#the edging.....I'll just cry as it is
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neighbor!joshua who's been your lifelong friend, next door living companion, and quite literally embodies the "nice guy next door".
for as long as you can remember he's been by your side. you've swung on the swings side by side, walked together to the school bus stop, sat together in every class, moved in and out of the city to chase your respective dreams, and now have settled down in a cute neighborhood. you've spent every moment together and unlike some might think - it never gets old.
he's like your rock and safe place. you only see each other when you're both home - but considering you work remotely and he spends a suspicious amount of time talking on the phone in his kitchen-turned-office... well, it's no different than your college flatmate days.
Though this time there's a whole building to separate you from each other and not just a couple of rooms and walls.
you'd think that's a better arrangement but it's not. especially when he knocks on your door before dusk for your weekly walk down to the grocery store. like always, he sweetly asks how your day was - eyes never daring to stray from your own even with you wearing nothing but a comfy t-shirt that just barely covers your bare legs.
even tho you really want to slam the door petulantly in his face, you leave it ajar - scowling and stomping off to find proper clothes. joshua closes it genteelly behind him and hums his infamous comfort song while he waits, not venturing further from the entrance despite the free show he'll likely get of you changing carelessly. or maybe on purpose. even as roommates, he's never walked in on you.
when you emerge back out from your room, your attire really isn't all that different - although you actually have shorts on this time even if they barely cover your ass. like clockwork, joshua shrugs off his jean jacket and lays it to sit in the crease of your elbow to carry. he knows you'll eventually get chilly from the evening breeze which is actually an excuse to simply cuddle his jacket in your arms and smell his cologne.
joshua's always nice to you, ever the gentleman. sometimes you wished he'd be a little mean. slap you around a bit. like you know he did to the people he'd bring back to your shared home and into his bed throughout the university years. you're a bit on the wild side too (ahem, broken bed frame) so you think he either doesn't want to disturb the friendship balance you're perfectly fine disrupting OR even more terribly, he doesn't find you attractive.
it's sad. often you wonder if he's ever noticed the way you squeeze your thighs together when he scolds you for staying out too late drinking at bars and to hurry home with him. stripping your outerwear off and manhandling you under your sheets with a hangover remedy on the nightstand when you wake up and a check-in scold early next morning before work starts.
but joshua causally holds your hand as usual on the way back from the store, swinging it in opposite time with the full bags of snacks and drinks held in the other. your sour attitude doesn't affect his cheerful mood because he thinks the stars shine brighter, the sleeping flower petals look a bit more vibrant, and the air a generally feels little sweeter all because he's by your side where he has always belonged.
his little grin grows wider on his face as he watches you - observing how over the years your pouty, bratty behavior grows - enjoying the way he can work you up until he breaks you.
oh, and he will. when he's had enough of you slamming doors and drawers around the kitchen one weekend afternoon after feeling snubbed once more at your attempt to seduce your dumb best friend.
you find yourself whirled away from where you were glaring daggers into the poor cupboard, pinned against the counter top, and caged between joshua's arms. face almost pressing against his broad chest that heaves with restrained annoyance. he brushes your earlobe with his large thumb, clicking his tongue as his thigh slots between yours.
"you have to be careful not to hurt yourself, sweetheart. it'd break my heart if anything bad happened to you... anything made you cry." now he strokes your cheek, looking incredibly worried before it abruptly changes to a harsh scowl. "except you want me to make you cry. tired of me playing nice, begging me to be mean to my sweet friend."
it certainly kills him when you give him your consent - he knew all along what you wanted. bending you over and stretching you out with his long fingers buried deep inside your cunt after a couple of slaps to your ass and clit. then prepping you with his tongue after helping you up on the counter with such shaky legs that he has to hold away from wrapping around his head that's in between them to now devour your pussy.
and you just gaze at him with those pretty eyes and his lips curl. a light slap to your cheek, it lacks any malice behind it and doesn't hurt. but it makes your lips part and he hooks his thumb between them, eyes narrowing. encouraging you to speak, despite it coming out mispronounced due to the finger in your mouth.
"nasty little thing, aren't you?"
edging you both times so when he finally thinks you just might deserve his cock, you're instantly coming undone the minute its large tip brushes against your wet folds.
and your sweet joshua has to turn mean, mean, mean - clicking his tongue and shaking his head in faux disappointment. degrading you for being such a whore for him - and while yes, you're a good whore for him - he needs you to behave and listen to first like the lovely darling he knows you are. and he's going to start all over until you can obey his orders of when you can cum.
he's kissing your tears away, reminding you that this is what you wanted as if your tight walls aren't squeezing around him even tighter every time he has to restart. you love it. and joshua's intent to have you on every surface of his house. and yours next.
"knew you'd love being treated like this but i just... you mean so much to me, how could i dare? look at you - so drunk off me right now from a little bit of cruelty. but even my niceness was too much for you, so don't pout all pretty at me now, love or i'll be tempted to stick my cock in between those lips of yours and not in that sweet pussy i've been dreaming of for years."
#.....#I'm-#i-#why is everyone so determined to not let me move on from this man?#everytime i think i have fucking *finally* found peace and am crawling my way away from him something has to fucking drag me back#why do you hate me?#like mean josh isn't my kryponite#the face smacking#i need to chew on electrical wiring#i completely bypassed all of my bookmarks my queue and everything#you're sick in the head elv#the edging.....I'll just cry as it is#ah a fellow pusher of the big dick josh agenda#but at the cost of my sanity#i just got out of the shower and that was apparently for nothing i am ruined#joshua hong smut#joshua seventeen smut#seventeen joshua smut#seventeen smut#elv <3
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work song by Hozier but it's a mother-daughter relationship. is this anything
#I've straight up been sobbing abt this for like 4 straight minutes#like ok hear me out#“is that the kinda a way to face the burning heat / I just think about my baby” her child is her sole/main source of motivation#“no grave can hold my body down / i'll crawl home to her” her daughter brings her back from the edge- she basically saves her. I am CRYING#“when my baby found me/I was three days on a drunken sin” accident baby conceived during a bender this animatic basically storyboards itsel#“Nothin' in her room but an empty crib” DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY. cuz I'm gonna anyway#the weight of the responsibility she now holds for another human only becomes real to her once she sees the fully furnished nursery#“If the Lord don't forgive me/I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me” they are two women against the world. on their own basicall#“When I was kissin' on my baby” nothing particularly emotional here I was just imagining like peppering a baby's face in kisses n it's cute#“Heaven and hell were words to me” AGAIN. NOTHING MATTERS TO HER. EXCEPT HER DAUGHTER. OAUGH#hozier#work song
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Hi!! I hope you're feeling better! So... I guess you are never gonna write that Pregnancy AU.... May I ask how that one would play out?
Hii!!
I am so sorry, but yeah, I don't think I'll ever have the time😅
So this is basically the plotline: Simón and Ámbar managed to have a short relationship in Season 2 before he found the handkerchief and everything went to hell. It wasn't a long relationship, mind you, but it was, like, two months or something like that, and in that time, they got intimate with each other (bc in this AU neither of them were virgins, so it was easier for them to just let their raging hormones go).
Anyway, eventually Simón found the handkerchief and they had an ugly break up just like in the show. Ámbar still took revenge on the Roller Team by joining the Sliders and stealing the choreography, she befriended Emilia during the month and a half in Cancún, and then everyone went back to Buenos Aires and Ámbar is now wearing full black, just like in the show.
Except, she's been feeling kind of weird lately and it only gets worse once she's back at her house. She thinks it might be stress or sadness because it's not even her house anymore and she's surrounded by annoying people and her godmother abandoned her. The flicker of an idea was in the back of her mind but she didn't want to believe that because why would she? Simón and her always used protection, so there was no way. (And her luck was already bad enough, so there was no way. Life couldn't hate her that much.)
But as time went by and her period didn't come and she was vomiting frequently, she just had to make sure. So she takes some tests some day that no one else is at the house, just for extra privacy, (I believe I wrote this in a oneshot? I don't remember) and... they're positive.
Ámbar doesn't take it well, for obvious reasons. She's extremely angry at Simón for not noticing that some condom broke because that was the only way this happened. She immediately thinks of getting an abortion bc why the hell would she have this baby? She's too young, Simón doesn't love her, no one loves her, Sharon abandoned her, she can't just further ruin her life, she can't.
Except then she remembers that she is adopted. She remembers that someone didn't want her and gave her away, and she just... can't do that to another person. This baby is not at fault for anything. Every child should be loved at least by their mother.
So, she decides to keep it. She is Ámbar Smith, she can do anything and triumph, so she will have this baby and do just that.
But, of course, that brings the problem that she has to tell Simón, because, even if they had a horrible falling out and she doubted he would want to be involved (hell, she didn't even know if she would want him to be involved) he deserved to know.
Keep in mind, this is not like in canon Season 3 where Simón had a magical change of heart and started flirting with Ámbar immediately at the beginning of the season. In here, things are strained between them. Simón had a lot of time to think in Cancún, so sure, he's not as angry with Ámbar as he originally was, he does feel a little bad for how he ended things with her, but he's not sorry he did end up things because Ámbar did a lot of bad stuff, and she was continuing to do bad stuff, with no apparent remorse, so he couldn't be with someone like that (no matter how much he still has feelings for her and sometimes longs for the old days in which they were together and happy.) He has noticed that Ámbar hasn't been feeling well lately, and against all reason, he's a little worried, but he's not going to ask; it's none of his business anymore.
So, Simón doesn't believe Ámbar at first when she tells him she's pregnant and the baby is his. After all, how could it be his? They used protection every time, and he tells her that, to which Ámbar replies that condoms are only 99% effective, they can break, but Simón, rightfully scared shitless at the possibility and also not trusting Ámbar one bit, doesn't believe they could be that unlucky and accuses her, instead, of sleeping with some other guy in Cancún and now trying to latch this baby onto him.
Ámbar is rightfully outraged and hurt, but mostly outraged, because "Why the fuck would I be telling you this if you weren't the father? Do you think I want you in my life after how you threw me away? If I could choose literally any other guy on the planet, I would!!" And "Lovely to know that you not only think of me as a liar but also as someone who just sleeps with anyone. Thank you very much, Simón. You know what? Think whatever you want. I'll take care of it on my own. Forget I said anything."
(Of course, that 'I'll take care of it' could very much mean 'I'll get rid of it', Simón has no idea she has decided to keep it, so there's that.)
Eventually, (and it doesn't take that long, really) Simón comes around because Ámbar's logic does make sense (Why would she tell him of all people when they broke up horribly? It had to be true) and also because, well, Ámbar looked sincere (he ignores the voices in his head calling him stupid for trusting her) and condoms aren't perfect, and he wants to believe that what they had really did mean something, and they created something beautiful together as proof of that, even if the magic of those days is dead now.
So he appeals to Ámbar, tries to tell her that he wants to be part of it, but Ámbar is shutting him out because she's mad as hell at him (and maybe she's mad at a lot of other things and projecting that onto him as well, but fuck him, he got her pregnant at 18)
Eventually, they have a deep conversation and decide to do this together, even if they're not together anymore. (I wrote a oneshot about this, it starts as a fight but it deescalates.) So, Simón supports her in every way that he can, goes to the doctor's appointments (if Ámbar lets him tag along), reads info on the internet, pretty much gives up on his music dreams because he needs a better job if he wants to help Ámbar take care of the baby, etc.
(When Ámbar finds out about this, she tells him to not drop everything for her, that she has money, that Luna already promised to give half the fortune to her to support the baby, but Simón is not convinced. He has to do something. He is half-responsible for that baby and Ámbar is already doing everything by carrying it to full term, how can he not contribute with something?)
Btw, telling both their families is a whole mess, but eventually, they all come around because they're good people. (Some relatives of Simón do say that he should marry her because it's the responsible thing to do, but they're old-fashioned, and Ámbar wouldn't want to marry him even if he asked. ......right?)
So, the pregnancy moves forward, making them share little moments together like the ultrasounds, feeling when the baby starts kicking, learning the gender (It's a girl!!), and both talking and singing to it because they learn that she can hear them and they want her to know her mommy's and daddy's voices. ("We'll probably make a lot of mistakes, little one, but we promise to do our best for you.")
Throughout all this, Ámbar mellows out because, she's a mother now, all those petty rivalries and revenge plans are not important anymore, her baby is, and she wants to be a good example for her, she doesn't want her to go through what she did.
And Simón was always soft, but he softens even more when Ámbar stops being hostile towards everyone and instead starts acting like the Ámbar he fell in love with. Plus, she looks absolutely radiant. Whoever came up with the term 'baby glow' was 100% correct-- She's never been more beautiful.
By the second semester, the attraction between the two is all alive and kicking again (and was it ever really gone?) and around month 5 they end up kissing because they just couldn't not to. But it's not as simple as that because now they have a baby to think about. They can't just try and date again, that already didn't work once, and they had enough problems and things to deal with now to add a blooming exes-to-lovers relationship to the mix.
So they don't get back together... yet. The feelings are there, the attraction is there-- Hell, they kiss sometimes because it feels right and as long as it's just some innocent kisses, there's no problem, right? (It does get heated sometimes- But is still just kisses!) They agree that it's just not the time to rekindle this thing between them. They should wait until the baby is born, see if after months of sleepless nights and changing diapers and stress taking care of it they still have feelings for each other, and if so, then it could be smart to try again.
Except-- FUCK THAT, because they love each other, Simón loves her, and Ámbar could die in the delivery, and then what? They were never together because of fear? Who cares if it might not work out, no one ever knew that for sure, and it was precisely because of their baby that they should try. She deserved a whole family instead of a fragmented one, didn't she?
Simón conveys all of this to Ámbar, speaks about hope and believing in love and about how in love with her he is and how much he loves their daughter already, and how he just doesn't want to wait to be with her and start their life together.
It's all so beautiful and emotional that Ámbar's eyes water and... Oh. Her water broke.
Oh Shit.
oH SHIT!
So, anyway, they rush to the hospital (don't worry, the baby was close enough to full-term that it's not really dangerous, it's fine) and Ámbar has the delivery (she curses everything and everyone while Simón tells her she's strong and she can do this!) and, eventually, their beautiful daughter is born.
They both cry. Well, and the baby too, of course, so that makes three.
In the end, it all works out; They're together, their daughter is (demanding, exhausting, overwhelming) healthy and beautiful and they love her so much, everyone dotes on her (Simón moved into the mansion for the time being, and Ámbar's whole family is there to help them raise their daughter, so it's not so hard), Simón and Ámbar's relationship seems to be working even with all the stress (they support each other, so that helps them bond), oh, and the Roller Band does get a record deal (BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT, THEY BASICALLY HAD IT WITH VIDIA, YOU CAN NOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM.)
*Cough* So, happy ending to everyone! Eventually, Ámbar finds the time to go to university (I'll let you choose what she studies), and once she graduates, Simón proposes to her, she says yes, and they live happily ever after with their lovely daughter <3 (And if there's another little one on the way after the honey moon, well... 🤫 Don't tell them yet, it's a surprise.)
#simbar#simbar fic#not really a FULL fic but...#anon#answered#short writings#I hope you all liked this concept because I love it <3#My Writing#I love these two so much *cries*#I didn't come up with a name for their daughter because I have *one* name in mind and I'm planning on using it on RTC#although maybe not- maybe I'll use it on some other story- but I WILL use it bc I have that whole scene written and I love it#even if they don't have a baby in RTC I assure you it will still be a happy ending- don't worry#babies might just not make it to that story bc it's long as fuck and I'm crying to cut some edges#lest I finish it in 2040#and I probably *will* still be writing simbar in 2040--But dear GOD let me at least be free of RTC by then
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i'm in the middle of doing something else right now + i don't normally make posts like this so this is going to be pretty poorly put together, but..
re:dmc1 novel, is gilver actually supposed to be vergil? i personally always assumed he was (+ and was therefore responsible for the resulting massacres etc.) until i last reread a few days ago:
for those unaware: the DMC1 novel mainly features demons that inhibit the corpses of dead humans. there are some instances of demons that don't possess any corpses which are described as "scythe-swinging shadows", but the main focus are the possessed corpses.
“Humanity was born a race of our slaves.” Gilver pressed harder on his weapon, and a thin stream of red blood rolled down Grue's neck. “Inhabiting the corpses taxes our strength and limits our numbers. But soon we will be able to migrate to this plane in our own prepared bodies.” (pg. 120)
The bandaged man [Gilver] radiated an aura of decay. (pg. 149)
however, dante does mention that gilver "doesn't smell like" the other demons. i left in the rest of the lines in mainly because i found gilver's characterization and dialogue here interesting:
“What are you, man? You don't smell like those other things.” “You don't need to know. In any case, I'm going to crush you.” Dante shrugged. “That's a fitting line for a villain.” “Your absurd labels are meaningless.” Gilver cackled behind his bandages. “The victor will be called the hero by future generations. Arguing about good and evil is pointless.” (pg. 172)
addt. gilver repeatedly separates himself from not only humans, but also dante:
“Do you have any questions, Dante? You have treacherous blood in you.” (pg. 172)
[...] Gilver finally pronounced. “You have our blood coursing through your veins. You're the mongrel half-breed offspring of a human and a demon. And you betrayed our side.” (pg. 173)
“This is your world,” he finally said. “Yes. The demon world is replacing yours. It will spread out from this nexus until finally everything is consumed.” Gilver hefted his sword, seemingly recovered from Dante's last attack. “This place is a cancerous blight to incomplete souls like you. [...] (pg. 180-181)
..... which is interesting, because throughout all of the novel dante has had trouble existing for any amount of time in the demon realm. whatever amount of devil blood in him doesn't help him and he struggles to stay awake and fight, even at the barrier between the two worlds. that said, gilver very obviously has access to some amount of demon power, mainly as shown through their battle in which he dons his.. demon armour lol
there are multiple other things that i didn't feel like touching upon right now, and the biggest issue is that... this is goikeda and kamiya's vision, not itsuno's. so it's possible that this IS actually vergil as the two wanted to write him, but considering this takes place just before DMC1.. it really could be possible that vergil's just been something considered dead, right?
... or maybe it is vergil and he just has blood on his hands and wanted dante to suffer, like i initially assumed. if anyone has any opinions or disagrees with me, please feel free to say as much :P i'd really like to analyze this book more and try to relate it to other DMC lore but it really is pretty difficult with how much has been retconned throughout the franchise. thanks for reading!
#devil may cry#dmc#vergil#vergil sparda#vergil dmc#dmc vergil#devil may cry novel#dmc novel#mine#text#i'll reread again soon honestly and give everything a much more analytical eye#sorry that this is really sloppily written x_x#also loling at the possessed corpses now that i've finally played resident evil#there's another interesting line which was clearly retconned re: dante and ... force edge? rebellion??#..... it's probably something like rebellion i'm assuming since it's awakened form is described as ''double-edged'' which the sparda is not#but anyway i'll post the line later just because i found it interesting#i wish. i wish. i wish. i wish we had more details about vergil. i really really do. i would very much like to know more about him-#and what kind of life he lived#ok byebye
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Well, once again running into trauma my parents gave me (unfortunately it's most of it) because the Cat That Uncontrollably Eats Plants got in my room to eat the single plant that is in there and got a good chunk of leaf. now he's in Observation and I'm dealing with the actual adrenaline issues instead of the adrenaline dumps i was getting (apparently. learned about what those are today and that explains A LOT ACTUALLY.)
Turns out getting run over by the dog who is at minimum half your size when you're like 6 or 7 and then getting told it's your fault she got out and ran off when there was nothing you could have done to stop her even if you'd known she was going to do that, and being yelled at and told to chase her down on your own is a lot for a small child. The fact that I was on dog catcher duty even when it wasn't "my fault" they got out over the years ever since probably also didn't help.
(quotes on "my fault" to emphasize i'm trying to reframe this at least somewhat in my head as of Right The Fuck Now because this is unhealthy. this is an unhealthy way to live and it will not help any cats in times of crises if my first reaction is to immediately punish myself instead of getting help and also i'm allowed to get help even if I do mess up and it is my fault but this time it super isn't and neither were any of the other times because i wasn't negligent or unobservant i was a child and also the dogs were untrained and also Solaire the cat is a menace who will find plants you didn't even know you had to eat)
#so my wheelchair is coming with me tonight to festivities and that's that#i had been playing with the idea that i would tough it out without but honestly i'll feel better if that's where i get to sit and i don't#have to worry about accidentally taking up someone else's chair#oh shit uhh yeah#this post brought to you by#the very tentative attempt at decorating that left it so my door didn't latch shut behind me while i went to take a shit#and i was gone long enough for an opportunist to shoot his shot and eat the tip off a leaf of Chester the Croton Plant Chreeto#hopefully Agatha was unharmed (she's the spider that lives on Chester's pot)#i decorated chester and that little BASTARD MAN BABY BOY REMORSELESS CRIMINAL moved my decoration out of place#to get at the plant better - it wasn't even in the *way*#i know Chester's supposed to be in dormancy and i was gonna let him get droopy enough to start loosening up his leaves to take off a couple#damaged ones anyway but now i feel bad and the only way i know how to make it up to plans is to give them more water#but he's supposed to be resting so i'm trying to let the guy rest for the winter#hhhhhhhhhhh#okay. i'm. getting a headache from the panic and crying and now i get to go through the cortisol crash i guess fun times fun times i love#i love my POTS flaring up during this time too this has been super fun it's been like a week of nonsense but at least my back doesn't hurt#as bad anymore#i think the amitryptaline (sp?) is at least taking the edge off of the pain so i can function on just the NSAIDs and tylenol#(i got those n-saids and tylenol - got that good something something something rest of the song)
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finished my second stp playthrough!
i loved this one too it had a slope of redemption which i really liked and that made the ending really sweet
the only part i disliked is that i chickened out when i got the nightmare (it wasn't what i wanted to get i didn't think it would actually let me run away lmao) and just turned around and ended up getting the denial achievement, which is fine but i kinda wish i got the razor instead she would've fit into the story better i think
the vessels i did get are as follows! first i got the adversary which i loved she is definitely one of my favourites, then i got the fury which i quite liked, i was aiming for apotheosis but i did it wrong oops, then i got the drowned grey which im gonna be so real i completely forgot i was sitting here so confused like which one did i miss?? then i got the princess and the dragon which i loved so so much that was such a cute route absolute cutiepie, and finally i got thorn! i love thorn she's a favourite for sure, i did the romance route and it's so sweet <33
i was kind of a bitch to the shifting mound but like im not a fan of shifty LMAO it was my plan to go with her but i couldn't do it i just don't want to 😭 so i ran away with the princess again! im glad i did because i got to see how different the dialogue is if you started out with violence, it felt like a really fitting end so im happy with it!
obligatory wife photos <333333
#i really wasn't in the mood to play nightmare lmao#ive been on edge and anxious recently i cannot handle jumpscares and shit 😭#im not happy i bailed though that kinda sucked#i do wish i did something else#but you can't change it!#and that's okay :)#i forgot to mention nightmare was the second one i got#which i promptly ran away from lmaoo#it's kinda hilarious actually#going from running away to slaying a god#i kinda love that ngl#currently my favourite princesses are#witch thorn adversary and princess and the dragon#also tower i love tower#im not sure if i will play again#i might not#at least not for a while#trying to unlock everything and get every achievement isn't really how i like to play games#idk its just not my vibe but we'll see#there are more i want to see that i haven't yet#like i haven't seen apotheosis or burned grey before#i would also like to do wraith den beast and wild#im not sure i want to do burned grey ngl i think i would cry 😭#can you do beast den and wild all in one playthrough?? i would imagine you can only do one#there are enough vessels i would like to see for me to play again#i think i'll take a break though#i don't want to speed through everything at once then never touch it again#since im not planning on 100% it#ANYWAY i have yapped so much that's enough#I LOVE THE PRINCESS!!!!
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Why am I like this
#I'm so frustrated with myself#I wanted to have dinner two hours ago but I just didn't#and now I've sat around for two hours really hungry doing nothing#so I've wasted two hours I could have been productive during#and now I'm barely even hungry anymore I just feel kinda sick and so angry with myself#and I really doubt I'll manage to get anything done once I've finally cooked and eaten dinner#because it's late and I already feel tired#and the fact that I'm so upset with myself certainly doesn't help either#I can't focus when I feel like this I just want to cry and scream and hurt myself#which sounds so dramatic over absolutely nothing I know it's stupid#but I just get like this sometimes#I was already feeling kinda on edge all day and it's just getting worse#everything is so loud and I'm stressed and overwhelmed#my head already really hurt but I just hit it so hard god I'm so stupid I wish I wasn't like this#as if giving myself more of a headache was gonna make anything better#god I can't do anything#and why does this man need to watch tv with the volume at max#I fucking hate it here#and now I don't want to eat the thing I was planning on making but there's nothing else and I'm hungry but also not#and I know I can't do anything else until I've eaten but I just don't wanna idk I'm too upset to eat#I wish I was normal#personal
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Amber Run - Amen
oh, is there a heaven?/ you’d know now you’ve been
you know this show makes me crazy but one of the most interesting things it does is, simply, giving us Mary
this character who is bereaved from the very start, and we cannot possibly understand her grief. can’t even grasp at the edges of it.
& it’s so powerful because Shannon is a gaping wound ripped through the narrative, but we can’t see it. we can feel the blood dripping onto our backs, in our periphery. but we're stuck with this outline of her, a body ripped open not once, but twice. plundered for its treasure. only Mary goes and searches it for answers.
maybe out of habit, because it's where her answers have always been
and, with no body to keep her contained, Shannon is scattered everywhere.
in Beatrice, flinging herself at armed men in a kind of strained imitation of Shannon, because we learn bad habits too.
people sometimes say that Bea's whole 'trust your team' speech is ironic, coming from her, but i think she trusts her sisters. her issue in s1 is that she knows what she can trust them to do. she knows that Shannon would have wrapped her body around their bodies; that she would have carried any of them through fire.
she hates that and she resents it but, again, we learn bad habits most especially from the ones we love.
Lilith, who must at least be motivated somewhat by the thought of Shannon, perforated, brimming with blue light and telling her, with that sudden set of her jaw. that elusive steeliness to her voice, ‘you’re ready.’
Mary. i always think of her standing in Vincent’s office that night, and how incredibly kind she is to Ava. what we’ve seen her do before that - shoot a man in cold blood on a cliff, hold a knife against the tangle of veins in a wrist, telling a man how quickly it is possible to bleed out.
& then we see her in standing in the sunset at Cat's Cradle & she's something else. she's a container for all the grief we aren't ready to see.
Ava, who spends so much time running but can’t escape.
something about how you can’t run from a ghost when the ghost is inside you.
I can't help blaming you/ for leaving me here, what am I supposed to do?
thinking about how episode 1 takes its title from the Book of Psalms. episode 1, and the first thing we hear Mary say which is
'i need somewhere to put her down'
it always makes me think, oh Mary, you never will
this passage from psalms 23 & what it says about her,
Mary and the places we see her most often: on the docks, on the plateau where Ronda perches, on a bridge with Ava when Beatrice picks her up.
liminal spaces. between land and sea. between the earth and the sky. a bridge (between). what i think that says about where Mary is standing the whole time and where she ends up.
where she ends.
standing between her sisters and the world that wants to eat them.
#drawing little hearts on the grenade before lobbing it back at you#look i have a whole thesis to write about mary as a shield#(don't ask me about her force power in star wars au i'll cry)#but right now... yeah. mary standing at sunset. mary always on the edge of things.#how she's standing knee-deep in the river of death#mary at sunrise. mary at sunset. at the end of things. night into day and day into night#just!!! throwing glitter shuriken at em#pvp with em <3#casper song recs
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according to bestie, boss said i'm great on the line and he'd work on any line with me. still hate it but it's nice to know that someone with his level of experience in kitchens thinks i'm doing that well
#i've decided i'm not going to even hint to the boss that i Do Not Want to be on the line (except perhaps if i feel like exploding)*#*unless he outright asks. i'm not gonna lie#at least for a while. bc this might be just the suck period. maybe i'll feel more confident at some point (even if i still don't like it)#if i still feel like i'm hanging onto the edge of cliff by my fingernails in a month or two then i'll bring it up#but if this is just the suck period... well. i won't know until i try to get through it right#screaming crying etc#ugh#work#personal#abbie needs a twitter#also work experience also work hours also flexibility is good right? < [said through clenched teeth]
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Crying because they're chopping down the trees on the walk to the train station please let the birdies keep their homes it's nesting season they're important
#due to unfair hormonal reasons my mental health has been a bit shite this past week or so#and now they're dumping this on me#wish poison ivy was real she'd stop them#vent#wauk wauk#(putting it in the bird tag because apart from autism hating unexpected change my main concern is the birds)#birds are the only thing stopping me from hating the commute even more. they're the one thing keeping me together#saw it today and it looked naked. where there was a foresty bit it's just one layer of trees along the edge#no longer crying about it but i'll probably start again next time i walk past
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Gonna be mentally ill for a bit sorry
#can't stop crying#this is so embarrassing#people I know irl please pretend you do not see just let me rot#shouldn't have gotten my hopes up for change#things aren't gonna change ever I need to walk away while my heart is still mostly intact#literally can't believe this is happening again this is like the third time in my life#like are you kidding#why am I a magnet to this karmic cycle#trying so so so so hard to break out of it this time but its really not up to me#guess I'll just watch from the sidelines like always choking on my broken heart#ok calm.down edge lord#let's get some goddamn breakfast and take a deep breath#I'm so tired#I hate this#fuck
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i'm starting to wonder if therapy is going to be productive because no matter what happens i'm probably going to experience this every night of my fucking life
#neg#was out with friends and having a lot of fun! cramps but it was okay i was like. good#and then one of my friends and i were talking and i tried to make a comment about how i liked hanging out w him#but he didn't hear me so he kept talking abt what we were discussing before#and like. blood ran cold i physically felt sick and almost started crying#and now i'm like. completely in the depths of devastation again. over him. i can't fucking function.#and i had all these plans to like get dinner tonight too and take care of myself and do work#but now i'm like. stuck thinking about him. and this happens so often.#there's just no fucking point anymore huh.#and we're going to hang out this weekend a lot and into this upcoming week and this next month and the next year and then 2024 and#like i can't do that. sorry. i can't fucking do that.#i'm not even angry at him anymore it's just. he makes it hurt so bad.#and it's physical pain too every night it's fucking excruciating#because the devastation is both numbing and it cuts into me like a blade in my chest blunt edged but constant pressure#i can't do this forever. i can't.#but there's never a breaking point. it never changes. it's constant.#i'll wake up tomorrow okay. like nothing ever happened.#why did he talk to me so much today why couldn't he leave me the fuck alone#it would have been easier if he didn't. how does he. he has to know this is happening right?#so why is he doing this to me?
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12 hour shifts cruel and unusual at the best of times. 2o4we when ur on the verge of illness
#i am physically emotionally mentally fragile rn u can't make me sit at a desk for 12 hours i'll start crying at a taylor swift song#which is less embarrassing than yesterday when i was on the verge of tears listening to the song from the edge of tomorrow credits#i'm just TIRED#isabel.txt
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𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐍 𝐒𝐄𝐗
A/n: Almost kinktober guys ;) Synopsis: How many rounds can JJK men go for? Characters: Gojo Satoru, Toji Fushiguro, Geto Suguru, Choso, Sukuna Ryomen Warnings: Doggy, mating press, multiple orgasms, sub space, overstimulation, dub-con, photo taking, cock warming, nipple sucking, finger sucking, breeding, unprotected sex, virgin!Choso, mentions of masturbation, pussy drunk men
☆ Gojo Satoru: 3-4
The longest three rounds of your life
You think he can stop just cumming in you once? Hell no. The best part about sex is when he can see his cum oozing out of you with each push.
Also loves overstimulating himself until he is a groaning mess.
Unfortunately for you, Gojo Satoru is NOT a one-minute man.
"Awe come on don't go zoning out on me now~"
Gojo's voice is teasing, a low, melodic coo that slides into your ears as you struggle to focus. His grin is wide, almost predatory, his blue eyes twinkling with amusement as he leans in closer. You’re hazy, breathless, your mind clouded with pleasure, barely able to register the words.
"S'cant... feel too...” You mumbled and thrashed against Gojo's hold, forcing him to pin your wrists together above your head while he pistoned into you with brute force. Sure it's only the second round for him but for you, he's brought you over the edge more than your poor poor body can handle.
Your body feels completely spent, trembling with overstimulation as your legs, sore from the constant tightening and untightening, hang limp in Gojo's grip. He’s folded you in half, his hands pressing your legs against your chest, locking you in place with ease. The room feels heavy, a warm haze clouding your thoughts as you realize you’ve been drooling, too lost in the overwhelming pleasure to even care.
“Feel fucking amazing Jesus Christ.” Gojo manages to groan out between pants followed by a string of curses. Every time he leaves the clutch of your cunny, his cock is coated in a thick shiny sheen of creaminess, and when he snaps his hips back in, it settles right at the base of him, painting your puffy pussy lips as well. Gojo effortlessly lifts one of your legs over his shoulder, sinking even deeper into you with each forceful thrust. The new angle, paired with the relentless pace of his hips snapping against yours, sends you spiraling dangerously close to the edge. Your grip on the sheets falters, hands slipping as tears streak down your flushed cheeks. Your mouth hangs open, drool pooling beneath you, completely mind-fucked and overwhelmed by the pleasure that consumes every inch of your body.
Your limbs have no strength left to resist—no, you don’t want to. Every nerve in your body is thrumming, begging for more as you let him take control. His every movement draws out a fresh wave of sensation, each thrust sending you spiraling closer to that next high. You can’t stop it—there’s no chance to. Your body is his to use, to pull pleasure from again and again, and all you can do is surrender to the bliss as it builds, crashing over you uncontrollably.
"Come for me baby," Gojo coos. "I'll cum in you and if it spills we can start all over again."
~
☆ Toji Fushiguro: 6
First three you are riding him and doing all the work.
Then when your legs give out thats even he fucks you silly
He is so big :( Sometimes he has to let you cock warm him for a bit so you can catch your breath
This is it you where going to die.
You were going to be fucked to death.
"Shhh, stop crying would you? Yer' taking it like a champ I promise."
Two big hands come up to your face to wipe the hot tears streaming down your face. Your body is trembling uncontrollably, every muscle quivering as waves of pleasure leave you numb and overwhelmed. It’s like your senses have short-circuited, leaving you shaking, barely able to register anything beyond the intense, lingering sensation pulsing through you.
Even though Toji is unmoving inside you, your pussy cannot stop spasming from the pleasure of his fat tip pressed up against your g-spot. Even if he wanted to pull out right now, Toji doubts that your cunt would give up the vice grip on his cock. Coincidentally that meant that he was keeping you plugged with 3 loads of warm sticky cum in your tight walls.
"Fuck still so tight baby, you want me to fuck you more don't you?" Toji's voice is a low, teasing coo as his focus shifts to your breasts, his tongue flicking over each hardened nipple, tracing slow, lazy circles that send shivers down your spine. One hand squeezes your breast, kneading the soft flesh, while the other glides over your sides and stomach, his touch warm and deliberate, drawing out every sensation. With all the strength you can muster, you wrap your legs around his waist pulling him closer to you so that you can feel his cock push impossibly farther into you, and he moans into your breast, biting your nipple softly.
Then, without releasing your nipple from his mouth, he begins the slow roll of his hips into your sloppy cunt. Toji's hips move in a slow, deliberate rhythm, each roll pressing him deeper into you with a tantalizing, unhurried pace. His movements are controlled, almost teasing, as he grinds against you, making you feel every inch, every pulse of his dick as he draws out your pleasure with each smooth thrust.
"Just take it m'kay? You can handle it."
~
☆ Geto Suguru: 4
Geto is a real fiend
The breaks between sex consist of him drinking water and kissing the water into your mouth. After that it's right back to fucking.
Loves taking photos of his cum oozing out of you. Looks at it when he is bored.
“So pretty….”
Drool dripped from your chin onto the pillow below, mixing with the tears streaming from your eyes, which were rolled back in bliss. Your breath hitched the moment Geto's hand tightened in your hair, pulling your head back just enough to catch his gaze out of the corner of your eye. As your eyes lock, a dark, knowing smirk curves on his lips, sending a shiver down your spine. You were finally getting used to the dizzying, mind-numbing pressure of his tip crashing into your cervix—but the bad news? Your legs were completely numb, trembling and useless beneath you.
“Did you hear what I said doll?”
Whatever was left of your mind tried to reign back its focus on the man pistoning into you from behind, but as it turned out, there wasn’t much. The friction of his cock dragging against you was unbearable, even with the syrupy cum soaking the walls of your quivering pussy. All you could do was dizzily nod, earning a chuckle from Geto while he eyes the way your hips instinctively raise so his cock can sink even deeper into you from behind. If you could only know the heaven your cunt you're putting his mind in, he is sure you'd be the one smirking. Geto even has to bite harshly on his lip to stop himself from whimpering every time your sticky pussy spasms from pleasure.
The euphoria came in waves of electric current that pulsed through your sloppy pussy and the only thing keeping you grounded his loads of warm sticky cum dripping down your thigh.
“Come on speak to me baby, I've only come two times, we've barely even started.”
The wet sounds of Geto's dick slipping in and out of you filled the room and your senses. His cock filled you so much better than your hands ever could, hitting that gummy spot inside your walls over and over again perfectly, and you wondered how you were ever satisfied with the way you masturbated before you met him.
“I’m a lucky man arent I? To have such an obedient baby with such a pretty pussy.” His hand comes to your face to caress your cheek, and you nestle into his touch while his thumb wipes away your tears. Your too busy immersing in the warmth of his palm to notice the flash of light and the sound of a shutter above you. Even when you turn your head back in curiosity, all you see is Geto staring at the screen of his phone with a lazy grin spread on his face.
~
☆ Choso: 2
Give this man a break! He's a half century old curse who has never fucked before!
You should be glad that he didn't cum by just slipping his tip in, because oh god lord he is seeing colors.
Choso swore he wasn't a whimpering man. Nothing that good could ever make him stumble over his words like a schoolboy. But Jesus Christ, he was not expecting you.
“F-fuck, you’re tight,” Choso groans hoarsely. You felt good? Try god-like, Choso's mind was in euphoria right now. His hand or a fleshlight could never compare to the way your gummy walls sucked him in and hugged his cock.
"M'feel good Cho~" You whine, head thrown back against the plush pillow. The stretch was delicious. It had you squirming and writhing and you couldn't help but tighten as your body tried to push out the large foreign intrusion. You gasped when you felt his tip smush against your cervix, little bolts of electricity being sent through your stomach as he pressed against you.
Choso was slow at first, wanting to still admire the way your cunt swallows him up, the fat of his head has a hard time popping out with how greedy your cunny is being. He whines at how hot you are on the inside, but he’s quick to change to a faster pace.
Choso’s voice comes out in a deep, breathless groan, his grip tightening as he leans closer, his words heavy with need. "W-wanna do this all the time. Every day, baby," he rasps, his eyes half-lidded in pleasure, completely lost in the sensation. Each thrust seems to pull the words from his lips as if he can’t hold back, his body trembling with how good it feels. The thought of having you like this, over and over, only spurs him on, his pace quickening as he grinds against you, desperate to make this moment last forever.
Unable to handle the sensation, your hands grab his shoulder and grip them for dear life. Choso doesn’t let up his pace, in fact he increases it, pounding your poor little cunt with no remorse. His mind is foggy, everything just feels and looks so so good, he’s not even thinking when he shoves his fingers in your mouth, digits pressing down on your tongue and swirling around in the spit.
“Your gonna let me use you when ever I want right? Gotta lot of time to make up for, you gonna be a good girl and always make me feel good right?”
~
☆ Sukuna Ryomen: Lord have mercy
It depends.
Its either the longest no-break sex marathon of your life or 6 even seven rounds with small breaks in between.
Unfortunately, Sukuna is a sadist, it's a headcanon that he might prioritize his pleasure over yours. Combine that with his godly stamina and you have an insane combo.
Kneeling helplessly, both your wrists pinned behind you by just one of Sukuna’s powerful arms, you can only brace yourself as he thrusts into you from behind, each powerful movement sending shockwaves through your body as he effortlessly controls your every breath, your every tremble.
"C-cant do this!" you cry, your voice breaking as Sukuna's grip tightens around your wrists, holding you firmly in place. Your legs are sore from this kneeling position and the angle that his cock hits you is so euphoric it's almost painful from the sheer collision. Sukuna chuckles darkly, his pace relentless as he leans in closer, his hot breath ghosting over your neck.
"Oh, but you will," he growls, each word dripping with wicked amusement, his hips driving into you harder. "You don’t have a choice."
You can only wail in response, the sound escaping your lips uncontrollably as the overwhelming pleasure consumes you. Every thrust sends a wave of heat surging through your body, your mind going blank as Sukuna fills you completely, each movement pushing you closer to the edge. The pressure builds with each deep, forceful stroke, your body trembling beneath him, and all you can do is surrender to the intense, all-encompassing bliss that threatens to pull you under.
"Such a good girl, you're a natural submissive, aren't you? Or maybe you just loved being fucked like the slut you are."
How much time has passed? You can’t even tell anymore—everything blurs together in a haze of pleasure and heat. The rhythm of Sukuna’s relentless pistoning becomes the only thing grounding you, your mind foggy and lost as your body responds to him instinctively. Each second feels stretched out, an eternity of raw sensation as you teeter on the brink, utterly consumed by the moment.
"Gonna fuck you like this till I’ve had my fill, got that?" Sukuna’s voice is a low, dangerous growl in your ear, the words sending a shiver down your spine as he presses deeper.
#jjk smut#jjk x reader#gojo smut#geto smut#toji smut#choso smut#sukuna smut#gojo x reader#toji x reader#geto x reader#choso x reader#sukuna x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader smut#jjk x y/n#jjk x you#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk headcanons
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Okay, it's not enough that I can't edit my own fucking files on onedrive, it can't find the email I'm already logged in with when it suggests to log in to an account that has permission to edit my files in my own fucking account, now I can't find a file that I know I created. Why the fuck am I paying for this shit, I'm so fucking done with this.
#and when I open the 365 app to see if that would make things work it opens on the fucking copilot page that cant be disabled??#personal#i'm kind of on the edge of crying but I might be just really tired today#i'll see if I can contact support and be coherent enough to get my own files so that if all else fails i can fucking close my account there
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There's also the impulse to be like "women ain't shit" but that's a lie I love our women. Not women as a whole's fault that one of them turned out a selfish bastard of a coward.
I just need to find a woman who doesn't treat me like That. Get me a good butch. I need me a good butch.
#speculation nation#id love a good butch who can pick me up and help move my furniture#and who is so sweet and treats me like im someone valuable (& not immediately replaceable ...)#the bar is actually so low. god why do i keep ending up dating assholes?#ex before this ex wasnt an asshole. i was the asshole in that situation.#but that's where the whole. wanting to find someone right for me comes in.#god 'ex' really is such a vague term for me. i got bad ex goth ex uhh other good ex but still sucked#nothingburger exes 1 2 3 4#and the gay awakening ex who i really shouldve given more attention to but unfortunately i was a stupid 16 year old#and broke up with her for my bad ex. alas.#and then theres milquetoast ex and uhmmm. well i actually dont know what im going to label my most recent one.#i dont think it's fully sunk in yet what happened. bc it really was so sudden.#i last saw her on thursday and everything was normal and nice. just like pretty much the whole of the 6 months with her.#and then she started hanging out with the coworker i guess. and the rest is history.#i think she lied about being busy spending time with friends to excuse why she was so distracted on the weekend.#she was probably busy spending time with that girl. who she apparently feels like shes suffocating if shes not in the same room as her#it does suck in a lot of ways. but also with her friends. i was trying rly hard to spend time with them and be liked by them.#one of them's moving into my building this next year. across from my unit. so i wonder how thats gonna go.#my ex mentioned how she'd be spending twice as much time here then just last saturday.#and now. well. like fuck she's coming in here anymore. but i wonder if i'll see her going to visit her friend.#id been kind of excited for it. looking forward to spending time with a neighbor too. but probably not anymore.#i do wonder what her friends will think. i hope she tells them the truth and they chew her out for being such an asshole.#literally breaking up with me over text. who fucking does that??? she didnt have the guts to hear me cry???#i'll make sure she sees the full force of my displeasure when she drops my gifts off tomorrow.#she used to like how rough around the edges i am. well she's gonna see just how rough around the edges i Really am.#i kind of. dont really want to see her. but i also do. i want her to look me in the face and talk to me#to see who it is she's dropping. to see how it has affected me. even if she didnt see my heartbreak as it happened.#i laid into her Hard so she knew just how badly she hurt me. so that she would feel even a fraction of my hurt.#so she would feel Guilty. she apologized over and over. said she knew she'd regret it. but she just Had to do it.#'this will be my life's regret' then why'd you do it? fucking impulsive dumbass. what bullshit.
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