#that sometimes comes up when i see smth triggering but the cause here is not the same

[nishikitty]

smth very cathartic abt reading things where two people with fucked up pasts fall in love and get to be happy together but also ow owowow owww owie etc

[deezneezz]

Leona & ADD

I got a few ppl (on twitter) wanting me to elaborate on Leona and ADD, so I figured I will share my thoughts here as well, please be nice it's just a personal hc. You don't have to agree at all!! Since it contains some personal experiences I ask of people to please be kind about it!

Anyway, Leona and ADD.

I think a lot of people usually agree on Floyd and Kalim having ADHD, but Leona actually shows a lot of lesser talked about traits of ADHD. Namely Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), sensitivity to clothing/textures (he doesn't like restrictive clothes).

He also has the more commonly talked about traits of course, executive dysfunction being a big one. And his depression definitely exacerbates these traits, when i was undiagnosed and depressed i used to sleep my entire days away. I wasn't getting anything done anyway.

Not to mention not sleeping properly, so I was desperate to find moments to sleep during the day. I've slept on floors, on toilets, in an abandoned corner in uni instead of going to class. I was just *so* tired all the time I didn't want to sit in class, I wanted to sleep.

I was lucky I passed classes without studying, cause i would've never gotten through uni otherwise. I still took longer than necessary. The moment my support system (Ruggie, anyone?) graduated and left I had no one taking care of my basic needs, and I certainly didn't.

I had a dorm mate who cooked for me, made sure I had even an ounce of self-care, and also looked at my room and said "hmm, Deniz, maybe it's time to clean up a little" and then I very reluctantly admitted that it may have gotten a little out of hand.

She would just sit in my room sometimes chilling around while I cleaned cuz that was one of the few ways I cleaned at all (this is a real thing for ADHD, called body doubling. It works). Ruggie arriving at NRC and Leona suddenly performing tons better in school is no coincidence.

Coming back to RSD.. I mean I don't really have to explain it do I.. book 2, Lilia's scathing remarks, the shame of disappointing his dorm, etc. I know a lot of ppl call book 2 an 'overreaction' but like, this is genuinely what it feels like internally when RSD triggers

book 6 too, Jamil's over-protectiveness is clearly (to the audience) smth that's mostly Jamil's own habits and trauma doing. But to Leona it's a rejection/insult to his ability to take care of himself, his skill, etc. This was genuinely smth that set me off too.

"How dare you try to explain to me smth I already know, do you think I'm stupid?" "You're not like me." The unwillingness to admit that someone may be relatable in any way because making any comparison to yourself makes you vulnerable to what you haven't achieved for yourself.

"I would ace these classes too if I wasted my time and life studying as much as they did, but I actually love myself." <- guy who was jealous and did not know he was coping and didn't study cause of executive dysfunction and concentration issues.

Leona clearly knows a lot about the things he genuinely cares about, Ancient spell language, chess, magishift, so its kind of funny to see him so low effort in classes. Though honestly i know the game also says that "Leona already knows all this stuff" so.. who knows really...

Now I'm more chill but I used to legitimately go off the handle a little cuz RSD doesn't really care about whether the shit u feel is proportional to the offence it physically hurts in your chest and you just wanna burn down the world at that exact time and... IS THAT NOT LEONA...

TLDR: give Leona therapy and meds, lol.

[stupidloafofbread]

I feel like you need more rcp on your blog so I’m going to ask the forrrr….silly headcannons! (any character in rcp btw) :3

Yeah I've uh, been lacking on that-

ANYWAYS UHH

Hcs you say? Bout time I redo these!

Starting with least to possibly most:

Jin!

- was raised in a house that would tend to broken vehicles, yet her mother was a bit of a...✨bitch✨ who always had planned for Jin to be exactly like her: running the broomstown rescue team. Well she got what she wanted, yet jin was MUCH nicer than her mother. But that's a story for another time ;3

- she had a brother. Keyword "had". Her little brother whose name was Hendrix died due to neglect from her mother. How did he die exactly? Poison.

- Anyways happy hc now: even if she bickers with helly, she sees him as a sorta little brother. ( =>)

Alr, now Amber

- As I've mentioned before, she can throw syringes at someone pretty easily. She's done it before (by accident!) to helly-

Now, this one may be triggering but I'm sorry :(

- orphan. Why? Basically her family had her put in a "special" school. She had two sisters but that now is only a memory. Why? Well that school had smth bad happen to it: a uh, school shooting.

Anyways happy hc now-

- Loves baking for her and her friends or people she cares about!-

Okay stopping with amber.

Onto Poli!

- Siren go weewoo/j I didn't know what to put here lmao

- Sometimes, he looks after the more "younger" residents if there's anything that comes up with their guardian(s) and takes them for a tour around the rescue station!

- Still, scared of caterpillars :3 (hey, I don't like them either, so he ain't alone/j)

- gets dragged into chaos with Helly sometimes (either willingly because boredom or forcibly-)

- like some people, I hc him to be able to speak korean mostly because I think he was raised in Korea✨

And now Roy (who I actually don't have that much for but screw it✨)

- got taught korean by poli just to mess with the others because why not. (I'll let y'all decide what they talk about✨)

- knows other languages but prefers to stick with English :3

- if a STH show exists in their world, his favorite character would be knuckles (polis favorite would be sonic, helly's favorite is tails and Amy✨)

- Now, if you don't specify a thing your giving him isn't edible, he will immediately eat it. Don't ask why, he just does.

Okay helly time✨

- Asexual son of a bitch/j

- oh and trans :> (FtM?)

- he has a whole bunch of scars from falling and running into things

- honestly, he doesn't care if you use they/them or he/him when referring to him

- as stated before, favorite sonic characters are: Tails, Amy, Silver and Charmy

- surprisingly, likes horror books! And no, they actually don't cause him nightmares-

- surprisingly good at playing Pac-Man and has beat poli's high score multiple times (thats the only thing they can't stand about each other/j)

And that's all of them for now!

Thanks dust :3

- Bread

[borntoocry]

Could you do one where reader and Ellie are best friends and Ellie is over protective of reader, then one day while Ellie is on patrol reader “accidentally” sends Ellie a cheeky picture then sends a message straight after saying “sorry wrong person” or smth and Ellie gets jealous and rushes over to wherever reader is (at home, garden etc) and Ellie is angry and reader reassures Ellie and confesses??? then we all know what happens next.

Btw they both secretly like each other.❤️

i’m sitting here a tiny bit confused cause do phones exist in the tlou universe? (i don’t mean for this to come off as rude!!) BUT, i’ll do u one better. i’ll change it a bit but it'll have like the same plot.

p.s. sorry anon for the late answer. I've been a sad bitch. also, listened to trigger by hayley williams as I wrote this so listen to it:)

word count: 2.0K

YN was a girl not many people enjoyed talking to. She was a ball of fire, except she wasn’t feisty or argumentative, or crazy. She was bright, but not fiery. So… maybe a ball of rainbows: bright, colorful, talkative and kind. No one enjoyed her company because they knew she would ramble on and on about animals, the ecosystem, the books she did and didn’t read. The only person who enjoyed her presence was Ellie. 

Ellie glared at the people who scanned YN–their eyes ready to burst and attack YN if she even got close to them. She  enjoyed protecting YN, because while the girl only saw the good in people, Ellie saw their true intentions. And most of them were never good. 

That’s why, when YN started seeing a guy Ellie sometimes went on patrol with, she tried pushing YN away. The guy, Jacob, didn’t actually enjoy listening to YN, he only enjoyed looking at her breasts through her low-cut long sleeves and staring at her ass in her tight jeans. She was oblivious, because Jacob said all that she wanted to hear. Not only that, but he would eavesdrop on her and Ellie’s conversations, picking up all the things that she liked so he could somehow find them out on patrol and take them home to her. That was the only kindness Jacob held, because in all other aspects of the guy, he was a complete asshole. 

Ellie hated Jacob, which worsened his title of ‘asshole.’ He was lazy on patrol, and one time he left her to die when they came across a group of runners in an empty building. She hated the guy, more than her heart could carry. But YN adored him. 

Which left her questioning her mind. Had she gone insane? Was it just the effect YN had on her? Of course Ellie liked her, but was she sure that it was in a romantic way? YN and Ellie had been best friends since the first day Ellie entered Jackson. They shared absolutely every secret, memory, joke, etc. In the first few years, Ellie only felt platonic love for YN. But when she turned 17, her vision shifted, her heart shifted, and she began seeing YN as a potential love interest–along with her best friend. 

Ellie was sitting outside of a farmhouse alongside Jacob. Ellie was picking at flowers in the grass and Jacob was digging through his backpack. She was starving, but she had a heavy breakfast before patrol, therefore she thought she could make it through the day. So she sat there, ready for Jacob to eat his lunch so they could leave. 

She had a dandelion between her fingers when she heard Jacob chuckle. She disregarded it at first, but two seconds later, the chuckle turned to quiet laughter. She slowly turned her head and saw that he had a polaroid picture between his fingers. 

Ellie’s eyes creased as she tried to catch a glimpse at the picture, but Jacob quickly noticed and said, “Oh, you wanna take a look?” 

“What is it?” Ellie asked, needing to know before he showed her some sick bullshit. His friends were known for being some kind of satanists that performed witchcraft on animals or something. At least that’s what she heard from some kids. And she believed kids–they had no reason to lie. 

Jacob turned the picture around and her heart quickly sank. She snatched the picture from his hand and turned it around, trying to see if it was some kind of joke–but how could it have been? It was a damn polaroid picture. 

“What the fuck is this?” she asked him, her voice loud and clear incase Jacob’s pea brain didn’t understand. 

“What?” he still asked, causing Ellie to reach over and pull his shirt collar. 

“What the fuck is this picture? Did you make her do this?” she spat. 

“No,” he laughed. “Why the fuck would I force her to take a naked picture of herself?” 

Ellie shoved him away and stood up, her fingers still grasping the picture. Jacob fell back and slammed his head against the fence. He winced but quickly stood up as he saw Ellie grabbing her backpack off the ground, his picture still in her hold. 

He followed after her as she grabbed Shimmer and jumped on. “You can’t take that.” 

“Tell me why she took this and I’ll–” Ellie shut up after her sentence, because no way was she going to return the picture. He didn’t deserve it. He was a worthless piece of shit who didn’t value YN’s rambling, her kindness, her smile, and most certainly not her body. “Just tell me why she took this.” 

“I don’t know why!” he exclaimed. 

“Really?” Ellie asked, almost like she was going to pull her gun out and shoot him if he didn’t answer truthfully. 

Well… she did… She pulled her gun out and aimed it at him. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yelled. 

“Just tell me why this would be in your backpack and I’ll be on my way.” 

“I don’t know!” he yelled again. “Dude, we’re just talking. She doesn’t want to have sex yet so I said we could build up to it. She could start off with taking naked pictures and–” 

Ellie hopped off Shimmer–gun still pointed at Jacob–and walked over to him. “You’re telling me that instead of starting at making out, you just said, ‘Oh! Take a fucking nude?! Are you stupid?” 

“She didn’t want to make out!” 

Ellie shut her eyes and slammed the side of her gun against Jacob’s face. He fell onto the floor and shouted in pain, spilling out expletives as he cried. 

Ellie hopped back onto Shimmer and rode back to Jackson, where she ran to YN’s house the second she left Shimmer at the stables. She rapped both of her fists against YN’s bright yellow door and didn’t stop until she heard an, “Okay! Okay! Coming.” 

She dropped her hands down and dug into her jacket pocket for the picture. By the time she retrieved it, YN had opened the door with a worried expression on her face. 

“Hey,” she said as she looked Ellie over. When her eyes landed on the picture, she placed her hands on the doorframe and began shaking her head. “I already know you’re going to want to come in and talk about it but I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Ellie ran a hand down her face and sighed. “You don’t have to talk. I’ll do all the talking.” 

YN shook her head. “Stop. I don’t want you to know about it.” 

“Well I already do, YN!” Ellie shouted. “Are you an idiot? Why would you do this? Give that jackass a nude picture of yourself?” 

YN shut her eyes at the loudness of her voice and grabbed Ellie’s arm, pulling her inside and shutting the door. She leaned against the yellow door and covered her face in embarrassment. Her best friend, someone she trusted more than anyone, knew about her nude pictures. She didn’t want anyone to know about them, not even Ellie. Because if she knew, she would cry. She would cry because deep down inside, YN wished it was Ellie she was giving the picture to. Not Jacob. 

“Why are you crying?” Ellie asked. She was standing in front of YN now, the picture in between her fingers. She wasn’t looking at it, it felt wrong knowing it wasn’t for her. 

“I’m not crying,” YN exclaimed, but she was. She was simply trying to hide her tears. 

“Yes, you are, I can hear it. Why?” 

“Why do you think?” 

Ellie finally looked down at the picture and studied it. She shouldn’t have, but she couldn’t hold back. YN’s body was angelic. Her breasts sat beautifully on her body, her cunt was hidden behind a small bush, and her legs tried their best to cross one another, hiding her cunt just a bit more. An arm was beneath her breasts, pushing them up as if she wanted to make them look perkier. But YN didn’t need that. She didn’t need to push anything up, suck anything in, hide anything. She was beautiful. 

Ellie placed the picture into YN’s pocket and whispered, her voice broken, “I don’t know why you gave it to him.” 

YN pulled her hands away from her face and let them settle on her collarbone. Her cheeks and eyes were red and her lips had now fallen open, searching for both words and air. Her eyebrows drew in as she scanned Ellie’s face. 

“What do you mean, El?” 

“Why did you give the picture to him? He doesn’t deserve you. He’s an asshole that only wants you for your body and nothing else. Don’t you see that?” 

YN shook her head and wiped her tears away. She straightened out her limp body to appear taller and said, “You sound jealous. Just drop it, El.” 

“No. Tell me why it’s him!” 

“Because!” YN shouted. “He was the next best person.” 

“How? Ellie asked, rushing after YN who left her place against the door and was walking to her room. She had no clue why she was chasing after Asshole-Jacob when she could… Well, she could have her. YN could have Ellie, because Ellie had come to a conclusion that she wanted to be YN’s girlfriend. She wanted to care for her like a girlfriend, not only a best friend. “Please tell me, YN, I’m getting desperate here!” 

Ellie walked into YN’s room and shut the door behind her, as if anyone else lived in this house. It belonged to Ellie and YN, no one else. 

YN was crying but had now faced Ellie, knowing she would finally tell her best friend why. “Because I can’t have you. So I went after someone who was close enough to you. I thought that if I went after them, I’d have a chance at attracting you.” 

“So this was why you placed this in his backpack? To get my attention?” 

YN shrugged. “Sorta.” 

“Sorta?” Ellie raised an eyebrow. 

YN was embarrassed. She threw herself onto her bed and placed her hands on her knees. She was leaning over, feeling like she might just throw up. “I don’t know. He wanted to have sex and I wasn’t ready yet, so I said we could do something else.” 

“What’d he say?” Ellie asked, even though Jacob had already told her. 

“He said we could make out.” 

“And?” 

YN scoffed. “He’s an awful kisser.” 

Ellie shifted. “So what happened?” 

“He said I could send him a picture one day before he went off to patrol.” YN ran a hand over her face. “I don’t know why I did it. I don’t even like him. I acted like it was you I was posing for. I thought that if I just acted like he was you, I’d get through it. But it’s not working out.” 

Ellie walked over to YN and got down on her knees. She placed her hands on YN’s face and lips. “You don’t like him,” she stated. 

YN shook her head with a small smile. “I don’t like guys.” 

Ellie laughed. “I hoped so.” 

YN leaned down and kissed Ellie’s forehead. “I’m sorry.” 

“For?” 

“Giving him that picture.” 

Ellie shook her head and kissed YN’s nose. “It’s okay. It’s mine now. But if you ever–ever!--give someone a naked polaroid of yourself, I swear I’ll rip their body apart.” YN rolled her eyes at what she thought was sarcasm, but Ellie was being serious. “This isn’t a joke. If someone even looks at you because they think you’re hot, I’ll kill them.” 

“Shut up,” YN said, slapping Ellie’s shoulder. “You wouldn’t.” 

“You don’t want to know what happened to Jacob.” 

YN’s eyes blew up and she shoved Ellie away. “What the hell did you do? Did you actually kill him?” 

Ellie laughed. “No!” She lifted her hand and waved it around. “Just slapped him around a bit.” 

“It doesn’t look like you slapped him.” 

“I said I slapped him, but I didn’t say I just used my hand…” 

“You prick!” 

“He deserved it for messing with my girl. Fuck Jacob and his probably small dick.” 

[cursingcrona]

THE INTERNAL FIGHT I HAD WITH MYSELF OVER THOSE OPTIONS IS SO CONCERNING 😭😭 /sillywilly

i had to pick a neutral option because i feared like, its so stupid, but i had this thing say like "ohh wings are like so important to our relationship with apollon lets choose that" but then like "ok but if we get close enough to asmodeus for nicknames & symbols or whatever then we'll feel bad so" does that make sense????? im sorry lol

i decided to go with🦉because owls are my newest special interest at the moment, i hope thats ok!! (& speaking of nicknames, THANK YOUUU for wanting to give me a proper way of addressing, i love nicknames so much, ugh)

but, i don't wanna overwhelm you or anything with my questions, so i'll for 1 make this the last one for the day, and 2, do you have boundaries do you have that i should keep in mind?

and, you said anything can be devotional, how i can decide whats big and whats not.. thats so freeing but so worrying lol. like we know, i cant practice openly, so i try to do "discreet" things. for apollon, i paint for him, devote a plush and give offerings of matching jewelry, ect. i find it super easy to do devotional things! but, with the way i've seen people paint infernals in general online, it scares me to think i'll be like "my king!! (insert nickname or smth), i made you this!" or "i did this in honor of you!" and him going "... ok??"

i actually used to work with dionysus! (i plan to continue when i move out, but,) unfortunately i did have to distance myself and focus on a single deity, because i suck at multi-tasking my worship, and i have a serious fear of spending "too much" time with a deity, or, "too little." i don't want any of my deities to feel "unloved" or something because i feel shy or something around them at first.

i don't wanna seem weird, or cringey. especially with how sometimes i'll have to just randomly put up my pendulum or something in the middle of a conversation because my mom walked in or something.

i've seen a lot of people say "oh lucifer hates people with trauma" or something, and i know asmodeus isnt lucifer, but it's a little scary to think i'll end up ugly-crying in front of him one day and he's just gonna disappear. i really hate the thought of being abandoned, especially by my deities, so i get so skeptical of them at some point. like, apollon was reassuring me like 5 times a day or something that he wasn't tricking me, hating me, going to just pack his bags and dip out randomly, ect. and it scares me to think asmodeus is going to see my trauma, and, idk, laugh? i know it ultimately comes up to how our relationship goes, but, i genuinely feel safe with king, he doesn't scare me, per say. i just, don't know.

.. sorry if i got a little too heavy or something there! but, thank you so much for being really attentive to my long asks. it means a lot! i really appreciate the help <3

-🦉

Hi Nonnie!! I'll cover the non-religious here, then under the cut I'll dive into the ask!

I really like the Owl you chose! I wanted to keep your options narrow cause decisions scare me ^^"

I always, on all of my accounts, try to keep answers as long as I can; sometimes it's hard!

It means alot you'd even consider my boundaries!!

Honestly, I don't really care what's in my inbox! Vents, asks, questions, comments, corrections, concerns! I love it all!! If someone wanted to DM me I'd be ok there too! My only really trigger religion wise is cults, though I won't be getting into that ^^"

It's a very valid concern to worry about spending "too much" or "too little" time with your deities. I worry about that all the time with my five about to be six! I think you made the right choice going for something neutral!

I also understand, the gut wrenching fear of a deity abandoning you. It's not necessarily abandoning you. Many deities come with lessons, and once they've taught you their lessons, they'll leave.. It's sad, and hurts. When Lucifer and Lilith left me, it took everything in my power to not bawl. It hurt, but they had taught me what I needed to know, and knew I would be ok without them by my side.

Deities may be made out as if they don't want anything to do with your life outside of worship, but that's how you build a more personal relationship! Ugly crying in front of your deities isn't anything to apologize for, it's human. Naturally and truly human. You don't have to apologize for being human.

Deity work is alot, but i truly believe you'll make it through without being abandoned.

You can decide what's "big" and "little" based off anything! Expense, size, how it looks, etc!

All of these things can make something a big or little offering or devotion. But even if something dedicated to a deity isn't indicative of how worthy it is of a deity!

I think that's about all i have for this ask, very sorry it's so short!! Blessed Be 🦉 Nonnie

[nothing-ramblings]

its currently 1am in my timezone and I just made this blog on a whim because i cant stop thinling about this stupid thing isaw months ago and its too late to bother my friends about it so hi

i dont remember how long ago exactly but its been a few months- i saw a post calling ouran problematic for the whole "incest thing". at the time i ignored it cause i hate confrontation but sometimes it comes back to haunt me by which i mean annoyingly take up space in my mind

now i havent read the manga, but i did watch the qnime and i believe the post was specifically about the anime. now maybe they just quit it very early on or maybe we just have very different interpretations but the anime i watched did not in fact have any incest in it. it did have kaoru and hikaru playing with that trope at the host club, and iirc trying to shock their nanny at one point? but thats the main thing here, and it's something the anime does a lot, they are playing with the trope.

while i can understand that being enough to cause discomfort i feel like its not only inaccurate but also unfair as i feel like it discredits the way the show makes fun of these common tropes in reverse harem (the genre it's a part of). no actual incest happens in that anime, in fact both brothers happen to have a crush on haruhi as is the rule w this type of anime and i think one of them even decides to step back for his brother.

now why am i rambling about this months after i saw a random post? mostly because im trying to sleep and my brain is going in circles on this topic. but also because it does genuinely bother me.

im not comfortable with incest in the media i consume either, i also know it can be a trigger for some people (then again anything can be a trigger), and some people just dont like it because they think its morally reprehensible to even write about it, while others are huge fans of game of thrones the incest show! im not here to talk morality because thats a whole other topic about howuch you believe fiction affects reality and im not here for that, im here for a stupid too-long anime post about nothing important. the thing is calling it incest when it isn't just feels misleading and once again discredits the thing the show likes to do of mocking these tropes, its silly to point at a parody and claim its supporting the thing its actually parodying. i dont think thats how those work but i could be wrong idk!

i just think that, if you don't like somehing you watched or read or whatever, you can just say so without making up a reason to call it problematic, or taking smth out of context to call it problematic. hell idk maybe there IS smth u could call problematic about ouran, there must be seeing as no media is flawless, i just think calling the hikaru and kaoru bit "incest" kinda downplays actual incest which like. Maybe people are trying to avoid? and maybe some of those people would think the joke is gross while others wouldnt rlly care.

At least specify its not actual incest and ur just uncomfortable w them pretending to be. thats totally fair!!! just dont call it smth it isnt idk

anyway i rlly like these lil shits even if their schtick is kinda iffy kinda weird

[script-nef]

Compensation | Gojou Satoru

Category: fluff

3k words; Dinner date [5/6]

← Previous chapter | Masterlist

The door clicks behind you as you retire into your room after another day of work. Fatigue aches at your bones and the bed is soft underneath as you flop onto it. Investing in a cushiony blanket and mattress is probably one of the best decisions you made in your life. If not the best. 

Drifting away into dreamland sounds amazing. If not for All Might.

“A text is here!” 

“Toshinori…” Even though your favourite character is Hawks, there’s no way you’re not setting Yagi as your ringtone. Groaning, you blindly reach for the phone while not moving your smushed face. Comfort prioritises over the ability to breathe. 

Gojou: Hey! T minus an hour to our reservation! Get ready!

Ah, this. Gojou has made good on his promise to make up for the dinner you missed thanks to his theatrics. Something bubbles in your chest.

Since the beach incident, which ended fine with everyone happy and well-rested, something shifted. In the relationship between you and Gojou. Tensing in the neck, quicker palpitation sometimes. Like the feeling you had when you went on that flight to Shinjuku and also at the beach. Repetition is making it concerning. Maybe a trip to Shouko is overdue.

Gojou: Wear smth nice! Me: ? What? Gojou: They have a policy about ties n dresses or smth. Or we can show up in jeans n see how they react! Me: Let’s not. Gojou: K then! C you in 56 mins ;)

There it is again, the bubbles. Shaking your head to dislodge the feeling, you get ready for dinner.

Joints pop as you rise, lazily gathering towels and clothes. Something nice. If it’s a place with attire regulations, it must be pretty high-class. Or maybe he’s just messing with you to see what you would wear. Better not take any chances. 

Thirty minutes and your muscles are much looser thanks to the hot water. The fragrant smell of your shampoo and body wash puts you in a good mood as well. You quickly slip into a dress, a present Gojou got for you some time ago. It’s a soft and flowy one with intricate snowflakes decorating the ends. It became one of your favourites pretty quickly. 

Rhythmic knocks on the door alert you of Gojou’s arrival just as you’re done drying your hair. After checking in the mirror to see if everything is fine, you open your room door.

The only thing same about him from his usual self is the hair and smile. His casual outfit is replaced with a black suit, presumably the one he bought weeks ago when he tagged along with you to buy Ken-chan a present. Somehow it looks better on him now than it did before. Probably the antique hallway lighting than the department one, it just gives him a more cozy vibe. The blindfold is gone, replaced by sunglasses. His gorgeous irises are still hidden from your view. He cleans up well. 

“M’lady.” Bowing slightly, he stretches his hand out for you to take. You oblige with a giggle. The whole gentleman thing is cute.

“You’re on time for once! No, wait, you’re early!” Time seems to elude Gojou all the time. In the years you’ve known him, he’s never come to a meeting on time, let alone early. Especially ones about him by the higher-ups. There was one time where he didn’t even bother to come but Masamichi-san dragged him by the ear. Unfortunately, there’s no photographic proof which could have been used to mock him with.

“Of course I’ll come on time. Oh, you’re wearing the dress I bought you!” Gentleman vibe goes out the window, him returning to his hyperactive self. It’s still pretty cute. Where the hell is this coming from? There’s a constricting feeling in your throat. 

“Oh, you’ve never seen me wear it. It’s one of my favourites now, and I thought you’d like to see it. What do you think?” By now you’re out in the courtyard, illuminated under the moon. Skipping up ahead, you spin a bit, letting the dress flow out. He doesn’t say anything for a while. “Gojou?”

“You look beautiful.”

“Eh?”

“You look… beautiful.”

The softness in his voice catches you off guard. You stop in your track, the clothing falling and resting against your legs. This is a Gojou you haven’t met before, one with such sincerity and tenderness. He steps up, taking one of your hands in his. Something tingles inside your stomach, like fireflies buzzing around and lighting it up with warmth. What’s happening right now?

“I mean it. You’re dazzling.” 

Fire burns under your skin, originating from where he’s holding you and threatens to consume your entire body. The flutter in your stomach is nothing compared to this. Time stops. The only thing you can hear is his breathing and your heart beating. 

Moonlight cascades over him, showering him in an ethereal glow. Snow white hair shines brilliantly and something seizes at your throat. He slowly lowers his lips to meet with the back of your hand, pressing a light yet somehow heavy kiss. 

You're not moving. Not breathing. It feels like you're standing on a sheet-thin glass, a bottomless abyss underneath you. If you move even a centimeter, take even the slightest of breathes, the moment will break and you'll plummet down. 

Lungs scream at you to breathe. You can't. Not while he's still holding your hand with such gentle sincerity. Heat travels to every cell in your body and the flicker inside your stomach gets unbearable. 

The moment finally ends when his lips detach from your hand. Air slowly returns as he runs his fingers over your knuckles. When he peers down at you, there's just a momentary flash of piercing blue behind his sunglasses that makes your breath hitch. 

"Shall we go?" 

Shooting you a sweet smile, he doesn't let go of your hand and marches on forward. You barely remember to keep up, brain scrambled and chest exploding.

“This is an exclusive place. How did you get reservations this fast?”

“My stunning good looks!”

“Gojou.” 

“Apparently someone cancelled their reservations. Looks and luck. What don’t I have?”

“Humility.

“That cuts me, [Name].”

Stifling laughter, you look out of the window and onto the street. A few weeks ago the view would have been amazing, but now that you’ve experienced flying, nothing measures up to it. There hasn’t been another flight break as you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him for one, since he was so busy, but the exhilaration of the trip never quite left your body. 

When you turn your attention back to him, there’s a lit candle on the table and Gojou’s resting his head on his hand, staring at you. The intensity can be felt over his sunglasses.

“What’s up with the candlelight?”

“No idea.”

Attempts for small talk are useless. A silence sits in the air. Not the comfortable kind that you normally have with him, working in your office while he takes a nap on the sofa nearby. Or the one when he unceremoniously interrupts a break in the garden by coming up and resting his head on your lap, enjoying a soak in the sun with you. Or when you’re eating in the cafeteria together.

Something is just off here. It might be because of… his act earlier. Just thinking about it is enough to bring the blush back. But no, it's more to do with this place. It's much nicer than your school, expensive chandeliers and tablecloths, the air of refinery that everyone else naturally oozes. But it’s distant, detached. It doesn’t suit you or him. Eventually, you break.

“Why did you bring me here?” The smile disappears off of Gojou’s face and his brow scrunches in confusion.

“I thought girls liked this kind of thing!”

"Well, yeah, it’s exclusive for a reason. But I… don’t feel comfortable here. I’m grateful that you brought me here, and I appreciate all the effort you put into this to secure a place for us. It’s just that this feels way too serious to make up for a missed meal. I feel terrible that you went through all that trouble for me. I’m fine with somewhere more casual and comfortable, not the most expensive place you can take me.”

“You think this is the most expensive place I can take you? I’m wounded.” Gojou grips at his heart but the easy-going smile tells a different story. You give him a tentative smile back, worried he might be offended underneath his smile.

“Unless you want to stay here? I’m fine with that as well, this is completely up to you.”

“Nope, it’s up to you. Wanna head out then?” He holds his hand out again. You take it without a second thought. 

“Where is this?”

“My favourite restaurant! They have the best dango for dessert. And of course, the main menus are good as well.” He’s so consistent. 

Customers and chefs alike stare at you two when you walk in. Which is expected when Gojou’s dressed in an immaculate designer suit that’s in complete contrast to the humble and cozy interior of the shop. Some avert their gaze when they realise they’re being rude, but you can see them sneaking a peek from the corners of their eyes. You’re not dressed up as Gojou is, but mortification still flushes your cheeks. It gets worse when he guides you over to a table, leading you to a table by hugging you from behind. This never bothered you before so why is it affecting you so much now?

“Here you go.” He pushes a chair back for you to sit in. A server greets you with a smile, handing over the menu then disappears again. “Is this place better?”

It really is. Spices and the smell of broth leak into the eating areas, triggering your taste buds and causing you to salivate. People chatter and yell and cheer, the cacophony of noises filling the place with livelihood unlike the cold silence of the previous restaurant. This is somehow more peaceful. A smile blooms on your face. 

“This is perfect.” 

The rest of the night is smooth sailing. Gojou knows your taste in food perfectly, expertly recommending which ones to try out. The food is impeccable and the dangos are exquisite, the perfect blend of sweet and chewy. Conversation flows easily once you’re comfortable and blocking out whatever the courtyard thing was. 

He's been away for a while due to a sudden influx in curses so it's nice to have some quality time together like this. With your belly full and warmth spreading over your body, you were ready to hit the sack. 

That is, if he didn’t offer sake to end the night. 

“Hmmm sleepy…” Alcohol doesn’t taste nice. Fuzziness takes over your brain, like thoughts are all mixing with each other and the room is spinning weirdly. Closing your eyes helps. Lights are way still way too bright and it feels like sweat is pouring off you by buckets. Someone’s calling your name but the wall is so nice and cool against your blazing skin. 

“Didn’t know you’d be this much of a lightweight. Hey, hey, you with me?” Gojou’s blurry face comes into view when you open your eyes. Giggles escape you for absolutely no reason. 

“Gojou!” 

“Yes, yes, I’m here. I think you need to stop drinking. Nanami might never let me see you again.” 

“Your cheeks are so squishy!” It’s soft and smooth underneath your fingers, like he doesn’t have pores. Maybe you can’t feel pores with fingers but his skin is just that flawless. “Drop your skincare routine, baby skin.”

“You had like three cups, how are you this drunk? I already paid so let’s go back to school. Lift your arms?” You obey obediently and something warm encases you. A familiar and delightful scent assaults your nose. There’s a click, a lot of clicks, like someone’s taking a photo. You can’t be bothered looking to check. “Can you stand?”

“Mm…” 

“Guess that’s a no. Keep your eyes closed.” 

Your stomach lurches as you’re pulled onto your feet, supported by something under your arms. Cold air rushes onto your face and makes you whine. There’s a call of “thank you” which you reply in your drunken stupor with “I’ll be back!” Laughter comes somewhere from above. 

It’s dark enough outside that you can open your eyes again. Everything’s still a bit hazy but you can find your balance now.

“You think you can handle flying?” There’s really no way to tell other than to try it. So you nod.

There’s a blank memory between that decision and the moment you arrive at your doorsteps. Literally nothing. You blinked after making that choice and now you’re standing outside your room door. You would have fallen thanks to disorientation if not for Gojou supporting you by the small of your back.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” 

He stands around while you get ready to sleep, helping you tie your hair and catching you when you lose balance. After washing, you stare at him and he stares right back. The stare-off continues. He finally gets the message when you point at the dress and walks out. It’s a struggle to get out of clothes in an inebriated state but after much wrestling, you manage. 

Climbing into the bed, you’re about to actually fall asleep when there’s a knock on the door. Groans answer it because it’s way too far away. The person opposite seems to get the message and comes in. You peek and it’s Gojou with a plastic shopping bag. Sitting down and making himself comfortable on the bed, he ruffles through the bag.

“Hey, you have to drink this. It’ll help tomorrow.” He helps you sit up but pauses for a second. Your eyes flicker open. He’s looking at your body. “Are you still wearing my jacket? After you’ve changed?”

“Yup! Smells nice!” You bury your face in the lapel as if to prove a point. The grip on your arm tightens and he looks down. 

“It smells nice?” 

“Mhm. It's you. I feel like I'm being protected." He lets go of you, instead choosing to cover his face in his hands. His ears look red. Flicking it looks fun. "Gojou? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. Drink the medicine." Even with your messed up, alcohol-ridden tongue, it tastes bad. Attempts at whining and escaping is futile because he's stronger than you. "There you go. Now sleep."

He helps you down this time, brushing your hair with his fingers and cleaning up after himself. It's nice and fluffy inside the covers. Gojou takes your hand again, pressing another kiss on the back of it. Shorter than the last time but the intensity hasn't changed. 

"Don't leave." It’s basically a whisper, but Gojou freezes immediately. There's no sound for a while and you can't see what's happening because of your drooping eyelids. Alcohol is great at inducing sleep. A rustling sound and his fingers interlocks with yours. 

“You want me to stay? I’d almost say you like me.” His voice is low as well, but still with a teasing lilt, like he's trying to help you fall asleep. So considerate. Always so considerate.

"Maybe." The word trails off into a mumble. Alcohol also gets rid of your filters and the understanding of when to stop talking.

"I'm sorry, what?" 

"Dunno… You're making me feel weird things…" Digging yourself further into the covers, you try to block out even the faint lamplight. Having none of that, Gojou pulls you out from the blanket cave, ignoring your whines.

"You'll suffocate in there. I'm fine with doing CPR but Nanami might not. What do you mean by 'weird things'?" 

"I don't know… There was like… this thing inside my stomach when you did the thing out in the uh… place. My insides felt itchy and weird thanks to you. Take that!" It probably could not have been more easier to catch your fist. "Noooo, you deserve to be hit! You did something to me… That's why I feel so weird when I'm around you. Ever since the beach trip… I sometimes get heart thumps when I see you… It doesn't make sense why I'm feeling this… I don't feel it with other people…" 

In an attempt to show how annoyed you are, you try to flail around on the bed but it comes out more as a tiny jiggle. Like a caterpillar. Gojou lets out a chuckle. It sounds like he’s laughing at you. Smacking him comes to mind but you’re comfortable right now so you’ll forgive him. By now you’re just mumbling into the blanket.

"Because like… it's the same. You know? This, this… whatever this is… Like in the movies, the fluffy ones. When the girl falls in love with the guy. They show like the whole thing with like the thingies… The close up, the blush, heartbeat getting quicker in the background… Thump thump, yeah? Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Silence is his answer. You know he's still there because his hand is still connected to yours.

Sleep addles your mind. There's a whole lot of words popping up, like "Gojou" and "dinner" and "date" for some reason. But it's too late and everything is shutting down. Softly, slowly, you sink into slumber.

"Gojou?" Still nothing. "Hmmm you're asleep as well, huh? That's fine, that's good. You do so much to save everyone, you deserve a break. Like a hero… So brave, so selfless… Really stupid as well, so immature… Hn, maybe I do like you…"

"Say that again?" Oh, he's back. And he's gently shaking your hand, trying to keep you awake. But your consciousness is slipping away and soon everything turns into a pleasant hum.

The last thing you feel is something soft pressing against your forehead.

Next chapter →

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hiiii!!! 💫💕🌸🥳

Can I bother with a question... I was (re)watching that zhang qiling edit (not today) - 'cause it's so cool, btw- and I wondered if Reboot Xiaoge’s your favourite one...? And if you're up to answering, what do you think about the other adaptations? Especially (our small bean) xiao yuliang's interpretation of xiaoge?

🤗🌺💐🐰💕

Hey, my precious patootie hehe ILY it always makes me very happy knowing that you rewatch my vids <3

lol dang it, I was kinda hoping to avoid this question, just because I feel like I'd find it hella hard to explain some things, but I'll try my best and hopefully it'll make some sense xD

I'll start from afar bc I wanna try to explain my reasonings, since I don't want to go without arguments into such highly debated question lolz. I talked about this a bit in my previous asks somewhere, but not broadly as to why that one guy hit all the right spots.

So throughout the books Wu Xie always does this wonderful thing, where he very tangibly describes the feeling he gets when Xiaoge is near, I mean like the aura around him. And he always somehow does it so colorful, that this mix of safety, assurance, calmness, composure and some things I can't quite put into one noun, that he brings to him, I think everyone who've read the books can recognize as this almost magical "Xiaoge feeling". It's not just the way he acts in some dangerous situations or smth like that. It's just everything. You either have it or you don't. And here goes my first argument... to me none of them, except for Huang Junjie and Yuliang have it.

I mean it's not even the obvious stuff, it's like the way they move during the action scenes, the way they even stand and hold themselves, the way they touch Wu Xie, the tone of their voices (both of which are like soothing as fuck), little things you'd think wouldn't matter, but when you watch it and all the puzzle pieces are together, you're like... fuck yeah, thats him.

Also not really that weighty of a point, but to me there's always a joy to see that the actor who plays the character not only gets what's he's playing, but also loves it, bc it's always seen on screen. Usually when some asked about the character they play and what they have in common for example they answer with obvious things like if some character is introverted they're like "well I also don't talk very much" or smth like that, you know what I mean. When I was watching interviews of Yuliang and Huang Junjie I was just smiling so much, bc they've said such things that made me go "yeah, Qiling is safe in their hands".

In Reboot case working in such close proximity with the author definitely also played a huge role here. Bc it kinda gets complicated in some aspects since the books are written from Wu Xie's point of view and you can't only base your picture on his perspective, just bc it's coming from a person who after being basically told "you're my whole world" goes "I'm just a person he randomly passes by in his long life" in his thoughts. Not only he's utterly clueless and dumb when it comes to all this, that he wouldn't notice the way Qiling looks at him and other things, its also not that kind of book, that would go "I suddenly caught poker face looking at me like I'm his whole existence" (and I honestly don't want it to be that book lmao). So you have to take into the account here stuff like what author says to get the whole picture, bc if you look at that from the point of Qiling's view for example, this shit takes a whole wild turn. So I really loved that in UN and Reboot ways of showing Qiling's feelings were well thought out and fit the timeline.

Bc it also works both ways, when it comes to other adaptations. Like Qiling is very and I mean ETREMELY hard to win over. We all know that it was a very long process of gaining his trust and even longer for him to fall for Wu Xie to the point of him being his everything. So what I want in those interpretations is for them to get at which point of their relationships what Xiaoge's behavior makes sense. I do not need any fanservice if it ruins the character, I'll just hate it. The thing that their feelings didn't come out of nowhere is what I LOVE about this ship, bc I'm not the kind of person who believes in "we love for nothing" thing and love at first sight thing (only "got hots for each other" at first sight), bc thats bull. Wu Xie became his everything after a long LONG process of getting to know each other. At the beginning tho he was the same stranger to him as everyone else. So what Reboot Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie yet and what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what Lost Tomb's Qiling feels for Wu Xie (which at that point was nothing). And I feel like not everyone gets the fact that you can totally wreck the character if you make him behave not the way he behaved in that particular time. Like for example, if someone would make a MDZS adaptation where at the very beginning of their relationships LZ treats WWX the way he treated him after the reincarnation just because "who cares, it's still LZ", that would be dumb af, see what I mean. So Xiaoge having a weakness for Wu Xie in part one is automatically not a Xiaoge to me, bc a huge part of his character and the thing NPSS speaks a lot about is just how IMPOSSIBLE it is for someone to catch his attention and how long it took Wu Xie to get there. So let's just say to me UN and Reboot Qilings for the first time didn't feel like some mashup or character summary/parody, they were Qilings the way they are supposed to be in that part of the story, bc it was the only times someone actually bothered to coordinate it.

Now as to why I prefer one to another. Xiaoge has this thing... the way he holds himself with other people, that is sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally suppressing.

Like everyone knows that if you're a passerby, Qiling genuinely doesn't fucking care and would in fact be pretty harsh about it in terms of treating people like they do not deserve their attention. He won't be like "please, don't bother me", he simply ignored them like an empty space. He is also like that with acquaintances who in his opinion do not deserve his respect like that girl who went hysterical, bc she was upset that he was the only one who wasn't drooling on her like all other men on the crew, Chen Wenjin, Wu Xie's uncles and etc. He's not openly disrespectful unless they trigger him in some way (usually by trying to act superior or later on for not treating Wu Xie right), but if they do, he will in fact remind them their place in sometimes a very rude way, at times humiliating them in front of ppl bc he looks younger than them and talking starts.

He's always doing things on his own terms and hates being told what to do. Like he legit scared Chen Wenjin just with a look and the tone of his voice when he said "let go", when she tried to command him on the mission and grabbed him trying to lecture him about what he should or shouldn't do. That's why Wu Erbai didn't even try anything like this and let him do whatever he needed to do and equally lead the mission in Reboot. And why the scene where Wu Xie 'commands' "Xiaoge, come back" and he immediately listens holds another special place in my heart. Bc he NEVER and I mean NEVER allows such things to ANYONE.

So here I came to a point of why despite loving them both dearly, my favorite Xiaoge is Huang Junjie.

I have this dissonance with Yuliang's version when to me in many scenes it felt like he and Wu Xie are the same age. Like if he was Xiaoge, but in his 20s. In his interactions with Chen Wenjin the dynamics was turned upside down, with him being okay with her telling him what to do and just in general the way she behaved with him. Same as like I didn't always quite believe him to be on par with older generation or even Pangzi, it just felt like he was truly younger than them. Some scenes that I do find extremely cute just don't fit book Xiaoge at all, I'm talking about some moments like his face when Wu Xie gave him food, or him pouting and many things he's done, when you were going "uwu he's a baby". He just never gives me this feeling in the books ever, not just bc he's 100 years old, but sad fact here.. bc he's simply unable to behave that way. Like in the books you'll desperately want to shower him with love, but he's just... I can't quite explain, it's very sad.

I guess it's just you know these characters, who are like hundreds years old, but look like they're 18? I think you have to be very careful with how you write those, so you could deliver that. And in UN because of some changed dynamics and scenes I straight up forgot about it, until Wu Xie threw some joke like "he's an old man" in front of a restaurant.

In Reboot Xiaoge could make Wu Erbai stutter with one move, put Yuliang's version in the same scene, I just don't think it would've worked. Like I'm trying to imagine him telling UN's Wu Erbai what to do and having troubles already haha. Same as I don't think he's capable to be genuinely mad at Wu Xie, and HJJ nailed it esp in one of my fav when Wu Xie was laughing at Pangzi's joke about him catching cold. The look he gave him and how ZYL just retreated was priceless xD. And boy could Qiling get angry with him in the books!

Otherwise I didn't have any drastic fall outs there, like with Joseph's Wu Xie and Ah Ning's death, because that was just too much of a difference, but there were still moments where it was once again this the same scene completely different emotion thing. He was more tolerable to ppl in general here, more pliable. And 50% of the time he gave me the cute lost kitten type, which I just cannot connect with the feeling he gave me in the books. His personality is a cat type 100%, but like seriously "cute baby" is the last word combination I would ever apply to book Xiaoge, but with Yuliang's version it's easily applied. So small bean he is indeed. With Joseph and in UN it works incredibly perfect to me, but the way he is in UN is at times too gentle. And there are lots of scenes where Joseph himself looked at him in a way "you're too cute, let me pinch your cheeks" kind of way, or the way he like sat down next to him on the coast, he was a bit babying him at times. I can't imagine book pingxie doing that. It's just a whole different vibe, the way he takes care of him, the way he lets him take care of him... it's...uuuuuuuuu another vibe (see, I'm so good at explaining lmao).

It's also kinda funny to me, bc HJJ who's the smallest and who irl truly a kitten never once gave me that feeling on screen for some reason. The one babied and loved by every crew and old ppl, who was cutely hiding behind ZYL's back on set, who won't sue an ex who almost ruined his career bc of how stupid she is, bc he "didn't want to hurt her", who according to staff can't even step on a fly, whom CMH was petting for several minutes after he had to hit him with a prop brick bc he didn't wanna do it lmao. I was just like.. ok, this is hilarious, bc I in fact didn't expect him to be a small bean, so watching all the bts made me go LOOOOL. Probably ZYL acting like a 3 year old helped him transform and the age difference problem got lost lmao

As for other adaptations. You know I can't watch seriously "Lost Tomb", I think some ppl probably have some nostalgic feeling about it, but I'm sorry, to me it's fucking hilarious. Like I've already said it looks like some type of twilight parody thing or smth. Soft damselle Wu Xie esp killed me, bc 1st when he ever was that, 2nd in the first book he's salty af, I don't even know this dude in this interpretation, I was like who's this. YangYang I know him from other things, I really don't think it's his role. I know the script and everything is bad. I know the costume and hair are horrendously funny, but it's just I was watching him in those action scenes and was like no... just I'm sorry but I'm not feeling it. I simply just don't know what to say about the whole thing seriously, bc I don't even know where to start. 10 episodes of some salad finished with one mutilated scene from book 6 for no reason the fact that characters are weird themselves also I can't quite tell, did they really just meet or they imply smth else lmao.. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

I've given LT2 another try after finishing all the books and I've dropped it half way through, Cheng Yi wasn't even close to how I pictured Xiaoge in any aspect. He in fact didn't do anything OOC or off the book or anything, I just was like "not my Qiling". Happens sometimes.

Explore with the note you already know how I feel about this lol let's just forget.

P.S. To be fair here also maybe we should take into account the fact that some got luckier than other with "at which point" Xiaoge they're playing. Like for example, "Wrath of the Sea" and "Qingling Tree" books which is LT2 is not exactly you can say much about Qiling there, he trolls them there in the beginning (in a brilliant way that was totally lost in the adaptation) and he is there in "Wrath of Sea", but it's not the part that can make his character shine in any way, there's not much things happening there that would make you fall for him or get to know him; Yuliang grabbed the fattest piece bc it's middle several books, when they're always together and his character shines the most in terms of clues about past, opening up to Wu Xie and Pangzi, and there are many many events where you can get the picture of what kind of man he is; Huang Junjie grabbed my fav piece of utter devotion, where he's already fully and wholeheartedly belongs to Wu Xie, that I'm just weak for. So like... there's also that I guess xD.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[thedeathdeelers]

ok I'm sorry for this but I was going thru the JATP tag looking for smth and I kept seeing u so I figured ur a good person to ask? I've never seen the show (no Netflix 😔) but I'm really curious about how the ghosts actually like, work? like can they touch things sometimes and how does that work and they can teleport or what? I'm just curious about the logistics and worldbuilding I guess if that's smth u wouldn't mind explaining a bit?? sorry if this is weird thanks 😅

hello!

oop lmao idk if that’s a good thing or not 😂 do i post too much? tag too much? mayhaps

but anyway :)

please don’t apologise i really don’t mind and this actually isn’t a weird question at all. i’ve gone through these questions myself even though i’ve watched the show 😌

so ghost magic isn’t really explained all that well in the show and there are moments where it doesn’t make sense AT ALL (like the boys being able to sit on furniture even tho they still don’t know how to pick up stuff or yknow...them having actual shadows), so a lot of the times you just gotta remember it’s a kids’ show and just enjoy it for what it is

but! here are some basic rules we’re told (or shown) in the show:

ghosts can’t touch people..mostly - they phase right through them pretty much

new ghosts struggle holding onto items but can work on that by focusing all their energy on what they wanna pick up/touch (so lots of practice for our dumb boys)

they can somehow very easily touch items that once belonged to them? so clothes they left behind they can somehow? touch? and wear? with no issues? (also three main ghosts/boys in the show can summon/touch their instruments no issues because they’re Special)

oh wait wtf alex touches the railing in the loft on their first day without any issues...huh. ANYWAY

from what we see the boys can teleport anywhere- nothing is explained. like NOTHING, when it comes to this but i assume they think of where they want to go and then...magically poof there

🤷🏻‍♀️ magic idk

basically a lot of it is just guesswork and a lot of suspending any kind of logical thinking and then you make up your own rules for them cause the show leaves so much space for interpretations

older more experienced ghosts can also trigger alarms kinda by waving their fingers? that happens once in the show?

oh also there’s this one special ghost that can fly? or float? he can do a whole bunch of other neat tricks so we assume he’s just extra magic (and evil)

i uh. i’ve been in this fandom for nearly a year and still suck at explaining things but i really hope this helps anon 😂

[8lah8lah]

fussing abt femme lesbian stuff extremely crazy long post under the cut

so in 2019 idk how or when or where i started looking into this but i was looking into butch/femme stuff and when i'd read about femme stuff it's like. "related" is way too light a word for it, "saw myself in" is also a bit too gentle, but pretty much every time i read about femmeness it was like reading an old diary, a lot of times people on here complain about "labels" "making you feel like you have to constrict yourself to a definition of smth"? well this was the complete opposite of that, i didn't feel like i was reading smth new and thinking how i could apply it to myself, it felt like everything i read i understood myself more, it was putting words to my feelings, it was literally parroting things that felt so familiar i still swear to fucking god i either outright wrote/said or at least thought before, and maybe thought dozens and dozens of times over throughout my life that up until then were senseless unrelated blobs that didn't matter

but then around like idk SOMEtime in like 2020? i think a combination of;

ppl were discoursing a lot abt butch/femme stuff and it made me confused (cause i admittedly did not know very much abt butch/femme stuff at all past femme is me and i love butches) and worried like oh no are ppl gonna attack me for iding as this """"""regressive"""""" thing,

every other butch/femme blog i was looking at was, or was becoming, an exclusionist and it was so fucking disheartening and anxiety-inducing to see what was to me this transcedental through-actions-more-than-words expression of love in any form And Also this like inherent two sides of the same coin ...relating? and completing and seeing the other one in you?? be reduced down to "ACTUALLY it's ONLY about devout romance/sex depends who's asking and experieincing it any different way makes you a predator, somehow" was so fucking defeating; if everyone outside of this doesn't like me and makes me feel guilty for this and the only ppl i run into inside it for safety and respite think i can and should be """fixed""" on basis of my sexuality, why WOULDN'T i just drop it and leave it where no-one can see?

and also ppl just dont really like... care For butches/femmes? theyre like oh haha classic lesbian thing i respect you, but they don't relate to you, so they don't know how to help you and don't really understand you, even if there's no genuine malicious feelings behind it they just dont know!!

so boom theres my conclusion i'm this thing but shit is rough rn so i'm just gonna shove it in a box and open it up later when i'm ready

....and then come: the last few months, i'm not ready but the box is opening itself up anyway!!! i keep seeing female chars and sometimes i get this fucking SEETHING "i want to be that", i can't ignore it, it keeps coming up so i keep running over 'huh am i just cis but being depressiongender for the moment' and my conclusion every time is no i Admire girlness (on like a gender level????) a whoooole lot but it's still not me somehow, and at the same time 'i wanna be pretty for girls'/'i hope girls find me hot' is on my mind cause it always is, it has been for as early as 2017, and "masculine" stuff making me dysphoric is on my mind cause it always is though to a lesser degree, i'm not really sure why, but at some point it clicks and starts seeping through the back of my mind. hey what about that femme thing that was a big deal to me a while ago that might be the source of this deep seething need to be a girl but not a ~Girl~ (cisgenderly, hollow gender roles-edly) but still feminine but it's FOR something and there's something there and you're taking this thing and making it weird AND. bro i think youre gay. something's here

so then like last week i break and i look for a pdf of ANY reliable butch/femme book i can find and i find one of the persistant desire: a femme-butch reader KNOWING i will probably definetely run into my trigger word at least a few times in it (and i did twice! but only twice was surprising), i just couldn't take it anymore, and i read i think 173 pages into it solid and skimmed through some other sections before i was too distracted and racking my brain about this and went to read about what the fuck does femme even mean in other places and then go to sleep and while i was pretty high-strung that night (which i think reading trigger word definetely did not help) i think i got my answer. a way i describe personalities is like being in a room, your room, and that if you're not sure who you are literally just look around you, and i couldn't ignore what was around me anymore! what was baked into the wallpaper what was my bedding and what was even the little trinkets i put in my window for other ppl to see WAS STILL THERE!!! the feeling i had in 2019 that was like the very skeleton of my...self and my existence being perfectly put into words and described when i couldn't, WAS STILL THERE!!! i was expecting and kinda hoping that when i read about the actual thing it wouldn't match up to me anymore and i could just lay this to rest but NOPE!!!!! these people are still saying the exact same shit i had been saying mere WEEKS earlier!!!!!!!!!!!

so then my conclusion had been "i'm probably femme but i don't WANT to be", and now my mulling over thoughts are shifting to "but then WHY am i femme, WHY do i still relate to this, what does this mean to/for me, why am i like this" cause even if i don't wanna be i still feel this way and i can't change it!!!!!!!!!! and it's like exceptionally hard Because it is mostly just a feeling + ..... samesies moment ! ! !!!! !! for me at least, so i'm moreso looking for other things other people have said that can start to encapsulate it a little, making a little moodboard in my head of femme stuff in my brain if you will lol, and that's Also hard cause it's a lot of little things that are easier to forget but not harder to relate to (for me ofc) but two things that i've kinda been mulling over/that have been bouncing around in my head as of recent is this quote in earlier stated book;

and this is a bit silly but last year i think? my best friend linked me a video abt the movie 'brave' and how almost-good it was by someone called eliquorice it's a good video all in all but what i've been thinking about for the past year is in the first part, where, EXTREMELY PARAPHRASING, it says merida's strength is being/enjoying "masculine" things and making them into her own feminine thing, meanwhile her mom's is the pre-set feminine stuff that's already there and her enjoying and embracing it, pointing out scenes where while merida asserts her power by fffffffshhsfhsd the archery contest scene im assuming youve already seen Literally Anything abt this movie and im talking abt the other part here anyway, theres a scene where her mom asserts her power by just like. being very stern and graceful and Womanly which makes a crowd of fighting men part and pipe down to let her through because of the sheer immenseness???? of her presence, theres obvs more to it than that but thats my extremely basic ittybitty summary of it

and there's all the other smaller things i can run over like how while i shorten my 'i dress up the way i do so girls think im hot' to.. that, there is more to and behind it than that, and how as a kid my internalized misogyny showed up via 'i HATE pretty popular girly girls (cause theyre pretty and i like them but i'm not allowed+theyre inaccessable) for having BOYFRIENDS (gay lol)' (which might be what started this, i was talking abt it on main a while ago?), or how even now when i'm faced with actually pretty hollow depictions of women who love shopping and girly stuff and hang out with their Girlfriends:tm:copyright::rightsreserved: and always have or are trying to get Boyfriendssss!!!! it makes me ache because i want to be feminine and with other girls all the time like them but my aim there is entirely different cause i don't want boys to be part of the picture at all and i don't want the girls to be a side thing or a friends-only thing (which Also might be what started this!!), and how it's kinda expected/said that if you're a Real Girl then you REJECT girly things and wanna be Masculine and do Boy Things cause you're not SHALLOW and if you're a lesbian (at least when i was 12) this was kinda amplified- lesbians wear snapbacks and have short nails and dont care much about their appearance/are very casual and blahblahblah AND THAT JUST MADE ME FEEL WEIRD EVEN AS A 12 YEAR OLD CAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW I FELT AND THAT WASN'T MY AIM BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I COULD DO OR EVEN THAT I COULD DO ANYTHING ELSE, and so on and so on and so on and it's just.

i don't know. i'm probably femme, but i don't wanna be, i wish i wasn't. but i fit pretty much every asset of it anyway, save for stuff that just plain doesn't apply to me (ex. alloro stuff)! but like despite what i say i don't 100% wish i wasn't femme at all, it's still a big part of me and even if my experiences are both sparse and not wonderful so far i don't think this is all there is to it and i think someday the last gear could click into place and this is something i can really genuinely settle into and be happy with. and if i DID try to forcefully change it i don't think i could without hurting myself a lot and deeply cause even if it's sometimes not a good thing to live with thanks to other people, it's still a good thing, and snuffing it out cause other people are cruel just doesn't feel fair to myself, my femme-ness, or the situation!! why let them win!!!!! so i guess it's not that i sincerely wish i wasn't femme or that this didn't describe me, i just wish it wasn't so hard. i wish it was just the loving and bonding and relating/solidarity...ing parts, and not the when people aren't being outright bigoted to your face, everyone else is getting into constant droning nitpicky fights of who can be what who can say what who's who but my friend said this but you say this let me bring other whole ass topics into this blahblahblahblahblahblah BLAH it's TUMBLR DISCOURSE i'm sure you get the picture. ...parts of it. so idk what my conclusion is, i guess that's still in the works! maybe it's i'm probably femme but i dont wanna be > but either way i still am so Why, why am i like this, why can't i just drop this > one day i'll be happy with this again but i'm putting it back in the box again, or i'm starting to love it again? i dunno!!!! i can't tell the future! my other conclusions are that identity is hard and please be nice to lesbians you know and encounter, i guess XD it's also that it is a FULL HOUR AND A HALF PAST MY BEDTIME GOOD GOD I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[anonymousbaev]

i love ur writing style!! i was wondering if u could write how the rfa + v and saeran would react to mc coming out as bi? and like,,,shes kinda scared they might leave her or smth?

 RFA+V and Saeran reaction to mc coming out as bi

Thank you so much for the compliment, you boosted my confidence in writing it even got me inspired to write this for you! (〃^∇^)ﾉ Also this idea is amazing, I hope I wrote it similar to the way you wanted it! I started at 6 pm and just finished right now at 2:43 am yay! WOOHOO FIRST HEADCANON REQUEST COMPLETE! I also saw another request come in while working on this so I shall begin on that one sometime soon too! Please lmk if anything here is disrespectful in any way. ENOUGH TALKING, ENJOY!  ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

                                              !!WARNING!! 

                      !!PROFANITY AND TRIGGERING SCENES!!

☆Yoosung☆

☆ You and Yoosung have been dating for a month now, you both told each other everything. At first you were scared to come out to him as being bi, but coming further and further into your relationship, you felt an urge to tell him. Being bi was something you were proud of. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel a bit scared he would leave you. You know he’s supportive and understanding, he’s not someone who would judge you. However, having a trauma of your parents kicking you out from a young age for being bi… It left an empty hole in your heart that had yet to be mended. Why couldn’t they love you for who you were? You were still their kid they’ve always known…

☆However, your parents were old news now. If they couldn’t be parents that supported you no matter what. You simply didn’t need them either. You knew Yoosung weren’t like them. And so, you gathered up your courage to come out to him one day. He was fairly surprised when you’d told him you had something to talk about. So, the two of you went out to a café on a Saturday morning to chat.

☆ “Mc!” Yoosung waves to you at the table he had been waiting for you. You nervously wave back at him as you make your way to the table. You sit down with a awkward smile, “I hope you weren’t busy today. I know I kind of called you kind of out of the blue.” He rests his head on his hand on the table with a grin as he replies, “No worries! Besides, even if I were busy, I would always make time for you!” 

☆ As always, he was being so sweet.  “Oh right! What did you want to talk about? You seemed anxious, is everything okay, Cutie?” You gulp so loud he probably can hear it. You just want to get this over with. Being bi was normal. Why did you have to be scared to say it? “I’ll get straight to the point, I just wanted you to know that I’m bi. I don’t want to keep my mouth shut on this anymore...but please don’t leave me. I love you.”

☆ He sits up straight as he holds your hand over the table. “Babe of course I won’t leave you, I’d be a hypocrite if I did. Nothing between us will change, in fact with another part of you revealed to me, I feel even closer with you!” You start to cry out happy tears as it gets him flustered knocking down his cup of ice tea all over the table. ⋋_⋌

☕️ Jaehee ☕️

☕️ Jaehee and you opened the café just like any other day. When you took out the freshly baked sweets, it immediately spread throughout the café and out the  widely opened doors. The fragrance attracted in so many customers. The café soon became absolutely full. As you were helping a young lady and her daughter with their order, a small family catches everyone’s attention at the shop. The man who looks to be the father of a teen begins to lecture him. It causes a ruckus and with Jaehee too busy to notice making drinks at the back, you excuse yourself and head to the small family. “Excuse me, is everything okay here?” 

☕️ You try your best to be as nice as possible before he begins to shout at you too. “YES. EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE. WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A PRIVATE CONVERSTATION HERE, IF YOU DON’T MIND I WOULD APPREACIATE IT IF YOU LET US BE.” You sigh trying to keep your cool, but you notice all the other customers rushing to hurriedly pay and get out. “I’m sorry sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He bangs his fists down on the table startling both his wife and son, but it startles you the most. “HOW DARE A LOWLY WAITER LIKE YOU TELL ME TO LEAVE. WHERE’S YOUR BOSS, HUH? BRING HIM HERE.” He spits at your face, you start to get so uncomfortable.

☕️ “Hello, I’m in charge here and I’m a she not a he. Also I would appreciate it if you would stop throwing reckless insults at my girlfriend.” Jaehee appears from the back. She must’ve heard all the commotion and came out to help you. She pushes him away from you, pissed. BAEHEE I LOVE YOU!

☕️ “GIRLFRIEND? WHATEVER THIS PLACE IS UNBELIEVABLE. WOMEN SHOULD DATE MEN AND MEN SHOULD DATE WOMEN. This is why youngsters these days need more lecturing tsk.” The man rushes out obviously intimated by Jaehee as his wife and son follow him out with an apologetic look to both you and Jaehee. Jaehee doesn’t hesitate to follow after him and give him a proper lecture but stops when she hears a small whimper before crouching down to meet your eyes. You sob so upset at the man’s cruel and untrue words. You know everything he’d said is not true AT ALL but can’t help but remember his words are similar from the words of your mother, it brings you to the floor.

☕️ “What’s wrong Mc? I know his words were harsh but you know none of that is true. Don’t cry because of an insect like him. ” you nod agreeing with her before taking a moment to get your words out, “I know...I know but he reminds me so much of my unsupportive parents when I came out as bi to them.”

☕️ “Oh Mc, don’t cry it’s going to be okay. There’s always going to be so much negativity in the world. Whatever it may be, and that’s not gonna change. Yet, you have to know you have me. And I have you. That’s all that matters.” You hug her and the people that have stayed in the café clap as the both of you have chased the bad man out. You see Jaehee blush for being in the center of attention.┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓

🎤 Zen 🎤

🎤 You and Zen cuddle on your shared bed. You begin to feel your eyes close in Zen’s warmth, and you eventually fall asleep to his pleasing lullaby. Your phone begins to ring and when Zen thinks it’d be better to let it be and tell you when you’re awake, he sees it’s your dad. He doesn’t know what to do, you never talk about your family. But he doesn’t want to worry your dad from you not picking up, so...he picks it up. 

🎤 “Hello, sir!” He’s super nervous to be talking with your dad for the first time. Your dad is super confused and asks, “Who is this? I thought I was calling my daughter?” Zen carefully lays your sleeping body comfortably on bed out of his arms to sit up at the edge of the bed, he clears his throat. “Yes, you are. I’m her boyfriend she said she told you about me?” Your dad begins to laugh almost... wickedly? “Oh that girl never tells me anything after her mother and I kicked her out of the house.” Zen is so shocked he’s at a loss of words you never mentioned this...

🎤 Zen continued to quietly listen to your father a little...pissed? Maybe you have horrible parents like he did. He starts to really regret picking up your phone, he should’ve asked you first. Regardless, it’s too late to regret it now and your dad continues to chatter on, “I’m glad to know she’s all fixed now. She’s dating an actual man. I was so aggravated when she came out to her mother and I to be bi.” Zen quietly heads to the living room and quickly scratches his head in anger, did your dad just say fix? 

🎤 “Excuse me but, if anything it looks like you need more fixing than anyone else. Also, Mc has not been “fixed”. She’d been perfect and she still is perfect in the same way. Dare I say, please don’t call Mc or even show your face anywhere near her if these are the things you tell her.” He ends the call and sees your head down, sitting down near the bedroom door as if you’d collapsed. He rushes over to you and gently holds your shoulder. “Jagiya are you okay? I’m sorry I picked up your call without-”

🎤 “It’s okay...it’s okay as long as you won’t leave me.” you shake your head in fear as Zen raises an eyebrow with a questioning look. “And why would I leave you?”

🎤 “Because I’ve kept it from you! That I’m bi and that I have bad parents. You told me everything, but I told you nothing. You’re probably feeling betrayed...but I really do trust you I really do love you! I was just scared... I know you are nothing like my parents. Ever since I met you, all you have given me was love and support! But it hurts...my dads words...they come back to me everyday and it makes me feel like I should keep it a secret...” He sighs before helping you stand back up on your feet. He fixes your messy hair and wipes away your tears with a gentle swipe.

🎤 “Baby, it’s okay. I know you would’ve eventually told me everything. Don’t feel guilty for not telling me. These are things you tell me when you want to tell me. You just needed time to heal from your parents. Just...overall...please know I love you no matter what. I’ll help you get over their words. I’ll show you what your parents told you were just thorns on a rose. Nothing more than a tragic obstacle from your happiness. Don’t be afraid of something that makes you, you because of the words of someone unsupportive. I know how it feels to have bad parents.” He pulls you into a hug, he feels so warm. You grasp onto his shirt and sob into his abs. You’re once again reminded of how much you love this man. ●ᴥ●

♛ Jumin ♛

♛ You’re attending an fancy business party with Jumin at an fancy hotel. You’re more than happy to attend this party with him. After all, you’d helped him plan for this project with your great creative mind. Not to mention, he loved showing you off.

♛ You and Jumin arrive in a limousine as he held your waist ignoring all the reporters into the front door of the hotel. You both stop at the entrance, four bodyguards around you as he lifts your chin up, you smile so lovingly he gulps before placing a kiss on your lips. “Are you ready, my love?” You nod as you snuggle against him as he holds your waist. All the bodyguards are supposed to guard the entrance so you both enter the main hall alone. 

♛ After a few boring conversations of a few businessmen trying to kiss up on Jumin’s ass you excuse yourself to the snack bar much to Jumin’s dismay. Regardless, he nods and you walk away. All these delicious fancy food! You swear you are about to drool. While you’re wondering on what to eat first, someone calls your name and it’s not Jumin’s voice. You feel your heart drop as you clutch your chest before turning around to see your bully in the old days.

♛ Tiffany, she was the “perfect rich girl” at school. And this girl loved making fun of others. You’ve picked on by Tiffany and her followers all four years through high school. All for one reason, you were open about being bi. She and her friends would always call you the ‘gay commoner’. This bish doesn’t even know the meaning of “bi” 

♛ Your heart begins to pound as if old memories come back at you like a gun shot. “Wait, hah you’re Mc, right? Wow... this place stoops as low to allow someone like you to come in? A gold digging commoner bitch that married Han Jumin. Oh right, and you’re gay. Be honest, you’re with Jumin because of his money right? You probably have sex with girls behind his back-” Tears swell in your eyes as you throw a slice of cake on her face. It drips down to her dress ‘made out of gold’. “ARE YOU CRAZY? OH MY GOSH, THIS DRESS IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR LIFE!” cliché shit I’m sorry. Your voice shakes, seeing her brings back your painful memories so vividly. “I can’t believe you’re still so uneducated after all these years! I’m bi not gay! And I see you’re still as immature as ever, haven’t changed that habit of picking on innocent people, huh? Also, you know nothing about my relationship with Jumin! I love him and I don’t care that you and other people point fingers at me. I have not once thought about being with him for money!” You feel a painful sting on your cheek as you look up to see that she’s slapped you.

♛ You bite your lips and she holds her hand up for another slap before she’s stopped with someone’s strong hand. Jumin holds her wrist as he looks at your painful mark, looking back at Tiffany in anger. Oh boy he’s pissed. He had rushed over as soon as he heard your faint yells across the room. “Jumin it’s okay, can you take me somewhere quiet...please?” He nods as he holds your waist to a balcony. The stars outside make you feel so much better as you smile bitterly. “Why was she hurting you, my love? I will make her pay for leaving such a painful wound. Please wait here my love I will call an ambulance right now.” You giggle a little before gently grabbing his hand. “I’ll be okay, please don’t, who calls an ambulance for a slap!” you continue to giggle before collapsing into his embrace. “I used to go to high school with her, and she’d always made fun of me. Because...I’m attracted to both males and females.”

♛ He furrows an eyebrow, “And...why is that something to make fun of?” You shrug, “I don’t know, but I think there’s more to her story. Still, that doesn’t make it okay for her to make fun of me.” 

♛ “Of course it’s not. I cannot personally relate to being attracted to both genders, however I do know that’s not something to make fun of.” You look up to meet him in the eyes, “That’s all you have to say? I just came out to you as being bi.” He smiles as he kisses you, “I love you.” You laugh, Jumin is not a man with many words in situations like this. However you do know that this ‘I love you’ is not just a simple confession of love. It’s his way of telling you that he supports you and nothing will change between the two of you. The next day you find a bucket of flowers with a 10,000 lettered apology essay from Tiffany. You later also find out Jumin has stopped partnering with her fathers company. They eventually go bankrupt. (¬‿¬)

👓 Saeyoung 👓 

👓 You shake as you look around you, you’re in a empty white void and suddenly, your ex appears in front of your eyes. “You’re bi? What so have you been going off with other girls behind my back?” He slaps you, pushing you down onto the floor. He wraps his hands around your neck so painfully. Your heart could jump out of your chest right then and there. You try to scream out, but your voices don’t leave your mouth. You shake your head denying him, until you’re finally able to open your eyes screaming, “NO!” You gasp for breath, you look around in your shared bedroom with Saeyoung. “MC?” Saeyoung sits up to see you. He scans your body to make sure you’re safe, “What’s wrong baby?” 

👓 You shake your head, “I... had a nightmare.” he smiles, “Haha, you’re so cute still getting nightmares. What was it about? Elizabeth the 3rd turning into a monste- ZzZzZz...” He falls asleep again holding onto your waist as his body slides back down to lay. You wrap your arms around his head with a bitter smile before beginning to break down, you gently sob unknowingly. Saeyoung wakes up again, both of your eyes squinting as he turns the lamp on. You take a glance at the clock, it’s 3 am. You feel horrible for waking Sae up.

👓 He sits next to you, gently wiping away your tears. “You’re okay. If it makes you feel better we can talk before going back to bed. What did you have a nightmare about?” At first you’re hesitant, but knowing Sae, the sweetest purest sometimes perverted cinnamon roll you ever know, you felt safe to tell him. Before a warning you blurt it out, “I’m bi.” he smiles as he caresses' your cheeks before he says anything, you continue to talk, “I had a nightmare about my ex...he would beat me up and be so unsupportive of me.” You continue to cry harder painful memories coming back to you, more vividly now that you say it. 

👓 He brings you into his arms, “Thank you. Thank you for telling me, you’re so so brave. Do you know that?” He smiles nuzzling his nose to yours. “You’re okay now. And I support you. I love you so much too. I, Saeyoung Defender of Justice will protect you no matter what.” You cringe at his last line, the both of you giggle as you both nuzzle each other back to sleep. 

👓 BONUS: Saeyoung never tells you but he hacks into old camera files and sends your ex into jail for emotional and physical abuse. ( ಠ◡ಠ )

🌚 Saeran 🌚

🌚 You are eating dinner with Saeran until you finally come out to him as being bi, it feels as though a heavy anchor on you had been lifted. He pauses for a second looking up at you nodding, he quietly continues to eat his dinner. You feel so upset, that was it? A single nod? You spent days thinking of the right day to tell him this. It took a lot courage to come out to someone. The single nod he gave you continues to replay in your head.

🌚 Clearly upset, you hurriedly shove down your food Saeran constantly telling you that you will get sick if you continue. It didn’t matter, you just wanted to get out of here. 

🌚 A while later...you’re in bed with Saeran, everything is so quiet. But Saeran notices how upset you’re after the incident. He mutters a “sorry” and you can tell he genuinely means it but you can’t help but still feel a bit sassy, “For what?”

🌚 “Sorry for being indifferent when you came out to me. Thank you for doing that. I appreciate your bravery. But I don’t know how to react- how you want me to react. Of course I’ll be supportive of you...but the wrong words would rather  be disrespectful...so...sorry...I don’t know the right words to tell you. I’m not good at this kind of stuff.” You kiss him as you pull him onto the bed. “Thank you. That means so much. I’m sorry too, I got sensitive.”

🌚 The two of you fall asleep so secure and loved in each others embrace.

♧ Jihyun ♧

♧ It’s been a week since you’ve came out to Jihyun about being bi, he was unconditionally supportive and loving. One day, You and Jihyun decide to go to the mall as you insisted in buying him new clothes. He was so bad at dressing himself. Without realizing it Jihyun brought his glasses and cane, even when he could see now with his eye surgery.

♧ He smiles wholeheartedly when you continue to be amused by all the cool stuff at the mall. Someone suddenly comes from behind putting a hand on your shoulder that was between you and Jihyun. Jihyun elbows them in surprise before calmly apologizing, “Ah, I’m sorry.” the man looked to be in pain but he tried to act fine as he said “It’s fine.” His friend in the back whispered “Wow look at his cane, he’s blind.” they all began to laugh. 

♧ You were about to shout at them but after seeing Jihyun simply just raising an eyebrow you just cross your arms at them before attempting to walk away. “Hey hey, I’m not done yet. Aren’t you Mc?” He roughly pulls your wrist, it makes you unwantedly unlink arms with Jihyun. “Hey, you are! Remember me? You tried to date my girlfriend.” You shiver as you realize him. Your old classmate. You had confessed your interest to his girlfriend during your senior years, however you had no idea she had a boyfriend. It wasn’t your fault, you’d even apologized to him and her afterwards. He’d never forgot you though when he sweared that the reason for him breaking up with his girlfriend was because of you. 

♧ Your stomach turned, heart dropping, as his glares came in to you like stinging daggers. Jihyun hides you behind him as he nicely tells them, “It would be better not to make a commotion here.” The men mockingly copy his words in a idiotic tone. Your anger boils, but Jihyun is calm as always. “Mc you’ve gotten greedier, eh? Women weren’t enough, now you want both men and women?” Your heart drops, as the anger in you all shred into tears. However, you hold them back. Where had it all gone wrong? After all those painful years, you almost forgot it all after getting into Rika’s apartment and helping everyone recover from their painful past. You forgot you had a painful past of your own, one you’d never recovered from. One that still lingers somewhere in your heart till this day. You shake yourself back to reality when you notice Jihyun holding onto your hand. 

♧  Jihyun shoves the man away like a feather with his cane when he attempts to approach the two of you. Eventually the security guards come and separate them from the both of you. Jihyun embraces you in his warmth as he reminds you, “You know all those foolish things those men said are not true, darling.” His words are rather short that what you’d imagined him to say. However his words are comforting regardless.

♧ Later you find out Jumin, Jihyun, and Saeyoung have been working on something but you don’t quite know what...you brush it off. They’ve been working on ruining the life of those two rude ass men at the mall. (⌒o⌒)

The quality of my writing started to drop from Saeyoung I’m so sorry. I might come back to them and fix them later on...∑(゜Д゜;)

[omxriis]

               hi   guys      !      this   is   something   i’ve   been   tossing   back      &      forth   in   my   head   for   a   lil   bit   ,   but   the   fact   of   the   matter   is   that   my   muse   for   mari   was   starting   to   run   low   ,   but   i’m   a   mess      &      don’t   wanna   let   go   of   him   asdfjkns   ,   so   i   decided   to   revamp   him      !      or   more   accurately   ,   bring   old   mari   back      !      so   below   u   will   find   his   old   biography      (      thank   god   i   still   have   his   old   intro   up   sdfgkjfsd      )      as   well   as   a   little   update   bc   he   needs   smth   to   give   him   a   kick   up   the   ass   :/   this   shouldn’t   rly   affect   most   of   my   plots   but   if   u   would   like   to   plot   smth   w   him   ,   pls   let   me   know      !

&& .   announcing   his   royal   highness  ,      (      𝐎𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐈   𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐈   𝐙𝐔𝐋𝐔      )      ,   the      (      𝟑𝟎      )      year   old      (      𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐖𝐍   𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄      )      of      (      𝐁𝐎𝐓𝐒𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐀      )      .   he   is   often   confused   with      (      𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋   𝐁 .   𝐉𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐀𝐍      )      .   some   say   that   he   is      (      𝐂𝐀𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒      &      𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐍      )      ,   but   he   is   actually      (      𝐃𝐄𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐑      &      𝐅𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐇𝐅𝐔𝐋      )      .

trigger   warnings   :   brief   mentions   of   death      &      illness   .

*    𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑪𝑺   .

𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐋   𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄      &      𝐌𝐄𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒   :      omari      (      god   the   highest      )      malachi      (      my   angel      )      zulu      (      heaven      )      .

𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒    :      mar   ,   mari   .

𝐀𝐆𝐄   :      thirty   .

𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘   :      4th   of   august   .

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑   :      male   .

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒   :      he   /   him   .

𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂   :      leo   af   .

𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐈𝐎𝐍   :      christian   .

𝐎𝐂𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍   :      crown   prince   of   botswana      (      self   -   proclaimed   professional   pain   in   the   ass      )      .

𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄𝐒   :      writing   ,   reading   ,   being   in   social   situations   ,   solving   problems   ,   traveling   ,   annoying   his   siblings   .

𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄𝐒   :      loud   eaters   ,   obnoxious   people   ,   big   insects   ,   being   responsible   for   his   actions   .

*    𝑨𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑻𝑰𝑪𝑺   .

bare   feet   in   mornings   ,   neatly   folded   clothes   ,   an   organised   shoe   closet   ,   messy   sheets      &      an   unmade   bed   ,   missed   calls   at   2am   ,   highlighted   passages   in   a   book   ,   dogeared   pages   ,   unanswered   texts   ,   tucked   in   shirts   ,   unfinished   books   ,   warm   tea   ,   warm   jumpers   from   the   dryer   ,   odd   ceramic   mugs   ,   hidden   springs   of   water   ,   worn   out   military   boots   ,   fallen   leaves   during   autumn   ,   poetry   at   midnight   ,   sleepy   morning   voice   ,   unsent   letters   .

*   𝑩𝑰𝑶𝑮𝑹𝑨𝑷𝑯𝒀   .

               when   botswana   gained   its   independence   in   1966   ,   it   seemed   as   if   things   were   going   well   .   the   democracy   they   had   built   was   stable      &      it   appeared   as   if   the   land - locked   country   had   no   problems   ,      &      for   a   while   it   hadn’t   but   after   a   few   years   the   peace   in   the   government   started   to   dwindle   .   too   many   people   wanting   too   much   power   ,   somebody   said   .   they   jumped   in   feet   first   without   any   real   clue   how   to   run   a   country   ,   said   another   .   but   over   time   the   uninterrupted   tranquility   became   obsolete   .   botswana   was   slowly   going   down   a   sinkhole   until   1985   ,   when   the   south   african   king   titled   his   eldest   son   ,   arno   zulu   ,   the   king   of   botswana   .

                the   change   shook   the   botswanian   government   to   the   core   ,   a   change   that   it   needed   .   at   first   the   people   of   botswana   weren’t   sure   how   to   react      —      this   new   monarchy   was   something   nobody   had   expected   .   but   the   newly   crowned   king   had   ambition      &      he   had   stride   .   he   had   a   set   vision      &      a   set   plan   to   follow   ,   all   the   while   he   was   kind   to   his   people      &      a   fair   ruler   .   it   didn’t   take   as   long   as   he   expected   for   the   botswanians   to   settle   under   his   rule      (      not   being   given   the   south   african   throne   was   a   huge   knock   on   his   confidence   as   a   royal      )      so   the   speed   his   country   settled   was   comforting   .

                however   ,   the   king   could   never   forgive   his   father   for   throwing   away   his   right   to   the   throne      &      instead   promised   it   to   the   youngest   of   the   zulu   heirs   .   this   bitterness   ,   however   subsided   into   a   more   a   more   subtle   distaste   as   he   settled   into   his   new   role      &      a   short   few   years   later   ,   he   was   married   to   a   libyan   princess      &      not   too   long   after   that   ,   she   fell   pregnant   with   their   first   child   .   the   pregnancy   wasn’t   easy      ;      there   were   a   few   complications   along   the   way   but   after   only   8  ��months   of   carrying   him   ,   omari   malachi   zulu   was   born   .

                omari   wasn’t   by   any   standards   an   extraordinary   baby   .   his   birth   was   easy   ,   all   things   considered   but   as   the   first   born   child   of   the   king   of   botswana   ,   he   had   responsibilities   he   never   even   knew   he   had   .   the   country   accepted   him   with   open   arms      &      celebrated   his   birth   in   an   ornate   fashion   .   after   all   ,   he   was   the   first   born   child   of   their   first   king   .   streets   were   decorated   with   the   botswanian   flag      &      music   filled   the   streets   for   days   after   .   the   prince   was   a   vision   ,   as   many   called   him   .   he   looked   strikingly   similar   to   his   father   ,   even   small   features   like   the   dimples   in   his   cheeks      &      the   crease   between   his   eyebrows   as   he   smiled   .   for   months   botswana   was   full   of   joy      &      that   joy   started   to   bring   the   country   back   into   the   state   of   peace   they   had   at   the   very   start   of   their   independence   .

                   the   birth   of   their   future   king   gave   them   hope   .   stability   .      &      in   turn   they   treated   their   leaders   with   grace      &      kindness   ,   living   in   harmomy   .   it   was   almost   idyllic      ;      omari   grew   up   in   a   world   where   everyone   was   at   peace   as   opposed   to   just   a   few   years   before   he   was   born   .   he   had   everything   he   wanted      &      was   treated   with   respect   ,   so   he   treated   his   people   with   respect   in   return   .   he   grew   up   in   a   loving   household   ,   full   of   books      &      all   the   learning   tools   a   young   heir   could   need   ,      &      although   his   professor   was   hard   on   him   ,   omari   did   not   let   this   harden   him   .

                as   a   child   he   had   always   been   a   free   -   spirit      ;      he   was   intrigued   by   the   idea   of   traveling      &      had   read   about   all   the   places   in   the   books   from   the   palace’s   library      &      from   strangers   who   had   stayed   at   the   palace   in   passing   .   he   was   quite   content   ,   he   had   a   certain   mischievousness   which   often   caught   the   guards   out      &      a   long   string   of   jokes   that   could   keep   people   laughing   for   days   .   however   ,   for   a   child   living   in   such   a   large   expanse   it   was   incredibly   lonely   ,   so   it’s   to   be   expected   that   when   his   brother   was   born   ,   omari   was   over   the   moon   .

                the   pair   were   like   two   peas   in   a   pod      ;      where   you’d   see   one   ,   you’d   no   doubt   see   the   other   following   not   too   far   behind   .   they   grew   close   quickly      &      omari   was   fiercely   loyal   to   his   younger   brother   .   however   ,   much   like   any   ordinary   older   sibling   he   could   be   difficult   .   although   he   wasn’t   nasty   ,   he   was   a   bit   of   a   tyrant   .   causing   ruckus      &      playing   pranks   on   his   brother   was   omari’s   favourite   pastimes      &      although   they   had   their   disagreements   ,   he   did   it   with   love      &      there   was   very   little   omari   wouldn’t   do   for   him   .

                when   his   brother   was   born   ,   omari   learned   a   lesson   in   sharing   .   when   his   sister   was   born   ,   he   learned   a   lesson   in   protection   .   growing   up   he   was   educated   on   how   to   run   a   country   successfully      &      how   to   be   a   good   king   ,   but   nobody   taught   him   how   to   be   a   good   brother   .   sometimes   he   could   be   intolerant   to   who   he’d   often   call   the   ‘ bonus   zulu   children ’   just   to   irritate   them   ,   but   despite   his   annoying   habits   his   siblings   were   his   best   friends   .   they   filled   the   empty   void   that   would   otherwise   still   be   hollow   in   the   palace      &      on   stressful   days   ,   they’d   be   the   ones   to   aid   him   in   unwinding   .

                the   pressures   of   becoming   king   one   day   didn’t   truly   hit   full   force   until   he   hit   his   teenage   years   .   he   was   expected   to   set   a   prime   example   not   only   for   his   country   but   also   his   siblings   ,      &    although   he   did   a   good   job   at   being   generally   liked   by   his   peers    &      the   like   ,   he   realised   soon   enough   he’d   have   to   get   out   there      &      represent   his   country   ,   so   that’s   what   he   did   .   he   started   travelling   the   world      &      meeting   new   people      &      after   a   while   ,   he   went   to   college   .   someone   had   briefly   suggested   a   college   in   portugal   so   he   decided   to   go   there   ,   studying   literature      &      modern   language   .

                it   was   here   where   he   met   barbara   de   bragança   ,   being   in   college   at   the   same   time   as   she   was   getting   her   degree   .   due   to   his   royal   status   he   was   invited   to   stay   at   her   college   home      &      after   taking   the   opportunity   ,   the   two   quickly   became   close   friends   .   he   completed   his   education   in   portugal   before   he   jetted   off   to   carry   on   exploring   the   world   ,   however   he   never   lost   touch   with   barbie      &      he   started   to   become   more   responsible   as   he   prepared   to   one   day   be   king   .   while   on   his   travels   he   learned   a   lot   about   different   cultures      &      could   strike   up   a   conversation   with   anyone   over   anything   .

                give   or   take   a   few   years    &      his   family   asked   him   to   get   engaged   to   the   princess   of   hungary   ,   fanni   croÿ   .   the   arrangement   was   strange   given   they   already   had   a   history   but   due   to   it   being   for   the   benefit   of   botswana   he   agreed      &      then   they   were   engaged   .   however   ,   just   as   they   were   starting   to   figure   things   out   the   engagement   was   called   off      &      out   of   his   confusion   ,   omari   took   off   without   a   word   to   anyone      &      has   been   m.i.a   ever   since   ,   only   keeping   in   touch   with   a   short   selection   of   people   .

*     𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑶𝑵𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑻𝒀   .

omari   is   a   lover   of   adventure      &      experiencing   new   things   .   people   might   call   him   a   thrill   seeker   ,   but   he   just   believes   that   a   life   without   experiencing   everything   you   can   isn’t   a   life   worth   living   .   he   enjoys   learning   new   things      &    is   always   keen   on   hearing   different   opinions   to   benefit   his   own   ,   however   he   can   come   across   as   being   quite   opinionated   when   it   comes   to   his   own   thoughts      &    he’s   not   afraid   to   speak   his   mind   ,   which   sometimes   got   him   into   trouble   when   he   was   younger   but   has   earned   him   great   respect   as   he   grew   older   .

                in   general   ,   omari   is   kind      &      thoughtful   .   he’s   been   influenced   a   lot   by   his   father’s   way   of   ruling   the   country      &      is   a   firm   believer   that   you   should   treat   people   the   way   you   expect   to   be   treated   ,   but   he’s   not   afraid   to   stand   his   ground   when   he   needs   to   or   protect   those   that   he’s   closest   to   .   when   it   comes   to   his   family      &    his   close   friends   ,   omari   will   go   to   the   ends   of   the  ��earth   for   them   even   if   it   was   just   to   bring   them   a   pretzel   from   europe   .   he   values   them   a   lot      &      is   extremely   loyal   to   them   .

                however   ,   omari   can   be   quite   flaky      &      fickle   .   when   it   comes   to   making   decisions   regarding   his   country   ,   he’s   very   clever   in   his   approach    &    makes   sure   it’s   the   best   decision   but   when   it   comes   to   his   personal   life   ,   he’s   not   very   good   at   all      &      often   has   to   seek   advice   from   other   people   just   to   make   the   correct   decision   .   he   dislikes   situations   that   are   too   messy   ,   which   is   one   of   the   few   reservations   he   has   about   being   king   because   he   knows   he’ll   be   stuck   in   some   but   he’s   working   on   his   habit   of   fleeing   before   the   situation   gets   too   bad      &   instead   striving   to   resolve   them   .

                he   can   be   pretty   mischievous   ,   since   when   he   was   younger   he’d   often   play   pranks   on   the   guards      &    his   siblings   just   to   ,   as   he   used   to   say   ‘ pass   the   time ’   so   although   he’s   someone   you   can   trust   with   your   secrets   ,   he’s   not   someone   you   can   trust   not   to   scare   the   living   daylights   out   of   you   the   next   chance   he   gets   .   he   loves   to   have   fun      &    is   slightly   worried   that   when   he   becomes   king   all   the   fun   he’s   having   now   will   no   longer   exist   ,   but   following   in   his   father’s   footsteps   is   something   he’s   always   been   keen   in   doing      &      seeing   how   well   he’s   doing   pushes   him   to   do   the   same   .

                although   his   father   isn’t   so   bothered   anymore   by   the   fact   that   he   was   ,   as   omari   sees   it   thrown   to   the   side   for   his   younger   brother   ,   omari   is   extremely   bitter   about   it   .   even   though   he   loves   botswana      &      its   people   ,   he   still   heavily   believes   that   since   his   father   is   the   oldest   of   the   zulu   heirs   ,   he’s   rightfully   in   line   for   the   south   african   throne   so   the   fact   that   his   uncle   ,   who’s   little   over   ten   years   older than   him   never   fails   to   stir   up   troubling   thoughts      &      now   that   his   grandfather   has   fallen   ill   ,   he   sees   this   as   an   opportunity   to   start   conflict   with   his   uncle   .

*   𝑼𝑷𝑫𝑨𝑻𝑬   .

ok   i’m   literally   just   gonna   bullet   point   the   things   that   have   changed   for   him   bc   i’m   too   lazy   to   go   back      &      edit   this   entire   bio   sdfkjdnsjkg

but   u   guys   already   know   gramps   is   dead   ,   which   means   ayo   is   king   ,   which   means   the   cousins   failed   in   their   attempts   smh

mari   was   slightly   bitter   after   the   coronation   ,   but   it   only   lasted   for   a   short   while   ,   bc   news   hit   him   that   his   father   wasn’t   very   well   ,   which   meant   that   mari   would   have   to   step   up      &      do   more

i’m   gonna   say   to   save   confusion   that   he   just   wasn’t   doing   enough   .   he   rarely   got   involved   with   political   moves   ,   so   that’s   crucial   now   since   his   father   can’t   cope   as   usual

so   i   don’t   rly   know   how   this   will   affect   him   ,   it’ll   either   make   him   kick   his   ass   into   gear      &      do   shit   with   his   life   or   he’ll   get   so   stressed   he’ll   have   a   break   down

WHO   KNOWS

[dojae-huh]

1. Hello! I don't know if you have touched on this before but since the cooking vlive is being discussed, I'd take this chance to ask. Jae was restless all throughout the vlive right? And Do was more or less Do (well until that moment of panic and the sitting in between jae's legs.) I remember the panic scene best, Jae jumped down and was touchy, other members won't blink an eye at that because its normal. But Do panicked and shared a look with Mark. On that note-

2. Wouldn't that mean that Mark is in the know too? Because after sharing the look with Do they both glanced at the cameras or maybe the staff? Why would they do that though? I mean ppl don't know yet, why would Do panic suddenly that he has to seek reassurance that they weren't caught when the other members doesn't find anything amiss between them? I'm specially interested in Mark's role. Idk where I'm going with this, I get stressed whenever I see that gif haha 😩

3. So maybe when Do said whatever he said to Jae (to cause the poor puppy to be so restless) Mark was present? But that wouldn't align with how the members acted around them on the "coming out" time frame. Idk anymore haha feel free to ignore this. 😂 Anyways, isn't it a peculiar time to leave Jae hanging. It's night (was it?) then they have a group vlive (is it scheduled?) another so maybe from me is that they didn't get to finish whatever they were supposed to talk about?

4. Like perhaps Do approaching Jae sometime before the vlive (it is possible that they had other separate sched before the vlive) that they can talk about Jae's confession or smth. I mean wouldn't that raise some sort of trigger in Jae? Especially since the confession was more than a year ago, they had to go through a small fall out then patch up their friendship soon after. So wouldn't bringing that up out of nowhere make Jae hyperaware and jittery with what could come out of the conversation?

----------------

Vlive

1) Mark was clueless as everyone. You have to watch the interval of time before the scene you are trying to make sense of. Mark was simply “gawking”, looking at different members, deciding what to do and when show joy for the cameras. 

06:16 - he repeats “First!” after Lucas and Doyoung, but without enthisuasm and with a delay.

06:21 - see his right hand is curled beside his thigh. The gesture is not here, not there, it’s not relaxed and he is not making an action (like scratching). It shows that Mark is not focused on one thing (like observing Jaedo with suspicion). A bot later we can see his left arm hangs mid-air. Same “where do I put my limbs, what do I do with my body” intermidiate state. 

06:34 Johnny saw the state Mark was in and stood closer to him to engage and be the tree to climb.

2) I’ve noticed a new thing I didn’t before. Doyoung became nervous some time before Jae stepped down from the bench, that’s why he recoiled. He was already minfdul of Jae. It starts at 5:40. He is smiling fully, then he lifts his head following the impulse to engage Jae and then it downs on him. He drops the smile and stands up a couple of times to get away from his sitting position. And the way he later lowers his head a couple of time to shake his hair. All signs of additional nervousness, lack of 100% focus on MCing. His look at Mark is a simple “scanning of surroundings”. A kind of a random action before he wills himself to comeback and concentrate on the vlive and the filming.

3) What’s peculiar is that Do steps up on the bench and starts to touch Jae. He did it too many times and too soon after his “hey, step back” warning with his elbow for it to be a result of his habit of touching shoulders/necks of people before him. The “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it”.

4) This vlive happened right after Jae’s BD and DoTae’s surprise. On both EnNaNa and the short group vlive after 14 February fan event Jaedo were normal. Because of the lack of time (EnNaNa ended late, this vlive the next day) and “I have many questions!” written on Jae’s face, I had an idea that maybe Do wrote a BD letter to Jae. He did so for Tae and JN, expressing his feelings. Your idea about “I want to talk” sounds plausible too. Some short warm congratulation on BD and longer eye-to-eye in the evening after all the schedules.  

Regardless of the way it went. Starting from the middle of February Jaedo became best firends again. So the natural conclusion is that they cleared whatever misunderstandings they had and started anew. 

[sunsetsover]

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline  personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality  (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

[absolutiions]

´   ･   .   ✶   ⧼    madchen   amick,   non   binary,   she   &   they   /   fucked   my   way   to   the   top   by   lana   del   rey   +   eyes   the   color   crimson   and   hands   stained   in   crimson,   too.   victim   of   the   underworld,   you   are   not.   you   came,   not   to   sit   silent   at   his   side   as   dutiful   wives   do,   but   to   whisper   in   his   ear.   pouted   lips   smeared   ruby   stoke   the   flames   of   his   darkest   impulses   and   his   deepest   desires.   you   are   the   conqueror.   you   are   the   queen.   and   may   god   have   mercy   upon   anyone   who   underestimates   this   :   because   you   will   not.    ⧽   ━━   don’t   look   now,   but   that’s   ATHENODORA.   the   TWO   THOUSAND,   FIVE   HUNDRED   &   TWENTY   TWO  (   varying   physical   )   year   old   GIFTED   VAMPIRE   has   been   here   in   seattle   for   three   minutes,   and   is   considered   a   member   of   the   VOLTURI.   they’ve   always   been   MACHIAVELLIAN   &   INDOMITABLE,   but   i   guess   this   town   just   brings   out   the   worst   in people   ;   apparently,   they’ve   been   way   more  INSOUCIANT   &   SUPERCILIOUS   than   usual.   it   wouldn’t   surprise   me   if   they   knew   what   was   going   on.   click   HERE   to   check   out   her   stats.

they   told   you   that   you   were   a   nobody,      so   you   became   the   QUEEN.   (   now   everybody   knows   your   name   )

SECTION ONE OF THREE : background / human era. trigger warnings for talk of pregnancy, death, abuse

born circa 502 bc, in a little village that has no lasting name nor impact in ancient greece. 

five of the children born to her parents survived to adulthood, and since she was the last one... it is almost like, her whole life, she has been suffering from younger child syndrome. who knew !

she very literally grew up in a diff time, so when i say she wasn’t rly close to any of her siblings, i don’t mean it in a like... horrible way. it’s not a reflection of character. they just didn’t have a tight sibling bond, though she loved them greatly. 

same w her parents. they were unexceptional people who lived unexceptional lives, and though she was grateful for, u know... their creation of her - they were not close. they did not, in laymans terms, have the lorelai and rory gilmore dynamic. 

her whole family were content to live their dismal lives, and... tho athenodora did not vibe, she, again - grew up in a diff time. of course she dreamt of more. of course she prayed to the gods for something better. but she was achingly aware of the fact that no such future would ever exist for her. such is life in 400 whatever bc, bumfuck, greece.

she was just barely eighteen when she was married to athanasios, to secure land, or smth, because those were the times. of course it was something like that. 

he was... fine, at first. a little small minded ( that wasn’t the ONLY thing that was small, haha ). he, like everyone, was content to live the same old life, and athenodora just... wasn’t. she had been raised on stories of grandeur, and her parents had thought she would settle for the regular - it should not have been a surprise that she didn’t want to, but gods, did she try.

she never loved him, she can safely say ; but she wished that she did. for a long while, athenodora thought it would be easier, and thought that she could do a lot worse. unfortunately... she cld not.

their lives were meant to follow a certain pattern. they had gotten married, and now he would work all day, make them money, tend their land. she would stay home. cook. clean. raise the children that they were sure to have. athenodora was capable of almost everything expected of her, except for the most important part - she couldn’t seem to give him children. not strong sons. not beautiful daughters. 

at first, he told her that it was fine. 

after a year or so, he still told her that it was fine, but she could see in his eyes that it wasn’t.

two years after this, he called her the ancient greek version of defective for the very first time - and things only got worse from there.

he had always been a perfectly fine husband, until he was not, and athenodora had always wanted to love him, until she did not. she prayed to the gods every morning and night, to give her what her husband so desired. to give her that which would make her life better, even if she knew it would not heal the wounds already caused.

sometimes the gods r not dicks. a miracle! she becomes pregnant, aged twenty four ( i kno it sounded like she was a crone but again please remember the times ). she always thought it was just what was best n only athanasios would care, but , wow... suddenly. she cares. she has never felt this level of love with anything, until now.

but, tragedy :// straight white men ( idk, i just feel like her husband was the root of all evil ) are not so easily satisfied. who wld have guessed he wld continue to be an abusive asshole even after his wife succeeded in getting pregnant? i bet i shocked u all. who wld have guessed that a huge part of his problem wld end up being that suddenly, athenodora clearly cares abt something - and it isn’t him. again. got you all!

over the course of her pregnancy, he becomes, for the first time, a real threat to her - or maybe, athenodora simply never took him seriously until there is another person to think of. either way, she TRULY fears him and what he’s capable of by the time she gives birth, and after he makes some passing remark abt their baby, she yeets the FUCK out of there in the middle of the night, eirene ( baby ) only a handful of days old. she takes what she can carry and nothing more, and she... makes it pretty far, thanks to the kindness of strangers. you love to see it.

she settles somewhere ( she considers to be ) far away, and she makes up a good story : her husband died in a war ( there were probably a lot of time, i dont know ) and she was widowed, left to care for their young daughter alone. i know. its really original. they didnt have tv shows back then to rip stories from though.

stays in a hovel on the edge of their village. think the shittiest home you’ve ever seen and then make it shittier. there are rumors about her being a witch, and she kind of appreciates them, because it keeps kids out of her yard. and shock of all shock : in spite of being... u know. a woman. and not very skilled. she finds a very hot ticket job - working for the very wealthy volturi family who live on the other ( opposite ) outside of town, but like, in a considerably better home, obviously. 

honestly, i don’t kno what the ancient greek equivalent of that secretary in new moon is, but that’s the vibe we’re going for, here. she’s like, a chambermaid or smth. and she makes a tidy little sum. doesn’t question her weirdo bosses that much. doesn’t know what anemia is because im p sure it wasnt discovered by then, but presumes they have it.

and maybe, just maybe, it’s the finesse of the century : or maybe, just maybe, it is destiny. in no time at all, she has caught the eye of the volturi’s most eligible bachelor(tm) : caius volturi. many another worker is made upset by this fact, as athenodora is very quickly alotted VERY special treatment as the apple of his eye, which includes, i don’t know... hand delivered baskets of pomegranates, a nicer home and in due time, the simple pleasures of the flesh.

so that’s pretty neat. and life’s pretty fine. she feels like an ancient greek sugar baby, and honestly, isn’t that all she’s ever deserved? she’s got some nice digs ( i don’t think she’d have called them that ) and a man who worships the ground she walks on and who spoils her with pretty things, and most importantly : she is taking care of her daughter, who i absolutely didn’t forget about. eirene is the literal light of athenodora’s life, and everybody knows it. if i say jean valjean and cosette vibes, can we all pretend we get it?

and then it goes to shit. as things do.

her daughter is fourteen years old, when her father finds them ; and she doesn’t know, she never knows, if he was seeking them out or whether it was all DUMB luck. regardless of it all, he is stood inside her home, his breath coming in angry half pants, and athenodora is convinced that this is it. that her end has come. that her freedom is over. she dies, she thinks, or she returns back to the house that was not her home with him. these are her options. 

she tells her daughter to leave. she stops him from following. when she is shoved and her head hits the table, she is aware of the option he has chosen for them more than all else - but the gods, or perhaps, just one - intervenes.

until this night, athenodora had never known the truth of the volturi. but when her beloved saves her from athanasios, she sees him for what he is. she UNDERSTANDS. and she isn’t frightened. she should be, for sure, she should be running as fast as she can - but all she can think in that moment is that she is free now in all the ways she has never been... and caius, her love, is something so much larger than this life. 

for the first time, the godhood that athenodora has always dreamt of is within her grasp. she makes him promise that once eirene comes of age, he will make her into the same creature that he IS. she makes him swear a solemn oath, and he who has been so infatuated by her for so long cannot argue.

four years. this is all it takes, and then eirene is eighteen - capable of standing upon her own two feet. athenodora leaves her everything - all the gifts she has ever been given, all the wealth accumulated, the home. everything she will not need, once she is gone. and she says a final goodbye.

caius turns her himself. the greatest gift he could ever give her.

and reborn, athenodora is MORE than everyone in her life could ever dream of being. she is the queen of the underworld, the goddess of death. she is all of this, and more. at his side, she finds GREATNESS. and once she had it, athenodora decided she would never again be without. 

SECTION TWO OF THREE : volturi era.

became cool. became powerful. very emma frost of her, rly 

didnt rly care for the rest of the coven outside of caius but sometimes u gotta hang w scrubs 

didyme dies sometime after her turning, and that kind of fucks everybody up

not so much her bc like i said she didnt rly care but... caius b frightened of losing her, i guess

kind of throws a spanner in the works 

she spends a lot of time ‘locked away’. not , like, literally ( bc that’s gross! ) but... caius takes over protective to the extreme

uses this time to harness her power and fuck

not always in that order

also spends a lot of time telling him he deserves to b leader

deserves to b the new aro

who needs powers?

not u, caius

go kick their ass baby i got ur flower-

( he doesn’t go kick their ass but man she wishes he wld )

she’s genuinely devoted to him, however, as much as it sometimes seems as if she’s using him as a means to an end

she DOES do that with a LOT of people, but caius... that’s her baby! her darling! her sweetie pie! fuck everybody else in this house caius, she respects YOU ! 

she jus wants to see him be the best there ever was, and he’s.... p... happy to giv her everything she wants, so their dynamic is actually p equal 

we love to see it

anyway lots of years happened and now she’s here

seattle sucks -athenodora’s official review

but she’s fucking SICK of aro’s shit and thinks her 2020 birthday wld be the best time for an official change of pace

obviously aro can read minds so he knows athenodora has high aspirations but he has learned his fucking lesson w killing ppls mates, i guess

lucky for her!

that’s all i got

hehe

SECTION THREE OF THREE : power.

athenodora is an ungifted vampire in twilight canon, but to that i say : fuck ya chicken strips. in equinox, she be special. her power is life force manipulation, in a pretty unique ( and dare i say ) way.

she was a forty two year old woman, when she was turned. she had lived a life, and she had the MARKS to show for it. but the very first time that she drank human blood from the vein, athenodora realized that she was not as unexceptional as she had always been lead to believe she was. vampires do not change. they’re frozen in time, like statues, portraits, photographs... and yet, before caius’ very eyes - athenodora did what no other vampire could. mere seconds passed, and suddenly ; she was stood before her beloved, decades younger. it lasted as long as her thirst was sated, with her age returning to her as her eyes darkened once more. and it happened all over again, when next she fed. 

over time, she’s come to understand it well enough. she has a particular love of younger humans ; those in their twenties, and thus, physical primes. she thinks that is, in part, down to her gift ; she seeks these out to drink from because when she feeds, she’s not simply drinking their blood, but also, their life force. she’s taking theirs to add to her own.

like many gifted vampires, she has spent time learning what she can of her gift, and learning whether there is some other way to apply it. it took almost two thousand years, but eventually - athenodora discovered that with a touch, her fingertips to their skin ( and a great deal of focus ), she could render another changed, also. it lasts for only a short amount of time - an hour, maybe a little longer, depending on how strong she is. but it works. and it makes her think that, in all her unlimited time : she might just be able to do even more. be a danger. manipulate life force in a way that can DESTROY. she’ll keep on working on that for as long as she lives.