#the cops were REALLY mad about that one but i do think it's funny that even asleep my brain's like. acab baby lmao

[queerofthedagger]

i dreamt about mulder and scully last night, which would already be funny, but I. have never watched x-files. thank you fandom. thank you tumblr

[soap-brain]

i think one of the nate eliot things is that they're both fucking unhinged. there's something feral about them, something that's capable of disregarding basic humanity. we know eliot is a killer, and a ruthless one at that, and he's not afraid of being in those kind of situations, which in a way dehumanises him, this inability to feel fear.

and nate. nate!! that man is terrifying! get in line, or get out of the way is his motto, and he applies it to absolutely everyone. especially in the earlier seasons, and yes he applies it to sophie (who is unarguably closest to him) too! for maggie he decides that she will get out of the way (because falling in line with him would mean that she would break the law, and she's a Good Citizen, not a Criminal or a Thief, and it never occurs to him that it's not a black and white situation... or that his ex wife matches his crazy).

and if you do neither, he ends you. simple as that. he doesn't kill you and he doesn't physically harm you, but what he does is arguably worse, because he ruins your life in ways eliot can't.

and they very quickly recognise each other as apex predators and both allow the other to use that for their crusade. eliot is a weapon that needs pointing in the right direction, that's what he's getting out of their relationship; and nate needs someone who'll have a go at him and who he can't actually hurt. because nate ruins lives by ruining their reputations, and what reputation does eliot have to lose? and conversely, not even nate ford could convince the world that eliot spencer isn't really fucking dangerous

(sidenote: that's why making moreau watch eliot spencer decrying the evil presidential dog fights is so fucking funny. there's an excellent post about it somewhere on here)

eliot thinks he's further along the path of being something inhuman, and he also thinks nate can still be saved from becoming that too. being an insurance cop, a "good guy" (btw a very laughable concept about how working in insurance makes you a good person. like. if that were the case then how come the same "good guys" let nate's son die so they didn't have to pay for his treatment?), was what kept nate on the straight and narrow before, and now giving him something to do might stop him from going completely off the rails ("how long until you fall apart again? a guy like you can't be out of the game, that's why you were a wreck. you need the chase" is what eliot's saying to convince nate to stay with the team).

unfortunately running with criminals doesn't fix nate the way eliot would like for it to, because the guy suddenly stops recognising any and all societal rules and overcompensates by trying to keep full control of everything all the time. he is so unreasonably mad at sophie for trying to help her friend teresa who got screwed over by marcone.

"she should've known what she got into, her husband working with the mob" and cpl perry from the ep before should've known what he got into, joining the military, but for some reason he's worth helping because he didn't "choose" to become a criminal. did teresa choose to get in with the mob or did she and her husband just not have another chance?

and when the entire team agrees they want to take that job, nate throws a hissy fit. tells them all to walk if they don't like the way he runs the team.

so does leverage fix nate? maybe after five seasons. but at first it makes him worse because between "not having to abide by normal human laws anymore" and the alcohol he completely loses his restraint

and eliot gets that. eliot has been there, has completely lost any and all principles (working for moreau mostly) and is now trying to glue the pieces of himself back together into something that isn't horrible. but nate isn't there yet. nate is still violent and dangerous, and eliot is the only one on the team who isn't disgusted by it. sophie certainly is. hardison and parker are too, even if they don't say it out loud. eliot may not like it, but he gets it.

and in return, nate is the only one who knows about what happened in the big bang job. he can hold eliot back with as little as a gesture or a look and it's not a slight to eliot at all. eliot trusts nate to point him in the right direction because they both need the same thing:

to be a good man.

also:

eliot: what, you think the only thing i know how to do is bust heads? nate: no... well, yeah. eliot: hold a knife like this, cuts through an onion. hold a knife like this, cuts thought like eight yakuza in 4 seconds. screams, carnage... nate: yeah good point actually

like apart from how it's funny, any normal person would react with some version of "that's so fucked up". and nate is just like yeah nah that tracks actually, fair enough, do carry on

also @scotchiegirl something about nate and eliot and violence? sorry for tagging you aslkdjfhasdlkfj i just had ThoughtsTM

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Okay so my mother currently has custody of my cousins and has since they were babies, they are now 5 and 7. I still live at home with them. We are all just about blindingly white, but the boys are mixed race, the younger looks white but the older really does not. (This is very relevant)

My sister thought it was funny to try and teach them to "oink" at police officers and I said absolutely not he does not look white he cannot get away with that you're going to get him hurt and she got mad and said I was being racist for saying that.

My mother and sisters father have been teaching them that police officers are good guys and only hurt people who have either "ruined their own lives with drugs" or people who "are shooting at them first". I made some disbelieving humming sounds and my mother yelled at me in the restaurant that that wasn't funny but honestly I wasn't trying to be funny I think it's actively dangerous to be teaching them that nowadays especially to a child who is very clearly not white. My mother and my sisters father think that teaching them that police officers are heroes will make them be respectful towards laws and police officers but I think they should also be wary of them to a degree as they get older, and I understand that they're young and don't really need to know that yet but I think that it's worse to teach them they're heroes and then turn around and tell them the truth of what police do nowadays, and I doubt things will change enough in the next 4 or so years that they won't need to be taught it at all unfortunately.

I have told the boys when no one else was around that a lot of cops now do things they really shouldn't and should not be hero worshipped, but that they need to behave extra well around them. I did not go into any detail.

I feel extremely weird being the one to say it as a white person and am worried I'm going about it wrong, but they really only see the other side of their family a few times a year and I feel like they do need to know to be cautious and pretending they don't could endanger them.

Am I the asshole for this? I understand why they don't want to tell the boys and I do worry im not doing this right as a white person but I feel like it's not safe not to

[hiwelcometothemonstersancturary]

You stare at your old nokia phone as the ambulance ride goes. You hear the nurses wrapping proper bandages around Kissy's scratched arm, the big toy trying to be as calm as possible. Poppy encouraged her, clapping her tiny hands to signal that Kissy did an excellent job. You smiled and nodded, trying to ignore the police chief sitting right next to you.

He was quietly reading the documentation you brought from the deeper parts of Playtime Co. You thought about thanking the Prototype for coming up with the idea, then went back to staring at your phone.

Finally, you dialed your mother's number, each beep making you more anxious than the last. Then, finally...

"MY SWEET ANGEL!", she screamed in portuguese in the other side of the line. "Where have you been?! You dissapeared for a whole week, what happened?"

Poppy stared at you, hearing your mother's screams.

"Well, mom...", you muttered, also in portuguese. "It's, uh... Complicated".

"Oh, I bet it is! Where have you been?"

You made a funny face, nervous. "Remember when I worked at Playtime Co...? I received a letter and, uh, decided to visit the factory. Got trapped inside".

"For a week?"

"For a week", you confirm. "... You said you wanted grandchildren, right?"

"What does that have to do with this? Are you hurt? Where are you?"

"Mom, answer the question".

You could feel her rolling her eyes in the other line: "You know well I do, but your brother already gave us two".

"Well, I have good news regarding that", Poppy's eyes went wide and she blinked. You simply stared at her and tried to give her the best of your smiles: "I adopted some kids".

"What?"

"What do you think about 80 grandkids? Is that enough?"

"Stop making jokes, boy! I'm your mother! W-where are you?"

"Why don't you go to the hospital? I'm heading there. I'm in an ambulance right at the moment, some of the kids are really hurt and need urgent care, and I'm the only adult they have. Guess I'll also need some patching up as well...".

"There were children inside the factory?"

"A fucking lot", you agree. "They're mine now".

Poppy's eyes started to become teary. The chief right next to you gave you a strange look before re-reading the document in his hands, baffled. Maybe he was going to vomit again? Or maybe he thought you were going mad. It didn't matter much now.

"... Angel", your mother called. "What were they doing there?"

"They were abandoned. Left to die. I think most of them were starving before I arrived", you continued. "They're pretty hurt. I know one is going to have urgent surgery. I don't know how much I can tell you, the cops are also here and I, uhm, don't know what needs to be kept a secret or not. Can you and dad just please come over the hospital and help me a bit?"

Your voice was weak, and you stopped looking at Poppy as reality sank around you. God, they were all just children. Your kids now, you guessed, but you would rather have never met them if it meant they would have never become toys in the first place.

"We're already heading over there", your mother firmly told you. "You hang in there, I'm calling your brother and aunt".

"Let me call him", you asked. "You call aunt before she kills me for dissapearing".

"Okay".

You waited. Your mom did as well.

"Are you alright?", she finally asked, again. You stare at your dirty and bloody hands.

"I didn't lose any body parts, if that's what you want to know", you reassure her. "I'm just tired, hungry and dirty. Could have been worse".

"I'm glad it's not", you could hear someone else in the line. Your mother sighed. "We'll talk more later, okay? I love you. Please don't die while we're on our way there".

"Can't promise that".

"Angel".

"Fine, mom. An ugly vase is hard to break, remember? See you soon. Bye".

You put your phone aside. Poppy's gaze had never left you, and now Kissy was waiting for what you were going to say as well. The two nurses were still working on patching her up as you gently put Poppy on your lap.

"Angel", she called. "Did you just refer to us as your children?"

"I wasn't lying", you quickly answer. "And didn't you just call me dad a few moments ago?"

"I-I... I did".

The doll gives you a hug, and you give one back before gently swiping off the tears forming in the corners of her too-realistic eyes. "Look, Pop, I'm never going to be a good parent for either one of you. I'm all grumpy and hopeless, and you need better than that. But I did promise I would do my best, and that's what I'll try to do. You don't have to pretend to be my daughter, anyways. I'll just be your legal guardian".

"...", was her response, before she readjusted herself to be more comfy on your lap. "I think I prefer having you as my parent rather than just a guardian, Angel. But it's not fair. I already took too many of your choices away from you, I-I don't want this to just be another one of them".

"Shoosh, Pop", you pat her head. "I made that choice long before you tried to stop me from talking to the Prototype. I'll be here to bother you and the others for as long as possible".

Poppy giggled, closing her still teary eyes.

"I'm glad, then", she mutters, ignoring the confused cop sitting next to you. "That you chose to be our... Parent".

You smile, and she understands you're glad as well.

"Now, go to back to sleep. I'll wake you up when we arrive at the hospital", you eye Kissy. "Or if your sister needs some encouragement".

The bigger toy's smile seems to be genuine.

[callofdudes]

AleRudy ✨incorrect quotes✨ ft: Valeria, Ghost, and Soap.

Alejandro: As top in this relationship, I think we should-

Rodolfo: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

-------

Rodolfo: *chokes on something*

Alejandro: Jeez, Rodolfo, don't die on us.

Rodolfo: Don't tell me what to do, I'll die whenever the hell I want!

--------

Rodolfo: Here are two pictures. One of them is your bedroom, and the other is a garbage dumpster. Can you tell which is which?

Alejandro:

Alejandro: This one is the dumpster.

Rodolfo: They’re both your bedroom.

-------

Rodolfo: Do you think sex without love is a sin?

Alejandro: If it is, I’ll see you in hell.

-------

Alejandro: You need to stop swearing so much.

Rodolfo: Shut the fuck up.

Alejandro: Yeah, that's not how you do it.

Rodolfo: Alright sorry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words just creep up on me when I least expect it.

Alejandro: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' and you'll be fine.

Rodolfo: Shit the beep up.

Alejandro:

Rodolfo: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT!

-------

Alejandro: Yes, I'm adopting Rodolfo and you cowards can't tell me no!

-------

Rodolfo: Alejandro...

Alejandro: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

-------

Alejandro: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!

Rodolfo: Oh-? Even more humiliating than-

Alejandro: We are not doing this!

-------

Valeria: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?

Rodolfo: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

-------

Alejandro: Well, has Valeria been wrong before?

Rodolfo: How wide are we willing to open this up?

-------

Alejandro: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…

Valeria: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.

Alejandro: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…

Rodolfo: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

------

Rodolfo: Two years ago, I married my best friend.

Rodolfo: Valeria is still mad about it, but me and Alejandro were drunk and thought it was funny.

-------

Valeria, to Alejandro: You know, Rodolfo can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.

Valeria: *blows airhorn at Rodolfo* GET FUCKED!

------

Valeria, washing the dishes: Who the fuck used this pan??

Valeria: Wait. I the fuck used this pan…

Rodolfo: It was you the fuck.

Valeria: It was I the fuck…

Alejandro: Who cooks rice in a pan?

Rodolfo: She the fuck.

-------

Valeria: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime.

Alejandro: I like how this is a "fun" fact.

Rodolfo: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you.

-------

Rodolfo: You really believe in Valeria?

Alejandro: Luckily, she believes in herself enough for the both of us.

-------

Alejandro: Guys where did Valeria go?

Rodolfo: She got arrested.

Alejandro: How the hell-

Valeria: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people.

-------

Rodolfo, watching Alejandro with the new recruits he's fond of: Ugh

Valeria, watching as well: You know...

Valeria: He doesn't love you. You could always join me and my cartel, we'd treat you better than he does.

Rodolfo: You think I want to join your peacock feather spreading, egotistical little boy band??

Valeria: Ok, sorry I asked

Rodolfo: Yeah, be sorry 😤

-------

Rodolfo: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Valeria: What’s up your ass this morning!

Alejandro: *walks in* ...Hey.

Valeria: Hmm… nevermind.

Rodolfo: WAIT NO!

-------

Ghost: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?

Soap: Um, murder???

Alejandro: Adventuring!

Rodolfo: Tuesday.

-------

Rodolfo: I give up. I am so tired.

Soap: Get the emergency supply!

Ghost: *carries Alejandro and places him in front of Rodolfo*

Alejandro: *smiles*

Rodolfo: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO

-------

Ghost: Christmas is cancelled.

Rodolfo: You can't cancel a holiday.

Ghost: Keep it up, Rodolfo, and you'll lose New Year's too.

Rodolfo: What does that mean?

Ghost: Alejandro, take New Year's away from Rodolfo.

-------

Alejandro: What’s up with Soap? He's been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?

Rodolfo: He's just a little overwhelmed.

Alejandro: Why?

Rodolfo: Ghost smiled at him.

-------

Rodolfo: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-

Soap: A doll.

Ghost: A cinnamon roll.

Alejandro: A sweetheart.

Rodolfo:

Rodolfo: ...stop it.

-------

Rodolfo: What are you getting Soap for the holidays?

Ghost: I don't know. It's kind of hard buying a gift for your partner when they already got everything they could've ever wanted when they married you. So I'm not sure yet.

Alejandro: I'm getting Soap a divorce lawyer.

-------

Rodolfo, opening his arms to greet Alejandro after coming home late: Mi amor!!

Alejandro: What's going on?

Rodolfo: I don't know what you mean love, we should go inside now

Alejandro: Where's the body??

Rodolfo: ...

Rodolfo: I don't know what you're talking about-

Alejandro: I'll get a shovel...

I made a few of these up myself, and I'm proud. Giving the babies the chaotic love they deserve.

[heyiwrotesomethings]

a part 2 of Absolutely Not! thanks

Absolutely Not! Prt II

Shinobu Kochou x She/Her Demon Reader

A/N: Prt1 Really didn’t know what to do for another part so just a little catnip cop out. Hope you still enjoy it! Word Count: 1,436

Uzui couldn’t believe what buzzkills the other Hashiras were.

“Come on, it’ll be funny! Don’t you wanna see what’ll happen?”

It’s inappropriate, it’s in bad taste, that’s dumb, not worth my time, I’m an unflashy unfun loser blah blah blah. Not even Rengoku would join in, although that should not have been that surprising.

Well, Uzui would have fun on his own then. He wasn’t sure if it would work… but he was down for a little experiment. Kochou couldn’t be mad at him for a little joke if it was for science, right?

He smirked at the small potted plant in his hands. All he had to do was sneak this to the cat demon and watch the chaos unfold. How could no one else be curious if catnip would be effective on a cat demon?

Uzui silently navigated the halls, snooping around for the demon. The demonic presence she had was weak, so it was difficult to pinpoint exactly where she was. But he could feel that he was getting closer. He smiled, got ready to put on the charm, and turned the corner, running right into… Shinobu.

“Uzui-san,” she blinked, mildly surprised, “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, Kochou, hey!” He kind of wanted to avoid her if he could help it, but given that she kind of had a demonic aura about her at the moment, he never stood a chance, “Do you know that you’re giving off a demonic energy? Kinda weird.”

Shinobu sighed, “No, I didn’t know that, but given how many head bumps (Y/n) insists on giving me, I am not surprised. Now why are you here? You look perfectly healthy.”

“What? Can’t a Hashira pay a fellow Hashira a visit?”

“They can, but you never visit me unless you need something. What do you have behind your back?”

“Oh, what? This?” Uzui presented the plant as if it was the most unassuming thing in the world, “My wives picked it out. Just a little thank you for when you took care of Hinatsuru when she was sick. I told ‘em I thought it was kinda unflashy but they thought the little purple flowers were cute so, here you go! Put it somewhere everyone can enjoy, yeah?” He put the pot into Shinobu’s hands.

“Uzui-san,” Shinobu twirled the potted plant in her hands, “do you think I’m an idiot?”

“Huh?”

“I know what you’re doing. This is nepetalactone, catnip.“ Shinobu was still all smiles, but an unmistakable shadow seemed to fall over her eyes. “Just what were you hoping to accomplish here?”

“H-hey— I didn’t know!” Uzui waved in hands defensively, “Like I said, my wives—“

“Your wives had already gifted me a lovely fruit basket a few days ago.”

“Well would you look at the time! I better go home, nice talking with you, Kochou!” And in a puff of smoke he was gone, leaving Shinobu alone with the catnip.

“He is much too old to be acting like such a child.” Shinobu shook her head in disbelief.

She looked back down at the plant and sighed. Now what was she going to do with this? Tea might be good, but she really didn’t want to risk exposing (Y/n) to the catnip in any form… no matter how curious she was about how she would react.

“To the woods with you then.” She decided, making her way through the mansion to the nearest door to the outside. As long as she didn’t run into (Y/n) along the way, all would be fi—

“Get out of Shinobu-sama’s house!” (Y/n) hissed as she skidded around the corner.

“Ah!” Shinobu hopped from one foot to the other as a chipmunk scurried between her legs and zoomed down the hall.

Having not seen Shinobu, (Y/n) ran into her before she could stop herself and they both fell to the ground. The pot upturned in the fall, covering them both in plant debris and soil.

“Oh no, Shinobu-sama, are you okay? I’m sorry! Someone left a door open somewhere and a chipmunk got in, but don’t worry I’ll… I’ll… oh, what is this?” She asked almost sluggishly rolling a leaf between her fingers. Shinobu snatched her wrist to make her stop.

“(Y/n), we must wash this off immediately, do you understand? Oof!”

(Y/n) face planted into Shinobu’s chest and the loudest purr Shinobu had ever heard from the demon began to rumble through her.

“(Y/n), are you okay? We should really get up.”

Slowly, (Y/n) rose her head and all Shinobu could see was a black abyss, her irises had been completely swallowed up by her pupils, something Shinobu had never seen to this severity. Sometimes when (Y/n) saw a bird through the window or she got the zoomies, her pupils would round out, but never to this extent.

“(Y/n)?” Shinobu tested again.

(Y/n) didn’t answer her, but her purring did get louder. She flopped back down and began rolling around nuzzling Shinobu every other roll across her body, further smushing the catnip as well.

Shinobu wanted to be serious, they were in the middle of the hall and covered in dirt, but she couldn’t help but chuckle as the cuddle attack persisted, (Y/n) leapt on top of her and attached to her back when she tried to get up.

Suddenly (Y/n) stiffened, alerting Shinobu to look ahead down the hall. The chipmunk was back.

“Kekekekeke!” (Y/n) clicked, bracing herself against Shinobu’s back in a hunting stance.

“Don’t you dare use me as a starting block. If you are going to act more cat than demon, then you had better shift before you cause any real damage.” Shinobu warned.

But (Y/n) wasn’t in a very rational state of mind to heed that warning. She sprung off of Shinobu’s back and chased after the chipmunk on all fours, slipping and tumbling multiple times because of the restrictiveness of her kimono.

“Oh no,” Shinobu got to her feet as well, mentally apologizing to whoever would have to clean the mess on her behalf, “(Y/n), come back! You better not eat it!”

With how hepped up she was in catnip, Shinobu was worried she’d hurt herself or someone else on accident so she couldn’t leave her alone. She ran after (Y/n) and it was thankfully not to hard to catch up to her. With her terrible coordination at the moment, she kept banging into walls and slipping on the floor. Shinobu tackled her and pinned her to the ground, trying to block the fleeing chipmunk from (Y/n)’s view. She really hoped someone else would take care of the little pest.

(Y/n) struggled and wiggled against Shinobu for a moment, but another hit of that sweet, sweet catnip had her docile as a lamb again before long and the purring started up again.

“There we go… just relax.” Shinobu lightly scratched behind (Y/n)’s ears, a known favorite spot, she smiled when (Y/n) snuggled into her hand and closed her eyes.

Then the cat demon began to shrink, but having seen the process on multiple occasions, Shinobu didn’t flinch. With an amused breath, she untangled the cat from the bundle of clothes and neatly folded said clothes before setting the cat on top of the pile and taking the whole thing in her arms.

“Let’s get you to bed so you’ll have a safe place to rest while this wears off.”

Shinobu placed (Y/n) on the bed and then got to work, placing all the contaminated clothes into the wash and putting on something fresh. She laid out a new kimono for (Y/n) as well to wear once she awoke. Then she took a moment to watch her sleep, all curled up in a ball.

Part of Shinobu really wanted to go to Uzui’s house and put laxatives in his afternoon tea, but in the other hand, a dusting of blush highlighted Shinobu’s cheeks, the over-excited cuddling had been rather sweet, pleasant even. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to grow a little catnip in the herb garden from now on. In smaller doses she could probably get the cuddly ratio she would like best.

Of course (Y/n) was rather cuddly normally, but Shinobu had felt a little jealous since Mitsuri came to visit a few days ago. Mitsuri was a cat whisperer and that extended to cat demons as well apparently. Shinobu would have liked more reassurance that (Y/n) liked her more, but of course she was too stubborn to tell the demon as much. The next time Mitsuri came to visit, Shinobu would have a secret weapon up her sleeve to keep the cuddles to herself.

[ask-good-cop-bad-cop]

"Helmet"

“So whatever happened to your helmet? I noticed you stopped wearing it lately. Did you lose it?”

Bad Cop glanced up from his phone when Benny spoke. “No, we still have it. Just don’t really need it anymore.”

“You know, it’s kind of funny, we always thought you wore it all the time cause you needed to, uh... you know… hide your other face when you two switched.” Bad Cop snorted in amusement.

“You can see for yourself that’s clearly not the case.”

“Yeah… So why did you wear it all the time?”

“Business liked to throw us around when he was mad. Only took one concussion to convince us to get it.”

Benny winced. “Oh, wow… That’s uh… wow.”

“Mm.”

They sat in awkward silence for a minute. “So… What about you?” Good Cop eventually said. “How did you get the crack in yours?”

Benny gave him a sheepish grin. “Nothing so tragic. Lots of people think I had some sort of accident in space. I was planetside. With my crew. Doing something totally inadvisable. The helmet did its job though and kept my face intact.” Good Cop leaned back in his chair, laughing.

“Don’t elaborate, please. It’s more fun trying to imagine what on earth you could possibly have been doing to break your helmet like that.” Benny chuckled with him.

“Thanks for sparing me the embarrassment, I guess. It was pretty stupid. Space Corps was kind of ticked off at me too, for being so careless with my suit. I never really got the chance to get a new one after that because Master Builders were outlawed like a week later.”

Good Cop fell silent. “We’re sorry about that.” He said quietly after a minute. “For helping him.”

“Hey…” Benny reached across their table to take his hand and give it a gentle squeeze.  “It’s in the past. You’ve learned better- and so have we. It’s not something you’ll ever do again, right?”

“Never.” Bad Cop promised.

@coppernauts--week

[harrywavycurly]

Hi Sarah this is so random so don’t feel like you have to do it 🙈

But could you give us some random conversations with Eddie and the reader when they are pregnant? I just see them having super cute moments but also funny ones! Thank you xx

Hiii babes!! So just thinking of Eddie as a dad to be makes me wanna just turn to puddle of mush so thank you for wanting this and I hope you enjoy💖

*Eddie being willing to do just about anything to make you happy is what I live for also this is a mixture of fluff and like sassy realness lol*

“Are you allowed to do that while you’re with child?” “With child? What century are you in?” “I mean you’re…with a child.” “Don’t ever say that to me again.” “Got it.”

“Why do clothes that are so small cost so much money?” “Because they are extra cute and tiny so they have to charge more.” “You’re fucking with me.” “Nope it’s called the cute and tiny tax. Look it up Munson.” “It’s scary how convening you can be.” “What do you mean?” “Well come on, tiny tax? That’s not a real thing.” “Are you calling me a liar?” “Oh shit are you crying?”

“What about pizza? You love pizza.” “I don’t want that.” “Okay oh I’ve got it what about that weird sandwich you craved last week? I can make that for you.” “I will literally throw up on you if you even try to make me eat that right now.” “That’s a no then…uh pasta?” “That doesn’t sound horrible.” “Okay I’ll take that. Now what kind? We have like three different options.” “I don’t know.” “Please don’t cry sweetheart. I’ll just make them all okay? Let you pick and I’ll have whatever you don’t want. Just don’t cry baby.”

“Give me your hand.” “Oh no I’m not falling for that again.” “Eddie please give me your hand.” “What is that?” “You felt that? It’s the baby kicking.” “Holy shit.” “Are you crying?” “Yes. I just felt my baby kick for the first time I’m entitled to some waterworks.” “You’re so precious Eddie Munson.”

“Do you want to be called daddy or dad?” “I think I’ll save daddy for you princess.” “Why are you like this?” “Sorry. Dad is fine.” “Oh what about father?” “Too Darth Vader for me baby. But really dad or like what do babies say? Dada? That’ll be fine I’ll respond to anything they wanna call me.” “What if they call you Munson?” “They absolutely will never call me that.” “Oh oh what if when they are mad and they call you Eddie?” “You think they’ll be that mad at me one day to call me by my actual name? I didn’t learn Wayne’s name till I was like ten.” “I mean teenagers can be mean.” “Thank god we have time to prepare ourselves for that. But if they ever call me Eddie I’ll let you handle it.” “Me?” “Oh didn’t you know you’re totally the bad cop on this duo baby.” “No way in hell! I’m the good cop you asshole.” “You just proved my point sweetheart.” “You’re so annoying.”

“I feel like a whale.” “Am I allowed to tell you how beautiful you look or will that get me in trouble?” “You’re allowed.” “You look fucking stunning baby. I know they say pregnant woman have a glow and they were right. You…just take my breath away every time I see you.” “Laying it on extra thick today are we?” “Just being honest sweetheart.” “You like me all big and pregnant?” “Honestly I do. So much so I wouldn’t mind seeing you pregnant again after we meet this little metalhead.” “I’m gonna need you to slow your roll Munson. Let’s see how this pregnancy goes before we plan the next one.” “Fine. But really you’re fucking sexy as hell okay? If you ever forget it don’t worry I’ll happily remind you.”

“Thank you Princess.” “What are you thanking me for?” “For wanting to have a baby with me.” “Well thank you for sticking around.” “Oh you’re gonna have a hell of a time trying to get rid of me now baby.” “Oh god am I stuck with you for good?” “Yup I’m afraid so.” “I guess there’s worse things I could be stuck with.” “I feel the love princess.” “I love you Eddie.” “I love you too baby, both of you.”

“Have you ever thought about how you’re a walking party of two?” “I can’t say that I have.” “Like when we go to Benny’s we could say Munson party of three.” “Eddie is this what you think about while you’re home alone?” “I mean…yeah. It’s just really mind blowing knowing there’s a whole human inside of you right now.” “I know it is pretty wild to think about.” “Like you have two hearts inside you.” “I do. Yeah.” “That’s so fucking cool.”

“How’s this?” “It’s fine Eddie, I swear you’re not hurting me by putting lotion on my belly.” “I just don’t wanna put too much like pressure anywhere and make you have an accide-” “It happened one time and you swore you’d never bring it up again.” “Sorry sorry I didn’t mean to. I love you.” “I love you too.” “And I love you as well my little metalhead.” “Did you just kiss my belly? Why are your lips so cold?” “I don’t know? Wanna warm them up for me?” “That was smooth Munson.” “Hear that little one? Your dads still got it.”

“Baby? What’s wrong?” “I can’t sleep I’m having a hot flash.” “Okay let me get the fan.” “But then you’ll be cold.” “I’ll be fine baby I’ll just get an extra blanket. Besides I love sleeping with the fan on, the sounds are very relaxing.” “You hate our fan it squeaks too much.” “What are you talking about? The fan squeaking is the most soothing sound my ears have ever heard sweetheart.” “I can just sleep in the living room with the fan it’s fine.” “Baby please just get back into bed.” “You swear you don’t mind the fan?” “I swear.”

[annoyangle]

ever get kicked out of a bar? what’s the story?

OH HO HO MAN I'VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF A BAR LOTS AND LOTS OF TIMES. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL REASONS, DRUNK, DISORDERLY, SETTING PEOPLE'S TONGUES AND TEETH BACKWARD IN THEIR MOUTHS ON A BET, THAT KINDA THING.

SO CHECK THIS OUT...

THE ONE THAT I THINK OF RIGHT OFF THE TOP IS THE TIME ME AND ABOUT SEVEN OTHER MES GOT REALLY REALLY LOADED AND WERE DOING A BARCRAWL ON THE UNPRONOUNCABLE SYLLABLE OF MADNESS (THAT'S ITS NAME, IT'S LIKE A PLANETOID CATTY CORNER TO THE LEFT FROM LOTTOCRON 9) AND SO WE'RE ALL COMPLETELY SLOSHED RIGHT, LIKE SO SLOSHED WE WERE WOBBLING LIKE HONEYMOONERS ON WATERBEDS. AND WE GO INTO THE NEXT BAR ALL READY TO REARRANGE PEOPLE'S ORGANS AND PICK THEIR POCKETS ... WHEN WE GET IN THERE, THE WHOLE BAR IS FULL OF TIME COPS. I MEAN FULL LIKE, THE CONVENTION JUST LET OUT FULL. AND WE'RE LIKE CLUMPED UP IN THE DOORWAY, "OH. UH. HI??"

SO A COUPLE OF US KINDA JUST KEEL OVER ON THE SPOT AND A COUPLE MORE OF US TAKE OFF ONLY THEY'RE NOT STABLE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY WATCH WHERE THEY'RE GOING, SO ONE OF THEM TUMBLES INTO ONE OF THE TIME COPS, AND PICKS UP HIS TIME GUN AND STARTS BLASTING AWAY! TURNING TIME COPS INTO BABIES AND BABIES INTO STOCKBROKERS AND ACCOUNTANTS! I DON'T KNOW WHY THE TIME COPS HAD SO MANY BABIES AT THAT BAR. I SUSPECT SOMETHING UNSAVORY TO DO WITH TIME BABY WORSHIP, BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT FROM ME! ANYWAY, ONE OF THE MES GOT HIT AND TURNS 2D AND SLAPS INTO THE FLOOR, SHOTS ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE, AND WE'RE ALL SCREAMING AND RUNNING FOR COVER. POSSESSED TIME GUY FINALLY GETS TACKLED BY A REVERTED TEENAGER TIME COP AND ONE OF THE OTHERS JUMPS ME, AND WE'RE WRESTLING AND BREAKING STUFF AND OCCASIONALLY CLIPPING THROUGH THE FLOOR BECAUSE LIKE I SAID I WAS REALLY, REALLY DRUNK AND THE 2D ME IS FREAKING OUT AND MAKING THE WHOLE GROUND GLITCH...

ANYWAY WE'RE WRASSLIN' AND CURSING AND GLITCHING ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I SUDDENLY FEEL THIS TIME AGENT BOOT RIGHT IN MY EYE, RIGHT? AND I GO FLYING, LIKE FLYING FLYING, OUT OF THE BAR AND ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STREET? AND GOOD THING TOO BECAUSE THE 2D ME THAT WAS STUCK IN THE FLOOR CONTINUED TO COMPLETELY FREAK OUT AND BASICALLY BURNED THE ENTIRE BAR TO THE GROUND? SO WE'RE ALL RUNNING AND RUNNING AND TIME AGENTS ARE COMING OUT WITH CHRONOLOGICALLY MISMATCHED BODY PARTS AND THEIR FEET ON FIRE AND STUFF. I MEAN, IT'S A FUNNY STORY NOW!

[thatastrobae]

🌻They rarely fight, but when they do it’s funny af. Margo’s sarcasm and Miles’ sassiness is a recipe for pure comedy.

🌻Margo is the weird one fs, but Miles is the one who asks “Babe, would you love me if I were a worm?”

🌻Margo changes her avatar’s hairstyle every hour and her actual hairstyle every week. Miles absolutely loves how versatile she is.

🌻Miles’ Spanish is intermediate, but Margo (who doesn’t know a lick of Spanish) thinks he’s an expert. She always compliments him on how beautifully he speaks it and this motivates him to learn more

🌻She sees that Miles draws their friends often and wonders why he rarely draws her. Little does she know, theres a stack of sketchbooks in his nightstand that feature no one else but her. He draws her every night before he goes to sleep, wishing she was beside him.

🌻Rio is happy that she finally has someone to share chisme with. They love talking shit about Miguel.

🌻When they’re outside, Miles never lets her walk on the “road side” of the sidewalk. This form of etiquette isn’t practiced in her dimension so when she looked up the gesture, she almost swooned

🌻There's an endless amount of songs that can display how she feels about Miles: her favorite one is 'Cool People' by Chloe x Halle

🌻Ok, hear me out. Margo is an MJ variant. Her middle name is 'Janelle' (or anything that starts with J). Only her family calls her MJ so when her dad casually said "I like your new boyfriend, MJ" Miles was floored. With her permission, he starts calling her that too.

🌻Margo get's the cutest sets of coffin-shaped acrylic nails 💅🏾 and Miles often has her massage his scalp with them. The feeling makes him purr like a kitten

🌻When she was little, Margo really wanted to be a cop when she grew up so sometimes she and Miles play pretend in Jeff's car to appease her inner child. Jeff didn't have it in him to get mad cause it was too cute.

🌻She is saved in Miles' phone as 'Pixel Princess'

Photo Credit: @juicetea_ via tiktok

[lefaystrent]

Friendly Neighborhood Criminals Part 4

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: platonic Patton/Dark Sides

Summary: Tis the season for spooks.

Alternatively, this has nothing to do with Halloween and everything to do with how three criminals changed a young man's life.

Ao3 Link: click here

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

WARNINGS: Past child abuse, depictions of panic attack

-------------------------------------------------------

The Fall season comes in full swing.

It's Florida, so the temperature only dips slightly instead of plummeting like in places other than Florida. It's a cheery season regardless, because first comes Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and finally Christmas and New Years! This will be the first year Patton will be able to celebrate without walking on eggshells.

And Halloween! He's never been able to celebrate Halloween before! He had been told numerous times that it was the Devil's holiday, but all the kids in his old neighborhood had such cute costumes and their houses were decorated with carved pumpkins and funny skeletons. Patton is for sure going to get his hands on a pumpkin this year to carve himself!

And...maybe his new friends would want to carve some with him?

They've been sharing so much with Patton lately. By now, his home is practically overflowing! His fridge is always full, and just the other day Janus stopped by with a coffee table. He said he was going to throw the table out anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. Patton was touched all the same that he thought of him.

And therein lies the issue. What has Patton ever done for them? Other than not call the cops? That first night they met seems so distant now. And since then, they have given and given and-

What has Patton done? Just accept their gifts and kindness every time. A one-sided friendship like that is not a friendship at all! It was...

Selfish.

Patton's eyes grow distant as fog rolls in. A ringing buzzes in his ear.

He's been trying hard not to think about it. To remember. He just wants to think about the positives in his life now. He wants something to look forward to.

You're so selfish. Don't you know how hard we've worked to raise you?

A wave of apathy shrouds him. His hands tremble, and he watches stupidly as he drops what he's holding. That's right, he's supposed to be stocking the shelves. They have lots of totes to work. He likes the repetitiveness of stocking, and he enjoys filling up the empty holes on the shelves, to line them up all neat and pretty. It makes him feel good, like he's made a difference or something.

Why are you crying? I haven't even hit you yet.

Patton can't breathe. Joan has come over to talk to him. They're standing right there, and Patton can't breathe, can't move. Joan likes stocking with Patton. They told him so. They said that Patton's always cheerful and puts them in a good mood. And Patton can't make them mad. He can't disappoint. He doesn't want this to happen at work. He's been so good, so good–

Children are like snakes. They lie and they take, and they take–

If that's true, then why did they keep him? Why didn't they just...let him go? If they hated him so much?

Joan has him by the shoulders and the touch scalds. He's sitting down on the floor. When did that happen? He doesn't remember sitting or falling, he's just there now. And Joan's face is pinched with worry.

Oh.

He's messed up.

***

Patton sits huddled in the break room. Joan had removed him from the store floor at some point. Time is coming back to him sluggishly. The tightness in his chest remains, but he'll be okay. He'll figure out how to smile again soon. He just needs a breather.

Perhaps the season has brought an onslaught of memories with it. It would explain why he hasn't slept much these past few days. And why his stomach rebels at the mere thought of putting food in his mouth. When he lived with his parents and he was really hungry, his mom used to eat in front of him and tell him how good her cooking was–

Patton's fists clench on his thighs. He takes a deep breath that rattles his lungs.

He's not there anymore. He's not.

It's a cycle, the thoughts. They catch him off guard and he has to build his barriers anew. He forgets that he's supposed to be waiting for Joan to come back. At least, he thinks he's supposed to wait for Joan to come back and let him out. He's not supposed to open the door. Dad hates it when he tries–

The door opens. Joan has returned and they hold the door open for a black clothed figure.

Patton squints. "Janus?"

"Hello, dear. What's this I've heard about a dizzy spell?"

Patton can't sus out why Janus of all people is standing here. Here, in this dirty breakroom with its white plastic table and microwave that doesn't latch closed correctly. Janus dresses too nice to be in a retail store breakroom. Yet he walks in like he owns the place.

"What are you doing here?" Patton says woodenly.

Joan frowns. "He was on your emergency contact list. I'm sorry Pat, but I think you should take the rest of the day off, and I'd worry about you getting home alone."

"You're my emergency contact?" Patton wonders. He's pretty sure he left that blank on his application form.

Joan's frown deepens. "...did you not know?"

Janus butts in and starts petting at Patton's hair with a gloved hand. "Poor thing is so exhausted, he must have forgotten. Come along, Patton. I have the car waiting outside."

"But....but I have to work," Patton tries. He really tries. The thought of going back out there, pretending to be happy, it breaks something inside of him. But he has to. He can't let them down.

Janus leans forward to meet his gaze. His eyes soften. Patton didn't know he could look like... like that. "Patton, sweetie, it's okay to rest when you need to."

"It is?"

Janus's jaw clenches and before Patton can think he might be mad at him for speaking, the softness is back and his voice is lilting in sympathy, "Yes, sweetie. It's better to take care of yourself early, before you run yourself into the ground. You've worked hard enough. Your manager was just telling me what a good employee you are. They want to make sure you're healthy. Will you help me do that?"

Patton can't deny him. He lets Janus haul him up and pull his arm around his for support. Arm in arm, Janus bids Joan a farewell and they leave the store.

As they walk, Janus pats at his hand and tells him that he's doing a good job. Patton doesn't believe it, but it's nice of him to say it. It's odd to see Janus here, without the other two. Whenever it's all of them, Patton can use the others as a buffer. Janus still intimidates him. It's not his fault; Patton just can't be normal.

Outside, there is indeed a car waiting for them. It's a sleek maroon sedan. Patton doesn't know cars past that. It's fancy and probably worth fifty grand at least. It makes him wonder how they can afford stuff like this by breaking into poor people's apartments. There has to be more going on in their lives, other jobs that Patton isn't privy to.

Janus ushers him into the backseat and follows him in. It's leather interior, of course. In the driver's seat sits a familiar face.

"Your worst nightmare, reporting for duty," Virgil says, deadpanned.

"We really must work on your people skills, Virgil," Janus drawls. He doesn't wait for Patton to buckle himself in. He reaches over and does it for him, leaving Patton to blink at what just happened.

"Like you work with me for my people skills," Virgil fires back. In the rearview mirror, his shadowed eyes meet Patton's, serious. His tone shifts, gentling. "You okay back there, Pat?"

Patton wonders if he looks like a deer in the headlights.

He hums an affirmative and nods.

"Cool, ready to get home?"

"Actually, Virgil, I was thinking a change of scenery might be in order."

Virgil shoots Janus an unimpressed look. "You don't think he wants to go home?"

"He said he doesn't," Janus lies smoothly. "Let's head back to the lair. It'll be good for him."

For some reason, Virgil startles and whips around to stare wide-eyed at Janus. "What? Why? Why there? We could go literally anywhere else!"

"Because I said so. And also, because it will most likely be the best place we can take him that won't stress him out further. Wouldn't you agree?"

Virgil growls out some protests, but in the end he faces forward and jerks the gear shift into reverse. They cruise out of the parking lot and down the road they go.

Patton most certainly never mentioned a desire to not go home. Why would Janus lie about that? And what is the lair? Patton thinks of cartoon villains with their evil lairs. Maybe he's being kidnapped and he'll never be seen again. Mwhahaha.

Patton doesn't watch out the window like Janus does. He stares forward at the back of the driver's seat, letting the world pass around them. Partway through the drive, Janus holds his hand out to him. He doesn't look over, but the hand hangs there in the air, waiting.

Twenty seconds pass, and when it's still hanging, Patton reaches up to grasp it in both of his. He sneaks a peek at Janus, but nope. The man acts as if nothing is occurring.

Patton ensures that he doesn't hold too tightly. He lets the hand sit in his lap, palm upwards, and he kind of runs his fingers over Janus's. The glove is smooth cotton, not as silky as he originally thought. He plays with the finger joints and fiddles with the glove tips, and he doesn't think about bad things.

The lair is revealed to be a sinister looking apartment complex in downtown. And by sinister, it's completely average. It's a series of gray brick buildings, each with second floor apartments with outside staircases. Virgil pulls up to one of the buildings.

"Last stop, all passengers please depart," Virgil mutters. He doesn't wait for them and hops out himself. Patton watches him take the stairs two at a time and duck into a second floor apartment.

Janus snickers, "He's probably rushing to clean before you see the pigsty he and Remus live in."

Patton slides his attention over to him. Janus hasn't made a move to remove his hand or reprimand him for still holding it. He's watching Patton, warmth brimming in his eyes that can't be for him. He props an elbow at the window and leans his chin on a fist.

"They live here?" Patton asks. It's dumb of him to ask, because Janus more or less just confirmed it, but he can't stop himself.

"Oh yes, like the gremlins they are."

"Why are we here Janus?"

"To visit said gremlins in their natural habitat."

"...why am I here, Janus?"

And there it is. Patton has finally found the will to question them in their endless series of complicated generosity. He wants to know more than he wants it to continue. He needs answers, even if it costs him.

Janus appraises him. He doesn't act confused or angry. He knows exactly what Patton means. "Because believe it or not, I meant it when I said you deserve a rest. And letting you go back to that lonely apartment of yours will only be counterintuitive. You'll look at those same walls and that brain of yours will try to play tricks on you. Don't think I haven't noticed how tired you are."

Patton swallows back the shame. "I'm sorry," he whispers miserably.

Janus swoops in and nudges his chin back up from where he looked away. "Don't be sorry, darling. Be angry. Be gallantly angry at this world that has failed you. Live to spite those that tried to ruin you. Don't let them win."

Patton grips at the hand in his lap, and the hand squeezes back. "I don't like anger. It scares me."

"When you first met me, I scared you, didn't I?"

It's true. As much as Janus has done for him now, Patton can't rid his mind of the yelling from that night, the sheer ferocity of it.

Janus swipes a thumb across his cheekbone. "I'm sorry that I did, but I can't say I regret it. Do you know why?"

Patton shakes his head.

"What came after that night?"

They did. They stayed in his life. They filled the empty void in his apartment and his soul. They kicked off his new lease at life with a flurry of chaotic excitement. They were so interesting, and complex, and different than other people. Most days, Patton waited for when they would show up next.

Janus lets him think about it. He doesn't have to answer; Janus can see where his mind strays. "That wasn't so scary, was it? It's alright to be angry. It's what you do with it that matters. Some of the most influential people changed the world for the better simply because they got angry enough."

Patton glances down at the hand he holds. He leans in a little at the hand still placed on his cheek. "You're not mad at me though, right?"

Because even now, he has to make sure the voices in his head aren't right.

"Never, love. Never."

***

The inside of Virgil and Remus's apartment is a cluttered mix of Gothic meets scene kid. Decorating the walls are band posters, artwork of live action and cartoon TV shows that are somewhat recognizable, and haunting landscape paintings. There's a metal shelf entirely dedicated to skull sculptures. Centered on the middle shelf is a giant crystal skull with a gear shaped clock in its mouth.

Patton looks up in wonder at a large, black spiderweb hanging from the corner of the ceiling. Nestled inside are various stuffed animals, some of famous fictional horror monsters and lots of Pokémon. Like so many Pokémon. It continues with little figurines of them on floating shelves.

"Oh," Patton utters, glancing this way and that. There's just so much to see! There's a massive boardgame collection on the other side of a dining table, filling up every inch of two shelves pushed together. And there's a neon standing lamp shaped like a martini glass! And elegant black and purple curtains that you'd find in a vampire's house. And goodness! The centerpiece of the table is a small rainbow Christmas tree decorated in Halloween ornaments! It's got little orange pumpkins and black bats. And sitting in one of the chairs is a human sized plastic skeleton, head tossed back like it's in the middle of a good laugh.

"Wow," Patton says in awe. Lair indeed.

He jumps when a door slams. It's Virgil. He's pressed back against a door and smiling sheepishly.

"Just don't open this one," he says.

Janus stands there, arms crossed. "Did you just toss your collective mess in there to worry about later?"

"....no."

"Right, I suppose that's where the dead bodies are stowed then?" he suggests. Then he turns around where Virgil can't see to share a secret shake of his head to Patton to let him know that he's kidding.

"No, that's Remus's room."

"Indeed. Well, that certainly won't come back to bite you later. Let's eat then! I don't know about you, but I'm famished."

They filter down a little hallway to the kitchen. Despite this being Virgil's and Remus's apartment, Janus knows where everything is located. He opens cabinets to pull out spices and a mixing bowl and orders Virgil to retrieve some thawed chicken from the fridge.

"Remus was gonna make chimichangas."

"Well, Remus isn't here, so we're going to use it to make alfredo. He'll be absolutely devastated when he comes home to a meal already prepared."

Patton watches them while fiddling with his fingers. He doesn't want to interrupt but he doesn't want to stand there uselessly. Did they even want him to follow them to the kitchen anyway? Patton could be intruding. Maybe he should–

"Patton dear, could you come sit up here please? I have a task for you."

Patton obliges and follows Janus. He hesitates when his 'chair' is indicated to be the kitchen counter. Virgil doesn't bat an eye, so he hops up.

"Wonderful," Janus approves. "Now, Virgil is going to cut up the chicken for me while I prepare a bread option for us and perhaps a salad. I need you to supervise Virgil while he works."

Virgil snorts as he drains the chicken package into the sink. Patton doesn't think Virgil needs supervision. Patton's the youngest person here, he's sure.

Janus whispers behind a hand, "He has a thing about raw meat, so keep an eye on him, will you? Oh also, here, eat this."

A pudding cup materializes out of nowhere and is deposited in his hands along with a spoon. It's chocolate and vanilla swirl.

"Oh, okay," Patton responds too late. Janus has already moved across the kitchen. Virgil slides in on the counter to replace him.

"Don't listen to him, he's a worry wart. And that's coming from me."

Patton fights back a grin at their antics of playfully trying to undermine each other. "I don't know wart you mean," he says quietly, and it's the kind of joke that he would usually keep to himself. The kind that no one wants to hear and only he thinks is funny.

But Virgil...he laughs.

Dazed, Patton watches Virgil hide his face into the shoulder of his hoodie where he gives an adorable snort-giggle.

"What's so funny?" Janus calls over, hearing the bout of amusement.

With a big grin plastered on his face, Virgil tells him, "I said you're a worry wart, and Patton said, 'I don't know wart you mean'."

"Terrible. Absolutely horrendous. Tell me more."

And Patton keeps them company while they prepare dinner. Virgil chops the meat, Janus tosses together a salad mixture and pulls out a bottle of wine, and Patton nibbles at his pudding in between telling shy puns that he's collected for years.

Dinner is ready by the time Remus returns. They hear his motorcycle engine rev as they're setting the table.

Janus rolls his eyes. "Of course he shows up after it's already ready."

Four plates are dished out and a minute later, Remus swings open the door. He's shuffling his feet in a dance, tossing his keys into a pretty ceramic bowl while he sings.

"With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride~"

And then he stops mid-twirl as his eyes land on their get-together. More notably, the fact that Patton is sitting there at the table beside the perky skeleton. He goes unnaturally still, a perfect statue in leather studs.

Patton offers a timid wave. Virgil throws a breadstick at him to no affect. "Just come eat, you doofus."

A sly grin stretches up Remus's face. "Did you guys kidnap a cute little puppy while I was away?"

"Is it really kidnapping if it's consensual?" Janus debates. "Also, we're having chicken alfredo. I tried to tell Virgil you wanted to save the chicken for chimichangas, but he just wouldn't listen to me."

Virgil hacks into his wine glass and throws a breadstick at him next along with some colorful swearing. Janus laments the waste of carbs, the only thing he's truly sorry for.

Remus saunters over and sits across from Patton. He doesn't seem broken up about the change of meal plans at all and tucks into dinner. He slurps down a noodle messily.

"So Pattycake, what's a guy like you doing in a dank hole like this?"

"Oh, your place is really cool actually... I like it, it's got a lot of..."

"Skulls?"

"Clutter?"

"Diseases?"

"Character," Patton finishes after everyone takes a turn.

Remus shrugs. He offers a bite of pasta to the skeleton, but the skeleton must not be very hungry and chooses not to partake. He carries on eating unperturbed.

And they eat together, and chat together, and laugh together. As if Patton isn't invading their space. As if he belongs there.

Patton's hands only shake a little bit.

After the meal, Remus lays down in the middle of the living room floor, limbs star fished out. He begins snoring less than a minute later.

Patton gawks at him in amazement. "Did he really fall asleep that fast?"

"You should see him fall asleep standing up," Virgil says. He leans closer to Patton, his voice taking on a conspiratorial tone. "Better yet, I've seen him fall asleep with his eyes open."

"That's possible?!"

"No, which is why I don't think he's human."

Patton stares at Remus in a new light, and he must be making a face because Virgil sniggers. The volume doesn't bother Remus in the slightest. If anything, he snores louder.

Janus collects the dirty dishes and piles them together. "Remus had a long night. I say he's earned himself a rest...for now."

"Do you want some help?" Patton asks, jumping up.

Janus waves him off. "Don't worry about it. You're a guest. If anything, our host here should be tidying up."

Virgil scrunches up his nose. "Ew, dishes. Sounds like pleb work."

Janus goes to cuff him on the back of the head, and for a second Patton's heart leaps into his throat, but Virgil ducks out of the way and scampers off in a comical run, snickering and calling Janus an old man.

"This is the thanks I get for raising them," Janus says flatly in a way that belies his amusement. He gathers what dishes he can and carries them off to the kitchen.

Patton sits at the table alone with the skeleton. Janus said he doesn't need help...but could that be a test? He doesn't seem that mad at Virgil for skimping out. In fact, he acted like it was to be expected.

He doesn't want to let the moment pass though and get it wrong. Just in case, Patton scoops up the remaining glasses and takes them to the kitchen.

Janus has begun filling the sink up with soapy water. His jacket has been removed, and he's in the middle of rolling up the long sleeves of his yellow button up. The gloves are gone as well. There are tattoos swirling up his forearms.

He takes one look at the dishes in Patton's arms and he clicks his tongue at him. He comes forward to take them from him. "Thank you dear, but I have this part under control. Why don't you go spend some time with Virgil? He could use some company. Plus, I think you're a good influence on him."

"Really?" Patton blurts out, distracted.

Janus smiles kindly as he deposits the dirty dishes in the sink. "Don't act so surprised. Virgil's more lively when you're around, and Remus actually settles down now and then. Now run along. Make sure they don't get up to trouble for me."

Patton scurries off.

In the living room, Virgil lazes on the couch, head resting on the arm. The TV remote spins in his hand.

Virgil spies him and asks, "Wanna watch a movie, Pat?"

Patton agrees and soon a film is playing. It's a superhero movie, one of the Avengers movies. Patton hasn't seen much of the others, so he listens to Virgil explain the characters and bits that he doesn't recognize. Virgil offers to watch them in order, but Patton enjoys listening to him more.

Eventually, Virgil's descriptions become less frequent. Patton glances over to find he's nodded off. Remus snores away on the carpet, dead to the world. From the kitchen, Patton can hear the dishes clinking lightly.

He thinks this is what home is supposed to feel like.

Later, Janus finishes cleaning up the kitchen. His boys have been suspiciously quiet, so he goes to check on them.

In the living room he finds them all conked out. Virgil dozes on the couch, and Remus still on the floor, but the part that really inspires him to sneak out his phone and steal a picture is Patton.

Patton lays on the floor sound asleep, using Remus's chest as a pillow. He's tucked into the crook of his arm, and Remus snores on, oblivious to the cute little puppy seeking warmth from his big guard dog.

Janus is making that picture his home screen.

[vince-noir-666]

Source

What's new for this series? Are there any new games or updated rounds?

I feel like people love the Buzzcocks format and they would freak out if we changed it. The show is so famous it's one of those that can go on forever and it doesn't matter who's in it.

The weird Mick Hucknall game that Greg is obsessed with is back. He essentially puts Mick Hucknall's picture over someone else's face and we guess who's behind it.

What can you tell us about the guests this series? Who can we expect to see?

The Nova Twins were on my team who were hilarious... and telepathic. They're for young people but I'm quite interested in their music. There's also been Suggs from Madness and Harry Hill, which was exciting. Katherine Ryan was also very funny.

Gregory Porter was absolutely amazing. No one really knew what he was going to be like, because he has that smooth beautiful soul voice, but he was really funny. He pitched it really well. Americans are always good at that, coming in, working out what is going on, then finding the right level and tone and joining in. He is a class act.

What has been your most embarrassing celebrity encounter?

What, ever? Jesus... When I was partying, I had a lot of weird encounters. Pete Doherty bit my ear once. Not off, but he did draw blood. I'm trying to think of things that won't get other people in trouble.

What's the best thing about filming Never Mind The Buzzcocks? What's the worst?

I have a soft spot for the show because I spent five or six years doing it with Phill Jupitus so it's part of my life weirdly. It's always 'Bs' with me, there's some kind of magic with the letter B. Boosh, Bake Off and Buzzcocks. I'm scared to make a show that doesn't begin with B.

I like that it's about music as there doesn't seem to be any other shows out there about music. I love all the people on it so it's easy for me to do. I also like the fact there's an audience because it makes it quite exciting.

You first appeared on the show way back in 2007. What's changed since then?

It's interesting doing it this time now that I'm older. When I used to do it, I would get shitfaced before the show and take the guests out to The Groucho Club and it would end up really messy. I would sometimes even do the show without going to bed the night before.

I remember once I hadn't been to bed for a few days and when I came into the studio, Lorraine Kelly chased me around and spanked me over the desk with a wooden spoon. At that point I didn't know if I was dreaming, or if that was real, but I knew I needed to go to bed.

Another time I was out at a party, and someone had to come and get me and bring me in. Weirdly, they went quite well, those shows.

Now I've got two children, it's more like a cup of tea and then home.

Which of your fellow panellists do you have the most rivalry with?

I like taking the piss out of Greg, but me and Jamali aren't that bothered about winning. We're not adverse to cheating but to be honest we never win so it doesn't make a difference. I feel like we've only won once throughout the whole three series! The downfall is down to us both.

Which panellist is the cheekiest?

I wouldn't describe anyone as cheeky, so maybe that means I am. Greg's quite cheeky, he makes it quite jovial and fun. Daisy is the most ridiculous, and I mean that as a compliment, because she says things you would never think of saying and does things that you can't believe your eyes are seeing. Jamali is absolutely vicious, he can destroy people. He is the most troublesome because he absolutely annihilates the identity parade line-up but that's his thing, he's like a viper. He just sits back and bang.

Who has the best banter?

Me and Greg have quite good banter because we've known each other for quite a long time. We did stand-up together so we're old mates. I love working with Jamali, we're like the double act that no one knew they needed in a bad cop movie.

Who on the panel causes the most chaos?

Daisy. She is chaos. She dresses amazingly though and has been killing it with some amazing dresses and looks.

If you and your fellow panellists were in band, what would that band be called and who would be the lead singer?

Oh Jesus Christ. I'd have to be the lead singer, wouldn't I? Greg on drums. I feel like Jamali wouldn't turn up, he couldn't be fucked, but if he was there, he'd be on bass. I'd have to be pulling some shapes at the front although Daisy could also do that.

If you were in a band, which other celebrities or musicians would you want to play alongside?

I used to be in a band with Serge from Kasabian called Loose Tapestries. We never performed live, but I would've liked to. It was mostly TV soundtrack stuff.

I was also the lead singer in couple of bands years ago, around the same time I started comedy, which were called Smee and Slam Icabod.

I've also done some things with Razorlight. I did a gig at The Royal Albert Hall and Jonny Burrell came on. What was good about making The Mighty Boosh, was that Julian [Barratt] and I could make different types of music but when you're in a band you have to choose one genre. We could do surf rock, electro, funk, and jazz because it was a comedy show.

Who would be your dream Glastonbury headliner?

Elvis would be good, I love Elvis. The Beatles would be good, but don't tell Jamali I said that. Black Sabbath or Jimi Hendrix would be amazing. The Doors as well.

I used to go on stage with Kasabian dressed as Vlad the Impaler and dance around like Bez, a vampire Bez, and one time I went on at Glastonbury. Dolly Parton was on before them, so we chatted for about half an hour, and she complimented my outfit. There must be a picture of us somewhere.

What's your favourite album of all time?

That's a hard one. I'm going to have to say Sticky Fingers by The Rolling Stones. My mum and dad are full rock and rollers, so I grew up on Led Zeppelin, Hendrix, The Doors, The Stones, The Kinks and Black Sabbath. I like the Beastie Boys too.

When we did The Mighty Boosh we were quite into the Wu Tang Clan and Kool Keith. Lots of rap. Beck was quite big then too. Iggy Pop, The Peaches, Joni Mitchell. I like folk, I like everything.

First gig?

It was probably Status Quo or David Bowie with my parents. It was a good start. I remember seeing Oasis before they had an album out. When I was in college it was the likes of Blur, Pulp, Oasis, and Supergrass. When we got famous as The Boosh, we were hanging out with The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and The White Stripes. Then it all went a bit pop.

No disrespect to pop but it's not my thing, X Factor and all that shit. I feel slightly sorry for the kids. Not that I don't love pop - I love ABBA, I love The Bee Gees and Britney Spears. I love bands though, there's something quite magical about bands.

Five of us would perform as The Boosh - if it went well, we could go and celebrate together, and it would be us against the world. You want to like a band when you're young, don't you? Someone that's a little bit rebellious.

[brienneoftarth1989]

Undercover part 7

Miranda Hilmarson x fem reader

Previous / Next / Series

Summary: You let Miranda cool down for a bit before going to her room to apologise to her. Your intention was never to upset her. You barged in on her changing which revealed the undercover mic under her clothes. She was a fucking cop!

Warnings: gangs, violence

Requests open

———————————

You had finally finished up with your friend in the white room and knew you were definitely finished with him. You had all the information you needed so the only thing left to do was clean up and get this motherfucker back to his gang.

Normally you would get someone else to do this part of the work but you were currently so pissed out that you didn’t want to speak to anyone at the moment. You knew you needed to apologise to Miranda but while you were still mad it was a very risky move.

You grabbed some of your tools and started to wipe the blood off them. The last thing you needed was to have your tools covered in blood. Doesn’t give much of a good impression, not that anyone really cared. With your tools now all cleaned you placed them back into the torture box ready for their next use.

You picked up the box of tools before leaving the white room and heading up to your office to put your tools in their safe place. It wouldn’t bother you if they got stolen but you do like to know where they are at all times just in case you need them. That’s why you always left them in the same place.

With them now in their home you went to grab some cleaning supplies before heading back to the white room. You got some strange looks from your fellow crew most likely wondering why on earth you were doing the clean up instead of someone else. They knew you were most likely pissed off because you only do jobs like this when you're annoyed.

That is why they left you be. With yourself back in the white room you got back to work cleaning the mess you made. This was the only problem with the white room; it got dirty real quick. You immediately got to cleaning everything up. You started with the table wiping down the dried blood that had come off the tools.

You then untied your victim and just left him on the floor so he was out of the way. You wiped down the chair he had been sitting on before placing it on top of the table. Now comes the long task. You filled a bucket up with bleach before diluting it with a little bit of water so it wouldn’t damage the walls.

You got to work cleaning the walls while you had some music playing in the background. The current song playing was the last great America dynasty which had to be one of your favourites. As the time went by you found yourself slowly getting the job done. After a good two hours you could finally say the white room was back to white.

You gathered up the cleaning supplies and took them back to the storage cupboard. On your way back you happened to come across Raphael. “Hey can you give me a hand with the one still in the white room?” You asked him.

“Sure thing boss” Raphael responded as he made his way over to you. The two of you headed into the white room to sort out the last thing that was in there. Before you could start lifting up the bloke Raphael started to talk. “What happened earlier between you and Miranda?” He asked somewhat curiously.

“Oh so you heard about that?” You responded. “Unfortunately I think everyone heard that argument. So what exactly happened?” He asked. “I gave her a show. Most people that work for me would love to see something like that but instead she told me I was sick in the head for what I did to him and that there were better ways around it” you sighed visibly upset.

“You like her don’t you?” Raphael responded. You looked shocked as if what he just told you was utter rubbish. However, that was far from the truth. You did like her and you thought what you did would maybe impress her. “Look boss I don’t care if you do like Miranda but just be careful. For whatever reason I just have a funny feeling about her” Raphael responded.

“Oh whatever Raphael” you replied not wanting to listen to what he was saying. “Come on, can you give me a hand with this?” You asked as you pointed down to the bloke laying on the floor. “Yeah sorry boss” he replied as he helped you pick the man off the floor and carry him to the back of your truck.

“Alright I’m off to go and drop this one off at his gang and then I’m going to grab some food so I will speak to you lot later. If you need me for any reason then just give me a call” you told Raphael as you jumped into your truck.

You put the destination in the satnav and started on your drive to their hideout. You turned up the radio to find the way I loved you was playing. Such a typical song for how you were feeling right now. You continued to drive around as you made your way deeper into the city and into another rough part of town.

When you finally arrived at their hangout you were quick to pull up, tossed the bloke onto their drive before speeding away but not before shouting “have this motherfucker back!” You watched in your rearview mirror to see two of the gang members look at your truck before quickly attending to their mate.

That will show them not to mess with you or your gang again. With that now sorted you decided to quickly swing home to freshen up. You hadn’t had a chance to shower or even change clothes which was very much needed if you were wanting to pick up some dinner.

As soon as you arrived home you were quick to start a small fire in the fire pit. Once it was roaring you stripped out of your clothes and placed them in the fire. You had plenty of money to replace them plus it got rid of any evidence and DNA. While the small fire was going and burning the evidence you headed upstairs to have a shower.

You didn’t want to hang around too long as you had places to be but you knew you needed to let the fire burn a little bit longer so you decided to do your full cleaning routine especially as you had blood on you. You turned the shower on so it was nice and hot. You have always loved a nice hot shower.

You got your waterproof speaker and placed it in the shower before connecting your phone. The first song that came blaring out was suburban legends. Another favourite of yours. You then got started cleaning yourself.

You started with washing your hair with shampoo before rinsing it out to then wash it with conditioner. With your hair now clean you started with your skin routine on your face. You started with one that helps remove excess oils, then one that targets white heads and then one that targets blackheads.

With your face now cleaned there was one last thing you needed to do which was wash your body. You made sure you were nice and clean before washing away all the soap and getting out of the shower.

You made your way to your bedroom to get changed before quickly doing something with your hair. You didn’t want to do anything too fancy as it would just take too long to do. Once you were sorted you made your way back outside to see what the fire was doing.

It was almost burnt out but you could tell it was still very much hot. Once it was cooled you would bag it up and then spread it at one of the local campsites in the other fire pits. Pretty genius to be honest.

You decided on having five guys for dinner so you got back in your truck and made your way over to the nearby five guys. As soon as you got there you went straight to the drive thru to order your food.

You decided to order two cheeseburgers, two grilled cheeses, two portions of chips and two salted caramel milkshakes. You decided to get two of what you ordered because you really wanted to surprise Miranda.

You had been thinking a lot about what happened and you realised that maybe you were a jerk and you shouldn’t have assumed that she would have liked the show you put on for her. Therefore a nice food surprise would hopefully cheer her up and you could find the time to apologise to her.

With food now in your car, you drove down to the warehouse where you knew Miranda would be. You were honestly excited to see her and you only could hope that she would like your surprise. When you arrived you quickly parked up the truck before heading inside.

You made your way straight to Miranda’s room which you gifted her when she first arrived. You tend to offer your best employees with rooms in case they want to hang around or stay the night. Miranda got hers purely because you had feelings for her but that’s besides the point.

You knocked on the door and let yourself in not even waiting for an answer. What a rookie mistake. You were greeted by a half dressed Miranda with something hanging on her chest. “Is that a mic?” You asked her as you looked at her to see wires on her.

Miranda just looked at you in shock, scared about what you might do. “For fuck sake Miranda is that a fucking mic?” You screamed at her. You felt so betrayed. You trusted her. You really liked her and she was ratting you out to someone.

You stormed over to Miranda as you tackled her to the ground. “Please wait y/n! I can explain!” She begged you. “Yeah you have a lot of explaining to do!”

“Raphael!” You screamed to which he came running in. “What is it boss?” He asked before examining the scene in front of him. “Help me take her to the white room” you replied.

[milfjagger]

okay so... give us the list of folk horror films that are good please. 🤲

ok this took a while but here we go! it ended up being more than 10 lol

the wicker man (1973) - the definitive british folk horror film. midsommar wants to be the wicker man soooo bad it's embarrassing

the blood on satan's claw (1971) - i haven't seen this one in a long time but it's a pretty chilling early 70s british film centring around a demonic cult in 18th century england

night of the demon (1957) - ok so you know the sample at the beginning of hounds of love by kate bush, where a voice says "it's in the trees! it's coming!" that's from this film!!!! just barely in the folk horror category but it's based on a story by m.r. james who is one of THE iconic folk horror writers so imo it counts

a warning to the curious (1972) - also based on a story by m.r. james, this was part of a long-running annual bbc series called 'a ghost story for christmas'. it's only about 30 minutes long and very dated but I think that gives it extra charm and even a bit of extra creepiness

the juniper tree (1990) - icelandic retelling of the grimm's fairy tale, starring björk and featuring an incredibly beautiful soundtrack

the company of wolves (1984) - based on the short stories of angela carter in her compilation 'the bloody chamber'. this is probably more fairytale horror than folk horror but i LOVE this film and if you like intense psychosexual overtones and incredible practical effects then you will too

the devil rides out (1968) - classic hammer horror with christopher lee so you know it's gonna be a banger

wake wood (2009) - probably the most underrated irish horror film of all time (and that's saying a lot bc there really aren't many). really scary film with the "came back but wrong" premise. watch this one

the hallow (2013) - another one from ireland. it's not amazing but including it bc i don't think i've ever seen another horror film fully embrace the idea that faeries are actually terrifying. practical effects are also cool as hell

kill list (2011) - i'll be honest with you I didn't understand half of what was happening in this film and it's been on my to-rewatch list for ages. it starts out as a cerebral cop drama and descends into absolute madness like it literally has to be seen to be believed

a field in england (2013) - probably the modern folk horror film that comes closest to what british directors were doing with the genre in the 70s. it's trippy, impenetrable and often kinda funny, i really recommend this one

pyewacket (2017) - offbeat canadian indie film that you will either find really creepy or really boring. i thought the ending in particular was incredibly chilling

the ritual (2017) - i feel like everyone has seen this film at this point but i had to recommend it anyway bc it blends folk horror with monster movie and it's super fucking terrifying. i also highly recommend the novel by adam neville which if anything is even scarier

the witch (2015) - again everyone has seen this and has an opinion but it's one of my favourite horror films of all time

pet sematary (1989) - the iconic stephen king classic that is still really scary to this day

pumpkinhead (1988) - another film that is super underrated imo. people who love the creature design in the ritual should remember the OG

men (2022) - controversial opinion perhaps but i think this film was actually kinda brilliant. if nothing else it is super twisted and horrifying

on my list of i haven't watched this yet but people say it's really good: penda's fen (1974), witchfinder general (1968), the lair of the white worm (1988) (i know i know i call myself a ken russell fan and i haven't even seen lair of the white worm)

a radio play: children of the stones on bbc radio 4 (available on spotify hee hee)

and a couple of books: fairy tale (1996) by alice thomas ellis, and the owl service (1967) by alan garner. the owl service is for kids but it really did a number on me aged 12 and it still holds up as a classic. I think there's an old bbc series but i haven't got round to watching it yet :)

[inventors-fair]

Double-Checked: Mistake Contest Winners!

Our winners this week are @helloijustreadyourpost, @hypexion, and @reaperfromtheabyss!

@helloijustreadyourpost — Boros Bomb Squad

I almost gave this card a 0/10, as I was talking about in the modhouse, because you missed the best possible flavor text: "One way or another, something's getting disarmed." C'mon, it was right there! I'm mostly yanking your chain, though, because while it might be a little pushed depending on the environment, I think this card is both a) situational enough so it's not a problem and b) very funny. As a common, there's not much that you need to do to have situational removal work, so this card as a Shatter-bear is probably comparable to other commons without too much issue.

Humorously, the mistake aspect of this card is pretty on the nose. The Boros grunts have no idea what they're doing, and goblins on Ravnica usually meet this sort of fate. Or at least, they do if they're the subjects of Izzet experiments. Reading up on the goblin varieties, it's funny in a sad way that these goblins have a sense of duty and self-preservation and yet are still being sent in to do dangerous technical work that's probably gonna get them blown up. I suppose that's what happens when you try to join the league of the demigod-angel-cop-ghosts, right? I know the trope has been done before, but that doesn't matter when it's done right. Mistakes are following these guys all the way up the chain of command.

@hypexion — Archive Overflow

You are playing with fire—or, well, knowledge, but knowledge that is also fire. This card in limited is a phenomenal way to refill your hand and get every land drop and advantage you need, and in any kind of storm-enabling combo for casual/commander play, hoooooly crap, this card is good. Beyond good. Obviously the discard will get you if you're not careful, but for one, this ability will resolve before card-draw spells so metering it will be a skill check, and for two, there are really fun madness decks that would absolutely love this card.

Maybe a zillion years ago this card would've been too powerful, but I think that there are dangerous games at stake here. Honestly drawing out in limited would be a genuine concern. But that's balance for you, and I'm a fan of what this card does. I especially like the Kamigawa callback to both the seven-card "Wisdom" throwback and the cheeky One with Nothing callback, intentional or unintentional as that might be. In the realm of big blue draw enchantments, this is one of the trickier ones to contend with, and you did a phenomenal job with a deceptively simple concept.

@reaperfromtheabyss — Collateral Seizer

This week had a few weird cards, but again, lots of trope-adjacent ones, and demonic contracts were surprisingly few and far between in terms of magical mistakes. Seems fitting that this one does it both well and really scarily. I think that if you're going into a limited game in black, you should have some kind of plan following this card, because otherwise... Well, maybe you'll have a 7/7 flier, sure, but what's happening on the other side? I think that the flavor of this card is solid enough for me to give its relatively normal base a pass, i.e. what it does and what it says depicts a game state that both resonates and creates a thoughtful callback to the best of Magic's drawbacks. (FWIW: because you control the ability, I don't think you need "you" in the second paragraph.)

The first mistake that people might make is not realizing that the Collateral Seizer can actually count itself, so even if they get rid of it, you'll get back your own demon. It's seizing everyone's collateral! Following that, the ability to exile-recur your big stuff is a major bonus in any color combination, because if you're ahead on board, this card offers your opponents one big swing, and then presumably you draw into the crackback and/or you can chump with your nontoken creatures and make big tokens to swing at them too. I'm thinking of this in the best possible terms, which...might be a mistake, actually. Hold on. Are you playing 4D chess with me here to get me to think I can make this card work? Is that the contract? Huh. ... Perhaps not, but I don't really know what "Marley-esque" means and the internet's no help, so that's all I got.

Runners comin' up soon. Woot. @abelzumi

[thegeminisage]

ranking voyager characters from favorite to least favorite

i meant to do this at the end of season 1 and again after the finale but we'll just have to go with at the end of season 2 instead

seven of nine - i haven't met her yet but i just know.

janeway & tuvok - cop out to do a tie? possibly. they remind me so much of kirk and spock respectively. every time i go "oh no it's gotta be tuvok" it switches to janeway. every time i go "oh no it's gotta be janeway" there's another good tuvok episode. tuvok is such a wonderful look into vulcan culture through the eyes of someone who was not alienated from it and abused by it, and you never doubt his ability to get ANYTHING done, even if it's sketchy as hell. i think about his wife of 68 (almost 69! nice) years and his 4 babies and his orchids and his lute all the time. man can SING. on the other hand, janeway is such a breath of fresh air after deanna troi - who i love, but who was constantly victimized for being a woman. janeway just gets to be janeway - she's excited about exploration, she's deeply compassionate, and none of these things make her weak anymore than they made kirk weak. sometimes her adherence to her Ideals is a little picardian, but i forgive her, because she reminds me way more of kirk

chakotay - sometimes a man builds a bathtub and your opinion of him rises by. a lot. i've always liked the difficult position he was in of trying to balance maquis and starfleet interests and protect both sides from themselves and each other, but the ADDED LAYER that for much of the journey he has CANONICALLY been in love w janeway is simply too much to bear. also, i think his trust issues w betrayal are very gripping and they compel me. he has been through so much SHIT and i do love a little traumatized guy. ALSO also, they don't do enough w this in canon, but in my mind palace he and tuvok HATE each other (chakotay hates tuvok for being a spy, tuvok hates chakotay for nabbing first officer job), which i think is extremely funny

the doc - my best friend the emergency medical hologram...i like that he's a brand new kind of person, even if it brings up infuriating questions about the status of all these endless holodeck characters we create and then carelessly abuse or delete. he doesn't have a name! people treated him like he didn't exist! watching him come into his own and bond w kes has been one of voyager's great delights. also, gay king.

b'elanna - she doesn't always get a lot to do but when she does it's almost always good, racism episode notwithstanding. what i like most about her is how ride or die she is. she was willing to get her ass beat to give tuvok a tiny chance of escaping torture, she was willing to die to take down her own superweapon, she defended chakotay when his actions were entirely indefensible (AND she's secretly in love w him?? girl.), she will not hesitate to do any number of crazy things for Her People, and since she's estranged from her family or whatever they are all aboard this ship. you couldn't ask for a better friend than b'elanna and good for her. also, she gets to be gay with janeway about once a season so far which i've really enjoyed. she could do so much better than tom paris

harry - harry also rarely gets anything to do, but that makes his episodes all the more distressing. he's just a little guy! the so-called baby of the ship, until he was replaced by an actual baby with tiny adorable mother-killing spines on its head. i'm still mad that the really big important harry kim episode we got turned out to be such fucking garbage when the concept was SO good, and i'm not super hopeful for his future, but who knows. btw, he could also do better than tom paris. he and b'elanna could ride off into the sunset w/o him

kes - i don't dislike kes, and her scenes with the doctor are especially nice, but i feel like she, like deanna, gets victimized a lot, and her whole thing with neelix was so difficult it's hard to get the taste of it out even though it's over now. that said, i do love how compassionate and mischievous she is, and i love when janeway gets to give her mom hugs :( <3

neelix & tom paris - another tie. this is so difficult for me because i started out HATING tom paris and really liking neelix, and a few plotlines/episodes made me reverse my opinion. tom paris got a lot better when he was like yeah i decided i'm not gonna be a shitheel anymore! especially that he went on a multi-ep arc tricking us into thinking he was backsliding when really he was doing secret agent shit. props! but he's still not terribly interesting. neelix was AMAZING in the atom bomb episode but my interpretation of him as a guy who was gentle not in spite of but BECAUSE of past suffering didn't last long when he decided to be so fucking horrible to kes for no reason. i really want to get over it with neelix the way i got over it with tom paris, but for now they're both at the rock bottom of this list

for fun, i think my season 1 list would have looked like: janeway, tuvok, doctor, b'elanna, chakotay, harry, neelix, kes, tom paris. probably? it's hard to know now. we'll see how all this shakes out by the end of the series.