#that shits gay as hell fuck it we ball

[floorpancakes]

fuck it we ball

[azure-clockwork]

I love three houses discourse because I'm pretty sure everyone just picks their route based on which house leader they're the most gay for and then tries to defend their pick by pointing out the other sides's war crimes via twitter memes. Reader, all four of them do substantial quantities of war crimes. So many. We're just here because the woman with Issues and a big fuck-off axe said so, and then we gotta justify everything she did in the name of dismantling the class system. I mean, I'm here for that, but you could also try justifying Charm Man uses poison and perfidy to try to stop racism, A Sad Little Meow Meow gives no quarter instead of doing therapy, or the Thicc Pope tries to bring back her mom via human experimentation, depending on your tastes

[henry7931]

Swap Short: Thanksgiving Edition

Not My Cousin Andrew’s Body!

Jamie:

I loath the thought of Thanksgiving because my family is so freaking weird! Every year we get together and all of us stay in my Uncle’s house for the night before Thanksgiving. And right before bed all of us are forced to play this dumb game. We call it, ‘guess who.’ (Which is nothing like the board game btw.)

Basically everyone randomly swaps bodies with someone else and none of us know who’s in who. We all have to try our best at pretending to know whoever’s body we’re in that year. And the last two who don’t get guessed correctly basically win bragging rights and like $500. I personally don’t want to participate but I don’t have much of a choice.

So when I arrived at my Uncle’s house, I caught up with my family. I felt the my nerves kick in every time someone mentioned the game.

I looked around the room, thinking to myself who would I be comfortable being for a day. Probably my Uncle Peter or maybe my little cousin Davie. I haven’t swapped with either of them yet. But I know one person who I’d hate to swap bodies with… my cousin Andrew. I find him repulsive!

He’s one of those far right guys who just has the most punchable face you’ve ever seen. He looks like he skips a bath every other day and I’m confident that he’s not a fan of gay people. I don’t know, I try to avoid him at all cost. Luckily I haven’t swapped with him yet and I’m hoping it stays that way.

By the time the night started to wrap up, I was so ready to go to bed. I say good night to everyone and laid in bed slowly falling asleep thinking about who I was going to be in the morning.

The Next Day…

As I wake up, it takes me a moment to get my bearings. It’s just so dark in the room but it doesn’t take me long to realize that I was no longer in the room I fell asleep in.

I stumble to find a lamp and turn it on. As I swing my new borrowed legs out of bed. I stared down at the feet that I now control.

I don’t even get up quickly, my mind races eliminating who I could possibly be until i conform who’s stubby toes I’m looking at. Andrews.

“SHITTTT FUCKKK!!! WHHHYYYYYY!!!!”

I stand up feeling Andrew’s heavier frame move and almost want to cry. I look the in mirror confirming what I already knew.

“Well this fucking sucks.”

I stare at his reflection taking it all in when I realize something else. I’m hard as a rock right now.

The bulge underneath his pjs was begging for my attention. And I didn’t want anything to do with it.

I try to ignore it but it’s difficult. His body is just soo horny!

I walk myself through the logistics and my best conclusion was to just close my eyes and pretend I’m in my body.

So I lay back in bed and pull off the pajama bottoms. And the smell of ball sweat fills my nostrils.

My eyes are still closed and I reach down to touch his dick. As his fingers embrace his dick, I feel a rush come over me.

His dick… it’s so sensitive especially his cockhead.

I trace his fingers along his balls and feel so turned on. And it’s like I don’t even have pretend anymore that I’m still myself. Even in my cousins body, it’s kinda hot jerking off with someone else’s dick.

I pump faster and faster… I start to moan. I open my eyes and stare down at my cousin’s junk.

I bring his fingers up and sniff them… they smell like a jockstrap. Who knows the last time he’s washed his dick.

I pump faster and faster…

And then the freaking door swings open!

“What the fuck!”

It’s my body standing at the door. I thought about stopping but I’m too deep into it.

He slams the door shut and runs over.

“Jamie! What the hell dude!!! Stop playing with my dick in front of me.”

“I… can’t …stop! Your body… it’s too…. Horny!!”

“Shit! Here,” he says pulling my fingers off of his dick.

Andrew wraps his fingers around it and starts working it in a way that feels a million times better.

I can’t handle it! I end up cumming everywhere and he’s now soaked in it.

“Are you kidding me??? God of course this is what happens when I swap with my gay cousin!”

“Oh come on!! It’s your body, you think I wanted to do that?”

“Maybe! I don’t know, you’re the one who likes dick!”

“Well it looks like you enjoyed the show too!”

Andrew looks down and he’s now rocking a boner. His face turns red.

“Did you enjoy jerking yourself off?,” I say to him.

He looks away and groans. “Yeah… it was kinda hot.”

“Yeah well I have to say it was hot watching my body doing the work as well. You definitely know your way with your dick”

I look at my boner and get an idea.

I grab Andrew and tug him into bed.

“What are you doing?”

“A favor.”

I pull off the pair of shorts I had on last night and my dick comes flying out.

“Wait! Are you about to?”

I grab my dick and force it down Andrew’s throat.

“Holy shit!” he screams out.

I put in the work and feel him running my hands over his body.

I run my fingers down my balls to my taint and then my hole. He squirms and lets out a little noise as I insert his digits into my hole. He tries to complain until he realizes just how good it feels.

I then pull back and decided to try something a little more freaky.

I laugh to myself thinking about how much of a mind fuck this has to be for my conservative cousin. I take both of his feet and lick them.

“Fuckkkk why is that so hot to watch,” he says to me.

“Oh you like watching me lick your feet? What if I did this…”

I wrap his toes around my dick and start pumping. He’s moaning so loud now and ends up exploding all over them.

And reaches for one of his feet and rubs the cum covered foot on my face.

“Oh my god, that was… that was amazing…” he says out of breath.

I grin at him and say, “ I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“But don’t get any ideas! I’m not gay!!”

“Are you sure? Because you just rubbed your cum covered foot all over.”

He gets agitated and says, “YEAH WELL! ITS ONLY BECAUSE IM IN YOUR GAY ASS BODY!”

I laugh and say , “then why am I not attracted to girls then Andrew?”

“Well… that’s a good point.”

“So how about you whip off my face and go get ready for the day cuz.”

Andrew grabs my shorts and throws them on.

“Don’t forget my face!”

He turns around and grabs a rag. He whips it and throws it on the ground. I giggle loudly as he storms out of the room slamming the door.

“Shit, that almost made this worth it!,” I say laying back in his naked body.

The rest of the day was fun. Mainly because I got to fuck with Andrew the entire time and he couldn’t say shit!

Andrew sat across from me and I pulled off his shoes. And then just one sock.

I sit back in the chair crossing my arms and stared at him while wiggling his toes.

Andrew gazes at them for a minute before standing up and storming out again.

As the day goes on, I watched my family trying there hardest to put up a front for everyone. My little cousin Davie was the first one out, ironically he swapped bodies with my uncle Peter.

He was pretty easy since he kept talking about how cool it was being an adult. Then it was my dad and my grandpa, then my aunt and her son… soon it came down to only four of us.

None of us were aloud to out one another. Now it’s up to the rest of the family to guess. You have my brother Ashton and my other Uncle Jessie. And then me and Andrew.

But it was one wrong guess that lead me to a victory. ✌️ Yep! I won the game (and so did Andrew technically).

We both got ushered to the front and they asked us to say a few words.

I speak up and say, “Well, I’m happy I swapped with Andrew this year. I feel like we got to know each other better and can’t say we’ve ever been closer. Is that right Andrew?” I say wrapping his strong arm around him.

“Yeah… I agree, we’re so much closer now.”

“Well good job guys!,” I says Uncle Pete in Davie body.

I grin and discreetly grab one of my butt cheeks which causes Andrew to blush.

I hear him say under his breath, “I hate you.”

“Yeah well, you got a few more hours and then we get to do this again next year,” I say softly back to him.

“Great…”

We all head to the dinner table and I purposely sit across from Andrew.

“So who’s ready for some turkey?”

[cherryswisherz]

KARMIC BALANCE ✷ PROLOGUE

✷WARNINGS cursing, smoking, throwing up

✷NIYAHSPEAKS you can for sure read this on wattpad if you hate the layout lol. my wp is @ g4peswishers

✦✦✦✦

FRESHMAN YEAR

As a 19 year old black woman going to a PWI, I can tell you two things.

1: These white boys are fucking crazy. They don't know how to take no for an answer. They don't even know how to take "I'm gay." for an answer. And then they act all butthurt when you slap the spit out their mouth for testing your gangsta.

2. The education is the same as an HBCU, but the culture, obviously is not. I'm bored of my mind. This is like highschool on downers, instead of steroids. These motherfuckers don't even have the Divine Nine, which is complete and utter insanity to me.

But here I am, black as hell, listening to Professor Micheals drone on about how trchnology is ruining the world as we know it.

What the fuck ever.

But still, regardless of whether I believe this bullshit, I need to know it to pass this class. So like a good little student, I'm taking notes, highlighting and annotating like my life depends on it.

Now you may be asking, "Xavia, if you hate this shit so much, why the fuck would you apply to a PWI?" and that's a great question. I'll answer it like this. When you grow up black at a predominantly white highschool, you don't really get the option of being anything other than the token black gay girl. Which means that you spend your years perfecting your customer service voice. You spend hours researching the perfect contour routine to conceal the width of your nose. You waste so many tears, wondering why the girls at your middle school never look at you how you look at them, or why the boys you talk to always ask dumb shit, like "Do you say the N-word?"

The short answer to your question is, I had no choice. As much as I wish I had the balls to tell my parents that I got into Howard, I didn't. So the whitewashed version will have to do it. But I'm not that insecure idiot anymore. I've learned to love my blackness. Now, I rock the bare-face look. And I would rather shit in my hands and clap, than beg someone to notice me.

I didn't even realize that I'd zoned out until I saw people getting up, bags packed, shuffling to get out of the lecture hall as quickly as possible.

 It's Friday. There's gotta be a party or something tonight, so everyone's itching to get home and throw on a crop top and shorts and get #whitegirlwasted.

 Not me, y'all stay safe though. I will be sitting pretty, in my dorm room, enjoying my loneliness while I can, knowing that Jane, my roommate, will soon return shitfaced and obnoxiously loud. Jane is one of the only other black girls here, and of course, they made her my roommate. I'm not complaining though. Since the beginning of the semester, she's become my best friend. She's the opposite of me. Loves partying and social situations.

 "Come on, Xavi! It'll be fun." Jane's currently begging me to go to this party with her, but she already knows I won't give in.

 "Jane, I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do less, than go to a frat party."

  And that was that. She was gone and I was free to do what I do best. Rot in my loneliness.

  Now in my sweats and wife beater, I grab my "make-up" bag and step out into the warm air, preparing myself for the 15 minute walk ahead by putting my airpods on max volume, and allowing Jhene Aiko to take me somewhere otherworldly.

The walk is fast, because I've done it so many times. When I reach the park, I take my usual seat on the swings and light the joint I'd rolled two days ago. As I smoke I allow my mind to wander.

     What would I be doing right now if I'd gone to Howard?

     Who would I be if my parents never went to medical school?

 These are things that flood my mind daily. And when they do, I don't get sad. I just smile at the alternate realities I've created for myself.

 I spent the rest of my session thinking about Xavi Johnson, Howard student. I spent the walk back thinking about how far I've come from who I used to be. I can't get rid of the smile that's stuck on my face.

 I hear the awful sound of gagging as soon as I step to my dorm room door. When I open the door I'm not surprised to see Jane hunched over our trash bin, gasping for breath. What I am surprised at is the tall blonde girl that's squatting down next to her, holding her hair back.

"Jane, what the fuck?" I ask.

The blonde rises and turns around at the sound of my voice and looks at me with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. "Oh shit. Uh, I'm Paige." Paige nods down towards Jane, who's position hasn't changed whatsoever. "She had too much to drink."

I laughed at this as I tossed my bag on my bed. "Yeah, no shit."

The girl in front of me has to be the most effortlessly gorgeous girl I've ever met. Her face is bare, but everything about her screams 'natural beauty.' From the perfect arch of her nose to the way her cheekbones from her heart shaped face to the tip of her cupids-bow. Her hair looks soft but I know better than to touch it. She's just fucking beautiful. And yes, it has occurred to me that I am in a relationship, and my girlfriend loves me very much so I should probably stop staring at the literal goddess in front of me and speak.

"Oh shit. Uh, I'm Paige." Then I realize she doesn't only want to know who I am, but why I'm in her dorm. "She had too much to drink." No shit sherlock.

And this girl, whoever she is, didn't ask any further questions. She just set her bag down and walked over to Jane, whose face was first in her trash can. "Yeah, no shit." She smiles lazily and the sway in her hips is addictive. "I'm Xavia. Jane's my roommate."

Xavia?! Even her fucking name is pretty.

"Xavi, I was this close to getting us league babies." Jane groans, keeping her head in the trash bin, but raising her hand to put her fingers in a pinch position. "I almost bagged her, but I-" and then she was cut off by her own vomit.

"Um, yeah. She knows my teammate... who is also shitfaced." I shook my head at the reminder that Nika threw up in our kitchen sink.

"Oh right... you're the basketball player that all straight girls love." Xavia said, helping Jane to her feet, allowing her to put her weight on her side. "Sorry it took me a minute to recognize you. You're blonder in person." She dropped her roommate onto the twin bed and rolled her to her side. "How does it feel to be the person women will tell their kids about when they talk about their college adventures as a temporary lesbian?" Now she's grabbed the trash bin and placed it by Jane's bed.

As she spoke I felt myself get severely irritated with her.

Who the fuck does this girl think she is?

"I wouldn't know. I don't fuck anyone who's not my girlfriend, and I for sure don't fuck straight girls."

The small snicker she lets out should piss me off, and it does. But it also makes me wish she never spoke again. Only laughed.

"Something funny?" I ask.

"No. I just didn't know you had a girlfriend." Now she's moving her make-up bag from her bed and walking towards the tiny cabinet that comes in all of these dorms. I silently thank God that I never had to stay in these. "I apologize for the assumption."

Apologize?

"You apologize for the assumption?" Xavia was confusing the fuck out of me. She seems like she had far too much pride to apologize to anyone, let alone a random stranger.

The look she gives me tells me she thinks I'm a moron. "Has your head hit the court a little too many times? I'm apologizing to you and you're acting like I cursed your first born."

"Nah, I know what you said, but you don't seem like the type to apologize." I raise an arm and dramatically point it at her. "You've got this whole 'don't let the evil eye fool you' look going on."

"And you got that from 5 minutes in a room with me?" She fully laughs this time. "You shouldn't let the evil eye fool you, but I'm not so full of myself that I can't apologize when I make an ass of myself."

Before I have the chance to respond and accept her apology, my phone rings.

It's Farrah.

For a second, I debate the outcome of not answering, but I don't feel like arguing when I get back to the house so I slide to answer the call.

"Hey Faye."

"Paige, where the hell are you?" Her voice is like venom to me.

"Uh, I was just dropping off Nika's friend at her dorm room. I'm on my way back."

"We need to talk when you get home, call me when you get there."

I don't want to call her when I get home. I want to sleep when I get home. But, Farrah has my location and Life360 so I can't tell her I fell asleep while waiting for my phone to charge.

"Okay Faye. I love you, bye." I don't wait for her to say it back before I hang up.

Looking over to Xavia who is now on her laptop typing furiously, I think of something to say before I leave. "Sorry about that. Girlfriend duties." Nodding to Jane who is snoring softly in the bed I tell her to keep an eye on her and I head out.

But I can't leave without talking to her again. "You should go out with her next time. You seem cool."

Her eyes leave the laptop but she doesn't turn around fully. "I hate partying and I'm not willing to throw my karmic balance off by lying to you and saying I'll think about it. I won't."

"Karmic balance?"

"Google it." Is all I get before she returns her focus to her computer. "Goodbye, Paige."

Walking out of her dorm puts a weird pit in my stomach and I silently pray that this won't be the last time we see each other.

✷TAGLIST @patscorner @riyahtheballer @mattslolita @thaatdigitaldiary @janaelalfysblunt @mrsengstler @kmoneymartini @sageworld

@darkskinchristiandiorpostergirl @justliketoreadsowhat @pb524830 @pb524830 @dnftpn @sierrale8ne @numberonepartyanth3m

@pppaaiiiggggeeeeee @uwupaige @paigeluvvr @colorthecosmos444 @authentic-girl03 @makethemhoesmad @lovegalor333

@sellasstories @heart4caitlin @avvwritesstufff @st4rrzynight @bueckersp @paxaz535

@mrsarnold

[curtain-caller]

So I'm looking forward to seeing all the interpretations and headcanons people make for The Lucky Contestant (who I will also join in calling them "Lucky"), but I'm curious... Okay, raise of hands, who else here also pictures Lucky as a crafty, greedy, overconfident, sassy, morally bankrupt little shit (affectionate)? Or is that just me? Idk I just get those vibes from their choices in the game (elaboration below)

Like... the implications that they were combing through hundreds of boxes to get a tape to join the show??? That they were counting the boxes and keeping track??? The fact that the only way to escape at the start is to run PAST the giant fucking beast mauling another contestant instead of running AWAY from it??? Not to mention them leaving the other remaining contestants behind in doing so.

The fact they didn't hesitate when Deputy Duck pecked at them, fucking grabbing him by the neck and throwing him against the wall??? That screamed "I'm not fucking around, are you going to cooperate or not?" kind of energy. The way they barely move when they come across the Real Frankie in front of the monitors??? Like, I know you can't move during that segment probably so you don't just miss the cutscene, but in-universe, Lucky has ample opportunity to turn and fucking run, and we know damn well their fear response isn't freeze, it's flight.

Just. The entire noob noob section. I feel like they flinched one time during that and that was when they caught the first one, but only because the explosion caught them off guard. That slowed them down for 1 second, maximum. Hell, I've seen a few players laugh at that part, I feel like Lucky would too. The fact that there's no objectives to even try to escape Frankie's great value Parkour Civilization??? Like, in a game like this, I'd expect at one point for there to be an attempt to just escape the game entirely once shit hit the fan, only for the protagonist to realize the only way out is to begrudgingly play along and win. But nope. Lucky came here for the money, and they're getting that money. AND THE FACT THEY DO??? AND THEY'RE THE FIRST EVER ONE TO DO SO??? The way they just strut back into Frankie's office after their 57th near-death experience and look him right in the eye??? The whole ending segment where they go for another season??? It's not framed at all like they were forced to go again, because the Real Frankie just offered his hand out, and when we cut back, Lucky is casually looking at the ratings screen while standing on top of a pile of corpses. There are open gaps on the floor they can be standing on instead! But nope, just chilling on top of some dead bodies. Obviously we can't tell what their facial expressions are with the mask on, but they don't seem afraid or even all that tense about their situation either. To me, Lucky is the type of guy to go "I'm not gay, but 20 bucks is 20 bucks". Lucky is the type of guy to go "No, I'm taking the 5 million" only to sprint through that fucking door when Frankie whispers "Double or nothing". Lucky is the type of guy to walk past an old dead competitor and mutter "skill issue" under their breath. Lucky is the kind of guy to roll around in the glass money ball for enrichment like a hamster in a hamster ball. Lucky's the type of guy to keep going for season after season, for more and more money, until eventually they're not even doing it for the money anymore, relishing in the adrenaline rush and the glory instead. I just really love the idea that the reason why Lucky made it to the end so successfully was not only because of their skills and quick thinking, but because they also match Frankie's freak. Frankie was right: They need each other. They compliment each other. They enable each other in the worst ways possible. One wants to put the other through gradually more elaborate and deadly situations to increase ratings, and the other runs headfirst into those situations with the same energy as someone going cliff diving. It's like enrichment for them.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

I remember reading someone say that they hope Seviathan ISN’T a jerk and if/when he comes to the hotel, he actually wants to help Charlie in her mission of redemption…then ends up with a crush on Vaggie, lol.

Mate, how funny would that be? 😂😂😂 You’re here to genuinely help your ex, then end up falling for her girlfriend. While it isn’t socially acceptable or appropriate, I think it’s cute. I guess Vags has that sort of affect on people.

oh man, if we go the absolute CHAD route for Sevi WHILE imagining him getting a crush on Vaggie... like, dude meets scary lady, doesn't notice how scary his EX gets over him staring at HER girlfriend, and maybe it's time for Sev to have some personal epiphanies?

Seviathan: "Knock knock? Yo Charles-a-lot! This really your hotel?"

Angel Dust: "Oh heyyy, look what the undead boy band dragged in..."

Husk: (snorts)

Charlie: "Sev? SEV! Holy shit what are you doing here!?"

Angel Dust: "Wait a sec, Sev? As in-"

Husk: "Oh shit."

Angel Dust: "Ex boyfriend on the hotel premises oh this is gonna get INTERESTIN'. Bet on how quick he gets maimed?"

Husk: "Fuck no. She'd kill us too."

Angel Dust: "Sigh... S'pose so. Spoil sport spear bitch..."

Seviathan: "I heard about your thing! Figured you could use a hand with the whole... uh... Sinner pet project obsession."

Charlie: "But Isn't there a game on right now-"

Seviathan: "Nah, everything's blocked out by replays of your little slap fight with heaven. Which I totally could've helped with too, if you'd given me a heads up first."

Charlie: "I did call? I said goodbye in case I died and-"

Seviathan: "Didn't hear it. You know I don't check voice mail. Everyone's always blowing up my inbox trying to to hit me up."

Angel Dust: "Oh my fucking gay."

Husk: "Would you hit that?"

Angel Dust: "If I did ya'd have to shoot me afterwards."

Seviathan: "Anyway, that's how I found out you'd actually went ahead and tried this thing out for real! And made a real mess of it. You totally cut off the final quarter of the best game of the year with all that live coverage."

Charlie: "Sorry, sorry- we REALLY didn't have say in the timing on that-"

Husk: "No shit."

Seviathan: "Eh. The team's played like shit anyway ever since I left."

Charlie: "Didn't you get kicked off for hogging the ball-"

Angel Dust: "Shocker."

Husk: "Never would have fucking guessed."

Seviathan: "Not dropping the ball isn't the same as hogging it and I never drop the ball on anything. You sure have though!"

Charlie: "I have? Where? Or er with what??"

Seviathan: "This hotel lobby for a start. Where's the billiards table!"

Charlie: "Ohhh. We don't have one."

Seviathan: "Why the hell not???"

Charlie: "No one's asked?"

Seviathan: "Well what the fuck does everyone here DO all day long? You've got actual people staying here, right? You're not still playing pretend hostess to stuffed animals and stuff?"

Angel Dust: "I kinda hope Vaggisaurus kills him."

Husk: "Don't get your hopes up. You know she's whipped and Charlie's a fucking sweetheart."

Angel Dust: "A bestie can dream..."

Charlie: "No I am NOT playing pretend hostess, thanks for mentioning it by the way, in public, in front of my friends- and yes we DO have guests at the hotel! Some of them here of their own free will even!"

Husk: "Not it."

Angel Dust: "Bullshit."

Charlie: "They have lots of fun activity time too! Even when we're not doing talk circles!"

Seviathan: "Uh huh."

Charlie: "Yes! Mostly we all like watching TV- well almost all of us- or listening to the radio to pass the time, or hanging out chatting, or reading-"

Seviathan: "So they're pussies."

Husk: "Hey."

Angel Dust: "Down, pussycat~"

Husk: (HISS)

Charlie: "They are NOT-"

Angel Dust: "Speakin' of pussy...."

Seviathan: "Yeah we're talking about you, what about it? Anyway."

Seviathan: (puts hand on charlie's arm)

Angel Dust: "Here it comes-"

Seviathan: "I've been thinking about us lately, and-" (spear thuds next to his head) "-SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT?!?!"

Husk: "Damn. She missed."

Angel Dust: "Just an openin' shot, Mr. Whiskers." (rubs all four hands together) "Oh this is gonna be goooood~"

Charlie: "Vaggie!" (BEAMING) "I thought we talked about this?"

Vaggie: (swoops down) "He's not a gust yet, babe, so I can greet him spear first if I want to."

Charlie: "Sev's my ex boyfriend though!"

Vaggie: "I know."

Vaggie: (yanks spear out of wall and holds it under his throat) "What the fuck are you doing here."

Seviathan: "I, uhh- is, is that angelic steel..?"

Charlie: (laughing) "Vaggieeee. You're scaring him~"

Angel Dust: "An' turnin' her on."

Husk: (elbows him)

Vaggie: "We said hotel security would be my thing until the threat of random asshole angel attacks went down, remember hun? This is my day job."

Charlie: "I never said I was complaining! Juuuust commentating!"

Vaggie: "Alright then."

Vaggie: (backs Seviathan against wall with her spear)

Vaggie: "Talk. Now."

Seviathan: (swallows hard) "I'm swinging by to help Charlie with the hotel thing-"

Vaggie: "Why."

Seviathan: "She used to be my girl, a guy's got a responsibility-"

Vaggie: "Did she ask you to."

Seviathan: "No? She, she doesn't have to-"

Vaggie: "Did you ask her if you could help."

Seviathan: "It's no trouble, I don't mind a little extra work-"

Vaggie: "Are you here to ask for a room in our hotel."

Seviathan: "In this place? Fuck no, you should see the digs I have, I've got a-"

Vaggie: "So you're trespassing."

Angel Dust: "Ohhh!"

Seviathan: "I'm wha-"

Husk: "Fucking screwed."

Vaggie: "You came here just to swan all over her hard work and stroke your own ego, is what I'm hearing."

Seviathan: "Hey girl, I'm here to he-ULP-!"

Vaggie: "Shut up." (over shoulder) "Charlie?"

Charlie: "Mm....wellllll... Since he's already here, as long he really does help, I'm fine with it. He's harmless. He'd just... um..."

Husk: "A fuckhead."

Angel Dust: "Don't take my fav word in vain, baby."

Charlie: "He's my ex for a reason."

Husk: "Fuck you."

Angel Dust: "Much better."

Vaggie: "He's your ex for an annoying reason, or for being an actual jerk who's earned getting kicked out on his ass for once in his life kinda reason, sweetie?"

Nifty: (popping up from floorboards) "Is he a BAAAAD BOYYYY~?"

Seviathan: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAt-"

Vaggie: "What part of shut up there's a spear at your throat don't you get."

Seviathan: (jaw clicks shut)

Charlie: "Nope! He's not a boy boy! Just annoying! Mostly."

Nifty: "DAMN IT."

Angel Dust: "How's the huntin' goin' today, Nif?"

Nifty: (pouts) "The last baby bug got away... I hadn't even finished ripping it's little legs off while the mother bug watched it squirm..." (slinks back under floor)

Everyone else: "....."

Charlie: "... so! (claps hands)

Charlie: "Sev, if you really wanna help out that's fine, we're still finishing up the last touches on the new hotel if you feel like doing a little paint work and furniture moving!"

Seviathan: "....."

Charlie: "Sev?"

Seviathan: "..."

Angel Dust: "Think we broke him."

Husk: "I think it's the fucking spear pressed up against his fucking windpipe."

Charlie: "Oh! Whoops. Vaggie, please?"

Vaggie: ".... fiiiine."

Vaggie: (steps back) (wipes spear on nearby curtains) "Answer her."

Seviathan: (staring) "What's your name?"

Vaggie: "Hotel manager. Answer her."

Seviathan: "Charlie-" (still staring at vaggie) "-I would LOVE to help set up your pet sinner terrarium thing!"

Vaggie: "Our WHAT."

Husk & Angel Dust: "Hey!"

Charlie: "It's a hotel, Sev."

Seviathan: "Uh huh yeah sure, that thing!"

Vaggie: (lifts spear)

Charlie: (gently pushes gf spear back down) "Oh I'm going to regret this... ok. Let's, get you some gloves and stuff."

Seviathan: "Alright!" (holds hand up to vaggie) "Give me some skin!"

Vaggie: "...." (lifts spear again)

Charlie: "Excuse us Sev just ONE moment!"

Charlie: (pulls gf safe distance away)

Charlie: "Vaggie..? You okay?"

Vaggie: "Fine."

Charlie: "You're eye's, um. Twitching." (tenderly brushes fringe away from gf's eye) "Are you okay with this? He doesn't have to stay."

Vaggie: "No. It's fine." (sighs) "I want to be okay with it."

Charlie: "It's okay if you're not!"

Vaggie: "I will be, sweetie. Just give me a minute." (leans up for kiss) "But. I need to go do a Niffty and stab something. Really hard. Right now. And if I stay here one minute more, it's gonna be him."

Charlie: "Okay." (giggles) "Have fun stabbing things that aren't my ex?"

Vaggie: "I'll try to."

Seviathan: "Oh hey I'm awesome at stabbing! And the thrusting!"

Angel Dust: "PLEASE stick around, toots."

Husk: (mumbling) "Please fucking stick him."

Seviathan: "Long hard things are totally my thing, I could give you a few pointers on handling them no problem!"

Vaggie: "No."

Seviathan: "Oh come on, how about a hands on demonstration-"

Vaggie: (at charlie) "Keep him away from the kitchen knifes. He looks like he'd stab himself showing off and make a mess."

Charlie: "Heheh~ I'll try to."

Vaggie: "Good luck with that babe." (smooches her) (flies off to go stab)

Seviathan: "...."

Seviathan: "She single?"

Charlie: "She- NO? She is not??"

Angel Dust: (whisper hissing) "Is he blind? Didn't they just kiss???"

Seviathan: "We'll she's gonna be single soon, but not for long."

Husk: "He's dead."

Demon Charlie: "Her girlfriend is ME, Seviathan."

Seviathan: "Girlfriend? So she's-"

Demon Charlie: "VERY VERY GAY and TAKEN, YES."

Seviathan: "Wait, with you? Seriously??"

Demon Charlie: "Yes. Me. For s e v e r a l. Happy. Years."

Husk: (lifts bottle) "Cheers motherfuckers."

Seviathan: "Ohhh, so all that making out with you she did, it wasn't just her flirting with m-"

Angel Dust: "Holy. Fuck."

Demon Charlie: "SHE WASN't FLIRTING WITH YOU! SHE LOVES ME- SHE WANTS TO KILL YOU!!!"

Seviathan: "I'd let her, to be honest. She's hot."

Husk: "Let her?"

Angel Dust: "Dude."

Husk: "The fuck does he mean, let her? He wouldn't have a fucking choice-"

Demon Charlie: "On second thought maybe you SHOULD'NT help out with the hotel, actually!"

Demon Charlie: (grabbing him by scruff of the neck and marching towards door) "It was VERY nice of you to drop by, PLEASE go have a good rest of your life, you'll probably have a LONGER one if you live it away from here!"

Seviathan: "Aww Charlie, getting nervous over having competition?"

Husk: (spits out drink)

Demon Charlie: "You are SOOOOOO not competition! You might end up being another hotel fatality though!"

Angel Dust: "Bet on which of 'em kills him first?"

Husk: "Shut up I'm trying to listen."

Seviathan: "I just think a woman like that should have her pick from the best hell can offer!"

Demon Charlie: "I'm the princess of hell???"

Seviathan: "Sure, but you hardly ever act like it."

Demon Charlie: "I...! She, she doesn't mind me being like me. She-"

Seviathan: "What, a commanding woman like that is fine with a spineless partner? No offence. But come on."

Angel Dust: "Alright, now I'm gonna kill him."

Husk: "Let her do it herself."

Angel Dust: "Hmph!"

Seviathan: "She's never asked you to try being more of an actual princess sometimes?"

Demon Charlie: "No, she... Not like, not like that..."

Seviathan: "Not like that, huh?"

Demon Charlie: "No." (yanks open door) "And our relationship has NOTHING to do with you."

Seviathan: (grabbing doorframe) "But you know it could."

Demon Charlie: "NO IT WON'T. COULDN'T! WILL NOT, EVER!!!!"

Seviathan: "So why're you throwing me out of your silly hotel thing, then?"

Demon Charlie: "....."

Seviathan: "Scaaaared...?"

Demon Charlie: (drops him) (shuts door) "I trust her."

Seviathan: "Said like no one who ever got dumped so their girl could be with me."

Demon Charlie: "I trust her not to ACTUALLY kill you, I mean."

Seviathan: "Fuck I hope she tries... Maybe I'll let her pin me again."

Husk: (SNORTS) "'Let her'..."

Angel Dust: "He's gonna earn a fucking Darwin award at this rate."

Seviathan: (dusting ash off himself) "Kinda impressed you got all demon-ed so fast for this though. That's new!"

Charlie: "I've told you, it only happens when I'm PISSED. OFF."

Angel Dust: "YEAH DOLLFACE GET HIS ASS!"

Seviathan: "I know but like, it used to take a lot to get you all riled up. I hardly ever got to see you like this in bed even. Maybe if it'd been easier we'd still be a thing?"

Charlie: "You know I realllly really doubt it since I dumped YOU."

Husk: "HA!"

Angel Dust: "WOOOOO! BURRRRRN!"

Charlie: "And I dumped you partly BECAUSE you kept trying to 'rile me up' so you could try having sexy scary demon sex with me!"

Angel Dust: "OHHHHH!!!!"

Charlie: "Not that you ever even DID!"

Husk: "Fuck yes."

Charlie: "Because I always had waaaaay more fun sleeping on the COUCH!"

Husk & Angel Dust: (high five)

Seviathan: "...."

Seviathan: "So that's a no to having a threesome with us once I'm dating your soon to be ex girlfriend, huh?"

Demon Charlie: "SEV-"

Charlie: (deep breath)

Charlie: "... why do you even think you like her, Seviathan? You don't know her. She doesn't like you. You don't even know her name."

Seviathan: "She's hot."

Charlie: "Can We Try To Be More Specific, Please."

Seviathan: "I don't know? It was cute how she tried bullying me against a wall like that. All snapping orders like she was some kinda drill sergeant, or like a hot coach lady, treating me like some kinda bug crawling by her shoe- Who doesn't think that's hot?"

Charlie: "...."

Charlie: "Ohhhh."

Angel Dust: "Oh FUCK!"

Husk: (laughing) "The motherfucking alpha man-"

Angel Dust: "He's a fucking sub!!!!"

Seviathan: "What, like the sandwich? Shit. Are my pants fitting too tight again-"

Charlie: "Angel Dust."

Angel Dust: "Yesssss oh fearless leader...?

Charlie: (covers eyes) (turns) (escapes)

Charlie: "He's all yours."

Seviathan: "Whoa wait, where're you going-"

Charlie: "I'm gonna go surprise MY longtime girlfriend with kisses!"

Seviathan: "Hold on don't leave me with these two! Charlie!?"

Charlie: (already gone)

Seviathan: "For fuck's sake then I'm outta here too! I didn't come here to hang out with lame guys-"

Angel Dust: "Oh my little baby boy."

Angel Dust: (grins) (leans in) ".....how's the idea of a woman standin' over you with a whip make ya feel?"

Seviathan: "Good?"

Angel Dust: "Mm-hmm. An' if ya was wearing a collar?"

Seviathan: "..." (takes off hat) (holds it over crotch)

Husk: "Great. Another horrible memory to drown away with booze." (swigs)

Angel Dust: (draping arm around seviathan) "C'mon, let's find ya a dom who WON'T for real rail you with her spear~"

Seviathan: "Oh whoa."

Husk: "Oh fucking save me booze..." (down in one)

Niffty: (sobbing under floorboards)

Husk: "What the fuck? What's wrong with you?"

Niffty: "Th-the bad boys..." (sniffling) "... why are so many of them turning out LAME? Even the king of HELL asked me if I was OKAY when he stepped out his door in his ducky slippers and found me lying in front of it like a rug! WHAT IS WRONG WITH BAD MEN THESE DAYS!?"

Husk: "...."

Husk: "Here."

Husk: (hands down drink)

Niffty: (hands popping out to grabby grabby) "IT'S SO SAAAAAD HUSK!" (snatches) (gulps) (gulps) (faint thump and snoring)

Husk: "I can't fucking believe I risked my fucking life for this place."

Husk: (smiles anyway)

[infinityinakiss]

arcane incorrect quotes: jayvik (+ mel) edition

mel: i know you love them.

jayce: i am not in love with viktor!

mel, staring at jayce: i never said who...

jayce: *realizes*

jayce: shit. well, anyways-

jayce: the stars are so beautiful...

viktor: they're just giant balls of gas.

jayce: you know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-

viktor: and yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

jayce: oh...

viktor: two bros!

jayce: chillin' in a hot tub!

viktor: five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!

jayce:

viktor:

jayce: *tearing up*

viktor: babe, c'mon...

jayce: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.

viktor: babe...

jayce: working sucks.

jayce: i want to be a malewife where my only responsibilities are being sexy and cute.

jayce: i want to be with you for the rest of my life.

viktor: damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.

jayce, getting down on one knee: that's 'cause it is.

mel: so are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?

viktor: well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so i said "jayce, deer!"

mel: ...and what did jayce do?

viktor: ...they said "yes, honey?"

jayce: someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

viktor: but they said not to touch the masterpieces.

jayce: well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.

mel, on a walkie talkie: this is mel, those idiots are fucking around in the east wing again.

viktor: i don't need to go to bed. i'm not tired, i'll be fine. jayce : but, darling, i'll be so lonely without you. come curl up in my arms so i can feel whole again. viktor: o-oh. well. are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? jayce : is it working?

viktor: hey, about that love letter you sent me- jayce : *blushes* what are your thoughts? viktor: the fourth sentence- jayce : yeah, that’s where i got really emotional and i- viktor: it’s “you’re” not “your”.

jayce : i'm going the fight the next person who insults viktor. viktor: i hate myself. jayce : alright, square up.

viktor: ugh, crushes are so dumb. jayce : i know. whenever i’m near the person i like i just start acting stupid. viktor: but you’re always acting stupid? jayce : … jayce : yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

viktor: a decision had to be made. jayce : and you fucked it up!

jayce, trying to flirt: so, you come around here often? viktor, confused: i mean, this is my house, so yeah.

mel: i dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room. viktor: screw that, i’m not kissing any of you. *jayce walks in* viktor: fine, i’ll do it. rules are rules you know.

jayce : look, i know you think my judgement's clouded because i like viktor a little bit. mel, holding jayce 's notepad: you doodled your wedding invitation. jayce : no, that's our joint tombstone. mel: my mistake.

*something crashes* viktor: shoot- jayce : *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?! mel: *walking by the room calmly* what died?

mel: underestimate me. that'll be fun.

jayce : once mel thanked me and i couldn’t decide between “no problem!” and “no worries!” so i yelled “no worms!” to them as they walked away.

jayce : hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers? viktor: peonies, why? jayce : viktor: were you going to get me flowers? jayce : viktor: jayce : ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

Band AU: Hazbin Hotel

Because there's always a band AU.

-666 News Broadcast Theme Plays through the dive bar cafe from the small, flickering TV in the corner-

Katie Killjoy: Breaking News in the Pop industry today! Our sunshine and rainbows, Mandy Moore wannabe, and Princess of Hell, Charlotte Morningstar, has come out with a new music video to help promote a brand new album that appears to have been conjured up seemingly overnight.

Angel: Hey, Vagina! (Elbows Vaggie) Ain't that your girl crush from the open band night down at Husk's Casino two months ago?

Vaggie: (chokes on her coffee) What?! Turn it up, Jackass!

Angel: (steals the remote from across the bartop and turns up the TV)

Tom Trench: And, boy howdy, this makeover is on par with most Disney child stars diving off the deep end!

Katie Killjoy: (spears a pen through Tom's hand) No one gives a shit Tom.

Tom Trench: MY HAND!!!

Katie Killjoy: Spectators and fans of our usually diabetically sweet princess feel that this sudden shift is caused by her breakup with Seviathan Von Eldritch just last month, ending the royal arranged engagement, after he mentioned how she refused to "put out" before marriage in an interview with Hell's High Class Weekly.

Vaggie: (bristles) The douchebag....

Katie Killjoy: Let's watch as our lovely princess makes her breakdown public.

-Screen shifts to Charlie holding a mic in one hand while picking a guitar in another, wearing 2000's Avril Lavigne glam rock attire (hot pink, baggy cargo pants, black leather studded belt, rainbow converse, black leather wrist bands, grey tank top with two black goats faced just the right way so their curved horns make a heart and tied together with a rainbow knot, and a black and red stripped tie) Razzle and Dazzle are playing drums and bass-

Charlie: Don't you know that IIIIIIIII- (flips off the camera and sticks out her tongue while mouthing "Fuck you, Seviathan" as the song reaches its climax) I don't give a daaaaaaaamn about you!!! I won't give it up, not for you!!! I'm not gonna cry about some stupid guy. A guy who thinks he's all that!

Vaggie: Whoa! (Big smiles like when Adam got stabbed) Get it, Charlie!

Katie Killjoy: (as the screen returns to normal) Other songs on the album include "Behind These Crimson Eyes", "The Dick Who Blocked His Own Shot", "Smack a Bitch", "Since U Been Gone", and the gay community's rabid favorite "Dear Vaggie"-

Angel: (sucking down his third popsicle for breakfast) What now?

Vaggie: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Katie Killjoy: -The obviously plagiarized parody of "Cool for the Summer" by Demi Lovato has unsubtle lesbian and bisexual overtones that specifically mentions Vaggie "the Steel Vagina". The lead singer and guitarist of the Power/Grunge Metal band, Fallen Angels

Angel: (wheezes as he laughs breathlessly and falls off his stool)

Vaggie: (steaming) Angel!!! ¡Eres un chupapollas, hijo de puta! Why would you tell the news that was my name?!

Angel: (ugly walrus gasps and giggles) Because it's better than I ever dreamed!!!!

Katie Killjoy: Fans of both artists are absolutely frothing at the mouth to see what Vaggie's response will be.

Tom Trench: Frothing at the mouth and other orifices, if you catch my drift. (Gets a pen slammed into his balls) GaaAhaHaaaaHaha!

Katie Killjoy: More on this story tonight at eleven.

Vaggie:

Angel: Soooooo~ Whatcha wanna doooooo~?

Vaggie: We're going to Tune Town, getting a copy of that album-

Angel: Ooooooooh-hohohoooooh~ I can visit dat nice glory hole they got there.

Vaggie: -THEN!!! We are going back to the apartment and making a response single.

Angel: Do you know what you even want to put in it?

Vaggie: (slipping on her jacket) I'll figure it out after listening to the album!

[novacorpsrecruit]

Holding a Double Edged Sword (for my heart’s protection)

T | wc 15,004 | no cw

Read full fic on Ao3

“Congrats on being straight,” Gareth greeted as Eddie walked into the Emerson’s garage.

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie hissed. Steve sometimes swung by the garage to listen to them play. Another EddieandSteve moment. “Who told you.”

“Robin,” Gareth grinned. “We had a family get together last night. Our cousin’s in town for a few weeks and our parents want to do shit together.”

“Shit,” Eddie said, slinging his Warlock over his shoulder. He started to pluck at the strings, his fingers finding that familiar lovesick melody. “I forgot you guys are cousins.”

“Out of anyone in Hawkins, at least it’s Robin,” Gareth shrugged, casually stepping on the bass pedal keeping time as Eddie plays. “Is that Speedwagon?”

“Shut up,” Eddie said, switching to a Metallica riff. “Anyways drop it. We don’t need to talk about it.”

“Talk about what?” Jeff asked, ducking underneath the half raised garage door. “Eddie’s boner over Steve?”

“Go to hell, Jeff,” Eddie snapped.

“No one’s judging you,” Jeff said hands raised. “Didn’t mean to offend you, or whatever.”

“He’s straight,” Gareth supplied. Eddie stopped playing and shot a glare at Gareth. Gareth shrugged.

“Since when?” Jeff laughed. “You, the only straight guy in our band?”

“Who’s straight?” Freak asked, entering from the door connected to the house.

“Eddie,” Jeff and Gareth said.

Freak laughed. Eddie fucking hated every single one of them.

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said, turning his attention back to his guitar. He picked at the strings, trying not to think of his fuck up. “I’m breaking up the band.”

“So soon?”

Eddie nearly broke a string as he looked up to see Steve duck his head under the garage door. He took a seat at the abandoned loveseat that never made it to the curb. Steve tossed a Tupperware of muffins on the side table.

“I figured there would be at least two albums before someone starts acting like a diva,” Steve grinned.

“You know Eddie,” Gareth grinned, suddenly under Eddie’s glare. “Always throwing curve balls.”

Steve let out a laugh. “Right.”

There was a quick moment of uncertainty that flashed over Steve’s face as he glanced between Gareth and Eddie. He leaned forward in the chair.

“Hey, uh, Jeff. Frank —“

“The government name,” Freak said, holding the bass guitar quiet. “This is serious.”

“Kind of — I mean — yeah — I —“ Steve ran his hand through his hair. Gareth gave a nod. Eddie turned to look at Steve, who was looking at him for something.

Oh.

Oh shit.

He wanted to come out.

Eddie gave a confirming nod, like Gareth.

“I —uh — hope it doesn’t change anything,” Steve continued, keeping his attention on Eddie before glancing back to Jeff and Freak. “I’m bisexual. I like both girls and guys.”

There was a quick beat of silence as suddenly Jeff and Freak processed their conversation moments ago.

“Oh!” Jeff finally spoke up, actually surprised. “Cool. I mean — thanks for trusting us.”

“Really,” Freak said. “It’s nice to know that someone like you is —well — like us.”

“Like us?” Steve asked, eyebrow raised. Eddie’s gut sank.

“Yeah,” Jeff said. He pointed to himself. “Gay —“ pointed to Freak — “Gay—“ pointed to Gareth — “Gay —“ then finally pointed to Eddie.

Eddie’s heart stopped.

“Straight.”

“You know me,” Eddie deadpanned, turning his attention back to the Metallica riff. “Super straight for girls.”

Steve nodded, a true smile growing across his face. “Thanks guys. Gareth said you would be cool, but it’s still — nerve wracking.”

“Yeah, we all get you,” Jeff said.

“Except for Eddie,” Freak added.

“Never know,” Gareth said with a shit eating grin. “Maybe one day he’ll find the guy that turns him gay.”

Eddie wished he could shoot lasers out of his eyes.

“Hey,” Steve said, his tone intrigued. “Is that Creeping Death?”

“Some ears you got, Harrington,” Eddie threw a grin towards Steve. “You —uh — said Gareth said the guys would be cool?”

“You missed the fact I talked about family dinner with the Buckleys?” Gareth frowned.

“You didn’t mention Steve,” Eddie retorted.

“He’s practically a Buckley!” Gareth argued.

“Robin invited me,” Steve said, as if that was the problem.

“Whatever,” Eddie huffed.

“Steve, did Eddie tell you about the battle of the bands coming up?” Jeff asked.

Eddie is going to kill him.

“No,” Steve said. “You guys competing?”

“Yep,” Jeff grinned. “Mid July. Winner gets the chance to record in an actual recording studio.”

“He — we meant to ask,” Freak shot Eddie a wink. “To see if you wanted to come. Can’t play without our favorite groupie.”

Correction.

Eddie was going to kill them all.

Steve threw his head back with a laugh, sweet like honey. “Sure. I’m more like a roadie than groupie though, with the way I lug around amps.”

Eddie wished he could enjoy Steve’s laugh. His smile. The fact he considered himself a part of the crew.

But he couldn’t help but notice the bruise on the base of Steve’s neck in the shape of a stranger’s mouth.

Continue reading on Ao3

[threepandas]

Bad End: Traps

"Darling~!" A rich voice greeted me, as I stepped through the final doors leading to an opulent office. "You're looking better! Are you finally adjusting to the anti-poisons? I know they made you feel quite sick."

THAT was an understatement. Try worst cramps and fever of my life, with a dose of puking for days. They put me on IVs. Buuuut? I wasn't gonna say THAT. Not a chance in hell. We, team Earth that is, were supposed to be here for DIPLOMACY. So? Fucking LIE~☆

Yep! "Bit" sick. Just a touch. Hardly noticed, really. Took a nap.

Veneni laughed, rising from the elegant sprawl she'd been resting on one of her "not called couches but totally are" things. To be honest, her voice reminds me of those old "radio stars" from the clips at the museums. All smooth yet husky, curling around you, like they're going to invite you somewhere dark to learn a naughty little secret if you're very VERY good.

Kind of voice you could listen too for HOURS, reading the most boring shit imaginable, and it be the best time you'd had in years.

I am... SO gay, for Veneni.

Like? You DO NOT UNDERSTAND. She SASHAYS. Not walks. Not strolls. Sashays! Like life is a catwalk and she is the alpha bitch here to show these other models how it's DONE. But also? Like she doesn't even NOTICE! It's just... effortless. How she moves. All delicate hand motions and rolling hips and curves.

That I Can Not Touch because she is SUUUUPER poisonous.

Which is? Frankly? Homophobic and a crime against me, specifically. Yeah, her whole species is like that. And it's why all of us are suffering through the Anti-poison adjusters. But STILL! I can't even "accidentally" brush her hand? No potential kissing of hot hot hot alien gf? Illegal. Blocked. Everyone here is a bastard and I want to complain.

.....not, mind you, that I have the metaphorical lady balls to actually CONFESS anything.

But you know... maybe.... maybe if I pine hard enough?

Good ol' stand awkwardly nearby and mentally project "NOTICE ME SEMPAI!" At her? I put on my nice outfit! Makes the girls look-! Wait, does her species even give a shit about boobs? FUCK. Okay, see this? THIS is why I was a flight assist. Just inventory and handing stuff to people who knew what they were doing.

MASTER of the fine arts of "I Can Understand The Instruction Manuel, In Case Of Emergency"!

Pretty good at coffee, too. Not to brag.

But, like? Jokes aside? Things had been... Bad.

Everything had gone to shit. Then somehow found a shovel in the manure pile and started digging. Started OUT okay! Really, it had! Travel was unexpectedly a bit rough. Some sort of space storm that went RIGHT over my head, but we dodged every major catastrophe. Got here in one piece.

There was a fancy meeting party. Whiiiich? In hindsight? Terrible idea. WAY too many people with hella poisonous skin, standing WAY too close. Only reason we didn't IMMEDIATELY lose the head diplomate? Was the regulation "new planet, unknown pathogens" full body biosuit. He? Got a HUG. Like... right out the ship.

Oof. That would have been IT, for him. Unfortunately, he didn't make it past that much longer. Someone's pet bit him. And? Yep. Completely fucking venomous. Lethally so. A tragedy, right? Outlier, surely?

Ha!

No. No this planet was trying to fucking kill us. It was a toxin coated hellpit and had so far? Murdered just over half the diplomatic crew. Those that were still alive? Over half of THEM were in emergency care. With just over a forth of the OTHER survivors being the only ones who could safely care for them.

Rest of us were either in isolation or sick as FUCK.

Isolation for those who needed to get rescued, because the Anti-poison adjusters would fucking kill them. Or sick as hell, for those few who remain that finally, FINALLY had found a way to Not DIE.

ALL WHILE PEACE TALKS WERE TRYING TO HAPPEN.

It was a shit show~☆

I? Went from basically a nobody? To "congrats! By merit of NOT being dead or dying, you're the head diplomat by proxy!" Which? Fucking WHAT? You could physically SEE the stress radiating off the poor guys back home, as they tried to speed run me through "how to not Accidentally A War 101".

I was pretty sure his cup, did in fact, NOT contain coffee. But I wasn't telling.

Instead, I got the honor of carrying the video call. Literally. Since our tech was incompatible. I got to carry the whole set up. Portable battery included. So the ACTUAL Really, Actually, Trained In Diplomacy, Diplomat could call in. And then I could look pretty and nod seriously at the appropriate times.

Mmmmhmmm. Yes. I agree. I both understand what is being said, AND support Earth's position on these matters! I have definitely studied the materials. Am supposed to be here. We have DEFINITELY suffered no catastrophic loses, pay no attention to the chaos behind the curtains! Diploooomacyyyyy....

God, she is pretty.

Watching her smile, her sensors gently shift around her like flowing water, the way her hand delicately gestured as she spoke? I... I wanted to build her, like, a cabin or something. Bring her breakfast in bed. Maybe adopt an alien dog together. And like? I don't even KNOW how to build shit. But, fuck it. I'd learn.

Cause I mean... you KNOW you got it bad, when you look at Toxic Super Hell the planet, look at pretty lady, look BACK at the planet that in no uncertain terms ACTIVELY thirsts for your blood... and go?

"So when do I move? Feeling REAL patriotic for my new home! Wooo, New Home!"

Yes I have a problem. Shut up, I'm aware.

A quite click signaled the end of their talks. Finally done for the day. I definitely, in now way shape or form, perk up like an excited puppy hearing the word "walkies". Because that? THAT would suggest I had WAY more dignity. I am a thirsty, thirsty bitch, okay? SO PRETTY. Nice laugh! Calls me Darling!! I have a LIST!!!

"Mmmm, what an unpleasant man that was. Did something happen to Mr. Ho?" She asked, stretching in the slow rolling way of hers. It looked boneless and decadent. REALLY distracting. "I hope nothing Serious~. We were nearly on the cusp of getting you home! I do hope he gets well soon. But, ah~, where ARE my manner today, Darling? You must be starving!"

Veneni sweeps forward to tuck my arm in hers, pulling me against her side. Even through my biosuit and her modest dress... I... I can FEEL her body heat. How soft and warm she feels pressed close against me. She smells tingly and spiced, kinda like citrus and mulled cider. NOT! That I'm smelling her! WHICH I'M NOT!! Because that would be so, SO creepy! It's just-!? You know-?! AaaaaaAAA???

She guides me to our little table. Probably set up for guests in general. But... you know... kinda like to THINK of it? As ours?

I REALLY need to stop while I am ahead. Good fucking gods. Ignore me.

Mmm, yes, distraction cake! Let's talk about THAT instead! Wonder what she-? I then choked on my drink. Because... because after bringing out the usual traditional deserts of she was teaching me about? And dishes I could try? Veneni... c.. casually as you please rests her chin, propped up on one hand, then reaches out with the other... to place it on my hand, which rests on the table between us.

Hear that? That's my soul screaming at a pitch only dolphins can make.

OH MY GOD.

I'd like to say? I don't immediately embarrass myself? But that's a lie. I make a wheeze reminiscent of something dying horribly. Against all odds. She is NOT immediately disgusted and done with me. Dear lord, my parents may actually have a chance at seeing me married! Holy FUCK.

Wait. No. Slow your roll.

SMILE first. We GOT this! Seduce her!

I open my mouth... and stupid fell out. FUCK.

"Calm yourself, Darling!" She laughs, the bemused fondness lighting up her face. "You hardly need to impress ME! Believe me. I knew you were mine the second I saw you. Nothing could possibly change that~"

Her cute fangs catch the light, deadly sharp. Her's is a predatory species. I wonder if they like social touch? Cause I REALLY want to cuddle. Hold hands. Touch. Ooooother stuff~ But! Mostly the Hold Cute Alien GF! Assuming that's where this is headed. Please GOD let that be where this is headed!

"I was thinking... and I don't want to be too forward, of course," oh god please do "and I hope I'm not interpreting things incorrectly!" You are not. Take me you magnificent, purple, high femme queen amongst the masses. "But... I would VERY much like to... get to know you, Darling. On a more... personal level...?"

I kept my lips pressed desperately together to keep from literally shouting the word "Yes" in her face. Be cool. BE COOL! We are both cool and Very Normal About This! Scream in incoherent joy later!

Y..Yeah! Sounds great!

This is the best day of my-!

An explosion shook the biodome. While the whole planet WAS toxic as fuck? There were levels to it's toxicity. Some places too much for even native life forms to handle. And, of course, no place that non-natives could safely survive. Thus the capital's biodome. Highly filtered air, earth, and resources. Built for diplomacy and several critical care hospitals.

Now under attack. Another bomb exploded. Cracks in the dome.

I could only stare in mute horror at the pillar of smoke. Because... Because that was the isolation area. Our evac's. Someone just blew up... Then my brain seemed to comeback online all at once, as adrenaline flooded my system. I looked between the still unpacked call system and Veneni.

A piece of tech or a high ranking, probably high interest target. My maybe hopefully girlfriend. Not really much of a choice.

Fucking LEAVE IT.

We had to go. I pulled Veneni up, told her as much. She looked so startled.

"Of... Of course, Darling. Yes. You're right. I AM probably a target, aren't I?" The thought didn't seem to have occurred to her. God, I felt like a monster having to bring such ugliness to her attention. Scaring her like this. But ignorance wouldn't keep either of us safe.

"I...I think there was a safe room?" She faltered, arms crossing almost artfully, looking so uncertain I couldn't help but want to comfort her. "But, Darling, I'll admit.. I'm.. I think I'm rather scared. Will you protect me? Stay with me? ...please?"

I couldn't help it. She looked so scared. So delicately small. I stepped forward, arms going around her. Pulling her close like I could shield her from the world. I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I promised myself. Felt her arms, a few of her sensors, desperately curl around me.

I didn't see the smile, pressed against my front. That quickly vanished as she pulled back. Nor did I notice the calm technician, hidden in the shadows of a side hall, who nodded at Veneni as I herded her to "safety". Would think nothing of how, tragically, my rooms were hit in the follow up blasts. How very lucky, that Veneni has rooms to spare. But oh~ she would not want to over step!

I don't notice a lot of things. But hey, things are great! I got a girlfriend! Or, as she likes to joke,

She Got Me.

[flo-zoinks]

how do you think all the male gang members would react to getting kicked in the balls? 😭 (rdr2 can see linde gang, to be specific :)

My followers are ALLERGIC to normal asks but I like it so okay my love ❤🤗

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU KICKED EVERY RDR2 GANG MEMBER IN THE BALLS (MY OPINION)

Again here we are going to assume you're someone like John in terms of gender, age and general reputation in camp as the reactions will differ greatly by those factors

These might be a little unrealistic as I do not own a penis!

Arthur - goes like ARGH SHIT then tries to look intimidating like he's gonna hurt you back but won't actually - more of a warning

Dutch - immediately curses for a good 10 seconds, then when ok enough to move goes to punch you out of camp, then demands to be cared for like he got shot by Molly

Pearson - fights back tears, (wins), then slams his kitchen knife into his counter and throws a spoon at you shouting like "GO AWAY". Says later in the fireplace he was just giving you time to run away

Javier - "CHINGUE SU MADRE" winces a little, then tries to play off nonchalantly. Probably straight up punches you and if you fall he spits on your head

John - "ShhiiIIT" literally nearly falls over, then shoves you onto the floor when he can with an insult after. Leaves camp for a day after out of anger for your actions then Abigail is telling you off for maybe causing V2 of when he left for a year

Jack (1914) - same as John at the start, but probably more inclined to aim a gun at you instead.

Hosea - DOES fall over, then when he gets up grabs your ear to the outskirt of camp similar to Miss Grimshaw where he throws you out with a kick too

Charles - grunts really loudly and is close to swearing, but doesn't and instead tells you off whilst in a lot of pain. Calls you insufferable too

Sean - KICKS YOU BACK. REAL HARD. "FUCK YOU TOO". But in the exact moment just asks what he did wrong to you cuz what the devil

Lenny - is about to punch you back, but instead just shoves you to the side as he walks on (after shouting what the hell is your problem). Tries to be the bigger man

Uncle - falls down the the ground, but doesn't get up and instead choosing to stay there cursing you out. He's quite sassy with it despite all

Kieran - Assumes again it's because hes an O'Driscoll and tells you/all of the camp to plss stop 😭. Goes back to the outskirts of camp to tend to the horses and if you two are ok months later brings it up saying atleast it was better then the gelding tongs courtesy of Bill. However like before all the other men and Sadie/Karen applaude your actions to Kieran

Trelawny - buckles over, then tries to regain his composure to remain gentlemanly. But then says "my goodness, what is that behind you?" And whilst you expect it to be a magic trick he just kicks you back in the balls

Micah - "fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.." "I been trying so hard to along with you what is this for" "I'm not one of those gays my balls were none of your buisness" OR "YOU DAMN (slur) AGH" if there is a slur 'applicable' to you

Reverend (chap 1-4) - immediately folds to the floor in baby position about to swoon to sooth himself. Then forgives you quickly realising it's a good excuse to pump himself full of substances to "help" the pain subside.

Bill - "AGH SHIT YOU LITTLE...SHIT" Tries to spit on your face and then wobbles back to camp. Later pretends like it was just a little itch he wasn't really affected by it, yet still tries to threaten you at the table to "feel more masculine and powerful"

Thanks for asking me !!! ❤❤

[yowyowyaoi]

Itachi's Daily Texts from the Akatsuki, Part Two

From Kakuzu

Won't be as effective if you don't get some damn sleep.

You need to stay off of it for at least a week. I'll explain to Nagato.

How you choose to live (and die) is your own business.

Well tell him to take it easy with you. Your stamina isn't up for "extracurricular activities" like that, brat.

I'm aware. I'll deal with him later.

If you don't wish to pay it then use a candle instead of that lamp.

Once again, GO TO BED.

Your sweets consumption is appalling.

Of the three of you, I'm not sure which one worries me more. Four counting Tobi.

A gengetsu where all I have to do is sit still and money flies into my lap. Birthday present.

Your worst is likely STILL superior to his "best".

Rent is due. Utilities as well.

From Sasori

I swear your stubbornness rivals even that of Deidara's sometimes.

I'm working on a new remedy that should still the pain for much longer periods of time.

If you don't take better care of it I'll be forced to amputate. And as a warning, once I start with body modifications I find it very, very hard to stop.

SLEEP.

With as bad as your breathing sounds? The enemy would hear you coming from a mile away!

Eternal doesn't mean eternal patience.

I told him to behave himself with you or I'll take away his clay.

I wish I could help more. I truly do, child.

My thanks for the book, I'll return it within the week.

I'll admit I've thought about it but I'm not sure the sharingan would translate as well aesthetically in wood as it does in human flesh.

From Hidan

Prove it.

Mine's shorter but it's better. Not so greasy.

You'd be healed from everything if you just prayed to Jashin!!

It's a. Fucking. Fishing pole. He has like fifty! Why's he making such a big deal out of ONE?!

I did it and I'm NOT sorry.

Shit ain't my business but really isn't he too big for your sick-ass body?

Can't even tell you man.

It's not my deal but blondie looks cute as fuck when we go. Tell him I said that and I'll cut off your balls with my scythe.

You're like a fucking vampire dude. You NEVER SLEEP!

When I tried saying it Kakuzu almost knocked my head off my damn neck.

Stop being so gay and come with us. It's not like you've got shit else to do that day!

Whatever asshole.

I would rock your fucking world and I wouldn't break your ass in half like shark-dick.

Just use your creepy eyes and put him to sleep first! All we gotta do is cut off like two inches and he'll freak so bad he'll have a heart attack!

You know what? I'm gonna lend you my Jashin bible. One you read it you'll see I'm right about everything I keep telling you!

From Zetsu

You hurt his feelings, child. He said you're the only ones left of your clan and you never wish to spend time with or even speak to him.

I can smell it coming from your pores.

Time is merely an illusion.

These trips to Konoha are proving quite lengthy ...

You should probably lay low for a bit. Kakuzu finally received the credit card bill for all of those tea and dango shops.

That's a lovely idea but I doubt ALL of us could go to one place without causing some chaos.

There is no heaven and no hell. There is simply NOW, and whatever realities we choose to create for ourselves.

I believe he's started to think of himself as being your "big brother". Could be either good or bad for you.

From Deidara

Art absolutely IS a "life necessity". Heathen.

As good as friends as two assholes can be, right?

Mine got softer since I started using the eggs. It's slimy but after it sets in, it's really great.

If I wasn't goofy about Danna and EVERY OTHER man in the world died, then maybe.

Should you really be drinking?

Maybe if you went to sleep! Fucking hell you're creepier than a vampire!

Yeah but if I DID like girls I bet I'd get more than you!

I just don't get why he wears it? He's hot as FUCK without it.

Would Kisame get mad if I asked him if he wanted to come with us to the aquarium?

Just get Konan to do it. She's nice and has soft hands.

Hidan wants to but I'd rather stay home.

Yeah I could teach you but yours wouldn't explode so what's even the point??

From Konan

Thank you! I can't believe you noticed! <3

You need the fresh air, come with me for a walk.

Don't listen to him ok?

Yes and no. More so "yes".

I wish I had the time for it.

I'm almost done with that book, you have the sequel right?

It's like every single particle of dust on the road just magically finds it's way into my hair.

If you're trying to avoid back pain, I'd advise against it.

Not that I don't appreciate them but ... did you go out at one in the morning to pick them?

He talks too loud and I've already got a headache.

Thanks for letting me borrow it, Nagato's hair is much healthier now.

From Tobi/Obito

You think THAT was bad?? Try BATHING the son of a bitch!!

You, me, and Sasuke could do it though. It would be more powerful than any clan that ever existed.

Just because it tasted good did NOT mean you needed to eat that many in one sitting!

I applaud the idea but with as weak as you are right now I don't see how it could work.

He's taller than you now. Still with the short hair though.

I can see I was wrong in criticizing Fugaku's parenting style because you ARE a handful, little cousin.

Four hours of uninterrupted sleep would do you a world of good.

Why should I give that up?? It's absurdity to think that an UCHIHA has a PUPPET as a romantic rival!!

It gets so hot and itchy under this thing.

A vacation somewhere warm and quiet would be nice.

Your idea of atonement is even more fucked-up than mine.

No but HE said I had to.

I'm honestly surprised nobody has tried to kill him yet.

I wish it was so. I truly do.

It's loud but you have to admit it's better than being alone.

Come and eat.

Depends on what your definition of "helpful" is.

From Kisame

Did you eat something yet?

Did you get any sleep last night?

Come here, I drew you a bath with lavender oil.

Can I help that I legitimately worry over you?

Just a snack? Just so you have something in your stomach? Please?

The water is warm and gentle and I bet a swim would cheer you up.

I forgot how much energy they have, I ran myself ragged trying to keep up with them!

Then come let me brush that beautiful hair of yours.

I understand. I don't agree but I get it.

Then just let me kill them. Problem solved.

Come on, please, just one quick little nap. An hour max.

They invited us but I know you don't really like red meat so I said no.

Fortunately MY bed is VERY warm and cozy. Come and see.

It might shock you to learn that there are other foods besides dango and tea.

You shouldn't even have to ask, that was 1000% Deidara.

There are other, and perhaps more interesting, ways of building your stamina. <3

Never imagined that one day I'd want something like this, but here we are.

Is it a little one or a big one? If it's small just take a deep breath and use your shoe.

I love you as well but dammit brat you'll be the death of me for sure!

[ifwebefriends]

Hellaverse Tumblr Simulator part 1

Part 2 here

TW: unreality, mentions of death, mentions of sex

0 notes

🎞️ dancingqueen117 Follow

Extermination canceled, everyone go home I guess?

4 notes

🧨 imthebombau Follow

There’s this guy I kinda knew and he was NOT CUTE LMAO but he was kinda cool in a kicked dingo kinda way and earlier he kissed me confessed that he loved me and then I just found out he fucking DIED?????????

💝 whoreofsilk Follow

BITCH WHAT?!?!?!?

🧨 imthebombau Follow

Yeah it sucks I woulda let him hit 😔

💝 whoreofsilk Follow

Man died before getting some ass, saddest post I’ve ever seen

1094 notes

🐎 sluttykiller829 Follow

my fuck buddy/business partner/childhood friend just almost died i didnt even know he could do that and i dont know what to do about it lmao

🧨 imthebombau Follow

IM DEAD WHAT IS THIS RELATIONSHIP?!? 🤣🤣🤣

🎶 musicalslaughter029 Follow

Maybe go visit him? Make sure he’s okay?!

🐎 sluttykiller829 Follow

respectfully i am unable to do that

37 notes

🍾 drinksonme79 Follow

So my boss’ boss’ girlfriend just told us she was an exorcist and it was all dramatic and shit, and I didn’t want to say that I already knew but kept quiet, it was awkward as hell. LOL

❌ descendedlesbian Follow

Hey thanks for not telling man I appreciate it

🍾 drinksonme79 Follow

????????

829 notes

📺 tuninginfordrama Follow

Princess Charlie the typa cunt to go “snork mimimimimi” while sleeping and say “oh great heavens!” when surprised

❌ descendedlesbian Follow

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU CURSE OF 1000 ANGELS ON YOU

🎟️ princesscharlieafterdark Follow

Haha that’s funny! I would do that! 😆

📲 digitalbitch1337 Follow

4092 notes

💝 whoreofsilk Follow

So the extermination ended literally 2 hours ago and my boss is already asking when I’m coming in fuck this shit can someone kill him for me please?

🐍 itwasjustanapple666 Follow

On it.

48 notes

🐎 sluttykiller829 Follow

309 notes

📖 agonizedhoot Follow

I yearn to hold you close

But our love is forbidden, society says

I’ll love you in secret, in the shadows

Hoping that one day, we can break free from this maze

🏩 houseoflust Follow

Major L can’t relate grow some balls man

78 notes

🦾 clownofass Follow

Everybody forced to watch a hopeless gay pining romance play out in front of them that could be easily resolved deserves financial compensation

🔪 kountrykillin Follow

Agreed

📻 smilingdemon Follow

AGREED.

[wubwubwubtastic]

Umm freaky shit headcanons about captain curly (pre crash) please…transmasc/nonbinary reader preferred

OHHHHHH This is something right up my ALLEY!!! Transmasc readers are very much needed in this economy.

>Warnings NFSW/smut, mentions of dysphoria, sex with a transgender??ON MY TUMBLR???/j

MDNI ‼️‼️‼️‼️

[CURLY & TRANSMASC READER NSFW HEADCANONS]

>Curly, Curly, Curly, we all know he's a service top, don't we? We also know that he's the softest Dom ever. Some basics I legally have to get outta the way.

>I think Curly wouldn't mind if you were pre or post op, he's the type of guy to say that he fell in love with your soul not your body.

>Curly would be very careful with where he touches you and what parts he comments on, always asking and making sure if it's okay.

>If you told him to not touch your tits, cause it made you dysphoric, he'd completely understand and just ignore them.

>Curly would also try to quell your dysphoria with praise about you being so manly, he'd even praise your body if you gave him the okay.

>if you're post top surgery he's kissing the scars, trailing his lips along them so softly. He'd be talking about how you've got more balls than most men he's known, cause you fought for it and achieved it.

>Curly is a gentle lover, he'd be thrusting into you slowly whilst complimenting you all bout how well you're taking him. He'd be saying that he's so lucky to have a man like you, so handsome and strong.

>He'd be stroking your t-dick while fucking you, making comments about how big it is, he's fixated on it a little bit.

>If he were giving you head, Curly would absolutely just swallow down your cock. He'd be giving you the best head of your goddamn life. Especially if you're post bottom surgery, he's sucking on it as if he had been starved, finally given enough length to go properly wild (even if he chokes sometimes)

>Even if you haven't gotten bottom surgery, he's riding you. Even if he doesn't feel a thing inside him, it still gets him all hot and bothered knowing you're ducking him.

>To get here you'd have to convince him to be more submissive, which he is willing to do. Anything for his sweet lover.

>If you'd be up for it, you can take out the strap, or hell, if you're post bottom surgery. Curly would be extremely bashful, but he'd be eager to try it out. To say he'd been fantasizing about it would be a horrible understatement.

>if you told him in the morning, where he'd have to wait until the evening for it, he'd go absolutely INSANE. He'd be imagining it, riding your cock, or even better, being fucked into the bed, but gently, ofc.

>Curly would love if you took more of the dominant role, being on top while hes below you. He'd be expecting the same treatment he gives you while making love.

>No matter how you fuck him though, he's always gonna be grinding back into you. Thrusting his hips to meet your movements, being filled up so well with you.

>He wouldn't want you to touch his dick, saying he doesn't want to cum too fast, because in reality just from you pounding him, he's already near his limit.

>if you don't feel like getting penetrated, Curly has other things in mind to quench the lust. Frottage.

>he's the number one fan of rubbing his cock against yours, no matter if you're post or pre op. He just thinks it's the quintessential of gay sex, so very intimate.

>He's also into dry humping but y'all tumblers aren't ready.

Hshsgshxbudjsbsjsj this was so fun

Thank you all that requested, I've got some wild shit in my inbox and that's so very good!

Don't be afraid to request more, I'll get to all y'all soon enough!

I just dunno if I'll post all these on ao3 cause I don't want to die just yet!

[weird-bookworm]

LET'S SPREAD SOME LOVE!!!!!

talk about your favourite mutuals and why you like them

😄

oh god this is gonna be one hell of an answer

@fairyhaos because shes the sweetest comfiest most adorably chaotic lil ball of energy + she gives the best advice like hello??? what are you??? oh god my heart goes a little off track everytime we talk i just love you so much

@wheeboo okay shes part 2 of the they-make-me-feel-the-safest trio along w yena and axe like please i stumbled across the sweetest sassiest boo stan ever ALSO UR GORGEOUS???

@blue-jisungs axeaxeaxeaxeaxe so chaotically lovely and so boomer and so fun and yoid think shes savage but no shes just soft and as harmful as a pinecone (why do u remind me of tht one joon meme of him just. sitting there. peeling potatoes. in tiny.)

@slytherinshua we kinda talked less for a while bc life happened and then caught up (kinda lol) and im so glad to see shes still as crazy and lovable as ever (im waiting for tht ppt) like talk abt impressive. impressive is her whole personality. sometimes in, uh, less than conventional ways...hehe

@eternalgyu HANNIE WHERE TF R U I MISS UUUUUUUU 😭😭😭😭🫶🏻 like yk what i imagine when i think of hannie? causing mischief. LIKE IDEK WHY OKAY i just feel like we'd be running around giggling like idiots js pulling random pranks on people and js the thought makes me smile

@yllouhannie ylli is like love. ylli is gentle and kind and sweet. shes understanding and passionate and really quite cute. oh my love you make me wanna jump off a cliff because how can someone like you exist 😭 (no srsly what is this witchcraft ilysm mwah)

@woozvc nora is like home. which is saying a lot lmao i sound dramatic but like yk when u just talk to someone and it feels just right even tho ur not rly doing much? shes older but she lets go and i can just feel how absolutely beautiful this person is *melts off a cliff*

@welcometomyoasis shu oh shu i have no words so pardon if this is a little small but. ik i say this a lot but i rly do mean it. i love you. so much. yr msgs and reblogs and asks always make a smile and they make me giddy and suddenly nothing is wrong with the world 🥺

@haecien bro is my ultimate gay bestie like what else do you need in life other than cien. what. nothing is the answer. life is complete when u hv cien and his shenanigans lolol like i dare you try to Not like him. i m p o s s i b l e.

@glosskirt AYYYYY MY ARMY SOULMATE we connected over min yoongi. we still rant over min yoongi. we shall die talking about min yoongi. like there is nothing better than having someone to fangirl with over my favs gloss you filled a hole in my life <3

@mesanthropi weiwei!!!! my little bundle of sugar spice and everything nice!! (+ chaos and a passion about the randomest shit ever how do u live why am i not this exciting) how is it always fun to talk to you and why do ur msgs excite me so much

@aaniag chaos. thats it. chaos. this woman brought with her about half a dozen more desi moots for me like how do i hug you how do i appreciate you enough i ugghhhh 😩

@thepoopdokyeomtouched im still waiting for my flirting yk? lol on a serious note, u and ur crazy streak r probably the most entertaining thing on here, and i fucking love it. i love ur chaos and the fact tht u choose to share it w me, thank you 🫶🏻

@arafilez bro rly dropped outta thin air like a fucking ghost and made my life abt a 100x more exciting where were you my entire life ara. where. why didnt the atz rants and the writing and the random asks show up sooner. why.

@nonononranghaee HAFS MY LIL CUTIE PATOOTIE WHY DO I ALWAYS WANNA SQUISH U NOMNOM U CRUSH U KSKSJEHEH u give me so much cuteness aggression oh my god...

@kkooongie sarah sarah sarah sarah sarah i live for ur writing and im always looking forward to our little chats abt books and random stuff (...when r u updating btw 😅)

@maeleelee @mxnsxngie @imagine-a-life-like-this i don't tell you guys enough how much i love and appreciate each one of you. i dont tell u enough how grateful i am whenever i think abt u bc god ik how hard it is to take in a random person in ur circle, to adjust w a kid, to make said kid feel safe and included and loved. so thank you. for all that you do for me and for loving lil ol' me <3

@cadenonlinelive where u at damn i hvnt seen u in ages

@rubywonu @idubiluv GUYS STOP HIBERNATING ITS NOT WINTER ANYMORE I MISS U

[stabbyfoxandrew]

#14 goes to Eden's

once again obsessed with this idiot. so here's a million words about him. :3 (here's the beginning if anyone wants it)

♡━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ✤ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━♡

Fay makes friends with Nicky pretty quick! He's happy to talk to Nicky about his boyfriend in Germany. He thinks it's sweet, a literal fairy tale. He tells Nicky he's gay too. And Nicky is ecstatic because 'Holy shit! Two gay boys on one team?'

The rest of the monsters don't care one way or another about him. Oh, Kevin thinks he needs practice but otherwise pays him no mind. Aaron doesn't like anyone. Neil doesn't give a shit as long as he gets to keep playing.

But Andrew is suspicious. He just doesn't like this one bit. They lose a teammate to an obviously staged overdose and all of a sudden some guy shows up asking to join the team? Asking to move into the dorm across from Kevin? Oh hell no. That's too fucking shady. (He was planning a trip to Eden's while Kevin was shooting balls at Fay.)

When Andrew invites Fay to come with them to a club one Friday night, he's surprised but happy. He thinks he's finally making some progress. Finally making friends when he'd gone without them for so long.

But once they get to Eden's, things seem a little off. When they get to the table Nicky won't look at him. Andrew, who generally ignores him, is staring through Fay's soul. And Neil, weird jumpy Neil, keeps glancing from Fay's glass to the bar behind him.

And that's when he realizes something is up. Alarm bells are blaring in his brain. He's a little worried. There's five of them. Five, for fuck's sake. And he's unarmed. If they want to hurt him, he's as good as hurt already.

"Did you guys put something in my drink?" He asks. And five pairs of eyes snap up. He hears Nicky ask how the fuck he knew and he feels betrayed. Nicky? His friend? (Keep in mind he has no idea about Andrew's cracker dust special. He thinks something far more sinister is happening.) Everyone looks back towards Andrew and Fay pushes the drink away from him.

"I'll take that as a yes. What is it then? Rohypnol? Xanax? Some other date rape drug I don't know about?" Fay says, and Andrew's face screws up. Fay stares at the goalie for a second. "You, huh? That's funny, I didn't think I was your type."

"It's not anything like that!" Nicky volunteers from beside him before Andrew can say anything. "It's just cracker dust. It's harmless, a party drug. That's all."

"Then why's it in my drink?"

"Andrew doesn't trust you. We were going to get you high and ask you questions."

"What questions?"

Andrew sighs across the table. "You stare at Kevin a lot. I want to know why."

"Because he's pretty. Next question." Fay says easily.

"You showed up as soon as Gordon's body was cold. A perfect double threat, half-goalie half-striker. Impossible for Kevin to resist. Isn't that a little too perfect?"

"Too perfect?"

"Seth 'overdoses'," Andrew exaggerates his finger quotes and leans across the table. "And you weasel your way into the Tower, right across the hall from Kevin. What's next?"

"Wait. You think I want to hurt Kevin?"

"Or spy on him."

"Why would I—"

"People do lots of things for money." Andrew says. And Fay sort of stops breathing. Does Andrew know about his past? How the fuck would he know? No one knows.

"The Ravens. You think they sent me here to watch after their lost little lamb."

"Ding ding ding." Andrew says.

"That makes sense I guess. Considering how much Kevin is worth to them. And the mob connection and all. The Moryiamas could've easily found someone to—" Fay cuts off when he notices a couple raised brows. "What did I say wrong?"

"You aren't supposed to know about the mob connection yet." Andrew says, looking like he's finally caught a fish he'd been waiting for all day. "Coach said he wouldn't tell until we were through with you."

"Coach signed off on tonight?" Kevin asks.

Andrew see-saws a hand. "Sort of. Doesn't matter. What matters is Fay's sudden abundance of knowledge."

"Okay, okay. I might know more than I let on, but I'm not here to hurt anybody. Cross my heart." Fay says, then he glances around the bar. "We can talk about whatever you want, but it's too crowded here."

"Afraid to air the Moriyama's laundry?"

"No. My own." Fay answers. Then he folds his hands in his lap and sits there while the others have a couple drinks. Kevin perhaps drinks the most, but Fay isn't keeping score.

By the time Andrew announces they're leaving, Fay decides to tell them everything. He doesn't care. He's left all that shit behind him. He's finally semi-stable again and he's not losing that just because some tiny asshole decided he was a threat.

As soon as they get through the door, Andrew is shoving Fay up against the wall. "We're away from the crowd. Tell me what you're hiding."

"You first." Fay says with a grin. It doesn't disappear even when Andrew pulls out a knife. Instead he glances down at it and laughs. "Oh shit. Andrew, I've gotta say this is the hottest thing that's ever happened to me but I like this shirt. So chill out, huh?"

Just to be a dick, Andrew slices a hole in his shirt. Into his skin a bit. Fay pouts a little and presses the fabric to the wound. It's not deep, he's fine. Andrew asks if he'd like to answer or lose a kidney and Fay understandably chooses answer. He asks if he should start from the beginning and ends up telling them how he played at UK under a different name, to which a tipsy Kevin snaps his fingers and says, 

"I knew you looked familiar. You were on goal there, hurt your leg in a game against, uh... Tennessee."

"Right," Fay says, giving Kevin a look. How the fuck does he know that? (Kevin is insane and watches way too much exy.) He explains that he lost his scholarship after dropping from the team and started doing 'errands' for some powerful people. "You know, ones that involve bullets and stuff."

"You were a hitter for the mob." Neil accuses, his expression unreadable but certainly not pleasant.

"That's... a word for it. I did some other work too. Contract stuff. And, uh, sometimes security."

"Security?" Nicky asks.

"You know, standing in front of a door with a gun until the bosses are through with business. That sort of thing." Fay says with a shrug. "I've been all over the country, worked for all sorts of people. From a woman who wanted her abusive husband dead to Tony DiAngelo, the king of Los Angeles."

"Never heard of him." Andrew says, sharing a look with Neil. Fay wonders what that's about but doesn't ask.

"DiAngelo..." Neil says, then he nods. "He got arrested a while back, it was in the news. FBI raided his building and arrested everyone they could find."

"Correct. I was there. We were in the penthouse, his office, when they arrived. He sent me down the fire escape so I wouldn't get caught up in the mess. Good man." Fay says. "Of course that's how I wound up unemployed. Had to start taking odd jobs again. Worked for anyone who could pay me."

"So you've actually killed people. For real?" Nicky asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah."

"How many?" Aaron asks from across the room.

"I don't keep track," Fay lies.

Andrew stares at him for a moment, perhaps about to make a guess. "You ever work for the Moriyamas?"

"Hell no. I've never been in the same room as a Moriyama and I intend to keep it that way. Until, you know, we end up playing the Ravens." Fay says with a smile. "But then again Riko doesn't really count, does he?"

"What?" Kevin asks.

"I mean he wears the name on his jersey, but that's the only use he has for it. I've never worked for them, but I've heard stories. I know how they play, younger brothers get nothing. So Riko and his uncle were never invited to the party. They might as well be named Smith." Fay says and that makes Andrew laugh. Kevin grimaces and Fay bites his tongue. "No offense. I know you and him were—"

"None taken. You're right." Kevin says miserably.

"Riko Smith." Nicky snickers behind him. And then the monsters explain to Fay how Kevin's hand got broken, how Kevin ran away, and how Riko wants him back.

"You can't be serious."

"As the plague." Andrew says. "Riko thinks Kevin is his dog, wants him to come home."

"Are you telling me Riko's the one who had your teammate killed? It was a hit, I was right?" Fay is horrified.

"Yeah. Neil ran his mouth and embarrassed him on national television and he killed Seth about it." Andrew shrugs. Fay puts his tongue in his cheek. He saw that interview, saw how nervous Kevin looked. Now it makes sense.

A lot of sense. Wymack had told him there were some risks involved if he joined the team, but Fay assumed he meant... You know, semi-normal problems— like Andrew and his knives. Not 'you might get executed because we're playing the world's worst game of keep away with Kevin Day's body'.

"Okay. So, to be clear. You thought I was here on assignment from Riko and tonight was to find out for sure." Fay says, rubbing a hand across his face. "Not so. At all. I haven't taken a job since I botched the one up in Raleigh..."

"Up in Raleigh." Andrew says, pointing a finger at Fay. "Are you saying you were the sniper who took a shot at a senator a couple months ago?"

Fay freezes. "I- I didn't say that."

"He's a worse liar than Neil." Andrew says. Neil glares at him. Then there are more questions, and unnecessary threats from Andrew. Finally Fay pulls out his wallet and there's a hidden slot cut into the inside seam. He pulls out a spare ID, on which he has a totally different name and blond hair, and passes it to Andrew. 

"Here, this is my safety net. I can't do anything without this. You hold onto it if you don't trust me."

"I don't."

"That's fine. You don't have to yet. But I'm out of the game, permanently. Even if I wanted to go back to it, I can't." Fay mutters to himself. Turns out fucking up one little assassination attempt puts a damper on your credibility as a hired gun and makes your ex-employer want your head. "Can I stay or do I need to take that back and get out of here?"

Andrew stares him down a bit and slides the ID into his own wallet. "One wrong move towards Kevin and I spill your guts on the floor."

"Sounds fair." Fay says, then he looks down at his stomach. "Speaking of... Can I wash this?"

After Andrew shrugs, Nicky shows him to the bathroom and helps him to some antiseptic and a bandage. He's used to Andrew showing off his knife. He awkwardly apologizes for the night and asks if Fay is mad at him.

"Not really," Fay says. "I mean, I get it. Fucked up world we live in, believe me I know. And even though he's a bitch, I like Kevin. I don't want him hurt. But someone should inform Andrew that truth serum is a myth."

Nicky laughs and gives him a hug, which Fay returns. It's a spine-popping one and the first real hug he's had in years. He likes it. Likes Nicky— he's a lot sometimes, but he's a good person.

"How's Erik?" Fay asks as he finishes with his band-aid. And Nicky lights up and starts to ramble about his boyfriend.

When they get back to the living room, Andrew and Neil have disappeared to smoke. Aaron is up in his room. And still tipsy Kevin is on the couch. Nicky says he's gonna change into some pajamas and leaves them alone. Fay sits down and Kevin asks if he's ever been a bodyguard.

("A couple times. Why, do you need me to guard your body?" / "Yes." / "Isn't that Andrew's job?" / "He went with Neil." / "Okay. When Andrew's not around, I've got your back. I'm not great with knives but I have a pistol. Should I start carrying?" / "...Yeah." / "Alright. I'll get it tomorrow. Oh wow, you're just falling asleep on me, huh?") 

Fay is just humoring him, he's not going to sneak a gun into Fox Tower. That would be absolutely insane! Then again, he's actually crazy and Kevin is a gorgeous boy who seems very scared so... Perhaps he'll go collect his piece and see about sneaking it into the dorm. Just in case. 

When Andrew and Neil come back, it's made clear that Kevin and Neil generally sleep on the sofa and the armchair respectively. So Fay shrugs Kevin off his shoulder and eases him onto the couch, throws a blanket over him. He's prepared to lie down on the floor, when Nicky comes back and offers half his bed.

"You sure?" Fay asks when he follows Nicky into his room. "Erik won't mind?"

"Nah. It's not like we're naked." Nicky says as he gets into bed. Fay joins him on the other side and puts a pillow between them; Nicky looks hurt by that. "Think I'm gonna molest you in your sleep or what?"

"Of course not. That's for your protection," Fay explains as he shuffles under the blanket. "I'm a cuddler. Without that, I will attach myself to you in the middle of the night. Full on octopus-style."

Nicky laughs and turns out the light.

♡━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ✤ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━♡

MEANWHILE, all night Neil was internally freaking the fuck out because what do you MEAN? What is HAPPENING right now? Why the fuck is this man pouring his life story out onto the carpet? What the fuck is that a fake ID? It's a nice one. Where did he get it?

No really, should Neil ask in case he needs one soon? What is going on? None of this makes sense. Who exactly has Fay worked for? Jesus Christ, what if he works for Nathan? What if he wasn't here for Kevin, but he is here for Neil? Holy shit. He can't ask without revealing his own bullshit, he can't do anything but sit there like :| the entire time.

Okay, so that's how Eden's 2.0 goes for Fay. He and Nicky are besties and also Fay has a crush on Kevin. How could he not, it's Kevin? If anyone wants to talk about this loser from my mind, please send me an ask. I will be so happy to yap about him!

fay’s friends: @themundanemudperson @tessasilverswan @ordei