snflwrlulu

[snflwrlulu]

Hey tumblr,

So i told my parents that i wont graduate when they wanted me to. I was basically killing my brain one class at a time. My dad yelled called me a liar said i needed to get a job and pay him back everything he’s contributed because i was gonna end up being a nobody. I’m writing this because today i stayed home and he did too he was talking to his friend and he said that he was okay with me not graduating sooner and that he made sure i knew it was okay because i keep killing my brain with so many classes. The truth is so far from what he said hearing my dad say it was okay broke me into tears and I was already having an off type of day. Sometimes i wish my parents weren’t so filled with hypocrisy.

Sincerely,

One sad girl on the internet

[snflwrlulu]

June 12 2022

Happy Halloween And HAPPY every other holiday that comes after it my Tumblr survivors <3

Its been a long year and this one isnt even finished yet i believe the last time we spoke i was still a 2.0 student and had hopes for my future well a lot has change since that thats for sure… I turned 21 and had a small party that most of my friends didnt show to there was a piñata in the shape of a tequila bottle that I didn’t get to break because i was to busy eating jello shots and drinking double shots.. long story short i didnt get drunk and i didnt get a hangover which i am thankful for i did gain closeness with a guy friend who showed out of nowhere the next day and asked if i wanted to date him and when i said he had to at least try first he said he wouldnt even know how to so that was a dead end that 3 months later then argued with me on Dms over how gross beer is.. later asked to go out and walk at the park which i said yes to because i was feeling like i was trapped at my own house. All while i was having a life crisis over how alone i was and how i needed friends AND how terrible i was doing in school. Anyways… he told me his life story and i told him mine thinking we bonded he then asked permission to kiss me and to hold my hand and i let him and that was the moment everything went down hill. He asked if I’d take his virginity which I hesitated to but eventually agreed to do it… i was many of his firsts but i did not go through with the plan he had… as we talked we got closer and well i thought there was a connection, which he then ruined with jealousy and the art of trying to make my traumas of the last les valid than his and this was a red flag. His coworker at the tome happened to be a friend of mine from when i was a little girl still innocent to the world when i was 12, i asked for his info because how small could the world ever get and he got upset we argued all night and he then said “i hope you two are happy together” and he blocked me. Being the petty girly i am i blocked him back on all the socials he had and that ended things for us or so i thought but the universe had other plans for us. My friend will call him “J” said he had just gotten married and i was so happy for him it feels like everyone has life figured out but me. He would ask everyday about the boy who tried so much to make me feel so little defended him but that was all there was to it he was a married man and i would never. 1 month passed and i was not over it because my biggest flaw is getting to attached to people that deserve less of me. 3 months passed and i thought less of him only sometimes he would come up in my thoughts or only when “J” would bring him up but i was more stressed about finals coming up. 6 months went by and i had completely moved on and blocked him from my hear, “J” stopped talking about him after that one chat of the boy that lived in my mimd was trying to go out with another girl which he respected because he took her out on dinners or to dates like the movies but she called them “hang outs” and he had a double thought in his mind for them but she did not. Maybe i’m an easy girl or maybe i wasnt enough but still the universe put him back on my path. After failing my 2021 fall finals i must’ve cried at how sad my life was… i had no job, a 1.67 gpa, i was on probation and no guy would even look at me.as spring started my best friend got a girlfriend and he stop speaking to me with the excuse that he had to take a break from his phone and social media which i will always believe it was code for “i cant talk to you anymore youre getting clingy go away” he built us a life together and i still cant believe he left that day i think he was the only person i thought wouldnt abandon me but in the end he was fixed and he got up and left. Like he always did. i mad friends in my spring semester which I absolutely love. There is also many pictures of me at many events around campus because even stressing i decided to give no fucks and just live for a moment for my own university experience.

I missed all of this… Happy Sunday :)

[snflwrlulu]

Past the Punishments

March 21st, 2021

Hello, my dear Tumblr people,

After a 2 week vacation and several mental breakdowns, I decided it was time for me to come back because every so often I tell myself I am going to do a certain thing that will change me for the better and I never keep up with those experiences. How were my two weeks you ask? HELL, yeah well maybe I'm exaggerating but they were a bit annoying xD last week on Friday I had a midterm and it was all mainly because my "BFF" kept calling and face-timing me because she needed help; I love her don't get me wrong but why did she choose a career path that she's not even interested in; anyways my phone was off and I feel like she was upset that I didn't help her because we didn't talk at all after that this week that past was my spring break which my mom likes the most because I have to do house cleaning the whole week except this year I had homework yay! I worked on that the whole week and I just started birth control which is scaring me because there are so many side effects and since everyone's body is different than there is absolutely no telling how this will go for me. I will end this paragraph here. thank you for always listening to me and if you too need someone to listen to you you can always message me :)

Have a great Sunday UwU <3

[snflwrlulu]

"My Punishment"

March 8th 2021

Dear Tumblr person,

I decided I wouldn’t write until I figured out my life a bit and I finally did. I figured out what theme to make my 21st birthday party, so here I am writing to you all about it. The party was going to be a early/mid 2000s throwback but then I decided it would be a rose gold color theme but TODAY while having a mental breakdown I finally decided it would be kawaii themed and it’s been soo fun looking for things to decorate with; I’m super thrilled about it because the way I’m going to make myself pop out from all those pastel colors is by wearing an e/cat girl outfit cat ears and everything 😌. My mother doesn’t know this because she wouldn’t approve of the outfit but I thought to myself “I’m turning 21 it’s time for me to dress however I want 😌

I hope you all are having a great day<3

[snflwrlulu]

Pretty Enough To F@*k But Not Pretty Enough To Date

Do you remember when life was so simple? When all we did was play barbies or cars? When all we had to do was go to school? When we didn’t have to worry if a friend was trying to get with you? Or if the boy who sat alone on the bus was trying to get in your pants? Life was so much simple then but that’s just the circle of life I guess. Everything changes when we grow older & it sucks. 

I used to think that I was gonna fall in love with a great guy by the time i was in college or in high school, fall for someone who truly loved me for my personality, someone that understood me… boy was I wrong. As a 20 year old female who knows a thing or two, all I have ever attracted are the same four different types of guys: 

The too depressed ones that just want sex, & hate everything,

The ones who want a relationship without the commitment of one

The ones who disguise an innocent friendship, so that later on they can ask you for pictures & other “favors”

Lastly, The ones who don’t know if they like you but try to get with you but end up truly not being relationship people & the whole time treat you like a friend 

They all take advantage of us because maybe they caught on to the fact that we are somehow messed up, however, this does not give them the right to take advantage of you the way they do.

Sometimes, I wish they didn’t see me as something they can fuck because I am not a piece of meat they can chew and spit out.

[snflwrlulu]

"In Between The Lines"

February 27th -> March 3rd

Dear Tumblr person seeing this,

Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I would've loved to, but life has kept me very busy. I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be right? However, I want to thank you for the support. I appreciate it so much... ANYWAYS

Today was ok kinda. As my day comes to an end, It wasn’t what I would’ve expected it to be, mainly because I started writing again, I haven’t written any thoughts down in more than a year; how insane is that?! This will sound weird but I could and can feel my thoughts and emotions just spilling into these posts through each day that passes & I hope that this will be some type of help for someone in the future. That someone one day comes across my feelings & emotions, that my writing can mean something to someone; to show them that they aren’t alone in their feelings; that there is more than one person who feels the exact same way that they’re feeling in these moments. I hope that you all are doing amazing. Even though my life is petty messed up I feel completely fine, maybe even fine enough that I will star posting a few writings I have hidden in a google document. Which will start in the morning.

[snflwrlulu]

February 26

My WiFi hasn’t been working and I’m kinda triggered because it isn’t letting me write as much as I would like to...Anyways these past days I watched Good Girls on Netflix and if I’m being honest I am now sorta obsessed with Manny Montana; I’ve been seeing a therapist and idk if my obsession with different fictional characters or real people who don’t know I exsist is something I have to talk to her about or not it’s confusing; sometimes though I do feel super silly having a therapist because in my Hispanic family if you have a therapist it automatically means you’re crazy. Joke or not, it’s offensive to me and to all those people who have therapists. My dad’s mom said it’s the fault of the black hearts I love posting all over social media; sue me for having drops of creativity bleeding out of my soul. I wish she would know that my self esteem and body image issues are her fault because she always made me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough compared to my cousin, I always felt smaller and if I didn’t she never let me forget about it.

You know she might’ve not been the only reason to why I’m going to a therapist but she was one of the big reasons, so I’m not crazy; I think I’m just unique xD

Goodnight n.n

[snflwrlulu]

February 25

Hello again Tumblr person,

It is now 11:11 make a wish :b ... I was waiting for something dramatic to happen but yesterday I knocked out dead and the day before I just couldn’t bring myself to writing, so this counts for 23rd and 24th on the 23rd I talked to the guy... you know the one that doesn’t want to commit but wants to be “exclusive” and I asked the Million dollar question “where is this going?” He said something along the lines of “two jobs, no time, I want fun with you but at the end of the day it’s up to you” and my dumbass said “yeah sure I will see you again because I knew what I was getting myself into” why am I so attracted to guys that give me nothing to go on...what is my problem? I didn’t even sleep during the night because I was stupid enough to say yes. I didn’t see him though so that was a good side of it; at this point he doesn’t even cancel plans he just messages and says why he didn’t pick me up “I have an appointment.” “I slept in.” “I woke up but fell asleep again.” He’s living proof that when you’re not important in their lives but you’re still there they will literally give you crumbs to go on and you wil take it.

My 11:11 wish is that I get feel what other girls call good guys because all these trash men have polluted my emotions.... what’s your 11:11?

[snflwrlulu]

Working from home is a trip. Sometimes I feel like I’m re-living the same day over and over. Work, eat, watch some show, browse tumblr or reddit, eat, sleep, wake up and repeat. Sometimes I’ll throw in some masturbation to feel extra good on a really boring day.

[snflwrlulu]

FEBRUARY 22,2021

Dear Tumblr person,

I don’t understand why you still come back but I really appreciate it. I argued with my mom a lot because she won’t let me have a dark gothy themed party; I’m turning 21 and she won’t let me dress or do whatever I want.... but when it comes from things like my business she definitely has little to say but a lot on her mind.

What I mean is that she’s always giving her opinion but she never asks what I want it’s always what she thinks is pretty and it sucks. I can’t ever have anything my way because apparently it’s not normal or I’m weird...

My parents have always been strict because I come from a Hispanic household but like the saying goes “Strict parents make sneakier kids” and I am living proof of it. Sometimes I ask myself “why did I start a business?” Only when my parents are helicoptering me tho, with the “how come you haven’t sold?” Or “Are you even still promoting?” Only I know what I’m doing & yes I have asked them to stop, but they’re still doing it it just completely sucks I swear :/

I hope you’re having a better one than me...

[snflwrlulu]

February 19 & 20, 2021

Dear Tumblr reader, 

Its been a day & a few hours since i last wrote to you, I got over the whole essay mental breakdown and i gave it my all full with honesty & emotions; now if this man gives me less than a 90 i will throw hands i swear! There is absolutely no way I could live with less than a 90 with an essay about my life it’s absolutely insane.

I’m also seeing someone well... kinda. He makes me feel good about who I am but his flaw is that he falls under the category of men who want a relationship without the commitment. He says that we are in the “talking stage” we’ve been here for years. He constantly asks me to have sex with him a lot & I say no. Lately I feel like he thinks I’m easy to manipulate but that’s not true.

I guess I’ll have to suck it up.

I hope your day is going better than mine.

[snflwrlulu]

Be the reality, that you never thought on being

Me? 

[snflwrlulu]

My First Official Thought

February 19, 2021

Dear Tumblr person reading my fascinating life,  I hope you're having a good one because honestly i’m not. My professor asked us to write a 2-3 page essay telling him how covid affected each of us; and honestly I had the whole week to do it but I guess am not that much into writing about my personal life nor problems, the reality is that I know its just an assignment and that it isn't that deep but to me it is; I have been always a person who believes that if its my problem than no one needs to know about it maybe it’s because I trust absolutely no one and the people I have encountered have always given me bad energy and vibes around them. Anyways i side tracked the truth is that instead of doing that assignment I decided to make a new Tumblr and try the whole writing hobby and i’m happy to tell you that it is going great on that end. well I will write to you tomorrow. Remember that you are never alone and that someone out there feels the exact same way you do.

[snflwrlulu]

Pretty Enough To Fuck.  Not Pretty Enough To Date.

Do you remember when life was so simple? When all we did was play barbies or cars? When all we had to do was go to school? When we didn’t have to worry if a friend was trying to get with you? Or if the boy who sat alone on the bus was trying to get in your pants? Life was so much simple then but that’s just the circle of life I guess. Everything changes when we grow older & it sucks. 

I used to think that I was gonna fall in love with a great guy by the time i was in college or in high school, fall for someone who truly loved me for my personality, someone that understood me... boy was I wrong. As a 20 year old female who knows a thing or two, all I have ever attracted are the same four different types of guys: 

The too depressed ones that just want sex, & hate everything,

The ones who want a relationship without the commitment of one

The ones who disguise an innocent friendship, so that later on they can ask you for pictures & other “favors”

Lastly, The ones who don’t know if they like you but try to get with you but end up truly not being relationship people & the whole time treat you like a friend 

They all take advantage of us because maybe they caught on to the fact that we are somehow messed up, however, this does not give them the right to take advantage of you the way they do.

Sometimes, I wish they didn’t see me as something they can fuck because I am not a piece of meat they can chew and spit out.

[snflwrlulu]

“The Start” 02-19-2021

Using Tumblr to write about my feelings.  I used to use Tumblr to write about my day, but as a college student I needed to leave that part of my life in the past. I hope people see this and relate to the depressed girl with all types of anxieties.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.