#that was just that time tho
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My chest pain is driving me crazy because I've gone to the Dr and I've gone to the hospital and I know its nothing (????) but its still fucking there and it comes and goes.
Its like. If I sit in a certain way for too long my chest turns solid. Like, you know, when a character gets crystalized in a movie or show and its a slow creep of the material hardening around them. Except that's happening inside my chest. And then when I move it hurts but I have to move and crack my chest so the hardened material will falls off my chest. And pieces stick so its still often hurts my chest to move. and it isn't just when I sit still too long but that's when its the worst.
Its so hard to explain the sensation to a Dr bc they're like "oh chest pain, is it sharp, or burning?" And I have to be like uh its like when you feel like you need to crack a bone except idek what that feels like bc I've never felt the need to crack a bone until now. And even then I know its not a bone??? What am I even cracking????
#anyway battery rot is setting in on my heart and its getting harder to ignore#sometimes it burns? after i crack it#but overall idk what this actually feels like#sometimes moving wont crack it and im just sitting there in pain#and cracking it does hurt#and doesnt usually immediately get rid of the pain but it helps#i had a Dr suggest it was acid reflux#but that was bc i mentioned neck pain with it and she incorrectly remembered me saying the throat pain was a burning pain#but no i told her it was like there was a hand around my throat#that was just that time tho#anyway#chronically ill#chronic illness#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#fibro#wtf is this??#ACTUALLY this kind of sensation does happen with my joints sometimes if I keep them still too long#but its not exactly the same
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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I have some questions about karaoke night, Alex Hirsch. Very Important Questions. Which I will happily scream at a poor hapless baby triangle who can have no answers for me, and possibly also does not have object permanence yet.
Follow-up that is I guess suggestive, but let's be real here, Bill's a fucking triangle:
Dude slipped right into his birthday suit, lmao
this is so stupid :D
Anyway, I don't care what anyone says, this brilliant individual knows what's up - Bill is absolutely way more of a monsterfucker than Ford could or ever will be, full stop.
#fanart#billford#bill cipher#stanford pines#gravity falls#book of bill#i watched gravity falls because i was curious about all the Toxic Old Man Yaoi on my dash and wanted context#turns out most of the context was in the book of bill tho lmao#look they either banged or married or both while drunk and i will accept no other possibilities#you don't use the phrase 'and one thing led to another' in a PRIVATE JOURNAL if what happened wasn't salacious in some way#i mean - ford didn't exactly grow up in The Most Inclusive Time Period???#dude was probably like 'gotta use this wording for plausible deniability - NO ONE can know i boinked the talking triangle'#in other news - i must bully the baby billy#don't know how much more GF stuff i'll toss up here but i have a few other little scribbles in the works. probably won't color them tho lol#also don't ask me why bill's bowtie stays where it is despite his “pants” being under it. just. just fucking don't ok???#EDIT: oh and since i see this a lot in this fandom for some reason: DO NOT REPOST THIS PLZ K THX :D
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ROMANCE DAWN TRIO
#I have been drawing more pre time skip stuff then actual recent stuff of OP#pre time skip really just had this dumb (but fun) energy#ah don't get me wrong tho OP is still very much a joy#in case you were actually wondering - yes sanji gave zoro that keychain as a joke but uwu#working on 1 more silly drawing atm!#one piece#op#roronoa zoro#op nami#luffy#monkey d luffy#o0kawaii0o
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@/coma_0423’s cursed cat alastor will bring you happiness ♥️
Lulu scolds the cat
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#I could’ve sworn I posted this doodle#I took a break from drawing stuff to doodle this lol#I’m learning clip studio paint! it’s very exciting but challenging so things are moving slow#rn I’m working on the anthology comic#but then back to my bullshit#but school starts next week#hnggg#im sure I’ll find time to slack off tho and draw#also unrelated to that but related to this post#is it weird that it’s so important to me that everyone knows cursedcatalastor’s author#he really became a sensation#which is cool as hell#but idk I just like the thought that people know who designed this lil guy#ESPECIALLY WHEN PPL TRY TO MONETIZE UGH THAT MAKES ME SO UPSET#anyway lemme go make brekky sorry for rambling#tho if you’re reading this#why do u read all my tags im literally an insane person#okay gtg bye ily#hazbin hotel#my doods#hazbin hotel fanart#alastor#cursed cat alastor#liked by creator#forgot that one#lol it’s what reminded me to post this here in the first place
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started playing yakuza
#yakuza#rgg#majima goro#kiryu kazuma#my art#again like metal gear this is a series ive been meaning to get into for a long time#ive had y0 in my steam library for like 4 years-- but im actually starting w kiwami rn#IM NOT DONE W METAL GEAR THO i still havent finished 5#its just so... empty ashdgdh it takes forever i need story#and i need to play 4 still
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I probably won't finish this piece any time soon, but I wanted to share the unfinished version with you anyways!
#i'm just so busy these days I can't find the time to work on bigger illustrations#:(((#I still really like how this looks tho#So I wanted to show it to you all anyways#this is south downs aziracrow#good omens#good omens fanart#good omens 2#aziraphale#crowley#aziraphale and crowley#ineffable husbands#ineffable husbands fanart#good omens 2 fanart#my art
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make it vicious, take a stab
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#gojo satoru#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jujutsu gojo#jjk gojo#jjk satoru#blood/#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#just in case idk#i believe in night moves fv supremacy#i feel like i say this every time but im dead deceased on the floor in the ground etc etc#maximum effort fr gojo as usual sighhhhhhhhhhhh#3 days on this mf who let me draw another mirror who didnt talk me down#i got so frustrated after i finished his reflection only to realize i had a whole other half gojo to draw#do not look too closely ik its not perfectly mirrored ik ik ik i wanted to die the whole time pls b kind#especially the hair gjhdfkdgk the last mirrored char i drew was megumi and at least with him his hair is dark#with which i can Conceal my mistakes#none of tht here sighs . this freak and his florescent hair#anyway even tho i died and perished and expired etc i am . SO happy w this u have no idea#blood sweat and tears went into this one#and easter eggs! so many easter eggs#pls take it and enjoy im tired of staring at him and his god awful lipstick job . make yourself decent smh
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Pt 1
Classic Sonic and Tails are just built like that. No discrimination.
I apologize for my janky freaking hand writing too.
#I genuinely forgot how I colored the first one.....#they both have just been lying this whole time tho#honestly kinda mean#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sonic#shadow#miles tails prower#tails the fox#classic sonic#classic tails#comics#sonic fanart#bright colors#again not sonadow but yk#the generations ultimate thing#sonadow#sonic x shadow generations
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Happy Amok Time Day, friendly reminder that Theodore Sturgeon, the writer of the episode, is credited with the first positive portrayal of homosexuality in science fiction with his short story The World Well Lost (1953), 14 years before Amok Time aired. Which could mean nothing.
#please read it tho it’s online and it’s soooo good#heartbreaking.#devastating.#but incredible#and a very quick read too#it’s also funny because like. the characters are very similar to Kirk and Spock just like less likeable versions#which again. could mean nothing.#anyhow I think it adds a very neat layer to amok time#star trek#spirk#tos#amok time#the world well lost#theodore sturgeon#sci fi
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decided to redraw and improve this silly thing i did two years ago
here's the two compared like damn the colors on the first what was that 😭
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#my style has drastically changed specially in the past year so it's nice to see such a big difference and sctually feel proud of myself#i can't stop drawing them this is becoming a problem#wenclair fanart#im also doing some prompts for wenclairtober but i'll probably do another post for those once i have a few more#i'll be posting them on tw tho!#they're mostly just going to be b&w sketches i really don't have time for more#wenclair#enid sinclair#wednesday addams#wednesday x enid#wednesday netflix#evgarart
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always good to keep a screamhole handy
#danny phantom#danny fenton#college au#ember mclain#this one was a struggle to finish tbh#but the thinking around it is how ghosts handle stress#like#hmm#bc of the way they operate ghosts don’t have human emotional regulation#there is no shoving feelings down#they gotta go OUT#ghost fights and having fun in the ghost zone is usually enough#but in times of big stress sometimes he’s just gotta scream/wail it out#easier to just destress the ghost way yanno#less work#quicker recovery#also in this#displays of power aren’t inherently aggressive but they do affect how much respect you get#he’s just screaming into a mostly uninhabited void#but he’s the ghost king and he wasn’t really thinking#so just like#ghost nukes tf out of this little area#no harm no foul tho
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Is this my best comic ever?? Nope. Do I think I characterized either of these two particularly well in this comic?? Not really. Did I spend an unreasonable amount of time on it to the point that it would be a waste to not post it?? Yes, yes I did.
I really committed to this one, spent a lot of time on those backgrounds and treated myself to ample suffering with the perspective, which is not my strong suit but I am happy with how it ultimately looks. Yay perspective and background practice!!
(Tbh I shouldn't talk like I think this one sucks, I think I've just been staring at it for so long that my brain has decided it's not good and it's actually way better than I think it is, and honestly I am quite happy with it. The artistic process really is something, isn't it?)
The inspiration was basically me reminding... myself... to take breaks sometimes... by drawing for several hour stints during my only little bits of free time. Which totally tracks. Probably. But I've been rolling around in my brain this idea that Lambert is a very uptight people pleaser and anxious workaholic, but Narinder, at least since adjusting himself to the circumstances (which probably took at least a century, maybe two) has discovered the joys of self care, and has made an active effort to chill tf out. This has not made him any less terrifying to the cultists (save for Lambert's closest disciples), nor has it made him friendlier to really anyone but Lambert (and maybe his siblings), but he sure has found some serious peace of mind. That said, I can't place what his motivations are here. Perhaps he is secretly concerned about Lambert's sanity, because he doesn't want them to turn into what he was, or maybe he's just trying to steal away some quality time with his one and only friend, but regardless of the reason, I spent too much time on this for nobody to see it, dang it.
That said. Enjoy this silly little comic that I spent way too much time on, and I hope this silly comic brings you some joy today.
#cult of the lamb#cult of the lamb fanart#cotl#cotl fanart#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl narilamb#narilamb#(like honestly narilamb is a qpr to me specifically and i intend this as such but this can easily be read as romantic as well tbh)#also we get some bonus jalala and rinor in this one!! and some bonus... implied leshycat. technically#not gonna tag those individually cuz there's just like. not enough of it for me to feel like those tags have any meaning#but they're here as a bonus. also jalala and rinor are fun to draw maybe i should make a mini comic just about them sometime#rambles aside pls enjoy this ridiculous comic that i spent an unreasonable amount of time on it was a joy to work on#and even tho its not my best comic ever i do love how it turned out it was such a good time#the yet untitled qpr narilamb au
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get with the Crow-gram, Davrin
#datv spoilers#veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#dragon age veilguard#rook de riva#lucanis dellamorte#davrin dragon age#Marisol de Riva#illario dellamorte#i have THOUGHTS about illario lol i love him actually#and i encourage lucanis to forgive/spare him because like illario is just doing what he was technically raised to do????#i do think illario spirals a bit when he realizes that zara didn't kill lucanis and instead tortured him#and then a lot of the stupid choices he makes after that are like...trying to “fix” it#but also having read the wigmaker job i'm like...i feel like there's some blood magic or something afoot with illario bc like?? ;-;#but also tho literally every time illario comes up in conversation lucanis is like MY IDIOT COUSIN - if i was illario i'd just start biting
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On a break, what are they talking about?
#finished in time before the big update#so excited to play again#don't you hate btw when you got those days where you just can't get into drawing?#that was this one for me#turned out fine tho but man had to ease into it :)))#anyway I like seeing the villagers talking together in the game#fields of mistria#fom#fom ryis#fom march#fom fanart#o0kawaii0o
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