#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF

[undermostcorgi]

the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)

[dumdumsun]

Forever and Never

A/N: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this series ❤️ I’ve had so much fun writing this and am very proud of and excited for it, I can’t wait to see how people react to this. Um I know there are plenty of warnings for a first chapter, but I promise it’s not as depressing as it sounds. It’s just that this story can deal with heavy stuff sometimes, so I just wanna let you know that. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, death, sexual assault and mental illness

Word Count: 3194

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One: Hi, My Name Is

“So, what was your time in Pennsylvania like?”

“Uh… I’d have to say it was the best… and worst time of my life.”

“Best and worst, huh? Would you like to elaborate?”

“Well, I, uh… I mean, I don’t really know how to, like… explain it. It’s a lot. I don’t even know where to begin… Or how I would even word it or anything.”

“Well, you told me you like television and movies, right? You know those shows and movies where the main character tells the plot as, like, their life story? Maybe you could try that.”

“You aren’t… You aren’t serious, are you?”

“You’ll know when I’m joking, trust me.”

“Oh… Okay, then. Well, um…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi? My name is… (Y/N)? This is my life story, I guess.

So, if we’re going to talk about my life in Pennsylvania, we’re going to have to start with my life in Kansas, first. I had two loving parents that soon turned into one at the too-young age of nine years, when my mom died. I remember her as one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known. She had this way about her that was so carefree, yet she gave a shit about everything. You could never pin a thought to her because she never let you in on what was bouncing around in her head. She was stubborn and patient and lively. I miss her so much. I don’t usually think about her unless it’s a particularly hectic day, which I then resort to talking to the ring I wear on my left pinky finger at all times. Wasn’t anything special, just some cheap ring with a little emerald inside she found at a thrift store. It used to be hers and she’d wear it on the exact same finger. My dad said she’d want me to have it.

My dad is my favorite person. He isn’t the most… present, though. His mind is never set in one place, always racing with hundreds of unrelated thoughts. It’s why when you finally drag him back into reality, he can’t repeat a single sentence spoken to him. Regardless, he’s all I had for a long time. I never really learned what he does for a living, but I just know that it forces him to leave town sometimes. Well, more like all the time. Before my mom died, it was easy for him to leave for weeks on end, but when he became my only guardian, he didn’t really know what to do with me. It was like he completely forgot how to take care of a child, his child. When I turned twelve, that was when he started travelling again. I would then be home by myself for a month to eight weeks. In these times, I had no choice but to learn to cook for myself, go grocery shopping and housekeep. I became pretty independent at a young age. It wasn’t like Dad left me totally alone, though. He would call every two or three days and he sent me two hundred dollars every two weeks. Like I said, I don’t know what my dad did, but he was definitely getting paid. At the end of eighth grade, Dad had a particularly long trip to go on, so he sent me to Pennsylvania, where his sister lived.

Pennsylvania was partially the best part of my life because of my family. My Aunt Pam was like a second mother to me. She was never able to have another child after my cousin Jacob and she’s always wanted a daughter of her own, so that’s what I was to her. The daughter she could never have. I’d often find her staring at me with a bittersweet smile on her face, watching my every move with a sense of pride, but when I’d ask her what was wrong she’d only brush it off as her admiring me. My Uncle David didn’t necessarily view me as a daughter, but he certainly treated me like one. When he wanted to spend time with Jacob, he included me as well. We’d usually go on drives around the town, but I always fell asleep to the soft and serene music that filled the car from the radio. On the weekends, we would head down by the lake and spend hours learning to fish.

I hated it, but I couldn’t complain. It gave me a sense of certainty to live with a father figure who didn’t leave me alone every two or three months.

Jacob was like a brother to me. He’s a year older than me, which, to him, meant that he had to protect me at all costs. I always assumed it was because he always wanted a younger sibling, and I was the closest he was ever going to get to that. I always felt as though I’d never be able to equal Jacob on an intellectual level because he practically had the IQ of Albert Einstein himself. I felt inferior to him until I found out how much of a joy he really was. On the weekends, he would beg me to accompany him in a movie marathon. I learned that Jacob was a huge fan of Tim Burton (his favorite was Beetlejuice). He’s the only cousin I’ve ever known. Mom and Dad didn’t like each other’s families, so I never met anyone besides this little family. Moving in with them meant that they’d have this huge burden on them.

Yes, I almost forgot to mention that I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. It just means that my mind is flooded with these crazy and unnecessary thoughts and so my behavior is affected by them. For example, if I were to blink and felt I put more pressure on my left eye than my right, I would have to repeatedly wink with my right eye until they felt balanced. Sometimes I can’t enter a room until I have inhaled eight times. If I scratch an itch on my left knee, I have to scratch the right one in the exact same place. At the sink, even if I don’t use both knobs, I have to hold both in my hands. And when I turn them off, I often have to check about four times before I am certain they’re turned off all the way. I know, it sounds tiring. Just imagine being on my end, having it be a part of who you are. I can’t do anything to stop it, I wish I could. I was always afraid to make friends because of this. If I couldn’t be balanced, I’d freeze, and I mean actually stop whatever I’m doing and stand still, until my body felt as if I were balanced once again. Who wouldn’t make fun of me for this?

Apparently, no one gave a shit about it. After moving to Pennsylvania, I made quite a name for myself at school. Literally. My name was Zip. I have no fucking clue how that ridiculous name came to be, but that’s what I went by day after day. One could say I was considered popular, but it wasn’t like I actually spoke to anyone. When it came to extracurriculars, I only participated in theatre. I never was part of the cast, just the stage manager. Secretly, I wanted so badly to audition and be a part of the magic they created on that stage. Not to boast or anything, but I had the talent and potential to be a starring role. But I could never bring myself to break out of my shell. Nonetheless, being stage manager still got me quite the attention. Everyone was always so nice to me, so I felt a little bad for not considering any of them as friends. That was until I met Dina.

Dina was new to our school sophomore year. She had this sort of light to her that attracted the pesky moths that were our dull and boring school body. We had the same social status in school. People liked our personalities, so we were well-liked and accepted without doing much to prove ourselves worthy. She was sweet and compassionate and so fun. I didn’t mean to become her friend, but she was so welcoming, despite being the newcomer. We became close friends, but not best friends. We already had people filling those roles.

Dina’s best friend was Sydney Novak. Sydney moved to Brownsville around the same time as Dina, so the two became best friends quickly, but Sydney wasn’t very popular at all. She was shy and introverted, but I thought she was nice enough. I liked her and thought she was a pretty cool person. We weren’t necessarily friends, we were just well acquainted simply because we were both close with Dina. The transitive property, if you would. I just wish we could’ve talked more, our relationship was pretty much nonexistent.

Speaking of nonexistent relationships, let’s talk about Richard Berry. I honestly don’t want to even think about him, but he played a role in my life that was too vital to just offhandedly mention. For some odd reason, Ricky Berry was absolutely in love with me. It was so obvious to everyone except for me. Sophomore year, he expressed his love through the most arrogant and cheesiest of pick-up lines and compliments. I wasn’t so easily won over, if you could guess. I tried being good friends with him, but he’d always fuck it up when he tried to initiate intimacy. I didn’t want to hold hands with him in the halls or receive “friendly” cheek kisses. I’m not what you would call affectionate, especially towards people I’m not close to. It’s just never been comfortable for me. Junior year, everyone around me was buzzing with excitement when they heard Ricky was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. The cheerleaders, who got to know him through his high school football career, constantly pestered me with reasons as to why I would be so lucky to date The Richard Berry. Granted, he became less of a dick junior year, so I thought, Why not?, and accepted. Being in a relationship with Ricky was the most one-sided… anything I had ever been a part of. He was undeniably enamored with me, but I couldn’t find it in myself to reciprocate those feelings. He would show me off to his family and friends like a trophy, but if someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I’d go, “I mean, yeah. I guess”, so not a very healthy relationship. It also didn’t help that Ricky knew nothing about boundaries.

One night, we were in his bedroom, studying for a science test. Ricky wasn’t focused at all and kept trying to kiss and cuddle with me. I let him for awhile, but then he took my book from me and set it on the ground beside his bed. He suggested we have sex right then and there. Now, I was never a prude and definitely didn’t wait to have sex for the first time, but I never wanted Ricky to be my first. He hadn’t earned enough of my trust to even touch me suggestively. So, of course I refused. Ricky only took that as me teasing him, so he advanced, nearly forcing himself on me. Using all my might, I shoved him off of the bed. He stood to his feet, utterly confused, but I only gathered my things and left his house. He tried following after me, but I ignored him until he turned and went back into his home. The next day at school, he was holding me and kissing me and showing me off to everyone like he always did. As if nothing happened between us the night before. It was difficult to do, since he was so inconsiderate, but I managed to break up with him. He tried to deny that we were Splitsville for about a week, but everyone caught wind of our break-up. Once everyone knew about it, it became true for him. I never really felt comfortable with being intimate or open with guys after that.

Besides with Stanley Barber, of course. Stan was my best friend in the entire world. I told only my deepest, darkest secrets to him. And he told me his. The only things we really had in common were our lack of mothers and our hideous bacne. Stan lived a few houses down and was eager to get to know me a week after I moved in. I’d never met anyone in my life like Stan. He was so awkward, but loveable. I don’t know, I guess he reminded me of my mom. The way he didn’t care, but he so clearly did. Whenever I wanted to talk about something that was difficult to voice, we’d smoke to ease the tension. Of course, this wasn’t how we always communicated. Despite his nervous stuttering, he was easy to open up to. Stan provided a sort of security in my life. He was never going to leave me and that put me at ease when hanging out with him, which we did regularly. I don’t know when exactly I developed a crush on him, but I never wanted it to surface in our bond. He was to never know. It was just a stupid crush, right? He was a guy who wasn’t family and was so unbelievably caring towards me. It was bound to happen, but that didn’t mean he had to be aware of it. Though, it was a little hard to keep such a secret when we’d both made out twice already. The first time was while I was dating Ricky, the kiss was very awkward and ended after about a minute and a half. The second kiss was just half a week after my breakup. That time, we’d both known what we were doing. And I may be a little biased, but you couldn’t have even thought to fake the passion in that makeout session. We never talked about either of those kisses and remained friends both times. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that we didn’t become anything more afterwards. It was for the best, though, because two weeks before spring break, my dad returned from his job in Georgia and moved me to Kansas again. The move was so abrupt that I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to anyone besides my family.

My life in Kansas for the second time was something I’d never want to experience ever again. Since it was a little late in the year, I finished junior year online. For some unexplained reason, my dad had us get new phones and new numbers, so I lost all contact with my friends. I had no one to talk to and it wasn’t like my dad paid much attention to me. I remember spending every waking moment with him when I was younger, talking or playing games or watching television. It used to be so fun being his daughter, but when we moved back to Kansas, I just felt like this huge burden in his life. Our relationship was strained and he clearly had other priorities in his life. Like whatever he left back in Georgia. I’d see his phone ring and the same number from that state would pop up before he’d leave the room and privately talk with whoever. It wasn’t the secrecy that was off-putting to me, it was the fact that it was so much more important to him. Once again, I was ignored by the one person in my life I wanted to spend the most time with. So, you can imagine the joy I felt when Dad had to go back to Georgia for work. I had been attending public school for my senior year and left not even a full month in. It didn’t bother me, I had no friends and nothing to leave behind. Mid-September was when I moved back to Brownsville with Aunt Pam. Everyone accepted me right back in. Especially my classmates. As I walked the halls I heard whispers like,

“Oh, my god, is that Zip?”

“Zip’s back! Where’d she even go?”

“I thought she died.”

The only person I really wanted to notice me was Stan. I missed him so much, I even got into his favorite band to have something to remember him by. I remember the day I got back to my aunt’s house. Jacob had picked me up from the airport and was driving me to the house. He was attending community college, but was still living with his parents. As we drove, he tapped his index fingers rhythmically to the shitty pop music that played on the radio. “So, what are you excited about for senior year?”

“Not much, I just missed Dina and Stan. Theatre, too. I wonder how they’ve been doing without me.” I chuckled. Jacob huffed in amusement.

“But you didn’t miss Ricky?”

“Fuck, Jake, you know I didn’t miss him for a second.” I frowned, waving my hand in dismissal. My cousin tauntingly laughed at me. Had he actually known about what happened between Ricky and I, he wouldn’t have teased me. In fact, Ricky wouldn’t even be alive that day if Jacob found out. No one knew about the incident, not even Stan.

Pulling up in front of the house, we got out of the car and headed to the trunk to pull out my bags. I tried carrying them in, but Jacob insisted that he do all the heavy lifting and simply asked me to carry my backpack and close the trunk. I did what little I was asked of and headed to the front door to greet my aunt and uncle inside, but stopped. In the corner of my eye, I saw movement from the Barber residence. Turning, my eyes locked on Stanley, who was frozen beside his car. He was wearing his work uniform and staring at me with the most bewildered expression on his face. It was like he thought himself to be hallucinating my existence. Smiling, I simply waved at him before walking back inside. When he got home from work that night, he headed over to my house and knocked on the door. I answered with a grin on my face. “Stan!”

“If it isn’t the famous Zip, showing back up in my life.”

“Ugh, do not call me that.” I rolled my eyes playfully before bringing him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin at the top of my head. I would’ve stayed there all night if I could’ve. When Stanley pulled away, my heart hollowed and a pit formed within my stomach. I felt unfinished, unbalanced. And I hate imbalance. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I accepted his offer. All we did was lay on his floor, listen to music and get high, but in that moment, that’s all I needed.

Bloodwitch, a joint, and Stan laying by my side.

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Taglist: @melinda-hargreeves @sapphicsyn @stqnley @lonely-kermit

[dhwty-writes]

A Touchy One

Is this incredibly self-indulgent? Yes. Am I posting this anyways? Also yes! I dug this up somewhere in my WIP folder and decided this deserves to be finished.

This is the first thing I've posted in forever, and I know (and am sorry) that it's no OWBABH update (that will come, too, I promise), but take this in the meantime. I am finally feeling like writing again, so here's to hoping I won't take as long next time. Have fun reading!

Summary:  The bard is a touchy one, which is an odd travel companion to have, especially for a witcher. It isn't that Geralt minds so much as that he startled terribly the first time it happened.

Or: how two people, who do not like being touched learn to enjoy each other's closeness, featuring a sex-repulsed Jaskier and our resident grumpy witcher.

Warnings: none, as far as I’m aware

Read on AO3

The bard is a touchy one, which is an odd travel companion to have, especially for a witcher. It isn't that Geralt minds so much as that he startled terribly the first time it happened.

It has been scarcely more than a brush of his fingertips across his forearm, but still Geralt did jump and scoot away as if burned. He even faintly remembers growling quietly, although he's not quite sure if that was a later addition of his mind. He distinctly remembers the surprised, and slightly hurt expression on Jaskier's face, though.

After that, there has been no touching for quite some time. Until one night, when Geralt returned from a contract too tired to rid himself of his armour and simply flopped face down onto the bed in the inn they were staying at. Jaskier drew close, hesitantly hovering at his side, one hand extended. "May I?" he asked quietly.

The bard patiently waited for his grunt of approval, before hauling him upright, deftly unbuckling his armour and putting it away. Geralt was half asleep during the whole process, leaning his forehead against Jaskier's shoulder, while fighting the urge to pull him close.

The bard is a touchy one, and although that seemed odd and startled Geralt in the beginning, it now is the most natural thing in the world. Because the thing is, the bard isn't necessarily a touchy one. He is a spacey one. Comes with the profession, he guesses.

Wherever Jaskier goes, he brings a stage with him, announcing his presence with loud songs and colours as well as grand gestures, uncaring for other people's opinions. It is only natural, that with every other spread of his arms he brushes against someone. And it's also mostly natural that, as his travelling companion, those touches mostly reach Geralt.

Just as natural as touching him in return. In fact, it is the most natural thing in the world. There is seldom a moment when the bard isn't touching him, be it a hand on his forearm, an elbow nudging his side, or his dirty feet in his lap. And it isn't as if the bard is the only one to initiate that kind of intimacy. Geralt delights in throwing an arm around his friend's shoulder, steadying him with a reassuring hand on his back after he had too much to drink, or wrestling him into a river. He especially delights in waking up cuddled close to his bard, their limbs and scents intertwining, both of them too lazy to start the day.

He can't remember when that had started, if he's quite honest. He thinks it was maybe five years after they first met, that they arrived at an inn tired and battered, as well as soaking wet from the thunderstorm outside only to discover that there was only one bed left.

After tucking the witcher into bed, the bard threatened to slip from his grasp. "Jaskier," Geralt slurred after a failed attempt to grab his wrist.

"Yes, dear witcher?"

"C'me 'ere." Geralt doesn't quite remember the motion accompanied by his words, too much asleep for that already, but according to Jaskier he made 'grabby hands'. Despite that embarrassing escapade, the bard beamed and indulged him, slipping into the single bed next to him and cradling him tight to his chest. Geralt never slept so soundly in his entire life.

 He thought that he would mind, if he is honest. He never liked anyone invading his space before, and Jaskier is nothing if not invading. It took them a bit to establish some boundaries, to find out what made the other snarl and pull back or vanish come morning. Geralt doesn't like his potions to be messed with and Jaskier is very protective of his notebook. Geralt prefers to be cuddled instead of doing the cuddling part and Jaskier allows no hands from his hips to his knees, although he doesn't mind waking up with Geralt draped over him from chest to toe.

Other taboos soon soften until they are abandoned completely. Like the bag-sharing ban, for example, or clothes. In the first few months of cuddles and touches, Jaskier enacted his strict shirts-and-pants-required-policy with vigour, only to be the one to ultimately forego it. Geralt still smiles at the memory.

It was an especially hot summer, maybe a decade into their acquaintance and Geralt just wrestled the bard into a clear creek. They were sodding wet, Jaskier huffing indignantly, in nothing but their smallclothes, too lazy to dry off if the sun was about to do the work anyways. Seeing him standing there, shaking his wet hair, his hands on his hips, did something funny to Geralt's stomach. As if it dropped and lifted at the same time.

Before knew what he was doing, he tossed Jaskier his clothes. "Get dressed," he ordered gruffly and spread his arms, "and come here."

Jaskier looked at the garments in his hands and sneered. "Oh, fuck no," he spat out. "You want a hug, Geralt of Rivia?" He threw the dirty clothes back at him and spread his arms. "Come and get it."

Geralt let them hit him. Although that also might have been the shock of Jaskier so readily abolishing his most adamant requirement. "You sure?"

"Yes, I'm bloody sure, you daft witcher. Now come here before I dry and start melting again."

Geralt has never been so quick to comply to a request. He lunged to tackle Jaskier to the ground, happily sprawling across him until they were both sweaty again. He was shoved off unceremoniously and then coerced into another bath in the river.

That night they didn't bother to get dressed either. Not when setting up their camp next to the creek, not when Jaskier got out his lute, not when Geralt started cooking their dinner. Certainly not when going to sleep.

Maybe it ought to feel weird. It's a weird thing to embrace your friend like a lover, is it not? It didn't, though. It doesn't. In fact, it feels like most natural thing in the world.

The bard is a touchy one. But that is not the reason why he is odd. The reason why he is odd, is his reaction to being touched in turn. He often startles and pulls away, just like Geralt has.

They are lying in bed one evening, entangled like they always are, Jaskier on Geralt's chest (the bard insisted they swap for once), Geralt carding his fingers through his bard's hair. There was a performance, earlier that day, and Jaskier made the acquaintance of a nice-looking gentleman. Geralt resigned himself already to the fact that he would go to bed alone that night.

But then, the man reached out to place a hand on Jaskier's knee. The bard froze up and a moment later he was plastered against his witcher's side, insisting they go to bed. It is a strange behaviour, although not the first time he has seen Jaskier react that way. The question burns on his tongue and, of course, Jaskier notices.

"What is it?"

Geralt tenses beneath him. Fifteen years and still not brave enough to ask. "Hm."

"Don't be daft," the bard chides, "we both know something's on your mind. Out with it."

There's no evading a determined bard, Geralt discovered that a long time ago. "You... don't like to be touched," he notices. Which is an odd thing to say to the half-naked man sprawled across his chest, with his ankles hooked around his calves. But they are odd people and an odd pair, so that's neither here nor there.

He is quiet for a long time. Such a long time, in fact, that Geralt feels the need to check with a quiet "Jaskier?" if he hasn't fallen asleep.

"Hm," the bard replies quietly. "That's not strictly true."

"Not strictly untrue either."

Jaskier sighs with a resignation of a man who knows he cannot hide, but doesn't particularly want too either. Still, it takes him a long time to reply: "I don't mind the touching. I... am not a great fan of what comes after."

Geralt freezes, his fingers tangled in Jaskier's hair, trying and failing to decipher that statement. "What comes after?"

"Oh, you know..." Jaskier makes a very illustrative gesture.

"Ah." Yes, he knows what comes after. He is, in fact, a great fan of what comes after. "You mean you don't like men?"

"Oh no, don't get me wrong. I like men and women well enough, just... not in my bed."

He frowns and looks down again at the man sprawled across his chest who must surely notice his heart beating rapidly. "Jaskier..."

"Hm?"

"I'm in your bed."

"Yes, I know, but that's different. I don't like them naked in my bed."

"Jaskier," he says again, glancing down at their almost naked bodies pressed together.

"Oh, shut up, you great oaf," he hisses and grins. "You know what I mean. And you're... different."

"Hm. Why?"

"I don't know." Jaskier sighs and pushes his hair out of his face. "You just are. Never tried to shove your dick into me, for starters. Or tried to coax me to shove my dick into you."

He shrugs. "Never thought you'd be interested."

"I'm not. Are you?"

He shrugs again. "Does it matter, if you aren't?"

"I guess it doesn't. Still, are you?"

"Jaskier," he chides softly and does his best not to squirm under his inquisitive gaze. But the bard is unrelenting. Geralt sighs and raises his eyebrows as he answers. "You... are a very attractive man. I would gladly suck your cock, or let you suck mine, if you were so inclined. Seeing as you aren't... I would rather refrain from it, if it's all the same to you." He smiled and splayed his fingers over Jaskier's shoulder. "I assure you, not the most proficient cocksucking in the world could grant me greater bliss than I am in right now. There is nothing in the world that could persuade me to give up what we have, especially not something as insignificant as a roll in the hay."

"Oh." Jaskier's shoulders sag and for a moment Geralt fears he's said something wrong. But then a bright smile spreads on his bard's face that is mirrored by his own a moment later. "That's a relief. And thank you. I guess."

Geralt snorts, amused. "You're welcome." After a moment of silence, he adds: "Jaskier? You're different for me, too."

"I am?" The bard beams at him. "How so?"

He has to be exhausted. Or drunk. Or both. There is no other explanation for the next words that leave his mouth. "Because I love you," he hears himself say, to his own mortification.

But Jaskier just smiles and closes his eyes. "Oh," he breathes and languidly squirms closer, like a cat basking in the sun. Then, after a mortifying moment that feels like an eternity, with Geralt's heart thundering in his chest, he replies: "I love you, too, Geralt of Rivia."

He breathes out, relieved, and opts for holding his bard tighter. That's always a good option. It just feels right to share their space and share their silence. Natural. 

He's not sure how long the quiet lasts before, for once, he's the one to break it: "Are we lovers?" Geralt asks suddenly, the question that has been occupying his mind for the past few minutes.

Jaskier sleepily blinks up at him. "Do you want us to be? I'm sure you could find a person better—"

"No, I don't think so," he interrupts him without hesitating.

Jaskier smiles again and it's a sweet expression, one that makes his heart speed up and his face go soft. "If we were lovers, Geralt...," he says after a while, "what would that mean for us?"

"You mean, what would change?"

"Yes."

"Hm." He gives him a long glance. "You said you are averse to naked people in your bed."

"I am," Jaskier confirms. 

"Are you also averse to clothed people kissing you?"

Geralt feels stupid while asking it. Apparently, it is very stupid, for Jaskier immediately starts laughing. "No, my dear," he replies after having calmed down, "I am not averse to clothed people kissing me."

"In that case, I would like to kiss you from time to time."

"Like when?" Jaskier props himself up on an elbow and his lips curl into a different smile, one that's more teasing, more flirtatious than the soft expression before.

"Like now," he says before he can change his mind. 

Jaskier hums and reaches out slowly, so that he cups Geralt's face with his hand, tracing his cheekbone with his thumb. Then, he leans in, just as slowly, and presses his lips to the witcher's in a sweet kiss. 

"Good?" Geralt asks when he pulls away.

"Good," Jaskier confirms. 

"Good." He allows himself to smile as well, bright and unguarded like his bard taught him, and pulls him against his chest again. Once they're settled, he says, feeling a little silly: "I suppose I would also like a love poem or two, master poet."

"Oh, Geralt." Jaskier smooths a hand down his side and feels around until he finds Geralt's hand and can interlace their fingers. "Are you so daft as not to realise that each and every one of my poems for you's a love poem?" he mumbles and presses a kiss to his knuckles.

Warmth spreads in his chest again and he smiles. "I had hoped," he replies and returns the gesture, "but I did not dare to presume." After a moment he adds: "Thank you."

"Always, love," Jaskier replies. "Now go to sleep. I'm knackered."

Feeling relieved and relaxed, holding his bard—his lover!— close, Geralt does.

The bard is a touchy one. And an odd one, although not for his relationship to touches. He's an odd one for loving a witcher. But said witcher is an odd and touchy one as well, so it's alright. In fact, it is the most natural thing in the world.

[hatsukeii]

@justanne Ilysm you know that right

This is the best idea I’ve gotten in a while

Pixel hearts // Kenma Kozume x Reader

Word count: 2.1k+

Warnings: Cursing, but nothing more because this is a crackpot of fluff

Summary: It all started with a pixel heart, and the rest was chaos.

“Dude, hold on, I’ll send you a heart.”

“Waiwaiwait why? Those are way too hard to earn, pudding-chan you don’t have to!”

The class was dead silent, the classroom filled with boredom as students listened to their literature teacher ramble on about some Shakespearean bullshit. Kenma’s classmates paid no mind to the blond as he fiddled away on his switch, earphones in. Literature was boring enough on its own, however it was simply a pain in the ass to have the oldest, most physically crippled teacher on campus teach them. There was no doubt Kenma wouldn’t listen in class. He had other resources that could help him ace this subject like he always did anyway. What mattered more, was his farm that he had spent months building. In order to maintain its pristine condition, he had to water the crops, feed the animals, clean out the stables, furnish the barn, then visit other farms to collect social points, all while fending off critters and monsters from his own. It was quite the hectic schedule for sure, but in the end, it was all worth it.

“Bear-san, take it as a way of me sending my never ending love to you.”

Blushing, you peeked up from your lap, scanning your eyes around the classroom. Almost everyone had their nose in their phones scrolling through social media, texting each other, even watching some... interesting stuff. Your math teacher looked completely uninterested, sitting at her desk as she marked papers, not even sparing a glance at the students. The class was supposed to complete the entire worksheet that was on the projector screen, yet no one seemed to even have something as basic as a pencil in hand. Pressing your earbud deeper into your ear, you gulped down a mouthful of saliva, praying not to be seen with your console under your desk. Seeing the red pixel heart pop up on the screen, your actual heart melted, a dorky smile plastered on your face. Pudding-chan was always a nice person, gifting you with crops and animals, and this time a heart, the hardest known currency to earn in game, accompanied by his flirty way with words.

“Ah, I can already feel the blooming love in my heart, oh dear, please catch me when I fall-”

“What on Earth do you think you’re doing in my math class young (Y/N)?”

Fuck.

Stopping in the middle of your sentence, your heart dropped as you peered up, only to be met with the furious, unrelenting glare of your math teacher. Other students stared, their phones suddenly gone as if they were never using it in the first place. A couple of boys snickered from the next row, earning an irritated look from your extremely annoyed teacher. In your ear, you could hear Pudding-chan’s voice, now laced with concern. You mentally apologised for not being able to respond with your fuming math teacher confiscating your console.  

“Bear-san? Is everything okay?”

All he heard was a yell, before you were disconnected from the discord call. Cold sweat gathering at his temples, he thought of all the worst case scenarios. Were you kidnapped? Did your family take your console away and beat you? Oh shit, were you in an abusive relationship? Crap, were you being arrested? Was he never going to see you online again? Were you leaving him forever? This wasn’t the usual Kenma who was calm, analytical, and collected. You were the only other friend he had apart from Kuroo, there was no way he wasn’t worried out of his mind. The bell rang from the speaker across the classroom, signalling the end of class for students. Shoving the switch back into his bag, he grabbed his phone. Your status on discord now replaced with a grey circle, Kenma sighed in distress. Maybe you were just taking a break from gaming. Wait, that wasn’t a good thing either. Who was he going to game with then? You were the only person that managed to appeal to him in game, if you weren’t there, he’d be all alone in the world of Chubby Cows. He wanted you to stay with him. He knew he only enjoyed this dumb game because he was only able to talk to you whilst playing the game. If he lost you, he would seriously consider quitting the game and just never gaming again. He was about to sling his bag over his shoulder, when his teacher’s voice rang through the classroom.

“Class, we will be conducting a compulsory bag check. Students, please kindly unzip your bags and stand behind your chairs with your hands on your desk.”

Kenma’s eyes widened at the tricky situation that dawned upon him. Gaming devices were strictly prohibited in Nekoma High. He was only able to hide the switch from his teachers for so long because they never conducted bag checks. However, now that his console was comfily stuffed in his bag, there was no running from his inevitable outcome. Their literature teacher circled the classroom, checking every bag thoroughly. Not one tiny pocket was left unchecked. Teetering back and forth, the teen fidgeted with his fingers, watching as the teacher looked into the biggest pocket of his bag. Remembering that he put his switch in a hidden pocket of the bag, he sighed in relief. Squinting, the old man shuffled around his belongings, before walking away without any suspicions. 

That was when a notification decided to pop up on the console.

Hearing the cheery chime of the notification, the teacher looked back, digging his hand in and checking through Kenma’s bag again. The man harshly unzipped the hidden pocket, pulling out the red and blue switch. The class landed their eyes upon the blond, occasionally giggling at how bad Kenma fucked up this time.

“Mr. Kozume, what is the meaning of this?”

“Sorry.”

The bald teacher cradled his face in his hands, never once letting go of the console.

“That won’t be enough. Detention after school in the principal’s office with me. Don’t expect to get your console back if you even think about skipping it.”

“Yes, Mr. Nakamura.”

Zipping his bag shut, the blond pulled the strap over his shoulder, before grabbing his phone.

Familiar numbers were dialled on the screen as Kenma held the device up to his ear. 

“Yello- Oh, Kenma? What’s up buddy?”

“Hey Kuroo, I can’t come to practice today, sorry.”

From the other end of the line, Kuroo perked his brow.

“Huh? Why is that?”

“Mr. Nakamura found my switch. I have detention after school, so I’m gonna have to skip for today. Sorry.”

Sighing, the third year smiled softly, rolling his eyes a bit.

“As expected from Kenma Kozume, the game addicted teen. I’ll see you tomorrow, and don’t worry about practice.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

With that, Kenma ended the call, before grabbing his stuff and leaving in a frenzy. 

“Ah, young (Y/N), take a seat next to Mr. Kozume.”

You rolled your eyes, slamming your backpack onto the desk as you gave the old teacher a stink eye. Just mere hours ago, you were happily gaming with your online love interest- no, friend. Now, you had to sit through another two hours of nothing but schoolwork. From next to you, Kenma sunk in his seat, completely done with everything that had to do with this day. The both of you stayed silent, waiting for Mr. Nakamura to say something.

“Both of you are to finish the work missed during your maths and literature lesson respectively. If you finish before two hours, you shall stay in this room until the time is up.”

Groaning out of frustration, the two of you went to grab your worksheets from the teacher’s desk, before heading back to your seats and plopping down. Sneering at the jumble of algebra and equations that awaited solving, you ripped a pencil out of your pencil case, starting on the questions. Oh you were gonna finish it. You were gonna finish it at such a terrifyingly quick pace that your pencil would break. Anything to shy away from the horror that is maths. It didn’t matter if you still had to sit there for another hour or two, just anything to stop the torture.

“Yo.”

The pencil lead beneath you snapped in half as you stopped abruptly. Looking to your right, you were met with a pair of golden irises.

“What’re you here for?”

Shuddering at the memory, you composed yourself before answering, head hanging low in embarrassment.

“I got caught playing video games in class, you?”

Chuckling to himself, Kenma didn’t even wait to reply.

“Hm, seems like we’re both in similar situations. Mr. Nakamuda over there found my switch in my bag during the bag check. What game were you playing?”

“U-uh-”

You stuttered upon your own words. How were you supposed to tell him you played some stupid game like Chubby Cows? He was cute, definitely, and you didn’t want to look like a tasteless idiot in front of him. First impressions matter, you know? How were you going to explain that you had no friends in real life, but only had one close friend (that mind you, you were kind of whipped for) in game? Was he going to think you were a pathetic loner? Oh god, was he going to spread rumours about you being a basic weirdo-

“So what game was it?”

To hell with it.

“Chubby...Chubby Cows... PLEASE DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME, I SWEAR I’LL DO ANYTHING JUST DON’T TELL PEOPLE PLEASE THEY’RE ALL GONNA THINK I’M STUPID AND CHILDISH AND-”

Kenma’s eyes lit up as he took in this new information.

“Chubby Cows? You play it too? Oh my god, and I thought I was the only one in this school that played it! Too bad, I only have one friend ingame, or I’d be able to start my own cult!”

Responding with just as much enthusiasm, you rambled on, Kenma listening to every single word.

“Oh my god! Yes! It’s so underrated! Deadass it’s kinda dumb but like it’s so cute! I also have a friend in the game, he’s super cool, you should add me and we can play together sometime! It’s gonna be so much fun if you, me, and him started a cult together! Add me, what’s your username?”

You grabbed your notebook and a coloured pen, ready to jot everything down.

“Oh, mine’s puddingheadboy, what about yours?”

You let out a gasp, surprising Kenma. This was him? This was the one person you’ve been playing with all along? He was right in front of your nose the whole time? 

“Wait... pudding-chan?”

Furrowing his brows in confusion, Kenma tilted his head, waiting for you to explain.

“Wow, a nickname already? That’s what my friend calls me too-”

“DUDE! IT’S ME! BEAR-SAN! HOLY SHIT, YOU WERE IN NEKOMA ALL ALONG, HOW COULD I HAVE NOT GUESSED?”

The blond’s eyes widened in realisation as a grin spread across his face.

“Wait, you’re bearoncrack? Seriously?”

“YEAH!”

Kenma could not believe what he was hearing and neither could you. To think that fate somehow brought the two of you together was absolutely insane. Who would’ve thought that the world was such a small place? The two of you were practically shaking with excitement at this revelation, when Mr. Nakamura decided to ruin the mood.

“What are the two of you clambering over? There’s still thirty minutes to go, zip it and get to work.”

Rolling your eyes, you continued to work on the worksheets. This dude was a literature teacher? Seriously? He really just used the word clamber wrong, what a dunce. You were only halfway through the pile of math worksheets that was presented in front of your desk, but holy shit were you feeling absolutely fantastic now that you finally found out who your online friend of half a year was in real life. Feeling a piece of paper hit your head, you glanced towards the floor to see a crumpled paper ball. Picking it up, you read the contents of the note.

“(Y/N), right? I’m Kenma.”

Smiling to yourself, you grabbed your pencil, writing “Yeah, it’s great to finally meet you pudding-chan.” Under his text, before folding the paper back into an airplane and throwing it back at the blond. Seeing your response, Kenma went a light shade of pink, goofily smiling as he wrote something down hastily. You bit your lip in anticipation waiting for his response. To your excitement, you received a reply almost moments later, this time the ball of paper landing on your worksheet instead of the side of your head.

“I was wondering if you wanna go out sometime, I can’t wait to get to know you better, internet buddy Bear-san:D Maybe that way I can send you a pixel heart in real life><”

Tags:

@sunshines-and-tatertots @izzyphantomgamer @just-another-bored-writer @burnt-snot​ @bokutokoutarou​ @trashcanweeb​ @tiger1719​ @justachillgirl​ @inlwlevi​ @talks-a-lot-of-stuff​ @random-fandomlover​ @kaylacinderella​ @agentvicinity​ @sakusasgarbage​ @skyeackermans​ @ewfilthymundane​ @poppirocks​ @eleiaisagoodgirliswear​ @tiredgr3mlin​ @kuroo-thought-of-a-better-un​ @macaronnv​ @mariechan123​ @artsamber​ @itmekisuu​ @emsvegetables​ @sneezefiction​ @shoutsukii​ @xonfusedsoul​ @burnt-snot​ @iwaigroomi @swingflamingoat

Feel free to comment to be added to the taglist:3

Waaaaa Anne I hope you’re happy lmaoo 

Btw I hope you enjoyed reading this thing and if this flops oh my god I will cry thank you have a great night.

This goes in the short kings clan:3

[viktorrotkiv]

Every Single Flavor of Feeling

Hey @impossiblyizzy ​, here is my gift to you for the @b99fandomevents​ Summer 2021 Fic Exchange.

I picked the prompt “A coffee shop AU revolving around the impending closing of the coffee shop - can include a ship if you want but I’m always happy just seeing the squad as friends!” I played around with the prompt slightly, really hope you don’t mind <3

Rating: G

Words: 2.6k

Read on AO3

Jake crossed the street towards the coffee shop, a piece of paper in his hands, looking glum. Gina watched him from behind the counter, polishing mugs in preparation for the shop opening in forty minutes.

Jake was late, as usual. They were both supposed to be there an hour before opening time. But as he pushed the door open, sending the bell dinging, he looked too sad to reprimand. “Hey, G.”

“Hey, Jake.” Gina warily put the mug down. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Jake looked around the shop helplessly, his gaze blank. “Um, what do you need me to do?”

Gina decided not to push him. Jake always talked eventually. “You can turn everything on.”

Jake lumbered around the shop, preheating the ovens for the frozen pastries they made each morning, turning on the coffee machines and the milk frother, setting up the AC.

*

Forty-five minutes later, Gina and Jake shared their mandatory start-of-work cinnamon bun. Stuffing the last sticky bite into his mouth, Jake seemed somewhat cheered up.

“So…” Gina picked at her half of the pastry, savoring it. “Are you going to tell me what that is?” She pointed at the paper Jake had been holding, just visible over the side of his bag.

Jake took a big breath. “Yeah, I guess I should. I, uh…”

The bell dinged again, signaling the first customer’s arrival.

“Later, then. I promise.” Jake put on his cheerful customer face and manned the register.

*

At the end of every shift they had together, Jake and Gina tossed a coin to decide who would do the good part of cleanup and who got the bad parts. Mopping the floors and wiping the table was of course on the good list, since you could pretend the mop was a microphone and dance around. Cleaning the ovens and coffee machines was bad, since you had to crouch and sometimes your clothes got dirty.

Today, Gina was slightly happy that she got the bad chores. Two minutes sliding around on the wet floors and Jake’s mood would be improved. By the time he got to the tables, he would talk.

“G.” She was right. Jake cleared his throat before continuing. “I have some news. I, uh, I passed the last of the tests. I graduate from the police academy next week.”

Gina straightened up so fast that she banged her head against the oven’s ceiling, but she was so excited she could hardly feel it. “That’s amazing! Jake! Why have you been moping around all day?”

Jake had his back to her, so she couldn’t see his face, but she could hear his voice breaking. “It’s just… It’s the first thing we’re not doing together since… since gym classes were separated into boys and girls in middle school. Remember how devastated we were? And this is so much bigger.” He sniffled. “G, we’ve done everything together. Elementary school, middle school, high school, now this job. I went through the police academy alone, but I still saw you here all the time. What am I supposed to do without you?” He finally turned to look at her, eyes wet.

Gina dropped everything she was holding and ran to hug Jake, banging her ribs against the counter in her urgency. “Jakey, who knew you were so sweet and sentimental?”

“Ew. No. No, Gina, get off of me. You’re covered in oven gunk! Gina!” Jake leaped back and crashed into a table. Rubbing his lower back, he glowered at Gina, but he couldn’t stay mad at her for long.

Gina took a step back and adopted a rare serious expression. “You’ll be fine. You’re one of the smartest, bravest, best people I know.” Her gaze turned mischievous. “And I know a lot of people. Because actually the first thing we didn’t do together was me being popular in high school, and you weren’t. And you got through that.”

“Hey! Not nice.” Jake punched her shoulder half-heartedly, but he was clearly touched. “Thanks, Gina. But it’s still going to be sad leaving you.”

“I got an idea.”

“Why do you have an extra evil spark of joy in your eyes?”

“We are going to pull the best, grandest, most fuck-with-their-minds pranks you have ever seen before you leave.”

Jake’s eyes lit up with a similar passion. “Let’s brainstorm most prank-able coworkers.”

*

The first prank didn’t go as planned.

Gina kicked Jake behind the counter. “Here he comes,” she hissed.

“Yes, Gina, I can see that. I am also facing the door.” Jake turned back towards the entrance. “Hey, Mike! I just made us some coffee before the customers start coming in. Do you want anything?”

Mike was a little bit confused, but not enough to raise suspicion. Sure, Gina and Jake mostly only spoke to each other, but they were nice enough when they needed to talk to him. “Um, yeah, thanks. I’ll just take a cappuccino.”

“Cool. Cool cool cool. Um, unrelated, can you please go tidy the back room?”

With Mike definitively out of sight, Jake proceeded to pour a shot of every single flavor in the shop into his cup. “Gina, he’s not allergic to anything, right?”

“Who cares?”

“Gina!”

“Fine, yeah, I looked at his personnel file. He’s not allergic to anything. Ooh, but I heard him say he hates blueberries, pump in a bunch of that.”

Jake finished making the coffee and went to find Mike in the back room. “Here, this is yours.”

“Thanks, Jake.” Mike sipped. “Mm. I love having coffee this early in the morning.”

“Notice anything… special?” Jake glanced back at Gina, who shrugged.

“No. Not really. It’s really good.”

“Oh. That’s, uh, great. I was worried because the… uh… milk is almost expired. Glad to hear that it’s not.” Jake backed out of the room slowly and looked at Gina, bewildered.

Gina whispered, “What did you do?”

“Nothing! It had every single possible flavor in the shop! It should taste gross! Way too sweet and completely mismatched.” Jake glanced towards the back room. “We’ve gotta taste that.”

Gina nodded. “Hey, Mike, can you help me with the oven?” She glanced at Jake and waved her hand at him. “Scram!”

Mike emerged from the back room, holding his coffee. “Sure. What do you need?”

“These trays are too heavy for me to put in by myself. Here, take this side.”

“Sure.” Mike placed his coffee on the counter and bent down to help Gina. He didn’t notice Jake sneaking back in from the bathroom and picking up his coffee. Jake sniffed it, shrugged, and took a sip. His look of surprise almost made Gina drop her side of the tray.

“Thanks, Mike.”

“Sure thing, Gina. Oh, Jake, you almost gave me a heart attack. Didn’t see you there.” Mike picked up the coffee and walked away.

Gina motioned for Jake to come closer. “So?”

“It was so disappointing. All the flavors cancel each other out and it just tastes like regular coffee.”

Gina started giggling, which soon turned into full-on stomach-hurting, tear-bringing laughter. “I mean, that wasn’t the plan at all, but you’ve gotta admit that’s kind of hilarious.”

Jake started laughing too, mostly at Gina’s amusement. “I guess. “But, oh, I was so looking forward to seeing his face when he took that first disgusting sip…”

*

The second prank was much more successful.

A few days later, in the middle of a shift, Gina pulled Jake aside. “I have our next idea. So, you know how Tina is always talking about how she can’t live without caffeine, but every Thursday she makes herself a decaf at the end of her shift.”

“Of course I know! It’s the biggest mystery ever. I’ve been dying to ask her for months, but she’s such a bitch.”

“Well, I figured it out.” Gina smiled very smugly. “Every Thursday, her boyfriend asks her to hang out with his boring friends. And she tells him she’s too tired from work. And since she doesn’t get her outrageous amount of caffeine on Thursdays, she falls asleep on the couch, and he has no choice but to let her stay home.”

“Hold on, how do you know all of this?”

“Yesterday she complained to me about how her boyfriend only does boring things, and then she made me follow her puppy’s Instagram account. Her boyfriend comments on almost every post, and since he’s insanely hot, I started following him. Every Thursday he posts a super embarrassing picture of her drooling on the couch, captioned something sappy like ‘my adorable girlfriend works so hard!’, and an hour later—”

“Aww, that’s actually sweet.”

“It’s disgusting, Jake. Anyway, around an hour later he always starts posting pictures with his friends at the least Tina-like places ever. Sports bars, bowling alleys, restaurants that only serve fried chicken, no wonder she never wants to go out with him.”

Jake’s eyes lit up with understanding. “So tomorrow…”

“We’re going to graciously offer to make her coffee.”

“And not use decaf.”

“And she won’t fall asleep embarrassingly early for a grown woman.”

“And then she won’t have any excuse not to hang out with her super boring boyfriend.”

“You got it, Jake!”

“You’re a genius, Gina.”

*

“You okay, Tina?” Jake was behind the counter, and his coworker was clearly getting ready to leave.

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay. I was just going to make myself a coffee and, uh... leave.” She wasn’t really sure why Jake was talking to her.

“Oh, I could make it for you. I’m already on coffee duty.”

“Really?” Tina smiled absentmindedly. “Um, yeah, thanks. Decaf.”

“I know.” Jake turned to Gina, who was restocking the pastry display, and gave her a ridiculously exaggerated wink. She shot him a look that clearly meant, ‘Calm the fuck down.’

Tina was thankfully distracted on her phone, and Jake made her coffee with no hitches, sending her on her way with a cheerful “Good day!” and getting a confused and slightly snarky look in return, as if she had somehow tricked him into making her a drink.

“Now we wait.”

“Woah, G, don’t sneak up on me like that. But yes. Now we cross our fingers and wait.”

*

“Jake!” The next morning, Gina burst into the shop waving her phone excitedly. “Jake, it worked! Look!”

She held her phone uncomfortably close to Jake’s face, but he could clearly make out a picture of a group of guys at a dark and sticky bar, all smiling goofy grins and drinking the most boring beer brands. And, smack dab in the middle of the group, Tina, grimacing.

“It worked!” Jake’s eyes lit up.

“I know! That’s what I said. And guess what! She just called me and said she was going to be late and asked if I could cover for her– because she has a massive hangover. She started telling me how you must be too dumb to find the decaf coffee because she had clearly asked for it. It was hilarious.”

Jake grinned. “Well, I can stand being called stupid by Tina, of all people. Especially since I’ll be gone soon.” He seemed to realize what he had just said and drooped slightly.

“We’re in denial, Jake. Denial. Now go back to work.”

*

The third and final prank was the most preposterous, and arguably the meanest.

A week before Jake was supposed to leave, he and Gina noticed that one of their coworkers, Brian, only had shifts with either one or both of them for the entire week.

“We’re going to pretend we don’t know him. At all. Be confused when he comes in, be baffled when he goes behind the counter. Eventually concede and let him help out, but don’t acknowledge that he’s always worked here.”

“Gina, that’s insane.” Jake was seriously worried about whatever hellscape Gina was going to put their coworkers through when he left.

“Fine. Then we’ll just convince him everyone else was fired and it’s going to be the three of us from now on.”

Jake considered this. “Okay. But if he threatens to quit or anything I’m going to tell him the truth.”

“Gosh, you’re boring. But fine.”

*

“Hey, Brian. How are you dealing with everything?”

“Hey, Jake! What everything?”

Jake tried to keep hold of his serious expression and kept on cleaning the counter. “You know. It’s going to be so much busier now.”

Brian put his bag down tentatively on a chair and started putting on his apron. “Why?”

Jake stared at him. “You’re joking, right? It’s just us and Gina now.”

“Oh, you mean today!” Brian chuckled and stepped behind the counter to help Jake.

Jake finally stopped wiping. “No, I mean from now on.” He lowered his voice and leaned in conspiratorially. “Didn’t anyone tell you? They let everyone else go. Everyone.” He added in an even quieter voice: “Budget cuts.”

Brian became red, then white. “Are you serious?”

Jake was starting to feel bad, but he kept going for his best friend. “Yup. So, how many shifts can you take? Because you know I’m leaving soon, and they’ll probably bring someone to replace me, but, you know, it’s not the same with a new guy… Aaand you’re on the floor.”

Brian had fainted.

*

“So, how did it go?” Gina called Jake at the end of his shift.

“It was fun for a minute, but I had to tell him the truth.”

“Boo. I didn’t even get to see it. How long did it last?”

“Actually, when I said a minute, I wasn’t exaggerating. The second I finished explaining the whole story he fainted. Sorry, G, I know it’s my last week and you wanted to do something big… Maybe—”

“Hold up, hold up. He fainted? After one minute?”

“Um, yep.” Jake pulled the phone away from his ear to make sure he hadn’t hung up by accident. “G? Gina? I can’t hear you.”

“That’s because—” wheeze, “I’m dying—” wheeze, “of laughter.”

“Oh.” Jake’s shoulders lost some tension he hadn’t realized was there, and then he started laughing too. “It was so great. I had to pick him up, and then when I explained everything he almost fainted again…”

*

Jake crossed the street towards the coffee shop, a piece of paper in his hands, looking excited. Gina watched him from behind the counter, polishing mugs in preparation for the shop opening in forty minutes.

Jake was late, as usual. Wait. No. Jake didn’t work there, as of two days ago. He had gotten a job at a police precinct, he shouldn’t be in the shop before opening time. But as he pushed the door open, sending the bell dinging, his enthusiasm was too contagious to reprimand. “Hey, G.”

“Hey, Jake.” Gina gently put the mug down. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Jake looked around the shop casually, taking his time. “Except that I’m the best best friend ever and I got you a job interview, if you want it.” He then turned to look directly at her, smiling his mischievous grin in all its glory.

“What?!” Gina practically jumped over the counter to hold Jake and jump around excitedly. “What job? No, whatever it is, it’s better than this, with the oven gunk and the disgusting customers and Tina.”

Jake’s grin still hadn’t let up. “So, it turns out, the precinct that hired me is looking for a receptionist, and I recommended you, and they said they would let you interview. You just need to sit at a desk, your own desk, and answer some phone calls and emails, know where the officers are, maybe file some reports.”

Gina stopped jumping and wrapped her arms around Jake. “And we would work together again. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

[seven-oomen]

Hi, Ben!  Hope you had a good day, and are finally getting some rest!  So, did you know there are sites that let you design your own ugly Christmas sweaters?  May I present the one that Peter’s husbands get him for a party?  Except then the jokes on them because he won’t stop wearing it EVERYWHERE (at least I hope the image shows?  It saved in a different format on the site I used for this.)  Also, if you were ever to actually make a shirt of it, I would suggest an image from the reaction GIF you used for the alignment/meta anon.  Because, my god, that smirk.  XD  (Also, they are totally right.  And it is hilarious to me that the two officers of the law are firmly [and accurately] on the neutral side of that axis.  XD )

And I’m still screaming over that latest preview.  He just wants cuddles and ear scritches, Noah!  The saliva will dry, he’s just showing his appreciation for your support.  XD  And oh, yeah I knew he would eventually get better, it was more me trying to decide how quickly I was hoping for it to happen.  My “I want it asap because I hate seeing them in pain” side was warring with my “but nightmare creature cuddles would be adorbs, tho?” side (and they are).  :D  Also, terrible thought brought on by working at my job too long: since I don’t think that form has a tail like a wolf (I don’t really remember noticing one, at least?), do you think that since he can’t wag, he starts doing the wiggle-butt thing like boxers and pits tend to do?  (sorry, the thought occurred to me and I couldn’t make it stop.  XD )

Also, how dare you put the image of Noah and Chris cuddling in the window seat watching the snow fall while the listen to Peter singing ‘Hallelujah’ as he finishes the dishes, in my head?  Or them sitting at the table having coffee and joining him for the choruses?  Or Chris singing along with Tony Bennett or Harry Connick Jr on the local Christmas station?  Or Noah singing along with Chris Cornell’s version of Ave Maria (or doing a damn good impression at least [song is available on Spotify, btw, if you’ve not heard it])?  My body was not meant to hold this level of feral screaming, dude.  XD

For the undecided alignment (that don’t involve spoilers), I would vote LN for Danny and CG for John.  No specific reasons, that’s just what feels right at the moment.  And I’m curious if Noah and the kids have been in the vault at all, because Malia would be able to access it.

And, yes, I am all for mutual body positivity support among the boys.  I remember watching some BTS thing a few years back, and Linden said something about how everyone was “running around without their shirts on, and I just feel kinda old and jiggly”, and my very first thought was “Oh, please.  You may not be I’ve-had-nothing-but-chicken-for-a-week-and-haven’t-had-liquids-in-three-days ripped like the other guys, but in no way will you ever convince me you are actually out of shape in the slightest."  Also, I’m just picturing a scene where Noah accidentally(/on purpose…?) looms over Chris, who just has this moment of "oh, yeah, that’s right, you’re tall now” immediately followed by “well, I am learning a number of new things about myself right now"  XD  On a related note, how do you think he feels about dip kisses after realizing this?  Although, I do hope Noah does not sweep Chris off his feet in quite the same way Chris keeps doing to him.  XD

On an unrelated note, that post about Artoo and Luke about killed me dead.  XD  Artoo’s propensity for shenanigans and Luke’s pervading issues with impulse control is just a complete recipe for hilarious disaster and total ride-or-die besties.  It also reminded me of the post about how Rogue One leads into New Hope and Leia straight up lying right to her dad’s face.  Which, while hysterical, also makes me think about how many posts I see about how Leia is very much her father’s daughter, but almost never see any that point out how much Luke is his mother’s son.  I just have a LOT OF FEELINGS about this, okay?  But I will contain that rant.  XD  (Star Wars has been an on-again-off-again love for me since I was 9.  It’s pretty much a guaranteed way to get an emotional response out of me.  XD )

And I’m glad Mo doesn’t bother the tree or anything, though the box thing is pretty funny.  But he does seem to have that very cat-like tendency to want to completely block you from accessing the keyboard or pin you in place because he’s laying on you and you don’t want to disturb him, so I think he’s catting just fine.  XD  I mean, I have some friends who one of their cats is immune to scruffing (the downside of this is that he’s also almost completely feral still [he was a stray that stayed], and at one point he got a UTI and needed antibiotics.  I’m pretty sure my friend had to get like a falconing glove or something to get his pills in him.  XD )

That America being huge vs Europe being old thing also made me laugh because there was the section about the "long bus ride” that was like two hours, and all I could think about was how often we drove four hours both ways to visit my grandparents, and how in high school we took a trip to Canada, and I don’t remember the exact length of the bus ride up, but I know it was between twenty-three and twenty-eight hours.

And I hope you’re enjoying the Spiderman game, or will when you get to it!  As best I recall, everyone I know who has played it has had nothing but good things to say about it.  And wow, I’m rambling again.  Oh well.  Anyway, hope you’re doing well, and sending lots of good energy for finishing the chapter to your satisfaction (I know the readers certainly don’t mind the longer chapters.  :D )  Take care!  *Hugs!*

Oh my god I am absolutely in love with that sweater. Why is this not a thing XD 

And yeah, they definitely gift Peter a sweater like that, lbr. No other way about it. It definitely backfires when Peter wears it every single year and to everywhere. Including PT meetings and the parent/school board meetings? I forgot the American word for it, in Dutch we call it ouderraad. I know we talked about them before where Peter starts a war with the ‘Karen’ and completely wrecks her. And how all the other moms fall in love with the three DILFS.

But yeah, wears it everywhere and every year XD. 

Noah’s deputies, including Jordan, have definitely snapped pictures and post them on every computer desktop in the station. Including pictures of Noah’s reaction faces of that sweater.

Because you cannot convince me, that a bunch of cops, would not be dicks about this.

Chris is infinitely grateful that he does not have coworkers like that.

And god that is rather good smirk to go with that line XD. And yeah I guess it is funny. But it’s also true and that’s wow... XD 

I did a character alignment test for Peter and came out on CN so that is what I’m going to stick with in any itteration for him. 

As for the wiggle butt thing, he does not have a tail and I already had a very lengthy inner discussion with myself before getting this ask and I can tell you, he does wiggle butt like a boxer in this form. Imagine a fucking beast like that just wiggle butting with happiness. The image is so bizarre that I had to include it in the full moon chapter.

Chris is definitely learning a number of things about himself when he figures out Noah can now loom over him and press him against walls. Also Chris has a thing for being bound or pressed against objects and when Noah figures that one out, well, let’s say Peter certainly doesn’t mind watching those moments.

There’s also a revelation when Chris says; I can easily get out of these handcuffs and Noah translates it too; Good, that means that as long as you don’t try to, you’re consenting to whatever I’m doing to you. Deal? To which Chris, enthusiastically agrees. It’s a very fun game. Peter disagrees because they tend to lock him out during the games with some ash, although he is invited back in after they’re done and then the attention of two Omegas is fully on him. So I suppose he doesn’t mind too much.

Something that is both funny and sweet though is that through Ben, Noah discovers how much he misses having little kids running around. And he has a few moments of; oh god I want another kid realizations in this chapter.

Of course, considering their situation this isn’t the time and Noah more than realizes that. But it gets conversations about the future going for all three of them.

Oh and to answer your question, Malia has not been to the vault, but she and her siblings will get to see it. If that’s with dad or with Derek I haven’t decided yet. But they will end up at the vault in this story. Gotta get Peter’s necklace back.

So far I’ve had a bit of a rough day but by answering this and focusing on headcanons, and that freaking sweater!!!!, I feel a bit better. So thank you my friend, this helped me a lot <3. 

And I agree, Leia is just like her father but Luke is all Padme and people don’t talk about that enough. <3

Lots of Love from me and Mo!

[hyperionswrath--archived]

@onepartbrave

If there was one thing that had finally gotten through Squall’s head that night, it was that Seifer genuinely seemed not angry with him. Despite the fiasco the previous night, despite the unwarranted trip down memory lane, despite his frosty nature that had only warmed due to inhaling too much drink. The blond was still amicable, considerate and bizarrely accepting of all Squall’s current problems and flaws digging out of the technical woodwork. Yeah, he’d just been called a constant pain in the ass but the tone infusing the words suggested nothing but camaraderie backing them. No vexation. No resentment. Just… comity.

Those facts eased a huge chunk of Squall’s stress away. Shoulders sagging slightly from the sudden weightless feel of being almost tension free, he pondered on what that implied next. Would they become friends, if only for the drunken night? Even if they weren’t, his unspoken trust in Seifer was starting to show. Considering over the last month alone, he’d allowed none to come near him, let alone take his hand. Here the man had held his numerous times and Squall hadn’t even decked him for touching—

No. Nope, we’re not going there. It was an accident, don’t overthink this for Hyne’s sake.

Eyebrows lowering into yet another frown, this time directed at his inner thoughts, Squall successfully banished them to the recesses of his mind and concentrated on the now. Like—how close the blond was. Sitting next to him, he predicted if he shifted his left knee a smidgen, it’d bump Seifer’s. Why was he so close? When had he gotten so? Had he really been so deep in thought he completely missed what occurred in reality?

Swallowing down what felt like a knot of trepidation forming in his throat, it feeling less ‘bad’ anxious and more ‘puzzled’ anxious, the entire night was becoming a far cry from the picture he’d had in mind. Previously, he thought they’d drink, eat, sass each other and retire to not see one another again. Now… they were still here, still hanging out, and had plans for tomorrow. I—I’m… Unable to finish the thought, he relaxed back against the rear of the seat, frown softening.

Should he feel uncomfortable? It wasn’t like they hadn’t had close proximity before; sparring ensured that, but this was different, new. New worried him but for a reason that consistently eluded him. True clarity was becoming a drawn-out battle and he’d always been better at the quick-paced, adrenaline fuelled altercations instead of a marathon skirmish. Sighing softly, he allowed his head to loll back against the squishy, warm backrest. …That shouldn’t be warm since they’d vacated their seat. Not daring to turn his head obviously, while Seifer made short work of ordering their water and some bread, he flicked a sneaky glance behind him—to see the blond’s arm present. Almost… around him?

Wha…?

Comprehension fleeting, Squall’s head turned to face forward and, with dawning realisation of horror, felt his face heighten a few degrees in natural warmth. He was blushing like a goddamned idiot and there was no way Seifer’s perceptive glare wouldn’t pick up on it. Shit. What’d I do? Do I leave? Move? Shove him away? Stay still and pretend I don’t know? Fuck—

Inherent ranting cut short by Seifer’s slurred baritone registering. Embarrassingly, clouded grey-blues shot up to try and meet vibrant greens. His mission failed as Seifer was busy thanking the waitress and looking all weird in the dim lighting and— Oh my god, I will stab myself if it makes me stop thinking.

“I—what?” he asked feebly, missing the man’s question entirely as his whirlwind of a mind had been occupied. With him. Ugh. “The… bread? Wa’ that it? S’good lookin’.”

Zipping an imaginary line over his dumb mouth, Squall sat slightly more forward and reached for the aforementioned bread. Breaking a piece off, he guided it to his mouth and took a generous bite out of it. Instant gratification overcame his tastebuds and (finally) his conscience silenced to appreciate the tasty morsel. Swallowing the bite after chewing, he quietly confessed, “Damn, t’is good,” before resuming his previous task, albeit with more enthusiasm.

When finished that portion, Squall grabbed a whole other small loaf to nibble on, mindful there was enough left for Seifer. His worries were amiss as many more little loaves remained. Satisfied with his finding, he shimmied back in his seat, and, in his blissful state of mind of not worrying, all caution was thrown to the wind. Reclining back as he went, he instinctively pressed closer to the searing warmth on his left side, relaxing honestly for the first time in weeks. While he worked on consuming his latest bready goodness, he observed the pub settings with muted interest, wholly uncaring he was essentially using Seifer as a leaning post.

…Warm.

Truth be told, there was an ever-burning fury somewhere deep inside of the tall blond, constantly burning and eating away at him. It had been there his whole life but had started blazing higher, burning fiercer during and after the war. Yet it wasn't directed at Squall. Not anymore, at least. While he had been the Sorceresses Knight, there was wrath in his every fiber, not his own entirely, clouding his mind and judgment. After the war, there had been seething anger about the fact that Squall had not only bested him inside the Lunatic Pandora, but also left him there to die. But that grudge wasn't upheld for long, for once he was able to reflect on everything that had transpired, the act seemed more than plausible. There hadn't been much humanity left in him when the witch pulled his strings and made him believe sacrificing Rinoa would be the right thing to do. The only right thing.

So, no, he harbored no ill feelings for the man anymore who in his mind had far more reason and justification to hate him instead. But so far, except for their first encounter the night before, there seemed to be no ill-feeling at all between them and it felt both odd and relieving. Seifer had carried the shame, guilt and self-loathing with him for so many years, he would have never expected to be treated as friendly as he had been, all things considered. Sure, Squall was still his old self in some ways, but there were also other sides to him he had allowed the blond to see and for all that he knew, they were good changes.

What exactly all of this between them meant, he dared not think about. Granted, he had always been a man of action first, thoughts second, and right now he was willing to just let things happen as they did, not question anything. And if they never saw each other again after tonight (well, there were already plans in place for the next day though), then so be it. Still, a small voice in the back of his head dared to hope that this was a way to redeem himself, if only a little. Maybe that, too, was the reason he felt so protective of the younger one?

Happily chewing on his spoil, namely the goodness that was the potato wedges, thoughtful eyes following the retreating waitress, he only paused when he felt a slight bump against his right arm, making him glance to the side. The look on Squall's face was enough to make the tall blond chuckle lightly, pulling in his lower lip to bite on it though unable to completely wipe the grin from his face. He'd be a liar if he'd claim he didn't push the boundaries between them right now, and much against his better judgment too. What about the whole 'I can never touch him' vow he had taken? But then again, the reaction this small brush of head against arm had caused was entertaining enough to throw at least part of that determination out the window. After all, he was still the smug shit of the town, right?

Even more intriguing, however, was the observation he now made. Squall blushed. And not just a bit. Most interesting. He'd probably be pushing his luck by now but before he could even stop himself, his hand had shifted just so, allowing his thumb to briefly flick over the now heated skin of Squall's neck, brushing at the soft brown strands there. Dangerous as this game may be, he had to admit it thrilled him, and whatever was able to do that to him usually flicked the switch of being reasonable (well, as much as he was able to, anyway), and just go all in. And right now, he was most curious what kind of reactions he could provoke and, most importantly, how much deeper this blush could get.

Apparently, it was enough to distract the brunet from what he had asked, flustering the guy enough to give some entirely unrelated answer which only served to tug on Seifer's lips more, creating a lopsided smirk. "Very." he hummed in agreement, not even sparing the damn bread one single glance. Willing to let his teasing of an entirely different kind go for the time being, he busied himself with his water, glad for the chance to help to mellow his drunken state a little. He wanted his attention on full alert right now. Also, Squall was well advised to eat that much bread to help him along with the amount of alcohol in his system. It wouldn't magically sober him up but at least help a little, which had been the plan when he ordered it. On top of that, for some reason watching the other eat had some kind of fascinating appeal all of a sudden?

Emptying his glass, he placed it back on the table, releasing Squall from his observing stare as he leaned forward to snatch his own small loaf, chewing slowly while he mulled over the entirely unexpected development of events right there. More so even when he felt the smaller body sink against him, leaning on him. Looking down at the brown tuft of hair he hummed, half astonished, half content because he'd be damned if this hadn't been one of his ultimate teenage fantasies. Well, among others, but he'd be content to have this to remember in the future. Lingering in his position, his arm on the backrest still, he swallowed hard against a lump in his throat. Not the kind he had noticed a while ago when dark memories started rushing in. This was different. Better. "You good?", he heard himself murmur and only then noticed that somehow, he had leaned down, the tip of his nose not far away from brown hair, close enough that he could breathe the other in. Shit, what exactly was he even thinking here? Was he thinking at all?

[vaguely-concerned]

TEMERAIRE LET’S READ: BLOOD OF TYRANTS, THE WILLIAM LAURENCE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT NG+ SPEEDRUN

- oh NO LAURENCE D:D:D:

I do love that one of his first realizations is that he’s definitely not dutch tho lol this dumbass remembered that he was english before he remembered his own name

- caught between OH NO TEMERAIRE (and it’s only page 9 it’s going to be one of those books huh) and laughing my ass off at the thought of him swooping into notoriously isolationist japan and yelling ‘HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN MY DAD???’

- “Yes,” [Laurence] said, unyielding, as he could not be otherwise. ahahahahaha way to summarize the entirety of old school!laurence with one fucking sentence

(I am very much enjoying this uh. ‘setback’ of his character actually? novik really did just roll him back to factory settings and went ‘now... from the top again, let’s see if you’ve been paying attention these last seven books’ haha. no one told me there’d be a test!!!!!!!!!!)

- Kaneko really has the patience and graciousness of a saint, @ laurence please... please try to be marginally less sketchy hm? (I guess his sheer obliviousness to how direly he comes across here must be why kaneko hasn’t dismissed him out of hand)

- y’know... at least laurence is in no position to have to worry about all this shit temeraire and the others are pulling. when people start talking about black-scaled celestials shaking the country to its very foundations he’ll be blissfully, innocently unaware. that’s something, I suppose... well who am I kidding we’ll 100% get a couple of paragraphs of him convincing himself this is all his fault somehow anyway

- . . . and His Majesty’s Government does not behave in such an underhanded a manner as to attack another nation with no warning or quarrel. aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh what a strange beautiful fantasy land you’ve been residing in for most of your life william laurence, hang on tight for the opium wars

- hahaha oh my god this is like a platonic version of that text post

temeraire: have you guys seen my dad??!?!

them: what does he look like?

temeraire, crying: beautiful and human and has gold buttons

- I take it all back old school laurence is such a tremendous idiot. just PRETEND you’re willing to cooperate at least you huge fuckign dummy, all you’d have to do was say something vague about how the ship can’t get too close to shore; it won’t actually help them and they’ll know it but you won’t make yourself look so unspeakably willfully suspicious

-  :( making me read things where temeraire is just hurting should be ILLEGAL actually

- NO LAURENCE STOP TRYING TO KICK LITERALLY EVERY POLITICAL HORNET’S NEST WITHIN REACH BAD BOY he is... a disaster but I love him and fear for him as a son so here I am anyway

- hahahahaha yeah wow laurence it sure would suck if you ever had to commit treason huh death probably would be preferable indeed

b o i

- i like that it took him like a week to even give a single thought to edith lol at least he remains aggressively himself

- I think temeraire basically just invented dragon baby photos and I can’t even think for how darling it is

also every dragon physician is delightful; they fear neither god, man nor huge ass patients who could swallow them in a bite

aw man I love gong su

- ahahahahahahah kiyo is the actual best I can’t breathe

KANPAI INDEED, MY LADY, MY LIEGE, I DON’T CARE WHAT ELSE HAPPENS I WOULD FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH

Laurence was forced to at least moisten his lips in a show of accompaniment, and hope that he had indeed buried Caesar and not praised him, or for that matter raised him from the dead one act too soon; he was not perfectly sure. He did not think he had been this appallingly drunk since he had been a boy of twelve, trying to make good on every toast at his captain’s table. I. am. dying

thank you thank you thank you for the mental image of laurence drunkenly trying to stumble through the ‘friends, romans, countrymen’ speech as well as the entire rest of the play in a one-man performance

- oh no... I would die for junichiro, baby boy who loves his teacher SO MUCH ;____________; aaaaand there are laurence’s adoption instincts, I see, right on time <3 I like how they have had one actual conversation now and laurence is like ‘ah well nothing for it then guess you’ll have to stay on my ship and I’ll have to be your dad now, brash 16 year old child’

junichiro is being Full Teenager about laurence not knowing ~*obvious*~ things and it’s a delight

- y’know this period of japanese history is always portrayed in the west as paranoia and it could probably only be done because the country was a strict military dictatorship at the time... but having read oh, any history book ever, deciding that nope nah don’t think so no europeans ever is the greatest ‘fair enough’ in human history.  (...I guess this series is sort of AU fix it fic of the period in the first place haha)

- seeing temeraire this level of straight out angry is very interesting and also very unsettling

- ooooof whenever laurence almost-remembers temeraire... stab me in the heart why don’t you

- man churki really is the mom friend of these dragons she’s the only one who has a lick of sense

- *laurence, upon clobbering several men with an oar* “Ma’am, I beg your pardon,” Laurence said to the old woman, who was still sitting ramrod-straight in the ferry over the side from him and regarding him with a flat expression of utter disapproval and not the least evidence of fear; he put out a boot over the side and shoved the ferry off with a heave

god this book is just a continual parade of glorious mental images, just this old woman glaring at him like ‘RUDE’ and “Ma’am, I beg your pardon” fdslfhsdlkjh

- I have a lot of sympathy for hammond. imagine having to navigate the extremely delicate diplomatic situation between europe and japan, with the real prospect of a war breaking out over it, while temeraire is looking over your shoulder... real dragon in the glassware shop vibe going on here, i’m sorry about your life hammond

- AUGH laurence just sort-of-remembered emily he just half-remembered he basically has a daughter someone hold me (...junichiro is so so sweet ;___;)

- bwahahaha yeah I’m sure the only reason this impressionable young kid who’s slowly becoming very impressed by you has for sneaking glances at your bare chest is manly appreciation of your battle scars laurence, well done (I mean a supremely understandable innocent teen crush to develop but stay safely out of that, kid; I trust tharkay to survive the sheer field of mayhem around this man only because he’s got like 20 years, extreme competency and a world of cynicism on you)

- aw junichiro :(:(:(

- ...laurence you need to stop making your dragon boi think you’re dead because this is hurting me. my heart lies in sad little pieces on the ground right now. you are stepping on them with tapdancing shoes.

- “I am under an obligation to Junichiro,” [Laurence] said, quietly, “who you must know has aided me for love of you. If I surrender myself and am made prisoner in this way, will your honor be satisfied?”

fdsfhsdkfsdja  *ELMO SURROUNDED BY FLAMES GIF* this is all awful they’re all such good people why must this happen why this  

(what a way to remind me why I love this stupid wonderful man so much tho uuuuuugh)

- “He is a prince of China, and my captain.” “The devil I am,” said Laurence. This might be the funniest heartbreak I have ever experienced

- good job making me cry whenever I read the words ‘principia mathematica’ naomi novik that was real nice of you

- maximus is such a solid bro. not the brightest, but by god a good 80% of that boy’s gigantic body mass is pure heart

- I love the sheer trollishness of just dropping all these hints about whatever’s going on in the US and then moving on like nothing has happened lol at least it’s deeply implied that hamilton squandered his chances at the presidency by pulling his dumb hoe act in this universe too... constants and variables friends constants and variables

- bOY for a moment there I really did wonder if junichiro was going to die, thank god for a quick google to stop my heart from leaping up my throat and out into thin air to shatter yet again on the flagstones beneath

- in unrelated news I recently found out a bit more about the whole historical Situation in Australia at the beginning of Tongues of Serpents (incidentally, by reading Mark Forsyth’s ‘A Short History of Drunkenness’, which is very funny and quite interesting although I can personally testify that the chapter about vikings at least is completely riddled with misunderstandings or straight out factual errors about the mythology, the role of women in society and uh the entirety of how poetry worked so maybe take him with a pinch of salt lol), and now, in retrospect, I have to say Novik does a poor job conveying the sheer hilarity and madness going on at that time. Like. I was quite bored in those first few chapters, whenever Tharkay didn’t have page time. how could you make this incredible spectacular shitshow boring. it should have been easy comedy gold and not just like. misery. oh well great times, let’s return to the book at hand

- I remain utterly devoted to Lady Kiyo. livin’ life, drinking sake, giving no fucks, absentmindedly scoping out the western style ships and starting an entire modern navy for her country, getting some Theater up in here.... truly I would follow her into the jaws of hell itself, safely in the knowledge that she’d find some way to have a good time down there

- kaneko tearing up at laurence promising he’ll take care of junichiro 😭 this is so cruel to me, personally, specifically against my person, I am undone

- I like how the incan dragons are told like ‘don’t pick just one special person; you can love all your humans equally’ while the poor japanese ones are told ‘actually don’t love any of your humans very much at least not more than Honour’ lol they must have so many neurotic dragons running about b/c that when that attachment happens it seems extremely central to their psychology (and considering lady arikawa it’s not like they’re exempt from it, they’re just supposed to repress it to conform)

- laurence desperately trying to work out whether emily’s his daughter without actually asking anyone... delicious

the descriptions of roland’s letters: even more delicious

- temeraire sees the sad remnants of laurence’s robes and ‘hello darkness my old frieeeeend’ starts playing in his head... too bad laurence isn’t really in a position to experience the relief

- He is very much a one-note character, but O’Dea’s resolute dedicated fatalism is extremely funny

- hahaha poor temeraire... when you try to introduce bae to the family and they insist on being TOTALLY EMBARRASSING god

- The guilt of having caused pain to one deserving only consideration at his hand mingled with unanswered disquiet. I’m bawling laurence’s dad instincts are so pure and good even tho everything’s a bit messed up right now. like this whole paragraph is so powerful b/c you can see laurence’s natural loving impulse at war with his dad’s cold authoritarian parenting style and because his lived experience is removed he doesn’t know what is right.............. oh b o y

- oh okay I see my earlier comment about the opium wars proves unexpectedly prophetic

- it cannot be overstated how much I love junichiro or how happy I am that laurence is being so soft and patient with him. this kid has Been Through some shit

- emily roland shoulder to shoulder with laurence killing fools and he never doubts her for a moment... *chef kiss emoji*  

- the problem with these books is that there are just so many good characters and so many of them don’t get any real page time in any given one -- I’m sitting here plaintively like ‘I realize this is not the most pressing issue right now but how is demane and sipho doing. are they okay. does sipho have enough books’

- ouch memory loss isn’t stopping laurence from flashing back to victory of eagles :(

there’s something so disconcerting about knowing why laurence reacts to things the way he does when he doesn’t; novik is using that very efficiently, this is a very satisfying use of amnesia just from a writer’s POV haha

- I like how none of these suckers really have the tools (or in some cases even inclination) to understand how messed up junichiro’s political situation is in all this

they just expect him to come home to britain with them and meanwhile he’s just found out that The greatest threat to his nation (from his POV I mean china/japan relations irl seem uh complicated) has more dragons in one field than he’s ever seen in his life. it’s a rough and lonely deal being this kid in this book

- oh ouch yes hey there laurence there might have been... a little bit of treason. true. extremely justified treason tho. I mean. oh dear

we don’t have tharkay and his unique mix of deep cynicism, incisive sarcasm and surprising depth of concise moral clarity here to assist with the aftermath so this could get  u g l y

- listen what did I SAY about making me read about temeraire being miserable     :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

- SIPHO!! hey baby boy pls have some thought for your brother’s cardiac health tho

- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw the fact that laurence is getting out of this crisis so much quicker this time because of his bone-deep instinctual knowledge of how much he loves temeraire, which doesn’t need specific memories to be true and felt. god. jesus. stars above

- laurence: approaches little

little: gay panic

- [Laurence] groped after the truth of himself like a prisoner in Plato’s cave, watching shadows. *clenches fist with great emotion* fuck naomi novik why must you be such an excellent goddamn writer im in pain

- oh hay arkady

poor poor temeraire feeling like a failure in every way is so awful but also kind of funny. ‘oh shit arkady’s egg oh fuck oh crap’

- I LOVE that hammond is so clearly and repeatedly shown to be a very astute political thinker and working shit out before everyone else! he may be a dumbass and a bit of a weasel but by god he’s great at what he does!

- laurence wouldn’t have changed anything if he could u guise. I . that. hm. oh

- thARKAY

.........arkady I am only a human and a small one at that but I will find some way to climb up there and wring your neck

(how cute is it that apparently jane roland realized she needed someone to find laurence and was like ‘well I need someone who can take care of themselves and knows the area and speaks dragon and Understands the chaotic ways of william laurence and also has looked uncharacteristically like a kicked puppy at the very mention of his name ever since being forced to leave him behind in australia.... hey tharkay you want a job’ fhkjshdfkalhsd)

- I’m very glad I googled ahead and spoiled myself a bit on this, because if I just read this part fresh I would have expired on the spot

- MISSION GET MY BOY BACK SAFE FOR GOD’S SAKE is a go

- general chu is pretty cool for an old dude you feel me

- . . . and Laurence knew him; knew him and knew himself.

ahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

hahahahahahahhahahahaha

hahahahhha

haha

what... what pure undiluted soulmate nonsense is this. what. how. WHY would you do this

- I think I said something offhandedly in my victory of eagles reactions about how tharkay makes laurence remember who he is. I. thought I was exaggerating slightly for dramatic effect at the time. um wow

- I am having the sort of feelings about I need to write fiction about because my ability to express it any other way is failing me. That’s just about the highest praise I could give, really, Novik sure knows how to plant interesting seeds in her stories lol

- for the record this is not how I wanted him to end up in laurence’s bed

(im not thinking too much about how he got hurt b/c if I do I’ll start crying and that’ll just be embarrassing for everyone)

- “I hope you will forgive my mentioning it, Will,” Tharkay said, eventually, rousing Laurence from his reverie. “ -- I recognize there is a certain pot-calling quality to my doing so under the circumstances, but have you noticed that the top of your head appears likely to come off?”

a) my love for him is just. so pure. so complete. so deep b) consistent first name basis; the one sure way to make me swoon c) the implication that he’s just been quietly watching laurence while he was lost in thought... im so soft

- oh god laurence very gently helping out demane and roland because he remembers now....... i cry and my tears are blood welcome back buddy

- “I am of the opinion,” Tharkay said, “that you ought not assign to free will something more likely the consequence of a sharp blow to the skull.”

he truly is the gift that keeps giving. an endless cornucopia of sarcasm and delight. we do not deserve him.  

- [The man he was eight years ago] would not have valued his own feelings, on such a matter, higher than the law and the discipline of the service. *AIRHORN AIRHORN AIRHORN* there we have it folks that’s literally his character arc spelled out, he would have done SO MUCH BAD SHIT because he thought his own feelings didn’t matter and yet he chose another direction, stupendous, brilliant, revolutionary

also him trying to get his support across to both of them in as roundabout and discreet way as possible... laurence you beautiful disaster

- im just so happ. so happy. so happy temeraire has his dumb dad back

- oh so the russians think the BRITISH, of all people, are too soft on their dragons... ruh-roh

- sdfskadlfj yes good tharkay the ROBES (also the implied depth of fond schadenfreude-tinged amusement contained in that ‘those particularly magnificent robes’.... *prayer hands emoji*)

laurence is like ET TU BABE?????

I think this is very delicate gong su speak for ‘please do not be a dumb bitch your majesty’

hahaha chu knows what’s up -- I am growing desperately fond of him, please don’t have him suffer any cop-one-day-from-retirement style accident

- “If I may cut your Gordian knot,” Tharkay said, with a glint in his eye. fdsklfhsdkflhdsakjfhdskjh remember back in black powder war when he was all closed off and phlegmatic and purposefully distant... and here he is... with a glint in his eye and a crazy ass plan that requires other people and that he actually shares before pulling it off and calling laurence by first name in public......... we’ve come so far

- Also this means he’s close enough to Laurence’s height and build that he can wear his clothes without it looking weird, which is nice to know because Laurence is sometimes more preoccupied with describing what men are wearing than, y’know, what they look like lol. (probably not quite as broad in the shoulders, tho, since it’s pointed out every time laurence is described that he has shoulders like a linebacker)

- temeraire: eXCUSE me god didn’t do this the emperor of china did???!?! rude???

- pffffffffff tharkay and chu being jaded world-weary bros for a second there... this is what I read these books for folks

- NOOOOOOOOOOO chu this is the one thing I asked you NOT to do D: temeraire being sad and scared about it is slowly murdering me, thank god laurence is back online for him

- dunno this napoleon dude sounds pretty great and all but this also sounds suspiciously... like trying to invade russia in the winter time. immovable force and unstoppable object or something. I mean I don’t read history so I don’t know. might be a great idea. who’s to say.

- I see that tharkay and laurence have reached the ‘communicating complex information solely through eyebrow movements’ stage of their relationship. *drinks this excellent excellent OTP juice with both hands*

- god I love how cool temeraire!napoleon is, in a strangely believable way. he’s just so weirdly charismatic and novik is SO GOOD at setting up a situation so you understand just how brilliant a move he’s made whenever he seems to be backed into a corner and turns it all around. I kind of want him to win at this point (though tbf all of europe fucking sucked at this time so like he doesn’t have to doll it up TOO much to look better by comparison haha)

- boooyyyy Laurence is P I S S E D (also him being like ??? :D that the general basically agreed with him lol)

ALSO also the fact that laurence does not realize that he’s like the fucking horror story all the major authorities around the globe tell each other at night... fjksdfhsdkjlhf

ah russia. truly consistently one of the most shit places to be a peasant or apparently a dragon through so much of history.

- junichiro Y__________Y no wonder laurence is so protective of him, he’s finally met someone as stubbornly stupidly ~*honorable*~ as himself. godspeed bb boy I wish you only the best even though I know your story line is never properly brought up again

- I ship... roland and demane... so much. like with my heart. she’s so young and earnest and curious and misses him so much and casually scandalizes alice about it fsjdakfjhds

- well I mean. dragons eating people is clearly not  g r e a t  but also... karma. y’know?

- this is a lot of words to use to convey the sentiment ‘oh they are all so fuuuuuuuuuuuuucked’ naomi novik

(feels a little like she wrote herself into a corner here tho -- she’s set up such an impossible situation, in RUSSIA in the WINTERTIME, that I’d need a hell of a lot of convincing to believe they get out of it)

- aaaah okay I really enjoyed this one too, especially the first half! I feel like this series is often at its most inspired when it sticks to a tighter character focus (for example I still vividly recall the part in the first book where Laurence stays in his father’s house and it’s Bad. relatedly........ F U C K lord allendale), and this brought that in spades. I love this series so much, it’s shamefully underappreciated in the speculative fiction world.

also it brought *me* to my knees with a simple “Tenzing,” [Laurence] said, which... holy shit. fuck. damn. that’s my personal recommendation of this book, tbh, even beyond my wish for this series to be more appreciated within the genre: Tharkay was there and it was very gay and non-obnoxious soulmate vibes???? I never even thought it could be done but here we are

This is probably going to be my last reaction thingy for the foreseeable future, since my local library doesn’t have book 9 and honestly... having read a few summaries of what happens in it I’m not that keen on reading it? That’s not the ending to this story I want, so I’ll just live over here in denialville, I-realize-the-author-made-the-choice-to-not-make-further-use-of-Lien-AKA-THE-coolest-antagonist-in-this-series-and-indeed-did-not-wrap-up-numerous-character-arcs-or-plot-lines-but-I-don’t-like-this-choice-so-I’ll-ignore-it

(actually I do sort of appreciate the idea of not having one grand final duel or something, because that’s not how it usually works in real life, but that she’d just shrug and not mercilessly hunt for the revenge she’s so clearly motivated by when everything she loves is falling apart around her again... that’s too much of a letdown to bear, really)

let me just... live in willful ignorance and pretend anything could happen from this point onward haha.

- let me give a final shout out to my boy gong su, who’s been hanging around since book 2 (!) and yet we do not know One Single personal detail about him for certain except that he sure knows how to handle knives. that’s some good spy shit right there, he knows what he’s about

[robbiwrites717]

Master list of my Davekat fic recs. This is long so keep reading for the entire list. Also, unless a fic was explicit I included it on this list so be aware and still read the tags! I wanted to include my thoughts about each fic but it’s been well over a year since I read most of them and it would have been exhausting to read back through all of them so i just included the authors’ summaries instead. I have major respect for every fic and author on this list, seriously they’re amazing <3 Happy Reading 

A Bump in the Road - by leopharry - Daycare AU (teacher Karkat/gaurdian DAve/kid Dirk) - Ch 1/1 - 10260 words

After earning his Master's degree in education, Karkat can't find a teaching job, so Kanaya gets him a job as a toddler teacher at a daycare, much to his chagrin. Dirk is his quietest and most behaved student; in fact, Karkat has never heard him speak, and he's curious. What kind of person could raise such a child? And just how long will Karkat's patience last in a room full of two year olds?

Alpha Rats Nest - by sicklekind - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 9911 words

Dave and Karkat have a long overdue, late-night discussion about the upcoming final battle (and lots of other things, too). 

AMC Gremlin - by PeachBriseadh - Coffee Shop AU - Ch 1/1 - 2267 

A drive through window is probably not a good place to confess your feelings to the boy of your dreams, particularly when said dream boy is working it.

Apple Juice, Chips, and Bandages - by Weevilo707 - Humanstuck/Convenience Store AU- Ch 2/2 - 5338 words

Every time he comes in he gets the same three things. A bottle of apple juice, a bag of chips, and bandages.

Astronomy in Reverse - by PunkZucchini & sicklekind - Pen Pal AU - Ch 9/10 - 53857 words

Dave and Karkat are intergalactic pen pals, originally paired together for an extra credit school outreach project. Now, three years of correspondence later, they're best friends... and Karkat is finally immigrating to Earth.

Blood Dragon - by Corvid_Knight - Fantasy AU - Ch 8/8 - 11609 words

Fantasy-set homestuck AU in which Dave has a shit life, but he just managed to rescue a dragon...who also happens to be a nice guy. Now he's just got to keep his brother from finding out. Good luck with that, Dave.

Breathe - by Lilith_In_The_Garden - Highschool AU - Ch 31/? - 54700 words

Your name is Dave Strider, and there's nothing good about John and Rose changing schools.Without your twin sister and best friend, you've been left socially crippled at school, and barely coping at home. You're nearly certain that your mental health has been slowly spiraling downhill. You have no clue how you'll last the year to high school graduation. In all this, there's just one single ray of light.Your name is Dave Strider, and there's nothing good about John and Rose changing schools. Except for meeting Karkat Vantas.

Book Covers - by me ( cuz im an egotistical asshole) = College/Guardian AU- Ch 28/28 - 136611 words

Karkat has had a shitty life and has had to bust his ass for everything he has. He has no patience for spoiled, delusional, lazy people and this is exactly what he thinks Dave Strider is. They get paired up together for a project in their college English class and when Karkat accidently learns that Dave is fighting to keep custody of his younger brother Dirk, he learns that he may have been completely wrong about Dave and shouldn't have judged a book by it's cover. A story of two damaged boys coming to each others rescue and growing as people. <3

Broken - by Aurellyn - Pale Romance/Moirallegiance - Ch 1/1 - 18911 words

This has been an increasingly common occurrence recently. Maybe it’s because you’ve got so much time to just sit around and really think, maybe it’s because you don’t really have anyone to talk to, you don’t know, but you’ve been feeling literal oceans of insecure.It’s like someone ripped a bandaid off of an old wound, or broke the dam or some shit, because lately all you can think about are things you never wanted to think about literally ever again. You’ve been thinking about your Bro, your life before the game, and it was only yesterday that it really, truly dawned on you that you’re actually really scarred by it all. The strifing, the constant tiptoeing around the one place that you should feel safe, paranoia of being stalked by a God damn puppet.It haunts you, and it’s maybe had more of an impact on you than you want to admit.

Cold Desert - by gidgit - Neighbor AU - Ch 7/? - 48493 words

Curiosity killed the cat.It probably just wasn't as good at being nosy as Dave is.

countdown until the end of the world - by divingred - Alpha Session/Memories AU - Ch 6/6 - 17291 words

You’ve seen them before, in countless dreams like this, but this is the first time they’re so clear. They’re so big, they seem almost inhuman, not to mention their color. Deep black pupils against golden, almost glowing, sclera. Even though they’re nothing like a pair of human eyes, there’s a softness there. This is someone who cares about you. You don’t want to look away.Your name is Dave Strider and you feel like you’re forgetting something important.((au where alpha dave picks up a certain troll))

Demon Eyes - by Corvid_Knight - Demon/Hunter AU - Ch 28/28 - 84335 words

In which Dave goes in to kill a demon for his bro, and things...don't exactly go as planned. Really, absolutely nothing goes as planned, but that's...somehow okay. Mostly.

Don’t Forget the Sun - by Weevilo707 - stranded Alien AU - Ch 23/?(DISCONTINUED) - 204539 words

Karkat Vantas always accepted the fact that he was not going to live past nine sweeps. It was just a certainty of his sad, miserable life. At least, that was until his friends found out and decided to hatch a plan to get him out of the Alternian empire. A plan that actually worked.Now, he was stranded on an alien planet, at the mercy of some strange creature that was either trying to help him or going about some freaky ritual of flirting with your food before you eat it.Also, aliens have sunglasses.He was better off dying on Alternia, wasn't he?

falling in love's a struggle - by divingred - college AU - Ch 4/? - 7784 words

“What. The. Fuck,” You manage to spit out, “Kanaya, did Terezi just bring a human?”Who the fuck is this guy anyway!? You stare daggers at the guy. He’s tall… pale, with light hair, wearing an obnoxiously bright red jacket and black skinny jeans. He’s even wearing sunglasses at night, what a complete fucking douchebag. The complete opposite of you.--or alternatively titled; falling in love with your ex-girlfriend's new awful boyfriend

File It Down, Polish It Up - by introsquirrel - Ch 1/1 - 20713 words

Trolls have some weird priorities. They can’t bring themselves to invent conditioner, but they have automatic manicure kits and gossip about which blood caste produces the best in claw hygiene. Dave has never really given much thought to the state of his nails. His time is better spent memorizing lame movie quotes and actively *not* flirting with the grumpy troll version of the Second Coming.On an unrelated note, being a teenage boy is hard. Literally. (Insert dick joke here.) It’s hard and having a hot sister doesn’t help in the slightest. Not that Dave finds his sister attractive in any way.Nope, not going there.

Fortuitous - by Java_bean - meteorstuck - Ch 21/? - 111066 words

Dave and Karkat build a pillow fort and an unexpected chain of events occurs.

Hard To Stay And Watch You Walk Away - by LandofMistandSecrets - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 7502 words

I thought too hard about scenes that happened in the GO timeline that we never saw the retcon version of and then this came out. The "will we still be able to be best bros" conversation re-imagined for post-retcon. Somehow Karkat is even more insecure. Also I always wanted Rose and Karkat to talk in canon so hey have a bunch of them too, thanks.

hey there bright-eyed mister melancholy - by attentionmerrymakers - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1/ - 2338 words

This is why you are sitting in Can Town making your fifty-sixth scale replica of a sheep.

how...did you tell your friends - by sburbanite - post sburb/sgrub - Ch 4/4 - 7906 words

Unfortunately, you don't fancy your brother's suggestion on how to break the news to John...There's no other way out of it, you're going to have to just tell him.

If I Lose Everything In The Fire - by HexMeridan (myrainbowshoelaces) -  pacific rim AU - Ch 20/22 - 108975 words

The Kaiju - or Horrorterrors, as the trolls call them - first invaded Earth through a transdimensional rift at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Serving the Condesce in her quest to add Earth to the Alternian Empire, these monsters have terrorized humanity for twelve years. With the help of rebel troll factions and the adaptation of Alternian mind integration technology - The Drift - the Interspecies Defense Program has fought back as the last line of defense between the Kaiju and Earth.Karkat Vantas was a Jaeger pilot, fought for freedom in the Assault on the Breach that brought trolls to Earth. The loss of his co-pilot left him bitter and full of rage, but desperate times have lead to him being recruited to join the fray once more.Dave Strider is the best and brightest the Interspec program has to offer. Jaeger Restoration Project Head, highest simulation score on record, and younger brother of the Deputy Marshal - except he's not allowed in a Jaeger.Nobody expects them to be Drift Compatible

Improvidence - by biodigitaljazz - Meteorstuck Series - Four separate multi chapter fics 

Part 1 - Your name is Karkat Vantas.Your life is unnecessarily complicated. Part 2 - Your name is Dave Strider.You’re the baddest MC this side of the meteor and damn do you know it. Part 3 - Your name is Karkat Vantas.And you are the most beautiful and superlative specimen of complete and total relationship failure in the history of everyone and everything. Part 4 - Your name is Dave Strider.You really wish you could remember everything.

Locked Up - Weevilo - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 9272 words

Dave had always been the one best prepared for the game. He was able to handle the shit it threw at them and push it down a lot better than everyone else could.It might have fucked up everything else about him, but that didn't matter.He was fine.He was always fucking fine.

Love in the Time of Juggalos - by sburbanite - Alpha timeline AU - Ch 37/37 -  80521 words

Alpha-Dave has everything anyone could want: fame, fortune, legions of adoring fans, and a shitty hatchback car.

But behind the shades is a man who knows the world is ending, and who wakes each morning expecting to see a lover who isn't there. Someone he's never even met. 

M.C. Escher that’s my favorite MC - by Unda - Soulmate AU - Ch 42/? - 587474 words

Dirk has a plan, when he's 18 he's going to take Dave and get him the fuck out of their terrible lives and start over. Until then being the barrier between Dave and Bro is his only job, his soulmate is just going to have to wait goddamnit. Dave has a plan, it involves getting internet famous and not going gay, easy right? Karkat also has a plan, to repeatedly track down his dumb as rocks soulmate and get him to actually talk to him for fuck's sake.

Palisades, Palisades - by magicites - Summer Camp AU - Ch 4/4 - 46,422 words

In your memories, you see Dave Strider, fourteen-years-old and made up of lean muscle and awkward limbs that he would still need a few years to grow into fully. Crows surround him, all cawing impatiently, vying for the chicken sandwich in his backpack. He swears loudly as he swings a stick at them, trying to get them to leave him the fuck alone.“Stupid feathery assholes,” he’d always complain once he finally shooed them away.You tear yourself out of the memory. You miss him, and you hate yourself for it.

Perspective - by MsGeekNerd - Meteorstuck - Ch 85/85 - 63833 words 

In which Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas are Bored as Hell and Eventually Grow Close to Each Other in Multiple WaysKarkat wants nothing more then to be entertained, Dave can supply that entertainment.A story of friendship turned crush between my favorite dorks

Purrbeast - by wittykitsune - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 1140 words

Dave takes a dare to pet the grumpiest troll on the meteor. Instead of violence he is met with a very different reaction.

Reclassify - by notwest - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 2917 words

warning: this is a highly cliched, self indulgent first kiss meteorficyou know you love it though

Songs Made on the Meteor - by apocalypticTaco - Meteorstuck - Ch 3/6 - 11752 words

Once the train of aimless tree blabber has left the station, you remember why you agreed to meet up in the first place. Leaning forward to sit up properly, you turn to Dave.“So,” you say, “what did you want to show me?”“Oh! Yeah, I forgot about that, sorry. The topic just fucking strayed from me like some kind of toddler seeing a candy store and waddling away from mom. Chubby little bastard gets me this time. Here.” He plops out one of those music tables onto his lap, and motions for you to come closer.

(It's music, and along the way they fall in love.)

Sun - by mintboy - highschool Au - Ch 8/? - 14205 words

I’ll never be able to do what other teenagers get to do. When the world robs your health from you, robs your face from you, they rob from you everything else you’ve ever wanted. Because people are fucked up. And all they see is what’s on the outside.Inspired by the book Wonder by R. J. Palacio.

The Calm is Terrifying When the Storm is All You’ve Known - by happikatt- no-sburb AU - Ch 39/39 - 178722 words

There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.Slow burn, shifting perspectives; romance really isn't the focus here but it'll still play a significant part; extra content warnings will be posted with each relevant chapter

The Highlights of being a Split End - by Introsquirrel - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 7381 words

On the list of "Things Karkat Needs to Remember To Pack for Surviving This Fucking Game, In Order of Priority," hair styling utensils fell somewhere between "rubble that crushed my lusus" and "last sweep's decomposable trash, recently unburied from the back lawnring, along with all those bodies of the undead I had to kill." In other words, somebody needs to give that boy a brush.

The Lucky Ones - by daniomalley - Stowaway AU - Ch 10/10 - 51182 words

Lost and stranded on a ship millions of miles from Earth, Dave wants nothing more than to stay hidden from the crew until he can get somewhere safe. But then he runs into another fugitive and suddenly things become a lot more complicated.

the sun coming through - by astrogyaru - College AU - Ch 11/? - 98804 words

You're not sure what to expect when you go to college out of state, in a place that you've never been to before and where you only know one person. Awkwardness, definitely, and a little bit of homesickness, too. Falling in love with your internet buddy's best friend that you kind of hate, not so much, but somehow it happens anyway.Or: Dave and Karkat fall in love, from both of their perspectives.

Time Travel and Troll Grubs - by Corvid_Knight - Earth-C - Ch 16/? - 24723 words

AU in which Dave has An Idea and follows through with it, leading to him and Karkat raising a shitton of grubs.

“Truth or Truth?” - by assumare - Meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 4799 words

Dave and Karkat kill time on the meteor together and play a human party game to learn about each other's lives before the game and prepare for what may come after.The meteor was not a place you could spend time alone. At least, not out in the open.

Waffle House - by notwest - humanstuck - Ch 4/? - 15487 words

Dave Strider is almost 18 years old. His hobbies include avoiding Bro and eating at Waffle House.In the worst moments of his life, Dave finds comfort in a run down restaurant, the family he never knew he had, and in one particularly cranky waiter.

What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Too Hot - by ayyyy(RosaAquafire) - Earth C - Ch 1/1 - 6846 words

Moving to a new universe and a new paradigm brings a lot of changes. And Dave kind of likes the way things were before, back on the Meteor, when he had Karkat all to himself and didn't spend sleepless nights waiting for the shoe to fall.

Within, Without - by reinkist - Meteorstuck - Ch 37/37 - 78311 words

Dave just wants to be left alone. What's the point of anything when what's broken can never be completely fixed?This is the story of Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas, on the longest journey of their lives.

Your Interpersonal, Intergalactic Relationship: A Beginner’s Guide - by sicklekind - meteorstuck - Ch 1/1 - 8342 words

A beginner's guide to playing hopscotch, overcoming internalized homophobia, and falling in love with your alien best friend.Disclaimer: results may take up to three (3) years to appear.

[wordsaremybestfriends]

Didn’t Ask For This: Chapter 1

Hi friends! This is the first time I have EVER posted on Tumblr, and the first time in about six years that I’ve ever posted online so I am half super excited and half extremely scared that the world might explode so that’s fun. Anyways, I freaking love Stranger Things, and I decided to write a Steve Harrington X OC story because this is how I cope with a shit ton of college work.

ANYways, I hope that you guys enjoy this story as much as I do, and don’t worry, because there’s a lot more on the way. Thanks for reading, and don’t be afraid to ask if you want to be tagged in it, or to tell me your thoughts, or to send me recipes for blueberry muffins because I accept all of those. Thanks for reading, and I hope you guys have fun with this as much as I had fun writing it!!!

Warnings: Cursing, Child Abuse, Vocal Abuse, if you find anything else, LET ME KNOW and i will tag it!!!!

REMINDER: Steve and Nancy had no previous relationship in this world because why not? 

Dustin Henderson was waiting in the living room, twiddling his fingers between his hands. It was fifteen minutes past when his older sister was supposed to be home from her job at the library, and he was as impatient as ever. Their mother had gone to bed long ago, but he couldn’t sleep, excitement filling his veins. The buzz of her old Vespa she fixed up last summer was nowhere, and the phone hadn’t rang all night. If she didn’t get home soon enough, Dustin was considering actually going out to look for her himself, just to save his anxious mind

Emma Henderson, five years his senior, was probably the smartest person Dustin knew, and if anyone could help him figure out what Dart was, it would be her. Besides being the most outspoken and educated one in the family, Emma was the most curious girl in the world. Whenever she wanted to know exactly how something worked, she’d just spend a day in her room, reading as much as she could, until she was close to an expert. To Dustin, she was a goddess of knowledge, one that helped him out with math homework and book reports without a second thought. Every teacher either loved her with all their heart, or wished they could have a muzzle in the classroom so she’d shut up during lessons, but Dustin loved her anyways. She had convinced their mother to buy him his first Dungeons and Dragons book, and listened to all of his ramblings. The only way to stop her was to put a book in her hands, and for a few hours, she’d be intensely focused and as silent as a cloudless night.

The biggest reason he loved her, however, was because of their father.

When their parents started to fight at night, she let Dustin creep into her bed, the screams too loud to sleep through. She’d wipe away his tears and let him fall asleep in her arms, listening to the quiet hums of songs that they would sing to. He’d tell her his fears, and she kept the secrets close to her heart, trying to reassure him as much as possible that everything was okay, even if she didn’t believe it. He was only five back then, Emma ten, almost eleven, and his childish ears should never have had to hear the aggravated yelling just down the hall.

She’d never say it, but she knew the reason her father was always angry at her mother was because of how much money her mother would spend on the books Emma wanted. Mrs. Henderson would order books about anything from physics to geography, to the complete works of William Shakespeare to keep her obsession satiated. Financially, the books never put a dent in their spendings. Mrs. Henderson worked hard, along with her husband, and she’d always set a little aside from each paycheck to get Dustin and Emma a book. Where Mrs. Henderson saw knowledge and importance in the passions of her children, Mr. Henderson saw a waste of money on children that would forget everything in just a few months. Women, to him, were mindless people only useful for cooking and fucking. Every time Emma had a new book in her hands, he’d grumble on and on about the useless woman that his daughter will turn out to be, one who doesn’t know how to keep a home or a man happy.

She could heard the words they’d throw around when they thought their children were asleep, words that left their mother sobbing and broken in the spare bedroom as her husband took the master. Emma tried to ignore them and focus on the studies of Einstein and Freud, but the bruises on her mother’s wrists and the way she held her ribs after a loud night were hard to ignore.

After a month or two of seeing her mother with a new bruise, or makeup caking her skin where he had hit her, her heart became bitter and cold. Her father was disgusting, evil, a cockroach in their house that she wanted to squash with all her might. She had read the books about parenting and relationships from the library. It was unhealthy, the way he was treating her, and she couldn’t stand by anymore. The storybooks her mother read to her when she was younger said that married people were supposed to be in love, and parents were supposed to be happy, not hurting each other with words like ‘fat whore’ and ‘useless scammer’.

Which was precisely why Emma began to fight back.

Her mother never noticed as she began to grow more and more obnoxious, the torment slowly flowing from her mother back to her. Sometimes, it was accidentally talking too long about something she had researched that day, watching her father’s face grow a dark scarlet color. She didn’t miss the way he gripped her knee, as if he wanted to crush it within his calloused and rough hands. Sometimes, it was directly asking him smartass questions, like how much alcohol cost, and why he drank so much of it if it was so expensive. He’d clench his jaw, eyes narrowed and squeeze underneath her arm to leave a dark purple bruise that forced tears to spring to her eyes and let out a breathy gasp of pain, quiet enough so her mother wouldn’t notice. The punishments weren’t always painful. Sometimes it was no dinner that night. Sometimes it was getting her books taken away. The memory of her father burning her copy of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ still shook her to her core, but she never regret her antics.  

The riskiest things she did, though, was wander into her parents’ room a few times when she heard the arguing begin. She’d have her nose in a book, and take slow steps through the door, eyes trained on a single word. Her father would fall into a restless silence as she walked up to her mother lazily, feigning innocence of the situation at hand. She’d give her mother a sweet smile, skinny fingers pointing to a single word that she ‘didn’t understand, Mommy’. Her mother, desperate to keep her husband at bay for just the night, would never hesitate to help her, even going so far to pull out a dictionary she had shoved in the bookshelf in their room, taking her dear sweet time to help her daughter understand.

Those were the times her father left the bedroom and waited in the hallway, veins popping from his neck. When she finally left the room, he wouldn’t waste a second to grab her by her jaw, squeezing as hard as he could as he hissed threats at her. She could still remember the stench of scotch on her father’s tongue, the way his spit would splatter against her face as he told her words she couldn’t quite forget. You little shit know not to interrupt your mother and I when we’re having a conversation. This is why no one wants you. This is why no one loves you. This is why you’ll die alone, because of your loud mouth and stupid brain.

He’d always finish his torment with a slap to her cheek, hard enough to knock her over a few feet, and stalk back to his room, heartbeat slowly beginning to calm down. The pain hurt like hell, the sting unrelenting, but at least for that night, she didn’t hear them yelling at each other anymore.

A month of hiding tiny bruises from her friends at school, and Emma knew she was slowly fixing the problem. Her mother’s bruises began to disappear and the tone her father used to address her was softer, slightly kinder than what it once was. She would take a million slaps, a million punches, a million nights with no dinner, anything to keep the rest of her family safe. Dustin and her mother meant more to her than the entire world, and if she was able to stop their pain, then she was doing something worthwhile.

But the explosion, the climax of her father’s anguish, was one of the worst nights of her life.

September 5th, a date Emma had burned into her mind, and it started off simple. Her father came home drunk, and when he was drunk, he’d get sleepy. When he was sleepy, he wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore. Sometimes, he got angry, and those were the times she told Dustin to go play in his room instead of in the living room, and she’d grunt and grit her teeth and take her father’s hatred instead of her mother.

Except that night, she was too busy reading to hear her father come home.

Her eyes were magnetized to a copy of Pride and Prejudice, when she heard a scream come from downstairs, her entire body going numb. The scream did not belong to her mother, but rather, her baby brother, only six years old and unaware of the problems that lay under the surface of her parents’ relationship. She dropped the book, bolting down the stairs to see her father standing over her little brother, a side of his face burned bright red from the powerful slap of his. Their mother was nowhere to be found, when Emma remembered it was a Wednesday, and she worked until 5 on Wednesdays.

And it was only 4:55.

“Stop!” She screamed at her father, his inferno of a gaze aimed straight back at Emma. He was still wearing his work boots, a steel-toed cowboy pair one since he worked on the farms, and she saw how close it’s threatening step was to her little brother’s arm. “Don’t hurt him!”

“God damn you little bitch!” He shouted at her as Dustin scrambled to get back up, pudgy body narrowly missing her father’s touch. “When will you learn that women need to be seen, and not heard!”

“If you want to hit someone,” She replied, eyes wide and serious as she stared her father down, fists clenched at her sides. Dustin shook underneath him, tracks of silent tears dripping down his face as he fought to hold back sobs. “Go and hit me instead.”

She could see Dustin beside her, and as slyly as she could, she’d let her eyes flick to the door rapidly. If he could get away, be safe for one more day, then she wouldn’t mind a single bruise that came to her. Their father was slowly approaching her as Dustin slipped away, chubby fingers slowly pulling down the lock and opening the door. His bare feet against the stone walkway of their house was music to Emma’s ears.  

Her father stood within an arms length of her, eyes narrowed and smirk upon his booze-laced lips. His cast-iron hand reached behind her, grabbing ahold of her ponytail as he tugged her face to keep her eyes forced on him.

“You think you’re some kind of saint, makin’ me hurt you instead of your mother?” He spat at her, twisting her hair tighter against her scalp. She fought to keep her hands down. It was always worse if she fought back.

With arms wide around as Emma’s entire neck, her father shoved her against the floor, head smacking against the wall. She shut her eyes tight as he pressed her shoulder back, flattening her to the ground as he stood over her, a looming spectre of anger.

“I’ll make sure you never disobey me again!” He roared against her face, letting a punch land straight against her stomach. Her entire body jolted, seizing up as he pushed one of her arms down against the floor, his steel toed boot landing straight on it with a sickening crunch and pop.

Emma couldn’t help but scream, the overwhelming sensation of pain filling her entire body. She popped her eyes open, staring straight at her father’s blackened eyes, face contorting into a beast rather than a demon. He was scarlet with anger, spit falling from his lips and hair falling into his eyes. It was a horrid look, one that Emma would see in her nightmares for years to come.

She felt him punch her again, skull bouncing off the ground. The flicker of her eyes going shut was inescapable as everything melted into black.   

Only moments later had the front door burst open and the neighbors that Dustin had ran to grab instantly sprinted to pull their father off of Emma. They held him down as the sirens of a police car and an ambulance began to fade in from down the street.

She woke up in the hospital a day later, cast on her arm and ears ringing. The way her entire head buzzed was frustrating and apparently because she had a concussion from her father. Her mother promised she’d never let anything happen to them again, and after a few more days, she was released and night still fell, and the sun still rose. The story seeped around town, everyone suddenly aware of the monster of Mr. Henderson, now in jail for assault, but no one spoke about the broken girl that had taken his anger for months and months.

The general population of Hawkins that were aware of Emma’s story always speculated that it was her father’s fault she had turned into an icy shell of the girl she once was. She was stubborn with teachers when she dared to defy them, and had been sent to the principal’s office more than once for cursing at them in class. Nancy was one of the few friends she kept, since it was easier to talk to someone who you had grown up with instead of someone who had just read in the paper about her father’s arrest.

For the most part, she kept her conversations short and voice tight. She wouldn’t hesitate to call you out on bullshit and point out just how wrong someone was, even if it was a teacher. Her ears were always open, and for some reason, she slowly became one of the top people for advice amongst her peers, just because of how intelligent she was. She’d hide in her books, and if you dared to disturb her, you’d be in for a twenty second rant about why you should never disrupt a girl that was busy. The once warm girl turned stone cold to most, and it was almost a death sentence if you tried to be rude to her.

But then, were moments where she broke. Some nights she’d wake up in a frenzy from her nightmares with tears running down her face as the vision of her father’s face only inches above her shocked her to her core. Sometimes, she’d sit by herself, unable to break the constant replay of her father’s words in her head. She would never admit it, but it was so hard to believe herself and not the voice in her head of her father. Dustin was the only one she let in, the only one that she’d ever let know exactly what was going on in her head. He listened as she cried, he told her in extreme detail how much he loved her, hell, he sometimes just gave up time with his friends to sit and be with her. He’d hold her hands when they’d shake. He’d tug on her jacket when he knew she was getting upset, and take her away. He’d do all he could to keep her happy.

They were siblings that would give up their own happiness, their own health, their own life to save the other. And they would never let that bond break them.

TAGGED: @lillie-writes

[league-of-light]

2019 What’s the Weekly Challenge Rankings Week 1 Weekly Challenge What Is It IDP Flex Weekly Challenge? Rankings

What’s up YouTubers it’s the Will + Dyl show back at it again with another set of power rankings. And by Will + Dyl back at it again I mean Dylan back at it again while I incoherently ramble nonsensical garbage next to him. We’re off to a great start. Per usual, Dylan will provide his EXPERT level statistical analysis of players and teams, and I’ll pick some stupid meme to run with. This week we’re going with Super Smash Bros because Banjo Kazooie just dropped and it’s the only light in my life outside of Ace and Dairy Delight. Anyway, take it away Dylan.

__________________________________________________

Howdy folks! It’s been a while. I’ve wanted to get back into writing Power Rankings, but it seemed like a bad idea. I haven’t followed football late in the 2017-2018 season, and honestly, I have no idea what’s going on. But Will has convinced me that it doesn’t matter, and that I can do these anyway. So without further ado, here are my power rankings, based on what I understand about the league from almost two years ago. 

11. Cleveland Browns

The Browns have been the worst organization in football for about 15 years. Last I checked, this team was losing every single game, finishing the season 0-16. And now it seems that Josh Gordon DeShone Kizer aren’t even there anymore? This team has no shot. I don’t know who this Daniel Jones fellow is, but hopefully he can help; otherwise, this team is primed for a lot of losses. 

Super Smash Bros character: Pichu. If you’ve played Smash Bros, you know that Pichu has nearly the same moveset (if not the same exact moves, sue me Evan I don’t use Pichu) as Pikachu. The only difference is, anytime Pichu attacks, it also hurts itself. Just like me, every time I look at this stupid gimmick team I decided to go with instead of actually trying to win free money.

10. Honedge Heroes

Antonio Brown AND Le’Veon Bell? I’m not a fan of taking the two Steelers, who will steal touches from each other. Brandin Cooks is great, and I like Derrick Henry, but I’ve never even heard of half of this team. This team should suspend any hope they had of being a contender. 

Smash Bro: R.O.B. Rob is a robot, so is Dylan.  I am reminded about a thing I read today on Reddit about a robot. It was written by Douglas Adams. Please hold while I find the quote:

A robot was programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches. This was actually the most difficult part of the whole experiment. Once the robot had been programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches, a herring sandwich was placed in front of it. Where upon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich! I like herring sandwiches. It would then bend over and scoop up the herring sandwich in its herring sandwich scoop, and then straighten up again. Unfortunately for the robot, it was fashioned in such a way that the action of straightening up caused the herring sandwich to slip straight back off its herring sandwich scoop and fall on to the floor in front of the robot. Whereupon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich...etc., and repeated the same action over and over again. The only thing that prevented the herring sandwich from getting bored with the whole damn business and crawling off in search of other ways of passing the time was that the herring sandwich, being just a bit of dead fish between a couple of slices of bread, was marginally less alert to what was going on than was the robot.

^ This is Dylan, and the herring sandwich is the New York Mets.

9. Cursed Will

It’s tough to rank the team with the best player in football (Aaron Rodgers) this low. But Jordy Nelson is getting up there in years, so I’m not sure how good Rodgers receivers will be. 

Super Mash Potato: King K. Rool.  Dylan had a pretty fire one for this, so I’ll let him take it away:

IT’S NICE THAT AFTER YEARS OF FREELOADING IN SMASH GAMES AS A TROPHY AND A STICKER, KING K. ROOL FINALLY DECIDED TO CONTRIBUTE AND BE PART OF THE SMASH ROSTER. THIS DOESN’T HELP ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO SPENT YEARS WITH THE EARLIER SMASH GAMES, BUT I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT NOW THAT HE’S OLD AND IRRELEVANT, HE FINALLY DECIDED TO BE USEFUL.

For those who don’t know, Evan now pays rent. For those who also don’t know, Evan and King K. Rool are both thousands of years old, have leathery skin, and eat Taco Bell every other day. Also, check out this screenshot of K Rool from when Banjo was announced, it’s literally the most Evan photo on the internet.

8. Float Like a… Whine Like AB

I’m not sure why they have Alex Smith’s backup at QB. Davante Adams and Michael Thomas are great, but Mark Ingram seems to be their only competent RB. Maybe they’ll get Alex Smith and find a way to contend. Otherwise, I’m not really sure what this team is doing. 

Smush - Donkey Kong. For those of you who don't know, Donkey Kong got his name because Nintendo wanted to convey that the ape was stubborn, so they picked the most stubborn animal they could think of. Or at least that’s how the story goes. That alone would be fitting enough for Jason, but really he gets DK because of DK’s affinity to charge up a punch and wiff on it, only to CHARGE UP AGAIN LATER.

7. tbt to K88 being platonic

I’m glad to see Larry Fitzgerald is still around, and they have Andrew Luck’s long-time favorite target Eugene Hilton. Ben Roethlisberger could have a huge year with the talent on that Pittsburgh offense, and Alvin Kamara is great. Still, I’d expect Devonta Freeman to split carries again, and the Bills’ defense can’t be very good. 

Super Dunk - Young Link.  Young Link has been out of the Smash Brothers games for over a decade which is almost as long as Harnsowl has been out of America.  Also, YL can drink a seemingly endless amount of Lon Lon Milk, just like Harnsowl with alcohol. 

6. Spicy Meatballs

From what I’ve been told, James White should be the best RB in football by now. I’ll take Phil’s word for this. And Drew Brees is awesome. But I’m not sure about the rest of the team. JuJu Smith-Schuster will have trouble getting touches over the Killer B’s, and all I know about Anthony Miller is that he was a mediocre NBA player in the 90’s who had a brief cameo in Space Jam. Tough to see this team doing well if they can’t improve on that depth. 

Super Meesh Pepe - Samus. Another soulless human robot thingamabob whose only purpose is to watch the New York Mets. Dark Samus for when the Mets lose. So I guess always Dark Samus?

5. No Content

I don’t know if Kyler Murray is actually good, but I’m expecting a big year out of Eric Decker. And the Colts QB has always loved throwing to TE’s, so Eric Ebron should have a huge year. A definite sleeper who might take the league by storm.

Supper Dinner Brother - Lil Mac.  Dylan beat me to it again:

I respect the effort that they put into making Little Mac a better character. They improved his aerial gameplay and his recovery, and made a bunch of other improvements. It must have taken them, like, 12 weeks of work! But, despite all that effort, he’s still in a low tier and can’t compete with the stronger characters.

Honestly, the biggest difference here is that Lil Mac definitely never skips leg day (see photo)

But apparently Kyle has been for the past 84 days.

4. Shit Outta Luck

For some reason, their team page says that they dropped Andrew Luck, but I’m going to assume that there’s some kind of issue in the database that will be resolved shortly. I’m assuming some team that already had a franchise QB took Saquon Barkley at a completely reasonable pick in the draft, and he’s doing great there. And Mike Evans is a star. Once Andrew Luck is re-added to the roster, this team can be a real contender.

Smash Bros Character - N/A. Dylan, Who’s fuckin team is this?

3. I’m Still Here Bitches

A shockingly strong showing for Team Arielle. David Johnson, from what I recall, is the best RB in football. Julio Jones is awesome. Dak Prescott is pretty good, although honestly, I still think Tony Romo is better. Damien Williams might not get a ton of carries in KC, but I still think this team could go a long way.

Daisy. Daisy doesn’t belong in Smash (yeah, I said it Andy), and Arielle doesn’t belong in the league

2. Team Mar

The squad from the 845 is looking very strong. Two superstar WR’s in Alshon Jeffrey and Keenan Allen, a perennial MVP candidate in Matt Ryan, and two top 5 caliber RB’s in Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffrey? I have no idea how this roster is even possible.

Mashed Potato: Joker.  I honestly know nothing about you, just like I know nothing about this anime (?) character who is in Super Smash Brothers. His name is Joker but he’s clearly not from Gotham and your instagram handle is Marisa845 and you’re clearly not from the 845 otherwise Bowers would’ve remembered seeing you at South. He knows everyone who went to South.

1. Venice Beach Hulkamaniacks 

Now here’s a team of people I recognize. A.J. Green? Trey Burton? Melvin Gordon? Shady McCoy? DION LEWIS? I honestly don’t see how things could possibly go wrong with that kind of talent. This team shouldn’t lose a single game. And there you have it. Hopefully by next week, I will have learned a little bit about the modern NFL and can take a better stab at these, but hopefully this helps get you excited for another great season of the NATIONAL! FOOTBALL! LEAGUE! Back to you Boom.

Smash Boo: King Dedede. The people’s champ. The Penguin with the Hammer.  Just like Kirby, King Dedede can suck in opponents.  Just like Bowers, if those opponents taste like carbs, he will not swallow them. King Dedede has an unrelenting hammer akin to Bowers’ unrelenting trade offers for LeShady McCoy, and had this other game where he got swol af just like Bowers is gonna be at the end of his journey. At least his 12 week journey has seen results. 

Also, I’m genuinely unsure if Bowers wrote this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jibCSdZ8xG0 

73. Andy Brown

A late addition that we had to shoehorn in here even though they don’t belong in the Power Rankings.

[spacegayapollo]

some bad news and why I havent been on much lately

its not that i feel the undying need to justify my lack of posting but more so to just get it all out in one spot, publicly. Most the people this all involves has hard/long explainations to how they are related to me.

So just before my mom came back from her spring break vacation, i get a phone call from my step dad (he WAS married to my mom, they broke up but me and him are still very close and i view him more of a healthy father figure than my own dad) that my dog has stomach, liver and intestinal cancer and has around two weeks to live. Beyond heart broken i pack as much shit i can and head over there (he lives about half an hour away) to spend as much time with my beloved Mulligan as i can. Every night was filled with booze and scream-crying.

Cindy, my step dad Randy’s girlfriend who lives with him, confesses to me shes scared Randy is going to up and leave us to move to Squamish (a very small beautiful town a few hours away). Cindy runs a foodtruck in the city and her 7 year old daughter just started school in the city. plus her kids dad lives in the city, too. making it impossible for her to move with Randy.

Now having spent two full weeks living at Randys my mom is starting to get pissed off, and very very jealous. When i told my dad whats been going on (i havent lived at his house for almost two years now) he become even more angry and upset that i have hardly been spending time with him. He even tried to bribe with the fact that hes going to see my little sister (havent seen her for over 4 years) this weekend to talk with her mom and try and figure out if she can visit us, Then to make things even more stressful, Randy asks if im moving in forever. Not the first time hes asked me to move in with them either.

In my dogs honor and memory, i get the same tattoo he has in his ear on my wrist. This upsets whos relationship with me i can only truly capture by discribing it as an asexual relationship. Me and Efrat have an incredible bond but she is straight and im not super duper into sex with others anyways. She is convinced by our mutual friends that right before my dog dies is a perfect time to tell me she is hurt and upset about my tattoo. She also has the same tattoo as her dog. I get beyond upset. I start crying my eyes out and yell “do you think youre the only one with this kind of tattoo in the whole world? My fucking dog is about to die and you seriously thought right now is a great time to bring this up?” she replies by admitting “I dont know what i am trying to get out of this conversation” and before i think to do anything worst, i storm out of her house.

Its a very common thing for people who are close to me to completely avoid me when i am very angry. So Efrat doesnt talk to me for three days. In those three days i call her of a total 15 times. She sent me one text saying “cant talk right now.” desperate to get a hold of her i call one of our friends to see is she is with her. Our friend tells me she went to the Island to visit my friend Eden.

This is where i get livid.

Eden has been my bestfriend since we were 4. She sadly had to move away in highschool so i saw her a lot less. After highschool she moved to the Island. Her roommate is a very charming guy. Efrat went to visit them once with her at the time boyfriend (who was a trash human to me all through highschool) and she falls for Edens roommate.

To make this situation perfectly clear; Efrat left to go try and hope on some dick and get high while i was losing my mind over my dog dying and the fact that Randy might ditch. All of this she knew very damn well about. And she ignored me and did not say she was going to the Island.

The day comes where we have to put down Mulligan. I can say with a sure fact that i have not lived a worst day. This was 5 days ago and i still have yet to stop randomly breaking down on the bus, at work and waking in the middle of the night crying my fucking eyes out. I dont hear a single fucking word from Efrat. We held a bombfire by the beach that night in honor of my pup that all my friends came to. She told others she was coming, but as you can guess did not show up. Didnt even send a simple text saying “cant make it, sorry.”

Two days later my best friend says her girlfriend cheated on her. Their breakup quickly gets out of control and all i will say is that the cop are involved. So she and my other friend stay the night with me at Randys place. While feeling like i am losing all control of everything important to me i somehow manged to comfort her. I finally get a hold of Efrat.

In prior nights my friends had seriously brought to my attention how damaging my relationship really is with Efrat. They encourged me all through the week to stand up to her and basically say cut the shit.

Being the stupid piece of pathetic shit i am, i crumble at the sound of her voice. Eventually we get to the point where i ask “what now” she tells me she doesnt want to cut me out but maybe slowly ease me back into her life. Somehow in all of this i am now treating her like the victim.

We have been planning a trip to Isreal (where shes from) since the beginning of the year to go in may. I have the whole month booked off and tons of money saved up. But after all this i dont think i want to go. Thankfully the tickets arent bought so i still have a little bit of time to figure that out.

I also thought shit at work was FINALLY getting better having my Chef fired and my sous chef that i so dearly idolize come back. But now hes acting really really different towards me. We have what is pretty obvious the closest relationship anyone has at work. We get alone perfectly, and deeply respect eachother. He even confessed i was the real reason he came back to our kitchen. But we arent roughhousing like we normally do, he hardly asks me to come out for smokes with him and i cant remember the last time he told me one of his amazing stories from when he was younger. Its crushing me that i have no idea if i have done something wrong, or if hes jealous of how close im becoming with our new chef, or if its something so unrelated to me and hes just taking it out on me because he knows i can handle it. I look up to him so much and it was so fucking hard the first time he left that i couldnt handle losing him again. so this is driving me fucking insane.

It really feels like every aspect of my life is going up in flames and the only positive thing i have to look forward to is American Gods coming out soon. Theres hardly any good shit happening in my friends lives so i cant even be happy and proud of them. Theres close to no healthy distractions avalible to me.

[fluffandfiteme-archived]

#JustKeepWriting 1/13/17

Not 15 minutes ago I was planning to go to sleep. Between the ping pong game the medical “professionals” are playing regarding my mother’s well being and my own matters, I have been drained and exhausted. An unrelated note, the death of diets is mothers. I haven’t given up on eating less, but today certainly took a hit.

But no, as I went into my mother’s room to say good night, she read a question of her social media site of choice-Quora, a privately run question and answer site. A single question ignited me, and now I must write on a topic I have before, and likely will again.

“What is a Mary Sue and how do I avoid writing one?”

I sucked in my breath before answering. You see, in my dozen years of dabbling in social circles based on movies, games, and shows I have encountered this term. It has been used to terrify young women who really want to write a character who happens to be extraordinary. Most often it was used to refer to fan created characters who appeared in fan fiction or role play, frequently pairing off with a pre-existing character and potentially changing the course of canon.

I mean not that that it doesn’t make complete sense that a new character of substance could change the course of a history. Because you know what? It really does.

It was usually used as a shaming technique on female writers or writers who created female characters. Often called overpowered, too perfect, too happy, and too tragic and angsty all at the same time.

Over the years, the name calling of Mary Sue has moved to canonical characters, in other words, characters in the main narrative by the same writer as everyone else who do appear in the work. A fresh example was regarding Rey, in Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Before that, I remember Xion who appeared in Kingdom Hearts Days. Technically there’s a number in that title, but it was confusing and false advertising so everyone calls it Days. Bella Swan from Twilight and the character that was once literally her in fanfiction, Anastasia Steele from 50 Shades of Grey have both been called it. (Yes, I read it. Will probably continue to for research to further tear it apart and write alternate reality fiction. Who knows, maybe I’ll knock off 50 to expose the dangers and conflict caused by the so called romance).

During the brief questioning regarding Rey, I wrote on my old blog comparing her to Anakin and Luke Skywalker as they appeared in the previous trilogies. Except I did it without identifying any of them until after their scores were in. My scoring methods were simple: did they follow the core components of Wikipedia’s definition, and how high did they score on the Universal Mary Sue Test.

[The mentioned Quiz is found here ]

[The full posts can be found here and here

Shockingly of the three leads, Rey scored the lowest on both counts. She was the most balanced of the characters. Anakin was inching onto the Sue scale. And Luke was no holds barred.

But you know what the funny thing I noticed in my own experiences are?

I have never once heard someone call a male character a Mary Sue. Now, there is a term for it-Gary or Marty Stu. But I have literally never heard it used.

(I mean, there are characters that are just really badly written, but this is about the Mary Sue stigma used to keep female characters demur, weak, and undeveloped.)

Now, the wikipedia intro blurb defines a Mary Sue as:

“An idealized and seemingly perfect fictional character, a young or  low rank person who saves the day through unrealistic abilities. Often this character is recognized as an author insert or wish fulfillment.”

Author insert aside, because fuck you I have two characters that started that way but both of them and I have diverged and developed completely independent and because I write them well, no one could guess, and most enjoy writing against them in role play.

Idealized and seemingly perfection fictional character, often young or low rank who saves the day through unrealistic abilities.

Literally any and all Jedi could be shoved under this category.

Kingdom Hearts is literally full of lead characters and supporting cast fitting this classification-not to speak of Square Enix and Disney, the parent companies.

One could say Bella qualifies, given her unique resistance to vampire abilities, her teenage status, and how all the boys and girls lobe her.

The same cannot actually be said about her fanfiction counterpart, Ana Steele? I refuse to count 21 as young, she doesn’t save the day through unrealistic abilities, and she is not perfect.

But you know what? By that definite, Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, is a Mary Sue. He was a kid from Brooklyn, barely old enough to be drafted, if he had ever qualified. He was poor as dirt, so also of low rank. He has no real character flaws of note, Civil War not withstanding because that’s a separate issue but the narrative still displays him as in the right. And suddenly through the power of science, he becomes a super human and saves the world time and time again.

Or hey kids, how about Batman? Little Bruce Wayne is orphaned, but over the years trains and uses the family fortune profits to run the company, improve Gotham City’s socioeconomic structure, win multiple hearts and minds, and oh yeah, create an arsenal of super advanced and cool tools and weapons with a bat theme, including a car, a super computer, a suit, and a secret lab.

Oh! Aragorn! You know, the Ranger, Strider, Aka, Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Isulder’s heir from Lord of the Rings? His mother literally died dropping him on the doorstep of the elves in Rivendell. Thus he became a human raised among them, and oh yeah, he’s a Dunedin (not sure how that’s spelled) with super ranger tracking abilities and extra long life expectancy. Not like elf long, but easily topping dwarf or Hobbit. Wins the heart of Arwen, then Eowyn, basically the only two female characters that aren’t Galadirel. Who by the way is Arwen’s aunt so that would be weird. He unites the previously warring peoples of Elves, different nations of man, and even a few hobbits and a dwarf. And I mean like literally the day before he gave King Theodan a pep talk, Rohan was of the mind Gondor could go screw themselves. And the elves had been completely indifferent. Oh, and lets not forget the special chosen prince totally not Excaliber sword he used to summon the army of ghosts that wiped out the entire force attacking Minas Tirith.

Captain Kirk. Even before the reboot, he was mister Captain Perfect Hair. He could do no wrong, and generally had a different lover interest every episode. And oh yeah, he was born in Iowa, pre reboot, a good old country boy.

Lets see, Marvel, DC, Fantasy, Scifi…

I feel like I need anime and video game examples next.

Bleach. An old favorite though some of the final arc decisions-well, let me be honest, the final pairing decisions, left me put off. Anyway. Ichigo Kurosaki is the lead character. Spoilers ahead for anyone not familiar. It turns out he’s a half Shinigami on his father’s side, half Quincy on his mother’s side, and a pinch of Hollow because house Isshin met his mother. Which means all three main races, that DO NOT GET ALONG THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SERIES, he is part of. Even at the beginning of the show, he’s got the ability to see ghosts and spirits, and seems to be able to take on entire gangs on his own. He is a poor boy whose father runs an urgent care clinic, and is guilt stricken constantly about the death of his mother. Which later becomes a major plot point like twice over to give him angst. Once given Shinigami powers, or once his powers awaken, he is an instant bad ass, having more abundant spirit energy then anyone has ever seen. Literally every time a rule is explained in Bleach, you know its purpose is for Ichigo to break that rule. And oh yeah, with the exception of the lesbian and his sisters, literally every female character of note who encounters Ichigo has a a desire or longing for him of some form. Rangiku might be an exception, but I know Rukia, Orihime, Neliel, and Tatsuki all have a thing for him. And yes, he saves all of existence pretty regularly.

Video games are rife with examples of this blatancy. Cloud Strife comes to mind, a well known character from Final Fantasy VII. Multiple unlockable date scenes, boy from the country, tragic story. Low rank, still saves the world with the power of friendship. (TELL ME I’M WRONG). But I will also cite a much older known character.

Mario. Mario of Super Mario Brothers, Mario Party, and Mario Cart. Among many others. He is a plumber, who accidentally found up in the Mushroom Kingdom through the pipes. There he learns he can crush enemies by jumping on them, double in size if he eats the right mushroom, and develop a number of abilities such as pyrokinesis or growing a tail and being able to fly. And of course, he defeats the dragon and saves the princess. Remember: he is a plumber.

Now here’s my point. All of these characters would fulfill the qualifications of a Mary Sue. But none of them have ever been called one. Why not? I assume because they each have a penis. (Except maybe Cloud. I maintain Cloud is a gender fluid female).

There is literally an anime out about a dude who wins everything in one punch. If it was a chick I guarantee it would not have gotten past an episode.

The point I am making here is: most stories feature a hero that starts at a low point of some form, be it tragedy, rank, or age. They may develop a love interest, and eventually save the world through extraordinary means. This is actually a skeleton that can be applied to almost any movie, book, game, or show.

But that doesn’t mean they can’t be enjoyed. I encourage you to keep loving Batman and Captain America and Aragorn, and everyone else I highlighted. What I also encourage is to compare a female character if she wasn’t female to Batman, Superman, Captain America, or Aragorn. You may find Mary Sue falls apart. I know I have.

I have a friend. A chosen sister. We butt heads for a while because I got so paranoid about making overpowered characters, I didn’t like writing with them-even if they weren’t mine. I’ve now realized that’s not the point. If you write a character well, and let the reader or viewer understand that through the narrative, that’s all that matters. Male, female, power level, rank, and number of love interests just don’t matter.

Mary Sue doesn’t matter.

Perhaps I’ll bring back Mary Sue Monday...