#the first episode? how fucking Happy he is to see everyone after that first mass?

[m-archived]

it's (almost) midnight thoughts time with arieeeesss. and i'm just thinking about how so many people like to incorrectly interpret john as being intentionally evil when i believe his intentions were very truly pure. yes, those intentions got warped by others (the angel and beverly, to be exact), but he wanted nothing more than a second chance — not only for himself and for millie, but for the entire island. he brought the angel to the island with the intent to save everyone, as he had been saved; he had no idea what he would turn into in the weeks to come. and when that did happen, he was desperate to make it make sense in his mind, in his faith; if it's a blessing from god, then it's a small price to pay for eternal youth and another chance at life. he did not bring the angel to crockett with intentions of being a cult leader, or with the idea that he was the second coming of jesus christ, or any of that. he brought the angel to the island to save his community — the people who'd been the closest thing to a family that he'd had in all of his years of priesthood.

[god-syndicate-if]

Alright, how would ros react to a shy mc who is endlessly being hit on (and who needs help and looks over with the "save me" eyes)?

A classic! I love these. I'm assuming this is at Elysium or a party or something.

Riley:

Crushing: Walks up and stands next to you, then begins to cut the other person off, explaining in detail lore about some obscure fantasy series. If the person doesn't get the hint they'll just never let the other person talk and will interpose themselves between the two of you.

Relationship: Pushes them into a broom closet and locks the door so the two of you can enjoy the party.

Franco:

Crushing: Will join them actually. Sorry but now you're being double flirted with.

Relationship: Politely informs them that you're taken and then he'd proceed to get that person to hook up with one of his band members instead, so everyone's happy.

Verne:

Crushing: As inelegantly as possible they'll walk over and tell the other person to fuck off.

Relationship: This is fun because they don't like to show their feelings to the public, but they also like to make sure people knows what is "theirs", And they're just generally protective over the people they care for. So this position they're in now will make them act kind of stupid because they'll be out of their depth. It'll be a toss up between them just walking over and kissing you really hard in front of the other person. Or threatening the other person. Either way they'll be ready to fight.

Mitch:

Crushing: Turns their drink into the nastiest alcohol he's ever had so when they take a sip they're immediately disgusted. When they turn to get a new one he'll shoot you a "gtfo" glance. If you don't get the fuck out then that's on you.

Relationship: "They're taken. Move on."

Sigourney:

Crushing: Walks up carrying her drink and "accidentally" trips and falls on the other person. Apologizes profusely and helps them clean up. If she REALLY wants to be petty she'll try to spill something that will stain.

Relationship: Ignores the other person and says something to you that makes note of your relationship with her and how she knows you better than the other person. Something like "Lets go home, darling. I know you're not a fan of crowds. The new episode of that show came out today, we can watch that." Pretends she didn't know the other person was hitting on you, like you and them were having a normal conversation.

Dame:

Crushing: Just stands behind the person flirting with you and very loudly says something like "God, You're pathetic." Proceeds to start a yelling match probably, giving you time to sneak off.

Relationship: Ignores the person flirting with you at first. They'll walk up to you, slip a hand around your waist and get really close. Whisper that they'd like to go home. After a short quiet conversation between the two of you they'll finally look to whoever was bothering you, give them a glance up and down, and give a little smirk before walking off with you. They won't say anything as it'd drop them to the other person's level. They're able to EASILY insult that person to hell and back with a look alone.

Rebel:

Crushing: Will not save you. She's going to watch and see what you do. But she will make note of the person. She won't let them become a threat.

Relationship: (Wrestling announcer voice) "HERE COMES REBEL WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!!" Joking, but only kind of... She'd probably start some sort of mass panic in the party. A fire is the most likely. Then when the crowd is fleeing she'd grab the person bothering you, pulling them away from the panic, and make sure they never bother you again.

[camillescreations]

FINAL PART of my ofmd season 2 teaser analysis!

The last thing I want to talk about before I get into my predictions for the order of events is the constant "Ed wants to murder Stede" imagery and dialogue. We get Olu asking Stede "Do you think Blackbeard's gonna murder you?" And several other hints, like the knife throwing shot

And this shot, where it's clearly meant to represent Ed pointing a gun at Stede (near his heart?)

And then we get this shot of Ed holding the groom cake topper and saying "Fuck you, Stede Bonnet."

So clearly, there's some serious tension on Ed's side. I don't think their reunion is going to go very smoothly, at least at first. But I don't think it'll go bad in the end, as it's super clear Ed still loves Stede. Like, a lot. He's just mad at him for breaking his heart.

And, I'll add, while we are getting all of these hostile vibes from Ed, on Stede's end, there's NOTHING but love. He says he loves being near Ed, breathing the same air as him, he's always thinking about him (okay poet go off). Stede is so smitten and it's so heartbreaking and adorable at the same time.

Okay! On to my very loose prediction for a possible order of events, simply based on this trailer and the images Vanity Fair released.

So we will likely open with Olu looking through his telescope, spotting Stede approaching. They all reunite, and Stede asks where Ed and everyone else is. They explain what Ed did, and then Stede decides that they're all getting off the island and finding the Revenge. I'm guessing they all row away in stedes little boat (is it big enough for all of them?). They go to the nearest land mass, and end up on an island. I'm thinking this is the place where this picture is from.

And we get the scene of Stede grabbing the Wanted poster, telling his crew that Ed isn't a bad guy, etc. I'm guessing it's here that Stede asks around for information on Blackbeards' whereabouts. Maybe Stede doesn't find anything out, so he assumes Ed could be sailing to China, like they discussed on the beach. So they're off to China. But before that, there's a scene of Stede throwing his message in a bottle into the ocean. Also, my guess is that he wrote the note on the back of the wanted poster. Maybe he crossed some things off on the other side, like crossed out all the bad stuff and rewrote good stuff. All sappy-like.

Then, I'm guessing still in the first episode, maybe the beginning of the second, we see our first scene of Ed's crew. It starts with the wedding scene, and then we cut to Ed saying "objection" and the chaos ensues. Ed grabs the cake toppers and then later on we have the scene of Ed placing his painted bride topper next to the Stede one. Also maybe when he says to the stede topper "fuck you Stede Bonnet," he'll throw it overboard? That would be another symbolism of "Ed is gonna try and kill Stede, or at least he feels like he wants to in the moment." We can get a nice ominous shot of the topper sinking into the murky ocean.

So Stede's group is on their way to China, and stop at the floating market maybe? And maybe thats where they meet Anne Bonny. Not sure how that will go down. But later on they arrive at China, somewhere along the way meet Susan, and we get the scene of Olu asking Stede if Blackbeard will murder him, and also we'll get Stede's crew in their Chinese outfits. Also probably the scene with Buttons and the Chinese pirates.

What I'm wondering about this image in particular is what are they so surprised/happy about? They are probably seeing a familiar face(s). If it's the crew of Ed's Revenge, this could be where they all find each other again (without Ed, because he's on a beach somewhere). Or maybe it's just Lucius somehow?

So at some point in the middle of all this we might cut to the knife throwing scene with Ed and Izzy, and then maybe after the big storm will hit. That will throw Ed overboard, and the Revenge will be left without a captain once more. Izzy will be very concerned and determined to find Edward, but maybe he will unwittingly lead the crew back to Stede's group in the process?

Okay so once everyone is reunited, Izzy isn't on great terms with Stede, but he could use his help finding Ed, so they form an alliance. Stede gets his ship back, and they are on their way to find Ed. Along the way, we see the "I did a punch!" scene, I'm guessing that happens because the Revenge stormed another vessel? And Izzy agrees to train Stede, hence the sword scene with the candles. Maybe they're training for an upcoming battle? The Vanity Fair article did mention that two armies would be present during the season, one side being Chinese pirates and the other side being navy officers.

And of course we will get scenes of Ed on the beach, having to fend for himself. His makeup will be gone and his beard will have grown a bit longer, which is how we know a bit of time has passed. I wonder if Ed's time on the island will be good or bad for him. Maybe the isolation and time to think, and cool off, will allow him to warm back up to Stede? This could lead to him finding the message in a bottle, too. It would be a pretty funny coincidence.

So I'm thinking that Stede and Ed reuniting happens after a few episodes, maybe episode 4? It would parallel the first season, as Ed didn't show up until episode 3/4. And there's some animosity at first, but they still love each other, so they make up again. Hopefully with that "major romantic moment" Vanity Fair mentioned! And then there will be a build up to the final battle.

And then there's this image, where Ed is wearing Buttons' jacket and sitting next to Spanish Jackie, who looks to be dressed up.

This seems like a potentially sweet scene. Ed has no makeup, his beard is longer (like this photo)

So its obviously later in the season, and he appears to be staring at something/someone lovingly. I'm guessing he's looking at Stede, and this is near the end of the season where everything has calmed down and the whole crew is having fun. Maybe they're finally doing their talent show?

Then of course we have the "Izzy loves Edward" plot line that will surely tug at our heartstrings. I'm looking forward to seeing how that plays out!

Ok, so that's all I've got at the moment. Feel free to tell me your thoughts/predictions in the comments! Here's hoping we get a full length trailer before October so I can analyze some more!

[so-long-soldier-writes]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLo43mYH/ this scene is perfect evidence that Kai and Damon could’ve been besties if given the chance. They’d be such good frenemies

Hahaha, I just watched that episode last night!! But I always think that, too! They would've been such good besties / frenemies, and we were honestly robbed of that. Especially with Kai as a heretic, where they're bad influences on each other. 😂

Like Damon doesn't seem to be too pissed off at Kai, in season 8, for putting Elena in a coma, and Kai doesn't seem too stale about Damon killing him in season 6, that they can't immediately start teaming up again. Because when Ric wants to kill Kai when he shows up at the Armory, Damon prevents that, and then immediately go fuck around at a diner.

It'd be so funny to see everyone's reactions to them slowly becoming besties. Damon's ofc denying it the whole time, but the girls are like, no, you're totally becoming more lenient with him and engaging in his tomfoolery. And Kai never really expected to become buddies with Damon, of all people, but he's glad to have a buddy nonetheless and is happy he's found such a reckless and crazy one.

Maybe the more Ric starts to spend every night with Jo, Damon ends up at the bar with Kai as company. Or, if Kai's a heretic, Ric is distant from everyone following his fiancé's death, and is rather perturbed by Damon's budding frenemy-ship with the mass murderer.

But regardless of the situation, for the longest time, they only see each other as a way to get information, and then after one particular night of drinking, both get the nose-wrinkling realization that they're kinda friends.

I can see so many text conversations complaining about the people around them. Kai bitching about the guy next to him at the bar. Damon mad about lurking Liam, or Ric not answering his texts. I can see Kai inviting himself over to the Salvatore house, or Damon inviting himself in the stool beside Kai's, and in either situation, them drinking and cracking jokes and pissing each other off, but then making up by the end of the night.

The first time they went on a blood binge together, it was a mess. Kai's not exactly clean, and while Damon's had a hundred years to learn, he loses his manners around the younger vamp. The alleyway beside the grill became stained with blood, but as soon as Damon sensed the approach of recently-titled Sargent Donovan, he ushered Kai back to the Salvatore house to finish their feast on stored bags. They laughed about it the whole way back, and the only thing to sober them up was the cold hard stare of one judgmental Stefan.

Despite all the fun times they have together, they've definitely had times where they've gotten too drunk or too in their feels and shared horror stories from their similar, terrible childhoods. Kai started it because he's not used to having people to talk to, nor is he used to having the heightened senses of a vampire. Something small reminded him of his childhood, maybe a dad clearly burdened with his son, or a nasty comment made at a dinner party going south. Kai sharing a memory about his father's treatment sparked Damon to share something about his own. They learn both their fathers were cruel, while both their mothers stood by and let it happen. After that, they were closer and more trusting of each other, yet never told anyone else what they had shared, and therefore, no one understood, but that was fine.

But yes, I totally see them as slow-burn besties, where a mutual distaste brought them together as actual friends. This is an itty-bitty portion of my thoughts on how fun they'd be together; they'd be such menaces together, full of jokes and bad ideas, but also could be such support systems for each other, given the time (and enough booze). There's a lot of similarities in their childhoods and I think they could find common ground in that. Again, I think we were robbed of a bestie-ship, and I was so hoping Kai would be around longer in season 8, because he and Damon were so funny together in those episodes!

[starlightshadowsworld]

Danganronpa 3 Future Arc episode 11

Thonks.

I had no predictions or anything for this.

Ohh shit we're getting back to the past with the end of the first game.

That giant door.

I always wondered if we'd see this moment.

... Yeah the world looks, fucked.

Oh, I didn't think the future foundation found them this early.

"Hopes Peak has been liberated" not cos of anything you guys did.

Ohhh, so Junko got away with it because Chisa didn't think she was behind all of this.

Which is something we now know Juzo would've backed up.

Confirmation Chisa still despaired.

Back to the present.

I like how Asahina is giving the evidence, it's Kyoko's notes but it's nice she's on the detective team too.

... WAIT... What?!

It was a suicide... A mass suicide?

No one was murdered by an attacker, everyone just killed themselves.

... What?!

Welcome to Danganronpa 3 the anime, enjoy the ride, wipe your tears and don't forget to go fuck yourself.

So every body was found next to a monitor?

... And now Makoto is tied up and somethings gonna happen at the time limit?

I am so confused.

Bringing up that Kyoko would've been pissed he'd reached his limit rn and the promise he made Komaru.

Sweet and I admire your determination, but it's making me nervous.

OHHH so a new attacker gets picked every time, and they figured out the next one is Makoto.

People joke that Danganronpa is basically Mafia, this is literally Mafia.

... Just a lot more bloody.

The bracelets wake you up when you're near a monitor and than tell you're the attacker.

I like that, that's clever.

And it's not live like every other footage usually is, it's a recording.

I didn't think we'd be getting Monokuma theatre.

It's about time.

.... Nevermind this is werid, it's just the song playing in reverse... Ohhh shit... It's the brainwashing stuff isn't it?

Oh no.

WHAT?! KYOKO?... SAYAKA?!

... Oh no...

So they get to your fears and worries and drive you into wanting to kill yourself.

... Fuck... And Makoto is the worst person to be in this because he already has so much survivors guilt.... Oh no.

Talk about a class reunion.

O....fuck...no, Makoto!

I am genuinely horrified.

And than it shifts to their dead bodies too...

When Kyoko died I said something like if Makoto can smile after this, it's a miracle.

That... But times it by infinity.

I did not expect this to be the route they went down, that Makoto would be seeing his entire fallen classmates telling him he should've died.

Oh this so awful.

... Okay I did laugh at Mondo being a puddle of butter with a coat on top.

That was funny.

But this is still all horrifying.

Cut back to the real world and he's just... Screaming and crying while tied up.

This is painful, this hurts so much.

Poor Makoto.

.... And it drops you a blade... Oh no... Someone wake up, please..

... PLEASE...

Also Munakata you didn't tie him down properly.

His eyes!

His flowing red and white despair filled eyes....

Wait Juzo's alive?!

I'm relieved he stopped Makoto but I'm also not happy that he's choking him.

At least Makoto's back... I need to sit down, but I'm already sitting.

Oh God that was... What the fuck... What the fuck.

Oh and Juzo cut his arm off, okay sure why not.

Makoto you are waay to cheerful after... That.

Wasn't expecting this erm... Reflection from Juzo but you know yeah. Yeah you were all manipulated.

Wait Juzo wanted Makoto to die since he left Hopes Peak? What? Because he defeated Junko and you couldn't?

...That is, so dumb.

I appreciate you feeling bad for everything and that pissed she manipulated you which caused all of this.

But that's not Makoto's fault.

Time to destroy the monitors.

Wait, it was the Director?!

What?

Okay so Munakata knows Chisa was with the Remnants and that she and Juzo vouched for Junko.

That sucks.

I don't think anyone could accuse you, Juzo Sakakura of being a softy.

Go to him, let him confess his... Very obvious feelings for you.

Oh yeah you did leave him to die, but you could not do that now? Maybe?

Oh he running! Oh he running! But I think it's too late... Yup...

Wow I was not expecting Makoto to just casually go to Ryota like "huh werid video... You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?"

Chills Makoto, chills.

"You have a message from Tengan"

... What?!

[demonicintegrity]

So I have watched ep 4 of Harry and Meghan last night. (I know I’m late, life is like that lmao)

What strikes me again is first is the formula of the first episode of each volume being almost split. The first is half is quite happy and then something goes wrong.

(I also didn’t pay attention to the wedding as it was happen so this was kinda my first actual look at it. Very pretty! I’m glad the wedding remains a very happy memory for them. As does Meghan being able to talk to the late queen casually and see a good grandmother figure in her)

The next is thing is Meghan echos a sentiment I also have, that who would take a tabloid seriously? Perhaps it’s a British thing, because among my American friends is that kitschy tabloids aren’t good for anything serious. They’re there for when you’re waiting at the salon and you’re bored. Or you skim the headlines when you’re checking out at the grocery store. But then again, as soon as youre invested in celebrity drama the source doesn’t matter too much. And this isn’t to say Americans don’t read tabloids, I think a majority of us just get that sorta thing online and see it as a separate entity. Physical tabloids aren’t as popular here as the documentary says they are in Britain.

From there is the birth of Archie. I never realized they (and by they its seems mostly Meghan) were called selfish for not wanting a photo op so sooner after labor. I can’t believe they wanted her to give up the doctor she had built a relationship with to have that photo op.

And here’s where they say something interesting. When trying to find a compromise of the birth plan for the media(!?) no one stops them, but also implies that the tabloids will be fine with it. And then they weren’t. And of course Meghan is one to take the fall for it because -checks notes- she didn’t want to compromise her doctor??? Have two days with her newborn son and not have to be The Duchess for two seconds?? Labor is exhausting and it takes weeks to recover. But of course, this family is expected to preform at every single moment.

Fucking insane. It’s not even racist bullshit you’re not surprised by anymore. It’s straight up entitlement to other people’s lives. And on one hand that shouldn’t surprise me because American media and masses are about the same, but on the other hand holy shit.

(I keep going about this episode for a w h i l e hence the read more)

Harry makes a really good point, it’s not “do you condone this or not” it’s “what have you done to try and stop it?” Because I didn’t see nor recall a single statement to the press asking them to chill out. Clarifying that Meghan and Harry are actually loved and valued members or disputing rumors and lies. Obviously they can’t do every one but it seems like they haven’t tried to do one.

This is an institution that knows it can keep benefiting from it if it shut ups. Let’s it run it’s course. This is a family that are willing to be bystanders because that’s how they were raised to be. Lil mascots to parade around for the people’s morale and entertainment. And this is why Harry’s the bad guy, he’s a lil too open about not liking that.

Someone in the younger generation of a dysfunctional family is almost always the one that’s fed up. That’s fed up life isn’t fair, that’s fed up their family isn’t in their corner, and that’s fed up no one does anything. And this turns them into the problem child. Everyone thinks Harry’s so mad because he’s whipped for his wife, when in reality this is just the snapping point.

It is so isolating when your family doesn’t stick up for you, especially against bullies and harassment. I cannot imagine how much worse it feels when it’s an entire institution and staff as well.

As much sympathy I and others have for the royal family for having to deal with a media spotlight from birth, it runs out when they repeatedly choose “keeping the peace” or other ways of not stirring the pot instead of their family. Everyone knows they were unfairly treated, and yet they chose to watch instead of doing anything. No wonder Harry seems so resentful of his family.

I truly believe if just two or three members said something. Not even consistently, but every now and again, slowly the media would ease up. The climate would change. They have power and influence but seem never up to doing the work to do something that just ever so slightly goes against the traditional flow of things. Which tells Harry he was never worth even the bare minimum of a defense. And y’all wonder why he’s so bitter about it.

(I think I’ve mentioned it before but it’s worth repeating, we are witnessing a fallout of a dysfunctional family. At the core I think that’s all this will ever be. It just gets more complicated because of royal politics. But at the end of the day its family drama.)

Meghan never wins with the media. Whether it’s day to day things or a kind gesture from her friends. She never wins. It was pointed out time and time again how her and Kate could be doing the same thing but she was always the bad guy in it.

And then there’s the Australia tour. And here’s what I didn’t know, that they became more popular than the rest of the family. And that’s why they painted her as a diva. Like I said, she never wins even when the media seems to be in her favor for two seconds.

(My grandmother shrugs that off, saying it would be hard to not be a bit of diva with being handed servants and so much influence. Maybe there’s a nugget of truth there, but I have my doubts it’s to the extent of what the tabloids are saying. And of course, no one seems to care about if the others are divas.)

And then we get the documentary on the South Africa tour. Now this I remember reading tweets and tweeting about. It is awful suffering through depression, especially if you’re not used to it. It’s even worse when no one seems to care. The only one who cares enough to ask is a reporter who is at least in part motivated by pulling an interesting dialogue, even if entirely well-meaning.

The conversation I became apart of on Twitter was in response to criticism towards the two, mostly Harry, for not providing for her or getting her help. Back then I said, how do you expect him to navigate this? Get mental health help is an obstacle, especially more so when 1) youre really busy and 2) youre in a royal bubble so what do you know about these things? Lord knows if he was ever shown any good coping skills outside of “deal with the camera.” I don’t blame him for having a hard time helping her, it’s a hard thing to help with. I hope she’s feeling better.

Now of course this episode clarified that Meghan wasn’t allowed to get help. And it makes sense, there’s still a stigma in getting therapy and help among everyone. Of course if the press knew they’d have a field day with it. Still, she should’ve gotten help. Even if it was someone in that family other than Harry checking in on her, or offering her advice on how they dealt with the pressure. But that doesn’t seem to have happened.

Suck it up buttercup ain’t exactly a helpful mantra when dealing with thoughts of suicide. I can attest to that.

And that’s why Meghan and Harry will never not have a following. Most people can relate to at least some aspect of what they’re going through. A lot of people deal with racism, or deal with depression, or deal with shitty shitty families who turn their backs on them. They will always seem like a real person vs the rest of the family which seems so detached. That’s why they’re the people’s. That’s why people believe them, they have and always will be much more genuine.

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

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–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[alaffy]

House of the Dragon, Ep.1x10 - The Black Queen (Spoilers)

As episode 9 followed one side of the upcoming war, it’s no surprise that episode 10 followed the other.  And, like the last episode, the writers take a small amount of plot and turn it into something huge.

The episode begins with Luc once again bemoaning his fate as the heir to Driftwood.  And if, by the end of this scene, you didn’t have some idea this kid was fucked....

Anyway, Rhaenys comes and tells Rhaenyra that Viserys is dead and that the Hightowers have already crowned Ageon in front of the people of Kings Landing.  On thing I appreciate here (because shows don’t normally do this), is that they take the time to explain Rhaenys’ lack of action in the last episode.  And she has a point.  Rhaenys could have killed the Hightowers in that moment, but then what?  How would that convince the people of the Seven Kingdoms that Rhaenyra is worthy of the crown.  No, if Rhaenyra wants to be Queen, she has to be the one who fights.  

However, there is more to this.  It’s very clear that Rhaenys is testing Rhaenyra; seeing what she does in order to decide if Driftwood would give Rhaenyra support or if they would just stay out of the war.  And Rhaenyra does impress her.  First, though, Rhaenyra has to deal with a more personal, and tragic, ordeal.  The stress of everything has caused Rhaenyra to go into labor early and, unfortunately, the child is stillborn (Rhaenyra also delivers her own child and then prepares its body for the funeral which...I get it’s an indication of her strength but....).  

At the funeral of the child,  Erryk Cargyll brings Rhaenyra her fathers crown and places it on her head.  The people at the funeral bow to her and so the plotting begins.  The major problem is that there’s a shortage of man power.  There are some house that will not break their oath to support Rhaenyra as Queen; but the rest are with Hightower or are questionable.  But the plotting goes no further as Otto Hightower arrives to give terms to Rhaenyra.  Rhaenyra, at first, makes it clear where those terms can be shoved; but Otto gives Rhaenyra a message from Alicent.  It’s the pages that were torn out of the book so long ago.  Rhaenyra tells them that she’ll give them her answer the next day.

So, three big things happen at this point.  One, Corlys is expected to survive and is coming to Dragonstone.  Two, Rhaenyra makes it clear that her first duty is to protect the realm.  If she cannot find a way to become Queen without the mass slaughter of innocents, then she would rather give up the crown.  This does not make Daemon...happy.  Rhaenyra clears the room and talks with Daemon, brining up the prophecy.  And this is the third major point, Daemon doesn’t want to hear what he considers fantasies and tells Rhaenyra so, after grabbing her by the throat (which, after the war, perhaps he needs to meet with an accident).  But Rhaenyra realizes that the reason why he thinks it’s a story is because Viserys never told Daemon.  More to the point, if the prophecy is always passed down from the King to his heir and Viserys never mentioned it to Daemon, then it must mean that Daemon was heir in name only; that Viserys only named his brother as successor to calm the realm, but he had no intention of actually letting his brother take the throne.  Otherwise, when it seemed unlikely that Viserys would have a son, wouldn’t he have told Daemon?

Anyway, the night passes and we cut to Corlys waking up with Rhaenys sitting by his side.  Rhaenys tells Corlys that his brother has died and why his brother died.  Not surprisingly, Corlys kinds of gets over the death fairly quickly.  However, Corlys has decided enough is enough and that he and Rhaenys should just retire to Driftwood and let everything play out.  But Rhaenys disagrees.  As she explains to Corlys, here everyone is chomping at the bit to start a war....except for Rhaenyra as she is concerned for the realm.  In other words, Rhaenys believes that Rhaenyra is the right ruler for the realm.  

Still, when Corlys goes to Rhaenyra and her council, he tests her a bit before declaring allegiance to her.  What’s more, he also offers her a plan that would make it possible to take Kings Landing with...well, it’s a war, innocents are going to die no matter what, but his plan would probably significantly reduce the number of deaths.  Rhaenyra decides she needs to get word to houses Stark, Baratheon, and a third house that escapes me. Rhaenyra believes that Baratheon will have to be reminded of his father’s oath to support Rhaenyra.  Jace suggests that he and Luke deliver the message. Rhaenyra decides that Luke should be the one to go to Baratheon.  Dead man walking.

And just to further press the point that Luke is truly the sacrificial lamb, Rhaenyra makes her sons promise that they will only be messengers and not fight and then says that Luke will be treated like royalty.  So, Luke goes to Baratheon’s and finds that Aemond has already beaten him there.  Baratheon sides with Hightower and Aemond demands Luke cut out one of his eyes (and we find out that Aemond decided to bejewel his own eye socket).  Luke refuses to fight and leaves.  

It is at this moment that Aemond decides to do something so fundamentally stupid that somehow he’s suddenly become the biggest fuck up of all of Allicent’s children.  Aemond chases after Luke on his dragon.  Now, it’s clear he isn’t really intending on doing anything to Luke besides terrorize him.  But the dragons don’t know that.  And Luke’s dragon (Arrax), believing them to be in danger, burns Vhagar (Aemond’s dragon).  Both Luke and Aemond try to get their dragons under control; but Vhagar swoops in and rips Arrax to shreds.  Which also means Luke is dead.  And it is very clear by Aemond’s reaction that he realizes that he pretty much has guaranteed that there will be a war.

And, in the final moments of the show, Daemon tells Rhaenyra what has happened (although how would they know what happened as the battle to place high in the sky, above the ocean.  Who would have seen it?).  Still, it’s very clear by Rhaenyra’s look that she’s going to go scorched earth.   

[sweetestlamb]

Bring Me To Life

Summary: Kang Sujin has never had anyone to turn to, hiding behind a façade her entire life. Someone begins to peek behind the mask. 

Author’s note: My two favorite characters in TB are Seojun and Sujin, both characters who are honestly treated like trash by the writers. I cannot begin to tell how upsetting it was to see Sujin’s character assassination or how painful it is to watch her being physically abused knowing that the writers will not give her therapy or a true happy ending. She’s just here to be beaten and vilified. Seojun, I won’t even rant everyone knows what the problem is (idk who told them we wanted to see Start-Up the high school edition.) So I wrote this after watching the most recent episode and hating most of it for these reasons. I don’t know how far it’ll go or how often I can update, but I need my two babies to have a happy ending preferably together because the visuals are just a dreammmm. 

The rain crashes down loudly from aggrieved storm clouds bellowing above her in the sky, the chilled condensation plastering her thin satin pajamas to her trembling body. She had to get out, the pain in her cheek numbing and electrifying all at once.

How dare she tell him that she didn't want to get married, want to stand on her own two feet without a man giving her value?

His hand had flown across the room before she could sidestep the blow, the fragile glass filled with water in her hand- the very reason she'd left her room in the dead of night- shattering into jagged pieces as it collided with a greater force. Just like her.

She hadn't been trying to eavesdrop but it was hard not to hear him chuckling deeply on the phone, offering up his only child like she was an item on a menu.

"Yes we should set them up. It seems Suho isn't interested and she should marry young, that's when women are worth the most."

Nausea rolled like waves in the pits of her stomach and before she could think logically, her feet were sprinting into the living room, air barely filling her lungs as she stared at the man she'd never once thought of as a father. The last time she'd made the grave mistake of calling him daddy he'd smacked her so hard that was how she lost her first tooth. He'd been father ever since or Mr. Kang. She tried her best to avoid him at all cost, she would never be good enough and it was getting harder to hide the marks he left behind.

It was difficult to remember clearly what occurred seconds after her refusal to marry a man she didn't know left her lips, his fist connected and she was knocked back onto their coffee table the sharp edge cutting at her cheek. As she looked at him, anger painting his face a demonic red, fear crippled her and her hands twitched desperately wanting to wash them raw. Then he grabbed a thick marble ashtray from the table and her instincts took over and she was out the door, running as fast as she could, knowing her life was at stake and she couldn't afford to stop.

When the cloud in her head cleared that was when she found herself at the bus stop.

Judgmental whispers breeze by her ears as people passed by with umbrellas, shocked to see the young girl crying in her pajamas at the stop, but none stopped to offer her help or inquire about her situation, happy just to pass judgement. She ignores them all, panicking racing through her blood until she's unable to breathe, choking on nothing as she twitches in the harsh air. Her throat constricts as she screams at herself, breathe. 

Breathe.

BREATHE! 

But it's useless as her body shuts down, forgetting how to do the basic function, she sways as she starts to feel light headed from the lack of oxygen and with a final wheeze she collapses. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He signs as he weaves past cars moving far too slowly, adrenaline rushing through his veins as he marginally misses nipping a car to the left of him, easily dragging his motorcycle away with the fluid movements of his body. He glares up at the sky before cursing, "Fucking weather report didn't say anything about a sudden rainstorm." If he'd known he would have stayed home, always hating the rain. It brought back bad memories.

Halting at a red light, he puts his leg down for balance bouncing slightly in place. Pulling the shield up on his helmet he glances around, recognizing the area easily, before something in his peripheral catches his attention, a lump on the ground. Tilting his head he revs his trusty iron steed to live, riding over to the direction of the mysterious mass on the wet ground. As he gets closer his heart falters, it's too evident now. 

It's a person.

Jumping off his bike and pushing out the kickstand he flings his helmet off, his hair immediately drenched under the downpour as he races over to help. As he nears the figure, it becomes clearer it's a woman wearing what looks like sleep clothes. Momentarily he wonders if this is a crazy person and if he should just mind his business but a frightening image of his little sister unconscious on the ground and no one coming to her aid flashes in his mind.

"I'll just check if she's breathing and call an ambulance. That's all, if she tries to attack me I'll just ride away." He takes a deep breath, collecting his courage before closing the gap between him and the unconscious woman.

Crouching beside her, he reaches out a hand hesitating before sighing and shaking at her cold shoulder. No response. He shakes harder now, watching the motion quake through her entire body, but still she is unresponsive.

"Hey! Hey! Are you okay? Wake up, you're scaring me!" He starts to jiggle her with both hands, before he crawls into her space not caring about his safety any longer, the idea that this unknown woman might be dead is making him nauseous. People are always dying without his permission. It's so frustrating.

"Wake up! Come on!" He shouts at the figure now holding both her shoulders and turning the woman over, lifting her face from its place on the ground, cradling her limp body in his lap. After two more vicious shakes, she starts to cough and groan in his arms. Relief swims through his veins as he watches her come back to life, anxiously watching as her dewy long lashes flutter open and he's caught in a lifeless deep gaze.

"Han Seo-Jun?"

It takes a long pause for him to register that the woman has said his name and then a longer moment to recognize who she is.

"Kang Su-Jin?" He replies in genuine shock, taking in the wom--young girl in his arms. She's shivering so violently that it's becoming difficult to hold onto her, vibrating out of his hold before he grips her tighter, whipping off his jacket without second thought and wrapping it around her. Goosebumps raising on his skin as his body mentally berates his lack of survival skills.

"What are you doing here?" She looks at him bewildered as if the stranger occurrence is his presence and not her own.

He squints his eyes looking back at her, "I could ask you the same thing. I found you unconscious here. I thought you were...." He trails off unable to utter the rest of his sentence.

"You should have left me here. Maybe I would have. If I was that lucky."

"What? Are you crazy, you want to die? Did you do this to yourself, what are you on?!" He roars at her, rage flooding his system as he shouts at the stupid girl, how dare she try to kill herself and leave her body for him to find? He wishes he had taken a different route, that he'd never come across her. He was in no state to comfort someone who was suicidal, still too raw and hurt. What was so hard about living that made people want to do that? Hot tears gather in his eyes as he abruptly pulls away from Sujin, unapologetic as she tumbles to the ground without his support.

She starts at him, stunned before righteous fury twists her features and she roars back at him.

"Who are you to judge me! I didn't ask you to help me, leave me alone!"

He glares back at her ready to yank his jacket away and run away from her but a small movement stops him, as she's screaming at him a small muscle twitches in her cheek bringing his attention to said cheek. It's nearly purple, standing out obscenely on her pale skin and then he notices the split lip and the bruises on her neck and he's so ashamed of himself he could bawl.

He deflates before speaking to her, "What happened to your face? Who did this to you?"

He doesn't know what kind of look he has on his face but before his questions can even settle between them she's sneering and twisting away from him, throwing his jacket on the ground before making her escape. Unprepared for her sudden departure he reacts too late, before chasing after her. It's easy to close the distance separating them with his long legs and within seconds she's merely inches in front of him, he reaches out a large hand to grab her wrist but hesitates recalling the bruises littering her frame. Instead he races past her, blocking her with his body swerving to the left and then the right when she tries to dodge him. They play this cat and mouse game before she finally gives up, glaring up at him with moist enraged eyes.

"Why do you care? We aren't even friends!"

Her piercing shout rings in his ears as he looks down at her passively. He can't answer that question, doesn't know what brought him to this area so late and not understanding why he was the one to find her in this condition. He doesn't know why he cares. But maybe things could have been different if Se-Yeon had someone to chase him. Maybe he'd still be alive...

So he answers her honestly.

"I don't want anymore people to die."

To his complete shock she starts to cry, tears falling rapidly from her eyes before she crumples to the ground, the rain pounding on her head and he stands still unsure of what to do before he drapes the jacket he'd rescued from the ground over her head, shielding her from most of the thunderous downpour. When she looks up to see the jacket protecting her, he almost falls backwards as her head slams into his chest, her tears simmering hot on his chilled body. It's almost painfully uncomfortable but he doesn't move away. Letting her cry on his chest, his shirt is soaked anyway this makes no difference.

He doesn't know how long they are crouched there on the ground, so dark that the sidewalk is completely devoid of anyone else, it feels like they are the only two people left on Earth.

"If we stay here you're going to get a cold."

He voices his concern but the only reply he receives is a gross sounding sniffle and he grimaces, knowing that his poor shirt is probably damaged beyond repair covered in snot and tears.

Sighing he starts to repeat himself before she whispers, "I don't have anywhere to go."

"I can take you home." Her fists tighten in his drenched shirt, he can practically feel the fear wafting off her, he'd assumed the marks on her face were from a possessive unhinged boyfriend but her reaction makes him uneasy. He tries to push those unpleasant thoughts to the corner.

"What about your friends? Why don't you call Su-ah or Ju-Kyung, I’m sure they’ll help you.” 

She stiffens in his arms before shaking her head in decline.

"No. I can't let anyone else see me like this. I don't need them looking at me the way you did, like I'm a sad pitiful puppy. I never want anyone look at me like that again."

He can respect that, he never wants to appear weak in front of others. It was easier to become angry and lash out rather than showing your true heart, nobody could hurt you that way.

"Then what? Where do you want to go?"

"I have nowhere to go. I'll stay here until morning. I'll be fine, you can go."

He looks at her dumbfounded, what kind of man would leave a battered woman alone in the rain? He wasn't raised by animals, damn it.

"Let's go." He makes a point not to touch her, their only point of connection are her hands twisted in his shirt.

"What?"

He bulldozes past her confusion, looking at her with what he hopes are comforting eyes.

"I'm taking you to my house. I can't just leave you here."

"Are you crazy? Don't you live with your mother and sister, what will they say?"

He winces at the logical inquiry, he had already considered that himself, thinking of his mother's subsequent smacks and his sister's teasing once they learned what he'd done but still deciding that he has no other choice. He can't just leave her here.

He shrugs, "That's my problem to worry about. I'm not leaving you here, I'd really like to get out of his rain. Let's go." He repeats himself harder, pleading with her.

She looks away and he's prepared to throw her over his shoulders and face the consequences when he hears her response, "Okay. Let's go."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It's a quiet ride back, the engine rumbling through the aching bones of her frozen body. Han Seojun. The last person she ever expected to see after being roused from her panic induced collapse. Her arms tighten around his thin waist as he swerves around a car, adrenaline and fear battling for dominance in her body. When her fingers accidentally brush across wet bare skin she quickly moves her hands higher, fighting the embarrassment that washes over her.

If he notices she can't hear his reaction over the roar of the motorcycle.

When they finally pull up to a small apartment, she loosens her hold on him cracking her frozen digits.

"You didn't need to hold that tightly, I wasn't going to let anything happen to you. I ride this everyday you know."

She doesn't reply focusing on getting off the bike, swinging her leg over and hopping off not graceful but effective, a small proud smile spreads on her face before she gazes back at him.

He stares back before shaking his head, as if lost in a daze before he stomps off for her to follow.

Wordlessly she trails behind him, feeling foolish in her duck pajamas, a gift from Su-ah.

When he pushes his front door open, letting her in first she steps out of her sopping wet house slippers standing awkwardly looking around.

"Stay here. I'll get towels so we don't trail too much water."

She nods at his command, gazing at the floor and seeing how much water is already pooling around her feet.

"Here." He hands her a fluffy pink towel, she raises an eyebrow at the color.

"It's the guest towel. I wouldn't give you my towel."

That makes sense, sharing towels is far too intimate for the relationship they have. That being none. 

She rapidly towels at her hair, before running the towel down her body and wrapping it around her waist.

"You can use the bathroom. It's the second door on the right. I'll bring you dry clothes."

She steps cross the doorway, finally entering his home. Before she turns back to him staring directly into his eyes, "Than.... You didn't have to do this." She loses her confidence but his answering smirk lets her know he understood enough, with that she walks to the bathroom locking herself inside.

The sight of her bruised face in the mirror makes her pause, reaching up to finger at the stark purple mark on her cheek. She's crying before she can control her emotions, tears dripping into the sink as she remembers her night, how close she was to the end despite what she said to Seojun she wanted to live. As her father stood above her ready to snuff her out like a mere nuisance in his life, she realized with a burning passion how desperately she wanted to live.

A soft knock drags her back to reality as she rapidly wipes her tears away.

"I'm leaving clothes by the door. You can come out whenever you're ready. I'm making tea."

When she hears the light steps of his feet moving away from the door she opens the door a crack, picking up the neatly folded pile of clothes. Sending the boy a mental thank you before closing the door quietly.

It's clear that these clothes belong to Seojun, draping off her body, too large for her frame, a black T-shirt with a microphone on the center and sweatpants that cover her feet as well, he'd even remembered to bring her socks. Instantly she feels her body warming as her body temperature returns to normal. 

Folding her wet clothes and splashing water on her face then using the towel to rub it dry, she exits the bathroom walking towards the light she sees assuming that's the kitchen.

"The water's almost done boiling. Sit down."

His deep voice greets her as she follows his orders and takes a seat.

"Are these your clothes?"

"What? Oh yeah they're mine, sorry my sister locked her door. They're very old though, I haven't worn them in years I thought they would fit you better." He eyes her as he says the last sentence, "I guess it didn't make much of a difference I'm just too tall and manly for my own good."

She scoffs at his narcissistic comment rolling her eyes "Tall and manly my foot. You're so skinny I could probably pick you up with one arm."

He immediately turns at her comment, affronted look on his face, "Shut up! It's hard for me to put on weight, I'm not that skinny."

He places his hands on his hips, looking down at himself before puffing his chest out to make himself appear broader, it's so ridiculous that she can't control her reaction.

Sudden uncontrollable laughter.

She laughs breathlessly, folding onto her lap trying to contain her giggles but his scandalized look makes her laugh harder and she has to stuff her face in her elbow to prevent herself from waking his family.

After a few minutes of random spasms of laughter she finally peers back up at him.

He looks just like he did outside when she'd smiled after successively getting off his motorcycle.

"What? What are you looking at?"

"Nothing. I just never see you smile at school."

"Well you never do anything worth smiling about." She quips back, wondering if she'd gone too far but he doesn't reply beyond a slight smile that's gone too fast to even be titled that, he places her steaming cup of tea before her sipping at his own after blowing on it.

They drink in comfortable silence.

She's the first to rapture the silence, "I don't need pity."

"I don't pity yo--"

"But thank you. Thank you for stopping. Thank you for this, thank you."

He stares wordlessly before nodding, a slight blush on his cheeks before he hides his face in the cup of tea. She doesn't bring attention to it.

"You can sleep in my room. It's the door next to the bathroom."

Humming she looks up, fatigue hitting her like a brick at the mention of sleeping.

"Where will you sleep?"

"I have a perfectly good couch, don't argue you're sleeping in my room. That's final. It's better that my mother doesn't see a strange woman on the couch when she wakes up."

Well, she can't argue with that logic.

"Okay." Drinking the last of the soothing beverage, she stands up walking over to place the cup in the sink.

"Good night." She starts to walk back in the direction of the bathroom, seeing another door next to it. Seojun's room. Twisting the doorknob she pushes it open, before she hears his voice from behind her.

"If you need anything I'm right outside."

Blinking her tears away, she nods without looking back, too vulnerable with his palpable concern.

When she lays her head down on his pillow, his scent fills her senses and she falls into a deep restless slumber feeling safer than she has in long time.

Tomorrow will be horrible.

But tonight, she will allow herself to breath easy knowing that someone is on her side.

[gch1995]

I just listened to ShadowStreak read part of the leaked live action CW PPG script, and while it sounds like they’ve fucked up every character worse than ever before, it sounds like they did Professor Utonium’s character the worst injustice again by turning him into a controlling, narcissistic, and shallow stage dad, which is just not who is character was at all in the classic cartoon. 

Professor Utonium had a few OOC of indifferent, neglectful, or ridiculously stupid bad parenting in the classic cartoon here and there in some episodes, such as “Daylight Savings,” “Moral Decay,” “Coupe’detat,” and “Keen on Keane.” He could be misguided and naive at times in episodes like “Mommy Fearest,” “Town ‘n’ Out,” and “Uh Oh, Dynamo,” though he meant well. However, those naive moments and/or OOC instances of bad parenting to fit certain plots were pretty far and few between ones that he would either snap out of at the end of the same episode, and/or they would never referenced or mentioned in following episodes of the series ever again when things went back to normal.

However, in the 2002 prequel movie and in most episodes of the classic cartoon, Professor Utonium was an attentive, caring, doting, kind, and selfless good dad, and a good person, who loved his three little girls dearly. He was proud of them for fact that they chose to risk their lives to save him and their city, and he encouraged them when they didn’t believe in themselves as heroes, but he never forced them to be heroes. That was Blossom’s, Bubbles’, and Buttercup’s choice, not his. Professor Utonium treated the girls as people, rather than products or experiments more than any other adult in the classic series.

In the classic cartoon, Professor Utonium accepted the fact that the girls accidentally got superpowers because he loved them, but he didn’t purposely set out to give them superpowers when he made them. He wasn’t trying to be a celebrity. He just wanted to be a dad, and spread some good in the world.

In the classic cartoon, Professor Utonium gave the girls emotional support when they needed it most of the time. He built a super suit to hang out with them when they kept getting busy saving the day because he wanted to spend more time with them, and because he wanted for them to be able to have their dad to protect them. He had a birthday party for them. He let them have a slumber party with their friends. He did everything to protect them, save them, or rescue them when he saw they were being hurt or in danger in episodes like “Uh Oh, Dynamo,” “Collect Her,” “PowerProf.,” “Knock It Off,” “Nano of the North,” and “Film Flam,” even if it meant he had to risk and/or sacrifice himself to do it at times.

In the classic cartoon, Professor Utonium stressed when the three cakes he was making to surprise his kids for a party had designs that were less than perfect in one episode “Little Miss Interprets.” He encouraged them take time off when they were stressed or wanted to play with their friends when the Mayor called for trivial things in “Superfriends.” He took them on trips and outings with him when he they were free, and he wanted them to be able relax at times in “Uh Oh, Dynamo,” “PowerProf.,” “Roughing it Up,” and “Sun Scream.” He even dressed up once as Bubbles in “The PowerPuff Girls: Best Rainy Day Adventure” for a little bit, even though he was busy with work all day, when she told him that Blossom and Buttercup didn’t want to be her when they were playing PPG on a rainy day inside because he saw how much it upset her. He doted on all three of those girls, and always saw them as his “little angels,” even though they were far from the “perfect little girls.” He generally was pretty reasonably strict when he disciplined them or gave them chores in episodes like “Helter Shelter,” “Beat Your Greens,” and “Twisted Sister.” He wanted for his kids to get a good education and do well in school. He wanted for the girls to be happy and healthy little girls with normal childhoods as much as possible, while also letting them use their superpowers to be heroes on the side.

In the classic cartoon, Professor Utonium was pretty much the antithesis of the stage parent. No episode proved how much he wasn’t really big into the idea of his girls being forced into the limelight than the classic episode “Film Flam.” Professor Utonium actually was pretty uneasy about signing up his little girls to be in a movie with the offer from Bernie Bernstein. He went along with it at first by signing the contract because he saw how much his three kids wanted to do it. However, as soon as he saw Bernie Bernstein yelling at Bubbles and grabbing her jaw harshly for pointing out a lie he was telling, Professor Utonium got pissed off, and went down to the set to save his three little angels. Then, when he found out that Bernie Bernstein was a fraud, trying to scam everyone to rob the bank by making a fake movie about the PPG, Professor Utonium warned his little girls about what was going on by disguising himself to get on the set, and punched the jerk in the face for fucking with his kids to steal money.

This version of Professor Utonium in the CW script seems to see Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup as products to market, to show off to the press, and make money off, rather than genuinely loving them as his children or even seeing them as people at all, which is like Professor Dick Hardy, who he hated for wanting to make artificial superhuman children to mass market to people for crime fighting in the classic episode “Knock It Off.”

I don’t have a huge problem with the girls calling Professor Utonium dad, but one thing about the OG cartoon that made it even more meaningful and sweet was that it was generally a pretty rare occurrence that came up in little moments here and there to remind the audience just how much the girls loved him. Bubbles called Professor Utonium “dad” the first time after he bought her her first gift after she and her sisters were born to thank him. Buttercup called him “Daddy-o” once in the movie when he came to talk to them for the first time as a parent in the movie about being careful not to use their superpowers in public. They all referred to him as “dad” when Major Glory asked them about who did everything around the house in “Members Only.” Bubbles called Professor Utonium “dad” when she, Blossom, and Buttercup were all convinced that he wanted to get rid of them in “Little Miss Interprets,” and wanted to change his mind.

Also, it really creeped me out that all three girls in the CW pilot script were discussing their dad’s sex life in detail in the classic

It’s just, why do we live in an age in which parents always have to be portrayed as bad, especially because, generally speaking, that’s not the kind of parent Professor Utonium was to Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup in the classic cartoon. In fact, no adult in the classic series wanted for the girls to have the chance to live full happy, healthy, and normal childhoods more than Professor Utonium, sometimes to the point of overdoing it a bit in his desperation to keep them safe by overprotecting them, though he did learn to ease up and give them the freedom to fight crime without trying to coddle them. He was not a controlling stage parent, who forced his three kids to be heroes and to be in the limelight at all.

[dauntingdarling]

In Defense of the Weeping Monk

So during my first ramped scrolling of Weeping Monk content post-completion of the series, I came across a number of people against the Weeping Monk not just for this storyline but because of how people have been quick to obsess over him and ship Nimulot.

In particular, calling the Nimulot ship racist or homophobic, his character a predator, and those shipping him with anyone toxic. While these points are valid and come from a place (I would assume) of good intentions (anti-homophobia, anti-racist, protect the children etc.) they are strong accusations that should not be linked to this character. And here’s why:

Racism:

-I’m going to be blunt here. Seeing as Racism isn’t a joke, it shouldn’t be thrown around as an excuse not to like WM just because said character didn’t end up with a person of color. If you don’t like him, you don’t like him. Don’t blanket cover your reasoning with a serious accusation that even today is still running rampid and needs to be taken seriously in today’s society (see George Floyd)

-It would be one thing to call out a show if they were expressing Racist undertones, but Cursed hasn't. Two of the most powerful characters in King Arthur lore are played by wonderful actors of color (Arthur and sister Morgana) and should this show continue, we will see the pair of them raise in the ranks of power for both good (King Arthur) and evil (Morgan le fay). 

-People are stating that WM should have been black, as we’ve had more than enough white edgy boys out in shows and movies (see Winter Solider, Kylo Ren/Ben solo...) I’m not against the idea of a black or someone other than white actor portraying WM. That’s not my fight. My fight is over disliking Daniel Sharman’s casting because of his race rather than his acting skill. The guy plays WM fantastically and shouldn’t be docked points just because he’s a white British guy. Like... come on. 

-I could go on, but we have more topics to cover so I’ll close this part with this: keep up the good fight to end Racism, but don’t use it to elevate your own ship/actor profile/ etc. 

Throwing around this topic to benefit your own belief (more than just in media) is what makes people degrade racism in the first place. Don’t be that person.

Homophobia: 

-WHY WOULD SHIPPING NIMULOT BE HOMOPHOBIC? WHY

-I would have thought this show already established that they were not homophobic seen by the great response Nimue gave to Morgana after spotting the scene above^. She normalized their relationship as any other and that was beautiful *chef’s kiss* 

-Back to WM, from what I read on the topic from a person with this view, they stated that because people are shipping Nimulot over Nimue and Morgana (I’m sorry I don’t know their ship name), they are homophobic? WHAT

-Dude that’s great that you saw the fantastic chemistry between Morgana and Nimue, but do you really want Nimue to bed both siblings like that? 

-What I just stated isn’t my real fight on the topic, it’s just something I just thought of as I am here typing away. My fight here is just because Nimue hasn't entertained the possibility of a romantic relationship with Morgana doesn’t mean those shipping Nimue and WM together are homophobic. We just are ex-reylo trash (as I’m noticing so far) and love the enemies to lovers trop. 

-Also I am pretty sure that those shipping Nimulot adore the relationship Nimue has with Morgana as they give off major feminism vibes. And have a healthy relationship overall. 

Which brings me to my next point:

Toxic Shipping:

-No one is stating that WM should hook up with Nimue immediately. And if they are, take notes. WM still needs to grow from the horrors he has done in the past and what he has ahead of him. Only then would he be deserving of Nimue (should she take him)

-I honestly believe people are not shipping Nimulot because it’s toxic, but rather because they hope that WM will come around on the other side as a better man (for he has been through the ringer) and should find peace. With Nimue? Sure, if the storyline fits. 

-I’ve read that some don’t want Nimue to be the fixer upper of WM, and I agree, but do not find this statement to be enough to call the Nimue ship toxic by any means. We just want to see everyone happy, is that so bad? 

-And after growing up idolizing the major character arch of Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender, I can’t help but hope (as the optimist that I am) that WM will get a similar ending to Zuko. 

-As for why people want Nimue with him and not, say Gwenevere, it is because of all the similarities they carry so far that complement each other (while also playing the opposites attract card). Similarities include:

cursed out fay (N- the villagers scorning her, WM- the monks attitude toward him as a weapon and not a being)

lingering on the edge of dark and light (N with the cursed sword, WM with his faith)

scars (that happen to be on their backs)

their relationship with Squirrel (both protective, not smothering)

Symbols of their side in war (WM is the monk’s best fighter, N is their queen)

I’m sure people can give you more reasons. This is just what I came up with on the spot after one watch through of the series. If you have others, please write them below, I’m curious. 

Now onto the topic that I find to be atrocious: 

Predator: 

-EXCUSE ME, a predator prays on others. How on God’s green earth is WM that? He was a literal sword for hire/raised to fight against his kind through mental strain from this messed up ideology of christianity. 

-And for those calling his relationship with Squirrel unhealthy... fair point but I’m not done yet. 

-I don’t mean all this to say that what he did under the red monks was good or even acceptable. No it wasn’t, the dude was practicing mass genocide of his own race, that’s fucked up. (That torture scene in front of the mill was really something)

-But as we learn in later episodes, all of his actions linger on not being damed and going to heaven (I assume) as seen in the scene when we got a nice look of him shirtless while he was having a moral crisis.

-Speaking of moral crisis, did you notice that he had one when the rest of the villains present in this show do not? Even Iris (a fantastic villain) had a tragic backstory with her family like WM, but rather than question her motives, she starts on the villain path. 

-Now while I do admit he doesn’t treat Squirrel right in the beginning, it makes sense for his character and where he is at. Not to say that hurting a child and using him as a pawn to kill leftover tribe members is justified. 

-But the writers always wrote the interactions between Squirrel and WM with a hint of humor. Squirrel was always talking back, calling WM and his horse ugly, and even hissing out “you” in front of the red monks. All this going on while WM maintains a blank expression, that to viewers is almost comical (because it breaks away from the sad emo boy cliche) 

-In the end, WM needed someone like Squirrel to get out of the disastrous rut the red monks had WM in. For WM to start on this journey of his (that I’m sure will continue through season 2) he needed to show he had a moral code. 

-Also, like many complicated characters, WM never thought through the damage he has done and how his work impacted children up until G called him out for it. For this reason, I think G had just as much a part of getting WM to revolt as Squirrel did. 

- I think his relationship with Squirrel will continue to grow into a more protective association now that G is dead. G made Squirrel into a knight, the next step is for this kid to train like one. Who better than Mr. Lancelot himself. (They better have a training scene in next season or I will riot)

-And lastly, all of you who know the lore of Lancelot understand that he will become the best of the best and also the most loyal and chivalrous knight out there. What a better way to love a character with these attributes than if he started in the proverbial gutter and grows to understand and value these characteristics?  It’s the shiny ending that he needs to work hard to achieve and that is what, at the end of the day, all lovers of WM want to see in the next few seasons. 

Him becoming that knight in shining armor.

[onlyhereforangst]

*if you enjoyed this week’s NCIS episode do not continue reading, scroll right on past this post*

ok WHERE TO START.

Maybe with the fact that NCIS quite literally would not have been called to that accident. Literally, no reason. They have zero jurisdiction. Just like they have ZERO jurisdiction when Gibbs actually trespasses. Y’all he trespassed. There was no probable cause no nothing, no reason for him to be on that property. So like in all of this, they should have never been in this situation so thanks for making *that* believable, writers.

Oh and then let’s get into a particularly fun part. God damn CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL, PLEASE. I’m not sure if they got a *single* vet-related topic right. Scratch that, they defined a term correctly so whoop-de-fucking-do they know what a dictionary is, congratulations. Let’s run down the list of the mistakes shall we? First, a dog with a gunshot wound in the chest is hiiiiighly unlikely to survive let alone run across the street, casually not be in shock and sit up completely alert as a person walks up, and make it out of surgery/hospitalization less than one day later. That’s cute. AND I’m sorry but pericardiocentesis? Yes you defined the procedure correctly, gold star for you, but you WOULD NEVER NEED THIS WITH A GUN SHOT WOUND. This happens most commonly from cancer, heart failure, or *maybe* hit by a car trauma. But there is nothing that makes a gunshot wound to the far end of the chest result in blood around the heart. Blood in the lungs? Now we’re talking. But blood in the pericardial sac? Oh honey, no. Just no. There were other big words you could’ve put there, so many others. And then good god the bandage job, HAH. Catch me laughing my ass off at the hilariously horrific job of bandaging. Not even close to right and imma just leave it at that. ITS ON THE DAMN ABDOMEN INSTEAD OF THE THORAX WHERE SHE GOT SHOT PLUS ITS INCORRECTLY WRAPPED PLUS WHERE IS HER CHEST TUBE FOR HER HEMOTHORAX SHE SHOULD HAVE OKAY WHERE IS IT. and then moving on to our lovely “hair loss” like Kasie, the writing crew, everyone- those are scars. From being a bait dog. Every single dog you see there looked like a textbook bait dog. That “hair loss” is not from some damn pool chemical and you trying to sell me on that one is a crying shame, NCIS. Plus Jesus can we get a real hair pluck? You ain’t gonna get a damn thing with those forceps, get me some sterile hemostats, stat. Aaaand finally, I’ll wrap this up: PREDNISONE AINT GONNA GET YOU BUILT BRO. It’s not gonna get your dog built and it’s not gonna get you to lose weight. Prednisone is a catabolic steroid aka it breaks things down. Things like muscle mass that apparently these dogs are taking to fight. And surprise it makes dogs & humans gain weight. Another lovely fact it does not give dogs roid rage so don’t try and sell me on that shit either, writers. You picked two literal opposite steroids to list off, one being so unbearably wrong it should be hysterical but it’s just an embarrassing show of lack of research.

Ahhh now to my favorite part. The blatant and disgusting police br*tality of it all. At attempt at masking this by claiming its “for the dogs” is pathetic and the problem. If you try and tell me that the shit they just pulled on the show is “ok” because the dude was abusing and killing dogs, that is the problem. That’s exactly how people rationalize systemic racism in case you were wondering. But I digress. Never, NEVER was this an okay script to air, let alone after the events of Summer of 2020. Tone-deaf and despicable, frankly. First we have the act of police br*tality made to seem ok because he was the suspect right? He was the guy? Yeah but newsflash: innocent until proven guilty and not by your fucking fists. Second we have a deliberate cover-up. Good lord you all think it’s not only okay to lie but then are mad you put you in that situation??? And the IG who’s investigating a legitimate case of br*tality is a villain??? And the director of NCIS is trying to help stall??? And then you’re MAD A BODY CAM CAUGHT IT ON FILM LIKE IT DIDNT DO EXACTLY WHAT IT SHOULD FUCKING DO????? Are you JOKING. This was the shittiest of shit tastes I’ve seen on this show. And if the point was to highlight the “bad” of police br*tality by god they fucked that up. Instead we get a happy, new dog-owner agent who’s only casually suspended because everyone and their brother decided it was okay to cover up a legitimate crime (no I don’t give a fuck that he did end up being the killer and yes I love animals. If you haven’t caught on I’m a damn veterinarian who took an oath to protect animal welfare & prevent and relieve animal suffering. I have personally seen and treated cases of neglect and recovering abused bait dogs. I’ve seen this shit first hand, daily for years and no I do not condone beating a man to a pulp- or death if Gibbs had gotten his way- over it. Do they deserve proper punishment? Absolutely. But I am not the judge, jury & executioner and I thought we fucking learned that on this show). So yeah, this blatant police br*tality and the entire way it was handled on this episode fills my mouth with bile. Trying to lessen it & “make it better” because of dogs is pathetic.

Sincerely, I hope this episode was attempting to poke holes in a messed up system. They missed the mark by a damn mile, but I hope that was the point. Because if it wasn’t, this shit should’ve been trashed the moment they shuttered the doors on season 17. It never needed to come to light and rear its ugly face.

Also, if you don’t like my rage post- great, you don’t have to. I’ve loved this show for 18 years and I will continue to enjoy it, but I am allowed to be critical of shit writing and if you try and debate me on this, it won’t be pretty. I’ll keep my opinions and you can keep yours.

[costellos]

a/n: I was listening to more Dua Lipa and I thought to myself “wow Mista would like a lot of these songs” and it just. spiraled from there lmao. these are headcanons that I’ve referenced in previous works, plus some new ones. I also wanted an excuse to talk about 90′s / y2k stuff so..... here are some miscellaneous headcanons about ya fav boys!

tw: mentions of Giorno and Fugo’s backstory

❥ ┋ ❝ random bucci gang headcanons!

bruno bucciarati.

the most fashionable out of the group. he’s not afraid to try daring fabrics and clashing patterns. although he dresses like a Gucci model, Bucciarati hates luxury brand name clothes. it’s such a gross display of wealth. and as someone who grew up in a lower-middle class home, he doesn’t understand why anyone would spend more than 100 euros on a shirt.

Bucciarati doesn’t like sleeping in. he feels like he’s wasted too much of the day if he wakes up past 10 AM. as a result, he tends to wake up somewhere around 5 AM every morning. part of it is out of habit as a fisherman’s son, part of it is being a workaholic. he spends his morning completing paperwork, but if there isn’t any to do, he’ll take a walk around Naples.

he’s the biggest movie fiend behind Mista. although there are some serious films that he really likes, such as Reservoir Dogs, dumb action movies are his guilty pleasure. Water World and Judge Dredd are so fucking awful yet he can’t help but love them.

leone abbacchio.

he’s the one everyone goes to when they need a disguise. Abbacchio knows exactly how to contour your face so that you’re barely recognizable. likewise, he’s really keen on how certain people dress. he can put together an outfit perfect for a masquerade party or infiltrating a construction zone.

Abbacchio is actually quite paternal around the younger members like Narancia and Fugo. kind of like an asshole older brother. he’ll tell them not to do fuckshit, but won’t stop them if they won’t listen. likewise, he’s there to offer an ear if they need it (even if he’s not the best at comforting).

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again!! Abbacchio is a really good cook. his nonna taught him everything he knows. she’s since passed, so he cooks as a way to feel closer to her and provide for the team. although he likes healthy dishes the most, he tends to make fatty savory foods since that’s what the team likes.

giorno giovanna.

he’s always the last to get jokes. sometimes Fugo will have to explain it to him, but most of the time Giorno will just laugh along with the group to feel included. it’s only recently that he’s been able to let his guard down (especially considering his home life). even if he doesn’t understand the joke, he’s just happy to see everyone smiling.

he’s the first to offer praise to his teammates. despite his stoic exterior, Giorno wants everyone to feel included in what they do. some take it as sarcasm due to his blunt way of speaking, yet he means everything that he says.

Giorno has a sweet tooth, especially for chocolate treats. chocolate pudding may be one of his favorite foods, but he’s fond of anything he can get his hands on. and it doesn’t matter of it’s dark (though dark is his favorite), milk, or white — he likes ‘em all. he just hates Hershey’s chocolate. the way it just disintegrates on your tongue... eugh.

guido mista.

surprisingly, Mista’s the most religious out of the group. he’s not the typical God-fearing Catholic, though he was raised in that household. he'll mumble a small prayer before a particularly dangerous mission, but he stopped going to Mass after joining Passione. he doesn’t feel like it’s his place as a mobster to go.

he’s the biggest pop culture fiend in the group. he loves celebrity gossip, reading movie trivia, and catching up on the latest buzz around the newest episode of 90210. he doesn’t really care about the genre or celebrity, he likes learning about everything. (just don’t bring up that time he bawled at Titanic’s ending. it’s a sore subject.)

on that note, Mista loves to read. he prefers tabloids, but he’ll read whatever helps to pass time between missions. he likes crime noir fiction the most, followed by thrillers. if he’s going to read a book, he wants to be enthralled by it.

narancia ghirga.

while Mista’s the champion of movie / tv and celebrity knowledge, Narancia excels at music trivia. he can go on and on about Tupac and Biggie’s rivalry if you’ll let him. he’s best at hip hop history, but he’s knowledgeable on most genres (he’s not a fan of classical or country).

because of his interest in hip hop, Narancia’s trying to get more into poetry. Fugo’s having him read Shel Silverstein as an introduction. so far Narancia thinks a lot of it is boring, but there are a few that he enjoys. the poem Masks hit him a little too hard.

despite his lack of academic knowledge, Narancia is the most socially-aware out of the group. he’s really in tune with what the others are feeling. he can tell when someone is pretending to be okay with ease. while some may say that it’s a result of growing up the streets, he’s always been like this. he’s just an empathetic guy.

pannacotta fugo.

Fugo’s way of dressing is heavily inspired by Bucciarati. Fugo respects him a lot, so he tries to emulate him whenever he can. he was actually quite self-conscious of his swiss cheese suit. yet Bucciarati told him to try one thing that scares him every day and... it just stuck. 

he goes by his last name because there are too many negative memories associated with his first. he can still remember his mother cooing “my little strawberry” at him. he’ll never forgive either of his parents, so using his last name helps him move on from his past.

Mista frequently pesters Fugo to trade books with him, though Fugo isn’t too keen on it... mostly because he thinks Mista’s taste is trash he’s not interested in whatever Mista’s reading. Fugo’s more of a classics guy. that changed when the gunslinger let him borrow Wiseguy (the inspiration for Goodfellas). Fugo trusts him a little bit more now. just a little.

[spine-buster]

The President Wears Prada (William Nylander) | Chapter 20

A/N:  Remember to like, reblog, yell in the tags, and support your friendly neighbourhood fic writers.  We appreciate it more than you think!  And thanks for all the positive feedback on my double post last week!  This chapter focuses more on Aberdeen and Siena’s sisterhood.  Hope you enjoy!  

February 15th, 2020

Aberdeen Bloom was in a taxi.

With the Canadian Tire Centre being in Kanata, Aberdeen needed a taxi to get into downtown Ottawa, and judging by what Siena told her about the bus, she wasn’t going to trust it to take her there.  They were meeting at Chez Lucien, a gastro bar in the ByWard Market that Siena apparently frequented a lot with her law school friends.  Aberdeen had come to visit Siena in Ottawa a few times since she began law school, and every time Siena took her to a different place.  It was nice, because she got to see more of what Ottawa had to offer, and what Siena’s life was like here as opposed to in Toronto, but a part of Aberdeen wished they had a ‘spot’.  

Siena had been waiting, as she was able to walk to Chez Lucien from where she lived near campus.  Aberdeen was kicking the snow off her boots and unwrapping all her layers at the door as she watched Siena scroll through her phone in a booth in the middle of the room.  The restaurant was pretty busy with the lunch time crowd, and the food already smelled delicious.  “How do you deal with all this snow?” she asked as she approached the table.

Siena shrugged.  “You get used to it, I guess.  Did you get here okay?”

Aberdeen nodded as she slipped into the booth.  “It’s quite the trek, though.  Make sure you leave early tonight.”

“I don’t think it would matter if I missed the first five minutes,” Siena said.

Aberdeen noticed a certain tone in Siena’s voice that made her realize this wasn’t going to be a nice, relaxing lunch with her older sister.  For how close they were and for how much Aberdeen loved Siena with every fibre of her being, Siena…could be a bitch sometimes.  It was usually drama with friends that did it, or bad grades – Siena hated getting bad grades.  She couldn’t compartmentalize her anger like Aberdeen could.  Siena couldn’t leave her anger at school and be happy while out with someone else.  She brought that anger with her and, while she hid it better in front of friends, she didn’t hide it in front of Aberdeen, meaning Aberdeen usually got the brunt end of it.  “Probably not, but MLSE comped the ticket, so it would be nice if you showed up on time.”

“The burgers are really good here,” Siena said, dropping it.  

Aberdeen opened the menu and looking at the list of burgers.  “So what is it?  A bad mark?  Professor piss you off?” she asked without looking up from the menu.  

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.  Now what do you want?”

The conversation flowed uncomfortably.  There were a few awkward pauses, which was unusual for the sisters, and though the food was good, Aberdeen could tell Siena wasn’t really all there.  There was something else occupying her mind that wasn’t allowing her to be fully present with Aberdeen.  Aberdeen wasn’t necessarily pissed off, because she certainly went through her moods too, but Siena wasn’t even trying to make an effort.  Aberdeen decided not to say anything.  It was for the best.

“So you look different,” Siena said, picking at the last of her fries and ketchup.

“I do?” Aberdeen asked.  “How so?”

“I don’t know,” Siena shrugged.  “Your hair’s a bit different.”

“Well, I attempted a blowout, but you know how that goes with me.”

“Does William like it when your hair is straight as opposed to your frizzy curls?” Siena asked, popping a fry into her mouth.

Aberdeen furrowed her brows.  “Who cares what William likes?” Aberdeen asked.  “I sure as hell don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“Siena, come on.  When have I ever changed myself for a guy?” Aberdeen asked.  She didn’t have a history of it at all, so she didn’t know why Siena would imply such a thing.  “I know that William and I are in this weird little…I don’t know, dance, but that doesn’t mean I’m changing myself so he’ll like me more or whatever.”  Aberdeen knew she didn’t have to.  She knew that William liked her – loved her – just as she was.  He’d never asked her to change anything about herself, and actually got mad when Saylor made that off-handed comment about her nose.  

“Are you sneaking around with him?” Siena asked suddenly.

Aberdeen was taken aback by the question.  She furrowed her brows and dropped her jaw, offended.  “What?!  NO!” she exclaimed.  She scared herself for how easily and emphatically she had just lied to her sister.  

“Are you lying to me?” Siena asked.

“Why would you even think that?” Aberdeen pressed.  “What the hell, Siena?  Do you honestly think I would jeopardize my job like that?  The job I work so hard in?  The job that might lead me to do what I actually want to do?  You honestly think I’d burn this bridge?”

“I don’t know.  You’ve done stupid shit in the past, Aberdeen.”

Aberdeen felt tears well in her eyes.  She always knew Siena could be a bitch when she wanted to, but right now, she was being just downright mean.  It was hard not to take it personally.  “Wow.  Thanks Siena.”

“I’m just stating the obvious.”

“I love the faith you have in me.”

“It’s not that I don’t have faith in you,” Siena said.  “I just saw the way you looked at him on Christmas when he showed up.  And more importantly, I saw the way he looked at you.  And I know – or I at least have a feeling – that you wouldn’t be able to resist him if he actually came on to you.”

“That’s a bit rich coming from the girl who told us to sneak up to our room alone after watching an episode Brooklyn 9-9.”

“Don’t deflect this and put this on me, Aberdeen,” Siena narrowed her eyes.  “You’re the vulnerable one in this situation when it comes to him.  I mean you’ve already slept together.  You slept together after knowing each other for what?  A few hours?  I mean, if you’d had the decency to wait, you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.”

Aberdeen’s eyes stung from trying to hold back her tears.  She couldn’t even look at her sister.  Instead, she focused on her hands in her lap, twiddling nervously with the ring William got her.  “Are you done?” she asked, her voice cracking slightly.  “I mean it, are you done?”

“Aberdeen—”

“Is this why you asked me to lunch?  So you could make me feel like complete shit?” Aberdeen asked indignantly.

“You’re choosing to feel that way.  I’m not making you.”

Aberdeen pushed her chair back dramatically.  She refused to participate in this conversation anymore.  Actually, it wasn’t even a conversation – it was a sabotage.  She snatched her purse off the back of her chair and grabbed her coat and scarf before walking away from the table, not even caring that she was walking out on her sister and sticking her with both bills.  By the time she had reached the door, throwing her jacket over her shoulders and wrapping her scarf around her neck, there were already tears falling.  

She walked up the street, not even knowing where she was going and where she was going to end up, and she didn’t bother taking her phone out to check.  Instead, she cried.  She cried about the things her sister said to her.  She cried about how she lied to her sister.  But more than anything, she cried about how awful she felt, how it felt like her heart was in the pit of her stomach, how her mind was racing about what she was doing with William and how wrong it was but how happy she was when she was with him.  She was so conflicted.  She was being pulled in opposite directions; quartered in the town square for everyone to see for the sins she was committing.  

Aberdeen knew she fucked up.  She knew.  She knew the moment William stepped into that elevator and shook her hand.  She didn’t need anybody to tell her that, or to remind her of the mistakes she’d made.  But she didn’t have regrets.  Maybe she should, but she didn’t.  She loved William.  She wasn’t supposed to, but she did.  She knew they would be able to keep this a secret; she had faith that it wouldn’t affect her future career prospects.  She had to have faith, because if she didn’t, it was all for naught.  If she didn’t have faith, then she really was stupid.

People stared at her as she walked down the street crying, her hands stuffed into her jacket pockets.  She barely wiped her tears away, wearing them with pride instead.  They’d freeze to her face eventually, she thought, and then she’d look like an ice queen.  Maybe that would be good for her.  

Aberdeen continued to weave through the streets – turning right, left right, left, left, right – until she happened upon Notre Dame Cathedral Basilica, the famous Catholic Church in Ottawa.  She’d been there before, with her family, when they visited Siena for the first time and Orla dragged everybody there for a Sunday mass.  The cathedral was visually stunning, with its neo-Gothic architecture, classic arches, blue ceiling, and stained-glass windows.  Weirdly, Aberdeen loved ecclesiastical architecture.  It was probably Orla’s influence.  Aberdeen always pictured herself getting married in an old church like this, should she ever get married.  Whenever she was in a Catholic church, she was reminded of her childhood.  Of Orla dragging her and Siena (and when he was born, Camden) to Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church on Bloor Street West every Sunday.  Of her mom kneeling and praying for her family back in Northern Ireland.  Of attending catechism classes with her classmates so she could receive the Eucharist and have her confirmation.  Of her dad sitting with them and being in church too for all those major milestones even though he had his own faith.  In its own weird way, it reminded her of home, of routine.  The routine of dipping a finger in holy water and bowing, of finding a pew and kneeling for a quick personal prayer.  For standing and singing and kneeling and praying.  Kneeling and praying.  Kneeling and praying.

So it was no wonder, then, that when she entered the cathedral, despite the tourists that lingered throughout the aisles and alcoves taking pictures and lighting candles, it was so easy for her to find the holy water and bow.  It was easy for her to find a pew.  It was easy for her to sit, and to look forward at the altar.  

It was easy for her to cry.

***

Aberdeen cried out everything she had in her in Notre Dame.  It was massively therapeutic.  And when she was done, she took a taxi back to the arena.  

She’d cried so much that her eyes were still red, that her skin was blotchy even where she was wearing makeup and was very blotchy in the places where the tears had washed her makeup away.  She knew she’d probably get asked about it, but she didn’t really care.  She wondered if the men she worked with would even notice.

As she walked through the back corridors and into a room, the first person that she saw was Peter.  Her body stiffened.  She had barely seen him since the All-Star Game – only saw him in passing or from across the arena, really – and she was too scared to ask whether he had switched departments, gotten demoted, or the like.  She hadn’t spoken to him since, and her heart beat rapidly in her chest the second his eyes landed on her.  He probably still wanted to kill her.

That’s why she was thoroughly shocked when he gave her a large smile.  

“How’ve you been?” he asked as he walked towards her.  

“How have I been?  Where have you been?” she asked back, trying not to freak out.  The last time she’d seen him, he’d been so angry.  Now he was acting as if nothing was wrong.  She thought he’d hate to see her and spit over his shoulder the second he saw her.

“We’re going to need to celebrate,” he said, his voice giddy.  “I feel like getting champagne,” he continued, looking around for something to drink.  He saw a bunch of Gatorade bottles and handed one to her before taking one for himself. 

“Uh…okay,” she played along.  The Gatorade would have to do.  “What are we toasting?”

“We are toasting, my dear, to the dream job.  The one that a million people wanted,” he smiled.

Aberdeen was confused.  “Which I got months ago…”

He rolled his eyes playfully.  “I’m not talking about you.”

That piqued her interest.  She narrowed her eyes at him.  “Mhm…go on…”

“Brendan and Kyle invested a lot of time and effort into me.  I came on board basically when Kyle did.  At the beginning I was doing everything – social media, communications, PR, the works,” he began.  “But then there was that opening in hockey operations…and they needed someone they could trust…” he trailed off.

Aberdeen knew about the open job in hockey ops.  They’d received numerous applications.  The opening was a huge deal and people were clamouring at the opportunity because jobs there didn’t come up often.  “Uh huh…”

“And that someone would be me.”

Aberdeen’s jaw dropped.  “You got the hockey ops job?!” she screamed.

“YES!” he screamed out loud.  His giddy laughter and excited little jumps and jitters told Aberdeen he was more than just happy – he was ecstatic.  It was probably a position he wanted more than anything.  “Aberdeen, they even put me up for it!  I mean can you imagine!”

Aberdeen’s eyes bulged out.  That was some interesting bit of news.  It meant that Brendan and Kyle knew they were going to promote Peter.  But that didn’t matter right now.  All that mattered was how ecstatic Peter was and his new position with the Leafs.  “But…but you’re leaving.  I can’t imagine taking on Brendan and Kyle without you.”

“I know, I know, but I’m so excited though.  This is the first time in almost three years I’m going to be able to call the shots in my job!  Oh my God!” he shrieked.  “I’m going to be able to come to Ottawa, Montreal, New York, Philly, Chicago…and actually be involved in the hockey process.”

He was happy.  So incredibly happy.  And Aberdeen could only be happy for him.  She unscrewed and raised her Gatorade bottle.  “Well, congratulations Peter.  You deserve it.”

“You bet your ass I do,” he giggled, unscrewing his own Gatorade bottle and crashing it against hers.  Aberdeen laughed as they both took their gulps of the drink.  “I’m sorry I got mad at you before the All-Star Game,” he said once he was finished drinking.  “I was really out of line.”

“It’s alright,” she said.  “I knew it meant the world to you.”

“Yeah, but I was really mean,” he said.  “I said you didn’t deserve it, but we both know that you did.  You’ve been working hard since you got here and I was just…you know, being a dick about it.”

“I’ve had worse things said to me,” she shrugged.  An understatement considering where she had just come from.  “But thank you for your apology.”

He held his Gatorade bottle up again.  “To the Toronto Maple Leafs,” he toasted.

Aberdeen smiled, raising her own bottle.  “To the Toronto Maple Leafs.”

***

“So, how was lunch with Siena?” Brendan asked as he went over some last-minute notes before he and Aberdeen would make their way to the press box and meet Kyle for the game.  Knowing that Siena was coming to the game tonight to support her sister was nice.  Aberdeen made it adamantly clear her sister wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of hockey, but was coming to the game to support her more than anything.  That was fine with Brendan.  

Aberdeen shrugged her shoulders.  She’d hoped Brendan wouldn’t ask about it because she still wasn’t over it.  “I ended up going to church.”

He looked at her skeptically.  “Church?”

“I got into a fight with my sister,” she explained curtly.

“About what?”

Aberdeen shook her head.  Like she was going to tell him.  “Not important.”

“Well…what made you go to church?” he pressed.  He seemed genuinely concerned about the fact that she’d gone to a house of worship after fighting with her sister.  Had it been that bad?  

Aberdeen knew he was curious because he was worried, not curious because he wanted to pry.  Because of that, she knew she had to choose her words carefully as to not reveal too much but also not reveal too little so that he’d ask more questions.  She couldn’t find them.  She didn’t know what to say to him without it leading to her giving it all away and getting fired on the spot.  “I just needed some semblance of…normalcy back in my life after the fight,” she said, knowing Brendan wouldn’t understand.  

“Aberdeen, I have absolutely no clue what that means,” he deadpanned jokingly, causing her to giggle slightly.  “But if church helped…well, good,” he said, focusing back on his notes.

Aberdeen nodded.  She wanted the topic of conversation to be dropped, and she knew the best way to do that.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

She knew it was going to come out as a statement more than a question.  “You and Kyle…you guys knew you were promoting Peter to the hockey ops position.”

“Yes…”  He was still looking down at his notes, and he wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

“So why’d you make me tell him about the All-Star Game?”

Brendan stopped focusing on his notes, instead looking at Aberdeen.  He knew that she wasn’t accusing him of anything, and not complaining that she had to do what she did; she just wanted answers.  Apparently she’d seen Peter.  Apparently they’d talked.  “So Peter told you we put him up for the hockey ops job, then,” he started.

“He did.”

Brendan nodded his head.  “We needed to toughen you up, Aberdeen.”

It was Aberdeen’s turn to look at Brendan skeptically.  “Toughen me up?”

“Listen—don’t get me wrong, because you’ve been doing a great job,” Brendan began.  “But you…you need to do things that make you uncomfortable, Aberdeen.  You know…uh…” he was trying to find the right words.  “You know how a glowstick needs to be cracked in order to shine?”

“That’s literally the weirdest analogy I’ve ever heard anyone make,” she said.

“You needed to crack a bit,” he said firmly.  “You needed to break someone’s heart.  This is a tough business and this is a tough world and it’ll happen to you too.  And I want you to be prepared to have to do those sorts of things.  Because you’ll be successful once you leave here and you’ll have to do them.  You’ll thank me later.”

Judging by his tone, Aberdeen knew Brendan wasn’t going to entertain any other options.  She couldn’t say anything to make him think otherwise.  “Okay…well, then I think you’ll be happy to know that I broke his heart when I told him he wasn’t going to the All-Star Game.  And you and Kyle put it back together by promoting him.”

“I know that,” he said.  He looked down at his notes one more time before pushing his chair back.  “Now let’s go.”

***

Are they playing well?  I wouldn’t know.

Aberdeen stared at the text message from Siena as she sat in the back of the press box, Brendan and Kyle watching the game intently and in full view of the cameras.  She was surprised Siena still came after the afternoon they’d had.  There was less than five minutes left in the first period, and Auston had already scored.  She didn’t know if she should respond.  She wondered if that made her a bad sister.

When the buzzer rang for the end of the period, Brendan swiveled in his chair and looked back at her.  “Is Siena here?” he asked.  Aberdeen nodded her head.  “Go find her.”

“But you asked me to—”

“Go find her and go talk to her,” he interrupted, giving her a look.  “Go.”

Aberdeen got up from her seat, her credentials jingling down the hallway as she texted Siena back.  

Where are you sitting?

They put me six rows behind the Leafs bench.  Section 106.  Can you come meet me right outside the tunnel?

By the time Aberdeen got there (she speed walked so they had more time together, so what?), Siena was already waiting.  When Siena saw her, she stuffed her phone into her pocket.  “Were you up in the box?” she asked.

“I always am.”

Siena nodded, staying quiet for a moment.  “Listen…I…I’m sorry about today,” she said, stumbling over her words a bit.  “I was…my comments were really uncalled for, and I shouldn’t have like, you know, accused you of sleeping with William behind your boss’s back.”

Aberdeen nodded her head once, curtly, to make Siena abundantly clear that she hadn’t forgiven her just yet.  Could she forgive her, really, when she was keeping the biggest secret from her?  “Do you want to tell me what the little outburst was really about?” she asked.

Siena pursed her lips and crossed her arms across her chest.  She looked down at the floor.  “It’s nothing.”

“Siena.”

She sighed heavily.  “It’s a guy,” she mumbled out.

“What?”

“A guy,” she said dramatically.

Aberdeen’s jaw dropped.  “A guy?!” she barely had the words.  “What guy?  What…what guy?!”

Siena looked like she was about to throw a mini temper tantrum for having to reveal the information.  “There was this guy, Aaron…he was just in one of my classes, and we had this…this thing going on for the past few months.  Anyways, uh, I found out he was also hooking up with Sylvie the entire time and they’re all Instagram official already.”

“Sylvie?!” Aberdeen deadpanned.  “Like…Gatineau Sylvie?  Blonde Sylvie?  Sylvie who we partied with Sylvie?”

“Yes, that Sylvie,” Siena rolled her eyes.  “Knockout Sylvie.  Drop dead gorgeous Sylvie.  Only in law school so her parents don’t cut her off financially Sylvie.”

Aberdeen furrowed her brows in anger.  Sylvie had been so nice when Aberdeen had come to visit last year, and had bought her drinks at the club…and now to hear she’d done this to Siena?  And had been doing it for months?  Aberdeen was livid.  “Well fuck that bitch,” she barked.  “And fuck Aaron, too.”

“Now I know how you felt when Zane did that to you,” Siena bit her lip.  “But you guys were together for like, a year.  Aaron and I were just hooking up.”

“Still,” Aberdeen was still upset.  “Fuck that guy.  Fuck them both.  Fuck them all.  He doesn’t deserve you if he’s gonna be sneaking around on you, hooking up with Sylvie and whoever else.  You dodged a bullet.  You’re too pretty and too smart to be bogged down by such a fuckboy.”

Siena was quiet.  Aberdeen tried to figure out whether she was going to cry or roll her eyes, but she couldn’t.  With Siena looking at the floor, it was almost impossible.  When she finally looked back up, her expression was much more neutral.  Gentler.  “I wish I had your sense of loyalty, Aberdeen,” Siena said softly.  “Really.  I do.  It’s one of your best qualities.  You…you have my back no matter what.”

“Of course I do,” Aberdeen said.  “You’re my sister.”

Siena nodded her head.  “I know it might not seem like it, especially after the lunch we had, but I always have your back, too,” she said.  “I hope you know that.  I’d do anything for you.”

Aberdeen was silent as she considered her sister’s words.  They fought like any sisters did, but deep know, she knew.  Aberdeen knew her sister would do anything for her, and she would do the same.  “I know.”

“Can you forgive me for lunch?”

Aberdeen nodded reluctantly.  There was nothing to forgive when her sister was right about her assumptions.  “I forgive you,” she said.  She watched as a bunch of fans made their way through the tunnel and into the arena back to their seats.  “Listen, I have to get back.  But I’ll meet you after the game, okay?  Go to those doors over there,” she pointed behind her to the same doors she came through to meet her.

“Okay.  I’ll see you,” Siena nodded, watching as Aberdeen disappeared through the door.

***

William scored in the second period, making Aberdeen convinced he was just trying to show off since he knew Siena was watching.  Hell, he could probably see her from the bench.  With the Leafs winning 4-2, Aberdeen was happy.  But there was barely any time to celebrate.  Everybody had to get ready to leave as soon as possible so they could get on the plane and fly to Buffalo.

It was why Aberdeen was dragging Siena through the back corridors eagerly.  “Where are you bringing me?” Siena asked.

“You need some eye candy to take your mind off Aaron,” Aberdeen said.  

“So you’re bringing me to meet an old man?”

Aberdeen snorted.  Brendan was three years younger than their dad.  “Not quite.”

As they turned a corner, they came head to head with some of the guys, walking in and out of the locker room, their shirts half buttoned, their ties undone, some of them still in their hockey pants, topless.  Siena stopped dead in her tracks.  “Aberdeen—”

“—Feast your eyes—"

“—Aberdeen, I shouldn’t be here.  I shouldn’t…oh…oh my,” Siena gasped like an old Southern woman as her eyes landed on a topless Pierre Engvall across the room.  “Oh my God you could have told me!” she pinched Aberdeen.  “I could have dressed nicer!”

“Hello.”  Siena jumped dramatically, turning around to see William behind her.  She calmed down when she recognized him.  “How are things?” he asked, his voice low so no-one else would hear.  

“Fine, thanks,” Siena’s voice was equally as low.

He stood up straight more and extended his hand.  “I’m William, it’s nice to meet you.  Siena, you said?”

Siena was taken aback for a second before she realized what William was doing.  She wasn’t supposed to know who he was.  She wasn’t supposed to be familiar with him.  “Hi.  Y—Yes,” she stuttered out, shaking his hand.  “I’m Siena, Aberdeen’s older sister.”

“Hey!  Who’s the stranger?” Auston called out from inside the locker room, looking at them standing in the doorway.  

“This is my sister, Matthews,” Aberdeen answered, saying it loud enough so the whole locker room would hear.

Most of the guys approached to shake her hand.  Jason came up first, then Rasmus, then John and Freddie.  Aberdeen didn’t think Siena would get starstruck by hockey players, but she apparently was, stuttering out hellos and pleasant conversations with the men.  Aberdeen couldn’t help but giggle.  “Jesus, Aberdeen,” Siena whispered eventually when nobody approached them and they were alone.  “Are they around like this all the time?”

Aberdeen smiled.  “You don’t know the half of it.”

It was at that point that Auston approached them, giving Siena a quick but flirty up-down that Siena didn’t catch but Aberdeen did.  “This is your sister?” he asked, extending his hand and getting Siena’s attention.  

“Yes, she’s my sister.”

“You guys don’t look like sisters,” he commented.

“I got much more of our dad’s Persian features,” Siena said, shaking his hand.  Aberdeen had rolled her eyes – as if she hadn’t heard that comment before about them not looking like sisters.  “I’m Siena.”

“Siena.  I’m Auston,” he smiled.

Aberdeen rolled her eyes playfully.  “Go flirt with Willy, Auston.  You didn’t get with Kasha and you’re definitely not getting with my sister.”

Auston furrowed his brows at her playfully.  “Get a life, Aberdeen,” he said before sticking his tongue out.  “I hope you liked the game,” he said to Siena before walking away.

Siena was about to whisper something to Aberdeen, but then noticed the man from before making his way towards them.  Her breath hitched in her throat and her entire body seized up.  Aberdeen almost burst out laughing then and there.  “Hello.  I’m Pierre,” Pierre Engvall extended his hand for Siena to shake.  “You’re Aberdeen’s sister?”

Aberdeen had to nudge her sister to get her to respond.  She jerked her hand out to shake Pierre’s.  “Hi!  Yes yes, I’m Aberdeen’s sister, Siena.  It’s nice you meet you Pierre.”

“Did you enjoy the game?” he asked.

“Yes.  Yes.  You guys played so well.  I mean I don’t watch hockey much but—”

“Have you been to a game in Toronto?” he asked.

“No—I mean, not yet.”

“Well you should come.  I’m sure Aberdeen could get you a ticket,” he smiled.

Before the flirt fest could go on any longer, Rasmus screamed something in Swedish at him, and Pierre laughed.  “It was nice to you meet you Siena,” he said before walking away, punching Rasmus on the arm.

Siena looked at Aberdeen.  Her eyes practically rolled to the back of her head.  “Good God almighty, that man just made me sweat like a whore in church.”

Aberdeen snorted.  “Don’t tell that to mom.”

[mythicamagic]

Hey there~ I was just wondering, how are you feeling about Castlevania's ending? :)

Hii, ghostflora!

Well, it's a mixed bag. SPOILERS BELOW:

I think I'm torn because while I am happy many characters got their happy endings- I'm disappointed because it clashes with the pre-established tone and feels like there are absolutely no consequences for the main characters.

Season 3 and Season 4 may as well be different series for the amount of stuff they dropped or shoved under the rug; 

Lenore being confident and secure in her established role as a diplomat who can also kick ass? Now she's a fretting wilting flower who confides in Hector all her worries and insecurities. Despite him being ya know...her pet in Season 3.

Camilla being a confident, ruthless, intelligent woman? Now she's gone mad with power! Muhohaha! Makes it easyyy

Striga and Morana being die-hard loyal to their sisters? Pssshh they can leave them without a backwards glance in season 4. 

St Germain? Ehhh let's drop all intrigue and just say he's a simp who 'did it all for love' plus he's mad now too. Makes it easyyy

However I think the worst examples of arcs or themes being dropped are Hector and Alucard. Hector is now in love with Lenore despite every abusive thing that's happened to him. This wouldn't be a problem if it was shown as an abusive attachment- something he's done time and time again, trusting the wrong people- but nope, the cycle continues and we're expected to feel something when Lenore dies. Oh such sweet sorrow. 

Alucard though...oh my sweet boy. My sweet sweet boy. The writers have friggin tortured this poor man with trauma after trauma...only for none of it to matter pretty much by the end of episode 1 season 4. He's a 'little' cautious of people but give him a hot second and he's blurting everything to Greta and him impaling people who betrayed him on spikes is treated lightly. Again, he's like Hector in that he hasn't learned. He's trusting so quickly and easily by blurting his secrets because he’s so friggin lonely and desperate for connection. And I get that, I really, really do. But Season 3 may as well never have happened. There is no way he'd open up so quickly again after what he's been through, I'm sorry, it's shitty, rushed writing that undermines what happened to him. Alucard in season 4 is written as someone who is grieving, not traumatised. 

 If you want an example of a character whose trauma is handled well - look at Guts from Berserk. Even in the anime, which doesn't go into Gut's past (enduring rape) you can tell this guy has been hurt, badly. He won't allow touch, and he distances himself from everyone in the group. 

When he does finally warm up to Casca and sleeps with her in the manga - he's triggered, and it's an extremely harrowing scene. I'm not saying Alucard's trauma needs to be deeply covered but fuck give us something. Otherwise it completely undermines what he went through.

A few - UWU I'm too shy to play with the children moments is so friggin tame. There's a reason the majority of fanfic writers apparently wrote Alucard as distrusting of humans and fearful of getting close to them- Because they get that Trauma. Has. Consequences. But yeah, aside from that I am very happy Alucard is surrounded by people at the end, since he's an extremely lonely character. It's a lovely thing that he gains a village and exactly what he needs. I just wish it had been handled better. 

Greta needed a flashback scene too, I wasn't particularly invested in her but that would've helped. The true MVP of Castlevania is Isaac though. Best arc and best culmination of his journey. His story flows well and I loved watching him.

I haven't been all too interested in Trevor and Sypha since season 2 but eh they were fine. The 'bickering' couple isn't my fav trope and Trevor seems two seconds away from referring to her as 'the old ball and chain.' 

And as much as I love my OTP for the show, my sun and stars, light of my life, monster boyfriend x human loving ass- I do think Dracula and Lisa should have died. And stayed dead. Like show Alucard seeing them in the netherworld being at peace. They could carve out a place for themselves in hell, Dracula has enough loyal followers there to do so. They could be content while also showing there are consequences. 

Because that's what this show used to be. It didn't shy away from showing the masses die and suffer. The main characters were no different. But now in season 4 they're suddenly exempt. I wouldn't mind the happy ending at all if it didn't clash so hard with the pre-established tone of other seasons where the past is framed as something golden and gentle...

...but the present is awful and people must face harsh realities in order to carry on living.

Again, if you want more examples of grimdark shows staying faithful to their tone, look at Berserk or Devilman Crybaby. If you want Castlevania's tone to change, then more emphasis on HEALING is needed. And that could be done by confronting trauma and moving on. I like Isaacs journey because it SHOWED that change.

I mean friggin Princess Tutu felt like it had more consequences for characters actions than this show. I personally think an ending similar to Madoka Magica (first series, I haven't seen any others) where everything is 'fixed' but there's still loss would be a more fitting end for what was built up in Castlevania. But yeah...I liked Death's character, Isaac's arc, Alucard’s ending and that the lesbians survived and kicked ass. Striga's scene with that armour was oof. That was cool. I LOVED seeing Dracula x Lisa again too (that scene of them being combined had me screaming at the tv going - No, no, NOOOO!) 

Everything else is like a big mess of feels. I want to like it, but I can't turn my brain off and ignore the writing flaws. So...ultimately I don't think I'll rewatch it again despite really liking the promise shown in the first few seasons. It's by no means a complete train wreck, but it is disappointing to me.

[anntoldst0ries]

Lost in Translation

If someone told me a couple of months ago how invested I’d be in OH and the story, I would laugh at them. But here we are, isn’t life full of surprises :) 

Apologies for mistakes, if you notice any please feel free to let me know!

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x f!MC 

Word Count: 2,358

Summary: What happens when it’s just Dr Ramsey and his thoughts?

Warnings: None, just a tiny bit of angst & fluff. A lot of introspection!

~~~~~~~

After what felt like the longest shift ever, Dr Ethan Ramsey finally entered his apartment. He closed the door, leaving the whirlwind of his professional life outside.

A biscuit golden retriever jumped at him with all the might in his paws and the sore muscles of a 37-year old diagnostician almost gave up under the pressure of furry ball of fluff.

“I’m happy to see you too, buddy. But you need to go easy on me today.”

Jenner just stared at him with those big black eyes, licked his hand and went back to solving the most important problem of the day: how to cadge some real food, the one hooomans eat.

Although he was far from contemplating whether dogs have what resembles an intelligence (it was someone else’s specialty) he couldn’t help but think Jenner knows. This constantly salivating, instinct-driven creature somehow understands what it is that Ethan asked him to do and why.

“Great, Ramsey. You are going crazy, may as well admit yourself to the psychiatric ward right now. Dr Keller will be delighted to see you. And all the predators of Edenbrook will finally have a proper fodder - Ethan freaking Ramsey has officially freaked out.”

Having poured himself a decent glass of scotch, he stood in front of a giant window overlooking the bay. The waters were quiet and calm, a total contrast to the fire burning inside him after taking a long sip. There was something soothing in the almost painful feeling. 10 years ago downing a whole glass of neat scotch was way beyond his repertoire. One of the perks of being over 35, he guessed. It was scientifically proven that man’s tastebuds change drastically after reaching certain age. He had to admit, there was at least a grain of truth in this. The gold liquid was no longer just bitter and harsh; it had texture, flavour, a complexity - something he wasn’t able to appreciate before. As a doctor, he also knew that he’s got 20, maybe 25 years of this experience left - until ruthless time and ageing will blend all tastes into one.

The lights of the night danced around the spacious living room, their gold reflections creating an aura of mystery in a dimly-lit apartment. He looked around and his gaze landed on antique vase, a present Naveen brought him from Greece for his 35th birthday. It complemented tasteful interior design, expensive decorations and custom furniture perfectly.

As beautiful as they were, all these things made him feel nothing. It was almost ironic that this unquestionably beautiful property, paid for with his own blood, sweat and tears, he couldn’t possibly care less about. Right now, he could have been in some shithole in Roxbury, sipping cheap beer and it would make no difference whatsoever. Except, it would have saved him a mini fortune, which he was now spending on this goddamn penthouse in Beacon Hill. A place he never ever spent more than 4 hours at a time in.

He smirked at the thought - that’s exactly what Naveen said about his own lake house before saying goodbye to his mentee last year. Back when he thought he was going to die soon. Was it surprising? No, everyone was expecting that Ethan will one day take Naveen’s place as the best diagnostician in the world. He considered this not so much an honour, but rather a tribute to his biggest idol, his friend, his father figure. If he was to ever repay Dr Banerji for everything he’s done for him, there was only one way - he needed to be the best among the best.

They called him the best diagnostician of his generation. Although he resented the title, this label given to him by the mutual admiration society (that he had zero respect for), he was very much aware that he was exceptional at his job. Ethan never thought of this as bragging, because bragging made people vain. He liked to think of it as self-confidence, which, as it grew stronger, made him work for his patients even harder than he ever thought possible. The people whose lives he saved, they had to have confidence in him. They had to believe that he knows what he’s doing. And how could he instil a sense of confidence in them, had he not had it himself?

“You can’t give what you don’t have.” - the sentence kept echoing in his head. Tobias used to say that to him all the time, he lived by these words. It was probably the only relic of their once unbreakable (or so they stupidly thought) bond and also the only thing relating to Tobias that didn’t make him want to gag.

So Ethan accepted his role as a successor of the greatest diagnostician in the country. Because there was a mission and a responsibility behind this fate. Because there was a sense of safety in predictable realms of medicine. Also, because… it felt like kicking Tobias right in the crotch. Although he’d never admit this to anyone, least of all himself, the unwritten competition they were subject to for the past 17 years, helped him keep a laser focus on the tasks in front of him. And every time he was able to wipe the smile off Mass Kenmore’s ‘star’ handsome face, Ethan felt satisfaction.

Becoming the man he was today required a lot of changes. He got rid of all the needs of usual Everyman. First, he swept his feelings under the carpet of indifference and cynicism. Then, he learned how to live among people, but without delving into deep and ‘meaningful’ relationships. This was his bauble and he was perfectly… content with it. That is, until it hadn’t been smashed to pieces because something happened to him.

Someone happened to him.

Oh fuck.

He made a desperate attempt to try and stop the inevitable, but it was too late.

His head was instantly flooded with images, followed by ubiquitous tingles that filled his body. In his mind’s eye, a face shaped instantly, the image so vivid that he was almost blinded by it. It’s as if the person was standing right in front of him. The feeling was as mesmerising as it was painful.

Damn it. She didn’t even have to be here to do things to him. To make him see things. Smell things. Hear things. Feel things.

Ethan and The Feelings. This band rarely played together. Ethan wasn’t really a team player and The Feelings were loud, untameable and too unpredictable for the likes of him. He had to learn to tolerate them, because wherever she went, they followed.

He couldn’t rid of her presence, no matter where he was or what he did. Not that he wanted to - he just couldn’t, for the love of god, comprehend all this. Having been a king of self-control and master of his own life, it was beyond Ethan’s understanding how this woman, almost a decade younger than him, managed to turn him into… well, Jenner. He’d do anything she’d ask him to do. He was an electric ride-on, the one they buy for children. And she was holding the remote.

No, this wasn’t the most fortunate comparison. Because an electric toy was not capable of feeling things. And he was. A lot. More than he ever thought possible and more than he wanted to.

The fear of being misapprehended stopped him from telling her that sometimes he hated what she was doing to him. Not her, he could never hate her. He hated this unexplainable power she had over him and wasn’t even fully aware of. It frightened him. That she clawed his composure back so easily. That her youth, enthusiasm and energy were like a tornado to the illusionary beach he used to inhabit in his head. The force of her personality wreaked havoc on the well-oiled cogs of the machine that was once his life.

It took all the strength he had to stay away, from the day he first saw her. No, that’s not right. From the first time he felt her. Ethan’s mind was definitely against him today, because the images materialised within seconds, before he even managed to fully accept the presence of the thought.

He was sitting in his office, wondering why the hell has he agreed to help Harper with reading pages of blabber from wannabe surgeons and doctors. They were all the same and if he got a cent for every time they got under his skin, he’d be a millionaire. But Harper was an old friend and his ex, he had a lot of respect for her. She’d just been promoted to the Chief of Medicine and although she was more than capable to do the job, he understood that transition from theatre to bureaucracy was scary and challenging for her. It was the least he could do to help and certainly a task way easier than being a shoulder to cry on.

Having gone through pages of “I wanna change the world and find a cure for cancer” he almost fell asleep on his desk. Not that there was something wrong with medical research or a quest for deeper meaning of one’s career - but what he read in those applications sounded like an extract from a beauty pageant. And, frankly, when he looked at some of the photos attached to applications, he couldn’t help but think beauty pageants were a better fit for some of these people than a hospital.

“Christ, are they giving away medical degrees for free these days?” He sighed loudly, sending another handful of pages onto the pile of would-be Grey’s as he called them, because he was more than certain that majority of these people derived their idea of work in hospital from the TV series Grey’s Anatomy. All Ethan knew was that he’s never seen anything more divorced from reality, having watched one episode after all the nurses kept chirping about Dr Derek Shepherd for a whole week.

Fully prepared for yet another disappointment, he turned the front page of next file. Looking at him was a young, beautiful woman with raven hair. Her gaze was daring and gentle at the same time. Even though it was just a photo, he couldn’t shake the feeling that she looked right through him.

Things only got better as he kept going through the next pages. Her application was a riveting read, it was honest, filled with passion and well written, all without being cliche. He saw the most incredible potential, but more importantly, he felt it. She made him feel things, even though he never met her. It was all just pouring from the pages. Ethan would always remember how excited and nervous it made him feel. He almost suffered from a head-on crash with gurney whilst running to Harper’s office, because he had to make sure that she gets the residency position in the hospital. His own feelings played no role here, she simply deserved this position and he knew Dr Emery won’t even question his judgement.

And then he met her.

To be honest, he completely forgot about the interns’ induction, he’s seen so many in his life already that he couldn’t care less. The new case Diagnostics Team took onboard was occupying him completely on that day.

Looking at it now, he couldn’t help but think of one of his favourite movies, Picnic at Hanging Rock. There was this line that he always felt drawn to, but could never fully understand:

“Everything begins and ends at exactly the right time and place“

He was walking down the long corridor, when he heard Danny, one of the nurses, screaming. A minute later Ethan was on his knees, next to a woman in her 50s. He figured out quite quickly what was happening to her, but if his diagnosis was correct, he was going to need some help. Having lifted his gaze, he looked for a familiar face. But there was no one around. That’s when he remembered about the stupid intern induction.

“Damn it, where are the doctors?!” - he asked out loud.

“I’m a doctor!” - responded an unfamiliar voice. Ethan turned around and saw a young woman with black hair in fresh scrubs. He never saw her before and figured she must be one of the new interns.

“You, Rookie. Come here!” - he literally wouldn’t mind if she was an actress playing a doctor, he needed an extra pair of hands. Right here, right now. She kneeled on the patient’s left side, her sight piercing him, waiting for instructions. That’s when it hit him.

It was her.

The fate didn’t spare her - Ethan knew as well as she did that having to deal with Hemothorax on your first day was a tricky business. But she was brilliant. A little nervous, yes, but brilliant.

All she needed was a push. That’s why he picked her to pieces, leaving her confused and probably upset. She will understand one day and she will be grateful.

He said what he had to say and then he just disappeared behind the corridor. He couldn’t be around her more than necessary. Because she made him feel. And this was the last thing he needed right now. Or ever.

What the hell?

Dr Ramsey shook his head and woke up from his daydream. He felt his loyal furry companion licking his hand with a pleading gaze. Suddenly, the weight of the thoughts crushed him like a tidal wave, the feeling so intense that his legs instantly turned into Jell-O, forcing him to sit down. That’s exactly what he was afraid of. The moment he’s had a minute, he immediately gave into thoughts. That’s what she was doing to him. Every part of him wanted to take an extra shift, but common sense and medical knowledge prevailed. He needed 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, otherwise his body would give up soon, making him no use to anyone, especially not all the patients who desperately needed him.

But he was a fool to assume this was going to happen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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