#the guilt has been really bad this year and i found myself going but what if i unblock and made myself sing gloria

[happywitch416]

Trying to summom enough fucks for the day. I have to call and get mine and Moose's insurance straightened out because we are set to lose it on the 31st because the mail never delivered my fuckin paperwork apparently. Landlord is coming to change the furnace filter at point between 8 and 5. Gotta bake cookies for this weekend, that thankfully I had the sense to make the dough earlier in the week. And I still haven't gotten a gift for my nephew which was sprung on us last minute* and I don't want to go near the toddler section of any fuckin store ever.

My plan for the day had been rest and game while I bake but alas. The adulting never stops. I want a fuckin refund. Like sure its better than being the kid I was but I was under the impression I'd have more fun being old!

[pepprs]

ok two things. #1 i am IMPOSSIBLY exhausted. just took a nap for a couple hours and have been awake for a bit but i feel like ivr been whacked like a punching bag like good god. and #2 is gonna have to make me delete this post later bc i feel weird and bad and paranoid abt saying it lol but. it’s just fucking weird and bad kinda bc im literally 2 years older than / removed from the students who work closest with us rn (who i spent most of today tabling w) and it’s so awkward bc we’re at the same-ish life stages and ik we totally would’ve been friends if we’d gone thru the same programs together as students but they ignore me / don’t and can’t talk to me like we’re friends bc im a staff member and my attempts to talk to them are lame and weird so idk. it’s just a lot and stressful and sobering

[underskz]

➪ LET'S SEE WHO HURTS THE OTHER MORE

➪ seo changbin x cisfem!reader ✩ w.c 3.2k (➪ cheater!choi yeonjun x same reader) — NSFW ✩ 18+ minors dni —

✰ NON-IDOL AU

pov: sick of your boyfriend's lies and infidelity, you've finally decided on your parting gift to both him and yourself...in the form of one of his best friends.

note: uhh i rlly can't explain myself on this one,, i've been listening to too many sad songs and my brain said write a cheating revenge plot fic and write it now >:) so here i am uhhh, going for it... sorry yeonjun ! (i'm not rlly that sorry lmao) also has anyone else noticed that i keep writing for 99s idols,,, even tho they’re not my biases… anywayz the title is from war by keshi lol

warnings: CHEATING like all around everyone's a cheater (except changbin but he's willingly sleeping w his bestie's gf so...), and isn't reader entitled to this 100% valid crash out ?? (i'm kidding...or am i???), toxic relationship, toxic behavior, unsafe sex (no condoms), spit (and a dream) as lube, bad language, slight manipulation from reader but changbin lets it happen lmao (might be a lil into it even), yeonjun is the worst in this….but it’s for the plot!!! i swear !!!!, open/ambiguous ending, excessive use of ellipses bc im dramatic :)

“I’m sorry.”

At least Changbin has the decency to look ashamed, the guilt of covering up for his friend’s transgressions clearly having eaten away at him. He keeps his head low, intent on pretending one of the cracks on the kitchen tiles requires all his attention. 

For a moment you consider throwing him out, screaming at him to never come back and to tell Yeonjun to fuck himself into the next century. 

There’s a part of you that wants to blame Changbin, because if he was gonna turn around and confess Yeonjun’s infidelity anyway, why didn’t he stop him? 

Instead you inhale slowly, exhaling as evenly as you possibly can and swallow down the venom building on the tip of your tongue.

“It’s okay, Bin.” And his head finally snaps up, shocked by your lack of surprise and borderline disinterest. Again you swallow back any scathing comments, a certain numbness swirls through your chest as a dull throbbing in the back of your skull threatens a headache.

“W-What?” He dares to meet your eyes for a second before pinning his gaze somewhere over your shoulder.

“I know, I mean I’ve known. And I know it wasn’t a one time thing.” You sigh, and a part of you wishes that your boyfriend hadn’t trapped his friends in his lies as well. 

“You knew Yeonjun was…” He clears his throat harshly.

“Cheating? Yeah, and I guess he hasn't really considered stopping, or at least being subtle about it. And after all those fights and promises to change..I don’t even know what I see in him.” It’s the truth, still unsure why you’ve bothered plodding along in this relationship after catching Yeonjun stepping out on you almost four months ago. 

You had found him in the alleyway of a club after he drunkenly called begging for you to come pick him up, only to see him wrapped up in a disgusting lip lock with some other woman with his hands shamelessly wandering. 

He hadn’t even apologized, just mumbled over and over again about how he was so drunk, how he thought it was you. At the time you chose to believe it, at the time you still loved him.

But now it’s different, now you’re left wondering how much more you can take, or why you can’t just end it.

Maybe it’s a fear of loneliness, or the pains of having to untangle your life from his after spending almost four years tying them together. Whatever it is, the strings have finally begun to fray, and the last remnants of that naive thought of him changing disappeared the moment Changbin stepped foot into your apartment with that kicked puppy look to him.

And now here you are, staring at your boyfriend’s proclaimed “ride or die”, in all honesty if you were to expect any of Yeonjun’s friends to fess up to the man’s wrongs for him, Changbin wouldn’t have been your first guess. He might be principled and righteous to a fault, but this is a man who would help Yeonjun hide a body no questions asked; morals be damned. 

You wonder what the tipping point was, wonder what Yeonjun could’ve done this time around that made Changbin force himself to make that choice. 

“How long?” You purse your lips, because even then you had doubted it was the first time, Yeonjun’s lies losing their efficacy somewhere between the third and fourth time you caught him fabricating his whereabouts— and who he was with.

“Um, well.” His eyes begin darting around once more. 

“The least you can do is be honest with me…he hasn’t been.” You cross your arms in a poor attempt of trying to brace yourself for whatever Changbin will say. Though your feelings for Yeonjun are practically nonexistent at this point, it wouldn’t make finding out more about his betrayal hurt any less.

“I think the first time was, ah well, it was…” You watch as he clenches and unclenches his fist, clearly conflicted, the morally righteous side barely able to push past his fierce loyalty to his friend. 

“Changbin, please.” You sigh, teeth digging into your bottom lip while making your eyes wide just so they’ll begin to water. If Changbin needs you to look like the heartbroken girlfriend to find his voice then so be it.

“Last year, when you were back visiting family…Wooyoung had this party and…”

His words seem to fade away, whisking through one ear and out the other. A year, an entire year of him lying to your face. You feel sick, used up and disgusted at the way you’ve been played like a damn fiddle. Like you’ve meant nothing to him and that all those years you spent in love with him— completely wasted.

Your knees start to buckle, a weak and nauseating feeling twisting in your stomach and Changbin in all his gentlemanly glory quickly catches you, dragging you into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I should’ve said something earlier.” His voice cracks, as if he’s the one who’s so despicably wronged you, and you could laugh. It shouldn't be Changbin here with his arms around you, apologizing like his life depends on it. "I-Is there anything I can do?"

It's said so softly you almost don't catch it, and the thought that bursts into your head is so sudden —and rather devious— that it almost doesn't feel like yours. You decide to blame Yeonjun for whatever happens next.

Because there’s a lot that Changbin can do.

"Just...keep holding me." The words come out shakier than you expected, thankful for how tightly he’s holding you, keeping you from falling apart completely. You try to breath slowly, deep inhales and exhales that fill your senses with Changbin’s cologne, the warmth radiating off of him soothing your nerves.

"Yeah, uh, okay...yeah I can do that." He inhales sharply. "Do you wanna sit?"

"Sure." The affirmation coming out as a defeated sigh. And carefully, as if he knows you'll shatter at any moment— he guides you to the couch, letting you sit before settling beside you and slinging an arm around your shoulders.

You let your head fall back, resting upon a firm bicep as you try to make sense of the last few minutes. You consider your options, debating on just how far you’re willing to go in the name of revenge. 

It's not fair to drag Changbin further into this, not when Yeonjun has already done a fine job of testing his friend's moral compass— but at the same time the man has been complicit in these lies for a year, looking you in the eyes and laughing with you as if there was nothing amiss. Maybe Yeonjun wasn't the only one who needed to suffer consequences.

But if anything, in some twisted way, this could be a reward for Changbin’s honesty, a thank you and even a favor done for you as a proper apology.

So you inch closer, moving until you're practically seated in Changbin's lap while you wrap your arms around his waist and bury your face into the crook of his neck, stilling as he stiffens in your hold. 

For a moment you wonder if you moved too fast. But not even a second later he relaxes, tightening the arm that's already around your shoulders and bringing up his other to run his hand comfortingly up and down your back. 

You let yourself melt into him, a tight coil in your chest starting to unravel. It's concerning how safe you feel, seated in the lap of your cheating boyfriend's best friend, maybe your sense of right and wrong and love and affection has been all screwed up courtesy of one Choi Yeonjun.

Yet you’re only allowed to revel in this moment for what feels like only a few minutes, too distracted by the warmth to even think of your next move, of how far you'll go.

Changbin starts to shift under you, his hands retracting and you can't help the needy whine that sounds in your throat. You could care less if it sounds desperate, you're vulnerable after all.

"Bin please, you said you'd hold me."

"I should go." His voice is hoarse, and you pull back just enough to see his eyes darting back between you and the door. "Didn't you say Yeonjun was coming by later?"

"I said he might." And Yeonjun said he would, but you doubted it, these days his promises fell through more often than not. "Who knows anymore, he's probably fucking some other bitch or looking for one." 

He frowns at that, and you're unsure if it's your harshness or disappointment over the fact you're most likely right.

"It's just that, I don't think...we should…I should go." He makes a weak attempt to push you off of him, stopping the moment you grab his wrists.

"But I don't want you to." Immediately releasing your hold on him, his hands hover, unsure of whether or not to drop them or to continue holding you.

"Yeonjun is, he's still my friend..." Changbin says carefully.

"And I'm not?" It's not like the two of you met because of Yeonjun, in fact you met Yeonjun through Changbin and a few other mutual friends back during university. But maybe that's what was making him so unsure, the social repercussions. The risk of everything falling apart as if Yeonjun didn’t create this. "I mean...I guess if you really wanna go Bin, I won't...force you to stay."

And slowly you let your eyes crawl up, peering through your lashes as you worry your bottom lip with your teeth before soothing it with your tongue. With a sharp inhale he follows the movement with his eyes, one of his hands thoughtlessly landing on your thigh. 

"We shouldn't." His fingers tighten for half a second, eyes darkening by a fraction. 

"Shouldn't what? We're not doing anything?" You lean in closer, and closer, until your lips are a measly inch away from each other. "Unless you think we should be?" 

He swears under his breath, your name following closely before he seals his lips against yours. And maybe a touch too desperately you scramble to rearrange yourself in his lap, moving until you're straddling his thick thighs and gripping onto his muscled shoulders.

"This is, it’s wrong?" There’s a strain in his words; but it’s barely a question, and one posed more for himself than you.

"You're comforting me, you're being a good friend and comforting me." You drag your lips across his jaw, trying not to grin as he tightly grips at your hips. "I'm hurting, make me feel better?"

"Are you sure?" You meet his gaze, the intention of not wanting to take advantage of your supposed vulnerable state clear in his eyes, because Changbin is (to some degree) a decent man.

"I need you." You keep your voice low, running your hands down his chest before dragging one up to run your fingers through his hair. "Please?"

You tilt your head, watching as he swallows down whatever reservations he has. He looks over you carefully, leaving you to try to not squirm under an unfamiliar intensity in his eyes.

"Fuck, okay yeah I've got you." His fingers slip under the hem of your shirt, a gravelly tone overtaking his words. “I’ll make you feel better, the best.” 

And maybe he’s thought about it before, whether it was before you and Yeonjun started your (now regrettable) relationship, or if this was something he had been holding close, a secret that would’ve torn him and Yeonjun’s friendship apart– maybe it’s why he barely put up a fight. 

His lips are back on yours, still tentative and a little stiff but you didn’t mind, if anything your ministrations are a mirror image. Unlike some people, you’ve been loyal in your relationship and the nerves of kissing someone new after all this time was beginning to ricochet through your body, your heartbeat turning into a frantic staccato.

“Bin.” You rasp, not sure what you’re trying to say or maybe ask.

“I told you, I’ve got you.” He tugs off his hoodie then shirt before pulling off yours, goosebumps chasing after where his hands trail along your exposed skin. He manages to make quick work of your clothes, stopping you from helping in any way and allowing you to admire the way his muscles jump and move as he undresses you.

He keeps you in his lap, now stripped bare while he sits in his gray sweats with a less than conspicuous tent forming in them. You feel your mouth dry with anticipation, with nerves.

“Kiss me.” And he obeys, licking into your mouth eagerly, whatever hesitation held before long gone. It’s easy falling into Changbin’s ministrations, soothing in a way you can’t explain, and most of all, thrilling to be so craved. 

You press yourself against him, unable to stifle the shiver at the sensation of heated skin against heated skin, delighting in the way he kneads his calloused fingers up your thighs. Your mind races with anticipation, trying not to let the fact it’s been weeks, maybe closer to months since you’ve gotten any action.

Before you can even register it, he’s pushing you away, maneuvering you until your back is against his chest and your legs are forced to fall apart as they land on either side of his.

“Better this way.” He grunts, a hand coming up to cup at your breast while the other drags up your inner thigh. 

“Changbin.” You snake a hand back until you're gripping the back of his head, dragging him forward enough to catch his bottom lip with your teeth. “Hurry.”

Mercifully he wastes no time, bringing thick fingers up to your mouth and obediently your lips fall open. Pinning your gaze to his you make a show of flattening your tongue against his digits and dragging the muscle upwards oh so slowly. 

“Fucking, you-”

He interrupts himself, lips diving forward to meet yours, his tongue shoving into your mouth with reckless abandon. He swallows down each and every little moan and whine he draws out of you.

But with far more finesse his fingers press against your entrance, deftly circling and coaxing. At long last, he presses a single digit inside of you, slowly yet insistent; he’s surprisingly attentive, waiting for and listening to each demand of your body as he explores you so languidly.

“Faster, faster.” You’re not above begging, not here and definitely not now, bucking your hips to try and make him hear your pleas.

His other arm snakes around your waist, tightening just enough to keep you flush against him and barely able to move. 

“Let me take care of you.” He chases the words with a peck to your cheek and It’s startlingly nice, the words and affection almost unfamiliar. Maybe your relationship has long since fizzled out, unable to remember the last time someone had been this gentle and mindful during sex.

If you didn’t know better you’d think Changbin might be in love with you.

The thought melts away the moment he pushes two of his fingers into you, gasping at the sudden stretch but thankful for him picking up the pace.

You feel like putty in his hands, enjoying the tension in your shoulders being replaced by that telltale tension deep in your belly. Each drag of his fingers has you melting further into him, letting yourself be consumed as you sigh his name. 

Annoyingly he retracts his fingers, placating the whine in your throat with a quick kiss to your pulsepoint. He helps you shift in his lap, until you’re facing each other once more and you’re left trying not to melt under his fiery gaze.

Your eyes flutter down his chest, until you’re looking directly at the now blatant tent in his sweats. You bite back a groan.

“Oh.” You move to straddle him properly, adjusting so there’s just enough room between your bodies that you can hook your fingers into the waistband of his pants and with a little assistance you manage to free his cock from the cotton confines.

You hook your nails into the meat of his shoulder, grinning when he winces as your other hand comes down to press his cock against your dripping cunt. 

“Shit, hold on, condom?” He looks a little sad to ask, likely annoyed by the extra step.

“No, m’clean I got tested…haven’t even, oh!” He nips at your throat. “…Haven’t let him touch me, you?”

“I’m good.” And you trust him, despite it all you don’t mind trusting Changbin. Besides, there’s plenty of things you’re regretting right now, what’s another for down the road? Though you highly doubt you’ll regret anything and everything Changbin could do to you.

“C’mon then pretty, ride me.” He brings his hands under the backs of your thighs, offering support but making no move to help you any further.

You tease your hole against the head of his cock, tongue caught between your teeth as you slowly begin to sink down. A stifling heat starts to curl through you, searing through your limbs and cutting across your face and building a sweat across your brow.

“Fuck! You’re so fuckin’ big, ah!” And maybe while Yeonjun beats Changbin out in length, he can’t begin to compare in girth.

The moment you’re fully seated on his cock you take a second to come to terms with the fact you're being split in two, the thickness unprecedented and dizzying and it takes every fiber of your being to not cum immediately. You squeeze your eyes shut, the hand settled on his shoulder tightening until your knuckles go white. 

Changbin takes this as an invitation to pepper kisses along your chest, letting his teeth graze along your shoulder and tongue dance across your throat. You find yourself relaxing under his attention, embarrassingly soothed in a few measly seconds by his lips against your skin. 

“Sexy.” He has the audacity to wink at you, and a weak chuckle escapes you as you wiggle your hips just enough to force a choked moan out of the both of you.

But it’s enough to have you brace yourself, not wanting to waste anymore time, hands coming down to grip at his solid forearms to bring yourself up an inch and sink back down. It sends a shock up your spine and you repeat the motion, again and again. 

You gather your energy, testing your leg strength today and properly starting to bounce on his cock, letting wanton moans and desperate whines fall freely from your lips.

“S’good, so damn good for me.” He grinds out. “You like fucking me more? Huh?”

You're hypnotized by the look in his eyes, always fascinated by the way that Changbin has always been candid with his emotions, how easy he can be to read when he puts down his shields. And now you have a front row view to a smoldering lust burning bright in those brown eyes, leaving you to wonder if it’s always been there. 

“Yes, yes, yes.” You tug at his arms, silently begging for more, until his hands move to grip at your waist. “It’s better, better with y-you, Bin.”

“He’s so damn stupid, you’re so fuckin’ perfect, baby.” Ruthlessly he quickens the pace, forcing you towards the edge. Your vision starts to go a little fuzzy, that unmistakable tightness coiling in your belly becoming almost unbearable. 

“O-Oh fuck, Changbin!” Pleasure tears through you, a few borderline painful steps past mindblowing and you wonder if you passed out for a second. 

Faintly you hear the telltale click of the front door opening. 

[akirathedramaqueen]

No, I am not done with Western Energy yet, and I am not sorry

I. Just. Can't. With those parallels.

Just look at that! I am sure bunch of people already pointed that, but Hell knows it makes me think a lot about this shift.

Murder Family

[Blitzø]: Stolas, this is really a bad time!

[Stolas]: Mm, when isn't it a bad time, Blitzy?

Stolas *knows* Blitzø is in danger. There could've been a room for speculation, if it wasn't for the next exchange:

[Blitzø]: What is it?!

[Stolas]: I've been meaning to follow-up on our last little conversation regarding my grimoire.

[Blitzø]: What did you just call me?!

[Stolas]: My book, Blitzy. The book I was given to do my job. That I've allowed you to use to do yours.

*gunshot*

[Blitzø]: Shit!

[Stolas]: Anyhoo, I have been thinking... You know I've been permitting you to access the mortal realm less than legally for some time now? But I do need it back to fulfill my duties. I was thinking; what if we worked out some kind of an exchange? Favors for favors... Doesn't that sound...

*gunshot*

[Stolas]: ...enticing?

[Blitzø]: You gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay? I am trying to concentrate to not getting FUCKED IN MY A *gunshot*

I will omit the rest, as it won't add much to the point (if you've seen the show, you know the conversation doesn't stop here), but you can draw some conclusions from the dynamic:

Stolas sees Blitzø in projection. Gunshots do not give any chance for the wrong interpretation. He knows imp is getting chased.

Stolas takes his time to get to the point, speaks slowly, as if playing with Blitzø, with his life even, and he enjoys that. He knows Blitzø can't turn him down as imp is on a hook.

Blitzø is clear that he would like to pass on the call for the better time, but Stolas keeps him on the line. Blitzø is clear that Stolas needs to get to the point because he is about to get killed, and Stolas, although does that, is still slow in speech, playful, and demeaning towards him.

Overall, Stolas does not care about Blitzø being safe at the beginning of the series. You can also get from that convo that he crosses boundaries without guilt, and if he was able to jeopardise life of his potential lover, it's not surprise at all that he is demeaning, creepy with overly sexual talks at inappropriate times, and does not take Blitzø's offence as something to care about (I don't think Blitzø was called by his name properly at least once in the 1st season, but I have to check), as shown in later episodes. Stolas is abusing power and knows he will get away with it, because Blitzø has nowhere to go and has to put with it.

Western Energy

[Blitzø]: It's really not a good time, buddy...

[Stolas]: I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy, but, um...

[Stolas]: I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch.

You see the parallel, right? Right?!

I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy.

The first time we heard that, he wasn't sorry. He was dismissive.

Mm, when isn't it a bad time, Blitzy?

And the situation... Stolas is literally getting kidnapped, and finds time to ask an apology for calling at wrong time. *Again*.

Let's look at another piece of conversation:

[Moxxie]: That's Striker, sir!

[Blitzø]: Oh, for fuck's sake! Can't you just get away? Aren't you powerful?

[Stolas]: I believe he has me bound with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself I'm afraid. So I think you should come save me.

[Blitzø]: Oh, shit, Stolas, I can't today, alright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies S.H.O.T. It takes years to book an appointment at that place, it took me five to get this one... and she's doing a lot of field work, so you know, she needs it...

[Stolas]: Oh, ha-ha, well, I do agree that is very important... but I-

We know the rest. The phone is taken away by Striker, and the conversation is interruped. We also know that Stolas gets a sudden realisation that he is in danger, which gives a hint that before he didn't recognise the situation quite as serious.

You see the shift that happened?

Stolas apologises for taking Blitzø's time, despite being in imminent danger. He went from total dismissive to total apologetic and even evasive.

Stolas takes into account Blitzø's reasons, and admits their importance.

This time Blitzø is the one who talks more, but he is on point the whole time and generally sounds uneasy, understanding that this time this is, despite being the bad time, very important. As we know, after the conversation he rushes in, before agreeing with Moxxie and Millie for them to go instead.

And why is so?

I find it very interesting that the similar phrase was used in so different contexts. In the comparison, the power dynamic simply has flipped.

Stolas was the one who needed attention, and Blitzø was the one who was asked for help.

The first time around, Stolas needed attention as well, but his matter was so diminutive and Blitzø's problems at the moment were so serious, it was simply disrecpectful, to say the least.

The second time, his request is to literally save his life, and he apologises, puts Blitzø's interest higher than his. He now feels like he is a burden, a nuisance in Blitzø's life, not wanting to disturb him at all. The connection that holds them became so fragile, because Stolas realises he has nothing to offer besides power, and from that sole conversation it becomes clear that he now avoids using it against imp even on the verge of being hurt.

Stolas's attitude shifted from dominant to apologetic, he went from assertive to frightened, and, as Blitzø's importance in his life grew, so grew Stolas, giving us hope for his redemption, but also showing how insecure he really was all the time.

So much for the regal title and eldritch powers, if you can't hold onto a meaningful relationship with the one you care for.

[cantareincminor]

Round 2: Fandom Wrapped (Writer Edition) 2024!

Thanks again to @kattyelf for the template. A blank one can be found at @twiyorbase for anyone who wants to do their own!

Detailed reflections under the cut.

This is a long, introspective post. Forgive me if I sound self-absorbed in all this reflection.

The past year has been a unique one. The last long fic I completed was more than ten years ago in the Aladdin fandom. I dabbled in shorter, more stream-of-consciousness fics after that, but hadn’t written or posted a fic since 2016. Then I got into Spy x Family in 2022, devoured tons of fics, and slowly, nervously considered writing again.

There were many reasons I stopped writing. Being busy with real life responsibilities, naturally. I got married and had kids. I had a highly stressful career. With so little time on my hands, I feared that if I tried to write after such a long hiatus, the result would be stilted and disappointing, and I would have “wasted” my precious free time feeling shittier about myself. I’ve had some version of this mindset my entire life: if I can’t do something well, then I shouldn’t bother.

I have @whateversawesome to thank for encouraging me to try my hand at writing again. After the mole hunt arc was published, an idea struck me quite suddenly—what if Yuri had died or been critically injured in Shellbury? How would Twilight deal with that guilt and how would the identity reveals unfurl in such an extreme scenario? Could Yor ever forgive him? 

For months I shied away from writing it. To do the idea justice, I knew it would have to be a long, complex fic. And I continued to have mixed feelings about my last long fic in the Aladdin fandom—regretting parts of the premise and the ship dynamics and the characterizations and just overall feeling ashamed about my writing. I didn’t want to fail—write myself into a corner and abandon the fic or something like that. Right now, on the other end, I still look back on Orpheus sometimes and wonder how the hell I managed to write it. I reread my favorite passages and wonder how I came up with those exact words.

If it may help any writers, I would be happy to share a copy of my brainstorming doc and outline of Orpheus, where I kept track of unresolved plot points, options to resolve those plot points, notes to self to go back and add foreshadowing, and calling out unexpected events in each chapter that I did not plan ahead for. It is a very long doc. But I wanted to remember everything I was thinking at the time as a gift to my future self, in case I ever attempt a big project like this again and feel paralyzed.

Orpheus allowed me to explore themes and beliefs I suppose have been marinating in my heart for years. For anyone who is still interested, below are some of my thoughts and personal experiences around the main themes.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness and redemption are always what I reach for in my serious fics. I think I fumbled it in my Aladdin fic (or didn’t really get to the redemption part), but I was able to explore it more thoroughly and with more integrity in Orpheus, with an additional decade of life experience. 

I think forgiveness is a difficult and fascinating theme to handle because it is so highly personal and often carries memories of deep hurt for ‘victims’ or shame for ‘perpetrators’. I was grateful when readers sometimes shared their personal beliefs and experiences with it in their comments. In order to treat this theme with respect, I wanted to convey that forgiveness should not come cheaply. That is not to say it’s bad to be merciful and quick to forgive—those are amazing virtues. But the act of forgiveness comes at a cost and can be incredibly painful. The cost does not simply vanish due to good feelings or an act of the will.

Someone can either withhold forgiveness and make the other person pay the cost—in Orpheus, this would have been Yor rejecting or taking revenge on Twilight and leaving him to feel horribly guilty about Yuri’s injury for the rest of his life. Or they can choose to forgive and pay the cost themselves. In my own experience it feels physically painful. It feels like extreme grief. This is what I wanted to portray, the devastation to the spirit, as well as the catharsis that can follow. Because after the cost is paid, what we gain is healing. The ability to move on and no longer feel like we’ve swallowed glass. And the mending of a relationship, if both sides are willing. In the case of Yor and Twilight, it makes their relationship even stronger, like a broken bone healing stronger than before. And it adds weight to the trials they would face together after that moment.

Forgiveness of self / Perfectionism

Of all the conflicts in the fic, “Twilight vs. himself” is the last one to be resolved. Even after the man has been forgiven by the people he loves, he still struggles not to hate himself. To find his life to hold any value outside of being a highly competent spy. I think many people go through some version of this struggle. I certainly did and still do sometimes, with regards to work and career.

I chose Orpheus as the title to illustrate the journey of someone who carries an enormous burden on their shoulders. Trying to save the person they love and having to follow a strict rule of never turning around or they will lose it all. All the while, the temptation to look back is incredibly powerful. Twilight bears the burden of WISE’s expectations as their top spy, the hero who has stopped nuclear missile launches, who will supposedly prevent the next war from breaking out. He also carries the expectations of his newfound family which call him to turn away from the ruthlessness of his mission. To look back at them, and not abandon them for the sake of world peace. And finally he carries the guilt of what happened to Yuri, and the pain of keeping all the secrets resulting from Shellbury.

In Orpheus, Twilight harbors both a very low sense of self-worth as well as a highly inflated sense of self-importance. He sees himself as a discardable tool who has done unforgivable things for his missions, with no right to love and be loved. But at the same time he sees himself as the lynchpin to maintaining the fragile geopolitical peace. Responsible for never screwing up, ever. Responsible for the fact Yuri was shot, even though he tried his best to spare him. He’s an unreliable, self-absorbed narrator, and the other characters around him also parrot his guilt back at him throughout most of the fic. Until the end, where I try to address the illusion of control and how a good portion of his guilt is unrealistic and undeserved. 

Unfortunately for many people who carry this kind of burden, no one tells us that it’s okay to turn around. That we are indeed not responsible for more than our own choices, and we certainly cannot be responsible for circumstances outside of our control. I’ve worked jobs where I’ve been asked to do the impossible. My first job out of college, the expectations were incredibly high. I got no training and was thrown into a project in a foreign language and an unfamiliar industry. I pulled so many late nights that in the second week I fainted on the way to the office. And I was told this was normal. That in order to succeed like everyone else, I would figure out a way to solve each problem thrown at me, no matter how impossible.

And what sucks is when you start succeeding. You pull off miracle after miracle and then people start expecting it of you like it’s normal. The reward for success isn’t a break. It’s more work. Harder work. And you buy into that unrealistic narrative that you should be able to do it or something must be wrong with you, you must be broken and can’t perform like you used to. And when you finally break, you get spit out and discarded like an outdated machine. They find the next, younger miracle worker to buy into the narrative.

Knowledge vs Wisdom

This is an easier one. Funny that Twilight’s agency is called WISE in canon. But what is wisdom? The ability to discern between right and wrong, to utilize knowledge effectively for the greater good, to know how to truly live life and live it well. 

Twilight strikes me as the kind of person who uses knowledge as a weapon, not too dissimilarly to Yuri who literally states “knowledge is power.” Twilight hoards knowledge like building an arsenal, so he can always be prepared for any problem. And this is how nations treat knowledge (intel) in the real world. Constantly trying to gain an information advantage on the enemy. 

But how does one know if one’s strategy to use all that knowledge is right? In Orpheus, the Ostanian state exhibits little wisdom in its pursuit of endless knowledge, experimenting on children and prisoners and animals to gain an edge over its rivals and amass more power for those at the top. At the same time the competition and backstabbing between the various arms of the state are almost childish in their motivations, the epitome of foolishness. Knowledge on its own does not build trust or confidence—but it can build hubris and confusion and distrust. 

One unexpectedly fun part of writing Orpheus was the dynamics between Garden and WISE. While there is distrust at the start, the leaders and members of both sides demonstrate wisdom in how they navigate the partnership and grant trust to each other bit by bit. And this feels very counterintuitive to spies who build careers off of lies and masks, as they find that truthfulness can unlock results so much faster than subterfuge. At least when it comes to dealing with Garden.

On a final note on this topic, I find it interesting that in canon Donovan Desmond claims it is impossible to know what other people are thinking and therefore human beings can never trust each other. And yet the highest form of knowledge (second only to knowing God), in my opinion, is to truly know another person to the depth of their soul. To know a person completely, and to trust and love them regardless. This is what all people yearn for, even people like Twilight who have made a fortress of masks around their true self. And this kind of knowledge is what requires deep wisdom to wield well.

Sigmund Authen’s gift of the Tree of Life plaque and the accompanying wisdom quote was an unexpected event I did not plan in my outline for Chapter 33. So was Barbara’s advice to Yor in Chapter 34, which I will end this long ramble with:

Before the two left, Barbara turned and patted Yor’s arm. “I know what it’s like to be married to a brilliant man, dear. Don’t feel discouraged. They don’t need their brilliance and worldly achievements so much as they need our love. I know it can be exhausting sometimes, but I’ve stuck by my Siggy this long through thick and thin. What he didn’t mention amidst all that blather about wisdom is that even wisdom isn’t the final goal of all of mankind’s striving. Love is. What is a life full of wisdom and philosophy if it doesn’t help you find love and keep it? In my simple little mind, that’s what wisdom is for. Goodnight, dear. Thank you for having us over.”

And that's a wrap for my 2024!

[anglercrit]

Alright. Pentleton has been (Unintended pun) finished the last image I sent was a Upscaled one I did myself before the leak ended up adding a better quality one. So here he is.

Bonus is a Bio Sheet (I added a bit of my Mental Illness to him.) I removed the Jack The Ripper connotations and went with a fictional killer with no ties to the real world.

Flags:

Transgender + Trans Masc

The Flag of Great Britain

AuDHD Flag

BiCurious + Pomosexual + Cupiosexual (All those kinda conflict but he's confused. Give the mans a break.)

For the screen readers who can't read:

Pentleton, Edward “Ed/Eddie” (born as Pentleton, Elizabeth “Eli”) | Sir Pentious / Saint Repentious

Eddie was born on March 4th 1807, London, England. To a high class family, growing up Pentleton always had a love for designing things such as varous inventions. Growing up Ed had always felt uncomfortable with his identity as he always felt comfortable as a male rather than a female, but never spoke out due to not knowing what his feelings were, he identified as Pentleton and not by his new perferred name in order to not attract any attention to himself. Pentleton suffered from an undiagnosed disability (It was later revealed it was a variant of Anxeity, Autism, ADHD and Biploar Scizoeffective.) spending most of his time in the safety of his family home he inherited he was a recluse preferring to actually make things that better suited his desires then basic human interaction. Pentleton was always unlucky. Despite being well off growing up, bad luck seemed to follow him everywhere, and as he grew into adulthood and the desire for basic human interaction dwindled. Pentleton always found comfort in doing hos own thing, and going to the library. One particular afternoon, (Circa. 1828, April 12th) Pentleton was apprehended on suspicion of murdering two young women in downtown London, despite the fact he was obviously not the killer and he was simply at the wrong place, at the wrong time. The police arrested him anyways, and with severe questioning, Pentleton folded, confessing to a crime he never committed out of duress. Because he “confessed” the police took that as guilt and sentenced him to public excution by hanging. While he was being held, Pentleton’s home was immediately searched and they found a prototype of a children’s toy called “Egg Boiz” the basis was they were essetionally a toy manufactured for the poor children of London to play with, for free. Most of Eddie’s blueprints were seized and are now being displayed in the “British Museum” to this day. Before Pentleton’s excution, there was rumors surfing around of his innocence as more murders were found when Pentleton was being held in the Stocks before he was sent to the hanging tree. No one really thought the killer was innocent mainly because of his “confession”. On exactly April, 22, 1828. 20 days after Pentleton’s conviction, Pentleton was executed in front of a bunch of high classes. His last words were allegedly: “I have a lot to say, but one of them is that humanity is willing to vindicate someone they viewed as dangerous, when the dangerous person is them all along. Part of being human is realizing everyone makes mistakes, well. You all made a huge one, by killing one snake, you freed another. And that’s a price that those poor girls will never understand. But hey, life goes on, I hope and pray that in the final events of my death that none of you make the same mistakes killing an innocent man.” After the hanging, Pentleton’s body was immediately burnt and the house he lived in is now a museum tour of some sorts, long after Pentleton’s death the killer struck again killing men and women over the course of the years. And ended up being found in the end. When Pentleton arrived to Heaven, Saint Peter didn’t gain him entry on the grounds of “Admitting to a murder” Pentleton’s unfair judgement made him damned for eternity not truly belonging in Hell.

Yup, I cooked and Im gonna go to bed. If people see this on my acc that means I posted it there too.

DAMN you did in fact cook- I just wanna say Saint Repentious is such a clever name i love it

[hide-in-imagination]

Alright, I'm gonna talk about Margarita and why many viewers prefer Marrey over the main couple because the first season of Margarita just ended and I need to cope somehow.

Fair warning, this will be long, full of spoilers, rants, memes, and some references to Soy Luna because I can't help myself.

Okay so, just to give some context for whoever hasn't watched this show and came upon this post by coincidence: Margarita is a show by Cris Morena (same as Casi Ángeles) and works as some sort of continuation/spin-off of Floricienta because it follows the life of one of Flor and Maximo's children: Margarita.

The thing is, Margarita doesn't know she's Margarita, daughter of Flor and Max, because when she and her brothers were babies, some military man took over Krikoragán (the country Flor and Max ruled, yeah, they were royalty) and so everyone had to run for their lives, basically. Margarita grew up as an orphan because Cris Morena loves orphans, is obsessed with orphans, she can't not have orphans in her shows.

Anyway-- The main couple of the show, which is obvious from day fucking one, are Margarita and Merlín, who happens to be the son of the military man who dethroned Flor and Max lolol

Now, I know this sounds like epic romance, like, the daughter and son of enemies falling in love, blah blah blah. It could have been that way-- If Merlín wasn't so fucking stupid.

Cause here's the thing: Merlín is not a bad person, okay? He actually feels a lot of guilt because of how his father took over the country and basically destroyed Florencia's and Maximo's lives (who btw are M.I.A), so what does he want to do? He wants to marry the exiled princess Margarita as a way to return the throne to them. Noble, right? Sure. The problem is that, as I said, the real Margarita doesn't know she's Margarita. Instead, there's been a fake Margarita walking around all these years (who was tricked btw, she doesn't know she's a fake, she truly believes she's the princess), who everyone calls Daisy.

If you're thinking "Oh, this is giving Ámbar is season 2 when Sharon told her she was Sol Benson so no one would find out it was actually Luna" you are absolutely right, it's pretty much like that. The only difference is that Sharon was already rich before this; in this case, Delfina, Margarita's aunt, needed to lie and say she had found the real Margarita so she could access the fortune.

Anyway, moving on. The thing is, the show starts and Merlín is immediately going after Daisy and flirting with her, because again, he wants to marry her so he can give her back Krikoragán's throne. But at the same time, he and Margarita kinda fall in love at first sight (cause remember, they're the main couple of this show), so he's also seeking Margarita all the time and flirting with her.

So, we're not up to a great start, because it's literally episode 1 and this guy is already playing around with two girls at the same time. And listen, this could've worked, okay? Like, I get it-- He loves Margarita but because of his honorable desire to return the throne to the exiled princess, he has to go after Daisy, even if he doesn't want to. This really could've been a conflict of Love vs Duty, and it would've been fine... but. this. BITCHHH sdjkfnsdkdf.

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, MERLÍN IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!! The number of times Daisy asked him if he had feelings for Margarita and he lied in her fucking face!! Even after Daisy finds out that he wants to marry her to return the throne to her, HE STILL INSISTS THAT THAT'S NOT THE REASON WHY HE WANTS TO DATE HER, HE STILL INSISTS THAT HE TRULY LOVES HER, EVEN THOUGH HE IS GIVEN 94823489 OPPORTUNITIES TO SAY THE TRUTH. And what reaaallly annoys me is that Margarita wants to tell Daisy the truth, because she's her friend. And keep in mind that at no point does Merlín stop flirting and seeking Margarita out, nonono. So, of course, our girl Margarita is like "If you say you like me so much and neither of us can stop feeling this way about each other, then we have to tell Daisy, because otherwise, we're just going to hurt her."

And you know what really annoys me? That Merlín agrees. He agrees, and he tells Margarita yeah you're right let's do that, they had an AGREEMENT-- But guess WHAT? Later that day, Margarita finds out that he didn't tell Daisy ANYTHING. In fact, I think he told her again that he loved her for real, u know, like a LIAR, and Margarita is like ??

"Bitch, didn't we agree we were going to tell the truth?" and Merlín is like "Nah, sorry, babe. I still love you tho." LIKE THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR HE IS.

Listen, when I tell you Daisy sat them both down and literally ASKED THEM, 100% sincerely and with no ill intent, if they had feelings for each other because if so she would step aside, AND MERLÍN STILL LIED. FUCKING BITCH.

This could've been so different if Merlín actually tried to fall in love with Daisy. Like, if he told Margarita "I really like you, but because of duty, I have to be with Daisy" and stopped flirting with Margarita and actually focused on Daisy. Like, of course they would still yearn for each other secretly, but that would be the fun angsty part of it that would make all of us ship it. If we saw Merlín really try to follow duty but being unable to let go of his love, and eventually Daisy realizing this too, that her friends are in love with each other, and freeing Merlín from his responsibility toward her so they can be together. IT ALL WOULD'VE WORKED OUT FINE. Especially considering that Margarita is the real princess, so when that secret came out, Merlín wouldn't have to choose between duty and love because he could marry for love.

But no. They had to make him a detestable cheating liar. Because, do you think his history with lies ends there? NONONO, MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD, SIT DOWN, THERE'S MORE!

Eventually, Daisy doesn't believe his lies anymore (GOOD FOR YOU, GIRL) and is heartbroken but totally breaks up with him. And you, as a viewer, would think "Oh, okay, so he can be with Margarita now, there's nothing stopping them--" WRONG. Because then Petra shows up: Merlín's arranged betrothed. And Merlín makes eyes at her and seeks her out. And, okay, to be fair, he wanted to convince her to renounce her titles of nobility along with him, but did he need to make eyes for that? Debatable. Anyway, that's not even the main issue. The problem is that Petra somehow CONVINCES HIM to pretend to be ENGAGED FOR REAL, OUT OF LOVE, and show it to the world in a LIVESTREAM, so that they can later on renounce of their titles before the wedding and therefore making it a much bigger scandal internationally than if they just announced it on a regular Wednesday.

And since Merlín is a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR, he AGREES TO THIS!!! This stupid, unnecessary plan!!!

And, of course, for this plan of theirs to work, they have to keep it a secret that the engagement isn't real, so Margarita is none the wiser. Merlín, for once, actually wants to tell her the truth, which would be okay I guess, if it weren't because the main reason why he wants to tell her is because MARGARITA IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE.

Please, picture this for a second. Margarita has been led on and then disillusioned by this guy for like two months by now. Eventually, she decides that enough is enough and she needs to find a new love (GOOD FOR YOU, GIRL). She does find a new guy to fall in love with, who also falls in love with her, and they start a very cute relationship, and then, THEN, THIS FUCKING COACKROACH, BLOODSUCKING PARASITE, has to come SEEKING HER OUT AGAIN because he just can not fucking let her be happy, I swear to god!!

So Merlín goes after Margarita, desperate to tell her that the engagement to Petra isn't real, tells her to keep the secret, and also that he loves her, and that he knows she loves him too, so they have to be together, and she can just forget about her boyfriend because she obviously doesn't love him like she loves him either way.

And listen. Again. This could've worked under different circumstances. If Merlín was somehow forced to pretend to be engaged to Petra for some reason or another, or if he was dating Daisy for real, like I said in the previous scenario, but seeing Margarita with someone else finally made him realize that he couldn't choose duty over love and so he begged Margarita to be with him, it would've been fine. I mean, still shitty for the third-wheel guy, but as an audience, we would've supported it, because they're the main couple and he's the main guy and we want them together.

But NOOOOO because Merlín is literally only doing this out of selfishness!!! I mean, let's keep in mind that the whole world really believes he's really engaged to Petra, and they have to keep it that way for their plan to work. So, when Merlín seeks out Margarita now, telling her that they love each other so they have to be together, what is he really offering her? He literally can't offer her more than dating in secret from literally everyone, because otherwise, his plan with Petra would go to hell. And did he ever consider that Margarita might not be happy with that??? To be his dirty little secret?? Like- she's already dating this other guy, who wants nothing more than to make their relationship public because he really likes her, and Margarita is supposed to set that aside for... secret kisses behind closed doors with Merlín??

No wonder Margarita tells him no. MORE THAN ONCE. And she tells him it's too late now because she's with someone else.

BUT DOES THAT STOP MERLÍN? NO. BECAUSE HE'S NOT ONLY A MYTHOMANIAC BUT HE ALSO CAN'T RESPECT MARGARITA'S WISHES TO SAVE HIS LIFE!!

Remember when they agreed to tell Daisy the truth and he didn't? Yeah. And now Margarita wants to move on but he's like "Nah." And in future episodes, he quite literally puts her on a plane and takes her to Krikoragán with him AGAINST HER WILL !!! I---

And they wanted to make it look comical, I'm sure the idea was for it to be funny, but by this point, we're so upset with Merlín that he could cure cancer and I'd be pissed about it.

I just think it's frustrating because I know what they wanted to do, I know what the writers wanted this story to be, but I'm sorry, you wrote this guy so completely wrong that we can't even sympathize with his struggles anymore. I just don't care if he doesn't want to be prince or whatever-- cry me a fucking river somewhere else.

And here's what's really frustrating about all this.

Let me introduce you to Rey. Real name: Juan, but everyone calls him Rey. Also known as: the third guy in the love triangle. Also known for: EXCELLING AT EVERY SINGLE ASPECT IN WHICH MERLÍN FALLS SHORT.

1. Doesn't lie: Rey is very honest and direct about what he thinks and what he feels. When Margarita asked him at one point why he knew how to pick locks, Rey could've lied and make up some excuse, but instead, he honestly said that his dad is a thief, and so he taught him how to steal from a very young age, but Rey doesn't want that life. Which brings us to the next point:

2. Has a more compelling/interesting backstory: Rey starts off as one of the bad guys of the show. He's conceited, mean, and bullies the neurodivergent kid of the group to the point that he leaves the house they're all staying at (he comes back tho). At first, no one likes Rey, the audience doesn't like Rey, because we have no reasons to. BUT it all changes when we start to see different sides to him. We come to see his mean behavior as an act, an armor he puts on because in the family and socioeconomic context he grew up in (aka, thieves, thugs, the strong devour the weak, bully or be bullied) he had to be like that to survive. We see how incredibly sweet he is with his little siblings and how he works his ass off to give money to his mom now that his dad is in jail. In summary, Rey is the typical character who comes from a shitty situation and wants to escape it, be better. He sees the art he makes as a way of salvation, his ticket to a better life, and when we, the audience, see that, we can't help but support him. It's a tried and true character arc and dynamic: people always root for the underdog.

Compared to his struggles, Merlín's theme of 'I don't want to be the prince, I want to return the throne to this other girl' simply... falls short. Especially when you've got Rey's dad threatening Rey with separating him from his family if he doesn't help him in his bad deeds, and actually does separate him from his family later on in the show, much to Rey's hurt and frustration. Compared to that, Merlín's goals and obstacles seem simply superfluous.

3. He's direct with what the wants/doesn't go after two girls at the same time: Rey, being a bad guy at the start, had a thing going on with the bad girl of the show, Única (picture Ámbar for reference, except Ámbar is MUCH better, maybe I'll talk about that at some point.) Rey wanted an actual relationship with her, but Única was being hot and cold, so, Rey told her that he wasn't interested in being played with and took distance from her. Then he took an interest in Margarita, and when she asked him about him and Única, he was being 100% sincere by saying they had nothing going on anymore and he was 100% single and available, because it was the truth, not at any point did Rey continue to make eyes, flirt, or anything with Única after he took an interest in Margarita-- UNLIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE.

And once he started liking Margarita, he was honest and direct and told her. He told her he felt some chemistry between them and he was more than interested in seeing it through, and Margarita doesn't really deny there's something there (because she likes him too), she just says it's not the right time (she's still hung up on Merlín)

Which brings us to...

4. Respects Margarita's wishes: Sure, Rey flirts a lot with Margarita at the beginning-- he gets all close, tries to go for a kiss-- and some people could say he was being pushy, but considering Margarita was about to kiss him two times prior to that, it wasn't like he didn't have reasons to believe she might want to. When push came to shove though, Rey asked her: "How long are we going to keep fighting this pull between us?" And Margarita was honest in her reply: "I like some other guy, but I do have feelings for you, I just don't think right now it's the right time. When I feel like it's the right time, I'll let you know." Rey accepted that and he didn't push-- He still spent time with her, but he didn't try to kiss her again or anything like that. He waited for her to make the first move.

And she did. Margarita was the one to initiate their first kiss, in a moment when Rey was being completely vulnerable and HONEST (he could've hid the fact that his dad was threatening him to do bad things but instead he opened up to Margarita about it (MERLÍN COULD NEVER)), and it was a great moment.

5. LITERALLY TOOK A KNIFE TO THE STOMACH FOR MERLÍN: That bad thing Rey's dad was forcing him to do? Well, he wanted him to help two thugs kidnap Merlín so they could ask for ransom, but Rey stopped the kidnapping, getting stabbed in the process of protecting Merlín. Following this, Merlín tells him that he now considers him his brother, because he saved his life.

HEAR ME OUT:

But how did Merlín repay Rey, his "brother", for saving his life?

BY STEALING HIS GIRLFRIEND.

6. Respects Margarita's new relationship instead of trying to sabotage it: Remember how I mentioned before that Merlín could not fucking let Margarita be happy with someone else? Well, this is what I was talking about. Merlín knows Margarita is with Rey and doesn't give a shit. He keeps going after Margarita, telling her they love each other so they have to be together, meanwhile, let me remind you, HE IS PUBLICLY ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE. And sure, no one can 'steal' someone else's girlfriend, said person has a hand on it too, BUT considering Merlín literally put Margarita on a plane and took her to Krikoragán against her will... well, I'd say it was pretty close to stealing.

I mean, remember: Rey is direct, Rey is not up for games. Rey asked Margarita if she still had feelings for Merlín and she lied to his face and said no. Later, when he found Merlín and Margarita alone together for the Nth time, he was rightfully pissed. He told her, quote: "If you want to have two guys fighting over you, be my guest, but I don't want any part of it. I'm not interested in being in a relationship with a girl who isn't sure what she wants."

Keep in mind that Margarita told him several times to back off but Merlín did not, Rey also told him to back off and focus on his own girlfriend (RIGHTFULLY, BC WTF ARE YOU DOING FLIRTING WITH THIS OTHER GIRL WHEN YOU'RE ENGANGED?) but Merlín did not, and even after Margarita explicitly told him "It's too late, I'm with Rey now", Merlín still proceeded to take her to Krikoragán with him. He just doesn't give a shit what everybody else wants, apparently.

And, sure, let's be fair and mention that, by the time he took Margarita to Krikoragán, her and Rey were pretty much broken up-- BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE HE SABOTAGED THE RELATIONSHIP. RELENTLESLLY!!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 ICONIC BEHAVIOR. All second male leads should learn to be like him, tbh.

7. Has better words of endearment for Margarita: Rey calls her Bonita (like Simón calls Ámbar, yes, we stan) and also Marbonita, which is a mix of her name and bonita, which, in case you don't know, means 'cute/pretty'.

Now let's take a look at the reverse. When Margarita and Merlín start dating in the last few episodes of the season, does Rey try to get between them? No. And he's still in love with Margarita, the show makes sure to let us know that. But he doesn't try to sabotage it in any way despite this, in fact, he tells Merlín he's HAPPY FOR THEM ????? EVEN THOUGH HE'S CLEARLY BROKENHEARTED??

MERLÍN COULD NEVER.

Meanwhile, Merlín's love declaration to Margarita right before their first kiss was: "You are the queen of garbage and the queen of my heart <3"

Which brings us to:

Seriously, who wrote this? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS ROMANTIC? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

8. He's simply better in every way: Seriously. Name any aspect and Rey is far superior to Merlín. The only things Merlín has that Rey doesn't are 1- Money 2- The ability to make Margarita queen by marriage. But Margarita is not some social climber interested in money, so these shouldn't be important factors.

I would say Rey even has more emotional responsibility than Merlín, because even after he broke things off with Margarita and was angry at her for sneaking around with Merlín behind his back, he apologized for it ??? He was literally like "Hey, I'm sorry for being cold and rude towards you lately, I don't want to treat you like that, I'm just still hurt about what happened."

I-

AND YOU STILL EXPECT US TO SHIP HER WITH THE OTHER GUY???? BE FOR REAL !!!

Even in the final fucking episodes of the season Merlín could not stop lying. His uncle was threatening him with killing his little brother if he didn't immediately return to Krikoragán and marry Petra, but did he tell Margarita about this? NoooOoOoo. Their last interaction was him being all romantic and assuring her that this was not a goodbye, even though it WAS A FUCKING GOODBYE AND MARGARITA POINTED OUT THAT IT FELT LIKE A GOODBYE, BECAUSE HE CAN'T. STOP. LYIINNGGGG. Literally, it costs zero dollars to tell the truth, Merlín. He wasn't even threatened to keep the whole thing a secret, it wasn't like his uncle told him "Oh, and tell anyone about this and I'll kill your brother", nonono, he had complete liberty to tell Margarita what was happening, but he. chose. not to.

Margarita found out later anyway and called him, right as Merlín's plane was taking off, and you know what his last words to her were? "Please wait for me. Wait for me for your whole life."

WAIT FOR ME FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE?? MY DUDE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. YOU WANT HER TO STAY SINGLE INDEFINITELY WHILE YOU SOMEHOW FIND A WAY TO EITHER 1-DIVORCE OR 2- GET PERMISSION TO HAVE A MISTRESS?

And I know this was supposed to be a very emotional moment. Merlín was crying and everything. The actor is good, don't take me wrong, we have nothing against him. But the characteeerrrr. I just can not sympathize with him anymore. He always has 49238 chances to be honest and communicate and make things less complicated, but he ALWAYS. CHOOSES. TO MAKE THINGS WORSE !!!

And I'm not saying his character should be perfect-- ALL characters are allowed to have flaws, in fact, they have to have them, otherwise they wouldn't be believable. But when the same character keeps making the same mistake over and over and over again, I'm sorry, but my patience only goes so far.

(Also, a lot of people like to point out that Merlín is 21 and playing around with two 17-year-old girls. Personally, I wouldn't criticize him for it because we don't know how old Rey is, and if later on we find out he's 21 too or something, everyone's going to have to swallow their words 😂)

Alright, so this was my rant about why the main couple of Margarita is so annoying and most people in social media are begging for #MarreyEndgame

Do I actually think Marrey has a chance to be endgame? To be honest, no. Looking at the narrative, I don't see how they could make it make sense after the ending of season 1. If the ending had been different, there could've been more hope, but with the way things are, it just makes more sense for Margarita to end up with Merlín. How could they make her end up with Rey without the viewers being genuinely confused? Because everything is set up to build Marlín. The only way to get Marrey would be to kill Merlín off (*cough* like in Floricienta season 1 *cough*). Or, I don't know, have Margarita lose her memories?? And while she has amnesia she falls so in love with Rey that once she gets her memories back she's unable to get back together with Merlín?? But I can't see the writers doing something so drastic.

Of course, they could just say fuck it and give the people Marrey even if it doesn't make any sense in the narrative. By this point, I'd be cool with that, but I don't think Cris Morena cares enough about what the audience wants to do that. She knows the story she wants to tell and she's not going to change it because some people are pissed about it. Because when you're in this industry, you learn that you can't please everyone-- Why would she try to do that now? For numbers? For money? Would it really make that much of a difference if she doesn't make Marrey endgame? Doubtful. Sure, some people will not watch season 2 if there's no Marrey, but even then, people have to be watching to find out if there is Marrey or not, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, this was long, so if you read all of it, I'm both grateful and very sorry kdfjns.

RIP Marrey, you were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than just a short time 🥀

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #51 – Monstress Volume 8: Inferno by Marjorie Liu and Sana Takeda

This is the last volume of Monstress that’s currently published and (since vol. 9 is coming out in November) the second-last I’m going to read this year. Which could be either a good or a bad thing, I suppose. This is the first volume I can say I genuinely didn’t enjoy, not even grading on a curve fro the highs of the rest of the series but in general. Not awful, but not good either – by far the most ‘comic-bookey’ plot arc so far, and I really don’t mean that as a compliment.

Through a variety of contrivances involving Maika’s friends journeying to the centre of her mind to try and wake her up from her coma and finding a massive and seemingly living statue of Adara Farclaw – the previously semi-mythical ancient hero-sage of the cats – our main cast (plus the ghost of Maika’s childhood self created by the sheer intensity of her own self-loathing) find themselves on the prison world where Zinn trapped all his kin to keep them from devouring the world we’re more familiar with back in pre-history. They’ve adapted surprisingly well, adopting humanoid forms and farming for the food they need. Immortal but sterile, their history since has been dominated by an endless race war between the first generation Fallen Houses (Zinn’s peers) and the second-generation and much reduced in grandeur (but increased in numbers) Defiled. Zinn, Maika, and the fragment of the Shaman-Empresses’ mask they brought with them are a chance to upset the balance of power, or perhaps even escape – and both sides are willing to do anything it takes for that chance.

Though all that plot aside, the actual point of the volume is to a) provide great reams of lore on the Monstra in general and Zinn’s past and present relationship with the rest of their species in particular and b) give Maika a chance to work on her self-esteem issues and guilt over accidentally killing and eating her mom as a child by providing a tulpa of 10-year-old her to scream at, protect, and reconcile with. Also a bunch of stuff about cats.

I can see the version of this story that works for me, at least in broad strokes. But yeah, the one that actually exists really didn’t. The largest part of that is just allocation of narrative resources, I think? As the book goes on, it has become steadily less interested in the themes and aesthetics I find more compelling to focus on it’s deep lore mythohistory and melodrama among the elder gods, to the point of just leaving the actual setting with its fascinating politics and societies entirely for basically the last two volumes. It begins to make me question why I’m still reading. Maika as a character is profoundly interesting, but having her just clearly announce her issues to a literal embodiment of them is not, to me, particularly compelling reading.

On an aesthetic level, the strange and alien prison planet let me deeply unimpressed. It was all so..familiar. Even the two warring nations of eldritch god-monster have ended up basically human-sized and human-shaped, farming and eating and using tools and building structures in instantly recognizable ways. There’s an excuse offered, but I’m still left wondering why even bother if it’s going to be so unspectacular.

I also found myself disappointing in how...monotonous, I suppose? The aesthetics of technology are growing to be. The guns, tools and armour of these cat worldwalkers who’ve been living underground on this prison world for centuries look almost identical to what technology of the Shaman Empress and the toys the Blood Court uses and- Even if you can torture and justify it all to make sense, it just gets boring and samey eventually, you know? Makes the world feel small.

Which is related to my thematic issues with the volume, in a way. The story is clearly much more interested in the grand, superhuman drama of the monstra, the exploration of multiple worlds and lost continents, space age high technology, more species and relics and myths and just – it all piles up so much that the result just ends up feeling more generic and boring than the more focused and detailed world of the first few volumes was. This is made far worse (for me, anyway) by the fact that Zinn seems to have been personally involved with literally every major historical personage that was mentioned at any point.

The most concise way to put it is that at the start of the story Maika et al really felt like people inhabiting a world, and now it’s at Star Wars levels of the world feeling like a canvas for a specific set of people’s melodrama. Nothing wrong with that, in the slightest – I just prefer the other, and feel a bit cheated by the shift.

On a different thematic level I kept waiting for some real, like, narrative pushback or reversal about how the Defiled are treated as these disgusting morally abhorrent abominations for the fundamental crime of being genetically impure and ‘spiritually mutilated’ and...never really got it?

Anyway, pacing wise the arc is much too short to be a complete, satisfying version of the story it wants to tell, and much, much too long to be a part of the longer story it is a detour from. The story never becomes offensively bad, but I am honestly reading as much out of inertia as anything by now.

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[delusionalblfan]

as i expected throughout the whole episode i was so tense and with teary eyes. the whole damn episode. but i literally bawled my eyes out in three moments. the three of them made me stop watching to catch a breath and to just think about life and choices and stuff. i was so into them i felt sick to my stomach

1. when Babe kissed Babe's forehead three times, it got to me more than the whole scene of Babe realising Charlie was dead. it was so tender, full of regret of untold words, it was what Babe regretted not doing to Charlie before the race. it was a goodbye. it was a 'i cannot live without you'. a 'i respect and love you so much for everything you've done for me', a 'i do not deserve you', a 'you do not deserve this'. i felt it all. it was a detail that made all the difference to me and of which i am very thankful for. it was what my emotions needed to really make me go 'no! this is happening' and make me crumble

2. Babe alone at home with Charlie's gloves while reminiscing their times together. he remembered their first meeting as expected. but then he remembered moments that Charlie made him feel special, told him he is special, irrevocably and unconditionally told him he is the reason he ever tried to stop Tony. Babe knows that what Charlie has been doing is not for his own self, but for Babe. this moment Babe is feeling so much pain and so much guilt and it's palpable. and it's as if he feels like the gloves are the only good thing he gave to Charlie and he wants to hold on to them. he needs a physical thing to hold on to, given he doesn't have Charlie. he wants to keep the thing he gave to Charlie and thinks he likes the most. he wants to keep what he saw in Charlie's eyes was what he was most proud of. (Babe, news to you: you are it. you are what Charlie most wanted, most loved and most wanted to show off. you are what makes Charlie happy. you)

3. Alan and Dean's scene (PHENOMENAL) what a moment. seeing Sailub and Lee's emotions so raw that they are physically feeling it. that's the feeling i got. the hurting in their voices made me go crazy. i lost myself there. and i got the whole moment. Dean always felt like the outsider, haven't found his place and used that to self-pity, never spoke about it until recently and only now is doing something to not live in the shadows, but unfortunately by doing wrong decisions. they are family (remembering these men have no blood relatives, they are each others family and that's as valid as blood relatives. it's Family) i am sure they would support him if he decided to find his place somewhere on the racing world. but he was so desperate he decided to do it by siding with the person that has done most harm to his family members, and by harming a family member (i know nothing about mechanics, but he said it, he did want to scare Charlie so he would give up racing, so Dean was willing to make Charlie get into an accident to scare him). and Alan was so hurt. and i bet i know some traits of him so he must be thinking 'this is happening again within my family, the family i started, the people i sworn to protect, i must not be monitoring their feelings well, where did i do wrong, i definitely did something wrong'. but at the same time he knew Dean did a very bad thing, the was so hurt with Dean and so disappointed. and to make the (right!) choice of calling the police on a family member must be so hard. they will not be family like before. the trust was broken. and realising that this is the end, the way they physically gave up and bended. Alan grabbing him like he wants to embrace him still! i believe they get each other's point of view, but Dean was already so hurt by all these years (this boy has a fucking inner saboteur!) and false accusations but shattered by the fact that Alan could in fact, but to his eyes only now, show love towards him and Alan was so hurt that a family member hurt another family member (again) and still very regretful for what he could have done… this is unequivocally a breakup and it was very real and hurtful to watch

[diinotrains]

I need D10 and Lady to have a crazy ass fight ok. I need violence between them I need them to be and unfair and I need them to BOTH be in the wrong and suffer the consequences of what they have reaped upon themselves after hiding it for years and years and years and the reasons why they did it are so fucked up and yet you can see why they did what they did you know.

"She deserved it" D-10 <- extremely insecure and takes out his bottled up anger on those who have better lives than him or those who he thinks are lesser than him due to undressed mental problems and does not confront what he has done because he fully believes he has the right even though he really doesn't because none cared and they never ever cared about his class they never did. To have your name stripped and everything you know taken away from you is an anger that cannot be fathomed. And while she may have done irreparable things she never held violence upon you. Your anger is justified but you took it to far and now you're fearful and it only makes it worse for everyone of class type. You have failed your brothers and your sisters and you know it is your fault but they don't know that. They don't know anything. As long as you don't get caught your fine. Your safe and your fine. If you get caught you are dead.

"I was defending myself I didn't mean to get out of hand" Lady <- not lying about but you almost killed him when he begged you to stop and found some sick twisted enjoyment in it and the guilt is eating away at you so heavily that you hide like a coward and do not confront what you have done because you know it will make you look bad and your saving face so you don't get thrown in the scrapyard with the rest of them you couldn't save because you were to busy relishing in the attention that came with being worshipped like a god. and now all you feel is regret and you know nothing will make this right and so you try to wipe away anyone and anything to uphold your reputation and if it means putting fear into those so they stay silent you will do it even if you have to bear the guilt because anything is better than getting caught. Anything is better than not being worshipped anymore.

And in the end all both you have is each other because you both dug your shared grave without realizing it and now that the tarp has been revealed there is no going back to once was and nothing can justify what you have done in the name of your own reputations survival

Anyways the make me CRAZZY!!! literally mental you should follow me for more crazy posting

[rohan-will-answer]

Life update! This is going to be a looooong post! Lots of things have changed!

So about a year ago, ***** and I broke up (I'm keeping his name out of this). It was a long time coming but ultimately it was what we both needed. Everything fell apart. We were polyamorous for the majority of our relationship - but we were bad at it. I hated it for a long time before I finally became more comfortable. When I did feel more comfortable, ***** felt more insecure and closed us off again, with the intention of opening things back up later. But basically, I fucked up and caused the breakup.

I met someone, Marek, and developed feelings quickly. I fell for them hard and told ***** how I felt. ***** forbade me from talking to Marek, but I continued to indirectly talk to them through posts I made about them on the app we met on. I would post about them, they would post about me, and eventually, ***** found the posts and ended the relationship.

I was devastated at first and was overwhelmed by the guilt. Losing the person I was with for over 8 years was awful. But then I started to process the things that happened over the course of that relationship and realized it was beyond unhealthy for both of us. Neither of us were fully to blame for that toxicity. We fed off each other. The relationship was deeply codependent and had so many issues that honestly, it should have ended years before it did. But the codependency kept us together. It was bad.

BUT!!!!

Now life is amazing! Marek and I started actually dating and they are beyond a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me. The relationship is healthy. Everything feels good and I am deeply in love. We communicate well, our interests and desires in life align, I feel safe with them and never doubt their love for me. They are perfection in human form. I've never met anyone I vibe with so well, genuinely. We will have been together for a year on September 1st! (｡💚▽🩷｡)

Since the breakup, my mental health has improved significantly! I feel joy these days! I am far more stable, my confidence has improved drastically, I have finally met myself, I'm healing my inner child, and I'm far more independent than I ever have been. Marek supports me and makes me feel like I can do anything. I fully believe I was being held back by my last relationship because of the previously mentioned codependency. I wish ***** the best, but I'm happy we aren't together anymore. We both deserve better than what we got from each other.

Some smaller things than a massive relationship change:

I now live in a geodesic dome

I have become completely and utterly OBSESSED with Kirby

My hair is green

My sense of fashion has become super maximalist and colorful

I have control over my eating disorder and I'm finally at a healthy weight

I went to Scotland

I have made friends in the Portland area

I was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which has made therapy far more effective for me

I have fallen deeper into my hobbies

I have a massive plant collection now. 57 plants to be precise.

SO MANY GOOD THINGS.

Overall, life has been really, really good in the past year. I'm truly happy now. I never thought I'd get to this point, but here I am! I'm thriving!

(ﾉ⊙ヮ⊙)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

My happiness shines through and I am so grateful. (~￣▽￣)~

Also here are some (not all) of my plants!!

[booasaur]

Can you imagine the horror Cruz felt the past few days, every day, unexpectedly falling deeply in love with this beautiful, lovely and kind woman and then the knowledge that she has to kill her father, actually take the life from someone this kind girl who loves her cares about. And having this conflict, this horror eating at her, corrupting her love for Aaliyah until she couldn't touch her without feeling all the guilt and disgust at herself. Now she also has regret to live with.

Oh, anon, I've been thinking of nothing else!

I was actually afraid after we left Cruz watching Joe's supercut of Amrohi's biggest hits, ep 8 would have her buying into the mission so it'd be more of an action oriented spy thing with Aaliyah only eventually adding a last minute conflict, but that wasn't the case at all! My girl remained cold to it and it stayed only a mission she had to carry out, nothing she believed in.

What's really struck me is that despite Joe and Kaitlyn's years more of experience and close dealings with the politicians and businessmen who showed this was all a game, Cruz saw the truth of the situation more clearly than they ever did, just by listening to Aaliyah. She was able to contrast both versions she was hearing and extract the reality in a way they never could because they never cared about the other side.

Cruz is terrible for undercover work because she treats her target like a human. That's really what it comes down to, right. She saw Aaliyah as a person and valued what she thought and felt and now here we are. And the worst thing for her is that Aaliyah didn't get through to her by being a funny, charming smokeshow (or not JUST that, lol), she was kind and vulnerable. Cruz may be bad at being a spy but she's a great soldier (as we saw in that kitchen, whew) and Aaliyah's exactly the kind of person she wants to protect. Credit to the show for letting us see how agonizing it was for Cruz to go against all her morals and instincts and everything in her to do this mission. The fact that she fell in love, needed and was needed by this one person, the tragedy of it all.

And actually, credit to Laysla De Oliveira as well! I've been praising Stephanie Nur a lot so far and as I mentioned, no shade to Laysla, but Cruz has been quite opaque and hard to read, as intended, I'm sure, she's supposed to be this tough marine AND is playing an undercover role, she mostly just reflected what Aaliyah threw at her. But these last two eps, gosh, she really brought ALL these additional layers. It really sold the romance, like, first, she was NOT faking in those last two eps, but just how guilty and anxious she was, and the anger and self-loathing at the end? Even that moment on the balcony looking out where she was all rueful, it was more subtle but still so expressive:

Honestly, I've actually really loved Aaliyah's character and was waiting for the finale to see if she lived so I could add her to my fave characters list, because I'm not gonna add a character who's built up just for an extra tragic death, but I've ended up adding BOTH. The strength of character Cruz showed in the end to realize and accept what's she'd done, and the kindness in believing both Aaliyah and even her dad deserved more grace, I found myself genuinely loving her by the end.

I really can't tell if she's going to return, but I hope so, she deserves more closure than that, they both do.

[lemonsrosesandlavender]

2024 Reflections

Thanks for the tag, @redroomroaving . I was literally reading Lia’s version of this at that exact moment, thinking that I might pinch the format without a tag - and then lo and behold, you pop up in my notifications ;) I'll tag the usual suspects, @forget-me-maybe @dutifullylazybread and @darkurgetrash <3

What's been your biggest learning point this past year?

I've learnt a lot of things about writing.

I can push through a writers' block. Sprints are the answer, and I may go in several wrong directions until I get through, but I will get there. And when it starts flowing again, it will ALL be worth it.

No amount of sprints can make me exceed a certain writing speed, or stop editing as I go completely. I've practised, and I've got better at just writing [synonym for hot] or whatever in brackets when I can't pin down the exact word I'm after - but writing stuff I'm really annoyed by will throw me off my rhythm and I just have to exorcise the issue. 500-600 "good" words in an hour is a pretty decent top speed, and I'm happy with what I'm writing, so I've learnt to accept the slower pace I work at than some people I know in fandom!

Relatedly, I'll never have time to write everything I'd like to, and I have to accept that and prioritise accordingly. Early in the year, I happily offered to take SFW prompts, did a few, and realised that although I liked what I'd written, my heart was not truly in it and therefore it wasn't sustainable. NSFW ones I find more easy to do; it's a fun and filthy way of giving back to my followers, which is one of the main reasons I like doing it. (And also there's been some DELICIOUS ideas that I wouldn't have come up with on my own!). But I've let myself be more judicious about it, picking ones that really inspire me to write whole ficlets/fics for, and trying not to stress about the pile.

I also found a process for my own fic ideas that I love and desperately want to write, but don't think I have time for: I make notes, discuss eagerly with @krawwan ... and then leave it to sit. The germs of the story are safely written down, and the idea will either grow roots or disappear. If it grows, I'll probably open my computer at some point and find I have one of those top-speed writing sessions, and win-win, it's a WIP now. If not, that's alright! There's always a chance it'll sprout in the future, but for now it's clearly not captivating enough to spend time on.

How has your writing developed this past year?

I've got better at layering subplots. I think, anyway. I've got better at outlining, that's for damned sure! I've also had fun trying out small tweaks to style/voice.

Finally, I've tackled heavier subjects. That isn't to say all writing should - but I feel like whilst Sharp Teeth and its follow ups took a pretty light touch, Planar Tears has given me the space to explore. Depression, guilt, grief and racism/oppression (via Rolan's story) all come up at various times, and we're going to run face-first into Lorroakan all too soon.

(That's not to say a light touch isn't good too; fantasy adventure stories tend to err on the light side as a genre, and I'm writing in a world full of conniving hags and tentacle-waving baddies. I don't think Sharp Teeth would have benefited from anything more "difficult"; sometimes you don't need to dwell on a theme in detail for it to be evident, and I've been a bit worried that some of Planar Tear's more intense discussions have been too heavy in tone. But that's all part of developing as a writer, or so I keep telling myself; you have to experiment to find out).

Bad writing habits?

Writing too late at night.

Convincing myself that THIS is the time I've really gone and lost my writing skills for good when I've got writers' block.

Yapping every three sentences about my writing when I should just be writing.

Mmmm... I wouldn't say it's "bad" per se, but sometimes I realise that either I make an interesting decision, that requires time and thought and research, or I make a simple, easy one, and get something finished. (It's hard to point to exact examples, because I often forget them afterwards, but it's definitely a feeling I've had several times). I think many writers find themselves trying to nail their own personal equilibrium between "good" and "finished", and sometimes I think I let the lure of the posting button summon me a little early.

Favorite thing you wrote?

Every time I say Planar Tears, lol. But honestly, I'm proud of everything I've got up on AO3; I've re-read and enjoyed them all.

Biggest win?

More than having written a lot (and of consistent quality)? Finding a (small in the scale of the BG3 fandom) audience who enjoy my writing. I love seeing returning commenters and kudos-ers across my different works and Rolan pairings. On the occasion I've got comments like "I was supposed to go to bed and then I got THIS EMAIL", I've felt both very happy and very lucky. It's one thing for someone to stumble over my fics and enjoy it enough to kudos it once; it's another for them to like it so much they sign up for emails and chew through all the stuff I've written. That's amazing and inspiring and wonderful.

(It's also very motivating in terms of knowing that if I post, someone's probably going to crack it open pretty soon and take a good look!)

Goals for the new year?

Be a little more balanced about writing. Balance is not a thing I am good at; I'm an obsessive person, an all-or-nothing person, forever burning the candle at both ends. My real life job is also a lot of mental work, and between that and writing I went hard this year. The job is a non-negotiable, and very important to me - so whilst I've got through this year, I've got to be more sensible. (Don't worry, my job is fine - but taking care of myself fell by the wayside a bit)

OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN THE OTHER HAND, it is so easy to feel guilty about writing fanfiction for a hobby, especially smut. It's easy to put down every cold to some karmic punishment for having stayed up too late writing the perfect orgasm - when plenty of people are cutting into their sleep with more regular hobbies like Netflix or early morning runs or whatever. Naturally, I think I suck more than all of these people.

So I'd like to pry apart the twisted braids of "genuinely having so much creative energy that I want to expend on stuff I love", "needing to post constantly because I love being productive to a pathological degree", "cleaning out the vestiges of shame and general societal opinion about my hobby" and "literally just go the fuck to bed please". We'll see how well I do!

(Oh yes, and finish Planar Tears!)

Your favorite words of the year, aka the words you check each chapter for, making sure you didn't repeat them 788 times?

Rolan has an allotted amount of scowling, and Catrin only SO many lip twitches, that they're allowed to do in each installment of Planar Tears. Calm it down, kids.

I also love a filthy smut noise, and have to do the moaned/groaned/gasped/whimpered comb-through to check I haven't repeated them in close succession. Rolan will do all four basically every time though, I've got no shame about that.

What are you excited for in the new year?

Finishing WIPs! I've got three oneshots 50-70% drafted, and I know they'll be so satisfying to finish. I'd like to clear the decks before I crack open my NEXT bunch of short fic ideas.

Returning to give Fae Bindings and In Service of Magic new chapters. I love these fics, and I'm very grateful for the readers who care about them despite the updates being on the slow side. (I do think it's less urgent in very smut-oriented fics, because although I care too much about the plot of both of them, you don't need to be following it particularly closely to get horny about it... is my attempt to reassure myself anyway lmao).

Life stuff. I'm going on a short holiday soon to meet a beloved tumblr friend, and that's very exciting. My work is also going to be a big focus of this year, and I'm feeling very positive about what I might be able to accomplish.

In short - exciting things <3

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

Dead Friend Forever - final thoughts

I say final thoughts, knowing I will likely have many more thoughts to come on this series. Because this is definitely one of those shows that gets its hooks into you.

I file this one under "super memorable and engaging watch that I will never watch again" because I really enjoyed it, but also struggle with such dark material (and I can't stop crying over sweet baby White).

First though, major props to BOC for doing something different in the BL genre. This is the kind of creativity that I love to see, similarly to The Sign or Playboyy. It doesn't always work, and I know there are wildly different feelings about all three of these shows, but that's the point - if no one takes creative risks, no one cares about the outcome.

In this case, the ending actually worked for me. I was expecting something ambiguous, because a) horror genre, and b) there was such a huge difference in interpretations throughout the entire series that it seemed clear they were planting a lot of things that could be seen in vastly different ways. And I think the ending stays consistent with that.

I also don't mind ambiguity if it gives me a lot to chew on in metaphorical meaning, and wow was this show a juicy one.

That said, it definitely wasn't perfect, and there were plenty of loose threads that could have been tightened. But I still found so much that worked for me.

My interpretations

So here's my thoughts on the ending, speaking for myself, within my lens and my cultural context.

I see this as a story about purgatory. Not in the sense of any religious system, but in the sense of being a human, and dealing with human emotions. It's a story about the ripple effects of our own selfishness, of how lack of empathy and caring creates a cost for ourselves as well as others, of holding on to guilt, of what happens when we refuse to reckon with the harm we've done.

I don't see anything that happened on this current day visit to the house as a literal, real life, experience.

A few reasons why (and note, I'm aware there are people who will prescribe the below to bad writing/editing, I'm interpreting these as conscious choices made by production):

The road seemed quite well maintained and straight forward on the way in on the truck (and well used enough that Por's dad put a sign up there), yet when anyone tried to leave, they ended up on small forest paths or there was damage to the road.

Similarly, Top & New rode out on the bike for a while, but then New was able to get back to the house really quickly. It had a feeling of "you can check out any time you like but you can never leave" for me.

The Janta temple. This random big building with a ton of fresh blood and lit candles, yet no one else ever being around, and Phee & Jin getting locked in.

The drugs don't explain how all the hallucinations matched so well, or that they all focused exclusively on Non. You telling me Por and Top never did any other sketchy shit in their life? Tee worked for his uncle for years, but didn't have a single other regret? No glimpse of his father, of White being hurt? Fluke didn't get any visions of his parents asking when he was going to finally be a doctor and worthy of their love? White, the one stuck in purgatory because of his love for Tee, was the only one to have a non-Non hallucination.

It's also not really well explained how New could have physically done everything here - such as set up the trap for Por while hanging out with the other guys. Maybe he did, but he never confirmed Phee's explanation for everything that happened.

But my biggest reason for feeling this way is what happens to each character.

Por was used to being the center of the group, due to his wealth and status. But he gets immobilized and silenced.

Top made Non take the fall for him, and then becomes the puppet of the killer in this scenario.

Fluke always did his best to stay on the outskirts and not be seen, but everyone here sees his paranoia and selfishness.

Tee had regrets, but he was still responsible for a huge part of what led directly to Non's death, and he ends up losing what he loves the most through his own actions (he was the one who convinced White to come, like he convinced Non to work for his uncle).

Jin knew that he was violating Non by recording and releasing the video, hence his experiencing the same violation in his hallucinations. But the crux of his situation is that he had a selfish love for Non, and therefore regardless of how much he wants to believe that Phee's love will protect him, it's not enough to save him in the end.

And then of course we have Phee, New, and White. Three people not involved in the initial course of actions, but caught up in them all the same.

White is truly innocent, but sometimes when we love those who have caused harm, we pay a cost. That's the injustice of life. He was a good boy, and learning what Tee did hurt him.

Phee couldn't let go of his guilt for what he said the last time he saw Non, and for not reaching out to him in time. He knew how much Non struggled, he came in during a self-harm attempt before, but his pride wouldn't let him help Non. He also moved on with Jin, but won't acknowledge that there are genuine feelings involved. He says this weekend is all about learning the truth, but he doesn't even care that Jin released the tape. He wants to believe he knows Non better than anyone, but he doesn't really. He wants to heroically save Jin, but he is not the romantic hero in any of this. There's a disconnect between who he wants to believe himself to be, and who he actually is. And it's why he's not really free at the end.

And New. New is so fascinating to me, because like Phee, he was trapped in his guilt. But unlike Phee, through his choices at the house (despite regretting the innocent loss of White & Dang), through his passionate commitment to doing whatever he can for Non, even if it is far too late, he is able to finally let go of his guilt. He is at peace with his choices, and so he sees Non forgiving him. And I think New is able to move on.

Because in the end, I don't see this as these boys being punished by some cosmic moral authority, but rather their own choices and own feelings of guilt/refusal to admit to said guilt.

Reminder - I make no claims of "the truth", this is just my truth.

Relatedly, they did nothing to prove that Non did not fake his death, so you can't make me think he's not having a much better life somewhere with a really good therapist and a hot boyfriend (perhaps Perth).

Last note - the acting in this show was so goddamn good. Mio and Barcode were the standouts for me, but there was a lot of talent on display. I hope they all get a nice career bump from this.

[igotanidea]

Growing up : Jason Todd x fem!reader

A/N: the reader vigilante name is Ego (messing with people heads, but not like a metahuman, she just has natural psychological talents). Previously named Cheshire (I realised that there already was a character named like that a bit too late and had to fix it - Ego is the story about it)

Other parts of this verse: Cheshire cat, That damn gala, Five years later, Tired, Benched (not necesarilly in that order, but Five years later is previous to Tired)

***

I was so, so, soooo tired my eyes were simply closing themselves without any involvement from my part.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Guess it had something to do with my broken and casted right leg. According to the doctor it's been healnng perfectly and the aching and itching that prevented my night rest was the first example of it. Maybe, but I still hated it. Over six weeks ago I had an accident during patrolling. Silly, rookie mistake got me falling down and before I was able to regain my balance I found myself lower.

Three floors lower.

It was a miracle I only ended up with broken leg. I mean, a little bit more impact and I would end up with damaged spinal cord, paralyzed for life, unable to move a single muscle from the neck down.  However, at the moment everyone who were fighting besides me held their breaths.

6 weeks ago

“EGO!” I heard Oracle yell through the comm. Honestly, her voice would bring the dead from behind the grave.

“Damn it!” Dick hissed and without any hesitation ditched his opponent and rushed to check up on me, doubling on my pain and guilt. I screwed up and now, the team was paying the price. Nonetheless he did not seem to care when he landed next to me in his swiftly, acrobat-like way.

“Stop showing off” I rolled my eyes, grabbing the leg “It’s not that kind of circus.”

“One thing for sure, your tongue wasn’t damaged during the fall. Where does it hurt?”

“Knee.”

“Show me.”

“It’s not that bad….” I tried to move away from his hands and it made me squeal in pain.

“Y/N.”

“Red card, Nightwing. You broke the “no real names” rule of Batman. You’re off the field.”

“Stop it.” He said, so calmly that it really did make me hold back my words. “Let me help you.”

“Ok.” I muttered looking down, letting him check on my limb.

“I don’t think it’s broken, but anyway, I need to get you out of here. It’s dangerous for you to stay any more than necessary. Anyone could get to you in this weakened state.”

“That’s the sentence I haven’t heard …. ever I think. Up till now, it was hazardous for criminals to meet me, not the other way round.”

“There’s a first time for anything, I guess” he shrugged. Oh, how I hoped Oracle got that on her record. I was so going to use his own words against him in the future “can you try to help me lift you up?”

“Sure. I think” I leaned onto the left, unharmed leg, that was supposed to bear my weight, but the second Dick held his hands towards me to support my efforts, we both heard a loud snap and I couldn’t hold back a cry of pain. If it wasn’t for Dick I would fall again and as an addition to the leg injury would also get some bruises and cuts on the face. “FUCK! I think it’s broken now.”

“Both of you are getting home. Immediately. You better get her here without any more bodily harm or we will have to deal not only with disappointed Bruce, but also with enraged Jason.”

***

“I’m sorry Dick. I really am.” Half an hour later I was sitting on the examination couch, my leg splayed in front of me, while Babs was scanning it and using all of her cutting-edge tech to assess the injury.

“Could you just stop it? WE missed a chance, not the first time and definitely not the last one. This guy we were chasing tonight were not even that important and we will get to him this week, I’m sure of it. You just made a mistake, which frankly speaking wasn’t even yours.”

“What?” I shifted a bit to face him and the change in angle made me gasp in sudden piercing pain.

“Don’t move!” Babs hissed and I smiled apologetically, my eyes still on Dick.

“What do you mean it wasn’t my mistake?”

“I had it all calculated, you know. He was going for that punch, you were in perfect distance so you could get to him, but when I took a swing he used this as a leverage to turn and push you with right hand, not the left I was aiming at.”

“Thanks for the clarification, Dick. But I still take a bit of the blame. After all I was the one who slipped a bit. Damn those shoes need fixing.”

“You won’t be needing them for a while, Y/N” Babs muttered “you have a  disjointed kneecap and a fracture in your  shinbone.”

“Shit.” I rubbed my forehead in frustration. “How long?”

“Tim has better experience in the medical field, but …..”

“I can’t believe you just said that out loud, Babs” Dick couldn’t help but let out a laugh and met with our angered gaze “Sorry girls, but this is funny…. Isn’t it….? Ok, all right! Stop giving me this murderous look of yours! I surrender!”

“I think you’ll be excluded for something around 6 weeks.”

“6 weeks?! Can I get a second opinion?”

“From Tim?”

“Will do. Hope he, Damian and Bruce had more effective patrol in their part of Gotham. ….. Wait, you didn’t tell them what happened, did you?”

“Of course not.” Barbara scoffed and fixed the strand of hair that was falling in her eyes. “But I’m pretty sure they already know.”

“How?”

“Um….”

 “Babs!?”

“I might have used the open channel while talking to you…..”

“So, everyone knows?” Dick jumped from his chair and came closer to us “like… the entire family ?”

“ I’m afraid so.”

“You know what guys? It makes me feel so much better that you two make rookie mistakes as well.” For the first time this night I grinned happily.

***

“It was a simple task. In and out. No obstacles. No complications. No intruders.” Bruce with his most stern expression was haranguing us, like we were some newbies in the vigilante business. Like he never did anything wrong while fighting. I mean, I’m sorry, let me recall this statement. Of course, he never made any mistake. He was the Batman.  “Could you tell me, what went down there, that now one of you is about to be put in the cast and the other is pacing around my cave?”

“Sorry, Bruce, I’m just overly excited because of the fact Y/N won’t be able to run away from my surprise hugs for a while” Dick grinned and his statement made me curse under my nose.

“What happened there? And focus on the facts.” Bruce sighed and his face dropped a bit.

“I’m not really sure.” I tapped my chin “What do you think, Dick? What happened there?”

“I thought you hurt your leg, not your brain?”

“Side effect, I suppose.”

“That’s a shame.”

“I’m just giving you the opportunity to come up with a reliable story before Jay gets here and tear the batcave down in his fit of anger.”

“Fair point.” Dick nodded “how about this: a ninja came out of nowhere…..”

“A ninja?” both me and Bruce asked in unison, his voice desperate, mine incredulous of his idea.

“What? I hate ninjas.” Dick shrugged

“We know.” we both retorted together once again.

“I’ll just tell him I ditched you on the field and tripped while returning to the manor. I like this rebellious strike this story gives me. You know, that whole I don’t give a fuck attitude.” I chimed in before Dick could develop his idea further.

“Oh, he will never believe that you left me alone.”

“And why exactly not?”

“’Cause everyone knows you have a soft spot for me, Y/n. You wouldn’t endanger my health and life this way. It’s simply improbable.” His smile was so ridiculously confident it made me question my sanity.

“In your dreams, Grayson. “

***

With some help I was transported to my room, while I had to wait for the family doctor, Jonah Hill to come and put me in the cast. The thought of being benched for so long made me feel like vomiting. Up to that I was still wondering why the hell all the Waynes, including Cass and Steph were now back from the patrol and the person I needed most was out of reach. It made me worried and spinning into belief something might have happened to him. Luckily, Tim was there to keep me company.

“How are you doing, Ego?”

“I’m about to be crippled, can you imagine?” I rolled my eyes and Tim pursed his lips “Sorry, Tim, I didn’t mean to be harsh. I need to switch the mode from the one tuned onto your older brothers to the one tuned on you.”

“How is that different?” he asked sitting on the edge of the bed.

“With Dick, it sometimes feels like he see the little girl in me and I have to prove that I’m a grown up, capable of handling myself. With Jason, you know, we tease each other, we bicker and spite but it’s just a common sense of dark humor we both understand and that brings us closer. With you, I can be more sensitive, withdraw for a while without thinking I’m losing, drop all the pretenses.  I think out of everyone in this family you are the most insightful and I really, really like that, Tim. You might be the only one that brings some sense of peace to the Waynes. ” I smiled

“Thank you y/n/n.”

“You see, that’s consciously used nickname. I haven’t heard it in a while.”

“Just had a feeling it might lift your spirit.” He squeezed my hand lightly and I reciprocated.

“It did. Thank you too.”

“Y/n. Tim.” a male voice reverberated from the entrance.

“Morning, doctor.” Tim nodded in acknowledgement.

“Hi, Jonah” I smiled. He might have been an esteemed doctor etc., but he was dealing with this family for way too long to use his title. He has seen many, many injuries of Dick, Jason and mine, some more embarrassing then others, never knowing the real stories behind getting them. I mean, of course, no one ever told him we were Gotham’s vigilantes. Besides, he was at the same age as Dick, so I treated him like a friend, rather than someone who I should keep distance from. Even if he wanted more and was very clear about it in the past. Before me and Jay got together.

“What happened this time?” Jonah smirked

“Not much. Just casual broken leg.”

“Out of everyone I met in my practice you are excelling when it comes to self-distance. And you are a Wayne.”

“I was never legally adopted.” I pointed out.

“But you were raised by Wayne. With all the respect he’s not the one to joke about himself.”

“Can’t blame him for that” Tim muttered obviously referring to the part of our life Jonah had no idea about. “I’ll leave you two to it. I believe you are in good hands Y/n and …..”

“Can’t you be my emotional support here, Timmy?” I whined eyeing him with doe eyes. Maybe, subconsciously I didn’t want to be alone with Jonah. He still had that unintelligible tendency to flirt with me. Directly. Even if he knew I was with Jay. (speaking of the devil, I was still wondering what the hell was with him.) “Please?” this sounded more desperate than intended  but it was hard to give the air to the handsome doctor who I was not interested in but with who I had to keep good relationship. For the sake of the family and our health of course.

“Y/N?” Before Tim was able to answer Damian peeked through the half-open door. This little demon. Ever since he arrived at the Wayne Manor he had learn so much about people, emotions and relationships. Thanks to his natural intelligence he quickly figured out why I was acting strange around some family friends  and felt the need to keep me safe from any intrusion. Much to Jay’s annoyance since the red bat felt like his brother was stealing his job from him. What was even better about Damian was that he developed the ability to switch between his assassin, cold, sneaky self and the charming, innocent, youngest member of the family. And now, using his softest voice he was asking permission to come in and accompany me in the medical procedure. He looked almost sweet. Only Tim and I noticed the murderous glint in his eyes. He wanted to watch over me, rather than expand his knowledge.

“Come on in, Damian. I bet dr. Hill has nothing against your presence here, isn’t it right, Jonah?”

“Um… I…..” the MD stuttered and that gave away the fact that he was in fact going to flirt with me again and Damian just got in the way.

“See, Dami. Told you. “ I smiled and patted a spot next to me on the bed “You can even take a place here if you’d like.”

“Mhm. I think I’d like that.” He smiled, but this time it was more predatory then before “I could observe carefully.” And with those words, he jumped on the bed.

I really loved this silent connection with Damian. We never needed any words to communicate. It was extremely hard to get to him at the beggining, but unlike everyone else, who was approaching him with caution and gentleness I never did it. He was an assasin. He was dangerous, sometimes. He was harsh and extremely direct in his opinions. But that was what I liked about him. And while everyone focused on showing him the meaning of friendship and family, introducing Dami to the other part of life, he never knew about, I was rather concentrated on proving to him that all the traits he possesed that people assumed were bad could actually be used for his benefit. I think that was why in time we developed pretty strong bond.

***

“I think that would be it….” a while later Jonah finished his work and started gathering  utensils, almost shaking under Damian’s predatory gaze. He did not have enough time to get used to the little Wayne.

“You can ease up, now.” I whispered when the doctor turned around “I think you scared him enough. And besides, he’s leaving now.”

“Whatever.” Dami shrugged but eased up his glare. A bit.

“I guess I’ll see you in two weeks, Y/N. Just to make sure everything goes in the right direction with healing.”

“Sure. You know I appreciate your care Jonah. We all do, right Dami?”

“Sure.” the boy crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes

“I… um… I’m gonna go now. I know the way, no need to see me out and …..”

“Where is she?!” of course Jason chose this moment to burst through the door and immediately collided with the other man “What the hell are you doing here?!”

“Dr. Hill came to provide medical attention, Jason. Which I desperately needed.” I explained in the low voice, accenting some parts of the sentence just to spite my boyfriend further.

“I was just leaving.” Jonah stuttered. Guess he still remembered his last confrontation with my jealous boyfriend. To tell the truth, I remembered it too - the aftermath were quite pleasurable, Jay made sure of that.

“Good for you” Jason hissed “farewell, doctor. Now, off you go too, demon. I need Y/N for myself.”

“Are you sure she wants it?” Damian stood up in front of Jay, the height and posture difference being so comical I couldn’t help a single laugh.

“Pretty positive.”

“Why don’t we ask her then? Y/N, do you want Todd to stay?”

“Hm. I’m not sure…..” I tapped my chin thoughtfully

“WHAT?! How can you not be….?!”

“You are late, Jay. How does the saying goes? You snooze you lose?” Damian smirked upon my words.

“Y/N!” Jason exclaimed.

“Oh, and now you are yelling at me.” I pouted “And I’m severely injured. And in extreme pain. This is just so… so…. “ I sobbed in a phony matter “… unfair….”

“Oh, come on….” he gasped and threw hands in the air in desperation “this is way too dramatic for you.”

“Yeah, you’re right” I dropped the theatrics immediately. It was no fun pretending when he already knew I was doing it. “I’ll be fine, Dami. You can go. Thanks for staying though, it was funny observing Jonah so intimidated.”

“If you need anything......”

“Don’t worry, demon. I got her covered.” Jace practically pushed Damian out the door and closed it tightly. “He’s a menace.”

“He’s… intense. But we both know he is a good boy, Jace.”

“Yeah, whatever you say.” He shrugged standing in place. Oh, the war of nerves he was waging against me. Of course, he was not going to show any care. At least not in the beginning. But I wasn’t going to relent. If he wanted teasing, teasing he would get.

“Guess I’ll be benched for a while.” I pointed towards my leg “and that means Jonah will be coming here to check on me. I wonder if he’s going to be as friendly as usually when he gets me alone.”

“Stop saying his name!” he hissed and fell onto the bed next to me, cupping my cheek. Unlike his harsh voice, the touch was so gentle caring and loving. “Stop talking about him. I hate that guy. He almost stole you from me.” He moved closer, leaning his forehead on mine and then he realized “You did this on purpose didn’t you, my girl?” 

“Of course. But I love how it turned out.” I stretched my arms and locked them around his neck pulling him closer. “Hi, Jace.”

“Hi, baby.” He pecked my lips chastely and rubbed my sides carefully “How are you feeling?”

“I’ll survive. If anything I would die out of boredom in the next weeks.”

“We’ll figure something to keep you entertained.”

“Like helping Babs in her woman in the chair position?”

“For starters. You will get to see me in action on the big screen, how does that sound?”

“I’ll make a crack video.” I laughed at him and he frowned “Hey, don’t be mad, Jay.” I laid my head on his shoulder and he exhaled deeply, playing with the strand of my hair.

“I could never be mad at you.”

“Is that a challenge?” I sneaked a peek at him.

“Ok, stop it now. I’m trying to be thoughtful and caring here. You’re ruining the moment.”

“Sorry. Guess I have tendency to push the point.” I sighed and felt his arms wrap tighter around me. It must have been hard and uncomfortable to hold me like this, with my leg outstretched but he did not complain. “What took you so long? Are you all right, Jaybird?”

“I’m good. Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner, baby, I played a vital part in the ambush for the …..”

“ I know. I knew the plan we were executing. I was just worried and the crazy thoughts kept creeping in and ..... ”

“Hey. Stop spiraling. It's about you, not me.” he pulled away “look at me” I followed and once again our gazes met, making me melt. Jason was stubborn like a mule, ironic, impenetrable, acting like an edgelord towards everyone and keeping his distance. But when someone (like me) was persistent enough to get through, all the good things inside him were enough to cover up for the worse ones. Now, he was looking at me with so much love, attention and care it was indescribable ”I love you.” he whispered slowly, eyes never leaving mine and tears started falling down my cheeks. Guess we both sucked when it came to good emotions. 

“I love you too Jason. So freaking much. Please, don’t leave me now.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. But you need rest. Your body needs rest. Let it have it. I’ll keep you safe.”

“From who?” I laughed and he followed.

“Anyone.” Jason answered kissing the top of my head. “You do realize you will have to stay in the manor until you heal, right?”   

“Look who’s ruining the moment now.”

***

Third person POV

10 hours later.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” Dick hissed when he saw Y/N walking around in the batcave “You are injured!”

“It’s not an excuse for being lazy.”

“I swear you are getting worse than Tim. You need rest!”’

“Mhm, sure, someone told me that before. I think I got enough sleep for a lifetime. And now….”

“Do you want me to call upon Damian?”

“I don’t think he respects you enough to come upon a call. He wouldn’t listen. Besides, what would he do?”

“Do you want me to call Jason?”

“Getting desperate here, Dickie?”

“Y/N.”

“What? I just… I want to help you guys. It’s 9 p.m., normally I would be preparing for patrolling and my body just falls into this pattern, adrenaline kicking in. I won’t be able to stay here doing nothing.”

“We’ll be fine.”

“Sure. Remember what happened last time you said it?”

“Care to remind me?”

“You got shot!”

“Minor inconvenience. And it healed fast.”

“I swear everyone in this family is insane.” She turned around to the extend her cast allowed her and threw hands in the air dramatically.

“You included?”

“Of course me included. It comes with even standing close to you or Bruce. You are like a disease.”

“You’re my favorite too, Y/N. Now go. The hell. Upstairs.

***

She swore she won’t be able to fall asleep, but her organism knew better. Or rather Jason knew better. When he saw her limping up the stairs, he just breezily, yet mindful of the leg picked her up and tucked in the bed.

“I hate it!” she pouted trying to get out again.

“Don’t even think about it” Jason warned.

“I’m not thinking, I’m simply doing.” she threw the blanket away but Jason was quick to take action.

“The hell you are.” taking her by surprise he laid in the bed next to her, putting an arm around her, nailing her to the mattress. “I’m not letting you out.”

“So what, now I’m a prisoner?” she shifted only to lay on the side and face him.  

“Am I a punishment for you? Is that what you are saying?”

“No” she sighed “this shit on my leg is.”

“I should really kick the ass of the one responsible for letting it happen.”

“That would be me, Jay.” She pointed out “Are you really ready to fight me?”

“We’ll spar after you get back to full health.”

“I’ll hold you to this word.” she smiled lightly “You know, I like it when you’re here, next to me…. Maybe I should not let you go.” Her hand travelled up his muscled arm and then down, tracing all the scars and cuts, relishing in his presence and this little moment of peace and open vulnerability. “Not that I hold such power over you, of course.”

“Sure not. You’re getting a bit too cocky here, sweetheart.”

“Hm.” She muttered “Can I at least keep you until it’s time to go?”

“I think I can manage that. But since we got only like an hour left, how about I compensate for it by bringing you closer to me?”

“I think I can manage that” she whispered and hummed softly when his hands found her waist pulling her in and shifting positions so that he was lying on his back and her head landed on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The fact that they didn’t need any words to fill in the silence was the perfect indicator of how they felt about each other. Much to her displeasure she slowly started drifting off, lulled by Jason’s touch and gentling, his warmth and safety she felt with him. “Come back to me in one piece….” She muttered before the sleep enveloped her fully.

***

It was so damn hard to leave her and Jason’s heart ached at the simple thought of being forced to wriggle out of her embrace. Said hour later, Y/N was deeply asleep next to him, her warm, soft body being the sweetest weight he could imagine. Only now he realized he would have to go through the entire night without being able to hear her bickering through the comms and it made him shiver. She was probably the only one to understand his wicked sense of humor and help him keep his cool and remnants of level – headedness without falling back into the killing and violence with which he acted right after the pit. He loved her. He would give her everything and yet, she would settle for anything from him. She always claimed that his protectiveness was welcomed but not necessary. She didn't need his action, she needed him, his presence, time and soul. It was hard to comprehend at the begginig, but he was slowly learning how to love and be loved fully.

Jason closed his eyes, feeling her breathe calmly next to him. She was right, it’s been a while since they have been this peaceful and this close together and he hated the thought of being forced to break it. But she would understand. After all, she was a vigilante as well, familiar with the night patrols. And she would never ask him to stay back just for her whim.

Involuntarily, reluctantly, he started moving, the coldness of the air immediately replacing the softness and happiness he felt with her. Y/N whined quietly and adjusted her sleeping position to his absence, her hair falling straight onto her face due to the movement. Jason smiled, tucking them over her ear and caressing her cheek, which made the girl lean into the touch.

“Enough.” He had to bring himself upright. One more touch or kiss and he would forget about Gotham, patrols, missions and his entire family and lie down next to her again. She thought being benched would be hard for her, and yet never realized how much he would struggle through it.  

***   

“Babs…..” Y/N limped into the cave, dressed in Jay's hoodie and rubbing her eyes.

“Rough night?” the red haired girl turned from the computer, facing her younger friend.

“Something like that. I had a nightmare.”

“About? If you want to talk about it of course.“

“Nothing explicit” Y/N shrugged and perched on the edge of the desk “mission going wrong, people getting hurt…. the usual stuff.”

“You need something to keep your mind busy?”

“Yes, please. What do I do?”

“You have some tech skills, so you can be the one to walk boys through the patrol tonight” Babs smirked

“You want me to take your place?”

“Not fully. I’m not quitting my job just yet. But you can be the support. From what I see Red Hood has been unusually violent today and someone needs to pacify this one.”

“I’m not sure if it’s good idea for me to do it.” Y/N hesitated, picking her fingernails.

“And why exactly not?” Barbara frowned and eyed Y/N carefully “you’re working together on a daily basis. You are a couple. You know how to get to him.”

“I…. I don’t want to, Babs.”

“Why?”

“Cause he’s out there and I’m here. If anything happened I won’t be able to rush for help and…..”

“You’re worried.” Babs stated

“Maybe. But please, don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. I promise. And believe me, I get it. When I was forced to hang the mantle of batgirl and Dick was out on the streets, I felt the exact same thing. But it’s just something you learn it time in relationship. You learn to let go of  your own fear for the benefit of the other person. You have to learn it or it will consume you and eventually lead to fights and misunderstandings.”

“Can you help me with it, Babs? I… I really don’t want to mess up what I have with Jay.”

“Sure y/n. I’ll help you. And I’ll make sure Dick have the same conversation with your boy.”

“I don’t…..”

“Hey, relax. It would be just brotherly talk. Jace is a prick but he loves you. But love needs to be mature. And he’s not there yet, sometimes he acts too emotional for the sake of both of you. I only do it because I care about you.”

“Thank you, Babs.”

"What are friends for?" Barbara nodded and would probably add something more if it wasn’t for the voice coming out of the speakers.

“Oracle, are you there? Why aren’t you responding?”

“I’ve just had important conversation with Ego, Nightwing.”

“About what?”

“Emotions. And you won’t like what I will ask you to do after you get back from patrol."

"Given our history together I think nothing can surprise me anymore."

"I'm sorry, is anyone working there? I need some intel!"

"Polite as usual, Red." Babs hissed "And in fact...." she glanced at me "I'm taking a night off."

"Whatever. I'll just handle myself then."

"Ego will guide you tonight." Babs smirked and I mentally facepalmed. She was so much like Dick at times.

"I hate you" I muttered but took her place in front of the screen "Hello Hood. Guess I won again. You are condemned to my advice."

"I think this is going to be an interesting night then, Ego."

"Oracle! Get Ego and Hood off the line now." Bruce hissed through the comms. "I swear I am working with immature kids."

"We're working on growing up, Bruce. We really do." Babs smiled, with zero intention of listening to his orders. Guess I was in charge after all and in fact, I started getting the feeling it would be quite enjoyable.

@pinksirensong