#the dentist makes me extremely fucking anxious

[imogenkol]

ha ha this is fine

[fikefries]

wisdom; matt sturniolo

summary: you had to get your wisdom teeth out, but with your extreme phobia of needles, it wasnt going to be easy. luckily your boyfriend matt and his brothers stick by your side the entire time.

warnings: needles, mentions of rapid breathing, dentists, anaesthesia

the day had come. the day you had been dreading for weeks.

you had to get your wisdom teeth out.

normally, you werent such a wuss, you handled pain and hospitals well.

but needles.

you couldnt stand the sight of needles. their pricky ends and shiny surface making you feel lightheaded at the sight of them.

thats what make you so nervous for today, the part where they had to stab your arm with a huge ass needle to get the IV in.

you were on the way to the dentists office, your boyfriend matt sitting in the drivers seat, your best friend chris in the passenger seat, while you and your bff nick sat together in the back.

all three of them knew of your phobia of needles, so they were trying their best to calm you down before you got there.

"no chris you dont understand, how can i 'chill out' knowing a huge fucking metal pointy thing is going to be stabbed directly into my goddamn bloodflow, have you seen the length of those fuckin needles?" i say to chris frustratedly as he tried to explain to me that it was no big deal.

chris sighed in defeat as he gave up on trying to reason with you.

my nerves were increasing by the second as we got closer and closer to the dentists office.

matt noticed your anxious state and pulled over at the last stop sign before you reached the dentists office. he turned around leaned back to face you, cupping your cheek with his hand, softly caressing your face in an attempt to comfort you and calm you down.

"listen baby, i know you're nervous- i know that alright? but you need to stay calm for me. ill be there with you the entire time okay? theres no need to worry or be scared, nothings going to happen to you. you have us by your side."

you felt nick rub a soothing hand over your back as chris added

"yeah y/n, dont worry if the needle hurts you ill beat it up" making punching motions with his fist.

you couldnt help but giggle at chris's attempt to lighten the mood.

"alright baby you ready to go in?" matt asked softly holding your hand tightly.

"ready" you sighed, knowing there was no getting out of this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the lights in the dentists office were blindingly bright white, forcing you to squint your eyes while you walked in. as you entered, you noticed all the dentist equipment sitting on the spotless metal counters, wires of different colours spread out all over the floor, connected to the dental bed.

the dentist was explaining the procedure to you, matt, nick and chris. but his words became more and more muffled in your brain as you look around the room. finally laying eyes on the needles.

matt sensed your change in demeanour as he noticed your breathing became increasingly rapid. he came up behind you, softly hugging your waist and moving you to the spot he was originally, blocking your eyes from the view of the needles. then wrapping an arm around you and tracing soft patterns on your shoulder while glancing at your face every few seconds to make sure you're not panicking, as you both continued to listen to the dentists explanation.

after the briefing about the procedure, it was time for it to actually happen. matt helped you up onto the dental bed, placing his hand on the back of your head to make sure you dont hit it as you lay back.

chris stood to the right of the bed, rubbing soothing circles on your shoulder

"you're gonna kill it y/n" he said supportingly

"yeah unless it kills me" you snorted, joking, making the boys giggle before returning to comforting you with small rubs and words of support whilst the dentist set up his equipment.

chris and nick left the room for a bit, wanting to give both you and the dentist space, as they knew it wouldnt be easy for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it was time. time for the part you were dreading most. you stared at the long silver blade as the dentist filled it with the medicine that needed to be injected into you through the IV, matt standing beside the bed.

"hey- hey y/n, dont look at that, look at me okay." he said as he slowly moved your head towards him, trying to distract you from the needle.

"just look at me okay, youre doing so good baby im so proud of you."

you stared into matts big blue eyes as he gave you soft affirmations, how did you get so lucky?

matt saw the doctor getting ready to insert the needle into your skin, so he pulled your hoodie down to cover your eyes, and cradled your face into his tshirt, running his fingers through your hair, trying to distract you from what was about to come.

"you're doing so good for me baby, the worst parts almost over"

when you felt the cold metal pierce your skin, you leaned further into matt, trying not to embarrass yourself by whimpering or making any embarrassing sounds. as the needle was being pushed deeper in, you squeezed your eyes shut tightly.

"matttt" you groaned, on the verge of tears, muffled by his tshirt.

"i know baby, i know- youre almost done, you did amazing." he reassured you, holding your head into his shirt and smoothing down your hair while he watched you squirm in his embrace, his heart breaking at the sight.

once the IV was fully in, matt slowly loosened his grip on you, pulling you out of his embrace as you leaned back onto the bed, just then you heard the door open revealing chris and nick walking back in.

"you did it y/n!" chris exclaimed, placing a hand on your head

"we're so proud of you" nick added, patting his hand on your leg as reassurance

"that fuckin sucked" you slurred, the anaesthesia kicking in.

"ooh y/n's getting drowsy now, thats the anaesthesia kicking in" nick said

"how do you feel baby" matt asked rubbing your shoulder

"all i can feel is this fucking dumb bitchass needle in my goddamn arm" you replied, words slurring, making the boys break out into laughter at your choice of wording.

"well now the worsts part over baby, you faced your fear so well."

"hmmmm" you hummed in reply, feeling too drowsy to think

through your blurred vision you looked up at the 3 boys

"you guys look the same" you said

"matt.i love you so fuckin much" you added immediately without giving them time to reply

"and chris and nick i love you guys too"

the boys giggled at your sudden affection

"we love you too y/n" nick giggled

'you're so pretty matty" you admired, reaching your hand out to matt's face, making chris and nick giggle.

"you're the prettiest girl in the world baby, and i love you so much, but right now you gotta keep your hands down okay? if you keep your hands still we can get out of here faster and go get ice cream okay" matt retorted

"can we play ayesha erotica on the way home?" you asked innocently, looking up at matt with pleading eyes.

"yes y/n we can play ayesha erotica"

"i wanna go the fuck home" you said, before falling into a deep sleep due to the anaesthesia.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

outside the room

y/n was undergoing the procedure of getting her teeth taken out now, which means the boys had to leave the room.

"matt how do you feel" chris asked, throwing a shoulder around his brother, recording him on his iphone.

"im so proud of her, i know she was scared and i know she'd beeen feeling pain so its a relief that she was able to pull through and face her fears. i knew she could do it shes my girl." matt said to the phone

"thats adorable" nick giggled, before the doctor called them to come back in.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you were now fully awake, 4 teeth less than before, with gauze in your mouth and a frown on your face

"hi baby, you such an amazing job. im so fucking proud of you right now." matt said as he placed a soft kiss on your forehead, unable to wipe the smile off his face as he admired how cute you looked, mouth swollen, and filled with gauze that made your cheeks puffy, and an adorable frown on your forehead.

"youre crazy y/n, you made that look so easy" nick said rubbing your head.

"can we go home now please" you said grumpily, anaesthesia still now worn off.

"i want this fucking shit out of my body" you said referring to the IV in your arm, as you tried to yank it out.

"WOAH NO- NO Y/N YOU CANT PULL IT OUT" matt exclaimed worriedly.

"baby you need that in you, it helps you not feel the pain in your mouth."

"matt whats this" you asked sticking your tongue out

"thats your tongue baby"

"i cant feel it, or my lips, where are my lips?"

"theyre right here" matt replied as he gently pressed a finger to your lips, giving you the perfect oppurtunity to place a soft kiss on the pad of his finger, making him giggle,

"i want chipotle" you stated bluntly

"no- no chipotle, she cant have any hard foods that may get stuck in her mouth for atleast two weeks, stick to ice creams, soups and mashed potatoes." the dentist told matt, knowing you wouldnt be able to remember this information.

"heard that baby? ice cream and mashed potatoes- doesnt that sound great?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you got to leave the dentist in a wheelchair, which was pretty great.

once you got home, matt ordered you chicken noodle soup and fed it to you while you guys watched spongebob, then he cleaned and replaced your gauze, then helped you get changed and into bed, holding you tightly as you both drifted off into sleep.

you could not have asked for a better boyfriend than matthew sturniolo, you really hit the jackpot.

[fentrashcat]

Tourettes Awareness Month, May 26th!

Kinda lost track of the days so just gonna stop counting them and just do the date instead 😅

Today I'm going to go over some of my pet peeves/frustrations that are related to my tics/TS, or people reacting to it. Some of these I've mentioned before but I'll try to include new ones as well, don't mind my bitter old man persona coming out lol.

⚠️Everyone who has TS or tic disorders will have different experiences, this is just mine

Dentists!

So I have had a lot of bad experiences with dentists, even before my tics were severe enough to be diagnosed and now its even worse. Bc I'm anxious for the dentist, my tics can actually get really bad in the days leading up to it and the day of. I'm also prone to shut downs with dental stuff, so it's almost a double whammy. Luckily my most recent experiences with dentists have been really positive, and they've been extremely patient with me. However when I get a bad dentist the experience pretty much back tracks all the progress I had been making with the good ones.

It can just be really hard to manage my tics during an appointment, and I'm more prone to tic attacks in the days leading up to said appointment, even if I know who I'm seeing is good. This is starting to pass now tho and I actually went back with the dentist on my own for the first time since I was 7 or so last month.

Sleep interrupting!

Being too tired to sleep is a pretty common occurrence for me, unfortunately. When I'm sleep deprived I get more tics than usual, especially in my legs. Usually my legs don't tic bc I sit in ways that make it difficult (criss cross, one leg under the other, on my knees, ect), but when I'm laying down to sleep, it's much harder to find a position that stops leg tics. If I can't stop them, I end up kicking myself over and over, usually right as I'm about to fall asleep so I kick and I'm wide awake again. Some nights it only happens for like 10min and then I can sleep, but other nights it'll be HOURS. On the longer nights I'll try to sleep with my legs crossed or sitting up criss cross, but that's really hard to do sometimes. Most of the times on those nights I just give up on sleeping all together. The days after I don't sleep, I'm more twitchy and prone to attacks, then I either am allowed to sleep that night or just pass out from exhaustion after an attack.

Pre-tic premonition!

Sometimes I'll know I'm about to tic, and I can see I'm going to hurt myself or I know I'm going to throw something and there is literally nothing I can do, I'm just stuck knowing until the tic hits unless I suppress it, which doesn't always works, usually causes recoil, and can HURT.

Thunder!

So I used to love thunderstorms, and find peace in them, but as my tics got more severe, my relationship with thunder changed. Rolling thunder is okay but booming thunder makes me tic like crazy, as in when it's frequent enough I will tic myself dizzy or give myself a migraine. I of course live in a thunderstorm heavy area 😅

BTW if you're into mediocre poetry and have a spare dollar or a Kindle unlimited account, I actually wrote about this in my book I Want To Love the Thunder under the name Fen Lotor only on Amazon

People!

I was going to get into this a lot but honestly the stories kinda deserve their own post, mainly bc it'd be long and people may want to skip it bc the stories could be triggering so I'll generalize here-

1. People making me tic on purpose (luckily a rare occurrence but a really fucking shitty one)

2. People staring (yes its strange, and I understand glancing at me but sometimes people just stare until my tics stop but if I know someone is staring I tic more from the anxiety)

3. Stereotypes (a given)

4. Asking me questions while I'm actively having a tic attack (99% of the time I'm super open about questions but people sometimes don't ask until I'm having a severe attack even if they've seen minor tics or know I'm tourettic)

5. Balloon decor (maybe I'm biased bc I haven't been somewhere w balloon decor since prom but it seems anytime balloons are used as decor there is at least one person intent on popping them)

6. Immediately panicking when I start ticcing (it's less frequent now w people who know me but as soon as people know my tics CAN be caused by something negative they seem to think they are ALWAYS caused that way, no matter what I say so they start panicking and asking what's wrong and won't take "nothing is wrong" as an answer which stresses me out and makes me tic more)

7. 4th of July (this makes me sound like a scrooge and a hypocrite bc I like fireworks. I also don't mind headphoning up and blocking it out for a bit, but for some reason people around me celebrate from 6pm to 3am, July 1st-July 7th, and it's not even dark until 8pm or later)

Okay ended up ranting a bit lol. Thank you for reading, and as always my asks are open if anyone is curious or has questions I'll answer the best I can 😊

Also adding my cooking with Tourette's tag if anyone is curious. I almost included some info on cooking here but it doesn't really bother me enough to be a pet peeve

[clownwoman]

Anytime I have to get a medical procedure or go to the doctor, the dentist- anything of that nature- it really reminds me why I hate going to the hospital or having to get anything done. I really don’t give a fuck what anyone says, I don’t careeeeeee if it’s what you’re supposed to do, it gives me so much anxiety. the aftercare, the process, I hate going to the doctor, I hate all of that shit. I am sitting here crying because I am so scared of accidentally making this worse and yes, it is also because I’m very afraid of getting sick or getting infections because I get sick extremely easily and I have a hard time recovering from things but god!!!! this shit is pure misery and I know, I know, it’ll heal, but I am literally so anxious over this, I am handling it so poorly

[strayhounds]

my skin feels so itchy, like it does when you get new stretch marks, but there’s nothing there. my core feels the aching of being horribly anxious when i’m not. my ‘paws’, all four of them, feel tingly and sharper than usual. my teeth ache horribly despite the fact i just went to the dentist and they said everything was fine, every cavity gone. i don’t know what’s happening to me. i feel so alone in this because no one else can see what i feel. i don’t even believe what i feel. i don’t even know if i’m a werewolf.

i am a psychological therian/otherkind creature. i don’t believe i had past or future lives. it makes it extremely hard to explain my normal kintypes. but the new one that just sprouted? where i’m feeling the aches and pains of a transforming creature even though i know that’s not possible, but there’s no human explanation? so.. what if i’m a werewolf in this life?

i know i can’t transform physically. i don’t believe i can. i’m not a clinical lycanthrope or a p-shifter. but oh my god does it feel like my body is fucking trying to and it hurts. physically, yes, but mostly mentally. i want to be a canine so bad and i can’t.

in my ideal form, my actual form, i don’t see myself being human in the slightest. so not a werewolf, a full-on animal. but right now, in this body, i am obviously somewhat human. so.. what if i am actually a werewolf right now? right at this moment? mentally, personally, truly? it would make me feel.. so much more comfortable in my identity currently. even though it’s not true, even though i am entirely, only human physically, at least i could feel somewhat canine right here, right now.

i can pretend that when i sleep and wake up exhausted because i stayed up too late that i actually transformed and did wolfdog shit despite the fact i know that isn’t possible. i will always know it isn’t possible. but it can be freeing anyway. like a stranger you met on the street and fell in love with and never saw again but thought about every night since then. like a little fucked up daydream.

[ticklebillcipherrn]

A Commanders' Weakness

Wow! My first fic! I'm sorry @trashyswitch , I'm obsessed with Lee!Commander right now. I can't believe there's no art or something!

Summery: Commander got captured by the Tankmen. One thing he knows, that he is going to have a really bad time. One thing he doesn't know, however, is how they even found out his secret.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did this happen? He felt like he got dragged out of bed...but he didn't remember what happened that night. All he really knew right now, was that he was tied to a very odd chair. Instead of the usual metal chains bound to the armrests, they were bounding his arms to the side of him, raising a little above his head. Not only that, but his chair went a little down, like a dentist chair or something. Commander never knew why, but every time he got captured, he got extremely anxious. Maybe he was scared of what was to come? Nah, he took it like a man. Right then, a door opened, and tankmen came spilling out, Captain at the front.

" Well well well, look who's here " The Captain smirked, staring at the helpless Commander.

“ Let me go ya crazy bastards! “ Commander demanded. Why did he say that? These are the Tankmen for fucks sake! His eyes glared, but the Captain detected a sign of fear in them.

" Scared, are we? And you just called me a bastard! The disrespect! " The Captains' smile only grew bigger. This is where the plan started- he was going to torture this guy. " Lets get started, shall we? "

" Start what- " Oh if he had started at any other spot. His arms, his hands, his belly, any other spot then the underarms, then he wouldn't have broke so easily. But he did, now he was squirming like crazy in the chair, snorting, blushing, and in front of the other tankmen too! This was truly the most embarrassing moment of his life.

" NOHOHOHOHOH S-STOP snort PLEHEHEHEHAHAHAH!! " This really had only started, and it would get worse from here...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow! I feel like I did good? Sorry this is so short! I'm pretty braindead right now- I was thinking about making this for a few days, and I couldn't think of an ending 😅 Hope you enjoyed! Bye my little fox cubs! 💖

[singlecrochet]

wayyy tmi but I haven’t been to the dentist in well over a year (parents stopped being able to legally compel me as a minor and no fucking way would I make myself) and I was just thinking I should look into scheduling an appointment to make sure I don’t have cavities or whatever because Ive spent a lot of time recently fixated on being extremely anxious about that for no particular reason but I’m literally crying just thinking about going. this is great!

[quirkyplutonian]

When there's not really any autistic characters in a piece of media, I'm most likley to identify with the anxious ones, or the awkward ones, or the ones that just done match the other characters.

Here's a list of characters I related to as a little kid, that I can remember:

All five backyardigans

Arthur, from Arthur (Did you know there was an autistic character in this show? I never got to see any of those episodes on PBS)

Candace, from Phinneas and Ferb

Dora the Explorer

Charlie Brown

Arnold, from the Magic School Bus (fun fact: it took me 5 minutes to be able to write this one, and that's an improvement. Thanks, 5 or so years of therapy!)

Dan Kuso, from Bakugan

Of these characters, two (Dan and Dora) I only identify with due to hair color. That's it. The backyardigans I. I don't know, man, I just vide with them. The rest? Emotion. I was a very worrying kid, largely due to sensory and other autistic issues completely unbeknownst to me at the time.

But those other four characters all had, as far as my memory goes, a miserable or frustrating time. Discredited and ignored anxieties. Random rudeness between them or other characters. Heavy doses of pessimism. Anger. Hopelessness. Some of them was consistently used as bait. Some of them being made out to be lying about something that was actually true. All of them often the butt of the joke. All of them were constantly on the side of bad luck. None of them could get out of it. Two of them (or three? I don't remeber Arthur well...) had episodes where things were done to them or their bodies unwillingly or without their knowledge. One of them tecnically made a suicide attempt. And to most the people I've scrolled past of the internet, they're joke characters.

Some of them are also characters that, as I've found from rumors and comments on ancient reddit threads, have the most fucked up shit written or drawn of them. 10th grade me didn't need to know that, I was just hoping to look back at everything from my past and get over some fears, make some ammends.

And what was I most of my childhood and teen years? Constantly thinking everyone hated my guts or thought I was too weird to be friends with. Not even trying to heal or move on because life felt like an endless little story I could never escape or change from. Constantly paranoid about people tricking me, mocking me, or other things. Doubtful of any good, telling myself not to smile because those days meant bad things would happen. I had a birthday wish to be taken off the planet, even if I 'had to die to do it'. I didn't develop social skills, because I thought it was pointless. I slowly became more and more afraid of everything, from chatting to the dentist to presentations and answering questions in class. I was extremely smart and I called myself stupid. I isolated without anyone even needing to bully me. I had my share of stating my reasons and truths to be met only with "NO EXCUSES", arguments, and lost recess, so I stopped giving any reasons and became a people pleaser who was terrified of bugging anyone or getting help.

I was the characters I'd seen on tv. The ones that I related to. And so I was a pessimist social hermit that did nothing and was scared of their own shadow. Intrusive thoughts so bad I'd sense cartoon characters in a room with me and the slightest sensory issue with my tongue would freak me out for the whole day.

I'm glad for nowadays, with characters like Julia (sesame street), and the new new one Carl the Collector (and a few others, I just can't remember them rn). I just wish I'd had some positive characters back when I needed them.

I wonder if that would have prevented me from becoming a college sophomore just starting to know what a generally happy and intrusive-thought-less mind is like. Maybe I wouldn't feel as behind as I do in this timeline.

I think that's the one important thing about any sort of representative characters.

Don't get so lost in relatability that you have to go back out years later to find yourself again.

Oh, don't mind me, just thinking about how me, my autistic ass, grew up with mostly negative identifiable characters

[galariangengar]

💭

[manicdragondreamgirl]

I haven’t had chemistry since like 2008, and I’m also an idiot who likes to make my friends upset, so I rated the periodic table in order to tilt my friends:

Hydrogen - this is like your childhood friend who has always been with you more or less and always will be down to get a drink and chill even tho you haven’t spoken in years. Solid bro imo 7.5/10

Helium - always down for a good time, even if probably created Alvin and the Chipmunks which in some places is considered a war crime. 4/10

Lithium - Gives me bitchy vibes and is flammable as fuck if I remember. Skinny bitch with an attitude 3/10

Beryllium - idk this sounds like a sailor moon villain lol for that it can have a 6/10

Boron - more like BORONG amirite ha ha wait no seriously I have no idea lol 5/10 clean neutral rating

Carbon - *screaming* 2/10 I will not be taking questions

Nitrogen - cool cool cool tight tight tight 9/10 Nitrogen just is the cool hot chick you wish you were

Oxygen - kid who takes up all the glory for the group project even tho you did all the work, 4/10 for natural charisma

Fluorine - lol what are you knockoff chlorine lmfao bitch 3/10 reminds me of the dentist

Neon - I can vibe with this boy for his contributions to signs which cause my eyes to scream 8/10 modernized Art Deco thanks you

Sodium - 10/10 this is me and I won’t be taking questions next element

Magnesium - magnesium is a close relative of magnificent and therefore I think the case is closed folks 9/10

Aluminum - 10/10 for providing a home to my Diet Coke addiction I’d be dead without you

Silicon - 6.9/10 :smirk:

Phosphorous - This has a very soundly name and it’s welcome to do that but idk, not a fan, seems like he’d be smelly, 2/10

Sulfur - 1/10 pretty sure that dog farts are purely comprised of this and as such if I was leaving negative ratings I would

Chlorine - 7.8/10 for being in pools so we could swim without brain eating amoeba in the south you a champ

Argon - he seems like a nerd jk this guy has a good color 9/10 for just being himself

Potassium - I hate bananas and this word gives me the physical sensation of biting into one but only by thinking of abstract letters and making them into something which we can nutrientise from bananas and to me that shit is bananas, b a n a n a s — 3/10 for making me sing hollaback girl thru adhd word association

Calcium - hm my brain went to mega milk so you get a 2/10 today bud I don’t make the rules

Scandium - pretty sure this is fake lol what’s next faxdium, e-Mailite and copinium? 5/10

Titanium - this song’s a banger and also is the only thing that lets me wear earrings 10/10

Vanadium - if your erection lasts for longer than like idk it’s supposed to then don’t take vanadium wait what do you mean it’s not an ED treatment 4/10

Chromium - decent bloke shame the browser eats all your memory 5/10

Manganese - if a weeb tries to tell me how to pronounce mayonnaise one more time... 1/10

Iron - excellent tool against the fey, in your blood, what a bro, 10/10 this bitch slaps

Cobalt - has a powerful energy; I respect him. 8/10

Nickel - if I had a nickel for every time someone made this joke lol 5/10 he’s doing his best

Copper - taste bad 3/10

Zinc - isn’t that the dude in the green tunic and white tights who saves premcess Lelda or something lol 7/10 those games are good

Gallium - seems like a prick 4/10

Germanium - sounds like a child pronouncing geraniums which are superior 3/10

Arsenic - bad vibes coach 1/10

Selenium - isn’t this just sailor moon lol 10/10 love this bitch

Bromine - farmine wherever you aremine - 9/10 I love a good bro

Krypton - he’s okay I guess 5/10

Rubidium - yet another Steven universe villain who will be redeemed I imagine 4/10 seems a bit dull

Strontium - I feel nothing when I see this lad’s name and that seems like a shame 1/10 I don’t like it

Yttrium - this is an atrium in Yharnam, or something 8/10 would love to sit in one and make contact with higher beings

Zirconium - oh wait THIS is the sailor moon villain from the dead moon circus! 9/10 I enjoyed that arc

Niobium - seems sassy, I like that in an element 7/10

Molybdenum - I hate this one, rancid. 1/10 for making me have flashbacks to difficult Ancient Greek vocabulary there is no fucking way that sound combination is anything but Beta and Delta borking and then Latin being like oh imma steal that

Technetium - 6/10 decent name but seems a bit forced

Ruthenium - 5/10 kindly old lady element I guess lol

Rhodium - 10/10 this ain’t my first rhodium babee this lad has good vibes what a name what a king

Palladium - 10/10 for making me think of paladins

Silver - 12/10 I’m breaking the rules for this silver is the best it is so cool and also it is the other best tool for dealing with supernatural creatures when iron has failed you highly suggest Even if I am extremely allergic to it going into my ears...wait hold on

Cadmium - 2/10 sounds like a total douche

Indium - 8/10, i just think it’s independent and neat

Tin - 10/10 good ear sounds when involving rain and roof shapes and automatically reminds me of Nora Jones’s come away with me album which is also 10/10

Antimony - 7/10 decent protagonist good name all around seems rad

Tellurium - tell ur mom what? That’s so early 2010s league of legends humor bro 2.5/10

Iodine - strikes fear in my soul from having it poured on my wounds but this is why I have more pain tolerance than god 5.3/10

Xenon - I think this is a declension of Xena warrior princess which is a win in my eyes, 8/10

Caesium - kind of has a cunty Latin name, 4.5/10

Barium - yeah boss, bury’im! 7.5/10 I love a good mobster gag

Lanthanum - A bit pretentious on the Tolkien spectrum sorry bud 3/10 sounds like you’d be the dickwad elf everyone hates

Cerium - 6.5/10 I like this one, gives me a clean vibe

Praseodymium - the fuck who sneezed all their alphabet soup onto the paperwork and called it an element Christ we can’t keep doing this 1.5/10

Neodymium - oh my god what did I just say 1/10

Promethium - thank Christ we’re back to greek 9/10 Prometheus was a Chad I could get behind

Samarium - 5/10 gives me boring wizard vibes

Europium - 4.5/10 don’t rename opium chrissake can’t take these nerds anywhere

Gadolinium - 5/10 it’s a starship knockoff but it’s trying to be bold with the G sound

Terbium - 2/10 I don’t vibe with this one

Dysprosium - sounds like an antidepressant that has a lot of shitty side effects 3/10

Holmium - sounds like someone anxious asking their beloved to hold them 8/10 I like hurt/comfort fics

Erbium - you can’t just describe something as herby you daft bastard 2/10

Thulium - sounds like a spell I like it 8.5/10

Ytterbium - macguffin in a shite sci-fi show that gets highly overrated because BBC produced it and superwholock stans emerge and go utterly feral 1/10

Lutetium - bards are an element I agree 10/10

Hafnium - sounds like a river (my dog) sound and has a cute vibe, I’d offer it head pats 7/10

Tantalum - noooo you can’t be sad yuor so sexe haha 6.9/10 tantalizing

Tungsten - 10/10 this is a lad with history

Rhenium - 5.5/10 it’s ok

Osmium - 4/10 I wasn’t a big wizard of oz fan

Iridium - 9/10 sounds like iridescent and that’s in my top 10 favorite words and concepts

Platinum - 10/10 best Pokémon game

Gold - 7.9/10 all that glitters and all but it’s still pretty on some people, silver is better tho

Mercury - yikes 8/10 so it doesn’t kill me

Thallium - sounds like the brother character in a ps4 exclusive western rpg that oddly falls under the radar in terms of reviews and gets shafted at awards for no reason 7/10 I’ll support you tho

Lead - 2/10 that’s gonna be a no from me dawg pretty sure I still have lead in my hands from stabbing myself with my mechanical pencils

Bismuth - 6/10 sounds good in mouth and reminds me of biscuits for some reason, I’ll take it

Polonium - to thine own self be true so stop trying to act like the arts don’t influence science jk pretty sure this is named for Poland but hey that’s where we get the Witcher so you get a pass 6/10

Astatine - 1/10 I don’t even know what you are

Radon - 7/10 this motherfucker knows his shit and how to party, rad is right

Francium - I bring you francium...and I bring you myrdurdium... 7/10 for a good vine

Radium - killed the video star probably 9/10 I can get behind her

Actinium - as opposed to passtinium I prefer actinium in the voice of writing 8/10

Thorium - overrated Norse god 5/10 because lightning is still cool

Protactinum - sounds like some pretentious condom brand 4/10 wouldn’t do it with a dude who bought these

Uranium - I always thought she was a hot sailor scout 10/10

Neptunium - same for her I knew they weren’t cousins you couldn’t lie to me 4kids 10/10

Plutonium - sounds like a macguffin unfortunately 5/10

Americium - I read this with a pivotal letter missing and nearly died, 7/10 for the laugh

Curium - 10/10 gives me Curie vibes and also reminds me of curiosity which reminds me of—[old yellered before the association could set in]

Berkelium - what I shout when I want Burke (fam dog) to slaughter innocents and raze territories 2/10 world was not meant to know his commands

Californium - 1/10 California is cool with geography but probs could stand to chill with the ego sorry to my friends in Cali

Einsteinium - 6/10 it’s alright but we’re really running out of ideas huh

Fermium - 3/10 this one is porny

Mendelevium - 1/10 my brain didn’t like parsing this and I stand by my earlier statement of running out of good names

Nobelium - 0/10 you didn’t name any noble gases this cowards this gas can’t be a noble oh wait it’s NOBEL I take it back 5/10 seems an alright chap

Lawrencium - fear the old blood my sorry dead hunter’s ass I’ll never get back my life from the hours I spent trying to beat this lava shitting bastard 2/10 for being a boss who eats Taco Bell specifically before being challenged to have fresh lava shit with which to punish you for having the audacity to exist in his space

Rutherfordium - my god what a snob 4.2/10 I respect him a little but only because he sounds like a right lad

Dubnium - DROP THE BASS 10/10

Seoborgium - not sure about this one but it can have a 7/10

Bohrium - as an American English speaker this sound combination makes my pathetic throat become a black hole as I try to properly create the sound of it 10/10 I love when my body becomes a massive void in the universe

Hassium - lazy 2/10

Elements 109-118 can go fuck themselves I hate them all, collective 6.66/10 for their general demonic vibe

[thotfuss]

I kind of agree with the other Annonymous writer, I have both your ex and your feed. She apologizes for the things she did wrong and never says a bad word about you. She fully admits to things. It does feel wrong to keep calling her out as an abuser because she has been getting targeted and crucified because of your words. Is that not just as bad really? Friends and family, of course, will always take your side ALWAYS. You should listen to your heart. I am sure you loved her once.

I’ll be honest, I wrote a really angry stream of consciousness response to this, deleted it, considered not answering this at all, wrote out an actual response, told myself I didn’t owe it to anyone to explain, deleted that, and then wrote it again. Maybe this is my fault for talking about it or referencing it on here, but I never used her url or name, and I never went into detail. I saw it as me using my own blog to express my feelings, which, maybe I shouldn’t have. So I’m sorry if that’s the case. i was never “calling her out,” simply expressing my own feelings on my personal blog, i’m sorry if that was irresponsible. But I am not okay with the messages I’ve been getting lately. This is one of...5 similar ones sitting in my inbox rn? So I am NOT answering this to put my ex on blast or to target and crucify her, and I DON’T owe this explanation to anyone but for my own peace of mind I’m going to explain! (under a read more for abuse tw)

First of all, even if she DID admit to things she did wrong and apologizes for them, it doesn’t make it...not abuse? I seriously doubt she’s getting targeted and crucified, I haven’t posted her URL on here, haven’t even used her NAME, and her family and friends were extremely supportive of her and her actions when all this was happening.

It took me MONTHS to even be able to consider labeling what happened as abuse. Even after my therapist, my family, my friends, EVERYONE who knew about even a FRACTION of what was going on, had said that it was categorically emotional abuse I still felt like i was exaggerating or asking for attention. and to be honest, I still feel like that! 

My ex was insecure. I wrote everything that happened off as her being insecure for SO long, because every time I brought up an issue she would say I “wasn’t supporting her,” and that I should “know how it felt” because of my own issues with mental illness. But when I look back at some of the things that happened-I went to visit my sister back in September, and when I told my ex, she threatened to break up with me if I went. She also threatened to break up with me after my sister gave me a string bracelet she’d made me before leaving for college, because my ex thought that if I put it on, I’d be “replacing her.” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my family in any capacity unless she was there. I wasn’t allowed to have other friends, I wasn’t even allowed to spend time by myself. She got angry if I spent time on homework, if I went home to do laundry, even if I wanted to sleep. She would say I’d rather sleep than spend time with her, so I was averaging 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night. she lived about 30 minutes away from me, and I work a lot of night shifts. 

I would often go home before going to her place to change, feed my frog, etc, and she would get FURIOUS over this. She forced me to keep my location services on at all times, despite my telling her that it made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. If she saw me at my parents’ house, my apartment, the store, ANYWHERE without me having told her that I was going there, she would call me until I picked up and explained. 

She forced me to put her fingerprint into my phone so that she could go through my phone whenever she wanted. When I expressed discomfort, I was told both by her and her mother (who genuinely thought everything I’m outlining was an okay way to treat someone, which made it really hard for ME to tell that it wasn’t because I was surrounded on all sides by people telling me the opposite) that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. She read through old chats of mine, and got upset about things I’d said to people before I’d even MET her-telling my friends I loved them, etc. She would monitor my social media activity, and if I was active somewhere and hadn’t messaged her back in a few minutes, she would call me repeatedly until I picked up. If I didn’t pick up immediately-If I was in class, at work, asleep, etc, she would later cite that as a reason she couldn’t trust me.  There was one morning where I woke up and she had turned my alarm off, and was on my phone scrolling through my phone calls and asking why I had called a certain number the day before but hadn't called her (I had called my dentist's office to reschedule an appointment.) While I was at work, she texted me calling me a fucking asshole and a cheater, based off of this situation alone.

I’m an art major, and I draw a lot! I like drawing portraits, I’ll sketch people in class, etc, and when she saw that she would accuse me of being in love with the nameless stranger I’d sketched in the coffee shop or something. She told me that the figure drawing class I was taking was “basically cheating,” to the point that I dropped out of it. She would go through my sketchbook constantly, which is something that’s very personal to me and I told her this. She once again cited that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it should be fine. She got angry at me for drawing fictional characters, even guys, which. I’m a lesbian! But she would get jealous and have a meltdown. 

She CONSTANTLY accused me of looking at other girls in public, even though I truly never was. I was driving us home from somewhere once, and looked in my sideview mirror to merge lanes, and she thought I was checking out the girl who was walking by on the sidewalk and blew up at me. Multiple times, she would get upset at me while we were driving somewhere and try to jump out of my moving car over an issue such as the one I just mentioned. 

She would get mad when I wore makeup to class or work, or even dresses or nice clothes. I would tell her that I just LIKED that dress, or that I just enjoyed doing makeup, and she would say I was only doing it to ‘impress other girls.’ On the other hand, she got upset several times when I DIDN’T wear makeup when we went out, because she said I wasn’t making an effort for her. 

She got upset at me when I didn’t finish meals, which she said triggered her own issues. I explained several times that my own anxiety (not food-related, just general) messed with my appetite a LOT, and made it hard for me to eat sometimes. 

She also gets mad when I don't finish my food, and stuff like that. I get that that's because of her eating disorder, obviously, but she still takes it out on me. All of this, when I react defensively or show that I'm hurt by her accusations, she says that i'm not giving her the "reassurance" she needs.

When I brought any of this up, she would have a melt down and cite her insecurities and mental health issues. I have major anxiety and depression issues, I've been hospitalized for it before and go to therapy once a week and am also on a lot of medication for it. When I had depressive episodes, bad days, or anxiety attacks, she would often get mad at me, and said I was sulking, or she said that it must mean I didn’t love her because she didn’t make me happy enough. I usually ended up comforting her over it.

On the anxiety note, I also tend to break out in a rash on my chest and neck when I'm anxious, and I will clarify that this looks NOTHING like hickeys. My neck gets red and blotchy, and I get itchy. when this happens, she LOST it every time without fail, melting down and telling me over and over "stop lying! just tell me who it was who did you do this with," etc, etc.

She told me that if we broke up, she would probably let her own mental health issues get worse, and would stop eating all together. She also flat out LIED about this when I brought it up later, saying that I was the one who had threatened to hurt myself if we broke up. She told me this, and other people this, and made up similar stories, so much that I started to believe it. I was apologizing for my own existence by the end of it, for every word out of my mouth, I was going crazy. I didn’t even REALIZE how bad it was, until I mentioned to my sister that I hadn’t driven the 30 mins over to her house one night due to the bad weather, and she had called me and called me until I picked up, forced me to send her pictures of the roads(?) and then said she’d “rather have someone who would drive on bad roads for her.” This wasn’t even near the worst thing that had happened, but the fact that my sister CRIED over that made me take a step or two back. And I left. Like...a few weeks after that. and it was HARD, it was the hardest thing I”ve EVER had to do, because i GENUINELY thought I was condemning someone to die. Like she fucked me up that bad! I still feel guilty. But I did it! She told me that nobody else would ever love me like her, that nobody would accept my mental health issues, etc, but guess what! I did it! 

And she STILL tried to contact me, refused to leave me alone, showed up at my WORK with a letter and flowers wanting to work it out (and sure she says this was romantic, whatever, but she forced me to unblock her number and hug her and now cites that as me “still feeling the same”) and made like...several different accounts to message me on here after I kept blocking the new ones she made. 

I have NO idea what she’s saying about me, and I don’t care. I want more than anything to move on. I hope she’s happy, I do! I get really, really, angry about it sometimes and I feel horrible for the way her isolating me made me cut off some very important people in my life. I’m still hurting, but i’m HAPPY. I want to move on, I don’t want this to be who I am, it doesn’t define me and I’d love to move on and meet other people and not have this fucking haunting me! And she keeps finding ways to bring it up. I wish her no ill will, and I”m not saying she’s a bad person. I’m not! But I am entitled to my feelings in the matter, I”m allowed to say that it sucked, I’m ALLOWED to say that it was abuse because there are things that happened that I haven’t even told my therapist, because it’s too hard to think about. I’m allowed to move on. Please, please allow me to move on. 

I’m not going to answer anything else about this, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it in any capacity on here, maybe that’s my fault. But please stop messaging me about it. 

[meetevieinthehallway]

cus y’laugh is pretty.

in which harry gets his wisdom teeth removed.

-

harry isn’t a fan of drugs.

not like that— the medicinal drugs that they put you under for surgeries, or even the ones that take away headaches.

specifically— the ones that alter the mind and consciousness.

first of all, he doesn’t like needles and he doesn’t understand people who don’t get bothered by them; he thinks it’s absurd someone is okay with a large, sharp object impaling at their skin and altering their immune system.

and the effects they have!

it’s a freaky fucking way to put something helpful into someone’s body.

second of all, he doesn’t like pain. nobody does— but harry fears pain and has crazy anxiety about its intensity, its severity. he’s never had a cavity in his fucking life so he has never really experienced a toothache, what if this is the worst pain i’ve ever felt? it worries him sick and he hasn’t been sleeping well for the past couple days, waking from dreams where he was in the dentist chair and there’s needles and tools and they pinched at his flesh but they didn’t truly numb his nerves and he could feel everything going on—

third of all, he doesn’t like the idea of not having control over his own being, his mind loose and free and with no filter. harry is a man of calculated speech; he chooses his words with care and makes sure they are impactful before they are released. his tediousness and careful words only intensified as he grew in fame— he can’t slip up in the media when he possesses the spotlight.

drugs like these ones—the ones being injected with a tiny needle into his fucking arm—are just keys able to access the locked depths of harry’s mind.

forget the control aspect— the fact that harry won’t even remember how he acts under drugs freaks him out; he won’t know what he said, how he said it.

what if i say something completely inappropriate?!

well fuck, he’s always thinking raunchy or romantically about his fiancée—

what if i embarrass myself? or even her! oh god—

it was these thoughts and nerves that cause harry’s knee to bounce up and down in the waiting room chair, his fingers twitching at the material at his thighs. his eyes have been downcast since they checked in, eyebrows furrowed as he dazes off at the tile floor, worries and concerns and nerves swirling in the pit of his stomach.

he doesn’t want to do it.

he really doesn’t.

i can’t do it.

but another hand rests on top of his, causing his leg to halt and for his eyes to break over next to him.

his lovie is looking at him with soft eyes, her lips pouting. harry gazes at her, his eyes blinking as she thread her fingers through his, pulling their hands into her lap. she’s fiddling with his fingers, twirling his rings and rubbing his knuckles.

“you shouldn’t be so scared, bub.”

he bites his lip.

“you’re gonna be fine, okay?”

he shakes his head, putting his eyes back on the ground, his leg beginning to bounce again.

“harry.”

he looks at her again. her eyes are pleading for him to go through with it—and god, he doesn’t want to disappoint her in any way—but he is so fucking terrified that he might just have to get up and leave.

“please don’t make me.”

his voice is cracking and breaking so sadly and although his brain is moving too wildly to produce any tears, his eyes are glossed over and her hand is squeezed extremely tightly in his,

she’s never seen him this way.

her fiancé is a strong and confident man—for the love of god, he’s worn pink and floral suits and has pranced around like a lunatic—who doesn’t typically let something like this bother him.

he’s been a mess for days— she had to physically pull him out of bed this morning because he refused to get up, mumbling that he wanted to take a rain check. she coaxed him with the promise of starbucks on the way, and he was dumb enough to only notice her trickery when she drove straight to the dentist office, murmuring in a fake-sad voice that oh, i forgot, you can’t eat or drink before this, h!

he hasn’t looked at her since. not until now— with sad eyes that purely begged to just take me home.

she sighs. “bubby.” she turns her body to face him completely. “it’s starting to impact your other teeth and jaw. if they aren’t removed, it’s gonna be detrimental.” her hand cards through his hair.

“b-but… can’t i do it without anesthesia?” he murmurs, his other hand joining in holding hers. “’s scary. people...— people die from anesthesia! i don’t wanna die i—”

“it’s best for you to be put to sleep.” she whispers gently, a hand coming to his cheek to hold his eyes to hers. “with how anxious they know you are… with the pain and everything, h.” she touches his face. “you also have six wisdom teeth, baby, so it’s a bit more complicated.”

he exhales loudly, turning his face. his hands loosen around her palm, breath sighing and hands moving to ruffle his hair.

“harry.” she says sadly.

he doesn’t look at her.

“i love you, and i promise,” she whispers. “you’re going to do absolutely amazing. and ‘m gonna spoil the fuck out of you with cuddles, ice cream and your favorite films.”

he mumbles, dejected, “don’t want ice cream.”

“popsicles then.”

“hmph.”

“even the orange ones...” she coos, and he looks at hers.

“t-the... the orange ones i like?”

“mhm.”

“from th’shop across town?”

she looks a him with gentle eyes, nodding.

harry’s lips pull into a small, lip-trembling, hesitating smile. “okay.”

“okay.” she smiles.

it’s quiet, the only sound the waiting room elevator style music, and he cringes. the room is such a stark white that it’s hurting his eyes, stinging his head and he sighs through his nose.

then his mind drifts.

it drifts off into more pessimism, the excitement for his favorite treat vanishing away as he thinks and thinks.

he remembers back on those loopy videos that he had rewatched incessantly, eyes wide as he bit his lip as the man throws a literal fit in the car, swollen cheeks and a muffled screaming voice.

his love had told him to stop watching them but he didn’t listen, and now he’s sitting here in a stupid waiting room and his brain is rambling because he doesn’t know what he will say when he has no control over his body—

“do you promise to forgive me if i say something inappropriate?” he bites his lip.

she breaks into soft giggles, nodding furiously and squeezing his hand. “absolutely.”

“y’sure?”

“course i am.”

“even if—”

“harry styles?”

the world goes a bit fuzzy as they’re pulled out of their conversation.

they both look and turn towards the soft voice, a dental hygienist in blue scrubs smiling at them brightly. her eyes and smile are warm, welcoming even, and it did nothing to aid harry’s pain and worry.

harry looks at his love and stares at her eyes. they are confident and strong, and at least if he isn’t okay, she is.

he hopes he will be.

he leans over the arm of the chair and kisses her cheek softly, slowly, pulling back and wetting his lips with his tongue. “hold my hand till i fall asleep?” his voice is pleading and quiet.

her eyes flicker to his, head nodding slowly. “of course.”

and that’s all he needed.

so he stands slowly, smiling small at the woman.

he takes his lovie’s hand and pulls her close to his side.

and together, they walk down the hallway after her.

—

“lovie!”

her head snaps up, her coloring book app on her phone forgotten the moment that her eyes land on her fiancé.

oh, boy.

here he is—the man she can proudly call hers—smiling greatly and stumbling with his long limbs despite the dentist holding up eighty percent of his body weight. his arm is strewn in an open gesture, silently requesting a hug from his favorite person, his other arm around the struggling dentist’s shoulders. she stands quickly, hurrying over, biting back a smile at his giggling and his coos. she brings his other arm over her shoulders, helping the dentist hold and walk him. his face immediately bends down and nuzzles into her neck, his voice cooing and humming.

“my lovie.”

he picks his head up and stares at her intently, a dopey smile stretching his swollen cheeks.

she turns to look at him briefly, doing a double take when she realizes how he dreamingly he’s staring at her. “hi” he drawles, moving his head again, this time to nuzzle his face into the top of her hair.

“hi, bub.” she laughs. “gotta help us get you to the car, alright?”

“okie dokie.” he murmurs, picking up his feet only a slight bit more, lazily feigning a march as they left through the door of the dentist’s office.

maintaining to get a six-foot-something groggy and giggly man—arguably child—into the passenger seat is more of a challenge than she originally thought. it’s a mess of unmoving limbs and a stubborn whiny voice and knocking-together-knees, and his love and the dentist both are out of breath by the time his butt hits the leather seat. when he is finally in and situated, he pouts, telling his girl that he doesn’t wanna sit, through a muffled whiny voice from the gauze filling his cheeks.

“’s my car!” he whines, stomping his feet on the floor of the vehicle. “can i drive?”

“no.”

another whine.

“why not?”

“because i wanna be home in one piece.”

she closes the door gently, turning to face his dentist with humored eyes as the man chokes back a breathy laugh. “thought you guys reversed the drugs towards the end?”

the dentist laughs. “poor kid was freaking out so bad, i thought we should just... let him be blissful for as long as possible.”

she smiles, giggling, “you left me with a handful.”

she turns, looking over her shoulder, and she snorts and holds back more laughs when she sees her love staring at her through the tinted window, pouting, his hand pressed to the glass. the tip of his nose is smushed there as well, gently rubbed against the surface as he whines.

the doctor holds back a laugh. “he should be okay, he’ll most likely fall asleep and wake up fine.”

she grins, shaking her head.

after she is done discussing final details with him, she slides herself in the car, sighing lightly and turning to her fiancé.

she furrows her eyebrows.

his arms are crossed in front of his chest, puffy lips pouting and his knees pulled toward one another.

“what is it, bubby?”

he mumbles quietly, voice slurring and lisping.

“what was that?”

“th’dentist took ’m’tongue.” he mumbles softly, words jumbling together. “’s gone.” he frowns.

she snorts.

“your tongue isn’t gone, h.” she leans over the car, grabbing his seatbelt and crossing it over his frame. “’s right in there, sweet.”

he pouts at her, fingers reaching to touch his cheek and mouth. “can’t feel it, feels funny.”

she giggles. “it’s supposed to.” she pries his hand away, putting it in her own palm.

“feels like a balloon.”

she shifts the car in drive and pulls out onto the road, shaking her head with an endeared smile. he simply was adorable like this, widened eyes of wonder and a childish voice that questions every sense around him. he’s pointing at trees and dogs on the roads and gasping and giggling at everyone and everything.

then he quiets, and she is driving a while before feeling harry’s gaze on her cheek. she turns, smiling when he gives her a big dopey smile, giggling and babbling at nothing, bouncing his head to some imaginary music.

“you okay, harry?” she glances at him again.

his lips instantly turn down. the hand that has been clasped in her fingers is immediately pulled away, a wounded and offended look casting over his face. his eyes stare at her, wide, as they water quickly and he sniffles. she’s instantly alarmed, her own eyes going wide at him as she pulls up to a red light and looks over.

“what’s wrong, hm?” she coos at him. “are you hurtin?”

“no.” he sniffles, shaking his head and blinking rapidly.

“what is it?” she murmurs softly, her hand failing in its attempts to grasp his.

“harry.” he whimpers, gauze slipping up to the corner of his lips and muffling his voice.

“what?”

he tucks his hands into his chest, shielding them away from her grasp. “’m not harry.”

“you’re not harry?” she’s so confused.

his eyes stare at her, wide, upset and astonished at how obvious the answer was. “m’name’s not harry!”

her eyebrows furrow. “what’s your name, then?”

he scoffs, mumbling how utterly unbelievable this is. “bubby!”

silence.

she erupts into giggles. she can’t help it, because he looked so devastated over something so ridiculous.

“you call me bubby. buh-bee.” he pouts, voice whining and eyes spilling out tears. “that’s m’name.”

“you’re right, bub. you’re right. i’m sorry.” she says through a fit of giggles.

his eyes narrow at her, and he looks genuinely offended. “why are you laughin’ at me?” he slurs, frowning at her profile.

“nothing, nothing. all is okay.” she grins. “’m not laughing at you.”

“’m your husband. y’can’t laugh at me.”

“oh?” she giggles.

“m-hm. ’s in the rules.”

she glances at him. “the rules?”

“mhm. the marriage rules.”

“yeah? what else is in the rules?”

he huffs, looking out the window as he thinks. his drugged mind makes him feel really floaty, so he is drunkenly pulling all of his energy in to think as his body is swaying as he genuinely ponders through his altered mind.

“y’have to make me brownies.” he says seriously.

she quirks an eyebrow and shoots another glance his way, a smile gracing her lips. “i hafta bake brownies for you?”

“mhm. every day.” he looks at her. “with the— the big chocolate chips i like.”

he’s speaking absolute nonsense and she doesn’t know how to contain her laughs.

“anything else in the marriage rules?”

silence.

“i get t’eat you out every day.”

silence.

she cackles.

her body jolts forward violently and her laughs transform to heavy breaths, and she’s giggling so intensely that her abdomen throbs, arm crossing her stomach as she tries to slow her breathing.

“y’laughing again!!”

he yells at her with a childlike voice, and she holds back another round of laughter as he sounds upset.

“i’m not i’m not... just— saw something funny outside.”

his green eyes are swimming with a drunkeness she’s never seen.

“that’s a lie!”

“i’m not laughing.” she grins at him. “promise.”

he huffs at her, arms folding back over his chest. “sounds like y’are.”

“’m not, bubby.”

harry’s eyes light at the name, and he fails to hide it, his emotions conflicted between happiness and detestment as he looks at his girl. on one hand, she’s laughing at him and that’s just... mean. and on the other—

his hand slowly slides back into her palm, a small smile on his lips starting to hum as he looks out the window.

she smiles, rolling her eyes at his antics and continuing to drive.

it’s quiet for a couple miles, besides the humming from his throat and the raspberries he’s blowing into the air.

then he gasps loudly, causing her to jump.

“lovie!”

she breathes, “yes?”

“i-i—” he stammers, unsure of how to word his sentence. “do— do you realize what just happened?”

“uh... what d’you mean, love?”

“l-like… that guy just… stole m’teeth!”

here we go again.

“didn’t steal them, bub.”

“well then—” he challenges, “where did they go?”

“on... on a vacation.” she says quickly, hoping it would settle his questions.

“...how come m’teeth get a vacation and i don’t?”

“not a good vacation, love. they were bothering you, so they had to go.” her voice is soft, gently suggesting so she wouldn’t have to tell his drunken mind that they ripped his teeth from his skull.

well, harry has to think about that.

he sits back in his seat, eyebrows furrowed as he mumbles to himself. he touches his lip before she mumbles a stern “hey.” and bats his hand away, his eyes going wide in realization.

“he’s like superman.” he mumbles, awed.

“who is?”

“m’dentist. superdentist.”

his fiancée starts laughing at his seriousness, giggles spilling from her lips. harry looks to her and starts chuckling as well, their laughs blending in the air of the car. she pauses, her giggles dying down slowly.

“why are you laughing?”

“cus y’laugh is pretty.” he grins cheesily, his feet swinging in the space of the car floor. “makes m’smile.” his voice is like a child’s— giggly and adorable and sheepish, his cheeks flushing with pink.

she grins at him, shaking her head gently.

“can i sleep?” he slurs, eyes fluttering and body starting to lean backwards into his seat.

“yeah, baby. y’need help reclining?”

“nuh uh.”

“are you sure?—”

she’s cut off by a snore.

a loud snore that she quickly looks towards, snorting when she sees her love’s face pressed against the glass of the window, body slumped. his heavy breathing increases the deeper he falls asleep, her lips letting out soft laughs at his behavior.

she shakes her head, turning to face the road.

oh, just wait until he hears everything he missed.

[purplesurveys]

921

LOL was gone for a while to attempt doing that ridiculous 5000 survey myself again and I really thought I was going to breeze through it this time. 2 1/2 weeks and 2500 questions later, I need a fucking break. Need normal surveys plz.

What was the best thing to happen to you this week? Got to visit Gabie today! I brought Cooper as well so that she, her sisters, and their puppy Tofu could finally meet him. Fun day, but I am beat. The blackout yesterday also made me revisit painting, and that felt so good too.

Where do you put your keys when you get home? It always differs, idk why I never picked up a routine. Sometimes I set it on the dining table, other times on the decorative table in the living room, and other times I bring it up with me to my room.

Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? I preferred hot (warm would be more accurate) for the longest time but once I went iced, I never wanted to go back. 

What's your phone background picture? I recently changed my lock screen to one of Audrey Hepburn. My home screen is still Hayley Williams.

If you could move to any country, what would it be? Anywhere with a clean and honest government sounds like heaven.

Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? No. Can’t say there’s a lot of them here in the city, and I’ve never seen any in my trip to provinces either.

What's your favourite movie from the 80s? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Do you have any posters, paintings or other artwork on your walls? I have at least one of each of these, yes.

What would your dream wedding be like? Huge. I’d want a long guest list, expansive food choices, and acts that can provide good music throughout the evening. I never really throw parties for myself, so I would want at least my own wedding to be big.

Would you ever take a trip to space if given the chance? Yesssssss.

How do you cope with anxiety? I'm lucky to have found different outlets, so that said I usually choose from taking surveys, watching a favorite channel on YouTube, turning to my dogs, going to social media to see dumb memes, or taking a nap altogether. Of course there’ll always be those days where none of these work out and I’ll have to just cry through the anxiety attacks until they’re over.

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? I’m expecting an email from my college, yes. I’m currently applying for civil service eligibility and they’re asking for documents that only the college can provide, so I emailed them a couple of days ago asking for assistance, and that’s considering we’re still under a lockdown and most offices are still under skeleton staffing.

What's the weather like in your part of the world right now? LOVELY. I actually wear oversized sweaters to bed now and I even managed to wear a thick denim jacket out today. The rainy weather has settled beautifully, and I’m perfectly fine with 24ºC-28ºC everyday.

What was the last takeout food you ate? My mom bought me and my siblings a chicken sandwich and chicken nuggets each from McDonald’s last week.

Who makes you laugh the most? Definitely someone from my college barkada. I can’t decide whether it’s Aya, Kate, JM, or Jum; they’re all equally hilarious as fuck.

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? See these questions are always weird to me because my country has its own naming customs; it’s basically a mix of American and Spanish customs. We have two first names (where Westerners would understand their second ‘first’ name to be their middle name) and our actual legal middle name is our mother’s maiden surname (which I think doesn’t apply at all in the Western world). So to answer this I’ll go with our own customs and say that no, I don’t know of anyone who has the same middle name as me. It’s not a very common surname anyway.

What did you have done the last time you saw a dentist? Had a tooth removed. I don’t think it was a wisdom tooth; it was just a tooth at the back of my mouth that had been in pretty bad shape for years but was only discovered at that time.

What does a successful relationship look like to you? I believe the formula is different for every couple. Like I value constant communication and checkups, but others might not feel the need to be clingy or update their significant others all the time.

What do you like to put on your baked potato? Don’t really have these a lot, but I remember when my mom used to make baked potatoes with bacon and cheese and those were unbelievably good.

What field of science interests you the most? Biology. <3 I’m sure I would’ve taken up medicine if I only wasn’t so bad in the rest of the sciences.

What's the closest shop or restaurant to your house? There aren’t any nearby shops since I live in a gated community, but once you get out of the village’s main gate, the first thing to the left is a McDonald’s. To the right is a small complex with a hair salon, burger place, music school, and one of those boujee stores that sell hype clothing.

Do you have any family that live in another country? So many relatives. We’re Filipinos, man. We migrate everyfuckingwhere. As far as I know I have family living in the US, Canada, Vietnam, Japan, China, Australia, and New Zealand.

What colour is your couch? Gray.

Do you know how to care for plants and keep them alive? Not at all. Every single plant that I’ve been given as a gift or party giveaway has died on me.

What was the most memorable birthday you've had? 18th was awesome. Cruise trip, hotel stay with friends, Tiendesitas + noodle date with Gab. How I got away with three separate celebrations without my parents saying anything about it I’ll never know.

Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? Beach. The area where I live is mountainous as it is; as someone who’s always lived and studied in the city, a trip to the beach in the province never gets old.

What do you do for work? I don’t have any yet but I’m waiting for openings for our national agency for either history, or culture and the arts. My plans have shifted recently and I’m now eyeing to work for either instead of rotting away while underpaid at a corporate agency.

Have you ever been to see the circus? No. I wouldn’t be interested either; they all just seem so harsh and unethical. 

Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe? Sure.

What is the best house you've ever lived in? The one we live in today has been the most comfortable; but I also hold a lot of nostalgia for my dad’s parents’ house in Tondo because of how raw Manila life was there. Life wasn’t pretty, but it did feel real.

What was the first CD you ever bought? The first CD I actively wanted my parents to buy for me was probably the High School Musical soundtrack, heheh.

Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah, always. Wanna make sure my shirt is tucked in properly (if it is), or that my jeans aren’t cuffed funny or whatever else.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? I’ve mentioned this before but it was the Indian dessert gulab jamun. Really did not expect the flavor that came in when it hit my mouth.

Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? I’ve never had a legit job, but when Jeuel quit the org a couple of years ago because of ~irreconcilable differences~ between him and us officers in the executive board it did feel a tad bit dramatic and passive-aggressive.

What movie reminds you of your childhood? Shrek 2 or The Game Plan.

Do you know why your parents named you what they did? The singer named Robyn was really big then and they ended up being fans of the name.

Do you have any bills that need to be paid? None of my own. My parents usually pay the family bills immediately, so I don’t think we have any pending payments for now.

What do you like to dip your fries in? Mayonnaise.

Is your house clean or messy right now? It’s always clean as my mom is extremely tidy.

What was the last email you received? It’s one of the job-hunting websites I’ve signed up for, giving me job alerts for new openings in my chosen industries.

Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? Yeah and I know people who do it responsibly and those who just come off as tactless.

Are you in any social groups? We call our college group the Daydrinkers, since our friendship began when we started constantly hanging out at nearby bars at like 2 PM, during our breaks lol. I used to be in a barkada in high school but Angela and I broke apart from that since we couldn’t deal with Athenna’s toxicity anymore, though I still keep in touch with most of them, like Chelsea and Kaira. Since then Angela and I have formed our own group consisting mostly of Angela’s friends from architecture and Hans’ friends from Ateneo.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Sigh, around 4. I don’t know why it was so few, but it also means that I’m currently drowsy as all hell at 9:03 PM. I will most likely turn in for bed after this.

What's your favourite kind of museum? Those that cover history, so museums that have artifacts and fossils and shit.

Do you believe in alternate universes? I like the idea, and I love literature that explores the idea of alternate realities, multiple universes, pocket universes, etc. Whether or not I believe they exist...idk. I don’t think about it that much in literal terms. < Yeah pretty much. Gaby Dunn wrote an amazing piece on multiverses and that was what got me to find comfort in the idea.

Whose house did you last visit? I was at Gabie’s place this afternoon. We had burritos, talked about career prospects, and puppy-sat our babies.

What games do you play on your smart phone? I turn to 1010 when I’m bored or anxious. I have like 30 other games but I never touch them lol, but I do keep them should the time be right to whip them out.

Have you ever been to Los Angeles? I have not.

What was the first concert you ever went to? Paramore, February 2013. I was a late bloomer; kids my age started going to concerts at least three years before that.

Do you know anyone who is colourblind? I don’t think so.

What's your favourite season and why? The wet season, because it’s colder and I hate the heat during the dry season.

Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? I’m the eldest.

If you had to make something for a potluck, what would you make? I recently watched this phenomenal recipe for 48-hour chocolate chip cookies that looked absolutely bonkers when they were done baking. I’d for sure give those a try for dessert. If that fails I’d just buy the food so that what I bring is more guaranteed to be good.

What kinds of decorations do you put up at Halloween? My family has never cared much for Halloween. It’s not even a legit holiday, so as much as I love Halloween I don’t think I would spend for decorations myself to decorate my own place. The only instance I imagine doing so would be if I have kids of my own who may want to get into the Halloween ~spirit.

How many tabs do you have open right now? In my current window, eight.

What's something you've been meaning to do but keep putting off? Taking another online course, just because it’s great to learn new things and earn free certifications while at it. I haven’t been doing a good job at being consistent with them, though.

What's the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? Facebook since it’s my primary social media now. Literally never thought this day would come.

Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah but it’s been a while.

Who was your favourite music artist when you were 16? This was the time I was slowly moving away from my punk phase and inching closer to Athenna’s music tastes, so I was into acts like Hozier, Banks, Daya, Twenty One Pilots, etc.

What are three things you usually always have in your fridge? Water, bread, eggs.

[tasteslikemolecules]

Having lived a decade with a yearly income of the equivalent of roughly 11.500$ it kind of blows my mind that I’ve been living under the US poverty threshold all this time. Within the EU, “60 per cent of median income (is) classified as poor”, which means I waver between poor and not poor, depending on the country I’m in at the moment. It is so strange to me, to define poverty only in terms of how much other people make, and not in terms of need. I don’t feel poor most of the time. I get anxious when I think about my financial future, losing my job, how everything is going to go to shits anyway with global warming and Nazis on the rise everywhere etc, but I don’t feel poor as of now. And I’ve spent a lot of time over the past weeks thinking about why that is. 

Relatively good health insurance (I feel the most poor when I pay my dentist)

Free, good education (two degrees with no student debt, no debt in general)

Rent control, knowing I can’t easily be put out on the street 

Enough money for a few frivolous things: going out to eat once a week, having a cinema pass, being able to afford a tea in a coffee shop if the library is closed, getting to travel. 

A supportive family, who I feel I could rely on to help me out 

Being able to budget and cook well, aka make cheap stuff tasty

No one who relies on me financially, no kids

Cheap, fulfilling hobbies - writing, reading, drawing, movies/shows, etc

Good libraries around me 

A good public transport system that doesn’t make me feel weird about not having a car/license 

An anti-capitalist mind set, the knowledge that lack of money is not a moral shortcoming, but a problem of fair distribution 

I guess, what i’m saying is, that 1) I might be technically ‘poor’ but I feel extremely grateful for what I have, and when I don’t feel grateful, I try to remind myself it’s not me being lazy or a bad person 2) that if I lived in the US or anywhere else with a bad social security net, I’d be fucked. Just thinking about the amount of debt I’d be in from grad school & therapy and medication alone, makes me anxious as hell. 3) Universal health care (which I don’t have, btw), free education, rent control, etc, are all things worth fighting for. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #203

I’m not dead, World of Warcraft just devoured my life again.

Have you ever been inside of an abandoned building? Yes; a shack first, but we picked up the courage to just barely set foot into this small building absolutely littered with newspapers and such. Almost went into the main house, but my sister, friend, and I were too intimidated by the idea. I didn't want to imagine what could be in there; already anxious by that age, I worried about feral animals or homeless being in there. Have you ever actually believed in monsters? (Like as a kid) Yes, I think. Do you have any fascination with the macabre? Examples? Oh boy, do you know me? I find most gore cool, I love bone art/vulture culture sort of stuff, I find death and decay fascinating, then there's the roadkill photography I do (done in only great respect/to show the horror of what we can cause), dark and especially gory artwork... I could go on for a while. Do you actually think skeletons are scary? I LOVE skeletons, add that to the above list. I was always excited in school if our science class had a replica in it. What monster movie is your favorite? This is broad... You mean like, actual monsters? Not like Freddy Krueger, per se, and focused on them? Hell I dunno, maybe Monsters Inc., lol. Is Hocus Pocus really a good movie, or a bit overrated? We cannot associate if you so much as dislike Hocus Pocus. What witch-themed movie/show is your favorite, anyhow? See above. Do you like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Hell yeah. Ha, pretty funny though: I'm not obsessed with the movie or anything, yet people give me sooooooo much Jack Skellington stuff for my birthday and/or Christmas. I do love Jack, totally, but you'd assume I was more in love with the character than I actually am. Do you count it as a Halloween movie and a Christmas movie? Halloween, for me. Do you like Jack or Sally better? Jack. What other Tim Burton works do you enjoy, if any? Corpse Bride and Alice in Wonderland are my absolute favorites, then there's Frankenweenie, Beetlejuice, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach (literally my lil sis's and my childhoods), and probably more. I just love him. Are there any ‘dark’ or ‘spooky’ films you recommend? Absolutely the original Blair Witch Project. Spoiler, you never see the "witch," and that just made it so much spookier, particularly when there's a scene that seems to have a high chance of her showing up on the camera. It's very convincing in selling it as "based on a true story;" the characters act realistic in the situations they're in and are very dedicated to acting well. It's my personal definition of a "good" horror movie. If anything, shit, watch it for the ending. Creepiest goddamn thing. Just for fun – what would your personal hell look like? Yeesh, let's not visualize that... On Supernatural, do you like the angels or demons better? I am way, WAY behind, but from very faint memories, I believe the demons. Have you ever purchased anything from an occult or New Age shop? What? No. Do you know any Pagans/Wiccans? I believe one of my old friends is Wiccan? Do you know any Satanists? I don't believe so. Would you ever keep a tarantula as a pet? Nah. Are there any urban legends in your area? What are they? Looked it up and apparently NC does have some, but idk about *my* area. Do you find dead trees beautiful? Some, like really big ones. Who was the last person you sat next to? Mom. Are you embarrassed to let others see you without makeup? No. Have you ever had a nickname at your church? If so, what? Don't believe so, when I grew up going to church. What was the last stuffed animal you bought? Not sure. Maple trees, fir trees, or palm trees? Maple. Which biblical name do you prefer: Naomi, Esther, Rachel, or Joanna? Naomi, easily. I used to want to name my hypothetical daughter that. Which biblical guys name do you prefer: Seth, Jedidiah, Ezra, or Buz? Seth. Who is the hardest working person you know? MY. MOTHER. She works her fucking ASS off; I'd like to see most people handle even a single day in her life. Can you name any songs by Godsmack? A few: "No Rest For The Wicked," "Whatever," "Mama," "Voodoo," "Voodoo Too," "Hollow," "Time Bomb," "The Enemy," and... that may be it? What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Meeting Sara. How deeply do you care for your education? Is it something you take seriously? I don't really know how to answer this. Like... I care, but I don't care enough to be competitive about it or obsess over it. I target for just being "enough." Would you prefer to go to a beach or to a park for a day, and why? What would you do? Park. The beach is too hot, windy, and I hate the feel of sand. Idk what I'd do at the park considering there are various kinds... What are five things you own in your favorite color? Tank top, iPod, uh... I'm blanking. Is your favorite clothing store close to your house or do you have to travel far? The nearest one is like an hour away. In real life do you laugh like ‘haha,’ ‘hehe’ or something else? The former. Do you have any unusual skills? No. Do you have any bug bites right now? No. Do you like to look at other peoples’ houses? Sure, when riding by them. What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever received? Good question. Maybe my toes are cute? (They're fucking tiny.) Would you say you’re more witty or childish about jokes? Witty, I guess. What do you think about video games? One of the greatest technological achievements. Video games brought forth a new form of entertainment to enjoy, one that can hold someone's focus for hours and stay fun. They can also tell fantastic stories, just like reading a book or watching TV, and the more and more realistic in vision games are becoming, it just becomes easier with every game to feel more immersed in the universe. What would you, or do you, study at college? I'm going for zoology. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? Oh my god in Heaven, yes. They are so damn cute; when Sara was here and we were in PetSmart for something, I actually started tearing up and squealing because of how GODDAMN PRECIOUS THEY WERE, like they all came up to the glass pawing at us, and watching them play was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. The only thing holding me back from getting one is the fact I know they are veeery messy and require a lot of care. Is there anything you find undeserving of the hype it received? Eh, don't feel like thinking about this. In other words, idk and idc. Do you think it’s better to label yourself than be labelled? Who cares, honestly. Don't restrain yourself with a label, and what others see in you and you following along with it solely because of that is naive. What’s something you do a lot? Over-evaluate anything and everything, because my OCD has been an absolute beast for the longest time. Are you currently on any other websites? Twitch and deviantART are open. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? YES. I have done this since like... late middle school or earlier when the hair to the right of my part covered my eye. My mom points it out all the time, and no matter how many times I've tried to unlearn it, I can't do it. My head physically feels weird if I straighten it. When was the last time you laughed at someone? Some time earlier when I was watching Mark play GTA. Do you have any projects on the go right now? I started a massive YouTubers video with "High Hopes" over a month ago, and now I haven't touched it since the day I started lmao. Do you, or did you, really look forward to when you can finally move away? Eh... yes and no. I really question my ability to be that independent. What’s the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen? Who knows. What’s your favorite name ever? Alessandra. Are you a hat person? No. Have you ever forgotten how to do something simple? Ha, yeah. Have you ever been hit on by somebody way too old for you? Possibly an old family friend; he had this thing for being REALLY flirtatious with my older sister, and then me sometimes as I got older. We were never alone with him or anything, I mean he did it right in front of our mother and dad (he fucking loathed him because of it, probably still does), so we think he was joking? Have you ever climbed a chain-link fence? Yes. Have you ever had to run from the cops? No. Do you know anyone who is constantly humming? No? Are you afraid of any specific animals? I mean the usual insects and spiders, then there's the few more unusual ones such as SLUGS, MAGGOTS, larvae in general really, whale sharks, worms... probably others that aren't coming to me. Did anything comical happen to you today? No. Are you any good at fussball? Not especially. Who do you usually dream about? Jason is most often in the ones I actually remember. Yay. It made sense when I wasn't even beginning to heal, but now that I am and I STILL have them despite having fully and entirely moved on, I finally just asked my mother if it was normal, which apparently it is extremely common with even "recovered" PTSD victims. Shoulda asked/looked it up way sooner... Do you visit your dentist as often as you should? Yeah, thanks to Mom. She always ensures I stay updated with medical exams/appointments. I'm lucky as hell to have her here to keep my life straight. Do you still have a teddy bear? Maybe in the bags in the attic? Did you get any Girl Scout cookies this year? No. They don't come here. What’s your favorite fairytale? Bitch Shrek don't even @ me it's a fucking fairytale. Do you apologize when you know you should? Usually. In most cases, I feel overwhelming guilt otherwise. Do apologies really make anything better? Sometimes, to a degree. Can other people tell when you’re high? I've never been high. Do you own a birdcage? No. Have you ever planted anything? Yeah. Have you ever been blackmailed into doing anything? No. What eyeshadow color looks best on you? I only ever wear black. Can you tolerate small children? jfc no. In almost any situation. Even my niece and nephew, I can't be around them but for so long without getting burnt out or aggravated. What’s the stupidest behavior humans partake in? Holy sweet mother of The Lord God Almighty- Have you ever seriously considered suicide? Yeah. Did you ever hit anything while learning to drive? I like... immediately hit a curb lmao, and I STILL can't turn past them without the risk of running over it. It's one of the things that's holding me back from getting my license yet. Which movie’s musical score is truly memorable? UM, The Lion King??????? Hurry the FUCK up July. Which TV show theme music do you remember most? That '70s Show. Have you ever bounced any checks? I've never even used a check... How many speeding tickets have you been given? None. Not that I drive a lot. First kiss: quick, sloppy, and forgettable or passionate and memorable? It was fucking adorable and definitely memorable. I don't care how I feel about him now, that's a little event I'll always remember and cherish. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, or Larry the Cable Guy? OH GOD what was that stand-up show with just them? I LOVED that back as a teen. I don't know who I liked most, but probably Jeff or Bill. I do know Ron was my least favorite, but he wasn't bad. How many bills do you pay online? I'm a 23-year-old "adult" who doesn't have bills. What’s the highest score you ever bowled? Hell if I remember. Nothing impressive. What’s your definition of a good, full breakfast? The "perfect" picture is like pancakes, scrambled cheesy eggs, and bacon. Whats your favorite flavor of jam? Of what I've tried, I only like grape. Are you a fast runner? I can't even TELL you the last time this bitch ran. At school was is/was the main reason you get/got in trouble? It was never severe trouble, just a quick word, but Jason because we'd always hug and usually just exchange a peck in-between going to classes; both were no-nos in our shit school, and the hall monitors or whatever would tell us not to if they saw, buuut we didn't listen. Hell, I think maybe hand-holding was against the rules too, which I know we didn't abide by if that was present. Do you make your views heard or do you hide in the background? It depends. I'd say heard more often, maybe? Do you have many friends from foreign countries? No. Can you open your mouth very wide? No. You know those things at the dentist where you have to bite down straight onto them for an impression of your molars? If the dentist was considerate enough, I'd use the one for older children instead of adult because I canNOT fully bite down on the normal ones without it being incredibly painful and I gag like mad to the point I inevitably tear up. What was the reason for your last x-ray? My knees were being checked with all the horrible pain I'd been dealing with from them. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not for the sake of being rebellious, no. I only had such streaks (and still do) when I saw/see them appropriate to the situation. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. What is the most common name where you live? I dunno. Elizabeth, maybe? Actually just looked it up for the hell of it and what I found first says William (which I can absolutely believe) and Ava (which I question?). When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Jump, gasp, and either dash or stare at whatever the source is like a deer in headlights. Does it bother you to be around people who are smoking? Yes. How much time do you spend on the phone a day? Not long at all. I check Instagram usually at least once, and I don't follow a lot at all. Sometimes I check Facebook on my phone, but I usually do on my laptop now. That doesn't take very long, either. Your favorite song lyrics right now: "What I do know is come Judgment Day, I followed love; can you say the same?" from "Natural Born Sinner" by In This Moment. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? Ever heard "Runaway Love" by Ludacris & Mary J. Blige? Bitch you bet it makes me wanna cry. Name three books that have actually made you cry [really cry not a few tears]: I don't think I've ever gone beyond just a few tears, really. The Notebook probably was the hardest on me, though. Or Old Yeller. Idr. Is it easy to annoy you? Maybe. Do you watch musicals? If so, which is your favorite? If not, why not? No, because they make me cringe into a new dimension. Do you wear short shorts & tanktops in the summer? You will never see me in shorts, and I wear tank tops like... always. Always to bed, at least. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? Having a baby period does. No fucking thanks. Do you remember who your best friend was in fourth grade? Quiata. Maybe still Brianna, idr. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. Is there anywhere in your house that you’re scared to be alone in? No. Any embarrassing/childish shows you secretly still enjoy watching? No. I don't watch TV period, but what I do like, BELIEVE THIS SHIT OR NOT, I'm not embarrassed. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I think the longest I was ever supposed to stay somewhere was three months, but that didn't actually happen. The longest I've actually been in a hospital was two weeks, give or take. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? I'm not straight so obviously not. Name three things in your room that others probably don’t have in theirs: An iguana, a snake, and a rat. In the same general area lmao. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Nothing. If you could pull off any hairstyle, what would it look like? A pixie cut. The kind with the shaved sides. Besides furniture, what’s the biggest thing in your bedroom? Uhhh my snake's cage? Do you diet and exercise regularly? I do a 16-hour fast daily. What’s something that you think is really cute? Even though I don't want kids, I can't see men being really vibrant and cute with babies or toddlers without just alksdfjioawer Would you rather donate time, blood, or money? Hm. I feel like ultimately, money would be most beneficial in the majority of cases? Can grills be sexy on a guy? They are incredibly unattractive on anyone. Are braces cute? Not particularly, but they're not like, unattractive. Unlike grills, they serve an actual purpose and aren't as obnoxious. Which of your friends makes you laugh the hardest? Girt. What brings out the worst in you? Being extremely stressed. I'm seriously snappy and irritable. Would you rather go to Canada or Mexico on vacation? Canada, probably. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? I don't think about it because I don't have a choice if I want to see. Do you ever wear hats indoors? I don't wear them period. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? If so, did you get any fun extra stuff because you pledged a higher amount? No. What’s your favorite comic book/graphic novel? I don't have one. What’s something you can do without looking/with your eyes closed? Type. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? If so, what is the combination and what does it mean? No. What was the last thing you swore at? I don't know. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? Ugh no. Let's not remind myself of dark times or more specifically cringy ones. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I don't find any really funny. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Ummm "fancy" clothing brands, to name one of the top contenders. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? If so, what did you do with it? Maybe a cat? I don't think so, though. Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? My recovery. What is something you have a lot of experience in? I guess photography? What’s the biggest magnet on your fridge? I don't feel like going to check. Do you prefer things (movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh? Entertainment media rarely actually scares me, but I prefer "scary" stuff. Were you born with naturally straight teeth? Well, I had to get braces, so I would assume not? Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I avoid OTCs when I can; I'm on enough prescribed stuff. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? Sour. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? No. Are fireworks illegal to buy where you live? The big ones, yes. People still go to Myrtle Beach on the SC side to buy them tho. Can you talk and work at the same time? No. Do you care more about yourself or more about others? This really depends on what the situation is... and my state of mind at the time. But I think usually myself? It used to be others, but I learned how unhealthy that can be. Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? I get bored excruciatingly easily. How often do you re-watch/re-read things or are you more ‘once only’? I'm typically an "only once" person. What color ink do you prefer writing in? Black? Have you inherited any garments from your parents or grandparents? I don't think so. When was the last time you visited the doctor? Why did you go? Around a week ago to get my vitamin D re-checked. Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes. Who was the last non-relative you rode in a vehicle with? My VR coach. What movie are you looking forward to coming out? I will be seeing the live action TLK as fast as physically possible. What was the title of the last song you listened to? "God Hates Your Outfit" lmao. ^Who performs it? Jeffree Star. Can you do a backflip? No. Is your car newer than a 2004? I don't have my own car. Who is the lead singer of your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. How would you feel if you knew you were adopted? If I grew up knowing, I wouldn't feel much of anything new besides the fact I'd be grateful as hell someone chose me. If I just suddenly found out, I'd be inexplicably shocked and furious I was never told. Do you have freckles? No. Do you have dimples? Very clearly on my left cheek, and I have a super shallow one on the right that used to be more apparent. And I have back dimples. When was the last time you went fishing? When Sara was here in June last year. Do you know anyone with a pet that has your name? No. Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years? Most likely not. What was the last injury you received? Probably something from Roman playing. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yeah. Do you regret it? No. Do you ever get in weird moods and listen to music you normally hate? Very rarely I listen to pop from when I was a kid. How old is the oldest person you’ve dated? Well, we "dated" for less than a day, but idk. I'd guess he's 27-ish now? Have you ever tried a colorful macaroon? No. What’s the last thing you made out of clay? An anatomical heart, I think? Did you learn to type through a computer program for kids? Not really for kids? We took them in middle school, and they weren't like, super kiddy. How many years were you homeschooled? I never was. What color is the tree outside your window? Uhhh probably green? I don't wanna get up and look. What do you take for pain? Advil/Ibuprofen. Which pharmacy do you use? Harris Teeter. What is this month’s calendar picture? Don't have a calendar. Is there a coffee shop in your town that’s better than Starbucks? N/A Who has the best personality on YouTube? Shane Dawson's is probably the most universally likable, I think. Have you ridden your bike yet this year? I don't have one anymore. What does your bike look like? N/A Who are your favorite kids that you’ve babysat? I babysat only once and hated it. Not the kid, just the duty. Who is your favorite cousin? I don't have a favorite. Does one side of your family live in another state? Both sides do. What states did your parents grow up in? New York and Ohio. What, if anything, are you severely allergic to? Severely, nothing. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to an insect? No, thankfully. Do you spill food on yourself while you eat? Not often. What is a topic you like to answer questions on the most? Meerkats or Mark. Have you ever seen a queen bee outside its hive? I have no clue. Which Clue (or Cluedo) character is your favorite? I was always Miss Scarlet because even as a kid I knew she was hot stuff. Do you watch any old films? If so, name a few of your favorites. I don't really watch movies period. But a few I like are The Outsiders, Old Yeller, Johnny Got His Gun, A Raisin In The Sun, Steel Magnolias... lots of others, really. Just not many are coming to mind immediately. Who are some of your classic era film actors and actresses, if any? Idk. Do you have any novelty ice cube trays? No. Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? The only ex who I'm aware even loved me in the first place is Jason, and I probably wouldn't say anything. Got a very strong feeling my PTSD would literally erupt like goddamn Saint Helen and I'd leave the situation in the blink of an eye. I don't love him anymore, and I don't even know if I'd believe him telling me that now, but I know damn well it would fuck with me. Would you ever work at a movie theater? It sure as hell wouldn't be my first pick. At least here, they're grossly underpaid and overworked. Do you have a phone charger in your car? If you have a specific type of cord. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my mom. Dad's like... 20-ish minutes away, if that? Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? Mom is always with me. Do you like pineapple on pizza? Never tried, never want to. I can just about guarantee I would positively loathe it. Sweet and savory don't mix with me. Do you like to hold hands? With my s/o and I'm comfortable with them, yeah. What’s a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? 13 Reasons Why. How many times have you been in love? Twice. Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? However old I was in the 7th grade. Last thing you cooked? Toaster strudels in the toaster oven. Movie you want to see? I wanna see the newest HTTYD soooo badly, but I doubt I'll get the chance while it's in theaters. Ever spent the night in a tent? Yeah. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy. The others are dead. Can you snap your fingers? Poorly with my right hand. Can you wink? Only with my right eye. How many keys do you carry with you? One. How well do you know the people you live with? Well, she's my mom and we're very close. Do you own any jerseys? No. Who knows your biggest secrets? Sara. Have you ever ran from your own parents? No. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Do you crack your knuckles? I physically can't, and besides, the sound is disgusting to me. Who IMed you on Facebook last? Girt. Could you see yourself dropping out of high school? I'm long out of high school, and I didn't. Do you have any personal fashion rules that revolve around your own preferences/body type (e.g., you never/always wear a certain color, sleeve type, or length of dress)? I don't wear shorts, tight shirts, dresses, skirts, crop tops, I wouldn't dare touch a romper, I highly doubt I'd wear yellow... just to name the ones that came to me immediately. Do you remember any celebrity whose style you admired when you were a teen? What do you think of that style now? YO Avril Lavigne was my emo model okay. She's still a queen. The last time you had a conflict with someone else, did you confront them about it or keep it to yourself? Do you think it would have been better or worse to do the opposite? Uhhh... I don't remember who this was. When you finally make a decision to do something you have been contemplating for a while, do you become highly anxious and motivated to do it right away? Yup. When you were a kid did you make up lies about your life to make yourself seem more interesting? Alternatively, did you know kids who told these stories and did you believe them? Bitch I made up that a talking wolf came to me and gave me animal powers and the rule was I could only tell three people. I was a fucking weird kid. I know others who have made things up, too. Can you think of a moment from your childhood that was totally “on brand” for you, or consistent with your adult personality? I'm sure there's something, but nothing's coming to me rn. Have you ever warned someone else about something, whether it was about a person in their life or an oncoming weather event? Yup, in numerous scenarios. So, is it "gif" with a hard G or soft G? I say both, but "jiff" more frequently. Is there a book or movie that you thought was about something completely different from what it actually ended up being about? What did you think it would be? Maybe... Is there an item that you bought on a whim, but now consider it a crucial part of your life and you would or have purchased it again? I have no clue.

[etherealskeletons]

not to sound dramatic or anything but anytime someone like my dad or anyone i really care about feels like, sick or in pain im suddenly hit with this big fuckin wave of nausea and i feel dizzy nd anxious nd terrible like i feel like im gonna CRY and meltdown hghgh

and it happens A LOT and im kinda use to it,, but lately ts been pretty bad because my dad doesnt take care of himself [ever, he never takes care of himself] and he has a lot of problems bc of it and i feel like its MY responsibility and i feel like im a terrible person or caretaker or parent or whatever the fuck i even am for not like nagging him to make appointments and for not going to the dentist and for not exercising or doing a good diet or for going to a therapist bc im not qualified to hear and try to fix every problem he has

and i feel like i should be better and i shouldbt be like this like i have no reason to bel ike this but i am and i need to fucking stop being like this because im almost fucking 23 and that fucks me up like jesus chirst im almost 23 and i have NOTHING together!!!!! but back on topic its always been like this its ALWAYS been like this like i always had to be the strong one the parent the responsible one the one to fix everything and calm everyone down and i have to do it i have to be the adult ive been since i was like 8 

bUT i feel like i cant do anything because im always feeling like im sinking or frozen like i cant do anything i just hate everything i feel like all my emotions are just fucking fucked up like sometimees ill feel this extreme loathing at myself and this gross anxiety that im not good enough or that im not doing enough and everyone hates me and i need to hide away from everyone and everything because im this disgusting cockroach that has no right to exist. and the next thing i know im feeling nothing at all like everything is just hazy and im not real and its like i m in a dream or something. i dont know

i just have my own problems and i have so much to do but i cant do i t i just feel paralyzed i just want to curl up into a ball and just disappear because im just a fuckin failure and im failing everyone around me nad i dont want to be responsible for anyone but i feel like i have to be because i always have been and because my dad doesnt do anything for himself to help himself lik e i have to save him and fix him otherwise ill lose him and i dont wanna lose him hhff hff i fucking hate everything