#the consequences being stupid petty arguments

[random-kido]

thinking of stupid college au again

[house-of-lovin]

legally binded - 7

Jenna Ortega x F!Reader

masterlist | series mast. | prev. part | next part

Chapter 7: The Afterparty

Summary: After getting caught in some hot waters with the press, you are forced into an unexpected agreement with America's sweetheart, Jenna Ortega to save your career.

Warnings/Tags: dual!pov, famous!reader, actress!reader, mentions of substances, intoxication, mature language, real people. (do not read if any of these make you uncomfortable)

(this is all fiction!)

Note: so... lovely weather we're having. 🙂

Word Count: 4k+

“Where’s Y/N?” Enrique asked as the door of the van shuts closed, for a moment, the incessant sounds of camera shutters and the crowd shouting her name become muffled.

And in that same moment, Jenna feels like she can finally breathe properly through her own lungs. 

“Upstairs,” Jenna mumbled, leaning her expertly pinned hair against the headrest, and closing her eyes.

“I take it things didn’t go well?” He fiddled with his cap, frowning as he watched the young actress’ exhausted features.

Jenna hummed in confirmation but said nothing else, looking out the tinted window as the van started driving slowly. 

Staring up at the hotel, she scanned the various, nearly identical windows for your hotel room. Jenna didn’t even know if your room was facing this direction but she looked anyway, a wishful part of herself hoped to catch a glance of you.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be okay. You two will be okay.”

Jenna snorted, shooting her stylist an incredulous look. “I thought you were mad at her?”

“I’m mad at her for being stupid and for hurting you… even if she is a cutie.” He rolled his eyes, getting comfortable in his seat.

The actress laughed. “Don’t let her hear you say that, you know she has a massive ego.”

Enrique joined in on the laughter before his tone dropped, “You know Sarah and Liv are going to find out that the two of you didn't go to the same party…”

Right now, Jenna could care less about whatever kind of consequence she may get. The embers from her argument with you are still burning bright.

“That’s an issue for later.”

***

Jenna tried to make the best of a bad situation.

She really did.

Even though this wasn’t how she expected to spend the rest of her night — she somehow found a way to let loose. Maybe after she found a few familiar faces that pulled her in to dance, tipped back a few drinks and sang along as Janelle Monae performed for her after-party.

But even still, under the guise of alcohol and a good time. There was an unpleasant churn in her stomach whenever she allowed her mind to drift off to you.

“I’m gonna go to the washroom!” Jenna yelled through the music. Enrique nodded, continuing to cheer Janelle Monae on stage.

Laughing, she walked away while shaking her head; amused at her friend. Glad that he’s having a good time. One of them deserves to be having fun, at least.

As Jenna pushed through the heavy-panelled door of the powder room, she sat on the couch and placed her purse down. Grateful to be stretching her aching legs. 

She takes a second to breathe and in that moment, allowed herself to think about you; wondering which party you went to and who you were surrounded by.

And for a split second, that unpleasant churn in her stomach reemerged as her mind drifted to all the worst possible outcomes of what you could be doing tonight.

Are you safe?

Is someone looking out for you?

Jenna’s decided not to ask Link about you this time, deciding that you two do, in fact, need space for the time being.

She knows she should apologize for the way she acted all day, even all week. Jenna knows she was just projecting her unresolved feelings about you from Coachella and instead of just telling you that she’s been worried and just wants you to talk to her, to let her in. 

She decided to be petty and give into the heat of the moment, instead..

Jenna hopes the two of you can talk about it later tonight. But then she remembers the fact that you’re probably drinking, partying and doing god knows what else so that conversation and apology would probably have to wait until you’ve sobered up.

Standing, Jenna's decided she's had enough of wallowing in her own misery and walked over to the sink to wash her hands.

“Oh, hi!” A sweet-sounding higher pitched voice greeted her from behind after the sound of a door opening and heels clinking.

Immediately, she linked gazes with a certain Hailee Steinfeld through the mirror.

Jenna tried hard to school the surprise on her face.

“Hello…” Jenna smiled politely and glanced away, continuing to wash her hands.

“I’m Hailee…” The other woman greeted, sliding into the sink beside her, a pearly white smile on her full-pink lips.

“I’m Jenna, I would shake your hand but…” She gestured down to the running sink.

Hailee shook her head and laughed. “It’s okay, I’m glad to finally meet you! Can I just say how gorgeous you look! I thought your carpet look was amazing but this — you look stunning!”

“Oh! Uh— Thanks?” This time her surprise is hard to subdue. Feeling flushed under the weight of the other woman’s compliments.

She's never been great at accepting them. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you embarrassed,” Hailee smiled sheepishly. Her thick brows furrowing in her own embarrassment. 

The heat begins to crawl up her neck. “It’s okay! I— I appreciate it. You look gorgeous as well.” 

Taking the time to scan her, the younger actress has to crane her neck up to see Hailee’s face — it’s no wonder you ended up dating her. The woman is gorgeous. 

She tries to stave the green-eyed monster clawing at her chest at the thought of you two together because the woman standing across from her has been surprisingly pleasant.

“Please!” Hailee waves off, smiling softly, turning to wash her own hands.

Jenna allows the silence to take over the room, unsure of what to say next. After washing her hands, she turned off the sink and walked over to grab paper towels.

Hailee cuts in before she can think about it too hard.

“Hey,” The singer called out as Jenna was about to pick up her purse, “thank you... for looking out for her.”

“What?” Jenna turned, raising her brows in question.

Hailee sighed, leaning against the counter to face Jenna.

“I know Y/N’s not the… easiest. She tends to push people away. I think it’s just the way she’s always been. I’m not really sure. With the whole Vegas situation and these rumours going around about a possible arrest — which, you know, is bullshit, Y/N doesn’t do drugs — her first instinct would’ve been to run and push people away. But you’re still here… so something tells me you’re special.”

Jenna feels her heart drop at the other woman’s words. 

“Y/N can be reckless and cold at times, but I think it’s just an act," She continued; smile contorting sadly, “so she doesn’t actually have to open up to people… I’ve—uh, tried, so I kinda know.”

Jenna was stunned, unsure of what to say to that. Hailee made it sound like you were the one that got away or something. She also caught the openness that accompanied her tone, like the other woman had accepted the circumstances of the situation.

Like she just... let it be.

There wasn’t a lot of things Jenna was certain about but she knew she didn't want to feel that way about you, to just accept your coldness and inability to let people in.

“Anyways, she said you’ve kept her standing on her feet these last few months.” Hailee smiled softly, sincerity burning bright in her eyes. “So thank you, 'cause she deserves someone patient like you.” 

“Thank you…” Jenna finally managed to say despite the barbed wire feeling around her throat.

You really said that? Did you mean it?

If you did then she feels terrible.

“No, thank you, I was scared Link and Y/N were gonna grow old and still be living together. They’re weirdly co-dependent.” Hailee jokes, breaking the heaviness in the room.

Jenna couldn’t help the snort that leaves her mouth. 

And just like that, it felt like two friends enjoying an inside joke.

Jenna's laughter trails off before it turns to a heavy sigh as she grabs her purse. “So I should probably apologize to her, huh?”

The corner of Hailee's mouth tugs a small smug smile. “Depends on what she did… maybe let her sweat it out for a bit more then apologize.”

Jenna chuckled before nodding. “Noted… thank you, Hailee.”

Hailee nods, smiling softly as Jenna turned to walk out of the bathroom.

A surprisingly pleasant feeling appeared in her chest the farther she walked away.  

She felt a bit lighter after that conversation, which is a shock considering she just talked to your ex-girlfriend. For a moment, Jenna felt guilty for her earlier reservations about the other woman. Not wanting to admit that she had let her jealousy cloud her judgment of character.

Hailee had nothing but great things to say about her — and you for that matter. A testament to how, despite your hot and cold demeanour, there’s someone worth knowing underneath.

Ugh. She hated it when she was wrong.

But there was also that nagging echo in her head that had to admit that she was glad she was wrong about you.

I’m sorry for what I said. Can I come see you? Are you still at the other after-party?

Swallowing her pride, she hit send then walked back to the party to find Enrique, hoping she can distract herself as she waits for your reply.

20 minutes go by without a response and Jenna doesn’t know if she should start feeling annoyed or worried; the line between the two is thinning by the second, she concluded. She decided she leaned more on the latter and stepped away from the party once again. Roaming the halls before stepping out onto a secluded balcony; grateful for the warm night in the early May month. 

Pulling out her phone from her clutch, she called Link immediately, knowing that if anyone knew your whereabouts it’d be him.

“Hello?” Link answered breathlessly and in the background, the actress can hear sounds of traffic and people talking over one another.

“Link? Can you hear me?” Jenna spoke into the lonely night air.

“Yeah— yeah, sorry.” It sounded like Link walked away from the noise because when he spoke again, it sounded much clearer. But she immediately noted the urgency in his voice. “Hey.”

“Hey, I texted Y/N 20 minutes ago but she didn’t respond, is everything okay?” Jenna got to the point, chewing her lip.

“Shit—“ Link cursed. “Uh, about that.”

“Link, what does that mean?” Jenna felt every muscle in her body tense at his words, like before a big drop on a rollercoaster.

“We can’t find her.” Link confessed. 

Jenna’s stomach dropped. Yeah, except that rollercoaster has just derailed.

“What do you mean you can’t find her?” 

“We lost her. She said she was going to the bathroom but she never came back.” He recounted nervously.

“What—“ Jenna was dumbfounded, mind on overdrive as a sudden wave of coldness washed over her body as she processes what she’s just been told.

You're missing.

No one knows where you are.

“Are you looking for her now?” Jenna manages to ask, gripping the balcony railing for support. She thinks she feels a little light-headed but she pushes that thought away because you are more important, right now.

“Yes, of course. We checked everywhere. But uh—it’s been almost two hours since anyone’s seen her…” Link hesitated before confessing.

The last thing they need is for Jenna to start freaking out too.

Jenna’s stomach dropped again. This time she feels like she’s been launched off the rollercoaster entirely and is free-falling mid-air.

“Hey, hey, it’ll be okay. She does this, it’s kinda her thing. We’ll find her soon. Don’t worry.” Link reassured after Jenna doesn’t respond.

“When was the last time that she did this, Link?” Jenna asked shakily.

A beat passed before the man answered. “Vegas…”

“Shit…” They said in unison.

“What—what do we do?” Jenna asked.

“Just keep texting and calling her. I’m out looking for her right now, I have her entire security team with me.” He reassured her once again but she can still hear the trepidation in his tone.

“Okay…” Jenna trails off, not really sure if she’s actually listening at this point.

“Jenna— we’ll find her, don’t worry.” Link said with certainty but it didn’t ease the anxiety in her chest.

“I know…” Jenna mumbled, grasping her phone with a mighty grip and forced herself to take a calming breath. “Okay, okay. I’ll start calling her. Maybe I should go back to her room, in case she comes back?”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea, keep me updated Jen.” 

“I will.”

The line goes dead as Link hangs up.

“Shit.” Even with Jenna’s trembling fingers, she contacted your number with haste.

But the call never even rang. 

***

It’s past 2 AM and no one has still heard from you. 

She had left you a total of 26 missed calls and almost 50 text messages. That’s not even counting the ones she’s sent you through Enrique’s phone.

At this point, Jenna was ready to go to the police but Link advised her that they wouldn’t be able to do anything because it hasn’t been 24 hours yet. Your closest confidant also warned her of adding fuel to the fire with the press if headlines that you're missing are released.

The actress feels an excruciatingly sharp pain forming in between her brows; the early stages of a migraine, the longer she paced around your room.

“Where is she, Link?” She chewed on the bottom lip, anxiously. “What if something bad happened? She doesn’t have security with her...”

“Her whole team has been driving around the city looking for her but we already checked the other after-parties and she wasn’t there. I hate to say it, Jenna, but if Y/N doesn’t want to be found, you won’t.” Link sat down on the couch in the living room.

The wrinkled exhaustion and worry were clear as day on his face. Jenna sighed, sitting down beside him. “I know you tried your best. Thank you for looking…”

“Yeah… of course. How are you though?” He turned, scanning her equally exhausted features. 

“I feel terrible if I had just tabled it like she said–”

“Hey–” Link cuts in, shaking his head. “Don’t. Y/N’s gonna do whatever she wants, you can’t put this one on you.” 

Jenna nods unconvincingly, slumping against her seat. “What about you? How are you?”

He stared off, deep in thought. “She’s like my sister, you know. We didn’t have it easy growing up. I know she’s— stand-offish and hard to get along with at times…”

Jenna turned to face him at his sudden confession, deciding to stay silent.

“You can’t even imagine how many times I’ve tried to quit being her assistant.” Link chuckled, looking up at the ceiling. “But I could never really do it. ‘Cause even though she has these massive walls around herself and that annoying-ass nonchalant attitude. I know sometimes this job is a lot… even for her.”

Jenna huffed, slouching back into the soft couch, trying to be understanding. “I know… trust me I know the job, we all do–”

Link shakes his head. “You don’t. Not her story at least…”

Snapping her head to the side, she watches the assistant’s side profile, noting the deep wrinkle on his forehead. “What does that mean?”

She couldn’t help but ask.

He sighed, “It’s not my place to say but Y/N's been through some stuff. Stuff that you wouldn't wish on anyone.”

“What?”

He sighed again, debating if he should open the can of worms. “At the time, I was living with my grandmother. She’s the only family I have left, it’s probably why I can’t let go of Y/N too. The money I make from working with her, I send to take care of my nan… But even with all that, Y/N was dealing with her mom.”

“She told me she was controlling or something — wanted more money?” Jenna scrunched her nose in disgust at how someone can treat their own flesh and blood like that.

“She wasn’t just controlling, Jenna… she tried to sue Y/N over it. She tried to take away her right to make decisions over her own career and when that didn’t work she tried to get her to quit the industry."

Jenna’s stomach dropped. “What?”

Linked nodded, watching Jenna’s stunned reaction. “Yeah… Jake and Liv fought against it. It never turned into a legal case, thank god. The judge dismissed her claims but it really fucked with her head you know. That her own mother could do that to her."

Jenna stared off into nothing as she processed his words.

No wonder you’re so closed off and scared to let people in. She felt sick to her stomach thinking about what you’ve gone through and how, even despite all of that, you still managed to stay standing on your own two feet and carry on as if nothing happened.

She wonders how long it’s been since you’ve really let anyone in.

“I knew she’d been dealing with things… these last few months. She had a packed year last year and her schedule was only getting busier. She never outwardly said it was becoming too much but I could see it. It started small; missing texts, calls, alarms… then she wouldn’t come home cause she was partying all night… it got too much. I think that singer and his friends were taking advantage of her fame but she always brushed me off whenever I said something. We even got into a big fight before Vegas so I stayed with a friend for a couple of days to cool off.”

“Link…” Jenna trailed off, she heard the guilty tone accompanied by his words. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“No… I know. Y/N’s going to do what she wants, I’ve learned to accept it. It still doesn’t make me feel any better that she’s in this situation and that I could’ve done something to prevent it.”

Link cleared his throat, sitting up a bit. “Just saying… from Y/N’s person to the other – I get what you’re feeling. She’s definitely not the easiest but I don’t know… when she shows she cares, you know she means it.”

“You think I’m Y/N’s person?” Jenna asked shocked. “We barely know each other.”

Link rolled his eyes, sending her a flat look. “Yeah ‘cause you two communicate through silent looks and then don’t talk about your feelings. If you guys fix your shit then maybe you can be her person too.” 

Jenna opened her mouth for a rebuttal but the sound of something smacking against the wall interrupted her.

Immediately, the assistant and actress spring up, walking spritely to the foyer. When they round the corner, Jenna is torn between feeling relieved or furious.

They spot you, slumped against the wall nearly slipping on your own two feet, piss-fucking-drunk as you dropped the keycard to the floor.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Link scoffed but briskly walked over to help you up, throwing your arm over his shoulder. "What the hell happened to you?"

“Sorry for being a disappointment, Dad.” You mumbled as Link dragged you down the hallway. Eyes barely opened and even then, Jenna can see the alcohol-muddled haze through your slow blinks. 

“What the fuck, Y/N?” Jenna echoed as she watched how you had to be carried, too drunk to do it yourself. 

It scared her, this was not a version of you that she liked. 

She doesn’t want to listen to that small voice in her head again, the one that’s saying you’re bad news. You’re a party animal, this is what you do. You’re reckless. But the other part of her wants to give you a chance to explain yourself, especially after what Link just told her – it’s hard to keep that sentiment when you act like this though.

“Oh hey, Jenna.” You waved as if nothing is wrong, toothy smile on your lips. “I tried looking for you at the party… then I realized we fought and that’s why you weren’t with me. Are you still mad at me?”

Jenna didn’t know what to say so she kept quiet and followed Link as he lead you to the bedroom, nearly throwing you onto the mattress. 

“Fuck, Y/N. You can’t keep doing this.” Link sighed out, taking a few steps back from the bed to scan you. 

“Who’s gonna stop me?” You snorted, sitting up to tug your shoes off, chucking them without care.

“Dude, for real? We spent nearly four hours looking for your ass. Do you realize what kind of trouble you could’ve gotten into if–” 

“–yeah, yeah,” You wave off and Jenna can see Link’s eye twitching and jaw clenching in anger. He knew better than to fight with a drunk person. Especially if that person is you. 

He lets out a deep breath, then turned to younger actress, “I can’t be around her right now. I’m sorry.” 

Then he walked away, slamming the door loudly behind him making Jenna flinch. A few seconds of silence pass without a single movement.

“What are you still doing here?” You asked in a snipped tone, breaking the quietude. Jenna doesn’t know if she should feel offended. 

Crossing her arms, she scans your dishevelled attire. Your tie is loose, buttons are undone, and dress shirt is half-tucked – in short, you looked like a hot mess. “I’ve been calling you all night, where have you been?”

“Phone died.” You yanked your blazer off, throwing it on the floor, “and out… drinking.”

“With who? By yourself or with someone?” Jenna asked, walking closer, and helping you take off your tie.

“Doesn’t matter..” You grumbled as she helped you, looking at a spot on the wall and Jenna clenched her jaw cause you were closing up again.

“Well, it matters to me,” She yanked the tie off your neck.

“Why?” You looked up at her.

“What?”

“Why do you care so much? I thought this was all just for the press?” You pushed off the bed, wobbling on your feet. Jenna took a few steps back but kept close, in case you needed help but you shrugged her attempts away.

She tried not to take it personally.

Jenna called after you but you ignored her and just stumbled to the bathroom. She trails behind, still keeping a close eye.

“No, seriously. You kiss me and let me stay with your family and then you shut me down? What kind of fucked up shit is that?” You spoke up, venom laced in your words.

Jenna knows it’s the alcohol talking. But drunk words, sober thoughts?

“Well guess what? Fuck that. I may be closed off but at least I don’t lead people on.” You seethe, stopping in your tracks to spin around and face her.

The anger in your eyes is not an emotion she had seen before. This was different than your other petty disputes and arguments. You meant it.

Jenna blinked, shaking her head furiously, “What? No! That’s not what I’m doing.”

“I don’t care! I’m over it. If you wanna believe the press over me like everyone else, go ahead. I’m fucking used to it.” You grumbled, turning away to keep walking but this time Jenna grabbed your elbow, stopping you.

“Can you just stop for a second and let me explain!” But you yanked back like you’ve been burned and Jenna thinks she can physically feel her heart splitting down the middle. 

“No, fuck that!” You yelled before taking a deep breath, using Jenna's stunned silence as a chance to keep talking. You looked deeply into her eyes and said the next words with pure conviction. ”I’m sick of trusting people and letting them in just to be fucking burned over and over again — After the Met Gala, I’ll go to Jake and Liv and tell them this is over. Next week, it’ll be three months anyway. Then, we’ll never have to see each other again.” 

There was no slurring in your voice or wobble in your stance as you said those words.

Jenna blinked back the tears forming in her eyes, clenching her jaw. Not recognizing this version of you standing across from her.

This isn’t the same person that treated her family kindly and won over their hearts.

This isn’t the same person that won over her heart.

So, she listened.

“Okay….” Jenna nodded weakly, then turned walking out of your room not being able to look into your eyes.

She missed the instant regret in them as you tracked her disappearing figure.

***

i told y’all this slow burn would be slowwwww.

***

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***

[astroyongie]

Chan for angst game

You know we had to do it 🤣😂😂

-> warnings: established relationship, angst, curse words

Everyone knew you loved Bangchan. You both were dating for over a year and half now and things have been doing terribly well. Perhaps even too well, to the point where people accused you of being too much into him. Although you did everything you could for your boyfriend, you didn't realized that he was taking from you that much.

That until, your boyfriend had received a work opportunity to go to Korea. You were excited for him and you wanted nothing more for Chan to be successful in his career and on the path that he had been working on his whole life. You had been supporting him so far, and seeing him succeeding was heartwarming.

But there was a problem.

Bangchan wanted you by his side. Rightfully so, but doing that meant you had to quit your own job, leave your family and friends behind. Leave the whole life you had behind. Everyone around you told you not to, and again, rightfully so. You guys hadn't been dating more long and you were barely 18. The thought alone of all the consequences and possibilities was enough to plunge you into an anxious spiral. 

“I don’t understand why you don’t want to come,” Bangchan spat, his angry frown focused in front of the suitcase he was filling. 

You were on top of the bed, legs crossed. Biting down on your finger, you tried your best to remain calm. It has been one week since you both had this conversation back to back. Arguments escalated and everyday you ended up crying and Bangchan, upset because he wouldn't understand why you, his precious girlfriend, wouldn't come with him. 

“I just can’t leave everything behind”

“Everything?” he asked, looking back at you. “What exactly are you leaving behind?”

You frowned. “My friends–”

“You don’t have any friends” the words came out dry, a tint of mockery on his bitter tongue as he cut you halfway. You felt yourself grimace. 

“That’s low, Chan” 

“Low, is you trying to ditch me to stay behind, with a family that mistreats you, with friends that hate you and with a job that doesn’t pay well.”

Your lips went shut at his accusations. You couldn’t believe that he was being so mean, so petty, for the simple fact that you couldn't-, no, wouldn't, come with him. The bedroom went extremely quiet, you soft tears rolling down your cheeks as you did the best to control your breathing. Chan kept tossing his clothing into the suitcase. You were already having a hard time dealing with the fact that your boyfriend would leave, but now you also had to deal with his stupid guilt tripping. 

"I wish you could see how much this is breaking me." He suddenly said as he closed his suitcase. You looked up at him. It was hard to discern between the truth and the lies rolling off his tongue.

“I can’t Chan..”

"Why" His voice was ice cold. A warning.

"Because I can't throw everything away just to leave with you-"

That’s when something snapped inside of Bangchan, who’s face flicked in anger. "Fuck Y/n, you are supposed to be by my side! Why can’t you ever do something for me?”

“I do everything for you!” you quickly spat back, not wanting to take any more of his words. Your eyes were stinging but you wouldn't give him the satisfaction of crying. Or at least, you tried. 

Bangchan took a step towards you, grabbing your forearm which made you stand up from the bed. “So what? you can’t abandon them but you can abandon me? Is that what you are saying? after all I did for you’”

You ripped your arm from his strong grasp, the fury behind his iris making your legs tremble. “If you want to leave, do it. But I am not leaving my life behind when there’s no guarantee that things will work in your favor" 

"Wow" He said, clapping his hands dramatically. "Thank you y/n, I always knew I could count on you"

The harsh words made your big fat tears escape your eyes, without permission. You looked away from him as he opened the door of his bedroom. 

“Just get the fuck out” he murmured. 

It was stupid really. The way he was so mad about this, when you guys could have eventually figured it out together. it was ridiculous, the way you had left his bedroom, his home, crying like the pathetic thing he saw you for. But perhaps fate did well. Perhaps, you and Bangchan were never meant to be to begin with. 

[aurora-starwars]

HI can I request Neteyam x fem!metkayina!reader- the reader is a strong warrior the strongest of the Metkayina and is best friends with Tsireya. but she is reckless and once ran away to the Omaticaya where she met Neteyam and they became best friends but started developing a crush on each other (this all happened in the span of a Year) when reader realized that she had to go back leaving the Sullys (Tsireya was very mad). 2 years later the sullys came to Metkayina and they were reunited BFF to<3

Reckless Youth Makes Rueful Age

Pairing: Neteyam x fem!metkayina!reader

Summary: When reader is upset at their punishment for being reckless, they recklessly leave the Metkayina clan and finds herself becoming best friends with a boy from the Omaticaya clan.

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: Nothing really

A/n: Thank you for requesting and thank you for waiting! All the characters are aged up by a few years (except Tuk, because she is precious as is), just because that makes much more sense to the story. Please enjoy! <33333

Masterlist

Looking back, [Name] had always been a reckless kid. Always challenging others to fights, climbing on every rock and swimming far from the village. Many had not known it, but under all of the potential and skill that the young Metkayina warrior possessed was a fearless, but impulsive teenage girl. At every opportunity, the Metkayina girl would throw herself at the nearest sign of danger, not relenting until the matter was resolved or she got knocked out.

Her best friend since she was born, Tsireya, was not very happy when ever she put herself in harm's way. Tsireya, rightfully so, thought [Name] was being an idiot and needed to be more careful. This had been a frequent argument between the best friends and often would lead to days the spent ignoring each other, using petty tactics to get their point across.

The most upsetting part of the arguments for [Name] was that her parents agreed. Tsireya, as much as [Name] didn’t want to believe it, was right. [Name] should be more careful, throwing herself head first into situations she was not fit for just because she could was not sustainable and was rather stupid. And her parents were sure to hammer this point home every time that [Name] got hurt or Tsireya would come back talking of the actions of her best friend.

Tsireya’s “betrayal”, as [Name] saw it, or “trying to keep my best friend safe” as Tsireya saw it, often lead to [Name] being in trouble with her parents for days, if not weeks. This was not something [Name] was rather fond of and was the main disrupt that Tsireya and [Name] had in their friendship.

Usually though, the consequences of [Name]’s recklessness were not too severe, meaning that she and Tsireya, as well as [Name]’s parents, did not fight often. That was until one of [Name]’s reckless actions ended in more damage than she expected.

It was a quiet night, [Name] and Tsireya were out swimming not far from the reef, when [Name] saw Ao’nung and his friends swim out past the edge of the reef. Tsireya and [Name] had a moment where they looked at each other, a similar look of distrust in their eyes. [Name] made her way over to follow them against Tsireya’s pleads, hoping to get a better look at what the were doing.

Ao’nung and his friends were known for their competitive games of hunt and found. All though it sounds childish, this game of finding the other people while they hide from you was a game that these boys took incredibly seriously. The other Metkayina kids, and even some adults, would often ask of the champion of each game, as it had become such a big thing among the young Metkayina.

This game of hunt and found seem to be what the boy’s were preparing for as they swam to the edge of the reef. Every one in the clan knew that few should venture beyond the reef, especially at Ao’nung’s age, and maybe that is why [Name] just kept following them.

As the made it to the edge of the reef, the boys began signing to each other. Just as they were doing so, [Name] looked at Tsireya, whose face looked terrified. She had never been this far from the reef and had only heard of the dangers. [Name] looked back at the boys, and began swimming towards them to let them know that they should not be this far out, and definitely not at this hour.

It was only then when an akula came swimming out of the deep blue, causing all of the boys to start desperately swimming towards the direction of the reef. The akula was fast and seemed to have it’s mind locked on the boys. Seeing this, [Name], with no thought, speeded over to one of the spears one of the boys dropped in their panic.

Manoeuvring around the akula, [Name] was able to stay out of its line of sight while it moved awkwardly towards the frantic group of boys. When the akula slowed down, and it was only for a second, [Name] struck, hitting the predator square in the eye. This cause the akula to writhe around before darting away from the group.

It was only when [Name] had surfaced, that Tsireya reminded her of what just happened. As they swam back to the village, all [Name] seemed to hear was of how dangerous her actions were from Tsireya, and how cool and strong that was from the group of boys, who had apparently witnessed the whole thing.

[Name] was in for it after that. Turns out, her parents did not think her heroic actions were as courageous as the boys did. In fact, they found her actions to be completely idiotic and disobedient. Saying how she had been like this for a while now, and they had let it happen, but this was the last straw and she was to be punished for her reckless ways.

They promised her that she would be on saddle cleaning duty for a 30 eclipses, wouldn’t be allowed to play with ilu for 60 eclipses and would no longer be allowed to hangout with Tsireya until she would stop putting her in danger.

All of this was heartbreaking for [Name], who loved her best friend and playing with the ilu. How would she be expected to function without her best friend? [Name] had figured she had had enough and would find a place where she could be without the pressure of her parents.

So, without thought, [Name] grabbed her saddle and prepared her bags for a trip across the sea. Just as she was about to leave, Tsireya stopped her. [Name] was sure Tsireya was there to stop her, but as she handed a bag of food to [Name], she found the girl just hoped she would get there safely as she knew there was nothing she could do to stop her.

Tsireya was right, and as [Name] rid of into the open sea, she found herself determined to find what she was looking for, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop her.

But as the hours waned on and her ilu began to tire, [Name] started to realize that she had no clue what she was looking for. She was hours, almost a day away from everything she has ever known and loved. Just as doubts began to infiltrate her mind, the view of a beautiful forest came into view.

And that how [Name] found herself following the son of the Olo'eyktan of the Omaticaya clan through the dense but beautiful forest. She hadn’t been there long, it had only been a month or two, but she was really settling in. The Omaticaya people were very different than her own, but [Name] found great sanctuary and interest in their ways. And while it took some convincing, [Name] was allowed to stay so long as she learned their ways and helped in the clan.

Which is how [Name] as been functioning for the last few months, learning from Toruk Makto’s children. As she walks behind Neteyam, son of Toruk Makto, she is reminded of the Sully kids. They had all been very nice to her, welcoming her into their home and treating her as if they have known her for years. They were fast friends, always bringing her along when they went out and ready to tell her anything she wanted to know about the omaticaya people.

[Name] breathed in the air of the forest. It was different here, fresher, greener, instead of the warm moist air of the shore, the air was cold, and while it wasn’t dry, it wasn’t the same sort of damp. The sudden pause in the Olo’eyktan’s foot steps signalled their arrival at their destination. Having only been there a few months, [Name] wasn’t familiar with the environment the same way the kids that were born there were, and so it was important that someone travelled with her at all times so that she wouldn’t get lost.

That person was usually Neteyam, who would always volunteer to walk or fly [Name] where ever she needed to be. Neteyam and [Name] became close friends within the first few weeks of their meeting. Neteyam, ever the lover of his culture, was overjoyed at the prospect of sharing the Omaticaya people’s ways with a fresh pair of ears.

At first it was all about learning about the differences their cultures and practices, but after weeks went by, they started to just simply enjoy each other’s presence. Whether it was weaving baskets, practicing with weapons, or simply looking out at the horizon, the two were practically woven together.

As [Name] looked around, she found that Neteyam has lead her to a familiar spot. This spot is one of many Neteyam would take her two once the chores of the day were over. Times in this spot were simple, relaxing and more often than not filled with soft smiles and gentle but innocent touches.

Neteyam and [Name] were friends, you see, and as [Name] sat half a foot away from Neteyam, it was clear there was a divide between them.

It was quiet on the large branch they sat on, the air between them was calm as they found themselves in a comfortable silence. The sun was eclipsing softly, creating a warm blanket over the land as well as awaking the bioluminescent glow of the forest. It was hard to feel particularly anxious next to Neteyam. [Name] wasn’t sure if it was his maturity, or if it was because he was the future Olo’eyktan of the clan, but waves of security seemed to surround him.

It was times like these though, that [Name] found herself thinking of the possibility of their friendship to blossom into something more. [Name] wasn’t sure what she should think about these thoughts though, being as she was from another clan, one that is not at all similar to the Omaticaya clan.

All of these thoughts are squashed when she looks over at Neteyam, only to find that he is already looking at her. There is a softness in his eyes, the same kind of softness of the sun blanketing Eywa as she prepares to sleep. The same look that her parents would give to each other in the early mornings or in quiet moments between chores. The same look that he has given her time and time again, somehow getting more gentle each time.

As she gazes in his eyes, she finds fish swimming in her stomach, a formally foreign feeling to [Name], but not an unwelcome one. She watches as Neteyam takes a deep breath in, before sighing and looking back at the sun, which is hiding behind the larger planet. Although [Name] doesn’t know what he is thinking, she feels almost as if she can feel what he is feeling. Mellow, calm, confused, scared for the future, reminiscent of the past, all very familiar feelings to the Metkayina girl.

The night ends with a quiet flight back to the Hometree, were they part ways and feelings are left unspoken.

The next few months go by just the same. Neteyam and [Name] hanging out almost everyday, talking, messing around, enjoying each other’s company. Spending nights in quiet spots, exchanging everything from favourite memories to soft smiles. All while not shedding any light on their brewing crushes.

As the months go by marks a year of the Metkayina girl’s arrival, [Name] finds herself missing her home more and more. It was clear to the Sully family as in the weeks before [Name] had been a lot more quiet than usual, a lot more careful than usual. It didn’t take them long, especially with Neteyam’s help, to figure out that the girl missed the Metkayina clan. That the 15 year-old girl missed her family and friends, and all she has ever really know.

And while her time with the Omaticaya clan and with the Sully’s has been wonderful, there was a growing part of her that knew she must return home. And so after a sad but understanding conversation with the Sully’s and lots of goodbye hugs from Tuk, [Name] began preparing for her trip back.

She heard him coming before she saw him, Neteyam’s foot steps were firmly imprinted in her mind. She could here him pause his steps, taking in a shaky breath.

“Do you have to leave?” Although it was phrased as a question, this was Neteyam’s plea for her to stay.

And as [Name] turned around, she found the boy in front of her with his chin tucked into his chest, seemingly unable to show her his eyes. [Name] took a moment to watch him, savour the boy that she has had the privilege of knowing for the past year. Something about leaving him was especially hard.

As Neteyam looked up, it was clear he got his answer from the look in her eye. Her eyes seemed to drown in the sorrow she had for leaving the forest, but she also knew that she must get back to her home, and her eyes seemed to convey that.

“I understand,” Neteyam conceited, albeit solemnly. Although, he knew she couldn’t stay there forever, some part of him wished she would never leave his side.

[Name] took a careful step forward, watching Neteyam closely as she closed the space between them. In a calm but eager motion, [Name] wrapped her arms around Neteyam, bringing him in for a gentle hug. Neteyam’s arms came up to wrap around her slowly, as if he needed a moment to breathe her in. But once he did, he brought her in close, a tear escaping his eye as he kept her firmly in place.

The trip back was a blur to [Name], most of the ride was spent sorting through her emotions. Leaving the Omaticaya and rejoining the Metkayina would not be easy, especially after leaving for a year. Meeting the people of the Omaticaya clan and the Sully children was beyond worth it for [Name] and she would do it a million times over with no regrets.

Entering the clan again, she watched as a couple of the clan members dropped what they were holding at the sight of her. A feeling of anxiety started to pool in her stomach before she heard an angry yell from a familiar voice.

“[Name]!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME!!!!!”

Tsireya.

Two Years Later

The years seemed to fly by for [Name] and since she had gotten back she has not only become an adult under Eywa but was also deemed one of the best warriors in the clan. To say the years have been uneventful would be a lie but none of it would prepare her for the drama that would go down on this day.

[Name] and Tsireya were making their way over to collect shells when the shadows flew over head. Many of the clan member seemed to turn their attention over to one of the more sandy areas near the village, peaking the girls’ attention. As they approached, [Name] noticed the Ikrans, the familiar winged creatures sparked hope in her.

Hope that this wasn’t just any Ikran riders.

Pulling Tsireya along, [Name] made her way through the people before finding herself at the front of the crowd. Her heart was pounding as her eyes darted around. It was only seconds before she recognized the faces of the Ikran riders.

The Sully’s.

A great grin broke out across her face as she turned to Tsireya as if to say, ‘thats them!’

“Sully’s!” [Name] shouted, turning the attention on to herself.

[Name] watched as they all looked in the direction of the familiar voice, their eyes lighting up when they are met with the face of the Metkayina girl they met all those years ago.

“[Name]!” They seemed to shout in unison as [Name] walked up to them.

The first one to hug her was Tuk, who ran up to meet her halfway. Tuk didn’t seem to let go even when Lo’ak and Kiri came in for a hug. Then it was Jake and Neytiri, who seemed to have beaming smiles at how [Name] seemed to have grown.

As the Sully parents separate, [Name] is met with the quiet eyes of Neteyam, who was watching her closely. Neteyam, the last one to get a hug when she left and the last one to get a hug when they reunite.

There was a pause, a heart beat, before [Name] practically broke out into a run towards Neteyam. Within seconds, Neteyam caught her in a tight hug. The hug was silent as they took in each other, it was clear to everyone that they had missed each other dearly. The hug spoke of things they wished they could convey. The oh so missed shared soft smiles, the days they spent each other and the nights that they didn’t get to spend each other. [Name] moved her hand to clutch the back Neteyam’s neck as she buried her nose further into the crook of his neck. It was like no one else was there, no one else was watching. It was just them.

“I missed you so much, yawne.”

Yawne: beloved

A/n: I have had such bad writers block but I have been trying to get back into writing! I have some time off, so I hope to be using it for writing! I hope you enjoyed! <333333

Master list

Taglist: @nyotamalfoy @adrunkskeletonsduck @luvlykrispy @tainted-artist4161 @gamorxa @valentineheartzz

[onceuponaloonatic]

“Mom?” Nayeon sighed from where she was doing dishes. She loved her daughter, she really did, but her head hurt and she knew her daughter was going to ask her questions Nayeon didn’t want to think about the answer to. 

“Yes sunshine?” Nayoen set the dish she was doing down and quickly peeled off the bright yellow dish gloves that she had been wearing for the past fifteen minutes. She had let the dishes pile up again, and it had caused another argument between her and Jihyo. Nayeon really didn’t like being the one to cave, to be the one who did the dishes, to be the one losing. But, Jihyo did have a point, it was starting to get ridiculous how many half washed dishes were sitting in their sink. 

“When is mama going to be home?” Nayeon knew this question was coming, but she really really did not want to answer it. It was always hard to explain what was going on to Hyemi. She was sure the girl had noticed there was something going on between her and Jihyo, but she hoped to god Hyemi hadn’t figured out the truth. “She said she would be home early today.” “I don’t know Hye.” Nayeon sighed. “She does important work-”

“But she promised we would work on my science project together.” Hyemi whined. Nayeon did faintly remember her wife promising that. 

“I can help you if you need it, lovebug.” “It has to be mama.” Hyemi insisted. That was the answer Nayeon was expecting, but that didn’t stop her from offering. “Well, bedtime is coming up soon, so you might just have to wait until the weekend to work on it.” Nayeon eyed the clock with a sigh. It was already well past eight pm, and there was still no sign of Jihyo. No text. No call. Nothing. Hyemi was right, she was supposed to get off early that night. “The science fair is next week mom.” Hyemi did her best to stifle a yawn, but it broke through her little lips. Nayeon’s heart ached a bit for Hyemi. Lately, Jihyo had been picking up more and more shifts at the hospital. And while it did give Nayeon more space and time to think, it was having devastating consequences on Hyemi. “Mama said she would help, but she’s only been here to help once. Does she even care?” “She does sunshine.” Nayeon opened her arms for Hyemi. Her daughter ran into them instantly, hugging Nayeon as tightly as she could. “Mama loves you, and she wants to help you with your project. There’s just a lot of people who need saving.” “I know.” Nayeon could hear the way Hyemi was choking up. Nayeon felt sick to her stomach at the thought of Hyemi crying because of Jihyo. 

“I’m sorry.” Nayeon whispered, kissing Hyemi’s head. She bent down and picked Hyemi up slowly. It was a lot harder than it used to be, her daughter had grown a lot since the days Nayeon used to pick her up with ease and comfort her. Hyemi settled into her arms, holding onto Nayeon’s shirt the same way she used to when she was a baby. 

The minute the sound of the front door being unlocked was heard though, Hyemi was immediately jumping off of Nayeon. “Mama!” “Hyemi!” Nayeon could hear their giggling from the other room. There was a time the sound of that used to fill her with so much happiness. She doesn’t remember when the sound of Jihyo being home started to fill her with dread. Nayeon could hear Hyemi’s giggling getting closer as she stood in the living room. She wasn’t entirely sure what to do with herself, if Jihyo even wanted to see her.  

“Hi.” Nayeon was pulled out of her internal debate when she heard Jihyo’s voice.

“Welcome home.” Nayeon forced a smile on her face. “How was work?” Neither could look each other in the eye anymore. Really, Nayeon had no idea how they had come to this. They used to be so in love, it made all their friends gag. But what they had now, the inability to look each other in the eyes and the stupid fights started over petty thoughts, could barely be discribed as love. “It was good.” Jihyo nodded. “Mama! We need to work on my science project!” Hyemi whined. 

“Oh shoot. I’m sorry I forgot Hyemi. Let me get some dinner and then we can take a look at what you have okay?” “Jihyo, it's already almost her bedtime.” Nayeon pointed out, looking over at the clock. Hyemi was supposed to be getting ready for bed right then, not getting ready to show her mama her project. “Please mom.” Hyemi begged.

“Okay.” Nayeon nodded. “Thirty minutes.” 

“Yay!” Hyemi let go of Jihyo and followed her into the kitchen, excitedly talking about her potato clock and how it worked. Nayeon decided to retreat to her office for a bit. Jihyo would keep Hyemi more than occupied, and she did have some work she did need to get done. She had made the decision to start working from home when Hyemi started elementary school, since her old office was too far away from Hyemi's school for her to be able to get there on time to pick her up. Jihyo usually worked until dinner, so picking Hyemi up was never an option for her. Nayeon had liked working from home, at least at first. She got to spend extra time with Jihyo in bed and she got the afternoon to be with Hyemi. But now, she sort of wished she had an excuse to leave the house every day. 

Nayeon settled at her computer after finding her glasses. Jihyo had surprised her with the home office when they first moved in. Nayeon used to love the office, but now looking at all the little things Jihyo had done for her made her stomach churn. 

Nayeon doesn't even notice how much time has passed until she hears the door behind her open. She feels arms wrap around her from behind, and instead of relaxing in them like she used to, she found herself more tense. 

“I put Hyemi to bed.” Jihyo whispered against her ear as Nayeon typed. 

“Thank you.” Nayeon finally allowed herself to relax. It seemed Jihyo was ready to pretend like everything was perfect again. This was the cycle they had fallen into. Some days, everything was fine. Others, they couldn't even look at each other without fighting. 

“I'm sorry about the dishes. I know you also have work and I shouldn't have gotten mad. I was actually going to do them for you this morning, but I got called in super early.” Jihyo put one hand over Nayeon’s arm. 

“It's okay.” Nayeon couldn't help herself from falling into her old habits. Even if she pretended like she didn't, she still loved Jihyo. “Really. I’m sorry for being a little aggressive.” 

“It’s okay.” Jihyo reassured. “I saw Sana today.” 

“Oh really?” That made Nayeon stop typing.

“Yeah. Her and Momo are still fighting I think, but she did stop by to give Momo some lunch and visit Nico.” 

“Oh well that's an improvement. How is Nico?” 

“I think- I think she's doing a little better.” Jihyo nodded. “She started a new treatment recently, and I think it's helping.” 

“That's amazing.” Nayeon saved her code and closed out the window on her computer, satisfied with what she had done for the night. “I’m sure it’s hard for Sana and Momo. I don't know what I would do if Hyemi was in Nico’s place.” 

“I don't either. Momo is really really frustrated about the whole thing, which honestly I think I would feel the same. They did all that research on a donor, only to find out later that the person lied on the application.” Jihyo sighed. 

“I agree. Sana is so torn up about the whole thing. She comes over a lot while you are at work. She acts like she's fine, but I know this whole situation is eating at her.” Nayeon knew all too well what this had done to their friends. She had held Sana while she sobbed to Nayeon about how unfair everything was; how much their daughter was suffering, how much their marriage was suffering, all because of one person's negligence. 

“Momo is the same. She's been working so much lately, I think so she doesn't have to go home. I’ve offered to let her stay here, but she says she would rather stay with Nico.” 

“As much as I think Nico needs the company, I don't think that's very good for Momo if it's every night. I mean, I’m sure it's hard to sleep with all the anxiety and beeping of machines and such. Plus I don't remember there being an extra bed in there. It must be uncomfortable.” Nayeon commented. 

“She says she's gotten used to it. I heard the recent fight between her and Sana is bad.” 

“Yeah me too. I mean, it was a little much of Momo to ask Sana to quit her job to take care of Nico. I know what Nico has is really serious and she will probably need someone to take care of her at least until her condition is a bit more stable, but it's still a big ask on Momo’s part.” 

“I- I don't know. Blood disorders are... Complicated.There isn’t a cure for what Nico has, and the life expectancy is so all over the place. Some days, Nico is a normal kid, and others we have to sedate her because she won’t stop screaming how much it hurts. If Hyemi were in Nico’s place… I would probably want someone we trust here with her. Sana’s and Momo’s families live in a different country, and since Jeongyeon left, there aren't really many other people for Momo to turn to.” Jihyo’s arms loosened on Nayeon. Nayeon was sure this wasn’t going to end well. 

“I just think that Momo shouldn’t expect Sana to just drop everything because Momo asked her to. Sana has already cut her hours back as much as she can for Nico. All Momo’s done is add more hours to her schedule and complain Sana isn’t doing enough.” Nayeon failed to mention how they were in a somewhat similar situation. Not nearly as extreme, as Jihyo still came home most nights and Nayeon still was able to work as many hours as she wanted to from home, but Sana’s job as a lawyer made it harder for her to work from home. “Plus, if I remember correctly, doesn’t Momo hate her job?” Really, Nayeon feels like she’s playing with fire the more she speaks. These are all sensitive topics, and a part of Nayeon knows she shouldn’t be bringing them up the night after they had a huge fight. “Momo doesn’t hate it.” Jihyo rolled her eyes. Her arms slipped from Nayeon’s side, and Nayeon was starting to regret bringing these things up. “She just- it wasn’t her first career choice. But she likes being a physical therapist. Even if she used to complain that her parents forced her to go to medical school, she likes the decision now.” 

“Okay, but do you know who also likes her job? Sana. She actually wanted to go to law school. Momo can’t just force her to throw away all of that work. It’s just ridiculous. I know Nico needs someone, but can’t they just fucking take turns or something? Why does Sana have to give up everything and Momo has to give up nothing? How in the hell is that fair? If this happened to Hyemi, would you ask the same thing of me?” Nayeon hates the silence she gets in response. She feels white hot anger run through her blood stream at the thought.  “Seriously Jihyo- you would expect me to give up on my entire career and everything I’ve worked for just like that?” “I-” Jihyo’s response is cut off by a familiar loud beeping in Jihyo’s pocket. “You're on call?” Nayeon asked. “You told me you weren’t going to be on call at night anymore. You know it wakes up Hyemi.” “I know- I had to trade with someone.” Jihyo sighed, taking the infernal thing out of her pocket. “I have to go.” “Go then.” Nayeon rolled her eyes. Two distinct parts of her start to wage an internal war at the thought of asking Jihyo to stay. Part of her is upset at her wife. Jihyo had said she wouldn’t do this anymore. Not only does it wake up Hyemi, it usually makes Jihyo so exhausted she can’t wake up and take Hyemi to school in the morning. Which fucks up the entire routine they have down, and guarantees the day is going to be horrible. Jihyo had promised when Hyemi was six she wasn’t going to take any shifts that had her on call at night. And Nayeon feels angry that she broke it. The other part of her is hung up on the fact she’s almost too tired to care anymore. 

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Nayeon doesn’t say anything else as Jihyo leaves. She hears her try to be quiet, try to not wake up Hyemi, but their loud front door and the loud beeping in Jihyo’s pocket made it nearly impossible to not wake up everyone in the house. 

“Mom?” Nayeon sighed when she turned to see Hyemi standing in the hallway, by the open door to her office.

“Hey sweetheart, let’s get you back to sleep.” Nayeon stood up from her office chair, closing her laptop screen and going to hold Hyemi’s hand.

“Did Mama leave?” Hyemi asked, stifling a yawn as Nayeon led her towards her room. A quick glance at her watch told Nayeon it was almost eleven thirty. 

“She, got called into work, yes.” Nayeon hated how much she struggled to get the words out. “She will be back soon, but you need to sleep okay?” “Okay.” Hyemi yawned again as they entered her room. Hyemi immediately crawled into her bed and got comfortable before Nayeon could even give her a good night kiss. “Mom?” “Yes?” Nayeon asked.

“Do you miss mama too?” Nayeon hated how much her chest tightened at the question. Hyemi’s eyes were closed as she cuddled close to her favorite stuffed sheep her Aunt had bought for her. 

“I- Of course I do Hyemi.” Nayeon sighed. “But, it’s time for bed.” “Okay.” Hyemi seemed to accept her answer, closing her eyes. Nayeon made her way out of her room as quietly as possible before going to the master bedroom. She didn’t expect Jihyo to be back for a while. 

Nayeon hated the dissonance brought about by the deafening silence of the bedroom and the loud screaming of her thoughts. 

xx 

Sana remembered the first time the pain started.

Nico was only around five months old at the time. It was a night Sana was happy her daughter wouldn’t remember. 

Nico had been a little lethargic the entire day, so they had assumed she was coming down with a fever and put her to bed early. A few hours later, they were woken up to pain filled sobs. Sana still can remember the fear pulsing through her, the way her heartbeat felt like it was going to burst out of her chest any moment, it still remained the worst day in her recent years. Sana hated feeling so helpless watching her precious daughter be in so much pain.

Momo’s specialty was physical therapy, so she tried to stay calm and figure out what was wrong with their daughter. Nico was too young, and in too much pain, to explain what was happening beyond cries of utter agony. When Momo moved to pick her up, she screamed even louder somehow. Sana couldn’t help how panicked she felt, and both of them agreed the best thing to do is let Momo drive while Sana held Nico. Sana did her best to try not to touch Nico more than she had to, as it seemed to make her pain worse. 

Sana remembers finding the smallest amount of comfort in Momo’s arms as the doctors ran tests on Nico. She felt like the entire world was ending, and Momo was the only thing keeping her grounded to reality.They were in the room for most of the testing done on Nico, and Sana remembers holding her tiny hand after they sedated her. Apparently, Nico was moving around too much for them to take proper samples, and it would be in everyone’s best interest if she was asleep. Sana remembers being thankful that the pain wrenching sobs that made her heart feel like it was shattering stopped. 

Momo barely spoke as she held Sana. Sana was sure she was just as frazzled, but Momo was doing her best to keep her calm for Sana. 

A few hours later, they were given a diagnosis that made no sense. Sana was the one who had carried Nico. When they talked about having a baby, Momo had expressed little interest in the prospect of carrying. She loved dancing too much and since her job required her to be on her feet more often than Sana, Sana seemed like the natural choice. Sana had gone to her parents before they started IVF treatment, and had asked them if there were any genetic conditions they would have to worry about, and her parents told her that besides anemia, which Sana already knew about, they were all healthy. The donor had said the same thing on their application, so they had been expecting to have a healthy baby. However, they diagnosed Nico with a condition she only could have gotten through genetic inheritance. It didn’t take long to realize someone was lying. 

Sana just remembers being angry. She wasn’t sure if the person genuinely didn’t know or if they just didn’t care, but she couldn’t help but feel frustrated at their donor. The worst part was the fact they didn’t even know who it was. Some anonymous person caused her daughter pain, and Sana knew she would never forgive them.

Momo didn’t take too well to the diagnosis. Both of them were angry, not at each other, but for the circumstances that caused their daughter so much pain. Nico was suffering, and was going to continue to suffer, because someone didn’t mention a familial history of blood disease. It was hard to not feel frustrated by the entire thing. 

And truthfully, Sana had no idea if the frustration had faded at all over the years, or if they were still the two frustrated parents with no proper place to direct their anger. 

xx 

Sana hummed as she walked down the hallways of the hospital. In one hand, she had a medium sized teddy bear she had gotten on the way home from work the other day; and in the other she had a pink hello kitty themed lunch. Really, she was in a good mood today. It was nice, she hadn’t been in a good mood in a while.

“Mommy!” The smile on Sana’s face only got wider when she saw Nico.

“Hey baby.” Sana kissed Nico’s forehead. She wasn’t attached to many machines today, which was great. Sana had heard she was doing a bit better lately. “How are you feeling?” “Good! Mama gave me a sticker cause I was really good for Doctor Song.” Sana sat next to Nico, smiling at her as she talked.

“Oh yeah? Well Mommy got you a gift.” Sana handed over the bear, Nico looking at it excitedly. “Do you know what animal this is?” “Kuma-san!” Nico giggled. She had many other stuffed animals, including bears, so Sana knew she knew what it was. She just wasn’t expecting her daughter to blurt it out in Japanese.

“Yeah, did mama teach you that?” Sana asked.

“Mama said kuma means bear in Japanese.” Nico nodded. “Wow. You're so smart.” Sana kissed Nico’s forehead. “I brought you some food too. It’s the salmon onigiri you said you liked last time.” “Salmon!” Nico giggled with a huge smile. Sana couldn’t help the elation that she was able to bring Nico a small amount of joy. 

“Sana?” Sana felt herself freeze when she heard her name. She was halfway through peeling an orange for her daughter, and her hands dripped with the sticky juice of a ripe orange.  

“Hi love.” Sana let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. “I didn’t know you were stopping by.” Momo moved to the other side of Nico’s bed, her scrubs from yesterday still on. Sana wondered if she slept at all since the last time they saw each other. 

“I was bringing Nico some salmon onigiri. I have extra if you are hungry.” 

“No I… Just ate.” Momo nodded, watching as Sana resumed peeling the orange. “Mama!” Nico turned to Momo. “Want one?” “No, it’s all for you kiddo.” Momo pat Nico’s head. “Thanks for sharing though.” “Mama shares her food with me.” Nico shrugged between bites. “Mommy these are yummy.” “Yeah? I’m happy you're enjoying them. I know the food here isn’t the best.” Sana put the oranges pieces in with the rest of Nico’s food. Really, cooking was not her strong suit. But recently, she had been making a lot of salmon onigiri. Nico loved it, Momo loved it, and it was easy. It was something Sana could make during the suffocating silence of the hours spent at home by herself. She wished she could spend more of them with Nico, but because of visitor hours, she could only come for a small part of the day. Sometimes, she found herself really frustrated by the hospital rules. 

“Mommy’s food is way better.” Nico giggled. “Well, Mama’s food is the best.” “What? No way.” Sana acted offended as if she didn’t already know her wife’s cooking was better. Momo used to be the only one who cooked for them, but it had been a while since Momo had been home long enough to make dinner or really anything. 

“So mine is better?” Momo gave Sana a teasing smirk and for the first time in a while Sana felt like the old Momo was back. It was just for a small moment, but she couldn’t help the beating of her heart and the excitement at the concept of her wife’s old self being back. She missed a Momo who could stand to look at her for more than three seconds. A Momo who would come home for anything but laundry and the occasional times her boss forced her to. A Momo who would come home for her.

“Mama makes the best food.” Nico nodded, taking a bite of orange. “But Mommy’s is good too.” “Oh, you're all here.” Sana was surprised when she heard another voice. She immediately felt like the moment had been broken. “Good, there’s something I need to talk about.” 

“Of course.” Momo’s face dropped as she turned to face Nico’s doctor. “Nico, I’m going to be talking to your moms, so you can go ahead and finish your lunch okay?” The doctor addressed Nico, who nodded and focused on the food in front of her. Even after years with her current doctor, she had never quite warmed up to her. “Some of the other doctors and I have been discussing Nico and we think she might be a good candidate for stem cell treatment.” Sana noticed the way Momo tensed at the statement. She didn’t entirely know what it meant, but she didn't like Momo’s immediate reaction. “We know there are a lot of risks, but she’s young enough the risks are a lot lower than they would be if we tried to do this later. Of course, it’s up to you guys, but it might be the only shot we have at possibly curing her.” 

“Can you explain a little bit more about the entire thing to me? Sorry, I’m not a doctor.” Sana forced herself to let out an awkward laugh. 

“Oh yes of course. Stem cell treatments involve taking stem cells from the bone marrow of a matching donor and replacing the bone marrow Nico currently has. It’s a very new treatment, and finding a perfect donor could be difficult, but if everything works perfectly, her body should be better at producing healthy red blood cells. I can’t guarantee it will cure her, but at the very least her symptoms will be significantly improved.” 

“In the short term.” Momo butt in. “There isn’t much research about stem cell treatments in the long term. Plus, the mortality rate is high.”

“In kids her age, it’s only around five percent.” Sana hated how casual that sounded. Five percent? There was a five percent chance Nico could die? That was much too high of a chance for Sana. “In kids under sixteen, the success rate is over eighty five percent. You're welcome to think it over, but as her doctor, I’m going to recommend this as the best course of action.” Sana watched as the doctor left, closing the door behind her. “We’re not doing that.” Momo sighed once he left. “The risks are too high.” “I mean I know the risks are high… But it’s something we should think about isn’t it?” Sana took one of Nico’s hands. Nico looked at her with a little smile, keeping her mouth shut as she chewed on some orange slices. 

“I don’t want her to get hurt.” “She’s already hurt.” Sana sighed.

“She could die, Sana.” “She could die anyway Momo.” 

“I would rather take my chance knowing we aren’t the ones killing her.” 

“Look, let’s not do this here.” Sana looked over at Nico, who was staring at both of them with wide eyes. She looked terrified. “All done?” “Uh-hum.” Nico nodded and then yawned.

“Tired?” Nico nodded as Sana pushed her bangs back. “Let’s get you to sleep then.” Sana kissed Nico’s forehead and moved the lunch box away. She helped Nico lay down and kissed her forehead, pulling the white hospital bed sheets over Nico. “Sweet dreams baby.” “Night Nico.” Momo muttered, watching as Sana gave their daughter another kiss before moving to turn the lights off in Nico’s room. Once she was done, Sana stood up and walked out, not even bothering to say anything else to the wife she barely recognized anymore.

xx 

“Sana please don’t lay on my floor. I’m trying to clean.” Nayeon rolled her eyes as she poked Sana with the vacuum cleaner. It was turned off, but Nayeon was trying to get everything clean before her daughter got home. 

“I don’t know what to do, Unnie.” Sana whined, rolling onto her side.

“Well, you aren’t going to figure it out lying on the floor like that.” Nayeon rolled her eyes. “If you are going to mope, do it on the couch so I don’t vacuum you.” Sana whined, but moved onto the couch. Nayeon could tell Sana was trying to get her attention, but she wasn’t going to break her concentration on the task at hand. They had needed to vacuum for ages and since Jihyo had decided to take another Saturday shift, the task fell to her. And she wasn’t going to be interrupted. Nope. Not even when Sana whined like a kicked puppy. Or when she mopes on the floor. Or when she continued to make the saddest noises-

“My god Sana, what is it?” Nayeon sighed, setting the vacuum down. She went over to Sana’s side, letting the younger girl rest her head in her lap. Sana had always been like a little sister to her, and even if she was in the middle of something, she couldn’t ignore her when she was distressed. 

“Momo is being stubborn.” “When is she not?” Nayeon rolled her eyes. “No, but this is about something really important to Nico.” Sana nodded. “Her doctor wants to do stem cell treatment on her. It’s some new treatment where they will replace all of her bone marrow with a donor’s. Momo thinks it’s too dangerous, but I did some research on it and while there is a risk, I think it might be worth it.” “Why?” “Well, cause we never know if Nico is going to get worse. I don’t want to go to the hospital one day and for them to tell me my daughter only has a few days left to live. I don’t want her to be in the hospital at all anymore. The procedure has a success rate of over eighty five percent. Am I crazy for thinking it might be a good idea?” Nayeon sighed, brushing Sana’s hair out of her face.

“No, you aren’t.” Nayeon muttered. “That’s… Complicated. I can understand where Momo is coming from. She’s probably just worried that there isn’t guaranteed success.” “So she’s just supposed to be in pain forever? The doctors told us her life expectancy could change at any moment. I’m just scared that if we don’t act now, we might not get a choice later. Momo just cannot understand. She won’t even talk to me right now.” “I’m sorry, Satang. I know this is hard.” Nayeon sighed. “I mean, I can’t tell you what to do about the whole treatment thing. It is truly up to you and Momo. But if you think the risk is worth it, I do believe talking to Momo about it again would be for the best. Maybe there’s something she knows and you don’t. She did go to medical school.” “And she specialized in physical therapy.” Sana added. “I know she still had to learn other stuff, but let’s be honest, blood diseases aren’t exactly her forte.” 

“Would you maybe want to talk to Jihyo? I know she specializes in heart surgery, but it’s closer to what you're looking for right?” Nayeon offered. She didn’t want to mention how she didn’t even know the next time Jihyo was going to be home. She guessed if she texted though, Jihyo would come home immediately. That was one of the more frustrating things about all of this to Nayeon. Jihyo was still a good person, despite their slowly deteriorating marriage, Jihyo would still do almost anything if she asked. 

“Maybe?” Sana sighed. “I don’t know. She and Momo are like best friends.” “Jihyo wouldn’t let that cloud her judgment.” Nayeon started gently braiding Sana’s hair. “She’s not… That’s not how Jihyo is.” Nayeon chose not to mention that really, she has no idea what her wife is like anymore. “I can ask her if she has any friends that specialize in blood disorders, that might be helpful right?” “I guess.” Sana whined, rolling so her back was on Nayeon’s lap and she was looking up at the older girl. “How is Jihyo?” Nayeon hated how Sana’s eyes got soft as she asked the question. 

“She's fine.” Nayeon avoided Sana’s gaze as she stormed a hand through Sana’s hair. 

“How are you two doing?”

“We’re fine.” Nayeon tried to make it obvious she didn't want to talk about it. Sana seemed to catch on, taking Nayeon’s hand in her own and squeezing it. 

“If you ever need to talk about it, I’m here.” Nayeon almost melted over the sincerity in Sana’s gaze. 

“Thanks.” Nayeon let out a breath. She wanted to let it all go, to let all of her frustrations and tears spill over, but all she could let out was a small sigh. 

“I miss Momo.” Sana said after a few beats of silence. “I miss her wanting to come home. I miss being able to talk to her without fighting. I miss my wife, Nayeonie.” And Nayeon knew that feeling all too well. She missed Jihyo too. She missed when Jihyo would look at her like she was everything in the world. She missed when Jihyo’s arms didn't feel like a weight around her. 

“I’m sorry.” Nayeon sighed, putting a hand on Sana’s cheek. She really had no idea what to say to her friend to make her feel better. After all, she was going through the same thing. “You're too pretty for Momo.” 

“Where is that coming from?” Sana giggled. 

“Nowhere.” Nayeon smiled back. She knew Sana loved casual flirting, and she missed the days it was commonplace between them. They never meant anything by it, but it was a way in which Nayeon and Sana showed love. 

“Thank you Nayeonie.” Sana smiled, placing a kiss on Nayeon's cheek as she stood up. “You're not too bad yourself.”

“Oh?” Nayeon raised an eyebrow. “Just not too bad?” A teasing smirk came across Nayeon’s face as her hands reached for Sana’s sides, causing the younger girl to erupt into giggles. 

“Nayeon Unnie!” Sana screamed, falling back onto the couch as Nayeon tickled her. Nayeon smiled, feeling lighter than she had in a while as she joked around with her closest friend. She had missed joking around with Sana like this. Nayeon abruptly stopped when Sana pushed her off. Confused, it took a second for Nayeon to see what had happened. 

“Nayeon.” Nayeon looked up to see her wife, an unreadable look on her face. 

“Jihyo, I didn't know you were going to be home early.” Nayeon stood up, offering Sana a hand to help her up. 

“Hi Hyo.” Sana gave Jihyo a small smile, but the look on Jihyo’s face was less than friendly. “I was just leaving, but it was nice seeing you.” 

“Sana-” Sana had already left before Nayeon could address her friend. She was confused by the look on Jihyo’s face. She looked angry. 

“What?”

“How long?” Jihyo asked.

“How long have I what?” Nayeon asked. 

“Been, you know, with Sana?”

“Jihyo what the hell?” Nayeon asked. “We were just playing.”

“Didn't look like it.”

“Jihyo, Sana and I have absolutely nothing going on.” Nayeon was confused more than anything. Her and Sana’s friendship had always been casual flirting and playful touches. Sure she was practically on top of Sana tickling her but that wasn't out of the ordinary for them. 

“Are you sure?” Jihyo’s eyes seemed glazed over as she stared at Nayeon. 

“Park Jihyo.” Anger was starting to cut through Nayeon’s confusion. “We’ve had our fair share of petty arguments, but are you really going to stand there and accuse me of cheating on you?”

“Were you?”

“Jihyo!” Nayeon snapped. “I was just trying to make Sana smile. I was tickling her, something you have watched me do before and you have done with Momo and Jeongyeon.” 

“But that smile-”

“God Jihyo, what smile?” Nayeon asked. “This smile? The one I use with my friends?” Nayeon forced herself to smile but knew her own point was getting a little lost. “Just because you haven't made me smile in weeks doesn’t mean I’m cheating on you with the first person I smile at.” Nayeon regretted the words as soon as they came out of her mouth. Jihyo’s face morphed into pure grief, tears coming to Nayeon’s eyes at her own words. 

Yes, she was upset with Jihyo. And yes, she had absolutely no right to accuse her of cheating, but Nayeon had taken it too far. Even she knew that. 

Jihyo didn't say anything as she walked out of the house. Nayeon let her leave without protest. 

xx

Hyemi comes home to Nayeon stuck in the same spot on the floor. Tears were clinging to Nayeon’s eyes, but she didn't allow herself to cry. She wants to scream and shout and let every ugly emotion stuffed inside her out, but as her daughter is eyeing her with wide eyes, she knows now isn't the time. 

“Sorry sunshine. I stubbed my toe.” Nayeon quickly apologized when her daughter found her on the floor. “It hurt before, but I’m okay now.” Hyemi just nodded, clearly shaken up by Nayeon’s state. “Why don't you start on your homework?”

“Is mama home?” Nayeon felt her heart shatter for the second time at the question. 

“No… She's… Still at work. Sorry kiddo.” Hyemi just nodded, walking over to the kitchen. Nayeon picked up the vacuum, and sighed at how little progress she had made. 

xx 

Jihyo doesn't come home until midnight. Nayeon had expected her to come home late, but was surprised when she felt arms wrap around her and tears soaking the back of her shirt. 

“I’m so sorry.” Jihyo sobbed. “I’m so sorry Nayeon.” Nayeon doesn't know what to say. “I shouldn't have accused you of that. That wasn't fair, god i don't even know why I thought that. I’m so sorry.” Nayeon feels herself torn between two options. One, she could ignore Jihyo and hold onto the anger still clawing at her insides. or two, she could roll over, wrap her arms around Jihyo, and pretend like she forgave her. 

Nayeon knew she was still mad. And she knew sweeping this under the rug wasn't going to make her anger go away. But the sound of Jihyo’s broken sobs and promises to do better broke her faster than she liked to admit. 

“It's okay Jihyo.” Nayeon rolled over and wrapped her arms around her wife. 

“Are we okay Nayeon?” Jihyo sounded so broken asking. Nayeon hated the answer. 

“Of course we're okay.” Nayeon muttered. “It's just a rough patch. We’ll be okay.” Jihyo muttered a sleepy I love you as Nayeon placed a kiss on her wife’s hair. Both of them knew Nayeon was lying. 

xx

“Momoring!” Sana knew she shouldn't let her excitement show too much. Since their argument about Nico’s treatment, Momo had been avoiding her entirely. Before, they rarely saw each other. Now, Sana hadn't seen her in over two weeks. She still visited her daughter, but every time Sana was at the hospital Momo miraculously happened to be missing. Sana was going crazy at home. Ever since the incident at Nayeon’s, she had been a little scared she had started something between Nayeon and Jihyo. Nayeon assured her it was fine, but she knew their marriage was already fragile, and Sana didn't trust herself enough to keep the casual flirting at bay until things went back to normal. 

If they ever went back to normal. Sana was getting scared this rough patch in their lives was never going to end. 

“Hi Sana.” Momo looked exhausted. “Did you make that?” Momo pointed to Sana’s dinner. 

“No, I got take out.” Sana sheepishly grinned. “There's some left overs, if you're hungry.” 

“Sure.” Sana was elated with how much Momo was talking with her. Since their big argument about Sana’s work schedule, they hadn't talked much. But now, Sana was seeing pieces of her wife in the woman standing before her. 

“How's Nico?” Truthfully, Sana didn't know what else to ask. 

“She's okay. She was in a lot of pain today, so she went to sleep early.” Momo made herself a plate with various leftovers. 

“Oh no.” Sana sighed. “I hope she feels better tomorrow.”

“Me too.” Sana could tell they were both walking on eggshells. Momo looked to be exhausted, the bags under her eyes clear as she sat across from Sana at the table. “Hey, I’m sorry we've been fighting so much.” Sana couldn't stop herself. She just hated being so far apart from Momo. Even with all the fighting and cold shoulders, she knew she still loved Momo. “I could have behaved better, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Momo whispered. “I shouldn't have avoided you for two weeks.” 

“Can we just be Momo and Sana again for tonight?” Sana asked, her heart literally aching for the woman in front of her. “No fighting, no ignoring, just Samo for one night.” 

“Sana…” Momo trailed off. 

“Please Momo.” Sana looked into Momo’s tired eyes, tears gathering at the corner of her eyes as she begged. 

“Sure.” Momo put her chopsticks down. 

“Thank you.” Sana could feel the firm stretching across her face. As she reached over for her love’s hand, she couldn't help the void that filled her when Momo flinched at her touch. 

xx

Momo is gone the next morning. Sana can only sigh, roll out of bed, and look into the mirror to prove to herself that Momo was indeed with her last night. She thought the little bites and marks would feel good the next morning, would make her feel like she belonged to Momo again, that Momo wanted her, but Sana teared up at the realization that the marks dotting her skin only made her feel emptier. 

She calls out of work that day, and spends the whole day sobbing into Momo’s cold pillow. 

xx

“Mama is going to be so happy to see us!” Hyemi giggled as she skipped towards the hospital. Typically, Nayeon and Jihyo weren't huge fans of Hyemi visiting Jihyo at work. Hospitals weren't places for kids to be running around, and they had agreed early on that Nayeon would stop her impromptu hospital visits to see Jihyo. 

But Hyemi had been asking for Jihyo all day, and it was driving Nayeon up the fucking wall. She loved her daughter to death, but listening to her ask when Jihyo was getting home every five minutes was tiring her beyond belief. 

“Hyemi we agreed that you have to behave okay?” Nayeon called. She had texted Jihyo to let her know they were coming, and had even called to make sure her wife wasn't in surgery before she left, but Nayeon still couldn't help the mounting anxiety. 

“She's so cute.” Sana giggled from next to her. Sana had tagged along under the guise of visiting her own daughter. 

“She's a handful.” Nayeon rolled her eyes. “Hyemi what are the rules?”

“No wandering off, no getting in someone’s way, and no bothering mama’s patients. I know what to do mommy.” Hyemi giggled. 

“If you say so.” Nayeon sighed, hearing Sana’s laugh from next to her. 

“We’re here to see Dr Park, I called you a little while ago.” Nayeon had grabbed Hyemi’s hand as soon as they were inside, but Nayeon had stopped her before she could talk to the receptionist. 

“Ah yes, you must be Dr Park’s wife and daughter. Let me get visitor passes.”

“And I’m here with them. But I’m also going to visit my daughter.” Sana flashed the receptionist a smile. 

“Hi Mrs Minatozaki, of course. I’ll get you a pass as well.” The receptionist smiled as she got their passes, Nayeon helping Hyemi clip hers to her bright yellow sweater. “Dr Park should be in her office, I trust you know where it is?”

“Yes.” Nayeon nodded. “Sana, are you coming with us?”

“Sure.” Sana nodded. “I might not stick around for too long though.”

“That's okay.” Nayeon smiled as she led them toward the elevator. 

“I’ll click the button!” Hyemi giggled, running up the elevator panel. “Which one?”

“Floor 20.” Hyemi nodded and clicked the button, practically bouncing with excitement as the elevator went up. Nayeon couldn't help the mounting anxiety as they went. Jihyo hadn't answered her text saying they were coming to visit, and while Jihyo could get sucked into work sometimes, she usually responded if it had to do with Hyemi. Nayeon couldn't help but feel like this whole excursion was going to cause another argument between them. 

When they reached the twentieth floor, Hyemi practically sprinted out of the elevator. 

“Hyemi! No running off!” Nayeon followed her. Sana only giggled at the interaction. “This way.” Nayeon led them down the hallway. Thankfully, it didn't seem too crowded today. Nayeon was worried the huddle and bustle of the hospital would scare Hyemi, but it seemed to be pretty calm. No people were dramatically being wheeled around and there wasn't any blood out in the open. Nayeon was happy Hyemi wasn't going to have to see any of that. 

Once they reach the door, Hyemi wants to run inside, but Nayeon reminds her to knock. 

“Mama!” Hyemi yells, but Nayeon immediately shhs her. 

“Baby we are in a hospital.” Nayeon blushed at the glares from the nurses at Hyemi’s screaming. Hyemi pouted, but knocked one more time. When she didn't get an answer, she immediately went to open the door. Nayeon sighed, but knew her wife wouldn't be mad at their adorable daughter. The receptionist had said Jihyo should be in her office, but Nayeon guessed she might be out or wearing headphones. 

She never would have guessed what happened when Hyemi threw the door open. 

It all felt like it was happening at double speed. One second, they were knocking on a closed door, the next Nayeon was slamming it shut, hurt and anger smeared across her face. Hyemi, who was standing next to Nayeon, looked terrified and confused as Sana’s frame shook. Nayeon felt her entire heart shatter as she processed what she had just seen. 

“Mommy? Why was Aunt Momo kissing Mama?” Nayeon couldn't answer her daughter. Her heart felt like it was working overtime as emotions flooded through her. Pain, anger, sadness, anger. They all flooded her system faster than she could think. All she could hear was the sound of her own heart and Sana gut wrenching sobs as her entire world fell apart.

[terraliensvent]

ok mod, im gonna be /gen. im mostly against terras but i read all the asks and i think its weird how you automatically say any criticism ones are “meatriding” “braindead” and “white knighting”. some of them make alot of sense 2 me, mainly abt the assets cuz even if it was for a species, it was for their own species so its not like they ever expected 2 be banned. any artist has the right to request their art taken down even if their annoying on th unless it was for money, which it wasnt. yall using words like “vandalism” and “literally disgusting” abt this comes off reactionary. not everyone criticizing how yall talk ab this is here to defend coy/civ, im def not i think their annoying af. but if u wanna be fair u gotta hear out others points without assuming and insulting them. i lowkey agree with anon who said some anons r obsessed bc of this

heres the thing, its got a lot to do with wording to me.

if you want to be the guy who says “errrmmmm….yeah you guys are a little obsessed its just furry pngs” or the guy who says “uhm civ and coy put BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS into terras and now theyre being thrown out and discarded in the rain!” thats whiteknighting to me. youre not engaging or making any sort of argument.

additionally, with the assets whiteknight, i call it “whiteknighting” because they refuse to look at the evidence in front of their face. cal said that they would redo all the assets that coy wanted removed, however they also said that its not something that can be done at the drop of a hat. whiteknights are acting like cal and staff turned up their noses sneering “you cant make me” thats literally not at all what happened you guys just refuse to read

for your last point, nobody has said anything about “wording.” its someone who, again, refuses to actually engage with an argument and just spout nonsense. but if were talking about wording, yes i would consider going in to the site and making unapproved changes, possibly causing issues for others but not having care whether it does or not, yeah i would consider that vandalism. i would also consider coy’s history of doing petty, immature shit with little to no concern for the consequences of their actions “disgusting.”

im not gonna tone police myself on my blog, ive said before that i will use hyperbole for humor, but when its time to be fully serious ill tone it down. i think that part of the reason coy especially has been able to scoot by any and all criticism is because people are SO intent on handling them with kids gloves, when theyve shown to be incredibly vindictive, even talking shit about a community they themself cultivated but then acting like they had no part to play in it

i answer all asks here, however if someone just barges in being stupid im gonna handle it like theyre stupid. when people actually have something to say, i am willing to entertain it. im willing to agree with people and change my mind and ill post opinions i dont necessarily totally agree with, but the catch is you actually have to say something instead of burying your head in the sand about counter arguments. (also ive never called anyone braindead as far as i remember but i think were getting into semantics)

im gonna start putting this at the bottom of all my posts just so you guys know im not saying i think coy should be sentenced to the firey pits of hell for all eternity, just that theyre shitty and immature and refuse to learn from their mistakes

[c0rpseductor]

being so early into the novel i may be terribly off the mark but i will say this about the um. Situation, in daddy-long-legs (by jean webster) and my earlier emetwol bitching

to me the novel’s handling of this relationship is more reminiscent than anything of the fantasy quality that i think draws people to these sorts of like, dream-depictions of incest which have no basis in or communication with reality whatsoever, and on this point is in fact still quite in the same spirit as like, selchwives who call emet daddy (long-legs)

obviously there’s an argument to be made about grooming which is really cogent but what i’m focused on is how judy speaks to mr. are-you-bald in this early period. an important thing to note is he’s not actually replying to her letters, so there’s an element of parasociality here. she refers to him as all her family rolled into one and seems happy to think of him as a father figure, but she’s an orphan and was raised in an orphanage with such gaps in her education that even many pieces of popular 1900s media depicting families is new to her. so in practice he’s more her idea of what, perhaps, a father would be like in theory. very crucially at this stage she may as well be talking to a rubber duck to work this idea out.

my point isn’t to say that any of this leading to romance as it’s presented in the novel isn’t weird (it is), but more to say that this character’s vision of family is not really grounded in any real experience of family, and accordingly fatherhood is a sort of symbolic and ideological abstraction. in a lot of ways i think this is also how the emet thing plays out. a father is symbolic of an assured, powerful, intelligent man with material wealth; nobody is actually picturing the stupid and petty tyrants most commonly dumped into the role under patriarchy, nor what the real consequences are when said petty tyrants engage in this particular mode of “relation” with daughters under their authority.

and like, this ought have been obvious from the jump, right? it’s sort of a plato’s allegory of the cave situation, it’s a silly little semiotic magician’s trick. i don’t like it, fundamentally, because it’s a papering-over of a real issue; most of these people will likely only ever engage with the topic of incestuous violence in a dollhouse where every toy’s role is fundamentally incompatible with the truth. but the point is that they’re not really engaging with an informed understanding of these dynamics any more than judy is able to really understand them when she talks to herself and imagines the silence she receives in return to be What A Father Is. (ironically enough, she’s much closer, although you might note i’m a little bitter about fathers as a rule.)

so in a way it’s like. even without the overt incest yes i suppose we really are still doing this stupid little song and dance about paternal authority, aren’t we? “but what if he was actually a hot tyrant whose misuses of authority perfectly happened to mirror my unvoiced desires and i no longer had agency because he had it for me? what if as father (symbolic, provider, authority, etc) and lover and gatekeeper of agency he took care of ALL my needs, even the ones like thinking and deciding?” What if you simply gave yourself permission to want things without having to ask dad first? you are already writing erotica on ao3, i think you can take the leap. some of us can’t ask dad, after all, since dad is a violent maniac. at least in my house, apparently in yours he’s one of those paintings of jesus with abs

[missnight0wl]

Merula should be kicked out of the Circle of Khanna because she has proven herself to be unreliable and willing to go against the group's goals when she feels petty enough.

She exposed MC-Peregrine connection before MC even had the chance to digest it.

Why?

Not because she is concerned about trust within the group. Oh no, because she wasn't invited to the meeting! Because she wanted to hurt MC!

What I wonder is if kicking her out or keeping her in the group will affect the Unbreakable Vow's condition, which is "she has to be loyal to her 'true family'". That's a rather ambigious wording. We know family isn't just blood, that it can be found among friends.

If we keep her, does that mean the vow's conditions can still be met in the Circle's favour since they are her true family?

If we kick her out, will that make Verucca her true family, thus unable to be betrayed, because she feels like she has no one left?

Alright, I have to start by saying that exposing MC and Peregrine is something I’m personally NOT holding against Merula. In fact, I’m kind of on her side. Was it petty? Sure. But choosing not to tell about Peregrine while exposing Merula was incredibly stupid. If you need time to digest your personal situation, then be quiet until you’re ready to talk about everything! You don’t need to be a Seer to predict that this decision would come back to bite MC in the ass. I know MC is an idiot, and it’s too much thinking for them, but I’m fine with them facing some consequences sometimes.

That being said, banning Merula is a pretty obvious choice either way. Like, I’m sorry, but there’s literally no argument to keep her other than pity. I still think it’s ridiculous she was ever included, to begin with. She never gave a damn about Rowan; it was always about her personal revenge on Rakepick. She never even contributed to the Circle in any meaningful way.

As for the conditions of the Unbreakable Vow, I’m fairly certain Merula is and will be perfectly fine in both scenarios. I discussed it in this post, for example. In fact, I’m kind of annoyed at how obvious Jam City made it. I mean, in the recent chapter, Merula basically admitted that she already doesn’t consider Verucca her “true family”.

So yeah, it’s probably gonna be like you say. If we keep Merula, she’ll consider the Circle her “true family”. If we ban her, the Vow won’t matter anyway because Merula has nobody anymore. OR she will still consider the Circle her “true family”, and Jam City will be like: “Oh, Merula is so wonderful! So forgiving! She cares so much!”, yadda yadda yadda.

Let’s be real, it’s probably gonna be the latter.

[starberrywander]

I hate that if you critique something its automatically assumed that you support the opposite. Like, sometimes someone says something really shitty and someone else responds to them holding the general opinion that I do but in a really shitty way. And I want to be able to say “hey, that’s shitty of you. You’re not helping. Please approach this in a different way before you make it worse.” but if I do that people will assume I support the original speaker even though I very much do not. 

Like, why can we not critique our own people? The people who we generally agree with? Why does a critique have to mean opposition? Its holding us back more than anything, because we can’t effectively hold each other accountable for shitty behavior. 

Like yeah, I’m all for protecting trans rights and fighting ableism and stopping racism and all that. 100% extremely important goals that we need to be working on and taking very seriously. I agree with y’all on the positions you take there. I want us to succeed in those goals.

However, treating those who disagree or oppose that as if they aren’t human? Pretending that insults are an acceptable substitute for activism? Using personal attacks to make your argument seem more potent instead of actually doing the work to improve the argument? Stop it. All of you. 

And quit acting like people telling you not to make your application of basic human decency conditional are telling you to just give up everything and let people harass you with not consequences. Treating your opponents like literal piles of dogshit is not “activism.” It’s called being an asshole. 

People aren’t just people when they agree with you. People aren’t just complex when they agree with you. Groups aren’t just diverse when they agree with you. Groups don’t only have nuance when they agree with you. And pretending like prejudiced folks are all simple minded members of simple un-nuanced groups helps nobody. In fact, when you refuse to acknowledge the complexity of “enemy” groups, you damage your own effectiveness.

Like, do people win wars and battles by assuming things about their opponents and refusing to accept contradictory information? No. That’s how they lose them. There is a reason spies are so valuable; if you want to plan an effective attack you need as much information as you can get about the enemy. What they’re doing, what their motives are, what they’re planning, etc.

Same goes for activism. You need to understand why people are doing what they are doing (in other words, have the empathy to put yourself in their shoes) if you want to effectively stop them. If you just assume that they’re all stupid, delusional, simple minded monsters then you miss all that. You’re setting yourself up for failure because you’re attacking an enemy that is not there. You need espionage. Gather information. Make sure you actually know what’s going on and plan around your observations, not your intuition and assumptions.

Do you get what I’m saying? Like, I obviously oppose things like sexism, racism, anti-LGBT prejudice, etc. But at least half of the arguments I see against those who spout those prejudices just fall on deaf ears. Because people don’t bother to empathize and connect with these people’s actual position and instead attack and insult them based on what they assume they believe. It’s a waste of time and it can often make the prejudiced person just double down on their position and come away with an even stronger conviction. It. Does. Not. Help. Anyone. 

But for some reason people can’t seem to separate disagreement from bullying and harassment so when I say “you should stop bullying people” they think I’m saying “you should stop disagreeing with them” and it’s so fucking annoying because no I’m not telling you to stop standing up for yourself, I’m telling you to stop being a petty fucking bully. Learn some damn patience and check yourself from time to time. They aren’t less than human and you aren’t superior, so quit acting like it. This isn’t a “fight fire with fire” situation. Dehumanization isn’t solved by more dehumanization. Get a fucking grip.

(sorry, I’m pissed. A lot of pent up frustration from not being able to say any of this shit to the actual people who do it. I hope my point was clear.)

[radishthefool]

Kindness Goblins, Three-Leaf Clovers, and Mariana Trench Divers: About flooding the internet with words of kindness, calling out to the invisible majority of kind people, and finding each other at our lowest points.

I'm currently going through yet another episode of deep shit due to an unsnarlable mix of deep shits. I feel helpless and alone, and often it gets so bad that I end up having a nonverbal breakdown on top of everything else.

I realised one of the reasons that latter snarl happens is because my adhd masking behaviour becomes more and more untenable to maintain, and I end up either needing to write entire essays or not communicating at all.

And if I know the other side won't understand or maybe even read my essays because they're not familiar with neurodiversity, I lose all willpower and hope to even begin the unsnarling process.

So this time, I decided that my coping strategy was going to be to post kind and helpful and fun comments underneath youtube videos. I also call out trolls and bigots, and explain in excruciating detail why I think their comments are unkind. I call it being a kindness goblin.

Even if only I do it, and nobody reads them, at least I fulfill my urge to be kind and helpful. But already I've gotten comments back thanking me for writing a compliment, or sharing an idea. So already I'm cheering up some people or helping them.

For too long, trolls and bigots could foul up the internet unfettered. Despite not being fed, they thrived, and have now also contaminated the real world. Trolls and bigots could easily imagine they were the loud majority, and kind people felt invisible, isolated, and alone.

But if stupid trolls and bigots can change so much for the worse by repeating the same three flawed arguments over and over and never getting into actual conversations, and if the host of the waffle house can spread far and wide, then surely us kind and diverse and creative and empathic people can manage to start a movement towards a culture that is kinder and more fun. First on the internet, and then beyond.

And if I explain my goal in the comments and on tumblr, the kindness may even spread, inspiring others to be kind and helpful and fun. And then if comment sections are filled more and more with kindness and empathy and true attempts at connection and communication and helpfulness, surely that will have real-life effects further down the road.

I've seen kindness and (neuro)diversity going hand in hand time and time again. (Neuro)diverse people flock around kind and creative youtubers like Brennan Lee Mulligan and Dimension 20, Drawfee, and so so many youtubers/tiktokers who live in the art, diversity, feminist, and progressive corners.

We've seen what people can do when they're too sensitive to injustice and too aware of nitty gritty details to gloss over a company's attempt to replace an open-source agreement with a greedy stranglehold. Especially if they retalliate without having to fear for their livelyhood or safety, let alone their country's stability.

The current world calls out for that very same mix of petty, unrelenting, thorough consequences for those many petty, greedy, openly hostile and mean companies' actions.

We need visible kindness, we need to visibly try to help and support other people, kind people need to find each other and connect, we need to combine all our diverse forms of kindness and creativity to address the world's current infestation of meanies in totally new ways that don't have to involve violent revolution, poverty, and chaos. The many kind people don't need the few meanies, especially now that we have the internet to help and support each other.

So by now impulsively writing this rambling long text, I hope I can reach the people who already kind of think like me, who are used to having to work hard to understand and be understood. Who get me without me having to kindly and patiently work around bigoted insecurities, around translation issues between different modes of thought. And especially who don't require my unending patience and creativity to work around the privilege like the people who've never had to change anything about themselves to fit in, and now feel as if they have suddenly and unfairly come under attack when those who've worked so hard to be allowed to play along at the fringe in return start demanding a fraction of the effort we've been putting in all our lives.

Thanks to the Black Lives Matter activists, I realised black people asking and explaining nicely time and time again meant it was easier for those who are content with the current situation to ignore them. Most of us non-black people literally only heard them once they got angry. Some of us finally got it, many more responded to the perceived slight of their familiar and safe status quo with increasingly open and heartless viciousness.

I realised the same was happening to other non-white people, to women, to neurodivergent people, to LGBTQ people, to (mentally/chronically) ill people, to all those people who find themselves in multiple of these groups, or different ones altogether (to a lesser extent than the cruel effects of systemic racism on black people of course, but the process of exclusion is similar every time).

It was happening to me, and I had never realised that that was what was going on. The world sucks right now, and especially kind and (neuro)divergent people cannot ignore that pain and injustice. Either because we can't escape it, or because we can't forget it, or both. We feel bad, but a lot of that stems from us not being able to just continue on while the world is so bad.

I feel so angry. And so sad. For myself, but especially for all the other marginalised and excluded and suppressed people. And I will not stay conveniently invisible any longer. If I feel super bad because the world sucks, and because my body and brain suck, and because nobody around me actually helps me, and because I know there are so many kind people out there suffering at least as much as me, while maybe even blaming themselves like I did. Trying not to be a bother, like I did. Trying to get the people we (think) we depend on to finally get it when we explain it just right, like I did.

So I will speak up. Not as neatly and concisely as I'd like, because my brain and my body and my emotions are severely snarled. I thought I'd have to condense my entire adhd web of thoughts into a catchy single headline, or many neatly organised and well-structured chapters to maybe get to get one step forward. And I'd still like to do that. As you can maybe tell, I love writing (and when I'm not bone tired from everything, I can actually edit my writings very well).

But I know there are others out there who think like me, who will get me, or who are willing and able to work on getting me. And all I can think of right now is to throw out my snarled windweb on the internet, and hope it tangles with some like minds whose cognitive networks of associations and ideas and ideals can connect to mine.

I'm realising so strongly that the more I feel like I'm going off into the deep end, the more I'm actually connecting with my true self that's usually so well hidden behind that neurotypical mask that even I don't really know her yet.

And until recently I had no idea where I could find like-minded people. I had honestly given up on the idea that it is even possible for (neuro)divergent people like me to talk to people without exhausting ourselves and then still more often than not ending up disappointed because they still didn't get us at all.

And often, they were the ones who got angry or upset from that interaction. Because it 'didn't make sense,' because they didn't expend any effort to try and understand, because it was easy for them to turn around and just continue living their life as before.

But now I do know. There are so many similarly-thinking and/or similarly-feeling, and/or similarly-motivated people out there.

And if their minds are as associatively wired as mine, they will come across either this message or the ones hopefully following from and spreading outwards from it, and will spread their own messages that got inspired from reading these.

And if their thought processes work differently, but somehow their mind latches on to something I've written here, or something someone else writes or says or creates or does because of it, then these ideas and thoughts can get translated and transformed into other types of ideas and other forms of thought. And then we've got ourselves a stew going.

I hope that by bothering the world with my long-ass writings, I will find my fellow long-winders, wide-thinkers, and high-hopers.

So step one is being a kindness goblin in youtube comments. And I'm doing that. Step two was writing this, and I did it. I've been wanting to do this forever, but my (mental) health was never good enough for long enough to work on it consistently. To structure it properly. To develop the ideas in a sequential way.

But maybe it's better this way. My mind actually prefers working in many parallel and not-so-parallel processes at the same time. Of connecting and associating and spreading out and circling around points of interest and then reconnecting and rewiring but differently. But more.

I kind of like the idea of approaching these boringfied and invisibled world problems in my adhd way, just seeing where my thoughts and ideas and impulses takes me, and then watching what happens because of it.

After all, creativity does not happen after well-structured, logical, and well-worn sequential steps from a single rock solid axiom. It happens through a more divergent thinking process (which contrasts with convergent, more linear thinking).

Creativity happens if we allow our mind to meander, when we feed it with potentially connective thoughts and ideas and experiences, taking everything into consideration, not suppressing or dismissing the 'bad' or 'silly' options, trying to find new areas of overlap, of crossroads where diverse concepts can come together in new and previously unpredictable ways that only make sense once they've been connected.

For that, we need flexible, widely-connecting and widely-connective minds where many tabs can stay open. Mental systems that allow for empathy, uncertainty, comparison, connection, reasoning, feeling, and change. A mental network that isn't so strictly and narrowly wired that it can't accommodate any new information without threatening to collapse in on itself, thus triggering extreme reactions.

Step three will be adding some tags. Tag one will be 'kindness goblins.' I enjoy the image of many wildly different little creatures, hyperactive and stoic, flexible and stubborn, unpredictable and rigid, fast-talking and quiet, all of them unique yet unhasitatingly supportive. Our unified chaos would surely overrun and overwhelm lumbering trolls and rooted-in-place bigots.

Tag two will be 'three-leaf clovers.' Initially I just added that icon at the end of my youtube comments as a little present. A gift of kindness, and a small token of my appreciation for reading until the end.

But after another commenter asked about its meaning, I came to realize it's a beautiful symbol: three-leaf clovers are more common than four-leaf ones, but you'd never know it when looking at how often we see them represented online and in different media. Similarly, kind people are an invisible majority. There are more kind people than jerks, but you'd never know it from all the jerks we see online and in most media.

Tag three will be for people who are in the deep end right now, or know what it's like to end up there. I will call us the Mariana Trench Divers, because we go deep, explore all the nooks and crannies of our own minds and the entire world until we run out of breath, but we always end up coming back to give it another go up there.

Often those returning from the deep bring cool but weird stories. However, it can be disappointingly tough to find the people who will listen and care. Or who do listen and care, but that's it. Causing our stories to never move beyond these passive listeners. The stories run aground at the first stop.

There seem to be so few of us, and we've always been told we're uniquely different and nobody could ever understand us because our minds just don't make sense. So it's no wonder all of us feel like nobody else cares.

But I care. I love hearing new information, or old information but through a different lens, I genuinely adore weird ideas, unexpected connections, and unfinished thoughts. They get my own mind going. And then, if I can throw my own ideas and connections and experiences back into the mix, and then that gets absorbed in other people's mindwebs and gets their creative juices flowing, and those results come back around to me, and so forth, then I'm at my happiest.

And plenty of other people care as well. Did you know neurodivergent people make as much sense to each other as neurotypical people do to each other? It's true, researchers found that autistic people find it quite easy to communicate with each other. And I've experienced time and again that the same is true for adhd people.

And sure, those two groups, and all those other marginalised groups, can think very differently from each other as well. However, we can find each other in shared experiences, in a shared awareness that we need to work towards understanding and connection, in a shared willingness to actually do so, and a shared capacity to explore options of making it possible.

We don't actually have to fit in the world as it is now. It has been sterilised and monocultured until any trace of diversity and creativity and kindness has been driven to the fringes. Except the fringes are now online, and we can find each other, and all our beautifully different minds can surely come up with ideas that, compared to the boring, mind-numbing world of today, will be kinder, more creative, more diverse, and more fun.

☘️

[beevean]

An argument I will make in favor of Netflix Carmilla and Hector is that they are a very good example of "evil sucks". It's stupid, pointless and in the end will only screw everyone over, both the victims and perpetrators. This may not always make for the best villains though and believe me, I totally understand your issues with how the show handled Hector.

I can't even call Hector "evil". I actually liked his concept in S2, a gentle anti-villain with absolutely zero feelings for humanity, no hatred like Isaac, simply "well if the vampires want to turn them into livestock and make sure that they're treated well, sure why not, better than being killed and tortured". He had a very disturbing worldview, best expressed when he compared vampires to animals as a compliment. Sure, it was beyond OOC if you see him as Hector from the game, but as his own character? Much, much more intriguing than all the evil vampires who of course look down on humans because that's their nature. But of course, Ellis simply turned him into a giant dumbass and fetish fuel, so all of that went down the drain.

Carmilla has no intrigue. Nothing to make me want to care, even for her demise. @spinningbuster98 kept calling her Griffith because she’s the “visionary” of the Council, and you know what? No. Griffith was not only charming, he had moments of vulnerability, his deep friendship with Guts, and he was so driven to reach his own petty goal that he even traumatized himself. When he went to seduce Princess Charlotte, after Guts broke his heart, yes it was stupid on his part, but it made sense. It was tragic. It was a consequence of a believable emotional response. Considering how uncharacteristically sloppy he was (he didn't even bring a sword to defend himself), you can see him as being deliberately self-destructive. Hell, even he's a bit of an hypocrite: he tells Charlotte that he'd only respect someone as a friend if they had their own goals and didn't simply follow him... and when Guts finds his own goal, away from Griffith, he goes insane and tries to kill him! Why? Because not only he was used to have the lives of everyone around him in his own hand, but by that point he grew attached to Guts! Human emotions that humanize a bad person!

Carmilla's only moments of vulnerability are when she goes on rants about Men Bad. Oh, and when Morana tells us that she still has nightmares :^) she otherwise doesn't feel like a real person. Her hypocrisy is only there to make her less likeable, and her stupidity is constantly beaten over our heads because, for some reason, this show thinks that undermining a villain's accomplishments and plans is good writing. Had she had a better motivation for her growing and unrealistic ambition than Men Bad, maybe I'd find her pitiable, but not even that. She's nothing.

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

just some hawks headcanons

he loves doing your eyeliner and loves when you point out how good he is at it

he’ll do cool designs too not just normal eyeliner and if you ever wanna do his eyeliner he’s so down (but if you’re not super good at it he will playfully make fun of you, while giving you little tips here and there it’s cute)

he’s such a morning person it’s annoying at times, but it’s generally because he’s been working nonstop for years on a schedule that had him up early 

but on the bright side, if he has time before he has to go to work, he’ll make you breakfast and you’ll get wholesome morning cuddles before he goes 

or if it’s a day off you’ll wake up to him pressing soft kisses all over your cheeks and nose and jawline and a few stray ones on your lips while he whispers ‘come on baby, time to wake up’ all pouty like

he likes to sleep on top of your chest, mainly because it’s easier for him to sleep on his stomach cause of his wings, but he’ll wrap his arms around your waist tightly and bury his face in your chest or neck

he also nuzzles into you a lot, both asleep and awake, he thinks its comforting

he wants to stay up late with you so badly because he’ll take essentially any time he can get with you, but no matter what he wakes up early so he knows he needs to sleep early too, would probably knock out at midnight at the latest anyways

he whistles all the time, he hums a lot too, he’s got a pretty decent voice 

his hair, while it looks good, is probably pretty tangled and messy all the time since he’s always flying around, so he’d love it if you helped him brush his hair gently

also he loves when you help him take care of his wings, he’s kinda hesitant to let other people touch them because they’re so sensitive but if you’re gentle then he’s ecstatic 

when you kiss he lets out little hums from the back of his throat

whenever he gets hurt doing hero work he tries to stay away from you until his injuries dont look bad/he can function fairly normally, one reason for this is that he doesn’t like being seen as weak and vulnerable, he likes people thinking he’s indestructible almost, especially you, and the second reason is that he hates worrying you. he’s so thankful for you and just wants you to be happy so he hates worrying you in any way

but you will catch on eventually, and he begins to grow out of this when you start taking care of his injuries and coddling him a bit 

at the beginning of the relationship it was kinda rocky in an emotional sense, he was physically there and from an outside perspective everything seemed great considering how busy he is and all that, but you knew there were some barriers there that took a while for you two to communicate about

thing is you’re likely keigo’s first relationship, he’s never had the time or care to even think about one but you came along and he just couldn’t resist, but he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do outside of things he’s heard and he still isnt sure how much trust he should give you

and he knows there’s something up, but he’s still careful about bringing it up, sometimes he thinks that maybe it’d be better for the both of you if you broke up but he knows he’d miss you and doesn’t want to

so eventually you’d have to bring it up, just ask him if things are okay and help him to understand that you’re there for him and that even if it takes time you want to learn about him - even while dating it could take a bit to fully earn his trust, but through various vulnerable moments he’d begin to open up more

he’s insanely protective of you, he tries not to let the media know too much about you if you’re not a hero, and even if you are he tries to make sure your relationship isn’t made into this huge publicity thing - and if anyone ever bothers you he isn’t shy to stand up for you and hurt somebody, he cares more about you than his reputation and he’ll deal with the consequences later

he’s jealous in a possessive you’re mine kind of way, but he does like to show you off, it’s just he has kind of a look but don’t interact policy, as soon as someone tries getting too friendly he’s backing them off, but he loves people knowing that youre with him

if you’re a hero he’ll definitely try to work with you often if your quirks allow it (mainly meaning if you have a quirk that has you out on the field capable of doing intense fighting rather than a quirk that would keep you in a different field than him)

he can be extremely touchy but he can also have moments of not wanting to be touched at all, sometimes he feels better being in his own space, he doesn’t like feeling crowded even if it’s just you, but during these times he’ll still want to be around you, maybe even having your pinkies laced but that’s it

he ruffles your hair all the time

he probably loves going to the park late at night to play on the playground, he likes a lot of more ‘childish’ seeming things mainly because he didn’t have a normal childhood, but he’d love running around the playground with you

asks you to race to who can swing the highest faster and then uses his wings and cheats (he’s probably caused the swing and him to swing around the actual pole at the top doing that before, his life flashed before his eyes, he never did it again)

he absolutely loves carrying you around while flying, if you’re afraid of heights or just don’t like it he understands but if you’re into it then he’ll do it all the time, he thinks of the sky way above the clouds as a safe space where it’s just him and his thoughts and no problems, and he’s so happy to bring you there - now it’s just you two in the whole world and he wants nothing more 

he has dreams of just being able to live freely with you, going around the world just being happy doing whatever you want, maybe eventually settling down, doesn’t matter where - he’s not all too sure if it’ll ever happen since it feels kinda impossible to him to have a life where he isnt stuck doing hero work, but he craves it a lot 

if you don’t want to get married or have kids that’s perfectly fine, keigo would be happy either way, but he probably dreams of those things too - he seems like the type of kid who imagined a pretty wedding with the love of his life one day, and he just knows that if it’s going to be anyone it’s going to be you 

always flirts with you super confidently, tells you stupid pick up lines as if you weren’t dating, but if you ever turn that back on him he gets super flustered

he’d probably cry if you ever pointed out how beautiful you think he is, like his face and body and everything - it’s not that he’s never been told it before, he’s literally a model, he knows he’s attractive, but he probably thinks people view him more so as an object to look at rather than actually appreciating him, so knowing how much you love him for him means so much 

it was a big thing for him even just telling you his name, everyone (at least for a while) only knew him as hawks, so if you start dating before his name was made public, it’d take a lot. he’d probably do it before asking you out, but he was still very nervous about it. he probably only told you his first name at that time, his last name came later, maybe even into you dating

though he instantly fell in love with the way his name sounds coming from your lips

there might be a lot of petty arguments, he can get agitated fairly easily when he’s been working a lot which is most of the time, and at the beginning of the relationship he didn’t know how to talk this through and would get annoyed by little things - he’s gotten better at it over time though and now he calms down quicker and talks to you about it 

would think it’s funny if you bought any stupid merch of him - he walks in and you have a blanket covered in his face and you’re wearing shorts with his hands on the ass, he’d think it’s hilarious. 

[burytherosemarysprigs]

Oral Sadism and Literary Arguments

A/N : Ok, so, like enemies to lovers???? slow burn??? literature??? fuck me.

/ Masterlist /

Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader (College AU)

Word Count: 6k

Summary: There’s probably only one thing worse than chauvinist literature, and that’s the sardonic boy who sits two rows behind in Lit class with his torn paperbacks and ineffable aversion.

“Well, I actually disagree with you,”

If you didn’t have that much self-control, you would’ve snapped the pencil you were holding in half, as you heard a deep voice speak up behind you, and before you could retort, Professor Gordon spoke,

“And why’s that Jason?”

“I think Bukowski was trying to present how men will hide their inner thoughts and feelings, really their sensitivity in that aggression as an attempt at protection.” Jason spoke up, his voice boiling your blood as the rest of the class stayed in relative silence, as you turned around to look at him as he stared directly at you,

“I’m sorry, protection? What part about misogyny and blatant objectification of women as only being sexual objects that can be discarded and picked up when he pleases passes as protection? Women that are empty and uncharacterised to the extent the reader begins to agree with Chinaski that yes, women are less. Women are not important. And women don’t require compassion and consent, what part of any of this reminds you about goddamn male – “

“All right, I think that’s enough for today.” Gordon interrupted your heated rant with a sigh, which you share and quickly turn around close your eyes to try and avoid the weight of Jason’s stare as Gordon begins to dismiss the class.

“All right everyone, I hope you took something useful from that discussion, though I’m not sure if you would classify that as a discussion,” He added sarcastically, before continuing, “I expect you all to have brief outlines planned out for next week, and please try to work as collaboratively as you can with your partner to do so.”

The last part was directed at you and Jason – though neither of you payed proper attention – while the rest of the class let out small snickers.

“Right then, class dismissed, and uh, you two, could you both please stay behind for a minute.”

Fucking great. You thought to yourself, even though Gordon didn’t specify both you and Jason, his tired expression tells you otherwise and you start collecting your notes and pens into your bag in a silent fury and made your way to the front of the class, where Gordon was leaning against his oak desk, watching both of you stand in front of him – not casting a single glance towards the other as you waited for him to speak. He sighs,

“I don’t think you both understand how frustrating it is when your top students both have it out for each other and can’t hold a single civil discussion before arguing like little children,” He begins, becoming more wary as he continues, “Which is why I paired you up for this assignment and I fully expect you both to work together, and I hope I can expect that from you?”

He looked at both of you with an expectant look, and Jason only nodded curtly as a response, and you did the same but decided to chirp in,

“That’s great that you think we’ll be able to work together, sir, but on a totally unrelated note, how would my grade be impacted if my partner was suddenly mauled by a car over the weekend and was unable to complete the project with me?” You spoke, voice deadpanning, as your professor barely restrained in a smile while Jason looked at you with an empty expression.

“I would say that would be a fail as you missed the premises of ‘working with a partner’, as well as some serious legal consequences.” He replied, somehow maintaining a serious look as he spoke.

“That’s great to know sir.” You spoke, nodding along before he dismisses you both, leading you to quickly walk out of the classroom, breathing out a sigh of relief as you see Barbara leaning against the wall, busy on her phone, waiting for you to come out.

“What took you so long,” She asks as soon as she hears your sigh, pocketing her phone, and linking her arm with yours,

“I swear to God, one day, I might as well skin him – “

“Look, if I had known before that you could be so dramatic, I would’ve told you to choose drama as your major.”

“Ha. So funny. It’s just – fuck him.” You say the last part under your breath as you turned around to see nobody in the empty hallway.

“You two are really something else.” She states, making you roll your eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s supposed to mean that you and Jason are really annoying. And petty.”

“Well, he’s the one that needs to contradict and compete against every single fucking thing I say, every single fucking time! It’s really fucking annoying,” Barbara only rolls her eyes in amusement. “And Gordon paired us up together for this project, and, God, I just can’t do anything with him without wanting to punch him in his stupid face.”

“I know, and that’s exactly why Gordon paired you both up, he really likes you both and he wants you both to stop having this weird rivalry between each other.”

“Wait. You knew?”

“Well yeah. I’m his daughter.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Because I like seeing you suffer.”

“You know, you’re a terrible friend.”

“Thank you,” She replies, with a small laugh, before she links her arm with yours again and whips out her phone to frantically shoot another text as she lets out a deep sigh. “Where is Steph? She took my car this morning and said she’d pick us up.”

“You let her drive your Bentley?” You ask, surprised she would give Stephanie one of her most prized possessions.

“Yeah, I know,” She spoke, absorbed in her phone, “But, she promised me that she would keep it safe, and we all know that I will kill her if something happens to it.”

“I do.” You reply, a small laugh escaping your lips before a blue Bentley pulled up in front of you both, causing Barbara to quickly pull open the door and shuffle inside, leaving you to chuckle to yourself before making your way to the back seat of the car, the blaring music making you wince as you enter the car but Babs quickly turns it off as both of you settle in.

“See! Your car is perfectly fine, just like I told you it would be!” Steph smugly announced, her blonde curls bouncing wildly as Barbara stared at her unimpressed, before both of them fall into their routine bickering as, this time, Babs begins to criticise her driving and apparent ‘mishandling of the most precious thing to me’, while you only roll your eyes at their antics before pulling out your phone to scroll through the messages you’ve missed throughout the day.

“Hey,” Steph’s voice shakes you out of your thoughts as you meet her eyes through the rear-view mirror, “What’s up with you today?”, her seemingly innocent question provokes a snicker from Babs – to which she receives a smack on the shoulder from you.

“What?” Steph inquires further.

“Nothing, why don’t you ask miss ‘I-fucking-hate-Jason-Todd’ here.”

“Fuck off, Barbara.” You grit out, glaring at her through the rear-view mirror.

“God, both you and Jason actually act like children,” Stephanie chimes in, “You’re both almost the same but you both compete against each other against every little thing – “.

“Are we done talking about Todd?” You retort, ignoring Steph’s comment, “I have better things to do than think about him.”

“Mhmm, sure.” Barbara winks at you and it takes a lot for you not to launch at her right there, in the car but Steph draws your attention away by babbling about some boy she met in her criminology class and the conversation in the car gradually fizzles out, until Steph asks,

“You guys heard about the party this weekend, right,” A matching ‘yes’ from you and Babs prompts her to continue, “Well, you’re going then, right?”

“I don’t know, but why’re you so pressed about it?” Bars questions, with a raised eyebrow.

“No reason, I’m just curious.”

“It’s Tim, isn’t it?” This time, you pipe in, and Steph almost yells,

“No. No, it’s not!”

“Oh my god. Of course it is.” Babs laugh echoes with yours as you eye Steph in the rear-view mirror, to see a blush dusting her cheeks as she quiets down.

“Whatever, are you coming or not.”

“After this conversation, yeah I am.”

“God. I hate you both.”

Standing in the corner of the party, nursing a red solo cup of something that burns your throat when you drink it, you regret not saying anything in the car against attending this party.

You’re currently standing alone, both Steph and Babs have completely disappeared into crowd, as Dick had shown up and quickly whisked her away as soon as you all entered the apartment, whereas Steph has promised to get you a drink about twenty minutes ago but never came back and as you try to block out the reverberating EDM music blasting through the room, you make your way towards the kitchen to re-fill your cup (the one that you went and got yourself), before something catches your attention in the peripheral vision.

It’s a wispy haired girl, her eyes smudged with mascara, backed against the wall of the kitchen – away from the main crowd, you could pick from her body language a sense of uncomfortability as she was drunkenly shaking her head at a man who towered in front of her, making you stop in your tracks to watch the scene unfold right in front of you, before quickly changing your course towards their direction, already knowing the identity of the man in front of the girl, without seeing his face.

“Hey, Cyrus, get the fuck away from her!”

As soon as you reach them, and the words leave your mouth, another raucous voice speaks at the same time as you.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Cyrus and the girl in front of him stop at their hushed conversation, to look away from each other and face you both while you also look at Jason – with a shocked expression – standing next to you and before you can say anything, Cyrus lets go of his hold on the girl before turning to glare at you.

“I don’t see how any of this is any of your business?”

You restrain yourself from physically hurling at him and fist your hands at your sides before looking at him with an unimpressed look.

“I don’t see how any of this is your business either, Beck? Thought daddy said that he’ll pull you out of school if he had to deal with your stupid behaviour again, or did you forget about it?”

“I swear to god – “

He tries to step closer to you but Jason steps in front of you before he can do anything else, and mutters,

“How about you fucking walk away before something worse happens?”

Beck shrugs of Jason’s hold on him before walking away and pointing a finger at you.

“You’re such a fucking bitch, you know that?”

“Should’ve said that to your daddy when he said I was best fucking person he’s ever met.”

He looks at you wildly and is about to retort before one of his friends pulls his attention to a game of beer-pong happening in another corner of the party and the whole scene stops for a second. You watch with a held breath as within a fraction of a second, a cocky smile overtakes his face and his shoulders relax as he runs his hands through his dark hair, leaving with his friend and you quickly turn around to see the girl, still standing there, her arms wrapped around her body and a shocked expression on her face.

It takes you a second, but you manage to gently coax her to the hallway outside the apartment and Jason (unbeknownst to you) follows in your footsteps.

“Do you want me to call you a cab, or can I drop you off?”

She shakes her head and is about to say something before Jason interjects,

“I can take her home.”

Both you and the girl turn around and stare at him and you quickly shake your head, diverting your gaze away from him,

“It’s fine Todd, I’ve got this.”

He sighs.

“Will you just let me help her?”

“Well, I’ve already told you that I’ve got this under control, so I don’t see why you’re being so – “

“Oh - uh, you don’t have to worry about me, I can uh – go home myself.”

“No. I – uh mean, let us take you home just to make sure that everything will be okay.”

A meek smile overtakes her face as you squeeze her hand lightly and you offer a half-smile in return.

“Us?” Jason’s voice perks up and you turn around,

“Well, I don’t have a car. If you want, I can come with you and drop her off at her place but – “

“Yeah, sure. Come on.”

His voice is clipped as he moves past you both, turning around the end of the hallway, leading you both to quickly follow him as well.

“Wait. I never asked you for your name.” You gently rest place your hand on her shoulder, making her stop and quietly giving her name,

“It’s Anna.”

...

By the time you’ve left Anna’s apartment complex, the small talk in the car dwindles down as you both sit, unnerved in the dimmed light of the car, the silence suffocatingly awkward. It doesn’t change until he pulls up to the curb, facing the entrance to your apartment building.

“Thanks.”

It’s quiet enough that you didn’t expect that he’d actually hear you. Let alone, grab your wrist before you leave, an incredulous expression on his shadowy face.

“Thanks? That’s it. You’re not going to say anything about what’s just happened?”

“Well, what the fuck do you want me to say.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well neither do I. Look. Thanks for dropping me off and Anna. That’s it. I don’t have anything else to say to you.”

He doesn’t say anything and let’s go of his hold on your wrist before you quickly slip out of the car, not realising the force at which you push, slams the door shut, making you internally wince. But in your peripheral vision, you can see he doesn’t look at you, with his face staring forward and grip tight on the wheel.

His car’s gone further and turned the corner before you’ve even made it to the entrance doors, and you breath in the cold October air, letting the wind whip across your bare skin, goosebumps rising while standing in a pathetically insulating satin dress, your thoughts pummeling through your mind without fully understanding them and you sigh again.

“What did you say to him after that?”

“Babs, I’m already – “

You stop midway through your hushed conversation with Barbara to see a disheveled Jason noisily weave his way through the shelves, towards the table at the back of the library you had occupied with Barbara.

“Sorry, I – “

“If you weren’t really going to care about this assignment, you should’ve said something before showing up thirty minutes late.” You deadpan, voice steely and brows furrowed.

“Will you fucking listen to me?” he breathlessly cuts you off from saying anything else as he drops his books on the table.

“I’ll head out now.” Barbara mutters to you, squeezing your arm and slinging her bag over her shoulder before quietly slipping out of sight. You rested your chin in your propped arm, waiting for Jason to continue,

“Well, what’s your excuse?”

“I don’t have an excuse. I was caught up in call with my father, it ended up being longer than I expected.”

You stare at him for a moment, his eyebrows also furrowed and hair sticking in all directions as he breathes heavily.

“Whatever, just complete the outline of notes I made for you.” You replied, pushing pieces of sticky notes and highlighted papers, that you had been picking at for the past half hour, towards his direction.

In about fifteen minutes, you’re both working in relative silence apart from the occasional remarks on the thesis and clarification on handwritings. There’s also been the perpetual looks on Jason’s part, and regardless of how much you try to block them, it itches at you to confront him about his irritating tendency.

“What Jason? What do you want now?”

His expression is firstly, taken aback, and then he coughs before asking,

“Did you ever talk to the girl after the party?”

You nod slowly, eyes still trained on the table, curving letters on colour-coded sticky notes before replying,

“Yeah, Stephanie’s their R.A, so I went and checked up on them the day after the party, she’s doing fine.”

You think that’s the end of his curiosity, but the pit of anxiety in your stomach and his next question, makes you internally want to bang your head against the alder wood table.

“And, uh, what about Beck?

Now, you stop writing with your pen and look up at him instead, resting your chin on your propped hand again, with a bored expression splayed on your face to try and detract from the internal anxiety, for both yourself and him.

“What about him?”

He doesn’t say anything at first and for a moment you think he might snap like he did in the car a few nights ago, but he only closes his eyes in frustration as you cock your head to one side.

“If you’re wondering if he’s going to face consequences for what he does – then no.”

There’s no verbal response except for a quizzical expression and you almost roll your eyes at him.

“I swear to God Jason, do you live under a fucking rock?”

“I just – look if you’re gonna be a bitch about it, then fucking leave it.”

“Maybe if you’d like to stop yelling in the goddamn library, I can fucking say something.” You almost hiss at him, voice seething as you both glare at each other.

“Anyways, you probably know that Beck’s the son of the headmaster, yeah, yeah, anyways, he’s always been a fucking creep around parties, but he’s never like you know, ever gotten that far.”

Jason raises an eyebrow at your hushed whispers.

“Like, he just trails around parties looking to either fight someone or just annoy them the fuck out but usually someone stops him before he can do something worse. But, still doesn’t mean that he isn’t a fucking asshole anyways – and his dad and him have like the worst fucking relationship ever, he’s threatened to pull him out a bunch of times of school because he’s so shit.”

You lower your voice even further at the last past, that you’re not sure if he can even hear you.

“How do you know all this?”

You shake your head and trail your eyes back to the unfinished notes in front of you.

“That’s unimportant. He’s a whiny trust-fund brat and I don’t know why someone hasn’t punched him yet.”

That silences Jason for a moment. And the moment doesn’t last long before your phone’s alarm blares through the silence of the library and you quickly move to silence it and Jason eyes question you but you don’t respond, instead move to disorderly throw all the pens and highlighters into your bag and grab as many papers you could in one go before quickly whispering,

“I’ve gotta go.”

“Wait – “

“Look. I promised I’d help a friend out with something. I’ll let you know when I’m free again.”

Jason doesn’t have a chance to say anything else before you’ve flitted through the haze of bookshelves out of view.

“What happened to the guy your dad set you up with?”

“Darian?”

Babs doesn’t look up from her place on the vanity table as she touches up her makeup while you’re sat on the table with a plastic fork prodding the edges of one of the Halloween themed chocolate cakes Babs attempted to bake for the party.

“Yeah, the one with the hair, right?”

“The hair?”

She casts a pointed look at you through the mirror, but you only take in another forkful of chocolate icing before answering,

“Yeah, he had like the most voluminous hair I’ve ever fucking seen.”

“Really? Well he had the most boring personality that I’ve ever fucking seen.”

She barely contains a smile at your comment while her own snarky comment elicits a snort from you but before you can say anything else, the frantic clicking of Stephanie’s (beloved) d’orsay heels against the linoleum floor followed by her quickly making her way into the dimly lit bedroom causes the room to fall into silence.

“You’re not ready yet?”

Her voice holds an accusatory tone and Babs quickly scoffs,

“I’m trying. But somebody keeps distracting me by asking unimportant questions.”

“Excuse me. I’m trying to be a good friend and keep up with my friend’s life.”

“Please. It sounds more like you want to know more about Darian.”

Before you can retort to her statement, Steph’s voice cuts in,

“Darian? Who’s that?”

“A guy I went on a date with a while ago.” Babs replies with a roll of her eyes, pulling out a scarlet lipstick tube from her make-up bag.

“ – That your dad set you up with.” You finish for her and Stephanie laughs.

“Since when is Professor Gordon a dating guru?”

“Since fucking never,” Babs replies, this time, twisting the cap of her lipstick. “It was just some guy in the forensic unit that he probably felt bad for being single and alone, but he shouldn’t have, ‘cause he didn’t have a fucking personality even if he tried.”

“Well that sucks. Anyways, are you both ready?” She pulls out her phone out of the bag she’d brought and starts typing.

“Or, you know, at least tried to be ready?” This time, she eyes you pointedly and you let out a noise of protest while stuffing another forkful of chocolate cake in your mouth.

“I’m sorry not all of us have devoted our whole fucking lives curating every Halloween costume known to man!”

This was something you’d noticed since you’d come back to Gotham and had been forced to attend Halloween parties – nearly everyone you’d encountered was practically obsessed with the celebration – and one of those people was Barbara. So much so, that every year she held a Halloween party and planned it more profusely than you’ve ever seen her do anything else. Her love also came with a heightened scrutiny for your enthusiasm – or lack thereof – for the holiday.

Which was why you were currently sat, dressed in a black boat neck dress with a flimsy witch hat resting on your head as you decimated one of Babs’ rejected Halloween cakes – yet the worst part was that it was currently early December (midterms being pushed back made it impossible to have it in October) and the last thing you’d wanted was to attend this party but Babs had personally threatened to drag you there to complete her and Steph’s wish of doing a group costume.

“It’s only you, you know.” Steph retorts, head cocking to one side and blonde curls hanging over her shoulder, “Now, let’s go, let’s go!”

About three hours later, you’ve found yourself nursing a cup of cheap bar (the number, you’re pretty sure that you’ve lost count of), eyeing a clique of literature students, who are currently in the midst of an argument while you stand in the corner of the room, trying to avoid them recognizing you out of their peripheral vision.

“What’re you doing?”

“What the – “ You quickly turn around to see a tall figure dressed in black staring down at you quizzically, and then you realize that it’s Jason Todd.

“Todd, what the fuck do you want.” You hiss – not at all in the mindset to have a conversation with him at the moment – while trying to remain quiet enough so that you don’t attract any unwanted attention.

“I should be asking you,” He taunts back. “You’re the one sulking around the party and hiding in places.”

You don’t try to reply to his response but offer another front of argument that throws all sensibility of your previous claim of not wanting to fight Jason out of the window.

“I don’t fucking understand, why can’t you just leave me alone?”  

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just trying to talk to you and you’re blocking everyone’s way.”

“Well, I’m not moving. So, they can find another way.”

“Are you fucking serious,” His voice raises. “You’re actually acting like a – “

“Shut up. Will you.” You hiss, pushing both of you further into the corner, so the bi-fold doors hide you better from the view of the group.

“What are you – “

“Morgan and his stupid friends keep trying to argue with me about some shit literature and won’t leave me alone.”

“Why?” There’s an edge to his voice which you pretend not to hear by avoiding his eyes.

“Beats me.”

He falters at the hostility of the comment – or lack thereof and you don’t say anything else but instead move to carefully peer pass the maple doors to scan for the group you’ve been avoiding amongst the mass of people in the room and as soon as you can’t see them you quickly move past Jason, to the to the cantilever staircase, without registering Jason’s footsteps trailing behind yours until you’ve reached the top and the overwhelming music and yelling from the party subdues a little and you let out a breath of relief before you see Jason also reaching the top of the stairs.

“Are you fucking following me?”

“No. Barbara and Stephanie were looking around for you and I was helping them.”

That lessens your anger a little and then confusion settles.

“Why?”

“I wanted to apologise to you.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in and find yourself a little speechless.

“I – I meant why were they were looking for me but go on.”

“Oh,” You think you see his cheeks tint pink a little but with the dim lighting dancing shadows on his face, you’re not sure. “Well, I wanted to say sorry about the last class we had with Gordon.”

He takes a pause to slightly mess with his hair by running a hand through it.

“You were right about Bukowski – I – I don’t know why I said all of that shit.”

Looking back at this moment, you think it’s not your brightest because somehow his rather heartfelt confession falls almost deaf on your ears and somehow the narrative in your mind shifts to something else entirely.

“Is this some sort of joke, Todd?”

“What?”

“Did Morgan put you up to this shit? I know you and I don’t get along but siding with him is real fucking low, you know?”

“I – “

“I can’t fucking believe that you’re listening to all their bullshit and agreeing with them. It’s so – “

“No. What the fuck is wrong with you?” He cuts you off and his voice raises considerably. “I’m trying to fucking apologize to you and all your doing is being a bitch again.”

That silences you, but he continues.

“You know, I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything to understand what I did to fuck up with you, I’ve asked Barbara and Stephanie and – just, fuck, why did I listen to Dick?”

He mutters the last part, but you catch it anyway but still no response forms in your head at all, instead new questions pop-up as Jason runs another frantic hand through his ruined hair before quickly thundering down the stairs, leaving you…

You’re not quite sure what you’re feeling but cold is one of them as you pull the pathetic lace sleeves down your arm to try and warm yourself but nothing happens and maybe you feel your eyes too heavy to keep open as tears brim at the corners.

“Hey – are you okay?”

Babs’ voice causes your head to snap upwards as you watch her quickly scaling the stairs, eyebrows furrowed together, and you offer no response until she reaches the top and extends her arms to pull you into a hug.

“You were right. Halloween really isn’t your holiday.”

“Could you please stay behind for a moment?”

Gordon asks of you as you’re heading out of the hall, and the pit of anxiety resting in your stomach throughout the class, blooms further as you wait on the side until all the hall empties and its just you and Gordon.

He doesn’t say anything for a while, until he finally sighs and looks at you with a hard expression – one you’re all too familiar with from when you were little –

“Concerning Jason,”

You nod. Since your argument two days ago, you haven’t seen him, and the guilt seeped in farther when his spot well behind you remained empty the entire lesson.

“He’s pulled from your partnership.”

“W-what?”

“He came to talk to me, saying that he can’t continue to work with you anymore on any further projects, and the last one I paired you up on should definitively be the last.”

“Sir, I – “

“Look, I don’t like to meddle in the private lives of my students, but this situation is too tiring for me not to say that whatever problem you and Jason have; fix it. I always find both your work fascinating and that goes for the assignment you both submitted before and I simply cannot allow your own vanities to cloud judgment over the fact that you and Jason are paragons at literature and in my books, are too quick-witted to allow this talent to be lost amongst petty arguments.”

“I know, I – “

“So, I hope you’ll resolve this issue before next week’s lesson?”

“I – yes. Yes, I will.”

“Good. You’re dismissed.”

“Can I come in?”

The situation that you’re currently in rolls over you in waves of guilt and anxiety as you stand in front of Jason, in a beige coloured hallway as he idly stands with the apartment door halfway open, hesitant at your words or more so at how you’re standing in front of his apartment with worn boots and a heaving chest. You’d finally taken heed of the advice offered from Gordon, Steph and Babs and even consulted Dick and mulled it over with your own guilt before trekking all the way to his apartment.

“Sure,” His voice sounds removed – apathetic enough that you have to refrain from wincing, as he opens the door further to let you in. “Are you okay?”

You don’t hear him as your boots echo against the hardwood floor as you enter the apartment building and the sudden realization that this is the first time you’ve seen his apartment settles in as you eye the dimly lit space, with books scattered on the coffee – most of them are torn, something you’ve always found a little endearing, though you won’t admit it. The room is an oddly home-y mixture of warm beige's and deep browns that you would’ve kept staring at if he hadn’t called out your name again.

“What?”

“I asked, are you okay? You’re red in the face and panting.”

“Oh, oh, yeah, I walked all the way here and the elevator was out of service, so I used the stairs.”

“Why did you walk, nearly twenty blocks?” He furrows his brows and you let out of a puff of annoyance.

“I – listen, I don’t want to argue with you,” You take a step closer and calm yourself before starting. “You – you were right, I was being a complete and total bitch to you without reason at that party and before that. It’s just – “

You stop, and release a chuckle before awkwardly asking, “I’m gonna need a drink to get through this, do you have any?”

Nearly fifteen minutes later, not as drunk as you need to be, but enough that it gives you courage to finally stop beating around the bush and talk to him so you move to see him also standing facing the open windows to the evening sky, the sun setting against the horizon as dusk settles and you motion for him to sit on the floor as you are and he slowly complies.

“Look, I know I’ve been hostile towards you since – “

“Why?” He interrupts, not looking at you and you sputter a little. “Why have you been so hostile to me.”

“Well, you should know, none of it was your fault – well, not directly.” You sigh.

“College was my chance to start over. You don’t need to know all of the other shit, but I just thought that this whole experience would make everything okay and I wouldn’t need to fight for every single thing in my life just to end up being sub-par. And, it was going great.” You slightly chuckle to try not to choke on your words.

“That was, until you came along with your prodigal capabilities in literature and it felt like everything was falling apart again. Because somehow, suddenly, I wasn’t Gordon’s favourite anymore and I wasn’t at the top of the class – and somehow, I wasn’t enough.” Your voice is a little more choked now as you kept looking forward, even though Jason had started watching you now.

“It just was like my entire belief system just got turned upside down.” You release a breath and let the silence settle after your words.

“Fuck, I just unloaded a crap-ton of shit onto you, and you probably don’t understand any of it. I mean, I’m drunk so I don’t understand either.” You laugh and try not to cry, even though you’re pretty sure you will.

“No, I think I understand sort of, too,” He replies, voice softer than you expected and you’re more surprised to see a small smile gracing his lips. “You’re not completely wrong about the whole belief system thing there, you know, Gordon’s classes meant the same thing to me too and I just wanted to enjoy something without having to fight my way for it but boy, did you make that hard.”

A breathy chuckle escapes you as he stops talking and you both sit in the silence until he pipes up again,

“If we’re trying to mend this whole thing then maybe you should want this back too,” His voice is cryptic as you furrow your brows in confusion and stare at him with a lost expression as he stands up to walk away and disappear into the hallway, out of your sight before quickly returning with something clasped in his hand while you raise an eyebrow at him.

“You dropped this in my car when we were heading back from the party with that whole thing with Anna. Dick found it the next morning and had a whole field day about it.”

In his palm, rests a single earring piece shaped like an olive branch which you thought you’d lost in the chaos of the party and you almost laugh.

“You know, I’m gonna pretend this isn’t too creepy and thank you for giving it back.”

“I was trying to give it back to you but you never wanted to have a single conversation with me so,” You roll your eyes before picking up the earring and hooking it back through your ear even though you didn’t have the other one on.

“Right, I get it, I suck.”

That causes him to laugh as he settles back down again next to you and he doesn’t look at you before saying,

“No, you’re not as annoying as I originally thought.”

You echo a ‘hey’ and lightly punch him and the silence envelopes you both – softly, and there’s a moment of peace you think you’ve both settled in and it feels nice.

le fin

(pt.2 will come)

[supermoviemaniac]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MOVIE SPOILERS...

Don't worry, there's no spoilers in this post - just a rant about people's insatiable need to spoil things.

If you're reading this, it's probably because you're a fellow movie enthusiast. Entertainment by any means has the ability to bring people together. We can anticipate and experience things, then discuss and share said experiences. Sometimes we have to wait an agonizing amount of time - often seemingly forever... but when it finally arrives, we're happy we waited, and most often than not, it's usually worth waiting for too.

As a kid, spoilers were never really a risk I encountered, partly due to the internet being not as, let's just say, socially collosal and expansive as it is today. I was able to enjoy movies, games, TV shows and comics from start to finish and get surprised along the way. The duration between a piece of media being announced/confirmed, and the time it took for it to release and be ingested was never a spoiler minefield, partly because such a minefield didn't exist.

Flashforward to present day, and we all have the same social media apps installed. We use these apps to discover content and stay updated with friends and family, though for some reason, in the last few years, all I seem to encounter on a daily basis are just spoilers for things I care about. The argument could be made that the algorithms are attempting to tailor content to me for convenience. I'm not denying that this is a beneficial system in theory, but when I'm forced to see spoilers against my will purley due to it relating to something I'm interested in, it gets a little annoying.

Another argument could be made that I don't have to use these apps, which is certainly true, but I shouldn't have to deprive myself of near-infinite entertainment that I do care about, just because a portion of people/organisations make it their mission to recklessly splurge out exclusive content for the sake of views.

These spoilers range from rakishly explicit images, to implicit news headlines trying their hardest to be allusive, though fail to realise most people aren't stupid and will probably know what a cryptic headline is implying, without needing to read the actual article. I've seen screenshots from upcoming movies that I would've rather not seen, I've seen people posting pictures of merch and figurines for things before we've even seen a trailer. Yes, merch/toys aren't always accurate, but they still give you a good idea of what's in store.

I miss being able to just sit and wait for a trailer, enjoy the hell out of it, wait in anticipation for the movie to release, and then just be able to f**king enjoy it when it's out! Now, everyday just feels like I have to dodge spoilers no matter what I'm doing. If I get a whiff of a spoiler, I have to double down on my vigilance to ensure it remains unspoilt. I have to make sure that remains the case right up until release day, and then let out a sigh of relief when I finally rest my cheeks on the cinema seat. If you're excited about something, why the hell has it become an obstacle course to make sure that remains the case?

I understand that some people are okay with spoilers, and I understand that some outlets try to share spoilers with some sort of security attached, for people that don't want to inadvertently see things, which I definitely appreciate... but to some degree, you have to acknowledge that there is nothing stopping a fellow reader taking that spoilery information and passing it along without the same degree of care.

Posting spoilers is easy content. It comes with an element of exclusively that is bound to pull in a larger audience, but I dislike this severely. If you have encountered a spoiler deliberately or accidentally, it is your responsibility to make sure others aren't forced to learn about them. If everyone else around you is posting spoilers for views, don't worry, it doesn't suddenly make you uncool for not taking part. If anything, I find it admirable if you're making the conscious effort not to participate in sharing spoilers.

At the end of the day, seeing spoilers isn't life or death, and in the grand scheme of things, this issue seems petty, but when you're passionate about something, you want to be able to enjoy it properly. If you bought a new book, you'd be annoyed if the person next to you skips to the last page and bellows out the ending. If you're queuing up to watch the final of a football tournament, you'd be annoyed if a time traveller teleported in front of you and spoiled the outcome. The irony of these over the top examples is that we're actually encountering this for movies/shows, however they're in the form of mundane social media posts.

This issue is just getting worse by the day, and I imagine every new movie that's set to release will just breed more and more spoiler content. I think there needs to be greater consequences for the initial leakers, and more of a deterrent for the people/outlets that are itching to share them. I'm not a tech whiz of any kind, but why can't we have something similar to an AdBlocker which censors potential spoilers? Silly, I know - ideally though, it would be nice to not have to suggest desperate ideas to avoid things I don't want to see. These are first world problems for sure, and I'm not denying that in the slightest, but it still sucks. It shouldn't have to be like this. Why is there such a need to declare you know something before other people? I honestly don't remember the last piece of content I experienced that hadn't had an aspect of it spoilt. I watch the trailers, featurettes and interviews as it's the quantity the content makers want me to see prior to the movie. I look at the poster because they want me to visualise what's in store. It should stop there. This is what we should discuss, speculate on and get hyped about and nothing more.

What are everyone else's opinions?

[theolympusfiles]

rereading the PJO and HoO - part one: the lightning thief

before i start, all italicized parts are from the lightning thief by rick riordan. they're not my words and these are not my characters. my thoughts are the only thing that are mine :)

• "mom, you're coming too." her face was pale, her eyes as sad as when she looked at the ocean. "no!" i shouted, you are coming with me. help me carry grover". - the first(ish) appearance of percy's fatal flaw! i love the early establisment, especially because it helps foreshadow to the sea of monsters when fatal flaws are formally introduced.

• "that's -" "pasiphae's son," my mother said. "i wish i'd known how badly they wanted to kill you." - sally is underappreciated. she's smart as hell and clearly took the time to research demigods. yes, she was a little bit selfish with keeping percy out of the loop and not sending him to camp. but can you blame her? she lost all of her family and if she sent percy to CHB at an early age, that most nearly means she won't see him often (he'll attract monsters because he's aware of his status as a demigod and will most likely be at camp full-time). but sally ensured that she knew enough about the demigod world to protect percy because she knew that her selfishness would come with consequences. best mom.

• i was crying, calling for my mother, but i held on to grover - i wasn't going to let him go. - percy's first loss as a demigod and i am broken. honestly, so sad to think of, especially knowing all the losses he'll face in the future books. this line is also his fatal flaw showing once again (refer to first bulletpoint)

• "it (america) is the great power of the west. and so olympus is here. and we are here." - if olympus follows the west, where would the next location be? obviously, america is still a big powerhouse in terms of western civilization but that's not going to last. my bet is south korea but who knows? would love a fanfic on this tbh

• "the truth is, i can't be dead. you see, eons ago the gods granted my wish. i could continue the work i loved. i could be a teacher of heroes as long as humanity needed me. i gained so much from that wish... and i gave up so much. but i'm still here, so i can only assume i'm still needed." - how will it be decided that he's not needed? honestly, can't imagine CHB without him but chiron also deserves retirement

• i started to understand luke's bitterness and how he seemed to resent his father, hermes so okay, maybe gods had important things to do. but couldn't they call once in a while, or thunder or something? - percy has always showed some hesitance when accepting the demigod world, so i wasn't really surprised to see doubts like this pop up, especially with luke's influence. i'd think most demigods feel this way, luke and percy are just the ones who exhibit it the most in the series. i'm really interested in the parallels between the two and i'm looking forward to reading more and examining them

• "during the winter solstice, at the last council of the gods, zeus and poseidon had an argument. the usual nonsense: 'mother rhea always liked you best', 'air disasters are more spectacular than sea disasters', etc. - despite the fact that the gods are all-powerful beings, i appreciate the petty sibling spats that are mentioned briefly

• "so let me get this straight," i said. "i'm supposed to go to the underworld and confront the world of the dead." "check," chiron said. "find the most powerful weapon in the universe." "check." "and get it back to olympus before the summer solstice in ten days." "that's about right." i looked at grover, who gulped down the ace of heaers. "did i mention that maine is very nice this time of year?" he asked weakly. - this would be perfect for those 30 second trailers

• "gee," i said feigning surprise. "who else would be stupid enough to volunteer for a q uest like this?" the air shimmered behind chiron. annabeth became visible, stuffing her yankees cap into her back pocket. - the way he knows her pretty well already, i-

• the truth was, i didn't care about retrieving zeus' lightning bolt, or saving the world, or even helping my father out of trouble. - early on, we see from the get go that percy has a dislike for the gods. it's small mentions like this that really gets me thinking. he never really showed any dislike of the gods when he first arrived at camp (understandable) but he was hopeful for his father. it wasn't until luke planted the seed into his head that these thoughts came to light. i love this little detail, especially as we know that towards the end, luke does seem to think he can turn percy against the gods. his plan backfired a little bit on him in the end but like i said before, the parallels between luke and percy are so glaring. riordan definitely thought it out extensively

• do not be a pawn of the olympians, my dear. you would be better off as a statue - this is said to percy by medusa and again, feeds into his dislike of the gods. i wonder if monsters have some opinion on this. most would probably hate the gods but i wonder what their stance is on demigods. we know that they work with them (see kronos' army). the real enemy for monsters are the gods, the demigods killing them are just pawns to the gods so maybe that's how some monsters see them

• "so, what's your status?" luke asked me. "chiron will be sorry he missed you." i told him pretty much everything, including my dreams. it felt so good to see him, to feel like i was back at camp even for a few minutes, that i didn't even realize how long i had talked to him until the beeper went off on the spray machine. - there's no doubt that percy really considered luke a friend. he wasn't hesitant to tell luke about his dreams, something that he didn't share with annabeth or grover until later on the book. luke was a sort of mentor to percy and it was conveyed pretty well through their interactions, which makes his betrayal even more heartbreaking

• "you think you'll ever try living with your dad again?" she wouldn't meet my eyes. "please. i'm not into self-inflicted pain." - my heart breaks for annabeth and her relationship with her father. i've read most of the riordanverse books and the growth in annabeth's relationship with her family is definitely something i'm looking forward to watch grow as i make my way through the books again

• i looked over at the desk and saw a girl sitting there, also wearing a straitjacket - so i never paid the dreams any mind but now that i think about it, they're really good for analysis. for example, the straitjacket could mean something like the gods are keeping them restrained. maybe i'm overthinking it or have been analyzing text too much in AP english but i think that the dreams are worth some deeper thinking

• i pretended not to see annabeth wipe a tear from her cheek as she listened to the mournful keening of cerberus in the distance, longing for his new friend - i need to see annabeth play with cerberus again D:

• i turned and faced my mother. i desperately wanted to sacrifice myself and the last pearl on her, but i knew what she would say. she would never allow it. i had to get the bolt back to olympus and tell zeus the truth. i had to stop the war. - percy's growth as a character really shines through here. the lightning thief is a pretty short book and the journey they took was less than 2 weeks but despite that percy's grown immensely as a character. his goal was always to save his mother but in the end, he sacrificed her because he knew it was his duty to save olympus and i respect that

• "you have made an enemy, godling," he told me. "you have sealed your fate. every time you raise your blade in battle, everytime you hope for success, you will feel my curse. beware, perseus jackson. beware." - ares cursed percy to be unsuccesful in battle but does his curse ever take effect? i don't recall any mention of this curse later on the series. obviously, percy is the main character and a really good swordfighter but the curse might have affected some battles right? but then again riordan has a lot of plotholes so i wouldn't put too much thought in it

• i knew dionysus must've filled it out, because he stubbornly insisted on getting my name wrong. - i've always accepted the fact that dionysus called the demigods by their wrong name for humor. but what if it's deeper? what if it's a way to put some space between him and the demigods, just as an extra precaution so he won't get attached. or it could be a ploy to showcase that he's more powerful than them and that they are beneath him, which is why he doesn't need to know their name. i like the former headcanon more though :P

• i opened my eyes. i was propped up in bed in the sickroom of the big house, my right hand bandaged like a club. argus stood guard in the corner. annabeth sat next to me, holding my nectar glass and dabbing a washcloth on my forehead. "here we are again," i said. - the parallel

well, that's everything i had notes on. overall, i liked rereading it. i really do miss this series and i'm finding my love for it be rekindled by rereading. i miss the humor of the early books (i could literally make a whole post of underrated lines). the last time i read the series in its whole was when i was 7 and now that i'm 16, i have more thoughts and can analyze the story better. also loved seeing baby percabeth as they're my OTP. i'm excited to continue with the series. to the sea of monsters!

[crossdressingdeath]

I know there's a lot of talk abt weather or not the Lans and the Nies knew abt the Wen remnants being civilian.... but tbh, i don't think it matters?

We're talking aht the ppl who saw WRH get to power and stalled till the last possible moment. Abt the ones who saw injustice happen and looked away. It's pretty obvious everyone knows JGS sleeps around, yet i doubt any of the righteous sects would confront him abt it unless he assaulted a woman from their clan/ fam ( IF they did and didn't just silence/ punish her bcs patriarchy)

Not to mention how everyone treated wwx for not being of noble blood. I really don't think the ppl calling him the Son of a servant who aims too high for his station, or LQR who abused his power over him bvs CSSR scolded him when they were teens will do much to stand up for a group of non cultivators who bear the Wen Name.

There's also the thing that killing one's whole fam was a thing ppl did back then. It was seen as righteous to incur revenge over someone who killed a parent by killing their bloodline.

So the question of weather or not they knew is inconsequential, since i seriously doubt they CARED

Okay one, because I must defend the tsundere uncle: LQR did not actually abuse his power over WWX. He was petty and directed a great many questions towards WWX that he could have directed towards someone else, he was a bit of an ass, but that is not abusing his power. What you're forgetting is that WWX was a menace. Breaking the rules was his favourite pastime, and LQR was in charge of discipline. He hated WWX because of CSSR, and that wasn't fair, but WWX never got a punishment in the Cloud Recesses that he hadn't earned. He knew the rules, he broke them, and he kept breaking them knowing what the consequences would be. And... these are LQR's classes. People forget this, but when JFM asked if WWX could accompany JC LQR could've just said no. There is a difference between bias and abuse of power, you know!

Anyway. They absolutely would've cared, are you kidding? We know they would've cared, because if they wouldn't have cared there was zero reason to lie to them and increase the odds of pissing them off if they ever found out the truth. It would've been a lot easier to tell them "Yeah, they're civilians but they're Wens so they deserve to die"! A lot less work, not having to cover that up! The Lans never really treat WWX differently from higher class people as far as I recall, but even if they did there is a big difference between being a bit of a classist dick, taking a "wait and see" approach to a clearly inevitable conflict as long as it didn't impact them too much, and being okay with the slaughter of a civilian population! I'm not denying that the Lans and Nies have some issues with classism, but we're talking about two very different things here! I'm sorry, I find it extremely difficult to accept that the sect that took the last Wen in and protected him for over a decade would've bothered to do that if they thought wiping out the Wens down to the youngest child was righteous enough that they would've willingly supported it! Hell, LXC actively tries to defend the Wens; he stops because... he doesn't have proof they're innocent (because JGS and JC are lying liars who lie). And his argument was that they could easily be innocent. Not exactly the debate tactic of someone who wouldn't care either way, don't you think?

Also... they don't confront JGS. Why the hell would they? As far as I'm aware no one actually knows he's a rapist, just that he sleeps around, and while that's scummy behaviour it's not a crime. He's the ruler of another sect! They didn't have any right to interfere in his personal affairs that had nothing to do with their sects! No one approves of his behaviour, but that's like saying the leader of one country should go give the leader of another country a stern telling-off and refuse to play nice with them because they're having an affair; no one is going to do that because it would be a political nightmare! Someone sleeping around is not going to impact diplomatic relations with other countries (or sects in this case), because the two things are entirely separate! If JGS went after a high-ranking member of one of the great sects that would be the only situation where they could go after him for it, because then it would affect them and they'd have the right to involve themselves! But so long as JGS wasn't sticking his dick in any members of the great sects they could not censure the Chief Cultivator for sleeping around.

Basically... I don't think for a moment that the Nies and Lans wouldn't have cared if they'd known the truth. And I feel like I should come back to this, because it's important: the main reason I think that is that hiding the truth from them, JGS and JC going out of their way to lie and claim that the Wen remnants were WWX's army and a threat, is a move that only makes sense if they know the other sects will stop them otherwise. If no one will care there's no reason to keep the Wens' identities secret. If people will think of it as a righteous act there's a very good reason not to keep it secret. If the Lans and Nies wouldn't care or would agree that the Wens deserved to die either way, all hiding the fact that the Wens are civilians achieves is creating the chance that the Lans and Nies will learn the truth, be royally pissed off about being lied to, and quite possibly never trust the Jins and Jiangs again because they've proved they will hide the truth to get what they want. And while honestly JC might be stupid enough to do that anyway, JGS isn't.