#thats why they drugged and abused you your whole life with them''

[swagging-back-to]

this reddit post sums up almost all of my thoughts.

the only people who adopt from places like the one nina's aunt was running is because they are not willing to go through the requirments to adopt a child legally (take a quick parenting class, show a social worker you have a safe home, take a background check) or that you FAILED to meet requirements to adopt legally.

and as someone who was wrongfully imprisoned in a psych ward and forcedfully drugged until i started accepting the act of being drugged, i can confidently say that the entire arch of nina being forcefully medicated was abuse. it was traumatic.

i found it weird how the redditor never mentions the slap scene. How nancy responds to Nina finally opening up about her trauma and her experience (after nancy has a meltdown in public about how nina's trauma has nothing to do with her and that she has no control in ninas life anymore) by physically assaulting a trauma survivor, a kidnapping survivor, an abuse survivor.

[ofbrokendreams]

Everything, everywhere, all at once

This is just a silly little future fic. I just threw all of my ideas into a pot after bingeing The Bear Season 1 (multiple times). Its 10.9 k words total. Its pretty much stream of consciousness because I'm undecided if I'll come back to it later and flesh it out into a real fic. That being said I'm apologizing early for grammar, abundance of commas and general lack of a time line. Hopefully this will bring someone enjoyment and amusement.

Part one is 5.3 k words.

Part two

Part Three

I'll probably cross post this on AO3 at some point. (I did it.)

TW: cursing, discussions of sex, discussions of abuse, discussions of mental health, discussions of drug use, discussion of suicide, depiction panic attack, pregnancy (let me know if I missed anything)

GIF by starryyshadows

EXPO DATE

Sydney walks into The Bear. Service in full swing, full dinner rush with a packed FOH.

Carmy’s at expo running tickets and the count and he’s got an ear out for troubles.

Sydney calls out his name: “Chef. Carm. Carmy. Carmen!” Before he finally answers and glances at her.

His brain stalls out. He called her five times, he texted her SOS. But she’s-

“What are you wearing?” Is the first thing out of his mouth. Taking in the short expensive looking dress and high heels Syd is wearing.

“What the fuck does it look like I’m wearing?” Syd asks with a huff. Carmy shakes his head and gestures toward the line. 

“Why is my restaurant not on fire?” She asks and Carmy stares at her. “What the fuck are you talking about?” “SOS, five fucking calls? What am I talking about? I took the night off! So why isn’t this place burnt to the fucking ground?” “I-I”

He looks away for a moment as a dish is set down and then back to where Syd was but she’s gone. Carmy goes back to his work calling out “Hands!” 

“Give me your jacket,” Sydney demands at his elbow, heels gone and replaced with her Birkenstocks. Carmy stares at her but she gestures for him to hurry up. “Mine’s at home, this is a $300 vintage dress, give me your fuckin-“ he cuts her off with a harsh sigh but does trade her his jacket for the apron in her hand.

They stand side by side for a minute, hands working on auto pilot as Sydney catches up.

“We needed you. Where were you?” “I was on a fucking date, Carmen.”

Syd takes over expo and shoos Carmy away. When he doesn’t leave immediately Sydney snaps. “Get the fuck away from me, go, please go do something else.”

Carmy goes, checks on everyone and then he’s on the line because their down three chefs and that’s the whole reason he called Syd in and its a long fucking night.

After service when it’s just the two of them left Carmy apologizes for calling so many times, ruining her night off. Sydney apologizes for snapping at him.

Carmy mentions, “I didn’t know you were dating.” Syd nods but  doesn’t look at him. 

“I have to…I have to have a life, you know? Get a life. Outside of this place? I can’t…I can’t resent it. I love The Bear and I want to keep loving it.”

“No, thats, that’s totally reasonable.” Carmy nods and Syd smiles. And Carmy’s heart beats erratically. Because he’s losing her. 

He’s fucking losing her and he never even had her. 

And he’s confused because she’s so amazing and beautiful. And he’s himself and how could he think-

He remembers the first time she walked into The Beef and his heart beat like this, ‘oh no she’s pretty’, and all other thought left his mind. And he was asking about UPS like it was a fucking restaurant despite holding her well crafted resume in his hands. But then there was months of work and screaming and quitting and tomato money and The Bear and project managing and baby Mikey and Claire and fucking off and fucking up over and over. 

He has no right to be jealous, Sugar is quick to remind him when he slowly carefully brings it up a couple weeks later. A quick “Pete out,” and they’re alone in her living room. “You’ve had a girlfriend, Bear. Doesn’t Syd get that too? She’s better at this shit. We both know she won’t fuck off like you did.” And it’s so harsh and vulgar and not like Sugar, though it reminds him of ‘did you know I recently had a brother die too’ and it’s gnarly in that same way that cuts him to the quick. So he laughs and nods. 

“But like…think about it, Bear, your feelings, yeah?” And Carmy nods knowing he won’t. That he’ll push whatever this is down and away, far away from where it might touch Syd, taint her with whatever fucks up Berzattos. 

STAR CROSSED SOUL MATES

The Bear receives their star, two in fact in their first year.

And it’s Sydney, her drive, her dish that gets it for them.

He’s not surprised. He’s been doing everything he can to make the way for her but she’s paving it herself. 

Its an honor, a fucking privilege to watch her rise, to watch her recognized.

He’s so crazy in love with her that he can’t imagine being jealous of her even though there’s a part of him that thinks he should be. Carmy’s always been competitive in the kitchen but with Sydney…he just wants to get as many spotlights on her as possible.

It’s strange but it’s how’s its always been. He’s never felt in competition with her but for a moment, that first review that horrible day and it had ended with her leaving The Beef, leaving him.

He thinks about how insanely lucky he is that she came back, that his offer ‘Family style? Two-tops, booths?’ Was answered with anything other than go fuck himself. Instead Syd had given instantly from that wonderful brilliant brain of hers, ‘Danish design’. Not a question.

She’s so talented and beautiful and creative and thoughtful and good, so good at what she does. He wants-needs everyone in their world to see it. To be so fucking jealous of him, of them, that he found her, they found each other.

All those other places that tried to stamp out her spark, fuck them, they’re shit compared to The Bear. Compared to the inferno that is Sydney working at full capacity, supported and challenged. 

Nat’s the first to bring it up, texting him while he’s trying to think of how to bring it up to her.

Sugar: 11:57 pm; she needs to be a partner. Like a real one

Bear: 11:57pm; absolutely 

When they bring it up on Wednesday before shift, the three of them huddled in the office. Syd shyly takes their praise but looks like she might cry when Nat explains that they are making her a part owner of The Bear. Sydney insists that she can’t pay for it but Carmy points out the sweat equity she put into the place. And Syd’s not sure if that’s even right, even how this works but Nat’s got documents from a lawyer, holy shit.

Uncle Jimmy says “Its about fucking fucking time Carm. Thought we’d lose her before you figured that shit out. You know why I said ‘I’m in’? Because you’re fucking talented and she’s fucking talented. And I love you, and you’re not starting from fucked this time. But I will, I will break your legs, Carm.”

And then Sydney’s got an arm full of Berzattos. And she’s really not a hugger but there’s nothing else to do in this case. No words to express how she feels. She’s family, they’re family and this is their place: their family restaurant but for real now.

The whole team parties at the restaurant on the Friday following the Michelin announcement.

Syd goes back to Carmy’s as its closer then taking the train back to her dad’s place.

Its like two in the morning and they have work in the morning.

When they get to the apartment they drunkenly make Mac and cheese. Laughing and cursing when they almost grate their knuckles. Carmy makes the sauce and Sydney’s cackling when he almost scalds it.

“First time?” Syd laughs dumping the cheese in and Carmy pushes her away from the stove. “Jesus Syd its gonna be all- fucked.” Carmy laughs and Syd just shrugs and drains the pasta.

Its good and lumpy like Carmy though but they’re both still to drunk to really care cause its good. 

Cause they’re fucking good, they’re Michelin star chefs, “for real this time, you earned it”, Syd is quick to say when Carmy laughs at her. It sobers him up a little the realization.

Once full and sleepy they head to the couch, with Sydney falling backwards onto it by accident.

Carmy tries to grab her but she’s just giggling not hurt at all. He shakes his head and joins her, looking down at her every once and a while.

They sit side by side like that for a long time even though they should go to sleep. Watching old Good Eats episodes instead.

In a lull, Sydney asks Carmy if he believes in soul mates while pointedly not looking at him.

Carmy thinks for a good minute thinks about saying no right away. Then thinks harder. Thinks of Nat and Pete- Jesus. Then says “Ye-yeah I guess I do.”

Syd’s quiet for a while before saying quietly, “I think you’re my soul mate, Carmen.”

Carmy nods and takes a minute to answer. “I know you’re mine, Sydney.”

They don’t move other then to intertwine their fingers, and the angle is awkward like they are but its nice to hold each other’s hand.

He thinks about how she’s the coolest, lamest, kindest, meanest, funniest, smartest girl he’s ever had the privilege of knowing, of working with. 

Thinks of how she probably thinks of him as a platonic best friend kind of soulmate.

He wonders if that’s what he meant. Platonic. 

He imagines kissing Syd. He imagines touching Syd. He imagines fucking Syd. He imagines making her giggle and squirm and scream and beg. He imagines her holding him down while she rides him, her hands splayed out on his chest her fingers digging into his skin-

He’s going to hell. Like he already knows this but he’s really going to hell.  

At some point Syd falls asleep and Carmy carries her to his bed before heading back to the couch. She grabs his wrist and softly asks him to stay with her, voice sleepy and thick. But he can’t deny her. He can never say no to her. 

ENGAGEMENTS

Its been a long day, the longest day.

New chefs, new menu, old clients and old problems (Cicero) are plaguing Carmy and Syd.

Their still arguing: about Carmy not listening and Syd still being to impatient.

They take refuge for a few minutes behind the restaurant in the alley on the crates where they had their first heart to heart. Their team trusted enough to wrap up without supervision after the last ticket’s gone out.

Carmy’s smoking a cigarette and Syd’s scrolling but not concentrating on her phone.

He shouldn’t be thinking about it. He promised himself that he wouldn’t.

Promised himself that he wouldn’t cross that line. Wouldn’t taint her with whatever makes him turn shit to ash.

But-but-

It’s been like months since she mentioned going on a date or talking to a guy or a girl or anyone. And it’s been…fuck he’s such a piece of shit cause it’s been great for him. 

He doesn’t know what makes him ask. Why his brain jumps to far ahead, skipping every fucking step but it’s what he does. 

Makes a mess of things.

After a few minutes of silence Carmy clears his throat, “You wanna get married, Chef?”

Syd is quiet for a while, a long time it seems. “Yes, Chef. Someday.”

Carmy nods not looking at Syd, eyes on his shoes but not really seeing.

He says in a voice almost to quiet to hear, eyes shut tight now, “I meant to me.”

Syd stands and its a moment before Carmy feels fingers running through his hair, tugging slightly to make him look up. Sydney’s got an unreadable expression on her face but then she smiles, a little sadly but mostly fond. 

“You really do need to learn to listen you know? I said ‘Yes, Chef’.”

“Heard, Chef.” Carmy replies, eyes following as Syd walks back into The Bear.

Carmy casually brings it up to Sugar. He doesn’t really mean to but it’s Monday, their day off, and they’re meeting for coffee and breakfast. He’s late having stopped at a store just before meeting her. “I think Syd and I are engaged.” “I-I didn’t know you were dating?” Carmy shrugs, shakes his head. “I kind of just asked her?” Sugar nods looks at Mikey in his stroller and sighs. “Let me see it.” She says and Carmy pulls the little red box from his pocket. She opens the box and then closes it and hands it back to him. 

“Its good.” Is all she says before their waiter takes their order. 

The next morning Syd comes in early and he’s in the office. He calls her over. “Hey can I get your help?” “Obviously.” Syd laughs joining him in the office. 

He grabs the box and then stands behind her. “I just I need you to hold onto this for me, for a while okay?” He says arms going up and over her head. The gold band with the three small circular diamonds sparkling slightly in the harsh overhead light of their office. 

Sydney’s heart stops she swears it stops but she reaches back to pull her long braids out of the way and he hooks the gold chain around her neck. She fingers the ring now laying on her chest and sighs. Turns around and grabs him by his hair pulling him into a heated messy first kiss. 

BREAK UPS

Things are good for a while. Blissful even. They go to work, go to Carmy’s apartment, eat, make love, sleep, repeat. 

Syd’s basically living at his place now spending one or maybe two nights a week at her dad’s place. She’s had a key to Carmy’s place since week two of this. 

They laugh a lot and joke a lot, or Syd does and makes him smile and laugh and breathe. 

And the sex. So much fucking sex. They’re both insatiable in their own way.  

But nothing lasts forever. 

Syd wants more, needs more. The ring that lays against her skin is like a fucking brand sometimes. It’s all she can think about but they never discuss it. Never even a fleeting question of courthouse or big party? 

She does talk about the future though. Insists on it.

He’s her…fuck he’s hers right? 

But it scares him. He shuts down when she casually mentions moving to the suburbs or having a kid or kids someday. Or if any of that is even something she wants. But it’s all her and he doesn’t join in just humming and nodding. But noncommittally. And it eats at her. 

Sydney’s about fed up. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to handle him anymore. She wants to be all in but he seems content to just be stagnant. 

Outside of the restaurant all they seem to do is fight and ignore each other. They’re so in sync in the kitchen but so disconnected outside of it that it’s jarring. Every night, every phone call, every text is like a bucket of cold water.

Finally after another night of self-flagellation and non-apologies Sydney’s had it.

“I need you to love me more then you hate yourself, Carmen! Or-or this is never going to work.”

Carmy’s quiet for a while and then nods. Agreeing. “You’re right. I’m sorry, you’re right. I can’t-I’m not, you deserve better. You deserve more than this, then what I can give.”

Syd’s panicked as she realizes whats happening. She tries to stop him, to beg him to not do this but Carmy just continues talking over her. 

“So you’re just…giving up? You won’t even consider that you could change? Get better, be better?”

“I-want more for you Syd, I want the world for you and I’m holding you back.”

Syd storms into his bedroom and begins packing her things. She wants to hit him but she won’t so she separates herself.

Carmy waits leaning back against his couch. 

Not thinking about it. Not going over it. 

Dissociating completely. Remembering how it felt in New York, going into work and he was a machine.

When Syd comes back out Carmy starts, “We need to talk about the restaurant.”

Syd scoffs, “Fuck you, Carmen.” “Its important-“ “We were important and you threw that all away.”

Syd leaves back to her dad’s place.

When he finally heads to bed, after standing at the front door for an hour, Carmy looks at the bedside table. There’s her ring on its gold chain and her key with its cheese keychain and-and the stupid fucking lighter she started keeping on her for him. For him. 

This is right though. This is what he needs to do. For her.

She’s to special. He never should have…he messed up and she’s tainted now like he is, unhappy and wounded but she’s stronger than he’s ever been. She’ll bound back and stronger too, he’s no doubt about it.

When Carmy tells Sugar that they broke up she explodes. Demanding an explanation. When Carmy does his best to explain she explodes again. “You are the most selfish asshole I have ever met. I can’t-I’m so ashamed of you, Bear.”

When Carmy asks for her explain as to how and why, Sugar does explain although she doesn’t feel he deserves it. “Instead of listening, instead of doing some self reflection, getting help, going to therapy or something, working on yourself you’ve just decided to do nothing. To change nothing even though you’re hurting Syd.”

“I’m trying not to hurt Syd!” He defends but Sugar’s not having it. “You’re being a martyr. I know…I know you thought it would be you. In the ground by now but it’s not, you’re not dead and you’re not going anywhere. You need to start accepting that, you have a life and you need to live it. And your fucking actions have consequences.”

Its a lesson he’s thinks he’s been taught before with the same result, his selfishness hurting Syd (The Brigade, Claire)

“I don’t deserve her, Natalie.”

“You make-you make Syd happy, you make me happy. People love you, they care about you. And you can’t accept that and you push us all away. And it’s not fucking fair, Carmen. Don’t we deserve to have you? To really have you? We all love you so much and you just…you just reject everyone.”

Carmy stares at her as Mikey gnaws on Carmy’s knuckles, his chubby little fingers wrapped around the S and U tattooed on Carmy’s skin. Mikey looks up and smiles and Carmy thinks he understands.

At Sugar’s insistence Carmy contacts a therapist.

HELP WHEN NEEDED

Carmy’s first few therapy sessions go well. “What are you here for?” Terri asks kindly. And he stares then just starts speaking, “I um…own a restaurant, it used to be my brother’s restaurant, well it used to be my mother’s restaurant and my dad’s before he left. But my brother killed himself and he left it to me and I-I changed it, made it into our dream restaurant.” “That is a lot of changes in what I’m guessing is a short amount of time?” He nods and sighs, “I left home a while ago, just left and worked, I’m a-a cook. And I-my sister I just left her to deal with-with our mom, she’s not well,” and he gently taps his temple. “And Sugar, uh, Natalie, I-I left her to deal with her and-and Mike he was um- he was a drug addict, and I’m going to Al-anon but my sister she said, um one-on-one is better. And our dad was gone. And-and I was with my business partner for a minute and I’m so…I’m so fucking in love with her but I-I left her, I broke up with her because she-she asked me to do something I can’t do and she deserves so much, she’s so amazing and she deserves someone who can give her what she wants-what she needs.” 

“What did she ask of you, Carmen?” “She uh- she asked me to love her more then I hate myself.” “And is that an unreasonable ask?” “No-it’s-it’s what Sugar’s been wanting me to do for years. But I can’t-I don’t-“ “I see, I think we should start there and I have a feeling much of the rest will fall into place.”

Carmy and Syd have an informal non-discussed truce at work. They avoid each other if possible but for the most part work well. 

They do tend to argue more heatedly then ever before when discussing menu changes or really any change to the restaurant. Tina and Marcus discuss, “It’s like…this thing happened and neither of them can move past it or want this place to change past it.”

Richie calls Carmy out after witnessing a particularly rough back and forth. Carmy tells him to get lost but Richie won’t let it go. “This place only fucking works because of the two of you, together. At least for now, with how good she is we’ve only got Syd another year or two and we need her. You need her you fucking idiot.”

Carmy tries coming in early but Syd does the same thing. Alone in the office they hash out their professional issues. Both of them agreeing that they’re having a hard time changing things after the break up, it makes things feel to real. 

They come to an understanding that things need to change, they have to keep going, for themselves, for the restaurant. 

Syd laughs at how reasonable Carmy is. She says she’s proud of him. 

He blushes and nods, “It’s mostly Terri.” “Who’s that?” Syd asks curiously. “My uh…my therapist.” Syd stares at him for a long minute before launching herself at him. He holds her tight as she squeezes him even tighter. They don’t speak but break apart when they hear Nat coming down the hall to the office. Syd’s grinning at him in this new way. He thinks it might be pride. 

Carmy’s getting better. Working through his childhood, his parents (separately), his siblings (separately), his school years, his depression, self harm and avoidance, his years under psychotic chefs (New York especially), Claire and his lack of romantic relationships, his anger (“Ah I understand the nickname: Bear” Terri laughs gently when he explains how explosive he gets sometimes, how stubborn he can be) and Sydney, Sydney, Sydney. 

Terri reminds him often that he can’t be doing this for Sydney.

“She may move on. May see other people, fall in love, get married, have a family, and you need to be okay with that. You need to get healthy for yourself.”

Carmy’s eighty percent sure if Syd found someone else to make her happy he’d be okay with it. If they treated her like the queen she is he could understand.

He’s not even sure how they got here. They’re sitting in their spot behind the restaurant. He’s got a cigarette in his fingers. 

And he asks her, stupidly, about the future. And it’s gets a little heated but nothing to bad; they’re not at each other’s throats. Its like a real adult discussion. “It’s just…you were talking white picket fences and-and the American dream, 2.5 kids and a minivan-“ “You have like- you drive a mini van-” “And its just- that’s not me, and I wasn’t going to hold you back from your dreams. From what you want.” “I wanted you, Carmen. I wanted…any house in the suburbs I wanted because it would be our home. Any kids I wanted was because they would be our kids, your kid. I didn’t-I don’t…that’s what I wanted. I wanted us but you-you just decided for me, Carm. And-and that’s not fair, is it?” Carmy shakes his head and looks at her, watches her get up and walk back into The Bear. 

He hadn’t ever considered that, that she might not be wanting the whole perfect family thing but just…a family with-with him. 

So no, it wasn’t fair. 

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Carmy’s trying to be there for everyone more. Encouraging Marcus and Tina and Ebraheim and the freshman. Getting to know them like he knows the old crew. Getting to know the old crew even better. 

The Bear is running better then he ever could have imagined. There are no quiet nights, they’re booked every night with a waiting list three weeks out. Both their food and their stars drawing customers in. They’re on track to pay Cicero back and Nat and baby Mikey are doing so well. 

He and Syd have probably never been so in sync. They work out the spring menu in a couple of hours rather then the days they predicted before starting to test recipes. Even the things that don’t turn out inspire them. 

They always test at the restaurant now, before shift or after. Never at his apartment like they used to and Carmy misses the closeness, the intimacy of it just being the two of them in his apartment. He doesn’t bring it up though. 

Doesn’t dwell on it until Syd kind of invites herself over. She’s been texting him all morning on a Monday, all morning, about this new idea and she’s at the market now getting shit. And he just thumbs up her text then sends, “I’m out of creamer.”  She shows up half an hour later laden with grocery bags and in one is her favorite coffee creamer. 

It’s kind of a thing after that. They go back to his place after work almost every night to keep working. And Syd sleeps in his bed while he takes the couch. And it’s so close to normal. 

And he’s fucked cause this should be normal but it’s not its really not. 

Normal is holding her and kissing her and laughing at her mean jokes and making love to her until the sun is coming up and they both know they’ll say they regret it but they won’t. 

But he keeps going in this new normal, what anyone else would say is normal, not kissing her. 

It feels inevitable. One of their blow out fights. They both try to head it off, signing ‘I’m sorry�� early in service. Tina’s on her game, commanding the freshman but Marcus is losing focus. His sous is on it but they’re to busy for this. And Syd snaps and that’s not like her. Not at all. And poor Marcus is upset now and Syd’s apologizing but she’s flustered and making it worse almost. Carmy calls her back to expo and takes over with Marcus. Getting him out of the weeds. But then Carmy’s on Tina and Syd’s annoyed, cause Tina will fuck him up and it’s the last thing they need tonight. Syd doesn’t mean to but she calls him out, voice loud across the kitchen and they stare each other down. And when they meet in the walk-in the fight is so loud that the whole kitchen hears it. Somehow they’re able to keep on topic but they both know what it’s about. They’re yelling about the team but they’re really yelling about them. The tension between them has reached an unlivable level. 

They don’t solve anything that night and when their five minutes are up in the walk-in they go back to work. Apologize to their staff and keep going. 

They don’t talk about it for a few weeks. But then one night at Carmy’s Syd grabs his wrist when he retreats from his room, clothes to sleep in tucked under his other arm, from the dresser she insisted he buy while they were…while they were. “Can you…can you stay with me?” She asks and it’s so sweet and perfect and he wants to say no but can’t say no to her. So he nods and changes in the bathroom before going back to his bed-her bed and laying next to her. 

They don’t touch. And nothing changes there. But they get back on even footing. 

He’s out with Richie and Marcus and Sweeps and Fak and their newish boucher Roy. And it’s good. It’s nice even. 

Carmy doesn’t go out. He doesn’t do hang outs. He rarely drinks because he’s always alone and that’s a state of depression he never wanted to walk himself into. But now surrounded by his employees turned friends and family he feels settled. Comfortable. 

They get trashed. Absolutely hammered. And as they walk down the street, Marcus and Sweeps sing/rapping a song he vaguely recognizes from Sydney, Carmy thinks of Michael. Of both Michaels actually. Of his brother who cut him off before he could have these moments with him so he has them with Cousin instead. And of little Michael, and the idea runs though Carmy’s head, of years down the line of telling a very Michael-esque story to his nephew of this night and how Michael lives on like that. Thinks of picking the kid up early from school to get ice cream (will Sugar put him down as a trusted adult? He thinks she might). And two am phone calls when he’s at a high school party drunk and he won’t drive but “Uncle Carmy I’m in trouble” and he knows Sugar would kill them both. But Carmy here in Chicago its his how and Mikey’ll grow up with him and trust him and love him. And he’s his favorite uncle…his only uncle. And it’s getting away from him, his thoughts are.

And then they’re standing outside a well lit building. It’s stupid really it is but their hyping each other up and it’s just…really really stupid. 

Syd’s at her dad’s for once since Carmy was going to be out all night. 

Cousin’s on the couch and groans cursing when Carmy starts the coffee grinder in the morning. 

They sit at his little dining table and sip their coffee and nibble at their bagels. Until Richie looks at Carmy strangely. 

“What’s on your fucking neck?” “The fuck? How would I fucking know you-“There’s like plastic on your fucking neck, Cousin.” And Carmy drops his bagel as he remembers their last stop of the night. 

He’s in his bathroom quickly and pulling the plastic off his throat. 

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

In thick black letters stark against his skin is ‘Sydney’.

“RIP, Cousin,” Richie snickers from the bathroom doorway. Carmy flips him off and then sighs turning his head. It’s really fucking on there. 

Syd’s going to hold him down and cut it off or maybe he’ll get lucky and she’ll just book him a tattoo removal appointment. 

She doesn’t do either. It’s a Monday he thinks, good, it gives her a whole day to fume and get over it. She comes over after Richie leaves around noon. All bubbly and happy taking about this little butcher she found and they’re to small to use as a vendor but they have cool cuts and she’s thinking. 

It takes her a minute to notice Carmy still on the couch. “Yo Carm-the fuck is that?” She stops, leans against the arm of the couch, fingers digging into the fabric. 

“Look, we got really fucking drunk last night. And hit up some shitty tattoo place. And-and Marcus got this huge pink donut on his fucking thigh and-and I got this.” He gestures vaguely at his neck. 

And then he suddenly got a lap full of Sydney. Laughing and cooing at him. “You fucking loser! You got my fucking name on your neck! What the hell were you thinking Carm?” But she’s grinning and her hands are in his hair and she’s more amused then angry. And she’s so fucking beautiful, he can’t help but lean up and kiss her, she kisses him back and it good. It’s right. 

It’s perfect. 

They’re so caught up that it seems the most natural thing in the world for them to spend the rest of the afternoon on Carmy’s couch. Fucking in every position they can get each other into. 

They make dinner after a hour nap and sit at his little dining table. And they don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about it and they don’t repeat it. 

[rigginsstreet]

I have been thinking about how young fp was constantly crying out for help via hurting himself and acting up and getting into drugs and drink 🤧 bc he was so desperate for someone to understand how bad he was hurting and what he was going through but he didn't know how to communicate it and then when he did actually use his words in the flashback episode and talked about his dads abuse no one cared 😣 and I'm sure it wasn't the first time someone turned a blind eye... but all this to say I think Fred was one of the only people to really see that for what it was and furthermore to actually take fps pain so seriously 🥺 fp couldn't even hide it or downplay it if he wanted to because when he was struggling fred would pick up on that and be worried and sympathetic and wanting to hold him and fight for him and just acknowledge how much fp was going through without fp having to ask 😖 he knew it was serious and that fp was always closer to a crisis than he let on and he treated that with the weight it deserved 😔 he took care of him and comforted him and worried about him and paid attention to him and he wouldn't let fp forget he was loved... And maybe this saved fps life a time or two... That's all 😖

ok but we have to circle back to fp opening up about being physically abused and being met with dead silence and like on one level i get it because its a bunch of teenagers revealing their traumas (except hermione whos just mad her mom doesnt like her boyfriend for very valid reasons lmfao that was the realest hermione moment that entire episode) theyre not gonna know how to handle that appropriately but then imagine youre fp whos been abused his whole life, watched his mom get abused too, and you finally say it out loud and just... nothing. and i think part of him was probably grateful for that response because he doesnt want to make a big deal out of it, even the way he confesses it is kinda jokey and sarcastic, but thats gotta sow seeds in his head that this will be the reaction he will always be met with so why bother ever saying anything?

and the way as an adult he's both still harboring intense trauma from that period while also still downplaying it.... like at that god awful thanksgiving dinner when hes saying how fred never complained about his parents like the rest of them, he can say that because in that moment hes removed from the situation, its in the past. but when jughead talks to him about bringing senior back around or waiting to actually face him in person, that safety guard is down and he really goes back into being scared and angry and anxious all over again like when senior is an immediate threat he cannot control his emotions he cant mask the fear

anyway... something to think about

[scentedchildnacho]

I don't really know why access center male staff is willing to play such archetypically selfish dumb jock killer roles.....they can't access equal rights he keeps reeping all the benefits

I think they are more from here not migrants or tourists...I think their whole lives as school fellows has created them as family name sociopaths

Its been their whole life that inequity in institutional capability would just drop out or murder or sicko or less well grade others and their titles would come in off aid packages meant for socialization and turned into anti social hegemonics

Doomsday theory is more relevant then simm theory I think Russian scares can't like the states and leave I think it is more a civil war of institutionalized men like them have always seen their classes raped or failed and have come to expect and condone traitor privilege

I think the nightmare of it is people reject correct psychedelic science that institutionalized men could come to regret and apologize for using their communities to develop their name

Russian scares the far north inuit detainment does trace its origins from across the berring straight and blame Americans attempts at moving northward for the tragical diseases.....but that's far away compared to federal and confederate conscription

Anyway this book just reads that police research or producing strong emotion is obsessed with sex change

I think their the type of men that can like women if their a strong woman and women who survive the school biology weight loss coach pedophile if they called them a male name do use hormones to augment their features to more bisexual norms

That's me about what library lady is to survive the public school pedophile one has to become more bisexual and able to hit the monster as bad as it hits

I wasnt quite sure why always a very crackhead horrible obsolete machine as a secretary dark chaotic and cruel without the light of enlightenment and it called me George so I just keep getting fatter because it won't ever be for me to be masculine

I looked for queer artists to see what their fantasy anthropolgy is of a continued hermaphroditism that forever is an organic atm that also births and takes times to shovel stone at the quarry

Only ladies with handle bar mustaches want a smoke that really fucks them up like a shark cage

Cassils....very right wing....

And then the forever atm that births and smokes pot like a handle bar mustaches barge man....also so obliviates itself within the buddhistic nothing that burns itself to again be reborn

Lex barberrio

Then if people want to adopt a baby they just push the would you like an adoption also instead of receipt button and a baby comes out the bottom in a nut seed egg like the birth of the whole universe

I think about what very obsolete programming already precedented problems do promote or aid and thats very right wing artists

Austin James smith.....

Those people are ontarios and if rules remain very obsolete and presedented then extreme physicality allows the Russians to escape

I was like God those people are annoying they have never figured out to do anything else so it must be that they help Russians leave otherwise I don't live in a tolerant nation of Mal hospitality and rude conduct

Their maybe priorly abused Mormons....so people maybe can treat them kind of hatefully....

Austin James smith is about a lot of hatred

Her stuff on Ovid...just read that when men want you to hate them your spirit shape shifts into an abused big cat or bear or something that would maul it if it expected to be so attractive as an obsolete communist drug addict

[serumandsteel]

the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

[noeggets]

Scourge? Thoughts on his character or how would you interpret him in your canon?

okay well in my canon which i call our canon (me and @ssxdz2 i tag her because its more of her scourge i just use him every headcanon comes from how she interprets him in our world)

Scourge is not Sonic im not gonna go into Sonics family in Scourge i will if anyone ask about Aleena but sense this is Scourge i will go into everything that matters on his part

Scourge is the first child of Aleena and Dash (Dash is like a country boy who she met when they were children playing with Bernie she met Dash and his best friend Mighty's dad who i dont remember his name right now) there is a story there about Mighty's dad but i wont go into it cause this isn't about Mighty or his family

Aleena has super speed Dash has super speed so Scourge is gonna be a product of that

i don't remember why she had to leave him with Dash cause she took Sonia Manic and Sonic with her (and lost her children cause this ain't sonic underground Chuck took Sonic with him back to knothole / island place and she took care of Manic and Sonia until she had to leave to go to the hedgehog - echidna war and help out AGAIN im not getting way into this because this isn't about her but thats some backstory)

she did have to leave him with her husband anyway Dash didn't really know how to take care of him he took care of him wrong causing him to hate him more so he gave his son to a temporary new family planing on going back to get him but forgot about him

the new family wasn't a good family and i don't think they really cared about him so he hates his dad and his new family

Scourge grew up in station square where he met up with Manic and Sonia sometime in his life he knows Manic and Sonia are his siblings cause he saw them as babies he doesn't really care or talk to them much at this point in his life but does ask for help from them when he really needs it (Sonia gets dragged into the whole BuT wE'rE fAmiLy act everytime)

//Trigger warning Drug Abuse//

Scourge and Manic are drug buddies Manic makes money by being a dealer Scourge will again use the family status to sway him to give him some but if it doesn't work he will threaten him if Manic is feeling brave enough to refuse

//End//

Sonia believes him to be a good for nothing not bothering to check in on him because hes probably always up to nothing good she tells Manic to stop interacting with him cause his bad will rub off on him

Scourge and Rouge are really close friends like almost definition best friends she lets him hide in her house (her secret house before she was part of G.U.N) when hes on the run they enjoy almost the same things theft included i think they almost were together but Rouge was like nahh thats my bestie

The only reason they met is because they both lived in station square i don't know how they met but they met and that duo is one of my favorite things about him

they are still friends Rouge is just a little busier nowadays but she visits him sometimes they still a duo she talks to him about her love life hes that kind of friend

Scourge and Sonic's first meeting was like a puppy meeting a dog for the first time Sonic didnt even know he had family outside of Uncle Chuck Sonic was eager to meet him and get to know him when they moved to station square from the island sonic soon found out Scourge is hard to deal with and makes really non-heroic life choices but they continue to be on good terms enough to chill together always Sonic really cares about him Scourge really cares about Sonic he nicknames him Blue but calls him that and only that all the time

Scourge hates his dad he wont even call him his dad or dad at all it is his life wish for his parents to separate he really loves his real mother and aunt tho

(Aleena and Aunt Bernadette who he affectionately refers to as Ma and Auntie ) Bernie spoils him and gives him his favorite food her home made lemon squares he ate so many he got fat once

Scourge is a player we know this everybody knows this but he kinda really likes Bunnie i think he keeps trying to sway her every chance he gets

Scourge also was with Fiona when he lived in station square she left the island Sonic and Tails lived on in the orphanage when i think Eggman took her but she escaped him and became friends with him never saying a thing about her past to him fearing he wont understand yet felt okay enough to form a relationship with him that was not the best for her mental health due to him cheating all the time

(IDW era) Scourge currently lives with Fiona and her new boyfriend (Lightning Lynx) alongside the Destructix he lives a calmer more relaxed life now his team who hes not the leader of anymore (Fiona is) he does a little good now and then but is ultimately still a trouble maker

He made friends with Mighty who introduced him to Ray he is a bad influence on Mighty but Mighty seems to not change from it at all

Scourge is the first child i said before i don't think he ever uses his status against his siblings

Scourge 18 | Sonia 16 | Sonic 15 | Manic 14 Sonic DX Era

Scourge 22 | Sonia 20 | Sonic 19 | Manic 18 start of forces

everybody kinda lost their minds in forces so i cant talk further on that until our written what happened in forces document is recovered so i can tell you what he did

Over all her Scourge is a funny little dude who makes wise cracks and i like her ver of Scourge who is like the guy who makes fun of everyone in the room

[ectonurites]

hey! how knowledgeable are you on stephanie brown? because i got in a bit of an argument with a dc fan on reddit who claims she's all these awful things, but im still relatively new to steph and i want to see what was true and what wasn't. link to screenie right here: https://ibb.co/vh6CYCJ

these may be matters of opinion, but even then, i'd like to know your take. i haven't read her firsthand often enough and i trust your judgement over this random redditor who seems to have some sort of blonde-woman related trauma left untapped.

I'm not necessarily the most knowledgable on her in the world, but I do know a decent amount because she's one of my absolute faves and I love her

But ohhhh boy that screenshot is a lot.

I will say that several of the things this person brings up are based in canon but are taken in the worst faith and framed in the way that makes her look as bad as possible, if that makes sense? It’s ripping things away from any context, because there's a very clear bias against her here.

I'll go through it point by point under the cut

First of all though before digging into this, I want to make it clear she was a 15 year old for the majority of the things this person is talking about. Like just pause for a second and remember she’s a 15 year old victim of abuse. That is something that I think factors into a lot of her behavior! Anyways, I kinda while doing this got into a ranty 'talking at you' format in response to the person who wrote all that, so don't take any of this as me yelling at you who asked the question/you anyone reading this.

"She always acted entitled" - Saying Steph is entitled is absolutely ridiculous to me. Stephanie grew up with a very unstable childhood due to her dad frequently being in prison and her mom dealing with a drug addiction, living in a lower class part of the city. Tim is entitled. I don’t mean that as like a bad thing about him, but he is based on his living situation, she is not. She has wanted life to be better for herself and her mom, and is determined about that, but she is not and does not act entitled.

(Secret Origins 80 Page Giant)

"and stubborn" - I will give you stubborn though, that one is true. She’s stubborn as hell! I don’t really see that as a bad thing though, pretty much every bat is stubborn?

"demanding that Batman and Robin accept her untrained ass" - Steph may have been untrained in fighting but she's shown to have exceptional gymnastics skills from the start, and at one point Bruce even says that with the right training she could be as good if not better than Tim (in Robin #88)! So like... her realizing she enjoys trying to be a hero after she tried it out to deal with her personal business, so she looks to the local experts… and is determined about it… how is that a bad thing? It’s also not like she walked up to them and said ‘im perfect as i am let me in’ what she wanted was a chance to be a hero. But she also wasn't even really looking for approval, either, not having Batman's blessing was never going to stop her. ("So excuse me if I don't jump when you bark, Batman." in Robin #16) Later when Bruce does bring her in to train (and she also gets to train with the BoP) she's excited! She’s stubborn about wanting to be in the hero business, but it’s not like she’s unwilling to work for it.

"advocating leaving criminals to die because they 'deserve it'" - She’s a 15 year old who grew up knowing firsthand how dangerous Gotham criminals can be because of her dad, of course off the bat when they’re in a dangerous situation where any of them could die (because that’s the context here, this is in Robin #35 where they’re trapped in some super dangerous snow) she thinks they shouldn’t go back for another criminal who just tried to kill them and should instead save themselves. But she also literally WITHIN THAT SAME ISSUE then says she realized she learned something after listening to Tim and trying to save the guy! In the same issue! Characters in a story aren’t supposed to be perfect from the start… they learn things along the way???

(Robin #35)

"trying to steal from the shops they just stopped from being burglarized" - She’s 15 and doesn’t have a ton of money. She was gonna take two sodas, and when Tim said not to do it she paid with very little fuss. They stopped people who were robbing the place at gunpoint for prescription drugs. If you can’t understand the difference in severity between those things like… I do not even know where to start. (this situation is in Robin #56 btw)

"forcing physical affection onto Tim despite his visible discomfort and repeated objections (not even stopping when he told her he had a girlfriend)" - This one I will give you because she did cross boundaries with all that! But I do also want to clarify that she didn't start coming onto him until after Tim kissed her first (in Robin #5) while not telling her he had a girlfriend. That doesn’t excuse her later actions but for the first issue that she’s coming onto him from her perspective he expressed interest and she was just returning it! She even specifically says 'Maybe I should pay you back for saving my life the same way you paid me' (in Robin #16) before kissing him. That first time she kissed him unprompted was under essentially the same circumstances he kissed her unprompted, and she literally did not know about Ariana until after the fact. From that point once she knew about Ari she definitely should have backed off and she didn’t, that’s a very fair thing to criticize about her as a character. But Tim lead her on first, and I feel a lot of people like to casually forget that when talking about this situation. The way this is phrased of ‘not even stopping when he told her-‘ implies she was repeatedly doing the bad behavior before he told her, which is not the case. She still did bad things here but don’t misrepresent the situation.

"And lashing out at Tim, her mother, and her classmates in violent fits of anger" - Every comic book character lashes out at other people for the sake of drama like, I dare you to come up with a well-known superhero character who hasn’t done shit like that to a partner/family/friends in a moment of high tension/stress?

"She treated the girls around her like they were stupid bitches" - frankly this ones a little too vague like, I'm not sure off the top of my head exactly what they're talking about? in that era right around her pregnancy and stuff I really don't recall her being mean with other girls? I could be forgetting something I guess but the closest I can think of is a bit after this period of time when she has the confrontation with Greta in Young Justice but that was Greta attacking her first, not the other way around.

"got insanely jealous if Tim so much as expressed concern about another girl" - Steph getting jealous and thinking Tim was cheating isn’t that crazy when STEPHANIE BASICALLY WAS THE OTHER GIRL DURING TIM’S LAST RELATIONSHIP? Tim has cheated a little bit before! Tim cheated on Ari with both Jubilee from Marvel (during a crossover thing where he even mentions Ari specifically so it’s not like this was out of continuity/a setting she wasn't an issue or something) and also with Steph. While most of the kissing between them was Steph coming onto Tim which I wouldn’t count as cheating on his end, he did still kiss her which I would count. Not to mention that the jealousy thing (I imagine they’re talking about the instance with Star, the girl who taught Tim to skateboard, this arc of stuff starts in Robin #80 and continues for a few issues) is happening during the time she’s dating him while she still doesn’t even know his real name. He literally has a whole other life she doesn’t know about, and is someone who has initiated romantic moments with other girls while in a relationship multiple times before! With that in mind I don’t think a 16 (she's def 16 by this point) year old girl being kinda paranoid about how he interacts with girls he might know in his civilian life is that unreasonable? The later big instance with jealousy is the Darla situation- where Steph sees Darla kiss him and gets mad about it (and doesn’t talk to him about it) and thats what prompts her to become Robin. The important thing to remember about Steph in this time frame is that DC decided she had to die and they wanted to make her Robin first to drum up more attention for that death. They were doing ooc things with her to set those pieces in motion, and that needs to be taken into account. I think her getting upset about seeing something like that isn’t even ooc, but her using it as motivation to become Robin and not even saying anything to him about it is. In the earlier instance where she’s upset/jealous about Star, she does communicate to him what’s going on at least a little bit on the rooftop after they’d saved her. She makes it clear the thing she was upset about is that she feels like she can’t trust him because she doesn’t really know him while he knows everything about her, and that’s why she thinks he’s cheating. Her reaction to the Darla thing is not in line with how earlier in canon Steph would have handled the same situation, because they wanted her to die and needed a way to explain her becoming Robin.

"and expressed that jealousy by accusing him of cheating and throwing things at him" - I just addressed the cheating stuff but the throwing things was fucking slapstick oh my god this is a comic book for kids/teens like. ah yes this is horrible abuse in this little funny montage of how Steph wants him to leave her alone because she’s mad at him and he refuses to give her space

(Robin #82)

I don’t think anyone at DC or even in fandom would/should try to argue she’s perfect, because she’s not! And I don’t want her to be because perfect characters are boring. Steph is flawed, Steph has been compared in canon to Robin-era Jason by Cass & Bruce

(Detective Comics #790)

And I think these highlight some of her very real flaws that are an interesting part of her character. These plus her stubbornness and determination are part of what makes her her.

And for fuck's sake the world was mean to her, and to act like it wasn’t is just blatantly ignoring a lot. A criminal father who made her life really difficult (‘when my dad was mad at me he’d lock me in the closet!’), that time she got kidnapped for two weeks and her mom had left her (a 15 year old) alone at home so long she didn't even find out it happened (in text Steph says Crystal was visiting friends, a lot of people interpret that as her mom possibly being in rehab for her addictions again), that whole thing about how one of her dad’s friends tried to sexually assault her as a child, also just how due to her dad's work sometimes criminals would be living in their house (Literally the fucking Riddler at one point!), the fact that we as an audience watched her get tortured for several days because a plan she tried to enact to prove herself backfired since Batman didn’t trust her with important information (something Selina even calls him out on in her internal narration), like… sorry but in what way is all that not the world being mean to her?

She was Robin, she dated Robin, she likes Eggplant (because purple would've looked stupid), and makes jokes. She’s also impulsive, headstrong and determined, and wants to prove to herself and others that she can be more than just the daughter of a shitty criminal, that she can actually be a force to do good in the world.

She’s a complex character, and nobody is required to like her, but to act like she doesn’t have a single redeeming trait is ridiculous. You could write a paragraph like that with the worst moments of basically any character and make them look like shit if that's what you were setting out to do.

[sortagaysortahigh]

No literally this episode of euphoria was so wild that I’m literally still thinking about it. So here are more of my thoughts, you dont have to read them but i had to put them down somewhere. Like these only focus on rue jules elliot and cassie tho cause thats rlly all this episode got me focused on and focused on

First and foremost lets make it clear that literally Rue is the shittiest of shitty, out of everyone on this show her addiction had made her into a complete piece of shit (which is incredibly realistic if you know addicts) and homegirl is really wrong for traumatizing the fuck out of everyone in her life. There’s really not any if ands or buts ab it, Rue is a shitty person who dug herself into that hole that she’s in. Now we can also look at the other characters who are literally almost all pieces of shit in some way shape or form-and that’s the truth. We see everyones backgrounds and why they are the way they are-but that doesn’t excuse being shitty people. 

Jules is a shitty person-why? because she lived in a fantasy world instead of opening her eyes to her addict of a girlfriend while also cheating on her addict girlfriend when she literally was fucking hella randoms like six months ago and also left Rue at a train station or some shit when rue really needed her, yes rue is still fucking wrong for dragging jules into her shit but jules made that choice to be involved with rue knowing her past and knowing her mother was an addict. Not to mention she cheated on her with ANOTHER ADDICT who she wasnt mad at for doing drugs? she was only mad at rue?. Rues a shitty liar and jules lived in the fantasy that she as sober instead of opening her eyes. 

Elliot is a shitty person for literally lying to Jules’s face then finally admitting the truth after fucking her last episode like genuinely I believe is the most manipulative person on the damn show. He doesnt give two fucks about jules or rue and it shows cause first of all why would you let her willingly do fent and heroine when you know how bad that shit is...talking ab i do it w her...no you dont bro you watch her get higher than high and youre like lol so you wanna fuck me or nah? are you like asexual cause you dont wanna fuck me? 

Dont get me started on fucking cassie, miss “YOU TWO WERENT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFREIND SO I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG” “IM CRAZIER THAN MADDY NATE I LOVE YOU NATE” like girl first of all therapy is necessary bc you dont love yourself and project your insecurities to the point that you literally started fucking your best friends abusive ass ex. Also the “im cassie im here to save the day and give positive advice and vibes to you rue” like girl youre fake as fuck please calm down, you’re no better than any other bitch in this room. And her mom is also a piece of shit too and an alcoholic enabler but thats a whole other story

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[xoxo-teddybear]

Oh, The Lies You Tell - Bakugou Katsuki - pt.4

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: angst, trauma, abuse, betrayal, fluff, slice of life, smut, cursing, manipulation, possible spoilers, physical harm, 18+

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

Ep. Warnings: cursing, small angst

Summary: after getting caught by dabi, Y/N’s been extra cautious ESPECIALLY with Bakugou. She’s still trying to figure out her feelings about..well, EVERYTHING and so to cope, she blocks out everything and isolates.

Pt.1 Pt.2 P.3 P.4 Pt.5 Pt.6 Pt.7 Pt.8 Pt.9

A/N: Kinda short, Sorry :P

Bakugou’s POV

After spending all that time with Y/N, I could definitely say I like her. Like...LIKE HER like her. She’s..amazing. She has to be one of the top fighters in our class, she’s beautiful and has an incredible body. Her voice is like honey and she has this smile..that’s just..wow. Besides her physical, her as a person is incredible. She’s a good listener, she’s so open minded, she’s respectfully honest, and she brings out the better me.

I’ll admit, I’m pretty strict on following rules. I need to make a good name for myself out in the hero world. But Y/N has a delinquent past. She teaches me to risk it with the stupid rules and just enjoy life as a teen. Not only that, but considering she’s a little rebel herself, she can get out of hand sometimes. So she has me to keep her from going over the cliff. We’re a perfect balance for each other.

.....We’re perfect for each other.

No one’s POV

The morning after your little rendezvou with Bakugou, you woke up in heartache. You were so confused on why. Was it because you were something you’re not to everyone? Was it because you were doing this for the league more than for yourself? But you weren’t dumb. You knew the answer. Or rather, answers. Firstly, it’s because you knew you weren’t enjoying yourself by going through with this plan. It didnt feel right. Second, Bakugou. As scared as you were to admit it..you liked him. You really liked him.

That fact terrified you. You didn’t grow up around love. You grew up around hatred, bloodshed, violence, and fear. For your entire life, everything was all about survival. Even when you had a “steady” home with the league. But Bakugou came into the picture and threw you off. With him, he gave you a sense of security and peace. A warm feeling inside your heart that became more addicting than any drug. Yes, you enjoyed it but at the same time, it confused you. You weren’t sure how to deal with these emotions. You weren’t even sure if you deserved to be blessed with these emotions. With Katsuki.

You were and are a villain. You are the high ranking villain, Titania, and you are on a mission to take down UA from the inside. You were a villain, and you knew your place. A killer, a criminal, a thief, a menace like you didn’t deserve these feelings of..love. You didn’t even know how to handle them. So you did what you thought was best no matter how bad it hurt you.

When you walked into the hallway that your dorm opens up to, you were gifted with the surprise of Katsuki being there, waiting for you.

“Hey Princess,” he began but looked down to your side. “Princess and Rumor.” He said as he chuckled and petted Rumor’s head. Rumor smiled up at the familiar blonde and barked in happiness. Those two got along so well. “So I was thinking we could walk to class together.”

“Sorry...but..no. Come Rumor.” You said and turned away as you cringed at yourself in regret. Rumor followed you, along with Bakugou.

“Heh..sure princess. Try again.” He said thinking you were just messing around. Except, you didn’t answer him. You just kept walking with a blank look on your face, as if he wasn’t even around. Your entire persona was just..off? No playful remarks, no sass or attitude, no teasing mannerisms. It wasn’t you. “Hey, Y/N.”

He tried to put his hand on your shoulder but you sped up and walked out the doors with Rumor leaving Bakugou in confusion and hurt.

‘Did I do something wrong?’ Bakugou released a quiet whine to your behavior and just shook his head and continued to walk to school.

When he arrived in the class, you had already been seated. Thankfully, your desk was next to his so he could try speaking to you then. He firstly walked to you and tried getting some sort of conversation out of you.

“So..what do you think is gonna happen today?” He asked. Even he thought it was a pathetic question but at least it was something.

“Not sure.” You blatantly replied.

“Oh...okay well, uh, Shitty hair and I were planning on getting a workout in later, do you wanna join us?” He asked again.

“I’ll be training with Rumor today and thats all.” You said.

“Nice....you uh, mind if we join you?”

“No.”

“Uh....okay. Cool...........Y/N, listen I-“

“Take your seat Bakugou. Class is starting.” Mr. Aizawa said. Bakugou reluctantly took his seat but not before looking towards you with desperate eyes for at least something more than what you were giving him. But nothing came.

Class went on and Bakugou tried to focus as best as he could, but with the girl he was falling for completely brushing him off, he was in a silent frenzy. Bakugou and you had a thing during class hours. When you guys were dying to talk to each other, you would pass little notes to each other’s desks and continue with that. So he did his usual notes with you and passed one your way. It’s said ‘are you doing okay, Princess?’ But when he tossed it onto your desk, you left the crumpled piece of paper there as you continued listening to Mr. Aizawa.

Since you didn’t reply, he sent another one your way. This time, making sure it hit you a little bit to get your attention but once again, nothing.

‘Wtf’ Bakugou thought. He assumed you were just having a bad morning so even though it hurt him, he left you alone to cool off. I mean, it’s not like he was the only one you weren’t speaking to. You were practically ignoring everybody’s existence.

Lunch rush came and Bakugou was a little relieved. Y/N always say next to him no matter what happened. Even on those quiet days where she didn’t speak a lot during that time, he was glad she was still there and would occasionally join in on the conversation just like he did. But you didn’t come this time. Bakugou waited and when he finally saw you walking towards the table, he smiled and spoke.

“Hey Princess! About time you-“ but before he could continue, you kept your head straight and kept walking, not even sparring the table a glance. He watched you walk on and sit at a lonely table. No one was there. It was just you and Rumor. Bakugou stared from afar and after waiting for a few minutes and giving you multiple concerned stares every now and then, he finally got up to walk to you. Before he could even leave his seat though, Kirishima held him back.

“Don’t man, give her some time. She needs a break.” Kirishima said.

“From what exactly? If you know something, you should tell me now! Cuz if there’s something messing with her, tell me so I can kill it.” Bakugou replied. He was a little hurt thinking that you told Kirishima your problems and not him but he was really more concerned with what’s bugging you. What the hell was bothering you so much? Whatever it was, he’ll make sure it stops.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but it’s obvious she doesn’t wanna speak to anyone right now. Just let her stick by Rumor and be at peace for the day. Or at least until she’s feeling better.” Kirishima explained. And Bakugou knew he was right, so with a stubborn groan he sat back down and just continued to stare.

The day went on and Bakugou let you be. But it was definitely killing him on the inside. He struggled to hold himself back whenever he saw you in a room but he did restrain himself. Once in the common rooms, he noticed you didn’t even bother to stay for a minute. You went straight to your dorm even though Rumor stayed to play with Kaminari and Sero. You spent all day in there and only opened the door to Rumor. When you finally came out, it was to grab a plate of dinner for you and Rumor. You didn’t even stay to eat, you brought the food to you room and that was the last time Bakugou saw you that day. This whole thing was killing him, but what he didn’t know was that from the privacy of your room, your own tears fell much heavier than Bakugou’s.

When Y/N entered her dorm room and placed the plates of food on her table side, she sat on the side of the bed with her head hanging low, casting a shadow to fall over her face. She gripped her bed sheets and she held back sobs. Her teeth grinding against each other in frustration as her eyes squeezed shut to attemp to stop the flooding tears but to no avail. As her hiccups left her voice, Rumor came to place his head on her lap to calm her down. She placed one hand over her mouth to silence herself and calm down as she rubbed Rumor’s soft fur. She eventually gave in and sat on the floor, hugging and holding onto the giant wolf-dog.

“T-This isn’t our place Rumor...this isn’t where we belong. We’re v-villains....we don’t deserve the good they’re giv-ing us.” You sobbed out as you cried into his side.

“I d-don’t belong here!” You cried out. You sobbed into your mattress as Rumor waited for you on the side. He didn’t know what to do with his best friend being so distraught. Your continuous sobs went on for a few hours into the night. Rumor stayed right by your side through it all. The silence that filled your room was so loud and head ringing, it was almost torture. In a quiet voice, you whispered only to remind yourself a fact that Dabi had told you.

“I don’t deserve him.”

——————————————————————————

“ARGHHH!” Bakugou screamed as he snapped his pencil in anger. Y/N and Rumor just walked passed the group and went to Y/N’s dorm in silence. The Bakusquad looked at the ash blonde in concern. They knew how this boy felt. Y/N’s been avoiding him like the plague and Bakugou can’t get her off his mind.

When you completely ignored his presence, it put Bakugou into a state of sadness. Whenever he tried to talk to you, he was given brief answers followed with your dismissal. He tried doing favors for you, making time to hang out again, and asked to train with you which resulted in him getting rejected each time. It was driving him mad and he just wanted to be around you again.

“I still don’t get why the hell she’s acting like this! When we hung out, everything was perfect! What the fuck is going on with her?!” He shouted in anger. When Y/N is around, Bakugou gets this warm feeling inside that he’s learned to love. Now the girl is never around and he’s bursting in anger at every little thing. Can you blame him? He’s kind of hurt. The girl he’s in like with doesn’t even acknowledge him when she passes by anymore. He misses you. A lot.

“Well why don’t you ask her?” Kirishima questioned.

“Because I-.........actually, that’s a good idea.” Bakugou said as he dropped everything to run up to your dorm and talk. How could he have been so dumb? Listening to Shitty hair. All that hair dye is messing with his brain and local advice. He couldn’t believe he had really left you alone in pain for a whole day. Now, he was gonna get to the bottom of this one way or another. When he made it there, he began banging on your door without even giving it a second thought.

“Y/N! Open up, c’mon! I know you’re in there.” He said on the other side. In the comfort of your bed you poked your head out of the covers and reluctantly got out. You knew he wouldn’t stop till he got his answers. So you went to open the door and put on the best smile you could.

“Hi Katsuki,” you said with a huff. “Look, I’ve been having a really bad headache so if you don’t mind-“

“Nope,” he interrupted and just pushed open the door to get inside. How charming. He walked in and you just rolled your eyes and sighed. You shut the door and turned to him. “You can’t lie to me about some headache Y/N, I know it’s not the truth. You’ve been avoiding me and I wanna know why.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just..needed some time.” You said, looking everywhere but at him. A silence entered the room. Not the comforting silence it usually is with you two, more of the nervous kind. Bakugou thought about what he would say next..he didn’t even know if it was okay to say. But he did it anyway.

“Is it...me? Did I do something wrong?” You looked at him with a shocked face as he continued, “‘cuz if it was me, then... I’m sorry. I’m new to this whole..whatever we have going on, but I’m really trying here and I-...I don’t know, I thought that night we went out was pretty good, but I can do better if you jus-“

“Katsuki, hey no, stop that,” you said as you walked up to him. “This has nothing to do with you messing up or anything. That night was amazing, you are amazing, and everything that’s happened between us so far has been..amazing.” You confessed.

“So then...why? Why all the distance? Why do you avoid me?....what happened?” Bakugou asked as he got closer. If something was wrong, he genuinely wanted to help you out of it. You just laughed a little before you spoke, realizing how cliche you were gonna sound.

“Look, it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve just been going through something..life changing, and I don’t really know who I am yet. I just..needed a break from everything. Especially you.” You said as you looked him in his eyes.

“Especially me? Why?” He asked. The amount of nerves that hit you all at once was ridiculous. You could confess right here right now and rip off the bandaid. Or you could lie your way out and save yourself the embarrassment. You bit your lip and tilted your head towards the ceiling for a second in exhaustion before speaking.

“Because.....Ugh! I like you, all right? A lot. You..you’re really cute, and fun, and there’s just all these amazing things about you annddd..” as you spoke you looked at his face and he started to grow a small smile as he looked at you with that cocky look and a slightly raised brow, “stop doing that!” You said and smacked his shoulder.

“Ow, what?” He laughed out. “Stop doing what?”

“That! That stupid face that you do when you look at me with that smile and face when you just...and..you....you just-.....Umm..uh..” you trailed off from your sentence as Bakugou leaned down into your face, resting his forehead on yours.

“And..?” He asked.

“And...and no free compliments!” You said as you pushed his shoulder and turned to your side. He chuckled at the way you pouted and crossed your arms. “Look, we’ve established that I like you Katsuki,”

“Keep going, I like what I’m hearing,” he said with a grin and his hands in his pockets.

“And that’s the problem.”

“Okay, stop. I don’t like it anymore.” He said and looked to the side with a grouchy face. You laughed and walked up to him and pulled at his arms.

“No, seriously,” you said with a laugh, “I like you, but that’s the problem. Where I’m from...it’s..different. I never really got to explore emotions like this..so..I don’t really know how to handle them. It’s confusing. I just thought, if I isolated and took some time to myself, they would go away...but they haven’t. They’re still here, they’re still strong, and I still don’t know what to do.” You said with a heavy breath. The weight finally came off of your chest after your confession but something was still poking at you and you weren’t sure what. You didn’t let it bother you for too long though, you finally felt like you could breath again.

“So..what? You’re emotionally constipated? ‘Cuz if That’s the case, then I’m the same way, princess. We must come from the same place.” He joked.

“Oh no we don’t. If anything......it’s almost like we’re from two different worlds,” you said with a slightly sad demeanor that Bakugou detected. He picked you up, sat on your bed and got comfortable while placing you on his lap.

“So then explain. Talk. Tell me about this ‘different world’ you claim you’re from, princess.” He said with air quotes as he kept one arm snug around your waist.

“I can’t,” you sighed and looked down at your hands in your lap, “if I told you everything, I know for a fact you’d just drop me outta your life...I know it’s selfish but I don’t know if I could honestly handle that,” you quietly said. Bakugou tilted your head so you were facing him.

“Nothing you say could ever make me want to get rid of you..I promise.....something about you just..makes me need to have you around.” He said caressing your cheek. You both stared at each other, enjoying the warmth you both radiated. The atmosphere changed into something some would call love, and if this was what it was, you didn’t want it to stop. It became something so comforting and addicting the both of you didn’t want to lose it.

Once again, the world around you fell away, as you and Bakugou became the only two people in the world again. He leaned in closer, and you mimicked his actions, until the soft feeling of his lips pressed against yours. Fireworks went off in your head as you met in the middle in the softest way, and what started as a passionate kiss turned into a sweet makeout. Your lips danced across one another and you both could savor the taste you were experiencing. While the flavor of caramel and spice came onto you, the delicious taste of strawberries and scent of vanilla invaded Bakugou’s senses. He adored the way you tasted and craved it even more after every second. When you both finally separated, you stared at each other with starry eyes and heavy breaths as you leaned against each other in a loving way. Blush adorned both your faces as the comforting silence filled the air once again. Bakugou was the first to speak.

“Y/N...whatever it is you need..assistance, time, comfort, I’ll always provide. Just please don’t push me away ‘cuz I won’t go.” He said with his head against yours.

“Yeah..heh, I believe you,” you softly said. Bakugou pulled your head down to lean against his shoulder as you cuddled into him, enjoying the moment. Until you realized, you might just have to tell him everything. Bakugou seemed to sense your little nerve and settled you down. He kissed the crown of your head before speaking.

“Tell me everything when you’re ready, princess.” He said. You felt tears of joy fill your eyes, but you didn’t let them fall. You just reveled in the comfort and love Bakugou was giving you. Love. How amazing. Something many people had told you, you didn’t deserve. But Bakugou came in and changed all of that for you. He came into the darkness and provided the small amount of light you needed. You were so thankful for him. You smiled before speaking in a sweet voice of appreciation.

“Okay.”

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Don't touch...

(L/n) (Y/n).

Quirk? Unknown to him until the days of today...

Your company after all these years had been quite... enjoyable for him to not say the least. Most of the time you wore a mask, gloves and clothes that covered most of your skin, yet you always opted to be more free, feel the sun and the wind on your skin... he never get it why though.

Without the clothes you would remember a bit of him, flinch away from the touch even before it could touch you... yet when it was on your clothing you just reacted calmly and dare he say even sweetly.

He came to know you as kids, just barely when he entered the yakusa Pops showed to him you.. a kind soul that asked him if he wanted to play despite the look of distrust and hatred he gave to you just when you looked at him.

He never complained about you not wanting to be touched, he didn't liked it either. But he could tell you had... different reasons. As the years went by, he notice the dreadfull and even the remorse behind those (E/c) eyes of denying someone touch, a pat on the head, a hand shake... a hug.

It was... strange.

It's funny how reverse psychology worked... thats at least what he deduced from his own analysis. He didn't felt comfortable, heck actually he felt sick to the stomach if everyone else got too close to him or forbid God to ever lay a finger on him... but with you? The more you would get away from him, the more he wanted you to stay by his side... you were one of the few whose he felt comfortable enough.

He had gone through one of the most painfull feeling right on his childhood. Parental neglect and abuse, not even mentioning the pain he had to atture of controling his own quirk, testing on both victims and himself. Seriously, what could be worse than that?

Simple. When he found out that he was actually catching feelings for you, and your neglect of touch was even from him.

He didn't know what was so special that left his skin itching to just brush against yours...he just.. needed to test the waters. Yeah, it was only that.

The Hassaikai for a very long time had a plan for touching you. Since you werent as deadly and scary as Kai, and had kinda of a good partnership for all of them, he just could watch the shit go downs.

But soon stopped being a joke one day where Mimic went from behind you and tried to grab your wrist as you listened to his other plan to tell Pops later. He didn't even could tell you before your reflexes acted and you kicked Mimic square in the face.

"Dont. Touch me. This is not a joke anymore." You muttered in anger before bowing to Kai and leaving the room, his golden eyes widening at the drops of tears you let it slip from your eyes.

Mimic never once thought that the young sucessor of the Hassaikai could be even more enraged and such a monster when dealing with you. Rappa could only laugh since this time he wasn't the one having his ass beaten and overhauled. Haha poor him I torture him sometimes here

He couldn't understand... until the day where you were crying your eyes out. He couldn't understand until you just threw three blankets at him and hugged him for all your might.

His breath suddenly dissapeared...he didn't know what to say or even do at that point, and just when he was about to lower his arms you pulled away from and took the three massive blankets away from.

"Sorry, Chisaki.." you sniffled as he blinked, stoic gaze still present at your depressed state. "Really, forgive me I-"

"You never once told me about your "despise" for touch." He interrupted you, letting you lift your head for him to speak again "We both know my reason, but you're far away from a clean freak person or a mysophobic... explain it."

His eyes never widened at the point where it even hurted his whole life.

Your illness. Your quirk. That was why you couldn't touch anyone neither let anyone touch you. Your quirk allowed you to give resistance to others with only one glance and gave you amazing reflexes... but the consequences were way too big....

Hearing this made his skin form into hives, anger at despicable things rising even more.

From that way beyond, he promised himself that he would create a cure. It didn't even matter, he just needed a cure for this. A cure for you to stop suffering.

More years went by... he saw your worry at Pops condition, he saw your worry towards him for both being charged with the chore of taking care of the girl and both for him to get the tittle as the big boss.

Yet he couldn't stop. When he discovered Eri's quirk he saw a hint of light on the end of the tunnel. You wouldn't ever need to use thick clothes to protect yourself from vanishing from existence.

The bullets were only experimental. He selled most of them to be used as... experiments. He would use the first serum on you, and this way you could stop this nightmare where many nights you confessed to him... as he confesses his own sins.

You wouldn't like to know about Eri, so he simply erased the idea of telling you that. He never answered your questions on what he was working. His mind fooling him that he wasn't exactly lying to you if he hadn't said anything.

He could only be relieved to graze your skin under only using his gloves... at first he thought it would be enough, but no.

Love is like a damn drug. The more you get, the more you want. And he couldn't help but want more.

The bullets were a success... but he knew heroes were coming towards him. That blonde and green haired kid surely were behind this...

So the least he could do was give you a night to remember if anything went wrong on those next few days.

"A festival?" You asked with wide eyes before gasping at him putting the box on the desk. "Huh?"

"You always talk about them." He answered nonchantly, montioning with his eyes at the box as hs stuffed his hands on his pockets.

You snickered and opened the box carefully before widening your eyes, picking the golden and with traces of shiny green yukata on your hands... you were out of words until you gasped at Chisaki leaving and standing on the door way, giving you only one side eye glance as he spoke before he closed the door.

"I expect you to be ready by 8."

You blinked in shock before softening your gaze, holding the yukata over your body as you could only smile...

You were tired of living this way... if it meant you could spend a night with the man you love normally... so be it.

.

.

.

The sky had a bunch of lanterns and it shined with the lights of it along with the stars. You bounced and walked happily ahead of Chisaki with a basket.

He was always wary of anyone who ever dared to step closer... the yukata covered your legs, chest and arms. But you noisy self insisted on going without gloves and he was actually worried that the material of the yukata he brought wasn't as thick to protect your skin.

Yet he had to only breath in and out, the air making it hotter around the area where his mask was... he had one of the serums in here. With him. Soon he will inject, and gave to you your freedom.

"Ne Kai! Look at that booth over there!" You tugged on the material of his own yukata as his golden nonchantly gaze looked at the mans throing balls and hitting the aims of the booth, winning prices for their kids and partners.

He let out a "tch" before noticing how your eyes shined and how your lips quivered up at seing the stuffed animals the man was giving.

Blinking, he sighed, muttering how he this was a waste of time before he dropped a bunch of coins to the man and grabbed three balls.

You clapped your hands in glee as he threw the three balls and with the most perfection he hit the three aims right on the middle of it.

"Choose." He said nonchantly while grabbing a napkin and wiping his GLOVED hands as you pointed at a cute yet fluffy and chubby penguin. Without the man grabbing the stick, he lifted his hand up and yanked the stuffed animal and hand it to you as you squealed, nuzzling your face on it with glee... making him smile at how innocent and sad this scene was.

Everytime you would look at a treat or just a snack he would buy... you even wondered with wide eyes and mouth full how much he brought to this festival as he only growled for you to not speak with a mouth full.

You were hugging the price Chisaki won to you for warm as he looked at you and stopped, it was on a fair and quite isolated area of the festival so he found the perfect time to give you the medice. Your cure.

"Cold?"

"A bit." You giggled before you saw him taking a box and overhauling it, showing a little red capsule "What's this?"

"... (Y/n).. I despise touch. I really do.. but I can't lie that I wasn't expecting at least to feel a real contact between us, skin to skin... you know how much you affect me? To have me, Chisaki Kai, wanting to at least feel what your skin feels like? Feel how soft those lips are instead of just receiving a quick kiss on my mask..." you blinked, raising a eyebrow with a sad smile.

"I wish I could do this way sooner-" you stopped talking as soon as you heard laughter and voices of childs running and playing around.

"Brats..." chisaki sighed at the sign, a quadruple of two girls and two boys chasing them, the two young girls greeting both of you as the one of the boys screamed after them.

It all happened so fucking fast... the last boy tripped and it was about to fall with his head on a rock... it if it wasn't for your good reflexes the boy would had fall.

"Thank you miss!" The boy mumbled with a smile as you, with both hands on his arms helped him.

His and your eyes were so wide... you looked at him and his gaze was filled with horror.

Your hand started to fade, a bunch of (E/c) butterflies started to form and fly away instead of the hand that was suppose to be there.

He couldn't even fucking move as you looked at him... he expected everything but the huge smile and the sob of happines you let out before jumping on him and hugging him with tears in your eyes.

"Finally I can touch you..!" You sighed with a sob, not feeling your legs anymore.

"(Y/n)-!" He dropped the bullet on the ground and clenched onto your back as his eyes started to burn before you locked his lips so softly, your eyes closed as your image faded away and his eyes wide open...

The last thing he saw was your smile as your body was replaced with lifes and butterflies... his knees gave out when he could only tigger at the yukata he bought for you...

The whole festival was all happy and cheerfully until they heard the shouts of pain of a man inside the peacefull and full of butterflies forest.

A/n: eeyyy dont even need to coment the damn visible reference right? :D

[atiny-exol]

Vampire Ateez a Skz member is forcefully drinking from you

Warning: drug abuse, swearing, fighting, blood, drinking without your consent, nearly rape, kidnapping

A/N- Soooo I hope you enjoy it!!!

Requested: Yes

_________________________________________

Hongjoong

Hongjoong tried to get a long with the fact that skz is getting bigger and bigger

That they are getting more and more powerful

That he maybe has to make allies with them

But all his calmness is gone as soon as he sees the leader of skz all over you

His eyes shining in a dark red color and his fangs slightly digging on your skin

He is mad, no even more than that

Doesn't hold back anymore till the other leader finally learns his place

His place under him

After that he takes you home and tries to calm you down

Whispers in your ear

Pets your head

Makes you tea

All of that

A lot of snuggling

Will never ever let something like that happen again

,,And if you do this again." His look is cold, colder than ice and sharper than a knive as he looked at the skz leader with so much hatred. ,,I will not hesitate to kill you little boy. Never dare to lay a finger on something that stands under my protection."

Seonghwa

He doesn't even know how this happened

He went to a party with you

Lost you for 5 seconds

And the next time he finds you, you are laying unconscious under Minho

Skz often goes along very well, Seonghwa doesn't mind them but as soon as he sees the member of the rivals hovering over your body. Ready to suck your blood

He sees red

If Minho is alive after that a wonder happened

Because he should not be

Someone touch something that is very special to him

In fact the most special thing

And no one is going to hurt it

He leaves Minho laying on the floor and then places his jacket over you

Picking you up and carrying you home were he can nurse you back to a good state

Apologies a lot of times because he couldn't protect you

A single tear ran down his cheek and right after that a shaky sob was heard from your mate. It breaks your heart to see him like that, but there is nothing you could do to make him feel better. It doesn't matter what you are saying, he feels shitty for not protecting you like he promised you. His mate got bitten by someone else and it hurts him just as much as it hurts you.

Yunho

He is the softest person and trusts his family with his whole heart.

But one new member was very suspicious to him the whole time

Not that he would go against Hongjoong orders no

But the guy always was a little shitty in his eyes

He had the feeling to know him and to know that he has ill intentions

And he was right

One day you visited him and he had to do some things before you could leave

The guy, Hyunjin, started to flirt with you, telling you that he is the only chance for you to get out of this situation alive because skz is going to take ateez down

Of course Yunho heard that

He is angry. So is the rest of Ateez because they saw how Hyunjin tried to convince you to go with him

And after you said no he tried to drink from you even if you yelled at him to stop

No one of the holds back, but Yunho doesn't care about him

He just cares about you

Tries to calm you down

Draws small circles on your lower back while whispering calming words in your ear

,,Psssht princess/prince don't cry don't cry." his voice was barely a whisper. It hurts him to hear your heartbreaking sobs and the words you say. You are blaming yourself for that and it breaks him. Nothinh is your fault. None of this is your fault. He has to make you see that.

San

Leaves you alone for 5 minutes and guys are already flirting with you

But then he sees how you are rejecting the jerk

Beforw the guy leaves he tells you that you will regret that

And he was right

Just in this night some rivals attacked you both surprisingly

San saw how the jerk feed from you and the smudge smirk on his face as he let your body fall down on the floor

He tried his best to protect you, his mate, he was so angry that he thought he can do it, but there were to much

The next time he wakes up you are gone

And he is laying in a dark basement

Before he realizes who his enemies are

He saw them before.

And now where he know that it is skz

He even more concerned about you

,,Fuck give me my mate back you bastard!" San was filled with rage as the rival stepped in the room. His brown hair hanging in his face and a big smirk shooting at him. ,,Aww you want your sweet little mate back? To bad this is not going to happen. We will use you to get the others to and then your territory is ours."

Mingi

He doesn't hate skz, he never thought they are nice or something like that but he never hated them

What mingi doesn't know is that Jeongin the youngest of straykids would cause a lot of trouble

Jeongin is sweet, kind, charming and he knows it

What he also knows is that he wants you

And he usually gets what he wants

That's why it confuses him if you say no to him

But he couldn't bother less

He wants your blood

That's why he spikes your drink and get you out of the overfilled room

Even in your drugged state you tried to fight against him but he was way to strong for you

His sucks your blood and you feel damaged

Only Mingi is allowed to do that

And the taller one never drink so much that you get unconscious

If it want for mingi Jeongin drank too much and would have ended dead

But mingi isn't satisfied with on punch

No he is going to beat the small vampire

He will never come near you again

,,M.. Mingi.. N.. No" your weak voice suddenly gets the attention of the angry vampire. His head turned to your weak body and he immediately backed off, picking you up and checking if you are okay. ,,I.. If you kill him t.. That might end in a war between ateez and skz.." You said weakly and your boyfriend nods in understanding. ,,You are probably right baby. Come on let's go home."

Yeosang

He is not known for mercy

Neither is Felix

Felix saw you, he smelled your blood and he wants you

He wants to see you cry under him while he rips you away from your mate

He usually isn't that cruel but for you he has a special addiction

Yeosang knows that

Thats why he is always very careful around him

But you know that it would have happen sooner or later

Yeosang didn't watch for a few seconds and Felix already got you

It was horrible for you, it wasn't just the drinking no

He was touching you too without any consent

You cried out for help and just in the moment you thought that no one would help you

Yeosang appeared to save you

Felix immediately disappeared

But yeosang couldn't care less

He checks on you and brings you back home

He is apologizing and he feels horrible for not being able to protect you

Even if you say it's fine he knows that it isn't

But he can't turn back time

,,N.. No y/n h.. He He.. " Yeosang mumbled out and looked on the ground, his eyes fixed on one spot. His hand balled into a fist. ,,I will never forgive myself for not being able to stop him sooner." Yeosang wasn't the person who cried easily, so his tears staining his cheek breaks your heart.

Wooyoung

He trusted Changbin

He was friends with him and they liked eachother

So he trusted him to take care of you while he is gone for a while

But this was a mistake

Once he came home

He saw that the other vampires drinks from you while he muffled your screaming

His hands are all over your body

And Wooyoung sees red

He feels betrayed, hurt and most of all angry

Changbin doesn't get out of this alive

And you are shaking and crying in his arms

He will never forgive himself something like that

He will never trust anyone like this again

Doesn't want to face you

He distances himself from you

This one accident changed your relationship

,,N.. No leave me alone Y/N! " his heart ached just like yours. He doesn't mean it. You both know that, but the words still hurt. He is your mate, your boyfriend and the love of your life and now he is pushing you away. It hurts. It hurts so much

Jongho

Seungmin is small next to him

Physically he doesn't have a chance against Jongho

But he is smart, very smart

It wasn't easy but Seungmin got you

He wanted you, from the first time he saw you he wanted you and your blood

It was an obsession

A cruel obsession

He knows that jongho and you are mates

That you will never feel the same for him like you feel for Jongho

But if he can't have you, no body can

He drinks without your consent, against your will and tried to do everything to make you forget your stupid ,, mate"

Just in the time jongho gets you back

Seungmin is gone

And as you opened your eyes again, you didn't know where the person on front of you were

To say that jongho was shocked is an understatement

He was more than that

So much more than that

,,Y.. You.. You don't know who I am? Sweetheart don't play with me like that. It.. It isn't funny" His voice breaks a few times and he desperately hoped that this is just a sick joke of yours, but his hope got crashed down as you shook your head. ,,I.. I don't know who you are.. I-please leave me alone.."

[scentedchildnacho]

I only had to want to go to haven house and on general relief to be told my lawsuit they would try to diet me so most people dont have to be an access....and haven house was closed because fellony addiction and fascism became so harassively israeli or mexican that people have to be dumped out of a hospital to go....

The smokers do reek and bug in California in Helter skelter ways I did not think possible

Israeli see that diabetic problem reversed instantaneously much of it demands Jewish or Mexican services and so it's you have to join the military to talk to Him

And i did accomplish making California let me shower two days in a row that I did not think possible

California Tex other states probably think about showing off how abused of a gay they are and refuse to care about notoriety but in California they truly don't have to care

You have to pay full price for a used stained change of pants?

Well if jobs wants to compete with me about suicide pogrom I let them get their misconduct charge and let the researcher see if they can psychologically cope it's what they do to me so thats the rules

Otherwise I was told to help the case worker with her own health so asked if I wanted health care said if it's non invasive and restorative but if it's more weirdos then no

Most primary care women are hired by alcohol unions like dian fossey so to them they do feel that they deflower with shove it ins or desires for massive amounts of body fluid that truly usurps the male power over feminine frailty...their weird people would pee on them in an alley without clinic gang respects

If you must know it still was my boyfriend's that truly taught me intelligence over having a heart......and I truly cried they would really make me cry

On the intake......to domestic abuse I said homelessness is forced marriage the publix company in Florida is who will openly publicity but it all believes in racism and homo genetics he sets himself up like hitler and expects me to be as lonely as eva Braun.....so I just don't touch property because it was given to world wide metropolization it's not my house they just go onto it illegally

Ukraine india Pakistan it's all promised to the whole world my life was really really sad here and i should go to france or africa or something

They are right wing fanatics and they stalk me to marry old felons that live off my restitution....they are really bad people who should have chosen residence by their ability to work but stole it from refugees.....so I don't know how their families will make out but

Housing goes to little kids with parents who have enough to be taxed....

The la times today....

Indian appropriation act your job as a case worker with me today wasn't an Indian mans with a family to support and so there was no technology ability from you....you have to be educated in india to process my general relief or they made you send my case to illegal judges

You did steal your job that's the genocide and why you can't do anything for me

Thats how I view homeless resistance I was christian and it's a nation and if I'm not with popular political appeal i don't do things or i would get called a jerk that can't go to stuff I could enjoy

Coming of age in Mississippi there are a few largely white districts that could be fair to me otherwise I have to have black panther like people or people make me look like anne frank

They made me yell at them like I was a male attorney

That's Indians to be around if it was a city mayor people truly enjoyed secular life around that's what they do

I havent found anyone capable of major psychosis in the states....i maybe do have to ask Britain to take me or everything simple about socially sycophant ing on a more established system is convoluted parasitic and drug retarded

I would have to be you people to have a job and I find that worse then sleeping outside mostly

Jobs have to take death payments and good will has left overs and unwanteds of estates eventually they will call you all insane in one way or another

Wanting to work at goodwill exposed it as mostly having mall drop offs and the mall can teach me job skills with new things so it's sad over there and wrong

For race I put mongoloid maybe otherwise national orientation white black etc is not a race

They wanted to know.............disease so I said maybe heart condition second opinion neurobiological...

Thats how I view second wave feminism it's a homo genetic situation in general and men have some mean old dude that steals all their stuff in the name of cognitive conditioning....its masochistic to be too nice to young people so to not be a kept boy aids case they join the military and put some old mean witch that wanted to have boring creepy bar parties like dian fossey with their stuff and tell the creepy mean old man if he wont get away from their stuff they will put him in a jail cell again

And that's me I can't fight gross addict systems off my stuff so I say okay you want my hatred and let themselves kill themselves of it....its mostly a much longer wait....

Mussolini is always expected

Im not a very compelling passavist if I could have young I would have trained on big cats or other big animals if i knew I would be called a mental and told thief fucko if you touch my things ever you will take a tiger tranq not me

Uhm it expected to be a butthole so I would have also put it down for expecting me put down

That's me about jobs for being kind of bitchy as a job and deciding I wouldnt cling to partners with a pregnancy I had to lose my mind which is a more excruciating torture then anything I have experienced physically if I had acted like they do on jobs i wouldnt have been let out of state facilities and would have had to be drugs or lost mind my whole life

The system here at least allows apology and second chances and they refuse those things

It is that their obsessive compulsively attached to my things and if it's my things they can go manic and kill themselves of addiction I've found out about my things that it hates it's owner

And that's why I support community theory if it's a corporate logo and work I just do what's suppose to some people call this refusing to be themselves

[omegalomania]

i fucking love hearing suitehearts au stuff, and au stuff in general... so like tea i wanna hear the fun stuff

LMAO well then anon i will do my best to deliver. idk if i’d call it an au exactly? i visualize the characters of the suitehearts as their own thing independent of the people portraying them, but i won’t bicker over people reading it how they like!

opens up my bigass disorganized Fucking Document of suitehearts lore i have frankly mostly invented

SO the thing about the suitehearts is that i view the world they occupy as kind of...an exaggeration of reality. it is not literal reality. in part cause we get this handy shot in the video

which implies to me that people can actually cross into this world via portals from “normal land” i.e. reality as we know it. normal landers are humans, ordinary people, and they can cross into the reality of...the suitehearts. i call it Hollywood Hills because like, thats definitely what it’s emulating, but it’s not the literal Hollywood Hills. 

so the way i read it is this: when the Hollywood-centric entertainment industry got big in Normal Land, an extant mirror world entailing all of Hollywood's greatest sins and triumphs formed as well. the Hollywood Hills we see in the video are like a funhouse mirror. they’re exaggerated, hyperbolic reflections of all that the industry there represents. it’s hard to say which is the more “real” version of reality. do things happen “first” in Normal Land and see themselves reflected in the Hollywood Hills here? vice versa? do the events in one version of reality trigger similar events in another? or are they just echoes of the same song?

the answer to that is who goddamn knows.

putting the rest of this under a cut cause....goddamn this got FUCKIN LONG.

the point is that the Hollywood Hills we see in the video and the reality the suitehearts occupy is....bizarre. it’s full of grotesque exaggerations. and at the center of it all of it are the Suitehearts, and the Suitehearts are....i’m not sure how to describe them other than i guess maybe avatars? conductors? in the context of this world. each of them represent and have mastery over an “element” or aspect that’s intrinsic to the entertainment industry. that’s what i really zeroed in on here when i started building this whole thing, mostly cause a) that’s what the america’s suitehearts song/video focuses on so Obviously yeah i’d go that route and b) those themes resonate very nicely with the rest of the folie a deux album which is nice.

anyway! the suitehearts.

mr. sandman is the suiteheart of dreams. this one is a given, since he’s named after the sandman, which is a folklore creature that puts people to sleep and gives people dreams. in the context of this universe, he presides over dreams and by extension sleep in general. he can’t create dreams (because dreams come from the SELF this is very important) but he can alter them and manipulate them. dreams are an important thing to have when you’re in any kind of massive industry, but in this case i don’t mean dreams in the abstract like motivation. i mean more dreams in terms of inspiration, and the seeds of your subconscious in dreams that can be harnessed into facilitating creation. sandman exists kind of partially out of the reality of the Hills; he can’t actually sleep or dream on his own, so he more or less slips in and out of people’s sleeping subconscious...es. so the “physics” of the Hills apply a little less to him. he can float slightly, he’s got this shadowy/smoky aura that never dissipates, and he’s always shrouded in darkness.

horseshoe crab is the suiteheart of luck. another given, since the video title card calls him the “luckiest man alive.” he can alter anyone’s luck, make them extremely lucky or extremely unlucky. he is also himself preternaturally lucky to a really really horrible extent. he can’t turn it off, so there are like...no stakes in his life. he has no regard for personal safety because he’s so absurdly lucky that he never has to worry about it. concepts like hope are just obsolete to him. he knows the outcome to everything that happens to him before it happens because he’s always going to come out fine on the other side. this results in this intense nihilism and apathy and difficulty in giving a fuck cause like...it’s all gonna be fine man. why bother worrying about literally anything?? he’s been known to describe his luck as being able to see this perpetual set of rolling dice in his head. the dice always keep rolling, so he knows his luck will always hold. he...doesn’t know what happens when they stop. they never have. it doesn’t really bother him though. it’s hard for anything to bother him.

donnie the catcher is the suiteheart of attention. i wasn’t sure about what he would represent since “catcher” plus donnie’s title card just kind of hinted at something related to sports, which isn’t reaaaally an intrinsic part to the entertainment industry. but the “america’s suitehearts” song makes a very explicit parallel between sports and paparazzi/media attention in the lyric “down, set, one, hut, hut, hike / media blitz” - which is especially clever since “blitz” is an actual football play. plus “catcher” can have a lot of meanings, such as to “catch” someone’s attention. and this is VERY important if u wanna make it in any big industry like the entertainment one! so donnie has the ability to alter how much he or others are noticed. he can make himself so forgettable and imperceptible that he might as well be invisible, or someone so eye-catching that they’re wholly impossible to ignore, and so on. there are limits here that will depend on context, like it’d be difficult to make someone performing on stage nearly imperceptible mid-performance, but it’s very easy to make someone disappear into a crowd if they want. he indulges in this very often in fact. any time donnie is confronted with a situation he doesn’t want to be in he can more or less just disappear from most people’s perception and not deal with it :T donnie also has the uncanny ability to notice things most people wouldn’t, which comes w the territory of being what he is.

dr. benzedrine is the suiteheart of euphoria. again i wasn’t super sure what to do with him until i did some research into the “benzedrine” drug and that was super fascinating. point is that benzedrine is a trade name for a pharmaceutical that among other things is very energizing and can induce euphoria. and euphoria is of course pretty essential to anyone chasing their hollywood dreams, PLUS it’s very topical for anyone who ends up chasing a chemical high in any industry, given how rampant substance abuse can get in that context. benzedrine is in theory capable of controlling and altering the levels of happiness in himself and others. in theory i say, because benzedrine is very much Unique and Not In A Good Way as i’ve mentioned before, and one of the consequences of this is that he can’t moderate his own happiness levels. he can experience it organically or not at all but he can’t induce it in himself - only in others. benzedrine more or less defaults to being kind of cranky and is seldom very genuinely happy, though he has been known to whip out a downright terrifying, completely insincere, and very, very wide smile if he’s really pissed off. he’s also got that giant, grinning shadow that literally always follows him and he. really doesn’t know what is up with it. and he doesn’t like that he doesn’t know what’s up with it cause it’s obviously linked to him in a very demonstrable way. and it’s creepy as all shit and he kind of hates it and so do the others.

the “job” of the suitehearts is basically to give what visiting Normal Landers require from them. if someone wants attention, luck, euphoria, dreams - the suitehearts give it to them. and it costs a little something of course, just a little portion of their mortal souls, but the Normal Landers are willing, for the most part. not all of them are - some wander in by accident - but inevitably they succumb to the kaleidoscopic lure of this technicolor world and the temptation of perpetual luck without compromise, bliss without fear of a comedown, dreams that will forever inspire you, all the attention they could possibly want. and maybe it helps them get big in Normal Land. but more likely and most frequently, it just brings them back and back and back for more and more and more until eventually they’re mere hollow caricatures of who they were. and at that point, they sink into the acid green moat and the Hills claim them for good.

do the suitehearts like that they do this? well...they have varying opinions. sandman fucking loathes it. horseshoe doesn’t really care because it’s hard for him to care about anything. donnie finds it unsettling. benzedrine thinks it’s very irritating because he’d rather be getting important studies and work done since he’s the most dedicated to learning everything he can about the world they’re in. but the crux of the matter is that they don’t really have a choice in it. that’s what they’re there to do. they facilitate the trade of souls in exchange for the boons and benefits they boast. they can no sooner stop being a part of this than they could remember anything outside of their lives in the Hollywood Hills.

which they can’t, by the way. they have no memories of anyone or anything outside of their existence in the Hills. they’re not human, but what are they? were they human once? did they ever have actual names? how long have they been here? does time even pass normally in the Hills? they can’t leave the Hills after all; the portals to Normal Land simply refuse to allow them through, and the boundaries of the Hills are impossible for them to surpass.

these are their roles. (who decided those roles?) so they play their parts. (don’t think about it.) they do as they’re meant to. (how do they know to do that? no one ever told them.) this just their lot in life. (are they even alive?)

and what happens when some of them start to get the feeling that there’s something important that they’re forgetting?

[woogyu]

Funny Drabble Game

Drabble Prompts; fluff | angst | funny (when requesting PLEASE add which prompt list it is from)

Can have up to 3 prompts per request + can send multiple requests.

They will all be written for fem reader. I’m very sorry about this, it is just because of what I know/have experience in writing.

Please format requests as follows; funny member prompt # or #s.

ex. funny member #12 + #15

ex. funny florist!member x student!reader #14

Send your requests/asks: here

~ prompts under the cut ~

crossed out = don’t request, usually for when I’ve gotten tired of a specific prompt coming up too often or I don’t like it

Drabble Prompts [credit; https://justforshitsandcackles.tumblr.com ]

“You’re such a fun drunk.”

“Since my dog likes you then i guess i like you.”

“Tell them to fuck off.”

“It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”

“I want to strangle you 99% of the time.”

“Could you not suck for five minutes?”

“The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

“You can’t banish me! This is my bed/bedroom too!”

“You’re seriously like a man-child.”

“Well thats tragic.”

“I’m too sober for this.”

“You are actually insane!”

“I think you’re actually satan.”

“It’s like -50 degrees in here.”

“Laugh at my jokes! They’re funny and you know it!”

“Sorry isn’t going to help when i kick your ass!”

“Don’t let one of them electrocute themselves or something.”

“Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”

“Do you find this amusing, fuck face?”

“Holy shit! That thing is huge!”

“Don’t kink shame me.”

“I hope i’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”

“I just cleaned that!”

“Don’t get sassy with me!”

“What do you have behind your back?”

“If you interrupt me one more time, so help me god.”

“Not to toot my own horn or anything, but the dog loves me more.”

“I’m going to put on some clothes before you say anything else.”

“Bite me.” “If you insist.”

“Im not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

“I need you to be my fake girlfriend/boyfriend.”

“Can you stop playing connect the dots with my freckles?”

“You snuck into my room, at 4am..to cuddle?”

“If we get caught i’m blaming you.”

“What? No! I wasn’t staring..i-i was looking at something behind you!”

“I locked the keys in the car.”

“This is why we can’t have nice things.”

“Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

“Define normal.”

“Do i get bonus points if i act like i care?”

“Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and i don’t speak english.”

“Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.”

“And you wonder why you’re single.”

“Remind me to kill you. Please.”

“I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.”

“She’s crazy. and just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, theres a crazy underground garage.”

“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.”

“My middle finger salutes you.”

“I don’t think i could ever stab someone. I mean, lets be honest, i can barely get the straw in the capri sun.”

“I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how i feel.”

“Somebodys cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.”

“All due respect but thats a bunch of crap.”

“I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.”

“Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.”

“What did i tell you about calling him/her the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?”

“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!”

“I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.”

“If history repeats itself, i am so getting a dinosaur.”

“You seem somewhat familiar. have i threatened you before?”

“Even when we were kids, i always kicked your ass!”

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.”

“Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.”

“She’s hot, but she’s evil.”

“Do i regret it? Yes. Would i do it again? Probably.”

“You’re going to burn in a very special level in hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, animal abusers, and people who talk at the theater.”

“I’m not a damsel in distress. i’m a damsel doing damage.”

“Sometimes i question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.”

“Why should we date?” “Because we’re attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but i do not feel the need to date pie.”

“Why does everyone assume the worst of me.” “It saves time.”

“You’ve successfully cured him/her of anything interesting about his/her personality.”

“Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.”

“Wow somebody needs a happy meal.”

“I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.”

“Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

“You couldn’t handle me even if i came with instructions.”

“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

“I’m so glad you could come.” “Cut the crap. give me a drink.”

“Where have you been all my life?” “Hiding from you.”

“I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but…no.”

“If you pull out my earphones, i will pull out your lungs.”

“Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. thats cute.”

“I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.”

“My ex? Yeah id still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or a baseball bat.”

“Such big evil in such a little thing.”

“For the love of fuck.” “Yep, thats me. i love to fuck.”

“Are you ready to go?” “Yeah. let me grab my machete.” “We’re going to sephora. no machetes needed.”

Clears throat seriously, “Yas bitch.”

“No road trip is complete without the snacks. So go in there and buy everything you can fit in a tiny cart.”

“I’m all for making you miserable by being insufferable, but unfortunately i have things to do today.”

“Come on, you can help me make conspiracy theories. If you make an especially good one, ill pay for dinner.”

“You know what? Why not? I haven’t ruined my life yet this week. Lets go.”

“Do these dark circles under my eyes say nothing to you about how i am doing?”

“If i didn’t know you better, id say you were trying to flirt by giving me books.”

“What are you talking about? Im hilarious!”

“Duct tape? Duct tape is not going to fix this!”

“What did you think? That you were going to fight him?”

“You’re blocking the view.” “I am the view.”

“Why are you on the floor?” “Tying my shoe.” “You’re wearing rain-boots.”

“Cant stop me from slaying!”

“Close your eyes and imagine it, all the dogs in the world.”

“Be careful, he’s so sweet you might get diabetes.”

“Would you reconsider if i was sober?”

“Stop running i’m wearing flip flops!”

“Why are you holding your boobs?”

“I wouldn’t call it stalking, more like far distance admiring.”

“You need to stop making her laugh! you’re ruining her makeup!”

“I’m sure i can get some kind of sexual gratification from just staring at him if i try hard enough.”

“I’m not sure if its a sexual thing or not.”

“I’m either in the mood for french fries or to rip someone’s head off. Hmmm. decisions, decisions.”

“If you’re not out of the shower in the next five minutes, i’m going to cut your fucking hair off to make your life quicker.”

“No, i will not dress up as a chicken.”

“I never told my extended family that we broke up, and now they want to know when you’re coming over for dinner again.”

“I need a date to my relatives wedding, and i’ve already asked literally everyone else i know, so i know you probably hate me, but please say yes. Otherwise they’ll try to set me up with someone, and they have awful taste.”

“One more sound and i swear to-”

“Sometimes when (name) texts me, i just pretend they didn’t so i don’t have to respond.”

“You gave our pigeon boyfriend the wrong beans!”

“If i’m like 50 and still single, ill marry you because tax benefits.”

“Please, never have children.”

“I know its like 11pm, but i’m on my way to your house with nacho fries.”

“Sometimes i wish i was gay so i wouldn’t have to deal with all these dumbass boys.

“You know, would’ve been nice if you told me your whole ass family was coming to this dinner! I look like a troll.”

“Im going to the party to pet the dog, no thanks drugs.”

“I hope in college i get some excuse to deck him. Maybe with a bottle or something, ill wing it and be like “oops, sorry shithead, my hand slipped.”

“What is this shit…i’m just trying to graduate.”

“Ooo, i sense attitude in your tone.”

“Guess who only got two hours of sleep? Me, lol, i’m gonna die.“

“I’m gonna strangle you.” “Is that a threat or a promise?”

“Superheroes aren’t allowed in my house, especially after they’ve destroyed my living room. go away.”

“oh you’re coming. even if i have to drag you through the snow in your pajamas.”

“i swear you’re gonna end up getting like botox in your tits or something.” “well i mean-” “whAT DO YOU MEAN?!”

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.