#that would prob be the most helpful
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i think my problem is that when the ADD medication is doing it's thing, i have trouble sleeping
but then when it wears off, i have trouble getting myself into bed
i should be sleeping
#i have been going to bed around 3-4 in the morning most nights for the last 2-3 weeks and i need to fix this#but i just keep doing it#i keep telling myself that tonight will be the night i start going to bed a lil earlier#and then i just dont#yesterday i was up til 5 in the morning kicking moonlord's ass in terraria#considered just not going to bed cause then i would certainly be tired enough to fall asleep#i should probably also get some more movement or some exercise#that would prob be the most helpful#anyway it is currently 4:48 in the morning here#i told myself i would be in bed by 2:30 at the absolute latest cause i need to get back to a regular schedule so i can arrive on time for#the exam i have in like 2 days#i gotta get up at 6#i'm currently getting up around 10-12#i'm fucked#and i'm not fucking tired enough to sleep
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"what is the image of the ideal person..."
#@mark did llh buddhism posting ytd...and today i give us llh daoism posting... 🤲#well this is not new at alllll i feel like im just repeating myself but also WHY NOT.#ALSO. ''they do not endeavor to help life along (...) to ''solve'' or ''figure out'' life’s apparent knots and entanglements''#like...the whole show is llh literally doing that actually.#most of the times he's unraveling the knots and entanglements of other people's lives. while being neutrally motivated/emotionally detached#they're just means to his intended end...of solving his own mystery that is VERY personally motivated#and i'm always saying tbh he would have been very fine even if he didn't choose to go down the sgd rabbit hole#and when he did it was detrimental. prob better w/o that#but the whole point is he did AND he had to. and anything of lxy's life WILL come back to him#lhl's story can be read like a xianxia narrative bc it's a journey of self-cultivation and the setbacks#that come inherently with being human and mortal.#''they are like water (...) overcoming the hard and strong by suppleness'' -> win the fight by not fighting ✊✊✊#anyway i must state that the choice of the cap to go with the yin/feminine para (instead of ghost bride llh) is very deliberate#bc it's theee llh image that comes with the idea of llh's 母神的力量 <3#莲花楼#mysterious lotus casebook#lhl#lhlmeta#my posts
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Jimithon Mouthwashing is such a good representation of untreated, enabled NPD like it makes me want to squeeze the life out of him. I'm endlessly fascinated when watching him interact with his crew, surroundings, and himself because he's so fucking lost in his own sauce. It's insane. If I'm being real, it makes him my favorite character in the game.
It's a little scary to say, but watching Jimmy is like seeing a mirrored version of myself two years ago before I truly committed to treatment for my NPD. He's like a shadow. The opening line "I hope this hurts," which I believe comes from Jimmy right before the crash, is such a poignant statement. It's a simple line, but I can tell you from experience that the desire to hurt others when in a narcissistic rage is overwhelming. It's such a good line to sum up Jimmy's character in that moment. Luckily, in the real world, I had my friends and family there to catch me when I hit my lowest, even though I'd hurt them so many times. Jimmy probably could've used friends to force him into therapy (cough cough Curly cough cough)
#also I don't mean we're similar in any way when it comes to rape or SA. Please don't twist it that way at all.#I mean like in terms of the jealously resentment revenge hurting others to feel thrilled not taking responsibility not seeing flaws etc#I'm diagnosed with NPD also but pls know my experience will be different from others. We're all different people obvs.#also Jimmy has like wayyyyyyyyyy more things wrong with him not just untreated NPD lol#I would say that untreated NPD is a hell most can't describe#you barely feel anything except rage boredom and jealousy (in my case)#love is a form of ownership and control because you can't really feel it the right way#so your -person- is an object of intense obsession and also a tool for you#if that makes sense? I see that with Jimmy and Curly for sure#You want to tear others down and hurt them because it makes you feel good to put them below you#there's a constant feeling of insecurity and it drives you crazy fr#kind gestures from friends feel insulting#and oh my god achievements made by friends and family in my case feel like I've been shot like I hate when they achieve things#It's not logical obvs but that's something I instantly noticed in Jimmy so i was like .....oh brother lol#and also if they achieve something my brain needs it to somehow be tied to me or I'll make it tied to me so they can be thankful#they should always center their attention on me and if they don't I immediately resent them#these are just some of my thought processes on the matter so I can show the similarities I feel with Jimmy#the KEY DIFFERENCE is all of these thoughts I have are left in my head and not exhibited in my actions (any more. took a long time)#but he is such a nasty human with ZERO introspection that he prob never even thought about treatment#also doesn't help that the hot blonde he's friends with never did anything to help with that#idk sorry for oversharing but ahhh this game is so well written I gotta yap about it lol#also kind of a funny unrelated story to show how weird the achievement thing can be lol#my friends announced they saved up enough to go to Vietnam (their dream trip) and I was happy for them (I really was)#but of course my delusional ass immediately also took it as a threat#and I booked a month long trip to Europe a few days after so I could also announce it LMAO#that is a kind of innocent incident when compared to Jimmy but it just shows how annoying NPD can be#Jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#NPD
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hmmm should i go through all of the dramas and musicals and other dn medias to compare light's wardrobes there as well as from the anime and manga or is that too much work
#i need to see all of light's wardrobe and i was considering doing every character but i think i'll limit it to light and misa#and potentially mello bc he's constantly serving cunt. i dont think L and near have enough outfits to bother w it and the rest#of the kira taskforce wears pretty basic suits the whole time so i will probably not do them#def light and misa though i care abt their taste in fashion the most#i was planning on doing another read through of the manga and marking things down while i'm doing that and just putting the#anime on like 10x speed and pausing for new outfits but if im gonna do extra content that'll probably push this project into being#a longer thing bc originally i was thinking it'd take me maybe a week or two but i've never seen the dramas yet so im probs gonna#want to take my time w those. hm. idk i like have life things to do but i kinda really want to do this#i also want to keep track of the page numbers/timestamps/episodes that certain outfits show up for reasons#and then ig once i have all of my data (light and misa's outfits) i can set up individual timelines for each series and i can sort#them into little categories and i can compare them and i can track their fashion tastes over time yippee!!!!#oh i get so excited thinking abt this i will have the best archive of all of their outfits and i will ofc share my findings bc i feel like#this is very helpful research#it's so funny bc all of this.... is just so i can properly pick out lingerie that i think light would like.......#ajdhkajsjhdjgasjhj
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DnD/Fantasy AU! What would the boys' races be? (Cadence would be human)
Sorry for the wait! I’M GLAD YOU ASKED because I’ve been meaning to draw this forever since I’ve been obsessed with Baldur’s Gate 3 (it basically makes up my DnD knowledge)! I had their race/classes jotted down in my notes for months. Here’s what I came up with, hope you like it!
#band camp boyfriend#mello doodle#tom is a paladin bc he loves to be the hero who saves the day!!#oath of the ancients because being the light spoke to him#also he looks good in green#peter is a half elf bc they are the most attractive don't @ me#HE PLAYS A HORN im salty theres no brass instrument for bard in bg3#he is workin that poofy bard outfit#clark is a seldarine drow...it suits him bc drow are outcast but seldarine are ~different~ and trying to prove themselves#he also likes magic and morally gray characters who could tip between good and evil#sam is a cute cleric who keeps all his buddies healed#idk what his religion is...i need to study up on those#maybe he worships the unicorn religion idk#op monk garth is gonna CUT A BITCH#he prob just gets all these ohkos all day every day#peter dies the most and needs to be revived all the time#he needs to lay off the cutting words#poptart is a cheeky little devil who will lock pick the door to your bedroom and steal your underwear#and he basically just loots everything and keeps winding up encumbered#Doug trying to speak past his teef: Hghfhgfhfhrhrrhhgbhg#I like half orc for him because he would get that second wind of 1hp to help his buddies to the best of his ability#ok im done#was that enough for you
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What do you think Mine’s reaction to Masato / Aoki be like?
tbh they'd probably be. amicable. at the very least.
#snap chats#like they have similar values its just that mine's more openly depressed about his belief system and doesn't take pride in it like aoki#i talked about this before omg thats so funny... but yeah no aoki's more proud of 'how the world is'. prob cause he's 'on top' of it#mine begrudges the fact he needs material goods to be useful to people#meanwhile aoki's happy to exploit others if it means he advances. for the most part anyway#he only really starts to show some regret when confronted by ichi. and get the shit kicked out of him for twenty minutes#wait i was rewatching the cutscene and started to throw up cause i got reminded of me in high school again aoki you're 42 stop this#Back On Track Though. mine and aoki had similar pursuits: attain power to be loved thats the core of it in simple terms#they went about it differently ofc: for mine money was power and for aoki popularity was power. Both Very True TBH but anyway#mine realized that even with money his person wasnt valued#and aoki realized that even with recognition people didn't value his character. sins the arakawas. fcukin dummy#i mean aokis a jackass so no wonder but thats not the point of this. fuckfest of tags#they wouldnt be friends. aoki's incapable of friendship and mine would probably quickly recognize aoki as being power hungry#i think mine's been in enough business meetings And Knows Enough About Politics to recognize Professional Fakerism when he sees it#actually do you think mine'd be swindled by any 'kindness' aoki expressed like when kanda left him and he thought he just went to get help.#that shit was wack LMAO BUT REGARDLESS idk i have to go to class soon so im not gonna spend too much time thinking of this#if they needed to they'd just use each other for whatever purpose they needed the other for. idk why mine would need aoki tho#TLDR mine probably wouldnt think too differently of aoki compared to any other power-hungry freak#we can revisit this topic when. im not learning about JP history vjERJALKJ
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i love taylor but the funniest part about this whole thing with the vault tracks and them carefully curating the vault tracks for the haylor narrative is that this was a two month long obvious PR relationship to break 1D into america but that’s not even the kicker. the kicker is that this was an 18-19 yr old teenager LMFAO like her fans want to turn a blind eye to that
#it’s funny to me bc i knew the 1989 vault tracks would prob center around this bc haylor was 1989’s press and also. haylor brings the most#publicity out of any of the people she’s been seen with BUT#it reminds me of how absurd all of that was back then and experiencing it in real time it’s just. help 💀#grey
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so tired of feeling sick all of the time. I’m in the middle of moving, this time to an upstairs apartment, and just carrying one box up the stairs kills me 😰
#and it’s soooo hot out#moving boxes in 90° heat sucks butts#I seriously feel like I’m going to puke and pass out from just minimal labor#saaaaad#I hate this dang body#I mean.. I blame myself for getting this week. but still.. damn I couldn’t have done a few push ups this year?#all the meds and stuff prob/def?/maybe don’t help#I overheat too easily#I’m actually so glad I didn’t unpack most of my stuff after last year’s move#and I’m staying in the same apartment complex. just a slightly nicer apt. slightly.#but this current one is just… kinda shitty. things break and never get fixed. loud neighbors. etc#new apt is in a smaller newer building. same number of rooms. just… not as broken.#met the new neighbor. he’s younger than me w/ a fiancé and he’s super nice. lots of tattoos. cool cool.#been going through and throwing away and donating a lot of stuff#like… really neat stuff that I just can’t keep anymore or clothes that don’t fit#bummer but I hope someone hits up goodwill and is like ‘oh sweet. a Morrissey shirt.’#that would make me feel good#I offered my younger brother some cool band shirts like AFI and stuff but he was like ‘I don’t know who that is’#RUDE!#I just don’t see myself fitting into a large shirt anytime soon. maybe in a year but not anytime soon enough.#anyway… oh yeah! I feel like shit all the time#just bad body disorder#im workin on it! jeez!#anyway… I just take my handful of pills and hope for the best 🫤#ok gotta go I love you#you can ignore this#text
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I was so excited to eat the Haribo Tropifrutti my dad bought for me today..
#but what would you know turns out my jaw is already fed up with me from eating a big meal at the restaurant earlier today#and chewing sideways is still absolute torture even if biting down itself works for the most part atm#but yeah. fucking pain.. I'd prob rate it a 7 to 8#doesn't help that the numbness is finally starting to wear off a tiny bit again#bc now the tooth I got feeling back in fucking aches all the time. and my face feels itchy there as well.. but still numb#like how it feels when your arm fully fell asleep from all the way up at the shoulder but then you slowly get sensation back#except it's been all numbness since August 1st so the 'reawakening' is maddening#fml I just wanted to enjoy a little treat#a day in the life of..
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Hhrrrgh bbrrark hrrzzzzznn its 3am this time but you can have another one of these
(Some explanations in tags)
@godsofhumanity i did another silly
I should really go to sleep now
#hestia talking with the fire would prob help given shes godess of the hearth and all and persephone just seems like she eould be able to at#least control the fire while frigg i feel would call the firefighters#hera would think of calling the firemen but saw frigg already doing that so she just went back to whatever she was doing#but except for those most of the folks in the U turn area i just feel couldnt be asked and couldnt care less to do anything about it#or just scared/shocked/unsurprised and thinks they can solve it by themselves to help
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#i had hoped this feeling would go away when i went to sleep yesterday#it didnt#i feel horrible#and pathetic#and unsignificant#i understand that you guys owe me nothing#the it is a privilege you even see and interact with my stuff at all#so i should be grateful#yet i cannot help but feel hurt#mostly because the lack of interest mirrors what my gender dysphoria and overall bad self image is telling me rn#my art doesnt matter#so i dont matter#my art is ugly and insignificant#because i am ugly and insignificant#nobody cares about me only what i can provide#and sometimes not even that#this weekend was my most productive in weeks#i actually felt motivated to create create create#but i guess i was too eager#because i feel drained#still i want to draw but i dont know if i feel like it is worth it#singing is prob no good either#i cannot give people a good time there either when my voice is failing me#so what good am i if i cant draw or cant sing#am i worth more than what i can give to people?#part of me says no#and that part is loud rn#what i can give is not good enough anymore#micahs thoughts
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does anyone have any good j-dramas they like?
i'm hoping to actually do the thing and watch japanese media without subtitles to actually practice listening and lip-reading
#i already plan to check out my personal weatherman#i could watch anime but i think lip-reading would help me out more#it's one of the things that's made picking up thai easier (not that i can actually speak thai in any meaningful way but u know what i mean)#altho probs my knowledge of japanese has helped me the most#there are a lot of words in thai that don't translate to english but do to japanese#rum.txt
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I just read black is the color of my true loves hair and I am SCREAMING AND FROTHING
I HAVE TO KNOW HOW HE AND MC MET. IT SOUNDS SO CUTE AND WHOLESOME.
Especially how u preluded it......... turning someone who sleeps around into a soft devoted boy is my favorite meal ♡♡♡
THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST SWEETEST ASK TO WAKE UP TO I’M CRYING THANK YOU FOR READING that fic is my absolute beloved <333
AND AHHHHH DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS THINKING ABT WRITING THE PREQUEL FIC (HOW THEY MET) YESTERDAY??? are you in my brain anon omfg…
JUST BC OF YOU I’LL BE STARTING ON OUTLINING IT SOON! (hopefully i get inspo on actual writing but i have some of the storyline down!) <333
as a lil treat for You my beloved… i’ll give you a smooch <3 also suguru’s tattoo parlor is called uzumaki 🤭 i may show parts of his time sleeping around but i think by the time they met he had his own tattoo parlor? I’M NOT EVEN SURE ANYMORE I HAVE TO REREAD MY OWN FIC NOW TO MAKE SURE NFNFNFNFNFNF 😭 but yes they ARE both so devoted and soft <333 wholesome sometimes but feral little demons in love the other <333
i love you so much thank you for sending me this <3 what a wonderful thing to wake up to :’) ILYSM :D i’ll get started on it soon just for you! <3
(also dear anon idk if you’ll see this but lmk what stuff you want me to put in the fic as a treat for you! if it works well w the story i’ll see what i can do :D)
(a treat for you anon these texts killed me) ^^^ the way their relationship in “black is the color of my true love’s hair” works btw reader is in grey and suguru is in blue 🤭
#asks#anon#lmk if you want it to just be the meetcute or show when they get into a relationship/maybe even smut? idk yet LOL#this goes for anyone who sees this ask/read the fic 😭#i’ve been in such a writing rut!!!!! hopefully if i outline this fic today/tomorrow it’ll help 😭😭😭#the first one is also how fashion designer reader flirts w curator geto#second one is just all my readers to suguru#both are black is the color!reader JDJDJDJDJDJDJ#anyways. love you anon SMOOCHES!!!!! that fic is my fav thing i have wrote (probs cuz it’s the most fleshed out/first official fic hehe)#i’ll get to outlining today if i can :D i didn’t know if anyone would really want the prequel (i was gonna make it anyways but not yet)#BUT NOW :D SOMEONE WANTS IT!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#ilysm i’m so giddy this fic and all the tags/comments on that fic really blossomed my heart :’) ilysm again hehe ����
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smth smth fawn’s self rivalry in the siblings!au
#gideon shut the hell up challenge#bc we keep randomly thinking abt how Absolutely Devastating the museum is in sibs!au it ofc led to#us thinking abt the heartache of having to see river take up the sidestep name#to have (who you think is) some stranger waltz in and just stake a claim on arguably the single most important thing in your life#(read: the sidestep name bc it’s all you have left of ur brothers)#BUT. then we started thinking abt how they Also take up the sidestep name again#and the agonizing self-loathing and Constant Mourning that they go through every time they commit a crime#bc it’s not just their own hero memory who they are corrupting and bastardizing but Their Brothers’……..#fawn in the sibs!au is literally the equivalent of being so broken and bloodied and still dragging yourself onward#bc what other choice do you have?#ALSO !!!! bc we love to discuss fawn treating destroying the exhibition as a self-inflicted funeral.#knowing that in the sibs!au they probs only intended to remove their own self ?? but spare cyrus and river’s??#except then cyrus goes and blows up the fucking museum !!!!!!#I know for a fact they’re too busy helping w evacuations to actually manage to detour and save any of it too#bc they def would’ve considered it. genuinely inconsolable later when ric talks to them abt it.#bc here’s the thing. it may not have happened in actual book canon but I know in my heart he would sit them down and explain that nothing#of the sidestep exhibit could be recovered. which is fine for Just fawn but when u include the brothers ??? absolutely not#angie also is the one who chases fawn off which makes it even more fun bc they Just run from her they don’t super fight#and genuinely…. idk if they could have right then !!!! I think they’d be way too distracted and shocked to manage it#keeping up with the beckers
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ykno i think that only ever being told im physically appealing by drs saying i could be prettier if i did this or that or lost weight or by my mom trying to emphasize how im a pretty GIRL to invalidate my desire to be more masculine most of my life probably affected my ability to feel good about my body
#like genuinely i have not been complimented on my looks for a majority of my life by peers#like ive had friends recently like say im slaying or looking good but like in the face kf yhings it doesnt like do anything i guess like#its what friends do#i had a person j used to be friends comlliment me once about me looking hot and sexy and i started feeling nauseus so i dont know what thats#all about so its like would i even want people tk ckmpliment on looking good? do j need that? how does it work why would i need it#when i dont really desire the types of relationships where being attractive matters#if im in my ideal state of mind i dont even register my body its seperate from me and im just my thoughts so i dktn have to think about#my ohysicality but when i have to register myself i just feel ugly but even more it all just feels wrong to have a body at all and thats#prob where the transness comes in tbh#like i dunno is it better for me to have avoided being told over and over that im worthy becuz im attractice as a woman or is that a symptom#kf me just being ugly that nobody ever commented on my body aside from adults daying how cute and ptetty i am and then my mom telling them#that im actually really smart to help me value my mind over my body becuz she grew up being ugly while also thinking shes stupid#like#like all of this to result in me being ugly no matter what way i cut it and i cant even bring myself to care much about it most of them time#even tho it feels mishapen in my mind as a feeling#its like bad and i look at myself in the mirror and i feel bad i look bad my face is wrong and its like the strongest feeling i feel some#days for those brief seconds i see myself and then j look away and it goes away and im back to having normal bland brain waves#its kinda fucked
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Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0
i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3
#snap chats#SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3#ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i#moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since#BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point#if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of#'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like#like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling#the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly#which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word#like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation#so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor#i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj#yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested#like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out#i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH#but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god#i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was#tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch#and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ#coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror#i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant#if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review#OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do#so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl#god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj#anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading
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