#the coworker told me later that he had been like upset because he didnt get to say goodbye to me and he was like

[anotherpapercut]

one of the 3rd graders at work has become very attached to me recently and does not want to leave my side and today he had to go home while he was in another room and one of my coworkers said over the walkie "*kids name* really wants to come say goodbye to you, Orion. he's on his way" and a few seconds later he like burst through the doors, hugged me super tight, and then ran back out of the room. I almost cried

[ebdanon]

we're a different breed of christianity here so easter is tomorrow and she asked what plans we had for lunch. we said we had none aside from visiting my family as tradition some time during the day. and she went off. it was 7pm when she started, it ended at 11. so when she asked what shes done wrong toward me, i said "do you want me to behind with how you've called me a piece of shit, or do you want me to end with how you've caller me a piece or shit?" which left my fil speechless and my mil claiming shes never done that. and my husband butted in about how she's shit talked my family members - dead or alive, who she does and doesnt know, like a phone book. the names she's called my husband. how she keeps cursing everyone (its difficult to translate from my native language but it's basically something like "if ive ever done that i should drop dead right now, or if you dont do this i will drop dead right now, or i swear i have/havent done this on (insert person's) life) which is largely considered a sin here. she's cursed my niece that way so many times since we've been here, swearing on her life. the poor kid's been sick every few weeks. im not saying im superstitious but im a little stitious. she stopped mentioning the niece and started mentioning her own life. a bit later was when the oven door incident happened. i cant not be a little stitious. last night she cursed my husband and i's any future kids me might have, and any kids they might have. shes done that before but my fil never believed it because he wasnt around to hear it, until last night. i spoke up and started talking back and she let completely loose and for the first time my fil heard all the things she'd been saying he didnt believe. they slept in separate rooms after. last night's additions to the spreadsheet include how well i keep fucking my husband over to ruin his life and the relationship he has with his parents because i control him, and my parents control me; that we dont need to involve ourselves in anything theirs, we can go be happy with my parents since we're so happy listening to them; that my shit grandma told my mil how whatever my nice grandma gives her she should throw out because it's likely cursed with a spell; she also made up that the nice one said the same thing about the shit one which is impossible because she's not the one that believes in that kind of bs;

anyway, i was so over it i told her to please keep talking, so i would finally actually start recording her like she accused me of doing, so maybe we can actually make something from the scenarios she makes up in her head. because apparently she sees me as the worst thing in existence, like hitler (i wanted to say the devil but i didnt wanna go into her imaginary witchcraft bs), in charge of directing the movie where everyone is against her. she kept making up more and more things i dont remember half of it tbh, im gonna chat with my husband to jog my memory some time in the next few days. many times in the past, shes left the room claiming she was going to call my parents to ask them to stop giving us instructions. she did that last night, came back waving the phone around and her mask slipped when she noticed the phone was hung up. she got even more upset as to why my mom would hang up. my fil was appalled and grabbed the phone from her. hes the one that likes being in charge of airing dirty laundry to the public (he's shit talked his kids to coworkers so many times, in front of his granddaughter, my niece, that reports to her mom, my sil, who tells us all about it). i got texts from my family asking if im okay and whats happening, everyone was concerned, so i asked my mom what happened. she said my mil called her a bunch of times in a few minutes, screaming about something she couldnt get (im sure she know what that something is but doesnt want to say it) and i asked how many times has my mil done that. she said she didn't really remember. so, many times id guess, each time she threatened to do so maybe. i asked my mom to tell me next time she does that.

mil said she's call my whole family in the morning to let them know how horrible we are, and how we treat her badly. she went downstairs to talk to my sil for a good 15-20mins, and thats when my fil continued berating but not screaming. asking why i didn't follow doctors recommendations from the doctors he recommended. i told him bc the recommendations dont make sense, just as they didnt last year for his son and he was the one to say so. i shared about some horrible experiences with other doctors ive had which shook him. one obgyn told me id never be able to have kids after learning ive been on birth control for almost a decade at that point. she was wrong of course, so i stopped going to her, but her saying that shook me. i got a second opinion. i know fil wants a grandkid so i threw that at him, skipping over the birth control bit because my in laws hate that im on in, side note they also think tampons are unhealthy (what i use). i told him it doesnt make sense to take meds if the doc seems incompetent to ME, and i have no medical experience. you dont look at a young healthy thin person and throw beta blockers because of high blood pressure that miraculously goes down on its own after a few hours. especially since i was under observation at the hospital the first few times and they administered them to me and nothing happened. he wasnt listening the whole time and tried twisting some info around but i think my husband and i got through to him. she came back and continued screaming, calling me names, saying im the same as her sil(the one she claims is a witch) and i kept calmly responding. she asked what gave me the idea she has a problem with me and i listed off all the curses and shit talking, she said im imagining it. started making excuses. how she didnt shit talk my aunt, i misunderstood, she was just upset her son wasnt well. ah, but ive been staring at that spreadsheet for so long i have the quotes memorized. and started shit talking her again. that's the only time i yelled. i screamed "you are doing it right now". i dont scream. im a very quiet person. i had to be quiet growing up with my parents who are similar. the room went quiet when i screamed. and she left.

anyway, woke up today to her screaming at her husband again, she screamed at him last night too because he wasn't on her side after we talked to him while she was downstairs. she called my sil after everything, my sil learned all the issues mil has are actually from my fil. he's the one filling her head with garbage and she's too easy to upset. but they both have different talking points and lie a lot so i find it hard to believe.

i have other notes i forgot to mention throughout all this but i have to go now

<3

im surprised your husband is a normal human being after being raised by those crackpots jesus christ 😭 im glad you’re standing up to them because they sound like absolute nightmares to deal with day to day

also the beef she has with your parents is absolutely crazy

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[honeygrandpa]

i think one reason i stay away from body positivity stuff is there is usually so much hate in the replies/notes/comments and i am too fragile for that! when assholes on the internet say that fat people are lazy and unhealthy and shouldn’t love their bodies, it really sucks but it’s all a lot more complex than that!!

it’s not really just that i dont love my body or that these strangers dont love my body, i’m upset about the ed that my mom forced on me and normalized since i was 12! i was encouraged to “fast” (starve myself while i was just starting puberty), take diet supplements, eat sugar free/diet food and snacks, count my calories, use an app to check my calories, check my weight weekly, and drink protein shakes instead of eating! all while my little brother was allowed to eat whatever he wanted and i was a kid with a sweet tooth so obviously whenever i had access to sugar, i would binge on it! it felt like it wasnt fair that i couldnt eat what other kids could and fairness has always been really important to me! i’m upset that i have never felt like i could wear the clothes that i wanted to, mostly because my mom told me i looked fat in photos! but i really really really love and always have loved fashion but i couldnt wear it like my skinny step sisters could! so then i stopped letting people take photos of me and only wore very baggy t shirts! i dont have very many pictures of myself from the age of 12-20 besides very edited selfies! if i let myself get in a group picture, i would be standing behind my shorter friends and you couldnt even see me! i don’t have a single picture of just me from my first trip out of the country except for a shitty selfie with the david because i wouldnt let anyone take pictures of me! i have felt like an outsider since i was 12 years old, i couldnt eat like my friends, dress like my friends, ididnt wear a bathing suit without shorts and a tshirt until i was 21! i would sit in gym class and look at how fat my legs were in my shorts so i started wearing sweats, even though i would get hot and couldnt participate as well! i would walk the mile run because i didnt want anyone to make fun of the fat kid for sweating and having a red face and being out of breath. literally didnt matter that i played soccer and basketball all year round, i was out of shape because i didnt want anyone seeing me a fat person breathing hard! i didn’t date because i didn’t want anyone to touch me and i wouldn’t believe anyone that said they were attracted to me! it is important to note that i wasnt actually what most people would consider fat for most of this!! i only started to get fat later in high school when my mom moved to a different state without me so i had to couch surf but i literally didnt know that i wasnt always fat because i was just starting to look the way i was convinced i already looked! i am still not sure that i know what i look like!!

i was older than all of my friends were when i lost my virginity but i was absolutely not ready so age is not a good indicator of that at all. i decided to lose my virginity to a stranger because i figured the worst that could happen would just be rejected by someone that doesnt mean anything to me because i didnt believe that anyone that was matching with me on tinder would actually be attracted to me if we met in person.

so yea now im losing weight and im mostly doing it because i cant explain all of this to people when they make me feel less than for being fat. i am not eating to enjoy the food i eat but im eating just enough to be full and im avoiding sugar and carbs and trying to be better about sticking to veggies and protein, and im walking my dogs and jogging and my job is very active. but the main reason im actually losing weight right now is because i am taking weight loss medications perscribed by my doctor that can have serious negative side effects on my health. but i just want to be able to enjoy food like everyone else without people looking at me differently. i really cant even tell how much of it is paranoia and how often people actually do judge what i eat because obviously i only know for sure when people verbalize it but i feel like it’s happening all the time. at work a client brought in donuts for everyone and i asked if they were for everyone and she said “for you??” in a very specific voice that said i shouldnt eat donuts because they wouldnt be good for me. this same coworker told me that my clothes were too big for me and i was like yes? and she said “that was a compliment”

i understand that i need to love myself no matter what body im in or whatever and im trying to but even if i change MY mindset, i cant change the mindset of everyone else around me. i also understand that i really need to work on my social anxiety because that would maybe help me care less about what everyone else around me has to say about my body but i really cant imagine getting there and im talking to my therapist and taking my antidepressant and it still seems very unrealistic

anyway!!! sorry for that!! just saw some really nasty fatphobic comments on a post about bmi and im not sure why i even looked at the comments! guess i just love suffering!!

[oh-soitsautism]

Autism Problem (kinda)

I was told that I had to change how I take my breaks at work, basically to take them earlier in the night rather than later.

When the first manager to mention it told me, I asked what the reasoning was so I could understand, and he said it was a morale issue because my coworkers were getting upset with me. And that was upsetting in it's own way but it was straightforward feedback that I appreciated and was fine receiving

Then the next day I worked with a manager who said that the reason was because it was easier for management to keep track of breaks when they're earlier and that it helps the flow of the shift that way, and that as far as she knew there was never any kind of morale problem in the kitchen because of me

So then I was upset because the feedback was conflicting and I didnt know what the issue was, which meant I didnt know where I stood with my coworkers, and I didn't know if one manager or the other was wrong or they were both right and just hadn't communicated

I dont mind feedback - I crave it, I go out of my way to ask for it - but inconsistent and conflicting feedback is worse than not getting any feedback at all!!

So then I had to go to the other managers and figure out what the situation was and whether I was doing something wrong or just not doing it the preferred way and I probably seemed really frustrated about it because in my mind it felt like I got the rug pulled out from underneath me

And now I think I've burned a bridge or two and the managers think I cant handle any feedback well because of how I reacted to that situation and it's like!!!

Don't give me conflicting feedback you assholes!! Dont tell me one day that it's because the kitchen workers have been upset with me for years and then tell me the next day that no it's actually just a professional consistency time thing!!

Like obviously I'm going to be frustrated by that!

[danchelle09]

Wednesday night I got into a heated "argument" with my brother in law about different types of rape and about consent. During this I dropped hints of my own experience with a male who took advantage of me. I didn't at first out right say "this happen to me" but I used parts of my own encounter to talk about the topics. At some point in the conversation he decided to say that things like cuddling and making out "could give the wrong idea and lead them on".....at that point I fucking lost it and may have gotten a little graphics with my words when I finally said "this has happen to me and IT WAS NOT MY FAULT "!! Since that night I have been thinking about the actual incident. It still hurts a lot. I still blame myself even when I KNOW IT WASN'T MY FAULT. He begged and begged and begged to let him eat me out, to just let him have a taste. Even though I said over and over I didnt think that's a good idea because I knew you will want to go further and I was not ready to go there yet. But you still begged and promised that it's okay of I didn't want to and that we didn't have to and it wouldn't lead to that. So I fucking caved. I let you go down on me. While you were you decided to pull your pants down and playing with yourself and I was only aware of that because you came to kiss me and I felt you had no longer had pants on. I covered myself. You told me to "relax" and that you wouldn't put your penis inside me. You just wanted a kiss. I believed you. I tried to relax. I uncovered myself. You kissed me while putting your penis inside me. I pushed you away. I told you I was upset and hurt. You told me I was over reacting. You told me you "didn't mean to" and that we should just go have dinner and come back and watch wrestling. How does one "accidentally" put their penis in someone? Too bad I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and still liked you at that moment. I had to still process what had happen. Yes, I ate dinner. Yes, I went back and watched wrestling. The whole time all I did was think about what had happen. How could he do that? I liked him. I thought he cared. Why would he say he wouldn't do that very thing he did? Once he fell asleep I switched bed and tried to fall asleep. We were in a hotel because he had came to visit me. He had just gotten out of an "abusive" relationship and wanted to reconnect with me. I thought he cared. He clearly did not. The next day, at work, when talking to my coworker/bestie(who is an ex sexual assault advocate) I realized what you did to me was a form of rape. You may not have held me down and raped me but what you did was definitely a form of sexual assault. I seriously hope no other lady has had to have the same experience or worse. I hate seeing that you get to have fame. Articles written about you. Calling you an "unlikely hero". You getting to win title belts and make a good name for yourself in the business I have loved since a child. I am scared to goto independent shows because I don't want you to working one. I am scared that one day you may end up on my TV. On AEW/IMPACT/ROH/WWE. I don't want to have to give up soemthing I have cared so much about bevause you have tainted it for me. I also hear you and your band got signed to a record lable, I don't want your music to play on my radio or anywhere else. I don't want you to have anything good. You don't deserve it. Multiple years later I am still effected my your actions and you get to just carry on like nothing happen. It's not okay.

[pbandjesse]

Today was stupid. It wasn't all bad but like it was. Stupid. I got to rest and hang out and that was nice.

I slept okay last night. I woke up a few times because I was cold but my extra blanket helped a lot. My toes hurt fron the stitching in my socks which was annoying. But it wasnt the worst sleep. I had a cough but I felt okay. Mom had texted me that she found a furby at a thrift store and bought it for me and it made me feel all warm inside. I got a good good mom.

I had a soda and we got everything ready. We had a really fun gun drill. And the firing was really loud and good. But I had a lot of stress because my poor boyfriend was over at thr submarine with a bunch of Nazis. I have basically decided I am making a complaint to our parent company. This whole thing should not have been allowed to go on. I'll keep yall updated. But the anger and sadness from my boyfriend and my coworkers was heartbreaking. This was an embaresment to the organization and they owe us an apology for it.

When we got over to Taney it was all we could talk about. James was so upset and couldn't come to brunch with us, or go to the museum with me, he just needed to be alone. I get it, but i hated seeing him like that.

So he went home. And me and Jordan and Brandon and Coner went to IHOP and spent the next hour talking about nazis and the ethics of reenacting. It was eyeopening and made me really decide that standing up against this is in order. Stand up now or regret it for the rest of your life, ya know?

We also talked about Irish immigrants, bevause Coner is from Ireland, and that was fascinating too. It was nice to be able to flex some of my knowledge that I don't get to do often.

After brunch i went and caught the bus home. I got a shower and cut my leg and it wouldnt stop bleeding and was very annoyed by it. I called my dad and told him what happened, what I decided to do. It was good to be able to talk to him.

After I got off the phone with him i watched videos and dozed. Fell asleep later in the afternoon. Woke up before 5. Had the rest of my mini potatoes and a sandwich. I didnt feel good when i got up but after sone asprin and food i felt better.

Im hanging out with sweetp and using my new little space heater. James is going to come by for a cuddle. And im going to pick some outfits for the week. And get some sleep.

I am teaching tomorrow. Looking forward to my kids. Im really hoping to use my morning wisely. But its hard when im feeling so exhausted all the time. But im gonna try.

I hope you all sleep well. Have a good night. Tomorrow will be better!

[snflwrlulu]

June 12 2022

Happy Halloween And HAPPY every other holiday that comes after it my Tumblr survivors <3

Its been a long year and this one isnt even finished yet i believe the last time we spoke i was still a 2.0 student and had hopes for my future well a lot has change since that thats for sure… I turned 21 and had a small party that most of my friends didnt show to there was a piñata in the shape of a tequila bottle that I didn’t get to break because i was to busy eating jello shots and drinking double shots.. long story short i didnt get drunk and i didnt get a hangover which i am thankful for i did gain closeness with a guy friend who showed out of nowhere the next day and asked if i wanted to date him and when i said he had to at least try first he said he wouldnt even know how to so that was a dead end that 3 months later then argued with me on Dms over how gross beer is.. later asked to go out and walk at the park which i said yes to because i was feeling like i was trapped at my own house. All while i was having a life crisis over how alone i was and how i needed friends AND how terrible i was doing in school. Anyways… he told me his life story and i told him mine thinking we bonded he then asked permission to kiss me and to hold my hand and i let him and that was the moment everything went down hill. He asked if I’d take his virginity which I hesitated to but eventually agreed to do it… i was many of his firsts but i did not go through with the plan he had… as we talked we got closer and well i thought there was a connection, which he then ruined with jealousy and the art of trying to make my traumas of the last les valid than his and this was a red flag. His coworker at the tome happened to be a friend of mine from when i was a little girl still innocent to the world when i was 12, i asked for his info because how small could the world ever get and he got upset we argued all night and he then said “i hope you two are happy together” and he blocked me. Being the petty girly i am i blocked him back on all the socials he had and that ended things for us or so i thought but the universe had other plans for us. My friend will call him “J” said he had just gotten married and i was so happy for him it feels like everyone has life figured out but me. He would ask everyday about the boy who tried so much to make me feel so little defended him but that was all there was to it he was a married man and i would never. 1 month passed and i was not over it because my biggest flaw is getting to attached to people that deserve less of me. 3 months passed and i thought less of him only sometimes he would come up in my thoughts or only when “J” would bring him up but i was more stressed about finals coming up. 6 months went by and i had completely moved on and blocked him from my hear, “J” stopped talking about him after that one chat of the boy that lived in my mimd was trying to go out with another girl which he respected because he took her out on dinners or to dates like the movies but she called them “hang outs” and he had a double thought in his mind for them but she did not. Maybe i’m an easy girl or maybe i wasnt enough but still the universe put him back on my path. After failing my 2021 fall finals i must’ve cried at how sad my life was… i had no job, a 1.67 gpa, i was on probation and no guy would even look at me.as spring started my best friend got a girlfriend and he stop speaking to me with the excuse that he had to take a break from his phone and social media which i will always believe it was code for “i cant talk to you anymore youre getting clingy go away” he built us a life together and i still cant believe he left that day i think he was the only person i thought wouldnt abandon me but in the end he was fixed and he got up and left. Like he always did. i mad friends in my spring semester which I absolutely love. There is also many pictures of me at many events around campus because even stressing i decided to give no fucks and just live for a moment for my own university experience.

I missed all of this… Happy Sunday :)

[livininnovember]

.

Okay friends I need to rant about my bf and it’s not even ranting I just need to voice my concerns

Okay okay by now we have established he is madly in love with me and adores me and that’s why he can say lines in front of everyone

But yesterday we were cuddling and talking about anything lol and in between conversations he would go in for kisses and when he would low key start making out with me his hands would take a position. Like when he normally cuddles me one hand is behind my head to pillow it and the other is just somewhere normally on my thigh or on my waist but I’m very ticklish so placements r limited

BUT YESTERDAY his hand was on my rib cage like the lower lung area lol and when he would go into kiss his hand would go up and I just !!!! Like was it a conscious moment? And it was cuz he asked after “is it okay if I touch u” and I just “touch me where???” and he “👀 If u have to ask” so because I’m ticklish I said idk, like idk I guess u could try but like who knows - like idk but his hand would go up whenever we kissed and oajwlwjkqjsjsns it tickled so I’d stop kissing him to push his hand away cuz tickles. Wow English hard.

But then I got this like panic today like “if I have sex with him do I have to continue forever?? What if I can’t keep up with that???” Like idk maybe I am ace cuz the thought of like having to be sexually active is kinda not fun for me. But also like .. I really like him but like idk he just needs so much affection and stuff I just can’t imagine having to continue giving more and more. LIKE I JUST HAD MY FIRST KISS 3 MONTHS AGO NOW I GOTTA DO ALL THIS?

Like I really like him but I just 😵‍💫 oh boy… I can’t keep up with him! And he tells me “let me know if I’m going to fast” and I don’t think he is lol I’m just overthinking it… constantly

And it’s only been 4 months since weve been official so I have a lot of concerns like following up with this- but I so badly just want to fall asleep with him and he always tells me he wants to wake up next to me 🥺 I just … I have concerns that I don’t want to keep this up if he’s not my forever person or if he is .. how do I keep up with him 😵‍💫 idk what I’m voicing but idk… like I’m already so attached to him I don’t want to have that opening to get hurt yknow?

Omg and another concern - the longest rant ever omg I apologize

So he has this best friend - let’s call her E, she’s a nice girl very extroverted and kind. When I first met her I had no idea who she was and she told me she thinks my bf is in love with me cuz he only ever talks about how happy I make him which like (✿◕‿◕) wow no surprise but also jfc that’s a lot of responsibility

But through her I found out he’s her best friend when all this time my guy was telling me she’s just a coworker. And I would later find out things like his cat was her families cat so I was just kinda sus cuz why tf my guy ain’t tell me all that? Wth

But recently my guy has been kinda shit talking her like he complains that when they’re at work she only does hw, she low key was playing this guy cuz she was talking to her ex, recently he said he was neutral about their relationship but then she was an hour late for work cuz she fell asleep at his place and that this wasn’t the first time their relationship (whatever it is) has affected her work. So I was like “oh I probably shouldn’t bring her up he’s probably upset by her” BUT THEN HE WENT AND GOT LUNCH WITH HER THE NEXT DAY AND EXCHANGED GIFTS LIKE HE JUST DIDNT SHIT TALK HER??? Like how am I supposed to view her?? Like I am a jealous person by nature idk I’m born like this. I know she’s not a threat or anything but I just ??? Like ??? Either he has a really great best friend or she’s doing more than a best friend would.

Also lol adding to the longest rant ever

He farted in front of me which was extremely funny we just laughed for a good 10 minutes but that makes me feel better cuz like yeah next step is me feeling comfortable pooping in his bathroom lol

[lcedtea]

felt moved today by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and many other sexual assault survivors who have been publicly telling their stories lately. i believe them and am inspired by them. and for those who aren’t telling their stories publicly, i fucking believe you too and am just as inspired. you aren’t imagining it. you didn’t make it up. your story is valid and real and I FUCKING BELIEVE YOU! because of incredible survivors i finally have the courage to tell my own story. for the first time ever, i am beginning to believe myself.

when i was 6 a pediatrician who looked like dr. phil blocked my mother’s view with his body and stuck his fingers inside of me during a “routine check-up”

when i was 15, a boy asked me out and i said no because i didn’t really know him and wasn’t all that attracted to him. but he was persistent and asked again, wondering why i didnt want to date him in the first place, and i started to think my reasoning wasn’t all that valid. i didn’t want to hurt his feelings and told myself to give him a chance. so i said yes. we ended up dating for 1.5 years.

one of the first times we hung out, he decided that it was time we move further and asked for a blowjob. i was very hesitant, but he assured me it was easy, and, being that we couldn’t hang out alone at either of our houses, told me we would do it in the woods. i dreaded that walk we took into the woods. it was fall, and it was cold. he sat on a log and made me get on my knees in the soggy leaves. he held my head down even when i wanted to stop.

we would skype. i just wanted to talk to him at night; have some sort of presence with me as i did homework or watched tv. he would soon escalate it by begging me to take my clothes off (for whatever, embarrassing, teenage reason, he would refer to me taking my clothes off as a ‘tour’). “pleease, just one small tour?!” he also begged me to finger myself on camera while he jerked off; i didn’t even know how to finger myself. but i did it anyway. if i refused, he would get pouty and upset, and i’d feel like i did something wrong. for the first 16 years of my life, i didn’t know masturbating could be fun. i associated it with pain and humiliation.

he would verbally abuse me; one particular recurring comment being that i had a “big jew nose”, another calling me “fat”. when i showed anger or sadness towards these comments, he would utter what is now one of the *most* triggering sentences for me to hear: “relax! it’s just a joke.” could i not take the joke?

we broke up. a guy at work started to show interest in me. i was 16 and he was 19 or 20, but he had known me since i was 13. i was desperate for attention and felt special knowing an older guy was into me - especially because he had just broken up with his very hot, popular, cheerleader girlfriend. so when he offered to give me a ride home i was ecstatic. we started up making out in his car, and somehow ended up in a field laying down. he suddenly stuck his hands down my pants and painfully fingered me. i didn’t say anything even though it hurt. he had made it clear he would talk about me to my coworkers and had the potential to get me fired if i ever crossed him (he was a manager). i will never forget the pair of pink cutoff shorts i was wearing

later that night, he asked me if i wanted to have sex in his car. i stuttered and didn’t really answer; i think i said something along the lines of “i’ve never done this before.” he laughed at me and said “youve never had sex in a car before?” as if it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. i did mean that, but i also meant i’d never had sex, period - but i wasn’t about to admit that. he made me feel stupid, like a baby, and i wanted to feel sexy and desired. so i told him no, i had, just not like this and he was satisfied enough with that to pull me into his backseat and start fingering me again. he was on top and pulled out a condom, and i remember how hard it was for me to breathe, and how i kept trying - in between his sloppy tongue in my mouth - to tell him i didnt want to. when i wasn’t getting as wet as he wanted, he told me he didn’t have lube and that he wanted to stop. HE wanted to stop. He said the timing just wasn’t right. i felt so disgusted; both in that i let him do that to me and in that maybe i did something wrong to turn him off.

when i was 18 i was a chaperone on a field trip for a school i worked at. while there, i was paired with another chaperone who i had never met before. he was about 25. we were supposed to watch our group of kids and take them to different exhibits. instead, he asked me about my race, experience with drugs, and insisted we had matched on tinder, even though i told him repeatedly that wasn’t possible as i’d had a boyfriend for 2 years. he insisted we did, that i was his “dream girl”, and even knew my facebook name (which is not my real name). this was alarming to me and i tried to keep my distance, though it was impossible as we had to stay together to watch the kids. he was kind of funny, and i warmed up a bit to him as the day went on, so much so that when it ended he asked me for a ride home. “i only live 5 min away, i swear,” he said. so, against my better judgement, i gave him a ride. we talked music in the car and he made sure to let me know his taste in music was superior to mine. i parked in the driveway of his house, waiting for him to get out. he asked me if i wanted to come in and smoke; i said no. he lingered. then he leaned in to kiss me. my reflexes kicked in, so i turned away and he ended up kissing my cheek. he then ran into the house. later, when confronting him, he chalked this incident up to “working a lot with Latina women, who kiss as a sign of friendliness”. i felt so icky and uncomfortable that i had a hard time focusing in my class that night. what provoked him to do that? what had i done to lead him on? everything i said pointed to that i was uninterested, and yet he still did it.

earlier this year, a college professor who i really liked and admired from a professional standpoint came into my studio for a scheduled visit. noticing i was stressed, he chuckled as he stood behind me (i was sitting in a chair) and massaged my shoulders. “gotta relieve the tension somehow, huh?” is what he said when he did that. even typing this now, i feel silly, because i know that’s not rape or sexual assault and he meant well. but that’s just my inner doubt that’s been engrained into my head all these years. what he did was creepy and wrong. i need to believe myself.

survivors, i hear you and i believe you and i stand with you. you are fucking strong, as cliche as that sounds, it’s so true - WE are strong mentally and emotionally. I BELIEVE US.

[aspiringglowworm]

July 20, 2018

2:40am

Cant sleep. Dont want to sleep. Have to be ready to head to my 2nd job location bright and early. Lauren is going to come pick me up so that we can go together. Ive gotta get my stuff packed to take back to my normal location, but we also are going to talk to Donna a bit about transferring. There are some details that need to be worked out, but lets be real. At this point, Ill just kinda take what I can get to get out of Rick’s store. We’ll talk to Donna to see what she can do for us and then Lauren will contact Chad later in the day. Lauren and I will probably have time for lunch before work, so Im hoping we can go somewhere, have lunch, and talk and vent. This is all such bullshit. I didnt even get to enjoy my first days off that I had in almost 2 weeks. I was sick as fuck on Tuesday, which was suppose to be my last day at the 2nd location. No phone service, so all i could do was pm everyone i had facebook info for. never got through to anyone and just have to hope donna and shane arent upset with me. still sick on wednesday, my first scheduled day off since the 5th. thursday rolls around and i get pms saying rick and kristina want me to call them. they are mad i no showed on wednesday???? they are the ones who TOLD me to take wednesday off so id have two days off in a row, which i normally dont have or want. got to spend all thursday in bed, panic attacks one after another. i dont want to go back. ive been at home 3 days and spent maybe a total of 30 minutes with my son because ive been so fucking stressed that ive isolated myself in the guest room on the other side of the house of my entire family.

i feel like im falling apart. i worked for so long to get onto the career path that im on. i miss when i enjoyed my job and my work. had pride in my work. i dont anymore. i dont enjoy the building, my coworkers, my clients, or the dogs. i dont enjoy my dogs at home, but they are mostly richards so im stuck with them. Im looking into rehoming my cats. Im thinking about getting out of reptiles almost entirely, except a few special ones, that at this point are primarily the ones my sister likes. i have no connection to them at all anymore. i have beautiful babies in the incubator right now that i have zero interest in. both of my hatched clutches gave me the exact baby i was looking for and im thinking about selling them. i have eggs due to hatch in 4 days and i couldnt give less of a shit if i tried.

i know what my shrink will ask if i go to her. what am i doing for fun? ill have to lie. i will tell her im drawing. i havent in over a year. i will tell her im going birdwatching. 2 years since the last time i pulled my binoculars out of their bag.

she’ll tell me im looking good. that ive lost weight. i will beam and tell her im working on it. i wont tell her that im only drinking a small protein drink in the morning and nothing else the entire day. i wont tell her im having to force that drink down cause my body wants nothing to do with it. i wont tell her i dont remember the last time i was hungry or enjoyed the taste of food.

i dont remember the last time i felt this empty or this ready to give up everything i have. maybe i could just start over. new job in a new town. just my little boy and me. we could get a little 1 bedroom apartment for now. he wont need his own room for quite some time. just the 2 of us. no pets. no other responsibilities. just my little boy and me.

3:08am now. Maybe I’ll try to at least rest my weary eyes and my aching body for the next 3 hours before my day begins.

[shametheshadow]

I am done. So done. So fucking done!

I am sick and tired of being totally fucked over by my job.

My assistant gm left a note on the front page of the crew schedule for today saying I needed a ride at or before 10:30 for my shift. We tried to find someone yesterday but there was no obvious options so we decided to leave it up to the morning manager on when and who she could send.

So at 10:25 I’m waiting outside at the entrance to the trailer park I live in for someone to show up.

10:35 I call them. I ask the manager if she saw the note. She says, “What note?” So I tell her that I needed a ride to work today. She says she’ll see who she can send and I tell her to let me know and I’ll see her soon.

Now my work is about a five to ten minute drive because it’s right off the highway. Not really a walkable distance, especially in the heat, but I figure I’ll just stay where I am and wait because they shouldnt take too long... right?

11 am... stiiiilll waiting. I consider recalling, but I tell myself they’re probably just busy. I get it, I’m not upset. I’m sure someone will show up and I dont want to walk back home because most of my coworkers dont know which trailer is mine and I dont really want them knowing tbh.

11:15 am Now I’m getting annoyed. Ten more minutes. Ten more minutes and I’ll call again.

11:25. Officially a whole hour of standing outside in humid Michigan 90 degree sun with no shade or breeze. I can feel sweat on my back, making my uniform uncomfortably stick to my skin. I’m leaning against an electric pole awkwardly because it has nails sticking out every which way but it’s the only reprieve from standing in one spot for an hour. I’m staring between my phone and the bridge people cross after exiting the highway, willing someone to just show up.

11:35 A whole hour after the first call. I finally call again.

The manager says she cant find anyone and labor is high so unless the closing manager needs me when she gets in at 4, then I shouldn’t come in. In the nicest voice I can manage I just go, “Okay then... I’ll... go home I guess.” Even though what I want to say is, “You’re fucking kidding me right?! You couldnt have told me this a fucking HOUR AGO!? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I’VE BEEN STANDING IN THE DAMN SUN!?”

But I dont... I go home. Go back to bed. Wake up three hours later and give my cousin a heart attack because she thought I was supposed to be at work. I bitterly rant about my latest annoyance before sitting down and texting the closing manager to definitely let me know if she needs me because I’m tired of my time being wasted and the last thing I want is to be left waiting.

She calls me about twenty to 4 to say she’s on her way to get me. Then she asks when I’m out. The answer being 6:30... only two and a half hours later. She stops and is just like, “wtf??? that seems like a waste of time.” It is. I tell her I can stay till 8 if I’m needed but let me know if I should even show up because by then I can get myself to work.

A little after 4 she tells me to come on in.

And guess what? That note that the morning manager says she never saw... that I assumed the assistant gm just forgot to write was written in the neatest goddamn handwriting right where she said she wrote it... and I can see where the morning manager crossed people off and wrote on it so how could she not fucking see the damn note!? So not only did she make me wait an HOUR to tell me she couldnt find anyone but she knew WELL BEFOREHAND THAT SHE WASNT GETTING ME ANYWAY! So when I called the very first time she had already made up her fucking mind that I was SoL. ANd I know this is true because one of the guys that was still working who had been there said she even told them this out loud that it wasnt her job to come pick me up.

FUCKING. FINE. BUT DON’T JUST NOT TELL ME!!! 

And I wish my day ended at that but of fucking course it didnt.

We had next to no people after 7. Me, the manager, and the two closers. I was technically out at 6:30 but I did say I would stay. Well it’s 7 now and the manager decides that people need breaks. Which would be fine if we werent busy, had people to cover these breaks, and didnt have a ton of stuff to get done before 8. But no... she wants to send them on breaks so she can take one. Then she asks me if I can stay even later so she can take her break. The answer I wanted to say was no because I wanted to get stuff done at home before tomorrow, but whatever I’m a sucker. Fifteen more minutes.

She goes on break and BAM. We get fucking slammed. For about fifteen minutes I do my best to juggle literally every position in the store and keep things moving. And then this couple come into the lobby and the lady jokes about having a huge order. The order isnt that big... but then I realize it’s because her HUGE. FUCKING. REDNECK. FAMILY. IS. FILLING. UP. MY. LOBBY! Well over twenty adults are now in my store and my drive thru is filling up. The two closers are slow as hell.

I literally lose my mind trying to keep up before the manager gets back. And then EVERYTHING GOES WRONG. We cant make this sandwich because we dont have that ingredient. We run out of reg meat because the grill isnt cooking them properly for some reason. We cant do ice cream. We cant do slushies. We cant do the new huge sandwich. We’re waiting on this and waiting on that. The huge group of people crowd the screen so drive thru comes to a complete standstill for long periods of time because the guy in the kitchen is busy with their orders and he’s already slow as fuck. 

At one point I start giving out the closing manager’s name and telling people they can get a free meal because I’m not going to get screamed at. 

It takes us two hours to finally get everything as clear as we can and I am DONE. I tell my manager I’ll do one more task and then I’m leaving. 

Swept the floor, clocked out, and proceeded to punch the steering wheel for a good five minutes before I feel safe enough about driving home.

I hate my job. I hate this day.

And I’m sure this wont be the last time because I grew up in an abusive household and if there’s anything I’m bad at, it’s realizing I can just fucking leave and that I dont have to deal with this kind of bullshit.

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[wanna1things]

Undercover Agent!Yoon Jisung

i LOVE jisung SO MUCH and gjhdgfhgsjf he looks so gOOD in his teaser pics lmao gtg byeee

Genre;; uhh undercover agent!au,, fluff,, sorry if the stuff about the police and stuff is wrong lmao am not a cia agent

Warnings;; theres mention of a contract killing & hits and a bar and like,, gang stuff??

Pairing;; Yoon Jisung x reader

Requested;; nope

Summary;; You are undercover for the organised crime unit. Yoon Jisung is your prime suspect for the contract killing of a rival gang member. Little do you know, he’s thinking the exact same thing about you...

Style;; bullet point + stuff

Word Count;; 1801

im SUPER sorry;; if you’ve requested something im super busy w family stuff and work but next week im free so ill get the requests done,, this was just something i’ve had written for a while lol its basically the plot of an episode of a tv show i watched when i was in spain in august idek what it was called but it was super cute and i thought it fit jisung because?? idk i feel like his personality fits this sort of thing lol anyway hope u enjoy

you joined the organised crime unit straight out of police training and tbh you were a prodigy

you were known for solving cases in record speed and you were always effective in undercover work

you knew of someone else on the force who was just as good at solving cases/being undercover as you were

but you had no idea who they were, just that they were in the homicide unit

anyway

your unit had been following a gang for quite a while

and you’d come to know all of their members quite well

when suddenly, the guy you were preparing to arrest was killed by a contract killer

your unit managed to catch the killer and he confessed that he was paid to kill the guy by a guy within the main gang in the city

and so your unit decided,, you should go undercover

you studied up on the members of this second gang and you focused all of your efforts on who appeared to be pulling the strings even though he wasn’t the leader

this guy called yoon jisung

luckily someone else in your unit was already undercover in the gang and so when you joined he introduced you as his half-sister

and straight away you spotted jisung looking at you up and down

you knew he was a bad guy, his files said left the police force a year ago and joined the gang straight away

he was very close to the leader already and was almost like his right hand man

little did you know, jisung was also an undercover agent

THE undercover agent from the homicide unit

he kept his real name in the gang to make his story more believable,, also because he can’t deal with fake names because he’d never adjust to being called something else lol

but boy did he think it was fishy that straight after this guy from another gang was killed that you were introduced

he immediately suspected you were in some way connected to the contract killing,, probably because you had close ties to a contract killer or something

anyway

after the gang meeting where you were introduced he approaches you straight away

and you're just like wow okay that was easy lol already my suspect is talking to me try to find info;;

that's literally exactly what he's trying to do with you as well

ahhh when he starts speaking to you you realise ;; oh my god;; he’s actually super good looking lmao no don't fall in love with a criminal

he holds out his hand for you to shake it and he smiles wide and tilts his head to the side slightly

‘Hello, y/n!! I’m Yoon Jisung!!’

you take his hand hesitantly because how is someone in a gang this bright lmao

he immediately starts asking you where you’re from and stuff which is really cute because he’s listening so intently to everything you say and he seems really interested

he’s interested for a different reason lol

so you recite what your,, fake,, life history is

it’s got bits of truth in there too but your undercover identity is that you do really have “ties” to a contract killer organisation

lmao bad idea jisung is even more suspicious

but

he also thinks you’re really cute and sweet?? Like??

and he's mentally kicking himself like lmao they’re a cold hearted killer don't fall in love

and over the next few weeks you’re always put on jobs together

when you both had to go to a meeting with the head of a supplier chain he claimed that ‘the boss told him that you needed to accompany him’

your coworker later revealed to you that no… jisung requested that you went with him to the meeting

this all was a bit,, suspicious but

you accepted it because it meant you could get close to your suspect even if it was in a weird way

one day, after you attend another meeting together he invites you out to a bar for a drink

and the gang you two are in basically controls that bar lol

so you decide you’ll try to get him drunk and get some information out of him so you can arrest him

but when you get there turns out he had the same idea and you both order virgin drinks lol

anyway

you swallow your pride and ask him about the case and you find that he oddly knows a lot??

like he knows who did it ok suspicious much jisung

and he’s realising that you know who did it too,, which is also really making you look suspicious lol

but you’re also realising that under this soft light god damn is he beautiful?? Oh my god??

lmao he's thinking the same about you like god they’re so?? Evil?? But so?? Good looking??

of course its jisung so he makes lots of terrible jokes along the way when will he stop

out of nowhere he starts to talk to you about the story of his friend in the gang being killed in a hit by the gang the guy who died was from

and he was telling the whole truth, his friend was undercover with him (which he didn't mention obviously lol) and he was killed

and jisung didn't know why he was opening up to you but you just seemed so easy to talk to lol

and you could tell this thing with his friend was really eating at him like he was truly upset wow gangsters have feelings??

in the back of your mind you were thinking ok motive found but you pushed it aside because he was really opening his heart to you and he was genuinely upset and no decent human being is about to ignore someone in distress

so as it seemed like he was about to cry you took hold of his hands and held them

he squeezed your hands back and looked up

and oh my god

he was crying but it was like a hiccupy cry (you know the one)

and it was so cute because he was smiling at you as well as like;; a thank you for being so comforting

and seriously this guy is damn cute for a gangster like wow how??

but really your feelings for each other are just getting deeper and deeper and you know it's so wrong because you’re meant to be arresting each other but you know love you can't help it

soon enough you guys are pretty much partners (in crime, literally)

like you always attend meetings together and stuff,, and y'all are both close to the boss

and you can full on admit you’ve totally fallen for this weird soppy cute gangster and don't tell anyone but he's fallen for you too UH

when suddenly there's an attempt on your colleague's life, the guy who you’re undercover with

and almost immediately there's a retaliation from what seems to be your gang

something clicks inside your brain and you realise

jisung put the hit out for that retaliation

nobody died but he did it because well you’re his partner, and your colleague is supposed to be your brother so it's like the done thing in a gang lol

little do you know, he's thinking the same about you, that you put the hit out yourself because well… it's your brother of course you’re going to get one back

so that night he decides to invite you out for a drink and then he’ll arrest you because well clear motive??

and when he invites you, you also decide that tonight's the night you’ll arrest him because DAMN the evidence is overwhelming

when you both arrive at the same bar as you went to before, you both order virgin cocktails and sit next to each other at the bar

reminiscing about the past few months of knowing each other and stuff, and laughing about how dumb jisung looked when he cried (sorry jisung youre cute i love you really??)

after a while theres a break of silence

and you both reach into your pockets/bags and pick out the handcuffs inside

you breathe in and out slowly and turn to fake jisung right as he turns to face you with his hands in his pockets

‘y/n, you’re under arrest-’

‘jisung, you’re under arrest-’

‘wait, what??’

Jisung stands up straight away and hes completely taken aback like whats going on

And theres a total ruckus going on in the bar now because ok theres two policemen here?? what

Jisung quickly grabs your hand and pulls you out of the bar and down into an alley beside it

as you’re trying to recover from that shock he fires questions at you like;;; quick fire

‘What was that?? You’re police too? What unit? Why didnt you tell me? Were you going to arrest me? What for? Oh my god, my boss is going to kill me…’

somehow you find the humour in all this

like you were just about to arrest each other for the exact same crime at the exact same time but you’re both undercover agents

(pls @ police units improve communication look what you’ve done)

when he hears your soft giggles he stops worrying and just joins in laughing because

admit it

its pretty funny yall were both the best undercover agents and you just tried to arrest each other

then he realises this cute little gang member he has a crush on isn't a gang member at all and there is no reason that he can’t kiss them right now

so he does

right then and there

and of course you’re shooketh because oh yeah;; he’s not a gangster i can totally do this and not feel bad lol

and then you realise your cover is completely and utterly blown and you can’t stay undercover anymore because BASICALLY the whole gang knows you’re policemen… either that or they think you’re into really kinky stuff oo ;)

and you can see the look on jisungs face when he realises it too but

‘Cover is blown but… got to admit it was worth it’

and he leans in to kiss you again uh BLESS

after that mess of a case you join the same unit as jisung and you two become the famous undercover couple

you always go undercover together, always as a couple because a) its easy and b) you don’t even have to act

every time someone new joins the unit you take your roles as the official parents™ of the unit and you train everyone who wants to go undercover as though they’re like your child uhh cute

your picture is up in the hall of fame for agents and sgadjfg the picture is so cute because you LOOK like parents

basically you two are like the cutest and the BIGGEST undercover agent power couple

ahhhh i hope this was enjoyable to read,, i wrote it on the train when i was on holiday so yknow not the best quality of writing but i thought it was cute so!!

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

[lilragekitten]

Lol, I’m already so over this holiday season. SO MUCH under the cut oops.

Last night I had a guest check in (well, I didn’t my co-worker did) and the credit card was declined. Grandma was supposed to pay but there wasn’t enough to do the security deposit for the four nights stay, not even for one night. 

(I don’t know about you, but every single hotel I’ve ever been too, I’ve needed A) a credit card (in my name unless someone else was paying and then they had to email/fax over a permission form with all the details) and B) enough funds plus extra (anywhere from 15$-600$ extra one memorable occasion) to cover my ass and the hotels ass.)

Coworker gets in touch with Gma and she says there’s only a 500$ limit on the card and that they can come by later. Guest at counter were tired after a 7 hour drive, so they’re let into the room to nap (as the wife said she was going to do.) At 4pm, Gma comes in with Gpa and his CC. I ask if we’d be able to run for the four nights or are we just doing one, as the guests have said that they’d pay for the remainder of the stay, not a problem, they just don’t have a CC. Gpa says that no, there’s not enough there but we can do one nights worth. I ask if this card can be used to PAY for the one night I’m doing a hold with and he says sure. I asked TWICE bc they... did not seem to understand. 

(what’s super hilarious is that I’ve spoken to Gma on the phone about this reservation like two weeks ago confirming we need a valid credit card at check in to do a hold on it and she said okay.)

I explained as simply as I could “Your credit card is not being charged at the moment, it’s a hold on it for the 190$ which is for tonight’s stay. At check out, in four days, then we will process it as a payment for 187.57$ and that’s when you will be charged” “Oh okay... Can I get a receipt now?” “No... because I haven’t charged you anything so I do not have a receipt to give you. I will after check out, when it’s been paid for.” “Okay but I wont be here, I need a receipt” “We can email you the bill once your family leaves in four days, and your card has been charged then.” “......” He stood there staring at me legit HOLDING OUT HIS HAND. “But how will I know what you charge me?” So I gave him a business card, wrote 187.57$ on it and said. “At check out, this is the amount your card will be charged. You won’t be charged until they leave though. Do you understand?” And he stared at me some more, another guest off to the side look confused and amused, and He asked one more time for a copy of the receipt. 

I sighed heavily and laughed tiredly. Because I couldn’t NOT anymore. “ I don’t have a receipt TO GIVE YOU because you HAVENT PAID FOR ANYTHING yet.” and I turned to help the next guest. I thought that was the end of it.

Oh No.

At 440pm, I get this woman stomping up to the desk. I do not know this lady, I haven’t seen nor spoken to her. “Hi can I help you?”

And Good Lord. 

“YA YOU CAN HELP ME BY GETTING YOUR DAMN STAFF STRAIGHTENED OUT. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I CALLED A MONTH AGO ABOUT THESE RESERVATIONS AND I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A CREDIT CARD BUT I DIDNT HAVE ONE SO IT WOULD BE OKAY FOR GRANDMA TO COME IN AND PAY FOR THE ROOM AND NOW YOUR STAFF IS CHANGING UP ALL THE RULES?”

“....Um, can I ask who you are?” (because it’s better to have confirmation before assuming, omg, it is not good to assume anything)

“YOU KNOW WHO I AM. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS, GRANDMA CALLED AN WOKE ME UP IVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH THE BABY AND NOW I HAVE THIS TO DEAL WITH I WA SIN A CAR FOR SEVEN HOURS AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS BECAUSE YOUR STAFF CAN’T DO THEIR JOBS”

“okaym but may I know your name ma’am?

“OH YOU’RE GONNA LEARN MY NAME YOU’RE ALL GONNA KNOW MY NAME I CANT BELIEVE THIS. YOU’RE CHARGING THEM 500$ FOR THE ROOM WHEN I WAS TOLD ALL YOU NEEDED WAS ASECURITY DEPOSIT AND-”

“What room are you in ma’am?”

“yOU DAMN WELL KNOW AND NOW YOU’RE CHARGING THEM 500$ WHEN THAT’S THE LIMIT ON THEIR CARD AND THEIR ALL UPSET-”

“Are you XXXXX in -” (I asked bc I was getting tired of being screamed at. She wasn’t just raising her voice, it was a high pitched shrill of ‘I wanna speak to your manager’ except there is no manager, only JennerJen and I am Tired and you’re causing a scene Brenda (not her real name)

“YES IM xxxx IN ROOM xxx!! AS YOU DAMN WELL KNOW AND I-”

“Ma’am, I’m not the girl that served you earlier, can I explain what I actually have done?”

“Oh.” Yeah... she stopped.. and stared at me. (later on she admitted we all looked alike, dressing the same (uniform) despite my like 6 or so inches on my coworker, my brown hair vs her red, my glasses and her not... BUT ANYWAYS)

“Yes. Sorry for the confusion, your family members didn’t really seem to understand what I was doing. I did take a security deposit, but only one night, as you can see here *showed her the transcript* for 190$. I told them that you and your husband would need to come to the desk to pay for the remainder, that is what you had said to my coworker, yes?”

“Yeah that’s right. Grandma called saying you had taken all her money and that we needed to pay on top of that.”

“Grandma was wrong.”

“Oh. Okay well they should be here soon to give the card-”

“They were aleady here, about an hour ago.”

“But she JUST called me and woke me up? Is she coming back?”

“I don;t know, I don’t need her to, but I do need YOU guys to pay for the room for your stay.”

“Oh yeah no, that’s not a problem! I completely understand, I just don’t get why she says she’s coming back then? Man, what the Hell?”

“What the Hell for sure. Sorry, I tried explaining it as simply as I could, and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Oh yeah no for sure, I would’ve lost it” -starts laughing

“I hope you gave Grandma shit for waking you up”

“Yep”. 

She became my best friend for next fifteen mins, talking about getting drunk at Hanson and kicked out, how when both of us travel we prefer not having housekeeping usually,*This is Important* etc and then her hubby came in.

“What is up with your mother? Why did she call me? You guys made me yell at this girl?”

“Why did you yell at her?” *Me secretly going YES WHY?!?!?*

So they go off, come back to pay a little while later and I ask hubby, ‘Hey earlier we were chatting and your partner mentioned she normally doen’t like housekeeping, is that right? You don’t want service tomorrow? (Today- day after they checked in-Guests were to have service normally, but the night of 24/25/26th they get a rate of 100$ because there will be no staff in. (between 1/3-1/2 the rate off) He says, “Nah, I think we’ll take it, when do they usually come?” “Anytime between 8-4pm” okay let you know”

Well.

My girls finished at about 425. Theses guests came back at same time. The girls were just finishing rooms, and ended up clocking out when Hubby came to desk asking about service. I apologised and said that his room wouldn’t be getting done, but what did he need, I could go do it. He asked for towels. I brought towels. I see Wife in breakfast room feeding baby I ask if she needs anything else, she says “Oh god no, we’re fine, don’t worry, but maybe something for the diapers? I don’t want the room to smell” So I said I can go collect the garbage. “Oh no! That’s okay, is there like a bin or something?” I point to the big garbage shed outside but I tell her that she doesn’t need to do that. I can provide several garbage bags, put the diapers in them, tie it off, put it in hallway and then call the front desk so we can throw them out. She perks up “omg that’s perfect thank you so much.” 

So I go to room, drop off bags, inform hubby of ‘the plan’ and ask if there’s anything else. he says no. Comes to desk like five mins later all pissy. “So let me get this straight, there’s no housekeeping tomorrow or the next night for the discounted rate, but I had to pay full charge for today and I still don’t get any service?” I apologised and said that I had spoken to his wife and went with her decision and he’s like “NO I Specifically requested it last night here” (Yeah.. um no you said you’d let us know and then didn’t??? also your wife is a scary bitch and I don’t want to upset her again okay???) “We won’t be staying the final night now.” (they had only paid for the first three after anyways, and declined using Gpa’s CC to actually pay for the room)

I am Just So Tired. And I still get to see them tomorrow night. 

I also went to high school with the husband. LOL. Ugh.