#that reading was traumatic and day 3 post break up so i felt like a lunatic and couldn’t stop crying

[777heavengirl]

hi i’m alive ; this is a visual summary (with pics from my camera roll) of the past few weeks of my life!

missed u guys xoxo

[lucysarah-c]

Second question!

(sorry for the delay, work got in the way >___> Once again, there is absolutely no rush to reply to these <3 Especially because I know I will make a mess of this ask in particular lol) I think you mentioned in one of your previous posts that you think Levi would very much be of the opinion "my past is my own, and just because we are together does not mean you are entitled to know it". Or something on those lines.

Now, imagine Levi and Y/N have been together for a while and, despite not pressing him, she has made clear that she is interested in where he comes from, in understanding "all of him". Do you thin Levi would still be tight-lipped about his past? Or do you see him randomly dropping things whenever he feels comfortable, like he told Nifa about Kenny?

And finally... do you think he would ever talk voluntarily about Furlan and Isabel? How would that conversation go? And, how do you see Levi replying to Y/N saying somethig like "I think they would be proud to see how far you got"?

That's it, I promise my questions should be done for a while uahahaha I know I did it in my previous ask, but thank you very much for taking the time to read these and for the patience you have when replying to all of us and for putting up with the fandom in general! I wish you a lovery day Lucy and I send you a heartfelt hug <3

Hi, Feris! It's always a pleasure to see you in my inbox, sweetie <3

I love it when I have clear answers for asks, haha. I think Levi would first start by casually dropping little details about his life. Like, maybe one day they’re both lying in bed, and she’s playing with his hair when she notices a scar on his head. She could ask about it, and Levi would just go, “Oh, that? It’s from when Farlan and I stole our first 3DMG. It was so broken that even after I tried to fix it, it went berserk. I hit the corner of a roof and left blood everywhere, haha. But Farlan couldn’t stop laughing long enough to help me—the idiot.”

I imagine Levi doing this a lot—sharing the most heartbreaking stories like they’re funny memories. And she’d be there like, “…sweetie, that’s actually traumatizing and sad.” I feel like, as you mentioned, he’d drop these things randomly when he felt comfortable enough.

This next part is based on personal experience since one of my parents is really secretive about their life. I don’t think Levi would avoid talking about Farlan or Isabel, even on a daily basis. If he’s comfortable with her, I feel like he’d bring them up in conversation more often than we might expect. But I don’t see him sitting down to explain everything in detail, you know? Like, Levi wouldn’t act like they never existed or try to hide them, and the same goes for his mother or Kenny. He might mention them casually in conversations, but I don’t think he’d willingly go through the vulnerability of talking in-depth about the experience of losing them. If that makes sense?

Levi’s past would be like a puzzle she’d slowly piece together. He’s the type of partner who would share the most character-defining story on a lazy Sunday while making pancakes, all because something in the moment reminded him of it, as if it were nothing.

As for the comment you suggested Y/N make, I think he’d definitely be touched by it. He’d probably go quiet for a moment, breaking eye contact as he tries to process the feeling. Then, in a quiet voice, he’d murmur, “Thank you. But I’d still prefer it if they were here… those idiots.” Softly, almost under his breath. If they were close, maybe he’d squeeze her hand or rest his forehead against hers for a moment while he gathered himself, not wanting to show too much vulnerability.

Thank you so much for all your sweet comments, T-T! Truly, I appreciate them. Sending you a big, tight hug back!

[daynascullys]

☁️

I’m so tired. The thing about being hospitalized is that it wasn’t some abrupt crisis that escalated quickly. The entire week built up to the crisis and I remember it so vividly. That week is burned into my brain and the whole thing is hard.

October 6 was a Sunday. I saw Idina for the last time that week with my friend who had been staying with me that week.

October 7 I had class and work, then I went to dinner with my friend who left that night.

October 8 I had therapy before my friend and I went to see Anastasia. Someone in the cast reminded me of Bernadette Peters, which made me hyperfixate on Bernadette, my then-therapist. I freaked out about the attachment.

October 9 Bernadette wanted to talk on the phone because whatever message I sent the night before during my freak out was a little alarming. I was on my bed crying for 3 hours. She called between clients and spent a total of at least two hours on the phone with me. My friend spent the night with me and Bernadette emailed my emergency contact to let her know what was going on.

October 10 was a Thursday. I saw my emergency contact and made it through most of the day. Then I went home and was again inconsolable. The same friend babysat me again.

October 11 I went to classes and work and cried literally every moment in between. I cried between classes, I called Bernadette and left messages, I went home and cried and cried and finally called my emergency contact. None of us had been able to reach Bernadette. She had to follow my safety plan and would call the team if I didn’t go to the ER willingly. I went thinking they’d scoff at me and be like “you’re fine, you said you aren’t going to hurt yourself, go home,” and then I’d be home again but I’d have appeased everyone. They put me on an involuntary hold and literally no one involved was surprised except me.

October 12 they transferred me to the psych ward. My sister got engaged and I felt guilty about ruining it. I spent the day mostly crying and sleeping. Bernadette called. I begged her to convince the psychiatrist to sign off on ending the hold since I wouldn’t be alone. I had to manage not to lose it with the psychiatrist but I did it. I’ll never forget the brief exchange I had with a boy who was being admitted as I was discharged, the sadness we both shared.

I literally went straight from the psych ward to my sister’s engagement celebration and I did what I do so well.

And maybe it wouldn’t have been so traumatic if not for the aftermath, but then my worst nightmare came true. The reason I had always refused help—Bernadette left. I didn’t process any of the hospital for almost two years because we went straight into the grief and regret and anguish of loss and my worst fears coming true.

Five years on, I’m doing better, I really am. I worked through a lot of it after a couple years, but it truly is one of those markers. There’s a me before that happened, and I mourn her sometimes. It’s not something I can fully articulate, but I’m not the same. My heart breaks for that girl. I’m also a better therapist because I worked through this. But this year is especially hard. I feel heavy, I want to cry and cry but am also so numb, I miss Bernadette more than I remember her, and I’m angry that I’ve started to heal from the loss because it was all I had left connecting me to the time I did have with her (the best year of my life, truly).

Maybe I’ll delete this, it’s essentially just a journal. But I sometimes struggle with journaling because I need to know someone read it, someone heard me. I feel just as alone when I write down my thoughts if they aren’t shared. Even though I’ll be horrified by sharing them.

And… that’s what’s going on. The SI is worse, unsurprisingly. I wonder if it really matters that I’m here. Would you notice if I stopped posting? Or maybe you’d notice because I post a lot, so then the question is would it matter? Would anyone remember me or miss me?

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

Might one day make some posts on some headcanons about the IFs previous lives, but since I shared my headcanon in a couple posts that IFs were originally humans, I thought I'd get a little dark here and share my headcanons on how each IF in the movie probably died in their past lives xD

CW: Some of these deaths might get a little disturbing, so proceed with caution..... or don't read if certain ways to die are too much for you to read about.

Calvin- Was likely a circus performer in his past life. He was a tightrope walker, but somehow he slipped on the line which caused him to fall to his death, dying as soon as he hit the ground

Blue- A baker who ran a beloved small business in his past life, but one day his shop was robbed by a couple of bank robbers. When he tried to reason with the robbers, he ended up being shot in the head

Lewis- Probably had the least traumatic of everyone's deaths, having died peacefully of old age before one day finding himself reincarnated as a giant teddy bear. He was actually a priest in his life as a human, but after his kid forgot him in his current life, he received what he felt was a calling from God to start a home for IFs looking for a new after after their kids forgot them. (A/N: I'm not really religious, but parts of religion have always fascinated me, so I like to incorporate it into my work if I think it fits a specific story)

Blossom- Was a ballerina in her past life, and one that was adored all throughout Europe, but one day during a performance, she slipped somehow and ended up falling off the stage, breaking her neck and dying on impact.

Art Teacher and Star- They were both lovers in their past lives together, somewhere in the 80s. Art Teacher was an artist of course, and Star was a musician that played local shows in Illinois. They lived together and were going to get married, but one day a group of home invaders broke into their house to rob them, Star getting severely beaten and stabbed as Art tried to save her, but the latter ended up thrown out of a window from their apartment that was about 3 stories high up..... Art died from the fall, and Star later died in the hospital from her wounds. (A/N: if you've seen The Crow, yes, that movie inspired me for this. Not the new one thar just came out, the original one with Brandon Lee)

Sunny- Was a therapist in his past life, but despite all the help he gave to his patients, he suffered from severe depression and had no one to talk to about his own issues..... He ended up losing his battle to his demons and taking his own life in his office.

Cosmo- Was a cop in his past life, and when he ended up helping to save a group of kids from a hostage situation, he ended up taking multiple bullets from the criminal he was after, dying from all his wounds.

Pop- A woman in her past life who worked in an office and suffered severe social anxiety. She was mugged one day in the streets and ended up being stabbed after having all her valuables stolen.

Uni- A cheerful woman in her past life who worked with kids and always got joy out of what she did, but sadly she died in a hospital of a terminal illness

Spaceman- Was an actual astronaut in his past life that one day was boarding a rocket ship to head to space with his crew..... but a malfunction in the ship caused it to explode before take off, killing everyone on board.

Ted the ice cube- Somehow got stranded out in a desert island, likely spent hours walking in a wasteland to find help, only to eventually die of thirst and heat exhaustion.

Banana- Was someone who always loved exercise, went out running almost every day.... He lived in Florida though, and one day he got too close to a lake on one of his jogs and got mauled by an alligator.

Steven the slime- Died by drowning in his hometown of Spokane

Marshmallow- Burned to death when he got caught up in a fire

Octocat- Was a professional marine biologist who went scuba diving under the water for her work.... Sadly she ended up losing her life under water when an octopuss got spooked by her and managed to strangle her to death

Magician Mouse- A Magician who performed in Las Vegas, he decided to have one of his shows feature a snake..... but sadly that snake bit and immediately killed him on the stage with its venom.

Andromedus III- An author who wrote ghost stories and medival stories, but he died of a heart attack before finishing the final book of his most recent series

Guardian Dog- An actor who was starring in a superhero movie, but production was canceled after a prop weapon somehow ended up actually killing him on the set on accident

Ally- A professional wildlife expert, she went into a swamp in Australia for her studies, only to be mauled to death by a Crocodile

Gummy- A woman in her past life that ran a candy shop, but she had a lonely life that caused her to turn to binge eating sugar for comfort at night.... this ended up being the cause of her death when all the sugar in her system eventually caused her to go into a diabetic coma and die.

Robot- A technician who worked endlessly to make technology that he hoped would change the world for the better instead of being used to make humans more dependent on technology and be another victim of corporate greed..... He had an invention that he was certain would help others, of which the invention and its functions remains unknown..... but whatever it was was enough for his higher ups in the company he worked for to have him shot and killed so they could take all the credit.

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

[waltwhitmansbeard]

a my fair lady playlist

a year ago today i posted the first chapter of my fair lady, which was supposed to be a little thing that i just needed to get out of my head after reading @romeoandjulietyouwish's for the love of a princess. 144 chapters and one year of obsession later, what i got is my biggest writing project to date. it was also my first real foray into the cr fandom, which has since become, frankly, the biggest part of my life, and i'm just endlessly grateful to each of you who read and interacted with mfl in any way. i'm so lucky to have gotten to share this with all of you.

so to celebrate, i have assembled a way-too-long playlist inspired by the events of mfl. the songs represent the moments and feelings that most stood out to me (or that i could find an appropriate song for, lol). it was fun trying to remember everything that happened (as of rn the entire fic is 450 pages in google docs so...there's a lot) and piece together the story through song. i've written a little blurb to justify each choice in the cut below, but you can listen to the playlist on spotify here! thanks again for sticking around!

1. "My Fair Lady" - KALEO as the song from which i took all the titles for the series, i couldn't not start off with this one. i can't even hear this song now without thinking of mfl.

2. "Security" - Joss Stone since this is a song about being there for a friend in a time of crisis, i thought it was the perfect choice for the beginning of keyleth and percy's lifelong friendship. percy showed up in zephrah traumatized and barely holding it together, and keyleth was the rock that kept him from collapsing.

3. "Best of Friends" - Pearl Bailey marisha put this one on one of her keyleth playlists to represent keyleth and percy, and she was right! is there any better song for those two growing up as best friends?

4. "Fountain" - Sara Lov keyleth grew up under the shadow of her mother's loss and the pressure of a nation's expectations. someone give this child a BREAK!

5. "Uptown Girl" - Billy Joel oh, you think this is about vax and keyleth? WRONG. percy is an uptown girl and vex is his downtown man coming to shake his world.

6. "Stay Awake" - London Grammar how many nights did keyleth and vax stay up with the moon, learning to love each other? who did they become with no one but the shadows and each other to watch them grow?

7. "goodnight n go" - Ariana Grande this song just gives me such intense vex vibes. she wants so bad to get percy out from under her skin but no dice, he's there to stay.

8. "Foolish Thing" - Darren Criss vax knows that he absolutely cannot be catching feelings for the princess for any number of reasons. but that doesn't stop him from being a dumbfuck in love!

9. "Sacrilege" - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs keyleth knows that she absolutely cannot be catching feelings for her guard for any number of reasons. but that doesn't stop her from being a dumbfuck in love!

10. "You Get Me" - Michelle Branch even though she grew up royalty, keyleth never felt like she fit in in her own world. she was always different, out of place. but vax sees her strange edges and knows the shape they make.

11. "Dreams" - Caroline Glaser keyleth is down bad! she can't sleep without vax there, and vax is more than happy to reassure her that she's it for him.

12. "Take Me to Church" - Hozier this is my pick for some night just seem forever lasting, because if there's one thing vax is gonna do it's worship on his knees at keyleth's altar.

13. "Holy" - King Princess keyleth is busy with a nation and a war but she has time at the end of the day to fuck her man, and that's what really matters.

14. "Into You" - Ariana Grande this one is for the true sluts of the castle, vex and percy. stay horny, you absolute lovesick fools.

15. "River of Tears" - Alessia Cara just absolute depression and forlorn longing from vax and keyleth both when they're forced to be apart. drama queens, the both of them.

16. "The Lightning Strike (Part I: What If This Storm Ends?)" - Snow Patrol remember that time keyleth summoned lightning and used it to strike a bunch of attackers dead? so do i, and so does vax. it was his first time being confronted with the possibilities of the wild power she wields, and it definitely isn't something he was ever going to forget.

17. "Rich Youth" - Hayley Kiyoko keyleth and tiberius were both raised in the shadow of powerful fathers, and they came together to advocate for a future that represents the nations they want to lead.

18. "My Immortal" - Evanescence thank you to @ravendruid for the suggestion! does anything say vaxleth more than melodramatic longing? this song is for all the lingering heartbreak as they tried (and ultimately failed) to stay apart for so long.

19. "I Don't Mind" - Darren Criss one of my favorite pieces of writing from mfl was keyleth's proposal to vax. he's so convinced that she'd be better off without him, and all she wants to do is convince him that he's worth all the trouble waiting them.

20. "Love Story" - Taylor Swift forgive me for adding taylor swift to this list but you gotta admit, it's very appropriate for the vaxleth wedding.

21. "Dancing in the Rain" - Johannes Bornlöf let me be indulgent! this is the song i picked to play while reading the wedding chapter, so ofc it makes the list.

22. "The Deal" - Mitski thank you to @crispysnake for the suggestion! i mean, this is absolutely vax carrying his dead wife's body beneath the castle and striking a deal with the raven queen to bring her back. it's like it's what the song was written for.

23. "Castle" - Halsey just big keyleth charging to the throne room to demand her father release vax energy with this one.

24. "Growing, Growing, Gone" - Theo Katzman korrin was confronted very suddenly with the reality that his little girl wasn't a little girl anymore. she has a whole life ahead of her that is outside of him, and that's hard for a dad to come to terms with.

25. "Kiki (feat. Iron and Wine)" - Rett Madison y'all, the way i SCREAMED when i first heard this song on rett's new album!!! i just imagine vilya trying to reach out to keyleth, to let her know that she's been watching and of course, of course she's proud of her, of course she approves of vax, of course she wants nothing more than for her baby girl to happy.

26. "Wildflowers (Tom Petty Cover)" - Miley Cyrus this song makes me thing of the little cottage on the hill, and of korrin's wish for his daughter to have a place where she feels free. he knows that the castle has never really felt like her home, and so he gives her and her new husband a place they can build a home for themselves.

27. "Bubbly" - Colbie Caillat this song is just the pinnacle of happy love. it's vax and keyleth waking up in their bed, in their house, in their love's arms. it's happiness.

28. "Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5 remember that time vex was like "this was fun but i gotta go home" and percy was like "but what if i was home?" and fluttered his lashes like a harlot? me too.

29. "Family Tree" - Matthew West pending fatherhood is terrifying, especially when your own father is a sack of shit. of course vax would doubt his own ability to be for his child what syldor couldn't be for him and vex.

30. "A Woman's Work" - Kate Bush the definitive anthem for women creating life. keyleth is a goddess for so many reason but especially for making a literal person.

31. "Dear Theodosia" - Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton just DAD feelings up in this bitch! vax is a dad and korrin is a dad and percy (eventually) is a dad! also there's a new nation coming just around the corner! the perfect song!

32. "Brother Run Fast" - KALEO to me, this song represents vax and percy's understanding that the horrors of percy's past are coming for vax's present, and the two of them will stop at nothing to fix what was broken. they are both desperate for forgiveness they do not need, and they are both determined to keep the other on course.

33. "Yours & Mine" - Lucy Dacus imagine telling keyleth of the air ashari to sit at home while her family and friends venture out to save her daughter's life. IMAGINE!

34. "Trials - Demo" - London Grammar what is keyleth and vax's relationship if not an endless gauntlet of trials from which they must continually find their way back to each other?

35. "Delilah" - Florence + the Machine this song is just...everything. it's delilah and sylas. it's cass and the ghosts of the castle she's caged in. it's vilya, crying out for her mother. it's keyleth, coming to kick ass with a daylight spell. it's percy, reclaiming what was his all along.

36. "Show Me the Way" - Styx vax went THRU IT during gocmh, and his turning to the raven queen was a move of absolute desperation. he needed his matron's guidance not only to get his daughter back, but to put the pieces of his life back together.

37. "Glory and Gore" - Lorde what can i say? vox machina fucks shit up.

38. "Work Song" - Hozier percy may die twice but that ain't gonna stop him from simping for vex.

39. "Happiness" - The Fray this song is about happiness, but it has such a melancholic sound to it, which really works for baby vilya's return to zephrah. yes she's home, which is an immense relief, but she's brought home to a tragedy. nothing is simple.

40. "Kingdom of One" - Maren Morris hey vallen: get fucked.

41. "Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" - Billy Joel this is, to me, the ultimate father-daughter song, and in the context of mfl it makes me think of the unfinished letter keyleth found in her father's room after his death. just a reminder that even after someone dies, their love for those they leave behind never will.

42. "Starts With Goodbye" - Carrie Underwood i don't know what it's like to fundamentally reshape the structure of an entire nation in order to secure a more stable future for your child, but i imagine it feels like this!

43. "Matchstick" - American Royalty thank you to @ravendruid for the suggestion! sometimes self-care is setting the man who murdered your parents and helped kidnap your daughter on fire.

44. "Chords" - The Amazing Devil parents play such a big part in the story of mfl. the absence of keyleth's mother, the fact that her father is also a king, korrin being a father to percy, the twins confronting the father they fled, and of course, vaxleth and perc'ahlia becoming parents themselves. if there's anything they can take away from all of the heartbreak, it's wanting the best for their children, at the cost of everything else.

45. "Everywhere, Everything" - Noah Kahan had to end on some noah kahan in order to keep @crispysnake from gnawing at the bars of their enclosure. again, just the absolute vaxleth melodrama of "wanna love you til we're food for the worms to eat, til our fingers decompose." disgusting. i love them so much.

[jaegerisim]

Vent post

there are several tw so heed the tags! if you do not want to read this pls scroll past! <3

i've been an abusive on and off relationship for the last 2 years.

the guy is a year older than me and we first started dating 4 months after we'd first met. it was shortly after i was raped.

so, i was still traumatized. i did not want to kiss him or get physical. he began to emotionally manipulate me, until i agreed to kiss him and officially date him. he told me it would be a simple kiss. it wasn't. he began to make out with me and i was like "ok. fine. i can do this" but then he began to take my clothes off. i told him to stop. that i didn't want to continue he told me he wouldn't hurt me. that he loved me and wanted what was best for me. for us. i said nothing and reluctantly had sex with him.

2 days later he started an argument over me having spent 4 hours eating with my friends when i initially said it would only take 2 hours. i cried. he cried too. i felt bad bc he said that he was only looking out for me and was worried for me. i naïvely believed him. i felt like i was the bad guy. like i was the one who had done something wrong. i apologized and he forgave me.

3 days later he asked for some space (we'd only been dating for 5 days). i accepted and believed he would txt me after he'd felt like enough time had passed.

a month later he blocked me. i spent the whole night crying in a panic attack wondering what i'd done wrong.

3 days after he'd blocked me, he unblocked me and sent 19 texts calling me a slut, a whore, a freak, a bitch, a cunt. said he'd never loved me and only wanted me for the sex and my body. that he loved another girl. i immediately blocked him.

i spent the next 2 months in a depression and constant state of anxiety. i self harmed and was irritable. i isolated myself from my friends and family.

i saw him again when the uni year started. he told me he loved me and wanted me back. i ignored him the first 2 months. the third month, he began to flirt with a bunch of sorority girls and spread shit about me. these girls harassed me, both online and in real life, for 5 months. i began to date a new guy that was sweet and loving. my abuser began to bully him, until the guy eventually dumped me and even left uni. i fell into another depression.

my abuser came to me and said he was sorry for everything. that it wouldn't happen again. that he wanted me back, that he loved me. he bullied the girls and drove them to commit suicide.

i told him to go to therapy. he got diagnosed with bpd, sociopathy, psychopathy, ptsd and major depression. he was on all sorts of medication. after that we began to date again and he said he wanted me to keep us quite. i naïvely agreed. then he asked for marriage. i accepted and told my family about us. they weren't happy but said nothing bc they saw that i was happy.

we stopped seeing each other when my family and i went on holidays. he didn't call or text. said it was bc he had lost my phone number when his phone feel down the stairs and broke (his "new" phone looks exactly the same as his "old" one). my family told me to break up with him. i argued with my family but they eventually let me keep dating him.

2 weeks after we'd seen each other again, a friend texts me and says that he (a senior) was caught hitting on a freshman. i cried and threw up, but i broke up with him. he begged me to not break up with him. i didn't budge.

now a week later, he is calling me a stalker, a bitch, a slut while stalking me and my gf. he follows me home. he takes pictures of me. he has manipulated underclassmen into stalking me for him.

idk what to do atp. i feel horrible and i feel dirty and disgusting.

[sttoru]

i thought tumblr cracked down on actual p**rn ;-;

ALSOOOO t/w pee/omorashi/adult diapers (please feel free to ignore this, it's kinda funny tho and a little traumatising)

i was scrolling through fics once, and i stumbled across i think it was a sero fic but back then i had NO idea what omorashi was and i deadass thought it was that japanese omlette over rice thing. thought it was a little weird they t/w it but i looked past it. but anyways im reading reading reading and then all of a sudden sero pees on everyone when he's on this zipliner thing at a funfair and when i tell you. i was shick shack shook. i didnt know wtf i just read and i think i actually cried. i couldnt read sero fanfics for a while after that. i still didnt get what omorashi was (being the dumb bitch i was) so i stupidly decided to search it up and i felt sick i wanted to throw up. why are there grown adults in nappies ;-; i was too scared to pee or shit for the next 2/3 days because i was genuinely that traumatised. i'm not going to kinkshame, like you do what you wanna do as long as you're not harming anyone, but there's no need to post you peeing on this app pls. leave that for twitter or something idkkkk. you best believe i blocked all those tags and more after i took a longgggg break from tumblr

HELLO ????, what did i JUST REAAAAADDSD 😭😭😭 anon pleaseeeeee the way u still remember this in details goodnightttttt 😟 . mustve been quite traumatic LOLLLL just reading about ur experience makes me shudder already YIKESSSSSS

[coccyodynia]

things:

four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use

for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time

i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol

frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive

i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that

i still really really struggle with relapses

and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months

but i am trying

my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it

anyway moving on to other topics

i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months

it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess

i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking

and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way

the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot

he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment

meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever

ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday

right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh

since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week

im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case

like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc

but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at

like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time

im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much

growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently

in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic

about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder

i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed

but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift

it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh

anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon

i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post

[businessconsiderations]

Recap of *Stay Sane in an Insane World*

The book--subtitled How to Control the Controllables and Thrive--by University of Michigan sports psychologist, Greg Harden, influencer of Tom Brady, Michael Phelps, Desmond Howard and more

It's short, easy to read, broken up into 37 chapters, interspersed with testimonials from his disciples that reinforce points Harden makes in the chapters.

I read the book in spurts over about a month or so--highlighting and dogearing along the way--stopping to reflect on its key points a few times, sharing its wisdom with my wife and kids a few times.

I then left it on the ottoman for a month or so, knowing I wanted to digitize my notes, summarize its lessons to memorialize it in my brain, but I felt like reading other things. So I did, I read two other books over the next month, but Stay Sane kept staring at me. So over the last few days, I typed up my highlights in my note-taking app and will do my best to summarize here.

A lot of its message feels obvious and trite, but like I've written earlier, I'm not living in this obvious and trite way that would substantially improve my life, which makes me think its message feels deep and profound.

In its penultimate chapter, he lists 7 things to remember, which I list below. I then attempt to pigeonhole my notes into 7 sections based on those 7 things. Most of the remainder of this post are quotes or near-quotes from the book with a few paraphrases thrown in.

Greg's key message is 7 things:

Become an expert on yourself - so you can become the best version of yourself

Control the controllables - it's right there in the subtitle, you are the only person with control on your mind, i.e. your thoughts and feelings...a combination of the "focus on what you can control" conventional wisdom with a little Adlerian psychology mixed in

Practice relentlessly - giving 100% effort, you'll outwork and wear down the average people

Commit to improving your life - make incremental improvements, maintain those incremental improvements, move on to the next one, Albert Camus in theory, James Clear in practice

Stop being afraid - courage is facing your fear

Love and accept yourself - replace your self-defeating attitudes with self-supporting attitudes

Be your own best friend

1. Become an expert on yourself

Resolve your trauma, let go of your baggage, prove it yourself that you did so by i) being able to talk about it without returning to the original emotion state you were in when traumatized, ii) clearly articulating what you did to overcome it, and iii) identify how the experience made you stronger.

Forgive your parents for not being perfect. If not for their sake, then for yours. This is one of the keys to mental health.

Expose your psychic vampires into the light, the things from the past that are holding you back. If you really want to become the person you've dreamed of becoming, you have to destroy your psychic vampires and break their hold on you mind, body and spirit. This will take bravery.

If you believe in yourself it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

2. Control the controllables

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. They can create conditions to make you more likely to feel that way, but they can't force you to feel that way. It's your choice, they can't have power over you unless you give them permission.

You are the only person with control over your own mind.

Tom Brady says focus on the positive and face your challenges with a enthusiasm.

Be assertive, value yourself, communicate with i) confidence, ii) clarity and iii) calmness.

3. Practice relentlessly

Think back to a time you went into an extra gear to accomplish something. Now imagine making that your permanent level of effort. That's what makes a champion.

Give 100% effort, 100% of the time. If you commit to this mindset, on your worst day you'll be better than an average person on their best day.

Tom Brady says obstacles are an advantage, because most people will back down in the face of obstacles. So if you keep a good attitude and push through, the obstacle actually helped you by getting your competitors out of the way.

Desmond Howard says you should always strive to get better at what you do. Never settle for good enough.

Opportunity will knock at some point. Make sure you have put yourself in the position to take advantage.

4. Commit to improving your life

Be humble and hungry to learn. Commit to the process of continuous self-improvement. Believe that you possess that special extra gear.

Your life belongs to you, and it's up to you to make the most if it. No one else can do this for you. Taking responsibility for your own life should be your highest priority.

Tom Brady say if you're not where you want to be in life, it's up to you to make it better. Your positivity and enthusiasm will help you toward your outcome.

5. Stop being afraid

If you believe in yourself, then there's only one way to change, you need to start doing everything different and stop caring about what anyone else thinks. If a coach believes in you, great. If not, don't get distracted by it. What you believe is all that matters.

It's not enough to dream big, you need to believe big.

How fun would it be to shatter everyone's expectations of you?

Desmond Howard says don't just be the best player on the field, be the most dominant. Think and behave that way, separate yourself from the rest.

Tom Brady says once apply a positive and enthusiastic mindset to all areas of your life, fear has nowhere to go.

Create your ideal self. Culture, media and politics is trying to program you, why not program yourself?

Get out of your own way. Those times when you were thinking nothing and having fun, that's when you were having the best games.

The best athletes have a short memory. When you make a mistake, give yourself permission to feel bad about it for a fraction of a second then get back to work. If you are someone that gets down on yourself after a setback, feeling sorry for yourself, how's that working out for you? Unless your objective is to be miserable, then stop beating yourself up, because the answer is it's not working for you.

Once you start to predict your self-doubt and fear, you can manage it.

6. Love and accept yourself

Your sport is not who you are, it's what you do. You will have an amazing life with our without your sport.

You can't let your self-worth be determined by the trappings of this world because those will ultimately fail you.

Ward Emanuel says it's important for young student athletes to understand at some point it could all be taken away from you.

You can't let your sport become a false god, or God will take it from you.

Love being an outlier, accept being one as a challenge, love being the person that broke the stereotype.

7. Be your own best friend

As you make these life changes, don't try to change anyone else. This project is between you and yourself.

You can rely on others for help sometimes, but you ultimately you have to rely on self-love and self-acceptance above all else. You have to be your own best friend.

To be a good teammate, you must believe in yourself first.

Summing it up

At then end of the chapter about psychic vampires, I wrote that mine is mediocrity. That I am mediocre. And if I step outside myself and take a risk, people will roll their eyes at me, I will be exposed as someone who is mediocre and in denial of my own mediocrity.

There was a worksheet in the middle of the book about what success looks like. I wrote some notes down one a separate piece of paper. Below are those notes...

My purpose is family, living long enough to see them thrive as adults, to meet my grandkids, doing interesting things along the way.

Success to me is good relationships with my wife and all three of my kids. After that, health: getting down to a better weight, more running. Then fun: travel, other. Then I wrote money with a colon too, but didn't write anything after the colon.

For measurable goals are wrote weight loss goals, running goals, money goals and family travel goals. I didn't write what those goals were. But I am already working toward a weight loss goal, 13 lb down, 8 more to go. I think it was Naval Ravikant that said the universe is good at giving you one thing, but only one. So maybe I can work on the other goals next, one at a time.

The self-defeating attitudes and behaviors holding me back from reaching my goals are i) I'm not good at networking, ii) making more money will require more/harder work and that's what killed my dad, and iii) life is boring without alcohol and unhealthy food.

Three things I will stop doing were i) drinking while weighing over 175 lb, ii) taking the easy way out at work, and iii) giving attention to things before my family, e.g. phone, computer.

Self-supporting attitudes and behaviors I want to cultivate are: people like me, I can make friends, I am fun not boring, and I can take steps to make more money.

Three things I will start doing, I wrote four: money/budgeting, weight loss/running, work development plan, family stuff. I didn't get specific

I am sort of meandering my way through a lot of that stuff. I could probably tighten a lot of this up and make my life better.

Like I wrote at the top, a lot of this is trite and obvious. The hard part is doing it.

[jesus-in-the-womb]

In response to your comforting from SA flashback for Eddie, I would like to ask if you could write a prequel (if you’re comfortable doing so) where the reader tells him about her trauma? If not, I understand, I’m just in the situation where I might have to tell someone in a situation like that soon and it would be comforting to know someone (Eddie) would be accepting and kind.

Hi Darling! I hope you are well and enjoying your day/night... I'll happily do a pt.2/prequel to 'Safe Haven'! I would, however, before I begin, like to give my own piece of advice not through my storytelling. If you ever find yourself in the situation of telling someone about your SA experience(s) and or PTSD, please make sure it's someone you can trust. If it's a SO, make sure that when you're comfortable enough, tell them trigger spots/words, it can really make or break a relationship when living with PTSD from SA. Stay safe, be patient, and be loving &lt;3 TW: MENTIONS OF SA, PTSD, LIGHTLY DESCRIPTIVE SA... please read with caution.

Fingertips grazed your skin, the pads trailing lightly down your body in a sensual manner. It felt good, erotic even, although it was meant to be a friendly touch of the waist. You'd befriended Eddie Munson nearly 2 years ago, spending almost every waking moment with the boy. He became someone you trusted wholeheartedly, with every bone in your body. You'd bet your life on the boy, let your soul dance in the palms of his hands in the face of danger. You knew he'd forever protect and care for you, no matter what.

So, when your best friend of two years, placed his palm on the small of your back, you instantly froze. Your body tensed, your stomach churning with nausea at his hand placement. Eddie, of course, noticed your displeasure, removing his hand and stepping away.

"Woah, hey. You okay," he cautiously asked, moving to stand in front of you, picking up on your distant eyes when they did waver, even as his chest obstructed the view of whatever you were staring at. He panicked when you began to hyperventilate, severely concerned for your well-being, "Y/N, what's wrong? What happened?" he'd never seen you like this, his body moving faster than his mind, placing a hand on your shoulder lightly, cupping your cheek softly with the other. He practically cooed sweet words into your face.

When you came too, you'd found yourself standing awkwardly in the middle of a parking lot, a Denny's parking lot to be precise. Your eyes went wide as you realized what had happened, an episode coming to you quickly without warning. You immediately began to apologize, practically begging your best friend to forgive you, he just stood there with a concerned stare, soaking in your teary eyes and heavy breaths.

"What was that?" he asked, genuinely never experiencing nor witnessing a PTSD episode.

"I-" you paused, honestly not even sure if and what you should tell him, deciding on being as honest as your words would let you, "can we go somewhere more private?" you would tell him, but privacy was something you ached for, not wishing to tell all of Hawkins, Indiana, about your traumatic experiences.

"Of course, come on." He fought tooth and nail with his own reflexes, trying his hardest not to wrap his arm around your form again.

You'd quickly followed him to his van, sitting in the passenger seat and deciding this was the best you would get when it came to privacy, placing your hand atop his; which was attempting to turn over his horrendous engine that had begun to sputter the second the fob turned.

"I have PTSD," you blurted, quickly realizing that he had no idea what the hell you were talking about, "it's- it stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I developed it a few years back, from something bad," he nodded, flipping his hand upside down to hole yours, offering a comforting squeeze for you to continue, "my dad had this work buddie," you trailed off, watching as his eyes widened a little before he began to focus again, choosing to speak when you had concluded.

"He touched me, did things to my body, u-used me." you let a sob tear through your throat, emotional pain igniting across your body, setting it alight with sufferance, "It's been years since this happened, but it's still a part of me. I have- have parts of my body that, if you, you know, touch a certain way, I guess, it takes me back to that place." you shrugged hoping this lackluster story would suffice in terms of answering the metalhead's questions.

He waited until he knew you were finished, gently squeezing your palm once more, "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I wish I would've known sooner, to know how to help you, but I know why you didn't tell me." as if reading your mind, he sent you a soft smile, wiping a tear from the apple of your left cheek.

"I won't let anything like that ever happen to you, ever again." his words were firm, a statement rather than a light announcement. You sniffled, grateful to have a friend like Eddie Munson. He made things like this easier to talk about, conversations that are meant to be awkward, he flipped them and made them feel as easy as reciting the ABCs. You were thankful for the breath of fresh air he offered, never taking it nor him for granted as he laid his heart out for you on a silver platter.

This was extremely hard for me to write. Although I feel as if this was a bit lackluster of an SA talk/ PTSD explanation, it was difficult for me to go into detail.... some things in this wrek, I genuinely relate to and it sucks that I do. Thank you for requesting something like this though, SA talks with loved ones is extremely difficult and hard to avoid. thank you for the support <3 love ya!

[tloujm]

Part XXXIII: Prenatal

Author’s Notes: Because I haven’t posted in a while, here’s another I happened to get ready in time.

Genre: Angst

Summary: There is a time jump between this and the last chapter. Last, the reader was at 15 weeks (4 1/2 months). Now the reader is around 24 weeks, the end of the second trimester. Joel has concern for you. It leaves a strain in the relationship as your behavior changes a bit. Mostly Joel and Tommy fluffy brotherly bonding.

Ship: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

“(Y/N).” Joel called your name a third time. He sat across from you at the kitchen island. Admittedly, you came to the second time he said your name, but ignored him in hopes that he’d give up. Your eyes finally blinked and gazed up at him. “Don’t forget to take these. You’ve been forgettin’ lately.” He tapped the napkin with your prenatal vitamins on them. He watched as you slowly reached out. “What’s on your mind, darlin’?”

You shrugged. Joel looked at you intently, so you knew he wanted an actual answer. “I just feel lethargic.”

“Wanna go back to bed? Nothin’ wrong with that.” He suggested sympathetically. 

You shook your head gingerly. “No, I just got up. If I go back, I don’t think I’ll be able to heave myself back up.”

He chuckled. “You are nowhere near that big.”

You just offered up a tiny grin. “I have things to do. I can’t go back to bed.”

“Wendy’ll understand.”

“And what about Ellie?” You questioned.

“She will too.” He shrugged. 

He’d grown to care for Ellie in a special way; a way reminiscent of how he softened up to you when the two of you trekked across the country or similar to how he cared for his own daughter. Despite that, you were his number one priority and if you felt burned out, he would rather you rest than work at the daycare. He knew it’s a high energy job. It was rare, but sometimes Ellie would require the most energy of all the kids. Joel could see how much strength was in that little girl for her to have endured as much as she had, but it was at the cost of traumatic stress. Joel was familiar with the territory, so he never backed down from the challenge to help her. It was always baby steps with her; some days were better than others. 

“Listen baby girl, you gon’ ahead and rest. I can’t cover your shift or anything but I can stop and see if Ellie wants to have dinner with us again. She might feel up to it. If not, I’ll just stay and sit with her.”

“No, it’s okay. Once I get outside and start walking around, I’ll be fine. I’ll tell her you said hi.”

His eyes bounced around your face to read it. “If you’re sure.” You nodded before getting up to put your plate in the sink. Joel stood up and slid it out of your hands so he could do it. “You be careful.”

“I know.”

“I mean it.” He said as gently as possible.

“I know you mean it.” You responded. He caught a twinge of annoyance in your voice.

“Now don’t start, (Y/N). I’m only lookin’ out for you. I just…I just need you to take it easy.”

“I’m fine. I mean it.” 

He let out a heavy sigh before walking in front of you. “Just do me a favor. Stay hydrated and if you start to feel tired, listen to your body and sit down. Tell Wendy you need a break.”

“That's technically three favors.” You joked dryly.

“Ha ha, ok, three favors. Just, baby,---”

“Take it easy?”

“Mmhmm” He hummed before pulling you closer to leave a kiss on your forehead. “Got your walkie?”

“Yup.” You took it out of your back pocket and waved it in his line of view. 

“Call me if you need me, darlin’.”

For the past few months whenever you’d leave the house first, Joel would stand by the living room window and watch you walk off until you turned the corner and were out of sight. It didn’t take long for you to catch on. You understood him being more clingy because of the baby, but sometimes you felt like it was too much and on the days that you didn’t struggle getting up for the day, you would try to sneak out so he wouldn’t do so. It took about 3-4 times before he caught on. It made him think about if he was overdoing it, but he couldn’t help but worry over you, especially since you were practically in your third trimester. 

*********

“Hey there, brother.” Tommy greeted Joel from the window.

“Y’alright if I come on up?” Joel shouted up to the guard tower.

“Ain’t nobody but me up here. Why don’t you keep me company for a bit.”

Joel nodded. “Alright.” He grunted a couple times while he climbed the ladder. Tommy opened the hatch to the door.

“Beer?” Tommy handed him an unmarked glass with slightly murky amber liquid.

“Who made this backwoods bottle of hooch?” Joel was suspicious after removing the cork.

“Me. New hobby I took up. Maria said I needed one. I told her keeping Jackson safe was mine, but that wasn’t enough for her.”

Joel swirled it around before taking a whiff. “I’m sure she’s just tryna look out for you.”

“Well, she said I need something to do to take my mind off of Jackson sometimes.”

 “When d’you start doin’ this?”

“Few months back.”

“And you just now tellin’ me?”

“I didn’t wanna say nothin’ just in case it didn’t come out good. Once I fine tune it, I might try and convince ‘em at The Hole to start offerin’ it.”

“Look at that, my baby brother found himself a callin’.”

“Quit the gushy talk and just try it.”

Joel began to put the bottle to his lips but stopped. “You first.” He quirked an eyebrow.

Tommy held up his almost empty bottle. “I’ve already dranken mine.”

“Mmhmm.” Joel hummed before taking an actual swig. It sat in his mouth for a moment to judge the flavor and body before swallowing. It was a unique taste for sure. There was no other direction for it to go but back out or down his throat. Finally, Joel swallowed followed by a fit of coughs. “Damn, brother! This an ale or malt liquor?”

Tommy chuckled before leaning back in his chair. “I like to think of each of the brews as my children. Each one is unique and develops their own personality as they age.”

“Is that what you’re gonna tell Seth down at The Hole? Gotta develop a recipe and choose which one you’re gonna go with.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Tommy considered.

“Pfft…maybe.” Joel chuckled while shaking his head. “Never gon’ listen to your big brother, are you?” He tried another tiny swig.

“Let’s not go down that road.”

“What are you doing up here anyway? You usually push your guard duties off on someone else.”

“I figured I should start leading by example for the new folks that just came in, even though I think it’s the most boring job in Jackson. I don’t know how this appeals to you.”

Joel chuckled again. “It don’t necessarily appeal to me. I just don’t find it borin’. It’s a time to contemplate and people watch and most importantly, do my job.” He kicked the younger brother’s leg so he could sit up straight and look out the window.

Tommy feigned annoyance. “So what brings you my way? In need of some advice from Dr. Thomas?”

“Can’t just come to visit my brother?”

“Well I know this ain’t one of them visits.” 

“How do you know?”

“I saw it on your face ‘fore you even climbed the ladder.” Tommy looked proud at his ability to read people.

“Is that so?” Joel quirked an eyebrow again. 

“Quite so. You had a face that said there was trouble in paradise.”

“There’d been trouble in paradise for a little while now.”

“Uh oh. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know, man. I just know most days she’s not happy anymore. Like today, she woke up in a mood. Before, I’d push her to open up to me and ask what was wrong, but that seemed to bother her more. I figured maybe I was being too pushy, so I give her more space now.”

“Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones?” Tommy suggested.

“I don’t know. I expected more crying than usual and weird cravings. I was prepared for that. I love that woman, Tommy. Do you think…she don’t trust me anymore? Am I too much?”

“No, Joel…I mean you can be, but,” Tommy sighed, struggling to figure out what to say next. “Look, I’m not in your relationship so I can’t really say anything on anything, but I know you two are meant to be together. It’s just a rough patch, I’m sure. Now, I may not be a father, but I do know that adding a baby into the mix when things aren’t settled will only put more stress on y’all, so I suggest trying to work it out before my little nephew comes.”

“We don’t know what it’s gonna be yet and what do you think I’ve been doing so far? She’s…she’s been slipping, Tommy, and I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Joel sighed, hating to think about what he was about to say. “She’d been doing little things that add up. Things that I’m afraid are putting our baby at risk.” 

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up. “Like what?”

“She’s stopped taking everything the doctor's given her, like the perinatal vitamins. I know they’re only vitamins, but out here they are a precious commodity. I have to physically put them in her hand and watch her take it or else she won’t. I count them in the bottle now. Same thing with her blood pressure meds. If she don’t take ‘em, Tommy, what if it turns into…uh…uh…Preeclampsia or somethin’. That could put both of ‘em at risk. I’m not losing them too, Tommy.”

“You won’t.” He tried to sound optimistic.

“The only medicine she’ll take is for her nausea.”

“She still gets that at this stage? Isn’t she in her third trimester now?”

“Next week she will be. The doctor said it was uncommon, but it could still happen this late. Laura makes her this herbal tincture that helps a lot. That she takes religiously.” Joel looked up at his brother. “You know she passed out ‘bout a week back?”

“Hold on, she passed out? Why didn’t you say nothin’?”

“Luckily, the doctor wasn’t too far away so we didn’t need a fuss made. But Tommy, I was so fuckin’ scared. I watched her…her body just go limp—”

“It’s alright, Joel, you don’t h—”

“Nah, it’s fine.” He tried to hide his sniffles. “She was too far away for me to catch her. Thank God she didn’t fall forward; she fell back on the high grass.”

“I can’t believe that happened.” Tommy muttered. 

“It was from dehydration. The doctor said that she is more susceptible to it with the heat and the vomiting and then, you know, sharing her nutrients with the baby. I make sure she drinks water around me, but she doesn’t have that glow like she did early on. I don’t wanna be paranoid, but I half expect to hear a call over the walkie saying that she passed out again. I try to get the doc to stop by and check on her more often, but he’s a busy man.” Joel sighed. “Looking back, she began doin’ all this about a month or two back. I shoulda seen it then.”

“You’re more aware now.”

“I wish she’d take it easy. She keeps going out to the daycare to work everyday. Last thing I want is for her to be on bed rest. I know that wouldn’t help her mood; Lord knows I hated it. Not that I want it to get to that point, but at least I’d have a better peace of mind knowing that she wasn’t over extending herself or the baby.”

“Wendy’ll look after her. Me and Maria can stop by more too and check on her and Ellie.” Tommy suggested to which Joel nodded. “‘Til then, still try to talk to her. She’s bottling something up for some reason. You just gotta figure it out.”

“Yeah…” Joel’s head hung low.

“When was the last time you did something nice for her?”

“All the time. I make her breakfast and bring her back dinner from The Hole. I used to pick her up, rub her feet and give her back massages, but she’s been more sensitive these days; she don’t like ‘em no more.”

“And who said chivalry wasn’t dead.” Tommy smirked.

Joel glared at him. “Just tell me what you recommend, doc.”

“Do something nice with her this time. Something you two can enjoy together. Maybe she feels too…” He tried to think of the right word. “Smothered.”

“Smothered?”

“You heard me. Maybe she feels that you are doing things for her as if she can’t do it on her own and it’s bothering her but she doesn’t know how to tell you. Allowing her to do something with you will give her a sense of purpose. Maybe that’s why she’s always at the daycare.” Joel continued to glare but more contemplatively than defensively. “But I could be wrong. Still, doesn’t hurt to try a little couples activity. Speaking of…”

“I’m not talking about my sex life with you.”

“It was only for professional, brotherly reasons.” Tommy defended.

“Alright, doc. Well how are you and Maria?”

With a shit eating grin that Maria would’ve smacked off of him, Tommy replied. “Oh we’re great!”

[aro-is-gay-af]

The Midnight of Despair | Volturi Kings x fem!reader | Part 2

Part 1 | Part 3

I advise you to read it first, as this post is the continuation. 

Yeah, there will be Part 3 for sure. As usual, sorry for gramatical confusion and/or any mistakes.

Love you all, thank you for 100 (!) notes under Part 1. 

Warnings: Rape, Depression, PTSD, Swear words, Forced Pregnancy

Word count: 6768

Summary: [Y/N] and Bella are childhood friends. They were always there for each other. [Y/N] had tough times and struggles with everyday life. Bella faces depression after Edward had left her. [Y/N] tries to get her going and alive. One day [Y/N] is raped and gets pregnant with the rapist. Not long after that it turns out that Edward got himself into the mess with Volturi. [Y/N], even traumatized and in pieces, will not let Bella go without her supervision to Italy. What is going to happen when [Y/N] will stay at Volterra? Is she really predestined to be Kings’ mate? Is she going to have her baby or abort the pregnancy? Will the trauma go away or is she going to struggle for a long time?

ENJOY!

You tried not to break your eye contact with Aro, as it made you unusually calm and on place. As soon as you walked through the door to the throne room you felt almost like at home. You knew it would take some time to get used to the new place, especially a place like this, though, you didn't find it repulsive or frightening.  

You sat down in the chair that Aro had pulled out for you. It was a little gesture but it made you a little less weirded out. Now, that you were alone with three kings, you were not as relaxed as you might have thought you’ll be, for your legs were trembling with exertion.

It wasn’t a surprise, though. You’ve barely eaten, been up on your feet since you got off the plane and through all day long, you were strongly convinced it was your last day on Earth. On top of this, you’ve just allowed Aro to touch your hand and then kiss it. You were certain that if it was for any other person, you wouldn’t be so willing to do so.

Aro took a seat opposite to you, whereas Marcus and Caius sat, probably, on their usual seats, not that far from you both. You were tired, but confident that some things needed to be established as soon as possible. You understood this perfectly. Also, even though Alice told you about basic things, you still were oblivious to most information.

“You have impressed me with your declaration” it was Caius who started the conversation. You looked directly at him.

“I’m not stupid, nor suicidal” you said, trying to remain as calm as possible. “At least, not anymore” you admitted, your upset tone impossible to miss. Caius tilted his head, eyeing you carefully.

“While on the plane, Alice told me briefly about basics,” you said. Seeing their stares, you rolled your eyes. “Yes, she also explained to me the laws. I knew this trip would’ve only two possible endings for me.”

Aro had known about this prior, but Marcus and Caius looked taken aback, to say at least.

“You knew you’d probably die and still came here?” it was Marcus who asked. It was a weird experience, even if you’d known him only for a few moments, to see such an authentic interest in his behaviour.

You nodded and smiled.

“Sure I did. Bella’s stupid ass didn’t give me another choice” you chuckled. Caius smiled again with that creepy smile, which he also had on his face while in the throne room.

“Stop that, brother” Aro scolded him lightly. “We don’t want to frighten [Y/N].”

Caius only rolled his eyes.

“You are familiar with the fact that I am as old as you, brother?” he asked Aro mockingly, sprawling comfortably in his chair. “There’s no need to scold me like I’m a child.”

Aro frowned.

“Yes, brother, I am certainly familiar with this. But nonetheless, you should be more gentle when it comes to [Y/N].”

Even though you’d been tired, somehow kings’ presence had risen your spirits. Also, it was quite funny to see them mock themselves like this.

“Can I say something?” you asked, visibly amused by their behaviour. You've relaxed a little and only then you felt how tired you really were.

“Of course, cara” said Marcus, who didn’t exactly talk much until now. All of them were looking at you, curious about what you wanted to say.

You smiled shyly, not being accustomed to receive so much attention at once.

“I don’t know if it’s normal but I’m not exactly…afraid of you? I guess I’m mostly curious. I wasn’t… concerned while we were heading here. Like, at all” you admitted, trying your best to find words, which would suit your emotions.

Three of them were listening very carefully, even Aro, who had already known your thoughts.

“Alice wasn’t trying to scare me, but I felt that she was extremely cautious when it came to your coven. Bella also was exaggerating with drama and I…” you immediately felt sick and couldn’t end the sentence. You were happy to maybe die? You were happy to have something to think about, other than rape? To think about something different than this unwanted child?  

It was as they felt the change in your mood. You saw Aro wanted to touch you but restrained himself from doing so. Marcus’s expression was calm but you actually thought, he was being beyond emotional about this. And Caius…he looked genuinely concerned.

You smiled sadly, as none of them said anything.

“I’m not exactly aware of how this mating bond thing works, but that’s probably the reason” you said quietly, with insecurity so overwhelming that you couldn’t look at the kings anymore.  Instead, you embraced your knees with yours arms and glanced at your feet resting on the edge of your chair.

You tried hard not to cry. You weren’t weak, you weren’t unstable. You were harmed in the most brutal way and you knew, it would take you a while to get out of this state of mind. Nevertheless, you didn’t want them to consider you weak or unworthy of their attention. Right now, they were the only ones you had in this world.

Your throat tightened and your lips trembled from the sob you denied yourself to make. One of them handed you a handkerchief, while making an effort not to touch you. You glanced up, as it turned out, at Marcus, who was holding the handkerchief in front of you.

“It is perfectly alright to cry, cara. You have no idea how many times I wished to shed at least one tear” he said, while you were wiping away yours. You believed him, of course. When you were in the throne room, at first Marcus looked completely lifeless and depressed. It changed after he spotted you, but you knew his behaviour didn’t come out of nowhere.

You’ve managed to calm yourself a little bit. After you regained your composure, Aro smiled gently at you, making you give him your full attention.

“My dear, we would be delighted to explain to you everything, but I can clearly see that you are extremely tired. So much has happened today, and the best way we can handle this, is when you are well rested. May I suggest coming back to the topic without any more delay, when you’ve had enough sleep?”

You smiled because of his intricate wording.

“Sure. Although, there’s no need for you to talk to me this way” you said amused, while also trying not to sound rude. The way Aro expressed his thoughts was extremely distinguished and you understood that this was part of his personality that he had acquired over three millennia.

Caius smiled to himself hearing your remark and Marcus didn't hide his amusement either. Even Aro seemed mildly entertained.

“Forgive me, cara mia” he said apologetically, mischievous tone of his voice never escaping your attention. “I am quite old by now” his remark made Caius laugh loudly. You laughed too.

“I don’t think your age matters in this case” you said, your spirits raised just a little bit.

 ***

 After your brief conversation, it was Marcus who showed you to your room. Well, it wasn’t exactly a room, as you had all suite to yourself. As soon as you saw it, you decided that it was really too much, that a bed would suffice, but fell silent after Marcus explained, why you needed to be isolated from others.

You almost forgot they were vampires and you could die if you walked into the wrong one. You shared your concerns with Marcus, who was extremely amused to hear about them. Only the most trusted members of the guard knew of the whereabouts of your chamber. The lower ranks didn't even know that you were staying in the castle for an extended period of time.

Marcus assured that overnight the kings would consider, who would be the most qualified to become your personal guardian. You were a bit embarrassed, as you seemed to be creating quite a problem with your presence in the castle. Nonetheless, you thanked Marcus, making sure beforehand that you would definitely see the three of them, as soon as you got some sleep.

Your chamber was huge. You could’ve sworn it was twice the size of the house you owned in Forks. You had your own bathroom, walk-in-closet and even a small kitchenette with a fridge. The star of the room was the massive bed with a mattress so soft, you felt like you were lying on a cloud. Before you went to bed, you decided to have a bath, because it would be silly to sleep in such a bed while being dirty.

While searching for pyjamas, you realised there were not many clothes in the wardrobe. Could this have been a guest room? You concluded that it was very likely. Anyway, you had nothing against guest rooms which looked like this. You found a thin-strapped, ankle-length nightdress, in a fabric so pleasant that it was impossible to resist wearing it.

The bathroom was ridiculously large, with two sinks to the left of the entrance, a huge bathtub in the middle and a shower that was built into, what you assumed, was a marble wall. On the opposite side of the entrance there was a vanity, with all kinds of beauty products and perfumes. You also didn't expect the bathroom to be in bright colours, and yet, the walls and floor were white marble, whereas all other elements were golden. You didn't even want to think about the fact that indeed, you had real gold faucets to your exclusive use.

You continued to think about the fact that it seemed too much. The lavishness overwhelmed you and, at the same time, distracted you from unpleasant thoughts. The washing up part, as always, was difficult for you. You tried not to look in the mirror at all. Eventually, you decided you didn't have the energy to try a bath, so you went for a quick shower.

It wasn't until you were in the shower, before you truly felt tired. You doubted it was an evening, but you felt like you'd just done a double shift at the hospital. It felt wonderful to have your hair washed, only to cuddle up later in an incredibly soft towel.

While changing into your nightgown, you didn't even glance in the mirror. You were unable to look at your naked body in the reflection. You were afraid, even though the bruises and wounds had long been healed.

Climbing onto the bed, you tried not to think too much. You didn't want to think about what you were going to do with the baby. You didn't want to think about the fact that you would probably have to explain to Caius and Marcus, why you were pregnant in the first place. You also didn't want to think about Aro seeing those memories. You were glad that you could fall asleep and, at least for a little while, be relieved of the burden of reality.

***

 “Alright. What is there that we need to discuss?” you asked, trying to focus. You were back in the study with the round table, except that there were many more papers and books on it than the day before.

It was the strangest morning of your life. According to what Aro told you, you slept for about fifteen hours. He was by your side when you woke up, but not in such manner as to startle you in any way. He came to ask how you were feeling and what you felt like eating for breakfast. You thought that with a kitchenette in your room you would be preparing your own meals. You were very much mistaken. When you said that you would like to eat scrambled eggs, Aro only smiled and told you to get dressed.

You didn't have time to ask what you were supposed to wear since the walk-in-closet was almost empty, but he had already disappeared. It turned out that you were wrong again. In those fifteen hours, someone had managed to restock your wardrobe at least halfway. You were too surprised to look at everything, but you had never seen such expensive and well-tailored clothes. You picked out the first pieces you were sure, you would feel comfortable in.

After a quick shower, you dressed up and when you came out of bathroom, Aro was already waiting for you. He brought you your meal and while you were eating, he would talk to you about things that were of minor importance. It was hard not to notice that he was in a great mood and you had to admit that you were sharing his optimism. He waited patiently for you to end your meal so that both of you could join Marcus and Caius in the study. If your human memory didn't fail you, a great number of issues had to be discussed.

You smiled, seeing so many papers and books on the wooden table. Caius and Marcus were sitting in the exact same places as yesterday.

“You should’ve wake me sooner, you know. I never sleep this much” you said, also sitting in the same place you were assigned the evening before. Aro sat in the chair on your right.

“You should sleep as long as you feel like it, dolcezza,” said Caius, focusing all his attention on you. You blushed a little. You weren’t used to being in the centre of attention. It didn't make you uncomfortable before, but after what happened... It was going to take some time before you could fully recover.  

“Caius is right. You should get plenty of sleep, my dear. If there’s no need to wake you up, we simply will not do it,” said Aro, whose smile has not left his face even for a moment.

When Marcus had finished whatever he was doing, you could finally move on to the conversation between the four of you. You thought that Aro will lead the conversation but, apparently, you were really going to discuss this together.

“I gathered you were a nurse before. You also worked with Carlisle,” started Aro, getting straight to the point. You nodded your head in agreement.

“Yes. I worked on Paediatric Intensive Care Unit but hospital in Forks is so small that I usually ended up also helping Carlisle with many things” you admitted, trying to divide your attention between three of them. If you were to stay a human for a little while, you needed to work on that. It was rather problematic to look at them all at once.

“We became friends when Bella started seeing Edward, but then the whole moving out thing came up and right now, I don't really know if I know Carlisle as well as I thought I did,” you said, without a trace of regret in your voice. Aro knew very well that you had a grudge against the doctor. Sure, Edward had left Bella, but you were sure Carlisle would have at least told you about the promotion. Now you knew it wasn't about that at all, and yet the grudge continued.

Aro smiled lightly, but you saw a glint of sadness in his eye.

“After you transformation I will be pleased to invite here my old friend Carlisle along with his family. I hope everything will work out fine between the two of you” he said with hope in his voice. You had no idea that Carlisle new Aro to the extent that he called him an old friend. You promised yourself to talk about this with Aro while in private.

“I’m…a bit concerned about this, actually” you said anxiously. “I know I need to become a vampire one day, but…” You never ended the sentence. Were you afraid of pain? No, certainly not. However, you wanted to begin with knowing your mates just a little bit more. You wanted to know more about this world you were supposed to spend eternity in.

“It’s perfectly alright to be afraid, [Y/N]” said Marcus, leaning closer to you. You felt stupid and young.

“I don’t think I’m afraid. I’m only…uncertain, because I know close to nothing about your lifestyle and I’m not sure I’m quite ready to experience it,” you tried to explain, as best as you could. Aro was a little bit ahead of Caius and Marcus, as he saw at least parts of such thoughts in your mind. Caius was the one to answer you.

“It understandable, [Y/N]. While you’ll be spending time with us, we’re going to explain everything to you. One step at a time, as my dear brother said earlier. And tell me, how do you like your chambers?” he asked, clearly curious about your opinion. You smiled, but it was a shy one.

“I love it, really, but, as I asked Aro earlier, isn’t it too much?” you suggested, trying not to offend him. Aro and Marcus smiled softly, Caius snorted.

“Nonsense, cara. With us, you'll have the very best of all worlds” he assured you.

“In that case, thank you, all of it is truly wonderful, although I feel a little awkward.”

Again, all three just laughed, but it wasn’t impolite in one bit. Aro put a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“My dear, no need for you to fret about such things as money. The most important person to us is you and we will give you whatever you need” he assured you, still with that magnificent smile. You nodded shyly, not being able to say anything. You had only been with them in a room for a short while and you felt like you were drunk. The aura they exuded was irresistible. Simultaneously you wanted to be with each of them separately and with all of them altogether. It was not an affection, not yet, but this strange attraction did not allow itself to be forgotten easily. You yearned to be in the same room with them, just to be able to talk to them and look at each other constantly.

“I have… I have a house in Forks” you said, after a few minutes of silence.

“Would you like to sell your property?” asked Caius, raising an eyebrow. Aro was also intrigued. Marcus just continued to look at you, almost as he studied your face.

“I guess. I don't think I want to go back there again” you said quietly, recalling how many bad things happened there. You were no longer at ease, not even to mention amused. The kings, just as it happened the day before, felt the shift in your behaviour. “Ever” you emphasised, but it was only a whisper.  

Bad memories deluged your thoughts. Your mother's illness and death. Your father's accident, then his death. Also, the most recent events. You swallowed hard, trying not to cry.

“I don’t want this house. I don’t want to come back to this godforsaken place ever again,” you said, wiping away a single tear with your fingers. You were ashamed, but you could not hold back the tears that followed. You did not deserve to go through all of this.

It was Marcus who spoke first.

“Cara, Aro told us nothing about your past, but I can assure you no one is going to hurt you here. You can be certain about this” he said gently, handing you a handkerchief. You accepted it gratefully, then began to quickly wipe away your tears.

“Marcus is absolutely right, [Y/N]. There is nothing in this world that we cannot protect you from. We will always be by your side. You won’t be in danger ever again” Caius assured you, while you were still trying to get these tears under control.

Aro seemed as if he wanted to lock you in an embrace and never let you go again, but he restrained himself. You knew it was because of your memories, because he saw what happened to you, and because he literally lived through it with you. You thought that probably the latter pushed you towards this decision. Who could know better what you’ve been through, than a person who knew about all things that happened during your life? You wanted a hug, desperately, and you already knew, you could trust Aro on this one.

Once he saw the permission in your eyes, you immediately found yourself in his arms. As usual, he was immensely gentle and affectionate, stroking your hair while not touching your skin, so as not to accidentally read your thoughts. You cuddled into him trustingly, not caring that he was cold. You had known him one day and he had managed to evoke more trust within you, than friends that you had known for years.

When the crying eased and you calmed down slightly, you rested your head on his shoulder. Again, just like yesterday in the throne room, you felt as if you had been home for a long time. They were your home, not some pile of stones and a roof.

“I’m sorry” you whispered, trying not to be ashamed. Aro stroked your hair again.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, cara mia,” he assured you, with a gentle tone of his voice. You glanced at Marcus and Caius, but they only seemed at ease, as you finally were calm and not crying. Not a hint of jealousy. You didn't want Aro to let you out of his embrace and apparently he wasn't going to do anything of the sort either. You felt safe within his arms.

“Can you take care of ‘selling the house’ thing?” you asked, trying to remember what were you talking about before your emotional breakdown.

“Of course, [Y/N]. You could call Isabella later, to gather things you want to have here with you,” said Caius, exceptionally calm. Maybe his behaviour in the throne room was only an act? Or maybe he was being this way only because you were a mess and he didn’t want to upset you more than you already were.

“Yes, I’d like that, please” you said politely, wiping away the last of your tears with the handkerchief you got from Marcus.

“Are you ready to talk about the child, cara, or do you want to postpone it until some other time?” Aro asked you, trying to be as gentle with the word choice as possible. You hid your face in his jet black hair. It smelled of something you couldn't quite define, but it had a calming effect on you. You heaved a number of deep breaths. He gently caressed your shoulder.

“If you feel like sharing this, cara mia, please do. If you are unable to, do not force yourself” he advised, with so much sensitivity in his tone, that you wouldn’t expect from a man, yet alone from a vampire. It seemed that nor Caius, neither Marcus wanted to push you only to get this information.

You didn’t want to ponder about it for too long. It would definitely come to an end with you simply telling nothing at all. While you were not ready at all to talk about it, you needed to explain this somehow. You weren’t ready for any unexpected touch. You were adamant that current thing with Aro was caused by situation and your emotions. While the thought of Caius or Marcus touching you wasn’t downright awful, the idea of unexpected, unwelcomed touch made you twitch uncontrollably.

“As Aro was kind enough to mention…” started Marcus, probably to assure you no words were truly needed. You might, as well, have said it already. You didn't want anyone to accidentally touch you. You wanted to welcome the touch of your mates, just as you did with Aro a few minutes before. Being touched when you didn’t want would be catastrophic, not only for your mental health, but also for the stirring relationship with kings. It would have been worse than talking about rape itself out loud.

“I was raped a few weeks ago” you choked out, trying to make your voice sound as toneless and apathetic as possible. “I haven’t decided what to do with the… with it. Yet” you added, feeling stupid and extremely anxious. You wanted to get it over with, and at the same time you knew, it would have to be talked about at some point.

Nobody said anything. They probably waited for more words, maybe more emotions. You weren’t tense or embarrassed in front of them. Although, the uncertainty, of what were their thoughts on the topic, was a little bit intimidating. As minutes passed and you were saying nothing, Caius spoke up.

“Do you want us to kill him?” he asked, sweeping you off your feet with the question. You stared at him with amazement, completely forgetting about Aro embracing you. Your gaze didn’t discourage Caius a one bit. “Maybe some tortures first? What do you say, brothers?” he asked Aro and Marcus, his eyes remaining on you.

“Could you really do that?” you asked, before Aro or Marcus could answer. Caius started laughing out loud. There was something terrifying and, yet, incomprehensibly appealing about it. He leaned towards you.

“We would burn the whole world for you,” he whispered perilously. “If you want him to suffer, to be terrified, just as you were, say the word” he clarified, with a nasty smirk on his face. “We’ll make his last hours on Earth a living hell.”

Caius had something dangerous within himself. Something primal. He wasn’t so self-composed as Aro and as insular as Marcus. He was violent, fierce, vicious. It should scare you away from him. Only it didn’t. You believed every word he said and wanted it done. Why this little man should live his life peacefully, when you were traumatised and pregnant with a child you didn’t want in a first place?

“Revenge isn’t going to make you feel better” Aro whispered warningly into your ear, but still with calm and gentle voice.

“Yeah, I know that” you said to Aro, while still staring into Caius’s eyes. His also were crimson, but with lighter shade than Aro’s. You weren’t anxious anymore, nor were you in emotional breakdown. “But women he wants to rape will feel better if he doesn’t” you said, smiling almost as darkly as Caius. You got the feeling that you two were going to get along pretty well. Caius leaned back into his chair.

“Fantastic. We’ll talk about it more in following weeks, dear” he said, obviously pleased with the outcome of the conversation.

“Regardless if you keep the child, you’re going to be one of us” reminded Aro, to change the subject. When he mentioned transformation, you were far more conscious than few moments before. You tried not to be pessimistic about the change. You knew questions needed to be asked, but you had plenty of time to ask about anything you wanted and exactly three most experienced vampires in the world to answer them.

“We established it before, Aro” said Marcus for the first time in a while. You gathered that he wasn’t the talkative one here. You disentangled yourself from Aro's embrace and returned to your chair. Enough touching for today. However, you were sure that the sense of safety and comfort that he provided you with, would remain with you for a long time.

“I’m not able to tell you now if I want to keep the child” you said with confidence. “Anyway, I need to know what will happen, whether I decide to terminate the pregnancy or not.”

You were looking directly at Aro. You knew he had the final word here. You had a feeling how it’ll end, but you wanted to hear it anyway and have it straightforward. Aro sighed softly and smiled warmly after.

“If you’d like to keep the child, you’re going to give birth to it and when it’ll be grown up enough, it’ll become one of us” he said, his gaze extremely soft.

“Okay” you agreed. “And what if I’m not going to keep the child?” you asked, because it was the more probable occurrence. Aro saw it within your thoughts and you weren’t going to act like it wasn’t the choice you were closer to opt for. His smile remained gentle and warm, his eyes calm and soft on yours.

“The things that need to be done, are going to be done” he said, and you were extremely grateful that he didn’t use the ‘abortion’ word. You were too emotionally unstable to talk about it so straightforward. “We are going to know each other a little bit more. You’ll also meet our most trustful guards to feel safe. When you’ll be ready, one of us will change you” he explained, as simple as he could. You smiled at him a little sadly.

“Alright. Do I have any time limitations?” you asked curiously, throwing a quick glance at Caius and Marcus.

“No, dolcezza. You can take as much time as you want. You’re finally with us. That’s what truly matters to us” he reassured you. He was neither angry nor upset with the thought of you postponing transformation till the child is being born.

“One step at a time” he said cheerfully and smiled. You also smiled. It was almost impossible not to. “Cara mia, you’re so pretty when you smile. I hope you’ll be able to do that more and more here” this sentence made you blush. All three of them laughed, which made you blush even more.

“Thank you” you whispered, but it was a little unsure and hesitant. You saw concern on their faces.

“May I ask you one more question?” this time it was Marcus who asked.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Have you checked how far along are you? You’ve told us that maybe you’ll want to terminate the pregnancy, but my concern is about your health and how your body is going to catch up with the decision of yours, regardless what it’ll be” he said, very politely, trying not to offend you. You appreciated that dearly.

Marcus did ask very good question, though. You had no idea how far along you were. It was at least three months since it happened, so your first trimester should be over very soon.

“I don’t know. I haven’t checked. I couldn’t find the courage to do so. The only thing the doctor did, was to confirm the pregnancy” you answered, trying hard to remember if something else was being said.

“We should probably call the doctor, then” said Marcus, concern noticeable in his voice. Aro and Caius agreed with him, so did you.  

“So, do I have my own cook at my disposal?” you asked to change the subject and relieve tension a bit. Enough of difficult subjects for today.

“Ah, yes, my dear, of course!” said Aro with extreme enthusiasm. “I hope you enjoyed your breakfast today. If something isn’t the way you want it, tell any of us right away.”

“Oh, yes, I did! Hey, and I told you that already!” you said, quite amused. “Am I not supposed to be the one, who forgets?” you asked, laughing.

Caius laughed most loudly, clearly amused by what you’ve just said. Aro smiled, watching you being in better mood, than before. Marcus was just Marcus, but he also smiled.

You spent the rest of the day with the kings, talking about many important and less important things. Mostly, you talked about the matter of selling your house, the things you will want to have with you in the castle, the fact that you should give up your job and your personal guard. The latter has been the cause of endless discussion. Later that evening, Aro decided that Renata, his personal guard, would be temporarily assigned to you.

You wanted to argue but there was literally no point in it. You knew that for the time you were still human, you had to have some sort of guard, because you couldn't even handle half a vampire on your own. You weren't tired at all, so after eating dinner you spent time with Caius and Marcus, trying to figure out what you could do together to get to know each other better. Unfortunately, Aro was obliged to attend to some important business, but in this case, you had already established some kind of a bond with him.

Caius and Marcus deeply respected your wish not to touch you in any way. You visited the library and were sure you had simply fallen in love. Sadly, most of the books were written in languages the existence of which you were previously unaware. Marcus was more than happy to offer you to study with him. To begin with, learning Italian. You had not yet discovered what Caius liked to do, but you were sure you would soon find out.

When they too had to attend to important matters, they escorted you to your room, and you decided it would be a good idea to call Bella. Not just about the house, but generally to let her know you were alive. When you’ve finally reached her, you both couldn’t shut up.

“Hi, sister!” you squeaked, overly excited. You heard her laugh.

“Hi! Are you fine, [Y/N]? I was starting to worry, the only thing that kept me from calling you was Alice,” she said and you laughed.

“Hi [Y/N]!” you heard Alice in the background. You threw yourself on the bed, so that you could lie on your stomach. You hugged your pillow and made yourself comfortable.

“Hi Alice!” you greeted her, smiling to yourself like a mad person, who you probably were, given the circumstances. “I’m happy to hear you, Bella, seriously. Are you at Cullen’s place?” you asked curious, as where Alice came from.

“Yeah, exactly. We were all worried here, you know” she admitted, you heard how anxious she was. You couldn’t help it but laughed.

“Well, how could you leave me in the lion's den like that” you joked and heard someone’s laugh.

“She’s fun. I need to meet her” you heard again and also laughed.

“This will probably happen sooner rather than later,” you answer to this mystery someone with confidence. Bella’s side fell silent. “But, you know, I guess I’m okay. I had fifteen hours of sleep today and the best scrambled eggs in my entire life” you admitted cheerfully, thinking about you waking up and eating your breakfast in Aro’s presence. You smiled widely. You heard someone talking in the background, but you had no idea what was this all about.

“That’s good because I was worried sick when we got out of that room” Bella admitted, trying to sound not too worried, though.

“It’s better than fine, you know. And how are you? You seriously were as white as a sheet while in throne room” you said and this was your turn to be worried about Bella again. “Hey, and I hope this asshole isn’t going to leave you again. My threat is in force,” you said in a threatening tone, knowing that Edward could definitely hear it. You heard the same laugh as before plus Bella’s laugh.

“I’m sure he’ll not be doing it again. Carlisle has already scolded him decently.”

Your heart ached a little after hearing Carlisle’s name. You thought he was your friend, or maybe it was beginning of friendship, and now you had no idea what to think about it at all.

“Good. How are you, Bells?” you asked again, hugging your pillow tightly.

“I’m okay, really, [Y/N]. No need to worry about me.”

Of course you were going to worry about her. She was just like a little sister to you. No way you’d stop worrying. Suddenly, you remembered what happened in the throne room and became seriously concerned.

“Have you set a date?” you asked, and again, the other side fell silent. This time completely. You sighed heavily. “I’m not a spy, you know, but I’m worried about you. We will need to talk about all of this. I get why didn’t you tell me, but, seriously Bella, your self-preservation instinct does not exist,” you scolded her, just a little. You had a feeling that she gave no fucks, no matter what anyone could say about this situation.

“Says the “I’m staying here, Bella” person” she gritted out with sarcasm. You rolled your eyes.

“One, they wouldn’t let me leave. Two, you were in danger and I was alright with sacrificing myself to save you. Three…” this time you fell silent, realising something important. “…I wouldn’t go. I’m not able to. This bond, whatever it is, it’s strong shit. You probably now it, as you have this with Edward. I have got it triple.”

After really long moment of complete silence, Bella spoke up.

“Why would you sacrifice yourself for me?” she asked, her question as heavy as storm clouds. You sighed.

“Because I’ve got nothing to live for, ya know? I was prepared that I wouldn’t get out alive,” you admitted with sad voice, but it was downright true.

“You’re pregnant, [Y/N]” she said, like it was something, which could immediately improve your well-being and quality of life. You felt like throwing up.

“Yeah. I’m pregnant with the child I don’t want, with a man I’ve never met, who forced himself on me and made my life more miserable than it already was. I should probably send him a card or something because, guess what, I’ve never considered that my life is going to be more crappy than it already was after my parents’ death.”

When you ended the sentence and no one said anything, you just sighed heavily.

“You’ve got the date set?” you asked again, merely curious about this and to change the topic.

“Not yet” she said, her voice sad and full of emotions.

“Then do it. They’re patient, to some extent, but don't tempt fate. I don’t want to attend yet another funeral,” you said bitterly, trying not to think at all.

“How can you be so calm about all of this?” Bella snapped suddenly, making you shift uncomfortably on bed.

“And how you can be so calm? How was this your fucking plan from the very beginning? Once again, I try to understand you, while not understanding you at all” you snapped too, tired of any games. Before she could answer, you continued:

“I’m not coming back. I wanted to ask you if you could go to my house and get some things, I can make you a list if it’s going to be easier.”

You thought telling her this right away would be better than if she wasn’t aware for weeks or months.

“What?! Why aren’t you coming back?” she asked with raised voice. You wanted to shout and scream but you didn’t. It was too much for one day.

“Because I’ve got nothing to come back to. You’re going to be a vampire anyway, so I’ll see you in some time. I’m selling the house and I want to leave the past exactly where it belongs” you explained, trying not to yell. The hormone fluctuations didn't make it easy for you at all.

Another silence. You were tired of all of this.

“Can you do this for me, Bella? Because if you can’t, I’m sure…”

She didn’t let you finish.

“Of course I’ll do it for you. Can we talk tomorrow about the details?” she asked, her voice calmed a bit.

“Yeah, sure. It’s well after midnight here anyway, so I should probably go to sleep. I’ve got doctor’s appointment tomorrow in the afternoon” you said, trying to sound casually. Last thing you needed now was to argue about anything with Bella.

“Okay, so, call me tomorrow?” she asked. “And be safe.”

“You too, Bells. Take care. I love you, sis” you said, trying to stop the forthcoming tears.

“I love you too, [Y/N].”

Long after this phone call, you couldn’t get yourself to sleep. You tried bath this time, but it was mostly useless. At least, you were clean. First time after the rape, you decided to touch your belly on purpose. It began to curve gently, and, apart from that, you still felt pain and pressure in your breasts. You put on a nightdress and went to bed, this time actually trying to get some sleep. You also tried not to think too much about what the future would bring.

[boldlyvoid]

Sugar, Honey, Ice Tea | Chapter 5-9

1Summary: Fix-it-fic: Dr. Y/L/N and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Warnings: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Prison, Prison Violence, Assault, Blood, Depression, Murder, Self-Hatred, Hurt Spencer Reid, Canon-Typical Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Drug Addiction, References to Drugs, Drug Use, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Romantic Tension, Forbidden Love, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Requited Love, Falling In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, past abusive relationship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault

Word Count: 14.3K

1-4, 5-9, Epilogue

Chapter 5

Spencer agreed to a Thursday night game night in her office sometime last week, and she’s spent every day since then planning it out for him.

Learning that he really loved Tandoori chicken, making it from scratch at home and packaging it into a couple containers to bring into work. She followed a recipe from Pinterest, hoping it bared any resemblance to what he was used to, only changing full chicken to boneless bite size cutlets, because he couldn’t use a knife in the prison.

She got a chess set at the store, as well as a deck of playing cards for the Vegas boy. Rushing out her door early Thursday morning so she could stop and get a coffee and one of his favourite doughnuts too.

Deciding that she wasn’t going to tell him how she felt any time soon, just wanting to show him friendship and support until he was finally out of prison. Vowing to uphold her oath, he was a patient in her care, she would care for him as such until he wasn’t.

She carefully placed her lunchbox and the chess set on the security desk, letting them look through it as she waited. Taking out all the food from her bag, looking through the plastic to ensure she wasn’t sneaking in anything.

“It’s just my lunch for the next 2 days, I promise,” she smiled.

“I know, but I have to look anyway,” the nice man smiled. “Have a good day today Dr. Pat.”

“Thank’s, you too, officer Kyle,” she smiled, picking her things back up and heading past the gates.

Spencer was turning the corner towards the infirmary as she walked towards the door. Officer Wilkins holding him in handcuffs as he roughly walked Spencer to her office.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she stopped, looking at Wilkins like he was an idiot. “Un-cuff inmate Reid, he’s not a threat. Plus, he can hold some things for me.”

“Whatever,” he huffed, roughly taking the cuffs off Spencer's wrists before leaving. Not saying another word.

“What a dick,” she mumbled as she handed him the lunchbox.

“Good morning Spencer,” she changed her tone to match her growing smile.

He sighed, smiling back as he rubbed his wrists. “Good morning to you too, Y/N.”

She opened the infirmary door, walking past all the sleeping men in the care area. Unlocking her office before inviting Spencer in. “Sorry I was almost late,” she said softly, taking the chess set and a brown paper bag out of her purse.

She set it on Spencer's desk along with the coffee that was in her hand, “for all your help this week,” she smiled.

Spencer placed her lunchbox in her fridge, laying a hand on her back as he walked past her towards his desk. “You’re too kind to me,” he was bashful as always.

“I have something I wanted to talk to you about,” she closed the door softly, making sure the blinds on the doors window were closed as well.

“That doesn’t sound good,” he tried to joke as he sat down.

“I asked to help with your case, maybe give a fresh opinion, so Penelope sent me all the files but I haven’t opened them yet,” she sat on the edge of her desk. Trying to read his body language as he took out his donut.

He liked the pink frosting off his finger, nodding as he followed along. “Why not?”

“I wanted your permission,” she pressed her lips together in an awkward smiled. His eyes raising to meet hers, innocent as ever.

“Oh?”

“You’re very reserved, you have rules about what you share, I don’t want to break the trust we’ve built by looking into something so intimate,” she explained her thoughts. “It’s not fair for me to learn about the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, without you being the one to tell me.”

“What do you know already?” He asked softly, blinking at her as he patiently waited.

She smiled at him softly, grateful that he understood. “I know the 3 charges that you’re in on, and that you’re being framed.”

“I think I would prefer it if you read the file and just asked me questions. I don’t think I have the mental capacity to recite it all back to you today,” he was honest. Taking a sip of his coffee and looking away from her.

Giving up so much of himself to her so early in the day, she felt like he was finally comfortable with her.

She found the key to his thoughts and it opened just right, she could see the hurt that flowed through him, but she could also see the happiness. The side of him that he was afraid to bring out, in fear it would get him in more trouble.

“Okay,” she agreed. Sitting at her desk and finally opening the email form Penelope.

She read through his tox-screens, his drug history, his mental state. His first-hand accounts, witness statements, clues and findings his team had made. It all felt like the plot to a bad movie about revenge, possibly even female rage. But for what?

“I finished reading,” she said softly, brows furrowed as she chews the inside of her cheek. “Do you know anyone other than this Mr. Scratch guy who you’ve put away, wronged, lead on, or just pissed off?”

“Why?” He asked, clearly attached to the idea this was all Mr. Scratch’s doing.

“It feels like revenge, but very well planed. Like a women is mad at you so she found your weakness, I’ve done mean shit to exes in the past but this is insane. They knew you’d do anything for your mom, they knew your drug history, and the fact you might get schizophrenia one day, they wanted to drug you and make you think you did all this.”

Spencer stood then, listening to her words as he scrunched his face. Thinking as hard as he could, “can you call Penelope?”

“Yeah,” she nodded as she dialled her number, putting her on speaker phone.

“Well hello there, Love Doctor,” Penelope teased as she answered.

“Um hi, Spencer wanted to talk to you,” she panicked.

“Oh, sorry, how are you Spencer?”

Spencer looked so confused, “I’m good… Y/N and I were looking at the case files you sent-”

“Good, did you find anything?” Penelope cut in, eager to talk to him.

“Have you looked into everyone I’ve ever encountered on a case? Specifically women?” Spencer asked. “I told my lawyer and Emily that I remember a woman being there and helping, she must know me from a case too, like the other prison escapees he’s helped?”

“On it pretty boy, any specifics about her that you remember?” Penelope asked over the sound of her keyboard clicking away.

“Long brown hair, but it’s probably different now,” he added. “Everything else is dark, I didn’t see her face or any other features.”

“Alright, call me anytime Spence, I miss you,” Penelope said softly, changing her tone to a more sensitive one. “Take care of each other, my loves.”

“Love you,” they say at the same time. Looking at each other awkwardly after she hung up, leaving them to sit with their words alone.

Spencer was leaning so close to her she could feel his body heat radiating off him. Spencer placed his hand on her shoulder as he stood straight, towering over her as she looked up at him.

“I have patients to talk to, but I brought chess for you to teach me later,” she smiled up at him.

“Can’t wait,” he beamed a smile back.

She felt his hand rub the back of her blue scrubs lightly, pulling away as he walked back around to his desk. She watched him with careful eyes, wishing he would have stayed longer.

—

Normally at 4:30, Y/N would bring Spencer a tray of whatever the kitchen was serving her patients for dinner that night. Tonight, however, she walked into her office at 5 pm on the dot, closing the clinic for the night and putting all her attention on Spencer.

“So,” she smiled as she leaned against her office door, excitement radiating out of her. “A little birdie told me that you really like Indian food, Tandoori chicken to be exact…”

“No way?” He gasped as he turned around in his chair.

She nodded with a cheeky grin, “homemade so I could sneak it in.”

She took her lunch box out of her mini-fridge, opening it up to show him the 2 Tupperware containers. One for him, the other for her. She took the lids off and dished it onto 2 plates she keeps in the cabinet above the fridge.

Spencer grew more and more excited as she warmed it up, filling the room with a familiar smell. He was so happy, “I don’t know how to thank you for everything you do for me?”

“Come here,” she said softly, watching him walk towards her carefully.

She wrapped her arms around his middle, holding him in a hug. He carefully placed his hands on her back, holding her against his chest as he snuggled his cheek into her hair again.

“I’ll take hugs as payment from now on,” she pulled back from him as the microwaved beeped.

Taking a plastic spoon from the cutlery jar, she opened the microwave and handed him a plate. “Did you want to stay in here or go to the break room? I never use it cause I don’t have any co-workers, but it has a couch and a coffee table?”

“Okay,” he smiled. Taking the plate from her and waiting for her to warm up her own meal before taking a bite.

He was ever the gentleman.

Y/N reached back into her lunch box, taking out the package of naan bread, seeing Spencer’s eyes basically roll into the back of his head. “You thought of everything?”

“Bread is my life,” she laughed.

When her food was ready, she placed it on top of the chess box and led the way down to the break room. Spencer holding every door for her.

She flicked on the lights in the break room, watching them strobe before making that awful powering up frequency. She groaned, putting her food on the table before turning on a few lamps instead.

The room went from bright and anxious to relaxed and personal, the amber glow bouncing off the cream walls, it was nice. As nice as it could be in a prison. She never thought she’d be having a date at a prison.

That’s basically what this was, a date.

She made him dinner, they were going to play games, he was going to sit right beside her, close enough to kiss. She really wanted to, she’s thought about it a lot, his pink lips were perfect and she just wanted to see how they’d feel between her own.

But she wont.

“Dig in honey,” the name rolled over her tongue like it was always meant to.

She felt his eyes on her right away, realizing that she called him honey in a situation where he wasn’t crying, where he wasn’t vulnerable. She said it as a term of endearment, she couldn’t stop the embarrassment form settling in her veins.

She sat beside his softly, picking up her dinner and pretending it didn’t happen. “Thank you,” Spencer cut into the awkwardness.

“You’re welcome,” she said softly. Feeling like she could flip inside out at any moment.

From the corner of her eye she saw him take the first bite, closing his eyes as he appreciated the moment. His shoulders settled as he chewed, she could swear he almost moaned as he ate it. She has had the food in the cafeteria before, she understood his reaction.

“That good?” She asked, teasing him softly.

He nodded, silent as he took it all in. He took another bite, and another, she felt like he was going to get the hiccups at this rate but it was too cute to stop. He was like a stray dog eating inside for the first time in months, it made her happy and then a little sad.

He stayed quiet the whole time. Crossing his legs as he sat on the couch, the plate pulled in close to his chest as he shovelled spoonfuls of food into his mouth. She sat there admiring him as he did so, falling more and more every time she glanced at him.

“That was delicious,” Spencer said as he stood, placing his plate on the counter across the room. “Are you done?” He asked, taking her plate as she reached it out to him.

“Yeah, thanks,” she watched him carefully, always wanting to help her in whatever way he could.

He didn’t sit on the couch when he came back, instead, sitting on the floor on the other side of the coffee table, taking the chess set out and beginning to set it up. Not wanting to miss a moment of the freedom he felt when he was with her.

“So, chess is pretty easy to learn,” he said, looking up at her through thick eyelashes as he spoke. “Do you know any of the rules yet?”

“Um, I know where they all go, I know that you can’t go through other pieces and the horse gets to jump?” She tried to remember all the way back to grade 4, the last time someone explained the rules to her.

He was so soft with her, explaining the rules and showing her what to do. His hand would lightly brush over hers occasionally, eventually, he’d just guide her hand over the pieces that she should move. It was so nice to just be alone with him, knowing they were both allowed to be happy.

The room was mostly silent, only the sound of Spencer's advice and her giggle as she still wasn’t grasping the concept of the game.

“I just like, don’t care about the rules?” She couldn’t stop giggling at the fact she wasn’t picking up on anything he said.

Spencer laughed, it was deep and hearty, right from his soul, “then how do you want to play?”

She picked up the queen and moved it to a random spot, “I want to put this here and fight your guy. That’s why I don't get this, what is my XP? What are their skills? I was raised on Pokemon, honey.”

He made his way back to the couch, sitting closely beside her. “Well sugar pie, do you have any other games you want to play?”

She couldn’t stop herself from leaning in and pressing her lips against his. His hands wrapped around her waist on instinct as they connected.

It was everything she imagined. Soft, gentle, refreshing. Like a cold glass of ice tea on a hot summers day. She wanted more, never letting up as she kissed him.

Spencer was the one to pull off first, “shit,” she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand as she stared at him, horrified.

He laughed, smiling at her softly. “It’s okay,” he promised, “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

She doesn’t stop him from pulling her back in, holding her hand on his cheek as he kissed her again. Hungrier than before, Spencer’s tongue was on a mission. He tastes like dinner, but with his own Spencer difference.

Kissing him felt like a fairytale coming true.

She forgot where they were, his hands on the back of her scrubs and her hands in his hair as their mouths clashed. She started to lay back on the couch, pulling him down on top of her.

“We can't,” he pants against her lips. Regretting it as he pulls away from her.

“Sorry, this was unprofessional I know,” she tried to play it off.

Spencer pulled her back in, flush against his chest once more. “No, I don’t regret it. It’s just, I’m not ready.”

“Oh,” she says softly. Then it clicks, “oh, oh my god, Spencer I’m so sorry I forgot. I didn’t mean to push you into anything,” she worries, running her hands over his arms softly.

He shakes his head, “you didn’t. I want to, believe me, I just don’t think I can handle the after part…”

“I cried for 3 hours after I had sex again, after everything,” she told him in complete honesty. Not even Savannah or Derek knew that.

“You don’t have to-“

“I want to,” she assured him. “You shouldn’t have to be the only vulnerable one here, I want you to know about me.”

“You don’t have to tell me the details, I don’t want to think about someone hurting you,” he whispered, his eyes innocently studying her face for how she was feeling.

“Okay, so here’s everything else,” she was still holding his face in her hands. Rubbing her thumb over his cheeks. “I had 2 moms and a little sister, and I was raised in Boston. I met Savannah in 2004, I worked with her until a few years ago. She’s my best friend, Derek is like my big brother.”

She gave him the basics, “I don’t have a dad, my mom used the same donor for me and my sister, so I’ve never really felt safe around men because I never knew many.”

“Understandable,” he smiled softly. “what’s your mom like?”

“She died when I was 26,” she pressed her lips together awkwardly. “I haven’t talked to her wife since then, my other mom, she remarried not long after. I think she was cheating on my mom when she was going through chemo.”

“I’m so sorry,” Spencer whispered.

“I can relate to a lot of the stories I know about you already. My mom was my world, I don’t know my dad. I’ve been hurt by people, I’ve lost a lot of myself while trying to help others,” she brushed her nose against his softly. Letting him know she wasn’t pulling back any time soon. “Who you are is not what you did, or what you’ve been through.”

He kisses her again softly. Breathing in through his nose lightly, his hand on her back pulling her in closer and closer. He didn’t want to let her go, and she was more than happy staying in his embrace forever.

He pulled back softly, “I lied to you.” He whispered against her lips.

“When?” She asked, scared to know the answer.

“I do remember you from Derek’s wedding, he told me about you a long time ago. I told him I was ready for dating again when you told him about Mark,” he couldn’t look at her.

“That’s not a huge lie,” she smiled softly. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking at you all night, with that little blond boy. You two were so sweet, Mark got really mad at me for staring at you actually.”

“Derek told me when he hurt you, he came to my apartment right after so he wouldn’t go and kill him,” Spencer’s voice was so low she had to stare at his lips to understand him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she shook her head softly, kissing the tip of his nose. “Thank you.”

“I don’t want to go back to my cell,” he whispered as he pressed his forehead against hers.

Breaking her heart in the process.

She kissed his cheeks and his lips a few times, peppering kisses to his soft face to make up for it. “We can’t do this again until you’re free,” she whispered.

“I understand.”

“So you better think long and hard about this woman you remember so I can track her down and shove her in that cell instead,” Y/N’s stern voice made him smile.

“Thank you,” he replied again, hugging her the way he promised he would thank her from now on.

—

For being 9 pm on a spring night, it was rather warm in the Vermont parking lot. She left the prison a while ago, not able to leave Spencer’s gravitational pull yet as she sat there, staring at the prison thinking about him alone in his cell instead of pressed against her chest for the rest of the night.

Thinking about the feeling of Spencer’s hands on her body and his tender lips. Her hand over her mouth as she remembered how his bottom lip ghosted over her own, the anticipation was enough to light her on fire.

She took out her phone and called Derek, knowing he would put her on speaker if they were already in bed for the night. Really needing her best friends right now.

“Hey kick-ass, how are you doing today?” Derek’s voice was overly cheery, “Hey!” Savannah added in the background.

“I’m in love with him.”

Chapter 6

She barely slept anymore. Waking up at 6 am every morning without her alarm clock, her heart physically aching to return to Spencer's side after a night without him. She felt like a love-sick school girl, wanting to be with him all day even if they had nothing to say. Just looking at him was enough to make her happy.

A few weeks passed. Weeks filled with smiles and laughter, singing and reading, inside jokes and shared jello cups. She was so madly in love with him, hugging him every morning when he arrived and every night before he left. Keeping her word, kissing him on the cheek every so often instead.

She started a routine of picking up a coffee and a donut for Spencer every single Thursday, worried that he probably thought about his case all night, yet again. Which only kept her up worrying all night about him, wondering if he was doing okay all alone.

Only getting sleep when she remembered that he had a photo of her, his mom, Derek and hank with him. He’d be okay.

She walked into the infirmary to find Jerry and Mike waiting for her with a guard. Mike bleeding all down his face while Jerry held his clearly broken hand.

“You two are going to be the death of me,” she sighed. Putting all her things in her office before coming back to care for them.

She excused the guard, telling him she had it from here. They wouldn’t put up any more fights with her, they looked up to her like a momma bear, and they were her terrible cubs.

“It is 7:33 am, who the fuck did you have to fight this early?” She whisper yelled at them. Not wanting to wake Leo in the care ward, “who is worth this?”

“You don’t want to know,” Mike said under his breath.

“Well clearly he’s not here, is he dead or in violent crimes? If you two fucked up our plan of me helping you during parole next year, I’m going to be pissed,” she tried her best to entice the answers out of them.

“It was Shaw,” Jerry said softly. “He was planning to hurt the new guy, he’s all fake buddy-buddy with him.”

“Excuse me?” She panicked.

“He’s been talking to Milos at night in the locker room, Wilkins lets him out of his cell and into gen-pop,” Mike carried on the story as she tried to clean the blood off his eyebrow.

“What are they going to do to Spence?”

“Spence?” Jerry teased her, poking her side. “I didn’t know he had a nickname already. Why haven’t we met him yet?”

“I’ve kept him locked away to be safe, I’m going to find a way to keep him here at night,” She said softly. “He’s best friends with my brother, I can’t let him get hurt.”

“So you knew him in freedom land?”

She nodded, “a little.”

“All you need is a bandaid,” she changed the subject as she reached into her kit. “And Jerry I’m going to have to set your fingers back in place, if you scream in my face, I will kick you in the nuts.”

They laughed at her fake tuff guy act, never actually being able to hurt them. They were her buddies, giving her a big hug after she finished with them. Getting them both a pudding and telling them to stay put for the day if they wanted to.

Spencer found her in the lab when he arrived, she knew it was him when the door opened, no one else had a passkey to get in. She was writing down some numbers on a chart when he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

She dropped her pen and turned around in his grasp, holding his face in her hands immediately as she pulled him into a quick kiss.

“I thought you said I couldn’t do that again till I’m free?” He asked softly. Kissing her a second time as he finished.

She smiled against his lips, “you’re free when we’re alone.”

He kissed her harder. His hands around her waist as he picked her up slightly. Twirling her around as they kissed, she laughed against his skin. Unable to stop herself from smiling as she held onto him.

She kissed him one last time as he put her down on the floor, “I have a coffee and donut for you in my office.”

“You’re too good to me, Sugar Pie.”

“Anything for you, Honey Bunch,” she bit her lip as she smiled at him again. So absolutely overwhelmed with love for him.

“I actually have a serious question to ask you,” his tone changed, making her concerned.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m still trying to figure out more about that night, and I think I want to try exposure therapy,” he explained. “I was wondering if you’d help me get high, so I can remember what happened in the same mindset.”

“Okay,” she nodded softly. “I can book you in for the night here, say you’re under observation, and I’ll stay here with you.”

“Are you sure?”

She kissed him softly again, looking up at him with a smile after. “If you’re sure about it, I’ll help you. But we need some ground rules.”

“Of course,” he agreed. Letting go of her as she stepped back, leaning against the counter now.

“No kissing, nothing like that, we’ll do it in my office so you can be alone and then later you’ll sleep in the observation room. Leo is in there, he’s harmless and sleeps all night on his morphine anyway,” she explained. “I’m not going to take advantage of you, I don’t want you to regret it. It’s going to be hard to sober up again once you get a taste of euphoria in here.”

He nodded along as she set the rules, “those are good. Thank you.”

“They drugged you with heroin, and while I know where to get some, I’m not letting you do that,” she laughed. “I have Dilaudid in pills and liquid morphine.” Letting him pick his poison.

“The pills will be fine,” he said softly.

“Alright,” she smiled. “And if you want, when you get out I can take you to a meeting? You’ll need to talk to someone other than me, someone who gets it.”

“You’ll stay with me after all this?”

“As long as you let me,” she felt her heart grow 3 sizes at the way his puppy dog eyes stared back at her. “Go have your breakfast and I will come to see you soon, okay honey?”

His smile was glorious, she could feel the love radiating off him as he looked at her. It felt wonderful, knowing at that moment her feelings weren’t one-sided. That he wanted her just as bad as she wanted him. He was going to be good to her.

—

She had mike and Jerry help her move the couch from the break room and into her office, allowing them to meet Spencer, finally. It was awkward at first, two big muscle men telling him how much they also loved their Sugar.

“Should we tell him?” Mike nudged Jerry.

“What?” Spencer asked softly, sitting at his desk on the other side of the room, really not enjoying their alpha energy.

“Shaw, Milos and Wilkins are all secretly buddies, they were planning to hurt you and so Mike and Jerry beat Shaw up in the yard,” she scrunched her face as she explained it, not ready for his reaction.

“How?”

“After they cut that kid's throat, they wanted to get you to run heroin for them. But you ended up in here, we heard them in gen-pop last night saying they wanted to get you,” Jerry explained as he played with the bandages on his hand. “He won't be out of the violent offender's infirmary for a while.”

“Thank you,” he replied to them with a pressed-lipped smile. “I need to call my team about the case.”

That was their queue to leave, Y/N patting them on the back for the help, telling them they could stay with Leo or go back to the yard, she didn’t care. They just couldn’t be in her office for this.

Spencer looked a little pissed off. “I didn’t ask them to do that,” she said, defensively.

“I’m not mad at you,” he shakes his head softly as steps into her space. “You’re the only person I can trust in here.”

She placed her hand on his chest softly, “call Penelope. Take your time on the phone with the team.” She handed him her cell phone, “FaceTime them if you want. See their faces, it’ll be okay.”

He hugged her, a silent thank you. She ran her hands over his back as she pressed her face into his neck. Holding back every instinct to tell him she loved him as she pulled away.

“I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Okay,” he smiled. Taking her phone, “how do I?”

She couldn’t help laughing, “here,” she dialled Penelope’s cellphone number and hit the FaceTime button.

Seeing her beautiful, bright and bubbly face smile as she answered. “Hey! Oh my god, hold on,” they watched as she got up and ran down a hallway.

Spencer was instant giggles and smiles, a side of him she’s never seen before. True, pure love. This was his family, these were his people. She could see herself fitting into his little world one day.

“Guys! It’s Spencer!” She yelled as she ran into another room.

“What’s wrong?” “Is he okay?”

Suddenly she turned the phone sideways to show all his co-workers. “Hi!” He waved to them.

“Spence!” Emily and JJ cheered, “oh you look so good.”

“I feel good, how are you all?” He asked softly, taking her phone and sitting down at his desk.

She watched him softly from the door, slipping out when she saw his attention was fully on his past life. She walked down the hall towards the lab, hearing his laughter through the walls.

—

She placed 2 pills in a plastic cup, taking an apple juice and jello from the fridge for Spencer. She placed it on his desk 20 minutes before his shift ended, giving him a little space to decide when he wanted to. He told her that he get’s cold when he comes down from a high, so she leaves a fluffy blanket and a pillow on the couch before slipping back out of the room.

She returned to the care unit, looking over Leo as he got ready for the night. Administering his meds and wishing him a good night. She closed his curtain, so when Spencer eventually went to bed he wouldn’t be disturbed.

When she finally settled into her office for the night, Spencer was in the dark. Sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. “Hey,” he said softly.

“How are you?” She asked softly. Closing the door behind herself. Locking it and making sure all the blinds were closed.

“It’s going to hit soon,” he said softly. Suddenly embarrassed and closed off, hiding from her as he laid down.

She didn’t want to bother him, sitting at her desk with her reports. The light from the computer is just enough to see what she was looking at. She glanced at him every few minutes to make sure he was okay.

He enjoys it at first, a blissed-out look on his face as his head is tossed back against the couch. She knows the exact euphoria he’s feeling, she understood perfectly why someone would want to escape like that.

Then his face changes as he starts to hate it, he mumbles to himself with his eyes squeezed shut, she could see him gripping the sheets as he tries to force himself to remember.

She’s uncomfortable watching it, feeling like an intruder. She tried to only focus on her work, flipping through emails and Twitter, scrolling through Facebook for the first time in months to preoccupy her mind.

He was like that for at least an hour.

She could hear his teeth chattering as he came down, just like he said would happen. “You okay, honey?”

“Y-yeah,” he tried to speak through the shaking. “C-can we cuddle?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, turning on her desk lamp before joining him on the couch.

She pulled him up into a sitting position, sitting where his head once was and letting him settle into her lap. She ran her hands through his hair, combing through the locks as she shushed him. Running her hand up and down his back in a tender motion, he snuggled into her leg.

“I’m not that high anymore,” he says softly.

“I know, it’s okay if you are. I’m not going anywhere tonight.”

“I love you,” he whispers.

It makes her stop. Her whole body stills at the words, he wanted to clarify so she’d know it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. She closes her eyes and squeezes them shut, biting her lip as she tries not to burst into tears.

He felt it too.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, “sit up.” She instructs him softly.

She laid down against the couch then, waiting for him to snuggle into her side. Wrapping the blanket around them both as they found the most comfortable position.

“Sorry,” he whispered against the crook of her neck.

“It’s okay, it just feels wrong for me to say it back right now. I feel the same, believe me, Spencer.” She wanted to assure him to the best of her ability. “But you’re still an inmate in my care, I can’t. Not yet.”

“You don’t have to,” he pulled back to look her in the eyes, his own still droopy from how tired the drugs made him. “I’m going to love you regardless.”

She broke her own rules. Kissing him softly, holding him close to her, under the blanket where both their body heat was trapped. She had never felt safer in her entire life.

Spencer only crawling into that bed in the care ward when he woke up to her alarm the following morning.

Chapter 7

There’s someone banging on her office door just a little after 8 am. She was in the middle of putting a new pair of scrubs on over her long-sleeve undershirt, the banging on her door doesn’t stop until she opens the door.

“What?” She yells at them.

It’s Officer Wilkins. “Where is inmate Reid? We have a visitor for him.”

“No one is scheduled to see him today?”

“There is now. Where is he?” The man towered over her. Trying his best to intimidate her.

“Care ward. I’ll get him. You can go wait in the waiting room,” she pushes past him. Watching him stumble as he hits the wall.

“He’s not worth dying over,” he whispers under his breath.

She doesn’t leave Reid’s side as Wilkins attempts to escort him to an interrogation room. Y/N stands in the observation room as Spencer waits, cuffed to the table. Looking through the mirror at each other, only he couldn’t see her. He just knew she would be there.

“Mom?” Spencer’s shocked voice breaks her out of her thoughts as she sees Diana walking into the room.

A dark-haired woman she’s never met before escorting her in. Y/N whips her phone out to take a quick photo before running back to her office as quickly as she can.

Y/N: I need you to check on Cassie, Diana’s nurse. Someone I don’t know just brought Diana to the prison.

She attached the photo she took, setting her phone down to looking through the visitor's logs on her computer. Wanting to know the name of the woman accompanying Diana.

“I’m sorry,” the familiar voice says from her doorway.

She looks up at him from her desk. Wilkins is stepping into her space with a look of guilt, taking his baton off his belt.

“You don’t have to do this,” she backed up against the wall, trying to keep as much distance from him as possible.

“I have to,” his tone changed. Like a personality switch, his eyes darkened as he charged at her.

She ran around the desk, watching him follow. Punching her in the face, causing her to fall back against the couch, she didn’t want him to get on top of her. Dropping to the carpeted floor as he dove onto the couch.

She crawled on the floor towards the door as he tried to get up. Standing as fast as she could, roundhouse kicking him in the face with a grunt. Her foot hit his jaw at just the right angle, rendering him unconscious.

She reached for his cuffs as soon as he hit the floor, “Leo!! Help!” She screamed down the hall.

She heard bare feet running down the hall, followed by the sound of rubber on linoleum. “Sugar??” Mike and Jerry yelled as they followed.

“Watch him,” she insisted once the cuffs were on him. “Hurt him if you have to.”

She took the second pair of cuffs off Wilkins's belt before running out of the room, her lip busted and bleeding down her neck.

She ran down the hall towards Spencer, busting into the room and knocking the nurse to the ground. Struggling to get her onto her stomach, “stop struggling, who the fuck are you?”

“Get off me!” She screamed in return.

Y/N cuffed her and pulled her to her feet, pushing her against the stone wall.

“What is going on?” Spencer stood up, cuffed to the table so he couldn’t help.

“Wilkins just attacked me, Diana wasn’t supposed to be here,” she said over her shoulder in Spencer’s direction. “So I’ll ask again,” she whispered in the woman's ear as she pushed her against the wall harder. “Who, the fuck! Are you?”

“He knows me,” she spat out.

Y/N ripped her off the wall, making her look at Spencer who was shocked, speechless as he tried to remember her face. “Who is she?”

“She told me Cassie was fired, she’s been with me all morning?” Diana tried to explain, slightly freaking out.

“I sent her photo to Penelope, I need a guard,” Y/N said, hauling the unknown women into the hall with her.

—

The prison was put on lockdown as they tried to figure out this security breach. Wilkins and the nurse being held in prison custody as they waited for the BAU team to fly in.

Figuring out that her name was Lindsay Vaughn, Spencer remembered as much as he could about her. How he tried to save her dad, losing him to his carnal need to kill. Lindsay following closely in her daddy's footsteps.

Diana sat at Spencer’s desk, Mike and Jerry stand watch at the door. Y/N was sitting on top of her desk in front of Spencer, it was his turn to run alcohol over her cuts. Holding her face in his hands as he cared for her.

“I'm sorry,” he mouths the words at her. Not wanting his mother to overhear them.

She nods in response, unable to smile as the cut on her lips stings. All things considered, she could have been in a lot worse condition if it wasn’t for Derek and her training.

She wants to kiss him, she can tell he’s looking over her shoulder at his mom. Waiting to make sure she’s not looking before he leans in a little closer.

Pressing their lips together as silently as possible, his eyes still on her’s as they did so. It’s the most tender kiss she’s ever had, “I’m okay Spence,” she said softly as he pulled back.

“I’m still sorry you were dragged into this,” holding her against his chest softly.

From where she was sitting on top of her desk, she placed her head on his chest, holding him as close as she could, his cheek resting on her head. She wrapped her legs around him, not wanting to let him go, ever.

Needing the comfort he brought her, now more than ever.

When Derek and she started training again it was mostly to help her feel safe. To know what to do if it happened again. She didn’t ever expect it to, thinking it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. That she’d learn from it and then she wouldn’t be in this situation again, being punched in the face by a man.

She started to cry, the throbbing pain in both her face and her foot taking over as the adrenaline dissipated, she was too overwhelmed to do anything more. He let her cry against him, rubbing his hand on her back as he kissed her forehead.

She couldn’t wait for him to get out of here, and she was going to leave with him.

—

Derek is the first to burst through the door. Wrapping Spencer up in the biggest hug she’s ever seen him give. Rocking Spencer back and forth in his grasp as he kissed Spencer's cheek a few times.

He pulled back, holding Spencer's face in his hands. Smiling so he didn’t cry, “they’re dropping the charges.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope,” Derek shakes his head adding, “You’re free.” Expecting Spencer to hug him again.

Instead, Spencer turns to Y/N and pulls her into a kiss. She’s startled at first, eyes wide open as Spencer’s hands find her waist and pulls her right up against him.

She can't help but settle against him. Holding his face in her hands as she kisses him back. He picks her up slightly, spinning her around with his face buried in her neck as she yelps.

Everyone in the room watching him celebrate with her in shocked silence.

He placed her back on the ground, kissing her one last time. “You did it, Spence,” she smiles at him.

“We did it.”

She hears someone clearing their throat. Both of them turning to see the Warden as well as the entire BAU team standing in her doorway. But they don’t pull apart, Spencer’s hand stays on her side as they wait to get yelled at.

“I quit,” Y/N said before he could say anything to her, “and I might sue.”

“I’m suing for sure,” Spencer added.

“We’re terribly sorry for the condition of your stay Doctor Reid. And Doctor Y/L/N, I’ll never be able to make it up to you. I’m incredibly sorry for what Wilkins did,” the warden tried to cover his ass from a bureau lawsuit.

“Too late for that,” Emily added. Stepping into the room more. “Doctor Reid will be leaving with us, now.”

“Understood,” the Warden hurried out of the room before any more damage could be done.

Everyone took a turn hugging Spencer then. A handful of them even hugging Y/N as well.

Emily wrapped Y/N up in a hug, rubbing her back the way she would all those years before. “Thank you, you have no idea what he means to us.”

“I think I do,” she laughed against her. “If that’s not weird?”

“Not at all,” she pulled back, looking at Y/N with her big beautiful eyes, her bangs pushed out of the way so she could take a good look again. “You two are good together.”

She smiled, “thanks Em.”

“We need to fill him in on everything, will you stay with Diana?” Emily asked.

“Of course, I’m just going to be packing up some things anyway,” she said as she turned to Spencer. “Have fun with your friends, honey.”

“Thanks, sugar,” he kissed her on the cheek before walking out. Everyone whistling and hollering at the boldness Dr. Reid had developed in prison.

They all filed out after him, she watched the door with a soft smile as they wandered down the hall, Spencer taking them to the break room so they could chat.

“Thank you, Y/N,” Diana’s small voice came from Spencer’s desk.

“Oh, Diana,” she smiled. “Can I give you a hug?”

Diana nodded as she walked over to her, wrapping her up in a hug, much like how Spencer would. She can imagine Spencer’s hugs once feeling like this, imagining him small and shy, holding her slightly. Unlike his more beefy, relaxed form since being in prison.

“He means the world to me too,” she says softly as Diana pulls away.

“You saved him, if he didn’t have you he might not still be my soft and sweet little Spencer,” Diana patted her shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for making him,” she laughed slightly. “He’s a wonderful man, I have a feeling you played a big role in that.”

Her smile was just like his. The smile of a mother, someone who was going to love him forever, maybe she’d love her too. Y/N felt a little emotional, this could be her family one day.

Chapter 8

There was a lot of information to process as she sat at the BAU round table.

Learning the entire plot of some women’s revenge against Spencer, just how much Wilkins and Lindsay were involved, the crazy scheme they planned and how terribly it would have ended if she wasn’t there.

Spencer, on the other hand, was visiting this Cat person in prison. The one who orchestrated it all, the one who was obsessed with Spencer, the love of her life, to the point she might be having his baby. He had some things to settle with her.

He was on edge before he left, going with Derek and JJ while Y/N stayed back with Diana. David Rossi had even offered to let them all stay at his guest house later that night, seeing as Spencer’s apartment was a crime scene.

Lindsay murdered Cassie, leaving her dead body on Spencer’s apartment floor. Ruining the place he was so desperate to return to.

She was a little out of it. Trying to think of everything that happened and everything she would have to do in the next few days. Compiling a list in her mind as the anxiety bubbled in her gut.

She needed a new job and a new place to live. First, she’d have to go back to Vermont to pack, and she’d have to find a way to support her boys on Parole. And Mike and Jerry.

She put her hands over her face and rested against the table. Overwhelmed with everything, her face still hurting, the lights were too much, she was tired.

Then she was crying softly.

“Hey,” Emily rubbed her back softly. “Shhh, it’s okay, what’s wrong Y/N?”

She sat up and wiped her eyes with a small laugh, embarrassed that her kinda ex-girlfriend was comforting her. “I’m stressed?” She answered, not even really sure herself.

Emily smiled while she nodded, looking so different now than she did back when they first met. Older, but in a beautiful way, gracefully becoming who she was always meant to be. “I get it, believe me.”

She remembered Derek saying she ‘died’ once. How they buried her casket and how pissed they were when they found out she was actually alive. Y/N only knew Emily re-born, as they called her.

She was always caring, always wanted to comfort and make people happy. It was the way she coped with hurting them all, but it carried on past the team. It carried on to strangers, victims, sometimes even unsub’s.

And most definitely Y/N.

There was a part of Y/N that wonders what loving Emily would have been like; if it would have felt half as good as loving Spencer. Or would it be better? She’d never really know, but she could imagine it would have been nice.

“How can we help?” Emily asked, still as wonderful as ever.

“I need a new job,” she laughed. “Can Penelope use her mad skills to find a reputable business in need of a doctor around here?”

“Are you moving back to Virginia?” She smiled at the thought.

“Yeah,” Y/N nodded, a smile growing on her face. “I’m kind of attached to Spencer now.”

“Good, maybe Derek can help you find a place, he has like, what 7? Right now that he’s fixing up?” Emily threw out ideas. “You’ll get the ball rolling soon, it’ll all be fine.”

“Thank you,” she said softly. “For not giving up on him, I know you would never but, I was worried he had lost all hope and you never did. Thank you.”

Emily hugged her again, not saying anything. Y/N knew there was nothing to thank her for, this was a family. They would kill for each other if they needed to.

“Let’s go see Penelope,” Emily replied as she pulled away. Standing and extending a hand for Y/N.

The BAU offices were so interesting, many people running around to get jobs done before the end of the day as the main team chilled. It was like any other office she was in; controlled chaos and hierarchy.

Diana was sitting with Penelope in her office, flipping through a scrapbook while eating a jello cup. It made her smile to see it ran in the family.

“Hey,” Penelope cheered as she noticed them.

“I was just going to ask for some help with something, I see you’re busy,” Y/N awkwardly commented on the situation.

“Oh, we’re not,” Diana said. “I was showing her photos of Spencer. Would you like to see them?”

“I’d love to, um while I’m here, Penelope would you be willing to help me search for a good job?” She asked a lot mousier than Spencer would have if he was asking her for something.

“Of course, what are we looking for?” She wheeled to her main computer, cracking her knuckles as she got ready to look.

“Um, anyone hiring a GP close to here, I’m willing to go all the way to DC for work,” she explained. “I just want a place where I won't get punched again,” she tried to laugh at the trauma.

“The sanatarium is hiring, they’ve got good ratings and not a lot of patient complaints, they’re looking for a physician to care for the elderly members of the program,” Penelope explained as she clicked through screen after screen of info.

“That would be nice,” she smiled towards Diana. “Did you like the one you were at?”

“Oh yes,” Diana mused. “I had many friends there, I miss them and the social aspect. For a bunch of loons, I really loved the company.” She laughed at herself.

“I send the link to you,” Penelope smiled. “Now let me see his little baby bum again that one is my favourite, he’s so funny,” she leaned back in close to Diana.

All the pictures were priceless. Seeing Spencer grow up, page after page, every award and accomplishment displayed proudly. It made her miss her family, the love that a mother could bring to her life.

She got a little emotional, trying to nonchalantly wipe the tear off her cheek as she watched Diana flip a page.

“Are you okay?” She asked softly.

Y/N laughed, “yeah I just miss my mom.” She scrunched her nose so that the tears stayed in, waving her hand in front of her face as she tried to blink the tears back.

“Where is she?” An innocent question opening the floodgates.

“She had cancer,” Y/N cried softly. Not noticing as Emily and Penelope left the room. Giving them a space to bond.

“She died when I was 26,” she explained.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Diana placed her hand on Y/N’s back as she rubbed her softly. “Do you have any other family?”

“My moms are gay, well. After my mom died I stopped talking to her wife, yes she raised me but she hurt my mom too much for me to love her like a parent,” Y/N unloaded her trauma onto Diana, it must be genetic to find comfort in the Reids.

“Spencer never had a father either,” Diana related to her. “After William left it was just us, and Spencer stepped up to being the man of the house. He’s always been thrown into situations where he has no control but he needs to make the decisions. You’re probably the best person he could be with, he doesn’t have to take care of you.”

“Cause I baby him,” she laughed as she wiped stray tears off her cheeks. “He’s pretty wonderful, you did a fantastic job. Both of you did, look at the love you have. This is a perfect family.”

She gestured to the book of photos, seeing the love beaming off Diana’s face as she held a 12-year-old Spencer in her arms. Braces, on his face, thick glasses, long hair. He was adorable.

“You’re welcome to join,” Diana offered softly. “I’ve always wanted a daughter.”

“Why didn’t you?” She asked softly.

“Why have more when you can stop at perfection,” she smiled, the same wonderful smile Spencer had.

“That he is,” she agreed. “Thank you for him.”

“Thank you, I mean it when I say you saved him,” Diana’s serious look making Y/N cry again.

“I know,” she cried. “And I’d do it again.”

In a heartbeat.

—

Rossi had 3 rooms ready for use in his guest house. Only 2 were ever used during their stay. They spent a few nights recovering together, helping Diana into a new routine for a few days while trying to just spend as much time as possible together out in the real world.

Rossi’s property was huge, never-ending even. He had lake access, ponds with ducks, fields and fields of long grass topped with flowers. It was like a dream getting to explore it together.

Happiness hit her like a freight train, smacking her in the chest and knocking the wind out of her.

She blinked and suddenly she had been waking up in Spencer’s arms for a week straight. Going on adventures together, waiting for him with a coffee outside his NA meetings, holding him all night long.

He had a hard time adjusting to a real bed again, it was too soft. He spent most of his time with his head on Y/N's chest, letting her rub his back slowly as she kissed his head, helping him drift off to sleep every single night. Causing her to fall deeper and deeper in love with him.

Every day beside him was a blessing, no longer was he a dog trapped in a cage. He was free, running with her through the fields like wild horses.

She woke up with him still snuggled into her, arm around her waist, legs tangled together, his face right in the crook of her neck. His hot breath on her skin being the thing that finally woke her up.

Absentmindedly running her fingers through his hair, eyes still closed as she woke up. Snuggling her cheek against the top of his head, causing him to pull her in tighter. Both of them slowly coming alive again.

“I love you,” her voice coarse from sleeping with her mouth open, dry as she licked her lips. It was the only thought that came to her mind. Not even realizing it was the first time she’s said it to him.

Spencer kissed her neck softly, “I love you.”

She couldn’t believe the happiness she was feeling, almost positive that even in her saddest moments she still loved him just this much. He was everything, even under all the scares and trauma, he was the most wonderful person in her whole world. And she was beyond blessed to be holding him in her arms.

The sun was barely up yet, having fallen asleep around 10 pm last night, they were up way earlier than they expected. It was so nice, the deep orange light of the morning sun creeping through the window behind the bed.

“Do you want to go watch the sun come up?” She asked softly.

“Yeah,” he nodded softly. Sitting up with her to get ready.

They put on track pants and sweaters and shoes, grabbing a few blankets and heading outside. A few minutes of walking behind Rossi’s house led them towards a beautiful little pond, they laid out 2 blankets over the dew-soaked grass before cuddling on top of it.

The birds were performing for them, the clouds were cleaning into the most beautiful morning blue sky she had ever seen. She couldn’t help herself from holding him tighter against the blanket.

The sun shined on the water, casting beautiful pinks and oranges across the surface as it stretched into the sky. A few ducks followed their mommas in the May morning breeze, quacking in agreement as they swam across the pond. Playing a game of following the leader.

It was a dream, she was sure of it. It was all too perfect to be real.

Including Spencer, he laid there softly underneath her, holding her against his chest as she appreciated the world around them. His attention only on her, even after being locked up for 3 months. He would always choose her.

“I’m so happy,” she said softly. “You make me so happy.”

He kissed her on the forehead, pushing her back against the blanket so he could kiss her whole face as she laid there. Smiling as she held his sides, letting him smother her in affection.

When he finally stops kissing her, he brushes her hair behind her ear. Cupping her face with one hand as he looks at her. The sun casting a vibrant glow on the both of them as they appreciated each other for a moment.

“I don’t know how I made it so long without you,” he finally speaks. “But I never want to do it again.”

“Move in with me?” She replied without a second thought. “I need to find a place here anyway, and I doubt you want to go back to your apartment.”

“I already asked Derek for the place he was fixing on Wilmont, it’s close to the sanatarium, mom wants to be social again,” he filled her in on his plans. “We just have to sign the lease.”

“We?” She teased him.

“I love you,” he reminded her.

“Good,” she smiled as she pulled him into another kiss. “Because I love you, too.”

Spending time with Spencer was intimacy in its purest form. It was a relationship built on trust, respect, and mutual love. It was the first time in her life she felt truly in love, not mesmerized by the idea of it.

She trusted him when he said that he loved her. She believed him when held her when he talked to her about his day or the most random things his mind could conjure. When he’d just hold her, enjoying her presence without wanting anything more than just her.

Chapter 9

They arrived in Vermont early on a Saturday morning, heading to her apartment to pack everything up. It was just the two of them this time, flying in together, half asleep at the break of dawn.

Only bringing 1 bag with her essentials for the next 2 days, hoping to pack her whole life into a truck and pray it arrived in Virginia okay.

And she got to show Spencer her space. A personal side of her that he had no idea about. He knew her mind, her feelings, her trauma, but he didn’t know what her personality was really like outside of loving him.

He was surprised by the amount of stuff she had. Wandering around her apartment quietly as she started taping boxes into shape.

Rented white walls enclosed the space when she moved in, not being able to paint them or anything felt wrong to her. So she covered them in photos, artwork and posters. Bringing the space to life with a touch of colour.

Mostly neons, having an affinity for green and purple accent pieces. Not a single shade of blue to be found, getting enough of that at work over the years.

She had plants everywhere, an old record player and a million different albums spread across the living room. Her bedroom was a mess, the closet was even worse. The kitchen would be easy to pack, it was the stuff on the walls she was worried about.

“I’m probably not getting my deposit back,” she laughed as she started taking the paintings down.

“I didn’t know you went to Harvard?” He points at her medical degree on the wall as she takes it down.

“Yeah, let me guess you’re a Yale guy?” She teased him.

He scoffed, nudging her arm lightly. “CalTech and MIT actually, Yale was my safety school.”

“Mine too,” she smiled.

Spencer stood beside her and watched for a minute, “what should I do?”

“Pick an area and pack the way you would if this was your place, I trust you won't break anything.”

“Okay,” he nodded, beginning stacking all her books on the kitchen table.

They worked well together, they knew that already. She put on music, they moved around each other freely. Occasionally singing the words and dancing around to the good ones. It was a lovely day to just open the windows and clean.

Hours passed, pizzas had been ordered and destroyed, boxes filled every corner of the space as her personality was completely ripped from the room. Soon it was just them, a couch and the record player.

She got up and walked into the bedroom to change, feeling sticky and gross from the day. Not expecting Spencer to follow and sit down on the edge of the bed.

“Who knew packing boxes for 7 hours would make you so sweaty,” she jokes as she peels the shirt off her back. Standing in front of him in just her sports bra.

He turns away from her, making her laugh slightly. “Spencer, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” He asks as he turns back to look at her.

She nods softly, “do you want to shower with me?”

He’s speechless for a moment, staring at her with an open mouth, “yeah, yes sure.”

She can't help herself from laughing, taking his hand and pulling him into her tiny bathroom. She makes sure they both have a few towels, seeing him awkwardly stand by the door like he’s not allowed to move.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she reminded him. “Go as slow as you want.”

“I want to join you, but just to clean,” he made his decision.

“Alright, I have 3 different shampoos you can choose from,” she smiled, opening her cupboard and letting him pick. He smiled, appreciating how easily she made it a strictly business situation.

She took off her pants, watching him get undressed out of the corner of her eye. They had been much more intimate with each other already, getting naked in front of him shouldn’t have been as nerve-racking as it was.

She turned on the water, making sure it was the right temperature with her foot. She took a deep breath and just took the sports bra off, freeing her boobs after a long day felt amazing, replacing the fear of Spencer seeing her for the first time. She dropped her underwear to the floor and stepped into the shower, waiting for him to do the same.

Before she knew it, he was standing in front of her, naked. She didn’t know how to act, just laughing and smiling at him. He did the same, it felt kinda crazy that they were standing in a shower, butt naked as the water pooled at their feet.

“You have to pull the thingy up,” she pointed at the bottom of the shower behind him. “It might be cold when it hits you, here pull it up and hide in the corner, like I do.”

He followed her instructions, pulling the small silver plug up to redirect the water from the tub faucet to the shower head. Cowering into the corner with her, their chests pressed together as the cold water hit his back, making him gasp as she laughed.

She wrapped her arms around him, leaning against the shower wall as she held him against her, “hi,” she whispered through her smile.

He kissed her quickly before backing up under the stream. She watched the water cover his hair, making it darker as it spread through the long locks. She watched it drip down his body softly, her eyes travelling down as it did.

He had a scar on his neck and all the bruising on his chest was long gone. His skin was so pretty, he only had a small amount of chest hair, but it was the collection of freckles all over capturing her gaze the most. She reached out and rested her hand on his chest, seeing his eyes open as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Sorry,” she pulled her hand back.

“It’s okay,” he laughed slightly. “Here,” he reached behind her for the bar of soap, “if you want to touch me while I wash my hair?”

“Yeah,” she smiled. Reaching for the loofa on the tap behind him, standing directly in his space as she did so.

They switched sides, slowly turning so he would be out of the spray of the shower head. He put shampoo in his hands and rubbed it through his hair while she watched quietly for a moment.

She rubbed the bar of soap against the fabric of the loofa, watching it foam up and fill the small space with a soft cucumber scent. Running it over his chest softly as he massaged his scalp. She was so soft with him, mesmerized by how lucky she was.

He was beautiful and soft. He wasn’t big and buff like Derek, he was just a normal man with a love for chocolate donuts and jello. She ran the loofa over his tummy as she smiled, loving everything about him.

Loving every part actually while trying to avoid both eye and physical contact with specific sections of him. Not knowing if he was okay, wanting to respect his space, and appreciating that he was doing the same with her.

He laughed when she ran it along his side, ticking his armpit as he tried to wash his hair, soap dripping down onto his eyebrow. She reached up and wiped it off his face so it wouldn’t go in his eye.

“Thanks,” he smiled.

“Switch?” She said as she guided him back under the water, his eyes still closed from the fear of getting soap in them. Scrunching his face up in the cutest way.

The water cascaded over his body, washing the soap down him as she watched, her hair not even close to being wet enough to wash yet. She just wanted to watch the show, to look at all of him and appreciate the moment.

He opened his eyes once all the soap was gone, his hair longer than ever as it laid flat behind his ears, he looked so funny without a big curly mop of hair on his head, remembering he said it used to be like this at one point.

“Your turn?” He offered, taking the loofa from her and reapplying the soap to it. “Can I?”

“Of course,” she answered as he slowly ran the material over her.

He was so gentle, she watched his face as he washed over her. Biting his bottom lip in concentration as he covered her chest, arms and stomach, “um,” he tried to speak, she knew what he wanted.

She took the loofa from him and replaced it with a bar of soap, “rub it in your hands for a sec, and then use them it’s easier.”

He did just that, lathering up his hands before he placed them directly on her breasts. She let out a sigh, bordering on a moan, as he held them in his hands, massaging the soap in carefully. Thumbs rubbing over her nipples as he made sure to not miss a spot.

She was in heaven, tossing her head back against the shower wall as he ran his hands over her more. Exploring her as she leaned against the wall.

Down her stomach, past her belly button, washing her hips before dropping to his knees. Using the bar of soap once more to wash over her legs as she stared at him, amazed by the bravery he was showing.

The water getting in his eyes down there, he stood and pushed his hair back out of his face as the water dropped to the floor, “turn around?” He asked softly.

“Yeah,” she replied, turning to face the wall.

He ran his soapy hands all over her back, over her shoulders and arms. Paying special attention to her butt, which made her laugh, she was only a little ticklish there.

She was covered head to toe in bubbles, Spencer looked at her with a big grin on his face as he noticed his job was done. Helping her under the water to wash all the soap off.

She lifted her arms to run the water through her hair, feeling her boobs perk up as she did so. Spencer's attention being completely switched to her chest as he watched. “Pass me the gold shampoo bottle?”

“Y-yeah,” he said, grabbing it from behind himself and handing it back to her.

She stepped into his space, pouring the soap into her hand and rubbing it in. “They say if you lather it up it’ll apply easier,” she explained her little life hack as she rubbed her hands together.

Finally running her hands back through her hair in Spencer’s personal bubble. Her boobs pressing against his chest once again. He was breathing heavier as she watched him, hoping soap didn’t make its way into her eye and ruin the moment.

When she finally stepped back to wash the soap out of her hair, Spencer followed, pressing them together once more. Holding her by the waist as she continued to get the soap out.

Once the water ran clean, she rested her hands on Spencer's shoulders. Staring at him as the water ran down her back, his eyelashes covered in water droplets as he stared into her eyes.

He was beautiful like this, just himself.

“Are we ever going to be like a real couple?” He asked softly.

“What do you mean?”

He ran his wet hands over his back as he thought about it for a moment, “I would like to be with you, more than this, but-”

“You mean sex?” She smiled softly, trying her best to not tease him. It was a serious moment, but she loved him too much to see him struggle.

“Yeah, I just don’t know how I’ll react,” he admitted.

“Honey,” she cooed, rubbing her nose against his softly. “Sex doesn’t make us a real couple, first of all. And second, we have all the time in the world, so you take it as slow as you want. We can start little by little, I don’t mind waiting.”

“How do you mean?”

She smirked at him, “have you ever masturbated in the same room as someone else?”

He swallowed sharply, shaking his head softly, “no, have you?”

“No,” she whispered. “But it’s a small step. You can sit beside me, we touch ourselves, nothing overlaps unless you want it to. Ease into it. It would be another easy way to be comfortable with your body around me.”

“Okay,” he agreed.

She reached behind herself to turn the water off, tapping the silver plug with her foot to release the pressure, and stepping out of the shower finally.

—

They dried off, getting into their pj’s before laying on the couch in her empty living room. Listening to the Hozier album that was already sitting on the player and cuddling while their hair dried. Just enjoying each other's company, he was so soft and he smelled amazing, it was so nice to have him in her space.

“Did you still want to?” Spencer cut into the moment.

It made her smile against him, lifting her head off his chest as she went to stand up. “Come on,” she took his hand, helping him to his feet.

She pulled him in close, kissing his lips softly. Only planning to kiss him once, being drawn into his mouth as his hands wrapped around her back.

She held him in return, slowly making her way into the bedroom as they stayed connected, laughing as her back smacked the door frame and then at the way he fell into her bed with her on top.

Her music softly travelled in from the living area, they kept the lights off as they stripped out of their pants and got under the covers.

“How did you want to start?” She asked, turning to face him as she laid against the pillow.

“Can we just kiss for a while?”

“Absolutely,” she smiled, placing a hand on his cheek and leaning in.

She was laying slightly on top of him, holding his face in her hands as she kissed him. His tongue was soft, swirling with hers as they made out softly. He was very handsy, wanting to touch every single part of her once again like he didn’t get enough in the shower.

She spread her leg between his, sitting on his thigh as she rubbed against him. He bit her lip, squeezing her skin at the feeling. “I think I can do it,” he said softly.

“No,” she whispered, kissing his neck before getting off him. “I don’t want to hear I think. It’s a yes or it’s a no.”

“Okay,” he managed to bring reason back into his horny brain.

He took his shirt off, only in boxers beside her, tenting in them slightly. She took off her shirt as well, laying back against the pillow. He watched her breasts the whole time, licking his lips as he leaned on his side.

She ran a hand over her side, cupping her breast and tossing her head into the pillow more. “I’m starting without you,” she teased, her other hand slipping under the band of her underwear.

He laid on his back, bending his knees as he slipped his boxers off, she looked over at him with careful eyes. Genuinely curious about how beautiful he would look rock hard and begging for it.

She didn’t move her hand, just resting it under her underwear to entice him to start. She watched as he stroked himself softly, returning his attention to her smiling face.

She pushed her shirt and underwear off as well, scooting in closer to him so she was pressed against his side. Bending one knee so she could ghost her fingers over the folds as he watched her.

“I want to touch you,” he rushed the words out.

“Okay.”

He reached his left hand over, resting it on her hip before resting his hand on top of hers. She slipped it out from under his grasp, guiding his fingers to her clit as she stretched her legs further apart.

“Yeah, like that,” she encouraged him.

“W-would you?”

“Finish the sentence,” she instructed him. “Tell me exactly what you want.”

“Stroke me, I want it. Yes.”

She wrapped her fist around him, feeling his fingers swoop down to see how wet she was. “Oh,” she jerked her hips against his side, not expecting him to loop the wetness back up and rub her clit again.

He groaned as she stroked him faster, both of them staring at their own handiwork. She was fascinated with how big he was, being able to stroke up and down him so gracefully it was like she was always meant to. She licked her lips as she saw the pearl of precum drip out. Gathering it up with her thumb as she slid back down his length.

He was panting, trying to hold himself back as she kept jerking him off. Lightly touching her clit as all his attention focused on not cuming so soon.

“It’s okay honey,” she whispered in his ear.

Straddling his thigh then. His hand resting on her clit still as she ground down on him. “Is this okay?” She asked.

He nodded, “yes,” biting his lip so he didn’t explode right then and there.

He felt amazing on her, every time her hips ground down her clit rested right between his fingers perfectly to gain the perfect amount of friction back and forth.

She let herself go, bucking her hips and moaning as she stroked him with one hand. Resting the other behind her neck so he could look at her boobs perk up again, sending him so close to the edge he almost jumped out of his skin.

“Fuck,” he gasped. “C-an I?”

“Cum baby,” she gasped. Following her own instruction as she watched the cum burst from him, shooting up over her fist as she stroked him through it. Grinding against him as she whimpered, “fuck, I love you,” leaving her mouth.

Letting go of his dick as he started to whine, she dropped down against him with her face nestled into his neck.

She kissed him, over and over again. Peppering them against his skin for the best orgasm she has ever had.

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close against his skin as he came down from the high. His chest heaving as he tried to calm down, only picking up again when she heard the sob.

“Shhh,” she whispered against his skin, letting him hold her tighter against him as he cried. “I love you, honey, it’s okay. I’m here for you.”

She felt the tears welling in her own eyes, overwhelmed with her feelings for him. “I love you so much Spencer,” she cried against his skin, the tears dripping down his neck slowly.

His hands ran over her back, they held each other while they cried.

Everything from the last week finally catching up with them both. They hadn’t taken a moment to talk about any of it, the fact he was even in prison or what happened after. They just moved on, pretending it was fine now.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered finally.

“Me too,” he pressed his hand onto her cheek, freeing her from his neck as she sat up a little.

Both of them still gross from the sex, pressing sweaty foreheads together as they took a moment. “I’m so sorry,” she emphasized, “are you okay?”

“I’m wonderful,” he laughed at the absurdity. “I’m crying because I love you so much.”

“Really?” She laughed too.

He nodded softly. Kissing her nose as she pulled back to look at him better. “I want to touch you but,” she laughed at the mess on her hand and where she rested it on his chest. “Can we pause for one sec?” She couldn’t stop smiling.

The two of them continuing to laugh at the situation as they cleaned up in the bathroom, laughing even harder as she sat to pee like they had been married for a million years already, laughing the hardest when it came out in dribbles from all the laughing.

Going through every emotion in the book as they coped with the insanity together.

Once they were clean they crawled back into bed. Resuming almost the same position as she sat down on his lap, holding his face in her hands like she wanted to. Rubbing her thumbs on his cheeks as he pulled her in closer by her hips.

“Tell me what you’re feeling?” She whispered.

“I’m happy, you saved my life and I can’t believe I get to do this with you,” he explained softly, moving his hands on her back. He talked with his hands, not able to say anything without them moving.

“You’re the best person I’ve ever known, Spencer,” she reassured him.

“Why?” He asked softly. “not in a pity party sense, I just want to know how you feel. You haven’t really told me, I’ve been waiting for you to open up, I thought maybe you were just like that because it was your job, but I want to know you more.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she bumped their noses together. “I don’t normally talk to people, even with Derek I’m really closed off. But I do trust you, and I want to, I just wanted to experience you when you’re free. I wanted to see if this overwhelming ache in my heart would dissipate as I was allowed to love you.”

She didn’t want to cry again. Blinking so the tears rolled back behind her eyes, licking her lips as her head tilted slightly. She just stared at his honey eyes, glossy and blown out. So absolutely beautiful.

“It got worse,” she laughed slightly. “I realized that now that you’re free you don’t have to see me every day, luckily you want to. But, now I think about losing you instead of keeping you safe.”

“Never,” he shook his head, face still cupped in her hands. “I’m never leaving you, you’re going to need a restraining order if you want to break up.”

She laughed, pushing the tears out, finally. Spencer kissed her cheeks, wiping the tears away with his lips. “Okay,” her voice broke as she tried not to cry anymore.

“I love you,” Spencer whispered. “You’re brave and kind, incredibly smart. You’re willing to do whatever it takes for the ones you love, you’re the only person I want to talk to every day.”

“I was going to say that about you,” she pressed their lips together finally, pushing him back against the headboard.

She laid her head on his shoulder, cuddling into him as she sat in his lap, “I have never loved anyone like this.”

“Me either,” he admitted as he pressed his cheek to her head. “Not even with Maeve, or Derek I know he told you.”

“And your mom,” she smiled. “She actually welcomed me to the family, said she always wanted a daughter. It’s nice to have a mom again.”

That broke him, he finally dropped the tuff boyfriend act he was putting up to hear her feelings, crying at his mother and the love of his life being close. She could tell he was a mamma’s boy, they had a bond Y/N wished she could have with someone. The closest she had to a Diana was Derek, as funny as that was.

She let him cry, not prying into it at all. Letting him take control of his emotions and the conversation. She ran her hands up and down his arm, soothing him softly as he held on to her.

“I was so scared,” is all Spencer says.

“I can imagine.”

“No, I mean about my mom,” he corrects her softly. “I thought the second she got her diagnosis that I ruined everything for her. She was going to forget me before I could even find a person to marry, let alone give her grandkids.

‘She was going to forget me,’ echoed in her mind as she wrapped her head around what he was saying. He was more terrified of losing his mother and missing time with her than he was about being in prison. He really put every ounce of his love into his family, it was beautiful.

“I applied to work at the sanatarium,” is how she answers. “They needed a GP and I need a job. This way I can see her every day, and you can go to work or teach or do whatever and know she’ll be okay. And old people seem nicer than cops and criminals.”

“I love you.”

She laughs, kissing his neck softly. “She’ll be okay, we’ll get her taken care of and who knows, maybe we’ll have more answers before a grandkid rolls around.”

It’s a risk, joking about having kids with him already. But she was ready for a life sentence with him, willing to stay in that god-awful prison as long as he was there. Including if he lost his case.

“You’re too good to me.”

“I try,” she smiled. “You’re pretty fantastic yourself, I didn’t just fall in love with your pretty face, sure you’re helpful and do what I say. But I love you because of what’s in here,” she ran her hand over his chest.

He just held her, silence encapsulating the room finally. The record stopped playing in the living room, no one was on the street at this time of night, the world stopped as she laid in his arms.

The Sunday morning sun was going to start coming up as she stayed up in his lap, both of them settling more against the pillow. She had no plans to get off him, he had no plans to separate from her loving embrace.

a/n: still working on an epilogue idk when it'll be done

Permanent tag list:

@ssacalumsg0lden @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @shemarmooresfedora @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @blanchardsbk @idonotexiste @measure-in-pain @dreams-in-blxck @doc-padfoot @nomajdetective @xoxospencerreid @mggswhorificlover @dinonuggets1967 @meganskane @kya-li @reidsbookclub @muffin-cup @sassymoon @shirleyrose @reidsacademia @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @spooky-goob @anaagraceeberr

[awetistic-things]

🧋 a vent ab my parent <3

cw^^ anxiety attacks mentioned, verbal abuse, self harm mentioned, caps

|🍄| keep yourself safe and don’t read this if you know it will trigger! Ava has some cool non trauma dump posts that you can look at instead! |🍄|

she calls me names all the time. like all of the time. it’s not just annoying, it hurts. like a lot. she calls me things like a*hole and weirdo, jokingly. I always laugh though as a coping mechanism (no clue why??). me and my brother called her Karen when that was trending and she can’t get over it. telling her to get over it is not an option. last time I told her how I felt she got super angry and said “you have no right to tell me what to do” or something like that. I actually didn’t even tell her what to do, I asked a rhetorical question which effectively acts as a statement. anyways, it triggered an anxiety attack or something (?) idk. I didn’t have trouble breathing I was just very emotional and scared to the point where I was going to call the police because I thought she was going to hurt me (physically or verbally) and I wasn’t sure anybody in my house would help me or would be able to. she’s remarked multiple times that she could “really be crazy”. I locked myself in the bathroom for safety. I turned the light off to prolong her not knowing I was in there. I actually hid in the bathtub where you wouldn’t be able to tell if I was in there so if she unlocked the door from the outside she wouldn’t find me immediately. since we’re already here talking about things she’s done she’s also called me &my brother racial insults. whenever she’s mad she calls us the nword and it feels racially motivated. my siblings and I are all half black. she’s also technically half black but nobody would perceive her as such. she has white skin, we do not. that same day I got super scared and stuff my mom requested something from my brother. he said no because he has the right to do whatever he wants including say no. she got mad and somehow (most things are foggy from that night) we ended up driving to McDonalds to grab some food. she was speeding which also triggered me because I’ve been in a car accident before and even though it wasn’t a total wreck, it was still traumatic. speeding and slamming breaks is very triggering for me. my school bus driver recently slammed on brakes for no reason. she was trying to make a point that we should wear seatbelts, which, point taken but that triggered me so bad. I know it’s not really her problem but I was holding back tears. anyways sry for tangent back to the story. so we were on our way to McDonalds and she’s speeding. as she’s speeding she’s going on and on about how my brother is an nword hard r for saying no to her after “aLl ShEs DoNe FoR hIm”. she’s done nothing but abuse him and I only have sympathy for him. she does this all the time. you say no and she gets so mad. she’s diagnosed with bipolar something but I’m not sure exactly what. I don’t talk about it because I’m afraid of her reaction. I’m scared that I will literally die. my siblings are moving out. as selfish as this is, I won’t have anymore protection. I’ll be her therapist and her outlet for anger, frustration, everything. my other parent isn’t even an option for me. I would rather be homeless than live with him. Surprisingly, I don’t self harm. that actually makes me feel very invalid but I’m pretty sure daily verbal abuse is sufficient trauma. (any trauma is “sufficient“!)

anyway that is a LONG ask. side note completely unrealted: my crushes name is ayva but I’m not gonna ask her out like ever bc she hates me for some reason (probably the autism!!) and is a suspected homophobe. but anytime I go back to your carrd to check your ask rules and stuff bc I always forget and/or wanna double check I think of her 💕. also if you want to hear more about my family issues or my crush (pls ask me to talk about her pls) or something I’ll do it ig?

if you actually sat here and read this whole thing ily forever and ever and ever! 🫂💏 /p

[tw: check ask]

[aro-culture-is]

Can I just vent? You're the only active aro blog I know (I would love blog suggestions if you have any!) When I was younger, like in middle school, even though I knew I was aro, I was less confident in myself and my orientation and dated a couple people. One of the boys I dated looked at my facebook and took all my favorite bands and songs and shows as a way to bond with me, bringing up his 'favorite' song and show and whatnot, which were actually MY favorite, to impress me. Like, I had a songs lyrics as my profile picture and a few days after I changed it to that, he had me listen to a song he 'really liked' and it was the song I had in my profile pic and he was such a bad actor when I pointed that out, telling me he didn't know (even though we talked over facebook) and what a coincidence! Now, even 10 years later, I still think of him and how uncomfortable I felt in our relationship and what he had me do that I was too nervous to say no to while we were together, when I hear those songs and shows and bands. It wasn't anything seriously bad, just going on dates and holding hands and kissing, but it makes me want to scream and cry. The things I love have forever been tainted by an innocent boy that I was too chicken to say no to and there's nothing I can do about it. The songs that used to be so important to me and used to inspire me now only make me think of being held against a wall against my will and being kissed by someone I don't like. And it wasn't even his fault cause I never said anything and we were young teens, how could anyone expect him to know how to read my body language and guess my thoughts. Or even to check in on me? I don't think it's anyone's fault since we were both so young and still learning, but I feel so sick about it. You don't have to give advice to this, or even post it if your uncomfortable, I just needed to get it out and vent to someone who may understand my feelings. <3

hi! I'm gonna break this down a little bit.

You're the only active aro blog I know (I would love blog suggestions if you have any!)

@raavenb2619 , my second blog @just-aro, @aromantic-aurea, are some great starting points.

When I was younger, like in middle school, even though I knew I was aro, [...] know (even though we talked over facebook) and what a coincidence!

yikes! I don't like that!

Now, even 10 years later, I still think of him and how uncomfortable I felt in our relationship [...] The things I love have forever been tainted by an innocent boy that I was too chicken to say no to and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel you on that. I think what can be important to recognize and acknowledge here is that... this sounds like that experience was traumatic for you. Something doesn't have to have been absolutely the worst thing, the most awful, or anything like that to have been traumatic. I personally tend to describe it as something which I could not emotionally handle or process at the time that has let a lasting impression on my mental health.

The songs that used to be so important to me and used to inspire me now only make me think of being held against a wall against my will and being kissed by someone I don't like. And it wasn't even his fault cause I never said anything and we were young teens, how could anyone expect him to know how to read my body language and guess my thoughts. Or even to check in on me? I don't think it's anyone's fault since we were both so young and still learning, but I feel so sick about it.

This is definitely a tough situation. Obviously, people can do bad things with no intention of doing something bad. But at the same time, it has left lasting trauma and songs you value are now triggers. I'd recommend talking to a therapist, if that's an option to you. Personally, I have CPTSD and plenty of triggers. Some have faded with time (though stress can make them 'come back'). To use a specific example: pineapples. I won't describe the reasons, though I will note that they were... related to a similar situation that went a fair bit further into actual malice. Regardless, it became a trigger.

Now, it's fairly inconvenient to have a completely innocuous trigger, though actually common. I wanted to stop feeling so bad about it. For me, what helped was a combination of things. First, I acknowledged, hey, this is a trigger. I feel distinctly uncomfortable when I see or hear this, and it reminds me of Bad Things. I found avoidance really wasn't an option - they're such a prominent ~aesthetic~ feature right now! So I had to do... something.

I found it was useful to redefine the trigger in my life now. I added humor - I automatically read it as "the tropical menace" or variations of that. During low stress times and environments, I'd consider how it's become an aesthetic factor that a lot of people like, but that I'm not really into. I redefined it for myself in my life as "that tropical menace which a lot of people think is super aesthetic." And... slowly, it stopped feeling so Big. So... instant and impactful. It's become a Thing. I don't like it but... I also didn't before the fact.

Treat yourself with kindness. Trauma recovery isn't really about "returning to where you were before" as much as "adjust and adapt to life as it is now". Maybe you can enjoy these songs through re-contextualizing them. Maybe other methods will help you more. I can't say.

Good luck, anon,

- mod kee