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juyeonszn · 1 year ago

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POISON IN MY MIND

PAIRING lee hyunjae x f!reader

WORD COUNT 5.54k

GENRES smut ﹒ some angst (but very little)

WARNINGS 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, mature language, ceo/ceo’s son!hyunjae, assistant!reader, power play tbh, hyunjae is an asshole (for what he thinks is good reason), another jacob bae appearance, juyeon is also mentioned, there’s a rain scene bc i love my rain scenes <3, hyunjae is a stupid idiot, making out (aggressively), nipple play, no foreplay lol, unprotected sex, sex on a desk x2 — but one is missionary & one is doggy? style?, overstimulation, degradation, brat taming?, creampie lol, the aftercare is there i promise

SUMMARY who really cared that you supposedly hated your boss?

MORE HELLAURRRRR FAWNTOBER DAY 4!!! im hoping i have no delays with the rest of the fics but idk bc the burnout is starting to kick in….. someone pls help…. it’s bc my brain is making me write more than i planned 😭 anyways! pls reblog if u enjoyed!

PERM TAGLIST @winterchimez @maessseongs @itsbeeble @zzoguri

“Look at you, rutting against me like a fucking bitch in heat,” Hyunjae growls, lips beside your ear as he pounds into you from behind, your hair wrapped tightly around his fist. “Thought you hated me, sweetheart.”

“I— fuck— I do,” you whine, back arching off of the desk and into his chest. “I hate you s-so goddamn much.”

Okay, let’s rewind for a bit of context.

Truly, you hated Lee Hyunjae. He was such a pretentious prick, always dead set on being right about everything. He couldn’t stand those who he felt were inferior to him, those who he thought were incompetent. If he felt you couldn’t do your job to his standards, he’d fire you on the spot.

Despite not being the CEO of the company himself, he practically carried all of the perks that came with the position. That was only because he was the actual CEO’s son and the future heir to the conglomerate his father owned.

You had the unfortunate pleasure of being his assistant, tied to doing his bidding until your contract with the company timed out. You originally applied for the job for two reasons. The first was due to the fact that you genuinely loved the initial purpose pushed forward by the CEO. He shared a lot of similar ideals with you and had spectacular visions for bettering the business world. The second was because at the time of your application, you wanted to be the CEO’s assistant. And that was what you’d gotten hired for.

It paid more than well enough and it was your dream job. You loved what you did for at least the first year and a half. Until he announced that he’d be retiring within the next couple years and his son would be taking over as a form of practice for being in charge when he inherited the entire conglomerate.

You’d never met him in person before, only hearing the high praises Mr. Lee had for his precious son. So on his first day, you had extremely raised expectations for the male. You dressed your best (not that you didn’t put effort in before) and put on your sweetest personality, wanting to make a good impression on your new boss.

Imagine the disappointment you felt when you realized he was nothing but an entitled asshole.

He made you feel stupid, as if you didn’t know how to do your own job. What started as sitting in on important meetings and going over different documents with Mr. Lee, turned into running errands for Hyunjae and cleaning up his messes. If you weren’t out buying his coffee or grabbing his dry cleaning, you were sorting his paperwork for him and making sure he was prepared for his upcoming conferences, as if he wasn’t capable of doing so himself. You felt like a fucking babysitter rather than an assistant; like an errand boy rather than an employee.

You were so incredibly tired and it had only been four months. A few, tortuous months of you being treated like you hadn’t already given an arm and a leg for this company. Half of you wanted to just throw in the towel, rip up the damn contract right in front of the fucker and walk out of those gold plated double doors for good.

“Just push through, Y/N,” Jacob sighs over the video call. “Your contract ends at the end of the year, and if you still feel like quitting, then that’s that. You don’t have to worry about renewing or trying to reinstate your job.”

You were on your lunch break, holed away in one of the many unused conference rooms on the top floor. Hyunjae was being extra irritating today and if you didn’t speak with a voice of reason, you thought you’d make a drastic decision that would alter the course of your life forever. Whether that was tossing your employee contract in the shredder, or committing premeditated murder, the world may never know. Shout out to Jacob Bae.

“What if I push him out of the floor-to-ceiling window in his office? I could make it look like an accident. Everyone would probably rejoice instead of mourning him, because we would all be so much happier.” You throw the back of your hand over your forehead. Well, that answers that.

“You’re not killing anyone. If you got caught, you wouldn’t look good in a prison jumpsuit. Orange isn’t your color.” Jacob shakes his head, rolling his eyes playfully.

You gasp scandalously, sitting upright to gape at him. “What the hell? Yes, I so would! I would make that prison jumpsuit my bitch—“

Someone clears their throat behind you, causing you to flinch, whipping around in your swivel chair to find the culprit. When it’s none other than Lee Hyunjae staring back at you, you feel like your life has just flashed before your eyes. You wonder just how much of that conversation he heard before making his presence known.

“Um, Cobie, I’m gonna have to call you back…” You don’t allow your friend time to respond, ending the call before he can incriminate you more than you already have.

Hyunjae leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his absurdly broad chest. Did this guy have to wear the tightest dress shirts possible? Maybe it was time for him to update his wardrobe. You tuck your hair behind your ear, slowly standing up from the chair. His expression is unreadable, not that you ever had it easy when it came to understanding the many faces of Lee Hyunjae.

“Mr. Lee, what— uh— what can I do for you?” You ask with a slight waver in your tone. So much for not incriminating yourself. He purses his lips, taking a step closer to you.

“Juyeon can no longer accompany me on the trip to Tokyo next week. Which means you’re second on the totem pole,” he says simply, loosening his tie. “Better pack your bags, ‘cause I’m not taking no for an answer.”

This was horrible.

You were mentally cursing Lee Juyeon over and over. Why did he have to back out at the last minute? This was the one part of the job that you couldn’t allow yourself to do. You’d much rather drive in circles around Seoul and grab iced Americanos than be in a completely different country, with no other company aside from Lee Hyunjae himself.

When he gave you your demise, you immediately tried to get out of it. Your excuse was valid; you didn’t have a passport and that’s kind of essential when traveling to another country. But even then, it wasn’t enough to get you out of this predicament. Being the rich, influential man he was, Hyunjae had your passport expedited and sent to your mailbox within a couple days. You gave up after that.

There was nothing he couldn’t do.

Except maybe being tolerable. You think that was most likely his only fault. He could’ve been the complete package had he mastered the art of bedside manner. His father was one of the kindest, selfless men you’d ever met. You were often curious why those same traits didn’t translate to his son. Then again, he had probably been raised as a spoiled brat who got everything his heart desired.

To make matters worse, you had one of those suites with a Jack and Jill bathroom, meaning he could enter yours without difficulty if he wanted. You supposed that was because the rooms were reserved with him and Juyeon in mind. Perhaps the case would be different if you were the first pick for this trip.

You let out a deep exhale, waiting outside of the conference room that Hyunjae was currently in. This was meeting number seven, and the last of the day before you could finally go back to the hotel and relax. You’d be flying back to South Korea the following day on the Lees’ private jet. All of your time in Japan had been spent both sitting in and sitting out of board meetings, so much talk about business plans that you felt dizzy.

All you yearned for was a nice warm bath and some room service, wanting to call it an early night because of your flight in the morning. You were exhausted, eyes growing heavier and heavier the longer Hyunjae sat in that room full of old men that came from bloodlines of money. Even though it was your job to be here, you felt so out of place. There were moments you found yourself contemplating your career path. You were surrounded by people who could just sign a check to get rid of their life problems. That wasn’t you.

Before you can fall down a rabbit hole, the door to the conference room is swinging open and Hyunjae is storming out, some of the other board members calling after him. Your eyes widen and your eyebrows furrow, your body springing up to follow after him. Wearing some flats instead of heels was probably the smartest choice you’d made today, making it less of a struggle to chase after your boss.

“Mr. Lee!” You cup a hand around your mouth, trailing him like a lost puppy to the elevator. It closes before you can get on and you groan, running a hand through your hair frustratedly. As you wait for the next one down, you call the driver so the car is waiting out front. According to the recent weather notification on your phone, it was pouring outside.

The elevator dings when it arrives back at the floor you were on and you hurry to get on, pressing the lobby level aggressively in hopes it would move faster. Even the soothing music playing over the speakers isn’t enough to calm your nerves, picking at your nails as the numbers transition to the corresponding floors you pass. This was one of the numerous occasions you wished your boss wasn’t so impulsive. What did they even say to him in that meeting to cause such a reaction?

The doors open and you’re rushing out, frantically searching for Hyunjae in the lobby. You spot the driver parked under the carport, waiting. Your feet carry you to the car, knocking on the window to get his attention. He rolls it down with a confused look.

“Have you seen Mr. Lee?” You ask, a bit winded by all of the running you’d been doing.

“I thought I saw him walk that way,” he points ahead, though it hardly answers your question. “I didn’t realize you weren’t with him.”

Just fucking peachy. He was making you chase him into the rain now? You needed a pay raise.

Thankfully, it’s a breeze to spot him, since he’s the only person in the crowd without an umbrella. You pinch the bridge of your nose, forcing yourself to walk out into the cold rain, weaving through pedestrians to get to him faster. He’s not much further from you, but you’d rather drag his ass back to the car sooner rather than later, the precipitation seeping through your dress shirt and pants, chilling you to the bone.

“Mr. Lee!”

You reach for his wrist and wrap your fingers around it, yanking slightly to yield his focus. He turns around with hardened features, but they soften just enough for you to notice when he realizes that it’s you. Your lips form a flat line, eyelashes coated with a mixture of mascara and rain water, obscuring your vision.

“I don’t know what happened in there, but I don’t have it in me to ask. Please, can we just go back to the hotel?” You ask almost desperately, teeth beginning to chatter. He frowns, but nods nonetheless, letting you pull him to the safety of the carport— where you’re free from the unrelenting pelts against your body— and into the car.

You don’t say anything the whole drive to the hotel you’re staying at, biting your tongue because you were afraid you might blow up on him over his stupidity and get yourself fired. Your bottom lip quivers and you hug yourself for warmth, the car’s heater failing to bring back the color in your cheeks. In spite of hating nearly everything about him, you thought the one good thing Hyunjae had going for him was his wits. He might’ve been stuck up, but he was smart as hell. Except right now. In your books, he was the biggest idiot in the history of idiots.

The silence continues even after you’ve arrived at your hotel, shadowing you into the elevator and to your respective rooms. You don’t acknowledge him, unlocking your suite and entering to avoid any conversation. The remainder of your energy for the day was used when you were attempting to save him from getting fucking hypothermia.

You stand in the shower until your fingers have pruned, resting your forehead against the frosted glass as the scorching water battered your back, easing the tension in your muscles. While changing into your pajamas, your phone buzzes with a text message.

[9:23pm] mr. lee (DNI): i don’t know if u’ve eaten already, but i ordered a lot of food if u’d like to have some of it.

[9:24pm] mr. lee (DNI): left my bathroom door unlocked so u can just let urself in

Your lips purse as you mull over his offer. It wasn’t exactly an olive branch, but even if it was, you wouldn’t take it as such. You had too much pride for that. Instead you viewed this as him just feeling guilty for having you pursue him in the rain. That was definitely not in your job description. Perhaps he wasn’t as heartless as he made himself out to be, and he just didn’t know how to extend an apology without being awkward about it.

Reluctantly, you give in.

[9:27pm] you: sure. be right there

You slide your feet into your slippers and shuffle through the four doors between the two of you that lead to his suite. It takes everything in you to not visibly react to the difference between your rooms. His is so much more spacious, with enough room for a table and couches, aside from the usual desk. Even he looks expensive, a silk pajama set adorning his body— the first few buttons undone to give you a glimpse of his chest, though it hardly leaves room for the imagination.

Hyunjae sits at the table, various sushi roll platters in front of him. He holds up his chopsticks as he scrolls through his phone mindlessly, glancing up when your slippers shuffle against the floor. He takes in your appearance as quickly as he can without making it obvious, the corner of his lips curling up when he sees the teddy bears on your feet.

“You know, I didn’t think you’d come,” he starts after a few minutes of eating in an awkward quietness. “Not just here, to my room, but on the trip in general. I thought you’d put up a bigger fight to get out of it.”

“It’s part of my job, Mr. Lee.” You say flatly, taking away as much emotion from the statement as you could to avoid getting in an unnecessary argument.

“We’re not at work and it’s outside of working hours, Y/N. You can call me Hyunjae.” He tries to meet your eyes but they’re focused on picking at the skin around your nails, legs criss-crossed on your seat.

“Why do you go by Hyunjae?” You decide to ask, glancing up at him finally. “Your dad said your birth name was Jaehyun.”

“I don’t remember when exactly it was, but when I was in grade school, a classmate called me Hyunjae by accident and it just stuck. I’ve never really liked the name Jaehyun, if I’m being honest. It was a common name, and well, you of all people should know that I’m all about my individuality.” He leans back in his chair a bit, folding his arms over his chest. You ignore how it makes his pectorals squish together. God, you were no better than man…

“Is that why you’re nothing like your father?” You don’t mean to say that out loud. The thought popped into your head, as it always does, and for some reason this time it just shimmies its way through your mouth. You press your lips together, shifting uncomfortably at the sudden tension that arises in the room.

“I’m well aware of what you think of me, Y/N,” he chides, tapping his fingers against his biceps. “You may think you’re good at hiding it, but I’m very perceptive. And I also overheard that conversation with your friend— the one where you were plotting my assassination and whatnot.”

“Are you open to rebuttal?” Perhaps you should just stop talking, maybe pause the hole you were digging yourself into. Did you want to keep your job? Sure this was all off the record, but be fucking for real, it was Hyunjae you were speaking with.

He shrugs. “Shoot. Let’s hear it.”

“You’re kind of a narcissist,” you kick off strong, hitting him right where you think it may hurt. “You don’t take in the consideration of others, and you always have to be correct. If someone even slightly disagrees with you, you lose your shit. You’re condescending, you’re a perfectionist, you’re hot headed, and after the stunt you pulled today, you’ve exhibited that you’re also really fucking irrational. I’ve done so much in the time I’ve been with the company prior to you, I’ve given so much of myself for the improvement that your father was aiming for and you took all that hard work and crushed it between your fingers, just to have me running around like I’m your maid.”

Hyunjae wears an amused smirk on his lips, like he couldn’t be bothered with your grievances. Your eye practically twitches, irritation boiling up like water ready for a pasta dinner. You stab your chopsticks into a piece of sushi with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re cute when you get worked up,” he hums, carding a hand through his hair. “I almost want to keep my thoughts to myself.”

You choke on your saliva, smacking yourself on the chest to regain control of your breathing. Whatever you were expecting him to say wasn’t that. Should he even be calling you that? He was your boss. Not just that, but you sort of hated everything there was to hate about him. The tiny compliment shouldn’t make both of your heartbeats quicken.

“W-What are you talking about?”

Hyunjae stands from his chair, walking around the table to sit on the edge of the desk in the room, not much further away but enough distance to keep you calm. He rolls his neck, scratching at the nape to relieve some of the awkwardness seeping into the suite. “My father has done nothing but sing your praises since he hired you. I know how capable you are of this job, Y/N. I know that you’ve accomplished more than individuals who have been with the company even longer than you. Trust me, I know.”

“Then why do you discard me the way you do? Why do you treat me like I don’t know what I’m doing?” This time you don’t stop the emotions from creeping beneath your words, your voice cracking just slightly. If Hyunjae heard, he makes no effort to show it.

“Because, I had to keep myself as far from you as possible,” he admits, finally making eye contact. “From the moment I laid eyes on you, I was fucked. I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself around you and as your boss, I couldn’t do that. As my father’s son, I couldn’t do that. So I resorted to the next best thing, making you hate me and having you do shitty side tasks to separate myself from you. I thought, ‘If she thinks I’m the worst boss ever, she’ll want nothing to do with me’. And that’s exactly what my goal was. But now you’re here in Tokyo, alone with me in my hotel room and I’m starting to rethink that decision.”

You stare at him— mouth agape, heart in your throat. Once upon a time, you believed Lee Hyunjae was one of the brightest, smartest businessmen of your generation. It seemed that he just wanted to go and prove you wrong on that today, in multiple instances. How could someone be so fucking stupid? You were genuinely curious what went through his head.

“You’re unbelievable,” you scoff, a laugh devoid of humor sneaking in along with it as you stand from your own chair. “Actually unbelievable. What made you think that was a good idea? You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be in this position because you didn’t think you could keep it in your pants around me?”

And just as you’re about to leave, he wraps his fingers around your wrist to stop you. You were getting a weird sense of déjà vu. He pulls you into his chest, your body sandwiched between his legs as he holds you close to him. Your eyes are wide and your lips are parted. (Though you don’t know if it’s out of shock, sudden arousal, or both.)

In this proximity, you can see every small detail of his face. From the freckle on the bridge of his nose to the thick eyelashes framing dark eyes to the softness of his lips. You’ve never had the opportunity to properly look at Hyunjae, always too pissed off to even be within ten feet of him. But standing here— face-to-face, eye-to-eye— you’re starting to wish the object of your hatred and many complaints wasn't so handsome.

“If you push me away now, I’ll leave you alone forever,” he breathes, hands fisting the material of your pajama top, as if that would ground him. “If you tell me there’s absolutely no possibility of you wanting me back, I’ll let you go back to your room like none of this happened.”

You don’t respond. The words are right there. They’re perched on the tip of your tongue, just anticipating to climb out of your mouth and put him in his place. It’s been months of constantly feeling like you were meaningless to the company you’ve given so many sleepless nights to— months of second guessing just how much you’ve actually contributed. But with one glance down to your lips with eyes resembling the night sky, Hyunjae has managed to wipe all of that from your memory.

So instead of turning around— instead of walking through the four doors that divide your hotel rooms— you stay planted between his thighs, grabbing the sides of his face and pulling his lips onto your own.

He groans into the kiss, tightening his grip on your shirt and bringing you closer to him. You feel him against your stomach, hard and ready for you, ready for any contact you’re willing to give him. It’s so much and too little at the same time, fingers slipping beneath your top and searing your skin.

He nips at your bottom lip, as if asking for permission to permeate your mouth with his tongue. You welcome the wet muscle with gratitude, moaning when it tangles with yours. The blunt edges of his nails dig into your lower back when the sound hits his ears. You tug at the hairs on the base of his neck, one hand sliding down the front of his body to feel him up.

Through the thin silk of his pajamas you can make out the outline of his sculpted torso. If Hyunjae was more coherent and less intoxicated by your lips on his, he’d tease you for your desperation. But because he's neither of those, he, too, finds himself clawing at every bit of fabric of your clothing he can, longing to touch anything he can get his hands on. You feel drunk, and you wonder if he makes you feel like this with his lips alone, what else can he do?

The straps of your top fall off your shoulders the longer you stand there, making out like it was second nature to both of you. When you take a step back to catch your breath, lips swollen and glistening with a mixture of both yours and his saliva. Your chests are heaving up and down, foreheads resting on the other’s.

“Can I take that as a yes?” Hyunjae rasps, pushing your straps further down your arms. You whine, connecting your mouths again. This was embarrassing enough, you didn’t want to have to say the words out loud. Saying it out loud made this real, and you didn’t want to accept the fact that you were about to fuck your boss.

He chuckles against your lips, undoing the buttons of his shirt without parting from your kiss. You help him toss it somewhere in the room, your hands groping his arms and squeezing his biceps. He spins the two of you around so you’re the one with the edge of the desk on your back. His arms hook under your thighs, placing you on the surface so it’s less strain on his neck as he leans down.

You instinctively spread your legs to make room for him, throwing your head back with a drawn out sigh when he presses two fingers to your core. Even with your panties and your flimsy pajama shorts in the way, the pressure relieves some of the ache you feel in your gut. Your top slips off enough that your bare breasts are now on full display for Hyunjae. He keeps circling your clit through your clothes, mouth enveloping one of your peaked nipples and tongue swirling around the sensitive bud.

“C-Can’t hold on anymore,” you whimper. “Need to cum on your cock.”

Something shifts in Hyunjae when he hears you beg. You’d always been so set in stone when it came to standing your ground, so for you to surrender yourself to him, in spite of reiterating how much you despise him, it did a number on his sanity. You have no idea what you’ve just done to him.

“No foreplay? Think you can handle it, sweetheart?” He goads, but his fingers dip into the waistband of both your underwear and your shorts to pull them down your legs anyway.

“You’re talking a whole lot for someone who’s still wearing their pants.” You bite back, but almost immediately retract your words when he rids them, revealing that he wasn’t wearing anything underneath them. No fucking wonder you could feel him so much.

He’s huge, like so huge you kind of regret skipping the foreplay. But it was too late to go back now, your pride as big as his dick. One of your hands reaches to wrap around his length, your teeth finding purchase on your lip as you stroke him gently. Every pulse and every vein beneath your touch has you curling your toes in excitement. He hisses when your thumb swipes over his tip, collecting the precum that’s formed there.

Hyunjae drags you closer to the edge, prying your legs wider so he fits perfectly between them. You guide him to your entrance, a moan ripping from your throat when he presses into you. He’s not even fully sheathed inside of you, but the stretch is so fucking delicious, stinging just enough that it provides pleasure rather than pain. He pulls out to drive back in and repeats, a little deeper each time he does.

When he bottoms out, his hips snap into yours, large hands keeping your thighs apart as he begins to thrust into you. His cock is snug within your warm walls, kissing so deep inside that you start to see stars well before the coil in your abdomen has begun to wind up. The noises leaving your mouth are insane, loud and echoing throughout the hotel room. It made shame bubble up in your chest, because why couldn’t your detestation overpower the urge to crumble at his fingertips?

“Fuck you’re so tight,” Hyunjae groans, eyes concentrated on where his cock slips in and out of you. “You needed this, huh? Needed me to fuck you real good? Like a filthy slut?”

You’ve never thought you’d be into degradation. In fact, a man calling you demeaning names actually pissed you off. So you felt like you’d end up picking a fight if ever in the situation where someone tried to degrade you. However, the words falling from Hyunjae’s lips have the opposite effect on you. They have you clenching around him and mewling like a goddamn pornstar.

His pace is relentless, inching you closer and closer to your breaking point. He lays you flat on the desk, one hand gripping your hip and the other sneaking to your clit. His thumb rubs ovular motions into the engorged skin, his body folding over yours to capture your lips with his. He swallows your cries when your climax washes over you suddenly, your walls fluttering around his cock.

Hyunjae pulls out before he can follow suit, flipping you onto your stomach like you were a fucking pancake. He bends you over the edge of the desk as his thumb continues to circle your clit slowly, languidly just to ride out your high. He propels forward, his dick still so hard as it breaches your hole once again. He curses, extra sensitive after depriving himself of his own orgasm.

You push back on him, wanting to feel him even deeper. Your whole body burns beneath him, his chest slick with sweat as it presses you flat to the desk. You need him everywhere, God you want him everywhere. It’s not enough to have him buried inside of you. You need to be one with him; one body, one mind, one soul. You need him filling your senses— blinding your sight, obstructing your scent, stealing your touch, invading your taste, muting your hearing.

Okay, now let’s resume.

“I— fuck— I do,” you whine, back arching off of the desk and into his chest. “I hate you s-so goddamn much.”

“Yeah? I’m sure you do. You hate me so much, yet you want me to fuck you full of my cum, don’t you? Gonna let me finish inside you?” His voice is exerted, and you can tell he’s close. But you are too, so you’re not above pleading for your sweet release. Not when it rewards you so well.

“Mhm,” you whimper, cheek smushed to the surface under you. “Please, Jae�� Need it so— oh my god— need it s-o bad.”

Hyunjae hikes one of your knees onto the desk, allowing him to plunge extensively. Your clit bumps the edge, that coil in your stomach fracturing little by little until it’s busted completely and you’re a babbling, incomprehensible mess. The sight of you fucked absolutely stupid tips Hyunjae into his own spiral, painting your velvety walls with thick ropes of his cum. He lets his forehead fall on your shoulder, rocking into you with delayed groans as he spills all he has to offer you. It’s so much that even his cock plugging you up isn’t sufficient to keep it from dribbling along your thighs.

You’re both too winded to move, much less fathom what just happened. You feel him panting on your back, eyes shut as you also attempt to regain your bearings. Where the hell do you go from here?

“H-Hyunjae…” You wince when he stirs inside of you. “Can— uh— can you pull out?”

He grunts as he carefully does what you’ve asked, running a hand down his face when more of his release trickles out of you. He knew you couldn’t afford another round. Just by looking at you he can see how spent you are. What you needed was another bath and some good rest. Without skipping a beat, he reaches out to tuck some strands of your hair that were stuck to your face behind your ear, wiping away the sweat that glued itself there.

“We have a lot to talk about,” he says, grasping your hands and caressing the backs with his thumbs. “But that can wait until tomorrow. For now, just let me take care of you, okay?”

“Okay.” You agree, tone no more voluminous than a whisper.

You did have a lot to discuss pertaining to tonight, but that wasn’t a priority at the moment. Who really cared that you supposedly hated your boss? All you could focus on was how gentle his fingers were as he washed your body for you, massaging your muscles so delicately you might as well have melted in the palms of his hands. And all you could pay attention to was the hushed sound of his voice as he kissed your temple and lulled you to sleep, within the comfort of his arms.

Yeah. You could revisit the whole Lee Hyunjae hatred train another day.

#the boyz #the boyz x reader #the boyz smut #tbz #tbz x reader #tbz smut #the boyz hyunjae #tbz hyunjae #lee hyunjae x reader #lee hyunjae smut #hyunjae x reader #hyunjae smut #juyeonszn #fawntober.2023🎃

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kcrossvine-art · 10 months ago

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hi birds of paradise and of prey! I sincerely hope your 2024 has been kind to you so far, and if it hasn't, I hope it starts being fucking nicer soon. We got eyes on it and are ready to take it out should it fail.

I'm coming to the end of my list here soon, so if anyone has ideas on what they'd like to see next, please do hit me up! Even if its just a piece of media with interesting food in it and not a specific dish you wanna see. My roommate got me a recipe book from that TikTok fantasy tavern guy, "recipes from the lucky gryphon"? So we could also take a shot at a few of those, although im not really familiar with his work. Regardless-

We will be making Stuffed Cabbage from Lord of the Rings Online today!

(As always you can find the cooking instructions and full ingredient list under the break-)

MY NAMES CROSS NOW LETS COOK LIKE ANIMALS

SO, “what goes in to this Stuffed Cabbage?” YOU MIGHT ASKYou cant kinda put whatever you want for seasonings and even the meat filling. I used ground beef but pork and lamb are also stellar candidates.

Yellow onion

Garlic

2 eggs

Ground beef

Rice

A head of cabbage

Oregano

Thyme

Red pepper flakes

Cumin

Crushed tomato

Tomato sauce

AND, “what does this Stuffed Cabbage taste like?” YOU MIGHT ASKBa bawsa

Very, very filling wow

2 rolls filled me up for a meal and i made about 20-ish from one head of cabage

A bit plain tbh, the texture is great but I'd really double up on the seasonings

A blank canvas for you to impart your spice preferences onto

Reheating makes it taste almost identical to fresh

Would pair well with a hot sauce dip

could also go well with an artichoke dip

If you run out of room and need to layer the rolls, I'd try experimenting with pouring some of the crushed tomato and sauce inbetween the stacked rolls. Otherwise the ones at the bottom lack a lot of the tomato flavor. However it might make the bottoms on the rolls laying ontop soggy?

. Where rice called for, used long grain white rice

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I've never blanched anything before. Theres not much western food that calls for it, meanwhile whenever my friend from malaysia shows a dish they ate, 9 times out of 10 the vegetables are blanched. Much easier process than the fancy name might suggest- boil water and dunk the thing in until its done. Whatever 'done' may be for the thing you are cooking.

Also for the ground beef (or whichever meat you use) you don't have to cook it beforehand, but in doing two tries at making these cabbage rolls i would recommend you at least season your meat before mixing it with everything else. The meat will cook to a safe temperature inside the cabbage rolls, i just prefer the taste and texture of it when cooked twice.

I give this recipe a meandering 7/10 (with 1 being food that makes one physically sick and 10 being food that gives one a lust for life again.) I want to review more horrible recipes, truly i do, so that the rating scale isnt always a 6 and above, but whenever i try something horrible its like "why the fuck would i put all the effort into making and sharing a review of this thing i Do Not Want others to eat????" yknow?? Would people be interested in roasting horrible recipes?

🐁 ORIGINAL RESIPPY TEXT BELOW 🐁

Ingredients:

1 yellow onion

6 cloves of garlic

2 eggs

2 lbs ground beef

1 1/2 cup cooked rice

1 large head of cabbage

28oz crushed tomato

14oz tomato sauce

Oregano

Thyme

Red pepper flakes

Cumin

Salt/pepper

Method:

Saute garlic and onion in butter over medium heat until onions are caramelized. When done, remove from heat and let cool.

Season the beef to your liking with cumin, red pepper, and salt. Very, very lightly cook the beef in the same pan used for the garlic and onions. Cook until it starts to brown, but dont let it darken.

Beat eggs thoroughly with oregano, thyme, salt, and pepper.

Add all of the above ingredients together in a bowl with (cooked!) rice. Mix thoroughly then cover and let rest in the fridge.

Core and blanche your cabbage in boiling water, peeling them off as they become limp.

Once you've separated all the leaves, cut off any thick stems that would prevent the leaf from folding.

Put roughly 2 tablespoons of meat filling into each leaf. Fold the sides of the leaf inwards and roll it up. Place each cabbage roll seam-down into a casserole dish.

If they don't all fit in one layer, its more than okay to stack. Try not to stack more than 2 layers though.

Once you've used all the cabbage, take your can of tomatos and pour them over the rolls. Mix some oregano into the tomato sauce and pour that over the rolls as well.

Bake uncovered in the oven at 350 for about 2 hours. Dont worry if a bit of tomato on top looks burnt.

IF REHEATING LEFTOVERS: Bake 10 cabbage rolls in the oven at 320 for about 40 minutes. Reduce time for less rolls.

#cross cooks lotr #food recipes #cabbage rolls #digital art

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little-miss-dilf-lover · 9 months ago

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I saw your requests were open and I came RUNNING! I’m the one who always requests dad!tan but I have a different one this time (barely) cause I’m thinking of like dad!pietro. Would love some HCs or a short fic, whatever you want honey. Love you and your writing!!

hii!! omg it’s you!! ofc angel, love you and hope you’re well💌

DAD PIETRO HCS.

— I feel like he's a boy dad (but maybe has 3 kids? twins - boy and girl age 5 or 6?? (can't help myself) and another little boy, like 2???? idk, not completely sure?? or just one kid?? no idea where I stand on the amount tbh lol)

— (might be stereotypical dad stuff but bc it's pietro it works) loves being able to do sporty things with the oldest boy. throwing balls in the garden, taking him to sports events, watching him at school games, taking him to practice - all that kind of stuff. he might be slightly disappointed if his son isn't into sports stuff, but he won't push it or make him feel bad about it

— the twins love to hold onto him as he speeds around

— he's a fun dad but he's not careless

— he wishes he had more time with his parents and often wishes they were around so they could meet his family. big, large families are a part of his culture (I think??? like an eastern european thing??) so he often feels like he's missing out and not able to continue traditions

— (im letting wanda have her boys and vision bc im not cruel) and bc pietro and wanda are orphans, they make conscious efforts to spend lots of time together - family is very important to them both. so they like to have game nights, sunday dinners, sleepovers for the kids, days out with both their families. they want their kids to be close cousins and do tonnes of fun stuff together

— the kids love his breakfasts bc he always does so much and makes it playful

— getting the kids ready for school is fun bc he's so fast and makes games out of it

— the kids love inviting their friends over so they can show off pietro. he secretly loves how cool they think he is. "your dad is so cool. wish mine was like that" he just loves it (even if it is the thought of a 5yr old with no real ability to think for themselves)

— very good at being a dad. it's like a natural instinct to him. he's like a fun uncle but with the responsibilities of a dad

— very active with the kids. always doing something sporty/ doing something outside

— love the idea of him in pjs in the morning and one kid is just hanging off him while he’s telling another what to do/ helping with homework, and feeding the youngest

— has dad facial hair scruff (🫠)

— when you come home and pietro had the day with the kids, they’d be sleeping on him on the sofa. both kids tucked into his side, little baby on his chest and the tv is playing cartoons. it’ll be your new lock screen

— he teaches the kids sokovian, and uses terms of endearment/ everyday words in his home language so the kids pick up on it. and more importantly use it

#ask #anon #pietro maximoff #pietro maximoff headcanon #pietro maximoff x reader #pietro x reader #dad pietro #pietro maximoff imagine

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ushiwakaout · 8 months ago

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Yooooo. I’m feeling kinda in a angst mood so I want to like politely ask maybe a argument scenario from like angst to fluff? For kita, Atsumu, Osamu, and Suna. Or you can just do one. Love yuh lots.

I’ll make these short and good so you can get the whole experience with 3 of them.

TIME SKIP!

SPOILERS!

BETA DRAFT! srry.

[Osamu is a little ooc tbh but i think out of all the haikyuu boys he’d be the most poetic and im leaving out Suna because i cannot seem to write him correctly for the life of me, i am not satisfied.]

Shinsuke Kita

He’s not emotional. We know this. He’s apathetic, and you knew this the second you got into this relationship so why are you arguing with him. He finds this pointless. He breathes heavily and pinches the ridge of his nose, “Don’t do that! You said you would do better and you haven’t! Are you even listening to me?”

“If you don’t like what we’ve got then just leave!” He slaps his sun hat on the table, his gloves are still on. Kita literally just got back from a long, hot, exhausting day at the rice farm.

He didn’t mean to yell, and he didn’t mean the words that slipped out his mouth. It was too late. He knew that. Kita stared at his shoes, not daring to look at you. “Seriously? Kita? You promised me you’d try be more expressive with me…”

He tugs at you heart strings when he keeps his head down, he’s squeezing the chair nearby and it’s making his knuckles white. “Kita…” You try to cup his cheek, making an effort to try and get him to look at you but he swatted your hand away.

“That’s enough y/n, I don’t need you to babysit my emotions and the way i express things.”

Oh now you where upset.

You took a couple of steps back in disbelief, “I understand that you’ve been having a difficult time at the farm but that’s not an excuse for being a shit boyfriend… How about i take a load off your shoulders- we’re done Shinsuke, I-I’ve had enough…”

He doesn’t stop you from collecting your things. He doesn’t stop you from walking out the door.

It slams shut and he’s just standing there, in his empty kitchen. His house is a ghost of you. Every corner had been decorated by you. So he looks to the floor.

Tears fall to his shoes and he’s shaking.

It’s from crying he thinks, but the more he cries the harder he was shaking.

“Kita.”

Your soft whisper breaks him from a nightmare.

His cheeks are wet.

He was crying. But it wasn’t real.

“Kita? What’s wrong honey? You were having a nightmare…”

His head was still resting on your chest, the same position he was originally in before his nightmare. You caressed his hair. He loved feeling your fingers run through your hair. He felt safe. Kita tightened his hold around you, “I’m okay now.” He whispered, kissing the closes part of you before nuzzling back into your chest. “I love you, y/n… i know i can be a little apathetic… but i care for you the most in this world.”

Atsumu Miya

He’s always been a ladies man.

You hate how stupid good looking he is.

It makes you feel insecure sometimes how much he gets hit on and you don’t. “It’s because he’s respected in the male community.” His twin brother spoke. “Everyone knows your his partner… so they back off.” It made your head hurt.

At a large volleyball gathering, you decided to wear something a little more eye catching. He thinks nothing of it, he tells you how amazing you look and you’re off to the party.

He’s pissed that he’s brought you now.

Who the hell told him it would be a good idea to bring his freaking partner. Osamu laughed at him when he mentioned something about it. “Now you can finally see how y/n feels…” Atsumu raised a brow. “What do you mean by that?”

Osamu regrets speaking. He lets out a sigh, “Y/n been feeling insecure lately. They don’t like the way you instigate things with them, that your flirty or that you look at them for that matter-“

Atsumu began waving his hands, trying to get him to stop speaking “You sure they didn’t you you were me? T-they wouldn’t keep something like that from me...” He glances over at you, a man from a different team was making your laugh. You fixed your hair shyly as you smile to the man who talks to you.

Before Osamu could try and stop his brother from doing anything stupid. He hand already marched towards you. “Uh yeah excuse me- this is my partner and we are leaving, thank you for keeping her company-”

“Atsunu what the fu-”

He’s dragging you out of the building and you don’t struggle, he was never one to run out of a party so the suden rush prevented you from even thinking of stopping him.

“Atsumu can you please tell me what the hell we’re doing out here! I’m freezing!”

His hand was still squeezing your bicep, “Why did Osamu have to tell me that you’ve been feeling insecure.”

You freeze. This was not, a conversation you wanted to have. Not now especially.

“Can we not- Can we not do this here, please?”

“No, i thought we didn’t hide stuff from eachother.”

“Atsumu-”

“It’s me right? Because i pretend with them-”

You’re stuttering and stumbling threw your worlds as he continues to speak.”

“Did they say something to you, I swear-”

“I DONT FEEL GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!”

You blurted out, grabbing at fabric of his shirt. “I don’t think i even have…” You’re looking at your feet now. “I know you don’t see the things they say about me for dating you, but it’s mean… I wanna give you so much love but how much sanity will i have left… they pick at me for every little thing i do, wrong or right. I love you ‘Sumu… I really do but I don’t know know how much more i can take.”

He’s the one frozen now.

“You’re not breaking up with me.”

“What-”

“Like hell you’re breaking up with me. Give me 5 minutes… stay here… please.”

He kisses the tip of your nose while squeezing both of you’re shoulders.

You’re standing there confused and sad. Sniffling and cold air brushed your chilled skin. From inside the building you could see through the glass door how he paced back in forth and spoke into the phone. it wasn’t long before he came back out.

Once we was in front of you, he cupped your hands on his. “Do you love me?” He kisses your wrist. You nod, sniffling back a tear. “Good. Do you trust me?” He kisses your other wrist, you nod again- almost choking on your breath. “I called my agent… He’s calling a press meeting for me, and i’m going to state that if any network, any fan girl, any article writes poorly about you- they will be sued by me every single time. We’ve already got a few people in mind, the paper work will go through tomorrow.”

“Sumu… you didn’t have to do any of that.”

“I will rather quit volleyball, then have you break up with me, because of an issue i can fix.” He kisses your cheek softly. “You’re perfect for me, i won’t let other make you think otherwise.”

Osamu Miya

He couldn’t close on time again.

He cursed under his breath, running towards the restaurant that you had originally picked out. He let the hostess know your name but her lips tightened and she shook her head. “You’ve just missed em, drank a glass of [liquor] and then made their way out… Sorry.” Her apology was apathetic.

He walked out the establishment and once he heard the door close behind him, he cursed loudly into the air.

He tried calling your phone but it didn’t even ring. It was off or worse he was blocked. It was late, the trains where no longer running so he walked himself home in his suit. Osamu quickly had put it on, and it was clear that he did because it was wrinkled and his tie was not tied correctly. It took him about an hour to get home. The one you shared.

He had a gut feeling before he opened the door. So he stood there, his hands in his pockets. Your stuff would be picked up and gone. He was with you because he loved that you had such a strong head on your shoulders… you wouldn’t take it any longer. Today, one-hundred percent, was the final straw.

3 year anniversary.

He let his forehead drop to the door, making a light thud. He gripped the little box in his pocket.

The reason he had been working like a dog, day and night.

This stupid little ring.

It was perfect too. He knew exactly what you liked, what you wanted. It was way over over his budget but he’s do anything for you.

“Osamu? Is that you?” Your voice chirped from behind the door. His head shot up and looked ahead. “Y/n?” You unlocked the door, slowly revealing that you had changed into you pjs, eyes swollen from crying. “I waited for you…” You whispered, your voice breaking in the process.

God he hates himself. He hated himself for making you like his. “y/n im so sorry…” he whispered. “please forgive me…” he dropped to his knees, his body lightly brushing yours as he held you. “i shouldn’t have been late, i should have never missed any of our dates… please give me one more chance, please hear me out...”

he backs up and props up a knee, digging into his pocket. there’s a shift in your eyes that he notices, “Don’t freak out, this isn’t me trying to tie you down that way… not necessarily…”

he clears his throat, opening the box that was in his hand, displaying it to you. “there is no one in the world… no one… i would rather be with than you. i can’t see myself with anyone else. i would be the luckiest man in the world if you married me, but this- you can say no to this…”

you’re still frozen, tears falling down your cheeks, sniffling. “I want to earn you… i don’t deserve you right now… i’ve been the worse boyfriend there is… there’s no excuse for it but all those nights i’ve been working late have been for you- and you only… i’m sorry i couldn’t communicate that with you. let me earn you again… let me show you that i am worth being your husband.”

you start nodding slowly, sinking down onto your knees to kiss him. “I’ll promise i’ll be better.” he says in between stolen kisses as he slips the tin onto your finger.

Author Note: My request are open!!! Please do fill free to ask for something.

i did lie

i came back from the dead

i write for haikyuu, jjk, chainsaw man and MHA primarily <3

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aychama · 2 months ago

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I'm sorry if this is too personal but did you had/have any art trauma caused by art teachers in school? And by trauma I mean some aversion to try learning one thing, because art teacher was just a dick. I have something like that with shading and it still holds after 6 years as a adult and I want to break it, but I cannot force myself to try it again and this holds my proggres as a ,,artist" and that's make me smad. I'm sorry once again if this is too personal or too hard to answer

Yup I did! Tho idk if I can call it "trauma" tbh

Oop I kinda went on a rant sorry lol

I studied ceramics in uni but I did have nude art classes and classes that required detailed art projects.

Although most of my uni time was wasted thanks to covid, I did get harrassed by a few of my classmates and my teacher in my last year.

My classmate had said that my art level wasnt good enough to be in this uni and my teacher yelled at me in the middle of class for like a week or two because I refused his ideas for my projects (he had given me the ok on the design before he changed his mind 180 and started pointing and laughing at me with my classmates while i worked on my ceramic project)

I eventually had to give up resisting because I wanted to pass the class and let him do whatever he wanted. (He legit just put clay on top of my design, smoothed it out and that was it in fact here is the design he gave me the ok to, the middle of my project and the way he stopped me)

After this I basicly didnt do anything more for his class, minimum effort. My days in Uni weren't all bad thank god but I was extremely unmotivated.

After I graduated, I didnt really draw or create much until my love for drawing rekindled with Cult of The Lamb! I love this game and Narilamb too much lmao-

But as for something similar to your experience I would say that I used to play the bass and electro guitar in highschool and we had to perform one day which I chickened out from that resulted in the music teacher getting angry at me. I dont play the guitar anymore :/ But my love for music hasnt died and I am using my love for art diffrently!

I would say that even if certain experiences deviates you from some topics, branches of art or people, dont let it kill your whimsy and ideas. You can always try out diffrent things to find something fun like diffrent styles of drawing, shading or no shading, diffrent mediums like digital or traditional, new or old techniques, weird colors or designs. You can always try out whats popular to see if you like it or not as well. You can also consume a lot of art media, educational or entertainment.

There is so many creative things you can try out, you dont have to be stuck on the past and that one shading idea your teacher tried to teach you ır tried to force onto you. I think you can go back to it after trying out many diffrent things to see if it was the technique or the teacher that ruined it for you.

If it was the technique, there are many MANY diffrent ones that you can enjoy!

If it was the teacher, Im not a therapist so idk what would be the right thing to say but healing takes time, sometimes the things people say never leaves you and sometimes you forget it 5 minutes later. You are a person with the ability to change, learn and grow. The only thing that is in your way is your 'will'. If you are willing to change, even if takes a long time, you will change! But if you dont want to, then no one can force you.

Healing and moving on is hard but not impossible. Dont let an asshole teacher get in the way of your growth ❤️

#vent #i think #ask #rant

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kaigoesbrr · 2 months ago

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I love your Fanfict Eclipse So much !! im a big fan!

Im just wondering if there's going to be a new chapter soon?

( Im apologize if im bothering you, i just really like the fanfict )

Akajfksjkajdks love that you love it.

Some of you guys have asked me similar questions, so take this as a bit of an update:

HIATUS IS OVERRRRR!!! :D

So,

I took a break after chapter 12 to go on vacation, and it reached over to September because I had to take some time to get adjusted to my University's ✨ new and exciting ✨ environment (just got in yay!!!).

But last week @enavstars and I finally started planning the next episode! It's enough for now to start writing, too, hihi.

I can't promise you anything about when it will come out, as I am quite busy (I'm studying a Dual Degree 💀), but at least now you know that I'm officially back to writing again!!!!!

Here's a little snippet of the draft for a oneshot I wrote as a warm-up ( @enavstars I blame you for this :)).

-------------------------------

Anyway,

I can't begin to express the gratitude and pride I feel when I read all your comments. I'm so glad this project is reaching so many people who really enjoy it!!

I've read all of the asks I've been sent and I appreciate the concern, but do not worry, we will never abandon this. It's important to us, and we've spent a lot of time and effort to make it happen (it's our baby lmao). So thank you so much for your support!

ALSO ALSO ALSO

We're thinking that we could further explain some details about the fic here on Tumblr; from things like why Kai's mask is a tiger, to why we chose Cole to be the victim of you know what ;).

Would you perhaps be interested to know? 👀

also friendly reminder that @enavstars is also on this project and is in fact the main brain behind it I mean they deserve all the credit I get too tbh <333

#ninjago #eclipseninjago #fanfic #enavstars #ninjago kai #update #update update update #hiatus b gone #thank you alfjlaksjsl

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bingoboingobongo · 2 years ago

Text

cod characters alphabet: equal

Characters: Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, John Price, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra, Valeria Garza

Warnings: allusions to smut

Prompt: Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

A/N: omg kaleidoscope is so good help me it can't be over. also my life is maybe starting to become a bad wattpad fic and idk how to proceed

simon “ghost” riley:

okay so i feel like the kneejerk reaction is to say that ghost’s the dominant one in the relationship (especially in the bedroom) but tbh idk how true that is

i feel like on the outside, he definitely does seem like he’s more dominant just because of his sheer size and demeanor but i think in actuality he’s actually pretty passive

quick offshoot though, i think he is still dominant in the bedroom just because he has a pretty good idea of what he’s doing, and he’s not really comfortable relinquishing any more control than he has to

especially because it’s already a very vulnerable situation

but when you’re not doing that, yeah he’s pretty passive i think

relationships (especially ones that are as important to him as yours is) aren’t exactly his strong suit and so he doesn’t want to come in guns blazing and make a mistake he can’t fix

i know he definitely has a leadership-suited personality, but i think that’s only when he knows what he’s doing

since relationships are new terrain to him, when you’re in the privacy of your own home he’s definitely more inclined to let you take the lead and make decisions

he’s probably also not the greatest at communicating his feelings, and so he’d rather let you take the helm than do something himself and ruin things

that being said, if you’re also pretty passive then he will step up and take a more dominant role if it’s needed

john “soap” mactavish:

hmm so honestly i feel like a relationship with soap would be pretty equal (both in domestic life and in the bedroom)

i mean soap really does see you as an equal and so he just doesn’t feel right putting you down or acting like you’re underneath him

he has a lot of respect for you and so the last thing he wants to do is make you feel like he’s disrespecting you by walking all over you or something like that

that being said, i feel like he’s inclined to take on a more dominant role (whether that’s conscious or unconscious)

i think it really just has to do with the way he was raised and the gender norms he was exposed to as a kid

that being said, he knows that just because he grew up with certain gender expectations, it doesn’t mean they’re right and so he’s making a conscious effort to try and unlearn that kind of thinking

however, if you’re the more passive type than he’s happy to take on that more dominant role

whether it’s by paying for your meals, telling the waiter your food preferences, or picking you up/dropping you off on dates

im sort of realizing that i don’t really understand this prompt but oh well

even if he is taking on a more dominant role though, he still includes you on any important decisions he makes

communication is pretty important to him (even if he’s sometimes not the greatest at it) and so he does his best to make the relationship an equal one through healthy communication

kyle “gaz” garrick:

okay so i feel your relationship with gaz is actually pretty equal, or if anything gaz is the sort of passive one

it’s not so much that he’s like shy or anything like that, but more that he’s content to kick back and relax and let you take the lead

he has a lot of trust in you and so he trusts that you’ll talk to him about anything important, and that you’ll make good decisions

that being said, just because he’s passive doesn’t mean he’s completely uninvolved in the relationship

he’ll always provide input on any decisions you’re making, whether it be for yourself (if you want it of course) or for the two of you

he’s definitely not power hungry or anything and so he really doesn’t have any explicit desire to be the dominant one in the relationship

for example, if you want to be the breadwinner, he’s more than happy to be a male wife; if you want to get down on one knee and propose, he’ll clasp his hands together and accept with tears in his eyes

he is sort of dominant though but he’s dominant in the sense that he has a tendency to motivate and encourage you

although in the end, i feel like he’s more of a follower than a natural born leader

but if you need him to step, then step up he will

john price:

god okay so i feel like price’s natural state is probably a dominant one

you don’t get to be a military captain of one of (if not the) most deadly task forces in the world without some natural born leadership in you

that plus some (probably antiquated) gender role ideas (at least for him) make him a pretty dominant partner

guys i hate to break it to you but price is old and so his views are probably pretty old fashioned

at least in the sense that his kneejerk reaction is that he should be able to provide for his family financially and stuff like that

that being said, just because he’s old fashioned doesn’t mean he’s bigoted

if you wanna work or don’t want kids or literally anything that goes against the gender norms of like the 20th century he’s completely down

he might have a little trouble letting you be the dominant one in the relationship but trust it’s not intentional

it’s just sort of ingrained in him that he should be the dominant one as the “man of the house” but if you wanna take the lead, he’ll let you

it just might take him a little bit of time to get used to

that being said he’d definitely enjoy taking a more passive role and letting you take the lead

mans needs a break what can i say

and he trusts you to make good decisions and communicate with him

alejandro vargas:

hmm so like price i feel like alejandro definitely is the more dominant one in the relationship

again part of it is just how he was raised and another part if because he’s just got a leadership-inclined personality type

unlike price though, i feel like it might be a little harder for him to give up that dominance and let you take the lead

he could probably warm up to a pretty equal relationship relatively quickly, but i think it will take a lot of relearning for him to let you take the lead completely

it’s not that alejandro is like a raging misogynist or anything, but i think he does feel like he needs the control he has when he’s taking on a more dominant position in the relationship

i feel like he probably has trouble trusting people completely (especially after graves) and so besides rudy (who he’s known for ten years) he prefers to take the lead because he knows for a fact he can trust himself

that being said, as you guys know each other for longer and longer and he trusts you more and more, it will become easier for him to let you take the lead

as long as you involve him with any important decisions (and also the seemingly unimportant ones) and communicate with him he feels like he can trust you

i think he just really wants you to stay with him, and so an ironic way in his mind he can do that better by taking the lead, but eventually he needs to learn that the best way to keep you is to let you take the lead too and have your own agency

but in the end, he would prefer being the more dominant one/the provider or at least being equals

rodolfo “rudy” parra:

alright i don’t think this is gonna surprise anyone but rudy is definitely more passive in the relationship

honestly i feel like in rudy’s eyes you can do no wrong and so he trusts you to take the lead and make whatever decisions you need to make

that being said, if you want his input he’ll be happy to give it (anything to make your life easier)

but even though he trusts you completely, he would prefer you to communicate with him before you make any major decisions just because it makes him feel acknowledged

however, rudy is a people pleaser and by people i mean you so he’s kinda a chameleon ngl

if you want him to be dominant, he can do that

it might not be the most natural thing in the world for him, but he’s got his fair share of military training to help him when he needs it

if you want him to be more passive then he’s happy to sit back and admire you while you do your thing

that being said, i think his natural state is being in a pretty equal relationship

he probably does have a little dominant streak in him that compliments yours (or your lack of one) pretty well

valeria garza:

okay so valeria is definitely the more dominant one in the relationship

she has essentially spent her entire life being forced to be submissive or passive because of her gender, and so when she finally has autonomy she’s definitely more dominant

honestly part of it is probably because she feels the need to do so to “prove herself” even though she has nothing to prove

but what can i say, the drug industry as well as the military are both male dominated fields and that sucks when you’re a woman

but just because she’s dominant doesn’t mean she’s controlling or anything

i think her way of “displaying her dominance” in the relationship is through financial means

i mean cartel leader/drug lord pays good money so she definitely has the means to do so

she’ll buy you lots of gifts, clothes, pay for your meals, stuff like that

as well as protect you of course, because you don’t become a cartel leader without making some enemies

i think she is down to being a little more passive in the comfort of your own home though

because she trusts you to not force it onto her or hold it over her head

and it’s nice to relinquish control and let someone else take the lead every once in a while

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gavisuntiedboot · 2 years ago

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Gavi Fluff Alphabet

The long awaited and highly requested. I can't bring myself to write smut rn tbh. Like my head is pounding and I'm about to vom. So sexy. Please keep expectations in the dirt so I can exceed them with my sleepy writing.

~~~

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

I don't think Pablo is the type to show much affection in public

He's still quite young and shy, not eager to be teased in person or online about PDA

I think affection in public would be limited to hand-holding, maybe a side hug

Even the gentlemen stuff would escape him in an effort not to come across too sappy.

Like he'll hold your bags, but you're getting your own doors

In private though? Man is a teddy bear

Attached to you

Always wants to be touching you in some way - sitting too close, laying on your lap, anything

Will actually pout if he's not given kisses and affection hourly

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend?)

Scary dog privileges but as a person

Would always be FaceTiming you just to have your presence there in the background

Sends you at least 20 tiktoks a day because they remind him of you

Always pays when y'all are out

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

Absolutely necessary

Actually so touch starved that he might die without some quality time from you

Started out with you wrapping yourself around his shoulders to get his attention (since he's confirmed always on his phone)

Now you'll be minding your business and feel him wrap his arms around you

Like to be the baby, laying on top of you, getting his hair played with

Prefers when neither of you have a proper shirt on so the two of you can share body heat

Must be a separate activity from sleeping - Gavi get's too hot and restless in his sleep to cuddle

Age regression - literally a little puppy when he’s in your arms, responding in nods and whimpers

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they around the house?)

Pablo cannot imagine settling down right now

He loves his youth and his job and his freedom

But looking at you in his house, laying on his couch or waking up next to him, he thinks he could get used to this

Quite lazy around the house tbh

Regular teenage boy; does the bare minimum to not be living in filth

Very good about one thing: dishes.

Fun fact: gavi seems like the type to be afraid of cockroaches and other critters, so he’s amazing at doing everything to prevent them from entering his house

Baby steps towards domesticity: letting you stay over, then buying you a toothbrush, then a drawer, then a key to the front door

e = ending (if they had to break up with their s/o, how would they do it?)

Pablo is not good at feelings or confrontation

So if he ever needed to break up with a girl, he would do it indirectly

Probably over text or through a phone call, because he doesn’t know how to handle heartbreak

If it was in person, he would do it in public, buying you a meal or coffee before breaking the news

He would always repeat how it’s a problem with him, how he needed to figure himself out, and how there was no blame on you

Getaway car waiting outside

f = fiancé (how would they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

Rather terrifying prospect for pablito

Wants to have his own accomplishments in his career before he looks to lock you down

Type to give you a promise ring on a necklace

“Princesa, im going to be the best someday, and you deserve nothing but the best. So wait for me until I get there?”

Not the type to do long engagements - as long as it takes to plan the wedding and that’s all

Once he proposes, he wants you to be his as soon as possible - Mrs. Gavira can’t come soon enough

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Physically? Not so gentle

Forgets that he’s gone through a bulk period and he now has a lot of muscle

Still play fights like he’s a scrawny 14 year old, occasionally being too harsh

Everything is a little too intense but that’s what makes it Gavi

His hugs are a little tight on your ribs, his grip restricting the blood flow to your hand slightly

But you love it all the same because it’s him

Emotionally tho? My man is a marshmallow over an open flame

Still young and rather volatile - emotions are right on the surface

His happiness is immediate and overflowing, radiating even

But when he’s sad or anxious? His whole being changes

Sad eyes, dropped shoulders, crossed arms - be was a different person

Tries to be as gentle as possible with your feelings because he didn’t want to lose you or compromise what y’all have

Also wants to establish a dynamic where you two are gentle with each other

Because otherwise he’ll break down and close off from you entirely

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

Any Gavi girl knows what I’m about to say

Man loves hugs

Adores them

Occur every time he sees you

What type of hug?? Girl

You know the one

One arm around the waist, securing you to his chest

The other around your head, bringing you in gently to rest beneath his chin

And of course it’s couple with that little smooth on the side of the head

For hello, good bye, good luck, and I L*** Y**, this was his delivery message of choice

Sometimes Pablo will pull you in for long hugs where he can just breathe you in, enjoying the feeling of you in his arms

Always ended with a sweet kiss on the top of your forehead, eyes meeting yours to describe what you should call your situation

i = i love you (how fast do they say the L-word?)

Okay so someone please educate me - is saying I love you like a big moment in other cultures?

Like I’m Arab, and saying بحبك for the first time is not a huge thing

So I think that would influence when he says it out loud

But I think Pablo would take a while to realize that he’s in love

He’s young and doesn’t really understand the feeling of being in love with someone else

I think it would take a good 6-8 months before he would be able to look at you and think “wow. So this is what being in love feels like.”

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they're jealous?)

Controversial opinion: I don’t think Gavi would be the type to get jealous quickly

I know I know but before you get the pitchforks lemme explain

Everyone talks about how Gavi doesn’t get nervous or really doubt himself

He knows he’s hot shit okay?

Both on the field and off, he’s confident in what he brings to the table

So when he gets a girl, he’s gonna be confident in that as well, knowing that he was able to pull her

He gets a kick watching guys flirt with you, because he knows that you’ll never give them the time of day

The only time he might get jealous is when you fawn over another man in front of him

Especially if it’s another footballer

He’s the type to pout and get quiet, scowling at the thought of you all giddy about someone else

Would pull you onto his lap and ask you in a soft voice

“You’re happy with me right?”

Just needs a little bit of reassurance that he’s doing everything in his power to be the best for you

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss their partner? where do they like to be kissed?)

Not to be predictable, but I think he would love kissing you on the neck and the forehead

Like he seems like the type to give you affectionate kisses on the cheek and stuff rather than kissing on the lips all the time

The type to kiss the back of your hand, the top of your head, your bare shoulder

Just a thousand little pecks everywhere

Will grab your face with both hands and give you a fat kiss when he’s feeling excited

otherwise, he’s quite gentle in the way he kisses you

Soft lips moving against yours slowly, takes a while to warm up to intense making out (in the session not overall - hes 18 )

Likes to be kissed on cheek and on the neck

Loves when you sit on his lap and kiss him deeply

l = little ones (how are they around children?)

You’d think he’d not be great with kids because he’s young and kind of aggressive

But you and me both have seen the videos of him in the hospital

So sweet and gentle with the young ones

Loves to pick them up and put them on his shoulders

Very patient with little kid nonsense

Can’t help but think about having his own kids one day

Tells you off handedly that’s he’s excited to be a father one day

“You think our kids will be good at football?”

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

Hectic

Very energetic in the morning on account of having training so early

Always practically jumping out of bed ready to go

Wakes you up by squeezing you tightly and kissing all over your face

Makes sure you eat in the morning no matter how much you object

n = nights (how are nights spent with them?)

On weekdays, Pablo is fucking tired

Comes home ready to pass the fuck out from training

Lots of eating dinner on the couch and lazy nights

Ready to go to bed by like 10pm

Gets very childish and cranky when he’s tired - lots of pouting and whining to go to sleep

On weekends, he’s a little more enthused

Ready to go out to a restaurant or club with you and have fun

Still keeps things within limits - no blacking out or throwing up

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves?)

A while y’all

Pablo is a great listener - loves to hear about you and your interests

But about himself? He’s not a fan

Gets too shy and nervous - thinks he’s boring or bothering you with details about his life

Stuff will slip here and there when he’s stressed, and he starts blushing immediately upon realizing he’s over shared

Starts warming up to you 3-4 months in, just with little tid bits about his family and early life

More likely to speak to you when you were cuddled up, playing with his hair, running your fingers up and down his arm

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

Be for real y’all

My man has little to no patience

Very short fuse

Was a major point of tension early in the relationship

Quick to anger, but also quick to calm down

Doesn’t dwell on things and it’s always ready to move on

Learning to be more calm and patient with you

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about their partner?)

Takes learning about you very seriously

Always super interested when you speak, completely taken by you

Makes notes in his phone about everything: your favorite flowers, dream vacation spots, and more

Interestingly enough, forgets super simple things about you, like your favorite color

r = remember (what is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

There were so many little domestic moments that Gavi loved experiencing with you

But the one moment he treasured the most with you was the first time you went to Sevilla with him

Your laughter, your energy, just lit up his hometown

He loved watching your interactions with his family and friends

You both were laying in bed in his parents’ house, just laying with you and being silly when you talked about how much you missed the beach

“The beach is only like an hour away. We can go tomorrow morning if you want.”

You looked at him with wide eyes, smiling from ear to ear

The following morning, you woke up to Gavi running around

He already had everything packed in the car

His newly licensed ass drove you to the beach, and you just played around like kids

You sat on the sand, laying on Pablo’s shoulder

“Pablo, this is the best day ever.”

He pushed your hair behind your ear and kissed you deeply

His heart physically swelled whenever he thought about that moment

s = security (how protective are they? would they like to be protected?)

Super protective of you when he feels like you could be hurt

Whenever you two were out at somewhere rowdy, he always had a hand on you

Ready to fight anybody that touched you

Honestly felt a little emasculated whenever you tried to protect him

Got irritated whenever you fussed over him and his injuries

Started to warm up to it after he got a cut on his face, liking you babying him and being so close to his face

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Initially, he wasn’t trying very hard

Just being a teenager really - simple dates and texting a lot

“Pablo, when are we going to go on a real date?”

The question threw him off immensely, causing him to consult his teammates about what classifies as a date

He realized he had been severely lacking in the effort department

Started trying harder - restaurants, cute picnics, thoughtful gifts

You had started thinking he had done something wrong and was trying to compensate

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Homie is a S L O B

Like does not pick up after himself at all

Not a problem until you start staying over at his place

He has to remove piles of clothes from the bed just for you two to sleep

He’s also always on his phone

Can’t put it down

Can get really annoying when you’re trying to talk to him and he’s staring at his screen

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

In the face, Gavi is not supper confident in his looks

He’s a little insecure that he still looks so young

Wants to look more mature

His body tho????

Yeah, homie knows he’s fine

FOINE

He’s worked hard on his physique, and so he’s confident in the fruits of his efforts

Loves sitting shirtless around the house

You catch him staring at himself in reflective surfaces

Would never say it out loud, but knows he’s got a body to drool over, and uses it to his advantage

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

I don’t think so

Gavi needs to play football to be complete

That’s the only thing I think he could lose that would make it feel like a piece of his soul was missing

You didn’t complete his world - you were a different world entirely

When you weren’t around, it just felt like he was stuck in a routine

x - xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

Pablo loves seeing you in Barça merch

He just thinks it’s the culmination of all his life coming together when he sees you in the blaugrana

You have a pair of Barça sweats that be especially loves

Literally so careless with all your clothes except your merch

Washes it per label instructions, never rips it off you - the whole nine

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn't like, either in general or in a partner?)

Hates people who are stuck up

Needs a girl to be down to earth - he’s not making that much money

Can’t deal with anyone uptight either - needs someone willing to just go with the flow

z = zzz (what is a sleep habit of theirs?)

As mentioned previously, gets very hot in his sleep

Can’t cuddle or be too close because man will sweat and stay up all night

Has had a habit of kicking the blankets off since he was a kid

Had to adjust when you started staying over because you would be freezing and curled into a ball in the morning

Has the room super cold and sleeps basically naked when you’re there so he doesn’t get the urge to kick the sheets to the floor

Guys I’m so sleeeeeepyyyyyyyyyy so hope your expectations were low. Also just realized that people schedule things to be posted. Like not everyone posts their fics the second they finish at crackhead hours like me. Oh well.

#gavisuntiedboot #pablo gavi #pablo gavi x reader #pablo gavi imagine #gavi #gavi x reader #gavi x you #fc barca #gavi imagine #pablo gavi fanfiction #gavi fluff #pablo gavi fanfic #gavi fic #pablo gavi fluff #alphabet #fluff

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catgirlbussy · 1 year ago

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im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.

#acceptance #love #kindness #affection #expression #long post #tldr #hope #trans #transgender #trans femme #trans girl #transition #hrt #hormones #mtf #pride #self love

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sleepanonymous · 2 months ago

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Im actually so curious now on what you mean by early lore being a mess/the reasons why not being safe to get into. Is there anything you can safely say? Guess im nosy about drama lol go ahead and delete this if you dont feel comfortable answering i totally understand

Sorry it took so long to answer this ask, Anon. So 😅 the thing is I’m always scared I’ll mess up someone’s perception of Sleep Token’s lore when I mention this. I’ve talked about it a couple times, I think? Just not in depth. I’ve personally always been more interested in the irl lore versus the mythological lore behind Sleep Token, but I know it’s a huge factor in a lot of fan’s enjoyment. Keep Reading cut for their mental wellbeing.

The concept of the deity Sleep and the lore surrounding the band was a collaborative effort between Vessel, II, and who I call the band’s old “manager.” Not exactly sure what his official title would have been. He attempted to take full credit for the band’s early lore and their costumes/aesthetic in a Reddit post a while back. I used to think he was actually the one giving the interview in the “All Good In the Hood” article for Sundowning, but the supposed timelines don’t add up anymore, and I believe the band parted with the original manager around 2017 after the Two EP was released and Basick lost the band. That’s another rabbit hole, actually, because I've heard everything from Sleep Token was dropped to Basick went under (which they haven’t? They still have signed artists?).

I’ve always taken what the manager has said with a good helping of salt (I say as I vaguely gesture to the “garden variety, self-important dickhead” insult and him stating Vessel isn’t a real metalhead), but I don’t not believe that he had anything to do with the lore or the band’s formation from 2015-2017, and I also strongly believe the anonymity aspect came from him as well. TBH I’d love to get more facts about the formation of Sleep Token because I have a million questions but I highly doubt any of it will come to light, and even if it does it’ll be long after the band has split up.

Anyways! Back to the Vessel’s name is not technically Vessel part of this post: Vessel is essentially the moniker that fans gave him (or literally Him). It was established that the band members were “vessels” for the deity Sleep, and were numbered one through four via roman numerals. The idea is they have no identities, no personalities, and their only purpose is to serve Sleep (play music). You can see that aspect in older rituals, where III and the original IV would stand still on stage until their cues to play their guitars. Fans began referring to Vessel as such because, I’m assuming, it was too confusing for him not to have a name and to only use the pronoun Him.

#anon asks #sleepanon answers #sleepanon rant #obligitory lore origin post

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lycankeyy · 1 month ago

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Okay here's the whole thing I filled out with boyf in-character enjoy his one total braincell if he's lucky. I'm putting zero effort into formatting this bc tumblr is glitchy on my phone blank template is here

(cw: sexual humor. also a bunch of intentional typos and gratuitous swearing)

1. Okay, first question: what’s your name, age, and gender?

- they call me boyfriend im 19 and i sap the gender out of the music

2. How would you describe yourself, personality-wise?

- fuckkk man idk. im p chill i think ig im pretty cool. pretty swag pretty gamer

3. What’s a typical day like for you?

- welll I wake up at like. 11 usually at earliest and I hang out w one of my partners sometimes I watch movies w em or work on music. not a lot going on usually

4. How do you wind down at the end of the day? Do you even wind down?

- most of the time i literally just wait until i crash out sometimes gf and peeks gotta drag me to bed lol

5. What is your earliest memory?

- UHHHHH oh god uhhh. I think. When I was like five we went to a festival or smth and we went on one of those twirly things and I made my dad spin the thing so hard I threw up LMAO

6. What is/was your relationship with your parents?

- i mean p good i think but we dont rly tlak anymore thats mostly my fault tho

7. What do you do when you’re bored?

- succumb to the madness mostly

8. Do you regret anything you’ve done?

- i mean not like currently

9. Do you dress to be functional or fashionable?

- bro i wear the same exact fucking outfit every day to be honest with you lol. It's not like I'm fuckin going anywhere

10. Who are your best friends? How did you meet them?

- DUUUDE assuming my partners don't count gotta shout out my man darnell we've been workin on a collab ep recently it goes hard as fuckkkkk. we met back in the stupid therapy program back in middle school he introduced me to pico n nene

11. Have any siblings? If so, what is your relationship?

- yea got a big sister and a lil bro. they're both sweet but kinda clueless tbh. technically got other stuff goin on too but im kinda worried that ill get like the government on my ass if i talk abt it

12. What is your job? Is it tiring or difficult?

- closest thinf ive got to a job is music ig and nah. really wouldn't rather be doing anything else even if it payed more tbh. when I get burnt out I wanna die but thafs not a big deal lmao

13. When you’re going through a rough time, do you seek help or consolation from others?

- on a scale of liek paper cut to nearly died how rough are we talking

14. How easy is it for others to gain your trust?

- ive been told im pretty trusting but i feel like any person whos meant to hurt me was pretty upfront abt it so ┐(´∀｀)┌

15. What is your sexuality, if you don’t mind me asking?

- all the time all the time

16. Do you have a significant other? What are they like?

- "a" singular. lol. lmao even. bros asking if I got one singular partner lmao try two bitch and thyere the best most important people in the world

17. Have you ever lost a loved one?

- not like perminently

18. How often do you act on impulse? Does it ever backfire?

- lsiten if i do it all the time then like statisicly it only backfires like 40% of the time okay

19. Do you believe in ghosts?

- I believe in everyone bro

20. How about aliens?

- aliens are hisyorically very mean to me but ig i can just then believe that they can be better people. or aliens

21. What traits do you value the most in others?

- uhhh probably like being just nice ig? idk i think it can take a lot more effort than people think to be considerate and stuff I appreciate when people are nice even if they have a reason not to be

22. Do you dream often? What are your dreams like?

- i used to not to but somethings happened and now I get them all the time. don't really want to talk about it they're mostly just weird

23. Are you a light or heavy sleeper? Do you sleep in?

- my partners say im such a heavy sleeper that one time i slept through gf falling off the bed in the middle of the night but I was asleep so I can't cofnirm

24. Okay, this is a bit personal, but… Have you ever (uh) “done the do”?

- dude like u wouldn't believe

25. Do you have any pets?

- nah but I think it would be cool to have a guinea pig they seem chill and I appreciate their vibes

26. Ever been drunk before? How often do you drink?

- i try not to toooooooo much but i think i have a hard time telling when too much is too much. dont tell my parents

27. Are you respectful to authority figures?

- they only have as much authority as you give them. manipulate a landlord today

28. What kinds of movies do you like you watch?

- https://youtu.be/HgjyQ0_coJo?si=L5Bzhey5cxaoNpWU

29. Do you have any guilty pleasures?

- ██████ █████ █ ███████ ████ ███ ████ ███████ ███ ████ ████████████ ██ ███ ███ ████ ██ one time nene found it in my dresser and I almost DIED wait was this question not about sex stuff

30. What would you say is the happiest memory of your life?

- ohh thats hard uhh. happiest is hard to qualify i think. I think I'm happiest whenever I think abt waking up next to my partners

31. How about your worst memory?

- thats a good question

32. What did you aspire to be when you were young? Did that dream change as you grew up?

- i didn't think I'd be fuckign anythang

33. How far would you be willing to go to get what you want?

- u gotta quantify what I want here tbh. is it like a chocolate bar or one billion dollars. cuz id kill someone for a billion dollars. honestly i might also kill someone for a chocolate bar but like not as badly

34. What is sure to ruin your day?

- idk nearly dying again probably

35. Do you have any nervous habits?

- uhhh sometimes i mess with my hair and when i get rly upset i pull at it til it hurts. i used to scratch my face a lot when i was upset too but it freaks ppl out so i try not to if i can help it

36. Play video games often?

- i tryyyyy but i get distracted so fast i play a game and im like oh shit this reminds me of another thing i was gonna play n then i go play that and then I never FINISH ANYTHIGN

37. What kind of things do you laugh at?

- https://youtu.be/47EOSLWu-EI?si=kuzPv2Vndl91Oj3C

38. Favorite genre of music?

- BROOOO ok gonna be basic as shit and say breakcore. also a huge fan of speedcore and drill & bass but breakcore is my home. i wishhh it wasn't called this but my favorite like subgenre of breakcore is probs lolicore not for any fuckin weird reason but just bc the way the vocals are usually mixed scratches my brain sooooooo fuking good. listen to various types of ads by loli in early 20s and youll get it. i fucking love experimental breakcore my favorite album rossz csillag alatt született mixes breakcore+dr&b w classical and it's sooooo fucking good it's SO good i need to learn more fuckin instrument plug ins so I can make shit like that. in general i just love music that feels like it's fuckin drilling it's way into youre brain and rewiring it i want the music to fuckin labotomize me fr

39. What do you think your spirit animal would be if you had one?

- idk maybe a rat i like rats. dude imagine if i was a rat like ritz we could have cheese together. we can do that anyway but it would be more awesome

40. Have an accent of any kind?

- yea autism

41. Chess or checkers?

- checkers i have no idea how to play chess but it sounds convoluted as fuk

42. Do you feel sentimentality toward a particular object?

- i love my laptop even if I get a new computer and this thing breaks completely im keeping this laptop ily laptop

43. Are you generally pretty secretive, or are you an open book?

- im like accidentally secretive i dont even try like wtf do you mean im supposed to talk about shit

44. What are you most embarrassed about?

- i feel like this was addressed in the nene thing

45. What are your deepest fears?

- have you ever seen that fuckin brony stuff where people get teleported to pony world as horses gf is obsessed with that kinda thing but that's TERRIFYING if i woke up as a horse id fuckin die of a heart attack

46. How desperate would you have to be to lie to, steal from, injure, or murder another person? Do you do any of those things regularly?

- i like the implication that i would admit to murdering ppl on a regular basis

47. Do you have any scars? How did you get them?

- it's so fucked up i got this scar on my face and it's so bad bc I don't even scar that easy like i get into fights my entire life but i only got one scar just bc some weeb tried to kill me. like ok

48. Say someone has mistreated you in some form. Would you immediately lose your temper, hold a grudge, or simply let it go?

- you wouldnt believe my epic power to do all of those simaltaneusly

49. How do you deal with physical and mental pain?

- max volume noise nothing can hurt me if the Loud

50. What is your ideal place to live?

- never thought abt it tbh ig anywhere with my partners

51. What was your childhood like?

- just 18 years of stupid therapy programs and stupid special ed classes and ppl telling me how to think and how to act and like I was 4 years old forever i don't careeee

52. What is your favorite kind of weather?

- i think snow is pretty

53. How important to you is friendship? What about romance?

- i think they're both pretty great but idk i feel like urself should be most important bc idk shit happens and ppl leave so if you dont like yourself youre just gonna be stuck with some miserable loser who doesnt have any friends as ur only company

54. Have any disabilities, weaknesses, or allergies?

- i feel like in a hypothetical situation i would be pretty weak to godzilla

55. What’s your favorite thing to eat?

- SPICY FOOOOOOOD my spice tolerance fucks hard i will drink hot sauce. right now holdbon

56. Do you have kids? If not, do you picture yourself ever having them?

- could you fucking imagine.

57. How well can you sing?

- idk but i like it

58. Are you particularly confident? Does your confidence level change if less people are around?

- if nobody got me i know i got me

59. Do you like shopping?

- delivery apps were invented for a reason

60. How do you interact with strangers?

- tbh i usually just tune out anyone that's not talking to me LMAO

61. Have you ever been betrayed by someone you loved?

- not like perminently

62. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

- don't like this question

63. If you could meet anyone from the past or future, who would it be?

- fuckkkkk my gf isn't home rn can I pick her

64. If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be?

- money bigass house and then I wouldn't use the last one so we could just vibe forver

65. Do you like attention?

- ask pico

66. Are you glad I’ve run out of questions to ask?

- ig bc im puttin off chores ily though

#💛#fc!bf #funkycule au #there is One reference to rgbfverse LMAO #long post

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