#that's allowed me to feel 'okay..something is up' because what they had was definitely mutual

[yuseirra]

they used to be so soft

[taelophone]

Hold My Hand‧ ˚₊⊹ TWs: Abnormal friendships, mutual pining, reader is lowkey going THRU it lol, death jokes, Reader and Joost are grossly close, unresolved feelings! A/N: SORRY I LITERALLY FORGOT TO POST THIS OMFG😭😭 continuation of “Good To Grow” ^^

RPF under the cut!!

*DOING!*

Huh…?

*DOING!*

What the hell was that?

*THUD!!*

You turned your head towards your bedroom window, immediately furrowing your brows with concern.

Something had been hitting your window, and it wasn’t letting up.

You got out of your bed, quickly making your way over to your window and drawing the curtain. It was definitely still early in the morning; you could see the tint of melancholy blue in the sky as you peered out the window.

The deep blue painted the color of the warm pale face you had grown to love over the past few years. You stared at him as rosy cheeks and angel blonde hair stared back up at you.

You used all your strength to open your old, creaky windows as they growled at you for the early morning noise.

“Oh…Hello!” You murmured, resting your hands on the windowsill as you leaned out the glassy entrance.

“Agoeie! Goedemorgen! Come outside!” He beamed, waving at you eagerly.

“What time is it..?” You questioned, rubbing the sleep away from your eyes. “It’s so early..”

“It’s like 6:30! Don’t worry, I’ll have you back before 7��PM.” He said, an impish grin plastered on his face.

“I have to ask my mommy…” you sighed, staring down at him with an amused expression.

You sighed, stretching your arms up as much as your window would allow, shuddering with pre-morning adrenaline that dispatched from your fingertips.

“Okay…let me go get ready.” You sighed, waving goodbye and placing your hands on top of the window ledge again, pushing it down with all your might.

“Yes!” Joost exclaimed, darting to your front door and finding purchase on the warm blades of grass as he waited for you to get ready.

You brushed your teeth as quickly as possible, pricking and scraping your gums a couple of times from the speed and aggression of your toothbrush.

You flew out of the bathroom, making quick work of sliding through your bedroom and tearing up your closet for something to wear. 

Yellow, yellow, white, pink, blue, green, white, yellow…man, how much yellow did mom buy? You sorted through the different fabrics until you pulled out a yellow spaghetti strap top.

It had flowers textured into the top, with a little bow at the top of the bust, just like a little babydoll shirt.

And finally, you turned to your jeans, pulling out a light blue pair of cuffed shorts with a cute flower button that paired pretty well with your shirt.

You tugged on your outfit, keeping in mind how hot it was going to get later thanks to the summer sun. Thanks, weather.

You moisturized your arms and legs, knowing that dry skin was the enemy these days thanks to the great explanation from your mother.

Once you smelled like Jergens Cherry Almond and youth, you headed to your parents room and barged in, not able to grasp the necessity of knocking before entering.

“Hi mommy…” you whispered, immediately zoning in on her form which had been startled awake.

She sighed, clutching at her chest as she registered that there hadn’t been a break in. “You scared me…hi, sweetie…” she breathed, catching the breath you had stolen from her seconds prior.

“Can I go and play with Joost? He’s outside.” You asked, noticing the absence of your father. “Where’s daddy?”

“He left early for work. They gave him a new schedule, so he’ll be heading out by 5…what time is it?” She surveyed, finally peaking open her eyes.

“I dunno.” You shrugged, watching as she stared at her alarm clock.

“Sweetie, it’s 6:40…you can’t wait another hour?” She sighed.

“No, he’s already outside.” You murmured.

She sighed, running her hand across her face. “Fine, have fun. But I want you back home before dinner, and this is only allowed because Joost is going with you. Don’t split up, stay together.” She mumbled, lying back down.

You nodded, immediately nodding. “Yes ma’am! Thank you mommy!” You beamed, slamming her door shut and departing from the house within the same 10 seconds.

You flew down the last few stairs, grabbing your ivory messenger bag and sliding on your yellow jelly sandals before making your way out the front door, immediately locking eyes with Joost on your front lawn.

“Hi.” You smiled, waving at him as you closed your front door.

“Hallo!” He beamed, standing up from the spiky blades of green to pull you into a hug.

“Oh..! Okay.” You smiled, gently but hesitantly reciprocating his hug and patting his back gently.

You could finally see his face clearly, and you could see the little freckles he had begun to accumulate during the beginnings of summer.

He was dressed casually, with his khaki jean cargo shorts and black LittleBigPlanet shirt, in addition to a new black beaded bracelet you had never seen before.

“Where are we going?” You murmured, letting him take your hand as he led you away from your front door.

“To this arcade I saw…and then we can go climb trees again.” He nodded. “Can you put these in your bag for me?” He asked, holding up 6 fat stacks of 25 cent coins rolled up in red and white paper.

“Woaaaahh..” you murmured, eyebrows dispatching upwards at the amount of coins he had. You opened your bag, letting him drop the stacks of coins in before snapping it shut again.

“That’s a lot of coins..” you said, walking alongside him as you began your walk to this arcade he was talking about.

“My dad gave them to me!” He smiled,  giving your soft hand a gentle squeeze.

“That was very nice of him.” You smiled, glancing up at him briefly. “I like your dad, he’s cool. He lets me eat your ice cream in the freezer.” You snickered.

“Wait what-?” Joost blurted. “He told me he was eating them!”

“He lied. It was me.” You beamed, giggling at his slight frustration.

“Man, stop it! They’re delicious and they’re mine.” He huffed.

“C’mon, friends share! I’m carrying your coins right now, they’re heavy.” You pouted, letting go of his hand.

“Hey!” He exclaimed, clutching your hand again. “You’re gonna run off!”

“I’m not! I promise…” you mumbled, still a little irritated with him.

“Fine, you can eat my ice cream.” He huffed, rolling his eyes.

You smiled, welcoming his hand within yours again. “Thanks!”

He rolled his eyes, but gave you a small smile anyway. He wasn’t really mad, and he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why.

He had always been somewhat of a spoiled baby; his parents did everything for him, and he didn’t necessarily have to share with anyone else, considering both of his siblings were over ten years older than him.

To put it short, he wasn’t used to sharing. Yet.

But he wasn’t very mad at the idea of sharing with you. In fact, it made him feel all giddy and fluttery inside.

“Do they have prizes at the arcade…? Like candy?” You asked, looking up at the light blue sky with thin, stringy looking clouds.

“Yeah, of course.” He nodded, though he suddenly paused. “Wait.”

You paused with him, stumbling over your steps a little before looking at him. “What?” You whispered, looking around frantically.

“We’re too early. It doesn’t open until 11.” He sighed, staring at the large, blocky looking building covered in what would be neon lights over in the distance.

“Really, Joost! You showed up at 6 in the morning just to say we can’t go!” You huffed.

“We can still go! We just have to go later…”He sighed, turning around and setting off in the direction of the woods. “I’m sorry…but we can still go climb trees.” He reassured. “We’ll be back later.”

You sighed, but gave a small shrug. Loud arcades weren’t really your scene anyway, so the change wasn’t unwelcome.

This time around, you actually knew where you were going. The wooded, quiet, little forest was somewhere you went almost every single day, hand in hand together as you helped him climb up each branch. So you knew the area and how to get there.

He wasn’t good at climbing, that’s for sure, but he seemed to love doing it anyway. With help, of course.

“You wanna start a fire when we get there? We can use stones to keep it in a circle…” He offered.

“Why would we need a fire?” You asked, tilting your head to the side in confusion. “It’s already hot!”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I thought it’d be nice for marshmallows, but we don’t have marshmallows.” 

“You’re so strange.” You tittered, following him into the green and brown paths of trees and slumping down in front of a large downy birch tree.

“I’m not strange, I just think out of the box.” He giggled, nodding subtly.

“Yes. That’s very you.” You smiled, nodding in agreement as well.

You chattered back and forth, talking about anything and everything your small minds could think about.

Winning the lottery, the bugs on the trees, ABBA, and overall life.

“I think when I grow up I wanna take care of animals…” you murmured, tearing up a piece of leaf gently, piece by piece.

“I wanna be on Eurovision!” He beamed, not even having to think about it at all.

“I’m gonna be on Eurovision, with a lot of music, and be rich! Then I’ll get married, and have 5 dogs!” Joost assured, drawing nonsensical shapes in the dirt with a random little stick.

You nodded, slowly bringing your hands to a stop on your leaf.

“I wanna get married…and I wanna wear a big long dress. And I’m not sure about dogs, I think I want a bunny…” you muttered, daydreaming about the absolute ball gown you’d wear if you ever got married.

“Bunnies are very cute.” He nodded, dropping his stick and bringing his knees to his chest and his arms on top of his knees.

You followed suit shortly after, deciding to wrap your arms around your legs instead.

“Who do you wanna marry?” He asked, tilting his head and letting his semi-long blonde bangs hang off to the side.

“I’m not sure…” you murmured, not having actually spent a lot of time thinking about the topic.

“If it could be anyone in the world, probably Nathaniel Motte…” you shrugged. “Or Leonardo DiCaprio.”

“Ew, Leo?” He giggled. “Who even is Nathaniel anyway?” He surveyed, fighting back giggles.

“That guy from that new song! Y’know! Shush girl, shut ya lips! Dooooo the Hellen Keller, and talk with ya hips!” You sang, giggling wildly. “It just came out like this April.”

“Oohhhhh, them. Three-oh-or-something,” he nodded. “That guys ugly.”

“He is not! He’s tall, and has long hair, and he’s very handsome to me.” You snickered, sensing the warmth on your face.

Joost side eyed you, furrowing his brows in slight concern before standing up abruptly.

“I’m tall! See?” He stated, standing up as straight as possible and flipping his hair out of his face. “And I have long hair!” He added, placing his fists on his hips smugly.

“Would you marry meeee?” He asked, grinning at you boyishly.

You stared at him, giggling at his antics quietly before he pulled you up on your feet, holding you in the air from under your shoulders like always.

You yelped quietly, dangling your ankles above ground as you held his wrists gently. “Joost!” You whisper-yelled, staring in his eyes of melancholy. “Put me down!”

“No! Not until you answer me!” He laughed defiantly, holding you up as high as his arms would allow.

He looked so much different from this angle. You had always seen him from below, but now that you were up above him, you could see his face in the pale yellow contours of the sunlight.

A baby angel held you up in their soft hands, helping you learn your new wings of emotion as you held that blind faith that he wouldn’t lead you astray.

That halo of platinum framed the sides of his face, tilting just above his eyes as he struggled to keep it from blinding him 24/7. You knew that there had to be someone resting upstairs in that moment, because if divinity didn’t exist, then why was he so divine?

“I—…I dunno? Maybe?” You squeaked, giving him an upside-down grin.

“It’s yes or no!” He chuckled, shaking you gently as he kept your head in the clouds.

“Uh…yes..?” You hesitated, nodding slowly.

“Good.” He beamed, putting you safely back down on the ground.

If you could find your mind, you’d be scouring the entirety of the woods for what you seemed to have lost just a second ago.

“I’d marry you too.” He giggled, holding your hand and pretending to put a little ring on your finger…on the wrong hand.

How cute.

“I dunno, I think being married sounds fun…but it’s also scary. What if we get tired of each other?” You murmured, hand still interlocked with Joost’s as he listened to you carefully.

“Well, we’ve known each other for a while right? Are you tired of me?” He asked, flipping his hair out of his face, AGAIN.

“No…” you whispered.

“Well then think of it that way!” He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling with joy and life.

You nodded, fidgeting with his fingers as he watched you silently.

“You’re really pretty…” he blurted, going pink in the nose, as he tilted his head to the side.

You veered your head up, glancing right through him through your lashes. “Thanks…” you nodded, avoiding his eyes totally as you suddenly became—afraid? Of his presence.

Your mind, body, and soul told you to run away; to clutch the soft ivory of your bag and flee to safety and cower under your blankets. But your heart clenched and twisted, writhing in fluttery agony as you smiled at him.

Your stomach felt like you hadn’t eaten in years; sick threatening to spill from your pores and out into the world around you. Maybe then it’d take form and clarify your thoughts, tell you how terrible of a friend you were for even feeling this way.

Little did you know, you would spend the rest of your life bunking with this dormant feeling of lovelorn anguish.

You leaned up, pecking the side of Joost’s cheek gently and smiling at him softly.

Joost froze, staring at you wide wide eyes before placing his hand on his cheek, giggling breathlessly. He went red with adoration as it lit him on fire and burned him from outside-in.

In the same way you felt sick and afraid of your own heart and mind, Joost had never been more fearful in his life. Doubt swirled with sentiment and tangled in his hair, knots traveling down his throat and stinging his tongue with paralysis.

He couldn’t move or speak. Not in the way he wanted to, anyway.

If he could record this moment in his mind and replay it over and over again, he’d put several blockbusters out of business.

“Uh…Dankje…” he sputtered, staring down at the ground.

“Oh—! I…I’m sorry…?” You whispered, the heat of embarrassment clouding your mind.

“Nee, Nee, it’s alright!” He assured, scrambling to think of how to let you know he wasn’t off-put.

Without even thinking about it, he pecked his rosy lips against yours, strangling his anxiety head on.

Great. Now you were BOTH confused!

You stared at each other, wide eyed and dazed. You could see the galaxies and cosmos in each other’s eyes, and for a brief moment in time, you could see the lacy white fabric of a wedding dress trailing down the blue carpet of a church walkway.

A few beats of silence passed as you absentmindedly kicked up some dust from the dirt floor, trying to avoid his attention as much as possible.

“I think we should probably go do something…” Joost whispered, quickly backing away, but not letting go of your hand as he led you back out of the forest without another word.

You wanted to protest, to stand in the shrubbed forest. All you wanted to do was swim in the waves of confusion and let them crash over your head; allowing the cool tide to extinguish the fire that scorched the two of you.

But the pair of you stayed with both feet on the ground, silent and stupefied.

And oh my, it stayed that way for a long. long. LONG. time.

And things faded back into normality, with the help of Joost’s hands and words threading the pieces of your friendship back into its usual pattern. But there was no denying the bright shade of pink that would stain the soft cotton of your history.

Three years went by, and you were finally able to call yourself a teenager. You and Joost had turned fourteen, and winter break left all the time in the world for you to be back in close proximity.

You darted up the stairs, tripping over your own feet a couple of times as you completely banged into wall after wall, railing after railing. Normally you would NEVER catch yourself being this energetic, but this was too important.

“JOJO! JOJO, HURRY UP! OPEN YOUR DOOR!” You exclaimed, knocking in the door as fast as your wrist would allow. 

“Hold on! Let me at least tie my pants!” He called back, tugging on his shirt over his mop of blonde hair, fucking it up entirely. He tugged his sweatpants up a little higher, afraid that a little of his stomach would taint your innocent eyes.

He tied the string tight, leaving no room for them to slip or even move. Because having to tug your pants up constantly is borderline embarrassing.

He stumbled over to his door, swinging it open to reveal you, who was practically vibrating with energy.

“MARIO KART 7 IS OUT!!” You hailed, holding up two twin chips delicately in your hands.

“REALLY?” He asked, eyebrows shooting up as he practically threw you in his room. “Wait! Wait wait wait let me get my DS!” he urged, flying to his desk to grab his Nintendo 3DS, powering it on quickly and crashing into his bed.

“Owww, FUCK!” He grunted, pressing a hand to the top of his head, but not once stopping in his journey to get comfortable.

You laughed, pointing at him very clearly as you kicked his door shut with your ankle and joined him on his bed, sliding your DS out of your pocket and the game chip into the cartridge.

Joost had reached that stage of life where he was just…lanky. His arms were almost concerningly long, and it seemed like he was getting about an inch taller a day. While your legs had completely enough room, one of his nearly dangled off the edge thanks to his horizontal position.

“Dude why’re you so…long.” You frowned, leaning your back against the wall next to his bed.

“I don’t know! I can’t control it.” He murmured, popping the other chip in his DS as well and diving into the world of pixelated street racing.

“OH MY GOD YOU SUCK!” You shouted, frowning deeply as you lost match after match. Time flew by, your bickering bouncing off the walls and spilling through into the hallway.

You stayed over at his place for the night, genuinely contemplating getting into a fistfight with him over Mario Kart. It was that serious, absolutely.

“YOUUUUU, AND YOUR STUPID BLUE SHELL!” You shouted, pointing a finger nearly inches away from his face. 

“THE FIRST TIME I EVER HEAR YOU YELL, AND IT'S ABOUT A SHELL?” He started, immediately standing up on his bed.

“YEAH! YOU SUCK!” You exclaimed, immediately standing up with him.

He laughed, putting his hands on his knees and bending slightly just so he could stare you in your eyes.

“Speak up, I can’t hear you from up here.” He taunted, cupping his hand behind his ear teasingly.

You glared at him, giving him the most unamused, tired expression of your life.

“Awww, the baby sleepy!” He cooed, his voice dipped in deep condescension. “You sleepy? Yeah, I think you’re tired.” He nodded, a smug grin on his stupid lips.

He picked you up, sweeping you off of your feet and keeping his hand behind your back, supporting you like a literal baby.

“What is even happening.” You stated, not even sure of how to be angry anymore as he cradled you, shushing you entirely.

“Sleep.” He nodded, dropping you suddenly back down on his bed before laying down beside you.

“Don’t do that! You scared me!” You muttered, sucking your teeth before hitting the back of his shoulder. 

He snickered, reaching his arm to fake-fight you back. “Just get better.” He said, rolling his eyes and turning around to face you.

You smiled, giggling at his face quietly for no particular reason.

He smiled back at you, waving at you sheepishly as you both struggled to cope with this newfound proximity.

Yeah you were close, but not sleep in the same bed face-to-face close.

“Hi.” You beamed, waving back.

“You wanna go to the woods tomorrow..? The one we went to when we were kids?” He asked, fighting the bright red that kissed the apples of his cheeks.

You quickly avoided his gaze, looking everywhere but him as your eyes widened ever so slightly.

It’s impossible to forget your first kiss, so the idea of forgetting the location was blasphemous.

It all came trickling back to you like soft rain; the strange feeling that you now knew to be love that took you by surprise, the guilt you felt for the next few months following, the way he didn’t let your hand go for even a second despite everything that happened. All of it.

“Uhh…sure.” You nodded.

He was thinking about it too. You could tell. You could almost see little you taunting yourself behind the black void of his pupils, standing there like a deer in headlights as she stared down at the ground.

“Okay.” He nodded, flipping himself back around to get some semblance of sleep.

You paused, debating on whether or not you wanted to be a civilized person and not punch him in the spine. Instead, you wrapped your arms around his torso and leaned your face against his back.

You’d come to learn what spooning is a little bit later, but that’s not the point.

“Goodnight, Joost.” 

“Goodnight.” He yawned, holding your hand that rested just below his ribs.

——————

You woke up a little bit earlier than Joost, earning yourself just a few minutes of solitude. You stretched, the early morning adrenaline rushing through your muscles before finally exhaling from your body as you took a deep breath.

No sooner than you put your arms down, Joost arose from his mountain of blankets and stretched as well.

“Good morning…” he rasped, cracking his knuckles and resting his hands  in the little valley his lanky legs created in the blanket.

“Hi…” you sighed in response, attempting to rub away the insomnia from your eyes as you waited for your vision to clear.

“Can I use your shower…” you breathed, resisting the urge to fold over and back to sleep again. “And borrow some clothes…”

“Yeah they’re…in the dresser over there.” He nodded, pointing at his black dresser.

“I don’t wanna move, can you get them…” you groaned.

“Absolutely not.” He huffed.

“You suck.”

“Mhm, whatever you say.” 

You rolled your eyes before rolling over him, flopping on the ground and making your way to his dresser,  pulling out some black jean shorts and a blue zip-up hoodie that would definitely pool around your wrists

Anyway, you made your way to the bathroom as you actually thought for a bit. Why is it that it’s a wife beater for men, but a tank top for women? Why wife beater, I mean, the implication is…kinda bad.

Your shower was warm and thoughtful, the soapy suds aiding in your battle against sleep as you scrubbed away the fingerprints of guilt and nausea. 

In the rare moments where you weren’t sharing oxygen with Joost, you felt a little bit better. The pit in your stomach wasn’t as endless, and time wasn’t so slow.

Maybe you were too close. Maybe being together meant you were breathing in the carbon he created. Maybe that’s why you felt so light and airy around him.

Anyway, you switched the shower off, drying yourself off quickly before putting on your outfit. Technically Joost’s, but ok.

Once you were dressed and clean, you searched around the bathroom for some lotion, which you found standing at the far end of his sink.

You lathered yourself in the pale white moisture, fighting off the dry patches of skin that had formed after your shower before stepping out a little later, tossing the towel in his clothing hamper and giving him a thumbs up.

“All done. You can go now.” You murmured, lying down on his fuzzy baby-beige floor and staring up at the ceiling.

Joost nodded, grabbing his things and making his way to the shower as well.

It seemed like everything hit everyone all at once, and things started to fade into view as Joost stepped into the glassy box of thoughts and fog.

You being at the forefront of his mind all the time was almost annoying—in a “you shouldn’t be here this much” kind of way.

The more you spent time together, the more his brain rotted with your memory. Your face, your interests, your habits, all of it.

He even found himself daydreaming about you frequently, interrupting his homework and train of thought. “Oh, I wonder what she’s doing right now…maybe sitting outside.” “She would really like these flowers.”

He sighed, rolling his eyes before blushing a little, a fond smile creeping up his face.

He turned off the lukewarm water, shaking his hair free of any excess droplets and drying himself off.

He put on a little cyan T-shirt and his dark blue jean shorts. And, just for good measure, he threw on a black baseball cap with a white rim that he had turned backwards.

He reunited with you on the fuzzy floor, instantly trying to access your mind and see what made you so quiet. Well, you were always quiet. But quieter, maybe.

“What’s with you?” He asked, staring up at the plastered ceiling, envisioning the many pale and puffy clouds of powder blue.

“Nothing…just thinking,” you sighed, letting Joost lace your fingers between his and hoist you off the carpet. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, grabbing his DS and stuffing it in his back pocket. 

“Eh, maybe later” you shrugged, grabbing your things from Joost’s room and following him out of his home.

Joost nodded, trekking along the sidewalk with heavy steps. He held your hand securely, the quiet flip-flop-flip-flop of your sandals pressing against the pavement pushing him forward.

Silence wasn’t really rare between you now. It wasn’t awkward, but it was heavy. It was the kind of silence where you know one is waiting for the other to say something.

And you had a LOT to say to Joost after these many years.

As more and more trees came into view, memories poured into your brain against your will. All it did was burn your face with red hot embarrassment, and you didn’t know what to do.

“You remember when we came here before and tried to make a time capsule?” Joost said, cutting through the heavy silence.

“With your sock and a game chip you chickened out of burying?” You giggled, shooting him a nostalgic glare.

“Yeah, and your little flower hair clips” he smiled.

You nodded, immediately recalling the little click-and-close capsule containing your childhood treasures. You spent about 30 seconds digging with a cheap shovel, immediately growing bored with the physical labor and not wanting to part with your precious valuables.

“We can make another one, if you want,” you nodded. “We’ll actually commit to it this time.”

Joost smiled, swinging his hand with yours as he stopped in front of that familiar tree. 

“Nah, it’s okay. I don’t wanna bury anything else again” he stated nonchalantly.

“JOOST!” You gasped, going cold in the face as his little joke hit you like a brick.

“Too soon?” He murmured, fighting back a little smirk.

“WAY. Too soon” you sighed, gently setting yourself down on the ground with the insistent— but polite, guidance of Joost.

He leaned his head on your shoulder, his little angel blonde locks pillowing against your neck and kissing your gentle skin.

“Don’t be mad at me,” he mused, crossing his big blue skies slightly as he glanced up at you. “I’ll cry and then it will be your fault.”

“Hush, you’re acting like a big baby” you chuckled, leaning your head against his.

He giggled alongside you, rolling his eyes as flamboyantly as he naturally could.

“I literally spent…about nine summers wiping your tears whenever you cried from some stupid leg injury” he chided, glancing at the permanent little scrapes you had garnered on your kneecaps from your lack of prudence.

“Listen…after like 9 years you’d assume I’d be used to it but it still hurts,” you sighed with a breathy chortle. “But my knees are like…sensitive, I dunno.”

He rolled his eyes for the millionth time that day, gently tracing little shapes on your kneecaps as he let the sounds of nature and distant wind-chimes fill the air.

You hummed quietly—no song in particular—as you stared up at the sun-streaked trees and leaves above. 

“Sooo…” Joost started, startling you a bit as he suddenly straightened his usually alarming posture.

“Do you want to talk about it…?” He hesitated, avoiding your eyes for the first time in years.

You froze, immediately fighting off the urge to just burst into tears then and there. It wasn’t exactly as embarrassing as it was confusing, but when in doubt,

Just cry it out.

“Uhh…” you began, furrowing your brows slightly as you threaded your hands in your hair and embraced the tangles that fought against you. “No, not really…”

Joost frowned subtly, giving you an understanding nod before doing the exact opposite in typical Joost fashion.

“I’m not mad at it…I just want to make sure that I didn’t freak you out or anything. It was kind of sudden” he nodded, his grip on your hand tightening ever-so-slightly.

“Looking back I think I was just confused…but I wasn’t mad or put off” you shrugged. “You did take my first kiss though, so you suck for that.”

Joost laughed loudly, furrowing his brows with whole-hearted amusement. 

“I was kind of expecting you to say I was weird and gross, but you’re worried about some dumb first kiss. You were mine, too!” He giggled.

“Joost, best friends don’t casually kiss under trees” you sighed, rolling your eyes just like he would.

“We’re different,” he shrugged. “Too much time and history to question it” he smiled.

“Joost, you can’t—“

“Nope! It’s normal now” he beamed.

“Ooooookay…” you nodded with slightly arched brows.

“So what does that mean for us exactly?” You asked, finally bringing your eyes to him after what felt like forever. “You’re still my best friend right?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t I? I just don’t want you to feel like I’m uncomfortable or you have to be uncomfortable. What happened, happened and we were silly kids” he shrugged.

It was weird. He almost had a philosophical approach to saying “we were just kids.” As much as you wanted to laugh at him and call him corny for not just saying that, you felt incredibly giddy that he was doing his best to make sure you knew things wouldn’t change between the two of you.

But that didn’t make it a good thing.

You loved Joost. You had come to realize that at a quite embarrassing time. But it was hard not to love someone when all you ever did was share, share, share and cuddle, cuddle, cuddle.

You had stepped through most of elementary, junior high, and now high school alongside him. He’s all you’d grown to know and all you had learned to love.

Other boys were growing into their ugly personalities and even uglier words, aiming their sharp daggers down the throat of any girl they could just to say they drew a woman’s first blood. It sickened you.

But Joost fortunately didn’t do any of that. He’s always had a soft influence in his life, be it you, his sister, or his mother.

But you had your closure, so everything felt a little bit better. Affection was now even more common between the two of you, even going as far as practically LIVING in the other's skin in the following years.

Joost had always been touchy, but now the boy was practically sleeping on top of you when you stayed over. And contrary to his skinny form, dear god that boy is heavy.

“Joost…Joost c’mon, get up I can’t breathe—“ you winced, eyes barely even open as your pupils burned with insomnia.

“Mmmphf…” is all he grunted, his arms firmly wrapped around your neck and forehead in a nice and snug headlock.

“Get up, fucker…” you grogged, pinching the bare skin of his arm. 

“It’s hot, you don’t understand that you’re heavy, and you barely have a shirt on anymore, c’mon get up…” you rasped, relishing in the girly yelp of pain you had earned from the blonde.

He groaned, rolling his eyes like he always did before wrapping his slightly toned arms around your hips, rolling you over WITH him so you could face the cheap rickety fan that was mere centimeters away from his bed.

“Joost, get up and move!” You huffed quietly.

“Nee.”

“Move, you bastard…”

“Nee.” He groaned, barely cracking his eyes open and shooting you a glare.

You turned around slightly, craning your neck to the left to stare at him.

“Joost, c’mon…”

“Nee!!” He whined, completely throwing away the fact that he was a 16 year old young man who was now whining like a child.

Instead of debating with you anymore, he pecked your lips before grabbing your whole face and repositioning you to face the fan.

You sighed, rolling your eyes and smiling softly to yourself. 

“Goodnight, Joost.”

“Shut up and go to bed…”

[m3vl0vesu]

I promised to try.2

A/N: What! Me? Writing fluff? A scandal!! Well here's part two of I promised to try, kept it nice and short this time because yup.

part 1

“In and out, just like how I taught you.”

.

.

. A heavy hand squeezed your shoulder, you knew that voice. He came, of course he did. For some reason his stoic presence calms you down, and it was embarrassing. So embarrassing how he’d seen you this weak so many times. You were sure that he looked down on you.

“Do you want me to take down the clock?”

That was an obvious yes, it just made you feel ashamed that it still triggered you. You thought that you had it under control, clearly not. Hey-at least this was an excuse to go shopping. Plus, who needs clocks, phones tell the time! 

“Miss…” he sighed. Great now you’ve disappointed him, a long silence followed before he spoke again. “Come on, I have just the thing that’ll lift your spirits.”

Oh. Okay, that was a better response than what you were thinking. Since you needed some light you followed him, following the familiar steps to the kitchen. A sweet aroma filled the room, something warm but your happiness was quickly wrong. “Alfred. Someone else is in here-” The lights clicked on, the ‘someone’ was actually light eyes. Something you started calling him, in all honesty you thought they would glow in the dark. Pretty sure they did once.

They came back pretty early, it was only 3 am. Tim sat on the kitchen island, holding a cup of hot cocoa, his nose red and runny. He was muttering something, it sounded funny since his voice was all nasally. He was an odd kid. “Hey Tim, what's wrong?” A small smirk on your face as you looked at him, he didn’t respond but Alfred did. “Master Tim here didn’t go on patrol tonight.” “And it’s not fair! You're not out there either, so Bruce could definitely…” 

He continued on his rants, they were getting easier to tune out. You looked at Alfred, it didn’t make sense in you. “Yes Miss.. Bruce didn’t allow Tim on Patrol.” His smile was soft, there was a mutual understanding between you. Bruce had listened to you, he had cared. At least this once, Alfred was right; it did lift your spirits, just a little. Maybe he was going to change, maybe he was going to come back, or maybe this was a one off thing. You didn’t know anymore, but Tim was still upset. 

Even though you were glad that he stayed home the manor he had a good reason to be upset, his worries were actual worries. “Hey, light eyes…” you were going to tell him it wasn’t his job, you wanted to comfort him but you also knew how the words would just phase through him, “you should add marshmallows to that.” Looking at Alfred, who already had the marshmallows in hand, you sat next to him. “Here.” The way his eyes lit up at the sight of them made you giggle, he really was just a kid. After you over loaded his hot cocoa with marshmallows and whipped cream Alfred gave you your own. Which became too sweet after you turned your back towards the thirteen year old. It reminded you of those nights, when it had been a particular bad fight with some villain.

Dick, Jason and you would sneak into the kitchen and make nonsense concoctions, your favourite would be the mug-cakes. Boy did that take a lot of trial and error…

Looking at the now sleeping Tim, you realised something. You don’t want him to be Jason, not like anyone could be Jason, but you want him to be your brother, you want to make new memories with him. While also enjoying the old ones. 

.

.

.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

A Healing Kiss

This fic will cover my "Let me kiss it better." square on my 2nd @jacklesversebingo card. The prompt will be in bold.

Summary: Y/N causes Dean a bit of damage. Can she fix it with a...kiss?

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Just a little bit of smutty goodness. Blowjob. slight handjob. Oral (m receiving). Implied oral (f receiving). Crack if you squint.

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,968

A/N: Here is the next request for my second @jacklesversebingo card. It came from @suckitands33 :

Oh I’d love ‘let me kiss it better’ how about along the lines of flirting Dean and reader. Nothing actually happening though then reader hurts Dean in the dick and balls by mistake and says that ‘line’ and dean thinks she’s joking but she follows through with it. Love a bit of mutual pining then they give in to their desires. 🙏🏼

The pining ended up being a bit more from the reader's POV, but there's a hint that Dean's in the same mindset. Hope you enjoy it, hon! Hope everyone enjoys it! If you do, please don't forget to reblog, comment and/or like. I so appreciate it! ❤️

The beautiful dividers are created by @talesmaniac89 .

“Shit! Shit! I'm so sorry!”

Y/N winced as Dean just groaned out his pain and rolled into the fetal position. 

“Dean! I'm so sorry!” She repeated, kneeling beside him, hands running up and down his sweaty bicep. “I just stumbled, I was aiming for your thigh.”

She grimaced again as she remembered the powerful kick she'd delivered, intending to connect with his meaty thigh, a move he could have blocked, or taken easily. They were training and Dean was on the attack, she was on the defense. But she’d just lost her center of gravity for a half second as she shot her foot out and she stumbled, landing the blow to a much more sensitive area.

Dean just waved at her as he sucked in deep breaths. She wasn’t sure if he was telling her it was okay, or telling her to get lost. Eventually he pulled himself up and disappeared into the bathroom. She thought he might be checking for permanent damage. She grabbed the bucket and filled it with ice from the machine just outside their room.

She knocked on the door of the bathroom. “Dean? I have some ice for you.”

The door opened a crack, but only Dean’s big hand stuck out, reaching for the bucket. He groped in the air for a minute until she grabbed his wrist and set the bucket on his palm. It disappeared back inside and the lock clicked. 

She sighed and flopped down on her bed. This was definitely not how she’d wanted this evening to go.

This was only the third time she’d been out hunting with the Winchesters; there was a lull in the case and they had to wait until the next day to interview a couple of witnesses to what they were fairly certain was a demon possession. So Sam was off with the pretty librarian they’d met earlier, and had texted Dean not to wait up. 

So it was just the two of them in the motel. This was the first time they'd ever been completely alone for any length of time and Y/N was feeling the tension. She felt as though there had always been a bit of something between them, just a spark that sprang to life sometimes, a touch here and there that felt like it could be much more if they allowed it.

Or at least, she thought there was a spark. She was a tiny bit worried she'd become delusional because of how badly she wanted the green-eyed hunter. So when Dean had suggested they spend their evening getting in some training, Y/N had jumped at the chance, hoping he was suggesting it as a way for them to get close - and physical. 

She did her best to be at least a little subtle in her excitement over the prospect of sweaty, hand to hand grappling with the hottest fucking man she’d ever known. Since they’d met less than a year before she hadn’t been able to get him out of her head. She was crossing every finger she had that this evening would lead to something she’d been craving for a very long time.

Everything Dean did was sexy, every part of him made her melt - his thick, solid, hunter’s body, long and powerful and begging to be taken for a ride. His deep, rumbling voice, like a shot of strong whiskey, always made her shiver. His eyes and the way they held secrets and promises in equal measure within their mossy green depths. And that mouth - Jesus, it should be illegal for a man to have a mouth that pretty.

He was basically walking temptation and she desperately wanted to give in. 

But now, instead of using their physical closeness and panting exertion to finally get him naked, she’d probably made it impossible for him to have children. She clapped her hands to her face and tried not to scream.

Finally, ten minutes later, Dean came out of the bathroom. Y/N sat up as he set the bucket of melting ice onto the counter beside the coffee maker. She scrunched up her face in sympathy. 

“I’m really sorry.”

But Dean just shook his head and fell onto his bed. “Nah, it’s fine, sweetheart. I’ll live. But you should definitely use that kick on a bad guy; he’ll be down and out like that.” He said with a snap of his fingers.

Y/N bit her lip. “Good to know.”

Dean folded his arms behind his head and grinned at her. “Where’d you learn that little ninja kick, by the way? It’s pretty badass.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s much more badass when I don’t stumble and miss my target.”

Dean chuckled. “Well, I will admit that wasn’t exactly how I was hoping our sparring session would end.”

Y/N’s stomach clenched. She licked her lips, eyes locked with his. “Really? How uh…how were you hoping it would end?”

Those wicked promises were back in his gaze as he shrugged and smirked. “I was hoping to win, of course.”

“Ah, of course.” Y/N said, trying to gauge his mood. Was this friendly flirting or something more real? “Sorry I nailed you in the nads instead.”

Dean chuckled again, a low rumble. “I feel like that apology wasn’t as sincere as the others.”

Trying hard not to think of the consequences if she was reading him wrong, Y/N got up to walk to his bed and sit down at his hip. “I’m sorry, Dean.” She said sincerely, but slightly breathless. “Let me kiss it better.”

Dean’s eyes widened and warmed. His tongue darted out and he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it for a moment before letting it go, leaving it plump and wet and enticing. He forced another small laugh and a smirk. “That’s funny, sweetheart.”

Y/N smiled and then moved her hand to his belt buckle, just resting it there. “And if I wasn’t joking?”

Dean breathed out roughly, his eyes downcast and staring at her hand. When they raised back to hers, the pupils were bleeding into his bright green irises. “Then I’d say, it will probably take more than a kiss to make it all better.”

Y/N’s grin became wicked as she worked at his belt with one hand. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Dean’s breathing picked up as she unzipped his jeans and reached her hand inside. She groaned along with him as she ran her hand over his underwear and along his incredible length. He was semi-hard already and so thick it made Y/N’s mouth water.

She tugged on his jeans and he lifted his hips to let her pull them off. She climbed onto the bed and straddled his bare legs before running her hands up his thighs. She dug her nails into the thick, meaty muscles there and Dean hissed.

She bent her head down and pushed his t-shirt up so she could lay wet, sucking kisses across his flat stomach. She lowered the waistband of his boxer briefs just a bit so she could bite into the taut v-shaped muscle that disappeared into his underwear, making Dean buck slightly beneath her.

He moved his hands from behind his head to grip the sheets in his big fists as Y/N slid down his body slightly so she could place a light kiss to the thick ridge straining against the black cotton.

“All better?” She teased. Dean huffed out a laugh and his voice was pure rasp as he answered.

“Not quite.”

She hummed and nodded. “Better get a closer look then.”

She slowly peeled his snug briefs down over his hips. He lifted for her again briefly and she freed his dick to slap against his lower abdomen. 

“Fuck me.” She said quietly as she took in the beauty of his perfectly marbled cock, long and thick and leaking.

“That's the idea, sweetheart.” Dean said with a breathy chuckle.

She leaned down to kiss the very tip, flicking her tongue into his slit and making his cock twitch. She moaned as she wrapped her hand around the base and couldn’t quite make her fingers touch. She began placing feather light kisses all along the shaft and she could feel it throb beneath her lips.

She pushed it flat against his stomach and swirled her tongue around each of his balls, earning a grunt and a ragged curse from Dean.

“Fuck Y/N, fuck.” He mumbled.

She mouthed her way up his shaft, teasing and tormenting him by occasionally scraping her teeth very gently over his velvety skin. Finally she closed her mouth tight around the tip pulling in her cheeks and sucking on him like a popsicle. He groaned deeply and her core muscles clenched painfully.

His left hand moved into her hair and he gave it a tug as she slid further down his length. “Yes, baby take it all, swallow me down.” He ground out between clenched teeth.

Y/N hummed her agreement and pushed down as far as she could, till he was touching the back of her throat. She dropped her jaw, and let go of the base of his dick so she could plant her hands on the mattress on either side of his hips and arch her neck so that she could take his whole cock, pressing her nose against his pelvic bone and letting him stretch her throat.

Dean’s hips bucked and she pulled all the way off of him, letting her spit and his cum keep them connected as she looked up the length of his body to watch him push his head back into the pillow and growl. His hand in her hair kept tugging and pulling as she began bobbing up and down on his cock. The slight sting spurred her on, and she moved faster and faster on him, letting him hit the back of her throat every time.

She pushed down hard on him and the spongy head of his cock slipped down her throat once again. She swallowed around him, and then sealed her lips tight and sucked hard as she pulled back up.

Dean pushed against her shoulders. “Fuck, I’m close, I’m gonna cum.”

Y/N gripped his dick in her hand again, pumping it a few times, before she opened her mouth wide and bounced his heavy cock against her tongue. Her saliva ran down his length, allowing her hand to glide over him smoothly as she kept milking him. Finally with a fierce yell, Dean gushed into her mouth and down her chin. 

She pumped him through his whole climax, licking and sucking on him as his hips stuttered and he finally fell back onto the mattress, spent and panting. Y/N cleaned him up with her tongue, making sure she got every drop.

As his breathing normalized and began to even out Dean grabbed her wrist and yanked her forward to fall across him. He brought her mouth to his and kissed her long and hard, not caring that he could taste himself on her lips. He rolled her over and pinned her beneath him before pushing to his knees and yanking his shirt off so he was completely naked. She was still fully dressed.

He tugged on her t-shirt. “Gotta do something about this.” He said as he pulled it off. 

Y/N giggled breathlessly and then gasped as he moved to unzip her jeans. “Does this mean my kiss worked?” She gasped. “Feeling all better now?”

Dean yanked down her jeans and panties with one tug and groaned as he saw how wet she already was. 

He nodded. “Yeah, much better, but now I’m starving.” He said with a grin before sinking down to feast.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 2.4

It's in the paper that Allen Klein was involved in 40+ lawsuits and John doesn't question it? At this point, I feel like he just didn't want to let Paul be right about anything. 

My question is who did that work on before? I mean who fucking does business like that? Let alone business with the most successful man in the world. 

John's complaining about Paul being too good at his job is both hilarious (what the hell is Paul supposed to do with that) and sad (it shows just how far their musical relationship has degraded from partners to rivals)

How did they lose Northern Songs? Genuinely, if anyone can break it down for me I'd be so grateful. Anyway I'm sure it was devastating for both of them. “Who'd have the children?” “Dick James”. 

I know I'm insane, but can I be allowed to see a glimmer of goodness here? I really do think it's John's kinder side winning out when he decides not to lie. Like, yes, he gets a buzz off of watching Paul go white at his words, but I think he also just – in that moment – didn't have the heart to trick Paul into staying. 

But also. Why are we trying to maneuver Paul at all if the end game is for John to leave? It just doesn't make sense to try to trick Paul into signing the contract unless John's divorce threat is at the very least not meant to be final. 

I will never understand this picture. Even in the emotional state he's in, he's still hamming it up? There is something seriously wrong with this man. 

I do find it interesting that the fact that Paul cried his eyes out after that meeting isn't even mentioned in the doc. I wonder why. 

Let's put the bizarre, super-warped timeline in this quote aside for a minute. Apparently the depression started after Brian died and it lasted for about two years and John was still in it during Pepper. Okay. That aside . . .

I have to assume this negative lense on what I can only assume means the period between 66 and 68 is highly influenced by hindsight bias. I agree that John was depressed at the time, in an unhappy marriage, doing too much LSD, etc and that looking at Paul's prolific talent and expansive , fast-paced life would have been maddening. But everyone go back to the end of part one really quick. He looks extremely happy. He sounds extremely happy. Everyone who knows him says he's never been happier. I think he just can't accept right now that there was so much good and he's lost it. 

“I look from the wings at the play you are staging . . . I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love.”

Insanity quote Hall of Fame. Paul explaining why the Beatles just had to break up, obviously, because he and John "didn't marry the same girl." Someone write the fic where John and Paul both marry the same girl. Could be Yoko or Linda. Sister trad wives au. 

Okay, cool, so this means I have full permission to interpret and tin hat about any lyrics I want then, right?

But also. Are we just not going to talk about the fact that Paul dumped a bucket of garbage water and punched this person? And are we not mentioning the depression and alcoholism and heroin abuse during this time?

It's so embarrassing how he looks to her for confirmation here. John, they asked you what you think. Just you. Not some complicated definition. Not Yoko's definition. Just your own thoughts.

“I couldn't wait for them to make up their mind about peace or whatever. About committing themselves.” Yeah, John. You sound real committed to peace. Or whatever. Here's a theory that anyone can shoot down if they want: John asked Paul for some kind of commitment (a friendship wedding, a partnership contract, a mutual wanking pledge) in India and Paul was a chicken about it. 

What was that day like, I wonder? I imagine extremely stiff and professional and horrid. But who knows. Maybe it was nice, and maybe that made everything worse.

I will go to my death believing that instant karma was for Paul. 

Do we think John actually did send Paul “about twenty postcards from Denmark” all covered in hearts none of which Paul responded to? Paul could be just as cruel in his lack of reaction as John was in his over reaction.

I'm sorry but that is not what a man says when he's just lying to the press to buy time for business. That's what a man says to the press when he's trying desperately to communicate with someone who he can't get through to any other way. 

But really, I just don't understand why the creator chose to minimize Paul's emotional response to John's divorce statement. If we don't see him bawling his eyes out and losing the will to live, he comes off like a self-assured, uncaring, jerk. Which. To be fair. John didn't see those things, and that is exactly what John thought of Paul during this time. But still. The audience now comes away from this doc with a skewed view. 

All we get is Paul being pissed off about Phil Spector butchering Let it Be without his consent and John and George trying to change McCartney's release date without his consent. Which are both a) understandable and b) strong, male, angry reactions. Making this section portray Paul in the same one-dimensional hyper-masculine way that John so often is. Which isn't my favorite. But hey, it's my only complaint about this doc so far.

Anyway, update: I won't be able to do part three until it gets reuploaded, so we're on hiatus for this project for the time being.

[batnbreakfast]

Okay I'm so curious because I see you posting about it all the time but I never know what is *actually* going on.

What does the zoom booze no doom thing entail? What are the rules? What is the origin story? Can anyone join?

I love when newer mutuals finally ask about Zoom. 😄

So my main and OTP fandom is Berena - Bernie Wolfe & Serena Campbell in the great *giggles* British hospital soap series Holby City.

Zoom, Booze, no Doom was born as an idea to actually watch Berena scenes together. At the end of 2019 this started as a bit of idle talk about how to actually do this, but you know : time zones, private lives, and so on…

Until, at the start of 2020, we suddenly all had nothing much more to do, but sit at home, watch tv, and worry about Covid.

So in April 2020 a weekly Berena Zoom rewatch started, hosted by a fandom friend. Everyone was welcome to join in. We skipped the doom scenes, which is how the name of our Zoom was born, because there was enough doom for everyone in real life, and finished our rewatch around the end of June, if I remember correctly.

The Zoom was fun! It was great to meet fandom friends at least virtually. It was a space to talk and vent and scream about our beloved on our screens. For me, it was something solid in uncertain times.

After we finished the rewatch, I didn’t want to stop zooming, so I took over as the host. We watched all kinds of media with our favs. The good, the mediocre, and the very, very bad things. We branched out. We had Halloween Zooms and Christmas Zooms. Bat’s belated birthday Zoom. Anniversary Zooms. ESC Zooms and live watch Zooms when Doctor Who or Silent Witness aired.

Covid restrictions became less and less, real life took over more space again, I started working and travelling again, but we’re still meeting up whenever I’m home (and not sick *sighs*).

We chat about our lives - there’s definitely more to tell nowadays - then we watch something together, then we chat some more, and at some point I kick everyone out of the Zoom because I’m getting tired. 😄

Some of us have been doing this since the very first Zoom. Some left, some joined in. Some take part whenever their busy life allows. A lot of us met in real life by now. We’re friends. Some of us went to the theatre together as a group from all over the world. While we all seem to suffer from severe writer’s block somehow these days, while Holby City has stopped airing for quite a while, we still hold on to our tiny, close knitted fandom corner. I feel like the Zoom changed our approach towards our fandom quite a bit.

I wouldn’t have thought that we’d make our first anniversary, but now it seems like we might reach our fifth? Five years, huh. Amazing. I love everyone taking part in this and I’m deeply grateful for the friendships grown from the Zoom.

I’ll stop being soppy now.

The rules are quite simple: Be kind. Bring joy. An interest in whatever we’re watching. A love for Berena and their actresses is a good thing.

If someone joins in for the first time, it’s nice if they chose a Zoom name that’s connected to their Tumblr, so we know who they are. Letting me know in advance is appreciated, because I tend to get anxiety if a new name pops up unexpectedly. 😌

Hope this answers your questions!

PS: I tend to avoid Zoom posts breaking containment these days (my nightmare was a containment break for a Doctor Who live watch 😂 - there’s only so many people I can host), so reblogs are off on this one.

[miwiheroes]

Hi welcome to miwiheroes <3

*australian accent* 'Ello this is Eli, president of miwiheroes club and I realised I never made an intro post, also this is a little masterpost where you can find all the analysis/ byler rambling posts without having to scrolls through my account :D

I'm 18 years old

Not very active at the moment because I have just started university

he/him

I may look like an aggressively straight man but no one knows i'm actually hyperfixated on shipping two queer guys from a sci-fi netflix show

I'm a capricorn, infp, bisexual and trans ftm

i'm in quite a few fandoms but rn im hyperfixated on byler so... i'm also into the grishaverse fandom, arcane, bbc ghosts, dan and phil, + marauders

i'm from england

my spotify is 'figflower' and: Here are my byler playlists!!

i never used to write analysis on film but thx byler tumblr because i've been missing out

if you were wondering, my favourite characters from stranger things are (in this order): will, mike, hopper and el <3 okay see ya

MY ANALYSES:

(i will update these as i make them. my more massive analyses are highlighted in blue)

Mike Wheeler's Promise

Will's 'I'm not gonna fall in love' is a bigger proof than you think

Confirmation that Mike jumping into the quarry was about Will

Milkvan's conflict, Byler, and the concept of understanding

Byler and the insane amount of Closet Imagery

Season 1 Mike is extremely queer-coded

The most important 'Will Voice' scene

Mike's bedroom is insane

FULL airport scene analysis Season 4

What if Mike's gay from the beginning of S5 like Will in S4?

You're not delusional: What I noticed when I wasn't a byler

Thinking about the monologue…

Mike is clearly thinking about Will in the Snow Ball scene

Light is symbolic for truth = byler endgame

MY FICS:

My AO3 Account: miwiheroes

vibrant days (caution to the breeze) - 3 chapters

Mike and Will's relationship has been secret for 2 months. Neither of them want to bring it up, but things build and build until it becomes more of a burden than just a little mutual understanding. Will's growing up (and getting drunk) and it's impossible for Mike to stay in the same place forever, with words always on the tip of his tongue.

aka mike and will are hiding their relationship and avoid talking about hard subjects

is my timing that flawed? - 2 chapters

In the aftermath of a harrowing escape from the Upside Down, Mike and Will grapple with physical and emotional wounds. Faced with Will's new plan and doubt of what's real and what's not, Mike must confront reality and something that he had never been able to truly control.

aka wound cleaning fic + a devastating cliffhanger + Will not knowing what's real and what's not

it's rotten work (not to me. not if it's you) - 2 chapters

Ten years after everything, and Will hasn't been able to shake a debilitating fear of anything medical-related. So when the only option and smart thing to do is get a blood test from the hospital, Mike is sure to take the time to be there for him.

aka will needs a blood test but has a phobia of needles and mike takes time off work to support him

what you really want - 10 chapters

aka a s5 speculatory mike wheeler-centric fic about his internalised homophobia and a lot of moments where he's not so clever about his feelings with will

our hearts were singing - 4 chapters (incomplete)

aka karen invites mike and will over for christmas, but mike still hasn't told his whole family about his relationship, even after a year of them definitely not-so-platonically living together. maybe it's time.

Have fun! And if you don't ship byler ur allowed to interact but if you want to hate on it, please don't interact! I'll just delete any hate because I personally think there is no space for homophobia or negativity on my page.

You'll also find 0 byler doubt here. I don't want to worry people. So ily <3

[pedroscurls]

Dirty Little Secret (Part 6).

Character(s): no-outbreak, age-gap!Joel Miller x fem!Reader Summary: Drew finds out about you and Joel and more confessions are made.   Word count: 2.9k  A/N: We're getting close to the end of this story! I just want to extend my gratitude to everyone who's read this, who have left comments... It really means a lot!🫶 Warning: age-gap (Joel is in his 50s, reader is in her early-30s), very brief mentions of childhood trauma (neglect) SERIES MASTERLIST - ultimate masterlist

“Do you love her?” 

The question repeats itself in Joel’s mind as he’s staring at Drew. He only takes a quick glance in the direction you walked in when he sees a figure in his peripheral. It isn’t you and he’s become very aware of the disappointment that settles in the pit of his stomach. 

“I’ve fallen in love with you!” 

It’s all Joel can think about. Joel can hear the crack in your voice, can see the tears in your eyes. He knows how conflicted you must feel because this was never meant to happen. This was never meant to become more serious than it did - Joel knows. 

But he never planned on falling in love with you either.

“I ain’t answerin’ that, Drew.” Joel finally replies. 

Drew tightens his jaw. He can feel the protectiveness wash over him, can feel the tug in his heart when he sees you walk away on the verge of tears. Drew had always felt protective over you, almost like an older brother wanting to shield you from the pain and hurt of this world. What he didn’t expect was that his soon-to-be father-in-law would be the source of your tears, but also the reason why he had noticed a shift in your behavior in the last two months. 

“You know she doesn’t ever open herself up to the idea of being loved like that,” Drew says, stepping closer to Joel. In that moment, Drew forgets for a split second that this is Sarah’s dad, that this is going to be his father-in-law in a matter of a few days. “And you–”

“I suggest you take a step back from me, Drew.” Joel interrupts. “I don’t need to answer your question.”

“You can’t hurt her.” Drew says, ignoring Joel. Instead, he takes a step closer, nose-to-nose with the older man. Drew is the same height as Joel, but definitely not as broad. “She deserves–”

“I know!” Joel exclaims. “Ya don’t think I know that she deserves the goddamn world, Drew? Ya don’t think I know that she deserves someone better than me?” 

“She loves you,” Drew whispers. “I never thought that she would… That she would allow herself to ever fall in love. Not after her parents, not after her mom…” He takes a step back and looks at Joel, taking note of the look in the older man’s face. He doesn’t need Joel to answer, doesn’t need a verbal confirmation from the older man because he can see it. 

“I know,” Joel repeats. “I didn’t– This wasn’t planned. We just… It just happened.”

“When did this start?” 

Joel sighs. “About two months ago.” 

“You met her two months ago.”

“Right.” 

“Oh my god, did this happen the first time you met her? When I introduced you to her?” 

Joel nods. “There was a mutual attraction, sure. But it didn’t happen until–”

“Okay, okay. I get it.” Drew shakes his head and then continues, “Sarah’s going to lose her shit.” 

Joel runs a hand over his face and then takes a long swig of his beer. He thinks it’s going to help, that the alcohol will somehow numb him of the feelings that are threatening to surface after so long of pushing it down and ignoring it. “I know.” 

“We can’t,” Drew sighs. “We can’t tell her. Not until after the wedding.”

Joel nods in agreement. He looks inside the building and catches a glimpse of you. He can see the smile on your face but notices how it doesn’t reach your eyes like it usually does. Your arms are crossed over your chest, almost like you’re guarding yourself (and your heart). He wants nothing more than to take you away from here and admit to you how he really feels. 

“I didn’t expect for this to be something more,” Joel admits. “But she– she’s somethin’. She just makes me feel like I matter, y’know? Ain’t no other woman’s made me feel the way she does.” 

Drew nods. “You’re happy,” he points out.

“Since meeting her, yeah,” Joel replies. 

“Then you better make things right.” Drew says. “Don’t let her go, Joel. Knowing her, she’s not going to want to fight for this. She’s going to want to run from it… So, don’t let her.” Drew sighs, looking inside the building and noticing you and Sarah talking amongst one another. “I’ve never seen her like this and I should have known something was different, especially in Vegas. She deserves the world, yeah, but something’s telling me that it’s you.”

“But the age gap–”

“She always liked older men,” Drew interrupts. “Her life… She never had it easy, but if she really does love you, then she deserves to know whether or not you love her too.” 

“Right, and this ain’t weird?” Joel asks. “Me and your best friend?” 

Drew shrugs. “A little bit, but she deserves to be happy for once.”

Joel’s about to respond, but he’s interrupted by a few people calling him and Drew to join them inside with the rest of the party. Joel nods and shares a look with Drew before following the younger man inside. 

—

After the wedding rehearsal, you manage to leave the party without encountering Joel. In fact, after your sudden confession, you ignored him the entire night and he actually gave you the space that you asked for. Still, your eyes would meet his and he’d just give you a single nod. You know he wants to talk to you, wants to address what you had said earlier, but you don’t let him. 

So, when you finally make it back home, changed out of your dress, make-up wiped off, you’re surprised to hear a knock at your door. Expecting it to be Joel, you don’t answer it. Instead, you stay in your room, curled up in your bed with his side vacant. You had gotten so used to him spending nights at your apartment that it became second nature for you to keep his side of your bed open for him. 

The knocking on the door continues, followed by the continuous sounds of your doorbell. You realize that it isn’t Joel because Joel wouldn’t be this annoying. Then, your phone rings. 

Drew. 

You don’t answer it. It rings again. 

You’re starting to get irritated. So, you stand up and walk to your front door, opening it to see Drew standing on the other side of it. 

“Are you ignoring me?” 

“I just want to be alone.” 

“I heard everything.” 

“I know.”

“So… You gonna let me in so we can talk about it?” 

“And if I say no?” 

Drew sighs and steps inside anyway. “That’s not an option and you know it.” 

“Sure, Drew. Come on in. Take a seat. Let me tell you how I’ve fallen in love with your father-in-law.” You roll your eyes and close your front door, walking towards your kitchen to pour him a glass of water. You’ve always been known to use sarcasm as a defense mechanism, to hide the pain, but Drew knows better.

Drew says your name and you look over at him to see the serious look in his face. You sigh and set the glass down on your dining table. Drew doesn’t take it. Instead, he walks over to you and looks into your eyes. 

“You love him.”

“I’m not supposed to.” 

“You can’t control who you fall in love with.” 

“I can try.”

Drew sighs. “You’re not your parents. You’re not your mom.”

“You don’t know that.” You can feel tears threatening to spill over again. “It was never meant to be like this…” you whisper. “It was just supposed to be– We were only supposed to have fun.” 

“Yeah, well, feelings do usually get involved. Eventually.” 

“Not me,” you shake your head. “I’ve told myself that I’m not meant to settle down. I’m not meant to–”

“But you are,” Drew finishes. “You deserve to love… to be loved.”

You shake your head, tears slowly beginning to trickle down your cheeks. Your entire life, you’ve always felt like you weren’t worthy enough to have that kind of love that’s written in books, shown in movies. Growing up, it seemed like your mother made it her mission to let you know just how unworthy you are. 

And it also didn’t help when your father didn’t want anything to do with you after he and your mom divorced. 

“He deserves someone better than me,” you whisper, voice shaky. “Joel deserves someone that isn’t broken…”

Drew bites his lower lip and pulls you into his arms. He knows it’s coming, knows that you’re about to break down and so, he just holds you. Drew becomes your anchor (like he always did) but you find that you’re missing something - someone - because while Drew has always made you feel safe, this doesn’t make you feel better.

You want someone else’s arms around you. 

You want someone else to console you.

You want someone else to tell you that you’re worth it. 

You want Joel. 

But instead, you allow yourself to release the pent up emotions that you kept bottled in all day. You cry against Drew and he rubs your back, tries to help you calm down, and urges you to take deep breaths. He’s used to this. He’s used to consoling you, but it’s never because of this. 

Because of your fear of opening yourself up to someone. 

Because of the love that fills your heart for Joel. 

Joel. 

“I really do love him, Drew,” you whisper, pulling away only to wipe your eyes. “And I didn’t plan to. I know– I know he’s Sarah’s dad, and your father-in-law, but–”

“You can’t control who you fall in love with,” Drew repeats. “If he makes you happy, makes you feel safe, that’s all that matters to me. We’ve been by each other’s side for most of our lives and I’ve never seen you like this about someone.” 

“Sarah’s gonna kill me,” you sigh. 

Drew shrugs. “Maybe not. You might be surprised.”

“Oh my god, does she know?” 

“No,” Drew sighs. “Joel and I agreed not to tell her until after the wedding.”

“Oh, so you talked to Joel.”

“I did.”

You nod and move to sit at your dining table. You grab the glass of water instead and down half the contents then look up at Drew. “I told him to give me space.” 

“Do you really want him to give you space?” 

You shake your head. “I just–”

“You want him here,” Drew finishes.

You nod, biting your lower lip.

“Then stop being stubborn and just go after him.” 

“I’m not–”

“He might love you too,” Drew interrupts. “Wouldn’t that be a good thing? That someone you love feels the same way? That everything you feel for him is exactly how he feels about you?”

“But what if… What if it doesn’t work out? That everything I put into it just isn’t enough?” 

“I won’t lie. That’s a possibility, but every relationship takes a risk.” Drew answers. “But are you willing to take a risk for something that can be worth it or live the rest of your life wondering what if I just tried?” 

“I’m scared,” you confess. “I’m scared of becoming like my parents, of becoming like my mom...”

“Your parents’ relationship will not be your own,” Drew says. “You are nothing like your mom.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, for one, you’re not selfish. You care about the people you love and you’d do anything for them. Your mom… She wasn’t like that.”

You nod, biting your lower lip as flashes of your childhood enter your mind. Drew’s right. Your mom only looked after herself, always looking for love in the wrong places, especially after the divorce. She cared more about getting alcohol and being loved by toxic men that she didn’t care much about you. 

“I don’t know what to do, Drew.” 

“Yeah, you do.” Drew sighs. “Just get your head out of your ass and just go to him.” 

“What if he doesn’t want to see me?” 

“The entire time we were talking, he kept looking over to see if he could find you. Something tells me that he doesn’t want to give you space like you asked, but he’s respecting your choice. He’s giving you space like you asked, even if it’s hurting him.” 

“Okay,” you finally say. “Okay.” 

“Great. Grab your bag. I’m taking you.”

“Wait, right now?” 

“Yes, right now.”

“It’s almost midnight!” 

“Yeah, but I know you. You can change your mind quickly, so I’d rather take you now so you don’t have the chance to go back on it.” 

You narrow your eyes and stand up to gently punch his shoulder. “You know, sometimes I hate that you know me so well.” 

Drew chuckles and stands up to pull you into a hug. “I just want you happy and it seems like Joel helps you become the person you’ve always meant to be.”

“And what type of person is that?” 

“Free.” 

“Free?” 

Drew nods. “It just seems like since meeting him, you’re not so concerned about… Everything.” 

“He makes me feel safe, Drew…”

“Then, let’s get you to your safe place then.” 

—

Drew pulls up to Joel’s house a half hour past midnight. It’s dark, the lights in the house are off, and you’re sure that Joel’s asleep. Your mind is all over the place, but Drew is there to hold you accountable, to make sure you see to it that you at least have a conversation with Joel. He’s right, though. Throughout the car ride, you want to tell him to turn back, that you changed your mind, that you’re not ready, but now that you’re at the front of Joel’s house, you can’t go back. 

Especially since Drew turns off his car and steps out to knock on Joel’s front door. You don’t have time to think anymore because you see the porch light turn on, followed by the door opening. You can see his shadow, can see him bring his hand up to rub the sleep from his eyes. Then, he steps out further into the light and you see that he’s wearing a dark t-shirt and boxers. His hair is disheveled, almost like he had been tossing and turning in bed. 

Drew points in the direction over his shoulder and you step out of his car. You see Joel finally notice you and you can see the relief in his features. Drew calls your name once, twice, before you begin walking in his direction. Once you’re standing in front of Joel, you yearn to reach out for him, to have him pull you into his arms like he usually did. 

“You gonna be okay?” Drew asks, turning to look at you.

“You brought me here. A little too late to be asking me that, don’t you think?” You bite back. 

Drew chuckles and pulls you into a hug. “You’re worthy,” he whispers. “Believe that.” 

He pulls away and looks over at Joel, reaching out to shake his hand. “I know she’ll be in good hands.” Drew says and turns on his heel to walk back towards his car, leaving you and Joel standing on his front porch.

“Um, ya wanna come in?” Joel asks. 

“Sure.” 

Joel steps inside and holds the door open for you to step inside. Once you do, you remove your shoes and feel the warmth of his home. He turns on the lights in his living room and hallway before he leads you towards the kitchen. He begins making a pot of coffee when he suddenly feels your arms wrap around him from behind. Joel lets out a sigh and turns around in your arms, looking down at you as his arms snake around your shoulders. 

“Y’okay?” Joel whispers. 

“No.” 

“Wanna talk ‘bout it?” 

“I think we should.” 

Joel nods. “Okay, darlin’. Coffee first?” 

“Yes, please.” 

“Black, right?” 

You let the corner of your lips curl upwards. “You remember.”

“‘Course I do. I remember everything when it comes to you.” Joel kisses your forehead lightly, lingering for a second longer, before he pulls away to finish making the coffee. 

You bite your lower lip at his words, feeling the butterflies begin to swarm in the pit of your stomach like it usually did whenever you were around him. You lean up to press a gentle kiss on the back of his shoulder before you pull away to walk towards his living room, sitting on his couch and pulling your legs underneath you. 

A few minutes later, Joel walks into the room holding two mugs of coffee. He hands one over to you and you take it willingly, taking a careful sip before you place it on the coffee table. Joel does the same and then takes a seat next to you. It’s quiet, the tension thickening in the air. 

“We don’t have to talk about anything, darlin’,” Joel says first. “Not if you don’t want to. I’m just fine with you bein’ here. With me.” 

“I owe you an apology… for earlier.” 

“No, baby… You ain’t gotta apologize–”

You sigh. “I ran away because I was scared.” 

“I know,” he says quietly. Joel hesitantly reaches out for you and you scoot closer to him. When his arms wrap around your frame, you let out a contented sigh and lean against him, shutting your eyes. “I ain’t ever wanna let you go, darlin’,” he admits quietly. “And I’m scared too… But I think you’re worth it.”

“I think you’re worth it.” 

The words echo in your mind and you open your eyes to look up at him. Joel’s already staring at you, the same look he always gives you. 

“And what if– What if I don’t think I’m worth it?”

—

taglist: @she-could-never | @joeldjarin | @janaispunk | @jessie8605 | @untamedheart81 | @paleidiot | @vickie5446 | @casa-boiardi | @ashleymsnodgrass | @lizzie-cakes

—

prev. - next.

[dangerpronebuddie]

(Hold onto your hoola hoops, folks, I wrote this at 2am after a paper that fought me tooth and nail, so if it makes no sense I'm sorry 😁)

Okay. I can't stop thinking we're in for some Eddie whump. (The whumper in me says we're overdue pero ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ that's beside the point). Anyway. The foreshadowing has been in the making since 4x14, and with them discussing that arc so much, I can't help feeling like they'll bring up something about it. (Under the cut, cause this gets a bit long)

This show doesn't often leave storylines open, so addressing the will again is inevitable. But what would prompt it? Eddie thinks Buck understands it (he doesn't), so why would they need to bring it up again?

They promoted Chris/ Gavin along with the main cast. No other kids were. So why?

You could argue the 7x01 storyline was the reason behind it, but I don't think that line is completely done. The premieres usually foreshadow some events through the season. Bringing up Shannon not only gives new viewers a glimpse into the Diaz boys and their trauma, it sets up something they'll revisit. She's been mentioned a few times throughout the season, and having her be a part of the guilt storyline makes perfect sense and is absolutely beautiful.

Eddie still holds this guilt about their relationship. All these if onlys. He's come a long way in his healing and growth, but it isn't linear, and that loss will never completely heal. He's still looking for that magic, that deep love he had (and still has) for her. He can't move past the guilt he feels about it all.

A coma dream of his own, or some kind of hallucinations, would be the perfect way to get him to forgive himself. How we get there? I'm not 100% sure. But I have some ideas!

1. Trapped dads (thank Anna)

@lover-of-mine can explain it so much better, but we've been rooting for this for ages. We thought they were going to drown Buck this season, but it doesn't look like they're going that way. So, we thought about flipping the scenario. Eddie is the one gravely injured, not Buck. Aborted confession? Possibly! Buck being the sole parent while Eddie is in the hospital? Absolutely. It would bring about so many possibilities. Eddie wouldn't confess to Buck as he was dying, he wouldn't make Buck carry that. But Buck might confess to Eddie as Eddie is dying so he knows he'll die loved. When he saves Eddie (desperate CPR when???) they have to live with what was said in the moment. Even better if Eddie is in a coma afterwards. Bonus points if they're still in their relationships through it all. Mutual pining anyone? Buck will be taking care of Chris in the midst of it all, possibly revealing to T and M that the will exists. The season ends with Eddie awake and healing, knowing how Buck feels. He of course won't say anything because they're still dating other people. Allows for a LOT of pining through s8.

2. Hallucinations (thanks Saturn)

I hadn't really considered this possibility, but @steadfastsaturnsrings brought up a great idea. I tried to find out the specific episode that takes place in the desert, but as far as I've found, they haven't specified. I'm assuming 7x07. Since 7x07 is Ghost of a Second Chance, Shannon could be appearing in that one. And if 7x07 is the one in the desert, then there's a lot of possibilities there too. Heatstroke or snake bite... either could cause hallucinations. Since the writer for 7x07 is likely Taylor Wong (wrote 6x15) then some Eddie and Shannon angst is definitely possible. Any way we look at this, the will could factor in. Eddie can't care for Chris, so Buck steps in. I think something happening in the desert could add some visions focused around his service and we get some very Eddie Begins type scenes that maybe show more positive calls between Eddie and Shannon. We could also possibly get a callback to 6x15 and Eddie's fear of dying alone (and having Buck there with him would prove him wrong. Wishful thinking).

3. God only knows

He gets trapped in a collapsed building? T involved? Sinkhole? Some kind of blood loss? We don't know! But I do know that Juan Carlos Coto usually writes huge episodes for Bobby, Eddie, and Buck (3x09, 4x05, 5x13, 5x16, 6x10 just to name a few). And since he's writing 7x08, which is titled Step Nine, the guilt and Shannon could happen there too. I mentioned in another post (which I can't find, naturally) that Step Nine in AA means making amends, no matter what. So, while Bobby is likely making amends with Amir, Eddie is making amends with himself, Shannon, and his guilt surrounding it. (There's a possible firepilot storyline there, depending on how 7x06 goes but I won't get into that rn).

Any way it goes, Shannon appearing, especially appearing older, will show Eddie all those if onlys he's been dwelling on. It will show him how different his life could've been (parallel to 6x11) and it will show him he hasn't failed. He has nothing to feel guilty about. He's not going to find what he had with Shannon. But he can find something just as deep and meaningful. And it's something Shannon (his subconscious) has to show him. Something he has to figure out on his own, like he usually does. No outside force is going to push him past it, no matter how hard he tries.

Perhaps in that dream/ hallucination, he'll realize he's not a commitment phobe, he's not a failure, he's not a sinner doomed to hell. He's human, and he's found love he's not allowing himself to feel.

Feelings realization (or more acceptance of those feelings) and some delicious pining is imminent. How we get to it? I'm not sure. They usually repeat kinds of injuries so I'm leaning more towards trapping him somewhere, but I love the idea of a snake bite. It's happening to someone, based on the fact they had dangerous reptiles on set (or a prop for it). Any way it happens, it'll be amazing, especially if this happens with it.

[otomes-and-tears]

thoughts on shiloh and jb,,,, theyre so fun to think abt as a dynamic no matter how u choose to slice it

THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT THIS, ANON!! I want to smooch your forehead. I'm so happy rn.

Okay so-- I like to think that Shiloh initially only agreed to date JB out of self-interest, but eventually developed genuine feelings for her that he's in denial about.

We all know that he chooses to closely associate with people who will offer him something in return, and being with JB is DEFINITELY beneficial for him in the beginning:

First, by going out with her he's setting himself apart from the other jerks. He already acts differently from them, being nice, cheerful and helpful, and dating someone who others would consider desirable would do good for his social standing (and we know that shiloh has a bit of a reputation for being a manwhore, so actually settling down with someone for once would make him appear better) and it would solidify the idea that he's in the jerksquad by mistake and that he's "totally normal you guys" for people who still didn't catch on to him being a snake.

We also know that part of the reason is literally just that JB is the one thing that all the jerks have in common. They're all attracted to her in some capacity, and Shiloh can rub it in their faces in his own way that he "won" by being with her.

I think that JB being physically attractive and fitting his type are just minor points for him. If it was down to just physical attraction he wouldn't have bothered with a romantic relationship. He did, canonically, have a bunch of flings, so we know that for him accept a serious, exclusive relationship meant that there was a lot of incentive for him to do so.

So by all accounts, this is literally the perfect scenario for him: He's with someone attractive and fun, he pisses Pran off, people will see him in a better light and, the best part of all, JB is aware that he has ulterior motives and doesn't care about what they are, just as long he's praising her and being amusing.

There doesn't need to be any actual feelings involved. It's a mutually beneficial relationship that hinges on both parts fulfilling their pre-assigned roles. It's straightforward and uncomplicated, even if their dynamic is kind of fucked up if you think too hard about it.

But... And maybe this is just the hopeless romantic in me, but I do think that Shiloh eventually starts developing actual feelings for JB, and it would be fucking terrible for him.

There's this one post where GB lady talks about Shiloh's loneliness, and I think about it way too much. Even if you choose to see him as someone who just discards and replaces people in his life as soon as they're not of use anymore, he still feels isolated and lonely, because of course he does! Shiloh spent his entire life not letting people in and just following whoever established themselves as a leader, he even admits to it himself in Our life.

Shiloh doesn't have any actual, meaningful relationships because he can't have them and still maintain that same pattern of behaviour that he's used to, and letting go of these old habits would be incredibly difficult for someone whose entire childhood socialization was built onto this foundation.

Like-- I know that is a clichê for people to trace back everything to someone's childhood, but I cannot stress enough how CRUCIAL childhood socialization is for human development. Of course, people can grow and change even if they had difficult childhoods, but you need a good foundation in order to build healthy habits, and while Shiloh did have loving parents who wanted to do good by him, the behaviours and thought patterns he picked up during his childhood are still things we can see he struggles with throughout his life.

Building long-lasting connections with people means that he needs to allow himself to be vulnerable and genuine, It means that Shiloh needs to let go of the safety of the "boss and sidekick" dynamic that he's used to, and that especially, he would need to let go of his habit of entering relationships with the expectation of leaving them eventually.

I don't think these are things he's incapable of doing, if you choose to believe that he was being genuine with Liz during their conversation in OLBA, but these are things that he has resistance to trying because they have outcomes that are difficult to predict, and Shiloh is as his most comfortable when he's able to read someone and be what they need him to be or manipulate them into giving to him what he wants. He thrives on predictability and control.

I believe that actually falling in love with JB would be something he'd be in denial about for a long time. I think it would be hard for him to rationalise having actual, genuine feelings for someone after he spent an entire life avoiding them, and it would be even harder for him to deal with the very real possibility of this relationship having an expiration date, or, even worse, him wanting to be with her past her usefulness.

And it's not like he has anyone to talk to about these things, or that JB would even believe him if he admitted to actually liking her. I do think that Shiloh is the kind of person who would try to bury these feelings inside as much as possible to try and regain some sense of normalcy and you'd never be able to tell, bc he's just acting like normal.

By the prom scene, I think he actually likes her. I think he purposefully takes advantage of the fact that she doesn't take anything he says seriously to say things he actually means. I think him opening up about his manipulation tactics goes beyond him just wanting to manipulate her further (though I do think that keeping her interested enough she doesn't want to break up is a good motivator for him to keep on manipulating her too) and is also Shiloh's way of testing her boundaries and just how much she's willing to put up with if he starts being honest with her.

I don't think he knows whether or not to break up with her by graduation. She's asking him, but he doesn't know what to answer. Being with her beyond high school and putting effort into staying with JB long-distance doesn't really benefit Shiloh like it did when they were both in high school, and staying with JB long-term would mean that at some point he'd have to look deep inside and ask himself if he's willing to change.

And yeah, he's lonely, and he loves JB, but is that worth giving up everything you know?

Buuut if you want my honest opinion, which I'm guessing you do because you read through this mountain of text, I like to think that him allowing Liz back into his life is a good sign. It, at the very least, means that he is willing to maintain one relationship and that he's willing to be at least somewhat honest with someone. That's already miles better from where he was when Xoxo Droplets started.

By the way-- if you agree or disagree with anything I said here I'd LOVE to hear people's takes on this topic! I love talking about them!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for potentially having been the reason why the relationship of two of my friends ended?

okay so i know this sounds bad, but i don’t think it’s my fault (at least not entirely).

so this happened 3 years ago almost. at the time, two of my best friends were dating each other. we were all part of a bigger friend group of like 6 people.

I’ll call those two friends who dated sam and jane. (fake names obviously)

The whole friend group was relatively new and only like half a year old when they started dating. i had only known sam for the time that friend group existed, so not very long by then. jane on the other hand, had been one of my best friends since we were both in kindergarten.

jane and i were around 16 then and sam was 15.

i had had a crush on jane for years at this point, but never told her because i always either thought she was straight (so she wouldn’t be into another girl aka she would never be into me) or because she was taken or because i just didn’t want to risk this long friendship ending.

but of info:

sam was (at the time) a cis guy. (sam is now questioning their gender but is leaning towards nonbinary transfem, but that was not yet the case during the time this story happened. so i will be using they/them pronouns for same obviously, but keep in mind that at the time, sam was a cis guy). before sam and jane got together, sam told me they had a crush on me but i rejected them.

jane (at the time) identified as bisexual.

the thing is, all of this happened during covid so sam and jane couldn’t see each other very often, but sometimes when the number of cases in our town went down, the restrictions were lifted. so one day, it was allowed to meet up in smaller groups again. so sam, jane, another friend and i spent the day together in town.

eventually that other friend had to leave because of something unrelated, so i was alone with the other two. sam and jane were in that stage of the relationship were they were very comfortable with each other and kinda already out of the “honeymoon” stage yk?

since i was very close to both of them separately, i didn’t feel like a third wheel there. it was a tiny bit awkward for me, because i did still have that crush on jane, but neither of them knew that.

we were all just kinda talking until the convo turned to like reminiscing about jane and my past since we’ve been friends very long and have been through a lot together. at some point, jane said that she has something to say that i might find weird.

obviously, this made me (and sam) very curious. jane laughed and then said that she used to have a huge crush on me, but was too shy to say that. i was admittedly not unhappy about that, so i told her that i too “used to” have a crush on her. (i lied a bit in the way that i said that was in the past when that crush very much was still there).

then i felt kinda bad, but before i could like backtrack (bc obviously i wasn’t trying to mess with their relationship), sam laughed and said that they wouldn’t mind if i joined their relationship. jane agreed and like kinda officially “invited me in.” (they were not in an open relationship, but apparently both their crushes on me were not so much in the past as i thought lol).

at first i thought that was a joke, but apparently they had kinda talked about that before and while it was spontaneous, it was definitely also a serious offer.

i was however still not into sam, and i didn’t think it was fair if i said yes without actually liking both of them back, so i rejected them awkwardly and went home not long after because i was totally not expecting that and just like totally startled me yk?

shortly after, like a few weeks, jane broke up with sam and said that she realized that she’s a lesbian because of “something that happened recently” and like. she never did say what it was, but one of our mutual friends who i had told about that situation from before, kept insinuating that i was involved in whatever situation jane meant. jane and sam themselves have never said anything like that to me and they are both still friends with each other (and with me, even if jane and i are more distant now).

so it’s very ambiguous if i really had anything to do with the end of their relationship, but that one mutual friend fully thinks that it was at least in part because of me. but like idk. so AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[random-autie-fangirl]

🎭 Lying headcanon for Asriel/Flowey

(Headcanons still from the same ask game that you can totally ask me questions from if you so desire)

What Asriel does post-pacifist is he downplays how much he cares.

How much he cares for Chara (though he certainly wasn't lying at first when he said he didn't forgive Chara, this is later when they start being nicer to him again. It was Chara who started this animosity by the way, but it's like ... "Oh, you don't forgive me for killing everyone, you hate me, huh? You never wanna see me again? Well, okay, then, I don't forgive you either, I don't wanna see your stupid face ever again, Fuck off!" And then he proceeds to see Chara over and again for the next few years until the animosity fades on both sides, because Frisk and Chara share the same body and it turns out he likes Frisk more than he hates Chara. See this is why I prefer the buttercup plan being a betrayal of a previously good relationship because being sort of forced to interact with a best friend you had a massive mutual falling out with is somewhat funny, but being sort of forced to interact with your relentless bully of three years is just fucking awful)

for MK (MK is impossible for anyone to dislike, trust me, Asriel tried at first to dislike them, mainly being jealous of their friendship with Frisk, but MK was kind, endearing and positive enough that he feels really bad about it (and MK’s reaction to bullying just isn't funny, they just brush him off and y'know...it later becomes very obvious that Frisk is definitely not leaving him behind),

for Toriel(he still really likes his mom, I am pretty sure he greatly prefers her to Asgore, and that's who he lives with, even if it might be a bit awkward living with her alone first it feels somewhat nice, doesn't it, to return home? And in the underground, he was hanging out in the ruins when Frisk came...with Toriel, though that might be just because he was looking for souls, and plus...the skeleton fam are always next door, if he wants to spend time with Frisk or Papyrus),

for Frisk (Caring and bright, like MK, but certainly not a goody two shoes by any means. Down for chaos and trouble, you mess with Frisk and they mess back, and that's just what Az likes about them. They forgave him when he didn't forgive himself, saved him when he still believes he doesn't deserve to be. (Though Frisk uses it constantly to win arguments and the like... Or Frisk is always allowed to pick the first movie on movie night because "no murder" privileges, Frisk gets the last cookie because "no murder" privileges, Frisk gets to ride shotgun because "no murder" privileges, and if there's a limited supply of something, Frisk gets the first pick, once again cos' no murder privileges.)

Who... understands about the presence of Chara and about the resets. And well...I often think about Chara and their "best friends", that one person they see as an equal above all else. But, well, Asriel has his own issues and he has his own best friends to feel weirdly intense about. In the underground, he idolizes Chara as that person...the exception to all the noise, the one person he feels that he can still care about, a potential partner in crime. And I think post pacifist, he kinda latches onto Frisk in the same way, at least to start with. In this case, it's paired with a crush but it doesn't have to be, for example with Chara, it evidently wasn't.),

and finally for Papyrus(still his idol, in the fifth anniversary thing, one of the people we know for sure that Asriel interacts with apart from Frisk is Papyrus, much like MK, I think Paps can be so kind that it starts to make him feel bashful and be significantly less likely to be cruel or act up, unlike Frisk and Chara who bring out the fire in him, either playfully (Frisk) or genuinely angrily (Chara). Also since Frisk lives with Paps, he'll come over just as often to see the skeledad as to see the skelekid, lucky of him to have both favourite people live right next door and in the same house. Why doesn't Az live with them then.... Because I like Friskriel. Also because living with Frisk would mean living with Chara, and neither Asriel or Chara want that (you can also see why he would be less than thrilled to see Sans every day of course).

He'll give gifts anonymously, hide his face away so Frisk doesn't see him blush at them, downplay or backtrack on compliments (or just mumble them), make excuses for caring actions, can be very clingy but never in public(and if you ever see him on Frisk's shoulders, it's just because it's easier than the pot, not cause he wants to be near Frisk or anything, or sometimes it's "Frisk paid me" liar). He's not a little weenie who "cares" about people, it's just because.... uh...

You know, general tsundere stuff.

And (apart from the blushing thing) this isn't just specific to his crush on Frisk but to every relationship he has. He has a reputation to maintain, he doesn't want to be teased, he always wanted to be "strong", to be seen as a "big kid" and that still goes now even if he's done trying to impress Chara or act cool for their sake. (Now, honestly, I think he might be trying to impress Frisk and MK, even though Frisk doesn't care and actually likes the fact that he's kind of a dork and MK is... actually pretty easily impressed, in fact, and is probably more annoyed when Asriel is mean, partially in an attempt to be "cool" and "tough" and "uncaring".)

[stephofromcabin12]

🫵 this is gonna get personal for a sec, I'm bisexual and demisexual, and my family keeps making homophobic comment. I haven't come out to them because of the comments, I just need something honestly.

[I have not edited this and I wrote it p soon after waking up so apologies for any typos or tangents — I hope the point shines through — in case someone hasn’t told you today: You’re valued, You’re worthy, You bring something to the table no one else can bring; Yourself. And I’m glad you’re here🩷]

Hey lovely anon,

Let me start by saying: You owe no one the priviledge of knowing that side of you. That’s a gift you choose when and where and to whom you give. Just because they’re family does not automatically give them an all access-pass to all of you. It’s a privilege earned through mutual respect and kindness. Don’t feel that you must come out to them, especially if you worry it’s not going to be received well.

I understand the wish to share it, because it is a part of who you are but you must remember that there is no arguing with ignorance, especially not if it’s stubborn and self-inflicted.

A therapist once told me that everything people say to you is a reflection of themselves. Meaning, if people feel the need to joke about you, point fingers and criticize you unwarranted, it’s usually a marker that they see how evolved you are, how smart and accepting and glowing you are. They see how easily you rest in yourself and allow others to do the same; and they’re uncomfortable with that because they lack those skills, and so they must try to knock you down to their level, so they can feel better. Let them try. The key in doing that is to Observe their behavior but don’t Absorb it. Know that it’s not you they’re talking about when they say those things; it’s them. And that’s got absolutely zero to do with you.

Don’t sink to their level, that’s exactly what they want, anon. Rise above it, floating over their lowly, narrow-mindedness really puts just how small their world is into perspective. Becoming bitter only festers into something worse, and you shouldn’t allow that kind of rot into your garden, it you can avoid it. Cut it out at the root and let something better and healthier grow instead.

Next, I want you to remember that there are people out there who will celebrate you, who will love you and accept you as you are and as you grow, regardless of what labels you pick up or put down or replace or find again (because labels are just a marker of here and now, not a definitive statement, because people aren’t definite—I’m not trying to sound like those people who say sexuality is just a phase but rather that you should focus on what feels like you right now rather than search for a label to put on it; sometimes there isn’t one, and that’s okay too. Which I’m probably only feeling called to say because I wish someone had told me that when I was younger and obsessing over what word to introduce myself to the world with, instead of just introducing me as myself)

And maybe your family can learn how to be those people, in time, if they’re willing to learn; oftentimes people are cruel towards things they don’t understand—and it’s not your job to force someone them to understand, anon.

You can present the opportunity to them, but you can’t make them learn. They have to want that for themselves. Give them time, sometimes they need that. But if they refuse then that’s their loss. You don’t have to make a big fuss about this. You just don’t grant them access to that part of you indefinitely until they earn it back. Simple as that.

A piece of advice from someone who had to learn to bite their tongue instead of engaging with idiocracy: Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is learn to shrug it off. No, it’s not fair and you want to educate, you want to share your truth and teach them some empathy. But you can’t. It’s not up to you.

And it’s an endless cycle. They won’t learn until they want to. So unclench your jaw, and drop your shoulders and learn the beautiful words: “Sure, whatever you say!” Before promptly moving on so you don’t feed their need for discussing things they dont understand or have a say in, in the first place.

They expect a fight. They expect to be proven right in their belief that they’re the rational one by making you lash out. And if you simply dismiss them in a levelheaded way, then you strip them of both of those things. You signal that “I heard what you said, but that’s an immature and uneducated thing to say, so I’m going to give you the grace of letting it slide and moving on” - akin to not entertaining a petulant child; they don’t know better, or feign not to anyway. So you’ll treat them as such. They say kill them with kindness, I prefer gentle redirection. You’re not hardening to match them, you can be firm and gentle at the same time. That’s real power. That’s maturity. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that your journal and or your therapist will hear all about this.

But move on. Save yourself the added irritation.

Next ask yourself: Do you love yourself? Do you accept yourself? Have you made a home for yourself in your body and soul and stand by it, no matter what? Do you show up for yourself and trust yourself?

That’s all you need at the end of the day, anon. The opinions of others who don’t understand you—and sometimes don’t wish to understand you— don’t matter. The right people will not always understand you at first; but they’re curious about you, and want to learn about you because they love you.

I can’t say if your family falls into that category, and the experience of hearing harmful, ignorant comments from the people who are supposed to be in your corner is all too familiar in the community. But my old 7th grade teacher once sat in our class, which consisted of 20 young girls—all of whom struggled with our identities in one way or another— and told us a story about her son, who was maybe 5 or 6 at the time. She told us how he came home crying after being called names by the other kids in his class. Before messaging the school, she sat with him, hugged him and asked him to repeat everything they’d said. Every little thing.

He did. He listed it all— admittedly very juvenile insults but to a five year old they’d been detrimental— and when he finished, she looked him in the eyes and asked:

“Well, are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you all those things?”

“No! That’s why I’m so upset! It’s not true!”

“Okay, then that’s all that matters. Who cares if they *think* you are something. If you know you’re not, you’ll prove them wrong eventually by simply not becoming their assumptions.”

I’m sure she phrased it more in a way that a young child would understand but to us, who were older: 13 and having to decide who we were, it was a golden. Once you know yourself, anon, it takes a lot for people to get to you. Because anything they throw at you, you simply hold up to the truth of you, and if it doesn’t fit; throw it away. It’s not yours to keep then.

Regardless of the outcome, if you choose to come out— because it is your choice, and you don’t have to be out to be in the community, and you don’t have to be out to everyone you know— Know who you are. Rest in it.

When people question it or try to tear it down; don’t crumble. You can’t be a twig here, anon. You have to grow to a point where it takes more than a miss-step to break you.

You have to rest in your own self like an old oak tree with roots reaching miles down into the earth and branches stretching tall to the sky; unafraid to be seen— because there’s nothing about a tree that doesn’t belong here. You’ve grown that tall on your own; you’ve earned this spot in the sun just by staying true to yourself.

All that noise, wind and earthquakes doesn’t matter. You’re rooted in the earth’s core. It’s taken too much strength to grow to be knocked over by a gust of wind or stone thrown. Tree’s aren’t bitter either. Or vengeful. Its so easy to become that but don’t. It’s not worth it. Be as a tree: observing, sometimes seemingly still but always growing quietly. Be everything you wish to have: you want safety and security; become a shelter for yourself. You want friendship and love? Become your own biggest adorer, and your own most trusted friend. You want power and respect? Learn to be powerful without being cruel, and to respect yourself even on your bad days, and bad years. When you do that, others who have done the same healing will recognize it in you, and vice versa, and you’ll find what you’re looking for when it’s meant for you; because you already have it all in yourself. No one can take it from you, or give it to you if you’ve already given it to yourself. And why shouldn’t you? You deserve all those things and more.

Stand tall, anon, and know yourself. You know who you are, and you know there’s people out there who love you, and support you, even if you haven’t met them yet.

I’m with you. You’re not the first to walk this path and you won’t be the last, in that sense you’re never alone. We’re all cheering you on☀️

[vintersang]

🍓

let me compliment you / accepting / @esmerclda

Pearl, you have been a wonderful friend for me. I rarely ever talk to my dear mutual friends about my troubles since I’m so used to keeping things to myself, though they have always offered to talk to me, but you helped me out so much recently when I decided to talk to you. I really appreciate your patience as well as your help. I didn’t mean to ramble so much to you, especially so close to the holidays, but you met me with absolute kindness. Thank you so much for sending me that little thank you message for following you back. It was such a simple gesture, but your message really helped me to break the ice with you.

Such a tiny message gave me the push to welcome you, so I will always appreciate that moment. I know I often need someone to do the first move since I easily get nervous about starting a conversation, so I’m happy that you decided to message me that day. As you can probably tell, I’m usually pretty good at handling the rest from there since I quickly started to ramble to you shortly after welcoming you. I really hope other people realize that you are amazing because I sincerely want the best for you on both of your blogs, though I might be biased with your Esmeralda blog since that’s where we met.

Can I mention how much I love your revamp? I wasn’t expecting you to use my Christmas gift for you on your entire blog since I made that particular edit for your header, hence the matching background color on the bottom half of the edit. So, when I discovered that you went all out for that header banner definitely made me feel very happy!!! Not only that, but your dash icon as well as your revamped blog is so pleasant.

Your revamped blog is very pleasing to see, hehe. It definitely inspires me to try to revamp my Elsa blog, though my edits for her tend to be slow since I’m still adjusting to have Elsa as the focus of the edits. Either way, be on the lookout for more gifts in the future. I had so much fun with that banner of yours, but I definitely want to push myself more with Esmeralda because it’s genuinely so fun to make something for another muse. It allows me to appreciate the character even more, but it also gives me an excuse to analyze them as well as my choices for the edit. I hope that makes sense, haha.

Now, when it comes to your writing? You definitely inspire me, especially with how much writing you have in each of your responses. I’m incredibly slow, old mutuals already know this, but seeing you keep up the pace with your writing quality is beautiful. Did I mention how much I adore the fact that you wrote a drabble? I didn’t get to finish reading it since I wanted to answer this ask. Anyway, I have yet to do this with Elsa, even with my drabble tag, but you make me want to write more for the sake of writing!

Another thing I want to mention is how you definitely made me more inspired to keep writing without icons. I do plan on using icons in the future because Elsa is gorgeous, but doing icons from scratch on a new muse is so much work. Not only that, but I also tend to write when I’m away from home and my laptop. So, I have gotten more comfortable with writing without icons because seeing you without them is nice. You aren’t the only mutual of mine to not use icons, but it’s still inspiring to see you embrace the joy of writing by itself.

Okay, one more thing before this gets too long—

There are a lot of things I can compliment you on, especially since you made it this far. But what I want to tell you is how much I love your strength in uncertainties. As we both know, things have been rough for you since you weren’t feeling the best on Esmeralda. With this in mind, you still kept going. I hope things are not rough for you now after cleaning up your entire blog, but… I still admire how you kept going.

You could have easily given up, but you didn’t. Just like how you faced your holiday blues by focusing on the positive side of things, you also focused on the good parts on your dash/blog. As someone who easily wallows in sorrow and struggles to see the positive things, your determination is very important for me to see. It makes me want to be better. Not only are you determined to be strong and kind to yourself, but your support towards me and my mental health is something so important to me.

I hope this brightens your day, Pearl.

Stay safe and cozy!

[helianskies]

reflecting on my 2023 in this fandom, i wanted to share some observations, reflections and projections for 2024. it's a little mix of positive and negative stuff so, and as this will be something mostly only mutuals will read (if at all), i just wanted to give you that heads up. i have some bits to get off my chest.

so, to start with, some little observations about myself as a writer:

i tag it 'nationverse' because i don't tend to write nationverse (the odd bit of historical, but not consistently), and i think it's useful to signpost to my readers 'oh btw they are actually nations in this one, in case that's not what you want to read today'. that is okay.

i will always call it 'engspa' to distinguish it from 'spuk' because i have a preferred dynamic for them and i grew up in a fandom space that tagged things as such to help readers know what they were getting into. that is okay.

i prefer having a ficlet collection to posting small works separately because it helps me manage my fics, see what i have and haven't done, navigate my profile, keep the request fics in one place, and maintain my drive to write small things compared to posting them all separately. that is okay.

i block people in order to curate my online enviroment, to avoid topics or content i'm not interested in or that i don't want to be in my happy space, and to manage my own emotions - and i am allowed to do so. that is okay.

i don't like every ship under the sun and so won't fulfil every request or suggestion i receive into my inbox, no matter how many times i am asked to. that is okay.

i just feel a need to address these things that have cropped up in my year. at a few points i've felt like a 'bad writer' for doing certain things or have been made to feel like a 'bad writer' for... essentially having preferences. at various points i lost confidence and contemplated throwing the towel.

thing is, we all do things differently, and we all have our own systems, preferences, and needs. i wish we'd stop putting each other down for that.

while i don't doubt my insecurities won't shift much next year, in 2024, i'll be in my eighth year writing. that feels like an achievement i ought to be celebrating. and it reminds me how important writing is in my life - because that's a third of my lifetime i will have been writing for. and mostly for this fandom, haha...

.°˖✧

looking on the fics i've written and finished this year, if i had to pick my favourite three, they'd probably be...

'Let Me Go' - i'm still patting myself on the back for this one. it's my favourite piece of nationverse i've written to date, and i could do so much with it...

'Want' - begging myself to write a sequel that i probably won't, but i can dream!

'Smokescreen' - ...it felt good to be bad, just for a little bit!

if i then think about my favourite aus in general from this year, then it's got to be:

the zoo au, from 'Lovebirds' because it's just CUTE, okay?

the RNLI au, from 'Swell', in which Arthur and Antonio are lifeboat volunteers (10/10 would write more)

the dragons au, from 'Scales' because worldbuilding is fun but also,, Rhys, my boy! :D

the school au, from 'The Note', for the memories it brings back and the reminder that i can write fluff, dammit!

and if only you guys knew the aus happening in my messages with maiva,, we are so smart we are so cool we are constantly drowning in cats :)

to conclude these little reflections on my year in fandom, things i'm a bit sad about:

i've given up on 'Bound' as a series - i just haven't been able to get anywhere with the plans or drafts i have, and i've lost my love for it, so it's officially parked.

'Hopeful Waters' will also definitely not continue - i will, however, not delete it as i have stopped myself from doing a million times this year. i may write snippets of 'what would have been' but my relationship with the fic is... largely negative, so i make no promise.

hetaween fics slipped through my darn fingers this year and i didn't write as much as i wanted. next year, i will return with vengeance... ùwú

and things i'm happy about or proud of from this year:

romespa ✨everything✨

i've written now well over a million words on ao3 which feels,, just surreal, honestly. 16 year old helia would never

i finally cleared out my ao3 inbox and stopped hoarding comments for months and i'm keeping on top of it!

i've continued to write dialogue prompt lists! it always makes me happy when i see others using them as well <3

.°˖✧

and so, looking at 2024...

next year, what i'm hoping above all else is that 'For Me?' reaches its conclusion. it's been slow-going this year with updates, and it's nearly two years old (ouch), but i'm now finally getting the plot back on track and i know my direction. i hope the wait will be worth it! i'm excited about what's to come for Antonio, Arthur, and the others :)

i also hope 'Bitter Teeth' keeps going strong. i hope i let myself take breaks without feeling so guilty. i hope i get more into historical hetalia again. i really want to explore the implications of the events of 'Let Me Go'. i hope i learn to love my unfinished works or abandoned wips. i hope i start sharing more of my ideas. i hope i learn it's okay to not always want to write the same characters over and over, even if they are my favourites.

really, i just want to keep moving forward. i want to keep writing. i want to keep loving writing. i want to keep exploring. i want to not succumb to negativity as much. i want to indulge even more in what i want and what i feel like.

oh, and i want more cat aus. sorry maiva. we're not finished.

.°˖✧

to finish, i just wanted to leave a little thanks to the friends i have here who read my stuff, who encourage me, and who give me the confidence to continue forwards. i treasure you. i hope you know who you are. and i offer you cookies, hugs, and well wishes for the year ahead 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

thank you guys for everything <3

[femmmie]

Let's go outside

"This needs to stop, Anthony... we are killers."

"We are finally what we are supposed to be, Ian. Together."

Ian was feeling Emotions.

He'd had a bad dream. One where Anthony killed everyone at Smosh and turned him into a vampire. But upon opening his eyes squinting against the blinding light of his bedroom lamp - too bright! - he heard his best friend say: "You're a vampire now, Ian, time to drink some more of my blood."

"What the FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Ian grabbed his head in agony.

"Dude, I know I know it's weird at first, but just do it. It will feel great!"

"Murderer..."

"Ian please we can get through this but you have to work with me. Drink my blood, here!"

Anthony bit into his own arm like it was a Kentucky Fried Chicken wing and black blood oozed out. The sight was disgusting, however, the smell... Faster than he'd ever moved, Ian went up to the bloody arm and drank. It felt better than he'd ever dared to dream. Anthony's strong arm, and vicinity helped a bit too, although Ian didn't allow himself to think of the unspeakable acts Anthony had committed. But they poured over in his mind, and he broke the sip.

"Fuck, Anthony what is this, I'm going insane..."

"No Ian, you're not going insane, you're fine! you're fine.."

Ian collapsed again, right into Anthony's arms. Anthony led him to his couch. His house looked nothing like it had before. It looked abandoned, like it was nobody's home. 

"I don't like it here," Ian said, eyes close, clinging to Anthony's bloody shirt. 

"Let's go outside then," Anthony said softly. 

They went onto Anthony's balcony. 

"Remember what I said about this balcony," Anthony said, forcing Ian to lock eyes with him. 

"Yeah, I remember everything about my entire life in way too much detail," Ian replied. But he knew what Anthony meant. 

"Ian, do you feel the same?" "I hate you. But yes, I love you too."

Anthony let out a sigh. A red tear formed in his eye. He ruffled Ian's hair and then grabbed hold of his head and planted a kiss on Ian's lips. It tasted divine, a sensation Ian had never felt with anyone, male or female. And he tasted something... something delicious. Anthony read him like a book. 

"I know you're not over the whole killing thing," he said and Ian pushed him away angrily. The emotions would be his undoing. "But you need to learn fast because you're going to get hangry and that's going to be a problem." 

"Okay fucking Edward, show me how to kill something."

"Someone." "Can't we eat animals?"

"No."

"Is there a way to kill me then, because I'm not killing."

"Ian! You wanted this, remember?"

"I wasn't exactly thinking straight!"

"Me neither, that blood of yours was way to good... made me feel the things I felt for you all those years but held back."

"Anthony, this is all too much. I am feeling it too, you know that. It was always mutual. Why the hell we held back at all is beyond me now."  Ian grabbed Anthony's hand. 

"But Anthony, you see, I actually can't. Won't, rather. I'd rather die, again."

"Oh for fuck's sake Ian, okay then we'll pull a True Blood and rob the blood bank!"

"Is that possible?" "I don't know! I've never tried!"

They sped like cars but they were just walking, it was truly weird. After a few seconds they were at the bank. It was dark and desolate. It was way after midnight. 

"Can we just walk in here?"

"Let me do it."

Anthony walked at human pace again, slowly to the blood bank. Ian had time to take in his surroundings, new senses still adjusting. He looked at his own hands. They were pale, of course. But he saw more sharp than ever, the details actually freaked him out a bit. And he listened. The city was so busy, so many people, so many heartbeats, Ian felt dizzy when he listened too much. But then it happened. A smell. So sweet, some kind of feral instinct took over. It was definitely a woman, a woman walking through the park he and Anthony had just crossed. Her perfume, her deodorant, her panties, but above all, her blood. Fresh blood was pumping furiously through her body, just begging to be drunk.

It all happened in a matter of seconds. Ian picked her up like she was a pebble in his hand, ran to a place where nobody saw them and then, wholly without thinking, crashed into her neck like it was the spring of life. He drank and drank and spilled a lot of blood as well. The woman didn't scream, just as he hadn't screamed. She lay limp in his arms now, dead. She had been beautiful, with a kind face. Ian dropped her onto the ground, horrified of what he had just done. But then the Feeling hit him. Stars before his eyes, he finally felt Alive, more alive than he'd been during his actual life. He felt so good, in fact that he danced around like an idiot. Then Anthony found him.

Two heavy bags dropped to the ground. "Ian!" He cried out, concerned. 

"I feel so good, Anthony!" "Oh, it's happened huh." "Yeah. I hate what I've become but I can't be bothered by it at the moment, let's dance, Anthony!" The two vampires danced around, and a different kind of lust developed. Laughing, Ian pushed Anthony against a tree. He kissed him, reveling in the feeling of finally allowing him to be in love with his best friend. He brushed through his beautiful brown hair with his hand, traced the dumb tattoos Anthony had set, with one sweep ripping his shirt off of him. 

"I really do hate your tattoos," he said as he kissed and licked them, cutting Anthony's flesh with his fangs. 

"I know, I set them to spite you," Anthony giggled. 

"We're finally going to fuck, huh." "Yes we are."

They made passionate love like only vampires do. Ian sucked on Anthony's dick and let him come all over his face. Then Ian fucked Anthony from behind. It hurt in the best way. And Anthony returned the favor, while scratching Ian's back deeply, leaving trails of black blood, resembling his own tattoos. They fell down into the grass, next to the dead woman, laughing but while he laughed, tears streamed down Ian's face. 

"This needs to stop, Anthony... we are killers."

"We are finally what we are supposed to be, Ian. Together."