#that seek it and also those who do not
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On one hand, I want people to talk about misdiagnosis of mental health issues by doctors. But that does have this sort of implication that 1. having the "correct" label put on you is somehow more benevolent or deserved and 2. does not really talk about how most MH labels are subjective by nature and are utilized as tools of social abjection and violence. I really do not think that anyone can consent to that. Not with how these labels are utilized by clinicians and authorities today.
#especially since so much of the MH system relies on deception#y'know... sort of like how cops are allowed to lie their asses off and have cute catchphrases like 'protect and serve'#but they only protect the state#the system is presented as help but disenfranchises and punishes those#that seek it and also those who do not#all mh professionals are included in ACAB#text#my stuff#medical abuse#sanism#ableism#antipsych#antipsychiatry
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I think a lot about Leo’s tendency to push his way into the spotlight despite clearly being a natural in the shadows. Hell, you could argue that his worst moments are when he’s forcing himself onstage, and his best are when he does things no one notices until it’s already been done.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#His aptitude with subterfuge sleight of hand stealth and speed really push how being a ninja really comes naturally to him.#it’s arguable that his desperation for the spotlight and validation is an act of subterfuge against himself#note that when he’s offered a job as a mascot he’s fine being unknown#when he and splinter win the battle nexus Leo immediately says ‘they love YOU pops’#idk I think so much about how good a ninja Leo is#and how much his persona is more an actor#Leo as a tot is shown a natural skill at katana too so hear me out-#every Leo is a natural ninja but every Leo’s route in life is directly tied to their splinter so#since rise splinter is an actor Leo too aims for it#and he brings it into his whole life - masking always because a Leo makes what they do who they are#I think that Leo naturally falls more in line with that of a typical ninja#his eccentric performer self is his subterfuge skill just set to an 11 at all times#not that that’s NOT him - like I said it’s still undoubtedly a part of Leo#but? idk I think about little moments like Leo being the only one to choose stealth in bug busters#or Leo being the only one to almost get Gus’s dog tags in The Ninja Art of Hide and Seek (he was so close but luck was against him alas)#like- he’s clearly in his element there and he falls into those skills so easily#it’s like how everyone has skills in so many things but some exceed more in some than others do#like Raph? Raph’s the biggest Hero of the bunch of them let’s be perfectly real here. Raph is THE Hero#All the boys are smart in their own rights but Donnie is THE Genius.#and they all have mystic powers but Mikey is THE Mystic Warrior with immense untapped potential#likewise Leo I feel is THE Ninja#but yeah I love how much Leo goes for the spotlight anyway for better or for worse#he IS a performer again make no mistake! but again the way he does it still lines up with his natural ninja aptitude and I love it#Leo loving magic tricks and magicians so much works doubly well here because like#you’d think he’s focused solely on the performance flair - no it’s ALSO and ESPECIALLY the DECEPTION
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A–Aventio TGCF idea?? Wherein Civil God Veritas Ratio meets the infamous Ghost King Aventurine during his first mission cuz cuz like— The "live for me" paralels?!? The one who has all the luck partner as well?!? The villain who was actually not the Villain this whole time!?!? The loving humanity a little too much it causes their downfall !?!?!?
Rant AU in the tags proceed with caution
#Okay to put it into better words:#Veritas having once being a prince wanted to give everyone the prosperity of knowledge and became a civil god in the pursuit of it.#Sadly this backfires in people using that knowledge for their own greed and creating civil wars within it as well as unleashing far more#Destruction upon the land. And the other gods didn't help Veritas in stopping that bc see that's what happens when people overshare info!!#So the aftermath is just pure chaos plus banishment from being a civil god and thrown as this god of war and plague.#800 years passes and he is seen to just still be doing the same things but I a simple term. Teaching people to read and count.#Often times taking up mission and doing research on new pathogens to help cure the sick that can't afford and somehow during a reading#Lecture he gets ascended back to godhood and everyone is like ??? And even he is like ???#Well he doesn't care much about it and just continues to do what he's always done. Except that once in a while he has to take a detour#Mission to deal with ghosts and other malignant spirits. And upon one of those recurrences he finds himself aquaintanced with#The infamous Ghost King Aventurine. Who is mostly feared in heaven due to having beaten the strongest and wisest at their own games. Even#When the odds where fully against him.#As for Aventurine.#His life was harsh but as the prince had given a lot to the people#Not just education but also free them of diseases and sickness. One of which had struck his sister. He liked the prince and wanted to#Follow in giving and protecting the prosperity of the former kingdom. But the good things did not last and his family was struck in between#The many wars that took place. No matter how much refuge Kakavasha and his sister sought no place was ever#Safe enough for them.#He watched the entire world go up in flames yet somehow he could hate the prince-god for it. But rather the people who had started to#Create weapons in his name. The rest of his years he spent it as a warrior slave and then when death reached him he couldn't even go to#The afterlife since he still held so much vigor and wanted revenge to all the people who had turned his land into ashes and his family#Into bones. That is why he became a mourning ghost.#(I didn't want the kakavasha story to be so centered on ratio like it is in tgcf. Because I think it will be fun for the two of them to#Not recognize each other at first after 800 years and then when they do. Rather when aven does he's full on: oh shit it's the cute prince—#As for who was the cause of the upheaval in the kingdom and the maker of the weapons. Idk I was debating there being more than just one#Antagonist to have pulled their strings in verita's kingdom as well as be the reason Aven's sister died. So he's more revenge seeking for t#And the genius society as civil gods just spoke to me it for so perfectly. Ling wen as Ruan mei? Yeah exactly.#ratiorine#Aventio#Dr ratio
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I have to way I'm a bit surprised by all the hate charles gets and all the support carlos gets
I used to think charles was more popular
I guess when it comes to Fandom he does have a bigger one, but I think general audiences seems to support carlos more
Maybe it's underdog narrative idk. Like charles is constantly called spoiled, brat, whiny etc whenever he says ANYTHING that isn't super nice, while carlos can bitch as much as he want and barely gets called out
Fandom is always a bubble. I'd say the top two drivers in fandom are probably Charles, Max, and Lando because they're the ones that are popular with younger audiences. It's certainly not true outside. Sure, there's an RPF to fandom, but I think it's also worth noting as well if you're in F1 fandom, you're probably a more avid viewer of the sport than most casual fans, so things like Max's current domination are made more interesting by knowing the ins and outs of his journey, and it's easier to reject anti-Charles viewpoints because when you watch a drive like Suzuka in real time and look at the data afterwards, you understand why the past four WDCs think him generational, and why Carlos is a GOOD driver, indisputably, but has a deficit of skill in comparison to Charles which is masked with luck.
Also ultimately, it's a difference in what type of PR sells to different generations as well. Charles has carefully cultivated quite a strong parasocial relationship with a very loyal fanbase mainly comprising of the countries of Italy and Monaco and younger fans–he does this through playing into inside jokes online with his fans, making us feel like we have a 'special' understanding with him by liking certain tweets, or using certain emojis, or using pictures for his instagram that sneakily reflect a piece of online discourse that happened on a race weekend. Carlos has gone for the more traditional media approach of an underdog narrative to gain sympathy, but he doesn't have the same legion of loyal fans as Charles and makes no effort to build the same fan backchannels that Charles does, which is why I think that Charles, ultimately, will win the PR game. The support of traditional media is fickle, but the lecfosi would follow Charles into hell if asked. It's why Charles knows ventures like LEC or his music will succeed, wheras can the same be said for Carlos outside of Spain?
#i am always super wary of those who seek to build parasocial fanbases but i think charles has managed it in a taylor swift way ie quite well#lando also has a parasocial relationship with his fans but i think he manages that one worse#max in a weird way does not want anything to do with parasocial relationships at all but him basically being a child star helped build one#also i think he piggybacks off of lando's and charles' a fair bit#carlos also piggybacks off of lando's but in a weird way the positive effect from that one is balanced out by the negative from charles'#anyway thoughts!#f1 journalism discourse#f1 parasocial PR#charles leclerc#anon#asks
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No one comes to you for political statements about Palestine. Stfu. If anyone wanted to donate, they would've already. Someone posting shit about The Boys isn't going to convince anyone that they should give money to a random person across the ocean. I'm tired of the shit on my feed constantly because of you
You saying such heinously ignornant things from an anonymous message is exactly what I would expect from a despicably twisted person such as yourself.
To see people begging for help from anyone who might be able to provide that for them as an inconvenience to your day is truly barbaric behavior.
You are truly one sick individual.
#also wtf does me being a The Boys fan have anything to do with sharing resources to help those who are victims of a genocide??#seek help you sick freak#idc if this is simply a troll or ragebait either way youre sick in the head
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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What exactly is the problem with "queerphobia"? I prefer the word "cisheterosexism," personally, but that's just as vague. Why can't there be words for a more broad phenomenon which includes the more specific forms of oppression OP of that post is demanding be acknowledged?
Okey dokey so this is in regards to this post: https://www.tumblr.com/fandomshatewomen/749573906105614336?source=share
And I’ll say, speaking for myself, I’m actually pro-the-term-queerphobia. Because I think it very accurately describes the process that these people go through. They come across a person who does not act in the ways that they expect them to, but they’re not gonna go through the whole rigmarole of “I have interpreted this to be an X type of person therefore I expected them to act in Y types of ways, but they have not and this is upsetting to me but that’s okay because people are allowed to upset me” they’re just gonna jump straight from that confusion to disgust/revulsion/anger and displace their poor self-regulation onto you. Or me. Or whichever queer/non-“normal” person they happen to have interacted with that day.
That being said I’m just one of the mods on the fandomshate blogs, and there’s a whole bunch of you in this audience. Feel free to reblog and add your thoughts or send in messages and we can continue the conversation :)
• mod dyr
#a couple p.s. thoughts. first is i do understand that it can be hurtful to feel unseen by ‘general’ terms like queer#and sometimes specific terms like lesbophobia or transphobia are genuinely more appropriate.#ig i just feel like its rare that the specificity of those terms is necessary and ‘queerphobia’ is truly insufficient#i also worry that when we start to get too linguistically specific re queer terminology it’s papering over transphobia. and that sucks#but you have to understand that if you act in trans-exclusionary ways its reasonable for people to treat you accordingly#this world makes queer people vulnerable because of our queerness#and I’d argue queer people are much more similar than we are different#so rather than scatter to our acronym factions i would much prefer to seek out the joy and the power of queer unity#but who knows maybe thats just me (kidding)
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i sometimes think wether the art ive made for people is ever.. remembered? Be it gifts or commisions or trades or else. Ive not ever received gifts, but commissions ive got are in a special folder on the computer and favourited in the phone gallery. and i look at them and i think about them and smile to them a lot..
#some people i dont talk to anymore i have made.. so much art for?#of ocs or ships or fandom characters#i wonder if the art trade i made 6 years ago is still looked at..#and to think i also dont remember all what ive gifted? i can confidently name less than ten things specifically but i know theres.. more#i wonder if it was even saved or if its.. sank in old messages between dead accounts#i remember when i drew portraits of all of my favourite mutuals. sincere effort#in folk clothes of their regions with symbolica feom their blogs and and and..#with some of those people i later fell out due to fights. Do the still have those drawings?they were not *bad*.#I remember them liking them.. do they so still?#do people even.. remember that such event occured?#and i think about this because i found a drawing i made for someone after they commented the names of two characters nder a dtiys ship meme#and i send them without expectation or anything but.. ah. would they even know what i talk about if mentioned?#i have friends who do.. remember.. and are thankfull.. not that i seek that. and remind me and praise my effort without prompt. but i#do wonder how many dont remember.. if#it taws at me like what lost effort#...#but of course if there was no risk of waste there woulsnt be any art at all ever.. mhm
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The fact that I am being driven crazy by the strange obsession a lot of tma Tumblr users have with a wrong interpretation of Michael Distortion is actually so Distortion coded it's kinda funny
#hes not neon fun quirky boy#its a manipulator gaslighter who seeks out only to make jon and co more and more angry and confused and driven to mistakes.#its only distorted in a way to make you question your sanity. and not in a colorful way#im ranting and i feel the full influence of its gleeful sadism on my mind lol#all tumblr depicts him as is basically onceler 2.0 with a rainbow blond twist and whaaaaa#tumblr be tumblr i guess 😆😆😆#also imma rant about how hes shipped with gerry when he was working with his dad. this isnt to negate the ship yall are perfectly valid!#i just personally dont like it. i do like eric and michael ships tho. those have a fun dynamic#i live michael shelley and feel awful for him#but tumblr done the distortion dirty :')#i go mainly for body horror distortions that emody the feel of insanity incarnate#rather than the neon rainbow ones#unless they manage to convey the feel as well#end of rant#discourse#also MORE DISTORTION HELEN!! BUT ALSO NOT IN A RAINBOW WAY BUT A HORROR SHE SMILES WAY TOO MUCH WHATS SHE HIDING WAYYYY
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richard silken, editor's pages: black telephone | molly brown, places i've taken my body: essays | hael, who made you a monster? | j.h., to be discovered via @fairytellings | heiner müller, anatomy titus fall of rome | albert camus, caligula
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#YOUR NEED GREW TEETH: character study.#tw: blood.#tw: knives.#tw: weapons.#the concept of feeling less than human / like a monster and eventually succumbing to believing you are one.#though also simultaneously being afraid you're losing your humanity as it goes little by little.#barton really does dehumanize himself more than anyone else ever could in my opinion and that is because he treats himself-#extremely harshly / doesn't have a good image of himself at ALL a majority of the time. however barton never tries to really change-#his behavior or seek out help so it's understandable for those who do not feel pity for him to not.#though on the other hand thing's are slightly more complicated than him just choosing to not do so.#as barton is arguably mentally unwell to the point where it is debilitating sometimes though this does not absolve him of having-#to take responsibility for his actions of course. barton is just... he kind of feels like he is both a fire and a person watching a fire-#if that makes any sense. because there is something 'burning' inside of him that is destructive and yet all he feels he can do about it is-#let it happen and/or let it run die by itself. however who knows whether it will ever do that you know?
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you ever see a fandom post that's like so far out of character you think it should be possible to deactivate someone's blog for them
#this is about that aftg venn diagram that said andrew is into astrology and neil kicks pigeons#1. no the fuck he would not be into astrology are you insane#2. who kicks pigeons why is that part of the venn diagram like its a normal thing are you insane#guys please tell me people arent going around kicking pigeons if so seek help#stop taking your problems out on the pigeons thats a living animal this has been my anti pigeon kicking psa bc why tf would you do that#what joy do you get from hurting an animal#marenposting#ALSO. ASTROLOGY. REALLY. FUCK OFF#andrew would not fall for that shit but nicky? allison? im not mad just disappointed#those posts about fandoms where people make up their own versions of the characters in their heads to stan are all about this fandom#which is fine its not fucking paradise lost its all for the game#but still do better men
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Honestly I think it would do us all well to go back to kinda cringy feminism again for a little bit idk cause I think maybe for some people the discourse somehow circled back around to supporting sexism just rebranded or whatever so its more aesthetic
#personal#instead of progressing the discourse into idk more inclusion of women of color and trans women#it went in the direction of like glorifying women being stupid and romanticizing beauty standarts#also weird centering of men all over again in feminism and in general for some reason#remember in the early 2010s when emma watson was like obliterated for that 'he for she' campaign#because it prioritized men in feminist discourse and then thats the exact direction where things went later on (and where it is currently)#people care more abt like 'haha this is my golden retriever bf he drinks respect women juice!' than about actual women speaking abt feminis#like being a feminist isnt about social change and women prioritizing each other its abt how dudes are hot when they do the bare minimum!#also have you noticed the rise in lesbophobia both in the sense of persecution of lesbians themselves#and of lesbians relationships and culture which other wlw are also part of (its giving lavender menace)#and also remember how we had the me too movement and then immediately after#everyone still fell for a smear campaing against a victim of domestic abuse?#anyway i would really love to get back to basics of like women should support each other!#and beauty standarts overwhelmingly negatively affect women and girls!#and we still need to incentivize girls to seek out intellectual pursuits especially in STEM and leadership roles!#because we continue to be underpresented in those fields and the only way to enact change is to bring our perspectives to those areas#instead of asking politely for guys to throw us a bone!#also stop acting like its cringe to openly and vocally center and prioritize women in every sphere of our lives possible!#and also maybe go back to actively trying to do that! and considering that a good thing!??#because we're the ones who should have our backs most of all?? idk idk#also where are the teeth??#why is everyone so afraid of being angry now???#its like some people circled back to being afraid of being mistaken for man-hating or something#just for pointing out common sense aspects of oppression without adding an asterisk about how men suffer too!#i thought we all knew there is no such thing as reverse sexism!!!#idk!!!#and this isnt me condoning choice feminism many women are evil and actively work against their own interests#or antagonize other women to make themselves feel important such as terfs etc#but idk its like everyone internalized that 'well women can suck too' so hard that its become like#'*most* women suck and we dont even have to keep trying to empathize and prioritize each other and our issues anymore'
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I know multiple of these are likely important to people, but I'm asking in terms of like - which of these do you tend to focus on the MOST, enjoy the most, that is most essential for you to actually care about the media, etc.?
(For example: someone finding "Relatability" most important would likely not enjoy a show much if they have trouble empathizing with the characters/relating to it, even if it were good otherwise. Or, someone might be able to overlook bad acting and ugly costumes, as long as the Character Dynamics are fun to them, because they value that more than Aesthetics- while for others, bad costumes would be a dealbreaker.)
Also feel free to reblog and explain your answer or more information in the tags- I've always been curious about people's relationships to media, how they conceptualize it/what they get out of it, how some people value some parts more than others, how that informs their overall taste and genres they may be more inclined towards, etc. :0c
#I was having a conversation with a friend about our favorite type of media and they said the reason they DON'T like historical or fantasy#media or etc. is because they can't imagine themselves being in those situations like it's too detached from anything that they can relate#to personally. they put themselves in the shoes of the characters and apparently like feel emotions while watching stuff and actually#get into the way the characters are feeling so they kind of judge how 'good' or 'bad' a show's writing/setting/etc. are by how it makes#them feel and if they think the characters reacted realistically based on what they were feeling in the moment/what in their head they#would be feeling if they were in the postion of the character. SO apparently the distance of it being in an unrelatable setting or too#detached from our reality makes it harder for them to relate to and less able to really engage with it on that level. WHEREAS I watch#things exclusively in a very like.. detached way?? I'm INTERESTED.. it's like im intellectually analyzing everyhting that's happening and#can be intrigued by events but it's not in an emotional way? More of like a distant 'intellectual curiosity'. Maybe the premise or the#aesthetics or something about it has piqued an interest for me to observe it. to see what it's like or how it plays out. how the idea#is executed or etc. But like.. I cannot remember EVER really relating to any character or situation or projecting onto a character#or having those sorts of feelings or investment in it. That is just not a central part of why/how I watch things or what I care about#BUT after this I was thinking maybe this is my disconnect? I do not seem to conceptualize media the way some other people do and I often#walk away with an entirely different take on things. etc. So I wonder if maybe it's part of how everyone values different things probably?#maybe I literally just watch stuff and percieve it from a different frame of mind that others. More of a like detached curiosity#vaguely bemused analysis mode. Instead of a 'I am deeply emotionally invested in this and am feeling for all the characters' mode#And also I bet people who care more about plot/story are also the people who mind spoilers. Whereas for me I literally seek out spoilers#intentionally because that element of 'suprise ooh what will happen next!' is not central at all to my enjoyment. I could know literally#everything that will happen and still can find it interesting to observe - since for me#that's not the point. I'd rather know the ending so I can determine whether I want to invest the time in it in the first place. etc.#ANYWAY!! If I had to choose - I would say I'm usually heavily focused on world details and aesthetics. With only a slight preference#towards characters individually being interesting. Group dynamics can sometimes be okay but I get tired of everything being about relations#hips and romance - especially when sometimes it seems to be like. people who could not stand on their own as a character/are fundamentally#boring otherwise lol. I would watch a series of just one guy locked in a closet talking to himself as long as he was interesting and saying#things that were amusing or notable for some reason lol. I actually tend to dislike plot because most 'plot heavy' things like action focus#ed shows ALWAYS feel to me like they're moving so fast just to get from one thing to another that I'm not getting enough details. Part of#why I tend to not like movies. the time limit makes them too quick. I need a 95 hour expostion dump of the history of the entire world#and a series of 17 episodes straight where a guy is trapped in a room & the audience is just psychoanalyzing him. hghj.. Maybe I find all#characters annoying/unrelatable bc people w my personality type make bad characters/are not often represented (or are done BADLY). so then#I'm just picking 'who is the LEAST insufferable? who could i study like a lab rat?' whilst my main focus is the worldbuilding&costumes lol
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au where the black swan never had to abandon alluveterre, and sophie and biana keep sleeping in the same bed so much it becomes routine and they gradually get more cuddly as time goes by. and then they get more affectionate and emotionally intimate with each other too. and then they’re at the classic sapphic ‘are we dating or just really good friends?’ stage for a stupidly long time
#the more time this takes the better#also bonus points if they do end up leaving alluveterre anyway to go back home and whenever they're alone they go koala mode on each other#personally i think of biana as the one who's always clinging to sophie but i'm open to it being the other way around#particularly on hard days for sophie when she just needs the comfort of her...biana#definitely not gf what are you talking about#also if you think ahead in this au to the point where they're living either in the elite levels together or on their own together please#consider: the two of them actively seeking each other out as roommates and only ever using one bed and being. well. Roommates TM#whether this is established relationship or pining at this point i would be soooo in man#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#sophiana#sophie foster#biana vacker#kotlc fic idea#this is one of those ones where the slower the burn the better if you get what i mean
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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Are your boyfriend applications open, by chance?
...HMMM...
DEPENDS WHOS ASKIN'!!!
maybe i should start deciding my "requirements" or something since i've never had a bf before
#asks#they're very much open to 2 people who have been doing a very good job at convincing me that maybe im not unloveable#and also open to 3 other really attractive people i know#but at least one of those people is fully a girl so 2 i guess actually#and i think at least in terms of the ones i personally know#ignoring the whole clone situation#shes dating one of the other ones#so i guess in terms of people who#are maybe seeking boyfriends idk#theres three i guess#BUT I DONT KNOW IM OPEN TO MEETING NEW PEOPLE#WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THIS
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