#thc dangers

[anotherpapercut]

genuinely so many of you want to be leftist and "punk" and countercultural soooooo bad but you refuse to become comfortable with the concept of people taking drugs for fun because they like it and not because they were somehow tricked or forced into it without knowing what they were getting themselves into

you'll be like "addiction is a disease!!" but think you're better than those degenerate stoners because you only drink energy drinks and white claws and would never touch "illegal drugs"

many if not most drugs CAN be consumed completely safely with almost 0 risk to the user and even if that werent true and all drugs were extremely dangerous you still wouldn't be better than those of us who love doing drugs recreationally

lighten up and grow up. get offline, talk to real adults, and stop being shocked to discover that they enjoy doing stuff that adults do like have sex and do drugs and even listen to rock and roll

[biblicalhorror]

Thinking about one of the loser men I dated directly post-college who, after I showed them Dirty Computer [the emotion picture] by Janelle Monae, said they "prefer rap that has something to say"

[solradguy]

I bought THC funfetti biscotti from a woman in a 100+ (?) year old industrial factory today and I gave a thumbs up to a burly biker dude wearing this very good shirt:

[piplupod]

oh we fucked our metabolism up bad huh

IF YOUR BLOG IS ABOUT ENABLING YOUR EATING DISORDER, DON'T FUCKING INTERACT WITH THIS!!! GET HELP!!! STOP INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO RECOVER FROM THEIR OWN EATING DISORDERS!!!

[cassowariess]

uggrggh I haven't been able to concentrate on ANYTHING this week. Today was the worst day.

[nonbinarynightcrawler]

shakes my brain in an attempt to trigger whatever happens during a THC hangover that significantly lessens my anxiety and uno-reverses my executive dysfunction

[3knecrotic]

No look no I Know it sounds like I need to get humbled with a hammer when I say I have toO MUCH RIZZ BUT I HAVE TOO MUCH RIZZ AND IT INCONVENIENCES ME

So. I am. Not in a good mindset. I am. Rarely sober. I. Will always look to inebriate. Socializing is.. hard. And gauging tone and words can be even harder. Bonus points if they dont like it when you're high or if they become concerned with the repetitiveness of me being.. just slightly above planet earth.

And I'm depressed to boot so my demeanor has changed for MANY reasons and it's hard to mask. You hang out with them and all they do is worry about you. Annoying. Frustrating.

And being open and shut at the same time about life is. Eugh.

That said.

I'VE BEFRIENDED A REALLY KIND GOTH COWBOY AND I ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERED HIM INTO THINKING I DONT CARE ABOUT HIM AND IT STEMMED HEAVILY FROM OUR LACK OF HANGING OUT. AND IM SO FUCKING MAD I WISH HE WOILD JUST SLIDE AWAY JUST. DISTANCE. DISTANCE YOURSELF. THIS IS HIGH VIBES OF COMMITTMENT HERE AND YOU DO N O T WANT TO COMMIT TO THIS BUT YET GEE GOLLY WIZZ THEY WAANT TO WORRY ABOUT ME AT THIS POINT LIKE GOD GOD GOD

GOD

GOD. I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST. STOP. BEFRIENDING ME.

FUCK!!

[dendroculus]

i think i need to stop consuming weed because that shit made my soul rotate very quickly within my body. anyway look at these vultures

[wisterianwoman]

How and Why I Quit Smoking Weed

I knew that weed was only holding me back from the other things I wanted to do in life. Instead of looking forward to spending time in nature, pursuing art or hobbies, I was looking forward to smoking a bowl. I realized my whole life revolved around it.

Are you struggling to quit smoking weed/marijuana? Or maybe you’re wondering why it’s such a big deal to some people in the first place. This unique perspective on one woman’s journey to quit her dependence on marijuana takes a nuanced, balanced approach to an often misunderstood issue. my ‘safe’ drug Ah, marijuana. Everyone’s favorite gateway drug. It’s relaxing, ups your appetite, and is…

[dereksprettyboy]

How many people have died from marijuana

Partaking in weed can, be that as it may, weaken judgement and coordinated movements, so smoking cannabis prior to driving or doing other perilous exercises might build the gamble of a mishap. Notwithstanding, most specialists consider the gamble of kicking the bucket from marijuana itself to be exceptionally low.

This doesn't mean marijuana is a gamble free substance. While many individuals centre around the useful mixtures in weed, for example, cannabidiol (CBD), there are a few potential unfavourable symptoms of weed, particularly while utilising it long haul or very early in life.

Continue to peruse to look further into the wellbeing dangers of marijuana and whether it might actually cause passing.

"Weed" is a typical shoptalk term for marijuana and different types of cannabis. Any individual who consumes a lot of this medication might possibly encounter an overdose. The harmful responses created by marijuana/cannabis are not commonly deadly.

Be that as it may, this doesn't mean individuals don't pass on from weed-related causes. The utilisation of marijuana may fundamentally take a chance for contribution in a lethal or nonfatal engine vehicle mishap.

Marijuana Use in the U.S.

Overwhelmingly, marijuana[i] is America's generally usually consumed unlawful/unlawful medication. In 2017, the Substance Misuse and Emotional well-being Administrations Organization (SAMHSA) delivered the latest accessible figures on utilisation of the medication. As of the finish of 2016, around 24 million U.S. occupants beyond 11 years old qualified as marijuana clients. Grown-ups beyond 25 years old make up the biggest gathering of clients, trailed by more youthful grown-ups aged 18 to 25. SAMHSA figures show that generally 1.6 million more youthful young people and adolescents additionally consume the medication.

Marijuana Overdose

Like liquor, and a wide scope of medications and drugs, marijuana/cannabis can set off critical poisonous responses in the human body. The term normally used to depict these responses is overdose (or liquor harming on account of liquor). A few types of substance use overdose are notable for their capability to deliver hazardous or deadly results. Unmistakable models include:

Liquor harming

Heroin overdose

Narcotic medicine overdose

Cocaine overdose

Benzodiazepine (sedative) overdose

Marijuana Passing's? Could you at any point kick the bucket from Marijuana?

A great many people who overdose on marijuana/cannabis run no gamble of kicking the bucket from the harmful changes in their typical body function.[ii] Be that as it may, anybody who consumes extreme measures of the medication can encounter serious, possibly risky changes in their psychological or actual prosperity. On the emotional well-being side, likely results of an overdose include:

Psychosis (mind flights and preposterous reasoning) or suspicious psychosis

Extreme nervousness and through and through fits of anxiety

Indeed, even in moderate sums that don't prompt overdose, marijuana can prompt a fundamentally diminished capacity to think obviously, settle on sensible choices or keep away from risky circumstances. What's more, individuals affected by the medication can encounter a significant drop in the ordinary capacity to control and organise body developments.

Marijuana Overdose Fatalities

In spite of the low by and large possibilities passing on from a weed overdose, a few fatalities do happen. In 2017, the Public Foundations of Sciences, Designing and Medication delivered a book-length assessment of the wellbeing chances related with different types of cannabis. This assessment incorporated an inside and out audit of the dangers for lethal and nonfatal overdoses.

The creators of the Public Institutes audit note that few kids have quit breathing and gone into trance states subsequent to consuming cannabis expected for grown-up use. Likewise, they note that the demise of no less than one youngster is somewhat owing to ingestion of a consumable cannabis item. Three factors clearly make the chances of passing on from an overdose more probable than previously:

Broad, expanded admittance to marijuana/cannabis

An ascent in the sorts of cannabis items accessible for utilisation

A general ascent in the THC content of marijuana/cannabis in the last 20 or more years

Marijuana and Engine Vehicle Mishaps

Consistently, a huge number of Americans kick the bucket in engine vehicle mishaps. Moreover, north of 2,000,000 individuals support nonfatal, mishap related wounds. Substance use frequently goes about as a contributing element in vehicle, truck, SUV and cruiser wrecks. Progressively, one of the contributing substances is marijuana or another type of cannabis.

Any individual who consumes moderate measures of marijuana can encounter a decrease in a few of the centre abilities expected for safe driving. The impacted abilities include:

Familiarity with possibly risky circumstances including walkers or different vehicles

Satisfactory response time to unsurprising changes in street conditions

The dependable capacity to follow vehicles at a protected distance

Three separate examinations directed somewhat recently show that individuals with THC in their frameworks cause lethal mishaps and additionally bite the dust in deadly mishaps 2x more frequently than individuals with no medications or liquor in their frameworks. In any case, because of multiple factors, it's hard to choose precisely the exact thing that marijuana/cannabis plays in these passages.

In the first place, the figures used to ascertain marijuana-related engine vehicle passings don't determine the amount of THC drivers possessed in their frameworks. A few drivers might have been effectively "high," while others might not have consumed the medication for hours or days. What's more, individuals with THC in their frameworks are in some cases likewise affected by liquor or different substances. In the consequence of a lethal mishap, nobody can say without a doubt which substance(s) really added to the deadly outcomes. Similarly, examiners who find proof of liquor inebriation might in all likelihood never at any point think about marijuana/cannabis as a contributing component.

For these and different reasons, nobody truly knows the number of individuals that pass on in engine vehicle mishaps brought about by marijuana use. Notwithstanding, current proof plainly shows that individuals who utilise the medication increase their possibilities of getting into serious wrecks.

It's significant that liquor utilisation can considerably expand the gamble of driving affected by marijuana. As a matter of fact, while drinking, individuals who polish off even modest quantities of the medication can encounter a strangely fast decrease in the capacity to drive.

Marijuana Compulsion

Notwithstanding its developing standing as a socially OK substance, marijuana is a habit-forming drug. Truth be told, the American Mental Affiliation has laid out a particular determination — cannabis use confusion (or marijuana use disorder[v]) — for individuals managing side effects of fixation as well as non-dependent maltreatment. In 2016, about 4,000,000 Americans beyond 11 years old qualified for this conclusion.

Assuming that you or your cherished one is battling with issues connected with the utilization of marijuana or some other type of cannabis, Changes Treatment Center can help. Our staff of mindful, experienced experts is prepared to treat all types of cannabis use jumble. As well as assisting you with laying out introductory balance, we assist you with learning better approaches for living that add to a getting through sans drug way of life after culmination of our dependence treatment program.

[betterbooktitles]

"I’m certain I’m not the only millennial who feels we as a nation have taken a dizzying turn when it comes to drugs. I remember a uniformed police officer showing up once a week in 5th Grade (a year before Sex Ed) to explain how to avoid buying and taking drugs. Luckily, I already knew the dangers of the drug trade because I had seen The Usual Suspects. I knew cocaine was a bad thing to buy, sell, or steal, especially from a drug kingpin. The D.A.R.E. program, however, let me know how important it was to say no to anything fun, including alcohol. At least until I understood a little algebra first. We did role-playing exercises where we walked one by one toward the portly police officer and he casually asked if we wanted to hit a mimed joint with him. All we had to do was say “no” and walk to the other side of the room, defying the only rule I knew about improv. We wrote essays about how important it was to preserve our pristine bodies and minds, obviously unsullied since we had yet to take the class teaching us how puberty was going to defile them both. I’m still mad that my friend Nicole’s essay beat mine in a contest, and she got to read hers in front of the whole school all because she had the benefit of an older brother who took too much acid and sat in her room all night talking about why the existence of light proved God was real. My essay about a time I saw my friend’s dad drink a beer and then drive his truck somewhere was also good! We signed pledges to enter the new millennium drug-free. We took the red pencils that said “Friends Don’t Let Friends Do Drugs” and sharpened all of them down to say “Let Friends Do Drugs,” “Friends Do Drugs,” “Do Drugs,” and simply “Drugs.” Despite that little rebellious act, my friends and I spent a solid six months swearing we’d never put any harmful substance into our bodies besides every form of candy available.

Imagine how I feel now as a D.A.R.E. graduate becoming my dad’s drug dealer. It’s less thrilling than I thought it would be. Between my father’s warning not to hang around one specific neighborhood in Cleveland as a kid and nearly every TV show about drugs, I thought I’d always be buying marijuana from an intimidating dude who definitely had a gun and would use it immediately if he thought I was wearing a wire. Instead, I now buy marijuana from a well-lit storefront that looks like the Apple Store. I’ve even gone to a place where a guy with an iPad explained what each available strain would do to me. I buy what sounds good with all the confidence of a man pointing at items on a menu written in a language he can’t read. I put it all in a cardboard box. I place a book on top. I mail the box to my dad from my local post office. I tell myself the book is to hide the contraband crossing state lines, but in truth, the book is what clears my conscience. I want to send my dad something edifying while also sending him the drug that all of America worried would make me unable to read if I tried it once. The unrequested book is a red herring to distract from the vice, like when you were young and didn’t want to buy condoms outright at the store so you cushioned them between a pack of peanut M&Ms and a magazine. Hmm, what else did I need, — right, while I’m here — might as well pick up a few condoms.

Right as marijuana becomes legal in most states, I’m about done with the drug. I’ve had three good times on edibles, and one of them was when I felt nothing and fell asleep at 9:30 PM. I’m flabbergasted that my dad likes edibles. He seems to be a man free of anxiety. Case in point, I once brought him some THC lozenges to our summer holiday in Chautauqua, and around dinner time I told him “You might want to only take half of what I gave you” to which he replied, “I took it hours ago.” He was stoned and no one noticed.

While I’m stuck in my head, stoned or sober, wondering why I didn’t take some acting gig 15 years ago, wondering if I’ll ever make enough money, worrying I’m doing everything wrong including in this moment as I write this sentence, my dad is enjoying himself.

Judith Grisel, the author of Never Enough: The Neuroscience And Experience of Addiction, describes using marijuana as throwing “a bucket of red paint” on your brain. She was approaching the stimulant clinically in terms of how it differed from the laser focus of other drugs (THC reacts with many receptors in the brain, cocaine focuses on one), but now every time I smoke, I think of the red paint metaphor. While other people seem able to crank an entire joint and do insanely complicated stuff like function at their jobs, I am reduced to a gelatinous blob, on top of which my eyes and brain are navigating a dream state that, like many dreams, isn’t all that interesting the next day. Mostly, I get high and can’t decide what I want to watch on TV or what video game I want to play, I realize how hungry I am, and then I fall asleep with cereal still stuck to my teeth. Pot, for me, is like the squid ink hitting the screen in Mario Kart: I can still see where I’m going, but everything gets a little harder to do, and the panicked half-blindness makes everything slightly more chaotically fun."

Consider subscribing to the Screen Time newsletter.

Other articles include:

An essay on Claire Dederer's book Monsters and movies made by monsters.

Writing inside a Toyota Service Center.

Writing mistresses.

[dhl-au]

Master-post:

Main blog: @ark-fork Support me: [🔥Boosty] - requests ✅

This post is too big, so, just press <keep reading> button and enjoy! Old tags: The horror circus au, thc au

The Amusement park

Tutorial area: [Unlocked] The park [The park is full of attractions, abandoned a long time ago.] [The danger inside - Mannequins that can move if the lights are off. Happily that there's always bright.] The Circus tent [A dark circus tent that has no bright light inside.] [The danger inside - two clown puppets whom a tutorial encounters that Pomni uses to teach the player how to fight. A dark maze where Pomni plays hide and seek (under the tent)] Boss: Pomni [immortal]

Side chapter: The attractions area [there are many attractions, all of which are broken and not working, where you can see a lot of old mannequins.] [The danger inside - Mannequins, light cut off] The carousel [12 horses, mainly unicorns, pegasus, and common horses.] [The danger - these encounters can move and try to kill you if you come too close.] Boss: [̵͎̜͕̊ͅḐ̸̧̞̦̯͐Ĕ̷̪̘̑L̷̮̭͇̮̏̑̓̓ͅÊ̴̺͊͗̊͝ͅT̵̖̭͙̜͗͐́̕Ę̸̛͙͎͌̏͌͜D̴̢̨̢̬̚]̵̝̈́̉̀̕

Greek drama comedy pantheon

Chapter 1: [Unlocked] The pantheon [The giant ancient Greek pantheon that is based on Greek attributes like mazes with common myth encounters, traps, and puzzles.] [The danger inside - Minotaur, soldiers, dark in location] The Amphitheater [A large arena with a stage where operas were. Mostly destroyed.] [The danger inside - traps, gladiators, common myth encounters] Boss: Gangle

Dollhouse

Chapter 2: [Locked] The garden [The big garden with a dollhouse in the center, abandoned and broken giant villa with three floors. The garden is desolated and filled with dangerous encounters.] [The danger inside - Dolls, spiders.] The house [Giant villa, abandoned, broken, made in dark-colored wood and stone. ] [The danger inside - Dolls, bugs, traps, old floors.] Boss: Ragatha

Playground Meat Factory

Chapter 3: [Locked] The Factory [An abandoned meat factory for a long time, but with the mechanisms still working. There are many gigantic rooms here, which have complex mechanisms] [The danger inside - traps, puzzles, encounters "workers" and mechanisms] Boss: Zooble

Wonderland Nightmare-land

Chapter 4: [Locked] The forest [Huge forest full of mushroom trees, trees. Some of it can remind of human silhouettes.] [The danger inside Wild creatures (animals mostly), Card guards, flowers with faces, living trees.] Mini-boss: Cheshire cat The Madman's house [A small house in the shape of a hat is unremarkable at first glance. However, the inside of it is much larger and consists of long corridors with many doors. The location is full of scratches of nails, broken portraits, and furniture.] [The danger inside - Jax] Boss: Jax

Chess castle

Chapter 5: [Locked] The chess desk [A giant chessboard inside a majestic castle divided in half by two colors - old, slightly faded platinum and dark copper. There is weak lighting around the field from torches attached to holders.] [The danger inside - the chess. The Pale King] Boss: Kinger

[Locations gates] [The gate is giant and looks heavy because of the forged steel. Each gate has its unique tag belonging to one or another boss of the location behind these gates.] [Five gates in summary]

COMICS:

[redacted]

MASTER POST REF SHEETS:

Pre horror: [dont turm on the light!]

Game stuff: [cover]; [chapters menu]; [...] About: [DLC?]; [non canon DLC]; [winter DLC]; [...]

[Jax]

[Kinger]

[Queenie]

Post horror:

Size line: [additional]

3 | 6 Main Bosses

[mindblowingscience]

People who are pregnant or breastfeeding should be warned that using cannabis in any way, shape, or form has the potential to negatively impact their developing child. A new, preclinical study on rats spotlights the possible dangers of managing morning sickness or other symptoms of pregnancy with products containing either THC (Δ9-tetrahydrocannabinol) or CBD (cannabidiol).

Continue Reading.

[chronicallycouchbound]

Guide to interacting with people with psychosis spectrum disorders and psychotic symptoms

If someone who has psychotic symptoms is talking to you about their hallucinations or delusions, do not suggest:

That they are inherently violent or dangerous Why: Statistically, people with psychosis are more likely to be victims of violence, not perpetrators. They are more likely to be killed by police than people without mental illnesses.

That their hallucinations are actually reality and everyone else can’t experience it Why: this can cause further dissonance between reality for the person, especially if they’re actively experiencing symptoms. It can lead to derealization and depersonalization, and exasperate or trigger hallucinations and/or delusions.

That they are a prophet, god, all powerful, etc. Why: along with the above reason of causing further separation from reality, many people with psychotic spectrum disorders experience delusions, one common type of delusion is called delusions of grandeur, which is a specific delusion around perceiving oneself or one’s accomplishments as greatness or of higher status than others. This specific delusion can be dangerous because it can lead to the person believing that they are immune to consequences, including physical harm to oneself. By affirming beliefs of the person being god-like, it can trigger or exasperate this delusion. This is especially common with people who have Bipolar type 1 with psychotic features and they are in manic states.

That they should just meditate Why: Meditation often isn’t safe for people with psychosis! Studies show that unguided meditation is especially risky, because without focusing on reality, people with psychotic symptoms are more likely to have hallucinations, or have depersonalization/derealization.

That you can see/hear it too, when you can’t/lying to agree with their hallucinations Why: This will absolutely exasperate symptoms, also it’s lying and is wrong and a genuinely horrible thing to do. This one should be obvious.

That they should just use cannabis or other psychoactive drugs Why: THC and other psychoactive compounds, can trigger psychotic episodes in people who have or are predisposed to psychosis, and trigger anxiety and hallucinations, which can exasperate symptoms. That being said, individual experiences may differ greatly, and they may be able to use psychoactive substances with no issues, but to suggest it as a cure-all or without a proper understanding of its possible negative side effects can be dangerous. Also, many antipsychotics and other psychiatric medications interact with many psychoactive drugs, so it’s important to know if it’s physically safe for them to use both at once.

Things you can say/do instead!

When actively experiencing symptoms/episodes:

Maintain a calm and steady tone of voice, don’t yell.

Explain what you’re doing before you do it, and try to avoid sudden movements which can scare or jump someone

If they have an action plan, follow it. I also urge you to remember that they’re scared right now. They likely don’t want to hurt anyone, but they’re terrified. Find ways to be safe, preferably that don’t involve police (there are lots of statistics around why this is unhelpful and can be dangerous)

“I understand that you feel scared right now, let’s find ways to be safe through this.” Be supportive! Psychotic symptoms are similar to symptoms of any other mental illnesses, when someone is depressed or anxious, we often reach out with kindness, remember that people with psychosis also need that compassion and consideration.

“We are at [location], I am [name] we are [relationship to person], we are safe” Talking about reality can be really helpful, most people with symptoms need some guidance around basic understandings of reality, affirming what is real can help them distinguish what is and isn’t. An important note, reality checks can sometimes be more harmful than helpful. Usually, a person who needs a reality check will just ask the questions: “Who are you?”, “Where are we?”, Etc.

Sometimes, doing reasonable things to help them feel safer is necessary to help them calm down enough that they stop having severe symptoms. For example, someone who is afraid that people are watching them might want to cover windows and lock doors, help them create a safe space for them mentally by doing that. Some requests might be a bit odd, but harmless, like putting salt in the doorways so demons can’t get in, you can do that, or find alternatives to help them feel safe. It’s important to try to create this safe space while also affirming reality.

Try not to focus on the specific hallucination, but rather on their feelings, for example instead of talking about the demons or details about the demons, talk about their feelings about the demons, and how you can make them feel safer. It can help them feel secure to have someone in reality helping them stay safe while they cope with these scary symptoms.

Ask permission before touching, consent is particularly important for people with psychosis, we are often stripped of our right to consent while in episodes.

Offer snacks, stuffed animals, or other comfort items

When talking about their experiences, diagnosis, or when not in episodes:

Ask how you can be supportive, both in and outside of episodes, some people need help with remembering medications, or someone to call when they’re scared and having symptoms. Sometimes it just helps to be able to explain what they’re going through and have someone just listen. They know their needs best.

Help them come up with a crisis/safety plan for when they have episodes, it can literally save their life, or at least make it more manageable and sometimes less scary.

Check on them if they seem off, have life changes, or are isolating.

Learn their warning signs and help them stay safe before they have episodes, and hopefully prevent them from happening or being more unmanageable.

Offer to do reality checks if that's something that helps them

Offer to do medication reminders ( if you're able to)

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with Psychosis when I was 18. I have many psychotic symptoms including hallucinations, delusions, derealization, and depersonalization. This was written from my own experiences, research, and recommendations from providers. I highly recommend seeking out more information and experiences about psychosis to gain a more comprehensive understanding of it. No guide is one-size-fits-all, and this is definitely incomplete in many ways, but hopefully, this provides some insight or education for you.

[ryololart]

Ghost x OC who has a fear of open bodies of water.

TW: talk of drugs, fear of drowning, and kind of gory romantic imagery.

She hated water.

Didn’t matter the size, shape, nor color. If it was deep enough to drown she was out. Just looking at it made her throat feel like it was caving in on itself. Her head got dizzy and she had to hold onto something to regain a sense of self.

So how the fuck did she get here?

“Price why the fuck am I here?” The woman yelled in her mic, holding onto Ghost’s arm in the helicopter. They were in the air high over the Crimean Sea. She could feel the inky black water that was staring at her through the window seeping into her veins. Ghost tried to shake her off, telling her ‘that’s enough, cut the shit Sergeant.’, but her grip did not falter. 

“Ghost, do you see that shit? What if we crash huh?” She shrieked, letting go of him and running her hands through her hair. The normal blonde mess that was normally let down was pulled up in a lazy attempt of a ponytail. It stuck out here and there and bumps were consistent throughout the top. 

“Evans, if you don’t piped down back there and gonna toss you out the back.” Nikolais voice rang out through the comms. He was sitting in the front cockpit, piloting the heli. 

“You would never.” She gasps, putting a hand over her mouth. Fear radiating through her body. 

Ghost had his eyes locked on her anxious movements. He wasn’t used to her being like this. Calm and collective weren’t words he would use to describe her, but normally, frantic wasn’t one either. Her jokes and dark humor frequented his thoughts. He loved watching her pretty lips from the words ‘fuck you’ when she was mad. He knew just how her muscles were tense up when she was frustrated, how her grip on her tool would make her knuckles white. Even her sly smile when she knew she was getting away with something no one else could. That smile imprinted itself on the back of his eyelids and whenever he closed his eyes it showed up in the black fuzzy dots.

He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He knew part of the reason he had never seen her like this is probably because he had never seen her sober enough to get to this point. She had a whole cabinet of shit that would knock her ass out if it ever got this bad. Most of the time she couldn’t even get here because she was already high. She frequently said, ‘THC is a magical drug,’ and then would lay in the lawn chair she put in the garage watching YouTube on the TV she attached to the ceiling.

“I would now be quiet. Take one of those pills of yours-.” The Russian pilot tried to say before being cut off.

“Evans, do not. Evans, I repeat do not take anything. You must be sober on this mission.” Price’s voice, thick accent and all startled her in her headset. Price’s voice was commanding and controlling, yet had this warmness. It sounded like a father warning his kid to not do something dangerous. He was one of the reasons she hadn’t lost herself yet.

“So there you are! Despite me calling for you over and over, you respond when now?” She lectured, her voice shaky and desperate. She had moved from where she had been sitting, next to Ghost by the window, to the ground huddled in a ball. The ground was cold and metal. The sound of the heli vibrated her bones only adding to her unease. Her boots made this squeak noise that made her jump as she brought her knees to her chin.

“It was my smoke break Evans,” He chuckled.

“No it was not!” She fired back, rocking back and forth now, squeezing her eyes shut. All she could think about was how long it would take to fall from this height and straight into the water. Then how long it would take to drown and sink onto the seafloor. She imagined all the soldiers and equipment already laying there from past wars. They were in air space where fighting had been frequent. 

Her thoughts then tumble like waves waiting to crash on the shore. First returning from its last crescendo, pulling back sand, rocks, shells in its wake. The force of the riptide causing destruction in its path. Then turning over and over, taking water into its clutches and holding it tight. Tight enough you could cut it up with the sharpest knife. It builds up and up creating height and weight, enough to take down the forces of enemies stronger than its original state. Then it’s all too much for gravity to hold, so unforgiving, the weight unbearable, the pressure roaring so loud. It was going to break her, it all was too much. It would pull her down  to the bottom of the ocean, a rock on her chest, and the seaweed tugging her into its slimy arms. She would never go willingly, she would fight, and fight, until her lungs were about to pop without the promise of a next breath. She would suffocate and never give in. Never open her mouth and take that breath. Never let the wave crash.

“Evangeline, love, you are fine,” A hand rested on her back, the wave faltering in its place, shaking in anticipation. “I’ve gotcha.” The words touch her soul so lovingly, like fingers caressing her heart. It’s as if it had torn open her chest rib by rib. Breaking the physical barriers of her body just to please the emotional ones. As if a hand held her lungs softly and lovingly, soothing the pain. She bathed in that feeling, letting it overwhelm her. She’d rather drown in her own blood than the ocean. She would let her ribs crack and bleed then let the ocean consume her whole. So she took that breath, the one she held back so faithfully. She let go of the wave, watching it fade out onto the coast, caressing the sand. 

The deep breath finally escaped her lips, her hands shaking as they held her legs to her chest. 

“That’s my girl.”