#that's allowed me to feel 'okay..something is up' because what they had was definitely mutual

[yuseirra]

they used to be so soft

[m3vl0vesu]

I promised to try.2

A/N: What! Me? Writing fluff? A scandal!! Well here's part two of I promised to try, kept it nice and short this time because yup.

part 1

“In and out, just like how I taught you.”

.

.

. A heavy hand squeezed your shoulder, you knew that voice. He came, of course he did. For some reason his stoic presence calms you down, and it was embarrassing. So embarrassing how he’d seen you this weak so many times. You were sure that he looked down on you.

“Do you want me to take down the clock?”

That was an obvious yes, it just made you feel ashamed that it still triggered you. You thought that you had it under control, clearly not. Hey-at least this was an excuse to go shopping. Plus, who needs clocks, phones tell the time! 

“Miss…” he sighed. Great now you’ve disappointed him, a long silence followed before he spoke again. “Come on, I have just the thing that’ll lift your spirits.”

Oh. Okay, that was a better response than what you were thinking. Since you needed some light you followed him, following the familiar steps to the kitchen. A sweet aroma filled the room, something warm but your happiness was quickly wrong. “Alfred. Someone else is in here-” The lights clicked on, the ‘someone’ was actually light eyes. Something you started calling him, in all honesty you thought they would glow in the dark. Pretty sure they did once.

They came back pretty early, it was only 3 am. Tim sat on the kitchen island, holding a cup of hot cocoa, his nose red and runny. He was muttering something, it sounded funny since his voice was all nasally. He was an odd kid. “Hey Tim, what's wrong?” A small smirk on your face as you looked at him, he didn’t respond but Alfred did. “Master Tim here didn’t go on patrol tonight.” “And it’s not fair! You're not out there either, so Bruce could definitely…” 

He continued on his rants, they were getting easier to tune out. You looked at Alfred, it didn’t make sense in you. “Yes Miss.. Bruce didn’t allow Tim on Patrol.” His smile was soft, there was a mutual understanding between you. Bruce had listened to you, he had cared. At least this once, Alfred was right; it did lift your spirits, just a little. Maybe he was going to change, maybe he was going to come back, or maybe this was a one off thing. You didn’t know anymore, but Tim was still upset. 

Even though you were glad that he stayed home the manor he had a good reason to be upset, his worries were actual worries. “Hey, light eyes…” you were going to tell him it wasn’t his job, you wanted to comfort him but you also knew how the words would just phase through him, “you should add marshmallows to that.” Looking at Alfred, who already had the marshmallows in hand, you sat next to him. “Here.” The way his eyes lit up at the sight of them made you giggle, he really was just a kid. After you over loaded his hot cocoa with marshmallows and whipped cream Alfred gave you your own. Which became too sweet after you turned your back towards the thirteen year old. It reminded you of those nights, when it had been a particular bad fight with some villain.

Dick, Jason and you would sneak into the kitchen and make nonsense concoctions, your favourite would be the mug-cakes. Boy did that take a lot of trial and error…

Looking at the now sleeping Tim, you realised something. You don’t want him to be Jason, not like anyone could be Jason, but you want him to be your brother, you want to make new memories with him. While also enjoying the old ones. 

.

.

.

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

A Healing Kiss

This fic will cover my "Let me kiss it better." square on my 2nd @jacklesversebingo card. The prompt will be in bold.

Summary: Y/N causes Dean a bit of damage. Can she fix it with a...kiss?

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Just a little bit of smutty goodness. Blowjob. slight handjob. Oral (m receiving). Implied oral (f receiving). Crack if you squint.

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,968

A/N: Here is the next request for my second @jacklesversebingo card. It came from @suckitands33 :

Oh I’d love ‘let me kiss it better’ how about along the lines of flirting Dean and reader. Nothing actually happening though then reader hurts Dean in the dick and balls by mistake and says that ‘line’ and dean thinks she’s joking but she follows through with it. Love a bit of mutual pining then they give in to their desires. 🙏🏼

The pining ended up being a bit more from the reader's POV, but there's a hint that Dean's in the same mindset. Hope you enjoy it, hon! Hope everyone enjoys it! If you do, please don't forget to reblog, comment and/or like. I so appreciate it! ❤️

The beautiful dividers are created by @talesmaniac89 .

“Shit! Shit! I'm so sorry!”

Y/N winced as Dean just groaned out his pain and rolled into the fetal position. 

“Dean! I'm so sorry!” She repeated, kneeling beside him, hands running up and down his sweaty bicep. “I just stumbled, I was aiming for your thigh.”

She grimaced again as she remembered the powerful kick she'd delivered, intending to connect with his meaty thigh, a move he could have blocked, or taken easily. They were training and Dean was on the attack, she was on the defense. But she’d just lost her center of gravity for a half second as she shot her foot out and she stumbled, landing the blow to a much more sensitive area.

Dean just waved at her as he sucked in deep breaths. She wasn’t sure if he was telling her it was okay, or telling her to get lost. Eventually he pulled himself up and disappeared into the bathroom. She thought he might be checking for permanent damage. She grabbed the bucket and filled it with ice from the machine just outside their room.

She knocked on the door of the bathroom. “Dean? I have some ice for you.”

The door opened a crack, but only Dean’s big hand stuck out, reaching for the bucket. He groped in the air for a minute until she grabbed his wrist and set the bucket on his palm. It disappeared back inside and the lock clicked. 

She sighed and flopped down on her bed. This was definitely not how she’d wanted this evening to go.

This was only the third time she’d been out hunting with the Winchesters; there was a lull in the case and they had to wait until the next day to interview a couple of witnesses to what they were fairly certain was a demon possession. So Sam was off with the pretty librarian they’d met earlier, and had texted Dean not to wait up. 

So it was just the two of them in the motel. This was the first time they'd ever been completely alone for any length of time and Y/N was feeling the tension. She felt as though there had always been a bit of something between them, just a spark that sprang to life sometimes, a touch here and there that felt like it could be much more if they allowed it.

Or at least, she thought there was a spark. She was a tiny bit worried she'd become delusional because of how badly she wanted the green-eyed hunter. So when Dean had suggested they spend their evening getting in some training, Y/N had jumped at the chance, hoping he was suggesting it as a way for them to get close - and physical. 

She did her best to be at least a little subtle in her excitement over the prospect of sweaty, hand to hand grappling with the hottest fucking man she’d ever known. Since they’d met less than a year before she hadn’t been able to get him out of her head. She was crossing every finger she had that this evening would lead to something she’d been craving for a very long time.

Everything Dean did was sexy, every part of him made her melt - his thick, solid, hunter’s body, long and powerful and begging to be taken for a ride. His deep, rumbling voice, like a shot of strong whiskey, always made her shiver. His eyes and the way they held secrets and promises in equal measure within their mossy green depths. And that mouth - Jesus, it should be illegal for a man to have a mouth that pretty.

He was basically walking temptation and she desperately wanted to give in. 

But now, instead of using their physical closeness and panting exertion to finally get him naked, she’d probably made it impossible for him to have children. She clapped her hands to her face and tried not to scream.

Finally, ten minutes later, Dean came out of the bathroom. Y/N sat up as he set the bucket of melting ice onto the counter beside the coffee maker. She scrunched up her face in sympathy. 

“I’m really sorry.”

But Dean just shook his head and fell onto his bed. “Nah, it’s fine, sweetheart. I’ll live. But you should definitely use that kick on a bad guy; he’ll be down and out like that.” He said with a snap of his fingers.

Y/N bit her lip. “Good to know.”

Dean folded his arms behind his head and grinned at her. “Where’d you learn that little ninja kick, by the way? It’s pretty badass.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s much more badass when I don’t stumble and miss my target.”

Dean chuckled. “Well, I will admit that wasn’t exactly how I was hoping our sparring session would end.”

Y/N’s stomach clenched. She licked her lips, eyes locked with his. “Really? How uh…how were you hoping it would end?”

Those wicked promises were back in his gaze as he shrugged and smirked. “I was hoping to win, of course.”

“Ah, of course.” Y/N said, trying to gauge his mood. Was this friendly flirting or something more real? “Sorry I nailed you in the nads instead.”

Dean chuckled again, a low rumble. “I feel like that apology wasn’t as sincere as the others.”

Trying hard not to think of the consequences if she was reading him wrong, Y/N got up to walk to his bed and sit down at his hip. “I’m sorry, Dean.” She said sincerely, but slightly breathless. “Let me kiss it better.”

Dean’s eyes widened and warmed. His tongue darted out and he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it for a moment before letting it go, leaving it plump and wet and enticing. He forced another small laugh and a smirk. “That’s funny, sweetheart.”

Y/N smiled and then moved her hand to his belt buckle, just resting it there. “And if I wasn’t joking?”

Dean breathed out roughly, his eyes downcast and staring at her hand. When they raised back to hers, the pupils were bleeding into his bright green irises. “Then I’d say, it will probably take more than a kiss to make it all better.”

Y/N’s grin became wicked as she worked at his belt with one hand. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Dean’s breathing picked up as she unzipped his jeans and reached her hand inside. She groaned along with him as she ran her hand over his underwear and along his incredible length. He was semi-hard already and so thick it made Y/N’s mouth water.

She tugged on his jeans and he lifted his hips to let her pull them off. She climbed onto the bed and straddled his bare legs before running her hands up his thighs. She dug her nails into the thick, meaty muscles there and Dean hissed.

She bent her head down and pushed his t-shirt up so she could lay wet, sucking kisses across his flat stomach. She lowered the waistband of his boxer briefs just a bit so she could bite into the taut v-shaped muscle that disappeared into his underwear, making Dean buck slightly beneath her.

He moved his hands from behind his head to grip the sheets in his big fists as Y/N slid down his body slightly so she could place a light kiss to the thick ridge straining against the black cotton.

“All better?” She teased. Dean huffed out a laugh and his voice was pure rasp as he answered.

“Not quite.”

She hummed and nodded. “Better get a closer look then.”

She slowly peeled his snug briefs down over his hips. He lifted for her again briefly and she freed his dick to slap against his lower abdomen. 

“Fuck me.” She said quietly as she took in the beauty of his perfectly marbled cock, long and thick and leaking.

“That's the idea, sweetheart.” Dean said with a breathy chuckle.

She leaned down to kiss the very tip, flicking her tongue into his slit and making his cock twitch. She moaned as she wrapped her hand around the base and couldn’t quite make her fingers touch. She began placing feather light kisses all along the shaft and she could feel it throb beneath her lips.

She pushed it flat against his stomach and swirled her tongue around each of his balls, earning a grunt and a ragged curse from Dean.

“Fuck Y/N, fuck.” He mumbled.

She mouthed her way up his shaft, teasing and tormenting him by occasionally scraping her teeth very gently over his velvety skin. Finally she closed her mouth tight around the tip pulling in her cheeks and sucking on him like a popsicle. He groaned deeply and her core muscles clenched painfully.

His left hand moved into her hair and he gave it a tug as she slid further down his length. “Yes, baby take it all, swallow me down.” He ground out between clenched teeth.

Y/N hummed her agreement and pushed down as far as she could, till he was touching the back of her throat. She dropped her jaw, and let go of the base of his dick so she could plant her hands on the mattress on either side of his hips and arch her neck so that she could take his whole cock, pressing her nose against his pelvic bone and letting him stretch her throat.

Dean’s hips bucked and she pulled all the way off of him, letting her spit and his cum keep them connected as she looked up the length of his body to watch him push his head back into the pillow and growl. His hand in her hair kept tugging and pulling as she began bobbing up and down on his cock. The slight sting spurred her on, and she moved faster and faster on him, letting him hit the back of her throat every time.

She pushed down hard on him and the spongy head of his cock slipped down her throat once again. She swallowed around him, and then sealed her lips tight and sucked hard as she pulled back up.

Dean pushed against her shoulders. “Fuck, I’m close, I’m gonna cum.”

Y/N gripped his dick in her hand again, pumping it a few times, before she opened her mouth wide and bounced his heavy cock against her tongue. Her saliva ran down his length, allowing her hand to glide over him smoothly as she kept milking him. Finally with a fierce yell, Dean gushed into her mouth and down her chin. 

She pumped him through his whole climax, licking and sucking on him as his hips stuttered and he finally fell back onto the mattress, spent and panting. Y/N cleaned him up with her tongue, making sure she got every drop.

As his breathing normalized and began to even out Dean grabbed her wrist and yanked her forward to fall across him. He brought her mouth to his and kissed her long and hard, not caring that he could taste himself on her lips. He rolled her over and pinned her beneath him before pushing to his knees and yanking his shirt off so he was completely naked. She was still fully dressed.

He tugged on her t-shirt. “Gotta do something about this.” He said as he pulled it off. 

Y/N giggled breathlessly and then gasped as he moved to unzip her jeans. “Does this mean my kiss worked?” She gasped. “Feeling all better now?”

Dean yanked down her jeans and panties with one tug and groaned as he saw how wet she already was. 

He nodded. “Yeah, much better, but now I’m starving.” He said with a grin before sinking down to feast.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 2.4

It's in the paper that Allen Klein was involved in 40+ lawsuits and John doesn't question it? At this point, I feel like he just didn't want to let Paul be right about anything. 

My question is who did that work on before? I mean who fucking does business like that? Let alone business with the most successful man in the world. 

John's complaining about Paul being too good at his job is both hilarious (what the hell is Paul supposed to do with that) and sad (it shows just how far their musical relationship has degraded from partners to rivals)

How did they lose Northern Songs? Genuinely, if anyone can break it down for me I'd be so grateful. Anyway I'm sure it was devastating for both of them. “Who'd have the children?” “Dick James”. 

I know I'm insane, but can I be allowed to see a glimmer of goodness here? I really do think it's John's kinder side winning out when he decides not to lie. Like, yes, he gets a buzz off of watching Paul go white at his words, but I think he also just – in that moment – didn't have the heart to trick Paul into staying. 

But also. Why are we trying to maneuver Paul at all if the end game is for John to leave? It just doesn't make sense to try to trick Paul into signing the contract unless John's divorce threat is at the very least not meant to be final. 

I will never understand this picture. Even in the emotional state he's in, he's still hamming it up? There is something seriously wrong with this man. 

I do find it interesting that the fact that Paul cried his eyes out after that meeting isn't even mentioned in the doc. I wonder why. 

Let's put the bizarre, super-warped timeline in this quote aside for a minute. Apparently the depression started after Brian died and it lasted for about two years and John was still in it during Pepper. Okay. That aside . . .

I have to assume this negative lense on what I can only assume means the period between 66 and 68 is highly influenced by hindsight bias. I agree that John was depressed at the time, in an unhappy marriage, doing too much LSD, etc and that looking at Paul's prolific talent and expansive , fast-paced life would have been maddening. But everyone go back to the end of part one really quick. He looks extremely happy. He sounds extremely happy. Everyone who knows him says he's never been happier. I think he just can't accept right now that there was so much good and he's lost it. 

“I look from the wings at the play you are staging . . . I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love.”

Insanity quote Hall of Fame. Paul explaining why the Beatles just had to break up, obviously, because he and John "didn't marry the same girl." Someone write the fic where John and Paul both marry the same girl. Could be Yoko or Linda. Sister trad wives au. 

Okay, cool, so this means I have full permission to interpret and tin hat about any lyrics I want then, right?

But also. Are we just not going to talk about the fact that Paul dumped a bucket of garbage water and punched this person? And are we not mentioning the depression and alcoholism and heroin abuse during this time?

It's so embarrassing how he looks to her for confirmation here. John, they asked you what you think. Just you. Not some complicated definition. Not Yoko's definition. Just your own thoughts.

“I couldn't wait for them to make up their mind about peace or whatever. About committing themselves.” Yeah, John. You sound real committed to peace. Or whatever. Here's a theory that anyone can shoot down if they want: John asked Paul for some kind of commitment (a friendship wedding, a partnership contract, a mutual wanking pledge) in India and Paul was a chicken about it. 

What was that day like, I wonder? I imagine extremely stiff and professional and horrid. But who knows. Maybe it was nice, and maybe that made everything worse.

I will go to my death believing that instant karma was for Paul. 

Do we think John actually did send Paul “about twenty postcards from Denmark” all covered in hearts none of which Paul responded to? Paul could be just as cruel in his lack of reaction as John was in his over reaction.

I'm sorry but that is not what a man says when he's just lying to the press to buy time for business. That's what a man says to the press when he's trying desperately to communicate with someone who he can't get through to any other way. 

But really, I just don't understand why the creator chose to minimize Paul's emotional response to John's divorce statement. If we don't see him bawling his eyes out and losing the will to live, he comes off like a self-assured, uncaring, jerk. Which. To be fair. John didn't see those things, and that is exactly what John thought of Paul during this time. But still. The audience now comes away from this doc with a skewed view. 

All we get is Paul being pissed off about Phil Spector butchering Let it Be without his consent and John and George trying to change McCartney's release date without his consent. Which are both a) understandable and b) strong, male, angry reactions. Making this section portray Paul in the same one-dimensional hyper-masculine way that John so often is. Which isn't my favorite. But hey, it's my only complaint about this doc so far.

Anyway, update: I won't be able to do part three until it gets reuploaded, so we're on hiatus for this project for the time being.

[pedroscurls]

Dirty Little Secret (Part 6).

Character(s): no-outbreak, age-gap!Joel Miller x fem!Reader Summary: Drew finds out about you and Joel and more confessions are made.   Word count: 2.9k  A/N: We're getting close to the end of this story! I just want to extend my gratitude to everyone who's read this, who have left comments... It really means a lot!🫶 Warning: age-gap (Joel is in his 50s, reader is in her early-30s), very brief mentions of childhood trauma (neglect) SERIES MASTERLIST - ultimate masterlist

“Do you love her?” 

The question repeats itself in Joel’s mind as he’s staring at Drew. He only takes a quick glance in the direction you walked in when he sees a figure in his peripheral. It isn’t you and he’s become very aware of the disappointment that settles in the pit of his stomach. 

“I’ve fallen in love with you!” 

It’s all Joel can think about. Joel can hear the crack in your voice, can see the tears in your eyes. He knows how conflicted you must feel because this was never meant to happen. This was never meant to become more serious than it did - Joel knows. 

But he never planned on falling in love with you either.

“I ain’t answerin’ that, Drew.” Joel finally replies. 

Drew tightens his jaw. He can feel the protectiveness wash over him, can feel the tug in his heart when he sees you walk away on the verge of tears. Drew had always felt protective over you, almost like an older brother wanting to shield you from the pain and hurt of this world. What he didn’t expect was that his soon-to-be father-in-law would be the source of your tears, but also the reason why he had noticed a shift in your behavior in the last two months. 

“You know she doesn’t ever open herself up to the idea of being loved like that,” Drew says, stepping closer to Joel. In that moment, Drew forgets for a split second that this is Sarah’s dad, that this is going to be his father-in-law in a matter of a few days. “And you–”

“I suggest you take a step back from me, Drew.” Joel interrupts. “I don’t need to answer your question.”

“You can’t hurt her.” Drew says, ignoring Joel. Instead, he takes a step closer, nose-to-nose with the older man. Drew is the same height as Joel, but definitely not as broad. “She deserves–”

“I know!” Joel exclaims. “Ya don’t think I know that she deserves the goddamn world, Drew? Ya don’t think I know that she deserves someone better than me?” 

“She loves you,” Drew whispers. “I never thought that she would… That she would allow herself to ever fall in love. Not after her parents, not after her mom…” He takes a step back and looks at Joel, taking note of the look in the older man’s face. He doesn’t need Joel to answer, doesn’t need a verbal confirmation from the older man because he can see it. 

“I know,” Joel repeats. “I didn’t– This wasn’t planned. We just… It just happened.”

“When did this start?” 

Joel sighs. “About two months ago.” 

“You met her two months ago.”

“Right.” 

“Oh my god, did this happen the first time you met her? When I introduced you to her?” 

Joel nods. “There was a mutual attraction, sure. But it didn’t happen until–”

“Okay, okay. I get it.” Drew shakes his head and then continues, “Sarah’s going to lose her shit.” 

Joel runs a hand over his face and then takes a long swig of his beer. He thinks it’s going to help, that the alcohol will somehow numb him of the feelings that are threatening to surface after so long of pushing it down and ignoring it. “I know.” 

“We can’t,” Drew sighs. “We can’t tell her. Not until after the wedding.”

Joel nods in agreement. He looks inside the building and catches a glimpse of you. He can see the smile on your face but notices how it doesn’t reach your eyes like it usually does. Your arms are crossed over your chest, almost like you’re guarding yourself (and your heart). He wants nothing more than to take you away from here and admit to you how he really feels. 

“I didn’t expect for this to be something more,” Joel admits. “But she– she’s somethin’. She just makes me feel like I matter, y’know? Ain’t no other woman’s made me feel the way she does.” 

Drew nods. “You’re happy,” he points out.

“Since meeting her, yeah,” Joel replies. 

“Then you better make things right.” Drew says. “Don’t let her go, Joel. Knowing her, she’s not going to want to fight for this. She’s going to want to run from it… So, don’t let her.” Drew sighs, looking inside the building and noticing you and Sarah talking amongst one another. “I’ve never seen her like this and I should have known something was different, especially in Vegas. She deserves the world, yeah, but something’s telling me that it’s you.”

“But the age gap–”

“She always liked older men,” Drew interrupts. “Her life… She never had it easy, but if she really does love you, then she deserves to know whether or not you love her too.” 

“Right, and this ain’t weird?” Joel asks. “Me and your best friend?” 

Drew shrugs. “A little bit, but she deserves to be happy for once.”

Joel’s about to respond, but he’s interrupted by a few people calling him and Drew to join them inside with the rest of the party. Joel nods and shares a look with Drew before following the younger man inside. 

—

After the wedding rehearsal, you manage to leave the party without encountering Joel. In fact, after your sudden confession, you ignored him the entire night and he actually gave you the space that you asked for. Still, your eyes would meet his and he’d just give you a single nod. You know he wants to talk to you, wants to address what you had said earlier, but you don’t let him. 

So, when you finally make it back home, changed out of your dress, make-up wiped off, you’re surprised to hear a knock at your door. Expecting it to be Joel, you don’t answer it. Instead, you stay in your room, curled up in your bed with his side vacant. You had gotten so used to him spending nights at your apartment that it became second nature for you to keep his side of your bed open for him. 

The knocking on the door continues, followed by the continuous sounds of your doorbell. You realize that it isn’t Joel because Joel wouldn’t be this annoying. Then, your phone rings. 

Drew. 

You don’t answer it. It rings again. 

You’re starting to get irritated. So, you stand up and walk to your front door, opening it to see Drew standing on the other side of it. 

“Are you ignoring me?” 

“I just want to be alone.” 

“I heard everything.” 

“I know.”

“So… You gonna let me in so we can talk about it?” 

“And if I say no?” 

Drew sighs and steps inside anyway. “That’s not an option and you know it.” 

“Sure, Drew. Come on in. Take a seat. Let me tell you how I’ve fallen in love with your father-in-law.” You roll your eyes and close your front door, walking towards your kitchen to pour him a glass of water. You’ve always been known to use sarcasm as a defense mechanism, to hide the pain, but Drew knows better.

Drew says your name and you look over at him to see the serious look in his face. You sigh and set the glass down on your dining table. Drew doesn’t take it. Instead, he walks over to you and looks into your eyes. 

“You love him.”

“I’m not supposed to.” 

“You can’t control who you fall in love with.” 

“I can try.”

Drew sighs. “You’re not your parents. You’re not your mom.”

“You don’t know that.” You can feel tears threatening to spill over again. “It was never meant to be like this…” you whisper. “It was just supposed to be– We were only supposed to have fun.” 

“Yeah, well, feelings do usually get involved. Eventually.” 

“Not me,” you shake your head. “I’ve told myself that I’m not meant to settle down. I’m not meant to–”

“But you are,” Drew finishes. “You deserve to love… to be loved.”

You shake your head, tears slowly beginning to trickle down your cheeks. Your entire life, you’ve always felt like you weren’t worthy enough to have that kind of love that’s written in books, shown in movies. Growing up, it seemed like your mother made it her mission to let you know just how unworthy you are. 

And it also didn’t help when your father didn’t want anything to do with you after he and your mom divorced. 

“He deserves someone better than me,” you whisper, voice shaky. “Joel deserves someone that isn’t broken…”

Drew bites his lower lip and pulls you into his arms. He knows it’s coming, knows that you’re about to break down and so, he just holds you. Drew becomes your anchor (like he always did) but you find that you’re missing something - someone - because while Drew has always made you feel safe, this doesn’t make you feel better.

You want someone else’s arms around you. 

You want someone else to console you.

You want someone else to tell you that you’re worth it. 

You want Joel. 

But instead, you allow yourself to release the pent up emotions that you kept bottled in all day. You cry against Drew and he rubs your back, tries to help you calm down, and urges you to take deep breaths. He’s used to this. He’s used to consoling you, but it’s never because of this. 

Because of your fear of opening yourself up to someone. 

Because of the love that fills your heart for Joel. 

Joel. 

“I really do love him, Drew,” you whisper, pulling away only to wipe your eyes. “And I didn’t plan to. I know– I know he’s Sarah’s dad, and your father-in-law, but–”

“You can’t control who you fall in love with,” Drew repeats. “If he makes you happy, makes you feel safe, that’s all that matters to me. We’ve been by each other’s side for most of our lives and I’ve never seen you like this about someone.” 

“Sarah’s gonna kill me,” you sigh. 

Drew shrugs. “Maybe not. You might be surprised.”

“Oh my god, does she know?” 

“No,” Drew sighs. “Joel and I agreed not to tell her until after the wedding.”

“Oh, so you talked to Joel.”

“I did.”

You nod and move to sit at your dining table. You grab the glass of water instead and down half the contents then look up at Drew. “I told him to give me space.” 

“Do you really want him to give you space?” 

You shake your head. “I just–”

“You want him here,” Drew finishes.

You nod, biting your lower lip.

“Then stop being stubborn and just go after him.” 

“I’m not–”

“He might love you too,” Drew interrupts. “Wouldn’t that be a good thing? That someone you love feels the same way? That everything you feel for him is exactly how he feels about you?”

“But what if… What if it doesn’t work out? That everything I put into it just isn’t enough?” 

“I won’t lie. That’s a possibility, but every relationship takes a risk.” Drew answers. “But are you willing to take a risk for something that can be worth it or live the rest of your life wondering what if I just tried?” 

“I’m scared,” you confess. “I’m scared of becoming like my parents, of becoming like my mom...”

“Your parents��� relationship will not be your own,” Drew says. “You are nothing like your mom.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, for one, you’re not selfish. You care about the people you love and you’d do anything for them. Your mom… She wasn’t like that.”

You nod, biting your lower lip as flashes of your childhood enter your mind. Drew’s right. Your mom only looked after herself, always looking for love in the wrong places, especially after the divorce. She cared more about getting alcohol and being loved by toxic men that she didn’t care much about you. 

“I don’t know what to do, Drew.” 

“Yeah, you do.” Drew sighs. “Just get your head out of your ass and just go to him.” 

“What if he doesn’t want to see me?” 

“The entire time we were talking, he kept looking over to see if he could find you. Something tells me that he doesn’t want to give you space like you asked, but he’s respecting your choice. He’s giving you space like you asked, even if it’s hurting him.” 

“Okay,” you finally say. “Okay.” 

“Great. Grab your bag. I’m taking you.”

“Wait, right now?” 

“Yes, right now.”

“It’s almost midnight!” 

“Yeah, but I know you. You can change your mind quickly, so I’d rather take you now so you don’t have the chance to go back on it.” 

You narrow your eyes and stand up to gently punch his shoulder. “You know, sometimes I hate that you know me so well.” 

Drew chuckles and stands up to pull you into a hug. “I just want you happy and it seems like Joel helps you become the person you’ve always meant to be.”

“And what type of person is that?” 

“Free.” 

“Free?” 

Drew nods. “It just seems like since meeting him, you’re not so concerned about… Everything.” 

“He makes me feel safe, Drew…”

“Then, let’s get you to your safe place then.” 

—

Drew pulls up to Joel’s house a half hour past midnight. It’s dark, the lights in the house are off, and you’re sure that Joel’s asleep. Your mind is all over the place, but Drew is there to hold you accountable, to make sure you see to it that you at least have a conversation with Joel. He’s right, though. Throughout the car ride, you want to tell him to turn back, that you changed your mind, that you’re not ready, but now that you’re at the front of Joel’s house, you can’t go back. 

Especially since Drew turns off his car and steps out to knock on Joel’s front door. You don’t have time to think anymore because you see the porch light turn on, followed by the door opening. You can see his shadow, can see him bring his hand up to rub the sleep from his eyes. Then, he steps out further into the light and you see that he’s wearing a dark t-shirt and boxers. His hair is disheveled, almost like he had been tossing and turning in bed. 

Drew points in the direction over his shoulder and you step out of his car. You see Joel finally notice you and you can see the relief in his features. Drew calls your name once, twice, before you begin walking in his direction. Once you’re standing in front of Joel, you yearn to reach out for him, to have him pull you into his arms like he usually did. 

“You gonna be okay?” Drew asks, turning to look at you.

“You brought me here. A little too late to be asking me that, don’t you think?” You bite back. 

Drew chuckles and pulls you into a hug. “You’re worthy,” he whispers. “Believe that.” 

He pulls away and looks over at Joel, reaching out to shake his hand. “I know she’ll be in good hands.” Drew says and turns on his heel to walk back towards his car, leaving you and Joel standing on his front porch.

“Um, ya wanna come in?” Joel asks. 

“Sure.” 

Joel steps inside and holds the door open for you to step inside. Once you do, you remove your shoes and feel the warmth of his home. He turns on the lights in his living room and hallway before he leads you towards the kitchen. He begins making a pot of coffee when he suddenly feels your arms wrap around him from behind. Joel lets out a sigh and turns around in your arms, looking down at you as his arms snake around your shoulders. 

“Y’okay?” Joel whispers. 

“No.” 

“Wanna talk ‘bout it?” 

“I think we should.” 

Joel nods. “Okay, darlin’. Coffee first?” 

“Yes, please.” 

“Black, right?” 

You let the corner of your lips curl upwards. “You remember.”

“‘Course I do. I remember everything when it comes to you.” Joel kisses your forehead lightly, lingering for a second longer, before he pulls away to finish making the coffee. 

You bite your lower lip at his words, feeling the butterflies begin to swarm in the pit of your stomach like it usually did whenever you were around him. You lean up to press a gentle kiss on the back of his shoulder before you pull away to walk towards his living room, sitting on his couch and pulling your legs underneath you. 

A few minutes later, Joel walks into the room holding two mugs of coffee. He hands one over to you and you take it willingly, taking a careful sip before you place it on the coffee table. Joel does the same and then takes a seat next to you. It’s quiet, the tension thickening in the air. 

“We don’t have to talk about anything, darlin’,” Joel says first. “Not if you don’t want to. I’m just fine with you bein’ here. With me.” 

“I owe you an apology… for earlier.” 

“No, baby… You ain’t gotta apologize–”

You sigh. “I ran away because I was scared.” 

“I know,” he says quietly. Joel hesitantly reaches out for you and you scoot closer to him. When his arms wrap around your frame, you let out a contented sigh and lean against him, shutting your eyes. “I ain’t ever wanna let you go, darlin’,” he admits quietly. “And I’m scared too… But I think you’re worth it.”

“I think you’re worth it.” 

The words echo in your mind and you open your eyes to look up at him. Joel’s already staring at you, the same look he always gives you. 

“And what if– What if I don’t think I’m worth it?”

—

taglist: @she-could-never | @joeldjarin | @janaispunk | @jessie8605 | @untamedheart81 | @paleidiot | @vickie5446 | @casa-boiardi | @ashleymsnodgrass | @lizzie-cakes

—

prev. - next.

[angelblacksmith]

Scared (X.T)

Summary: The reader knows about his feelings for his best friend, but how mutual will they be?

Pairing: fem!reader x Xavier Thrope

Warning: little angsty, kiss, a lot off fluff

Word count: 1.1k

A/n: hello everyone! I haven't been here for a long time, but this boy made me rise from the ashes.

It shouldn't escalate into this. So you assured yourself. He was your best friend. He was always there for you when you were feeling bad. He made you happy. You didn't realize at what point your feelings turned from just friendly to romantic. But it definitely wasn't friendship. From your side, of course.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚　˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

It's been a week since you realized you were in love with a tall boy. Your relationship hasn't changed much. He was still the best person in your life. You were still his best friend. You sat together in all the lessons. After lessons, you listened to music and watched him draw. Everything was fine. And you didn't want to ruin it. You didn't want your feelings to worsen your relationship. No, that's definitely not going to happen. So you assured yourself.

You were sitting on Xavier's bed. As usual, you had to go to his creative studio. But because of the heavy rain, this was not possible. Therefore, it was decided to stay with Xavier and watch some insipid comedy.

"What are you thinking about?" Xavier lay down on the bed and waited for you to follow his example. Your laptop was in his hands, and he was choosing a movie. You were sitting on the other side of the bed. Your thoughtful gaze shifted from Xavier's hands to his shoulders and settled on his expression. Xavier was calm, his eyelashes were fluttering, and his lips were slightly pursed. Your heart beat a little faster in your chest when he looked at you. You slowly looked away and turned your back on him. "Is everything okay? You didn't answer the question." Xavier reached up to your back and stroked your spine with his fingertips. You were slouching a little. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

You shook your head negatively. Pulling a smile, you turned to the boy. "It's okay. I'm sorry I made you worry. " Xavier was definitely not satisfied with your answer, so he pushed the laptop away and sat up on the bed, being right behind you. "You haven't been yourself lately." Xavier put his arm around your shoulders. "I don't think everything is good." You exhaled wearily.

"It's okay. I'm serious." You turned around in his arms so that he could see your expression. "Are you sure?" The boy tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. You abruptly moved away and jokingly pushed Xavier away and sat facing him, bending your legs into the lotus position. "I'm fine. Stop asking."

Xavier was looking at you with slightly narrowed eyes. Probably to be sure to see a hint of a lie in the expression of your face or eyes. "It's just something..."

Xavier immediately perked up and smiled noticeably relaxed. "You know you can tell me everything y/n." You nodded affirmatively. "What is this 'something'?" You exhaled and began to pick up options in your head, as if not to blurt out too much. "Let's just say it's not something, but someone..."

Now Xavier has become even more interested in dialogue. "So who is this someone." You smiled softly when you saw a fox-like smile begin to appear on Xavier's face. "Is that a girl? Is that a guy? Do you like him? Do I know him?". He couldn't wait to find out the answers.

"It's a guy. A very, very nice guy. Xavier nodded. "You know him." You paused and lowered your head down. "I won't tell you anything else."

"Okay, is he cuter than me? Higher?" You rolled your eyes and pinched his arm lightly. Xavier gasped. "Okay, okay, I get it. Only then explain why this nice guy of yours allows you to be in such a depressed state for a whole week." You opened your mouth a little. The gears in your head were working fast, trying to find the answer. Having come up with nothing better, you decided to tell, in your opinion, the truth.

"My love is not reciprocal." Xavier tsked and lightly stroked your knuckles and looked into your eyes, thereby trying to support you. "Then he's a fool. And he definitely doesn't deserve you." You let out a little laugh. "I'm serious. You're gorgeous."A slight half-smile spread on your lips and your cheeks became a little pinker. "Don't be embarrassed. If he can't understand it, then he's just an asshole. You are the most beautiful, kind, funny and cool girl I have ever met. And he's an idiot."

You closed your eyes. "You don't even know who it is." Hearing Xavier's laughter, you opened your eyes again. "I don't need to know him, it's enough that I know you." You sniffled. It feels like tears are about to pour out of your eyes. Raising your head to the ceiling, you tried to blink so that this would not happen. "If I had my way, I would make you the happiest in the world and wouldn't let you cry like that." You smirked and lowered your head.

"Good. I believe you." Your words sounded quiet. Very quiet. But Xavier heard them anyway. "If it were my will t/and I swear." Xavier took your hand. You grinned. "You already make me happy. Every day..." Xavier interrupted you. "Y/n you know what I mean."

"No, I don't understand. And even if I understand, I'm very afraid. I'm very afraid and scared, Xavier. I'm very scared. I love you, and I'm scared." You said it almost in one breath and closed your eyes. There was silence.

"I really want to kiss you now, but I'm afraid I'll make a mistake." You've opened your eyes. Xavier laughed, but there was an expression of embarrassment on his face. You carefully leaned closer, so that a couple of centimeters remained between you. "Why are you making a mistake?" Xavier shrugged his shoulders. "I never thought that my feelings were mutual. Because you... It's you and wow. And you're excellent, but I am... Just me, I suppose?" You laughed. "Okay, then I have to assure you. You moved even closer. "That I'm experiencing the same thing. And you definitely won't make a mistake. At least, the mistake is no worse than me." You smiled. A couple of seconds and Xavier shortened the remaining distance and gently touched your lips with his lips. The kiss was soft, slow, careful. Xavier grabbed you by the waist. A short break between a kiss, and you're already lying under it. Gradually, the kiss turned into a lingering and not so gentle. His hands slowly crept under your T-shirt, exposing your stomach.

Xavier pressed his forehead against yours. His breathing was labored. "Still scared?"

"Not at all."

[dangerpronebuddie]

(Hold onto your hoola hoops, folks, I wrote this at 2am after a paper that fought me tooth and nail, so if it makes no sense I'm sorry 😁)

Okay. I can't stop thinking we're in for some Eddie whump. (The whumper in me says we're overdue pero ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ that's beside the point). Anyway. The foreshadowing has been in the making since 4x14, and with them discussing that arc so much, I can't help feeling like they'll bring up something about it. (Under the cut, cause this gets a bit long)

This show doesn't often leave storylines open, so addressing the will again is inevitable. But what would prompt it? Eddie thinks Buck understands it (he doesn't), so why would they need to bring it up again?

They promoted Chris/ Gavin along with the main cast. No other kids were. So why?

You could argue the 7x01 storyline was the reason behind it, but I don't think that line is completely done. The premieres usually foreshadow some events through the season. Bringing up Shannon not only gives new viewers a glimpse into the Diaz boys and their trauma, it sets up something they'll revisit. She's been mentioned a few times throughout the season, and having her be a part of the guilt storyline makes perfect sense and is absolutely beautiful.

Eddie still holds this guilt about their relationship. All these if onlys. He's come a long way in his healing and growth, but it isn't linear, and that loss will never completely heal. He's still looking for that magic, that deep love he had (and still has) for her. He can't move past the guilt he feels about it all.

A coma dream of his own, or some kind of hallucinations, would be the perfect way to get him to forgive himself. How we get there? I'm not 100% sure. But I have some ideas!

1. Trapped dads (thank Anna)

@lover-of-mine can explain it so much better, but we've been rooting for this for ages. We thought they were going to drown Buck this season, but it doesn't look like they're going that way. So, we thought about flipping the scenario. Eddie is the one gravely injured, not Buck. Aborted confession? Possibly! Buck being the sole parent while Eddie is in the hospital? Absolutely. It would bring about so many possibilities. Eddie wouldn't confess to Buck as he was dying, he wouldn't make Buck carry that. But Buck might confess to Eddie as Eddie is dying so he knows he'll die loved. When he saves Eddie (desperate CPR when???) they have to live with what was said in the moment. Even better if Eddie is in a coma afterwards. Bonus points if they're still in their relationships through it all. Mutual pining anyone? Buck will be taking care of Chris in the midst of it all, possibly revealing to T and M that the will exists. The season ends with Eddie awake and healing, knowing how Buck feels. He of course won't say anything because they're still dating other people. Allows for a LOT of pining through s8.

2. Hallucinations (thanks Saturn)

I hadn't really considered this possibility, but @steadfastsaturnsrings brought up a great idea. I tried to find out the specific episode that takes place in the desert, but as far as I've found, they haven't specified. I'm assuming 7x07. Since 7x07 is Ghost of a Second Chance, Shannon could be appearing in that one. And if 7x07 is the one in the desert, then there's a lot of possibilities there too. Heatstroke or snake bite... either could cause hallucinations. Since the writer for 7x07 is likely Taylor Wong (wrote 6x15) then some Eddie and Shannon angst is definitely possible. Any way we look at this, the will could factor in. Eddie can't care for Chris, so Buck steps in. I think something happening in the desert could add some visions focused around his service and we get some very Eddie Begins type scenes that maybe show more positive calls between Eddie and Shannon. We could also possibly get a callback to 6x15 and Eddie's fear of dying alone (and having Buck there with him would prove him wrong. Wishful thinking).

3. God only knows

He gets trapped in a collapsed building? T involved? Sinkhole? Some kind of blood loss? We don't know! But I do know that Juan Carlos Coto usually writes huge episodes for Bobby, Eddie, and Buck (3x09, 4x05, 5x13, 5x16, 6x10 just to name a few). And since he's writing 7x08, which is titled Step Nine, the guilt and Shannon could happen there too. I mentioned in another post (which I can't find, naturally) that Step Nine in AA means making amends, no matter what. So, while Bobby is likely making amends with Amir, Eddie is making amends with himself, Shannon, and his guilt surrounding it. (There's a possible firepilot storyline there, depending on how 7x06 goes but I won't get into that rn).

Any way it goes, Shannon appearing, especially appearing older, will show Eddie all those if onlys he's been dwelling on. It will show him how different his life could've been (parallel to 6x11) and it will show him he hasn't failed. He has nothing to feel guilty about. He's not going to find what he had with Shannon. But he can find something just as deep and meaningful. And it's something Shannon (his subconscious) has to show him. Something he has to figure out on his own, like he usually does. No outside force is going to push him past it, no matter how hard he tries.

Perhaps in that dream/ hallucination, he'll realize he's not a commitment phobe, he's not a failure, he's not a sinner doomed to hell. He's human, and he's found love he's not allowing himself to feel.

Feelings realization (or more acceptance of those feelings) and some delicious pining is imminent. How we get to it? I'm not sure. They usually repeat kinds of injuries so I'm leaning more towards trapping him somewhere, but I love the idea of a snake bite. It's happening to someone, based on the fact they had dangerous reptiles on set (or a prop for it). Any way it happens, it'll be amazing, especially if this happens with it.

[otomes-and-tears]

thoughts on shiloh and jb,,,, theyre so fun to think abt as a dynamic no matter how u choose to slice it

THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT THIS, ANON!! I want to smooch your forehead. I'm so happy rn.

Okay so-- I like to think that Shiloh initially only agreed to date JB out of self-interest, but eventually developed genuine feelings for her that he's in denial about.

We all know that he chooses to closely associate with people who will offer him something in return, and being with JB is DEFINITELY beneficial for him in the beginning:

First, by going out with her he's setting himself apart from the other jerks. He already acts differently from them, being nice, cheerful and helpful, and dating someone who others would consider desirable would do good for his social standing (and we know that shiloh has a bit of a reputation for being a manwhore, so actually settling down with someone for once would make him appear better) and it would solidify the idea that he's in the jerksquad by mistake and that he's "totally normal you guys" for people who still didn't catch on to him being a snake.

We also know that part of the reason is literally just that JB is the one thing that all the jerks have in common. They're all attracted to her in some capacity, and Shiloh can rub it in their faces in his own way that he "won" by being with her.

I think that JB being physically attractive and fitting his type are just minor points for him. If it was down to just physical attraction he wouldn't have bothered with a romantic relationship. He did, canonically, have a bunch of flings, so we know that for him accept a serious, exclusive relationship meant that there was a lot of incentive for him to do so.

So by all accounts, this is literally the perfect scenario for him: He's with someone attractive and fun, he pisses Pran off, people will see him in a better light and, the best part of all, JB is aware that he has ulterior motives and doesn't care about what they are, just as long he's praising her and being amusing.

There doesn't need to be any actual feelings involved. It's a mutually beneficial relationship that hinges on both parts fulfilling their pre-assigned roles. It's straightforward and uncomplicated, even if their dynamic is kind of fucked up if you think too hard about it.

But... And maybe this is just the hopeless romantic in me, but I do think that Shiloh eventually starts developing actual feelings for JB, and it would be fucking terrible for him.

There's this one post where GB lady talks about Shiloh's loneliness, and I think about it way too much. Even if you choose to see him as someone who just discards and replaces people in his life as soon as they're not of use anymore, he still feels isolated and lonely, because of course he does! Shiloh spent his entire life not letting people in and just following whoever established themselves as a leader, he even admits to it himself in Our life.

Shiloh doesn't have any actual, meaningful relationships because he can't have them and still maintain that same pattern of behaviour that he's used to, and letting go of these old habits would be incredibly difficult for someone whose entire childhood socialization was built onto this foundation.

Like-- I know that is a clichê for people to trace back everything to someone's childhood, but I cannot stress enough how CRUCIAL childhood socialization is for human development. Of course, people can grow and change even if they had difficult childhoods, but you need a good foundation in order to build healthy habits, and while Shiloh did have loving parents who wanted to do good by him, the behaviours and thought patterns he picked up during his childhood are still things we can see he struggles with throughout his life.

Building long-lasting connections with people means that he needs to allow himself to be vulnerable and genuine, It means that Shiloh needs to let go of the safety of the "boss and sidekick" dynamic that he's used to, and that especially, he would need to let go of his habit of entering relationships with the expectation of leaving them eventually.

I don't think these are things he's incapable of doing, if you choose to believe that he was being genuine with Liz during their conversation in OLBA, but these are things that he has resistance to trying because they have outcomes that are difficult to predict, and Shiloh is as his most comfortable when he's able to read someone and be what they need him to be or manipulate them into giving to him what he wants. He thrives on predictability and control.

I believe that actually falling in love with JB would be something he'd be in denial about for a long time. I think it would be hard for him to rationalise having actual, genuine feelings for someone after he spent an entire life avoiding them, and it would be even harder for him to deal with the very real possibility of this relationship having an expiration date, or, even worse, him wanting to be with her past her usefulness.

And it's not like he has anyone to talk to about these things, or that JB would even believe him if he admitted to actually liking her. I do think that Shiloh is the kind of person who would try to bury these feelings inside as much as possible to try and regain some sense of normalcy and you'd never be able to tell, bc he's just acting like normal.

By the prom scene, I think he actually likes her. I think he purposefully takes advantage of the fact that she doesn't take anything he says seriously to say things he actually means. I think him opening up about his manipulation tactics goes beyond him just wanting to manipulate her further (though I do think that keeping her interested enough she doesn't want to break up is a good motivator for him to keep on manipulating her too) and is also Shiloh's way of testing her boundaries and just how much she's willing to put up with if he starts being honest with her.

I don't think he knows whether or not to break up with her by graduation. She's asking him, but he doesn't know what to answer. Being with her beyond high school and putting effort into staying with JB long-distance doesn't really benefit Shiloh like it did when they were both in high school, and staying with JB long-term would mean that at some point he'd have to look deep inside and ask himself if he's willing to change.

And yeah, he's lonely, and he loves JB, but is that worth giving up everything you know?

Buuut if you want my honest opinion, which I'm guessing you do because you read through this mountain of text, I like to think that him allowing Liz back into his life is a good sign. It, at the very least, means that he is willing to maintain one relationship and that he's willing to be at least somewhat honest with someone. That's already miles better from where he was when Xoxo Droplets started.

By the way-- if you agree or disagree with anything I said here I'd LOVE to hear people's takes on this topic! I love talking about them!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for potentially having been the reason why the relationship of two of my friends ended?

okay so i know this sounds bad, but i don’t think it’s my fault (at least not entirely).

so this happened 3 years ago almost. at the time, two of my best friends were dating each other. we were all part of a bigger friend group of like 6 people.

I’ll call those two friends who dated sam and jane. (fake names obviously)

The whole friend group was relatively new and only like half a year old when they started dating. i had only known sam for the time that friend group existed, so not very long by then. jane on the other hand, had been one of my best friends since we were both in kindergarten.

jane and i were around 16 then and sam was 15.

i had had a crush on jane for years at this point, but never told her because i always either thought she was straight (so she wouldn’t be into another girl aka she would never be into me) or because she was taken or because i just didn’t want to risk this long friendship ending.

but of info:

sam was (at the time) a cis guy. (sam is now questioning their gender but is leaning towards nonbinary transfem, but that was not yet the case during the time this story happened. so i will be using they/them pronouns for same obviously, but keep in mind that at the time, sam was a cis guy). before sam and jane got together, sam told me they had a crush on me but i rejected them.

jane (at the time) identified as bisexual.

the thing is, all of this happened during covid so sam and jane couldn’t see each other very often, but sometimes when the number of cases in our town went down, the restrictions were lifted. so one day, it was allowed to meet up in smaller groups again. so sam, jane, another friend and i spent the day together in town.

eventually that other friend had to leave because of something unrelated, so i was alone with the other two. sam and jane were in that stage of the relationship were they were very comfortable with each other and kinda already out of the “honeymoon” stage yk?

since i was very close to both of them separately, i didn’t feel like a third wheel there. it was a tiny bit awkward for me, because i did still have that crush on jane, but neither of them knew that.

we were all just kinda talking until the convo turned to like reminiscing about jane and my past since we’ve been friends very long and have been through a lot together. at some point, jane said that she has something to say that i might find weird.

obviously, this made me (and sam) very curious. jane laughed and then said that she used to have a huge crush on me, but was too shy to say that. i was admittedly not unhappy about that, so i told her that i too “used to” have a crush on her. (i lied a bit in the way that i said that was in the past when that crush very much was still there).

then i felt kinda bad, but before i could like backtrack (bc obviously i wasn’t trying to mess with their relationship), sam laughed and said that they wouldn’t mind if i joined their relationship. jane agreed and like kinda officially “invited me in.” (they were not in an open relationship, but apparently both their crushes on me were not so much in the past as i thought lol).

at first i thought that was a joke, but apparently they had kinda talked about that before and while it was spontaneous, it was definitely also a serious offer.

i was however still not into sam, and i didn’t think it was fair if i said yes without actually liking both of them back, so i rejected them awkwardly and went home not long after because i was totally not expecting that and just like totally startled me yk?

shortly after, like a few weeks, jane broke up with sam and said that she realized that she’s a lesbian because of “something that happened recently” and like. she never did say what it was, but one of our mutual friends who i had told about that situation from before, kept insinuating that i was involved in whatever situation jane meant. jane and sam themselves have never said anything like that to me and they are both still friends with each other (and with me, even if jane and i are more distant now).

so it’s very ambiguous if i really had anything to do with the end of their relationship, but that one mutual friend fully thinks that it was at least in part because of me. but like idk. so AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[stephofromcabin12]

🫵 this is gonna get personal for a sec, I'm bisexual and demisexual, and my family keeps making homophobic comment. I haven't come out to them because of the comments, I just need something honestly.

[I have not edited this and I wrote it p soon after waking up so apologies for any typos or tangents — I hope the point shines through — in case someone hasn’t told you today: You’re valued, You’re worthy, You bring something to the table no one else can bring; Yourself. And I’m glad you’re here🩷]

Hey lovely anon,

Let me start by saying: You owe no one the priviledge of knowing that side of you. That’s a gift you choose when and where and to whom you give. Just because they’re family does not automatically give them an all access-pass to all of you. It’s a privilege earned through mutual respect and kindness. Don’t feel that you must come out to them, especially if you worry it’s not going to be received well.

I understand the wish to share it, because it is a part of who you are but you must remember that there is no arguing with ignorance, especially not if it’s stubborn and self-inflicted.

A therapist once told me that everything people say to you is a reflection of themselves. Meaning, if people feel the need to joke about you, point fingers and criticize you unwarranted, it’s usually a marker that they see how evolved you are, how smart and accepting and glowing you are. They see how easily you rest in yourself and allow others to do the same; and they’re uncomfortable with that because they lack those skills, and so they must try to knock you down to their level, so they can feel better. Let them try. The key in doing that is to Observe their behavior but don’t Absorb it. Know that it’s not you they’re talking about when they say those things; it’s them. And that’s got absolutely zero to do with you.

Don’t sink to their level, that’s exactly what they want, anon. Rise above it, floating over their lowly, narrow-mindedness really puts just how small their world is into perspective. Becoming bitter only festers into something worse, and you shouldn’t allow that kind of rot into your garden, it you can avoid it. Cut it out at the root and let something better and healthier grow instead.

Next, I want you to remember that there are people out there who will celebrate you, who will love you and accept you as you are and as you grow, regardless of what labels you pick up or put down or replace or find again (because labels are just a marker of here and now, not a definitive statement, because people aren’t definite—I’m not trying to sound like those people who say sexuality is just a phase but rather that you should focus on what feels like you right now rather than search for a label to put on it; sometimes there isn’t one, and that’s okay too. Which I’m probably only feeling called to say because I wish someone had told me that when I was younger and obsessing over what word to introduce myself to the world with, instead of just introducing me as myself)

And maybe your family can learn how to be those people, in time, if they’re willing to learn; oftentimes people are cruel towards things they don’t understand—and it’s not your job to force someone them to understand, anon.

You can present the opportunity to them, but you can’t make them learn. They have to want that for themselves. Give them time, sometimes they need that. But if they refuse then that’s their loss. You don’t have to make a big fuss about this. You just don’t grant them access to that part of you indefinitely until they earn it back. Simple as that.

A piece of advice from someone who had to learn to bite their tongue instead of engaging with idiocracy: Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is learn to shrug it off. No, it’s not fair and you want to educate, you want to share your truth and teach them some empathy. But you can’t. It’s not up to you.

And it’s an endless cycle. They won’t learn until they want to. So unclench your jaw, and drop your shoulders and learn the beautiful words: “Sure, whatever you say!” Before promptly moving on so you don’t feed their need for discussing things they dont understand or have a say in, in the first place.

They expect a fight. They expect to be proven right in their belief that they’re the rational one by making you lash out. And if you simply dismiss them in a levelheaded way, then you strip them of both of those things. You signal that “I heard what you said, but that’s an immature and uneducated thing to say, so I’m going to give you the grace of letting it slide and moving on” - akin to not entertaining a petulant child; they don’t know better, or feign not to anyway. So you’ll treat them as such. They say kill them with kindness, I prefer gentle redirection. You’re not hardening to match them, you can be firm and gentle at the same time. That’s real power. That’s maturity. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that your journal and or your therapist will hear all about this.

But move on. Save yourself the added irritation.

Next ask yourself: Do you love yourself? Do you accept yourself? Have you made a home for yourself in your body and soul and stand by it, no matter what? Do you show up for yourself and trust yourself?

That’s all you need at the end of the day, anon. The opinions of others who don’t understand you—and sometimes don’t wish to understand you— don’t matter. The right people will not always understand you at first; but they’re curious about you, and want to learn about you because they love you.

I can’t say if your family falls into that category, and the experience of hearing harmful, ignorant comments from the people who are supposed to be in your corner is all too familiar in the community. But my old 7th grade teacher once sat in our class, which consisted of 20 young girls—all of whom struggled with our identities in one way or another— and told us a story about her son, who was maybe 5 or 6 at the time. She told us how he came home crying after being called names by the other kids in his class. Before messaging the school, she sat with him, hugged him and asked him to repeat everything they’d said. Every little thing.

He did. He listed it all— admittedly very juvenile insults but to a five year old they’d been detrimental— and when he finished, she looked him in the eyes and asked:

“Well, are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you all those things?”

“No! That’s why I’m so upset! It’s not true!”

“Okay, then that’s all that matters. Who cares if they *think* you are something. If you know you’re not, you’ll prove them wrong eventually by simply not becoming their assumptions.”

I’m sure she phrased it more in a way that a young child would understand but to us, who were older: 13 and having to decide who we were, it was a golden. Once you know yourself, anon, it takes a lot for people to get to you. Because anything they throw at you, you simply hold up to the truth of you, and if it doesn’t fit; throw it away. It’s not yours to keep then.

Regardless of the outcome, if you choose to come out— because it is your choice, and you don’t have to be out to be in the community, and you don’t have to be out to everyone you know— Know who you are. Rest in it.

When people question it or try to tear it down; don’t crumble. You can’t be a twig here, anon. You have to grow to a point where it takes more than a miss-step to break you.

You have to rest in your own self like an old oak tree with roots reaching miles down into the earth and branches stretching tall to the sky; unafraid to be seen— because there’s nothing about a tree that doesn’t belong here. You’ve grown that tall on your own; you’ve earned this spot in the sun just by staying true to yourself.

All that noise, wind and earthquakes doesn’t matter. You’re rooted in the earth’s core. It’s taken too much strength to grow to be knocked over by a gust of wind or stone thrown. Tree’s aren’t bitter either. Or vengeful. Its so easy to become that but don’t. It’s not worth it. Be as a tree: observing, sometimes seemingly still but always growing quietly. Be everything you wish to have: you want safety and security; become a shelter for yourself. You want friendship and love? Become your own biggest adorer, and your own most trusted friend. You want power and respect? Learn to be powerful without being cruel, and to respect yourself even on your bad days, and bad years. When you do that, others who have done the same healing will recognize it in you, and vice versa, and you’ll find what you’re looking for when it’s meant for you; because you already have it all in yourself. No one can take it from you, or give it to you if you’ve already given it to yourself. And why shouldn’t you? You deserve all those things and more.

Stand tall, anon, and know yourself. You know who you are, and you know there’s people out there who love you, and support you, even if you haven’t met them yet.

I’m with you. You’re not the first to walk this path and you won’t be the last, in that sense you’re never alone. We’re all cheering you on☀️

[random-autie-fangirl]

🎭 Lying headcanon for Asriel/Flowey

(Headcanons still from the same ask game that you can totally ask me questions from if you so desire)

What Asriel does post-pacifist is he downplays how much he cares.

How much he cares for Chara (though he certainly wasn't lying at first when he said he didn't forgive Chara, this is later when they start being nicer to him again. It was Chara who started this animosity by the way, but it's like ... "Oh, you don't forgive me for killing everyone, you hate me, huh? You never wanna see me again? Well, okay, then, I don't forgive you either, I don't wanna see your stupid face ever again, Fuck off!" And then he proceeds to see Chara over and again for the next few years until the animosity fades on both sides, because Frisk and Chara share the same body and it turns out he likes Frisk more than he hates Chara. See this is why I prefer the buttercup plan being a betrayal of a previously good relationship because being sort of forced to interact with a best friend you had a massive mutual falling out with is somewhat funny, but being sort of forced to interact with your relentless bully of three years is just fucking awful)

for MK (MK is impossible for anyone to dislike, trust me, Asriel tried at first to dislike them, mainly being jealous of their friendship with Frisk, but MK was kind, endearing and positive enough that he feels really bad about it (and MK’s reaction to bullying just isn't funny, they just brush him off and y'know...it later becomes very obvious that Frisk is definitely not leaving him behind),

for Toriel(he still really likes his mom, I am pretty sure he greatly prefers her to Asgore, and that's who he lives with, even if it might be a bit awkward living with her alone first it feels somewhat nice, doesn't it, to return home? And in the underground, he was hanging out in the ruins when Frisk came...with Toriel, though that might be just because he was looking for souls, and plus...the skeleton fam are always next door, if he wants to spend time with Frisk or Papyrus),

for Frisk (Caring and bright, like MK, but certainly not a goody two shoes by any means. Down for chaos and trouble, you mess with Frisk and they mess back, and that's just what Az likes about them. They forgave him when he didn't forgive himself, saved him when he still believes he doesn't deserve to be. (Though Frisk uses it constantly to win arguments and the like... Or Frisk is always allowed to pick the first movie on movie night because "no murder" privileges, Frisk gets the last cookie because "no murder" privileges, Frisk gets to ride shotgun because "no murder" privileges, and if there's a limited supply of something, Frisk gets the first pick, once again cos' no murder privileges.)

Who... understands about the presence of Chara and about the resets. And well...I often think about Chara and their "best friends", that one person they see as an equal above all else. But, well, Asriel has his own issues and he has his own best friends to feel weirdly intense about. In the underground, he idolizes Chara as that person...the exception to all the noise, the one person he feels that he can still care about, a potential partner in crime. And I think post pacifist, he kinda latches onto Frisk in the same way, at least to start with. In this case, it's paired with a crush but it doesn't have to be, for example with Chara, it evidently wasn't.),

and finally for Papyrus(still his idol, in the fifth anniversary thing, one of the people we know for sure that Asriel interacts with apart from Frisk is Papyrus, much like MK, I think Paps can be so kind that it starts to make him feel bashful and be significantly less likely to be cruel or act up, unlike Frisk and Chara who bring out the fire in him, either playfully (Frisk) or genuinely angrily (Chara). Also since Frisk lives with Paps, he'll come over just as often to see the skeledad as to see the skelekid, lucky of him to have both favourite people live right next door and in the same house. Why doesn't Az live with them then.... Because I like Friskriel. Also because living with Frisk would mean living with Chara, and neither Asriel or Chara want that (you can also see why he would be less than thrilled to see Sans every day of course).

He'll give gifts anonymously, hide his face away so Frisk doesn't see him blush at them, downplay or backtrack on compliments (or just mumble them), make excuses for caring actions, can be very clingy but never in public(and if you ever see him on Frisk's shoulders, it's just because it's easier than the pot, not cause he wants to be near Frisk or anything, or sometimes it's "Frisk paid me" liar). He's not a little weenie who "cares" about people, it's just because.... uh...

You know, general tsundere stuff.

And (apart from the blushing thing) this isn't just specific to his crush on Frisk but to every relationship he has. He has a reputation to maintain, he doesn't want to be teased, he always wanted to be "strong", to be seen as a "big kid" and that still goes now even if he's done trying to impress Chara or act cool for their sake. (Now, honestly, I think he might be trying to impress Frisk and MK, even though Frisk doesn't care and actually likes the fact that he's kind of a dork and MK is... actually pretty easily impressed, in fact, and is probably more annoyed when Asriel is mean, partially in an attempt to be "cool" and "tough" and "uncaring".)

[helianskies]

reflecting on my 2023 in this fandom, i wanted to share some observations, reflections and projections for 2024. it's a little mix of positive and negative stuff so, and as this will be something mostly only mutuals will read (if at all), i just wanted to give you that heads up. i have some bits to get off my chest.

so, to start with, some little observations about myself as a writer:

i tag it 'nationverse' because i don't tend to write nationverse (the odd bit of historical, but not consistently), and i think it's useful to signpost to my readers 'oh btw they are actually nations in this one, in case that's not what you want to read today'. that is okay.

i will always call it 'engspa' to distinguish it from 'spuk' because i have a preferred dynamic for them and i grew up in a fandom space that tagged things as such to help readers know what they were getting into. that is okay.

i prefer having a ficlet collection to posting small works separately because it helps me manage my fics, see what i have and haven't done, navigate my profile, keep the request fics in one place, and maintain my drive to write small things compared to posting them all separately. that is okay.

i block people in order to curate my online enviroment, to avoid topics or content i'm not interested in or that i don't want to be in my happy space, and to manage my own emotions - and i am allowed to do so. that is okay.

i don't like every ship under the sun and so won't fulfil every request or suggestion i receive into my inbox, no matter how many times i am asked to. that is okay.

i just feel a need to address these things that have cropped up in my year. at a few points i've felt like a 'bad writer' for doing certain things or have been made to feel like a 'bad writer' for... essentially having preferences. at various points i lost confidence and contemplated throwing the towel.

thing is, we all do things differently, and we all have our own systems, preferences, and needs. i wish we'd stop putting each other down for that.

while i don't doubt my insecurities won't shift much next year, in 2024, i'll be in my eighth year writing. that feels like an achievement i ought to be celebrating. and it reminds me how important writing is in my life - because that's a third of my lifetime i will have been writing for. and mostly for this fandom, haha...

.°˖✧

looking on the fics i've written and finished this year, if i had to pick my favourite three, they'd probably be...

'Let Me Go' - i'm still patting myself on the back for this one. it's my favourite piece of nationverse i've written to date, and i could do so much with it...

'Want' - begging myself to write a sequel that i probably won't, but i can dream!

'Smokescreen' - ...it felt good to be bad, just for a little bit!

if i then think about my favourite aus in general from this year, then it's got to be:

the zoo au, from 'Lovebirds' because it's just CUTE, okay?

the RNLI au, from 'Swell', in which Arthur and Antonio are lifeboat volunteers (10/10 would write more)

the dragons au, from 'Scales' because worldbuilding is fun but also,, Rhys, my boy! :D

the school au, from 'The Note', for the memories it brings back and the reminder that i can write fluff, dammit!

and if only you guys knew the aus happening in my messages with maiva,, we are so smart we are so cool we are constantly drowning in cats :)

to conclude these little reflections on my year in fandom, things i'm a bit sad about:

i've given up on 'Bound' as a series - i just haven't been able to get anywhere with the plans or drafts i have, and i've lost my love for it, so it's officially parked.

'Hopeful Waters' will also definitely not continue - i will, however, not delete it as i have stopped myself from doing a million times this year. i may write snippets of 'what would have been' but my relationship with the fic is... largely negative, so i make no promise.

hetaween fics slipped through my darn fingers this year and i didn't write as much as i wanted. next year, i will return with vengeance... ùwú

and things i'm happy about or proud of from this year:

romespa ✨everything✨

i've written now well over a million words on ao3 which feels,, just surreal, honestly. 16 year old helia would never

i finally cleared out my ao3 inbox and stopped hoarding comments for months and i'm keeping on top of it!

i've continued to write dialogue prompt lists! it always makes me happy when i see others using them as well <3

.°˖✧

and so, looking at 2024...

next year, what i'm hoping above all else is that 'For Me?' reaches its conclusion. it's been slow-going this year with updates, and it's nearly two years old (ouch), but i'm now finally getting the plot back on track and i know my direction. i hope the wait will be worth it! i'm excited about what's to come for Antonio, Arthur, and the others :)

i also hope 'Bitter Teeth' keeps going strong. i hope i let myself take breaks without feeling so guilty. i hope i get more into historical hetalia again. i really want to explore the implications of the events of 'Let Me Go'. i hope i learn to love my unfinished works or abandoned wips. i hope i start sharing more of my ideas. i hope i learn it's okay to not always want to write the same characters over and over, even if they are my favourites.

really, i just want to keep moving forward. i want to keep writing. i want to keep loving writing. i want to keep exploring. i want to not succumb to negativity as much. i want to indulge even more in what i want and what i feel like.

oh, and i want more cat aus. sorry maiva. we're not finished.

.°˖✧

to finish, i just wanted to leave a little thanks to the friends i have here who read my stuff, who encourage me, and who give me the confidence to continue forwards. i treasure you. i hope you know who you are. and i offer you cookies, hugs, and well wishes for the year ahead 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

thank you guys for everything <3

[dismalice]

to any people who are still here:

im sorry for probably stressing everyone out with my doomerpilled posts in those last few weeks i was here. i have not been able to see my therapist for a long time now due to losing my insurance coverage after turning 26. after finally getting government insurance and talking with my therapist about the mindset i was in, we came to the conclusion that i was most likely going through depression-induced transient psychosis. which explains A Lot about how paranoid i was at the time. i still can't see my therapist regularly but i am medicated again for the forseeable future and i am doing much better now.

i'm pretty much just posting this to let y'all know i'm okay because given the vibe of the posts i was making before i suddenly made the decision to close down my blog, i realised i might have given the impression that i had uh... fallen prey to a self-induced IRL game over, if you know what i mean. i definitely didn't do that. i have a job now and im close to graduating with my masters and things are overall looking up even though i still dont have heating or water.

i've been working on improving my art and writing for personal projects i hope to eventually make into a novel one day if time and luck allows. i may EVENTUALLY come back to tumblr rp but if i do, it will be in a very different format and with far more emphasis on fandomless ocs.

i have noticed that fandoms tend to die out extremely quickly these days and my mutuals from "fad fandoms" were abandoning/deleting left and right. constantly writing things that would go unanswered with zero explanation/losing ooc connections out of nowhere was stressing me out to the point that i just couldnt handle it anymore. i ended up feeling extremely used even though that probably wasn't anyone's intention, and now i know i need to take steps to avoid ending up in that kind of situation again.

if i come back to tumblr and rellow you and you don't want to be refollowed, just shoot me a message or block me. i will understand given how frankly unhinged my mental state was for a while. i probably scared a lot of people off. my sincerest apologies for that and i hope i didn't seriously upset anyone by inadvertently causing them to think i had died or something.

[femmmie]

Let's go outside

"This needs to stop, Anthony... we are killers."

"We are finally what we are supposed to be, Ian. Together."

Ian was feeling Emotions.

He'd had a bad dream. One where Anthony killed everyone at Smosh and turned him into a vampire. But upon opening his eyes squinting against the blinding light of his bedroom lamp - too bright! - he heard his best friend say: "You're a vampire now, Ian, time to drink some more of my blood."

"What the FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Ian grabbed his head in agony.

"Dude, I know I know it's weird at first, but just do it. It will feel great!"

"Murderer..."

"Ian please we can get through this but you have to work with me. Drink my blood, here!"

Anthony bit into his own arm like it was a Kentucky Fried Chicken wing and black blood oozed out. The sight was disgusting, however, the smell... Faster than he'd ever moved, Ian went up to the bloody arm and drank. It felt better than he'd ever dared to dream. Anthony's strong arm, and vicinity helped a bit too, although Ian didn't allow himself to think of the unspeakable acts Anthony had committed. But they poured over in his mind, and he broke the sip.

"Fuck, Anthony what is this, I'm going insane..."

"No Ian, you're not going insane, you're fine! you're fine.."

Ian collapsed again, right into Anthony's arms. Anthony led him to his couch. His house looked nothing like it had before. It looked abandoned, like it was nobody's home. 

"I don't like it here," Ian said, eyes close, clinging to Anthony's bloody shirt. 

"Let's go outside then," Anthony said softly. 

They went onto Anthony's balcony. 

"Remember what I said about this balcony," Anthony said, forcing Ian to lock eyes with him. 

"Yeah, I remember everything about my entire life in way too much detail," Ian replied. But he knew what Anthony meant. 

"Ian, do you feel the same?" "I hate you. But yes, I love you too."

Anthony let out a sigh. A red tear formed in his eye. He ruffled Ian's hair and then grabbed hold of his head and planted a kiss on Ian's lips. It tasted divine, a sensation Ian had never felt with anyone, male or female. And he tasted something... something delicious. Anthony read him like a book. 

"I know you're not over the whole killing thing," he said and Ian pushed him away angrily. The emotions would be his undoing. "But you need to learn fast because you're going to get hangry and that's going to be a problem." 

"Okay fucking Edward, show me how to kill something."

"Someone." "Can't we eat animals?"

"No."

"Is there a way to kill me then, because I'm not killing."

"Ian! You wanted this, remember?"

"I wasn't exactly thinking straight!"

"Me neither, that blood of yours was way to good... made me feel the things I felt for you all those years but held back."

"Anthony, this is all too much. I am feeling it too, you know that. It was always mutual. Why the hell we held back at all is beyond me now."  Ian grabbed Anthony's hand. 

"But Anthony, you see, I actually can't. Won't, rather. I'd rather die, again."

"Oh for fuck's sake Ian, okay then we'll pull a True Blood and rob the blood bank!"

"Is that possible?" "I don't know! I've never tried!"

They sped like cars but they were just walking, it was truly weird. After a few seconds they were at the bank. It was dark and desolate. It was way after midnight. 

"Can we just walk in here?"

"Let me do it."

Anthony walked at human pace again, slowly to the blood bank. Ian had time to take in his surroundings, new senses still adjusting. He looked at his own hands. They were pale, of course. But he saw more sharp than ever, the details actually freaked him out a bit. And he listened. The city was so busy, so many people, so many heartbeats, Ian felt dizzy when he listened too much. But then it happened. A smell. So sweet, some kind of feral instinct took over. It was definitely a woman, a woman walking through the park he and Anthony had just crossed. Her perfume, her deodorant, her panties, but above all, her blood. Fresh blood was pumping furiously through her body, just begging to be drunk.

It all happened in a matter of seconds. Ian picked her up like she was a pebble in his hand, ran to a place where nobody saw them and then, wholly without thinking, crashed into her neck like it was the spring of life. He drank and drank and spilled a lot of blood as well. The woman didn't scream, just as he hadn't screamed. She lay limp in his arms now, dead. She had been beautiful, with a kind face. Ian dropped her onto the ground, horrified of what he had just done. But then the Feeling hit him. Stars before his eyes, he finally felt Alive, more alive than he'd been during his actual life. He felt so good, in fact that he danced around like an idiot. Then Anthony found him.

Two heavy bags dropped to the ground. "Ian!" He cried out, concerned. 

"I feel so good, Anthony!" "Oh, it's happened huh." "Yeah. I hate what I've become but I can't be bothered by it at the moment, let's dance, Anthony!" The two vampires danced around, and a different kind of lust developed. Laughing, Ian pushed Anthony against a tree. He kissed him, reveling in the feeling of finally allowing him to be in love with his best friend. He brushed through his beautiful brown hair with his hand, traced the dumb tattoos Anthony had set, with one sweep ripping his shirt off of him. 

"I really do hate your tattoos," he said as he kissed and licked them, cutting Anthony's flesh with his fangs. 

"I know, I set them to spite you," Anthony giggled. 

"We're finally going to fuck, huh." "Yes we are."

They made passionate love like only vampires do. Ian sucked on Anthony's dick and let him come all over his face. Then Ian fucked Anthony from behind. It hurt in the best way. And Anthony returned the favor, while scratching Ian's back deeply, leaving trails of black blood, resembling his own tattoos. They fell down into the grass, next to the dead woman, laughing but while he laughed, tears streamed down Ian's face. 

"This needs to stop, Anthony... we are killers."

"We are finally what we are supposed to be, Ian. Together."

[petedavidsonscock]

it’s like. more than the sex (which there was actually very little of) i will miss thinking fondly about the sex. such as it happened. like there were in fact some very good and very hot moments. like. extremely. but that’s not like. like. the thing i wanted is to hang out maybe once or twice a week and do stuff, and then see each other outside of that context like around mutual friends as well. but it was clear that this was not going to happen. it was either nothing at all or like so intense. so intense. in a way that made a lot of endorphins happen in my body but which i don’t actually want as a regular thing. and it was clear that things were not going to even out. it was going to swing between the two of those things. at least for a while. and i. do not want that.

the past two days have been difficult because every part of my brain is going “you said no to sex??? good sex??? what if no one ever wants to fuck you again” which is i think a silly worry. in the past six months four people have wanted to fuck me. i’m gonna be okay. it’s just hard to convince myself of that. and also the thing i’m really good at is being like “well but what if this thing that’s currently bad is about to get good? what if it will get good tomorrow? or the day after? what if, if i just didn’t leave, next month it would be the best thing that had ever happened to me?

my greatest fear (as someone who’s gone long periods of time not finding diamonds i.e. friends and good social spaces) is being the guy on the bottom. i am soo scared of being the guy on the bottom. but the thing is relationships aren’t like mining in minecraft. if it’s going to be good it should be good from the start. and also: there’s no definitive right or wrong answers in them.

there’s no objective diamonds or dirt. there’s no, like, pop-up that tells you whether you should actually have ended it 6 months ago.

i think that’s why things like “how often are you having sex,” “what do they do for you for valentine’s day,” “will he peel an orange for you” etc get so popular. everyone wants desperately to know whether they’re doing the right thing. whether they’re digging thru diamonds or dirt. and we never get to know! we never ever find out. but the thing i’m trying to teach myself to believe is that if it feels like dirt, it probably isn’t diamonds.

i’m trying to train myself to trust how i feel about stuff. maybe some things are “good,” but they wouldn’t be good for me right now. i don’t know how to figure out what’s good for me right now.

my new strategy is to trust my impulses. if i have an impulse to say “i don’t think we should hook up anymore,” then, even if i can’t logically justify it completely, that’s probably the right thing to do. just like how when i said it four months ago i didn’t actually know why—i made something up about only spending time together to fuck and how that felt bad, which to be clear it did, but, BUT, there was also the much larger factor of gender, and how having sex as a girl was making me feel bad bad bad. i didn’t know that at the time—i don’t think i had the capacity to know it—but i trusted my feelings and i did the right thing, which allowed me to let myself explore without feeling weird.

but yeah. if i’m thinking “we should stop,” i need to trust that there’s reasons for it. i need to trust myself. and i need to be okay with the fact that that reasoning is not going to align with society’s understanding of sex. because very little about me does, increasingly.

i’ll be okay. i really will be fine. i went two years without having sex and it was totally fine. i like sex. but there’s things that are more important to me. most things in my life are more important to me than sex. and i just need to trust that that calculation has already happened somewhere in me, and i don’t have access to all the variables and can’t see it. but it was right. i know it was right.

[joe-moi]

I feel like I overhyped my theory so sorry if it’s lame… Okay so my theory is basically my two cents but this is solely based of my experiences from irl relationships and analyzing celebs for fun. So I was also the anon that suggested that Joe assimilated into her life but she hasn’t to his. And I know we go back and forth with how deep they’re in this. But since she didn’t show up yesterday I wanna go back and say maybe this isn’t as serious for him and it is for her. Okay so when ppl get in rs you only start introducing them to important ppl in your like after you know it’s serious right? Unless you met through mutual friends of course, but it’s still kinda sus to me that he’s been hanging out with her circle and kind of going along what she says but hasn’t really reciprocated, even with the pap pics. It makes me think this is how he protects his peace and basically his heart, he allows himself to be involved with his gf’s life but doesn’t let her do the same for him because he doesn’t want his romance seeping into his private personal life just yet. Like the fact that he went to the Burberry event but she wasn’t at the Fargo premiere, the fact that we got a sighting with her friends but nothing with nat and Charlie. Maybe over time we’ll see a change like if she visits on set during filming but as of right now he’s keeping the two aspects of his life heavily separated. I don’t think he’s ready for that kind of seriousness that she’s putting forth. Which may also be why he didn’t reciprocate in the pap pics. I’m sure they probably had a talk afterwards and thought DM was a happy medium but also DM isn’t a public tabloid yk? So his business isn’t completely “aired” out. I feel like he might have trauma from his past rs or maybe he knows the MO and duration of chase’s previous rs and doesn’t want to get super involved when it’ll end in a few months. I also think like others have said he simply doesn’t wanna be alone. It’s daunting to go from living with someone to living by yourself and after his breakup he was working a lot so he was rarely in NY and the few weeks/days he was here he probably filled it up by hanging out with friends and family. But this is the biggest stretch he’s been home alone and he probably misses someone or as ppl dub cuffing season 🕵️‍♀️ 

Ohh I love this!

I think you’re definitely on to something. Because something is up. We’ve only seen them or had big sightings of them on what is seemingly her terms? Meeting her friends, the Burberry event, the pap pics and from what we can tell she wasn’t at the whiskey thing or the Fargo event. So maybe you’re right, he’s protecting himself.

but my question is, what is he protecting himself from? If he’s doing that. I would think it’s he assumes that this might not last past filming? Or he’s just very timid because of what’s happened to him in the past. He doesn’t mind going and doing stuff with her people and doing stuff with her and for her, but when it comes to him, he seems to be a little bit more reserved.

I think a lot of people thought that she would show up at the Fargo thing, and I was very 50-50 on that. I felt like maybe it was so soon that she couldn’t go, or he just felt like he was gonna be too busy and didn’t invite her. Or they just were essentially taking this little break from each other to get some shit done before they can hang out again .

either way, I think that they are cute together, I still just don’t think it’s going to last for very long