#the actual post is for the punchline of the joke

[ohboyhowdybuckaroo]

👉👈 the silliness inspired me to make it even more dramatic, so i wrote a thing. hope this is okay. if not, just let me know and i can delete this post.

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Satoru doesn't think the people in his life really get him, y'know?

Yaga had always been heartless and cruel, so his betrayal came as no surprise to Satoru. "He's been gone for almost a decade now, Satoru. You have to let it go." Like it was possible for Satoru to do that-- to just let go of something-- of someone so tied to him that he might as well be woven into Satoru's DNA and embroidered on the surface of his soul. His fingerprints weren't just tattooed on Satoru's skin, but branded into him in every single place he so much as brushed his fingertips.

So, no, Satoru couldn't just, "let it go," Yaga. Satoru thought that advice was so hilariously wrong that he started laughing and didn't stop laughing loudly enough to drown out Yaga's bonus terrible advice on the way out the door until he was out of sight.

"Satoru, you can't drop a first grade curse on someone else just because you don't want to think about it," even though Satoru told Yaga it was the first place they ever actually hung out and talked after a mission without trying to rip each other's head off. They were stranded while the manager in charge of them busied himself with getting a popped tire replaced. So, as you can see, Satoru couldn't go there yet!

It was too soon. Not when he could still remember the way Suguru laughed at a joke that Satoru couldn't remember the setup or the punchline of now even though he came up with it. All Satoru knew was that it made Suguru smile and that was all he needed. It was too soon for him to go there even ten years later. He might need another decade or two before he stops seeing ghosts out of the corner of his eyes that mocked him with the familiarity of their smile.

And Megumi-- Well, Megumi stopped answering Satoru's calls a while ago. You know how kids are at that age. Middle school is a tough time! It wasn't for Satoru, of course, because he succeeded at everything he did. (Except for... one thing. Satoru swallowed to get rid of the lump in his throat.) Megumi, though? He definitely had a weird enough face that people would want to bully him. Satoru knows because he looks at that face at least once a week and has the urge to give him a noogie or shove him in a locker. The bullies wouldn't stand a chance, but that could still set the tone for his attitude this year.

When Satoru did get the chance to talk to Megumi, he always said something so rude, like, "This isn't my business. Stop talking to me about it." Or, "Stop showing up here. You aren't welcome," when Tsumiki herself welcomed Satoru in for dinner, Megumi. Stop being mean.

Nanami wasn't much better. "Stop following me," was his go-to when Satoru found him outside of his boring, new office job he's been at for a couple years now. "He slaughtered an entire village. You coddle him too much, even now," was Nanami's go-to when Satoru so much as bothered to mention his missing best friend.

It's funny. Satoru could remember Nanami saying that same thing to Suguru while referring to Satoru when they were still in high school. It was like he stepped into a reality that developed wrong. It had to be the worst timeline if Satoru could be accused of coddling Suguru for once.

Satoru knew what Suguru did. Of course he knew. He could remember being devastated when Yaga stopped him to tell him what happened. He remembered how it felt to have his world crumbling around him in excruciating detail when Suguru, his Suguru, turned his back on him. Suguru was the only person in the world who could make Gojo Satoru feel small period, let alone in so few words.

Shoko, to her credit, was unbothered by anything Satoru had to say as long as he didn't get in the way of her work. Satoru often found himself in the morgue with Shoko when he wasn't out exorcizing curses or getting a beauty nap in. Occasionally, she might kick him out when he got particularly distracting, but that wasn't the case today. He sat behind where she stayed standing. Shoko stood before a table and was scanning her notes to prepare for opening up the newly-deceased corpse that was brought in not even an hour ago.

Satoru was slack in his seat on the bench against a wall that only seemed to have a use when he was in there. His head was tilted up, but Satoru wasn't looking at anything. His eyes were closed and he could see Suguru's face glued to the back of his eyelids. At least Suguru hadn't been able to make the morgue more of a downer than it already was by taking himself away from it. Shoko and, by extension, Satoru only gained access to the morgue when she came back with a fraudulent degree. That was after Suguru left. Funny (Read: It's really fucked up to him personally) how Satoru's life felt like it's been split into two parts: before he left and after he left.

Suguru couldn't make the morgue worse, for sure. There's also this encroaching realization that even the hollow feelings he had when in a familiar place devoid of what made it special a lifetime ago were a thousand times better than the hollow feelings he had sitting in a place with no evidence of Suguru's existence. Aside from, of course, Satoru himself.

"I'm just saying. The higher-ups are wrong and I know what you're thinking,” Satoru began and mimicked Shoko's voice poorly, “‘But Satoru! What else is new?’ See, they're pretending all of their problems are a part of some evil plot that Suguru has going on behind the scenes." Satoru's mouth cradled the name like it was something that could either break in his hands or break him; An elaborate art piece camouflaging a bomb. “And, sure, Suguru might be doing something murder-y every once in a while like the rest of us, but this is a sorcerer. Suguru's never been a threat to sorcerers. It's the only reason they haven't put him higher up on the priority list. So–”

“Satoru,” Shoko interrupted rudely while she looked over the notes on her clipboard when Satoru was only fifteen minutes into convincing Shoko he was right. “I know this isn't part of Suguru's body count.” Which was, frankly, a terrible way to put it. Satoru knew Shoko was referring to how many people Suguru had killed. (Around 203 now if Satoru was right in his guesstimate of his modus operandi and he hadn't missed any deaths in his time scouring the news both in the wider world and in sorcerer society in the past few years.) Satoru wondered distantly if his Body Count™ was still at one even if that “one” encompassed a few years of hormonal hookups.

“Oh… then why are you dissecting those bodies?” Satoru finally asked before the spark of jealousy he felt was given more space to burn. “Haven't the higher ups been breathing down your neck about him?”

Shoko didn’t even look his way, but Satoru could still see the bemused, if annoyed look on her face she always wore when Satoru was pouring out his heart to her. See? No one gets him. “Just because Suguru wasn't involved doesn't mean I shouldn't determine the cause of death, Satoru.”

“Oooh, ‘cause of death,’” Satoru tried to mimic the voice of a grizzled detective from a western movie he watched so long ago; a different time in a different place with a different person that sent a familiar pang through his chest. “Fancy words from someone who cheated through medical school!”

“That still only makes one of us with a medical degree, Satoru,” Shoko almost sounded like she was daring Satoru to go to college so he could have a stronger claim on giving her shit.

“Well, one of us is busy guiding the next generation of the sorcerer world into the future,” Satoru said pointedly and waved away the thought of medical school. “That deserves my undivided attention! Maybe I’ll go once you start to wither away from years of alcoholism and poisoning your lungs. It could be a fun hobby.” For now, Satoru knew enough about his own biology to maintain himself with reversed curse energy and that was good enough in his humble opinion.

In his mind's eye, Satoru pictured the candidates for the first years that would be moving in at the start of the new school year.

Panda was a done deal. Satoru spent plenty of time with him since he was made and he could say with certainty that it was going to be absolutely hilarious watching his classmate(s) learn to casually communicate with a realistic panda. There was something endlessly funny seeing new people interact with such a tall animal that visually straddled the uncanny border between a real panda and a man in a mascot suit.

Panda was the only done deal, though. Inumaki Toge was the only other sorcerer they could find around that age that could potentially join. It's a shame the kid's continued existence would be a hot topic among the higher ups until he dies. Satoru made a mental note to check in with the higher ups and see what they've been arguing about on that front. Maybe he could pull a few strings.

The Inumaki clan wasn't as famous as the big three sorcerer clans, but it was even more infamous. Official sorcerer history they tried to peddle off to students claimed that the Inumaki clan had always been dangerous. They were criminals, zealots, cult leaders, terrorists, and every other piece of dirt that the big three could throw at them over the years. Satoru didn't often believe official sorcerer society history. While the personal accounts of his own ancestors were just as biased as the other clans’, he could at least cross-reference records from the Kamo and Zenin clans with his own and piece together a more realistic story. (With a little sneaking around, of course. They might move their clan’s secret illegal records if they realize Satoru found where they hid them again.)

A Sorcerer Society history textbook existed, but it was first drafted by a tyrannical Sorcerer General from the Kamo clan who particularly despised the Inumaki clan head. He died over a century ago and left a text that would sew misfortune into the fates of any curse users born into the Inumaki clan for generations to come. Some addendums were made when any new events impacted sorcerer society in a meaningful way, but the bulk of the text had barely changed with each new printed edition. Satoru read every edition of that damn thing front-to-back after he decided to teach, so he could confidently say that it was never altered more than it was added to. As you can imagine, it only spoke of the stilted view of an old man too self-righteous to recognize his own hypocrisy.

Personally, Satoru found it to be an insult to the intelligence of his up-and-coming pupils to think they would ever fall for propaganda! They might be idiots, but they might not be, so it was rude of the higher ups to assume that all of his students would be idiots when statistically only one or two of them would be.

That was the nature of teaching: Teach indiscriminately! Even and especially the stupidest ones! Anyone can learn to ignore propaganda and recognize the flaws in the system they were being raised in with the right guiding hand on critical thinking skills!

Which is also why Satoru wanted to convince the higher ups to let Inumaki Toge attend school at Tokyo Jujutsu High. Most of the Inumaki clan's inherited techniques were incredibly powerful in the right (or wrong) hands. The most prominent of those techniques was one Inumaki Toge had been born with– Cursed speech. Satoru did a little light reading through every clan's oldest and most illegal records once he heard that Toge might end up as one of his precious students.

At the heart of it, the Inumaki clan was as flawed and had as much blood on their hands as any of the big three. The Inumaki clan had some users who used their abilities for personal gain, but they had just as many who cooperated with the big three that were sneered at regardless of their humanitarianism.

Sure, there were thieves, manipulators, and bastards sprinkled throughout the clan's extensive history, but that was par for the course with any bloodline, let alone clans with nearly unlimited power. There were just as many healers, protectors, and leaders in their bloodline as any other. It only took one geriatric asshole with a pen to set an entire bloodline up to be ostracized into the current age. They still had a practice of preventing any Inumaki born with one of their clan techniques from marrying or having children. In the past, it grew to the extreme lengths of body mutilation. Now, Inumaki sorcerers were just strongly discouraged from having children.

Get this: It's illegal for any Inumaki with an inherited technique to have biological kids and it has been illegal for only half a century now. Thinking about the numbers, that meant a completely separate group of clan leaders idolized their ancestors to such an extent as to perpetuate a problem.

Throughout the years, many cursed Inumaki clan members still found love, married, and all that entailed, but had to choose to adopt children or surrogate instead. Some even chose sterilization surgery so they couldn't be suspected of breaking the law. Any Inumaki who was accused of having biological children often died for the offense regardless of the blood-relation of their children. It became a witch hunt throughout history full of unnecessary death and carnage because of one clan head.

There was one particularly old story about a mysterious curse user with a technique that was suspiciously similar to cursed speech. It was told to many young children in the sorcerer world as a warning to stand up to evil and protect the innocent. Satoru's pretty sure it's about the old guy that the Kamo clan head hated enough to curse his entire bloodline. It told a tale of a town controlled puppeted by the curse user. They lived almost comically tortured lives at the hands of the curse user. Then a mysterious sorcerer came and saved the town from the evil cursed speech user's control.

The Gojo clan head at the time had been a dispassionate sellout who hardly had opinions or strong feelings toward anyone or anything, which would usually be annoying if he wasn't so conveniently impartial in his writing. He even got a few personal accounts from some members of the village after the events, and after reading those, Satoru had a theory that the Inumaki clan was only trying to protect their home from invaders. Satoru wished that their clan had records he could snoop through from that time period, but there was this whole fiasco a generation after the fact where all of the Inumaki clan's records were burned to ash. Their lineage restarted on a blurry canvas of half-remembered histories from before then. There were no original copies aside from mostly burnt scrolls that were meters long before they were burned down to a few scraps of text.

It was a messy history that set Toge up for a messy future– one Satoru wanted to make sure he could warn his precious future student about and protect him from! He might know most of that already, but they might be able to bond over their hatred of the higher ups, which is equally as important as Toge knowing that he isn't inherently evil.

Satoru had never subscribed to a “good vs. evil” dichotomy and now was no different. If anything, he had only doubled down on things having more nuance thanks to… well.

A genuine smile and bright purple eyes that crinkled at the corners with an outstretched hand that flashed forward to numbness dulling the color in his eyes in a look sent so callously over his shoulder as he walked away.

...

There's this cute thing Suguru used to do where, if Satoru could make him laugh hard enough, he couldn't contain it down into something quiet and subdued like he typically did to avoid the judgmental stares of passersby. He would laugh so hard that he would get lightheaded and have to tell Satoru not to look at him or talk to him for a second while he settled his laughter and breathed.

Satoru still talked and looked at him until Suguru had to cover his mouth to get him to shut up, but the memory stirred something warm in his chest that felt empty when Suguru was all the way somewhere else and Satoru was stuck alone talking to a busy Shoko or the unfortunate corpse she would have to cut into that day. Yaga tried to tell him that feeling was called, ‘nostalgia,’ but Satoru would disagree. It was hard to put a finger on the exact term, but ‘nostalgia’ just felt too toned down. Nostalgia was more like a quiet mourning for the past that was ultimately harmless.

What Satoru felt was more like Suguru decided to hollow Satoru out until he was nothing but flesh and bones before he left. Satoru could start to find the right things to feel less hollow, but it opened a latch to hollow him out once more every time he thought about Suguru– If Suguru would be proud of him for all the hard work he did, how Suguru would probably get a kick out of picking out souvenirs for their friends and students with him, if Suguru had lost anymore weight, whether Suguru would like the new futon Satoru splurged on for their bedroom, or if Suguru even still had the same phone number since no one ever answers when he calls. (Satoru clearly wasn't blocked since it rings more than once every time, so Satoru keeps calling. Even a potential line to Suguru and a robotic, personality-less voicemail box was better than nothing.)

The only thing that kept Satoru reading these goddamn history texts was remembering the warmth in Suguru's voice when he used to say, “You worked hard. Good job, Satoru.” He could hear it in the back of his mind every time he knew he did something Suguru used to approve of. Satoru was starting to wonder if Suguru meant to do that to him when he smiled at him like that. He wouldn't be surprised. Suguru could convince Satoru that the sky is green if he said it with that same proud smile– like Satoru's successes, no matter how big or small, were feats meant to celebrate and not a bar that only raised higher each time Satoru leapt over it.

“It's just,” Satoru’s lips curled ever so slightly downward, “I know him, y'know? And it's like people are just trying to blow everything out of proportion with all that. Suguru slaughtered one village which, don't get me wrong, not the best. That doesn't mean he's the source of every problem that pops–”

“Satoru,” Shoko rudely interrupted Satoru once more and set her clipboard down. “You're starting to justify mass murder again.”

“Yeah…” Satoru admitted and sent a thumbs up Shoko's way that she didn't see. “I'm still right, though.”

“Statistically, it takes at most a year to get over a breakup,” Shoko mentioned as if that was somehow at all relevant for Satoru's situation right now. “Sure, there are outliers, but eight years might be extreme even on the far end of the spectrum.”

“Technically, we're on a break. Suguru didn't say he was breaking up with me, so.” Satoru could remember that among every other minute detail down to the eerily steady way Suguru spoke while he took a sledgehammer to Satoru’s entire world. Shoko actually looked at Satoru with raised, judgmental eyebrows.

“What?”

“He still has his ring, too.”

“How do you even know that?”

“It wasn't in his room when he left.”

“The ring that you spent a ludicrous amount of money on?” Satoru hummed proudly as an affirmative. “How do you know he didn't just take it so he could sell it or get a pawn loan with it?”

“Because–”

“Look, that isn't important,” Shoko said even though it was the one thing important enough to keep Satoru from going completely numb some days. “Satoru, when was the last time you talked to someone new who wasn't just conveniently around you?” Satoru opened his mouth, “Strangers trying to run away from you don't count.”

That was more of a head scratcher. Satoru didn't put the time in to scratch his head over it, though. Instead, he pivoted. “Geez. I'm gonna have to start carrying a, ‘Get over it, Satoru!’ jar for every time I hear something stupid like that.”

“I was close to Suguru too, but the world moves on. He left and we have to accept his decisions. Plus, if you keep stressing over this, you're more likely to die young.” And Satoru might have listened to her if he wasn't too busy scoffing at the attempted comparison.

“Suguru liked me more,” Satoru interjected just to keep the facts straight.

“I'm not going to argue with you about this. I don't have the time for a lecture from you. I barely have time to talk to you about this right now,” Shoko punctuated her words by pulling a mask to hook around both of her ears. “There are millions, if not billions of people in the world who might look, act, or treat you like Suguru did, but you choose to cling to someone who rejected you.”

Satoru was stunned enough that his jaw went slack. Nothing about that made any sense. When he could finally form words, he scoffed, “Why would I cheat on Suguru like that? I didn't know you took this kinda thing that lightly. Man, you almost made me feel bad for Utahime.” When Shoko didn't respond, Satoru rolled his head back again.

“Suguru's not replaceable,” and that might be the most serious Satoru has ever sounded. Then his voice dropped into something low. “He was my best friend…”

At what point do individual instances become mere drops in an ocean of memories shared between two people? With most people, the experience eventually faded into a single, solitary mass. With Satoru, he could run through every individual drop in that ocean where he was around Suguru in painstaking detail. (Admittedly, Satoru doesn’t think he spent nearly enough time unabashedly admiring how pretty Suguru was when they were still getting to know each other, but he had most of the details down.)

“The only one I had,” it was a solemn murmur that Shoko's heartlessness offered no sympathy to. Satoru didn't really want sympathy, but it was better than whatever it is Shoko thought she was doing when she opened her mouth again.

“Well, you're still young! There are plenty more fish in the sea,” Shoko said. For a moment, Satoru had to wonder if she was even speaking Japanese for how little those words made sense to him.

Satoru tipped his head up to stare at her back while she cut into the latest corpse. He almost hoped this was a joke and he just had to wait for the punchline. Then he remembered that Shoko was a lot less funny nowadays. Did Shoko really not get it either? Suguru was the moon that pulled the tides, not some stupid fish swept up in them.

Huh. Guess Shoko really didn't get it.

“What an odd thing to say.”

👉👈

[thegroundsofbrooklyn]

tumblr have you MET me

[coolxatu]

she allegoried on my cave til i [JOKE PENDING]

[skywalkr-nberrie]

One of the biggest arguments I’ve seen used by the Ob*d*l*s against Anidala, is that scene in the ROTS novel where Padmé says she could trust OW with the secret of the rebellion and was hesitant to tell Anakin and I just wanna say:

Padmé wasn't an idiot. She was an extremely intelligent and competent woman, perfectly able to understand that loving Anakin and thinking that he could be trusted with a certain politic-related matter were two very different things and reducing her choice regarding who to trust with an important political matter only on the basis of her feelings of romantic love diminishes her professionalism, and this is why I say y'all could never understand her.

Padmé didn’t have to "love" OW or even like him at all to know he was the perfect Jedi to ask for help in a secret political matter.

That's the point being made in the novel, she’s hit with the realization that Anakin in this particular moment could not be told this piece of info because of his relationship with Palpatine, and Padmé specifically mentions in the Junior ROTS novel that she didn't want to make Anakin “keep a secret” if he didn’t agree with their stance because it’d be “unfair.” So this also played a part in why Padmé didn’t think it best to inform Anakin about the Rebellion. It honestly had little to do with her actually lacking trust in him, and more to do with the circumstances she was in not allowing her to be open with her husband and her not wanting to make him choose between his wife and his “father figure.”

However, Padmé knows OW’s political ideas aren't tied to ONE particular person but to a philosophy, one which is closer to her own, at that point. None of this was ever meant to be hinted as “romantic” or even remotely insinuated as romantic. It’s strictly professional and even the tone of the scene makes that so abundantly clear.

All I’m saying is that, some of these proshippers are doing the most out here to try and prove their ship, like my loves? You forgot a very important thing called ✨ context ✨ and regardless of her rational thinking, Padmé still went out of her way to try and talk out all of this Rebellion secrecy stuff with Anakin when she confronted him in the scene where she asks if he ever thought they were “fighting on the wrong side.” Padmé didn’t trust OW in the same way she trusted Anakin (with her entire self and being) she had the level of trust and love for Anakin that was only meant for him.

Mixing up her unwavering faith in Anakin as her husband with her trust in OW’s devotion to duty as her comrade/ally is purposely deluding yourself, because the two aren’t the same and therefore can’t be compared. An example of this is: Padmé constantly putting more value to Anakin’s words over OW’s in the end of ROTS when he came to tell her of Anakin’s “crimes”. She completely disregarded what OW had claimed about her husband and instead made her way to where Anakin was herself, to ask him directly. Despite what the truth was, this is proof of her trusting Anakin unconditionally, and I didn’t even think I had to spell that out because it’s as clear as day.

In conclusion, Padmé didn’t trust OW more than Anakin, she just knew the circumstances she was in didn’t exactly make it easy for her to openly talk with her husband about these matters and that’s part of what played into the issues they had in ROTS, it’s exactly what Sidious wanted. This scene in the novel doesn’t exist to imply some hidden romantic undertone that George was intending all along. No, far from that. George was always an “open, , clear and easy to understand” type of storyteller, so if the former was the case, this scene wouldn’t be any different if there was some hidden message or subtext the reader should be made aware of, George would make it obvious. Fact of the matter is, the one and only reason for this scene in the novel to exist is only to show to us as the “reader” that the narrative is tearing apart the Star-Crossed-lovers (Anakin and Padmé.) and visibly putting the two of them on different sides in the story because the consequences of this narrative choice is what will foreshadow and play into the inevitable and great fall of the couple and character in the future. Even the novel makes a very purposeful and clear distinction between “love and trust” in this chapter where all this occurs. Padmé loves Anakin, but knew she had to trust OW with the situation at hand. And if you want to talk “narratively” Padmé needed a reason to keep the Rebellion a secret from Anakin, thus leading to Palpatine to sense “betrayal” in Padmé later on, and using that to his advantage to manipulate Anakin even more into getting him to “suspect” her. It’s all spelt out for us and it’s not hard to miss. All it takes is a little media literacy and understanding context.

(Mind you, hypothetically, if this scene existed for literally any other reason, it would’ve been brought up again, but it wasn’t. It’s only mentioned once and exists for only one moment which was meant to serve a certain narrative and then it was done. There’s not much to make of it since the context of the scene is so clear.)

[notachair]

Since atla is again having an extra surge of popularity, I'm shooting my shot:

[ID: (Rest of image description in alt). At the bottom of the image sits the text: "Zuko: Okay. Well, I can't remember how it starts, but the punchline is "leaf me alone, I'm bushed."" ID end].

Did we ever find out what the setup for this joke was? I feel kinda haunted by it. If not- anyone wanna make their best or worst guesses?

edit: I now know what "I'm bushed" mean, but go ahead anyway 👍

haunted thoughts in tags ↓

[tree-of-olives]

okay hi its me im here for the aforementioned criticism of

disclaimer: i only watched the first half of this movie before leaving in irritation so there is likely more to be added to my points. or less. who knows

this isnt even going to be a criticism of the horrible animation. the movie looks like it was made on an overmodded game of the sims 4 at best. that is pre-established, one glance at this atrocity and you can tell the animation quality is a giant issue for something marketed as a movie. my biggest thing though is the names.

ohh my god. holy shit. THE NAMES.

first of all let me establish my undying love of minion from megamind. i admire that guy with all of my heart. if the original megamind movie was solely about minion i would have been just as if not far more happy with it.

now obviously the copyright joke is relating to despicable me/the minions. but here’s the thing: they didn’t stop saying minion. they just went from calling a primary character minion to calling a DIFFERENT, NON-PRESENT CHARACTER MINION. WHAT.

like. how does just having a character get sued for his name resolve the (real?? nonexistant???) copyright issue????? going from calling the character minion to having all the characters start saying “Actually We Cannot Call Him That Because of Mr. Minion’s Meat Sticks™️” DOES NOT STOP THE FACT THAT THERE IS A CHARACTER CALLED MINION.ITS JUST A DIFFERENT CHARACTER NOW.

But okay!! you know what? i can get over that, right? to anyone who does not yet know where this is going, do me a favor and come up with any name you think would better fit minion from megamind. got your answer? guess what! you automatically win!! because anything you could have said is better than

OL. CHUM.

listen. if they were going to make minion trans i would be all for it. from minion to like, samantha? go for it! we’re all here for you. BUT TO RENAME THE GUY OL CHUM IS JUST PLAIN BULLYING?? WHO WOULD WANT TO BE CALLED THAT.GENUINELY.

that’s. it’s. i cannot deal with it im so annoyed by it it’s not even funny. blood is boiling.

moving on though!! on a less horrible note the one character who kept me on the edge of my seat (not because i was invested, but because i liked this character juust enough to keep myself from getting up and leaving for my own mental health’s sake) was the knight! who is named-

w. wait a second. is. is that.

is that night knight? from toby fox’s undertale?

wow haha!! what a coincidence!!! because this doom syndicate guy’s name just so happens to be nighty knight!!!!!

crazy right? apparently not crazy enough to warrant a cease and desist, but crazy!!

this guy doesnt actually piss me off, he was the least insufferable out of everyone. plus im a sucker for any characters with an even vaguely celestial theme soo he wins.

also i dont really remember but im pretty sure he had some other issue with his name?? but thats not relevant to my point here so im not looking into it. this has gone on long enough.

my last note on this is that he is actually just dark laser from the fairly odd parents which also should have warranted a cease and desist

anyway!! rant over. the moral of the story is i hate whoever decided it was funny to rename minion to old chum because IT WAS NOT.FUNNY

[dubiousculturalartifact]

'blah blah aziraphale and crowley are so obviously subtextually queer that we don't NEED them to actually kiss or express their love or define their relationship as romantic or QPP or anything else that would actually make it queer representation.' I mean. I guess? if you want?

but let's be real: by y’all’s standards in the way you talk about Good Omens, BBC Sherlock is a bastion of gay representation bcs they made some gay jokes and there was yearning. Like: have more respect for yourselves than that. Please. Call me crazy but I just feel like we’ve simply evolved as a society past the time when ‘they looked at each other really hard’ is all queer people should hope for in terms of representation Let's go big or go the fuck home, we’re in a post-Our Flag Means Death world now, babey

[hellcifrogs]

Neji just dying once a week is Hilarious XD

Neji: Drinks something he's allergic to and dies in the cafeteria.

Hinata: NOOOOO!!! 😭

Neji crosses the road to meet up with Naruto but gets hit by a bus.

Naruto: NOOOOOO!!! 😭

To avaiod Lee"s hyper shenanigans he drinks petrol, swallow a match, explodes and collapse into ash like a Looney Tunes character

Lee: NOOOOOO!!!! 😭😭😭

Final game of the season, a bunch of stuff almost kills Neji while he's playing but he makes it to the end of a winning game. A car comes out of nowhere and takes him out

Lee, Hinata, Naruto: NOOOOOO!!!! 😭😭😭

I wanna be offended for him, but these are very funny 🥲

[gengarfluid]

annoying people arent always autistic and kyle was clearly making fun of himself

nowhere did i say annoying people are always autistic or vice versa, so i'm not entertaining that - and in comments kyle says he was "a different genre" when asked if it's based off of him.

how you believe it's clear that he's making fun of himself while knowing next to nothing of substance about the man is beyond my ken.

for sourcing's sake, the video containing the screenshot is here

[cospinol]

new kingdom pv!!!!!! come to koku you, we have:

hills

your new best friend

tea party strategy session

a village :)

funny spider

勝つためだ全ては！

[vimbry-moved]

the sentiment of "junk food rep," where a character or general story is for whatever reason a largely negative portrayal of something (baiting, derogatory stereotype, etc.) but you like it anyway, also applies to celebrity friends of the same gender who, up until around the 2010s when this began to sound a tasteless punchline, make at least one joke in their career about appearing gay. not at all similar in it being representation just to be Clear, but in that I know I should disapprove but it's also really funny, in parent-laughing-while-scolding-their-kid sort of way.

[thedeaddiscodame]

Don't worry. There has never been a polycule that is equipped to handle polyamory. The boys are not special in this regard. This will unfortunately be very upsetting to Louis and his obsession with being Not Like Other Girls but there you have it😔

[confusedsplagebbi]

I was reading a satire article (similar to the onion) talking about rfk Jr's plans as head of health and I was like "oh that's clever. They put the anti vaxxer as head of health. That's a smart premise for a satire article"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT WAS THE PART THEY WERE BASING OFF REAL LIFE

[tonycries]

AITA For F*cking My Sugar Daddy's Son?! - G.S.

Synopsis. When your sugar daddy just isn’t paying attention to you, can you really be blamed for fúcking his son? Especially when his son is absolutely obsessed with you.

Pairing. Rich boy! Gojo Satoru x Sugar baby! Reader

Content. MDNI, fem! reader, unprotected, jealous Satoru, créampie, dirty talk, manhandling, marking, Satoru’s dad is not really present, oral (female receiving), overstim, másturbation (male), thigh riding, cúmplay, Satoru is really really down bad and filthy for you, CEO’s son! Gojo,  pet names, swearing.

Word count. 8.1k

A/N. Will proofread later, lowkey scared to post this, but I just wanted it out of my mind. And in my mind, Satoru’s dad is FINE asl so-

The first time you meet Gojo Satoru is when you’re all dolled up for his father. 

Designer dress just a bit too tight, running on a few too many shots of tequila, wanting to be anywhere but at this stuffy gala. Everything was too bright - too polished.

And it really didn’t help that no matter how many scathing looks or whispers that followed you, you just had to be here - it was in your contract, after all. Because luckily for you, you just so happened to be the infamous little plaything hanging off the arm of the head of Gojo Corporations.

Well, usually. Right now your sugar daddy was too busy entertaining his business partners, leaving you off to the side, praying for something - anything - to save you from this-

“Damn if I’d come to these shitty galas a lot more often if it meant I’d get to see a beauty like you.”

You jolt out of your bored little reverie, eyes immediately snapping up to meet the tall man suddenly in front of you. When did he even get so close? 

You can���t help but drink him in from head to toe, from the overpriced, slightly-disheveled suit to the tiny dimple at the end of his mischievous grin. Strangely familiar white locks fell effortlessly to curtain his eyes. Eyes that were a startling blue - the kind of blue that had your cheeks flaring and knowing exactly who this was. 

Oh.

At your silence, he tilts his head with the air of someone that owns this entire venue and everything in it because, well, he did. Twinkling gaze searing into your skin as it roams appreciatively all over your body, plowing on, “Though, you look like you’re on the verge of an aneurysm around these old coots.”

You sigh, pinching your nose at the curious glances around you. Not even able to find it in yourself to put on that plastic smile anymore, “Oh y’know, just soaking up my popularity with the masses after being stranded here.”

“Oh? Here with anyone?”

“Yeah.” you blurt out, “Your father.”

You watch in amusement as Satoru’s mouth falls into a delicate oh! eyes flickering over his shades between you and the handsome man on the other end of the venue, oblivious and fully enjoying himself in the company of his secretary. A bit too much without you. 

“Y’know…” he starts, shaky and sounding only half the insufferable heir he was before, “I would say that’s a hilarious version of a ‘your mom’ joke but you’re actually serious, aren’t you?”

“Mhm. Though it would make a good punchline, huh?” You huff out a laugh at the way he was suddenly less of a smooth-talking playboy and more of a lost puppy. The gears turning in his head as he processes that oh shit you were the sweet lil’ thing his dad’s been suddenly rushing off to meet straight after work. And the reason why all those old fossils here were clutching their pearls in scandal.

He just didn’t expect you to be this…gorgeous. And for the first time in forever, he’s suddenly so intrigued.

Because ah, you should’ve known better than to think that this little hiccup would deter the infamous Gojo Satoru. No, in fact that million-dollar smirk only makes its way back onto his unfairly pretty face, like he’s about to spill the juiciest gossip of the century.  

“So you’re the latest armcandy my ol’ man has picked up, huh? I hafta say, dear old dad has good taste.” he muses, stepping in close enough that his expensive cologne makes your head spin. “Why don’t you and I ah-” You follow Satoru’s gaze to where he was staring at the way his father was now making a beeline through the crowd. Straight for the two of you. 

“Gotta run before I get my share of the company revoked.” he flashes you a quick smile, fulling intent on saving his father’s delicate ego. But not before leaning down to whisper in your ear, “But jus’ saying,” voice a pretty little purr, “I wouldn’t ever leave you standing here so alone and gorgeous, princess.”

You can only stand there, reeling from the sheer audacity as he darts into the crowd with a wink, not caring if he stepped on a few too many overpriced coattails than necessary. Wondering whether this was some bizarre dream induced by too much tequila and not enough common sense.

“Hi, sweetheart. Investors held me up, you know how it is. Having fun, huh?” A toned arm wraps around your waist as your sugar daddy finally arrives by your side. And as he went on about his latest business branch, only two thoughts ring through your mind - 1. You were seriously reconsidering this arrangement. And 2. This was going to be interesting. 

And oh was it interesting. 

Because Satoru always managed to find you, wherever you were. No matter if it was another droning function or a chance meeting at the sprawling Gojo Estate, Satoru always swooped in whenever his father was too busy for you. Which, fortunately for Satoru, happened to be a lot.  

Hell, he seemed to find you even when you least wanted him to. Like that time he had to drag you away mid-argument with a particularly rude one of his snobby aunts. That was not a fun family reunion. 

All unabashed confidence and pretty smiles where his father was cold, cold calculation. Ready with a smart mouth to bicker with you and bright eyes that seemed to linger on you a bit too long. But you didn’t mind - why would you? Because all things considered, Satoru was a very attractive man. Sure, his father was extremely handsome, too - in a clean-cut, DILF-y way, in fact. But his son was dangerously attractive.

So much so that sometimes when he swept you away from insufferable galas to talk, some strange little part of you wished it was him that you came here with instead. Just for a second. 

“So, what do you see in my father anyway? His company?” Satoru asked you one day. Draping himself over his cool office desk, so comically out of place in the stiff corporate room. Legs kicking in the air as he waits for your response.

You tear your eyes away from the way his biceps were straining so deliciously against his snug button-up to deadpan, “I mean, I am his sugar baby after all, Satoru.”

“But think about it,” he whines, batting those long lashes at you. Fully intent on driving you as dangerously close to a stroke as possible before his father finishes up an important business meeting. One that he missed - whoops. “There’s close to nothing redeemable about the man. His idea of a family bonding activity is a PowerPoint presentation on quarterly earnings.”

“Satoru.”   

“And either way- I’m getting the company in a few years, would ya be my sugar baby then, princess?”

Ah, there it was. 

It’s been a few weeks of knowing Satoru, and those little comments still made your head spin. Second-guessing the nature of this strange little…friendship? You didn’t even know anymore. Because yeah there might’ve been a few, stupid little lingering touches - like a trace on your hips, or your hand firmly in his as he led your (temporary) escape from another lonely gala. But those meant nothing, right?

“Nah, I’d poison you and take over the company instead.”

“Hey!”

Well, whatever, he was just your sugar daddy’s son. His sharp-mouthed, dangerously handsome son that just couldn’t seem to leave you alone. Not that you were complaining, really. Your relationship with his father was not exactly exclusive - you already knew that secretary of his was a bit suspiciously close - but that’s all he’ll ever be. Right?

Or, well, that’s what you stupidly thought. 

It wasn’t until one night late in the Gojo Estate, cursing those ridiculously long hallways, that you get an inkling of exactly how wrong you were. 

“Ugh, fucking rich people.” you mutter under your breath, wandering around trying to find whether the fuck the bathroom was. Because it doesn’t matter how many companies and businesses Gojo senior ran, the man still sucked at directions. You hiss, rubbing the tiny bruise on your neck - and aftercare too, clearly, even though that was in that damn contract. Something about an urgent business call with his secretary. Ugh. 

After three wrong doors, a trip around the in-home planetarium (seriously, who even needed that?), and chugging a full water bottle from the third kitchen in exhaustion, you finally find yourself walking towards what hopefully looked like the bathroom.

Hand reaching for the doorknob to swing it open. Ah, this better be the one or so help you-

Now, Satoru thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. And you - hair mussed, and dazed, standing there in nothing but a large button-up, falling just below your panties - looked like a sinfully beautiful lil’ demon here to lure him into hell. And oh how gladly he’d go if it means he got to see this ethereal view more often. 

“Ah! Wha- Sato-” 

You don’t even know if you want to scream or not - torn between taking in the sculpted chest smushed against your face and not wanting to alert security downstairs. Reeling backward you drink in the sight before you and God how you wish you didn’t - it wasn’t too good for your heart. 

Satoru’s hair was tousled, droplets of water glistening on his hair like diamonds. Skin soft and damp and smelling so delicious. Bathroom light bouncing off his rippling muscles, pecs flexing, as his strong arms reach out to steady you as you reel backwards. 

Traitorously, your eyes snake across his sculpted body. Dipping below once. Twice. Cheeks flaring as a pang of disappointment hits you at the damp towel wrapped around that slutty torso. Wondering what’s underneath-

“Y’should take a picture, it lasts longer.” Satoru grins, like the shameless bastard he is. Though he wasn’t in any better state - eyes flickering between you and any sliver of exposed skin his eyes could reach. 

“I should be saying the same to you.” you mutter, caught red-handed, shuffling your feet in embarrassment. 

Satoru lets out a low chuckle as he pulls you closer minutely, presence practically enveloping you. “Oh, me?” he says, voice dropping to a husky murmur. Thumb tracing that little spot on your neck, “S’hard not to when y’look so appetizing.”

And you don’t even try to pull away because fuck this is Satoru and he looks so good - so warm under your fingertips, even when you jolt at the realization of what exactly he was talking about. Your hand coming up to cover that tiny mark left on your skin from not-too-long ago. A shameful little reminder that this was his son. 

You grapple for some - any - sense of normalcy. Warning, “Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Satoru.”

He leans down impossibly, quirking an eyebrow. Both amusement and something unreadable flashing across his face. “Oh, but it’s got my father somewhere?”

“Why? Jealous?”

“Yes.”

You startle, taken aback by the blunt confession. So direct and something so Satoru. The word hands in the hair’s breadth between you two now, sending your mind reeling. And you can’t help but repeat, “Jealous?”

“Fucking yes.” There it was again. 

But this time, Satoru plows on, voice barely above a whisper but ringing in the thick air. “Jealous he gets to have you all to himself but still doesn’t kiss you like you should be.”

“What do you-”

“Your lipstick.” he interrupts, swiping a thumb over your bottom lip, “Why’s it as perfect as since you came in?” And, indeed, you realize with a jolt that no you really haven’t been kissed the way you wanted - not enough to leave your make-up so sinfully ruined. 

Minty breath fanning your face so dangerously now, and you barely even realize that you’re leaning into it, “If it were up to me, princess, I’d ruin that pretty lil’ lipstick of yours every chance I got.”

A delicious little shiver runs down your spine, head spinning at Satoru and his words and Satoru- And it’s all you can do to get out a shaky, “So why don’t you?”

And then he’s kissing you. And you’re kissing him - like neither of you had the strength nor the will to stop. 

Satoru tasted just like candy, such an intoxicating sweetness that had you gasping as his soft tongue licked at the seam of your lips. Intertwining with yours as he breathes you in desperately. So sloppy. Such a sinful little mix of saliva and teeth and pure need.

His chest is soft under your greedy hands, lips searing against yours, and you could feel his hands wandering across every inch of skin they could find. Kissing you like he’ll never be able to again because fuck he knows that he might just not. 

Long fingers dance delicately underneath that shirt to feel- oh fuck, you weren’t even wearing panties. Such a pretty lil’ slut and by God was he a goner. 

Groaning into the kiss, he lets you loop your arms around his neck, hardened nipples rubbing against his abs as you tug on his damp hair. Honestly, fuck that thin shirt, Satoru thinks he might just pass out right here right now.

“S-Satoru.” you whisper against his lips, legs hiking up to grind your bare cunt against the throbbing erection straining against his towel. Already so wet from water or precum, you had absolutely no idea. You couldn’t give less of a fuck in fact, needing to see if Satoru’s cock was as pretty as the rest of him right now. Hands urgently dipping below the hem, starting to tug and-

“Hey, sweetheart. Did you find the bathroom?”

Shit. Fuck. Wonderful - perfect, in fact.

You would’ve thought Satoru burned you with how quickly you pushed him away. Cheeks burning, breath coming in short, ragged gasps. Almost slipping on the tile as you try to compose yourself at a safe distance - one that wouldn’t end up with you jumping his bones again. 

But all rational thoughts of that and your sugar daddy - Satoru’s father - almost go out the window once you take in the heavenly sight before you. 

Satoru’s lips swollen, hair disheveled, towel hanging slightly too low off his hips. Giving you such a pretty peak of those tufts of snowy white hair at the bottom. 

“W-we shouldn’t…” you trail off, as the footsteps get louder and louder. Something prickly and uncomfortable pooling in your stomach with each beat. 

Luckily for you, Satoru probably catches on to how you looked like you wanted the ground to swallow you whole right now. Voice low and control as he agrees, “Yeah, we probably shouldn’t.” No care in the world for his steadily approaching father as he lazily adjusts his towel, a gesture so nonchalant yet distracting. 

You swallow hard as he moves to walk past you, thinking that if this just so happened to be a dream then by God was it a good one. But of course - when has Satoru ever let you have it easy?

Because he stops abruptly in his tracks, fingers only ghosting the doorknob. Immediately turning back to walk to you with two, big steps, eyes gleaming, dimple flashing. And before you even know what’s happening, his lips are on yours. Featherlight and fleeting. But so so addictive. Nipping at your bottom lip, savoring you on his tongue.

It’s over before you know it, and a pathetic little disappointed whine leaves you as he pulls away. A smirk playing at the corners of his lips as he mutters lowly into yours, “Y’look prettier like this.”

Ah, you weren’t happy to see him leave but how you loved watching him go. Bathroom light so pretty against all the dips and curves of his figure as he walked away. White hair reflecting the warm hue, muscles flexing, hips slightly swaying with such a slutty little confidence that only Satoru could have. 

As you watch him disappear around the door, you almost forget the unwelcome visitor hot on your heels any second now and - wait - what was it that he’d said? “Prettier like this”?

Turning to the mirror and- 

Oh. Shit. 

You better have brought your make-up remover.

God, Satoru’s never ran to his room as fast as this since that time he was caught using his father’s elite golf clubs to play pool with Suguru.

Because as soon as that goddamn door is shut, he’s ripping his towel off. Letting it drop to the floor in a damp pile God-knows-where as he immediately fists his swollen cock.

With a groan, he leans against the shut door.  Eyes scrunching in such sinful ecstasy as he squeezes the base, pulsing and so achingly hard for you. A warning and a reprimand. Shit, how the fuck did he get this hard just from kissing your pretty lil’ lips?

Ah, whatever, right now he doesn’t have the patience nor the sanity to think too hard about it. Smearing the precum beading at his weeping tip, wetting his palm so sloppily. 

Neat little crescents searing into his skin where you’d grabbed him before, only thing on his mind - how would you do it?

Would you ease him into it? Or would you start up a hasty, desperate little pace like he was doing right now? Shallow, quick tugs on his thick cock like you wanted to milk him deliciously. 

Satoru’s hand was cold on his angry, hot cock. And with how many times he’s slipped his into yours, he knew yours would feel better around him. Both hands wrapped around his cock but still not covering all of it. So soft and warm, your nails scraping gently across his throbbing veins. 

“Shit. Hngh-” he breathes out, voice almost-pathetic, “J-jus’ like that, princess.” 

And what would you say? Tell him to shut up and just take it? Would you whisper into his ear as you let him fuck himself into your pretty fists? “So hard n’ big all f’me?” Satoru’s knees buckle at the thought, hand speeding up. “Y’look so pretty like this, y’know.”

Slam! Palm slamming against the poor drawer beside him hard enough to make its legs tremble, desperately trying to keep himself from collapsing. 

But oh his fist doesn’t stop. No, he doubts he ever will - not that strong of a man to keep himself from getting off so filthily to the image of you standing at the doorway of the bathroom. You looked so ethereal - Satoru couldn’t help but imagine how even more sinful you’d look if he was the one done with you. Shit, you wouldn’t even be able to stand if he had his way. 

“F-fuck, princess. M’gonna ruin you, gonna fuck you till you don’t know anything but m’name.”

He grips tighter on the base, thumbing under his slit in a way he knows your devious little hands would do. Fucked-out little grunts leaving his swollen lips each time his fingers meet his flushed tip.

“Ah- Ngh, fuck.” he mutters hoarsely, letting out a low, broken little call of your name. “More. Need more, princess.” He wanted you so badly that it hurt.

What the fuck did that sleazy old man have that he didn’t? And that little bite? That would be nothing compared to what Satoru would do if he got his hands on you. Yeah, he thinks, body shuddering violently, he’d mark you up till everyone knows you’re his. Leave bites that peak out from your collar, all the way down to your pretty thighs.

“Y’belong with me pretty, could fuck you so much better.” Sweat drips from his brow, splashing onto his erratic fist. Thighs quivering, heart pounding wildly in his chest. 

Satoru would almost be embarrassed by how desperate he was acting if he was in any better state of mind. Head only filled with you, and your hand and you-

And fuck for the sake of his sanity he can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel inside your pretty lil’ cunt. All he can think of is the way you’d keen so prettily, mewling out a little, “Oh s’too big.” 

Would you take him all in one go? Look up at him with those beautiful, teary eyes as you milk his cock? Or would he have to ram his dick into you, because shit as much as he loves that  bitchy mouth, it would look so much better gasping and stuttering as he fucks you dumb. 

“Oh yeah.” he groans, eyes rolling to the back of his head. “Such a good lil’ slut f’me. Taking m’so well.” 

God his hand was so sloppy on his dick that he didn’t even know what he was doing anymore. Just wanting to fuck you and have you do this f’him. 

Ah, your plushy walls would suck him in so nicely. One hand speeds up on his cock, while the other reaches down to cradle his balls. Tugging and pulling at the same jerky rhythm they would smack your ass while he stuffs you full. 

So much better than any other sugar daddy ever could. Oh how Satoru would love to mess up your pretty pussy and your lipstick. He’d fucking tattoo your lipstick stains on if he could.

And you’d be able to do nothing but gasp and whimper into his lips, cockdrunk and dazed, “Shit shit shit- Toru m’gonna - Hah- Wanna cum. Please wan’ cum-” Oh how he’d burn down this entire fucking world to hear you call him that. 

“Fuck,” he curses, bucking into his fist, tight balls twitching so sensitively. “Fuck...fuck fuck fuck. M’gonna cum- shit- gonna cum, princess.”

“Cum f’me, Toru. Fill me up with y’cum- wanna take all of it.”

And then he’s cumming. 

A ragged, raw moan of your name leaving his lips. Thick, hot ropes of cum that should be painting your pussy white - but, alas, he’s spilling into his fist so shamefully. And amongst the stars behind his eyes he’s sees you - you you you-

You, fucking your cunt deeper onto his cock to take every drop of his cum. You, whispering sweet little praises as his seed gushes down your thigh, telling him that oh he’s doing so well, and he’s the best boyfriend ever and you already want more-

You, at the arm of his father.

Shit, he needs to shower. Again. 

---

Ever since that little incident that night, everything changed. 

At this point, you didn’t even feel that usual little bitterness whenever your sugar daddy canceled for some urgent business. And, well, it made you blush to admit but you found yourself heading over to the Gojo Estate more and more frequently, often just to catch a glimpse of Gojo - or a quick kiss in the stuffy broom closet. Whichever left you more time to run away from looming security and his father. 

But that was exactly the problem. 

Because no matter how thick the tension lingering in the air between you two was, nothing had gone past heated kisses and touches. Either you were brought back to reality with the possibility of being arrested for indecent exposure at those galas, or someone just had to interrupt. Seriously, with how many times Satoru has had to pay off his poor personal assistant, you’ve been wondering whether he actively seeks you two out. 

And it really didn’t help that Satoru always tasted so goddamn delicious. Fingers searing on your skin, cologne heavy in the heady air, it was hard to keep your hands to yourself. 

But, hey, desperate times bring devious measures.

Which is why you were here right now - sinking into the plushiest bed at the Gojo Estate, clad in your delicate light blue lingerie. One that was custom-made in this specific shade of blue. Because while your sugar daddy preferred you in red, you’re sure he wouldn’t mind you using his credit card for other ulterior motives, right? 

You just hoped that Satoru would just so happen to get a peak when you sneak out to use the bathroom later. What would he say? Would he like it? Would his eyes roam over your body, fingers twiddling with the flimsy lace?

But more importantly - would it be enough to make him break? Even if just a little bit?

Knock! Knock! Knock!

You’re startled out of your little whirlwind thoughts by knocking on the door. Steady, and matching your racing heart. Ah, Satoru’s father, you hastily get up to fix your hair.

“Yo, princess, are you naked or can I come in? Or can I come in when you’re naked?”

That wasn’t your sugar daddy. 

Not even thinking of your current outfit anymore, you rush to throw the heavy wooden doors open to see that, yes, it really was Satoru standing at the door. All bright grins and flushed cheeks as he drinks you in. Brows raising as his eyes move down from your face once. Twice. Thrice. 

Success. 

“What’re you doing here, Satoru?” you bat your lashes deceivingly innocently. Trying to hold back the smirk threatening to curl your lips at the way he gulps.

“Uh- My father’s off to some urgent b-business.” he murmurs, scratching the back of his neck. “Told me to tell you he’s sorry and wishes you the breas- best.”

Oh. 

Well, it wouldn’t be the first time Satoru’s father has canceled on you. But it would be the first time that he’s canceled on you so conveniently enough to leave you alone with his unfairly hot son. Now, you couldn’t let the opportunity go to waste, right?

You lean slightly against the door, body ghosting Satoru’s, teasing him, “Well, when is my dear sugar daddy coming back from his business? Tell him I miss him.”

It’s a joke - and both of you probably know it. But that doesn’t stop Satoru’s brows furrowing ever-so-slightly, suddenly a different man from the flustered one he was just a few seconds ago as he mutters, “I don’t think he’ll be back tonight.”

“Aww, must be some important business.” 

He clenches his jaw aggressively at that, gritting out a clipped little, “You do know that ‘business’ of his is his secretary right?”

“I know. What a shame, right? Guess I’ll just have to go home n’ wait for him then?” you mockingly sigh - God, someone give you an Oscar. Moving to close the door in Satoru’s face, only to be stopped by a large hard smacking into the doorframe - as you knew it would. 

“You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m gonna let you come out looking like that and let you go home without tearing it to shreds.”

And that’s all that is said before his lips are on yours.

The door is slamming shut before you know it, and you’re shoved against it. Satoru’s lips such a sloppy mix of teeth and spit. Hands just everywhere - cradling your cheek, teasing your nipples through your bra, running down to squeeze and grope your ass. He just couldn’t get enough of you. 

Fuck twiddling with the lace, Satoru seemed well and fully intent to rip it off of you. And you’d let him. Just like he was letting you shove his overpriced button-up down his toned shoulders. Soft little rips sounding in the heady air at the urgency but neither of you could give less of a fuck. 

All you could think of is the way Satoru was so pretty and muscled. Drinking in all the dips and curves of pale skin underneath your fingertips. 

“Fuck, princess. Chose this color on purpose, huh?” his fingers dive under the hem of your bra, “Wanted to drive me crazy, mm?”

“Y-yes, Satoru.” you gasp into his mouth, and he takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss. “Wanted you to look at it. Got it custom-made all f’you.” words muffled as he sucks on your tongue. Satoru was always such a messy kisser, licking at the seam of your lips and intertwining his tongue with yours with no shame or shyness. A delicate trail of drool already starting at the corner of your mouth. 

Ah, it was too much for him. Satoru almost thinks he could cum in his pants right now at your sinful little admission. 

Which is why he pulls away to press hot, open-mouthed kisses down your neck, letting out a broken little hum of appreciation into your skin. “Thought so.”

And then your bra’s hitting the floor, tits spilling out into the cold bedroom air. But only for a split-second because Satoru’s immediately groping each and every inch of skin he can find. 

“Look so fucking beautiful like this.” Rolling your swollen nipples between two fingers as he mutters - more to himself than you, “Was gonna let him see you in this slutty lil’ thing, too?” leaning down to tongue lazily little circles on one nipple. Words muffled as he wraps his lips so prettily around your tit - tugging, just grazing with his teeth, “Matching my eyes, huh? Fuckin’ gonna be the death of me shit-”

Satoru was insatiable. Wanting all of you all at the same time. And you follow his line of sight to see him locked on your dripping cunt - soaking through the thin fabric of your panties. Clenching around nothing as his pretty pink lips fall into a soft oh! at the sight. 

Like a madman, he immediately drops to his knees. But you don’t think he even feels the pain as he bites down on the hem of your wet panties. Looking up at you with dazed eyes - miles away. 

Breath ghosting your quivering cunt, tugging lightly with his teeth, “Next time, I’m gonna be the one buying you these.”

Then he’s pulling - tearing your drenched panties to shreds. Grinning so devilishly around it as he gets his first sight of your pretty pussy.  Oh you were so perfect for him. So mouthwateringly wet. 

“Shit, princess. Can’t believe you were fucking holdin’ out on me.”  he muses in wonder, eyes wide at the way your sloppy pussy was glistening in the dim lighting. 

“You were the one that-”

And usually, Satoru loves hearing you run your mouth, but this time he’s shutting you up by diving face-first into your dripping cunt. Cute little mewls leaving you as he presses so shamefully deep that his nose was against your throbbing clit, rubbing languidly as he licks a thick stripe up your swollen folds. 

And then it was like something snapped. 

Because one taste of you and Satoru’s going wild. Throwing a leg over his shoulder to lick more desperately all all over your cunt, lapping up all the juices that gush out of you. Already so addicted because shit you were so much sweeter than in his dreams. 

“Ah! Hngh- please.” you mewl, as he wraps his glossy lips around your swollen clit. All you get is a feral little grunt, his jaw parted, eyes looking like he’s on cloud nine as starts to suck harshly. Filthy little squelches filling the air as Satoru rolls his tongue across your clit. “Feels, s’good, Satoru.”

But your cute little whines turn into one of disappointment as Satoru pulls away ever-so-slightly. “Call m’Toru.” he slurs.

And he doesn’t waste any more time, tongue swishing in his mouth to spit on you once. Twice. Missing ever so slightly, and splattering on your thigh. You flinch, gasping out a breathless little, “Toru!”

“Oh shit, princess. Yeah- say m’name jus’ like that” he groans, ragged and raw. The last thing out of his mouth before he’s squeezing his soft tongue into your snug cunt. Dipping into your sloppy hole in and out in and out in and-

“He ever made you feel this good?” he moans into your cunt, the vibrations making you fuck yourself deeper into his unrelenting tongue. 

“W-what?”

“He ever made you feel this good? Cum so hard you see stars?”

You gasp out a pathetic little sob, “N-no. Want to- Wan’ you to make me cum, Toru. Make me cum around your tongue.”

And, well, what his girl wants - then she’s going to get. Because Satoru’s lapping at your cunt even more greedily than before. 

Stretching you out, breathing you in, looking up at your cute expression through his long lashes. Already so fucked-out for him. 

Nose rubbing purposefully in small circles on your clit. Fucking you with his tongue the way he wants to with his cock and he didn’t give a fuck if he suffocated in-between your thighs - he fucking loved it. 

“Hngh- shit shit shit yes!” your nails are digging into Satoru’s scalp at this point. The only thing steadying yourself to prevent you from collapsing onto the ground. And you really can’t help but angle his head just right so that his tongue curls against that one spot inside your plushy walls. 

Thankfully, he gets the memo. Because Satoru’s letting out a strangled little grunt at being so used by you as you drag your cunt across his pretty mouth. Body jerking into his as he hits that spot over and over-

“T-Toru- hah!” thighs quivering, Satoru’s grip bruising as he holds you up. “M’m gonna-” Your plushy walls sucking him up, thighs squeezing around his face. 

“Mhm?”

“Cum! M’gonna cum- ah- fuck fuck fuck-”

He groans huskily into your cunt. Throwing his head back ever-so-slightly to let your slick slide down his throat - greedily waiting for more that was to come. “Then show me how you cum, m’girl. Cum all over my tongue.”

And then you are - all over Satoru’s pretty face. And fuck he doesn’t think you’ve ever looked prettier. Holding his head in place as you rock your hips into his waiting mouth, letting him drink you in so greedily. Clamping down on his tongue like you were trying to milk him. 

And if you were in any better state of mind, you’d notice the delirious little heart eyes that Satoru was giving you, your cunt firm on his face and swollen lips letting out such pretty whines of his name. Toru Toru Toru - like a prayer as you fucking use him for your high. 

Ah, he could stay like this forever, he thinks. But no, an empty house and you all wet n’ pretty for him means there’s too much more to do. 

Which is why he’s pulling away, your slick decorating his lips so prettily. Smeared across the bottom half of his face and dripping onto the hardwood floor in a maddening little drip! drip! drip! 

And Satoru knows, with the way you watch him so intensely, mouth parted, eyes glossy. Which is why he runs a thumb along his mouth, pooling your juices on his fingers and popping them into his mouth. One by one. 

Your jaw drops a little in disbelief as Satoru licks his fingers clean, eyes rolling to the back of his head at your addictive taste. Oh he was ruining you without even touching you. 

“Not enough, princess.” he chuckles. “C’mon, gimme a kiss.”

And, really, how could you ever say no to that face? Because you’re pulling him to you as soon as Satoru stands to his full height. Capturing his lips in such a sloppy, filthy kiss - forcing you to taste yourself and you half-lucidly wonder whether Satoru loved the taste almost as much as you because it was so him.

Bodies so close that your dripping cunt was seeping into his unfairly tight shirt. Forming a lewd little dark patch when Satoru lifts you effortlessly to guide you to the bed. Tongue still entwining obscenely with yours as he splays you out on the soft mattress for him. Drinking in that adorable lil’ shock on your face as you bounce on the bed, so drunk off of him that you didn’t even realize he was taking you to the bed. 

“Shit, y’look the prettiest like this, princess. S’a wonder m’not fucking passing out right now.” he hisses into your lips.

“Toru-” you whine, and shit the way his cock jumps at the mere sound of your voice makes you think that this will be a little trick you’re using more often. “Wan’ your cock s’bad. Wanna-”

You don’t even have the patience to finish the sentence before you’re fumbling with his belt. Something hefty and overpriced but you can’t possibly think about that right now because fuck you get the first sliver of milky skin. 

Satoru’s thighs were so sculpted and thick. It made your mouth absolutely water to wonder what it would feel like to ride them to insanity.

“Y’wanna ride my thighs? Fuck princess, you really are driving me crazy.” 

Shit had you said that out loud? 

Ah, well, it doesn’t matter because Satoru’s pulling his boxers down - so tight with his swollen cock, a dark patch right where his weeping head was. And you almost pout at losing the opportunity to take them off but oh how you’re distracted by the sinful sight before you. 

Satoru was massive - so long and flushed your favorite shade of pretty pink. Shit, you were going to have to get a lingerie set in this color one of these days. He was achingly hard and throbbing, springing up to smear precum all over his abs. 

And before you can even react, Satoru’s pulling you to him. Manhandling your pretty self so easily to straddle one, large thigh. 

“Oh- hngh, Toru.” you look up at him all doe-eyed and teary as he doesn’t even wait for you to register what’s all happening. Grip bruising on your hips as he rocks your hips so sluttily on his leg. “F-feels s’good. Ah-”

“Yeah? Y’like it? Like getting yourself off like a lil’ slut on my thigh?” he groans into your ear, low and husky with need. 

You nod wildly, sloppy pussy dripping all over his thigh, seeping into his skin as you grind your hips to meet his movements. “Like it s’much- ah-”

“Mhm? Better than anything he could ever do?”

“Yes yes yes, Toru-” you sob, cheeks burning as you realize that you’re humping him like a bitch in heat - but oh judging by the carnal little glint in his eyes, he liked it. Loved it, even. Because Satoru could feel the way your swollen folds spread to grind against him, clit pulsing so maddeningly against his skin. So filthy and messy as you used him to get yourself off. “S’much better- the best-”

He just didn’t expect to feel a soft hand wrapping around his cock. Eyes flying open to see you - all glassy-eyed, and fucking yourself on his thigh - wrap a hand around his cock. Starting to move in shallow, unsteady little motions up and down his throbbing cock to get him off at the same time as you.

“Wan’ you to cum, too, Toru.”

“Oh fuck.” he grunts, letting his hips fuck up into your fist in mindless little motions. “Y’don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

And with that his fingers were digging into the skin of your hips, forcing you to hold on for dear life as he drags your dripping cunt faster and faster across his thick. Movements erratic and frenzied now. 

Of course, you were not one to be out-done. 

Satoru’s precum spilling down your hand, your wrist now aching and wet, becoming so, so sloppy trying to get both yourselves off. But you still tighten your fist around his pulsing cock, desperately flying up and down his length. Pulling in quick, jerky motions to milk him for all he’s worth again and again and-

“You’re so oh- good f’me, princess.” he hums. “Your hngh- hands are so p-pretty wrapped around my cock. So perfect for me.” Bucking his hips wildly to meet your hand now, fucking your fist with no shame. Pulling you harsher on his thigh. “S’such a shame you had to hah fuck- meet my father first. I’d have been so much better.”

“Toru!” you squeal as one hand moves deftly from your hips to draw quick, hasty little circles on your throbbing clit. The friction from his thigh and fingers too much to handle. 

“I’d make you happier.” Your body is shaking now, hands messy and trembling around his swollen cock. “I’d make you laugh more and give you all m’time.” You can’t even look at him at this point, eyes scrunched close in ecstasy as Satoru whispers these maddening little phrases into your open mouth. 

“I’d make you cum harder.”

Oh and then you are - tears in your eyes, body convulsing into his as you cum. And of course he’s smirking smugly as he watches you ride your high out on his thigh, brows furrowed and bottom lip bitten in concentration as he holds off cumming. Not now. Not yet. 

“So, better than him or not?”

But shit was it hard. 

Especially when you raise your pretty, barely-lucid eyes to meet his, whimpering out a soft little, “I don’ know yet, Toru. Gonna hafta stuff me full of your cock if you wanna know.”

And perhaps for the first time since you walked in on him after the shower that night, the great Gojo Satoru is taken aback. Eyes widening in surprise, kiss-bitten lips falling into a soft oh! of disbelief. But not for long - never for long - because a devilish little grin breaks out across his face immediately afterwards. 

“Shit, y’really are perfect f’me, princess.”

With a low growl, Satoru is easily pulling your body - limp and boneless in his hands - to straddle his toned hips. 

You let out a yelp at the feeling of his fat tip just kissing your swollen folds, dragging teasingly along them, collecting the slick beading out of your sloppy cunt. Back and forth-

“Who’s got you feeling this way?”

“You, Toru.”

And then he’s pushing in, swollen cock bullying into your snug pussy. Thumbs drawing steady little circles on your hips - yes to reassure you but also to fight off that feral little part of himself that just wants to stuff your pretty lil’ pussy full until his heavy balls smack your ass. Not even waiting for you to adjust. 

But no. No, it was so much better when you were the one desperately trying to suck up his cock. Gasping and moaning out strangled little whimpers of his name as you sink yourself down on his throbbing dick. Inch by fucking inch. 

“S’too big- Hngh! I-is it even halfway in?” you whimper out, and Satoru could almost laugh humorlessly as he tilts his head to glance downwards and shit- he was barely a quarter in. 

“No.” 

“F-fuck” cute little tears streaking down your face now, thighs trembling, “Toru, I-I don’t think I can-”

“You can. And you will.” Fucking up into you in short, rapid little jabs to squeeze himself deeper into your tight pussy. Shit, it was such a squeeze, you were milking the ever-loving soul out of him. And it only made him impossibly harder inside you, making you whine and grind down - torn between chasing the feeling of being so deliciously full and the sheer pressure. “Shit, love when your pussy’s sucking me up so good.” 

One hand is on your hip, sliding you farther and farther down his cock, the other drawing urgent, quick patterns on your clit. Not even circles anymore because shit Satoru doesn’t have the patience nor the sanity for that. Throbbing veins rubbing so sinfully against that one spot in your dripping cunt, splitting you apart to the same rhythm as the pulsing. 

And as soon as your ass meets his heavy balls - already so wet with precum and slick - Satoru doesn’t even know if he’s on planet Earth anymore. Mind spinning, he doesn’t waste any time at all. 

“Fuck yes.” Satoru hisses, throwing his head back. “Fucking finally.” He pulls his hips back, far enough that his angry, red tip is just kissing your sloppy entrance, surging forward, forward, forward- “Y’don’t know how fucking long I’ve wanted this, princess. Needed this s’bad, so so bad you don’t understand. Shit.”

And, hey, his girl deserved to be fucked dumb, right?

“Needed this ever since I saw you at that goddamn gala.” he whispers into your lips, ragged and so fucked-out. Each word punctuated by a harsh, heavy thrust. Ones that have you keening and grasping Satoru’s broad back for support. Nails raking down his shoulders as his pace gets faster. More purposeful.

And you can do nothing but take it, barely even able to form any coherent sentences. So prettily sat on Satoru’s lap as he fucks into you, babbling sweet little nonsenses made for your ears only. “Ever since I saw that murderous little glare you threw at those snobby guests.”

His balls smacking against your ass over and over. A quick, steady little tempo that you were losing your mind to. “Ever since you let me take your hand and drag you away to that secret bar to take shots instead of champagne.”

You don’t know whether you’re even crying at this point - all you know is that your cheeks are wet and your voice is broken as your let out a little, “F-fuck, Satoru- but your fa-”

“Fuck that.” he whines, and you could almost laugh at the adorable pout that makes its way onto his face. And at that you can feel him jolt so deliciously, head snapping up to meet yours. “I’m the better one.”

And as if he’s trying to prove it to your cunt, he’s drilling into you faster. Harder. Hips burning now as he fucks you like some animal. Hitting that sweet spot over and over. “I’m the one with the personality and the looks.” Long fingers almost a blur on your clit as he matches his place. Cock hot, and throbbing inside you. 

“I’m the heir, I get the company, too, if that’s what you like.” He’s bouncing you on his cock animalistically now. Hungry gaze taking in the way you’re sucking him up so well. “And I’m funnier one, I’m the one that should be by your side.”

You see stars behind your eyes at both the pleasure and sheer overstimulation as Satoru starts fucking your cunt as best he could without fucking breaking you  - but, honestly, he didn’t give a shit if you cried. He just wanted to stuff you full and have you cum harder than you ever have in your life. 

“Fuck- fuck yes m’gonna cum Toru- hngh.” You pull him closer to you, allowing him to bury his face in the crook of your neck. “M-make ah! Make me cum, fill me up please, Toru.”

You feel him shudder inside you, balls squeezing so painfully. Hips sloppy and absolutely soaked with precum and slick. “Sh-shit, you’re not too good for m’heart. Ngh, f-fuck- I should be the one to make you cum. Over and over until you don’t know what it feels like to not.”

“Toru!” your eyes fly open, “Yes yes yes- it’s you. Only you-”

Oh, like something snapped then Satoru’s surging forward to bite down on the crook of your neck. Hard. You’d almost think he was out to draw blood. And then with a low groan, and one, harsh little thrust, Satoru’s cumming and cumming inside your pretty pussy. And you are too - back arching as you milk his cock through his high. 

Fingers digging into your skin as he holds your hips to his, letting your cunt be filled up so sloppily. Pumping thick, hot ropes of seed that dribbled out of you each time he pumped his hips into yours. Fucking it deeper and deeper inside you. 

And then you’re both collapsing, the exhaustion suddenly hitting the both of you as Satoru moves you both to lay on the mattress. Fuck, Satoru watches in wonder as his cum gushes out of you and forms a wet little pool on the expensive sheets as he starts to pull out. One round might just not be enough. 

Yet not yet - he can feel his eyes drooping, muscles aching as he pulls your sticky body closer to his. And Satoru knows he should get up and wipe you both down. But right now, he’s too drunk off the heat of your body and that angry little bite on your neck. Distracted by the cute lil’ expression on your face, so tired and thoroughly fucked out. Fingers playing with his hair, looking at him with an expression so fond - just like in his dreams. 

Nothing more is said. And all is quiet in your strange little heaven. 

That is, until - “So, princess. Wouldn’t ya wanna be an heiress instead of a sugar baby?”

A/N. How we feeling???

Plagiarism not authorized.

[demilypyro]

So I've seen a few too many people on twitter talking about The Kiss Scene from the new Scott Pilgrim anime. People saying it's fetishistic and indulgent, people calling it male gazey, etc. And while the kiss itself is certainly a bit exaggerated, I felt like writing a bit about why I disagree, and why context is important, like it always is. But it basically turned into an extended analysis on the metatextual treatment of Roxie Richter. So bear with me. It's a long post.

What really matters about this scene is not the kiss itself, but what precedes it. Not even just the fight scene just before it, but what precedes the whole anime series, really. And that's the Scott Pilgrim comic book, and the live action movie. Because in both, Roxie is a punchline.

She's a joke. Her character starts and ends with "one of the exes is actually a girl, I bet you didn't expect that." Jokes are made about Ramona's latent bisexuality, the movie especially treating it as funny and absurd, and her validity as a romantic interest is entirely written off by Ramona as being "just a phase." There's a fight scene, she's defeated by a man giving her an orgasm which implicitly calls her sexuality into question (come on), and the movie just moves on. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

The comic fares a little better. It never veers into outright homophobia like the movie does, and while the line about Ramona having gone through a phase remains, Roxie actually gets one over on Scott when Ramona briefly gets back with Roxie. But Roxie is still only barely a character. Like all the other evil exes, she's just a stepping stone towards the male protagonist's development. She barely even gets any screentime before she's defeated by Scott's "power of love." But Roxie stands out, since she's the only villain who is queer, or at least had been confirmed queer at that point (hi Todd). In a series that champions multiple gay men in the supporting cast, the single undeniable lesbian in the story is a villain. She's labeled as evil, made fun of, pushed aside in favor of the men, and then discarded. Her screentime was never about her, or her feelings for Ramona. It was about the straight, male protagonist needing to overcome her. And that was Roxie Richter. An unfortunate victim of the 2010s.

Fast forward to current year, and the new anime series is announced. Everybody sits down to watch the new series expecting another retelling of the same story, and.... hang on, that straight male protagonist I mentioned just died in the first episode. And now it's humanizing the villains from the original story. And there's Roxie, introduced alongside the other evil exes in the second episode, and she's being played entirely straight, without a punchline in sight. No jokes are made about her gender, no questions are made of her validity as one of Ramona's romantic interests. The narrative considers her important. In one episode, she already gets more respect than she did in either of the previous iterations of Scott Pilgrim. And this isn't even her focus episode yet... which happens to be the very next one.

The anime series goes to great lengths to flesh out the original story's villains and to have Ramona reconcile with them. And I don't think it's a coincidence that Roxie gets to go first. While Matthew Patel gets his development in episode 2, Roxie is the first to directly confront Ramona, now our main protagonist. This is notable too because it's the only time the exes are encountered out of order. Roxie is supposed to be number 4, but she's first in line, and later on you realize that she's the only one who's out of sequence. She's the one who sets the precedent for the villains being redeemed. She's the most important character for Ramona to reconcile with.

What follows is probably the most extensive, elaborate 1 on 1 fight scene in the whole show. Roxie fights like a wounded animal, her motions are desperate and pained. Ramona can only barely fight back against her onslaught. Different set-pieces fly by at breakneck speed as Roxie relentlessly lays her feelings at Ramona's feet through her attacks and her distraught shouts. And unlike the comic or the movie, Ramona acknowledges them, and sincerely apologizes. And the two end up just laying there, exhausted, reminiscing about when they were together.

Only after this, after all of this, does the kiss scene happen. Roxie has been vindicated, she has reconciled with the person who hurt her, the narrative has deemed that her anger is justified and has redeemed her character. And she gets her victory lap by making the nearest other hot girl question her heterosexuality, sharing a sloppy kiss with her as the music triumphantly crescendos.

It's... a little self-congratulatory, honestly. But it's good. It's redemption for a character who had been mistreated for over a decade. And she punctuates the moment by being very, very gay where everyone can see it, no men anywhere in sight. Because this is her moment. And then she leaves the plot, on her own accord this time, while humming the hampster dance. What a legend. How could anything be wrong with this.

[margindoodles2407]

@seeking-elsewhither @whyoneartheven

obsessed with the realization that platypi are from australia, so if perry the platypus COULD talk, he definitely would sound like captain rex