#that said if you have GOOD yuri about adults

[colorisbyshe]

the thing about the 'support yuri or you're a misogynist' posts is a significant portion of yuri is written by men (which people making those posts would know if they actually read yuri themselves) and most yaoi is written by women so technically no matter what you read you're supporting women just in different ways... sort of. i mean not really but also kinda. we all win and we all lose all the time. such is life.

[jazzyblusnowflake]

OMG hi…I really like your art and was wondering if you wanna be mutuals??????????? Also tell me about your MD ships :3c

honey we are dating- .....okay yknow what- HI PRETTY & TALENTED LADY- yess i will absolutely love toooo 🙈💕💕💕💕💕

also lets see uhhh okay this is an excuse for me to just... expload-

keep in mind not every ship is meant for all of you so dont badger me about stuff that ISNT CANON or YOU DONT SHIP. contrary to whatever you believe, when somone posts about THEIR ships, nobody wants to hear about you NOT shipping it on THAT EXACT post.

hang in there, this gon be a long one >:p

First off we are starting strong with Nuzi- Biscuitbites obviously thats a given- these two just have too much to be said about why and how they make eachother the best version of eachother, whether they ever became canon or not- they fit like puzzle pieces- they lessen eachothers negative traits by being their for eachother.

next is Vuzi- Violentviolet, they are my favorite kind of enemies to lovers 😔 but its also tragic smh. kinda pissed off at how V always does something good in Uzis favor only when she is LITERALLY PASSED OUT- either in the camp ep on the bus or in Alices lab. like damn ofFUCKINGcourse Uzi wouldnt know she cares about her 😭😭😭

envuzi- Violentbitingbiscuits, i love these goobers with all my heart- they deserve the best 😔💕💕💕💕

envy - [does this poor ship just NOT have an exclusive FINDABLE tag name??? im calling them GoldenMemories...], i like to think that if they were in the manor still, and nothing bad had ever happened, these two would be comforting eachother in the healthiest way possible. V needs someone like N and N is just adorable like that uwu

Next we have JxTessa/Jessa- [calling them Fancyblades cuz why not-] J deserves some closure for the shit shes gone through smhhh 😔, its a tragic yuri of J loving and wanting something she probably already accepted she couldnt have, and even then she gotta deal with Ns ass being the favorite one regardless of how hard she tries to be perfect... sighhh i wanna imagine them in a future where Tessa was spared as the only human and J could save her 😭😭😭😭 Tessa might have loved doing mechanical stuff or wore black to hide grease/oil stains on her clothes from her parents and wore gloves to hide her oily stained hands- i want her to have a scene of wiring drones back to life and saving them and saying something like "hey there, you made it! dont worry, ill take care of you, youre my friend now :3" or something //dies//, also before anyone says it- even if Tessa was a teen in the flashbacks- romance is not exclusive to ADULTS, teens can love eachother without having sexual stuff involved. no she was not their MOTHER figure, she was their FRIEND who liked to fix robots for herself to not be alone in a house where her own parents literally chain her up as punishment. i dont even know why im arguing about this, people headcanon or make aus about characters NOT being dead all the time and if Tessa was alive for as long as J thought she was, Tessa would have been a perfectly fine adult either way. so counting this, yes shes canonically considered an adult when Cyn tries to imitate an adult humans body 🙄 makes as much sense as everything else i guess-

next ones i got is NorixYeva/Neva- Solverlilies- i just think theyre neat 😭😭😭 and once again, like everything else in this franchise- they are tragic yuris 😔 damn liam im finding a pattern over here 🤨 anyway, i like to think they either got closer in the lab experimentations or were already close when they were working as WDs in the campsite area for the humans. obviously canonically they were probably straight or just not into eachother romantically- [Nori either u have the worst taste men or Khan just fucking lost it after you died-] but also on the other handddd.... they have 2 hands and they are robots, i want them to kiss like two barbie dolls and im gonna make them do just that-

DollxLizzy/Dizzy- Bloodypink, wost fucking ship names ever, i cant find shit on them with these tags and it makes me angry >:/ at this point 2/3s of my ships are just tragic yuris smh, Doll did not deserve any of the things handed to her, even if she went about doing some things the wrong way i wish Lizzy didnt just abandon her- but then again, Doll did kinda abuse Lizzys trust and Lizzy got scared of being close to a serial murderer so.... morality calls this a draw? 😭 im crying... i wish someone was there to help Doll... sigh... i like to think Lizzy would have waited for Doll to just come back at some point... oh well, thats why AUs exist :"3 //sobs in the corner//

DollxUzi/Dollzi- Bloodybats, this ship is so underrated to me... they could have been... so much more. but why weren't they? did Yeva abandon ever getting close to Uzi when she was a kid after Nori died? did Uzi and Doll just never play around together as kids when their mothers were so close? were they ever close and something went wrong as they grew older? at worst they could have been like sisters together, and at best maybe more than friends. i just dont know what happened here, like Yeva could have tried to keep an eye on Uzi, maybe Uzi could have found Dolls powers so cool before having them too- i dont know theres literally tons of possibilities- but if Doll deserved to be saved or cared for by anyone, at least one of them should have been Uzi... sigh.

ThadxV- Killingblonde, yall this is... the cutest shit... ever???? like from here on out we kinda go into the more or less crackship territory but these two are adorable- Dumbass yet wholesome jock boy that just wants to keep his queen happy 😔👌👌👌 He and Uzi would have so much to talk about on "crushing on literal murder bots that stabbed and almost ate us" its literally love at first stab smhhh 😫💕

ThadxSam- Smokyjock ???? for some fucking reason??? i dont know what my brain did here man- i just like the trope of someone getting under Thads skin- like pair up the healthy sports loving gym boy with the lazy but wholesome dumbass that does drugs or is always just sleep deprived and Thad is always trying to just... take care of his ass and make him take care of himself but he just WONT SMHHH-

okay some more or less crack ships down here:

ThadxN: it speaks for itself. its too adorable and youll go blind from the light of wholesomeness-

ThadxNxUzi: Uzi will die here from the overwhelming wholesomeness... oh bonus if its just a 4s polycule of ThadxNxUzixV i mean i know im pushing my luck but.... random crackships go brr- V and Uzi will complain but love their dumbass golden puppy partners-

ThadxUzi: i think they could have been close and Thad caring about her as a childhood friend turned crush sounds just too cute for me 😔

LizzyxUzi: another random ass rivals to lovers or some shit idk what this is, Lizzy would pay Uzi to kiss the fuck out of her i dont make the rules-

ThadxLizzy: in some cases where they are NOT headcanoned as siblings or cousins, i think they have a good energy of wholesome jock bf and girly queen cheerleader lol, Thad is just a good bf eitherway-

DollxUzixLizzy: the gals would not leave a single second of silence for the small gremlin i swear to God- [Uzi is gay as FUCK for her gfs, absolute girloser unit with her gorgeous but crazy gfs]

okay for the end i have some characters that arent ships but i wish they could have become closer as friends or work out their issues...

J and N- too much abuse and toxicity here, i wish they could talk together more and see they have a lot of things in common- maybe a full line of dialogue from J without threatning N in every sense of the manner would be nice for a change =_=

Doll and V- again, a bit morally ambiguous to ship a character with the murderer of your family, esp when said murderer hasnt expressed regret lmao, but i wish they could at least be friends... Dolls disdain for the murder drones pushed her to end up the way she did. maybe if she didnt do it alone she would have been alive by now. so i like to think what would have happened if she and V could have made up- not necessarily Doll forgiving her- but at least having the space to grow and understand why they did they things that happened.

Cyn and literally ANYONE- i want the solver to be SEPARATE from Cyn- i wish Cyn would have still existed somewhere down there and was savable- i wish this poor child AI had a happy ending to her by connecting with the others as ACTUAL siblings... goddamnit 😔

aaaand thats it for this fine ass day 🫡 yall are welcome to ask about any of these- boy the tags are gonna be.... a lot.

[crimeronan]

quick dunmeshi thoughts now that it's been a few hours since i finished the manga:

chilchuck good. love a bitch.

i was hoping i'd have a new popular femslash ship i can write for but unfortunately the yuris are too sweet and fluffy for me. i need my sapphics to try to kill each other at least once :(

similarly: marcille did great being unhinged within the constraints of the genre but baby girl i wanna see you in a yellowjackets type setting SO BAD. set marcille free in an adult drama where she can do true atrocities. FOLDED TOO FAST GIRLIE I BELIEVE IN YOUR ABILITY TO SUCCUMB TO DARKNESSSSS DONT LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!! DONT BELIEVE IN LOVE!!! DONT HAVE A POIGNANT MOMENT OF EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND ACCEPTANCE!! DONT COME TO TERMS WITH GRIEF!!!! DONT LET THEM CONVINCE YOU NOT TO DO ATROCITIES YOU ARE SO POWERFUL AND CAPABLE OF RUINING EVERYTHING FOREVER!!!!!!

wasn't attracted to laios except for in one single scene.

it was the one where he suffocated falin.

we're not going to unpack this.

izutsumi would be a blorbo if she wasnt just straight-up me.

as is though so many of her lines are things i have directly said aloud in real life conversation that i spent the whole time going "well. this is freaking me out."

kabru is an icon. love guys who play 3d chess

come to think of it, i'm pretty sure his relationship with mithrun is the only one that had any emotional impact on me whatsoever. cunt who can't feel dick about shit x bitch who's pissed off about it 5EVAAAAA

i still default to snack packs of cheez its and goldfish crackers to replace the meals i don't wanna cook. an entire 100-chapter manga about the love of cooking and eating has done nothing to improve my outlook on cooking and eating.

sorry senshi. :(

[ladyloveandjustice]

Spring 2024 Anime Overview: Train to the End of the World and Tonari no Yokai-san

Who knows if poor Whisper Me a Love Song (a cute yuri anime about a girl band... with dire animation conditions so it's currently stuck on episode 10 with the last two episodes delayed indefinitely) is ever going to finish, but here’s some my first post reviewing the rest of what I watched.

Delicious in Dungeon continued to kill it with the second half of the season, kicking into high gear and introducing cranky catgirls, but you can see my general thoughts on the show here.

Train to the End of the World

I love bizarre anime, especially bizarre anime starring loveable weird girls, and Train absolutely delivers.

 A teenage girl named Yoka is bullied by a slimy businessman into pushing a button that activates the 7G cellular network across Japan, but said network warps and changes Japan completely, having bizarre effects on the citizens. For example, all the adults in Yoka's hometown have been transformed into animals and are starting to act like animals.

Shizuru is Yoka's best friend, and she said some seriously nasty things to Yoka before her friend left town. Yoka's been missing ever since the 7G incident and Shizuru is desperate to find her and apologize. So when she sees a picture showing Yoka in Ikebukuro, she decides to drive a train to find her, and her friends Reimi, Akira, Nadeshiko, and also her dog come along. As they travel across the warped Japan, they face many weird encounters and obstacles.

Train to the End of the World is greatly entertaining, as we see the girls encounter nihiists with mushrooms growing out of their heads, screaming goatmen that ram into the train and even zombies on their journey. The dialogue is snappy, and the girls all have a fun personalities. As a lover of girls doing silly violence, I also adored how everyone besides Akira (who is the smart one) has ridiculous combat skills, with Shizuru having her own form of martial art, Reimi being physically unstoppable when she's mad, and Nadeshiko might come off as the ladylike bow and error wielder...but actually she also can beat the shit out of people with said bow as a blunt object. It's fun to watch them go wild.

An example of how ridiculous the show can get is the encounter with the zombies--the absolutely bizarre logic is that since zombies are supposed to be dead to all sensation, arousal will make them blow up. Instead of the girls acting sexy to arouse them like most anime would do, they just say dirty words, and Akira recites a whole paragraph from Lady Chatterley's Lover that she apparently memorized, and they sing a hilariously bawdy folk song. This episode DOES contain the show's biggest moment of sexualizing the teenage girls though- a hyper detailed panty shot that was super jarring considering the show avoided fanservice before then.

And the next episode had Nadeshiko forced to don a somewhat skimpy outfit. Those are the only two instances of fanservice, but that episode also had a joke where this character in this children's cartoon come to life's entire gimmick was that she was suicidal. It was probably meant to be "lol look how inappropriate this would be for children" but it still felt fairly mean spirited at times.

Despite those hiccups to watch out for, the anime works because it never forgets it's core theme or friendship--the relationships between the girls are developed at a good pace, and Shizuru's guilt over what she did to Yoka is explored well too. It's not just a ridiculous anime, it has a heart too. So if an anime where a girl punches a bear in the face and arms herself with vegetables appeals to you…check it out!

Tonari No Yokai-san

Tonari no Yokai-san takes place in a world where yokai have integrated into human society. The central characters are Buchio, a cat who became a nekomata after living to twenty, and Jiro, a crow tengu who is close friends with a little girl he calls Mu-chan.

This is a very sweet, gentle series that has some heartwrenching and dark undertones occasionally.  Mu’s father has been lost to an eerie void, and a lot of the stories focus on grief. The immediate comparison tone and content-wise is Natsume’s Book of Friends, but it distinguishes itself by presenting a world where yokai are very much part of society, to the point where they have to do paperwork  and pay taxes. (There was also a confirmation that one character is bisexual when his backstory involves dating a guy yokai, so that was nice, especially since he's currently in a relationship with a car yokai that's probably meant to be romantic? Yes I said car yokai it is his car.)

There’s also some sci-fi elements mixed in with alternate timelines and what not. I think these elements could be integrated more smoothly, but they are pretty novel. It’s a really solid series.

I do love stories about yokai and I thought it was enjoyable and touching, but it didn’t rock my world the way I wanted it to…it might be that it followed too many characters at once so I couldn’t dig into any of them the way I really wanted to. Still, it’s a sweet, tender and pleasant watch, I definitely rec it.

[danieyells]

I propose this idea: both Ritsu and Yuri make the mc do domestic/motherly things but for different reasons. Ritsu wants to see how his crush would be if they had children (he will need an heir to the legacy in some years!) (and to a certain point he wants to be cared for like when he was younger but it isn't his first reason shhh) on the other hand Yuri is stepping the line between wanting a mom and wanting to be babied and fed his favorite food and wanting a girlfriend and dealing with his romantic feelings like an adult (plus when jiro joins the mothering and mothered dynamic he acts like a child getting a sibling he didn't want for a little bit)

lmaooo i love that.

Ritsu frames it as little assistant work at first--he pays them for it, unlike everyone else who asks for their help cleaning their office and organizing things, so they're a little happier to do it. They've been working for Jin and Romeo so their cleaning skills are very good. Perhaps a little too good. They haven't been cleaning up crimes, have they?

Then he offhandedly asks if they know how to cook. They admit they haven't really cooked since they got to DW and mostly ate at the cafeteria or ate things others cooked for them or ate out. Ritsu chides them for their lack of self-sufficiency and reminds them they can use the kitchens at DW. He wanted to investigate something for a client, so it would be a good opportunity to try out cooking. You want to make sure you know where your nutrition is coming from! Their cooking is satisfactory, but it's definitely not a mother's level yet. They have time to improve. They don't really understand why he's being so critical about it, but they apologize anyway, wondering if maybe Sho or one of Jin's cooks could teach them a thing or two. It would be nice to be able to make food for their friends.

Then he asks about their work at Jabberwock, dealing with anomalous animals. They admit it's tough, but some of them are nice! They mention taking care of some of the younger animals after making sure the parents knew they meant no harm. So far nothing more than minor injuries! He nods in approval as they explain bottle feeding Peekaboo, and how cute it is when it's enjoying its food. Haru said they're a natural--Peekaboo didn't even throw up or bite them when they fed it for the first time! The younger anomalous animals seem to like them a lot!

Ritsu can't help but smile at that they seem to take well to caring for children. That's the most important thing. In the three years his firstborn son will have before he becomes a slave to the judicial system, he wants him to be loved and cared for by someone who will be able to give him the kind of love his mother gave him.

(Of course he would never force them to have a child. That would be against some law I'm sure, I'm not exactly up to date with the Japanese Penal Code. However, he wouldn't stay with them if they couldn't have children--he needs to have an heir, it's expected of him, so even if he wouldn't be happy with the result he would have to find someone else.)

(In the meantime though, he might indulge a little in being offered to try food as it gets closer and closer to tasting like what a mother's cooking should taste like. Even if he refuses, he still feels something like motherly love when they worry over him seeming to 'work too hard'. Being shown things he's not familiar with feels like motherly love, because he spent so much time with his mother seeing the wonders of the world. Perhaps the things they show him aren't as glamorous, but they still give a similar feeling of sharing a world outside of his own.)

Yuri, in stark contrast, is just a spoiled child about it sometimes. Although he tries not to be overt about it.

He finally decides he can go to sleep now after staying up like a week and a half researching, so "Come here. Your heartrate and breathing patterns are optimal for helping me sleep more quickly, so lie down with me for a little while. It--it's just so I can sleep and wake more efficiently! Do not question my methods, worm!" and then they have a grown ass man curled up against their chest(arms around their waist, it's not entirely childish--) and they aren't allowed to move until he's had his nap. He may or may not want a lullaby or bedtime story, but counting their heartrate is enough.

They decide to bring Jiro and Yuri something to eat and Yuri pouts and huffs over it not being their cooking. He still eats it though, because he's happy they brought him food. It's still a motherly gesture. Why'd they bring some for Jiro too though Jiro can't even eat solids what do you mean you had to make Jiro's nutrition shake yourself why didn't they hand make his food he is their--significant other! . . .Yes, Jiro is also their significant other, but that is besides the point!

(Jiro is quietly enjoying his meal in his shaker bottle. They're reminded of a child with a sippy cup with Yuri huffing next to him. He does not want to share his mama.)

Yes he is a mature adult but he's not good at addressing his feelings at all. When he does he does it awkwardly and accidentally, through freuden slips and things he wanted to keep to himself until he didn't feel like he was too busy for such concerns. N-not that he cares if they think it's strange he wants to call them 'mama' while clearly maintaining romantic (and professionally possessive) feelings! He's not worried about them finding this offputting at all!!! He knows they're honored to be his partner and. . .occasional source of maternal comforts and outlet regrets! Anyway he's going to hold their hand everywhere they go--because he is leading them where they need to go like a good researcher does, not because it fulfills his romantic and juvenile needs--

When he succeeds at something he wants to show them so they smile and tell him what a good job he is and how proud they are and how impressive he is. . .like his mother used to. Not that it's entirely that--of course he wants to impress his partner too, but. . .the projection is embarrassing, but comforting.

[delicatemusickingdom]

Book 1 Part 2 Chapter 3.2

Chapter 3.2

When Flynn removed the lid from the pot, white steam and a delicious smell rose from the pot, accompanied by the sound of bubbling water. Beside it, a shallower pot was being heated over the fire, and similarly, a wonderful sound and fragrant aroma was wafting from it. 

Flynn dealt with the pots one by one with practised ease. He was so skilled that Yuri and the other children could only watch in amazement. His movements were almost like an assembly line — that was how fast he worked, and even if they tried to help they only got in the way. In the end, the boys were left with nothing to do, and could only linger outside the kitchen and watch Flynn cook. 

His skill was brilliant, but his presentation was impeccable as well. The food was carefully plated, and a lot of attention was paid to its appearance, which further stimulated the boys’ appetites. And most importantly, the flavour didn’t disappoint. 

It surprised not only the children, but also the adults present that he could make such delicious meals using only ingredients obtained in the lower quarter. Even Jiri was left at a loss for words upon witnessing Flynn’s unexpected talent. 

This guy really has an infinite number of talents. Yuri didn’t know how many times he had thought this since his first meeting with Flynn, but once again he was deeply impressed. Just how many more tricks does he have hidden away?

“Hey, where did you learn this from?” 

Yuri said as he stuffed his mouth full to satiate his stomach’s cries. 

But Flynn didn’t even try to look him in the eye. He just answered quietly.  

“I didn’t really learn from anyone, or anything like that… I just followed my mother’s notes.”  

Mother. The instant those words left his mouth, the atmosphere at the dining table turned stiff and awkward. The children kept quiet and focused on eating, their smiles stuck on their faces. 

Yuri also kept quiet as he ate. He could easily imagine what was going through Flynn’s mind, but at the same time, he couldn’t hide his surprise. 

If what Flynn said was true, then he’d simply followed what was written in his mother’s notes. Yet, he was able to recreate his mother’s cooking in the exact same way. No matter how good Norein’s cooking was — come to think of it, he’d never had the chance to taste it until the very end — imitating it was a completely different story. It was hard to imagine anyone capable of pulling off such a feat, but Yuri had the feeling if it was Flynn, he could do it. 

The back of the person he was trying to catch up to and overtake seemed to move further ahead again, and the food that should have tasted delicious now tasted a little bitter. It annoyed him that he was thinking about such things even at a time like this. 

A little over a month had passed since Norein’s death. It was more than enough time for Flynn to return to his usual daily life, but not enough for his sadness to heal. He had remained in low spirits the entire time, but no one could blame him for that. 

Having lost his only relative, he had been encouraged by Hanks to move into ‘My Home’. But even though it had only been for a few years, it was still the house where Flynn had lived with his mother, and he was reluctant to leave. In the end, he decided he would only visit ‘My Home’ for lunch and dinner for the time being. 

Usually Jiri was in charge of the meals for ‘My Home’, but when she was busy and couldn’t find anyone capable of substituting for her, the boys in ‘My Home’ would have to cook for themselves. The boys called those days a ‘miss’. 

After all, no one knew how to cook, and it was a pain to do, to say the least. On top of that, regardless of whether it was just one person or a few people, even if they worked hard to cook the meal they would always receive a merciless disapproval from everyone. No one liked doing it, and everyone was unwilling to take the job, and so most of the time they were forced to decide by drawing lots or taking turns. 

Perhaps because he couldn’t bear to watch them, Flynn had offered in a monotonous voice to do it himself, and in front of everyone’s suspicious gazes, proceeded to demonstrate his skill. That evening’s dinner was a ‘big hit’, and the boys would remember it for a long time to come. 

That was how Flynn came to be in charge of cooking when Jiri wasn’t around. Although the role had been half-forced onto him, he had accepted it indifferently anyways. He didn’t find any fulfilment in doing so, and simply performed the task as if it was another one of his manual work. To give an example, it was as if he were a machine that simply carried out its functions, devoid of any personality, unable to produce anything new. 

Normally Yuri would have welcomed the idea of Flynn playing a role in everyone’s daily lives, but the way Flynn seemed to lack a purpose made him feel concerned. Most of the series of procedures following Norein’s death — not that there were a lot of them, seeing how the government didn’t care about their district — had been carried out, and life in the lower quarter carried on the same as before. Even if you scoop out a portion of water from a pool, the surface will look unchanged, because the rest of the water will quickly fill in the hole. That was how it looked in the lower quarter — only now, the ‘lessons’ had stopped. 

The boys had also started moving forward in their own ways. 

Even after purchasing the gravestone, the boys had some money left over from what they had earned. Admirably, the boys had offered to donate it for the lower quarter’s use, and Hanks and the other adults expressed their respect towards the boys’ idea, but told them to use the money for themselves. 

So the boys split the money evenly, and then did as they pleased with their portion. 

Yuri bought a new sword. His first sword, the one he shared with Flynn, was already too small, which made it hard to wield. The other children either bought what they wanted, or if they couldn’t think of anything, stored the money away to use later. Surprisingly enough, Jareth bought a few books. 

However, the problem lay with Flynn. He had accepted his share of the money, but showed no signs of buying anything with it. But it didn’t seem like he was doing it to save up money, either. To buy something was to express a desire. In Flynn’s case, he didn’t have one. 

Business was booming in the citizens’ quarters once again. Previously, there had been obstacles hindering the circulation of goods between the imperial capital and the other cities, but it seemed like they were now gone. The market had regained its former liveliness. The uneasy atmosphere enveloping the imperial capital for months had finally been lifted. No one could say for sure what it had been, or how it had disappeared. 

Anyone could vaguely tell that something big had happened, and then it was over. But that was the only feeling they got. Now that peace and liveliness had returned to their daily lives, there weren’t many people who cared about it. 

There were also strange rumours. That those who had contracted the strange illness but hadn’t died had all recovered. And they had done so without needing panacea bottles or healers. Similar to how it had first appeared, no one knew why. The price of panacea bottles plummeted, and they were even cheaper now than before these series of events had occurred. Of course, they were useless now, and no one wanted them. There were also rumours that some merchants and nobles had suffered great losses and become bankrupt as a result. 

In any case, it had nothing to do with the lower quarter. 

If only Jiri hadn’t been injured. Yuri had thought that countless times, over and over again. Back then, while acting as the ‘Dark Wings’, what exactly was she trying to steal? Why did she fail? If she had been trying to steal a panacea, if only she had succeeded — but Jiri might have been thinking the same way, and since Flynn was keeping silent, he thought his reasoning must be wrong. Besides, either way, Norein was no longer with them. 

Perhaps because they had awakened to the joys of labour during the time they had worked to earn money for the medicine, some of the boys went back to work. Fortunately, the merchants remembered how they had worked so diligently before, and welcomed them back with open arms. This was one of the few positive changes brought about by this whole ruckus. 

The unit of knights that had delivered the monster meat that one time had never been seen in the lower quarter since then. There was also a rumour that none of the knights that had departed from the imperial capital had returned, though it was unclear if this rumour was related to that. 

Yuri thought of the friendly uncle. There was a possibility that he was still somewhere in the vast imperial capital, or that he had returned without passing through Fountain Alley, but for some reason his intuition told him that wasn’t the case. After Norein’s funeral, he became even more aware of it. The uncle was no longer alive. 

The number and frequency of knights visiting the lower quarter had visibly decreased, though their arrogant behaviour hadn’t changed.  

Something had been about to change, but it seemed the opportunity had been lost. Yuri didn’t know what it was, but he couldn’t help but feel a heavy sinking in his chest when he thought about it. 

****

“We’re out of salt.” 

Flynn’s murmur almost sounded like he was talking to himself as he said that, his voice nearly drowned out by the clamour of the other boys. 

That day, Jiri wasn’t in, and the boys in ‘My Home’ had to cook dinner all on their own. But they actually welcomed the occasion, because Flynn was there to cook for them — despite feeling guilty that the smile would never return to his face. 

Compared to before, Jiri’s absences had increased. She would never say so herself, but Yuri suspected that it was because of the injury on her leg. During the day, she acted as if her injury didn’t exist and went about her business as lively as ever, most likely to avoid anyone noticing, but it had to be hard on her. After all was said and done, she was a grandma — though she and everyone often forgot that. 

“You’re right. All the containers are empty. It’s a good thing you noticed before you started cooking.” 

Jareth said, after checking the back of the kitchen shelves. 

“I guess that means we’ll have to go get some from Grandpa Hanks’ house.” 

Flynn looked somewhat surprised at Yuri’s words. 

“Mister Hanks’ house?” 

“That’s the rule.” 

The people of the lower quarter all chipped in money to support the management of ‘My Home’, but Hanks was the person directly in charge. The rough arrangement was that if the children needed anything, they would go to him. The boys didn’t know this, but it was also a measure to ensure that the residents who lived near ‘My Home’ wouldn’t be overly burdened. 

As Flynn made to leave immediately, Yuri called out to him. 

“I’ll come with you, Head Chef.” 

“Yuri? It’s okay, I know the way…”

“But you don’t know where to find anything in Grandpa Hanks’ house, right? Don’t worry and just leave it to me.” 

As he said that, he didn’t give Flynn a chance to argue, and quickly headed for the front door. 

****

The sun had set, and the alleyway Yuri and Flynn were walking down was already empty. Except for the dim, warm glows of light peeking out from windows of nearby houses, everything else was engulfed in shadow and darkness. The cold and crisp light of the barrier rings shining over their heads looked even brighter and more merciless. The season was grey and gloomy, and in the absence of sunlight, the boys couldn’t help but be aware of the cold. This feeling became even more apparent in the night. 

They hadn’t talked since they left ‘My Home’. Occasionally, Yuri would glance at Flynn, but Flynn had lowered his head so his eyes were hidden beneath his golden hair. He didn’t seem to be aware of Yuri at all. 

It had been a spur-of-the-moment decision to follow Flynn. Even before Norein’s death, Flynn had started to speak considerably less, and his expressions had become dull. It was understandable, of course, but as this continued, Yuri started to feel a vague sense of unease. It was as if something he had finally gotten used to was drifting away from him again. 

It wasn’t as if he particularly wanted to talk to Flynn alone, but he was curious to know what Flynn was thinking, and tonight seemed like his only chance to do so. 

But once he was finally alone with Flynn, he had no idea what to talk about. 

He didn’t think Flynn needed any words of consolation, after all this time. Yuri had said it numerous times already, and besides, this place wasn’t appropriate for such things. 

Yuri thought about the shadow in Flynn’s heart. Of course, what lay at the heart of it was his mother’s — Norein’s — death, but even before that, he seemed to be burdened by a lot of other things. There was his strange resentment and fastidious attitude towards the knights, his circumstances that had led to him moving from the ‘other side of the wall’ to the lower quarter, and how he hadn't been able to save up enough money to buy the panacea. Come to think of it, he also seemed to have his own thoughts when it came to the matter of the ‘Dark Wings’. They were all different things, but at the same time, Yuri had the feeling they were all connected somehow. These different things all tangled together and clung to Flynn, and as he dragged these burdens around, each step he took must feel terribly heavy. 

Thinking about the ‘Dark Wings’ reminded Yuri of something unnecessary. Right now, they were headed towards Grandpa Hanks’ house. Which was also Jiri’s house. If Jiri was at home. If Jiri was the only one at home. 

Maybe he could ask her something. 

As his interest was drawn to that direction, Yuri frowned, feeling like he was being dishonest for thinking that. 

In the end, neither of them spoke up and only continued walking until they reached their destination. 

****

“Looks like neither of them are home.”

After knocking on the door for a while and peeking through the windows, Yuri finally said. It was too early for them to be asleep, but he could only see darkness through the windows, and there was no sign that anyone was home. He couldn’t really think of a place where they would be at this hour, but on second thought, since they didn’t visit ‘My Home’, it wouldn’t be strange if they really were busy with something. 

“Then there’s nothing we can do. Let’s go back.” 

Flynn’s voice wasn’t disappointed at all, just indifferent. There was something about that tone of his that Yuri disliked. 

“Don’t panic. Like I said, I’m pretty familiar with their house. …Ah, right here.” 

As he spoke, he went around the side of the entrance and pressed on one of the windows, grinning as he did so. 

“What are you doing?” 

“This window is in a pretty bad shape, so even if it’s locked, if you just push it upwards……there.” 

Just as Yuri said, the window creaked slightly as it slowly opened. Like he thought, Jiri and Hanks had to be out. After all, it was pitch black inside. 

“I know roughly where the salt is. Let’s get it quickly and go back.” 

Flynn’s face changed. It was as if a will had suddenly manifested itself on his face. Like he finally understood what was happening in front of his very eyes. 

“Don’t tell me you’re planning to enter the house without permission?! And to go through the window like a common thief—”

Upon saying that, Flynn realised what he had just said and shut up. Yuri stared at Flynn like that, before suddenly turning around and leaping nimbly through the window like a cat. 

Flynn stared into the square darkness that had swallowed up that black hair, but there was no sound coming from inside. 

“……Yuri?”

Flynn was about to stick his head into the window hesitantly — not out of fear, but modesty — when he heard the sound of the front door unlocking. The door opened, and Yuri was standing there. In his hand was a lit hand lantern he must have found somewhere in the house. 

“Come in. Or are you going to wait outside all day?” 

Speaking in a slightly dismissive tone, Yuri turned and went back into the house without waiting for a reply. Flynn stood rooted to the spot for a brief moment, and then took a deep breath and strode into the house. There was a look of indignation on his face that hadn’t been seen in a while. 

As soon as he entered the house, Flynn couldn’t help but stop to look at the inside of the house, illuminated by the lantern. 

There were too many things. Too many, in fact, that for a moment, he thought he had walked into a warehouse or a storage room. It was by no means a mess, but while it was fairly tidy, the floor and shelves were piled — or crammed — high with all kinds of things. It wasn’t to the extent that there was no empty space to place your feet, but no matter how you looked at it, a normal person didn’t need these many items for their daily life. And on the other hand, they didn’t look like furnishings for ‘My Home’ either. 

“The kitchen is in the back. …What’s wrong?” 

Noticing that Flynn had stopped at the entrance, Yuri said to him. 

“Were you surprised by the state of the room? It’s always been like this.” 

But Flynn simply stood there, lost in thought as he stared at the insides of the dark room. He made no sign of moving. Yuri furrowed his brows. 

“Hey, Flynn. You don’t actually think these are all stolen—”

“No, I don’t… think so. The ‘Dark Wings’ only targets the nobles and the rich, and no matter how you look at it, these are all…” 

“Pieces of junk?” 

Yuri said, as if seeing through Flynn. Hearing that, Flynn made a surprised yet annoyed face.

“I didn’t say that.” 

Etiquette bothered him even at a time like this. What a conscientious guy, Yuri thought. 

But in reality, it was difficult for Flynn to deny the truth in Yuri’s words. Under the dim light of the lantern, they could see a brightly coloured but broken roof tile, a wooden doll with one arm missing, and all kinds of other things that didn’t look like they were worth much. And the room was packed to the brim with such things. Maybe some of them were valuable in the antique sense, but even if they were, they were being treated quite carelessly. 

“It’s Grandma Jiri’s hobby. Surprising, right?” Yuri said. “Whenever she takes an interest in an item, she’d pick it up and bring it back… that’s what Grandpa Hanks used to say with a troubled look on his face. But if the person in question likes and treasures the item, then it’s not our place to question it, he said.” 

Saying that, Yuri went deeper into the house. 

Still standing still, Flynn continued to stare at the mountain of items. In the receding light, they looked even more like an unidentifiable pile of shadows gathered together. Flynn’s eyes were searching, as if he was trying to see further beyond that. What exactly lay beyond the shadows—? 

He shook his head, and went to look for Yuri. 

***

Unlike the previous room, the kitchen wasn’t filled with such unnecessary junk. But the kitchen itself was small, and there were ingredients and tableware all over the place, and it gave off the impression of being even messier than the previous room. 

“I’m pretty sure it was either in here or there.” 

Careful not to knock against the pots and pans of various sizes hanging on the walls, Yuri pointed at several shelves fitted with sliding doors. 

The two of them nodded at each other, and then split up and began searching the shelves nearest to them. The lantern had been placed on the floor between them, and because of that, neither of them had enough light to see clearly. They would take out bottles or small boxes they thought were the correct one and hold it under the light, and upon recognising it was the wrong thing, put them back. Once, Yuri almost spilled the contents of a box — some kind of white powder that he thought was flour or something — onto the floor. 

“I can’t find anything else that looks like salt in here. How about you, Flynn? ……Flynn?”

No reply. He called out to Flynn again, but Flynn didn’t respond. Even though Flynn was in low spirits, it was strange to not get even a reply. 

Suddenly, Yuri noticed something strange. The front of Flynn’s face, which was facing the shelf, was dimly illuminated. Even though the lantern was behind Flynn. 

It was faint, but there was definitely something that was emitting light at the back of the shelf. And the light seemed to have a bluish tint to it. 

With strangely stilted movements, Flynn reached into the back of the shelf and pulled something out. 

Something that shouldn’t have been there had appeared. Yuri had a hunch, but he didn’t close his eyes to the truth of it. 

What Flynn held onto was a small glass vial. The liquid in the vial emitted a faint bluish white light as it sloshed slightly in Flynn’s trembling hand. Flynn’s face had drained of any blood, and it wasn’t because of the lighting. Softly, Yuri heard him murmur,

“…It’s a panacea.”

****

“Wait, Flynn, wait just a moment!” 

Still gripping the vial in his hand, Flynn tried to run out of the house, but Yuri somehow managed to catch him before he reached the front door. Flynn didn’t even look at Yuri as he twisted his body and shook Yuri off. 

The lantern had been left behind in the kitchen. Their only source of light was the dim glow emitting from that small vial. In the darkness, one of them knocked over a wooden box on the floor with their foot. 

“Let go—” 

“What are you doing?!” 

Yuri didn’t answer, and simply clung onto the raging Flynn. 

As for Yuri, his mind was in a state of extreme turmoil. He didn’t understand why the panacea was here, nor did he know how to control the situation. He was only sure of one thing, and that was that he couldn’t let Flynn leave like this. He’s definitely going to do something stupid. And no matter what, I can’t let that happen.

Yuri felt Flynn press down on his head. Flynn was using all of his strength to shove Yuri away. He meant to tear Yuri off himself. Yuri desperately tightened his grip on Flynn to prevent that from happening. But Flynn was strong. Yuri hadn’t gotten into a good position, so it was only a matter of time before Flynn broke free. If that happened, then what should he—

Suddenly the pressure on his head eased. Despite that, Flynn’s body remained tense. Is he going to try something? Yuri was wary, but what followed next was something he didn’t expect. 

“……What do you think you’re doing in someone else’s house?” 

That voice was reproachful, but at the same time, carried a hint of something else. 

****

Once again, light filled the room. The light wasn’t from a blastia but the light of a fire, but unlike the lantern, it was bright enough to fill the entire room with light. 

Though the light was bright enough to illuminate the inside of the room, it seemed unable to reach the hearts of the people in the room. 

In the room, surrounded by countless pieces of junk, were four people. Yuri, Flynn, and the owners of the house, Hanks and Jiri. Flynn was still gripping the vial — the panacea — in his hand. In the brightly-lit room, the light it emitted barely affected its surroundings, except for Flynn’s fingers, which glowed bluish-white. 

Jiri seemed to have grasped the general situation just by looking at the boys. She stood there with her arms crossed, but she didn’t seem angry that they had entered her house without permission. She just stared at them with a grave expression on her face. 

Hanks had a somewhat sad look in his eyes. That, at least, told Yuri that the elderly man was aware of the circumstances. Up until this point, Yuri had unconsciously assumed that Hanks didn’t know Jiri’s secret, so he was quite surprised. But now that he thought about it, it seemed only natural. After all, the two of them were husband and wife. Yuri was incredibly curious as to how that Hanks had reacted when he found out his wife was that world’s greatest and most notorious — albeit chivalrous — thief, but now wasn’t the time to be thinking about that. 

“So? How long are you going to stay like that?” 

It was Jiri who broke the silence. She was her usual self, with her unwavering, ready-to-accept-anything attitude. There were so many things Yuri wanted to ask her, but he kept his mouth closed. Because Jiri’s words weren’t directed at him. They were directed at one person alone, and that person was Flynn. Of course. The one holding onto the vial was Flynn. In every sense, the one at the centre of it all was Flynn. Yuri knew that. 

But Flynn didn’t speak, and only looked at Jiri with a burning gaze in his eyes. Was it Jiri he was trying to reduce to ashes with his gaze, or he himself?

Nevertheless, eventually he slowly raised his arm, and as if thrusting the evidence at her, held up the glowing blue-white object and spoke. 

“…Why is this here?” 

When you really looked at it, everything boiled down to that single question. Yuri braced himself, wondering what kind of answer Flynn would get. But Jiri remained unfazed, and only gave a slight shrug. 

“Why? Because I stole it, of course. Isn’t that obvious? Do you need me to say it out loud for you to understand?” 

Jiri said as if chastising Flynn for forcing her to say it. 

I stole it. The answer was within his expectations, but hearing it clearly from the person’s mouth had a whole other level of truth and weight to it. The ‘Dark Wings’. As expected, it was like that. 

Yuri didn’t need to hear her confession to know that there was an exceedingly low chance that she had bought it. It was an expensive medicine to begin with. Even though the prices had plummeted, the fact remained that the panacea wasn’t something residents from the lower quarter could buy freely. 

“Then why!? Why did my mother die!?” 

A scream that made the walls tremble rang out. 

If it was impossible for Jiri to buy it at any point in time. If it was impossible for Jiri to have stolen it after she injured her leg. That means she could have only obtained it before she had gotten hurt. At a time when Norein was still alive. At a time when she still could have been saved. 

But Norein lay dead under the ground, and the medicine was here. 

The turmoil that had arisen inside of Flynn became too violent to contain — so much so that he felt like his heart and body would fall apart if he didn’t let it out in the form of a cry. 

Yuri understood Flynn’s doubt. What was the connection between the medicine and Norein’s death? Despite not sharing the same parent-child relationship, he was also curious. Especially since Jiri was involved. 

But there was one crucial difference between Yuri and Flynn. Based on the clues they were given, both of them instantly thought of the possible causes and considered the chances of them happening — but their criteria for choosing was different. 

Even without knowing the right answer, Yuri had enough reason to dismiss the doubt that arose in his heart. Maybe Flynn had enough reason, too. But the amount they had was different. Amount, and weight. As that realisation dawned on Yuri, he felt his heart rate shoot up. 

To Yuri, the possibility wasn’t even worth considering. But to Flynn—

Jiri opened her mouth to say something. But in Yuri’s eyes, her movements seemed oddly slow. 

Grandma, Yuri screamed from within his heart. Whatever it is you want to say, please, hurry up and say it.

But as if to cut her off, Flynn’s emotions exploded, as if he was unable to hold it in anymore.

“You all…” 

Stop. Yuri tried to say. Don’t say anything further. But unlike his thoughts, his body could only respond slowly in this stretched-out moment in time. From Flynn’s eyes, droplets of light — tears? — scattered into the air. 

“You all left my mother to die!” 

Something inside of Yuri snapped. 

****

The next thing he knew, his fist had hit Flynn squarely on the cheek. 

There was a dull sound of impact, and the head of golden hair spun, followed a moment later by its owner’s body. Caught completely off guard, Flynn spun around like he was doing a strange dance, and plunged headfirst into the mountain of junk beside him. The panacea flew from his hand, leaving a glowing trail as it soared through the air, landing and rolling across the floor. 

Yuri leapt at him. He crawled on top of Flynn and punched him again. He could hear Jiri and Hanks yelling, but their voices meant nothing to him. 

He tried to hit Flynn again, but Flynn, who was lying on his back, lashed out a kick. The kick hit Yuri squarely and sent him flying backwards. Flynn got up, and this time he was the one to go on the offensive. As Yuri sat up, Flynn’s fist struck his face. But Yuri bent backwards, and also launched a kick in return. 

As they punched and kicked each other, they both screamed wordlessly. Screams that were neither angry nor sad. Screams that spat out the feelings that couldn’t be put into words. 

The two of them screamed at the same time, and leapt at each other. 

“Stop it!”

Suddenly, a large hand grabbed the boys and, with incredible force, hurled them — in opposite directions. 

The two of them tumbled onto the floor and sat up. In front of their eyes, Jiri stood there imposingly like a wall in between them, her palms thrust outwards towards the boys as if to hold them down. 

Finally remembering that they weren’t the only people in the room, the boys came to their senses. 

The two of them stared past Jiri at each other, breathing heavily. 

Both of them looked terrible. Their hair and clothes were in a dishevelled mess, their lips were cut and bleeding, and their bodies were covered from head to toe in bruises, dust and sweat. Because of their brief scuffle, the room looked like a chaotic force had been set loose and gone on a rampage, and it was in a way, fitting. 

It was at that moment that Yuri realised he was crying. The moment he was aware of it, he also understood the truth behind why he had acted so impulsively. 

Why was the medicine here? It could be that she had missed the timing to sell it off at a high price, or she was saving it to use for herself if she ever contracted the illness. There were a thousand possibilities he could think of. But —

None of them were possible. 

There was just no way. Jiri would never do something like that. Just thinking about the possibility — and doubting her — was enough to make him feel sick, like something was being tainted. 

That was why. 

He was sad. That Jiri and Hanks were being doubted. That Flynn doubted them. Even if Flynn had lost his sense of reason because of the grief of losing his mother, Yuri didn’t want to hear those words come out from his mouth. 

He was sad. That Flynn had said those words. 

That’s why he got angry, and hit Flynn — I thought you became one of us. Didn’t you? 

Flynn stared at the crying Yuri. 

The two of them were still, as if waiting for something to happen. It was as if they had let out everything they had along with their screams. Sensing this, Jiri lowered her arms. The danger of a fight breaking out had passed. 

“Are you two satisfied? Sheesh, I understand how you feel, but at least listen to what I have to say first, Flynn. You too, Yuri. I didn’t know you were that short tempered.” 

I mean, I feel the same way too. As Yuri thought that, he felt a little annoyed. In the first place, he’d only gotten angry on behalf of Jiri and Hanks. 

Whether or not she knew what Yuri was thinking, Jiri pulled out a small chair from the mountain of junk and — probably because her leg was still hurting — sat down on it. The chair looked like it could fall apart at any moment, but somehow managed to withstand her weight. 

“Now then, where should we start, Jiri?” 

Hanks, who had been maintaining his silence up to that point, spoke up. Just by saying that, the tension in the room eased somewhat. 

“Well…”

Jiri looked up at the ceiling, and then into each of the boys’ eyes. Then, in a somewhat worn-out voice — a voice fitting that of an old woman — she began to speak. 

****

Jiri was — like the friendly knight once said — the current era’s ‘Dark Wings’. It all began a long time ago, way before Yuri and Flynn were born. Back then, the lower quarter was just as, or even poorer than it was now. There was always something in short supply, and it was never enough. 

One day, a famine struck the lower quarter for the umpteenth time. The fields were barren, and what meagre reserves they had were quickly depleted. The government authorities didn’t concern themselves with the lower quarter, and any petitions to the ‘other side of the wall’ were coldly turned away. But when she saw how the citizens’ quarter was overflowing with food while the people in the lower quarter starved right in front of her eyes, she gave up on getting help the honest way, and decided to dirty her hands and turn to stealing. 

“I’m not trying to make excuses. It’s just that, this was the answer I came up with.” 

When she was young, she had experienced a lot of rough situations — and that was when she’d acquired the blastia that could project illusions — and that came in handy now. She’d only started calling herself the ‘Dark Wings’ later, simply to add prestige to the name and to confuse the knights. 

Needless to say, she was aware that stealing was a crime, and she had no intention of actively doing it and being dependent on it. 

“After all, a crime is a crime. It’s not something to be proud of. And if everyone started to become dependent on a thief, it’d all be for nothing. It may sound strange to you, but that’s where I draw the line. That’s why even though I know a ton of methods for distraction, generally the ‘Dark Wings’ only takes action in situations when there’s no other option left.” 

When there’s no other option left. For example, when a life was at stake. 

Jiri nodded deeply and slowly at the question in the boys’ eyes. 

“Yes. That’s why, on that day, I stole the panacea.” 

She had finally gotten to the heart of the matter. The boys held their breath. 

“The truth is, when I heard you guys were working to earn the money on your own, I was hoping things would work out smoothly. But as you know, thanks to some idiot fanning the flames, the prices skyrocketed. At the rate you were going, there was a possibility you all wouldn’t be able to make it in time. I felt bad, but I couldn’t say anything either.” 

“Then you really did get hurt because you were trying to save Teacher Norein.”

Yuri said, feeling somewhat relieved. Jiri let out a small sigh. 

“I didn’t want to get hurt, though. But I’m sure this isn’t enough to satisfy you.”

Jiri said to Flynn, who had remained silent. She hadn’t gotten to the most important part yet. Naturally, Flynn had a look of confusion on his face, as if he couldn’t decide on what kind of attitude to take towards all this. Even so, he didn’t say anything, and waited patiently for her to continue. 

“I stole the medicine for Norein. So of course, the next thing I should do is give the medicine to her. Which is what I did.” 

“Don’t tell me…”

For the first time, Flynn spoke up. Hanks lowered his head, and Jiri looked at Flynn with sorrow and sympathy in her eyes. 

“Norein didn’t drink it. …Or should I say, she couldn’t drink it.” 

****

When the panacea was offered to her, indeed, Norein’s eyes had lit up. Aah, with this I can be saved. But as she reached for the faintly glowing vial, all of a sudden she changed her mind and pulled back her hand. 

Norein knew that panacea bottles were extremely expensive. Which was why she realised that the medicine in front of her eyes wasn’t supposed to exist. 

Although she expressed her sincerest gratitude to Jiri for going to such great lengths to get her the medicine, Norein refused to take the vial. 

“The person I loved devoted his whole life to justice, and I have lived together with him. If I were to accept this medicine, it would go against his beliefs, as well as my memories of him.”

Norein’s voice was weak, but even so, she spoke firmly. Seeing the determination in Norein’s eyes, Jiri silently withdrew her hand holding the vial. 

“I didn’t consider your feelings and did something unnecessary. Forgive me.” 

Norein smiled and shook her head slightly. 

It was shortly thereafter that she drew her last breath. 

****

“She really was an incredible person. She chose to protect what she believed in over her own life. That’s not something the average person could do.” 

As if remembering that moment, Jiri closed her eyes and said. Yuri was speechless. 

“She was incredible. Your mother really was an incredible person.” 

“But — But if that was the case, that means Mother… Why would she do that to me……?”

Flynn murmured. His fists, which were clenched, were shaking. His mother’s life could have been saved. But be it for her beliefs or whatever it was, she had chosen to abandon her life. And, in doing so, she had also abandoned her son. 

“It seems you didn’t notice this.” 

Hanks, who had disappeared at some point, returned from the kitchen. He was holding an envelope in his hand. 

“Norein told me to give it to you along with the whole story someday. I think it’s best we give it to you now.” 

Hanks held out the envelope, and Flynn took it. Sealed inside was a letter, addressed to Flynn in extremely familiar handwriting. He could have taken it home with him, but instead he opened it. 

“This is… Mother’s… letter?” 

The letter wasn’t long, but its contents were unmistakably filled with the love of a mother to her son. The letter, like Jiri said, told of how she chose to die for the sake of her beliefs, and apologised for leaving her son behind because of that. 

‘You may not be able to understand the choice he made, or the choice I made, right now. I’m sorry for not being able to stay by your side until you did. Even so, I still hope that you will understand one day.’

He felt like he understood, even if he didn’t want to. No matter the reason, it wasn’t worth losing his mother, 

‘But I’m not too worried that I’ll be leaving you alone. After all, you still have a lot of family left. It was only for a short time, but they welcomed and accepted me as part of their big family. With them around, I can leave you in peace. They will definitely do their best to help you. Just as I believe in them, please, believe in them too. Remember that I will always love you. —Your mother, Norein Scifo.’

Even after reading it, Flynn was unable to move, and he stood there, clutching the letter tightly in his hand. The feeling that he had been left behind by his mother, the feeling that she had truly loved him despite doing so, the desire to understand her, and the reluctance to do so all collided and mixed together, and raged inside his heart like a storm. 

Droplets of water fell onto the letter and stained the paper, and Flynn realised he had been crying. 

He suddenly looked up and saw that Hanks and Jiri were staring at him. Their eyes were filled with sadness, sympathy, as well as affection. The words in the letter crossed his mind once more. 

‘Just as I believe in them, please, believe in them too.’ 

He couldn’t fully accept his mother’s choice, but even so, the realisation of what he had done finally sank in. At the very least, they had been trying to save his mother. But what had he said to them?

“What… What have I done…?”

Flynn spoke while trembling, his throat choked with tears. 

“Don’t worry about it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did it out of your love for your mother.” 

Hanks’ voice was calm and gentle.

“But still……I’m sorry.”

“Well, I guess you can help clean up this room later.” 

Jiri spoke wearily as she looked around the room. 

At that moment, they all heard the sound of a door closing. When Flynn looked around, he saw that Yuri was gone. 

“Yuri?” 

There was no reply to Flynn’s question. As Jiri stared at the door, she had a similar look on her face as when she had looked at Flynn, but it was slightly different. To the Flynn who couldn’t hide his confusion, Jiri slowly and heavily spoke. 

“……You may already know this, but that child never knew his mother or father. He’s usually level-headed, but after looking at you, he must have felt conflicted.” 

Those words penetrated deep into Flynn’s heart, slamming into him and shaking him from the inside out. The impact stirred up all of the feelings that had accumulated deep within him, and they all flowed through his mind. He thought about the various events that had occurred ever since he first arrived in the lower quarter. About his mother, about Jiri and the others, about the medicine, and about Yuri. 

The injuries he’d gained from their fight suddenly started to hurt. 

Flynn’s lips tightened.

“—I’ll go after him.” 

“Please do. Despite how he acts, that child tends to get lonely. …Don’t tell him I said that.” 

As Flynn walked to the door, he suddenly stopped. Hesitantly, he turned and looked back at the two of them. 

“……Aunt Jiri?”

“What is it?” 

“……Is it okay for me to continue staying here?” 

“What a stupid thing to say, this kid. Of course you can.” 

Flynn nodded, but this time Hanks called out to stop him. 

“Take this. I’m sure you two haven’t had a proper dinner yet.” 

“Thank you — Then, I’ll be off.” 

Flynn accepted the large loaf of bread, and, holding it in his hand, dashed out into the lower quarter streets in the night. 

****

The first place he went to was ‘My Home’. But Yuri was nowhere to be seen, and Flynn left soon after. Jareth and the others had been eagerly awaiting their dinner, but when they saw that Flynn was covered in injuries, they couldn’t say anything and only sent him off. 

It was difficult searching for Yuri. After all, visibility was poor at night. There weren’t many people walking around outside, and it was almost impossible to ask any questions. 

Flynn didn’t give up. After searching every nook and cranny in Fountain Alley and coming up empty, he finally turned his attention to the castle walls. He wondered if that was going too far, but it seemed more likely than finding Yuri in the Grey Alleyways. 

He climbed up the hill, slipped through the unguarded castle gates, and entered the citizens’ quarter. He walked through the marketplace, which was so quiet the bustling activities during the day felt like a lie, searching around for a glimpse of a black-haired figure. Once or twice, he almost ran into the knights on patrol, but managed to evade them safely. 

The people walking on the streets were now gone. Flynn searched up and down the deserted streets. Yuri wasn’t there. Maybe in the back alleys? Not there, either. Before he knew it, it was already late at night. Should he return to the lower quarter? Or should he search in the districts further away? Just as he was starting to doubt he was even searching in the right place — to the point where he was almost convinced he should go somewhere else —, his eyes caught sight of that familiar figure. In the darkness of the night, that hair of his shone exceptionally darkly — there he was. 

Yuri sat on top of the castle walls, overlooking the lower quarter on the outskirts of the city. He liked this place because of its vantage point — right now, apart from the small, scattered dots of light coming from the lower quarter, the land was submerged in darkness all the way until the distant horizon. 

Yuri was looking at the dark horizon that held up the stars without the slightest hint of sleepiness in his eyes, but at the sound of approaching footsteps he closed his eyes. He knew who those footsteps belonged to even without turning around. 

“So it’s become the other way around now.” 

Flynn sat down silently next to him. For a while, he turned his attention towards the shadowy silhouettes of the mountain ridges in the distance. 

“Hey.” 

“Um…”

The two of them opened their mouths almost simultaneously, and closed their mouths simultaneously as well. Another moment of silence passed. 

“You were surprised by what Grandma Jiri did, huh.” 

Yuri eventually said briefly. Still facing the front, Flynn nodded. 

“Yeah.” 

Silence again. 

Yuri didn’t search for the right words to say this time. He didn’t think he’d find them even if he tried. When he saw Flynn cry while reading Norein’s letter, he was seized by an emotion he couldn’t express. Filled with an indescribable feeling of wanting to run away, he couldn’t take it any longer and left. 

He never knew his mother. He never knew his father, either. That was why no matter how hard he tried to imagine it, he wasn’t sure if he could say he truly knew and understood Flynn’s pain and suffering. 

Was he really that different from Flynn? That, he didn’t know, either. 

There were so many things he didn’t know. And that was why Yuri kept quiet. 

For once, it was Flynn who started the conversation. 

“I apologised to Mister Hanks and Aunt Jiri.” 

“I see.” 

He didn’t need to hear the result. As long as you apologised sincerely, those two would forgive anything, no matter what. 

“You too, Yuri…… I apologise.”

“Me? For what?” 

“I was so focused on myself I ended up hurting you…… I’m sorry.” 

“If you’re talking about this, aren’t we in the same boat? Look in a mirror. You look pretty terrible.” 

Yuri said as he pointed at his own face. Even under the faint light of the barrier rings in the dark, it was clear that the swelling and bruises were only getting worse and worse. 

“You also……no, never mind. I was talking about Aunt Jiri and Mister Hanks. And how you got angry on their behalf.” 

Feeling uncomfortable again, Yuri shifted in his seat. It had been an intense anger that even he couldn’t understand. And the feeling of his chest tightening when he saw Flynn crying over his mother’s letter. What was that? Instead of answering, Yuri decided to ask a question he had always been curious about, but had never asked anyone before. 

“……Hey, what is it like to have parents?” 

“Huh?” 

“The only thing I know about my parents is that my mother had long black hair just like me.” 

That’s why, I don’t know what it feels like to lose a blood relative. I don’t know if I really understand your pain. 

Flynn mulled over the question. 

Not having a family. Never having a family to begin with. To Flynn, those seemed to be matters beyond comprehension. He understood the pain of losing your family. He had experienced it. But how could he explain what family was, or what it was like to have one? It was such a given for him that he hadn’t really thought about it before. 

Happy memories, sad memories. 

Flynn tried to distinguish between the feelings that flowed beneath the underlying currents of his many memories so he could pick them up and put them into words. But his feelings were so diverse that when he tried to gather them together, they became words as numerous and varied as his memories. Unable to express them in a single word, Flynn decided to say all of them as they were. 

“My parents… are people who support me, and teach me… they’re big, warm, sometimes strict, but gentle… and, we’re always connected to each other.”  

Having said that much, Flynn was reminded of the anger Yuri had displayed earlier. That was the anger of someone who had witnessed the people precious to them be insulted. Flynn, too, had gotten angry on behalf of his mother—

Carefully, Flynn continued speaking. 

“That’s why… I think Mister Hanks and Aunt Jiri are like that to you.”

Of course, you aren’t related by blood. But I hope it can be that way. Flynn said, half-wishing for it to be true. Because from now on, he would be the same way too. ‘Just as I believe in them, please, believe in them too.’—

But hearing those words from Flynn, who knew what it was like to have parents, made Yuri feel like a weight had been lifted off of his chest. He felt like he had been given the answer — or at least a key to it — to a question he hadn’t known the answer to. A calm feeling filled his heart, and his next words flowed softly from his mouth. 

“I see. I hope so too.” 

“Yuri……”

Even now, Flynn was shocked by the fact that Yuri had been kept from experiencing all of the things he had been enjoying and taking for granted. Even though he had lost them now, Flynn realised just how blessed he had been. I still have my memories of them left. Yuri doesn’t even have that. 

Despite that, Yuri still lived his life. The pain of the loss was still fresh in Flynn’s mind, but thinking of the loneliness Yuri must have endured all these years, he bit his lip. 

Just as Yuri could only imagine Flynn’s pain, Flynn could only imagine Yuri’s pain too. Even so, the two of them found comfort in the other’s desire to understand each other. 

Suddenly, his gaze fell upon Yuri’s head. Yuri had black hair, just like his mother’s. Maybe the reason why he didn’t cut his hair, and was growing it out was because—

Underneath the midnight sky, the two of them continued to exchange words here and there between bouts of silence. They didn’t talk about anything important. There was enough meaning in just sharing the moment together. 

The interval between their conversations grew longer and longer, until eventually, both of them fell asleep. The night air was cold, and their injuries hurt, but the two childrens’ sleeping faces were peaceful. 

****

They forgot who woke up first, but in any case, as soon as one of them woke up, they shivered, feeling cold all over, and shook the other person awake. 

“I didn’t think we’d be spending the night here.” 

Yuri said as he stretched his stiff body. He was surprised he didn’t catch a cold. Then again, toughness was somewhat of a trademark for those who grew up in the lower quarter. 

Above the horizon, the sky was already bathed in the colour of dawn, and the atmosphere was filled with the premonition of a silent explosion. The boys watched in silence as the world, stretching to the distant horizon, gradually rose and emerged from the shadows. 

In the distance, they felt the reverberations of the clamour coming from behind them. The early morning businesses were up and about. The earliest people to rise in the imperial capital had begun their daily activities. 

The clouds drifting in the distance grew brighter and brighter, until finally, a golden glow appeared on the horizon. Under the intense light of the sun, the world, which had been growing brighter and brighter, suddenly changed and grew shadowy silhouettes. And yet, unlike the night, there was an endless depth to these shadows — the depth of the world. 

“I’d like to go all the way to the end, there, someday.” 

“If you really wanted to, I’m sure you can.” 

As Flynn responded to Yuri’s casual murmur, suddenly, their stomachs growled loudly. The two of them looked at each other. Come to think of it, in the end they ended up skipping dinner. 

Flynn remembered the bread Hanks had given him. He took it out of his pocket and split it in two. The bread was a little hard, but it didn’t matter to the hungry pair — although they winced a little due to the injuries inside their swollen mouths. 

“Jareth and the others must be pretty hungry by now.”

Yuri said, his cheeks stuffed with bread. 

Flynn, who had completely forgotten about that, widened his eyes, and bread burst out from his mouth. He coughed and — for the first time in a while — laughed. 

Seeing the comical state Flynn was in, Yuri also started laughing. The two of them laughed. Without any reservations or any shadows hanging over them, they laughed together. 

The morning air was endlessly clear and refreshing. 

(To be continued in the second volume.)

Prev | Index | Next

[juchily]

songs I want to see in yj s3 (complete unreality this will never happen)

"Outsiders" by Franz Ferdinand I'm thinking a scene with adult Lottie in the asylum with this song playing and my thoughts stop there

"Shake it Out" by Florence + The Machine I'm thinking '96 timeline in the summer scene, just like a happy summer scene. Or; alternatively, it's a horrible mass self gaslight where they ignore everything that's happened and everything they've done (Javi... Jackie... Laura... Doomscoming and Travis), so a more ironic usage of the song

"Hemorrhage (In My Hands)" by Fuel Really this one, "Shimmer", or "Falls On Me" are really Yellowjackets coded so, no other thoughts

"Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath It's perfectly slow and eerie, this is literally yellowjackets, this song is literally so yellowjackets I can't even. This is the song that they'd put during the finale or a really heavy or edge of your seat moment. "Figure in black which points at me Turn around quick, and start to run Find out I'm the chosen one" "Big black shape with eyes of fire Telling people their desire"

"Fallen Leaves" by Billy Talent FALLEN LEAVES, if you've seen my other Yellowjackets and song lyrics post, you know This song is literally about troubled kids from a troubled place

"You Know You're Right" By Nirvana This song is obscure, like that damned sapphic soccer team

"The Lovecats" by The Cure, this song is not about cats, look it up, tw if you're sensitive to suicide mentions, but the lyrics aren't inherent, you have to look it up to know what it was really written about it's giving... we're doing insane shit together that will haunt the narrative 🥰

"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA, like I said before with Fallen Leaves, if ykyk This song is about things changing with time, and I think really encapsulates some themes in YJ

"Cult of Personality" by Living Colour

"Man Who Sold The World" by David Bowie or covered by Nirvana

"Since I Told You it Was Over" by Stereophonics "But you were on your track, it was me turning back, I left you freezing outside" WHAT JACKIESHAUNA "You've seen a cross, it's a cross I bear You're drinking, hard up, living without a hope or a care You're making do to please, see what makes you smile You're not around for long, you gotta see what's gonna move your life right along" ADULT TAIVAN, VAN???? n vibes "My head is filled with lies I told" 🙂🙌😧

"The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe "We tried to wash our hands of all of this We never talk of our lacking relationships And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbin', with our heads on the floor We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say" Shall I say more?

Metallica

VIBES:

"Barracuda" by Heart, what can I say, this is something they'd be singing in the locker rooms

"Spiderwebs" by No Doubt ☝️

"Run Through the Jungle" by Credence Clearwater Revival Just listen to the song, it's so yellowjackets babes I promise 🙏

"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd or performed by David Gilmour What can I say? We like a good song about reminiscing on past decisions and situations 🙂

"Hunger Strike" by Temple of the Dog

TOSS UPS/AMV AND EDIT SONGS FOR YOU BABES:

"Eat Your Young" by Hozier This is a toss up for me, honestly, maybe it should stay in the edits and amvs 🤷

Greta Van Fleet, something from those guys I KNOW YOU HEAR ME

i need to see a ship edit or AMV to "Will You" by P.O.D. or I think I will combust into a million small lesbian flag coloured confetti that will pollute the local waterways and spread doomed yuri in a bad way because I WANT THIS

The Smith's "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now", it tickles my brain

"Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)" by Florence + The Machine Obv, mainly for Jackie thou

Here's the link or you can find it up top at the beggining! On my Spotify you can find another Yellowjackets playlist based off of my first Lyrics post

@rougeclasslover here's the playlist I was talking about carp of the Misty Nation❤️

[poisoned-sugar11]

Responding to meme. Again.

Listen. I have friends who have told me about the callout out of concern for my fucking safety. I did not ask them to. I just happen to have good friends.

You aren't a minors dni blog. I've also never told you that I'm an adult. We're talking about proof here? Okay. Cool. Show me when I said that.

Bringing up suicide to persuade me to not leave is guilt tripping. It doesn't have to be a lie to be guilt tripping. In fact, I had no fucking clue you were suicidal with the messages you used to contact me through. You're the one bringing this up again to make me look bad.

You're using your identity as a fucking shield because you've known what you've done. You're a groomer. Thanks for confirming that's what it was, by the way. I was still hesitant to call it that.

Like it or not, being a minority does not absolve you of blame. Honestly, if your only defense is "Uh I'm gay so i didn't do it" that's a really shitty defense. Especially considering I am also queer? Make it make sense.

Here's every dm conversation we've ever had, by the way. In case you want to keep denying shit. I was told to do this by a friend a while ago in case this happened and I'm glad that I did.

Onto the death threats.

Yes, those did happen. I was not the one who wanted to kill you, though.

Note: Yuri is the alter who was fronting at the time here. We use bots on Discord to make it clear whose fronting. "Yaoi Beletskaya" is "me." She uses she/he pronouns if you want to start shit talking him as an individual, I guess.

Oh, and you want me to prove we didn't doxx you? You want me to prove a negative? That's a ridiculous ask. I can't do that. I didn't doxx you, though. One of my friends has offered to take the downfall even though they didn't do that either. Do with that information what you will.

You say I'm ableist and blame your bipolar for what you did to me, but when I bring up my bpd, I'm just making excuses? I've given you explanations for my "bad communication skills." You're a hypocrite.

"Rules for me but not for thee" as if that doesn't also apply to you.

You talk about ableism and then make fun of me for being "chronically online." Yeah, I'm a chronically ill teenager without many opportunities to leave my house. What exactly do you expect?

"Get help" also comes across as extremely ableist, by the way. Not that it's any of your business, but I have been seeking medical treatment for my mental illnesses. I'm actually actively keeping a journal to show a psychiatrist! I'm sure you'll be thrilled to know this since you're totally just concerned for my well-being, right?

[stargazer-sims]

The Shirt

Caroline: Hey, Yuri! I finished cleaning my bathroom, like you asked me to.

Yuri: Thank you. Well done.

Caroline: I'm going outside now. I'm gonna see if Victor needs any help raking leaves.

Yuri: All right. That sounds like a good... Wait a moment.

Caroline: What?

Yuri: I don't recognize that shirt you've got on. Victor doesn't have one like that, and it's certainly not mine. Where did it come from?

Caroline: From Forest. It's his.

Yuri: Caroline, I don't think I like the idea of you wearing Forest's things.

Caroline: Why not? Like, you're literally wearing Victor's sweater right now.

Yuri: That's different.

Caroline: How is it different?

Yuri: Because it is. Forest is a boy.

Caroline: *laughing* Victor is a boy, too. Try again.

Yuri: Well... I'm married to Victor.

Caroline: So, let’s think about this. You have to be married to people to wear their clothes? Are you saying you never, ever wore anything of Victor's before you married him? Even when you lived together for like, two years or something before you got married?

Yuri: No, that's not what I meant. Of course I wore his things before we got married. It's simply that we were adults, and—

Caroline: So, only adults can do it?

Yuri: *exasperated* No.

Caroline: Okay. So, why do you wear Victor's stuff?

Yuri: Because it's comfortable and comforting, and I like it.

Caroline: Can't I wear something that's comfortable and comforting to me? Forest is my friend, and we like having things that remind us of each other. Like, I lent him my blue hat and he wears it all the time, and his parents don't have a problem with it.

Yuri: That's where your hat went. Victor said he thought you lost it. And I’m still not convinced it’s a good idea for you and Forest to wear each other’s things.

Caroline: Why not? You need to give me a good reason.

Yuri: Because… if people see you doing that, they might think you’re in a relationship.

Caroline: And that’s bad because…?

Yuri: It’s not bad, but I’m concerned you’re not ready for that sort of commitment.

Caroline: Yuri! It’s just a shirt. It’s not like he gave me a ring and asked me to marry him. He’s not even my boyfriend. Not officially, anyway.

Yuri: What do you mean, ‘not officially’?

Caroline: We know Forest doesn’t have permission to date, but when he does, we don’t want to date anyone but each other.

Yuri: You and Forest have already talked about it?

Caroline: Yeah.

Yuri: This is a… development.

Caroline: What’s that supposed to mean?

Yuri: You know Victor and I will have to discuss this, and we’ll have to speak to Forest’s parents as well.

Caroline: It’s just a shirt!

Yuri: Today, it’s a shirt. We love you and we want to make sure that when you move beyond sharing clothes, you’ll understand what’s appropriate and you’ll be safe. Do you understand?

Caroline: Yes, but…

Yuri: But what?

Caroline: Can I still wear the shirt?

[bravewolfvesperia]

planned starter | @mistralxsoul

Given that Yuri was nagged at enough for going into town in the first place, the least he could do was minimize the nagging by bringing Flynn with him. Surely going out sometimes wasn't a big deal anyway, was it? Yuri always made sure to dress in civilian clothing to go out, and by now some people already knew who he was. Plus, Jiri knew he went out and didn't stop him. Gave him warnings, sure, but didn't stop him. As far as Yuri was concerned, Jiri's lack of stopping him was all the consent needed. If he was weighing his caretaker's advice over the council's, it was not the latter's he was taking.

So he sought Flynn out, eventually finding him managing the training weapons that he usually used to train others and Yuri himself. Bringing Flynn wasn't all that bad anyway. Flynn came from one of the areas of the commoners (or was it two...? It was two, right? He'd moved once), so for him, it was really just visiting home. Jiri came from the poor end of town and he'd heard stories from her, but it just made him want to visit even more. To be around what the other nobles kept trying to keep him away from. Being around other teens who didn't care about his status and in some cases didn't even know of it was preferable to being overly pampered anyway.

"I'm gonna go into town." Yuri said plainly as he approached Flynn, arms folded innocently behind his back. Sometimes he was accused of going out to cause trouble, but it was actually the reverse: he caused trouble for the other nobles, but he did what he could to make the lives of the commoners better. People down there liked him for the most part, and for all the warnings the adults gave him, he never treated those citizens as lesser than himself, and so didn't face backlash other nobility usually would. Those warnings were better heeded to themselves.

Sometimes Yuri could get away with Flynn just being a friend of his, but he was certain people knew he had a lofty status regardless. There were times Flynn was urged to, or wanted to, bring a weapon in case anything did happen. It was mostly clear enough that Flynn was a guard as well a friend, and it was hard to use the friend excuse while trying to get by as another commoner while visiting. "Do you wanna change? To blend in better?" He could ask any knight in the castle, really, but Flynn was his preference and technically his personal guard. "I'll wait if you want to, or we can just go."

Coming from Yuri, it wasn't even a demand. It wasn't an order. It was just, plain and simple, Yuri saying he was going out and knowing Flynn would follow, or ask after him when he couldn't find him later and end up following him anyway. If Flynn really truly and honestly did not want to go, Yuri never forced him. Yuri liked wandering the town though and seeing what foods and goods were there, or making sure the people were content. Having Flynn there and not some stuffy, constantly-reminding-him-of-his-status knight just allowed his time there to be genuinely fun. He could be unfiltered and not have to think about where he was. Getting Flynn to have fun was a bonus.

[hereforthefunnyguys]

Break down Anzu please 🥺🙏

O 1. How do I feel about this character?

Will not lie to you at first I didn't see all that special about her but still thought she was a fun addition to the friend group. Then I got on the Internet (bad idea wouldn't recommend it) and saw how much hate she got and was like Oh I See. It's my job to defend her forever since apparently nobody else will. Send my ass off to war for her.

I do really appreciate her and I wish people would take a minute to examine her character more (which, to be fair, they removed a lot of for the manga). Like. I especially relate to the way that she both obviously has so much ambition for the future and looks forward to her career as a dancer, but is still scared and sad about having to let go of the friends she's made over the years.

Also people make fun of her for being too wishy washy and "vulnerable" but the fact of the matter is that she's not prone to discussing her emotions with anyone else in the series at all. Like. The only reason people see her as emotional is because we're given a viewpoint into her thoughts. Jonouchi is more openly emotional than her. Honda is more emotional. People should try and learn how to actually read into her character instead of just assigning her the Generic Shonen Girl Personality and calling it a day.

2. All the people I ship romantically with this character:

There is a horrid dearth of proper yuri in yugioh, but! I like pairing her up with Mana (unrealistic and they are separated by 3000 years but! She will Fuck That Mummy (i just got a really really good idea for an au guys trust me)) just because I think they make an interesting hypothetical dynamic - honestly, I'd go the full mile of calling them kind of narrative foils, what with Anzu's responsibility vs. Mana's silliness, Mana being tutored by a mentor vs. Anzu being mostly self-taught and self-propelled, Mana not having much ambition for most of the Millennium World arc despite her position of power and privilege vs. Anzu scraping up from the bottom specifically because she has such an intense vision of what she wants her life to be. Really good potential there. Anyways continuing on

I think her and Miho seem cute but i gonna be real with you i have. Not seen a ton of season zero so I have no real frame of reference for what they'd be like. And manga miho seems a little quiet for anzus personality tbh she needs someone she can argue with lmao

On the het side I like her with Atem but not honestly much of anyone else. I thought her and him had a very sweet dynamic in the manga and I would have liked to see more of his thoughts about her since he seemed to enjoy her company, he just. Is not good at talking to people in general. Don't hit me with that "ackshually atem hates Anzu 🤓" Shit. They are friends. They like each other.

Also I hc that she was crushing on mai kujaku but i don't think she would've been happy if it was a serious relationship. It's just like. One of those crushes teenagers get on attractive adults that show them genuine respect for the first time ever you know?

3. My non-romantic OTP for this character is:

Her and Jonouchi are so funnyyyyyyy lmao. "JOSEPH WHEELER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" alright they seem like the perfect mix of stupid and stubborn that im sure can lead to them getting into all kind of dumb shit. Where's my au where they both get lost in the woods because Anzu said she knew where she was going and Jonouchi was too proud to check the map. Silly

4. My unpopular opinion about this character:

SHE! IS! NOT! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!! (rips shirt off and screams in rage) AND NO BEING YUGIS LOVE INTEREST IS NOT HER ONLY JOB IN THE STORY!!! SHE HAS A PERSONALITY BEYOND ANOTHER BOY'S CRUSH ON HER THAT SHE MAY OR MAY NOT RECIPROCATE!!!!

Really though she has such a strong personality if you set out to try and figure it out!! And she does play multiple roles beyond love interest and damsel in distress! She did a ton of stuff in the early manga and i still cannot believe people make fun of her for friendship speeches when they are obsessed with everyone else from hit series Yu-Gi-Oh, Friendship is Magic. She didn't even make that many speeches!!!!!

5. One thing I wished happened to this character in canon?

I wish we got to see more of her home life and her background since it feels like it has something going on back there, since she seems to be hustling for money in a way that tells me she mostly relies on herself for funds and support. Also I wish at least at some point she had gotten to tell Atem how she felt about him :( or at least resolved the plot point beyond "well I guess he's going so i have to cope"

anyways I LOVE HER A MILLION KISSES FOR ANZU MAZAKI

[misscammiedawn]

Penlight Spoiler Reviews (Sayori Part 2)

Download Penlight (Pay what you like) from Itch.io here

Past reviews: Quick Review - Nozomi Routes - Sayori (Part 1)

Turq's reviews: Hiroko Robot - Hiroko Tickling - Nozomi Zombie

-

So... last time we met with Sayori and turned her into a Doll.

This time we're going to discuss the impact of Personality Play on a person and outright give Sayori dissociative identity disorder. As a person diagnosed with DID and a victim of personality play abuse I have a lot to talk about on this topic. I hope you don't mind me being a little over-indulgent.

CW: The Alter route will discuss topics of IRL hypnotic abuse and the long-term effects of personality play on a person's psyche as well as perspectives of how DID presents in my personal experience. I put the reality segments in italics to help people skip over them.

ALTER ROUTE:

Note that the name I refer to the Alter by in this review is the name I gave her. It is not even remotely canon. Aiko, Megumi and Yuri are the default names given by the game. Please do not take the naming convention I used to reflect DeMille's authorial intent. I use it mostly to match the screenshots and give some more pump to a narrative twist.

The first half of the review contains some seeds of discussion topics that I want to grow out so I highly recommend reading that one.

This route is my biggest hypnotic trauma being played out in visual novel format. I'll sprinkle my thoughts on the reality within the fiction. I'll put the reality pieces in italics if you want to skip them.

So if the Doll Route is based on the concept of boundaries and respecting someone's comfort then the Alter route answers the age old question of "What if your hypnotist were hit by a bus" that is to say, what are the impacts of going about your life with dangerous and permanent programming still in your head?

I suppose another theme would be one I vibe with intently. "Be careful who you entrust your mind with"

Sayori asked "what's the worst that could happen?" at the start of his hypnosis scene. Sayori, always so careful to think about things before committing takes her time with the doll suggestion. What if she didn't advocate for herself and set up firm barriers?

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Alter Route is a winding map of many paths and much of it is still yet to be written. The route begins with Sayori being asked to adopt a carefree persona who hates to study (and has a crush on Kyou). He also specifies that this persona will have no idea that Sayori even exists.

You, the player, are given a prompt to provide her a name.

I called her Sapphire. First playthrough and so shall again for this review. I picked that name with intent. I'm still not 100% sure it was a good idea, but I did.

Is it because of the alliteration? The blue hair? My referring to my hypnotic eyes as having a "sapphire flame"?

I said that this route was my biggest hypnotic trauma being played out on the screen?

In 2003 a dumb 19 year old met a man online named AW. AW saw that teenager's mind was fertile ground for character play. He planted a couple of alters in that kids head but none were as beloved nor as important as his little recruitment doll. His "slave" (oh how I have grown to hate that word) who he trained to bring him pretty girls...

The name I feel comfortable with in this current era of my life is Dawn. I prefer people call me Dawn when I am in this headspace, though I don't mind being called Camden and can tolerate being called Cammie when it is said by someone affectionate of us as an individual. But I am fractured. Diagnosed with DID in 2023. I type about it every now and again.

He called me Sapphire.

It was the name of a roleplay character... I even have Sue-Chan art commissioned of her. I have another piece at my bedside desk and have had it much of my adult life.

I have done a lot of thinking on if my DID is a result of this extensive play or if my DID simply made my mind more susceptible to it. The question is moot for the most part but I have found comfort in believing that there were elements of our heart which we were unaware of at a young age...

And AW reached in and found those elements within us. He found the part of us that was unburdened by sexual or gender repression and was able to personify our hypnosis obsession in a way we simply could not otherwise. He saw it. He identified it. Named it... Then dared to claim ownership of it.

In the game, Sayori takes to the suggestion swimmingly. She embodies the traits of this alter personality. She becames [Sapphire]. Giggling and acting shy around her beloved Kyou, she demands a tour of the house and Kyou becomes increasingly concerned that this act is going a little too far and you are given your first option.

For simplicity's sake I'll divide the path into 3 distinct branches (I made up the names for clarity as they do not have names on the official route tree):

Golden Ending - In which Sayori is woken up in Kyou's room and is so freaked out by the lack of memories between going into trance and waking up that much like Doll Route she refuses to let Kyou hypnotize her until she feels confident of the safety. In this route [Sapphire] does not come out ever again.

Day Lost - In which Kyou does not wake Sayori up and lets [Sapphire] go home and spend a night at home and isn't woken up until the next day at school. In this route Sayori's trust is broken enough that she seeks Nozomi's help, not Kyou's in saving her from this situation.

Week Lost - In which Kyou does not wake Sayori up and instead he decides outright to program [Sapphire] to be the dominant persona and avoid detection from the outside world.

For the Golden Ending there are a number of prompts during Sapphire's (let's drop the bracket gimmick and just call her that, it's better than saying Alter Sayori over and over) brief stint where you are given the option of bringing Sayori back and after she is justifiably upset about waking up mid-conversation in a different room you are given an option to summon Sapphire again.

I like that the chaotic nature of the initial encounter allows a number of options to go between what essentially are the options of "let Sayori exit Kyou's room" or "let Sapphire exit Kyou's room", especially as Kyou himself is making a decent number of assumptions about Sayori and her willingness to go along with the suggestion.

Kyou is a very big believer in the idea that a person's willingness to obey a suggestion is equivalent to a person's consent to the suggestion. This is because Kyou is a dumb kid and he is playing with fire.

If he does not try to force Sayori to calm down by imposing the carefree persona upon her she will accuse Kyou of projecting his infatuation of Nozomi onto her and become frustrated that he would dare override her core traits with such dangerous programming.

She notes that hypnosis shouldn't make her act the way she clearly was acting and admits this requires further study after cram school. She insists Kyou dedicate himself to further study on the topic too.

His study, which to his credit he does commit to, comes up empty. He believes Sayori is in denial that part of her yearns to be carefree and act as Sapphire had.

Sayori does her own research and...

Sayori is best girl.

She admits herself foolish for going along with it but is committed to the science of understanding what is happening to her. As a test she tries to resist Kyou's sleep suggestion but when she put her head on the pillow she was compelled to sleep deeply. She could not stop it. No matter how hard she tried.

She recognizes that the best hypnotists in the world could not do as Kyou has done.

Kyou gets defensive and starts a fight which escalates. At present you only have the option to apologize but there is a greyed out option for future in which you can bring Sapphire back.

I'm interested in seeing that path in the future.

After the pair talk it through Sayori thinks to involve Nozomi as a third party consultant. She wants to see if Kyou's hypnosis is as powerful on anyone or if it is just her and she knows Nozomi will instantly agree to this.

Sayori is a bad friend. In Doll route she refused to allow Nozomi to interfere with the hypnosis but in this route she weaponizes her knowledge of Nozomi's hypnosis fetish in order to have someone to test on. Even the safest penlight hypnosis has the potential for danger and it's hard to reconcile her involving Nozomi, even in a route where Kyou has proven himself not a shithead.

After school they test the penlight on Nozomi.

and it confirms in Sayori's mind the hypothesis that the penlight is odd and makes hypnosis act in ways it shouldn't. She even notes that the CIA have been trying to do what Kyou has managed for decades and a random high school kid accidentally stumbles on it.

Sayori really hates how Kyou just bumbles into success when she has to fight so hard to scrape by.

Now in the Nozomi route I mentioned that the timelines are pretty rigid for Sayori and to a lesser extent Hiroko. Sayori has cram school every day except for Sunday (which is a day taken by Hiroko's tennis tournament) and much of the Doll route requires maneuvering around study club, an optional obligation, and cram school which is necessary or she will be contacted by her father.

The other Alter routes will involve consequences for Sayori's grip on her responsibilities relaxing a little. Here she is still trying to be everything she should be while dealing with this extra stress.

That all said, she rushes out of the scene when Kyou finished the simple down and up with Nozomi. She has to go to cram school. She vanishes so fast that Nozomi is left sitting at the table running her fingers along the table and processing the fact that a fantasy from her mind control stories just came true and it's all suddenly over.

So Nozomi, with an opportunity to make her fantasies come true, tries to convince Kyou that it would help Sayori out to do more tests. She insists that it is in Kyou's best interest and she promises that if Sayori is upset then she will take full responsibility. She gives Kyou as many outs as possible to tempt him.

You have to deny her twice.

If you accept then there's a rough draft of an unfinished path but it also provides the most Sleepyhead moment in the game.

I swear to heaven Sleepyhead is going to cosplay Nozomi Akemi at a hypnosis convention one of these days...

Turning her down is one of the most mature moments Kyou has in any route.

His crush has just begged him to do the thing this entire affair was for and he turns her down.

I'm proud of you Kyou. You're a good boy. Also Nozo truly cannot be trusted around hypnosis.

You're a lovely girl, Nozomi, but you're insatisable. We all love you for it. But you cannot be trusted.

Look back to the Doll Route and the thing with the culture festival application. Sayori ruins her relationship with Nozomi because he couldn't trust her around the promise of hypnosis or Kyou with the temptation of working with Nozomi.

It's interesting when we get to see these dramatic irony stings.

The next day Sayori turns up and tells him to destroy the penlight. If you refuse then Kyou will force Sapphire out again use her willingness to go along with Kyou to entrance her again and both deprogram Sayori and erase Sayori's memory and then the next day utilizes Nozomi's offer to test more to do the same with her. Alone again but he still have his penlight.

In the good ending. He uses the penlight to deprogram Sayori and destroys the penlight. The story cuts a few months later and Kyou has become a regular at Study Club and is picking himself up. He is treating Sayori's insomnia via therapeutic hypnosis and is truly thinking about becoming a real life hypnotherapist.

He also pulled off the culture festival and though Sayori was not involved, Nozomi kept him on his toes.

The pair have grown close and know a lot about one another's lives to the point of which Kyou asks Sayori on a date to an arcade and she is surprised that he would ask her to such a location and Kyou mentions her talking about how much she enjoyed arcades before high school.

Sayori notes that they may be having a date but she still is still moving if she gets into med school and they won't last long. Kyou acknowledges that it's worth enjoying the moment even if it doesn't pan out.

I love her.

Now this route involves erasing Sapphire in both good and bad ending. She barely got to exist. Less than 5 minutes into the world.

Shall we go back in time to that initial encounter and meet her now?

An interesting part of the Alter routes where Sayori and Sapphire are bouncing back and forth (intentionally or unintentionally) is that this is the only route that has "rules" to keep a track of.

Any time Sayori is turned into Sapphire or Sapphire is turned into Sayori there is a complete void between times that the Become... trigger was used.

Sapphire recognizes that she was given a trigger to have a "carefree and fun" persona installed and assumes that "Sayori" is the name of this. Any time someone calls her it she becomes more and more aware of the situation.

Another rule is that Sayori and Sapphire have a common history and this is a really interesting thing that instantly caught my attention and proved that DeMille understood the assignment and either studied dissociative identities or is quite capable of understanding how they are expressed.

There is nothing about Sapphire that isn't part of Sayori. She is not how Sayori would imagine someone without inhibitions or a caricature of a carefree person. Sayori simply remembered a younger point of her life when she used to visit the arcade with her father and how her life felt before she became weighed down by expectations and the stress of not being able to keep up with her studies.

Look up at those last two pictures. That's Sayori at the end of the Golden Ending and Sapphire at the start of the Alter path. That smile isn't unique to Sapphire. Sayori can smile like that too. She can visit the arcade and have fun. That is a huge part of the story that is being told here. There truly is nothing within Sapphire that doesn't already exist within Sayori. They share a beautiful blushing smile.

It's not fully developed as a story where this was the core of the tale would be but I think that is something that makes it all the more effective. It's succinct. A concept I am completely blind to but I do like it when others pull it off. I am not saying that Sapphire is 12 year old Sayori (well. My thoughts are more nuanced than that at least. We'll see what I mean a little later). I am saying Sayori was asked to conceptualize a carefree version of herself and Sapphire was constructed from the emotions that she was once familiar with.

Which makes for not just an effective story, but a reflection of reality.

AW met us from a roleplaying group. Sapphire was not the only character we played in those days. But she was the only hypnotist character. When we were a teenager we were deep into reading hypnotic theory. We burned through so many books between ages 16-25. But there's a difference between reading how to do a thing and doing it.

But Sapphire was a character and so in posts she would think about different types of inductions by their name and talk about things like convincers and depth signals. She spoke in a grandiose pattern. She was confident. In charge. Dominant.

I don't know how many people AW had us hypnotize but he recognized that we did not have the confidence to do so when we were lucid. But in Sapphire's headspace there was no filter, no cogs turning... it was fluid. A person who knew their stuff, believing they knew their stuff... no delay, no bravado. Was I what I imagined a hypnotist to be or was I just a version of myself unburdened by a shame of kink, a fear of eroticism, any notion that this was not who we were and what we were built for.

I recall in the 2010s when my friend group met "me" in my iteration at the time... there was no hypnosis that time. Just a call from the heart to fill a void in a tabletop scene. Our playable character was transformed into the personality of a femme fatale and we needed to act as her with no time to prepare. We closed our eyes and reached inward. Sapphire is not the shape we sought but it was the shape that reached up and took control in that moment.

We think about that moment a lot. I took the name "Honoria" that day. The shape of "me" had changed. I wonder what shape I was before AW got a hold of me. Sapphire existed before AW... but he poisoned her. Changed her into something else. It makes me wonder what experiences, emotions and memories forged me. I wasn't always here. But now I am...

And I don't just disappear in silent moments or the years between activty.

I'm also a sucker for rules in storytelling and so when things like which name is spoken out loud or the trigger is used I am keeping these things in mind. I wanted to mention that early as it plays in as we go.

So Kyou does not bring back Sayori and Sapphire laughs about how Kyou's hypnosis must have failed when he calls her "Sayori" and she does not recognize the name.

And with Kyou's negligence on full display, Sapphire heads out of the house, not even recognizing her own name. He assumes she'll just snap out of it when the situation calls for it. He doesn't realize the level of distress that can be caused by leaving someone in a literally "altered" state interact with the world and their life.

We used to call it "channeling". Evidence had shown that hypnosis could let our younger self do things that they couldn't do in an unaltered state. Eventually they started to lean into it. At work. In intimate situations. When they needed to perform. When they needed to play a character, to push through barriers of fear and doubt. Close your eyes. Let yourself enter a flow state. Become the person you need to be...

We were already a transgender woman pretending to be a man. This just made us a transgender woman pretending to be a man needing to pretend to be other people just to function in basic life tasks. It felt pathetic. It felt so alienating from my sense of self. I didn't identify with my body or my mind. In seeking ego death we hypnotically abused ourselves to the point of which we were just an idea of a person who had a legal name that didn't feel like our own...

I did this to myself, I would think.

The next day Sapphire ambushes Kyou at the gate. He notes it's odd but he's just happy there's someone happy to see him.

Kyou doesn't realize this is the alter personality and calls her Sayori, convincing her that Kyou is still trying to make the hypnotic compulsion from the previous day work.

Kyou's reply is not to tell her to Become Sayori again. It is to panic about what Sapphire will do when she hears the wrong name being spoken by the teacher and her friends...

In his defense, Sapphire did scold him in trying to trigger her in a public place.

But he still prioritizes a comfortable landing for Sayori over the danger of allowing Sapphire to run rampant.

This priority is the source of much of the drama in the One Day situation.

During class people do infact call Sapphire "Sayori" and she is horrified and confused by it.

We are given two options.

"It's a prank" - Change her back

We'll focus on change her back for now and come back later for "It's a prank". After all. Kyou may be able to tell himself that he is prioritizing Sayori's safety and doesn't want to wake her up to a public setting but the longer he puts this off the more distress both Sayori and Sapphire will be in.

It would be irresponsible to actively encourage this situation to continue by gaslighting or worse programming a woman in distress to lean into her altered headspace to avoid confronting the reality of the other persona being upset when they wake up.

...so let's have Kyou bring Sayori back.

Penlight hypnosis causes the hypnotee to blank out entirely. We saw this directly in the "Reversal" route. This counts for altered states too. We had seen it when Sayori woke up suddenly in Kyou's room and we saw her reaction to it in the Golden Ending path.

Imagine how terrified she would be waking up a day later with no memories of her night. Knowing that some other version of herself had lived a day in her life. Spoken to her parents. Attended school. Acted as if it were here.

The sentiment makes her sick to her stomach.

Sometimes in our emails and chatlogs we find little bits of evidence of our actions and behaviors, areas of the internet we had posted in with no recollection, even after system discovery.

AW had Sapphire make her own Yahoo account to send messages from, I have the sign-up email in my inbox. When I saw it my blood froze cold. I still do not know the password and it has been locked from my attempts to get in. It terrifies me to think of all the things I would see if I managed to get in.

I don't think I can describe the powerlessness and vulnerability that comes when you realize that the continuity of your own experience has been disrupted and even in the face of evidence you're unable to reconcile it. You know that it was you. You cannot deny that. But it still remains alien. You have no memory at all of the situation or scenario. It makes you feel so hopeless and untethered.

She takes it fairly well, given the circumstances.

Sayori retreats to the rooftop club ordering Kyou to stay the hell away from her. She is beyond terrified.

Kyou, being Kyou, instantly starts internally pouting about how he is not at fault for how people take his hypnotic suggestions and that it is unreasonable to blame him when hypnosis cannot force someone to do something they didn't want to do.

Typical Kyou stuff.

He does note he should have been better about safety and beats himself up a little about his mistake, though.

From here the school week continues on with Sayori avoiding Kyou. She instantly speaks to Nozomi, someone she knows can help her with matters of hypnosis. Nozomi even gives Kyou a firm talking to and tells him in no uncertain terms "you hurt my friend. You have to atone. On her terms, not yours."

Nozomi is wonderful. She really gets to shine in this route as she is the voice of ethics in hypnokink. Ironic, given how quickly she throws that all away when she has an opportunity to go under for herself but she knows her stuff, she knows her ethics.

It speaks to how much a person can let their own safety disappear when they are given opportunities to play. I'm certain all the older members of the hypnosis community had some brushes with dangerous individuals due to their own level of self-neglect.

But Nozomi does know what ethics are and she wants to protect her friend. She does a fantastic job of it.

She acts as a mediator and invites Kyou to her house the following day so that Sayori has a safe space to work out what the heck is going to happen next.

At Nozomi's house they gather together and Nozomi lets Kyou have it, she all but screams at him.

(Nozomi and I share a soapbox)

The rant Nozomi gives on ethics at this point is one of the highlights of the game for me and not just because of my connection to the reason she's yelling. She speaks passionately about how ethical hypnosis is performed, she uses the word "hypnotee" several times (proof that DeMille is read up as the fictional space and public consciousness tend to favor "subject") and notes how Satoshi, the senior from last year's show, had performed correctly.

Nozomi's anger at Kyou is something that reminds me of a number of my close friends in the best possible ways.

Sayori even notes that she is certain Kyou meant no harm and that she forgives him. Nozomi's reply is "Not until he gets on his hands and knees"

Better be careful, Sayori. Nozo is coming for your "best girl" crown.

Sayori is Sayori though and she is not going to submit herself to deprogramming hypnosis without understanding the situation in full and having control over how the matter is handled. This may not be the consent/rapport version of Sayori's story but she is still the same woman. Well, Sayori is anyway.

Sayori notes that the level of control that Kyou has demonstrated matches years of conditioning with a hypnotist and shouldn't be replicated with 2 sessions worth of trance.

AW and I met in 2003. I broke it off with him in 2010...

Sayori wants to understand the rules and pontificates that if they are as she thinks then if Sapphire came out she would not recall anything between the last time the trigger was used and the present moment. Sayori is also certain if she heard the trigger phrase she would be incapable of resisting it.

To prove this she asks Kyou to use it.

And it works. Sapphire returns, giggling at the magic trick of Kyou teleporting her from school to Nozomi's house. She's just delighted to be out of class. She is hypnotically compelled to hate studying after all...

Sapphire takes it all in stride and seems to have no qualms with Nozomi's presence, outright saying that she assumes Nozomi invited them over because of her "hypnosis-loving giddiness". Sapphire knocks Nozomi off her balance by outright identifying her fetish and laughing at how Kyou clearly picked up on it too.

All Kyou needed to do was say "Become Sayori" again and the scene would be over, hypothesis confirmed. Alas, what can go wrong must go wrong and Nozomi's mother enters the scene and Kyou prioritizes the comfort of Sayori waking up in an awkward position over her safety.

He convinces Nozomi to let the conversation play out and just trigger Sayori when the mother has gone. Right? Sorted.

A small chat turns into lunch.

Lunch stretches on and Sapphire starts talking it up. We learn a little more about Nozomi's board game hobby and the fact she has a secondary friend group she plays games with on some evenings.

Sayori's phone goes and Sapphire excuses herself to answer it... and then goes missing.

The next sequence is a lovely wild goose chase of Nozomi and Kyou unable to find Sapphire (her phone is turned off!) and worrying that Sayori's father referred to her as "Sayori" and Sapphire worked out she's the installed personality and ran off to prevent anything happening to her.

Remember how I said the timelines of the game are rigid. Saturday is a good day for this to happen. Sunday is Hiroko's tournament after all...

...and Saturday is cram school for Sayori...

Her dad was upset she wasn't there and Sapphire, hypnotically induced to hate studying, hung up on him and turned off her phone and ran off to have fun.

The goose chase has some wonderful characterization of Kyou and Nozomi bickering, a brief Hiroko cameo and some character history for Sayori.

They find Sapphire at the arcade. In every route, as noted by the ending of the Golden Ending, Sayori has fond memories of going to the arcade with her father prior to high school and she was actually remarkably good at video games and found them relaxing fun.

Sapphire is just built from that feeling after all.

I do not know how much research DeMille did in this route. Turq told me in reading blog entries (this specific route was written this year) that DeMille was not happy with how this route was written and I was surprised to hear that. As a person with DID and former victim of personality play abuse I felt the nuances were handled remarkably well.

One of the theories of DID (which is a dramatically contested topic in psychology. I should do a post on the 3 major theories that are kicked about someday) is based on Attachment Theory. In child's psychology they are developing aspects of identity, self and personality which are typically reinforced by their relationship to caregivers and the stability of their environment.

Attachment Theory posits that while the child is developing they come to have subconscious expectations of their environment based on how they are treated that cause a level of anxiety and avoidance with Secure Attachment being low anxiety/avoidance and Disorganized Attachment being high levels of anxiety/avoidance. Disorganized Attachment is more than just anxiety/avoidance, though. It comes from unstable environments where the child cannot reliably act in a certain way to get their needs met. Caregivers and authority figures do not respond well either via abuse or neglect (for instance an alcoholic mother may be violently and angry towards a child at night and then loving and apologetic in the morning) leaving the child feeling confused and afraid and unable to rely on stable protection and affection. Thus the personality and stable sense of self does not develop as the child is not modeled a correct way to behave, leaving them without a stable core.

Add in some cPTSD to the mix and you get some fun stuff happening in the brain.

Incidentally Disorganized Attachment is something that comes up in the development of BPD (which includes Identity Confusion as a diagnostic criteria) as well, which is why some psychologists believe that DID is just BPD with extra steps. As I said it's a contested field.

That all is to say that Sayori's relationship with her parents is strained. They are always working, something she and Kyou bond over, and she herself is busy to the point of breaking trying to live up to their expectations. Maybe I'm just headcanoning it but Sayori and her father clash a lot when Sapphire goes against his wishes.

So it is truly remarkable to me that Sapphire regressed to the point in her life when she used to visit the arcade and play games with her father. Sayori always refers to him as "father" and (in this route) Sapphire always refers to him as "daddy". I chose to put weight on that, even if it's not intended by the author.

Every one of her routes this love of video games exists but you'd never see it if she didn't have a reason to let it shine. It's not that she's ashamed of it. She just cannot be the person she was before and it's part of the reason she resents Kyou. Kyou can just take it easy and coast without even trying. She's sacrificing SO MUCH and cannot even feel confident about her ability to succeed.

Sapphire just takes the weight of that responsibility off of her.

Oh it's been a while since I used a photo. I got caught up talking about psychology stuff. I do that sometimes. Here. Have a Sayori kicking Kyou's butt at Street Fighter!

Sayori decides that this proves her theories about the penlight hypnosis without a shadow of a doubt and requests Kyou allow her to hypnotize him with it.

She does so at Nozomi's home and much like the Nozo-Reversal route we have a quick blank out from the induction to 20 minutes later. Nozomi and Sayori worked hard to be safe about their suggestion and we witness one of the most interesting scenes in the game from an ethics standpoint.

Kyou remains in trance and during this 20 minute window is forced to deprogram Sayori and remove Sapphire and sleep triggers from Sayori's mind.

We'll get more into the ethics of just erasing Sapphire in the final segment of this route...

Kyou argues that the penlight isn't a mind control device and Nozomi, clearly done with Kyou's denial and is about to get into an argument when Sayori steps in and notes how Kyou believes that the penlight is just a hypnosis tool and not a mind control device and if such were true then he would not obey any programming that he did not want to.

She orders him to break the penlight.

Kyou obeys.

But he fights the compulsion.

He fights it with all his might.

Seeing just how much he struggled in this scene reminds me of the ending of Nozo-Trance where Kyou commanded her to be his girlfriend. The penlight can overrule agency and in this moment Kyou cannot resist. He screams, begs the girls to stop, swears at them and cries out at the top of his lungs.

But he obeys.

Kyou is livid. Yelling at both girls that they had no right to subvert his will and destroy his hard work. He even threatens to build another one... and it is in this moment when...

Sayori hugs him and shares a moment of perspective. They had both been violated by the penlight and left to feel confused and afraid at the complete lack of control they each had in their own mind.

The ending to this route is actually rather positive. Sayori's father relents enough to let Sayori ease from her studies a little as it is clear that she had a burnout that erupted in her behavior during Sapphire's reign and that she was working better with full rest anyway.

Any Sayori route tends to include a note that moderation helps her more than obsessive study. Burnout will actually kill her but she needs to make the change from inside. She's a proud woman with a firm sense of control on her experience. She does not want to be told what to do, but she benefits a lack of pressure.

Kyou, Sayori, Hiroko and Nozomi start a D&D campaign together and Sayori finds an affinity for acting out characters in the setting.

Trust me, I can relate.

So this is what happens if Kyou wakes Sayori up on the school day after creating Sapphire.

...what happens if he didn't?

What happens if Kyou is arrogant enough to think Sayori is better as a carefree lady who hates to study?

What if Kyou decided he wanted to keep Sapphire?

"It's a prank" Route:

Every now and again I pull up my chatlogs with AW and one question plays in my head over and over again.

"How could I trust someone like this with my mind"

I pulled up chatlog and did a word search for "memory" to see if he ever did amnesia shenanigans with me. I found this exert:

AW: so she's pretty much wholly brainwashed at this point AW: her memory, personality, beliefs etc… are all customizable AW: she's got a second, deeper moral compass now. 'right' is what pleases master, and 'wrong' is what displeases master

As I read this all I could think was how did I let someone talk to me like that. How did any part of me accept that he could be allowed to mold us... it was such a violation.

If there is one thing I am grateful for it is that hypnosis in reality is not hypnosis in Penlight. The things AW commanded us to do were unconscionable. But we simply did not obey. But we did not run from him. It took him trying to make moves on people in our vanilla real life to make us break it.

If Kyou decides to trick Sapphire into thinking everyone is calling her Sayori as a prank, she instantly starts to threaten Sayori's entire career by complaining about study club and how much she hates school. Kyou doubles down.

Kyou doubles down in the worst way possible.

He hypnotizes Sapphire to always hear the name "Sayori" as Sapphire and to always unconsciously refer to herself in speech and writing as Sayori. By the absolute grace of DeMille Kyou remembers enough to make this suggestion in a way that saying "Become Sayori" will not be heard as "Become Sapphire". Though in my opinion the fact he even thought to close that loophole speaks to how unethical he is being right now. He knows what he is doing and is doing it anyway.

When Kyou is a little fuck he really makes me hate him...

During this hypnosis session Kyou starts thinking of Sayori as "Sapphire's other personality" before internally correcting himself to say "real personality".

That's one of the biggest themes of this route. "Real".

In the first two routes, Sapphire was a suggestion gone awry. Her autonomy (as well as a good use of "compartmentalized memories" in dialogue) is noted in the "Bring Sayori Back" (Day Lost) route but it is in this route that Sapphire and Sayori are treated as full dissociative identities.

Having just committed an atrocity on Sayori and helped smooth out any wrinkles in the personality he installed in Sayori's mind (that is commanded to have a crush on him), Kyou wakes her and she confesses her love. Kyou reciprocates.

Kyou's denial is legendary enough that if DeMille revealed he had a hypnotic compulsion to have the worst possible take in any scenario where the player isn't controlling the situation, I'd believe her.

Sapphire is all about the public displays of affection and starts being intimate and close to Kyou at school, pulling him to the rooftop club. There she mentions that she is dating Kyou and they are practicing hypnosis for the cultural festival.

Nozomi's hypnosis radar is pinged.

After Hiroko incredulously calls her bullshit, Sapphire doubles down and states that she is going to have a proper date with Kyou during the coming weekend. When reminded that mock exams are coming up and she should be studying, Sapphire happily says she will blow it off in order to spend time with her love <3

Nozomi's bullshit detector is pinged.

However, Nozomi is Nozomi. So she simply chimes in that as Class Rep it is her duty to help with the cultural festival and she must be involved in this hypnosis show. There is no options in this. They will attend Kyou's house tomorrow and there is no ifs or buts.

Sapphire also proves she cares about her friends and notes she is prioritizing Hiroko's tennis match for Sunday. Sayori is a good friend, even when her moral limitations and over-controlled behaviors are turned off.

Why, yes. I do know what I typed in the last review.

Have you considered Sayori is best girl, though?

Nozomi spends the day scripting out what will happen with the hypnosis session (no shenanigans, just scripting) and is enjoying herself but then Sapphire gets the phone call. Same time as it happened in the previous route. Sayori's father is livid that she is not at cram school. This time however we get to hear the argument and it is fairly pointed.

Sayori cannot avoid going in this route. It's interesting to note the differences between Sapphire without Kyou's reinforcing her presence in Sayori's mind and how she is here. The other Sapphire just hung up the phone. This one ended up going.

Nozomi excuses herself before noting "Sayori has never missed school. Not once. Not regular school of cram school."

She notes the discussion about second personalities and knows damned well what is going on here.

My beloved audience, behold! It is the thesis statement of this entire route. Also I will remind people of what Nozomi's first action is when she gets a hold of the penlight in Nozo-Reversal route.

There are so many times in this game where characters make overt ironic references to other routes. This is most certainly one of those moments.

After cram school Sapphire and Kyou meet up for their date and Sapphire talks about how she had intended on getting in a higher level high school but had not been able to be accepted elsewhere. She was happy to have Nozomi and Hiroko still in her life but it marks the moment that Sayori had become obsessed with study.

She visits the arcade and notes how she used to visit with her dad. Once again I note the fact that this Sapphire is less childish than the previous one. I feel the "Bring Sayori Back" Sayori was regressed to who she was before high school, referring to her father as "daddy" where here she calls him "dad" every time. Sayori always says "father".

Kyou's hypnosis has integrated Sapphire and Sayori and more importantly associated the memories, just not the behaviors. This Sapphire is an adult and she has full ownership over her actions during high school and has decided that she does not want to be that person anymore. She is happier like this.

Sapphire plays an arcade game and thanks Kyou for letting her "relive a happier time in her life" before dragging him down for dinner.

The two bond over their estrangement from their parents. Kyou is from a broken home with a father he barely sees and Sayori/Sapphire have a paramedic mother they barely see and a father who doesn't do anything to help anyone and Sayori/Sapphire disagrees with what he does and they argue about it.

She had wanted to become a doctor to make them proud even when they did not have economic advantage but Sapphire is not as sold on the idea. A doctor needs to keep up on study for their entire career. She has no interest in such a life.

Kyou starts to realize he is making a huge mistake and that programming Sayori to go against everything she stood for.

Finally realizing what Nozomi was trying to tell him before he realizes that he's done a horrible thing and tells her that they have to break up. He confesses everything. That he used hypnosis to change her personality, that he expected she would snap out of it, that he is going to throw her entire future down the drain and it's not right and they have to stop.

Then Sapphire pulls the rug out from under him.

We have just lost cabin pressure...

So you may have noticed that I was calling her by the alter's name this entire time.

The game text is still calling her Sayori and has been since we reprogrammed Sapphire to unconsciously hear the name Sayori as her own. Kyou has been calling her Sayori. The entire game up until now has been treating this character as if she is Sayori but with her personality adjusted.

This scene has the game switch the name card back to Sapphire.

She's known the whole time that she is the installed personality. She worked it out on the first day when people were calling her Sayori. The installed personality was supposed to be "carefree and fun-loving" and she sees those traits in herself. Therefore it stands to reason if she behaves in the way Kyou's hypnosis was supposed to make her act and people called her the wrong name then she is the one who Kyou created.

And she's okay with it.

Moreover she knows Kyou can just say "Become Sayori" and be done with it.

And she is NOT okay with that.

"What is this "real" business? I am as real as can be, Kyou. Do you mean to say I am not the original? That I am a creation that must be destroyed now that I have inconvenienced you?"

"Kyou, I am no parlour trick for you to put away once it has been used. I am real. I have lived a life."

"Do you... do you really think you have the right to take that away from me, Kyou?"

Sapphire explains she has existed as a feeling within Sayori for some time and that her experiences these past few days are her own and belong to no one but herself.

Flooding with tears she says that what Kyou calls "fixing" her is actually Killing her.

One thing I see argued back and forth in support groups is the concept of a core/original/real personality. Many therapists, especially those approaching from the perspective of the IFS model and expect there to be a "Genuine Self" waiting to emerge. I do not share this viewpoint and even if I did , how ethical would it be to assume the birth identity is the only valid one when we've been living as a woman for 3 years.

Even still... would "birth identity" and "the original" even be synonymous. I consider "birth identity" to be the boy from London, not the person in the stories we were told of our childhood.

I may not have full memory of my childhood but I am fully aware of the things the "little monster" did. I wasn't allowed to grow past it. Suspended from school 3 times, expelled once, hospitalized a kid by cracking his head on a concrete pillar, stole, broke into places, got brought home by the police a couple times. All before hitting 10 years old.

I do not know who that child my father would tell me stories about was. I don't identify with him. I do not feel him inside me. I am aware it was me who flooded the toilets, punched a teacher and broke into abandoned buildings.

I also remember the refrain in my head in those young years "don't be like them." I remember moments of oblivious bliss and moments of being consumed by an all powerful righteous fury in my heart. Simultaneously a happy child and an angry adult. Seeds that would grow into Cammie and Camden. Yet neither of those were my name... they wouldn't be for another 20 years.

When we transitioned. We didn't know we had DID. Camden had been running the system for a few years at that point and was finally able to express openly and outwardly... and so on days when we couldn't present femme our self-loathing and emotional volatility increased. We began to hate with a burning passion any expression of masculinity and our English heritage.

We began to hate our birth identity existing within us. We tried to erase him. End him.

It's actually a common practice for people going through gender transition. Here's a comic that makes the point more clearly than I ever could. See my tags for it? This comic convinced me exactly what the game is saying firmly. The Boy has a right to exist within our heart. We don't get to put him away just because he's not convenient to our gender expression anymore.

Kyou is told firmly that to erase Sapphire from Sayori would be murder and that Sapphire believes Kyou is a better man than that. She acknowledges this is a heavy topic and gives Kyou time to think. Our little idiot hypnotist is left completely out of his depth, forced to accept that he has given life to this alternate personality and such gifts cannot be revoked lightly.

What follows is a sequence at school where the rooftop gang gather and Hiroko stresses about her performance in the tennis tournament may impact her scholarship giving Sapphire the opportunity to show how carefree she is about scholarships. Nozomi confronts Sapphire with the knowledge that she is an installed persona and is horrified to find out that Sapphire not only knows this but does not care to be "fixed".

The conversation also bounces back and forth between using the names "Sayori" and "Sapphire" enough that Hiroko and Nozomi notice traces of Kyou's meddling. He confesses that he has programmed her to hear the name she is comfortable with whenever someone is clearly addressing her.

Nozomi is LIVID at hearing Kyou tried to mitigate harm by disguising it. She knows just how monstrous and unethical that is.

This is something that I fear isn't delved into enough within the ethical routes of the game. There are shadows of it here but I really feel like there needs to be a route that is specifically about owning mistakes.

As Turquoise pointed out in his NozoZombie review, a good hypnotist can still make no errors and still hurt a person. Kyou is entirely the type of person to utilize amnesia suggestions to bury mistakes and put things "right" but typically this only happens in the bad endings of routes.

I know too many people who played in the 2000s with dangerous hypnotists who crossed boundaries or made abreactions and tried to make the hypnotee forget rather than owning their mistake. I truly feel this is a topic that DeMille would knock out of the park if it were the sole focus for a storyline.

I also want to know that Sapphire's speech patterns at this point of the story are unique to her. Sayori has a grandiose way of speaking and the way that Sapphire talks is in character for Sayori but where Sayori's expanded vocabulary and wordy ways of speech is treated as her being a little loquacious, Sapphire embraces the concept of "eccentric", utilizing some phrases that she uses as a point of comfort such as "as you like".

Oh and as a British expat, I do love when I can feel DeMille's nationality bleed into this Japanese setting. It just makes me happy in the same way playing a 90s era RPG with American pop-culture references or seeing Brock eat a "jelly donut" would.

On the rooftop Nozomi caves in to despair, realizing that her friend is the one being killed. Sapphire insists that Sayori still exists within her mind but she has no reason to yield her existence to her. Nozomi's crying starts attracting attention and so Sapphire concedes that Sayori needs to be part of this conversation but it has to happen later in a safer place.

"Wait! Not here. And certainly not now [...] do you have any idea how Sayori will react were she to wake right now? In this place?"

Sapphire says that they need to perform the hypnosis in the privacy of the study club, where Kyou first hypnotized Sayori.

If you've not played this route yet, I want you to cast your mind back. Kyou did indeed hypnotize Sayori for the first time in the study club. This is a true statement.

But there's something odd about it, don't you think?

Kyou notices too but cannot quite identify what it is until Sapphire says that in order to make a safe landing spot for Sayori the conditions need to be perfectly replicated. Including Kyou and Sayori being alone in the room.

What is she scheming, I wonder?

After school Sapphire enacts her role as head of the study club and Kyou waits until afterwards to meet with her. Nozomi makes a final plea to bring Sayori back and tries to explain that Sapphire is not a real person and that the fact he can erase the hypnotic trigger is a proof of this fact. Kyou, who has spent time with Sapphire and recognizes her as a unique entity, disagrees.

Kyou's denial is legendary, though. Nozomi is making sense. She feels this "Sapphire" is simply Sayori following hypnotic programming, acting in the ways that Kyou told her to act and there is no separate individual. There is just programming that needs to be removed.

I like that this argument is left as a firm disagreement between Kyou and Nozomi. The ethics are dirty as can be in this situation. Kyou literally created a personality that is hypnotically compelled to love him. Earlier in the route Nozomi says that Sayori is "under duress" when Kyou says they are in love and that is right.

The situation has spun out of control and now the morality of it has become ungovernable. It is wrong for Kyou to permanently change Sayori into his girlfriend, it's the same situation as the endings where Kyou forces Nozomi to become his girlfriend. It is wrong to deprive Sayori of her autonomy, her life, her years of hard work.

Erasing Sapphire should be a cut and dry case.

But Sapphire is advocating for herself and does not consent to being erased. The whole situation boils down to whether or not you believe Sayori is following hypnotic conditioning or if Sayori and Sapphire are separate individuals with autonomy.

To add in further moral murkiness, Sapphire has come up with a scheme.

She will finish out her high school career pretending to be Sayori. Acting as a stuffy and studious woman, friend to Nozomi and Hiroko and stay away from her beloved Kyou. Earn their freedom by going through the motions and then after school is over she can return to Kyou and not have to worry about her parents or friends or society nagging about her behavior ever again.

Obviously that is an unacceptable circumstance.

Makes it easier to just ignore Sapphire's consent. She's not "real" after all...

But Sapphire is smart enough to know this may be the case and has selected the Study Club as the location of their hypnosis instead of Kyou's home.

That's the thing that was odd about the location. Kyou hypnotized Sayori in the study club for the sleep suggestion. Sapphire was created at Kyou's home.

She knows that if Kyou tries to bring Sayori back then he will be forced to manage the fact that she has lost 5 days of her life. Sapphire is so intent on living that she has put Kyou in a position where refusing her is disadvantageous. Sapphire is an evil mastermind when her back is to the wall.

In her mind to "include Sayori in this conversation" would be to destroy herself. Once she loses her ability to advocate for herself then Kyou would be the only one who could speak to Sapphire's autonomy and Sayori, Nozomi and Hiroko would never treat her as "real".

We know this. Nozomi said as much just before this meeting.

Sapphire admits, she has no right to demand this of Kyou (though she did think to put him in a position where refusing would end poorly) and that if he simply remembers her and keeps her in his memories then it could be enough.

You are then given the option to bring Sayori back or not.

Bring Sayori Back - Go Along with Sapphire's Plan

Should you go along with Sapphire's plan then she will have Kyou use a fake trigger to "bring back Sayori" and invite Nozomi to come into the room and begin acting out as if she were Sayori.

As soon as Nozomi comes in she keeps asking Sayori if she's okay. Telling Sayori that it's been 5 days. That Kyou hypnotized her.

Sapphire sells her role and is as livid and rigid as one would expect Sayori to be. Nozomi starts peppers every sentence with Sayori's name. Truly concerned about her friend.

Then Nozomi proves she is smarter than Kyou and knows her shit with hypnosis.

"Sayori" does not even react. She is hypnotically compelled to hear either name and internalize it as the name she should hear. Nozomi said Sayori every sentence in order to slip in a "Sapphire" and see how she reacts.

Sapphire fails to notice and Nozomi knows that the pair of them had lied to her...

In despair she once again cries for her friend to come back and Sapphire springs into action.

We get a timeskip to the final day of school. "Sayori" hangs out with her friends and Kyou remains a social parriah. Everything has gone "back to normal".

As they pile out of school Hiroko notes that Nozomi looks jumpy and just doesn't want to be there. Sapphire looks at Nozomi and assures her that she is amongst friends and she shouldn't be so tense. That if she had anything that was concerning her she could speak up and she would be happy to help her see things in a new light.

We flash back to the study club room.

Sapphire didn't use the penlight. She threatened to use the penlight.

She kept Nozomi in line via threats because she enjoyed watching the discomfort in her face whenever Nozomi was caught in the moral quandry of doing something or not fighting against this injustice. Sapphire gets off on having power over people and making them stew in discomfort.

Full credit to @spiralturquoise for pointing out that in the doll route there is a moment where Kyou has a thought box where he is convinced Sayori is enjoying his discomfort.

I am convinced that Sayori in every route enjoys watching people in moments of discomfort. It certainly explains her reactions to NozoZombie's stage show and why she makes the best audience member to be watching the events.

There are actually a number of little bits of foreshadowing in other routes. In one route Hiroko even jokes about how "we don't need two Sayori's around here". I look forward to replaying the game and catching the little asides.

DeMille has a very firm idea of who these characters are and is so gifted at maintaining their internal consistency. More impressive given how each character is dramatically altered when they interact with the penlight.

The bad ending concludes with Sapphire reuniting with Kyou andf starting their new life together with her performing a little bit of jabbing at him to see his own discomforted face contort as he struggles against the morality of his actions.

This ending has Kyou and Sapphire break off from the world and alienate themselves from family and friends to dive into a life consumed by one another. I find that this is one of the more intriguing fail conditions of the routes. Isolation is a big theme of all the bad endings. Whether Kyou ends up ostricized due to his misdeeds, sacrifices connections with the girls for what he feels is the safest option or is consumed by a hollow life where kink has consumed everything.

The doll bad ending is of a similar calibur where Sayori has no cares or interests outside of how wonderful hypnosis feels and so Kyou finds a full time job in maintaining a hypnojunkie and his life entirely becomes about catering to those needs.

Intimacy and connection is the good end. Isolation, even when alone together, is a bad end.

But that's a bad end. Let's bring Sayori back instead.

Kyou's lip trembles and he mumbles out his apologies. Sapphire just smiles back and closes her eyes in acceptance.

"You... You need to Become Sayori again."

Sayori wakes up and is stunned, scared and confused. Nozomi rushes in to hug her friend and they go to Kyou's home in order to sort things out. It was where the suggestion began and thus it seemed prudent to handle it there.

Nozomi and Kyou explain everything and Sayori listens and absorbs. She is numb by the end and tells them what it felt like for her. There are no memories at all of her time as Sapphire and she could not impact anything from within their mind, she was simply trapped in a void.

Kyou takes this as confirmation that Sapphire is a being unto herself.

Sayori agrees, noting that her hubris enabled this and that she should have been careful to entrust her mind to an idiot clod. She now has a dissociative identity to show for her arrogance. Sayori fully accepts that Sapphire is a separate entity born from her thoughts, emotions and memories and does have a right to exist.

Sayori is the best girl and I love her.

She gives Kyou two options. Erase all the programming and lock Sapphire away inside her mind forever, unable to come out and interact with the world. This option is as good as killing Sapphire but will allow Sayori full control over her life.

The other option is to integrate their consciousness to function together. Nozomi is horrified to consider this option, noting that it would be the end of Sayori's aspirations for med school.

She gives her signature Sayori smirk and boils it down to a simple statement.

"Ruin my life or destroy hers."

You bring Sayori under penlight hypnosis once again and are given the final option of the story.

Sapphire... I won't leave you behind - Sapphire... I have to let you go.

First off I note that Kyou frames this choice as being about Sapphire and not Sayori. I say that with no judgment or commentary. It's simply a fact of the route.

To erase Sapphire ends the game with an abrupt timeskip. The rooftop club want nothing to do with Kyou and he lives out the rest of his school career in solitude. Sayori manages to recover her lost week and feels confident about her chances for med school.

When Kyou speaks to her on her last day of school she is blunt and angry with him. She says every time she sees him she remembers how close she came to losing everything.

She says trusting him was her mistake and she takes ownership of it...

But Sapphire's life was placed in her hands and he sealed her away forever. Sayori wants Kyou to live with that. She wants him to miss her for the rest of his life.

She says goodbye and Kyou never sees them again.

I can think of few things in life more painful than being revoked access to speak to someone you love. To see them in front of you. To interact with them and to know that you are no longer on the "inside" of their trust. That you know the true names and shapes of the person... the people behind those eyes and know that you no longer have permission to see that. You are no longer allowed to hear their individual voice. It is a pain I would never wish on anyone.

And oh the level of self-loathing in internalizing that you have no right to be upset about it. That you are not owed access or trust. That you have to just live with the knowledge that they would take it all back if they could.

I know what it's like to miss someone for the rest of your life.

...so...

What if we integrate the pair into a single consciousness?

This time Kyou programs the two to have a line of internal communication and the ability to trade the body when they need to.

The timeskip happens again and Kyou has once again gone the final months of school alone. He is not soon to be forgiven for his actions. But as exams end the rooftop club have a date to go to karaoke to celebrate. Sayori is pessimistic about her propositions but did promise to celebrate. She also promised to talk to Kyou.

The rooftop club approach him and invite him to the celebration. As Sayori speaks with him, cold and upset, she is caught in moments of aside where she is caught in an internal argument.

The scene at the karaoke club is so beautiful and shows that not only has Sayori adapted to include her alter self into her life but Nozomi and Hiroko fully accept Sapphire as the 4th member of their group. Hiroko and Sapphire even seem to get along greatly.

Sapphire comes out to Kyou's comfort and delight and explains that Sayori pulled out of her emd school plans and they have to live a completely different life to accomodate their ideology clashes.

Kyou himself being one of them.

Sapphire and Sayori have internal conversations that Nozomi and Hiroko ask to be filled in on and for all it is worth this is handled just as it tends to be in my lived experience. DeMille did a good job of showing what "healthy multiplicity" looks like in a social dynamic and I cannot begin to thank her enough for that.

The whole "split personality" thing in fiction is always used as a source of drama. Internally as the turmoil between two (or more) individuals fighting over the solitary life. Externally as people not always knowing which alter they are speaking with.

I always appreciate when it's shown as just a part of who a person is. That people struggle to keep up with the shifts but are capable of following the changes and being aware that the person they are speaking to contains multitudes and the statement "they are the same person" and "they are different people" are both true at the same time.

In support groups I tend to see a common refrain that "DID is actually boring. It's just traumatized people trying to live their lives." and I agree with it. There's so much less mythology and intrigue in reality. This scene does a good job of showing the mundane reality of a person who has attained dynamic system communication and has people who they trust and share their truth with. The clumsiness and uncertainty of how any of it works and just trying to not stumble or apologize too much.

I often think I don't deserve the way people see me. See us. I've never been able to be what I am lucky enough to receive for others. In support groups and in life I have met other people who have these experiences and I fuck up. A lot. I try to not worry about it because I know I'd forgive the people around me if they messed up. But it takes earnest care and trust to be open with another person and for them to accept you and adapt their behavior to invite you in. It heals my heart to see Nozomi and Hiroko roll with it, even if they don't fully comprehend it.

During the karaoke party Kyou asks Sapphire where they stand, if they have a future or if tonight is a goodbye.

Sapphire takes him outside and admits that she still loves him and as Kyou reaches out to make a connection Sayori steps in and scolds her alter for breaking their agreement.

The pair get into an outloud argument over the situation and the impact Kyou's hypnosis has had on their shared life.

Sayori had to talk to her parents and tell them that her stress had caused a breakdown and she needs to adjust her life goals in order to accomodate her abilities. Sapphire jabs that Sayori would have had a miserable life treading water if intervention had not happened. Sayori notes that being forced to surrender her dreams is not a favor.

The sequence ends with Sapphire saying that she forced Sayori to give up her dreams. Giving up her love of Kyou is a suitable price.

Kyou will always be the one who ruined Sayori's life and saved Sapphire's. Sayori cannot bring herself to hate him but she cannot allow him to be in her life.

In a bittersweet ending, Kyou allows Sayori/Sapphire to return to the karaoke bar and he walks home.

The end.

The route is interesting in that there is real basis for it and yet the dynamics of the route lean more heavily into hyperbole than most need to. Adjusting a person's identity and risking them gaining a dissociative disorder is a very real issue within the hypnosis community.

I recently made a post about the topic which was inspired by my playing this route. I have no desire to out any of the people I have spoken to in the weeks since I posted it but a number of people have approached me to thank me for the post and share their experiences which mirror much of what AW did to me.

Then there's those Disney Deer files that are so imfamous at altering people's personalities and compartmentalizing their thought process that there are major online publications doing exposes on the topic.

DeMille handles the situation both in the present of noting what happens when a person's behavior is shifted by hypnotic conditioning and just how dangerous it is to give birth to alter egos via hypnosis. I feel there is full respect in her depictions and spare for Kyou's behavior being on a spectrum of irredeemable and fucking stupid; the characters treat the scenario with the gravity it deserves. I never felt like anyone betrayed their character's core while arguing on the agency and legitimacy of the alter personality.

I don't know if this is going to be the best storyline for anyone or be relatable to anyone outside of a very narrow window of individual... but as a member of that pinpoint Venn diagram... I appreciate that this story exists.

I think DeMille knocked it out of the park and I cannot wait to see what happens in the grayed out paths when they are written. Even if it hurts to read.

Next time we'll visit Hiroko. Though Turq has already handled the Tickling route if you want to read that now.

Going to take some time to focus on Not Penlight for now though. This took an age to write and edit.

[ironwoman18]

Rather Be - Part 6

Chapter 6: Jealous

Loid and Anya had been noticing that Yor was taking her time to arrive home that day. Normally since the winter started her boss seemed to like them to work extra hours because they are running of of people, especially on Fridays.

‘Maybe her boss asked her to work extra hours again’ thought Loid looking down.

“Daddy I'm hungry” said the little girl and Bond barked in agreement.

“I wanted to wait till Yor arrives but I'm also hungry so I will start to cook and hopefully she will be home by the time I'm done” he said and stood up.

He went to the kitchen and when the stew was almost done, Yor arrived. She had a smile on her face as she walked in.

“Good evening, I'm home” she took off her coat and smiled at Anya and Bond running at her and noticed a guy behind her.

“Oh hey Yor. I was getting worried” said Loid walking to her.

“Who is he?” Said Anya as Bond growls softly

“I'm sorry, my boss asked us to stay for a little bit longer to finish a job and on my way home I found someone... Everyone... This is Matthew Braun. A friend from my hometown!” The man looked at them a bit shy, running his hand on his light brown hair.

He had his hair tied in a little ponytail, he had green eyes and some of his hair fell on the right side of his face. He was wearing a white shirt with black tie and black jeans. Loid noticed his black coat was next to Yor's.

“I'm sorry... I told Yor I didn't want to cause troubles but she didn't listen and insisted in bringing me here to introduce me to her family”

Loid was speechless for a second then cleared his throat “it's ok, if you are a Yor’s friend then you are welcome here” said politely but his eyes were a bit cold, analyzing the situation. He was in his Twilight mode “I just finished a chicken stew for dinner”

“Great, I brought wine. It's from the store a few blocks away from here, Yor didn't want me too but I couldn't arrived with empty hands, that's something my mom taught me”

‘Ok this discard a new SSS agent in my house. That's good but what is he hiding?’

“It's good, I like this wine” said Loid, relaxing his eyes but still was ready to act at the least indicator of danger to him or his family.

“Oh and I got the dessert” he said “I brought Southern Cheesecake, like the one your mom made to us on your sixth birthday”

“Oh yeah I remember!!” Said Yor excited “with strawberry jelly, right?” the man nodded smiling, Loid was having a weird feeling in his stomach watching their interaction.

Yor held it and put it in the fridge then the three adults put everything on the table and started to eat.

The dinner was full of stories of Yor and Matthew as children, how they were playing around and making pranks to their neighbors and the people in town, Anya was laughing at them and Loid smiled politely but the pink-headed girl was aware her father wasn't happy. Then they went separate ways when the war hit them.

“I was sent to the military school by my father after my mother died and stayed there until I reached my eighteenth birthday. I left it and got into university and became a lawyer” he said looking at them “and started to work for a pharmaceutical company as their lawyer”

“That's great” said Yor smiling kindly to him “After my parents died, I had to look out for Yuri and work hard to support him”

Meanwhile Loid went to the kitchen and got out the cheesecake. It was big and looked delicious.

Loid still had a weird feeling in his chest, something he never felt before and was hurting him and this feeling kept growing as he heard them share stories and laughed.

‘What is this feeling? Is my family or my life in danger?... No... He is harmless or he seems like it’ he thought as he cuts five slices of the cheesecake ‘what if this whole situation make Yor realize she loves him and want to leave Operation Strix?’ he shook his head slightly, she doesn't know about his mission and she is aware of the importance of this marriage but still... Would he agree to let her go if she decided to leave the Forger family?

Yor already made tea and hot cocoa for Anya, so they were just waiting for the cake.

Loid brought the plates in a tray and handed a plate for each of them. They continued to chat, mostly Yor and Matthew until he sent Anya to sleep since it was past her sleep time.

“I will put her to sleep, and maybe it's better if Mr. Braun goes home now. It's getting late” he said, still a little cold, holding a sleepy Anya in his arms.

“Yeah I agree with him, Yor. I have to go now but maybe we can continue in contact” he said, feeling a bit awkward.

“Yeah I agree with him too. Let's go ” said Yor smiling unaware of the tension in the room and they exchanged phone numbers and addresses then she went down with him until a taxi arrived for him.

They hugged lightly which made Loid even more upset but he couldn't understand that feeling until he realized ‘Am I jealous?’ he thought and shook his head ‘Don’t be stupid Twilight. This is a fake marriage... She's not your real wife so your jealousy are off limits for our agreement’

Yor walked in removing her coat and smiling, a smile he never saw in her before. A nostalgic yet it wasn’t a sad smile, it was more like a dreamy smile.

“I'm sorry if this visit was inappropriate for you or Anya but he was my best friend in my hometown and since he left for the military school... I missed him” she said blushing.

Loid felt like a stupid. She was happy sharing time with her friend and he was feeling jealous.

“I wanted to apologize as well... I acted cold all night. I just felt jealous...” He confessed to her rubbing the back of his neck a little embarrassed and making her blush “...and I know I shouldn't but...”

He stopped talking when she hugged him, this surprised him and she started to say “Loid... You don't need to worry about him or another boy friend I might have. I'm committed to our marriage and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or Anya” she said with a smile looking at him.

Loid hugged her back and nodded “I trust you Yor and I know you wouldn't hurt any of us. This is new for me... I'm always a really confident man but I saw your smile and the way you both were talking and I felt like you might find it better to be with someone with a deeper bond”

She had a couple tears in her eyes and rubbed her fingers on his cheek and he looked at her “Don't be silly Doctor Loid Forger... I'm happy with you and Anya and I wouldn't change you both for Matt... You are my family and I love what we have” said Yor with a sweet smile.

Then both of them do what they normally do on Friday night. They watched a movie and this time after a little confession of their feelings. They were cuddling on the sofa while watching the movie, Bond was laying at the end of the sofa sleeping.

‘Loid was jealous, does it mean he has feelings for me? Or just jealous of my friendship with Matt?’ were her thoughts during the last part of the movie and by instinct she held his hand and rubbed circles on it.

Loid smiled ‘I don't understand why, but Yor makes me relax and even let my guard down. Maybe I'm developing feelings for her...’ the spy in him cursed himself because he shouldn't have feelings for his partner on a mission but the Loid part of him wishes to explore these feelings so any display of affection coming from her is a welcome one, and of course it was for the mission... Now he has a new side mission: understand those new feelings.

In the end both of them went back to sleep and he made a bold move, kissing her cheek as a good night kiss. He was expecting her punch at any second but nothing happened, nothing bad I mean, because she didn't punch him but returned the kiss on his cheek.

“Good night Loid”

The man was lost in track for a split second them answer “good night Yor"

Both went to sleep in their rooms with their hearts pounding fast and their cheeks feeling burning up after that light kiss.

Are they falling in love?

OOooOOooOO

I hope you liked this chapter. And I might use this character more often.

[moonsb1996]

shiper and toxic relationships

okay ! Finally, I had to talk about this. As you can see, how many Yuri and Yaoi red flags have been flying in recent episodes? Yes, I'm talking about what we all know. A long time ago, I remember seeing Izuku and Ochako looking at each other and saying, So we all like the same thing? (Something like that) And it's Bakudeku and Togachako who have the same thing: golden-headed, likes to harm people (exploding, biting, or sucking blood?) Or the fancomic type where Bakugo gets into something. He exploded on himself. It's going to hit Izuku. And he exploded in his own throat, nearly suffocating Izuku. Even though later he will come to know and try to take care of him. Or the person who said Imagination Togachako, they were hugging each other. Then Toga will bite Ochako. (Something like that)

And everyone will say, wow, they love each other, they're so cute, etc. And I want to puke. What the fuck is this? Why do you all see physical harm? Or verbally abuse a lover, a person's partner, or a boyfriend or girlfriend. To be normal? Don't say to me, "It's just fiction, what are you thinking!" Guys! The manga's target audience is teenagers or younger.

You want to teach them that. Abuse of others Or is it normal to be abused? You don't do that. You wouldn't do that. That's like saying to the victim: It's just a slap, that's all. Just saying something hurtful. It's not that bad. Do you really think this is good? Is it acceptable? The answer is no.

These things can't be completely solved because humans are bad. I mean, yes, we are imperfect creatures. and the world we created From our imagination, it can lure people in one way or another. It's like something that happened a long time ago. The government wants its citizens to be able to read and write. created a TV series in which the MC wanted to be able to read and write and talk about its importance That country has children who want to be able to read and write. And it took a long time to reach the goals that their leaders wanted them to achieve. But you see, it can be done. And now you want to think Toxic relationships are good. Do you listen to yourself? Being fantasy isn't bad. But choose to express it appropriately.

Fantasy isn't bad. But you should show both sides. Like, is this kind of relationship good? If you make everyone feel like Even if people abuse you, no matter how bad, they do it because they love you. And you are at fault. Isn't it like we let him die? We adults know what is good and what is bad. But children perceive information differently than us. Even in this era, they say they're smart. But that doesn't mean they know everything like adults. And not all adults know everything either.

As I said Fantasy isn't bad. No matter how you fantasize, it's not wrong. But to scream at people who disagree with you Because he doesn't like your ship and then tries to put it in people's mouths and say, "You must like the toxic relationship too." It doesn't work. Scream, giving you satisfaction, but not too much. It's not difficult, right?

[theygotbitchesinmedia]

im here to recommend two anime starring milfs. . one is moribito guardian of the spirit which is just a really well told story with an enjoyable grounded texture to its fantasy worldbuilding and i love what its doing with its extremely competent middle aged spear warrior woman protagonist. she has like a malewife love interest which i also support for her. second is michiko to hatchin which stars an also competent but like somewhat more unstable woman.

(2/2) core of that story is her really tender yet complex relationship with this girl she semi kidnapped semi rescued from her abusive home life for her own ends. i’m postulating that you may like this based on your fondness for trucy and phoenix. director said she wanted worn out office ladies returning home to be able to ‘have a beer and watch it’ which i love and im really fascinated by how she went from directing this to directing yuri on ice, a huge downgrade in my eyes.

thank you for the milf recommendations. as much as i love anime about fun little girls, anime about Adult Women is always a treat. i havent heard of moribito before! mitchiko to hatchin has been on my radar for awhile but mostly because ive seen some great looking gifs of it and had NO idea what is about, but you're doing a good job selling it to me. ill add these to the list

[delicatemusickingdom]

Book 2 Part 3 Chapter 1.2

Chapter 1.2

“Did you hear the rumours about the ‘Dark Wings’?” 

“Oh? How many years has it been since I last heard that name? I thought for sure they had quit the thieving business.” 

“The economy’s been doing well lately. Lots of people have lots of stuff worth stealing.” 

Yuri overheard the adults talking, and mulled over what that meant. 

The ‘Dark Wings’ only took action in situations when there was no other option left — that was what the person in question once said. 

He hadn’t heard of anything serious happening in the lower quarter recently. No one was seriously ill or up to their ears in debt, and in any case, no one in the lower quarter was in a situation so serious that they were beyond everyone’s help — as far as he knew, anyway. Of course, Yuri didn’t think that he was aware of everything that occurred in the lower quarter, but if there really was someone in such dire straits, it was hard to imagine not hearing any news about that at all. 

But the ‘Dark Wings’ had been active even before Yuri discovered their true identity. Just like how they had once tried to save Flynn’s mother, Norein, there must have been other people like her in the past, and even now, there could be people out there who needed help. People that Yuri didn’t know about, in places where he couldn’t see. 

Or maybe there was another reason for it. Yuri was curious, but he didn’t try to speculate any further. He didn’t think his guess would be correct anyway. However, the restless feelings inside of him showed no signs of subsiding. 

Good grief. Yuri got up. It’ll be the easiest if I ask the person in question directly. And if that doesn’t answer the questions I have, then it will be pointless to do anything further anyway. 

****

“I thought you’d given up a long time ago.” 

Jiri had taken a look at Yuri’s gaze and immediately guessed what was going on, and said. 

“……I didn’t come here to ask to become your apprentice this time, okay?” 

Jiri raised an eyebrow, but said nothing in return. 

The ‘Dark Wings’ was the infamous chivalrous thief of the Imperial Capital Zaphias, who only targeted the houses of wealthy people. But their true identity was someone Yuri saw and interacted with on a daily basis — Grandma Jiri. A little while after Yuri discovered this fact, whenever he had the chance, he would go to her — when there was no one else around — and beg her to take him on as her apprentice. 

Yuri had been born and raised in the lower quarter, and he had witnessed the unfairness of society, starting with the Imperial Knights and continuing on to a long line of other injustices. He didn’t feel that much of an animosity towards thieves. There was the premise that the other party was the one carrying out this ‘unfairness’, but he didn’t object to the act in and of itself. However, what he disliked even more than that, was receiving help or favours from someone one-sidedly. He couldn’t settle with being relegated to such an uneven position. 

Besides — though this was something he’d never utter aloud — the thought of being able to get one over those high and mighty people on the ‘other side of the wall’ was a very satisfying one. 

He didn’t discuss this with Flynn at all, because he knew it would only lead to a fight. 

Ever since they first learned of the true identity of the ‘Dark Wings’, Flynn looked like he was always thinking about it deep within his heart. Flynn’s strong sense of ethics was something Yuri couldn’t understand — or it was better to say it was something Yuri couldn’t share with him. It was strong enough that the fact that his mother could have been saved through illegal means, and that it was precisely because of that that she had rejected that salvation and chosen to die instead, had nearly torn Flynn apart.

There was the letter left by his mother, the way Jiri and the others treated him after that, and most importantly, the fact that the ‘Dark Wings’ had stopped all activities after that. As a result, there weren't many opportunities for the topic to be brought up as often in conversation, and it looked like the storm raging inside of him had calmed down, at least on the surface. 

Since then, Flynn had behaved cheerfully, leaving a favourable impression on many people just as he had before his mother’s death. He definitely wasn’t faking it — there was no doubt that that was his true face, and not a false mask. But whenever the topic of the ‘Dark Wings’ or matters related to the public order came up in conversation from time to time, he would show a stubborn reaction. And that showed that he still hadn’t sorted out his feelings on the matter. He was too pure to accept the idea for a necessary evil. 

Yuri didn’t feel that need to draw a clear line between good and evil. So he avoided bringing up the topic in conversation, and Flynn didn’t bring it up either. 

Putting the feelings of Yuri and Flynn aside, Jiri stubbornly refused to agree to Yuri’s request. Naturally, Yuri protested. He argued with her, saying if Jiri could do it, why couldn’t he? First of all, it was for the sake of the lower quarter… and so on. He even carelessly let slip something about her skills declining because of her old age and got punched for it, but even so, Yuri didn’t give up in the slightest. Granted, he wasn’t skilled enough to be up to the task, but everyone had to start somewhere. If she taught him, he’d learn, and surely he’d be of use to her—

Jiri refused to listen to a single word of his rambling excuses. Even when he told her he was willing to negotiate his terms, her answer remained a flat refusal. 

“Have you forgotten about the day of your ‘River Escapade’?”

When asked why her answer was a no, Jiri finally spoke up. 

‘River Escapade’. To Yuri, those words were akin to a critical blow. It referred to a day back when he was a young boy. It was a day when he had experienced many things — when he fully realised his own foolishness, and his lack of strength. 

Yuri couldn’t say anything more, and from then on, he never asked to be her apprentice again. That being said, even though he understood what Jiri was trying to say, he couldn’t fully accept it. He felt like she was belittling him. It was as if she was saying, It’s impossible for you. In that sense, he couldn’t understand her reasoning at all. 

Anyway, as Yuri said earlier, the reason he had come looking for Jiri this time wasn’t to ask to be her apprentice.  

“Didn’t you say that the ‘Dark Wings’ only takes action in situations when there’s no other option left? Is there someone out there that’s in that much trouble?” 

If there is, I’ll do something to help out. Yuri spoke as if to imply those words, but even then Jiri’s expression didn’t change.  

“There are exceptions. Didn’t I tell you, there are times when I do it to confuse the Knights?” 

“Wasn’t that to distract them away from something? If there isn’t anyone causing any harm, then why are you doing it?” 

“That’s what I want to know too.” 

“……What?” 

Still keeping that stone-like expression on her face, Jiri gazed past Yuri, staring at something that couldn’t be seen from where they were. Following her line of sight, far beyond that, should lie the middle and upper levels of the Imperial Capital. The ‘other side of the wall’. 

“I can’t help but feel like it will be needed very soon, for real this time. You should pray that my intuition is wrong.” 

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