#the episode name reveal is getting to me

[dr-shortsighted-owl]

Buck coming out of his coma with amnesia, and staying with Eddie and Chris. Only he doesn’t remember them both. He goes by Evan, and calls Eddie ‘Ed’. And it’s jarring for Eddie and Chris.

But sometimes he’s in the kitchen humming a song that Eddie recognises as one he would dance around with Chris to, or he makes breakfast for the Diaz boys because he’s restless one morning and up early only for it to be Christopher’s favourite. Chris comes out with some fact and Buck beams at him and calls him, “Buddy” and both Chris and Eddie are have lumps in their throats. He puts on the TV at a specific time one night because he felt he had to and it’s when Eddie’s favourite telenovela would be on air.

All these small things that make Buck, Buck to his Diaz boys.

Even when he can’t remember them, he still instinctually remembers, in his actions and words.

[umblrspectrum]

hi heres art so you pay attention to me now go read the tags

[twilit-tragedy]

Shoutout to the MDZS donghua for giving Wangxian their secluded home in the middle of nowhere, with a donkey and two bunnies. You dropped this, king 👑

[thatrobotkid]

On this day, 20 years ago, the RJ episodes, “House Party” and “School Newspaper”, premiered at 11:00pm on the 5th night of the new “Fridays”

Fun Facts:

The newspaper in the title for “School Newspaper” has a headline of a robot invading a school, and said robot is RJ. This is a reference to how creator, Greg Miller, jokingly said that the show would end with RJ taking over “Terminator” style

In the scene in “School Newspaper” where Principal Madman is in the teachers lounge, Mr. Mitchell (Sickness) and Mrs. Kavendash (Scantron Love), make non-speaking cameos

When RJ breaks into the school at night in “School Newspaper”, he references “Dick Tracy”, a detective character from old 1930s comics. He even dawns a stereotypical detective get-up.

In “House Party”, RJ reveals his middle, and full, name. His middle being “Electro”, and his full name being “Robot Electro Jones”

[fountainpenguin]

what might your version of sparky be like

I hate admitting this, but I think the most terrible out-of-context part of my worldbuilding is that these two-

-are cousins and have been since I started Origin of the Pixies in 2016. They share their grandmother, Corinna Posy, from the days when Sparky was still a proper Fairy and went by the name Sparkle Doubletake (later Sparky Doublecross).

Sparkle's not on the Whimsifinado family tree (Deliberately excluded), but he mentions Corinna in Chapter 4 ("School's Out - Not Much of a Musical") and she's on H.P.'s family tree. Sparkle and H.P. both have orange scent in their pheromones.

Since Ambrosine was cut from the family after H.P. was born and Solara was an absent mother (for... reasons), H.P. isn't familiar with Solara's side of the family and didn't recognize Sparkle as a relative when he introduced himself. But, it's always been there in my canon!

H.P. always found Sparkle super annoying because he'd constantly get drunk and break rules, like smuggling a cù sith (fairy dog) into the dorm, notwithstanding that Fairy culture hates them because they steal souls.

In Origin of the Pixies, a golden cù sith named Leonard lived with H.P. and his housemates in Chapter 6, "A Grain of Truth" (in line with Sparky's appearance in the Snow White story in Season 9's "Fairly Odd Fairy Tales"). Sparky envied Leonard's life as a fairy dog and killed a man specifically so Leonard would grab the opportunity to steal his body (which fairy dogs can only do in special situations). So, technically, Leonard is now H.P.'s cousin and Sparky isn't any longer.

Here's my Sparky design from an old height chart (October 2016) with some other fellas:

I like this design because his wings are very subtle on his back, playing into the vibe of disguising himself as an average dog.

In our current Origin timeline, Sparky's in the dog body and has supposedly been living with Queen Vyanda all this time (Chapter 32, "Almost"). He doesn't fight in the War of the Angels because of this, although coin sìth and their soul-stealing ability definitely caused some chaos that we'll see later.

H.P. actually hates him specifically for the fact that his reward for a string of thefts, at minimum 1 murder, and a habit of chronic drunkenness was living in luxury with a princess for thousands of years and he even got out of the war. Also, I think H.P. blames him for ruining his life (Inviting him to a party when he was a teen that led to a huge fight when his dad found out) and it's hilarious to me because he looks like a loon for hating on a dog.

To be fair, H.P. despised him before he was a dog because they were roommates and he drove H.P. mad, but... it's funny.

[Scene snippets & more info under the cut, covering bits of Sparky, H.P., and Rice (fairy dog OC from Origin of the Pixies)]

H.P.'s description of Sparkle in Origin Chapter 4:

Sparkle was a hard worker in school who knew his stuff. I found myself grudgingly admitting to myself that while he came off as annoying at the best of times, by no stretch of the imagination could he be described as uneducated. He was dumb and emotionally unstable, but well-traveled, and it made him clever. He could drive anything with pedals, and while he rubbed many an animal and Fairy the wrong way, his positive attitude never allowed him to back down from the challenge of friendship. And not even the grouchiest goblin among us could claim that Sparkle Doubletake, who never took the last slice of cherry pie and spent every Wednesday night baking tarts for the whole floor to taste come morning, was unkind. Our third dinner in the Hole, for example, when he saw my hesitation upon finding he and Polly sitting beside another gyne, he didn't even have to be asked to move. He recognized his error and jumped up to help me find another seat, even while I protested that I didn't require his assistance. Now, if he would only do something about those rotting square teeth. That was territory of the Tooth Fairies alone, unfortunately, or I would have shelled out the cash to fix them up myself. Let me make myself clear: I did not like Sparkle. He won himself a fair amount of detentions within our first week alone, he had his wand suspended more than once during my time at the Academy, he constantly toed the line around my section of our room, he frequently came onto me when sugarloaded, and he had no real respect for the rules or Da Rules at all. No. I never learned to like Sparkle. I simply said that he performed well concerning his schoolwork, and I respected him for his ability to get his act together in time for class when he spent his nights drunk or chasing damsels until three in the morning. He and I got on perfectly fine so long as we didn't have to be anywhere near one another.

The golden dog body has always been described as undersized to keep in line with him being a puppy in the Season 9 episode "Let Sleeper Dogs Lie." I kept the canon about Sparky living with Crocker for a bit, though I don't consider the way Crocker lost Cosmo and Wanda in that episode canon since it conflicts with the much better-known episode "Secret Origins of Denzel Crocker" from Season 3.

I don't have much to say about my portrayal of Sparky because for the most part, I think the personality I gave him connects with canon. I especially like this one scene in Chapter 4 where he summoned a battering ram with a wave of magic, which is a nod to his behavior in Season 9 where he summons vehicles like monster trucks in broad daylight and loves to drive.

My face and chest slammed into the door. I bounced back and rolled heels over head. Sparkle cringed, then clucked his tongue as he watched me climb to my feet and stumble in a circle. "Gee Fergus, you're gonna want like a battering ram drill chariot or something. Fortunately, I'm your guy." With a swirl of his wand, he poofed up a buggy with a hefty spike affixed to the front, and positioned himself in the high chair… with me as his draft pegasus.

One thing I'd like to say is that I dislike Sparky's canon portrayal, as he tends to use magic in front of people without facing consequences and it doesn't vibe well with the show's established rules about lying low. I also feel he doesn't connect with Cosmo and Wanda (compared to Poof or Chloe, who engage with them directly). Sparky tends to have separate adventures and only really talks to Timmy, so he doesn't feel like he adds to the dynamic.

I don't often write content for the humans (as I do more cloudland worldbuilding and backstory pieces), but those are things I like to focus on with my Sparky portrayal: he tends to be aloof, struggles to connect with his friends (who learn bits and pieces of his wild activities, but never get the full story), and he always has random storylines going on in his background.

If I were to improve him (in my eyes), I'd like to make the dynamic feel more natural by adding to his relationship with Cosmo and Wanda- In other words, giving him more interactive dialogue with the other characters so he feels he fits in the scene. I do try to play him more as a dog, emphasizing the magical need to hide his origins compared to his canon self, who floats and cooks food in front of humans. His personality is very rebellious and wacky. He's a person confined to a dog's body (by choice, but confined nonetheless), so his behavior's not always dog-like. He has... issues and drama in his past.

There's actually a lot of weird depth to my Sparky portrayal (in the sense of "He's been around for ages and seen a lot of traumatizing things"), but in true Sparky fashion, he's off doing questionable things and you never get his whole story. Which, y'know... as much as I'm not a Sparky fan, I'm glad I found a place for him in my 'fics, even if it's bizarre.

He still has extreme behavior- I don't intend to take that from him, but I prefer it kept behind closed doors like the other Fairy characters keep theirs (though not all magic species do, with Norm being a good example of a blatant magic user). Timmy appreciates him dearly and Sparky stays with him even after Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof leave; he just has to go silent or be removed. Theoretically... He is a rebel.

In the 130 Prompt "Bones," Sparky attended Doidle's funeral; Mark even refers to him as Sparky Stealer of Souls. In the 130 Prompt "Repeat," Sparky's moved to Cosmo and Wanda's place in Fairy World and is growing gray on his muzzle. He hung out in the garden while Cosmo was weeding plants.

One of my favorite moments from the canon is Timmy freeing Sparky from Megan Bacon's net in "The Past and the Furious." Instead of attacking Megan, Sparky immediately poofs away and Timmy just stands there before saying "Ladies and gentlemen, my loyal dog, Sparky" in utter disappointment. It gets me every time.

On a side note, I introduced the chihuahua cù sith Rice to Origin of the Pixies for a few reasons- the in-universe reasoning being of course that H.P. keeps him around so he'll be more likely to hesitate in killing Longwood since doing so would allow Rice to steal his soul (as we saw when H.P. adopted him in Chapter 28, "Cotton Candy Oatmeal").

Rice has an upcoming purpose as well that's spoilers, but I have to say... I get why introducing a pet to an existing cast (especially a talking pet) can suddenly make it more difficult to write fluid content. I have to justify his existence by including him, but he's also limited in what he can do because Rice is a dog doing dog things and he doesn't have hands or, like... a job. He's not often relevant and he drains my energy fast because he's always kinda following H.P. around, but it doesn't make sense to separate them when his whole purpose is to follow him, so... not a character type I'll repeat.

Funnily enough, in another project of mine, I have an OC with an anthro service dog and I ran into the same issue of "I've now stopped my main character from committing crimes, flirting with his wife, and getting into trouble because he's followed all the time. This is infuriating."

I enjoy watching the H.P. & Rice friendship grow (from "purposely adopting the dog with the worst personality to prevent me from killing my son") to them having serious conversations about H.P. sending Keefe and Springs to live with Reddinski, and from there to them genuinely caring about each other and valuing each other's opinions. Rice & H.P. relationship post-Iris's rejection in "Off," my beloved...

"You know," I said to Rice that night, "it would have been nice if she said yes. I miss falling asleep with someone next to me who didn't kick and squirm and maybe wet the bed. I miss waking up and finding someone else there." "What about me?" he asked, sounding legitimately offended. "I sleep with you, like, every night, strudel. And I've only wet once." I rolled over and looked at him, squinting without my glasses. "You're a cù sith." "Oh." He lifted his paw and looked at it. "Yeah. I forget sometimes." Rice lay his head back on my shoulder, nuzzling his cheek into my skin. He yawned. We were quiet for a while. Then I asked, "Did you tell your wife you planned to go cù sith? Or did it just happen?" "… Well, we weren't sharing the bed anymore. I was already used to being in the doghouse when I took this body." Then he said, "I liked Iris," which I almost want to kill him for looking back on it now. "Me too," I said, nestling into my pillow. "I just wish I knew how to make friends." Until now, the other party had always done it for me. "I wish… things stopped falling apart. China. The Eros Nest. My parenting classes. Anti-Bryndin lying about the Purple Robe. Kris Kringle laying me off. The stillborn. Now Iris… Nothing seems to go right anymore. The cakes are working out, but that's just business. Friends, damsels, or drones, I can't get anyone to like me. The Anti-Fairies tell me I have this invisible 'karmic weave' that they alone can see, and apparently I'm going to be someone important and influential someday. But what's the point in being influential if no one cares about me?" "I care," Rice said softly. He placed his chin on my shoulder. "Look… You're my best friend, cinnamon. I'm a lot happier now than I was when you first took me home." I stared at the wall, curling my fingers in the bedsheets. "Sometimes… I don't think anyone would care if I went back to the Eros Nest. I could spend the rest of my life in there. I'm forgettable. No one would visit me." "I care, sugarball." "You're a pet. You don't count." Rice closed his eyes. "Pals before gals, fudge bar. At least we have each other." "Friends before it ends," I mumbled, and drifted into sleep.

I do actually enjoy Rice. I just hate that it takes a crowbar to pry him out of any scene <3

Hands-down my favorite part of Rice thus far is when H.P. is having emotional moments in his bedroom (like his conversation with Rupert at the end of Chapter 36, "Senseless"), and Rice is just there squeaking his rubber steak toy. His role in the story isn't my favorite, but oh if he isn't my annoying little guy (affectionate-derogatory).

Also, shout-out to H.P. throwing his newborn son across the rooftops in Chapter 30 ("What Karma Is") while Rice watched in horror and couldn't do anything about it:

"Oh, shoot. You're right. If I jump, how's he going to get across? He can't fly." I looked at Springs. I looked at the gap between us and the next building. I looked at Springs again. Then I picked him up and lifted him above my head. "Never mind. Problem solved. Time this little guy lived up to his name." Rice wrapped his paws around my arm. "Whoa, hold on, hold on! What the frosted strawberries? Are you going to peppermint cocoa throw him?" I looked at him again, too, but didn't lower Springs back to the ground. "Why not? It's not against the law. It's actually the better of two options. And nymphs bounce, right? This is literally the point of elastic exoskeletons." "Well… Uh…" "He's not your pixie," I pointed out, squeezing the squirming nymph with my fingertips. "He's mine. I don't have a problem with it. I don't see why anyone else should. Okay. Here we go, Springs. Keep your chin up." Calculating distance comes naturally to a pixie, of course, and Springs landed exactly where I was aiming. On his rebound, he skipped halfway across the roof before crashing against some metal art sculpture thing and bouncing back. I leapt after him, pushing forward with my wings. Even if they lost momentum when I flew too high, at least steering was still an option. I stretched forward with my arms, grasped the new building's rail, and flipped over to my feet. Or tried to. I tipped too far and crashed on my back with a solid wumph. "Oof… Whoa. Okay. I just jumped a roof as if I could fly. That's the most dazzled thing I have ever done in my life." Rice slunk from his tote, stumbling from side to side. "Granola, that was a rough spin for an old boy…"

Best use of a service dog character: reminding us why the protagonist needs help.

[amelikos]

Actually a bit surprised that Cap's allergy to the word "cute" has been brought up a few times after it was first revealed.. And that it was brought up once when Spinel was in the vicinity in HZ054..

I wonder if it'll be brought up again in the future.

[volfoss]

my #analysis or whatever but its really interesting with how much they cut out of the Jon at the banquet 1x01 scene compared to (at least the leaked version online) the original pilot and book. like not to be like yeah grrm put this much detail in there for a reason but a lot of the detail that they removed really hurts jon as a character and its so jarring to see how much they cut to take the chapter down to about 3 minutes of the episode.

[mcybree]

just got a “because you follow #[tag]” post on my dash of a wcsmp fic from february 2023 pre-milo reveal. it was like a time capsule

[undermostcorgi]

the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)

[nobleriver]

Has anyone written a fanfiction on the dropped River Song/Gamma Forest storyline? That storyline haunts me to this day, a loose thread the show runners never tied up.

“The only water in the forest is the River.” In a Good Man Goes to War, it is stated that the name River Song comes from the people of the Gamma Forest. And there is a young woman from the Gamma Forest at Demon’s Run, trying to warn the Doctor and save River before she gets taken. Her name is Lorna. And she knows what Melody’s real name is because she stitches her true name in the baby fabric: River Song. She also reveals that she met 11 when he visited the Gamma Forest.

That suggests that originally Young River travels to the Gamma Forest at some point. And because the people of the Forest don’t know what a “Melody Pond” is, they start calling her River Song. And she adopts the title as her own, a fresh start. And the Doctor tracks her there in one of his attempts to find her and bring her home. And he meets a little girl called Lorna.

That’s how Lorna knows River gets taken on Demon’s Run. Because the Doctor TOLD her. He told her he was searching for a girl who goes by the name Melody Pond/River Song who was taken at Demon’s Run. That’s how Lorna knows it’s the Silence that trafficked River. That’s how she knows Amy and Melody are being held on Demon’s Run. And that’s how she knows the EXACT DATE the Doctor is going to infiltrate the ship.

Just imagine Season 6 with that plot line still included.

[edettethegreat]

THEY PULLED A MADOKA TWIST. THEY PULLED A MADOKA TWIST AND I DIDNT EVEN SEE IT COMING

[merry-the-cookie]

got some dumbass in my notes with less reading comprehension than i do, listen im sorry i reacted to a main character’s sad predicament in a way that made you believe im delusional about what im watching, i tend to call that human emotion, ofc ur free to feel it in any way u want to toward any character u prefer but i dont get how it got u in my notes being a dumbass

[megaclubdiolis]

柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第二十五回 「決意」 ​​​

[just-miru]

another is so silly i really love it

[cornfieldsrambles]

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO INFODUMP PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT WIGGLY'S SIBLINGS???? THAT HE APPARENTLY HAS????

omg ok SO

Meet the Lords in Black. Charming, aren't they?

Yes, Wiggly does indeed have four brothers who all do different things, so I'll cover them one by one, in order of introduction (since we've already met each of them in Nightmare Time at least once). BTW Nightmare Time has a fuckton of lore in it that I won't go into here, so even though I am about to spoil significant parts of it for you, I do recommend watching it, it's really good and if there's enough interest they might make a third one!

(Also you might notice they're all in doll form in this picture. This is how we knew them up until NPMD introduced us to what I call their Tumblr sexyman forms. Which are rad as hell by the way.)

So you already know Wiggly. That little green fucker, Wiggog Y'Wrath, the Capitalist Cthulu who does uwu-speak and starts a cult by invading people's minds. This will become a bit of a reoccurring theme with these guys. He's also the only one to successfully start an apocalypse, and the only one to have attempted to birth himself into our reality. (Or is he? We'll get to that...) He does seem to have some kind of dominion over the other LiB, as whenever all five of them show up there's always emphasis placed on him, like in NPMD where he does most of the talking while his siblings occasionally butt in.

Now for Bliklotep. Blinky seems to have slightly lower-scale ambitions than Wiggly, but don't let that fool you. Eyeball Boi is still incredibly dangerous. He runs an amusement park, WatcherWorld, deep within the Hatchetfield Witchwood. But it's not for the amusement of the patrons. Oh no. It's for Blinky's own amusement. Once you step inside, every insecurity, every shred of potential conflict will be ripped to the forefront, turning people against each other to the point of trying to kill each other until he's fully infected their minds. It's implied that, if not all, but a significant chunk of the workers at WatcherWorld were once patrons before having their minds taken over by Blinky. He's also implied to be the thing in Trail To Oregon that Jack Bauer sees during his venom-induced hallucination, as Blinky is referred to as "The Watcher With 1,000 Eyes", which is exactly what JB says he sees? Making Blinky the only LiB to induce a Starkid crossover. My headcanon is that the Dikrats founded Hatchetfield. But regardless.

Next up on the roster is Tinky. T'noy Karaxis, the Time Bastard. You may be wondering about that one line in NPMD where he recognised Pete as a Spankoffski, and said he "could have the whole set in his toybox". Has Tinky gone after Pete's relatives?

Well. Um. You know Ted, right? Yeah, his name is Spankoffski. He's Pete's big brother. We actually got the surname reveal before the brother reveal, lol. And that's not the only reveal we got about Ted. Our boy Teddy Bear has this whole entire tragic backstory and it turns out he gets fucked over in literally every timeline! Isn't that fun?

So, to summarise an entire episode: Tinky makes travel fuckery happen, Ted wants to go back in time to fix his life, accidentally goes back to before the time machine was created and gets stuck in the past, literally. Tinky is watching and laughing at the whole thing, then shows up to blow Ted's brain to smithereens with his weird little magic box, the Bastard's Box, where he stores all the people he toys with. Anyway Ted eventually catches up with the present by aging, except now no one knows who he is, he's... actually I won't spoil that. But once he dies he ends up eternally trapped and tortured in the Bastard's Box. Yaaay.

Fast forward to Nightmare Time 2 and we get introduced to Nibbly, in possibly the most unexpected way imaginable. He's revealed to have been behind a whole episode literally right at the end of said episode, and even though it was kind of foreshadowed, it hits you like a freight train in the best way. Remember when I said Wiggly was the only one who tried to birth himself into reality? That was kind of a lie. Nibblenephim can sort of do that anyway. Every year, he can possess a bunch of carcasses and create a living form to walk the earth for one night. He also has a cult of followers who provide him with the carcasses, as well as a sacrifice to feed on. There's a little more to it, specifically with how the sacrifice is chosen, but again, I'm trying to spoil as little as possible. Go watch Nightmare Time. Nibbly also seems to have a "pig" motif, and his theme song, The Nibbly Ditty, is a banger, easily my favourite of the three LiB theme songs we've heard so far.

And finally, we are introduced to Pokotho, in the very last episode of NMT2.

Except no. We were formally introduced to Pokey there, yes, but we've seen his apocalypse already. Long before NPMD, before Nightmare Time, even before Black Friday.

Yeah, remember me saying that Wiggly was the only one to successfully start an apocalypse? That was also a lie! Pokey already did that, and he did it without ever showing his masked face. Remember The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals? The blue spores that came down in a meteor and turned everyone into singing zombies? That was Pokey's doing! That's his blue spores! That's his apocalypse!

This also provides an explanation for why blowing up the meteor didn't work. Emma and Hidgens were right about the hivemind thing, but wrong about the location of the central brain. It wasn't the meteor - the meteor was just the vessel which carried the spores to Earth. The central brain was sitting safely up in the Black and White, laughing as Paul blew himself to smithereens. The central brain was Pokey, the Singular Voice, the most uncompromising of his brothers. The one who hates every voice that is not his own, hence the hivemind and making all of his zombies speak in HIS voice.

Anyway in NMT2 he's happily collecting musical zombies by taking on a human form and infiltrating a fighting ring of superpowered children until he has enough to kickstart another apocalypse. (Don't question it, we're almost done). He also calls himself Otho, not Pokey, making him the only LiB to have two different abbreviations of his name. Hannah is also there (remember her? Lex's little sister?) and she is like incredibly important to this whole thing, she has a super powerful mind, but that's a whole other thing.

But I did mention Hannah for a reason. Because you said "Wiggly's SIBLINGS". And while the Lords in Black are always referred to as brothers, they do have one more sibling. A sister. A Queen in White. And her name is Webby.

Yep, Hannah's imaginary friend isn't imaginary, who could have guessed? She's benevolent, always trying her best to combat her brothers' antics, but given that there's one of her and five of them, this is a bit of an uphill battle. Webby doesn't have a full name that we know of, nor does she have a doll. We don't know much about her. And she may not be all-powerful - but then again, neither are her brothers.

Infodump concluded. Hope this helps, it was very fun to write.

[wolfofansbach]

BEING A LIST OF THE THIRTEEN GREATEST RIVERDALE LINES, ON THE OCCASION OF THAT SHOW'S TERMINATION

As our much loved/hated show comes to an end, I feel compelled to record, for posterity, the greatest thirteen pieces of dialogue to spring from the pens of RAS and his henchmen. It was, of course, originally a top ten list, but I simply could not exclude a few of these treasures. Without further ado: 

13. 

“I dropped out in the 4th grade, to sell drugs, to support my nana.” 

“That means you haven't known the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.” 

Spoken by: an inmate of Leopold and Loeb Juvenile Detention Center, and Archie Andrews. 

In: 3 x 2 

Yeah, okay, this one had to be on the list. It’s funny, I’ll admit. It’s a great example of the overwrought semi-sincere melodrama that helped make this show so special. It’s low on the list largely because The Normies got their hands on it, so every time I hear someone make a reference I get all “do not cite the deep magic to me, witch.” 

12. 

“No! No! What are we supposed to do now? I’m horny as heck!”

Spoken by: Archie Andrews 

In: 7 x 16

Season 7 is undeniably dreadful, and yet there are diamonds in the rough. The occasion is the failure of a projector, just as Archie and Reggie prepare to watch a pornographic film. The utter desperation with which KJ Apa delivers this line is exquisite. One is made to feel they are witnessing a genuine tragedy. 

11. 

“Tonight, they’re making an exception and debuting a cover of the song my parents claim they were listening to the night Jason and I were conceived.” 

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom. 

In: 1 x 1 

Really a fantastic line. A wonderful encapsulation of the casual absurdity of Cheryl’s character, and a foretaste of the lunacy we would plumb in later episodes and seasons. 

10. 

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.” 

Spoken by: Jughead Jones

In: 1 x 10

A genuine classic. “High school football” before “high school football.” One is never entirely sure just how sincere the line is meant to be, both on a meta-level and in-universe. A perfect illumination of Jughead’s pretentiousness. It is made all the better by the occasional cuts to Lili Reinhard’s agonized face. 

9. 

“At the last dance, multiple students were murdered.” 

Spoken by: Principal Holden Honey. 

In: 4 x 2

Delivered as an explanation to Toni and Cheryl, as to why there would be no school dance this year. Principal Honey is in fact supremely rational in the cancellation of this dance. This being Riverdale, he is of course treated as an unreasonable tyrant. 

8. 

“Bro, I know all the secrets of this universe.” 

Spoken by: Archie Andrews (evil version)

In: 6 x 5 

Spoken as evil Archie reveals his evil plan to keep the parallel universes apart. KJ Apa’s delivery once again makes this line. He is comically sinister. Strangely, he sells it. 

7. 

“A Vughead kiss, right now, in the present might be precisely what it takes to save a future Bughead from imploding.” 

Spoken by: Jughead Jones. 

In: 2 x 14

One of those lines that both makes me laugh and makes me genuinely angry. This was a fairly early season, and this may have actually been the first line to get me asking, ‘did they genuinely write and deliver that?’ Extra points for use of the atrocious ‘Vughead’ portmanteau ship name rather than ‘Jeronica.’ 

6. 

“I’m the ultimate wild card. I am the daughter of The Black Hood. The nightmare from next door. I’m training with the FBI and I’m coming for you, you psycho bitch.” 

Spoken by: Betty Cooper

In: 4 x 14 

Just delicious. Another one of those lines that leaves you somewhat unsure whether or not the writers understood how genuinely hysterical it was. “The Nightmare from Next Door” sounds like an announcer hyping up a wrestler. Spoken with a raw sincerity by Lili Reinhart. Also points for the heavy homoeroticism between Betty and Donna. 

5. 

“For I am Cheryl Blossom, Queen of the Bees.” 

Spoken by: Cheryl Blossom.

In: 5 x 16. 

This one really doesn’t require any elaboration. 

4. 

“Elijah ascended…and I will, too.” 

Spoken by: Edgar Evernever.

In: 4 x 5. 

Admittedly, this one is only spectacular with context. But in context—the context being that Chad Michael Murray delivers this line while dressed like Evel Knievel and standing in a cartoon rocket right out of a Warner Bros cartoon—it becomes utterly magnificent. 

3. 

“It’s not queer baiting, it’s saving the world.” 

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 

In: 6 x 22. 

It’s actually hard for me to decide whether this one is funnier with or without context. Without context it’s wonderful, but it possibly becomes even funnier when you know that the context is that Veronica needs to kiss Cheryl to transfer superpowers into her body so she can turn into a Scarlet Witch knock-off and stop a magic comet summoned by Sephiroth an English wizard who is also the Devil. 

2. 

“If there’s no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.” 

Spoken by: Kevin Keller. 

In: 3 x 12.

One of my personal favorites. This is a perfect line because like #3, it requires no real elaboration. There is absolutely no context in which it isn’t hysterical. 

1 .

“Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with, so the five families are sending their youngest and brightest, their ‘princes,’ as it were to, well, come court the rare Mafia Princess who can belly up to the bar with the big boys.

Spoken by: Veronica Lodge. 

In: 2 x 20. 

This is, in my opinion, the all-timer. Every word is perfect. The rapid-fire alliteration. The use of the word ‘demimonde.’ The entirely unnecessary addition of ‘as it were.’ This is borderline Dr. Seuss. The fact that Camila Mendes delivered it without cracking a smile should have won her an Emmy. No. An Oscar. This line is Riverdale.