#that was my first and only edit ive ever made. now becoming an edit person

[bloodyrawsweet]

ethel cain reblogged my bones and all edit with her song...... Nobody fucking move omg

[stitchwraith-stingers]

CUPIDS GUIDE TO STIMBOARD MAKING

i want to state off that theres no wrong way of making it! for excample, i personally dont like using slime and soap cutting gifs but others might really like using them and thats ay-ok! just my own advice for people who might also want to do them, since my own sideblog is just self indulgent boards lol

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CREDIT UR GIFS

pinterest is your worst nightmare, alot of stolen and reuploaded gifs, people take time to make these gifs! i just usually link back to where i found these gifs, heres a post explaining it

for mobile its harder so i reccomend just pasting the links to whatever post that have the gifs you like in a draft and after youre done for the time being and are ready to put them you paste them one by one where youd like to put them (tutorial by stimboardboy here)

heres my own little link-back banner thingy i use so you can copy and paste -> 1 2 3 / 4 5 6 / 7 8 9 ; i myself just use different emojis corrilating to the theme but you do you, its your board

since im a laptop user, i usually download about 4-5 gifs on their own and when i have to download more i just override the savefile on those ones (make sure to save the boards before doing this! it could remove the previous gif due to it not being there now lol)

how to find gifs

heres afew tips from another person!

been using this tip ever since i was told this, say i only want to find blue, you type #stim #blue in the search tag!

and just like that, viola! posts that contain blue gifs! works abunch of other stuff

you can add another tag if you want to, and its mainly how i use to find my own gifs! i reccomend trying other tags like #Blue stim since ive also seen people tag certain things like that, go crazy!

cant find it? you can gif it yourself!

i personally find my own stuff via youtube shorts or tiktok, but if its a long video that you cant (i use icecream recorder, which has its own little watermark so i make sure i clip it slightly bigger) a

s for my own clipped videos, which is the middle pic, i just paste them onto a tumblr draft and download them on my computer from there since i dont like using my phone often, kinda a hassle, if you have the space then i reccomend google drive or emails instead lol

and then i use ezgif! which ill segway into talking about how to use it to color

it can be kinda tricky, sometimes it works well and other times it. doesnt lol, note to self that if you want the gif to become black and white (like these two) you check grayscale, not monochrome

if you want the tint to be lighter you have to put it at 100%, but other then that you cant make it lighter so it can look a little bit awkward and sometimes the hue wont be the best, try messing around with the saturation and brightness if you have to but i myself say that its semi hit-or-miss

i heard people using photoshop to edit their gifs but i cant help you with that from then on, lol

but what do i put in there?

i usually pick between 2-4 themes to use for my gifs and its by association, ill use afew of my own as excamples

first one is based off an episode, so my idea is what happens in it ill base it off, the whole idea is that its a board game set in the desert, with alot of biking and a snake antagonist, so i looked up those 4 subsecently

the second one is a character who has 4 different forms, and used to live in a rainforest, and by extention ill use rain gifs with the rain- part of it

if you ever need help then you can also look up said character to see if other stimboards were made of them for inspo, though that might not be very reliable if the character youre looking up for is sorta niche (me being the only person to consistantly post fop boards 😭😭) but you should give it a try anyways

of course you dont have to stay on a association theme, you could just look up brown and blue because the characters color scheme is brown and blue, thats up for you to decide!

find other blogs to help find gifs!

i reccomend finding other blogs to find gifs, afew i personally reccomend are deadboystims, starclanstims / battlecatstims / brightpawstims, stimboardboy, talos-stims and heartnosekid! its going to be a little bit harder since the search system on actual blogs is very finnicky lol but if you dig you could maybe find something you like

also another thing i reccomend is looking at blogs that archive old gifs from deleted accounts, accounts like stimkids, stimgifarchive, vintagestims and deletedstimgifs

stimmyvillain and stimmyvillainarchive also have aton of old gifs you can use, just arent circulated as often

other stuff

like i mentioned i reccomend just putting the links to posts with gifs you want to use untill youre ready to properly update your draft and link them back, and with every gif i upload i like to save the post as often as possible, thats just me being me though

that should be it, i dont think i missed anything but if anyone wants to ask questions lmk 👍 i hope this was cohirent as possible akjhkajhkajha

[akpinkprincesss]

I'm catching up on woe begone and it just got me thinking about some of the characters, like really thinking about them and damn it hurts.

i was thinking about lieutenant and it made me realize that he was a victim. what he went through was worse then anyone could ever imagine and he had to adapt to survive. Of course that doesn't excuse his actions but he isn't a horrible person doing things our of malice, he is a victim who did horrible things his abuser (the man who brainwashed him into obeying his every word) told him to.

and its not like ANY of the other mikes have it easier, michaels especially. Like i think the reason they (michaels) all hate lieutenant is because they have all been through horrible pain and suffering. They all have lost edgar and i think most (if not all) of the ones who are alive right now were held in the compound and also tortured, they just werent brainwashed.

In general i think the michales have a hard time empathizing with other characters because they dont want to get close to others in case they die. But any version of mike also have a hard time empathizing with lieutenant because they were also tortured and they didnt react like that. However they forget that trauma victims will do whatever it takes to survive and in this case lieutenant had to become the perfect solider or else he would die, or worse. and the only character who witnessed the torture first hand is either dead, doesnt interact with lieutenant at all or doesnt care which proves my point (i cannot remember what happened to that michael)

and after i had those realizations it sent me on a mini spiral about the W.B "villains" are actually just victims, these are usually iterations of the mikes. Like this nobody guy who just appeared (for me) i dont know what his deal is (and i dont want you to tell me) but the way hes talking it cant be good. The way he could withstand a gunshot for as long as he did doesnt give me good vibes. of course that could be of his own design but i dont know yet and when it comes to mike walters i can hope for the best but expect the worst.

of course not every villain in the story is a victim, like eagle he can taste the carbon of my bat as i slam it full force into his face. but some of them are just victim to circumstance and the horrible events that always follow mike walters.

thanks for reading my long ass rant, ive had feelings that i needed to get out. i might have more to say on the topic later but for now i will leave it. also ignore grammer mistakes im not in the mood to edit right now :/

ive been listening to this podcast on and off for about 2 years now? so there are bound to be mistakes in lore as i forget things and ill go a few months without listening then binge the 10+ episodes so if you have any notes please add them (without spoilers please i am only on episode 154 thanks)

note: do not take this the wrong way i love this show and this is NOT a criticism of the writing :D

[samyanggs]

can you please do yandere headcannons for heimdall and buddha? (also srry if I did this wrong, it’s my first time requesting for anything)

ahhh sorry I just got out of school and is currently going home. Ty for the request! And you’re fine! I can do heimdall and Buddha Yandere headcanons. Ive got a headache tho so sorry if some of these doesn’t make sense I’ll edit it later on after my headache is gone (I can barely think rn so I’m sorry if this isn’t done to your liking)

Warnings: gore(?), mentions of violence(?), manipulation(?), mentions/implied kidnapping, and others (I don’t support any of these actions done in this, this is just for entertainment for fictional characters)

Yandere headcanons

Buddha

Where did you come from and why were you so goddamn pretty? EVERYTIME he saw you or talked to you he got even more mesmerised by you. You even went out of your way to get him some sweets to snack on. You were perfect, at least in his eyes. You deserved everything so he did whatever he could for you. And you only.

He absolutely hated seeing somebody other than him talk, flirt or even look at you. If they went missing the next day after looking at you? He totally didn’t have anything to do with it.. totally.. anyways how was your day?

Someone touched you? Even if it was a friendly touch? No. Nobody can touch you nobody but Buddha at least.. he’ll allow family members and close friends but if anyone gets too close or goes a bit too far? Gone, and maybe dead the next day.

God you were plaguing his mind and he couldn’t stop thinking about you. He wanted, craved and needed your touch. Doesn’t matter where, his hand? His arm? His head? He doesn’t mind. He just wants you.

He will actually give and devote his entire being to you if it meant that you would be with him forever. Numerous thoughts came to his mind EVERYTIME he thought about you. All of them, needy, wanting and craving for you.

You recently got a boyfriend? Oh. Seems that he was too late.. maybe he should just give up? ��� HAH never. He’s never going to give you up. You’re his and he’s yours. It goes both ways. If you already took his heart (despite unknowingly) he might as well take your heart too.. literally or metaphorically? yes.

Oh no.. your boyfriend broke up with you.. and now you’re crying in his arms.. would you like to stay with me? Do you need anything? You deserve someone better. He said hugging you, whispering in your ear. He comforted you. He made himself keep a straight and sympathetic face but he honestly couldn’t be any happier. Now that, that.. that person was out of the picture he might have a chance.

Let me take care of you. I can do it for you. Let me do it. He did everything for you.. everything that someone like a boyfriend would do to be exact. Was he doing this on purpose? Perhaps, but it was working, you started to become easily flustered, blushing and stuttering mess around him. You’re finally his. And only his.

Heimdall

Uhh hellooooo? Who were you exactly? And why did you catch his interest so goddamn fast with those amazing looks of yours? You seemed like a good person and you were so adorable and cute.. he couldn’t just let you go like that. He went up to you and made conversation and he was right. You were an amazing person AND you were cute and adorable, well to him at least.

He made sure to talk to you everyday until you got closer to him. You were in his mind 24/7 without stop, he even started dreaming about you! You were so perfect and you both fitted together like a puzzle piece.. you guys just clicked. He’d be damned if he couldn’t have you.

He saw someone talking to you and he got jealous.. maybe too jealous because the next thing he knew he had somebody tied up to a chair in his basement. The next, he was picking up a metal bat and beating the shit out of the guy. He put down the bat soon after thinking that it was enough for now and warned the guy if he ever tried to go near you, warn you, look at you or even breath the same air as you that he’d kill him. The guy quickly agreed, afraid of heimdall.

He loved seeing you smile so he tried his best to make you smile whenever. He wanted, needed, craved and lived for your smile. He will sell his soul to you if it meant that you would keep smiling so pleasantly to him.

He was so terribly jealous once he found out that you found a lover. However, just to make you happy he endured the pain, jealousy and rage that he had in his body anytime he saw or heard your boyfriends name.

Your boyfriend cheated on you? Ok. Now your boyfriend was hurting you? It was bad when you both were together anyways but now he’s cheating on you? Thats the trigger. He comforted you, holding you close relishing in your warmth and touch whispering sweet nothings to you as he planned out how he was going to murder talk to him.

If your “boyfriend” suddenly disappeared the next day, he had no idea on who did it! He swears! But it was okay now. At least your boyfriend won’t hurt you anymore. A small price to pay for your happiness..

[gumi-writes]

i accidently sent your friend an ask i was gonna send you (common sense... i barely know her heart emoji) but yea the main thing i wanted to ask was if you had any more trivia about tien because wow they stir my frontal lobe like lentil soup... any idea for her routes? did you pick out a flower for her? i don't think ive seen that yet on your blog. minor trivia?

EDIT: LMAO THIS IS 1.4K WORDS LONG SO GOD HELP ME

yowza. you've done it now, anon (positive)! there's a lot under this cut but i wanted to answer everything and i'm incapable of not doing it as verbosely as possible LOL you have my apologies in advance <3

first off, i did get your previous messages passed onto me! please don't fret at all haha, at the very least, it was very flattering to be associated with them! in return, i will be very normal about about your asks and in fact only reread them a reasonable amount of times, i promise.

honestly, this entire thing was so incredibly written lmfao. you blast me with a compliment on the character design then plonk one of the most thoughtful examination of monster vs humanity alongside the discussion of nurture vs nature i've ever seen? never in all my years on tumblr has an anon ever micdropped me like that HAHA i have to at least try to return the favour!

monstrosity as something that's nurtured, or imposed, or chosen, or innate... my initial thought that it's probably a combination of everything BUT personal choice, and a part of that stems from the kind of thing survival in this world seems to demand in the first place. death is cheap, and monsters freely roam what seems to be a world on its last legs—is a choice between surviving and having the means to survive or dying really a choice at all? is it not more a matter of a forced hand or simply a cornering that you either get out of or die from? some part of it must be innate, or there'd be nothing to nurture. another portion must be imposed, because that is what happens when you have no say. most of all is the fact the threshold for violence that the world enforces on you means that you have to meet it somehow—through grit, or strength, or something.

and tiên's response was answered for her, in a sense—to become a manmade monster with little to fear but with all the ennui dogging the heels of her manufactured nigh functional invincibility, and an unbreakable leash binding her to the hand that would never give up their favourite toy. even with all her all her strength, there's a strange defeatism about her—that she cannot fight the hand that's fed her, that she would rid them of herself, but she has just enough pride to strive for the ambition of dying for something worthwhile so that at least at the very last her power might be good for something in her life.

if that makes sense. :P but i'll finish this section by letting you know that iron maiden was actually @/laymes-arts suggestion! i'm quite enamoured with it myself!

as for her route, i do actually have a lot of thoughts considering i conceptualised her as a fake love interest! i always thought it was a little interesting that we didn't get someone from the senobium as an option (vere technically doesn't count, considering he feels like an outside contractor but like one forced into that position, so to speak), so her initial role as nun was made in partial response to that!

but it was going to be a route that really toyed with the player/mc's sense of suspicion and ability to trust her even though she was their chosen character. you were going to get embroiled in a mystery of these curious corpses with no visible wounds while rumours of a serial killer lay afoot, all the while having to navigate a tenuous new relationship in the potential hope that tiên would be the key into getting into the senobium and getting the information to a blessed cure. of course, then you'd find out that she is behind these deaths, possibly during a midkill—and the thing about tiên is that she doesn't like inflicting violence on other people, not quite out of altruism but because it's a waste of her strength, so she kills them rather gently, by kissing them and then pouring her blood into their lungs and then taking it back out again after they die of what is essentially drowning. she'd then of course reveal her role as a nun to basically be just a front for her actual purpose: the senobium's favoured weapon and their enemies' biggest threat. potentially something you yourself, or rather, the mc themselves, was going to become, so it was up to you whether or not that was a dealbreaker. i also floated around the idea of tiên appearing in other character's bad endings, wherein she'd get sent after them by the senobium and well. if it's one thing i made tiên for, it was her ability to win in a fight every time HAHA

and yep! i've both picked a flower and @/laymes-art has a flower portrait in progress haha! but i gave her the foxglove! there's various reasons, but the main reasons were that:

i thought it was fun that it was an abbreviation of folk's glove, wherein folk refers to faefolk, and tiên's name means fairy in vietnamese

it's a flower used in healing but can be poisonous in large amounts, which reminded me of tiên's relationship with her blood—both a source of her strength and what is keeping her alive and functionally immortal, but also the reason behind her body's endless chronic pain and the inability to deny those that made her into what she is access to her abilities and strength, given that the other half of her halved monster's heart is with them

the flower itself kind of looks like it has blood spots on the inner petals

and i always have trivia haha, but i'll throw out a couple more here:

her blood, on it's own, is not toxic to drink. the problem is, however, that it is incredibly emphatic to it's owner, and because of tiên's facial blindness and complete lack of social skills or experience, most people are simply foreign, faceless entities to her. as a result, her blood treats them as it would any foreign intruder in her body—much like it would purge any toxin or alcohol, it will attempt to to the same to any person that tiên has no pre-existing relationship with. which, given that that's a large portion of the population, the senobium are fond of drawing blood from her and utilising it both as a method of torture AND a potential avenue of experimentation, should they luck out and manage to make another tiên.

when her blood is ingested, she forms temporary, one way psychic connections with people where she can feel how they're feeling. given that her own emotions are very muted, this is honestly her only opportunity to connect with any kind of humanity, though this does mean that she's felt every death that has had her blood in someone. if you are a repeat drinker (somehow), tiên will instinctively always know where you are, which does help override her facial blindness to some extent.

tiên's method of differentiating between people is very simplistic: either you're the people who made her into who she is now, or you're not. as a result, she has alarmingly low standards of how she's treated—so long as you do not torture her extensively or force her to kill, you'll be on fine terms with her. that being said, this trait is offset by both strength and unflappability—at the very least, it's very hard to bully someone that does not react.

more fun little facts: given blood's role in regulating the body's temperature, tiên has perfect control over how hot or cool she is + she smells very sweet but with a tinge of iron, like bloodied honey + she has absolutely no social skills and only gets away with it because she barely initiates conversation + she genuinely thinks she's forgettable because almost no one approaches her + she has a garden in the ruins in an abandoned church, where all the flowers have grown after being watered by her blood

phew! okay! i have. a lot more honestly, but this is looking worrying long LMAO. thank you if you've gotten this far, but even if you skimmed it, i appreciated the opportunity to write all this out HAHA, it was mostly just sitting in my head anyway.

either way anon... it's insane to think that my oc could have this kind of impact on someone else, so like i hope my response showcased my thanks and gratitude at least a little bit??? HAHA at the very least, i'll be thinking about your ask and mining it for serotonin for like the next long while!

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

k, m, n, t for pd and/or suck!!! >:33333

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

-> you know i gotta say wiwi. i have to. that character was Made For Me i swear to GOD . genuinely i cannot think about prime defenders season 2 episode 39 without feeling physically sick bc i love it so much. its the only one i havent relistened to since i heard it the first time. i KNOW its gonna make me cry again so i genuienly have not touched it even though theres things in there i need to hear again for character research. his arc is so like. narratively satisfying in a way that hits me so fucking deep to my core in an extremely personal way. and like. there were definitely some Decisions that i was REALLY ANNOYING about hating when they were brought up because im used to media with bad storytelling/creators that do not care about their characters but. looking back on it i would not change a single thing about it. i love you wiwi so much.

-> FOR SUCK.... its not over yet. so i cannot definitively say. campaign finale comes out tomorrow so my answer may change depending on that but for right now i think i gotta say arthur. i joke a lot about hating arthur for no real reason in particular but. man his story is just REALLY good. not going 2 give you suck spoilers (hehe) but i also really like how shilo has grown through the campaign. hes my little guy :]

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

-> TIDE. TIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIDE TIDE TIDE I LOVE TIDE SO MUCH. thats my dad thats my best friend i love tide so much dude. every time he is mentioned or on screen i am just like :D HI TIDE I LOVE YOU TIDE

-> grefgore :] light of my life this is how i feel anytime i think about grefgore

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

-> CHARACTER STUDIES. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I LIKE A GOOD SHIPPING FIC AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY BUT PLEASE GOD WRITE THEM IN CHARACTER. EXPLORE THEIR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS AND WHY THEY MAKE CERTAIN DECISIONS THE WAY THEY DO. this doesnt even go for just pd and suck this is like. true for every single fandom ive ever fucking been in. do you know how hard it is to find character studies in the danny phantom tag on ao3. nobody has even fucking watched the show how are they going to write character studies they just want (<< i cannot legally finish this sentence without getting in so much trouble) I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF AROUND HERE. ALL I EVER WRITE ARE CHARACTER STUDIES BC THATS THE WAY I THINK ABOUT CHARACTERS. I LOVE THEIR MOTIVATIONS I LOVE TO GET INSIDE THEIR BRAINS LIKE A LITTLE PARASITE AND IT IS ALWAYS SURPRISING TO ME WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT THINK LIKE THIS. (edit im just now reading through this and realized the question says three things. i did not process that. my three things are all more character studies please)

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

-> oh dude i have so many hmmmmmmm how to choose just one. i have a LOT of feelings about wiwis original death and i might write something about that when i can get over my shrimp emotions about him. dakota cole audhd truther but that ones pretty much canon anyway so i dont think it counts. vyncent and his relationship with growing up in fantasy world and then being thrown into prime and how he adjusted to that. I think he really lies shitty syfy channel type horror movies that are so stupidly bad. and also plays a lot of video games but again i think thats mostly canon already. i think tide listens to dad rock but also like. ocean man by ween. you already know about my william and ashe being each others emotional support at concerts. i think william and ashe should hang out and do emo kid things more. i also have a lot of feelings about ashe and coping with the crippling loneliness of basically growing up alone and how the pd becoming like INSTANT best friends was so much for him in sooo many ways. you already know how i feel about mark i am in the middle of dissecting him like im in a high school biology class as we speak. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i know im gonna think of something really good after i hit the post button so stay tuned

[sincerely-sofie]

The finishing of this fanfic has left me with some pretty mixed emotions. On the one hand, I dont want it to end. It's such an incredible piece of work and even though I finally committed to reading it a few weeks ago, it already feels like such a significant part of my life. On the other hand, I'm a little glad that it's over. FAR from the sense it was bad (I'll steal your liver if thats how you interpret it) but moreso in the sense that it was like a good crying session. It's something that a lot of us (or I assume a lot of us) typically want to avoid even though we know its good for us, and satisfying after the fact. It's like catharsis in a way. Endings aren't always a great feeling in the moment, but it's something that we can look back on with a fondness.

I'm so glad I found this work. I'm being completely serious when I say that this fanfic, and the other content you make, has changed my life for the better. Its helped me reconnect with that love I have for creativity after nearly a decade of not making anything even though I wanted to. It's helped pulled me out of a few ruts of depression. It's helped me realize that I'm not actually emotionally stunted (per my own conclusions) and be more willing to cry instead of burying those feelings. In the past I would just, kill these kinda thoughts before they got far because of how much I wanted to avoid crying. Much less actually writing them down, or express them to someone else. But now, I've been crying the whole time I write this, and for the first time in, I think ever, I'm okay with that. I know we don't actually know each other, but you've genuinely helped me become a better person with the things you make. Thank you so much for everything you've done Sofie. hey look! I got your name right!

But enough about me. I feel like it's getting indulgent at this point. (I've gotten dehydrated with how much ive cried writing this and from what I can tell, you cry a lot more than I do. So go drink some water first, and then) I wanna hear your thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about your work being finished? Do you have plans to take a break from creative endevors for a while, or are you gonna keep going? Are you going to be expanding more on this and other au's, different fanworks or move into something completely your own? Whatever the case may be, I'm excited to see what more you are going to come up with!

From the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of everyone else, Thank you for everything.

It's so surreal to have posted that final chapter. I finished the first draft almost 100 days ago exactly, and I spent a number of days after completing it kind of adrift. I'd go to my computer every morning like I had during the month prior and sit down, ready to write, only to remember that I was actually supposed to be taking a break before I made the final edits.  It didn't click in my head that I had actually done it… until a couple weeks later when it hit me like a truck that I had an entire completed manuscript sitting in my Google Docs. I think I was making myself lunch at that moment, and I had to bolt to lie down on the floor and put my legs up against the wall because I was ready to pass out at the realization. 

This feels pretty similar. For me, The Present is a Gift— the main fanfic, at least— was finished in mid-January. But the process of uploading it and agonizing over what people thought of every passing update wouldn't be formally done until about 3 months later. It still hasn't clicked in my head that I won't be posting a new update once Tuesday rolls around. 

On the subject of taking a break— I've actually been taking a break, at least partway! I've barely written anything after I finished TPiaG's first draft, and I haven't drawn much “serious” art, for lack of a better word, since I started my blog. I've still been making things, yes, but scattered oneshots and sketchy pieces without solid lineart are not my typical fare. I'm usually a lot more “exact” with what I make— words fail me here— I hope I'm not being too vague! I might take a brief break as I finish up the winter semester, but that would be less a break from creating and more of an “OH MY WORD I NEED TO FOCUS ON NOTHING BUT PASSING THESE COURSES” kinda thing. 

TPiaG (along with its derivative AUs) is still very much a living project to me— there's a lot more stories the characters have in them, even if I struggle to envision a full-on sequel. I'm absolutely going to answer the asks relating to it that I've received over the months along with any I continue to receive, and if I get any ideas for comics or oneshots here and there, I'll make them. As for what's officially next up on the Sincerely Sofie menu, I'm planning to make a visual novel that's a lot more meaty than the last one I made. I'm not sure if it will be original or based on TPiaG— but a visual novel is the medium I'm planning on! 

I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness. I truly don't have any words. This project started off as something private to help distract me from a depressive episode and to process trauma, and it's become so much more. I'm so glad it was able to help you. Catharsis was the keyword for TPiaG— I wanted it to uproot difficult emotions and help people start to heal from them, but I never dreamed it would really help anyone but myself. So to hear it was able to provide you with that is unbelievably meaningful to me. 

I gave myself the goal somewhat recently to let myself cry whenever the urge strikes me. I used to go months without crying, and whenever I did shed tears, it was alone in my room while muffling the few sounds I accidentally let slip. I'm a natural crybaby, but I had schooled myself into thinking for a number of reasons that it was bad to cry— that it was selfish, or attention-seeking, or weak— so I've been trying to reclaim my teary-eyed identity. It's been difficult, but it's so freeing to let myself feel things fully. All of this is to say: let the tears fall. I've helped more people by crying than my stoicism ever did. 

Thanks again. I can't properly word my gratitude, but know that it's overwhelming :,>

[found-family-tournament]

Found Family Tournament Round 1 Part 19 Group 95

Propaganda and further pictures under the cut

Cheer Factory: Goo & Bot

Submissions are still open!

Cheer Factory:

waves at you . hi !!!!! (pastes in my pre made rant and slightly edits and adds onto i

you have NO IDEA how much ‘found family’ energy these two give off (unless yyou do . by coincidence.uhm) like?? they find out theyre on the pink team and BOTH bot and goo shout “YEAHHH,, PINK TEAM !!” in unison . and then they immediately start getting along throughout the show . they are siblings to me they are the duo ever theyre like so silly theyre like two little kids in a trench coat/pos

okay so let me talk about bot first of all bot is . theyre heavily implied to be trans actually NO not heavily implied it’s practically CANON because bot is supposed to be the robot replica of a dead person named bow but later on they say they “aren’t bow” and that they wanna be a different person !!!! in the newer episodes literally when they were drawing what they wanna look like they put they/them on the paper and it was shown ON SCREEN !!!!!/pos/silly and in the new episode they GOT their new look and when they noticed their eyelashes were gone and all the other cool details they got they said “it’s so… me !! :D” ALSO: this small speech they gave

“yknow, lately ive been worried,, if i went by a different name, or maybe even ,, looked a little different.. i wouldnt be me anymore., but you helped me realize that,, no matter what you put out there.. youre still you” UWAHHHHHH/POS okay now goo second of all goo is like the silliest little goofball ive seen on a web series . he dances with PINECONES and makes weird analogies and made a 3 hour film for bot after they came out he did NOT deserve to be voted out for that i really hope they reunite because they didnt get to talk much before goo’s elimination and not ONLY that but literally goo got eliminated BEFORE he got to see bot’s new look he doesn’t even know that their name is bot he still thinks its tbd as far as i know (also because the only pictures of them together so far are literally before bot got their new look so. im gonna have to separate them when i submit photos💔💔) and the interaction right before his elimination was like kinda awkward unfortunately but it made me sob/hj

"yeah,, i liked it !! but.. it was,,. a lot :[ listen goo,, i-i dont need this new identity to be such a big grand spectacle , i just want you to treat me like. llike me . with all the uncertainty lately, it helps everything feel just a bit more,, normal , yknow .?" “oh,, ohfor sure ,! i get it !! it’s like,, you just wanted a slice of cake, and i went and gave you the whole bakery ,:D !!” “hehe, yyup, nailed it !! ,:)” ↑↑↑ UWAHHHHHHH😭/LH/POS and third of all their alliance name they are literally called THE CHEER FACTORY because they wanna CHEER PEOPLE UP and they did !!!!! they cheered up clover and the floor ithink yes the floor is a character ssshshshshhsshh and goo literally lost one of the challengesbecause he laughed at the floor’s joke AND HE DID NOT CARE he was just glad he got to cheer somebody up !!!!! “another satisfied customer at the,, CHEER FACTORY !!! :D” LITERALLY HE WAS SO HAPPY and also when they were separated into two seperate teams goo is IMMEDIATELY sad when he notices bot isnt with him “sigh… i guess the cheer factory has become the.., cheer llc. :[“ I FELT SO BAD FOR THE BOTH OF THEM also can you tell whos my favorite/hj/lh anyways theyre silly theyre blorbos theyre the duo ever and thats why they should be in this competition (psssssst pstpst hhey im not gonna force you or anything btw but watch this video that interviews goo after he got eliminated from the show please/nf/ ineed to provide more evidence/hj/lh) || https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb4iAbI2f3s

goo literally made a video that was like 3 hours.long which was dedicated to bot's new identity after they said they were a robot and weren't "bow" and also they both have their own silly little alliance in the show called "The Cheer Factory" ❗❗❗ cmon theyre like. theyre literally like two little kids in a trenchcoat/silly theyrefound family siblings to me

Naruto & Umino:

everyone in the village hated naruto since the day he was born bc of the demon that lives in his insides somewhere (this sounds crazy if you haven't seen the show but trust me here). iruka was his teacher at school. when everyone was graduating, naruto failed and some side character told him that if he stole a secret scroll he'd pass (since he failed). they were using him tho, and were planning on killing him (i think). and then iruka goes after him and finds him with the scroll before the other person did, and was the first person to actively defend naruto, and was the first person to believe him and see him as the person he was (he's like 12 here btw). and then, iruka always acts as a father figure to naruto, and at the very end of the series, when naruto gets married, he asks iruka to be his father at his wedding. i cried like a little bitch and i swear to god i just lvoe them so much. i doubt anyone will submit them butAAAAAA. ALSO IRUKA PASSED HIM IN THE END AND GAVE HIM HIS OWN FUCKING HEADBAND!!! SOBS AND CRIES AND SCREAMS

iruka was the first person to ever believe in naruto. it’s mentioned throughout the story how much of an impact iruka had on naruto just by believing in him, and it’s super sweet. the real kicker is that at the end of the show, naruto asks iruka to play the role of his father at his wedding, and i will never not cry about it!! literally look at them!!! never shutting up about this!!

[r0ttensunf]

ive heard closer when i was 10 years old, i wanted to sing it with my best friends in a school talent show... that was the first time that ive decided to take a "professional" take on an art project. some time later ive listened to eastside and that song caried me through 2018 wich was one of the most traumatic years of my life, i was fouding out about my bisexuality in a toxic household and toxic classroom in school had no one there for me but then i found out about you for real. Ive listened to strangers cause i knew lauren jauregui but something about you were diferent. I saw some videos about you instantly feel for your beauty (like a 12 yearold who just undertood she liked girls would) and as time passed your music stuck with me more and more. in 2019 i created fan accounts to post edits fanarts all of that for you i developed so much of my editting and desing and ilustration skills consuming your music. In the pandemic your album Manic changed everything for me. i was in my most depressive fase, stuck in my home with a mother who didnt knew how to deal with her daughters feelings and a dad who seam to not care. my mom would scream at me for crying to loud and for not beeing able to get out of bed to shower but hearing your music made me wipe my tears and smile. ive always had a troubled relationship with the idea of motherhood, i kinda still do, but when you annouced that you were pregnant it was the start of a change of vision for me making me see how trully beautiful beeing a mother can be. then iichliwp came out and what a piece of masterpiece that album is. within your whole discography every word you say seems to echo inside my chest following each beat. your lyrics been nailed in my bones since that first time i heard your voice in closer when i was 10. eventho i became a fan in 2018, those almost 6 years having you as a part of my life were lifechangimg. after my parents divorced i became closer to my dad because he would ask to listen to your songs with me in the car, last year he took me to your concert in sao paulo. Because of you im able now to see that motherhood doesnt have to be exaustimg and clonficted. because of you ive learned to not listen to shit about my gender, my sexuality and mostly about how i decide i want to be. Now, youre back realeasing the most vulnerable songs in your career and all i wanted more then ever was to give you the tightest hug. ive went to sleep hugging my pillow so many times wishing one day id be able to feel your arms around me to comfort me. But eventho my life is a mess now with the transition from adolence and adulthood with me becoming 18 this year, right now all i wanted was to give you a hug so i could confort you. i know i dont know you, but thats one of the prettiest parts, how youre able to make me the happiest girl in the world without even trading words with me. how youre able to get this part of me that no one else in the world can. ive liked other artists before, but as ive been growing up none of them stayed as strong as you do. when the end came out i skip school cause i couldnt stop crying. i was so scared of losing you. i cried the whole day and guess what? my dad was the first person to confort me, the same that who seemed to not care before you. im still so scared of losing you. Not just for me, but you have such a beautiful son, friends who love you and other fans who also care so deeply for you. ive cryied not only cause youre halsey, but also just as a person who has been through such a dificult battle all those years. we still know so little, but i cant express to you enough how deeply i care about you. im sorry if there were people who made you not belive in those words anymore, but for me i can asure you ill be here for your music, your art, your truth. youre so strong please know that there are milions of people out there who are proud of you. i cant even imagine how hard it must be not only to deal with health issues like this but also now publically. gosh i just wished i could do something.

My own fans are hands down meaner to me than any other people on the planet. Not speaking for all of you, of course. But it used to be just a minority that were awful to me and now it seems like a majority have only stuck around to chime in occasionally with their opinion of how much they hate me or how awful I am. it’s hard to want to engage in a space that is completely devoid of any kindness, sympathy, patience; or to be honest human decency. Especially after years of hiding from the interactions for fear that this EXACT thing would happen. I don’t know man. I almost lost my life. I am not gonna do anything that doesn’t make me happy anymore. I can’t spiritually afford it.

When I got sick all I could think about was getting better so I could come back and be a part of THIS again, but I don’t even know what *this* is anymore and I want to crawl in a hole and I regret coming back.

[innocencelives]

cont. diary entry: talking to myself and reflecting on the decade, a long recap and a look towards the future.

i have had this blog since march 2016. 8 years, almost a decade. since then ive been periodically ranting abt my abuse, reblogging traumacore/nature/cats/relatable posts/random funnies. for a while in the first couple years i made many trauma-based edits, quotes, and lots of poems. havent made one of those in a while, but i still get notifications probably daily from them.

im thinking tonight about truly how little has changed since then. im 26, i started confronting my trauma in 10th grade, i would have been about 16 so. as i say i opened pandoras box. followed breadcrumbs down a path that i would never be able to walk back from. in an effort to understand myself, to make sense of the pain in my body that haunted every thing i had ever done. it wasnt a few years before that i was cutting myself all over, trying to die, withdrawing, beginning to unravel. i suppose i cant blame myself for wanting to solve this mystery of, what had destroyed me. but what i found, not found. what i confronted, what i had decided to think twice about, perhaps that wasnt so normal? how could i have ever thought it was normal was beyond me.

sure it was liberating, it still kind of us. but facing that truth, only unraveled me further. more withdrawing, more self destruction, more isolation, more distortions of self, lost purpose, lost opportunity, couldnt get out of bed, couldnt go to school. it was naive to think i could confront abuse being done by someone across the hall from me. i fell deeper into dysfunction, having found the source of my destruction overwhelmed me, i was sort of seduced by it. it felt comforting to understand myself, to put the pieces together. i was no longer confused, but it was worse to see my life as a whole. it was heartbreaking. it shattered the last bit of illusion that-i was the source of my lifes troubles. instead of me being this bad seed, it was truly everything around me that wasnt what it seemed. i wish i could live in the truman show again.

ironically, though i tried to face it in order to heal from it, it caused more trauma. i wasnt ready, i wasnt remotely ready for that truth. homelessness, rape, beating, toxic relationships, false trusting, most significantly: the severing of all ties with every last member of my once perfect family. i did the right thing, bizarely. bizarelly, living on the street, ending up in the arms of other abusers, agoraphobia beyond belief, from one toxic living situation to the next, giving up every semblance of a normal life, of all my opportunity, all my potential, i had become whole. a complete person. one with a beginning, middle, and what i thought was an end. a liberating, destructive truth.

here i am, sitting with the ashes and the debris, years later. a new city, a found family, welfare income, welfare food, welfare healthcare, welfare rent. and also, some more potential. well. in theory, there is a path that could lead to a purpose. but alas, this kind of tragedy cannot be undone. how naive, how naive to think i had figured it all out. i thought, now i know, now i get it, now it makes sense. if only that kid knew. their hellish life, it had only begun. so much more hell to walk through. worse realities awaited me just around the corner. by opening pandoras box, following the bread crumbs, pulling that string until it led to a horrible, liberating truth.

did it liberate me? i wish it were that simple. i wish, just by understanding why i was the way i was, i could heal from it. by seeing those memories for what they were, i received more than just a realization. worse symptoms, those distortions of thought, more abuse, more abusers, homelesness, the soul crushing grief of losing my whole family. and all for the love of the truth. it picked and pulled everything until there was nothing left. nothing but a broken child, now more alone and more abandoned than ever.

i honestly, truly, am still reeling from all of it. i lived many lifetimes, it perhaps will take the rest of this one to find peace. so many years since ive seen them all, but the farther i drift from that tragedy, the more i walk right into it. after all, the pitiful life i live now, is just the aftermath. i have. i have sort of built something beautiful? the beginnings. the foundations. the threads of a new life.

i have to give myself time. i know, i know i want to forget. i know i wish every single day my past could go away, that it could stop clawing at this life. the way it feels so suffocating, so omnipresent, so many years later, is heartbreaking. but. put it this way, to state it bluntly. if my friend told me, they had faced incestous sexual abuse from one parent, emotional abuse and neglect from the other, olympic level gaslighting from countless associates of them, true medical and psychiatric abuse from the doctors they conspired with, the incest being so shocking and unbelievably that my entire extended family left me to rot, two bouts of homelesness, walking the streets no one to care if i died, taken advantage of by further predators, struggling to escape my familys reach and control years after, life altering levels of depression and anxiety, such an intense kind of dissociation i didnt need weed to leave my body, the level to which these years of abuse laid wreck my body and brain, unable to act like other humans, unable to socialize, to buy groceries, living in squalor and filth because i shower once a month, clean once a year, of COURSE. of fucking course im not fucking a-okay after a few years!

gotta be patient with myself. i find myself, continuously shocked by the truth of my life. my new thing is using the word “incest” i think its such a puke-worthy word. absolutely disgusting, anyone who hears it wants to hide in a closet and cover their ears. really just, a nasty gross little word. and yet, its not just something reserved for documentaries. it is the story of my life. it is a key that unlocks the deep reaches of my psyche, all the way to the stains on my shorts because i struggle to do the laundry. it is in my veins, it is in my heart, and it is written on ever piece of skin on my body. im okay with that. its true after all! why hide it, why pretend? why euphemize? why not just, say it for what it is?

its not the end of me, but it is a part of me.“oh the places youll go”, i have many places left to go. many cities left to see, many highs left to reach, so much life left to live and yes-many more tears left to cry. i carry my abuse with me, thats okay. a disability. im on disability so, it really is like a missing leg. i cant wish my leg back right! cant heal from a fucking missing leg, why try? why pretend? but it does get easier. maybe not now. fuck i wish it was now. im sick of it. but i wouldnt expect this of anyone else who had been through such waking nightmares, i cant expect it of myself. that part of me…always helpful to think of it like a child. the child in me, that screams out to be helped, screams their being hurt, that no one came to save them. they have every right to scream.

i love them. ill hug them as tight as i can… better days are not just a pipe dream. there sitting waiting for me. just going to cry some more tears. scream a bit more. hug this child. and have hope.

[guardians-of-blood]

As promised, some things I found while looking back on my Twitter account.

1. The worst Bloody War names

- Kayda (and his nickname Kay) is meant to be pronounced like KAIda. I dont know why I didn't just go with that because KAYda doesn't look like it should be pronounced that way.

- Veridis should technically be Viridis but Viri is the nickname for Virineya so I guess I changed the first i to an e so he could be Veri instead.

- Tamesis is apparently ALSO the name of a water goddess and not just a gender neutral name meaning dark one (I probably found it by looking up cool names or something). The only watery thing about Tamesis Regalia is that he lives on the Gemsea Isles which is the water + gem/mineral themed country and goes to the water themed school

- My way of naming countries and places within them usually involves google translating words that fit the theming into the language(s) of the cultures they are

inspired by but its also fucking google translate and I'm Fucking Stupid so I misread or some shit half the time (see the next section) and Acallmagi is combined from magic and  'acall', which i thought was french for lull.

It's not. Accalmie is lull. So It's close enough even if its missing an extra c + unfortunately it feels too late to change it because Acallmagi has been said so many times and its always been spelled that way.

Bonus: Names that I fixed.

- For some time I spelled Rayden as Raydon (after I made a typo and like confused myself) but I realized I hated it so I changed it back.

- Vetersvist, which it was originally written down as, somehow got an extra s in there (Vestervist). I probably need to go back and edit things to remove that s. It may be because the two dont look too different but Accalmagi looks weird to me compared to Acallmagi which ive been looking at forever. I guess removing 1 letter doesnt make autism brain that hates change angry but changing a letter and swapping its place does.

BONUS 2: Fun Vian Fact

I wanted to be called Via when i was younger (my full name is Victoria so I just like removed the ctori from it) and I made a genderbent version named vVan who became his own character. (This is who Cicely's brother Nettle is loosely based off of) Vian was made during the rp BW was inspired by and I just wanted a guy named Vian so Vian was his name. He was a lot more mean and aggressive and had more common sense back then but I love my silly dense naive fool now <3

2. The 'TLDR' backstory of Rene Lyon and Lukariah 'Luk' Durand, featuring Aether Lightseeker

Rene and Luk were besties during elementary school. During middle school, Luk had a bunch of anger issues and they got into a fight. They decided that they hated each other, and got it physical until they both had to be tutored by Aether at the same time. Aether made them talk shit out and then they did things as a trio. (Luk mellowed out during it)

In high school, Luk and rene started dating and Rene got obsessed with money and also become the most annoying person ever (to the rest of the magic school gang - which is Mars, Pluto, and Seraphim).

Rene proceeded to also mellow out during the summer before going to Frost's Guidance. He's still chaotic and a little annoying but less so. And also he dies of cringe when he thinks of anything his younger self did ever. This may continue on in his life. Just Like Me.

3. Kenny's scar (Old. Funny?)

Azelf: How did you get that scar on your hand Kenny?

Kenny: I fought a teros with my bare hands!!!

*Reality*

Kenny: Hey Frey! Do you think I can catch this knife if I throw it in the air?

*He could not.*

Present Tori's thoughts: Honestly I'd replace Freyja with her sister in being the one Kenny asks but it also leaves room for interpretation of it being very recent if it's Freyja because well... Severa's dead.

4. The origin of the characters with Pokemon names

This is stupid. I wanted to use a faceclaim with blue hair and I joked about naming him Azelf bc I was max lair hunting for a shiny Azelf in Pokemon Shield at the time. A friend said to do it - but give him the most normal last name ever. So I did and it was so funny to me that when I added him to the story and made Shaymin, Mesprit, Uxie, and their families, I stuck too it. Though, Mesprit's surname was made fancier because he's nobility now. (I should figure things out about nobility because really they're just rich and prominent families at the moment, save for the Spooks.)

5. Various comic / doodle ideas

I can't anatomy or color well but these are funny doodke ideas I've had.

- Pyrrhus works at KFC and vVan comes to annoy him

- Hibiki babysits a tamagotchi except it was designed specifically to torment him

- Various bodyswap shenanigans

- Lian as Big the Cat

- Celeste pushing Basil down the stairs

- Ray having a dream about Tsubasa growing around a foot and becoming taller than him, and waking up thinking 'Thank the Gods we're fully grown! No surprise growth spurts!' and then it either cuts to Tsubasa wishing on a star that he was over 6 foot and the star winks at him or there's a timeskip where all his friends, who were shorter than him, are at least an inch taller than him and Tsubasa has gone from 5'5" to 6'4". (Everyone getting taller than Ray after he prided himself on being the tallest throughout childhood is literally canon. Sorry Ray.)

6. Seidel siblings and avoidance

One thing that all 4 Seidel siblings have in common is that they will bottle things up until they can't anymore and, if able, avoid the root of a problem. But, when it comes to others and their problems, they wont stand by and will face the root for/with them if needed.

Ray's a very good actor - it's hard to tell how he's truly feeling but he is a crybaby and emotional so his tolerance for bottling things up is lower than the others'. Before the breaking point, however, only those really close to him can SOMETIMES see past the act.

Em wears his heart on his sleeve, so despite his insistence that everything is okay, it's not hard to tell when hes bottling something up because he's fidgety and his cheer is oftentimes forced.

Jo is less expressive, but when shes upset she does waver a bit, enough that its noticable to those paying attention. The longer it goes on, the more cracks start to appear. A sign is that she sighs a lot more and spaces out.

Leni, like Jo, isn't the most expressive, but she tends to be a bit more hotheaded when upset - she's a bit argumentative and defensive. At her breaking point she's prone to shouting and screaming in frustration. That said, if its extreme enough, she will sort of just shut down.

7. Should he kiss his boyfriend?

Hibiki: My boyfriend has poison breath, should I kiss him?

Miaki, his sister: It depends on how much control he has over his ability.

Mira, avid hater of the boyfriend: No. It might kill you, and to be honest, I really don't know what you see in him.

Rayden, his boyfriend: YES?!?!

Hibiki obviously goes with yes, kiss the boyfriend.

Rayden has good control over his powers.

Miaki is happy for them.

Mira still doesnt understand what's appealing about Rayden after she argues with him for nth time.

8. Ray facts

- Doesnt like to be touched without warning unless he trusts a person ir they are a small child. Trusted people include his family, KR-RA, some members of KR-RA's families, and close friends.

- Bites when not warned by people he isn't close to about being touched.

- Very affectionate person with those he is close to only.

- Actually a shy and emotional person, usually doesn't act unless someone he cares about is threatened. Very passive.

- When he's at a very low-low, instead of his looser clothes that reveal a shoulder, he covers himself up.

- Very hard to monitor because hes the type to act like everything fine - even his family and KR-RA have trouble seeing past the act until he cant hide it anymore

- Very anxious. not much self confidence

- Very very self concious about his looks and illnesses and being underweight

- Will neglect his own well being during low points

- Introverted

- Cannot stand being completely alone with his loved ones nowhere nearby fir prolonged periods of time

- Likes mmos and farming sims

- Alongside their whirlwind of a medical history, the Seidel family's teeth are very sharp despite being human and not creatura. Sometimes he bites during combat

- Heavy sleeper. Pain to wake up, even from a nightmare. Will bite if someone he isnt close to is waking him - especially up after a nightmare or night terror

- Soft spot for children

- Likes gardening, also likes painting + other arts and crafts

- 5 seperate medical professionals could tell him that it's okay for him to indulge himself and that he doesn't have to be so strict, especially since he's underweight and he would ignore it because he HATES medical talk. Even if they location of the conversation is far away from any medical facility. He's very afraid of death and losing his life due to his condition like Em and Jo.

9. A very sweet Tsubasa and Ray moment from the past

Sometimes Ray gets really anxious and shaky, though it's usually around the days the Em and Jo died or their birthday. It's not too hard to discern from whether or not its his sugar because when it happens he tends to cling onto those he cares about.

The twins were both 19 when they died, and Em died around Ray's birthday.

On Ray"s 19th birthday, Tsubasa comes over to the Seidel's house and had been planning on just giving Ray a gift and leaving. Ray's moms welcome him in but warn him that Ray might not want to see him and that he hasn't left his room ever since he went back upstairs. Tsubasa forces his way in, and there is no sign of Ray, save for the shivering form hiding underneath a blanket. Ray pokes his head out and Tsubasa sits by him and asks what was wrong.

It's obvious Ray has been crying before but when words start gushing out of his mouth, tears come too. He has been fearing getting older since he was little and after what happened to Em and Jo, it made those fears even worse because he's the same age as they were when it all happened and it's bound to happen to him eventually and so on and so forth..He rambles about everything he struggles with, especially with being extremely self conscious of his own body image and mannerisms

Tsubasa listenes. Ray hardly talks about how he really feels. If he does, it's usually because its obvious something is bugging him. But he's a great actor, and great at hiding things. so to hear him pour everything out like this, completely unprompted, with no prodding on Tsubasa's end, he knows that this has been kept inside for a looong time.

But he isn't good with words of comfort. Tsubasa dlesn't sugarcoat things unless absolutely necessary. He gives everyone mean nicknames. People are AFRAID of him! So, he doesn't say anything. But, if there is one thing he knows, it is that actions spoke louder than words. He may not know what to say, but he sure as hell knows what to do. He lies down, he wraps Ray in a hug, and tries to lure him into sleep.

It works, but against all the odds, Tsubasa also lures himself to sleep. Tsubasa Amanogawa, who has so much trouble falling asleep that sleeping medicines are oftentimes ineffective and many nights he just pulls an all nighter, falls asleep in his best friend's bed, cuddling him.

When he wakes up, it's to Kiku shaking him awake while Rin desperately tells her not to do so. She has a whole sob story about how she thought he was dead. Rin just sighs and apologizedls. They're cousins who are as close as siblings and Kiku is prone to overreacting, so he should have expected it, but Tsubasa can't help but feel angry at her for waking him up. The warmth of someone else is comforting and it is the best sleep he has had in years. But it's Kiku, so he holds back.

He doesn't want to leave but Adette wants him to come home for dinner, so he begrudgingly leaves Ray a note apologizing for leaving him so suddenly and promising to make it up to him when KRRRA (though not officially a team yet) gets together to celebrate both his and Renata's birthdays. Before they leave, Leni pulls him aside and thanks him, but she never tells him why before he leaves.

When Ray wakes up, he refuses to wash his sheets until Tsubasa's scent fades away because it helps him calm his anxieties and fall asleep. He keeps the note pressed in a highschool yearbook, and smiles every time he finds it while reminiscing.

[elaichoi]

the v v v first time i saw ur acct was when u had the yeonjun prive alliance layout ^3^ those reincarnation aus made me saur emo T^T

i luv that for u agghh<3 not that there's anything wrong w it,but i find it most satisfying when ppl get into kpop from kpop-genre songs rather than western-sounding kpop songs lol my first kpop artists were b2st (highlight) and t-ara hehe

mhm yea mayybbe! i know 100% why i don't post them and its cos i used to be consistent w posting on both kpop & personal socmed accts but mental health happens and i kinda stopped bc numbers make me want 2 cry lmfao

except im slightly less mentally ill since that time now and yk i actually genuinely do rlly want to start all my socmed accts up again but im putting it off bc im a bit of a perfectionist and so im lazy to be doing all dat... all of nothin :D don't call the orderly i'm fine ^_^ /lh

2019-21? ah probably not then i'm pretty sure i was in and out of the school roster (pls tell me if i am oversharing/trauma dumping/crossing any boundaries bc i genuinely do not know i no longer have any social skills T_T /gen /srs)

hm i'm not sure tbh i only followed the one 😭😭 i haven't been on wattpad in a long ass time and i remember i tried seeing what wattpad was like nowadays and was v disappointed w the ads and paid stuff (i think i don't remember). booooo 👎👎

omg wait that's so cool aaaaah!!! i changed my user a lot so i honestly could not tell u bc i have goldfish memory ;__; i do remember i had a user like taempons(_) i think it had an underscore idk don't remember but i changed it (kinda wish i saved it ngl) and oh one i do remember was peachyjihoons (my wannaone phase lmao) but yeah im pretty sure my most recent user was some based on some tumblr shit like svnshine or something idfk 💀💀

u are already a talented writer save some for the rest of us 👺 /j if u could also draw u would be too powerful 👁️👄👁️

omg THAT WAS MY FIRST LAYOUT TOO!! this account isn't that old tbh i still haven't gotten the feel of writing smuts as of yet that's why i havent been much active on it BUT WAIT REINCARNATION AU?!? from my main???

DUDE I LOVE B2ST!!!! and t-ara!!!!!!!! i really got into kpop slowly because i fell for kdrama at first (found replay in one of the kdrama edit lmao) so like my music journey has been very, very kpop ish. i think the global influence in most of kpop songs started to become mroe prominent during 2018?

bro i get you like the fear of starting the stuff you love because you feel like you won't be able to give it all and starting it and feeling it like you're gonna disappoint yourself. i hadn't started anything since like 2017 until recently because i was scared i was gonna stumble, or it won't be good ( well mostly that) or i won't be able to finish that. me and my bff still has this one project we started around like 2018 lmao we both still haven't finished it or picked it up bc we developed the idea sm and got so close to it that we fear writing it now.

not OVERSHARINH I WANNA KNOW!!! NO but like FR wattpad went through the biggest glow down IVE EVer seen like. it's legit LEGIT inhabitable. like at first you take away the newsfeed?!? like how am i gonna pine over other accounts now?!? and then everything became paid and shit like wtf is that?!

omg i wonder if I ever saw you on my explore page or tags bro fr this is so interesting my ig handle has always been one tbh it's @celestialsoo ( my intense love affair with kyungsoo era) like since the dawn of the day.

YOU LIE!!!!! i wish i could fr draw tho i want to draw my muses :///

[horizon-verizon]

*EDITED*

Now I know that this person loves show!Alicent more than book!Alicent, thinks they are the "better" written or appealing character, or has never read the book, or have really bad reading comprehension skills because they are so blinded by their need for the status quo to conquer all.

My arguments against the hashtags this hashtagger brings up (the very first hashtag was the only one that existed until I responded) is already argued against in the link of the reblog they refer to. but here are some other stuff:

"one person cannot be expected to act against an entire system" -- Viserys chose her. Rhaenyra didn't even request this at all, she merely pursued what was already given by the only authority this very system allows such authority: the King/monarch. This is true for both show and canon Rhaenyra. I argue how Viserys isn't actually being crazy or "breaking any laws" (as some people argue) when he installed Rhaenyra as his heir. Secondly, Rhaenyra isn't even that much of a rebel against the status quo canonically, she's actually still only a little bit less supported by her feudal heritage. She did not try to actively upend thousands of years of customs in any way shape or form for that sake of progressive ideals for others the way Dany or Aegon IV have. Also, her classism against Nettles is undeniable. Still, her coming to the throne would have set a strong precedent for female leadership, as we note with Arianne Martell, Daenerys Stormborn, etc, each trying to reclaim their rights to a seat of power. So I can only imagine that the real reason why my hashtagger dislikes Rhaenyra so is because of the perceived willful rebelliousness against "woman's" places as a submissive broodmare who always goes into a hard left when her rider tells her to turn, and they think change and room for more autonomy is just given to a person rather than it being taken.

Also, Rhaenyra isn't "alone" (in terms of fighting power) when she befriends Laena and marries Daemon, and becomes the beloved stepmother to his half-Velaryon kids. She was alone in the sense that her own father made it that much harder for her to have such support and even worked against her politcal needs (having more than even one child with Alicent, marrying Alicent [why a Hightower?, even if not Laena?!], didn't do more than make her listen on in councils, have her marry her uncle or at least someone who wasn't semi-secretly gay, more forcibly or firmly denigrate Alicent & the greens public/passive aggressive acts of ruining her reputation when she was a child-teen, etc.). At the same time, later the lords who bent the knee to her, fight for her even after she dies bc Viserys got them to swear to her AND made her at least go on one progress (even though I think this only happened to stave off rumors of her losing her virginity, it was also necessary for that reason). Try again.

So by hashtagger's arguments, Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Mary Queen of Scots, Empress Matilda, and basically every woman who has ever come to power in a patriarchal society that usually grants such powers to men exclusively, are all instant devils. Because they seized or kept power in their own right, away from men, and men who weren't that sane, great, or even better at ruling...okay.

In the 21st-century "liberal democracy", women also can't do as much as they should still. You still hear and may experience women being chased, being mauled, being killed for even daring to say "no" or making disgusted faces at catcallers or "pick-up artists" and it gets worse for those darker in skin color or racially different from white. Female/feminized products like some razors and tampons are way too expensive and in (corporate esp) workplaces, women also are saddled with fixing failing projects and then blamed for the projects' failures or others steal the credit for their success (glass cliff) do I even have to mention the war against abortion rights and the violence being done against trans women both off the sports field and on? The legal procedures today from enough conservative persons with real influence and positions pushing forward to make the age of majority 14 or so, or to make marriage available for those same 14-year-olds they obviously wish to rape and domestically imprison? Who do not want to abort a raped 10-year-old's fetus, because apparently, that is her fate, to die of childbirth before she even knows what it is to be a woman? Sure, this world is a "free" world for women.

BTW, by this logic of "one woman/person can't change" that wishes to denigrate any sort of resistance whether big or small against unfair discrimination or injustices and flouts against autonomy at the cost of the status quo/patriarchal authority, women from many more war-torn, extremist, or dictatorial regions should just....take it, yeah? Do nothing at all against their oppressors? One day, their oppressors will allow them to leave their countries without raping and mutilating their genitals by stuffing rocks into their vaginas if those women just stayed in their lane? Eventually, the "morality" police of Iran will deign to give women the right and safety to choose not to wear hijabs. Ha!

I also argue against the "Alicent does everything right" in THIS POST which the hashtagger barely argues against and just wishes to blow raspberries. Apparently, doing absolutely nothing for yourself for the sake of obeying the status quo means you are a good and righteous person....meanwhile, Alicent is the same woman who canonically wants to mutilate a child to save her and her son's life after said son killed the boy's mother, she herself told her 8-year-old granddaughter to go kill the same 10-year old kid for her personal revenge, she laughed at the news of a town getting sacked where girls as young as 8, etc were raped by soldiers....and in the show, is so stupid as to actually think that a torn-out page will make up for the threat of one's children's being taken hostage or thinks that her manipulative father only wants what's best for her and her kids.

"maybe she's jealous of rhaenyra but that doesn't mean that Rhaenyra behaved correctly" -- show!Alicent's jealousy stems from the same thinking that this hashtagger identifies as show!Rhaenyra's supposed lack of good ethics: refusal to totally obey her father's oppressive orders to the T and to his satisfaction as well as not try for autonomy or power in any way shape or form. Show!Alicent thinks she will enjoy some sort of freedom and happiness in obedience, and when she doesn't see Rhaenyra suffer as she does, she thinks that that licenses her to make others miserable. No, that doesn't sound like a person who is acting morally, just a person willing to sow actual evil to make themselves feel better. It is a purely selfish motivation and smacks of a woman who will do everything in her power to make sure another woman does not have what she secretly wants, but is herself too chicken (or dumb) to try and get it. Again, Alicent is the one who doesn't act ethically.

I already argue how show!Alicent is a stupid person filled with unjustified envy in the post I linked in the ask.

Hashtagger hates women and thinks that the only "good" woman is the victimized and obedient kind, and believes any hint of nonconformity or iota of resisting the status quo is inherently evil. They cannot fathom what a personality is when a vagina keeps clean of any penis apart from its bearer's husband's.

Therefore they are an Alicent stan when no one should be.

Alicent represents what happens to a woman who is totally subject to others' caprices/might=right/male-holy-grail and the subhumanness of womanhood patriarchies wish to instill into women to make them more amenable to manipulation. She is not even half of the woman you see in canon, who actually tries to gain power for herself through her son intentionally and with cunning.

Now to offset all this, I'd like to link and give an excerpt of what canon Rhaenyra means as a woman and narrative figure in ASoIaF from the user @azureflight of this POST:

I love this post so much! And it's not even all of it, go check it out whoever is reading!

You may ask why I don't talk about show!Rhaenyra. That's because I ALREADY DID in the post I keep saying I already linked. And this post is supposed to be against the notion that commentator pushes, that Alicent is this totally blameless actor while Rhaenyra is the main or sole evil actor.

It’s insanely repugnant how Alicent has the galls to preach about “duty and sacrifice” and insult Rhaenyra when she’s literally responsable for the death of her lover and father of her children. She tried to stab Luke when she played a role in the murder of his father. Girl, why don’t you tell them how Harwin really died ???

Her insane fans act like she’s so morally superior in the show, but really she’s just as disgusting as her book counterpart, she’s just now hypocrite and malleable. Talk about “upholding the law” but in the very same episode, she literally tells Larys, a kinslayer, to stick around because there will be a time when she needs his “skill and discretion.”

"hypocritical and malleable" -- It's okay, anon, you can say it: she's fucking stupid beyond the point of cunning.

I half jest. I knew what you meant. You're right, Alicent talks a big game about honor, duty, and "sacrifice"--presumably sacrificing oneself for the feudal order and its male leaders's direction and authority--but part of that Andal, Westerosi, feudal order and value system is no one should be kinslaying and she's allows a kinslayer to remain as safe as her other the other person she helped to avoid (if there ever was foing to be one) punishment for his breaking/troubling guest's rights the the rules of hospitality: Cole.

I wrote in this reblog demystifying (a little) of show! Alicent's motivations.

[austarus]

HR Wells x Reader - Reversal of Denouement

*A/N: The picture/edit/gif does not belong to me. It belongs to its rightful owner.

**Please don’t forget to comment, like, and reblog. It means a lot to content creators of all kinds!

***I’d also like to thank @grimtamlain-writes​ for being my beta reader.

Word Count: 8251

MASTERLIST

A low groan left HR's lips. His body felt numb, his chest ached - tingled as his heart beats steadily. Is it beating? The darkness of his eyelids eased the stinging coming from his mind – it wasn’t so bright. The headache formed there. His body screamed at him as the novelist made the slightest of movement. His left shoulder in particular had protested in desperate agony. He couldn’t move it very much, the area succumbed to restraints of some sort. HR’s throat felt raw as his body throbbed, the blood coursing meticulously through his blood vessels. The sound of a soft voice greeted his ears, but his eyes refused to open.

"I... you, HR... even if... see it." The voice was so familiar, so gentle. So sweet. "Should... better." A drop of water hit his numbed hand, static still prominent there from the little movement his body had done. “I wish…” The dark-haired doppelganger could only understand fragments of what the speaker was saying. He felt a pressure on his hand, tender skin holding onto his before something tickled his forehead. Feather-light. What was it? Who was it? A few moments passed and he heard nothing, the novelist only assumed that the voice’s owner had left. He didn’t want to be alone right now though, not with the darkness.

It had become unbearable.

Since... Since when did…? How...? Oh. Right. Savitar... Am I dead? Is this where spirits wait for their turn to pass into their designated afterlife? Have I really...? Events from earlier resurfaced to his mind, his senses coming together. Right, had to protect Iris. For Barry – it was my fault Savitar had gotten to her. My big mouth. Even if Barry didn't really see me as a helpful friend. At least... At least I proved Savitar wrong, who ironically is a version of Barry. That's hella twisted. He huffed out a breath before venturing back into the calmness of sleep. Maybe a little more rest will help?

***

HR cracked an eye open: this time, harsh filtered light had greeted him. The novelist grunted in pain, adjusting himself slightly to assess where he was. What day was it? What was the time? How long have I  been here? A yawn left his lips this time, his throat and mouth as dry as a desert.

“Well look who finally decided to wake up?” HR’s eyes met Cisco’s, who stood with a tablet in hand. “How’s sleeping beauty feeling?”

The Wells doppelganger cleared his throat. “Like I’ve gotten assaulted by an Amtrack bus, and not the good kinds.” HR’s baby blue eyes scanned the room, landing on the flower vase that was set on a table near him. Blue forget-me-knots and pink hydrangeas stood proudly in their vases, nurtured well. HR felt his heart swell, his eyes not daring to leave the delicate petals that accented the med bay in better tones. Cisco handed him a cup of water to which HR downed it immediately.

“Amtrack does trains.”

“Not on my Earth, Francisco.” The author couldn’t help but ask, his eyes lingering on the flowers once more. “Did Tracy bring those?”

Cisco pursed his lips, an odd look present on his face. He wanted to tell HR, but… “No. Um, she didn’t.” Tracy had been visiting, though it had become some sort of a nuisance to all her complaining at this point. She hadn’t even known HR for that long, anyway.

“Oh?” His shoulders dropped subtly in disappointment. “They’re beautiful, I was just wondering and…”

“Let’s just say, a special someone’s been… dropping by and bringing a new flower each day. That’s all you’re getting from me, Aurora.” Cisco reasoned with the Wells doppelganger. The mechanical genius knew, but it wasn’t his place to say. It killed him, but… “I wouldn’t move around too much, if I were you. You’ve got a fractured shoulder and that chest wound. I’ve been told to relay the message that you’re to be on strict bed rest until that shoulder further heals.” HR lowered his gaze to see the cross-body sling. He clenched his slinged hand and unclenched it to bring some feeling into the limb.

“What about my chest?”

“Miraculously, that’s been healing really well since day one.” Cisco kept the talk real, showing the injured doppelganger the schematics and pictures. “You got lucky that it missed your heart by a centimeter.” A stab wound like that should have… I wonder if she knows that I know.

HR blinked at the seriousness in his injury, the looming idea of death from his decision. “How long was I out?”

“A week and a half.”

“What?” HR’s eyes widened in disbelief. “I-”

“HR!” Tracy’s sudden voice pierced the room, stunning Cisco and triggering an ache in HR’s head. The grad scientists shuffled over to him, both forgetting that Cisco was in the room. “HR, my love, how are you? Are you feeling okay? Is there any pain?” He continued checking his friend’s vitals and adjusting dosages to the IV and morphine administered – as per your request. The room was growing ever louder with HR and Tracy. Tracy embraced him, minding his injuries as she continued to fuss over him. It made the Wells writer smile, yet… his heart didn’t swell as much as it used to.

Odd.

Cisco sent you a quick text while the two were preoccupied, but you were already at the Labs. You stopped just outside the entrance, the wall and dimly light hallway obscuring you from who remained in the med bay. They wouldn’t be able to see you from where you stood.  A shaky breath left you as you clutched the Freesia flower in hand. Your heart shriveled in your chest as you backtracked. Hearing his voice is enough. After all, with Tracy around you couldn’t be near him – those dirty and hateful looks she’d send you. Best to keep my distance, I guess. You couldn’t help but sneak a peek at him though, the man who had unknowingly captured your heart and would never reciprocate your love. You pushed down the lump in your throat. Hastily, you sent Cisco a text to check on the flowers. Silently, you trailed away from the med bay and to the upper levels of STAR Labs. I wonder if he liked the flowers. Standing at such altitude with the wind blowing lightly had calmed you a bit. Looking down at the flower, you gripped it tightly before you began to pick off the petals one by one. The little moments you had with the goofy novelist surfaced to the forefront of your mind with each petal you held. Your little curious escapades. The little talks. The nights you’d visit him when Tracy wasn’t around.

“He loves me, he loves me not,” You murmured, a stray tear trickled down your cheek. The freesia symbolizes unconditional love and honor. “He loves me, he loves me not,” Your voice cracked as more tears fell. “He loves me, he loves me not…”

***

A frown presented itself on HR’s lips as he tilted his head to crack his neck. The crack relieved him tremendously. It didn’t make sense. The novelist mused to himself, setting aside the current chapter draft he was working on. The voice I heard was… different. It didn’t sound like Tracy’s. HR couldn’t get that voice out of his mind – the tenderness that was laced in the tone of that voice. Nothing like the slight shrill in Tracy’s. He eyed the flowers once more that day, their presence was prominent. If Tracy hadn’t brought those, then who had?

The team had helped situate HR in his room in order to vacate the med bay should another imminent event occur. He had overheard Cisco tell Wally that you were preoccupied with something in Star City – a bit of disappointment twinged inside him. HR had taken up doing bits of physical therapy for the rest of his body without moving his shoulder as much. His shoulder and arm remained in a crossbody sling. The flowers sat on his bedside counter; he tended to them as best as he could with the limited movement he had. Tracy protested that they don’t need to be around, but the novelist was vehement on keeping the plants. HR won’t deny the fact that he had gotten annoyed several times with her around when he needed thinking space for his writing. He couldn’t write with noise and nonsensical chatter, especially if it’s mainly coming from someone who doesn’t want to really listen to his input. She’d go on and on about her scientific research and such, but wouldn’t hear a word from HR regarding his writing. The longer the novelist was confined to his room for rest, the more he had time to think – to contemplate. Yes, he liked Tracy, but… it just seemed that she didn’t really see HR. She does all the talking; she doesn’t really ask about how I feel about things or ask me about my life, even things about Earth-19… It’s like she doesn’t see me for anything other than a pretty face. It’s not even my face that Tracy sees, just Randolph’s. Was I too quick to jump at the first person who showed interest in me? Had I rushed into ‘forever’ with her?

He tabled those thoughts for now. HR reached for his laptop; one hand opened it to start it up. While the device loaded, he grabbed his black-clear glasses and set them on his face. If anyone saw him as such, they wouldn’t be able to tell the physical difference between him and his handsome, yet grumpy doppelganger. Except for the eyebrow scar, but that was obscured by the glasses. HR did a couple of searches with a concentrated look. Surely, it was the person with that… angel-like voice.

“Hydrangeas,” HR whispered as his eyes skimmed over the text that had popped up. “The hydrangea represents gratitude, grace and beauty. It also radiates abundance because of the lavish number of flowers and the generous round shape. Its colors symbolize love, harmony and peace.” The Wells doppelganger scrolled further. “Pink hydrangeas symbolize heartfelt emotions.” Interesting. HR continued his research, glancing at the other flower type that resting in the vase. “Forget-me-nots symbolize true love and respect. When you give someone these tiny blooms, it represents a promise that you will always remember them and will keep them in your thoughts. They are also considered a symbol of fidelity and faithfulness.” A particular link caught his eye, he clicked on it. The novelist read to himself the text once more, “Based on Christian lore, the story about forget-me-nots is that God was walking in the Garden of Eden. He saw a blue flower and asked it its name. The flower was a shy flower and whispered that he had forgotten his name. God renamed the flower as forget-me-not saying that He will not forget the flower.”

HR swallowed thickly; contrary to popular belief around here, he wasn’t stupid. Sure, he wasn’t a science-based genius, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t an expert on other aspects of life and had basic common sense. The author was emotionally intelligent and intact with the world around him. These flowers weren’t picked out on accident. But who would do that? Who doesn’t want me to forget about them? The dark-haired man shook his head slightly as he shut his laptop. A surge of sadness welled inside him at the notion of ‘being forgotten’. Who had he done that to? He’d get to the bottom of this mystery in due time. Right now, I need to jog my memory on what I was writing. A hand found a rough draft paper, his eyes scanned over the words he had typed out. His brows creased as the written notes he’d made on the paper as well. (Y/N) … I had… What had I been writing about again? The novelist read each line, each note he had made no drafts and scratch paper.

The hairs at the back of his neck stood up as realization hit him the more he had read on. The drafts, the notes, all of it – the little novel he had been writing regarding his adventures. But this particular part of his story – the ‘angel’ in his story. The one who stuck by him since coming here, the one who had given him a safe space… And the one he hadn’t seen since waking up. How could he forget? HR lowered the paper; his eyes became half-lidded as guilt shot through him. Before Barry had gone to the future and gotten hints of Tracy with her Speed Bazooka, HR had been working on his book. A book that he had pushed off to stick with Tracy and help in any way that he can to make the speed weapon possible. He had gotten distracted from doing the things he loves. A few conjectures arose in his mind as he slipped his glasses off, one arm end pressed to his lips. His heart hammered into his chest; you were among the last faces he had seen before passing out that night.

The irony. How could I forget that (Y/N) was the ‘angel’ in my story?

***

“Look at you, up and at ‘em.” Cisco strolled into the lounge with a cheeky grin. The mechanical genius didn’t take HR for granted anymore, not with the stunt he pulled. No, Cisco willingly checked up on him – not just for you, but for himself. HR had truly become one of his close friends in the end, especially with all the advice about Gypsy. “What are you cooking up this time?”

“Just an omelet with a side of bacon and toast, Francisco,” HR turned to the mechanical engineer who continued to tinker away at the schematics to get Barry out of the Speedforce. He offered Cisco some with a gesture only for the scientist to politely decline. “I haven’t seen (Y/N) anywhere. Um, is she also…?”

“Oh, you know how she’s like. Either up in the vents or chilling in her birds’ nest on the roof. And on that note, our resident hummingbird has become quite the firecracker.”

HR raised an eyebrow at his friend. “How so?”

“She punched Savitar square in the face then decked him multiple times over when Barry brought him in. Harry had to be the one to pull her away – well, more like carry her away kicking and screaming bloody murder at him. It sounded badass; wish I had been there to see it.”

The Wells doppelganger gritted his teeth at the mental image of Harry carrying you – touching you. The thought ruffled his feathers for some reason.  HR expertly masked his irritation, turning the stove off and assembling the food on his plate. “Why?”

“Because he hurt you, HR.”

“…”

“He almost killed you.” And that was unforgivable, especially to her. “We almost lost you. She almost lost you.”

A rough sigh escaped HR as Cisco had sent him a knowing look before exiting the STAR Labs lounge. The Earth-19 man chewed on the inside of his cheek. Only a fool would misunderstand Cisco’s subtle intentions. HR knew what he had to do – he’d been reflecting on his time here, thinking about the people around him, about the relationships he’s formed. The novelist glanced outside – the sun shined, the birds chirped, and the trees rustled with the wind. 

And the world continues to move on.

***

“When are you going to tell him?”

“…” You tensed at the abrupt voice. You snapped your head up, eyes darting to find Cisco approaching you with pocketed hands in his gray-black jacket. He wore a Bulbasaur shirt. The clouds surged by with the intensity of the breeze. Your hair blew over your shoulders slightly. Tilting your head, you turned back to watch the city. Days had passed and you refused to see HR, content on what Cisco had been telling you. He’d been recovering tremendously well, but… you didn’t really want to hear about what he and Tracy were up to. It wounded you. “Tell who, what?”

“You know exactly who I’m talking about, Ms. I’m-going-to-put-my-feelings-in-a-box.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Ohohohoho, no. I am tired of the love eyes, the lingering gazes, the pining. It ends.” Your best friend came to sit down next to you with that frustrated look on his face. “I know you have powers.” Your heart stopped in your chest at his accusation. “I know you used your powers to heal HR.” You bit down on your lip, not wanting to validate his statement. Cisco saw “I analyzed the wounds, looked at his healing at a microscopic level. I’m not Caitlin, but even I can pick up a few things. His cells were excelled to heal, but there were residues of your genetic markers at the wound point. You stitched his wounds together, cell-by-cell. My point is: why didn’t you say anything? Your powers are a-”

“-A curse.”

“What?”

“They’re a curse.” You threw a hard look at Cisco, making sure your hands wouldn’t touch him. “I can’t be playing God, Cisco. And… it’s unpredictable, volatile. I could either heal the life in my hands or take it away. I could rip someone ‘cell-by-cell’, Cisco. There’s no ‘in between’, not this time. He got lucky with my powers. He got lucky I didn’t make things 100% irreversible.”

“But why didn’t you say anything?” Cisco eyed the gloves you wore; it wasn’t the season for leather gloves.

“Because I didn’t want to give anyone false hope.”

“You don’t want to give yourself false hope, you mean.”

“…I can’t even heal a plant, Cisco. No matter how hard I tried, it wilted further. It’s a curse.”

“That’s not guaranteed every time, you know. It takes practice – discipline to get your powers to work with you instead of for you.” He nudged your shoulder with his, turning his gaze to the flock of birds drifting through the wind. “You know, he broke up with Tracy.”

“Ok?”

“Happened a week ago. She didn’t take it well and let me tell you. Tracy Brand was livid – the rage and yelling were off the charts. I think she has Harry beat. I knew it wasn’t going to last anyway, it was too superficial to begin with.”

“Uh huh.” You tried to sound uninterested, but deep down you were relieved. You heard a little ring in your ear. You wondered…

“She’s gone, won’t be coming here anymore.

“Ok.”

“So, go make your move.”

You turned abruptly to face him. “Cisco, have you thought that maybe HR doesn’t want to dive into a relationship right away? That… maybe he needs space to focus on himself?” All were things you had contemplated for yourself before.

“And what better way to do that than with a new roommate.”

“Excuse me?”

“Surprise, you’re getting a temporary roommate while we fully fix up things around the labs. I volunteered you since you have the space and the patience to deal with HR.” Your blood froze in your veins.

“Francisco Ramon, I am going to-”

“-Thank me, you’re going to thank me.” He had already breached away before you had the chance to strangle him. Heat rushed to your cheeks at the idea of HR living with you, even if it was a temporary living arrangement. You scolded your heart for beating loudly in your chest. One hand gripped tightly to your other. An audible sigh escaped you as your mind played with the idea.

Shit, what am I going to do?

***Day 1***

Cisco blew out an exhausted breath, setting down another box on top of a box in the guest room. You and the mechanical genius had been breaching back and forth with HR’s things as said novelist was crippled. His arm would take about another four weeks to heal. About 20 percent of shoulder fractures are displaced and may require some type of manipulation to restore normal anatomy. Occasionally the rotator cuff muscles are injured or torn at the same time as the fracture. Fortunately for HR, his rotator cuff muscles weren’t as damaged. This can further complicate the treatment. Therefore, in that time, HR would just be handling the lighter stuff, bless his heart. The novelist entered the room with his black backpack slung over his functioning shoulder – it was the last thing that he could carry.

“I think there’s one more box left,” HR pointed with his thumb towards his back direction, the breach closing behind him.

“I’ll go get it, not a problem. Why don’t you two get started on unpacking, huh?” HR shrugged with one shoulder and stepped away to set his bag down by the bed. Cisco threw a cheeky look your way when HR had his back turned, his eyebrows wiggling. ‘Have fun love birds,’ the scientist had mouthed at you. You flicked him off with a deadpanned look. Instantly you dropped it when the Wells doppelganger turned as Cisco snickered before he breached away. He gave you a confused look, but you waved it off.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For allowing me to stay obviously. And for all the help since I’m, well, a bit tangled up at the moment.”

He was referring to the cross-body sling that clung onto him like a spider. HR rubbed the back of his neck, and you didn’t miss the way his bicep flexed at the motion in that gray short-sleeve shirt. Calm the fuck down, it’s just a toned muscle. You’ve seen things like that before.  The puppy-like smile HR sent you had your cheeks warming up. The gentle smile that made your heart melt all over again. You cleared your throat as you reached for a box. “It’s no big deal, HR.” Undoing the tape seal with scissors, you opened the box- and the first thing you see are a pair of handcuffs accompanied by a silky black blindfold.

“What’s in the box?”

A little noise left you as you shut the flaps of the box, trying to seal it again. The flaps remained downward in the box. “Nope, nothing. Just some clothes here. I’m going to get that one box from the living room.” You had backtracked right into the door, your nose throbbed in response at the collision. “Ow,” you muttered to yourself, rubbing the skin.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine,” your response was quick, but not rude. A deep chuckle made its way to your ears as you scrambled out the room, your heart hammering in your chest. Your thoughts scolded you for being so awkward and flustered around him. Be cool, just chill out… The man you’re hopelessly in love with is just living with you temporarily, it’s not like anything will amount from this. You picked up the last box in the living room, hoping that just clothes would be in here and not anymore kink toys. I mean… I have toys, too. AW SHIT, I HAVE TO HIDE THEM!

HR’s eyes never left you as you made your panicked exit. He let out a little breath before shuffling over to the box you had been attending to. Immediately, he face-palmed hard when he had opened it with one hand. His face felt impossibly hot at what you had seen. She must think I’m an idiot or something. His mind thought back to when you helped him shop for some new clothes then it had gotten ruined from a meta. His hand fell away from his face, the image of your kind grin imprinted in his mind. I am an idiot, though. A fool.

Once Cisco returned, you three continued unpacking HR’s things for the time he’d spend here. The labs were still in ‘piss-poor’ shape according to Cisco and that he’ll need to consult with Harry and Wally regarding repairs.

“HR, how are you showering?”

“Um, like a normal person?” A dumbfounded look crossed HR’s features as he set the plate of sandwiches down. The novelist had knitted his eyebrows at Cisco. He had taken up to experimenting in the kitchen when he wasn’t writing. The tea and coffee were still brewing in your kitchen.

“No, I mean with how your shoulder is injured,” Cisco snuck an evil look at you, you returned it with a glare, “must be hard handling it alone.” You knew exactly where this dumbass wanted to take this conversation, so you stayed silent as to not get caught in the crossfire.

HR thought to himself for a moment. “Just a bit, but I’ve gotten used to the mild discomforts and pain. I can mostly reach everything thanks to my long limbs. But I think the nice thing is that it’s an internal issue, not an external one. An external injury or wound would require me to really have help with showering that way the area doesn’t get infected or irritated with the contents of soaps.” A laugh fell from his lips, but his mind wondered what his friend was playing at while you were around.

“I’m just saying, if you ever need a hand well,” Cisco trailed off with a smirk, chomping on his third sandwich.

Oh, I see. Devious, but a futile effort. “I’ll make sure you’re the first one I ask for help,” HR teased with a smirk of his own for Cisco to drop his in disgust. A cough escaped you, which had HR’s eyes land on you. Your eyes met for a moment before you deviated your gaze. HR felt hypnotized for a moment. Hm… The engineer quickly recovered from HR’s snide remark.

“Alright kids, I’ll be going now. The labs require some diligent work that I, a capable and distinguished engineer, could only do.”

“Yet, we still have the occasional security issues,” You sipped your tea once the snarky comment was out. HR stifled a chuckle, but you heard it. The corners of your mouth lifted slightly at the notion.

“Hey, that’s not fair. They always come up with something new to invade our space by.” Cisco pointed a finger at you, mocking a hurtful expression on his face. It dropped into a sneaky smile. “Make good choices and always use protection, you two!” He breached away before you could throw your cup at him.

***Multiple Days Pass***

Through his time here, you noticed HR fueled to write what’s on his mind in the guest room. You could only assume that he continued his adventure story. Sometimes he would venture out for some coffee or take a walk to give his creativity a break. Keeping that in mind, you gave HR the space he needed as well as all noises to a minimum. You knew he liked the quiet atmosphere to pour his heart and soul into words as he did research for a scene. Pulling your jacket on, you compiled a list of groceries before you stepped out of your apartment. Locking the door, you headed out to the store picking up a few necessities as well as some snacks for HR. Like Harry, the novelist can easily lose himself in his task – which meant that he tended to forget about eating and such. You found a bag of Jitters coffee beans, adding it to your cart of items. Buying some snacks and fruit, you’d leave a note in the kitchen of the snacks when he emerged from his writing cave.

On the way back, you stopped by at Iris’ studio to check up on her. A few groceries for her as well were in hand. Cecile and you did your best to visit Iris. But you can’t deny that you blamed her to a certain extent. Had she spoken up once she had left Savitar’s place disguised as HR, HR wouldn’t have been hurt that night on Infantino Street. Surely, she could have contacted her father or Cisco or something. The transition could have been smoother. HR wouldn’t have been… The journalist was faring; she pushed through the pain and as Barry had told her ‘to keep living’. So, Iris did. She hadn’t been herself since Barry went into the Speedforce – she pushed too much, the smile wouldn’t reach her eyes sometimes. You sympathized; she lost the love of her life. But you almost had too.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, just… taking it one day at a time.” You nodded at her response, a small smile on your face. “How are things with you and HR? I heard of the temporary living conditions.”

“It’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m in my bubble and he’s in his doing his writing.”

“Right. Nothing going on whatsoever?”

“Iris.”

Iris set her cup of hot chocolate down and raised both hands in mock defeat. “We all saw it. We all see it.”

“See what?”

“How smitten you are for him.”

“I’m not-”

“-Don’t say you’re not. If you weren’t you, Harry wouldn’t have to pry you off Savitar before you clawed his eyes out.”

“…” You just looked into your tea, the honey that settled at the bottom. Iris placed a sympathetic hand on your shoulder, but you didn’t look at her.

“The heart will want what it wants, (Y/N). Pushing your feelings into a box and denying it out loud won’t change things.”

“I know.”

And my heart wants him, over and over again. Even if he can’t see me.

***

HR tapped his pencil against the desk at a steady pace. His mind wouldn’t focus on the words in front of him, on the scene he wanted to set. Instead, it kept drifting further from it. Further towards you: your eyes, your smile, the kindness that you held; the serenity that your existence held as the world continued to turn and chaos had unfolded at each turn. HR didn’t see much of you while he was here, the novelist missed your company. You were here, but you weren’t really here. You were either in your room or at the balcony with a book or on the couch with your Switch. He didn’t want to bother you, but… sometimes HR just wanted to sit beside you and pull you close to talk. To hold you in his arms and ask you about your day, to understand what you were thinking. HR cracked his back in a stretch from where he sat on his bed, being mindful of his injured shoulder. It didn’t hurt as it had originally done a few weeks back. The Wells doppelganger noticed that you were careful to avoid touching him or him touching you. Not even a hug that you used to graciously give him. You were especially guarded with your hands. A rough sigh left him as he threw his pencil down. The frustration was setting in, he was getting nowhere. You consumed his thoughts. HR wondered if you were revolted by him but doesn’t verbalize his thoughts to you. He didn’t think you’d give him your truthful answer. Maybe she is revolted by me. She did find the cuffs and the blindfold… No, she knew about the cuff stage thing well before that.

The sound of the front door greeted his ears followed by the soft tune of music. A frown made its way onto his face. Might as well take a break. HR stretched once more when he fully stood up, a little noise of relief left his lips. He cracked his back once more before smelling himself. For safe measure, the novelist sprayed a bit of cologne on himself and turned off the candle he had on. He mentally noted to take a shower after dinner since his last was yesterday. He liked the feeling of being clean, to be honest. HR carded a hand through his hair. I need a haircut soon, too. Yeesh, I feel like I’m letting myself go. Once I’m all healed it’s back to proper cuts and the labs’ recreation room. He wanted to go back to lifting weights and doing yoga for body stability purposes – especially now because of his shoulder. HR rested a hand on his chest, the wound had healed completely, but a scar remained. Upon entering the kitchen, he saw the groceries on the table and heard you whisper along with the lyrics. The music was set to a low level that your whispers were audible enough. He watched you sway a bit with the tune.

So please don't break my heart

Don't tear me apart

I know how it starts

Trust me I've been broken before

Don't break me again

I am delicate

Please don't break my heart

Trust me I've been broken before

The guitar tune pulled at his heart, feeling the raw emotion behind the lyrics. He eyed you for a moment. HR cleared his throat to make his presence known, he knew you didn’t like to be snuck up on. However, a little gasp left you from where you were. “You went out shopping?”

You looked up from where you crouched to put away the cereal. “Uh yeah, we were running low on some stuff.” You shut the cabinet and went to the other items you had bought. The music continued to delicately play.

“Need any help?”

“Um, sure. Uh, just set these into the cabinet on the left.” Normal, be normal. He’s not going to eat you or anything. Distance is good. Distance keeps you safe. You didn’t meet his eyes, the eyes that’d pull you in and never let you out – your heart shook with him here and the song that played. You were hoping HR wouldn’t come out while you prepped dinner to have a sort of peace of mind. The next song played before you could stop it-

My last made me feel like I would never try again

But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt

Come closer, I'll give you all my love

If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything

“I like this song,” HR started as he was finishing up with putting his side of the groceries away. Another guitar-like song that brought out the soft feelings of love and rejection. HR mused to himself if fate had planned this out. If this was some sort of sign or a cruel joke… You had stopped yourself from clicking the button to skip the song at his comment. You don’t know what possessed you to let him indulge in another song that you’ve cried to late at night. “Hey, I can cook dinner tonight. I have something I’ve been wanting to try. I’m not that crippled so I can manage with a few cookware.” HR chuckled to himself, a goofy grin on his face. Your heart leapt in your chest; his grin caused a small smile to pull at your lips. “You can wash up first?”

You swallowed thickly, your eyes meeting his icy blues. You felt your cheeks warm up slightly as the nerves crawled up your spine. “Oh, ok. Cool, yeah. Can’t wait to see what you cook up.” You nodded, ducking your head away and shuffling out of the kitchen with that shy smile on your face. You missed the longing look he had sent you as you fastened your steps to head to your room.

God I love that smile. What goes on in that little head of yours? We used to be so close… before Tracy came into the picture. HR pulled out the spices and the chicken breast. He shook his head and proceeded to prep the food with his one useful hand. I need to consult Francisco.

***

“We need to talk,” HR’s voice broke the silence in the side lab of the Cortex. He had breached to the labs using the Breach Extrapolator after he had showered and such. His damp hair was pushed back in HR’s normal style.

“About what?” Cisco raised a concerned eyebrow at the writer, stopping what he had been doing.

“(Y/N).”

A nervous laugh left Cisco as he went back to attempting to make the necessary modifications to the Speed Bazooka. Tracy was reluctant to help the mechanical engineer after the breakup. “What about (Y/N)?” Cisco put down his screwdriver. “Did you do something weird to her?”

“What? No! I- we used to be closer. We always talked, we’d hang out after a long day here at the labs.”

“Uh huh.”

“And, maybe it’s just me, but things have changed.”

“How so?” Cisco was wondering what conclusion HR was leading himself to.

“Things changed when Tracy came into the picture.”

Cisco made a little ‘o’ with his mouth with a little nod before closing it. He pushed a rough sigh past his lips, he was getting really tired of this puppy love game. “Why do you think that?”

“Francisco, she flinches when I get close – almost when I touch her… Does she hate me?”

“I think you and I know the answer to that one. But I think the real question should be: Why do you care so much? Why does it bother you? Do you love her, HR?”

The novelist tensed a bit. “…” HR pursed his lips as Cisco walked around the table that the speed weapon was mounted on. Blueprints were scattered on one table while the glass board held variables and equations he could not decipher. “What?”

“I said what I said,” the mechanical genius smoothly responded. One look at HR and Cisco knew that he was baffled by his forward words. But they needed to be said. “Now run along and use that head of yours to think about what your heart wants. Barry isn’t going to get himself out of the Speedforce.”

***

Cisco’s words mulled through HR’s mind as he breached back to your apartment’s living room.  Only the lamp light on the side table was on. HR’s eyes landed on you, who laid on the couch with the book you had been reading on the back ledge of the couch. The novelist took off his shoes and set down his bag. He had detoured to the bookstore, looking for the next installment of your current book. The Wells doppelganger had assumed you didn’t buy it yet as it was vacant from your bookshelf. The gentle giant stepped silently closer to you; the dim light cast over you like a glow. There were slight bags under your eyes. She hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Spotting a large and fluffy blanket near, HR grabs it and lays it on top of you. He remembered you mentioned to him prior that you easily get cold, especially at night. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, HR contemplated something before his body moved impulsively. The novelist placed a gentle kiss on your forehead; his lips lingered for a few more seconds. Pulling back, HR watched your chest rise and fall.  He turned the light off and stumbled over to his room with his phone light guiding him. He knew what he was going to write. Cisco’s question pestered him enough though.

Do you love her, HR?

HR took one look out his door before shutting it, his heart squeezed tightly in his chest as he whispered, “Goodnight, my angel.” Only the shadows that lingered were a witness to the fondness laced in those simple words.

***

You woke up with a start, you hand instantly smacking right into your chest. Heavy breaths left you as your nerves were in overdrive. Cold sweat beaded your skin as you gasp for air. It was another night terror – the same one for a few weeks now; a new way in which you caused HR’s death. Swallowing thickly, you screw your eyes tightly shut and whisper the mantra that calmed you down. After a few minutes, you started to regain control of your breathing – the thoughts that ravaged your mind finally ceased like the tides subsiding after a tsunami. You blinked languidly, hating nights like these. They weren’t rare, but they weren’t an uncommon occurrence. Deciding that you needed to step out for some air, you did so with the intent of getting a glass of water from the kitchen. Your fingers found the lights for the dimmers in your room, setting it to its lowest setting for you to see yourself out.

Cracking the door open, you were instantly met with the scene of HR passed out on the couch again. He’s been doing that for around two weeks now, the couch his new base of operations. His mouth was slightly open as little snores escaped him. A lovestruck smile crossed your features at the sight. Papers were littered around him, on the ground, and on the tables. Must be the manuscript he’s working on for his final draft. I hope I can read it at some point. Coming back from the kitchen with the water in hand you couldn’t help but stop to admire the sight. You noticed the glasses still perched on his face. Moving as silent as a ninja, you inched closer to pull off the glasses from his face. They’ll break if he keeps them on while he sleeps. Then he won’t see for shit when reading things. You nibbled on your bottom lip as your eyes drifted to the papers. One peek won’t hurt anyone. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Seating yourself on the ground, you leaned your back against the foundation of the couch. You were opposite to where HR’s upper body was. If there were any telltale signs of him waking, you’d hightail out before he could fully wake up and process what you were doing. Picking up a small stack, you started sifting through them. Your mind became engrossed with the words – the beginnings of the story he had spun about his adventures as to how he came to Earth-1. Then… mentions of an angel eluded you. It couldn’t be Tracy, could it? I know they broke up, but… on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that he can’t say that she was his angel at the time. Like a character development thing leading to their break up?? Well fuck, I don’t even think he’d mention such a personal thing in his book. I know I wouldn’t… would I? I don’t know. A little smile danced at your lips while you read on about the synonymous things regarding Team Flash that you failed to notice HR rouse from sleep.

“Do you like it?” Lethargy intertwined his words. A stunned noise left you as you clutched the papers. You turned to see HR rubbing his eyes before gazing at you.

I could get lost in those eyes if I stared too long.

“Uh, yeah, its- it’s really good,” you stuttered, setting the papers down in your lap. Embarrassment of getting caught gripped you. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I don’t mind you taking a peek. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of in it.” HR shifted his lithe body to sit next to you on the ground.

“Oh.”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“No.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“It’s not that important, I’ll be ok.”

“If you say so,” HR’s shoulders sagged slightly. “I’m here if you want to talk.” You nodded at him, whispering a little thank you. HR ran a hand over his knee, he took a glimpse at you who stared at the papers. He noticed what chapter you hand been reading – the angel was making an appearance in the story. The hair at the back of his neck stood while you thumbed the words on the paper back in forth, just lost in your mind. Your hair was messy from sleep, the bags under your eyes were still there. It killed him how you wouldn’t confide in him anymore. But he didn’t push you. You would open up to him if you wanted to or not, even if he wanted you to do so as so his mind can be at ease with knowing what’s going on with you. Cisco’s question sprang up in his mind once more before he licked his lips, his eyes watching you. “I do.”

You gave HR a strange look. I do, what?

“Tracy wasn’t her.” Realization struck HR the more you whispered with him.

“Huh??”

“I heard this voice before I woke up.” The novelist fully turned to you with intense eyes, the enlightenment in them – the fire that burned brightly. “The tenderness in it could rival any tasteful delight in the multiverse.”

“A voice?”

“Mm, it made me think that only a heavenly deity would have such a voice.” You remained silent as he spoke. “I never got to hear that voice since my coma… until now?”

You tensed at what he was insinuating. “Now?”

“How could I forget?”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“How could I forget about you?” The baritone huskiness in his voice made you melt with the way he said those words. You swallowed, trying to calm the butterflies that raged in the pit of your stomach. “The flowers that were left – beautiful, delicate, yet meaningful. You left those after visiting me.”

“…”

She didn’t deny it. “But you never visited when I was awake because of Tracy.”

“She hates me.”

“And I was too blind to see that until I broke up with her, she threw quite a fit.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you must have loved her so much that it would be hard to let go.” She was your angel, after all.

“She didn’t even know me. Truly know me.”

“… Did she hurt you?”

“Slightly, but the bruise is gone.” You and he were silent for a moment. Only the sound of a distant car horn was heard from the streets. “You didn’t deny it.”

“Deny what?”

“The flowers, the visit…” HR licked his lips as a rough breath left him. His nerves were climbing, but he needed to do this. “Cisco told me what you did to Savitar when you saw him. How angry you were that Harry had to pry you off him – I was so angry.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t know then… but I know now.”

“And?”

“Tracy was never the one written in my story – she didn’t care. She didn’t see me for anything other than a pretty face obsessed with coffee. You did.” HR tucked your hair behind your ear, carefully gauging your reaction. He saw how you tried not to flinch away from him. “Do you hate me?” He asked as he retracted a hand from you, happy that he was at least getting through to you.

“Never could I feel such a way towards you.” You hesitated for a moment before testing the waters. You started to explain, “I- the night you were stabbed by Savitar I… I just broke. I pushed Tracy away, I had Barry rush you back to the labs. You were dying, unconscious on the gurney and… I got to work trying to resuscitate you. I had Cisco take care of Tracy while I worked, I needed space to think clearly, but I couldn’t. When- when the others were preoccupied with Iris’ appearance, I used these powers.” It was now or never. “I was desperate. Your life was hanging by a thread- I didn’t think it was going to work, but nothing else was working. You were bleeding so much. But I had to try. I…” Your glassy eyes locked back on his, your hands pulled close to your body. HR understood now why you never tried touching him. Why you are avoiding getting too close. “Cisco found out, he confronted me. But these powers, life isn’t guaranteed. They’re volatile, unprecedented – regardless of how I feel in the moment the balance can tip between giving a life and taking one.” There was a tightness in your chest as your voice cracked, “I’m cursed, I could hurt you.” I’m dangerous.

“I don’t think you will.”

“You don’t know that!”

“But I do,” HR reached a hand out to hold yours. Tension filled your heart as panic started to settle. “You wouldn’t let yourself hurt me. It would pain you too much.” HR squeezed your slightly shaky hand, his other hand still bound by the cross-sling. “My life is in your hands.”

“How can you trust me so much?”

“Because love cannot be built without a foundation of trust.” He placed a sweet kiss on the knuckles of your hand. “And understanding.” He took the other and kissed it, baby blue eyes shifted back to yours with such intense emotion. The adoration that filled the author to the brim for you. Just for you. Only you. The one who saw him for everything and anything that he is. His safe space – the one other thing he wanted to be for you as well. He wanted to eliminate any fears that resided in your heart, the pain and doubt that remained.

“Do you hate me?”

HR cupped your cheek tenderly as he leaned close, your heart wanted to stop as blood rushed to your cheeks and ears. Your half-lidded eyes shut slowly as his lips skimmed over your own. “Never in my life, angel,” the novelist whispered as he captured your lips in a tender and sentimental kiss.

Never in my life could I hate the one who my heart has yearned for.

[fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy]

Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

[d-criss-news]

The Glee star and Emmy winner for The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, Darren Criss, 34, will be releasing his first album of Christmas songs, titled A Very Darren Crissmas (October 8). It includes duets with Adam Lambert, Evan Rachel Wood and an original song, “Drunk on Christmas,” featuring Lainey Wilson.

What was your goal with this Christmas album?

To reintroduce familiar songs in a new way. But I also wanted to take lesser-known songs and make those feel more familiar. And, most importantly, I wanted to take songs that people don’t associate with Christmas but I do—like Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”—and try to make them feel like Christmas songs.

What inspired you to write “Drunk on Christmas”?

It’s about the end of Christmas when everything’s been done. There’s wrapping on the floor, you’ve cleaned things, the in-laws have left and there’s nothing else to do. It’s two people having a sit-on-the couch moment, sipping a glass of cocoa with some SoCo [Southern Comfort] in it.

What is it about Christmas music? Why did you want to do the Christmas album?

Christmas or the holiday season is something that, whether we like it or not, we experience every year, and that comes with a litany of wonderful songs and music that again, whether you have been proactive about listening to it or not, it’s pretty hard to avoid. It’s permeated our cultural consciousness for our entire lives. So if you happen to be someone like me who consumes music at a hyperactive level, I’ve always adored Christmas music.

People say this because of the way that it makes them feel and the things that it reminds them of. There are so many layers to why people enjoy Christmas music. It’s nostalgic, it is very romantic, at least in the true dictionary meaning of the word romantic. And to me, I’ve always loved it for a much more anthropological reason, which is for one month or several weeks out of the year we suddenly subscribe to a certain sentiment that the other 11 we don’t really dial into. We want it all, then we want it to just go away.

What makes Christmas songs different?

As a musician I’ve always loved that Christmas music can employ certain musical elements that otherwise aren’t very popular. To me, it’s incredible that without a doubt the estates of many artists are guaranteed placement on the radio even though many of them have been deceased for many years. The pop charts are dominated by whatever contemporary, awesome artists there are nowadays, but in December you can guarantee that Burl Ives and Dean Martin will be on the radio with the best of them. I find that so charming. It’s because people really, really love this music.

And those songs don’t sound like the sounds that we’re hearing on the radio, sonically, harmonically, rhythmically. They employ a lot of “classic” sounds that evoke the feeling of Christmas. I’m a self-proclaimed genrephile—this is a term I use for myself throughout all the stuff that I do. I can’t help but be so enchanted by this idea that artists have license, and by license I mean an excuse to do things that you ordinarily wouldn’t be encouraged to do, or that audiences wouldn’t necessarily be as quick to absorb.

So, when you’re talking about classic Christmas writing, for lack of a better word, you use clichéd Christmas terminology, you use certain chords, and harmonies, and instrumentations that you just wouldn’t do throughout the year. It leans on the slightly more sophisticated, slightly more musical, and that is really exciting for someone like me.

How much does the fact that your last name is Criss play into this?

If you play music and your last name is Criss, every year someone says, “You know what you should do?” as if they’re the first person who’s ever thought of this idea. So I’ve always wanted to do this; it was just a matter of time. And I also didn’t want it to be phoned in, I didn’t want it to seem like, “Oh, here’s some songs that you know already.”

I wrote this in my liner notes that my favorite thing to do with art, but particularly music, is curate, interpolate, create and personalize. That’s my main thing. I’m an OK singer, I’m an OK musician, but what I really think I have a yen for is trying to interpolate something new that people didn’t know before.

If you think about a song like “Jingle Bells,” it was not written for Christmas. It was a song from 200-something years ago that bears no mention of Christmas whatsoever, but we associate it so heavily with Christmas. Lately I hear Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” come up on Christmas playlists. I think it must have something to do with the Christian angle of the song and the reverence of the word “hallelujah,” but there’s no mention of Christmas.

So there’s a lot of different things that can make people feel like Christmas if you arrange it a certain way, and that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted this cocktail of songs that people didn’t know and I might be able to introduce to them in a really new, interesting way.

You duet with Adam Lambert, Evan Rachel Wood and Lainey Wilson. These people couldn’t be more different. How did you select your song partners for this?

Honestly, people are busy, so I leaned on friends of mine. The album is called A Very Darren Crissmas, and I wanted to make it just that. Songs that are very, very me, doing things that are very me, and using the talents of people who are legitimately in my life. Adam has been a pal for a long time. We’ve known each other from just adventures in Hollywood, but he, of course, was on Glee with me. Evan Rachel is a dear pal of mine; we’ve done some things together. She’s played my festival, and I’ve done comedy sketches with her and stuff. These are all extraordinarily talented singers. As I told them when I asked them to be a part of it, “I’d be very lucky to have you on this record.”

I had not met Lainey Wilson before I started this. But when you’re in Nashville, you are in the Olympic tent of USDA certified prime country singers. And that’s a bit of a blind spot for me as far as who’s on the up and up, who’s somebody that can really give a level of authenticity, legitimacy to a more classic ’50s Nashville sound, which is the song that I wrote called “Drunk on Christmas.” My producer Ron Fair, who has been living in Nashville for a while, suggested Lainey and we got on like a house on fire. She’s an extraordinary talent and I was happy to have her. These were all people that were part of this grassroots friend to friend thing. That’s how I got them and I’m very lucky that they’re on the record.

There are hundreds of Christmas songs. How did you choose what to include?

Choosing was extremely hard. I had a list of about 100 songs. I’m not done; this record is only phase one in my mind. There are so many songs that it will make your head spin. If you go, “Did you think about this song?” The answer is yes, and I absolutely had to deliberate which ones I had to triage out of the sequence.

I even said no to “The Christmas Song,” which is on the album. I didn’t want to do it because I was like, “Everybody knows it; it’s perfect by Nat King Cole,” and Mel Tormé [who wrote it] is one of my favorite artists of all time, much less songwriters and musicians. So I was like, “I don’t want to have to do that.” And on the day when we were there, we just had a guitar and said, “Let’s just do it for fun,” because I love singing that song. But I was like, “It’s been done perfectly too many times, I really don’t want to have to put myself up against that.” But we had a nice take, it’s live in the room. And hey, come on, it’s Christmas. So I left it on there.

If we were to come to your house during the holidays, what would you be listening to?

I’d probably sit you down and play you my favorite songs that you’ve never heard that I think are great Christmas songs. But what’s nice is I’ve now put those songs on this album, hopefully, in a perhaps delusional effort to standardize these songs in the Christmas pantheon. There has to be an air of delusion to being an artist in the first place. If one of these songs that no one’s ever heard before catches on with a family or a person and becomes part of their Christmas playlist every year, then I will have succeeded in my efforts.

What did the Emmy you won for The Assassination of Gianni Versace do for your career?

Although the Emmy has just my name on it, the number one thing that I’m most proud of is it’s more symbolic and representative of the work of the whole team. It is a validation and celebration of the really hard work of people that I spent a lot of time and energy with creating this role.

You have a couple voice roles coming up—in Trese and Yasuke—but what are we going to see you in next, not just hear you?

I don’t know. Let me know if there’s any opportunities. A huge reason for why this album was made was because I had the time. Making records takes a lot of time, and I’m envious of people who are just singers. I don’t know how people do that, that’s just not who I am. I’m a producer, I’m a writer, I’m a musician. It takes so much out of me to make a body of music because someone doesn’t say, “OK, here are the songs, show up on a Tuesday, you sing it and then you leave.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my favorite artists can do that and are blessed enough to be able to just do that. I can’t.

It takes so much time for me to really get in the weeds, arrange, edit vocals, edit instrumentation, mix tracks, really getting in the jungle of music production. I can’t function any other way and that takes an extraordinary amount of time. Even when there was a global pandemic, I still had deadlines that we could barely make to finish this album because that’s just how my brain works.

So I haven’t been able to act. I haven’t had an acting job in almost two years. That’s not entirely true. I’ve had little bit things during the pandemic, but no big series or films or anything like that. It’s just been mostly working from home and being as proactive as I can be. I started a weekly podcast with a friend of mine, I put out an EP. I’ve been extremely busy with high output and low visibility. I’m waiting for the next thing, but I’m not one to sit still. If you give me time, I’m going to fill all the spaces out. So I did that with music this past two years.

Are you going to go back to Broadway now that it’s opening again?

I don’t want to say anything that is not perhaps confirmed 100 percent, but I will say with full confidence that I have always had the intention of going back exactly where we started. I’ll let them announce what’s happening because every show is in its own unique holding pattern. But, yes, right before the shutdown I was doing American Buffalo in New York, and talk about the actor’s dream, that is right up there. Doing a great American play that I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve had a long history with that show, and I finally get to do it for real with two of my favorite actors—Sam Rockwell and Laurence Fishburne. They are two acting heroes of mine.

So I was in rehearsals for that. We were about to go into tech, and things got shut down. But we’re in a very fortunate position where you’ve got two huge movie stars, you have a very well-known play and you have a fixed set and just three guys. There are musicals that have orchestras, big choruses and huge set pieces, and the overhead and upkeep of these productions is quite complicated. And a lot of them, for that reason, fell by the wayside during the pandemic, and it’s an awful tragedy. But our set and our billboard and our posters are exactly where we left them. It’s kind of a trip. If you go to Circle in the Square, I keep telling people it’s the longest I’ve ever been on Broadway because it’s just sitting there dormant, waiting to be resurrected.

I think all of us are planning on going back. I think the show is scheduled to reopen almost to the day that it was supposed to open in 2020. We’ll see how the schedule ends up, but you have three guys whose heart and soul is the theater. I don’t want to speak for the other two guys, but I’m almost positive that all three of us would rather be doing that play on Broadway than anything else. So when I say I haven’t had an acting gig in two years, it’s been a comfort to know that that was waiting for me on the other end. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we’ll be able to do it. We’ll have to make sure that everything is hunky-dory with theater audiences, et cetera, et cetera, but that’s the idea.

How did Ryan Murphy casting you in Glee change your life?

I said during my Emmy speech that actors are only as good as the moments they get. I used to say actors are only as good as the parts they get. Take that with a huge grain of salt, obviously, it’s not entirely true. But in context of that moment, certainly you can understand what I meant. Acting is a proactive craft, but in many respects it’s a passive career, where you have to hope and wait for a benefactor, a patron, a supporter to say, “OK, all right, kid, you’re up. I think you can do it.”

I think any artist’s life is a constant compromise between knowing what you can do and what you want to do, and having other people, audiences and creative authorities alike, have an idea of what you can do. You have to have that balance of somewhere in the middle, where hopefully you can rise to an occasion that you know you can do, that somebody’s going to give you the opportunity to do. But you’re not in control of that relationship, and so you have to sit and hope and pray that someone is going to give you that moment and that opportunity. That was something that I’m fully indebted to with Ryan.

Because he did say, “All right, kid, you’re up,” and gave me that shot. We talked about the The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story series for years before we did it. I didn’t think he was ever going to do it. By the time we started shooting, he probably mentioned it to me three or four years prior. And I kept asking about it like, “Hey, you still want to do this thing?” I think he was just always obsessed with the fact that I was half Filipino and that I bore a certain resemblance to the guy. Age and everything, it seems pretty spot-on. But he was a man of his word, and he really did end up making it. So I’m incredibly indebted to him and I’ve always been very effusive about that.

Now that you have this modicum of fame, what would you like to use it to accomplish?

For me, there are so many things that I love in this world that I don’t think other people are familiar with. One of the things about having a modicum of a platform is hopefully embracing that to use it as a gateway drug for stuff that people might not be familiar with. I don’t know if they’re going to like it as much as I do, but I’m looking at this track list and there are songs that I guarantee that you don’t know.

These are all things where I go, “OK, I have this moment of people’s attention, hopefully, this is a fun way to have them have eyes on something that I think is deserving of eyes, and not because of me, but because of other people who have made something amazing.” And, hopefully, they have the same proactive curiosity that I had growing up where I look at the liner notes and see who wrote the songs and where they came from. But we’ll see. We’ll see if people have that reaction.

You’ve accomplished so much. What’s the dream going forward?

The dream is to keep doing me, really. I think all you can do is be as true to yourself and try and do as accessible and as valuable work as you can. And, hopefully, in so doing, represent people, giving them visibility and encouragement towards their own place in the cultural conversation.