#the fangs are hereditary

[bananaactivity]

Sooo… Hook and Morgie huh.

Morgie and Hook look so different in this world… I love it. I actually ended up changing his hair to match Morgana from Troll Hunters 🫣. I wanted him to look more interesting cause people kept saying he was random and lame, Red heads with mullets aren’t lame I think 😃

( outing myself as a troll hunters fan in the year of 2024 💀)

Down below I put a little GIF of Morgies eyes doin the changing thing

(Why he kinda serving Edward Cullen tho like 😛)

Turns out Morgana Le Fay is REALLY powerful, so by extension Morgie should have the potential to be a pretty spooky sorcerer/ witch/ fay/ god. Based on Descendants canon, parents magical abilities is hereditary ie it’s VERY likely Morgie has all his moms powers in Arthur mythos. Which includes stuff like NECROMANCY AND OMNIPRESENCE, shapeshifting, immortality, time travel, illusion, flight, casting spells, healing, ASTRAL PROJECTION, telekinesis, mind control… other stuff across multiple media projects. I’m actually gonna keep a lot of this, minus omnipresence and time travel cse that’s way too powerful. As a caveat morgies still gonna be stupid and goofy asl… and he’s not the bossy type. He’s also tooo young to be super strong he can only do low level versions of his mom’s powers… like he can only turn into a Cat, snake, small dragon, crow, and big wolf for his transformation powers currently. I like to think anything he turns into is always black with his serpent eyes. Actually I don’t think that’s just true in my universe. Also because he’s stupid it makes since for Merlin to be okay with him at his school. Since Morgies mom has literally hated him for like centuries atp.

Speaking of this still adds another layer to the “ why is Uliana in charge when her crew consists of gods and supernatural entities that are much more powerful than she is” all she has is tentacles…. And even hook could turn her into Sannakjii if he wanted to fr bro… 3/5ths of her crew are literal gods or god adjacent 💀

I think this picture sums up My Hook and Morgie pretty good… I have more goofy pictures I wanna do of them.

Yes I did give Morgie fangs and black fingertips… necromancer??… shapeshifter??… can’t help myself??

Dont worry Hook is still flamboyant and crazy, he’s just a little sad at the beginning. He meets Morgie at school right after Peter Pan cut his hand off and banished him from Neverland because Hook got a scholarship to Merlin’s academy and he wants to be a pirate… so yeah he’s pretty sadge and struggling to function with his hook 😥 he won’t let that stop him from finishing his Swashbuckling masters degree tho 💅SLAY WE LOVE AN EDUCATED KING EVEN THO HIS SON CANT COUNT. Morgie is also a weapons smith major and he imbues his shit with like dark souls so that’s pretty cool.

I’ll have more on Morgie after I finish the goofy pictures…

[pumpka-sysflags]

Horror Movie-Themed System Names, Names, Pronouns, Titles, and Usernames!

Requested by @violyra!

System Names: (The) Horror (System/Collective/etc.), (The) Horror Movie (System/Collective/etc.), (The) Horror Flim (System/Collective/etc.), The Shining Collective, (The) Halloween Murders, The Exorcism System, A Quiet Place Council, (The) Dracula Administration, Hereditary Family, (The) Jaws Attack, (The) Scream Franchise, The Thing Organization, (The) Carrie Girls

Names: Annabelle, Carrie, Christine, Clarice, Regan, Laurie, Rosemary, Mina, Damian, Louis, Armand, Malachi, Freddy, Jason, Michael, Chucky, Draven, Corbin, Norman, Vladmir, Crowley, Salem, Raven, Jamie, Alfred, Hannibal, Jack, Nicholson, Ridley, Ripley, Starling, Warren, Amity, Birdie, Drew, Farrow, Samara, Starling, Esther, Pearl, Sidney

Pronouns: Boo/Boos/Booself, Scare/Scares/Scareself, Cruel/Cruels/Cruelself, Danger/Dangers/Dangerself, Peril/Perils/Perilself, Peri/Perish/Perishself, Hunt/Hunts/Huntself, Undead/Undeads/Undeadself, Reap/Reaper/Reaperself, Fang/Fangs/Fangself, Zom/Zoms/Zomself, Zom/Zombie/Zombieself, Ghost/Ghosts/Ghostself, Crypt/Cryptid/Cryptidself, Wit/Witch/Witchself, Dem/Demon/Demonself, Dev/Devil/Devilself, Hound/Hounds/Houndself, Mon/Ster/Monsterself, Spiri/Spirit/Spiritself, Phan/Phantom/Phantomself, Were/Werewolf/Werewolfself, Vamp/Vamps/Vampself, 😈/😈s/😈self, 👹/👹s/👹self, ☠️/☠️s/☠️self, 👻/👻s/👻self, 🧟/🧟s/🧟self, 🧛🏻‍♂️/🧛🏻‍♂️s/🧛🏻‍♂️self, 🪚/🪚s/🪚self, 🪓/🪓s/🪓self, 🔪/🔪s/🔪self

Titles: The Director, The Horror Director, (Pronoun) Who Made The Horror, (Pronoun) Who Directs, The Film, The Movie, The Slasher, (Pronoun) Who Murders, (Pronoun) Who Kills, (Pronoun) Who Watches The Horror, (Pronoun) Who Likes Horror Movies, The Movie Watcher, The Final (Girl/Boy/etc.), (Pronoun) Who Survived, (The/My/Our) Divine Slasher, (The/My/Our) Divine Survivor, (The/My/Our) Mythical Murderer, (The/My/Our) Rumored Killer, The Vampire, The Zombie, The Ghost, The Spirit, The Skeleton, The Ghoul

Usernames: slasherish, the-divine-slasher, theexxorcised, thehauntinghaunter, everybodysfavoritefinalgirl, lovelovemurdertime, teeheeslasher, zombie-eater, chewingonvampires, therumoredghoul

[mobblespsycho100]

roles for all the characters in my Urban Fantasy Dunmeshi AU (Curses & Coffins) so far... (so some peeps aren't mentioned but they still exist i prommy i did not forget abt izutsumi my beloved catgirl izutsumi)

Laios: part time vampire hunter, he usually volunteers at the local library. Working for Thistle for the vague promise of getting turned into a werewolf with magic somehow

Toshiro: exorcist (slash yokai hunter) of the Nakamoto Clan. Afflicted with a mysterious non-hereditary blood curse that makes him a demon / monster magnet

Kabru: pro vampire hunter who's been trained in all the ways of vampire hunting ever since he was a kid. Recently turned vampire which is giving him 100 complexes

Chilchuck: Grave Digger Union Representative

Senshi: Bartender or chef at a local fantasy resto place...

Falin: spirit medium / exorcist ! also does necromancy and healing sometimes

Marcille: Necromancer extraordinaire and a magic scholar

Rin: demigod who's just so cool and has storm related powers. hunts monsters sometimes

Namari: runs a blacksmithing place. also a werewolf (still a dwarf just . werewolf also)

Thistle: mad mage who runs a store with magic knicknacks and such. currently looking for a way to mass produce immortality elixirs for his younger brother Delgal and his family (he has a big family). Employing Laios to hunt vampires because he needs their fangs for stuff (mad science experiments)

The Canaries: Renowned vampire hunters but they also track down other monsters. mostly just there idk anythign

[unironicallytes]

Zathiril av Mor'iargalthil

Valus Silencer (3E429~433)

I realized I didn't have a dedicated post for my Oblivion prequel Silencer OC so here we go

In the setting of Dear Brother, Zath is Lucien's Silencer before the player character/HoK arrives during the canon of Oblivion.

Age: 33 Gender: Male/Intersex Height: 5'2" Birthsign: The Serpent Birthday: 14 Frostfall 3E400 Birthplace: Tarlain Heights, Grahtwood Languages: Gilvar Bosmeris, Tamrielic Summary (under the cut):

Zath hails from a Bosmer clan called Mor'iargalthil, a very remote group up in the Tarlains. The clan is made up of isolationist descendants from Gil-Var-Delle survivors. His father, however, is a secret Keerilth vampire, having been attacked and turned in the 2nd Era after leaving the village. It is next to impossible for Zath to exist as biological offspring between his mortal mother and his vampiric father, but nevertheless, he does. He was born with no Magicka and cannot communicate with animals. His hereditary vampirism is dormant - he is perpetually in the "incubation" period, unless something triggers the change. Zath and everyone around him are unaware of this biological quirk, save for his father, who has not communicated any of that. Zath's name roughly translates to "fangs hidden in depths of beauty", a reference which his father claims is to his birthsign alone. Zath was recruited into the Dark Brotherhood's Anvil Sanctuary at age 20 in 3E420, after unknowingly stealing a kill from Lucien in Skingrad. The two were transferred to Cheydinhal the very next Evening Star in 3E421, following an "incident" centered around Leyawiin which neither of them were privy to. Many Dark Siblings were shuffled around at that time to shore up a huge and unexplained loss of family. Following this transfer, the two eventually became equal ranks and developed a close ... situationship. They aren't exactly "together", but they've also been inseparable for the better part of a decade. When Lucien advanced to Valus Speaker in 3E429, he took Zath along with him as his Silencer. Zath is impulsive, arrogant, and prone to bouts of bloody rage. He reveres the Brotherhood faith deeply; within the order's ranks, he feels the most accepted and understood he's ever been. He speaks with a heavy accent, which is probably inadvisable to comment on when in his presence. He enjoys long walks in the woods and has a knack for cooking. He is wildly allergic to most Bosmeri drugs and will go full "Fighter's Guild Water's Edge Quest" if he partakes. Even though he doesn't follow Y'ffre any longer and has lived in Cyrodiil for years, the Green Pact is still culturally-ingrained and forms many of his eating habits. Needless to say, he delights in eating his kills. As of 3E433, Zathiril is minding his own business and sitting on his laurels with Lucien when some strange things start happening in the Brotherhood.

[anemonelovesfiction]

Part 2 to Not A Prank

Warnings ⚠️: Smut. Duh. Human Y/n. Pregnancy.

Tsireya x Human! Reader & Lo’ak x Human! Reader

Sorry I don’t have an official title, idk what to call this, but you don’t need to read Not A Prank to understand this one. AFAB reader. This is not proofread- sorry about that. And I been feeling depressy/ writers blocky so please be nice to me, your niceness might buy y’all a third part… Might.

Thank you to henhouse-horrors for the suggestions, seriously didn’t even read your comments til today but figured I’d give you a lil shout out, mami 😌

<<Previous

“How do you like this, Tiyawn?” Her lips ghost over my nipples as her second finger slips in with ease, but the feeling of fullness overtakes my body as she thrusts slowly, my nipples were standing at attention and I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Please,” I whine at the pleasure her fingers were giving me, her fingers were thicker than Lo’ak’s but were shorter, yet that didn’t stop her from being able to prod so deep she’d touched my cervix in more than one occasion.

“Please what?” She asks, the marui had heated up so quick with our activities, it was technically their summer- meaning it was hot already- and the fire building in my lower belly wasn’t helping with it, I felt like a bitch in heat.

“Use your words baby,” She’s speaking directly in my ear, taking the opportunity to nip at the lobe and I can feel myself contract against her fingers as I gasp at the sensation. I take the time to study her face and she was proudly wearing her smirk- That stupid damned smirk was hereditary.

“Mo-mmy-“ I stutter as she curls her fingers gently to rub against my G spot, stopping any thought process from continuing. Her fingers were stretching my pussy as she curled them, the stretch didn’t hurt, but I was too damn close and yet I still needed more.

“I know, Tiyawn,” Her other hand is wrapped around my waist, keeping me up against the wall marui, that same hand tweaking my nipple since it had the length to do so. My left thigh was dangling off of that bicep and she had told me to hold my right thigh up and not let it fall, because if I did, she would stop, and I was too damn close to stop. But she was full of surprises as she added her third finger, going slow to get me used to it, I was going to come soon.

She leans back down to kiss my mouth and doesn’t waste time shoving her tongue back in. She disconnects our mouths and kisses down my jawline and down my neck, I could feel myself clenching in her fingers as she did, she chuckles lightly.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself, huh?” She continues kissing down my neck and gets to my pulse point, allowing the fingers she had in me slow just to get her thumb to graze over my sensitive clit.

“Mommy!” I squeal and she coo’s. She’d purposely avoided my clit just to edge me as long as she could, her fingers were already massaging my insides well, but her rubbing on my clit was a sure way to make me come, but I knew better, I had to wait for her command.

“Hmm, come for me princess.”

She curls her fingers to do the come here motion again and the fire that trails from my cunt and through my body was incredible. I could feel myself clenching around her fingers so greedily, it was overwhelming in a good way. I could feel the slight sting of her fangs digging between my shoulder and neck as my vision turns white, my orgasms were always profound whenever they took the time to bite the sensitive skin there.

She’d woken me up with innocent caresses on my body, to which I wanted to push away, but she took her time with me, I knew Lo’ak couldn’t have been with us at that time since she’d started the morning off by kissing down my back, giving me goosebumps, and he would have joined in by then. She even took the time to make me a breakfast where she physically fed me, even with my protests of being capable of doing it myself, she only shushed me and occasionally ran her hand on my thigh.

“Focus baby girl,” She nuzzles her cheek into mine, never ceasing her ministrations, the palm of her hand was covered in my juices, the fingers inside still carefully grazing my G spot, thumb on my clit lazily running side by side. I whine at the sensitivity and try pulling my hips away but found it hard to since my back was still on the wall of our marui.

“Are you going to walk out again the next time you see Mommy and Daddy mating?” She asks so sensually in my ear that I moaned at the images flashing in my head, and yet she still hasn’t stopped moving in me, I moan loudly as my hips jerk from the sensitivity but she doesn’t stop, I have to shake my head at this point but the scenario plays in my head again.

_________

I’d learned how to wash linens the hard way, but wanted to get better at something to show my mates I wasn’t a complete waste of space and they didn’t have to worry about having a clean marui whenever they dived or hunted. It was challenging without the solar powered washing machines back at the compound, where there was multiple machines at my disposal. I’d folded everything nicely after it dried and placed it in a basket, somehow spacing out on my trek home, I’d managed to block out everything, until I lifted the curtain that was blocking the entrance of the marui and the sight before me makes me freeze.

Closer to the furthest wall from the entrance, I see Lo’ak inside of Tisreya, pumping his cock into her pussy pretty quick. He was efficient and was lightly grasping her neck as she held a hand over her mouth to stop herself from being vocal, Lo’ak was grunting but also restraining himself. Both of their eyes shut tightly as they marvel in the pleasure they are giving each other, their Kuru’s joined together, his hips snapping into her as she tries to meet them- I knew that drove me wild whenever he did it.

I couldn’t feel the basket in my hands anymore and look down to see I’d dropped it, I must have focused on them entirely to have let that happen, upon looking up, both sets of eyes are looking at me. Green and teal, staring back into my own, I could feel the thick silence as I find it hard to push the apology out of my throat. I feel like I’d been caught watching something I shouldn’t have.

“I’m sorry-“ I mutter out as I quickly look down to avoid their eye contact. I don’t expect them to say anything so I turn around and run from the marui to give them the privacy they needed, ending up at the mini forest, climbing a tree to look at the ocean to have some kind of peace in myself.

I wasn’t jealous that they were having their own intimate time together, we all often needed a date or two away from the other person and I’m sure they’ve had sex before they came to me that night near the spirit tree. But being caught watching them do something so intimate as they could feel each others pleasure, just the two of them in that marui, made me feel less adequate and less able to fulfill my duties as their second mate. If anything, I felt like I had invaded their privacy for staying as long as I did, I’ll never be able to be as close as they could be with their ability to bond, fuck I’m pathetic.

After that day I’d been sleeping off to the side more, moving away if they touched me, waking up earlier than they do to start my day and making sure I spend enough time out of the marui to get home after eclipse,maybe this is the space they’d need to comfortably not be bothered. But Tsireya made sure it didn’t last long, in fact it only lasted four days, she’s good at noticing patterns and coming up with quick plans, plans like the one this morning.

_________

“Good girl,” She coo’s and thrusts her fingers back in harshly, not once having pulled them away, the tingle in my pussy had me wanting more and the slight sensitivity wants her to stop, but her fingers tickled my special spot just right that it was driving me feral.

“Mommy, w-wait,” I mutter but bite my lip as she gently does the come here motion again, I can’t even form a thought as she bites her own lip at the sight of me, my breath coming out labored and my moans falling from my lips now, I couldn’t stop them even if I tried.

“Look at your greedy pussy swallowing my fingers so easily, baby. You’re so wet my fingers slide in, look-“ She thrusts her fingers all the way in, the palm of it just leaning over top of my clit, her hand completely covering my pussy.

“Ugh!” I grunt and feel my hips moving as much as they could with the position I was in.

“Yeah, you look stupid right now.” Her own eyes are half lidded but I’m finding it hard to keep mine open. Her cheeks are a darker blue shade as she’d been at this since this morning.

“Mommy-“ I whine and she shoves her fingers all the way back in, palm covering my pussy.

“Take it baby.” She keeps her fingers shoved in my cunt without thrusting them and I whine at the feeling of fullness, until her palm rubs on my clit, her fingers moving against my special spot, and I kept my eyes shut, holding my right thigh up, nails digging in the underside of my own flesh but the sting wasn’t something I could feel.

“You’ve got another orgasm for mama, huh?” She asks rhetorically.

“Ca-can’t,” Is the only word I can muster enough energy for. I can feel myself being laid in the floor but her hand never stops rubbing my clit, fingers wiggling inside to stimulate me.

“Mama says you can.” Her eyes are dark, hazed over by her lust, I feel like I’m going to die.

“N-no, no-“ I start to disagree with her but stop myself when I can feel her other hand slowly rubbing the rim of my ass, still managing to hold me up against the wall of the marui, just flexing her wrist to reach her fingers inside.

“Oh mommy,” I sigh and she smirks at her success.

“You are such a good little girl for mommy, hmm?” All I could do was agree with a nod, eyes closed, I was already so close and she shoves the tip of her finger in my ass.

“Come,”

I don’t recall passing out, being cleaned, or even changing into my clothes again. But the hand that lightly rubbed my cheek was what made me open my eyes. The marui was dimly lit due to the curtains covering the marui’s entrances with the sun barely shining through. I could smell the soap she uses mixed with my own, she must have washed me after my orgasm.

“Here baby, drink some water,” She hands me a cup she had filled with water and I suddenly realize how thirsty I am, I take a long swig if water.

“How are you feeling?” She asks as she sits on her bum, legs crossed in front of her, her voice is soft and her eyes are showing worry, it makes me forget about the absolute mommy domme she could be.

“Better,” I smiled but couldn’t meet her eyes.

“I’ll need to head out and do my chores for the day, but Lo’ak should be here soon,” She reassures me and I nod. I haven’t talked to either of them at all these past four days, and aside from the mind blowing sex we just had, my one word answer was the only thing I’d responded to Tsireya with. She gets on her knees and stretches her hand to caress my cheek gently.

“You know I love you, yes?”

She’s scooted closer toward me and it makes me hold my breath knowing she was this close, I subconsciously gulp and wet my lips, her eyes dart down toward my lips but move back up quickly to look into my eyes. She leans down and meets my lips and I could feel warmth radiating in my chest. Just then I could hear the curtain at the tent ruffle and my nostrils are invaded with Lo’ak’s smell, it was so damn good, I had no idea what it was.

Tsireya disconnects our lips, caressing my cheek with her thumb, before letting go and standing up. I shamelessly watch her hips as she sashays them toward Lo’ak and briefly kisses him goodbye as she lifts the curtain at the entryway, looking back at us one last time.

“She’s all yours,” She stated and leaves.

“Hey you,” He smiles as he takes Tsireya’s place in front of me, on his knees from the start. His voice is a little deeper and the tattoo’s decorated around the fronts his ear are grasping my attention, he’s gotten them after passing his metkayina iknimaya, before his marriage to us, he’d even gotten a tattoo on his chin, he truly was irresistible.

“Hi,” I shyly responded, turning my eyes away from where I’d been staring, knowing his green eyes were still locked on me. I felt shy whenever he looked at me like this, like I meant everything to him, but I couldn’t mean much- not without a way to bond.

“What is it?” He asks and I look back at him. He knew what he was asking, but I didn’t know how to answer him, so I stayed quiet and shrugged instead.

“You can trust me, baby girl, with everything.” He expresses gently and reaches over to place my hand in his, sliding it up my arm to hold it. He wasn’t preventing me from escaping, on the contrary, this is how he shows he cares while giving us space. His grip wasn’t tight at all and his thumb caresses my arm- he’d picked that soothing technique from Tsireya. Then he sits with his bum on the floor and his legs crossed.

“I feel-“ I’d made the mistake of looking into his eyes and shut my mouth immediately, looking away again, snaking my hand out of his grip. I feel him grab onto my wrist harder before I’d completely slipped out from his grip, managing to sit me on his lap with one swift tug, facing him. He places one hand on the small of my back, keeping me there, the other on my cheek to stop me from looking elsewhere.

“Go on,” He stated and I had a hard time looking away from his eyes feeling hypnotized by them. “You feel-“ He stated again and I could feel my cheeks heating up at that.

“Inadequate.” I finished off, thinning my lips after, unsure of how he’d react. “As your mate,” I barely whispered and found the courage to look to the side, no longer able to stare at him.

“Why?” He asks.

“I can’t bond-“ I found myself answering without my voice shaking.

“Oh, Y/n,” He coo’s softly, I look up at him.

“I don’t need to bond with you to love you, to show you that I love you, to know you feel bothered by something, or to even read your thoughts my love.”

I’m sure my face of confusion was enough for him to explain himself, but a small smiled played on his mouth before he’d said anything, but I had to have some idea or my cheeks wouldn’t have been bursting into flames.

“Do you need me to show you like mommy did?” He asks and I’d honestly blanked on what he meant.

“Show me what?” I asked and he leans closely and I could swear my face was catching fire.

“How adequate you are.” He kisses my cheek and moves his way down toward my jawline, dragging his tongue across the opposite side where Tsireya had bitten me, they each had designated sides.

He’d taken the liberty of sliding my top off, kissing down my chest, attacking my rapidly pebbled nipples while slowly pushing me down onto the spongey floor of our marui.

“Lo,” I moan his nickname out for him to look backnup toward me, his eyes hazed with lust, flicking my inner thigh at the way I had just addressed him.

“Its Daddy or sir.” He corrects me and I bite my lip and nod in understanding.

“What do you say baby girl?” He asks while his fingers trail down toward my tewng, starting to fumble with the little bow Tsireya must have tied, his eyes never leaving mine as the tewng gets loose.

“S-sorry daddy,” I whimper at his smirk and he taps my hip, telling me to lift them up for him to take my tewng off. I plant my feet on the floor of our Marui and lift my hips as he slides it off quick.

“Yeah, thats what I like to hear,” He leans down to kiss me on my lips, sliding his tongue in while caressing mine, the battle for dominance never commencing since it was his. His fingers don’t take long to travel down toward my pussy and shoves two in without hesitation and I’m surprised at the slick I’d produced, and it probably helped that Tsireya prepped me beforehand with the two orgasms she’d given me.

Since his tongue was still shoved in my mouth I had no choice but to moan and lift my hips off the ground to protest that I didn’t need to be prepped for him.

“You’ll take what daddy gives you, yeah?” He grunts as he shoves a third finger in, but his hand is much larger in size than Tsireya’s, and although his fingers are thin, the orgasms I has beforehand weren’t making this stretch sting any less.

“It stings a bit, doesn’t it baby girl?” He asks and plants a kiss down on my inner thigh and it catches me off guard as to how he knew.

“Please-“ I pant while lifting myself on my elbows.

“You can have it,” Lo’ak teases with his voice, removing his fingers, but not without harshly pressing his fingers upward, running them out slowly , making me shudder as he pulls them out, bucking my hips pathetically as he did.

“But you have to ride.” He makes direct eye contact as he shoves his fingers, covered in my slick, down his mouth and groaning at the taste.

“Is that something you’re up for baby girl?” He asks, eye fucking me as his eyes rake down my body. I can only nod at his words, still feeling tired from the fuck of a lifetime Tsireya gave me.

“Stand up.” He orders and I stand on wobbly legs, unable to completely stand still, wanting to please him either way.

“Look at how wobbly your legs are, did Mommy play too rough with you?” He ask while laying down, taking his own tewng off at and throwing it off to the side. His cock leaned back toward his stomach, glistening in precome, the veins popping up and becoming noticeable, the freckles along the shaft shining in the semi dark marui.

“Are you going to stare at it all day, Tiyawn?” He asks as his own body is being held up by his elbows, I swallow thickly, shaking my head and working the courage to walk up to him.

It doesn’t take long before he takes both of my hands in his, I spread my legs wide and sink down slowly, taking one hand from his grasp and placing it on his shaft to guide it in my leaky cunt. I work the mushroom tip in bite my lip to stifle a moan.

“No, I want to hear you.” He pulls the skin of my chin down, effectively making me release my bottom lip.

“Different angle, feel it more-“ I focus on my words as he smiles, placing my hands on his shoulders to steady myself, taking the liberty to place his on my hips.

“You can take more though, I can feel your slipper pussy wants more.” He pushes my hips down and I moan.

“Daddy!” It came out as a surprised squealy moan and he chuckles darkly to himself.

“You like the way that felt, and you’re dying for me to do this,” He swivels my hips, knocking his mushroom head tip on my G spot magically.

I couldn’t believe the sounds I was letting out as I let him control my range of motion, my knees felt like they were going to give out at any point, but I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle it.

“Your knee’s are getting weaker baby.”

“H-how do y-you know tha-at?” I asked while fighting the urge to be lost on him continuously swirling around on his dick.

“Because I don’t need the bond with you to know how you’re feeling, my love.” He leans down to capture my lips, thrusting slowly into my pussy, a bulge forming at the bottom of my stomach, I pat it gently and Lo’ak moans at the sensation.

“Daddy, you’re huge-“ I state as I’m drunk off his cock, feeling close to coming, but refusing to tell him.

“Can’t come yet til you can’t think- like a dumb slut-“ He thrusts harder, slamming his cock in me and I could feel my brain short circuiting.

“Y-you m-me-mean!” I stutter out as he continues thrusting it has me rolling my eyes in the back of my head. He lets out a surprised laugh but continues.

“I’ll keep fucking you dumb as many times as I have to so you know how much I love you.” He struggles to get his words out without grunting.

“Come for me baby,”

But surprisingly enough I felt different, the way I let go was so much stronger, I could feel myself giving him every piece of me, my body, my soul, my mind.

“Fucking great mother-“ Lo’ak states in shock. My chest feels heavy and I can feel a warmth fill my cunt up, having failed to realize he was still thrusting as my pussy kept coming. He doesn’t stop rubbing my clit and moans loudly, biting his lip harshly.

“You’re still coming, it feels so fucking good on my cock,” He whines and tries burying himself deeper inside, I’m almost blacked out but can see him enjoying himself, which was enough for me. I could see his belly and mid chest were now wet and it takes me by surprise to know I’d squirted.

“Oh my Eywa,” Lo’ak continues thrusting gently inside and comes himself, his own face contorted into pleasure, still rubbing my clit, taking the time to lean down and bite the skin between my neck and shoulder on the opposite side Tsireya had.

_________

Opening my eyes was a challenge. My lids felt heavy as hell and I’d almost given up on trying, but felt like I needed to wake up at the moment. My eyes take a second to adjust as I move them around to take a look at my surroundings since they don’t seem familiar at first. I knit my brows in confusion, taking this time to move my head to allow me to see the place better, and I had no idea where I was. I sit up but stop half way as a dull ache surges through my cunt, I hiss at the sensation immediately.

“Glad to see you’re awake,”

I turn to see Ronal weaving something as her eyes focus on me, she’s a very skillful tsahik, I wish I could weave like her. I must have been in her little healing hut, laying in a cot that had been set out, I take the time to sit on its edge.

“How long was I out?” I asked and she focuses her eyes back on her weaving as she changes the thread color quickly.

“Just two, almost three, eclipses.” She states as she cocks her head for me to see the evening sun, not quite eclipse, but soon. My eyes widen at the information she had stated.

“You know, you worried your mates after you wouldn’t wake. They must have put in some work to make you sleep as long as you did,” She smirks to herself, shoulders bobbing as she silently laughs, that fuckin hereditary smirk.

“Where are they?” I asked immediatly, as worry fills my features, she smiles softly at the sight and I swear I’d never seen her smile that way before.

“Sleeping.” She steps to the side to reveal the two of them cuddling, they must have been up for a while to have been tuckered out the way they were, and my heart further leaps as I notice the little space they’d subconsciously left between themselves for me.

“I told them to go home and rest for when you woke, but they said they didn’t want to leave you.” She stands and makes her way to me. I take the time to stretch and my legs spread out on their own accord and I see her checking my thighs.

“I put a salve to help heal the bruising you had there, it seems to have worked.” She smiles to herself. “I told them to be careful with the baby next time.” I’m taken aback at the comment.

“Did they watch your baby?” I asked as I notice him sleeping in the his little basket, his little eyes closed as he too sleeps peacefully.

“Your baby.” She states but the confusion is still there. “I don’t have a-“ I cut myself off as she closes her eyes with a soft nod after I’d looked down at myself and back toward her.

“B-but we, we only mated two nights ago,” I stutter. “You said so yourself-“

“Not from then.” She shakes her head and smiles softly once more. “From your first mating night. You are carrying the first tawtute-born hybrid. To be fair I found out when Lo’ak brought you in and he asked if I could check you inside as well. He was very worried when you passed out. I had to send Tonowari to fetch Tsireya so she’d know where you were.”

“But- but how is that possible?” I ask in disbelief.

“With the great mother anything is possible, even babies. I’m excited for my first grandchild.” She stated so sweetly.

I like seeing the way you handle the children very well and it makes my chest feel like its burning to see you with our children

Tsireya’s words from the night we first mated rings in my head. Our children. She had mentioned that if she were to become pregnant they would still be considered mine as well. I had only thought this extended toward mates and that was it, but seeing how excited and happy Ronal was, I was foolish to not believe it would extend to everyone.

“I can’t-“ I start shaking my head and she places a hand on my shoulder.

“Mawey,” She states simply. “You can.”

[maryannecrimsworth]

Yandere wednesday x reader where the reader is very innocent and doesnt know when people are flirting with him or when people are doing dirty minded because he very sheltered his whole life so doesn't have any dirty minded stuff because he doesn't what they mean in the first place so wednesday becomes infatuated with him because he is so innocent which is something you dont see in that type of age range so wednesday would want his innocence to be kept so he gets kidnapped by wednesday as thats the best way to keep him pure and innocent and wednesday would make him meets her family

You, anon, are now the owner of my heart. I LOVE innocent reader and is honestly so nice to write. This one is really similar to me, to be honest...Hope you like it!

Pairing: Yandere! Wednesday Addams x Innocent! gn! Reader

Warnings: overprotective behavior; (failed) attempt of abuse; kidnapping

Extra scene

Tu puridad

“So, what do you say?” The question made your fingers drum the table of your booth again. “Both schools are going to be there, all normies and outcasts partying together.” 

He was so excited, you could tell by the way his fangs showered when he smiled; and he couldn’t stop smiling. 

The girl, sitting by his side, intervened hastily. 

“After the movie, of course.” She smiled, one hand moving to the nape of the vampire by her side, and the other moving to your wrist. “You don’t have to drop by the party, but we would love if you watched the movie with us.” Her fingers brushed warmly against your skin. “Just us three, on the back of my truck, enjoying a spooky movie and each other.” She smiled; she didn’t have fangs. You’re not sure of what she is. “You in?”

“Yeah! I love drive-in theaters!” You tapped her hand and leaned back in your seat, not noticing the smirk which spread over their lips simultaneously. 

They looked at each other before leaning closer to you again.

“We’ll pick you up at 11.” “Wear something fancy.” They whispered one after the other.

“Isn’t 11 a bit too late?” You leaned closer and whispered back. The frown in your eyebrows and curiosity in your gaze made them laugh. 

“Not at all!” “Be ready, Y/N!” They stood up from the booth, holding hands while they walked away from you. “See you later!” The girl blew a kiss in your direction, and the vampire winked at you a moment before leaving the Weathervane. 

The doorbell rang and you turned to your table again, to the wooden puzzle which was abruptly interrupted by the couple’s approach. You have to start again. 

You replaced the pieces to their original positions, and paused the counting of the pocket chronometer lying next to your mug. The biggest block, placed on the top of the small board, needed to be slid over to its bottom’s border, without removing any smaller pieces on its way. A classic puzzle, the Klotski. Just a silly game you liked to solve while taking your daily tea cup.

You’ve become a loyal customer; even though the lady from Uriah’s Heap made amazing tea, you preferred the environment of the Weathervane. The quiet, but always agitated place gave you opportunities to meet new people, both outcasts and normies. 

And someone always talked to you as soon as you sat in your usual booth. You did not even have to wave or smile at someone — they approached you, sooner or later. The vampire and the girl, who you then figured were called Darren and Stacy, did it; and now Enid Sinclair and Yoko Tanaka did it too. 

 “Hey, Y/N!” Enid sat in front of you, and you had to stop solving your puzzle once again. “I got amazing news!”

“Hey, Enid, Yoko.” You smiled at them both. “Let me hear about it.” “Ajax agreed on this huge night out and we’re renting a trailer for the drive-in.”

“My virgin mojito and all the Nightshades included.” Yoko added. 

“And Kent will not stop asking me about you. So, you coming?” Enid leaned over you, whispering conspiratorially. “We can hide while they watch that awful movie.”

“I must say Hereditary is an unexpectedly sickening and disruptive modern artwork.” A cold voice came from your side. Wednesday Addams was standing next to your booth. “But I hate to think I’ll watch such a horrifying movie while listening to your screams.” She handed a mug to Enid and sat down by your side. “Hello, Y/N.”

“Hi.” You waved at her and looked back at Enid. “And I’d love to watch the movie with all of you but I’ve just been invited by a couple. You might know him, Yoko, he is a vampire called Darren.”

Enid’s and Yoko’s faces dropped. 

“Y/N, you can not be serious.” The vampire muttered. 

“I’ve told you about them, they’re these weird lovers who keep inviting cute people for their dates.” Enid lowered her voice. “You know, for…”

“Have fun, yes.” You finished. “They said they’re curious to know me more.”

“Exactly, Y/N.” Yoko hissed. “You can’t meet them.”

“Come on, you guys are being mean!” You complained, sipping the end of your drink before arguing one last time: “I’ll meet you all in the party after the session anyways.”

“Which party?” Yoko and Enid asked at the same time, their voices loud and worried. 

“ ‘The’ party, with normies and outcasts.” You frowned. “Were you not invited?”

“We have never heard about it.”

“Oh.” You froze for a second. “Oh, that’s okay. I’m coming home earlier in one way or another. Gramma gets angry when I’m late.” “I thought she had quit this overprotective stuff.”

You shrugged your shoulders and started to pack your things. “I can get away with it every now and then.” You zipped your backpack closed and turned to Wednesday, sat by your side, on the edge of the booth. “Do you mind?” You asked.

“I do.” She moved only to face you. “Joining a couple of thirsty vampires proves that you are either stupid or genuinely clueless.”

“Excuse me?” You leaned back. Both Enid and Yoko were staring at you and Wednesday with widened eyes. “We won the quiz competition together!How can you say—” You were yelling. You did not yell — you were not this type of person. You stopped yourself and rubbed your face before adding: “Sorry, forget it. We’ll meet there anyway, alright? I might be there eleven-ish.” You made your way out of the booth and exited the Weathervane.

“Eleven?” Enid asked Yoko as soon as you walked away. “The movie doesn’t start at 8?”

“It does.” Enid and Yoko held their breath simultaneously. They both turned to Wednesday at the same time, ready to ask for help — but her seat was empty.

She was not there. 

X

The concept of ‘fancy clothing’ has always been confusing to you: why would someone wear thin, tight clothes when it was so cold outside? Hell no, you’re wearing a coat and comfy pants, nothing of t-shirts and ripped jeans. Your news friends asked you to wear something neat,  something that would make you look good — but you didn't want to. You didn't like to. Why only the uncomfortable made you look pretty? And why did you have to look ‘pretty’ in the first place? It did not matter, and friends weren’t supposed to care about these things, right? Right! So, comfy pants and baggy coats are the best choice(always). 

You kissed your gramma goodnight and packed your things before stepping outside the house. Thankfully, the cold didn’t painfully hit you, and you have prepared yourself for a winter night in the open air. Blankets, bottles with soup, a puzzle: you have got all your need for having a great time with your new friends. 

They arrived at 11 o’clock, and asked you to sit in the backseat. Darren was driving, and Stacy was by his side, humming something under her breath. You were smiling: watching the couple talk nonchalantly until you gathered the courage to show your puzzle.

“Hey, I know we’re supposed to watch that movie but…” You took the box out of your backpack. “I brought this, in case we get bored. It’s a really funny group puzzle.”

Darren and Stacy glanced back at you, and the sight of the wooden game in your hands made the vampire laugh loudly. 

“Sticks and holes? You sure know what kind of games we like, Y/N!” He kept laughing, his eyes now focused on the road. 

You frowned, unsure of what was so funny about his speech, and then lowered your gaze, analyzing the game. It sure was a great game but it wasn’t funny like that — especially because Darren hasn’t even played it yet. Weird.

You were packing the box again when a warm hand reached your wrist. 

“I guarantee you we’re going to have our hands too full to play.” Stacy’s words made you smile brightly. “Don’t worry.”

“Like, you guys brought popcorn and snacks? I grabbed some soup from home, Gramma makes an amazing one, but soup doesn’t go very well with cinema, does it?” This time, it was Stacy’s turn to laugh. 

You pouted at their giggling and leaned back in your seat. No popcorn then. Your eyes drifted away from the couple in front of you, and you soon looked at your surroundings. There were trees, grass, and darkness, but no other cars nor a screen for display. 

There were just the woods, isolated and dark woods. 

“We arrived.” Darren said suddenly, stopping the car. You jumped off the backseat immediately, being driven by your own curiosity. After almost a minute analyzing the horizon, you did find the screen of the drive-in — but it was too distant and no movie was being shown.

“Shit, are we late?” You stepped forward, heading to the area of the open-air theater. “I don't think there is anyone else there.” You felt a grip in your shoulder. It wasn’t warm and soft, like the usual, like Stacy’s, it was strong, tight, cold — hurtful. 

Darren grabbed your shoulders and moved you around effortlessly, pressing you against the back of the truck without any resistance from you.

“Y-you good?” You stuttered, the soup bottle opened on the impact and was now burning your back. “Let’s see the movie, shall we?”

“That is not really our plan, Y/N.” Stacy stepped closer, standing next to Darren. There was a smile on her lips, with fangs, just like Darren’s, and wicked, just like his. You felt her hands cupping your face, the touch suddenly did not feel warm. It felt sickening. 

You tried to dodge her soft grip, but the hands on your shoulder held you still. “I don’t like this.” You whispered. “Let me go.” Her hands went under your clothes, ignoring your pleas blatantly — you shivered under her caressing, your stomach churning as you tried hard not to cry. You rushed forward suddenly — forcing Stacy to step back, but it was not enough to free you from Darren. 

The vampire held your more firmly and slammed you back into the truck. Your bottle broke on your back, soaking your backpack and making you grunt in pain.

You closed your eyes hard. Your head fell back as fear overwhelmed you.

The touches would spread until the boiling liquid became the thing that hurt you the least. You didn't know how, but your instincts knew you were in danger.

The tears began to fall as your breathing increased: you opened your lips in an effort to breathe easier, panting into the vampire's face so close to you;

The last thing you felt was the metallic taste of blood in your mouth — and then the touches stopped.

Everything stopped — and it was all dark and silent.

Somehow, you felt peace.

X

“Y/N.” A cold voice tickled your ears. “It’s time to wake up.”

“Hmm…” It was hard to open your eyes — they were heavy. Everything was way too heavy. “Five more minutes.”

“No.” A pair of hands sat you up. “You must wake up.”

You grumbled and rubbered your eyes until you felt ready to open them. The clarity hit you like stabs — small needles pierced your forehead as you looked at the figure in front of you carefully. It was Wednesday, her blank face as usual was now frowned because of a small knot between her eyebrows. 

“How do you feel?” She asked after letting you go. The first thing you noticed was the dark walls behind her.

“Wow, that’s so cool!” You jumped up suddenly, running to one of the walls. The room was dark, dusty, and spooky. “Is this place haunted?” You touched the wall, feeling its coldness. 

“Yes.” Wednesday’s voice came from behind you, but you didn’t look back.

“Nice!” You giggled, contemplating the ghostly scenery of the room. The cracked, yellowed windows; the creaking, wooden floor; the dark, spider-filled ceiling; the small bed in the corner, clearly stiff and uncomfortable; a wide desk full of skeletons and random blocks of wood. It was a bedroom in a big old house — one that you didn't really know. You felt a shiver running up your spine again. “Uh…Wednesday.” You turned to her: she was already watching you. “Where are we?”

“I brought you home, Y/N.”

You frowned.

“What do you mean?” “I mean you belong here.” She stepped closer, the frown leaving her features and giving space for an intense gaze. Her cold, freezing eyes, now targeted you with warmth and….something. Something you could not really describe, but that made more shivers run over your body. You were trembling by the time she stood in front of you, only a few inches from you. “You’re safe now.”

“Safe from what?” You shot back immediately, your voice cracking. “How did I get here? Where are Darren and Stacy?”

“None of this matters.”

“Wednesday, what were they—” You swallowed hard. You could feel Stacy’s touch and Darren’s grip all over you again. “What do you think they were trying to do?” “It does not matter.” Wednesday repeated, her voice even more loud and stiff. “I will not let anything happen to you.”

“But what—How? I was just meeting my friends.”

“They are not your friends. And you don’t need anyone else.”

“What?”

“I will make sure you’re preserved.” She explained. “I and my family will.”

“Preserve me from what, Wed? You are not making any sense.” You sighed, frustrated, walking away from her. You headed to the door while Wednesday followed your steps silently.

“Yo protegeré tu puridad.” She whispered. “I will take care of you.”

You tried to open the door. It was locked. 

“Wednesday, this is not funny.” You turned back to her, who was right behind you. “Let me go. I need to stay with my gramma and go to school and—”

“I've taken care of all that.” Wednesday touched your face: her cold hand caressed your cheek as her gaze changed completely. The heat and intensity was replaced by a deep gentleness. Her eyes fell to your lips as you gasped quietly, the fear now chattering your teeth. “My protégé.” You froze. You wanted to run but her voice paralyzed you. “I will do anything for you.”

Anything. 

Whether it is killing a couple of vampires or sending your grandmother to an asylum — whether it is lying to everyone at school and sending goodbye letters to your family.

Wednesday Addams will do anything to protect you — she will do anything, only for you.

And she will never let you go.

[Extra and odd scene]

“Pugsley wants to go in the maze with you.” Wednesday told you deadpanly.

“Maze? Where?” You sat up in your bed immediately.

“We have a hedge maze in the garden.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I am not.”

The bright smile you showed made Wednesday look away.

Pugsley then appeared at the doorway, waving shyly at you. 

You jumped up and sprinted over to him.

“Hell yes!” You cheered, hugging Wednesday’s younger brother. “Let’s go!"

It was your chance to escape.

[irisbleufic]

Part 15 of Caldera; 3 out of 4 chapters posted. Daniel and Armand have been back in New York for about a week since Daniel’s daughters showed up, the fledglings have been back in Boston for just as long, and they’ve all been hesitant to bring any of the Talamasca shit back up for fear of ruining an idyllic respite. Daniel and Armand take Paige to meet the fledglings, and then the five of them fly to Miami as a trial run before anyone commits to the impending London move, because I guess it's better to potentially fuck up a social dynamic on your own side of the pond first?

That, That Was You (2024-09-20)

Burning Darkness (2024-09-21)

You, You I Choose (NEW, 2024-09-22)

TEASER:

Paige returns from checking out the coffins, grinning.  “If you write another book, you have got to include this shit.  Mile High Club, Coffin Edition!”

Ricky stares at Paige with a mix of awe and annoyance.  “This isn’t really a plot twist, but you really are the same kind of freak as Dad, huh?”

“Says the lady who turned down Louis de Pointe du Lac’s millions in favor of fangs,” Paige shoots back.  “You wanted it.  Wanted it bad.”

Ricky shrugs.  “We’re not discussing me, are we?  We’re discussing how fetishizing vamps is hereditary with you and yours.  Fascinating.”

“Oh, you have no idea how much more fascinating I can be,” Paige says, flashing her teeth.  “You say hereditary like it’s a death sentence.”

“It kind of is,” Daniel cuts in while Armand tries to hide his laughter again.  “Can everyone please shut up?  Five minutes, that’s all I ask.”

[ryuto12]

Sometimes I wonder what the Belladonna's were up to before Blake was born

Cause like, we're only 80 years past the remnant equivalent of World War I and the American Civil War. WBY were all born in 63 post-war, Ruby in 65.

We also know that after the war there was a faunus revolution. Now the Belladonna's were probably like 20's-early thirties when Blake was born which has them being born 30-40 post war.

And either before Blake was born or in her early years Ghira became High Leader of the White Fang, who believed in talking out disputes and overall was a peace advocate.

Now is Chieftain of Menagerie a hereditary thing? An elected position? Who knows. And while we know that High Leader isn't hereditary, Adam's brief takeover isn't exactly how it usually went. It kinda seemed like a popularity system of whose beliefs were most liked, as Ghira's peace talks gradually faded into Sienna's unwillingness to take the abuses they faced to Adam's full-blown terrorism.

We also know the White Fang was freshly established after the revolution and it's entirely possible Ghira was its first High Leader, coming in straight from a conflict with the need for peace. The White Fang was built on the back of a war and with how well Ghira and Kali were shown to fight it's not out of the question that they were active participants in the revolution.

anyways case and point: that's my theory about what the Belladonna's were up to before Blake was born, they were absolutely active participants in the revolution and while Im here I might as well say I think Sienna was too and it's why she didn't condone Adam's more wild shit because she wanted equality, not another war

[iamafanofcartoons]

RWBY Analysis: semblances reflect a major struggle within the character

-Hazel's Numbing Agent to repress pain doesn't work to block out the emotional pain of losing Gretchen, nor does it stop him from taking damage especially via his self-inflicted Dust wounds, paralleling the self destructive choice to side with Salem

-Tyrian disrupts Aura just as he disrupts order 

 -Neo's Semblance allows her to appear like other people, as she has always struggled with her sense of identity... Neo's semblance is a direct link to neglect and underdevelopment. Being isolated most of her youth she began making her own "friends"  in the form of imaginary ones. As she had an undeveloped voice box her semblance took a "mime-like" approach where she voiced herself through it.

-Neptune's Semblance allows him to manipulate his biggest fear, water, but he is letting that fear consume him rather than taking control 

-Mettle puts Ironwood into a tunnel-vision mindset to achieve his goals no matter what, reflecting his "I know what's best" downfall

-Harriet's speed reflects her acting irrationally, and sometimes too quick for her own good, automatically taking orders at face value without taking the time to consider their consequences, opposite Marrow who would opt to slow down, akin to his Semblance

-Maria's Preflexes allow her to 'see it coming', only for her to lose her actual seeing ability 

 -Marcus Black put an end to Semblances, much like he would put ends to lives, only for his own life to be ended by Mercury, who he also ended the Semblance of

-Sienna's Grudge makes things go better for her when things go poorly for those around her, reflecting her desire to improve the White Fang by being more violent

-Fox's Semblance lets him create a private communication with the rest of CFVY, letting him find a connection to this new family after losing all of his old one

-Nora's ability to power up via lightning strikes reflects on how she acts bubbly around everyone else, but much like the recoil damage the lightning does, she's very insecure and a bit self-destructively impulsive (in that she's VERY willing to jump into danger) underneath.

-Ruby breaks herself apart in order to move as fast as possible and carry others

-Weiss's is hereditary and represents her struggle asserting her own identity

-Blake leaves behind versions of herself while attempting to dodge the pain, and reflects her fear of others getting hurt in her stead 

 -Yang has to endure pain and take hits in order to come back stronger, reflecting how she's had to carry the burden of her family since childhood

-Pyrrha attracts others but at the same time can't get close to anyone (they always keep a bit of a distance) 

 -Ren represses his feelings

-Jaune had to accept not being the hero but being a support character that lifts others up instead

-Adam lets others get hurt for his own gain 

 -Qrow loves others but his history won't let him get too close with them 

 -Meanwhile Raven has the opportunity to be with loved ones at any time, but chooses not to when it's practically screaming at her to do so

-Emerald sees things that aren't there (Thinking Cinder loves her) 

 -Cinder was put under so much pressure and was re-molded into a deadly weapon... Cinder's being called "scorching caress" as a reference to how the people who were supposed to love her only brought her pain

www.twitter.com/littleferret22/status/1679618185467686912

www.twitter.com/MikeMartyLOVEY1/status/1679648904164392960

[jellymeduza]

1250 followers gift - take a peek at my medievalish fantasy game (part 5/?)

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

After a break, we move on to the Magic household, or actually both of them. Elders and their children live separatedly.

On this lot live two elderly couples: Baltazar and Salamandra, and Gargamel and Hogata.

I use @midgethetree's edit of aging controller, so witches live longer than regular Sims.

I also use hereditary supernaturalism, so children inherit powers when they age to teens.

Going left to right:

Gargamel is Hogata's husband and father of Janka, Barbara and Łucja (or Lucy, I can't make up my mind about translating this name). He is evil wizard. His personality is 6/5/3/9/2 and his aspiration is fortune.

Salamandra is Baltazar's wife and mother of Eugene Magic (the wizard at the court of the Dariuses). She is good witch and works in alchemy (a.k.a. science). Her personality is 5/8/6/3/3. Her aspiration is knowledge.

Hogata is Gargamel's wife and mother of anka, Barbara and Łucja/Lucy. She is neutral witch. Her personality is 5/8/6/3/3. Her aspiration is knowledge.

Baltazar is Salamandra's husband and father of Eugene Magic. He's evil wizard. His personality is 4/7/8/3/3 and his aspiration is fortune.

Turquoise (on Baltazar's shoulder) is their dragon pet.

The second Magic household is much more crowded. It is inhabited by three sisters and their children.

The sisters run a magic shop, where they sell potions, cures and magic artefacts.

Left to right:

Łucja (Lucy) is the youngest daughter of Gargamel and Hogata. Even though, she is Eugene's wife, they live apart. They have three kids: Alice, Merlin (red-head boy with short hair) and Magus (red-head boy with long hair). She is infallibly good witch with her magic skills maxed out. She's got great relationship with Janka but doesn't get along with Barbara. She's got 10 points in logic and 5 both in creativity and cleaning. Her personality is 4/10/4/4/3, socially awkward, family-oriented, workaholic, virtuoso. Her favourite colour is white. Her first personality is knowledge and secondary is family.

The boy sitting in front of Łucja is her nephew, Arthur. He is son of Janka and Caligula, and elder twin of Octavian. He's also a half-sibling of his cousin, Arcadius (weird family relationships, let's go!). His personality is 10/10/1/8/0, snob, loves to swim, hates the outdoors.

Alice is the eldest child of Łucja and Eugene. She is a teenager who only recently unlocked her powers. She's learning magic and once she's old enough she will study at the magic university - Artes Magicae. She reached her rebellious teen phase as she fears casting good spells. xD Her personality is 7/4/9/8/1, hates the outdoors, love to swim, family-oriented, absent-minded. Her favourite colour is blue. Her aspiration is knowledge.

Merlin is the younger twin of Magus (yes, there are two sets of twins in this family. No, it wasn't on purpose) and the youngest child of Łucja and Eugene. His personality is 4/10/10/2/9, night owl, family-oriented, loves the outdoors.

Next to Merlin, his elder twin Magus is playing with a cat, Fang. Magus' personality is 4/5/6/10/10, brave, artistic, heavy sleeper.

Janka is the eldest daughter of Gargamel and Hogata. She is a mother of Arthur and Octavian. She's a neutral witch. She had a brief affair with Caligula Claudius, which resulted in twin pregnancy. Of course at the same time her sister Barbara had an affair with Caligula as well, bruh. Anyway, Janka gets along with both of her sisters. She works in medicine and is a licenced physician. She's got 6 points of cooking skill, 7 points of both mechanical and cleaning, 10 points of body skill. Her personality is 2/8/2/6/7, adventurous, workaholic, bookworm, kleptomaniac, artistic. Her favourite colour is brown. Her aspiration is knowledge.

The boy hanging on the chandelier is Octavian, younger twin of Arthur. He is son of Janka and Caligula, and half-sibling of his cousin Arcadius. His personality is 5/7/4/8/10, artistic, ambitious, genius.

Then we've got Arcadius, son of Barbara and Caligula. He spent his infancy and early toddlerhood living with his maternal grandparents, only then Barbara took care of her son. Like his half-siblings, he doesn't know they are so closely related. His personality is 4/9/9/8/5, heavy sleeper, bookworm, good sense of humor.

Barbara is the middle daughter of Gargamel and Hogata. She is a mother of Arcadius. She's an atrociously evil witch and has a familar cat called Fang. She had a brief affair with Caligula Claudius. She works in entertainment. She's got 6 points of mechanical skill, 7 points of creativity, 8 points of cleaning and 10 points of body skill. Her personality is 7/5/9/3/1, over-emotional, loves the outdoors, heavy sleeper, supernatural fan, socially awkward. Her favourite colour is black. Her aspiration is knowledge.

Fang is mid between genius and doofus, mid between lazy and hyper, independent, cowardly and mid pigpen between finicky.

Next up, the Monks!

part 6 | part 7 | part 8

[ffxiv-f13ndish]

Old Foes and New

collab drabble w/ @ro-valerius [Tofu, Nhagi] ! Credit to @ro-valerius for gpose !

Regardless of what Tofu had told him some time ago about staying out of his business, Virgil made Tofu’s business his own business. The pieces were coming together as he tracked down Tuturoko’s men — not quite attacking, but taking notes from the shadows. Some figures in the shadows were becoming quite familiar.

For instance, he knew he was being followed now. Virgil gave no time to address as he flipped the pages in his book and summoned forth his carbuncle and brought up a shield around himself.

The woman kept to the shadows, smirking under her mask as she lifted one hand, fingertips pointed downwards as if holding on to a puppet by its strings. From the shadows around her sprang forth a swarm of inky dark wolves, each snapping and snarling as they rushed towards the elezen. The woman, however, remained content to remain where she was, even going so far as to sink further into the darkness; she wanted to watch, but not get involved. 

Virgil gave a sigh through his nose. What a nuisance. And here he was hoping to get home in time for a night-time tea. With the close proximity of the wolves, Virgil had to act fast. He didn’t have time to consider the repercussions of straining his aether as the pages of his book flipped and he summoned up Garuda-egi. With a swift move of his hand, he cast an attack which dispersed among the crowd of wolves.

“How appropriate, fighting from the shadows. Your cowardice is reminiscent of whom you serve. Perhaps it is hereditary, beast manipulator?” Virgil said through clenched teeth. He emitted a growl as the maw of a wolf sunk into his wrist, which he counterattacked with a quick cast of painflare. 

The woman laughed at his words, striding forward just enough for him to see her appearance. 

“Oh, you filthy man, I am not afraid of you. We are of the void, are we not? At least, you attempt to be, while I became one with it,” she said, recalling what Tuturoko had told her about her quarry. She allowed a small amount of void magic to ripple around her, more as a show than anything of import. The elezen had taken some of her pets, but she could summon more. And so she did. 

A wolf crept around Virgil’s right, noting the blindness in that eye and looking to take advantage of it. It kept low and quiet as it geared up to lunge, but its fangs met not the neck they were aimed for, instead biting down on the arm of a viera with fury in his eyes. 

“Void or not, woman, you should be afraid,” Tofu growled. The woman scoffed, a frown of irritation on her lips. 

“I am not meant to fight you, yet, rabbit. If you survive these, we’ll meet again,” she said, summoning more wolves and fading away into the shadows. 

Virgil gave Tofu a glance. So it seemed he made it out of bed rest, miraculously. He wondered how long that would last. His eyes fell to Tofu’s arm, a faint scoff sounding from him upon seeing the wound left from the bite of the wolf.

“The one day you neglect to put those damned gauntlets on, you decide to stick your arm into a wolf’s maw for me. I suggest you go back to bed rest, not because your health is ailing, but because you are ill in the head,” Virgil couldn’t help but chide Tofu as he geared himself up for the swarm.

With a labored breath, he brought forth Ifrit-egi, unleashing the flames of its wrath among the wolves to his left.

“You’re one to talk about bed rest, corpse, and I’ll have you know that I didn’t neglect them, they got…damaged and I can’t wear them anymore, I just forgot since I’m used to having them…” Tofu grumbled, cutting open the wolf still latched to his arm and giving a tilt of his head when it evaporated into smoke. 

“Good news, these things seem less…hearty than real wolves, bad news, there are a lot of them.” 

“Stop talking,” Virgil said through gritted teeth. 

Tofu shrugged and ducked forward quickly, dodging fang and claw as he tore through three wolves in one movement, turning on his heel to face two more as they lunged towards him. He kicked the feet out from under one of them, using his new lowered position to swing his knife up and under the second before spinning on his hand to catch the one he had dropped with his other knife. 

He glanced around; he had just taken care of six, Virgil had gotten a handful, and there were…from his count, ten left. 

Ten left, and Virgil was getting tired. Tired of seeing others obtain what he had failed to achieve, and certainly quite tired of getting saved by another viera. With Ifrit-egi still at the ready at his side, he projected another attack — only for the quick-learning wolves to move out of the blast. 

“Allow me this favor. If I do expire, do not allow Dante to take my eyes,” Virgil growled as he stumbled back, a wolf pouncing towards him head on. The pages turned, and he shot a charge of aether at the oncoming wolf to drain its energy — hopefully, it won’t tear off his face with so much vigor. 

“Like hells are you expiring today, Virgil! Lament and Kore would wring my neck if I let that happen!” Tofu said as he rushed the wolf that had geared up to attack the elezen. With one hand, he swiped his knife across the beast, and with his other, he tossed a small vial at Virgil. “Fiora thought you might need this, and I’m inclined to agree!” 

“Either way, they’ll wring your neck for being here,” Virgil huffed as he staggered back against a wall. He prepared to face the wolf, only for Tofu to quickly dispose of it — much quicker than he expected of him, really. He caught the vial, narrowly avoiding dropping it as his hands struggled to keep together. Before it had the chance to slip through his palms, he quickly downed the potion. The sweet punch of it was almost enough to invigorate him alone. However, Virgil needed a moment to catch his breath-

Three wolves snarled and charged as the rest circled around for an opportune moment. Tofu caught one in the jaw with his boot, surprised that even that was enough to undo the creature, and dug his knives into the other two as they closed in. 

-And it seemed Tofu was making good use of that moment. It seemed Virgil was wrong about Tofu. 

Virgil peeled away from the wall. As a wolf came up behind Tofu, he shot it with a quick Ruin spell. 

“Shame my aim is impeccable. Maybe I would have caught you with a proper spell this time,” Virgil jested. He stood up straight as he surveyed what was left. 

“Yeah yeah, you’re so powerful, hey can we get rid of these first, then you can make fun of me?” Tofu called over his shoulder with a quick smile to signify his own jest. Neither of them were very good at joking, but somehow they understood each others’ intent. 

There were five wolves left, and they branched off, two going for Virgil and three gunning for Tofu. Really, they should have all gone for one or the other, but, well, beasts were still beasts, after all. 

Tofu flitted through quickly, knife flashing in the light cast by the torches as he dispensed of two of the three wolves on him with ease. The last one moved out of the way, circling around and leaping from behind, catching Tofu in the shoulder with its teeth for a brief moment before his knife buried into its skull. As the last wolf on him came undone, he checked on how Virgil was faring.

Virgil made quick work of the two wolves that bounded his way with the help of Garuda-egi’s aerial blast. One wolf disposed of into the winds, the other hurled towards him – which Virgil finished off with a potent Ruin spell. 

Despite drinking his potion, Virgil was exhausted. He tried not to show it in his expression as he straightened up. 

“Pathetic,” Virgil spat, eyes narrowed as he stared off into the depths of the shadows, where their attacker had disappeared. 

“Her attack tonight only confirmed my suspicions. It seems your work pertaining to the Basilisks is not quite finished, Tofu,” Virgil dryly explained, leaning up against a wall to keep himself steady as he gathered himself once more. 

Tofu gave an almost curious tilt of his head, but his expression wasn't in it. Based on the colour of the woman's hair, her vocal mannerisms, and the facial markings he could barely catch sight of, he could tie this woman to the mage from before, but he had no idea what tied them to the Basilisks. 

“Do elaborate what you mean by that, Virgil. What ties that woman to the pirates?” he inquired, casting a glance around to ensure the danger was fully passed for the time being. 

Virgil gave Tofu an incredulous, stone cold stare – as if he were reprimanding Tofu for not recognizing something so obvious. Nevermind the fact that the information that Virgil had so scrupulously investigated was not as obvious as Virgil perceived it to be; to Virgil, what he knew should be common sense. 

“Next time you involve yourself in another inane revenge scheme, I suggest that you take great care to discard a target which has no familial or platonic ties — or one who has dissolved them,” Virgil said as he stood upright once more. “The beast puppeteer – of whom you had the delight of facing her creatures tonight – was the sister of the mage your pack had eliminated on the ship. There are quite a few stray frays that remain of the rope which tied you all to the Basilisks. I gather it is only a matter of time before they all weave together into a much more formidable beast with the men which seek to destroy you.”

There was a brief silence hanging in the air before a confused “She had another sister, and that one was on the ship?” Another brief silence followed. “All three of them were mages of some caliber?”

Nonetheless, Tofu squared his shoulders and met Virgil’s gaze evenly.

“Whatever comes for me, it will be destroyed. Whatever comes for my family, my friends, my dear ones, will be destroyed before it can do harm,” he said with determination. 

“Ah, yes. People can have siblings, which may be inclined to practice the same thing, yes,” Virgil flatly confirmed. His head tilted to one side in thought. “The thought to consider this does not please me, but if we are dealing with a mage well practiced in the art of manipulating voidsent creatures – we may have to involve someone I know who is quite… familiar… with voidsents.”

Tofu did another quick survey of the area before turning a half glance to Virgil, looking the elezen up and down before returning to a vigilant watch. 

“I have fought many a voidsent in my time, comes with the whole…Scion and Warrior of Light territory, I believe. I can handle it,” he said, keeping an air of confidence in his tone as he once more looked sidelong at Virgil. “I do note that ‘we’. This has nothing to do with you, are you involving yourself due to the void nature of that woman? What do you hope to gain?”

Virgil’s gaze fell on the injuries which Tofu had received during his feats to defend him. He gave a vexed sigh through his nose and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Instead of accepting that your actions to handle things on your own are selfish, I advise that you put more effort into accepting the help. It’ll only make you stronger, believe it or not. You have potential, but you tarnish any efforts to temper it by setting yourself back continuously. You are by no means stupid or useless, I know that much. But the actions you choose, based on the familiarity of it to your past... those are stupid decisions,” Virgil icily remarked, stepping closer as he held his gaze firm to Tofu’s. “The mage came to target me, regardless if it had to do with you. I’m involved now. Remember that.”

Tofu averted his gaze.

“These people… are my demons to face. But I cannot deny that you are right in that she clearly marked you as her prey this time. For what reason, I can’t say, but I suppose as much as I hate it, you are involved. Fine. But no one else. I don’t trust outside of the circle I know. If we need a voice on voidsent…we can ask my sister. Seems that thing’s been talking to her recently, alarming as that is, but it gives her information on the void,” he said, turning his eyes back to Virgil to convey his determination. 

“I understand that. And I don’t care.” Virgil studied Tofu’s expression. His head tilted in the other direction in consideration of Tofu’s sister being involved, attention piqued by the information shared on her.

“That will be necessary. Perhaps it can bring more insight on what this woman is capable of. It might be all we get before I can dissect her myself,” Virgil hummed, holding the crook of his index finger to his bottom lip in thought. “The creature within her… it is not the only voidsent that may be of assistance.”

Virgil paused, reluctant to speak of what he wanted to say next.

“I may… have had one success in my feats to create an evolved hybrid of a voidsent,” he said, after a hefty pause. Tofu shook his head.

“I already said no more. I can’t give that rat more targets to use against me than he already has,” he said stubbornly. Even he knew he could only spread himself so thin. He was already worn out from decades of that man… “I have to end this, and soon…”

“The more targets he has, the less he can focus his attacks. And frankly, it would be convenient for the both of us if this target is disposed of,” Virgil said, making a motion for Tofu to follow him as he began to walk. “For context, that is a joke. But if you intend on ending this sooner, you won’t make any progress alone – as I had already said. Or shall I have to hammer it into your head again? With an actual hammer? At least hear my considerations before you start wallowing and brooding.”

“You don’t know how Tuturoko operates,” Tofu said as he started after Virgil. “He doesn’t attack everyone he knows he can target, he picks who he can corner alone and uses them as bait to lure me out. And if I don’t… If I don’t come for them, he’ll just kill them outright - they’ll have lost their importance. He doesn’t care about anything else, he just wants me dead.” There was a brief silence before he spoke again, his voice soft. “And I have no idea why…”

“Perhaps not. But I do know how some of his men do,” Virgil said, reaching into his coat pocket to grab that infamous journal of his. “I have neglected to obtain all of who is involved, but there is a good chunk in there. Frankly, when I heard about the dealings with this new mage of theirs, I had to switch gears.” He handed Tofu the journal to look through.

“Good news, I know why you’re being targeted now. Stuck your nose in when I told you not to- Okay fine,” Tofu started, but clamped his mouth shut at a look from Virgil.

“It is difficult to be cornered when you know how to get out of a corner. I’m not saying it is foolproof, but having a set tactic may help us…” Virgil trailed off for a moment, taking a glance around at his surroundings. 

“We should not be discussing these matters outside. Let us retire to a home to speak further. There is much to be shared and planned.”

[ask-egonspengler]

why do you have abnormally long/sharp canine teeth? most of the pictures of you smiling, i notice that they're longer than the average canines.

I’m just lucky, I guess.

They’re hereditary; all Spenglers have fangs like mine to some degree. I think they’re one of my best features.

[lestcat-de-lioncourt]

Annual reminder I have hereditary fangs. It's a real genetic thing (thankfully, as I can not afford dental cosmetics, lmao. I say thankfully, but it interferes with body temp and weight, I love the sunlight, it does not love me, and it hurts, and I get burned easily), yes. My child has them, my brother, my mother, and I can't say for those before as granny nor grandad had their teeth, and I have been told our great grandmother had them too.

I don't know if that correlates to my iron deficiency and need for it. I used to lick iron or steel door handles as a kid to get the taste, prior to knowing that is, an unhygienic thing to do due to their multiple usages per day with uncleaned hands, and so my family gave me meat and pigs fat, chicken, as much as I requested in order to stop it. Never beef, particularly, or anything, only chicken and pork.

Little bit of wacky macabre and frightful info, people, friends, lovers, have on reoccurring occasions invited me to bite them, and I will warn, if I do, it's not as dull as the regular bite, it's incredibly sharp, it hurts vigorously, it will welt for a week after.

My own mother blamed her inability to continue vegetarianism throughout pregnancy, was because her cravings had her needing bacon, again.

I don't know if this goes in common with iron deficiency or the teeth, but, yeah! The only day of the year I'm not fretful to talk about it, so I have.

I don't have much knowledge with hospitals prior to 20 years of being a victim of the anti vaccine epidemic. I am, thankfully, fully vaccinated now.

[angrypaperearthquake-tbbb-main]

Yona of the Dawn: Chapter 187 ~ My Favorite Bits (SPOILERS)

I love Shin-Ah’s passive aggressiveness, while the other two are just, well, aggressive 🤣 

Zeno over there like, yeah, I’m too old for this

CHIBI HEADS

FANGS

Bruh... That had to hurt, just a little bit, right???

She is calling him OUT like the betrayer he is 😤

BROMANCE ALERT 🚨🚨🚨

Lol, weirdo 😂

He’s always thinking about her welfare 😭

Her powers of observation are on point 👌🏻

Still trying to figure out what is shocking her here, because there are soooo many things it could be... Yon-Hi dead? Su-Won illness? Illness is deadly? Not seeing the dragons? Not seeing Hak? Will she get the illness (hereditary)?

I do think it’s interesting in this moment that her thoughts are “Su-Won will die” and not “Hak will die if this gets out”. The shock must have been huge to override her feelings for Hak.

Yona 🥺

Awwwwwwww 😭

MY HEART 💔

STOP IT. THAT HURTS.

[free-for-all-fics]

Final part of the Modern Rockstar Lioncourt Saga Prompt! Again, special thanks to @une-lueur-dans-la-nuit for adding the French! Pls tag me if you’re inspired by any of this and I’d love to read it! ❤️🩸🎸

“Lestat and I have decided to start this vlog uh, so that we can answer some questions about being a vampire. Hi, my name’s Y/N Lioncourt. You guys probably recognize me from my band, The Vampire Lestat. As you probably already know, I’m a vampire. Um… I’m eternally 26 years old, um… I’ve got to suck peoples’ blood until just before they die to survive, as does the rest of my family. My brother's a vampire, my mother’s a vampire. It’s…hereditary.”

“Sister, come on, I’m trying to watch this figure skating. Can you settle it down?”

“Lestat, you’re still watching figure skating?”

“Yes, it’s very graceful, sister, you should get into it. Calm and soothing, relaxing…”

“All right, Lestat. I’m trying to do my vlog.”

“Tu as besoin de le faire ici?” (Do you have to do it here?)

“Lestat! This is the only place I’m allowed to have my computer!”

“Oh! C’est mon moment préféré! (It’s my favorite part!) My favorite part! Look!” Lestat points at the screen. “He just lifted her up and put her down!”

“Okay, listen, watch your figure skating, I’m getting back to this, okay? The thing that really, really sucks is that people don’t really know much about vampires. Lestat and I are always having to answer stupid questions like, you know, like, ‘does your family celebrate Christmas?’ and yes, once and for all, we celebrate Christmas. Lestat, qu’est-ce que l’on fait pour Noël?” (what do we do at Christmas?)

“We drink eggnog-infused blood…”

“That’s when we get humans soooo drunk on eggnog. There’s rum in that. That’s what eggnog is. It’s like basically what you make mayonnaise out of and rum. How much eggnog-infused blood did you have that one Christmas, Lestat?”

“I don’t know. Like…18 adult humans’ worth or something? I fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did! Eggnog’s strong! You can’t just have 18 adult humans’ worth of eggnog-infused blood, Lestat! You can’t keep bringing humans over to our house every Christmas and have them drink all the eggnog!”

“I didn’t know that at the time. Oops.”

“Lestat!”

“What?”

“What do we play at Christmas?”

“We like to play Gargoyle.”

“I’m really good at it.”

“She’s the best gargoyle! Elle est incroyable!” (She is incredible!)

“Should I…should I do it?”

“You wanna do it? Show them your gargoyle!”

“All right. Ahhh I don’t know! So at Christmas, we go up on top of the roof of a church, we watch people go in and out and we play gargoyle and I always win. Here’s my gargoyle.” You lift your hands up like a cat with claws out and make a face, baring your fangs and sticking your tongue out a little.

Lestat starts wheezing.

“But you have to stay like that for like, two hours! Right?”

“Two to three hours sometimes!”

“Because when the people come back out, you can’t like, you can’t move because then they’ll know what you’re doing.”

“No, no, they’ll know you’re a real person! And not a gargoyle!”

“Exactly!”

“And my favorite is, you know, what churches nowadays have gargoyles?” Lestat bursts out laughing.

“Yeah, exactly! Fucking idiots!”

“Hey, hey!”

“What?”

“Someone has a question for you!”

“Okay?”

“Let me read it: ‘You guys are vampires and stuff, do you turn into bats?’”

“I don’t think we’ve ever tried…”

“Why don’t you try first?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah!”

You squeeze your eyes shut and try to concentrate really hard.

Lestat laughs. “Looks like you're taking a shit!”

“Hold on!” You grunt and hold up a finger. You open your eyes. “Am I bat?”

“No. You’re still you.”

“No, I cannot turn into a bat. I really tried.”

“I knew that. I just wanted to see what you’d do.”

“I hate you. I actually really, really just tried.”

“Well, that’s boring! How old are you?”

“I’m 256. You know that!”

“Yeah, but the viewers didn’t! Okay. But wait, what— what’s— what’s like— what’s up? What’s up?” Lestat’s head falls on the counter. His head snaps back up a few seconds later. “No, I feel fine! Let’s go out! Let’s go to um, Jack in the Box! Do you know what I wish for?”

“What?”

“I wish Santa would come early this year and give me like all kinds of shoes and tops and cell phones and blood types…”

“Oh my god, Lestat, did you dip into the eggnog-infused blood early?”

“Maybe… Merry Christmas, little girl! I got you a puppy! Mojo! Come here! Mojo!”

“Lestat, you already got me the puppy… We’re doing our vlog. You came over to do our vlog.”

“Sister, let me show you what our graphic designers just made for the tour! Look at this!” He holds out black t-shirts with your and his face on it that say ‘Bite Me’ on the front with the tour dates on the back.

You gasp. “LESTAT! What are you doing?”

“I think it’s very creative!”

“That’s our picture!”

“I know! Not only that, they come in different colors! Look at that!” He holds out a gray one.

“Lestat! What?! Il est en train de devenir fou.” (He is getting crazy.)

“And in different sizes! This gray one is a small…”

“You’re trying to torture me!”

“Sister, here’s an extra large for you to give to your friend, Juliette.”

“Did you just call Juliette fat? I told you we can’t call her that anymore. People say it’s offensive.”

“Not fat. Extra large.”

“Oh. Then it’s okay.”

“Look, It’s like you or I are saying, ‘bite me’ on peoples’ tits!” Lestat laughs as he holds a shirt up against his chest, “that’s funny! Juliette has got to hang out with us more! I like her sense of humor! I’m gonna go suck the blood out of some people!”

~

“Hey, guys. Lestat and I are in our dressing room, just getting ready for the show. Lestat is in the other room. I know you can’t see him, but you don’t need vampire hearing to hear him practicing his vocal warmups. He takes eons to get ready. I thought I was a perfectionist, but he gives the word a new meaning. When I last saw him, he had finally picked out an outfit and was dressed so, unless he’s changed his mind for the hundredth time on what he’s going to wear, I don’t know what he’s doing. Qu’est-ce que tu fais, Lestat?” (What are you doing, Lestat?)

No response. He just continues with his vocal warmups.

“He’s probably perming his hair, painting his nails, or bleaching his eyebrows to match his five o’ clock shadow. I’m just about done, just putting on the finishing touches, like my jewelry. Luckily I had my ears pierced in Paris while I was still human, so I don’t need to use clip-ons, unlike Lestat. Ha! But you know what every rockstar needs? A tattoo! But as vampires, our skin is like marble and can’t be penetrated with needles. The tattoo machines just break upon contact. Even if they could penetrate the skin, the ink would just disappear. So I had Juliette, our Personal Assistant, go out and buy a bunch of temporary tattoos in bulk. I gave her my card and told her to go from store to store and just get whatever, buy the store’s entire stock if she had to, and Lestat and I would choose which ones we wanted from there. So hopefully she does not disappoint. I’ll be back once she gets here! J’ai tellement hâte!” (I can’t wait!)

“Hey guys, I’m back. So Juliette is here - say hi to the viewers, J!” You pan your phone camera over to her so she can be seen by your viewers.

“Hey everyone!”

You quickly move your phone camera back so it’s only you in the shot. “Okay, that's enough screen time. I know you’re like, camera shy or whatever. But look, she brought in all the temporary tattoos! She really did buy pretty much the entire stock of every craft and Halloween store in the vicinity. She came in holding like, what, four bags on each arm? There’s a lot of really cool ones in here. I chose this really cool sleeve piece. It’s got flowers and this lady portrait, but looks kinda scary. Like a demon or something. And if you guys know me, you know I love things that are pretty but have a twist of horror or gore. It’s a large piece, so Juliette is going to help me apply it. Lestat is still deciding which tattoo he wants. Not sure what he’s going to pick. Probably a lion head and a crown for our family name and his overinflated ego. He’s a basic bitch. I’ll be the one to help him apply his tattoo, since he can be very anal about his appearance and tends to nitpick, but I know what he means when he tries to describe what he wants. I’m worried that if Juliette tries to do it, she’ll do it ‘wrong’ somehow and Lestat will get impatient, throw a tantrum and, I don’t know, bite her head off or something.”

From the background, unseen, Juliette yells, “Uh, yeah, I’d rather not!”

“Lestat and I have gone through so many assistants in the past decade alone. It’s so hard to find good help these days and Juliette’s grown on me - like a parasitic twin - but still I like her. And we had so much fun at my sleepover last weekend.” You raise your voice so Juliette will know you’re addressing her. “Did you have fun, J? Shock of the century: My friends love you. Adore! They said you’re super sweet, really funny, practically begging me to invite you again which I will, of course. Can’t let the girlies down. Are you free this Friday?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Okay, perfect, perfect. Come over to my place straight from work. Yeah. So we’re doing a dessert themed sleepover, which means you have to bring your favorite dessert for everyone to try - everyone that’s human, that is. And then I and my vampire besties get the pleasure of sampling the blood of the humans - not you, of course. You’re my bestie! Yeah, like a dessert buffet. So fun! And you have to wear cute pastel colored pajamas, okay? Do you have anything like that or are all your pajamas like Minecraft themed?”

“I don’t have pastels, no.”

“Okay, no worries, babes. You can borrow some of mine. I’ve got plenty. I’m picturing you in this like silky lavender top I’ve got. It’s gonna be darling on you! With…these fuzzy baby blue bottoms. Oh oui, tu seras tellement mignonne avec ça! (Oh yes, you will be so cute with this!) And then um, we’re gonna play Candyland. We’re gonna do face masks. We’re gonna watch Marie Antoinette. Sofia Coppola’s version, obviously. Yeah, it’s gonna be a blast!”

~

“Hey guys, welcome back to our YouTube channel. The Vampire Lestat here. That’s right, my name is Lestat de Lioncourt, and I'm a dead man. Well, kinda dead, at least. See, I'm a vampire. I’m lucky, though. I have my sister chérie, who saw beyond my fangs. She taught me my letters when we were human and, now vampires, showed me vampires aren’t monsters. Or at least, they don't have to be. And how my thinking was keeping me from finding any kind of peace. And come hell or high water, she was gonna prove it to me. After our family passed on and we went our separate ways from Gabrielle, our mother, in Egypt, we roamed America for 100 or so years, figuring out ourselves and what it means to be a vampire, and we found revelation, our calling: To be rockstars! Now, if you think that means all that Dracula nonsense like hissing, wearing skin-tight leather, and hunting humans for sport, I wouldn't blame you one bit. That's exactly the sort of thing I’m doing now with my bandmates and my sister, and let me tell you, a vampire who's got a strong stage presence can be a real terror. Anyhoo, I have a story to tell you. It's about something that happened to me. It begins in Miami, in the year 1987, and I really want to start right there. As the world started getting smaller, more vampires tracked me down. Them being my kin, I wanted to help them see the world like I did, but they still had the same monster mindset I used to have. We were on tour from Miami to Death Valley the next night but figured we should make a pit stop to Santa Carla and check things out there. We landed in Santa Carla and arranged transportation for our coffins. I became a graffiti artist—”

“Just that the graffiti were fan letters to Marius, asking him to get in touch—”

“Did some vampire sightseeing. They got a boardwalk there that was the hot spot for carnival rides, movies, music, drugs, tattoos, piercings, and sex, and an all-you-can-eat human buffet! It was infamous as the Murder Capital of the World! That only attracted more tourists, which meant more snacks for us. Apparently that place had been accepting of heathens like us for a long time! People there were eating and screwing like there was no tomorrow. People were up all night doing all kinds of kinky stuff. I’m more than a quarter of a millennium in years but those guys could give me some lessons - and did! Well, we stayed longer than anticipated and had an impromptu concert, met some fine folk, too…apparently they’ve got a nice art scene there. There was even local funding for video game development. Isn’t this some kinda world? I can’t believe people are still playing Star Invaders and whatnot! I liked it there! I didn’t even have to speak French! We went to a coffee shop and while Andy, Larry, and Tough Cookie ordered their coffees and pastries, my sister and I funneled in stoners from upstairs to a secret club and everyone had a fucking blast.”

“Until you decided that the best way to overcome your writer’s block and to create a work of art was to ‘open your mind to the infinite possibilities of what the cosmos had to offer’ and took LSD for ‘divine inspiration’. Except you thought being a vampire meant you needed to take more than an average human to feel its effects, and you accidentally took too much and tripped for more than eighteen hours. You hallucinated so hard that you believed yourself to have had a major revelation and went to both Heaven and Hell. Something about ghosts, television evangelists, some woman named Veronica, and, among other things, you believed that you had seen Christ's crucifixion and that he offered you his blood to drink. Then you had a full Lady Macbeth meltdown and washed your face at least 20 times in those 18 hours. You were scrubbing your face so hard, paranoid that the blood from your face wouldn’t come off. Your face was perfectly clean. You were scrubbing at nothing. Then you began fighting an invisible adversary, yelling something about a veil Christ gave you for safekeeping, and nearly took your left eye out, yelling about how the devil snatched it from you. I had to restrain you to stop you from tearing yourself apart. Then you began ugly crying, wailing about how I pulled you out of Hell and you were forced to leave your left eye behind. When I showed you your reflection in the mirror to prove to you that you still had both eyes, you started whooping and hollering that Maharet must’ve returned your eye to you, singing her praises. I had to force you to go the fuck to sleep in your coffin but you were stubborn and said that you would declare war on humans and vampires because you were curious about what would happen. And when I asked you where the hell you got that idea, you said that the fish people from Atlantis told you to do it. You’re supposed to be the older brother, the responsible one in our family, yet there I was, babysitting you. Tu es et a toujours été un enfant. Un enfant insupportable.” (You are and always have been a child. An insufferable child.)

“Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Not my finest night. I should’ve stuck with the weed like the four of you.”

“You missed out. It was sooo good. Gave us the munchies something fierce, though. I could’ve gone for some blood chips, extra sodium. Mmmmmm…”

“My sister and I drank from more necks in one week than I could count. While we were there, we found a fan who was the leader of a group of teenage vampires. Punk guy named David, supposed to have been almost a hundred years old. Super cool guy. Met his friends or ‘brothers’ that he sired and they were also very hot. We hung from train tracks, drank blood, got high, had sex, you know how it is. But now, in 2024, I got hooked up with this newfangled Internet thing…”

Trying not to laugh your ass off, you dramatically pantomime Lestat in the background, your voice so loud that you’re drowning him out. “‘Oh, mon dieu! Look at this! Louiis mon cher.... I found this internet place called redd it.... come, you must see this article.... c'est très important.... it says that les oiseaux are NOT réels?????? that they're government agents... comment dire.... spies??? and to think que tu manges these little monstres??? Louiiis you MUST stop eating them..... peut-être que the government poisoned Paul with these birds.... Louiiiiis you MUST promise me not to eat these nasty little créatures again.... mais non! c'est grave!!!!! CHERI arrête de rire and LISTEN TO ME.... they don't even have enough vitamins in their blôôd, louieie!!!!!!’”

“Can I tell my story or are you going to be an annoying little smartass the whole time?”

“I’m your little sister. It’s my job. Et quelqu’un doit s’assurer que ton égo ne te tue pas.” (And someone needs to make sure your ego doesn’t kill you.)

“Whatever. Anyway. David asked me, my sister, and my band to come out to Santa Carla, California to perform again. He said that everyone who was in the audience back in ‘87 was dead or moved away, so nobody would recognize us. So we were going on a trip, I guess. But it felt like the perfect opportunity to experience those highs again and to overindulge!”

“Because overindulging worked out so well for you last time.”

“Shut up!”

“I had to post to my Instagram story. Look.” You then read off your phone word-for-word what you wrote:

“‘I lost my fucking brother. His name is Lestat but he’s a bitch and keeps forgetting to charge his iPhone. I keep buying him chargers. Even got him a portable power bank and he somehow either loses them or forgets to charge those too. And even if his phone is charged, he still doesn’t respond to it most of the time and leaves me on read because he’s a bitch. But I love him and still want him back. Allez savoir pourquoi!’” (Who knows why!)

You tap to the next slide.

“‘We’re on tour right now, and we’re in Santa Carla, the murder capital of the world! After our concert on the boardwalk, we met up with our old friends David, Paul, Marko, and Dwayne and rode on our Harley Davidson motorbikes, got a bite to eat, and hung out at their place. They had a lot of cool stuff in there, (I might have to steal that vintage bass guitar and Jim Morrison poster if I can’t sweet talk or bribe my way into getting them).’”

You tap to the next slide.

“‘Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck they spiked the blood with, but I started getting buzzed. Lestat was much worse. He was high off his ass. I got the munchies and I ate so much Chinese food and drank so much blood that I passed out. I don’t know what the fuck happened but, when I woke up, the six of us were in a Walmart, surrounded by dead bodies and blood. Lestat was crying, screaming, shitting and pissing himself, throwing up, and eating his own vomit. The boys were either bouncing off the walls or zoning out. By the time the boys and I stuffed the bodies in the supply closet, Lestat was gone and now we don’t know where the fuck he is. $500 reward to anyone who can find him and get him to answer his fucking phone.’”

~

“Exciting announcement! Though, I’m pretty sure most of you would have guessed this was coming. Lestat and I get a ton of DMs from people who want to ask us questions and watch and listen to us answer them on our Instagram page or YouTube channel, so we’ve created our own Reddit thread! This is where you can submit questions, ask us for advice, share crazy stories, etc.! Don’t forget to upvote/downvote other participants! Stoked to read and answer your submissions! Doo Doo Doo. Oh! Here's somebody who just sent in like ten questions. Okay, question number one: ‘Do vampires ever injure themselves with their teeth?’” You show the camera your bruised and punctured arm. “Can you see that? You know what happened? Right here? It’s recommended that vampires brush after every meal or at least once a day because blood, if not washed and brushed away properly, gets stuck in the teeth and causes very, very bad smells. And humans and vampires alike will know the vampires who don’t brush their teeth because their breath absolutely stinks. Especially the ones that are quite partial to the garlic-infused blood or the nicotine-infused blood, you know, the gross people. So I was brushing my teeth earlier this morning before going to bed and the toothbrush slipped out. Um…you know how they can sometimes kinda get your gum a little bit with your toothbrush? For whatever reason I went this way and just bit right into my…into my arm. It’s kind of a…”

“You think that’s bad, I’ve had vampires do that to my cock. Et ça pique.” (And that stings.)

“Oh my god.” You scroll down, looking for more questions. “Oh my god! Lestat, so you already answered question number two which is: ‘When vampires give head, see question above.’” You look into the camera. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Lestat is looking at your phone screen from over your shoulder. “Wow, who is this guy? You gotta come over here. You and I can sit down and I can tell you a couple things.” He winks.

“Ugh. Please. Okay, let’s just… So uh, the next question is… ‘Dear Mademoiselle Lioncourt, is vampire sex better than regular sex?’ Being a woman from an aristocratic family in 18th century France, I didn’t have the freedom to just have sex with people before marriage. I only had one experience when I was human, but it was only because I was like sixteen or seventeen and being a rebellious girl. I didn’t agree with how my virginity or purity or whatever was placed on such a high pedestal, like it was an important part of my identity to sell me off to a man. I wanted to lose it and be done with it, so I only had one sexual experience in my human life. It was with some random boy in the village. I think he was a year or two older than me, and he was cute from what I remember, but I can’t recall his name. It got the job done, I guess, but it had to be kept secret, so it was very brief, like five minutes or less, and he didn’t even make me come. Never did get married in my human life so it didn’t really matter in the long run, but I guess the upside is that now, as a vampire, my skin down there doesn’t grow back and I’m not a virgin every single time I do it… So, um… The short answer to your question would be…I wouldn’t know.”

“I’ll tell them. It’s very simple. If you’re a vampire, you have four holes…”

“Oh, Lestat! No! Lestat, no! Lalalalala…” you plug your ears.

“Well, you know, they should know about vampire sex. It can be very dangerous. It’s not like what they do in that False Blood show, you know what I mean? It’s really…it’s not always fast and quick. Sometimes it takes seventeen weeks to have proper sex with someone. Mais ça en valait la peine.” (But it was worth it.)

“Oh my god! Really?”

“Yes! Good tantric vampire sex, baby.”

“Seventeen weeks… Who wants that??”

“I was with Louis once in the ozarks…six and a half months.”

“I don’t know if… I don’t know if I’m more grossed out by the six and a half months or the ozarks.”

“Ozarks are great. People up there are nice, they taste good, they’re healthy. And no one can hear them when they scream because they’re in the middle of nowhere. It’s a win-win situation, tu vois.” (you see.)

“Oh my god.”

“I gotta teach you some things, little sister.”

“Wait. I got another one. A good question.”

“What?”

“‘Since vampires have so long to live, their families can get really big, right? So what’s the biggest vampire family?’” You take a second to think about it. “Kardashians?”

“Kardashians.”

“Oh, and this question sorta ties into the last question: ‘Why are vampires so wealthy? How do they make a living?’ Well, other vampires might tell you that the average vampire has minimal contact with humanity. When exposed, they feed or run or kill themselves. But for Lestat and I, we’ve always been attracted to le feu des projecteurs! (the spotlight!) The bottomless inheritance Magnus left Lestat certainly helped create a nice little nest egg for us, and yes, naturally we stole from anyone and everyone we killed and fed on, but we still wanted to work. In our human lives, we started off working as stagehands, then became actors, performing on the stage. We were attracted to singers, dancers, music, and the arts. And so we continued doing that even after our transformations. Put on a grand show for the humans and then feed on our human scene partners after curtain fall. We did that for, what was it, two years?”

“Two years, yes. And then we founded the Théâtre Des Vampires in Paris with Armand.”

“And that was a huge success. That was our cash cow and main source of income for a very long time. But by the 100th year or so, we were beyond bored. So we left the Theatre and moved on. Then we rediscovered our love for music after coming across a human rock band that called themselves Satan’s Night Out.”

“They were playing in dingy bars and underground venues, but they had potential. They were just missing something. They needed us. So I became the lead singer.”

“And I became the bassist.”

“We renamed ourselves to The Vampire Lestat, in honor of yours truly.”

“Mon frère est narcissique, que voulez-vous.” (My brother is narcissistic, what can we do.)

“And we became a worldwide success. Almost overnight, you could say. And the money kept flowing and still flows to this day. And I’d say we’re multi-millionaires. Not quite a billion. Pas encore.” (Not yet.)

“It’s not about how you start, it’s all about knowing how to save and make good financial decisions.”

“I mean, if you’ve been around for hundreds or thousands of years and are still broke, just step into the sun.”

“Lestat, s’il te plaît.” (please.)

“Vampirism poses the question: ‘What if there was a fundamental, horrible, unending well of want in your soul that, if truly satisfied, would lead to great pain for all those you hold closest and, in turn, their absolute and total revilement of you?’ and naturally, as a person with no problems, I don't relate to this in any way at all. I’m not Louis. ‘Immortality sucks because all your friends die’. All your friends die anyway. Those we do not mourn are those who mourn us. ‘Immortality sucks because you forget who you are.’ We always forget who we are. Do you remember who you were at four years of age? Who you were at fourteen? ‘Who I am’ is a shadow cast on the wall. ‘Immortality sucks because…’ skill issue, skill issue, skill issue. Shut up and suck it up or go visit a vampire therapist. Stop being so melodramatic. Fuck.”

~

“And let’s address the elephant in the room. Yeah, we were entirely responsible for the epic triumph and tragedy during the almost-apocalypse back in 1985, after we presented ourselves to the world through our autobiographies and formation of a rock band, singing vampire secrets. It was the wrong place and the wrong time to give a live rock concert. How were we to know our songs would awaken Akasha, the Queen of the Damned, from her sleep, right? Whoops. That was our B.”

“And it was our B when you drank from her and I drank from Enkil when Marius wasn’t looking. He turned his back on us for like twenty seconds and we immediately made bad decisions.”

“If God wanted us to make decisions, he wouldn’t have made us bisexual. I mean French.”

“I’m bisexual. You’re a bisexual disaster. ‘Oh, join me in my search for the ancient vampire Marius,’ you said. ‘It’ll be a fun learning experience for us,” you said. Je ne sais pas pourquoi je t’ai écouté et pourquoi je t’écoute encore.” (I don’t know why I listened to you and why I still listen to you.)

“And it was! Their blood made us strong, allowed us to learn more gifts.”

“I mean…you’re not entirely wrong. But I just feel stupid for giving in and going along with it. Not that it would’ve mattered. Knowing you, you would’ve gone anyway. And knowing Akasha, she would’ve inevitably killed her husband no matter what.”

“If you think about it, her killing her husband spared you from the wrath of her violently jealous ancient king.”

“Whatever. Stay on track and answer the question.”

“Right. She killed her husband then kidnapped me and made me her consort while she embarked on a mass killing of vampires, finding them by listening to their thoughts. She killed countless weak fledglings as part of enacting her horrible plan to take over the world. But the silver lining was that the sex was incredible. La meilleure amante de tous les temps.” (The best lover of all times.)

“Is that seriously your main takeaway from that whole ordeal? You and every other man on the planet, mortal and immortal, would’ve died. So many of us almost did.”

“No, I don’t think Akasha would’ve killed me. She planned to kill only 90 percent of the world's human men, and to establish a new Eden in which women would worship her as a goddess. I probably would’ve been part of the lucky 10 percent. She saw the desirability of me as her consort.”

“Tu délires! (You’re delusional!) Did you not hear what I said? She literally drained her own husband of all of his blood to make herself the single progenitor of the vampire race and to be rid of him. She literally grew bored of the husband and consort she had for millennia. She definitely would’ve killed you as soon as she got bored.”

“Are you calling me boring, Sister? Oh, how you wound me. What can I say? Akasha just wanted to dominate and be worshiped, and have everyone obey her, no matter how many lives were lost. I loved her completely but did not fundamentally agree with her morality. I just didn’t vibe with her plans to be the new god of the world. Neither did you or any of the others.”

“No, we didn’t. We all refused to partake in Akasha's plan despite her vow to destroy all of us if we didn’t comply.”

“We were all duplicit in the destruction of Akasha, which led to her demise.”

“Her plan was so fucking dumb. It was insane. I mean, come on. She wanted us to be her followers as ‘angels’ in her New World Order. Et je suis une sainte, pas un ange.” (And I’m a saint, not an angel.)

“Yeah, that was fucking dumb. Oh, someone sent a question in the chat: ‘How many of you were there before Akasha woke up again and how many survived?’ I’m not sure the exact number of how many vampires there have been since Akasha went on her murder spree, but I wanna say, including us, around…twenty…vampires managed to survive her onslaught? Does that sound right?”

You and Lestat began to count on your fingers. “Well, let’s see. There were the twins Maharet and Mekare, me, you, Louis, our mother Gabrielle, Armand, Marius… Yeah, I think that’s right.“

“They were all either vampires that Lestat and I loved, old ones Akasha could not kill easily, or those she could not detect because they blocked their thoughts from her. Oh, another question: ‘If Akasha is dead, why aren’t all vampires dead too?’ Just before she could destroy us all, Mekare, whom no one has seen for 6,000 years, suddenly appeared in the room and charged at Akasha, shoving her into a glass wall, causing a large shard to decapitate her. Just as doom was spelled out for all vampires, Mekare came in clutch when she devoured both the brain and heart of Akasha, taking into herself the Sacred Core which contains the spirit of Amel. Successfully bonding with the Sacred Core, Mekare became the new queen of all vampires, while Akasha's body became a transparent shell. That whole adventure forced Lestat to do something so absurd it’s unspeakable, but I’m going to say it anyway. He had to…think of things and people other than himself for one of the first times in his long life. Je sais, je sais! (I know, I know!) I’m just as shocked as you are, viewers!”

“Je te déteste.” (I hate you.)

“The adventure changed him forever, forced him to begin fighting for a kind of redemption—though, as you can see, Lestat has remained his old, devilish self, reveling in his identity as the Brat Prince.”

~

“So we are gonna answer some more questions. ‘Are you related to any famous vampires and if not, have you met any?’

“Well, we are related to Marie-Madeleine Pinochet de La Vergne, Comtesse de La Fayette. We’re distant cousins or something. Her husband, François Motier, comte de La Fayette, disappeared from her life after the birth of their two sons and it was long supposed that he died about 1660. He ‘disappeared’ because she’s a vampire and she killed him when she fed on him.”

“That’s true and actually we just got online. We just got into ancestry.com. And we were looking back um, at a bunch of different uh… Comment on dit déjà?” (What’s the word again?)”

“It’s all gynecology.”

“No, it’s not.”

“We went on gynecology and tried to see where our family was from.”

“No, we didn’t. Lestat, s’il te plaît, tais-toi.” (please, shut up.)

“It’s a gynecological chart.”

“It’s not. It’s called genealogy.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Nope.”

“Gynecological.”

“Nope. That is— I know it’s a big word for you. Guys, Lestat, until just recently, didn't know what dialysis is. He thought it was a type of rotary phone or radio.”

“Can you tell me what a gynecologist is? I know that’s a word.”

“That’s a lady doctor, Lestat.”

“Who’s a lady doctor?”

“A gynecologist.”

“There’s lady doctors? What for?”

“All right. Fair enough. We’re on the gynecological website called ancestry.com and we were looking through our relatives and it turns out we are related to royalty. Just so you know. William the conqueror. Clovis the First. Charlemagne. Uh we go right back up to Edward the First. You know the Longshanks, the Plantagenets.”

“Lillian Russell. She was hot. On aurait dû en faire un vampire.” (We should have made her a vampire.)

~

“C’est quoi?” (What is that?)

“This new site. Getfanged.com. It’s like a social networking thing for vampires.”

“What is social networking? What - Do you become friends with them and then what? They talk to you?”

“Yeah… They’ll talk to you, but…”

“And they come to the house?”

“Oh, look at this guy. This guy looks delicious…”

“Ohhh, takeout, baby! I’m telling you, delivery! Does it give blood type?”

“No, Lestat, no! It’s like Facebook.”

“I don’t get that visage book, too many people tell me things I don’t care about.”

You laugh.

“You know? ‘I’m gonna go to the store with Kara to get eggs!’ I’m gonna make a fake account posing as a human and start saying I’m gonna go buy over the counter medication, I’m gonna go buy tampons… Maybe I can wolffish people.”

“Do you mean catfish? Lestat, don’t do that. Et pourquoi irais-tu acheter des tampons??” (And why would you go buy tampons??)

“Why not? It’d be fun. How come you won’t be my friend on Facebook anyway? I keep poking you and you won’t poke back.”

“Lestat, I can’t get onto Facebook and then friend my brother. I’m not even friends with Gabrielle.”

“Why not?”

“Because she’s our mother.”

“So? I’m friends with her. You should friend her and me.”

“But we’re family…”

“So what if we’re family?”

“I don’t want you or her looking on my page.”

“Why not? We’re just like everybody else! We’re cool, we’re hip! Look, I got this new leather jacket! Huh? Guy that was wearing it was delicious. So you’re gonna join this thing or what?”

“Ummmm…. I don’t know, yeah, I was thinking about it.”

“Any sexy broads on here? Maybe I can send them to Gabrielle to try. Je suis sûr qu’elle serait intéressée.” (I’m sure she would be interested.)

“Lestat!”

“You know, get a little naked…”

“Hello?! Lestat!”

“What?! You’re old enough now!”

“That’s our mother you’re talking about!”

“I know she is! And she had eight pregnancies, meaning at least eight separate occasions on which she never got to orgasm. Our father is long dead so she’s free to…what does the internet call it? Swear off men and have sex with butch lesbians? Live her immortal life in her girlboss era?”

“Lestat! Please shut up! I’m gonna go back to answering questions. So, ‘Dear Mademoiselle Lioncourt, how is your whole family— How-how are your whole— How is your whole family vampires?’ I don’t know what is grammatically correct there. But anyway. ‘How is your whole family vampires and what do you mean it’s ‘hereditary?’” You use air quotes on the last word. “Umm, so it’s not my whole family that’s vampires, it’s just Lestat and Gabrielle, the people I love and care about. Our father, our older brothers, our sister-in-laws and nieces and nephews… Everyone else is dead. Vraiment morts, Dieu merci. (Truly dead, thank god.) By hereditary, I mean it’s…hereditary. Magnus was a vampire who fed Lestat his blood and made him into a vampire, who in turn fed Gabrielle and I his blood, making us into vampires. Easy peasy fucking sleazy. Humans and vampires can actually have kids too. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean like, you know, so Lestat, you… Can I share this online?”

“Yeah, go ahead. Tell them. I have no shame about it.”

“Okay. So Lestat has a biological son, Viktor. He was created during the mid-90’s, we think. We can’t be sure of his exact date of birth.”

“I had encountered some vampire doctors or scientists. Vampires that were trained in and interested in the study of vampirism, running a lab for it and all these experiments.”

“They collected a biological sample—”

“Sperm. They collected a sperm sample from me with my full compliance. I didn’t even know I still had sperm, to be honest. HOWEVER, without my consent or knowledge, they used my sample to make Viktor! Like a test-tube baby. This baby had a mortal mother, but my DNA. Presumably the DNA needed a little tinkering to make it work.”

“We didn’t learn about his existence until he was like at least 20 years old or appeared to physically look 20 years old. He’s like a carbon copy of Lestat, just slightly taller. It’s kinda freaky. So technically Viktor is considered partially a clone of Lestat. It’s such a complicated situation. They tried to use him as some sort of pawn to shake up the vampiric matriarchy or something. But father and son got reunited, I got to meet my nephew, everyone was happy. But in general, it’s never a good idea for a vampire to marry or reproduce with a non-vampire, just FYI. It’s kind of like if you married a hamburger. I mean, maybe you can hold off for a while, but eventually…you’re gonna eat the hamburger. Right? So Lestat, what happened to Viktor’s mother?”

“I ate her.”

“Exactly. Need I say more?”

“I ate the fuck out of her. And I liked it.”

“Right. The other way to become a vampire obviously is to convert. Um. But it’s a lot of time that you gotta put into converting. Right? It takes forever.”

“Yeah. Tons of years.”

“Yeah. It’s like at least three years or something like that. Something crazy. Because you have to watch them and research them extensively first.”

“You almost become a doctor in a way, you know?”

“Yeah, and there’s so much more book work to it, you have no idea! It’s like Driver’s Ed but like—”

Lestat holds up a finger. “That being said, we love a convert.”

“Yes, we— yes. We love a convert.”

“Yeah, exactly, because, if you choose to be a vampire, I mean, that’s, you know, that’s a big deal. Right? There’s not that many of us. You know? Huge.”

“Huge.”

“So, you know, if you become a vampire, then um, you know you have a big vampire party and all of your new vampire friends bring you presents and stuff, it’s great! It’s like a baby shower!”

“You bring in, you know, a person of your choosing, usually a young man or young woman—”

“Mhm.”

“Put them down on the table—“

“Mhm.”

“They’re alive, everyone gathers around, you know, almost like what humans do with birthday cakes.”

“Yeah!”

“And we sit there and we sing like, ‘For you’re gonna be a vampire, for you’re gonna be a vampire, for you’re gonna be a vampire, now bite this fucking neck!’ And then you kill a person.”

“Right.”

“It’s wonderful!”

You and Lestat sing simultaneously, “You’re gonna be a vampire, you’re gonna be vampire, now bite this fucking neck!’”

“And that’s it! So it’s a bunch of book work and then uh, you know, you ‘blow out your candles’ and you’re a vampire! The most recent party we threw for a convert was for Rose, Viktor’s wife. They ended up getting close to each other and marrying, but they knew about the hamburger allegory, so they did the smart thing by having Rose drink blood from Marius and Pandora, and ultimately her transformation into a vampire was completed by us. But, fun fact, Rose is actually Lestat’s adoptive daughter. C’est dingue comme les familles, c’est toujours compliqué.” (It’s crazy how families, it’s always complicated.)

“Now hold on, hold on, before you guys all get in the comments, relax. It’s not incest. She and Viktor are not blood related and never grew up in the same house together or anything like that. Let me make a small correction: I was never actually her father, I was more of a father figure. Her parents died and she called me ‘Uncle Lestan.’ This isn’t 1612 and we aren’t the Hapsburgs of Spain!”

“It was hard to find a card for the occasion, though. They don’t really have any at grocery stores or at vampire stores.”

“Just another way The Man is holding the vampire down. It’s rude, actually!”

“It is rude! I mean, we’re here!”

“We’re queer! I mean, we’re vampires! Get used to it!”

~

“Hello. So you might be wondering why I look a little more rosy cheeked today. Uh, it’s because I am sick. I have, I guess, what you call blood poisoning. Um, I've been throwing up for three days. Lestat is sick too. As of now I’m doing the best I can. Feeding from blood bags I snagged from the hospital. Louis is here too, and he’s feeding Lestat some human blood. Thank god. It’s nice to see you’re actually taking care of yourself, mon frère. (brother) Louis is still on animal blood. He feasts on humans every other night. It's his way, but he came to take care of us. So sweet of him. So essentially what happened is a couple days ago we had some Brazilians. And it didn’t go down very well.”

“Wait a minute are you saying…what are you talking about? What are you saying Brazilians?”

“I’m saying that a couple days ago we had Brazilians and we both got sick. As-tu de la fièvre, Lestat?” (Do you have fever, Lestat?)

“That guy didn’t get me sick. I’m talking about my Brazilian wax. I can barely move.”

“What!?” You and Louis exclaim at the same time.

“Yes, it hurts like a bitch!”

“Lestat! You got waxed?”

“Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax!”

“Why?!” You and Louis ask.

“I don’t know, I thought it’d be nice.”

“Oh my god, Lestat.”

“It’s like a little landing strip right above my penis.”

“Lestat! Lestat! Je ne veux pas savoir. (I don’t want to know). But also…”

“What? What?”

“Guys don’t get waxed!”

“Yes, they do! This is 2024, Sister! Not 1794. People do things now. Oh, Louis, while you’re up, get me that Preparation H so I can put that on my dick.”

“No, no! Lestat, don’t do that!”

“Icy hot. Icy hot. Louis, get me an icy hot!”

You can hear every word as Lestat talks to his own dIck in French. You cringe so hard both on the inside and the outside. You want to die.

“Tu sais ce qu’on dit en Français? Il faut souffrir pour être beau. C’était plutôt pour les femmes, mais… le principal c’est de se faire un max de mecs, donc j’imagine que nous aussi on doit souffrir. C’est juste un mauvais moment à passer, t’inquiète, ensuite ce sera du pur plaisir pour nous deux.” (Do you know what we say in French? You have to suffer to be pretty. It was more for women… but the essential is to get the most guys as possible, so I imagine we also need to suffer. It’s just some bad time to get away with, don’t worry, then it will only be pure pleasure for the two of us.)

“Just sit there, please! I can’t take care of you and be this sick at the same time!”

“Sister.”

“What?”

“Get me some more blood.”

“No!”

“I just can’t move. And Louis is busy getting the Preparation H.”

“Then get your ass up and get it yourself! You know what we also say in French: sois un homme!” (be a man!)

~

“Hey guys! I know that Lestat and I said that we weren’t going to make any videos for a while due to how busy we are, but we got some fun announcements to make, so we’re making another video! So suck it! Here we are! Wow! Je ne tiens même plus en place, tellement je suis excitée!!” (I can’t even stay still, I’m just too excited!!) That was the craziest merch launch ever! But have no fear! After selling out in twenty minutes, you’ll still be able to place an order! You can now preorder the newest collection of makeup and beauty products from our brand, Bloodlust! We’ve collabed with Vamypre Cosmetics for this new collection and I’m so excited for when you guys receive and wear your makeup from the recent launch! Some of you are already wearing your merch and makeup from past tours and launches! I love seeing all the photos. Don’t forget to tag me on Instagram! I love reposting! If you’ve attended any shows on this tour, be sure to get both our newest limited edition t-shirts, hoodies, and other apparel from this tour, available only at the venues because once it’s gone, it’s gone! You’ve also heard us perform some of the new songs on our upcoming album! Just a reminder that if you haven’t placed an order, now is the time to preorder a personalized autographed copy of our newest album from Lestat and I! Preorders are only open for one week. That’s right, you have one week to place your orders starting today! You should receive your pre orders for makeup and personalized autographed albums in a few weeks! Thank you for all the support on this drop, I’m so overwhelmed and grateful you love the pieces!”

You yawn mid-sentence.

“Sorry, I’m still a little groggy. Um, I just woke up from a nap and with our new makeup collection dropping, it suddenly struck me. You know, I get a lot of comments and emails from people asking me like uh, ‘wow you look really pretty!’ and that’s really nice and everything but I just want to let you guys know that I’m just like everybody else and when I get up in the morning, I mean, my hair is a mess and…”

“What are you talking about? Non, mais franchement…” (No, like seriously.) Lestat asks in the background from his spot on the chaise lounge chair.

“I’m just explaining to them like…that even vampires like, get up from a nap or something and they uh, they look like everybody else. You know what I mean? Like we don’t like feel like we shoot up out of bed—”

“So what are you saying? You just got up from a nap and look like everybody else?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re wearing makeup, Sister.”

“No. Lestat! No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. And you painted your nails again. Nice color, though. And I like the nail art you did.”

“Lestat.”

“Eyeshadow, blush… are those crescent moons and constellations on your nails? Very cute. Very you.”

“Lestat! You know that I was born like this.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, you were born with makeup on and painted nails. Yeah. Tell you what, when you came out of Gabrielle’s vagina…”

“LESTAT! I was born like this. I was…this is just the way I look.”

“No, you weren’t. Mon dieu, ma soeur est en train de devenir folle. (My god, my sister is losing her mind.) You know what you looked like?”

“What?”

“First of all this is what the vagina looks like… Et oui, j’aurais préféré ne pas savoir à quoi ressemble le vagina de ma propre mère.” (And yes, I would have much preferred to not know what my own mother’s vagina looks like.)

“No, Lestat! Come on!”

“And then you popped out.”

“With makeup! With makeup!”

“Yeah, with makeup! Yeah, blood—” the sound of your dog barking interrupts him. “Mojo…”

“You’ve upset the dog.”

“Talking about when my sister was born. All right. Calm down. Good boy.” He pats your dog on the head before going back to the question. “You had like blood on you, you had all this like mushy white stuff, it was disgusting. And Gabrielle still had most of her after birth up in there and, when it came out, the dogs tried to eat it…”

“…we’re just like everybody else.” You force a smile to hide your grimace as you go to end the video. “Lestat, tu as de la chance d’être déjà mort…” (Lestat, you’re lucky you’re already dead…)

--

“Oh, here’s a good question: ‘Do you ever miss walking in the sun?’ The night of my transformation… I was just sitting, doing nothing, and Lestat came floating in and over to me, and I recognized him. Never for a moment did I believe he was dead and when I saw his eyes - those blue eyes I had seen all my life, the same, but different - It was wonderful. He didn’t have to tell me. I knew what he was. And then he gave me the choice he never had. And I said yes. Comment n’aurais-je pas pu lui dire oui.” (How could I have not said yes to him.)

“That's right. I bit you on the neck and fed you my blood.”

“That's right. Do I miss the sun? I did at first - but then I realized these shadows, this darkness - it’s all part of me. I spent too long defined by what other people did to me. The choices other people made for me - but that’s over now. This is who I am, in all my glory, for better and for worse. That being said, I haven’t completely given up on returning to the sun. Once a vampire reaches a certain age, they build up an immunity to UV light. Most vampires have to reach their 1,000th year, but I have heard stories of younger vampires developing this immunity after drinking the blood of an ancient. I drank Enkil’s blood and I happen to know a few ancient vampires myself, so if the opportunity presented itself again - well, I wouldn’t say no. But until then, I am happy.”

“Est-ce parce que je suis ton soleil, ma soeur?” (Is it because I am your sun, sister?)

“Whatever, Lestat. ‘Can you drink the blood of animals? Have you ever thought of it? Would you even consider it?’ The answer to that question is…”

“What are we, fucking monsters?”

“Have you seen our dog?”

“He’s adorable! Mojo, show the audience how cute you are!”

“We have a great affinity for animals. Mojo here, like other dogs we’ve encountered, doesn’t try to bite or attack us on sight. That’s another vampire myth. So sorry to say, but your pets won’t protect you from our kind. C’mon! We met this guy as vampires and he wasn’t scared of us at all! He let us pet his head and he reminded us so much of the mastiffs we used to have that he really made us happy again. You think we would eat this dog?”

“Maybe if we didn’t have access to human blood and we were like the Donner Party and had to eat something. Maybe then Mojo would start to look really, really good. We can only suck ourselves for so long—”

“Ugh!”

“Well, not that way! You know what I mean! You bite down on your own arm and you know, you can get away with things by just—” Lestat pretends to bite down on his forearm. “But, as a vampire, drinking your own blood is toxic and just makes you really sick! And you’re losing blood too! It’s dry, dry, dry! Look at Mojo! Look at him! This is our bébé!” (baby!) Lestat pets and kisses Mojo’s head and scratches behind his ears.

“Mojo is the goodest of good boys! He’s just a giant softie! What’s wrong with you people?”

“Crazy! He is a purebred! He smells good though.”

“Yes, he does. Not like you…”

“Are you saying I need a bath?”

“Well, Mojo already got his, and I just took a shower yesterday, so it can’t be him or I stinking up the room…”

“Stink!? I’ll have you know my bath and beauty products are the best smelling things to ever grace this earth.”

“Guys, did you know Lestat never has less than 17 bottles of various products on the table beside his bathtub or shower at any given time?”

“You’re just envious because the combined scents of my body wash, shampoo, conditioner, cologne and natural musk are so irresistible that they’re attracting all the humans and vampires to me and not you.”

You roll your eyes.

Lestat gives Mojo belly rubs. “We really should get Mojo a friend. I feel bad having to leave him whenever we’re on tour or need to hunt. Maybe another Mastiff or a St. Bernard… Would you like that, Mo? Do you want a friend? Bien sûr, que tu as besoin d’un nouveau copain!” (Of course you need a new buddy!)

~

You and Lestat are watching What We Do In The Shadows, the popular vlog series that stars your friends over in Staten Island.

“Awww, look! Nandor made a new friend!”

“Is that John Goodman?”

“Lestat, it’s obviously Patton Oswalt.”

“Who’s Patton Oswalt?”

“Lestat, have you seen Ratouille?”

“I know what ratatouille pasta looks like, yeah.”

“No, like the movie. It was animated. He voiced a rat.”

“…Do I look like someone who watches cartoons? I prefer live action.”

“Lestat, it was Patton Oswalt and Peter O’ Toole, it was one of the most iconic movies—”

“I know Peter O’ Toole, but who the hell is Patton Oswalt?! Who’s that?”

“That’s Patton Oswalt.” You point at the screen.

“That’s not John Goodman?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t John Goodman do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why is Nandor doing this?”

“The documentary series? Same reason we are, I suspect.”

“No, I mean trying to get a rebound for his human lover.”

“They’re not lovers. Guillermo is his familiar.”

“Mhm. That’s how it starts. Maybe that is John Goodman but older and older he looks like Patton Oswalt.”

“Oh.”

“What are they talking about? Are they making fun of vampires? You know, our people… ça craint quand même…” (it sucks though)

“Oh, they’re really high up. I don’t know about this...”

“We have to go through so much shit. Oh, Look at that.”

You and Lestat simultaneously let out a loud gasp large enough to suck in half of Earth’s oxygen when Nandor accidentally throws Patton Oswalt off the building to his death. His blood pours out from his head.

“Ohhh!!” You start fanning yourself.

“Oh, that was good.”

“Um, that’s really… I’m so hungry.”

“He’s dead. A shame, all that juicy blood gone to waste.”

“Wow.”

“Do we have any more Texan left?” You ask, before you laugh and point, “Nadja and Laszlo are fucking the humans next door!“

Lestat laughs, “Man, those two could fuck. I miss them. We should visit, make a cameo in one of the future episodes. I’m sure they wouldn’t say no to a foursome or an orgy.”

“Okay, okay, we’ll call them later. But we should try to behave ourselves on camera. Back to the questions. People write in all the time and they say, ‘what can you eat? What do vampires eat?’ And um so I just wanna completely sum this up for everybody. So here is the vampire food pyramid. Here’s what we’ve got here, so we got human blood, human blood, human blood, carbs. So that’s three servings of human blood and one serving of carbs per day. Louis for a really long time was just eating the carbs but recently we took a trip to Romania and Lestat and I totally got on him and we were like, ‘Look, we want you to live to see 1,000.’ I am proud to say… Look at the former rat-eater.” You show a professionally shot photo of Louis.

“Yes, yes, thank you very much. Louis started eating more Californians. You know, it’s very healthy. They got more tofu in them. More beans, more rice, more vegetables, more fruit. He used to like to go to Texas and eat people from there because they’re juicy and they’re big. Parce que le gras, c’est la vie!” (Because fat food is life!)

“Right. And they got that sauce.”

“Delicious. Put a nice barbecue sauce on a nice Texan.”

“Sure.”

“But the problem is they’re very high in fat so now the three of us are starting to eat people out here in California while we play our shows. Being rockstars has its perks, doesn’t it, Sister?”

“It’s smart, it’s really smart. Mais après tout, nous sommes intelligents.” (But after all, we’re smart.)

“I think we all look really good. Especially Louis.”

“Yeah. I mean, look at him! He looks great.”

“It’s unbelievable, huh? I like it.”

Lestat goes to the fridge and pulls out the leftovers. Australian, Englishman, Canadian, and…

“Oh! There is Texan!” You clap excitedly as Lestat brings it over.

“Yup! Told you we had some! Mmhmm. This is from a 38-year-old Texan. He had a lot of barbecue sauce in him before he died, you know what I mean? Mmm.”

“It’s spicy.”

“Let’s go out and get something fresh. We can show the viewers how we hunt. And then we’ll go back to watching and talking about weird vampire shows.”

“Okay.”

“And then I’m gonna go fuck Louis.”

“Euugh! He just does it to get under my skin!”

“I’m fucking the shit out of him. Tous. Les. Soirs.” (Every. Night.)

“OKAY! Why does it always come down to this? I try to get on my vlog and tell people how proud of you I am and the next thing out of your mouth is, ‘I’m fucking Louis’. I know you’re fucking Louis. You’ve been fucking Louis for a really long time. I don’t wanna hear it anymore. Je vous entends suffisamment comme ça la nuit…” (I hear enough of you at night.) You sigh exasperatingly. “We’re gonna go grab a bite. Be right back, guys.”

~

“So, a lot of you guys wanted to know about how we um…how we hunt. So we’re out here in this cheap hotel because it’s probably the easiest place to find people to eat. It’s full of criminals and uh, drug addicts and…we frequently hunt evildoers instead of feeding from innocent victims, but we don’t always abide by this rule because…yeah, once people come here, they don’t really go home so it doesn’t really matter. Um… God, this hat.” You swat the floppy flaps of the hat up and away from your face.

“It’s called a sun hat. It’s not the best, but it’ll protect you from the sun and it looks good on you, little sister.”

“But you’re not wearing a hat! Pourquoi dois-je en porter un??” (Why should I wear one??)

“It’d ruin my lovely golden hair. And it’s your turn to bring home dinner.”

You roll your eyes. “Anyway. Hmm. Shall we hunt?”

“What are we hunting for, ma chère?”

“What are we hungry for, Lestat?”

“Hmm. The pick of the city. The pick, pick, pick of it. A couple, an illicit couple, out for a cheat. His wife and her husband nodding off in their ignorant beds. Hmm. Drain them in heat. Let their children answer a knock at the door. A pale-faced policeman, a ride to the morgue.”

“Yeah, all that. Have a seat. Oh, here’s…okay, people are coming. Here we go. Oh… they’re the blood muffins…they’re the blood muffin girls. So we can’t eat them.”

“What are you talking about? What are blood muffins?”

“Long story. I was experimenting.”

“Hi! How are you? Do I know you from somewhere?” One of the girls asks, using her hand as a makeshift visor so she can see you.

“Oh no, I don’t think so. I…”

“Are you part of the crew?”

“Oh…holy crap! So you guys are…really um… oh God, I’m so sorry. I’m really, really hungry.”

“You guys should come with us! We’re gonna go eat! God, it’s so hot today. Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us?”

“Yeah, I kinda wanna eat your neck.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, nothing! You guys go ahead. You go ahead and eat.”

“Well, you both can come over and join us.”

“Okay. Yeah, maybe we will in a minute. But you guys go ahead.”

“Bye!”

“Bye! My brother made me wear this floppy hat!”

“It’s good, I like it!”

“Okay.”

“It looks good on you!”

You and Lestat look at each other for a moment.

“…Okay, I’m gonna bite! Just a little! I’m just gonna eat them a little bit! Just a little bit!” You say, pinching you thumb and pointer finger close together before running after the girls as they scream.

Lestat sighs, but he smiles too. “The wilderness that is my sister. C’est pourquoi je l’aime.” (That’s why I love her.)

~

“So update about that girl whose neck I bit in the last video. She accepted my apology and she sent me a thank you note, which is fucking awesome.”

“I told you to get dinner, but that you couldn’t kill her because I wanted to watch the show she was gonna star in. You kill her, we can’t watch the show together. I wanna have a brother-sister moment!”

“Yeah. Lestat—”

“All right? I wanna have a fucking brother-sister moment! Est-ce que c’est trop te demander?!” (Is it too much to ask you?!)”

“I wasn’t gonna kill her, Lestat! I just got excited! It’s kind of embarrassing!”

“You bite somebody’s neck, you better be going in for the kill, honey! We talked about this before!”

“Listen! All right, I’m already embarrassed about this enough, okay? All right?”

“Good! Glad you are!”

“There’s nothing you can do to make me feel worse than I already do about it.”

“You don’t think so?”

“…no. What are you gonna do? Lestat, putain, je te jure que si tu fais une dinguerie…” (Lestat, fuck, I swear if you do something crazy…)

Lestat pulls down his pants and underwear.

“LESTAT!!” You quickly cover the camera with your hands before the audience can see much, if anything.

“How’s that? Make you feel worse?”

“I’m gonna show people.”

“Hey! Show away! Maybe I’ll even start an OnlyFangs. Huh? You screw up again like that, I’m gonna run around the street naked.”

“Lestat, you’re so embarrassing. Il a vraiment fallu que tu sois mon frère… Dieu doit me détester.” (You really had to be my brother… God must hate me.)

“And it won’t be like that time I did it for fun in the village.”

“Do you see how I have to live?! I’m a vampire, my brother flashes people… wait, Lestat…did you hook up the computer to the TV?”

“I paid a guy to do it.”

“What?! You did? How much did you pay him?”

“$100.”

“Well, I can hook up your iPod. The one that you never took out of the box.”

“You can?!”

“Mhm.”

“And then you can help me download! I wanna get that song with that really good country singer who sings that song about love for Louis. You know what I’m talking about? LOOK THEY'RE KISSING!” He points at the tv screen. “Look! Look, Sister! How romantic is that? Huh? Two vampires kissing?”

“It’s not…”

“Show the world that we’re just like everybody else, hm?”

“Anyway…”

“And you know what, Sister, they should start making movies and television shows about vampires. That’s what they should start doing. They got all this popstar and reality tv shit out there. Vampires, I’m telling you, that’s where it’s gonna be!”

“Well, Lestat, you are one step ahead of everybody as usual.”

“Oooh!! Faith Hill! That’s it!! That’s who I wanna download! The one who’s married to Keith Urban!!”

“Who’s not married to Keith Urban…” You facepalm.

~

“I can’t sleep. Um. Yes! We sleep. I mean, we don’t have to, I guess, technically, but… um, we really like to nap. Napping’s pretty big with vampires. I mean, who doesn’t like a nap, really? Right? I’m getting a lot of questions about um, about um, Buff...erm. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. God, I can’t even get it out of my mouth. Ummm. And people have been sort of writing in and going ‘what do you think about… Buffy… and um… I could do a whole vlog about um, you know, how tough I am compared to Buffy and - and how I could kick her ass and all that stuff but the truth is that uh…I am terrified of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I know what you’re thinking, I know she’s not real, right? I know. I know she’s not real. I get that, right? But there’s this whole television show dedicated to this girl who finds vampires and stakes them until they die. If I was just laying here, minding my own business, and some girl showed up in a cheerleader outfit and ripped my undead heart out of my body and it was legal… huh? It’s just so irresponsible. It’s just so irresponsible that there’s this show about killing an entire race of beings and it’s totally fine, right? Are you listening, WB? Right? Because I hope, I really hope that Paramount buys you out. I hope that Paramount slays you! I mean, she kills vampires right in front of the rest of the school! It’s like my ultimate nightmare. It’s like a cheerleader with a - with a stake kills me in front of her hot friend!”

Lestat stands in the doorway to your bedroom, wearing his silk pajamas and a robe. “Sister.”

“What?”

“What are you doing? It’s 3AM. I was napping.”

“Lestat, I had the Buffy dream again.”

He lets out a long groan of annoyance. “Ugh. Jesus Christ. Are you serious? We’ve been over this a million times, okay? I checked your closet, there isn’t a vampire slayer. I went under your bed, there isn’t a vampire slayer. There aren't any vampire slayers, okay? Look it up!”

“Lestat! How do you know that, though? You don’t know that for sure. Elle peut apparaître et décider de nous tuer, juste parce qu’on est des vampires! Je suis sûre qu’elle nous écoute en ce moment même! Alors comment peux-tu être certain qu’elle n’est pas là?!” (She can appear and decide to kill us, just because we’re vampires! I’m sure she is listening to us right now! So how can you be so sure she isn’t there?!)

“Because the last vampire slayer was killed in 1872, okay? He was eaten by a werewolf!”

“What? Oh fuck, werewolves? I hadn’t even thought about werewolves! Jesus Christ, I’ll never get to sleep.”

“Take a nap. Let’s go. I’m gonna go fuck Louis.”

“Ohhh my god!”

~

“Okay, so True Blood. We’ll talk about True Blood. God, that show is so fucking funny!”

“It’s hysterical! It’s one of the best comedies ever created.”

“It is! So funny! It’s so funny! Have you guys seen that show?!” Your voice becomes so high from laughter. “It’s so funny! They get everything wrong!”

“That one guy! He’s a dog!”

“I know!”

“He’s like you, Mojo! ‘Hey, Sam! How are you, Sam?’”

“He turns into a dog!”

“This is True Blood?”

“Oh god! So where, um, Jason gets addicted to vampire blood?”

“No, that was later on! This…”

You’re flailing and struggling to speak through your laughter. “Okay, wait, you guys! You can’t get addicted to vampire blood, whatever you do, because the only thing vampire blood does is give you diarrhea. Et oui, pas très sexy!” (Yes, not super sexy!)

“It gives you the shits!”

“That’s it! It’s like a freaking laxative. Louis made up that whole La Petite Mort thing for Daniel’s book. You do NOT—”

“What about your friend? Your friend came over - what was her name?”

“Charlotte. Charlie.”

“She comes over and this one here gives her a little bit of her blood. Even a little bit is the worst thing in the world to a human that hasn’t been bitten first.”

“It - it was - it was like a pinprick. I—”

“Oh. That girl was like a shit factory. She just…” Lestat makes fart noises with his mouth.

“It was awful!”

“It was horrible! It was not fun. I called her Shartlotte as a joke and she was not happy. She didn’t know what was going on, she was very grossed out, so were we. I had to take her to the emergency room.”

“It was awful and, Charlie, I’m sorry. Wait, Lestat, was it - was that - this is something I do wanna talk about - you know how like, Bill like, oh my god, every episode you see him, you see him in his house, he lifts that little latch up and he goes down and he sleeps in a coffin? What an asshole. Jesus. This show was made in 2008? What? We don’t need to sleep in coffins all the time anymore.” You have to fan yourself from how hard you’re laughing.

“There’s a lot of sex on it.”

“That’s true.”

~

“All right, anyway, being a mortal in a vampire world is tough, but being a vampire in a mortal world…blegh! ‘Dear Mademoiselle Lioncourt, I was just curious what you thought about the Twilight movie.” Um. Okay. Don’t get me fucking started on the Twilight movie. All right, get me started on the twilight movie. Did you fucking read those books? Um. I read those books. I read them in like twelve hours. All of them. I mean it was like literary crack but, besides that, it’s complete bullshit. All right. Where is this house in Oregon with all of these hot fucking vampires living in the same place with their hot ass fucking parents? They’re rich and they’re hot and I don’t know any of them. Fuck. Okay. And last but not least, the one thing that they almost got right in Twilight, they still got so wrong. Okay, you know the part where when vampires go out into the sun ummm, they sparkle like a million diamonds? Yeah, you wanna see what happens when I go out into the sun? Yeah, I’ll show you. This is… it’s not diamonds, I’ll tell you that much. I’ll show you outside in the sunlight.”

“Ahhh! Oh my god!!! Oh!! Oh my god!!!”

“I break out. Bad.”

“Ohh!!! The acne scarring!! Ahhh!!”

“Okay! It’s really bad. So Twilight - go fuck your mother. All right, I gotta go back in. Eternal life sucks balls. Sometimes I just wish, you know, I could be like the other girls like, I just wanna eat pizza and dish out blowjobs just like everybody else. I don’t know.” You scream when Lestat scares the ever living shit out of you by coming up at you from behind with cheap plastic vampire teeth.

“I want to suck your blood!” He says in a bad Bela Lugosi voice.

“Lestat, get off! Tu es tellement stupide!” (You’re so stupid!)

“Oh, come on. You’re 256 years old. Grow up.”

“Get out.”

“Do we have any more blood infused with French wine?”

“Oh, great. I’m a vampire and my brother’s an alcoholic. I’m totally fucked. And not in a nice way.”

~

“Um, hey Lestat…”

“What?”

“Hey, Les…”

“What? I’m trying to write!”

“Okay! Is it okay with you if I invite my boyfriend over?”

“No, Sister, no.”

“Lestat, c’mon, please! He’s the only other vampire I’ve ever met that isn’t a total dick, all right? And-and he’s really cute and I really, really like him a lot! Les, don’t make me cry! Pourquoi faut-il que tu sois si méchant avec moi, tout le temps?” (Why do you need to be so mean to me all the time?)

“Okay, fine! All right, fine! But listen to me! Do not cry and do not bring him into your bedroom and tell him you’re gonna listen to albums, okay? Because I know what that’s code for. I’m not an idiot.”

“What’s that code for?”

“Please! It means he’s gonna give you the stink finger!”

“Lestat!”

“There will be no stink fingers in this house!”

“Ugh!!”

“The only stink finger I want is mine!”

“Ewwww!! I don’t wanna know anything about your stink finger! I just wanna have my—”

“I don’t know anything about anybody else—”

“I just wanna have my boyfriend over!”

“All right, but no bedrooms!”

“So I can have him over?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, good! ‘Cause he’s right here!” You pan the camera to show your boyfriend has been sitting next to you the whole time. “Hi!!!” You clap excitedly. “Okay, so here’s the story. All of you guys keep writing and asking me about um, the guy from that one music video. Okay, so let me tell you the story. Here’s the deal, this is just how my luck goes. Pretty cold. So I meet Jaska, and he’s a vampire, and he gives me these like serious vampire eyes at the after party and we make out and I get really excited and then I find out that he’s a FINNISH EXCHANGE STUDENT AND HE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK ANY ENGLISH. Not that it matters. He’s back on a boat to Finland pretty soon. But, in the meantime, he has very sweetly agreed to come over and be on the vlog! So um…. Ladies and gentleman, without further ado, this is Jaska. Say hi. Say hi to everybody on YouTube. Say hi.”

“Hi! Hi!”

“If there’s anything you wanna say, you can say it to the YouTube viewers!”

Jaska starts talking in his native language. You have no idea what he’s saying. Nearly 300 years of existence and learning more than the three languages you already know has never been high on the list of your priorities. You’re fine with French, Italian, and English. But his accent is just so fucking sexy you spontaneously start making out with him on camera while he’s mid-sentence.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhh!” Lestat yells, then pushes you apart. “Sister! Thank you, thank you very much!”

Mojo starts barking.

“See, you’ve upset the dog! You’ve upset me! None of this in my house! Vampire or not, I’ll break your fucking neck!” He threatens your boyfriend.

“…yeah. Okay.” Your boyfriend says in awkward English.

“See this is the kind of thing that leads to the stink finger!” He then starts talking in a baby voice to Mojo, “who’s my baby? That’s right, you are!”

“…How do you say stink finger in Finnish?”

~

“Let’s see…where are we gonna start today? Um….”

Lestat is on the phone. “Yeah, how much is your Mandarin Garnet? Yeah. The one that’s on TV right now. It’s a Mandarin, it’s an oval cut. Yeah. Well, do you think you guys have a discount? Senior citizens? Uh, I’m white…”

“Lestat! Are you buying more gemstones?”

“It’s beautiful, it's Mandarin!”

“Lestat, give me that!” You wrestle his phone out of his hands.

“SEND IT TO ME!”

“He’s not - no, we don’t want any more gemstones.” You hang up his phone. “Lestat, you have a closet full of gemstones!”

“But I don’t have that one!” He points at the TV screen. “It’s gorgeous!”

“Lestat!”

“How much is it?” He takes out another phone.

“Lestat! Give me that!”

“No!”

You wrestle that phone away from him too. “God…”

“I can start using them to bedazzle. I ordered a bedazzler the other day.”

“LESTAT!”

“It was cheap.”

“My brother’s addicted to online shopping. Et il est complétement taré aussi. Enfin, rien de nouveau.” (And he is completely crazy. I mean, nothing new.)

“It was three easy payments of $49.95 every three weeks.”

“What are you gonna do with a bedazzler, Lestat?!”

“I’m gonna use the gems! I’m gonna sell them online on the eBay thing! Put it on eBay! Whatever that is. Oh, do me a favor, call our PA, have her pick up lunch.”

“Oh, I’m so fucking done right now. You can call her yourself.”

“Look how beautiful it is!” Lestat points at the TV screen insistently.

You turn to look. “Oh, that is pretty…”

“Mandarin. It looks like a piece of orange chicken.”

You relent and give Lestat his phone back to order the damn gemstone.

~

“My brother’s ‘friend’—” You use heavy air quotes. “Raglan James, is in town. He’s been here for two weeks. I fucking hate him. Lestat loves him. Calls him RJ and just cannot get enough of him. Probably because he claims to be a friend of David Talbot, our actual friend. But this guy… He’s disgusting. They’ve been partying for two weeks in our living room. It’s gonna get better though, wait for it, seriously stick around for it. In the meantime—” You try to raise your voice to be heard over their loud chatting. “IN THE MEANTIME, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERING.”

“I’m double fisting! I’m double fisting! I’m double fisting!” Lestat says, in the middle of telling a funny story. Well…humor is subjective.

“‘Do vampires…?’ CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS? I’M TRYING TO DO MY VLOG! Putain, je vais finir par déménager, moi.” (Fuck, I’m gonna end up moving out.)

“Yeah, could you please go somewhere else and do your vlog?”

“What’s a vlog? Why do you put a V in front of it?”

“Because it’s a video blog,” Lestat explains. “They call it a vlog.”

“Thank you,” you say.

“Why don’t you call it a…vidiary or a vijournal?” Raglan asks.

“We should call it that, Sister. A vidiary.”

“Sounds dirty.”

“Speaking of vijournal, when was the last time you got laid?” Raglan asks.

“Uuugh!! There’s TWO of them!!”

“It was like 14 minutes ago.”

“EUGH! Personne n’a envie de savoir ça!!” (Nobody wants to know it!!)

“Sarah, do you pay attention in school?”

“Who the FUCK is Sarah!?”

“I haven’t always lived here. I was living in England and studying abroad. Did you know that, in 1588, when Queen Beth defeated the Spanish at sea— You remember reading about that? She threw a— You remember reading about that?”

“They had no tea! The English! No tea!” Lestat says.

“Yeah, but what wasn’t written in the books was that she threw a four-day rager!”

You roll your eyes so fucking hard they nearly roll back into your head.

“No way! I knew The Virgin Queen wasn’t a virgin after all! She must’ve had so many men in her bed. Reminds me of the time I tag-teamed a Scottish girl with—” Lestat starts.

“OHHHH!” You don’t want to hear any more. You pinch the bridge of your nose.

“The Royal line had syphilis for a hundred years!”

“I bet it was worth it though!”

“And in 1749, another vampire ate out Martha Washington.”

“Ohhhh my god! That is NOT true! The Talamasca are so full of shit!”

“Well, she was Dandridge at the time. Martha Dandridge.”

“If I have to keep listening to you, I’m gonna pull a Van Gogh and cut my own ears off.”

“Actually, Van Gogh cutting his ear off is a myth. Did you know that it was actually…”

You drown out his voice. You don’t fucking care.

“I gotta take a smoke.”

“You should go out to the balcony to relax.”

“So my brother’s gonna go to the balcony and then the fun’s really gonna start. Here it comes. Wait for it. Wait for it. Is he behind me? Thought so. Yes, James?” You refuse to call him by his first name. His first name is fucking ugly, just like his face and personality. And you won’t call him RJ, no matter how much he insists that he’s cool and can be called by his initials. He is not cool.

“…Do you wanna go to the Taylor Swift concert with me?”

“Mmmm...”

“Do you like - do you like Taylor Swift? Do you know who that is?”

“Not really my thing, James.”

“We need more matches for the balcony,” Lestat says, then he notices how close Raglan is standing to you. “What the FUCK is going on?”

“Nothing! I was asking her about what music she likes.”

“You cannot hit on my sister! What the FUCK is wrong with you?! Get the fuck out!”

“Les!”

“Come on! Get out of here! And don’t call me Les! You don’t have the right!”

“I’ve had a time!”

“Get out of here! Goddammit!”

“I’ll see you next year!”

“No! Don’t come back! Goddammit!”

“He shows up. He hits on me.” You say to the camera.

“It’s ridiculous! I cannot believe it!”

“Lestat throws him out. And it happens every. Single. Time. Thank you, Lestat! Thank you for throwing him out! Aussi, je ne me souvenais pas à quel point tu pouvais être possessif et jaloux…” (Also I didn’t remember how much you could be possessive and jealous…)

“I only threw him out because he wanted to fuck you!”

“Gee, thanks. Haven't you noticed how he looks different than before?”

“Probably too much plastic surgery. Humans can get addicted to that.”

“I don’t think that’s it… He looks like a totally different person every time we see him.”

“Yeah, that’s what plastic surgery does to a person. If you ask me, it was a poor investment. He got all that work done and he’s still ugly.”

“No, that’s not what I’m— I mean— you know what? I’m just gonna call David and ask him about James. There’s something very off about that guy and I bet David will know what’s up.”

[vigilskeep]

... one has to wonder if Reaver teeth can possibly be hereditary, especially in the case of Nevvaran Royals, where it's tradition. (If it is, I can only imagine it's recessive)

Teething must be a bitch for Reaver baby.

it depends how you envision them! there’s also the take for example in the redemption live action web series that the sharp teeth only “come out” when you do the equivalent of activating the frightening appearance ability. personally i wouldn’t imagine it being hereditary... similar to how you wouldn’t expect a templar’s kid to start smiting people left and right. becoming a reaver is something you do to yourself not something you’re born as. but idk you could imagine that becoming more dragony fucks up your genes if you wanted! i’m very up for the pentaghasts being Some Type Of Way. let cass have teef

personally i just like to draw my reaver boy with little vampire fangs all the time bc i think they are very important and cute. thats all there is to it. oh also that i like the idea of elves with pointy canines so all my hawkes + the twins could have a little sharpness anyway on account of their elf bloodedness. okay might add that to my worldview bc i just thought abt carver and bethy with teef and it’s doing a lot for me