#the autism does get really bad sometimes. and i’m sure this is far from the actual meaning - IF there’s a meaning

[danishphoner]

i was listening to the car (the song) since the early morning yesterday and if i didn't vomit this my brain cells would implode. the autism does get out of hand sometimes.

personal lyrics theories series (1/?): the car - arctic monkeys

[house-of-slayterr]

The Gangs All Here:

Tag: @oceansrose2002 @vincent-sinclair-deserved-better @myers-meadow-selfship @queer-and-utter-chaos

Blinky’s POV:

I sadly bid goodbye to Tommy, but promised I’d come visit soon. His mother made it clear I was welcome anytime, despite her original hostility. And I told Monty I’d attempt to fix the wall next time and bring my good supplies. I had pretty much zoned out the whole day, my autism being particularly annoying today. Every little thing was making my skin crawl and my head pound. But I was trying my best to remain calm and in control.

Macy pulled up to our usual spot and parked.

“Wanna get some lunch before we head back to your place?”

I nodded. She frowned, lifting my chin with her finger.

“You feeling ok pretty girl?”

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I walk through that door Macy. I ran away, yes I told them I was going but still, I was a coward, I left.”

“I’m sure they won’t hold that against ya puddin’ how could anyone stay mad at you?”

She missed my nose and I giggled.

“Want me to go in with you?”

My eyes widened as I looked at her.

“It’s not like I don’t know.”

“I know that you know. But they don’t- know… you know, you know?”

“You’re cute when you don’t think before you speak.” She jeered.

I rolled my eyes.

“I just, I don’t want them to freak out. What if someone tries to hurt you? That would kill me inside.”

“You’re worried about me getting hurt? May I remind you I beat Thomas in our little wrestling contest last night?”

“Yeah you did” I smiled dreamily.

“There’s that smile I love so much! Come on let’s get you some proper food, I’m buying.”

Macy was too tall to put her arm on my shoulder, so she just put it on my head and I playfully glared up at her. I don’t know how she does it. Macy isn’t the happiest of people, at least not on the outside. Most people would probably find her scary or intimidating. Yet she always managed to make me smile, from that first day we met all those months ago.

Miss G greeted Macy and I Happily. As we sat in our spot she set down our coffees, leaving the pot at the table.

“You know you two are my favourite right?” She said.

Macy smiled at her. “Your boss makes the only edible food in this town” Macy joked, “it’s good to see you again.”

“You two deary, you know what you want to order yet? I know this one wants a pastry.” She laughed.

“Yes please!”

“Give us a moment to think, take your time with the other customers.”

Miss G gave us a kind smile and left us to look at the menus.

“Ugh, why can’t that woman be my mother.” Macy quipped.

“I know right. But Luda ain’t all that bad. She’ll get better.” I said, placing my hand in hers.

“I’ve never seen her yell at Hoyt like that before Blinky, I think you starred a wildfire.” She laughed.

“Good, your family needed to get in gear. I swear y’all didn’t say two words to each other that weren’t about me. Do you guys even talk?” I asked.

“Just me and Tommy. Nobody wants to hear what Hoyt or Monty have to say. And Ma, she has her kind moments but we mostly just stick to ourselves. I don’t mind it that much, means I don’t have anyone up my ass when I disappear from time to time.”

“And where would you be right now, if you weren’t with me?” I asked, curious.

“The Glenwood Cemetery in Huston. The place is huge! Everytime I go I read a few new graves and I like to think about the lives they may have had. Oldest grave I’ve found so far was 1871.”

I smiled fondly. Macy had strange interests but I always let her talk about them. I loved hearing her voice when she was happy. It had this little hum, when her tongue moves to fast and hit the top of her mouth. It sounded like little bees in my ears. She had the slightest lisp that she tried really hard to hide, but I thought it added to her charm.

My voice whistled too, ever since I lost that tooth. Sometimes my tongue would poke out from behind it and make a weird little sound. We looked over the menu, I knew it was really important to her that I ate something “healthy” so I put a pause on the could so I could focus. But that didn’t last long when I caught her staring.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Nothing,”

I squinted my eyes at her.

“Did you know you stick your tongue out when your focused?” She asked smugly.

“Pftt, I dont-“ I looked down, “oh. What’s that doing there?” I said.

She laughed airily, loud enough that some of the other patrons looked out way. But Macy was not one to be shy. Sure, she was stand offish, but that was because she didn’t like people. But she was never shy.

“I don’t know how you do it Blink, but I swear you get cuter each day.”

I blushed heavily.

“Hush, I’m trying to focus.”

She held her hands up in mock surrender. Seemingly she already knew what she was going to order.

“What about this? That’s got protein right?”

I pointed to it on her menu.

“A Falafel burger, sure, tons. You sure you’re up for trying it?”

“Mmm, it’s been a good day. I think I can handle a new food.”

“You two ready?”

“Umm yes, can we have one Falafel burger, fries on a different plate please. And I’ll take two of your lunch burritos and a salad for us to split.”

“You kids are hungry today, coming right up. Oh, Blinky the pastry of the day is apple fritters.” She addressed me.

“Apples!” I said, my eyes glowing.

She leaned in to whisper.

“I’ll put a few aside for you in a take out box.”

“You’re the best!” I smiled.

“Anything else to drink? Or just coffee today?”

I turned to Macy, “milkshake?” She grinned wide, “a strawberry milkshake with two straws please.”

“Coming right up. I’ll put extra whipped cream and a Cherry for each of you.”

“You’re a god send.” Macy complimented.

The woman blushed and hurried off to the kitchen.

“You’re only getting a milkshake cause you’ve been so good today. I’m proud of you for how you handled my family. They’re enough to drive anyone crazy”

I pouted.

“I’m always good.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Sure you are Blink, you’re like a little hurricane that sneaks up on people.”

I frowned.

“Oh come on Blink. You know you can’t have all this sugar all the time. You said you were studying medicine, you should know this.”

“Yeah yeah, so it could thicken my heart muscles. Fine, I’ll cut back on my sugar.”

“Wait really, that’s what happens?”

“Mmm, it increases your insulin and it has nowhere else to go.” I shrugged.

“And you still eat the way that you do? Doesn’t that scare you?”

“Not before you, no. And I didn’t have much of a choice. America is stupid, the things that are the worst for you are the cheapest and most readily available. I could buy a watermelon for $3.50 or I could get two boxes of cereal that will feed me for a week.”

“You mean for breakfast right?”

“Breakfast, lunch, dinner… it doesn’t matter, I used to ration one meal a day so I’m not really used to this whole, normal diet thing.”

Macy cringed.

“God Blinky, no wonder you’re so tiny. Your body never had anything to help it grow. The foods not going anywhere ok? You can eat as much as you want.”

“I know that, it’s just hard I guess. Old habits right?”

“Yeah.”

“So, tell me more about this cemetery.” I tried to pivot the conversation on me.

I knew she wouldn’t judge, but I didn’t like conversations focused on my flaws. It made me uneasy.

“Oh my god, you would love it there. It’s so quiet and the grounds keeper is really nice. There’s actually this crypt there a family and build in the early 1900s. They’re son had been missing for years and they thought he was dead, then he just showed up out of nowhere with no memories. Since he was alive, it never got used. He lets me go in there and write sometimes.”

“Wow, that does sound nice. Maybe I could read some of you writing sometime.”

“You gonna show me that drawing you did of me?”

“Eventually…”

“Then you have your answer.”

I rolled my eyes. Touché. The food came and Macy looked likes she had never seen food in her entire life. It was always funny to me how she could eat like there wasn’t enough food in the world. Miss G set the milkshake in the middle of the table.

“You two let me know if you need anything else.”

“Of course, thank you!” I said politely.

I stared at my food for a second, dissecting it with my eyes. Macy has already taken a bit out of one of her burritos. But she waited until her mouth wasn’t full to speak again. She slid some silverware across the table to me.

“Take off the top bun, it will be easier to cut.” She said.

I took the silverware and followed her instructions. I cut it into 6 neat pieces. And separated them on my plate.

“Ketchup?” I asked.

“Try a bite first.” She answered.

I nodded, slowly bringing the food to my mouth. The texture wasn’t what I was expecting, but it wasn’t bad. The flavour was nice, and I smiled into the bite. She looked at me expectantly and I gave her a thumbs up.

“Ketchup.” I concluded.

She let out a little snort from her nose, which made me scrunch mine in return. It was a adorable. I ate about half of it before I reached for the milkshake. It was much better. It was sweet, and cold and it felt nice on my tongue. Macy had mostly been drinking her coffee, and I had a sneaking suspicion she was trying to save most of it for me.

“You can have some you know, we did order to share.”

“You first.” She said.

“You know full well I’ll drink this whole thing by myself if you don’t stop me.” I teased.

“Ok, sassy. Fine I’ll have some.”

She moved the cup between us and sipped from her straw. It was like one of those classic scenes from those 50s movies. To top it off, she scooped up some whipped cream in her finger and put it on my nose. I pulled back, alarmed.

“You did not just-“

“I did, what are you gonna do about it?”

I took a French fry and threw it at her head, but she caught it in her mouth. I glared at her and she just laughed.

“Face it Blinky, you’re even sweeter than this milkshake.” She said.

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“I know.”

I moved my plate out of the way, and stabbed my fork into the salad. We got it with no dressing cause I hate dressing. It made the veggies also soggy. Gross. The crispy cucumbers were my favourite part. I was surprised to see Macy was already onto her second burrito. I think it had eggs and meat and cheese, I looked at it in disgust. I didn’t mean to show it on my face, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. Macy rolled her eyes.

“You enjoying the salad.”

“Very fresh.” I said.

She took a break from her monstrosity of a lunch to eat some of the salad with me. I had no idea how she wasn’t full already. I sipped my coffee, the contrast between it and the Milkshake were a little jarring. But it wasn’t bad. The caffeine would help. I’d been sober for almost a week now, and I wasn’t feeling the best. But Macy didn’t need to know about that. I recently learned her middle name was Josephine cause Tommy’s sign name for her was MJ.

He made mine “cute” but signed with a B for my name. How could I argue against it when he himself looked cute signing it. I didn’t want to break his heart, so I gladly excepted the name. It was easier than spelling out Blinky. Tiny’s name already had a sign, so he didn’t need a special one. Miss G came back and she down one pasty for each of us, while sliding the take out box into my backpack with a wink. I smiled at her as she was called away to help someone else.

“Hey M?”

“Yes?” She asked.

“What if I- no it’s stupid.”

“Nothing you can say is stupid Blinky. I say the same thing to Tommy all the time. You both need to be a little more confident.” She said.

“What if I worked here?” I asked.

“Here? It’s not that far from your house I don’t think. Not that I’ve been there yet.” She put emphasis on the last part, “it’s a bit of a walk though isn’t it?” She pointed out.

I hummed.

“But you’d look cute in the uniform.” She smirked.

Of course that’s what she would focus on. The only think more ferocious then her appetite, was her sex drive. And I had unknowingly unleashed that can of worms. Oops.

“I’d have to ask of course. But like, beats working at the gas station. And it’s small enough that even full it wouldn’t be too loud, not that it ever gets too full.”

“Can you handle a job?” She cringed, “I’m sorry that came out wrong.”

“No, no it’s fine. I’ve had plenty before. I think my family will be more lenient on chores if I’m bringing in more money. Plus there’s tips. Only tip we get at the gas station is a middle finger.” I laughed.

“Then go for it. I could come visit you at work.” She smiled.

“And you wouldn’t have to worry so much about me when you’re back home. Now we know they have something healthy I can eat.”

“That is very true.”

When we finished our meal I only had two pieces of my burger left, but I didn’t think it would heat up well. I looked at Macy.

“It’s ok little bug, you did good. I’m proud of you.”

I smiled, glad I was able to please her. I was surprised when she put a whole $20 on the table for tip. I raised a brow at her.

“Made some extra fixing up an old bike and a few days before you called. I’ve got some cash to spend, and she deserves it.”

“Don’t leave it on the table, sticky fingers around here.” I suggested.

We walked up to the counter and slid the money to Miss G.

“Aww thank you cuties, you didn’t half to.”

“Please for all you do for us, I did have a question though.”

“Shoot kid!”

“Are you guys hiring? I’d have to ask my dad but-“

“I would love to have you working here, you’d bring some smiles to this place. Let me go get the paperwork and you can think on it.”

“Thank you.”

We waited by the counter for a second, but that’s when a three boys walked in. Roughly around our age, maybe a little older than me. But they were the rowdy type, that much was evident from the laughter disturbing the peace. I tensed slightly but Macy rubbed her hand up my arm.

The came beside us to sit at the counter, and started hollering for some service. I rolled my eyes.

“Ain’t anybody working here or is it self service?” On of them called.

I grit my teeth, if I was gonna work here I’d have to deal with idiots like this. But they were no worse than the gas station idiots. But when she came back out to hand me my papers and one of the boys said something under his breath, o was beyond irritated. She didn’t deserve that.

“When you’re done serving that fine piece of ass over there, could you help a brother out?” One of the older looking boys said.

I saw his eyes on Macy and I was shaking. She wasn’t very pleased about it either. I said my thank you to Miss G and gave her a look of pity as she walked over to them. What I wasn’t expecting was for one of them to come over while his friends were order.

“You from around here sweetheart?” He asked Macy.

She rolled her eyes turning around.

“No, but my girlfriend is” she put emphasis on the girlfriend part.

I smiled smuggly.

“Why looking for something to do, afraid there’s not much. Why dont you and you’re friend check out Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Madmen, if you’re up for a good scare.”

Macy gave me a look, recognising all the months ago when I told her to stay far away. She grinned.

“Yeah, if you’re man enough.” Macy teased him.

“Oh I’m man enough, we’ll check it out for sure. You two hotties gonna be there”

“You bet!” I sent a fake wink. “See you around handsome.”

Macy and I burst out laughing when we got outside.

“So do I finally get to see your Gruncle’s cabinet of curiosities?”

“We wouldn’t miss that for the world.” I grinned.

They deserved it for being rude or Miss G, and Ogling my girls ass.

“You ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be I guess. Don’t take it to personally if they don’t like you at first. Otis hates everyone.”

She chuckled, “sounds a lot like Hoyt”

I froze, turning to look at her.

“He is nothing like that man.” I said coldly, I hadn’t meant to.

And I know she didn’t mean to insult him. But Otis was nothing like that Vile man Macy shared blood ties with.

“Sorry, that was meant to be a joke. Won’t happen again.”

“No, I’m- I’m sorry Macy I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I’m just a little on edge right now.”

“Blinky you don’t have to apologise for having emotions. You love your dad, and I love that you do.”

I smiled at her, getting onto her bike as usual as we rode back to the house. As we pulled up, I’m sure it was loud enough in the house no one had heard us. I grabbed Macy’s hand and lead her to the garden.

“Where are we going?”

“I gotta check on something first.” I said.

I dragged her around the side of the house, and sure enough there was some fresh dirt. We both stopped and looked down at it.

“Is that?”

“My mother, yeah. Rest in pieces I guess.”

Macy snorted and flipped off the pile of dirt. I couldn’t help but laugh along with her.

“Good, good to know that part of my life is over. I never want to think about her again if I can help it.”

I knelt down and started picking some of the lilies I’d planted a while ago.

“What are you doing Blink?” Macy asked curiously.

I held the flowers up to her.

“Gives these to Mama, than at the very least she’ll like you. If Mama likes you, no one is gonna dare disobey her. Not unless they got hit over the head a few to many times, so maybe don’t talk to RJ.” I joked, “that was a joke btw.”

“You’re cute.”

“So you keep saying.”

“It’s true though. And I’ll keep saying it because it makes you blush every time.”

“You’re evil, you know that woman? Total scum bag.” I said.

“Mmm, and do evil women get a kiss from their partner?” She mused.

“I don’t know, are you gonna be nice when we go inside?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Then I’ll think about it.”

She rolled her eyes, setting the flowers down on the ledge near the house and picked me up, spinning me around. I couldn’t help but giggle, and when she finally stopped she pulled me in to a kiss. I melted into it, feeling all the stress leave my body.

“I’ll behave” she whispered, leaning down so her forehead was on mine.

“And I’ll protect you if anyone tries anything.”

“Aww, my little guard dog.”

I glared up at her.

“Come on, let’s get inside. I’m sure they’re worried about you. I would be too if you suddenly disappeared for 5 days.”

I cringed. Yeah not my best move. But I was glad none the less that Otis let me leave. It was nice to be away from the house for a while. I didn’t need to knock cause I had the house key. I pushed the door open and was immediately greeted by the chaotic sounds of my family. Baby was blasting music in the living room, I could hear Mama and Spaulding chatting in the kitchen, and I have no idea what the hell the others were doing at the back of the house but I could hear it from here.

I grabbed Macy’s hand and dragged her into the kitchen. Spaulding was the first to look up. One thing about him, he never forgot a face.

“Don’t I know you?” He addressed Macy.

“We met a whole back, at that farmers market. Blinky here sold me some of your chicken. Which was really good by the way.”

Smart move, Spaulding loved compliments. Especially about his cooking. He, Mama and Otis cooked the most in the house. Manon specialised more in dinner, and Selena sometimes helped with the prep work.

“These are for you Mrs. Firefly.” Macy held out the flowers and Mama gladly took them.

“Oh how sweet, we’re glad to have you Back Blinky. Why don’t you introduce us to your friend here?”

Mama was always hospitable. Which is why I went to her first.

“Mama, Cap, this is actually my girlfriend. Macy. I stayed with her while I was away.”

“Girlfriend?” Spaulding asked amused.

“Mhhhm, she knows about us.” I clarified so they wouldn’t have to lecturing about keeping someone around being dangerous. “She would never tell anyone.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes sir. My family participated in a similar… hobby.” She explained.

Sure saying you’re a killer is one thing, but I don’t blame her for not wanting to tell them right away.

“When did this happen?” Mama asked, ushering us both to sit.

“Since the Framers Market.”

“All that time and you kept ‘er a secret? Not sure how Otis is gonna feel about this.” Spaulding worried.

“That’s why I came to you both first.”

“You staying for dinner sweetheart?”

“If you’ll have me.”

“Of course Sugar, why don’t you go introduce her to the others. Make yourself at home little miss Macy.”

“Thank you Mrs. Firefly.”

“Please call me Mama.”

I gave Mama a quick hug, and kissed Spaulding on the top of his head.

“Can we talk later?” I asked.

“Sure kid, you know where to find me.”

Macy followed me into the living room where I turned down Baby’s music. Not off, just down a little. My head felt like it was buzzing from all the electric guitars. Baby turned to look at me, but her eyes quickly met Macy’s.

“Who’d ya bring for us Blink?” She asked.

I chuckled.

“She’s not for that, Baby, this is my girlfriend, Macy. Macy this is my- aunt? I don’t know we never really defined that.” I laughed awkwardly.

“Aunt, sister, all the same to me. Love this kid no matter what.” She said, holding her hand out to shake Macy’s.

“Can’t say I blame ya, they’re easy to love aren’t they?”

Baby smiled wildly, already approving of the new company.

“We miss ya Blink, it was no fun without ya.” Baby said, wrapping me in a tight hug.

“I’m sure you managed just fine, looks like you were having plenty fun before I interrupted.”

“Mhhhm, RJ got me a new CD!”

“What is he Santa Claus now? Why the sudden interest in gifts?” She shrugged. “You know where the others are?”

“Umm, Ghostie and RJ are watching a movie in his room. And Doe Eyes and Otis-“

“Doe Eyes and Otis what?” I asked suspiciously.

“They’re busy. I’ll let him know you’re home and he’ll come find you later yeah?”

“Alright…”

I squinted my eyes suspiciously.

“She staying for dinenr?”

“Your Ma said I could, that cool with you?”

“Totally cool! You’ll have to tell me where you got the jacket Macy!”

Before they could chat more I was dragging her upstairs to my room, and Baby was blasting her music again. I didn’t want to bother RJ, and there was something suspicious about Baby not telling me what my dad was up to. But we’d see everyone down at dinner so there was no rush. I closed the door and threw myself face down onto the bed, groaning into my pillow.

“I’d say it’s going pretty well Bumble Bee, you had nothing to worry about.”

“It’s not those three I’m worried about?” I said, looking up at her.

“I live with Hoyt, I can handle anything they throw at me. Promise.”

“Pinky?” I asked.

She held out her pinky and locked it with mine, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“You feeling ok Darlin’ you’re getting a little shaky there.”

“Yeah yeah, I’m cool… cool cool.”

“That sounds like something someone who is not cool would say.”

I sighed, crawling across my bed to lay my head on her lap.

“Why did she have to come here?” I asked.

Macy looked down at me, playing with one of my bouncy curls.

“I don’t know Blink.” She said sadly.

“It’s like everything was going good, great even. I was happy. So fucking happy!” I said.

“Did you just say fuck?” She raised a brow at me amused.

“Oh, right!” I said popping up and shoving a few bills in my sweat jar, “gotta pay up for what I said to Hoyt too. Even if he did deserve it.”

Macy chuckled.

“You say that like someone’s making you have the swear jar Blinky. Swearing ain’t that bad, I do it all the fucking time.” She smiled.

“Yeah yeah. I know there’s ways you can do it that aren’t mean, I just, I don’t like they way it sounds coming out of my mouth. Besides, a few more slip ups and I can get you something nice.” I smiled.

“You swearing on purpose to get something pretty for your girlfriend?” She asked.

“I’m just being lazy on purpose, the swearing is still an accident.” I laughed.

“I’m sorry your mom tried to ruin this for you, that wasn’t very nice of her.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

I sat back down on the bed next to her.

“Hey Macy?”

“Yes Blinky?”

I know she sometimes got amused when I said her name, even though we were already in the middle of the conversation. But I couldn’t help it. I liked the way her name felt on my tongue. Short and sweet, the exact opposite of her.

“Do you smoke? Like, smoke smoke?” I asked.

She seemed a little taken aback, but smiled anyway.

“I have before yes… why?”

“Do you want to?” I asked.

Now she was grinning from ear to ear.

“Why you got some?” I nodded.

“Honestly don’t think I can go back down there without it. Everything’s too much right now.”

She ran her hand along my arms again.

“Oh, and we should tell Spaulding that he’ll have some special guest at his showing after dinner tonight. Sure if you ask nicely he’ll let you help.” I said.

“You just wanna see me in action.” She mused.

“I will neither confirm or deny” I said, as I reached over in my drawer where some of my pre rolled joints were.

I made some mini ones, just to tell calm my mind on a regular basis. I didn’t want to be high everyday, but my sensory issues were not getting easier and it was the only thing that seemed to help. But I found a regular sized one jammed in the back. I grabbed a lighter from my nightstand and crawled back over to wear Macy sat. She laid down on her back, and I put my head on her stomach, laying perpendicular to her.

“Your family lets you smoke?”

“They know I do sometimes. Baby smokes too. Doe Eyes and Otis have regular cigs if you want one. I could snag a few for you.”

“My little thief” she ruffled my hair.

I was going to need to be actually stoned to survive family dinner. My nerves where getting the better of me. I mean I knew she was dead, we saw the evidence. So why did I still feel so heavy? So lost? Why the hell was I so scared? I didn’t notice tears start to slip until Macy’s big hands were on my face.

“Hey little bug, talk to me.”

I shook my head. Words were suddenly very hard.

“Hey, it’s ok, you’re ok. You’re safe.” She reassured me.

I gave her a pity smile. She reached over, grabbing the joint from my hand and lit it, holding it out to me. I weakly took a puff and laid back down, screwing my eyes shut. She took a hit herself, I couldn’t blame her if she was a little nervous. Anyone would be meeting my family. I know she tried to play strong and tough, but she was human like the rest of us.

She let my hair and held it out for me again. After a little while had passed and half the joint was gone, she spoke again.

“Feeling any better?”

I gave her a slow nod, signing a little.

“Are you non verbal right now Blinky?” She asked.

I was ashamed to say it, and I knew she’d figure it out eventually even if I didn’t tell her. I wasn’t very good about hiding what was wrong with me. And I didn’t want to have to hide it from her. I just wish it wasn’t there in the first place. That I wasn’t so broken and life wasn’t so much harder for me for no reason.

“That’s ok baby, you’re ok. Do you want me to tell them you aren’t feeling well and will skip dinner?”

I shook my head and sighed “Bad idea. You need food”

She playful glared at the irony of my comment.

“Yeah, you’re right. How about I do most of the talking tonight then? I think I can handle ‘em”

“Ok” I signed.

“And Blinky, it’s ok you didn’t tell me. But you don’t have to hide your autism from me ok? I’m actually pretty sure Tommy is on the spectrum too.”

I gave her a look that said “really?”

“Mhmm. But when you’re feeling better, you have to promise to talk to me more ok? I can’t read your mind, and you don’t have to suffer alone anymore ok? Everyone in this house right now wants what’s best for you, ok? I’m not gonna judge you Blinky, I love you.”

That was the first time she’d said it. I mean of course I knew it, and I felt it, and I hope she felt it too. But neither of us had said it seriously before.

“You love me?” I sighed.

“More than anyone I’ve ever known.”

I was able to stutter out a weak “I love you” before I felt too tired to speak again.

I swear it almost looked like she was about to smile too. She kissed the back of my hand, respecting that I was way too overstimulated right now.

“Just relax Darlin’ why don’t you try to nap and I’ll wake you when they say dinners ready?”

I nodded, closing my eyes and snuggling up to her. Weed dreams were always the strangest.

An: the ketchup thing is so funny to me cause I’m allergic 😭 damn my tomato allergy ruining everything! Will write the others meeting her next, this chapter was just getting kinda long lol.

[bookwhimses]

slain darling: in certain lights

I have a word doc called "slain darlings" which is just scenes or lines I cut out from DGHDA fics. This one below is on the larger side and was cut from the fourth chapter of In Certain Lights because it completely destroyed the tension building up in the scene. It does have some fun banter in it, though, and I'm determined to share something tonight, so here it is below, unedited.

Refresher/intro for anyone who hasn't read ICL: the premise of the fic is that Dirk is unsure how to interpret how weird Todd gets around certain people, specifically, people who hit on Dirk. It's very much a jealousy pining trope fic which touches on how being autistic and being in love with Todd influences the way Dirk interprets social behaviour around him (sometimes because he overcorrects himself or assumes he's bad at reading people bc autism). This scene was cut from the penultimate chapter, in which Dirk has become over-conscious of Todd's behaviour and is secretly hoping it does signify that Todd has feelings for him. Dirk, Todd, and Farah at a restaurant and their waiter is Jake, who is flirting with Dirk.

“How about you, Dirk?” Jake’s smiling down at him again, his dimple peeping in his left cheek. “Did I pronounce that right?”

“Yeee-ees …” Dirk tries to look at Todd out of the corner of his eye, but all he can see are stiff shoulders and a pale blur. He looks up at Jake instead, attempting another smile. “You did! That was some … excellent pronouncing!”

Jake’s grin brightens, though Dirk’s view of it is quickly obscured by a cream and black blur that resolves itself into Todd’s menu, which Todd had apparently decided to shove at Jake right at that moment. Jake takes the menu, his grin faltering slightly as he catches Todd’s eye.

“Er …” Dirk shoots Jake yet another weak smile, this one a shade apologetic. “Fish for me too, thanks.”

Jake’s smile recovers and he whisks the other menus away with their orders. By the time Dirk turns back to the table, Todd’s expression has faded back to an only slightly strange, pained smile.

“How did you put it the other week?” Todd switches to his ‘Dirk-accent,’ which sounds even more egregiously Australian than usual. “‘You’re in there.’”

Fraught with social confusion or not, Todd’s impressions always have the same effect on Dirk, and he wrinkles his nose, unable to stop himself from snorting.

“Oh, don’t start,” both Dirk and Farah say simultaneously – though Dirk sounds too charmed to be completely convincing, and Farah sounds like she wants to bludgeon Todd with the pepper pot.

Todd is apparently spurred on by Dirk’s laugh though, because he leans forward, propping his elbows on the table, “‘Excellent pronouncing?’ It’s one syllable.”

“Didn’t you say that Silas called you ‘Toad’ once?” Dirk says, prompting a snicker from Farah, who’s back on her phone.

Todd’s smirk turns back to a glower, “Yeah, well. Silas was a fantasy man made up by like, a ten-year-old. And he sucked at sword-fighting.”

“Yes, Silas and I had that in common.” Dirk rather wishes he’d had other things in common with Silas, namely a devoted boyfriend whom he was 110% sure was romantically interested in him and not just an affectionate and overprotective pal.

“You – you weren’t that bad.”

Dirk sends a Look of his own Todd’s way, and Todd’s mouth starts to curve at one end into a suppressed but far more genuine grin. The bundle of confusion and anxiety in Dirk’s chest eases a little.

“Okay, you were pretty bad,” Todd admits. “You definitely get points for effort though. And enthusiasm, like, you definitely committed.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure Silas is really nursing that scratch I laid on him. In fact, in light of the scar that would have left him with, my efforts on the battlefield really do outweigh you punching his lights out.”

“Yeah, you really outshone me,” Todd grins.

“What can I say, don’t mess with this gangle of assorted limbs,” says Dirk, snapping his fingers in mock confidence, and Todd laughs.

“You’re both ridiculous,” says Farah, not lifting her eyes from her phone.

Todd and Dirk exchange a glance over her ducked head, identical grins and silent shared affection for their friend, and Dirk feels himself find steady ground again.

[bluedalahorse]

Having seen this meta in the brainstorming stage, I’m so excited that it’s gone live! It’s a delight to see @heliza24’s knowledge of TV plotting on full display. (As someone more trained in prose novels, graphic novels, and novels-in-verse than I am in television, movies, and plays, I always learn something new from our conversations with each another. It’s fascinating to me how each form of writing has its own set of vocabulary and does something slightly different.)

I don’t have too much to add as far as A and B plots, but I do want to add a little bit from the angle of representation and the schemas we as an audience carry in with us when we start watching a show. One reason I think it can be hard to notice Sara as a protagonist at first is because of the statistics and how she’s a challenge to our usual TV schemas. Statistically, protagonists are slightly more likely to be male than female, so it can be a little easier to spot Wilhelm in the protagonist role than Sara.

In addition, characters with neurodivergence explicitly identified as such by canon are much, much more likely to be secondary characters that motivate a neurotypical character’s arc. We’re all used to seeing neurotypical family members in that protagonist role, taking care of a neurodivergent sibling or feeling somewhat sidelined by their needs. It’s pretty much a trope by this point, and one that shows that aren’t as deftly written as Young Royals handle poorly. Even when we do see autistic or ADHD protagonists, we’re more used to seeing arcs that are pretty much like… there to educate neurotypical people on how autism and ADHD work. It’s so much less common to get like, “classic teen coming-of-age fare where quiet horse girl ill-advisedly hooks up with rich brunette bad boy, oh and let’s make sure we integrate AuDHD seamlessly but explicitly into horse girl’s characterization.” Like… I’m not saying it’s not happened before in our media landscape, but I am saying it’s something that challenges our internal schemas a bit.

That doesn’t mean that if you didn’t automatically spot Sara as a B plot protagonist, you’re the worst kind of sexist and ableist. It really doesn’t, and I cannot stress that enough! It does mean, however, that the ambient sexism and ableism in society sometimes shape our biases going into a piece of media, and that it’s worth pausing sometimes to examine where our perceptions come from.

I also want to make clear that Simon’s traits don’t make him an obvious or highly represented protagonist either. He’s male, yes, but he’s also gay and working class and has an immigrant mom. I think just as many exciting things can come from seeing Simon in the protagonist space, so I’m curious as to where he’ll end up in season three. Either way, I do love that the narrative takes his arc so seriously and that so much love has gone into creating Simon as a character.

I think in many ways @heliza24 and I were primed to see Wilhelm and Sara as two sides of the same coin A plot-B plot protagonists because that’s what we’ve been doing all along in Heart and Homeland, so when they popped up that way in season 2, it already felt familiar to us. I think if we hadn’t been writing the fic, we would have had to make more mental adjustments.

To wrap it up, I do actually hope we get some Wilhelm-Sara quality time in season 3. Seeing the two people Simon cares for most finally having a meaningful interaction might end up bringing me to tears in a good way.

Love your blog and all your analysis!!

Many people didn't like S2 because Simon, according to them was just a tool to drive Wilhelm's story, a love interest only and didn't really have his own story. In particular, many are frustrated at the lack of narrative on the video's effect and Simon's subsequent trauma. Of course, everyone's allowed their opinions but seeing as you have experience in the world of writing and making tv magic, wanted to get your insight on this. Thanks, a S2 fan! 💜

Hi anon! Thanks for the question.

I’ve already written pretty extensively about Simon’s arc in season 2 and why I like it in this post. In short, I think he grows a lot in season 2, but his growth takes him towards emotional vulnerability and openness, which is not something we’re used to seeing in characters (especially not male ones). 

I also don’t mind how they address Simon’s trauma in season 2. I’m going to approach this momentarily not as a writer, but as someone who has been in therapy for years. There are some traumas that have happened to me (like a serious car accident when I was a kid) that are very concrete, with a set beginning and end, and that began to affect me right away. (I had ptsd symptoms pretty immediately after that accident). But there are other traumas that feel like a series of small cuts instead of one big punch. It’s harder to decide where they begin and end, and their effects are more subtle. Sometimes it takes me years to even realize that they were traumatic and that they are still affecting me. (The medical trauma I’ve experienced as an adult over several years is like this). To me this is more what Simon is dealing with with the video. Once the video goes online, it’s not coming down. There’s no set end date, and Simon spends most of season 2 not even knowing who the perpetrator was. He’s in the kind of no-man’s land between the initial blow and coming to understand how the whole process has affected him. That being said, I do think we see some changes in him that reflect what he’s gone through. He seems to care a lot less about his academic classes than he did in season 1. He’s writing music in an attempt to process what he’s been through. And you could even see his attempt to have sex with Marcus as a trauma response. The last time he hooked up with someone his agency was taken from him. So it makes sense to me that he’s eager to have sex again but fully on his own terms, to partially erase that feeling of not being in control. I don’t know for sure if this will happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we see more traditional ptsd symptoms from Simon in season 3. If there’s some sort of legal action against August that would signify a sort of “end” of the video trauma, and would also probably be re-traumatizing in a lot of ways. I also think interacting directly with the royal family might stir up some things as well.

Ok, now I’m going to totally switch gears and approach your question from a writing perspective. Let’s talk about story structure for a minute, specifically TV story structure. Most TV has an A plot and a B plot (and sometimes a C plot too). In old school cable procedurals, the A plot would be the mystery of the week, while the B plot would be about whatever was happening in the characters’ personal lives. If there was an overarching mystery or storyline that tied the whole season together, that would be the C plot. As you can guess by how they’re named, the A Plot would take up the most time and do the most to drive  the episode forward. The B plot is next most important, etc. Once shows started to become more serialized in the age of streaming, the concept of A and B plots changed a little bit. Now the plots are divided by character and theme. The A plot will be headlined by the protagonist and will explore the main themes of the show. The B plot will be headlined by a secondary protagonist, who doesn’t have as much to do as the A plot lead, but is still answering a dramatic question that relates to the central themes of the show. A lot of times the primary and secondary protagonists’ actions influence each other, but they don’t share a ton of screen time. (If they did, their stories wouldn’t be separate.) You can think of the A and B plot protagonists as two sides of the same coin. They’re intricately connected, they’re exploring the same ideas, but they rarely come face to face, and they often represent different perspectives on the same themes. Black Sails is probably my favorite example of this. (I’m not as active in the Black Sails fandom as I am in the Young Royals fandom, but Black Sails is probably my all time favorite show and I absolutely love all the ungovernable pirates over in the Black Sails tag. Shout out to them). James Flint is the main protagonist and headliner of the A story, but Max is the secondary protagonist that headlines the B story. Both are struggling with the question of how to achieve and wield power in an unjust world, and their political maneuvers consistently influence each other’s plots. They share a lot of secondary characters across both of their plots, but they themselves never interact. So that’s one example, and if you look around at your favorite shows you’ll be able to find lots that adhere to this formula, including, I would say, Young Royals.

I think a lot of people are kind of subconsciously looking for this kind of structure, and have decided that Simon is the protagonist of the B plot. I understand this, because we all love Simon. He’s really well written and acted, his personality is so compelling, and his chemistry with Wilhelm is great. I spend a lot of time writing him in fic (I’m the writer of all the Simon content in Heart and Homeland) so I understand this impulse. But if you were looking for Simon to be anchoring the B plot in season 2, you might have been disappointed. Because in reality I don’t think he’s the secondary protagonist. I think Sara is. 

Sara is set up as a foil to Wilhelm, the main protagonist, in so many ways. I always say that the driving dramatic question of Young Royals lives with Wilhelm, and it’s something along the lines of “should I conform and live the oppressive life that was designed for me, or rebel and find my own path to happiness?” Sara is wrestling with a similar question that’s kind of the inverse of this; for her settling into a prescribed role in the Hillerska class system initially seems like a relief. So maybe for her the dramatic question is something along the lines of “is the price of fitting in worth it? Will it lead to true happiness?” They feel so much like opposite sides of the same coin to me. 

So Sara and Wilhelm are both trying to define themselves in relation to their families and also the class system. This comes up in the similarities of their family structure (they both feel very connected to their class position through their families; they both have complicated relationships with their mothers and bad to negligible relationships with their fathers; they both have a deep connection to their siblings) and in the relationships they choose to embark upon. They’re both navigating a very serious and complicated first love. They’re both dating across class (in the opposite direction, a perfect example of the “different views on the same theme” aspect of primary and secondary protagonists). They both have concerns about how and when their relationships become public, and by extension are both playing in the sandbox of themes around privacy and authenticity that define so much of the show.  

Both have difficulty regulating and recognizing their emotions. Sara seems to exhibit alexithymia, a common aspect of autism that makes it hard to recognize one's own emotions. Wilhelm has been taught to repress his emotions, which he does well until he explodes (like when he got into the fight at the top of the series or when he yells at his mom on the phone). He’s also managing a lot of physical symptoms of anxiety. 

Both also struggle with questions of justice and how to make things right. In the beginning of season 2, Wilhelm is initially determined to destroy August because he thinks August will never repent, but by the end of the season he’s starting to realize that this was the wrong technique. He realizes this largely because of Simon; he only puts down the gun and walks away from August because Simon does first.  Sara makes the opposite journey: she starts by trusting that August will change and repent on his own, but then she is forced to confront the fact that this is not true, and that she needs to use the legal system to bring August to justice. She makes this realization largely because of Simon, and seeing the ways that she has hurt Simon, in the same scene with the gun. 

The other big argument in support of Sara as the secondary protagonist of the show is that she and Wilhelm never directly interact. Their actions affect each other all the time, but they don’t share a scene together. They’re living on parallel but separate story tracks. 

Simon is a crucial character in both Wilhelm and Sara’s stories, but the fact that he is close with both excludes him from being a protagonist of his own plot line. (I would say the same about August, who is a catalyst for both Wilhelm and Sara.) That doesn’t mean that Simon isn’t well written. He has a very compelling character arc, motivates much of the plot, and his relationship with Wilhelm forms the heart of the show. But I think the reason people were disappointed in his story in season 2 is that they were expecting something from him that the structure of the show doesn’t support.  

If you’re interested in reading more about A/B/C plot structures I found this website really easy to understand. Also shout out to @bluedalahorse for talking to me about Wilhelm and Sara and helping me articulate what I was trying to say here. 

Thanks again for the ask, anon and for the vote of confidence in my analysis! I really appreciate it. If anyone else has a Young Royals scene or question they want me to break down from a writing or cinematography perspective, my ask box is always open.

[bubblyqueer000]

Can I get Makoto X Fem!Reader who has Asperger’s syndrome but is very sweet and tries to get along with Makoto?

Makoto Naegi x Fem!Autistic!Reader

I’m feeling extra chaotic rn because I have so much shit to do today but rn I’m literally eating half a dozen donuts and writing this hnjefvnjedb pls enjoy!!

ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO PUT THIS DISCLAIMER!! I am not diagnosed with autism!! All I know are the basic symptoms from google and the symptoms that go hand in hand with ADHD so if I say anything wrong please let me know and I will change it accordingly. I don’t want to be the next s*a or some shit.

Edit: Wow I was in denial when I wrote this. I'm autistic as fuck lmaooooo

♡ Makoto didn’t particularly understand why you were interested in him, whatsoever. He wasn’t sure why someone so fun and sweet like you would want to be with someone so plain but he definitely appreciates your positivity! 

♡ He doesn’t really know anything about autism. He googles it when he meets you so he can understand you better but that’s as far he goes until the two of you start dating but more on that later hehe!!

♡ The first thing that made Makoto want to become friends with you was when he saw how you tend to interact with other people. If your autism makes it difficult to socialize with others, he understands (mainly because he’s socially awkward and he thinks that that’s the only reason why you have trouble talking to others.) Regardless though, that was how he became friends with you and he quickly realized how cool you are! 

♡ It took a while for the subject of autism to be brought up. It seems like it’s just something that you just kinda said one day. You weren’t embarrassed to tell him since at that point you were super comfy with hanging out with him!

♡ “What are you so happy for Y/N?” 

♡ “Huh? What do you mean, Makoto?” 

♡ “Well, you always bounce in your seat and shake your arms around when you get excited, so I just thought that something was going on.”

♡ “Oh! I didn’t think you would notice! But yeah I do that when I’m excited because of my autism!” You say while smiling at him. He smiled and went back to what he was doing… Right before looking back up at you when he processed what you said. 

♡ “Wait, what does that mean?”  

♡ That’s when he started to research it.

♡ It was definitely a friends to lovers relationship. 

♡ He loves how you match him in how gung ho he is. In fact, sometimes you’re more energetic than him. 

♡ As I said, you tell him because he saw you stimming (Is arm flapping considered stimming? Cause I do it bc of adhd but idk) but when you flap your arms around/bounce up and down/rock back and forth/how ever else you stim, he thinks you’re! SO! PRECIOUS!!!! 

♡ “Sweetheart, do you want to get f/f for dinner?” Class was over and the two of you were walking out of school. 

♡ “Yes!! Thank you, darling!!!” You giggle while (doing whatever you do to stim). Makoto just kept on staring at you, cutely, with wide eyes. “Why are you staring at me? It’s embarrassing.”

♡ “Sorry… You’re just being really cute…” He mumbled.

♡ *Heart explodes moment*

♡ Makoto loves hearing you talk about your special interests no matter what they are. It’s so inspiring to hear you talk about something that makes you that happy even if it’s just a series or something that he may find silly. 

♡ If you have trouble sleeping, he’ll ask if you want to watch anime and play video games or something… Not the best influence but he’s trying his best.

♡ If you’re non verbal he’ll try to learn sign language or makaton. He’d do anything to understand you better! (hehe makoton sound like makoto my brain go brrrr)

♡ The rest of this takes place in the killing game!!

♡ The whole situation was putting you under a lot of stress. How could it not when you were watching the kids around you die? And on top of that, all of this was going on with your boyfriend there. What if he got caught up in it and was killed in front of you as Leon, Mondo, and Celeste had?

♡ You woke up one night, horrified. The bad thoughts that were nearly impossible to stop had appeared and you knew you couldn’t get through them alone. 

♡ You nervously opened your door and peaked out, shaking as you did so. Who knew who could be waiting quietly in the hallway planning your demise? You hesitate for another moment and begin running down the hall. You were just about to turn the corner and run to your boyfriend’s room, when a figure bumped into you. 

♡ It was all over. You were already pushed onto the floor and at any moment, you would watch helplessly as the person climbed on top of you so that you couldn’t get away and feel the sharp, excruciating pain of the murder weapon your killer chose against your skin. A tear dripped down your face and all you could do was put your hands over your eyes and await a painful death.

♡ “Y/N! Please don’t cry, sweetheart! It’s just me!” 

♡ “Makoto?!” You cried. 

♡ “Everything's okay! Just calm down and breathe.” 

♡ You and Makoto sat against the wall. He took deep breaths next to you, while waiting for you to calm down, smiling when you finally started breathing deeply along with him. 

♡ “Good job.” He said. “Is everything okay now? Can I hug you?” He asked you quietly. 

♡ You pause, not entirely sure of how to answer, and finally, nodded. Makoto hugs you tightly on the hallway floor. 

♡ “I don’t care who I have to protect you from. No one's going to hurt you so long as I’m alive.”

[prof-peach]

Hello there.. My name is Ranny and I saw Pokemon matchups are open.

I read somewhere among your posts that Ghost types could be good for little exposure to the outside? I could be mistaken, but I'll leave it to the expert.

I feel I'm quite.. difficult.. to matchup with and I can't think of something myself, I don't want to hinder any Pokemon's growth with my circumstances.. which I should probably explain? I guess I don't need to go into too much detail but I have a lot of anxiety and depression, social anxieties and ptsd (very reactive to things moving too fast above me). I have fluctuating agoraphobia also, when at a severe level being too close to windows and doors will trigger panic attacks.. I have mobility issues down to Fibromyalgia, communication and management difficulties due to Autism, and I have a hard time concentrating or get lost in hyperfocussing down to ADHD..

I'm very introverted, an INFJ personality, but I do get lonely, very lonely. My depression pretty much has me feeling low more often than not but also pretty hopeless in finding a Pokemon friend, partner, companion, or anything that won't ultimately become hindered by my existence..

Any shred of hope I have of finding someone, even if just the right direction toward one, has been poured into this.. But ultimately, please don't feel too bad if you can't think of any or don't have any available.

I have seen many specialists for my mental and physical health too, it's a painfully slow process, I just thought some company might help the journey perhaps..

Fingers crossed, huh?

Many kind regards, Ranny

The right thing you did here was explain. I’m able to give you a far more accurate suggestion because of that, so thank you for being honest about what you need a Pokemon for, aside from good company.

You’re not wrong, finding a Pokemon must have been hard for you, no one individual Pokemon could cover all the bases. That being said, a group of three low impact species could indeed help you here.

Because your situation is so specific, there’s a little less wiggle room on what you could get away with keeping, but for sure you have some choices.

So first off, emotional help, shuppet. A Pokemon happy to be indoors, often willing to help those who show them love. They’ll help regulate the moods, keep you calmer, happier, and overall more freed up to handle other things. The feelings of anxiety and depression are exhausting, You know that, but without that constant background noise of it all, you’ll have a lot more energy and opportunity to enjoy more things. In serious cases, even two shuppet would help, so talk to your doctor and also the pokecentres near you about this. This of course can be done over the phone or online, if it suits you better. Shuppet are underrated, and have high populations in the wild, I don’t know why folks overlook them, perhaps the dex entries around the species spook them. Either way, can’t suggest better than them.

Second up, indoor happy psychic types. The psychic lines are adept at aiding day to day, if you hurt and can’t reach something, or you feel tired and can’t get up to deal with going to the bathroom or something, they’re more than capable of using telekinetic powers to assist your movements, even in the bad days. Some are fully able to learn how to help regulate moods too, predicting panic attacks for their trainers, using various methods to help you before things get too stressful, or even dangerous. They also regulate brain waves, so your autism may feel a little easier to manage the longer you spend with a psychic partner. It’s proven most psychic types will do this automatically, to aid their human family day to day.

My top psychic pokemon picks for you:

solosis - a Pokemon that can and does exist in the vacuum of space, they don’t require food like average Pokemon, and have a very upbeat outlook on things more often than not, thrive indoors, so long as they get enrichment and company.

Espurr - correctly trained these Pokemon can also double up as a really good buddy for those who feel calmer when petting or brushing fur. They can be great loving companions, but also are notoriously happy entertaining themselves should you be busy, and find the life of an indoor Pokemon quite agreeable sometimes.

If I was in your position, and I felt like I could afford and handle three, I would get all three Pokemon I suggested. This gives them days off, time to relax, and breaks from the duties of a support Pokemon. Everything needs time out, so having a care rotor will allow them to plan for time out, to do things they enjoy too.

You’ll have to take this list to your local adoption centre, or even lab/professor, and they will help to put you on a waiting list for the correct species you decide upon in the end. You can’t just go and catch one from the wild in this case, these Pokemon all need very intense and specific lessons to help them be the best aids to you. The facility that eventually helps you find a set of partners will then try to match your personality to those of the support Pokemon then have ready to be rehomed. Get ready for a few visits to the facilities, to meet potential matches, but it’s well worth it. The company and love Pokemon give us is proven to aid in mood, and wellbeing. I think it’d really do you well to take at least a shuppet on.

Be aware, when possible it’s still nice for these Pokemon to go outside, even if you don’t. If you have access to a yard, or a shared garden, try to let them have time in the sun when possible if they are interested. Socialising them is also advised, even if only with friends and family’s Pokemon, send them with trusted individuals to the shops, just to take a break from the house, you know, normal junk like that.

The facility that will eventually assign you a partner will make sure to pick individuals who suit your lifestyle as best as possible, so you shouldn’t end up with a partner who isn’t ok with the conditions you’ve set out.

Do not lose hope, there’s a combo out there for everyone, and I think this set is a good one for you from what you’ve told me. Hopefully you can move forward and make some neat friends!

[big-ditch-energy]

Controversial(?) Opinion: Neurodivergent Folks are Great at Socializing, Actually

So I've been thinking a lot about relationships, boundaries and communication today and one of the themes that keeps coming up when I examine my own life is that, with a few exceptions, it is only ever my neurodivergent friends who are consistently and proactively transparent with me about boundaries, where they're at mental health wise and what effect that may have on our relationship, and other things of that nature. Even my most communicative neurotypical friends tend to only engage in such discussions after something has gone majorly wrong.

And that's just got me thinking that honestly? Past a certain age, I think, in general, neurodivergent folks have better social skills than neurotypicals.

Like sure, we often still suck at picking up on subtext, and yes, we're probably always going to behave differently from neurotypicals and in ways that might come off as awkward or weird, but y'know what both of those generally translate to in mature people???

Spectacular communication. Tolerance for harmless oddities. Willingness to accommodate other communication styles and find something that makes communicating easy for both parties--and plenty of experience doing so, having spent basically our whole lives trying to figure out how to communicate with a society that is on a slightly different wavelength from us.

Like... bro. We have been accommodating and figuring out how to deal with neurotypicals our entire lives, facing huge amounts of criticism and even complete ostracization for failure. We learned social skills on hard mode. We basically had to face the final boss of social skills while woefully under-leveled and now we're walking back to the beginning areas with the best gear in the game and insanely sharp skills, looking around MINDBOGGLED that people are out here struggling with things that could be solved by literally making the most half-assed effort to communicate instead of never addressing the issue.

It is not accurate nor fair to stereotype us as socially hopeless based on the way we struggled as children, especially given how rarely we were actually accommodated or taught what to do in ways that made sense to us.

And frankly, I think part of the reasons things like ADHD and autism are seen as things that only affect children is because most of us have to get SO GOOD at appearing neurotypical to avoid criticism that it makes it appear that there are far fewer neurodivergent adults than there really are. And I mean, I could get really in-depth on why that's a problem and the effects masking all the time can have on us, but that's besides the point.

Also I'm sorry, but if you refuse to adjust the way you're communicating something when the person you're talking with clearly does not understand, or if you're getting mad at them for not picking up on something you refuse to convey clearly and directly? That is on you. YOU are the one who is bad at communication in this situation. YOU are the one who is too inflexible or lacks the social skills to adjust. YOU are the one who cannot make yourself understood.

The exact age where we git gud at socializing does vary from person to person, especially depending on the intensity of their neurodivergence and whether they have access to the tools they need to communicate successfully, but like... dude, once we're in our final form, however long and with however much help that takes each of us, we kick ass at socializing. And yeah, sometimes it's only through unconventional avenues that we can socialize really well because some of us need certain accommodations, but we almost all find at least one way where we're really good at communicating and connecting with people, and we tend to have a lifetime worth of experience communicating in ways that aren't natural to us and can hold our own just fine in such situations.

[gh0st-patr0l]

ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!) 

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm. 

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (system in progress) + burnt badger secondary (really loud bird model)

Howdy! I’m still trying to figure out my own houses and was wondering if you could provide some insight. I haven’t exactly mastered the system so I don’t know how accurate/inaccurate my claims are, so bear with me.

The “why”/Primary: I am extremely motivated by knowledge. I want to know things, not just out of intrinsic curiosity (though that does play a role), but because knowing why things work helps me protect myself more effectively.

One of the trickiest things about this system is separating motivation from method. Because yeah, they are related, but they're also really different. Like this example: "I protect myself by learning things." That's a how, that's secondary stuff. (Bird secondary of course.)

A recent example is this— a group of my former friends all ditched me because I discussed a heavily stigmatized mental disorder that I show symptoms of. And my first response (other than bawling) was to ask them why. And when I got the answer, I was hurt, but I understood. I don’t say this for you to show me pity, but rather because it illustrates this model in action.

This is a really interesting example. Your friends acted in a way that emotionally hurt you. First you processed your feelings (which you talk about in a dismissive, lighthearted, jokey way) then you asked them for more information... which hurt you, but also made you more secure. This is very Bird primary. You feel feelings, but they're whatever. What actually bothers you is not having the data.

(I suspect you're going to end up being a Double Bird. And Double Birds are unique in that their morality and problem-solving are SO interconnected, that they think I'm crazy for saying that for most people, they are in fact two very different things.)

When I got the why and processed my emotions, I cut off ties and realized that their severe judgy-ness had hindered my life for 2 years. And now that I know the “why”, I won’t bring up said disorder again until I know it’s safe. It might never be, but I still have hope.

You updated your system, and you cut away the parts that aren't serving you anymore. Bird primary.

Morally-speaking, I am very sensitive to the views of others around me.

External primary.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s a detriment.

A lot of Birds feel this way. It's a big part of why they tend to like Lion primaries. Lions are much more able to dismiss things with "sounds like that's a them problem."

I won’t go into details, but my parents are… bad. Not wholly, but they are bad. I’ve tried for years, and still do, to escape their opinions because I know it’ll influence mine.

Parents are sticky. They do that. I've been a happily UnBurnt Lion primary for a while now... but I still sometimes hear that voice in my head that sounds like my mother.

And, much like them, I tend to get over-passionate in what I stand for. Unlike them, I’m willing to change if evidence supports this change. I always, however, carry the burden of my former hatred. I always feel guilt over my old beliefs. Even if I’ve changed, the pain I’ve done can never be reversed. And this guilt eats me alive, this shame of being fundamentally wrong.

Okay. You got really emotional on me really quickly here. This could mean a couple things. Your parents sound like fairly toxic Idealists, either Exploded Lions or Exploded Birds (I'm sort of leaning Lion due to the more emotion-heavy words like "passion" and "hatred.") Birds can feel bad, feel guilt, feel shame when looking back at an older version of themselves that they now consider morally repugnant. (Birds are human.) Idealists struggle with the angst of worrying that they are fundamentally wrong about the world. So you could be a guilty Bird, especially if your emotions feel wrong or unhelpful somehow. But you could also be a very Burnt Lion modeling Bird - because Bird seems safer, and you don't want to be a Lion the way your parents are.

When the friend-event happened, I thought that I was in the wrong, and that I had once again fucked myself over because of my passion and sureness in what I have.

"I thought I was wrong because I was acting like an Exploded Lion primary." Yeah, I'm thinking there's some sort of outside influence here that needs to be unpacked.

It took a lot of convincing and evidence for me to see that they were the assholes (albeit I wasn’t pure either— I was their friend, after all).

I'm definitely leaning Bird for you. A bird surrounded by Lions maybe, who sometimes uses Lion terminology. But Bird.

I am a planner and system-lover at heart. I’m not proud of it, but it’s just part of me.

What's with all this negative language? Being a planner and a system-lover is a wonderful thing to be. There's some Burning here.

The caveat— I have autism, so I’m not sure if it’s due to that or not. Hence the shortness of this section. Take it as you will, regardless of if it’s evidence or not.

I have autism and I'm a Lion Badger. People are different. The only real pattern I've observed is the way nerodivergent people disproportionately build Bird secondaries as coping strategies.

Honesty is maybe not the best policy, it’s still an admirable one. I wish, frankly, that my moral system was more honest. I feel like I have no set morals. That it all comes from elsewhere. Lion primaries have this set, intrinsic morality that I envy. My friend is a lion primary, and while my views have radically changed, hers haven’t inched. She’s always been honest about herself and what she holds true.

I'm doubling down on Bird primary for you. This is the perspective of a Bird looking in on a Lion. Lion morality isn't set or intrinsic - it's built, and it changes, but it builds and changes differently than a Bird's does (more slowly, usually). But there really is a pattern of Birds seeing it as more moral/easier/better.

And I’m still trying to figure out what “truth” means to me. I mean, yes, I’m a dry and blunt asshole, but that’s not really the same as gut morality. Internal honesty is what I want, and external honesty is what I have to some extent.

It sounds that you are going though a lot of very intense shifts in your life right now. You've got a diagnosis that has you questioning your place in the world. You've followed your parent's system all you life, and are now deciding that you don't want that. But now comes deciding what you do want, and that's a lot harder (especially for a Bird, who has to build it from the ground up.) You like the way Lions do things, but Lion primaries do not feel accessible.

I’m very clear with who I like. I can admit their faults, and even get annoyed or angry at them, but not even betrayal can stop me from loving them. I’d compare myself to the Twelfth Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders in that regard.

So maybe you are building a system with very Snake values.

Loyalty is one of my weaknesses. I get overly-attached to people, and so if/when they leave me, it shatters my world. But my brand of loyalty is mostly to people, not philosophical ideas.

... but you're not *really* comfortable with Snake either, if you consider it to be a "weakness."

I would consider myself somewhat philosophical (well, as much as a fucking teenager can be)

Teenagers are *extremely* philosophical, stop being so down on yourself.

but I can be somewhat vague in my beliefs.

Because you're still building them, give yourself a *second.*

If I were to rate the likelihood of what primary I think I am, it’s something like this:

Bird: 9/10 probability (maybe burned)

Snake: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability (maybe burned)

Lion: 2/10 probability

What is it with Birds and numbered lists?

The “how”: I feel like I change in order to fit in. I mean, to some extent, we all do, but it’s far more drastic for me. With the lion primary friend, I act as a “Jason Todd” to their Batman. I challenge them, egg them on, crack jokes and become violently passionate and act like a nerd, and she simply watches, usually adding her own comments but mostly sitting on the sidelines by choice. We also joke that I’m the Ferris Bueller to their Cameron Frye. But, with another friend, I’m a parent figure. I listen most of the time, and sometimes jump in with creative ideas and we talk for hours about it.

I'm guessing Actor Bird, both because you can specifically list out the qualities that you "act" out. And because you're invoking and basing your performance off specific [fictional] characters. Which is a HUGE Actor Bird thing.

I go with the flow of a given situation as best as I can (with the added caveat of being autistic, because that does affect how well I can read a room). However, that’s where the adaptation ends.

Huh. I'm hearing Burnt secondary language here. "I'd like to go with the flow and read the room - but I can't, because I'm autistic." You can definitely *learn* how to read a room. Why do you think I'm so interested in (and good at :) personality systems? This is how I learned to use my Courtier Badger. I used to model Bird secondary like crazy, and I kind of don't bother anymore. I don't need the training wheels.

Planning: like I stated before, I’m a planner. I try to learn the most about a situation before jumping in. Sometimes, however, I stall the inevitable and miss my chance, so I jump in and wind up nearly drowning. And this dichotomy repeats. I overcompensate for a lack of knowledge in a situation by micromanaging, or I wind up sitting bored when I’ve already done everything I need to do. And yes, stress and boredom are equally as destructive for me. I try so hard to plan to avoid both of these outcomes, but it only works half the time. So, I guess I’m a bit of a “planster” overall.

I want to learn about a situation... but sometimes I "stall" or "drown" (Burnt language.) But planning also leads to "micromanaging" and "getting bored" (model language.) I think you've got a really loud Bird secondary model... but there might be something else underneath.

Collecting things is fun. Postcards, candles, lighters, crystals, rocks, 1940s hats, knowledge, stories, music, (original) characters, the list goes on. I’m a collector of whatever I can get my hands on. Hell, by this point, I can’t tell what’s my special interest and what I just enjoy (again, autism).

Oh my goodness gracious 'my special interest' and 'what I enjoy' are not two different categories!

But my systems and collections are my coping.

Figured.

I can’t say, though, that they hold any weight outside of emotional release. There’s nothing practical about knowing how they shot The Outsiders movie, or how crows have a flat tail and ravens have two main sections on theirs. All of this knowledge almost feels useless to me. I mean, sure, I’m great at school, but what else? Nothing, it seems like. And being good at school and nothing else makes a person go crazy when they can’t achieve their academic goals. But that’s a bit besides the point— I’m a collector, but I’m unsure how well this really fits into a secondary beyond a model.

Bird secondary model.

I invest in others more than I care to admit.

Oh man, are you a Badger secondary like me?

I genuinely believe in the goodness in humans, no matter how impossible it becomes. Even those who I don’t see any good in aren’t wholly evil. My perception isn’t law.

^ That's primary stuff. Maybe a more Badger-flavored system is going to work better for you than a Snake-flavored one.

But some people trust me: with their secrets, with homework, with relationship issues, with their religious struggles. And I try to help. I might not be good with it, but I do try to help as best I can.

Kinda sounds like a Badger secondary.

I use my planning and my categorizing skills and my knowledge to benefit others. I show up, I do what I need to do, and I don’t usually expect much to come of it. It’s nice when something does, but it’s not expected. And sometimes, these investments into others' lives and grades and relationships do pay off. I make friends. Those friends stick by me, and I trust them. I continue to invest in others, because I am a lover even though I’m cynical.

I think you're a Badger secondary.

And when that trust is broken, like the example in the beginning, I go to people who won’t abandon me to get a second opinion. When I say that I love someone, I mean it. So it hurts when they leave. It always does.

Oh that's your friends leaving hit you so hard. It's not an abstract morality thing at all, it's practical. You're a Badger secondary, and they were your base of support.

I’ll be frank on this— I’m almost entirely sure that I’m not a lion secondary. I’m fiercely efficient and some people see me as a good leader, but that’s it.

Lion and Badger are the two Inspirational secondaries. They're the one who sort of manage to collect armies or families as a side effect of existing.

Even with the leader example, I prefer interpersonal relations or to be alone. I’m not a big fan of group settings.

That's fair. I am also a Badger who really, really likes my own company. Or small groups of interesting people.

If I were to rate the likelihood of what secondary I am, it’s like this:

Bird: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability

Snake: 5/10 probability

Lion: 0/10 probability

Other systems for comparison: I’m aware that MBTI and enneagram are, at worst, pseudo-science, but I still enjoy them regardless. At best, they’re fun self-help tools, and that’s how I try to use them.

MBTI: INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Enneagram: 5w4, tritype 514

Sagittarius sun libra moon cancer rising in astrology

FLEV or LFEV in attitudinal psyche

sx/sp (sexual and self-preservation) in instinctual variants

MBTI, Enneagram, and astrology are all fun in their own ways. (I don't actually know the last two!) And I can talk about them on their own terms. But this system was the best, and the most useful, when I went looking for words to describe myself.

I hope this is enough information, and thank you again if you do happen to do this! If you don’t, that’s totally okay. Have a good day!

Thank you for writing in. That was a journey! Thanks @thesketchykid for the submission.

[silentfcknhill]

FAVORITE SHOWS IN POSTERS

Well, we’re back for another installment of this tagged meme, this time for TV shows! I also stole this from/was indirectly tagged by @jcmorrigan. My taste in shows also differs a bit from my taste in movies, as I tend to like a lot of comedy shows with not as many horror ones. I’m not into shows as much as movies overall, but there are some that I am very passionate about so I picked twenty again. So, here we go for part 2, in order:

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend Of Korra (2005-2014)

I'm including these as one show since they take place in the same universe and tell a continuation of the same overall plot. Altogether this is probably the best piece of media to ever exist, including movies. It has so many great characters and villains especially and some of the most epic sequences, charming humor and heartwarming moments ever. I've never met a person who didn't like these shows, even people who normally don't like cartoons. My dad, who is biased against animation? He loved it. My mother? She loved it, watched it with her multiple times. My grandmother? Loved it. My ex-boyfriend? Loved it. My best friend? Loved it. I dare anyone not to, and I'm so glad it's making a resurgence since it's on Netflix for a new generation to enjoy.

2. Black Butler (2008-2014)

I never was big into anime growing up and only really started watching anime when I was like 16 and above, but this is one of the exceptions because holy shit is it ever dark and epic. I'm not sure I'd really recommend it for kids, it's more of a teens and young adults kind of anime and that's probably why it's so good, because it isn't afraid to explore dark and mature topics and do it with all of the intensity and gravitas required to do said topics justice. It has lots of great characters, and the story of demons who make deals with children who have a dark side is fun to watch play out.

3. Seinfeld (1989-1998)

My dad was a huge fan of this show so I watched it growing up since I was a toddler and it became a classic for me. I've watched thw hole show through at least 8 times, and I'll never stop because it never gets old or boring. It's also my only comfort show when I'm having a panic attack because of one time a few years ago when I was having a drug-induced psychosis episode and watching it calmed me down, so now it's like the opposite of a trigger and whenever I'm having an episode or something I watch it to bring me back to reality. For that reason it's more than a show to me, it's a medical treatment and I'm forever grateful to it.

4. The Good Place (2016-2020)

The big four shows made my Michael Schur all made it on this post (The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office and Parks And Recreation), either in the main list of the honorable mentions, but this is my personal favorite of the four. It's so funny, quirky, relatable and basically tailor-made to suit my interests. Not only is it an entertaining and wholesome show, but I think watching it helped me come to terms with a lot of things like mortality, ethics, philosophy, religion and my relationships with other people. It gets  alot of different viewpoints across and if you're a very analytical and philosophical person like me you'll probably enjoy seeing it all play out. Not to mention, every single character is 'favorite character' material. It's rare you find a show with no filler characters in the main cast, but I genuinely can't choose who is best.

5. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013-?)

Another of Michael Schur's shows, this one is just barely under The Good Place and to be honest it was tough to pick my favorite between the two because they're both equally funny. I know it's kind of controversial right now because of the whole law enforcement thing, but I actually think they do a good job of handling social issues in the show and remaining respectful of real-life systemic problems. As for the characters, this is another one of those shows where every single character is gold and I think that tends to be a trend among Schur's shows in general. He produces damn good comedy, and damn good characters. I can't wait to see what they bring next.

6. Rick And Morty (2013-?)

This is unfortunately one of those cases of 'great show, horrible fandom' and for that reason I don't get involved in the fandom even though I love the show. It's a shame because it really is a great show, so funny and, again, such good characters. I think it's a lot more accessible than the fandom likes to claim, so I'm hoping more people will give it a chance and not get put off by the intellectual elitism of the fandom because it does have some of the most entertaining and batshit crazy episodes ever, poking fun of some of the staples of science fiction in media while also poking fun of itself the whole time. Unlike the fandom, the show doesn't take itself seriously and that's enjoyable nowadays.

7. Orange Is The New Black (2013-2019)

While this show is a comedy, it is also a lot of other things and it's probably made me ugly-cry just as many times as it's made me laugh. Well, maybe not as often, but those few scenes (if you've watched the show then you know the ones I'm talking about) made me hysterically sob hard enough to be worth like fifty minor sads. But I didn't even mind because the show is just that good, and it makes you /feel/ something in a real way. Probably because of just how real it gets in terms of telling stories that happen all the time in the real world, sometimes with inevitably tragic endings. But these things do happen every day, and it's important to shine a light on that. It's not just representation for LGBTQ+ but also for POC, the neurodiverse, the poor, and many more. Give it a watch to broaden your perspective!

8. Big Mouth (2017-?)

This is probably the grossest show I've ever seen but by god is it ever funny. Maybe it's because I have an immature sense of humor or something, but I love this show. It definitely won't be everyone's cup of tea and I don't recommend you watch this show with anyone else around because it will get awkward. I think part of its appeal to me is that everyone I talk to who likes it considers it so relatable to their lives growing up but for someone like me who grew up on the autism and asexual spectrum and who was physically an early-bloomer by years, nothing about this show is relatable to me in any way so it makes it all the more crazy and bizarre watching how the people around me must have experienced things. Did y'all really have these experiences with puberty in middle school???

9. Dexter (2006-2013)

I recently heard that this show is coming back for a reboot soon and I'm so excited because this is my absolute favorite drama/thriller show, as evidenced by the fact that it's the highest one on the list so far that isn't a comedy. I love the idea of having a protagonist who is sort of a villain (or at least morally dubious), and the idea of a serial killer who only kills bad people is particularly satisfying for some reason. Maybe because he's the vigilante we all deserve and want in this unjust and evil world of modern times? Idk but the very premise of this show set it up for big things and aside from the ending I think it delivered consistently.

10. Once Upon A Time (2011-2018)

This show took us on some journeys, and you can't deny that. Sure, maybe it didn't always finish what it started and didn't always end in the most satisfying way, but part of its charm is that you didn't care because the experience was just so much fun. They took characters and stories that have been told to death and somehow managed to put a unique and unexpected twist on them, and that alone is admirable. Good twists, good villains, and pretty much every cliffhanger known to man will keep you hooked on binge-watching every episode.

11. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009-?)

A bit different than the other entries on my list in that it's not fiction but a reality competition show, but I couldn't leave Drag Race out because it's just so fucking iconic and perfect. Even when you disagree with the judges or can't stand a certain contestant you'll still be having a good time. It's got the personalities you love to love, the ones you love to hate, and the comedy that's completely meme-able. I mean just how much has this show contributed to pop culture and the internet? More than most of us, henny. I've watched every single season, even the international ones and all of the spinoffs. This show will probably be on for another thirty years when Ru is throwing shade from a hospital bed and I'll still be watching.

12. House (2004-2012)

Some people hate on this show, and I don't get it. I love House. Yes, he's an ass. That's the point. He's supposed to be unlikeable, and that's why I like him. Maybe because I always love the rude, sarcastic, misanthropic jerkass-genius characters for some reason. And I also love procedural shows, so it's a win-win. I also work in the healthcare field so it appeals to me for that reason too, because obviously the whole premise is outlandish which is what makes it funny. Of course it's not realistic for a hospital, so just enjoy the absurdity and don't get too hung up on the details of medical accuracy and professional ethics and you'll be fine.

13. The Office (2005-2013)

The third of Michael Schur's show and the last one that made the main list (sorry Parks And Rec, I love you too but there was just so many good shows to choose from and I saw you last so the nostalgia isn't as strong!) I don't think I need to hype this show up any, it's already a classic and you can't even turn around online without getting hit in the face by a dozen Office memes. You'll have to pry this show and it's relatable characters (especially Michael Scott) from my cold, dead hands.

14. All Hail King Julien/The Penguins Of Madagascar (2008-2017)

Like Avatar/Korra, I also consider this as one show for the sake of this list because it also takes place in the same universe (Madagascar, specifically) and I just couldn't choose one over the other because they're both so perfect. They're funny and I love all the characters (it cut out the weaker links of the Madagascar film series and just focuses on expanding the standout side-characters like King Julien and the penguins). It also delved into some lore, particularly the first show, and even though I didn't also agree with the directions it took (you may have seen me get salty about the ending because I cared too much), I can't deny how much I love it.

15. Bones (2005-2017)

One of the other scarce non-comedy shows on this list, it still has it's funny moments. It's also, like House, another procedural show that involves some medical stuff, but this time on a more scientific and forensic level which is even more interesting. It's nice to see a lead female with Asperger's, too. There's a lot of cop/law enforcement shows where they try to solve crimes, but this one is the best, and I'm saying that as a fan of CSI as well. Don't fight me on this, I'm right. Oh yes, it's corny, it's campy, it's cheesy, but I love every minute of it. Don't watch if you have a weak stomach though.

16. The Simpsons (1989-?)

We all grew up with this show, don't lie. It's been around longer than most people on tumblr have even been alive. Should it have ended seasons ago? Hell yes. But that doesn't take away what the first like 20 or so seasons gave us (there's a lot of argument about when the show jumped the shark, for me it wasn't until much later than the popular consensus). The characters are amazing, but the secret to the show's longevity is that they always return to status quo and there's comfort and nostalgia in that. Bart will still be in 4th grade when you're out there pushing 90. This show is persistent. This show is eternal. This show will outlive us all.

17. Ash Vs. Evil Dead (2015-2018)

Sorely underrated. This show is hilarious, gruesome and campy as hell and I love it. I don't think you necessarily have to watch the Evil Dead movies beforehand in order to get the plot of the show, although it would probably help. In my opinion this show ended way too soon and I'm hoping someday we'll get a comeback because Ash is the reluctant, self-absorbed hero we all need and it's 2020 so at this point there really might actually be a demon-zombie apocalypse and who's gonna save us then if not for the impulsive womanizer with a chainsaw for a hand?

18. Malcolm In The Middle (2000-2006)

Another show I grew up with, I don't think it gets as much credit as it deserves. It has some damn funny episodes and great characters, and it did a lot of the popular sitcom tropes before they were 'cool'. Some other great sitcoms, The Middle in particular, took a lot of influence from this show and it helped pave the way for the future of sitcoms at a time when they were about to make a comeback. If you want a good show about the real experiences of growing up, this is a much more accurate representation of the highs and lows of being an awkward tween from a dysfunctional home.

19. A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

Unlike most people I actually liked the movie version from the early 2000's, and I read the books growing up so I was excited when I saw there was a live action television adaptation of it on Netflix because I felt like they cancelled the movie franchise too soon. I was interested to see how new actors would handle the roles, and I was not disappointed. I wouldn't say I liked either portrayal of the characters better or worse, they both added their own twist to it and this show is a great and loyal adaptation to the books, probably because the author was so heavily involved. He knew just when to stick to the books and when to improve upon what he had done with the benefit of hindsight. This show is basically the books, but remastered.

20. Winx Club (2004-?)

Sort of an odd one out on this list, but I really love this show even as an adult and it may surprise you to learn it is still going on and the most recent season came out last year. They take big breaks sometimes in between seasons, but it's still going strong and in multiple countries. The only thing I don't like about watching this show is all the different and inconsistent dubs since the original show is Italian and each dub only goes for a couple seasons so by the time you get used to one set of voices/names for the characters oyu have to abruptly switch to another, but it's still worth it for the beautiful animation and cool characters (especially the villains!)

Honorable Mentions: 

13 Reasons Why, America's Next Top Model, American Horror Story, Arrested Development, Bates Motel, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Care Bears, Chernobyl, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Criminal, CSI, Duck Dodgers, Goosebumps, Kenny Vs. Spenny, Kim Possible, Kingdom Hospital, Lazytown, Lost, Making A Murderer, Mayday, Mindhunter, Modern Family, Monster High, Obsession: Dark Desires, Parks And Recreation, Prison Break, Project Runway, Queer As Folk, Queer Eye, Salem, Schitt's Creek, SCTV, Spongebob Squarepants, The Emperor's New School, The Good Doctor, The Haunting Of Hill House/Bly Manor, The Middle, The Pretender, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Through The Wormhole, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Unsolved Mysteries, Yugioh

Tagging: @bullet-farmer​ and anyone else who wants to!

[a-dragons-journal]

Hello again. This is the 5-part anon from earlier. I wrote a long response to your post and I think it’d be more convenient to dump the text in a pastebin than split it into asks. The link is going to expire in a few months, so I recommend copying the contents into its own post rather than posting the link: pastebin. com / 2r49iein

I had, sorry; you've just caught me in the lead-up to and midst of finals week, so I haven't been answering asks as quickly as usual, especially ones that will take a significant amount of time and energy xD (No worries about checking in, though, Tumblr does have a horrible habit of eating asks and it's good to check! And also my ADHD no-object-permanence ass will see an ask, go "I'll respond to that later," and then forget it exists sometimes with no Tumblr interference necessary, so good to check for that reason too xD)

Hello again. This is the 5-part anon from earlier. Thank you for your thoughtful answer. First off, I want to apologize to anyone who may have been hurt by my words on the topic of otherheartedness, copinglink, etc. I did not mean to in any way minimize the importance of these identities for others. Because I felt I didn’t have the "right" to claim a "full" otherkin identity, I felt like I had to settle for something that simply didn’t fit my experience, which led to my frustrated, generalized words.

With that out of the way, I’ve been giving what you said some thought. I have to admit I never really participated in otherkin communities, only watching from afar. It’s good to know that I "qualify" as otherkin, but I wonder if it’s such a good idea for me to identify that way. I have so few experiences in common with most otherkin that I would probably feel *more* alienated by calling myself that, not *less*. In my experience, forcing myself into an identifier that is technically correct but feels wrong/bad is not the way to go. At any rate, I’ll describe my feelings in more detail, just because I’m really curious to know if you’ve ever heard of anyone similar, or if this reminds you of anything. I apologize if some of it is repetitive or if it jumps from topic to topic without making much sense.

Some parts of otherkin… culture, I guess? Baffle me. For example, needing to narrow down one’s exact species or the cause/origin of one’s identification as nonhuman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s not valid; just that I don’t personally see the point? All the rules about who gets to call themself otherkin feel constraining to me, because I guess there’s not really any other term that fits, but even that one doesn’t fit that well, so I’m kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So I’m more inclined to just say, yeah, I’m a bird. Do I behave like a bird? Do I have bird instincts? Not really, but I’m still a bird. Adopting an otherkin identity throws a wrench in that, making me feel like a failed nonhuman, because it’s *hard* not to feel invalid when everyone else seems completely different from you. If anything, I feel more valid doing my own thing! I didn’t come to this bird identity because I felt like I was Different somehow and needed to find an explanation for it (been there, done that with the autism, lol). Instead I came to it because it felt good, and right, and it made me happy.

You say since I don’t know if I chose this or not, it’s unlikely to be voluntary. I guess I just… feel weird about this? I don’t really have words to describe it. Maybe it boils down to "does it matter?". And I know when it comes to the term "otherkin", it *does* matter, which is kind of one of my problems with it.

I looked at that daemonism post you reblogged and found myself relating to the way Rook described Tukuxa: "She lacks a shark’s instincts, fears and drives - but her core is still shark." I wouldn’t say I *lack* these things, just that I simply don’t have them. Do I have a human mind in a human brain? Sure, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a human, nor does it make me any less of a bird. It makes me happy to conceptualize myself as a bird, to design my own appearance as a bird with qualities that can’t physically exist in this world, to daydream of flight. Is that such an uncommon experience?

I have a headmate who is a dragon. She was born as a dragon, she looks like a dragon, she simply Is A Dragon. She’s not dragonkin, she’s not based on any fictional dragon, she just… is. (Not to say that dragonkin folks aren’t dragons, just that she doesn’t identify as dragonkin.) But she doesn’t have any of the typical dragon traits you might expect; like me she has a "human mind" in a "human brain", and yet she’s just a dragon. I guess it’s sorta the same with me.

I just feel like it’s better for me to say "I’m [X]" and keep the specifics to myself. Despite these asks, I have no intention of holding my identities up to the scrutiny of others. If I say I’m a thing, I could mean it in a number of ways. Total or partial identification as/with, or even just a passing attachment. Ultimately, it’s my business, and trying to define it beyond just "I am this thing" or "I relate to this thing" or "This thing is me" feels sort of obnoxious? (For context, I do have nonhuman identities other than a bird, I just used that one as an example/shorthand.)

I guess that about covers everything. What do you think? If your followers/anyone who sees this wants to chime in, I’ll be looking at the notes. Thanks again!

(Regarding the 'hearted/'linker stuff, I figured that wasn't what you meant in your previous asks; I just wanted to bring it up because it's a conflation that gets made a lot, accidentally or on purpose.)

Honestly, these are all incredibly valid points, and if you just want to call yourself nonhuman or bird but not otherkin/therian then that's entirely up to you. If the label doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you! You are not obligated to use every label that you technically fit under (gods know I don't), and I didn't mean to imply so - just to make it clear that it's available to you if you do want it. I can see now that I probably kind of missed the point in that response.

And you're right that frankly, even though there is a wide range of experiences under the otherkin umbrella, there's also a set of common experiences that almost everyone seems to share at least a few of, and when you don't share those I can imagine it makes it kind of hard to connect with others in the community. Unfortunately, like I said, I don't know that there's a way around that other than trying to host a platform for those atypical experiences to speak, which is a good idea but probably not very effective in practice because of the sheer numbers game.

So you've decided you're probably better off not trying to make the "otherkin" label or community fit, and that's entirely valid - I guess the question is, what now? If you're wanting to find others with similar experiences to you, you still need somewhere to look, and it seems like this isn't it.

You might want to look into other nonhuman terms - "nonhuman" and "transspecies" come to mind, and while neither of these might fit you, they do collect different subcultures that might be less alienating for you or easier to find others with similar experiences within. The broader "alterhuman" label may also be useful, though that can be a bit like trying to find a needle in a haystack just because of how many things are included in "alterhuman" and I don't know that you'd have any better luck than with "otherkin".

Or you might want to try older platforms, if you haven't already - forums, IRCs if they still exist. The community wasn't always as focused on some of the things you noted as it is now (pinning down a specific species, voluntary vs involuntary, etc.), and platforms with a population that trends toward people who've been around longer sometimes still have more of that culture than Tumblr and Discord tend to, though they come with their own problems of course.

Ultimately, if "I'm a bird" is the easiest way to communicate your experiences, then that's that on that. These words only exist because people find them useful - if you don't find them useful, don't feel like you have to use 'em. As far as finding community when so much of the otherkin community feels alienating to you, I'm afraid that's all I've got - y'all got anything for anon?

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 25

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised@alastair-appreciation-month

Previous Chapter: Chapter 24

Next Chapter: Chapter 26

Uncle Jem had brought several of the Carstairs family’s old notebooks, and the past week they’d spend studying them to see if there was anything interesting. They’d rescued Grace, but no one had been able to find Tatiana since, nor did they know what they were up against exactly and if they could defeat it. Cordelia believed cortana could kill it, but walking in with no plan would just get them all killed.

Thomas felt like they were running out of time. He hadn’t told anyone yet, but he felt tired lately, much more than usual. For Alastair that was normal, he guessed, Alastair was always tired and therefore Thomas had no reason to complain. Still, it was odd and sudden. Then he’d gotten a bit of a headache, and right now he struggled to finish his lunch, which was already much smaller than what he usually ate. He’d eaten much less than he usually did the past days, truth to be told. He just didn’t have the same appetite. He was feeling a little chilly too, but guessed he should just put on a cardigan.

‘Are you alright, Tommy?’ his mother asked. ‘You’ve been eating so little lately.’

‘Just nervous, that’s all,’ Thomas said.

The thing was, Thomas didn’t usually eat less when he was nervous. If anything he ate more, he’d always been a stress eater. Instead he figured he was coming down with something. Someone else might just have said, ‘I think I’m getting sick, I’m going to rest a bit’, but after a childhood of frequent illness and worrying parents Thomas couldn’t get the words over his lips. He’d make sure to rest a bit more, he told himself. But he didn’t want to worry anymore, and he especially didn’t want his parents to start taking care of him like they used to when he was young.

Instead, he returned his attention to Alastair, who had long finished eating and gone outside to read. A ray of sunlight fell on his cheek, illuminating his warm golden brown skin. His eyes were fixated in a journal so old it looked like it might fall apart any moment. Not in Alastair’s careful hands though. He was holding the journal with meticulous care, so no damage would come to it. With his free hand, he pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, but it was not yet long enough to stay there so it fell back in front of his face. Back in school, Alastair would slick his hair back with hair gel, always perfectly in order, not a hair out of place. Thomas, who usually took a comb through his hair and left it at that, had wondered where he found the time. Now it was falling in soft wavy locks over his face. At school Thomas would never have guessed Alastair’s hair was wavy, but it was loose now and Thomas had grown to love gently running his fingers through it. He’d always loved Alastair’s dark hair, he thought. Alastair had shown him a picture from when he’d dyed it blonde, and although that looked alright, Thomas thought his dark hair was much more beautiful.

‘Anything interesting?’ Thomas asked, sitting down on the bench next to Alastair.

A gnome came up to his feet. Thomas and his mother had been feeding them to gain their trust, and not long since the gnomes had learnt that Thomas meant a chance for food. He guessed there were still plenty of cookies he didn’t feel like eating at the moment anyway, but he also wasn’t motivated to go into the kitchen and get anything. Thomas guessed resisting that adorable smile was good practice for when he got pets.

‘Nothing yet,’ Alastair said. ‘But I think I’m getting to the part that described that witch. It might give us some clues about what else Lucie can do.’

‘Have you discussed with Cordelia where you’ll live after the summer?’ Thomas asked.

Alastair had confided in him that even if his mother managed to get back the house and could go and live there, he was considering moving in with uncle Jem for the time being. His father’s house held too many bad memories, and Thomas could understand it would not be good for his recovery to live there again. Alastair had not yet made a decision, but Thomas thought it might be good for him.

‘She has not yet decided what she’ll do,’ Alastair said. ‘She is a bit young to live without her mother after all. Besides, with our mother pregnant it would be better to have someone with her. If she doesn’t get the house back, I presume she would stay with Risa and with me gone there might be enough space for Cordelia as well. But I’m almost nineteen, I figured it might be time to move out. Even if I’m moving in with another relative instead of getting my own place.’

‘That’s just practical, living on your own would be expensive. Besides, Jem won’t be another parent, will he? So you’ll still get to practice your adulting skills in a relatively safe environment. Does Jem live far away from your mother?’

‘Completely different part of London, but still in the city,’ Alastair said. ‘Easy to travel to university from there. It’s a big house, so I’ll really have my own space and get to take care of myself, with Jem still there in case I can’t. I’ve lived there until I was about six. When I was still happy, there are no bad memories tied up to that place. I thought maybe I could be happy again there.’

‘Where does Jem live exactly?’ Thomas asked.

Alastair gently put the notebook away, closing it carefully and putting it down in his lap. He took his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, showing him a screen of google maps with a marker where Jem lived.

‘Oh, that’s not far from where my parents live,’ Thomas said. ‘Only a few stops with the metro. We live close to the station.’

‘I didn’t realize. Well, that’s convenient. Makes it easy to have sleep overs or go out together if we don’t live too far away.’

‘Precisely,’ Thomas said. ‘Would you like to go for a walk when you’re finished here? A short one, I am a little tired. But I’d like some fresh air.’

Alastair carefully bound up his notebook and put it on the table inside with the others, before coming with him.

‘It’s safer to bring Lucie,’ Alastair said. ‘In case we get trapped in between again.’

Alastair had a point, although Thomas would like some time alone with him. He was so busy at work all the time, ever since Jem had arrived he was preoccupied with the journals. Thomas missed their walks.

‘Alright, we’ll walk to uncle Will and aunt Tessa and ask her and Cordelia to come. I’m curious if uncle Gabriel and aunt Cecily are coming this way too. Jem said they were struggling to find a babysitter.’

‘Right, for little Alexander,’ Alastair said.

‘And Christopher,’ Thomas added. ‘My other cousin. He’s almost seven now.’

‘What’s he like?’ Alastair asked.

‘Different from Alexander, that’s for sure,’ Thomas said. ‘Alexander is a menace. Sweet, but fierce and hyperactive and if you don’t watch him for two seconds he’s swinging from the curtains somewhere. Christopher… he’s not as wild. He’s curious and is obsessed with science. He likes to do simple experiments, and we sometimes have to keep him from setting things on fire. I’m not sure he realizes “Don’t try this at home” applies to him as well. Fortunately, putting on a science show on tv usually keeps him from blowing anything up. Usually, my sisters and I babysit them when necessary, but he also adores uncle Henry, who is an inventor.’

It occurred to Thomas that Henry was Charles’ father. Sometimes children did not resemble their parents, he guessed. It had been a bit of a shock for everyone to learn that Charles had been Alastair’s former lover. Even if not everyone knew how awful he’d been to Alastair, they all had pieced together how much older Charles was. His father most of all had been horrified, since he’d known Charles since he was a baby. Thomas suspected he’d go confront Charles himself if Alastair hadn’t asked him not to. He knew Alastair was still ashamed of his past relationship and was still trying to make sense of it all. Thomas was glad he’d found trust in him and his parents, even if Thomas suspected Alastair still kept the worst of it to himself. Who could blame him? He wasn’t sure if Alastair finally believed his parents cared about him now, but at least he seemed to trust them which was a big step for Alastair. His mother had told him about her past and how she’d gotten her scar in an attempt to let him know he could talk about it and she understood.

‘As a child I had a phase where I liked science too,’ Alastair said. ‘I think I often had phases like that with different interests. When Cordelia and I were very young, we both loved architecture and played with all sorts of building toys and legos together. I also really liked math for a while. Then the animals from the forests in Devon. I lived there for a while in a small village. I think that’s when I grew a bit obsessed with hedgehogs.’

‘Christopher has been obsessed with science for some time now,’ Thomas said. ‘But we’ll see how it goes and what he’ll like in the future. He’s being assessed for autism and ADHD. He’s a sweet kid, but he struggles socially. Not a lot of friends unfortunately. I honestly think he prefers my company over his peers.’

‘I know what that’s like,’ Alastair said. ‘To be the child with the weird interests and never fit in with other children.’

‘You lived in Devon for a while. What was it like there?’

‘The scenery was amazing. The forests there are beautiful. The people… not so much, I prefer London.’

‘I lived in the countryside for a couple of years too when I was little, for my health. I think where I lived the people were nicer, more involved than in the city.’

Alastair made a face. ‘Not when you’re foreign and your mother wears a roosari. The people in Devon are mostly white. I don’t think Father really considered that when he moved us there, it was mostly about him. They might be kind if you’re part of their group, but they’re hostile to outsiders. Fortunately, we moved back after a couple of years.’

‘Ah, of course,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m sorry.’ He felt stupid for not considering that earlier.

‘Well, people are racist everywhere. But at least in London there are more people of color and people are at least used to the idea that not everyone’s white.’ My mother still gets dirty stares and comments for her roosari, but she’s not the only one who covers her hair. So while in Devon, I much preferred to spend my time in the woods looking for hedgehogs than with other people. I guess I still do.’

Thomas felt a bit numb in his head, shivering even if it wasn’t cold at all. Perhaps going for a walk wasn’t the best idea, but he wanted to spend some time outside just the same. He should have brought something warm to wear, was all. He wasn’t really sick, it was just not as warm as he’d expected. But Alastair wasn’t shivering at all, he seemed to enjoy the sun on his skin. Thomas did too but it didn’t bring him any warmth.

‘You need to go back for a cardigan?’ Alastair asked. ‘There are goosebumps all over your arms.’

‘Oh. No, I’ll be fine.’

Thomas felt faint in the head and by the time they made it to the Herondale’s house, his vision became a little blurry and he collapsed against the door. He was awfully nauseous yet didn’t feel like he was going to throw up. Alastair noticed his sudden movement and his reflexes were quick. He tried to catch him.

‘Why are you so goddamn heavy, Tom,’ he groaned, trying and failing to stop both of them from crashing into the door.

Leaning against Alastair and the door, Thomas pushed himself upright again, blinking a couple of times until he felt he could stand on his own feet again. Alastair’s soft fingers went from his cheek to his forehead, and Thomas immediately recognized what he was doing. It was the same thing his parents and sisters had done his entire childhood. If they didn’t have a thermometer at hand, they’d feel his forehead, his neck, and determine if he was allowed to go anywhere. Alastair was going to determine he was sick and then all that was left was for everyone to tuck him into bed and start taking care of him. Thomas had hoped to avoid that.

‘You’re burning up,’ Alastair said. ‘You should not be going outside, much less for a walk. Come, we’re here anyway, I’m sure you could use the couch.’

Alastair led him inside, one arm around his waist and the other in his hand, and packed him in blankets on the couch, fetching a thermometer and some paracetamol.

‘Alastair,’ Thomas said, trying to piece together words through the headache and light headedness.

‘Just let me get this,’ Alastair said, pushing the thermometer into Thomas’ ear.

‘Alastair,’ Thomas repeated.

’38,6,’ Alastair said. ‘Tom, you have a serious fever. Why didn’t you say anything? I’ll make you some tea, just relax.’

‘Alastair!’ Thomas yelled, startling the boy.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Please don’t. I can make my own tea, I can take my own temperature,’ Thomas said, trying to calm his breath. ‘I hate it when people take care of me. I told you about my sickness as a child. I don’t want things to be like that again, I don’t want to be taken care of. So please, don’t. Just let me do it.’

Alastair sat down next to him. ‘You were about to walk into the woods with a fever. I’ve seen how stubborn you are.’

‘Yes. I am stubborn. I didn’t realize it would be so bad. But please, let me make these mistakes by myself. I don’t want to be treated like a sick child again.’ Thomas paused, blinking away the tears in his eyes. He didn’t realize this would make him so emotional. ‘I always loved that about you, how you believed I could take anything. How you didn’t treat me as if I was fragile because I was small and used to get sick.’

Alastair sighed. ‘I was an ass to you, Tom. It had nothing to do with respect, or thinking you’re strong.’

‘I know, and it did hurt sometimes. But I loved that you believed I could take it. I knew you didn’t mean any of the things you said, and with me, it was always a bit more light hearted, teasing perhaps.

But you never forced me to go to bed and rest when I did not want it. Matthew grew up around me being sick all the time, and I think he learnt from a young age that I was fragile and to be taken care of. James too. But I never wanted that. I’ll rest, I promise. But I’ll make my own tea, alright?’

‘I’m sorry, Tom. You can make your own tea. Make some for me as well?’

Alastair settled onto the couch while Thomas went into the kitchen to put on the kettle, still wrapped in a blanket. He was too cold to go without it. While waiting for the kettle to boil, Thomas realized Alastair did have a point, he could barely stand upright. Still, he was determined to at least do this. If he wanted anything later, he could always ask Alastair. He picked out a selection of tea bags for Alastair and put in a herbal teabag for his own. Thomas didn’t believe herbal tea cured sickness, but it was worth a shot.

He settled back on the couch, wrapped the blankets back around himself and took two paracetamol, hoping that would at least lower the fever.

‘I really can’t believe you think of my being rude to you as something positive,’ Alastair said. ‘I made fun of your height all the time.’

Thomas shrugged from underneath the blanket. ‘I never minded when you called me pipsqueak or wee little Thomas, or, I don’t know, you had plenty to say.’

Alastair raised an eyebrow. ‘You certainly took your revenge.’

Thomas tried to find a comfortable position on the couch, blankets around him. Alastair did have a point with the paracetamol, and Thomas took two. Hopefully they’d lower his fever.

‘Perhaps I’ll start calling you pipsqueak,’ Thomas said. ‘The name suits you much better now.’

Alastair made an undignified sound. ‘I’m not that short.’

‘You’re plenty shorter than me,’ Thomas said. ‘I always kind of liked it, pipsqueak. It sounded sweet even if you meant it to be hurtful. Sometimes I feel like you never really did a good job at being mean anyway.’

‘I never wanted to hurt anyone,’ Alastair said, ‘and I did have a bit of a weak spot for you then. I can be even worse than what you’ve seen, but I save that for bigots.’

Thomas put his hand on Alastair’s cheek. ‘I always thought you were holding back on being mean, even if you could still be quite vicious. But pipsqueak is mine now.’

Alastair looked mortified. ‘I guess I can’t stop you, can I?’

Thomas lay down on the couch, head on a pillow. Why were all these blankets so small? His feet were still cold and he’d have to find a solution for that. Really, blankets should be made for tall people. Nobody short would complain about having a bit of leftover blanket.

‘It’s concerning, that you’re getting sick after all these years,’ Alastair said softly.

‘It’s nothing,’ Thomas said. ‘Everyone gets a fever every once in a while.’

‘I haven’t had a fever in years. Colds, at times, but rarely a fever,’ Alastair said.

‘You don’t get the flu?’ Thomas asked.

‘Not that I remember,’ Alastair said. ‘But I figured that’s just the age, as a child I would get the occasional fever like all children do, and I imagine I’ll get them again when I’m older.’

Thomas had gotten the flu a couple of time over the past years. Never anything serious or with abnormal frequency, but it had sent the entire family into a panic whenever it happened.

‘Please don’t tell my parents,’ Thomas said. ‘That I’m sick, I mean.’

‘How did you plan to keep it from them?’ Alastair asked.

‘Well, I was hoping I’d be better by the next morning,’ Thomas said. ‘I could sleep over here and then when I’m better pretend nothing happened.’

Alastair was skeptical. ‘I really don’t think you’ll feel better that soon, even if it is a normal flu.’

Lucie and Cordelia entered the room through the garden door, Cordelia turning her sword back into the familiar necklace. ‘Those are a lot of blankets,’ Lucie pointed out. She was right, and Thomas moved them around a bit so at least the biggest blanket would cover his feet, reaching up to his waist.

‘We wanted to revisit the ruins,’ Cordelia said. ‘See if there’s anything else that can give us information on Tatiana or the thief of souls. I was wondering if you would be coming.’

‘Thomas is sick,’ Alastair said.

‘Don’t stay behind on my behalf,’ Thomas said.

Alastair frowned. ‘You sure? I would gladly stay here with you.’

‘I think I’m going to get some sleep anyway,’ Thomas said. ‘Please don’t trouble yourself on my behalf. Go, I’ll still be here when you get back.’

‘Get well soon,’ Lucie said, putting her arms around him briefly. ‘You know how the tv works in case you want to watch a movie.’

‘I’ll be alright, Lu. Good luck with your mission.’

Thomas wanted to believe he had just caught the flu. Bad luck, nothing more. But perhaps that wasn’t the case. Perhaps he wouldn’t get better. Perhaps this meant they were running out of time.

[angelhummel]

what would you do with the characters you don't like if you had power over glee? would you completely get rid of them, replace them or rewrite them to be something different?

I mean the mean part of me wants to say I would just scrap Brittany completely bc she didn't amount to anything in the end asjdfhlfsk BUT if I'm trying to be creative then no, that's too easy. With Brittany, there are two ways I could play it

1) She actually is quite clever but puts on the typical ditzy cheerleader act for funsies. To make sure Quinn knows she isn't a blonde rival threat lol. To mess with guys who think they can take advantage of her. Mostly for her own amusement, to see the looks on people's faces whenever she says something "dumb". But she drops the act midway thru s2 (when they quit the cheerios) and we get to see her for who she really is. Sharp and blunt at the same time, with a sardonic and dry wit that sometimes goes over people's heads. But she's dropped the dumbass act to be a lil smart ass

"How do you know my dim-witted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation used to lower people's expectations thereby enhancing my ability to effectively maneuver within any given situation?"

2) She is kind of a ditz but she actually has the emotional intelligence that people claim she has. But the good "Go back in there and be there for Kurt", "family is a place where everyone loves you no matter what" kind, not the "you have to actually eat the chocolate bar or it will melt and look like you have poop in your hand". Basically Brittany talking about poop or toilets or anything in that same vein is strictly forbidden. She's not great in school, makes C's and D's in her main classes. But has creative electives like art, photography, creative writing, etc and does amazingly in those classes. She has her own unique way of looking at things and offers her own unique wisdom to help put things in perspective from time to time

Either way, she is never a complete fucking bonehead turned math genius bc that is fucking awful. And maybe you could even add in the actual autism angle bc like. Doesn't understand social cues, takes things too literally, etc. And either way she would graduate in s3 and get out of my face. So that's what I'd do with Brittany

Finn is easier but also harder bc this is such a gargantuan task and deviation from canon but. Have him actually be more like the person we're told he is. You TELL me he is this amazing uniter of cliques, kind hearted, perfect blend of a jock and show choir god, ushering the school into a new age of togetherness. You SHOW me he is a lil bitch who runs away from the club at the slightest difficulty, drops slurs and outs people on the reg, wants to be the leader without putting in the work, and is kind of a ball hog who actually sucks at football and isn't that great a singer. What's not clicking

Obviously Finn doesn't have to be perfect. He can have issues and uncertainties. But holy shit maybe have one issue once or twice. Doing this same bullshit half a dozen times and never learning a lesson makes me hate him!!!! Idk man just make him less of a fucking asshole

And don't fucking act like he ascended to sainthood when he died. I'm sorry but that bullshit about like "Finn wanted Sam in the club bc he was looking for someone to take over his legacy when he was gone" like shut the fuck up that actually sounds insane. Don't fucking do that. Finn is just a dude. Just make him be a kind of chill and cool dude with his heart in the right place but he slips up and makes mistakes bc he's still human. He doesn't use slurs or out anyone. He isn't constantly beating people up. He doesn't attack a sex worker, thanks. Maybe don't make him a serial cheater either, that would be nice

As for Sebastian, yeah, no, you can scrap him completely. He isn't interesting or fun and it actually drives me insane that he's the fifth most popular character on ao3. You can have your own preferences, you can like a little rich bitch bratty bad boy villain wannabe. But knowing that that many people are so far up his butt makes me wanna scream lol

Shelby, I would change her plotline by having her end up in jail. That would be a nice arc for her character

Will, I would change him by having him be a decent teacher. Broke: himbo Finn. Woke: himbo Will. He's kind and tries his best but he is shockingly dumb. Doesn't realize his wife isn't really pregnant for like five months?? The pieces are there. He sometimes lets himself be bulldozed in his own classroom but when other students talk, he listens. Takes their suggestions, actually shines a light on everyone, helps them improve and lets everyone have their moment in the spotlight. In the end everyone loves him and when he wins teacher of the year, it doesn't feel like a hollow bullshit contrivance

Sue. Either make her drop the villain shtick by about s3, or get rid of her entirely. Talk about going around in circles. I really think she was the worst of it. It got sooo old and boring and it was the same thing for six seasons. So have her be an ally to the club come s3, after her sister's funeral bc that makes sense. Or just write her off. Idc how

Don't ever let Rory set fucking foot on this show. Sorry to the actor but that character was partially responsible for why s3 went down the fucking shitter. He was terrible, and having to write plots about being Irish made early s3 a fucking joke

Oh and I would magically make it so that the viewers of the show have some common fucking sense. And if a character is being racist or a bigot or just a general cunt, there wouldn't be 2395890 compilation videos on youtube praising them for being brutally honest or sassy or hilarious or what have you. :) You know, if I had THAT kind of power

So yeah those are my thoughts. Took me a while to answer but I appreciate the ask!

[emakenz]

SELF INDULGENT HANNIBAL X READER FANFICTION PROMPT

I do not know what this is, if it is a drabble or a prompt or short story, I have no clue. Just thoughts in my head. Storylines that are realistic within the canon of the show. I say self indulgent because it's sort of a self insert of myself, but whatever, I dunno. It's almost 7 AM. I would actually write this as a story or drabble or whatever but I don't have the drive, if I have a thought I gotta write it down right then or it disappears. If I wrote fanfics, they wouldn't make sense because my mind wanders so fucking much. I might still do this someday, I dunno, but if anyone wants a crack at it, be my guest. I encourage it, as I'd love to read this as an actual story rather than... what it is. But if you write it, ya gotta make sure you include the big details I write down. The small details like, the whole Jack thing, that's not too important unless you want to keep it for showing character and/or character development. And ya gotta credit and tag me because I'd love to read it, as it is my brain's own little bundle of ideas. Holy shit I'm writing so much here goddamn. Anyway.

. . .

Hannibal is reader's friend and he has an interest in reader. Reader is an artist, they work as a forensic artist for the bureau. They do what the usual forensic artist does, but they also like to draw the crime scenes. They have a fascination with recreating the work of a suspect, it can help them connect dots and understand the suspect's intentions and ideals of commiting the scene of the crime. Reader is kind of like Will, in a sense, as they are on the spectrum but, unlike Will, they are unaware of it. They are an empath, they view everything from different perspectives and try to understand each side, like Will. But you see, Will only looks into the suspects' minds, but reader looks into the suspects, the victims, and even the witnesses' views. Hannibal finds their insight to be valuable (for his own "hobbies", in his career, and just plain interest, of course).

Reader has trouble with Jack yelling at them for "talking back," though in reader's mind they didn't realize what they said could be considered rude, and this happens more often than not. They can't handle loud noises, and Jack's booming voice messes them up. They tend to avoid Jack because of this, as they usually have an internal meltdown and shut off when he blows up.

An example; reader was explaining how the victim of the killer in a specific scene wasn't really the victim, but that they were the actual killer. Will disagreed, as he views the suspected killer to be the actual killer. Because of Will's insistence that reader was wrong, Jack shut reader off mid sentence by interrupting their defense. Jack trusts Will's insight more than reader's because he's known him longer and Will's always been right, so far, and he didn't want to risk messing up. He didn't want to get the investigation incorrect so he didn't take the chance of listening to reader rather than Will.

(In this scenario, the killer is the victim in the scene, and the person that killed them was the killer's intended victim, but the victim they intended to kill was a serial killer as well -- the victim pulled the ol switcheroo on em. So both Will and reader are right. If this doesn't make sense, please let me know, I will try to elaborate more on this if you're actually interested.)

Jack and reader don't have a bad relationship or anything, it's just a lot of miscommunications and underlying issues (like the reader having undiagnosed autism, not being aware that they're socially impaired can, well, impair their work and relationships. Such as here.) Nobody really notices the odd behavior from reader, as Will is like that too, so they don't question it. They all assume it's already understood that reader is autistic.

Reader isn't like Will when it comes to being social, as they are more reserved (as odd as that is, MORE reserved than Will Graham himself?? It's more likely than you'd think.) and don't fidget around with stuff around them. They don't nose around, they keep to themselves, closed off from everyone and everything. Will likes to roam around Dr. Lecter's office and tinker with stuff in the room, but reader is too anxious and shy to do such. Reader hates it when people come into their space (like their room, even their property in general) and they especially don't like it when people nose around in their stuff. It feels rude to them, so they don't do it to others. They don't consider Will to be rude because he does it though, they only consider it rude when a person comes into their space and does it, as reader would make it clear that they don't feel comfortable with people doing such. They wouldn't want a person unknowingly seem rude to them, they would inform them beforehand, but if the person still does it, then that's rude to reader. Call it being territorial, reader is just cautious about their property.

If reader is in a conversation, and being asked questions about themself, they usually just give short and simple answers. They don't like to talk about theirself. And they especially don't like letting people know them well. They are very cautious about relationships. They don't want to get hurt. They have a major rejection sensitivity disorder. They hate that about themself.

It's not that reader is cut off from the world and dismissive of others, they do like to talk and joke around occasionally. They're sarcastic yet literal, depending on the topic of conversation. They just don't give more input than they believe necessary. They're more of a listener (by that I mean they space out when a person is excessively talking to them. They can only handle so much.).

Hannibal notices reader's quiet, timid behavior and wants them to find some release, therefore he engages in conversations with them, though it is hard for them to keep the conversation going, he still pushes. He wants them to let loose, to trust him, so he can bond with them. He is aware of reader's autism, but he will only bring it up when he deems it's important. He knows everyone else knows and that reader doesn't, but he wants to see if reader would eventually figure it out on their own (they don't, he brings it up to them eventually). He's also aware that reader has anxiety and ADHD, with the occasional depression and mood swings. Reader is somewhat self aware of those parts of themself though, it's not a big deal. Reader doesn't really care about their mental health until Hannibal comes in and becomes Dr. Lecter to reader. They're not actually his patient but he will treat them as such when he feels they need a therapy session. Reader doesn't like the idea of therapy at all, not for them. Hannibal has to be discreet when getting them to open up. It works sometimes. Other times, reader just changes the subject to avoid the topic of theirself. While Hannibal does still have an interest in Will, reader is more of a craving for Hannibal's appetite. Hannibal sees reader as a rare delicacy that suits his taste, but he never gets enough, and he always wants more. Will can satisfy him in his interest, but reader doesn't give in to him like Will does. Reader is more hesitant, even when they are comfortable. Eye contact never ceases making reader uneasy, they can't hold it more than a few seconds, though Will can hold it as time goes on, reader can't. Will and reader's relationship is close, as reader relates to Will a lot, and vice versa. They connect. Reader likes to help with the dogs and assist in fixing motors and even go fishing with him. They're pretty much best friends. They're more open with Will than anybody else, as much as Hannibal envies Will for that, he also likes to learn about reader from Will. Since reader doesn't really open up to Hannibal willingly and knowingly, he uses Will for information. Will gives him what he wants, it's not a secret that they talk about reader often, it's just that reader doesn't engage in their talks so they make do. Whether Will has a crush on reader is a mystery, reader is unaware and Hannibal wouldn't allow it if he did. Will knows that Hannibal likes reader, he knows that if he had a crush, it's more than likely going to hurt him more than anything. Hannibal often attempts to get reader's attention in different ways, but reader never understands the message is for them. Will knows he can't be honest with reader as he's afraid that reader would feel uncomfortable around him if he did. He doesn't let himself crave reader after seeing Hannibal attempt to ease his own cravings for them, and seeing how that panned out, he knows he doesn't have a chance with reader if Hannibal of all people doesn't. Reader doesn't really... understand romance. They are capable of feeling romantic, but they don't know how to identify their feelings, so emotions are never clear for them. They feel everything but they don't understand anything.

Hannibal does get reader to give in but it takes a lot of time and effort to pry them open. Once reader is bare, they become insecure and vulnerable. They panic and get scared, and shutdown. Hannibal is a therapist and he knows how to handle this, though, and helps reader. He becomes their guide. Reader thrives off of independence but Hannibal slowly takes their need of independence away, having reader rely on him more and more. It makes him feel powerful. His cravings are nourished at this point in time, he's more addicted than ever, and reader is the center of his world. I guess you could say Hannibal is yandere-esque, not my intention but that's the vibes I'm getting from this. He's overprotective and possessive of reader once he has them under his wing.

What attracts Hannibal to reader is the same reason he's interested in Will. He enjoys having someone clever enough to understand him, to climb over his tall walls. Reader doesn't mean to do this, reader just sees him, and unlike Will, accepts him immediately. Reader never disliked Hannibal, reader's just cautious, as I've stated time and time again. Something about reader's mix of strong empathy but lack of understanding compels Hannibal. Reader sees and infers well enough (guessing close enough to what others think) but they can't really grasp it and latch onto it for theirself. They can't understand the feelings, but they can guess on them, and they can sure as hell feel em. They have trouble explaining stuff to others, and they try to always compare something to something else. They see something as a different thing than what others see. (An example, reader sees the shape and color and texture of a giant hotpocket in the ground, while others see a patch of dirt where grass hasn't grown) (I don't mean they literally see a hot pocket but they make the connection that it looks like a hot pocket) (that example is specific, as it is personal experience LMFAO)

This being said, they can be wrong a lot of the time when they try to infer a killer's intentions, as they sometimes just can't see the intentions being anything else than what they see. They have to rely on others for reference, to mimic their thinking patterns and then make a final guess at the killer's intentions. That's why Will and them connect so easily, as Will usually thinks straight AND helps reader figure it out in their own view. They help the team with investigations for other perspectives while Will helps with the "finalized" guess on the case. If this doesn't make sense, I can give another example, as I don't really know how else to word this. I doubt anyone will actually read any of this and I'm fine with that, I'm just rambling about my ideas. I swear to god though, if someone takes this idea without credit (in general, like the big picture of it) I will cry so so hard you will drown in my tears. Deadass.

Enjoy my rambles ig :)

[brw]

Tony Stark and Reed Richards for the character ask thing

TONY STARK

how i feel about this character: 😬 ngl i... don't care for him. at all. i don't vehemently hate him, there's definitely times where i appreciate him & his personality but it's few and far between and i... genuinely do not get the hype. i think its mostly mcu fans' fault for my dislike, its just he's fucking EVERYWHERE now, it's impossible to miss him? like he plays a big role in EVERY avengers comic now, he gets ongoing titles all the time, and it's just so frustrating especially when you consider characters who used to be more or less on the same level on them (like hank pym! who, by the way, has been dead for 6 consecutive years! that would never happen with tony!) or even more popular than him now get streamlined because of the mcu's popularity. by himself, i don't really mind him that much, but with how famous he is now and how large and frankly annoying his fan base is i just... now really do not like the character.

all the people i ship romantically with this character: short list here; reed, because i find their dymanic of reed as someone who does everything for his family and will do everything and anything he can to protect their interests above everyone else but also wants to keep his hands clean and believes, genuinely, in the good of the world, and tony as someone who will do horrendous things in the name of the greater good who always has the bigger picture in mind interesting. i also don't know a lot about it but he seems cute with rhodey? even if i think rhodey deserves a bigger chance to be his own character away from tony as is sometimes denied i can always appreciate a good best friends to lovers dymanic :)

my non romantic otp for this character: um? i honestly don't know 😭 i don't like him enough to say, i guess him n reed again? him n rhodey again? help 😭😭😭

my unpopular opinion of this character: he does not deserve the fame he has. like, i dont mean to sound jealous or whatever but pre 2007 movie he was not the most well liked character or even that popular. like obviously he had fans because he had solo series on and off for a very long time but it just feels SO ridiculous that tony stark has a bigger fandom than the fucking fantastic four. THE FANTASTIC FOUR. marvel's first superhero team, and yet??? like okay. he might have things to offer i don't see. he obviously does, i mean, he got three movies and multiple solo series. but he has most certainly not got enough as a character to overshadow the fantastic four, the x-men, etc and i will never forgive the mcu & mcu fans (and mark miller, he deserves blame too) for making it so. again, by himself he's fine but it is ridiculous to me that a one note white character that appeared in his third film (harley keener or... whatever) has 2000s more fics than THE PROTAGONIST OF INTO THE SPIDERVERSE, MILES MORALES. it is just... so vile and frustrating to me.

one thing i wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: he didn't exist <3 jk jk um i'm not sure? i guess it would be funny if he was like... stick thin underneath the armour. like idk. he's in the armour 24/7 it makes sense to me for him to be a skinny little nerd under there. like completely fucking small. like you can't be a superhero AND be a billionaire and avoid all those taxes AND run the avengers AND run multiple massive corporations and still work out... even if you take away eating and sleeping there's just not enough time... it would be funny if he was just a tiny little boy underneath all that djndndbf

my otp: gonna say him and rhodey again. like i say, can never resist a good best friends to lovers dymanic.

my cross over ship: jdjshdhdh literally none i don't think about him enough to consider it <3

headcanon fact: 100% think he was the one to offer reed that money to star in a p*rno it's just so funny to me to imagine dhsnndnd

REED RICHARDS

how i feel about this character: HE'S MY BOY! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! like i guess it's paradoxical considering how similar he is to tony in some ways but man i just love reed so much. i so genuinely think reed richards is what tony stark fans want him to be. like they (mcu fans) make up elaborate headcanons of him being a good dad and an ethical billionaire and its like no that's reed richards? canonically he's gone broke bc he refuses to get money off his inventions... u have the wrong man... anyway he's also an asexual LEGEND i do not take criticism and ofc. autistic icon. literally he's so autistic it makes me <3 i love him dearly.

all the people i ship romantically with this character: it would be easier to list the people i DON'T ship with him lol. sue, obviously, victor ofc, and ben are the big ones, but i just LOVE his dymanic with t'challa and i think they would rlly work it... i also love the idea of him with namor, idk with victor it's just so funny to imagine reed as like. bizarrely attractive to rulers of foreign countries. blackagar faces the same problem <3 i also do believe him n hank pym dated in college for a bit... all their weird little microaggressions towards each other just makes me feel that way... again i do like him w/ tony and i made this weird au where he and emma frost got together which if prompted i WILL talk about. probably. more but yeah <3

my non romantic otp for this character: while i do LOVE them together as lovers i just love. benreed generally <3 like they're LITERALLY besties they love each other sm and i'm tired of pretending they don't????? so many people ignore this relationship and it makes me so sad!!! they're best friends they love each other fight for each other fight with each other theyre literally besties... smh put some respect on the benreed name 😤

my unpopular opinion of this character: i don't think this is that unpopular but it is in certain circles so! i genuinely think reed is the best marvel dad! like you can talk abt others all u want but the fact is that reed is the only character i can think of who has always been there in his kid's lives and has consistently put their needs first. like not saying other characters are bad but even at his worst writing he's always done his best for his kids and certainly has been full of love for them. other characters at their worse have. murdered their own kids <3 genuinely he's the best marvel dad and sure there's not a lot of competition but. yeah <3

one thing i wish would happen/had happened with this character: I WANT A CANONICAL AUTISM DIAGNOSIS NOW. literally he is SO autistic & there are... no big autistic marvel characters! at all! literally none! the closest we have is legion (who was written in an incredible ableist way and autism hasnt been used to describe him in a solid 30 years) and monet (and it turned out it wasn't monet but one of her twin sisters impersonating her :/) so it would just mean so much to see a canonically autistic character like reed who is older & has a wife and kids who he loves and who they love in return on panel. like so much of the rep we DO have is like, young kids or teens and idk an autistic adult would just mean so much to me. especially one like reed who is as selfless & loving as he is.

my otp: tie between doomreed and reedsue! any option that gets this noodle nerd lots of love i'm good for tbh

my cross over ship: him and ralph dibney from dc should date... they have so much in common... stretchy autistic man who's very smart and kind of silly who loves his wife sue who pegs him 🥴 they'd have so much to talk about sjbdhdhd also imagining the look on ben's face realising there's TWO of them is. so funny.

headcanon fact: he's aromantic he's asexual and neither of these stop him from his very meaningful & passionate relationship with his wife :)

assorted character ask game!

[dancedance-resolution]

here's my design for goty 2022 (in an au where copyright isn't an issue)

FACTS

name: nia mahdi

age: 11

ethnicity: persian

religion: muslim

family: nia is an only child. she was born in charlottesville, va, after parents immigrated there from iran.

notes: nia is autistic and trans <3

DOLL

face mold: nia would get a new face mold that is designed based on ethnically persian features

skin tone: 25 ("tan skin with warm neutral undertones")

eye color: dark brown

freckles: yes

hair cut: wavy, very long (kanani length)

hair color: dark brown

meet outfit: a trans pride flag colored scrunchy for her hair, a light blue zip-up sweatshirt that says "i am proud to be autistic" on the back, this t-shirt (a light blue t-shirt with fan art of dreamer with a trans pride flag cape) beneath that sweatshirt, these shorts (pastel plaid knee-length shorts), lindsey's striped leggings beneath those shorts, and sperry shoes

meet accessories: bright purple ear defenders, an AAC tablet, a doll-sized version of the 2021 dc pride comic book, this pink kryptonite chewelry

BOOK 1

(these books would have three authors - me, an author who is muslim and a second generation immigrant, and an author who is a trans woman of color. the reason for three authors is so that we can tell nia's story authentically - i'm autistic and have autism gender like nia, the second author is muslim and an immigrant like nia, and the third author is specifically a trans woman of color like nia.)

in chapter 1 we'll briefly go over this background information:

nia came out to her parents as trans on the car ride home from the last day of first grade. she chose the name "nia" because she wanted to name herself after nia nal, a character on her favorite show (supergirl) because nia nal is trans like she is, nia nal is an alien (and nia mahdi oftentimes feels like an alien around other humans), and nia nal is a really cool superhero! (unspoken: nia nal is nia mahdi's special interest.)

it took nia mahdi's parents a little bit of time to wrap their heads around her truth, but soon, they fully accepted nia for who she is.

that summer, her parents informed nia's school of her correct name, pronouns, and gender. and nia started growing out her hair, and she's never cut it since! nia loves her long hair.

when nia started second grade, nia's classmates sometimes accidentally called her by the wrong name and pronouns, but they always apologized and corrected themselves when nia pointed out their mistake. a few kids were confused, but once nia explained that she knows she's a girl just as well as you know you're a boy/girl, they all understood and accepted her :)

now onto the real content of the first book, which takes place from september to december:

nia's just started sixth grade at a new middle school. it's really loud, big, and hard. but she has a friend, ender. ender doesn't speak english well (he moved to america from turkey just last year), but that's okay because nia has trouble speaking sometimes too.

one day, nia's parents take her to a doctor, and she has to answer a lot of questions and take a lot of tests.

a few weeks later, nia's parents sit her down and tell her that she has been diagnosed with autism.

nia researches autism and feels very relieved and validated. (unspoken: autism becomes one of nia's special interests.)

at school, nia gets some cool accomodations: she's allowed to wear ear defenders at lunch and in the hallways, she can keep a tablet in her backpack to use for AAC when necessary, and she can use the school's sensory break room when necessary.

one time, nia gets very upset after receiving a "bad grade" on a reading test. a few of the questions asked her to identify characters' emotions, motivations, etc., and nia wants to explain to her teacher that her autism makes "emotional reading between the lines" hard for her. but she's so upset that her mouth isn't working properly, so she uses her AAC to talk to the teacher.

after that, one of nia's classmates makes a rude comment about her AAC. speaking through her AAC, nia explains to him why she uses her AAC. she stands up for herself.

in her free time, nia keeps researching autism and disability justice advocacy. she begins to think that her friend ender might be autistic too - he has a lot of autistic traits, and she's never felt alien around him in the way she does around most people.

she tells ender about her theory. ender says he's not sure whether or not he thinks he's autistic. but he does know that the hallways are far too loud, and he would like to be able to wear ear defenders like nia. so nia lends ender her spare pair of ear defenders.

the next day at lunch, ender gives nia back her ear defenders and reveals that he got in trouble for wearing in the hallway. the teacher thought he was wearing headphones and listening to music (which isn't allowed), and ender couldn't remember the english words to explain to her that they were just to shield him from the noise.

nia wants to help ender be able to wear defenders. she schedules a meeting with the guidance counselor. together, she and ender explain to the guidance counselor that ender just wants to wear ear defenders in the loud hallways. the counselor says that ender can't do that since he doesn't have an official accommodations letter.

nia leaves the office very upset. she knows from her research that autism diagnoses are very expensive and hard to get. she wants to find a way to get ender this accommodation without an official letter.

so nia makes a plan: she and ender write a long essay explaining why ender should be allowed to wear ear defenders.

they present the essay to the counselor, and she's convinced by their arguement. ender is now allowed to wear ear defenders in the hallway :)

to celebrate their victory, nia buys ender bright purple ear defenders (the same type she has) so that they can match :)

and that's the end of book 1

BOOK 2

book 2 takes place from january to march

nia goes on puberty blockers. nia's glad that she won't have to go through male puberty, but she also feels weird about it. nia is very excited to start wearing a hijab, and her mom says that she can start wearing a hijab when she goes through puberty and transitions from being a girl to being a woman. so, if nia isn't going through puberty now, when will she get to start wearing a hijab?

nia talks to ender about her problem. ender suggests that she should talk to her mom about it.

nia talks to her mom about her concerns. nia's mom explains that the shift from girl to woman involves more than just her body changing: it involves growth, strength of spirit, and learning about oneself. nia's mom will be able to tell when she's ready to start wearing the hijab, even if nia isn't going through puberty. nia feels a lot better now.

the next day at lunch, nia tells ender the good news. he is very happy for her. he then tells nia that he's scared of puberty too. he asks nia how she knew she was a girl, and nia explains how it was this strong internal feeling. ender reveals that he feels like he's not a boy or a girl. he's afraid that that means he's weird or broken. nia explains that he's not weird or broken - some people are non-binary, which means that they're not fully a boy or fully a girl. ender really likes that word. nia also tells ender that some non-binary like to use the gender-neutral pronouns "they/them" and asks ender if he would like her to start using those pronouns for him. ender says that he's not sure. he likes he/him pronouns, he thinks, at least for now. nia smiles and tells him that she's proud of him.

the spring dance is in march. nia and her mom go shopping for an oufit. at first, nia drifts towards the pretty dresses. she loves how they look and feels great in them, but she wants to try on suits too. she feels a little bit insecure when she realizes that she loves how she looks in the suit too. (plus, this navy suit will go better with her purple ear defenders than the colorful dresses will.) she's scared that her classmates will think she's not a "real girl" if she comes to the dance in a suit, but then she remembers her conversation with ender - when ender asked her how she knew she's a girl, her answer was that it was just something she knew. her gender isn't defined by her clothing preferences - she's just as much of a real girl in this suit as in those dresses. so nia buys the suit, and she feels very happy and confident.

at the dance, she finds that ender is wearing a skirt (and a tuxedo shirt and blazer). she runs up to him, and they both happy stim. they have a lot of fun dancing and snacking on cheez its together.

BOOK 3

book 3 takes place from april to june

the main plot of book 3 is going to be nia's grandmother visiting from iran for three months. nia learns a lot of new information about her family culture.

in june, to celebrate the end of the school year, nia's school has a multi-cultural night.

ender signs up to bring in some traditional turkish food and share some of the poetry his dad has written in turkish. he encourages nia to sign up for multi-cultural night too!

so nia signs up.

together, nia and her grandmother cook a ton of traditional iranian food to share at the celebration. she and her grandmother also work together to sew a special kaftan for nia.

the night of the celebration, nia dresses up in her kaftan and grabs the containers of food. as she's getting ready to leave, her father asks her to stop so he can take a picture of her. her mother says, "wait! i have one other thing for the picture!" (but spoken in faarsi). she emerges with a hijab for nia. she helps nia put on the hijab and tells nia that she's seen how nia's grown into a woman this past school year (aka, over the course of these 3 books). nia is so happy that she cries.

at the multi-cultural night, everyone loves the food and nia's kaftan and hijab. when ender sees nia's hijab, he starts happy stimming, and nia starts happy stimming too.

that's all my plans for goty 2022!