#that website is an experience for sure.
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logging onto spacehey dot com every day trying to figure out if the person whose username is "xXbl00dsp1ll1ng" and whose profile picture is a bleeding anime girl is a 14 year old girl with depression or someone about to post the most horrific images you've ever seen titled "CUTE DOG PHOTOS!!"
#immediately blocking anyone with anything related to guns because i have yet to see someone do that and NOT be an awful person#not clicking on any blogs with mentions of dogs or cats or cute animals because i know for sure its about to be horrific#rereading everyone's entire profile twice to make sure they aren't idolizing murderers before i friend rq them#that website is an experience for sure.#why do they still only have like three mods. thats fucking insane to me#there are REPEATED OFFENDERS who keep getting banned and coming back#those accounts should not be up for more than a minute#they supposedly cant ip ban people cuz of how the website works#ugh#i hope those freaks give up on making new accounts#its sickening#i hope they get help#echoing-thoughts.txt
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it’s so fucking annoying getting recommended blogs and I’m like “oh sweet! a new fun blog to follow that posts ST things and other cool stuff!!” and then I’m immediately hit with the “I hate Billy Hargrove and if you stan him get the fuck off my blog and stop defending him and stop shipping him and stop trying to change canon and if you post anything about him or ship him get the fuck off my blog and LEAVE!!!” bullshit
girl… if a fictional character causes you that much fucking damage I suggest perhaps maybe filtering his name or blacklisting the tags, you don’t gotta straight up throw a fucking fit about it ???
theres plenty of fandoms or ships or characters I don’t like or don’t give a fuck about, and you know what I do? I just filter that shit out and go about my life. do I ever in my life wanna see content about Hamilton or SuperWhoLock or whatever? No!! do I rage about it and tell people to fuck off?? No!! I just block the tags and let people vibe with whatever the fuck they want to. Even in the ST fandom there’s characters and ships I don’t care for, but do I give a single fuck if people post about them? Hell no!! I just block the tags or filter posts that are focused on things I don’t care for.
The features are free and easy to use, AND you don’t have to be a dick about it either!! Like did we forget this is a fictional universe full of fictional characters that is a tv show and not real life??? Did we forget that these characters have no actual impact on basically anything besides the way you choose to let your ideas of them affect you??
I know this is literally just me screaming into the void, and it really means nothing, but all I can think about when I see people get super fucking pissed off and ANTI (insert whatever here) is this:
#like I know it’s hypocritical of me to get mad and post about but also like wtf is wrong with some people#it’s the fucking internet#close your eyes?? log off??#anyways I had to get that out of my brain before I continued to be irritated by it#I’m sure I’ll get some anon hate or unfollowed or whatever but like#it’s a free website with free tools and options to optimize your experience#use those instead of being a dick??#anyways here’s some relevant tags so the people who actually filter tags can successfully filter this post and not see it#just like the features of this website intended#billy hargrove#harringrove#mungrove#billy x steve#billy antis dni#billy stranger things#that should cover it#anyways thanks pals!
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Treatise on why No, the doctor just giving the narrator of Fight Club (full name) his requested sleep medication or sending him to therapy would not have Fixed Him
Firstly, saying giving him the insomnia meds would’ve fixed him ignores the reason he has insomnia in the first place. He is so deeply upset by his place in society that he literally cannot sleep. Drugging him to sleep would not change that. That, of course, is the easy, quick response.
But with regard to therapy? The biggest flaw is that it ignores a central tenet of the book. Part of what tortures the narrator and drives him to invent Tyler is that his feelings about this collective, systemic issue are constantly reduced to a Just Him thing. His seatmates ask what his company is. He’s the only one upset at the office. He gets weird looks if he says the truth of what he does. People will do anything in their power to pretend he is the issue, as an individual, because it is far scarier to consider the full implications of the systemic issues implied by what he is saying. Everyone treats it as if the issue is him, so he goes insane. He does anything to get someone to say, holy shit, that’s fucked up, what you’re a part of is wrong. In an attempt to feel any sort of vague sympathy and catharsis, he goes to support groups to pretend to be dying, because then at least people don’t habitually blame him for his anguish.
Saying therapy would fix him ignores that his problems are not individual. They are collective. It’s the reason the entire story resonates with people! Something deeply, unignorably wrong with society, where people would rather blame you for bringing it up than try and address it, because it feels impossible. I don’t blame people for this, really, because it IS scary. It’s terrifying to sit and feel like you’ve realized there’s something deeply, deeply wrong, but if you say something, people will get mad at you since it’s so baked into everything around you. Or, even if they agree, it’s easier to deal with the dissonance by pretending it’s individual.
And it’s not like that’s not the purpose therapy and medications largely serve, anyway. Getting into dangerous territory for this website, but ultimately, the reason the narrator was seeking medication was because it’s a bandaid. A very numbing bandaid. For these very large, dissonance causing problems, therapy does very little. Medications do what they always have, and distract you with numbness or side effects. It’s a false solution. He is seeking an individualized false solution because he has been browbeaten with the idea that this is an issue with him alone, when it's plainly clear it's not.
Don't get me wrong. Obviously he has something wrong with him. But it's a product of his situation. It is a fictional exaggeration of a very real occurrence of mental illness provoked by deep unconscionable dissonance and anguish. There is a clear correlation between what happens and his mental state and his job and how isolated he is.
The thing is, even if he were chemically numbed, I do think he would’ve lost it regardless. Many people on meds find they don’t fix things. For reasons I’ll get into, but in this case because even if numbed or distracted, once you’ve learned about deep, far reaching corruption in society, it’s very hard to forget. Especially if, in his case, you literally serve as the acting hand of this particular variety. He’s crawling up the walls.
So why do people say this? Well, it's funny I guess. Maybe the first time or whatever. But also, often, they believe it, to a degree. Maybe they've just been told how effective therapy and meds are for mental illness, they believe wholeheartedly in The Disease Model of Mental Illness, maybe they themselves have engaged with either and have considered it successful. Maybe they or someone they know has been 'saved' by such treatments.
But in all honesty.... What therapy can help with is mentality, it's how you approach problems. For issues on a smaller scale, not meaning they are easier to deal with my any degree, but ones that are not raw and direct from deep awareness of corruption; these are things that can be worked through if you get lucky and get an actually good therapist who helps build up your resiliency. But when your issue is concrete, something large and inescapable? It's useless. At best it can help you develop coping mechanisms, but there is a limit for that. There is a point where that fails. To develop the ability to handle something like this requires intense development of a comfort with ambiguity and dissonance and being isolated and a firm positioning of your purpose and values and and belief in wonder and all the other shit I ramble about. The things that the narrator lacks, which lead him to taking an ineffectual death knell anarchist self-destruction path. Therapy, where the narrator is, full of the knowledge of braces melted to seats and all the people that have to allow this to happen? It fails.
And meds — meds are a fucking scam. We know the working mechanism of basically none of them, the serotonin receptor model was made up and paid its way into prominence. We have very little evidence they're any better than placebo, and they come with genuinely horrific side effects. Maybe you got lucky. I did, on some meds. On others? I don't remember 2018. The pharmaceutical industry is also known for rampant medical ghostwriting, and for creating 'off-label' uses for drugs that have gained too many protests in their original use, then creating a cult of use to then have 'grassroots' campaigns for it to be made a label use (ie, legitimize their ghostwritten articles with guided anecdotes).
The DSM itself is basically a marketing segregation plot. It's an attempt to legitimize the disease model by isolating subgroups of symptoms to propose individualized treatments for subgroups that are not necessarily all that separate. But if the groups exist, you can prescribe more and different medications, no? Not to mention, if you use the disease model, you can propose that these diseases are permanent, or permanent until treated, considered more and more severe to offset and justify the horrific side effects of the medications. Do you know why male birth control doesn't really exist? Same reason. They can justify all the horrible side effects for women, because the other option is pregnancy. For men, it's nothing.
And they're not bothering to invent new drugs without side effects. When they invent new drugs it's just because the last one got too bad of a name, or they can enter a new market. Modern drugs don't work any better than gen1 drugs. They still have horrific side effects. At best, the industry will shit out studies saying the old one was flawed (truth) so they can say this new gen will be better (lie). They're doing it with ssris right now.
Fundamentally, the single proposed benefit of any of these drugs is that they numb you. To whatever is torturing you. It's harder to be depressed if you can't feel it, or if you just can't muster the same outrage. Of course, there is people who find that numbness to be helpful, or worth it. But often, it's stasis. For the people who have problems that can be worked on, it serves as a stopgap to not actually work on said problems. The natural outcome of the disease model is stagnation for those whose need is to develop skills and resiliency. It keeps them medicalized and dependent on the idea that they're diseased and incapable. Profitable. Stuck in the womb.
I’ve been there. It’s easier, to wallow, and resist growth because it’s difficult and painful and unfair and cruel and you can think of five billion reasons to justify your languishing. But don’t listen to anyone who tells you you’re just permanently damaged, no matter how nicely they word it, no identity or novel pathologization, no matter how many benefits they promise, especially if they swear up and down some lovely expensive medications with little solid backing and plentiful off-label usage and side effects that’ll kill you. Some days it feels like they want us all stuck in pods, agoraphobic and addicted to the ads they feed us to isolate the markets for the drugs they’ve trained us to beg them to pump us with. Polarization making it as easy as flashing blue light for go, red like for stop, or vice versa. I worry about the kids, for fucks sake. That’s a bit dark and intense, and I apologize. But I want you (generic) to understand, there is a profit motive. Behind everything. And they do not mean well. They do not care about your mental health or your rights or your personhood or your growth. They care about how they can profit off of you.
For those struggling with immovable, society problems, like the narrator grappling with how his job fits into and is accepted by society while his rejection and horror in the face of it does not, it can work about as well as any other drug addiction. Your mileage may vary. From what I've seen, recovering from being on prozac for a long time can be worse than alcohol. They put kids on this shit. They keep campaigning for more. Off label, again. A pharmaceutical company’s favorite thing to do has to be to spread rumors of someone who knows someone who said an off label use of this drug helps with this little understood condition. Or, in the case of mental illness, questionably defined condition. And like, damn, I know I'm posting on the 'medicalization is my identity' website so no one will like all this and has probably stopped reading by now, but yall should be exposed to at least one person who doubts this stuff. Doesn't just trust it. Because I mean, that's the thing right?
It's so big. What would it mean, for this all to be true? Yeah, everyone says pharmaceutical companies are evil and predatory and ghostwriting, but to think about what that really entails. Coming back to the book, everyone knows the car lobby is huge and puts dangerous vehicles through that kill people. What does it mean if the car companies all hire people to calculate the cost of a recall and the cost of lawsuits? No one wants to think about the scale that means for people allowing it or the systems that have to be geared towards money, not safety like they say. Hell, even Chuck misses the beat and has the narrator threaten his boss with the Department of Transportation. And shit, man, if every company is doing this, you think Transportation doesn't know? That they give a fuck? You're better off mailing all the evidence to the news outlets and hoping they only character assassinate you a little bit as they release the news in a way that says it's all the fault of little workers like you, not the whole system. Something something, David McBride, any whistleblower you feel like, etc.
So I don't blame you, if your reaction is "but but but, that can't be right, people wouldn't do it, they wouldn't allow it" or just an overwhelming feeling of dread that pushes you to deny all of this and avoid thinking about it. Just know, that's in the book. That's all the seatmates on the flights. That's all his fellow officemates. It's easier to pretend, I know.
But think about, how the response fits in with the themes of the book. The story, as a movie too. What drives the narrator’s mental breakdown? How would you handle being in his position? How would you handle being his seatmate? It’s easy to say you’d listen. But have you? Have you had any soul wrenching betrayals of how you thought society worked? How about a betrayal by the thing that promised to be the fix of the first? Can you honestly say you wouldn’t follow that gut instinct, saying follow what everyone says, that person must just be crazy, evil, rude, cruel, whatever it is that means you can set what they said aside?
For a lot of people, they can do that, I guess. Set it aside. Reaching that aforementioned state of managing to cope with the dissonance and ambiguity and despair is very hard. The narrator made the Big Realization, but he couldn’t cope. He self-destructed. Even when people don’t make the big realization consciously, they’re already self-destructing. It’s hard to escape it when it feels easier than continuing anyway. When it feels like the only option,
Would therapy fix the narrator of Fight Club? Would meds fix the narrator of Fight Club? No. He knows too much. All meds will do, by the time he’s in the psych ward, is spiritually neuter him. A silly phrase, but really. Take the wind out of his sails.
Is he fixed if he doesn’t try to blow up town? If he just shuts up and settles in and stops costing money? If he still can’t cope with the things he’s unearthed? Do you see how this is a commentary in a commentary in a commentary?
Fight Club is an absolutely fascinating story because of this. The fact that it addresses the fallout of knowing. The isolation. The hopelessness. The spiral that results from a lack of hope. This is, I think, what resonates most with people, even if not consciously. Going insane because you’ve discovered something you wish you could unknow. It’s a classic horror story. Should our society be lovecraftian evil? I don’t think so.
Do I think changing it will be easy? No. Lord knows a lot exists to push people who make these sorts of Realizations towards feelings of individuality and individualized solutions and denial and other distractions and coping methods. And to prevent people who make One realization from expanding on it and considering further ramifications. Fight Club itself gets into this; the isolation of men being a strict part of the role society shapes for their sex leaves them very vulnerable to death fetishes, in a sense, and generally towards self destructive violence. It helps funnel them away from substantial change and towards ineffectual change. Many things, misogyny, racism, serve to keep people isolated from one another, individualized, angry, and impossible to work with. Market segregation; god knows even appealing on those fronts has become such a classic ploy that companies do it now, the US military frames its plundering that way, etc.
I’ve wandered a bit but ultimately, my point is this: Fight Club is a love letter to the horrors of critical thinking, and the importance of not falling into the trap of self destruction and hopelessness in the face of it. The latter is why Tyler was an anarchoterrorist instead of anything useful. The latter is why it was a death cult. It’s important to work through the horrors of critical thinking so you can do it, and stand on the other side ready to believe in each other. It’s worth it.
#fight club#my writing#uh. sorta#If you disagree with me it's fine btw. That's a given for me but I realize that's not usual for this website#my big desire is always to provoke thought and get people to think about why they think things#not necessarily to get them to agree with me. though obviously like any person i enjoy that#it was nice to type this out#also#aside from the prozac withdrawals mention and my own experience w memory loss (hilariously not even the most major of my beefs with the#medical industry! or even just the mental health industry! but its an easy nonoffensive one so#anyway i kept it nonspecific because if you go specific it becomes easier for people to just go 'oh well its That that's the problem and i#dont need to reflect at all on my drug/condition/issue/etc'#which ppl will anyway ofc. but yk#maybe theyll find it easier to ignore without the horrific specific examples but i want to leave it broad because 1. doing research and#going past the first thing you find and confirmation bias stuff is good 4 u#second. it's better imo to leave it more open for people to try and apply it broadly#whew ANYWAY#a bonafide Rant#i shouldve put#anti psychiatry#in the first few tags. i havent really looked on tumblr to see what the community 4 that is like on here because it feels like an oxymoron#on this website#but im sure it probably exists even if its used for smth else#(please change)
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Drew some family portraits to figure out how I want to draw everyone!! I was so brave and basically kept them in canon greyscale even though coloring is my favorite thing in the world 😤
#in stars and time#isat siffrin#isat isabeau#isat mirabelle#isat odile#isat bonnie#silverstarsart#gotta say. no matter what website you're on 5 pics is an awkward amount#i experimented with using tints to bring in a little color without actually inserting color and i think that worked well#i also experimented with using textured brushes to add more visual interest but that worked less well. time-consuming for fairly-#imperceptible results since i also put my usual watercolor textures on top too#woulda been a lot quicker and less frustrating to just do flat colors and a couple extra texture layers!!#oh well i'm sure i've gained useful knowledge from the attempt#anyway i was so nervous about translating SUCH cartoony designs but it ended up less scary than i thought! i forgot i have fun doing that#though the one thing i got stuck on was bonnie's hat. if anyone knows like an irl equivalent PLS show meee i don't understand pillow hat 😭#anyway i'm excited to draw them in more interesting ways now >:333
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genuinely think it's good and healthy to follow at least one person in each of your fandoms who reblogs good gifsets but has just...absolutely dogshit takes on the show, or who ships that ship you despise. keeps things fresh. keeps things grounded. you gotta stay humble
#lauren feels things#fandom#this is mostly a joke post#obviously create the experience on tumblr that yOU want#you are not obligated to do any fucking thing on this website#but like....there are a few people I've been following on my other blog#(my real and anonymous one where I do most of my reblogging/fandom stuff)#and I've been following them for YEARS#or they're mutuals from the fandoms I've written fic for#and they just post the most out of pocket shit#or they ship ships that totally squick me out#or - the most annoying sin of all to me -#they post sanctimonious explanations about how the creators/actors/whatever#really feel THIS way about this particular thing#and all you other fans are wrong#(and like......no they don't. unless that actor or writer has said that#you have no idea they think that. also it doesn't matter what they think.)#but I'm honestly not kidding when I say this makes my personal fandom experience better#bc a) some of these people are just pals I disagree with!#and b) none of them are - like - toxic or anything#there's a certain kind of fandom discourse I do not tolerate#these people are mostly just kind of silly sometimes about stuff#and ultimately harmless#but it helps me understand a fandom better#and the fact that I've been doing it for like a decade now#means that i truly never get offended or hurt or feel any kind of way#when I see a bonkers take on something#bc I'm just like 'oh sure you're wrong but whatever good for you seems like you're having fun'#and sometimes ppl in fandoms take things SO PERSONALLY!#and it's okay that some people who make art you like or amazing gifsets feel differently about the thing you both love
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✨🌸 Taivan Secret Prom - AU 🌙✨
a more zoomed in version below!
A finished commission for @thehellcaster 💕
#yellowjackets#taivan#taissa turner#van palmer#lottie matthews#jackie taylor#shauna shipman#harun art#i’ve had this in my drafts for a couple of days#it was missing that one last look over and making sure tumblr wouldn’t ruin the quality too much but alas#the app version is determined to ruin the viewing experience lmao 😭#if you're viewing this on PC/ the website version of tumblr the quality of the images will be a lot better#but yay this is finally here !!!#it was such a pleasure working with thehellcaster ♥#and being patient w/me chasing down the vision of how taivan prom would possibly happen#can't wait to work with you again!#hopefully in a more timely manner next time (on my side lmao)
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I'm constantly wondering when to set my queued posts.
I've got an art account that i sometimes log onto and queue stuff for, but it doesn't get anywhere near as much engagement as this account does! I was wondering if changing the queue time could help that.
Sorry I don't have a "see results" option! it only lets me have 12 buttons. I'll reblog the poll when it's finished, but if you can't wait to see the current results, please pick a random one to limit artificial data skewing!
also please reblog for a bigger sample size. please please please, this survey is already flawed, at least give me a big sample size so i can get an answer
#i've got followers across multiple timezones so this data might not turn out to be useful#and i cant even answer this question myself... i'm an endless website scroller... the posts that i look at can be days old!#maybe a more conductive experiment would be reposting a piece of art every hour and seeing how it does...#but if i want it to be a GOOD experiment i'd have to run it a lot just to make sure my data's good!#and im gonna be honest that might make me lose followers on my art blog#maybe i could pass it off as some kidna 'regular reminder to change your sitting position' meme or whatever...#shitpost#artists on tumblr#polls#art#digital art
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hey. um. i love him
#O_O i really love him#it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer#by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die#sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day#kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do#using another website just sounds so depressing#im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it#but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation#i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it#and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience#I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it#i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of#the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked#and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons#but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know#in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time#idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what#no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself#and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one
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Thank you for that Fallout post. I'm a trans man living in Texas and i'm ND and legally disabled, i'm home a lot, but i use media and other hobbies to help cope with my issues and struggles and it works well. i'm healthy about it too.
however i come here onto tumblr and i see some of the most vile and inflammatory shit that could very easily trigger or cause distress in someone over video games. and then to be made to feel like i'm somehow the one in the wrong who had hurtful and upsetting things shown and said to me for simply... playing a game and liking a certain character? i just mostly feel intimidated into silence and i largely avoid the fallout community on here because i dont agree with any of that, and also that i'm not allowed to like or even discuss certain character for fear of being told i'm some evil fucked up person when i didn't do anything bad to begin with.
I’m glad it resonated with you and I’m sorry you feel shut out by trying to engage with a piece of media you enjoy. It really is a shame how much puritan culture invading fandom spaces has ostracized people who just use these things as a creative outlet or to stay connected with a community. It shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth trying to have discussions about liking characters who aren’t “Good People”. I know this is an issue that’s been cropping up in a lot of different spaces, but I notice it much more with things like Fallout because a) I just spend more time in the Fallout community and b) there’s virtually no way to ignore the fact that dystopian fiction involves some moral gray area. We’re all just trying to play in a space together and making it into a moral competition cultivates a really isolating, hostile environment.
#there’s a part of me that’s like. almost nostalgic for how fandom spaces used to function#but that might also be based around my personal experiences snd perception of how fandom used to be#anyway tho. wishing you well anon i hope you find people who can play in the space with you without being weird about it#and it does suck feeling like you can’t even mention liking specific characters otherwise it becomes a mark on your tumblr permanent record#I’ve met a lot of people in this community who are cool about it but it’s usually like… done in private conversations or small servers#hard to have public discussions#which it’s so strange to me considering tumblr is notoriously the Villain Liker website#im a little tired so im not sure my thoughts are totally cohesive. hopefully all of that makes sense#asks
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Wanted to see what the feedback on the latest Sims 4 update was so I went to the Sims forum and. They're taking down the 14yo forums at the end of the month apparently?? And replacing them with a really bad almost unusable EA forum thing?? Devastated. I understand that the forums were barely holding on and that the site is old, but the replacement is absolutely not high quality enough for any kind of community, let alone one the size and importance of the Sims community.
#and personally i can't believe it because that's how i got into the game in the first place#reading people's buckwild stories on inadequate forum threads#that was probably one of the worst ways to tell a story and those people did it and did it in a fun way#and it made me want to play the game so so much because they looked like they were having the time of their lives#and it's all going down barely archived in a few days#they're archiving like two years back! for a game a decade old!!#and let's not even mention the sims 3 side#i don't think anyone on this website is going to get my very specific plight because it's such a niche experience#like if i mention names no one was lurking the sims 4 french forum reading about the komcépié legacy in 2015 here#but i was. i sure was and it was my childhood and i hate being confronted with the fact that everything disappears one day#the way there's few conservation efforts for online stuff that was important to a small number of people#anyway. this too shall pass but in a bad way this time. why must it pass.#wow i have a ramble tag now
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I hate that there are entire slices of the internet that are no longer accessible because Flash is dead
#my diary#I have like a memory of these animated music videos that were submitted as part of Gorillaz's Search for a Star contest back in 2004#and I've NEVER seen the two specific videos I'm thinking of anywhere else#and I don't remember who made them#so I tried to see if I could find them again via the wayback machine and sure enough the website doesn't work because of flash#ruffle isn't working (I assume it doesn't work w/ archived web pages)#so basically I'm just fucked because the world is fucked#we talk a big game about how burning the library of alexandria was one of the worst things ever#the library of alexandria is on fire in front of you right now you don't fucking care#internet archive lost 500k items today because of copyright#probably the vast majority of my adolescent internet experience is wiped off the face of the earth#it's so fucking devastating I hate it to death
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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#so im gonna be a lil bitch on main for a minute#ive been offline for a while#pretty much absent from all my socials#im in a pickle financially like i have no money anywhere#my credit cards are maxxed#my bank account is negative 400 dollars#im getting 20 dollars less in disability benefits a month without a clear reason for the witholding#granted its only 20 bucks less but that still makes a huge difference when thats my ONLY source of income#AND i am moving into a new apartment which should be an exciting experience finally moving out of my parents house and on my own and all BUT#even with the voucher program i would need an additional 600 to be able to afford my rent share and utilities#on top of being negative 400 dollars a month so now thats -1000#WHICH end result and the crux of this whole rant#i can no longer help#like i am fucking useless right now and people are literally dying#i have many unanswered asks from gazans right now that I cannot even help bc im so broke#it feels really bad bruv like reallybad#feels like absolute shit#and it ust feels so wrong to ask for help when others need it more#like i dont think i could do that#wtf man#is it me upset that my entire disability check goes to bills to the point where i overdraft every month? yeah sure#my art does not sell and ive tried everything! like it just DOES NOT sell#and it all kinda boils down to me not having any sort of following online#i just breached 200 followers here after 13 years on this website#most are inactive blogs from years ago so i maybe have like... 10 active followers?#whiny usamerican rant over for now#delete later
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genuinely also curious from other ppl who have drawn from live models. whenever i talk about this experience ppl ask me if the models were all attractive and young and in-shape. in my figure drawing class only two of the regular models could somewhat fit that description. most of them were middle-aged or older people of ordinary (but diverse) proportions. like my experience may not be representative but i find it curious that ppl hear about modelling for a drawing class and wonder if that's like a hot 20-something job. it doesn't seem to be lol
#this is ok to reblog btw i wanna start a discussion#text post#reblog bait#life drawing#figure drawing#like i would be willing to bet there's some body discrimination in some places#where they might have a wider selection of ppl willing to work?#i DONT know anything about working as a model or how ppl get into it or do it steadily on the side#it does seem like an interesting gig for sure. not one i'd wanna get into myself but i'd love to hear abt it from someone who does it#or just observations from other ppl who have taken drawing classes w live models#in my experience (admittedly limited) of looking at reference websites of nude figures... some of them are more 'young and hot'#which kinda DOES NOT surprise me. bc they want ppl to BUY permission to use those photos as drawing references#and perhaps ppl are willing to lay down more money for pretty people? idk. or again it could just be a hiring preference by photographers#could be a multitude of factors.#but it's kind of unnecessary bc in order to learn the fundamentals of drawing realistic bodies u gotta draw a lot of them#u have to see different positions and different features and different shapes and overall different ppl#i miss drawing from live models. most of all for the gestural sessions. those were REALLY fun#very satisfying as warm-up exercises. quick and fast-paced and spontaneous. you cant get that at home
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ok ignoring all the discourse about kamala harris this quote is like irrationally funny to me and me only probably. like to understand imagine ur australian and in order to prove that some random candidate is in touch with his australian roots to appeal to you there's an quote from some random famous guy "we spoke in flawless Australian English, "i said g'day mate' and 'thanks cunt' plus we had a scintillating discussion on vegemite" like yes sambar is a staple food but its also like the most surface level one imo. personally id go for rasam which is the blood of any southie.
the one thing ill give her is that this is very "i stopped speaking tamil as soon as i left home and now i sound like a white person whose learned three words out of a phrasebook" core and thats actually quite relatable. its funny to me personally that my grandparents are from the same city (chennai) that kamala harris' mom is from i mean its not rly suprising considering that like 6 million ppl live there but like imagine...maybe my grandma honked at shyamala gopalan on a two-wheeler in the 50s or smth.
note: this quote is from some random article in like 2020, personally i thought kamala harris was half white half black, and then assumed she was half northie so didnt care she was indian (tamil nationalism go brr) but then i found out she was a TAMIZHAR so obv i googled whether she could speak the language and then chanced upon the article which was just titled "i spoke briefly to kamala harris in tamil" or smth. anyway the original tamil isnt offensive only my australian approximation is. kamala auntie அமெரிக்காவை காப்பாற்ற.
#kamala harris#kamala 2024#uh idk that much about her anyway but shes better than trump#anyone whos ever had the humiliating experience of having to talk to your grandmother in the most stilted tamil and having HER switch#to her even worse english out of pity i understand you and i have also run away from salespeople in india so i didnt have to speak to them#us politics#ABCDcore#better than trump speaking hindi which was actually a hate crime#yes i am lwk projecting onto kamala harris here but all those ppl calling her a girlboss are too#im doing it ironically so im special#i know shes more focused on her jamaican heritage anyway and ive seen the majority of posts about that so i felt obligated to ramble a bit#in the spirit of tamil nationalism if she is 1 drop tamil she is namma azhu (forgive me for my atrocious romanization)#i guess it's not really namma bc ive never seen another tamizh person on this website but im sure we exist
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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