#that was partly influenced by my parents (and still is)

[wastingawayinmyroom]

tbh i relate with the black brothers on another level.

forced to act perfect and posh all the time? yup.

looks and sounds 10 years older than the actually are, because they must be mature? yes.

torn between being a rebel and being a perfect princess? ofc why not.

literally does not know who they are or what they like because they do whatever they’re told to do? 100%.

pathological liar? yes. (working on that currently.)

hot mess with emphasis on hot? mmm yes, thank you for acknowledging my looks-

[rivangel]

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot. 

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology. 

 I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life. 

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time. 

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others. 

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son. 

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness. 

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’. 

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely. 

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later. 

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early. 

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity 

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground. 

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples. 

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish. 

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own. 

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless. 

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.) 

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment. 

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman. 

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside). 

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is. 

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least. 

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry. 

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”. 

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability. 

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life. 

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

[togglesbloggle]

In Defense of Bad Things

'Bad' here meaning mostly 'amateur'; stuff made enthusiastically by people at an unprofessional level. Art with visible gaps between what the artist imagined and what they achieved, products of flawed craftsmanship. I suppose everybody can appreciate them to some extent, it's a rare parent that doesn't put up their kid's drawings on the fridge in one way or another. But it turns out to be a fully general skill you can cultivate, and the more I do, the more I'm glad I did.

Partly, it's the teacher thing; finding delight in amateur work is one of the ways to find delight in the process of learning. Cultivating a love of striving-qua-striving can help make you a force for good in the world, as people start to feel safe trying to do things when you're around, even when their efforts are wobbly. You get to participate a little more in the process of atoms spinning themselves into ideas, even when there aren't any illusions about whether you're helping cultivate some revolutionary genius in the field.

And partly it's a fabulous way to build community. By necessity, our professional-level skills tend to be at the service of other people, performed for economic benefit; that's kind of how you get professionally good at something in the first place. When we're acting for our own sake, and among friends, most of what we do with one another is amateurish. I only cook middling-okay, I can't hold a tune that well, I'll never be a speed runner for anything. If you can only enjoy singing from the hundred best singers in the whole world, manufactured and polished by major studios, then you and your friends will sit shoulder-to-shoulder and passively listen to music. But it's so much richer an experience to sit face-to-face, actually singing together, even badly; you expose yourself to so many new ways to appreciate and respect one another, building relationships on what you've accomplished and not just by witty criticism or liking the same things.

And partly it's because some of the most powerful and innovative artistic experiences are in high-churn environments with low expectations and low barriers to entry, if only because those catch the passionate and driven young people that have been otherwise overlooked by our systems. The golden age of webcomics meant that a ton of the actual art involved was pretty lousy, but it also produced work that people still talk about today. D&D began as a profoundly unpolished collection of handmade rulebooks sold at cons in a plastic baggie. By the time these products of enthusiastic amateurs filter themselves through various levels of popularity and absorb mainstream cash influx, they're often risk-averse and missing a lot of the bold spark that inspired their fans in the first place; others will simply never drift towards the mainstream at all. I'm not saying you should be the person who goes out to dig through the slush piles of the internet looking for overlooked art, unless you want to be-- but sometimes a work of actual staggering genius also happens to be a Supernatural fanfic by a first-time author who's a little hazy on commas, and if that's a dealbreaker, you're going to miss out on some profoundly valuable experiences.

And hiding behind all of these things is, like...

Our appreciation of beauty has an odd structure, right? When things are done very skillfully, by brilliant artists with years of training, we can usually appreciate those accomplishments. And when we're looking at nature without human influence, and especially when we think very deeply about natural processes and understand them in context, we often rediscover that sense of beauty. There's just this bizarre hole in the middle where we declare things 'ugly'; as if a little skill is worse than none at all.

I really don't trust that gap. It feels like a trick my brain is playing on me, you know? It has me suspicious that a lot of what I consider 'ugly' or 'bad' is not a very direct experience of the world at all, or an informed judgment. That it is, rather, a declaration of (self-, social-) identity; a desire to be seen as a person of good taste, or as somebody who does things well, or just more primitively as one of the monkeys who is in the good-stuff-tribe and not one of the monkeys who is in the bad-stuff-tribe.

[purplekiwis]

𝑲𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆

Summary: While they're on opposite ends of the social spectrum, Y/N and Harry have been the closest of friends for years. But could it be that an all-night working session for a science project helps them break out of the friendzone?

Genre: Friends to Lovers | Nerd!Harry x Badgirl!Y/N

Warnings: SMUT | Self-Deprication | This is coming-of-age story. There's no mention of their age but both characters are in their last year of high school (just a heads up in case someone doesn't want to read because of that)

Wordcount: 10k

A/N: ok y'all, so i have made a mistake.

i was like 99% sure there was a request in my inbox asking for a blurb where harry was nerdy? i found it interesting so i started working on it... only to realize halfway into things that that was not in fact what was written in the request 😅

i figured i might as well post it anyways since i wrote it but yeah... i'm sorry, anon! i (now) know you wanted subby!harry, but all i have to give you is nerd!harry (don't worry, i made him a lil subby just for you 🤫)

also, before y'all flood my inbox with asks about the non finished fics (rightfully so) i hear you and i'm very, very sorry for the lack of updates. i had to take a break because i kept feeling like the texts i could come up with weren't good enough for the stories i wanted to tell. i still partly feel that way, but i'm hoping the lack of real harry content will inspire me to write more in the near future. thank you for reading my dumb little stories, i love you 💖

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Harry was never too fond of grocery shopping.

He really didn’t like the whole “put things inside the cart, remove things from the cart at the cashier, bag them, put them back into the cart, get them in the car, take them out of the car, bring them inside and put them away” process.

It was extremely inconvenient to him.

It was also very time-consuming, though Harry believed this particular belief of his was directly influenced by having to grocery shop with his grandparents every other day.

Naturally, they were slower than he was, so he'd just drag his feet behind them, push the cart and wait for them to ask him to grab something from the shelves that their aging pains no longer allowed them to reach.

That part was fine, what bore him the most was how easily they got sidetracked by trinkets that weren’t on the shopping list. Oh! And how they always managed to locate a random old person they knew from God knows where who engaged them in talks that appeared to stretch for hours.

Harry would try and make up reasons not to go with them sometimes, but he always felt a little guilty about it afterwards. After all, it was a very small favor for him to help his grandparents with their groceries, considering they had been the ones to provide him with a loving home after his parents failed to do so.

People always seemed to feel sorry for him when they found out he'd grown up without his “real parents” around, but he'd never had reasons to complain, really. Unlike his parents, Joe and Martha had always treated him nicely and made him feel genuinely loved.

They were a little overprotective at times, but like Y/N always said, that was probably because they watched too much TV.

Speaking of Y/N, Harry didn't hate grocery shopping with her so much. He even kind of enjoyed it as long as the space wasn't too crowded. That day it wasn’t, which he was extremely thankful for because it reduced the chances of them bumping into any familiar faces who might ask about his grandparents, or if the girl he was with was his girlfriend.

That’s another thing he detested about running into people his grandparents were friends with - they loved to pester him with indiscreet questions about his love life that made him go red-faced. It was even worse when he happened to be with Y/N during those times; fortunately, she was always a bit clueless about it. Harry guessed that the reason for that was that she was so comfortable with their friendship that she wasn't even aware of what was going on… even if she thought it a little odd that he kept introducing her as his neighbor even though they weren't neighbors anymore.

Despite the fact that they no longer lived next door to each other, Y/N was still a frequent visitor at Harry’s house. Ever since his family relocated to a different area of the city, it had become custom for her to spend the night whenever the two had group projects to do.

Their journey was always the same. As they got off the bus from school, they would head to the supermarket to stock up on frozen pizzas and late-night goodies to help them through the long hours they’d be spending working on their computers.

That day was no different. They'd just grabbed their pizzas, and were now wandering around the drinks aisle looking at the options.

“Do you think your grandma would notice if we hid one of these in your backpack?” Asked the ex-neighbor, Y/N. The smile on her face got him figuring she was up to no good… even before he noticed the bottle of whatever alcoholic beverage she was holding.

The idea startled him a little more than he'd like to admit. “Don’t start! And put it back before anyone sees you.”

The way his body jumped made Y/N laugh as she set the bottle back on its shelf. “Relax, okay? I was only messing with you... I knew you'd be too chicken to do it. But just so you know, they don't even ask for an ID most times.”

He replied to her with a headshake. “You're not as cool as you think just because you get drunk with your friends every once in a while.” She didn’t seem too pleased by his remark, but Harry figured that by now she ought to know he didn't mean most of what he said when he was annoyed. “You can get an iced tea… or a pepsi… or that weird-flavored soda you like.”

“Fine.”

Harry noticed that even after he allowed her to pick her favorite drink, Y/N still didn't seem particularly happy with him. She trailed behind him in silence while he pushed the cart around and didn't even appear to care when they walked past the shelf where her usual go-to snack was.

“Did you know that statistically, people who start drinking in their teens have a 5 times higher likelihood of becoming alcoholics than those who only start later?” Harry knew it probably wasn't the best conversation topic to get her to talk to him, but it was the only thing that came to his mind in the moment.

“Did you know that stating facts like that makes you look 1000 times more of a nerd than you already are?”

Harry snorted at her retort. “You didn't seem to mind me being a nerd when you asked me to work on the paper with you.”

“I do every paper with you, why should this be any different?”

He smirked at that. It was true. He and Y/N had attended every academic year together since they first met in elementary school, and they had managed to enroll in almost all of the same classes each time. They were currently in their senior year of high school, and their friendship was still pretty solid despite their different personalities and social interests.

Y/N was in the midst of a rebellious phase. In the beginning it all had been quite harmless, with her obsession with dyeing the ends of her hair crazy colors and pairing fishnets with knee socks. That somehow led her into starting to hang out with people Harry considered to be a little unnerving.

He wasn't sure what exactly made him annoyed about them... Maybe it was because he was a little resentful over having to “compete” for Y/N's attention and feared he would one day completely lose her to them, given that they were undoubtedly the cooler part of the equation. Perhaps part of it was also because those people reminded him of the kind who used to bully him for being a dork when he was younger. Thankfully, he wasn't being bullied as much anymore, but he still didn't have many friends.

He also barely interacted with girls, as one might expect. There were times he had crushes, but he was always afraid to talk to them, so things never really went anywhere. Thus, Y/N was really Harry's only female friend.

He confesses sometimes he was surprised she still wanted to hang out with him as much as she did. When she became popular, Harry naturally assumed she would ditch him for social status reasons, but that never happened, which was a big relief to him since he liked having her around.

They were both geeky, so they watched a lot of movies and played video games together... but when it came to other things, they were a little different. Y/N had a much better sense of style, was much more social, and enjoyed doing dumb things like smoking weed and getting drunk behind her parents’ backs.

Harry had never really understood the appeal of it. In fact, his lack of interest in participating in that stuff sometimes worried him a bit, but again... it wasn’t like he wasn’t curious.

There were a few times when he thought it would be cool if he could hang out with Y/N and her friends, go out drinking, dance, and maybe, just maybe, if he was very very lucky, even get to kiss someone on the mouth.

But then he always ended up reasoning that people like him weren't welcome at parties and that if he ever dared to step foot into one he'd probably end up being the butt of everyone’s jokes.

Even knowing so, he couldn't help fantasizing about it… especially the last part. Yes, Harry definitely thought about intimacy a lot more than he'd ever be willing to admit… and he also pondered a lot about how being practically invisible to girls sucked… and about how much he wished one would give him a chance.

He was aware of his issues, however. He knew he wasn’t exactly the hottest guy around. His haircut and clothing were out of style, mostly because he lacked the confidence to mess with his looks and follow the trends the way other people did. He’d buy new t-shirts sometimes; the only thing was that they almost always had gaming-related designs which obviously didn't do his style much good.

But it wasn’t all bad. Harry knew he had nice eyes… he just couldn't get the girls to come close enough to notice them. He figured the way he stared at the floor when he walked, along with the thick glasses he had been wearing since childhood had also taken part in preventing people from noticing how green his eyes were.

He thought Y/N had nice eyes as well, and he liked the way she accentuated them with make-up… even when her eyeliner turned out a little uneven or got smudgy because she forgot she had it on and rubbed her eyes with her fingers.

She'd been doing that a lot in the last hour they'd been working on their paper, which was making Harry feel a little bad.

Normally, by that time in the evening Y/N would already be working on her part, but as they'd started later than usual, she wasn't. Also, being the control freak he was, Harry always wanted to be the one in charge of the research portion of any papers they worked on. Leaving the final task of writing and flourishing to Y/N.

So the poor girl had been sitting next to him for hours, watching him go through articles on his laptop.

Harry could tell by the increased frequency of her yawns that her battery was running low, so he wasn't the least bit surprised when he heard her hesitantly ask, “Are you planning on staying up much longer? Aren’t you getting tired?”

“Um… not really. I found this really cool essay and want to make sure we gather all of their data.” He was so preoccupied with copying and pasting that he didn't even look away from the screen as he replied to the question. “It's a shame we don’t have any hot springs nearby... wouldn't it be cool if we could collect samples of these microbes and study them in the school lab?”

“Are you for real?” She looked at him like he was crazy as she let her back slide halfway down the bedframe. “Do you really find these stupid water microbes that interesting?”

“Not all of them, it’s just that I’d never considered that there could be some growing and thriving in actual boiling water… since, you know, that’s what’s supposed to kill them.” Due to the silence that followed, Harry realized that despite Y/N's efforts to keep him company, she was moments away from falling asleep. “Should I go get the air mattress to make your bed?”

“I can't sleep. I haven't done my part yet.”

“It's fine; we still have the entire day tomorrow to finish.”

“Don't bother with me if you’re focused on the paper. I just need to close my eyes for a bit, but I won’t fall asleep.” She promised, but Harry knew better than to believe her. “Do you mind if use your covers? Your room’s a bit chilly.”

“No, not at all.” He didn't mind it, in fact, he even found it a little exciting. Not in a pervy way, but it felt good to know that a good looking girl would be using his bed and leaving her girly scent on it. Harry tried not to dwell on those kinds of thoughts over Y/N too much, but of course he thought she was hot. He wasn’t that blind.

He hadn't always felt that way. For a long while Harry just thought of her as his best friend, but she'd grown into her curves in the last couple of years and he would be lying if he said his eyes and mind didn't occasionally wander. He felt a little bad about it, but it wasn't like he was ever going to do anything other than fantasize, so he supposed it was alright… as long as she didn’t catch on.

Truth be told, he’d always liked Y/N’s personality, but as of recently her looks and the way she dressed had also made her the type of girl he was attracted to on the outside. Yes, it was always the girls who wore alternative clothing and scowled a lot that caught his eye.

He was aware that his preference sounded extremely stereotypical coming from a shy loser like him, but it wasn’t like he could help what he was keen on.

“Is the entire chapter on Volcanic Islands really necessary?” She asked, leaning further into him so she could see the laptop screen despite being laid down.

“I'm not sure if it's necessary, but I thought we should at least mention these two islands since they keep coming up.” He could feel her sigh of defeat on his arm. “It’s already halfway done. I've already gotten all the info about Iceland… now all that's left is this tiny archipelago in Portugal.” With that, he rushed to type the final location on the Google search bar but was taken aback by Y/N's chuckling. “What are you laughing at?”

“Do you not know how to delete your browsing history?” She asked him, still laughing.

Harry's brows furrowed slightly, but he smiled along. “Huh, why? Seriously random that.”

“Random, really? I may only be half awake, but I can still see.”

“See what?”

“See Pornhub come up on your suggestions when you started typing Portugal.” Harry's face dropped instantly. Then, with a harsh slam, he shut his laptop lid. He could feel his entire body tensing up as a burning wave swept across his face, hotter than he'd ever felt before. “Harry, relax!” Y/N remarked when she saw him like that. She seemed rather worried about it as she clung to his arm and shook it. “Hey, look at me, this isn’t a bad thing. You don't have to-”

Before she could say anything else, Harry covered his face with his sheets and muttered, “Yes it is. It’s embarrassing.” Honestly, even that felt like a tame word to describe how he was feeling. This was, hands down, one of the most awkward circumstances he’d ever been in. He wasn't prepared to deal with it, so he chose to remain hidden and avoid further conversation.

He knew he'd have to come out at some point, but he couldn’t bear the thought of facing Y/N knowing that she knew he watched porn and wanked. It was making him feel all kinds of yucky, which was why he was a bit shocked by what happened right after.

Y/N ventured under the sheets after him, and eventually nestled into his side. The warmth felt nice, but being so close to her was weird. He liked it, but it also made him feel worse at the same time, given that she'd been the catalyst for his breakdown in the first place and all that. Plus, he still couldn't wrap his head around why she wanted to touch him when he felt so icky.

Despite the fact that they were right next to each other, it took a while for one of them to venture breaking the silence. By the time Harry tried, he had a dry mouth, so he had to swallow first. “I know it’s not your fault, but I'd honestly rather you hadn't said anything because knowing you saw is making me feel like shit.”

His faltering whispers seemed to stun Y/N a little, as if she'd already accepted that they wouldn't be talking for the rest of the night. “There's no need for you to feel that way… especially with me.” She returned his hushed words. “I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you'd get like this. I was just joking.”

“I know, but it still bothers me.” Harry was a little surprised by how at ease he felt speaking in quiet whispers while hiding under his covers. For some reason, talking to Y/N in this setting wasn’t as mortifying as he'd anticipated. “And just to be clear, I have no idea how that ended up in my suggestions. I always use incognito mode for that stuff.”

He couldn't see her, but he could feel her shrug. “You must have forgotten to open a new tab. It has happened to me before.”

“Oh. So. You watch it too?”

“Doesn't everybody, at least once in a while?”

“I don’t know… I suppose they must, yeah.” They both fell quiet for a bit, but not for longer than a few breaths as Harry felt the urge to clarify something. “I don't want you to think I'm a perv, though. I don't watch it all that often… not the kind of stuff that you’re probably thinking I watch, anyway.”

“What do you think I think you watch?”

“I don’t know, like… cringy, scripted porn… you know, the usual “oh no, I’m stuck!” stuff that shows up on the main page.”

“Um… I’ll be honest, you’ve always came across as more of a Hentai guy to me. And before you say anything, this isn't just me calling you a weeaboo. I've watched my share too and overall, I think it's much better than that other stuff you were talking about.”

“Yeah, fine... I'll admit that I like Hentai, but it’s not all I watch.” Harry wasn't sure why he felt so keen on sharing all of a sudden, but weirdly, he was kind of enjoying their conversation. He found the topic interesting, and he'd never had the chance to discuss it with anybody in person before so… it was fun. And, on top of that, Y/N was disclosing a bit too and he liked that he was getting to know this part of her as well. “Do you know what audio porn is?” She hummed and nodded yes. “Cool, so, there’s this category called ‘guided masturbation’ that’s basically just girls talking and like... telling you what to do. There’s no visual content really, but it has a very real feel to it that I like... almost as if you're on the phone with someone.”

“That's interesting, actually. I always thought that audio porn mostly for women, since, you know... everyone says men are visual creatures.” She shifted her weight slightly, turning towards him. “But you still find naked girls hot, right? the sight of them?”

“Well, of course. I’d be worried if that wasn’t the case.” Her question struck Harry a little, but he liked that she was acting curious and asking him things. “Honestly, I think the reason why I don't watch more regular porn is because I can't picture myself living out the fantasies. I don’t know, it’s weird to explain.”

“You can’t picture yourself in a sexy plumber costume ready to unclog a hot milf’s pipes?”

Harry snorted. “You're joking, but that's pretty much what it is.”

She hummed as she drew closer to him on the bed. This time her, placing her head into the crook of his arm. Her mouth was closer to Harry's ear in this position, although he wasn't aware of this until he heard, and felt, her whisper again. “Is that why you like to hear girls telling you what to do? because you're a bit unexperienced?”

Harry wasn't usually one to cuss, but shit. Hearing her whisper that somewhat snarky question so close to his ear struck a chord with him. It was freaking hot and kind of reminded him a bit of the audios he liked. Obviously, it wasn't as explicit, but it was better in many ways. A huge downside to the experience, however, was that it was extremely difficult to concentrate afterward. In fact, in the midst of his thoughts, Harry almost forgot to reply. “Um… I guess? I’m sorry, I kind of forgot what the question was.”

“No, it’s all good. I’m sure you must be getting tired.” With that, Y/N crawled out from under the covers. As she did so, her hand stumbled onto Harry’s toppled over laptop. “Oh, I didn’t even notice this was here. We should probably turn it off, right? Assuming you don't want to keep working after this.”

Harry also came out from hiding and sat up in a position similar to hers, with his legs partially covered by the covers. As his eyes re-acclimated to the brightness of the room, he massaged them a little. “Sure. I’ll just need a moment to, uh… make sure the file got saved properly, if that’s okay.”

Taking advantage of his temporary blindness, Y/N snatched his pillow from his side of the bed. She tucked it under herself and slid back under the sheets. “I've got a comfy bed right here so… feel free to take as much time as you need.”

He smiled at her antics as he readjusted the laptop over his legs and opened it. Turns out the file had been autosaved, but Harry still saved it once more before switching off his computer and setting it over his desk. “Yeah, that's fine. I don’t mind giving you my bed for the night and sleeping on the air mattress for a change.”

“Or you could spare yourself and sleep right there instead of worrying about which one of us will be sleeping on the floor.”

Her offer caused his eyebrows to rise, but he wasn't sure if that was a good thing to do. He liked the idea of it but was a little concerned about accidentally doing something embarrassing in the middle of the night. What if he made a toot? Or worse, had a wet dream? He hadn't had any recently, but one never knew when it might start happening again. In any case, he'd probably wake up with a stupid morning wood as usual, which was something that he could typically make go away before he got up when Y/N was around… but if she was going to sleep next to him, wasn’t there a chance she could tell? That prospect made him terrified. “Um… I'm not sure that I'm a good sleep partner; grandma says I used to move a lot in my sleep when I was small.”

“Oh. I don’t mind. I just don't feel like sleeping by myself tonight for some reason.” Y/N shrugged, leaving him unsure of what to say next. It was already difficult to say no when it wasn’t what he wanted to say, but it became nearly impossible when he looked at her and met her begging eyes.

Well then, if she was being so casual about it, he figured it must not be that common for people to do humiliating things in their sleep, contrary to what he had previously been led to believe by his insecurities. The other factor that was pushing him to say yes was that having to get up to grab the air mattress from the attic and make Y/N a bed sounded a little too demanding for how lazy he was feeling. His bed wasn't even tiny either, so they'd have plenty of room to spread out without troubling one another throughout the night. “Ok, alright. But don't grumble tomorrow about having trouble falling asleep because of me. This was entirely your idea.”  

“I don’t grumble.” He made sure to let her see his eyeroll before turning off the lights and getting into bed with a second pillow for himself. No one said anything for a bit, they were just adjusting their positions in search for the most comfortable one. Harry was still wide-awake, but he believed it wouldn't be long until Y/N fell asleep. She was already close to when they were working on the paper, so it shouldn't take long at all.

She proved him wrong, though, when she blurted out something after minutes of being quiet. “I have another question for you...”

“Oh. What’s that?”

Harry saw a shadow that he believed to be her head poking up from the pillow, propped on what should be her arm. Her voice sounded quite chirpy too, which meant he’d probably underestimated how awake and willing to chat his friend actually was. “Have you ever… like, kissed anyone?”

“That’s so random.” It was during times like these that Harry wished he could travel back in time. If he could go back and pretend to be asleep two seconds ago when Y/N asked if she could ask him a question, he wouldn’t even hesitate. Heck, he'd even pretend to snore if it meant not having to respond but alas, since Harry didn’t have any time travel abilities, that wasn’t an option. She knew he was awake and was anxiously awaiting his response. “You're quite random sometimes, Y/N...”

Her voice was hushed, yet a little taunting. “That’s not an answer.”

Harry sighed, realizing she wasn't going to let him off the hook until he participated in the discussion she wanted to have. “Alright, then… define kissing... does something like a peck qualify?”

“No, Harry. I'm talking about actual kissing. Tongue and all.”

“Oh um. I knew that, obviously.”

“And did you do it or not?”

“Yeah I, uh. I've kissed...” His words stumbled slightly. They didn't come out as cool or confident as he’d hoped, but he did try to make his statement sound plausible. “But it wasn’t with a lot of tongue... just like, a little bit.”

Y/N let out a snort at his unconvincing answer. “You’re a shit liar, but fine. I used to lie about it too when people asked me.” Rather than defending himself, Harry didn't say anything, which told his friend all she needed to know. “Is it something you think about, though? would you like to do it?”

“Well, yeah… of course I’d like to. Even some of the guys I hang out with have done it... and you’ve seen them.” Harry felt a bit mean making that remark about his friends' looks. Obviously, he wanted them to have someone who liked them, but that didn’t change the fact that none of them had much going in terms of physical appeal. “I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I know I’m the problem and that the reason why I haven’t kissed yet is because I’m not a kissable person. My only hope is that things will change once we start college. I don't know if I ever told you before, but I've been thinking about switching to contacts. I was also thinking it could be nice to exercise a bit just so clothes would fit me better. What do you think? It should help, right?”

Even in total darkness, Harry could tell that Y/N's eyebrows were deeply furrowed by her tone of voice. “Who was it that told you you weren't kissable?”

“Nobody needed to tell me. I see myself every time I look in the mirror. I dress like my grandpa and have a bit of a hunch like him too.”

“I think you're mistaking being unattractive for wearing clothes that aren’t particularly flattering. It's very different.” Harry knew she couldn't see it, but he was kissing his teeth at what she’d said. “If the reason why you want to make those changes is to feel better about yourself, then you have my full support… I do, however, have a feeling that’s not all it is, so I hope you realize that you don’t have to bend over backwards to be likable or kissable, or anything else. You already are all of those things exactly as you are.”

“I appreciate you sugarcoating things to make me feel better but if what you are saying were true, and I was fine the way I am, I wouldn't have this much trouble finding someone who saw that in me.” He sighed, a little annoyed by her efforts. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s hard for me to believe you’ll ever understand what it feels like to be me. You’re like... the coolest, most kissable girl ever.”

There was a slight click, and suddenly the room got soaked in an orange light that caused Harry to squint despite his familiarity with it. His bedside table lamp was on, and Y/N was staring at him in awe. “You think I’m kissable?”

Crap. Had he really blurted it out that way? He couldn't recall the precise words he had used, but it seemed unlikely that Y/N was asking him that for no reason. She looked very taken aback by what she’d heard, and Harry, who still hadn't a clue how he’d managed to put his foot in it yet again, felt his face turn red and his tongue stutter once more. “Not in a weird way! Maybe I phrased it in a way that made it seem like I was being weird, but it was just a form of expression. Not that what I said isn’t true, but I would never say it like that. Even if I wanted to kiss you, which has never crossed my mind, really.”

“Hm.” Y/N’s gaze was drawn to her hands as he finished. Harry observed that she was picking at her nail polish, which was rather unusual for her unless she was nervous. “Is it really that ridiculous? I mean, if you wanted to, I wouldn't mind...”

His forehead wrinkled. “Why? Because you feel sorry for me?”

“No Harry, because I'd like to.”

“Me? You’d like to kiss me? Why?”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.” Her tone was a little hesitant, but she carried on. “Aff, okay… screw it. I might as well tell you since we’re talking about it. So, I, uh. I have a bit of a thing for you. I’ve had it for a while, but it was never serious… since well, I never really felt like there was a real possibility that it could be reciprocated. That’s why I didn’t tell you sooner, that and because I wasn't sure how things would turn out if you rejected me so… I figured it would be best not to say anything.” She shrugged once more, as a small smile formed on her lips. “You’ve also never mentioned having any crushes or being into anyone, so I thought maybe you weren't interested in that type of stuff much.”

“Yeah, right.” Harry rolled over in bed, facing away from her. It wasn’t unusual of Y/N to play practical jokes on him from time to time, but this one did not go over well with him. It seriously screwed with his self-esteem and since it was her, he could have easily been tricked into admitting something he'd end up regretting. “I know you’re taking the piss and I don't think it's funny, like, at all.”

“Why would I be taking the piss? Do you really think I'd joke about something like this? And look at me when I'm speaking to you!” She pulled on his shoulder, compelling him to lie onto his back so she could at least see his face.

Harry complied with her, but not without a groan. “I'm serious Y/N. If you’re trolling, this is your one chance to say so ‘cause If I find out later that you were doing this to see me make a fool of myself or to get me flustered, I'm going to get really, really angry at you.”

“I may play a lot of dumb jokes, but I don't play with people's feelings like that… let alone my friends' feelings. I'm dead serious, Harry. It's really not that hard to see it if you think a little.” She huffed, upset that he wasn’t taking her seriously. She'd guessed he’d act a little wary at first but hadn't expected him to think she was pulling a prank on him. How could he have missed that she had a thing for him anyway, with how touchy she was when they were alone together? With her acting so eager to be his first kiss? She'd been shit at hiding it for years. It was so clear. “Do you remember when we were kids... my parents took us to a fancy playground by a lake and... there was a girl there who had a Nintendo but wouldn't let me play with it, she would only let you, so I snatched it away?”

"Yeah, I remember.” As he replied, Harry was unable to stop himself from letting out small laugh at the memory. “And then you threw it in the water because you'd heard from someone that Nintendo’s were waterproof. Your parents got so mad, and she wouldn't stop crying. It was awful.”

“Yeah, that. Except, I never really thought that they were waterproof. I did it because she was nasty... and it made me upset that you’d left me to play on the slide alone.” Y/N admitted, also laughing and shaking her head a bit at her childish antics. “I didn't know back then what being jealous was, but I think about that day sometimes... it makes me feel embarrassed obviously, but it also makes me realize that I've always been really possessive of you. I think if you'd turn out to have many girlfriends I would have realized much sooner that my feelings for you weren't just friendly ones.”

“Wow. Was that really what that was?” Harry was stupefied and Y/N couldn't not giggle at his open mouthed reaction. “I’m sorry, it’s just… this whole thing is really confusing. My head is spinning a bit and... being completely honest, part of me still thinks that you’re joking but at the same time, you seem serious enough so I’m gonna choose to believe you. Even if I have no idea why you'd like me that way, other than maybe ‘cause I'm tall.

“The hair too. Don't forget your fluffy hair.” She added playfully. “No but, even though I like those things, they aren’t the reason why I like you. I just do. There’s no logical explanation for it.”

“Yeah, um. That makes sense. I mean, not really but I think I understand that feeling you were describing and… I can kind of relate to it too since I've kind of had a small crush too since last year… or well, I've realized last year... back when you were dating that Joshua guy. It made me jealous. I’ve always thought it was silly though, so I tried not to think about it too much.” Harry acknowledged, albeit doing it with more trepidation and delay than Y/N had. “I've had other crushes too, but they were on girls I never talked to so... they didn’t last too long.”

“Wait so… you’ve had a crush too? since that long?”

“I- uh.. I have. Yeah.”

“You must be really good at hiding your feelings then, because I never noticed anything that suggested that, much less that you were jealous. Trust me, if I had any inkling I would’ve had this conversation with you last year instead of doing what I did. I didn’t even like Joshua much… I just wanted to have someone.” She pursed her lips in a mournful smile before reaching out for Harry's hand. It wasn’t the first time that their hands had brushed, but this time something in Harry's chest was sparked by her touch, making him feel both ecstatic and stiff at the same time. “It's nice that you've had other crushes, though. I think I'd be more upset if I found out you'd been caught up on me all this time and I'd just been completely unaware of it. With that said, I don't want you thinking about other girls now. Only me.”

“Yeah, okay. Just you. I like how that sounds a lot.” Harry had no idea what had possessed him, but he felt compelled to bring her hand to his mouth and kiss it. His gesture made her giggle, but he got somewhat self-conscious afterwards. “Was that lame? Probably, right?”

“No, it was cute. I liked it.” She reciprocated by lifting his hand to her mouth and placing a kiss over his knuckles. “Is there anywhere else you’d like me to kiss?”

With a tentative smile, he gave her a direct glance before nodding. Y/N scooted a bit closer to him but as they got closer, Harry's body tightened a little. He couldn't take his eyes off her lips, yet the sight of the rosy, fluffy cushions was giving him pause. “I’m sorry if I’m not… uh… if I don’t know how to...”

She gave his cheek a comforting caress. “That’s fine, but are you okay? You’re shaking a bit.”

Harry laughed, feeling rather frustrated with himself. “Yeah, um… sorry about that. I'm just really nervous.”

“It can wait if you're not ready.” Y/N made a point of assuring him, even though she had a feeling that waiting wasn't what Harry wanted. He was just nervous, which was totally normal for someone who was about to get their first kiss. The most she could do was try to make him a bit calmer. “Is there anything specific that you're worried about?”

“No, I’m ready. It's just a bit overwhelming. This is all so alien to me… it’s a lot for my nervous system to handle.” Y/N couldn’t not frown a bit at how adorable he was as she listened. “I- I'm also a little in over my head, thinking I probably won’t be as good as the boys you've kissed before.”

“You don't have to worry about that, really. Trying stuff until you figure out what makes the other person melt is the most fun part.” She assured, before giving his hand another kiss. “We’ll learn that from one another, okay?”

Harry nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Upon his approval, Y/N pulled herself closer and higher, until her face was barely above his. They both smiled as she rubbed her nose against his... once, twice, and then it happened. She dropped her head just enough for their lips to touch.

Her tenderness and Harry's stomach-bursting butterflies were in stark contrast, making for a bizarre, yet fascinating combination of sensations.

They weren't quite in time with one another's lips but their kiss was free flowing. And it felt flawless, akin to a Vivaldi concerto or a Michelangelo masterpiece. There was something alarming about it too, however. Suddenly, Harry could feel the relatively insignificant seed of love that Y/N had planted in his heart blossom into a giant sequoia tree. And he couldn't, for the life of him, fathom the possibility of having shared a moment as nice with anyone else.

He was truly loving whatever love spell she was casting on his body with her kissing, which is why he couldn't help but let out a low whimper when he felt their lips unglue from her pulling away. “Why did you- why did you stop?”

“Your glasses are getting in the way.” She explained as she carefully started pulling them off his face. “Here, much better.” As soon as she was done placing his glasses over the nightstand, she raised her leg and straddled him. Well, sort of. It was more of an embrace; except she was laying on top of him. “This is okay, right? Not too much pressure?”

“Mh-mm. Better. Thank you.” Harry's face was flushed, and he couldn't stop smiling as he stared at her. She was so pretty, and her body over his felt so cozy. It was still hard to believe he had kissed her, but the tingle on his lips confirmed it was real, despite how uncanny it all felt. “I like this a lot, being this close to you.”

“Me too.” She ran her fingertips across his blushing skin. “You're so cute like this. I should’ve kissed you way sooner. You seem to like it too, don't you?”

“Mh-mm. I really do.” Harry desperately wanted more kisses from her, but he was still a little too unsure of himself to initiate. Besides, he’d really liked when she took initiative earlier and led the way so that’s what he wanted to happen again. “I’d like to do it some more, if that’s okay...”

Y/N smiled at his request, but wasted no time before she leaned in to taste his lips again.

It was mostly just smooches that they were trading, but that didn’t keep her from taking a nibble here and there. Harry was very responsive to her nibbles, which she appreciated. She’d never been with a boy who got whimpery and breathy just from making out before, but she found it to be incredibly encouraging and arousing.

What made it extra hot was knowing he wasn't doing it on purpose because he knew girls liked stuff like that. It was just how his body was reacting to her. She was also well aware that her kisses had gotten him bricked up instantaneously. His warm stiffness was palpable between her thighs, despite being covered by his pajama bottoms.

If it had been any of the boys she’d kissed before, the erection would have freaked her out a bit, but as it was Harry she thought it was cute that he was so excited. He wasn't the only one feeling this way though. The damp panties she had on served as a casual reminder that she was getting quite excited as well.

Despite her wants, Y/N had been doing a great job of controlling herself… only that task became much more challenging when Harry started getting more comfortable, more intuitive, and by default, touchier. At some point in the course of their kissing, he’d started sliding his hands up her back and, on occasion, giving her hips a squeeze. He'd noticed she was pleased by this, so he worked up the nerve to lower his hands to her bum and squeeze her there too.

“Not feeling so shy anymore, are you?” Y/N playfully teased, to which Harry responded by smiling and hiding his face by pulling her in for a hug. It hadn't been her intention to rub up on him, but he’d drew her in so close that their bellies were flush together, so when she shifted next he felt it on his crotch… and moaned, all deep and throaty. They stared at each other, until Y/N turned her mouth to Harry's ear and asked, “Do you want this? want me to do it again?”

His nodding was quick. “Just don't go too fast, ‘cause uh... might feel too good.”

“Okay, got it.” She said, then held onto the pillow under Harry’s head, nails digging into fabric as she began to move slowly on top of him. Rolling her hips to press down on the bulge in his pants. The pressure on her clit was both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it was a relief to finally have a way to sooth some of the built-up tension, but on the other, it made her yearn for more friction.

She could feel his heavy, strained breathing against her skin. “Mm, it's too much, feels… too good. Ah-” He moaned again, once her fingers gripped at the roots of his hair.

“Shh, quiet.” Y/N covered his mouth and smiled. “I love your moans, but we have to keep it quiet.” She said, before removing her hand from his mouth and putting her lips in its place.

“I know, sorry.” Harry replied once she broke their kiss. “If I get loud again, you can repeat that hand thing if you want… it was hot.”

“Hmm, was it?” She returned her hand to his lips, but this time she allowed two fingers to go inside and prod into his mouth, that he was keeping slightly ajar for her. “That’s good, Harry. You're a natural at this, I think.” She had been straddling him with her body leaning over his, but she sat upright for a moment to appreciate how adorable he looked with her fingers in his mouth from farther away. As soon as he saw her eyes fixed on him, his lips encircled her fingers, and his tongue began to softly wriggle between them. “Mh-m... that's it. Just like that.”

As she started moving her hips again, Harry's hands shot to her waist, to hold her as she rutted against him. This gave her more balance, so she ramped up the pace, rubbing harder and faster to create the desired friction for her. The change caught up with Harry quickly, who began groan restlessly into her fingers in response. She pulled them off to let him speak. “S-slow... please go slower. If you don't, I'll-”

“Make a mess. I know. Give me your hands.” As per Y/N’s request, Harry slid his hands away from her waist and held them up between their bodies. Y/N took them, entwined their fingers together and then without warning, allowed her weight to fall forward, successfully pinning him to the bed. “I know you want to, but you're ashamed about doing it in your underwear. So, I was thinking… if I keep you like this and force it out of you, maybe you won't feel so bad about wanting it anymore. What do you say?”

“I just don't want to get you dirty, that's all. I thought I could keep it under control a little better, but I can't. It feels so much better than my hand.” Harry acknowledged, smiling shyly. “That sounds hot, though… the idea of you forcing it.”

“I know but don't worry about getting me dirty. I brought extra pjs.” She gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hands. “So…you want to do it, then? Since you think it’s hot…”

A delaying groan rumbled in his throat before his lips parted into a broad smile, the kind of smile you make when you’re on the verge of breaking into laugher. “I’m going be so embarrassed about this tomorrow, but yeah. I want to.”

Y/N shook her head at him, grinning. “Don't. I've always wanted to do this. It's a bit of a fantasy of mine, I guess.” She didn’t give him a chance to react to her confession, as she started rutting against his cock again. This time she wasn’t being gentle or avoiding any harsh friction. Her movements were quicker and jerkier than they had been before, and she tightened her hold on his hands as well. She had a hunch Harry liked the feeling of being held down and used, so that's what she was doing.

He was shivering beneath her, taking fast breaths through his mouth as he looked her in the eyes. The poor baby couldn’t stay quiet for the life of him, either. His whimpers and groans were unrelenting, so she was bound to muffle him once more.

His now-free hand joined hers over his mouth, but it didn’t linger there for long since he took hold of her wrist and started guiding it downward. “My neck,” He pleaded lowly, his voice trembling. “…want your hand on my neck.”

She gave him a devilish smirk before grabbing his throat. She only needed to hold him still; there was no need to squeeze or do anything else. “And I want your cum,” she told him, hoping that slipping in a few dirty words in combination with her movements would make him snap. “…want to get all wet from it.”

Harry’s legs jerked beneath her. “Close,” He warned, a little startled. “So, so close…” The fact that she could not only hear him but also feel his words on his throat as he spoke was incredibly arousing. “Please…” He pled sweetly, what triggered a sudden desire in Y/N's chest to be closer. She released her hold on his throat and hugged him tight as she drove her hips into his, rutting violently to make him orgasm.

It worked.

Between her thighs, Y/N could feel his warm juices seeping through the material of their pajamas. So she kept rutting, wanting to make sure she had extracted every last drop of them.

Harry returned her tight hug all the way through his climax, and he didn’t let go after either. They remained in that position for a while, holding each other close regardless of the slightly unpleasant wetness that was binding them together. “We should probably change right?” Y/N asked after a beat, despite her lack of want to wrest away from him.

“M-hm. I’m all gross and sticky.” Harry laughed. “I’m gonna need another shower in the morning, but for now, I think I'll just wipe it off and put on new boxers. I mean if you don't mind that I don't wear pants to bed…”

“No, I don't mind. I'm gonna take mine off too.”

“Oh. That's a great idea. Sounds perfect to me.” Harry playfully quipped, before he got out of bed and started opening drawers. “Also, um… I don't know how to ask without being weird, but could you close your eyes for a moment? so I can take care of myself real quick?” Y/N said yes and turned away to give him privacy while he cleaned himself and changed. She was a tiny bit surprised that he hadn't wanted to use the restroom for that, but she figured that since it was closer to his grandparents' bedroom at the end of the corridor, he probably didn't want to risk going and waking them up. “Okay… you can look now.”

When Y/N looked at him next, the first thing she noticed was that he had on a pair of tight, black boxers. The next thing she noticed was that Harry was looking at her legs, since, as he’d probably seen when he turned, she had also stripped off her pants in the interim, leaving just her grey panties on. “What?” He smiled in response to her curious gaze.

She wouldn’t bring it up, but she could see he had grown a little hard in his boxers just from seeing her sprawled in bed with no pants on. “Nothing, you’re cute.”

Harry snorted at that. “Thanks, but you're much cuter.” He wandered across the room to where the supermarket bags were. “Are you thirsty? Do you want water or a snack? ”

“Hmm, just water if that’s okay.”

Harry handed her the water bottle and sat down on the bed next to her while she drank from it. “You didn’t cum…” he pointed out after a moment of pause.

“Oh um… yeah. I didn’t. It’s okay though.” Y/N laughed, shrugged, and took another sip of her water.

“Hmm.” Harry hummed, before scooting a little closer to her. “It must be a bit of an unpleasant feeling, no? and hard to sleep like that.”

“It is a little until it goes away but nothing that I can't handle.”

“Hm.” He hummed again, before Y/N cocked her head to kiss his lips. She’d only meant to give him a peck, but Harry changed her plans when he leaned in to kiss her deeper. He seemed really eager to continue kissing and well, she wasn't about to say no to him. Especially when he went so far as to nibble on her lip, which he hadn’t done before. He was also getting handsy with her, and she loved it. He was touching her more and focusing on the spots he'd learned she liked.

“That,” She blurted, as she paused to catch her breath. “That feels really nice.”

“M-hm.” He murmured against her lips as he kissed her again. His hand continued to grab at her as they kissed, to the point where Y/N couldn’t take it anymore. She hadn’t meant to but ended up moving her knees apart out of desperation. Being so blatant almost made her feel ashamed, but she didn't because she felt Harry's palm wrap over her crotch. In response to his touch, she moaned into his mouth, and he moaned back, surprised at how her moisture had soaked through her panties. “Teach me.” He asked, softly. “I want to learn. I- um, want to make you go to sleep happy.”

“That’s so nice, Harry, really. I, um-” She smiled while wiping the tears forming in her eyes. “I’m already happy.” She didn’t know what was making her so overwhelmed with joy all of sudden. She’d always known Harry was boyfriend material, but it was still nice to see how much he gave thought to her needs and happiness. And she was happy. So, so happy to finally have him like this, all to herself. “Do you want me to show you how to touch?”

“Yes please. To make you feel good.”

“Okay.” She placed her hand on top of his. “Here,” she explained once she’d guided his fingers to the spot of her panties right above her clit. “Circular motions with your fingers feel really nice, so does pressure. You don't have to focus on just that spot though… the nicest feeling is when you rub there but also all over.” She glanced at him, then bit her lip and asked, “Wanna try?”

“Yeah, alright.” Harry responded, adjusting his position slightly so that Y/N could get more comfortable. They decided to have her sit between his legs, facing away from him since that would make it easier for her to lead him. Once they’d both settled, Harry began to touch her in the way she had showed him, moving his hand broadly enough to reach a little bit everywhere in between her legs. “Am I doing it right?”

“Mm-hmm, you're doing really good.” Y/N was still holding his hand while he touched her, and she was fascinated by the size difference between their hands. “Your hands are really big, which... makes it feel extra good.”

“Really? That’s nice. I'm definitely grateful for that.” He said while looking down as well. “Should I put more pressure, or is it okay as it is?”

“It’s fine but I wouldn’t mind a little more...” She could tell he was afraid of hurting her, and that’s why he was being so careful and gentle in his touching. She wasn’t planning on rushing him or constantly give him directions though, so instead she simply relaxed against his chest and let him probe at his own pace. Because, after all, even though he was playing safe, she was still thoroughly enjoying herself.

It took Harry a few minutes to figure out how much pressure and speed he should be using, but eventually he pressed and swirled his fingers around her sensitive nub in a way that felt just right. When Y/N’s breath faltered he glanced at her worriedly, what made her chuckle. “No, don't worry. You didn't hurt me. Keep going like that.”

Harry smiled at that. He’d had a feeling he was starting to get the hang of it due to the way Y/N’s breathing had become more erratic and she'd begun to quiver against him on occasion but hearing it from her mouth that he was doing a good job was much, much better. He was really looking forward to making her cum. She looked so good like this, flushed and a little out of breath. She'd been staring at his face a lot from over her shoulder in the last couple of minutes, biting her lip and letting out little gasps of pleasure to let him know he was making her feel good.

“Like that. Don’t stop.” Those quiet, whispered words snapped him out of his reverie. He knew what they meant, even before she told him, “I’m really, really close.”

He'd learnt from a meme he saw once that when girls said that, boys weren't meant to speed up or change what they were doing in the slightest. So he merely focused on adding a bit more pressure, since that was something he knew she liked, and trying to keep his hand's tempo.

Despite how hot he found it, Harry wasn't very comfortable with dirty talk, but seeing her like this and recalling the perfect, filthy words she'd said to him just before making him cum, he felt compelled to give it a shot. “I can feel how wet your panties are, it’s so hot.” He whispered into her hair. “I can smell it too and it makes me want to eat you so bad. I've never done it before, but I can't stop thinking about doing it to you.” Rather than trying to sound hot, he was simply stating facts about how she was making him feel, and somehow it was working. “I wanna make you cum like this first though. From rubbing it this way, like you taught me to.”

Harry's words, paired with the precise movements of his fingertips around her pussy got Y/N right at the edge. She trembled, clutched his wrist, and strained to keep her legs open.

“Please, please, please...” She started begging out loud right before the warm pleasure bubble on her belly popped, so Harry did the same thing she’d done to him and muffled her by putting his free hand over her mouth.

He hadn't anticipated being able to feel when a girl orgasmed, but he was. He could feel the strong pulse under his fingers as soon as Y/N started to cum, and it was one of the hottest things he’d ever experienced. He could also feel the damp spot on her panties becoming even wetter as he rubbed her through it and God, the smell… it was making his mouth water.

If she didn’t look so exhausted, Harry would have begged her to let him take off her panties and lick her clean, but those puffy, glossy eyes didn't permit his mind to stray any further. If there was one thing Harry understood about Y/N, it was how she looked just before falling asleep, and that was exactly how she was getting.

So he helped her into bed and laid down beside her, but his heart wouldn't let him fall asleep before he asked, “You’re staying for the entire weekend, right?” and his ears picked up a faint “M-hm” in return.

This was going to be the best weekend ever.

**

[saintsenara]

I come to you with this question because, having read all your other metas, I think you'd be the right person to ask. Id love to know what you think about Regulus because I have a very hard time understanding his character. Partly because of fanon characterization of him makes him seem like some secret rebel against Voldemort and partly because I just can't really understand any of his motivations. But regardless, I think what we know about him in canon is so interesting - i just can piece it all together. I'd love to know what you think!

(Sorry for the longish ask)

thank you very much for the ask, @hauntingpercival! regulus is a character i also find a bit of a mystery, and so thinking through this answer was really fun.

i'll start by being clear that i'm certainly not a regulus fan. by which i not only mean that i don't vibe with the fanon!regulus of the marauders fandom, who is essentially an original character - and you can read my views on jegulus here... [spoiler alert: i do not back it] - but that when he appears in my own writing in ways i'd like to hope feel influenced by his canon form, i always find myself focusing on aspects of his character which are rather unlikeable.

there is a little bit of a discourse-y reason for this, which will be pertinent to the rest of this answer...

i really don't like the sort of "omg aristocracy is so hot and sexy and interesting" tropes which are so prevalent in writing around the black family. this is firstly because i don't think that aristocracy is in any way these things - and i find it distasteful to imply otherwise - which is because i'm a prole who lives somewhere still bearing the scars of british colonisation who also went to the sort of university where one sometimes encountered aristocrats and they were all cringe and unbearable.

but it's also because it's not - and i will genuinely die on this hill - an accurate reflection of how the blacks are presented in canon. not only does it take sirius' comment that his parents considered themselves "practically royal" to be a statement of fact [sirius is quite clearly taking the piss out of his parents' pretensions], but it also misses that the purpose sirius' discussion of orion and walburga's politics serves in the narrative of order of the phoenix is to show how mainstream their blood-supremacist views were.

sirius tells us that his parents were not death eaters, but that they nonetheless thought voldemort's overtly sectarian political aims were correct. in this, they hold the political views order of the phoenix emphasises belong to cornelius fudge - unimaginative, deferential to the class system, casually prejudiced, and so on. orion and walburga function as a way of showing us just how entrenched the death eaters' manifesto is, how close voldemort came to winning the first war, and what an uphill struggle the order faces to unravel the roots blood-supremacy has in the wizarding world.

[and they also show that the baffling vibes of grimmauld place - while these are made worse by it being three different gothic literature tropes in a trenchcoat - are wizarding norms, rather than evidence that the blacks were uniquely immersed in dark magic. the decor at grimmauld place - and the family's collection of dark artefacts - is the same as that found in malfoy manor, even at a time when lucius malfoy is considered eminently socially respectable. this is a point we will come back to...]

i think, then, that it's crucial to approach regulus not as a swaggering aristocrat, but as someone from an upper-class background which - while still posh, rich, inferring enormous social capital, well-connected - was unremarkable within the circles in which he moved.

by which i mean that hogwarts is based on real-world institutions - britain's elite boarding schools - which are so exclusive and expensive to attend that the student body are from a class-background which seems inhumanly exclusive, affluent, and powerful from an outsider perspective [i.e. from the perspective of someone from the majority middle- and working-classes] but which seems completely normal within the student body itself.

[i.e. nobody at eton with princes william and harry will have been astonished to have been at school with a royal, because they will have been familiar with their social circles, cultural experiences, level of wealth, and expectation of knowing someone with considerable social influence from childhood.]

while hogwarts appears to be a state-funded school [although it also expects an enormous amount of financial investment on the part of parents - such as buying all the textbooks], the fact that its real-world parallels are so elite [and, therefore, come with a specific "look" in the british cultural imagination] means that the student body is incredibly well-heeled and working-class students stand out enormously in a way very rich students do not. hogwarts also exists - like real-world elite schools and universities - as a way of propping up the status quo of the class system by which the wizarding world functions. its pupils have an expectation of procuring jobs in the civil service and other influential professions - using not only connections established at school but connections they possess through their [male] relatives. many hogwarts students we meet in canon are related to someone who occupies an elite position in the wizarding executive or is otherwise socio-politically influential.

at school, then, regulus would have been completely, perfectly average in terms of social position. i also like the idea of him as perfectly average in terms of intellect - and as a good, but not exceptional, seeker. this provides a really interesting point of contrast with sirius, who - while he's also not socially unusual in terms of class [and i will never vibe with tropes like him being followed by whispers going "omg, he's a black, that means he's important"] - stands out in that he's the first black in generations not to be in slytherin, that he's precociously intelligent, and that he - and the rest of the marauders - are class clowns and show-offs.

and i like the idea that this would give regulus a desire to stand out - to be considered the most important person in the whole school. we can get a hint of this in canon - the picture of sirius and his friends harry sees in deathly hallows is immediately contrasted with a picture of regulus sitting in the seeker's position in the team photo. the seeker who acts alone.

and i think this desire for notoriety is what drives him to sign up to become a death eater - that he decides he's sick of having parents with the perfectly normal level of social influence and a brother who is more popular than him, and that he thinks that he's cleverer and more worthy of attention than everyone else in the castle and the world better start showing it.

[and i've never bought - i'm afraid - the idea that he and sirius are close. it's clear from canon that regulus had no issue being thought of as "a much better son" than sirius, and that he colluded with his parents against him. sirius can love him - and miss him, and regret how they were never able to repair their relationship - but i don't think this means that he feels he's lost a bestie.]

that he holds sincere blood-supremacist views is a given - because within the world in which he lives, these are completely normal and held completely casually [i.e. that slughorn is shocked lily could be muggleborn because she's clever]. the more virulent expression of these views - saying "mudblood", etc. - is clearly considered ill-mannered, but not something which might have any real impact on one's social standing [draco malfoy uses the term with impunity while at school, and nobody ever considers that informing a teacher of this would result in him being punished; equally, nobody from the crowd who witness the event reports snape for calling lily a mudblood].

and so i think it's clear that he becomes interested in joining the death eaters - and starts putting together his terrorism pinterest board - because his mainstream belief that being pureblood is better crashes into his desire to be special to form a conviction that riding the coattails of voldemort's ostentatious malevolence is the way he can become famous.

[in this, he is very like snape.]

my assumption is that regulus is one academic year below sirius, meaning that he was born in 1960-1961. my assumption is also that he receives his dark mark while still at school - probably at some point in his newt years [so the academic years 1977-1978 and 1978-1979].

the standard view - expressed vehemently by various order members in half-blood prince - is that voldemort has no interest in death eaters who are still at school.

the order is wrong about this, obviously - not only when it comes to their refusal to accept that harry's right about draco malfoy being marked, but also in the fact that several of the death eaters who are very young at the end of the first war, barty crouch jr. [who is still young enough to be described as a "boy" in 1982 at the earliest], chief among them, must have been taken on by voldemort prior to graduating.

but it seems fair to say that admitting teenagers into his inner circle is unusual for voldemort, especially when those teenagers don't really offer him anything useful. crouch, for example, could be put to work informing on his father's movements. regulus is - as i've said - just ordinary.

and so my view has always been that regulus is marked by voldemort as a favour to bellatrix. i think this partially because i'm bellamort trash, partially because i think it's a nice narrative parallel between regulus and draco [who are very similar] to have bellatrix be responsible for regulus' recruitment when she's canonically vociferously in favour of draco's, and partially because realising that voldemort thinks of him as just some guy who warrants [essentially] a pity dark mark would be a big blow to regulus' conviction that joining the death eaters would make him impressive.

[i also think regulus is recruited before 1978 because i think there has to be a shift in voldemort's modus operandi at about this point, in order for the fact that sirius says that his parents got cold feet about what the dark lord was prepared to do after regulus became a death eater to make sense. my view has always been that voldemort's violence prior to c.1978 overwhelmingly targets state institutions and people connected to them and/or people with known anti-voldemort political views, meaning that ordinary citizens can regard these people being killed or injured as reasonable risks of their jobs and/or behaviour. and then that after c.1978, the dark lord begins targeting civilians - including upper-class pureblood civilians - indiscriminately, which makes his casual supporters start to waver a bit.]

so, let's suppose that regulus leaves hogwarts in june 1979 and finds himself expected to participate as a full death eater, after having been let off all the dirty work by virtue of being at school...

as i've said, regulus has an enormous number of narrative parallels with draco malfoy. and i think that the best way to think about him is to write him as sharing draco's canonical attitude to voldemort's cause - that he believes whole-heartedly in the message of blood-supremacy the dark lord promotes and that he has no problem with people he considers subhuman [mudbloods and blood-traitors] or unimportant [faceless families massacred in their own homes] being subjected to violence in the name of that message, but that he lacks the character traits necessary to perform that violence himself, to see it done to people he likes, or to witness what it actually involves versus the image he has of it in his head.

and so i imagine he starts struggling pretty quickly with the fact that being a death eater isn't quite as easy as he thought it would be when he was making voldemort fancams on tiktok. and that part of the reason he's primed to turn against the dark lord is because of the tension he feels warring within him at the fact that he's still a blood-supremacist, still desperate to be important, and yet growing disenchanted.

i don't however, think this is why he does what he does... so let's get into that:

why does regulus turn against voldemort?

let's be clear about one thing - regulus turning against voldemort has nothing to do with him having some sort of damascene conversion against blood-supremacy.

[or, at least, that's what i think.]

the outline of regulus' defection that we get in canon goes as follows:

voldemort asks someone to lend him a house elf. we know that regulus volunteers kreacher, because he told kreacher so - and so i imagine voldemort mentions at a meeting that he wants to procure an elf [although, of course, he doesn't elaborate on why] and regulus immediately jumps up and says "pick me, my lord" because he sees this as an opportunity to get voldemort to finally notice him.

his assumption must be that voldemort will use kreacher for a purpose which is considered normal in wizarding society - i.e. that he will require him to do something akin to domestic service, perhaps preparing potions ingredients.

it evidently does not occur to him that voldemort would transgress this social boundary and harm kreacher. not - to be clear - because i think that regulus was some kind of abolitionist legend, but because we see several characters express the view in goblet of fire that how barty crouch sr. treats winky is his own business, and that it is impolite for respectable wizards to comment on how anyone else treats his slave. this sort of social behaviour will have a second part - that it is impolite for respectable wizards to treat anyone else's slave in a way which goes beyond what wizarding slaveowners see as normal.

or: that it's fine to be lent a slave to serve you, but very much not fine to nearly kill that slave [someone else's property!] for your own gain.

kreacher informs regulus what voldemort asked of him, which makes regulus suspicious about what the object voldemort deposited in the cave was. regulus then decides to investigate.

kreacher tells us that regulus goes away for an indeterminate period of time and then returns to grimmauld place "disturbed in his mind".

dumbledore claims in half-blood prince that voldemort appears not to wear or display the objects the horcruxes are made from after he turns them into horcruxes. i think we can agree with this or not without it affecting the story - i quite like the idea that voldemort doesn't make the locket until the later 1970s [maybe after the murder of dorcas meadowes, the only person in the first war other than james and lily to have canonically been killed by him personally], but we can also say that he might have worn or displayed it when it was already a horcrux. certainly, regulus must have seen the locket - either on voldemort or somewhere in his lair - and, after kreacher tells him what happened, he goes to see if it's still there.

when he discovers it isn't, he comes to an important conclusion. one which requires a little detour...

how does regulus know what a horcrux is?

i complained at the start of this answer about the black family being portrayed as unusually immersed in the dark arts - rather than some sort of familiarity with the dark arts being perfectly normal for people of their social class.

and i am sure that you might think I'm about to have to eat my words, since i'm not going to try and deny that regulus was able to identify a horcrux all by himself...

but, actually, i'm just chucking malevolently at the opportunity to clamber onto my soapbox and say:

horcruxes are canonically not magic which only a handful of people know about. where voldemort goes beyond the theory of horcruxes which a wizard of regulus' class-background would be familiar with is that he makes seven.

this doesn't mean - to be clear - that i think it was ever common to make a horcrux [i don't think the wizarding world is quite that lawless...], but that it was reasonable to know they exist, in the way that we might have some general understanding of something macabre - like techniques for disposing of a body - which would enable us to suspect if we saw a neighbour behaving strangely while doing one of those things...

after all, slughorn can suggest [even if he doesn't believe this is what he wants to do] that voldemort could justify his interest in horcruxes by using the excuse that he's working on a project for defence against the dark arts.

that harry, ron, and hermione don't know about them is a result of a combination of their own lack of interest in the theory of the dark arts, the information blackout instituted by dumbledore at some point after voldemort graduates [and my theory as to why dumbledore hates horcruxes even in the forties? grindelwald made one - hence why dumbledore is so hopeful at king's cross that the rumours of his repentance might have been true...], and the fact that they don't discuss their mission with anyone [tonks, kingsley, and moody, who literally have to specialise in dark objects as part of their jobs, would one hundo have known what a horcrux was].

[what they would not have known is what voldemort's horcruxes were likely to be made of and where they were likely to be. it's this - rather than the idea that horcruxes are completely unknowable magic - that is why it has to be harry in charge of hunting them down: he's the only person in the series who knows voldemort well enough to realise that, for example, he'd have hidden one in gringotts because of his jealousy at being excluded from this pillar of wizarding normality.]

so, regulus has a little rummage, works out the locket has disappeared, and has no trouble - especially because voldemort mentions in goblet of fire that he'd told his death eaters he couldn't die [which regulus might not have thought was him speaking literally] prior to 1981 - guessing what it's being used for.

and so, regulus turns against voldemort.

and i think that he does this because the horcrux makes it impossible for him to pretend any longer that voldemort's aims are - when the ministry is forced to the negotiating table by his paramilitary activities - an oligarchy in which upper-class pureblood families benefit and muggleborns and blood-traitors become second-class citizens, but which doesn't deviate too much in terms of its overwhelming norms from the way wizarding society functioned at that time. instead, he is confronted with the undeniable fact that voldemort intends to reign forever as an immortal absolute monarch, and that he has never had any intention of elevating regulus and people like him to the positions of importance he so craved.

[we see something similar happen to draco, whose increasing fear of voldemort throughout half-blood prince and deathly hallows is clearly driven by him realising that voldemort isn't joking when he says that he'll kill him and his parents unless he obeys orders, but is joking when he says he'll be considered a valuable servant should he manage to kill dumbledore...]

and so his death - and his threat to destroy the horcrux - is a repudiation of his beliefs. but, specifically, it is a repudiation of his conviction that voldemort was a primarily political figure who would act as a champion of the pureblood class-system. it's him recognising that voldemort would not stop with a takeover of the ministry - he would kill and kill forever, concerned only with how much further he could venture beyond the norms of magic.

[phantomato]

Tom Riddle As A Parent: Why So Compelling?

(to me. Not meant to generalize.)

Tom-as-parent runs counter to canon in possibly baffling ways. He despises his own father and has no respect for his mother. He doesn’t have a confirmed romantic or sexual attachment to anyone at any point in the story—I’m disregarding Cursed Child here, as my canon is the original seven-book series.

Tom is ill-suited to parenting: we see him in a challenging job or unemployed but busy with his pursuit of power. His personal qualities include a lack of bedside manner, and he’s shown to tolerate putting on a polite face only when it serves him with people who have more power. Yet I’ve written Tom as a parent multiple times, including my longest work. The idea continues to compel me. What gives?

Canon Tom has no business being a parent—let me make it his business

Partly, I want this because it is just so unlikely to fit the character as we know him. Whenever a fic idea or characterization choice seems incongruous and wrong, my impulse as a writer is to wonder how to make it right. What shifts must take place for this person to do this thing?

I’ve long held that I am interested in a Tom Riddle who can feel love. Not that he loves easily or admits it to himself, but that he is a person with the ability to feel that emotion. Given that Tom can love, a child is an interesting place to explore that. How did the child come into his life? How did he reconcile himself to loving it? What shape does that love take? No matter the universe, some parts of Tom will always struggle to be a conventional parent.

This is a great path for Tom as an unintentional parent—kidnapping Harry of course, but also (my favorite) partnering with a single parent and navigating the family he gains as a side effect of that romance. Particularly coming into a teenage stepchild, which was an interesting writing experience because with an older child who remembered a deceased birth parent, I was free to give that Voldemort less personal responsibility for the kid. He could create something other than full parenthood in his relationship with Theodore Nott, where they came to understand and care for one another through their shared love for Nott Sr. I let Voldemort recognize his own unsuitedness to parenting and thus make compromises with it, and the relationship was overall more emotionally moving to me as a result. 

Tom Riddle will have an impact on any parenting that I force him to do. Because he’s not traditionally fit for it, the unique form his parenting takes is a chance to say so much about his character and the choices that he’s made in that universe.

Forcing Tom to reconcile with himself

It’s no mystery that Tom Riddle has parent issues. His mom dies while birthing him. He was raised in an orphanage. He kills his father. There are a lot of obstacles in the way of Tom having a healthy relationship with parenting.

In making him a parent, then, I’m asking his character to get with it real quick. There is a baby or a small child only growing older and more independent by the day; they are pulling their ideas of the world from him like a sponge sucking up water. He will have an influence on them. And what has Tom Riddle ever wanted more than influence?

Part of what I like about parent!Tom is asking what would happen to him if he took the prospect seriously. He is responsible for this kid, so he takes care of them. There must be many feelings there. After all, Tom went to his father seeking something. Magical heritage, sure, but he knew before he walked up that hill that he wouldn’t find it, and still he went. We can’t know anything with certainty (except in fanfic), but when writing him as a parent, I like to think that he might be changed when he’s forced to play the opposite role.

Tom with a child is a Tom who can possibly come to understand his parents or regret not getting to know them. He might see his mother’s care, to deliver her baby where he would live. He might see his father’s fear, at confronting his own trauma through the form of his child. He never got to learn what his mother might have taught him, and my own dislike of her aside, the character of Tom might miss her, forgive her, or never learn about her abuse. If he does know that his mother assaulted his father, it might spark his regret over committing that murder. And he Mrs. Cole as a caretaker as well, whose faults do not erase the intimacy of their relationship. All of these emotions can be explored via reflection as Tom experiences raising his child. He is making his own choices about being a parent, dissimilar or not to those made by Merope and Tom Sr. and Mrs. Cole, and facing unpleasant facts about his sympathy for their positions.

And all of this is equally as interesting to me when Tom is the child, or when he considers his feelings about his parents and mentors later in life. Tom’s hope to be a teacher likewise takes on more dimensions if we consider mentorship and influence on young people as relating to how he might feel about his own childhood, or what must change to make him suited for that responsibility. Tom-as-parent is particularly special as it features in fics that have helped define my characterization of him, and it is because the role is so unnatural for him, not in spite of it, that it inspires this kind of consideration.

[ilsolefiesta]

some self-analytic observations based on my natal chart

1. the 9th house Moon & Saturn + Sagittarius IC conjunction with Chiron always make me think that my true happiness and home are elsewhere but here. I'm always dreaming of moving abroad but Saturn... I've never even travelled abroad. hope I make it someday.

2. also about the 9th house Moon. I can't say for sure if this is the reason... maybe I can also add Pisces DSC here. but all my relationships (there have only been two of them, lol) had some... foreign fleur, I guess? despite the fact that there were no actual cultural or mental differences between us, my first boyfriend still was from a different nationality. as for the second one, he was a Sagittarius with experience of living in different countries. well, when is my turn, huh???

3. some people might consider Libra Venus in the 2nd house to be materialistic... WELL, I can say that this is only partly true. perhaps the restrictions of Virgo's placements don't allow me to go crazy with money issues. but to be honest... both of my ex-partners had a better financial status than me. I swear, I didn't choose them for that reason!!!

4. my Taurus Moon (Moon again...) makes me a true foodie. my mood totally depends on whether or not I've eaten. I've had situations where I get mad at someone simply because I'm hungry. I see delicious food as the main source of happiness in my life. and here goes big BUT. my Moon is squared by Uranus, so guess who has eternal dieting periods and eating disorder?

5. my Sagittarius Pluto is located in my 3rd house and it is also the ruler of this house. my little sister, who is Rising Sagittarius with Scorpio Moon, and I have a really deep relationship, but we ALWAYS seem to have intense and sarcastic arguments. she is extremely emotional and vulnerable (+ Cancer Sun), so she often attacks before someone else can hurt her, like a hedgehog. my cutie.

6. continuing the topic of the Moon and family in general. my Taurus Moon has made my relationship with my mother seem a bit... materially focused? I love her dearly, but for a long time I saw her as someone who just cooked, bought my clothes, earned money and was concerned about my physical well-being. in terms of emotions we were stable and neutral. by contrast, my sister has far more intense feelings - they have many arguments, resentments and mutual claims. it's strange and fun to witness this love-hate dynamic.

7. I also see a connection between the charts of our parents and our charts. my mother is Rising Cancer with Sagittarius Sun. it's vice versa for my sister. despite the fact that she is an exact copy of our father in terms of appearance... my 1st house Sun makes me a real father's daughter. btw, he had Libra Sun with Virgo placements. so, it's again vice versa. my personality is greatly influenced by his, and his upbringing has had a significant impact on me. having Chiron conjunction with IC as a family house... losing him is still one of my most painful wounds.

8. 1° Virgo Mars in the 12th house supported by Capricorn Lilith... I'm still learning how to deal with my anger in a healthy way and the need to control everything. sometimes I feel a truly destructive desire to release my anger, even if it hurts other people. in such cases, I usually go for a walk alone for about 30.000 steps to fix it and calm down.

9. the conjunction of my Jupiter and MC makes me extremely delusional about becoming famous and global. I'm not sure what to do about it. maybe I should see a therapist.

10. the connection (however it's not very accurate in my case, somewhere it is stated to be a conjunction) of Venus and Mercury in Libra is usually said to have some special, magnetic voice features. while I cannot say for sure what is meant by "special features", I've often been told that my voice and way of speaking have a calming effect on people and can even make them feel sleepy if they listen for too long.

11. I guess, it's again about my active 9th house, but I'm good at learning foreign languages and it comes naturally to me.

12. having Rahu in my 11th house... I guess it has an aim to teach me how important friends are. my social circle greatly changed many times over the years.  I've had about 10 "best friends", but we don't communicate anymore. as my 11th house is in Cancer, each time it was very personal and dramatic for me. so, at some point I began to think about friends with "easy come - easy go" philosophy and didn't want to be attached to someone anymore. after that, I met someone who has been my best friend for four years already, and we've been through living together, long-distance communication, shared interests, traveling together, and haven't had any serious arguments yet. I think this is also connected to my Ketu-Lilith conjunction in Capricorn and control issues, something from "previous" karmic experience. after learning to let things go their own way, I have succeeded.

13. having my Saturn in square with my Mars makes me a kinda... renegade? I've always had troubles with authority figures, like teachers and directors. like "why should I listen to and respect you if you're saying nonsense?" however, my Mars is weak, so I tend to just silently complain and endure it, haha.

14. also, there is an interesting connection between Sagittarius IC and Gemini Saturn in the 9th house. my family is strongly religious and I was raised according to Christian beliefs. as the 9th house is also the house of faith, guess whose Gemini Saturn is rationalizing everything and saying: "it has nothing to do with me. I cannot simply believe in something 1) unjust 2) having weak evidence" etc. I guess my family secretly hates me for this when we discuss religion...

15. Libra Venus trine Aquarius Uranus has given me a good aesthetic sense in terms of visual arts. I'm not that bad at digital art (art in general, but that's not the main issue). damn, why it feels like I'm bragging... nevertheless, my friends and family often ask me to take photos of them and do "post-production", as I've been learning Photoshop since I was 11. I'm really a huge perfectionist when it comes to it. I "blame" Uranus specifically because it rules technologies.

16. Mercury is the dominant planet in my chart and it doesn't have any harsh aspects. + it forms a trine with my Uranus. I learned to speak when I was around 1-1.5 years old.

17. I don't know why, but Virgo Sun & Ascendant haven't made me obsessed with cleaning, despite the stereotypes. in fact, my house often gets messy. HOWEVER, when I do start cleaning, it can take up the whole day...

18. Sun and Ascendant in the same sign really make me really obvious to define. people often say that I'm that one pedantic killjoy when it comes to communication. I'm really sorry about this, but I can't help it, haha.

19. Pluto in the 3rd house + Virgo Mars in the 12th house, I guess, is the duo which explains my irrational love to songs with some harsh, disrespectful, and dark lyrics. I mention Virgo Mars here because I feel that it helps me to deal with my internal aggression properly. and also Libra Venus and Mercury in the 2nd house... my guilty pleasure is to listen to rappers' lyrics, when they sing about being broke nonames initially and achieving money, girls, fame and, overall, being on top now.

20. active 5th house with Leo as a ruler of the 12th house... it's tough. I really enjoy imagining myself on stage, receiving attention. I think I have a potential at least to act 'cause my image and appearance can dramatically change if I want them to. a friend of my ex-boyfriend, who saw my Instagram profile once said that he couldn't believe that the same person was in all the photos. my makeup artist also told me that I have the appearance of a chameleon and it's possible to create any image on it. but the reality is cruel and when I actually receive attention, I become scared and shy, not knowing what to do next. is there any way to overcome this..?

21. btw, Virgo ASC and that "you can be anyone" feature. I personally believe that it's hard to identify them by their appearance as this ASC can give a slightly... standardized appearance? especially if a certain person has some strong planets connected to ASC / the 1st house (for example, my 1st house Sun gave me red hair when I was a child), they can easily be mistaken for anyone. I may be biased, but you can identify Virgo Rising by their behavior or style, but not by physical traits.

Thank you for reading!

Maybe there are some mistakes, so I'm sorry.

That's how my first post came to be. I've talked a lot about myself. Damn. But writing about oneself is always the easiest thing to do. Hope someone can find it relatable. I also attach my natal chart here. Maybe you will find something interesting in it or make some assumptions, I'm opened to discuss your placements if you want to!

Pictures credits: Pinterest

[timeagainreviews]

Dust and Darkness Prevail

Panspermia is the theory that human life was seeded by comets, asteroids, meteoroids, and space dust falling to Earth. Directed panspermia is the idea that an unknown third party purposely seeded life onto this planet through similar means. These are perhaps the most ancient of aliens. For whatever reason, be it propagation, a future food source, or simply contamination from an explorer’s boot, somehow, we were created.  It’s easy to see why mankind looked to the stars for parentage- we are made of star stuff, after all. As our understanding of the stars grew, so did our desire to understand them in relation to ourselves. Staring down the concept of being a mere dust mote floating within sunbeams, some of us began to wonder if the Gods we abandoned weren’t actually a different form of sky daddy. In the words of Giorgio A. Tsoukalos- “Aliens.”

Science fiction has a rich history of depicting ancient Gods as alien lifeforms. Doctor Who is no different. Sometimes these extra-terrestrial visitors are used to explain odd phenomena, and other times, they’ve been used to outright undermine the achievements of ancient civilisations. One of the most popular ancient alien theories is that aliens helped build the pyramids. Some Egyptian-themed polyhedron-obsessed aliens influenced ancient Egyptian culture. You can see it in movies like Stargate, or in television stories like the 1975 Doctor Who serial “Pyramids of Mars.” Recent books like Erich Von Daniken’s scientifically dubious “Chariots of the Gods,” or numerous documentaries narrated by Rod Serling had garnered interest in ancient astronauts. A year after “Pyramids of Mars,” aired, NASA released photos from their Viking 1 orbiter that would only feed these theories. The black and white photos of the Cydonia region appeared to depict a carved facelike structure and gigantic pyramids on the planet’s surface. Needless to say, some people let their imaginations run wild.

While many of the concepts explored in the History Channel’s “Ancient Aliens,” have been labelled pseudo-science or even racist, some of these concepts still crop up in popular media. A more benign example would be Marvel’s own Thor and Loki. Sure, they call them Gods, but they are very clearly from advanced alien civilisations. It feels appropriate then that Doctor Who returning with Disney money might also explore one of its own ancient aliens in Sutekh the Destroyer. Considering the build-up with the Toymaker and the Maestro, it all seems fairly obvious in hindsight. But what does this have to do with Ruby Sunday? In seeking out her own parentage, might she also benefit from looking to the stars?

One aspect to this season of Doctor Who that I feel has actually fallen a bit flat is the question of Ruby Sunday’s parents. Considering that the fandom has been interacting more with the question of the identity of Susan Twist’s character, it’s safe to say I’m not alone in this. It’s just not a very interesting question, and I think it’s partly because we already know the answer. Doctor Who’s official Twitter recently asked fans who they think Ruby’s mother really is, and only a few people actually got the answer right. It’s Carla Sunday, obviously. I find this whole question to be as flawed as the conversation around it. Ruby uses words like “abandoned,” to describe herself. And while I can understand the desire to know your roots, I know my adopted siblings were never abandoned. They were found. They have a family who love them. My mother who was also adopted had a mother in my grandma. My greatest hope with this storyline is that this is what Russell T Davies has been leading up to all along. Ruby’s real mother is the one who changed her diapers and cleaned up scraped knees.

Speaking of family, “The Legend of Ruby Sunday,” begins like a bit of a family reunion. Yasmin Finney is back as “Rose.” As are Gemma Redgrave as “Kate Lethbridge-Stewart,” Bonnie Langford as “Mel,” and Alexander Devrient as “Colonel Christofer Ibrahim.” Also returning is the Vlinx, with a shiny new chassis. Strangely absent is Ruth Madeley as UNIT’s scientific advisor “Shirley Anne Bingham." In her place is Lenny Rush as “Morris Gibbons,” a boy genius with a taste for excitement. We’re also introduced to Harriet, UNIT’s newest lead archivist. More on her later. The light tone of this family reunion is much needed as the majority of this episode is Doctor Who at its most bleak.

Something I have completely failed to mention this season has been the TARDIS’ weird groaning. It’s not as though I hadn’t noticed, there have just been so many things to talk about lately. I had meant to bring it up last week when the Doctor told Rogue the TARDIS doesn’t like bounty hunters. I figured then that it was the Doctor ignoring a bigger problem. Speaking of which, it does strike me as a bit odd that the Doctor hadn’t addressed the issue for such a long time. The TARDIS has been groaning and sliding into landings like a football tackle. I understand that the Doctor has a lot on his mind, but it would have been nice if they could have shown the Doctor showing any kind of concern for the TARDIS. He’s been flying her for thousands of years, he would notice any slight change. This isn’t a huge issue for me, though it does feel a bit out of character. But who am I to complain? Even I forgot to bring it up.

The Doctor does have a lot on his mind, which is what brings him to UNIT HQ. It was nice to see the Doctor lay all of his cards on the table for a change. You don’t often see the Doctor outright asking for help. Luckily, UNIT was already on the case. The woman the Doctor keeps seeing also exists in modern-day London as Susan Triad. I found it a bit odd that the Doctor would know a politician from an aborted timeline like Roger ap Gwilliam, but not a tech industry giant with her name on a skyscraper. Even Colonel Ibrahim recognised it as an anagram of TARDIS, so what gives, Doctor? 

Part of their gathering intelligence on Susan Triad has been using Mel to infiltrate her organisation. When I had heard they were bringing back Mel, I was excited. Mel has never been a fan favourite, and even I took a lot of time to warm up to her in classic Doctor Who. But bringing her back feels like a no-brainer. She’s a tech whiz and Bonnie Langford is a great actress. There is only room to grow with her character, and grow she does. Not only have they given her a bit more backstory with losing her family, but we also get to see her acting as a double agent and puttering about on her scooter. Seeing Mel in this capacity is a delight. I am really enjoying how they have built up UNIT to be more like the ‘70s (or was it the ‘80s?) with recurring characters. Instead of Yates and Benton, we’ll now have Ibrahim and Sullivan. I really hope they continue this trend, though I would appreciate it if they stopped haemorrhaging scientific advisors.

Despite around-the-clock surveillance, the most UNIT has managed to gather on Susan Triad is that she’s a seemingly nice human woman with no underlying alien traits. Her company’s upcoming event will announce that she is making the Triad OS free to the world, which seems like a weird flex. Ubuntu and Fedora are both free operating systems, so this is nothing new. What’s even more perplexing is that UNIT would integrate Triad into their own systems. Call me crazy, but if I were a government organisation spying on a tech giant because their name is an anagram of an alien time machine, I might opt to use Windows or Mac. The whole storyline was giving shades of “The Sontaran Strategem/The Poison Sky,” or even “Kingsman: The Secret Service,” wherein miracle technologies are secretly deadly. We still don’t know the ramifications of the Triad system’s worldwide rollout, but I imagine we’ll find out next week.

Something a friend pointed out to me that feels important happens during the Mrs Flood scene. According to Kate, the Triad press conference was scheduled for fifteen hundred hours, or 3 pm. What’s odd is that when Ruby and Rose show up to Ruby’s home, Cherry’s digital clock reads 15:08. At first, I had misremembered this scene and figured it must take place during the events at UNIT HQ, but the inclusion of Ruby and Rose implies that it’s not. I can think of three possible explanations for this. One explanation is that it was a continuity error. The production crew simply goofed. It happens. Another explanation is that Cherry’s radio is like my coffee machine in that the digital time display is incorrect. That’s possibly the most human answer. But television doesn’t often allow for such realistic discrepancies as they can confuse audiences. Seriously, how often do you see fictional stories where two characters share the name John? One of my closest friends is also named Natalie, but that wouldn’t usually work in fiction. This leaves us with a third explanation which is that it was done on purpose. Either something wibbly wobbly is happening, or they goofed.

As expected, Mrs Flood appears to be someone. With the reveal of Susan Triad being Sutekh, my hopes of the Rani have been dashed against the rocks of reality. Or have they? In explaining regeneration to Ruby, the Doctor describes it as a way to hide away with a new face. When Ruby fetches Mrs Flood to mind Cherry while Carla joins them back at UNIT, Mrs Flood mentions hiding herself away. While Mrs Flood was a bit rude to Ruby and downright hostile toward Cherry, these could be the actions of a bitter Susan Foreman, aka the Doctor’s granddaughter. However, I am reticent to call her Susan for a couple or reasons. For starters, Carole Ann Ford was present at the premiere for the 60th anniversary specials. Sure this could have simply been due to her history with the show, but it could also imply she’s been filming things for the RTD2 era. You could speculate that the only thing she actually filmed was a flashback regeneration scene into Mrs Flood, but that feels like a waste of a much-needed reunion. My money is on the Rani, but mostly because I want her to be and because Carole Ann Ford deserves her moment. If they bring Susan back, there’s only one person I want to see play her.

Ruby and Rose fetch the surveillance tape from the night Ruby was left on that church stoop. I loved that Carla joined them the moment she learned that Donna was involved with UNIT. It’s nice to see that at least one character hasn’t forgotten who Ruby’s real mother is. This also gave rise to one of my favourite Doctor moments of the episode when he says "Yeah but it’s Carla. Come on," in response to the claim that not even the prime minister has access to UNIT HQ. I loved the exchange between the Doctor and Kate about their possession of a time window. They claim they don’t have one, the Doctor knows they do. Classic. It’s the Doctor knowing of the existence of the Black Archive all over again. Even further, I loved the Doctor laughing at the way UNIT has “lashed together,” the time window. I doubt he really feels that way, but the Doctor needs to remind UNIT not to get too comfortable. Undercutting their achievement is a reminder that these items aren’t toys. It’s a subtle way to establish himself as an authority while also reminding UNIT of their limitations. The Doctor’s aim isn’t to belittle UNIT, but to instill a healthy fear of these technologies. As it turns out, the Doctor’s fears were well-founded.

The time window is a large room capable of viewing moments in time. The Doctor refers to time as a memory which is a bigger Whoiverse change than people are giving it credit. I always thought of the TARDIS as a supercomputer that stores moments throughout time in its memory like files. It makes sense that time and memory mingle like this. The effect of the VHS degradation on memory is one of the coolest visual effects in Doctor Who. It’s nice to see that Disney money coming into play. I also have to tip my hat to Lenny Rush for his performance as Morris here. Lots of UNIT characters were given little moments to shine in this episode like Harriet and Colonel Chidozie. The latter of whom we’re given a bit of background information about so that when he meets his demise, we care a little bit more. He’s just a Manchester lad with a cheery disposition. It would be a shame if something were to happen to him.

In an almost cruel twist of fate, the visual of Ruby’s mother is obscured. Not just obscured, but seemingly darkened as if on purpose. The moment she walks close to the Doctor and Ruby, she glitches past them. It’s sad for Ruby, but I feel it’s important that Carla is there to witness this moment. She needs to see that the mystery of Ruby’s life isn’t just one of being an orphan, but that something is deeply and darkly wrong. I feel as though Carla’s involvement in this storyline is due a rather big payoff next week, and I am looking forward to that. The Doctor notices that the TARDIS appears more corporeal than a simple image from a video. He asks the tanatalising question “If time is memory and memory is time, then what is the memory of a time machine?” It’s a question I have been mulling in my head ever since, and I still don’t have a great answer.

Colonel Chidozie disappears around the same time a swarm of dark energy begins to incircle the memory TARDIS (omg I think I just figured it out). The MEMORY TARDIS! Ok. I see what you’re putting down, Russell. Carla refers to the dark energy as “the Beast,” as in, the devil. But who among us didn’t automatically think of the Beast from “The Satan Pit”? Hell, it’s not as though it would break the show if Sutekh and the Beast were one in the same. They’re both voiced by Gabriel Woolf. Furthermore, we know Sutekh takes on multiple forms like the doggo or Susan Triad. There are plenty of examples of gods taking on multiple forms. Christianity has the Holy Trinity of God, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Hindu gods often have multiple forms such as Vishnu manifesting as Krishna, Rama, or even Buddha. It’s fully within the realm of possibility that the Beast is yet one more aspect to Sutekh. After all, the Fourth Doctor did refer to him as Satan at one point. Why not?

Possibly the most interesting aspect of the scene is when Chidozie’s speaks out from the darkness. It’s not so much the fact that he’s in Hell or that his consciousness feels like it’s been hijacked like Angel Bob’s was, but rather the fact that he only seems to respond to Ruby. The Doctor tries to commune with the entity and gets nothing. Kate commands Chidozie to report and comes up equally empty-handed. It’s not until Ruby attempts to communicate with the entity that it responds. If Christianity has the Trinity and Hinduism has the Trimurti, perhaps Sutekh has the Triad. Perhaps there’s Sutekh, his doggo form, and Ruby Sunday. This might explain why Ruby’s birth mother has been obscured- she never existed. Whoever left Ruby at the church that day could have been a servant of Sutekh, or even Susan Triad herself.

The tone of the episode by this point is very gloomy. I think the last time Doctor Who gave me the creeps to this degree was “The Impossible Astronaut.” As a fan of dark and disturbing movies, I consider myself rather resilient to horror and dread in media. But there is something about turning the TARDIS into a malevolent force that chills me to my core. Bad Wolf Girl once said “You know the sound the TARDIS makes? That wheezing, groaning. That sound brings hope wherever it goes.” But here, the TARDIS offers no comfort. It goes beyond seeing our beloved symbol of hope twisted and perverted. We have seen what the TARDIS is capable of doing. We know how powerful it can be. We can also imagine what that power can do in the wrong hands. My dear late friend Quinn and I used to say that the cloister bell was the scariest sound the TARDIS could make. But this howling groan and sinister energy turning into a hound of Hell is like the cloister bell on steroids.

The Doctor and Mel head off to S Triad Technologies in the vain hope that Susan might be the Doctor’s granddaughter Susan. It’s a last-ditch effort to gain insight into what is happening. Earlier in the episode, we see Kate telling the Doctor that he brings joy, but after Chidozie’s death, you get the impression that her view has sobered up a bit. The Doctor sees the fear in Kates eyes. He sees the fear in Carla’s eyes. He even let down his best friend Ruby. But it’s Mel who picks him back up. Mel who has seen him at his worst and knows who the Doctor is underneath it all. Only she can give him the tough love he needs in this moment and I loved that they gave this opportunity to Bonnie Langford.

The Doctor makes contact with Susan Triad but there is no Time Lord recognition on either end. However, we’ve been here before. Maybe she has a fob watch she doesn’t like to look at. Maybe she’s hiding away. With her press conference due to begin, Susan is whisked away. But as she leaves the Doctor calls out asking if she’s ever dreamed of a girl named Lindy. Has she ever dreamed about a place called Pacifico Del Rio? Has she ever dreamed about being an ambulance? Out of context, he sounds insane. I mean, sure, I dream of being a sail barge, but that’s my special time. It’s enough to set things into motion.

At this point, we still don’t know the true identity of Susan Triad. She very well could still be the Doctor’s granddaughter. But the moment she walked onstage doing that awkward Theresa May arm thing, I knew she had to be evil. Historically speaking, if you want someone to appear evil in Doctor Who, compare them to a Tory. It worked in “The Happiness Patrol,” and it still works now. Could you imagine being the person who milkshakes Sutekh? I feel like throwing a sweet banana dairy concoction into the face of a terrible god would only resort in eternal suffering. While Susan Triad is having her public meltdown for all to see, UNIT’s own Harriet Arbinger is doing one as well. Once again we get another Harbinger. I’ll be honest, the H. Arbinger joke isn’t nearly as strong as RTD seems to think it is. But then again, Batman is the “world’s greatest detective,” and it took him a while to learn that E. Nigma was the Riddler.

I had begun to fully suspect Sutekh by this point, but part of me was starting to wonder if Harriet wasn’t going to turn out to be Sutekh instead. It would have been a very effective misdirect. I was really liking Harriet up to this point too, so I was a bit sad she just turned out to be a servant of the God of Death. Her “I was born for this,” line had me a little hot under the collar. But it looks like she’s gonna get a lot to do in the next episode, so that softens the blow a little bit. As she names off the various gods of the Pantheon, I was very happy to see them reference the Mara as I am a big fan of both “Kinda,” and “Snakedance.” Some have also speculated that the threefold deity of malice, mischief and misery could be a reference to the Gods of Ragnarok. I really hope this is true because I’ve always thought they were cool.

I’ve seen some people complain that they seem to have somewhat retconned Sutekh. People have said it makes no sense to make him the god of gods. He’s an Osiran, not the most powerful god of them all, right? Well, if you think about it, in many ways, death is the ultimate power. If a god like the Toymaker can die, then of course he would run from Sutekh. Also, he’s a god, of course he’s going to claim to be the best. That’s kind of their whole deal. They’re quite full of themselves, gods. Sutekh’s whole deal is that he believes himself the only being worthy of life. Thus all living creatures are an affront to him. Where he treads, he leaves only dust and darkness. Sutekh demonstrates this by reducing Susan Triad’s poor assistant to dust much like he did to Chidozie. With the TARDIS commandeered by evil Anubis and the Doctor being next in line to receive Sutekh’s gift, things have never looked darker for our Time Lord and saviour.

So who was Susan Triad? Was she always Sutekh? Harriet referred to Sutekh as “the mother, father, and other of them all.” I suppose I should start using they/them pronouns for Sutekh. But who were they? Did every incarnation of Sutekh know they were Sutekh? You could wager that they had a hand in a lot of what was happening, and a lot of what was happening could lead to death. The Space Babies were forced into existence and left to die. Roger ap Gwilliam and the Maestro were set on nuclear annihilation. Lindy and her lot were racists which often leads to death. And let's not forget the cold algorithm of the capitalistic war machines from Villengard. What’s even more interesting then is that if these are all aspects of Sutekh and death, then we know Sutekh is stoppable. In “73 Yards,” we’re shown that whatever Ruby’s follower said to Sutekh was enough to send them scurrying. Sadly, Ruby has no memory of this aborted timeline.

With a new episode of “Tales from the TARDIS,” in the pipeline, I expect we’ll see the return of the memory TARDIS in a big way. According to news sources, the new episode will feature the Doctor and Ruby discussing the events of “Pyramids of Mars,” so make sure to watch that if you need a refresher or have never seen the original. One aspect you might find interesting is that Sutekh initially manifests at a priory on the site of the original UNIT HQ. I have no idea if that will come into play, but it’s interesting that both stories are focused around UNIT, if nothing else. Even more interesting is the fact that in both stories, Sutekh is intent on possessing the TARDIS. I wonder if the Doctor will be forced to use the memory TARDIS to stop Sutekh since the regular TARDIS is compromised. We see Ruby’s memory begin to manifest once more when she and Sullivan enter the time window again. It’s entirely plausible.

I’ll be watching the finale like many others in the UK this weekend, at the movie theatre. The last time I got to see a Doctor Who episode in the theatre was in Kansas City when they simulcast “The Day of the Doctor,” at a local indie-theatre. I’ll never forget the feeling of a theatre packed with nerds cheering over Peter Capaldi’s attack eyebrows. I’m also going to see it in the theatre because, evidently, this is a big enough episode to merit a cinematic experience. I bought nine tickets, so it’s going to be a bit of an event for me. I’ll try not and let that colour my experience too much. All in all, I loved this episode, but we’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I loved “Fugitive of the Judoon,” but the lacklustre finale left me retroactively disappointed. But for the time being, RTD has my full attention. I can’t remember the last time Doctor Who left me this excited for what’s to come.

[hyperblue]

Everyday I scroll through your blog just to remember what happiness is.

Also, I did have an actual question or request(?) I suppose, I want, NEED more details about your specific AU with Wendy and Jackie, what fo they enjoy? How often do they fight with their fathers? What do they grow up to be??? You've said before that Jack is scared of his powers, so does this result in him going out and having a 'normal' life? How would that affect his relationships with his family?

Of course you don't have to answer but I am very curious!

hello there!! I'm so glad to hear that you're enjoying my blog, thank you for your kind words 💙

and yes i will gladly answer your questions! this will probably get a bit long, i hope that's okay with you

au's mainly focused on twins when they are around 17-18 (kind of symbolic to tim's age when he cloned them because I'm prosy like that)

one of the main reasons why I've decided to go for twins in this au (aside from being indecisive about whether it should be a boy or a girl) is because it gives me a chance to demonstrate how two people can have same upbringing/surrounding and be influenced by the very same group of people AND still form entirely different perspectives and opinions on certain things. i'm going to use both kids' relationships with kon as one of the clearest examples:

wendy appreciates kon dearly, she thinks very high of him and constantly seeks for his company and attention. on the other hand, as she gets older, it becomes really awkward for her to be around him because she's old enough now to actually understand and pear wiggle the whole "my dad cloned me out of this dead dude's dna without his consent" thing in her head, until she has to stop for a moment and go: "wow. that was So Not Okay of my dad." on top of that she's facing a major identity crisis because you know, teens, and starts to question her own existence and even tim's love for her, because she can't be sure now if he actually loves her or if she's just a good enough replacement of what her dad could have loved, but never got an actual chance. which eventually leads to her bottling up lots of anger towards tim, because obviously it's his fault that she can't look kon in the eyes anymore, and none of this would've happened if he just had his shit together and didn't try to clone kon all those years ago (and she's not even entirely wrong)

what she CAN'T fathom just yet is the fact that she loves kon so much partly because she got to see him through tim's eyes; part of her affection for kon is deeply rooted in a way tim spoke about him when she was a kid, always loving, always in awe — essentially, tim was the first person who taught wendy the concept and the feeling of love. and even her awkwardness and guilt that she's experiencing around kon are inherited from tim; she's just mirroring her dad's own feelings about himself without even realizing it

jackie, on the other hand... it would be easy to say that he's just not as close with kon as his sister, but when you start to look at the reasons, well, it gets a little bit messy. you see, jackie was always a "daddy's boy"; he and tim were inseparable when jackie was a kid, they still are, actually, it's just that tim only now starts to realize negative side effects of their closeness but that's for another post. not only that, he's also much more... observant than wendy in a lot of ways, so while wendy was soaking in tim's affection for kon as a sponge to eventually make it her own, jackie couldn't help but notice how hard it was for his dad to have kon in his life only as a co-parent and nothing more (they've bended their friendship as years went by, but it was never easy for both of them); not to mention that tim, to this day, experiences a very severe depressive episodes, to the point of not being able to get out of bed — jackie was very affected by it too growing up. so to him, as of now, it doesn't make sense for kon to stick around and be his usual "weekend dad" if he's not willing to stay forever, and he's kind of resentful towards kon, because he always felt sorry for tim in this situation. not that he doesn't understand why exactly it's the way that it is, it's just that his philosophy on that matter is: if you can't stay forever, do not bother visiting us at all, and stop giving dad any hope for more. jackie's anxiety regarding his kryptonian powers also does not help at all, more on that later

(got carried away with this, sorry, i just had to take this opportunity to explain why there are twins in my timkon clone baby au)

so about the kids, wendy is a rebellious soul and free spirit, and her interests really show that about her — she's been horse riding since she was five, tim was a bit hesitant about it at first, but with damian's help they managed to convince him that everything is going to be okay; damian has also bought wendy her own horse, the one she's connected with in her equestrian club (damian is her favorite uncle ever since; she did not let him call her horse a "Bathourse", tho). aside from that she plays guitar just a little, tim's also tried to teach her piano but ended up failing miserably; he also wasn't able to pass on to her his music taste, wendy is almost strictly a pop girl. she's not really good at photography from professional point of view, but she almost always has her little digital camera with her to take snapshots of memories

(she's also really into true crime videos/podcasts, it's one of the activities that she likes to share with her dad; most times after a fight with tim, if she wants to make up or apologize, she just sneaks into his office and starts playing random true crime youtube video at full volume)

jackie doesn't really have a "main" interest or hobby, even though he's passionate about a lot of things, some of them include: art (because damian), sports (although he's not playing himself), cars (because tim), photography (once again, tim), also I'm pretty sure he's good at math — a little bit of this, a little bit of that, as he himself would say. it could create a major problem for him to choose between college programs if he hadn't already decided that he is going to inherit drake industries, so business it is. tim actually had a whole conversation with him, like, "are you SURE that's what you want," resulting in jackie just. shrugging his shoulders, because it's just about as good as any other choice; not that he has some big, special dream anyway. also i think that he probably skipped a class (wendy did not; she's not too excited about going to college)

speaking about jackie being scared of his powers, it's most likely the result of an accident/series of accidents from his childhood when he unwillingly hurt tim or demolished something during tantrums (he used to throw them a lot when he was younger); kon has offered his help at figuring out how to control it, of course, but if for wendy it was existing and she wanted to get even stronger and make more progress, for jackie it was always about keeping it at bay so to not hurt anyone else. he never really wanted to become a vigilante either, which is good enough for tim because he's worried enough about wendy rushing to the field; he's as close at being a civilian as you can possibly get while growing up with bats and having a kryptonian dad. mostly it's a relief for his family ("at least one of us is going to graduate college"), although wendy can't stop bugging him about joining in and being the coolest vigilante twins gotham has ever seen. it's a bit isolating for him, sure, considering that everyone in his family is a superhero of some sort, but with tim mostly being a stay at home dad and only managing comms every once in a while it turned out better than it could

it DID get long, and i start to lose the train of thoughts; nevertheless, i hope you'll enjoy this answer 💙 feel free to ask more about them, I'm always up to chatting about my babies

[thisbuildinghasfeelings]

Ranking Carlos' Season 4 Dad Shirts

In lieu of doing anything actually productive, I've spent some time this afternoon ranking Carlos' season 4 dad shirts. I know some people really don't like the dad shirt look, but I'm not vehemently against it, and some of them I like a lot.

There are 16 Carlos shirts from season 4 that I would place in this category. It's actually rather difficult because Rafa would look good if he dressed in a garbage bag, but I did the best I could. From best to worst:

1. The dark denim from 4x12 is my favorite. He just looks really good here. Also, his hair looks so nice. I'm trying not to let his natural beauty influence the shirt rankings, but it's hard to stay objective.

2. This is such a good color on him. It reminds me a little of the sweater he's wearing when he brings TK home in Push. It goes so nicely with his emerald green aura.

3. I honestly think it might just be the association with the soulmates scene, but I really love this shirt. When I see it, I just think SOULMATES.

4. This one is nice, especially right next to TK's pink shirt. They look very good together.

5. This is a nice shirt to wear to go visit your wife.

6. This one feels like something he should be wearing to go chop firewood or something, but he looks great.

7. This one is kind of basic, but it's another nice color on him. And it's the shirt he wears both when he finds out his fiancé doesn't have Huntington's and when he asks his dad to be his best man 😭

8. I think I would like this one a lot better if he wasn't wearing a whole other shirt with buttons under it. Considering the lavish flower arrangement plans from their parents, I feel like Carlos should be trying to wear one shirt at a time to save money. It's another really good color on him, though.

9. This one is like the less-good version of the soulmates scene denim shirt.

10. I don't really like the plaid here, but I do have a fondness for this shirt due to its association with this scene. It's the shirt he wears when he tells TK he realized he wasn't broken the day they met! So it's hard to really dislike it. Also, I think it looks better later paired with his jacket/the badge around his neck.

11. I'm not a huge fan of this one. The color is ok, but I think I generally like the short sleeve dad shirt look less than the long sleeve dad shirt look. HOWEVER, short sleeves mean that we get to see more ARMS. If we would have seen more of this shirt...maybe a scene of Carlos carrying something and flexing his arms...I might have ranked it higher.

12. I don't like this pattern much. He still looks so good, though. It's really hard to criticize shirts while he's wearing them!

13. Just like the way I particularly like the soulmates scene shirt because of the association with the scene, this shirt makes me too sad to rank it higher. It's a good color on him, but it hurts me.

14. We didn't see much of this one, so it's difficult to properly judge it. That said, I don't really like the color. I think maybe it's partly how much the buttons stand out? I don't know, but I'm not a fan. He still looks very beautiful, though.

15. I don't like the pattern of this one. But I do like the fact that he dressed nice and cooked and set the table to have date night in with his fiancé!

16. It was easy to rank this one last. I don't love the color or the stripes. And it's again a problem of association...when I see this shirt, all I see is Carlos' grief-stricken spiraling!

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Maybe I should make another poll 😂

[alpaca-clouds]

The Orphan Without Friends (or: one of my absolute writing pet peeves)

I talked about this before. Without a doubt the strongest influence on my writing has been Digimon Tamers and apart from that the general writing from Chiaki J. Konaka. And there was something I learned from Digimon Tamers that I ever since internalized a lot into my own writing.

See, if you write a story it is very easy to just slide into the trope of making your main character like an orphan without family or friends. It simplifies so many things, especially if you want to send your character onto this epic adventure. This goes doubly so, if you have a character, who is still a minor and would usually be somewhat accountable towards their parents in regards to where they are supposed to be. Also, any friendships the characters form within the story seem so much more meaningful, if your character just does not have other friends.

Meanwhile I am sitting there like: "Thanks, I hate it."

Don't get me wrong. I did the same thing too, when I was a young writer. Heck, even as I was learning from a lot of what Konaka was doing and was able to realize how this kind of writing tended to hurt stories, I still did that. Like all my original stories I wrote before the age of like... 22... followed this kind of writing. Main characters who either were orphans or had abusive parents and no friends.

But here is the thing: It kinda makes stories worse. Especially in terms of character writing.

There is two main aspects to this:

Characters without friends, who like them, are inherently less likeable. (Yes, there literally are studies on this topic.)

Characters without friends and a social environment also tend to come across as less... deep.

Let me explain. See, we humans are still very social animals and as such we tend to subconsciously orient us through other people. As such we are more likely to actually like a character, who is liked by people. Even though those people are not real, our subconscious will still orient itself at it.

You know this kind of YA protagonist, right? The "I am bullied and alone, because people do not get me, because I am not like the other girls!" Which tends to be relatable to a certain subset of readers - but basically everyone past a certain age is probably gonna roll their eyes. And this gets partly back to that. It really gets to the core there. Lonely characters feel like "oh, so special" quickly.

And yes, obviously this can be prevented if you actually work with this. Either turn it into a character weakness of some sort - or at least reflect within the story.

The other aspect is, that through giving character a social group, you actually will develop the character a bit more through those people that surround them. Because we humans have this thing called social cognition. Basically our mental processes will change depending on how we interact with social groups.

And as such... You actually will develop a character through giving them a social group. And it will show. Because who the character is friends with and how the character interacts with their family actually shows a lot about who the character is. It helps. It really helps. It allows you, too, to define the character without going into weird mologues or the likes.

I really am kinda frustrated with how often media really just does not allow characters to have friends outside the group of main characters. It's okay that they have other friends. That is fine.

[clawsofakiller]

Okay I have a crazy headcanon. It's not like insane but it is indeed a wild guess.

So in Sabretooth: Death Hunt, it was confirmed that Mystique lied to Graydon about his father's identity when she raised him alone. She told him his father was a bond trader. And Graydon grew up to be a real guy in finance. He owned the Gee Cee Group of Investment Bankers remember?

The probable reason of his choice of career might be the finance industry is perfect for a guy like Graydon, who's got a smart mouth and a big brain, and a lot of energy, to make a lot of money quickly.

But I have another theory.

Graydon's choice of profession may have been partly influenced by the illusory father figure his mother described to him that had been absent all the time. Maybe he wanted to grow up like that father figure before he was abandoned by Mystique. Then he turned 12 Mystique was like: "Oh btw I lied. Your father is not a bond trade he's just something as feral. So long my son, goodbye!" There goes little Graydon's faith and dream.

Yet the pursuit for this made-up father figure still made him a man in finance. He hates his parents soooo much but his whole life had been affected by them. Mentally and somehow physically because his mother and father both took his life once. Pretty rough huh

[fractualized]

Time for a surprise The Man Who Stopped Laughing post! Here I was all mad that Jason disappeared in TMWSL #11, and then Rosenberg basically decided Gotham War: Red Hood #2 is a TMWSL side story with a lot I was not expecting!

I still hate that there's no effort at a legible timeline but all the surprises in this issue are helping me move past it. (OK I can't lie I'm always going to hate it at least lowkey.)

More thoughts:

So basically the Gotham War stuff is all happening before/during TMWSL #11 meaning the two Jokers were just hanging around Gotham for the two months Bruce was asleep I KNOW I SAID I'D STOP I'LL STOP. Jason strayed into Gotham War at first partly because of his search for Joker, asking the men Selina has recruited for clues about his location, but then he got more involved, enough that GW Red Hood #2 starts with Joker trying to find out where Jason is.

What an interesting turn!

The note does get to Jason, via a dead body (laid to rest by Scarecrow, not Joker).

Ohhh this is a twist. Last month in TMWSL, Ravager gave Manhunter a list of locations from Jason, places to look for Joker, and now we know they were provided by Joker himself?! Because he wants to make sure Jason finds him? And is probably plain insulted that someone who was pursuing him so single-mindedly suddenly stopped? hahaha

Jason says he'll meet up with Ravager in a couple days, but he misses his appointment because, as you may know, Zur-influenced Bruce decides to Clockwork Orange him so he'll feel debilitating fear whenever his adrenaline ratchets up. But Ravager isn't the only one who notices Jason's absence.

Joker did say back in the hospital in TMWSL that he might have plans for Jason, but I took that more as a taunt. I didn't know he actually was depending on Jason being around. (Though given the time jump, that could be a recently created plan.) Also, "Batman can't have him! I TOOK CUSTODY IN THE DIVORCE."

And look at Joker all ready to go with his hat! And the umbrella. The umbrella detail kills me.

It's also just really funny to me that like, sometimes Catwoman in Gotham War acts parental toward Jason. Here, Joker is intent on finding him. In the following pages, Harvey hears what happened to Jason and says Jason is "more one of us than he knows. And he's had a rough life because of that." And then Scarecrow comes upon Jason during a Missing Scene that takes place during Catwoman #58 when Jason tries to save a little girl from a fire...

Just when I'm laughing that Jason is everybody's blorbo, this happens.

MOMMY. Batman is Jason's Daddy, and Joker is Jason's Mommy. Oh my god. Rosenberg, you magnificent glowing sunrise.

Joker chases Scarecrow away like a disobedient cat with his squirtgun, and then turns back to Jason.

I think Grundy's pee could probably still ward Scarecrow off. Also is Joker mad Jason didn't tell his parents they have a granddaughter? :(

Joker again insisting Jason is important for his plans. Joker saying he's going to fix Jason, his "sweet boy." Is Joker of all people going to undo what Bruce did? That would be pretty hilarious, something to hang over Bruce's head later.

But whatever it is, it's not going to happen now, of course. Joker leaves Jason under the beam so the scene can play out as it does in Catwoman #58, in which Jason did not mention Scarecrow or Joker. I'm not sure if that's just because he still wants to take care of his own business or that he's not sure they were real.

I'm assuming all this means Jason will in fact appear in the TMWSL finale, though suddenly afraid of everything, which will be kind of weird for people only reading that story. Then again, maybe Bruce will end up fixing Jason himself in the last GW issue on Halloween, with how weird and inconsistent the GW writing has been.

Regardless, this particular issue was an unexpected delight, and it's boosted my assumption that the end of TMWSL #11 is a fakeout and this Joker is very much the real one. Too much would hit different in a bad way if he wasn't…

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

[I have a post in my drafts that I might never publish because it's hard to elaborate without bringing up examples of specific things people have written or directly said to me, and it might come across as a long dunk fest (which is not my intention, and it might detract for my actual points). But I want to share these parts of it]

When Simon and Agatha date, Agatha sets the pace.

It might not seem like it because she's still trapped in a role and in a place she doesn't want to be. She's still feeling unheard and invisible. It might be in a way that might or might not matter. But she still does.

I think that the reader is not immune to the very same heteronormativity and gender roles that were trapping for Simon and Agatha, which might influence them to reach mistaken conclusions. Conclusions that aren't compatible with what the characters actually express, but that are compatible with assumptions about what boys and girls are supposed to feel and behave. It explains the ease with which Agatha's disinterest seems to be picked up, but Simon is seen as eagerly into it even though his disinterest is louder. He might not be as direct as Agatha, but part of why I post so much about him and not Agatha is partly because I admittedly haven't paid as much attention to her POV, and partly because he actually gives many more signs (what with him being the main character and having more POVs and all).

However, if you think about it, Simon is very passive while dating Agatha. He's facing it like it's something that's happening to him, rather than something he's choosing to do. He wonders if he should kiss her not because he wants to, but because he thinks he's supposed to. He even thinks about things he's supposed to be doing with her... and still doesn't do it. Simon, the guy who acts first and thinks later. Look at that. If something is happening, outside of Simon refusing to let Agatha talk about what happened with Baz (but he tellingly doesn't refuse with Baz, he does basically a jealous scene and wants explanations with him) is because Agatha is doing something.

They break up when Agatha says so (Simon laters expresses things that imply he has wanted to break up before but didn't want to be the one to do it). If Agatha says Simon shouldn't go her house, Simon doesn't fight it (even though her parents are the ones inviting him like, this shit goes beyond Agatha). If they're going out, it's only if Agatha wants it – "she wouldn't go to the movies with me" implies she was the only one of the two who would choose to not do something she doesn't actually want to do, at least occasionally, and to actually say something. He even talks about being friends like it's something Agatha allowed to happen because they were trapped in her house together, instead of them just... clicking or something. Simon thinks about not wanting to lose a friendship he has had half his life (when he should tellingly be thinking about not wanting to lose his girlfriend) but he's still not doing shit to prevent this. He's like "I'll just say yes to whatever she wants" (I've talked about the difference between Simon "giving in" to Agatha vs giving in to Baz, one is survival mode that avoids processing, the other one is a Simon who knows his wants and needs and is moved by a desire to take care of his love). I've said this by considering general context and motivations even before realizing the extent to which Agatha sets the pace, but I'll say it again: I beg y'all to release yourself from the shackles of heteronormative gender roles. Sex wouldn't have happened because Simon is a boy and thus would be the one asking for it. Agatha sets the pace (it is Agatha, and not Simon, who can even think about it, but those are other posts you can find here)

Also, Simon is genuinely a bad boyfriend (not that Agatha was a good girlfriend either, we could say that sometimes she was even a bad friend – I suppose the same could be said about Simon and even Penny – and I say this as someone who would have done the same "questionable" shit in Agatha's shoes – as someone who doesn't want to be uncomfortable in my own house even for a second, when she uninvited Simon from her house knowing damn well he didn't anywhere else to go, but preferring to make that Penny's problem, I completely understood) (It was also the best choice, I mean, if Agatha uninvites Simon, he's mildly annoyed but gets over it quickly. Imagine Agatha trying to have "tact" and going to her parents. If they don't listen to her with something that's about her comfort in her own house, even if it's reasonable, how would Agatha feel? and if they do listen and uninvite Simon, which would translate into direct rejection by adults who have always welcomed him before, what would that do to Simon? He self-harms in a similar situation, when Penny is saying her mom doesn't want Simon in her house...)

Some things people want to give Simon good boy cookies for are actually things you should be crediting Agatha with. Outside of saving Agatha when she gets kidnapped, Simon doesn't take care of her. For the love of god, there's no scenario, romantic or sexual, where he's good to her. That's like, very specifically part of Agatha's grievances. Agatha is the one who tries to take care of Simon in some way because he lives dangerously, and she would very much prefer not to have a dead friend, and she's forced to choose to save herself and run when it's clear there's nothing she can do for a guy who won't listen to her. I think people can be uncharitable to her when they see her selfishness and the sort of awkward bluntness that can be off-putting, which are her flaws, but she's not made of stone, nor is she unrelatable or hard to understand. In that vein, being a sucky ass boyfriend are part of what makes Simon interesting. It doesn't make him a bad person! In fact, it's very interesting and notable that Simon, who doesn't know how to be in a loving relationship, who doesn't know how to identify romantic love, who has always been neglected... it wouldn't be crazy for that type of person to be bad at a relationship, to be neglectful and hurtful (you gotta remember he made Agatha cry) and to not realize that. But Simon is aware! I think it's such a big sign of his goodness that he's able to identify he's being bad to her when it would make so much sense for him to be unaware. It would make sense for the neglected to not realize he's being neglectful. The fact that he realizes and feels guilty about it, but still doesn't do anything to change (he doesn't know how, he doesn't have the tools and, as brave as he can be, doesn't have the courage to do what must be done here: letting go) is what makes him a relatable, flawed and thus interesting human being. It's part of what reveals what he actually wants (and what he doesn't want) before he's able to identify it. It's a manifestation of his unhappiness, of doing what he thinks he's supposed to, even if he doesn't want it.

I actually think there's a point with Simon being a genuinely bad boyfriend until he's putting in the work to be good for Baz. It's part of his character growth. Part of it is that he's taking his cues from Baz, a natural caretaker – he genuinely doesn't know how to be a good boyfriend until he's learning from Baz. But we can see by Simon's ability to see when he's being bad and neglectful that he already has the right instincts. What he was lacking was motivation, which he only gets when he figures out he loves and wants Baz, and that a future (which he never considered he would actually have, not even when he talked about marriage with Agatha, his actual belief was that he was going to die soon) without Baz is intolerable. When he decides he wants Baz to be his future.

[sixosix]

THOUGHTS THOUGHTS THOUGHTS THOUGHTS- Akjsdhfaksljhflka Exam season ended earlier than i thought so it's time to poke for details! 

I gotta start off with me kicking my feet over my shared theories from last time. They weren’t fully right but AAAA

The fact that Thawed!Reader was a distraction to Lyney and Father leaving her alone all this time…asjkghhsgaf Her just casually mentioning, ‘oh yeah, I knew she couldn’t have gone far’... And her implying that she had already had a plan to deal with this type of situation before Aether interfered just says so much about her character. I wonder how different it was going to be, because it seemed like she was just going to leave T!Reader be until she actually interfered like now. Maybe use the potion still? Relocation? Her character both in general and here makes it seem like she wouldn’t just kill her without a second thought. 

Also, I like to imagine the research she did into Rosalie was not only to come up with a plan as to what to do now that there were new variables, but to make sure her child was at least going to be ok under Rosalie’s care. After her not-a-answer answer…. Adlkfhjasldkfjlaks Father cares in her weird way it's fine, don't worry.

I love the inclusion of the potion from her story quest by the way! I think it adds a more devastating twist than what I originally thought may have been on the line, like her life. Like, Thawed!Reader would be perfectly fine, but not only does she lose memories of all the recent (and previous) memories such as any positive moments with Aether or her familial connection with Rosalie, but also people who deeply care about her (Rosalie, our fauti trio, maybe aether and paimon?) suddenly lose their friend since her identity is so closely tied to being a part of the Fauti. From being one to becoming a runaway one, almost every action she has taken till now has been influenced by her past and if she accepts then it's all gone. I know you mentioned that Lyney would absolutely still chase after Thawed!Reader even if she took the potion and he had to start from the beginning(which absolutely see it ashdlaksh) but there is absolutely no way he wouldn’t feel any short of hurt by that. Even as he tries to woo her for a third time, he’s going to be holding on to memories he can’t tell her about for multiple reasons. Experiences he adores like sparing but she may not be able to do any more. 

(Speaking of the potion, i do have my own theories on what may happen with everyone involving that… but i’ll share that in a separate ask.)

The Knave’s and Rosalie interaction was so nice; both sets of parents really do be fighting huh. But while T!Reader’s and Lyney’s was a bit more high strung, the other parents feels a bit more like understanding each other. Not that they like it, i mean, look at Rosalie. It felt like two different parents trying to co-parent, if that makes sense? I mean, like I mentioned before, if the Knave really wanted to, she could have just killed T!Reader and even Rosalie and be done with it. But besides wanting Rosalie to act as bait; she mostly had a calm discussion, and seemed to keep Rosalie’s feelings in mind as a fellow parent of this kid. I mean, she even reined in the soldiers when they lashed out at our favorite flower shop owner in their blind loyalty. And her kinda silent approval at Rosalie’s answer about the potion? Why is the set of parents that includes a harbinger having the calmer convo? (Gotta ask as well! What flower did Father give Maman? Despite the meanings, I do think that considering her ascension materials, it may have been a rainbow rose. But if we consider other Fontaine flowers, Lumiose bells also fit well! And Romaritime flowers sadfasfasdf…) 

As for T!Reader and Lyney- akdfjalskjf THE PARENTS REALLY DO BE FIGHTING HERE! Dear god the tension rising in the situation, T!Reader is blinded by worry and anger while Lyney is partly blinded by love and his want to help. Paimon, Aether and Lynette are the audience at this point (although, gotta say, love the explanation to how they know there T!Reader lives! Despite how she’s acting now in the context of Rosalie being kidnapped, it was a perfect compromise to deliver the gift but let T!Reader keep some form of privacy. Too bad it is also working against the twins in this moment with  Arlecchino’s plans. Plus, they may have found out anyway due to the fact their crew of workers had also seen T!Reader around Fontaine in the past. All it would take was one of the workers going to Rosalie’s shop while T!Reader was working.)

Lyney almost said love!! My man had a confession moment!! Too bad that it was in the middle of a fight. That whole conversation had layers I want to poke at for more information. Lyney’s automatic confirmation of betraying Father for T!Reader, her calling Rosalie her mother to everyone, Aether’s hurt at her blaming him, T!Readers fixation on the fact that; from her point of view; Lyney is only taking and taking and taking.But it's her exit that caught my eye the most. It felt like a really cool parallel from back in chapter three when T!Reader gained her vision. 

Both times T!Reader was upset and angry, and Lyney comes in as both connected to the source of her problems as well as someone who just wants to help her. Both times she lashes out at people (the fight/freezing during the first and the cruel words plus biting cold in the second). And both times she walks away leaving behind a barrier of ice (technically it was a door covered in some ice in the second fight but shh we’re still counting it).

I wonder if Lyney also recognized the parallels as well, since his tone switched from stubborn and confident to weak pleading the moment T!Reader starting walking away! Just the echoes of it, I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere in lyney’s thought process was just like ‘not again, please not again’. All the effort and care he took into trying to not scare her off again just went down the drain by Arelcchino’s actions, and just like before, he’s unable to convince her to stay and let him help. However, this time, he has a lead in the form having some knowledge on Father’s methods as well as knowing that T!Reader is going to try and go after her to get Rosalie. And I’d be willing to bet money that he’s going to latch onto that and not let go. 

Also, remember how my first ask mentioned aether being a deadman once lyney found out that he blackmailed Thawed!Reader? Yeah I think we’re at that point, we’re gonna see this man go feral like he did in the fortress. Not to mention Rosalie and (maybe) Arlecchino’s reaction. I doubt Arlecchino will actually do something since the potion is already her plan but I’m sure she’s curious about how the traveler pushed up the timeline. And I doubt Rosalie is gonna be a happy maman once she learns why her daughter started hanging out with the Outlander. 

P.S, totally for absolutely no reason in particular… how do you feel about fanfics of your fanfics?

-deadman aether anon

HHEHEHE IM SO GLAD U STOPPED APOLOGIZING FOR LONG ASKS its about time…. WE LOVE THIS SHIT!!!!!

- father does care!!!!! and it shows even in canon lore!!!!!!! ofc the children wont have it easy and they wont be spoiled rotten with affection but i think thats what makes arlecchinos way of doing things even more special and i rlly wanted to incorporate that here toooo

- yesss:( mc’s entire identity is VERY tied to her “past” as a fatuus! of course lyney wouldnt be happy about mc forgetting everything that made their relationship, because what they had was very special to him!! (and i would love to hear that potion train of thought)

- i think i didnt write it clear enough which is my fault! but the flower i was hoping to hint that arlecchino was giving to rosalie was the “Snezhnayan” flower that Arle bought from her a few chapters ago. fun fact i didnt want to assume to whatever hyv had planned for snezhnaya flowers, but i wanted it to be a flower that had originated from khaenriah but still became relevant to snezhnaya. so to rosalie, it was just an imported flower, but it was one that was unique enough to make her remember whoever bought it!

- and yes HAGSHAHA i found it hilarious to write in that rosalie and arlecchino would have a calm meeting while lyney and mc are a mess and a half. i think it shows that they both have a long way to go before they reach the same level as the other two:)))

- THE PARALLEL!!!! YUUPPPPPPP i wanted to reference it in the next chapter too in case people didnt realize it but im glad u caught it BAHAHAA

- i guess we will find out if aether truly will be a dead man next chapter…. Didnt even get the chance to reunite with his sister ohhh poor boy. this is why u dont blackmail someone! learn from aether, everyone

- ALSOHELLO??? fanfics of my fanfics? oh. PLEASE. hello. YES! i would absolutely love to see how people interpret my series and the characters within them:( that would be such a joy!!!!!! but i also just want to see how people think of thawed!lyney HAHAHHA

[caitlynnrosespn]

My Brezziana backstory, written specifically for @thxrnking !! I'll try to keep it brief but uhhhh... it's a lot!:D

So in 2019 we were introduced to an interesting couple- these two.

If you are unfamiliar with these characters:

This is Rita Piña. First introduced in JD 2016 as the first Just Dance drag queen, she was the coach for Drop The Mambo.

And this is the coach for Love Me Again, from 2015. We have no canon name for him, so I named him Mateo.

Mateo and Leon (who I hc to be Rita out of drag) are the adoptive parents of Brezziana. I saw this because I totally see Brezz's love for orange and her iconic blue jacket being inspired by them.

Also should mention that most of this past this point is just my headcanons, so stick with me.

Brezziana was originally born to two young influencers, both of whom were severely under qualified to raise a child, especially one they found out was hard of hearing (this actually has some canonical value, there was a post on the French page with official art that gave Brezziana hearing aids), so they decided to put her in foster care in hopes she'll end up with more qualified parents. Leon and Mateo adopted her, and were big influences to her love of dance and inspiring others.

Her bio parents ended up having another child though.

Gabriela, P1 from Wasabi Alt from 2024.

I will DIE on the hill that Gabi is Brezz's little sister. Sane hair, similar color palette, both Dancity maps. That's enough for me.

Gabi was also given to Mateo and Leon, since theor parents decided that Gabi should be with her older sister.

Then, tragedy struck:3

Leon was taken away from them in an accident (she is the only drag queen not to make another appearance since 2019 in game) leaving Mateo heartbroken. Gabi was still very young, so Brezziana took it upon herself to pick up the broken pieces. She was going to be the strong one.

She spent her entire life being stronger, being the one to motivate others. She as an adult became an influencer, partially because it was the best job for her personality and partly because she kind of wanted to meet her bio parents (she never did).

That's why Nightswan targeted her giving spirit, knowing that no one had poured into her for years. All these people she was so strong for... yet who was strong for her?

AS FOR MY RAREPAIR.

Now. It's kind of odd, but no unwarranted judgement.

This is the Bad Habits coach from 2022 (also my personal favorite map). My friend @iconafvckinshard has given him the name Kam, short for Kameron, along with the coolest lore ever but that's for him to share not me. Don't want to steal his ideas or make them seem as my own. Just know I see it all as canon.

There's a few reasons I ship these two. Number one, both from Dancity. Number two, they're flow has a similar neon look to each other. And Number three.

All of their maps are choreographed by the same person, Jerky Jessy. But there's a difference between the two.

Brezzianas maps require so much strength, making you dig deep and give everything until by the end there's nothing left to give. Kams is also tiring, but more controlled. You need strength in your core, and you still have energy left after his dance.

While Brezziana gives until she litteraly can not, Kam knows when to give a little and when to give a lot. He's someone she can fall back on... when she learns to let someone else be strong for her.

Hope this made sense, hope yall like it, please ask for permission before using as your own!!!