#that’s the thing. it’s exhausting and it’s bullshit

[certifiedsexed]

I'm really sorry if this is off topic, you post a lot about trans stuff and I don't know where else to ask for advice. Ignore this ask if it doesn't fit the blog and have a nice day.

Has anyone here dealt with partners who have switched views from radfem to TERF? For context, I'm a pre-everything trans male and I don't pass at all. I've been dating my girlfriend for a few years now, she's always been supportive, until this year.

Two years ago she adopted radfem views and this summer she began to deadname and misgender me for the first time and hasn't stopped after polite corrections. She keeps saying I'm just confused and other things, you know what I'm talking about if you've ever interacted with a TERF. It happens every day now.

Is this normal and just a bit rude, or something serious? It's exhausting and I don't feel safe with her anymore, but everyone says I'm just overreacting and I don't know how to handle it carefully, since I don't really have any support now.

Is it really selfish to want to be at least called by another (gender neutral in my country) name if you look like a girl?

No apologies needed! I'm happy to help and I appreciate you trusting me to answer. <3

I need you to genuinely listen to me for a second, Anon. I do not say this lightly. The behavior you're experiencing with your girlfriend is abusive. It's not "just a bit rude", it's not safe and its not appropriate.

Everyone who is telling you that you're overreacting are frankly not trustworthy either if they're telling you that your girlfriend refusing to use your name, misgendering you and trying casual attempts at what sounds a lot like conversion therapy bullshit is not an immediate "get away from that person now".

It makes sense you feel unsafe. She's being consistently abusive towards you and you have no support behind you, that's awful. Whether you "look like" a girl or not, you're not a girl and you've said so.

It is not selfish to ask people to respect your gender and pronouns.

I'm not sure how to handle this carefully either, if i'm honest, because I don't know your situation and I don't know what you have access to.

But my primary advice is to find a way out of this relationship and away from your girlfriend, since it sounds like she is the biggest issue here. I'd frankly also advise finding more spaces with openly trans people, even if that's just online, so that you can find more people like you, in situations like you.

I think it'd really help, especially since people in your life don't sound very supportive. I also think looking up information specifically on trans people, dealing with transphobic abuse would be helpful. This is an article, for example, that might be helpful for you to read.

I don't know how helpful this all is but I'm so sorry you're dealing with all that, Anon. I've dealt with [and still deal with] some of what you're talking about and I know that's such a burden. Sending love. ❤

Let me know if you have any other questions. If anyone else has suggestions, feel free to add on. <3

[middlingmay]

Alright so what if it was Gale who was losing it in the Stalag and not Bucky?

Bucky who's always been more untethered finds his snarling and snapping is more common, more accepted in the Stalag so long as it's not aimed at the guards. He doesn't have the pressure of trying to keep all of the worst bits of himself so contained, only blowing off steam at the bar or between the sheets. He still hates it, is still angry and furious and impotent, but in the Stalag he can express that more.

And he helps the others express it, too. Gives everyone one pass a day to curse him out as badly as they can, and he screams right back. Organises secret fights for morale - a chance to get the hurt and frustration out, a chance to exert themselves, a chance to bet with the meagre things they had and something to look forward to. The first person on their back was the loser - no first blood bullshit. This place was already taking too much life from them.

But Gale? Gale who's been angry his whole life but had to keep it on lock down. Gale who found the war and the air force as an outlet for his wilder impulses. Gale who needed to be in control of everyone and everything and pretend like he wasn't. He can't do any of that in the Stalag. He's always been afraid to let his emotions loose and lashing like Bucky. He didn't do well being so powerless, and didn't know how to be him in a place like this.

He can't do missions or rally the men. The crystal radio helps but that's only an hour here or there when it works. He creates chores and rotas and organises classes. But it all feels so useless.

He doesn't realise that between Bucky and Gale, the 100th stuck in the Stalag are managing to tolerate life there pretty well. Their hungry and constantly in danger, but they have both structure and an outlet when it got too much. Gale just sees himself as an utter failure if a soldier, a pilot, a major, a friend and a man. And ihe alternates between days where he's sick with rage from it, and days where he can't muster the will to rise from his shitty bunk. And Marge’s letters go unanswered.

He's not the self destructive kind to veer near the fence or pick a fight with a guard, but he takes minimal care of himself, giving away rations and leaving the warmest clothes for the others and not taking medicine when he gets sick in case someone needs it more later.

It drives Bucky crazy. And after exhausting every other idea he has he decides there's only one way to get a spark of life back into Gale. So the next fight he slates is Bucky v Buck.

Gale doesn't find out until he follows John who wants to show him something. It takes shockingly little persuasion, and Bucky things he's been waiting for something like this but would have never let himself take the plunge without being thrown straight in.

Lookout duty is a punishment that night, because no one wants to miss the fight of the two Majors of the 100th.

They knock the Holy hell out of each other. Gale's lip busts open easy, but he hits like a hammer. And John's nose is a prime target and his moustache is sodden with blood pretty quickly. Bruises blossom everywhere, and in the end, they fall down together. John sinks a boot into Gale's ribs and he.socks John's jaw so hard his ears ring.

They lie gasping on the floor and the match is declared a jaw and the boys are losing it as much as they can without getting caught.

But John sees it, lying there. A sparkle of life and feeling in Gale's eyes again.

That night in their bunks when they're somewhat patched up, Gale reaches out for the first time since they got there.

"I didn't get you too bad?" He asks as he trails his finger so ermsome of the more prominent bruises he can see even in the dark.

"Oh, I can feel it," John tells him through a genuine grin. It only tempers when he takes Gale's hand in his and thumbs over the too bony protrudence of his wrist. "You with me?"

Gale licks the crusting concealing blood off his lip, setting its healing back some. "Till there's no more pilots left in the sky, John."

[phpruitts]

That was bliss— hearing Rafael groan, in pleasure, maybe even emotion, hearing him reaffirm his promise to see Phoebe ever day plucks strings of pleasure inside of her abdomen, raises the crescendo inside her body to an almost maddening tempo.

Thrusting, rocking her hips, rolling forward against Raf as if she could meld them together permanently.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Phoebe needed him, needed with him an intensity that felt like it was tearing her heart like paper. Needing someone, treasuring them like this... it felt wildly vulnerable, even moreso to express those feelings. Perhaps that's why Rafael's words moved her so much. His admittance, even if he wasn't sure how to word it exactly. Phoebe knew the weight of them. Knew what it must take for Rafael to even say them, someone who was sometimes so reserved, it must matter, right, that must mean—

—That must mean Rafael really cares about Phoebe. He wasn't the type to just ... bullshit, things, for the sake of indulging someone else. God. That hits Phoebe like a fucking battering ram, even though she already knew it, deep down, and for a brief second her nails dig into Rafael's knuckles where their hands are interlaced.

She mattered to Raf. Yeah.

Phoebe mattered to someone for maybe the first time in her life.

It's— overwhelming.

That alone enough is enough to tip her over the edge.

Phoebe watches as Rafael rocks his body to meet hers, to drive himself further in, and her mouth slackens, her pupils widen into a blissful, senseless daze as something hot and taut and gentle and overwhelming and intense all at once washes over to her— he lets his forehead rest against hers and even that feels like searing contact.

His eyes find hers. In the midst of their rocking bodies, the panting, the sweat and the flush and the creaking of the couch, Raf's eyes lock on to her only.

'Now, please. Please.'

Phoebe had brought him in from the doorway— patched him up, as simple as it was, and took care of him. Of course she would take care of him now. Of course she would finish with him now, let this overwhelming, white-hot oblivion crash over her body as the bliss took them both.

"Now, baby, now." Phoebe pants in agreement, thumb still brushing across his cheek soothingly.

Of course they would come together. Nothing else would have made any sense.

And so Phoebe does— she feels Rafael's muscles start to tremble and shake, and so she rocks up, a last, few, desperate times, the pressure on her clit white-hot and overwhelming and everything and god, she's tense, her muscles will never relax and fuck, fuck, fuck.

Phoebe comes with a cry, high, whining, chest heaving as she feels Rafael finish inside her. It's— fucking satisfying. Perfect, actually, knowing he took his pleasure in her body, holding her hand that tightly. He's so sweet. So sweet. And handsome. And when they're like this, pressed together? Sometimes it feels like Raf is really hers.

Is he hers? Maybe he is. Or maybe he can be, if he's not already.

Not that Phoebe can really think right now. It's more just ... sensations, and concepts, and undefined feelings, feelings that rock her to the core and almost disrupt the tempo of her orgasm in a good way. It just feels— more intense, knowing that the man whose lap she straddled was someone she would walk across the entire Great Basin for.

She'd walk across it barefoot, actually.

It's a long orgasm, that almost leaves her exhausted for it's intensity, but beyond that, Phoebe is unable to control the emotions it stokes up inside her— Phoebe feels a prickling behind her eyes, and quickly buries her face into Rafael's neck, lest they develop into tears that actually fall.

But Phoebe feels safe there. She feels perfect, as she comes down from her orgasm, and her thumb never stops the slow arch it makes on Rafael's cheekbone, a reminder, a promise, that she had him. Had him through all of it.

"Come see me every day. Call me at four in the morning and I'll get up for you. Tell me to meet you wherever and I'll go across the entire fucking state."

Rafael groaned. God, he was so fucking close, especially after hearing those promises from Phoebe. The moment felt so fucking sacred and special and Rafael never wanted it to end. Couldn��t they just exist there in her apartment for forever? Rafael had no desire to resume any responsibilities or duties or anything. He just wanted her. He just wanted moments like this, declarations just like this.

“I will,” Rafael said, voice strained, struggling to keep it even. “I will, I’ll see you everyday.”

Phoebe gently pressed a hand to the side of his face, thumb brushing over his skin. It was such a tender gesture. It made Rafael’s heart constrict in a strange way, one that he’d never really felt before.

Oh, Phoebe was special. So fucking special to him. She mattered so much.

"Then come with me. We're gonna come together."

Rafael nodded. He needed that so bad. He’d missed her all fucking day. He’d missed her since he last saw her, and this was the only way to cure that loneliness. This connection — this moment.

"I have you..."

Yeah. She did. She fucking did. She had all of him, and Rafael had never used the word forever before, but it seemed appropriate here. She had him forever. There was no desire to look beyond Phoebe.

His stomach felt so tight. He squeezed her hand, chest heaving as he thought about all that they’d shared with each other that evening. Phoebe had cared for him so tenderly. She’d invited him in, despite showing up unannounced. She thought about him all the time — just as frequently as Rafael thought about her.

And it was all so overwhelming, in the best possible way. His chest felt like it was on fire, like it might give out soon from all the exertion and pleasure and emotion there. Rafael was thrusting upward, desperate to meet her movements, desperate to go as deep as he could.

The first wave of pleasure hit him, and he knew he was so close to finishing. He pressed his forehead against Phoebe, mouth open, sharing a breath with her.

He could’ve looked at her body when he finished. He could’ve focused in on how sexy her hips snapped against him, or the curve of her hips, or her breasts and the way they moved with each of Phoebe’s movements.

But all Rafael wanted to do was look her in the eye. So he did.

He squeezed her fingers.

He looked into her eyes — her sweet, brown eyes, and Rafael thought about how kind they were, how beautiful and sweet and doe-like they were. He thought about earlier, and the emotion that he’d seen in them. Rafael thought about the way Phoebe promised to help him figure things out.

Rafael couldn’t contain himself anymore.

It was all so much, and Phoebe was so special to him —

“Now, please. Please.”

Rafael felt her around his cock, tight and wet, and he didn’t ever think he’d adjust to how good she felt wrapped around him. It was the most delicious feeling in the whole world, and it was made significantly better because Rafael had been looking deep into her eyes.

Rafael groaned as he felt his orgasm spill out of his cock, inside of Phoebe.

[inolienkiki]

far be it from me to complain about gift mishaps. it’s the thought that counts. but sometimes there is no thought involved, in which case it does not count.

so, my grandma;

(for context, she is self-centered and emotionally abusive. I have wanted to cut her off for ages but I cannot do this because of the way she would react, especially to my mother.)

I could go into the ten thousand thoughtless comments and belittlements she started the night with but I will cover simply the gift.

she hands me a little bag which I unwrap, as she explains that my mom told her it would be a “simple Christmas”. this is true! since I’m only visiting, my parents and I agreed it would probably be smart not to give any gifts that I might have trouble transporting, so they got me loungewear, and gift cards to a few of my favorite stores and restaurants. excellent, thoughtful, sweet, no notes.

inside the bag, wrapped in tissue paper, in an unsealed envelope marked with a nickname I have never used, a card:

“… Your gift is the same as last year … You have to ‘rescue’ it from my phone - I’ll watch and learn - … Zillions of Happy New Year! …”

grandma got me a sundance gift card for the third time in a row. I think she forgot she got me one for my birthday too, which I still haven’t used (because their inventory was expensive and kinda ugly). I did thank her the first time, so I guess that’s why…?

ok, sure. she gets her phone out and starts rummaging around in her email. “would they send it to google?” she complains continually while my mom has to spend five minutes cajoling and reminding her that she said she’d let me find it.

confirmation turns out to be in her texts. order requires a code sent to email to view details, but since she mistyped her email, not only was the gift card never delivered, I can’t even access it to fix it. I guess she did not notice this in the two weeks since she bought the card. “oh, it’s fiiine! we just won’t use that one, and I’ll buy another.” my mom had to explain to her that she had already spent the money. great job!

she got both my parents target gift cards. there is no reasoning or motivation behind this that I can fathom, but at least they got real cards.

I am going to be talking about this woman so much this month that I will tag it #grandma update

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

they r compeeting,,,,, for ur HEART

ive been sitting on this idea for the pawn au for so long n last night i was asked to make some fluff of the Angst Supreme au so uh. this is way way lower effort than it should be but at least its smthn ig skjdfhsdjkfhsdf

i forget who it was who coined the term 'gigachad Eclipse' on my blog but fam i think abt u and ur brilliant brain every day. ur a gift to this world

[mayakimayahai]

Did I cry from exhaustion? Yes.

But did I complete my work? Nope

Am I still exhausted? Yes. Both physically and mentally.

Do I have a right to be tired? Not really kaam toh kiya nahi poora

But am I on my period? YEP.

Will I cry again? Probably yeah

[lialox]

In the process of 1.5 hours, so much drama was revealed to me that I’m cancelling my next trip back to my hometown next year.

[uncanny-tranny]

See, I do dream of labour, but what I dream about is labour that isn't soul-sucking, redundant, or bullshit jobs made to make the world a worse place.

[the-deadlock-south]

we lost the game but i won in looking cracked in front of strangers so did we (i) really lose (yes)

[whorejolras]

loved your take on enjolras as a sex worker!! (saw that you were getting hate over it but i couldn't find the post to reblog and support so im sending an ask instead)

in this house we respect and support sex work and its contribution to SEVERAL movements thank you very much

🥹 thank you omg 🥲 people get mad bc they're reactionary to sex work in general and don't want to admit it but they have an idea that the characters they like are "too good (or insert puritan description here)" to be associated with sex workers. they see it as something lesser and feel insulted that a character they're attached to is conflated with something they look down on, and rather than challenge the internal biases that make them look down in sw they get angry at the sex worker saying it. i mean this even happens when i hc the canon sex worker as a sex worker so i can't be surprised really 😭

just u guys wait until the enjolras sw au is finished y'all will see how real political organising sex worker enjolras is 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 especially when we're talking transmasc enjolras working in drag as a woman, cut off from his family and needing a job that will allow him the most time to contribute to the cause and the most money to redistribute in his community. i have so many feelings about that *gripping emoji*

[calamitys-child]

I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.

[bobomcfoe]

9, 11, 19 and 20 for the year end asks :)

9. Best month of this year for you

Ooooh hard to say... I'm always inclined to say one of the summer months, despite the exhaustion that they give me (working ~50hrs a week, often early mornings and late nights) because even though they leave me too tired to do hardly anything, I love the summer so much 😭 getting to spend my days at the pool is my favorite thing, and I LOVE my coworkers with my whole heart. So probably June, before the burnout really set in, but I was still at the pool and loving it :)

11. Something you want to do again next year

I would love to go on some weekend trips with my friends again! I really enjoy those short trips with the people I love :) also sorry to talk about work again but I really do love my job - I am so so excited to teach more lifeguarding and BLS classes, they're one of my favorite parts of my job

19. What are you excited for about next year?

For the sun to come back... but that's every year. I'm planning on getting my AEMT and - if it proves possible - going to paramedic school next year. So I'm excited about that!! I would love to work full time in emergency medicine and then keep my work at the pool to summers and teaching classes only, which are my favorite parts anyway

20. What's something you learned this year?

I learned to knit AND I made my first quilt! Those were both really cool skills to learn, and though I haven't done much quilting since my first one, I have done a lot of knitting :) so I'm really happy about those both

Thank you for this ask, it's a lot of fun to look at my year in review like this !

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.

[puthyflapps]

Swifties prove everyday that they’re the dumbest people on the internet and that’s really saying something cuz I’ve dealt directly with blarkes

[maranello]

Why is Santander the root of all evil 😗 very curious to know

Sigh. Okay. Just know that I am not un-biased and I am just. tired and fed up fed up with Ferrari F1 shenanigans. Buckle up, kids, this is going to be a long one:

1. In the two periods of Santander's relationship with Ferrari (2010-2017; 2021-current), we have seen a Spanish driver in a Ferrari seat, questionable-at-best management decisions and from the pit wall, the phrase "internal politics" underlie every conversation surrounding why Ferrari has not won another title since 2007/2008, while Red Bull somehow are snagging consecutive titles. Did I mention our cars are not performing well either?

So if I had a nickel. For every time this has happened. I would have two nickels. And two times is not much in the grand scheme of things, but it is in the span of 15 years. Like. 10 out of the 15 years. You know, the very same 15 years since Ferrari last won an F1 title.

I personally think if you have not won a title in 15 years maybe you should stop doing the same things that have not won you a title in those 15 years. 2. Putting the viscerally unsavory flashbacks of longsuffering tifosi and outright conspiracy theories aside, to put it bluntly: Santander Group, a Spanish bank, had been the title sponsor (first period) and is one of the the biggest sponsors (current period) of Scuderia Ferrari F1. When you are such a big sponsor, you have a say in things, and Santander have a vested interest in seeing the Spanish driver they are backing to succeed at Ferrari. Now, whether that is in Scuderia Ferrari's best interests or gives it the best shot at winning anything is a different matter— The board and the management of Ferrari are obligated to contend with what Santander wants. It would be wrong to assume that Santander can single-handedly call the shots in Ferrari as a big sponsor, but it would also be wrong to deny that they can, possibly do, and likely have played a part in the famed internal politics of Scuderia Ferrari in the time(s) that they have been sponsors. 3. It is one thing to say that Silverstone 2022 was "gifted" to Carlos Sainz Jr. But another to highlight what Santander's official account posted under Ferrari's post praising Charles' efforts in the race (after the pit wall royally screwed his race up with a win on the line and more importantly, a championship, mind you, at that point, still to play for):

While we always have to keep in mind that official social media accounts are often just corporate personas and are very deliberate about what they do to get your sympathy and your engagement— What can you possibly gather from a comment like that?

I want to see Scuderia Ferrari consistently challenging for and winning championships again. I want to see decisions being made that support this goal. At that point in 2022, Charles was still our best and realistically only shot. To see a comment being made like that so blatantly on an official account that could (and from a PR standpoint, should've!!!) easily be using corporate teamwork language?

It was hard to give Santander the benefit of the doubt that this partnership, this time, does enough to serve Ferrari in its goals rather than obstruct it. And a large part of that is also on management for not being firm with how much input to take balancing what a sponsor wants and what is good for the team.

4. The bulk of the issues that Ferrari fans have with this whole Santander situation has a lot more to do with Ferrari's internal politics getting in the way of doing what needs to be done on a management level to win - and the way that affects the relationship of Ferrari with other talented drivers, such as Kimi Räikkönen (which this article someone dug up on Twitter from 2012 goes into) and Felipe Massa, whom I need you to remember was not just some almost-world champion of 2008, but was considered one of the very best talents of his generation and groomed to be the heir of Michael at Ferrari in 2006.

This is not a knock at "Santander-backed" drivers or to say they unfairly got their positions and brought nothing to the table. I, for one, have a soft spot for the Fernando Alonso years because he was the first Ferrari driver I actually got to see race in person. He came so close to the title in 2010. And to this day I still have no idea how he was a title contender to the end with that car in 2012. And clearly in the year of our lord 2023, you see he still has that killer drive to get to whatever team it takes that can give him the best shot at winning and still has all the talent in the world + experience as a 2X F1 world champion/Le Mans winner today to back it up. (I would have loved to be watching him race if I could bear to look at Formula 1 this year with how Ferrari is doing.)

Charles Leclerc is, to the tifosi, and I believe to good part of Ferrari itself and many who had been a part of Ferrari, special, though. He is a generational talent. He has grown up through the ranks of Ferrari's own driver academy and is the very first to make it to the works team, in a very short time too. To many of us longsuffering Ferrari fans, it seems that surely, provided he has the right car and a good team in the pits and on the wall, he will bring the championship back to us. If Ferrari cannot win with him, who has been steadfast and loyal even through a rough year like 2020 and has performed nothing short of miracles with a shitbox of a car, then Ferrari's the problem. And the biggest problem being things—whether it is internal politics (largely) or ego (also huge) or plain bad decision making (I don't know how to fix this) or technological development (least of our problems really, Ferrari is capable of producing good cars)—keep getting in the way of Ferrari fixing its problems and winning a goddamn championship.

So, we are at Santander Ferrari 2: Electric Boogaloo. Charles' current 5-year contract is ending in 2024. If, let's just say, poor decision-making from the pit wall at crucial moments costing not just wins but potential championship contention, internal politicking that seem to leave a legendary racing marque completely unable to get out of a 15-years-and-counting deep hole it keeps digging further, technological developments that despite sacrificing seasons for keep missing the regulations and even when it gets marginally right will ultimately be sniped by poor pit wall calls or the FIA & co. anyways, etc., Charles, who has taken the brunt of a lot of blame off the shoulders of the team and repeatedly reiterated his dedication to winning the title with Ferrari, decides to look elsewhere—

Do you see why alarm bells are ringing for Ferrari fans?

I feel that it's just such a misrepresentation to say that all the reaction we have been seeing against Santander are just Charles Leclerc fangirls looking to discredit Carlos Sainz Jr., making up conspiracy theories about "Sainztander," and bullying his fans etc. Santander meddling in Ferrari is not a newly invented narrative nor is it a completely unfounded suspicion by salty fans.

To me, Ferrari will always come first. Ferrari always should come first. So it is great when the interests of big sponsors, drivers, the management, and the team itself all align. It is also incredibly rare. This entanglement with Santander, from 2021 onwards, just increasingly feels like a mistake because it seems that—and I hope to God I am wrong—Ferrari has not learned anything from our first stint with Santander, and it will cost us.

5. So we arrive here: the morning of April 15, 2023.

Lapo Elkann, with his wild eyes and tattoos, colorful personality (and personal history) to match the blazers and pants he wears, has been in a lot of contact with his brother John Elkann, the chosen heir of the Agnelli family of Fiat fortune, recently. After a period of rather unusual quietness on his usually busy Twitter— perhaps coinciding with the various woes that have been falling upon family-owned sports franchises named Juventus FC and Scuderia Ferrari, of which he is an avid and active fan of— Lapo has returned to the public light, tweeting his thoughts on anything that he sees fit, punctuated with pithy uses of CAPITALIZATION and a variegated arsenal of emojis 🔥♥🙏👀.

AND SO, on this fine morning of April 15, 2023— nearly two weeks after a disastrous Australian Grand Prix to forget for Scuderia Ferrari— Lapo Elkann tweeted thus:

Ferrari 🏎️ needs ❤️ Seriousness and [a] Winning Team in the Pits and Outside it's time to WAKE UP enough with politics and games like this WE WILL NEVER WIN ‼️ ‼ ‼ ‼ ‼

Is—

Is that—

Mamma mia.

Here we go agai—

[maraeffect]

hi everyone, this is my monthly check-in <3