#the 17-year-old & the gay bar

[sheshallfromtimetotime]

National Poetry Month - Day Eighteen

The 17-Year-Old & the Gay Bar by Danez Smith

[haveyoureadthispoem-poll]

"i want to raise a city behind his teeth for all boys of choirs & closets to refuge in."

Read it here | Reblog for a larger sample size!

[what-even-is-thiss]

It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar

[ryomanticizing]

A begging to be loved

- Armand, Amadeo, Arun Interview With The Vampire

Interview With The Vampire // 520 Studios // Bright Dead Things, Ada Limon // The 17-Year-Old & the Gay Bar, Danez Smith // Sara Teasdale // unknown // The Haunting of Hill House, Shirley Jackson // The Raven Boys, Maggie Stiefvater // unknown // Song of Myself, Walt Whitman // Citizen Illegal, José Olivarez // Virginia Woolf // unknown // unknown // Dear Dictator, Saint Motel // Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out, Richard Siken // David Levithan // The Hours, Michael Cunningham // Sue Zhao // Teaching the Dog Not to Nip, Jim Moore

[st-dionysus]

(The Poem is named) Emetophobia CW

It’s 2024 and I’m in a 20 year old drag bar, watching the very first trans-masculine performer to compete on their stage, he gets second place even though he deserved first.

I show up to the men’s bathhouse on trans night to get free entry and get turned away at the door, and told it’s for transgirls only, bitch you could have put it on the flyer that transmen need not apply.

I’m doing a line of ketamine off the table, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I get banned from the camsite for listing myself as transgender when I don’t have a dick, I complain online and get told that the trans-masculine body is to grotesque to be fetishized and I should be grateful.

I wear a packer and hitch up a skirt, walk the street, get $20, calling it stealing transfem valor.

Cissie puts a TW #body-mutilation tag under my thirst trap. Tranny puts a TW #dysphoria tag under my thirst trap.

T-girl with a callout post pedojackets me, Enby with TME in bio pedojackets me, T-boy with a self-deprecating joke about men in his bio pedojackets me.

I do another line of ketamine off the table, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I am at the woman’s clinic, I am at the woman’s clinic, I am at the woman’s clinic wearing a mask – not cause I’m compromised (I am), just to hide my beard – avoiding making everyone uncomfortable.

I am getting re-diagnosed with BPD, which just means I have bitch disorder and no one trusts me.

I take my pills and throw them up. I drink my liquor before the beer and throw them up.

I am just 14 when the picture and videos go up. Remind me that I have it easy, they were only pictures and videos.

I am just 17 when the recording of my proof stops before it happens, my phone memory is full, I’m called a liar and now I can’t see buttered crackers, thanksgiving, or sriracha sauce without wanting to kill myself.

No one gets me therapy, but they still want to convert me, she puts her hands down my pants, at least I’m 19, to remind me I’m a woman – tell me how they love trans men again.

I do a third line of ketamine off the table, realize it doesn’t effect me, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I call myself a dog, I start biting my lovers and I have to hold back from ripping out a chunk of flesh, I don’t think I’d throw it up.

I am reading the statistics, 40% of BPD patients try and kill themselves. 1 in 2 transgender men try and kill themselves. I’m one of them. I’m 12 and I swallowed all the pills. I’m 14 and the gun is empty. I’m 17 and I put the box-opener against my throat. Therapist calls me a liar, there is no scar, and my words don’t count for anything.

I’m using he/him pronouns for Stormé DeLarverie, like the stonewall veteran association said to, and telling you he started the riot, calling it stealing transfem valor from a woman who told you she didn’t fucking do it.

I’m shoving my fingers down my throat in a fit of mania, convinced I can vomit up my uterus. She tells me I should be grateful, she’d do anything to be able to get pregnant.

My brother in the struggle gets bottom surgery without top, calling it stealing transfem valor to feel comfortable in his body.

It’s 2024 and I’m at trans pride, the announcers tells everyone to give a round of applause for trans woman, a round of applause for gender-queers, a round of applause for transfems, a round of applause for the enbies, a round of applause for trans-masculine people. You forgot someone. Did you know a trans man started the first ever transgender pride parade?

A book on queer history talks about gay men and lesbians and trans women and the women who dressed as men for better job opportunities. I’m reminded that my invisibility is a privilege, if you aren’t seen you don’t get bashed.

I’m 13 and they throw me in the girls bathroom, pin me down, beat me, and in black sharpie write “dyke”, write “tranny”, write “lesbo”, and pull my hair out the cap I shoved it in.

I’m 19 with D cups that a binder can’t hide and a beard I refuse to shave less I break the mirror and kill myself with the shards of glass I would swallow.

Man at the bus stop calls me tranny and tells me I’ll never be a woman. I’d laugh if he didn’t have his hand on my throat. Calling it stealing transfem valor.

I’m 21 and have to pull a taser on him, cause from the back, even with short hair and top surgery, I look rape-able.

I’m 23 and in the gay district when they chase me down the street, calling me faggot.

Make another forcemasc post, calling it stealing transfem valor.

Read an article about a trans man prostitute that kills himself and ends up another female statistic.

Read an article about a trans man shooter, they blame the HRT he didn’t have access too.

Going to read a callout about me, five pages on Google Docs, does this post make it on the list?

Do a final line of ketamine, write the final line of a poem that makes me want to die, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I puke and miss the toilet.

[crimson-femme]

𝚋𝚞𝚝𝚌𝚑𝚏𝚎𝚖𝚖𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝 ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

table of contents: books; anthologies, history, novels, erotica, photography. films; movies, documentaries, shorts. miscellaneous; dissertations, articles, etc. note: everything (minus a few) has a link to access the media! if i am able to find the missing links i will attach them along with adding new content. there are a couple things that are not specifically butchfemme, but i kept them because i feel that they fit. enjoy!

𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚎𝚜 + 𝚌𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚌𝚕𝚎𝚜

୨୧ A Restricted Country by Joan Nestle

୨୧ Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity by Chloë Brushwood Rose, Anna Camilleri 

୨୧ Butch/Femme: Inside Lesbian Gender by Sally R. Munt, Cherry Smyth

୨୧ Butch is a Noun by S. Bear Bergman

୨୧ Femme/Butch: New Considerations of the Way We Want to Go by Michelle Gibson, Deborah Meem

୨୧ Femme: Feminists, Lesbians, and Bad Girls by Laura Harris, Elizabeth Crocker 

୨୧ Lesbian Culture: The Lives, Work, Ideas, Art and Visions of Lesbians Past and Present by Julia Penelope, Susan Wolfe

୨୧ On Butch and Femme: A Compiled Readings by I.M. Epstein

୨୧ Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme by Ivan Coyote, Zena Sharman

୨୧ Render Me, Gender Me: Lesbians Talk Sex, Class, Color, Nation, Studmuffins... by Kath Weston

୨୧ S/he by Minnie Bruce Pratt

୨୧ The Femme Mystique by Leslea Newman

୨୧ The Femme's Guide To The Universe by Shar Rednour

୨୧ The Lesbian Erotic Dance: Butch, Femme, Androgyny, and Other Rhythms by JoAnn Loulan

୨୧ The Little Butch Book by Leslea Newman

୨୧ The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader by Joan Nestle

୨୧ Tomboys!: Tales of Dyke Derring-Do by Lynne Y. Fletcher, Karen Barber

୨୧ Tomboy Survival Guide by Ivan Coyote

𝚑𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢

NOTE ⋆ there is more history content in the film section as well as historical fiction in the novel section!!!

୨୧ Appearances Can Be Deceiving: Butch-Femme Fashion and Queer Legibility in New York City, 1945–1969 by Alix Gitner

୨୧ Baby, You Are My Religion: Women, Gay Bars, And Theology Before Stonewall by Marie Cartier

୨୧ Becoming Visible: An Illustrated History Of Lesbian And Gay Life In Twentieth-Century America by Molly McGary, Fred Wasserman

୨୧ Before Stonewall: The Making of a Gay and Lesbian Community by Andrea Weiss

୨୧ Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy, Madaline D. Davis

୨୧ GLBT Historical Society: Museum & Archives ⋆ general LGBT archives, but a very important and great source

୨୧ Making History: The Struggle for Gay and Lesbian Equal Rights: 1945-1990: An Oral History by Eric Marcus

୨୧ Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life In Twentieth-Century America by Lillian Faderman ⋆ I’m not a fan of this one, but decided to keep it in

୨୧ Uninvited: Classical Hollywood Cinema and Lesbian Representability by Patricia White

୨୧ Unsuitable: A History of Lesbian Fashion by Eleanor Medhurst

𝚗𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚕𝚜

୨୧ A Crystal Diary: A Novel by Frankie Hucklenbroich ⋆ The razor-edged, compelling, often wryly humorous story hustles us from the blood-and-beer-drenched corners of her St. Louis meat-packing district '50s youth, through the sex-soaked Hollywood alleys of her '60s baby butch years, into the druggy metropolis of '70s San Francisco.

୨୧ Beebo Brinker by Ann Bannon ⋆ Beeboo, a butch 17-year-old farm girl newly arrived in New York after she is driven from her Wisconsin home town for wearing drag to the State Fair. Befriended by the gay Jack Mann, a father-figure with a weakness for runaways, Beebo sets out to find love.

୨୧ Departure from the Script by Jae ⋆ An aspiring actress meeting photographer, femme meeting butch in this light-hearted lesbian romance set in Hollywood.

୨୧ Doc and Fluff: The Dystopian Tale of a Girl and Her Biker by Pat Califia ⋆ Set in the bleak and not-too-distant future of a culture in its death throes, Doc and Fluff careens through the lives of a pair of outlaw women struggling to survive on the road.

୨୧ Feast While You Can by Mikaella Clements, Onjuli Datta ⋆ A fresh, queer spin on possession horror with a sharp focus on deeply complex small-town dynamics. A young queer woman who's lived her whole life in the dead-end mountain village of Cadenze finds herself violently possessed by an ancient, malevolent, memory-eating entity that inhabits the caves bordering her home.

୨୧ Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo ⋆ America in 1954 is not a safe place for two girls to fall in love, especially not in Chinatown. Red-Scare paranoia threatens everyone, including Chinese Americans like Lily. With deportation looming over her father—despite his hard-won citizenship—Lily and Kath risk everything to let their love see the light of day.

୨୧ Lucy and Mickey by Red Jordan Arobateau ⋆ Lesbian life in the late 1950s, early '60s; and a powerful romance & sexual drama between two females, Lucy & Mickey.

୨୧ Patience and Sarah by Isabel Miller ⋆ In an early puritanical New England town, a butch and femme fall in love and discover they can run a farm and live together away from the world that sought to limit them and their love.

୨୧ Satan's Best by Red Jordan Arobateau ⋆ volume #1 in the ten book lesbian biker series THE OUTLAW CHRONICLES. In this action-packed novel we are introduced to the gang of raunchy and glamorous biker women, including the 5 Warlords who run the Outlaws. Enter beautiful blond butch Angel–lone rider on the storm.

୨୧ Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg ⋆ The life of Jess Goldberg, a working-class Jewish butch lesbian in New York from the 1940s through the 1970s.

୨୧ The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall ⋆ The timeless struggle of a butch and femme couple to be accepted by "polite" society. This now classic was banned outright upon publication in 1928.

𝚎𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚊 𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚎𝚜

୨୧ Back To Basics: A Butch-Femme Anthology by Theresa Szymanski

୨୧ Breathless: Erotica by Kitty Tsui

୨୧ Hard Road, Easy Riding: Lesbian Biker Erotica by Sacchi Green, Rakelle Valencia

୨୧ Rode Hard, Put Away Wet: Lesbian Cowboy Erotica by Sacchi Green, Rakelle Valencia

୨୧ Set in Stone: Butch-on-Butch Erotica by Angela Brown

୨୧ Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch Femme Erotica by Tristan Taormino

୨୧ The Harder She Comes: Butch/Femme Erotica by D.L. King

𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚘𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚙𝚑𝚢 𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍

୨୧ Butch/Femme edited by M.G. Soares

୨୧ Butch: Not Like The Other Girls by SD Holman

୨୧ Dagger On Butch Women by Lily Burana, Roxxie Linnea Due

୨୧ Love Bites by Del LaGrace Volcano

୨୧ Making Out: The Book Of Lesbian Sex And Sexuality by Zoe Schramm-Evans, Laurence Jaugey Paget

୨୧ Nothing But The Girl: The Blatant Lesbian Image by Susie Bright, Jill Posener

୨୧ The Butch/Femme Photo Project by Wendi Kali

୨୧ The Drag King Book by Del LaGrace Volcano, Judith "Jack" Halberstam

୨୧ The Femme's Guide to the Universe by Shar Rednour

𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚖𝚜

୨୧ A Complicated Queerness: Living Femme in a Dyke Community dir. Johanna Buchignani, Emily Hillman ⋆ short film: This film investigates the ways in which gender, power and sexism are lived and experienced within the San Francisco Mission dyke community. The documentary aims to promote awareness of and discussion about the prejudice and invisibility of queer femininity, in order to build alliances and healthier communities.

୨୧ Before Stonewall (1984) dir. Greta Schiller, Robert Rosenberg ⋆ documentary: The history of the Gay and Lesbian community before the Stonewall riots began the major gay rights movement.

୨୧ Bound (1996) dir. The Wachowskis ⋆ thriller/crime: Corky, a tough female ex-convict working on an apartment renovation in a Chicago building meets a couple living next door, Caesar, a paranoid mobster, and Violet.

୨୧ By Hook or By Crook (2001) dir. Harry Dodge, Silas Howard ⋆ crime/romance: A buddy film that chronicles two butches, Shy and Valentine, who collide by chance in the San Francisco streets. Shy is immersed in daydreams about the loving father they lost and Valentine is searching for the mother they never met. Like-hearted mischievous souls, the pair stumbles into a series of shambolic shenanigans — along with Valentine’s girlfriend, Billie.

୨୧ Dream Girls (1994) dir. Kim Longinotto, Jano Williams ⋆ documentary: Women join Japan's all-female Takarazuka Revue musical theater troupe, portraying men's roles. The film explores gender dynamics, desires, and complexities of female identity in Japanese society through these performers' experiences.

୨୧ Gay Tape: Butch and Femme (1985) by Cecilia Dougherty ⋆ short: The Gay Tape brings “a little fine-tuning” to the question of representation, honing in on the subjective particularities of the butch-femme dynamic as experienced by members of Dougherty’s local Bay Area dating pool. 

୨୧ Gender Troubles: The Butches (2016) dir. Lisa Plourde ⋆ documentary: What portrayals of lesbianism are acceptable and who gets erased? Butch lesbians from a wide range of backgrounds and ages provide a compelling exploration of society's assumptions and challenge ideas about what it means to be female. They show the rewards that come with self acceptance. Tender, funny, and thought-provoking. NOTE: after clicking the link, scroll down to the middle to watch where it is available with english audio and french, spanish, dutch, or portuguese subtitles.

୨୧ If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000) dir. Jane Anderson, Anne Heche, Martha Coolidge ⋆ romance/drama: This anthology of short films tells the stories of three lesbian couples - who live in the same house at different periods of time - who are at a crossroads in their lives. The second story includes a motorcycle riding, leather jacket and tie wearing butch, Amy.

୨୧ Last Call at Maud's (1993) dir. Paris Poirier ⋆ documentary: Some genuinely wild women – and some more demure but no less lively types – take center stage in Paris Poirier’s vivacious documentary about the life and times of Maud’s, the longest running lesbian bar ever.

୨୧ Salmonberries (1991) dir. Percy Adlon ⋆ drama/indie: A woman (played by k.d. lang) who grew up in a small town in Alaska goes to the public library to try and find out who her parents were. She eventually befriends the librarian, an East German immigrant who lost her husband while escaping from behind the Iron Curtain. They help each other try to find closure to the events in their past.

୨୧ Shinjuku Boys (1995) dir. Jano Williams, Kim Longinotto ⋆ documentary: This documentary offers rich insight into gender and sexuality in Japan via a candid portrait of Kazuki, Tatsu, and Gaish, three trans masculine hosts working at the New Marilyn Club in Tokyo’s bustling Shinjuku district. As the film follows them at home and on the job, all three talk frankly about their lives, revealing their views on love, sex, and identity.

୨୧ Stormé: The Lady of the Jewel Box (1987) dir. Michelle Parkerson ⋆ documentary/short film: Through archival clips, Stormé DeLarverie, bodygaurd of a women's club and former drag king looks back on the grandeur of the Jewel Box Revue and its celebration of pure entertainment in the face of homophobia and segregation.

୨୧ Stud Life (2012) dir. Campbell X ⋆ romance/drama: JJ, a lesbian, works as a wedding photographer with Seb, a gay man who is her best friend. After JJ falls in love with a gorgeous diva, her friendship with Seb becomes strained, and she may be forced to choose between Seb and her lover.

୨୧ The Aggressives (2005) dir. Daniel Peddle ⋆ documentary: The Aggressives is an exposé on the subculture of masculine presenting people of color and their femme counterparts. Filmed over five years in New York City, the featured subjects share their dreams, secrets, and deepest fears.

୨୧ The Watermelon Woman (1996) dir. Cheryl Dunye ⋆ romance/comedy: An aspiring black lesbian filmmaker researches an obscure 1930s black actress billed as the Watermelon Woman.

𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚘𝚞𝚜

୨୧ A Butch Road Map by Ivan Coyote ⋆ spoken word

୨୧ A Dyke's Bike Repair Handbook by Jill Taylor ⋆ motorcycle care/repair handbook, this one is so random i just love it lol

୨୧ Are Butch and Fem Working-Class and Anti-Feminist? by Sara L. Crawley ⋆ article

୨୧ Butch Between the Wars: A Pre-History of Butch Style in Twentieth-Century Literature, Music, and Film by Karen Allison Hammer ⋆ dissertation

୨୧ Feminizing Theory: Making Space for Femme Theory by Rhea Ashley Hoskin ⋆ thesis

୨୧ Femme: Feminists, Lesbians, and Bad Girls by Laura Harris, Elizabeth Crocker

୨୧ Lesbian Identity and the Politics of Butch-Femme by Amy Goodloe ⋆ paper/review

୨୧ Lineage To My Femme Foremothers by A.N. ⋆ zine

୨୧ Lipstick & Dipstick's Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships by Gina Daggett, Kathy Belge

୨୧ Narrating and Negotiating Butch and Femme: Storying Lesbian Selves in a Heteronormative World by Sara L. Crawley ⋆ dissertation

୨୧ On the Appropriation of Femme from Lesbians Over Everything, a discussion between four femmes ⋆ article

୨୧ The Misunderstood Gender: A Model of Modern Femme Identity by Heidi Levitt, Elisabeth Gerrish, Katherine Hiestand ⋆ study

୨୧ The Mythic Mannish Lesbian: Radclyffe Hall and the New Woman by Esther Newton

୨୧ To All the Beautiful, Kick-Ass, and Fierce, Full-Bodied Femmes by Ivan Coyote ⋆ spoken word

i was meaning to post this for when i hit 1k followers, but i somehow have already surpassed that. it is weird to think that i started this blog on january 27. thank you all so much for following and interacting. i hope you enjoy this list and my blog in general!!

much love 💋

[robertreich]

When the KKK Murdered My Childhood Friend 

When the Ku Klux Klan murdered my protector, it made me see the world differently.

I was always the shortest kid in school, which made me an easy target for bullies. To protect myself, I got into the habit of befriending older boys who’d watch my back.

One summer when I was around 8 years old I found Mickey, a kind and gentle teenager with a ready smile who made me feel safe.

Over the years, I lost track of Mickey. It wasn’t until the fall of 1964, my freshman year in college, that I heard what had happened to him.

Several months before, Mickey, whose full name was Michael Schwerner, had gone to Mississippi to register Black voters during what was known as “Freedom Summer.”

On June 21, Michael and two other civil rights workers, James Chaney and Andrew Goodman, were arrested near Philadelphia, Mississippi by Neshoba County Deputy Sheriff Cecil Ray Price, for allegedly speeding.

That night, after they paid their speeding ticket and left the jail, Deputy Price followed them, stopped them again, ordered them into his car, and took them down a deserted road where he turned them over to a group of his fellow Ku Klux Klan members. They were beaten, shot at point-blank range, and buried in an earthen dam. Their bodies weren’t found until August 4.

The state of Mississippi refused to bring charges against any of the Klan members. Eventually, the U.S. Justice Department brought federal charges against Price and 17 others.

An all-white jury found seven of the defendants guilty, including Price. Ultimately none would serve more than six years behind bars.

When the news reached me that Mickey, my childhood protector, had been murdered by white supremacists — by violent bullies who would stop at nothing to prevent Black people from exercising their right to vote — something snapped inside me.

I began to see everything differently.  Before then, I understood bullying as a few kids picking on me for being short. Now I saw bullying on a larger scale, all around me. In Black people bullied by whites. In workers bullied by bosses. In girls and women bullied by men. In the disabled or gay or poor or sick or immigrant bullied by employers, landlords, insurance companies, and politicians.

Sixty years after the Freedom Summer murders, America still wrestles with bullies — a rise in hate crimes targeting people of color, LGBTQ people, immigrants, Jews, and Muslims — new laws restricting the right to vote, banning books, and stripping Americans of reproductive freedoms — leaders who insult and demean people with disabilities, women, and trans kids.

We must never give in to cruelty and violence. It is incumbent on all of us to stand up to bullies and be each other’s protectors.

[drdemonprince]

I remember when civil unions for same-sex couples were legalized in 2016. I was only 17 at the time, and I was still dealing with a lot of stuff. Marriage was only a very far thought in the back of my mind, but still, I remember being so happy to hear that news. It was a new option for me, one that could also open up to the possibility of having a child someday, something I had never really considered possible before that time. It’s been several years now, and little to no progress has been made. I hate how slow this process is. And now we’re going backwards I’m still quite young, only 25, but I already know I would like to become a parent. It’s a difficult feeling to describe. I want to love another human being in the same way that my father and my mother have done with me. I want my boyfriend to become a dad and I want to be by his side throughout all of it. When I see my boyfriend playing with my one-year-old niece, I daydream about having a son or a daughter of our own. I want to see my parents love my child like they loved me. I want to see their smiles while they’re rocking my baby to sleep. I want to tear up at my son or daughter’s graduation. I want to be nervous about the person they’re bringing home for dinner. I want to fear for their safety. I want to trust them to make the right choices. I want to be sad about seeing them move to another city. I want to be proud of their accomplishments. I want to hope that they’ll be happy with the life they’ve chosen and that I’ve helped them build. I want to feel all of it.

A heartbreaking piece from Giulio Serafini on Italy's universal ban on surrogacy -- a policy that I'm embarrassed to admit I was not aware of until just now. Surrogacy was already banned within the country prior to this year, but this new policy now bars prospective parents from conceiving via surrogacy anywhere in the world and then bringing their children back. Between this and the country's complete ban on gay adoption, it's now impossible for same-sex couples to have children.

[steddiehyperfixation]

eddie munson has only ever been kissed in clubs, in crowds, under deafening music and flashing lights with more alcohol in his veins than blood. he knows what it's like to kiss rough and want carnally, to be pushed against walls and dragged into bathroom stalls.

but what is it like to kiss someone and have it mean something? what is it like to know someone's soul, or even just their name, before their lips, before their body?

what is it like to kiss someone and feel something? what is it like to have a kiss make your heart beat louder than the music and set off fireworks in your body brighter than the flashing lights?

that's something he's never known, something he's starting to believe he never will. maybe it's something he's not even capable of knowing.

he's loved before, never been loved in return. the men he's cared for, fallen for, in any real way were always ones who would never be able to care for him the same. the only men willing to kiss him are the ones who dance away at the end of the night and leave only faceless, nameless memories in his hazy mind.

until steve harrington. until a chance encounter in a gay club with a high school crush years after high school has ended.

it's the same old story: too-loud music and strobe lights; drunk and dancing closer, trading glances and smirks until hands land on waists and slide over hips and lips crash together and bodies collide. it's the same old story: kissing hard and wandering hands and grinding hips; eddie gets pressed back into the gross wall damp with the humid sweat of all the other bodies in the room.

but steve doesn't dance away at the end of it. he pulls away with a grin, keeping his fingers entangled with eddie's as he jumps and shouts along to the lyrics of the song that just came on. he dances with eddie innocently then, just for the fun of it, not like he's trying to get any more out of him.

and when he tugs on eddie's hand and drags him from the dance floor, it's not to a bathroom stall but to the bar where he buys eddie a drink and they talk. they catch up on all the years that have passed between them, trade stories and laughter and banter that reawaken eddie's old crush and set it aflutter in his stomach like he's 17 again.

eventually they return to the dance floor. ("i love this song!" steve gasps, eyes lighting up, and how could eddie refuse?). after a song or two, steve pulls eddie into another kiss, hands and lips softer than before, yet still just as passionate.

and the music is still deafening and the lights are still flashing, but this time, finally, eddie's heartbeat is louder, the fireworks brighter.

(ao3)

[asoftepiloguemylove]

I SWEAR I'D LOVE YOU IF I COULD

Mitski Once More to See You // Brokeback Mountain (2005) dir. Ang Lee // 刻在你心底的名字 Your Name Engraved Herein (2020) dir. Patrick Kuang-Hui Liu // Richard Siken Crush // Danez Smith The 17-Year-Old & the Gay Bar // Nxdia She Likes a Boy // As You Are (2016) dir. Miles Joris-Peyrafitte // CA Conrad We Want It All: An Anthology of Radical Trans Poetics // Chappell Roan Pink Pony Club // Portrait de la jeune fille en feu Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) dir. Céline Sciamma

[resident-gay-bitch]

Thinking about Eddie being freshly 18 and not wanting to feel shame about his sexuality no more and wanting to explore it without getting caught by his uncle, doesn’t want to get kicked out of the only real home he’s know. so he drives out to indi and finds a queer club and feels so alive, he’s a little tipsy on the dance floor, and this cute guy is making eyes at him, and they start dancing together, getting closer and closer until Eddie doesn’t know where he ends and the cute guy begins. And he thinks “fuck this is it. This is how I’m supposed to feel. This is everything to me”, and for the first time ever he kisses a boy who kisses him back and doesn’t punch him in the face after.

Thinking about Wayne who gave up his life to raise his poor little orphaned nephew, had his entire existence thrown out of whack, who loves Eddie with every bone in his body and only wants the best for him, would kill for that little shit, and would kill himself if anything every happened to his boy. Who feels so much shame about who he is and who he’s loved, has put his own life and relationships on hiatus so Eddie would never have to know the truth, would never have to be ashamed of his uncle. Who, for the first time in over 10 years finally gets a break from some of the responsibilities. Eddies 18, an adult now, and for his birthday he’s decided to go camping with his friends to “become a real man”, so he takes his chance and drives up to Indi, finds his old stomping grounds and almost cries when he sees the transgender bartender who called him honeypot and would sneak him a free beer still working there.

Thinking about Eddie feeling so free and excited to just exist without judgement that he Drags that cute guy into the bathroom and feels shameless about his pleasure for the first time ever, tries new things, likes them all.

Thinking about Wayne sipping on his beer, feeling his bones completely relax for the first time in years, spots an old flame across the bar and can’t believe his eyes, he’s still just as hot as he was when they were 17. They get to talking, and then the talking turns into something else, something Wayne hasn’t done since he had to become a parent. And he feels a bit like a teenager again, drags that hot man into the bathroom and wants to have his way with him.

Thinking about Eddie stumbling out of the stall, wiping his mouth, cute guy giggling and clinging onto Eddie right behind him, freezing in his tracks. Wayne with his shirt half undone and a man trying to shove Wayne into the cubicle Eddie was Just in, trying to put his hands in the wrong places.

And they just lock eyes, and scream.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING CAMPING BOY?!”

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A QUIET NIGHT IN WHY ARE YOU IN A GAY CLUB?”

“WHY ARE YOU IN A GAY CLUB?”

“Wayne… are we both…?”

“Jesus H Christ boy, alright, let’s just pretend we never saw eachother in here, go back out there and I’ll buy ya a beer. We can talk.”

“Yeah, alright Wayne.” Eddie says with a smile as he heads out of the bathroom.

“Hey! You used a condom right-“

“Ew Wayne! I’m not talking about that with you!”

[vintagelasvegas]

Moulin Rouge Hotel & Casino

May 1955, opening week. Photo by Loomis Dean.

Timeline, in progress ...

'54: Mar. 29, Las Vegas City Commission approves construction of Moulin Rouge. The project was launched by a group of partners including New York restaurateur Louis Rubin, Beverly Hills developer Alexander Bisno (Bisno & Bisno), and smaller investors.

'54: Jul. 16, Groundbreaking.

'55: Apr. 6, Fire destroys the "motel wing" (Montmartre Motel) during construction. The fire does not delay the main hotel.

'55: May 24, MR preview opening, and debut Tropi-Can-Can show in the Cafe Rouge Theatre Restaurant; public opening follows on May 26. Owners, the Moulin Rouge Associates, include Bisno, Rubin, Henry Bisno, among a group of over 20. Possible other owners include Joe Louis (2%), Joe West, Aron Blum, Edna Shulman, and Mark Lipsky. African-American staff include Joe Louis, host; Sonny Boswell, former Harlem Globetrotters, general manager; Jimmy Gay of Las Vegas, personnel director. "The hotel portion of the Moulin Rouge is not fully completed as yet" (RJ 5/27/55). MR's "late show" starts from the opening. "There's a great late show every night of the year at Moulin Rouge" (advertisement, RJ 5/24/55)

'55: Jun. 1, first known lawsuit against MR from contractor, Lawrence Hawthorne. (RJ 6/1/55)

'55: Oct. 5, City of Las Vegas threatens MR license unless finances and owners are disclosed.

'55: Oct. 10, MR closes. It is the first major Las Vegas hotel to close, immediately following legal action taken by Bartenders Union Local 165 and Culinary 226 over unpaid wages.

'55: Oct. 19, MR files petition for bankruptcy. A report from proceedings in Jan. '56 says, "Some 300 creditors have $850,000 in claims now pending. Among them, 185 local creditors including engineers, plumbers, electricians [and] employees..." (RJ 1/16/56)

'56: Jan., Montmartre Motel (adjoining the hotel) is open. Whether the motel, operated by Albert Childs, was open prior is unclear. The MR attraction board was moved from the front of the hotel, slightly west to the front of the motel.

'56: Nov. 27, Bankruptcy sale. Lone bid of $470,000 rejected.

'58: Nov., Leo Frey (Leroy Investment Co.) awarded the hotel by court. Frey, “a sizeable investor in the original corporation which owned the hotel and the partnership which operated it” (RJ 11/25/58). Frey is denied gaming license, reopens hotel and coffee shop. Other individuals later denied gaming license “because of unsuitable backgrounds of the landlords Leo, Herbert, and Karl Frey” (RJ 3/21/69).

'85: Joe & Sarann Preddy, and Joe Walker lease Club Rouge and the bar.

'90: Preddy & Walker group takes over ownership from Leroy Co., secures liquor and gaming license.

'92: Moulin Rouge listed on National Register of Historic Places.

'97: Sold to Bart Maybie.

'03: Fire destroys much of the property.

'04: Moulin Rouge Development Corp. buys property.

'08: MRD Corp. files for bankruptcy.

'09: Olympic Coast Investment takes ownership; another fire; sign donated and moved to Neon Museum; tower demolished in 2010.

'12: OCI files bankruptcy.

'17: Fire; last remains of MR and Montemartre Motel demolished.

Photos of Moulin Rouge

Entertainment. The Tropi-Can-Can Revue was the Moulin Rouge's featured entertainment, no headliner. Las Vegas resorts usually had two shows per evening, or a third late show on weekends. Moulin Rouge's Tropi-Can-Can included a late show every night – 8 PM, 11 PM and 2 AM. The revue in May 1955 included Stump and Stumpy, The Platters (Reed, Lynch, Williams, Robi, Taylor), Timmie Rogers, Margie McGlory, Teddy Hale, The Honey-Tones, Ann Weldon, Bob Bailey as master of ceremonies, and 20-27 dancers (sources vary) including Delcenia Boyd (16 years old), Norma Tolbert, Dee Dee Jasmin, Mary Louise Randolph, and Anna Bailey (28 y/o). The Platters recorded their hit version of "Only You" a month before the opening of Moulin Rouge, and the record was released summer '55.

Moulin Rouge Show Girls Arrive in Vegas. Review-Journal, 5/9/55.

5/23/55 – Jay Florian Mitchell Photo Collection, Nevada State Museum.

Sources include: City to Hear Both Sides. Review-Journal, 7/6/54 p2; Vegas' Newest Hotel Moulin Rouge Opens. Review-Journal, 5/25/55 p3; Capacity Crowd. Review-Journal, 5/27/55 p1; City Threatens Moulin Rouge License Over Ownership Fuss. Review-Journal, 10/5/55; Another Suit Against Spa. Review-Journal, 10/7/55 p3; Moulin Rouge Re-Financing Sought After Casino is Closed. Review-Journal, 10/11/55; No Action Against Spa Licenses. Review-Journal, 10/20/55; Businessmen Watching Events at Moulin Rouge. Review-Journal, 1/16/56; Couple trades parcel of land to get Moulin Rouge Hotel. Review Journal, 1/26/90; Earnest N. Bracey. Winter ‘96. The Moulin Rouge Mystique: Blacks and Equal Rights in Las Vegas, Nevada Historical Society Quarterly, Vol. 39, No. 4, p. 272-288; Nicole Raz. Light Touch Needed. Review Journal, 8/7/2016; An Interview with Katherine M. Joseph (OH-00979), Mary Louise Williams oral history interview (OH-01991), and Anna Bailey oral history interview (OH-00096), UNLV Special Collections & Archives; William H. “Bob” Bailey. Looking Up: Finding My Voice in Las Vegas (2009).

[class-of-classics-blog]

Red and Goldielockes friendship headcanons:

(Or how i like to calk them Scarlett and Dolly)

• They met in spelementary school and were roomates first two years at eah

• They are teenage FBI

Goldie: RED I NEED YOUR HELP! I saw a cute gay today at cafe but i didn't get a chance to talk to him. He had brown hair and was wearing a blue jacket.

Red: Give me two hours.

*Later*

Red: His name is Daniel Tailor, son of The Brave Tailor. He's 17 year old, junior. Mostly B's and C's somtime A's. Likes to read, tailor and fence. His parents are divoreced and he lives with his mom in a Bookend village. Allergic to olives and melons. Has kinda minimalist aesthetic, very disapointed for a tailor i know. Likes The Beetles, doesnt like David Bowie GOLDIE I DO NOT LIKE THIS GAY-

•Goldie uses Red as scary dog privlage. Dont ask. The shorter the person is the more agressive they are.

•No, Red did not tell Goldie about her and Badwolf, cus she didn't had a chance. Goldie noticed how Red was happiar and smiled more then before. I mean its not as if Red had to pretend to hate Badwolf in front of her best friend. Just put two and two together. And honestly she was happy for her, Red deserve happienes.

• But that did not stop Goldie from going whole FBI mode on Badwolf and interagating him into details.

• Has those moments when they laughts so much their stomach hurt and they can't breath

• Red bought Goldie her first camera and Goldie made her a whole photo album of them as a gift and later as a wedding gift a photo album of Red and Badwolf while they were younger

•Red and Goldie" blinde being humbeld", but not like that. Its just that Goldie is a person with a really big heart who belives there is good in everyone and Red's motto is " be nice, but take no shit"

Goldie: look i know she seems bad but she said she is sorry and she wont do it again. I mean, everybody deserve second chance!

Red, with frying pan: GIRL THATS HER FIFTH CHANCE-

• They got away with so much shit. (Bordeline liar and someone with no understand of lockes)

• after every gossip sesion they end with " but who are we to judge😌☕️"

• The first crack in Goldies and Charmings relationship started when he started sugesting that she spend more time with his friends ( royals). Which is okey, you know, its good to get to know your boyfriends friendgroup, BUT TO TRY TO REPLACE RED WITH HIS ROYAL FRIEND (Goldie: Slow down Charming, you hoe, know your limits)

• While were talking about relationship, Goldie once dated this gay, who Red just so happans to see with some other girl at the bar. Safe to say, she sneaked behinde a bar and served him alcohol poison.

•They coverd for eachother so they can still keep their "naive nice girl "look and sneak out of class

Thats it for now folks BUT I HAVE MORE

[darknessdrops]

I look to christ, i look to every mouth on the dance floor, i order a whiskey coke, name it the blood of my new saviour. he is just. he begs me to dance, to marvel men with the dash of hips i brought, he deems my mouth in some stranger’s mouth necessary. bless that man’s mouth, the song we sway sloppy to, the beat, the bridge, the length of his hand on my thigh & back & i know not which country i am of.

(Danez Smith: "The 17 Year Old and the Gay Bar")

[oysters-aint-for-me]

my number one absolute favorite iasip headcanon, which is an old one and not my own (although i forgot who i originally heard it from), is that paddy’s never actually stopped being a gay bar after the pilot. the gang just never really noticed.

i don’t think headcanon holds up to intense scrutiny when you compare it to actual canon but my god can you imagine the possibilities. like imagine in season 17 the gang finds out those three old guys always hanging out in the background are actually a gay throuple and the gang is like “wow that’s crazy you guys have been hanging out for 17 years and you all just started dating?” and one of the three old queens are like “babes we’ve been gay the whole time, that’s why we started coming here, it’s the closest gay bar to our apartment” and the gang is like “wait when did you start coming here?!” and the first guy says “2005? we saw an ad in the news paper” and other guy points to the third guys and says “bryce here made the original glory hole for you guys” and bryce says “yeah and you never thanked me by the way”

[hereyeswithoutaface]

A couple of fruits (part 1)

The first part of my bullet train twins prequel how cute!

Michael- Tangerine

Toby- Lemon

Notes: This is my first time EVER uploading a fic so some suggestions and improvements welcome, it's only quite short as it's the start, the song that's mentioned is called the universal- blur, and i hope you enjoy!!!

Warnings: mentions of death/suicide, swearing, implied abuse, alcohol, old lgbt stereotypes

2005, Newham apartment building, number 17, 4:03 PM

"Bollocks." That seemed, to 16 year old Michael Davies, the only reasonable response to accidentally-on-purpose killing his abusive foster father.

"Shit." Echoed Toby Davies, who was the same age, and deemed that was the appropriate response to helping accidentally-on-purpose killing his abusive foster father.

The two stood there for a while, the Blur song still playing faintly from the kitchen radio, adding a strange sense of something that was almost relief to the boys, a grounding reminder they were still there.

'This is the next century, where the universal's free.'

"Well should we just leave him there?" Toby asked, after quite a few minutes of silence from the teenage boys who just seemed to be staring at the dead bald man on the floor. He was surrounded by a small puddle of the concoction he had been served, vodka and drain cleaner, which in Toby's defense- taste the same.

"Right, and tell everyone the bastard killed himself?" He raised an eyebrow, slowly glancing from the body and over to his brother, Michael was always the more resourceful one of the pair.

"Yeah, wouldn't really be a shock would it," Toby shrugged and also looked up and over at his brother, "Westham is playing in an hour, they're showing at the pub."

"How do you know that? But sure." Michael nods and steps away from the body, trying not to look at it as he headed for the door.

"That girl in our biology, the one who tried to-" "Tried to perform CPR on a rat, yeah- what about her?" Michael cut him off, confused on what this had to do with anything.

"She's the one who pierced my ears too, a real Percy, her aunt owns the place, told me they were showing the match."

"Not joking, mention Thomas the tank engine one more time, i'll rip your bloody ears off." Michael responds quickly, not even registering the other part of the sentence.

The two begin to walk along the streets of damp east London, their dingy estate not helping their slightly traumatized mood, the one working street lamp flickering like crazy. After a moment, he continued, "...You reckon she could pierce one of mine? Only one, and not the gay one."

"Which one even is the gay one?" Toby raises an eyebrow as he walks, he didn't even know, that's why he had gotten both done.

"Right ears the gay one- it's common bloody knowledge, not my fault you spend all your time watching a kids show!"

"Mate, i saw you reading Anna Karenina last week, don't start." Toby responded swiftly, even though he had no idea what the book was about.

"Yeah and it's mint- it's a true classic, of Russian scandals, you should try reading some time." Michael was more than happy to talk about his books, but really did not have the motivation to bicker any longer.

The two walked for a while in silence, eventually reaching the local pub, in the two stepped, greeted by the smell of stale beer and crisps, along with the sound of the drunks yelling and already doing karaoke, at half past 4 in the afternoon.

No one ever seemed to mind that these teenagers drank in here, maybe in some other place, like Surrey, but not here in Newham, no one even batted an eye. To the outside view, you wouldn't even know they had just committed their first ever murder, unless you has saw them do it, of course.

"Whaddya want?" A voice called at them as a figure emerged from the break room and into the bar, as if she had only just arrived a few minutes ago too, she was around their age, the girl Toby had been talking about, and had dirty blonde hair in a half braids- half down looking style , with sparkly eye shadow and purple lipgloss that made her stick out, but her facial expression betrayed the confident demeanor in her speech, something was off with her....Did she know somehow?