#that still creates a social disconnect that’s not to say you should feel guilty i am saying that blaming an abstract group is easy and

[icelogged]

a lot of you guys are blaming this solely on “tiktok / twitter” culture which is, evidently, valid [as she deleted those] however i think it’s important to reflect on your own actions as well instead of assigning blame to a faceless general group. we are all interacting with her parasocially through tumblr that still creates a social disconnect. that is not to say, you should feel guilty… it’s just to say that blaming a abstract group is easy and doesn’t do anything positive for the situation 

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Hello hello! I LOVE your summaries and chapter & character analyses! I just wanted to ask...what is the significance of the bottom panel with little Ogata and his mom plus that text? Maybe I'm reading his expression wrong, but little Ogata seems to be looking lovingly at his mom (looks like a slight smile on his face)? It's interesting that this was shown near the final battle...

Sorry, I placed these three asks together because they deal with a similar topic.

Now, as I mentioned more than once I'm in the group that believes that Ogata is indeed feeling emotions like any human being but he's used to suppress them so that not only he often doesn't show them but he manages to keep his conscious side not even aware of them.

I've a by now ancient meta dealing with how characters in the story cope with guilt trying to suppress it, as this is a recurring theme through GK.

Noda seems to remark on how Ogata is so good at ignoring his guilt yet he's feeling it by giving to said guilt a manifestation in form of Ogata hallucinating Yuusaku.

Basically, unless we assume Yuusaku is a real wandering ghost tormenting Ogata, the fact Ogata keeps on hallucinating Yuusaku tells us he feels guilty, that murdering Yuusaku wasn't like stepping on a leaf for him, an act he did without thinking about it and forgot short after.

The memory of Yuusaku torments Ogata each time his psychological defences are at their weakest point, we see it happening when he was lying in a hospital after having been injuried by Sugimoto but also when in Karafuto he get feverish and, in this case, Yuusaku's image superimpose with Asirpa, creating in his mind a subconscious connection.

Later, in fact Yuusaku's hallucination will 'stop' him each time he'll try to shoot Asirpa.

We see something similar happening to Asirpa as well, as, when she consider killing Ostrog, she can't because she's reminded of when her arrow hit Ogata.

In Asirpa the whole thing is more natural as, although she too is prone to suppress negative emotions, she's not really doing it as much as Ogata, who's a lot more psychologically damaged than Asirpa will ever be.

Ogata has likely felt affection for his mother.

He remembers her, he dreams her as she sung him a lullaby, he used to love the anglerfish nabe she made, when he realized she was going insane, he tried to 'heal' her by providing her other things to cook.

When he lies about Sugimoto's last words in his mind he basically imagines Sugimoto's last minutes were what he wanted his father's last minutes to be, him thinking at his mother, him wanting to provide to her, him wanting to eat her anglerfish nabe again.

He had genuine attachment for his mother.

I don't know how he came up with the idea that, if she were to die, his father would finally come for her.

I know back then insane people weren't entrusted to a mental asylum but left in the family's 'care' the family either keeping trapped in a room that would work as a cell or disposing of them as discreetly as possible (a common way was to bring them to a trip on the mountains and 'forget' them there).

This social background could have influenced him but I don't know if we'll ever know why he came up with such an idea.

But that act likely impacted deeply on his psyche because Hanazawa never came and he lost his mother.

Possibly it's from that act Ogata learnt to bury guilt. So as not to feel pain for his own actions, for his own loss, he learnt to bury it, to disconnect from it and grew up with the idea he felt none when instead he continued to repress it... which is encouraged because Ogata becomes a soldier when he's really young and soldiers are actively encouraged and brainwashed into not feeling guilt for killing people.

And so Ogata ends up on meeting Yuusaku who latches on him like a lost puppy, without any care for how Ogata, as politely as he could, told him to let him be.

As far as Ogata knows, Yuusaku is the reason due to why Hanazawa stopped visiting his mother.

Ogata doesn't want to play the role of the 'Ani-sama' (兄様 "older brother") to the guy who, according to what he knows, caused his mother's abandonment... and Tsurumi feeds this feeling by suggesting if Yuusaku were out of the picture Hanazawa would love Ogata.

All this eventually leads to Yuusaku's demise, which, again, gives Ogata nothing. Hanazawa doesn't care for Ogata all the same. When Ogata goes and talk with him there's the implication his mother was already starting to lose her mind and that's why Hanazawa rejected her.

My speculation is Tome was a bit like Usami, obsessed with Hanazawa, thinking he would eventually dump his wife and marry her.

She, as far as we know, differently from Usami didn't get to the point she murdered someone to get Hanazawa, but he probably saw her obsession as insanity, he likely never planned to leave his wife, which is from the upper class, and marry a geisha and this is possibly why he left her, because she wouldn't content herself with being just his lover but had the 'insane' fantasy she could become more.

Anyway, while Ogata probably managed to bury deep enough the guilt for his mother's death, he just can't work out in the same way the guilt for Yuusaku's death, which haunts him even though he tries to deny it even to this day.

It's meaningful how in chap 253, when he tries to aim at Asirpa, he senses Yuusaku in the same way as he has sensed it in chap 246, when he was trying to aim at her again but, despite Ogata being usually intelligent, he doesn't manage to make the connection between those two happenings.

Actually in chap 253 the fact he got distracted by Yuusaku's presence even saved his life, yet he interprets it as Yuusaku's ghost trying to get in his way.

He lives in denial, his father, with his dying breath, cursed him so of course Yuusaku would be there to get in his way.

Either there's really a ghost in this story or Ogata is just not ready to accept he feels guilty.

And in all this mess he stumbles into Asirpa who we can see presents parallels with both his mother (she feeds him but she also loves someone who loves another) and Yuusaku.

And so at this point we've to wonder where Noda is going to lead him.

Since there was all this big build up between him and Asirpa, we can wonder if he'll face her again and this will force him to face the emotions he repressed for such a long time.

Will this cause him to be more open with his emotions and not suprress them? Will this cause him to accept he feels guilty? Will it make him cry? Will it make him show affection for someone again?

It's hard to say.

Unless Noda radically changed his plans, as I've said many times, I don't think he plans to kill Ogata... but this doesn't necessarily mean he'll make a 180° turn from how he is.

We've seen how Tsukishima tried to face what he kept inside... only to go back on square 1 and return on being a loyal Tsurumi follower.

We've seen Koito trying to be different... but then he let doubt catch him and he didn't dare to confront Tsurumi when he understood the latter knew they were there.

Changing is difficult.

We saw Shiraishi... slowly growing attached to Sugimoto and Asirpa to the point he went into the brewery despite the fire to save Sugimoto (and we've heard Boutarou saying through his whole permanence into the group how Shiraishi changed from how he was even though Shiraishi himself denied it).

Changing is possible... but it requires time... and, often, it requires help, a reason to do so. Shiraishi changed because he formed an emotional bond with Sugimoto and Asirpa due to the GOOD time they spent together. They had bad times as well, but the good ones just won.

So, back to Ogata... even if he finally were to face what he keeps inside... how much this would change him?

Hard to say but this is not a shonen so I doubt we'll have a drastical change in a short amount of time.

The story is ending, my guess, according to what Noda did, is Ogata isn't going to die but, all the bets are open on how he's going to live.

Tears when he were to face his buried feelings would be a good release of bottled up emotions but again, it depends on how he faces them. If he does it the bare minimum to realize he actually can feel guilt, we might not get them.

There's no time for him to develop emotional attachment/affection. Either he already has it, and he is in denial for it, or this is something that will require time. So it's a bit like a videogame. Will Noda unlock this event or not?

As Noda showed a flashback with his mother of whome we hadn't seen the face yet, I expect we'll get more about her... and possibly about his grandparents.

So yeah, we could get to see a more emotional Ogata, but it can also be this won't be the case... or Noda will save the best scenes for the volume version because sometimes Noda is like that.

Long story short, I've no idea what will be of Ogata beyond that I think that Noda won't kill him and that he has been building him up to have him face 'the ghosts of his pasts' and it's possible he's meant to do it while facing Asirpa but I think we should prepare ourselves for an interesting ride because Noda so far still seems to have plans for him.

We'll see... thank you all for your asks and sorry if I put them together!

[tundrainafrica]

Hi! I wanted to request a story where Hange asks Onyankopon to look out for Levi in case something happens to her and to not leave him alone, even after he recovers from his injuries 😭❤️. I love the way you write both Levi and Hange without being self-indulgent and I thought of asking you this, but only if you have the time to write. I know you’re currently working on other Levihan stories and you also have your own personal life and I don’t want to impose on you, so whenever you feel like it. I just wanted to share this idea with you.

Title: Coast Lights

Summary:  

"Once or twice a year----or sometimes even less frequently than that, the moonlight would kiss the coast in a way that only the ocean would understand.

At the mercy of that breathtaking view, Levi let out a strange sound, a mix between a crack and a ragged breath. Then he spoke up. 'I can’t help but think, Hange would have liked to see this.'"

After the war, Levi still thought about Hange and maybe Hange still thought about him too.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes: I have been meaning to write a post 139 fic for a long time and this prompt just took the cake anon, thank you so much for sharing and also for your kind words. Sorry it took a while, this prompt meant a lot to me and I wanted to be in the right mood when I wrote it. 

As always, feedback is very much appreciated :D

Once or twice a year----or sometimes even less frequently than that, the moonlight would kiss the coast in a way that only the ocean would understand.

Sometimes, the moon and the stars cooperated. Sometimes they created their own luminescent paths along the black of the sky. Some lights would fall to the ground in streams. Then by coincidence or maybe by fate, the streams of light would dance amongst the glowing blue, making yellows and reds out of the sand underneath.

Times like those, the beach was chaos, a war of lights, where each source was fighting for the privilege of being seen by even the most casual bystander. Of course they would fight to be seen, that beach, isolated by two imposing cliffs at opposite ends never got too many passers by.

Hange was just one of the lucky witnesses. She was the witness to a beautiful war, one of the only wars maybe that she would have liked to be part of.

She ran to one end, stretching her hand out towards the cliffs, only pulling back when she was millimeters away from touching them. She then spun around and studied the beach, tracing with her eyes, the blue glow that lined the coasts.

Glowing blue jellyfish. She remembered reading about them in one of Armin’s books once.

She wished she could have seen them as a kid. With a little more wonder and with a little more innocence, maybe she could have thought they were magic. Maybe she could have believed miracles were real.

She had spent her earlier years trapped within the walls. Then her later years outside the walls but ironically, trapped by duty and obligation.

Now you’re free. She told herself, a feeble attempt to propel herself forward. Freer than ever. That one reminder proved more melancholic than happy.

She had fought for freedom her whole life. At that moment, she was blessed with the ultimate freedom and she felt guilty for not celebrating, even just a bit.

But it wasn’t the type of freedom most people would ask for. Of course she wouldn’t be completely jubilant about it.

Beggars can’t be choosers. That was the saying that echoed inside her.

Hange modified it into something more relatable.

Soldiers can’t be choosers. Soon after, she brushed away before it grew to anything worse.

She stretched again then ran forward, careful not to jostle the blue jellyfish that had settled at the coast. Then she laughed when she realized it wouldn’t matter.

Although she had grown accustomed to the lightness, to the disconnect over time, sometimes the old habits presented themselves in bouts of an ingrained respect for nature, in bouts of curiosity and wonder towards the world.

There were parts of the world she had never seen before and she had an eternity to explore.

That was one perk of freedom.

Funnily, she had chosen to tie herself down.

It wasn’t the best decision. Although sometimes, she considered the opportunity cost. When she looked back at the house up on the hill, only accessible through the precarious steps that lined the steep cliff, she remembered, it was an easy enough decision to make.

The world could wait. She could experience the world and its beauties in the next life, then the next life after that.

There was someone she would rather not keep waiting.

She climbed up the steps, only held together by ropes. When it was anyone else climbing, they would wobble, they would swing from left to right. For Hange, and Hange alone, they stayed still, made the climb all the easier and Hange was up before she even counted eighty steps.

The field was easy to run through. Maybe because as the house got nearer, she only ran faster. And she knew that if she scurried to the right of the porch, there would be a wide window and he would be there, sitting like he always was.

He didn’t greet her. Too engrossed in his book maybe?

Hange knew there was a more obvious answer to that.

She entered through the window and that time, she didn’t bother to pretend she was still at the mercy of natural laws. Even after months, it was surreal but when she imagined the mustiness by just the state of the dim room, she allowed herself to be pulled back to the world, even just by her imagination.

Levi’s reaction to her entrance though was a glaring reminder that it was only imagination.

Hange still liked to make conversation. “What are you reading this time?”

He didn’t reply.

She wasn’t bound by natural laws, nor was she bound by social laws. So she stood behind him, bent her head forward and read over his shoulder.

Simple prose, unknown characters, not recommended to start a story mid novel. The words blurred together quickly and Hange decided that it wasn’t worth her time to read through. Instead, she focused on his side profile and she traced the scar on his right eye. It was almost fully healed, save for the raw pink and the unseeing eye underneath.

“We could have been matching,” she said. Really, she probably would have gotten rid of the eyepatch if she knew he wouldn’t have bothered even getting one.

She didn’t know how long she was staring, how long she was following his eyes as they skimmed over lines. Restlessness had settled with the rhythm and the predictability of the small details.

Restlessness would settle but it would never die out. Hange was constantly impatient, she was constantly bored.

His concentrated face though and just the little details that composed him were enough to make time tick for her, albeit slowly.

When reading, his eyes would dart from left to right, sometimes his lips would move as a small and subtle movement. When he looked up, then behind him, Hange jumped.

Did he see me?

Surprise then bliss came and went in a split second. No, he didn’t, there had been someone else at the door.

“Levi, it’s late. You should go to bed,” Onyankopon said.

Hange begrudgingly sank back towards the corner of the room.

“I’m fine. I never slept more than three hours a night back---”

“Back in the military right?” Onyankopon interrupted. Then, he sighed. “You’re not as strong as you were before. Besides, there’s not much of war you’ll need to fight anyway, it’s best you use this time to recover.”

Levi didn’t reply. Instead he dog eared the book, closed it and dropped it on the side table. A sign for Onyankopon to go ahead, wheel him back to his bedroom.

Hange followed behind. In Levi’s bedroom, she stood a foot away and watched as Onyankopon methodically went through the process of pulling out his pajamas and dropping it on the bed then he helped Levi out of the wheelchair, gently propping him on the bed. He left the room long enough for Levi to undress.

Hange had some decency to turn her back. A naughty part of her had her settling on the bed, just for some hint of an illusion that maybe in another life they could have----.

Before she could even say it, she let out a hushed laugh. Then something louder when she realized, he probably wouldn’t hear it anyway.

The door creaked open again. “Levi, are you okay? You want anything?”

“Nothing.” Levi’s voice was muffled, his back facing the door.

“It’s a nice night outside. If you get bored, just look at the window, maybe it’ll help you sleep.”

Or maybe it could do the complete opposite. For Hange, there were more than enough constellations to trace, paths to put her thumb over. She wished she could warn him that he might not even sleep if he got lost in them. Then she remembered Levi didn’t sleep much anyway. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference.

Onyankopon let out a sigh, muttering something about a walk.

That had been more than enough to incite Hange’s curiosity. She followed again behind him. Levi was still far from healed. He probably wouldn’t be moving anytime soon anyway so maybe she could leave him, just for a moment.

After all, how many nights a year did the moonlight kiss the ocean? How many times did it take advantage of that opportunity when the coast was lined with a glowing blue? How many nights a year was the glowing blue bright enough to kiss back?

And Onyankopon had seen it too. Maybe he noticed how the night sky was a lighter blue than usual, and he saw how the streams fell deeper than the view the cliff allowed. He walked slowly at first, then he started to jog forward.

Hange did not need to make much of an effort to keep close behind. When he stepped onto the wobbly staircase, Hange was careful to pull back. She was light, most likely weightless but she didn’t want to take the risk.

So she jumped off the cliff.

Even the force of gravity didn’t demand to be felt. The pulling sensation at her gut, familiar from years working in ODM gear, was absent. Ruefully she noted, she probably would never feel it again. At the least, she got to enjoy the free fall with little to no pain at all. Whether she had landed on her ass, or her own two feet, she was in no state to tell.

She was too distracted by the glowing blue though to trifle with such details. She walked ahead, she allowed herself a quick scurry over the blue, down to the shallow waters which glowed with the same neon shades.

There were still streams of light. The moon was large, still high above the sky. And when she was staring straight ahead, counting stars and sketching shoddy drawings in the sky, she didn’t notice it or consider those two points in particular.

Something came as a hush. Then louder. “Hange?”

Hange spun around, looking back at the light blue by the coast. Just behind the rows of jellyfish was Onyankopon, his face pallid. His eyes and his mouth were both larger than what Hange had ever gotten used to, as if he had seen a ghost.

“I’m here!” Surprise or maybe desperation had her saying those words to the loudest of her abilities. She could never tell how far her voice travelled anymore, since it didn’t echo. It didn't tussle with the other sounds for its own place among them.

That time was no different. As soon as it came out of her mouth, she didn’t hope. Instead she walked back to the shore, plopped on the ground and sighed.

“God, I’m probably going crazy.” Onyankopon put a hand to his forehead and shook his head. “I should go to sleep.” His voice was tighter and Hange could have sworn she heard a crack. She didn’t even think that voices could experience wear and tear until then.

Seconds after that, Onyankopon made the trek back to the house.

Hange stayed behind. She lay back down on the sand, a bag of disappointment. An air of disappointment. A nothingness of disappointment.

When she was nothing, she was free but somehow, staring up at the sky, she realized, maybe she would have given up her freedom for just a little more time.

***

“Do you believe in ghosts?”

Falco brought it up hesitantly over lunch. Even with his experience in the war, he was surprisingly still meek, easily rattled.

“Why are you asking about ghosts?” Gabi asked as she pierced another potato with her fork, so forcefully that it almost made Hange jump.

“Well at night… maybe even really early in the morning… Sometimes I hear the creaks of the floorboard coming from Levi’s room,” Falco said. He turned to Levi questioningly. “Did you ever hear anything?”

“I’m usually asleep.” Levi shrugged as he clumsily guided another spoonful of soup to his mouth. Learning to eat with his left hand was slow going but everyday, he was making some progress.

“Does anyone else hear it?” Falco’s eyes darted, alternating between the two other faces.

“This is an old house,” Gabi said.

“But why Levi’s room… there shouldn’t be… Levi can’t even walk right?” Falco argued.

“You read too many ghost stories…” Gabi’s tone was unchanging.

“What if it is a ghost?” Onyankopon dropped his own spoon and leaned back on his seat.

Gabi’s jaw dropped. “Don’t tell me you believe him?”

“You know, I took a walk along the coast last night.” Onyankopon pointed towards the window, tracing a line with his pointer finger for emphasis. “And I thought I saw someone there.”

“Maybe it was a trick of the light,” Gabi suggested. “There are jellyfish down there at this time of year right? And there were lots of stars last night…” Her words deteriorated to unintelligible babbling and Hange almost suspected she was a little more scared than Falco was.

Onyankopon shook his head. “It looked like a person.

Gabi’s hand was halfway to her mouth before she dropped it back on the plate. “It’s a trick of the light.”

“You know, in my culture, we believe ghosts exist. Ghosts of our ancestors, our friends, they all watch over us,” Onyankopon said, his voice light. “Or that is what my grandmother used to teach me. And if you don’t believe in them… You’re insulting them… And they might just come to haunt you!” He had said that last part loudly, a stark contrast from the overall volume of the conversation. It had seemed scary at first, before settling as something more playful.

Hange snorted.

Gabi didn’t see the play in it, she screamed, jumping up. “Maybe we really should get out of here. I wanna go back to Marley…” She buried her head in her hands. Her breaths came slow and deep, sometimes in heaves and exhales.

Exasperated or terrified. Before Hange could even make sense of it, Gabi quickly sat up.

Levi spoke up, his calm voice caught the attention of the room. “Even if there is a ghost here, even if there’s one in my room…” He worked his way slowly through those words.

Falco interrupted. “Aren’t you scared?”

Levi shook his head. “No, I feel more comforted than scared.”

“Why?” Falco asked. He moved to the seat next to a seemingly shaken Gabi.

Levi was playing with his food then and it looked as if he had no intention of putting it in his mouth. He hummed for a second longer.

“I’ve seen a lot of death in my life,” he started. “Even after my friends die, I worry about them. I wonder what happens to them after…If they see darkness or if they really just stop…maybe they don't even know what darkness is anymore.” He paused and took a deep breath. “But if ghosts exist at least I’m reassured, when people die, they don’t just… stop existing. It’s a reminder that maybe even after death, it’s not just nothing. There’s something after...” Levi could have said something more, but he didn’t and soon the anticipation died down to dead air.

After a brief silence, conversation shifted to plans after Levi’s recovery, Gabi and Falco’s plans when they grow a little older.

Levi kept quiet, instead focusing on getting the food into his mouth and Hange couldn’t help but note, he was eating much faster. Somehow, he had managed to chew with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

***

The conversation had proved to be informative. Hange only needed her sharpened deduction skills to make use of it.

She held her working hypotheses like a charm.

Hypothesis one: She was in one world and they were in another one

Hypothesis two: Sometimes, the lines would blur.

And Hange just had to listen more closely, she just had to feel it more carefully.

Over time, she had attributed sensations, feelings as things exclusive to the rest of the world, the living and the tangible. At three in the morning, she willed herself to focus on the silence, taking stock of the characteristic something-ness of her surroundings and the characteristic nothingness of her actions as she leaned on the door of Levi’s room.

Levi was unmoving on the bed and he was a good beacon, a sight to focus on. She moved forward slowly. If she closed her eyes and willed it, she had feet, she could move forward in slow and careful steps.

One step. Then two steps. Around the third step, the floors creaked. Then the rustle of sheets filled the room then a long groan.

Those last few movements weren't her doing. Despite his injuries, Levi had quickly pushed himself to a sitting position. Even in the darkness, the wince was very visible and Hange dropped her little experiment, rushing forward towards the bed.

He didn’t feel her hands on her shoulders, he didn’t grip when she slipped her hand under his. When she looked into his eyes, she saw they were far from blank. He was looking down at the floorboards, and it looked like he was searching for something.

He continued to stare.

Hange counted a few more seconds, then a minute.“Are floorboards really that interesting?” She asked with a laugh.

He didn’t answer.

Maybe Hange could have walked back to the doorway, then made the path back to the bed again, just to let the floorboards creak one last time. She made herself comfortable though, working for a semblance of a tingle as she lay on the bed next to Levi.

She felt a pang of regret when Levi let out a shuddered breath and fell back on the bed. She had known him long enough to read disappointment.

Then she didn’t have to read him anymore, he spoke up in silence. “If you’re the ghost, you’re free to haunt me all you want. Make the floors creak as loud as you want.”

Hange though, was done for the night. Instead, she slipped her hand much further under his. It could have been her own imagination or it could have been something more.

She didn’t have enough emotion to spare to ponder all those at once. So she squeezed hard again and concluded for herself that maybe he could have felt it too.

***

The line between her world and his was a fickle thing. In time, with the right experiments, sufficient awareness of her own surroundings, patterns showed themselves and Hange was quick to pick them out.

There were times she had wanted to cry. Guilt, sadness, regret were the first line culprits. Then there was anger, frustration at the tears she couldn’t shed. For someone without a body to hold them, emotions found other ways to channel themselves, to let themselves be known.

There were heavy waves that transformed into whirlpools. They welled inside her, they swirled into every end of her body, sometimes they manifested as tingling sensations at her tips.

When Levi lay in his bed, an alarming white, Hange was sure it was everything at once.

“Pneumonia,” Onyankopon repeated, a simple enough explanation for Gabi and Falco who had hesitantly settled in the room.

Onyankopon continued. “He might have to stay overnight at the hospital. I called some help to get him transported to the nearest town.”

“Nothing they can fix here?” Falco asked.

Onyankopon shook his head. He didn’t say anything more. He was silent when help came and when the paramedics carried Levi like he was a starved child. Hange only noticed, when it had taken only one burly man to carry Levi to the ambulance, that Levi was small, very small.

Then another whirlpool of emotions took over. Anger? Pity? Regret? They were incomprehensible but they were enough to have Hange rushing behind them.

The town hospital was busier than she had expected. Her senses were suddenly heightened, maybe because it wasn’t just her world anymore. When she closed her eyes, when she let herself feel the bristle at her tips, she felt the presence of other companions. She wasn’t alone. If she called out, maybe someone would come.

Her focus was on Levi and as much as possible, she didn’t spend too much time along the hallways. She rushed into his room, behind the doctor, slipping herself through the crack of the door.

“He just has to make it through the night.” The doctor’s words were cold, firm. For a second, Hange wondered how he had managed to reach that age, making a living off of aiding patients when he had the bedside manners of a brick. “It says here he was caught in an explosion a year back, did a number on his organs.”

The smoke, the fire, maybe that was the reason, his lungs were weaker. Hange quickly deduced.

That wasn’t an excuse to die.

For a second, Hange even entertained the possibility, if he died, maybe he would see her. They could talk, catch up, hold each other. She shook those thoughts away, letting the guilt fall with it and she jumped onto the bed, next to him. “Come on, you can’t die here, You didn’t survive a decade long war just to die of pneumonia.” She let out a laugh, she timed her own breaths to the sound of the beeping of the machine, to the whoosh of the ventilator.

And she pressed herself closer to him. He was still breathing, still moving just slightly. A sign of life maybe. And the closer she went, the more she realized, she could pretend it tickled her ears.

“Fight,” she whispered.

Levi opened his eyes, turned to his side. A glimmer of hope for a second, as Hange pondered if he had seen her.

“Levi, rest.” Onyankopon was behind her again, having settled on the chair by the bedside.

Disappointed, Hange rolled out of the bed and back to the floor. The world was suddenly heavy. Whether it was their world, or hers, or both, she didn’t think too hard to tell. But she could release it somehow.

She played pretend again. She saw the side table, a bottle of water, a packet of pills and she swept over it in one violent movement.

For a second she felt hard plastic, the rough paper at her tips. Then nothing.

Everything scattered to the ground, in some chaotic order. Calm again, Hange bent down to pick it up, only to find out she didn’t feel anything again, even as she hovered closely over them.

They weren’t hers to touch anymore.

In some act of obligation or maybe act of support, Onyankopon appeared next to her. He bent down, picked up the bottle on one hand, the packet on the other then placed them back on the side table.

Then he broke the heavy silence. “Hange, if that’s you… We’re trying our best.”

When Onyankopon left for the night, it was just her and Levi in the room. Sometimes, the occasional nurse would pop in but not for long enough for Hange to have to gather herself.

She let the emotions out again, not as bursts but as streams. She found, if she gave it more than enough time to come out, they didn’t riot. They complied with limits, they acted with civility.

There was a pen on the side table, and on the wall next to Levi’s bed, there was a chart. There were numbers Hange could make sense of if she tried hard enough.

At that point, her goals were different, so she ignored it. She hovered her hand over the pouch next to it. She had managed to connect two fingers together, she just needed to do similarly with a pen in between them.

For just a second, she was successful.

But only for just a second.

The pen fell to the ground with a clatter. Hange decided it wasn’t worth it to bend over. Maybe because she theorized, if she did, she might not be able to stand up again. She stared once again at the white board. Wet hot tears welled inside her, wet hot tears that would never meet the light of day.

Hange stretched her hand out. She saw two fingers, then five as she opened up her fist, a fist she didn’t even know she had. She propped one finger nail on the board, digging it deep into the wood.

Her grip on the world was consistent enough at least that she could manage one rough and dotted line. So she traced it again and again, until the dots were completely carved over. That one straight line turned into another.

It turned out to be an unsettling sensation. The whiteboard made an ugly whittling sound, it danced even against her shaky touch. The few times their worlds connected, she felt a stinging phantom pain at her tips.

There was nothing to feel pain for her. There were no nails to break, no fingertips that could bleed. There was no living entity to take the consequences of leaving a shoddily covered sign on the whiteboard. Besides, it was small enough anyway, that anyone could easily brush it off.

Then she wondered if Levi would see it. Maybe he wouldn’t. At that point, she was too far gone, so she finished the message then allowed herself one last peek of Levi’s sleeping face. She sluggishly made her way to the corner of the room, lowered her body back down and closed her eyes.

It would be a long night.

***

By some miracle, Levi recovered quickly.

By the next morning, they removed some of the tubes. By evening, he could sit up, even for just a bit.

Hange had made enough of an effort to last even her afterlife. She was exhausted. Maybe dispirited was the right word? But it was a strange feeling that made the days move faster. She did not have much control over speed, over thought.

Even when visitors had come one after the other, even when Levi had attempted to sit up, she couldn’t bring herself to rush beside him. He was there though, he was alive and that had been good enough.

The next evening, a nurse finally pointed it out. “Someone wrote on the chart.”

“Did you coordinate the other nurses?” Onyankopon asked.

The nurse shook her head. “Not write… Carve. There’s a message here, carved on the edge of the board.” She undid it from its place on the bed and gently placed it on the side table. “Did any of your visitors do this?”

“So far, only Gabi, Falco and I have visited…” Onyankopon trailed off.

“Do you recognize the handwriting?” The nurse slid the board to a better angle, easier for Levi to crane his neck and take a look.

“It’s hard to tell…It looks like it was carved on the board with a fingernail...” Onyankopon said. “Levi, do you?”

“No.” he said it too easily.

Hange held herself closer. A part of her wanted the corner to swallow her whole.

The nurse shook her head. “Maybe we just didn’t notice it before. Could have been from another patient…” She muttered about other theories Hange didn’t bother to mule over.

Soon the nurse was out the door anyway and it was just Onyankopon and Levi in the room.

Levi spoke up. “Onyankopon… What if I told you, it looks like her handwriting?” His voice was weak. For Hange, it was strong enough to turn complete desolation to a glimmer of hope.

“If you think it’s her handwriting. I don’t see why we can’t stick with that assumption.”

Levi leaned back on the bed. “Well, it’s nice words to live by, especially if it came from her.”

Onyankopon nodded. “It is.” Then he slid his fingers over the wooden frame. “Live on.”

“Live on, Levi,” Hange whispered. To hell if those words even touched the still air of the room.

***

Hange became obsessed with noise. Many types of noise: The creak of the floorboards at her feet, the bump on the walls, the thump when items swayed with just a shrivel of wind.

The more she let emotions take over, the more things went bump and she started to realize it was an exhausting ordeal. Sometimes, the natural laws didn’t listen. Sometimes her hands didn’t connect with surfaces, sometimes hands permeated through solids.

Disheartened, Hange stood by the side of the kitchen a day after Levi was released by the hospital. He had retired to his bedroom as soon as they arrived home.

It was Onyankopon, Falco and Gabi gathered on the table. Hange took one of the empty seats, pretending that she was very much in need of the same comforts as everyone else.

“Have you ever gone down to the beach?” Onyankopon asked. It was an odd opening statement but as soon as Hange scanned the faces, noting the sullen mood. She realized there were only too many things one can say to even attempt to lighten it.

“A few times,” Gabi answered.

“But not at night right? At this time of the year?” Onyankopon asked. “Sometimes, the jellyfish would get washed up on shore and when they glow… it’s a beautiful sight.”

It has been a year since the last time Hange walked along the edge.

“What do you think?” Onyankopon asked. “We could go down, just long enough to cheer you two up.”

“We’re not sad,” Falco said, an uncomfortable grin on his face. “We’re just worried.”

“I’d rather you didn’t waste your time on that. Levi’s gonna be fine. Besides, we’ve lived here for more than a year already, it’s unbelievable to me that you haven’t seen it.”

It didn’t take much prodding after. The three made the trek all the way down from the cliff, they took to the staircase with prudence. Hange took the short more dangerous way, making the fifty feet drop down to the coast.

The blue jellyfish were there again, like they were every single other time. Onyakopon had been taking more walks, Hange had to note. Maybe that was how he had figured it out.

Eventually, they were all lined up at the coast, their expressions all showed different levels of wonder.

“I told you right? I saw someone the last time I was here,” Onyakopon started.

Gaby held herself close and Falco stepped forward, nearer to the shores.

Surprisingly, Falco had done the braver thing. “Who did you see?” He asked.

Onyankopon shook his head. “It could have been a trick of light. But you know, if you ask for a name…" He paused for a second, seeming deep in thought. "I could have sworn it was Commander Hange Zoe.”

Commander Hange Zoe.

In a world where she was a nothing, constantly floating amongst shifting lights and shifting darks, her name said aloud by someone other than herself, was a strong grip. Long ago, she was alive. Long ago, she existed. And maybe even after that, she continued to exist. If that limbo she found herself in, counted as existing.

It did count as existing. She was still very much Hange Zoe.

Realization was a burst of energy. Something that had her running forward again, just like a year ago, through the glowing blue, through the shallow salt waters that should have tickled at her shin.

It was like that scene last year again, with just two extra visitors.

“Did you see that?” Falco asked.

“See what?” Gabi asked.

Falco shook his head. “It could have been a trick of the light… But there was someone there in a green---”

“In a green cloak, then the wings of freedom?” Onyakopon said, a good guide for the two young kids.

Falco nodded. “The wings of freedom… The blue and white symbol right?”

“That was the symbol of the survey corps," Onyankopon explained.

Falco hummed. “If I’m not the only one who saw it… That means…” He still seemed unsure of his own conjecture.

And it turned out Gabi wasn’t in any hurry to help. “Ghosts don’t exist! Let’s go back upstairs.”

***

Some people saw it, some people didn’t. Hange only had to look back at her own experiences with ghosts to stumble upon the conclusion.

There were believers. There were zealots. There were warriors. There were scaredy cats, even among the battle hardened soldiers.

Over the years, it was a lingering belief, a passing one. When it became her whole life though, she decided to give it more than just a passing thought. Onyankopon could see with the right combinations of lights and Falco had proved the same.

When there were only four people in that house, barring the occasional visitor, It was only natural that her thoughts would fly to Levi. He was the only one after all among the four, who hadn’t witnessed the lights show for himself.

Timing though was a tricky thing. After all, the lights only came together once a year. If they were lucky, twice. If they were unlucky, none at all for that season. And Levi was in no position to walk, let alone climb down such a dangerous set of stairs.

A part of her would rather he never did anyway. He might even die just making the trip to the beach.

Live on. She held those words like a charm, as she sat by his bed, silently watching his sleeping face.

Even if ‘living on’ only composed of long days locked in the bedroom, of long hours in the reading room turning pages of books. After all, there was something beautiful about the small yet noticeable changes. The way Levi was sleeping more, yet waking up earlier.

He was turning pages faster. Sometimes Hange heard the rustles more incessant, loud sounds crammed into a second and she thought to herself, how it would have been nice to feel the rough paper on her skin again.

Onyankopon probably held the same thought. He never told Levi that he had seen a silhouette of Hange down at the beach. Hange could have sworn she had heard their hushed conversation about it, at three in the morning.

Would Levi have gone down if he knew?

Maybe he would have. No, Hange was sure she he would have. After all, he continued to look for her.

Hange still made the floors creak. Sometimes, they came as a high chirp, sometimes a low rumble. Still, every single one, had been enough to have Levi stirring, turning on his side, just to get a good look at the floor, the very boring wooden floor.

Sometimes, he would sit up on bed, still staring expectantly at the wooden floor underneath.

When Hange thought it important that Levi got some rest, she minimized it. Instead, forcing herself to stay calm as she lay next to him on the bedside.

And she learned overtime, at their calmest, at their most relaxed, spirits were very much invisible, maybe even dead to the world.

Dead enough to forget her own name? For a second there, she almost forgot who she was.

***

Time passed, by some miracle, Levi’s world got a little bigger. There was no prodding, no pressure to get better. It was only Levi’s pride that had him leaning on the side table, foregoing the wheel chair for slow painstaking steps.

Stairs were still a mind game, still a circle of hell for him but he had learned to let the bannisters do their work. If he held on tightly enough, shifting all the weight to his good leg, he could get down in time.

Many times, Hange had to stop herself and force herself to stand idly by. For a while, she had been almost envious of the bannister for having the right facilities to support him.

Once again, envy had her remembering, she was nothing but a ball of memories, a ball of emotions, only held together by faith and beliefs every year. It was the work of the concrete and the tangible, to keep Levi up.

Falco and Onyankopon still went down to the beach every single year. Sometimes, they called her by name, sending another wave of energy through her, letting the memories rush through her at once.

She was still Hange Zoe. She would always be Hange Zoe. In the next life, maybe in the life after that. That was what had her going, sitting by Levi’s bed every night. As long as she kept a tight grip on memories, they were still very much there.

Years passed in a very conspicuous way when there were two kids in the house.

Within years, Falco shot up. Suddenly, he was strong enough to carry Levi down the stairs on bad days. Gabi was getting taller as well, Soon, her head barely brushed Onyankopon’s ear.

It wasn’t just the people that changed though. Although that had been enough for Hange to realize, time was passing. There were other things that came abruptly.

Like an eviction notice.

“We’re gonna have to move,” Onyakopon said over lunch one day. He slapped the document on the table, and shook his head.

Of course, they couldn’t stay there forever. It wasn’t their land. They were merely paying rent, at the mercy of a landlord.

“Wait, why?”

“They wanna reclaim the land, turn it into a small port,” Onyankopon explained with a shrug.

“Wait, reclaim the land… You mean?” It was Falco who first put two and two together.

“The beach?” Gabi added.

“They’ll put more sound and soil over the water, build a street over it,” Onyankopon said.

“The jellyfish?” Falco asked.

“They’ll have to find another place to live?” Onyankopon seemed noticeably sad for a bunch of jellyfish.

“It’s not just tha--” Falco’s eyes were wide with horror. He turned to Levi before settling on the plate in front of him. “How long do we have?”

Onyankopon turned the paper around then put his finger on the first line on the upper right. “A month.”

For one season a year, the jellyfish would line the coast.

By some coincidence, or maybe by fate, it was already that season and if they were lucky, maybe they could catch it one more time in between packing things and cleaning the house.

Hange decided, she would rather it was coincidence than fate. Fate had already proven multiple times to have a cruel hand.

“You wanna go down to the beach? One time before we leave? It’s beautiful out there,” Onyakopon brought up the question while Levi had been putting away books from the shelf, throwing them into boxes.

“What does the beach have that I can’t imagine here?” Levi asked.

Maybe if Hange had a voice, she could have explained it. The way the lights mixed amongst each other, creating colors no one would have ever believed to have existed. If she was there, that would have worked. Even if the words didn’t work, if she had hands, if she had control over the tangible, she would have pulled him with one hand. Hell, she would have carried him herself.

Onyankopon had his own experiences, his own words. They turned out to be just as effective. “Hange.”

Levi looked back, his eyes wide. He didn’t respond. Maybe he had been too preoccupied with the shaking of his hands, uncontrollable shaking that ended with one heavy book splayed on the floor.

Onyankopon rushed to pick it up. “It’s beautiful down there. The jellyfish rest near the shores before they migrate elsewhere. They glow at night and the stairs look beautiful behind it. Sometimes, it’s enough to forget reality.”

Levi dropped his shoulders. “If they’re gonna reclaim the land, maybe it would be worth it to see it one last time.”

Onyankonpon sighed. “I’m gonna have to warn you, the trek is hard.”

“I think I’ve recovered enough for a small walk.”

***

A small walk was a very dangerous understatement. Levi lived on understatements though.

Hange just wanted to make sure, that understatement wouldn’t have been enough to kill him.

So she didn’t jump down. She crouched down over the cliff and watched as he descended the first steps. When she found herself having to bend over further just for a horrible and awkward angle, she decided to just take the drop and watch from the beach.

It took approximately fifteen minutes to get him down and Hange counted three times where she had ended up letting out a half scream before Falco or Onyakonpon had pulled him back at the last minute.

That one last almost-fall had been the scariest. Maybe because for that split second, Levi’s jaw dropped, his eyes widened. He seemed to have lost control of himself in that second.

Hange understood though just why he had seemed uncharacteristically disconcerted. It was in the glowing blue reflected in his eyes.

“If we show this to the landlord, do you think he’ll spare it?” Falco asked. It was a pathetic question and both a yes or a no wouldn’t have sufficed.

Levi sat back down on the sand in three stilted movements. “They don’t listen to anything but money,” he answered softly. The venom in his voice hinted that he could have said more.

“Let’s just treat this as the last time,” Onyakopon said.

Hange gripped time again and counted backwards. Five years.

Five years since Onyankopon had first seen her. Then the next year it had been the three of them. Then the remaining years it had been Falco and Onyankopon visiting.

Five times was enough though to get attached, especially when the view was strange enough to take someone’s breath away.

And it would be the last time they could appreciate that view. Hange wasn’t too surprised when she heard ragged breaths and soft sniffles behind her.

“We’ll just have to look for another one,” Falco shrugged.

“But do you think we’ll ever find one that shines the same way?” Gabi asked.

“Maybe,” Levi said.

“You know Levi, if you stare at it long enough, you might just see ghosts.” Onyankopon added playfully, close enough to Levi that it could have been just for him.

“I’d love to see a ghost,” Levi said, barely a whisper.

Hange had been close enough to hear it. She saw that as a cue to step forward, lightly over the sea of jellyfish. When she looked down, the water didn’t ripple. She hovered over it like a spirit, like air, like a trick of the light.

Onyankopon and Falco’s own belief had already convinced her long before, that with that exact way that the lights from the sky and the lights from the shores cooperated, the line between the two worlds blurred.

And there were just certain people, who could distinguish others as more than a trick of the light.

For how long would they see it? She never thought deep enough to find out so she didn’t know. If she could get a message across, it couldn’t hurt to try.

Maybe that would be the last place she could ever be visible. How many beaches shone with the same glowing blue? How many skys still glimmered with a clear view of the stars above?

More importantly, even if other places existed, were they so easily found? Especially when the three were constantly on the run from angry soldiers around the world.

Hange looked back, to see that Onyankopon and Falco had focused on her again, their mouths completely agape.

“Do you see her?” Onyankopon managed to ask, after one deep breath.

“See what?” Levi asked.

And with that question, disappointment blanketed the air of wonder.

“She’s glowing, green, brown, red just like when she died. Then a burning blue.”

Levi didn’t answer. His eyes seemed blank. They darted from each corner for a second before looking ahead then they narrowed. His lips trembled with what Hange could guess was frustration.

“And she’s smiling,” Onyankopon said.

Hange had to admit, she had let the warmth of the moment take over.

“A sad smile,” Falco continued.

Hange had to admit, she gave some of that disappointment free reign inside her.

“All I see is light,” Levi said.

“You get it!” Gabi put her hands up. “I thought I was the only one just seeing late. They made me think I was crazy for seeing nothing.”

Hange shook her head before she turned back to Onyankopon and Falco. The two were still staring.They wouldn’t hear her, Hange had tried too many times before.

But maybe if she mouthed something, they would get it. She didn’t let a silent sound escape her lips. At the same time, she made sure to enunciate every syllable.

“Did you catch that?” Falco asked.

Onyankopon only nodded. “Maybe I did.”

Hange blithely made her way back to the shore and bent over next to Levi. The sand didn’t crunch as she fell back on it. Over time they stopped making even the slightest sounds and she realized, maybe she didn’t mind being nothing.

“This might be the last time we're going to see something like this. Enjoy it,” Onyankopon said.

“I am,” Levi said.

“Take all the time you need.”

For a while they were silent. For how long? Hange didn’t bother to count anymore. Maybe it was the better choice to just let time flow in some incomprehensible way. After all, time was a concept exclusive to the living.

Levi let out a strange sound, a mix between a crack and a ragged breath. Then he spoke up. “I can’t help but think, Hange would have liked to see this.”

Onyankopon’s response came out seeming unrehearsed. “She likes it. I’m sure she does.”

“You think she got to see it?”

I got to see it every single time Levi. Hange decided, thinking it was enough.

“She was walking through it,” Onyankopon said. “Right Falco?”

Falco nodded lightly. “She was.” He had always been a genuine person and maybe that was why Levi had swallowed it so quickly, even if it could have seemed like a lie at first.

“What did she say?” Gabi asked.

Levi didn’t verbalize it. In fact, he seemed to have been asking the same question.

It was Onyankopon’s question to answer and he approached it like a painter muling over his first piece. “‘Take care of Levi.’ She told me to take care of you.”

[self-growth-for-the-soul]

What is your life about? Your time is precious; use it wisely.

In today's society of social media likes, posts, and entertainment, it can be easy for anyone to get lost in what life is indeed about, especially our youth. Anyone can get lost in the mirage of social media news and drama by posting about it or being hypnotized by it for years. Before we know it, another year has passed, and we are still stuck in the same job or toxic relationship and complaining daily about how much life sucks. In reality, we are wasting precious time that we could be doing something about whatever cause we feel strongly about or living out our own life.

It's not easy to confess how much time we all spend on social media addicted to the likes and life of drama or the good life of others. I mean, who wants to admit that they spent precious time admiring or complaining about what is happening outside of them in life. Well, I'll be honest and say I am guilty of it but am working towards managing my social media participation choices.

Of course, it's nice seeing friends and family and quickly finding out what is happening worldwide with a click or swipe, right? But as a teacher of middle school kids who I constantly have to remind to put away their phones or turn off their computers during class, I'm sure they, like us adults, have fallen prey to what life could be about.

I recently saw a documentary on Netflix called "The Social Dilemma," which tells us that many tech companies succeed by capturing as much of our attention as possible and then selling that attention to the highest bidders. As the saying goes, "If you're not paying for the product, you are the product." The film surprised me, and I highly recommend it because it will make you more mindful of how much we automatically pick up our devices daily just out of boredom and habit. There is nothing wrong with staying glued to our phones most days, clicking and swiping away, depending on who you ask. Or is there?

After watching the film and learning that the very people who created some of the most popular apps like Facebook, Instagram, and Tik Tok don't allow their kids to use any device was surprising. Likewise, many of the developers and employees of the biggest brands in the tech world have quit their job because they admit that the primary goal of the tech companies is to keep us glued to our devices. They also acknowledge that they have trouble daily disconnecting from their devices to see life for what it truly is about at any given moment. The mental health damage it may be causing in our society or our lives are not in the tech company's rearview mirror either. For them, all is well.

All this information has led me to ask, what is your life about? Are you filling your time with a bunch of clicks, swipes, and likes most of the time. Or have you reached a point that spending so much time on your device feels like a terrible hangover or a film that you just watched for two hours and was so bad that you wish you could get that time back?

Of course, non of us will ideally be able to manage our time on our devices because we get a lot of good done with them. However, the goal is that we should work towards daily becoming more mindful of what we are spending our greatest asset on, which is our time. We can use the time for more significant and purposeful advancement in living our best lives.

For these reasons and more, begin to realign your energy with your passions, no matter what they may be. Only you know what gives you a daily energy boost when a thought or idea may come, but you somehow decide not to take action because of the many distractions on our screens. Whether that passion is to write, exercise, create, sing, dance, or whatever, do it. Even if you sing in the shower today, your love for singing becomes real, and who knows what can come next time? Maybe you'll write a song.

We must realize that our time is precious and that giving it away for useless ads and instant gratification entertainment should not be an option. The more time we spend learning, experiencing, growing, and becoming better than we were yesterday, the more confident and assertive we will feel about actually doing something more productive with our time. Instead of falling prey to the social screens that lead to mentalities of comparing, judging, wishing, irrational thinking, or feeling guilty, we can look at our life and begin to smell the roses and see life for what it can indeed lead us to be.

Understanding that life is about constant growth and change is vital. Look at how these tech companies grow with the attention we are so fascinated in giving them. We, too, are called to grow and not stay stuck in front of our devices with the same mentalities. Just like nature grows and develops, we also must be growing. Remember that we all have a choice in life to do and become who we'd genuinely like. However, our distraction addiction has held many of us back, which has led to much procrastination.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to sound like a party pooper about our social world today. However, the statics tell the truth, and staying stuck to our devices may promote negative experiences such as inadequacy about your life or appearance. Still, in reality, such negative experiences should not be valid for any of us. Life should never be about competing, comparing, or feeling like we are missing out because, in the end, each person has an individual journey to walk. Sharing our journey through our devices is wonderful, but don't let it become more than just a quick share and quickly get back to your present moment.

Life is not perfect for anyone, despite what our devices display. Life is full of joy, hope, struggles, pain, uncertainty, blessings, and more. However, let us ensure we are experiencing these moments ourselves and not trying to experience them through our devices.

Thus, take some time today to put down your devices and truly see how blessed you are and see if you can take time to learn something new rather than want what others have, or create beautiful moments of your own instead of wanting to be in another moment that is not your own.

In the end, we are all connected even without any devices. We share the same struggles and doing our best to make it in life, so remember that next time you surf the web. Become mindful that we are all doing the best we can to be the best version of ourselves and that you aren't missing out on anything. Begin to use your time wisely and never lose yourself again in the mirage of a device screen if possible.

[cardentist]

this isn’t a proper discourse post, I Agree with a lot of what the op said but there’s specific things about it that get under my skin in a way that makes me want to talk about it, but I don’t want to engage with that post both because I don’t want to speak over the point that’s being made and frankly because I don’t want to be misinterpreted because of the point that’s being made in it.

so for context, I’ll just say that it was a long post about how a lack of engagement with women characters in fandom spaces is tied to misogyny. just be aware that I’m responding to something specific and not criticisms of this in general. (feel free to dm me if you want to see the post for yourself)

the rest of this is going to be rambly and a bit unfocused, so I want to get this out the door right at the top: it is not actually someone’s moral obligation to engage with or create fan content. all other points aside, what this amounts to is labeling people as bigoted for either not creating or engaging with content that you want to see, and while the individual may or may not be a bigot it’s not actually anyone’s job to tailor their fandom experience to cater to you. 

fandom is not activism. it’s not Wrong to point out that a lack of content about women in fandom is likely indicative of the influence of our misogynistic society. and suggesting that people examine their internalized biases isn’t just fine, it’s something that everyone should be doing all the time. but saying that it is literally someone’s “responsibility” to “make an effort” by consuming content about women or they’re bigoted is presenting the consumption of fan content as a moral litmus test that you pass and fail not by how you engage with content but by not engaging with all of the Correct content. 

judging people’s morality based on what characters they read meta for or look at fanart for is, a mistake. it Can Be Indicative of internalized biases but it is not, in and of itself, a moral failing that has to be corrected.

if you want more content to be created about women in fandom then you do it by spreading content about women in fandom, not by guilting people into engaging with it by saying that they’re bigots if they don’t. you encourage creation Through creation.

okay, now to address what Mainly set me off to inspire this post.

this post specifically went out of it’s way to present misogyny as the only answer for why this problem exists in fandom spaces. and while I absolutely agree that it’s a Factor, they left absolutely no room for nuance which included debunking “common excuses.” which, as you can probably guess, contained the things that ticked me off.

first off, you can’t judge that someone is disconnected from women in general based on their fandom consumption because the sum total of their being is not available on tumblr. 

people don’t always bear their souls in fandom spaces. just because they don’t actively post about a character or Characters doesn’t mean that they see them as lesser or that they don’t think about them. the idea that you can tell what a person’s moral beliefs are not based on what they’ve said or done but based on whether they engage with specific characters in a specific way in a specific space can Only work on the assumption that they engage with that space in a way that expresses the entirety of who they are or even their engagement with that specific media.

what I engage with on ao3 is different from what I engage with on tumblr, youtube, twitter, my friend’s dms, and my own head. people are going to engage with social media and fandom spaces specifically differently for different reasons. you can’t assume what the other parts of their lives look like based on this alone. 

second off, there can be other factors at play that influence people’s specific engagement with a fandom.

they specifically brought up the magnus archives as an example of a show with well written women. which while absolutely true, does Not mean that misogyny is the only option for why people wouldn’t engage with content about them as often. for me personally? a lot of fan content is soured because of how it presents jon. I relate to him very heavily as a neurodivergent and traumatized person, and he faces a Lot of victim blaming and dehumanization in the writing. sasha and martin are more or less the only main characters that Aren’t guilty of this, and sasha was out of the picture after season 1.

while this affects my enjoyment of fan content for these characters To Some Extent on it’s own (I love georgie, I love her a lot, but I can’t forget that she looked at someone and told them that they were better off dead because they couldn’t “choose” to not be abused), the bigger issue is fan content that Specifically doesn’t address the victim blaming and ableism as what it is, even presenting it as just Correct. 

this isn’t exclusive to the women in the show by any means, this is exactly why I avoid a lot of content about tim, but it affects a lot of the women who are main characters. that isn’t the Only reason, there’s more casual ableism and things that tear him down for other reasons (the prevalent theory that elias passed up on sasha because he’s afraid of how she’s More Competent In Jon In Every Single way. which comes with the unfortunate implications of jon being responsible for his own trauma because he just wasn’t competent enough to avoid it) but that’s the main one that squicks me out.

of course not all fan content does this, and I Do engage with content about these characters, but sometimes it’s easier to just stick with content that centers on my comfort character because it’s more likely to look at his character with the nuance required to see that it is victim blaming and ableism. 

it’s not enough to say that the characters are well rounded or well written and conclude that if someone isn’t consuming or creating content about them then it has to be due to misogyny and nothing else.

there’s also just like, the Obvious answer. two most prominent characters are two men that are in a canonical gay relationship, which draws in queer men/masc people on it’s own but the centering of their othering and trauma Particularly draws in traumatized queer people that are starved for content. georgie and melanie are both fleshed out characters in and of themselves, but their relationship with each other doesn’t have nearly as much direct screen time. and daisy and basira have a lot more screen time together and about each other, but their relationship is very intentionally non-canon because of its role as a commentary on cop pack mentality.

people are More Likely to create content for the more prominent relationship in the show and be drawn into the fandom through that relationship in the first place. I have no doubt that there Are misogynistic fans of the show, but focusing on the relationship and the characters that make you happy isn’t and indication that you’re one of them.

which brings us to the big one, the one that sparked me into writing this in the first place (and the last that I have time for if I’m being honest). the “common excuses” section in general is, extremely dismissive obviously but there’s only one section that genuinely upsets me. 

without copying and pasting what they said directly, it essentially boils down to this: while they recognize that gay and trans men are “allowed” to relate to men, they’re still Men which makes them misogynistic. Rather than acknowledge Why gay and trans men would engage with fan-content specifically that caters to them they present it as a given that it’s 100% due to misogyny anyways. they present queer men engaging with content about themselves as them treating women like they’re “unworthy of attention,” calling it a “patriarchal tendency” that they have to unlearn.

being gay and trans does not mean that you’re immune to misogyny, being a woman doesn’t even mean that you’re immune to misogyny, but that’s engaging in bad faith in a way that really puts a bad taste in my mouth. 

queer men aren’t just like, Special Men that have Extra Bonus Reasons to be relate to boys, they’re people who are more likely to Need fandom spaces to explore facets of themselves. and while you can Relate to any character, it feels good to be able to explore those aspect with characters that resemble you or how you see yourself.

when I first started actively seeking out fandom spaces in middle school I engaged with content about queer men more or less exclusively. at this point I had no concept of what trans people were, and wouldn’t begin openly considering that I might be a trans person until high school. I knew that I’d be happier as a gay man before I knew I could be a gay man, and that’s affected my relationship with fandom forever. 

I engage with most things pretty casually, reblogging meta and joke posts when I see them, but what I go out of my way to engage with is largely an expression of my gender identity and sexuality. I project myself onto a comfort character and then I Consume content for them because that was how I was able to express myself before I knew that I needed to. it’s not that girl characters aren’t “worthy” of me relating to them, it’s that I specifically go to certain fandom spaces to express and work through my gender and sexuality. that’s what I use those fandom spaces For.

I imagine that I’ll need this crutch less when I’m allowed to transition and if I ever find a relationship situation that works out for me. but also like, why should I? it’s not actually hurting anyone for me to explore my gender and sexuality through fanfic until the end of time. nor does it hurt anyone for me to focus on my comfort characters. 

fandom is personal comfort and entertainment, not a moral obligation. people absolutely should engage with women in media and real life with more nuance and energy than they do, but fandom spaces are not the place to police or judge that. 

[theunknowncryptid]

Part Five - The Hogwarts Champion

Next

Masterlist

Yoongi x y/n

After a horrible prank, Slytherin, Min Yoongi, is entered into the Triwizard Tournament. Y/n, feeling responsible, decides it’s her personal mission to make sure he survives the ordeal

~        ~        ~

Yoongi turned off his phone in annoyance and pushed it away across the table. It was nearly half past nine and the library would be closing soon. A quick glance around told him that he was the only one remaining. Everyone else had filtered out to either catch up with their friends after summer vacation or study in their common rooms. Becoming more annoyed that he had wasted his precious studying time texting, Yoongi began to stack up the several books that he had spread across the table. The pile reached higher than his head once he had grabbed them all. Carefully, he maneuvered around the table and began to place the books back in their rightful spots on the shelves. Yoongi grumbled quietly to himself as he recalled his conversation from minutes before. 

Who does Y/n y/l/n think she is? 

He placed a book down harder than necessary, with a thud. Yoongi wasn’t about to share his life with some stranger. Especially an overly energetic, goofy stranger. He ripped away his hand just in time as he put down the Monster Book of Monsters and it snapped at him viciously. Yoongi moved further through the aisles of books, remembering this afternoon's potions lesson.

“Min Yoongi and Y/n y/l/n” Snape called out. Yoongi’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his mind drawing a blank. Y/n? He thought. He looked around at the classroom, studying the faces of the Slytherins and Gryffindors. No one was moving and for a second Yoongi had the euphoric thought that he would be partnerless this term. He could happily work on his own and not be forced to make pointless small talk with a partner. His hopes were dashed quickly with the sound of a wooden stool scraping against the stone flooring. Yoongi turned and looked over his shoulder to find the source of the noise. A Gryffindor girl was gathering her books and shoving a cell phone into her pocket. She seemed slightly caught off guard at being called on and large eyes darted across her items to make sure she had everything before joining Yoongi.

“Sometime today, Miss y/l/n” Snape drawled out like a hiss. Y/n pulled her lips into soft line as her cheeks flushed pink. She hurried forward and took her place next to Yoongi. With her close proximity, Yoongi could now hear the phone in her robe pocket buzzing rapidly. Snape continued on with the partner assignments and the eyes that had been on Yoongi and Y/n found other interests. As she re-opened her books, Yoongi took the opportunity to look at the girl. Something about her bothered him. Her hair was pulled into a loose bun and pieces were falling out shielding parts of her face from Yoongi’s view. The parts that Yoongi could see were nothing extraordinary. Pale skin, pink lips, with natural makeup. She smelled faintly of vanilla and… Men’s cologne? 

Yoongi was still staring at Y/n when she looked up at him. He jolted and his attention was back on the lesson in a matter of seconds. Irritation and embarrassment flooded his system when she spoke.

“Hi” Yoongi only nodded slightly at her greeting.

He chose to ignore her for the rest of the lesson and since it was the first day and they didn’t have any partner work it was fairly easy. After an hour, the bell rang and Yoongi had forgotten the staring incident. He packed up his books and threw his bag over his shoulder, thankful that the end of the day had arrived. 

“Hey, Yoongi!” Yoongi turned back to his work table that he had been walking away from. Y/n stood there smiling. “Do you want to exchange phone numbers? You know- for class.” She asked. 

“Uh.. Sure.” He mumbled. Yoongi fumbled in his pockets for a scrap piece of parchment. He scratched his number onto the paper and passed it to Y/n.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Y/n chirped brightly. She exited the potions classroom with Yoongi staring dumbfounded after her.

Yoongi placed his last book on the shelf and turned back to collect his things from the library table. Remembering his encounter with the Gryffindor annoyed him again. Something about her set him off. Yoongi didn’t know if it was the constantly texting friends, the way she spoke, the half-smile that made her look like she was always daydreaming, or something else entirely. 

When she had texted him asking to meet up to work on the first assignment, Yoongi decided that it was inevitable and that sometimes life is working with people you don’t enjoy. But, then she dug further and started asking him personal questions. Yoongi can barely tolerate people he likes asking about him. So, to make the point clear, Yoongi snapped.

He pulled his remaining books into his bag and placed it over his shoulders. He gave a polite nod to a smiling Madam Pince as he exited the library into the abandoned hallway. Yoongi spent so much time in the library over the years and Madam Pince had become fond of him, offering book recommendations and the occasional homework help.

As he made his way down to the Slytherin common room, Yoongi gave a deep sigh and loosened his necktie. He started to become lost in thought again as he walked the familiar steps. Feelings of guilt started to prick in his brain. Jin had asked him specifically not to be rude to Y/n and that’s exactly what he had done. Apparently, the girl was some kind of fucking Mother Teresa and the Gryffindors were very protective of their princess. Yoongi supposed that he should feel guilty for upsetting Y/n, but he didn’t. He felt guilty for disappointing Jin. 

Yoongi was just 8 years old when he moved in with Jin and his family. His grandmother, who had cared for Yoongi up to that point, had died after a heart attack. They had lived together in the wizarding village of Appleby. It was just the two of them, but their household was busy and joyful because of the family next door. The Kim’s. Yoongi and Kim Seokjin became best friends at a young age and it was if their families melded to accommodate the boys. They would play in Min’s living room and then run across the property to swing on the Kim’s swing set. Jin’s parents and Yoongi’s grandmother would also come and go into each others houses as they pleased, sharing stories and playing cards on the porch. It was as close to perfect as life can be. But, when Yoongi’s grandmother died, no other family was willing to claim guardianship of Yoongi. So, Yoongi moved in with the Kim’s and they became his legal guardians. At first, Yoongi thought that this was the best case scenario and, hopefully, not much would have to change. As he got older, he learned differently. He knew the Kim’s loved him like another son, but he was a financial burden that was difficult to support. They didn’t have the money to move, so he and Jin had to share a room and Yoongi had to watch another family move into the home he had shared with his grandmother. 

Yoongi didn’t know what would have happened to him had he not moved in with the Kim’s, but he did know that he would have been without a family and alone. Yoongi owes everything he has to Jin and his family. 

That’s why disappointing Jin in anyway made Yoongi feel guilty beyond belief.

Once they got to Hogwarts, Yoongi was placed in Slytherin and Jin in Gryffindor. They still remained best friends (if not brothers), but Yoongi found it difficult to make his own friends. He tried, but always found himself putting up walls and creating a distance between any new friendships. Relationships came easy to Jin, though, and Yoongi managed to make his only other friend, Hoseok, through Jin. He counted himself lucky to have the friends that he did, but still, a lot of the time he felt lonely. As if he was disconnected from the world around him.

Being separated from everyone except Jin and Hoseok made Yoongi weary and suspicious of strangers reaching out to him. 

That’s probably why I’m such a dick

His thoughts traveled to Y/n again as he reached the Slytherin portrait and muttered the password. He didn’t bother to try and socialize in the common room and headed straight for the stairs that led to the boys dormitory. Yoongi knew he would have to apologize to Jin for his behavior toward Y/n and ran a hand over his face as he thought about what to say to both Gryffindors.

I’ll figure it out in the morning.

~ ~ ~

The silence in the Great Hall broke with the sound of muffled curses and light footsteps. The ceiling of the dark hall showed a cloudy night sky. The four tables belonging to the individual houses guided the way to the only source of light in the room. A large goblet filled with white-blue flames. The disruption to the stillness came in the form of two sixth year students moving as silently as they could into the hall. Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung. The pair were whispering to each other in harsh tones. 

“I’m just saying, if you were taking potions she wouldn’t be stuck with that dick.” Taehyung whispered. Now that they were in the Great Hall completely, the boys walked side-by-side towards the glowing goblet in front of the head table.

“I’m not switching back! I had to badger McGonagall all summer so I could join Dark Arts Studies.” Jungkook whispered back. Dark Arts Studies was a new, controversial class added to the Hogwarts curriculum a few years back. It was only available to select students joining the Auror and Medic career fields. Because of the low amount of students in the class, it combined Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin students. Taking the class made it impossible for Jungkook to attend Gryffindor potions with the rest of his year, so he attended with the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. “Plus, the way things are now, we get to be potions partners!”

“I know.” Taehyung conceded. “I’m just worried about her being around that guy.” The pair reached the goblet and stood together for a moment, staring up at blue flames. Taehyung looked over at Jungkook in the firelight. His face was lit up with light blue and his jaw was set in locked determination. The flames that flicked out towards the pair reflected in the younger boys eyes. Watching it was hypnotizing.

“Taehyung?” Taehyung flinched back and realized that Jungkook was speaking to him. “I asked if you had the parchment?”

“Oh, yeah,” He said, pulling a slip of paper out of his sweatshirt pocket. A name could be clearly seen written on the parchment.

Min Yoongi

“Last chance to back out” Jungkook offered quietly, meeting Taehyung’s eyes. Taehyung shook his head. 

“No. It’s what he deserves.” Taehyung smiled slightly, as if it was all a big joke. “What’s the worst that could happen really?” Jungkook smirked and shrugged his shoulders. Taehyung held the slip of paper out to the younger boy and Jungkook placed the tip of his wand on the paper.

“Deligantur” Jungkook whispered. The paper seemed to shimmer and give a slight wave before settling just as it was before.

“Are you sure this will work?” Taehyung asked, turning to look at the large goblet in front of them.

“It should.” Jungkook assured. “Ready?” Taehyung nodded and, without hesitation, reached forward and dropped the slip of paper into the goblet. The fire burst upward, forcing Taehyung to take a step back. The flames changed from blue to blood red. Then, after a few seconds, the fire returned to its normal state of white-blue, low flames.

“Congratulations, Min Yoongi.” Muttered Jungkook. “You are the Hogwarts Champion.”

[kategrainger]

Suggested Solutions for Those Who Struggle with Self-Love

Happiness can be a fleeting thing, especially if you’re tired or over stressed. Today in this busy world it is ever more important to take the time for self care.

Neglecting and ignoring your needs is not noble. It’s not a badge that you should wear proudly. Putting everything and everyone else above your physical, mental, emotional or spiritual health is a sign of martyrdom, low self-esteem, and workaholism. It is not selflessness or a good work ethic.

We need to teach ourselves how to care for our needs. Why? Because no one else is going to do it for us!

Self-care means taking steps to look after yourself and your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.

Self-care starts with the acknowledgment that you are responsible for your wellbeing.

Self-care is an integral part of self-love which is the practice of being kind and compassionate towards yourself.

Here are signs to identify warning signs that you are neglecting self-care:

• Constant tiredness and fatigue • Irritability (little things annoy you) • Poor sleep quality • Muscle tension • Chronic illnesses (e.g. colds, flu, infections) • Anxiety and worry • Paranoia • Neglecting family or friend time • Obsessive rumination (mind won’t shut off) • Constant low-grade depression • More dread than excitement • Disconnection from your body • No time to do what makes you happy • All work and no play • Feelings of emptiness • Negative and self-sabotaging thoughts • Low self-worth and insecurity

There can be many other signs, but determining if you experience any of the above is a good place to start.

Why are we resistant to self-care?

You’ve probably heard it before. “I’m too busy to do that,” “I have too much on my plate right now,” “I’m inundated with work.” I’ve been guilty of using these banal excuses more than once, let me assure you!

Self-care, to many people, is also unfortunately associated with selfishness. There is an old and outdated perception that taking care of your needs first equals being self-centred. How are we able to take care of others if we cannot take care of ourselves?

Poor self-esteem is another reason why some people are resistant to self-care. The belief that “I’m not worth it” is so pervasive in our society that it’s an epidemic. Inevitably, poor self-worth results in self-neglect, sometimes even as a form of self-punishment. So I encourage you to practise the self-care ideas below. The more you incorporate them into your life, the better you will feel about who you are - at a core level.

Self-care suggestions for those struggling with self-love

If you struggle with stress, feelings of being overwhelmed, a mind that just won’t turn off, grapple with low motivation, negative mindsets, self-defeating habits, tend to be cynical, neurotic or highly-strung … this list is for you.

The best advice I can give you is to take it one step at a time. Don’t rush. The advice presented below is the work of a lifetime – not the work of a week. So be realistic and do the best you can.

Self-Care Ideas for the Body

1. Sit somewhere in nature. Feel relaxed by the scenery, the fresh air, and the birds singing.

2. Have a soothing bath. Put some essential oil in the bath to unwind and let go.

3. Take a deep mindful breath. Oxygenate your body, reduce the tension, and refresh your energy.

4. Have a nap. Find a comfy place and drift off into dream time. Set a timer if you’re worried about sleeping too much.

5. Make yourself some delicious food. Eat a tasty salad. Cook some comfort food. Make something just for you.

6. Dance to your favourite song. Get in touch with your playful side and enjoy a good workout while you’re at it!

7. Drink some herbal tea. Make yourself a soothing brew with whatever tea you have lying around. If you like experimenting, try holy basil, damiana, chamomile, and lavender.

8. Give yourself a massage. There are many self-massage techniques which you can easily find online that require nothing but your hands. For a deep tissue massage, you can use an old tennis ball and roll out the kinks in your muscles.

9. Eat your leafy greens every day. Nourish your body with the vitamins and minerals found in leafy greens like spinach, broccoli, and kale. If you don’t like the taste, add them to your smoothie or soup.

10. Take a walk in the sun. Get some vitamin D. Clear your mind. You’ll be exercising while you’re at it.

11. Create a physical space that nurtures your wellbeing. Get rid of the clutter, dirt, and dust around you. Create order in your environment as this will create more order in your mind.

Self-Care Ideas for the Heart

12. Give yourself a big hug. Stand somewhere quiet and hug yourself. Feel held and comforted.

13. Have a good laugh. Watch or read something entertaining even if that means a silly video of baby goats in pyjamas on YouTube.

14. Have a good cry. Let out all your feelings. Watch a sad movie. Have a tissue box and a blanket to snuggle in handy.

15. Show gratitude. Find something to be thankful for in your life.

16. Look at yourself through the eyes of a loving parent. Be the best mother or father to yourself that you could possibly be. Treat your inner child with love, gentleness, and respect.

17. Say kind words to yourself. When you’re angry, sad or scared, gently tell yourself, “It’s OK,” “I understand,” “I forgive you,” “You can do this,” “I believe in you.”

18. Learn how to self-soothe. Feeling anxious or upset is normal. Find little rituals or practices that make you feel calm such as drinking a cup of cocoa, heating up a hot pack, listening to music, colouring-in, or cuddling a soft toy.

19. Go on a date with yourself. Go somewhere special and spend a day with yourself. Spend time thinking about the qualities you most love and appreciate in yourself.

20. Check in with your heart. Regularly explore how you’re feeling on an emotional level. Does something feel uncomfortable or wrong? What emotions are currently dominating your inner landscape? By gently acknowledging these emotions you’ll be able to practice self-care.

21. Spend time around people that support you. Find people who believe in and uplift you. Keep away from those who seek to drag you down and infect your life with negativity.

Self-Care Ideas for the Mind

22. Feed and expand your mind. Learn something new. Read up on different topics and open your mind to new perspectives. Enrich your understanding of the world.

23. Journal and self-reflect. Record your journey with self-care and write down your key discoveries. Reflect on your progress and feel proud.

24. Still your mind. Find a way to calm your mind each day. Meditation or mindfulness are two excellent practices. Pay attention to the present moment and get out of your thoughts.

25. Take a break from social media. Clear the stream of your mind for a few days. Give yourself a break from the comparison, egotism, and drama that stems from social media. Delete social media apps from your phone and spend time doing something else.

26. Create a routine for your day. The mind thrives with structure. Create clarity and order by setting in place clear habits and routines. Just ensure that you are flexible and allow these structures to shift and evolve through time as need be.

27. Create an achievements folder. Whether on your computer or in a physical folder, set aside a place where you can record all of your proudest moments. What obstacles have you overcome? What projects have you completed? What struggles have you managed to learn from? Record all of your successes to reflect on when you’re in a funk or feeling like a failure.

28. Simplify your to-do list. Ask yourself, “What is actually necessary?” Identify the things on your mental (or physical) to do list that are wasting space. Not everything is vital or important to do. Minimising what you have to get done can reduce a tremendous amount of stress. Use a technique such as the Eisenhower Matrix to assess what is vital vs. unimportant.

29. Put your phone on airplane mode. Airplane mode stops all calls, texts, and annoying distractions from interfering with your life. Free yourself temporarily each day from the mental slavery of perpetually checking your phone. For example, after 6 pm take a ‘mini holiday’ from your phone until the next morning.

30. Set yourself small, manageable goals. Set yourself one or two major things you want to accomplish each day that will bring you a sense of success or fulfilment. This could be as simple as cooking a nice meal to as big as writing a chapter in your book. Simply feeling like you’ve achieved one of your goals is a wonderful feeling that you can experience daily!

31. Do something outside of your comfort zone. Even if that means going a new route to work or walking your dog along a new street! Enjoy the sense of self-confidence and empowerment that comes from knowing you can do something a bit uncomfortable and different.

32. Set clear boundaries. Stand up for yourself and say “no” even if your voice shakes. Set clear limits on your time and energy. Safeguarding your energy is a form of self-care and self-respect. Give energy only to that which you consciously agree to invite into your life.

Self-Care Ideas for the Soul

33. Light a candle and watch the shifting light. Indulge in some relaxation with a scented candle. Watch the flickering of the light against the wall and connect with your inner self.

34. Ask for help and guidance.If you’re feeling confused, lost, sad, stressed or depressed, reach out to someone. Asking for help is a sign of courage and intelligence. Find a trusted friend, advisor or professional to help you out.

35. Connect with your soul’s guidance. There are countless ways to interact with your soul essence. Prayer, meditation, visualisation, oracle reading, and dream work are all fairly simple ways to get back in touch with your core.

36. Be receptive to beauty. Beauty opens and expands the soul. Beauty can intoxicate and fill you with awe. Find at least one beautiful thing every day to enchant you. Nature is an easy and nourishing place to find all things beautiful and wild.

37. Connect with another person. Find someone to have a heart-to-heart conversation with, even if that person is online. Express your deepest thoughts and feelings and reciprocate that with another who is on the same wavelength as you. Human connection, when it is authentic and raw, is uplifting to the soul.

38. Be your own best friend and soulmate. Treat yourself as you wish to be treated. Enjoy spending time with yourself and fall in love with who you are. Celebrate your messy humanity and divinity and the strange paradox of who you are.

39. Creatively express your deepest feelings. Write, draw, sculpt, scrapbook, paint, sing or dance your rawest feelings. Creatively express yourself in whatever way feels most appealing and natural. You don’t have to be an artist to do this! Self-expression and creativity are universal balms for the soul and have tremendous healing energy.

 How to Use the Suggestions Above

Some final thoughts on the self-care suggestions I’ve just shared: pay attention to any that jump out at you. When reading through this list, which ideas tug at your attention? Focus on those first. Remember, there’s no need to rush! That would be contrary to the point of this article. So go at your own pace. Do as much or as little as feels comfortable to you. Most importantly, be consistent. Self-care is a habit and with a little stubbornness, it can become a wonderful way of life.

© Kate Grainger 2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Casey Carlisle with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

[mssapphire]

You can always be friendly, but you can’t always be friends (pt. 3)

So, this post has been a long time coming. And it’s, of course, the most controversial one.

I think that we live in a culture where we tend to misuse the word friend a lot and tend to confuse being friendly with being friends with someone (an idea I discuss here). I like to define friendships as «emotionally intimate relationships based in equality. Where the key component keeping you in relationship is a mutual sense of understanding, trust and compatibility with each other. And not relationships where something is owed.»

First, I focused on relationships where there are inherent power dynamics present that make a true friendship impossible (to be found here), aka: you owe each other something and there are social structures at play that will always frame the relationship within a power imbalance (meaning, one of you has to lose a lot more than the other).

But for my second post I veered into other types of relationships within specific contexts, where a true friendship is impossible. I then went on to explain why party friends, whom you have a casual relationship based on substance abuse specifically, are not really your friends (to be found here). Yes, you can be friendly, yes, you can genuinely have fun and enjoy each other, but the lack of emotional depth hinders any sort of truly emotionally connected relationship, because you base the relationship on what is called a fantasy bond.

This is what brings me to another type of relationship which I think precludes the existence of a real, connected friendship completely. And that is: exes.

And to this some people reply: ‘what do you mean?! I am friends with my exes! and it’s not a problem!’. To which I push back with: but are you really?

Let’s get the obvious thing out of the way: if you were in an abusive, exploitative, emotionally convoluted relationship, of course it’s impossible to be friends with an ex. Why on earth would you want to still be friends with someone who hurt you? Even more so, if the other person was controlling, they can keep tabs and emotional control over you with the excuse of ‘being friends’ and be emotionally abusive and exploitative. So not only is it a good idea to not be friends with someone who abused you - but it’s absolutely necessary or else the abuse will continue in some way or another.

This should be a given and, if you’re reading this and you’re trying to leave or just left an abusive relationship and are feeling guilty over not being friends with them - let me tell you: you deserve to prioritize your emotional well-being above everything else, and you don’t owe them a friendship. It’s ok to let them go, it’s ok to set boundaries and deny them access to you (and I’ll elaborate more on this).

‘But my relationship wasn’t abusive’ I hear my imaginary interlocutor say. ‘We just wanted different things and decided to part ways amicably. Of course I am friends with my exes’. 

So, here’s where I think the disconnect happens and people fall into that confusion that is distinguishing being friendly with being friends with someone.

Being friends with someone means actively connecting with them emotionally. It’s getting to know them on a deep intimate level, and continue to keep that mutual connection through joint work. You gotta show up emotionally to the relationship if you want to keep the relationship connected.

But once the relationship has ended, you have to completely redefine it and set new boundaries. And part of those new boundaries mean creating distance so you can truly grief the loss of your relationship (even if it wasn’t a particularly painful loss, it’s still a loss) and process that it no longer is. And a part of that grieving process is also mourning the loss of your friend. Because I believe that any romantic partner worth their salt is, and should be, your friend first and foremost.

But if you insist on being friends and staying in touch and staying connected, when the relationship is supposedly ended, what you are trying to do is to hold on to the fantasy bond you have with them. Even more so, you’re trying to do something impossible: chop up the parts of the relationship you don’t want (say, romantic or sexual feelings) to only keep those you still want (friendship). And that is profoundly confusing. You can’t just turn your feelings on and off at will - that’s not how it works. 

No good and happy relationship just ends. Relationships end because things weren’t quite working out. And when you insist on keeping this connection alive, you’re probably trying to hold on to the idea of what you want the relationship to be, instead of accepting what the relationship actually is. 

Most importantly, and this is a key factor, by holding on to this relationship, we’re occupying our mental space and filling up our emotional capacity. If you’re still hung up on your ex, you won’t have room to develop deeper feelings for anyone else. That’s why letting go is not something that just happens overnight or out of sheer will power. It’s a process where you slowly acknowledge the feelings you have over the ending of the relationship, and then make room for other feelings and other relationships. Insisting to be friends is keeping you from having that process.

‘So what am I supposed to do instead? not talk to my ex if I run into them? and be rude to them?’ no, that’s not the point. That’s when being friendly comes into play: you can be completely civil, and have some small chat. It’s not like the opposite of not being friends with your ex means going Berzerk at them every time you see their face. The idea is to avoid becoming emotionally invested - because you have a previous history with this person. Of course time and distance helps. If you haven’t been in touch with your (amicable) ex for years and you run into them and have some coffee to catch up with each other’s lives, that’s all fair and good. But it’s something that can only happen when you have completely processed your emotions over their loss.

All this said, an important question to ask would be: why? why do we do this? why is it so difficult for some people to just not be friends with their exes?

I think it comes down to having a real misconception about boundaries. We think that saying No is always bad, and saying Yes is always good. So we think that by being honest with ourselves and other people and refusing to have relationships we can’t have (because we don’t have the capacity, for example), that we are somehow being mean. And that’s just not true. In fact, saying yes when we should be saying no is only gonna get us in deep trouble in the future. It’ll make us resentful or overinvested in a relationship we have no business being in or, at the very least, not like that. 

But we have a difficult time accepting this. In fact, setting boundaries might clash with the idea we have of ourselves in our head. ‘I can’t not be friends with my ex! That would make me a mean person. And, after all, I am not mean!”. Who said anything about being mean? You’re just looking out for each other’s emotional well-being. In fact, it’s just the opposite of being mean. But because we don’t want to confront this idea we have constructed of ourselves, we are much more likely to deny our emotional reality - and that is, that you need distance and space to emotionally process that your former partner is now your ex.

We also have a tendency to avoid our negative feelings. So as a way to run away from our grieving and sense of loss, ‘staying friends’ feels like a more emotionally safe alternative. But this just delays the grieving process which will have to happen at some point or else it’ll come out in some other ways. It’s like trying to force reality to be fine when we are not, indeed, fine.

And on a more personal note and to wrap this up, I personally find it very suspicious when someone tells me they’re friends with all of their exes. Because they either don’t know what being a friend means, or they weren’t really emotionally invested in their relationships (no matter how long they were together).

But that’s just me.

[francescamaxime]

5-week course: Embodied Anti-Racism: A Mindfulness Way for Therapists and Helping Professionals

LEARN ABOUT THE COURSE HERE:

5-week course: Embodied Anti-Racism: A Mindfulness Way for Therapists and Helping Professionals

ENROLL HERE:

A Five-Week Course for Examining Our Inner World So We Can Help Our Outer World

DATES: Call 1: Oct 21st Call 2: Oct 28th Call 3: Nov 4th Call 4: Nov 11th

Call 5: Nov 18th

Welcome,

I invite you to join me for Embodied Anti-Racism, a new course that uses mindfulness principles and a body-oriented approach in the journey of becoming anti-racist therapists and helping professionals. This course has been in development for over a year, and I am so excited to finally open it to the public.

Many of you likely have some understanding of somatic tools and the power of mindfulness practices. So it will be familiar to you when we use those resources to work with what comes up as we address racism in a deeper context. And we can all use this deepened awareness in order to offer our best to our clients—even if we don’t see many clients of color at the moment.

In my own personal journey as a Haitian-Dominican Italian-American multiethnic woman, it was my spiritual mentor Jack Kornfield who encouraged me down the path to becoming more enlightened about racism. Since that time in 2015, I have dedicated my life to educating myself about how racism shows up in therapeutic interactions. During this journey, I unexpectedly discovered that my mindfulness and somatic training have been invaluable allies...

...but trying to do this work alone is overwhelming.

When we try to untangle the many knots of racism woven through the whole fabric of our society, many of us get stuck in our minds and feel alone in our thoughts, with no one to talk to who can help us sort them out. In this course, we will be creating a community for discussing our experiences, teasing apart our confusion, and sharing our struggles. Because in community, this work becomes so much easier.

As a group, we will learn how to pause and examine our shame or traumatic experiences in the moment. We will unpack what it means to be a ‘white person’ and a racialized being. We will also look at neuroscience and Polyvagal Theory to better understand how our mind and body may react when issues of race come up.  We will learn to use mindfulness and self-regulation to increase our ability to be fully present for ourselves and our clients.

We need to use both the left and right sides of our brains in our unlearning of racism.

Too many other diversity and cultural competency courses fall short because they focus on trying to be “PC” instead of diving in and interrogating whiteness. I don’t want to simply tell you what you should do to be a non-racist—I want to guide you along your journey of discovering how to be an embodied anti-racist.

As Michelle Obama said, “Make no mistake about it: There are still so many causes worth sacrificing for. There is still so much history yet to be made." So, as a community of helping professionals, I encourage you to join me on this journey together!

Warmly, Francesca Maximé 

1) Five Pre-recorded Teaching Modules

2) Five Live Q&A Calls

3) Private Membership Site to Access Transcripts & Downloads

A UNIQUE INTEGRATIVE APPROACH

Mindfulness is opening our awareness to include the ability to intentionally notice what we're actually, presently experiencing, without judgment. Incorporating mindfulness in our anti-racism work can help us meet this moment and understand ourselves as racialized beings, without getting lost in fear, anger, or shame.

Working with Parts invites us to become more familiar with the various aspects of ourselves that long for our wise and compassionate understanding. As we increase compassion for our parts, we are able to show up as a more emotionally responsible, mature adult and stay present in situations pertaining to race.

Neuroscience and the Polyvagal Theory give us an understanding of how our minds and bodies may react when issues of race arise. Using these lenses can helps us understand how to better regulate our nervous systems and transform our responses so that we can act from a place of calm connectedness. Incorporating neuroscience shows us that our brains are malleable and we have the power to change.

Attachment Theory illuminates places of rupture in our lives that may be preventing us from finding our grounded self able to do this complex work. Recognizing rupture in our lives allows us to move into a state of repair. And as we repair those parts of ourselves, we will be more firmly rooted in our self-worth and able to lean in to anti-racism work.

“Racism cuts us off from our humanity. And the worst part is we don’t even know how disconnected we are. If you want to be an anti-racist, you have to be clear about how bad the dehumanization is and do the work to allow yourself to feel again and get reconnected to people.”

— Stoop Nilsson, LMSW, a racial re-education coach, strategist, and organizer

WHO IS THIS FOR?

All Helping Professionals are Welcome

Anyone who sees themselves in a helping role is invited to join us. Participants may be therapists, licensed psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health counselors, marriage and family therapists, or social workers, but you could also be a massage therapist, mindfulness teacher, yoga instructor, professor, business executive, organizational leader, teacher, daycare owner, pastoral counselor, or spiritual guide.

We Welcome All Races

We've all had different life experiences. People of all races, especially those with white skin privilege or light skin racial advantage, are encouraged to join us to share their unique experiences and help us further our learning as we work to become embodied anti-racists.

We Extend a Special Invitation to White Professionals

The majority of therapists are white women, meaning that this population has the potential to create significant change. As a multiethnic woman who’s had the lived experience of living with light-skin privilege, I was still quite ignorant until I started my anti-racism journey five years ago. I understand you don’t want to feel guilty, to feel like you’re doing it wrong, or to say the wrong thing. My goal is to help you understand yourself as a racialized being so that you can be more fully embodied and present with people who may not look like you.

“Francesca, not sure I have the words to express the level of gratitude for your session today… As a woman who identifies as white, I witnessed how today’s session was no less (in fact, I think even more from what I could see) healing for the women of color than for me.”

— LB

WHAT'S INCLUDED?

1) FIVE PRE-RECORDED TEACHING MODULES

Join Francesca for five pre-recorded training videos where you will learn how to use mindfulness in your work as an anti-racist.

2) FIVE LIVE Q&A CALLS

Each week we'll come together to discuss current events and identify places where we see systemic racism in our daily lives. We'll also have time to answer questions that come up as you move through your journey.

3) PRIVATE MEMBERSHIP SITE TO ACCESS TRANSCRIPTS & DOWNLOADS

Find all your course materials in the user-friendly membership site. Each training is available in video and audio format so you are able to download and own all the content.

PLUS THESE BONUSES…

FIVE EXPERT TRAINING VIDEOS

1) Accepting Your Assignment with Dr. Jack Kornfield

What happens if you see the act of changing society as an assignment instead of a source of shame and guilt? Dr. Kornfield explores the idea that our culture is in the midst of a difficult process that will eventually give birth to something new. He and Francesca also discuss Buddha, Dharma, holding suffering with compassion, and creating a safe, honorable, and inclusive space for all.

2) Sociocultural and Sociopolitical Considerations for Mindfulness with Dr. Shelly P. Harrell

Making the assumption that race and racism are not relevant if a client is white is not accurate. We need to look at the interconnectedness of our world to see how all clients are reacting. In this interview, Dr. Harrell shares 10 considerations to integrate mindfulness into anti-racist psychotherapy practice. Shelly and Francesca also discuss evolving wokeness, social ecology, and a four-part conceptualization of mindfulness.

3) Whiteness on the Couch with Dr. Natasha Stovall

When the issue of whiteness comes up in therapy sessions, it often feels uncomfortable and is thus often ignored in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. But why? Author of "Whiteness on the Couch," Dr. Natasha Stovall, joins Francesca to explore whiteness, how it shows up in the therapy room, and how to use therapeutic tools to process conversations pertaining to race with a greater sense of curiosity, grace, and insight. Francesca and Natasha also discuss race as a variable, dynamics of perceived and structural superiority and power, our individualistic culture, and the difference between a person's internal experience and outward actions.

4) Everyday Racism with Susan Cousins

Is racism different in different parts of the world? Author Susan Cousins, MBACP (Snr. Acred), works with diverse populations in Wales, and shares some of the challenges the U.K. faces in navigating issues pertaining to racial equity, including the popular terminology used to describe non-white populations, BAME: Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic. Susan talks about her book, "Overcoming Everyday Racism: Building Resilience and Wellbeing in the Face of Discrimination and Microaggression." She lays out six categories of wellbeing with Francesca, including limits, boundaries, empowerment, and the impact of reporting a hate crime.

5) The Racist Part in You with Dr. Dick Schwartz

The more unburdening we do, the more change we can create. Founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Dr. Richard Schwartz, discusses what he sees as the four legacy cultural burdens of the United States: patriarchy, individualism, materialism, and racism. Dick and Francesca also look at how IFS can help us work with potentially racist parts of ourselves, how we can use IFS in our work with diverse client populations, and the intention of collective unburdening.

HERE’S WHAT WE'LL LEARN TOGETHER IN

Embodied Anti-Racism: A Mindfulness Way for Therapists and Helping Professionals

Module 1: What Does it Mean to be an Embodied Anti-Racist?

Many structures in our culture have been systemized for decades and have racism cooked into them. If we want to create change, we first have to look at ourselves. Mindfulness is the tool we will use to examine different parts of ourselves, our bodily reactions, and any trauma that lies in our pasts. In this module, we will explore the history that we weren’t taught in school and how our bodies and minds react to this information.

In this module, we will discuss:

The difference between ‘anti-racist’ and ‘non-racist’

The Four Humble Abodes

Attachment Theory and Relationality

Scarcity mentality versus Abundance mentality

Where suffering originates

Understanding your Social Location/Positionality

Module 2: Whiteness & Privilege: Systems We’ve Inherited

Many of us associate racism with an individual bad actor. As long as we don’t see ourselves as racist, then we get to be the ‘good’ people. This belief prevents us from actually seeing the systems in our culture that influence our neurophysiology and our neurobiology. In reality, we are inheritors of systems created long before we were born. In this module, we will use mindfulness to cultivate an awareness of these deeply ingrained systems and recognize their effects on us and what we can do about it.

In this module, we will discuss:

What is ‘Whiteness?’

How belonging and interdependence sustain ourselves and our communities

Polyvagal Theory and the nervous system in relation to mindfulness

Cultural Somatics that exist in our daily life

The power behind privilege

Shifting from feeling shame to feeling empowered

Module 3: Racial Identity Development

Many of us are all familiar with various models of human development, such as those formulated by famous clinicians Freud, Erikson, and Piaget. In this module, we will turn our attention to the Stages of Racial Identity Development created by Dr. Janet Helms. We will discuss all six stages through the framework of what a white person may experience so we can better understand where we are in our own awareness of our identity as racialized beings.

In this module, we will discuss:

Each stage: Contact, Disintegration, Reintegration, Pseudo Independence, Immersion/Emersion, Autonomy

The purpose of guilt and shame

How we can be both white and anti-racist at the same time

Seeing white individuals as racial beings

Reclaiming your heritage

Module 4: Allyship: Are You ‘For’ or ‘With?’

Allies are necessary in the fight against racism. In the past, many allies have engaged in their work with good intentions, however, the outcomes may not have sustained the intended impact. The important question here is, who were they trying to help and why? What is the deepest intention behind the offering? In this module, we will examine how to be present with and attuned to our impulses to help. This approach is important because it can lead us to more appropriate and effective directions of embodied service, as well as allow us to be more compassionate toward ourselves and others. We will learn the difference between trying to save communities and collectively supporting our shared community.

In this module, we will discuss:

What it means to be ‘for’ and ‘with’

What it means to be a white savior

The core mindfulness principle that will create a more collaborative partnership between you and your client

How to bring up race in session in a way that may offer greater safety for your clients

Shadism and colorism

Module 5: Grief Work: Collective & Individual

“There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.” ― Leonard Cohen Grief is often seen as somber, but there are ways that we can support ourselves in our sorrow that also celebrate our shared joy. As we use mindfulness to shift our perspective, we see that our heartbrokenness can be an opportunity for something new to emerge. In this module, we will explore grieving the systems, beliefs, and behaviors that we inherited, both from an individual perspective and as a collective community. We will turn our attention to creating a new way of being grounded in wise, embodied, compassionate, anti-racist action.

In this module, we will discuss:

How grief feels in our bodies

The difference between grief and shame

The idea of ‘Spiritual Bypassing’

Creating our collective liberation

Embodied Anti-Racism: A Mindfulness Way for Therapists and Helping Professionals

If you are a helping professional of color, please accept our discounted enrollment price for this course by clicking here. We are glad to have you with us!

PLUS THESE SPECIAL BONUSES:

FIVE Expert Training Videos

1) Accepting Your Assignment with Jack Kornfield

2) Sociocultural and Sociopolitical Considerations for Mindfulness with Shelly P. Harrell

3) Whiteness on the Couch with Natasha Stovall

4) Everyday Racism with Susan Cousins

5) The Racist Part in You with Dick Schwartz

When are the Live Call Dates?

All calls will be held on Wednesdays at 12pm MT/2pm ET for 60 minutes.

Call 1: Oct 14th Call 2: Oct 21st Call 3: Oct 38th Call 4: Nov 4th Call 5: Nov 11th

We will reserve November 18th for a make-up call if necessary.

Do I have to be a therapist to take this course?Collapse

Nope! This course is open to all helping professionals, including, but not limited to, talk therapists, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health counselors, couples therapists, sex therapists, massage therapists, cranial sacral therapists, mindfulness teachers, and professors or academic teachers.

Is this course Live or Recorded?Collapse

This course is unique in that it includes live calls and pre-recorded content. All of the live calls will also be recorded for you to watch at your convenience. All sessions are available in video, audio, and transcript format and can be downloaded.

Can I get CEs

Yes, this course is pending approval for 10 CEs. Full information on CEs can be found here.

What is Academy of Therapy Wisdom

The Academy of Therapy Wisdom is an inspiring, multidimensional platform for learning, with courses & videos that are easy to use, access & digest. Our goal is to help you become a more confident, capable & compassionate therapist who works with their clients in a new way.

REGULAR PRICE

$497

INTRODUCTORY OFFER

$347

Join Francesca Maximé for this special five-week online training course

If you are a helping professional of color, please accept our discounted enrollment price for this course by clicking here. We are glad to have you with us!

[aijee]

How you deal with your insecurities or if negative thoughts get to you? how do you deal with it?

Hi anon—I admit that I’ve been holding off on answering this question because I can’t really think of a good answer. But it’s been almost a week by the time you sent this, so now I just feel guilty and am unsure if answering it at this point would even help. Here’s what I have anyway:

Disclaimer: I am NOT a therapist or psychological expert.

Time can heal a lot. It’s not the fastest method, but getting a good night’s sleep, whether it’s one night or several nights in a row, helps me get over things pretty quickly. (During especially sleepless nights, I do take melatonin to force me to get those hours.) That might just be a “me” thing—I panic and go into Distress Mode quite severely within proximity of the triggering moment or spark of bad thoughts, then actually resting my brain for a night detoxes me quite a bit. I need a hell of a lot sleep to function properly. Health of the body contributes to health of the mind and all that.

Meditation. I’m shit at being consistent about it, which you really should be like with any other healing/health-related thing you pursue. But even sparse sessions do me a world of good. Sometimes taking a pause and not doing anything isn’t enough because the Bad Thoughts can return, so having someone talking to me in a gentle tone with affirmations or with guidance about what to think about helps fill in that brain space. Granted, meditation can still lead to Bad Thoughts because it is just breathing and thinking. But I strongly believe that practicing internal reflection, whether through meditation or something else, helps with more positive or at least productive thinking. I personally use an app on my phone for convenience, but I’m sure there are a ton of free videos online.

Step away from social media. Especially during a time where social media seems necessary to feel connected to a currently-disconnected world, remembering to step away from the shit the Internet is teeming with is so incredibly important for reconnecting to reality. I know the Internet is a distraction from the 2020 apocalypse. I know you want to escape from the real world. But there is an absurd amount of toxity on the web that, unlike the real world, you can avoid. Take a safely distanced walk outside if that’s feasible for you. Take in a little sun and fresh air. Remember that, in such bad times, nature is healing, and you can do the same with it.

Open up to people you trust. Knowing that someone is listening is often enough for me, so I don’t bubble in my soup of Bad Thoughts. Just be respectful to them and ask if they’re in the headspace to talk about anything potentially serious. With divulging personal struggles, I generally lean towards talking to people you know in real life rather than on the Internet mostly because you never know who’s behind the username. (It’s not so much not trusting Internet people, because there are very lovely people out there. But always take precautions with how much you share about yourself online.)

Do something you love. It can be as inane as watching Vine compilations or as extravagant as ball dancing. As much as I like writing and drawing and creating, even that takes a huge mental toll. So I default to watching Youtube channels, reading webtoons, or even a little cleaning since those are pretty mindless. This goes back to the mantra I’m trying to emphasize, which is, “The mind needs to fucking rest!” Rest can and is allowed to involve being objectively unproductive.

If it’s in your ballpark, look into therapy. I am very lucky to be in a place where I don’t feel like I can’t survive without it, but I have many, many friends who have a therapist. Friends and family are great, but sometimes you really need an objective opinion and the right questions to work through your shit. I am interested in finding a therapist once I feel like my work-life balance starts to normalize. There is no shame in it. You could be fully functioning and still greatly benefit from therapy. My friends do use a therapy service offered by our university/alma mater, so pricing isn’t something I can comment on personally. I think there are lots of free or well-priced services you can trust with a bit of research.

I strongly believe that negative thoughts/insecurity is a long-term healing process, like any sort of healing process with an acute physical issue. Remember that mental/emotional struggle is as valid as that physical.

That being said, some short term things that could help are: writing encouraging notes to yourself to distribute around your home; breaking down your to-do list into super small goals so it feels like you’re accomplishing a lot; treat yourself after accomplishing things (positive reinforcement); decorate and embellish your sleep/rest area; open up your windows and let the sun in, etc.

That’s all I have for now. My brain is a little on the futz these days, so if you have any more questions, my ask box is welcome.*

*I will say that I have the right to not answer anything I might not feel entirely  comfortable with because I might not be in the headspace to do so. I might also just forget to do so since I’m not on the Internet 24/7 and am only human. Don’t take it personally!

[personaltrauma]

I haven't truly gotten over you yet.

I remember the first day I saw you, and how much I felt in love with the sound of your voice, and with your laughing. I didn't knew I was gonna be leaving my current boyfriend at the time to be with you yet, all I knew right away was that you were special and I wanted to be with you.

When I left my boyfriend to be with you, to live the life you promised me, to be able to explore this love and affection we felt about each other, we finally knew how reality tastes like. You started having doubts about your feelings, you told me you were suddenly insecure about me, looking at my pics you felt nothing, you said. I was so scared that maybe you were mistaken about me.

and then that long 2018 October happened to us. We weren't dating yet, but I did kiss another random guy at a party that day we fought, which was the day when we decided we were going to see each other and you didn't come. I felt guilty about it and told you everything. Things were never the same anymore.

You couldn't forgive me, and decided you didn't want to be with me, you couldn't anymore. you couldn't stand the ideia that I had kissed a stranger in our bad day when you were the one who had been claiming for an open relationship this whole time.

I didn't want to mess up with you, Rafael. I truly didn't. I didn't want to hurt you, I loved you. Me kissing him had nothing to do with hurting you on purpose because I was mad at you that day.

Our relationship ended the day I told you I kissed somebody at a party. and I ended with it. November, December, January, I couldn't stand being alive knowing I had ruined everything with somebody I loved so much. All I wanted was being able to fix everything with you.

I never got to.

as 2019 went by, I couldn't stand going places we used to go, I couldn't stand being at college campus, because you could show up anytime... I didn't find you in none of the guys I met after you. And yet we would talk to each other ocasionally. Some people told me you suffered as well at the time, at that time I just wondered all the time how strong and self made your mind could be, you had made your decision.

When you sent me that huge letter telling me in a very poetic way you didn't love me anymore, making all the shitty book references you liked so much to make all the time I couldn't even reply you back. I was right not to do that, you met me a month later and told me, bursting in tears, you did love me still, and the letter was only supposed to hurt me with a goodbye.

that was so hurtful. you were still trying to defend yourself from me. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I still remember you crying and being unable to talk because it was so bad.

After a couple months into that hell of a year, we fought again over our short-time- relationship. I was not going to accept you telling people I was messed up because even though I didn't want an open relationship I cheated on you, just like I cheated on my ex boyfriend to be with you.

Time passed, after a lot of social media blocking and unblocking we both learned how to socially be around each other and around our common friends (shout out to JP), and we learned as well to kind of accept what happened to us. But I have a feeling you got two steps ahead on me.

I've always been obssesed with you, with our story. I couldn't forget for a single day in 2019. All the new boys I met, they were all compared to you, and I still wondered if you loved me, I still kept that hope we might could get back together someday...

and it's so dumb because you proved me how much less you could care all those months you would just vanish away, all those small possibilities we had to be together in which you would talk about the new men you have been with, or your new sex adventures... all those times I was so happy with your message notification, or with the fact that we spent an entire afternoon talking and that was huge for us, all of that energy I felt when I dreamt about you, and while telling you about the dream, you told me to go see a shrink, attempting to make a joke.

I guess you gave me all the signs you were not interested in me anymore when we spent 6 months without seeing each other, or talking, and when we finally met in 2020 all you had to say about me was "hmm, you look like a version of myself in 2018", and that shit hurt like hell because all I ever wanted was you being interested in me as me as much I still was in you. You looked at me in disguise and told me I looked like someone you have once been. I hate you so much for that.

I guess I always wanted to steal your attention, even if you didn't care anymore or even when I knew you had been gone for months, I didn't care. I wanted you so much I would forget everything you did before and be overwhelmingly glad and grateful that last time we saw each other at that party and you complimented the way I dressed, told me I looked cute. This last party actually represents a lot for me, I still remember us dancing to Bad Romance by Gaga and you pointed at me singing along with her "you know that I want you, and you know that I need you". I guess you probably have no idea the impact that had on me, the impact you still have on me.

At the end of the party, leaving the bathroom, I saw you there standing and watching me. My legs started working on their own and they walked me to you, I just closed my eyes and kissed you so much, that was a long 6 months kissing. You reacted to it kissing me back, touching my body, I touched yours. I felt like damn this is finally right again, this is what I've been longing for.

But I was wrong. You are not what I need. You are a mistake I keep going back to, I can't forget what we had, I still feel a lot over everything, I thought about hurting myself physically because the mental pain is so strong I had to direct somewhere. I have no courage to talk once again about this to any of my friends.

I'm ashamed.

When I looked at your tweets, and saw you are now in a new relationship with this new guy of questionable appearance, my heart didn't react to it right away, but now I am feeling everything. You got over me, Rafael. You forgot me. You moved the fuck on, you're living something new with your new man, and I am here writing this huge note on Tumblr because I still don't know what to do with the story we created in 2018.

I'm so angry at you for acting as if everything's behind us now, and that we could still be friends. We can't. I am going to block you in all of my social media, and I hope to never see you again, or let you come any close to me, because I can't stand the fact that you're over us, I can't stand the fact you never came to me looking for some closure, I can't stand the fact that the boy I met in 2018, the one I left my boyfriend to be with, was able to leave me behind because of some stupid mistake I made.

After all that fight, and disagreement in the beginning of 2020 we were cool. I pretended I was cool with you because maybe that way I still might had a chance to be close to you, to bring you back. The truth is I am not cool with you, I hate you. I hate still having feelings towards us.

I hate that I lied to myself about how I felt just to keep you close, and I hate that I hate you for being my friend while I pretended to be yours to get you closer again.

I don't wanna be your friend.

You once told me in 2019 you were afraid we might end up hating each other, I'm pretty sure you don't care now while you're sitting on your new man's dick, but that is what happened to us.

I hate you, and I want you to go fuck yourself for being an asshole piece of shit who thought only about you in all of this.

But I also hate myself a lot more for only thinking about me and in my goddamn fucking side and necessities in all this, I made a lot of mistakes that led me here: kissing someone else while we were together and specially telling you that, reaching you out for a fight when I knew you were speaking shit about our relationship, allowing us to be friend again, kissing you again, believing we could be back together as we once were.

this relationship ruined 3 entire years of my life, I am completely devastated and I can't move on, I still feel so much and I can't allow myself to meet new people and build other stories (as you did), I am in such a cold state of self hate, I am a piece of suffering. Our relationship ruined me.

But at least I know I can still do something I should have done long ago, which is disconnecting you from my life 100%.

the mistake of letting you close won't be committed ever again.

goodbye, Rafael.

[nightlight-daylight]

A Letter to Loved Ones

I wrote this as an exercise in practicing my communication and DBT skills, but at the behest of my recovery coach, I now will share it with you. Please know that all of this is real and true and honest, and also know that you are under no obligation to change. This is merely a incomplete statement of need made from an unfiltered momentary reflection. 

Dear Loved One, 

I am at a point where my recovery is utterly precarious and uncertain. I could so easily fall off a cliff and back into the depths of disorder. For some insane reason my mind has held on much longer than before, and I feel as if I can still write this in clarity and light and feel as if emotionally I have not been so stable in quite some time. Often I wonder if this is a delusion, and if I am tricking myself into believing that things are better than they are. But maybe I should trust that if my mind feels strong, I am. In any case, I could at this moment jump fully into recovery or I could say fuck it all and let it go completely. My weight is significantly low and I know that my family is concerned again. I am doing so well in school, academically, and well emotionally all things considered, and socializing more than I have in several years. But there are really hard days where everything seems impossible and it feels easier just to fully live in disorder and chaos rather than struggle for recovery and against my disease. 

I still feel so isolated and disconnected from other people, and so fully and overwhelmingly unworthy and unlovable, and lacking in intelligence. Fundamentally i see myself as broken and damaged. My mind is easily agitated. On those very hard days, everything feels like a trigger and everything feels unsafe. I want to feel like people care about me when I do not care about myself. Maybe someday I can learn to give myself the love I so desperately crave. I hope so. Saying all of this makes me feel messed up and selfish and manipulative. I wish I did not feel this way and I wish I was not a burden to others. I wish I could be invisible and unobtrusive and unproblematic and without needs. I feel as if I must be those things so that in some way maybe I can make up for all of the deficits I hold. Anyway, on those hard days it feels that everything is threatening and my body crawls and my mind is in a million pieces of broken glass reflecting and distorting everything. I just want someone to hold me and co softly and brush my hair from my face and tell me that I did the right thing and that they are proud of me and that I am worth so much to them. I want to know that I am okay, even if it feels like I am not. In those moments it feels like there is a gaping hole at my center drawing out all the good and right and true and light things and I just want to know there is someone who will be there with me until it stops. 

I suppose there are a lot of things I need and want, but I will try to be specific at least in the context of what I need during those bad bad moments when it is all coming apart and I'm clinging on by threads. Really, I do not want to be alone. If I tell you to leave or I run away, come back, try again. I need to know someone cares enough to persist. Instead of touching my shoulder or arm or leg gently, either give me space, and maybe give me a blanket to wrap myself in, or hold me tight. Light touch mades me hyper-aware of my body. I probably don't want to talk about what is wrong right now. Just let me know you are there, that I am okay even if I feel I am not, that I am important and loved and worthy, and that you care. Please don't assume that these things are a given - they are not to me. I need to hear it again. I need to hear them repeated a thousand times. 

As for more general times, I still need a lot of things there too. I wish I was not so needy, that I did not suck the life out of others. But I hope someday I can give these things back to someone. Anyway, here are a few small examples. I am really very lonely still even though I am more social than before. I still am good at isolating. But please keep asking me to do things and to go out to dinner and to meet for coffee and keep asking again and again. The more you ask, the more chances I have to try again and say yes. I really probably do want to do these things. If I haven't talked to you in a while, call and leave me a message if I don't answer, or text me and text me over and over. Tell me when you think of me and I will learn to tell you when I think of you, which is often. Nag me and bother me until I respond. Help me see the world outside of my disorder. I have forgotten what it is. Please offer to do things outside of my comfort zone, but also realize that sometimes I need to feel safe. If I say no, ask later or in a different way. Maybe later, ask why I didn't want to do something, and if I seem guilty or sad or it was out of fear or I regret not doing it, ask if I want to now. Tell me about your own life and help me create mine. I do not know who I am and it is scary and confusing and I need someone to hold my hand and show me theirs. Show me music and books and clothes you like, and tell me about movies and art and spend time with me alone and help me meet new people. If you notice I am uncomfortable or got really quiet or I am wringing my hands, or I retreat, hold my hand and remind me that I am worthy of life and of love. One in a while randomly remind me that you care a lot about me and that you hope I am taking care of myself. Please just be there and remind me that you won't leave me. 

Here is where I am supposed to reinforce all of these things and remind you that recognizing my needs will benefit you in the long run, too. And all of that is true, because if I can get a grip on my recovery, I can be more of my true self with you and maybe some of this distress that pervades my life and everything I touch can dissipate just a little bit. I want you to be able to think about me and not worry if I have eaten or if I am okay or if my body is strong enough. If you can do these things, then maybe someday those worries can subside for you, too. I don't know why anyone would want to do any of these things for me, but I hope to God there is someone who can and will. 

[katiebruce]

adieu, 2019.

Here we are at the beginning of not only a new year, but a new decade. This past year went by so quickly (why are they always going by so much faster? Is this the true curse of aging?) that sometimes I had to hold my breath in an attempt to secure a quick moment for myself amidst it all. That is, I’m not trying to complain, nor say that 2019 wasn’t so incredibly fantastic to me; I digress. It’s just that I’m finding that the older that I get, the more challenging it becomes to live the life I want to live and still have time for myself at the close of the day, let alone to sit down and write about it. I am still deep in the throes of my Saturn Return, and so I know this is to be expected—and again, I don’t wish to complain about how bountiful my life was the past year. I simply state this in a moment of honest reflection, in hopes that in recapping my year, I can learn from it and make the new year ahead of me adopt a pace that isn’t so exhausting and altogether overwhelming. (It’s ironic that I wrote this pledge to myself a full week ago and have just now found the time to sit down and finish this silly, old little tradition I have for myself).

So, here it is, 2019. A final dance for you and I:

It started in the dark, with very loud soul music. My first NYE with a guaranteed kiss—my sweet prince Taylor. A New Year’s Day hangover dinner with some of the greatest at Parson’s, aka negroni slushies and fried chicken heaven.

My sister and Mom visited; the annual trip. Except this year something was different—Kelly’s hand was adorned with a newly acquired diamond weight. The engagement excitement had officially begun, and our usual visit of shopping, eating, drinking and comedy was suddenly buzzing with the anticipation of a wedding lurking somewhere around the new year’s corner.

I braced for the transition into my thirties—and the week it came couldn’t have been any sweeter. I’d just begun my seventh year as a flight attendant and was ready for a celebration of my twenties, and the journey they had taken me on. Taylor took me out for sushi and Shakespeare and we ended up sitting by the fire at a bar near my apartment when the clock struck midnight, and my twenties officially ended. The next day brought with it the promise of my best friend, Kris, and to my surprise, my best friend Nicole—a surprise trip that Lauren, Taylor, Kris and she had been in cahoots about without my knowledge. I returned home from target (of course) to a decorated apartment, loads of tears, and a hug so loving only your best friend could be the one giving it to you.

We played games, drank, ate, and stressed (something somewhat new to me, at least on my birthday) about the weekend’s plans ahead of us.

What was supposed to be a big night out, ended with me too drunk to finish a single drink at the bar. An impromptu house party and some drugs of choice (as well as the now famous Mom’s Whiteclaw—a combination of vodka and whiteclaw) saw me panicking in the bar bathroom and pulling an Irish exit. Feeling overwhelmed by social obligations, as well as celebrations where I am the center of attention, was new to me—I’d always loved it. But with the start of a new decade of my life, and the new chapter that came along with it, I realized that perhaps this wasn’t the person I was anymore, and instead of making myself feel guilty about it, I should perhaps try and embrace it, and learn from my experience instead.

This was the first of many changes within me that occurred in 2019.

Like, for example, when I fell out of love with eyeliner. Silly as it may sound, my densely winged look had become my signature style for so many years and suddenly it had started to feel more like a costume than a form of honest self-expression. Then it was my hair, my style—an identity crisis in the finest of forms—and still, at the close of this year I find myself uncertain of where I define myself stylistically—a minor problem, all things considered—but the uncertainty that comes along with it makes me lack my sense of direction, my sense of self, and my sense of expression. How can I still not know who I am, and who I want to be? How can it be possible to wake up one day, and suddenly feel so entirely disconnected to yourself, and the life you have so carefully curated for yourself—so separate from your desires, aspirations, and goals? What happens to a person that causes this change to occur so seamlessly? And do we all experience it? How are we supposed to find the time to cope?

I felt plagued by this question and still do. Just because a year ends, doesn’t mean everything has a specific ending. Correct punctation. Symmetrical narrative. Cohesive closure.

So it goes.

Spring came and along with it, Taylor’s first trip to Europe: Germany, Austria, and the Czech Republic. We drank beer, ate sweets, and visited some of the finest bars Europe has to offer (seriously—Prague has the best nightlife ever. I cannot wait to return and be haunted again by a glorious bartender who changes into the get up of a tarot card-bearing alchemist when a certain drink is ordered).

Our feet hurt and our jetlagged worsened but we were both eager with wanderlust, drunk on the idea that the interview Taylor had had the day before we left might just be the final one he went on, the ending to our nearly year-length long-distance woes, and the start of a new future together residing in the same city again, the stress of visitation no longer so troubling.

Turns out, it was.

A few weeks later, I took a trip to Maui on a whim. I spent the weekend at the beach, eating pineapples and drinking craft beer. I saw the oldest tree in the nation and felt deeply rooted in this new person I was becoming—am becoming—and felt inspired by her many offspring and how they’d all taken root themselves, baring their own identities, spawning off of one nucleus, off one single stump. I felt I was beginning to spawn, myself, and felt comforted in the seemingless infinite possibilities I would have to re-root, myself, in my own lifetime.

May came and I watched as my Kristopher turned thirty, his own new journey beginning, and celebrated sweetly amongst friends in his new apartment in Denver.

Taylor and I flew to Sweden on a whim—through London, of course—and spent an entire week with the flu falling in love with Stockholm… even though over-the-counter cold medicines are illegal country-wide. Taurus season being what it is, we argued, didn’t sleep, and flew home feeling worse than we had when we arrived. But, despite all that it didn’t spoil our trip. Instead it made us both realize that there are things worth fighting for in life, and that our relationship was one of them—we truly fought for it on that trip, and we both threw punches only to immediately tend to each others wounds, embarrassed we’d been so bold as to injure one another in the first place. I felt a sense of peace in this discovery; a sense of honesty that isn’t always pleasant but is, regardless, helpful.

It’s also worth noting that I ate the best veggie lasagna ever created and drank loads of loads of Meade—seriously—Sweden is the fucking coolest.

Summer came and went, and with the temperature hardly rising above eighty degrees in the city, I felt relieved. I helped Taylor move cross-country over the weekend of the Fourth of July and felt both excited and scared about our new adventure in the same city—hoping he’d love it but allowing him room to adjust and make his own judgements, without my influence.

We decorated his apartment, dealt with a lot of issues that come along with settling into a new city, and still we managed to grow stronger.

And then the wedding chaos began.

I planned a bachelorette trip for my sister in Nashville, and as her maid of honor, the stress was real. We planned surprises, arranged flights and travel plans, and found an Airbnb large enough to play home for all of us. I was dreading the trip until it actually came. We spent four days having fun, celebrating love, and listening to lots of emo music. I was incredibly proud of my sister, and excited for her marital bliss to final arrive that she has waited so long for.

Before I could even process it all, the wedding weekend came, and I watched as my sister took the hand of the man who is now my brother. I have never seen a bride more beautiful or had a celebration more perfect. But windy. Oh boy, was it windy.

Riot fest approached, and with it, Taylor and I’s one-year anniversary. In many ways, it was our year and a half anniversary, but that’s a story for another time. We started a tradition of finding gifts for each other at the Renegade craft fair and then ate our weight in Indian food on what was a particularly cool day in September.

October came, and with it the promise of a long-awaited trip to South Korea. What I initially called “Taylor’s pick” (as a form of explanation, when people asked why we were going there) quickly became one of my favorite places I’ve ever been to. We spent eight days learning the culture, seeing the immensely large city, revisiting the tragic history and eating the most delicious food I’ve ever eaten, day in and day out. I seriously cannot express how much I loved Seoul so simply; it was an experience I will cherish for the rest of my life. We visited the border of North Korea and felt the tragedy of a country at war firsthand and then visited the beautiful rural island of Nami and reveled in the fiery, changing, vibrant fall leaves. We played with meerkats and cooked our own barbeque and visited the birth site of the infamous Gangnam style. I drank a sweet potato latte and ate snow cheese. I cried as we spent our final morning walking Namdemoon market, feeling that a great change had come along with that experience, and that I’d never quite get that specific feeling back again.

My birthday was revisited again, in the form of receiving my present: two tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on Broadway in NYC. Taylor had got us first row balcony seats for the two-part play, and we spent an entire weekend running around (picture me showing him all of the settings of scenes from Catcher in the Rye—it was his first time in the city!) and crying during what was a breathtaking, phenomenal stage production. We ate chocolate frogs and drank wine and I felt truly in love with man sitting beside me, who was generous enough to make one of my dreams come true just to see me smile.

In November, we traveled to Brussels (I know—so many trips this year—I’m tired just typing about them all) to see Vampire Weekend and explore. We ended up drinking our way through the city, eating chocolate, meatballs and waffles everywhere we went. We discovered our new favorite beer—a kriek—and drank more of it than we did water for an entire weekend. I felt young on this trip, and though tired, excited for the busy weeks that lay just ahead of us.

Thanksgiving came so fast, it hardly felt real. And then, like clockwork, Christmas arrived. Time at home is always so relaxing, but also so stressful—old toxicities arise and are hard to combat in the moment. I guess part of growing is also realizing that facing these problems head on may not be pleasant, but is ultimately best for both your mental health and the experience of those around you, and that some demons never go away but instead just become tamed in the back of our minds, and we need to accept that.

I watched as Nicole, my Nicole, turned thirty and simultaneously dealt with some particularly hard times. It can be so hard to want to keep our friends safe in our arms, away from the rest of the world and its harms, without realizing that we each have to face certain things alone and experience the growth that that process allows. Adulthood really is tragic, and I want to be—you guessed it—the catcher in the rye, saving all my friends from succumbing to it, falling of the ledge of adolescence, and all the woes adulthood brings along with it.

So here we are, on January 8th, and I’ve finally found the time to draw this to a close. At the end of this particular year, it’s hard not to only reflect on the 365 days passed, but at the decade as a whole. In 2009, I was a horribly depressed twenty-year-old who suffered from terrible insomnia and a heartache I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover from. The past decade has seen me both drop out of and return to college and then get into grad school. I have watched so many around me fall in love, get married and even have children, and even more break up, fall apart and divide themselves. I moved to Chicago and began flying, and though I’m tired of it now, I can truly say the experience of it all changed my life and who I am entirely. I traveled to over twenty countries, some even by myself. I fell in love—three times, to be exact. One is now married, one lives over 4,000 miles away, and one is sleeping next to me, forever snoring his way into my heart and wherever the future may take it. I struggled to deal with who I was, who I had been, and who I was becoming. I grew. I grew so much, sometimes I’m not sure I would even recognize the former version of myself, though I’ve left her pressed between the pages of certain books, in certain countries, to be forever immortalized in her own glory over time—even if that specific glory is no longer my own.

2020 has started rough—a long week of work, and six days in, a mental break down that took a fistful of medication and a bucket full of tears to properly silence. In twelve days, the first chunk of my novel has to be written, and in all honesty, I’m struggling. By the end of March, half of it will be complete, and come August, I will not only have my MFA, but the manuscript to a novel in my possession. If this doesn’t produce anxiety in you than I’m not sure what will—we’re talking 80k+ words in eight short months... but I’m trying to focus on a daily word count, and see what I can accomplish on a smaller scale, rather than get swept away by the big, looming picture as I did just a few days ago.

This year I will visit Israel and Egypt—and who knows where even else—I haven’t had the time to think about it. I will fly my eighth year, and hopefully be able to hang my wings in retirement at the close of it.

In a few short weeks, I will be 31 and I will struggle to accept that fact. Where does time go? Why does it seem to go by so fast anymore—and will it ever slow down? I’m looking forward to a more relaxing year but know that I’m lying to myself in even simply hoping for it. I will feel lost, defeated, and at times, hopeless. And I need to be okay with that.

I know one thing for sure, and it is this: I will write. This year, I will write so much, it actually terrifies me. But that’s what life is all about, and what I want to conquer more of in my thirties: my fears. I will cry, and sing, and fight, and fuck and be tired as I do it all, surely. I will explore, I will stay in, and I may even get a taste of some of that sweet, sweet, legal marijuana Chicago now offers.

I look forward to a year full of uncertainties, and I look forward to looking back on it in a short amount of time and seeing how much I’ve grown from where I currently am now.

Happy New Year, friends—and remember—just because a year has a specific expiration, we don’t have to align our hopes and aspirations along with it. Grow for yourself, and bloom when you can. Who cares if it’s in the middle of winter, or the first week of June. Symmetry isn’t natures strong suit, and we should stop forcing our expectations to line up with a silly calendar. Live how you want to live for you, and the rest is just decoration. This is my resolution for the new year—not to set expectations—and to instead let each chapter unfold naturally, to let each page feel crisp and unread under my eager, oily fingertips. Cheers.

[missyordiway]

Taking Care of Yourself-Top 10 Fundamentals Handbook

This article was originally published on missyordiway.com. Follow Missy Ordiway to learn how to Achieve Your Greatness in life.

When you grow up and you realize all the things that consist of taking care of yourself, it’s understandable why we don’t follow through.

The truth behind the matter is it shouldn’t be a chore to do the things that we need to do. We have the knowledge, and for some reason, the adults in us just don’t want to adult.

We make things so damn difficult that whatever you face, you are challenged.

Life doesn’t have to be that way.

What if the challenge starts with your thinking and beliefs?

Open your mind, pretend you don’t know anything and let this inspire you so that that it is a no brainer to do the things included.

TRUST THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

1. Don’t take on too much.

These days it’s like we show up to the buffet and want to eat all the food for our entire lifetime in one meal.

On top of that, we have such a deficit to attention and what to focus that attention on.

Then when the next thing comes up it takes our attention away, and we work diligently to get back to our original task.  That’s way too much work!

We want to be able to do all the things we need to do, all the things we want to do and then everyone else’s to do’s also.

We need to learn to say no and not feel guilty about it. We can’t do it all and that’s ok.

Trust me when I say, someone else will be there to take on the task you said no to and people will still like you afterwards.

2. Slow Down.

I believe in an inside out reality, which means the things that you think and believe create the way you envision the world.

Therefore, when we look at the chores, the work, the kids, the relationships and then try to fit ourselves in, it’s too overwhelming. Then we quit before we ever get to us.

These are our thoughts bogging us down with negativity about our circumstances.

If you treat time with scarcity then you will never have enough, the same goes for money. Just saying.

There will be time for everything you need to do. If you let your brain get you in a tizzy about it all, then you will be of no use to yourself or anyone else.

3. Listen to your intuition.

We all need a break sometimes.

When you have a ton to do and your intuition is telling you now is not the time, listen up!

What has happened for so long is that we have decided to ignore our intuition and be human doers. We need to listen to our inner beings.

This makes a huge difference in the way we show up in this world for ourselves and others.

When we are in tune with our intuition we create a space where there isn’t resentment or resistance to our circumstance.

This is one of the best ways I can teach you to take care of yourself and as a result this makes for a much happier you. Sounds nice, right? Give it a shot.

REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT YOUR RESULTS

In life, we are so used to making judgments on everything and everyone, including ourselves.

Who told you it was bad or wrong to fail?

The failures I have had in life have taught me many lessons, about myself, such as;

I continue my efforts even when I don’t achieve the results I want because I am committed to the outcome.

When you commit to your outcome assessing along the way, your result changes and so does your course of action.

See how the following can help you be open to the possibilities and opportunities that life presents you.

4. Have a direction to focus in.

Without a clear direction, there cannot be a destination you will reach.

Most people want to figure out the plan; the what, when, where, why and how they will get there.

We cannot predict the outcome. No matter how much we plan.

When we get attached to “The Plan”, we cause unnecessary suffering on the journey.

When you know what you want and start in that direction without a plan, you won’t believe the possibilities.

They will be limitless because you aren’t attached to things looking a certain way.

Assess each action by looking at the outcome derived from the action.

Ask questions- Is this working? If not, what can I do differently? Even assess your own actions.

Assessment doesn’t say what is good/bad or right/wrong, only what’s work/not working.

5. Set your Priorities.

Get organized by setting your priorities and then set your schedule.

You need to prioritize what needs to be done first.

How many times have you had a to-do list and wasted time doing the unnecessary items?

If we don’t prioritize then time slips away, and we cause stress on ourselves that could have been avoided.

If you have the leisure where nothing needs to be done first, then trust your instincts and do what you are led to do first.

Regardless, things will always work out for you and having less stress will make your life so much more enjoyable.

6. Minimize your distractions.

Make sure that when you begin taking action you create a space to avoid distractions while you accomplish your tasks.

We tend to let disruptions occur. Those disruptions usually come in the form of other people’s urgent wants to have their needs met.

There is a sense of urgency in the world to get things done.

You can get interrupted by people, social media, email, phones and a million other things if you don’t minimize the distractions.

Think of our amazing rescue workers and how focused they need to be. I’m sure you can guess why. Lives are at stake!

Your time matters, and lives may not be at stake nevertheless your time is valuable.

Treat it as such by minimizing your interruptions.

STRENGTHEN YOUR SPIRIT

You work out your body, you learn to feed your mind and what are you doing to strengthen your spirit?

I can almost bet there is a nagging inside of you that you are ignoring so very well. And it’s begging you to enhance your inner disposition.

We all have that internal calling and most of the time, we just don’t listen.

Our ego takes over and talks us into doing the same stuff to keep us safe and in our comfort zone.

Your ego also likes to be right about all the lies we tell ourselves, so let’s just shut that voice up.

If you want to find out how, read on.

7. Improve Connections.

We all live for connection.

Some of us tell ourselves that no one cares, then recoil into depression and shut out everyone who really does care.

Connection is essential to our existence.

Believe it or not, we can never be disconnected, our thoughts would tell us otherwise.

Taking care of yourself consists of staying involved with other people, especially when you don’t want to.

People in our lives support us in our breakdowns and in helping to redirect us when we feel lost.

They help us get out of our heads when we are in our crap and lift us up when we are playing small.

We have so much to give to one another in connection; and yet, we still prefer to believe we are alone, that no one “gets” us and that we must do everything all alone.

Sharing your pain with others usually will lead to a “Me too” ending where a connection becomes stronger.

I also have found that the best way to get out of my shit is to help someone else get out of theirs.

The lesson in whatever message you deliver is meant for you just as much as it is for them.

8. Meditate.

Yes, I’m saying it because you already know, and I am just as guilty.

I don’t take the time to meditate as much as I should.

There’s no wrong way to do it, just find the space between your thoughts.

Meditation doesn’t necessarily mean sitting in a corner chanting “Ohm.”

It can mean running, swimming, hiking, biking and even driving.

We put so much thought and meaning into whether we are doing it right and how to do it, that we never do it.

That makes a lot of noise and work in our head.

When you learn to find the space between your thoughts you will be in the quietest place you will find on this planet. Of course, some of you lucky ones are already blessed with knowing how. So why should you meditate?

When you quiet your mind, you make room for insight. Sight from within.

Your insight will always guide you with limitless possibilities, no plan to get attached to and only the next logical step.

9. Do What You Enjoy.

This is completely up to you.

For some people it’s eating well and exercise, for others it’s an ice cream cone and a cuddle on the couch.

We all know how to treat our bodies and what is important for the longevity, survival and well being of our physical forms.

So why aren’t we doing it?

Instant gratification is at our fingertips.

In this millennium, we can have more surgery, take more pills and have more convenient access to crap food then we have time to do the work, plan and fit time in for ourselves.

We have so much pain from our thoughts around doing the things that we know are in our best interest.

When it’s only a decision to get up 20 minutes earlier, purchase healthier foods and snacks, just do whatever it takes to get stuff done.

We don’t enjoy not accomplishing what we said we would and that’s mostly what we end up doing.

There’s nothing wrong with that; and, when you come from a place of commitment, you will always keep your word, even if that means being on time to something that is not trivial.

So just stop committing to things you don’t want to do, it doesn’t make you happy and it makes no sense to make yourself suffer intentionally.

10. Let it go.

We talk a lot about the circumstances that we have had to endure in life and we put a lot of guilt and shame on ourselves for things we can’t change.

That’s heavy energy.

I don’t know what your story is and I’m certain there is pain in your history.

However, what holds us in an unfit or diseased state in our physical form is the inability to accept ourselves for who we are and not beat ourselves up about it.

Letting something go implies an action to the process.

Movement is key because it frees up the trapped energy inside of you. Emotion is energy in motion.

Energy that was meant to flow through you.

In some situation, you were resistant to whatever was at the current moment, rather than being the conductor or the space for the energy to move.

Dance, exercise, walk, swim, run or shake it off.

That energy is weighing you down.

It’s a weight that you have been carrying for all your years on this earth.

Don’t drag into the future what deserves to stay in the past.

Most of what I’ve written are things you already know; I ask you to pretend you didn’t know so that you would see something new.

If you aren’t willing to look at your daily practices of taking care of yourself then life will never change.

Life can be just as easy as we’ve discussed here, I encourage you to start with looking at how much you are doing.

Begin to eliminate things of less importance so you aren’t doing so much.

When life gets tough, as it sometimes will, reach out to me for coaching or purchase my Phoenix Program Workbook, either will start you on the path to achieve the greatness within you. Helping others recognize their greatness is my specialty.

[zinematographic]

An opinion you can take or leave but I’m irked and had to vent: Links to and discussion of nsfw art so be aware.

As many have reported before, the Vogue magazine article/headline featuring Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid is flawed, but, I cannot help but discuss how the Fluid parody zine is also guilty of perpetuating shallow ideas of gender fluidity. Where Vogue magazine ignorantly conflates fashion trends with gender identity, the zine instead portrays Zayn and Gigi in overtly sexual situations swapping clothing again as well as sexual dynamic. This merely shows another kind of costume all the while posturing as a superior view of the subject. Both works fail to consider how the stereotypes they play into create a false narrative of the already misunderstood subject of gender.

To start in on Vogue, who kicked off this discourse in their atrocious failure to connect their narrative of gender fluidity with actual gender fluid subjects, they have been reprimanded by countless publications and blogs for their transgression against the queer community. It is obvious that the magazine has a responsibility to be more thoughtful going forward, rethink their commodification of queer identity as a trend to be sold, and ideally hire real queer non-binary and gender-fluid people behind the scenes. Whether they will do that is yet to be seen but I hope they will make good on their apology.

I honestly don’t know what Zayn and Gigi’s involvement in the conceptualization of the photoshoot or in the article, written by Maya Singer. What I do know is that at no point in the article do either party ever falsely claim to be gender-fluid. What question prompts their discussion is never given and they literally only talk about the subject of Vogue magazine, clothing. For all of Singer’s questionable posturing and quotes from other designers in the article that are flawed, there is only one small discussion directly quoted from Zayn, Gigi, and her brother Anwar in the entire article. I’m quoting them here just for sheer clarification.

“I shop in your closet all the time, don’t I?” Hadid, 22, flicks a lock of dyed-green hair out of her boyfriend’s eyes as she poses the question. “Yeah, but same,” replies Malik, 24. “What was that T-shirt I borrowed the other day?” “The Anna Sui?” asks Hadid. “Yeah,” Malik says. “I like that shirt. And if it’s tight on me, so what? It doesn’t matter if it was made for a girl.” Hadid nods vigorously. “Totally. It’s not about gender. It’s about, like, shapes. And what feels good on you that day. And anyway, it’s fun to experiment… .” Anwar, eavesdropping, pipes up. “We’re chill!” he calls out from a picnic table not far away. “People our age, we’re just chill. You can be whoever you want,” he adds, ambling over, “as long as you’re being yourself.”

That is what everyone is so up in arms at, the fact that they answered a question that was probably akin to, “do you think about gender when you get dressed?” The quotes have endlessly been taken out of context and caused many to accuse the pair of appropriating queer identity. This scrutiny has also apparently opened the door for Gigi and Zayn to be drawn in sexually explicit situations and for that art to be given credence in Out magazine. In regards to the Fluid zine, drawn by Chicago based artist Zain Curtis (who also goes by the moniker Teen Witch Fan Club) I will first state what my initial thoughts on seeing it were, whether they are true of its nature or not. I considered it to be petty revenge porn. It seemed to me to say, “if you really wanted to play in the gender sandbox you should have done this.” I understand that it is a parody meant to incite a reaction. Its commentary is not lost on me and yet it comes off as an uncomfortable reminder of how society so easily disconnects celebrity from humanity. I know that not many people care about Zayn or Gigi’s feelings in this situation, especially not over the titillation or humor they will feel towards Curtis’ art, but I also don’t think to objectify them in this way helps anyone further understand gender fluidity. If anything it only further muddies the mass confused roles of sexuality and gender that exist in mainstream culture already. The art, which shows Zayn in a corset for the cover with the daring words “Z & G Get Radical” makes the performance of gender as shallow as the images of Zayn and Gigi blandly posing in suits. If the real cover was like that Zayn would still not be gender-fluid. If the following zine art showing Gigi pegging a submissively laid out Zayn was included, they still would still, not be gender-fluid. The artist clarifies that they don’t think this is “correct way to present gender fluidity, just my spin on it” but, in his use of Zayn and Gigi as the subjects he still presents gender-fluid identity as a costume. The hypersexualization of celebrities is not new or transgressive, especially coming from someone who has already taken advantage of Zayn’s image for profit. In the past Curtis put out another for profit zine of Zayn in sexually explicit positions, this work too was marked as social commentary “exploring the sexuality of someone who maybe had to repress it, while at the same time, it was being sold as a product to audiences.” It’s hard to take that comment seriously when on a microcosmic level Curtis was doing the same thing to Zayn with his art, taking away his autonomy over his image. The zine got a lot of coverage in appearing on sites and blogs such as OK Magazine and MTV as well as others. I don’t know if it achieved viral status exactly but the point is a lot of people saw representations of Zayn naked without his consent and that doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not a prude and everyone can draw whatever they want however they want. I respect that fully but I do wonder if the subject of his zine had been a woman would the media so easily and jokingly have shared those images with their readers? When a big site does the same now, sharing the images and endorsing the sale of the zines they only further perpetuate the culture they claim to be against. A culture that sees queering the bodies of straight cis celebs as representation. People salivating over the idea of Zayn in a corset is just as much as a misdirection from real gender issues as him in a bejeweled jacket and when people realize that maybe real progress can be made.

[lescurieuxcaryl]

The Modern Vice.

On a fine young lazy afternoon, had it ever occurred to you that some things are not the way they used to be and how you wish they could still be the way they used to be? On this modern time, have you ever prayed that “God, I wish it was 1980s or 1920s all over again” you know, just back to the time when you actually had to go out to meet people personally just to hang out and have a good laugh instead of scrolling through your phone lurking for some share-worthy meme to make yourself have short-term dopamine (feel-good hormone). Ride a bike or something. Eat an ice cream maybe. To the time when chivalry is considered normal and not such a superficial thing or ‘high standard’. To the time when you actually talk to people during parties allowing yourself to be at the most awkward state, instead of avoiding everything (the awkward and the good states) by holding your phone pretending to be ‘cool.’ To the time when love is not one messenger wave away. And to the time when if you want to get to know people, you’d really go the extra mile to get to know them (well, personally), instead of stalking them through their social media accounts, already pre-judging them, and thinking, “hmm, this one’s quite cool” or “nah, I ain’t getting close with this one” even though you haven’t really met them yet (but you think that you do based on what they post on their accounts).

Yeah, I think I’m born on the wrong era too. But, what is really getting in the way for us to connect with others? To meet new people? To learn new things? To do something a lot more worthy instead of watching the highlights of other people on social media?

It’s actually social media itself and our addiction to it. Based on my guilty-pleasure-personal-research, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and the likes of them are created to be addictive – kinda like the effect that cocaine gives you. So, technically speaking, some of the people reading this are addicts (oof). 

Social media has become a platform to please other people, to construct yourself in a way that is “acceptable” in society. It has become a digital pyramid of who could have the best life and the one with the best posts portraying the socially considered “best life” wins. In effect, we tend to compare ourselves to them, we tend to become sad because our lives are far different from how good their lives are, we tend to even copy what they do in the anticipation of having the same life as well. You feel pressured to post. You feel like you have an obligation to your friends or followers to constantly update them with your life. Some of us feel the need to be exposed to get more likes, more comments, more followers, etc. as if those things are the key to success. Well, fact check: they’re not. Now, after you had posted everything you did earlier this morning, you still feel disconnected. Thoughts like “what if this person sees my story, what would he/she think of me” or “im so ugly here I should have not posted this” or “maybe people would laugh at me if they see this” run to your head. Now, the next time you post something, it’s all about how people would like it. It’s about anticipating how many people would react to this meme I’m about to share or whatever. It’s about what people would expect of you to do next. It’s about other people now. Are you getting the cycle? Still, it’s ya ain’t stopping, because hey, you’re gettin’ digitally famous. But are you connected in real life?

We think we already know people when they once reacted to our posts or when you stalked their twitter accounts. The effort of saying hello to them in person, inviting them to share a meal, or just hang out with them are so infrequent nowadays. 

Social media changes us. It changes things. It’s a social construction site of false perfection and connection. Yet, we are inclined to it. We tend to spend a lot of effort to fix our feeds, our timelines, to edit photos, but we forget how to talk to our parents, to meet new friends, to listen during class discussions, to learn new things, to do recreational activities, to be ourselves, and to even have our quiet-peaceful moments with Him.

Sooooo, if I had made any sense (if any), try to limit going online. It’s not like you’d be left out, trust me, I’ve experienced not going online for almost a year, but it was one of my happiest moments in my life. Go out. Read. Learn new things. Meet new people. Learn from them. Write a song maybe. Write a poem. Play sports or anything. Dance. Discover cool music. Value simple life events. Enjoy the underrated things like getting a good nap. Have a solid time with God. Just, walk on your own life’s timeline and not compare yourself with other people’s seasons of triumph and stop tryna please others.

If I had not made any sense at all, iz cool though, sorry for wasting like 5 minutes of your lives haha.

Just please remember, life is so much more than what’s happening on social media (the modern vice). And that “more” I’m talking about are the things you’ll only find out when you distant yourself from these tools.

Ps: I am not disregarding the benefits that social media gives (e.g. being able to reach out relatives from abroad, seeing old friends, being updated/informed with local and international news). Let’s just be mindful of how much time we spend on it compared on how much time we spend on actually spending time with others personally. 

Food for thought: Has social media become more of a distraction to you rather than a platform that helps you grow as a person?