#that's what really gets me!!!!!!! the complete disregard for the actual emotions motives and experience associated with it

[ehlnofay]

still thinking about the upsetting npc I had the displeasure of meeting yesterday. fuck the shivering isles

[the-clumsywitchtarot]

Pick-a-Card Reading: What Positive Changes Could be Happening for You in the Next 6 Months?

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

Cards

The High Priestess

The World

Seven of Cups

Five of Pentacles

Eight of Swords

Before I even shuffled the cards I kept seeing a key, like a bronze skeleton key floating almost like in a video game selection screen. That sounds weird I know, just disregard it if it doesn't resonate.

I feel like your intuition will definitely be strengthened with the high priestess card. If you have been trying to figure out what witchy path best suits you, don't worry because there are many you could go down and still get the results you're looking for. With the world card I feel like you will be learning a lot about new cultures, I also feel like if you've been trying to get into a program to go abroad for a semester of college this will either come through. Or you will have an experience close to the one you would've had abroad but in a different place.

Trust that doors that cannot be closed are opening for you and your path is cleared.

Cards

Ten of Cups

Seven of Cups

Page of Cups (Reversed)

Queen of Wands

Seven of Wands

If you've been trying to manifest love I feel like your happily ever after will be just around the corner 6 months from now. By this I mean 6 months from now you could be wondering "where the heck is my person?", then bam! Out of nowhere it's like they appear. You've put so much into bringing this love into this physical reality, praying, spellwork, meditations, you name it and I feel like it's finally finding its way to you! With the queen of wands I feel like this person will love your fiery nature or how motivated you are when it comes to achieving your goals. However, I do see that the work won't end once you've started a relationship with this person, you may be closed off emotionally and struggle to connect in that way. If you want to keep this relationship healthy you will need to address that but I feel that your person will be understanding as you are working through this issue. But if they sense that you've stopped trying to better yourself in this area they will withdraw from you and the relationship may end.

Take this time now to address any emotional issues you may have so that you can prepare to be a good partner. And also so that you can take better care of yourself.

Cards

Six of Wands (Reversed)

Justice (Reversed)

Knight of Cups

The Sun

Judgement

6 months from now I can see you realizing that something you thought you wanted, like really wanted incredibly bad but did not get. Was actually a blessing in disguise, while you only saw the good it would bring into your life, there were hidden aspects to this situation that you couldn't possibly have seen. I feel like this is something that just recently happened and you may still be sulking about it now. But in time you'll realize you only saw the glittery happy side of the situation but the divine saw it all. It reminds me of an iceberg where you only see a small amount of ice not realizing underneath there is an enormous structure.

Rejoice for what you didn't get and get excited for what is coming for you, what is actually meant for you.

Please let me know if your reading resonated and always remember not to make a decision based on a reading unless it's one you feel completely comfortable with. Thank you for visiting my tarot page!

All the best to you,

Erika, The Clumsy Witch

[em0tionl0rd]

What's on my mind?

I have this unusual issue regarding anxious rambling..

I have been struggling for a while with an uncontrollable urge to speak my mind. And not in the way that you're thinking.

Whenever I get anxious, my first instinct is to seek "shelter" (emotional security), in the form of being consoled by others - Not necessarily to be validated, or to be comforted, but a median between the two - And this usually involves spilling my guts to a hapless victim.

Some of you may already know this about me. You've experienced one of my many emphatic and excited tirades. It can be annoying, emotionally taxing, and exhausting. And the worst part, is I'm genuinely aware of my behavior, but oftentimes find myself experiencing that momentary lapse in judgement, or amnesia, where my entire prerogative is dictated by that clinching feeling in my chest, and my mind, that the show must go on..

And some of you might think I'm not annoying at all, which is great, but my hypervigilance is haunted by bad and frankly unfortunate experiences. I assume everyone finds me annoying to some degree.

Out of respect for other people, I do Really try to dampen these urges. They're quite frankly, embarrassing.

_ _ _

How does it work?

Step 1. Get Anxious.

It is exceedingly easy for me to get anxious. All it takes is an uncomfortable event, or conversation.

Maybe the higher ups at my job are cracking the whip and treating me (and everyone else) poorly.

Maybe my peers are relaying uncomfortable personal information, are flirting with me, making me feel unsafe, showing clear signs of an unsound mind, or are emotionally abusing me.

Maybe I see something disturbing online, or in the world around me, like a hurt or abused animal, war casualties, protests, natural disasters, or sheer disregard for nature and the environment.

Maybe the state of the world and society makes me feel gross and frustrated. Like having a job and driving cars. Stereotypical families, partisan politics, corporations, billionaires, and housing developments. Or just capitalism and colonialism in general.

Maybe I had a strange dream, or a dream that greatly disturbed me.

Maybe my mental health is acting up, or my physical health is deteriorating, and it's scaring me.

Maybe thoughts and memories of my family are haunting me.

Maybe I feel alone.

_ _ _

Step 2. What Now?

There are 2 options.

Find a distraction and give myself time to think things over before I go and blurt out my feelings to the first willing ear (or flood an unsuspecting friends DMs, or trauma dump in a public space online, etc.).

Flood an unsuspecting friends DMs, trauma dump in a public space online, and make myself more anxious when people make fun of me or criticize me, or completely misunderstand me.

Ideally, I take the time to think things through, find a distraction that can help me calm down emotionally so I'm not reacting on impulse, or take the time to meditate on whatever is bothering me by internally discussing and philosophizing on the topic. Questioning the validity of my motives and weighing the known outcomes of mindless actions such as blurting my feelings to random people.

Secondly, I KNOW, as much as Anybody who Claims they are "My Friend" and that I can talk to them about Anything. It. Is. Always. A. Lie. >>>

These people never actually care about me at my ugliest, where I'm knowingly giving them information overload to test their patience. They stop responding to my messages, and ignore me, or even eventually cut me off (or vice versa). Or they're so smitten by me for whatever god-forsaken reason that my words go in one ear and out the other and they just let me ramble aimlessly. Or worse, they argue with me over the semantics of everything I say.

I used to actively seek discussion and spaces for deep conversations, but they always ended up being mentally draining "logic" nit-pick sessions, or an argumentative waste of my time. And it doesn't help that people can't read tone-of-voice in text. Or project emotions.

Not to mention the types of people who have an unflinching egocentric air of moral superiority because they think emotions are a sign of weakness and that women are.. You get the idea. <<<

I feel like deep down I can't stand fake people claiming they care about me, because deep down, all I have ever wanted was someone to care, but everyone I have tried to feel a bond or a close connection with, so that I can trust them, has inevitably let me down. It's heart-wrenching, and terrible, and awful, and I don't care about it anymore.

I find that I am the only one that I can trust with things regarding myself, and I don't need other people to validate me, or make me feel wanted (or special), and comfortable in this world. (I also despise unwarranted compliments..)

_ _ _

Step 3. Reckoning.

Let's say I misstep and drive my friend(s) away, or make myself uncomfortable by oversharing, or get frustrated because I can't make people care about whatever frivolous problem I have on my mind in that particular moment.

What do I do about it?

First off: It's over and done with. No take-backs.

I have to live with my mistakes and my abhorrent urges.

Typically, I will over-analyze the situation; blame myself for trying, and blame the other person for not caring, or for not being on a similar level intellectually, but ultimately fault myself for wasting my own time (and theirs) (on them). Alternatively, I distract myself and, due to an innate trauma response, I typically forget that it even happened.

This is not good as it typically makes things worse.

A stressor may have been forgotten cognitively, but physically, the body tends to remember the sensation. This adds extra weight to my deteriorated mental health state, and can exacerbate such additional cognitive stressors as hallucinations or internal arguments and involuntary thoughts that plague me in an already beleaguered state.

Everything begins to spiral if I let it.

_ _ _

Step 4. Stop Being Bothered.

This is the ultimate lesson here: "What to do, and what not to do" is such a black and white concept that it degrades any productive experience regarding the matter. Each experience must be taken as it comes, and be dealt with accordingly. No over-thinking, or taking the easy way out, or running on impulse. No simply remembering the previous lessons, since sometime I can't even cognitively register that I am transgressing again.

All it takes is a crystal clear awareness and sharp judgement. No guilting myself or worrying, because that only clouds the mind and makes the former more difficult.

So easily it all can become a downward spiral of guilting myself, comparing my behavior to others, isolating myself, and putting myself down. And it doesn't need to be that way.

>>>

For the longest time, my frame-of-reference has been polluted by thoughts regarding my family and my past, and it does nothing to help me. All of these problems created by other people that have held me back in life. I realized that I needed to take control of me, not them. No thoughts dictated by apprehension or fear.

And nobody needs me to talk about my past for the 5,000th time in relation to whatever I'm talking about just because I feel like it's somehow relevant to the context..

What's worse is when I go on these tangents, people assume that just because I'm being verbose, I'm upset for whatever reason, which is ridiculous. I shouldn't have to constantly reassure people that "I'm fine" or apologize every other paragraph just because I'm a compulsive typist. Not to mention how frustrating it is when people respond with some variation of "I'm sorry that happened to you" which doesn't add anything to the conversation.

Sometimes it's just hard for me not to end up in a one-sided discussion because I'm bad at reading the room.

<<<

I have to remind myself that it's not worth crying over, not to give up, and to keep trying, because inevitably, there are always good experiences to be had amidst the bad, and life is worth living.

_ _ _

Step 5. Conclusion.

Sometimes, what is done is done, and you just can't dwell on it. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot control aspects of myself, and stressing over them only makes things worse, and more likely to happen again. Surprisingly, staying calm and collected has given me more control as opposed to how often I found myself stressing from over-thinking while trying to figure out what I did "wrong" and kicking myself every time I made a mistake. Self-acceptance is a very important lesson in life and I hope more people find it.

_ _ _

I also have a really bad habit of framing discussions with anecdotes, where I put my life experiences on the table and expect people to help re-align and correct my course of judgement. To hear or read other people's thoughts on the matter, as a way to compare notes so to speak. A more direct method.

It's a noble effort, but in this day and age of people being exceptionally toxic online, it's just another unnecessary heap of stress on top of a mountain of other stresses when internet strangers don't cooperate. Hiding behind a mask of anonymity, like an alter-ego, makes them feel like they can act out, be intentionally obtuse, or generally problematic at the expense of others.

It's hard to make good judgements online, especially when you grew up basically socially inept, and bullied for being/thinking differently. You just expect the backlash, and have to find ways to mitigate it that don't involve some form of sado-masochism, self-flaggellation, or self-deprecation; or having an actual mental illness like sociopathy.

It's not fair (or healthy) to hide behind social self-harm, memes, or conform in order to hide amongst the flock. You should be allowed to be yourself, so long as it poses no harm to others. A value greatly obscured today, especially in modern culture and politics.

Being 'socially acceptable' is such a scourge on todays mental health, and people can't seem to grasp that individuality has been lost to conformity and homogenization.

_ _ _

I hope you found this in good conscience and that it is relatable and/or informative to some degree.

[jazzythursday]

I’m about to go into another very long Marvel rant/dissertation here— mostly for myself— that I started writing soon after the Loki Series finale so please feel free to just scroll past this, because honestly I think I kinda overdid this one. It’s jaded and overly dramatic even for me. You have been warned:

The last 4 Marvel movies/shows I’ve watched left me feeling so completely depressed and unsatisfied and hopeless about the future of popular entertainment and story telling in general, and I know I’m not the only one. The fact that fans are going into these experiences hoping for a good story and character arcs that make sense with prior characterization, and leaving feeling… empty is a very clear sign that their approach leaves a lot to be desired.

Infinite War had some valid reasons to end the way it did, because by having our heroes fall so much harder than ever before, it built up the tension and high stakes for the next film. But what does that do when Endgame leaves us feeling even worse? I wanted them to triumph and finally come together to be better. I expected there would be losses of course but not enough to negate the wins. Instead the characters were subjugated for plot, characterization was watered down, and we lost all the original Avengers besides Thor and Bruce (who was no longer even Bruce). Peter loses Tony, Thor’s previous loses are permanent, and so many other things that, in spite of loving a lot of the movie, mean I haven’t been able to stop being sad about it for literal years. And the amount of thoughtless destruction that seems to be at an all time high when it comes to character’s lives and disregard for properly exploring emotions just doesn’t leave much to be expected at this point. Far From Home was good. It was. I liked it a lot. The acting was wonderful and there were some really interesting themes they grappled with but I still walked out of the theater feeling like there was still so much detachment surrounding a lot of the decisions, a little too much thoughtlessness (that, and the gaping hole of Tony). I’m not going to talk about WandaVistion but I’ll say that I was invested until the start of episode 8, and finished episode 9 feeling drained and tired and sad.

Then we get to Loki, a show which has plagued far too many of my thoughts since I started watching it, and has crushed my hopes for ever truly being happy with a Marvel project ever again. Loki is a character who’s ostensibly felt alienated and unseen for most of his life, and that’s before finding out about his parentage. His first movie ends with his suicide attempt and subsequent fall into the void. His second takes place a year into working under Thanos and ends with him being taken away in chains (yes I know he’s the villain he’s done bad things etc. etc. but for the purposes of this I’m only focusing on his pov). Then his third involves his solitary imprisonment, his mother’s death, and his near-death (considering the likelihood that he was actually stabbed), although it does end on a lighter note with his acquisition of the throne. Then we get his redemption and reconciliation with Thor in Ragnarok, immediately followed by the utter tragedy that is the first 10 minutes of Infinite War, which I don’t think I need to explain.

So what I suppose I’m saying here (very very inadequately) is that after all of that, I can’t believe the proper story to tell in his first chance at being a main protagonist was one where he’s constantly degraded and beat up, convicted of things he didn’t actually do, given no focus on backstory or implied/established motivations, and labeled as a clown and a narcissist! His powers are weakened, he displays almost no recognizable mannerisms or competence, he’s held to a higher moral standard than every other character, shown no respect, and ultimately loses EVEN MORE. We’ve seen him lose and lose and lose and lose again. We’ve seen him die THREE TIMES, we’ve seen him redeemed TWICE. So who in their right mind thinks that the most compelling story to tell after all of that was to see him LOSE AGAIN?! And not only lose, but lose without any real triumph, dignity, or acknowledgment beforehand. Death to the author aside, reading the utter nonsense the team behind it have spread, it’s so clear that it wasn’t made in good faith. Whether in ignorance or true maliciousness, they just don’t care. They didn’t research. They didn’t try and see things from his point of view. They didn’t truly sympathize with him as a person while writing. They didn’t understand. And they truly, truly wanted him to fail.

I’m tired of feeling hopeless at the end of everything, of leaving the theater or turning off the TV wondering why I even bothered, why I even care when I’m just being strung along with as little consideration as an audience as my favorite characters. I wanted to actively see him strive to be better, not just be told he could be. I wanted to see him triumph over his demons, not forget them. I wanted to see him be the “master of magic” that every other damn movie has alluded to, and to use his powers effectively. I wanted him to be powerful. I wanted him to, if not win, then win on a personal level at least. I wanted to see him take agency in his life and PROVE EVERYONE WRONG! And, though it’s now bafflingly controversial to say, I wanted it to be told by an experienced and competent writing and directing team that knew and understood his character and were passionate about telling his story.

I would ascribe to the notion of “don’t like it, don’t watch” if I could but I care to much to not be affected by this obvious decline in quality and awareness. And I’m a relatively recent fan. I haven’t been waiting for Loki to get his moment in the sun for 10 years. I’M NEW HERE, and my heart breaks so much for fans of the original movies who have lost their love of Marvel or Loki because of the way it’s been handled. No one should fall further than they can climb up from, and I’m tired of watching loss after loss and never getting the release of gaining enough of it back. What’s the point of caring about these characters if the writers won’t? Of investing in a connecting cinematic universe if it lacks continuity? Of looking for clues and foreshadowing when there isn’t any and the only twists are random and pander to shock value? The way these pieces/characters are being created and interpreted is reductive and incompetent, and for once I’d like to watch something that feels crafted, inspiring, and gratifying to see to the end.

If some people like the Loki show we got, I have no argument against that, because my own opinion is just as subjective as theirs. Though, I’d like to think that if what I want is for the show to be better out of love for the same character, then what they enjoyed from the show can coexist in that. If anyone’s actually read up to this point, I have to admit I’ve forgotten mine. Mostly I just wanted to express my frustrations over how unfeeling and stale most entertainment, specifically from Marvel as of late, has been.

TL;DR: I care too much, waaay too much, Marvel cares too little, Disney doesn’t care at all, and I don’t know how to accept that.

[cotton-candy-in-a-thong]

Noncon stories, Fantasy vs. Reality, and more. fucking. issues.

Recently, I’ve been hit with some drama as to why I’m a “bad person” by various, anonymous users in this fandom. I thought I’d try to address the claim, address my stance on fics that involve noncon, and what I think about the “Tumblr mentality” after everything I’ve seen of this place. I should also note that I’m going to use the specific words and phrases I’ve been forced to constantly repeat as explaining my stance has been very difficult for me, as I’m a person who’s apparently challenging to understand.

This is going to be a long post, with subjects that's obviously going to trigger people so here's a warning right now..

That being said, I’m going to dive into this with some shit I’ve definitely said before:

“Consensual Noncon” Kink

The Appeal of this Theme in Fanfiction:

I don't think calling fics that involve noncon "rape fics" and those who enjoy it "getting off to rape" is a very good way to put it. Many engaging and well done media pieces often involve some very dark themes. Again, Monster by Meg and Dia is a song that features the main character sexually abusing a girl he met. You COULD call this a "rape song", but acting as if the rape is the only thing that matters in this story would be pretty..naive. The story has to do with an emotionally, and physically neglected/abused boy, who grows up and becomes an attention/love starved monster who's SO starving for validation, that he believes forcing himself upon a girl he knew would "prove" to himself that he's capable of being touched and loved. Of course, the main character eventually realizes that rape is not love, that what he did was wrong, and later kills himself in his own bathtub with kerosene and a match.

However, the assault aspect of this song is still a meaningful and alluring part because it talks about how emotional and physical abuse can warp someone's perspective on reality, to the point where they think forcing someone to "stay" with them is how to create a healthy relationship. That's the same energy I have for noncon fics, especially in the slasher fandom. Many slasher fics that contain noncon often have to do with the slasher preying on the reader because of their own fucked up mind. It's intriguing because, let's be honest, pretty much none of the slashers are in a pretty good mental space lmao. Thus, noncon actually falls more in line with how slashers would go about what they believe is a "good relationship" more often than quite a bit of fans here seem to believe. Again, Michael got boners, Jason chained someone up, Fredddy smooches people against their will, Billy Lenz is a sex offender, Chromeskull makes snuff, yada yada yada, you know the drill. That being said, it's interesting to see noncon being expressed with these characters because it gives us a new perspective on how fucked up they'd likely be if the world of sex and relationships was introduced to these characters.

Now why would some people become sexually aroused by the events of the story? First of all, how does “Consensual Noncon” kink work?

u/Jumbledcode. (2015). ‘Can anyone comment on why people (someone like me) enjoy rape/non-con story lines?’. r/TwoXChromosomes.

“I'd suggest that there are several factors that make up the appeal of non-con fantasies.

Guilt/Self-image: For many people, their sexual/relationship desires don't necessarily match their image of themselves, or alternatively they feel guilt over others' perceptions of those desires. Rape fantasies allow them to mantain some illusion of denial over their desires while still indulging in the idea of them.

Responsibility/Laziness: The appeal of abdicating control isn't limited to avoiding guilt; it's very tempting to want a scenario where you have no responsibility for maintaining your lifestyle/happiness. Similarly to before, it's the appeal of being given what you secretly want without even having to choose it.

Transgressiveness: A rape scenario has overtones of danger and taboo-breaking. These can easily be exciting and can therefore be a turn-on.

Desire: Being wanted is often a huge turn-on, and the idea of someone desiring you enough to break laws and disregard everything to have you plays into this feeling.

To me, it seems that most people who fantasize about being the subject of rape do so due to some mix of these motivations I've mentioned. Of course, there are also those who have experiences which have taught them to associate non-consent with their sexuality, but that's a separate issue”.

What if the Fanfic Only Involves the Act though? Wouldn’t it Encourage Actual Rape?

Let’s differentiate fantasy and reality. Towards those with the noncon kink: it offers arousal because of the ideas listed above (the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). Rape is the use of sex to remove control over the victim’s mind and body. The readers DO have control over whether or not they get to “encounter” (the choice to even read) this fantasy, so right away consent is present in reality, and no actual rape is being done.

Now does this mean that the kinkers are getting off on the idea of rape? Not really.

The thing with self-inserts is that it allows you to be connected to the story. That way, even if the story has you bruised up and begging for mercy, a part of you-you (if you’re a kinker) wants to keep reading it as you find it exciting. That way, as you and story-you are connected, what you really want in such a fantasy is for it to keep going despite the brutish, possessive, however yet desired nature of the character you’re dreaming about dealing with. (repeat: the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). That being said, it’s still entirely possible for kinkers to have their personal space and wishes crossed, and ultimately assaulted. Us enjoying the fantasy of such a reverie sexual encounter does not spell out to real life because (in reality) we’re not horny all the time, we would still like our bodies to be respected when we find it necessary, and we still have feelings as we’re still human.

“Fantasy (including video games) leads to violence” fallacy.

It would be like assuming that shooters in games like GTA fantacise about murder, encourage it, and would do it in real life. Taking fabricated anger out on virtual bodies or NPCs is quite different from the weight of murder (the killing of another human being). One can play video games with lots of violence towards such fabricated characters, while discouraging violence towards human beings. The act of using a game controller to beat up Donkey Kong in Smash, to shoot Nazi zombies in a Black Ops game, or to kill a Geisha in Little Nightmares is incredibly, and immensely different from completely eradicating the life of a person on Earth, and to assume that everyone who plays violent video games would spill out to violence in reality would be to participate in a ridiculous fallacy. Yes, there are outliers who are feeble minded enough to let their fantasies influence their actions towards actual people, but I must repeat that there are also people who utilize these fantasies for their personal satisfaction, while understanding the weight of the real world around them (and choosing not to act so detrimentally). Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair as it would be unnecessary to blatantly say that all fantasies are horrible and should be entirely eradicated if there ARE many people who ARE aware enough to understand that some thoughts are better off staying in fiction.

Now is the time to address what’s been said:

...Firstly, I think it’s very disgusting that random users, on Tumblr of all places, are trying to manipuate random victims of sexual assault into hating something or someone just because these users FEEL like “it’s the right thing to do”.. People, victims of sexual assault aren’t your fucking dogs. They’re not carriage horses, they’re not your work mules, they’re not your guns and swords...they’re just people who normally wanna be left the fuck alone like everyone else. Plus, there ARE people who have experienced sexual assault who take joy in reading such dark storylines. What would these users have to say to them? That they’re not “real” victims? That what they’ve experienced ���never happened”? That they’re “just like” their own perpetrators for using the consensual nonconsent to miraculously help them overcome their trauma? Should they really abandon their coping mechanism just because there are other victims who cope in different ways?

..If you seriously believe that all people who have gone through a traumatic event are gonna cope in the exact same fucking way, you literally don’t even know enough about PTSD to even be making a bold statement about cope.

This is the part where I finally realized that people, and especially those on Tumblr, don’t actually care about rape victims as much as they may claim. Many users on here, on this platform and in this fandom, don’t truly give a flying monkey shit about rape victims as people, nor what they have to say about the subject. Rape victims..on this place..seem to be used mainly as a means of figurative weaponry for a group’s subjective morality.

I find the similarity close to radical feminism. Radical feminists often believe that women, from near and far, have to do everything in their power to “destroy” the patriarchy. This would mean disobeying the societal expectation of women, even if there are some women who take joyment in engaging in some societal standards for their personal liking. An example would be sex work. Radical feminists acknowledge the flaws in performing sex work, but believe that NO woman should EVER partake even if the woman wants to do it out of her own free will. In demonizing and ostracizing any woman who doesn’t fall into the radical feminist agenda, radical feminists actually contradict their purpose to “let women be free”. At this point, you realize that radical feminists often don’t actually give a fuck about what any woman wants for herself. Instead, radical feminists want to utilize any woman they can find just to flip off men as a group.

In Tumblr users trying to “stand up” for rape victims for their personal “holier-than-thou” ego, they fail to care enough about the very people they defend to understand the dynamics of some of their coping mechanisms, thus begin to bully some members of the group they claim to protect because of the very narcissism, misunderstanding, and controlling nature going on behind their own “activism”. So now that some users have found something to hate, in this case being noncon stories, they attempt to manipulate victims of rape into ostraciszing and demonizing fantasies and other victims of rape just because the “activists” themsleves don’t like it. Even trying to argue that rape victims have a “duty” to agree with everything these “activists” try to do for them.

Sounds awfully familiar to the attitude democrats have towards any minority when it’s time to vote. “I care about you...but you have to agree with everything I say and believe because I want what I think is best for you. If you disagree with me, you’re ungrateful and a traitor”.

Now...a little about myself.

I’m not sure of everyone else who’s into the noncon type of story, but I use it to get away from my past. In noncon stories, I want to read what happens in the chapters. I want to imagine them for morbid curiosity and arousal I feel at the time being. In reality, my attackers didn’t care when I wasn’t in the mood, and never gave me a choice. In noncon stories, I get to choose the character I want to encounter in the fantasy and NOT have it picked FOR me. In real life, I didn’t get to choose who did some things to me. In noncon stories, I get to stop reading them and do something else whenever I’m not feeling it anymore. In reality? My attackers kept going because, in the situation, it was no longer up to me. After noncon stories, my body doesn’t walk away with bruises, bite marks, and physical reminders every time I take my clothes off or try to masturbate. In real life...that shit can mark you, disease you, and then traumatize you. With the stories, I get to delete my search history, join another fandom, and act like nothing ever happened. For reality? Your own body is a reminder of what happened because it was real. In reality, I’m NEVER gonna fucking forget what happened. I’ll be lucky if my own mind and body doesn’t haunt me for at least one day..

So seeing that someone, and probably multiple people not only tried to use victims of sexual assault for their own “go get em” dogs, but to try and phrase me as someone who loves and encourages such an assault on human beings? After the things I felt? After the things I tasted? After pathetically searching for the support of relatives, just to get shut down with “you’re lying”?..

...All the times I've been held down..threatened..clothes getting snagged off..parts being opened and touched after I've fought to just get the fuck away from certain people...

According to this anon..."she likes rape".

...I guess I just fucking LOVED EVERYTHING THEN.

You know...all my life I’ve been misunderstood by many people. It’s honestly really disappointing that even now when I’m better at explaining myself than ever, I’m STILL being phrased as a “psychopath” by random people who haven’t even taken the time to even know me. Not even from a minute-long conversation through a damn computer screen. And you wanna know the funny thing? I’m probably being laughed at as this is being read. Some of these users, these internet stalkers, are probably giggling, smiling, and saying “Haha YES we GOT the bitch!! Cry you piece of shit SLUT!!”. So maybe explaining my past experiences to help everyone understand why some people may use noncon stories to their fantasy advantage is gonna land me messages going: “You haven’t been raped you lying bitch”, “Maybe you should get raped again”, “You definitely enjoyed it”, and the overused, yet strong “Kill yourself”.

So how am I gonna end this message? With me saying that many of you, who THINK you’re doing the right thing by justifying harassment and trying to manipulate others into joining your little crusade to bully people away from the fandom (over extremely mundane fucking things)...aren’t really good people. At best, in this case...you’re fucking stupid. You will never truly speak for any of the marginalized groups you claim to know like the back of your hand. Simply, you will never. be. a hero.

If by chance, by an astrological chance..that any random user wants to come up and apologize out of the blue for talking such shit and for saying such things..I don't even wanna hear it...just get the fuck out of my face..

[candiliam328]

So um… pianist Five, huh?

Hey, @kakakuroo? Remember that playlist? The one with the classical pieces I think Five should play?

Um, I made it... 

and um, it’s about 40 minutes long (sorry). Highkey, it was originally longer, but then, I decided to focus on pieces that I think would resonate with our current Five as the pianist playing them.

But... oops I made myself sad.

Note: I said “our current” Five and yes, that means our post-season 2 Five.

(….. interestingly enough, I do have a few pieces in mind for pre-apocalypse, actually 13-year-old Five and some pieces for apocalypse Five....)

These aren’t even pieces that I think would actually play in the context of the show (yes, I have pieces for that too), but really, just pieces that I think Five would vibe with *as the pianist playing them.*

Now, a warning: I’m about to go on a whole thing about why I think this is the case, so if you don’t want to be bothered with me blabbing in depth about music and unnecessarily projecting onto a fictional character, don’t click keep reading…..  

OK, HERE WE GO

(Special shoutout goes to @disco-tea​ for letting me ramble about this with her for literal weeks)

Full disclaimer: I am NOT a music major nor do I claim to be super knowledgeable in music theory. This is just my personal take and experience and LOL I’m just a (barely) pianist with enough knowledge of music theory and composers to shitpost about them occasionally and apparently a lot of emotions about pianist!five (lol).

So, yeah, UM ANY ACTUAL MUSICIANS PLEASE DISREGARD THIS ENTIRE POST OMG – I’M ASHAMED.

ANYWAY --

Most of the pieces I included are by Chopin.

Bit of background: Frederic Chopin was a Polish composer of the Romantic era and a virtuosic pianist. At the core of his artistic process was improvisation and his pieces are known for their lyrical quality. The way his pieces are written allows for a lot of interpretation from the pianist performing the pieces.

But what do we mean by interpretation?

… oof um, where do I even start…

Okay, so each musician and in fact, each performance of a musician has a different interpretation, a different feeling if you will. There’s a certain level of flexibility in how you perform any piece and there’s a fine line each performer has to walk between being respectful to the source material and adding your own kind of flavor.

But what does that sound like? For pianists in particular, we’ll play around with articulation, phrasing, dynamics, pedaling, and (most importantly for this post) rubato.

Chopin pieces tend to be played with a lot of rubato.

Now, what’s that? Well, to be honest with you, in my head, rubato has always been a fancy term for “messing around with the rhythm of the piece.” There are some pieces for which you absolutely cannot do this (like a march, where you need to keep constant time), but remember, Chopin was a fan of improvisation, so he always had a “go with the flow” kind of thing going.

Rubato means you can stretch some beats and speed through others – it allows you to build suspense and breathe some life into your piece. That way, it’s not boring for the audience and it gets you invested as the pianist. 

Speaking from experience, some pieces require you to be vulnerable as the pianist playing them. These pieces that utilize tons of rubato? They practically demand it. You have to pour a little bit of yourself into them and allow yourself to feel the piece and get in your head a little to do justice to the notes the composer wrote. Inherently, each time you play the piece, your performance will be different and will sound different. You know the journey the piece is going to take you on, but not even you know exactly how your piece is going to sound -- it’s all about how you feel in the moment.

(And yeah, that’s why all the videos in the playlist show you the actual pianist playing the pieces -- sorry, I tried to find versions that had the least amount of coughing and clapping, but… live performances *shrugs*. It’s important for the sake of this (long-ass) analysis that you realize there is an actual person behind the music, feeling the notes and sharing themselves with you through the music.)

Now, I’m here to tell you that it can be incredibly therapeutic to play these pieces alone. For no one else. Just you and the piano. You can be feeling all these emotions and you can pour them into these gorgeous pieces and you can hear the emotions as well. Yeah, and remember that fine line I talked about for interpretation? That’s out the window. You’re just playing for you. You can stretch out this measure for as long as you want or you can rush through this run as much as you feel. You are completely free to manipulate this piece to how you feel in that moment and just play your feelings out. And it’s amazing.

 ...

And yup, all that brings us to our favorite time-traveling assassin.

Post-season 2 Five... um… he’s had a rough few days to say the least.

He was so close to getting his siblings safe back in their timeline, but he just… can’t… seem… to… do… it… right.

He’s been on edge for so long now that he seems kind of... weary?

What was it the old man said?

“I’m too tired.”

Anyway, there’s… emotions. He’s got a lot of them.

But he’s shit at being able to express himself non-violently, especially when the emotion isn’t anger. (and whenever he has tried to be vulnerable, it hasn't necessarily ended well...)

He needs another outlet. One that forces him to be vulnerable and honest with himself.

Enter: The piano. And these beautiful pieces with tons of room for rubato and self-expression.

(Let the man feel his feelings and play his heart out gdi.)

Now, if all I cared about was room for rubato, I could have chosen from a billion other pieces. So why would Five vibe with these ones in particular?

Well, I’m not going to use any musical terminology, because that’s not what matters here. I’m talking about the journey the pieces take you on as a pianist and as a listener. Give it a real close listen. 

None of these pieces feel like they’ve “arrived.” 

None of them feel “grounded” or “settled.” 

They’re all kind of wandering… yearning for something possibly beyond their reach. 

(Perhaps a desire to relive the past. Perhaps an unattainable dream.)

So, yeah, if I had to name the vibe, I would call it “longing”… but maybe with a twinge of “resignation.”

For 45 years, Five was wandering about in the apocalypse, longing to return home. His primary motivator became to return to his family and to go home. To keep them safe. Maybe even settle down.

And this hasn’t changed for the entirety of the series.

…

But what can he even call his home now?

And will he ever be able to rest?

[gamebunny-advance]

The Thrilling Continuation~

@kujo-supernova​

As to not clog the dashes with increasingly long posts of anyone who has to put up with this, I started a new post~

[Original response here]

K, I agree with 95% of what you said, so I don't feel the need to go over it point by point. Even the stuff I don't agree with I’m not going to really address  because it's irrelevant to the argument I’m trying to make. This isn't even an argument about each other's opinions anymore so much as I'm just commenting on the fandom at large now. So basically everything I'm about to say is not really directed at you (except for the last part), and is more directed at this fictional straw man of the fandom that probably doesn't exist, but I'm gonna attack anyway because it helps illustrate my thought process.

But thanks for reading anyway if you do~

I don't take issue with the fandom because I'm trying to defend Kliff or say that anyone else is 100% in the wrong here. This is a story about flawed individuals that make bad decisions. It's multi-layered and complex, and that's why I love this game so much.

My issue is largely with how the fandom in general is hypocritical in the way they treat Kliff because they see him as *more* "wrong" than he actually is, but my goal is not to prove that he was in the “right”.

Yeah, B2J (mostly Mayday) did get to learn from the experience that they were wrong because they're the protagonists: the purpose of their story is to learn that lesson. Kliff exists to be Mayday's "shadow". He represents an extreme that Mayday could have become had she not realized that taking over NSR isn't the solution to her problem. But as the true antagonist, Kliff literally *can't* come to that same realization: it would be redundant. And that's fine. For the purposes of the story that it wanted to tell, Kliff getting a resolution was not necessary, even if it leaves him in a bad spot with the other characters.

But that story is done and now fandom gets to write new ones. He still has a lot of character that can be explored: Now that rock is back in the city, what will he do? Why is rock specifically so important to him? Why does he know so much about every artist in the city? Why does he look so much younger than he actually is? *cough*becausehe'savampire*cough*

But largely the fandom doesn't seem interested in exploring any of that and more than just a handful of people seem to outwardly reject the idea of writing him as even *capable* of the kind of growth that B2J went through.

I brought up DJSS specifically as a counterargument to Kliff because he is THE scummiest person in the cast for all the reasons you said and more, but he is still one of the most popular characters because he has a cool design and a sexy voice, and maybe some people see him as a "sad boi" and want to coddle him. I am also one of those people for all 3 1/2 of those reasons, but I don't believe that you need to think that a character is a good person to justify liking them. There's a lot of reasons to like a morally gray or even morally black character, and agreeing with their actions/opinions doesn't need to be one of them.

I just think it's hypocritical to excuse one character for their flaws and not another with similar ones. Like there's some nuance to it that can change what makes something okay in one context and not okay in another, but I think the comparison between DJSS and Kliff is apt.

In my opinion their shared flaw is being egocentric. They are both willing to sacrifice the health and happiness of others for their own agendas. They express it in different ways, but it all comes from the same place: They think that what they're trying to achieve is more important than the feelings/condition of others.

DJSS seriously does not give a damn about anyone other than himself and he doesn't even have the courtesy to try and hide it. Even after his district is restored, he's still the same asshole he always was. He STILL calls B2J "Plutonians" (and I don't count him saying that "they aren't so bad after all" as "change", because even as a professor he was capable of expressing backhanded gratitude) and his reason for playing music is STILL "self-importance". He is in the same place that he started and will probably continue to abuse his district over his sense of ego unless Tatiana or someone else finally forces him not to. And everyone either accepts that or disregards it because that's just who he is. And again, that's fine, but I find it hypocritical.

Like I feel like many people's problems with Kliff is that they're not interested in exploring his character beyond what has been presented in the text. And that's fine too. It is perfectly valid to enjoy the game as it is and not want to explore it beyond that, but if having such a small scope of a game's themes and characters causes you to get "bugged" when someone presents a different interpretation, then it might be beneficial to look at another reading.

For example, let's go back to the satellite argument. My point about the satellite being "symbolic" was to disprove "murderous intent". His motivations for dropping it are totally separate. You say that you still think his motivation is being fueled by bitterness over Tatiana leaving rock. Your exact words: "I still think part of it was done out of spiteness for Tatiana leaving rock", but I feel like that's a very surface level reading.

In my opinion, rock is just the window dressing to the core of his actual problem: he feels like he's not getting back what he gave. He drops the satellite after her response to this question: "Did my loyalty mean nothing to you?" Which was, "I don't give a damn about you. I owe you nothing." which I think is far from a trivial response.

In any relationship, even a non-romantic one like this, it hurts knowing that the other person isn't as invested in it as you are. Even more so if they were to flat out say, "I don't give a damn about you." Like, can you imagine being told by your favorite content creator that they hated you to your face after you've done everything you could do to support them as a fan? Would most people react calmly to that in the heat of the moment?

Like we don't know the extent that Kliff was involved in Tatiana's life, but Tatiana never implies that he's lying about supporting her after the Goolings disbanded. Their relationship couldn't have been completely parasocial because she immediately recognizes him and addresses him by name when she sees him, and her being Kul Fyra isn't common or easy to obtain knowledge, so he must have been close to her to even know that. We know what he may have been willing to do for her given how much he helps B2J, and had Tatiana been upfront about her feelings with Kliff in the past, then I don't think he would have even bothered to give his sob story because he would have known that she wouldn't be receptive to it.

What I'm getting at is that "abandoning rock" isn't the actual reason he felt hurt enough to want to retaliate. It was likely more about "abandoning him" than it is a loyalty to any particular genre.

Even with this reading of his motivation, I don't think he was justified in doing what he did. Tatiana was totally right in calling him out, even if she was harsh about it, because in the end it doesn't matter how much he might have done for her if she didn't want it to begin with. He should have just walked away and accepted that she wasn't the person he thought she was, but people don't always do the right or rational thing, especially if they're caught up in the heat of their emotions and I think that's a relatable emotion worthy of discussion and dissection, even if it's not positive.

Will reading any of that change your mind? Probably not, but it's another perspective, and that's really all I want to offer.

Saying you're okay with someone liking something that you don't, isn't the same as understanding it, and that's what I want to change. I don't need anyone to agree with me, I wouldn’t start these discussions with strangers if I did. My end goal is to get you to understand where I'm coming from, and I think you're just *barely* missing my point. Hopefully I’m understanding your points too, but maybe I’m wrong about you’re getting at as well. UoU

[recentanimenews]

OPINION: How Umineko Changed My Entire Approach to Fictional Media

All screenshots captured on Playstation 3 by author

  The following article contains a discussion of thematic elements and motives that appear during the second half of Umineko When They Cry. While no actual plot details will be revealed, some might still consider it spoilery. So if you want to experience one of the greatest pieces of fiction ever completely untainted, you should check it out on Steam right now.

  The internet is pretty rad, isn't it? You can follow your favorite creators, watch tons of awesome shows, and talk about your favorite things with other people. How about we do that right now? Well, too bad, because YOUR FAVORITE THING IS BAD, ACTUALLY! You made the mistake of posting about it online, so prepare to be sent lots of negative comments linking to 5-hour video essays pointing out every single flaw about your favorite story and why you are wrong for enjoying it!

    It's a situation I'm sure many of us have experienced at least a couple of times online. While the internet can be fantastic for finding like-minded people to chat with about things you deeply love, it can also be a gamble and sometimes you end up in a discussion where your conversational partner seems more interested in showing off their intellectual superiority over a work instead of openly discussing its merits or flaws. I certainly know — I used to be one of them.

  "As I've eaten my way through countless tales to escape boredom, I haven't really been eating them. I've just been killing them." - Hachijo Tohya

  The rise of social media has opened the gates for some incredible in-depth discussion and has changed the way I experience things over the years. But there is also a dark side to the discussions on the internet and that is the trap of wanting to feel intelligent in how you approach stories, which is often accompanied by not really being emotionally earnest. I myself tried to come off as perceptive by pointing out so many mistakes and bad things about media which led to exactly one thing: me becoming absolutely miserable. All I cared about was consuming as many things as possible (FOMO's also one of the many downsides of social media) and appearing as "smart" about them as I could. Until one fateful 10-month stretch in which I played a certain visual novel known as Umineko When They Cry.

    Umineko really is tailor-made for catching people with that mindset: It depicts a mystery story about how mystery stories are told and consumed — and what genre would be more fitting to challenge someone concerned with intellectual superiority than one that is all about the clash of Author vs Reader? 

  "Books aren't a competition. It's not about who's read the most. But boasting that you've read all your ever need to read is just as wrong-headed" - Battler Ushiromiya

  Umineko starts off with a well-known mystery trope: A family meets up in a mansion on a distant island, gets cut off by a storm, and then slowly gets murdered one after the other until everyone is dead. And just as in Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None (which served as one of Umineko's main inspirations), a bottle detailing the events of the incident to the public eventually washes ashore. But this only serves as Umineko's prologue, as its main character Battler quickly finds himself facing off against a self-proclaimed Golden Witch known as Beatrice on a meta-narrative level where he must prove these gruesome killings could have been committed by a human culprit, or be forced to acknowledge her existence and allow her to fully revive.

    Thus begins a game of chess filled with exceedingly preposterous murders in which our protagonist's family gets killed by demons, giant goat butlers, and sharpshooting bunny girls — all supplemented by the so-called Red Truth, a truth-revealing tell not unlike Martha's vomiting in Knives Out. Battler must use these authorial proclamations and find a loophole that enables him to explain the murders in a way that does not frame any of his beloved family members as the killer and still allows him to deny the existence of the gruesome and torturous witch.

    Umineko's all about how stories are perceived and told by both their creator and their audience. It explores how remarks by the author in every situation — no matter how off-hand they might be — can be used, applied, and twisted to shed a completely different light on a story regardless of its original intent. It shows how adding meaning to a narrative that wasn't meant to be there can both add to or subtract from its most important element: The heart its creator wanted to convey.

  "If I had found meaning in only exposing the truth, I would have sunk to the level of a truth-revealing witch and fallen into ruin, spreading only hatred, [...], crushing and refusing to acknowledge anything but the particular truth I seek, unable to escape the cycle of misery." - Ange Ushiromiya

  Umineko goes through many different angles of how we create, share, and discuss the tales that fuel our discourse. It ponders the importance of rules when creating storylines and tackles how easy it is to overlook major themes and motives by just focussing on minute details that are open to misinterpretation and irrelevant to a story's soul. It even includes the typical misanthropic yet oh so intelligent detective that usually gets idolized in most media (think BBC's Sherlock or House, M.D.) and puts them at odds with every other character because who would really want to cooperate with someone that completely disregards you as an equal human being and merely perceives you as an amalgation of hints, motives and alibis?

  "Sheesh! Just one more step and I'd have been able to take a heart as innocent as the smooth sand just after a wave had pulled back and tear it to bits. What a shame. This isn't fun anymore." - Erika Furudo

  And just when you start to really get into Umineko, it moves away from its main conflict, providing you important hints for its solution which most readers ignore as they aren't presented with facts and logic but on an emotional level distanced from the characters we long to get back to. But most importantly, it conveys how one single element is so indispensable to enjoying the narrative odysseys we embark on in our lives, to cherishing the characters that are presented to us in these tales, and to truly understand a story's message behind things like story developments, plot twists, and narrative tricks. I, of course, am talking about love.

  Be it the love you feel for characters, for certain staging elements, phrasings of prose, orchestrations of music, design of sound effects, implementations of themes and motives, or cinematographic puzzle pieces — the one thing that is indispensable to truly enjoy all kinds of media, is love. Or, to quote Umineko directly, "Without love, it cannot be seen."

    By the time, I was nearing the end of Umineko's eight main chapters, it had transformed from an intellectual battle between author and reader to an all-out war of a story against its community of readers who simply wanted to tear it down to cold, hard "facts." I had spent ten months and over 100 hours. The first half took eight of those months to get through (owing to a few lengths in Episodes 2 and 4), I finished the second half in less than two despite my busy schedule. I even dedicated a whole 15-hour marathon to the final episode as I was too glued to the grand finale to move away from it.

    A new me came out the end. I no longer had an interest in tearing apart media for minor missteps. I enjoyed them much more deeply and honestly and began taking my time with the things I consumed. Instead of filling my plate at the buffet of stories as much as I could, I gave each dish its own course on the menu so I could appreciate its flavor in a different way — one bite at a time and not stuffed up simply to give the outward appearance of a seasoned gourmet. And for that, I will never be able to thank Ryukishi07 and his co-creators at 07thExpansion enough.

  "The point of theory-making is not to create a culprit or to trample the truths that lie in the hearts of those who have not sinned. If you want to play detective, don't neglect the heart. Otherwise, we're just intellectual rapists. Don't forget it!!" - Willard H. Wright

  If you are interested in reading Umineko When They Cry, you can find both its Question Arcs and its Answer Arcs on Steam, GOG, and MangaGamer. You can also read the manga adaptation digitally on Bookwalker (though I personally recommend the visual novel for its award-worthy soundtrack alone).

  What work of fiction has touched your life in a profound way? Tell us in the comments!

      René Kayser works for Crunchyroll as a PR and Social Media Manager in Germany. You can find him on Twitter @kayserlein where he tries to get people into Umineko every single day.

  Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[retvenkos]

heart pt. 2 // john ambrose mcclaren

To All The Boys: P.S. I Still Love You - One-Sided John Ambrose McClaren x Lara Jean, One-Sided John Ambrose McClaren x Reader, slight fluff, slight angst

requested

Summary: For one moment, you eyes lingered on your phone. John Ambrose had gone to hang out with Lara Jean and a few old friends at the old treehouse they used to haunt in their youth. He had been nervous about it for days prior, and you had joking told him to text you and S.O.S. if he needed an out. You were almost certain he wasn’t going to take you up of your offer, but for the last hour you had the inexplicable feeling that he would. What was it? Intuition? Desire?

pt. 1

Part of you wanted to pull away from John Ambrose McClaren the moment he expressed that his heart did not belong to you. It was the sensible part of you, perhaps - the part of you that was self preserving and knew that nothing good could come from lingering near a boy who had the potential to break your heart into dozens of tiny pieces. But, another part of you - evidently, the more persuasive part - begged you to stay by his side, despite what would come.

You hadn’t known Lara Jean Covey for a long time. You no longer went to school with her or even lived nearby. You hadn’t seen her since sixth grade, when she and John were attached at the hip. You had no idea what she was like, but some nights, you would stay up late, concocting stories about what she was like.

You figured she was a cheerleader or some athletic type. Who else had the confidence to send a love letter to a boy she hadn’t seen in literal years? 

Yes. You were sure of it. Lara Jean Covey was the complete opposite of your John Ambrose, and because of that, their relationship could only progress in one of who ways:

1. John Ambrose meets her, realizes how much she had changed, and is immediately shocked. Being the gentleman that he is, he’d try to disregard how different she is from the last time they had spoken. Things would go badly as they tried and failed to reconnect, and they would eventually part ways, John disappointed at getting his hopes up. You would console him while he was an emotional wreck, saying he was too good for her, anyway, and you would mean it more than he understood. OR,

2. The two meet and it’s the perfect combination of opposites attracting and having enough history and vague similar interests to sustain the perfect relationship. John Ambrose would be head over heels for the girl who had been an old friend, once, and a new love interest, now. They would move fast, and eventually you would be left giving him recommendations for date spots and giving him pep talks. You’d always be at his side, but farther away now that he had someone else to fill his days.

Was it wrong for you to prefer the former?

Not that you wanted John Ambrose to be heartbroken. You knew what it felt like to get your hopes up for nothing and wouldn’t wish it on him for a moment. But would you be able to stomach the two of them together, when push came to shove? Would you be able to drift away from John Ambrose, knowing it was for your love of him, that you held him at bay?

You sat on your floor with a notebook open in front of you, waiting to be filled, but found yourself unwilling to create anything on the blank page. You sighed and popped in your headphones, turning up the music so as to drown out the conflicting voices in your head.

For one moment, you eyes lingered on your phone. John Ambrose had gone to hang out with Lara Jean and a few old friends at the old treehouse they used to haunt in their youth. He had been nervous about it for days prior, and you had joking told him to text you and S.O.S. if he needed an out. You were almost certain he wasn’t going to take you up of your offer, but for the last hour you had the inexplicable feeling that he would. What was it? Intuition? Desire?

You sighed at your hopelessness and turned back to your empty page.

You worked, your head bobbing to the music only you could properly hear, your face settled in a concentrated sort of frown, and when someone knocked on your bedroom door, you didn’t hear them.

Knock knock.

You erased what you had just put down on the page, twirling the pencil in your hand like a baton.

Knock knock.

You smiled as one of your favorite songs came on, reminding you of memories with John Ambrose - walking to the mall in the summer because neither of you had a car and wandering through the stores, not having enough money to buy anything of value. You would always end up at the vending machines at some point, and John always seemed to have just enough quarters in his pockets to get you both something without having to break the single, crumpled dollar bill he had with him. The summer’s top 100 always seemed to play on loop, there, and while the songs were synthetic pop, and not always to your taste, it reminded you of him.

Bing!

The sound of your phone cut through the music, catching your attention and pulling you back to the present. You stretched to reach your phone and dragged it back to you, unlocking it with practiced ease.

from: johnny (12:04 p.m.) S.O.S.

You immediately stood up, disregarding your notebook on the floor as you snapped to attention. Looking for a pair of shoes you could slip on, you typed out a next.

to: johnny where r u?

Bing! He was quick to answer you back.

from: johnny Outside your door.

You pulled out your earbuds and unlocked your door, swinging it open.

John Ambrose stood on the other side of your doorframe, his hands holding his phone tightly. He smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. “I see you got my text.”

“What’s wrong?”

You allowed him in and he sat in your desk chair, careful to avoid stepping on your current project that lay abandoned on the floor. He was already comfortable in your space, and if it weren’t for the look on his face, your mind would have dwelled on that thought.

“How was the treehouse?” You tried again, and you saw him stiffen at the comment.

John Ambrose opened his mouth, but hesitated before speaking, as though trying to find the right sentiment. “Eventful,” he eventually said.

Oh?

One of your eyebrows shot up and he sighed. You knew the feeling. Usually it was you who had a complete lack of words for what happened in the world around you, but this time, it was him. It was puzzling, really.

John Ambrose McClaren always seemed to understand everything - it was his super power, really. There was no situation too dificult, no problem beyond comprehension. John could figure everything out - he always had. When you didn’t understand it, he did. That had always been part of your dynamic - there was nothing that the two of your couldn’t sleuth when given the time and proper motivation.

But matters of the heart were never quite so simple as everything else. You knew that better than anything. Sometimes, there was no clear answer.

John averted his eyes, turning his body to the opposite wall, trying again. “Lara Jean apparently has a boyfriend.”

“What?”

“And old friend, too - Peter Kavinsky.”

You blinked furiously, your head shaking back and forth. After a moment, you moved to better see John’s face, to gauge his reaction to finding out. 

He was staring at your wall, blankly, his eyes seeing right through the pictures you had put up, there, most of them containing the two of you in various stages of your lives. You wondered what he was thinking, but he was in his own world, now, one where he probably relived every moment he had spent misreading signals from the girl he had always had a crush on. He had been convinced that she liked him back - how could he have gotten it so wrong?

“I’m sorry.” On instinct, you walked over to him and sat down of the ground next to his chair, resting your head against his knee.

For a minute or so, he was quiet. When he eventually spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. “I thought I had a chance, y’know?”

You nodded and hugged his calves, the only part of his that you could easily reach for your place on the ground. You hoped it conveyed the same sweetness as an actual embrace, something that could comfort him they way he had always comforted you.

“Why would she send me that letter if she was already involved with Kavinsky?” He shook his head, as though trying to clear it of cobwebs so that he might be able to understand. “Why even write it?”

He asked valid questions - ones you didn’t know the answer to.

“Even if she thought I would never receive it, why address it to me? Why write something like that?”

Your mind went back to the writing that Lara Jean had left on that love letter to John Ambrose. You considered her words - so sincere, so brave. They were really quite puzzling, especially for not having meant them. But... no... She had to mean it. Otherwise, why write it? What did she have to gain from making love letters that didn’t mean anything? From what you had heard, Lara Jean only had a lot to lose - a boyfriend and now, an old friend.

But, if that letter did mean something, why send it now? What did she have to gain by making John Ambrose McClaren believe that he had a chance with her?

Lara Jean was only losing, in the end.

You knew that John Ambrose was worth losing everything, for. Did she?

“Feelings aren’t always rational, I guess.” You spoke, you eyes ahead, looking at the photos of your life, with John Ambrose always at your side. You didn’t notice him looking at you, then, and if you had, it would have only given more stock to your words. “Loving the people you do doesn’t always make sense.”

“You sound as though your talking from experience, (Y/n).”

You looked at John Ambrose, gazing deep into his eyes; you could see everything you loved about in reflected in their depths - his compassion, his cleverness, his talent, his love. You smiled, dipping your head in a nod, as if allowing him in on one of your best kept secrets. 

“Yeah, I am.”

[capricities]

Part 3 C:

(Here’s the masterlist! Happy Reading!)

Yuu knocked furiously on her grandfather’s room, completely ignoring the fact that it was such an ungodly hour to even be up, especially for someone as old as his Sobo, but what he witnessed would certainly be engraved in his head for the rest of his days. As Yuu continued his furious knocking, the lingering thought of bothering Hatsuko instead came to mind. 

After all, who needed beauty sleep when Yuu probably witnessed one of the most life-changing earth-shattering moments of his life.

As he thought of retreating and running to his sister’s room, the sudden realisation that he’d have to pass his father’s office room halted that train of thought completely. He now felt even more panicked. Did his father see him? Did that person see him? Yuu felt tears well in his eyes as his hands tightly scrunched the hem of the sweater he was wearing.

He gritted his teeth as he sniffled sadly, his eyes trailed on the door. He never expected that. He heard rumours, he heard people bad-mouthing his father, but he never thought that those rumours could be true. 

Did his mother know? It was a horrific question that had dawned upon the Eshima, and he really didn’t want to follow that train of thought. Was that why she always looked so miserable? Did his dad seriously know what type of damage he’s caused?

Did Yuu even want to call the man he saw in that room his father?

He sat down, curling into himself as he leaned on his grandfather’s door,. Crying as tears spilt from his eyes. He sometimes wished magic could do more than just parlour tricks.

Yuu woke up in a tufted sofa bed, curled into a pillow. He was aware that he fell asleep ––he actually collapsed due to shock–– outside his grandfather’s room...which was why his current disposition puzzled him. He slowly sat up, yawning as he looked around. Was this a loft? No, this isn’t a loft this was-

“Ah, you’re awake èr bǎo,” Sofu said as he sat down on the ottoman beside the couch, placing the tray of pancakes and hot chocolate on the table. “I suppose you know what room this is?” He asked as he faced his grandson, a melancholic smile on his face.

“It’s Sobo’s study room…” Yuu trailed as his sights set on the tray of food beside him. 

“I made sure to keep it clean, it’s a great place when you want to sort out your thoughts.” He said, his voiced laced with melancholy as he sat on the ottoman beside the couch.. Yuu kept his head down, his hands on his lap.

The study was still the same as always. A large bookshelf that spanned from floor to ceiling, a beautiful chandelier that wasn’t obnoxiously oversized, a large bay window that gave a view of the beautiful bustling city from the comfort of the Eshima estate. It was humbling to know that Sobo didn’t use any overly expensive furniture in this room, nor did she waste her time decorating her private rooms with priceless items, and other useless objects. 

It really showed how simple she lived, and her rather clear pursuit for knowledge.

His Sofu smiled at him, urging his grandson to eat up. “I won’t ask why you decided to knock at my door at such an ungodly hour, considering how dishevelled you were when I saw you. You can say it in due time.” Yuu sheepishly looked up, taking the food from the tray and started eating. He enjoyed the silence his Sofu was giving him, it helped him sort out his thoughts. 

Yesterday... was haunting. It felt scarier than the moment they found out about Sobo’s illness, it filled him with more anxiety than the time he and Kalim rode on the magic carpet ––which was an actual national treasure–– and it filled him with all sorts of emotions ranging from rage to disappointment. He was glad he knew the things that were happening around him but, at the same time, ignorance was bliss. He knew that from Kalim, who was awfully oblivious to things at times.

His father’s absence in his life was rather prevalent. He wasn’t neglecting him per se. He was always present during things that came to him and his sister, but Yuu could remember clearly how his mother waited for his father to come home during their wedding anniversary, having prepared something for him.

He didn’t come home until a week after, with a lacklustre excuse that anyone with an eye and half a brain could see through. 

Yuu awkwardly cleared his throat as he turned to face his grandfather.  “Sofu...did fùqīn ever tell you why he wasn’t at Sobo’s funeral?” He asked his grandfather, who had set the book he had down on the table. 

“I never asked, though, I think I know why.” He answered with chagrin, his smile faltering as his eyebrows creased ever so slightly. 

Yuu froze as he set his fork back down on his plate. He met the somber gaze of his grandfather, who was looking rather abashed, mortified, though not in the same way as he did when he saw his father yesterday. “What do you mean?” He whispered.

His Sobo exhaled a sigh. “You’ve heard of arranged marriages, haven’t you?” Yuu nodded, already dreading the rest of Sobo’s words, already forseeing the only way it could end. 

“Your father and mother were great friends, a bond thicker than blood, so when the topic of marriage was brought up, it seemed natural to just, place them together. Your mother could follow your father to the ends of the earth and vice versa.” He paused, shakily inhaling.  “But I'm afraid that I, both as his father and the head of the clan, made the wrong move. A move that damaged whatever they already had.” 

Yuu stared at his grandfather. He wasn’t aware that his parent’s marriage was an arranged one, and it seems neither his father nor mother had any say in it too. Not even the right to object to it. He was also aware of the very customs the clan had. An arranged marriage just wasn’t the way to go, never had their been an arranged marriage ever since the horrible death of Sakusa over 10 generations ago. Marriage wasn’t a thing to be arrayed with, so why?

Sobo was already well aware of the question’s going through Yuu’s head. “Your father came out to me when he was 17, he told me he was bicurios and demiromantic. This family has a history of homosexuality, and as much as we keep patriarchy, the family has grown to respect it. However, as the son and the direct descendant of the clan head, he had to at least try to provide children who were related to him by blood. And he still hadn’t found someone by the time he was 27...” He trailed, clearly ashamed of himself.

Yuu didn’t need the rest of the story for everything to be pieced together in his mind. “So...the marriage never had any love in it?” He finished, his voice slightly laced with venom and rancor. 

“I’d like to say there was, but I’d be lying. Maybe your mother loved your father, she was smiling during their wedding after all. And she really tried her best to give both you and your sister a healthy family experience.” He answered with a sad smile on his face. His eyes were crinkled in a way Yuu had never seen before.

Yuu bit his lip, letting all this new information sink in. For nine years, he didn’t know about his real family situationfor nine years. It sunk into him that the tears his mother shed, and the constant absence of his father in his life, was the result of a decision way beyond their control. And the man who did have control, disregarded the possible doom that could come with this risky decision.

It was...a hard slap to the face. A wake up call of sorts.

A deafening silence befell the two. His grandfather, who’s sights were set on the picture that hung on the wall adjacent the large shelf. Sobo looked on the verge of tears as his eyes fell on the framed family photo. It looked so unbelievably fabricated. “I’ve never regretted something more in my life.”

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

“So now your brother knows, Hatsuko.” Ryoichi stated as he stared at the papers on his desk. A few more contracts, a leave request, and a few charts and graphs with the company’s progress.

“Yeah, it was bound to happen with how much you’ve been sneaking off. It’ll be harder for me to out him on a leash now,” Hatsuko said as she tapped her foot on the floor.

“I really do think that you shouldn’t do this. You still get huge shares once he takes over, you’ll even be controlling a good portion of the company. You and your brother can live in peace, without the need for your interferance.” He stated as he glared at his daughter. He was severely disappointed with the actions she was willing to take. It was all so..desperate. The again, he couldn’t judge her he had made many mistakes himself.

“May I remind you that I have blackmail on you?” She stated.

“May I remind you that I’m still your father? At least treat me with an ounce of respect.” He retorted, signing his name on the renewal contract with the Shrouds.

Hatsuko rolled her eyes. “I don’t respect men who can’t keep their word.”

“Then perhaps you should humble yourself, because you’re being a hypocrite.” He responded to her. Venom laced in his words. He didn’t know how deep her utter desperation ran for, but it wasn’t healthy.

Hatsuko chuckled, bemused. “Learn how to hide your hickeys better then, Fùqīn.” She smiled at him, though it was evident how it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Learn how to hide your motives better, Achi.”

I hope you all had time to spend the holidays with the people you love, whether they were present physically, or bonded with them over the phone. I posted this a day before the new years so I can say to myself that I managed to finish it before this hellhole of a year ended. Just because we’re finally leaving 2020 doesn’t mean it will automatically revert and go back to normal. For now, let’s just hope 2021′s a better year! Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

[last-of-the-jaded]

After having willingly given the last month of my life over to MDZS and it’s Live Action counterpart I wanted to compile a list of my favorite aspects of both (including spoilers). Both the original Chinese Novel and it’s stunning 2019 Summer Release counterpart are breathtaking in different manners, but if you are looking for a quick recommendation, I do recommend going for the drama first as it will simplify the further consumption of content if you decide you want to partake in more.

What I love about THE UNTAMED:

The symbolism of the cliff at Nightless City, and how that entire scene marks a clear shift in Wuxian’s mental state as well as the overarching story. Similarly, how in the end it is Wuxian who throws himself off that precipice to sure death. This detail provides a direct comparison between his mental state at this moments and Cheng’s after his core was squashed, while also touching on an unique level of disparity and regret that is unrealized in the novel at this point (considering how this isn’t how Wuxian dies in the written version)

Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo. I’ve made posts about this already so I’ll spare you another essay (Here and Here)

Jiang Cheng’s entire character arc. Seeing him fully fleshed out, utilized, and properly human within the drama made it hard for me to swallow how shallow he often felt on paper, especially in the early chapters. I get that this is partially due to the youth sequences in the book being written completely from Wuxian’s POV, but for me there is something incredibly human and genuine just lacking from the version of Cheng on paper that stood out so gorgeously for me in terms of his drama counterpart. Wang Zhou Cheng did an amazing job bringing out his raw emotion and anger on screen, lines were delivered in a manner that truly solidified this characters growth and vulnerability to me. For such a new actor within his field he did a brilliant job, and is the reason I have so many damn emotions concerning Jiang Cheng’s character arc. (I have a million analysis pieces typed up on my blog if that interests you)

The sequential order for the flashbacks was incredibly easy to consume. It helped to keep events and motivations clear. I understand why the book was able to skip around in a more winding mysterious manner, but from a drama standpoint I massively appreciated being able to consume the events leading up to Wuxian’s demise in consecutive order. The first few episodes were initially extremely confusing to me as a new watcher, and it’s only when the flashbacks hit that the plot-line solidified as well.

The female leads! Yanli, Qing, and Mianmian having larger roles and development was absolutely a plus. Everyone had the same intentions and feel as they did in the original, just more fully fleshed out since they were given time to interact within the world. As a bonus note seeing Madam Yu and hearing her bullshit on screen, said out-loud in the bitchy tone her actress gave her, made her 10X worse and from an antagonist perspective I massively appreciate that they were able to make me despise her so damn much.

Everyone important to the past storyline being involved in the Gusulan Study Sessions under Lan Qiren. This was a simple and effective manner of introducing everyone and having characters feel involved and interactive from the get-go. I was honestly a little disappointed that not everyone was included when I went on to read the novel.

Ning and Wuxian’s interactions early on. Their dynamic in the show was given life, and felt genuine in how it shifted over the course of Wuxian’s trails and misfortune. I love how they included Ning in the early on portions of the series, especially the Caiyi Town waterborn abyss debacle where Wuxian saved his life. It just added more layers to an already intriguing dynamic that plays a massive role overall.

The wolf torture scene. This added a whole new layer to Wuxian’s fear of dogs, while still completing its job of giving Ning and Wuxian a reason to interact and grow. Not to mention the example of Wen Sect Torture Tactics really added to the inhumanity of the sect while sparking our main character’s growth and self-sacrificing nature.

The symbolism behind Yanli’s and Cheng’s dreams. These dream sequences give a glimpse into the heads of two complex character’s and honestly added so much background motivation to their storylines. I loved these details and how much analysis us all as viewers can put into them.

The rain scene. Wuxian telling Wangji he would prefer to die by his hands. The first tears watchers see from an incredibly strong and willful young man who has always appeared stoic. (I cannot express to you enough how sad I was that this scene didn’t take place in the novel)

Wuxian’s mask. I understand logistically why they had to do this from a filming perspective (I mean if you have someone as good looking and Xiao Zhan, damnit you are going to let him look like him as much as you can) but I honestly really enjoyed the smaller details they included to make it work plot-wise. I also appreciate how it was designed as a prop considering it actually altered Wuxian’s features in a manner that made him harder to recognize due to its bulky and carved nature.

The secret underground cave in Cloud Recess under the bathing pool. The whole meeting between Wangxian and the female sect leader. I enjoyed this detail and how they expanded upon it when it came to the burning of their sect home and the survival of their people.

Wangxian’s relationship. Their subtle, trusting, gentle way of showing love. On an additional note I appreciate how it never once felt like I needed to discuss consent with the characters (coughNOVELcough) because everything between them was healthy and playful.

The soundtrack, costuming, and bts. I understand that this was a low budget production (compared to the majority of traditional dramas) and honestly I appreciate what we were given taking that into account. They stayed true to the essence and message of the story. I love the manner in which the costumes became a part of the characters and everyone had a clear style. The soundtrack flowed amazingly well with the scene and tone shifts (this is disregarding how fake their instrument playing looked because I’m still not over how off the finger movements appeared at points). The behind the scenes content on its own could win an award - it made completing the show a million times more satisfying because I do believe that the people working on set had fun (somehow even while filming during the hottest time of the year)

The name of the drama. When you reach that moment when you understand why it is called such - it’s a tale of the rise and fall of Wuxian.

The ending scene. I know it’s not the ‘stereotypical happy ending’ fans wanted, but it perfectly fit the tone and message of the piece as a whole. I love the ending. It felt right.

What I love about MDZS (NOVEL):

The Yi City Arc. It’s worth reading for this part alone. Motivations, logic, and everything just hit so much harder. I do appreciate what the drama gave us, but like, once you’ve tasted this version it’s really hard to go back.

Empathy. In general seeing Wuxian use empathy within the novel just works so much smoother. His little anecdotes and analysis while in stasis reliving ghost’s lives gives it a realism that it’s lacking on camera.

Second Siege of the Burial Mounds. The way the novel sets up this part and actually makes it feel scary with hoard mentality makes it work so much better. It feels like there is a weight to this moment. The waves of corpses are terrifying, and the exhaustion of fighting for hours gives it a level of humanity that makes what Wuxian and Wangji selflessly do stand out even more. Not to mention, the leftovers of the Wen Sect fucked me up. I bawled. This is another detail that I would legitimately read the entire novel over for just to experience.

Wuxian being fucking terrifying at points. Playing with demonic energy and losing control is supposed to be scary. In the novel it honestly felt that way. Seeing him slowly get worse was heartbreaking. Watching how people’s opinions on him skewed, and how he dealt with looks, pressure, and weight on his shoulders, took this arc to a whole new level. The way demons and ghosts flocked to and around him in public added a level of horror that was unsettling and necessary.

Wuxian actually losing control. In the drama they added another flute player to sort of work around Wuxian having to accept the result of his failure. In the novel, there is no such thing -  and I love it. It’s another dowsing to the pain and suffering Wuxian has to accept and learn to overcome.  It makes him coming back a decade later - to live and achieve and get revenge - feel different.

Action scenes and gore. If something is called “The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation” you expect some blood, and damn do I appreciate that the author made stuff have impact. I wish the drama had a bigger budget so they could have done the wounds and cgi more justice.

Wangji rescuing Wuxian after the first raid on yiling, and choosing to suffer together, hated by the world, rather than lose the love of his life. I love the use of the cliff in the drama, especially the imagery of Wangji trying to hold Wei Ying up before ultimately falling, but the route the author took in the novel is so much fucking worse. Like I cannot even imagine the pain Wangji went through.

Lan Xichen opening Wuxian’s oblivious eyes. Best brother ever. This entire scene, leading up to the final battle, is like downing a shot and waiting for it to hit. It deserves a standing ovation.

The details in the Xuanyu of Slaughter cave sequence. Every little tell that Wangji gave - he really did fall in love young.

Mingjue’s corpse. The separated limbs, angry spirit, holding bags, and everything made sense because of description.

Wangji explaining how he got the brand mark over his heart. All of his scars. Fuck. There’s inferring, and then there is having it described to you from the person directly and feeling as your own heart dies.

Lan Zhan’s insane arm strength. This is a detail that deserves recognition.

Wuxian’s inner analysis of Nei Huaisang at the end. This was fully formed and actually had some payoff.

The clear comparisons between Mengyao’s fate and what happened to Wuxian himself. Once again you can infer in the drama, but having it clearly implied in the book hits different because when someone becomes a public pariah it’s easier to go with the public outcry than try and defend them. “Nobody knew with more clarity than Wei WuXian that nobody would care and nobody would believe”

Ning protecting Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng in a manner directly parallel to how he killed the people they cared for.

Jin Ling’s realization about being unable to hate anyone in the end. You feel for this kid. You want to see him grow up well.

The beginning set up chapter. Hearing what happened in the past vaguely through spreading rumors and small talk without seeing it for yourself adds a level of intrigue. It has greater mystery than just seeing the scene play-out and cutting away.

Everything making sense in general with no plot holes. It’s one of those things where in television no matter how well you do, you can’t possibly include all the needed details. With the drama you have to infer a lot, and sometimes you will get it wrong. In the novel it really is just much easier to make sense of. This also included the pacing as well. Timeskips make sense.

Kissing. Smut. Damn, it’s so nice to have actual payoff for the slow burn.

[sugoi-writes]

ilomilo (Midoriya x Reader) Part 2/?

Aaaand it’s here! I’m still trying to ease things in, so that the fluff/romance doesn’t feel too rushed! Let me know what you guys think! And to all the sweet comments: Thank you! I felt really motivated to continue. There’s a lot of angst this chapter too, but next chapter will mostly be FLUFF. 

Summary: Your hospitalization is going shockingly well... so well, that any day you’ll be on your way to rehabilitation. You struggle to make sense of your current stance with Izuku, and your guilt... and before things could get anymore tense, you receive an unexpected visitor. (Word Count: <2k)

(Y/N)- your name

(Y/F)- your friend’s name, your pick!

TW: depression, anxiety, negative/intrusive thoughts, rehabilitation, hospitalization 

The couple of weeks spent at the hospital were mostly uneventful. However,  the staff especially Toga-san helped you in making the time pass a little easier. After so long, your rest had finally started paying off. When you manage to function properly on your own, bearing only the scars to tell your tale, Toga tells you that you would be transferred into rehabilitation soon.

During your recovery, under strict guidelines, your friend came to visit you. They were able to bring your things a little bit at a time, and couldn't help but fawn over you. They thanked you frequently for paying for their care and medication, as you would bashfully try to brush it off. You didn’t have the heart to admit that it wasn’t you, but Midoriya who had paid for everything. You knew damn well that if (Y/F) ever figured out the truth, they would stop at nothing to strangle him, as they “hated handouts”. With you, though, they felt that you were family, and were more susceptible to your kindness.

But as the days came and went, your friend was not able to visit as frequently. You two were able to call each other often, but you couldn’t help but develop a pit in your stomach, anxious and wishing to interact with someone. Any outside interaction during this period was enough to keep your head up, and keep you optimistic for the future.

However there was one thing that would always throw you for a loop, and left you feeling confused and lost; the flowers that Izuku left you. They came in small waves, not too frequently, but enough to where it was noticeable and impressionable on your emotions.

You were flipping through one of the books you read while in recovery, marvelling at the flowers you decided to press. It was a way to keep your hero closer to you, and to keep the memory of his kindness pristine. You had a small array, and you were sure that they all held some special meaning. You also feel your face flush as you pass a particular page, with one of your favorite flowers splayed out before you. He had loved to bring you this one in particular, but you weren’t even sure how he knew this was your favorite… He never so much as came to your room, preferring that a third party deliver them in his stead. On one hand, you’re trying to be considerate, especially taking his status in mind… But with the way he calmed you and held you that night, you wondered if he wanted to actually see you, or keep you in check.

You should be embarrassed as hell, knowing that the #1 hero was taking even THIS much time out of his day to remind you that he’s here for you. But, you couldn't lie to yourself. You craved more from him, and felt that familiar, fluttering feeling surge through your chest.

You remembered him from the good ole high school days, like it was yesterday. And, as thoughts of his young, longing eyes filled your head… you began to tremble. It was so long ago, and yet… here you were, remembering it so vividly…

~~~

Deku had been arguing with you, as you dashed to shake him off of your heels. He saw you with your things, shoved haphazardly in a suitcase as you tried sneaking out of the building undetected. It surely had to have been past midnight, the moon hanging over your heads as it casted long, ominous shadows on the pavement of UA.

“PLEASE, can you just stop following me!!!,” you hiss, as Deku presses forward, ignoring your demands.

“Why are you running from this??? I just want to know why my friend is dropping out! Am I not allowed to know why???” Deku pressed, making your brow knit from frustration. You whip around to face him, and the greenette stumbles to a stop, afraid that he would bulldoze right over you. Your fists were clenched, shaking as you threw down the handle to your large suitcase in frustration.

“You wouldn’t understand, and what I do with my life isn’t your business! You have no right to tell me why I shouldn’t leave!” you spat, as Deku recoiled from your shouting. Deku anxiously throws his hands up, defensively backing up. His voice was raising as much as it could, as he was still timid with confrontation.

“I’m not-- no, I didn’t mean that you can’t leave because I said so!!! I just want to know why you’re suddenly deciding to disappear, without a goodbye or an explanation!!!”

You watch as Deku extends his arm, reaching for you, before you shove him away. It didn’t take you long to rear back, yelling directly in his face,” I DON’T HAVE... TO JUSTIFY. WHY. I’M LEAVING. TO YOU!!! You’re so far up my ass, and I wish you would just trust me when I say that I don’t want to be here anymore!!! That all I want to do is quit before I get my hopes up!!!”

Deku is shaken by your outburst once more, recoiling. You turn away from him, hoping he can’t see your face flush a humiliating, dark scarlet,” I'm not made for this school, Im… not even made for this city, Deku. I’m a foreigner, an outcast… and… I’ve never been the one to excel at anything physically or academically. People like me…. Once we start falling behind, it's... nearly impossible to ever get back up. Do you understand what that feels like?”

You scoff before Deku can retort, huffing from the anger that’s rising in your chest,” Of course you don’t! You’re so special, and smart, and brave--!! You excel at heroics, academics-- and people like me can’t even make a decent mark on exams, experience growth, or even get close to anyone...!”

You grit your teeth as Deku remains silent, fighting the urge to say that you were close to him. You were close, right? After all, you shared so much of yourself with him in winding hallways and crowded common areas. Anyone would have thought so too. And somehow, he had no idea where this anxiety or lack of faith in yourself came from. You continue to rant passionately, your eyes fixated on the pavement and your suitcase.

”Everyone is rising up, getting better, stronger… especially you. There’s…. no way I can keep up as is….,” you forlorn, your hands switching between unwinding and clenching. Deku reaches out to you once more, disregarding how you shoved him before,” …(Y/N)... you can’t be serious, I… out of anyone, you should know that’s not true. You have friends and peers to lean on, and… I-I think you do pretty great when we’re testing, doing combat training… (Y/N), I came from nothing, and I know you did too. I know that it takes so much out of you to be the best, and that you can break at any moment from the pressure… But the payoff is way too good to give up! I know you secretly feel that way too!” His voice quivers as you try to dismiss his kind words, slamming your eyes shut in disdain and protest.

“Please, just… come back inside… Tomorrow, first thing, we can make a change. Let’s make you a counselor’s appointment! Maybe even try changing your course! You can go at your own pace, and you don’t have to compare yourself to anyone else, especially me. You don’t even have to be in the heroics course to--”

You harshly slap his hand away,” Don’t you get it?!” you snap, venom dripping from your words. You thought that Izuku, out of everyone you knew, would understand where you were coming from: why you wanted to be a hero. But this was like talking to a brick wall.

“I’M-- I’m… done, ‘Zuzu… This is the end of the line for me. I know that with this… this stupid, non combatant quirk… and my lack of strength, agility, or even mental capacity... *sigh* I know that they’re going to hold me back, indefinitely. I’ve stagnated, and I’m not able to make any progress past where I am now... Whatever peak I had, in general… that’s… all gone now. I can feel my chances slipping, and I just… I just can’t sit here and take the failure. And I can’t breathe while the walls are closing in on me. I don’t want to lose… I don’t want to give up… but it’s easier than living in misery because I’ll never be good enough…”

Deku feels his heart sink as he hears you sniffling, holding back the flood gates as you hastily wipe away fresh, hot tears. He had no idea that this was how you felt, and that your mental health was so skewed against yourself.

“ All I have left is… my friend, back home… (Y/F). I have no hobbies that are worthwhile… I can’t contribute to society, and I can’t make a good name for myself. The only thing that can keep me here is them, and…” You swallow a hard lump that formed in your throat, remembering how your friend had started showing signs of being ill,”...and they have no reason to keep lying to me. I have no reason to lie to myself, just to keep falling flat on my face. If I’m getting anywhere in life… it starts… by figuring it out on my own.”

You hastily grab your luggage, walking away briskly. You were dropping out, and there was no stopping you.

“ (Y/N)! I… I can’t pretend that I completely understand your reasoning, and that I support you leaving UA behind!” Deku blurts, following behind you swiftly.

“But I can say that I have felt the way you feel right now… Maybe we aren’t… exactly in the same position… but I was hopeless before I pursued my dream and made it into UA. A campus like this... It’s-- so full of opportunity. You can thrive here, get second chances, and chart a future that you want for yourself and the people you care about.  Please… we can talk about this. I… I don’t want to patronize you, but… I… I don’t think you should give up your whole school career, your future... over setbacks, no matter how big or small.”

Your steps start to slow down, and you let Deku catch up to you, still headed towards the front gate. Deku thinks he’s getting through to you, and continues rambling,” I know you’ve been disappointed, and you haven’t made as much progress as you’ve wanted… but there’s so much time left! So much time to learn and grow. There’s room to change and switch around things! UA isn’t always for everyone, but… I really think you belong here! Out of so many people I’ve met here, you have one of the purest mindsets on being a hero, and how much it means to you!”

You tense up, pausing as Deku talks directly to you,” I’m… so sorry that I just now realized how badly you were hurting, and your struggle to be better. I wish… I wish I could have figured out, and found a way to help you more, before you… felt this awful about yourself… But you have people here that want to see you make it! Everyone is rooting for you! You… you have me...r-rooting for you.”

You felt your chest clench as he continues, your cheeks continuing to glow a deep red. He was too kind… he had too much faith in you. He has no idea… how long you’ve wanted to leave UA behind.

“ And if it meant you staying, and chasing the dream you wanted-- what you told me you wanted-- then I’d do what I could to show you that you are so much more than your grades, your performances, and your Quirk!” Deku practically shouts, his fists clenched as he looks to you firmly, with unshakeable hope.

Your eyes threaten to release new tears, but you bite your lip to distract yourself. You have to suppress the urge to yell at him again, or embrace him. You feel Deku placing a hand on your back, trying to offer you a smile,” ...there’s so much left that you haven’t even tried or experienced yet… you have strengths that are different than anyone else’s… I know that... YOU know that. So let the school, and your friends... help you find where your talents are. L-Let… let me help you, a-and I’m sure, somehow--”

You suddenly jab him with your elbow, shoving him off and away from you. Deku recoils, seemingly hurt physically and emotionally. You couldn’t bear to glance behind you and witness the sorrowful, pained expression in his eyes.

“ I...I already made up my mind, d--... don’t you dare patronize me. I don’t-- I never ASKED for your help.” You reach down to pick up your luggage, making a beeline for the school gates,” Goodbye, Zu--...Midoriya-kun... I’m sorry, but I can’t look back. I’m taking the first train home,” you spat quietly, continuing to walk away.

Deku, still recoiling from the jab in his ribs, can’t help but reach for you again. You hear a quiet, heavy-hearted waver in his voice as he calls for you. It took you mere moments to scramble past the barrier/front entrance of the school. This was planned for weeks, Deku realized, and you knew just exactly how to weasel your way past the security measures. The only thing that held you back was the right time to slip away.

If you dared to look, you would have seen nothing but tears, as Deku watched you briskly disappear into the night.

“Senpai…”

~~~

You are reeling from your dissociative state, feeling guilty that that was how you repaid him for trying to help you. Look at you now, breaking the law… and he still came for you, a criminal who critically hurt several people. He saved you, and paid for everything, despite you ghosting him and your dreams completely.

Your spiral into negativity is cut short by an intruder, Toga’s voice ringing in your ear,” Dinner’s here~”

You barely move a muscle as Himiko rolls a cart your way, bringing you a fresh, hot meal. She smiles warmly as she sets everything on your lap, propping your head up with another pillow.

“I figured I should tell you the good news~ You’ll need to eat and get to bed early, because you’re rolling out tomorrow!” Toga blurts, clapping her hands together excitedly. You blink for a moment, distracted from your intrusive thoughts,” I...thought that soon would mean like… next week?” you say, puzzled. However, Toga just smiles and shakes her head.

“Because you turned around so quickly: the doctor already went through your files and gave you the stamp of approval to be discharged! Maybe it’s a little sudden, but really, you’re going to LOVE the facility! I can’t be happier for y--”

Toga trails off mid sentence, noticing your head hanging low, a look of regret and guilt swimming in your eyes. She frowns slightly, tilting her head,” I… I know it’s a bit rushed, and still very nerve-racking, but… I can promise you that the people there, the people you’ll talk to and bond with… are actually wonderful. It’ll be so much better for you than being cooped up in bed,” she offers gently. You shake your head, smiling sadly.

“I uhh- no, it’s great! It means I can get back on my feet and home sooner, but… I just wish (Y/F) could have visited again. Or…,” you gulp, not wanting to admit that you wished you could see Deku, and thank him for everything. Toga senses what you’re trying to keep to yourself, smiling sadly,” Ohh, you’re thinking of the flower guy, huh? Your benefactor?”

Your nose scrunches up at the odd description. He was more than that to you, wasn’t he? He wasn’t some distant acquaintance, just a good-ole-hero doing heroic things… No…  no, he had to have meant more, and you meant a lot to him… right? But why do you care, and why were you so suddenly enamored with him again?!

Himiko hums in acknowledgement, shifting her weight to her other hip,” I’ll tell you what. If you eat your entire dinner, I can try and call (Y/F)-san and see if they can make it before visitation hours end. And… while I haven’t really seen Flower Man’s face, I can try and ask the front desk for a name. Surely he had to sign in so he could drop those flowers off for you.”

Your shoulders relax, your eyes brightening at the kind offer,” Yeah… actually, that would be really nice. Even just calling them, or… trying to call… h-him… would be nice,” you admit softly, causing Toga to beam down to you.

Toga chuckles, mocking a small salute to you,” Say no more~ I’ll let you eat, and I’ll go ahead and see what I can dig up in the meantime!” Toga chimes, causing you to chuckle and smile crookedly at her. For a nurse, who had to deal with patients and illness day to day… she still had an almost childish, bubbly quality to her. Like she was unphased by her difficult job.

“Th-Thanks, Toga-san. I really appreciate what you do for me,” you remark, making Toga flush ever so slightly. She nods to you, pulling the cart backwards and swiveling it towards the door, with the intent to leave.

“Awww, so sweet~ Well, I know you’ve been lonely lately, so any way I can help a patient is a-okay in my book--” Himiko panics and brings her cart to a screeching halt, having almost hit a nurse who was standing in the doorway. The nurse clears his throat, eyeing Toga with a hint of annoyance,” Toga-san, try to be more careful, will you? …*ahem* Now, (Y/N)-san. You have an unexpected visitor. They didn’t book their visitation in advance, so I’m sure you know that this is usually not allowed. However, they said that they wanted to see you before you were transferred. The visit will be granted, with your consent.”

You blink in confusion, raising a brow. You couldn’t help the small smile that bubbled to the surface” A… visitor? Ahh, yeah, that’s no problem. I really appreciate it sir, you can tell them that--”

You halt mid sentence as a man walks up to join the male nurse, wearing baggy, black athletic gear with green accents. He’s also sporting large red sneakers, and a matching baseball cap. He takes a moment to remove a pair of sunglasses off of his face, revealing rich, forest green eyes and freckled, flushed cheeks. He pulls a small bouquet of flowers from behind his back, looking at you sweetly. Your favorite flowers stared back at you as your jaw fell open, shocked. The male nurse seems unphased by the fact that he was standing next to Deku.

“S-Sorry for the late notice… may I come in?,” Izuku asks you, his voice smooth, and a little deeper than you had expected it to be.

You and Toga share looks of disbelief. Neither of you expected anyone, especially THIS MAN, right now. Toga’s face instantly becomes a dusty rose, as she backs away from the doorway, unobstructing Deku’s path. Deku gives her a courteous wave, making Toga’s shoulders relax oh-so slightly.

The two nurses look directly to you, waiting for your response as Deku wears a cavity-inducing smile. You can’t help but choke on your own words, as if gasping for air,” N-No! I mean-- no, I don’t mind if you do…! You can-- yeah, you can come in!” you practically squawk, ashamed that you had that much difficulty speaking.

Toga and the other nurse watch as Midoriya Izuku walks in shortly after, pardoning himself to get past the nurses. He nods to you, setting the flowers on your bedpost, before sitting in the guest chair beside your bed. You feel dizzy as you fixate on Deku in pure disbelief. Meanwhile, he cocks his head toward the male nurse,” Thank you for allowing this. I really appreciate it.”

The male nurse nods gingerly to Deku, before he clears his throat again. Himiko jumps, understanding the signal to give you two some space. She shakes her head, pulling off a strained, surprised smile,” U-Uhh, right! You have about 20 minutes, before I have to escort you back up front. I’ll be back to check on you and take your tray, (Y/N)-chan,” Toga sputters, before following the male nurse with her cart.

Before the door can properly shut, a door stop is wedged into place, keeping it ajar. But right now, you couldn’t tear your eyes away from Deku. Your face was heating up substantially as you struggled to comprehend how and why Midoriya was here. You swallow nervously, a singular thought crossing your mind: and then.... there were two.

[saikagerights]

A New Possession- Entry #11

THIS JOURNAL LIVES!

After nearly 3 weeks, I finally have a new entry just for you! And it's a juicy one. I kind of went all over the place with this one, but on the bright side, it's over 1k words. Perfect for my comeback.

Work has been kicking my ass lately, and so has my inspiration from the Newlyweds one shot. Unfortunately for this fic, there may be another time where I switch gears to work on something else, so it's not as if I don't want to continue this fic, it's just that other ideas overtake this one.

But do not fear, because I plan on prioritizing this fic in the near future. Thanks for the support as always

LONG LIVE THE JOURNAL!

Also available on AO3

February 14

It’s Valentine’s day.

I find myself kilometers away from the village on another search assignment from the Rokudaime. Lately the highest ranked missions available are to lead search groups for the ranks that were discovered missing after the war’s end.

There were multiple scenarios to describe these cases. There were some that went rogue like the shinobi that were amassed by Gengo in the land of Silence, but that was a small minority of the ones that disappeared. Many of these search groups had discovered that the supposedly “rogue” targets had simply wandered away from the village without notice as some sort of backwards resignation just to conceal themselves in smaller villages outside of Konoha.

Regardless of the intent, it was our responsibility to return them to the village for interrogation out of suspicion for not following standard resignation protocol.

Although I disagree with their actions, I do understand their motive. Many shinobi had resigned as soon as they could. Both the young and inexperienced, as well as the old and hardened had reached their threshold of tolerance for combat.

Resignations are still very common 2 years later, as more and more realize the sudden decline in available work due to the  truth that is peace. While I’ve also seen a decrease in my work load, I couldn’t ever see myself being anything other than a shinobi; It’s the only thing I know… I don’t know if I could even adjust to doing something different.

It’s not that I find any specific enjoyment in my work. Work is work, but I can’t help but find a specific fulfillment when I complete a task. I guess that’s just a result of my training. Naruto is usually quite enthusiastic when a job has been “well done” but I mostly assume that’s because he is working towards a higher position. Shikamaru’s demeanor suggests indifference,however he has revealed to me that his main determination lies in supporting Naruto’s rise to the level of Hokage.

In contrast, Sakura and Ino have only found more work after peace fell upon Konoha. It could arguably be the most important work of all; Healing and revitalizing the village.

Meanwhile, here I am leading search missions rather than the assassination missions I was executing less than 2 years prior.

The Choujuu Giga itself was a very essential tool that was best utilized for communication and reconnaissance, but all ROOT agents were highly skilled in assasination. As long as the target was disposed of in an efficient manner, it was enough to fulfill the will of Danzo-sama. And while Konoha’s will of fire has engulfed his will, Danzo-sama’s influence still leaves its remnants in the village’s deep underground networks and we are still far from finished in uprooting that.

For some reason however, the Rokudaime has placed me in charge of this mission instead of allowing me to chase a new lead. And I’m missing Valentine’s day on top of that.

I find Valentine’s day to be a strange, yet rather enjoyable holiday. The idea of girls giving me chocolates is a strange concept to me, but getting gifts from friends isn’t inherently a bad thing, right?

However, there have been occurrences that now require me to be extra vigilant when celebrating.

Sakura has always been incredibly um… generous? She never fails to hand deliver her own chocolates to Naruto and I every year since becoming teammates. And while I am flattered by the gesture, I can only accept the gift with a smile and a thank you before swiftly tossing them out.

Despite her good intentions, she has had quite the history of poisoning me and Naruto with her generosity. One year, I expressed my concerns, and what I received in return was a quick dose of lethal retribution for my honesty

“I cannot accept this. The last time you offered something like this I ended up ill for days.”

I was expecting some kind of rage to come from Sakura, but instead she seemed calm and collected as she slowly stepped towards me. I turned my head to see Naruto back away, his hands raised in surrender.

“Sakura-chan…”

“Naruto, I need your support on thi-”

My plea was cut off by a punch. In my attempt to dodge, a powerful strike landed onto my trachea, completely cutting off my ability to breathe. It was immensely painful, my hands clutching my neck with strained wheezing breaths and dry coughs. Sakura swiftly yanked me by the collar to apply her healing hands to my throat.

“Geez, stop moving around so much and next time I won’t accidentally hit something vital.”

Naruto didn’t laugh for once, but he also never backed me up on my statement. Probably because he didn’t want to get punched. And despite Sakura’s numerous apologies over the incident,I’ve humbly accepted the gift with a thank you to avoid a repeat.

I don’t fear for my life every Valentine’s day, however. Ino had given me a much different gift for three years now. She had even been kind enough to ask me what I preferred.

“I do this for my boys every year.”

I remember that she didn’t meet my eyes when she said that.

“Shikamaru is a weirdo who likes white chocolate,and while Choji would eat anything I gave him, he prefers his chocolate with nuts…”

She trailed off, perhaps realizing the awkwardness of the situation. I know for certain I hardly had anything to say to respond to that.

“But I wanted to know what you like…”

I responded in the only way I knew how at the time, with utter honesty

“I don’t like the taste of chocolate. It’s too sweet for me.”

I was too used to the bland and flavorless meals and food pills to have a sense of taste like anyone else of the group. Naruto has set out to “broaden my flavor horizons” by taking me out to various eating establishments around the village with the rest of the guys. I was delightfully surprised how little ramen had fit into his plans, but I know that the others probably have some say in where we go. I have yet to have a bad experience with these outings, but I still prefer tofu above all else and tend to stray away from sweets.

But my statement never would deter Ino.

“There is such a thing as bittersweet chocolate…”

She said this more to herself, but determination set into her eyes as I could now clearly see the fire in them

You’d be willing to try that if I gave it to you, right?”

At the time, it seemed like she had disregarded what I said, but soon after, I realized that she was actually trying to include me in the tradition. I had no other choice but to accept this condition.

And nearly 3 years later I still look forward to her figuratively “sweet” gesture. Looking back on it reminds me that she can be pretty cute when she’s embarrassed like that. But I think it’s the sheer force of her will that makes her truly beautiful…

I don’t know if I’m using those descriptors well, but I have decided to use them in the manner I did.

Upon more thought and observation, I’ve concluded that I am able to find points of attraction in women, or at least in Ino I can.

When I look into her bright eyes, all I am reminded of is how they were the only things I could focus on when I drew her. Or how her immense kindness had shone through them when she saved my life. Not to mention the sheer determination that flows through her when up against a daunting task. I guess that’s in her blood as an interrogator, but it seems like it is all hers to take control of.

The same could be said about her smile.

I’ve analyzed many smiles over the past few years, tirelessly trying to find what gives them life and meaning so I could someday replicate them, but all I can muster is a poor imitation. In Ino’s smile, I can see so much emotion emanating from it, outlined by cherry red lips. And I like that.

I like that quite a bit, actually.

I should probably stop thinking about this while I’m on a mission. My team is already trying to get my attention about a new lead.

I guess now I have something to look forward to when I get home.

Bittersweet chocolate coming from a beautiful girl.

_________________________________________________________

God I'm getting really sappy with my writing. Newlyweds was full of it, but now that energy is seeping into this fic. It might not be a bad thing though.

I also found enjoyment in writing Sai getting throat punched

I mentioned work kicking my ass, but next week I will be away visiting my sister out of state. I am kind of worried about the second wave of Rona slamming the country, but I gotta be as careful as I can while traveling. I hope to get some writing done while I'm away.

Anyway, comments and critiques are always appreciated. See you next time!

-Saikage

[goblin-alchemist]

Do you have any tips for getting a hang of characterizations? You always do so amazingly, especially with Gabriel!

Thank you!

I have talked about this with a few friends prior, so I'll see if I can put it into words again.  This might be redundant to those who remember discussing this with me before, but here we go.  I'll focus upon Gabriel since he seems to be the trickiest for people to write.  I'll also reference some of my stories to give examples.

Gabriel's primary motivation, in my mind, is Emilie.  I default everything back to Emilie.  If Gabriel gets absorbed in something and forgets his grief/goals, etc, I have him suddenly think “Man, if Emilie were here we would be able to watch Adrien experience these milestones together” or “I wish I could hold Emilie's hand like Adrien is doing with Marinette”.  And then he gets sad again.  It's an instant grounding focus for him, and thus leads to renewed determination.  “I am doing this because the ends justify the means.  I just want Emilie back.”  I kind of play with the sunk-cost fallacy with Gabriel, too.  At this point, he's put in so much to being Hawkmoth that he can't back out now.  (Until I slam something in his face that gets him to stop abruptly, like him discovering the heroes' identities).

So that's his primary motivation.  But now to address a lot of the rest of his personality.

The fandom likes to emphasize that Adrien is the face of the company and he has to put on a mask, and only when he's Chat Noir does that mask slip and he's allowed to be his “true self”.  I feel Gabriel is also in the same boat.  He's the head of his company.  He's expected to maintain certain social graces just like his son (if not more so).  He's quiet and reserved and polite, but he's not very forthcoming because of fears of industrial sabotage, or revealing a weakness to competitors that can be used against him, or getting taken advantage of (all of which as an adult, he should have experienced at one point in his life).  His stoic poker face was developed as a result of his life experiences.

However, we're shown he's not really reserved and in control.  Just like Chat Noir, we have canon evidence that Gabriel is as ham-fisted, emotional, and pun-filled as Chat Noir.  We see it in every single Hawkmoth monologue, in every time Hawkmoth transforms and gets giddy with excitement that he might win, and with every anger-fueled declaration of vengeance.  (The argument of 'are those Gabriel's legit emotions or does the butterfly miraculous emphasize those emotions from his victims?' is a nice angle to play with in fiction as well).

But as Gabriel, he's not excessively impulsive (Miraculous-stealing opportunities aside).  He lets people speak their case before forming judgment (more on this in a moment), but once the judgment is formed, it's hard to get him to change his mind.  He's stubborn.

So if I'm writing the story or scene from a third-person-perspective, like Marinette, I can't delve into his thoughts on paper.  I have to show the audience what he's thinking through other cues.  Since he's a man of little words, I'll have him silently scan a room before speaking.  He allows people to speak and give them the opportunity to screw up in his presence before he says a word as to his opinion.  Once that opinion is formed, however, good luck getting him to change his mind.  I have to show this using his glowers, frowns, squared shoulders, and clenched hands.

If something pops up that's great dramatic irony (when he was secretly overjoyed that Marinette designed a Hawkmoth-themed dress, for example), I'll show it as flashes of amusement in his eyes, twitching of lips, the relaxing of his posture, and the crinkling of his eyes.  The key here is to show subtle ways of expressing emotions without outright stating that's what's happening, because Gabriel schools himself and his emotions in front of others.

But when I write directly from his POV, that's where the fun begins.  There, I can describe his internal monologue, which is inspired by his actions as Hawkmoth.  I can have Gabriel sit silent, glowering at anyone who approaches while he observes and dryly comments on everything around him.  He won't say his sarcastic thoughts aloud, but he'll be thinking them, and here's my opportunity to channel the exasperation.  Somethings things will just slip out because honestly, is everyone around him an idiot?!  He'll recover and glower away any funny looks aimed at him, because his intimidation is as much a weapon as his silence is.

Frustrated exasperation is what I usually write Gabriel as a lot of times.  As Hawkmoth, he releases that frustration.  As Gabriel, it has to be kept bottled up inside and it only comes out in internal sarcastic remarks.

If I feel Gabriel strays too much into the OOC/cracky territory (which happens a lot in my stories, I admit) when I channel a bit too much Hawkmoth through his civilian form, I stick Nathalie in there as his straight man. She displays even less emotion than Gabriel and ends up being a really nice balance when I go a bit overboard on Gabriel's emotional outbursts.  A few pointed phrases or deadpan replies that juuuuuust touch upon inappropriate for an assistant to talk to her powerful boss, but she helps ground Gabriel into more of his realistic canon personality instead of complete OOC crack.

He's a man of few words as Gabriel, and he's used to being in a position of power, surrounded by yes-men (Nathalie and the Gorilla).  He isn't used to having anyone challenge him.  So, he doesn't need to explain his reasons to people.  When Marinette was rambling on about why he of all people was bidding on her dress design, he halted her mid-ramble and merely said “I like it.”  The end.  He keeps his cards close to his chest, and the only time I've actually seen him let down his guard is oddly, to Nooroo.  I'm certain this is just a narrative device for us, the viewer, but the fact is Gabriel is weirdly forthcoming to Nooroo and pretty much lays out his thoughts, plans, and analysis on the situation at hand.  I use that to my advantage in my stories when writing the Nooroo/Gabriel relationship, and how subconsciously, Gabriel might view Nooroo as a mentor (even if he disregards all of the advice Nooroo freely gives).

He's the head of his multi-million euro company.  He didn't get there by being lax and lazy.  He has super high standards, and isn't afraid to verbally rip apart his peers if it's warranted.  However, he's not entirely unfair, I don't think.  He allowed Marinette to defend her hat design in Mr. Pigeon before coming to a judgment on it.  He allowed Nino to propose his last-minute plan in Bubbler to throw Adrien a birthday party before he denied it (and then interrupted Nino and got angry with him only after the boy continued to push the point).  He allowed Marinette to explain how she stumbled across his Miraculous book before saying anything to her.

To me, the fact he actually went and met with these people in the first place shows a lot about his character.  He's willing to hear people out, but he makes fast judgments and doesn't budge from them. People have to get into his good graces right away or it's hard to change his mind later.  He has flashes of anger, but its not sustained, because he's already moving onto finding a solution to the problem (like in Volpina when he got that phone call about an issue with his designs).  Sometimes, I wonder how much of his anger and irritation is a result of his real thoughts and emotions, or just him seeing an opportunity to akumatize someone by riling them up further.

In this manner, he's calculating, very calculating, and if something reflects him in a poor light its probably for a reason (staging his 'temper tantrum' in Collector).  I ignore the canonical inconsistencies toward his waffling degrees of intelligence and treat Gabriel as very smart, but oblivious and arrogant.

I see him actually as very much like Marinette, only bitter and jaded.  She's clever and creative, and so is he.  The only difference between the two is that life has struck him down with angst.  He's lost his soulmate.  He's experienced the lows of being a starving artist.  He's encountered failure. Marinette has yet to go through any of that.

I could probably go on further and delve into different aspects of different scenarios (his wish, etc) but I think I've rambled on long enough and seems like I've jumped erratically between a bunch of different points  :)  Let me know if you have any additional questions and I hope this has helped at little at least.

[lavander-galaxy]

Sanders Sides Analysis: Logos, Pathos, and Ethos

A few days ago in my English class, we reviewed ethos, pathos, and logos. It sparked my interest because I knew that Logan’s name was based off of logos and Patton’s off of pathos. I have seen plenty of theories about these tools of persuasion, so I decided to analyze the sides through each of these concepts. 

Enjoy!

LOGOS

Logos is an appeal to logic and reason, it is also a Greek word that means ‘a word’ or ‘reasoning’.This tool of persuasion is used to “prove” an argument through logical and sound reasoning. Now of course this sounds pretty accurate for our nerd, but I couldn’t help but realize who else this connected to. Deceit. Throughput the entirety of SvS Dee used LOGIC in order to show Thomas his point and make the other sides listen to him. Heck he even showed up as Logan in the beginning. But why would Deceit shut Logan out of the conversation if they are so similar? Well, Logan wasn’t completely shut out since Dee did use Logan to answer some questions in the episode, and he had some outbursts at some point. However, It does make some sense why Deceit wouldn’t want Logan to have an input based on later parts of the episode. For example: At the very end Logan interrupts Dee as he is trying to prove his point to the others. He says “leave the teaching to me”. Logan is the true source of logic in the group, that is what he represents. Maybe Logan feels competition between him and Dee because they both use logos to prove their arguments and explain their reasoning.

PATHOS

Pathos is an appeal to the emotions, so it makes sense that Patton is the main man representing this. Pathos is also a Greek word that means ‘experience’ or ‘suffering’. Wait.. suffering?? It is important to note that even though Patton is a bubbly character he still encompasses sad emotions. Something I found interesting about Pathos is that a way to use it is by appealing to an audiences hopes and dreams, playing on their fears and worries, or appealing to their particular beliefs or ideals. But, that’s not all only Patton. ‘Hopes and dreams’ I don’t know about you, but that sounds like Roman to me. ‘Playing on their fears and worries’ and that right their sounds like Virgil. How could all of these characters be connected? Well, A part of the series that I have noticed is how the three of them always seem to understand each other better. On the other hand, Logan is left misunderstood, not listened too, and disregarded because the other three don’t understand his way of reasoning. We really saw the clash in WDWGOOBITM. Logan and Roman kept going back and forth about who was right and wrong, but they didn’t even understand what either of them was trying to argue the while time. Not until the end when Thomas brought up their points again, and pointed out that they actually make a good team at least. In fact a way to show pathos while persuading someone is by using descriptive language and imagery which evokes emotion. Sounds pretty familiar right? That is exactly how Roman chose to explain his point of view during that whole episode. Another way to use pathos in an argument is by identifying values or emotions which relate particularly to your audience, and play to them. This was Patton’s plan during SvS. Remember how he got info out of Virgil while he was on the stand? He played to the fact that he knew how much losing a friend would hurt Virgil, so that’s how he approached his case with him. He attempted to do the same with Logan, but since they are so opposite when it comes to the tools of persuasion, it was a flop. He didn’t know what to ask, or how to get more information that he needs out of Logan. Partially was probably because he knew that Thomas didn’t actually want to go to the callback, but I can’t help but think that it is also because Patton doesn’t understand how Logan works. This also makes sense on why Logan refuses to believe he has emotions. Not only is he the furthest away from using pathos ever, but he doesn’t understand  the reason behind it. Why does he need emotions, when he can get his point across clearly with facts? Another part of pathos that I noticed is how it is connected to guilt. Pay attention to both of these examples of pathos that I found:1- If you don’t buy this life insurance you are letting your family down. 2- If you don’t go on this holiday you will regret it. You don’t want to live with regrets, do you? Wow. very guilt-trippy I know. This brings light to a quote by Roman after Patton scolds him for siding with Dee in SvS, “Yeesh, I would’ve stayed in my room if I knew dad was gonna take us on a guilt trip.” (This also just strengthens my argument that the next side is gonna be guilt but that is besides the point).It now makes sense why Patton has been using guilt as a way to persuade lately. That is what he knows, that is how he knows he is able to get the others to agree with him. Besides, if your audience is more emotionally invested and engaged with your case or argument, they are more likely to be persuaded. Right?

ETHOS

Finally ethos is up. This is the tool of persuasion that I have seen most people put Dee with. However, I think I am going to have to disagree. Ethos is an appeal to authority and credibility and it is a Greek word meaning ‘character’. One thing we know of Dee so far is that right now he is not trusted to be credible. Also every side literally takes whatever he says as a lie or not the complete truth. The main goal of using the ethos form of persuasion is to convince your audience to do what you believe is right or just to convince them of your point is by using your character or credibility. That is not deceit’s angle throughout svs at. all. The only time in that episode that used ethos is in the beginning of the episode when Patton tried to convince Thomas that he needs to skip the callback because of his morality. Patton says “what is this wacky talk? You don’t mean any of this. I’m your morality. I wouldn’t be here if you did.” And to that Deceit responds with the same exact reasoning. “You know who else is here? me. so maybe Thomas isn’t so innocent.” Ironically enough, ethos is used more against deceit than in deceit’s favor. Take Virgil for example, he has pointed out how deceit is a liar and how no one should ever trust his too many times to count. Whenever Dee is starting to make a valid point it is always shot down by his own character and credibility at the hands of the lights. Rather that his own credibility, Dee’s preferred tactic is fact and truth. (which is ironic since he is deceit). Sounds like logos right? That’s cause it is. He using the same tactics as Logan does, which explains why they butt heads so much. Deceit is there to show Thomas the truth. He hates it when Thomas lies to himself and covers up what he truly believes is true. Which is exactly the point of svs. As Dee says in the video, “What am I doing here, Thomas? Am I the snake come to trick you into sinning or have you had your mind made up since the moment you received the news about the callback?” Deceit’s arguments all focus on fact, truth, and the ABSENCE of lies. In fact whenever a side lies during this episode Deceit immediately calls them out. (I would list them but that’s for a different post) The curious case of Dee’s questions throughout that video also leave many questions. My favorite of his questions is that whenever Deceit was questioning the other sides he began with asking them what their functions were as a part of Thomas. It’s almost like he was setting Patton up to ask him the same question. Maybe then his side of the story would have made a little more sense. But alas! I guess we will just have to wait a little longer to fully understand Dee as a character. However, we did get an insight on his motives of the video. And he was doing it all to protect Thomas. Funny right? It’s almost like that was Virgil’s motive as well when he was an outcast. But, that is a completely different topic so I will leave you guys, gals, and non-binary pals with this.

Deceit obviously isn’t as cut and dry as the rest of the sides. I don’t think we can perfectly put him in a box in order to try and predict his name or his motives just yet. It is the same as the case with Virgil. The others are different. And I can’t wait to see how they flourish within the series. 

 So basically what I am trying to say is, based on what we have seen Deceit’s arguments are based more on fact that character and credibility. This leads me to believe his character, argumentative style, and name, are not based on ethos. His character seems like it is leaning more towards logos actually. 

Thanks for reading all of this! I hope that the people who decided to read this ridiculously long post (and who patiently waited for me to get off my butt and finish it) enjoyed what i had to say. If i missed anything, or you want to bring up your own p.o.v to what I offered feel free to! <333

[gh0st-patr0l]

Selfishness v. Selflessness: An Analysis of Deceit

So.

Since the latest episode came out, I’ve been thinking about a LOT, but especially about Deceit. He’s an amazingly complex character, and it’s a lot to wrap your head around. However, I felt that the thing I wanted to talk about most was his overall intention with this whole scenario- note, when I say that, I’m not talking about the call-back v. wedding debacle. Because, when you really look at it, Deceit’s true intent had little to do with those events themselves. It was just a convenient scenario that could be used to illustrate a point. And I’ve already gone on a rant about that part- how in the end it wasn’t even an issue of right or wrong, but staying true to your moral compass- so I won’t get into it here. What I really want to do is take a closer look at Deceit’s closing arguments, in context of the rest of the episode and his previous statements. 

I’ll be honest, the first time I watched the episode I was so invested in the drama that I actually didn’t even PROCESS what he meant with this scene, but now that I’m looking back it’s absolutely critical to understanding Deceit’s true intentions. Written out, it’s actually a pretty short exchange, but there’s a lot to pick apart here. Let’s start from where the actual argument begins.

Thomas: I don’t understand... you got what you wanted. You proved that I’m not as honest as I’d like to believe. Deceit: But you’re still missing the point! Didn’t it seem kind of ridiculous to take this matter SO seriously, to the point of settling it in a legal setting?! Everyone else: [mumbled disagreements] Roman: We do that kind of stuff all the time...

Alright, so this is where Deceit has obviously become frustrated that the others haven’t picked up on his intentions with this whole scheme. (Tbf Thomas’s Single braincell had been omitted from most of the situation so it’s really not totally their fault,) 

Here, we see a BLATANT distinction between him and the rest of the sides. The sides all consider these elaborate scenes and lengthy discussions and journeys over their dilemmas to be a completely sensible way of dealing with their problems. It’s just how they do things, it’s how they work best.

But Deceit, despite being a part of Thomas, doesn’t get it.

Unlike the other sides, he doesn’t give equal weight to all issues Thomas has. He sees the choice between a social obligation and a career opportunity as obvious and pointless to agonize over. 

It’s important to think about this in combination with what he says in the courtroom- his ultimate goal is to fulfill Thomas’s wants and look out for him. At first, that simply sounds like the same benevolent thought process that all the other sides have, and to a point it is. But when you think about that along with the fact that he considers his friends and family as inconsequential- not just a little lower on his list of priorities, but not even worth considering- it becomes clear that Deceit’s protection and concern of Thomas takes on a whole nother form in light of his outlook and actions. But we’ll come back to that in a bit, let’s get back to the argument.

Deceit: WHOO, okay, let me put it this way- life... is like a pinata.  Patton: Colorful, and full of stuff that makes you happy??? Deceit: ...SURE. And you WANT that stuff that makes you happy, right?! Patton: Do I?! Roman: Do I... Deceit: Then in order to get that stuff, you must ATTACK the pinata!

THIS is where Deceit’s language comes into play. Thomas and the rest of the Sanders Sides team are fantastic at writing, especially dialogue, and I think the specificities of the metaphor Deceit’s chosen to use here are critical.

When Deceit describes the human experience and life in society, he describes it as an object that must be looked at through a gauge of offense. He doesn’t use language like take, obtain, earn- he says attack. He views life as a struggle, as something violent that must be beaten and won. And this is reflected in the court scenes. Specifically, when he’s talking about his motivation for wanting Thomas to lie, he uses the word disadvantage. Again, referring to life as a competition, or a game. (This actually made me wonder why Thomas didn’t choose to bring up Conflict Theory at any point, but now that I think about it more I suppose an anarchistic viewpoint would fit Deceit better than one rooted in socialism.)

And Deceit wants the others, and most importantly, Thomas, to look at life that way as well. He sees life as a competition against others, and because of that, sees no value in putting other’s wants and needs above his own. In my mind, this is where his rhetoric crosses the line from sensible into overly cynical. He was right in the point that sometimes selfishness can be good- but that’s not what he’s saying anymore, and I think it may have never even been in the first place, and that he was simply being less radical in the case to appear more favorable. Deceit doesn’t just think that selfishness isn’t inherently evil, he thinks that selflessness is damaging. 

And, from a character standpoint, that makes sense. Because inherently, Deceit is a selfish concept. It’s lying at someone else’s expense to achieve your own goal. And, as Deceit pointed out, that isn’t always bad! Your goal can obviously be benevolent. But as a character, he is quite literally a personification of deceit, with the goal of getting Thomas what he wants and/or needs. In a concept like that, there’s little to no room for morals or empathy.

Which brings us to our last bit of relevant dialogue from that scene;

Deceit: But you’re wearing a blindfold right now. You can keep playing with the blindfold on, if you like the game better that way. But if you take it off, it’s easier to get that stuff that you want!

Admittedly, this bit is a little harder to understand, but I think it’s clear that by blindfold, Deceit is symbolizing what he sees as disadvantage or hindrance; morals and empathy. 

Throughout the entire episode, and his other appearances, Deceit has never responded with concern towards the feelings or circumstances of anyone other than Thomas himself- it may look like that on the surface from his first appearance and his acknowledgment of Thomas wanting to be a good friend, but in reality, he only reacts to those things when they’re directly related to what Thomas wants. In the lying episode, he doesn’t actually want to spare Joan’s feelings; Thomas feels bad, Thomas wants Joan to think he’s a good person, and Deceit sees a way to fulfill Thomas’s want in that scenario. In that sense, he’s actually very similar to Logan- function over feeling. He doesn’t care what he’s doing or why, as long as Thomas gets what he wants.

And this is when Deceit’s argument finally becomes clear and concrete. Deceit wanted this trial to prove that being selfish is better. This is when his intentions are no longer agreeable, at least to me, because what he’s trying to say is his core philosophy is that Thomas should ignore his morals towards the people around him, because it will be easier to then achieve his own goals. The argument goes from what was seemingly encouragement towards self-care, to a complete disregard of others. He sees caring for the people in his life to be an optional difficulty and a burden that only makes it harder for Thomas to get what he wants. He places no value in Thomas’s relationships, and only serves, or attempts to serve, in their benefit when it is Thomas’s immediate goal to do so. 

And that is interesting- Deceit has no control over what Thomas wants, but an obligation to help him achieve them, and apparently, opinions on what his priorities within those wants should be. And this is when we need to remember that the sides are not full personalities, but facets of Thomas himself.

Of course, the main four are such broad concepts that it’s easier to fit more of a “person” into each one. Morality is a vast understanding of right and wrong, but has a lot of room to move around in as far as demeanor and actions, and is combined with an interesting representation. The same with logic, and the same with passion- their representations combined with the flexibility of their definitions and interpretations offer a lot of room for filling out characters. Anxiety is a little different since at its core, anxiety and fear are really only an instinctual reflex. However, by extending that out into vaguer definitions and related traits like insecurity and morbidity, and once again tying it all up with a wonderfully engaging persona, Thomas still makes him feel like a character. 

But the sides are not real people. They are built to represent a certain trait, and because of that, their behavior and motivations are more extreme and less well-rounded than normal people’s would be. They are written to be, for the most part, single-faceted characters. Their personality is only a specific section of someone else’s, and because of that they don’t act or think with the complexity of a real human person. And that is SO important to understanding Deceit.

To a point, Thomas managed to fully characterize Deceit as well- however, he’s a bit different. Because unlike the others, Deceit is a much more limited concept. He is a personification of lying and dishonesty. He doesn’t represent any emotions, any other traits, he’s just Deceit. Because of that, he can only be so emotionally complex (which is why I’m very impressed that Thomas and the team managed to give him so much life and feeling!). And that is partially why... I don’t really see him as sympathetic as many do, personally.

(This is where I’m gonna move away from Just Facts to more opinion based reasoning, so just skip to the end if you’re not interested in that.)

I’m not sure if I’m maybe missing something, but from what I saw, I don’t actually think Deceit was ever sad or hurt in that exchange- only frustrated because he couldn’t understand why the others didn’t see things the way he did. In the end, I don’t feel like him blowing up was from a place of emotional hurt. On the contrary, I think the source of conflict for him was in his reasoning. It was the fact that his logic couldn’t make sense of the choices around him, because he’s physically incapable of understanding the situation from a place of empathy like the others do. What he saw was Thomas making a decision that goes against what he directly wants, and Deceit literally just can’t understand that. He can’t understand the concept of Thomas choosing to uphold his morals over his personal desires, because he just doesn’t have the personal capacity to do so. So he loses his temper, gets bitter, and leaves. 

I hope that this doesn’t give you the impression that I dislike Deceit as a character. I actually LOVE Deceit, from the standpoint of a writer and a fan. He’s a wonderful addition to the cast and adds a lot to the series.

However, I don’t fully sympathize with him, and I don’t feel comfortable idolizing him as he is in the show, because I honestly don’t see him as benevolent. I appreciate his motives, but I disagree too strongly with his outlook and logic to relate to or support him. I think that’s what I was trying to communicate with this analysis- it felt to me like a lot of people completely overlooked the intention of Deceit’s actions in this episode, which in my opinion does a HUGE disservice to the complexity of his character. He’s not a helpless, misunderstood victim. He’s a character who pairs good intentions with manipulation, carelessness, and immoral methods, which is a lovely thing to appreciate as an element of a show. But when you ignore those parts of his character to either idolize OR demonize him, it does a huge disservice to both him and the writers. I think I’d just like to see more people appreciate the intricacies of his character, especially in terms of his moral implications.

But, I think I’ve rambled enough as it is, so Imma end it here. This was a LOT of fun to write, and I might do more if yall like it, cause I have a LOT of thoughts about this series in general. Let me know if you’d want to see that! Bye for now!!!!