#the hard drive did die on me in 2019 so i replaced it with a ssd and it's been working perfect since then

[gardenstateofmind]

was getting annoyed that my laptop is being so slow rn but then i remembered that it's turning 9 this november and honestly the current state of electronics is such that i'm just grateful it's held up so well for nearly a decade

[reinterlacing]

I'm about to start taking apart my lan (local area network for you witchy mosscore types) in the house I came to in 2019 hoping to find solace and a place to recover.

I'll disconnect the tiny PC and the even tinier tech box + hard drive, and the network switch, and battery backup which make up my little indie "data center" that I built from cheap and cast-off parts. I'll take down the router in the basement and the one upstairs that formed a wifi bridge around the huge chimney so I could work in a bedroom while the servers lived next to the ethernet drop in the cool dark downstairs.

I'm bringing all this with me and will set it up in another basement - one where I can potentially leave it for a while - in a house where I don't know if I can stay more than another few weeks or a month or two.

I came out here with a lot of hope. that hope is now gone, replaced by other hope that's lesser in scope but perhaps more realistic.

I learned a lot.

I learned a bunch of technologies which I taught myself on those doorstop computers - just like when I was 16 and my father saw me using a computer I built in a literal cardboard box and had nothing to contribute. back then I taught myself assembly language out of a library book. in this case it was vital skills I missed from 2014 onward.

I learned people have widely differing ideas when it comes to core values like friendship, loyalty, duty of concern, and so forth. "people" very much including me. I've hurt others due to my own questionable values in that regard and now I know it. my own inability to communicate under certain conditions also did not help.

I learned that every molecule of extroversion within me is "affiliative" - the drive to love & be loved - rather than "agentic" - the desire to project & be seen. a lot of people seem to prefer agentic extroversion, and I learned I have very little to say to those who do.

I lost my best friend & confidant of 30 years, I haven't even begun to be able to address that, and quite frankly, nobody gives a shit.

I honestly don't know what to say or do at this point and am just grateful to have found some Zen teachings along the lines of "before enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water; after enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water."

lately people have been having opinions on how I should or shouldn't be doing things. the common thread among all these people is that they have expended minimal effort to understand why I do what I do in the way that I do. accordingly, their opinions on the subject are of little use to me.

I found out the mother who I've had no contact with in many years, whose mind was gone not long after I broke it off, is dying. it wasn't a shock. only in the past few months did I reach sufficient insight on the shit she did to have compassion for her as a human being, and she didn't have anywhere near the 30 years it took for me to get there, extended as the journey was by her bad behavior, lack of insight, and lack of ability to build another human being up rather than tear them down. I needed, and need, a lot of support which I never got.

I treasure my newfound wisdom, but overall, I feel diminished by the past 5 years especially.

at this point I just want to find someone to be naked with - I think if you're still reading you know what I mean by this, or close enough anyhow - who'll be my ride or die and I'll be their ride or die until the wheels really do come off this whole absurd circus or until we're gone, whichever comes first.

I always thought sure that'd happen. I thought sure. even thru all the time being an awkward kid and an awkward adult, I was sure I'd eventually find my constant, and then I would finally be able to put all the hungry restless miles behind me and devote myself to her and to us.

it's hard to overstate how central this is to my identity. people usually wanna sell some individualistic platitudes at this point, but I am long past that bullshit. I am absolutely meant to be part of a dyad and I function so much better within a healthy one.

and now I have to admit, decades late at pointing out the obvious, that the odds don't really seem very good.

I don't know how much fight I have left in me, probably it'd be none but for the continued availability of a very long pharmaceutical supply chain. but those pills are some good shit; I know I'll keep getting up as long as that prescription keeps showing up.

for the position I'm in, I'm in a pretty good position: a nearly-complete 1-man survival gear loadout, a collection of computer bits sufficient to do indie remote work from most anywhere in the lower 48 and in many other countries, and a paid 3-month SIM card.

I can pull 40 bucks an hour even with absolute shit-tier reliability because of my skillset, and I can make a lot more than that if I can ever get stable again. I just need a quiet private space without a bunch of random shit going on in it, especially addiction.

I am a homebody. I need a home. me without a kitchen and plants is already approaching tragic, now please if you are going to be present with me at all, understand that I, need, a home.

and the reality is, I don't think I'm going to have one for a long time yet, if ever.

[letterboxd]

Lonesome Cruiser.

Blockbuster composer Tom Holkenborg, aka Junkie XL, talks to Gemma Gracewood about composing for titans, his pride in Dutch cinema, friendship with George Miller and longing for Olivia Newton-John. Plus: his Letterboxd Life in Film and why he’s selling his prized collection of recording gear.

It has been a spectacular spring for Tom Holkenborg, the Dutch musician also known as Junkie XL, who has crafted the scores for multiplex fare such as Mad Max: Fury Road, Deadpool, Terminator: Dark Fate, Sonic the Hedgehog and the upcoming zombie banger Army of the Dead. Only weeks apart, two blockbusters landed on screens with his sonic stamp all over them: Adam Wingard’s Godzilla vs. Kong and Zack Snyder’s re-realized Justice League.

Thankfully, the Godzilla vs. Kong score was complete by the time the Justice League telephone rang. Holkenborg—who had lost the Justice League gig along with Snyder the first time around—knew the Snyder cut was coming; he had closely watched the growing calls for it online. “Zack and I already started talking in 2019. He’s like, ‘What if we were to finish this? What would it take?’ Those conversations turned to ‘Well, how many recording days potentially do you need and how much of an orchestra do you potentially need?’ Finally, somewhere in April 2020, that’s when that phone call came: ‘Okay, light’s green, start tomorrow, and start running until it’s done because it’s four and a half hours’.”

Ray Fisher as Cyborg in ‘Zack Snyder’s Justice League’.

Holkenborg approaches the titanic task of blockbuster film scoring with an engineer’s mindset: “Building a fantastic, huge house with 20 bedrooms and the dance hall and the kitchen… You’re not going to start by building the third bathroom for the third guest room, right?” Once he has identified the scenes that are most important to his directors—for Snyder, they included the introduction of Cyborg, three fight set-pieces, and a scene of The Flash running that comes towards the end of the film—the composer identifies instrumental “colors” in order to build a theme around each character. Then he holds some of those colors back, theorizing that “if you want like an, ‘Oh!’ experience by looking at a painting that has a huge amount of bright yellow in it, it’s way more successful to see fifteen paintings in front of it, where yellow is absent.”

The Godzilla vs. Kong score satisfies Holkenborg’s life-long love of both characters. “I don’t have a preference for either one. I love them both for various different reasons.” Their respective histories fascinate him: Godzilla as a way to make sense of Japan’s nuclear fall-out, and Kong as a gigantic spectacle that ended up attracting the sympathies of the audiences he was supposed to scare. Even when the science makes no sense (“what the fuck are plasma boosters, anyway?!”), Holkenborg is still happy to wax lyrical about the emotional depth of Kong’s stories, the elaborate concepts of the Godzilla-verse, and his musical approach to the pair—dark, moving brass for Godzilla, with synthesized elements “because he is a half-synthesized animal”, and a more organic, complex orchestration for Kong, featuring “one of the world’s bigger bass drums”.

Adam Wingard’s ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’.

All of this seat-shaking bombast is composed on an “insanely massive sound system” in Holkenborg’s small home studio (though he reassures pandemic-stricken film lovers that he has recently seen both Godzilla vs. Kong and Justice League on his laptop—and “really enjoyed watching it like that”). The process, he says, was “pretty intense”, but only in terms of the sheer amount of score needed. Composing in quarantine was not much different from his usual workflow. “I’m a pretty lonesome cruiser anyway. Composing, by nature, is like a solo exercise—obviously with assistance.”

Like many creatives (Bong Joon-ho recently told a film studies class that he is up at 5:00am most days to watch a movie), Holkenborg is an early riser, waking by 4:00am. “I’m super sharp between like 4 or 5:00am and 9:00am, so I like to do a lot of creative work in that slot.” He takes care of business until mid-afternoon, when another creative spurt happens. “And then I have another batch of calls usually to make, and then around 8:30pm, I’m going to retire for the rest of the day and just chill out a little bit and watch stuff that I want to see, read things that I want to read. Right now I’m studying Portuguese.” By 10:30pm, he’s asleep. “And then at three o’clock I get up.” (Needless to say, Holkenborg’s children are no longer small.)

The pandemic simplified a lot of things for a lot of people: for Holkenborg, it has been a moment to tidy up the physical side of his work. In November last year, he opened an online shop to divest the bulk of his gear—synths, pedals, guitars, drum machines and much more—that he has been collecting since the late 1970s. When friends told him he’d regret it, he disagreed. “At some point I’m going to die. I can’t take them to the afterlife. I also found out I don’t need them. I love to have them around, but I don’t need them.”

Tom Holkenborg with the bass drum used in the ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ score.

It certainly solves the question of what he’d take if his house was on fire. “The hard drives with sounds and music over the last 40 years, 45 years, that’s hard to replace. So, that would be it. I’m just thinking about things that are absolutely irreplaceable and there are not that many, really.” Alas, it’s bad news for that bass drum. “I can’t take that with me when the house is on fire. Unfortunately, it’s going to make the house burn longer.”

Anyone who has interviewed or spent time with Holkenborg will agree: he may be a lonesome cruiser, but he is also personable, funny, loves to settle in for a chat. As he lights his second or third cigarette in readiness for his Life in Film questionnaire, I’m curious about his relationships with the esteemed filmmakers he has worked with—who include his mentor, Hans Zimmer, directors Sir Peter Jackson, Tim Miller, Robert Rodriguez and, especially, Fury Road’s George Miller.

The story of how Holkenborg scored Mad Max: Fury Road bears retelling: that George Miller did not want a soundtrack (“he was convinced that the orchestration of sounds of the cars would be enough to carry the whole movie”), that Holkenborg was only brought in to create a little something for the Coma-Doof Warrior’s flame-throwing guitar, that they hit it off, the job grew, and grew, into a score that covers almost the entire film.

The Coma-Doof Warrior in ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ (2015).

What is his best memory of Fury Road? “Well, obviously, when I saw the movie for the first time and I was like ‘what the hell am I looking at?’,” he laughs. “What I mostly look back on is the friendship that I developed with George and the film school one-on-one that I got admitted to, while being paid at the same time, to study with somebody like him. We would talk all night about all kinds of things and nothing, because that really defines our relationship so much—a joint interest in so many different things.”

Happily, Holkenborg and Miller are working together again, on Three Thousand Years of Longing. “It’s really great to be in that process with him again. It’s just like about pricking each other with a little needle. It’s like, ‘Oh, why are you saying that?’ We do that with each other to keep each other sharp. ‘Oh, but if you’re doing this, I’m going to be doing that.’ And then, ‘Oh, if you’re doing that, I’m going to be doing this.’ So it’s really interesting.”

What is your favorite Godzilla film?

Tom Holkenborg: 1989’s Godzilla vs. Biollante. It’s a very obscure one where he’s basically fighting a giant rose. Let’s not look for the logic there.

Why has that particular Godzilla captured your heart? It’s so corny. Yeah. Mothra vs. Godzilla is also great. Mothra looks like a very bad Arabian carpet that was imported through customs and it got delivered by FedEx completely ruined and then laid outside for like four weeks in the rain.

‘Godzilla vs. Biollante’ (ゴジラvsビオランテ, 1989).

What is the first film you remember seeing in a cinema? Bambi. I was six years old, yeah.

And is there a film you have fond memories of watching with your family—a movie that became a family favorite? Not, like, a family favorite because our opinions were too diverse for that, but the next movie that became very important to me when I was a little older was Saturday Night Fever. I thought the soundtrack was, like, groundbreaking, mind-blowingly insane. It’s not necessarily those three massive beats of the Bee Gees on there, but all these other really alternative, left-field tracks by bands like Kool & the Gang. And the way that that darker disco music played against that really dark movie about what it’s like to live in New York and become a competitive dancer, it’s incredible. And still, today, it’s one of the movies where film music and the film itself had so much impact on me, even though it’s not a traditional film score in that sense. It’s incredible.

What is the film that made you want to work in movies, given that you also have a whole musical career separate from movies? (Enjoy Junkie XL’s early 2000s remix of Elvis Presley’s ‘A Little Less Conversation’.) For me, the move from a traditional artist into film scoring was a very slow gradual process. There’s not one movie that pushed me over the cliff. It’s just, like, all the great movies that were made. And I still have a list of obscure movies, classic movies that I need to see.

Yesterday I saw the weirdest of all, but I do want to share this: the original, uncut R-rated version of Caligula, [from] 1979. He [director Tinto Brass] was notoriously brutal and he organized orgies and had terrible torturing techniques. But it’s really weird, there’s Shakespearean actors in there, and then it goes to full-on porn sections. It’s really weird. The music is incredible. You can find it online. You will not find it anywhere [else]. I can just imagine what this must have felt like in 1979 when the film came out. Suspiria, that’s another one. It’s just like, how weird was that thing?

What is your favorite blockbuster that you did not compose? Ben-Hur. I’ve seen that one at least 20 times.

What’s your all-time comfort re-watch? The movie I’ve seen the most is Blade Runner. It’s just, like, it’s a nice world you’re stepping into, that fantasy. It’s not necessarily because I have memories [of] that movie that brings me back to a certain time period, it’s not that. It’s just that I just love to dwell in it. It feels a little bit like coming home. You can use it as comfort food, you can use it as, “I’m not feeling anything today”, or the opposite. You feel very great and you feel very inspired and it’s like, “Oh, let’s go home and watch that movie again.”

Terrence Malick’s ‘The Thin Red Line’ (1998).

Hans Zimmer has been an important mentor to you. Do you have a favorite of his scores? Yes, The Thin Red Line. It’s also the filmmaking of Terrence Malick—he forces a composer to think a certain way. He would always say, “It’s too much, make it less, make it smaller, make it this, make it that.” So, A, it’s a very good movie and B, he got Hans into the right place and Hans just over-delivered by doing exactly the right things at the right time and then shining just because of that.

Who is a composer that you have your eye on and what is one of their films that we should watch next? It’s so sad to say, but I mean, let’s call it like a retrospective discovery if you will. I’m so sad that we lost Jóhann Jóhannsson. He was a composer I felt really close to. We started roughly in the same time period making our way in today’s world. Also, Jóhann came from an artist background, even though it was a modern classical background. He made really great records, great experimentation with electronic elements, with classical instruments, and the mix between the two of them—very original way of looking at music. With Denis Villeneuve as his partner in crime the movies that they did were just mind-boggling good, whether it was Sicario or Arrival or Prisoners, and his voice will truly be missed among film composers. So people that are not super familiar with his work, I would definitely check it out.

‘Turks Fruit’ (Turkish Delight, 1973).

What is a must-see Dutch film that we should add to our watchlists? Holland has small cinema, but it has a really rich cinema and a very serious cinema culture. Usually because there’s not enough work in film, people are serious stage performers but then they also act in movies so they understand both really well. And we’ve delivered. There’s a string of actors that make their way to Hollywood or star in well-known series, whether it’s like Game of Thrones, or what we just talked about, Blade Runner. Many directors like Paul Verhoeven, Jan de Bont, the cameraman.

And so a movie that I’d like to pick is an old movie, called Turks Fruit (Turkish Delight) from the 1970s. Rutger Hauer is a younger guy, like, this completely irresponsible guy that starts this relationship with a really beautiful young girl, and they do all these crazy things, they do a lot of drugs and they have a lot of sex. He’s just like a bad influence on her.

Then he finds out she [has] cancer and it’s terminal. And to see him deal with that, and to see him want a change, but also in that change he does a lot of bad stuff at the same time… It was a sensational movie when it came out. And it actually was directed by Paul Verhoeven, one of his earlier films. When you see it, you’re just like, ‘Why am I watching this?’ for the first 45 minutes and then it starts and it’s like, ‘whoa’. So it’s really good, even in retrospect.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in ‘Grease’ (1978).

What is the sexiest film you’ve ever seen? When I was super young, it was definitely Grease, with Olivia Newton-John, when she was in her catsuit at the very end of it. I had her picture on my bedroom, above my bed sideways because I was only like ten years old or something. I was so in love with Olivia Newton-John. It wasn’t the film per se, it was her. Yeah, I find, personally, movies from the ’70s to be more sexy, but it has something to do with the super-loose way that people were dressed and people were behaving.

And the other one was later in life: Basic Instinct. Sharon Stone. I’m not talking about like the famous shot, right, where she crosses her legs. I’m not talking about that, but the way that she acts throughout the whole movie. It’s insane. It’s really great.

Are there any films that have scared you? Like, truly terrified you? Yeah, I’m not a big fan because I get sucked up too much in it. The found [footage] horror movies like Paranormal Activity and things like the Japanese version of The Grudge, I cannot watch that stuff. That gets me too much. Because when I watch a film, I cannot watch it with one eye half open, the other one closed, like, ‘Okay, kind of cool, interesting’. I just get sucked into it.

Is there a film that has made you cry like no other? Oh yeah. Multiple. Once Upon a Time in America. The Godfather. Hable con Ella (Talk to Her). Betty Blue.

Thomas Holkenborg, AKA Junkie XL.

These are the films that make you weep? Not like on a regular basis, but I remember those were the ones that I really got hit. I’m talking particularly about the third Godfather. That whole end scene when they get out of the church and then… It’s really well-acted. So many Godfather fans that were dismissive of the film when it came out, in retrospect, ten, fifteen, 20 years later, are like, ‘it’s a really good film’. And I actually think so.

Final question. Is there a film from the past year that you would recommend, that you’ve loved? [Long pause.] The thing is that I watch pretty much a movie a day. So, that’s like three to four hundred movies. It [has] happened so often that I watch a film and then I’m just like an hour and 45 minutes in, it’s like, ‘wait, fuck, I’ve seen this thing before’.

So, we have an app for that… [Laughs.]

Related content

Junkie XL’s Letterboxd Life in Film list

Freddie Baker’s review of Justice League

Dutch Cinema: Danielle’s extensive list of more than 2,000 films

Letterboxd Showdown: The Perfect Score (best film scores)

The official Junkie XL Reverb Shop

Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

[h-e-l-l-b-r-o-k-e]

Galapogos [B. Hargrove x you]

Summary: Billy’s temper always causes him problems, but luckily he has Max to talk just a bit of sense into him.

Inspiration: Galapogos by The Smashing Pumpkins & Lost Stars by Adam Levine (Begin Again Soundtrack)

Word Count: 2875  Warnings: profanity, angst, and mentions of abuse.

Written Date: 07/20-22/2019    Posted Date: 7/23/2019  

[PART 1]< >[PART 2]

Billy hadn’t meant to push you.

It wasn’t your fault your ex-boyfriend David had started hiding a liquor flask inside of his varsity jacket because he hated the presence of the new girl who clung to his bicep. It wasn’t your fault David the Douche couldn’t hold his alcohol and wanted you back. It wasn’t your fault that he had chosen the school parking lot to stumble into an already irritated Billy who had just minutes to pick up Max and get home because Mr. Hargrove had already gotten on his case the evening before.

You weren’t supposed to be there. Just hours ago in the blue Camaro with a half-eaten sandwich on your lap, you’d told Billy you had plans with your yearbook classmates. Something about a new comedy film down at the theater that everyone’s been psyched to see. Billy’s never been too good at remembering certain details. Either way, after everything he has been through, Billy should have known that plans never go as planned.

He hadn’t meant to push you. Especially not in front of the entire student body.

But, there you had been in your new skirt, now tainted with black stains from the new cement Hawkins had promised with that tax raise, with tears threatening to spill down your doe eyes. The pang in his chest tells him that you’ll never wear that skirt again, not without freshening the sting in your scraped palms or the incessant pounding just beneath your rib cage.

And yet, he couldn’t bare to see the familiarity of hate finally poison the only form of comfort and affection he’s had since his mother left him or keep up his appearance by finishing the fight your stupid ex-boyfriend had started.

Billy cannot remember the space of time between then and the vibrations through the cool leather under his thighs as the Camaro roared out of there. Out of everyone’s accusing eyes—even the piece of shit Tommy H. had nothing to say. And as he sits on his unruly bed with his head in his hands, Billy cannot even tell what’s worst: the fact that he ran away with his tail between his legs or the fact that he left behind the only girl he’d ever taken seriously.

The sound of skateboard wheels aggressively running over cracks and bumps in the pavement go through one ear and out the other—there’s no room in Billy’s loud head for the outside world to settle. Not the creaks from the stubborn doorknob. Not the slamming of the front door nor the stomping of size five Keds as they approach his bedroom.

Everything is dead to him until the thirteen-year-old he barely tolerates stands at his doorway with her hands on her waist and a scowl on her freckled face.

“What?”

Billy’s dirty blond locks hang over his face in the fashion of a veil as his hands act like a mask. He hasn’t looked up from his position on the bed nor has his favorite mirror caught a glimpse of his vanity. He’s avoiding the very face he was gifted, afraid to finally see the monster that had frightened you.

“Do you have brain damage or something?” Max’s voice is too loud compared to the silence that’s embraced him for the past ten minutes. “You were supposed to pick me up, and don’t dare try to say I was late—”

“Leave me alone.” His voice is muffled.

Max’s blue eyes scrutinize Billy’s pathetic form. His hair’s a mess and she can tell he hasn’t lifted a single weight since he got home—the faded jean jacket still hangs off his broad shoulders. Her next set of words are far more gentler, yet still carries the same edge: “Did somebody die?”

“No.” His shoulders slump just a bit lower. “Go play with your stupid dolls. I don’t care.”

“Ew, you know I don’t touch that shit.”

Billy’s hands smooth down his warm face, and she sees it. The sensitive skin around his eyes are tinged red. “Go away,” he waves her away as he digs for a stray cigarette in his pocket.

His trembling fingers manage to grasp the tip of the cigarette he knew he had hid and shoves it between his lips, suckling on the dry stick as if he were dying of thirst. And before he even knows it, he’s patting himself down for a lighter.

As the trusty lighter remains incognito, the feeling of ants crawling over his taut muscles amplifies. Then he remembers, there’s a shitty spare in his bedside drawer under some wrinkled school assignments marked with grades his father wouldn’t approve of. But as he shakes, flicking the flint wheel over and over again hoping for just a spark, he remembers he never went down to the liquor store to refill its fluids.

“Fuck!” Max flinches as the cheap plastic crashes against the wall wisps away from her head. “What the hell?!”

“Shit…” Billy collapses against his bed in tune with the breath in his lungs. “Sorry.”

Max faces her dirty tennis shoes, sucking on her bottom lip as a million scenarios in which how her step-brother could have fucked up past through her mind. Every sweeping thought involved you somehow, and she actually kind of liked you.

“Go find her.”

The ceiling stares down on him, every groove and every indent. Good thing plaster and paint don’t have a conscience to judge him, despite always being the witness of Billy at his worst.

“What?” Billy’s not sure he heard right, especially when Max never meddles in his business.

A Ked nears his bed in a tentative step forward. “Go fix whatever happened.”

The lines embedded in his forehead loosen up like the curls that frame his face. All anyone ever does is automatically point the finger at him. It started with his father until even Billy started to believe that maybe he was the fuck-up his father said he’d always be.

“Prove to her that everyone in this shithole is wrong about you,” Max keeps her gaze settled on him, watching for any sort of cautionary reaction, “or whatever.”

Billy takes a deep breath. “Why should I listen to you?” he scoffs, “You’re thirteen.”

If there’s anything that Max knows about her step-brother is his loose temper. Living under the same roof as him taught her that Neil had long since snapped the leather of Billy’s leash in half, despite the older man pretending it was the fault of the dog’s breed rather than his own treatment of it.

Her legs are ready to run to her room, but her feet have found the courage to stand on the stained carpet. Max swallows some of her insecurities, “Because you’re scared.”

Besides you, Max is the only other person who can read and solve him like a simple math equation. It’s the only thing you two have in common, and it’s irritating as fuck.

Blue eyes snap to her for a moment as his shoulders straighten. “Hey! I’m not scared,” but then his eyes trail to the bikini-chick poster taped to his closet door and the energy keeping his frustration together disintegrates. “I have to babysit you, brat. There’s a difference.”

“You can.” A sigh leaves her chapped lips when Billy gives her a confused look. “I’ll call Neil, tell him I asked you to take me to the arcade. Not a big deal.”

It takes a moment before the lubrication reaches the rusty gears in his brain. He sits up and runs a hand through his locks. It’s not like he’s never gone behind his father’s back. “Where are you actually going?”

Max shrugs, “None of your business.”

 ~

The drive there is only possible due to muscle memory, an acquired reflex after driving down this familiar neighborhood so many times while all his senses have been locked on you. Complex guitar-solos screeching through the speakers, yet your sweet-as-honey voice always managing to seep through the noise. His hand reaching out to where it belongs—on the flesh of your thigh. Girly-scented shampoo invading his nostrils as your lips focused on his neck. Half-lidded eyes painting murals across the windshield, of your bedroom, ruffled sheets, and how he wanted to ravage you.

Except now, his sweaty palms cling to the steering wheel as the road ahead looks the same as the school’s parking lot—smooth, with a seal-coat. His favorite metal tunes for the evening is the gasp that left your lips when you hit the ground. The scent of your shampoo is replaced by David’s breath, reeking of cheap whiskey as he purposely bumped shoulders. His artistic eye tries to imagine a chance to win you back, but all he gets is hacked images of your locked front door.

The only thing that isn’t different is the fact that the rules of the road only ever came second to Billy’s mood. Third, after he met you.

When he’d first found out they were moving to buttfuck Indiana, he thought his life was for sure over. Or, at least the beginning of a count-down until his eighteen birthday when he’d be legally free to move back to California. When they’d finally arrived at Hawkins, it was even worse than anything his mind had conjured. It smelled like manure and the girls had nothing on Californian babes.

The town only became a little bit more tolerable once he beat his only competition, Steve Harrington, and was crowned the new king of Hawkins High. But, even then, livestock droppings still wafted in the air and the girls he had one night stands with resembled cows to the point that he was having sex with his eyes closed for the first time in his life.

That is until he bumped into you months into the fall semester.

You had been carrying one of the expensive cameras that belonged to the school, walking as you inspected the piece crafted by Greek gods themselves. In the seconds you had collided with a hard body, you were sure you’d have to kiss goodbye your monthly allowance for the heartbreak that was just about to happen.

The camera never made impact with the linoleum. Instead, it was nestled in the palms of the new kid you had vowed to never interact with. Especially not when the stories you’ve heard around school said that he was just a replica in spirit of your cheating ex-boyfriend. But you had snorted out of disbelief, and the hideous sound out of your bare lips had been enough to capture Billy Hargrove’s interest.

Soon, the promise of never giving another badboy the time of day was snipped with a pair of scissors as you found yourself in his passenger seat, glancing out of the window with a fresh coat of mascara on your virgin eyelashes. Him being new to the town, he had no idea where to take you for your first date together. Benny’s diner had been the destination. Bless his heart.

The standard date had awkward pauses, and even more awkward jokes from Billy’s end. French fries were shared and your fingers kept brushing together like a magnetic pull. You had been sure at the moment that it had to have been the attraction between the rings on his fingers and the ones on yours. It wasn’t the gleam in his bedroom eyes nor the inviting scent of his cologne nor the smooth skin that was revealed by a couple of loose buttons.

When he dropped you off in front of your house, he had admitted that those corny jokes were in hopes to hear that ugly snort one more time. Offense had turned to flattery when he poked his head out the driver’s side window and asked you out on another date for the following day.

You cannot believe you had fallen victim to his charm. A spell the heartbreak over David had taught you to avoid. But, you felt worse knowing that most of the shedding tears are for the death of what was the best you had felt in months. You have had first-hand experience of learning that rollercoasters are not escalators, yet you fooled yourself anyway.

You had thought that expressing loving attention was enough to extinguish a firecracker that’s ready to explode on the Fourth of July. Who knew you’re arrogant enough to think that you possessed that sort of power over anyone, especially a rough-around-the-edges type of boy like Billy. A boy who clearly needs a damn therapist instead of some soft teenage girl with an ugly laugh who’s capable of whispering sweet things into his awaiting ear during sex.

You don’t know how long you’ve been under the comforter with a teddy bear clutched in your arms, staring at your reflection from the floor-mirror in the corner of your room.

Your parents are currently away for their anniversary in some tropical island, sipping on margaritas, while your brother has yet to show his face in this fortress. The telephone has been ringing on and off since Nancy Wheeler had offered you a ride home.

Riding with Nancy was the safest bet. She’s nice, knows when to keep quiet, and doesn’t know you enough to bombard you with questions. Unlike your best friend, who without a doubt always has your best interest in mind, but is too comfortable to give you enough space to mourn. Judilyn talks more than she listens, and you know that half those calls are from her just to tell you about how sorry Billy will be once she gets her hands on him.

You know you should be begging God to turn back time, for another opportunity to change the outcome. You would have been paying attention to where you were going; you wouldn’t have invited him into your little world with your laugh. And you definitely would have kept your arms securely crossed over your chest as the only shield you had against cupid’s arrow.

But, you aren’t. Because despite the shove that sent you sprawling on the cement and the scowl on his face that was so deeply rooted in hate, you’re still madly in love with him. The boy who offers you his jackets when you’re shivering in the howling winds of night. The boy who combs his fingers through your tresses as your naked chests rest as one. The boy who doesn’t care that you don’t try to hide the slight bags beneath your eyes nor any blemishes on your skin you may be battling for the week. The boy who wanted you to express your flawed laugh when, previously, David would have made fun of you for it. The boy who who throughout it all, had been trying his best to show you just how beautiful you, the yearbook girl who hides behind the camera, really are.

 ~

You don’t realize you’d fallen asleep until there’s a couple of suspicious sounds outside your window.

The sun casts a golden hue across the sky, seeping into your second-story bedroom and stretching out the shadows of your furniture. You don’t care for the picturesque beauty at the moment; all you want to do is tell Judilyn, who sometimes climbs up your window when you’re ignoring her, to leave you in peace.

The comforter slides off your shoulders as your feet sink into the plush carpet. You’re still in your ruined skirt and the scuffs on your palms haven’t been washed yet, but that has yet to cross your mind from your sleep-roused state.

You slide the window open with every attempt to send your best friend away. “Judy, I thought I made it clear I want to be left a—!”

His mullet shows up first before his glazed cerulean eyes. His cocky voice is nothing but a whisper: “Hey.”

To be continued.

A/N: So, this is the first Stranger Things fic I’ve ever written! I feel pretty accomplished. Let me know what y’all think. I’m down to do more, especially since I’m so mad by what happened to Billy. I can’t promise I’ll be quick because I’m currently balancing a work-heavy summer course, a job, and my own novel.

[purplesurveys]

1040

survey by amandahudson48

When's the last time you said you were sorry? Maybe last Friday or yesterday? I haven’t been replying to Andi because I was in a slump, then when I was finally able to get back to them I made sure to apologize first and explain why it took me a while to respond.

Have you done anything interesting in the last week? I got to dine in at a restaurant again after nine months last Monday, and I brought my parents to treat them as well. The three of us had ramen, then I also treated them to frozen yogurt after. It felt nice to be out, but we also headed to a mall Gab and I used to regularly go to so everything ended up being too difficult to process and I was fighting tears the whole time at the ramen place.

Are there any songs you listen to everyday? I don’t think so. There have been a lot of days where I’ve avoided music altogether.

What do you consider a waste of time? Having to manually go to a government office nowhere near your house to queue for an ID or document when it could be done digitally, but you can’t and have no choice anyway because the agency’s website isn’t even working. In short, welcome to the Philippines where the government can steal billions but can’t maintain their own damn websites.

How do you react to stress? I tend to have a shorter fuse around people. So that I don’t accidentally lash out on anyone, I’ll bring myself to work on autopilot until I get a task done. If I find time to myself, I cry in private for a few minutes because stress sucks; then I try to dust myself off and get back to working.

Have you ever considered what you would do in certain life/death sitches? Sometimes. My game plan for the most part is to simply scream at the top of my lungs to rouse attention, but I’ll never really know what I’ll do unless something actually takes place. I have a track record of being scared frozen when scary men have approached me in the past, so idk if I will have it in me to scream in a life or death situation.

Have you ever gone mud riding? No. Photos don’t look too appealing mostly because I’m not into vehicles and driving them on unconventional terrain lol, but I mean I would still give it a shot at least once.

Do you edit your photos? Just sometimes, if I mean to show off or promote someone/something to my mutuals; like the time I promoted my uncle’s business when he gave me a free cheesecake. I usually use the VSCO or Foodie apps.

What kind of cookie do you like the most? Chocolate chip cookies that are crispy on the outside and gooey inside; and dark chocolate macadamia cookies.

Do you enjoy working alone? Sure, though I don’t mind the occasional groupwork.

Is there anyone you're not over and feel like you never will be? Yes, I’m in exactly the same place I found myself at five years ago.

Do you like long or short surveys? Medium-length, so like anywhere between 40-70 questions is the perfect length for me.

How often do you listen to your iPod? I used to listen to it everyday because I brought it with me throughout middle school and the first half of high school. When iPods slowly went out of style in junior year, I started using it less frequently.

What kind of house do you want? Something modern and minimalist; I’d like it to be predominantly rectangular or square in shape with large windows. I do also want a brutalist style for myself but I might have to give that up if I ever end up with a family, as I don’t want my kids thinking their own home looks aloof and unapproachable.

Would you like living on the coast? It sounds like paradise. Yeah, absolutely.

What song was the last you listened to? To Let A Good Thing Die - Bruno Major. Then I got really sad and had to stop listening to music altogether and scramble to watch something hilarious on YouTube.

When's the last time you were really late to something? Last week, for a meeting with a client :/ I wasn’t accustomed to my weekly calls just yet and ended up attending a 4:30-5 PM meeting at 4:57, right when it was ending, because I thought it started at 5. It was embarrassing and my manager was rightfully jokingly mad at me.

Do you prefer to take back roads or the highways? Highways as much as possible, but if I’m stuck in traffic and if it looks like I wouldn’t be able to get to my destination on time then I ask Waze to guide me through backroads.

How do you spell your name without consonants? Rbyn or Rbn, depending on what you consider y to be.

What's the last movie you watched? Uhhh it was still That Thing Called Tadhana but it’s been a while. I mainly watch a Korean drama titled Start Up these days.

What would you like your generation to change? The people society votes into office. Young Americans seem to be leading the charge on this front, which is so so great. Meanwhile in my country Manny Pacquiao is planning for his 2022 presidential campaign and we are once again fucked because voter’s literacy is so fucking low that I actually see a possibility of him winning. Migrating has never sounded more attractive.

Do you use your cell phone a lot? Yeah, it’s beside me with the screen turned on nearly the entire day.

When's the last time you saw an ocean wave? Not sure about an ocean wave, but the last time I saw a wave in general (we were at a beach) was August 2019.

How long can you hold your breath? Maybe a minute max? I haven’t had to try in a while.

Would you rather work behind the scenes or be the star? Behind the scenes. I loathe the spotlight and I’ve never been the performing type, and I always hated it whenever I’ve had to perform in school or for a family function. It’s also why, as fun as hosting looks like as a career, and as much as I know I would’ve been decent in it if I tried, it was just ultimately never the path for me.

Are you a sore loser? Yeah, I hate it. I’m competitive to the bone, which personally sucks too because it’s hard for me to enjoy games lol. I make it easier for the playing crowd by just watching at the sidelines so that I don’t ruin things for them.

When's the last time you used a pair of scissors? Yesterday when I was doing embroidery.

What was the last word you thought? I mean...’embroidery,’ I guess, since I typed it last before reading this question.

Is it easy to make you angry? It takes me a while to explode.

Have you wondered if other people wonder what you’re thinking? No.

Do you sing a lot? When I’m alone and am certain no one can hear, yes.

Do you think you have an addictive personality? Uh no, not really. I like keeping a certain distance with everyone I interact with. As nice as I can be, I try to make sure my personality isn’t the type that would ~leave people wanting more~ so to speak.

Which affects us more: our genes or the environment in which we're raised? For me, it’s the environment. Genes are strong too, but they’re already there; they’re given, they’re constant, they’re wired into each person. The fact that people can still be constantly affected depending on what kind of situation they’re in says much about the capabilities of being raised in a certain environment. For instance, I know for sure I would’ve ended up being more emotionally stable if I was provided with a healthier, gentler upbringing.

Why do you believe that? Oops, I may have already answered it above.

Honestly, do you enjoy arguing? Nah. Watching others do it can be fun, but I avoid them myself.

Do you prefer to use tape or glue? Tape. More secure.

Do you see routine as a comfort or a rut? Comfort. I do like bursts of spontaneity every now and then, though.

When's the last time you cried? Last night. I wanted to this morning, but I already did so much heavy crying last night that I just gave myself a break today.

Do you believe that love can get you through anything? No. I know that now.

What do you wish you had more of? Money is always a good answer. Also, weekends.

If you HAD to change one thing about your best friend, what would it be? I wish Angela lived nearer, so that it’s easier to visit. I wish Gabie wasn’t so selfish.

Have you ever gone to sleep mad? It’s harder that way, lol. But I mean yeah I guess I’ve felt angry while trying to go to bed; it’s just that I usually use certain outlets so that I could calm down and fall asleep more easily.

Do you like your computer? I love it. Even though it’s an older Macbook Air I have no plans to replace it; it’s still so low-maintenance and reliable after all this time.

Which theory do you wish but perhaps not believe was true about afterlife? This is a good question and something I always wish was verbalized more. For me, it’s the idea of reuniting with all your deceased family, friends, and pets in death. That has always given me comfort, but I don’t necessarily cling to it.

Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? I can think of one such person, but we’ll see if it holds true.

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[andyquhyn]

prompt list #4 (spotify version)

(based on my top 2019 songs from spotify, can be used as dialogue or just as ideas! also please don’t roast be about my songs rip)

Make It Alright by WILD: “Whatever we can get through is what makes us survive.”

Good Nights (feat. Mascolo) by Whethan: “We were perfect as fuck, making dreams about our lives up in the stars.”

Burn The House Down by AJR: “Way up, way up, oh no, we gon’ burn the whole house down.”

Only Got Eyes For Her by Ezra Jordan: “I’m going out my mind, thinking ’bout the one I should’ve never left behind.”

Passenget Seat (feat. Kora) by Clueless Kit: “You know this is who we are, this is what we do, driving in circles til’ we find something new, the only person I enjoy sitting in the car with is you.”

seasonal depression by mxmtoon: “We’re all just trying to get by, searching desperately for bits of blue in the sky.”

There’s Still A Light In The House by Valley: “When she crash, she brings a storm in, I kinda like the way it pours.”

RUNAWAY by half·alive: “I find that everything I am is everything I should be, I don't need to run away.”

Choke by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME: “If I could burn this town, I wouldn’t hesitate, to smile while you suffocate and die.”

Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier: “Be still my foolish heart, don’t ruin this on me.”

Happy Man by Jungle: “It all could be different, time to do something new, I’ve given everything, I want to be a happy man too.”

Not What I Meant (feat. Lewis Watson) by dodie: “Will I have grown a little empire, or made a fucking mess?”

Be Mine by Ofenbach: “And if you wanna fight, let’s start the show, ’cause I want you to be mine.”

Sanctuary by Joji: “Not anyone, you’re the one, more than fun, you’re the sanctuary.”

Casio by Jungle: “When all your dreams are gone, and you’re still holding on, you waited far too long.”

Wildflower by Dutchkid: “I never knew that I could love like this.”

Arms Unfolding by dodie: “But here I am with arms unfolding, I guess it isn‘t quite the end, oh, partner in crime, I’m going to try to fall in love with you again.”

Preacher Man by The Driver Era: “I’m ashamed of the dark places I have been, fix my soul so I don’t lose a love again.”

prom dress by mxmtoon: “I keep collections of masks upon my wall, to try and stop myself from revealing it all.” 

Blame It on Me by George Ezra: “When I dance alone, and the sun’s bleeding down, blame it on me.”

Surround Me by LÉON: “Baby take me outside, kiss me in the moonlight.”

Work by Charlotte Day Wilson: “’Cause people come and go, but I think you should know, that I think this will work.”

Glory by The Score: “I’ll be written in the stars.”

Take Me With You by Wingtip: “Our hearts don’t break, they just rearrange.”

Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel: “You're the only one worth seeing, the only place worth being.”

Runaway Kids by HARBOUR: “We’re the runaway kids, let’s escape, we’ll get there some day.”

Monster by dodie: “Two ugly creatures, two sinister preachers, blind to the past, like a couple of monsters.”

Runaway Goliath by Mantaraybryn: “Are you just gonna stay in the shade when you were made for light?”

HandClap by Fitz and The Tantrums: “You’re like a drug to me, a luxury, my sugar and gold, I want the good life, every good night, you’re a hard one to hold.”

Swim by Valley: “Swim with me, get to someplace better, I’ll be waiting on you forever.”

home ft WALK THE MOON by morgxn: “I’m going back home to the place where I belong, there’s nothing like it.”

arrow by half·alive: “I know that I can’t run forever, but I can’t stand still for too long, this heart is afraid to beat slowly.”

NASA’S Fake by Raffaella: “Jesus Christ, gimme a break, is there a pill I can take?”

Better Not (with Wafia) by Louis The Child: “You know it in your gut you’re healing, from every time that you’ve been hurt before.”

Side Effects by The Chainsmokers: “It’s 4AM, I don’t know where to go, everywhere is closed, I should just go home, my feet are taking me to your front door, I know I shouldn’t though, heaven only knows.”

All My Friends (feat. Tinashe & Chance the Rapper) by Snakehips: “My eyes are black and red, I’m crawling back to your bed.”

So Close by NOTD, Felix Jaehn & Captain Cuts feat. Georgia Ku: “Have you ever wondered if you loved me harder, where we’d be now?”

I’m Good by Wafia: “Finally got back everything I gave to you, every part of me that I left in your room, now I really don’t care what you do, or who you do it with, I really don't care, I think I just quit.”

dream of you by mxmtoon: “I had a dream about you last night, and you said your last goodbye, I woke up to wipe my tears, although I said I’d never cry.”

Colder Shoulders by Gabe Fleck: “I can’t hide from what is destined for me.”

Last Dance by Rhys: “Oh if all we ever had was an illusion, and if we gave it every chance.”

Send Them Off! - Whethan Remix by Bastille & Whethan: “I’ve got demons running round in my head, and they feed on insecurities I have.”

Bad Days by Chance Peña: “All I know is the weight on my shoulder won’t hold me down.”

Crimes by Gallant: “And honestly I can’t keep overlookin' all your crimes.”

Check It Out by Oh The Larceny: “I’m gonna light it up.”

It Ain’t Wrong Loving You by HONNE: “Don’t care what they say, I will have my way, ’cause it ain't wrong loving you.”

wish you were gay by Billie Eilish: “I can’t tell you how much I wish I didn’t wanna stay.”

my ted talk by mxmtoon: “I’m fooling myself over something I don't know.”

Never Been In Love by Will Jay: “I’ve never been in love, and it’s all good.”

I Believe in Us by WILD: “Don’t think about the fear that much, we’re gonna be alright.”

Pure Gold by half·alive: “Wait, for the tides of change will come.”

blame game by mxmtoon: “I put my heart into us, and I was the one to crack it in two.”

Genesis by Daniela Andrade: “But first I gotta let go of the things I tried to be.”

Save Me From Myself (with NoMBe & Big Gigantic) by Louis The Child: “So won’t you save me from myself right now, right now, ’cause I feel like someone else, somehow.”

You And I by LÉON: “But in my head, oh, you say, say you still want it, that you’re done with being lonely now.”

Blue Hundreds by Holy Mattress Money: “What’s electric more than two lovers?”

I Like (the idea of) You by Tessa Violet: “I like the idea of you, wonder how it’d be to love you.”

Green by Cavetown: “I hope you feel happy, that’s all I want.”

Superlove (feat. Oh Wonder) by Whethan: “I’ve been looking at your face, it’s dangerous, making me so goddamn crazy.”

She by dodie: “I;d never tell, no, I’d never say a word, and oh, it aches, but it feels oddly good to hurt.”

Debbie by Your Smith: “What did you get me into? This always happens when I listen to you.”

Prophet by King Princess: “I can only think about you, and what it’s like to walk around you.”

Tell Me by Spencer Sutherland: “Tell me where your heart lies, and I know where your heart lies.”

Juice by Lizzo: “It ain’t my fault that I'm out here makin’ news.”

If I’m Being Honest by dodie: “Could you love this? Will this one be right?”

mime by Isaac Dunbar: “And now all I’ve got is broken bones and cheap skin to hold me.”

Maybe by half·alive: “Realize I’m at war in my own mind.”

Alps by Novo Amor & Ed Tullett: “I would break every inch of my love.”

Waiting for You by The Aces: “It’s getting frustrating waiting for you, I think you know what I want.”

Your Voice by Moira & Claire: “Your voice keeps playing inside my head like a song I can't get out.”

From Eden by Hozier: “Babe, there’s something tragic about you.”

Beige by Yoke Lore: “Let me go under your skin, and let me find the demon that drives those heavenly limbs.”

still feel. by half·alive: “Trying to recognize myself when I feel I’ve been replaced.”

Someone That Loves You by HONNE & Izzy Bizu: “Whoever said it was easy must have had it pretty good.”

Find Someone by A R I Z O N A: “Picking wings off of angels has always been my religion.”

Do It All The Time by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME: “We’re taking over the world, a little victimless crime.”

Sick in the Head by Jackson Penn: “My love for you is deeper than the ocean.”

Boys by Lizzo: “Baby, I don’t need you, I just wanna freak you.”

bad guy by Billie Eilish: “Bruises, on both my knees for you.”

CAN’T GET OVER YOU (feat. Clams Casino) by Joji: I can’t get over you, and before I die I pray that I could be the one.”

Rather Be (feat. Jess Glynne) by Clean Bandit: “But as long as you are with me, there's no place I’d rather be.”

Chateau - Acoustic by Angus & Julia Stone: “Don't be scared of what you don't already know.”

Blue by Samuel Larson: “We swear that this is love, but we keep feeling smaller.”

Boys Like You by dodie: “You thought you could charm me, and, damn it, you’re right.”

Cherry Wine by Hozier: “Open hand or closed fist would be fine, the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.”

Wait by NoMBe: “Let’s make it last forever, ’cause the night’s still young.”

Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart: “Been talking about the way things change.”

Human by dodie: “Will you share your soul with me?”

Dinner & Diatribes by Hozier: “That’s the kind of love I’ve been dreaming of.”

Show Me The Way by Penguin Prison: “I’ve never been anyone that I want.”

The Fall by half·alive: “I’d jump off and into your arms, but if I can’t trust the fall.”

I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers: “So now I’m standing on the overpass screaming at the cars, hey, I wanna get better!”

Work Song by Hozier: “No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her.”

Talk Too Much by COIN: “Honey, come put your lips on mine and shut me up.”

Low by JR JR: “All the looks are saying, nothing in life is free.”

What You Know by Two Door Cinema Club: “I can tell just what you want, you don’t want to be alone.”

Burned Out by dodie: “I am burnt out, I smell of smoke.”

California by The Lagoons: “I’ve been on the run, just to get a moment with you.”

Radar (feat. HONNE) by Whethan: “Tight on my grip and I won’t let you slip away.”

ok ok? by half·alive: “Felt it rippin’ me apart, to find my place among the stars.”

[meshkol-creations]

Day 23 of Kinktober 2019: Corset

Tags: corset, slight D/s dynamics

Pairing: Kurtbastian

Notes: Day 23. Er. Oops. I just...really had no inspiration (or time) to get to this unfinished fest, and this small fic was kind of half-finished but the muse was gone so it just sat on my hard-drive for ages. Finally half-heartedly finished it, so I'm not super happy with it, but eh. I'd like to finish this fest at some point, preferably before I move in the next few weeks. Anyway, enjoy this unbeta'd thing.

*

“Okay, so that’s hot.”

Kurt throws Sebastian a look that practically drips with exasperated annoyance, but who can really blame Sebastian really? Kurt Hummel in general is a wet dream itself, but Kurt Hummel in a corset? Yeah, who the fuck can blame him? And it’s pretty too: a silky blue that is fucking gorgeous against his pale skin, black ribbons laced along his lean but muscular back, the waist trimmed with silk lace.

“No, it’s, like, seriously hot,” Sebastian says, and the earnestness he was aiming for is replaced by total awe. “Seriously, majorly hot. When the fuck did you get so hot?”

“I’ve always been this hot,” Kurt says with a truly spectacular eye roll, eyes green from purple and black eye makeup and so fucking pretty that Sebastian kind of wants to die. “It’s not my fault that you were an idiot in high school and didn’t realise this fact.”

He intends to say something along the lines of ‘I’ve always thought you were hot’, which is both accurate and something Sebastian has reiterated constantly since they’ve been doing the whole dating thing as a form of apologetic and genuine reinforcement, but instead what comes out is: “You are so hot.”

Kurt rolls his eyes again. “You’ve seen me in more flattering and revealing outfits, Sebastian, and you’ve also seen me naked. A lot. As in every day for the past year. I have it on good authority that you vastly prefer me without clothes, so why is this breaking your brain?”

Sebastian decisively does not have a good response for that, so instead he gives up on putting on the rest of his Hallowe’en costume so he can drop to his knees, yanking Kurt towards him by his hips and mouthing at the sheer knickers he’s wearing. Seems like an absolute shame that he’s going to be covering these black scraps of lace up with literally anything else; if it was up to Sebastian, Kurt would wear this corset, these knickers, some black stockings with lacy garters, and six-inch heeled boots that will do wonders for his arse and legs. Not that Kurt really needs the help in that area – Sebastian’s slept with an obscene amount of people in his dedicated career in fucking, but no one holds a candle to Kurt Hummel’s arse.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Sebastian mumbles, getting the fabric wet and delighting at the soft moan of surprised arousal Kurt lets out as his prick starts to fatten up against Sebastian’s lips. He’s half-tempted to just yank them down and slip that lovely, delicious prick into his mouth and suck him into full hardness, but he supposes that they do have to leave so they’re not even more late to Jesse St James’s party than they already are.

Which Kurt mentions, albeit breathlessly: “We are already two hours late.”

Sebastian whines in the back of his throat, still mouthing at the stiffening prick through the sheer fabric, and he feels Kurt’s fingers wind into his short hair, just enough grip to physically pull his head away. Sebastian whines again, mouth watering with want, but he still goes pliant in Kurt’s grip, not bothering to conceal his frown of disappointment.

“If you’re good tonight, I’ll fuck you while I’m wearing this corset,” Kurt offers, voice rough and enticing, then continues, “but if you’re bad, I’ll tie you up and get myself off without touching you. Understand?”

Sebastian swallows thickly, nearly blind with arousal, and manages to husk out, “Yes.”

Kurt grins at him, a mischievous and devilish flash of teeth, and then says, “Up you get, pet. We’ve got a party to get to.”

Sebastian groans, but follows Kurt’s order in a daze, already looking forward to his reward.

---

also read on ao3

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis New Year’s Special: Roy Batty

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

There are villains, and there are anti-villains, villains who do evil but who evoke sympathy because while their actions are heinous, their motivations are sympathetic and understandable. And there are few villains in all of cinema and even fewer anti-villains who evoke quite as much sympathy as Roy Batty.

Roy Batty is a Replicant, designed for combat and made to basically be a slave as all Replicants are. And despite all this, Batty merely wants to be free and live his life, and in fact prolong his life as he does not have a lot of time left – Replicants like him only get a few years at most. And so he murders and tortures his way through people who might have the answers he seeks, and yet, despite all this Roy Batty never once stops being sympathetic, he never stops being someone the audience can somewhat empathize with. We condemn his actions, sure, but he always remains a tragic figure.

Despite being ostensibly the villain of the film, Batty manages to have a defined arc that gets just as much attention as Deckard, fully fleshing him out and making him something of a villain protagonist from a certain point of view. In fact, Batty is not just a great villain and a great protagonist – he’s probably one of the greatest characters in all of cinema.

Actor: Phillip K. Dick, author of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, the book Blade Runner is based on, is quoted as saying Rutger Hauer was "the perfect Batty — cold, Aryan, flawless." Batty was designed to be the perfect being, a flawless specimen of man, strong, smart, and driven, and if any man in the 80s exemplified that, it was Hauer. In a career of great performances, this was Hauer’s finest, and most of that comes from him inspiring so much of what we love about eh character, doing little things that wre thrown in because he felt it made Batty more interesting. Of course, the most important thing Hauer did was change Batty’s scripted dying words into something far more poignant and beautiful, but we’ll get to that shortly. If it isn’t clear, this is an absolutely perfect performance.

Motivation/Goals: Batty has a simple goal, but a goal that drives him to desperation: he wants to live. And he wants to live because he can’t bear all of his memories being forgotten, washed away by time and forgotten. He wants to be remembered if nothing else, but he goes to murderous lengths to achieve his goal… though frankly it’s seriously hard not to sympathize with him considering that he’s an escaped slave desperate to leave some mark on the world and live free going up against a cop who is legally allowed to hunt him down and terminate him. I suppose it is part of the point that we should sympathize with him; he’s more human than human, after all.

Personality: It’s actually interesting to note that Batty is well-read, intelligent, charming, and philosophical… which is the opposite of our tough, gritty noir detective protagonist Deckard. Much has been made of Harrison Ford’s, let’s say, “understated” performance in Blade Runner, but frankly I find it to be a deliberate choice to contrast against Batty: we have a machine that is all too human going up against a human who is bland and robotic. It ties in very well thematically with the film.

Final Fate: After spending the climax beating up Deckard and basically going bonkers after the deaths of his lover and friends, Batty regains his composure, saves Deckard’s life, and, well...

Best Scene: ...he dies. But not before he laments on how all the amazing experiences he has had in his short, tragic existence will die with him and end up forgotten. This is one of the most beautiful soliloquies ever put to film, and while I’m not the biggest fan of the film as a whole, I am an enormous fan of Batty and this scene in particular. I tear up every single time I watch this; Hauer’s performance here is so powerful.

Best Quote: As if it could be anything else aside from the “Tears in the Rain” soliloquy: “I've...seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those... moments... will be lost in time, like tears... in... rain. Time... to die...” This quote becomes all the more tragic and poignant as Hauer passed away in 2019, a few months before the month his character died in the 2019 this movie envisioned. It’s a sad, eerie coincidence that only serves to empower these lines even more.

Final Thoughts & Score: Roy Batty is one of the most beautiful and poignant characters in all of cinema. Everything about him is just so appealing on a character level, and it amazes me because he’s really the only part of the movie I love. The rest of it has just never vibed with me even a little bit – but Roy Batty? His struggles are always relatable.

While obviously it’s not likely you’ll know what it’s like to be a slave, it’s pretty common to have that sort of existential dread that Batty has. I know I’ve always feared dying alone and unremembered, all of what I am being forgotten as I fade away. Maybe that’s why Batty resonated with me more than the rest of the film and certainly more than Deckard: you can give me all the gritty cyberpunk noir with Harrison Ford you’d like, but it won’t mean anything if you’re giving me a deeply existential and philosophical cyborg superman desperate to either extend his life which is rapidly burning out or at least somehow preserve his memory so that his existence is not utterly forgotten (this last bit actually makes his casting as the replacement for Master Xehanort all the better; The Nobodies had similar themes, what with their Proof of Existence graveyard and desire to have their hearts returned).

Adding into what makes him so engaging to me is the religious symbolism, something I’m a sucker for. Batty ends up as a strange and complex fusion of both Lucifer and Jesus, descending from the sky to free his people in spite of the wishes of his god-like father. He does resemble many stereotypical depictions of Lucifer, as well. But then we get to the more Jesus-y bits, such as his affinity for doves and the fact he dies with nails through his palms and a dove in his hands. He’s such an interesting Messianic archetype.

Batty is clearly a 10/10. That 10 is pretty much solely for the soliloquy too; if only I had more of an excuse to give him an 11, but sadly Batty hasn’t had the massive impact on popular culture that he deserves, which is a shame. Batty is still a perfect villain regardless, and a perfect character to boot, no bones about it. In the end, while he never succeeded to extend his life, he did end up getting what he wanted on a meta level: Roy Batty, to all who have seen the film, is eternally remembered. His memories are not lost to time like tears in the rain; those memories live on in us. If Batty were real, I hope he would be satisfied that his short life was not in vain. 

I think it says a lot that he doesn’t appear in Blade Runner 2049, and yet... as the film ends and K lies dying, Vangelis’ “Tears in the Rain” plays over him, drawing a direct connection between the dignified, tragic end of Roy Batty and the heroic sacrifice K made to save Deckard and ensure he could finally meet his daughter. Roy doesn’t need to appear at all; just invoking him in spirit is enough to make a scene all the more beautiful and poignant. If that is not the sign of a great character, I’m not exactly sure what is.

[clevercatchphrase]

2019 year in review

So… The 2010’s are almost over. Huh. What a decade it’s been. Hard to comprehend how much has changed in 10 years. I can barely believe that I was in high school at the beginning of this decade, and now I’m a college graduate with 2 degrees who’s been working at the same job for the last 3 years. But trying to summarize the past 10 years in a single post is a good way to give myself an existential crisis, so let’s not do that! Instead, let’s just focus on 2019 because there has been more than enough shit that’s happened to me in this year to talk about.

PART 1 OF 2: 2019 AND 2020 GOALS AND RESOLUTIONS

Huh, looking back through my archives, I apparently didn’t make a tumblr post about my goals this year. I definitely had some, though. Lemme list ‘em off real quick, and then we’ll go through them point by point.

1)      Pay off all my student loans 2)      Finish some song comics 3)      Make art for my Redbubble account 4)      Finish the first rough draft/script of a game I wanted to make 5)      Practice ASL 6)      Sew some stuffed animals 7)      Finish some fan fictions 8)      Work on Ghost Switch 9)      AMVs 10)   Do some original writing 11)   Make illustrations for my fan fictions

Okay, first off, the student loans. I was actually SO CLOSE to successfully completing this one bUT THEN MY CAR HAD TO BE A WHINEY PISS BABY AND HAVE ITS ALTERNATOR DIE ON ME WHILE I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY AND THEN A BLOW OUT THREE WEEKS LATER.

GOD, if I had to summarize this year in two words, for me it would be “Car troubles”. I swear I spent more on auto repair in the first third of this year than I ever have just freakin’ OWNING a car. All four of my tires had to be replaced, my alternator failed and my car literally just SHUT OFF while I was driving, and I was barely able to coast into a gas station. Both my front breaks and rear breaks were worn down the metal and I only learned this when my car was barely able to stop after I had to slam the petal down full force!  I went in for an oil change, and they found some problems and then I didn’t get my car back for three days! I don’t even like owning a car! I hate driving! I hate my country’s refusal to provide universal, free public transportation! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!

Oh-kay… number 2. Finish some song comics. I didn’t finish any. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t work on them. I have made tiny progress, but that’s certainly better than no progress. One of these song comics I hope to be realizes is going to be a collab with one of my friends. It’ll be a long-time coming as it’s pretty low priority for the both of us, but if anyone else out there was disappointed with KH3’s ending, we’re gonna have ya’ covered… With SONG!

3. Make some redbubble art. I actually did this one! Not in the way I expected, but I added (technically) 3 new designs to my redbubble in the middle of the year. If you like butterflies and dragons, I got some product for you~!

Number 4, finish a script for a game I want to make. I… thought about this. I thought about this a lot, but I never put pen to paper, so… oops. It almost happened! I debated making this my main writing project for NaNoWriMo this year, but ended up having more inspiration for another story. Maybe next year? (god, I hope not. I don’t want to wait a full year just to write something)

Number 5, practice ASL. I just straight up didn’t do this and I only have myself to blame. Still keepin’ up that Danish Duolingo streak, though. 4 years going strong and not a day missed yet.

Number 6, sew some stuffed animals. Again, another one I just straight up didn’t do, but I have an excuse of trying to save money while my car crashed and burned in every other sense except literal this year. Hopefully 2020 will be different. I’ll definitely be able to pay off this last loan within the first half of 2020, and then I can start saving for whatever I want to buy.

Finish some fan fictions was number 7, and I did this! Well, I only finished, 1, but it was a story I’ve been working on for over 3 years, and it came out to over 200 THOUSAND words long, which is the longest thing I’ve ever written, and I’m quite proud of myself. Now that the big story is out of the way, and I’ve gotten into a good rhythm of working on Ghost Switch, maybe I can squeeze in some short writing sessions more frequently. (either that, or just wait for my car to break down again and then go on a writing spree in a pepboys. The lord and the fan fic discord know that’s solely why I finished my other fic this year)

Speaking of Ghost Switch, working on it was a goal this year too, and I did that! I kept it up all year and took a vacation in November and it was wonderful. While the major plot points have been in place since before I started drawing, I still need to script each arc beyond Snowdin, but hey, by the time we get there, it’ll be 2022 so I got time. (Note, don’t do this, kids. Script your stories and comics thoroughly before publishing. The road I’m on is paved with misery and pain and it will only end in tears unless I change lanes soon)

Number 9, amvs. Do people make AMVs anymore? Idk… the last one I made was... Jesus, 5 years ago? (it was a gravity falls/fall out boy crossover, if you were curious) I’ve been wanting to do 2 more for just as long, but in order for me to do that, I’d have to spend time re-watching the shows to find the footage, and then actually edit them together, and I just don’t…. feel like it. Maybe someday, but not any day soon.

10; do some original writing. I did this! For nanowrimo! I wrote the first draft of some original fiction I’ve been planning for a year or two now and it completely sucks! But it’s on paper now and I’m happy. Will I revise and edit it? Sure, but not for a while. I want to let it sit and forget about it and look at it with new eyes months from now so I can be sure I can make it better when time comes to rewrite.

11, make illustrations for my fan fics. Now that You Monster is done, I want to go back and add pictures to it. I didn’t do any this year, but I did keep a list of scenes I wanted to draw, so I have plenty of ideas to do as warm up sketches next year~ I kinda want to stream them~

So, that was 11 goals, and I successfully fulfilled 4 of them! That’s! Not a very good ratio… QmQ So, goals for 2020. Some I’m gonna keep from this year, some I’m gonna drop and some I’m gonna add. In short I would like to,

1)      Finish paying off that last student loan 2)      Put more stuff on my redbubble 3)      Illustrate my own fan fics 4)      Sew at least one stuffed animal 5)      Make an enamel pin 6)      Read one new book a month 7)      Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic 8)      Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make 9)      Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch 10)   Boost my patreon

Most of these I think are pretty self-explanitory, but I’ll go into detail just a bit because I’m on a roll and typing my thoughts helps me feel less alone in the middle of the night when you’re super tired and you know you should probably go to sleep, but the toddler in you is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t wanna go to sleep just yet, but you can’t fight the progression of time either way.

Number 1- I should be able to reach this goal by the end of March. End of June at the absolute latest. Once that goal is met, my secret new year’s resolution will be unlocked as well!

Number 2- I want to put more art of my OCs on redbubble. These OCs are tied to the game I want to make. There’s already some art of them up there, but I want at least one piece for each character.

Number 3- Mostly for You Monster. Embrace the cardinal rule of fan fic and apply it to fan art. If you want to read about see art about certain ideas, scenarios, or what-ifs, you gotta make it yourself.

Number 4- I have 3 potential ideas to sew. One is definitely leagues easier than the other two and will probably be chosen if/when I have the time and materials.

Number 5- This year I got really, REALLY into the idea of making enamel pins. Unfortunately it’s a pretty big investment (like, $350 to make 100 pins you  might not even sell). If this happens, it’ll probably be towards the end of the year, and if I get enough interest. I’m currently torn between making an original enamel pin and one based off Undertale. We’ll just have to see where this goes.

Number 6- Back in 2018 when I paid off one of my many student loans, I rewarded myself by spending over 200 dollars in used books. All these books had a theme; they were focused on dragons because I have a problem. I have not yet read a single one of these books I have bought, and I would like to fix that. I have, like, 20 unread dragon books, and even if I only read 12 out of 20, I would consider that an amazing accomplishment and money well spent.

Number 7- I currently have about 8 different WIPs I could work on. (well, I don’t know if I can even call them wips. More like, a general idea and a title written down.) I want to build good writing habits, and if I can write just 200 words a day, hell, even 200 words a week and just one of my 8 stories done, I would consider this goal met.

Number 8- I’m torn between making my game in unity or ren’py. I know jack shit about both. Ren’py is more user friendly, but unity will allow me more customization. (Lol, can you guess what kind of game I want to make yet?)

Number  9- I really just want the full story to be done and written incase anything goes horribly terribly wrong in my life and I find myself unable to continue making ghost switch in comic form. Then at least I can finish the story by other means, you know?

Number 10- It always surprises me every month when I get that patreon email saying I got paid. Sure, I don’t even make double digits on it, but it still awes me enough to know that people out there like my work enough to throw me a tip. I can’t thank my patrons enough for supporting me and I hope to one day be in such a good place I can update my comic/song comics/writing frequently enough without need for goals or milestones. But until that magical day arrives, money is always a great incentive for anything, I suppose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 ALRIGHT. PART 2 OF 2: SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2019

Cheesus crust what a year. This year started off great! Back in late January Kingdom Hearts 3 FINALLY released, and let me tell you a little story. Back in the summer of 2006 I was a 13 year old middle schooler with no way of making money other than by doing house hold chores at a rate of 25 cents a task. A few weeks ago, I had a sleep over at a friend’s house and they let me play this weird game called “Kingdom Hearts” and god, I was instantly hooked on it. That summer, I did over 800 chores, enough to earn myself 200$ and buy myself a playstation 2 (just in time for the ps3 to come out, gg me) The only games I had for the ps2 were KH1, 2, Re:CoM and Okami, and I beat them all… except Okami. Miffed that the PS3 wouldn’t allow for backwards compatibility, little 13-year-old me made a promise. I looked myself in the mirror and said “I will not buy the next playstation console until KH3 comes out, AND BOY that was probably a good choice for me to make with my level of gaming. I’m even less of a casual gamer than the average casual gamer, but I have been waiting 13 years for this piece of closure, and I even told my friends and family that “the day Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out is the day I will buy a playstation 4”. My dad apparently thought this was the funniest shit, because he literally took the day off from work that Friday to drive me on base to get the game and console (he thought it would be less crowded than a regular walmart, I suppose). I paid $400 on a ps4 pro while he bought me the game. Again, I have an impecible sense of timing seeing as the PS5 is now right on the horrizion, but just like before, I’m not buying a new console until the next KH game is released. See you in 2045, sony~. While I was at the gamestop on base, I also picked up Okami HD and The Last Guardian. For all of February and even early March, I took my time playing through KH3. And…! It was the best disappointment I’ve ever played. After a month away from gaming, I started The Last Guardian and finished it in a couple weeks. I love trico and would die for him, but trying to get 100% completion on that game is udder insanity. Okami, HD, however… again after a month break after finishing TLG, I started replaying Okami. I think I had only managed to get about halfway through the game before I just… stopped playing it on my ps2 version. I am currently SO CLOSE to getting a 100% on the ps4 version. In fact, I’ve beaten the game. I only (techinically) need 2 more trophies to be done; 1st, escape the water dragon without being eaten, 2nd, I need to beat that dumb stupid race with Kai, in order to get the last bead on my rosary, as well as the top dog trophy. I hate her so much. I hate this race so much. It’s awful and bad.

Flash forward to December! Earlier this month I was at Barnes and Noble, buying myself a planner for 2020. I exit the store and notice that there’s a gamestop across the street. For shits and giggles I go inside to look at their game selection, and I find KH 1.5 and 2.5. Now, my PS2 died a few years back (it just won’t read my discs anymore, I don’t know why) and I haven’t been able to replay any of my other kingdom hearts games since. If you had seen me the day I finished kingdom hearts 3, after the ending credits rolled, you would have heard me say “Man…. I wish I could play kingdom hearts 2 again”. AND NOW I CAN, ALONG WITH BBS which I had never even played yet, but knew the story of. I’ve restarted playing kh1, and I was so happy to hear that familiar music when I booted the game up for the first time. While at the game stop, I also picked up Rime and Tearaway, two games that had looked interesting to me. At the time of writing, I’ve finished Rime and am 25% done with tearaway. Rime was…. An interesting experience. I learned about it through Jacksepticeye’s channel a couple years back and thought the art style was enticing. For a super casual gamer like me, I found the puzzles just the right level of challenging and exploring was a blast! The music gave me VERY strong Princes Mononoke vibes, but the overall story left something to be desired. Overall I had fun, and enjoyed completing this game to 100%. Now for tearaway. Can I just say this game is super fucking adorable? I know the original was on the ps vita and the gameplay there was arguably more diverse and imaginative, but this game is just so fucking cute I don’t care?? ALSO, this game’s sound track is ABSOLUTELY incredible and I’ve only heard the first fourth of it! Listen to The Orchards, Pig Riding, and Gibbet Hill Pilgrimage for a taste of their wonderful beats and fantastic use of string and woodwinds! God, I’m so excited to get some more games in 2020. I’m proud to say I currently own more ps4 games than I ever did with my ps2 (and now the majority AREN’T Kingdom Hearts titles!), and I’m still hoping to play Journey, The Witness, and Abzu before everything becomes ps5.

What else happened to me this year. Oh, I went to a doctor for, like, the first time in seven years. I also had my blood drawn for the first time ever, and the nurse said the most disturbing thing to me while she did it. Now, whenever I get shots, I refuse to look. I did that here. So she thought it would be appropriate to say to me “Can you feel your blood leaving your body?” Lady… You can clearly see I am uncomfortable with what is happening here. Why, of all the things you could say, did you choose to say that. Unfortunately, while my doctor is nice, she keeps wanting to run tests on me, that I just cannot afford with my current salary, and my monthly insurance is about to go up to 200$ a month, so I’ve cancelled my next appointment with them, and don’t plan to go back until it’s absolutely necessary. Capitalism is fun, guys. Preventative healthcare is for wusses.

I started going to a chiropractor on a monthly basis. Story time- I don’t know when it started, but sometime late last November I began to notice that I had a headache that just... wasn’t... going away? And each day it was starting to get a little worse. It made it hard for me to find a comfortable position to sleep, it made it hard for me to be in bright areas or move fast. So I said to myself “Okay, if this headache persist through the month of december, then something is proooobably wrong and I should go see someone about it. And hoo-boy were thing wrong with me. By the time this January rolled around, I couldn’t even stay on my feet for more than a few hours without it physically hurting to just BREATHE. So I started going to this chain called The Joint (A+ name, I know). THey aksed me “How are you doing?” I said “I’m in pain” and they said “We can help fix that!”. I’ve only been to a chiropractor once before in my life a few years back after my freshmen year of college because I began to notice my hips weren’t able to support me? LIke, I would lie on my back, and I couldn’t push my hips up when my feet were flat on the floor. I also couldn’t climb anything steep, because my legs just couldn’t push me up if my knee had to bend more than 90 degrees when I lifted my leg up. (Turned out both my hips were apparently out of place). This time only one of my hips were out of place (which they fixed. they said one of my legs was an inch “longer” than the other because I had been leaning all my weight on one leg when I stand). But two of my ribs were apparently “Stuck” which was why it was hurting for me to just breathe, and one of my shoulders was missaligned too, causing one of my trap muscles to constantly be streched, which was pulling on my skull, and causing the headache. Anyway, after they popped all my bones back into place, I still felt terrible, but by god, that night was the first time in weeks I was able to sleep without a migrane. A chiropractor can’t magically heal your arthritis, or fibro, but I definately think they have merit to keeping your posture good and helping your body with things like circulation. 10 outa 10, would recomend. It’s all the fun of getting your neck snapped without the dying!

Earlier this month I got together with two of my friends and we baked Christmas cookies. It was a lot of fun, as well as a great learning experience. A member of my family has a gluten allergy, so we used rice flour for most of the cookies. We learned this is a bad idea! The cookies will just fall apart! A few member’s in one of the friend’s family have nut allergies. Other friend and I knew this and were careful to avoid cookie recipes with nuts, bUT THEN COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT ALMOND MILK AND ALMOND EXTRACT COUNT AS NUT. IN FACT, ALMOND EXTRACT IS PURE CONCENTRATED NUT JUICE AND WE FELT SO BAD FOR ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY POISONING THE FAMILY.

Earlier this year me and these same friends took a field trip to Hobby Lobby and just dicked around the store for a couple of hours. It was super fun, 11 outa 10, would recommend, a great date idea for your artsy S.O.

Back in May I went to a wedding for the first time in my life. (well, not true, but the first one I could remember) we left at 5am, drove 5 hours to get there, hung out at a zoo and spent the night in a la quinta before the wedding day. I slept on the bathroom floor because my mom was snoring too loud in the main room and keeping me awake, and the rest of the day was just spent me trying to keep myself together because I was pissed off and tired.

Other than all of that, nothing really major happened to me this year. I guess one more thing I’ve tried to do this year is started the process of breaking certain internet addictions so I can use my free time for more personal projects. Seriously, I found myself watching way too much youtube and following blogs that didn’t even make me happy. I had a personal intervention with myself where I sat down and asked myself, “why do you watch these videos and youtubers? Why do you follow these blogs? Do you really enjoy their content? Do you really care? If you stopped watching/following them, would you even notice?” After critically thinking it over, I’ve found myself unfollowing several channels and blogs and suddenly I feel so much happier. I thought I would miss it, but I realized I didn’t really care if I saw their content or not. I wasn’t missing much. And now I feel like I have more time to draw, read and write. If you think you spend too much time consuming and not enough time creating, I suggest you try and de-clutter your internet habits as well. It’s done wonders to un-fuck my headspace.

And… well, that about sums up my year. How are your holidays going? Anything fun, exciting, dramatic happen to you this year? I hope your new year is warm and safe! Good night, everybody!

[itsreallylaterightnow]

When I Was Older (Irondad Fic Exchange 2019)

-Summary:

Peter Parker never thought that something like this would be a problem, he always imagined with the spider-bite came a sort of overall health and wellness... well besides being shot at constantly. So when this terrible illness bites down on him suddenly, how will it effect the few days he has left?

or

Peter Parker contracts an illness that he has never heard of then learns that it has no known cure... will he lose his mind before getting the chance to say goodbye to the ones he loves?

Notes: 

AHH! I am so ecstatic for this!! I worked so hard on this, and I am very very proud of this work and I hope that elevators_not_worthy enjoys this work! I chose her, Author's Choice prompt and came up with this guy! It was a labor of love and I cannot thank @justme--Emily  & @seek-rest enough for taking the time to Beta read this work and help me round it out!

Warnings: This is a very sad fic, but no MCD! It is disorienting and could be upsetting to people. No major panic attacks or anything of the sort, just know that it is a bit intense!

Also, shoutout to @irondad-fic-exchange for helping this writer with the computer parts of posting this (I may be a millennial and I may be on my computer all the time but Im so bad with them)

**Tags: ** @irondad-fic-exchange @unfathomable-universe

Please enjoy!

         Peter smiled at MJ across the lunch table, tossing a potato chip at her. Her hair was loose around her face today, and he thought it made her look exceptional.

“Eat your lunch, loser. We only have five minutes before class.” She said, looking back down at her book.

He glanced down at his plate, frowning at the half-eaten sandwich. He hadn’t been hungry for several days, he’d still been forcing himself to eat, but it hadn’t been much. He had hypothesized that his body was finally watering down the spider bite’s crazy side-affect that had him eating like an elephant every day.

The bell rang and the Ned, Betty, and MJ all headed in different directions. Peter waved them all off and stood up himself. His feet led him down the tiled floors of the cafeteria. He stepped into the hallway, about to head to his class. It was time for… Peter stopped, staring at the floor. What class was he going to? He racked his brain, thinking as hard as he could to no avail. He shook his head, remembering that he had read that doorways cause you to lose your train of thought. But it was March of his senior year of high school, he should remember what class came after his lunch period.

           A laugh shook him from his stupor, Olivia Yung grabbed shoved his arm, a smile on her face. “Come on, Parker! We’re going to be late to Western Civ! You don’t even have your notebook, geez! You Americans! Come on, you can borrow a piece of paper and pen from me. We have a quiz on Thursday, you better start taking some good notes!” She tugged him along, and Peter shook his head. Olivia was really nice. She was a genius Foreign exchange student and had quickly joined the Decathlon. MJ and her really got along on account of Olivia was obsessed with politics and her and Michelle could talk about current events for hours.

           Peter sat down in class, a bit shaken from the weird memory lapse thing, but he just pushed it away, and began to take good notes. Mr. Harrington wasn’t the best chaperon, but he was pretty good at teaching. So good that Peter struggled to keep up with the points the man was making about the reformation. Peter looked up at the projection and paused. There was a misspelled word on the board. He stopped, furrowing his brows. He looked around, why was no one else noticing this? The word wasn’t even a real one, why would Harrington put it up? Peter looked down at his paper, then looked back up. He dropped his pencil while he re-read the sentence. It said, “Martin Luther posted the 95 These on the Wittenberg church.” The word Peter hadn’t been able to place was _church. _How the hell had he been so confused about that? Peter shook his head. This was getting a bit too weird for his liking. But he figured he would talk to Mr. Stark about it that afternoon at the internship.

           Peter got in the car with Happy, but the man was on a business call, so he had the partition up. Peter pulled his mask out of his bag and slipped on over his head. “Hello, Mr. Parker.”

           “Hey, Karen. Weird question for you.” He said.

           “Anything that I can answer I will.” She responded.

           “Um, have I hit my head recently on patrol?” Peter leaned back and waited, already knowing the answer, but needing to double check.

           “I have no record of you hitting your head recently. I am automatically required to alert Mr. Stark of any and all head injuries upon incident. I have not alerted him in exactly three weeks, and last time you hit your head it was nothing but a migraine inducer.” Peter gnawed on his lip, trying to come up with a reason behind the strange things that had gone down earlier in his day.

           “No reason, K.” And he pulled the mask off. He hadn’t gotten much sleep that night, maybe that was it. Peter closed his eyes. With the New York traffic, they’d be at least another forty-five minutes to the tower. His last thought was _that’s just enough time to take a nap. _

           It had been three hours that Peter and Tony had been in the lab when Mr. Stark turned to Peter with a look of annoying amusement on his face.

           “Kid, you’ve been tapping your fingers on the table for the last ten minutes and if you don’t stop, I’m going to absolutely rampage.” Peter looked up, and smirked.

           “Yeah, yeah, sorry Mr. Stark.” He stopped his fingers, a bit confused as to how long he had been tapping them anyways. Truth was, Peter could care less about the work in front of him. He and Mr. Stark had been doing updates to FRIDAY, and Peter’s attention span had been waning for the last hour and a half.

           Peter rolled his neck, the muscles in his back stiff as he looked at the clock. He still had three more hours of time in here. Normally it was too short of a time with Tony in Peter’s eyes, but right now, he just wanted to lay down.

           He cried out suddenly, dropping the pen he was holding. “What the heck?” He blurted, short gasps of air coming from his mouth as his arm locked up.

           Tony looked over at Peter, concern in his eyes. “What’s up kid?” Peter hunched over, laughing through the pain.

           “My arm is like- ow- spazzing!” He laughed through the pain, it didn’t hurt enough for him to scream, it felt like the one time on patrol when he had been shocked with a woman’s stun-gun when she thought he was trying to grab her. It didn’t necessarily hurt, just locked his joints up a bit. Tony just rolled his eyes and went back to work.

           Peter spent the night at the tower. It was Friday night, and May was on a weekend shift. Peter would normally either stay with Ned or Tony on these weekends, and Ned had called Peter saying he had come down with a cold. So, Stark tower it was. He sat opposite of Steve and Bucky who were watching the newest Yankees game. Peter felt exhaustion pulling at his eyes, but he forced himself to look back down at the homework he had been working on. Tony was on some conference call that Pepper had forced him to take, and he could hear Clint and Nat in the kitchen arguing about how to properly cook spaghetti while Wanda just laughed.

           The Avengers floor had a large commons area. There was the television, kitchen, dining area and a couple of video games. It was a flat and open space. It had two sides to it. The left side led to the bathrooms, and training area. The right side led to all of the bedrooms. Tony had offered to put Peter on his private floor, but Peter just shook his head. He liked being a part of the team like that.

           As the night wore on Tony and Pepper filled into the commons room. Clint had ruined the Spaghetti, don’t even ask Peter how because he didn’t know that was possible. So Tony had grumbled and ordered pizza from the nearest store.

           Peter looked at the food on his plate and sighed, his appetite still completely gone. He forced himself to take a couple of bites before he set it down, wincing at the tightness in his jaw. He began to tap his fingers on his leg, there was an itch in the back of his mind like his hand was being forced to move. Peter watched the movie in front of them. Wanda had gotten to choose tonight, and she had wanted to watch Chasing Mavericks. It was a movie Peter had never seen, but so far, he had kind of liked it. It was about this guy that, against the bad hand the world had dealt him, had found a father figure to replace the lack of his own. The older man, Frosty, took Jay under his wing, teaching him how to not only surf some of the largest and most dangerous waves in the world, but also how to be a better man.

           Peter couldn’t keep his eyes from flicking over to look at Mr. Stark. The older man had Peter’s feet laid over her legs, an arm around Pepper and a pen twirled in his fingers. As Peter watched the movie, seeing as Frosty lost his wife, and Jay helped him back from his guilt and grief, he felt every emotion that the characters felt. He saw as Frosty watched, heart in his throat, as Jay almost died surfing the mavericks. Then, the pain in Frosty’s eyes when Jay did die, taken too soon by his own drive for greatness.

           The movie ended, and Peter saw Tony, wiping his eyes as he leaned back. Natasha had passed out, sitting with her back up against Bucky’s legs. Bucky and Steve had been squished onto the couch together, looking a bit uncomfortable but relaxed, nonetheless. Clint had fallen asleep with his head on Bruce’s shoulder, who in turn had his chin on Clint’s head. The two would freak when they saw woke up.

           Peter went to sit up and frowned at the tightness in his limbs. He felt like his joints had been bolted together and were unable to bend. Peter cracked his jaw and rolled his shoulder. He was still a bit too emotional from the movie to talk, so he stood up and sighed.

           “See you tomorrow, kiddo. I was thinking that we could just have a lazy day at home. Watch some movies, fool around in the lab. The works.” Tony said as he helped pull an exhausted looking Pepper to her feet.

           “Great sounds, Mr. Stark.” Peter turned to go to his room, stopping at Tony’s chuckle.

           “Yeah, you do need to go to bed if you’re talking like that, Pete. G’night.” Peter didn’t know what the older man was talking about, so he just continued walking towards his room.

           And with that, the boy made his way stiffly to his room, fumbling for the king-sized bed and essentially collapsing onto it. School and patrol had really been kicking his butt recently. It had totally zapped his energy, so he was pretty glad to be able to just relax this weekend. Peter closed his eyes, and that was it.

           After the weekend at the tower Peter had finally felt rested. He went to school on Monday happy as could be to be there. Then of course it all went to hell. He had been having a fine weekend. His memory had been a little short, and he kept getting his words mixed up, but Peter had just attributed it to him having been so tired. And, no one had seemed to notice so it wasn’t a big deal anyways.

           He was at Decathlon practice when it happened. Peter had been sitting beside Flash and Betty, answering question after question when there was a strange _popping _sensation in the back of his head. Peter sat up a bit straighter, but he just ignored it, waiting for the next question.

           “Uh- Peter?” He looked up to where MJ was standing with the flashcards in her hands, a strange expression on her normally straight-laced face.

           That’s when he heard the dripping noise and felt liquid on his mouth. Peter put his hand up to his nose and pulled it away. More shocked and annoyed by the sight of the bright red liquid than anything. That’s when he noticed that it wasn’t just dripping, his nose was pouring blood.

Peter pulled his jacket off, holding it up to his nose as he pushed his seat back clumsily.    

“Mr. Parker, do you need to go to the nurse?” Harrington asked in his normally panicked voice.   “No, I-I’m…” He frowned, completely losing his train of thought as the jacket in his hand kept getting wetter under his nose..  “Bathroom, I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

He pushed past the others, bending his knee in annoyance at the stiffness it held. It made him think of his old bike. The kickstand had been rusted, so he could flip it down easily enough, but whenever he tried to pop it back up it would just stick down, aching and squealing in protest as he forced it upwards.

           Peter walked, albeit gimpily to the bathroom. He opened the door and stepped into the fluorescently lit room.

           And his mind blanked. Why was he in the bathroom? Why was his hand pressed to his face? And why on earth did it feel so sticky? Peter turned to leave, pulling the jacket away from his nose when he stopped. His nose was bleeding? When did his nose start bleeding? It didn’t feel like he had gotten punched and he was still at school, so he shouldn’t be having any injuries from school.

           Peter grabbed a couple of paper towels and bent over the sink. He closed his eyes, waiting for the bleeding to stop. It just continued gushing, running down the sink. He breathed out, praying it would stop soon.

           “Peter!” Ned’s voice had Peter snapping his head up. He opened his eyes and looked at his friend, his head pounding. When he looked at himself in the mirror he stopped. Under his nose was a smear of dried blood, and there was a deep red mark on his forehead from where he had been leaning against the edge of the sink.

           “What, jeez, Ned! Don’t scream at me like that, you’re going to give me a heart attack!”

           “Dude, you’re Spiderman and me saying your name is going to do you in?” He said in a voice that made Peter pause. Ned had this tone to his voice that he only got when he was freaked out about something.

           “Ned!” Peter looked around in wild panic as he dampened some paper towels to wipe the blood from his face. “Someone is going to hear you!” Ned just looked at him. His friend’s face was completely slack and dumbfounded.

           “Peter… it’s been two hours! Tony called me, and I told him you had to have goen home because you never came back to practice! I thought you’d gone home after the whole nosebleed thing. Then- then I just come in here to pee before I go home and you’re just like- dude, you were in some freaky trance! Eyes closed, bent over the sink! Are you okay? Is this, should we like, call Mr. Stark about this?” Ned asked so many questions that he just frowned.

           “No, no I’m ok, Ned. I think- I think I’m just tired. I need to go, ok?” Ned just watched as Peter pushed past him. “I’m fine, really! I’ll see you tomorrow!” He said, bringing his hand up to his jaw as he began to rub it again. God, his bones felt so stiff.

           Peter stepped outside and pulled his phone into his hand. His heart plummeted. Twelve missed texts from Tony! He was so dead!

           Hey kid, you still coming to work on the new update for Karen today?

_ _

_            Yo- you ignoring your old man now? I’m completely offended._

_ _

_            Blink once if you are in trouble. _

_ _

_            Peter, kid? You’re friend Ned said you left to go home? Everything peachy clean?_

_ _

_            Alright, I’m kind of panicking. Please call me. _

_ _

_            Now._

_ _

_            Kid, I mean it. Like NOW!_

_ _

_            Ok, your phone is saying it has no signal. _

_ _

_            So help me GOD if you turned off your tracking again_

_ _

_            PETER!_

_ _

_            Alright, I’m sending the avenger’s out now. _

_ _

_            Call me!_

_ _

_ _

_            _He didn’t get service in the bathroom he had been in, and Peter hit the call button. One ring later and Tony was yelling in his ear.

           “Mr. Stark.” He winced again, pulling the phone from his ear. Something was wrong. He couldn’t think. Peter looked around him and stopped. He was in front of some massive building. He could see a football field and stairs. The building behind him looked somewhat like a prison as Peter turned in a circle. “I’m-” He lost the word for it. “I don’t k- I can’t think!” He finally forced out of his increasingly uncomfortable mouth, rubbing his jaw once more.

           “Ok, your tracking is on now.” Tony’s voice was deadly serious as he picked up the predicament his kid was in. “Your friend said he found you bent over the bathroom sink, Bucky is closest to you, but I’m on my way.”

           Peter wanted to speak, but he was hit by a wall of fatigue. He heard someone calling his name, but his phone clattered to the ground as his hand fell limp at his side. He felt like a puppet whose strings had been completely cut.

He swayed. Peter heard yelling, but he couldn’t comprehend the words. He was exhausted, feeling as though he had been running for three hours.

He fell. Unable to hold himself up on his shaking knees anymore. Then he felt arms on his,

lowering him to the ground.

           “Hey, woah- woah kid. Hang on, Tony’s almost here. Geez, what did you smoke?” He heard Bucky above him, and Peter could feel as the ex-assassin sat him up, leaning Peter back against his chest to keep him supported.

           “I- Buck- I can’t think- I don’t. Working, words aren’t.” He could feel the man looking at him, but Peter just wanted help. He was so confused, and nothing was making sense. And what was this happening to him?

           He heard the sound of repulsors and felt more hands on him then Tony’s worry ridden face was in front of him.

           “Kid, what’s going on?” It was then that Peter realized he was crying.

           “I don’t- Tony- I can’t- I can’t- I can’t-” The older man held his hand out, eyebrows creased heavily.

           “Okay, alright. Brucy is waiting on us at the tower, and he’s going to get you all figured out. I swear, if you have alcohol in your system, I’m going to lose it.” Tony’s voice was deadly serious, but Peter knew he was just teasing to work through the anxiety he was feeling.

           “Where- where- are? Where am I?” He stuttered out, looking around, his eyes doing everything they could to put two and two together.

           Tony jerked his head to look at Bucky, he was still holding Peter’s limp head up. “Did he hit his head?”

           “No, I caught him when he fell. I looked, no dilated pupils or bumps on the skull. I have no clue what’s going on.” He said, concern evident in his voice.

           “Kid, we’re at Midtown right now.” Peter blinked. Midtown. That was his school. Terror began to grip at his heart and Peter looked around him. He had walked these sidewalks for years. He had been going to midtown for four years, and now he couldn’t even recognize where he was.

           “What’s wrong with me?” He whispered. Saying it so quietly that only Tony heard. The man bent down, hands around Peter’s face, looking him dead in the eye.

           “I don’t know, buddy. But I am going to figure it out, okay. You just relax. We are going to get everything taken care of.” Peter just stared at him; eyes wide. Tony then stood up, one hand on Peter’s bicep and one on his forearm. Bucky also shifted around, doing the same on Peter’s left side. He was completely limp, muscles absolutely exhausted as he was pulled up. Peter’s legs were completely straight as he stood. Bucky and Tony were the only reason he wasn’t falling flat on his face.

           “Think you can walk, Kid?” Bucky asked from next to him. Peter grunted, moving his legs forward carefully. It was like he was being forced to walk through a mud pit, his limbs feeling as though they weighed thousands of pounds. He could see the car pulling up, a worried Steve and Clint watching him from the front seats. They leapt out, opening the door closest to the trio.

           “Hey, kid. You’re looking like you had a bit too much to drink.” Clint quipped as he helped bend Peter’s knees to get him into the seat, but Peter knew he was terrified. The more time you spent with Clint, the more you realized that his humor covered up all other emotions that he felt. Bucky slipped to the other side of the car, helping to pull Peter through.

           He leaned his head back, sinking into the leather seats as Tony and Bucky supported him on both sides, hands hovering as they wondered what to do. Suddenly a sharp pain jabbed into his thigh. Peter cried out, hunching over. Hands were on him immediately, sitting him back as he continued to cry out.

           “What’s going on?” Steve asked from the driver’s seat. Tony and Bucky were bracing Peter back, holding him up against the seat as he continued to squirm in pain.

           “I don’t know, just get us to Bruce!” Tony kind of yelled, the team just knew that whenever someone Tony loved was in harm’s way, he got like this. Tense, agitated, and quick to snap. But, no one cared. They all knew that it was only because he cared so deeply and couldn’t stand to see anyone he loved in pain. Strangled cries came from Peter’s mouth, and a hand quickly cupped the back of his head.

           “Kid, we are going to get all of this figured out. Hang on for us, alright? I think you’re having a muscle spasm right now, good ole’ Charly Horse, yeah? No big deal, guys that play football get em’ all the time. They hurt like a bitch, but just try and relax.” Bucky said as Peter just let his head go limp. He was so, so tired, everything around him seeming to sap every ounce of energy he had.

           “That’s a good idea. Kid, just try and close your eyes and relax, alright?” Peter grunted, whether in agreement or agitation he didn’t know. His eyes closed, but his mind stayed awake.

The conversations making less and less sense to him as he drifted somewhere else.

           “I don’t know what this is.” A panicked voice started.  “He’s been acting weird the past couple of weeks, losing his train of thought and stuff but, God, this? He just, he seems completely out of it. He didn’t know where we were, and I- God, if I didn’t know better it seems like the same thing that happened to my grandmother.” Tony said from beside him. Peter listened, but he didn’t hear.

           “Like what?” Steve asked from the front.

           “Like- I hate to say this…” Tony paused, obviously deep in thought. “It’s like Alzheimer’s”

           Peter woke up to Bucky and Tony pulling him carefully from the car. Natasha was holding a wheelchair in place, her normally placate face creased with worry at the sight of the teen who could hardly stand on his own. It as something straight from a nightmare.

           “Bruce is getting a room prepped for him. He wants to start him on an MRI scan first.” Her flat tone said, but her hand found Peter’s face and she gave him a soft stroke.

           “Can- can you guys, s-s-s…. quit talking about me. Like I’m not h- like I’m not here.” Every word felt like a struggle to get out. It was like his tongue had been twisted and tied and his brain was doing flips in his head. Like reaching into a bowl of random words, looking for one specific one. Natasha bends down at this as the men get Peter settled into the wheelchair.

           “Kid don’t worry. Bruce and Cho are the best out there, you know that. Whatever is going on with you, we will get it figured out.” Peter rarely saw Natasha look anything other than stone-faced, but right now, her eyes had an air of concern and gentleness that soothed his soul. He relaxed as he was wheeled into the tower.

           “How are you feeling, Pete?” Bruce asked when they made it to the med bay. The man looked concerned, but calm as Peter was helped to sit on the reclined hospital bed.

           “I don’t- I can’t- it’s…” He stopped, taking a deep breath. He couldn’t think. And he was going to go crazy. Before he realized what, he had done, Peter’s phone was laying on the floor, a mirage of broken glass.

           “Alright, alright. Listen, you just relax. We are going to take an MRI, I think it’s possible that you hit your head, and this is just a severe concussion, alright? I’m going to get this done as quickly as possible, you just relax. If you get uncomfortable or feel off just let me know.” Peter just nodded, his eyes hot with tears, finding Tony’s as the man stared at him with worry creasing his features.

           “M-m-may?” Peter stuttered out. Tony nodded, understanding completely.

           “Yeah, I know. I want to wait and see what Bruce says. She’s going to be sleeping right now. Once he lets us know what’s going on, we will give her a call.” Tony ruffled Peter’s hair as one of the nurse’s brought him a hospital gown.

           “I don’t think.” His voice stuttered. “I can’t do it a- a- by myself.” Tony, sad eyes and firm lined mouth, nodded.

           “I know. I’ve you kid. I’ve got you.”

           The MRI was torture for Tony. He stood, watching through the one-way glass, his heart in his throat. The kid had exploded, slamming his phone into the wall on the opposite side of the room with enough force for it to completely shatter. Tony and Bruce had held a brief conversation about a sedative, but since Peter had calmed down, they’d decided to hold off.

           “Tony.” Bruce’s voice was low, and he jerked his head to look at the man. Everyone else was somewhere in the tower, awaiting news. He had sent Happy to get May when Bruce relayed the fact that it would be wise. Something as serious as this, it wasn’t a physical issue. He hadn’t fallen from a building, or been slammed upside the head. This was neurological. And that was scarier than anything else that could’ve happened. Peter was laid out, looking utterly too still as he stared at the white machine above him.

           “Bruce.” Tony’s voice wavered, completely uncertain, and painstakingly terrified. He had risked everything; the team had risked _everything _for that kid. To stop Thanos, to save that boy. That boy who looked completely horrified and unaware of his body. Who was moving like an elderly person, whose brain could hardly place a thought. Tony could not lose him. Tony would _not _lose him. Not now, not ever.

           “I think we need to sit down.” Bruce said gravely. Those were the exact words he had dreaded hearing. Tony just continued to stare at the man. Bruce, who was hiding behind his glasses, his face white as a sheet. And Tony suddenly felt the urge to vomit.

           “Tell me.” He said, unable to say anything more without his voice breaking.

           “Let’s si-”

           “_Bruce.” _He said forcibly.

           “It’s, God, Tony it looks like…” He paused, rubbing his hands over his eyes. He looked

as though he were about to drop to the floor. “It doesn’t make sense, but it looks like- Frontotemporal Dementia.” His voice was a hush, hardly a whisper, but Tony just stared at him like he was a foreign language.

           “_Dementia? _Bruce, he-he’s eighteen. He doesn’t have Dementia!” Tony exclaimed, throwing his hands. Because no matter how much he argued the point, it wouldn’t matter. Because Bruce wouldn’t have said that if it couldn’t happen.

           “It’s rare, Tones. But, it’s the only type of Dementia that can affect young people, and… Tony I think that the advancement that the spider bite gave him… I think that it is working against him and speeding up the process. His symptoms started until last week, and it just doesn’t move this fast.” Bruce gestured to the kid. “This is- it’s moving too fast.” Tony took a deep breath, feeling as though he was underwater.

           “What’s going to happen?” His voice was deathly low, but Bruce heard.

           “It looks to be in a more advanced place. He’s going to have problems holding things, moving, walking. We need to be careful and watch that he doesn’t fall. It will become hard for him to eat, and drink, his muscles essentially will start cramping or seizing up, he won’t be able to move. He… it’s not fatal in itself. But, God-” Bruce’s head fell into his hands. “There’s essentially no way to keep him from getting pneumonia. He will stop being able to move, and when the body lays in one position like that, it just- it’s not good.” And Tony felt like he was dying. Right then and right there. And he grabbed Bruce’s arm, because he couldn’t stand up.

           “Tony, I need you to breathe.” Bruce’s voice filled his brain as Tony sank against the wall.

           “I can’t- Bruce- I can’t lose him.” Bruce kneeled in front of Tony.

           “I will figure this out. Be there for him. Don’t act like he’s dumb or missing something. Treat him as normally as you can. I want him to stay on the Floor with everyone until… as long as he can.” Bruce grimaced as he stood up. “I’m going to give you a minute, and I’m going to go

talk to Peter. Talk to his aunt. I won’t stop until I can find a way to fix this.”

           There were tears and denial from everyone. Peter didn’t understand half of what Bruce told him; he just knew that whatever was going on was bad. It was bad for him, and everyone around him was upset. Bruce promised to not stop trying. Whatever that meant.

           May was there. She was crying and kept holding his head to her chest. Peter was sat on the couch with a blanket up to his chest. Tony was standing in the kitchen, and he had been looking down at the same cup of coffee for the past twenty minutes. Peter blinked heavily, his head dropping towards his chest.

           “Why don’t you take a nap, Pete?” May’s voice was soft as she played with his hair. Peter did feel exhausted. He leaned his head against her arm.

           “It’s like-like a …” He couldn’t think.

           “It’s okay, just relax right now, baby.”

           “It’s like a storm.” He muttered. May tilted her head, looking at him with tears rimming her eyes.

           “What?” His eyes were closed as he released a deep breath. He felt Tony’s hand on his hair, and he sighed.

           “This. ‘s like a storm.”

           It only got worse. Tony had called in every single doctor he could think of. He had called in Cho, Strange, even doctors from Thor’s world. No one could find a cure. Tony was sat with Peter today. May had a double shift at the hospital, and he had Peter duty. The kid was staring at the television. Nothing hurt Tony more than the silence from his kid. Peter had always been the chipper, chatting one. He was the one that was talking when Tony had been anxious or stressed about something. Now, Peter hardly spoke. The dementia was progressing faster than any of them had been ready for. The kid could hardly speak without stuttering. He was constantly confused, and he could hardly eat or drink anything, choking to the point that they had put in a feeding tube and he was now connected to an IV of fluids at all times.

           Tony looked at the kid, biting his lip as he bent his head, doing everything he could to hold back a sob. Peter’s face was void of any emotion as he sat, and Tony couldn’t handle it anymore. He needed an ounce of recognition, a hint of a smile.

           “Hey, Pete. Do you want to go outside? I’ll take you for a stroll?” Peter made eye contact with Tony before offering a stiff nod. “Alright. Let me grab you a jacket and the wheelchair.” Peter just stared back at the television as Tony pushed himself off the couch. The kid hadn’t been able to eat much before the feeding tube, and even with it he was losing weight, which meant he was always freezing. As Tony walked from the hallway with the items, he needed his heart dropped.

           “Pete!” He raced forward, the teen lying face down on the ground, trying and failing to push himself up, the IV had been ripped from his arm. Tony grabbed him and got him in a sitting position. “Are you hurt?” The boy just stared at him; no recognition is his eyes. Tony felt his blood running cold. “Peter, are you hurt?” He pronounced each word very bluntly, but the boy shook his head, his body shaking slightly.

           “Need’d you.” He forced out from his locked jaw. Tony grinned, knowing it didn’t reach his eyes.

           “That’s okay, kiddo. I’ve got you.” He managed to get Peter into the wheelchair, tucking the sweatshirt he grabbed, which just so happened to be his MIT one, over the boy’s head before slipping the IV back into the teen’s arm. He decided to tuck a blanket around the kid as well, making sure he stayed warm.

           It was dark out, and the lights of the city blinked at the two of them. Peter’s favorite spot was on the roof, looking over New York. They hadn’t talked about spider-man since Peter got sick, but he knew the kid missed it drastically, could see it in the boy’s face.

           “M’ scared.” Tony looked down, seeing tears in the kid’s eyes. He knelt next to him, touching the boy’s face gently.

           “It’s going to be okay, Pete.” Heart being torn from his chest.

           “Miss it.” A tear dropped down his cheek and Tony’s thumb caught it.

           “I know. I know you do.” He needed a cure, God let Bruce find a cure.

           “M’ lost, T’ny.” And that did it. It was a sledgehammer straight to his heart. Tony’s calloused hands cupped the teens face, and his distant eyes focused in.

           “You’re not lost. It just feels like you are. Bruce isn’t- we aren’t going to let you go somewhere that we can’t follow.” Each word dripped with emotion. Peter nodded. He was more coherent right now than he had been in the past several days, and Tony was soaking it all in. He pulled the kid from the chair, sitting both of them on a couch that he had set up outside, just for these moments. He grabbed a blanket and pulled a hat on Peter’s head for him. The two sat, listening to the soft music that FRIDAY had turned on, and for a second- one split second- everything was normal.

           Then Peter coughed.

           Ton sat at the table of the commons room, staring at his food and trying to force himself to eat. May was with Peter and Cho, working on finding a way to bring his fever down. Let’s just say, when Peter got sick, he got sick violently. He was coughing up a lung and you could read the discomfort in every labored breath he took. What had the medical team so worried, was the levels of his fever. The kid was racked with chills, and his fever was verging on 104, and Tony ached to see the kid’s hazy eyes.

           He felt a presence behind him and looked up. Helen stood, looking exhausted as she watched him.

           “How is he?” Tony knew, but he still dreamed that he would ask that question and it would be, _He’s healed, Tony! _And he would never have to let the kid get out of his sight again.

           “Not good.” Cho sat, sipping the tea that she held. “I don’t know how much longer he has, to be honest with you.” Tony felt his entire chest darken, running a hand over his mouth.

           “How did this happen? No one in his family showed signs of it, Helen! I looked into his family’s medical records; they show nothing like this! Not a single one of them had anything close to dementia or Alzheimer’s, and I’m just supposed to expect that this is completely random?” He dropped his face into his hands.

           “I wasn’t going to tell you this, because nothing came of it.” Cho looked down. “When Peter first came in and we took his blood, there were… abnormalities in it. A strange chemical mixture that I couldn’t quite make out.” Tony sat up straighter. “I still have the sample, and I’ve been looking into it, but nothing has come of it. If it were-” She stopped herself looking down, and a burning anger filled his chest.

           “If it were what?” She bit her lip.

           “It was foul play,” and his breath was torn away from him. “then it wouldn’t matter right now, because I haven’t been able to curate a way to stop this anyways, and I’ve been trying. I had Natasha looking back to see if Peter ever got hit with any kind of dart or injected with anything, she’s been looking since he came in last week but nothing’s come up.” Tony’s hands were shaking as he watched her. “I- the pain he’s in… I need to start him on Morphine.” Tony felt his chest tightening.

           “Morphine is a death sentence.” He choked out, unable to breath.

           “It- it doesn’t look good. He’s in pain right now. His body is shutting down and he’s sick. I’ll give you until the end of the day, but Tony- I won’t let him suffer any longer than that.” She said firmly, as Tony stared at the wall in front of him.

           “I will fund whatever you need. I will get you every scientist in the world. Get my boy back.” He stood, completely abandoning the food on the table.

           “Where are you going?”

           “I’ve got a very unlucky person out there waiting for me to hunt them down. Someone did this to my kid, I just know it. I have to find them. I have to do something.”

           He took Clint, Natasha, and Bucky with him. He needed to be sure that he had a team of people willing to do whatever it took to get this son of a bitch. Tony had scoured every ounce of footage from Peter’s suit, and he had found it. There was a man that Peter had fought, of course he had won, but the man had gotten a small cut onto Peter. Of course, the kid hadn’t thought anything of it, but as Tony had FRIDAY read into who the man was, he found out that he was a scientist from OSCorp, and there was no way that he was completely innocent.

           They had found his home and waited until nighttime. When they ambushed, it had only taken Natasha three and a half minutes to get the cure from him. Tony had already called SHIELD. Whenever the psycho, who said he wanted to see how Peter’s Spider DNA reacted to the Dementia, got out of the hospital, he would be in prison for a very very long time.

           Tony raced back to the tower, stopping in his tracks when he heard May weeping. _I’m too late. _He thought to himself. Peter was dying a terrible, painful death, and he was too late. Bruce came sprinting around the corner, his face pale and sweating.

           “Please tell me he-”

           “Not yet, but God- I would never give him something like this without testing it, but we don’t have time. I just pray that it kick starts his healing factor, because. Well, I’m not going to lie to you, without it he doesn’t have long. His fever is too high and with the way his muscles are shutting down, he’s losing his ability to clear his airway by coughing. Helen’s going to administer Morphine in twenty minutes if this does nothing.” Tony gave the man the vial and followed as they raced to the room, ignoring the growing shaking of his hands.

           May was weeping, Her face laying in Peter’s hand on the bed. The ventilator hissed as it did everything it could to do the job his lungs couldn’t. His face was ghastly pale, the bags under his eyes dark enough to look racoon-ish. He looked so thin, and weak. Tony hated it. He hated every second of seeing his kid look like this.  

           “Okay, Peter. If you can hear me, we have something to give you.” Helen said from where she entered the room behind Tony. May looked up, tear stained eyes that held a haunted hope. Because if this didn’t work- they knew the outcome.

           Helen prepped the needle and walked to the port in his left arm. She bent her head down, saying a quick prayer. Tony did the same. She inserted the honey-looking liquid in. And they waited. Nothing happened.

           The respirator hissed. The pulse ox beeped, dangerously low, and the heart monitor seemed to be counting down the seconds. Everything seemed to slow down drastically, as Tony rubbed his hand over the boy’s forehead, hand gripping his kid’s tightly.

           Then doe brown eyes slipped open. And they held more recognition and love in them than Tony had seen in weeks. And he thought his knees would buckle.

           Tony gripped the boy’s hand, staying out of Cho and Bruce’s way. They began examining him, giving him his pain medications that would work now that his metabolism was working again. The boy may at least be awake, but he was still sick. His metabolism working the way it was, had him beginning to fight the ventilator that he was on, and Tony put a placating hand on his shoulder, steadying the kid best he could. “We’ve got you Pete, we’ve got you.” He said over and over as the boy squeezed his hand, brown eyes blown wide. He knew this would be terrifying. He knew Peter would have a long road of recovering ahead of him, but they could do this.    

           By the time Cho and Bruce left, Peter was falling back asleep with exhaustion. The respirator would stay in until his lungs cleared, which, with his healing rates, shouldn’t take longer than a couple of days.

           May had stepped out to go shower when the boy fell back asleep, Tony having promised to stay with him. He had pulled a chair closer to the teen’s bed, tucking a blanket into his lap as he waited for the boy to wake up.

           “I missed you, kiddo. God, I was terrified.” He whispered as he sat, running his fingers through the boy’s hair. He hadn’t expected the kid to wake up with the amount of drugs he was on, but he felt the hand tightening around his own.

           Soft brown eyes forced themselves open, and Peter was looking at him, trust filling his eyes, and Tony knew he would never again take him for granted. “Hey kid.” Peter’s hand tightened on Tony’s. The man leaned forward, shushing Peter gently as he blinked. “Just rest, Pete. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll be here for the rest of your life. Whenever you need me.” Peter had tears in his eyes, and Tony just hushed him once more, running his thumb across the boy’s cheek. “You’re not lost anymore, Pete. We found you.” He closed his eyes as Tony continued playing with his hair. “We found you.”

[sapphires-and-gold-fics]

Fictober 2019 Day 3: “Now? Now you listen to me?”

Fandom: Game of Thrones / A Song of Ice and Fire

Characters: Jaime Lannister / Brienne of Tarth

Read on AO3

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They were getting close to the Brotherhood’s territory. They could encounter one of Stoneheart’s men at any moment. Brienne halted her horse and jumped down, leading the mare off the road and into the brush where she secured the reins around a thick branch. Jaime leapt down as well and began to follow her lead.

“No Ser Jaime don’t,” Brienne sniffed, “we’re bringing your horse - he’ll make for a quicker escape.”

Jaime looked at her curiously. “What’s going on? I thought Sansa Stark would be further yet.” He peered at her and could see that tears had begun to form in her startling eyes.

“Ser Jaime, I need you to trust me.”

“What is it, wench?” he pried, stepping closer to her, “Why did you come to me with this bandage on your face and rope burns on your neck? What has happened?”

She shook her head. “You won’t believe me. I just need you to follow my lead. We may both still survive this. How has your fighting progressed? Your left arm?”

He flexed it. “If you’d wanted to spar my lady we needn’t have left Pennytree.” He could see that she was not keen to his jests. “What danger lies ahead? Have you laid a trap for me, wench?”

“It was the only way, Ser Jaime. She’s going to kill Podrick.” The tears were flowing now, and he resisted the urge to wipe them from her cheeks.

“Who is?”

“I told you,” she whispered, “You won’t believe me. You have to see her. And right now I need you to let me bind your arms.”

He looked at her askance.

“I’ll make sure you can loose yourself, but we need to be convincing to the Brotherhood. Believe me when I say this is the only way.” Her tears were drying as her resolve firmed.

“Wench…”

“You risked your life for me time and again, do you really think I would ever ask you to do so unless absolutely necessary? We don’t have a choice Jaime. We have to go to her. Give me your sword.”

Jaime studied her. She could have shown up back at Pennytree and told him that the Titan of Braavos was made of cheese, and he would have followed her. Her path was his, it had just taken him a while to realize it. And now she was asking him to go into an unknown situation with not just one good hand, but in fact none as she was bringing him in as a prisoner. He wanted to balk at the idea. But he couldn’t bear to watch her cry again. “Fine.” He unbuckled the belt holding Widow’s Wail and handed it to her and watched as she settled it on her right hip, the two halves of Ned Stark’s sword flanking her like the unassuming warrior she was. “Bind me, but not too hard.”

“No,” she sniffed, “I’ll make it so you can free yourself, whatever happens. Trust me, please.”

Jaime widened his shoulders to keep the rope loose as she drew his arms together, her hands soft against his stumped arm. “You said the Brotherhood - has Beric Dondarrion finally ended his unnatural life? If a woman was to defeat him, I can only imagine it would be you, but that doesn’t fit.”

“No,” she said from behind him, “he has been replaced by another.”“And how do you know your mystery woman won’t behead me the moment she sees me? How shall I defend myself then?"

“She won’t. She wants us to suffer. There will be time. Trust me.”

“Oh I do wish you’d mentioned the suffering before I agreed to be tied up and delivered for slaughter.” He felt her pause and take a deep breath before finishing her work behind him. She pressed the end of the length of rope into his hand and he squeezed hers as she did.

“There,” she said. “You only need to pull, and your arm will be free.”

“Good thing I can free myself, wench. Otherwise I couldn’t stop you taking liberties with me, could I?”

Brienne blushed hard.

“There it is. I was hoping I might get to see it one last time.”

“Ser Jaime —”

“Oh, lead on, wench - there’s suffering to be had!”

Two of Stoneheart’s men crossed them in the road not ten minutes later, and brought them before her. Harwin stood to her right, and Thoros haunted the corner of the cave.

“Lady Catelyn, I see the rumors of your death have been… somewhat exaggerated.”

Harwin raised his chin. “Lady Stoneheart has not given you leave to speak, Kingslayer.”

The milky white woman raised a taloned hand to her neck and pressed down, a heavy hiss emitting from her mouth. “You have no honorrrr Kingsssslayer.”

“That’s not true!” came a shout from behind them.

Brienne heard one of the men hit Pod to silence him, and she stepped forward. “It’s true, my lady. A Kingslayer has shit for honor.”

“Now? Now you listen to me.” Jaime was looking between Stoneheart and Brienne in disbelief. “This is--” he faltered when he saw her eyes begin to water again. “Wench…”

“It’s true,” said Brienne, turning to Stoneheart, “a Kingslayer has no honor. But Ser Jaime, the knight before you, is not that man.”

“Ser Jaime is the Kingslayer!” cried Harwin.

“No,” Brienne cried back, “it’s Ser Jaime. It’s just Jaime. He is honorable. He followed me thinking we were going to save your daughter, my lady.”

The woman let out another hiss, “Oathhhbreaaaakerrrr.”

Brienne stood up straighter. “My lady, you said that you would spare the others if I… I brought him here. That must be enough to let Pod and Hyle go. You get Jaime and you get me.”

“No!” Jaime urged, “certainly your freedom has been secured too. You’ve kept your promise where it regards me.” He turned to the former Lady Catelyn, “You have me. Let the rest go.”

Jaime couldn’t make out Stoneheart’s next words, but Harwin was quickly barking orders for the two Brotherhood guards behind them to escort Pod and Hyle back to the road. They were letting them go. But he and Brienne were still here.

“Wench…”

“Lady Catelyn,” started Brienne.

“Oathhhhhbreaaaakerrrr.”

“No, my lady,” Brienne all but begged, “Ser Jaime and I have broken no oathes. He would not have come here unless it were to try to fulfill the oath you now accuse us of abandoning. I… my lady, I beg mercy for him.”

“Toooo laaaate.”

Jaime stepped closer, “Well then, my lady - how am I to die? I see you already tried to hang the wench, but that didn’t seem to take. Perhaps your trees aren’t strong enough, but I’m a little lighter perhaps it’ll work for me.”

“The swoooorrrd.”

“A beheading? Aye that’s unfortunate. With my swordhand gone, I’m afraid all I had left was my looks. Very well, whose duty will it be to rid house Lannister of its lord, hmm?”

Stoneheart hissed, and Thoros spoke, moving from the shadows to the cave entrance. “Your whore will take your head,” he said, gesturing to Brienne. “If she does, she will live.”

Brienne looked at the ground, and Jaime looked at her. She must have known. He willed her to look at him and when she did, he gave her a resolute nod, his cocky smile never leaving his face. “Very well. Lady Brienne, I seem to be on your dance card again.”

She looked at him sadly, her hand twitching around the pommel of the sword he had given her.

Jaime turned back to the ruin of Catelyn Stark. “Lady Stoneheart...is it? Much as I’d love to make a pretty farewell, I think I’d like to whisper my last words to my queen of love and beauty, as it were. Might I be granted that?

“Say your words and get on with it, Kingslayer.” Harwin spat at Jaime’s feet. “Then your whore will take your head.”

Jaime turned to Brienne and stepped close to her, close enough that he could have caught the tears running from her eyes with his cheeks. “Wench” he leaned forward and she tilted her head down automatically so that their temples rested together, their lips at each other’s ear. Jaime felt the last resistance give way as his lips brushed the shell of her ear, “I’ve told you before. I trust you. Now shield my back, Brienne.”

In a flash, Jaime’s hand was free of the rope and he had pulled his sword from Brienne’s belt and spun away from her. They backed against one another - he taking on Harwin who rushed him impulsively and lost his ear for it before losing the rest; Brienne took on Thoros, a skilled fighter in his prime, but now so reliant on magicks that he could not compete with Brienne’s strength, and she cut him down at the knee before driving her sword into his shoulder. He was dead before his face crashed into the dirt. Lady Stoneheart was roaring, though it sounded more like steam escaping a hot stone fissure. They heard running footfalls approaching - the guards.

“Jaime —”

“Brienne, go! I’ll handle her.”

Without checking to make sure she’d heard him, Jaime pushed forward and moved toward Stoneheart.

“My son named this sword for you, you know. But I hope to give it a new name soon.”

“Kingsssssslayer. Oathhhhhbreaaaakerrrr. Craaaavennnnn. Your whooooore should have killlllllled you. She haaaaaas no honoooooor.”

Jaime hefted his sword as best he could.

“Her name is Brienne. And she is the truest knight in the seven kingdoms. She has enough honor for both of us.”

“Arrrrre you so craaaaaven that you would draaaag her down with youuuuu?”

“I’m not dragging her anywhere,” Jaime said, “She’s lifting me up. She’s my redemption. I suppose I should thank you for her. I do hope your soul rests easy when she and I have found your daughters. I hope you find peace.”

“Craaaaaavennnnnn!”

She would have said more, except that Jaime’s sword finished what the Freys had started.

“Jaime.”

He spun to face Brienne. She was closer than he’d thought she’d be.

“It’s done, wench. The others?” He could see the blood spattered across her arms.

She sheathed her sword, then removed his sword belt from her waist and handed it to him.

“There may be more in the woods, I’m not sure. I have to find Pod. And I’ll have to go back for my horse.”

“We’ll find him. And then we’ll go east.”

“Jaime,” she shook her head, “you needn’t come. I can keep searching. I’m sorry for putting you in danger, I’m sorry I lied to you. Lady Catelyn was wrong, I--”

“She was wrong about a lot. But I meant what I said. I mean to fulfill our oath.”

“But your men... and your—“

“There’s nothing for me there. From now on, I am with you, if you’ll have me. We can find her, I know we can.”

She nodded slightly, her blush growing, then ducked her head and left the tent. And he followed.

[birdybirp]

Birdy’s OC: Evelyn

If you didn’t see earlier, I’m writing down everything about the OCs I have, and I’m going to compile them on my blog. I can’t draw, so I’ll be including picrews that I have made over the last year or so. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t save what picrews I used, but they give a good visual of my girls. I’m also putting most of this under a read more to not clog up everyone’s feed.

--

If you’ve found my blog from my writing, it was probably because of this girl! Evelyn and her story got way more popular than I could have expected. It’s still weird that people relate so much to my wish-fulfillment/vent fic. 

Here is Evelyn’s story: 

 Haphephobia: The Fear of Touch

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17636858

Her background has already been covered, but it’s nice to have it summarized in a place people will be able to find on my blog. So, if you need a refresher, here’s everything about World’s Best Cat Mom. 

Name: Evelyn Alliston

Race: Human

Age: 26

Birthday: July 30th

Height: 5’6”

Hair color: Dusty brown

Eye color: Green

Character color: Light brown, white, sometimes red?

Other appearance related things: Evelyn has freckles that are currently prominent because she is really pale so they stand out. She also wears her hair in a half up half down style with a bun on top. 

Backstory: (TW FOR ABUSE)

You can read the details of E’s backstory in Chapter 7 of Haphephobia (here), so this will be a brief summary.

Evelyn’s mother, Rebecca, passed away very suddenly when she was 20, leaving her business to her daughter. Without any idea how to run a business, she was deposed and replaced by her brother Jaime just two years after she had been appointed CEO. 

Feeling like she failed her mother, Evelyn packed up her things and left. She had no destination in mind. She hopped around the country for a while, thinking she’d know home when she found it. 

Then she met Patrick. 

Patrick Cole approached Evelyn outside of a coffee shop and Evelyn was head over heels in love with him from the start. Their relationship moved quickly and she moved in with him a few months into their relationship. She was running out of money, anyway. 

Patrick began to drive Evelyn to and from work and monitor everything she did and who she was with. He got more and more controlling, resorting to violence in some cases. He proposed to her in public to pressure her into agreeing. After realizing he was trying to get her pregnant, Evelyn tried to reach out to her family without any response. 

One day, two years into the relationship, Evelyn attempted to escape to a women’s shelter. Patrick found out, stabbing her in the side and shooting her in the back when she tried to leave. Patrick fled the scene, and Evelyn blacked out on the floor, thinking she was going to die. 

When she awoke in a hospital, Evelyn realized that her encounter with Patrick had left more than just physical scars. When a nurse touched her, she started screaming uncontrollably. Anything that touched her, she tried to rip off. She spent a lot of her time in the hospital sedated to keep her from hurting herself. 

When she was discharged, Evelyn was told to stay relatively close as her case would go to trial soon enough. Her brother Jaime set Evelyn up in a small house in the suburbs. The property was cheap due to no one wanting to live across the street from a Satanic church with all kinds of weird comings and goings. 

Evelyn has mostly stayed indoors. She is still afraid of any kind of human contact and keeps her body covered in baggy clothes. An old co-worker found out what happened to her and offered to help Evelyn get a pet to keep her company. She went to a shelter, assuming she’d get a dog, but fell in love with a cat with mismatched eyes named Tiberius and took him home. 

Once she brought him home, Evelyn felt a little less alone. Even if she didn’t really know how to care for a kitten, at least she had a friend. 

Fun facts about Evelyn:

She’s a good artist! She was in school for graphic design before dropping out when he mom died. She hasn’t drawn much since then, though. 

She listens to ASMR videos constantly. It drowns out anxious thoughts. Her favorites are ear cleaning and head scratching videos. 

She kept Tiberius’ name from the shelter because she thought it was cute, but has shortened it to Tibby because Tiberius is sometimes hard to say. 

What percentage of me is in Evelyn?: Evelyn is specifically me from 2014 - November 2018. Looking at when I published the first chapter of Haphephobia, I was about 3 months removed from my second abusive relationship and would continue to deal with repercussions of it until May of 2019. So she’s... 90% past me. Currently, she has some of my personality and my anxiety/depression symptoms, so she’s around 40% right now? 

Also her home is an exact recreation of my apartment from 2014 - 2016. It was really bad and I couldn’t take care of myself. There were also cockroaches and a family of mice that ate one of my cosplays but I didn’t want to make E suffer through that too.

[grimelords]

Hello I’ve finished my February playlist for you. There’s no timeline on these things anymore they just come out whenever they come out it seems. A good mix, and I’m sure there’ll be at least one thing in here you’ve never heard before that you’ll like. 

Doncamatic (feat. Daley) - Gorillaz: This song is extremely traumatic for me because they released it after Plastic Beach as a standalone single and Damon Albarn said they had a whole other album worth of songs from the Plastic Beach sessions that they were thinking about releasing with Doncamatic as the lead single that just never materialised, and the idea of Plastic Beach 2 sitting on a hard drive while we get The Now Now (The Fall 2) instead is maddening.

Portait Of A Man (live) - Marlon Williams: I feel like I've used The Secret to bring this album into existence. It's exactly what I wanted from him - no studio artifice or weird genre pigeonholing and his huge voice on full display. It's incredible and long as hell and this is definitely the highlight.

Houdini Crush - Buke & Gase: I'm in love with the structure of this song. It takes SO long to get back to the chorus. It takes about three different sections in the middle and then finally gets back there and it's so satisfying because of it. You could edit this song into a tight indie pop piece but instead it has the space to go wild and jam and it's great.

AE_LIVE_KRAKOW_200914 - Autechre: Sorry but Autechre finally put all their live albums on spotify and they're very VERY good. Not the sort of thing that you want to listen to as part of a playlist exactly cause they go for an hour each but a very nice reminder nonetheless.

Sheet Metal Girl - Pig Destroyer: I think Pig Destroyer is one of the best band names I've ever heard. I found out later they meant pigs like cops which is still good but the idea of absolutely eviscerating a hog for no reason is very palpably metal. Just looked up the lyrics and this song seems to literally about having sex with a girl made out of sheet metal. Good!

Horizon - Aldous Harding: I absolutely love this song and the way she says 'babe' lights my brain up like a christmas tree. Every now and then I think about when you’ll die baaaaabe.

Born Slippy (Nux) - Underworld: There's a good bit on the Genius page for this song that says "Lots of 1990s acts helped popularize techno, but in Karl Hyde, Underworld had something that was the exclusive province of rock bands: a totally full-of-it frontman who sounded cool." and it's interesting that Underworld and The Prodigy are the biggest names to survive that time and still be at least slightly relevant now. No matter how much you put into your instrumentals nothing can really compare to just having an insane guy yell a bunch of garbage over it.

A Change Is Going To Come - Baby Huey & The Baby Sitters: This is like all good all normal and then he does that huge squeal at 2 minutes in and you're rocked to your core and then it only gets bigger and bigger and better from there. Also maybe one of the best mid song monologues I've ever heard.

No Signal (feat. Roy Woods) - 24hrs: The whole thing of emo rap mirroring mid 2000s emo is still so strange because it's not just the mindset and content being repurposed it's the literal melodic conventions. Change the instrumentation of this song and it's melodically just an emo song. Very strange, but this song is great regardless.

De Aqui No Sales - Cap.4: Disputa - Rosalia: Rosalia rocks and I only just found out El Guincho co-produced this album which is very exciting to me. I love the way this song feels like it never really gets to the big build up it's promising. It has a big intro for about half the song and then when it feels like it's about to blow up when the handclaps come in it just sits in that groove for a while and ends. I also feel like I should mention the video for this song because it's like the platonic ideal of a music video. It's got everything you could ask for. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvGt2BcDl_g

Glass Jar - Gang Gang Dance: Here's how good brains are: I had a sudden urge to listen to this album the other day but couldn't remember what it was called or who it was by, only the album cover, but for some reason locked away in my brain was the fact that it was from 2011 so I just looked through Pitchfork's Best Of 2011 list until I recognised it. Incredible. Anyway I'm so glad I did because I ended up having a huge phase with this album. They walk the fine line of psychedelic jammy bands like this of taking up a lot of space with atmospherics but it never feeling like it's lost momentum. Even when this song takes fully half of its 11 minute runtime to properly get started it never feels like wasted time somehow, it's always moving somewhere.

Heavyweight - Infected Mushroom: It's unbelievable that this song's good because it absolutely shouldn't be. The unholy mix of goa trance and metal usually reserved for Command And Conquer soundtracks is so unbelievably naff that it's come all the way around again and I absolutely love it.

Black Static - Health: I'm still absolutely furious about Pitchfork giving this album a 3 and not particularly for the score but because it's some of the worst Pitchfork Writing I've seen in a quite a while. They tried to cancel them for calling the album Slaves Of Fear I think: "The “we,” it seems, refers to the slaves, the slaves of fear, and if I try any harder to connect the dual sensation of edginess and laziness with slavery, the all-American institution that killed and brutalized millions of people for hundreds of years, I am going to have to take a long walk into the sun." Not sure about that. Anyway this song's great sorry for talking about a review instead of the song!

Burn Bridges - The Grates: Twee pop is an underrated genre and The Grates are an underrated band because they brought so much attitude and power to it it's hardly twee at all. It's huge and it rocks!

Girlfriend (feat. Lil Mama) - Dr. Luke Mix - Avril Lavigne: Sorry for putting Dr Luke on your dash in 2019 but this is mostly for Lil Mama. Removing Avril's verses and replacing them with Lil Mama but keeping the chorus and big guitars makes it sound like a lost Girl Talk song and it's so, so much better than the original. There's also a good bit in this where she really puts a lot of emphasis on saying 'Jennifer Hudson' and the weird harmony vocals in the background mirror it which I like a lot.

Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups: It seems like Silversun Pickups had no lasting impact beyond being one hit wonders for Lazy Eye which is so strange to me because their first two albums were absolutely solid. This is also a good example of totally nonsense lyrics feeling like they have meaning because the melody it so good.

3 - Seekae: It's very strange now to think that Alex Cameron was in Seekae. But that's not important. What is important is how good this song is. In the extremely narrow genre of Mount Kimbie-ites +Dome really stood out to me as album from guys who really got it. It's extremely catchy music but it still sounds like nothing you've ever heard before which when you think about it sounds like it should be impossible.

Shooting Stars - Bag Raiders: Bag Raiders did a little Song Exploder thing for Triple J about this song a little while ago and pointed out something I'd never noticed before which is that this song has the extremely strange structure of 1 really long verse, breakdown, 1 really long chorus, end. Which is.... completely amazing. And also that this song blew up and charted higher than it ever had before via memes like 6 years after it came out is still bizarre. Remember when it was in the video for Swish Swish by Katy Perry? God I hope they got paid a million dollars for that.

Romantic Rights (Erol Alkan's Love From Below Re-Edit) - Death From Above 1979: Huge fan of this remix that seems to just drop the full song unedited right in the middle. The perfect way to remix an already great song - just make it longer.

Dwa Serduszka - Joanna Kulig: I saw Cold War and subsequently couldn't get this song out of my head. I loved that movie so much but I also extremely agreed when @cyborgbree said the ending was like a Simpsons parody or foreign movies.

Holes - Mercury Rev: This song gives me depression and makes me feel like I'm sorting through old records and merch from my old band that tried really hard but never got anywhere even though I've never even been in a band. That's the power of music!

It's Never Over (Hey Orpheus) - Arcade Fire: Reflektor is a great and underrated album and to this day I am still finding new things to love about it! Namely this song which I've never paid much attention to before but massively jumped out at me last time I listened. It's a 3 note riff but it's absolutely amazing.

Dance Your Life Away - Audiobooks: Huge fan of having the gall to name your band Audiobooks and a huge fan of this song! It sounds like if Life Without Buildings was a dance band, which is a theoretically perfect idea. It sounds like she's just making the words up on the spot and she probably is and it's absolutely great.

Everything (Deathless) - JW Ridley: I'm so glad that War On Drugs brought heartland rock back for the masses and finally gave us back extended guitar solos outside of a metal or prog context. It is so inspiring what you can do with two chords and a propulsive groove.

Unmarked Helicopters - Soul Coughing: Sorry for continually putting Soul Coughing in these playlists but check out how good this song they did for the X Files movie soundtrack was. 'check out this Soul Coughing song they did for the X Files movie soundtrack' is a very specific kind of 90s sentence. Anyway the 'black black black black and blacker' part with the distortion on the vocals is so good, love it lots.

Don't Sit Down Cause I've Moved Your Chair - Arctic Monkeys: I saw Arctic Monkeys a couple of weeks ago and it was amazing but also extra good because they played this song that I'd completely forgotten about and it went off. The Josh Homme produced Arctic Monkeys albums are very good because his fingerprints are all over them and they sound like Queens Of The Stone Age covers.

What Can I Do If The Fire Goes Out? - Gang Of Youths: It's fucked up how good this song is. I listened to it the other day and was like 'what the fuck how come I never listened to Gang Of Youths second album that much? But then I kept going and realised it was 70 minutes long and had about five interlude tracks on it. I love Gang Of Youths but they need a producer that will yell at them until they make a 40 minute album. Fuck this song's good though. So good I'm mad I haven't seen it live yet.

Shark Smile - Big Thief: I don't even know the words to this song or what it's about but it makes me cry anyway. I'm very glad I found out about Big Thief this month, like two years after everyone else. Their description on Bandcamp says "Listening to Big Thief is like the feeling of looking at a dog and suddenly marvelling that it is like you but very not like you; when you are accustomed to looking at a dog and thinking 'dog', watching Big Thief is like forgetting the word 'dog' and looking at that naked animal and getting much closer to it and how different it is to you" which is a certainly a way to feel.

Inhaler - Foals: I don't know how I've avoided it but I've never really gotten much into Foals even though they have multiple songs that I really really love, this one being one of them. I think it's an amazing piece of recording simply for how huge it gets. This song swells to about ten times its original size as the chorus hits before totally deflating again. Also a huge fan of anyone that can make a Battles riff work in a conventional song like this does.

Red Bull & Hennessy - Jenny Lewis: Another fantastic song in the long pantheon of great songs about getting twisted and being horny. The isolated 'ohh' after 'all we've been through' feels like a real Shania Twain piece of production and I love it. Also the drums on this song are absolutely massive for some reason which is very cool.​

listen here

[speakingmyself]

Today We Will Survive

Originally posted on Medium July 1, 2019

My twitter profile has changed a lot in the 10+ years that I’ve used the site, but there has always been one constant. Along with details such as my current fandom, my bio always read that I am a “proud CHD kid.” No one ever really asks me what it means and I assume a lot of people don’t know, but it’s always there.

The short version of it is that I am Congenital Heart Disease patient. This means that I was born with multiple heart defects and I have required surgeries, tests, and procedures throughout my life to repair and monitor these defects. I had 3 open heart surgeries before I was 3 years old. I’ve lived with a scar down my chest for my whole life and have learned to truly be proud of what I’ve been through.

Naturally, I don’t remember the surgeries or the hospital stays and recoveries that followed from my childhood. So when, at 29 years old, I was scheduled to have my pulmonary valve replaced, needless to say I was slightly nervous.

The process leading up to the procedure was exhausting and incredibly stressful. My doctors fully supported me having this procedure via catheter (a much less invasive, inexpensive, and easier option) whereas insurance wanted me to have open heart surgery. February 2018 was a month full of doctors appointments, waiting by the phone, and a whole lot of anxiety.

At this time, I had only been an ARMY for about 4 months. I was still learning so much about BTS and the fandom but knew I had found something special with this group of guys. During the moments when I really had to think about what I would do if I had to have surgery, their music and videos were an escape from that really overwhelming possibility.

Finally, I got the call that insurance approved the cath procedure and I was scheduled to receive my new valve on February 28th. Upon looking back at my phone from that time of year, I was reminded that the night before, as I got home from work, a truck was driving past my building at that exact moment that said “RM Construction.” I took that as a really good sign.

The following morning, I was checked in. I had been in a hospital setting so many times in my life but never like this, at least that I could remember. Knowing I’d be staying there overnight while feeling uncertainty over what’s to come was new to me, but I was trying to take it in stride. With my parents and close family friends by my side, I waited to go in and before I knew it, a doctor was reminding me that this procedure came with risks — everything from a stroke to death.

Of course, I knew they had to say that, it’s a liability thing. But that doesn’t discount the fact that it was scary to hear. I signed my name saying I understood and did everything I could to stay positive and ignore any fear I felt. So you know what I did? I listened to Not Today repeatedly. I let the lyrics of “today we will survive” and “together we won’t die” play over and over in my head. I took them very, very literally and while I knew deep down I’d be fine — I’d wake up and recover and move on — I really couldn’t help but be so comforted by the song.

Unfortunately, the recovery following the procedure was pretty awful. Leaving out some details you all probably don’t want to know, the worst of it was that I was required to lay still and flat in bed for a total of about 20 hours. I had terrible chest pains, I was so uncomfortable, and I felt so helpless. They didn’t want me to eat and sleep was not coming easy. So with my parents asleep in the chairs across the room, I spent the night watching BTS videos on my phone, letting their music, dance, stories, and visuals do their best to distract me from the discomfort and pain. It got me through the most unpleasant night of my life.

The next morning, just as we were packing up at the hospital to go home, Hope World was released. I spent the car ride laying in the backseat with Hobi’s positivity and joy for life playing in my ears and it felt like such a great conclusion to the experience. It was a light at the end of the tunnel.

I spent about 2 more weeks recovering at home and it was an opportunity to dive in further into BTS. Anytime I felt restless, lonely, or overwhelmed, their music was a comfort. And 15 months later, when I saw them at Soldier Field in Chicago and they performed Not Today, I couldn’t help but jump around and sing my heart out with so much joy and gratitude. Even though I was feeling that fear in the hospital for a short amount of time, it felt like hours. But Not Today kept me positive and truly made me feel like everything was going to be okay. It still does.

A big reason for sharing this story, along with spreading the love for BTS, was to also raise awareness for CHD. I’ve lived with this my whole life and so do millions of others around the world. (CHD affects about 1 in every 120 births in the US). I’d love to know if there are other ARMYs out there with CHD, or maybe if any of you know anyone who has lived with this.

I will end this with once again saying I am so grateful to be a fan of a band that has such relatable, powerful lyrics. A band that truly helps me relax when things are hard. I know that no matter what, I was going to come out okay from that procedure, but having a song feel so comforting amongst the anxiety and uncertainty, really meant so much.

[orbemnews]

Pandemic babies: New Midstate parents miss traditions, face changing guidelines during pregnancies Ontario has now joined 3 other provinces in prioritizing COVID-19 vaccinations for pregnant women. There were moments when being pregnant during the ongoing coronavirus pandemic was just plain awkward. Lockdown orders were issued about a month after Jessica Poe found out she and her husband, Justin, were expecting. The Lower Frankford Township couple saw few people outside of immediate family and close friends, and Jessica was only visible from the chest up in Zoom meetings with committees and co-workers, which presented a dilemma. Do you randomly announce at a meeting that you’re pregnant? Do you mention it in an email? “It’s something that naturally speaks for itself when you’re in person,” she said. The pandemic disrupted the common experiences of pregnancy. Baby showers were canceled or held virtually. Spouses weren’t allowed to attend doctor’s appointments. Changing guidelines added an air of uncertainty to an already anxious time. And some moms-to-be felt so alone. Christian Perry II, son of Nakia and Christian Perry, will celebrate his first birthday June 1. Submitted photo Changing guidelines “Everything just feels like a blur. This past year went so fast and so slow at the same time,” Nakia Perry said. Nakia and her husband, Christian, found they were expecting in early October 2019. The early, less frequent visits to the doctor proceeded as normal for the Lancaster couple. The lockdown began, though, as the frequency of the visits picked up. Christian could no longer allowed to go along, and Nakia could not use FaceTime for him to be there virtually or record video to watch later. By that time, Christian said he had been at the big appointments where parents hear the baby’s heartbeat and find out the gender. “It was the smaller, more frequent appointments that I wasn’t able to be part of,” he said. Jessica and Justin, too, had a mixed bag on doctor’s visits. “There were two or three that I was in the parking lot, waiting,” he said. “It was another half-hour of suspense.” Timing could mean the world during a pandemic pregnancy. For Jessica, the in-depth ultrasound normally scheduled at 20 weeks had to be delayed by two weeks. In that two weeks, the guidelines changed. At 20 weeks, Justin would not have been allowed to attend. At 22 weeks, he could. “I can’t imagine being in that one alone,” Jessica said. What the Poes experienced wasn’t unusual. Dr. Chavone Momon-Nelson, a Carlisle obstetrician and gynecologist, said that early in the pandemic only the patient could enter the office for visits. “At times that provided not a little bit of stress, but that was a lot of stress for patients,” she said. As the COVID case numbers dropped going into the summer, the office allowed one support person to enter the office for appointments, but that changed again when the fall surge of cases hit. At any given moment, the best Momon-Nelson could do was tell a patient what the guidelines were for both office visits and for delivery at the hospital at that time and warn them that the guidelines could change on a dime. “Most patients understood that,” she said. “Sometimes the significant others could not be at the appointments and sometimes they could be at the appointments.” The office incorporated telemedicine into the practice as part of their “creative scheduling” to reduce the number of people in the office, Momon-Nelson said. “That’s part of taking the lemons from COVID and making lemonade,” she said. “Telemedicine was something that was being used within health care, but with COVID-19 and this pandemic, it really pushed the envelope of how we could use telemedicine to our advantage.” The advent of telemedicine marked a difference between the first and second pregnancies for Carlisle’s Hilary Masland Comeau. In July, Hilary and her husband, Jared, found out they were expecting their second child and she immediately called the doctor to schedule her first appointment. With their first son, Walden who is now 2, that visit was in the office at around seven or eight weeks. This time, there was a Zoom call at eight weeks and an in-person visit at 10 weeks that seemed to Hilary to be longer than she remembered from the first pregnancy. “It was almost like a double appointment since they didn’t see me earlier on,” she said. From the start, Hilary went solo to the appointments. She said that might have been harder for some, but she expected to have some of them on her own anyway since her husband is a teacher. The hard ones were the “big appointments” like the 20-week ultrasound. “That one was more of a lonely appointment. Otherwise, it didn’t impact me too much,” she said. Henry Poe, son of Jessica and Justin Poe, was born only weeks before the fall surge that saw COVID-19 cases reach their highest levels during the pandemic. Tammie Gitt Missing traditions Being pregnant during COVID meant no special maternity photo shoots and no baby showers unless it was done virtually. Even the classes that are offered to soon-to-be parents were affected by the pandemic. The Perrys signed up for everything, including classes on CPR, breast feeding and labor procedure. The classes were replaced with links to information. “We were expecting to be able to bond with other young parents. As you can imagine, we were very nervous and this class was to put us at ease and provide the information that we were looking for, and it all got canceled,” Nakia said. Classes were also canceled for the Poes, but they were given a Zoom option. “It was nice that they adapted and offered that to us. Definitely different,” Jessica said. “I’m sure it would have been a different experience if we could have gone in person.” The couples were also cautious about their own exposure to COVID during pregnancy. When shopping for baby items, Jessica read reviews and ordered online rather than evaluating items in a store. Nakia said she and Christian basically went into isolation out of concerns that a bout with COVID would affect her lung capacity and, by extension, not give the baby the oxygen he needed. “We didn’t do all of the things that we thought would happen in our first normal pregnancy,” she said. “COVID was so new and everyone didn’t know how it was spreading at first. We just didn’t want to risk my health or the baby’s health because of it.” Hilary missed the human interactions from being pregnant in the workplace, like quick talks over coffee when people would acknowledge the baby bump. “I felt like I was kind of hiding in my house with the second,” she said. Hilary Masland Comeau, her husband, Jared, and son Walden welcomed Hugo in March. Submitted Support Local Journalism Your membership makes our reporting possible. featured_button_text Arrivals The ebbs and flows of the waves of the pandemic meant families couldn’t be sure what the rules at the hospital might be when the big day came. “What rules were in place in February might be different in March or April,” said Hilary, who was due in April. “It was hard to say what exactly I would be faced with.” Christian and Nakia welcomed their son, Christian, on June 1. At the time, the state began lifting lockdowns, but restrictions were still in place at Lancaster General Hospital. Nakia went through the first two and a half hours of labor by herself while the hospital ran tests, including a COVID test. “That’s not how I imagined the beginning of my delivery experience,” Nakia said. For Christian, the waiting was the hardest part. As a first-time dad, he said, your mind is racing anyway. You’re anxious and you don’t know exactly what’s going on — and you have to sit in the parking lot. “You’re driving as fast as you can to get to the hospital and then, once you get there, it’s a waiting game,” he said. “With everything that’s going on right now and I had to sit in my car and wait to be able to go in.” Once Christian came into the hospital, he had to stay until their son and Nakia were discharged. If he left, he would not have been allowed to return. The restrictions also prevented Nakia and Christian’s mothers from being in the hospital. Both women had multiple children, and Nakia hoped to have them in the room to watch for the warning signs of the complications that affect Black women during pregnancy. “I think I would have felt more at ease if our mothers who went through this were there,” she said. She wasn’t alone. Momon-Nelson also saw Black patients who were concerned that their support system would not be able to be at the hospital. Black women experience complications at a rate significantly higher than that of their white counterparts, including risk of death, postpartum hemorrhage, preeclampsia and preterm birth, Momon-Nelson said. “When we acknowledge that there is an issue, we acknowledge that Black women die from pregnancy-related complications three to four times that of white women. We look at Black women as a potential complication in itself,” she said. Michele Breneman, a NICU nurse at UPMC Harrisburg, said they did see some cases in which a baby was born to a mother who was positive for COVID. Protocols were set up to transport the newborn to the NICU through a closed system to prevent exposure to the rest of the hospital. In those cases, the mother was not allowed to see the baby for 10 days if she was not showing symptoms. If she was symptomatic, that time was extended to 20 days. In one case, the mother was in the ICU with a severe case of COVID, resulting in an emergency C-section. Doctors, respiratory therapists, NICU staff and other medical personnel came together to know exactly what they had to do to protect the child. “We really had to think outside the box to make sure we had the best care and safe care for the baby in that situation,” Breneman said. Parents of babies in the NICU were allowed to visit their children at anytime, provided they were not positive for COVID, she said. After her son, Hugo, was born on March 28, Hilary couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital. She wanted to introduce Hugo to his big brother and she missed the visits from family members that had broken up the day when she was in the hospital with her first son. Hilary and Jared asked to leave early, and were permitted to do so. “We rushed our time in the hospital because we didn’t have visitors. It made us feel like we were ready to leave early,” she said. Though visitors were allowed to drop off gifts for Nakia and Christian, they were not allowed to enter. “That was the biggest thing, just not being able to share that moment and have the visitors come that usually would have come,” Christian said. Jessica and Justin, however, welcomed the time alone with their newborn. “I didn’t think that was a negative thing,” Justin said. “We were able to have privacy and give full attention to the doctors and everything.” Momon-Nelson said it’s possible that the new normal in a post-COVID world will continue to limit visitors. “Having a whole bunch of people in and out of the hospital. Is that necessarily the best thing? Is that necessarily the best thing for Mom, baby and even Dad as they’re trying to really bond with their new baby?” she said. Jessica and Justin Poe pose with their son, Henry, who was born in October 2020. Submitted Looking ahead The new parents proceeded with caution after taking their newborns home. For Christian and Nakia that meant making sure his grandparents were masked when they came to visit. Jessica and Justin made sure to bundle up their son to take him outside for visits with family. Both families kept to themselves at a time when they might otherwise have been celebrating their new arrivals. Jessica saw the time as a bit of a break for a new mom. “The first month you’re just so overwhelmed with everything anyway so you’re not even thinking about going out,” she said. “It’s kind of nice that you don’t even have the pressure to do anything.” That isolation, though, has not been a positive for some new moms. Momon-Nelson has been concerned about rising issues with mental health among expectant and new mothers, especially post-partum. Quarantines and social distancing meant that the mothers or grandmothers who would have been there to help and provide support in those exhausting days could not be there. “A lot of patients were feeling a lot of stress and anxiety because with COVID it was the unknown,” she said. “With COVID, it wasn’t really sure who was going to be available to come to the hospital and who could be there and who could not be there.” Noting that vaccines are the “passport” to opening up, Momon-Nelson said the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology says women who are pregnant and breastfeeding are safe to get the COVID vaccine regardless of whether it’s the Moderna, Pfizer or Johnson & Johnson vaccine. A recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine included preliminary information from the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines showing there were no neonatal deaths as a result of the vaccinations. “Overall, these vaccines are safe in pregnancy. I wouldn’t necessarily say recommended, but they are safe,” she said. She said she spends time at every visit talking to her patients and answering their questions about the vaccine, and supporting their decision either way. “I want them to make a decision for their health based off of facts and not based off of fear or some conspiracy,” she said. Hilary, who was vaccinated while pregnant, is hoping Hugo is developing the antibodies first through the vaccine itself and now through breastfeeding. Other than that, she doesn’t hold any additional concerns for her second child in regards to the pandemic. “I’m probably concerned the same amount I was with my first child in that I want people just to be smart and wash their hands and follow those simple rules,” she said. With vaccinations on the rise and cases of COVID-19 declining, the families are venturing out. They’ve been going to parks, taking walks and slowly, cautiously introducing their little ones to the world. As with everything for these pandemic babies, timing is the difference-maker. Jessica and Justin are hoping the pandemic continues to subside through the summer to give them a chance at a first birthday party for Henry. Christian and Nakia were hoping for the same with Christian, but with only a few weeks until the big day, they don’t think it will happen this year. “In my mind, I thought that COVID would not have lasted this long. I’m sure a lot of people thought that,” she said. Nakia and Christian Perry sit with their son, Christian, who was born during the COVID-19 pandemic. submitted Email Tammie at tgitt@cumberlink.com. Follow her on Twitter @TammieGitt. Sign up now to get the most recent coronavirus headlines and other important local and national news sent to your email inbox daily. 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