#the disconnectness has gotten a bit worse in some ways

[nonhuman-swag]

HELLO. ima, this is gonna b a post about like. how i experience gender, or ig lack there of (LOL) and other shtuff. other items and things about ME. yahoo! yippee!!!!! if this is unreadable sorry its mostly for me. teehee

anyways. to start off rq hellooo i am ezekiel (aka zeke :] ) and im agender n a lesbian (?) (this is questionable for now, as im feelin less and less at home with this label in a way.)

to be Real, personally, and for myself, i hate the idea of gender. not a fan! ik its important to other folks n i get it but for me i just. i dont know. nothing feels correct or what can be used to describe. nonbinary, female, male, etc just dont. work. i dont see myself in that. i see myself as a mass of flesh n bone n blood who lives and creates n thats about it. sometimes even that view is hard to realize and be at home with.

also my ideal body is the ken doll. nothing 👍 that dude has Nothing n i WISH that was me

im not sure if this is because of growing up the way i did, bein neurodivergent, the internet or whatever else but thats how things went so now im here with a weird outlook on myself or what have you. simply, i just done feel real a lot. like i Know im real, factually, i know that i live, that other people percieve me and interact with me n like, i have emotions i have memories i have things its just. sometimes it just feels empty. like watchin a video game of whats supposed to be your life. things r just kind of set out for you and ur doin tasks or whatever. its funny when i like, realize "holy moly this is real! im real!" n like. im just sittin there driving or whatever. i HEART driving btw. good stuff. there was a hot second in time where i didnt like lookin in the mirror cause i felt like the person staring back was Not Me. uncomfortable fr fr! shout out to that dream i had where me and myself (2 of me) where in like, the bathtub and we fought. like i fought myself and like. tried to drown myself but like in beautiful dream magic it didnt hurt it didnt feel like anything it was just Happening. i think about this dream a lot.

i think there is One Cool Plus about bein weird n kind of disconnected from urself n that is: i LOVE playing dress up. i love wearing cool n epic clothes. like yes ough. body... i wish it was something else but also, these clothes i have look good on it. its a good body, it has some problems that surgeries can help later down the line but not perfect but yea. i like feeling pretty or handsome or whatever in clothes. i think fashion is epic. i think the same about makeup. i enjoy just treatin myself like a paperdoll and just looking Cool. same goes for tattoos. ive gotten 4 of them n i love them, and i have plans for more. its just. i think despite it all, customizing ur character model is like. the coolest shit ever. it helps i think too, in a way of like "dude... i Am cool" or whatever. idk. explosion.jpg on my MIND

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I asked my mom not to invite my sister on vacation with us?

(submitted 5/26/24)

I (22X) have a lot of anxiety about politics (namely the upcoming presidential election and its potential consequences regarding my access to healthcare, among many other things). It started in 2016 and then just kept getting worse and worse as the years went on. I know that if I try to go about my day as normal on election night, I’ll most likely end up obsessively refreshing polling results and worrying myself into a panic attack (or several). So, I did a lot of research and planned a week-long vacation on and a bit after election day. It’s at a nice cabin a short drive away that’s all about disconnecting from phones and technology and reconnecting with nature. I figured because everyone in my family votes absentee already, me and my mom (56F) could go up together while my dad and my oldest sister (63M and 25F) would stay home because of work obligations and take care of our pets. My mom was really enthusiastic about the idea (especially because I went on a vacation with my dad last year, and it’s been a long time since her and I have had a parent child bonding trip), and she helped me finalize the dates and pay for the cabin. I’m in college and haven’t been able to find a summer job, but I’m still trying to save money to help cover the cost of food/entertainment/gas for the trip.

When we were booking, she talked about potentially inviting my sister (24F) on vacation too, as a family bonding thing. She moved out a year and a bit ago and is living with a friend, so my mom doesn’t get to see her all that often. But I really don’t want my sister to come along. Me and her haven’t gotten along since elementary school, and now whenever she visits I’m on edge the whole time. Plus, she has a very old special needs dog that she would have to bring with her that needs constant supervision, and his energy wildly varies between “sleeps in a ball all day” and “blindly runs around screaming and peeing everywhere and getting stuck like a roomba all day”. Which again, that’s very stressful to me. In addition, whenever my sister is over at our house, she always finds a way to bring up politics and wants to talk about current events (never the good ones, only the bad ones). Thankfully we agree on the important things (even if she leans a tad more towards the center than I do), but still. The whole point of this trip is to avoid having to worry about politics, and she always finds a way to bring it up. Plus, I just genuinely think she’d go stir crazy being cooped up in a cabin with me and my mom and poor cell service. There’s not a lot to do in the surrounding area besides hiking (she’s got a heart condition), a small Main Street with some shops that’s a 15 minute drive away, and a diner. It’ll probably just be reading, board games, and cards for a week straight.

Why I think I’d be TA: my mom and her don’t spend a lot of time together, and my mom is the one paying for the vacation. Even though I think she wouldn’t like glamping with us, my sister could still want to be invited and want to come along.

Why I think I wouldn’t be TA: I don’t think my sister would like being in a cabin with me and my mom for a week straight with no TV and poor cell service. My oldest sister is also not going on vacation with us due to work obligations, so they could have some sisterly bonding time while we’re away. Plus, the entire point of the vacation is to have a few days where I don’t have to dread election results, and I know my sister is going to want to talk about election results as soon as they start coming in.

So, would I be the asshole if I asked my mom not to invite my sister on vacation with us?

[inkblackorchid]

What are your thoughts on the 5DS movie bonds beyond time? Plot characters villain animation and so on

Ahhh, good old BBT. Minor caveat: It's been a hot second since I've seen the movie. But generally speaking, right from the gut? Bit of a mixed bag, this one. Let me address what you asked point by point, though. The tl;dr for anyone who doesn't want a lengthy response: I don't hate it, but outside of making me grin and/or fondly roll my eyes about some fanservice, I'm mostly just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about it. I appreciate it for the extremely fun attempt at a for the time pretty ambitious crossover, though.

The longer response, then:

Okay. Okay. Conceptually speaking? This movie is the absolute peak of fanservice. All three protags of all three ygo shows that had come out by that time, all teaming up against a special bad guy, and everyone's allowed to show off their coolest shit? Absolutely bananas. Fuck yeah.

Where the execution is concerned, though... Let me start with the obvious: This thing is too short. It doesn't feel like a proper movie, it feels like your average big plot duel stretched over two episodes. And that's a shame! Because Yugi's there, and so is Jaden, and these two and Yusei get to bounce off each other and I think a lot of people would have eaten it up if we had gotten more of that. Interactions aside, though, the short runtime also makes the plot feel rushed. First Yusei's sad, then things are going to shit, the he's off, then we're suddenly in Venice (what the fuck is Jaden doing in Venice??), then we're in Domino City, then blam, bam, onto the big duel. Can I get some time to breathe and actually enjoy the characters interacting, please?

And speaking of plot! Now, on paper, I don't have an issue with the idea of a guy going back in time to try and get rid of duel monsters. My problem lies more with the fact that the guy in question ties into 5Ds' main plot. And in a not insignificant way, at that. Like, perhaps in a universe where this movie was handled differently, BBT tying into the Iliaster stuff could have been cool as heck, but as it stands, Paradox and his plans feel a little too close to his namesake to me. The guy is almost exclusively relegated to a movie, to outside content of the show that wasn't shown in sequence with the rest of the episodes, yet he's actually one of the major characters of the Ark Cradle arc. And worse yet, said arc only gives us the barest, shittiest recap of who he is and what he wanted. It feels too disconnected from the rest for me, especially considering that Sherry more or less ends up replacing Paradox. And don't even get me started on the batshit implications his quest to kill Pegasus has on the way time travel is handled in 5Ds. The way this movie shows direct, devastating consequences of time being tampered with is a major reason for the headaches the emperors of Iliaster give me, which I've discussed in my Meklord post.

That said. I don't think Paradox, per se, is a bad antagonist. He's got the whole long-suffering shindig the other major players of Iliaster do, too, his design is bonkers in a fun way and of course, the idea of him hijacking protagonist ace monsters with his Malefic shenanigans makes him perfectly hateable. On paper, he's a completely fine antagonist, and I actually think the 3 V 1 duel he has with the protags is pretty fun.

And as for the animation, no notes there, honestly. I think BBT has some of the nicest animation of the 5Ds era (and especially like the way Yusei is animated in the movie).

So yeah! The whole thing is a bit hot and cold for me. I know some people love BBT to death, I know some people hate it with a fiery passion, and tbh, I get where both sides are coming from. Ultimately, I'll happily watch it, but there are always at least twenty other 5Ds episodes I'd watch even more happily. BBT is fine.

[violetjedisylveon]

It is Disability Pride Month!

I would suggest using the opportunity to learn more about all the different disabilities and how they impact the lives of people with them, and how that struggle is made worse by ablism in our society.

Take the chance to learn from actual disabled people, talk to us and hear our stories, listen to us when we tell you how to help us and make our society more functional and accessible.

Learn about disabled history, about the crimes and injustices done to disabled people. Look up disabilty holocaust and you will get a bunch of articles on what the nazis did to disabled people. It's depressing, but important to learn.

Disability isn't a bad word, it's an accurate description unlike calling someone differently abled. They aren't the same. Disability = not abled, like not able to walk because you are a leg amputee, not being able to do things like everyone else because you have no executive function capabilities. Differently abled = something like left handed, you are still fully abled, you just do it differently but you do it without any aid or tools.

My friend @poeticallydisgraced gave that example when our school put up a sign about recognizing differently abled students. And I think that fits the situation very well.

If you're curious, I've given a bit of a description of my experience under the cut.

Happy disability pride month!

I am nuerodivergent, Audhd, I have autism and Adhd. I also have chronic health issues with severe allergies and I get some bad migraines. I have hearing issues too but wouldn't call myself hard of hearing, it's more of a disconnect between what's said and what I hear. Makes for some entertaining conversations.

I tend to get over stimulated in social settings, too much noise and too many people really mess with me, light and sound trigger my migraines which can last for days, which is never fun.

I have no social awareness, and can't tell the difference between teasing and bullying, the line is super blurred/non existent for me.

This causes a lot of problems, because when people make those jokes and tease me, I don't get it, and to me it's rude and mean, but it also goes the other way cause when I joke I cross a line I can't see, and then everyone gets mad at me even though I'm doing the same thing as them.

I technically have a minor hearing loss in my left ear from a surgery as a child, but I had started having those hearing issues during the phase of development where you learn to speak, so my understanding of language is a bit skewed and I frequently hear things wrong, or don't hear the words said and have to ask for people to repeat it.

My family is starting to get annoyed and won't repeat anything but it's not like I'm choosing to do it, and it is very frustrating when they refuse to repeat it.

All these things leave me feeling a little isolated from my family and people around me.

I am expected to change and be someone else that is more acceptable to nuerotypical society, I jump through hoops and put on an act to appear less different, I've always been singled out as weird and other, and while no one has bullied me, at least that I was aware of, I got left behind by my peers.

The constant masking and acting like something I am not is exhausting, after a week of school I am fully drained of my energy and ability to put on that act.

My mom has gotten upset that I don't act the way I do at school at home, but I shouldn't have to act like a different person with my family.

I am not ashamed to be nuerodiverse and disabled, no one should be shamed or looked down on for something they can't control. A lot still needs to be done to make our society accessible to everyone, the current disability protection and aid laws are insufficient and full of loopholes that allow for disabled people to be ignored.

Have fun learning!

Happy disability pride month!

[mdhwrites]

Have you seen the new HSR short, Rondo Across Countless Kapas? Got any thoughts? 👀

From an animation and sapphic perspective? HOLY FUCK! Absolutely gorgeous and I think what it's doing with Acheron is really interesting, even if it's essentially purely through visual storytelling. You could have the sound off and get everything interesting about the short.

Turn the sound on and you get the part I have a problem with: I'm kind of done with the Memokeeper. Not Black Swan, just the memokeeper element of her. I'll get into it soon but for those who haven't seen it, enjoy one of the best dances I've ever seen.

So what is my issue with the dialogue? Well, it's that Penacony has this problem of people getting into kind of grand speeches on a subject, even potentially mundane ones. Aventurine is always going on about power dynamics and hinting at his plan (this leads to the fucking god awful self quoting of like two paragraphs from himself at the end of 2.0), Sparkle is constantly using these big speeches to belittle people or mock them and Black Swan...

Black Swan is talking about memories. I'm not even against these monologues or the like but Black Swan has been in a LOT of marketing materials at this point and they ALL use her memokeeper element and very little of her fortunetelling element, usually only using the latter to emphasize the former in some way. It's just gotten very repetitive to me. Worse yet is that owning Black Swan AMPLIFIED this problem because it's more kind of mysterious, kind of not talk of dreams and the universe and memories and past that a lot of the rest of the big dialogue from her is. I want her to stop being so dramatic and be more personable, at least for a little while.

This isn't even me calling Black Swan a bad character. There is genuinely more to her with how playful she can be or how she is the best manipulator on Penacony so far because she can figuratively be two faced, something Sparkle needs literal shapeshifting powers for and Aventurine can't do to save his life, which the same goes for Himeko. She also sells the best though that she's genuinely a good person who just is willing to get her hands dirty but it is up to interpretation (honestly kind of frustratingly so. I don't like that I can't actually say a ton about each Penacony character so far due to their attempts at duplicity meaning fuck you on concrete characterization besides your flavor of manipulator. No, backstory does not count as characterization either.)

Edit: This could definitely also just be a me thing at this point. I rewatched it and not a lot of it is spent on talking about the past or memories. Black Swan is still playing up the mysteries of Penacony, something that I'm also getting a bit tired of, but she doesn't actually have many lines on memories themselves. It's just somehow kind of stuck in my brain for some reason this element of her being over represented and so it's what my brain ended up focusing on.

Let's end this on a positive though. Star Rail is normally not good at mysteries but the fact that Acheron genuinely seems disconnected from her Emanator state, when she draws the blade, is deeply interesting to me. It even fits within my theory, that we'll find out the truth on soon, that Acheron is an Emanator of Nihility. Speaking of, hi VERY explicitly to Ix within the violence montage. There is no way of getting around the fact that one of those sketches was of them front and center.

And from a dramatic standpoint, I love the presentation. The fact that bringing them up while clearly trying to get extra information out of Acheron, to have her mind have to go there so Black Swan could more easily grab the memories she might lie about, only for her to get fucked up like she does is INCREDIBLE. The fact that Acheron is so sincere in her confusion afterwards only adds to the horror of it all.

I... Am mixed on her knowing who they were. I frankly would love it if because the statement is the Annihilation Gang, not the Everflame Manor, that when she goes "Oh, right, those guys..." She's actually talking about the dumbasses from this destruction cult, since Duke Inferno isn't the only part of it, that got Aha's help to try to kill Ix. It'd be a way for them to have their cake and eat it too that I think fits better than the girl with eternal memory issues to suddenly actually remember killing them all.

Overall, I do like the animated short. If I were to just think of it in a vacuum, I even like Black Swan's dramatic narration. It's a good flourish to the action, explains what's going on well enough and her calm narration provides great contrast from when EVERYTHING gets fucked. My hangups are entirely a weird thing that's just kind of getting to me about Penacony and I'm not entirely sure if I expect it to get better or worse come 2.1.

I just know that thanks to my tax return (I did not spend all of it on Star Rail, don't worry) and knowing the top up refresh was happening, I did spend a good amount and am guaranteed to get Acheron, even if it takes 160 pulls like it took for Black Swan..., and I am looking forward to playing with her.

Just with tempered expectations.

======+++++======

And final note for those maybe hoping for it: I haven't been inspired by this short to write AcheSwan. I frankly wish I knew why I didn't get inspired by Star Rail more for my writing.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[kidsnextdoor-doodles]

Prob know the answer to this but: opinions on either fanny or rachel? Just as characters in General, what couldve been done better abt them, or what shouldve been explored more?

Goes insane

I was waiting to be asked this. I’ve been incredibly attached to Fanny and Rachel since day one cause they were the first KND characters I saw other than Sector V and what got me interested in the show (mostly because I was thinking “the hell is that blonde kid wearing??”)

Fanny is my all-time favourite KND character and one of my top five favourite characters from any media ever. So I kinda like her. Idk how to describe why I like her so much but I think she’s generally written well. I wish that they’d at least attempted to give her an actual Irish accent cause hearing her voice for the first time physically pained me as an Irish person. Also, why did they name her that it’s SO awkward talking about her to people I know irl and it’s worse because she is Irish herself, the gag is so much cruder over here than in the us. Also, they needed to stop trying to give her male crushes it isn’t fooling anyone, numbuh 19th century barely exists in my head. There are a few things I would’ve liked to see explored, like her relationship with her family since I feel like we only got tidbits of it, and I wanted to see her and Kuki actually being friends after op Slumber. And I wanted to see her and Abby interacting more but that’s purely because I like both of them a lot. Also backstory on why she went from being a nurse to a Decom soldier!! What happened she looks so innocent in the op Maurice flashback. When I first watched I expected at least something being implied but we basically got nothing. I just wish we got to see more of the Decom squad and how they work. I have a lot of thoughts about Fanny that I cannot put into words right now or ever and I also do not want this to be too long but just know there’s more! That I could say!

Rachel is my 2nd favourite KND character (who would’ve guessed) and, as I said before, her garish outfit is what compelled me to get into KND. Op IT is one of my favourite episodes because I like how it portrays Rachel. It’s what set KND apart from other shows cause I don’t think a lot of kids' shows at the time would’ve acknowledged how, realistically, stressful the job of being supreme leader would be, especially for a kid. I wish we could’ve seen more of her, especially from before she became supreme leader. I know it’s a small moment in hindsight but the end scene of op fugitive gives me the idea that she acted really differently before she became supreme leader. Maybe it’s just me but compare how she scolded Fanny to how she scolded Nigel in op Zero, the one in op Fugitive just seems more personal and rude. And the fact she wanted to be the supreme leader when Chad left even though it’s established that no knd operative wants to be makes me think she was a bit arrogant before she became supreme leader. I also wish we could’ve seen her interacting with other moonbase operatives like 65.3 and 35. Also her and Chad!! They definitely were close in some way why didn’t we get to see it?!

Unsurprisingly I wish we could’ve gotten more of Fanny and Rachel’s relationship. Obviously, Fanny has a lot of respect and admiration for Rachel, which isn’t connected to Rachel’s status as supreme leader since she felt the same way before Rachel became supreme leader. Honestly, the most compelling part of their relationship to me is that there’s a bit of a disconnect between how they each view it. Fanny admires Rachel but she doesn’t consider Rachel a friend since she claims she doesn’t have any in op Slumber. But Rachel openly calls Fanny by her name which the show itself establishes is for really close friends so it’s clear that Rachel considers Fanny a friend. I’d have to guess that Fanny’s self-doubt and how much she respects Rachel makes it so that Fanny can’t imagine that Rachel would be her friend. These girls need to communicate. Also, they’ve known each other for a long time since they’re both in the op Maurice flashback. And the fact they could’ve been in the same sector cause both their brothers are in sector w. God! There’s just so much potential and I wish the show explored just a little bit of it! At least I wanted there to be a moment where it’s said out loud they’re friends cause I’m sick of people trying to claim Rachel dislikes Fanny it isn’t true (is incredibly biased)

[alparlaboratories]

Gonna ramble about Inyssa for a little bit.

Is it conceited to make a post about your own character's themes and stuff? Maybe. Whatever.

@inpurpleandred has been rereading and commenting on CoT and some of the stuff they said gave me ThoughtsTM about Niss, so here they are under the cut. It's long, and y'know... warning for all the stuff Niss goes through.

So you know that tumblr post that goes something like 'I'm probably X (trans, queer, bi, etc.) but I got much more pressing shit going on to deal with that at the moment'? That's how I viewed Niss'... everything while writing CoT. Partly because yeah, Niss really has so much shit going on that more urgently requires her attention during much of her story, 90% of it being Shadi's fault of course.

And she does deal with a good amount of it during the fic itself, mostly regarding her own self-worth, her feelings about her family and her own warped view of strength and heroism. And it's only near the end and the epilogue that she can even begin to consider anything else about her life.

And I think in that time, in those years between CoT and my future story, Niss does think about it, and tries things out, experiments and tries to find a place for herself in herself. And she realizes that she both has severe self-image issues and also some gender stuff going on maybe, but they're not actually related.

During much of the fic, Niss sees her body as separate from herself, as early on as the first chapter. It's a form of detachment that allows her to be angry at herself in self-harming ways that -in her head at least- don't clash with her vow to never hurt herself again like she did in the past.

And she is very, very angry at her body. It's a bitterness that keeps boiling under the surface of her skin whenever she's unable to do something she feels like she should. She sees her body as just a thing covering the real Inyssa, and feels like a chick who never got to break out of its shell. And though she tries not to admit it, one of her biggest fantasies is to literally rip herself apart like a molting snake and for the 'real' Inyssa to come out of the dregs, pristine and perfect.

And in a way, it's true, but it's not her fault. It's both Shadi and Johanna's (And Sarah's too, but for different reasons). Who is the most to blame is debatable, but regardless, it's because of them that Inyssa feels this way.

Because yeah, as one of my readers once said, the Dawn family is full of women who are made of stick and stones, but Inyssa takes that to an extreme. There's a chapter where Barry mentions that Niss was once noticeably taller than him, and she was! And she would've continued that trend, eventually growing as tall as Shadi if not taller, if she'd had a normal childhood.

But she didn't. Johanna neglected both of her daughters, and partly because of that -and her own bad tendencies- Shadi ended up doing much worse, especially psychologically, to Inyssa. And then she left. So Inyssa was left severely depressed and gaunt for arguably the most important years in terms of physical growth and development. Johanna says so herself; she practically starved herself, eating only as much to keep herself alive and not doing anything else. And she kept getting worse, and worse, until eventually she attempted suicide. Which, of course, only made the situation worse.

And by the time she was forced to start taking care of herself, it was too late. Her body was frail, and the malnutrition she'd suffered caused invisible scars that stunted her growth for the following years, making Inyssa feel like there was a disconnect between how strong her willpower was compared to her actual body. And so she went on hating said body, cursing it for all her problems because she didn't know who was really to blame.

It's also an endless spiral, because she could've gotten better if she'd taken better care of her body, but why would she, from her own perspective? So she treated her body worse, and it inevitably got worse, so she got even angrier, etc. It's only when she goes on her trainer journey alongside Barry, someone who cares to help her, that she starts getting better. And of course, following the end of the fic and the Epilogue, she's actively trying to eat and sleep more, to treat her body more kindly, like it always tried to do with her.

And it's only then that she has enough time and peace of mind to think about herself, her gender and all that. Now, Niss has always been bi. One of the few good things about Johanna as a mom is that she was unapologetically bi herself, and supported her daughters in learning their own sexual identities, Niss coming out as bi eventually, and Shadi as a lesbian.

After that, I think Niss would happily try new things, whenever she got the time. And though she would keep doing so even years and years after the fact (well into this new Hoenn fic and beyond) from an author perspective I think she'd eventually see herself as a baby butch, a pretty boygirl who loves wearing suits and ties and looking like she's straight out of a visual novel full of bishonen men.

And I love that for her, honestly.

[prosperdemeter2]

i love everything you‘ve ever written, thank you so much 😍😍

your rewrite series is a masterpiece and i finding these pov switches is the highlight of my day today, thank you so much 🥰

if i can send you a request I’d love to see one of eddie’s sisters in the final chapter of stuck :) (if not please ignore this final paragraph and take all my love for everything you‘ve written ♥️)

We're going to pretend this didn't take me, like, two weeks to get to 😅

Adriana hated, a little bit, that she wasn’t able to get an earlier flight into Los Angeles so that she could reasonably ditch her parents like Sophia had until the ceremony. She hated it, because their parents, no matter how much she loved them, were busy bodies and Adriana, the resident busy-body of the Diaz siblings, didn’t like being on the receiving end of it. It was a bit too much like looking into the mirror while she sat at the back of Eddie’s firehouse and watched Helena Diaz critique everything from the ceilings to the tablecloths, to the way a firefighter who looked five seconds away from throwing the broom at her was sweeping the floor. 

They’re so cute!!!!! Sophia had texted her about an hour into spending the afternoon at Eddie’s house watching him get ready for work. She hadn’t sent a picture along with her message but, it was fine, Adriana knew Eddie hated pictures and had to mostly be tricked into them. 

The whole family showing up for his little shield celebration was going to be enough to throw him off center. Adriana… wasn’t about to make things worse when their parents had already stepped in shit and failed to clean it up. “Couldn’t even make it to dinner,” Helena clicked her tongue and brought back up the thing that, for some reason, was worrying her the most about the entire situation. She was so worried, Adriana knew, that Eddie had seen their… less than favorable reaction to his (forced) outing as a rejection. He had barely spoken to them since, always busy, always with something more important going on. Adriana had spoken to them, as had Sophia, broken down what it was that they had done wrong but they just kept saying the same thing - it was a shock. What were we supposed to do? Confront him about it in front of Christopher? “I wonder if he’ll walk in, see us here, and walk right out.” 

“He’s going to be on shift.” Adriana answered dryly. “He can’t just walk out.” 

Abuela laughed and pat Adriana’s knee under the table. “He has been busy Helena.” 

“His boyfriend,” Ramon flinched, just enough for Adriana to notice, on the other side of the table, pursing his lips and directing his gaze to the table cloth. Guilty. Perhaps, out of all of them, their father was the one that needed to apologize the most (was the one that felt the most terrible for how things had been handled). But there had always been a disconnect between him and Eddie - Adriana remembered when Eddie had been little and he had followed Ramon around much like Christopher did him. But somewhere after Abuelo had died, Ramon had shut down, took on more hours at work, told Eddie that he had to be the man of the house. He had never had the same issue connecting with Adriana or Sophia, but Eddie… Adriana didn’t know what it was. She didn’t know if they were just too close, or if their father had accidentally pushed Eddie too far away by repeating things that he had been taught when he was little. Either way, this wasn’t something that their father not apologizing for could fix. Eddie had needed Ramon to do the right thing for once. Had needed the vulnerability to be two sided… but Ramon had walked away and he hadn’t tried to step back in yet. “Just got literally blown up. Dinner probably wasn’t his first priority.” 

Not to mention the Shannon and Christoher of it all, but Adriana was pretty sure that their parents didn’t know just how nasty the divorce had gotten. Eddie had had enough aired about his life without his permission, Adriana wasn’t going to make that worse by airing more. 

“Dios,” Sophia’s hissed whisper as she rounded the corner had Adriana flushing, if only because of the way she smacked at her arm as she said it and dropped herself into the open seat beside her. “Do not drop that in casual conversation, Rana. Eddie gets this…” She waved her hand in front of her face. “Look and this is supposed to be a happy day. We don’t need Eddie’s kicked puppy look.” 

Helena perked up, leaned across the table, and kissed Sophia’s cheek in hello. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but the familiar scuff of Christopher’s crutches cut her off at the start. Pepa’s voice followed after him and, at a much more sedate pace was…. Adriana tried not to stare.

She had spoken to Buck exactly three times before - all on facetime and all with Eddie within an arm’s reach. He was nice, funny, handsome. Now, even without the cast taking up his entire leg, it was like someone had cut his strings. His cheeks were pale, his hair was a fluffier than Adriana was sure he liked it, and someone (his sister, her mind filled in with a guess) was hovering just to the side carrying her purse and a look of concentrated concern that Adriana remembered seeing on Helena’s face for the first six months Eddie had been back from war. 

Their father sat up a bit straighter, pushing back his chair and got halfway out of it before Abuela beat him to it, “Evan, mi amor!” It was a bit pointed, even as Helena opened her arms towards Christopher who instantly sunk into them and it did it’s job - their mother flushed. 

“Here,” Ramon cleared his throat and gave up his chair, reaching out in a move that was so fluid and familiar that Adriana had to blink to recognize what she was seeing. “Sit.” 

If only Eddie could see them now, the way Helena fussed, the way Abuela smiled in approval, the way Ramon grabbed onto Eddie’s boyfriend’s arm to help him lower himself, slowly, into his closest, open chair and immediately grabbed another to prop up his cast. 

Maybe things weren’t so lost between them all. 

Maybe…. 

[manonamora-if]

IF players in our community are divided between those who play a self-insert MC and those who don't (are there for the plot, not MC). I get the idea of IF being part of "role-playing" or rpg category, but as the years go by, it feels as if some players take the self-inserting too far. It's like they think of an IF as a life simulator similar to "The Sims" where you can have a fully costumizable and personalized experience. It's even worse for IFs which involve romance, even a little bit, where the author has to cater to the players with 1000 of preferences and costumization options and they'll(some players) still complain.

What do you think are some of the problems with the IF community today in 2024?

😂That's like Miss Universe but make it IF level of questions.

Mmmhhhh... I'm not sure. I think I've become a bit disconnected with parts of the IF community at large, by sticking more on the organising of events or reviewing games and stuff. I've been minding(ish) my business more 😂

The IF scene is so large and diverse, there's truly a bit for everyone now. It's gotten even more diverse compared to its early beginning (and I mean the parser early beginning). There are games that definitely caters to the RPG category, but there are a lot more that doesn't (and people ignore them >.< so many good games...). There are authors who will stick to their guns on their story and others who will be more flexible to player inputs. And there's still a balance between warranted complaints and players asking too much. Loads of grey and stuff...

One of the problems I see with IF, more since people have gone "back to normal", is how the IF player base seem to interact less, with the community at large (servers/forums), during events (voting for competitions, checking out jam releases), with the game itself (comments, ratings, sharing), or with authors directly (asks, reblogs).

I get it, because time and energy are limited. At the same time, the passivity will become problematic in the long run. Which is... a shame, considering some of the ways to interact with a project or an author is fairly small/easy. I wonder if all the IF discord servers that opened in the past couple of years has fragmented the Tumblr IF community in parts? Like users sticks with a few tiny corners of the community instead of the whole... I don't know. might be bollocks.

Another thing I still don't get why it's still a problem that needs to be raised in 2024: the despicable treatment of LGBTQ+ and POC authors, whether it was anon or not. From the abject inbox messages, mass downvoting games, spamming comments and so on... it's a fucking nightmare.

[kyogre-blue]

OK, post timeskip GD, go!

Got up to the bridge, which means unifying the Alliance and presumably starting an offensive against the Empire.

I've gotten all the B ranks on my supports, a bunch of A ranks, and all of Byleth's available ones except Lysithea A (which is blocked off) and someone's S. The A ranks really vary a lot in terms of how involved they are, with some being quite nice, but others being pretty whatever.

Unfortunately, some of the basic issues with the support system start to get pretty obvious. You end up doing them in batches, so they get tiring. Additionally, if you watch a few for the same character in a row, there's often overlap in what they discuss, since the characters only have a few traits. Worse, none of the growth in one support can carry over to another or even a paralogue (or to the main story). The supports just become disconnected what-ifs, in a way.

(And this not mentioning the issue that some major character details always end up hidden in the most out there support, which in 3H will require some bizarre recruitment combination.)

In regard to the main story, I don't have too much to say. It's kind of spinning its wheels while we get the new plot on the road, but it's fine. It's just... fine. Hopefully, it'll pick up once we start the real battles.

Notes again:

1185, nearly 5 years since the monastery fell. But it fell several months into 1181, so like... it's 4 years and change.

Kingdom capital has fallen, Leicester alliance is split between supporting the Church and the Empire.

Sothis is here again somehow.

Tomorrow is the Millennium Festival, how convenient. Byleth came floating down a river from Garreg Mach. It is Ethereal Moon, but... Which one is that again...

Ok, I see why AC said the reunion was underwhelming. It's cute but the buildup is non-existent.

Byleth's first concern is Rhea (relatable) but Claude thinks it might be better that she's gone. He doesn't explain why. I am gonna need some time to get used to everyone's adult voices.

Lorenz is quite chill about his father's uh allegiance.

Lorenz: This was inevitable, since our lands are so close to the empire, we have to side with them or lose our necks. Lorenz also: BUT MAYBE IF CLAUDE DIDN'T SUCK

The amount of times you can ask after Rhea is... hum. Rhea is the most personal priority for Byleth. They're definitely not upset or unsettled by her, which is funny.

Seteth thought that maybe Rhea would turn up on the millennium festival.

Claude wanted to use the monastery as a base of operations due to its location.

Why are we talking to this Seiros Knight NPC? Was an unavailable playable meant to be filling this role?

Leonie A1 with Lorenz: she gives back a handkerchief... after 5 years. Leonie's village is called Sauin. It turns out Lorenz's family were the ones who hired Jeralt to help the village all those years ago. Lorenz is still punchable, btw.

Marianne A with Hilda: Their previous two ranks were more abrasive than I expected. The A is... OK? Given their popularity as a pairing, I expected something a bit more.

Cyril A with Hilda: This doesn't feel like it should have been gated to the timeskip. This A is also kinda underwhelming. It's okay, but knowing their relationship can't advance any further is... yeah.

Not really feeling the new monastery and menu music.

They did at least change the skybox to be yellow, which is something. Makes it feel autumn-y, which is... not correct. It would be nice if somewhere aside from the cathedral interior had some visible damage.

Claude A with Byleth: He admits to not being born in Fodlan (presumably because this has nothing on Byleth being potentially not even human) though doesn't name where he's from specifically. In Almyra, people from Fodlan are viewed as cowards, which Claude attributes to ignorance (if they just met and interacted with real people from Fodlan, like his mother, they'd know better). They also looked down on him for being of mixed blood.

He came to Fodlan to try and find "a new perspective" in his goal of breaking down those barriers, but people in Fodlan are even more racist, seeing people from other nations as just beasts. He wants to bring the whole world together and start anew. I know nothing bad happens, but uh. That's, hm... At least he realizes that it was extremely unrealistic... but Claude recognizes Byleth's magic dragon god powers and thinks they can make it happen together.

At first, I was wondering why we can view Ferdinand supports when he didn't turn up, but he IS here? He wasn't in the battle or the scene after...

Ferdinand has lost his territory and is determined to stop Edelgard no matter the cost. Per his B, he always intended to unseat his father. I guess, like Lorenz, he wasn't really onboard with his evil dad from the start.

Marianne and Lorenz A is....... uh. She's not going to smile while telling you about how her family is cursed, dude.

OK, so for weekly Instruct, we're using the Cardinals' room that was sealed before, and instead of the faculty giving staff training, we run advanced drills with the students.

Byleth's open mouthed shock when told Dimitri was killed (supposedly). And then a droopy sad posture.

"Faerghus Dukedom"

Claude approves if you ask him whether he hopes Rhea is dead. He just has things he wants to ask. It's interesting given that Claude presents himself as being in your corner, and Byleth has a big bend toward asking after her, seemingly in concern.

Claude thinks that most people accept the "noble system" because of their belief in the Seiros faith. They also have prejudices against non-believers too. That's... hm. A take, for sure.

So without Rhea, the supposed closed-minded Church doctrine will weaken and there will be more room for free thought, which Claude considers a cure-all.

Claude's ultimate goal here is to have Byleth take over the church and lead Fodlan that way. Then, people could be free to think for themselves. He thinks Edelgard is after something similar. He just doesn't like that she's using so much bloodshed to get there. Not necessarily because he disapproves but because the world "can't get behind" it.

But since Rhea is probably still around, we still have questions, and Byleth ambiguously might care about her (MY A RANK), Claude backpedals into finding her being the next step and quickly hurries you off to bed.

Claude and Cyril B: Claude never knew that there were people in Almyra in Cyril's situation. Which is to say... poor and exploited? Or...?

If no one else is in Rhea's corner, Cyril is. I appreciate that he doesn't just support her because she helped him personally, but because that's the kind of person she has been - trying to help those without any status and nowhere to go. Rhea helps refugees and orphans not just because of the goddess's teachings, but because it's the right thing to do.

Claude: OK, maybe Rhea is fine. Maybe.

GROWTH??

Too bad supports are basically not canon.

Claude and Lorenz A: Claude is fine giving up leadership of the Alliance to Lorenz now that he's gotten to know him. But same is true for Lorenz. Kinda gay. Not bad.

Claude was only recognized as the heir to Reigan thanks to Judith's recommendation. Which is interesting given his background.

Marianne's paralogue: One of the 10 Elites got cursed by his crest and he turned into a monster... that was still sentient and can talk. And he ate people. Unclear if anyone else with the crest was actually affected, or if they just carried that stigma for a thousand years...

Claude and Marianne A has an interesting implication about the timeline. Claude frames it as him running away from home as soon as he was old enough because he was tired of being discriminated against and hoped that Fodlan would be better. It was only after he arrived in Leicester and realized that it's no different that he came up with his idea to break down the boundaries between Fodlan and Almyra.

It makes more sense that his plan would be so weirdly underbaked if he's had it for less than a year and made it when he was despairing over having no place he could belong.

Flayn and Ignatz B: Flayn forgets the Church party line about the Elites being good guys, lmao. Also forgets that Saint Cethleann is generally portrayed as a woman, not a girl.

Ailell, the Valley of Torment, is the required lava stage. It was created when some kind of big heaven light destroyed the forest that used to be there. It's rumored to have been the wrath of the goddess, but that isn't recorded in scripture. (It's actually the Agarthans lol)

Count Rowe was in charge of Arianhodr (spl??) but betrayed the Kingdom to join the Empire. His general, Gwendal, wasn't happy about all this.

Judith accuses Claude of neglecting the Alliance territories for years. He left his territory with a reliable retainer ("Nardel"). Without Byleth's clout, he'd look like a "scoundrel leader." Judith leaves her territory with "Nardel" too, which is... lol.

One of Judith's men saw Rhea be dragged off by the Empire five years ago.

[newapocalypsehq]

in character information:

CHARACTER NAME: diego hargreeves

CHARACTER FACECLAIM: david castañeda

CHARACTER AGE/DOB: october 1st 1989 / 34 years old

CHARACTER PRONOUNS/GENDER IDENTITY/SEXUALITY ETC: he/him or they/them, agender, greyromantic & greysexual

CHARACTER FANDOM (if relevant): the umbrella academy

OC OR CANON: canon

PLEASE MENTION ANY IMPORTANT INSPIRATIONS (this can be comics/any specific issues etc, movies, shows, novels etc & please include any clear important events and/or arcs in your characters history including dates if you have any in mind): entirely show based, and since we only focus on season 1-2, season 3 does Not exist in my mind aside for some fun characterisation inspiration/dynamics vibes etc

WHERE DO THEY CURRENTLY RESIDE/OR MOSTLY RESIDE:

primarily, diego has now been living at the academy mansion since Everything that went down post 2022 but he has been thinking about his own place like,, PROPERLY,,,

ARE THEY ASSOCIATED WITH ANY TEAMS/GROUPS ETC OR HAVE THEY BEEN IN THE PAST (please mention these):

the umbrella academy of course mostly, but over the years has been associated with different groups, a primary one being jld

CHARACTER BIOGRAPHY:

when diego looks back on his life, a lot of it feels more like a facts sheet. solid dates, statements on a piece of paper he can read from. a fucking assigned number, damnit for the longest time. there's a lot of disconnect with it. it's complicated and as much as, sure, he enjoyed parts of his childhood, it's shrouded by a lot of painful feelings too and he knows that's the way for all of his siblings.

the day grace actually gave him a name instead of a number assignment, diego felt a bit less like a machine and more like a human being. but of course, that came with a lot of emotions he didn't always know what to do with… and his father had a habit of only making it worse. never quite enough, always too reckless, hell, he remembers the amount of times he was told him and his powers were pointless by his fucking father. didn't exactly instil in diego a great sense of self worth.

but at least with his siblings, fighting alongside them, the fame and all of it… at least there, he belonged, right?

he wasn't the first sibling to leave it all behind, but he'd been thinking about it for a long time before he left after turning 18. for diego, the purpose had gotten lost. messy. fogged over. it had become isolating, in truth, and diego wanted to find himself. wanted to see who he could be outside of the family, outside of the expectations and the constant, fucking constant moving hurdles of achievement-- the unattainable approval of it all.

diego moves around a lot after that, even settling in gotham for a while. it kinda made sense, really. a messy city, the right kinda fucked up for him. it was something to really sink into and lose himself too after the whole… getting booted from the police academy shit. boy, had THAT been the wrong option to have tried to chase…

it's during that time in gotham that he comes into contact with the justice league dark and in truth, it's a lot of fun. again, yeah, it's fucking messy and the shit they're all woven into isn't the easiest shit, but it feels… good. and it helps him truly grow his powers too, more so than his stupid father had ever been able to help him with.

in the end though, he ends up back in new york, like maybe he was always meant to.

and then it's 2022 and he's getting the call that his father has died…

there's a lot of bitterness unresolved in diego when he returns to the family home. a lot of bullshit, really. he's angry, maybe he's always been angry. but mostly, he realises he's just been a lost, hurt kid the entire time and it's messy and insane but maybe what he really needs is his family.

and boy oh boy do they manage to fuck it all up… what happened with viktor is always going to haunt him, not being able to protect him sits with him. but… they figured it all out in the end, right? they corrected the shit, and now they have a shot at making a go of this, right? surely they have to get something right eventually. ONE SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR CHARACTER:

wires by the neighbourhood

ooc information: 

**WRITER NAME/ALIAS:** andy

**WRITER AGE:** 29

**WRITER PRONOUNS:** they/them

**WRITER TRIGGERS:** terminal illness, cancer, misrepresentations of mental health.

[szkunas]

I’VE GOT YOU COVERED! ౨ৎㅤsatoru gojo

synopsis / premise ♱ㅤwhy are things so expensive? no problem, there is a certain someone who can pay you if you help him with a little problem. your solution is even better, and do you know why? revenge against ex. || PART TWO (with ex geto)

featuring ♱ㅤsatoru gojo (jjk0 / 2017 version) x FEM reader.

warnings ♱ㅤ NSFW ♡︎ ㅤporn with very little plot ! cowgirl ! reverse cowgirl ! petty revenge + accidental exhibitionism ! satoru thinking with his lower head a lot ! loser!gojo vibes ! OUT OF CHARACTER GOJO ! virginity loss ! dom reader / sub satoru vibes ! unprotected sex (wrap it up) + unrealistic portraits of sex ! creampie ! “sugar daddy” gojo (he pays for some of your things) ! geto mentions (and he is a son of a bitch) ! genocide / death mentions (geto) ! reader is a sorcerer, but like nanami, she quit + (add context: she quit during high school to live a normal life, so she got disconnected with jujutsu world) !

honorary mentions (inspirations, please read) ♱ㅤthis post by @/tiedsuccubus. all credits to them!

author’s note ♱ㅤthis one is for you, anon! i tried to add a little plot, i hope it doesn't suck, lol <3 this was a bit rushed, so, i apologize for the low quality. this was supposed to be satire, but i have no idea what was going through my mind. i wrote this using my entire afternoon, tbh.

OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK is going on with the economy.

is your immediate reaction when you look at your condominium bill this month. the water is a fortune, as if your shower is pouring gold now. the gas is so burst that you just wish one of the pipes had exploded ── that way you would suffocate and wouldn't have to stress about paying this damn bill. not to mention market costs and cell phone plans. a pen twirls between your fingers, and your other hand presses button after button on the calculator at your side.

in front of you, on your living room table, a notebook with the costs of the month, that damn letter full of numbers and that damn little symbol, ¥. subtracting the value of your newly acquired measly salary from a dreary office job? what is left is so little that you fear for the future. if inflation increases a little more, you will start to owe. not to mention the rent for the apartment.

“fuck.” your voice is a tired whisper, tinged with soft desperation. and then the fury comes, quick as lightning. your fists clench, and immediately the headache hits the right side of your skull. it makes you want to break something.

it wouldn’t work. plus, you’re so broke, punching things is a really bad idea at the moment.

anger doesn't overcome despair, it deepens it in incalculable ways. like quicksand: the more you struggle, the quicker you sink until you drown. damn you. it’s all his fault.

when our life is hit by misfortune, we like to blame everything around us. god, the heavens, any mystical entity. or a friend, a family member. wall plaster can become your biggest enemy, depending on your mood. maybe even the food from that bad restaurant last night is the target of your contempt. but this time it is not irrational, you are sure that your misery has two culprits: a man and your own clit.

suguru geto was the kind of romance most girls can only dream about. long dark hair, gentle purple eyes and a posture as gentlemanly as an extremely insatiable libido. bringing flowers every week, picking you up from work. a bit jealous — especially about your male co-workers, who he used to call monkeys under his breath now and then.

still, the lack of selfishness, the constant romantic encounters, sweet words and desperate sex were all it took for you to give up a good part of your savings to help him. a personal project, he said, because the sorcerer's salary had gotten worse recently. because of your lack of connection to jujutsu society, first: you believed him. and second: you didn't know he was a highly wanted criminal for killing at least 112 people (and counting).

he said he loved you. that he would marry you, he had a crush on you since his first year. now that he had you, years later, he was so happy he wanted to marry you. but the night you planned to confront him about the money, he didn't show up. no one in the apartment, the money — your money — vanished in thin air, and you called the same number 39 times. 104 unanswered messages until the blocked number was finally deleted. and then some sorcerers came asking questions.

how embarrassing —, explaining how you had no idea your ex was a mass murderer, because you have been away from the society for so long. their conclusion was simple, and logic: he used the funds to aid his cult (apparently, he even has a cult! promoting the death of non-sorcerers. talk about dodging a bullet).

but the investigators left, he was not found, and society owed you nothing. not even a penny was given to you, despite several meetings and appeals. eventually, you realized that a lawyer was another waste of money, and after so much loss, you would have to chase it. and, of course, you moved to the other side of town. closest to your work, and not an address known to your genocidal ex-boyfriend.

a young woman who abandoned them while still in high school, seeking a normal life? here it is, your normal life: a miserable salary, a stupid boss, sexist co-workers and piles of papers that you wish to incinerate.

“fuck.” you repeat, hands grasping your head desperately. damn suguru geto and his stupid cult.

a light bulb goes off in your head when you remember a very important detail about your ex: who used to be his best friend in high school. satoru gojo.

most girls in the jujutsu world have never had the opportunity to cross paths with the satoru gojo, jujutsu society’s most famous celebrity, in person. but you did. many years ago, you are what he would call senpai. but you are no longer a girl, and he is no longer a teenager boy hiding beneath humor — you are a woman, out of the sorcery world and driving dangerously close to debt. and he is... well. he is gojo.

the strongest sorcerer — heir of one of the three clans, special grade sorcerer and the strongest. that man was swimming in money, certainly.

during your relationship, geto was as firm as possible in making sure you weren't contacting old friends from the jujutsu world. you weren't. it was a firm and difficult decision in his life, but any and all links with the cursed energy needed to be cut and removed from his life, like a parasite. who would have guessed that, years later, you would invite a parasite into your home. but that is beyond the point now.

please, please, if there is a god out there, help me here. you beg, grabbing your phone and looking through contact information.

most of your former friends agreed with your distance and respected your wishes. you told them that they could be accepted back into your life on one condition: if they were also in your situation, they would give up sorcery. nanami did. unlike you, he got a successful job, but he returned to jujutsu recently.

perhaps you won’t need to ask gojo, you could try asking kento for help. he certainly would, but...

you feel guilty about the idea of ​​doing this, of asking for help in this way, but going through old text messages, there's one from six months ago that catches your attention.

SIX MONTHS AGO nanami ;ㅤgojo has been nagging me to invite you for the class reunion. i warned him you’re not coming, you never do. but i’ll be sending you his number regardless, or i’ll have a headache about it the rest of the week. tell him to shut up, too, if possible.

bingo.

a little insecurity passes through you. maybe he doesn’t use that number anymore. rich guys like satoru should change their cell phones like someone changes clothes. but your eyes turn to the calculator, the little that will be left paying for everything alone.

you take a deep breath, copying the number into the box after pressing add new contact. you swallow softly when his picture appears on the top, with the name you inputted. satoru gojo.

a small message is enough. after explaining your situation, your thumb hesitates only a second after hitting send. you wait. you wait more, walking around the apartment and already thinking how much you can sell your tv for when you hear it. the soft tim of your phone and the message that appears on the home screen makes your eyes widen.

satoru gojo;ㅤhey, senpai. it’s been a while since i’ve heard from you. sure, we can talk. anywhere you wanna meet?

you can’t help but be nervous. what to wear to meet the biggest jujutsu celebrity, who is your ex underclassman? of course, you expect him to be dressed like a normal person, so you dress like one too (because, since you were seventeen, you’ve been normal).

a black turtleneck t-shirt, a fuzzy coat so the cold doesn’t get to you, and jeans with black boots. it’s simple but beautiful. makeup is your choice, and it’s not very important anyway. just a little reunion where you go,

you’re going to ask for money from your ex-colleague, who you haven’t seen in almost ten years.

you feel a little stupid, sitting at a table in a coffee shop of your choosing. there are so many people around ── a couple sitting at another table, two old men walking out the door, and even two teenager girls overdoing their large order of crêpes. nothing much for the occasional weekend rush. your cell phone rests in your hands, and for a second, the question hits you with the force of a blow from a club: what if he doesn’t come? you haven’t spoken to him in almost a decade, and you just remembered his existence to ask for money. in his place, you wouldn’t come.

but the bell on the store’s door rings and echoes through the store, and your eyes follow. holy. shit.

the gangly high school boy is now a tall man with an undercut. and he’s ripped. wow. it almost makes your mouth water, seeing the way he moves ── as if he were a model or knew the status and presence he has. with confidence and serenity. a far cry from the messy walk you saw what seems like a lifetime ago. satoru looks around, taking in the people, and you quickly wave at him. there’s also a chance he wouldn’t recognize you if you didn’t, but he turns towards you and smiles anyway.

“ah, senpai. sorry. i’m a little late.”

as he sits down, you take a moment to enjoy the view, unaware that he’s doing the same thing underneath that bandana. the coat falls from your shoulders, exposing a little more of the tight way the black blouse hugs you. okay, wow. he’s partially convinced, and you haven’t exchanged a word.

“thank you for meeting me here.” you say.

he shakes his head. “i was more surprised to receive a message from you. thank you. so, you said you were in a difficult financial situation, right?”

your hesitant nod is enough to get a smile from him. in a way, you’re still the older girl he liked in school, who he missed dearly when you were gone. and wow, you’re more beautiful than he thought. gojo never got a picture of him ── damn nanami and his incorruptible ethics, his immunity to bribery made this all harder ──, but he doesn’t need one anymore. after today, he doesn’t intend to forget what you look like.

“i think i have a way to help both of us. if you do me a favor, i can transfer some money to your account right now.”

you raise your eyebrow. okay, that wasn’t unexpected. quid pro quo, after all. no one gets anything for free in this world, and you can’t expect batting your eyelashes and giving gojo a desperate pout to do the work for you. want money? start moving. then you sigh.

“okay. what’s the favor?”

he raises his hand, and smiles softly. “damn, my manners, sorry. don’t you want to drink something? ask for what you want, i’ll pay.” you can’t tell for sure because of the blindfold, but he seems to have winked at you.

satoru and his games, his charm. evasion, in reality. it’s hard to resist, especially since this place seems to have one or two really good options, so you give in. he’s the one making the biggest sacrifice, after all, and why not have a coffee with him?

after defining the orders ── satoru ordered a damn cake and a coffee with extra sugar, and it’s a shock that he hasn’t developed diabetes by this point ──, you settle down in your chairs. casual, smooth conversation. it is good. it had been a while since you talked to anyone in the jujutsu field, afraid that your return or the more intense missions would be the only topic. but it’s surprising how much an old colleague suppresses a great lack in his heart.

while he takes a bite of the cake, and you drink your coffee, his eyes end up following and analyzing. he is surprisingly tall, and appears much more muscular than he was before. his voice is more confident, loose as he chatters. you blink as he returns to the topic that brought you here.

“so, senpai. straight to business. i don’t want to waste the time of a busy woman like you.”

“no, please. i don’t have work to do today. and you don’t need to call me by the honorific, i’m not your senpai anymore. you can just call me by my name now.”

he nods in agreement. “of course, of course. soooo. about my proposal.” satoru takes a deep breath, leaning in, and you immediately follow the movement with your gaze. “you need money, and i need a favor. it’s kind of personnel. it has to do with my clan, business, etc., the details are kind of irrelevant and would bore you to death.”

he stops, and you get a little angry. can’t men get straight to the point? say everything at once? what, he’s a batman villain who wears a question mark to try out riddles now?

“i want you to know,” the toone of them becomes more serious, and less fun. but no less affectionate in any way. there seems to be a deep respect for you, even if you can’t think of any achievements of yours that could have impressed satoru. “that even if you reject it, i will pay you. of course, i’ll pay more if you agree, but i don’t want you to accept it just for the money. i don’t want you to be forced to help me out of necessity.”

okay. one less problem. you will receive it no matter your position in this strange arrangement ── but simultaneously, this reaction causes comfort and nervousness. if he is saying this, perhaps it is a very strange favor, which cannot be mentioned in any way. like those non-disclosure contracts that hide terrible secrets, which you can’t tell to avoid being sued.

“i want you to go on a date with me.”

what?

before you can react, he continues speaking.

“i—i just want a date. a real date, here at the coffee shop or somewhere else. you choose the place, the time, i pay.” satoru hesitates, as if he was nervous. it’s almost cute. the guy could destroy the country with one hand behind his back, but he’s blushing while asking you out. “we don’t have to do anything. holding hands, kissing or— it’s nothing like that. just a date. me, you, somewhere nice and talk. maybe flirt. he knows?”

okay, you didn’t expect that. he laughs a little at his surprised expression, as if he expected this reaction and thought it was cute anyway.

“you don’t have to look at me like that. just say no.” he searches his pockets for a moment, pulling out his cell phone. probably opening his bank app with a sigh. “i’m going to make the deposit, and you can forget that i—”

“no.” his hand grabs his wrist surprisingly quickly. like cat reflexes, or witch reflexes. “satoru. i’m sorry, gojo, i—”

“satoru is fine.” he murmurs, staring at the way his hand grips his wrist. of course he could let go, but why would he?

he’s loving it. the attention of a woman he’s always wanted is like a refreshing drink on a hot day. or the iced, sugary coffee he sips in this cold hell, whatever. you huff and take a deep breath.

“okay, fine. satoru. that’s fine with me, i’ll agree with that after you tell me why. but i do.”

he stops for a moment ── probably blinking in surprise ──, tilting his head to the side. “you know, people from a big clan usually have these arranged marriages. this crap that happens to most of us heirs. but i don’t want any of that. still, they won’t leave me alone until i’m seeing someone, you know?”

“and why exactly don’t you just… hire an actress and be done with it? or flirt with a girl and explain the situation?”

“they want her to be a sorcerer. because obviously they want to.” he lets out a dry laugh, without much humor. “i could ask shoko, but no one will believe it. and i don’t want it to become this big thing. it’s just, it would be nice if it were an actual date too, without an actress and all that. and i can’t really go up flirting with the sorcerer women our age out there, because…”

you lean in gently, trying to listen to his confession better.

“i’m a little inexperienced.”

okay, you’re sure this is a big joke. maybe someone will come out from behind a plant with a microphone and a camera. he doesn’t mean what you think he does, right? the vulnerable tone of his voice makes you hesitate, but the fact that satoru gojo is a virgin is a little surprising.

like, wow. of course geto was more popular with the girls ── manipulative little shit ──, but satoru never lagged behind when it came to flirting. thinking about your ex, a little bitterness runs through you, and the darkest corner of your heart shows. geto really cared about his best friend. his beautiful, charming best friend, who now needs a favor and could be his way out of the deep end.

of course, you feel self-serving, selfish, but you’re both winning. and a part of you is even a little possessive. better with you than some random girl who would criticize him for being inexperienced at that age. your hand moves, and tries to hold his hand.

“want to gain experience?”

satoru stops. he looks at you, clearly analyzing your face to find out if you’re not messing with him. maybe a cruel prank in some way, but no. even almost ten years later, satoru feels like he knows you. you, with your kind and loving soul, would not do that. you wouldn’t dare. he only needs some seconds to decide.

his response is a nod and a few clicks. then, he turns the screen towards you. the amount of zeros almost makes your jaw drop. that is a small value for him? deposit completed.

“your house or mine?”

that’s why you are where you are. sitting on satoru’s lap while you make out desperately on your couch. your house being chosen brought a bit of shame, it’s modest, etc., but he didn’t mind at all. he thought it was kind of cute, and said it loud and clear just to tease you. that brat.

unlike some inexperienced guys you’ve locked lips with (some of them cherished memories, others bitter mistakes you’d love to forget), he’s soft. gentle. he doesn’t do anything that you don’t allow, and much of the initiative is taken by you. he doesn't rush or try to take you immediately.

you press down on his bottom lip with your tongue, before nibbling on it. your hands cup his face as he opens his mouth, letting your tongue slide with his. he threw your coat to the other side of the room the moment you guys walked through the door. satoru can feel the way you lick inside his mouth, and it makes him shiver. his hand grab your waist tightly, although he is trying to be gentle.

your fingers trail through his face, his hair, as you keep kissing — soft sounds of mwah mwah mwah echoing the room, mixed with your heavy breaths and one or two soft moans. you reach for his blindfold, a bit curious, before he brings his hands up to remove it immediately.

“wait— doesn’t taking it off hurt you?” you question softly, and god, if he hears your voice like this one more time, he’s going to lose it.

satoru shakes his head. “not that much. i can handle it. it’s nothing important.” he cups your chin with one hand as he tugs on the bands that cover his eyes. he pulls you back to kissing as he throws them somewhere else.

he wants to see you. bright blue eyes, almost intoxicating, focusing completely on every inch of exposed skin he can see. there is a soft, contained desperation, losing restraint, as his hands walk over your body gently. palming, squeezing softly, touching.

you pull back for a moment, your thumb brushing against his bottom lip. simultaneously, his hand is trailing down your clothed stomach.

“so,” he smirks softly, trying to act as if he’s not a blushing mess. okay, his experience ended here. of course, satoru knows how to give a few kisses, a silly hand or two, but this is where everything gets serious.

he has no idea how to proceed, and no matter how confident he wants to appear, he’s going to depend on you now. to guide him, to take care of him. help him out.

god, your little smirk does things to him. your torso leans in, and he can shiver as your lips press against the shell of his ear. voice sweet, low and soft, like sound velvet.

“you want what’s underneath, baby?”

he nods softly, dropping his head to the side and panting softly as you pepper kisses down his neck. “yeah. y–yeah, i do. please.”

the sound of your laugh makes his stomach flutter, and satoru bites his lip gently, suppressing a hiss. he’s nearly ── actually, really would be a better word ── sure that you’re sucking hickeys on his neck. branding him as yours as your lips suck purple bruises over that pale skin of his. the strongest sorcerer, melting in a puddle as you start to grind your hips slowly.

the friction is soft. very unsatisfying, but it makes you both groan nonetheless. you can feel him, already hard beneath you, and you’re certain he can feel the way you pulse and throb all over him, as well. quid pro quo. two-way street. what is done, what is paid, or any other expression of the sort.

you roll your tongue over some of the hickeys you left behind, and he groans. actually groans a bit loudly. you have the feeling gojo is not someone used to holding back his noises for any reason ── besides, it’s not like he’s got any experience to understand how loud his volume is in bed.

but you’ll have fun helping him discover it. what a good senpai you are. aiding an underclassman when he’s in trouble.

one of his hands grabs your hips, and he pants softly.

“you’re teasing me,” he runs his tongue over his lips, wetting them. he’s sweating. it’s the middle of the winter, and satoru is sweating.

“couldn’t help it, sorry,” you trail up your kisses to his jaw, the corner of his mouth, until your lips press to his again. a silent apology made in the sound of lewd kissing. he tugs at your shirt, a bit desperately, and you want to tell him to have patience.

your heart’s deepest desire right now is to ruin this man. turn him into a needy mess, who can’t live without you or your touch. spend hours edging him and teasing him with kisses, touches, licks—

but he groans again, and you’ll decide that’s for another day. you will go easy on him, you’ll be gentle. it’s the poor thing’s first time, and you don’t want to destroy him. yet.

“okay, baby, okay.” you chuckle against his mouth. the way he tries to lick you, touch you, it’s like he’s afraid this is one of his dreams. that, any second now, this will all be over and he will be alone once again. you will disappear and he will have no one. but you are there precisely to prove that this is not true.

you lean back, grabbing the hem of your shirt and pulling it up. satoru doesn’t even try to hide his staring ── and how could he? without the blindfold, he can actually see you as much as he can feel you. your body is a sight he will never forget. one of your hands trails down to his belt, tugging on it. satoru gasps, surprised.

“now, undress and answer me something, ‘toru.” he pauses, his eyes moving up to stare at you ── your face, he means. “here, or my bed?”

the decision takes less than a second.

“here. don’t make me wait anymore.” satoru groans loudly when you unclasp your bra in front of him, and his hands immediately move up. you smack them away and his lips part in shock.

he stares daggers at you, slightly offended you’re keeping something so good from him. his lips curve into a pout and you have to resist the desire to kiss him again. “what?” he asks, trying to find out what he has to do to gain access to paradise (also known as your body).

you nod your head, and he lets out a soft oh, helping you lean back for him to undress. satoru stops moving completely as you bring one hand up and runs it through his hair.

“good boy.”

damn. that gesture was so— affectionate, genuine. sweet and lovely, your personality and how he believes is your taste as well. and the nickname? lord and heavens above, it does something to him. the thought makes him sure anyone would need a winch truck to get you off him now. he’s not letting you go.

you undo the buttons of your pants, lowering them slightly, then it all. satoru plays with the hem of your panties as you readjust on his lap, looking down. well, okay, there’s a big surprise expecting you there.

his hard cock, between your legs, the head just barely two inches below your belly button. you can feel yourself shivering as you swallow hard, and the sound makes satoru look up. he looks, slightly insecure. which is probably the normal reaction for when a guy is having his first time and the woman keeps staring at his dick. but you’re quick to cup his face again.

“hey, hey. it’s fine. i’m just trying to make sure. you want this?”

he nods immediately. “of course, but if you don’t—”

“satoru, we’ve been over this. i want this. i want you.” he sees the way your eyes roll, and he partially expects he can make them roll differently soon enough.

hearing the words earn a small smirk out of him, even if they make blood rush to his face, cheeks and groin altogether. you’re about to lean in to kiss him again, to soothe his worries before you two begin, when you hear a soft sound. riiiiiiip.

you gasp, smacking his arm lightly. “satoru!”

“i’ll buy you another. i’ll buy you as many as you want, just stop teasing me.”

you sigh. you should be mad that he just ripped your panties off you ── literally ──, but he looks so flushed and desperate you can’t say no. he shivers as your hands trails down and hold his shoulders, and your hips lift up.

you look down at him, hugging his head close and sighing at the way he kisses your neck and collarbone. even if you’ve already messed up enough because of your provocations, some foreplay never harmed anyone.

satoru genuinely whimpers when you start grinding against him. slow, but surely, your hips drag softly up and down. his red tip catches on your clit, and you both hold your breaths for a moment. you look at him ── him. not the strongest sorcerer, not a weapon or just a rich playboy who you’re fucking around with. just satoru. his face flushed, breathing heavily, and staring at the ceiling of your apartment.

then you sink down on him with no warning at all, and you both hold each other tighter. he’s moaning loudly and slowly as the feeling of your pussy around his walls ── practically melting already ──, while you’re hissing because of the stretch. it’s not that uncomfortable. you just need a few minutes to adjust yourself, caressing his arms. apparently, he needs to adjust, too.

he throws his head back, nearly hitting your forehead with his, his eyes a bit wide. gojo looks dumb already, and you haven’t even started properly. he rests his head against your shoulder, holding your hips against him. by the angle, you can tell his eyes are focused on the way your cunt hugs his cock.

“ah— haaah. it’s in— it’s inside...” he mumbles, and his voice sounds so heavy and drown with lust, you really believe you broke the guy with only that.

you pet his hair, whispering gentle praises in his ear. good boy. you’re doing so good, satoru. so good for me.

“i’m going to start moving now, okay? get comfortable.”

your wish is his command, and he leans back against the couch. your hips move up, slamming back down. he gasps, and you smirk. then again. again.

the movement becomes repetitive and messy as you repeat the motion to find a pace that suits you both. satoru is spilling out every curse he knows beneath you, guiding your hips weakly with his hands. you bite down your bottom lip, nearly melting as well. gojo hisses at your fingernails sink into his skin, carving half-moon marks on his broad shoulders.

“oh my god, oh my god,” he blabbers out, barely able to think. you’re not much better. his head keeps hitting that spot that makes you see starts, and you’re honestly more using him like a personal dildo than thinking about the money you’ll get for this.

“you’re killin’ me. you are— genuinely, h-honestly trying to kill me. fuuuuuck.” he throws his head back against the couch, whimpering.

“stay. still.” you murmur, leaning in to glue your chest to his. the way you arch your back just slightly as you fuck yourself all over him is driving satoru insane. he has to catch himself nearly three times not to burst immediately.

he’s panting like he ran a marathon, desperate eyes wide and glassy with tears. it feels so good ── you have no idea of the tremendous power you have over him right now and at all times. the way you clench around him nearly makes him drool.

satoru holds your waist more gently, trying to help you. he tentatively moves his hips up, and your eyes snap open. his hand trails down to the curve of your ass, and he rests his chin against your shoulder, peeking over it to watch it.

“pussy is so good, i can’t── i can’t breathe.”

you laugh mockingly, biting down your lip again and humming. the way you kiss his forehead, as if he became a dumb toy for you to use as you please. he wants you to take all his money, he’ll go bankrupt in a second if he can have this everyday.

he doesn’t notice he’s saying it out loud until his abs clench. satoru calls your name desperately, repeatedly, trying to warn you his body is burning, yearning for you.

“i’m going to, i’m going.. i’m going to cum so damn hard. ohmygod. can i cum? can i, please? just, let me, let me, please, i need to—”

you press another kiss to his cheek, breathless yourself as you move up and down, back and forth. rolling your hips against him as he thrusts up desperately.

“it’s okay. it’s okay, baby, i’m right behind you.”

the way you say baby is melting his brain, he swears it.

satoru starts shaking ── scared by the intensity of his orgasm, he starts shaking his head. his eyes narrow, and he throws his head back with a groan.

his abs clench again, and all his muscles burn as he spills it all inside you, painting your insides white. fucking into your pussy like a madman and hugging you closer while gasping.

you’re so close you barely notice that he’s saying something to you. repeatedly. one of your eyes close, and you moan softly in his ear as your own orgasm washes over you.

for an inexperienced guy, he’s an experience you would repeat without gaining a cent, certainly.

“one, two, zero, seven──” he’s babbling, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. “three, five, six, six— fuuuck, back pocket, on the left.”

“what?” you murmur, leaning back. what is he talking about?

satoru needs a whole minute to compose himself, and you touch his cheek, wondering if he’s okay. he looks at you while leaning into your palm, shivering.

“back pocket on the left.” he breathes heavily. “my credit card.”

your eyes widen. “satoru. what? i can’t take your credit card!”

gojo feels as if you’re about to be pulled apart from him, you both sweating. he came so much, and he’s still inside, wondering if a bit is going to come out. he looks up at you with a soft, weak smirk.

“what are you talking about, princess? i mean it. it’s yours to spend as you wish.” he winks at you, looking at the mess he’s made in between your legs. satoru leans in, his lips brushing against yours as he whispers. “if you let me do that again, i’ll get you a card for yourself. how does that sound, princess?”

you chuckle, kissing him once, twice. wrapping your arms around him. “you don’t have to. i would do it for free.” you pause. “change that password, by the way. your birthday is easy to guess.”

satoru pouts, rolling his eyes as your face turns to look over your shoulder, at the balcony. the curtains are closed off, for sure, and for god’s sake, you live on the fifth floor. no one could just climb up here, but you felt watched. he pinches one of your nipples, and you snap your head back to look at him, tugging at his hair.

“ow.” he mumbles. “what are you doing, anyway? if you’re not interested in a second round, you can tell me, it’s okay.”

“nothing, sorry. just being paranoid.” you turn around, pressing your back against his chest. you both groan again, and you can feel his cock growing hard inside you once more. “i’m very interested, satoru. let’s get you some more experience.”

as he grabs your hips again with a smirk, a curse takes flight from your balcony. it looks like a macabre and bloody owl, whose eyes could be windows or televisions for anyone who knew how to look through them.

ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE, I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY MISTAKES.ㅤthank you for reading! <3

[mmausambi]

Yalella

aaaaa, I've gone so long never posting my work, this is exciting! I don't know if I'll keep posting things I write here, but my GOD have I gone so many years just collecting bits of my own writing and never letting it see the light of day...

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At first, Yalella endured it because she'd brought it upon herself.  

They'd been willing to treat her with much more... she wouldn't use the word 'respect,' but perhaps, 'dignity,'–– before she'd gone and killed the first castellan they'd put in-charge. She could argue that 'kill,' was a strong word to be using, but the man had walked to his death on her counsel. The land's magic had eaten him alive. They had her in a cell Dargals reserved for their worst offenders. Usually, people stayed there for a few weeks, up to a month, perhaps, just to drive home the severity of their offense, before they were transferred to a better holding cell. It was no better than one of a few holes dug near the guards' barracks, an underground thing of rough hewn walls and barely any space to stand or move, with a filthy bucket in the corner. It brushed her elbow every time she stretched, reeking of a stench that made her nauseous. The best days were when the weather was dry, and the air mild, and if she turned her face to the grill above her head, she could feel the fresh breeze and sun. But when it was high noon, the sun glared down into her hole, trapping her in its sweltering heat for hours on end until her head pounded so much she felt she might pass out; or come rain, it was much, much worse. They allowed her walks once a day, if she was keeping track of the time right. They forgot at times, or when they were lacking entertainment, they'd let her out more often. It wouldn't be far, just around the barracks a bit, chained as she was to the grill above her head. At first, the guards had been wary, but now, she felt as if she was little more than a prized circus animal to parade around to bolster their moods. There was still fear in their eyes. A hatred that came to be sewn deeper and deeper as the days went on. Their occupation of Dargal must not be going well. The thought would bring her some satisfaction out of her wretched situation, but these days, more and more, she heard the word 'plague,' being passed around in hushed whispers among the guards. A nagging worry had wormed its way into a faint paranoia in her heart, and a new restlessness whiled away her time. Today was not a warm or dry day. It was humid. She felt the grime and sweat on her skin prickle her all over, her head filled with a dull haze. Yalella closed her eyes to the grey sky, thoughts formulating, dissolving, leaving her feeling lost, even as surrounded as she was, by her land. As always, the days just left her feeling empty, and disconnected, in a way she hadn't ever felt before. There was the thud of boots on dirt ground, and faintly, she was aware that guards must be approaching her holding cell. She inhaled a long breath. Was it time for another walk again? Truly, she could not count the number of times she'd imagined taking one of the guard's faces in her palms, and hammering a knife right into the spots between their eyes until she could hear the crack of their skulls. Like melons, she mused vaguely. And then, no, perhaps, more like coconuts. Her stomach growled. She could literally kill for a coconut at the moment. The grill over her head creeeeaaked as they shoved it open, and she found arms wrapping around hers, pulling her out of the cell. A growl formulated at the back of her throat, as they forced her to stand. "Look alive, witch," one of them said. "The Czar has come to pay you a visit." At that, she tensed, and she swung her head around at the men surrounding her, squinting at them under her lashes. They were a group of four, dressed modestly like most of the guards she’d gotten used to seeing around the grounds, wearing Castilan rank and colors. None of them screamed 'Czar' material to her, not from the tales of bloodlust and horror that had filtered over to her ears throughout the years. Then again, looks could be deceiving, and she gave one of the men with a bushy mustache a side-eye look, attempting to picture him the mastermind behind their current predicament. He looked a little slow for the job, but perhaps if she turned her head just right and squinted, she could imagine the man could look vaguely threatening. The man bent down, starting to undo her chains, and she tipped her head dizzily at them all. They never took off her chains. "The lovely Czar's not joining us here, I take it?" She asked. She sneered, "Is my cell not fit to receive someone of such high station?" They don't hit her for that, which she was not sure if she appreciated. There was no way of telling whether she was getting under their skins or not if they weren't trying to knock her out for it. They escorted her down the barrack pathways, and she turned her face to the sky, breathing in the afternoon air. Her mind swirled, clouded by weeks of pent-up grief over her people, anger, and hunger. Now what would the great Czar want, meeting with her? It felt frustrating, not having information. She’d been cut off from her people for so long, and no news traveled to her that didn’t come directly from her guards. They rounded the dirt pathways to the Castilian compounds, and then the courtyards. Yallella barely bothered to straighten her posture or attempt any effort to look civil. She was dressed in what used to be a deep red of the other prisoners’ uniforms, but after the past few weeks in her little hole in the ground, it had become a faded maroon. Her dark hair hung around her head in ringlets and was plastered to her neck in sweat, her eyes darted greedily around the new surroundings, taking in as much information as she could. Her gait was slightly unsteady, and the guards had to slow their pace for her. The compounds looked better-settled than she’d last seen them, and from here, she could hear the thoroughfares of the capital city. She regarded the men they approached with a dry gaze, settling on the one that seemed to be the Czar, taking in how everyone else stood around him. The man who’d brought upon an era of war. “I’m humbled to be in the presence of the great Czar,” she said, her tone almost sincere, though she doesn’t offer a bow. “Why, if I’d been informed of your visit beforehand, I would’ve thrown you a welcome parade. As it stands, I imagine it would be a bit difficult at the moment.” She found it pathetic that all she had were words and a foul mood to greet him with. Ah, one day at a time. One of the guards almost smiled at the obvious nonsense that had come out of her mouth, and she fixed him with a glower until he lowered his eyes. She regarded the Czar a bit like a wary predator meeting another. She’d heard horrific tales of the man passed around over the course of the war. “To what do we owe the honor?”

[trainingdummyrabbit]

to me, not exactly. at least, i dont think so. i dont really go there (re: akaza,) so i had to dig around and do some research to refresh myself on him; and while i Do definitely see where youre coming from with this, i cant help but feel thats not exactly fair to either of them!

akaza (or hakuji, for this bit specifically) is an interesting character in that he is undyingly loyal. more specifically, he’s a character that has Always had something to care about, (...until he didnt, i suppose.) first with his father, that he was willing and able to commit crimes for just to help, and then again with the dojo and koyuki after That particular trauma. he’s certainly committed acts of dubious morality-- but it has always been for someone he cares about. he doesnt do it for himself, he does it for others. that is, quite literally, his key defining feature. that’s Him. 

kaigaku, on the other hand... super isn’t that. of course, this is limited to simply all we know of him from his ~2 chapters of screentime, but kaigaku is a character that, in my eyes, never had much of Anything. nobody he cared about, nor vice versa-- just a cruel world and Himself. he’s never had reason to care. or, more specifically, he’s always actively had a reason not to, no matter how “correct” it was. his entire existence is self-centered, and he acts as such. that is His defining feature. distrust and selfishness.

the key point between the two of them, i think, is Honor. 

its something hakuji picked up and held close with the last words of his father And with the influence keizo, the dojo owner. even after becoming a demon, the remnants of that unshaking hold of it still resonates even if he does not recall the reason-- both in the call to protect (or in this case, Serve,) and his own code of morals (re: not attacking women.)

kaigaku, on the other hand, has a bit of a laughable relationship with it. honor has never meant anything to him. its just a word cowards hide behind when theyre too weak to do what needs to be done. strikingly, this applies not just in the meaning of “moral code” but also “dignity,” in that he is willing to go through any length so long as he gets his comeuppance at the end. (interestingly, this plays against akaza’s refusal to keep going in infinity castle in a fascinating way.) 

the reason i say “thats unfair to both of them,” specifically, is that: They Would Fucking Hate Each Other. kaigaku was just some lowlife who talks big shit but cant back himself up-- who gloats over things he got by getting lucky and picking through the garbage of their situation like some sort of vermin. akaza was a threat looming over him that he had to overcome, who didnt have the guts to fully commit to being a demon, and, potentially, someone he Actively Resents.

if they’d gotten to know each other, they’d be simultaneously Uncomfortably Similar and Painfully Different in such a way that would just manifest as Disgust in both of them. similar beats, different tunes. like two books of different genres that somehow share a line,but mean them in completely different ways. 

akaza, with the complete overwrite of who he is, seeing someone who goes against an internal code of his that he can no longer remember, would get particularly irritated by that disconnect and react a Bit worse than he normally does with people he doesnt like. more than just a typical irritation that he cannot and will not explain. kaigaku sees strange, annoying remnants of those he’d turned against-- what you Can and Cannot do, what is Moral, blah blah he doesn’t care. and then they have the audacity to tell you what to do when they cant even break some stupid code even if that’s the best option. its particular, personal resentments that just so happen to instantly flare up in each other. the sensation of watching someone do the Worst Job Possible and think theyre hot shit for it. one just happens to have way more experience than the other.

aka: akaza would kick his ass and would not think twice about it.

Hehe hi Pik :0 I'll give you three questions for your ask game and you can pick out whatever you want to answer <:]

What are your thoughts on Kaigaku? I know he's a bit of spoiler territory but I'm curious .. or maybe what are your thoughts on Muichiro? You decide!

A question just for me, though ,, do YOU have a favorite bird? .., !!

oh abolutely HYSTERICAL to give a pick scenario and then lay down topics that will instantly get me to talk for hours on end at the drop of a hat KSJNGFKDJNGKD

so!! the easy one!! my favorite bird, ithink, is between the mourning dove and the house sparrow! they are not terribly glamorous but i love them so so dearly and will instantly cheer up when i think about them :')

as for the character questions. thank you for enabling me HJBSJFBJD

i could very very easily write an entire goddamn essay about Either of them, but for the sake of saving whatever brevity i can manage to keep, ill save talking abt mui for when That Episode(tm) drops whenever it does, because inevitebly, i will be Absolutely Inconsolable and it Will happen anyway KJNDKGDF

instead, for now, under a cut because this preamble is already paragraphs long... kaigaku.

i fucking hate this man. i cannot stand him, hes the worst, he is so fucking stupid, i think about him fucking constantly, and he is one of my favorites. he is so fucking insufferable, and i love him!

ok so. getting into kny, i was like. immediately a zenitsu liker. like i saw him and went "god. fuck. shit. its gonna be this nerd i dont even know about yet and i can feel it already." (i was right.) which is Crucial to knowing the angle here. and when i got to his part in th manga, i . genuinely dont remember if i even thought too hard about him. i dont even remember when i Did, i just know that he Wasnt there, and then he Was, and he Never Fucking Left KSJNKDJGN

which is very very fucking funny, considering... how much of a character he straight up Isnt.

like yeah! he sure does show up in a flashback and then fights zen and dies about it! it takes like, a two chapters max! and the entire time, his only character trait is "bitch for no reason." like... that sure isn't a lot to go off of. so like... why? i guess thats kind of the answer in and of itself.

why is he like this? why is he like this?? what made him this way? we know he grew up orphaned, but why? we knew he turned on gyomei's group and ran, but why? we know he trained to be a demon slayer with zen and kuwajima, but why? why, why, why? we just don't know.

we know he's a survivalist. we know that he's willing to go to any lengths, stoop to any lows, just to make it another day. because another day is another chance you get to get them back, to prove them wrong, to rise above it and laugh in their faces and say "see? see what im capable of? bet you feel sorry now."

shame doesnt exist to him. he will make Anything of himself just to make it by. do anything, drop anyone. no connections, impermanence. its clear in flashbacks that, honestly... nobody liked him very much. and like, well, yeah. obviously. he sucks, and he isnt afraid to show it. but isnt that just so strange? broken box of happiness, disatisfaction. he refuses to forge connections, claiming the only people he tolerates are those who respect him, who see his worth.

and that's... the weird thing about him. see, because, the thing is that... i don't fucking believe him for a second. he talks big game, he can back it up, sure, especially as a demon, but... the entire time he talks, every word he says during his confrontation with zen just felt like a bluff. like he's trying to sound threatening, to sound powerful, making a threat display like an animal. every technique he chooses to execute is some new, big, flashy display of his Power, talking, taunting, still taunting.

its a lot of reading between lines, but... this man is a fucking liar. that fight felt different, it felt quick, and well... maybe because it wasn't a fight. this was some guy taking out his anger on someone in a desperate attempt to prove he's worth something.

i just think that this man is a deeply jealous bastard intent on making himself seem larger than he really is, convincing himself that he's the one that's right and it's everyone else that's wrong simply because he can't process just how awful he is.

growing up barely scraping by on his own, of course he'd become painfully self-reliant. of course he would take advantage of anything he could, anyone he could. you'd have to be that self-centered to survive. talk big, act big, nobody will mess with you. nobody can take advantage of you if you take advantage of them first.

and when he gets shown that kindness, being taken in for the first time... of course he'd take advantage of them too. he's hard-wired with instability in mind, so obviously the clear answer is to take what you can and go before something else happens and they get to you first (even if that was never really a threat.) and if they throw you out for it? it's just proof you were right. you were always right, clearly it isn't your fault. and if you happen to throw them under the bus for it... well, obviously they deserved it. there's no reason to think about it anymore.

being with kuwajima was fine. we don't know anything about the earlier days (which im so sad about) but from the looks of it, he was doing fine. about as fine as he could be, at least. he clearly respected him at first, enjoyed being treated as something special, having his work and talents appreciated-- which he did have! he was a staggeringly impressive slayer, but that's an aside-- and even berated zenitsu for supposedly "disrespecting him" by referring to him as jiichan. which. sighs.

so, zenitsu. dynamics Of Ever. honestly, even without the whole Contention there, kai would've just kinda disliked him because he's... motions with hand. look at him. but its the fact that they were considered together that pissed kaigaku off so much. because that implied that they were on the same level when, to him, they so very clearly were not.

zenitsu was annoying. he was weak, whined too much, cried too much, never put in any effot, he was so, so annoying. which made it that much more insulting that jiichan would continue to try to train him. just leave him behind already! he keeps trying to run away, let him! obviously he just isn't good enough. he's not special like he was. and yet, kuwajima kept trying.

and the fact that he did... probably completely went against everything kaigaku saw in the way the world worked. for lack of a better term, he was very "survival of the fittest" minded in that, if you weren't good, you just weren't good. you'd try and struggle and inevitably die off. the world isn't kind, and will take any chance it has to kick you down. that's why you take what you can, when you can.

if you're weak, nobody helps you. if nobody helps you, you either help yourself or die silently. that was what separated the weak and the strong. and you always, always were either one or the other. again, that's his survivalism talking. so, seeing this person he at the very least Respected waste time on some nobody instead of him, expecting something to come of it... well, it was insulting!

and to think that they were even anywhere close enough to put together? to share the title of successor? with this guy? either it meant that kuwajima thought zenitsu was as good as kai was (to him, a laughable idea,) or that kai wasn't any better than some kid who could barely swing a sword. and that was what irritated him the most.

that was the point of their final confrontation. it was kaigaku proving, once and for all, finally, that he was better than zenitsu. was it purely out of hatred for this kid who looked up to him like a brother? was it out of jealousy of someone who got so many kindnesses granted to him despite, to him, not really deserving it? was it just to prove that he was a powerful demon to those who now had their eyes on him, too? whatever it was, at its core... it was laughing in the faces of those who, honestly, genuinely cared about him (and in his eyes, never truly did.)

he could've ended that fight whenever he wanted to-- its even stated in canon that zen wouldve just lost if he was given more time to grow-- but... he just kept showing off. kept talking. it didnt feel like he was using techniques to fit the combat-- it felt like he was showing off what he could do now. he was proving a point. the only thing that stopped him was what he never acknowledged back when they were training together-- that zenitsu did have worth. that he was growing, too. and using what kaigaku refused to acknowledge in him, zenitsu cut him down-- with a symbol of the respect and comraderie that he hoped to have together. a "sorry, aniki."

kaigaku's appearance in canon is less of the role of a character, but as a statement. hes a walking tragedy. he pushes away everything that makes life What It Is in favor of this image of Strength, which is exactly why he becomes-- at first glance-- a caricature. he stops being a person and starts being a Thing. zen tries to keep him in mind as a Person (despite it all) but when he ultimately gives up hope is when the encounter ends. and when kai's role ends as well.

the only thing i still wonder is... does he regret it? in the very depths of his mind, behind all that mess he puts up, after throwing everything away... did he regret it? twice, he was shown care and kindness, and twice he betrayed them. does he know? does he regret it? does he have the capacity to? or has he simply committed so hard to the role he was given-- to the role he put himself in-- that he simply cannot fathom a world in which he was the problem? could it have been different?

put simply... what the fuck is wrong with him?

. anyway, heres a bunch of posts that remind me of him.

[thewordswewrite]

Lonely Is Our Lives

Chapter 3 - Shout at the Devil

Pairing | Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader

!!VERY IMPORTANT A/N!! | I want to preface this by saying I DO NOT condone Billy’s actions throughout the series. I DO NOT condone his violence or abuse, ESPECIALLY against Lucas but also including Max and the others. At the time season two came out in 2017, nearly FIVE years ago at the time I'm writing this, I was very angry and frustrated at the world, resentful of a younger sibling, and disconnected from the people around me so I kind of latched onto Billy as a character and what he represented. I absolutely DID NOT understand what his actions against Lucas truly meant and I DID NOT register it as the racism it was. Knowing what I know now I've decided to write a fic where Billy is able to let go of some of his anger and have someone there to check him and his actions in order to set him on a better path. I wrote this for me as a bit of a redemption fic for both of us.

Playlist | Link | Chapter Three: Songs 9-12

Story Summary | One fateful 1983 night you narrowly escape death on Steve Harrington’s property while Barbara Holland is presumed dead. Left jaded and angry, you carry on towards your senior year in a haze of sex, drugs, and alcohol just to get through the day. But, when Billy Hargrove moves to Hawkins, Indiana during the fall of 1984 things get worse before they get better.

Chapter Summary | Your shift turns interesting when a certain someone shows up and you have a surprisingly serious talk. The week seemed like it was going to be uneventful but late Saturday night things begin to take a turn.

Story Warnings | explicit language, angst, abusive parents, smut 18+ minors DNI, heavy drug and alcohol usage, alcohol/drug abuse, implied physical abuse, injuries,

W/C | 3.8k

Taglist | @youcantbesirius , @xronniexo , @zzokks , @marihoneywk​ ,  @darlingjae ​

A/N | Honestly I was putting off writing this cause Saph leaves for college this week and I was sad and spending all my time with her but I finished it kinda fast once I started lol. I’m not leaving for school until September and now I have to be here all alone ;( Also Dacre has a poetry book apparently? -Smoe

|Masterlist|  |Chapter One|  |Chapter Two|  |Chapter Four|  |Chapter Five|

You stared absently out the windshield of your parked car as you smoked. You’d caved and bought another pack of Djarum Specials on your way to work, much to your annoyance. You tried to be on time today and you’d left with just enough time to step through the doors exactly as your shift started but, when you’d passed the gas station on main street, you couldn't help but pull in and pick yourself up a pack.

You felt bad for making Robin, your shift partner, run the store by herself while you sat and puffed your bad mood away. She was just a year younger than you but her generally shy demeanor made her feel far younger. You’d gotten close over the months you worked together and could confidently say you’d become friends. The occasional head nod in the hallways and stray rides home were all that occurred outside the walls of Record Time and though your encounters rarely left your place of employment, you talked almost nonstop when at work. Whether it was about the newest album releases, or why she stared at Heather Holloway’s ass a little longer than necessary, you two wouldn't shut up.

You knew that once you stepped inside she’d give you an earful about being late so you gathered your senses and exited your car. As you pushed inside the shop, your ears were met with the low thrum of bass and cocked your eyebrow at Robin who sat disparagingly at the counter.

You huffed out a laugh. “The Beatles? Really?”

“Wow, how nice of you to show up,” She deadpanned.

“I’m fifteen minutes late, relax! And I’m guessing Heather was here?”

Robin’s eyes bugged out and she grumbled. “Would you keep your voice down please! And maybe I just like Oh! Darling, ever think of that?”

“Oh my god, no one is even in here!” You dropped your bag behind the counter before hopping on top of it and facing Robin. “And The Beatles are literally your ‘I’m in love and feel hopeless’ band so don’t try that with me.”

Robin stared you down defiantly but gave in when you shot her an unimpressed look. “Yeah, she was here.” She picked at her chipped black nails and sighed.

“I figured as much.”

Robin had finally admitted to you that she was a lesbian when you very bluntly asked her as much while you were closing up one night a few months ago. You’d seen her staring at a girl who had very curly brown hair and a wide smile and had been browsing the pop section for about ten minutes. When she’d finally come to the register and placed down a Madonna album, a red-faced Robin stuttered through almost the entire transaction.

When you asked her about it at the end of your shift, her eyes welled up with tears immediately and she begged you not to say anything. After a very long conversation, you’d gotten home almost an hour past your curfew and received a two-week grounding but when you dropped Robin off at her house and she gave you an awkward hug over your center console, you knew the punishment you got from your father was worth it. Since then, she’d stopped all the tepidness and became your favorite work buddy. A work buddy you loved to gossip with.

“Rob, I have had an interesting past few days.” You smiled tiredly at your coworker.

Robin looked up conspiratorially. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“So, there's this new kid and-” You were cut off by the jingle of the front door, annoyed at the interruption. You schooled your face into a customer-worthy smile and hopped down from the counter. “Welcome to Record Time, anything… speak of the devil.”

In front of you stood a gloomy-looking Billy and his sister who looked around the store eagerly. Seemingly spotting what she was searching for, Billy’s sister walked off, leaving the three of you alone.

“This the new kid?” Robin guessed from behind you.

Billy’s eyes flicked over to Robin and he shot her a flirty grin. “Billy Hargrove.”

Robin grimaced. “Pleasure.” You laughed when Billy’s smile dropped and Robin walked somewhere into the back to avoid the boy.

Billy raised his eyebrows in question and crossed his arms. “Talking about me?”

You matched his haughty attitude and stood, hip cocked out to one side. “Actually, I was before you so rudely interrupted.”

Billy looked ready to respond when a long-since familiar sound of a tape hitting the floor cut him off. Billy’s face immediately grew tight with anger and he balled up his fists. “Hey, shitbird, you’ve only got enough for one so you break it you buy it.”

“It’s no big deal, Hargrove.” You tried to cool the situation but his anger simply redirected itself to you.

“Stay the fuck out of this,” Billy took a threatening step towards his sister but you quickly walked around the counter and stood in his way. “Move.”

“How about we go outside, hm?” Your face was stony and your tone left no room for argument. “I need a smoke break anyway.”

Billy’s gaze shifted from where it was locked on the redhead down to you and finally, he looked away, the tension in the room easing slightly. “Fine.”

You called out to tell Robin you were taking ten while keeping yourself between Billy and his sister. You led him outside and pulled out your freshly purchased smokes. Billy eyed your choice of nicotine dubiously and you gave him a dirty look.

“No wonder you smell like that all the time,” He commented, his words fogging around him in the chilled November air.

“Like what?” You asked, a challenging lilt to your voice as you burned a cigarette.

You waited as Billy took a puff of one of his Reds and smirked at you, “Like Christmas.”

A pang of sadness hit your heart and memories of your childhood flashed in your head. You closed your eyes and smiled dejectedly, leaning your weight against the building. “My mom loved Christmas.”

You couldn’t tell if it was seconds or minutes that went by but when Billy finally spoke your hands felt like ice and your shoulder had gone stiff with the cold.

“I hate it here.”

“Me too.” You let yourself sink into a squat and looked up at where Billy was facing you and resting against the wall.

When he spoke again, his words lost the edge he so proudly paraded with, instead exchanging it for a tone inked with an unintentional sorrow. “California was perfect. This hick town can’t even compare.” Billy flicked his cigarette away and turned from you.

“Why’d you guys move?” You attempted to sound non-threatening as you let your fingers play with the fallen leaves on the ground. It wasn’t like you to push for details but something about Billy’s cold exterior was intriguing and, if you were being honest, a bit too close to home. You focused on where your fingers scraped against the hard concrete and not on how hollow you felt.

Billy’s voice was tight with hatred. “Neil wanted a fresh start with his brand new family.”

For a moment you stayed silent, contemplating your next words but decided it was worth it. “You should be nicer to her,” You suggested as you stood up.

“Who? Maxine?” he asked incredulously.

“If that’s your sister’s name then yes.” You saw him work his jaw and you tilted your head slightly.

Billy sneered, “She’s not my sister.”

You put your hands on your hips. “Don’t you think she might hate this too?” Your tone was a little patronizing but you couldn't help it. You knew selfish.

He shook his head, looking away. “It’s her fault we’re even here.”

Tutting, you kicked at his foot. “Is that really true, though?” Once again you heard the jingle of the entrance and looked as Maxine walked out of the store, already reaching into her plastic bag to retrieve her cassette. She stopped and glanced up at the two of you but quickly walked past and got into Billy’s car. “My house is still free Saturday.” You offered.

Billy’s tongue darted out and he licked his lips, eyes dark. “ Saturday,” He nodded.

~ ~ ~

The basketball game had been a disaster. The team had come out excited and ready to win but as the minutes ticked by the boys began to lose their coordination and were fumbling so badly that they were down twenty by the third quarter. Most of the team was angry by the end, shoving and baring their teeth at the loss. Billy took it the worst; he shouted and balled jerseys in his fists, nearly throwing Tommy H. to the floor when he made a snide comment.

You were quick to run up to Steve to comfort him after the team’s performance.

“Sorry about the game,” You smiled sympathetically.

Steve was rubbing the sweat out of his hair with a towel and shrugged. “It’s alright. I didn’t think we’d lose this bad but it’s whatever,” Steve took a swig of his water bottle and grabbed his bag. “We getting food?”

“Yeah, let me just talk to Billy for a sec,” You smiled wickedly at the horrified expression that comment earned you. You and Billy obviously weren’t close but you still wanted to try and comfort him about losing.

“Please do not talk to me about him. I’ll meet you at KFC.” He shoved you lightly and walked out the gym entrance.

Looking around, you tried to spot a head of dirty blonde curls but were left practically spinning in circles. You caught a glance of Tommy still packing his things and figured he would know.

“Tom!” You called out and the freckled boy looked up. “You seen Billy?”

Tommy’s face morphed into a scowl and he continued to pack up his belongings. “He left as soon as he was done bitching at all of us for losing.”

“Thanks anyway,” You shrugged, leaving to meet Steve.

It was annoying that he’d left without even acknowledging you but now it was nearing ten and you weren't even sure Billy was going to show at all. You stood on the cold tile of your kitchen floor and turned on the stove in preparation for your dinner. Since your hookup plans had fallen through, you decided a box of Kraft mac and cheese would have to be your company for the night. Huffing in boredom, you grabbed a stool from the island and dragged it over in front of the stove so you could quite literally watch water boil. You sat there and let your feet dangle and thump against the leg of the stool in rhythm while steam began to rise above the pot.

The house was uncommonly quiet with your father away; the TV was off and there was no yelling about everything you’d done wrong that day. Your father took weekly trips up to Chicago to get supplies for the auto shop as he was unwilling to pay the additional delivery fee. This meant that the weekend was the only time you had to yourself. You’d given your Saturday to Billy and he hadn’t even bothered to show up.

Finally, as you watched with glassy, unfocused eyes, the water began to boil and you ripped into the cardboard of the box, took out the cheese packet, and poured the uncooked pasta into the water. Just as you finished setting the timer, a knock at the door startled you. Glancing at the stove clock, you saw a flashing nine fifty-three and rolled your eyes. Billy would show up this late for a screw. You unlocked the deadbolt and pulled open the door to reveal an abused-looking Billy who refused to meet your eyes.

“What the fuck happened to you?” You blurted, unable to control your curiosity.

Billy huffed and pushed past you into the house. “You got a bathroom?”

You looked at him concerned but pointed to the first door down the hall and watched as he walked inside, the sound of the sink following after him. You hesitated to step forward before finally committing and following Billy into the bathroom. You stood, hip against the doorframe, and resolved yourself to not tiptoe around the situation.

“Who’d you piss off?” Billy was attempting to clean the gash on his cheek but hesitated at your question.

He took a second to glance at you in the mirror but quickly looked away and continued to dab at his face. “ You’re the one who told me to ask Steve where you lived.”

“Steve has never once won a fight and you look like you lost,” You pulled an unimpressed face and sighed. “It’s okay that you lost just-”

“Leave it alone,” He warned, eyes fiery, but you reached towards him anyway.

“Give me that.” You snatched the bloody washcloth out of his hand as he turned around to face you but, before he had the chance to move, you stepped forward and trapped him against the sink. Billy could’ve easily gotten out from where your hips held his against the ceramic counter but he let you hold him there.

Slowly, you ascended onto your toes and reached past his shoulder to open the mirror behind him. You reached farther and farther until your face was mere inches from Billy’s and when you chanced a look at his face, his eyes were already locked onto your own causing you to let out a harsh breath in surprise. When the air hit his neck, Billy shivered, goosebumps rising along his skin. You broke your gaze and grabbed the rubbing alcohol, leaning back on your heels and effectively granting Billy his personal space back.

“You better know what you’re doing,” He grumbled.

“Relax. I know how to clean a wound,” You reassured, pouring some of the liquid onto a clean portion of the cloth. You took part in a stare-down as Billy leaned away from you and you raised your eyebrows at him in expectation. A few seconds elapsed until Billy conceded, letting himself sag and you to raise your hand to his face. You took his jaw in your unoccupied hand and turned his head to better reveal the cut to you before pressing the alcohol-soaked towel flat onto his cheek, nearly cupping it. Billy hissed at the contact and you smiled softly. “Sorry.”

Billy was uncharacteristically quiet as you searched the rest of his face for more injuries, from which you noticed a bruise blooming around one of his eyes as well as his throat. You took a step back from him and threw the soiled cloth into the sink. You knew how to make quick work of cuts by now since that fateful night at Steve’s, and deftly applied butterfly bandages across his cheek to hold it together in an attempt to avoid scaring. Though it wouldn't diminish his attractiveness, you were sure he wouldn’t want a reminder of the fight. Finishing up with his face, you grabbed his hands from where they hung limp and ran your fingers over the unblemished skin of his knuckles. He didn’t fight back.

“Billy, what happened? Who did this to-” Once again he cut you off but this time it was with the rough plushness of his lips as he kissed you.

His arm found itself around your back, holding your waist softly against him as he pressed into you while his other hand simultaneously fisted into your hair and urged you closer, the contrast of his actions almost confused you. Most of the time he was unnecessarily rough and crass, never letting anyone close to him but just then in the bathroom, he let you cradle his face and patch his wounds with little complaint. Now he let you take charge within the kiss while still keeping you right where he wanted you. It seemed the only time he knew the rules of give and take was during moments like these. Billy’s thumb was caressing your cheek softly as he bit your lip, and you moaned into his mouth. The moment was broken though when you suddenly heard the sizzling of water spilling over onto the stove, sending you to hurry into the kitchen.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” You quickly moved the pot off the burner and turned down the flame. The pasta was essentially mush and water, now sitting in small puddles around your stove. You ran a ragged hand into your hair and groaned.

Billy had exited the bathroom and walked up behind you with a towel. “How about you leave this to soak up and we go to your room?”

You went to shoot him an annoyed look but when you caught sight of his flushed appearance,  you couldn’t help but smile. You haphazardly used the towel to soak up as much water as possible and quickly grab Billy’s hand to lead him upstairs.

The journey was short and you soon found yourself underneath Billy on your bed as he kissed you. He held himself above you with his forearms so your mouth was never too far from his own. As you kissed, your fingers scrambled down to your sweatpants and undid the knot at the top in order to slide them down. Once you had them down and off your body, you moved to the button and zipper of Billy’s jeans. As you pushed them over his ass, Billy trailed hot, open-mouthed kisses down your neck. His hand found its way under your shirt and began to tug it up to grant him better access to your chest.

Your hands shot up and grabbed his own to rip it away from your body. “No, leave my shirt on,” You ordered.

Billy looked confused, his eyebrows pulled together and mouth agape. “Why? I wanna see.”

You stared at him, helpless until you devised a challenge. “I'll tell you… if you tell me who beat your face in.”

Billy shook his head and went back down to kiss you. “No deal,” he murmured against your mouth. He pulled his own shirt over his head and finished kicking his jeans off so you were both staring back at each other, him clad in nothing but underwear and you in your shirt.

With both hands, Billy found the elastic of your underwear and shimmied them down your sides until they were off and discarded to the floor. You let your legs drop open as his fingers ran along your core and slowly dipped inside. The stretch was nothing, but the way he curled his fingers had your mouth dropping open in a silent moan. His thumb simultaneously circled your clit and he captured your mouth in a kiss, licking into it as he got you off with his fingers. Your pleasure climbed and you felt your nails dig into Billy’s back as his fingers kept a swift pace.

“Billy, please, ” You begged as you chased your orgasm.

Billy’s fingers slowed, much to your annoyance, and your eyes flew open. “You close?” He purred in your ear and you nodded hastily. “I want to hear your voice, baby.”

“Yes! Please, Billy, I need you!” You nearly sobbed when he finally began to move faster and urged you on with whispered praise into your ear.

You came with a loud, broken moan, shuddering as you came down. You realized your fingers had been coiled into Billy’s curls until you let go, causing him to wince at the release of pressure. You inhaled deeply but barely had time to catch your breath before you heard the crinkle of condom foil. Soon after,  Billy was plunging his cock into you and holding your hips with a bruising grip.

With each sharp thrust, you zoned out in bliss to the sound of his skin slapping against your own. Unable to do more than grip at your sheets, you arched into him to try and find your sweet spot that would have you seeing stars, whining when you couldn’t find it.

“You feel so good for me,” Billy vocalized through stuttered moans. He grabbed one of your legs and threw it over his shoulder to get a better angle and when he did, you gasped. He was now relentlessly thrusting into you in a way that had you cumming on his cock in seconds.

Billy though wasn’t done and tears pricked at your eyes in ecstasy. He uncontrollably pumped into you until he himself was cumming as well. He pulled you to him and took your mouth in a kiss, all teeth and urgency while he came down from his own high.

When he finally let you go, your chest heaved in air and sweat cooled on your body, making you shiver and pull up the blankets. Billy bent over at the end of your bed and took his cigarettes out of his back pocket.

He was about to put them away when you cleared your throat. “Lemme bum one?”

“This gonna be a theme?” He chuckled and threw you the box along with his lighter.

“It will as long as you keep giving them to me,” You smiled with one of his smokes hanging off your lips and lit it.

You watched lazily as he dressed, searching around your floor for his previously discarded clothes and putting them on with deft hands. He stood in your mirror and fixed his hair, curling some of the pieces around his finger until they were back to their original ringlet shape.

“You want to be a little more gentle next time?” He gestured to his wild hair but you only laughed wickedly.

“You want to be a little more gentle next time?” You parroted back at him and he rolled his eyes, sighing at you. He stood awkwardly, fully clothed and watching you, which left you to break the silence. “I’ll walk you out.”

Billy nodded and you twisted yourself off the bed to stand on unsure legs, slowly walking over to him. He let you lead him downstairs and to the front door, stopping in front of it so that your eyes could once again scan over his injuries. You worried your lip between your teeth but decided to leave it alone for the night.

You opened the door and gestured outside with an open hand. “Well, it’s been lovely, California but I think this is where we say goodnight.” You smiled and he returned it before walking out. You locked the door behind him.

With a sigh, you looked at the evidence of your failed dinner scattered across the floor and remembered the bloody mess in your bathroom. What the fuck happened tonight?

[violetlilysunshine]

Plenty of Times

Boyfriend Chris Evans x Female Reader

Requested - Anon: Hey! Is it all right to request for Chris Evans where reader comes in after a girls night and just dotes on him and loves on him and its sickeningly fluffy and he’s like what’s gotten into you? and reader breaks down because one of her friends vented that her husband is abusive and neglectful and she sees how important it is to have a good man in her life 🤍

WC: 1,619

Warnings: Pet names [bubba, babe, honey], talk of a bad relationship [neglectful husband - but not about Chris/reader], mention of phone sex [but it doesn’t happen here]

A/N: I’m so so so so sorry this took so long, I’m working on clearing out my inbox though! 

IF YOUR NAME IS SCRATCHED OUT I CAN’T TAG YOU - I’VE STARTED REMOVING PEOPLE, SO IF IT’S NOT WORKING AND YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED SHOOT ME A MESSAGE AND WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT

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You haven't gone out with your friends in so long. You’re all busy with your own stuff - work and relationships, some with kids to care for. So, when the opportunity arises, Chris encourages you to take advantage of it. 

The night was pretty simple, dinner, a couple of glasses of wine, and a few shared desserts before everyone was ready to head home. Most of your friends were not night owls like you by any standard, so when dinner wrapped up early, it was no surprise. At least that meant you got to go home to your man. 

“Bubba?” you called as you walked through the front door.

“In here,” he answered.

You followed his voice to the living room, finding him lounging on the chaise sofa, Dodger soundly asleep next to him. Some movie played on the screen; you hadn’t paid attention to it long enough to know what it was.

You headed to the connected kitchen, dropping your keys and purse on the island, hanging your jacket on the back of one of the barstools, and slipping out of your boots before hurrying back to Chris. 

He paused the movie when he heard you approach him from behind. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, your hands splayed across his chest, as you pressed a long kiss to his temple. 

He hummed at the contact, placing one hand over the top of both of yours, before turning his neck to meet your lips with his. 

The kiss was sweet and simple, you could feel him smile against your lips as you lingered longer and longer into it. 

He chuckled when you finally pulled away, a big smile etched across his face and a glimmer in his eyes. 

You unraveled from his neck and stepped around the sofa. Dodger finally perked up when he heard you walking and you greeted him of course. 

“Hey, bub,” you whispered, scratching Dodger’s head for a second before turning to Chris, “can we cuddle?” you asked quietly. 

“Sure, babe, we can always cuddle,” he answered with a small smile, opening the blanket for you. 

You slipped under, resting between his legs with your back on his chest. He wrapped the blanket and his arms around you, splaying his palms over your upper chest and rubbing gently, just as you had done to him. You ran your nails over his arm as light as a feather with one hand, the other rested on top of his clasped hands, tangling your fingers with one set of his as best you could in this position. 

You tugged on his hand, pulling his arm further over your shoulder so you could place kisses on his bicep. 

“How was girl’s night?” he asked, placing a light kiss to the top of your head.

“Fine,” you whispered, squeezing his hands for a second, “was nice to see everyone. They all seemed to need a good vent,” you ended with a breathy chuckle.

You felt his laugh rumble through your body, “don’t they always?” he asked, another kiss being placed on top of your head as he looped his legs around yours.

“Seems like,” you giggled, stroking his calf with your foot. 

“Well I hope it was nice either way,” he said, “I’m glad you got to see them.” 

“Mm, yeah, me too,” you answered quietly.

He slipped one hand from your grasp to grab the remote, causing a whine to leave your lips, disappearing into his skin as you had your lips placed on his bicep again. 

He chuckled at the noise, “want me to start it over?” he nodded, making reference to the movie.

“No, it’s okay,” you whisper, pressing another lingering kiss to his arm. 

“You sure? I’m not that far into it...” 

“I’m sure, I won’t really be paying attention anyway.” 

“Why’s that?” he asked, you could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Can’t focus with you wrapped around me,” you giggled.

“Mm, yeah, sorry not sorry,” he laughed, playing the movie again.

You giggled, bringing his hand up to your lips to give it a kiss.

He gave his other hand back to you and you entwined your fingers with it as well, giving both of his hands small squeezes every once in a while. 

You placed random kisses on his arms, pulling his hands up every now and again to press kisses to them as well. You didn’t want to do it too often, so you wouldn’t annoy him, but you couldn’t help but give him a few. 

You tilted your head to look up at him, his eyes focused on the movie before he looked down at you. 

“What’s up?” he asked, his voice sounding a little tired. 

“Nothing,” you whispered, passing him a small smile. 

“You’re lying,” he said, placing a kiss on your forehead, “what’s on your mind?” 

You sighed deeply, “have I told you how much I love you?” 

He reached over and paused the movie, quickly tangling his hand with yours again: “all the time,” he smiled. 

“And how great you are?” 

“Plenty of times,” he chuckled. 

“And how thankful I am for you?” 

“More than once,” he answered, a sense of questioning coming into his voice. 

“And how kind and good you are to me?”

“Never in those words, but you deserve it more than anything,” he said, “where’s this coming from?” 

“Jenn was really upset tonight,” you started. 

“And that has to do with me, how?” 

“She was talking about how rough her marriage is. And I know everyone says the first year is the hardest, but he doesn’t prioritize her, and never really has, and if I’m being honest I always thought she could do better; and she feels so disconnected from him and he’s so distant and she’s just not happy,” you rambled, tears pricking at your eyes, “and of course the whole time she was talking I felt so bad for her, but I couldn’t help thinking that I’m so lucky to have a guy like you and that made me feel even worse. Ya know? Like guilty because I was sitting there thinking ‘well at least I’m not in her shoes,’ and, god, you’re so good to me and I appreciate and love you so much. Don’t feel like I tell you that enough, but, you’re the best,” you finished, taking a deep breath. 

“Honey,” Chris soothed, “you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, first off. It’s not your fault he treats her like crap, and all you can do is support her with whatever she chooses to do about it. She can leave, or they could go to therapy, or she might just ignore it all together, but the only thing you can and should do is listen to her vent and offer support, or sometimes advice if she asks for it.”

You smile, “I know, but it’s just a shitty situation. Like I wish she wasn’t going through it, because she’s great, and I wish he was as good to her as you are to me.” 

“Well no one’s as good as me,” Chris joked, trying to lift your spirits.

You laughed lightly in response, turning over a little bit and scooting up so you could lay face to face with him. 

“Second,” he continued, “I’m only giving you what you deserve. Wish I could do a lot more sometimes, if I’m honest,” he said almost under his breath as he wrapped his arms around your back.

“Chris, you do more than enough! I should be doing more for you!” 

“Babe, you give me everything I could ever want,” he smiles, “you’re amazing. Wish I could do more, like I wish I wasn’t away from you so much. Don’t like leaving you, ever.”

“You’re the best,” you lean forward, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth, “you do plenty for me even when you’re away.”

“Not nearly enough,” he says, “gotta come up with something new for us.” 

“We’ve done plenty of new things while you’re away.” 

“Yeah? You think?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Hey, without you, I never would’ve tried phone sex,” you giggle, “love trying new things as long as it’s with you. Especially that thing...” 

He lets out a breathy laugh at that, “I love you too,” he says, referring back to your ramble but also your willingness to try anything for and with him.

You giggle, this time pecking his lips, “I don’t deserve you,” you whisper against his mouth. 

“No, you don’t,” he says shortly. 

You pull away from him, not expecting that to come out of his mouth. 

“You deserve better,” he smiles, a glimmer in his eye again.

“You’re so corny!” you laugh loudly, causing Dodger to grumble next to Chris. 

“Sorry, bub,” you laugh at Dodge.

“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” Chris suggests.

“What about the movie?” you ask, tipping your head towards the TV.

“Eh, won’t be able to pay attention now anyway, and I’ve lost the flow,” he shrugs. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” you whisper, stroking a few fingers across his cheekbone. 

“‘S alright,” he whispers, “like you better anyway.” 

“Thank you,” you whisper, eyelids heavy as they start to flutter closed for a kiss. 

Chris closes the distance between the two of you, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, “I love you,” he whispers into your mouth. 

“I love you too,” you whisper back.

Your lips seal in a gentle kiss, and he brings a hand up to rest on your cheek before pulling back: “you can always make it up to me anyway,” he says, a smile giving away his attempt at being serious.

You laugh at him, “alright, bubba, let’s get you to bed.”

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