#the impact this show has had on my life over the past 10 years is immense

[tardisteam1]

Happy 10 Year Doctor Who Anniversary to me!! 🎉Genuinely crazy that I’ve loved this silly little space show for a whole decade 💙

[tabootoji]

"YOU COLD? LEMME WARM YOU UP..."

✰ - SYNOPSIS: you try to learn more about your cryptic partner, but toji has plans of his own... (OR) you cockwarm toji and he fucks you on the couch while you while you have company over. (ft. naoya zenin & shiu kong) ✰ - WC: 4.0k ✰ - TAGS: age gap, size diff., teasing, pet names, impact play, alcohol use, nipple play, dry humping, cockwarming, exhibitionism, v. penetration, f. orgasm, creampie, (mentions of threesome), no use of (y/n), all lower case, reader is female ✰ - A/N: my first toji fanfic can you tell i'm excited?!?! i ended this with a pretty fluffy ending to my own surprise, so enjoy! (age gap is 10 years, reader in 20's, toji in 30's)

first impressions are important. people use them to determine their initial opinions of you that they'll probably hold on to for as long as they know you. most of the time it's hard to sway them from it once their minds are made up about the type of person they think you are.

which is why you're currently standing in front of your bathroom mirror for the third time in the past 20 minutes to do another check on your hair and outfit. you smooth down your t-shirt and skirt with your hands along with your hair, and take in a deep breath to calm your nerves.

the reason for your anxiety? any minute now you were going to meet your boyfriend's best friend and cousin, two guys on a very short list of people toji seemed bothered enough to care about.

you and toji began dating only recently, but the two of you have been smitten since meeting at a grocery store where he promptly asked you out. you weren't the type to accept date offers from random men you just met, but there was just something about his unwavering confidence and devilishly good looks that made you unable to say no. and oh did toji know how to use his attributes well. you both moved fast, even deciding to move in together after only knowing each other for such a short amount of time.

despite the fast development of your relationship, you cared deeply about the older man, and you enjoy the time you spend together...it's just that you wished you knew more about him.

whenever the two of you are together, you're usually the one doing the most talking while toji listens, with the occasional head nod to show he’s paying attention to whatever you're saying. but he barely talks about himself. you know nothing about any family members or friends, in fact, anything that happened before you met him is a complete mystery to you. you're not even really sure what he does for a living, only knowing him to be a contractor of some sort. at times you're brutally reminded that you're practically living with a stranger.

you've expressed your need to know more about the mysteries you know he’s hiding behind the opaque glass emerald of his eyes, but toji only chalks it down to the fact that he's just a boring older man that just enjoys the simplicities of life. you know he’s lying to you, a man like toji gave everything but the ordinary. but you let the issue go anyway, not wanting to pry.

toji knows how much you want to learn more about the inner workings of his life, and he can admit seeing you act so despondent about it bothers him, which is why he's arranged this hangout - to give you some insight on his complex past. and although you're incredibly excited for this, you’re also extremely on edge. you had to use this miraculous opportunity to ensure that the people most important to toji not only accepted your relationship, but liked you as a person.

in the middle of your thoughts, you hear said boyfriend call out your name, making you jump back into reality. they must be here! you take one more glance into the mirror before coming out of the bathroom.

you rush to the entrance of the apartment where you heard toji's deep voice boom from. "are they outside?" you ask with a slight squeak of your voice as soon as he's within your field of view. toji stands at the front door waiting for you, his tall frame almost surpassing the height of it. he had on his usual wear, black compression top that you always teased him for wearing a couple sizes too small (which he would always answer: "can't ever find any that make my size") and gray sweatpants that held onto his narrow waistline beautifully, then fell loose around his extensive legs.

he bobs his head, answering your question. walking to his side, you watch his verdant eyes take their time to look you up and down. once you're finally within arm's length, toji grabs your waist and pulls you into the lateral side of his solid abdomen, bending down to plant a smooch on your cheek. "relax ma, y'er gonna jump outta y’er skin. don’t worry, they'll love ya."

"okay toji..." you decide to listen to him, attempting to shake the nerves out of your body. "ya look damn good, that's f' sure." he smirks, the scar on his calloused lips curving upwards before he slaps your ass, causing you to gasp in surprise. he then abruptly opens the front door, not giving you anytime to recuperate before your face to face with your visitors. oh how he just loved messing with you.

in the hallway of the complex stood an average built man with a tapered haircut, the sides on the top sticking out. his small yet enigmatic eyes displayed politeness as he smiled at you and toji. beside him was a taller guy with a fitter build, his haughty attitude emitting through his relaxed posture. and if his flashy blonde hair didn't put you off, his edgy piercings did.

you gather yourself quickly, greeting them with a clumsy "hi" and a small wave of your hand. the latter shamelessly gives you a once over blatantly. once it seems he’s determined that he likes what he see’s, he utters a "nice" to toji with a nod of his head, arrogantly pushing his way past you both to enter your apartment. you stand frozen in disbelief, blinking your eyes in confusion. no way he just...?

"shut y'er ass up naoya." toji warns playfully, shoving his shoulder as he passes by. "that's my rude ass obnoxious cousin. this here's shiu." he flicks his thumb towards the dark haired gentleman's direction.

"nice to meet you." he says, his mouth arching up in union, making you take notice of the peach fuzz on top of it that seemed to complete his corporate look. once you've all entered, naoya looks around at the ensemble of the living room with a look of disgust, while toji and shiu begin to catch up with one another. not knowing what to do with yourself, you skittishly announce that you'll go and get drinks for everyone, scurrying into the kitchen.

you rush to the shelf filled with bottles of hard liquor that toji stashed and decide to grab a bottle of whiskey, along with four old fashioned glasses in the neighboring cabinet. as you fill the cups a little more than halfway, you strain your ears to listen into the trio's conversation.

"been a while since i've seen you. this meetup all of a sudden? ya must be serious about this one."

"sure am, so quit ya gawking dickhead."

you hear shiu snicker at the two’s playful banter while you set the glasses on a tray, building up the courage to head back into the main room. you stride to the three, holding out the platter to serve them their drinks. toji and shiu thank you before taking a swig of theirs, while naoya cockily snatches his own wordlessly and goes to take a seat at one of the lounge chairs in the room, leaving the three of you to join him on the corresponding arm chair and couch.

when you're all seated, shiu turns his attention to you and toji. "so fushiguro, how'd ya manage to trick such a cute girl into dealing with'ya?" he jests, leaning forward onto his knees and taking another gulp of the dark substance. after sipping your own, you already start to feel the liquid amplify your bravery as you ease up for the first time since your guests arrived.

"he's not so bad." you say sarcastically, leaning on his brawny arm. "oh yeah?" toji combats smugly, wrapping it around you and laying his rough palm on your hip. shiu peers at the two of you with a look of appreciation. naoya mutters "how cute." with a roll of his eyes.

"toji's never told me how you both know each other." you blurt out, not missing a beat. with your newfound boldness, you weren't going to waste anymore time not utilizing this chance to learn more secrets about your lover. toji’s gaze raises from yours to shiu's, who's already silently watching him. the two exchange a wordless stare down for a while, shiu being the one to break it with a laugh. "we used to work together, a long time ago." he finally says. you glance at toji and he's guzzling down his beverage, seemingly refusing to elaborate. hm, that was definitely something...but what?

"this meaningless chit chat bores me." naoya suddenly announces, swirling his chair to the direction of the tv in the room and turning it on with the remote he somehow found to flip through the channels, forcing everyone to watch his selected program. looking at the group's glasses on the table in the middle of you all, you realize the guy's have already finished their spirits. you take it upon yourself to clear the area, getting up and gathering everyone's empty cups besides yours back on the plate to put into the sink back in the kitchen.

once you return, it looks like naoya has decided on a film to watch. the lights are off, the television providing the only dim light in the small area while all eyes were trained onto the moving pictures. as you're about to take your seat next to toji, he swiftly takes your arm, pulling you to him to plop onto his lap instead. "wrong seat girl." he whispers, making you shiver slightly when you feel his hot breath hit your clavicle.

toji wastes no time holding your small frame with his arms that are more than twice your size, adjusting both of you so he could lean his back on the plush sofa, and you could lean on his broad, sturdy chest. he's rubbing small circles on the exposed skin of your hip with his thumb, and you can already feel his budding erection poke you from beneath your skirt that barely covered your crotch.

you may not know much about the enigma of toji fushiguro, but there is one thing he's made sure to make apparent to you very quickly after the two of you got together: the fact that he's a total horn ball. the man always needed to have his hands on some part of your body whenever you were together. and it's not like you don't enjoy the physical attention, you were just hoping that toji could master some self control, especially in front of others.

at first, you only feel occasional pecks on the back of your neck caused by him pressing his moist lips onto various sites of your nape. then, toji's hand moves from your waist to underneath your shirt. this evening, you decided to forego a bra and instead wore pasties to cover your nipples, which he easily peeled off to expose them. the cotton material of your shirt rubbing against the swell of your chest coupled with the hasty grazes of toji's hand already leaves them stiff, ready to be played with.

he takes one of your peaks in between the rough pads of his fingers and gives it a teasing pinch, almost making you leap right out of his lap. chuckling at your reaction, toji then uses his knuckles to gently twist the other, planting his mouth right below your neckline and sucking on the skin there.

you bite the inner flesh of your cheek at the prickling sensations that start to rush through you, very sure you've already made a mess of your panties from toji's touches. the alcohol you've been drinking is doing wonders for your assertiveness, and your libido, because you begin to rub your groin against his growing bulge, seeking relief at the neediest part of your body.

for a while toji leaves you be, grunting softly at the friction from your humping. he feels your damp underwear on his clothed cock as you rut against him like a dog. suddenly, he pushes you forward momentarily to fidget with the drawstrings of his joggers. when you turn around to see what he's doing, your eyes sparkle in amazement and excitement at the sight of toji's fat cock lying on his abdomen, his swollen head already threatening to dribble precum onto his shirt. he pulls you back till you're close enough for him to mutter in your ear. "sit on my cock doll face"

if you were sober, you'd have already reprimanded toji for being such a pervert, especially in front of their guests. worst case scenario you'd have at least snuck him into the bathroom and dealt with him there. but the liquor was making you feel more and more risque as the seconds passed.

so you reach forward and grab your lone glass to take another sip of its bitter contents. arching your back, you make sure toji has a good view of your ass. once you confirm he has when you hear him hiss "oh shit..." you pull your panties to the side to uncover your drooling cunt. you set your cup down and take a deep breath to brace yourself, taking toji's dick to align with your awaiting pussy before slowly sinking down onto it.

"fuck..." he breaths out once you finally manage to take in all of his thick girth. he rests his head on your shoulder, holding you even closer to his solid body. you can feel the mass of toji's penis expand your squishy insides, the bulb of his cockhead pressing against your cervix deliciously. your tight, moist hole provides a snug hold to his large shaft. was it always this hot? a bead of sweat falls off your brow as you try not to bring attention to yourself.

but when toji returns to tugging on your taut nubs while he licks up and down your slender throat, your mixed fluids seeping out of your conjunction, you almost let out a moan before shiu abruptly breaks the silence in the room. "hey fushiguro, win any bets lately?' he asks, freezing the both of you in your tracks.

toji clears his throat, remaining cool calm and collected as always. "nah, not yet. m' not worried though. been feelin' real lucky lately." he answers, satisfied at the clench of your pussy around his member at his suggestive words. shiu simply lets out a snicker, continuing to watch the television.

whew, that was close. "you cold baby?" toji asks you all of a sudden. you give him a confused raise of your eyebrow, baffled by his worry of your temperature now of all times. "poor thing, ya got goosebumps all over ya." he teases you, running his digits up and down your arms. "don't worry, got just tha' thing to warm ya up..."

taking a blanket on the other side of the couch, toji lifts you up with one arm like your weight is nothing to him. he lays you both on your sides, covering your bodies with the rug. his previous question finally clicks for you once the two of you are situated in this new position, one of his large palms gripping your bent leg while the other supports the side of his skull so he can look down at you.

it'd be risky, but naoya seems to have fallen asleep, and shiu appeared to be entertained enough with whatever program was on to pay you guys any mind. all you had to do was try and stay as quite and still as possible till toji was finished. hell, who were you kidding? you needed him just as badly. if toji didn't move inside of you soon, you thought you were going to combust.

you get your wish when he begins slowly thrusting into you. "i...change my mind, ah...you're bad all the time." you moan quietly. toji seems to be making each stroke count, plunging deeply into you with every push of his hips. he bends down to kiss your hot temple with a cocky grin. "and ya love it."

toji ended up being right, because if you thought you were hot before, you're sure that you're boiling now. nevermind the blanket serving as cover while toji fucks you, you were enveloped by the warmth of his tight embrace, his large body caging your small one against him. you try your best not to squirm, covering your mouth with your hand in case any lewd sounds fell from your lips as toji continued to drag his cock against the goopy walls of your pussy.

it was getting harder and harder for toji to contain himself as well. he wanted nothing more than to fuck the living daylights out of you, like he always does. he had half a mind to throw his guests out right now so he could thoroughly have his way with you. though he could admit this was another level of naughtiness that turned him on even more from doing this in secret.

by going so agonizingly slow, toji could take his time to not only feel each and every inch of you, he could admire how cute you looked trying to contain yourself as he stuffed you with his bulky cock. each time he was fully inside of you, he paused to stare at your pretty face scrunch up as you took all of him, the weight of his hefty member prominent.

he's partly surprised he's even able to go this far with you right now, given the current circumstances. but seeing how cock hungry you are for him, uncaringly giving into your lustrous cravings just as he was fills his heart with a mixture of adoration and desire.

a layer of your slick coats the rim of toji's rigid dick, allowing him to easily slide inside of your warm mound. you start to push your butt back to meet his tantalizing jabs halfway, causing toji's breath to hitch in his throat. he looks forward to make sure the added movements haven't caught the attention of his friend and cousin. once he's confirmed that the coast is still clear, toji returns to focusing on the leisurely pace of his throbbing cock.

your bosom bounces off of his lap each time he drives himself into you, and the way you pivot your hips back and forth allows toji to reach even deeper inside of you, your g-spot being consistently stimulated by the round end of his shaft. wet strings of your combined arousal begin to form and snap, and it all becomes too much for toji as he lets his head fall behind you. he uses both of his arms to cuddle your waist to hold you still, afraid that he’ll cum just from the gracious movement of your hips alone.

now that he has a good hold on you, the force toji uses to propel further into you knocks you forward each time. he’s squeezing you so tightly, almost as if he’s afraid that if he lets go, you’ll disappear from him. and when he begins to flick the sensitive nub in between your legs, you fear your chest will cave in from the pleasure at any moment.

toji rubs your responsive bundle of nerves with his long digits, using the wetness your pussy made from being played with. an overflowing amount of your sap leaks down onto his pelvis as he continues to use your body like his own personal flesh light. he peppers the length of your neck with kisses before gliding his tongue against the veins protruding from it. you can feel the indentation of his scar as his lips brush your pulse.

you feel toji's desperation as he rocks you back and forth; he's close, and you want nothing more than to feel him erupt inside of you. you reach underneath to clasp onto his weighty nutsacks. toji almost chokes on his own breath when he feels you start to massage them with your soft hands. you take both masses into your palms, utilizing the moisture from your sex and rubbing prominent circles into his scrotum. for fuck's sake, it was like you were manually attempting to milk him dry.

both of your heads fog from the overwhelming satisfaction you were giving each other. neither of you were even sure if you were still doing a good enough job keeping up your facade of ‘cuddling', too entrapped with the task of helping the other climb up their ladder of gratification. toji sinks his canines into your collarbone while you press your face into the cushions of the couch to muffle your noises as you both reach your climax.

with a final thrust, toji stills inside of you before emptying his load into your awaiting womb. hot ropes of his cum shoot inside of your trembling cunt, and it's so much. toji always cum's like a horse, but this particular time it's like its never ending, to the point where it begins seeping out of your pussy that's still contracting around him from your own release.

the combination of the heat of the moment plus the liquor must aid in your exhaustion, because your eyelids close right away, ushering you into slumber. toji takes a moment to calm his rapid heart beat by controlling his erratic breathing, bathing in the tranquility from his orgasm. the slow rise and fall of your body tells him you've already fallen asleep, which makes him chuckle.

oh but toji was far from done with you. his engorged balls that were still filled with more of his cum twitched as his cock began springing back to life. the velvety texture of your inner walls that still gripped his length even in your sleep had him rock hard again in no time.

he contemplates waking you back up, knowing you'd probably feel bad later about falling asleep while your guests were still over. but his good girl worked hard to be a good hostess, and a good cock sleeve, so he opts to letting you rest for now. you'd need it anyway, especially for what he has planned for you later after he kicks his companions out.

speaking of, toji looks up at the two in question who, in his opinion, were now overstaying their welcome. naoya is still knocked out, snoring obnoxiously with his mouth hung open. but to toji's surprise, shiu was not only still wide awake, he was already looking back at him knowingly.

"you know, you two aren't as sneaky as you may think you are." he says, shaking his head with a tsk. not seeming too affected about being caught, toji shrugs, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear while admiring your sleeping form. "what can i say? can't keep my hands off of her."

humming in acknowledgement, shiu speaks again, a sly grin on his face. "fuck your girlfriend on your own time. or at the very least, ask me to join, like old times." toji makes eye contact with his old friend, a long pregnant pause stilling the room.

his first reaction was to entertain shiu's comment with a snide response of his own, which has always been the nature of their friendship. however, as toji looks down at the girl who's managed to capture his mind, body, and heart, someone who was able to awaken emotions inside of him he thought he abandoned a long time ago, he can’t bring himself to joke around about the most important person in his life: you.

"nah, not with her." toji finally says, giving your forehead another kiss and gazing at you lovingly as you continue to sleep peacefully. observing the tender moment between you two, shiu smiles to himself, content with seeing his friend express genuine happiness after so long. "she must be real special."

"yeah, she is."

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[theanimekid]

Steamy Sensation

Samuel seo x Fem reader

Summary: Your boss has been wanting you since you came into his building, when he finally heard that your now single. He makes his first move.

Warnings🖤: Smut, 18+, begging, teasing, impact kink, praise, kink shower sex, size kink, spanking, rough sex, dirty talk, choking/ breathplay, degradation, dacryphilia, a bit of cheating?

A/n: I put my mind into something and I took it.

You didn’t know... you couldn’t have known... that the events that had this situation... would have come to this.

it was just another day at the One MCN, you walked in almost late because you were having the time of your life with your best friend. You stumbled your way into your office and shutterbug the door. Breathing the sigh of relief, you felt your body sinking into your feet. Another second and my ass would’ve been done for.

You adjusted your bodycon knee high long sleeve black silk dress. With the v-neck collar showing off your bare chest, you sat down on your chair with the file of finished paperwork in front of you. Looks like someone managed to finish them on my behalf, you thought as a small smile spread from cheek to cheek. As you skimmed through the first file with your working glasses on. The knock on the door can be heard from your ears, you raised your heard to meet one of your coworkers leaning on the door with two cups of coffee in hand. “ I did some of the files for you, if that’s alright,” he said with a smile as he walked over to your desk and placed the coffee on it. You thanked him for being a lifesaver, as you grabbed the coffee, And drank from the cup with two of your hands. The small fingers grazing the rim of the cup when you placed back on your desk, your eyes never leaving s you stared at the brown substance. The male coworker noticed your actions, feeling rather curious of what the secretary is thinking about. He placed his hand on your shoulder, “is everything okay?” He asked. You woke from your trance, looking back at him.

“ Oh-um yes, yes I’m fine... Just thinking...”

“about him?”

You sighed again. “ Yea... I am.” “Hey, you shouldn’t not be with a guy like him, he’ll just make your life as miserable than the last.” He spoke with visible concern, your boyfriend has been sleeping around with other women for the past two years. Straight. And every time the two of you argued, he’ll try to pathetically apologized and say that he’ll change. And being the innocent and responsible person, you poorly forgave him. But it wasn’t the last time you ever see him again. Because recently, he still thinks that you and him are still together, even after you the two of you broke up. You thought that going’s to the club with your friends would ease the the scary feeling, but somehow it finds a way back to you like a spider crawling up the drain. You turned your attention to the glass wall staring at the city. “ I know but... I still think he’s out there. Waiting.” The loud cough drew you both towards their boss standing tall and unpleased. “You were supposed to be in my office 10 minutes ago, y/n.” You quickly rose from your seat and bowed, and your co worker did the same. “Yes sir, sorry sir.” You said as you grabbed the paperwork and walked towards your door, Samuel held the door open as you walked past him, he turned to see his employee smile nervously. Your boss followed behind you to his office, the elevator door closed shut behind you as he was the last to exit. He went over his large chair and held out his hand for today’s paperwork. You appear, and placed the files in his hand, and in return, he gave you a new file to look over. As the usual, you sat on the couch looking over the file with your legs crossed. You were the only one that enter his office since one, you are his secretary.

Your boss was on the phone, scheduling yet another meeting for you and him to plan, you looked through today’s numbers with the streamers, (that have not been held against their will), has sky rocked once again. You readjusted your glass as you highlighted the last sentence. You paced the file on his desk before heading to the elevator. “ y/n, are you available tonight?” He asked suddenly. You stopped at the elevator door and turned shyly, “ Um.. what?”. He chuckled, your boss stood up from his chair and walked in front of his desk and leaned on it, giving you his signature normal glance. “ I asked you, are you free for tonight?” He tone the same, firm and so damn sexy. “ Is there’s a reason you asked me that sir?” You questioned back as you felt your face tensed up, a small tint on your cheeks as you adjusted one of your big braids. “ I... want to discuss our next meeting in two weeks by now.” You felt your whole went silent and you grumbled. Damn it, it was too good to be true. You thought but you didn’t want to show it. You politely shook your head no. He hummed, “ good, if you did it would be a problem,” “Excuse me?” “ uh... nothing. You can take your leave now, and by the way, you do know you can address me by my first name.” He interrupted. You blinked twice before shaking your head. “Oh, right si- I mean Samuel,” You stuttered as you pressed the elevator button and it closed. The last thing you saw was your boss staring back at you with a tiny smile on his face.

It was already night time since the last time you looked at your window. The city glow like the stars in the night, you stretched in your chair, mumbling under your breath as you rises from you seat. You stepped out of your office and stares at the clock a you walked past, it’s almost 9, you sighed. You ever the security guard good night before seeing the rain drops fall on the street. You facepalmed to yourself, “ Can this day get any worse?” You mumbled to yourself as the rain got heavier. The lightning flashed before your eyes scaring you, backing up from the front door, you felt what you think that was a large wall was only your boss in one of his expensive suits. And the umbrella in one hand, “ for someone’s who was even my secretary, check the weather.” You sighed annoyingly, “ and even my boss, should loosen up once in a while.” You replied back. Watching the rain for another second, he took you by the hand as the umbrella opened and covered the heavy raindrops, it startled you at first, seeing your boss... acting like a gentleman. You never did try to read his thoughts, that’s because he’s impossible to read, let alone, impossible to have a conversation with. The engine turned as the car drove off, you sat in the front seat as Samuel as his hands on the wheel, the veins poking out of his knuckles, you couldn’t help but stare at them. So meaty and huge, he’ll possibly wrap his hand around your throat and you’ll wear it like a necklace. Makes you wonder, if his fingers are like that then what about the...

The car screeched as you looked ahead of you, your face now turning horrified as you saw the man in front of the car, your ex carrying a knife in his hand. The black hoodie covered his head. He felt your expression without even looking at you, “ Wait, here” he said before getting out of the car and walking slowly to your ex, you couldn’t tell what they were talking about but then your ex threw the first strike, Samuel dodged it and have him a mean right hook to the face. You stared at them, the skin fading off his body? No it’s makeup some kind, hiding the inked tattoo on his knuckles, his hair was messy and off to the side of his face. Making him even more attractive. This weird feeling was introduced between your thighs as they were rubbing together on their own. Your breathing hitched, your face feels flushed, that was weirdly sexy?! In a good way?

He went backwards towards his car before tossing the body off of the street. He closed the door and continued driving. He turned his gaze to see your blushed face looking down at the floor, he smiled teasingly. “Everything alight, princess?” You nodded without looking at him. Too embarrassed to say anything. He turned off the engine, and prepare to leave his car, “ Come on, were here.”

“Here? But this is...”

“Yes, it’s my apartment. You’ll be staying with me till he cools off.”

“ So.. the whole business date...”

“ rescheduled for next weekend.”

He rescheduled it. But how... did he know about...

“Come now, or else you’ll get drenched.” He offered as he opened the car door and held out his hand. You accepted as he lead you into his home.

Something felt... off about this. You didn’t noticed it until now, how your boss was acting... different around you. The warm sting of he shower sparkling across the body, the skin shining in the bathroom light. Your eyes are closed as a soft thin of smoke came from your mouth as you sighed, you wrapped your arms around your bare chest. Your thighs clenched, rubbing the plump skin. So drowned in your thoughts, you shake off the scene that happened earlier, the markings on his hands, the veins prodding out of his palms, his chest. You imagined in your lushest dreams, his entire body covered in tattoos from head to toe, his fingers digging into your pussy, you screaming out his name, his cock thick as a tree trunk, stretching you out inch by inch, pounding you til you were numb. This happened for weeks if not monthly. But you buried those thoughts during work, i’ll not only make you unprofessional, but also a pervert. But, this time those lewd dreams came back quietly. “samuel... sam... please... t-touch me, sir” You mumbled as you reached your thin fingers into your entrance, massaging the rosebud, you whimper as your climax is at your peak.

Something pulled you by the arm and slammed you against the shower wall. You gasped, the man stood in front of you, his eyes were looking back at you like prey, his display of black ink that covered his body in suits is out in the open. The raindrop like shower spilled on his hair and onto his body, A breath of hot smoke came out of his mouth as he sighed. “I always wondered if virgin girls like you are not as innocent as they say,” he chuckled as his body caged you against the shower wall. “ Turns out, I was right.” He drove two fingers into your wet core, reacting a breathless whimper, his fingers explored every inch of your pussy, stretching. He slowly pulled out and slammed it back in, your eyes closed as your head tilted back. He buried his face into the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent. “How long have thought about this.. have you thought about me?” He said.

“ F-for months.” You replied as your body was reaching it’s climax, he groaned as felt your cunt clenching around his fingers when he speed up his tempo. Seo half- heartedly laughed, such a needy little whore you are. He looked down to see the mess and on his hand, the slick spread across his fingers as you came. He took the slick substance and licked his fingers cleaned, tasting you. He hummed at the mere thought of breaking his little secretary till you think of no one else but him... no one.

Seo hiked up your legs and wrapped them around his shoulders, his face hovering above your entrance, you felt his hot breath needing at your core. You can’t take this... you need him. “ You smell like a innocent virgin...” He drove his nose in your wet heat, he licked your essence off your pussy, “ But you taste like a slut, i bet your little ex never made you feel this way before, hadn’t he?” You shook your head, he dove his tongue into your pussy, tasting every corner of your wet heat, the sound of your moans echoed, your body felt hot, the steam flowed out of your mouth. His iron grip on your thighs held you in place. It’s too much... the feeling your climax.

He can feel you’re thighs clenched around his face, he gave a slap on your inner thigh, you squeaked, He stared at you with his dark hues of list in his eyes and his voice demanded, “ Come on my face or you won’t get to cum at all.” You scream, your fluids spasms on his face as you came, the intense orgasm has you melting. Seo suck off as much as can. Slurping your filthy cunt, he still remained eye contact watching you withering, submerging into pleasure. He stood up and kissed you deeply and passionately, tasting yourself in his mouth. You pulled away, letting yourself breathe, Samuel wrapped your legs around his waist.

“I wanted you since the day you walked into my office,” he admitted, with a wicked smile on his face. He took his free hand and grabbed the cockhead, slowly grazing a tree your wet folds, “ I wanted to pound that pretty pussy til it can only fit me.” he grunted ass push ed the tip into you. Pulling out sweet choked out moans, each inch felt like he was splitting you in half. “N-N-no it’s too much, y-you won’t fit.” He shushed your whines, “it’s okay, just a little more.” you nodded hesitantly, leaning you’re head on the back of the wall, Seo buried his face intonations the crook of your neck as his cock continued to stretch your insides, the feeling of being split into the woods. It only a matter of moments till he bottomed out. Your mouth gaped to the feeling of his entire manhood plunged inside of you. He started to move, bringing he cannot ice out and slamming it back in, the sound flesh against flesh, your loud screams and moans mirrored the bathroom. Bouncing against wall, a string of curses and shallow grunts can be heard from him and end of his thrusts upped the tempo. Your body felt ruined against him, limping, his iron hand came to hugged your chin and force to look at him while he completely destroyed your insides. You felt a unfamiliar coil in your tummy. “Nhnn-mm- Sam-uel, f-f-fuck i’m gonna c-cum, gonna-.”

“Cum for me, my little cocksleeve, show me how you much want this dick.” You moaned, arching your back forward his chest and he took one of the breast and feasted like it was a last meal. HmYour slick coated husband hard member as he continues to thrust into your poor abused pussy. His voice was a mixture of grunts and groans vocalizing. His thrusts starts to lose their rhythm. It won’t ben long till he comes into your cunt. Your body is so tired, why isn’t he tapping out?

Samuel thrusted like there was no tomorrow, til he emptied himself into you. Filling every last inch into your pussy. The rainfall of the shower filled the silence between the two of you. He kissed herb ire marks on your tender skin. Your body ached, bruised, and fucked out of existence. The weight of your eyes felt heavily on you. The shower stopped and he carried you out of the shower. Your head cuddle fat his neck, sighing as slumber is soon to take you. Samuel sighed, “ And who said we were done? We still have another round to make you mine.”

[girl4music]

MY TOP 10 FAVOURITE EPISODES OF ‘XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS’ AND WHY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

(CONTAINS A LOT OF SPOILERS)

'Xena: Warrior Princess’ is a very influential, inspiring and impactful TV show for me. It is my favourite piece of art/entertainment of all-time and it is the backbone and foundation behind my entire philosophy as a human being on this planet. All the show is great, but it’s the episodes that have given me deep life lessons and helped me understand more about myself and the world around me that matter the most to me. I will give a lengthy explanation as to why each one of these specific favourite episodes in my TOP 10 mean so much to me or what it is about them it’s taught me that has made me a better and more evolved version of myself. There is 134 episodes all in all. From most favourite to least favourite, here are my TOP 10 most favourite episodes of 'Xena: Warrior Princess’ and why I love them so much.

1. S03E12: THE BITTER SUITE

‘The Bitter Suite’ is a musical episode. It combines my love for music and drama into one excellently written, produced, directed and composed episode of the show. But that’s not entirely the reason why it makes the very top of my list, although that’s a huge factor. ‘The Rift’ (as Xenites call it) between Xena and Gabrielle all throughout Season 3 is dealt with and put to rest in this episode. The writers use Yin and Yang and the polarities of love/hate, good/evil and peace/war to represent the importance of friendship, honesty, forgiveness and the ability to put someone you love and care about over yourself in their time of need despite whatever animosity you feel towards them due to past circumstances and situations that broke your heart. They use Yin and Yang several times in the show to give such strong and substantial messages, however, this time takes the winning spot for me. The friendship between Xena and Gabrielle is put to the ultimate test when they fall into this dimension of reality called ‘Illusia’. In this strange, whimsical and colourful place everything is designed to be expressed in song and theatrics. It’s such a clever, artistic and extremely thought-provoking episode. There is a lot it taught me that I unconsciously crafted into my own philosophy of life throughout the years. Also, it was the very first episode I ever saw of the show. They were airing Season 3 in the United Kingdom when I came across it at 5 years old in 1997. Its lessons have remained with me since then but I definitely understand it a lot better now I am a grown adult. If there was ever any episode that you should watch of Xena to introduce you to it… and you really don’t care about spoilers… make it this one. I promise you… you won’t regret it.

2. S03E14: FORGIVEN

‘Forgiven’ deals with the themes of forgiveness and redemption. As you may know, the entire concept to the show is about a Warrior Princess named Xena who fights for the good of mankind to redeem herself from her past sins and be forgiven by the world of which she caused immense damage and pain to. So redemption and forgiveness are the biggest and most reiterated themes and overall messages in the show. But never more so prominent and profound than in this episode. We meet a young girl named Tara that reminds Xena of how she used to be before she became an evil warlord. Lost and confused, hanging around the wrong people, doesn’t understand the difference between right and wrong. She picks a fight with Gabrielle to show Xena she’d make a better sidekick. Initially this girl really pissed me off. I thought she was very arrogant and well out of her league to think that she could replace Gabrielle in Xena’s life. But like Gabrielle, I warmed up to her when she crumbled down in tears and confessed that she hates the way she is and wants to change herself. Become a good person. Just as Gabrielle does in the episode, I judged her too quickly. She had a story that hit me hard due to the way I treated people in my own life. It was a real wake up call to me at the time. One I really needed cause gods know I couldn’t be reached otherwise. I was so far beyond real help.

There’s a line in the episode that has really stuck with me throughout the years and still is something I remind myself of even now as often as possible.

XENA: “You are what you do. You can recreate yourself every second of your life.”

3. S01E22: CALLISTO

‘Callisto’ is about a new character we meet late in Season 1. This character becomes the main antagonist of 'Xena: Warrior Princess’ and my favourite character besides the main two leads in the entire show. In the episode before it, ‘The Greater Good’, Xena gets shot in the neck with a poisoned dart and it is revealed to us in this episode who it was that targeted her. Now I don’t just want to talk about the character but also the actress that portrays her as well because that is a massive reason why this episode stands out so much to me over others in Season 1. Hudson Leick plays Callisto and delivers such a remarkable acting performance that gives her character layers and layers of depth, expression and personality. She’s easily on-par with the leads, if not better. I love watching her perform. She’s fantastic!

Excerpt taken from my character study thesis; Section 4: A dark heart is shadowed until the light shines in.

[The introduction of the character Callisto to the show adds a much heavier layer to what is already an overwhelming story of redemption, vengeance, love, forgiveness and balance, which are to me, the main themes in the show that are reiterated repeatedly as it progresses in writing, production and direction. Callisto becomes the main villain in the show, but she isn’t your run-of-the-mill evil villain. Oh, no, no, no. I like to think of Callisto as more of an antagonist than a villain. She has an extremely complicated storyline of her own that inexplicably ties in with Xena’s because Xena murdered her family, or so that’s what she adamantly believes. It’s hard to explain or understand just how much this character is an integral reason for Xena’s reformation from being an evil warlord to a heroine for good, and how the consequences of her dark past have really screwed Callisto up and turned her into, for lack of a better word, a psychopath who is absolutely bent on destroying everything that makes Xena who she is. Starting with her reputation, and eventually escalating to the people she loves and cares about in all the world. This character is so crucial to ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, that there is never any way to stop her even when she dies. She’s that dedicated to ruining Xena and Gabrielle’s lives. Callisto doesn’t just want to kill Xena. She wants to kill her soul because that is what Xena has done to her. It’s hard to think of Callisto as any kind of villain because you develop such sympathy for her throughout all her appearances in the show. She’s so messed up in the head that you just don’t think of her as an evil person, just an extremely depressed and misunderstood one. What happens to her, in the end, is something that needed to happen, and I was unbelievably happy did. She did terrible things, but she needed the opportunity to be saved and forgiven as Xena did, and fortunately, the show’s producers gave her the ending she deserved.

This leads me on to what happens when Callisto meets Xena face to face for the first time in the late Season 1 episode, titled ‘Callisto’, and how Gabrielle plays a part in stopping Xena from crumbling down in guilt and regret and letting her go because of it once they captured her. Xena doesn’t blame Callisto for how she ended up, knowing that it was her own fault she became that way in the first place. Even if she didn’t mean for her family to be killed in the fire her own men started against her orders all those years ago in ‘Cirra’, Callisto’s hometown, she still felt solely responsible for the consequences that followed.

There is a very important scene, which I call ‘The Promise’ scene, from this episode where Gabrielle asks Xena to promise her that if anything happened to her in their travels together, that she would not turn away from her path of atonement, and rampage like a raving blood-lusted lunatic the way Callisto was. You see for the first time Xena’s vulnerability and struggle with sensitivity. She was finding it so difficult to cry in front of Gabrielle. She tries to send her off to bed before she could see the tears streaming down her face, but Gabrielle wasn’t having it. She made sure she promised her, and that she was sincere with the words. She sees the tears and tries to brush them away from her face. Xena immediately turns away from her and tells her to go to bed, but she doesn’t move. Gabrielle just sits there by her side sharing her pain and accepting her for who she is now, which I find extremely powerful and beautiful. Xena has probably never encountered acceptance like that in her life before, or she wasn’t paying enough attention to see it. The fact that Gabrielle refuses to leave her must have thrown her off. She left herself unguarded for the very first time in her life in front of this young woman. As the flickering flames danced before them, illuminating their faces, we see the Warrior Princess’ walls down for the very first time. The Bard had succeeded in bringing out her sensitive side, if only just for a moment. This would be the beginning of a transformation so intense, it would completely change Xena’s personality and mindset forevermore. Love and forgiveness would be her saving grace, and the beautiful soul sat across from her would be the reason why it happened at all.]

Furthermore, in this episode we also meet Joxer, who becomes the main comic relief in the entire show and gave Gabrielle the chance to be taken seriously as a character instead of the “irritating blonde”, as she’s so often called by other characters in the show, much to my distaste. So because of the introduction of two incredible recurring characters, especially Callisto, this episode ranks high on my list.

4. S05E02: CHAKRAM

‘Chakram’ goes back to the Yin and Yang representation of the show. They use it as the main plotline of the episode in that there is a Light and Dark chakram and the plot was to retrieve the chakram of Light from the temple of the Tao because Xena has always had the Dark chakram and it broke earlier in the show. It’s one of the many episodes in the entire show where the character Ares: The God Of War represents Xena’s Dark side and Gabrielle Xena’s Light side. But this time with a little bit of a twist, as it is Gabrielle that directs Xena back to her Dark side again due to Xena having lost her sense-of-self and the memories of who she was in her past after the both of them were crucified at the end of Season 4 and were brought back to life again through another new character in the show, Eli, at the start of Season 5. This episode means a lot to me because it really clarifies how important it is to have balance in your life and in yourself. A balance of Light and Dark to really understand both and be whole with everything you are as a soul. All that makes you you.

There is a really great scene in the episode, that’s probably my favourite scene, where Xena is praying to some kind of deity, most likely the ‘One God’ of Eli’s religion. It is never revealed who or what exactly she’s praying to but Gabrielle notices and is concerned about her because Xena won’t defend herself when she is attacked anymore, nor does she remember anything violent or negative about herself and her past. Xena questions her whether they’re doing the right thing in restoring her darkness and how that could even be a good thing to do. Gabrielle replies in such a way that is very philosophical and wise that you don’t hear from her in quite awhile in the show. She says “I think it’s vital. I know that sounds strange, coming from me. I think you have to know the darkest part of yourself to be whole.” Xena exclaims back “But this way, I harm no one!” Gabrielle counters “But Xena, what about the people who harm others? Xena, you have this balance of lightness and darkness. Without both of those, the very best in you is defenceless.“ That scene and that dialogue helped me to realize something amazing about myself and the way I look at everything negative I do as something that takes away from who I am as a soul. But really it’s just giving the way to the rise of something much more positive and helping me to understand myself better and recognize the importance of polarity and the teachings of Yin and Yang. It’s a meaningful and motivating episode to me because it represents what I call ‘The Grey Area’ in the best way that I could never explain myself. 

Also, Xena gets a cool new and improved chakram with the Yin-Yang design when she neutralises the Light and Dark chakrams together, which brings her back to her former self again, so that was awesome too. I love the way they did this episode so much. I especially love that both lead characters evolved because of the need to be there for each other. The need to protect and defend one another. That’s precisely what their relationship is fundamentally about and they hit it on the nail with this episode. Who said Season 5 didn’t show the love between them? Look deeper. The love is there, it’s just not in the way that you expect. It’s in the themes represented. It’s in the fundamental message that someone that cares about you has to put aside what scares them about you and do what’s best for you.

5. S02E15: A DAY IN THE LIFE

‘A Day In The Life’ is a comedy episode that centers around Xena and Gabrielle’s average day of fighting for the innocent. Now while this episode is highly regarded in the fanbase because of the hilarious things Xena and Gabrielle do to each other to affectionately aggravate one another that drives them both crazy like a squabbling old married couple, it’s also got a very inspiring moral to it at the same time. That you do not need to make yourself the victim in thinking of yourself as unworthy or unappealing to the one you love, and that you have your own strength to fight your own battles and don’t necessarily need someone to defend or protect you all the time. You see, in this episode you are introduced to a couple, Minya and Hower, that fall into somewhat of an estranged relationship when Hower falls in love with Xena as soon as he meets her. Hower is the first person of the couple you get to know, but when you meet Minya, you find out she’s a big fan of the Warrior Princess, but begins to view her with disgust and jealousy when she realizes her boyfriend is attracted to her. Xena and Gabrielle, while occupied with their own married couple problems, have to sort this out and make it clear to Hower that he has no chance with Xena. Xena gives some advice to Minya on how to handle men and she becomes this strong, independent and extremely confident woman that knocks a warlord to his feet that impresses Hower and she no longer feels victimised by him or anyone else. This ignites the flame in their relationship again and Xena and Gabrielle learn to overcome their own differences in the meanwhile because of being inspired to by them.

Furthermore, Xena, the brilliant strategic thinker she is, finds a way to kill two birds with one stone by stopping both an army and defeating a giant. There is this cute little moment in the middle of the episode where she tells Gabrielle that by defeating the giant Gareth, she will be repaying an old friend back from having to fight against him for ‘The Greater Good’, which ultimately led to his death. I thought that was very endearing. It’s a great episode. Funny, yet has a lot of substance to it. At least to me it does. It’s definitely my favourite comedy episode in the entire show and it is another great introductory episode to come to know the comedy and campy side of Xena because Xena isn’t dramatic and serious all the time and that’s part of its charm as a 90’s show. 

6. S04E07: LOCKED UP AND TIED DOWN

‘Locked Up And Tied Down’ has Xena dealing with the justification for her regretful past. She is convicted and tried for a murder she committed to a young woman years ago, that has only just seemed to follow her up now. I thought that was quite weird at first, but it’s explained why later on. The build-up of the episode has her boarding a boat shackled in chains and leaving a grief-stricken Gabrielle behind to carry out her sentence: life imprisonment on Shark Island. Gabrielle follows her, of course, and tries to free her while masquerading as the new healer for the prisoners. It is here the sudden event of Xena’s conviction begins to make sense, as Gabrielle discovers that the person Xena, apparently, murdered, is the one who condemned her. It’s an episode where the empathetic ways of Gabrielle transform someone into finding their power and peace again, the way she has done for Xena.

Meanwhile, the opposite is happening to Xena. She feels an immense amount of contempt in herself for all the horrible things she’s done. She’s so disgusted with herself, that she takes accountability for any kind of punishment or chore any of the prisoners are given while on Shark Island, along with her own. For me, that was an extremely painful thing to watch. My hero literally just giving up everything, including Gabrielle, because she hated herself. It was awful to watch how she just let the guards order and push her around like that and have all authority over her. But as painful and awful as it was to watch, it made me understand that forgiving yourself isn’t easy when your past sins follow you around and weigh you down when you’re trying to climb back up in your life. It’s not justice to just feel remorse for what you’ve done. You have to pay for those sins and accept the consequences of the pain and damage you’ve caused to others. You don’t get a free pass just because you believe you’ve repented for your sins. Others make that decision for you. Which means redemption is not earned and can’t be. It’s decided by others. It’s not a nice lesson to learn, but it is an important and realistic one. What’s more is you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim, because nobody is going to have mercy on you if you’ve done wrong. You have to own up to your crimes and deal with the consequences of your own actions. It’s a very dark, twisted and dramatic episode, but that’s just the kind of TV that I love to watch. That’s why this episode is one of my absolute favourites. This show is not afraid to tell the truth of the darkness of its themes or let the leads off for doing questionable things, unlike 'Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’, and because of it, it is far superior to it in writing, directing and acting.

7. S06E02: THE HAUNTING OF AMPHIPOLIS 

‘The Haunting Of Amphipolis’ sees Xena, Gabrielle and the newly reformed daughter of Xena, Eve, go back to Xena’s hometown after over 25 years to find that something has gone terribly wrong. Xena’s mother, Cyrene, is dead and the entire town has been wrecked and abandoned. There is a great evil that has permeated it and wreaked havoc that turned it into a hell hole of death, torture, pain, grief and just outright carnage. 'Xena: Warrior Princess’ finally gets a HORROR story. My favourite producer, Sam Raimi, who executive produces the show along with Rob Tapert, had a lot to do with this episode and you can tell because it’s his sort of episode. His creative area of expertise. Horror, just without the comedy, although there is some well-hidden dark humour in there that only an enthusiast of the original Evil Dead film series will pick up. And I am somewhat of a fan.

Okay, so I’m cheating a bit here. This episode isn’t really all that inspiring or really teaches you anything of any importance whatsoever. It’s just… I love horror basically, and I was waiting for Xena to have some sort of episode where they show blood, guts and gore since it’s done every other genre known to man. If you read my writing about my favourite art/entertainment, you would know what I’m like with begging creators to incorporate versatility. It’s a big drawing card for me when it comes to art/entertainment. There’s not much else to say. There’s a lot of weirdness, disturbing and creepy crap that goes on in it that is right up my alley. It makes my TOP 10 because it’s just something that I enjoy watching and suits my passions for TV media in general. It’s my niche. There’s no moral or message of significance. Honestly, I am just a sick person who loves watching sick stuff. So there you have it. It is an acquired taste and not for the faint-hearted, so I probably wouldn’t recommend watching this one if you do not like or are not familiar with horror. It’s a great one to watch for Halloween though, which I’m sure was the intent behind creating and airing it.

Oh, and Xena finally teaches Gabrielle ‘The Pinch’. One of Xena’s trademarks in her “I have many skills” repertoire. Or at least she teaches her how to take ‘The Pinch’ off. Good enough for me. Xena teaches her everything she knows in the end anyway.

8. S01E24: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

‘Is There A Doctor In The House?’ finds our heroines, Xena and Gabrielle, in the middle of an ongoing civil war between the Mitoans and the Thessalians. They end up bumping into a friendly face in the name of Ephiny, an Amazon in Gabrielle’s tribe, who is extremely pregnant and about ready to have her baby. They capture a Mitoan commander and take refuge in a Thessalian temple where the wounded, sick and dying are being treated. This episode is very upsetting. To cut to the chase: SPOILER ALERT! Gabrielle dies. Not only do you get to see Xena’s impressive demonstrations of medical aid, surgery and respiratory reparation, but you also come to see the incredible influence Gabrielle has had on her life throughout Season 1. Xena showcases such vulnerability, compassion and even fear while begging and pleading for Gabrielle to wake up. She absolutely crumbles down in emotion the likes you’ve never seen from her in the show thus far, and you realize that this adventurous and naive young woman she helped on to the back of her horse, Argo, not too long ago, has had an unbelievable effect on her mindset and personality. She has fallen completely in love with her and her ways of empathy and understanding of ‘The Greater Good’ and she just can’t let her go peacefully. She demands for her to return to the land of the living, screaming “Don’t leave me! DON’T LEAVE ME!”. Through much persistence and determination Xena’s remarkable medical and healing skills somehow miraculously bring her back to life again. Don’t ask me how, she just does it, and Xena claims it’s entirely Gabrielle’s doing. I disagree. I think it was Xena that achieved that feat because her love for Gabrielle guided her efforts. Their relationship reaches even greater heights. At least from Xena’s point of view it does. 

Elsewhere in the episode, before that dramatic and climactic ending, that I also thought was a great addition to the theme, we go back to Ephiny and watch her talk with the Mitoan general named Marmax, who the Amazon has been put in his care. Ephiny has developed a hatred for the Mitoans because they killed her husband, but is able to tolerate Marmax because she wanted him to understand something about hatred. That the war has to end somewhere for their children’s sake. She challenges him by asking “Is bloodshed all you want them to know?” and the scene cuts out. I thought that was very powerful and it made me appreciate the episode all the more. This episode inspired me a lot and makes it on my TOP 10 because of it.

9. S02E20: THE PRICE

‘The Price’ is an episode about understanding what it means to be human and the price you pay if you’re ignorant to the truth because you’re blinded by hatred and anger. Xena and Gabrielle stumble into dangerous waters and come across The Horde. Xena remembers this barbaric tribe from when they annihilated her army sometime after the Battle of Corinth. She doesn’t have any understanding or knowledge on them other than what she knows from her past when she was the Destroyer of Nations, and claims they have no will other than to kill everything and anything they come into awareness with. They pick up a wounded soldier in their canoe and bring him into the Athenian Army battlement camp while the war still rages on. Xena becomes ruthless whenever she has an army around her and something to hate and direct her anger at and Gabrielle never likes or accepts it. While Xena is taking command of the Athenian Army to try to destroy The Horde by any means she can, Gabrielle is tending to the wounded in an old armoury unit where there are no doctors or healers and she takes the initiative to be the lead nurse to care for those who are dying and need help. This is where you come to see that Xena cannot stay on the right path for herself and would easily just as go back to her dark days if not for Gabrielle’s hold on her guilty conscience. Gabrielle argues with Xena that maybe The Horde want something and if they had it, they would leave them alone. Or maybe they could find common ground if they learn to understand their ways first. Gabrielle finds the answer when Xena captures one of them and she’s ladling water right next to the tied up Horde. He was breathlessly repeating “Kaltaka”, which is what all the dying Horde chant endlessly on the battlefield. She previously believed it was the name of their god and it was the clue she needed. It translated to water. They just wanted water because the Athenians poisoned the rivers. They didn’t want to fight anymore, they were just desperate for a way to keep themselves alive. Gabrielle defies Xena and goes out into the battlefield to feed the dying Horde weaponless and The Horde crowd around her but don’t hurt her. They notice she was just trying to help. Through this act of kindness towards the opposing side Xena comes to her senses and realizes she’s wrong about them. She goes back to the captured Horde and experiments with her newfound theory that maybe they have a code of conduct that is in common with her own. A Warrior’s Code. She understands him and releases him. Then she goes out to fight The Horde Leader who is the one causing all the trouble for the tribe and defeats him. As she’s walking away with her back turned to the entire Horde tribe, they raise their bows and arrows and Gabrielle screams out “LOOK OUT!”. They don’t target Xena. They target The Horde Leader who was screaming in anguish at being defeated. Xena was now their leader by defeating their previous leader. That was their Warrior’s Code. No real difference to the Amazons, an indigenous tribe they knew so well and wore just as much war paint.

The message is self-explanatory: Don’t judge a person by their race, religion, language, culture, colour, sexuality, gender, or by what you ignorantly think you know about them without getting to know or understand them. You risk losing your humanity.

10. S01E02: CHARIOTS OF WAR

‘Chariots Of War’ is about compliance and expectations from relationships that affects our choices and perceptions of reality. Xena gets herself caught up in a situation where she’s trying to stop these two warlords ravaging a settlement where a community of villagers were trying to build a new home for themselves and Xena takes an arrow to the chest and faints. A single father takes her into his home and cares for her because she saved his young son from being crushed by the newly built settlement that one of the warlords pulled down. While injured, Xena learns of this family’s plight and tries to put it right for them, promising not to use violence to do it, obeying the wishes of the one who took her in who does not want another war. She becomes very affectionate with the father and his family and finds it a struggle to leave them because of it. 

Meanwhile, Gabrielle meets one of the warlords in the inn she takes refuge in because a smelly and disgusting drunk keeps hitting on her. She tells a lie that she already has a boyfriend and he is with them in the inn. To prove it, a bold as brass Bard walks right up to this warlord and complete stranger and kisses him on the mouth and requests that he pretends he knows her to keep away from the horny drunks. They start a conversation about what they do and the warlord, who’s name is Sphaerus, tells her that he works for his father, but he makes him do things he doesn’t like and doesn’t want to do and this insightful conversation between them happens that I really love and relate to myself…

GABRIELLE: “My mother always wanted me to get married and have kids. And I remember telling her that I’d always be grateful for the way that she raised me, but she couldn’t expect me to pay for that with my future.”  

SPHAERUS: “That’s very insightful.”

GABRIELLE: “It’s a gift. Well, anyway, I came to a point in my life when I had to make a choice and I thought about who I really was, and I made it.”

I’ve written an entire article about this that was inspired by this episode and this is a piece of that article where I explain the moral to the episode because, for me, that’s part of the reason why this episode is so damn brilliant and one of the best.

[The moral to this episode is about what is expected of us to comply to by our family, our employment, our sociality and our romantic relationships and trying to apply it to who we are, how we choose to view reality and how we live by our own perceptions. I tend to think the more we empathise with the people that love or care about us and that we love and care about, the better our relationships become. The reason why I think this is because you can only walk a mile in someone’s shoes once you have begun to understand them… But that doesn’t mean you should take on their beliefs… their perceptions… or their lifestyle. You have your own to live by, and that’s how it should be. What you believe in and what lifestyle you choose to live by is what is your truth. And no one should take that away from you. Not even those closest to you.]

Another reason I love it is because the writer, Josh Becker, did something very clever with it in setting up the idea of Xena and Gabrielle being each other’s Yin and Yang before they even realize that for themselves. And he does it by using none other than their MALE COUNTERPARTS and LOVE INTERESTS. It is ingenious writing and something you will only pick up on with multiple rewatches of the show.

—————————————————————————–

That’s my TOP 10 favourite episodes of 'Xena: Warrior Princess’. It’s probably not the list that you were expecting since Gabrielle is my favourite character. You would think I would go with Gabrielle-centric episodes. But when it’s your favourite show, you don’t necessarily care about how much screen-time your favourite character has or hasn’t. What you care about is how well your favourite character is integrated into each episode and there is a lot of episodes that are extremely well written in character representation and development so it’s not a factor.

I’ve already written a hell of a lot so I’ll just end it briefly. Thank you for reading. I hope you check the show out for yourselves if you haven’t seen it and come to love it as much as I do. And if you’ve already watched the show all the way through once or more, what is your TOP 10 favourite episodes? Feel free to express why as I have done. I’d love to know how this show has impacted you the way it has impacted me.

Thank you.

- Girl4Music 

[icravemusicx0x0]

rating music pls dont hate me #36 | I LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU - JPEGMAFIA

JPEGMAFIA goes inside the recording studio to start RECORDING the INTRO TRACK: I SCREAM THIS IN THE MIRROR BEFORE I INTERACT WITH EVERYONE. he got his head close to the microphone, took a deep breath, he said, as the cymbals rocks softly:

"IF I WAS A NBA PLAYER I WOULD BE DILLON BROOKS—BUT WORSE."

imagine if it goes like that. anyways, PEGGY dropped a new album on the 1ST OF AUGUST. 41 minutes of this album are filled with AGRESSIVE LYRICISM, and a stronger PUNK aspect to the 34-YEAR-OLD NEWYORKIAN RAPPER's CIGNATURE PRODUCTION. his WRITING is EMOTIONALLY DYNAMIC and his music is LUSCIOUS in terms of VARIETY.

LYRICISM

PEGGY is well-known for his CREATIVE BARS, and he kept that in his new album. he's like TAKING SHOTS at everything like a NBA player on a court (isn't his whole NBA persona DILLON BROOKS BUT WORSE? makes sense to me at least). there a lot of mention of RELIGION and FAITH in the album overall, in fact the title of the album comes from HOLY BIBLE VERSE JOHN 10:17-18. this is what i love about JPEGMAFIA's MUSIC ARTISTRY.

I LAY DOWM MY LIFE FOR YOU, to me, is a VENT of his EXPEREINCES. on I SCREAM THIS IN THE MIRROR BEFORE I INTERACT WITH EVERYONE, JPEGMAFIA burst out his usual HUMOROUS RANTS like a TROLL he is. EXMILITARY has the SHOTS but it's a FUCK YOU to the MILITARY INDUSTRY COMPLEX (fans may know that his MILITARY YEARS was the worst). I RECOVERED FROM THIS, however, shows a TIRED PEGGY in the recording studio (no more BEEFING!) as he talks about PAST RELATIONSHIPS and the PAIN he had to dealt with.

PRODUCTION

JPEGMAFIA is more AMBITOUS in I LAY MY LIFE FOR YOU than ever. JPEGMAFIA is usually the only PRODUCER of his music, so he's a really INDEPENDENT person, and he's also a really AMAZINGA producer too, i'm being serious. his style is EXPERIMENTAL, SAMPLE-DRIVEN, and over all CREATIVE and INTERESTING. every songs on this new album is BANGERS TO BANGERS because the production felt more FLEXIBLE and CONSISTENT throughout. in JANUARY of 2024, i visited BRAZIL and had experienced the BRAZILIAN FUNK genre, to me the most INTERESTING DJ-PERFORMED GENRE. he took the CORE FEATURES of this genre and INCOPORATED his own SPICE to it.

I SCREAM THIS IN THE MIRROR BEFORE I INTERACT WITH EVERYONE has some insane BEAT SWITCHES, like what do you mean we need a SHRILLEX ass beat on your RAPPING? alright… (also can we have more of this i love it)

CONCLUSION

I LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU is JPEGMAFIA's STRONGEST and most DYNAMIC album to date. it's really WELL-MADE, and he managed to keep a BALANCE in his EXPERIMENTALISM approach so even the HOES can bop to it (contrary to the previous album). JPEGMAFIA is the most CREATIVE artist i have ever seen in the UNDERGROUND RAPPING SCENE.

underrated gem(s): I SCREAM THIS IN THE MIRROR BEFORE I INTERACT WITH EVERYONE - i'm sorry for meat riding this song but it's really good, IT'S DARK AND HELL IS HOT - brazilian funk jumpscare, DON'T RELY ON OTHER MEN - i heard you went downdowndowndowndown, JPEGULTRA! - it was actually giving LP! actually, LOOP IT AND LEAVE IT - it's too good, I RECOVERED FROM THIS.

tracks that i rec listening: SIN MIEDO, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER, EXMILITARY, JIHAD JOE, EITHER ON OR OFF THE DRUGS, DON'T PUT ANYTHING ON THE BIBLE.

worst track: NEW BLACK HISTORY - not the wildest track of his discography but it's not as impactful as his other songs in the album.

overall score 8.6/10 - this is all opinion so pls no hate

[brainrotarchive]

‘cause reading is what? fundamental! (15/30)

I’m at the halfway point of my 2024 reading goal so here’s the unserious book review nobody asked for! I’m so proud that I read that many books already despite the all consuming urge to read fanfiction every single day.

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde: 4/5 ✨

objectively an amazing read I just went through a rough time and didn’t enjoy it the way I could’ve?

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman: 4/5 🦇

kind of the same problem here but I also didn’t fully get it. I still had a really good time while reading and some scenes seriously shocked me. like sir, this is a children’s book. I was scared.

The Big Reveal by Sasha Velour: 5/5 💅

This was artistry at an insane level and it came to me at exactly the right time. A wonderful read and also beautiful to look at. I got to see the live show as well and it was everything I could’ve wished for and more. knowing this book has changed me. no notes, go read it!

Coraline by Neil Gaiman: 5/5 🪡

do i have to tell anyone that neil ATE with that one? my only issue is that I got really sad because I never read it when I was a kid. groundbreaking, stunning.

Narayama by Shichiro Fukazawa: 3.5/5 ⛰️

very short read and very different to what I’m usually into but I still enjoyed it. interesting read for sure but it didn’t have an impact like some of the others.

If Cats Disappeared From The World by Genki Kawamura: 3.5/5 🐱

It was all in all a fun read, a bit funny a bit sad but sometimes a bit cringey. Don’t want to imagine a world without cats.

Die Physiker by Friedrich Dürrenmatt: 5/5 👨‍🔬

reread this because I love it. the superior german classic, funny, murderous, critical. the best book I was forced to read in highschool.

How Much Land Does A Man Need by Leo Tolstoy: 4/5 💸

interesting, short, anti-capitalist - slay.

This Is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mothar & Max Gladstone: 4/5 ⏰

lesbians in time and space? I live. I will probably read it a second time instead of listen to it as an audio book and savour it more. It’s beautifully written.

The Fall of Icarus by Ovid

impossible to give a star rating for me. It was a nice excerpt from the metamorphoses and a nice literary translation.

Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde: 5/5 🔥

I’m obsessed with this book, I think about her words all the time and can’t stop talking about it. My most stimulating feminist read in a long long time, maybe forever. I will write an essay about this and I’d slither over just to watch this book eat cake.

Lessons by Ian McEwan: 3.5/5 🎹

I finished it today and I was trying to get through it since march. my rating might change but it didn’t have to be that long. Ian McEwan is my nemesis ever since I read nutshell. his style is good and i can’t deny that but his mind is twisted. I found some of the themes in the book fascinating but overall I think a book about a man’s life will just never actually speak to me personally. I’m very conflicted because despite all that it did trigger some thinking and during some scenes I was invested.

Rubinrot/Saphirblau/Smaragdgrün by Kerstin Gier: 💎

no star rating because I will never be able to look past the obsessive love I felt for this book series when I was 10 years old. kerstin but crack for my brain in between these pages. Revisiting the story brought me so much joy and I was mothering my inner child. sadness is temporary, enemies to lovers time travel romance is forever. go read your childhood favourites, it’s so much fun!

feel free to recommend books for the second half of the year and fight me if you want.

[chaifootsteps]

One thing about Hazbin that makes me sad is that I was so inspired and kind of obsessed with it over covid. I really thought it was going to be the next big thing and had the potential (note: potential) to be an insightful story about redemption and what it means to be "good person." I really was hoping it would do into ideologies and how good is subjective and can be variable, but that doesn't diminish the importance of trying to be the best you can to the world and those around you. I always liked how Charlie's song in the pilot seemed to focus on the plethora of "not to do's" and how being positive will get you into Heaven, which is superfical, but I was so excited to see her grow and understand what it means for someone to be worth redemption and even if they are, would the powers at be allow them into heaven.

Then Helluva Boss happened. And I am actually glad it did, since it really let me check my Hazbin expectation. I genuinly think season 1 had problems, but overall a genuinly okay season. I would have made some/quite a few changes, but it works. Season 2 feels so aimless and no overarching story. Season 1 can semi get away with that because it is the start so things are getting started, but it also had some themes of Moxxie's and Blitz's sense of self and the relationship with Stolas. I really didn't ship Stolitz, since they are not my cup of tea (I find little too creepy sometimes), but I was curious where things were going to go.

I think Hazbin genuinly has Helluva as a blessing and a curse. Hazbin had cracks but overall the pilot is more enjoyable than Helluva in my opinion. There are things I don't like, but I had some hope things would get ironed out for a grand show. Helluva really had me tamper my expectations for what I will see in Hazbin, but it also killed my intrest and excitement. If this is Vivzie at her best, then what is Hazbin. Did rhey have a writers room to critique the story or are we going with Viv's vision. I will say the quality of the show completly depends on how much of a writers room workshopped her ideas. I think she has fantastic ideas and concepts but is poor on the followthrough. It could still have a chance if theg brought writers in to help her.

I also worry that with the amount of time between the pilot and the release Hazbin fans have had more time to read and develope more insightful character and if Helluva is any example, then I worry that we shouldn't expect much from Hazbin.

I also don't think Vivzie has done much late 19th and 20th century history reading, since most of her characters were born, lived, and died then, but it only takes 10 minutes of googling and just wiki (a sourse viv has access to) to see how little research and sense went into some character backstories. You gotta at least know some broad stroked of when there were born, what they were around for at what ages and when they died. Strangly I think Husk is biggest offender, but I bet Alastor the more the show goes on will take the cake. If Mimzie shows up, I bet she's also barely researched since her asthetic and death date don't line up if you want her to be like that when she died. I have been reading for unrelated reasons books of early 20th century history of the US and around the world. I could write paragraphs on the issues of Husk historically and how we barely makes sense or doesn't. I know it's a fictional work, but some of these are bad, and it makes Viv look ignorant. You don't need things to be perfect for your show, and I would implore people to take some creative liberties, since the past is super complicated. However, I shouldn't be able to google questions and read wiki for 10 minutes to destroy your character idea completely since the backstory becomes impossible almost instantly. (HUSK)

Now Helluva is doing something and the show I waited years for I feel might be a dud. I can't say it didn't have positive impacts on my life since it made me curious to try new hobbies that reminded me of the characters. It's dorky but I kept my reasonings to myselr and just enjoyed the activity. I now habe nee friends, hobbies, and skills (and no one knows why I did this).

Anon, are you sure you're not me? Because the covid lockdown was exactly what led to me getting into Hazbin, and then attached enough to ignore Vivzie's stacking red flags for a while. It kept me sane during that miserable summer, which just so happened to coincide with some very difficult fandom stuff. It got me through when my grandma died.

Admitting the show wasn't the one we all dreamed of would have been one thing. Discovering what a tremendously awful person Vivzie is, that was a lot harder.

[black-arcana]

BUTCHER BABIES Part Ways With Singer CARLA HARVEY

BUTCHER BABIES have parted ways with singer Carla Harvey.

The band announced Harvey's exit in a social media post earlier today (Saturday, July 20). BUTCHER BABIES wrote: "As you may have already guessed, it is confirmed that Carla Harvey and BUTCHER BABIES have officially parted ways.

"Carla has been an integral part of our journey, bringing her unique talent, passion, and energy to the band. We are grateful for the incredible memories we've made together and the impact she has had on our music and our fans. We will miss her greatly and we wish her all the best in her future endeavors.

"We deeply appreciate your support over the past 15 years," BUTCHER BABIES added. "We feel incredibly fortunate to keep making and playing music as our career, and we are excited for this new era of BUTCHER BABIES!

"See you on the road."

Carla added in a separate post: "Over the last 6 months You may have noticed my absence from BUTCHER BABIES posts. After 15 years of dedication, I wanted to let you know that I will not be rejoining the band for any future endeavors.

"I am super proud of my work with BUTCHER BABIES…2 EPS, 5 Full lengths albums and countless tours with our metal heroes! To all of our incredible BUTCHER BABIES friends and fans…you have provided me with some of the greatest experiences of my life! I have loved every second of writing and performing all over the world for you! I have loved meeting you. WOW. I still can't believe this kid from Detroit got so lucky.

"I am not done making music and performing. I WILL see you soon".

Last fall, BUTCHER BABIES completed a European tour without Carla, who sat out the trek in order to undergo emergency surgery on her left eye.

Harvey shared the news of her absence from the tour on October 26, 2023 in a social media post. The 47-year-old singer, who co-founded BUTCHER BABIES in 2010 with fellow vocalist Heidi Shepherd, posted a photo of her performing with her bandmates, and she included the following message: "Here's a picture of a girl in her happy place; unfortunately i won't be in that happy place on the upcoming @butcherbabies Euro run. Love you all but i have to sit this one out!

"I have a history of problematic vision and I had to have a major surgery about 10 years ago in my right eye for a retinal detachment. On our summer tour the telltale symptoms repeated themselves in my left eye. I've been hoping to avoid major surgery but it is clear that it must be done. My emergency surgery will include a healing process of laying face down for a number of days with a gas bubble in my eye."

Carla added: "This is the first time in fifteen years i won't be able to join my friends on stage but right now my health and sight take precedence for me. While I am gutted that I cannot make the tour the risk of me waiting till after a tour to do such a surgery is too great and includes permanent vision loss. The beauty of having two vocalists is that Heidi can cover for me until i'm better!

"Hoping to make it out for part of this euro run…go to the shows, have a blast and support my bandmates for me! I'll see you soon!"

In the comments section, Shepherd voiced her support for her then-bandmate, writing: "Sending all the love and healing. We'll hold down the fort while you heal. We need those beautiful eyes to work!!! Love you!"

BUTCHER BABIES are scheduled to kick off a three-week European tour on July 27 at the Stonehenge festival in The Netherlands.

This past January, Harvey and ANTHRAX and PANTERA drummer Charlie Benante announced that they were officially engaged.

BUTCHER BABIES released a double album "Eye For An Eye…" and "…'Til The World's Blind", in July 2023. The double album celebrates the tenth anniversary of BUTCHER BABIES' critically acclaimed debut, "Goliath", released on July 9, 2013 via Century Media Records.

BUTCHER BABIES' previous album, 2017's "Lilith" was produced by Steve Evetts (THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN, SEPULTURA, SUICIDE SILENCE) and marked the band's recording debut with drummer Chase Brickenden, who replaced Chris Warner in 2016.

In July 2019, longtime BUTCHER BABIES bassist Jason Klein announced his departure from the band. He has since been replaced by Ricky Bonazza.

[waitmyturtles]

I can’t believe it’s over. Bed Friend -- you took me through all the emotions, all the worries and concerns about filmmaking and scripts, and unbelievably, you ended on the most perfect high note of all!

For me, this was UNEXPECTEDLY a great show, as I was REALLY worried, mid-series, about how the script and editing was going. Bed Friend, episode 10/finale thoughts!

I’ve seen some thoughts wondering if episodes 9 and 10 (the run was originally eight episodes) were necessary. I think they were.

The show needed to close the storylines of Uea’s mom and Pran’s dad, of Krit, and of the other abusers in Uea’s life (including Pock from earlier in the series). I think the show NEEDED to set up a storyline about King “caring for” Uea in the revenge-seeking of episodes 8 and 9 -- as the “caring” notion became an important tie-in for King to propose to Uea in episode 10, but had been there all along throughout the series (I LOVED that flashback that happened before Uea turned out the lights in the bedroom in the finale. Showing how King cared for Uea during the garage black-out earlier in the series was so apropos and reminiscent of how he’s cared for Uea all this time.) I think the show needed the time and space it took to really demonstrate the internal changes happening in Uea as he accepted King as his partner.

And I loved how episodes 9 and 10 continued to establish a closeness between Uea and his sister, Tongkao. In episodes 9 and 10, Uea’s family was finally confirmed and clarified. He was going to get to keep the one blood family member that truly loved him (his sister), while King’s family began to commit to bringing Uea into THEIR family. (TIAN’S DAD! Always there for the good moments!)

The yacht bit may have been overkill, but you know what -- I LOVED IT. 

Because! I think, for all that we worried about earlier in the series (@bengiyo hit this nicely in his stray thoughts about the finale, as I remember we both thought the editing of the episodes mid-series was off) -- Uea was just OVERWHELMED with trauma after trauma after trauma. Past and present trauma.

That not just a lot for a script to take on -- that’s a lot for a HUMAN to take on.

So, I think the series needed to convincingly take its time to help Uea get to his happiness. It was going to take a long time for Uea to work through all of that, with or without King.

I really liked that we had a timeline jump of a year in there, and to see Uea and King as affectionate as ever in their relationship. And to see Jade so excited for his friends to settle down, and to see King as excited as ever to continue moving forward in his love for Uea. (Hearing King’s voiceover about finding simple happiness with Uea...I was gutted. My family-loving heart.)

In other words: Uea went through his shit. We needed some candy-gilded episodes to recover from that shit. But I do think the episodes were necessary, because they still touched on the dynamics that Uea will have to manage throughout the rest of his life -- jealousy, workplace interactions, in-laws, and concern for his sister. (@bengiyo, I loved that you picked up on the doom music for King’s mom’s commentary about the rings, because that’s a very WhatsApp-chat-among-the-aunties kind of conversation that happens all the time, ha.)

This show wasn’t perfect, especially from a construction standpoint. It was indicative that the producers believed they needed two more episodes. But they got the job done. 

Like I said last week, Bed Friend is not in the echelon of the truly artistic and amazing GMMTV dramas. But this show carried a trauma-impacted storyline to its end, we got a tremendous and convincing happy ending -- and we got to see two people DEEPLY (like, VERY MOVINGLY AND DEEPLY) care for each other, grow INTO each other, and make family with each other, all while being hottie-hottie. I mean! That’s GREAT balance. 

This show was FABULOUS, and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. (@lurkingshan, if and when you binge it, please tag me, because I’ll be SO curious for your thoughts!)

King and Uea -- I’m gonna miss you, but I get you back in Middleman’s Love, and I can’t wait!

[knickynoo]

Back to the Future: The Animated Series, s02ep11 “Super Doc"

Previous episodes linked here.

In this episode: The boys once again decide to meddle in Doc's past.

The episode begins in Doc's lab! Which is a rare setting in this season (we usually have a green screen background).

Doc is fighting a battle against a heavy trunk, and he's losing.

He's about to take Clara, Jules, and Verne to the airport, and told them to just pack "only a single piece of luggage." They packed a gigantic, heavy trunk that Doc can't move. He says that Clara and the boys are going to visit his Great Uncle Jonah, to which my initial thought is: how old is that man?? It's not like there is any indication of time traveling being involved, as we're in "present day" and he's dropping them off at the airport. And Doc is, what...80-something at this point? (factoring in the 10 years he lived in the Old West building the time train and the fact that the cartoon takes place in 1993)

You're telling me his GREAT UNCLE is still alive??? The guy must be like 140 years old!!

I call shenanigans.

Anyway, Doc says that he'd need super powers to lift the trunk, which reminds him of a time in his life when he actually did believe he had super powers. This brings us into the cartoon.

Verne is up in a tree being taunted by his peers because he's afraid to jump out and use a rope to swing across a stream and land on the other side.

Apparently, this is part of the initiation to join the "Mega Muscle Man Club," which is based on a popular comic book superhero. Verne's classmate tells him he has one day left to prove he's worthy of joining the club. Another kid pipes up to say that Verne's too chicken to do it, and Vernie sadly climbs down the tree while all the boys cluck at him. :(

Meanwhile, over in Doc's lab, he's putting the final touches on the pair of "booster boots" he's built for Marty. "These booster boots will aid you in your yearning for more altitude," Doc says, to which our empty-headed Marty replies that all he wants is to be taller. Marty tests them out and is pleased that he won't have to stand on his tiptoes anymore to kiss Jennifer.

Ridiculous, short little man.

Verne comes stomping in, complaining about having to swing from the tree, and Doc tells him he shouldn't do something just because someone tries to pressure him. Jules soon joins them, carrying a box of things he'd found while cleaning out the attic. Marty finds a newspaper dated 1952 in the box that contains an interesting article.

Yeah. So...Doc was a wrestler. Because why not.

Doc says he never actually went through with the match, instead deciding to pursue a life of science. Those are quite the two choices to be stuck between.

I think the writers for the show just had a gigantic dart board filled with any random idea that popped into their heads and they threw darts to come up with the storylines and pieces of character lore. "Yeah, so for this episode...uh...Doc" *throws dart* "used to be a wrestler. I guess."

As soon as Doc leaves the room, Jules and Verne start lamenting how they wish their dad would have chosen to be a wrestler. Marty, who never thinks about the consequences of anything ever, immediately runs to the DeLorean and tells the boys to jump in. Because there's no way that going back in time and convincing Doc to choose such a wildly different path will have any negative impacts, right?

The boys head to 1952 and attend the wrestling match, where the announcer says that Emmett "Brain Buster" Brown has yet to show up. If he doesn't enter the ring in 10 minutes, he'll have to forfeit the match. Also, there's a banner advertising "Fepsi."

Marty, Jules, and Verne go backstage, where Doc's manager is panicking over his refusal to show up to the match. Jules and Verne propose they track down their dad and convince him to wrestle while Marty wears the costume and pretends to be Brain Buster until Doc shows up.

Marty protests this decision, telling the manager that girl scouts used to beat him at arm wrestling, so how could he possibly wrestle for real??

Over at Doc's apartment, Jules and Verne pose as reporters for their elementary school's newspaper and ask for the full story on how he got into wrestling. Turns out, the whole thing started because Doc was at the grocery store and reached for the last potato the same time as the manager did. They got into a physical fight over said potato, and Doc won. The guy offered to make him a wrestler and set him up in a match against Mad Maximus.

Because Doc wrangled a POTATO out of a man's hand.

Doc tells the boys that he's since decided a life of wrestling isn't for him, but they work to convince him to give it a try. Verne gives Doc the booster boots so that he can get to the arena on time, and they all head over to the match.

The audience members in the backgrounds are highly amusing, btw. A lot of them are completely faceless beings, but some of them have these generic looking stick figure type features, and I have to share them.

LOOK AT THEM! They're adorable!!

So, just as the match is about to start, the guy in charge of the crank that lowers and lifts the microphone lets it fall, and it bonks Doc on the head. When he wakes up, he thinks he's an actual superhero named Mega Brain Man. The boys follow him as he runs around the city stopping "crime" (he keeps wrongly interpreting innocent situations as crimes lol)

After attempting to stop some bad guys from blowing up a building (they're construction workers demolishing a condemned building) he gets hit on the head again and regains his senses. He returns to the arena to continue with the match and is, of course, truly awful at wrestling. After losing, Doc tells the boys that this is what he gets for letting others pressure him into something.

From there, we cut immediately back to the present day, where Verne is once again being told to swing from the tree in order to join the Muscle Man fan club. Despite continued accusations that he's a chicken, Verne is able to tell his classmates that he isn't going to jump. And that's where the cartoon ends.

We return to Real Doc, who is waving to the airplane as it takes off with Clara, Jules, and Verne. Doc says he isn't going with them on the trip because he's got work to finish. However, once his work is done, he's going to travel back in time and go with them. Which. Okay.

The science experiment portion teaches us what helps planes and helicopters fly.

We return very briefly to the airport tarmac, where Doc is wrapping up the episode and preparing for some incoming rain. He tells us that he hopes the experiment helped to teach why airplanes can fly but humans can't. Unless! You had a device that forced air pressure under you, which, whaddya know, Doc has!

An airplane flies by, and the resulting influx of air simply carries him away.

Adios, Doc.

A silly, silly episode. I kind of wish I'd been keeping track of all the pieces of Doc Lore from the cartoon, because Cartoon Doc has led such a wacky life.

Join me next time for another episode where Marty is a horrible boyfriend.

[muqingapologist]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

this is such a hard question because i’ve gone through so many phases of obsessing over pieces of media in my life, and sometimes it’s really hard for me to parse which characters are lasting favorites and which are just part of that phase. but i’ll try! keep in mind, lots of sentimentality ahead…

and this is in no particular order.

1. wei wuxian (the untamed)

ok so this kind of goes along with a previous post i made discussing my feelings of the mdzs book vs. the untamed. when i first watched the untamed at the recommendation of a friend, it was so unlike anything i’d ever seen before. and wei wuxian was so unlike any protagonist i’d ever encountered before. his determination to do what’s right no matter what others do, but also not being above experiencing doubt and uncertainty about his decisions, really touched me. also of course his carefree attitude toward life is something i repeatedly try and fail to achieve myself. it might also have to do with xiao zhan’s acting choices, but he really touched me as a character. it’s hard for me to say if the wwx of the book did the same organically because i read it over a long period of time after watching the show, so im just going to count the untamed version.

2. shizuku tsukishima (whisper of the heart)

this one is probably pretty niche but allow me to give my most heartfelt recommendation of whisper of the heart, my favorite ghibli movie and one of my favorite films of all time. shizuku is the protagonist of the film. she’s a young girl, probably about 14, and so far, her life has been defined by satisfying her imagination by always reading fiction, immersing herself in stories. inspired by the love interest of the film seiji, she decides she wants to try to be a writer. the film is kind of like a slice of life over a few months of this time, and we see shizuku struggle with perfectionism and wanting to follow her dreams and inability to take criticism, etc. i rarely cry over movies but i cried at this one because i had just never felt so seen by a character. everyone please watch whisper of the heart!🙏

3. prince zuko (avatar: the last airbender)

i think 50% of the reason he’s on here is sentimentality since avatar was a show i watched so much throughout my childhood and of course again more recently with its resurgence in popularity, but also what can i say? his character arc is unmatched. i won’t rehash the details. i will say uncle iroh would probably be here instead if we knew any more about his past because he’s off-screen journey is just so fascinating to me.

4. percy jackson (percy jackson & the 12 olympians)

PURE sentimentality but ya know….also im only considering this character how he exists in the original series. he kind of lost me in heroes of olympus. but yeah percy jackson was the first character that really impacted me back when i was 9, and i think i still carry that impact to this day. i also think the original series still holds up reading it as an adult.

5. kim wexler (better call saul)

kim nation!!! reveal yourselves!! i watched better call saul a little over a year ago and damn, it’s so rare to find such interesting, well-developed, flawed within reason female characters in a tv drama like this. her intelligence and her tendency to get carried away with jimmy don’t contradict each other but work together. her emotional journey….UGH!! kim x post-prison jimmy, who else hopes?

6. xie lian (tgcf/heaven official’s blessing)

so this one is new and i’m not completely sure the deep impression will last yet, but i’ll explain. when i first read tgcf about two years ago, i kind of skimmed because it was so long, and the feelings i had toward xie lian were…not super favorable. i was kind of bored by him and….i saw him as a lesser wei wuxian. AND I WAS WRONG!!! because i reread tgcf finally a couple of months ago, no skimming, really thinking about what i was reading and now i love him. his journey from optimistic prince who had never before suffered to carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders to nearly collapsing under that weight but despite all odds, pulling through and once again finding that optimism, or at least hope. it touched me so much this time around!!! also i don’t know why i thought he was boring first time around. this guy is funny as hell! anyway, lots of lessons to apply to my own life and whatnot.

7. ninth doctor (doctor who)

guys….hear me out. notice im not saying “the doctor” because i think most of doctor who is just nonsense. but that one season with the ninth doctor (and okay i like the tenth doctor’s seasons well enough, or i did really love them. less so these days…). so much potential. so when i say he’s one of my favorite characters ever, i accept that it’s mostly the version of the doctor that lives in my head and isn’t subject to the bad writing decisions made later in the show. it’s a lot of sentimentality, but i am really fascinated by this traumatized alien guy who just lost his entire people, finding himself devolving into more violent, unforgiving tendencies, but meeting rose, jack, whoever else along the way is able to remind him of not who he was but who he could be. of course doctor who is forever ongoing though so character development can only go too far lol.

8. nozue (old-fashioned cupcake)

this is also brand new so not sure if lasting because i only just read and watched ofc, but man. this guy’s journey from being defeatist about getting older and turning 40, being afraid of trying anything new, to allowing himself to experience new things, one of those things being falling in love! his whole concept of using regret as fuel for happiness, transmitting that idea to togawa who transmits it back to nozue later!! ahhh!! so like my love for this character might actually just be love for the entire story but i can’t not mention it every five seconds rn so….

9. isabel archer (portrait of a lady)

so this is the protagonist of henry james’s portrait of a lady, which i finally finished reading last month. and gosh! well the book itself was amazing, but i was especially touched by isabel’s character, mainly because she just felt so realistic. her motivations, her goals, her shift, her sorrows, they all feel earned, creating an incredibly vivid character that i think most people can find something in there to relate to, especially other women who have always been told they are clever and imaginative and yet find themselves struggling internally to live up to those expectations.

10. natasha rostova (war and peace)

it’s been years since i read war and peace in my university freshman seminar, so it’s hard for me to speak on the details of why exactly this character is here. but also it’s no surprise because this is a character that continues to be the star of russian literature. what i can say, she’s another bright, carefree character (clearly symbolizing aspects of russian culture but even beyond that) who it’s impossible not to feel deeply connected to. she goes through some pretty life-altering stuff in war and peace (everyone listen to the musical called natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812 for those details!!) and as the reader, you just really feel for her. idk man she still stands out in my mind, but also this is also much thanks to the musical i just mentioned above.

i kind of came up with these on the spot so like…who knows how accurate this is, but i like to talk about the things i like so sue me. thank you for the question though!!

[kylosbreedingkink]

Luke and Ben's relationship, my thoughts

What we know:

Ben went to Luke at around 10. 

We know Snoke was talking to Ben from a young age, but the youngest instance we have in canon of this so far is at around age 13/14 (From TRoKR comic). The conversation implied that they knew one another well, supporting the fact that they spoke from an even younger age.

At age 16, Ben was running the academy in Luke’s absence. He was also giving classes and had a lot of responsibility.

We know that Luke wanted Ben to take on the academy after him, and that Luke would have been trying to prepare Ben for this eventuality.

Ben found the pressure difficult, and the expectations on him from being who he was. We know this from what he told Tai in TRoKR. He claims that even his own name isn’t his own (Being named after someone else, someone great)

We know that Luke wanted to set up a Jedi school to help Force sensitives and to bring back the force of good that the Jedi were in the past.

Luke himself never went to Jedi school and so wouldn’t have experienced the pros and cons himself. We as viewers would know them, but how would Luke? Presumably texts written by the Jedi themselves would have focused on how it was supposed to go and how the perfect scenario would look like, rather than going through all the mistakes. It’s normal for people to write about the good things and espouse their values rather than all the things that went wrong.

We know that Luke is a good person, a nice guy, and generally quite optimistic. We also know he has moments when anger gets the better of him. Which is natural given all that the guy has gone through in life, not showing any negative impact of that would be bizarre to say the least.

Ben wasn’t the only one helping him with lessons, Shadow of the Sith referenced another person. I don’t believe it’s known if this person was also another student or more of a responsible adult that taught other classes that Luke was not qualified in.

Ben had issues with his emotions. This is referenced to him as a child, and is clearly seen in all three ST films. Now this is a whole other topic on the influences grooming can have on a child right through into adulthood but that would be a Kylo & Snoke topic. Though we do know that emotion affects the Force and how people use it. Someone very emotional would have more issues with this.

Luke AFAIK never references Snoke directly. Leia did, but not Luke.

What we don’t know:

The exact reason for the breakdown of their relationship, though we can infer bits from what we do know, mostly it is HC

How much training Luke had to run a school. Teaching isn’t a simple thing, and he is not only teaching but running a boarding school. He was the sole parental figure for a lot of children. Even if kids still had access to their parents, it was still Luke who they saw daily, who taught them, helped them, etc. It’s a lot of work.

Exactly how much help did Luke have. A school is a lot of work and requires teachers, cooks, counsellors, administration, and all that. 

I believe that Luke and Ben had a good relationship for most of their time together, though there were also bits where it broke down over time. This would be normal. Ben spent his teen years with Luke, and teens naturally gravitate away from authority figures and start questioning everything. Teens have doubts, and fears. The tactics that work on calming a child would not work on calming a teenager. 

Luke would have been a father figure to Ben. There had already been a distancing of Ben and Han, we do not know why yet. However in TFA Han mentions not having seen his son in a very long time, implying not since he was young. Some fans take this to mean he had not seen him since he joined Jedi school. (Han also talks like there was some sort of event which made him scared of Ben, referencing him being dark)

Due to the absence of Han, naturally Ben would have gravitated towards a new father figure in Luke. We know he hero worshipped Luke when a young teen, as seen clearly in TRoKR. Ben may have perhaps viewed their relationship as more a father-son type deal whereas Luke would have naturally kept to an uncle-nephew one, as why wouldn’t he? In this scene in TRoKR, Ren refers to Ben’s darkness, and Luke does not seem at all surprised about this. It seems like something he knows. If it’s something that he knows, then presumably it’s something that he tries to deal with.

We know that Luke encouraged students to keep a diary, to record their thoughts etc. We also know that Luke gave Ben Obi-Wans old diary set. A gift, from master to student or uncle to nephew? I think he would have encouraged Ben to keep a track of his emotions this way. I also think that maybe this gift wasn’t as great as Luke thought, that maybe it would have put more pressure on Ben to live up to his namesake.

Luke was also managing an entire boarding school, raising a bunch of kids presumably solo or with minimal help. That’s a hell of a lot of work. He’s not going to have the time to focus on each individual student, that’s just physically impossible. Then you have Ben and his own peculiarities and needs, perhaps more emotional and clingy than other students looking to Luke like a father and not like an uncle, it would have been easy for things to slip under the radar.

Luke in SotS reminded Ben a few times to call him Master, not uncle. This is a distancing. This could either be as he was trying to follow Jedi teachings, or as he was trying to help Ben centre himself and keep away from emotional feelings which influence him. However, in SotS, Luke also focuses hard on Ben and how he sees the Force in Ben and his hopes for Ben’s future. I think here Luke was being a positive person, optimistic, but perhaps overlooking things. As a reader, Ben in the scenes feels anxious, with a constant tic of running his hand through his hair. We do not know if this is due to the pressures that Luke etc are putting on him, or due to Snoke. Likely, it is both.

Feeling overlooked, I believe a teen Ben would have gained more doubts, and had resentment start to build. Natural things, a teen would usually learn to work through this with help of peers, an adult, or by themselves. Ben had Snoke to help him work through it. Snoke, who has another agenda altogether. 

Snoke groomed him by having full access to his mind and speaking directly in it. Snoke at this point and for most his life wasn’t a bad person, Snoke was his friend. In an ideal world, grooming would be spotted and stopped, but reality is the vast majority of grooming that happens goes completely unnoticed by the adults in the kid's life. If you say ‘Luke would have known!’ then tell me, why would he have known? How would he have known? If the answer is sensing through the Force, then why would Snoke not have been able to hide? Luke knows that Ben struggles with  the dark, would Snoke not have been able to hide in this? How would Luke have just automatically known what was going on here? He is only human after all.

There’s also the whole Luke v Ben thing. I feel that Luke had reacted badly to a vision, and in reacting badly to it, is the one who set of the chain of events making said vision happen. Seeing a dark vision made a dark vision come true, exactly what happened to Anakin. You can constantly tell yourself something (eg don’t listen to visions) but if something feels so real and in everything else you listen to the Force, not paying attention to a vision would naturally be incredibly difficult. I feel like Luke may have been realising he was missing things with Ben and reacted with panic, especially given his history and his emotional state after the trauma of the events of the OT. He changed his mind right at the last moment, which is in character, but I do think he is someone who would have bouts of anger, and I believe OT canon supports this? On Ben’s part, he woke up to a trusted family member ready to kill him. That family member changing his mind wouldn’t occur to him - why would it? If you woke up to a family member pointing a gun at you, are you going to sit around and talk it out? Why would Ben automatically know what we, the audience, know? Luke himself admits he messed up here. Add in that it is heavily implied that Snoke had been manipulating Ben into thinking that Luke was going to kill him one day. Despite waking to a betrayal and having a surge of emotion that reacted badly, destroying the school, Ben still didn’t ‘turn dark’ after this. He was still conflicted. He was still unsure. He didn’t ‘fall to the dark’ until after more events and seeing his very close Friend, Tai, be killed and then used emotion to kill the murderer.

And then there’s bringing the roof down on Luke - I strongly believe that despite Kylo telling himself that Luke was dead, he knew deep down he wasn’t. I don’t think he planned on killing Luke at all, if he did he would have used his weapon, looked for Luke in the rubble and finished it. Despite Snoke saying that they ‘both’ thought this was going to happen (Both in quotes as Ben seems uncertain in these panels, but Snoke is a convincing talker), Ben was still conflicted. Luke was his father figure, his master, his mentor. He had a good relationship with him, and then this big betrayal happened. The scenes after this are him in shock, disbelieving, and then trying to harden himself in an almost ‘it was inevitable’ way, which I took to be a Snokes words influencing him.

Note: His ship is called Grimtaash. Grimtaash is specifically a figure which protects the royal family of Alderaan from traitors. A fitting name for a ship when Ben, the only descendant of the last princess of Alderaan, felt betrayed, there was a traitor to him in his own family.

Also, the comic short from last year. Kylo is looking for Luke’s ghost. He has unfinished business, he wants to destroy Luke. Whatever bollocks. I think these are lies, to himself. He is still reeling from the loss of Snoke, his friend and master from childhood. He had never had a moment in his life where he didn’t have guidance from someone, it was always Luke or Snoke. I really feel his hunt for Luke’s ghost was a hunt for some sort of guidance and closure, as I don’t think he ever stopped respecting Luke. Him wanting to destroy a ghost makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, so it must have been a search for another reason and he was just telling himself otherwise.

He was scared of Luke in TLJ for sure, but he’s not going to be scared of someone unless he respected them.

Questions for canon and for fans:

Why wouldn’t Luke practise no attachments? Who would have told him that this is bad to do? Especially considering that he is going by Jedi texts and trying to follow the practices of the Jedi order which would have had this as the best thing to do, and as the way it should be done.

When did Lukes school actually start? With Grogu? Or did he have a break when Grogu left and didn’t start it again properly until a dire need came with his own nephew needing tutelage? 

On attachments, how much information do we have on Luke and no attachments? Yes, Grogu. Yes, telling Ben to call him uncle. But Luke himself still spoke to his sister. And we have Ben’s own ship, Grimtaash, named after a mythological Alderaani figure and the implication from Geegee that Ben had visited his mother before. Ben’s ship was different and looks more expensive than the other ships being used by the students - gift from mum? How does that pan into no attachments at all?

At the same time, no attachments not working with Grogu would have been a special case, given Grogu’s long life, he could easily return to Jedi training after Din’s death, he would still be young enough. So why would he go back to attachments? (I say young enough, Ben started at age 10 which seems to be an outlier for Jedi training starting at an older age - much like Anakin and Luke)

Overall, the attachment thing is kinda up in the air. I believe it is more on the no attachments side for Luke, with maybe some slip ups, or rather, some allowances in some special cases.

And once more, how would Luke have just known about Snoke talking to Ben? Ben wouldn’t have told him, he’s a kid who’s been groomed and the first thing a groomer would do is ensure the kid wouldn’t tell on them.

In conclusion, I think it’s important to remember that our heroes aren’t infallible. Ben learned this, and we as viewers learned this. However, heroes making mistakes humanises them and gives opportunities for growth. I think that Ben and Luke loved one another as family does, and that the break down wasn’t due to hate or disgust, but perhaps some resentment from Ben, and Luke having taken on far far too much with running a whole school and doing other things with it like tracking Jedi artefacts. Luke took on a lot, and I think expecting him to be perfect in all that he took on is a stretch. I think he expected to be perfect in all he took on, and then when it came to it, the stress perhaps made his reaction to visions worse and he reacted in a moment of anger.

[spade-riddles]

Hey Kaylor Family,

I just wanted to send a few thoughts from a "Kaylor" who hides in plain sight daily. It's not fun but I don't have a choice. I have beautiful children, married to a wonderful, attractive man, and (in the past 5-7-10 years) accepted myself for what I was not allowed to be. This beautiful and cursed discovery of why I can't make some things make sense is so much bigger than me now. Had I been allowed to be gay, I would have. Had I been embraced for being authentic, I would have. Had I had the support and tools to be brave, I would have. But, like so many others, that's just not the playing cards I was dealt. I think our community relates to TS and Karlie because they DO accept, and embrace, and through us, find ways to celebrate. It's exactly what people like me (and others) fantasize about but shut the daydream down because it's not worth a loved one's pain. Imagine the agony of choosing yourself over someone you care so deeply for? Imagine the potential hurt you seemingly would cause your children because you chose yourself? I also work in a profession that brings a great deal of good to others and that impact could (at least in my tortured mind) be diminished unless my actions were lucky enough, at best, to be pruned off.

I put this all out there to say that our Kaylor community has been a safe haven for us all, including TS and Karlie. It has not always been pretty, but it has been safe. We don't know where all the puzzle pieces go but we do all know there is a bigger picture. We all are so desperately trying to keep our eyes tuned to the picture on the box and not the cruelty of searching for the colored and shaded details of each piece. That's not the fun part, the satisfaction comes from the pieces working together.

We all, in our own little worlds, are fighting the same, cruel battle. Do we really want to hunt for another piece or just leave the puzzle incomplete? What would it hurt? Who would really know we even attempted this nearly impossible task? The problem is we have to live with ourselves and ultimately, answer to those we so deeply love. We and those loved ones know (or will eventually know) what puzzle we attempted to solve because that is a part of who we are. So, like I believe TS and Karlie have been doing, keep our heads down. Continue to find another piece to help it all make sense. And from a Christian perspective, I 100% believe I am perfectly created to be exactly the way He intended.

We don't know the battles, the details, nor the hurt that prevents TS and Karlie from living the life they continue to show us they want to live. I do know they have their heads down, they consistently show us they are committed to the big picture. It's not black and white, it's Find and Seek until the game is over. Until then , minimize the harm to others and do the most good with what you know.

❤️

[wheresmyrubyslippers]

10 Years

It's been 10 years since I sat in a booth at Goodson's Country Cafe, inebriated for a family dinner and swearing up and down I hadn't had a single drink. I can't remember particulars but I bet I was blaming medication or lack of sleep, anything but the reality that I couldn't stop. Anything but telling the truth that I was terrified to stop. Every morning I would wake up wondering how I would afford the next drink. Every evening I would fall asleep thinking it would be the last drink. It was a cycle that made me into a person I couldn't recognize anymore...which made me want to drink even more. “Wasted potential,” and “broken,” were how I thought of myself.

10 years since I sat in a lobby at PaRC, it felt so clinical and punitive. My family had had enough. They were scared, angry, confused, and lost. In my selfish state I always thought that my drinking only really impacted me but it quickly became apparent that it hurt my entire village. Well, the only village that really mattered. The first year of sobriety taught me that, as I learned how to be present and show up instead of run away from everything.

It is a privilege to be 10 years sober and I am exceedingly fortunate to have the gift of a second life, God knows I tempted that fate too many times when drinking. If I could tell myself circa 2013 what my life would become, I probably would have laughed and had another swig thinking it was impossible so why bother.

This life didn't just happen because I stopped picking up a bottle, it happened because before I could believe in myself, I had people showing me the best of me. My parents, even when they felt like I had disappeared entirely, showed me grace and love every damn day. Having kids of my own now, my heart breaks for what my parents had to go through. I was lucky to have two incredible siblings who made me laugh when I was a caged animal at rehab and who always built me up into the person they knew I could be. For so SO long I had only seen disappointment in their eyes but the year after getting sober, it was the best thing in the world to see trust again.

Friends both new and old showed me what a community looks like without social lubrication of substances. I got to know people in a new, hard, beautiful way and actually feel all of it. I cannot explain how awkward it is to feel like a teenager in an adult body except maybe the uncomfortable feeling after walking back after trying to bowl when everyone is watching you and you don't know the appropriate way to react...x10

That being said, the people in early recovery gave me a safe space to relearn how to cope with the highs and lows of life. Sober living and AA thrust me into a community of devastatingly beautiful humans; creative, funny, genius, kind, misunderstood, yearning people. How lucky I have been in the people that have danced into and out of my life, the memories they have gifted me with and the part of me they have built.

Once you are in a sober community though, you also know significant loss. Friends made in rehab who were met with clear eyes and such magnificent plans for their lives could stripped back into the abyss of addiction in the blink of an eye. It's heartbreak after heartbreak getting to know the addiction free person and then seeing them back in, or far too frequently, even worse.

My dad asked me recently, at a very different kind of fancy lunch in the Lake District, what has helped me keep going and immediately I thought of the relationships I've had these past 10 years. From my friends who were in the trenches with me in rehab and sober living, to my college community and AA group in Kentucky who taught me how fun living sober can be, and finally meeting the love of my life and producing the two most miraculous human beings together. All of these relationships were made possible by the foundation they were built on, the family that fought for me over and over again until I finally fought for myself.

Even now I think how nice a glass of wine sounds but when I "play the tape through," there's so much life I have been given that it will never be worth it. It never was worth it to begin with.

If you are struggling with substance use, there are ways out. They are painful, awkward, joyful, boring, hilarious, and confusing but good god the ups and downs are so worth it. If you don't have believing mirrors around you right now, get into some rooms and you'll quickly find people fighting in your corner, showing you how wonderful you are. It'll take awhile to believe them but one day you will.

[jonquilyst]

My Perception of Pet Mortality

Not sims related, but I felt compelled to share.

Today my brother and I discussed pet mortality today, so I wanted to share the advice I shared with him about pet mortality in case if you have a pet (and especially if you've lost a pet in the past)

This is Shaggy, my beloved childhood cat. He died in 2020 at the age of 11 from kidney failure. To quickly describe the cat he was, he was an intelligent, though grumpy indoor-outdoor boi who patrolled the neighborhood block and was an affluent hunter. He frequently brought home live birds and bunnies to our deck to give us a lovely execution show before he would devour his treat.

He was such a good hunter that the bunny population in our neighborhood bottlenecked and did not return until last year (3 years after his passing).

10 months after Shaggy died, we rescued a kitten named Oskar, who has been with us ever since.

Now, introducing my very own cat, Lacey. She's a kitten in this picture but she will be 5 years old next month. My brother asked me today if when Lacey eventually dies, I would adopt another cat.

My answer was yes.

He asked me if I would adopt the cat so I could replace Lacey.

I said no.

He then asked me why I would adopt another cat if I wasn't intending on replacing her, especially since we had adopted Oskar after Shaggy died.

This is what I told him (though fumbling on my words trying to get my point across):

Pet mortality is a very sad thing, yes. It is the worst to lose a pet, but I think there's a very good reason why pets only serve a fraction of our lifetimes and this is why:

When we lose a pet, our animal-loving hearts tend to open up to loving new animals. Of course, it'll take some time to grieve the loss of the departed pet, but more often than not, we adopt a new animal.

Why do we do this? Is it because we're "replacing" the lost pet?

Most often times, no. The reason why is because the animal being adopted is an entirely new being, with a different personality and quirks and habits that's totally different from the lost pet.

Pets only live for so long so us humans can love as many animals as possible. Again, it's sad, yes, but I stand by the quote: "they may not have lasted all of your life, but you lasted all of theirs." There's something so beautiful about being there for an animal for the duration of its life, even if you adopted the animal later in its life, and especially when it comes to touching the lives of many animals over the course of your own human life.

Point being, when you adopt a pet after the loss of a previous one, you are not replacing them. Rather, you are opening your heart to a new being who will enrich your life in a brand new way. You will never have an animal that's exactly like the one you lost again, so it's very much worth remembering them.

I told my brother that even though it's been 4 years since Shaggy died, we still talk about him, reminisce about him, laugh about him, remember him. His urn containing his ashes and a cast of his pawprint still remain on our fireplace mantle. I told him that the fact that we still continue to remember him, that Shaggy impacted us in this way, is proof that we never replaced him.

Our new cat Oskar is simply a new addition to our family.

So, when my Lacey eventually passes (hopefully not for a long long time, but Ik it will happen), I will adopt a new cat, because I want to keep loving cats for as long as I live. Humans impact cats and cats impact humans in such a beautiful and powerful way that I want to continue extending my impact to new felines who will live alongside me, and so that they can impact me in the same way, even if they might not last the entirety of my life.

Pets are family forever.