#that wasnt a joke i think i lost passion or something

[burntnotices]

you know, fandom is weird for me.

im in a lot, passively and actively. i love a lot of things. but burn notice, you know?

its been the literal Sun to my Earth for over nine years now. sure, the fandom certainly predates me even being aware of its existence. (i was indeed in the single digits when it first aired.) but there was a period of time, roughly around 15-19 where i WAS the fandom.

of course people were around, here and there. burn notice was an incredibly popular show, but not a Popular Show.

it was one of those that dominated the public eye for a couple dazzling years, fizzled out, and then entirely forgotten.

it has had its resurgence lately. not a “big” one, but a notable one no doubt. and it made me realize,

i have hinged my whole adult (and teenage) identity on this show. being this show’s number one fan. and when it gets down to it, and i see people enjoying the show that i literally have been a walking advertisement for, for the greater part of a decade, its bittersweet.

finally, people listen. but also, i feel a lack of a sense of self.

of course dubbing myself “THE burn notice person” when there was no fandom was egotistical and pointless at best, i never really imagined that identity being challenged.

and, no, obviously nobody is challenging it. that’s silly. it was never a serious title to begin with, but just a joking testament to my dedication and passion for the series. but in a way, it was.

but with the spreading of the show, i realize that being a vessel of transmitting Burn Notice Brainworms is pretty much moot now. like im not needed?

and god it sounds so dumb to say. im so depressed and self-hating but have such an elevated sense of self and worth about the dumbest stuff. it just sounds so (for lack of a better word) narcissistic of me to want to disappear the second im not “important” anymore. so on brand, and i really hate it.

its just all so fucking dumb. i know how dumb it is to feel this way, but i also still feel a sense of grief and loss over something i never had a say over in the first place.

i think part of it is that i wasted all of my teen and young adult years being a hermit, doing nothing but watching the show over, and over, and over, and over, and over, with nothing to show for it. i feel like i have entitlement to it because of that, and thats so fucking dumb. i don’t know why i am that way. i wish i wasnt.

i wish i could just be happy to have people who i share an interest with, but it just makes me want to disappear?

im no stranger to self-sabotage, but something about this feels different than that. i can’t explain it.

i don’t know. i can’t really explain why i feel such a sense of ownership over something i absolutely have no business feeling entitled to.

maybe its one of those “i suffered so everyone else should too” mentalities?

yknow, being bullied by my peers for being weird, or being told to shut up about it by my friends, both online and off, and my parents and family completely tuning me out whenever i spoke. “carrying” the fandom into the 2020’s by being annoying and loud.

i know i didnt DO anything for this fandom. i didn’t carry anything. nothing would be different today whether i was here or not. im owed nothing. people deserve to love the show, i want people to, but i still backslide into feeling like i should just throw in the towel because someone will love it more. someone will do better than me.

maybe thats why i liked competing for the title of “the best” in a ring with no opponents. so i could feel important for once. i know i stand up to no one, in anything i do. my art. my video game scores. my trivia. my money. my collections.

and when that “”title”” is challenged, i feel lost again. not because im in the ring with a bunch of people, but because nobody else is even competing, and yet i still lose. because everyone else is at the bar next door.

im the fool for trying to win at a social setting.

but then, i never really was equipped for socialization anyway. somewhere the wires got crossed.

anyway, i don’t really remember what my point was. i guess im just complaining. nothing new.

im just glad that burn notice has people who care about it.

[dansevilpianotea]

ramble ahead about time, tatinof, 2015 and changing one's life

tatinof is very special and im so happy they did this video to acknowledge that its not cringe at all and that theyre proud of their past selves !! there's sth genuinely healing about that !! ive had a hard time in 2015 and even tho i was 12/13 and just discovered that online fan communities of things i was into were a thing and was nowhere close to the phandom (i joined after BIG), this is the fandom internet that i joined back then. thats why its so poetic that they sing 'the internet is here', because to me this is the time it started to be there for me. it wasnt always kind to me and instagram was not a great platform to start on if your bullies and other ppl from school were also on it, but it was also when for the first time ever i realised that there were not only people who liked what i liked but that those ppl also have created their own culture and community online !! i was not totally alone !! there is a life outside of school !! i would never chose to go back to that time ever like it was horrible (that applies to any time in the past tho, i hate the idea of 'going back in time' with a passion) but im glad that the internet was there for me because no one else really was if im being real with you.

more below the cut because im an insufferable yapper (dan is a terrible influence haha tit joke)

this all is maybe why i find it hard to go back to watch dnps older content and also the stuff from the tatinof era. dan's sarcastic self-hating persona and phils innocent nerd persona are both hitting a bit too close to home and i want to both cry for them and for myself. we knew nothing back then. we were lost and yet did sth we were proud of. yet here we are almost 10 years later and how the fuck did we end up here but oh my god im so proud of us. all it took for me was to watch dan's coming out video. all it took for them was to be embraced and loved by their audience (us). dan also needed a break which is something that at the time it happend was really hard for me but then i found my wonderful lovely phannie discord friends here. we really all got here together and if i ever see any single person say that dnp hate us or dan hates it or that dnp are cringe or that we are cringe etc etc i will block you so hard because what are you even doing bringing up drama when in reality dan and phil and the phandom have developed the most remarkable symbiotic relationship between artist adn fans ever. they are our dads and i honestly just want to say how fucking proud i am of them for how far theyve come and what theyve done since 2015. dan really did the whole mental health and gay thing but then he did the mental health again!! and i think ywgttn and wad need to be given more credit here because idk if you remember pre-wad dan but he wasnt anything like post wad dan. every since wad he seems so happy and genuinely authetic and in peace. (im ignoring dystopia daily here because that was filmed before wad and his dd persona also reminds me too much of 2015 depressed dan than whatever high concept he was going for lol, im just not a dd fan). like wad changed his relationship with us and its warming my entire heart when i see dan smile so much now. he deserves to be happy and proud. and if dan deserved it after going through so much and coming out on top (literally), then i deserve it too. and phil? i love how he's just so confident now. fuck. (literally). he is not the innocent nerd anymore like he actually is fully really himself now and feels comfortable in his body (crop top, phlonde, etc) and openly expressing his sexuality ! even compare this phil to phil from the beginning of the hiatus!! he got so much more confident and relaxed since then!! like fully, really, if he can do it, if he can strip himself of the persona that ppl have attributed to him because of his anxiety, then i can do that too. im so proud of phil. he is an inspiration and the more he's being himself publically with no shame, the more an autistic phannie will feel hopeful for their future. im so proud of both of them.

like its crazy you go through your life thinking you're going nowhere and never making any progress and will never reach your goals but then you stop and look back what you were like 6 months ago and realise how many lives you have lived since then. it always goes back to BIG when dan said this:

[...] I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that's it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we've dreamed of. I want anyone that's ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side.

this everyone, changed my life. and i will never be able to thank dan enough for it, no matter how much i pay for tour tickets, how often i watch their videos or share my love for them on here. i just want to mention this because its never just 'light entertainment', it means the world to many of us and we have build a wonderful and loving community despite the hardships of the past and pointless discourses of the present. like, we can change shit for ourselves because we see these gay idiots do it who have done soooo fucking much in the last 15 years like they were on radio 1 and on a hollywood billboard and hosted various big big events. and yet, they decided they want to use their time to do things for themselves and their community. they have said many times that they havent made a profit from (parts of) their tours but they do it regardless. they do really love us and i dont think ive ever really felt loved by people who i was in a fandom for like that. its really not as parasocial as it might seem anymore. we got here together and we should be proud of that. i love dnp and i love you phannies so much !! 💕💕💕💕💕

[smokszyvverstar]

I dont care if nobody cares, i need to ralk about my girlies (and Luca)

Left is Luca, Middle is Esmé, Right is Marina

Two young pokemon living in the big city of Castelia, when a freshly fired Esmé finds an unconscious amnesiac Luxio.

In a desperate attempt to find out more about Luca's past, and to earn some money, the three of them follow Marina's childhood dreams of becoming a rescue team.

Marina (left) and Esmé (right) have been friends since they were little pups. They moved together to the big city from a small town in search of opportunities. Marina is a passionate young woman who is driven by her curiosity for the history that has been lost. Esmé, however, just wants to make it to the weekend.

-☕️🔮Esmé🔮☕️-

Esmé is a sassy, tired, sarcastic young woman. Her sense of humour is made entirely of rude remarks, but under all that is a loyal, kind soul that just wants to be understood for who she is.

She is a barista at a popular café chain. She hates it. But it pays the bills, and that's what matters. Until she loses the job that is

She is half Kalosan on her maman's side. You know something is bad when she starts swearing in her mother's tongue. Her dad is an Audino nurse. She inherited his heal pulse but not his stable career. Part of her fears he is dissapointed at this.

The Pokénerds among you will notice that Esmé has the male Meowstic fur colours. That's because she's trans

Before her egg cracked, she and Marina were childhood sweethearts. Even though they are exes, (and Esmé still has some feeling for Marina,) they are still extremely close friends

Esmé is sapphic, but she hasn't found love like Marina's yet. She's just happy her 'Rina is still in her life.

-📚🌊Marina🌊📚-

Although she is quiet when you first meet her, when she comes out of her shell, she is spunky and passionate. Her love of ancient history is what keeps her going.

She is a researcher in the Abyssal Ruins, working for and mentored by a Relicanth called Solomon. She loves her job

Esmé gave her her purple hair tie when they were just pups. Marina broke up with Esmé after she found that she couldn't think of her as her "girlfriend" and in the choice between "boyfriend" and "friend" she chose the latter. She still feels guilty about it. She wishes she wasnt straight.

Her sense of humour consists of wordplay and puns. And while she often scolds Esmé for her ruder remarks, shed be lying if she said Esmé isn't hilarious.

She loves going on long walks and jogs while listening to podcasts or video essays. The perks of being a modern PMD AU i suppose

-❔️Luca❔️-

He doesn't remember who or what he is

He was found unconcious by Esmé, and the girls took him in.

He is scared of water and confrontation, and he has a strong sense of justice. Perhaps these may be from his previous life?

He is quiet, often standing by the sidelines, taking everything in. He is more passive in his curiosity than Marina, but still enjoys learning new things.

He doesn't joke often, but when he does, they're quite funny. When asked if he heard the joke from somewhere, he forgets what he said entirely.

Mostly, his acrive recall is lost. He cant remember on command, but he sometimes says something and doesn't know why or what it means, that is if he remembers what he said at all.

[themindelectricdemo4]

While I was already so vulnerable, it came again, it went & left me in shreds

I think I lost a lot of value for my life now

I think of things that make me commonly happy. Pokémon, Splatoon, my dog Lola, my partner, I just feel nothing or horrible.

None of those of their own fault. I just wasn't made to live. Not this long.

I thought about so many words I've learned & how it just means nothing

When I think about those tiny things I realize I'm in that pit again

But right now I don't know if I want out

Has it really ever been better when I did?

Wouldn't I be doing this world a service if I just vanished?

No more money, or space, materials resources, I don't need them anymore

& to my poor partner, if I really am hurting him like I am told I am, then it would just be better if I was gone. But I can't leave him & be alive at the same time because he was it. He was one of my reason to be alive. I had a lot of stuff to live for, but one for one I've lost them. I can't have him feel like he has the burden of keeping me alive because that is a fucking horrid feeling.

I'm going to be alone in a dorm soon. Don't take this seriously. I don't know what I want to do. But I've lost so much hope. Really what little I had left. It felt like all my passion has burnt away. Even the piles of drugs I've been fed hasn't helped. I've been in therapy for years. Yes I have gotten better, but I've taken steps back, so many times that I don't think I'll ever reach the end or even a point where I will be truly, long term content.

So I don't have to anymore. I don't have to keep fighting, maybe. I feel like even my death would ultimately make more people happy than truly upset.

Terrible doesn't cut it..college was my last hope. I was excited, nervous, I even wrote on sui**** forums months ago tbat it might be my answer. I was on my last leg for months. I'm not standing anymore. I'm drowning. In blood. My own fucking blood. I wasn't ready for this blow. I thought it would be enough time for me to recover from the last but it wasn't.

& just because. I FEEL thus shit...DOESNT MAKE ME A VICTIM...I feel. Like when I express ..WEAKNESS over..things that made me sad, regardless of who was in the right, people think I think I'm the victim IM NOT IM NOT A FUCKING VICTIM I KNOW WHO RUINED MY LIGFE & IT WASNT THE PEOPLE WHO THINK IM VICTIMIZING MYSELF it was my mom it was my dad it was p*dos cheaters liars NONcensual assholes IT WASNT THEM & I JUST WANNA FUCKING SAY SORRY

IF I die. I don't have to feel this complicated shit anymore. I fucking hate when I do something horrible & it upsets someone. I'm SO FUCKING MAD AT MYSELF. & I'm SO SAD I HURT SOMEONE enough. To do whatever they did. it stings. I feel sadness over what people do. Decide to leave me. Not because I don't think it's justified. It's becausei feel horrible that they EVER had to feel that way in the first place BECAISE OF ME. It's MY FAULT. & I feel horrible for it. I'M NOT A VICTIM I FEEL GUILT I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT THAT IM LITERALLY TURNED INSIDE OUT EVERYDAY THAT MY MUSCLES & VEINS ARE EXPOSED

I'm not a victim. So do not feel bad for me. THIS ISNT FUCKING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY I just say what I mean. People think I'm trying to lie & mean the opposite. Ever so straightforward: I'm not a victim. Do not feel bad for me. Do not feel bad for me because I am not a victim.

Gods don't exist, people make them up in their head to give them a last desperate attempt at hope. My brain makes up shit to pull me down deeper.

Except Checkmate. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. But even so, I can't feel my happiest, I feel guilt with him, so fucking guilty. I feel guilty with Candi, so fucking guilty. It's neither of their faults. Please fuck if & when I leave this earth can they just know it was neither of their faults.

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm just saying my thoughts, therefore they aren't serious. As far as you're aware: this post could be a whole joke. & it might be, if this is reported anywhere, it's a joke & is a satirical take on someone who's proper lost their mind. Do not help me. I don't want help. I do not consent to help. Let me die. (A joke). Because it's the only way I can actually rest. (A JOKE.) I hope my last post is soon.

If people respect wills, consider me already dead, & listen to this:

- Do not help me. DO. NOT. HELP ME. Mental illness is so horrible. As deadly as physical illness. If a diseased patient cries of pain, horrid pain, & there's no hope they'll get better, they can have the plug pulled. Let it be the same for me, for my illness.

- Don't take my organs. What the fuck

- Either bury me in a coffin with a grave that says Hoko (my last name here) or don't bury me with a grave at all. Bury me with shrubbery in a forest with no coffin so that my flesh can disintegrate into the soil & give it nutrients

- Be nice to me before I'm buried.

[evierie-puur]

I don't want to make a finished art piece ever again, here's a sketch of Her <3

[kirschteinsj]

Pinky Promises

Nanami x fem! reader

Warnings: nothing too much! maybe language but overall just a bunch of fluff and lovey dovey stuff 

Word Count: 2.9k

Summary: Domestic Nanami and reader, just thinking about how much they love each other. sappy and cute stuff.

A/N: Hi! ^_^ Second time posting, I’ve had this one shot saved for a bit now! finally posting it lolz. I've noticed a lot of people have written domestic Nanami pics or drawn art, very glad society as a whole has this perception of him. it truly heals the soul I think. anyway, I hope u like this and sorry if there’s any grammar errors I wasnt able to catch U_U im thinking of doing a hc post next.... unsure hm, we’ll see ^_^!!

“I’m hooooome.” He says loudly as he steps through the apartment door, setting his briefcase down and taking off his beige coat. Putting down the grand kitchen knife she was using to chop up spinach, she rushed to the door with a smile and engulfed the tall blonde into a tight hug, saying hello. She took a deep breath, inhaling the soft scent of his cologne, the smell of something sour and musty soon taking over. Her face scrunched up and she let out a giggle.

“Oh god, Nanami, you stink, what did you go against today?”

“Nothing too bad. Just a grade 3,” He sighed “A smelly grade 3.” He sounded disappointed, probably because he knew he stunk too. Though the smell was horrendous, she still remained in his arms and he still held on just as tight.

“Are you tired? I was thinking of making dinner with you tonight but if you’re too tired I can-”

“No no. I’m fine. Just let me wash up and I’ll help out.”

“You sure?” She asked looking up towards him, questioning once more to reassure. He looked down and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

“I’m sure, dear.”

While he showers upstairs, she gets back to readying the ingredients so they could begin cooking their masterpiece as soon as possible. Tonight she had chosen chicken alfredo with a tossed salad; One could say it was her favourite, but saying that would imply that she would eat it when cooked and served by whomever. But to her, she would only eat it when it was him who had made it for her.

Y/n adored him. He adored her. To her, he was her light. She could simply not imagine life without him, not after he had come in and changed her in such a way. She never in a million years would have thought to be so in love with someone. To have known someone who cared enough to hear all about her day or listen to all her tangents, whether they made sense or not. Who listened to her talk forever about anything just so he could see the faint glow of passion in her eyes. Someone who remembered the small details in regards to the things she loved and the things she despised; Like how she hated the feeling of peanut butter on her fingers and how she absolutely admired the scent of fresh pages in a new book. Sometimes, she felt undeserving of him.

He admired her like no other. Never did he believe he’d be capable of opening up to anyone in such a way, at least not until she walked into his life. He could write a million lists, all full of everything he loved about her. The way she smiled cheekily at him after a witty remark, how she'd give every hug as if it was the last, the way she was oh so patient with him. It took him time to become vulnerable in the slightest, he just didn’t know how to do so without burdening her. She knew his job was hard, he’d told her. But rather than running away like he expected, she stayed with him right by his side. She refused to leave him over that. If anything, it made her want to stay more since she felt the need to be there for him. It felt like a punch to the gut but a good one. “So, is this love?” He had asked himself then. Nanami had someone who brought out the much more joyful side to him. At the end of the day, he knew he’d walk through the front door only to see her, arms wide open and with a big smile offering a cozy hug. She was his home. Sometimes, he felt undeserving of her.

Putting the final piece of broccoli into the container, she tidies any clutter and went back to their shared bedroom. Sinking into the bed and falling on it with a plush thump, she lets out a deep sigh mixed with some sort of a groan. She herself was exhausted from work too to say the least. She didn’t deal with curses or anything like that, but she did teach a class of 9 year olds which one could consider just as frustrating. Yawning, she checks her phone to read the time: 6:15 PM. Nanami hadn’t been in the shower for too long, a small nap wouldn’t hurt. Quickly, she settled for a little 30 minute nap. That way, she could get up soon enough to help him out in the kitchen and not abandon him to do everything on his own. She turns her phone off and slowly, her eyes shut.

…

Y/n slowly opens her eyes and notices a grey throw blanket placed on her, something that she doesn’t recall going to bed with earlier. “Must’ve been Nanami.” Grabbing her phone, she turns the screen on, wincing at the incredible blue light piercing into her skull. “Fuck.” she mumbles. Once her eyes adjust, she glances back at the screen for the time: 7:30.

“FUCK,” she says, voice croaking “I overslept.” With the speed of light, she leaves bed and runs down the hall to the bathroom to freshen up. She soon makes her way over to the kitchen silently, slightly ashamed and guilty. Y/n mumbles a whine with a frown, “He’s probably done making things now. I could have helped.”

The kitchen is filled with the delicate scents of sauces, cheese and herbs. She watches him from the door frame, admiring her boyfriend. He stood in front of the stove mixing at the sauce for the alfredo, which scent alone made her mouth water. Nanami seems to be in his own world, as he stands humming to himself softly, stirring the pot of sauce and adding in the broccoli and spinach, not seeming to notice y/n. With a final stir, he carefully sets the lid and turns to rinse his hands. Her gaze sits upon his figure, how his grey oversized shirt slightly clings to his shoulders and loosens as it goes down his body. Looking down, she noticed the bright red christmas pyjamas he had on, the ones with adorable little reindeers all over them. Grinning, she remembers how she had bought those for him. She purchased a matching set for the two of them and insisted on wearing them all day on Christmas last year. Nanami had responded to the idea with a stern “No” which left y/n in shambles. She didn’t expect him to agree, but hey, a girl can dream. However, on Christmas day, lo and behold, she had woken up to find Nanami sitting on the couch, watching the news with his reindeer PJs on. Immediately, she had attacked him with hugs and kisses and all Nanami did was sit there and accept them, secretly loving it the whole time.

A deep voice throws her out of her thoughts. “You know, it’s rude to stare, right?”

Y/n chuckles quietly and makes her way over, wrapping her arms around him from behind, snuggling into his back.

“I like to stare at you, you’re cute,” she breathes in his scent once again, “ah, you smell so much better now. Like the nami I know.”

“I am not cute. I am a grown man.”

“C’mon, you can’t possibly be saying that right now. Not while you’re wearing these pants.” She coos, gently patting his butt. He goes silent, refusing to rebuttal knowing that he’s lost. He leans against the counter, his front facing her. Though he didn’t say anything, y/n sees this as an open invite to his arms. The rope of his arms finds her waist this time, her arms in an embrace around his neck.

“Whatever, tell me, how was your day, hm?” He posed, changing the subject.

“Same old, yenno. The kids and I had a discussion today about drugs and safety. It was cute, hearing them rat out their neighbours for smoking cigs and talk about how yucky they thought alcohol is. It was… sweet. How was work for you, hon?”

“Shit.” He retorts, closing his eyes, “Work is shit.”

“Oh come ON, I’m sure it’s not always that bad, right? Say, how’s your friend doing, you know, the one who kinda looks like one of my makeup brushes! Isn’t he good company?”

“Yeah, if good company means having to deal with a nuisance to society on a daily basis then by all means, yes, Gojo is wonderful company.” He joked, loosening his grip on her and making his way over to the stove to check on his sauce. She follows, opening the first drawer and pulling out a silver spoon, “You’re so mean sometimes. I think he’s a great guy to be around! I met him once, such a flirt.”

He teases calmly, “If you love him so much, why don’t you get with him?”

Taking her spoon, she lowers it into the pot and brings it back up to her face, blowing on it carefully before she puts it to her lips to taste. “Hmm, I would. But I don’t think he’s as big as you. I’ll have to pass.” She smirked, putting the spoon into her mouth as he watched and sighed in disappointment.

He glares,“God, you’re something else.”

“I’m just kidding, babe.” Bringing her spoon down for another taste. He swats at her hand and she retreats it with a whine. “Don’t do that. You’ve tried it already, and will again when we get to eat.” He scolded tenderly, “Plus, you shouldn’t be given these privileges anyway. It’s not like you helped out or anything.” He smiled, teasing her.

“Nanamiiii, I’m sorry,” she whines, half laughing, “I promise, I was going to help! I just got a little bit sleepy and sort of lost track of time…” He turned over to her and lifted her face with a finger under her chin. Laughing, he delicately caresses her cheek, tapping it admirably with a curled finger. The blonde chuckles and looks her in the eyes, “I’m just joking with you, love. I know you’ve been tired lately, I can tell. Why haven’t you been resting?”

Her smile falls and she sighs. Y/n wrapped her arms around his waist and brought him into her, hiding her face into his chest. It was true, she was exhausted but she didn’t deem it to be anything so serious. Work was just heavy this past week from having to grade her students’ work in time for report cards. All she wanted was the best for her kids and was finding ways to get the kids out of their comfort zones enough to do well in class. That reminded her, Nanami also mentioned having a student of his own.

She takes her face out of his chest and glances upwards. “It’s just this week of work, I promise I’ll be back to normal soon. I’ve just been busy with lesson plans and activities, yenno. Anyway, speaking of students, how’s the one you’ve been assigned to?” She posed in a soft tone. Half smiling, he turned around to add the strained pasta to the sauce, scattering it into the pot.

“He’s special. Quite lively. And cheerful. He reminds me of you sometimes,” his voice strains as he stretches to grab the bowl of cooked chicken to finally add into the pot, finishing the meal, “He’s got potential.” Y/n beamed with happiness. Nanami really seemed to like this kid and if he thought you had potential, then it sure as hell meant you had it.

She lets out a squeal, “EEEEEEK!!! That sounds amazing! I’m so happy for you!” Nanami suppressed a laugh and rolled his eyes, “It’s not that-”

“This calls for a drink, don’t you think?” She babbled with excitement, “We should have some wine! Right?”

Grabbing her wrist as she skipped her way over to the bottle, he reminded her, “You have school tomorrow. You always end up having more than needed and struggle to wake up in the morning.” Y/n frowned at his words, to which he noticed and tried to fix, “Tomorrow’s Friday, you can drink plenty tomorrow, hm? I’ll drink with you.”

“Ugh, fine. You’re right. But you have to promise.”

“I promise you ca-”

“No! You have to pinky-promise.” She demanded, pouting as he stuck out her pinky finger.

His heart skips a beat. Was she always this cute? Her angelic eyes stare into his tired ones. Bottom lip poking out, awaiting Nanami’s pinky to interlock with her own. He knew she took pinky-promises very seriously despite her grown age. It was among one of the many petty details that he cherished. Something about this pinky-promise was enough for her to ensure trust onto someone, it made him laugh. Her naivety is what made her so kind hearted, what allowed her to see the best in people. He felt that this naivety is why they’re together to begin with. He didn’t ever think she’d give him a chance. He reminisced of their first few encounters. The way she did her hair back then, the way she dressed, her shy smile and how she’d look at the floor whenever she’d blush. Maybe it was her timid nature that made him fall head over heels for her. Or maybe it was her generosity. Perhaps her beauty. He was unable to simply confine the reasoning for his infatuation with just a few traits. She grew overtime, more comfortable and less shy, she was more confident around him but he knew he could still make her blush so badly that she’d have to hide her face from him. He enjoyed their banter, her company. He felt it was luck. Or maybe it was fate. Who knows. He didn’t want to think so much about it. He wanted to live in the moment, adore her in this present time. In that instance, he felt the strong urge to kiss her. And so he did.

The kiss was short and sweet, yet full of an unfathomable amount of love. It took her aback, she didn’t quite see it coming. She too stood in the present moment, then and there, cherishing the man she loved.

His lips leave hers and he extends the smallest finger on his hand, declaring, “I pinky-promise.” And a ginormous grin washes over her face. In a whisper, she squeals and scoops her arms around his torso, resting her head onto his chest. They stay like this for a while, not too long really, but to them it felt like an eternity being in each other’s affectionate embrace. He goes to speak and she feels the vibrating boom of his voice make his way up from his chest.

“I love you.”

She sighs, “I love you too.”

Turning her head, y/n smoothly gets on her tip toes and clasps her arms around his neck, giving it a tender kiss and attempting to make a trail leading up to his sharp jaw. Catching onto her tactics he laughs, putting his big hand against her face and pushing her back.

“Seriously?” He chuckles, “You couldn’t wait till after dinner? Come on, take out the plates.”

“Wait for what? I was just kissing you! You’re so dramatic, Nami.” She lies, playing innocent. She knew damn well what she was trying to do. She wasn’t going to admit to it though. Taking out the plates and utensils, she readied the table.

…

After dinner and meaningless conversation, the two lovers tidied and headed towards their room. “Do yo wana wah a mohee tomowwow nie?” Y/n proposed from the bathroom as she brushed her teeth. He perks his head up, confused, “Do I want to what?” She spat into the sink and rinsed her mouth, repeating her question.

“I said, do you wanna watch a movie tomorrow night? Like at home? There’s this documentary I saw on Netflix, it looks really good! It’s crime related.”

“That sounds fine with me. Though, that’s only possible if you don’t end up drinking too much. I always have to get you to sleep early when you drink.” He states nonchalantly, nose poked into a thick book. She rolls her eyes and smiles, “I promise I won’t drink all that much.” Shifting his book to the opposing hand, Nanami silently takes his pinky finger and holds it out to y/n. She snickers and reciprocates.

“You’ve now pinky-promised. Don’t break it, y/n.”

“I never do.”

The nightstand lamp illuminates the room with a soft yellow glow. Shadows of objects on the nightstand hang on the walls. Laying in bed on her phone, y/n turns over to Nanami, who was still reading his book. “Nami, come lay next to me, I wanna cuddle. Please?” Her voice faint. He looks down at her and puts his book away immediately. He could use a cuddle too. Bringing himself down, he lays on his back, y/n closing the gap between the two. Their legs intertwine, her arm and head resting on his chest while one of his hands rested on her bum, the other dotingly playing with her hair. Neither of them spoke a word for a while. Until y/n broke the silence.

“So, were there no other pairs of pants you had left to wear or-”

“Please, be quiet.”

[liquidstar]

something the latest chapter of kaguya-sama made me realize is just how much better all of the characters are doing in their lives now because of their friendships with each other, and i just think thats so sweet.

kaguya herself used to be absolutely miserable and never smile, but then chika made her be her friend and miyuki made her join the student council and over time she became so much more open and happy, you really see just how important all her friends are to her when she’s afraid that she might lose all the pictures of them she’s taken, they absolutely melted this former ice queen’s heart. through the series she gets more and more warm and acts more like a typical happy girl. the ending song for the second season also makes it really obvious that she sees her friends as her happy place, an escape from her terrible home life, she really does love them so much. in the latest chapter she makes it so clear that her friendship with chika is just as important to her as her relationship with miyuki, and that the only reason she didn’t tell her was that she was afraid chika would be mad that she has a new special person in her life, but because chika loves her friend so much she’s nothing but happy to see her finally have more special people in her life too.

and miyuki of course has gotten a lot better when it comes to accepting his flaws and not seeing himself as a failure, he only ever initially drops this facade around chika who becomes sort of like, a mom friend to him, and since a lot of his issues stem from his mom abandoning him its really important for him to see that not everyone will. and later on its much more directly addressed between him and kaguya he becomes much more able to be happy with who he is and not push himself so much or be afraid that people will leave him for not being perfect. not to mention his friendship with ishigami who he actually confides a lot of his issues in, despite the fact that he gets his relationship advice from manga, but the scene of them laying down under the tree and just talking, while very funny, is still a really sweet moment. his relationship with kei is also very big, because thats his sister, but he also sort of fills the role their mother usually would have for her. and though she’s annoyed by it, its really important for her because its implied that when she was with her mom she wasnt exactly treated well, she ran away to be with her father and brother for a reason, and kaguya was the one that actually gave her the strength to do so so it all comes back full circle. 

but chika has her own issues too, she seems like a very simple character, a typical genki girl. but she was a musical prodigy as a child, winning award after award. and yet she was so unhappy with that very ridged life, she had no freedom and all she did was practice. you can see it in her eyes in the flashbacks, despite the praise and trophies her eyes were were so dead and she was so different from the happy carefree chika we know. but then kaguya sort of became the straw that broke the camel’s back that forced her to quit, and it wasnt really out of kindness at first, but their friendship ultimately is what made her become the chika we know, the one who loves to laugh and play, its like she’s making up for lost time and finally getting to be a kid with all her friends. she is very much the gifted child who lost her childhood because of it, but she’s so much happier now. not to mention her friendship with the table-top board game club! its not given as much focus but you can really see her thrive in something she’s truly passionate in now, she loves making games and playing them with her friends!

ishigami’s whole thing can be pretty heavy, its played off as a joke at first but he legitimately is explicitly suicidal, but hes able to get better with the power of friendship. miyuki was very literally portrayed as a light coming into his life when he first enters his room to save him from his isolation. even before that though, miko also helped him, even if he didnt realize it, she was the one that advocated for him not to be held back a year which prompted the student council to look into his case and help him too. he has to get over a lot of his anxieties, at first he’s even afraid of kaguya, but he warms up to her over time too and they develop a pretty sweet relationship with her as his sort of tutor. and very critically, he joins the cheer squad. he actually put himself out there and made “normie” friends and it turns out it wasnt so scary after all. and his crush on tsubame is so important, because she rejects him, but they stay friends. he never once feels like she owes him anything or “friendzoned” him, even if it hurt to be rejected he wanted to be friends. she was really afraid of losing her friend that she loves so much, those feelings of platonic love arent in any way seen as lesser. and she helps him in the end by making sure the school knows that hes actually a nice guy and that means the world to him. theyre still friends and that relationship is important to both of them.

similarly though, ishigami also helped miko before they were even friends without her realizing it. he saw how much she was struggling with the constant bullying and decided to leave her a note to tell her that it gets better, and it was an incredibly important thing that stuck with her for a long time. their entire relationship is defined as “two people who secretly help each other” because theyre both hold such high personal morals that they dont expect good deeds to have to be pointed out or repaid. and then when she ran in the election, miyuki helped her get over her stage fright so people wouldn’t make fun of her anymore, and because he’s such a nice guy he even offered her a seat in the student council where she’d make a bunch of new friends, and despite going through sort of a rough patch she’s still ultimately far more confident than she’s ever been and she’s absolutely ready to become the president next year now, finally achieving her goal. and her relationship with miyuki becomes very sweet as they develop their relationship in the “senpai-kun and kohai-chan” chapters where they just bond as friends, often through her weird emo poetry but he supports her despite being terrified of it. 

hayasaka is one of the most loaded characters in the series despite not being in the student council. the arc that focuses around her is even titled “ai hayasaka’s friends” because they’re what help her out of her situation. since she was a child she was used as a pawn by the shinomiya family, not unlike kaguya herself, and she considers kaguya to be like her precious little sister. but she’s also been manipulated into betraying kaguya by becoming a spy for her abusive family. and the amount of guilt she feels over it is so painful to watch, but she’s too afraid to do anything about it. when kaguya finally finds out, she’s not instantly forgiven, but for the first time in kaguya’s life she wants to forgive someone who betrayed her, and they talk it out, and they can finally become proper friends just like they always both dreamed of. her friendship with miyuki is interesting too, because they have a clash of ideals about not letting your “true self” be seen by people, because they wont love you anymore, and despite miyuki arguing against it, it very much is an idelogy he shared at the time. but when she finally does show her true self she’s loved, and in the valentines chapter she confesses to him, not out of love, but out of friendship. she asks him to be her friend, and her circle of friends just grows from there with all her facaudes dropped.

all of their arcs just play into the greater overall theme of the series, which just comes down to honesty and vulnerability with the people youre close to, the series may be a romance but it places such important emphasis on all its characters relationships and how they can make each other better, its so nice. theyre just friends and they care each other. 

[voltagesmutter]

Jealously Head-Cannon: Gavin

Jealousy head-cannon with birdcop

*Smut and NSFW*

Did Gavin get jealous? Of course he did, this man loves you, he worships the very ground you walk on so when he sees someone trying to entice what is his, he loses all respectable manners.

‘Gavin!’ You giggled, as he pressed butterfly kisses over your face as he held you close as you stood on the step above him in front of your work. ‘I’ll miss you’ The blush on his cheeks at his words, melting your heart. ‘Promise to come home safe to me’ You whispered, wrapping your arms around his neck as you press a kiss to his lips. The actions sent Gavin’s heart racing, the thought of your apartment being home to him, know when he comes back from his mission you’ll be there waiting. It almost stops him from leaving, but another action stops him entirely. Victor. The CEO gawked at your affection, making a tutting noise followed by ‘This is a professional environment’, as he stopped along the stairs. You blushed pulling away from Gavin, giving him a small wave, knowing Victor was waiting for you. He placed a hand over your shoulder, guiding you away from Gavin and into the building, conversing yourself with Victor over your latest report. As you enter the building a voice calls out to you, Gavin pushing past people and pulling you away from Victors clasp, holding your shoulders tight at he presses his lips against yours. A faint ‘I love you’ falls from his lips as he pulls back, the first time he had proclaimed his love to you, the love radiating from his eyes as he gazes into yours. A responding ‘I love you too’ as your lips re-meet, in a slight frenzy before a heavy cough pulls you back to where you are, the lobby of your work, your CEO and colleagues witnessing your passionate moment. Gavin holds your hands, pressing a kiss to them before leaving, a heavy glow of red on both of your cheeks. Unable to shake the smile from your face all day, comments on how you practically glow, all because of three words and a loving action. Gavin had planned on telling you he loved you since you first started dating but was waiting for an appropriate time, seeing you being pulled away from him in the arms of another man was too pure to bear. The adrenaline pumped through him as he watched Victor’s hand grip over your shoulder, taking you with him, he felt like he was losing you to the billionaire’s grasp. He hated Victor with every inch of his body, most likely because he would be able to provide for you in ways Gavin couldn’t, a lavish lifestyle of luxury. But Gavin had something better, Gavin was prepared to give you his heart in your hands. Dashing after you, the thought of going on another mission without telling you how he felt was too much, he needed you to know. The response was not what he expected, although it made his heart explode, in all the scenarios in his head you had never reciprocate his feelings. The pulse of his heart never slowed the whole of his mission away, all he focused on was getting home to his love.

Gavin normally has his jealously under wraps, but when it comes to his younger brother Shaw? He throws all caution to the wind. 

Visiting the live house a few hours before a live set by Shaw and his band, you and Gavin enjoy the peaceful time together, it was rare for you both to be free at the same time. So when Gavin returned from the bar with bottles of water to see you on the sofa between Shaw’s legs as he wrapped his arms of your shoulders, guiding your hands to pluck the bass in time to the notes he sung, shit hit the fan. ‘Look Gave!” You beamed so innocently, looking up for the bass guitar, Shaw following with a smirk behind your shoulder ‘Look bro’. His fists clenched the bottles of water so hard that water squirted out of the opening, the bottle lid pinging of Shaw’s forehead with a force, no apology muttered on his behalf. ‘Come on, I need your help’ Gavin tugged your hand, pulled you from between his brother's legs and kept a tight grip on you as he led you down the corridor. ‘Gave?’, ‘Gavin where are we going?’ You asked as your boyfriend led you in silence, kicking open a storage cupboard door and pulling you inside with him. “Don’t ever let him touch again,” His voice pleaded, as he pushed you against the racking inside, his body flushed against your pinning you in place. “Gavin it wasnt-!” Your sentence cut off as his lips pressed against your with a more demeaning roughness than normal. His hands gripped at your waist, grinding his body against yours as his tongue poked out to glide over your lips. The green envy that glinted across his normal kind eyes, the envy of seeing you with Shaw’s arms around you, the smug smirk on the pricks face burned in Gavin’s head. All he wanted to do was erase it with the image of your face twisted heavily in pleasure with his name on your lips. The boldness of Gavin the man who blushed when you still held his hand in public, regardless of the amount of times you had sex, sent pooling waves of arousal directly to your core. His knee pushed between your thighs, the grinding of him against your panties as your skirt bunched up around your waist, the wetness seeping through to mark his jeans. ‘Gavin please’ you whimpered as his mouth latched to your neck, fingers dipping below your shirt to fondle your breasts under your skin. Your fingertips sinking into his shoulders as a hand left your shirt to press against the core throbbing beneath your panties, a stifling groan from Gavin at the dampness of them. Two slender fingers slip under the material, running against your folds before thrusting into you, the high-pitched moan from you captured by Gavin’s mouth. He skill-fully worked his fingers inside you, the gasping pants from you as you clawed at his shirt, wanting and needing more from him. “Gavin!” The wanting moan that fell from you as your head fell back against the racking with a slight clang, muscles clenching over his digits was his snapping point. Hoisting you up, undoing his belt before dropping his jeans and boxers, throwing your legs around his waist as he took both your hands in one of his large hands and pinned them above your head against the racking. An ‘I love you’ fell from him before thrusting into you, the angle sending withering waves inside you as he ploughed deep into you. Lips meeting to keep the moans of both of you within the tiny area, although he wouldn’t care if anyone heard at this point, he wanted everyone, Shaw, to know you was his. Each thrust filled hitting perfectly inside you, the motion shunted against the railing making it knock against the wall, neither of you caring as you got lost in each other's pleasure. The falling of his name on loop from your lips as your muscles clenched, releasing over him, it was enough for Gavin to reach his own release. His head buried against your neck as you both came down from your highs, legs tightly pulling Gavin as close as you physically could, sweet words of love being shared between you. The arm around your waist held you still until you was able to stand by yourself, Gavin’s hand releasing yours as it snaked up your thigh, tugging at your now ruined panties before removing them in one swipe. He shoved them into his back pocket as he helped you to your feet, helping to smooth your hair down but it was extremely obvious you had just been thoroughly fucked. Wrapping an arm around your waist, a smile plastered on his face as he guided you both out of the cupboard, luckily no-one around. You both giggled bashfully as you walked down the corridor, Shaw passing by you ‘Oh we was just looking for you both’, Gavin ignoring him as he continued to guide you away. Shaw’s smirk widened as he turned to see the red lace poking out of his brother's back pocket, the slight tremble of your legs as you walked away, knowing very well what his brother had just been doing. The message from Gavin’s action to stay clear away from his girl. 

Your responding feelings of jealousy?

Gavin was so charming he didn’t realise the effect he had on other women, especially those who worked in his office, all of them fawning over the god in human form. The politeness and subtle ways he would laugh at their jokes, not realising their attempt of flirting with him, the man was positively clueless. But this was because he was so head over heels in love with you he simply saw no-one else. One day when you visit him at work, a young trainee was leaning over his desk, you caught ‘I just hope if anything ever happened to me, I would have a big strong man like you to rescue me’. The blush forming on his cheeks as it brushed it off ‘I’m sure anyone would help to see a struggling girl in need,”. You casually walk in before she can say another word, ‘Excuse me but this big strong man has a lunch meeting with his girlfriend’ heavy emphasis on girlfriend, the young girl scattering. You pouted playfully at your boyfriend, sitting on his desk as he leaned into you, wrapping his arms around your waist. ‘I don’t like it when they flirt with you’ You pout, Gavins heart warming chuckle filling his office, ‘No-one flirts with me’. You wanted to slap the man silly. ‘Gavin they all do! It’s clear as day’ You stick your bottom lip out more. ‘Now what is going with you’ He teases, moving his face closer, the glint in his amber-eyes meeting yours. ‘I just- your mine and I think they need to know that’. The officer shakes his head with a smile, ‘I don’t care what anyone else see’s or thinks, I only see the most beautiful woman in the world sitting in-front of me’ his words sending a raging blush over your face. This man. You grasp his shirt and pull him forward, your lips pressing against each other, you was determined to show this man how much you truly loved him. Clothes quickly disappearing, you straddled his lap as his hands held your lower back as you lowered yourself onto his throbbing member. Working in a quick pace, bouncing over him as your hands tangled in his hair, lips and tongues furiously working with each other in his locked office, the working force outside forgotten about. You came first, the twitching of your core send Gavin following seconds later, your head resting against his heaving chest. ‘I love you so much’ fell from his lips as he pressed kisses to your sweaty forehead, you basking in your afterglow, knowing the man who held you so close was the only man ever for you. 

[iunatiqe]

HEATHER — j. potter

“ i wish i were heather “

pairing: james potter x gn! reader

warnings: i’m not entirely sure if this is all gender neutral because it was not gonna be posted originally, so let me know if it’s more fem than anything!! 

word count: 1,663

     THE VERY strong infatuation that james had for lily was long lasting, and definitely nothing he could be blamed for. she was a beautiful girl. she was kind to others, but she definitely wasnt afraid of getting into an argument of defense for herself or her friends. everyone thought of her as some perfect angel, even i couldn’t help to admire her. 

      the only thing that i could find myself resenting her for was the way james felt for her, even then it wasn’t her fault. she hadn’t asked for him to fall in love with her, in fact it seemed like she resented james entire being. that didn’t mean that i didn’t catch the way she’d smile and laugh with her friends afterwards, or the way her eyes lit up when james walked up to perform a dramatic display in hopes of her agreeing to go with him on a single date. the way she let him down, leaving him disappointed made me want to hex her every day until graduation.

      because not only did it hurt to see james sulk, but to sulk over a girl that didnt care for him as much as i did hurt even more. i constantly assured him that any person in the entire wizarding world would be lucky to have him. 

      “i don’t want anyone else. i love lily.”

       everytime he lashed out with that sentence was a knife in my heart, but i couldn’t let him know how much it hurt me. he was the one in need of my comfort and if i let him know then our friendship would be over as a whole and that would hurt more. at least by letting him try for lily, maybe he’d end up happy. that’s all i wanted for him, even i wouldn’t be the one making him so.

      at this very moment, i was sat in a hidden crevice of the library with remus lupin. remus was a very close friend of mine, which is why i was currently venting to him about my feelings for james because i knew he wouldn’t tell. i was wiping consistent tears that spilled out of my eyes and dropped in cheeks with my sweater. a sweater that used to be james before he grew out of it, he told me i’d look better in it and told me that i could wear it to all his quidditch games to show my support for him. 

       there was actually a quidditch match starting very soon, but when i wasn’t early to the gryffindor stans as i usually was- remus began to search for me, leaving us in our current situation. i sniffed once more, wiping away the rest of my tears and gave my friend a sad smile which he returned, leaning forward and hugging me and i wrapped my arms around him. 

       “we should get going,” i mentioned to him, my voice muffled against his chest but i could feel him nod. “don’t want anyone else to worry.” i finished, pulling away slightly to look up at him. “thank you, remus.” 

       and i meant it, now that remus knew, i felt so much better about facing james because now i didn’t have to do it alone because i knew remus would look out for me, and be there for me when i inevitably get my heart torn apart for good. the pair of us walked aimlessly for a while so i didn’t look like i had just bawled my eyes out before we made our way to the quidditch fields, walking up the lengthy stairs to the tower that was decorated in red and gold in spirit of the gryffindor house, the emblem representing the house proudly worn by all the students watching the match as they yelled and cheered.

        the match had already begun by the time we were there so we quickly found seats, luckily sirius had stayed seated and managed to keep two spots for us open. i thanked him as i sat down, turning to face the players on the pitch. i was glad that sirius didn’t ask where the two of us had been, though he’d probably ask remus later. when i looked out onto the field, i could see james on his broom and him glance over at me. my heart stopped and it felt like time had as well, i gave him the best grin i could and a thumbs up for good luck though he always insisted he didn’t need it. 

      he frowned and looked away to focus on the game, it wasn’t like him to get distracted to begin with. it was widely known how passionate james potter was when it came to quidditch. his frown made my guys twist uncomfortably in my stomach, that means that he’d noticed that i’d been late and he’d ask me about it later. that made me want the gryffindor team to win more, if there was a party afterwards then maybe i could slip away unnoticed by him.

      the match only lasted an exact 54 minutes, gryffindor came out victorious. i was proud of the team that my best friend belonged to, but my anxiety was still coursing heavily in my veins and i felt lightheaded at the thought of facing james after pouring my heart out to remus about how in love with him i secretly was. my idea of completely avoiding the celebration tonight was thrown out the window when sirius had basically begged me to make an appearance and i couldn’t say no to him. especially when he didn’t fully understand why i would want to avoid it, he was always just wanting everyone to have a fun time and never wanted his friends to miss out on something he’d consider to be fun. i promised the boys i’d see them later and head back to my own dorm before james could meet up with the group.

- GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM -

     i stood in a crowded corner of the loud gryffindor common room, rubbing my eyes tiredly with one hand and clutching a cup of water in my other. i examined the room, sipping quietly only to almost choke when someone harshly bumped into me. i coughed and quickly turned to look at whoever had done it only to be met with the flushed face of the one person i wanted to avoid. judging by his appearance i could tell that he had gotten ahold of some firewhiskey that sirius usually snuck into these type of events.

      “what do you want james?” i asked after a while of him just staring at me. “so, you and remus. eh?” he immediately sprung out, making my eyes widen. that was the last thing i expected to be brought up and the last thing i wanted to talk about with the boy i was in love with: being with another boy. i began to shake my head in denial, but he leaned forward until our noses were almost touching which made a giant lump grow in my throat. 

      “i saw you two come late to the match.” he clarified, “what, were you two getting it on and lost track of time? i won’t tell.” he whispered with a joking tone near the end, i could feel his hot breath against my face. i used my free hand to push him back, making him stumble lightly with a laugh, as if it were some joke to him. some game. 

      “james, you’re drunk.” was the only thing i could think of saying, anything to get him off the subject for now. he rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand to pull me towards him again but i ripped my hand from his making him pout.

      “james, stop acting like a child and leave me alone. i don’t want to talk to you until you’ve sobered up.” 

      “oh, come on, love! you’re not gonna let yourself have any fun? no wonder you’re sleeping with remus, you two can be so boring.” he joked a little too loudly, his tone made a few heads turned our way and i could feel my face heat up at the attention as well as the implications. i scoffed and pushed him out of my way, i didn’t want to argue with him when he wasn’t in the right state of mind. 

      i made my way half way across the room to the couches, occupying the space next to sirius and remus. i flashed them both a smile so i wouldn’t sour their good time, i glanced to the side to where i had left james but he was already gone. i placed my cup on the table in front of me, no longer wanting it. i brought my hands to my lap, fiddling with my fingers anxiously. 

      after a while of sitting silently between the two boys i called my friends, i leaned over and told remus that i’d be heading back to my dorm and he nodded in understanding. sirius was busy chatting up some girl, as usual, so i sent him a wave as i stood up to leave. i crossed my arms across my chest protectively as i walked through the crowd towards the exit.

      i had finally made it when i heard cheers and screams from behind me, i flinched and turned around to see what i could of possibly missed that made the entire room go wild and my heart dropped as my eyes landed on the scene. on top of a table, stood lily and james with their lips locked. i could feel my throat lock up and my eyes began to blur with tears as i stared up at them. i wiped my eyes quickly and turned to leave, the last thing i could notice was how she was wearing his sweater, making the one i was wearing feel so much heavier.

[arthurflecksgirl]

<3  *Arthur imagines his first date <3

* Lost diary pages*

Arthur writes about how he imagines his first date to be, rips the pages out of his diary and sends a message in a bottle :-)

Some cute fluff for you all :-)

It`s a cold evening in Gotham city. Its feels like the dead of summer. You walk though the park, kicking the fallen leafes beneath your cold feet. It has been a long day. A long month, year. Life even. You feel tired, trying to understand why you are even here in this city full of ignorant people. If only you had someone on your side that understands how lonely the world can be, when you`re inside of your own mind all the time.

You moved here years ago and still haven`t found someone to talk to. You think about leaving this place if nothing changes. You`re looking for a sign. Something that keeps you going.

There is a little kitten by the river. "Hey there little friend, feelin lonely,too?" it  meows and  runs away. And just as you want to turn your back, you see something in the water. A bottle. But there is something in it.

"A message in a bottle" you whisper to yourself as you pick it up. It looks like has been there for some months. But its easy to open. You sit down at a bench, starting to read:

"Today I sat there on a park bench in Gotham city, after I got out of the pharmacy. The sky was getting dark, you could tell that its going to rain soon. But I didnt wanted to go back to my dark apartment, so I just sat there, watching people. Made some observations. I need it to write in here. I need it for more jokes.

But what I noticed today wasnt a joke. It was love. And love is a very serious subject to me. I take human connection very seriously. Because I never experienced it. And I really want to. Some days it really hurts me inside, when I see couples laughing together. LAUGHING TOGETHER. What sounds so simple, SEEMS so simple to others is out of my reach. Laughing is something that I really dont know nothing about. Though I laugh so often. Because I have to. Because it won`t leave me alone to cry. I laugh but the truth is I don`t. I can`t remember a time it was a real, heartfelt laugh. I don`t even know how to do it. Sometimes I try to fake it. When I`m at Pogos or with the guys from Haha`s. But I can tell from the way they look at me that they know there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should stop trying to fit in. I try to fit in all the time. Every day... but it doesnt seem to work. Except when there are kids around. Thats why I love them. Kids seem to SEE me.

And then...the other word TOGETHER. There has to be more than one person to create a together. And I am always alone. I don`t know why. Its not like I didnt try to make friends. I really did. But they don`t feel comfortable around me. Even Hoyt told me so. I don`t know why everyone is so rude. I only want to make people happy. I really do. But thereis no "laughing together" for me. Only crying alone.

So, I was sitting there on the bank and there was this couple. She was looking at him, laughing. I bet he told her a really good joke. And she looked at him in a way no one ever looked at me and they kissed. Holding on to one another.

I always imagined how it would feel like being kissed. The moment right before your lips are touching must be the most beautiful feeling in the world. I imagin it to be very exciting to have someone elses lips pressed against yours. To circle your tongue around another and to taste the other person entierly. I dream about kissing the girl next door a lot. Her name is Sophie and she is beautiful. I bet she is a really good kisser. Her lips look so soft. I wish I could just knock on her door, take her face between my hands and kiss her passionately. But the truth is I barely dare to look her in the eyes when we meet at the hallway.

But yeah. this couple on the streets really made me think about what it would be like to have someone to love.To make love to someone.

I consider myself a romantic. And I played this like a thousands of times in my head. I`m 35 now and I guess it will never happen. But I like to dream about it. Who knows, maybe someday someone will SEE me the way I am. Maybe some day a nice girl will laugh at my jokes and take me in her arms. I would love to dress up in some decent clothes for her. I usually wear my old, faded jacket and my blue pants. The ones that look too baggy on me. But actually I like to dress nicely. Especially for special occasions. It just barely happens.I would put on some cologne. Not the one I use when I go to Pogos, I would buy a new one, because my mother uses the same bottle and that`s a bit strange, right? I would definitaly buy a new one I think the girl would like. I just found one I loved but it was too expensive and I couldnt afford it. Whatever, no one would have noticed the new cologne on me anyway.

And on our big date...I would do something with my hair. Maybe I would wear it slick back. I noticed that people like that a lot. I would like to go to the theatres with her. Oh that would be nice. Watching some comedy together. She would teach me what a real laugh feels and sounds like. I bet she could do that. And I wouldnt have to act strangely around her anymore, because the laugh would come NATURALLY.  So she could feel comfortable around me,too.

Thats my biggest fear, that the girl wouldnt feel comfortable around me. I would try my best to make her feel LOVED. After our date I would walk down the streets with her, holding hands. I always loved the idea of hoding hands. Its like a little commitment. You are mine. I really love the time we spent together. Thats what it says. At least I think so.

I would take her home with me. It would be a little bit embarrassing to show her the apartment but ...anyway... MUSIC!

Music is really important when it comes to the perfect date. Its like the heart of everything. I would put on some nice, music. I have LOTS of really great records and I´m a good dancer, so this wouldnt be a problem. Maybe some Sinatra. And...I imagin asking her to dance with me, offering her my hand and she would smile and we start dancing through the living room...Oh I would light up some candles before that. The apartment is quiet dark so we could need a bit of light. And candle light is always a good idea. Girls appriciate it and it makes me feel comfortable,too.

I would try to get closer to her while dancing. It would be the perfect moment for my first kiss. I could even pick a song for my first kiss, when I think about it now. This could be planned out so perfectly.

Thats why I always play it in my head over and over again... If it happenes some day, I`m prepared.  And I have to be prepared because I`m a virgin.

I just hope she wouldnt notice that I never kissed someone before. That would be the most embarrassing thing. I know I can be SHY.

Not even to mention other things like having sex.

I dream about this A LOT. I keep pictures in here. Of girls I think are attractive and other stuff. I like to draw a lot. But thats all nothing compared to what a real girlfriend would feel like to have in my arms.

I imagin sex to be not just a way to satisfy your own desires. I imagin it to be something that really connects you to the other person and to life itself. I always feel depressed after touching myself. I guess this would be different with having someone in your arms afterwards,too. I try to imagin the sensation of  two bodies melting into one another. To be SEEN and to be FELT by another person. I think its impossible to UNSEE the person that you have sex with. My future  girlfriend will look me in the eyes and I hope she will be able to realize my true self. That I`m a good guy. And she will tell me so. She would feel me with all her senses. Calling out my name between the kisses, begging me to sleep with her. Begging me to fullfill all her desires. And I would. God yes, I would make all her desires come true. Try the best to please her. I think I  could be a great boyfriend.

I would buy my girlfriend flowers,too. I love flowers. I love how soft to the touch they are and the fact that they smell so nice. Like girl`s shampoo. I would love to pick flowers and out them into her hair. I can imagin her happy face. A real laugh. Not like mine.

I`d love to have someone to cuddle with at night. Not only my pillows. It must be wonderful to feel the warth of another body on your own. The weight of someone elses body on yours.  I just want the emptyness to go away. This constant feeling of  emtyness, meaniglessness. I just don`t wanna feel so bad anymore.

Having someone to kiss my bruised back. To take care of my wounds when I got beaten up again. That would be wonderful.

I need to talk to someone about the thoughts inside of my head. All these thoughts. They`re enemys sometimes. I try to get them out of me by writing this journal, but this isnt enough. I need someone to really listen to me and I guess my future girlfriend could do that. Just listen, putting her arms around me, when I feel lost. That would be enough to make me feel better. I long for human contact so much. But no one cares.

My daydreams are the only thing I have left.Some days they feel so real, they become hallucinations. Dr Kane thinks I am delusional. But I know that these hallucinations arent real. I KNOW THAT I AM ALONE.

These dreams...are just for the moment. I make them real for a minute, maybe an hour or longer. But as soon as the daydream is done, I know that my mind just made it up. What difference does it make if Dr Kane belives me or not?  She doesnt care about me anyway. No one does.

Dr Kane thinks that love won`t heal me. That I am way too damaged to be healed. Thats what she said. What a rude bitch. I know I can be healed by love. I just feel it in my guts. I just want a family. Is this too much to ask for? I get that its too late to have a father but is it too late to find a girl who loves me for who I am?

Maybe it is. Maybe not.

If there is a 50/50 chance...I`ll take it !

50/50 is more than most people get in life.

I think I´m gonna rip those pages out of this journal and put them into a bottle.

I watched a movie a while ago and this guy put a letter with his adress into a bottle and thew it into the river. Years later this girl found it and wrote him a note.

I loved this idea of the constant hope that your letter will be noticed some day.

That I will be noticed someday.

Yeah... I will do it right now.

So if you read this and you think that my writing made any sense...

Here is my adress

Arthur Fleck

2250 Anderson Avenue

Apt 8J

Gotham city NJ

Gonna find a bottle and get to the river now.

There is no time to waste.... "

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @jokerhoe @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes @downtoclown-around @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker @casiaregina @check-out-this-joker @mrsjfleck @darknessisafriend @bring-your-holy-water @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown @yami-rhs @mrsjfleck @cmollica @mollyxlyla-rosex @widkkfowpqpsnanq @rhokie @neon-umbrella-for-stella @queenie70 @casiaregina @missmayx @these-written-reveries @cherrymoon75

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating John Bender

(Not my gifs)(Requested by anonymous)

(Some of these are sort of sad and mention abuse so warning to anyone who is uncomfortable with that subject matter)

- You met Bender in detention. When Vernon left all of you alone, he began to badger you about how you got there. Finally, you’d had enough and just told him the boring, slightly embarrassing truth: you were just late to class too many times.

- You shyly glanced over at him after you said it, only to find a small smirk on his face.

“Oh that’s adorable,” he said and you could feel your face turn hot. “No, that’s really cute. I mean it’s just so-”

“Alright Bender.” Andy interrupted. Bender glared and turned on the wrestler, something you were quite thankful for in the moment.

- Throughout the entire detention, he tried to get you to pay attention to him. He moved his seat next to yours, played with your hair, toyed around with how close you would let him get to you.

- For whatever reason you actually began liking him. Under all that dickhead behavior and dirty jokes he was actually entertaining …or maybe just hot.

- Later in the day, the two of you went through each other’s stuff. He told you about his girlfriends and you sort of lost your interest in him. And yet, he seemed to rope you back in every time he flipped his stupidly gorgeous hair. It was a ...confusing detention.

- After a few hours of flirtation, you finally agreed to one date. He didn’t really have a plan when the two of you met up but once you told him you’d never been to one, he took you to a demolition derby.

- You were surprised by how much fun you had with him. You were also surprised by how okay you were with; lightly, making out with him, pushed against a chain link fence after the show was over.

- As much as you enjoyed the time you spent with him, you couldn’t get it out of your head that he had other girlfriends. The idea of him going out after the two of you parted ways and fucking some other chick after kissing you, well, it made you sick. And so, you began to actively ignore and avoid him.

- He wasn’t a fan of your silent treatment. He’d tasted you, gotten so close to winning you over, and you’d pulled the rug out from under him for seemingly no reason at all. It riles him up, makes him think you’re completely insane and yet, he can’t just let you go and be the crazy bitch that you apparently are. He has to have you.

- Meanwhile, you trying to ignore how you feel about him just seems to make it worse. So now, the two of you can’t stop thinking about the kiss you shared and how much you actually want to be together.

- Finally, after a chunk of time spent trying to distance yourself as much as possible, the loudspeaker comes on during one of your classes.

“Good afternoon Shermer High School~ this is John Bender coming to tell all of you that there is little lady out there by the name of Y/n Y/l/n who is your favorite assholes girlfriend. From now on, anyone who so much as looks at her will get their teeth kicked in by yours truly. Have a nice day.” Beep.

- You immediately felt the urge to melt into the floor as the entire class turned to stare at you. Finally, you just got up and dashed out of the classroom, on the prowl for the jackass who didn’t know when to quit.

- He’s halfway across the school when you find him, lazily walking as though he’d done nothing wrong.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” You have to stop yourself from screaming the words.

“Has anyone ever told you that you look hot when you’re angry?” He asks, stopping a foot or so away from you.

“What are you trying to pull here Bender? Are you trying to make my life hell?”

“Could ask you the same thing,” he replies. “We go on a date, we kiss, we have a jolly good fucking time and then you ignore me. Now I’m sat here wondering what the fuck I did wrong, like I should even give a fuck about what you think of me.”

He stops for a moment before continuing. “Well for some reason, I do. And so I thought about it and I figured it was those girls that I was seeing. So I got rid of them. You want a steady little monogamous boyfriend? Fine. But that means you don’t touch other guys, you don’t even look at them. You’re mine now.”

- You take a minute to process what he said and try to cool off. The two of you stand there, looking at each other like you’re both waiting for the other to strike. Finally you open your mouth and give him a response.

“Fine. I’m yours. But I’m gone the minute you try to play me for a fool.”

“Wouldn’t even dream of it baby.” He grins.

- Constant pda. He loves showing off that you’re his and getting that sweet, sweet physical contact.

- Messy kisses on the cheek from him. It’s usually when he’s being a sarcastic ass but you can’t help but love it anyway.

- He requires a lot of attention. If you don’t give it to him he’s bound to do something stupid to get it.

- He’s so surprised by your innocent affection. He doesn’t know how to react when you just brush his hair from his face or hug him. What are you trying to do? Why did you do that? ...Why does he like it so much?

-You’ll snuggle into his side while watching a movie and he’ll just stiffen up with his arms held away from himself trying to figure out what you’re doing. (Kind of like when a kid hugs the big tough guy of a film.) He gets better at it later in the relationship but it’s still a bit awkward at times. Just rest assured that he does; in fact, like it.

- His hands are almost always on either your waist, hips or ass. Depends on his mood and the situation. Contrary to popular belief, he isn’t a total asshole and respects that different places call for different grips.

- With that in mind, he’s a pretty sexual person. Hickeys, groping, smacking your butt; you name it and he’s doing it.

- Making out ...a lot. His tongue is basically roommates with yours at this point.

- Rough and passionate kisses. I mean, teeth clashing, lip biting, moan inducing kisses. If you didn’t like him as much as you do, his kisses would probably be enough to convince you to stay.

- Playing with his hair. You aren’t allowed to braid it so don’t even ask.

- So many sexual innuendos and jokes. He is; in general, a horny little bastard man, so expect him to be sexual with you.

- He is constantly smirking at and trying to get you flustered.

- He’s a cocky little shit but he makes it look attractive; most of the time.

- Most of his compliments consist of him calling you hot and other less than romantic names.

- Compliments fuel him so expect him to act tough and do tricks to try and impress you.

- Stupid dancing in the privacy of your own home or his. You’re usually blaring the radio or his mixtapes.

- When he’s at your house, he’s usually wearing much comfier clothing; things he would never actually wear to school like sweaters and sweatpants. He looks surprisingly ...cute in them.

- Sometimes, he can get genuinely sweet and thoughtful, even if he refuses to admit it.

- He carries you on his shoulder a lot, usually slapping your butt or holding you by it when he’s carrying you around. 

- He sneaks into your room through your window a lot; sometimes when he just wants to see you and sometimes when he just has to get away from home.

- Definitely has had your name tattooed on him at some point; probably even gives it to himself at home or something equally dangerous and slightly stupid.

- If it wasnt for that, you would probably feel like he doesn’t know your real name; what with the amount of pet names he gives you on a day to day basis.

- He shows you off all the time. He’s so proud that he managed to snag a girl like you and actually have you fall for him. He rubs it in everyone’s face that the ‘delinquent’ got such a hot girlfriend.

- He feels like such a badass with you under his arm while he smokes. The two of you will sit in the back of the school, his arm wrapped around you and you curled up into his side while he lights up a cigarette. 

- He probably steals gifts for you, even if you tell him not to. He’ll say he bought it but deep down you kind of know he just swiped it from a shop. It’s the thought that counts right? 

- Both of you wearing mismatched earrings with the other wearing the second of the two pairs.

- It’s a huge turn on when you wear his clothes. He can’t help but stop and stare wide eyed as you come out wearing his shirt or one of his jackets; especially if there little underneath.

- Wearing his jackets. They always have a very distinct Bender-like smell: faint hints of gasoline, cigarettes and cheap cologne or maybe even your own perfume.

- He would never really admit it, but whenever he’s at your house or messing around with your bag, he sprays himself or his car with a little of your perfume. It always comforts him in a way he can’t really explain. You’ve caught him maybe once or twice but you always think he’s just dicking around with your stuff while he’s bored.

- He gets clingy sometimes but a lot of the time, he’s just annoyingly nonchalant. It’s usually all an act, pretending like he doesn’t care means he doesn’t get hurt; at least not in the eyes of other people. Thats all that matters to him; that he stays being the delinquent who doesn’t give a shit about anything. 

“ Yeah sure, whatever. Do what you want. I don’t care.” Newsflash: he cares a lot.

- You know him a lot better than he thinks you do so a lot of his actions don’t bother you any more. You know the reason behind them so you can understand why he does what he does and try to work around or through them. 

- His parents are probably never home but when they are, he never takes you to his house. He doesn’t really think that they’d try something with you there but he wants to make sure there’s never even a chance that something could happen. The truth is, he’s sort of embarrassed that he “let’s” his father beat on him.

-You definitely try to persuade him to tell somebody about his home life, but he doesn’t think anyone would believe him (like everyone else) and makes you drop the subject pretty early in the conversation.

- Occasionally, you’ll go hang out with him in detention but you’ve also managed to keep him out of most of the trouble he tries to get himself into. Sure, you let him have his fun, but he isn’t in detention everyday now; you would never see him if you let him do all the shit he wanted to.

- You’ve also gotten him to stop fucking around with random people; for the most part. You explain to him that it really isn’t fun or funny to watch him bully and ridicule people who don’t or can’t fight back.

- He’s sorta insecure. He often wonders why you would want to date him of all people, especially if you come from a good family. He thinks of himself as the dirtbag of the school so it really just doesn’t make sense that someone like you (Someone who he thinks could quite possibly be perfect) would want him.

- Your parents hate him of course; mostly because of his reputation and the fact that they’ve seen him kiss the everloving shit out of you in front of the school.

- You make sure he knows that you’ll always be there. He’ll brush it off but he likes that you actually give a shit about him. Your words will stick with him and he’ll find himself thinking about them late at night, feeling comforted at the idea.

- You patch him up after his father hurts him, both physically and emotionally. If he needs you to clean him up, you’ll do it. If he just needs to sit with you in silence for a while; you’ll do that too. Whatever will make him feel alright.

- He has trouble being completely open with you and sharing his feelings. He’s very closed off, having built up a wall over the years. You let him take it down when he thinks he’s ready to; you don’t want to try to break it down and end up chasing him away. You know that deep down, he’s really just scared of letting people in and getting hurt more than he already has been.

- It takes a while for him to fully trust you but when he does, it’s worth the time you spent trying to get him to.

- He’s a pretty jealous and possessive guy. He doesn’t have much but he has you and that means a lot to him so anyone who tries to take you away from him is in for an ass kicking. Plus, it’s just common knowledge that you don’t try to mess with Bender.

- He’s seen firsthand how terrible people can be so he’s sort of intent on making sure you aren’t treated the same way he is. His parents may not hold the same sentiment but he would never let someone hurt the person he loves.

- Fights are usually loud and filled with curse words and name calling. He definitely storms off, either in the middle of it or towards the end when things aren’t exactly over but slightly calmed down from the full blown war you were having.

- To him, he can ignore you but the instant you do the same, he’s pissed off. Before you decide to ignore him, you’ll probably try and get him to talk to you but he’ll just give you the silent treatment. That’s when you finally give up and do the same, instantly turning the tables.

- No ones ever really put him in his place like that. They lash out, yell at him, maybe even hit him; but they never give him a taste of his own medicine. After a while of you ignoring him, he starts to do everything in his power to make you talk to him, even if he’s still pissed. He hates it, seeing you play his game; maybe even playing it better than him.

- He doesn’t necessarily apologize, he just; usually willingly, forgets which one of you actually started it and what you were fighting about in the first place. Or, if he does remember what you were fighting about, he sort of resolves it, explaining why there’s no reason for either of you to be upset with each other/why you don’t have to be angry with him.

- He doesn’t say he loves you but you know he does from the way he acts. He never treats anyone quite like he treats you and you can tell there’s something different in his gaze whenever he looks at or talks about you.

- He thinks you’ll leave him at some point so he always tries to make the most of your time together. You always reassure him that he’s not getting rid of you that easily which brings a little smile to his face. 

“Even if you did leave me, you’d never get over me. I’d spare you the pain and take you back, you know? I’m not cruel.”

“Gee thanks babe.”

“No problem, sweetheart.”

- He may be an annoying asshole at times, but you love him and will stand by him through thick and thin, and him you.

[lost-eternity]

Match Up Requests: CLOSED.

Please read the rules before requesting

Match up for: @melancholicbutbeautiful

Okie dokie! I match you with....

The 9th doctor!

I know. This isn't everyone's favourite Doctor. He isnt as cute as the 10th or as puppy-man incarnate as the 11th but hear me out. I think he needs you.

Let's start simple, shall we?

He absolutely adores your height.

Standing at an impressive 182cm (6 feet), the 9th would be all over you. He's got a good 18 cm on you. Fully expect him to be "accidentally" leaning on your head and cracking short jokes at the most inappropriate times.

You're running from Daleks (it's an occupational hazard)? He'd say something along the lines of "hahah! I'm suprised they can even see you down there!" Cue and unamused glare from you. It's like.... we're trying not to die here and NOW you are making a short joke? Seriously?

~

You both probably meet at a museum. One of those quirky wax museums. Life-like historical figures expertly sculpted in wax, their empty eyes somehow full with false life. It combines both your passion for history and art, enabling you to walk up close to these esteemed figures who shaped our society.

But you can't focus on the wax creations, nor the historical excerpts that come with them. Instead, you keep getting this unnerving feeling like your being watched. When you turn around, you catch this one guy staring at you. So you look back at him like ???. And instead of quickly looking away like a NORMAL person would he just continues to stare.

So now things are awkward and your kinda tempted to reach for your keys. You know. Just in case.

And that is when you feel someone grabbing you from behind. Weirdly cold hands wrap around your arm, constricting you in a white-knuckle grip. Spikes of numbness shoot up your arm as the blood circulation is cut off to your hand.

You whirl around to face your attacker and are like ???. Why the HELL is Bob Ross attacking you? Like. What?

That was when the fire alarm began to go off.

Before you could react much, someone full on BEHEADED Bob Ross. He immediately releases you and promptly walks himself into a wall. The now headless wax Bob Ross backs up, then moves forward again. Then hits the wall. Rinse and repeat.

The guy who was staring at you earlier, now clutching the ironically red fire axe. Guess you now know who pulled the alarm.

The expression on this guy is borderline mianical as he Cheshire grinned at you. "Hi! What's your name?"

"Uh... y/n..."

"Nice to meet you, y/n, I am the Doctor. Now. Run!"

He grabs your hand and you charge for the exit, herding everyone else out of the museum as more and more wax figures come to life.

Springing into animation, they kinda slowly amble after you. It's not exactly efficient but it is pretty damn threatening.

This moment lead you into a series of events that eventually concluded in you both accidentally almost blowing up Big Ben to stop and alien hive mind from taking over Earth.... whoops. Not that it mattered to much. Because despite the terror and confusion that seemed to now be perpetually stricken in your mind, you had the time of your life.

But despite your pestering and begging, the Doctor adamantly refused to allow you to tag along on his next adventure. He wouldn't explain why. Instead he just dropped you off at your house, swearing to wipe your memory if you spoke a word of this to anyone.

Of course, you called him out on it, asking him if you could meet the "Men in Black" later.

He wasnt amused by your jab, saying that you reminded him of someone who we couldn't afford to lose again... and then promptly vanished after that

At first you thought you would never see him again. That he was just a phantom that emerged in your life, a chance crossing that never should have been. The moment your life was touched by something bigger... greater than the mundane reality you have been so long trapped it.

It was intoxicating. Addicting.

But as fate would have it, you did meet again. Except this time you weren't saving him from a domineering alien race, or robotic tin cans that sewed a path of destruction. No. You were saving him from himself.

~

Cut off from his own kind, the 9th Doctor was a damaged man, disparagingly grieving over the intense suffering he had witnessed; the destruction he had inflicted on his people as the result of his own actions.

He tore himself up, berated himself. Told himself that he did not deserve to be alive. After all, he was a monster in human skin. Because only a monster could cause the pain he had

The doctor struggled with the idea of isolation, he was the last of the Time Lords, having left the conflict with the excruciating knowledge of his hand in its apparent grisly conclusion and he would react strongly if pushed on the matter.

And for whatever reason, he came to you. You found him delirious and beaten down on your porch step, rambling, hardly making sense of himself and... glowing a little? Wtf?

You took him in, and only did not call for emergency care at his persistence and mumbled pleading. After doing the rather peculiar things he instructed and gave him a few questionable concoctions, the glowing stopped and he checked out.

You were up all night worrying yourself sick over this man. This stranger that you hardly even knew. I guess it is just the kind of person you are.

You were there when he awoke in the morning, calling out for you. At least you think it was you because he never said your name. Instead called for a "Rose". You weren't sure if this "rose" was a person or another wacky demand on his part.

You never did find out exactly what happened to him. From what he would say, he had an encounter with an alien species that really kicked his ass. Although you thought there was something more to it than that. Some more emotional undertones and reconciliation. You also did not understand why he came to you. You hardly knew each other. There was definitely something he was not telling you.

Whenever you asked who Rose was, he merely dismissed you or cracked a joke about your height. If you continued to press the matter, he would quickly get very snappy and drop his energized, maniacal façade.

It was after this moment that the Doctor agreed to allow you on the TARDIS with him. And you officially became his traveling companion. However. It was never all sunshine and rainbows. Although it was a rare occurrence, the Doctor would occasionally slip up and call you "Rose" again. He would always act like nothing happened and deny it if you brought it up. It was clear that this Rose person had a major impact on his life so... what happened to her?

~

So. I think you would be wonderful with the 9th Doctor because of your empathy and compassion. You unconditional understanding and empathic nature would definitely be unnerving for the Doctor at first. He feels like he does not deserve a person like you in his life. You are too good and pure. He fears that he will hurt you. So he pushes you away like he always does.

And this is why he needs you. I beleive that you would not stop pursuing him. Healing him. Your compassion and life would be what slowly seals up the wounds of his past and his own self-inflicted hatred.

He will finally be able to see his own worth because of you. And that was the primary reason I had for matching the 9th doctor with you. He is the one who needs someone like you the most.

Also. While you are genuinely empathic and loving, you will not allow yourself to be walked over. As you two grow closer, the 9th doctor will greatly appreciate your quips and sarcasm as it mirrors his own. You wont always be lost and confused like most of his companions end up being. Instead, you manage to keep pace with him. It's refreshing for him, honestly. And he will enjoy the playful banter exchanged between the two of you.

Also your dreams to travel align perfectly with the Doctor's noncommittal wanderlust shared by every single one of his incarnates. Your appreciation for other cultures and ways of life is something he can deeply relate to and will have a blast showing you more subtle cultures that may have otherwise bored his previous traveling companions.

~

Actually, as you two travel the universe together, you slowly grow closer and closer. The doctor begins to develop a kind of dependency on you. Because he only ever feels worthy of this love when he is around you.

Isolation really messes with his psyche. He can't handle being alone with his own thoughts. They constantly remind him of the pain he had caused, jeering and taunting him. They tell him that he will just run away from you. Like he always does.

He probably will try.

Don't think he will get far.

As he opens up to you, he finally tells you about Rose. Who she was. What she meant to him (I'm making this an AU where Rose died somewhere along the way).

And the realization is painful.

You dont just REMIND him of Rose. He is PRETENDING that you are Rose. Because for him that is much easier than coming to terms with her death.

I mean. Can you blame him? You look so much like her. Even down to your height.

All of those height jokes were made because of the way he used to tease Rose.

Your hair, your eyes, even your personality is a painful reminder of her. Which is why is tried to abandon you the first time. It is also why he showed up at your house when he got hurt.

He was running on empty and just instinctually went to the place he knew he would be the safest. At your house. With the person he sees as Rose Tyler.

Honestly it's not psychologically healthy.

So now you have a choice.

Do you want to remain with the guy who is clearly still hung up over his ex? Going so far as to convince himself that you ARE Rose? Or do you think you can work with him. Help him. Heal him and allow him to reconcile with not only her death, but the deaths of his own kind.

I guess that decision is up to you...

Aaand, I am done! Whew. Sorry that one ended on such a downer. Haha. But most of the Doctors are psychologically traumatized and their coping mechanisms are super unhealthy. I would feel like I am betraying his character if I did not find some way to portray that. Anyways. I hope you enjoyed 😁. I had fun writing it.

[xoxonawalwrites]

My stomach growled at me. I wish i had some money in my pocket. It is ironic to me for even say pocket when mine barely even meets the characteristics of one. it was just a bare string of thread holding the ripped holes together.  Nevertheless, I  still rummaged threw it like a thief rummaging for valuables. Nothing.

I smelt a mouth-watering aroma. My body reacted to this by secreting saliva .The poor thing! It really thinks i was about to eat food.All i  could do was swish  the saliva around  in my mouth hydrating the dry patches on my tongue . I guess it was extremely malnourished so any chance it could smell food of any kind it was preparing  for me to get it and eat it. The big question is should I?

I whizzed through the kitchen’s door as i heard large shoes clunking behind me at a fast pace.

‘‘You think you can do a scarper again!’’ Bellowed the obese shop owner.

God had heard my prayers. The oversized shop owner had become worn out.  As i  heard him taking large deep breaths not far away.His face looked like a freshly picked tomato with all of the redness concentrated  on the apples of his cheeks.

‘‘ i’ll catch you next time you little imp from hell !’‘ he said with a hoarse voice as he was still taking in deep breaths. I was suprised he hadnt died or had his first heart attack with all that layers of of skin taking a toll on his body.

A  smile of joy popped up on my face running from ear to ear.I jumped up and down with glee. My fiery red hair bobbed up and down like children playing bobbing apples bobbing their heads in and out of the water. I held the juicy roast beef in my hand with the succulent juice running between my bony stick fingers. I stopped and took a huge sigh of relief while intenesly sucking the mouth watering juice out of the meat like a vampire sucking the blood out of its prey.

I said to myself i get to live just one another day. While feasting on my stolen meat.

‘‘ Corsen Corsen!’‘

i did a full turn. Twisting my stick like neck looking around for the person who called me. Unfortunately, for my suprise the sound echoed from an eerie alleyway. I knew what this meant.

You see everyone has their own secrets. Secrets hidden deep down in their soul which they dont utter to a single living being.I have done acts which are horrible.Not even my so called ‘parents’ know about it.I have  dark unspeakable secrets.Forbidden secrets that i have done to merely get by. 

Yes, i know what is running through your mind. I mean i had to find money for food somehow. i wasnt proud of it but i still did it anyways. luckily, i came to my senses and knew that i had dreams i wanted to persue and didnt want to land up in jail before i was eighteen.

As soon as i saw him literal smoke steamed out of my ears,my face turned crimson red. i didnt even think. i used my puny weak fist and puched right in the nose. His nose was already crooked and stuck out like a proud peacock but i think i went too far. Okay i know i went to far. i broke his nose.

Blood gushed out of his nose like a flowing tap. The blood clotted around his nose. I know,I know your probably thinking why i did such an act. Well, i did mention that i did unspeakable acts but this case was different.

I was a mere child with childish girly thoughts. Back then my father wasnt a drunkard and my mother hadnt died. i was ten. He was fifteen. He grabbed the ribbon of my pink frock and grabbed me closer and close to his lips. I thought he was giving me a hug.  He grabbed the zip of my dress, untied it. He removed his trousers and.... well i think you are mature enough to know what happened.

I will never forget the day he forced himself upon me. I was scarred for life. Every time i meet him i have the urge to get a knife, slit his wrists,tongue and finally stab him right in the heart.

So. he really thinks after all those years i was going to run into his arms. Kiss him passionately and give him a hug. Ha! Jokes on him.

‘‘You cant try and freeze me and run away’‘ He said while wiping the dried up clotted blood with his filthy long sleeved shirt.

Though he was literally skin and bone he was in fact quite strong for someone who barely eats and drinks beer day in day out.

Before i could even say Merlins wand he grabbed my skinny wrist and forced my to look him in the eyes. A girl could easily get lost in those emerald green eyes but my eyes immediately started watering due to the alcoholic smell reeking out of his mouth and the fact that he smelt like he hadnt bathed in centuries.

‘‘ I dont know why but there is something about you that attracts me to you’‘ ‘‘ i always feel the urge to capture you and make you mine’‘.

He gave me a look.  A look that made me heart stop beating and made my body freeze while peeing in myself as i was petrified.

‘‘Let me go you pedophile’‘ i said while kicking him in the shins grabbing my wrist using my free left hand trying to grab his hand to let go of my right hand.

I felt a drip of sweat trickling down my back. He threw me to the wall, he leaned his body closer to mine, and his face was hovering in front of mine.

I used my left hand and shot sharp icicles into his chest giving me enough time to flee.

‘‘ I’ll catch you Corsen, I’ll catch you and i promise when i do i’ll never let you go you’ll be mine forever’‘ While wheezing blood and trying to take a deep breath.

I just hope i had’nt made a big mistake.

I didnt care if my underwear could be seen while i was running down the street at this point i just wish mens obsession with me could just stop.

You see i am a freak. I can do freakish things and i look like i freak.My eyes are far away from my nose. My lips are waaaayyy below my nose thus making me a target for kids to bully . I have been in and out of foster homes since i was 10. Back then my father was drunk 24/7 and my mom didnt have stage 2 breast cancer. 

It has’nt been easy since my mothers passing. My dad still  doesnt want to acknowledge the fact that she is gone and isn’t coming back. He then decided to take everything out on me. He used to whip me  till my voice when hoarse and i ended up passing out and couldnt tell if i was dreaming or dead.

Teachers at school noticed my whip marks and bruises even though i tried covering it up with oversized hoodies and sweatpants. They immediately called child protective services thus my relationship with foster families began. All my foster fathers ended up being creepos and used to watch me get changed and worst of all took advantage of the fact that i was a skinny,weak,puny kid and couldnt do anything to defend myself.

Dammit! The landlords sent another sweet little eviction letter. I quickly skimmed through it to see how much time i had until i was kicked out of this mangy apartment. Seven days! There was no way i was going to be able to get 700 dollars by the end of this week. I guess i had to just say goodbye to this mangy little apartment. Ugh! I actually was tearing up this was my first apartment after i got emancipated.

I just decided to  just throw on an oversized t-shirt and shorts and call it a night. Just when i opened the door of my room an eerie sound schoed from down the hallway. 

‘‘Hello Hello is Corsen here?’‘

Dammit! It’s the frickin landlord coming to evict me but  the letter said till next week. I was utterly confused. I hopped out of my bed,slipped on my mucky bunny slippers from salvation army and decided to take my wooden hairbrush with me just in case it was a murderer or kidnapper or somethin’. Hey! I wasnt about to get kidnapped and my kidneys sold online okay?

‘‘Is anyone here?’‘ ‘‘Come out and i won’t hurt you’‘ i said with a shaky voice. I was literally peeing in my underwear.

I heard heavy breathing and large footsteps. I suddenly remebered that there was nothing to fear as i have taken a few karate classes here and there.

AAAH! ‘’What in lords name,what are you doing here?’’

He looked like an angel sent from heaven. He smelt of pine cones and fresh earth after a springs rain.

‘‘ Ah so you must be Corsen,nice to meet you’‘ he said while having a enormous smile running ear to ear.

‘‘ Umm.... this is an invasion of private property, you know i can sue right?’‘

He chuckled so hard that his hair bobbled up and down. His silver hair was a kind of silver that is out of this world. Literally it was shiny sleek and smooth it looked out of this universe. He wore a green tunic with a brown belt and a green shoes on. Like hello the 1900s is calling and they want there clothes back.

‘‘ Well its a shocker i havent seen you since you were a baby and you still have the wild red mane of hair that you used to have, well time flies i guess’‘. he murmured under his breath with a little smirk on his face.

‘‘Ummm.. number one how do you know me and number two its kinda creepy that you saw me when i was a baby when i literally have no idea who you are’‘.

‘‘ i think you should lead me to the living room we have many things to discuss’‘ he hurriedly sat down making himslef comortable on the mouldy sofa set.

Hey! I wasnt made out of money and if my apartment had a fridge, televison and a sofa i was a happy camper.

‘‘So why are you here?’‘

‘‘Oh yes i was sent by Albus Dumbledore to tell you that you have got into Hogwarts’‘ he said with an serious look on his face.

I burst out into tears of laughter.Like does he really think i was stupid.Out of all the lies he could have told me, Hogwarts,like really.I guess he was just another social care worker trying to find ways to get me to come back.But i am not that that daft okay.

‘‘Whats so funny?’‘ while giving me  stern look.

‘‘Ummm.... you know Hogwarts doesnt exist right?’‘ ‘‘It was just a story J.K Rowling wrote for entertainment and imagination.

‘‘You know the whole magical realm has been in contact with the human realm for centuries now’‘. ‘‘The story of J.K Rowling or whatever her name was was half-truths’‘. ‘‘This Harry Potter bot your talking about was all just made up’‘.’‘But the sorting hat,Albus Dumbledore,Severus Snape and some othes are real’‘.

[damn-stark]

Old love- Bucky imagine...(#1)

Bucky Barnes x reader

A/N- my first marvel imagine!! I loved writing this and I really hope you guys liked it. I’ll definitely make more.

This is my first marvel imagine and my first Bucky imagine so sorry if it’s not that good.

Warning- fluff

—

Bucky and you loved eachother before. He was your everything. Steve and Bucky were your only family you had growing up. Ever since you were young it was the three of you together. And that’s why at first you two were scared to reveal eachothers feelings for one another. You and Bucky didn’t want to ruin the relationship you already had. So that’s why two kept your feelings for one another a secret. But as much as you both tried to hide it was clear that you two loved one another more than just friends.

It would be the long glances that you and Bucky would give one another. The way your hands would touch ever so slightly when you were by eachother. The way you smiled at him and the way he smiled everytime he saw you enter a room. The way you two laughed toghter after a funny joke one of you had made or telling a funny story. From other people’s perspective it seemed that you two were married for a long time the way you two would act with eachother.

It would hurt a little inside everytime Bucky would go out on a date with some girl. You were jealous the way she flirted with him or occasinly touched his shoulder everytime he said something funny. He shared that smile that you have seen so many times and a smile that you loved. But Bucky also suffered the same way when you would go on dates with other men. And Steve had finally seen it. The way Bucky glared at the man you were talking with. Steve wasnt an idiot either though. He was a aware of everything that went on with his two best friends. But now he truly opened his eyes or maybe just simply had enough of watching Bucky and you suffer without being with one another.

“Buck?” Steve called out to his friend who had his eyes glued on you and the man. He was stuck in some of kind of stupor so he didn’t hear Steve talk to him. “Bucky?” Steve once again called out and this time he had heard him.

“Hmm? Yeah sorry what?” Bucky said placing the drink that he had in his hand down.

“You know if you never tell her how you feel she’ll never know.” Steve told Bucky only making said boys eye go wide slightly.

“What- What do you mean?” He asked innocently as if he didn’t know what Steve was talking about.

“Go. Talk to her.” Bucky was hesitant at first. He looked down at his drink and back to you. He saw the way you smiled and knew that he couldn’t live without seeing your smile.

Bucky cleared his throat when he was next to you making you and the man in front of you turn your attention to him.

“Excuse me but I need to talk to her okay? Okay.” He said and you looked over at Steve and shot him a confused glance but he shrugged.

“Sorry I’ll be back.” You told the man and he nodded. You followed behind Bucky as he lead you further away from the crowd. It was just you and him alone. He scratched the back of his head and you could tell something was in his mind the way he did that and couldn’t stand still.

“Everything okay Buck?” You asked and he looked down at the ground and then at you. He parted his lips to say something but closed them.

“Okay how to say this..... I’ll just say it.” He mumbled to himself only causing you to be more confused then before. You were going to say something but he spoke up first. “I’m just going to say it.... y/n I like you no I don’t like you....I love you and I have for a long while.” He said to you a small smile appearing on his face. But when he You didn’t say anything his face turned into a serious one.

Your gaze softened at the sound of his words. You felt the same way and you were going to tell him but it was just difficult to form words. You felt tears well up in your eyes and a smile slowly growing.

“I love you too buck.” You told him and his smile appeared again this time wider then the one before. He laughed and then he cupped your cheeks and kissed you ever so gentle and sweet. After the two of you had finally confessed eachothers feelings for one another Bucky thanked Steve for encouraging him to do so.

Bucky and you would go on a lot of dates. You two would go out to eat. Or he would take you out to dance. Sometimes you two would stay in your home. You would make him dinner and he would help out with everything he could. And after the meal you did your favorite thing. Played music and dance along enjoying eachothers presence. After you two would sit on your couch and talk for hours. But most of the times those talks would lead to other things. You two were happy together hardly ever being apart from one another now. But then it happened he had to go off to war.

It broke your heart to see him off but you knew that he wanted to do was right. It was a tearful goodbye but he reassured you that he was coming back to you. You gave him a long passionate goodbye kiss before he got on that train. You watched him leave and what you didn’t know was that it would be the last time you would see him.

Steve had gone off to war too but unlike Bucky he returned. He was different but still your best friend. But when he returned he didn’t bring good news. The moment you heard about the news of buckys death you fell to your knees and sobbed. The news has broken your heart. The man you loved was gone. Steve comforted you and you comforted him because after all he lost his best friend too. But the comfort didn’t last long because he shortly after left back. And just like Bucky he was gone. And just like that you had lost someone else. You had lost the only two people you cared for.

It took you a long while to find someone again but you eventually did. You eventually continued life without him. You loved the man you got married to but it wasn’t the same. You still missed Bucky and you would always miss him.

-

After Bucky got his memories he couldn’t stop thinking about you. The women he loved way back then and still loved now. When he had remembered you he wrote your name down on his little notebook. And when he fully remembered everything he wrote down every detail of you. From the way your eyes seems to glow with your smile. That smile. He missed it. After he told Steve about you he shared that you had passed a while ago. It broke his heart. It broke his heart that he couldn’t be with you. That he couldn’t see you again that he couldn’t see your smile.

When he was in Wakanda you were all he could think about. He would play the song you two would dance along too all the time. He wished that he could’ve stayed with you. He wished that he didn’t leave. He wanted to be done fighting. He wanted to go back to you. He wanted to go back to his old love.

It seemed that Steve had noticed how Bucky had felt. He also wanted to be done fighting but he needed Bucky this one last time. For one last fight. It for five years it was. Steve had lost Bucky again. Bucky was gone again. Until he wasn’t. But yet again he came back to a fight. But after this fight and after this new discovery they had made with time travel he knew he had to do one thing for his best friend. This was going to be their last fight for the both of them.

Steve had insisted for Bucky to come with to return the stones. Bucky was confused on his persistence but he didn’t question and instead went along with it. After they returned the stones Steve made a wrong turn to a wrong time.

“Where are we Steve we’re supposed to go back.” Bucky told his friend.

“You’ll see.”

Bucky followed Steve from the alleyway they had arrived into. At first he didn’t know where they were or what decade it was but he then recognized it. He was back home. And then he saw you.

“We’re done fighting buck.” Steve said but it seems that Bucky didn’t hear him. He saw you. He saw his old love. He felt his heart beat faster at the sight of you.

“What do you mean?” Bucky asked turning to look at his friend.

“You deserve to be happy. No more fighting. You deserve this. You deserve to be with her.” Steve said to Bucky and he turned to look back at you. He noticed that you didn’t have the same glow in your eyes. He noticed that It was replaced with sadness instead.

“But what—-”

“No buck she loves you and she’ll love you I know it’ll be confusing to explain everything but she loves you buck.” He said reassuring his friend. “Now come on.” Steve began to move towards where you were. Bucky hesitated but he followed slowly behind Steve. When he saw that you finally noticed them he saw your eyes go wide and saw a wave of mixed emotions in your expression.

-

You saw him. You saw Bucky. He wasn’t dead. You noticed his hair was longer then the last time. And he didn’t have the same happy expression on his face he always semed to have. You also noticed Steve. He want dead either. You stood there frozen not being able to move or find words. But after a couple minutes your feet moved to Bucky. You practically jumped on him. You wrapped your arms around his neck and it seemed that you had suprised him by your embrace but he returned it. He held onto you not wanting to let go ever again.

After many tears and hugs later Steve had explained how they got back. You had a hard time believing it but you did. He even told you about Bucky and his metal arm. Steve had left to go find Peggy leaving you and Bucky. It was just you and him alone. Your eyes shifted to his metal arm that was hidden with his jacket. He seemed to notice you look at it so he moved it trying to hide it. You moved closer to him and took his metal arm in yours. He wanted to pull away but you didn’t let him. You pulled his sleeve up and even if he couldn’t feel your hand trailing up his arm he still saw it. He didn’t know what you were thinking and it scared him. Scared him that you would reject him for what he has become.

“I know I’m not the same before and I would understand if you wouldn’t want me.” He looked down not being able to look into your eyes. His words broke your heart. Hearing him say that broke your heart. You lifted his chin with your finger so he could be looking at you.

“Bucky I love you and nothing is going to change that. Not your metal arm or your past. You being here with me is all that matters. I love you.” You told him. His eyes were glossy and so were yours. You cupped his cheeks and pulled him in for a soft kiss.

“I love you too. I’ve missed you so much.” He whispered to you. As he cupped your cheek with his metal arm. You olaced your hand on top of it and kissed him again.

“I missed you too.” You said with a smile.

He had finally came back. He had finally seen that smile. Your smile that he loved and missed so much. He was scared of rejection but after you accepted him for who he is he wasn’t anymore. He was finally done fighting. He was finally back. Finally back with his old love.

.

.

.

.

.

[ethereal-lix]

You’re Special

So this is based on this post right here. i saw this at work this popped into my head so i figured that i would write it. Seungmin, we all love you my smol bb

A/N: so i wasnt sure how to start this sooo if its a little weird thats why lol i wasnt sure how to start it so i just.. started it .. lol if it feels rushed im so sorry, i just wanted to write it and get it out there. Also this is not proof read so if theres any mistkaes or typos pls let know and ill fix them (also for those who dont know a greenroom is like a waiting room for the actors/actresses/musicians when they rest/snack/nap/get ready for whatever talk show that they are appearing on)

“Are you excited?” You asked Seungmin as you, him and the rest of the boys head to the greenrooms to get ready for the fan sign. “Yeah,” he chuckles, “I know we’ve been doing fan signs for a while now, but i still sometimes get nervous.” You smile and grab his hand giving it a small squeeze, “No need to be nervous. They all love you.” Seungmin looks down at you and smiles before opening the door to the greenroom you, Seungmin, Jeongin, Minho, and Woojin will be sharing. “I know, but it still makes me nervous you know? Like because of STAYs i get to live my dreams. And being able to look them in the eye and get to spend a little bit of time with them is amazing. I dont think they understand how grateful we are for them.” 

You walk in the room and set your stuff down on the counter, followed by your boyfriend, Jeongin, Minho, and Woojin. “The fan sign starts in 5, start getting ready.” One of the managers states as he opens the door. You look at the boys, “Wow, the door wasnt even completely closed before she walked in.” You sigh and the boys giggle. “Well what can i say, were popular.” Jeongin comments making you playfully glare at him. “Yeah, Yeah, okay Mr. Popular, start getting ready. I’ll be here when you all get back, then we can go grab dinner.” You ruffle Jeongins hair before walking over to Seungmin to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Have fun guys!” You say as the boys walked out of the room.

You sat down on the couch and went on twitter for a little before switching to instagram just to end up switching to tumblr and alternating between the three apps. After about 45 minutes you got up and went to go watch the boys from the side of the stage. You saw how happy everyone was, and how everyone was enjoying themselves, the boys and the fans. This is one of those moments you will remember for a long time. The atmosphere is full of happiness, joy, and love. Hyunjin and Han are talking with some STAYs. Hyunjin is holding her hand while looking at her and listening intently to what she was saying. Han was doing his aegyo to his girl. Woojin is accepting a small gift from someone while changbin and minho were playfully teasing a fan. Felix and Jeongin making jokes and playing with silly string with their fans, while Chan was giving a fan a hug. Then you looked over to Seungmin and saw that his fan wasnt as into as everyone else, but you thought that maybe she was a little sick, so you let it go. But the longer you stayed and watch the more you saw that most fans, when they got to Seungmin, they kinda lost their light with him. They were still happy to see Seungmin, but just not as happy as they are with the other members. 

After another hour of the fan sign the boys left the stage to go back to the greenrooms. “Hey guys! Did you have fun?!” You exclaim as they walked off stage. “Yeah!” “So much Fun!” YAH! Y/N i have to show you what some of the fans got me!” The boys all answered in unison. Seungmin was the last to walk off stage. “Hey love, did you have fun?” “Yeah, i always have fun at fan signs.” He stated with fake enthusiasm that he hoped would fool you. You exhale and open the door to your shared green room. “Hey guys can i have a minute alone with Seungmin please?” Woojin and Minho complied no questions as, but Jeongin being Jeongin looked at you two and wiggles his eyebrows before leaving the room. “Its not even like that I.N!” you shouted as he closed the door. 

You look at Seungmin as you patted the seat next to you on the couch. “Sit.” Seungmin hesitates before he sits next to you. “So whats really wrong? You voice says happy, but your eyes say sad.” “Nothing.” You just look at him before sucking in some air. “Seungmin, whats wrong?” He looks down at his hands and starts playing with them while trying to think of how to say what he has to say. “If youre going to break up with me, you know you can just say so.” Seungmin whips his head to look at you so fast youre sure he has whiplash. “Wh-what?” he stammers, and you chuckle. “I’m just joking. So tell me whats wrong. Please?” You ask and you take one of his hands in yours. 

“Well, i-, its just that, i know that im the least popular and loved member and i’m okay with that, but sometimes it just hurts you know? At every fan sign the others always leave with way more stuff than me. It doesnt really bother me, especially because im still getting to live out my dreams, and there are those few fans whos actually do like me and thats all i really need.” Seungmin looks at you and gives you a small smile. Your heart broke hearing his confession and shattered when you saw that small smile on his face. “You shouldnt have to have that type o mind set. I’m so sorry that most people cant recognise your talent and how truly amazing you are. You can sing, and rap, and dance. You are multitalented and if they cant see how amazing you are how they should stan you then thats their loss, I love you and if it make syou feel better, me and the boys have way more than enough love for you to make up for the fans who dont love you and appreciate you the way you should be. Just know that you are an important part of Stray Kids and Stray Kids wouldnt be Stray Kids without you. It would be missing a piece. Just like when Minho and Felix were eliminated it wasnt the same. You help complete Stray Kids and those boys wouldnt have made it as far as they have without you. I just want you to know that you are loved and appreciated.” You conclude you speech. 

“She’s right you know?” Woojin states. “You make me wanna be a better singer. You inspire me, and motivate me to be the best that i can be at all times.”  “You’ve shown me what true passion is.” Jeongin chimes in.  “We really woundnt be Stray Kids without you” Han pipes in and the rest of the boys nod in agreement. “SEungmin, if i dint think you were good enough, i never wouldve picked you to be in my group. I picked all of you, because each and every one of you have amazing talent that i knew would be appreciated. Just remember that. All of you have something special and thats why you were chosen for my group. Dont let what one fan, or a few other fans think take that from you and make you feel less than what you are. You’re here for a reason. You’re in my group for a reason.” Chan concluded his speech. 

You stand up and pull Seungmin into a hug and the rest of the boys join with Han yelling “GROUP HUG!!” You all laugh as you tumble a few steps before regaining your balance and whispering in Seungmins ear “I told you, you’re special.” 

Feedback is always appreciated !!! :)

[athenakassandra]

The Other Side of the Fence

I can almost feel it. It’s there. I can feel my fingertips are brushing against what I’ve been missing all these years. If I was in a race, the line’s right in front of me. I knew this is it. After all this time, it’s finally here for taking.

All I gotta do now is cross it.

But... how? It seems so simple, right? Cross it. Just finish and claim the prize. Isn’t that how it’s done? JUST DO IT.

I wish it was that simple. I forgot, after eight long years, that there’s a fence. I stare at it like I did so many years ago, and somehow it looks the same. It has aged a good deal, and it almost looks vulnerable now. But as I’ve proven all those years, it’s deceptively impenetrable.

The hardest part about the fence is that it has a lot of things that I want on the inside, things that I dream about on a regular basis. Things I’d give up a lifetime to be a part of. When mom (not my mom) talks about these i feel the pain of missing out of them. What’s most painful and cruel is that I can see everything from where I stand, and watch other people enjoy the things i want, but will never have.

I see a kid running full speed towards me as if seeing something he has seen for the first time. I bet he’s curious as he comes over just a few steps from the fence. He stopped dead in his tracks and just stares at it like it’s a blank wall. That’s how the fence works, I see everything from the outside, but they will never see me. I recognize the kid. It’s my boy, and I felt the tears start falling. Tears of joy? Maybe. My son makes me happy even by just the simplest of things, but it made me sad and frustrated that I loved him since the day he was born and yet he has doesnt and perhaps never will meet me. He’s such an angel, and I remember holding his hand once when he was two years old, and I remember it like I just let go of it. It hurt that he was someone else’s, but eventually I realized it was through him I truly learned -- and understood -- the word sacrifice. I felt, for the briefest of instances, like I was a part of something bigger. He has grown now, and he looked great. I know he’s gonna grow up well and do well. He’s gonna be seven this year, and I wonder what to give him on his birthday. A new toy? His mother tells me the boy likes to play a lot. Perhaps a new iPad. Or Maybe a real father? I don’t know. That’s up to mom. We stare at each other, him with a piercing look and me trying not to scare him. I know he doesnt see me, but I still stare back in regret and longing, when I hear a commanding voice from afar, and we both look at where it’s coming from. It was my son’s grandma.

Mama, as she’s fondly called, comes over and carries my boy away. As badass as she looks, she owns what’s got to be one of the softest hearts, as I’m told. I found it hard to believe at first, as when I met her like twice before I just remember being scared shitless by just meeting her gaze. Like I mentioned earlier she has a commanding voice, and my son walks toward her, giving the fence one final glance as if he saw someone or something there. I hear his aunt call him out as well, offering something I couldn’t see from this distance. Aunt’s also gonna be a mother soon. She looks like 98% mom, and I used to think of all the high fives we’re gonna have and all the high pitched laughs because of all the inside jokes about mom that we’re gonna share. She’s had a difficult life, and I’d like to think that she having a child soon is one of the steps toward the right direction. I wish this family all my best, even if they have no clue who I am and I doubt they’ll ever know me. I sigh and take back a deep breath, wishing this wasnt the case.

The other day mom told me a couple stories while we were driving home. The way she talked made me feel like she’s somewhat venting, though I didnt really mind. I want her to do that. I want her to tell me everything. I want to help her when she’s feeling down, console her when she’s hurt, and laugh with her when she’s happy. I realized it’s also one of the things the fence keeps me from having. The everyday life stories, from the simplest to the most outrageous, is one of the things I want to share with mom. It’s basically the life together, the chaos, and it just hurts not being there when she needs someone to hold her. Life just aint fair.

It felt so good to daydream. It’s a beautiful night, and though the silence doesn’t give off the best of vibes I’m trying to have when I write, it’s good enough to just summon my thoughts. The bad thing, however, about daydreaming is that it feels so real at one point and then with a blink of an eye, it’s gone. It’s just gone, and all I can see is pitch black, I feel the emptiness that has devoured all the things joyful I can ever think of, and I’m alone again. Then, in the middle of all this, I see mom. I see her talking to our son and wiping the sweat off his forehead down to his face. This sets my mind off again, reminiscing how I loved and lost the love of my life.

Mom and I were never the convenient love story. We’re one of the against-all-odds, spontaneous, and heart-wrenching ones. It was never easy for us, which was clear from the start, and we had to fight for what we have. I’d like to think that it made us indestructible, and the joy and passion we shared for one another remains unmatched, though historically one thing or two always ends up breaking us apart. I dont know what it is, but before she left for the last time, I remember us being able to take a piece of each other. During cold days and hard times I hold onto that piece to give me hope. I always clutch at it whenever I feel insecure, unloved, and rejected. It somehow makes me feel her heart and her love, though it’s ironic because I got it when she left, but undeniably, it works. She’s also the one person I know I can talk to when nobody else will. She’s the only one who can calm me when my stupid temper just decides to go off. Heck she even made me want that homeless-looking Post Malone. I loved her for it. I still do. She makes my heart smile and full in a way nobody else can, like nothing else matters in the world but us. I’m 29 and I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I kiss her hand. We still make out like we used to in our early 20′s, and when our lips touch, I can feel all the love that I missed all these years. The stars are back, and I just don’t want to let go.

But, I have to. I still have to go back to my world, and she has to hers. It’s what the fence divides, and unlike eight years ago I have a ticking time bomb that’s not gonna stop. It’s strapped to the fence, and if we destroy the fence the bomb goes off as well. It’s either we hit two birds in one stone by eliminating both the bomb and the fence, or we die and lose our souls again. I look at mom’s eyes and i’d like to believe it’s somewhat different now, that she’s gonna have something to do about whatever the outcome’s gonna be. It gives me hope, and like I said, I can almost feel it. I think we’re closer this time. Better.

And then again, the fence is deceptively strong. We can always go around it and do whatever we want, but the fence will just remind us that we will be separated at the end of the day. I dont want to do that anymore if it was up to me. I just want to go home to my wife and son and live a simple life.

I love you, mom, I love you so much. You know this, and you also know there’s nothing I wouldnt give. It’s up to you now, but please dont go to a place where I cant follow. Even if we fail again, my heart and the best parts of me will always belong to you. Hopefully I see and touch your face today.

I’ll just be where I can be found a lot this past couple of weeks --- right outside the fence, waiting for you.