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juyeonszn · 2 years ago

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POISON IN MY MIND

PAIRING lee hyunjae x f!reader

WORD COUNT 5.54k

GENRES smut ﹒ some angst (but very little)

WARNINGS 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, mature language, ceo/ceo’s son!hyunjae, assistant!reader, power play tbh, hyunjae is an asshole (for what he thinks is good reason), another jacob bae appearance, juyeon is also mentioned, there’s a rain scene bc i love my rain scenes <3, hyunjae is a stupid idiot, making out (aggressively), nipple play, no foreplay lol, unprotected sex, sex on a desk x2 — but one is missionary & one is doggy? style?, overstimulation, degradation, brat taming?, creampie lol, the aftercare is there i promise

SUMMARY who really cared that you supposedly hated your boss?

MORE HELLAURRRRR FAWNTOBER DAY 4!!! im hoping i have no delays with the rest of the fics but idk bc the burnout is starting to kick in….. someone pls help…. it’s bc my brain is making me write more than i planned 😭 anyways! pls reblog if u enjoyed!

PERM TAGLIST @winterchimez @maessseongs @itsbeeble @zzoguri

“Look at you, rutting against me like a fucking bitch in heat,” Hyunjae growls, lips beside your ear as he pounds into you from behind, your hair wrapped tightly around his fist. “Thought you hated me, sweetheart.”

“I— fuck— I do,” you whine, back arching off of the desk and into his chest. “I hate you s-so goddamn much.”

Okay, let’s rewind for a bit of context.

Truly, you hated Lee Hyunjae. He was such a pretentious prick, always dead set on being right about everything. He couldn’t stand those who he felt were inferior to him, those who he thought were incompetent. If he felt you couldn’t do your job to his standards, he’d fire you on the spot.

Despite not being the CEO of the company himself, he practically carried all of the perks that came with the position. That was only because he was the actual CEO’s son and the future heir to the conglomerate his father owned.

You had the unfortunate pleasure of being his assistant, tied to doing his bidding until your contract with the company timed out. You originally applied for the job for two reasons. The first was due to the fact that you genuinely loved the initial purpose pushed forward by the CEO. He shared a lot of similar ideals with you and had spectacular visions for bettering the business world. The second was because at the time of your application, you wanted to be the CEO’s assistant. And that was what you’d gotten hired for.

It paid more than well enough and it was your dream job. You loved what you did for at least the first year and a half. Until he announced that he’d be retiring within the next couple years and his son would be taking over as a form of practice for being in charge when he inherited the entire conglomerate.

You’d never met him in person before, only hearing the high praises Mr. Lee had for his precious son. So on his first day, you had extremely raised expectations for the male. You dressed your best (not that you didn’t put effort in before) and put on your sweetest personality, wanting to make a good impression on your new boss.

Imagine the disappointment you felt when you realized he was nothing but an entitled asshole.

He made you feel stupid, as if you didn’t know how to do your own job. What started as sitting in on important meetings and going over different documents with Mr. Lee, turned into running errands for Hyunjae and cleaning up his messes. If you weren’t out buying his coffee or grabbing his dry cleaning, you were sorting his paperwork for him and making sure he was prepared for his upcoming conferences, as if he wasn’t capable of doing so himself. You felt like a fucking babysitter rather than an assistant; like an errand boy rather than an employee.

You were so incredibly tired and it had only been four months. A few, tortuous months of you being treated like you hadn’t already given an arm and a leg for this company. Half of you wanted to just throw in the towel, rip up the damn contract right in front of the fucker and walk out of those gold plated double doors for good.

“Just push through, Y/N,” Jacob sighs over the video call. “Your contract ends at the end of the year, and if you still feel like quitting, then that’s that. You don’t have to worry about renewing or trying to reinstate your job.”

You were on your lunch break, holed away in one of the many unused conference rooms on the top floor. Hyunjae was being extra irritating today and if you didn’t speak with a voice of reason, you thought you’d make a drastic decision that would alter the course of your life forever. Whether that was tossing your employee contract in the shredder, or committing premeditated murder, the world may never know. Shout out to Jacob Bae.

“What if I push him out of the floor-to-ceiling window in his office? I could make it look like an accident. Everyone would probably rejoice instead of mourning him, because we would all be so much happier.” You throw the back of your hand over your forehead. Well, that answers that.

“You’re not killing anyone. If you got caught, you wouldn’t look good in a prison jumpsuit. Orange isn’t your color.” Jacob shakes his head, rolling his eyes playfully.

You gasp scandalously, sitting upright to gape at him. “What the hell? Yes, I so would! I would make that prison jumpsuit my bitch—“

Someone clears their throat behind you, causing you to flinch, whipping around in your swivel chair to find the culprit. When it’s none other than Lee Hyunjae staring back at you, you feel like your life has just flashed before your eyes. You wonder just how much of that conversation he heard before making his presence known.

“Um, Cobie, I’m gonna have to call you back…” You don’t allow your friend time to respond, ending the call before he can incriminate you more than you already have.

Hyunjae leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his absurdly broad chest. Did this guy have to wear the tightest dress shirts possible? Maybe it was time for him to update his wardrobe. You tuck your hair behind your ear, slowly standing up from the chair. His expression is unreadable, not that you ever had it easy when it came to understanding the many faces of Lee Hyunjae.

“Mr. Lee, what— uh— what can I do for you?” You ask with a slight waver in your tone. So much for not incriminating yourself. He purses his lips, taking a step closer to you.

“Juyeon can no longer accompany me on the trip to Tokyo next week. Which means you’re second on the totem pole,” he says simply, loosening his tie. “Better pack your bags, ‘cause I’m not taking no for an answer.”

This was horrible.

You were mentally cursing Lee Juyeon over and over. Why did he have to back out at the last minute? This was the one part of the job that you couldn’t allow yourself to do. You’d much rather drive in circles around Seoul and grab iced Americanos than be in a completely different country, with no other company aside from Lee Hyunjae himself.

When he gave you your demise, you immediately tried to get out of it. Your excuse was valid; you didn’t have a passport and that’s kind of essential when traveling to another country. But even then, it wasn’t enough to get you out of this predicament. Being the rich, influential man he was, Hyunjae had your passport expedited and sent to your mailbox within a couple days. You gave up after that.

There was nothing he couldn’t do.

Except maybe being tolerable. You think that was most likely his only fault. He could’ve been the complete package had he mastered the art of bedside manner. His father was one of the kindest, selfless men you’d ever met. You were often curious why those same traits didn’t translate to his son. Then again, he had probably been raised as a spoiled brat who got everything his heart desired.

To make matters worse, you had one of those suites with a Jack and Jill bathroom, meaning he could enter yours without difficulty if he wanted. You supposed that was because the rooms were reserved with him and Juyeon in mind. Perhaps the case would be different if you were the first pick for this trip.

You let out a deep exhale, waiting outside of the conference room that Hyunjae was currently in. This was meeting number seven, and the last of the day before you could finally go back to the hotel and relax. You’d be flying back to South Korea the following day on the Lees’ private jet. All of your time in Japan had been spent both sitting in and sitting out of board meetings, so much talk about business plans that you felt dizzy.

All you yearned for was a nice warm bath and some room service, wanting to call it an early night because of your flight in the morning. You were exhausted, eyes growing heavier and heavier the longer Hyunjae sat in that room full of old men that came from bloodlines of money. Even though it was your job to be here, you felt so out of place. There were moments you found yourself contemplating your career path. You were surrounded by people who could just sign a check to get rid of their life problems. That wasn’t you.

Before you can fall down a rabbit hole, the door to the conference room is swinging open and Hyunjae is storming out, some of the other board members calling after him. Your eyes widen and your eyebrows furrow, your body springing up to follow after him. Wearing some flats instead of heels was probably the smartest choice you’d made today, making it less of a struggle to chase after your boss.

“Mr. Lee!” You cup a hand around your mouth, trailing him like a lost puppy to the elevator. It closes before you can get on and you groan, running a hand through your hair frustratedly. As you wait for the next one down, you call the driver so the car is waiting out front. According to the recent weather notification on your phone, it was pouring outside.

The elevator dings when it arrives back at the floor you were on and you hurry to get on, pressing the lobby level aggressively in hopes it would move faster. Even the soothing music playing over the speakers isn’t enough to calm your nerves, picking at your nails as the numbers transition to the corresponding floors you pass. This was one of the numerous occasions you wished your boss wasn’t so impulsive. What did they even say to him in that meeting to cause such a reaction?

The doors open and you’re rushing out, frantically searching for Hyunjae in the lobby. You spot the driver parked under the carport, waiting. Your feet carry you to the car, knocking on the window to get his attention. He rolls it down with a confused look.

“Have you seen Mr. Lee?” You ask, a bit winded by all of the running you’d been doing.

“I thought I saw him walk that way,” he points ahead, though it hardly answers your question. “I didn’t realize you weren’t with him.”

Just fucking peachy. He was making you chase him into the rain now? You needed a pay raise.

Thankfully, it’s a breeze to spot him, since he’s the only person in the crowd without an umbrella. You pinch the bridge of your nose, forcing yourself to walk out into the cold rain, weaving through pedestrians to get to him faster. He’s not much further from you, but you’d rather drag his ass back to the car sooner rather than later, the precipitation seeping through your dress shirt and pants, chilling you to the bone.

“Mr. Lee!”

You reach for his wrist and wrap your fingers around it, yanking slightly to yield his focus. He turns around with hardened features, but they soften just enough for you to notice when he realizes that it’s you. Your lips form a flat line, eyelashes coated with a mixture of mascara and rain water, obscuring your vision.

“I don’t know what happened in there, but I don’t have it in me to ask. Please, can we just go back to the hotel?” You ask almost desperately, teeth beginning to chatter. He frowns, but nods nonetheless, letting you pull him to the safety of the carport— where you’re free from the unrelenting pelts against your body— and into the car.

You don’t say anything the whole drive to the hotel you’re staying at, biting your tongue because you were afraid you might blow up on him over his stupidity and get yourself fired. Your bottom lip quivers and you hug yourself for warmth, the car’s heater failing to bring back the color in your cheeks. In spite of hating nearly everything about him, you thought the one good thing Hyunjae had going for him was his wits. He might’ve been stuck up, but he was smart as hell. Except right now. In your books, he was the biggest idiot in the history of idiots.

The silence continues even after you’ve arrived at your hotel, shadowing you into the elevator and to your respective rooms. You don’t acknowledge him, unlocking your suite and entering to avoid any conversation. The remainder of your energy for the day was used when you were attempting to save him from getting fucking hypothermia.

You stand in the shower until your fingers have pruned, resting your forehead against the frosted glass as the scorching water battered your back, easing the tension in your muscles. While changing into your pajamas, your phone buzzes with a text message.

[9:23pm] mr. lee (DNI): i don’t know if u’ve eaten already, but i ordered a lot of food if u’d like to have some of it.

[9:24pm] mr. lee (DNI): left my bathroom door unlocked so u can just let urself in

Your lips purse as you mull over his offer. It wasn’t exactly an olive branch, but even if it was, you wouldn’t take it as such. You had too much pride for that. Instead you viewed this as him just feeling guilty for having you pursue him in the rain. That was definitely not in your job description. Perhaps he wasn’t as heartless as he made himself out to be, and he just didn’t know how to extend an apology without being awkward about it.

Reluctantly, you give in.

[9:27pm] you: sure. be right there

You slide your feet into your slippers and shuffle through the four doors between the two of you that lead to his suite. It takes everything in you to not visibly react to the difference between your rooms. His is so much more spacious, with enough room for a table and couches, aside from the usual desk. Even he looks expensive, a silk pajama set adorning his body— the first few buttons undone to give you a glimpse of his chest, though it hardly leaves room for the imagination.

Hyunjae sits at the table, various sushi roll platters in front of him. He holds up his chopsticks as he scrolls through his phone mindlessly, glancing up when your slippers shuffle against the floor. He takes in your appearance as quickly as he can without making it obvious, the corner of his lips curling up when he sees the teddy bears on your feet.

“You know, I didn’t think you’d come,” he starts after a few minutes of eating in an awkward quietness. “Not just here, to my room, but on the trip in general. I thought you’d put up a bigger fight to get out of it.”

“It’s part of my job, Mr. Lee.” You say flatly, taking away as much emotion from the statement as you could to avoid getting in an unnecessary argument.

“We’re not at work and it’s outside of working hours, Y/N. You can call me Hyunjae.” He tries to meet your eyes but they’re focused on picking at the skin around your nails, legs criss-crossed on your seat.

“Why do you go by Hyunjae?” You decide to ask, glancing up at him finally. “Your dad said your birth name was Jaehyun.”

“I don’t remember when exactly it was, but when I was in grade school, a classmate called me Hyunjae by accident and it just stuck. I’ve never really liked the name Jaehyun, if I’m being honest. It was a common name, and well, you of all people should know that I’m all about my individuality.” He leans back in his chair a bit, folding his arms over his chest. You ignore how it makes his pectorals squish together. God, you were no better than man…

“Is that why you’re nothing like your father?” You don’t mean to say that out loud. The thought popped into your head, as it always does, and for some reason this time it just shimmies its way through your mouth. You press your lips together, shifting uncomfortably at the sudden tension that arises in the room.

“I’m well aware of what you think of me, Y/N,” he chides, tapping his fingers against his biceps. “You may think you’re good at hiding it, but I’m very perceptive. And I also overheard that conversation with your friend— the one where you were plotting my assassination and whatnot.”

“Are you open to rebuttal?” Perhaps you should just stop talking, maybe pause the hole you were digging yourself into. Did you want to keep your job? Sure this was all off the record, but be fucking for real, it was Hyunjae you were speaking with.

He shrugs. “Shoot. Let’s hear it.”

“You’re kind of a narcissist,” you kick off strong, hitting him right where you think it may hurt. “You don’t take in the consideration of others, and you always have to be correct. If someone even slightly disagrees with you, you lose your shit. You’re condescending, you’re a perfectionist, you’re hot headed, and after the stunt you pulled today, you’ve exhibited that you’re also really fucking irrational. I’ve done so much in the time I’ve been with the company prior to you, I’ve given so much of myself for the improvement that your father was aiming for and you took all that hard work and crushed it between your fingers, just to have me running around like I’m your maid.”

Hyunjae wears an amused smirk on his lips, like he couldn’t be bothered with your grievances. Your eye practically twitches, irritation boiling up like water ready for a pasta dinner. You stab your chopsticks into a piece of sushi with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re cute when you get worked up,” he hums, carding a hand through his hair. “I almost want to keep my thoughts to myself.”

You choke on your saliva, smacking yourself on the chest to regain control of your breathing. Whatever you were expecting him to say wasn’t that. Should he even be calling you that? He was your boss. Not just that, but you sort of hated everything there was to hate about him. The tiny compliment shouldn’t make both of your heartbeats quicken.

“W-What are you talking about?”

Hyunjae stands from his chair, walking around the table to sit on the edge of the desk in the room, not much further away but enough distance to keep you calm. He rolls his neck, scratching at the nape to relieve some of the awkwardness seeping into the suite. “My father has done nothing but sing your praises since he hired you. I know how capable you are of this job, Y/N. I know that you’ve accomplished more than individuals who have been with the company even longer than you. Trust me, I know.”

“Then why do you discard me the way you do? Why do you treat me like I don’t know what I’m doing?” This time you don’t stop the emotions from creeping beneath your words, your voice cracking just slightly. If Hyunjae heard, he makes no effort to show it.

“Because, I had to keep myself as far from you as possible,” he admits, finally making eye contact. “From the moment I laid eyes on you, I was fucked. I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself around you and as your boss, I couldn’t do that. As my father’s son, I couldn’t do that. So I resorted to the next best thing, making you hate me and having you do shitty side tasks to separate myself from you. I thought, ‘If she thinks I’m the worst boss ever, she’ll want nothing to do with me’. And that’s exactly what my goal was. But now you’re here in Tokyo, alone with me in my hotel room and I’m starting to rethink that decision.”

You stare at him— mouth agape, heart in your throat. Once upon a time, you believed Lee Hyunjae was one of the brightest, smartest businessmen of your generation. It seemed that he just wanted to go and prove you wrong on that today, in multiple instances. How could someone be so fucking stupid? You were genuinely curious what went through his head.

“You’re unbelievable,” you scoff, a laugh devoid of humor sneaking in along with it as you stand from your own chair. “Actually unbelievable. What made you think that was a good idea? You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be in this position because you didn’t think you could keep it in your pants around me?”

And just as you’re about to leave, he wraps his fingers around your wrist to stop you. You were getting a weird sense of déjà vu. He pulls you into his chest, your body sandwiched between his legs as he holds you close to him. Your eyes are wide and your lips are parted. (Though you don’t know if it’s out of shock, sudden arousal, or both.)

In this proximity, you can see every small detail of his face. From the freckle on the bridge of his nose to the thick eyelashes framing dark eyes to the softness of his lips. You’ve never had the opportunity to properly look at Hyunjae, always too pissed off to even be within ten feet of him. But standing here— face-to-face, eye-to-eye— you’re starting to wish the object of your hatred and many complaints wasn't so handsome.

“If you push me away now, I’ll leave you alone forever,” he breathes, hands fisting the material of your pajama top, as if that would ground him. “If you tell me there’s absolutely no possibility of you wanting me back, I’ll let you go back to your room like none of this happened.”

You don’t respond. The words are right there. They’re perched on the tip of your tongue, just anticipating to climb out of your mouth and put him in his place. It’s been months of constantly feeling like you were meaningless to the company you’ve given so many sleepless nights to— months of second guessing just how much you’ve actually contributed. But with one glance down to your lips with eyes resembling the night sky, Hyunjae has managed to wipe all of that from your memory.

So instead of turning around— instead of walking through the four doors that divide your hotel rooms— you stay planted between his thighs, grabbing the sides of his face and pulling his lips onto your own.

He groans into the kiss, tightening his grip on your shirt and bringing you closer to him. You feel him against your stomach, hard and ready for you, ready for any contact you’re willing to give him. It’s so much and too little at the same time, fingers slipping beneath your top and searing your skin.

He nips at your bottom lip, as if asking for permission to permeate your mouth with his tongue. You welcome the wet muscle with gratitude, moaning when it tangles with yours. The blunt edges of his nails dig into your lower back when the sound hits his ears. You tug at the hairs on the base of his neck, one hand sliding down the front of his body to feel him up.

Through the thin silk of his pajamas you can make out the outline of his sculpted torso. If Hyunjae was more coherent and less intoxicated by your lips on his, he’d tease you for your desperation. But because he's neither of those, he, too, finds himself clawing at every bit of fabric of your clothing he can, longing to touch anything he can get his hands on. You feel drunk, and you wonder if he makes you feel like this with his lips alone, what else can he do?

The straps of your top fall off your shoulders the longer you stand there, making out like it was second nature to both of you. When you take a step back to catch your breath, lips swollen and glistening with a mixture of both yours and his saliva. Your chests are heaving up and down, foreheads resting on the other’s.

“Can I take that as a yes?” Hyunjae rasps, pushing your straps further down your arms. You whine, connecting your mouths again. This was embarrassing enough, you didn’t want to have to say the words out loud. Saying it out loud made this real, and you didn’t want to accept the fact that you were about to fuck your boss.

He chuckles against your lips, undoing the buttons of his shirt without parting from your kiss. You help him toss it somewhere in the room, your hands groping his arms and squeezing his biceps. He spins the two of you around so you’re the one with the edge of the desk on your back. His arms hook under your thighs, placing you on the surface so it’s less strain on his neck as he leans down.

You instinctively spread your legs to make room for him, throwing your head back with a drawn out sigh when he presses two fingers to your core. Even with your panties and your flimsy pajama shorts in the way, the pressure relieves some of the ache you feel in your gut. Your top slips off enough that your bare breasts are now on full display for Hyunjae. He keeps circling your clit through your clothes, mouth enveloping one of your peaked nipples and tongue swirling around the sensitive bud.

“C-Can’t hold on anymore,” you whimper. “Need to cum on your cock.”

Something shifts in Hyunjae when he hears you beg. You’d always been so set in stone when it came to standing your ground, so for you to surrender yourself to him, in spite of reiterating how much you despise him, it did a number on his sanity. You have no idea what you’ve just done to him.

“No foreplay? Think you can handle it, sweetheart?” He goads, but his fingers dip into the waistband of both your underwear and your shorts to pull them down your legs anyway.

“You’re talking a whole lot for someone who’s still wearing their pants.” You bite back, but almost immediately retract your words when he rids them, revealing that he wasn’t wearing anything underneath them. No fucking wonder you could feel him so much.

He’s huge, like so huge you kind of regret skipping the foreplay. But it was too late to go back now, your pride as big as his dick. One of your hands reaches to wrap around his length, your teeth finding purchase on your lip as you stroke him gently. Every pulse and every vein beneath your touch has you curling your toes in excitement. He hisses when your thumb swipes over his tip, collecting the precum that’s formed there.

Hyunjae drags you closer to the edge, prying your legs wider so he fits perfectly between them. You guide him to your entrance, a moan ripping from your throat when he presses into you. He’s not even fully sheathed inside of you, but the stretch is so fucking delicious, stinging just enough that it provides pleasure rather than pain. He pulls out to drive back in and repeats, a little deeper each time he does.

When he bottoms out, his hips snap into yours, large hands keeping your thighs apart as he begins to thrust into you. His cock is snug within your warm walls, kissing so deep inside that you start to see stars well before the coil in your abdomen has begun to wind up. The noises leaving your mouth are insane, loud and echoing throughout the hotel room. It made shame bubble up in your chest, because why couldn’t your detestation overpower the urge to crumble at his fingertips?

“Fuck you’re so tight,” Hyunjae groans, eyes concentrated on where his cock slips in and out of you. “You needed this, huh? Needed me to fuck you real good? Like a filthy slut?”

You’ve never thought you’d be into degradation. In fact, a man calling you demeaning names actually pissed you off. So you felt like you’d end up picking a fight if ever in the situation where someone tried to degrade you. However, the words falling from Hyunjae’s lips have the opposite effect on you. They have you clenching around him and mewling like a goddamn pornstar.

His pace is relentless, inching you closer and closer to your breaking point. He lays you flat on the desk, one hand gripping your hip and the other sneaking to your clit. His thumb rubs ovular motions into the engorged skin, his body folding over yours to capture your lips with his. He swallows your cries when your climax washes over you suddenly, your walls fluttering around his cock.

Hyunjae pulls out before he can follow suit, flipping you onto your stomach like you were a fucking pancake. He bends you over the edge of the desk as his thumb continues to circle your clit slowly, languidly just to ride out your high. He propels forward, his dick still so hard as it breaches your hole once again. He curses, extra sensitive after depriving himself of his own orgasm.

You push back on him, wanting to feel him even deeper. Your whole body burns beneath him, his chest slick with sweat as it presses you flat to the desk. You need him everywhere, God you want him everywhere. It’s not enough to have him buried inside of you. You need to be one with him; one body, one mind, one soul. You need him filling your senses— blinding your sight, obstructing your scent, stealing your touch, invading your taste, muting your hearing.

Okay, now let’s resume.

“I— fuck— I do,” you whine, back arching off of the desk and into his chest. “I hate you s-so goddamn much.”

“Yeah? I’m sure you do. You hate me so much, yet you want me to fuck you full of my cum, don’t you? Gonna let me finish inside you?” His voice is exerted, and you can tell he’s close. But you are too, so you’re not above pleading for your sweet release. Not when it rewards you so well.

“Mhm,” you whimper, cheek smushed to the surface under you. “Please, Jae… Need it so— oh my god— need it s-o bad.”

Hyunjae hikes one of your knees onto the desk, allowing him to plunge extensively. Your clit bumps the edge, that coil in your stomach fracturing little by little until it’s busted completely and you’re a babbling, incomprehensible mess. The sight of you fucked absolutely stupid tips Hyunjae into his own spiral, painting your velvety walls with thick ropes of his cum. He lets his forehead fall on your shoulder, rocking into you with delayed groans as he spills all he has to offer you. It’s so much that even his cock plugging you up isn’t sufficient to keep it from dribbling along your thighs.

You’re both too winded to move, much less fathom what just happened. You feel him panting on your back, eyes shut as you also attempt to regain your bearings. Where the hell do you go from here?

“H-Hyunjae…” You wince when he stirs inside of you. “Can— uh— can you pull out?”

He grunts as he carefully does what you’ve asked, running a hand down his face when more of his release trickles out of you. He knew you couldn’t afford another round. Just by looking at you he can see how spent you are. What you needed was another bath and some good rest. Without skipping a beat, he reaches out to tuck some strands of your hair that were stuck to your face behind your ear, wiping away the sweat that glued itself there.

“We have a lot to talk about,” he says, grasping your hands and caressing the backs with his thumbs. “But that can wait until tomorrow. For now, just let me take care of you, okay?”

“Okay.” You agree, tone no more voluminous than a whisper.

You did have a lot to discuss pertaining to tonight, but that wasn’t a priority at the moment. Who really cared that you supposedly hated your boss? All you could focus on was how gentle his fingers were as he washed your body for you, massaging your muscles so delicately you might as well have melted in the palms of his hands. And all you could pay attention to was the hushed sound of his voice as he kissed your temple and lulled you to sleep, within the comfort of his arms.

Yeah. You could revisit the whole Lee Hyunjae hatred train another day.

#the boyz #the boyz x reader #the boyz smut #tbz #tbz x reader #tbz smut #the boyz hyunjae #tbz hyunjae #lee hyunjae x reader #lee hyunjae smut #hyunjae x reader #hyunjae smut #juyeonszn #fawntober.2023🎃

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kcrossvine-art · 1 year ago

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hi birds of paradise and of prey! I sincerely hope your 2024 has been kind to you so far, and if it hasn't, I hope it starts being fucking nicer soon. We got eyes on it and are ready to take it out should it fail.

I'm coming to the end of my list here soon, so if anyone has ideas on what they'd like to see next, please do hit me up! Even if its just a piece of media with interesting food in it and not a specific dish you wanna see. My roommate got me a recipe book from that TikTok fantasy tavern guy, "recipes from the lucky gryphon"? So we could also take a shot at a few of those, although im not really familiar with his work. Regardless-

We will be making Stuffed Cabbage from Lord of the Rings Online today!

(As always you can find the cooking instructions and full ingredient list under the break-)

MY NAMES CROSS NOW LETS COOK LIKE ANIMALS

SO, “what goes in to this Stuffed Cabbage?” YOU MIGHT ASKYou cant kinda put whatever you want for seasonings and even the meat filling. I used ground beef but pork and lamb are also stellar candidates.

Yellow onion

Garlic

2 eggs

Ground beef

Rice

A head of cabbage

Oregano

Thyme

Red pepper flakes

Cumin

Crushed tomato

Tomato sauce

AND, “what does this Stuffed Cabbage taste like?” YOU MIGHT ASKBa bawsa

Very, very filling wow

2 rolls filled me up for a meal and i made about 20-ish from one head of cabage

A bit plain tbh, the texture is great but I'd really double up on the seasonings

A blank canvas for you to impart your spice preferences onto

Reheating makes it taste almost identical to fresh

Would pair well with a hot sauce dip

could also go well with an artichoke dip

If you run out of room and need to layer the rolls, I'd try experimenting with pouring some of the crushed tomato and sauce inbetween the stacked rolls. Otherwise the ones at the bottom lack a lot of the tomato flavor. However it might make the bottoms on the rolls laying ontop soggy?

. Where rice called for, used long grain white rice

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I've never blanched anything before. Theres not much western food that calls for it, meanwhile whenever my friend from malaysia shows a dish they ate, 9 times out of 10 the vegetables are blanched. Much easier process than the fancy name might suggest- boil water and dunk the thing in until its done. Whatever 'done' may be for the thing you are cooking.

Also for the ground beef (or whichever meat you use) you don't have to cook it beforehand, but in doing two tries at making these cabbage rolls i would recommend you at least season your meat before mixing it with everything else. The meat will cook to a safe temperature inside the cabbage rolls, i just prefer the taste and texture of it when cooked twice.

I give this recipe a meandering 7/10 (with 1 being food that makes one physically sick and 10 being food that gives one a lust for life again.) I want to review more horrible recipes, truly i do, so that the rating scale isnt always a 6 and above, but whenever i try something horrible its like "why the fuck would i put all the effort into making and sharing a review of this thing i Do Not Want others to eat????" yknow?? Would people be interested in roasting horrible recipes?

🐁 ORIGINAL RESIPPY TEXT BELOW 🐁

Ingredients:

1 yellow onion

6 cloves of garlic

2 eggs

2 lbs ground beef

1 1/2 cup cooked rice

1 large head of cabbage

28oz crushed tomato

14oz tomato sauce

Oregano

Thyme

Red pepper flakes

Cumin

Salt/pepper

Method:

Saute garlic and onion in butter over medium heat until onions are caramelized. When done, remove from heat and let cool.

Season the beef to your liking with cumin, red pepper, and salt. Very, very lightly cook the beef in the same pan used for the garlic and onions. Cook until it starts to brown, but dont let it darken.

Beat eggs thoroughly with oregano, thyme, salt, and pepper.

Add all of the above ingredients together in a bowl with (cooked!) rice. Mix thoroughly then cover and let rest in the fridge.

Core and blanche your cabbage in boiling water, peeling them off as they become limp.

Once you've separated all the leaves, cut off any thick stems that would prevent the leaf from folding.

Put roughly 2 tablespoons of meat filling into each leaf. Fold the sides of the leaf inwards and roll it up. Place each cabbage roll seam-down into a casserole dish.

If they don't all fit in one layer, its more than okay to stack. Try not to stack more than 2 layers though.

Once you've used all the cabbage, take your can of tomatos and pour them over the rolls. Mix some oregano into the tomato sauce and pour that over the rolls as well.

Bake uncovered in the oven at 350 for about 2 hours. Dont worry if a bit of tomato on top looks burnt.

IF REHEATING LEFTOVERS: Bake 10 cabbage rolls in the oven at 320 for about 40 minutes. Reduce time for less rolls.

#cross cooks lotr #food recipes #cabbage rolls #digital art

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lostinlovingrevery · 1 month ago

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What do you think about Wolverine variants and headcanons where he's more animalistic? I'm talking anything from a/b/o to him having a tail, long canines, pointy ears, scent marking behaviours etc etc etc 🐾

OOOOH This is interesting thank you!!!!

This not super long but it's a lil long, there's also some nsfw so im putting it under the cut!!! (take this as your warning my loves)

Animal features? So I'll start with what I'm not SUPER into, personally the tail. I could do without it. Just doesn't do it for me! Cute for like, a fun lil art thing yknow?

Sharp canines??? YES??? PLEASE?? I'd like him to chew and nibble on me. whenever and where ever he wants. I'd imagine he naturally has those, any variant, just bc the terms of his mutation. (Hank has em!)

Pointed ears? Hm, I dont think i necessarily have an opinion. Don't hate it, don't love it. Kinda of a neat detail yknow?

I think he'd have sharp nails too!!! but uh...Totally not...attractive.

Moving into more animalistic behaviors,

Scent marking- I feel like yeah....Yeah not bad. I mean, i've written that I think smells are very intense for him (technically its canon that he uses his sense of smell a lot!). I'd think he like you to smell like him,

like. a lot.

whether its using his soap, wearing his clothes, or he physically rubs himself all over you. You WILL smell like him. Remember the post I made about him getting pissy if you smell like someone else? Yeah, that applies here lol. Hes cute.

Nesting, I think in the right environment that would kick off. Say we're talking about our regular Logan variants that are just a mix of his usual self, nesting is probably just a more casual thing- like most of us. He likes a clean place, likes a safe place. Wants home to feel like home yknow?

If you look into his more animalistic variants, Weapon X, X-24, etc. Its less about being comfy and more of being safe. Theyre' extremely smart, calculating and always on survival mode. tbh I don't think they would nest, not even in areas where they sleep- unless theyre uh...well. yknow...wanting to participate in the act of procreation with you ;) ;) even a wild man knows the art of seduction requires effort and a warm soft place to live

A/B/O

I actually don't know too much about this stuff. I read a few fics based around it and kinda dug it??

Mainly the knotting thing....

ANYHOO

I don't know exactly how the A/B/O thing works, but I could see it applying to logans more animal-like variants. Its fun!!!

Honestly i think logan is in general a more dominant presence taking out the animal mutant part of him?? he'll start fights with men that look at him (or you!) the wrong way- depending on the variant and age.

A/B/O or not, I also think he tends to carry that protector/provider way of thinking too!!! Which is...SO attractive....

:):):)

:):):):):):):):):):):)

Here's my general thoughts on logan just being...animal like

PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!1 LET HIM BE WHO HE IS!!!! I WANT HIM SNORTING AND GROWLING AND DROOLING ALL OVER MY PUSSY!!!!!! FUCK !!!!!

#van rambles #logan howlett #wolverine #thanks for asking!!!!#id like to delve better into this later but my brain is FRIED

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little-miss-dilf-lover · 1 year ago

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I saw your requests were open and I came RUNNING! I’m the one who always requests dad!tan but I have a different one this time (barely) cause I’m thinking of like dad!pietro. Would love some HCs or a short fic, whatever you want honey. Love you and your writing!!

hii!! omg it’s you!! ofc angel, love you and hope you’re well💌

DAD PIETRO HCS.

— I feel like he's a boy dad (but maybe has 3 kids? twins - boy and girl age 5 or 6?? (can't help myself) and another little boy, like 2???? idk, not completely sure?? or just one kid?? no idea where I stand on the amount tbh lol)

— (might be stereotypical dad stuff but bc it's pietro it works) loves being able to do sporty things with the oldest boy. throwing balls in the garden, taking him to sports events, watching him at school games, taking him to practice - all that kind of stuff. he might be slightly disappointed if his son isn't into sports stuff, but he won't push it or make him feel bad about it

— the twins love to hold onto him as he speeds around

— he's a fun dad but he's not careless

— he wishes he had more time with his parents and often wishes they were around so they could meet his family. big, large families are a part of his culture (I think??? like an eastern european thing??) so he often feels like he's missing out and not able to continue traditions

— (im letting wanda have her boys and vision bc im not cruel) and bc pietro and wanda are orphans, they make conscious efforts to spend lots of time together - family is very important to them both. so they like to have game nights, sunday dinners, sleepovers for the kids, days out with both their families. they want their kids to be close cousins and do tonnes of fun stuff together

— the kids love his breakfasts bc he always does so much and makes it playful

— getting the kids ready for school is fun bc he's so fast and makes games out of it

— the kids love inviting their friends over so they can show off pietro. he secretly loves how cool they think he is. "your dad is so cool. wish mine was like that" he just loves it (even if it is the thought of a 5yr old with no real ability to think for themselves)

— very good at being a dad. it's like a natural instinct to him. he's like a fun uncle but with the responsibilities of a dad

— very active with the kids. always doing something sporty/ doing something outside

— love the idea of him in pjs in the morning and one kid is just hanging off him while he’s telling another what to do/ helping with homework, and feeding the youngest

— has dad facial hair scruff (🫠)

— when you come home and pietro had the day with the kids, they’d be sleeping on him on the sofa. both kids tucked into his side, little baby on his chest and the tv is playing cartoons. it’ll be your new lock screen

— he teaches the kids sokovian, and uses terms of endearment/ everyday words in his home language so the kids pick up on it. and more importantly use it

#ask #anon #pietro maximoff #pietro maximoff headcanon #pietro maximoff x reader #pietro x reader #dad pietro #pietro maximoff imagine

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thee-apple-of-my-eye · 26 days ago

Text

‘WHAT THE FUCK IS ALIEN STAGE EVEN ABOUT???’

This is a post for my friends that still haven’t watched it PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU I’LL WATCH AOT IF YOU WATCH ALNST PLEASE ITS LIKE 30 MINUTES FOR THE WHOLE THING

Ahem..

Anyways, what IS Alien Stage about?? Listen to my no-research explanation 👍 I’m qualified bcs I’ve watched Alien Stage 5 times and I cried on Valentine’s Day. If you get that reference i love you. (It’s wiege 😔)

Think Squid Games x The Voice or maybe Project Sekai ig 🤷‍♀️

The premise is super simple so dw. Aliens invaded earth and destroyed everything. Now, they’re taking humans in as pets. The ones we follow are basically K-pop idols

MAIN CHARACTERS - MIZI, SUA, IVAN, TILL, HYUNA, LUKA.

All of them are on the newest season of ALIEN STAGE. Alien Stage is a singing competition where two humans get on a stage in front of a bunch of aliens and sing their hearts out. Aliens vote on who wins, and whoever loses dies, while whoever wins will advance. It’s like a bracket.

Now that all of that’s out of the way, let’s talk abt the humans!!! They were kinda raised in Anakt Garden which doesn’t really matter but they were trained to sing there. Every Hu,an is owned by an alien, most of which are bad ‘people’ (for example, most of them are incredibly abusive..)

Now, to the characters!

MIZI!!!

Mizi is what I would consider our main character. She appears in the first episode, ROUND 1.

Mizi’s the more cheerful, happy character. Her alien is arguably one of the ‘nicer’ ones so she’s not as traumatized or hurt as the others. From what I can see at least lmao.

Overall I personally don’t know much about Mizi aside from what I’ve seen, but she’s very emotional, very caring.. if you play Genshin, think Navia kinda. If you watch TBHK, she’s kinda like Nene? She’s the happiest person in the show lol. At least for a little bit before that happiness is ripped away 🥲

Next up, SUA!!!

Now SUA is someone I can easily explain using Tbhk characters. Think Aoi Akane (the girl Aoi). There you go.

(Let me stfu and do my job before I go on a Tbhk rant)

ANYWAYS

Sua is more complicated but not super complex. She and Mizi are childhood friends, they’re always together, Sua kinda inspired Mizi to sing, etc. Sua lowkey hates everyone but Mizi lmao. Anyways, as I was saying, Sua is one of the most important characters in alien stage if not the most important. Mizi did everything mainly in Sua’s memory.

As I was saying, think Aoi Akane when it comes to Sua.

Up next.. IVAN!!!

I LOVE HIMM!!

He’s so silly

Anyways—Ivan is also very complicated imo

And NO I will not downgrade him to ‘In love with Till and that’s it’ I REFUSE.

Ivan’s alien is one of the worse ones I think. Ivan grew up literally not understanding how to smile.

He literally didn’t understand social interactions at all, so he appeared kinda off putting to others.

If you watch JJK, he’s kinda like Suguru. That’s the best I could think of lol.

Anyways, he’s one of the characters that ties in very closely with another. (Like how Sua and Mizi are tied together in the storyline)

He’s very closely related to Till (which kinda sucks because his whole story revolves around Till in most cases.)

Ivan would do things to intentionally upset Till to get his attention, (like fighting him as a kid 😨)

(.. you get the idea 😭 this ^ was in Anakt Garden btw)

Anyways, Ivan eventually put in effort to appear more normal, and he befriended Mizi and adopted a more cheerful personality.

Behind all of this, Ivan sees the world as rather sorrowful and cruel. He believes he’s destined for unhappiness and is resigned to the reality that Till doesn’t feel the same about him, that Till doesn’t love him. (We’ll get back to this in Till’s part)

Anyways, Ivan deserved better, love him so much, etc.

TILL!!!

(I hope you can see where this is going based on that gif. He is SAD)

I don’t even know who I could compare him to tbh. The best I could think of is Kou from Tbhk.

TILLL is lovely. Lots of stuff to go over with him

Let’s start with the fact that Till actually has a mother. Idk about Sua and Mizi, but Ivan doesn’t even know his own birthday and from what we know he has no parents. Luka is another case of this (we’ll go over that later.)

So yes, Till actually has a mother, he was a baby, etc. Till is shown to be very sensitive, a bit timid, very emotional. He’s outspoken, he yells at aliens, he flips them off, etc. (Yes there’s a real image of him flipping off an alien lmao)

Till is known specifically for being very disobedient, and imo his alien is one of the top 2 WORST ones. His alien and Luka’s are tied.

His alien straight up abuses him harshly because he’s so disobedient (I’m so sorry i love you Till)

Now his relationship with Mizi.. if you couldn’t tell, Mizi and Sua are in love. Till is in love with Mizi. Ivan is in love with Till. Very upsetting.

Ivan has actually escaped from the aliens with Till before, but Till went back bcs he couldn’t leave Mizi behind.

I won’t go into the details about what aliens are implied to have done to Till, but js know that it’s incredibly abusive.

(If you’re sensitive please be warned. I’ll put it right here in small text: It’s implied that Till was drugged/subdued and sexually assaulted. I’m so sorry my poor baby.)

Quick note - People have called him the male Ado bcs of his voice! Do with that as you wish.

I’ve said enough about Till imo and I don’t want spoil too much so let’s keep going,

HYUNAAA!!!!!! 🤗🥰🥳

My beautiful queen <3

HYUNAAA

Haven’t mentioned her a ton bcs she’s SUCH a spoiler but she’s definitely an important character <3

Basically, she runs a rebellion against aliens, and she escaped from Alien Stage.

I can’t say too much because she’s IMPORTANT and this is supposed to be mainly spoiler free.

But still

DON’T SKIP ALL-IN WHEN YOU WATCH ALNST

Please

She’s so cool and confident and amazing and she’s so pretty and she’s taller than her boyfriend and I love her.

Idrk who she reminds me of. Tbh she’s her own character, nobody is like her.

Now it’s time for our last character <3

My favorite

LUUUUKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God he’s such an asshole I love him

THIS is our antagonist

(Me losing all my credibility in the ALNST fandom as soon as I say he’s my favorite 😔)

I also can’t say much abt him because he’s a spoiler. But js know I could go on and on.

Idrk who he reminds me of either. He’s Luka, that’s who he reminds me of.

Cruel guy.

OH RIGHT

I said I’d talk abt him

Yes, yes

He was artificially created. Think of a rare animal when you think of him. That’s how he’s treated. Like how people breed dogs and cats to look beautiful and be elegant, but they’re born with an increased risk of disease and health issues. Like how sphynx cats have a higher chance of heart issues.

Luka has at least 3 diseases. I’m pretty sure it’s a heart issue, migraines and asthma.

His alien is also incredibly abusive, similar to Till’s. He was forced to learn how to control his heart rate so he never has a heart attack, and he’s forced to train even if he’s hurt.

He actually won the last season of Alien Stage, and he’s the oldest participant. He’s 30 lol. Crazy tbh

My poor baby please watch Wiege if you want to know more. Or head his wiki. It’s really sad I already read it a while ago.

Love Luka. He’s so tragic.

Anyways, we’re done! WATCH ALIEN STAGE!!! PLEASE!!!

Also please make this blow up I didn’t spend an hour for it to flop 😭 I might make another but with pure spoilers, after I do more research. Like a full breakdown.

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love-is-a-pearl · 3 months ago

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hey so I know we talked a little about Kalos with Silver (for their Kalosian Woods AU) but I was rereading your one post thread about the character arc shown from Unova to Kalos to Alola and how Kalos wouldn’t have really been a narratively satisfying League win for Ash in the grand scheme of the Pokemon anime. Your analysis gave me a new appreciation for what the Alola League did and also for the inter-region story that was developed with Ash and his desire to win.

At the same time, however, I’ve been thinking about how the main XYZ writers originally wanted Kalos to be a league win for Ash, and how, combined with the final episodes of XYZ, how it did feel like they were trying to end Ash’s story there (no transition to the next region, etc). And Im thinking about how, in an alternate timeline, we could’ve gotten that and might’ve even had an Alola anime with a new protagonist, if they’d wanted to end Ash’s story with Kalos.

So I was wondering, what changes would you make to Ash’s XYZ character that would make a Kalos League win feel thematically appropriate and satisfying? Would you change anything about his dynamics with the rest of the group?

And what would you have liked from a SM/Alola anime with a different protagonist? Do you think they would’ve been able to maintain the theme of family and the culture the anime proper gave Alola? With a new protagonist, would you have had Guzma win the league, or them, or someone else entirely?

This really is just to bounce off ideas, so don’t feel like you need to respond.

Ok, first I think getting a run-down of why Kalos wouldn't be a good place to end things is a good starting point:

Ash's pokemon (other than a certain frog) are barely relevant

Kalos had a laser focus on Greninja and that's the season's biggest flaw in my eyes. Pokemon got lucky if they had episodes beyond the ones where they evolved, with Goodra and Noivern being the most blatant examples of that.None of them had super close connections with Ash and the fact some of them never even had any relevant battles before the league would make such important win along them feel extremely dissatisfying for me.

Compare that to Alola, where Ash actually had super close bonds with each pokemon he caught (save for Melmetal tbh) and how each of them had arcs in the league itself!

That's awesome! And that's the right only way for Ash to have a League win! It got to be something he does along his pokemon. Not just for himself.

Also, Ash winning any league wouldn't be as impactful if it was not by Pikachu's side (and I can assure that Kalos wouldn't allow anyone one other than Greninja to take down Diantha's Gardevoir if we came to that).

JNs was not the best and Alola's battles could have been better sure, but the fact Pikachu was there in the last battle as Ash's final pokemon in both instances is cathartic. Pikachu is Ash's extension! It's important for Pikachu to be there in the finale along Ash for such important moments for them. Kalos would not have done that.

The companions and Ash are not that close

Sorry not sorry but the "Kalos fam" has some of the most superficial dynamics of all the anime.

Serena and Ash's relationship (which was even supposed to be more than friendship) is painful to watch at times. Ash doesn't seem to like her much, not ever trying to learn about her (even with her saying they DID met before) and in general is very one-sided.

And the same can be said about Clemont. He sees Ash as this amazing trainer he has to aim towards, but other than the "science is amazing" comments, Ash doesn't seem to reciprocate at all.

Neither of them help eachother with their goals other than some few times Clemont and Ash trained. Like, compared to May, with whom Ash was very invested in getting her to find something to do at the beggining and how he showed even more interest in her goal around Battle frontier. Dawn (nuff said). Iris, with whom he trained plenty of times. Lillie, who he put lots of effort into helping with her fear of pokemon (and even sometimes Mallow's and Sophocles' episodic goals).

Gosh, even certain characters of the day got more of Ash's support than Serena and Clemont, with Korrina being the most obvious and funny example. Ash gets so attached to her, her training and her wish to become stronger and they interact SO naturally that is always funny to see how the writers can write such good dynamics between Ash and this one gym girl but not yknow, his "kalosian family". And dont dare to say that he is only like that because she wants to be stronger. Clemont wants that too and Ash doesn't give a SHIT!

Ash is a character that cares a lot for others and the fact he seemed to care so little for his Kalos friends is painful to watch (specially with how much Clemont and Serena ADORE him!)

A season where Ash wins a league shouldn't be about only him achieving something (which Kalos totally feels like). It should be something more. Something about how Ash being with those people helped them grow, about how they helped him grow, and how much they matter to him.

Kalos is not a relevant place for Ash himself

There's nothing about how Kalos is written that makes the region or the people in there feel special for Ash.

Honestly this can be said to all regions. I'm a Sinnoh apologist but even I admit that Ash becoming Sinnoh champion wouldn't be the most interesting for him as he doesn't have a super strong connection with it other than Dawn, Paul and kinda of Cynthia.

In Kalos he surely had Serena, Clemont, Bonnie; And Sycamore, Korrina, Alain and Diantha can be added into the list too if we force it a bit. But there's nothing about Kalos itself that makes it stand out as a region Ash would want to "reign", you get me? Maaaybeeee the romance thing with Serena could make it more relevant, but that was done poorly and doesn't count enough for me.

To be completely honest, the most satisfactory region for Ash to win up to gen6 would totally have been Kanto. That's his home, where he was born, his mom is there, lots of his friends (brock, misty, gary, oak, tracey) are there. That's where he met Pikachu.

No other region felt as special up till Alola. And sure it is super cheesy at times, but it works!

With those in mind, I think is also worth noting how Kalos' beggining and ending are smh detached from the middle story and how that lack of planning is one of the reasons the writing in that season is so irritating for me.

Like, we have the first 2 episodes of Kalos that stabilish:

That Clemont lost his gym to his own robot.

That Clemont's father is a superhero.

That Serena knows Ash for a while now.

And then in the Flare Finale, we have the payoff to those things, with:

Clembot dying.

Clemont and Bonnie discovering (with the most lukewarm reactions my I add) that Myers is Blaziken Mask.

Serena kissing Ash.

And that's the thing. Other than in the beggining and ending: THOSE THINGS DONT MATTER!!!!

Clemont losing the gym to Clembot is resolved in ep9 and that whole thing about him losing the gym matters nothing in the long run other than that we lose the precious potential of having a Heliolisk in the main gang!

Meyer NEVER appears outside of the starting and ending arcs!

Serena and Ash BARELY interact in any meaningful way in the WHOLE anime and their friendship is one of the weakest between all main characters!

For any of the above to hold weight, there should have been more moments in the actual anime building up to it. Clemont's gym thing should have been more important than just the place where Ash jumped off from; Meyer should have been a more relevant character; Ash should have been a better friend to Serena if they wanted to sell the idea that this girl really feel for this version of him when he is extremely neutral to her at best (and a complete jerk at worse).

Honestly for a Kalos league win to feel earned, a whole rewrite from ep 7 to 136 would be needed for me lol

Make Serena's "give up too fast" into an actual character trait and not something her mom said once. Have her try things (SPECIALLY BATTLES) and give up! Have Ash help her with those things and try his optimistic "dont give up" bullshit only for it to backfire on her because it's not easy for everybody to be like that.

And not rushing her into "doing something" because they wasted 50 episodes not trying anything with her beforehand! It's fine that Serena took so long to find what she wanted to do, but the fact she didn't try anything or had any moment focused on her struggling with that beforehand IS NOT!

Have Clemont learn something from Ash too. Have his struggle with maintaining the Gym and what it all means to him hold more weight! Have Clemont try Ash's humanxpokemon training a few times so he can build up his confidence. Have that lil tidbit we saw before his battle with Ash and what it means to be a Gym Leader be an integral part of his character! Have his inventions be more relevant than just some gag. Have him and Serena be closer because they "arent like Ash, but they want to be".

Have Ash affect them, but also have them affect Ash more! Have Ash learn how to dance with Serena and have that stick! Combine that with Counter Shield and make that move go from "ash and dawn's thing" to "ash and ALL HIS FRIENDS's thing" QAQ Have Ash learn some strategies from Clemont too and use his inventions during his pokemon training!

HAVE THE DAMN POKEMON INTERACT WITH ONE ANOTHER AND WITH TRAINERS OTHER THAN THEIR OWN!!

Gosh, seriously, the fact I can count on one hand the amount of times Ash ever acknowledged Fennekin's existence is terrible! The pokemon should be as relevant as people in the goddamn pokemon anime and that's one thing Kalos failed to get that all other seasons get (maybe not JNs).

We could have had so much more SerenaxHawlucha moments if they weren't cowards. That bird would have LOVED showcases and the fact Hawlucha never saw a single one of those shows how much Kalos' writing fails at making those characters feel connected with their stupid "only one person at the spotlight each time" approach. If an episode is about Serena, only her pokemon appear; If its about Clemont, only his pokemon appear; if is about Ash, good luck having screen time even if you're a human. And that's bad. That should not be the approach to a pokemon season, let alone the season where the MC is supposed to achieve his most important goal!

But let's say that Kalos ends as it is and Ash wins. I think another year and another 50 or so episodes would be needed still. To have Ash go throught the same arc he went throught Alola, but in Kalos.

Maybe we could have a rewrite from Snowbelle onwards.

Maybe after how Ash acts when she was just trying to help, Serena could leave the gang (I know it sounds like me being a hater but HEAR ME OUT). Ash hurt her feelings, treated her horribly right before and is not like she has a reason to stay other than to cheer for him in the league. So she leaves (and I keep thinking on expanding the idea of her final words being something like "I thought you were different" to add to "that's not you" she says in that episode).

And that's what gets Ash to realize he messed up. If he got the kindest girl in the world fed up with his bullshit is because he messed up big time.

And I like the promise he makes with Greninja, about starting from zero, and that could be what he does here.

But to what extend, i dont know.. I keep thinking that he could rechallenge gym leaders and about Hoenn's battle frontier to tie in with Hoenn remakes, but neither of those sound right (specially since he already did the battle frontier).

Maybe a Brandon re-challenge in specific? Since Ash never won against him fully and to parallel Paul back in DP?

Or maybe a small arc of him re-challenging the gym leaders in the Battle Chateau (it could work as JN's world championship tbh)?

Maybe he goes back to Lumiose with Clemont and we have a bit more of Meyer too to salvage THAT plot point. And maybe Sycamore could even give him mega stones to help him "start over" :0c Maybe he could then bring back reserves to tie in everything properly?

I dont know.

What I know is: It would be nice to follow a bit of Serena's side too! Maybe she could just go back home or go all the way to Hoenn and start doing contests! And we could see her growing into more of her own person and expanding the abilities she never explored before (LIKE BATTLING WHY SHE NEVER BATTLED?) and existing outside of Ash yknow!?

And more importantly, on Ash's side, I think it would be a great chance of showing his feelings for Serena in this "arc" if they really wanted to make them endgame.

Like, have him realize how much he misses her, how her support was way more important to him than he expected and have him realize how the people around you are more important than winning or something. Same message from Alola but with that romantic twist Kalos yearns for.

Have Ash grow into "the person he really is" for Serena mostly. And have him reach for her just to show her that (perhaps in a battle :3c) and have her finally back into the gang after he proves just how much he really cares.

And then league goes same way I guess. Except Greninja gets backseated for the finale cause I say so.

Now, SunMoon!

Alola would totally maintain the family theme no matter what, yes!

Alola's core theme is "finding a place where you belong" after all. We can see that in the games too, with Lillie's problems with her mother; Gladion who keeps this split life of "do I protect my sister or do I embrace Team Skull"; How Team Skull themselves is a bunch of kiddos that failed the island challenge and have nowhere to be due to that. Even the protag that comes from a whole nother region to find themselves adapting to a new life.

That's also why letting Ash win there, the kid who never had a place to belong despite 20 years of going around, is very satisfactory too.

But doing that with any main character that feels displaced in their own home would have been good ngl (making the MC Selene instead of Helio and expand on that outcast feel with some queer-coding in her relationship with Lillie would be awesome ôwô)

I also keep thinking of the idea of cutting the middle man and upgrading Lillie into full main character.

Ash stole Nebby from her, but lets say that the anime goes kinda the same way but the Tapus give Lillie Nebby instead. It would be interesting.

Have her try and protect it while also hiding it from her mom. Have her learn to battle to protect it and slowly grow stronger herself. I just like the idea of Lillie becoming a battler ok? It feels like the natural progression from scared girl who can't talk back to her mom /scared of pokemon > to girl who can fight for her ideals along the pokemon that took her in when no one else did.

Have her go with it as Solgaleo after her mom and save her with the pokemon that has always been by her side! The Pokemon that felt more like family than her own. Good stuff!

But the league.. I dont know honestly. If we keep this idea of Lillie as MC, down to living with Kukui and finding a family under him, it can work the same way in the anime, just put Lillie in Ash's place.

But I know the anime would never so. Idk. I still think a GuzmaxKukui battle would be good no matter what so Lillie(or any other MC) failing in the league against Guzma, only for Kukui to come and protect his adopted child would be interesting to see to ngl!

And PUH-LEASE, I ADORE this kinds of talk! Rambling about pokemon meta/what ifs is my favorite thing, I just dont do it more often cause I know I'm irritating :v

#answered asks #|→ diamond digging #long post #i mean look at how much i wrote #i know thats irritating specially with my unpopular takes lol #i even had to put a read more because that was getting 'do you love the color of the sky' kinds of long

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ushiwakaout · 1 year ago

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Yooooo. I’m feeling kinda in a angst mood so I want to like politely ask maybe a argument scenario from like angst to fluff? For kita, Atsumu, Osamu, and Suna. Or you can just do one. Love yuh lots.

I’ll make these short and good so you can get the whole experience with 3 of them.

TIME SKIP!

SPOILERS!

BETA DRAFT! srry.

[Osamu is a little ooc tbh but i think out of all the haikyuu boys he’d be the most poetic and im leaving out Suna because i cannot seem to write him correctly for the life of me, i am not satisfied.]

Shinsuke Kita

He’s not emotional. We know this. He’s apathetic, and you knew this the second you got into this relationship so why are you arguing with him. He finds this pointless. He breathes heavily and pinches the ridge of his nose, “Don’t do that! You said you would do better and you haven’t! Are you even listening to me?”

“If you don’t like what we’ve got then just leave!” He slaps his sun hat on the table, his gloves are still on. Kita literally just got back from a long, hot, exhausting day at the rice farm.

He didn’t mean to yell, and he didn’t mean the words that slipped out his mouth. It was too late. He knew that. Kita stared at his shoes, not daring to look at you. “Seriously? Kita? You promised me you’d try be more expressive with me…”

He tugs at you heart strings when he keeps his head down, he’s squeezing the chair nearby and it’s making his knuckles white. “Kita…” You try to cup his cheek, making an effort to try and get him to look at you but he swatted your hand away.

“That’s enough y/n, I don’t need you to babysit my emotions and the way i express things.”

Oh now you where upset.

You took a couple of steps back in disbelief, “I understand that you’ve been having a difficult time at the farm but that’s not an excuse for being a shit boyfriend… How about i take a load off your shoulders- we’re done Shinsuke, I-I’ve had enough…”

He doesn’t stop you from collecting your things. He doesn’t stop you from walking out the door.

It slams shut and he’s just standing there, in his empty kitchen. His house is a ghost of you. Every corner had been decorated by you. So he looks to the floor.

Tears fall to his shoes and he’s shaking.

It’s from crying he thinks, but the more he cries the harder he was shaking.

“Kita.”

Your soft whisper breaks him from a nightmare.

His cheeks are wet.

He was crying. But it wasn’t real.

“Kita? What’s wrong honey? You were having a nightmare…”

His head was still resting on your chest, the same position he was originally in before his nightmare. You caressed his hair. He loved feeling your fingers run through your hair. He felt safe. Kita tightened his hold around you, “I’m okay now.” He whispered, kissing the closes part of you before nuzzling back into your chest. “I love you, y/n… i know i can be a little apathetic… but i care for you the most in this world.”

Atsumu Miya

He’s always been a ladies man.

You hate how stupid good looking he is.

It makes you feel insecure sometimes how much he gets hit on and you don’t. “It’s because he’s respected in the male community.” His twin brother spoke. “Everyone knows your his partner… so they back off.” It made your head hurt.

At a large volleyball gathering, you decided to wear something a little more eye catching. He thinks nothing of it, he tells you how amazing you look and you’re off to the party.

He’s pissed that he’s brought you now.

Who the hell told him it would be a good idea to bring his freaking partner. Osamu laughed at him when he mentioned something about it. “Now you can finally see how y/n feels…” Atsumu raised a brow. “What do you mean by that?”

Osamu regrets speaking. He lets out a sigh, “Y/n been feeling insecure lately. They don’t like the way you instigate things with them, that your flirty or that you look at them for that matter-“

Atsumu began waving his hands, trying to get him to stop speaking “You sure they didn’t you you were me? T-they wouldn’t keep something like that from me...” He glances over at you, a man from a different team was making your laugh. You fixed your hair shyly as you smile to the man who talks to you.

Before Osamu could try and stop his brother from doing anything stupid. He hand already marched towards you. “Uh yeah excuse me- this is my partner and we are leaving, thank you for keeping her company-”

“Atsunu what the fu-”

He’s dragging you out of the building and you don’t struggle, he was never one to run out of a party so the suden rush prevented you from even thinking of stopping him.

“Atsumu can you please tell me what the hell we’re doing out here! I’m freezing!”

His hand was still squeezing your bicep, “Why did Osamu have to tell me that you’ve been feeling insecure.”

You freeze. This was not, a conversation you wanted to have. Not now especially.

“Can we not- Can we not do this here, please?”

“No, i thought we didn’t hide stuff from eachother.”

“Atsumu-”

“It’s me right? Because i pretend with them-”

You’re stuttering and stumbling threw your worlds as he continues to speak.”

“Did they say something to you, I swear-”

“I DONT FEEL GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!”

You blurted out, grabbing at fabric of his shirt. “I don’t think i even have…” You’re looking at your feet now. “I know you don’t see the things they say about me for dating you, but it’s mean… I wanna give you so much love but how much sanity will i have left… they pick at me for every little thing i do, wrong or right. I love you ‘Sumu… I really do but I don’t know know how much more i can take.”

He’s the one frozen now.

“You’re not breaking up with me.”

“What-”

“Like hell you’re breaking up with me. Give me 5 minutes… stay here… please.”

He kisses the tip of your nose while squeezing both of you’re shoulders.

You’re standing there confused and sad. Sniffling and cold air brushed your chilled skin. From inside the building you could see through the glass door how he paced back in forth and spoke into the phone. it wasn’t long before he came back out.

Once we was in front of you, he cupped your hands on his. “Do you love me?” He kisses your wrist. You nod, sniffling back a tear. “Good. Do you trust me?” He kisses your other wrist, you nod again- almost choking on your breath. “I called my agent… He’s calling a press meeting for me, and i’m going to state that if any network, any fan girl, any article writes poorly about you- they will be sued by me every single time. We’ve already got a few people in mind, the paper work will go through tomorrow.”

“Sumu… you didn’t have to do any of that.”

“I will rather quit volleyball, then have you break up with me, because of an issue i can fix.” He kisses your cheek softly. “You’re perfect for me, i won’t let other make you think otherwise.”

Osamu Miya

He couldn’t close on time again.

He cursed under his breath, running towards the restaurant that you had originally picked out. He let the hostess know your name but her lips tightened and she shook her head. “You’ve just missed em, drank a glass of [liquor] and then made their way out… Sorry.” Her apology was apathetic.

He walked out the establishment and once he heard the door close behind him, he cursed loudly into the air.

He tried calling your phone but it didn’t even ring. It was off or worse he was blocked. It was late, the trains where no longer running so he walked himself home in his suit. Osamu quickly had put it on, and it was clear that he did because it was wrinkled and his tie was not tied correctly. It took him about an hour to get home. The one you shared.

He had a gut feeling before he opened the door. So he stood there, his hands in his pockets. Your stuff would be picked up and gone. He was with you because he loved that you had such a strong head on your shoulders… you wouldn’t take it any longer. Today, one-hundred percent, was the final straw.

3 year anniversary.

He let his forehead drop to the door, making a light thud. He gripped the little box in his pocket.

The reason he had been working like a dog, day and night.

This stupid little ring.

It was perfect too. He knew exactly what you liked, what you wanted. It was way over over his budget but he’s do anything for you.

“Osamu? Is that you?” Your voice chirped from behind the door. His head shot up and looked ahead. “Y/n?” You unlocked the door, slowly revealing that you had changed into you pjs, eyes swollen from crying. “I waited for you…” You whispered, your voice breaking in the process.

God he hates himself. He hated himself for making you like his. “y/n im so sorry…” he whispered. “please forgive me…” he dropped to his knees, his body lightly brushing yours as he held you. “i shouldn’t have been late, i should have never missed any of our dates… please give me one more chance, please hear me out...”

he backs up and props up a knee, digging into his pocket. there’s a shift in your eyes that he notices, “Don’t freak out, this isn’t me trying to tie you down that way… not necessarily…”

he clears his throat, opening the box that was in his hand, displaying it to you. “there is no one in the world… no one… i would rather be with than you. i can’t see myself with anyone else. i would be the luckiest man in the world if you married me, but this- you can say no to this…”

you’re still frozen, tears falling down your cheeks, sniffling. “I want to earn you… i don’t deserve you right now… i’ve been the worse boyfriend there is… there’s no excuse for it but all those nights i’ve been working late have been for you- and you only… i’m sorry i couldn’t communicate that with you. let me earn you again… let me show you that i am worth being your husband.”

you start nodding slowly, sinking down onto your knees to kiss him. “I’ll promise i’ll be better.” he says in between stolen kisses as he slips the tin onto your finger.

Author Note: My request are open!!! Please do fill free to ask for something.

i did lie

i came back from the dead

i write for haikyuu, jjk, chainsaw man and MHA primarily <3

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aychama · 7 months ago

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I'm sorry if this is too personal but did you had/have any art trauma caused by art teachers in school? And by trauma I mean some aversion to try learning one thing, because art teacher was just a dick. I have something like that with shading and it still holds after 6 years as a adult and I want to break it, but I cannot force myself to try it again and this holds my proggres as a ,,artist" and that's make me smad. I'm sorry once again if this is too personal or too hard to answer

Yup I did! Tho idk if I can call it "trauma" tbh

Oop I kinda went on a rant sorry lol

I studied ceramics in uni but I did have nude art classes and classes that required detailed art projects.

Although most of my uni time was wasted thanks to covid, I did get harrassed by a few of my classmates and my teacher in my last year.

My classmate had said that my art level wasnt good enough to be in this uni and my teacher yelled at me in the middle of class for like a week or two because I refused his ideas for my projects (he had given me the ok on the design before he changed his mind 180 and started pointing and laughing at me with my classmates while i worked on my ceramic project)

I eventually had to give up resisting because I wanted to pass the class and let him do whatever he wanted. (He legit just put clay on top of my design, smoothed it out and that was it in fact here is the design he gave me the ok to, the middle of my project and the way he stopped me)

After this I basicly didnt do anything more for his class, minimum effort. My days in Uni weren't all bad thank god but I was extremely unmotivated.

After I graduated, I didnt really draw or create much until my love for drawing rekindled with Cult of The Lamb! I love this game and Narilamb too much lmao-

But as for something similar to your experience I would say that I used to play the bass and electro guitar in highschool and we had to perform one day which I chickened out from that resulted in the music teacher getting angry at me. I dont play the guitar anymore :/ But my love for music hasnt died and I am using my love for art diffrently!

I would say that even if certain experiences deviates you from some topics, branches of art or people, dont let it kill your whimsy and ideas. You can always try out diffrent things to find something fun like diffrent styles of drawing, shading or no shading, diffrent mediums like digital or traditional, new or old techniques, weird colors or designs. You can always try out whats popular to see if you like it or not as well. You can also consume a lot of art media, educational or entertainment.

There is so many creative things you can try out, you dont have to be stuck on the past and that one shading idea your teacher tried to teach you ır tried to force onto you. I think you can go back to it after trying out many diffrent things to see if it was the technique or the teacher that ruined it for you.

If it was the technique, there are many MANY diffrent ones that you can enjoy!

If it was the teacher, Im not a therapist so idk what would be the right thing to say but healing takes time, sometimes the things people say never leaves you and sometimes you forget it 5 minutes later. You are a person with the ability to change, learn and grow. The only thing that is in your way is your 'will'. If you are willing to change, even if takes a long time, you will change! But if you dont want to, then no one can force you.

Healing and moving on is hard but not impossible. Dont let an asshole teacher get in the way of your growth ❤️

#vent #i think #ask #rant

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kaigoesbrr · 7 months ago

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I love your Fanfict Eclipse So much !! im a big fan!

Im just wondering if there's going to be a new chapter soon?

( Im apologize if im bothering you, i just really like the fanfict )

Akajfksjkajdks love that you love it.

Some of you guys have asked me similar questions, so take this as a bit of an update:

HIATUS IS OVERRRRR!!! :D

So,

I took a break after chapter 12 to go on vacation, and it reached over to September because I had to take some time to get adjusted to my University's ✨ new and exciting ✨ environment (just got in yay!!!).

But last week @enavstars and I finally started planning the next episode! It's enough for now to start writing, too, hihi.

I can't promise you anything about when it will come out, as I am quite busy (I'm studying a Dual Degree 💀), but at least now you know that I'm officially back to writing again!!!!!

Here's a little snippet of the draft for a oneshot I wrote as a warm-up ( @enavstars I blame you for this :)).

-------------------------------

Anyway,

I can't begin to express the gratitude and pride I feel when I read all your comments. I'm so glad this project is reaching so many people who really enjoy it!!

I've read all of the asks I've been sent and I appreciate the concern, but do not worry, we will never abandon this. It's important to us, and we've spent a lot of time and effort to make it happen (it's our baby lmao). So thank you so much for your support!

ALSO ALSO ALSO

We're thinking that we could further explain some details about the fic here on Tumblr; from things like why Kai's mask is a tiger, to why we chose Cole to be the victim of you know what ;).

Would you perhaps be interested to know? 👀

also friendly reminder that @enavstars is also on this project and is in fact the main brain behind it I mean they deserve all the credit I get too tbh <333

#ninjago #eclipseninjago #fanfic #enavstars #ninjago kai #update #update update update #hiatus b gone #thank you alfjlaksjsl

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catgirlbussy · 2 years ago

Text

im gonna do a lil sadpost, as a treat. if u dun wanna read that or interact or anything there's no harm done <3 it kinda feels nice sayin stuff into the void tbh, cause i know as i look out ill always see myself at minimum, and im still thankful. im alive. if someone can relate or whatever then thats a neat bonus ★

I'm not super sure how to formulate these thoughts, cause lots of it is just incompressible /feeling/. I've been on HRT for close to two years now, and modifying my internal physical landscape alongside the work I put in with the ways I've learned sharing benefit so far, like therapy and self-directed exploration of my emotions and the simple but vital practice of being more open with others about how I'm feeling, has uncovered a lot.

It's been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. I don't have any regrets for starting this set of changes, even with full knowledge of the difficulties I've had rise as a result and that more are on the horizon, and also full awareness in that I will need to continue putting in the *good* work to care for myself and learn how to navigate the parts in my mind I'd kept hidden or obscured for so long. It's not /bad/, I feel so grateful to have this opportunity at all and I feel bounteous joys in this trove of beautiful experiences that, up 'till not too long ago, I never thought I'd be able to experience -- though I absolutely still dreamed of having them so vividly.

I have a lot of good graces in my life re: my transition. In a lot of ways I feel I've been exceedingly lucky. Canada has its fair share of problems without a doubt, but I also know full well there are a lot more places on our planet where it's much more difficult to be openly trans, let alone dangerous or lethal. I don't take that as an opportunity to rest, either, because having cracks forming in the firmament, letting in light to my dream of a world where trans experiences are accepted (and to note most thoroughly, I'm learning more of a lot of cultures in days gone by, /including some aspects of my own heritage/, having extended gender representations ingrained in their societal norms, some as far even to revere the dynamic and unique experience of existing beyond the gender binary in whatever way they saw as such) for **everyone** spurs in me an even deeper and impassioned drive to work in the ways I'm able to foster communication and connection while rebuking hostility so more and more beautiful, valid trans folks can experience respite and respect and safety as well.

I'm not wanting necessarily to change minds and upend the posture of society with this particular post, though, and so I hope you'll forgive me in my expressing my small, localised set of emotions in this moment. At the root of everything I experience I'm starting to get better at reminding myself that I'm a valid *individual person* in addition to being a contributor in the push for good and kindness for all.

It's probably telling that I feel the need to offer ~4 paragraphs as a disclaimer that I spend time learning about the global scale and am effortful in enacting progress there before just getting on with what I'm even feeling sad about. I don't see myself as a holy martyr for being nervous about expressing myself, but it seems more and more common evidently rather than by my hypothesis alone that many trans individuals would get by prior to exploring their gendered identity with burgeoning self-acceptance with a marked self-exclusionary behaviour when it came to opening themselves to emotional experience, regardless of any given instance being gendered or not. Until it becomes unmanageable, it feels easier to lock away senses of joy, sadness, etc. cause you can keep gettin on by in a sort of functional state and you tell yourself thats enough.

This is far from the worst thing I've come across so far, but I am feeling confused and the confusion is unique in its own way to the extent that I'm not even able to pin down how I /feel/ about feeling it. At its heart I can't seem to muster the right formulation of words to explain to others these particular experiences I'm having in my transition. Painting in broad strokes can be such disservice to the nuance for any individual's cluster of experiences, but tumblr if anything *for me* has brought much happiness in finding threads of commonality with others. Stark contrasts to my feelings of loneliness and seclusion from the world around me give me so much hope. I'm writing this partly in hopes that there is another one of those threads people might appreciate seeing. I do more than my fair share of journaling, but this one feels special and worth sharing right now, and so decadently I write these words for a community beyond myself.

To be blunted, perhaps I might phrase it by saying 'i feel sad about being happy.' It's that sort of absurdist perspective that helps me wrap my head around it a little better with how little sense it makes to my normal machinations. I'm not sad that I am having these new and thrilling experiences of adding or or changing parts of myself to live in the way I best see fit for who I am, but I feel sad because I don't know how to.

I get locked up at the slightest things. Someone compliments my nails, and its so hard to communicate efficiently the impossibly depthed importance this literally surficial act has for me. They aren't even painted well, but I painted them /myself/, I felt catharsis in exploring my love of artistic expression in the choice of colours, I rode high on the thrill of watching this new skill form in my own hands. The coat is uneven and I can't quite keep myself from getting knicks in places as they dry yet and I'm still practicing the nail care associated with maintaining healthy and resilient nails, but if I can be so bold to say, god forbid women do anything.

This person obviously wasn't chastising me for partaking in a traditionally "femininely-associated act", let alone that so thoroughly most things people take for gendered in no way innately are, the whole binary supposition is a damned myth. But because of how I was brought up and the mindset I was taught to have before I fought to think for myself instead, this was a joy I'd always admired but felt I was abhorrent for wanting to partake in. Absolutely anyone who feels otherwise can irrevocably go fuck themselves if they aren't willing to examine the falsity of the foundational thoughts they 'think' they have leading them to ever want someone to abstain from such a viscerally unobstructive and innocuous form of self exploration and creativity bexause it's "for girls". This goes for anything. For anyone. Idc who you are or what label you wanna use at any given moment, go explore. Live life. God fuck do we need people to just experience joy in some ways so we aren't so incorrigible and hostile towards eachother.

But you don't stop whoever took 15 seconds out of their say to mention to you they like the colour and wanted you to know to discurse at length upon the structural bastardisation of who people are allowed to be, cause more than any of that I just want to feel happy about it.

I literally stutter out whatever form of thanks my malformed emotionally-communicative faculties can muster in this surprise and try not to start sobbing in the grocery store aisle or whatever. It's so /good/, and it's so frustrating that I don't even know how to just process and appreciate that it is.

I was so much an absentee in my own bodied self that I could not fathom an understanding of what gender euphoria was until it snuck up smashed me in the teeth. I didn't have any basis of understanding for what it was really like to be happy about some part of myself.

Despite my loneliness I have still had the experiences of friendships, people caring about me, and relationships where a partner genuinely appreciated parts of me, physical, mental, emotional, whatever. More now than ever I am having those experiences as I learn to come out of my cloister inside my head. But this time I'm not just numb to everything. Sure, as I'm learning to not just be unilaterally numb until my bastion of self-isolation fails and I break there is abundance of pain, but the pain I honestly prefer. It's more vivid than it's ever been before, but I can benchmark that I'm still alive by its contrast to neutrality. It's familiar, and my mechanisms of clutching my emotions into my soul can still carry me forward as I try to figure things out. But fuck me is it ever hard to have a happy experience and not know how to communicate that it tore my sense of stability in those moments to shreds. To lose the composure that carried me for so many years because someone sought to share something with me they thought I'd appreciate because they care about me feels so counterproductive to just enjoying the absolute gift that experience is.

Abstractly, as I'm wont to do to a remarkably self-apparent fault, I can tell myself that these things take time. Human emotion is so complex, and its panoply of shifting lights glinting as the facets move their positioning relative to the light of being alive is what drives me to do art, and it always has been, contradictory so fully to my desire to lock everything away. I can't circumnavigate multiple decades of trauma and be free and unfettered in my senses in an instant just because I'm aware it's possible. And so I try so fucking hard not to just sit down and cry in that grocery store aisle, cause it hurts so bad to be happy.

How dare I find glints of good in the polluted landscape we live in. But that mindset helps nothing. People striving to live amidst turmoil is what makes life worth living. There will always be strife, but there will always be the possibility for hope alongside it.

Without fail, each night I'll self-soothe myself into a mode of somewhat-restfulness imagining what it would be like to trust myself enough to be imperfect and let someone hold me. It's the only thing I do anymore. It even backfires sometimes and I just waking-dream my way through countless blissful scenarios about what it would be like if that cute girl I've been starting to become friends with mentioned she wanted to hold my hand for hours until the sun comes up and I know I won't have any sleep at all. It's so goddamn worth it. I revel in it, because at least in the theatre of my mind I can find small ways of letting myself feel those joys. They aren't really happening. It's my own hand rubbing a thumb gently along my collarbone in a faux affection. But it's the only way I've found that's not so obstructively blinding in intensity for me to practice what it would be like to be close to others.

I still lose my sense of self so often. I find bruises from where I bumped into things and wholesale didn't notice until the tiredness sets in and I can't autonomously ignore how sore I am. I dive effortlessly into the placid waters of dissociation when someone gives me a hug, despite that being what I have dreamed of for so many years during my self-imposed isolation. Someone tells me they like an art piece I've made and I stopper any sense of pride or appreciation for their kind words despite pouring however much time channeling my slowly uncoiling understanding of reality into every particle of it and wishing that my experiences could convey any amount of any feeling whatsoever to another living being with the entirely selfish act of wanting that I feel like I had a real connection.

I can't get by with chainsmoking and shelf-set pain medications and blind ignorance any more. I can't ignore how badly I want to feel. I am figuring it out instant by instant and it scares me horribly. One day my yearnings for closeness will be actualised because I'll be ready to open when they come. My selfsense-extracted mutterings of the hypothetical joys of being pressed down into sheets and kissed because someone deigned to gift me with attention for they hold appreciation of this newly forming, ill-configured, but ultimately revelatory feminine self I'm becoming will no longer be fiction and prose but the rawness of experience that I, once, and then more, can lose myself into without terror thay I'm inadequate and never truly worth it. Someone will touch my breasts and love me for loving them myself and I'll give in to the annihilating instant where I am no longer a sense of self but just am. This body is not me but my, and I will scrape and fight however I can muster to live vicariously thru it because that is what I am meant to do by being here alive at all. If anything ever again I want to feel what love is like.

I'm not even reading this back to see if it conveys properly let alone makes sense at all. I'm exhausted and in so much pain. If you read this, thanks, and, if you can, go hug someone you love today.

#acceptance #love #kindness #affection #expression #long post #tldr #hope #trans #transgender #trans femme #trans girl #transition #hrt #hormones #mtf #pride #self love

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