#WHICH end result and the crux of this whole rant

[dunmertwink]

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[gothhabiba]

(fountain anon) I guess the best way to say why I dont understand fountain is that I dont understand why people are so angry at it. Because that seems to be the crux of the piece, the negative reaction to it that continues to this day (part of the reason I find it hard to try look into is that it seems like every second result is some rant about how it should never have been made disguised as an actual article). Its like you say that it rubs against their idea of what art is, but I just dont get that. Even is someone dislikes it as a piece I dont understand why someone would say it doesnt get to count as art, which I guess does tie into the AI stuff as well. idk how well I've articulated that but thats one of the main things I dont understand about fountain, where that response seems more important than the art object itself.

Theres smaller things I dont understand which together make a large hole of many smaller questions but I cant list well all of here, like one being if the whole point of the work is that its "readymade" then why do the institutions seem set on preserving that one specific urinal like a holy relic but from your first response it seems like you have thoughts on that yourself.

If what's confusing you is why someone would get so up-in-arms about this, or insist that they get to dictate what counts as "art," then the context that's probably missing is an idea of how powerful the cultural and institutional orthodoxy surrounding "art" was at the beginning of the 20th century.

You could probably analyse that in a few different ways. To me, the crux of the matter is just what I've been pointing out—a capitalist understanding of "value" relies on a concept of "labour hours" and the attendent concept of "exchange value" in a capitalist market—plus, in the U.S., capitalist ideology and Protestant ideology are often entwined with each other insofar as Protestant ideology glorifies work and suffering as essential to moral "worth" or "value."

@auntbutch points out that the matter of who gets to decide what "art" is is a matter of power. In a concrete sense, the (majority of the board of the) Society of Independent Artists had the power to hide the piece during the Grand Central Palace exhibition despite the fact that the artist had paid the requisite fee to have the piece displayed, which constituted a rejection of the idea that the piece could consistute "art."

In a conceptual sense, the idea that there is "art" and there is "non-art"—because it relies on a distinction between the "artistic" and the "everyday"—must therefore rely on an idea of "value" that is conveyed by scarcity (see again: capitalist exchange value). Put another way: if everything is art, nothing is.

In order for art to have "value" (exchange value, moral value, "artistic" value), it must be (in comparison to the numbers of objects in the world) rare; in order for artists to be fundamentally different creatures than the rest of the masses of humanity, they must be rare.

You can ensure that artists remain rare, and that art consumption remains the province of the wealthy, by insisting that the production of "art" requires a good deal of time, and anything which did not require a good deal of time to produce (in addition to time spent learning the skills required to produce it, time spent networking and paying your dues before you are enabled to proceed in the field, &c.) is therefore not "art."

cut for length:

You can also ensure that "art" remains rare by insisting that art must not be useful. The early 20th century is a bit out of period for me, but I know that the concept of "l'art pour l'art" ("art for art's sake") had come into popularity at the end of the 19th century in reaction to a general culture that insisted on the moral value of art and its "purpose" in shaping minds and leading to good, moral habits.*

Where these discourses agreed is that "art" was not held to have physical, quotidian uses: a working-class woman knitting stockings for her family to wear because they could not afford to pay someone else to do it was not an artist, no matter how much time and skill and aesthetic sensibility went into their production; nor were any of the world's Indigenous peoples who were producing e.g. pottery, or ornamenting various other everyday objects.

This is the inherited distinction between "Art" with a capital "A" and a "craft." This keeps women, the working class, and non-Europeans out of "art," because they do not have the time, the distance from the everyday business of the maintenance of life, or supposedly the intellectual capacity to produce "real" art.

So art did not have a physical purpose. Rather, the purpose of art was to "exalt the senses"; to create exquisite sensations in the viewer as a result of the aesthetic skill of the artist. Depending on how overtly moralist a given theorist was, they might say it was to improve upon what had come before and thereby build on our (read: the white races') inheritance of the best impulses and accomplishments of humanity. (Actually Victorian concepts of eugenics had a lot to do with aesthetics—the purpose of art was to advance the (white) race morally, and thus to improve the hereditary material that they passed down when they reproduced.)

Granted, the context in which Duchamp first attempted to display "Fountain" was one in which you had had some heterodoxy of content—cubism, for example, which the Society of Independent Artists did seem to like. But ultimately, though cubism probably angered a lot of people for its loose approach to representation and thus the potential danger it posed to the future of "art" (again, not really my area), it was something that the Society could nevertheless recognise as "art," because it was clearly an object that the artist had spent time creating and that fell into a previously understood medium of "painting" or "sculpture" (not a lot of heterodoxy of form). Despite the fact that the Society's exhibition was supposedly "open," and that they were supposedly an "avant garde" group, it went too far.

The challenge that readymades posed was that they asked people to consider something that was not created but merely chosen and recontextualised by the artist as "art". They affronted the notion that art required time and skill (on the part of the artist) and therefore had a natural inbuilt assurance of scarcity.

But "Fountain" is by far the most famous amongst the series of readymades that Duchamp exhibited, probably because there's something about its being a urinal that is pretty confronting (whether it reads as "gross" or "disrespectful" or what have you). It lacked respect for the effort that "real" artists put in and the art world that circulated and displayed "real" art pieces and the seriousness with which they took their mission to uplift or express or represent humanity or whatever it was that they insisted art must do.

"Fountain" looked at a whole culture of people who deeply felt that they were doing something important to the fate of humanity—and, in some cases, had made careers and money out of creating and stewarding and judging "art" (not just artists but critics and museum directors and curators and the board members of independent societies of artists)—and said "actually, art is a receptable for piss."

You can see this same sort of attitude today very easily by scrolling through a few replies on any of my posts asking people to reconsider their easy equation of "time and effort" to "value" in their evaluation of art. A lot of people (especially people with money on the line) are very affronted by that request, and insist that art's function as something that binds humanity together and creates wonderful feelings in the viewer (sound familiar?) is dependent upon its requiring "effort" to create.

The museums that treat this specific urinal (actually a few approved replicas, the original was lost, my bad) like a holy relic are, in effect, absorbing (neutralising?) the critique that "Fountain" was levieing without 'understanding' it or behaving accordingly. Really, a museum can't 'understand' a critique of this nature or behave accordingly, because the critique cuts at the very concept of what a museum (or an art exhibition, or an art auction, &c. &c.) is for in the first place.

The climate surrounding art (in the circles of the intelligentsia, art students, rich people who want to be 'cultured," various other groups) has changed significantly in the intervening 100+ years since "Fountain" was made, to the extent that "modern art" frequently comes across critiques along the lines of "my kid could have painted that" (from the non-art-educated "public," who don't have the sometimes enormous amount of information needed to contextualise a given piece or movement. So you have a split between different groups' concepts of "art," where for a lot of people today it's still "looks nice and required effort to make," while a lot of the art-educated have moved on).

However, despite the fact that e.g. a readymade may be "easier" and take less time to create, the museums that feature them still rely on scarcity! Because their value proposition is that they collect and curate and display objects of extraordinary artistic or cultural or historical "value." What's inside of them must be different from what's outside of them for them to be worth keeping the lights on and employing staff and paying an entrance fee and accepting government culture grants. It's just that the scarcity may come from different sources (it's a rare artist who has the right connexions to get a piece or an exhibition accepted; it's a rare piece that has caused enough controversy to be historically significant enough to be "worth" displaying).

As far as I'm concerned, museums' accepting "Fountain" into the fold of "real" art by exhibiting it (putting money into storing and moving the original replicas and displaying them, putting the weight of their institutional cachet behind it, &c.) is one of the greatest ironies of the piece. Pinoncelli, who has attacked "Fountain" exhibitions with, on two different occasions, a hammer and his own urine, got much closer to the spirit of it.

*You can probably just about figure what these "moral" habits are: heterosexual marriage, the maintenance of virginity especially in women, adherence to the nuclear family, a sense of emotional "sympathy" for other people as strengthening the body politic, refraining from "indulgence" in drinking and gambling, avoiding miscegenation, &c. &c.

[dylanlila]

I saw your tags and let me tell you, I got the results and yeah it was as expected three mistakes (I didn't obsess over them the whole weekend btw I'm normal), but I got the highest grade in the class and the teacher said that my essay was impressive so it makes up for it!! Anyway how do you not obsess over your grades again?

BUT I aced my math test because I actually enjoyed studying for it. Thank you for listening to my school rants (this makes me feel like luke throwing his usual morning rants at lorelai [you])

In love with the playlist by the way it HITS:

AAAAAAAAAAAA GOOD NEWS!!!!!! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW:

Thank you so much for letting me know how it went, I was worried about you!!!!! I absolutely get the sentiment... We should start a club... (Rory) Gilmore Girls Society. Oohh about obsessing over grades, a hopeful thought I can offer is that I got significantly better at managing the issue and I think that progression started as soon as I made "as long as you're certain that you have in fact learned what needed to be learned, most especially the crux of the subject, you're good" my starting point for well... anything school related. Mistakes are okay!!! (AND GIRL YOUR RESULTS ARE IMPRESSIVE, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THOSE THREE MISTAKES!!!!!) Sometimes it's just not your day, you're human (although. it would also be cool to see a wire under my skin every once in a while... a girl can dream!) And any kind of effort always counts for something, if not immediately then in the long run for sure. + You recognized what you did wrong before receiving the results officially which is good!!! (EXCEPT FOR THE WORRYING PART!!!) That's what I'm talking about, it means you've conquered that topic and that's what's important. Not to mention that academic validation is way better when you don't overwhelm yourself with assumptions regarding how it's all gonna turn out. It also gets you to appreciate the learning process a lot more (even though there's an downside to that as well, I get too immersed in my studies, which I think you can relate to as well chdjdkdkkdkc).

SOOOOOO HAPPY YOU'RE VIBING WITH THE PLAYLIST, sharing music (and knowledge in general) is my favourite activity in the whole world <3 It's also the best medicine I can come up with!!!! And we have a history of doing this, so I thought it would be a good idea to bring back that tradition. I told myself I'd be making one of those for each month and let's hope that idea remains interesting to me until the end of this year at least fjjdkfkdkd.

I missed you IMMENSELY, thanks for being my Luke <333333

[fizzingwizard]

So I’m sure you’re ALL on tenterhooks to find out what I thought of episode 36... the answer is.... LOVED IT!!!! No I really did. If you like Taishiro friendship, this is an essential episode to watch. Doesn’t blow me out of the water, but still just good.

Although Taichi has a big something to do as usual, it’s still very much a Koushirou episode. FREAKING YAY. I have a dozen thoughts about it, and what bugs me the most, of course, is how we needed this episode AGES ago ugh. But we’ve now had two or three episodes in a row that have actually felt like Digimon Adventure, so perhaps all that finger-crossing is working?

They could unravel all that good work in a minute by never addressing it again... or not letting Koushirou show his personality unless it’s his “turn” for an episode from here on... but you know, I will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Pic of the day:

“I don’t like people. But they are occasionally useful.” - 2020 Izumi Koushirou’s life lesson, lmao

*The red strip at the top is about the big earthquake that hit Eastern Japan yesterday. It’s annoying to have it there for the entire episode - usually they only stick around for a couple minutes - but this WAS a large earthquake. It caused many people to lose power. So making sure everyone knows what’s going takes precedence over Sunday morning cartoons. (I’m in Osaka and didn’t even feel it, but my friends in Tokyo prefecture very much did.)

Lots and LOTS of ranting from a rabid Taishiro fan under the cut!

(also I didn’t check for typos so. yeah)

The episode starts right off by assuring us this is a Koushirou episode. We get the trademark Izumi Koushirou floating in the void of space sequence, which is excellent and very encouraging framing.

Koushirou Kenobi: “Use the force, Taichi.”

Taichi: “Use it yourself.”

(the episode in a nutshell)

The initial thing that bugged me - okay, so the kids got separated for the umpteenth time many episodes ago, and since then we’ve stuck to Taichi like barnacles. The only glimpses we’d get of the other kids showed: Yamato running towards something, Koushirou flying towards something while researching the satellite malfunction, Jou in the hot springs, and Mimi at the crystal caves. For Jou and Mimi, I don’t care, because they never tried to move, but Yamato and Koushirou were constantly moving. Yet, in the end, it’s Taichi’s group that catches up with Koushirou, rather than the other way around. It DOES make sense - it seems like Koushirou told them to “meet at the giant gold pillar” because that’s where they needed to be to save the world, so it became the rendezvous point. But it just bugs me because, once again, all the activity is on Taichi’s side. But that’s a minor quibble. The end result is still THIS:

More of the team is together!!! Taichi and Koushirou are together!!! Yaaayy!!!

... the betting pool for how long it will be till the next separation is now open >.>

Poor Komodomon’s long mop dog fur is so dirty. “Fizz his fur always looks like that.” He’s tracking mud everywhere. “Fizz look at his ears his fur is supposed to look that way.” Next episode - everyone gives Komondomon a bath.

So the start of this episode is just a bunch of talking about how dire things are with the satellite situation. I’m not gonna bother translating. Watch the sub when it’s out if you really want to know :P The important thing is, the gold pillar is directly causing the malfunction, no one on Earth can stop the satellite from plummeting to Tokyo, the city is being evacuated, and there are only 20 minutes till impact.

Koushirou has an elaborate plan which Sora adorably sums up as “So, we’re gonna shoot it out of the sky *makes punching motion*”

The crux of Koushirou’s plan hinges on a repeat of how Omegamon saved Tokyo from the missile way back in like, episode 2 or 3. Taichi says, “Yeah, but I barely remember how we did that.” Which is hilarious because I don’t remember either because it was 30 EPISODES AGO. Once again this episode feels like it was meant to happen WAY EARLIER THAN IT DID. It’s just weird to be referencing something that happened 30 episodes ago after everything else that’s happened, AND on top of that, there are many references in this episode and none from later than like, episode 10 or 12. Making this all seem very oddly timed.

I’m not quite sure if, within the story itself, it matters that Taichi “doesn’t remember well.” He also doesn’t remember the Devimon battle where he and Agumon were infected with dark energy. That one makes sense for him not to remember. If that hadn’t happened, I would just take his “I don’t remember how we stopped the missile” to just mean it was so long ago. But together, it’s making me wonder if something else is going on.

Or maybe Taichi’s just been hit on the head one too many times (okay, that seems the most likely of all, haha)

People of Tokyo: Is it Godzilla again? I heard he’s itching to fight King Kong. You know, given how often our city is attacked by kaiju, some might wonder why we haven’t moved away by now. But home is home, ya know?

The group sets up to fly to the peak of the gold pillar. Obviously, without Yamato, there’s no Omegamon. No one points this out, but Koushirou seems very stressed with his plan, and it seems that he contacted Taichi in the first place because he thought “Taichi’s the one who can pull this off.”

After hearing the plan, Taichi shoots him through the heart with another “Koushirou, you’re so awesome!” and YAY I MISSED THIS SO MUCH!!!!!! *sobs*

Then he does his best to reassure Koushirou by remaining positive and determined that they can and will do this no matter how much Koushirou waves. The majority of the episode is them flying up the pillar while being assaulted by enemies trying to stop them, so it’s not like they get to talk about their feelings (lol). But at least we get a bunch of close ups of Koushirou’s and Taichi’s expressions, and that’s how we see this dynamic in play. Yes, Koushirou is the brainy one who made the plan, but he doesn’t have the confidence to take the lead, so he handed the reins to Taichi. As for Taichi - yes he has the confidence, yes he can do it... but he also has absolute faith in Koushirou. So that’s why this episode makes my little Koushirou fanatic heart skip a beat.

First of the enemies is this guy, aptly named BladeKuwagamon.

They’re actually pretty scary! They do real damage. (Blood in Digimon word is glowy unicorn-like stuff haha). Birdramon gets stabbed, but before Sora can get too upset, she just yanks the blade out of her chest...

... and then crushes it into dust with her beak.

Sora: Holy crap, my partner is metal AF.

Forgot to mention earlier but 5 whole minutes of the 20 minute countdown are used up just by digivolving apparently xD Taichi keeps asking Koushirou “how much time is left” and Koushirou’s panic grows more visible with each passing second...

MetaLiffeKuwagemon looks cooler than he is. Supposedly he’s there to bring out the big guns, but to be honest...

... the BladeKuwagamon don’t seem to need the help :P The enemy’s strategy is obvious: isolate each member of the team to prevent anyone from getting to the top. This is why Koushirou’s so stressed: he’s got a plan that is totally reliant on there being a leader strong enough to pull it off AND there being enough backup to protect that leader from the large number of enemies. And Koushirou doesn’t like these odds.

Garudamon gets stabbed AGAIN

Sora: Go on, we’ll be fine.

Taichi: Are you sure??

Garudamon: *DESTROYS EVERYTHING WITH FIRE*

I MEAN HONESTLY! Garudamon is not only my favorite of Piyomon’s evolutions, it’s pretty much my favorite Adventure evolution. Always has been since I was 11 years old. And she (and Sora) NEVER get that credit. Like. Growing up, with US dub Adventure, I interpreted Sora as more of a straight up tomboy than she is in the original. That’s okay, that’s whatever, but what was most important to me was that I saw her as the third “strong” member along with Taichi and Yamato. Those two were clearly in a class above her, but I saw her as being in the same “Taiorato” league. Garudamon seemed to prove that: she was so cool, so powerful, and... yeah, I just always thought she had so much potential to be awesome and never got why it wasn’t used. That’s also why I was disappointed in Tri - like, I liked Soushitsu, but I just wanted more from Sora’s arc. Same thing in Kizuna: I understand Sora’s arc, I don’t hate it or anything - I think it makes sense for her. But since I wanted something different for her all those years ago, it just left me feeling a bit flat.

but enough about other Digimon series :P Garudamon gets to be super cool here and I only hope we get to see more of it in this reboot. I’ll forgive it some of its other mistakes if we do :D

With Takeru/Hikari and Sora isolated by the BladeKuwagamon, it’s up to Taichi and Koushirou alone to race against the clock! Their teeth are clenched, sweat runs in rivulets down their skin, their hearts are pounding in desperation...

Koushirou: Taichi-san! If we don’t get to the top soon it’ll be too late!

Taichi: Just don’t call me late for dinner!

Koushirou: ASDFGHJKL;’ DAD JOKES NOW?? REALLY????????

MetaLiffeKuwagamon makes life that much harder by knocking them against the pillar. However, this is a pillar of data, which enabled the BladeKuwagamon to evolve into MetaLiffeKuwagamon in the first place. Bugs aren’t that bright.

Taichi and MetalGreymon are nearly submerged inside the pillar as a result, and then we get this sequence of red and black. The pillar had been emitting dark lightning, so I started to think... omg... is MetalGreymon gonna get a Dark Evolution???????

.... Nah. That would have made sense, but.... nah :P

Overall I’m glad though, because that would really have turned this into a Taichi episode instead of a Koushirou one.

I’m not personally certain what the point of bringing BlitzGreymon out was. I had figured he would be like, a super fast evolution that would enable them to make it to the top. That would also have turned this into a Taichi episode. But...

... Taichi tells Koushirou that he will have to go divert the satellite because Taichi has to deal with MetaLiffeKuwagamon.

I was both really pleased and really surprised. Because, again, now what’s the point of BlitzGreymon...? Why did we need a new Agumon evolution? There’s no particular reason why they couldn’t have just isolated Taichi with the enemy the same way the others were and had him tell Koushirou to keep going on his own then. They did do that, but first they gave him a new evolution. Why? Just because it’s cool?? I assume that must be the reason but we don’t even see BlitzGreymon fight xD It’s... it’s weird. But whatever.

Taichi: Go, Koushirou!!!!! You can do it!!!!!

Fiz: *dies a thousand brilliant deaths*

So, Koushirou tells Taichi that he can’t do it - he can support Taichi, but he can’t take the lead. Taichi’s just like that’s wack, dude, of course you can do it. What I LOVE about Taichi and Koushirou’s dynamic is just that: Taichi never sees Koushirou as a weakling. The fact that he’s small, or that he’s brains over brawn, or even that he’s kinda antisocial - those are all reasons an energetic, extroverted kid like Taichi might bully, or at least think poorly, of Koushirou.

But Taichi values Koushirou. He knows how hard he works and is impressed both by that hard work and his talent. What’s more, he doesn’t see Koushirou’s brains as his support system. The whole time Koushirou’s thinking he’s there to support Taichi with his plan, Taichi was thinking, “I’m here to support Koushirou’s plan.” That is SO, SO important. And that’s why I LOVE this episode. The one thing the reboot seemed to really understand, that hooked me from the start, was the way it just GOT Taichi and Koushirou. They each support and follow each other, while each feeling like the other is better than them. Ugh I could like, cry over Taishiro now... omg....

Taichi is successful in pushing Koushirou to go on, but of course Koushirou himself is still plagued with doubts. He reflects on how he’s always been fine being alone. He hasn’t particularly wanted friends and didn’t mind not having them, even though adults worried.

(Side note: this is a normal, if kinda rare, personality trait. I have it too. I always score Koushirou on “what Digimon character are you?” tests too lmao. Just like some people feel the need to be surrounded by others at all times, there are those whose social needs are very very low. I’m one of them. There’s nothing wrong with it except that even those people can get lonely and it’s easy to misunderstand them as shy or snobby. So what I love about Koushirou is, yes he learns to value his relationships more, but also learns to value himself. He is Koushirou: a brainy kid who’s happy on his own, but also happy with friends. While some people, like Mimi, struggle with that aspect of his personality, others, like Taichi, just accept it. To me that’s the best life lesson there is: there are always people who can and will be friends with you. Yes, I’ve lost friends because I just wasn’t social enough for them. But I have other friends who I’ve known for literal decades now. And I REALLY love those friends.)

Koushirou feels grateful that he has AlturKabuterimon, and also that he has Taichi. So... here he is, reflecting on the last time he had meaningful interaction with that great friend Taichi... back in episode three. -____________-

Seriously, this would mean a lot more if this dynamic had been built on continually until this episode...

Koushirou then briefly reflects on each of the other Chosen. Notably, every single solo image of them is from an episode that Koushirou either wasn’t in or wasn’t with them at the moment. Then we get this group image. It’s from EPISODE 12. (I’m actually not sure of the episode number but the point is, it’s from A LONG LONG TIME AGO. I think it’s the swamp episode??) That drives me NUTS. We shouldn’t have to reach soooo far back to find meaningful moments!!! Urk.

Koushirou makes it to the peak of the pillar and AlturKabuterimon attacks the satellite to drive it off course. We see the impression of what looks to be HerculesKabuterimon and I really thought we’d get an evolution - it seemed way more appropriate than freaking BlitzGreymon - but nope.

Oh well. Koushirou still saves the day. The people at home get to see the Crest of Knowledge take over their screens, hopefully giving rise to the idea that a nerd superhero is protecting them. Koushirou is the hero we deserve.

The satellite falls into the water. I was like, shouldn’t that cause a tsunami lol?

... be careful what you wish for >_>;

fortunately people were evacuated soooo things will be okay.

He did it!! He’s so happy! AlturKabuterimon’s triumphant holler is adorable.

Taichi and BlitzGreymon fought hard OFF SCREEN!! OFF SCREEN!! HIP HIP HOORAY! And then we get to see him leaning on Sora T_T could this episode give me any more perfect moments?? Looooove it

So yeah, if you can’t tell, I’m thrilled with this episode. There are just a couple things I would have liked to improve: better animation, at least one palpable heart to heart between Taichi and Koushirou, or just a bit more time spent explictly in Koushirou’s head - but honestly we got something that is pretty darn good, especially for this reboot. I hope we do get more like this, both for Koushirou and for the others. I hope the growth here isn’t forgotten moving forward. I really, REALLY want to see more of that “I lead, you support me - you lead, I support you” mutually beneficial relationship that is the foundation of Taishiro <3

So next week! Mimi’s back and the heads are gonna roll!

Lmao!

My theory that she’s finding crystals to make Crests seems unlikely to be the case now that we know the rocks constract the rock Digimon. But... hey, we’ll find out next week.

Also Taichi’s gonna make this face after talking with Mimi bahahahaha. I can’t wait.

[ailuronymy]

Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 37-45 overview.

Two highly professional gravediggers observe the job ahead of them:

“I'd like to congratulate us both on finishing this godawful book! A whole super edition in five weeks. They said it couldn't be done, but we showed them. “ - S

“Yes! It's truly miraculous that our brains are intact still.” - K

“So glad it's over, though.” - S

“Should I grab the shovel?” - K

“Yes, it's time. Let's bury this corpse.” - S

In this final week of reading Tallstar’s Revenge, we will be thinking about these final nine questions. Well done for making it this far! We hope you’ve enjoyed the ride. 

When you’re ready, consider sharing your thoughts with #ailuronymy book club and see what other readers are thinking!

1. First impressions?

K: It's bad! It's bad. It's all bad and I'm not surprised by any of it. K: I was actually expecting there to be more bullshit in the end, but I was almost... let down? By how underwhelming it was? S: Some moments surprised me a little but like... these did not spark joy. K: It was so boring. S: I have that same note: huge anticlimactic fuckery at the end. K:  If you're going to torture me, you might as well make it interesting, Erin. K: Throw in a wild plot twist or something. K: Get me going. K: Make me feel alive.

2. How did you feel reading this section? K:  Mind numb, head empty. For like, at least three chapters I read them and then failed to register anything important for the notes. It just dragged on. S:  More bored than I expected to be! I thought it'd at least ramp up a little, but it very much did not in any meaningful way and really petered out with a sad little "wuh-wuh."

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why? K: Chapter Forty, seeing all of the clanmates that I'd been missing for half the book felt so satisfying. I missed Dawnstripe, Heatherstar, Barkface, and Hopkit all so much. The only good bit. S:  I feel that. S:  For me, I think in terms of sheer pleasure, it has to be the echoes I saw from turn to dust all that I adore in Talltail swimming in a time of crisis. K: Yes! S: It made that passage I wrote feel retroactively so much more intense and significant, which I love.

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

K:  The final chapter, Chapter Forty-Seven. That leader ceremony was so bad and I hated all of it. K: The Shadowclan battle was also mind-numbing. S: I think it's got to be the jump from first apprentice to leader ceremony. That's so much life we don't see, which given how goddamn long the book took for the rest of his very boring life is a travesty. S:  I tend to take some umbrage with Starclan whenever it shows up in canon, but in this particular case, the way that his leader ceremony is handled--especially by Palebird and Sandgorse--is horrific. S:  I also think it's appalling that Sandgorse offers a life of forgiveness, but never once asks for it from Talltail, unless I'm mistaken? S: He thinks he can embody forgiveness, but doesn't have the humility to admit to the things that he had done wrong by Talltail. Egregious.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? S:  I think for me, this is Sandgorse's everything in the leader ceremony. I think I'll just [my whole rant just now + thoughts on forgiveness]. K:  I had two specific quotes from this go that fit I think. K:  First was: "I guess Clan cats aren’t used to leaving home.” Jake sounded amused. “I know the feeling you’re having. The nagging pain, the tug in my pelt and paws? I get that whenever I’m away from my home too long.” “Really?” Talltail blinked. “Why?” “Every creature needs to belong somewhere,” Jake told him. “Your paws know where that is, even if you don’t.” K:  Just the phrase of "Every creature needs to belong somewhere" felt so genuine and sweet coming from Jake, and I think could have felt so much more impactful if the themes we've recognized were more evident in the story. K:  The second was: “Talltail!” Dawnstripe leaped from the Meeting Hollow. “You came back!” Delight lit up her eyes. Talltail stood still as she raced to meet him. “I couldn’t stay away.” She stopped in front of him and gazed warmly into his eyes. “Then my training wasn’t wasted.” “It was never wasted,” he meowed softly. “Not once.

S: YES K: Partially because I will always be soft for Dawnstripe, but also, the genuine tenderness between her and Talltail in this moment felt so real and so earned. K: This is what I wanted from Bluestar and Stonepelt. S: I've said it before, I'll say it again: mentor+apprentice relationships For Life. K: Talltail saying that his training with Dawnstripe was never wasted, and then immediately transitioning into him encouraging and being a positive role model for Deadkit? K:  Ugh. It's so good. S: Loved it.

6. What other non-Warriors (or Erin Hunter affiliated) books does this one remind you of? Are there themes, symbolism, or storybeats in this novel that made you think of other stories as you read it?

K:  Oh, great question. K:  Oh shit, you know what. S: Hit me. K: We've got a Book Club classic coming at you. K: The Knife of Never Letting Go, by our mutual bastard Patrick Ness. S: You know, I was thinking about More Than This. But mostly because of how much I hated it. K: TKNLG's big theme revolves around like, what murder does to you and what it feels like to do an unspeakable act that you can't retract or replace. Revenge and anger become a part of you and you've got to deal with that. K:  And it's been ages since I read it, but I feel like that makes a lot of sense for this book. Todd and Talltail both spend a book with things being taken from them and wrongs being done to them, and it makes them so angry and hurt and desperate that eventually they go "Okay, yeah, murder would be a solution here." And when it comes down to it they both get to make that choice, of what they want to put out into the world and what kind of man they want to be. S:  I like that. I haven't read it myself, but I can definitely see how those themes talk to one another. S: I don't think there's a particular story I can pinpoint that is similar to this one, but I can think of stories that echo what I'd like this story to have leaned into more. S: Being about forgiveness and family trauma, it reminds me both of The Goblin Emperor and also the How To Train Your Dragon films? Especially the first film, I think. That whole undercurrent of absent mother, disdainful and frustrated father, queer-coded and different kid feels very present in Tallstar's Revenge. S: However, I think HTTYD does that a lot better than this book, by a considerable length.

7. Did this novel (or the experience of reading it) change your perspective on anything, either within the world of Warriors or outside it? What do you think about differently now?

 K: Hm. I think it's certainly limited my excitement on reading any future Super Editions books. They all seem to be just the same garbage plot wrapped with slightly different bows, and that's both disappointing and relieving. S: I feel you on that. S: I think for me, the single biggest shift is that it's changed how I think of Tallstar. For me, he was probably my favourite leader--or one of my favourites--growing up reading the books, and he came across often as wise and relaxed, and then made that final defining mistake. S: Having come back and read this, I feel that the book stripped a lot from the character in a way that wasn't constructive. I don't feel like I know him better, but I do feel like I respect him less. And I think that's a monumental failure of a prequel. K: Tallstar had such a specific presence in the original series, and this book just really takes a lot of that away and replaces it with something worse. S: It does. And that's disheartening to me. S:  Of course I can and will kill the author myself and take my place on the throne of canon, but you can't unknow details of a character. So that does change things. I don't have the same fondness for Talltail, now that I know he spent so much time being unadmirable and stupid and boring. S:  I recognise that your twenties is like that for most people, but like. Doesn't mean it's worthy of a narrative. S:  Kind of makes me think of Albus Dumbledore, to swing back around to Joke Rowling? S: Like, despite and sometimes because of how phenomenally jank and flawed that magnificent man is, I love Albus Dumbledore. I always have, ever since I was first listening to the tapes. And part of that is knowing his past--knowing that he struggled figuring out what was right, knowing that he fell in love very young with someone whose ideology became incompatible with his core beliefs and virtues. But I think you can allude to past mistakes and show growth without having to delve into it, if that makes sense. S: If I read about teen Dumbledore being like "hmm maybe wizard supremacy is good" for several chapters, there's a strong possibility that would stain all my readings of him into the future. I can know he did something, without needing a front-row seat. K: Yeah. S: And I feel like the crux failure of Erin Hunter's super editions is they don't have the delicacy or sense needed to know what needs to be told and what needs to be shown. S: Because sometimes, showing is worse. K: Being shown like, all of this, was worse than not. S: Nearly all of this book could have been summary.

8. Last week, we talked about predicted endings for the novel. In light of that, how do you feel about the ending? Was your prediction correct–and do you feel that reflects well on the narrative, or poorly? (i.e., is it good that you could guess, or are you disappointed by the result?) How important is it for an ending to be “unguessable”?

K:  We hit the nail on the head and I am not surprised at all. S:  I would say we were basically correct, but it brought me no joy. K:  Yeah, it felt bad to read and go "I already knew this but sure, disappoint me with what you have to say." S: That's not to say I would have been overjoyed if there had been some bizarre twist, because I don't think twists or shock endings are inherently good storytelling. K:  They're not. They've gotta be handled well to make me feel like, "Fuck yes, this is wack and I want more" K:  And like, you can predict an ending and still have it be satisfying! K:  That's just called successful foreshadowing. K:  But what we did was like. Just have the sad, knowledgable wherewithal to know exactly what kind of inane and soulless bullshit Erin would pull. It's not foreshadowing if it's just "you're a bad writer and you're going to reach for the easiest tropes to tie up your story without any thought about what makes it good" S: As a general rule, I think you should be able to predict endings based on the tone and emotional themes of the story. For instance, a story that starts with someone getting thrown out of their house by their unloving family should, ideally, rectify that by ending with that person having either found a new loving family and/or revenging on the previous bad family. Sometimes both! S: If you're going to start an arc, you should finish it in a satisfying place. If you start with a murder being discovered, you should have a denouement at the end. S: So... I guess Erin Hunter's ending is... fine, in that light? S: Their narrative is honestly very muddled, so it's not super easy to actually see what the through-line of the story is. The story starts with a prophecy about Talltail leaving, so really it should end with his triumphant, enlightened return... but then it keeps going. K: It just drags on and so much of it feels weightless. S:  It feels like they're juggling a lot of themes and ideas, but they're not really doing any of it well enough to be impressive. While I'm reading, there's always this deep uncomfortable sense of anything could be dropped at any minute. A good performer of any kind makes you feel safe in their hands, not lowkey on edge. S: It's like watching amateur stand-up.

9. In your opinion, what is the most important moment or event in this final chunk of story, and why?

 K:  I guess the cliche answer would be to say "Tallstar choosing to return to Windclan", but like. I think that really is the most important part of all this. S:  I think it's actually choosing not to kill Sparrow. K:  Oh, I mean. Okay that's fair lmao S:  Because I think he probably could have gone back after he killed Sparrow and everyone still would have been basically fine about it. It didn't seem like anyone cared enough to try to stop him leaving, and frankly the clans as Erin Hunter writes them are mad blasé about murder. S:  But I think in order for Talltail to retain like, some moral worth as a character, it was vital (if super inevitable) for him to not kill Sparrow. K:  Absolutely. K:  Can you imagine if he had, though. K:  Like, if he'd pushed Sparrow off the ledge and went "sick" and then Sandgorse's ghost showed up to razz him with airhorns like 'YOU IDIOT SON, THAT WAS THE WRONG CHOICE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DISAPPOINT ME AGAIN' S: Om.  S:  [that one video of the guy screaming above the mountains] S:  That's Starclan whenever the living make a bad decision.

Bonus question: choose a different character from Tallstar’s Revenge and briefly imagine what this story would be if they were the protagonist instead.

K: Hm. I'm torn. Barkface, or maybe Reena, would be interesting to me. S:  I think Reena's experience would be super interesting. K:  I think you could tell a really interesting narrative with her. S:  I'm sort of thinking Shrewclaw? Like, he's such a dick and there's very little about him that's redeemable, but like. This is also true of Talltail for a lot of the book. S: And I guess an external clan perspective of Talltail from someone who actively dislikes him could be kind of interesting! It'd definitely be a totally new counterpoint. K:  Yeah! Especially given that they end up kind of being... foils? A little? I think it could be super neat to like, see Shrewclaw reprimand Talltail for being so focused on revenge, and then suddenly becoming revenge-minded himself and then having to grapple with that hypocrisy. K:  Either by going "My feelings are different, I'm not like you," or going "oh shit oh fuck we're the same and now i feel all sorts of ways about it" S:  I think the low-hanging fruit for why Shrewclaw is such a prick to Talltail is just plain homophobia, you know? But that's so boring, so I'd definitely want to tap into like, the inner world of Shrewclaw and swing it a different way. S: See Talltail through his eyes, emphasising everything Shrewclaw doesn't like about himself. Which becomes so tasty when you later think about Mudclaw doing something similar. S:  Shrewclaw has to grow from hate and jealousy to grudging respect and kinship within the clan, and then Mudclaw grows from outright respect to total adoration. It's an interesting intergenerational trajectory.

Final notes.

S: God, can we rewind a moment to the whole Sparrow bullshit. K:  Oh 100%. S:  Talltail obsesses over this for like, at least twenty chapters. And then two lines of dialogue and he's like, "I'm cured, my dad was a hero the whole time." S:  “It’s what Sandgorse would do.” Now that the rage had gone, Talltail wondered how he could ever have thought of killing Sparrow. Had grief taken away all his faith in the warrior code?” MY rage is still right here. K:  Literally one of my notes is: K:  Talltail straight up telling him he’s here to kill him like a coward. Like not that I WANT him to be a murderer, but god damn, just do it! K:  If you're gonna spend an entire fucking book yelling about how badly you wanna kill a guy then just! Don't make me wait this goddamn long! Do it!! K:  And yeah, just. Redeeming Sandgorse. BLeughghelfuf

S:  Okay, another point of rage: Talltail literally dissolves the goodwill between the travellers and the clan. K:  Y E A H S:  Like, years of peaceful gathering, destroyed. S:  Note: "This dude literally just ended years of peace over his petty revenge quest" K:  I do find it hilarious though that Talltail goes "Hey we should leave," Reena goes "Hm?? No you dont?" and then Sparrow comes in with the most uncomfortable, exhausted expression saying "No He's Right They Really Should Be Going And Should Never Come Back Thanks," S: I'm also so pissed that when Talltail showed up, the travellers were like, “Warriors and kittypets don’t belong with rogues” AND YET you stay for a whole month or more in clan territory? What ripe fuckery is this. K: YEAH IT MADE NO SENSE S: Everyone's just ambiguously racist enough to use it as an excuse whenever they don't want to do something.

S: Also: we called it re: Reena, although the story was actually less obnoxious than I was expecting. S: “There was sympathy in the she-cat’s mew, and Talltail suddenly wondered if Reena had been hoping that Talltail would be her mate: that they’d have kits and travel together. Had she started to imagine a whole new life ahead of them?” Ew.  K:  i was gonna say K:  We really did call it. S: Way to project, Talltail. S: "I guess she's in love with me and I'm breaking her heart by leaving because of the elaborate future she's imagined of our strong, brave kits and--" calm down, boy, she didn't say any of that. K: Yeah, like. Keep it inside, buddy.   K:  There was a lot of very wild Jake/Talltail shit going on but I'm going to drop this from my notes first before dipping into the bits I did like: K: Jake saying “oh that drive to kill wasn’t REALLY you” is VERY “what if I date this unhinged maniac man so I can change him and make him better because I know who he is deep down” and that is VERY unsexy of you, Erins, K:  Jake... my boy.... S: Yeah.  S:  I'm just going to keep pointing at the advice I gave him in previous Book Clubs. Respect yourself, king. K:  I did briefly look at the disastrous mini-comic at the end of the PDF and I do love that he's canonically a chubby king, though. S:  We do love that. A cuddly boy. K:  He's shaped like a friend! S:  But yeah, if these cats were people, Talltail is some skinny closeted runaway with some serious esteem issues and a kind of volatile and disrespectful pattern of behaviour. S:  And Jake is the cute bi boy next door with a supportive dad with apparently a solid sense of self and value, and I find that kind of a jank combination? It feels like it'll either lend itself to basically "adopt a stray" style "fixing" someone else, which isn't a great relationship dynamic, or Talltail dragging Jake into his mess and drama. And it's just difficult for me to imagine what Jake sees in Talltail. S:  If the relationship was just a bit more balanced--Talltail bringing something of value to Jake beyond "adventure"--I could believe it more. K:  Meanwhile, if Talltail retained his "soft, shy poet boy who's just looking for a place to be accepted and flourish" attitude... S: YES 

S:  I got so mad when Talltail's like, "I'm going to kill a guy," and Jake was like, "you can't!" and Talltail's like, "if I was back home, I would have probably already killed by someone by now," and Jake's like, "yeah but that's different, warriors killing each other for Survival is fine." K:  IT ISN'T S: And I'm like, whoa, slow down, I want to talk philosophy right here right now. S: It's a genuinely fascinating conversation that I want canon to have a lot more, but they just... glance over it.

S:  Pivot for a moment to the gay part of Jake/Talltail: I was surprised by exactly how heavily they implied it. K:  Me too!!! S:  I thought it'd be a lot less than there was, and a lot more oblique. So that was a pleasant (? is any part of this pleasant?) surprise. K:  And in the final comic they say that Tallstar sees Firestar like the son he would have had (with Jake).  Which. Is gay. S:  Mad huge gay, for sure. K:  Their final "oh, what if I stay with you!" parting scene was wild to read. And on Tallstar specifying that Jake is someone he loves at the very end. Like hot damn S:  But I Lost My Whole Mind. Because of one line. I read it and involuntarily galaxy-brained with the power of song. I can't find the full quote right now BUT it was basically Talltail and Jake talking right before Talltail leaves to return to the clan. S: And Jake's like, "you know what you have to do. Listen to your heart.” K: YES S: And I was HIT BY A TRUCK S: by this song S: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCC_b5WHLX0 K:  OH FUCK YES S:  Which honestly is so good, and also hilarious, because I have fond gay memories of this song from my teen years. S:  So I know we were saying the very long slow lame end was boring and anticlimactic, but there were a few things that did in fact spark joy.  One was--despite his name and the rampant ableism--Deadkit. K:  YES K:  I have in my notes: K: "I would die for Deadkit." and then "Apparently Deadkit would die for me" S: Hopkit sat up straight, quivering with effort. “Still as a stone, right you are!” he mewed. “Barkface, carry on!” Bless. S: MY SON S: MY BOY K;  And Talltail finally being like? Not an asshole, and treating him well and encouraging him.  He really did feel like he was emulating Dawnstripe in a wholesome way. S:  I KNOW. S:  It honestly made me feel so good about the story I've planned out, but I can talk about that after. S: I also loved that Talltail swam. <3 K: Yes.  S: I was there just elated, thinking about Mudclaw's final moments. And how this story actually ties in so well with that one. That's nothing really to do with Erin Hunter, but it was nice for me. It made the two feel resonant and in conversation with each other in a way I truly hadn't expected. K:  Oh fuck also, two extra from the notes K:  "Talltail’s heart began to race. “I can’t go home!” He stared in panic at Jake. “They won’t want me! I broke the warrior code when I left my Clan. They’ll drive me away again!” — On the one hand: I understand that his fear of being driven away/not being accepted stems from like, 90% of the interactions in this book. But also: THEY LET YOU LEAVE, everyone agreed! Nobody drove you out!" S: Talltail: "I'll go if I must, I understand, you need me to leave--" The rest of the clan: "uhh dude you said you wanted to go." S: Makes me think of people who get really pissed when they're like "I said I'm fine, why didn't you ask me more about how I was feeling because I was clearly Not Fine and Lying to you." S:  And it's like... I trusted you to tell me the truth. Don't play stupid games. K: Yeah! Like, if you want to be consoled or helped, be honest! I can't read your mind!

S: Palebird is just a full on mess in this book, huh? And it's really unsatisfactorily handled.  S: Sandgorse gets obsessed over for... the entire book. Palebird, equally bad parent, doesn't really get any kind of meaningful resolution with Talltail. K:  I misread when Talltail first brings the kids into camp, and fully thought that Palebird recognized Talltail and chose to ignore him in favour of her kits. That sadly isn't actually far off from what happens when she does recognize him. K:   He just goes "oh she died and in my leader ceremony she makes me feel like she always loved me and i never should have doubted her" S: I was so furious that her bit was like "a mother's love for her kits" and he's like, oh I can't believe how stupid I was for doubting her. S: She abused you, dude. S:  Being like, "lol jk" after she's dead counts for Nothing. K: It’s awful.  S: "I always loved you," said Palebird. "I just never wanted to interact with you at all when I was alive and I attached all my grief and trauma to your existence, which made it impossible to enjoy time around you, and I never even bothered to get help for myself or you, and I was happiest when you weren't in my life and I could focus on my other family. So I guess I didn't actually love you. I just felt like I probably should have, but oh well." S: I am as angry about her as I am about Sandgorse. K:   Yeah, she just somehow gets a free pass because "that's just how moms are!" -Erin S:  "Mums can say they love you and you have to believe them." K:  What kind of mother did you have/are you to your kids, @the Erins collective. I want to know. S: I KNOW K: Like, please answer for science. K:  I KNOW WE'VE ROASTED SANDGORSE THIS ENTIRE TIME BUT K:  THE NOTES S:  GET HIM S:  GET HIS ARSE K:  “I give you this life for forgiveness. No death need ever be avenged. Forgiveness brings peace far more surely than vengeance.” Talltail felt his ruffled fur smooth, his claws retract into his pads, his breath come steadily. Mercy was his, and always would be. “I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way, Tallstar,” Sandgorse meowed. — HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO MURDER A FICTIONAL CAT S:  YES YES YES YES S:  I was literally about to grab the same note. K:  "im sorry you had to learn the hard way" WHOSE FUCKING FAULT WAS THAT S:  “I give you this life for forgiveness. No death need ever be avenged. Forgiveness brings peace far more surely than vengeance.” It is a fatal mistake to conflate forgiveness with pacifism. K:  It's just. K:  Like I knew it was going to be awful, I knew this moment was going to happen, but just to see it and see the phrasing. K:  "I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way" is just the ultimate slap in the face. You abused and abandoned and neglected this kid. You did this. You were a ghost for 70% of the book and could have told your son that you "died a hero" and stopped him from being an absolute asshole. YOU DID THIS. S:  What peeves me is that I personally believe forgiveness is something you have to do for yourself, and not for other people. A lot of the time, bad people in your life won't ask for your forgiveness and don't deserve it. K: Yes!  Forgivesness isn't earned, forgivesness is given. K:  It's up to you to give people that forgiveness on your own terms, whenever and however you choose. And if you go "I'm not giving this to you" you don't have to! It's for you! It's your choice! S: But all your anger and hate and misery inside will burn you out like acid, so sometimes you need to go, "you're never going to earn my forgiveness, but I am choosing to forgive what you did so I can move on with my life and grow." S: It's why "forgive but don't forget" is a good thing to remember. You can let go of self-harmful anger without ever losing the lesson that person taught you, which was stay the hell away from people like that. S: That's the conversation I want to see happen around forgiveness in this story. K:  Talltail deserves so much better than any of the story we were given. K:  And like. Forgiveness through that specific lens is so compelling. S:  I know. It's something I'm deeply invested and interested in.  K:  It's so engaging, and relatable! It's messy and nuanced and full of a lot of good shit. S:  Yeah, like, and what happens when the person you resent or distrust tries to make efforts to atone, but they always fall a little short, or don't grow the way you need them to?  How do you forgive that, but still choose to walk away, knowing that in their narrative, you're the bad guy? K:  It's hard.  Knowing that they see you as the bad guy is like, the fucking toughest.  s:  It's extremely hard and I think there's so much space in this story for that exploration. K:  It makes it so easy to want to go back in for seconds and explain yourself to try and get them to understand you, even when you know that like, they're not going to and never will.  And it'll just hurt you more to try than to move on and be a better you for it. S: And being able to forgive yourself is I think a massive underrated lesson. K: Yes! It's beyond hard to try and be gentle with yourself and have compassion for yourself sometimes, especially regarding a messy scenario like these. S: I mean, all of this is way out of Erin Hunter's range, but like, ugh. What could have been. K: Yeah, absolutely. K:  Also I'm always here for young upset queer kids growing up to become Better & Cooler & Sexier than you, so don't try any shit dad, S: Anyway! That's it! We did it! K:  Yeah! S:  Honestly this is such a dumb book but it always feels like an accomplishment to get through another Book Club with you. K:  I agree. K: <3 S: <3

[sorinkavglazy]

So, I need to write about yesterday’s Sadko. It deservs to be told about. But I’m also crazily tired and there’s no one making me write this. Just me, myself and opera! I was unsure about it all at first but ended up getting if not the blast... at least some serious amout of raw, pure emotions opera’s so good at invoking. I’m not sure there were moments I completely lost myself in music but I felt at home for certain. 

Throughout all the noise around me in real life I needed exactly that: an extremely traditional, dusty production of this endulgent, lavish score. Rimsky-Korsakov’s librettist Vladimir Bel’sky didn’t have the luxury of a Pushkin’s text to base his libretto on. As a result, we (well we the Russians) kind of know the story and who ‘Sadko’ as a character supposed to be (they often call him the Russian Tannhauser - I’m not exactly sure I completely agree) but it was easier to feel how stupid the actual words were. Most of operatic texts are sheer nonsense but when they aren’t in Russian I can just let it slide very easily. It’s obviously a lot more difficult with the Russian ones (especially when it’s clearly sung which was the case yesterday) and here usually Pushkin comes to the rescue! Here Bel’sky stands alone supported only by a vage idea of a plot in people’s minds and his distinctive ability to write in a fake old-Russian style language convinsingly.

O’k, I’m not really done with this preamble - not by a long shot, but let’s just leave it here or I’ll ramble the night away) The yesterday’s performance was good, if a bit uneven, and for a rare change I had a lot of feelings on a visual front which usually comes as no more than an afterthought for me. I’m kind of torn on this one. I kept wishing through the whole thing to see a different staging. Came up with two ideas eventually: on the one hand, I think, a kind of Robert Wilson style one would be nice. But when haven’t I thought almost any opera would look nice with Wilson’s touch? I simply love how his goes about his business! On the other hand, I think a Georges Méliès style production might be really great! I know i’s just because I saw Tonight, tonight music video by Smashing Pumpkins oh so many times as a teen that it’s kind of ingrained into my soul! And maybe, just maybe either approach - ‘Wilson’s’ and ‘Méliès’  doesn’t actually contradict the other! 

And BTW - when Sadko premiered in 1897 Georges Méliès was already making his crazy movies so why not go with what was modern during the composer’s life?

On the singing side I admit, I wasn’t sold immediately but the crux of the first act I was completely there in the imaginary Novgorod) The singers all did admirable job probably fiered up by the leading man’s enthusiasm - Najmiddin Mavlyanov has recently sang this part in Dmirty Chernyakov’s new (contravercial - who would expect anything other than?) production in the Big Theatre in Moskow and now he has brought it to Mariinsky. I’ve heard the guy before a couple of times but this role he sings as if it’s his last part ever! And that an ear-sight to behold! But lose the wig me lad... please lose that stupid light brownish wig... you have a nice dark mane and to hell with all those old Russian folk heroes stupid stereotypes!

The rest of the men in this opera have small if remarcably colourful parts - out of three famous ‘guests’ Roman Burdenko’s ‘Venecian’ was the best IMO and he also got the sturdiest round of applause! But I’ll leave you with my favourite ‘Varyazsky’ guest recording at the bottom of the post - yesterday it was nothing like that (sigh) but still good. 

On the female side, I must admit it was the first time I truly liked Maria Bayankina! ‘Volhova’ is so her part! Please, please, do more of thosw lighter roles! And no more Puccini! Her ‘Minni’ is still one of the cringiest things I’ve ever heard on the operatic stage!

Ekaterina Sergeeva’s ‘Luibava’ was also on point! Another singer who’s much better in her native repertoire than as another medium-rare ‘Carmen’... Another sigh - I’ll spare you my musings on the matter how impossible it is to build an operatic career on the Russian stuff for a mezzo.

I could’ve added a lot of other stuff but it’s late... So, I hope my rant is bearable! Stravinsky’s The Nightingale’s next on Sunday with my fave Olga Pudova and they’ve just announced that Elena Stikhina is premiering ‘Renata’ in Prokofiev’s The Fiery Angel in May - you can bet I’ll be there! 

Oh... the orchestra and the conductor... well the were there and didn’t spoil the thing which is already a lot) 

It’s the day before yesterday! I will correct the errors tomorrow. Maybe. Right now I’m simply exhausted, hence GOOD NIGHT or whatever time of day it is where you are and best of the sleepy luck from me!

The old rec of the whole thing if anyone is interested:

[dapperfvck-arc]

🔥 The TV show... (Because I really want to know exactly why you don't like it [or hate it?] because i'm so freaking curious. Also I think in general a Constantine TV show would do best on AMC rather than NBC... FEEL FREE TO COMPLETELY RANT. I WANT TO KNOW. Please.)

Unpopular Opinion Time!

Oh boy. Hooooo boy. I’m still going to be relatively gentle, because honestly, I’m saving my true vitriol for the times that I must defend my choice not to RP it or for the hysterical consensus opinion from the fandom that TV show was an improvement over the film (lol nope, aside from Matt Ryan “looking the part” but that’s a whole other can of worms). 

Note: Cut for length and maybe a bit of brutality in my honesty.

*sighs* Ok, I’ll first preface this with that I still have like four episodes to go. Obviously, I have massive issues in the needless changes made to the adaption of comic canon. It was unnecessary to make Chas American while retaining the fact that he’s John’s oldest and best of friends. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but who knows. Maybe it’s explained a little better in one of the last few episodes, but you know. My hopes aren’t high. I don’t like Chas’s virtual invulnerability, not just because it takes away the stakes of the danger he’s putting himself in, but also? It’s a plot device scarcely used? So why make that choice if it’s not going to be capitalized on with meaningful frequency? I hated that Zed was portrayed as a novice, and that the teeth were taken out from the Newcastle Incident. Now obviously, I understand why they’d have to alter a bit of it due to Network censorship, but at the same??? I mean child abuse and sexual violence are nothing new on shows like Law and Order: SVU and Criminal minds so…Idek, it kind of comes off as an excuse. It’s not a child’s show. Maybe it could be argued that it was marketed toward teenagers, but it’s not like they’re ignorant to those horrors in the world. I’m not asking them to show Astra’s rape, just to acknowledge the true horror of the situation instead of making it all about John’s failure. So yeah, I was annoyed by the occasional attempt to adapt source material and completely mucking it all up.

Now to begin with, I completely get the SP/N’s fandom bitterness more than ever. Before watching it I thought they were just trying to be like “whaaaat, another show about magic and exorcism? Of course it’s a ripoff because don’t you know our fandom invented those things?” I honestly believe the crux of the issue is that NBC clearly wanted their own SP/N as well as to cash in the popularity of comic book based media, so there’s that. To me, it comes off as a shameless cash grab. I honestly believe if I felt like there was some kind of passion from its creators, I could have dealt with some of those changes, but I don’t get that. It’s been a soulless experience overall. Like it’s not been a matter of me nitpicking like “oh this is wrong, this has been changed, boo hoo, it’s not all existential horror and fucking and drugs.”

Because frankly...I just think it’s a bad show. It’s poorly written, poorly made, poorly researched, poorly acted, it’s just bad. The main issue I have with it is that it’s a lot of telling and not showing. There’s not a lot of tension or foreshadowing, just “boom this is how it is” and so much exposition. John, for example, about half of his dialogue in any given show is verbal exposition. It’s frustrating, tbh. Like, it doesn’t make sense for me in this day and age for a TV show, even on a network channel, to be this bad. Over the past several years, television series have improved exponentially in content and writing. It’s not shameful anymore to start off on TV anymore. We’re in a very exciting time that television and cinema are almost completely on equal par of perceived quality. So yeah, it’s been an even greater disappointment for me because it’s not just that they fuck with the source material but because on top of that it’s literally a bad show. I’m not one bit surprised that it wasn’t renewed because there just...Isn’t enough to like about it. It’s not faithful enough to the comic to secure that base of fans and it’s not good enough to be taken for face value. 

The other massive issue I have is the portrayal of magic, which honestly extends to DC’s handling of Hellblazer and John as well. See, what you have to understand is that predominately, throughout the Vertigo series, it’s clear to me that most of its writers either have some awareness of how magic works or at least have done their research. I can follow the logic and ritual in what he’s doing. ​Let me tell you a little something about magic. It's all about focus and will. You can do and say whatever the hell you want as long as you're putting your intent behind it. The ritual of spell work, use of candles, crystals, incense, chanting, incantations, etc. are meant to be the focus of a magician's energy and will on a particular result, but it could be attempted without as well. To explain it in more fantastical terms, in Harry Potter casting without a wand is considered impressive. This implies that the wizard's focus and will is so strong that they no longer need a wand to draw out their intent. Now I get it. By this understanding magic doesn't make good TV viewing (I guess...), but my main concern with this series is there's no attempt to portray an iota of witchcraft's reality along with the fantastical. Now part of this problem is that they've removed a great deal of John's innate ability. He can no longer see spirits/ghosts and there is no mention to his connection to synchronicity (as far I’ve seen, mind). Instead of happening to end up where he needs to be or what have you, he's following a map, and he uses a lot of artifacts and other implementation to get the job done. Which bothers me on a few levels. For one, it imbues the focus, not the caster with the power, which is not how magic works (at least in the sense of portraying gritty urban fantasy), and for two, it's very much against character. Let me give you an example: In the two part story Newcastle Calling, at the end of it, John hands a dying man a twig, telling him it's the finger bone of St. Cavartigan and that it's known to bring relief to those in need. He tells him to squeeze it tightly and focus on the pain going away. Near the end of the scene, the young man tells John that it's working. A couple things can be taken away from this scene: John's will was that the dying man would believe as he was told and his instructions were rote ritual. By contrast, in the series, John would probably had actually given him a Saint's fingerbone. You see the comparison takes the power of the scene away, as well as the mystery. Is the power of John's suggestion so strong that he could make the guy believe by holding that twig his pain would do away? Or was he so desperate to believe in order to not die in pain? You can interpret it either way. Hell, I could invent other interpretations, but going by what I believe would happen in the show, it can only be interpreted in the most literal sense. Now, to be honest, most television shows portray magic poorly. Even movies do a better job while keeping fantastical elements. The Craft, for all it’s 90s cheese, is a great example of this. So I suppose I could be blamed for getting my hopes up to be dashed because it’s just following the formula of 95% of all TV shows that feature a magical element or theme, but I mean...it’s not like Buffy or Charmed that was working without a script, so to speak. The TV series had a ready made blueprint and still chose to take the mumbo-jumbo bullshit route. Now, I have a lot of theories on the why for this, but that’s another post altogether and this has already gone on for way too long and I still have more to say.

Now, I guess I should, at least briefly, touch on the elephant in the room: Matt Ryan as John. What did I think? Because a lot of people have told me that he’s the shining beacon of this show, even literally admitting that yeah, it’s a poor representation of Hellblazer but that Matt Ryan man, he’s great! The problem that I have is that it’s not a good a show, and so no, I don’t like him in the role. I’m not going to compare him to Keanu because that’s not fair for a number of reasons, and maybe I’m a little biased because I adore Keanu (there’s also that can of worms I mentioned earlier, which is honestly yet another separate post lol). The way John’s written for this show, he’s positively insufferable. He’s not charming at all, which is find the most offensive, because one thing that can be said across all series and iterations of the character is that John is magnetic even despite xyz (he’s dangerous, he can be an asshole, he’s unreliable, etc.). Here he’s just a know-it-all, condescending prick. Now I do think with better writing, in a better representation of John’s character and Hellblazer in general (and maybe with a voice coach or director to discourage that Welshy intonation because yeah, his accent does irritate the shit out of me, but I’ve been very vocal about that before and honestly, at this point, I’ve come to realize that Ryan’s vowels are the least of this show’s problem), I think he has potential to be a fine John. As it stands in the media he’s portrayed John in so far (idk, maybe he was good on Arrow, but I’m talking the TV Series here and the JLD animation, which I’ve admittedly not seen, but I hated the comic so I’m not real likely to give that a chance considering my disposition toward the source material), I’m not entirely sold on him. Like if they tried another TV series for Hellblazer and didn’t cast him in the role, I wouldn’t be upset over it. 

I do agree that it probably could have been better on another channel, but here’s the rub, all the blood and gore and sex and loose censorship in the world could not save that show without better writing and direction. It could have been a fine show even on network if it had been crafted with some degree of caring. Let me give you an example off the top of head, namely the handling of the Newcastle incident. It was laid out pretty plainly within a few episodes. Alterations from canon aside, it doesn’t portray the horror of it at all and is one of the show’s many missed opportunities to really play up the scarier, more mysterious elements of John’s backstory. For example, instead of laying it out in a sloppy flashback with a laughable puppet, picture this scene instead: ​John is having a chat with someone, maybe Zed or Chas or some b-plot character. Something reminds him of the Newcastle incident and he gets a far off look in his eyes. The folly drops away to an eerie silence as the camera comes in tight on John's expression. Filling up the silence is a little girl's scream, then the voices of his friends, perhaps some sounds of violence, an inhuman sound or voice, it all blends together to become a hellish cacophony of sound as John's expression becomes more strained. Then suddenly the other person calling his name snaps him out of his reverie. The screams stop, the folly returns, and the scene appears jarringly normal. John shakes his head, makes a joke, and they move on. Yeah, that kind of scene has been done before, but the reason for that is it’s effective without giving away the whole story. It shows that this is a man haunted by something horrible. It’s also cheap and doesn’t necessitate straining the no doubt thin budget of a TV show that has yet to prove itself worthy of having more money thrown at it. 

Honestly, the issues I have with this show are innumerable and I’m just scratching the surface here and laying out my biggest problems. I could nitpick for days, and that’s the reason I’ve stayed mum about my opinions. There are people that follow me and that I write with that really like and care about the show, and I don’t want to make them feel...you know, bad about it or that they can’t talk to me or whatever. You know, if they found it enjoyable more power to them. I just didn’t and that’s maybe on me. By no means am I trying to bash the show here (because lord if I wanted to, I could), but to offer up what was requested, and that’s my undiluted opinions and feelings about the series. Of course I’m sorry that I couldn’t share the joy and that I couldn’t even like it on a similar level that I do the film (as a very solid AU, which people have tried to sell the show as to me, knowing my previous understanding of some of the changes made that deviate strongly from canon. As I said, maybe if it had been better made and written, I could, but as it stands currently, I can’t and unless real changes are made in the future, I’m unlikely to alter my opinion of it).

So yeah that’s it. Apologies that this got so very long, but as you can tell, there’s been a lot that I’ve been holding back.

[judgeanon]

Hey, it's that Cass Cain Batgirl anon who was bugging Zechs earlier. Having stumbled across a couple of your musings on Shiva a while back...honestly, you've got a point or two about that series being a mixed blessing for Sandra Wu-san, though I'd say the finale's "welp, Cass, I'm your mom & Daddy Dave was basically my origin story" angle sucked most. Oh, and the plunging-neckline look was taken to an even stupider extreme on Nyssa Al-Ghul's suit in that arc. Great Dan Rand comparison, though.

Honestly, calling it a “mixed blessing” is already being very generous in my eyes. To me, Puckett had the right idea up until the death wish thing. Shiva is an outsider, someone who has no relation whatsoever to Cass or the batfamily apart from having fought or trained a few of them. She lives in a whole ‘nother world. And yet, Cass sees something of herself in her, and so does Shiva.

(Warning: this is gonna be a rant, so for the sake of everyone else…)

In Shiva, Cass sees what she could become if she threw all the things the Batfamily taught her away, if she rejected her burgeoning humanity and turned her focus to becoming “perfect”. Which is hella tempting for Cass, because it means not just becoming The Strongest, but also getting rid of all these pesky conflicting emotions and mixed thoughts that keep messing with her brain. She sees Shiva’s way of life as this beautiful, crystal clear, straightforward path that she herself could follow if she wanted. And Shiva knows it. Shiva can tell there’s a part of Cass that would like that, very much. And up until the death wish thing, that’s what it reads like: Shiva helping Cass find her own way by presenting her with an alternative. Shiva destroying Cass and then showing her a way she can rebuild herself as something new. And Cass, like the hero she is, ultimately rejects that way, which is fine. It’s dandy. It’s A-OK.

But then you get into the death wish thing, which is both incredibly cliche and, in my view, terribly OOC for Shiva. Shiva wants a fight, she wants to evolve, she wants stronger opponents, yes to all this. Shiva does not want to die. There is nothing before that run that indicates she wants to die. To me she always comes off more like someone who, in a very bushido way, has accepted death, and therefore conquered it. She just doesn’t care. She always fights to the death, but she’s not looking to die, and she certainly doesn’t groom people to kill her. Like Ivan Drago, if she dies, she dies, and she doesn’t think much else beyond that. Giving her a death wish, especially one that comes out of nowhere, is extremely annoying to me. And it doesn’t help that the whole “kill me to complete your training” was already old hat when fucking Star Wars did it.

And then you get into the family thing, into the whole backstory with David Cain and Cass being Shiva’s daughter, and that’s where I completely zone the fuck out. Not just because it rips almost any sense of agency out of her, but also because, and I’ve said this a dozen times or more already, any attempt to humanize Lady Shiva is a fool’s errand to me. Trying to explain her, to give her a reason for being like that, that goes against everything that makes her interesting to me. What makes her unique is being intensely inhuman. It’s being this ethereal, undecipherable, otherworldly presence who acts as a foil to more human and relatable characters. That’s why her Question appearances are still her best: because she always seemed to have stepped out of an entirely different plane of existence than Vic’s shades-of-gray-and-grit world, not just in a punchy kicky way but in a moral one. Hell, the fact that Vic couldn’t even begin to fathom her is the whole crux of their relation.

Which is why those early Puckett issues are so good. Because Cass, like Vic, is a very human character fraught with inner conflict who tries her best to become a better person. But unlike Vic, Cass could actually follow Shiva’s path. Vic could never be like her. Try as he might, he cannot separate himself from the material world, which is what dooms him in the end. He cannot reach that level. But Cass can. Cass’ ties with the world, at the start of Puckett’s run, are not as strong as Vic’s. So her relationship with Shiva echoes the Question run, but also adds a whole bunch of layers to it. Will Cass reject the complexities of a humanity that seems to weaken her more and more with every word she learns?

That, all that, to me, completely evaporates the moment you try to humanize Shiva. And fuck did those last issues try, and they tried hard. Way too hard. Because it reduces Shiva to another sob story, another tortured assassin who wants it all to end, another walking cliche. In a misguided attempt to fill her character up with backstory and emotions and humanity, they hollow her out. And once that happens, her interactions with Cass become every bit as empty. They become cliches, usual places, same old tired crap, signifying nothing.

What does Shiva being Cass’ mom add to their story? What does it add to their characters? What does it give them that they didn’t have already? Does it mean that Shiva actually cares about Cass? That changes literally nothing, because her end game is still the same stupid death wish. Does it mean that Cass can see where Shiva is coming from? Doesn’t matter, because she still makes the same choice as before. They tried so hard to flesh out Shiva’s death wish without realizing it was a dumb idea to begin with, and the end result was tying two characters together without anything new or good to show for it.

Mind you, it’s not entirely without potential. If someone tried, really tried, I imagine they could be able to squeeze something interesting from all that junk. As long as they don’t circle around to the fucking death wish again, the idea of Cass being the only member of the Batfamily who can (to a certain degree) understand and accept Shiva has some legs. Cass as someone who has one foot in Shiva’s world, but also all these ties to Batman’s world that she will never break, and Shiva as someone who understand and accepts this as the way Cass chose for herself. There is room there for something more than the same tired cliche. There’s even room for a team-up. But so far, the only thing I genuinely like about the whole ordeal is Psudonym’s adorable fanart of Momma Shiva and Babby Cass, and the idea of an Edo-era “Lone Wolf and Cub”-style Elseworlds that is just too beautiful to ever actually happen.

[tracey1302]

Episode 602 - The Man in the Basement (aka #becauseIloveyou)

Woke up this morning and opened Tumblr.

First reaction.

Then...

Now I’m just at...

I know what you’re all thinking. Bloody sadist. How can you be so happy when the last scene of last night’s episode was possibly the most heartbreaking in Homeland’s history?

Answer: Because she loves him.

And we can see it. Now more than ever before. There’s no Jonas sex in between where she’s chatting some bs about going to a cabin. There’s no Saul on the sidelines, waiting for his answers. This is just the two of them.

We’ve even got the NYT on our side with this one...

“If there ever was a time for an “I love you” on “Homeland,” it was tonight.“You saved me.”“Yes.”“Why?”“Why? … Why?”

Thanks Judith Warner. I love you too. Obvs, more on this later.

So let’s begin...

I’d like to talk about this...thanks to wthomeland for the gif.

Not only do we have this gorgeous scene to come... they’re just spoiling us now.... but it’s the last shot in the credits. Homeland underlining their relationship/closeness/intimacy is absolutely 100% central to this season and to Carrie’s development. The running narrative through the credits is always about Carrie. ‘I missed something once...’ ‘Who’s after me?’ etc etc. Now it’s Quinn, saying ‘You saved me. Why?’ Can I get an OTP?

That’s not to mention that the whole shot looks like a darker version of the Titanic poster with Quinn/Carrie posed as Jack and Rose.

Just me? Okay, moving on...

Quinn is listening to some random anti-Communist rant on the radio that seemed like it was preaching the end of times. I can only assume that was what was behind Quinn’s random quest for canned food....

Little Frannie Mathison (bless her, what a sweetheart) is listening in, stating, ‘There’s a man in the basement.’ I actually thought it was kind of sweet that Carrie told Frannie that they had Quinn staying with them. And a lovely reminder from Carrie to all the audience that the two of them had met before, and that she liked him...ahhh 412. Those were the days.

‘Frannie took a shine to you.’ Oh that episode. THAT scene. Sigh.

Anyway, Carrie drops off Frannie with some friend and then goes to try and give Quinn his meds. I thought it was quite interesting to see that the door was locked. Presumably it can be locked from both sides? Quinn couldn’t get through last time because she didn’t want him up there (for obvious reasons from his antics the previous day) and now she can’t get back down? They will create these obstacles to their relationship moving forward.

She tries to get in to help.

And Quinn throws the mug.

Thanks Quinn. Real helpful. So Carrie asks Max to keep watch, or as Quinn later states, to ‘babysit’ him.

Freaking love Max, by the way. So glad to see him back.

I thought it was interesting that Max was brought into this episode because for me, it highlighted a couple of things.

1) How lonely Carrie really is. There aren’t that many people she can call on in case of emergency anymore. Saul, let’s not go there. Maggie... god knows where she is, probs still in Washington. Quinn... that completes our circle of friends.

2) How insightful Max is. Max knew Quinn before, which you sort of forget because their little tag team was so long ago. And I thought this scene was really touching.

Max says ‘He’s got this strange thing about you which isn’t helping.’

Carrie gets upset and says desperately, ‘I’m trying!’

It was a really weird but touching scene. It’s hard to read. I couldn’t tell whether he was just telling her the depth of Quinn’s depression, in case she didn’t already know. Or whether he was perhaps saying that she needed to do more to try and help him.

What is this thing that Quinn’s got with Carrie? 

The orderlies at the hospital mentioned that he gets agitated when she’s around. At the beginning of this episode, he just rejects her help and throws a mug at her.

I still obviously stand by the fact that he’s so proud that he doesn’t want her to see him like this but I also think he just genuinely doesn’t understand why she cares so much about him and why she’s helping him. He genuinely thinks he’s worthless. Now more so than ever before. Even before trashcan land in 505 - or was it 506? I forget because I try to block out Season Five wherever possible.

I also wonder, but I hope I’m wrong, it’s just a thought so don’t pounce on it. Perhaps Quinn, even in his current state, senses some guilt within Carrie and wonders why. Given the last scene and it’s poignancy, this isn’t a big thing, but it could come up. Who knows?

So her care frustrates him, even angers him. But then Max, bless him, asks him outright as to why he’s being such a dick to her? And he can’t really answer. He’s just angry at the world.

I also thought it was really sweet that every time the phone rang at work and it was Max, Carrie is asking after Quinn. So beautiful.

Yes, you’re getting Jeremy again.

Another thing I thought was quite interesting in this episode, which does play into my analysis of the final scene between Carrie and Quinn, is the conversation between Carrie and Saul.

Saul outright asks Carrie if she’s been working with Pres-Elect Keane. Which she has, so he was on the money there. But it was his... threat, that kind of disgusted me. When he says that it wouldn’t ‘play right’ if it was uncovered that she had been working with Keane. I thought this was way out of line and sort of...inhuman... even for Saul. But Carrie’s repulsed reaction to it shows show much she’s changed from this.

You see, Saul is such a company man now that the sanctity of human life seems to mean nothing to him. Just the fact that he came all the way down to Carrie’s place of work to effectively say, ‘I’ve sniffed you out. Don’t do it again,’ in a semi-threatening sort of way, just shows how flippant he is about everything, including people’s lives and livelihood. This is what the CIA appears to do to people, including Saul, including Quinn. And Carrie wants out. Or at least a changed paradigm...

Furthermore, is anyone else pissed that Saul hasn’t asked how Quinn is? He must know that Carrie is taking care of him, he’s in the CIA, for god’s sake.

Anyway, let’s come to the crux of it.... the scene. So Max is gone, and Carrie tentatively goes down to see Quinn. I thought the fact that he asked how her day was, was really sweet. He really carefully says the words, so as not to get them wrong.

She answers as Carrie would to old Quinn. That made me smile.

And then he asks what happened to him? This bit of the scene made me think that memory loss has been a thing. She goes back to two separate points in time before landing on the story that Quinn wants her to tell.

‘What happened to me...before this?’

I thought it was really heartbreaking how he gestures towards his body.

Carrie is incredulous that he doesn’t know what’s happened to him.

We are also quite surprised. We’ve watched that video as many times as Carrie has. If not more. Sara @hellyeahomeland said it best when she highlighted that there’s so much about this situation that we know, and Quinn doesn’t. We feel like we shouldn’t know if Quinn doesn’t. It feels intrusive and wrong.

Quinn tells us that he hadn’t wanted to watch it, until now.

This is heartbreaking and a huge step forward for Quinn. And very telling that he’s ready to take this step, but only if Carrie is with him. He doesn’t say this, but I would wager this is what he means. He’s finally got to a place where he is more settled (he looks more settled) and this is because of her. It took Max to call him on it but hey, he got there. He is now realising that he can rely on her, he can lean on her a little and it’s okay for him to do that. He doesn’t need to be so proud.

So we get ready to watch it again. I also loved Carrie’s moment of hesitancy and then he touches her, gently, to tell her it’s okay to play it. To tell her that he’s okay. That he’s ready.

This moment in itself is huge. Quinn finally confronts what has happened to him. He watches it and sees what everyone else has seen. His very public capture and torture at the hands of terrorists. The whole world has seen him throw up, wet himself and convulse as a result of the sarin.

Carrie tells him she ‘must have watched it a hundred times trying to find you.’ 

Carrie’s words here are so gentle, but she’s trying to tell him how much she deeply deeply cares about him. She also makes this whole thing about them and their relationship. I don’t mean romantic relationship (as obviously they weren’t involved at the time) but it’s all about her, trying to get to him. 

‘Those tiles. They are what led me to you.’

Her phrasing here. Me to you. Underlying sentiment, ‘Please believe I was doing everything that I possibly could to get to you.’

Furthermore, Carrie shares something that we actually didn’t know. Quinn flatlined in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He was dead for three whole minutes. She chokes as though these were the longest minutes of her life. Which they obviously were.

‘You saved me. Why?’

Cue Tracey choking a sob over her brew.

‘Why?’

As I mentioned before, there are a few layers to this question from Quinn’s side... let’s unpack them.

1) Quinn doesn’t think his life is worth saving. He hasn’t cared much about his life since he got back from Syria. It all ended.... partly because he thought Carrie was rejecting him and partly because he had far too many intimacy issues to confront a possible relationship with her. So he ran away.

But especially now. He is brain damaged, paralysed down one side and heavily medicated. A shadow of his former self.

2) Quinn doesn’t understand why Carrie cares so much about him. What I would really like to know is how much Quinn remembers. 

Does he remember 412?

This may seem like a daft question, but given, as I say, Carrie recalls two explanations from the recent past before landing on what he wants to talk about, I think it needs asking.

Given the way he looks at her here...

I’m going for yes, he does remember. But a girl’s gotta ask.

In which case, how can he not know the answer before her response? Yes, two, three years have passed, but is he so far gone that he doesn’t understand why Carrie could possibly think to save his life?

Carrie is so mortified that he even asks, she says ‘Why’ twice!

I am sobbing at this point, FYI.

I feel like part of this answer, but not the juicy bit, which I’ll come onto.. is that she’s so horrified about his lack of care for his own life. This plays into what I brought up in the scene with Saul. She’s mortified that this is what the CIA does to people. Saving someone’s life is a no brainer. Especially someone you care about. Why is he even asking the question?

And then there’s the crux of it.

Why?

Because I love you.

How can you not know that?

Because you saved my life so many times and I never thanked you.

Because you call me on my bullshit, even when I don’t want you to

Because you came to see me in the hospital.

Because you protected my identity in Berlin, risking your own life to do so.

Because you told me how important my child was when I didn’t even know.

Because you made me believe that a life outside the CIA was possible.

Because you were my friend when I had none.

Because you believed me when no-one else did.

Because you said I was your light.

Because you loved me.

The letter hangs so heavy over this scene, I feel like it should be engraved on the wallpaper. But she can’t tell him that she knows that. And I don’t think he’s ready to hear ‘Because I love you.’ But she does do this.

She touches his heart. And that tells us everything we need to know.

Including Quinn, who appears to be fighting back the tears... it’s dawning on him that things have definitely changed in his relationship with Carrie. He doesn’t know the extent of it yet. But things have changed... they are deeper... and I think he might just be understanding how Carrie feels about him.

He’s starting to love again.. to feel feelings again.. meaning is coming back into his life. It’s so damn beautiful I could start crying all over again. This is a big deal for the Quinn of S5 and of S6.

And here’s the thing. I know I said in my review last week that I thought Carrie was confused about how she felt about Quinn. I don’t think she is now. The relationship is still very, very complicated, as I’ll discuss in a minute. But I think the fact that Quinn asked her the question, directly, carefully, honestly, made her confront a lot of feelings outright. I feel like everything crystallises for her in this scene, which is why she cries so deeply. Not that she suddenly realises how she feels about him right NOW, but nobody has asked her that before. No-one has asked her why she saved him, why she’s taking care of him.

And she can’t even answer it because it’s like she’s being stabbed in the heart by someone she loves. How can you even ask me that? How can you not know?

And to all those who say this scene is about guilt...I think we’d be silly to think she doesn’t feel guilty/complicit for what’s happened to Quinn. That is one reason she’s so upset, but it’s very small in the scope of the scene.

Because the scene isn’t about waking him up. What Carrie actually discusses is finding him, him flatlining in the ambulance and being gone for three whole minutes. What she is bringing up is this....

How she felt when she thought she’d lost him. How she doesn’t want to be without him. This is what she’s talking about. Saul doesn’t even come into it. The terrorists’ target has nothing to do with this. Waking him up has nothing to do with this.

But here’s the thing, folks. The further down this road they go, the more questions Quinn may ask. The more questions he asks, the more Carrie tells him. The more she tells him, the more he finds out. And pretty much Carrie’s worst nightmare right now (or later in the Season) is Quinn finding out that she and Saul woke him up and were pretty much responsible for his hemorrhage. 

Because that means keeping Quinn alive was about the mission. It wasn’t about what he means to her. And Quinn consequently might think that the relationship they’ve built from 602 onwards was about guilt, and not about love. 

When I think we can say, for definite now, that it is about love.

And the only thing that could rescue this situation, should it present itself? 

The letter. Carrie tells Quinn she read the letter.

I’m not sure that this is where it will go, we’re only at 602... but it’s possible.

But right now, I think we should lay back and look at this...

And look forward to some seriously cute Quinn and Frannie bonding. It’s gonna be a good season for us folks.

Over and out.

[juniorkoyama]

How this blog came about

   To be completely honest, I am incredibly hesitant to even write this post. Even now, I am quite literally debating whether or not to erase this and change subjects. I have to consciously force my fingers to type these words. But I made a promise to post at least once per day, and I have not had the time or inspiration to churn out a bulk production of material as of yet. So, as the digits on my monitor tick steadily closer to the midnight deadline of a new calendar day, I find myself at a loss as to subject matter. A couple of hours ago, I toyed with the idea of casually letting just this one day slide. “I can make it up tomorrow by posting twice...”. But a promise is a promise and I made the promise of posting daily in order to better myself and in the hopes of making writing (something I have always been attracted to, and feel fairly capable of) into a habit. As I was simultaneously persuading and dissuading myself in regards to posting today, I found myself wanting for subject matter. Nothing seemed fun, inspiring, intriguing. So, I thought, maybe I should just provide a little background on myself and how I found myself in this situation.

    The quick version (I promise I will post more on this and elaborate heavily in the future, think of this as an introduction) is that I absolutely hate to appear vulnerable, show weakness, or feel incapable. I also despise using any disability or setback as a crutch and an excuse to not be the best you can be, and to not accomplish what you want in life. The reality is that over the past 5 to 6 years I have felt an ever increasing presence of all those things which perturb me, as well as much other pain and hardship. You see, on my 33rd birthday, I was finally diagnosed (after several years of unknown and ever increasing physical ailments, and waning physical performance) with Late Stage Lyme Disease, which becomes known as Chronic Lyme Disease or Post Treatment Lyme Disease Syndrome if the symptoms continue to persist one year or longer after antibiotic treatment.

    Before becoming infected with borrelia burgdorferi, the bacteria which is responsible for Lyme Disease, I was carving out a career in the restaurant industry. I hesitate to say “I was a chef”, because that term is thrown around all too often and far too gratuitously. I got my first restaurant job at the age of 17 as a dishwasher, and moved my way up through the ranks (not at the same establishment, but through many different restaurants) to eventually be a lead cook. I attended and graduated from Le Cordon Bleu with a degree in Culinary Arts. I then worked at several other restaurants and held various positions, from Prep Cook to Sous Chef, and eventually opened my own food business. Notice, at no point have I even said I was a ‘Chef‘... yes, I held a couple of positions as Sous Chef, but, in case you are wondering, or perhaps do not know, CHEF is a position, a title, an earned demarcation which entails lots of blood, sweat and tears, and it denotes a certain element of respect within the restaurant community. So, yes, I have held a position as a chef, but I am not a chef. I unapologetically state, right here and now, that it is a personal pet peeve of mine when ‘Chef’ is thrown around willy-nilly. I know, many people do it because they think they are being respectful or polite, and some companies call all cooks ‘Chefs’ in order to.... well I don’t really know why, except maybe to make their company seem more prestigious than it really is? Perhaps this is a skewed and negative perception, perhaps it is the truth. At any rate, if you are someone who calls anyone in the professional kitchen ‘Chef’ please refrain from now on, as it is not as respectful as you perhaps intend, and likely makes you seems much less knowledgeable than you surely are. Don’t worry, there will be plenty more rants and raves about restaurant industry happenings in the future of this blog, so, if it is something you enjoy, stay tuned!

    I digress, and to bring things back round to the crux, I was a career restaurant employee, and it is a highly demanding job, physically, mentally and temporally. To sum things up (as I said earlier, I will elaborate on everything in much more detail in upcoming posts), I ended up having to routinely quit new cooking jobs after only a few months, sometimes only a couple days weeks, of work. I became worried about my health, as it felt like I had the flu (minus the gastrointestinal issues) for nearly two whole years, and it had taken a toll on my physical, mental and emotional well being. It certainly didn’t do anything positive for my résumé either. I didn’t have health insurance, and was quickly finding it difficult to pay my bills. Finally things got to the point that I was unemployed and essentially bed ridden due to chronic fatigue and constant peripheral neuropathy - you know, that fun feeling of all your nerves and muscles constantly burning. I found this particular peculiarity highly intriguing, and it got me to researching possible diagnoses of my symptoms (self diagnosing is NEVER a good idea, just don’t do it... seriously, don’t... you’ll make things far worse than they really are) and set me on a quest to obtain consistent medical evaluation for the uninsured and broke. Eventually I came across a clinic which met these criteria, and I ended up telling my physician that I basically felt like I always had the flu, and that my muscles always burned. The best way I could describe this was being akin to when you are doing a heavy toning workout lifting weights, and you near the end of your final set, when your muscles literally feel like they are on fire and you push through those last, glorious few reps which make you feel so incredibly accomplished. It turns out, as a matter of fact, that there is a very specific biological reasoning to this highly descriptive feeling of this very specific symptom of Lyme Disease.

    And so there were many schedulings of appointments at various places, I was insanely fortunate to get an absolutely incredible medical team who actually wanted to get to the root of my problems and figure this thing out. After three rounds of blood work, for a total of 10 vials of blood, and several months (all heavily laden with doctor’s appointments) of waiting for results, I got the diagnosis. It was a bittersweet discovery, on the one hand it felt great because now there was a course of action to combat a known enemy, on the other hand it was almost worse than not knowing, because so little is known on a clinical level regarding the treatment of Late Stage Lyme Disease.

    You see, most Lyme Disease cases are diagnosed within 3-6 months of contraction. If this is the case, a short course of antibiotics and a small bit of follow up evaluation, and Bob’s your uncle, you’re back to your old self. If, however, you remain infected and undiagnosed for years rather than months, well, then the bacteria really wreak havoc on your body and play a little game of their own called “your symptoms are gonna go ahead and persist even after you kill us”. So, basically, even after diagnosis and treatment, I am still unable to function ‘normally’, as I used to. I am unable to work a ‘normal’ job like a ‘normal’ person. I can’t be relied on to show up for scheduled shifts or appointments with any sort or regularity due to my continuing symptoms. I had to figure out something to do with my life to give it purpose again.

    Writing is something I have always enjoyed, it’s been something that I have always found a comfortable creative outlet, and it has steadily rode sidecar in my brain throughout my life; constantly, though gently, pushing me to dedicate myself to it in one way or another while my conscious brain made all sorts of excuses why I shouldn’t pursue it. After a bit of thought, and a few brainstorms of various writing avenues, I decided to start this blog. I like the idea of the freedom it offers. I don’t have to write about only one thing for any length of time or number of characters, which is ideal because I love learning and sharing knowledge about so many things. I don’t even have to stick to one style of writing, and can fill in posts with pictures and other media if fitting (or if I’m lazy!).

    I thank you for bearing with me for this bit of a ramble. I usually am very disciplined about editing my work, I hate for anything to go out with errors. Today is an exception. As I finish writing this, my mind is clouded, I am about twice as tired and sore as I was an hour ago when I began this post, my forearms are burning and I find it increasingly difficult to keep track, keep course, and stay on topic in any sort of coherent and naturally flowing fashion. My vocabulary steadily declines, and my focus diminishes. I normally read through and re edit anything I write which meets another persons eyes with dogged determination so as to present my best possible work. I re-read through for continuity and flow, check for grammatical, syntactical and punctuation errors. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to proof reading an editing. But, as I said a bit ago, today is an exception as I feel the Lyme Disease winning this fight. I want to go on, to clarify points, to expand on particular events, it takes all my self restraint to NOT proof read and edit, but there will be plenty of time and opportunities for all of this later. I know this post is a bit of incohesive and semi- stream of consciousness writing. But thank you for reading, and, hopefully, not judging too harshly. Enjoy this rarity of unedited spew of speech placed in to text, for I am not going to read back through or edit this before posting. Hopefully I do not read it back tomorrow in a pool of regret, but c’est la vie, non?

Junior