#that let me know i needed a drawing break from my ipad LOL

[nachtart]

[kitsunecrows]

study break! 🍵 (read tags)

[cyberphuck]

The Patreon Post

SO HERE'S THE DEAL: I do not want to make anyone have to pay to see my art.

Let's be real: there are like fifty bajillion other, more skilled, and better-known artists on Patreon putting out more detailed, more unique, more in-demand, and just more art than I am (or want to). I'm a self-taught, frequently distracted amateur who's had an iPad for a year. I'm not gonna pretend that I am going to be able to pull in more Patreon subs-- or keep them, for that matter-- on the strength of my random doodles alone. I have never really thought or even hoped that I could do that, because it would mean Doing Art As A Job, and I absolutely do not want to associate "drawing" with "work." (I also don't have the means, time, motivation or experience to self-promote and/or keep a small community of followers entertained, and even the thought of having to do all that on top of having to Draw For Work is terrifying.) There's the self esteem-destroying gutpunch that someone with BPD (me haha!) receives when they ask if something they created is "worth" a certain amount and are answered with silence. (If you have BPD, you know that 'silence' is so much worse than 'no.') I don't think that anyone is actually saying my work is worthless any more than I think stairs were invented to fuck over people with bad knees, but I want to avoid one for the same reason I avoid the other: hurts and bad for healing. And also, maybe most importantly, most of the fans of my work are my friends, and most of my friends are poor people. I do not ever want someone to have to choose between "Eggman weeping as he cradles a slain Speedy Gonzales" and "rent." Lots of people I know just don't have any money to spare even for professionally made entertainment, or, like me, sometimes they have money (yay, beginning of the month!) and sometimes they don't (booo, end of the month). I'm not gonna put a paywall between my friends and my art. So, as always, you can view all of my art on Patreon for free, without an account*. (*you will have to have an account to view NSFW stuff but this will be in the 'free' tier as well.) H O W E V E R. You guys I am so fucking poor. If you follow my blog you know the whole story already-- mental illness, chronic illness, chronic mental illness, surprise rescue puppies, surprise fines from the city, the fukken recently concussed clown show that is social services in my area-- and you've seen me having to crowdfund for everything from food to gas to dog emergencies. We budget down to the cent and have cut out so many things (like the meal replacement shakes for my eating disorder lol) and we're still not making ends meet. I've got friends who help, and they help a lot, but I hate the miserable, humiliating task of asking for help every single month. (You guys also know that I don't have family that can help me, even if shit goes critical. I was on my own while I was a homeless sex worker, on my own when we lived in a shed with no windows, on my own when we were in a house with no heat and only one source of running water, and definitely on my own now, in desperate need of mobility aids, house cleaners, and a god damn break.)

So here's where I'm at: I can't ask a few people for a lot of support, but I can ask a bunch of people for a little bit. If you like my art and want to help me keep making it, want to help me make shitpost replies to people on the internet, want to help me do free askbox art challenges: Put your doodle prompt requests in the askbox. You can even request stuff anonymously! Participate in polls about what prompts you wanna see. Reblog the art you like, show off the doodle you got, leave keysmashes in the tags. The more people see the post, the more statistically likely it is we'll find the one person on Tumblr with disposable income. Also, people should know they can get free art when the prompts are live! Sub to the Patreon if you can spare three bucks a month (you can also do Ko-fi if you don't want to make a Patreon account). Ko-fi is also a good place to just plunk something into the tip jar once in a while. There are Artcards and Monthly Sketch sub tiers on Patreon for a little bit more, but I will send an Artcard to pretty much anyone who asks as long as I have some left. The art is free, it will always be free. But if you can, spare a dollar (or three).

[icepoptroll]

hi bunny! how are you? i hope you're doing good! i have a question, how did you manage to draw Mischa's and Noel's hair? i love them both but i encounter lots of problems when i try to draw their hair. their hair is difficult...

Oh hi!! I’m hanging in, thanks c:

I’m assuming you’re referring to the new graphic novel designs? I can totally show you what I do!!

First, I use an iPad and Procreate. When it comes to most things I’m pretty simple with the brushes I use.

For lining, I use the HB pencil, with the size adjusted based on the size of the overall image. In most cases I size it all the way up or nearly there. If I need it smaller, I’ll play around with size until I’m happy with the width of the lines. I like using a pencil brush because it gives a sort of hand-drawn effect.

For coloring I use the syrup inking pen. With this brush you can vary your line width by increasing or decreasing the pen pressure as you draw/color, which for me helps me stay inside the lines a bit better.

I start with the basic shapes of the head of hair. I give Noel a straighter hair texture, so the chunks I break it into are bigger.

I give Mischa wavier hair, so his gets split into smaller masses.

Then I add lines to split up each shape into smaller locks. For Noel these lines are slightly curved, for Mischa the curves are deeper. I line with black, I just like the harshness and boldness of it, but you can go with lighter colors if you like that sort of effect.

To start coloring, I make a new layer underneath the lines and use it to lay down the base color.

After that I add a new layer on top of the base color. For Noel’s hair, I don’t use any additional colors for the shadows because the base color is so dark, instead I let the lines of his hair sorta come together at the ends to form shadows. I just use a very light grayish-brown for his highlights. For Mischa, I make the new layer a clipping mask (this prevents the shadows and highlights from getting on anything other than his hair) and I add shadows in a darker brown and highlights in a very very light brown.

It made my day that you wanna know my technique even though I’m not like, an industry professional or anything lol. I hope this helps!!! C:

[ozwuv]

If I have hand pains (as artists get) what’s should I do? Do you recommend any exercises?

hmmm so i don't get hand pains necessarily, but i did damage my ulnar nerve pretty badly end of 2019-2020 from the oz fanbook grind lol. this led to a constant, dull pain in my dominant arm and persistent numbness in my hand. for a long time, i couldn't hold a pencil at all and to this day my grip is pretty weak. i remember when acnh came out in march 2020, i cried out of frustration constantly bc my grip was so lax i couldn't play.

that said, i'm speaking from experience when i say that taking advice on stretching techniques i found online made things way, way worse for me because it exacerbated the nerve damage i didn't know i had until i saw a doctor. the wrong kind of stretches can be more damaging than helpful if you're not doing them correctly, and especially if you have some kind of underlying issue that would be counterproductive for. the same thing goes for wrist braces and such -- a lot of people recommend them, but the wrong kind of brace can damage you further, and you should not be constantly wearing a brace unless a medical professional has told you to; constant usage of braces weakens your muscles over time because the brace prevents you from actually using them. if you have the means for it, i would really recommend consulting a physical therapist for preventative care.

but i didn't have access to medical care for a long time, so i get that's not feasible for everyone. if that's you, basic harm reduction guidelines are good to keep in mind. these are going to be things you've undoubtedly heard before, but they're drilled into your head for good reason:

take breaks. set a timer for every ~30-60 min and every time it goes off, get up, walk around, flex your hands and wrists, etc. ideally at least 10 minutes.

keep plenty of water within arm's reach at all times. hydration manages/prevents pain more than you might think. as soon as my grip gets too slack, i know that i need to stop drawing and drink a ton of water, but you should be drinking fluids at a semi-constant rate so you don't get to that point.

if you're in pain, stop drawing. no "i'll just wrap up the lines and then stop" -- listen to your body. if you're hurting, you've already pushed it too far and anything more is just going to make it worse.

posture posture posture -- any kind of posture advice for office workers generally applies to drawing.

^if you use a screen tablet (like cintiq or ipad) it's going to be virtually impossible to maintain good posture without buying a tablet arm or something. in cases like that, you should place even more of an emphasis on harm reduction or maybe even consider switching to an analog tablet so your monitor is at eye level. personally i'm in it for the longhaul with my ipad though lol

unfortunately advice like this kinda sucks for ppl with ADHD (meee) because pausing in the middle of something can cause you to become distracted or lose motivation. i don't really have a solution for that, but ultimately i got to the point where the nerve damage was so bad that i solidified these habits to prevent making it worse. i do get distracted and lose motivation a lot, but i did that to myself by not treating my body with the care it deserved.

if you take one thing from this response, let it be this: if you don't already experience chronic pain and/or nerve damage while drawing constantly without taking necessary precautions, it's not a matter of "if" you develop these issues, but "when". if you don't already have chronic pain from drawing, your goal right now should not be to preemptively look into things to remedy it, it should be seeking to prevent these issues altogether. work in some good habits, even if it's just taking breaks every now and then. even just one break per drawing is better than no breaks at all. i thought i was immune to these issues for over a decade & then i developed arthritis in my upper vertebrae at 20 years old lol nobody is immune i prommy<3

[sunarintoes]

Dear Whoever: [Oikawa]

Synopsis: two broken strangers hold a mutual understanding of each other as they silently complete jigsaw puzzles together every Wednesday afternoon.

WC: 4K

TW: mental health issues, reader sucks at math, swearing, angst (but a lot of fluff) please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by these themes. Also: this fic has nothing to do with volleyball and is set in a clinic for mental health

Note: this is in no way meant to romanticise mental health issues, it is simply a story of a person (reader) who is struggling with their mental health and eventually gets better through the silent support of a friend she makes (Oikawa)

18/6/2020

Dear diary?

Is that how I'm supposed to start these entries off? I'm not sure. Well, uh...today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Her name is Mary and she gave me this book, told me to try it out and write in it as much as possible. I feel awkward though. I don't think I'll use this.

Until next time,

Yn

30/6/2020

So uh… hi?

My therapist told me to write here even if I'm not sad? So if something memorable happens. I don't know honestly. This is way too awkward. Maybe I'll get used to this. Maybe not?

Cya,

Yn

18/7/2020

I stayed true to my words, I really haven't written here that much. I'm doing good and I don't think there's anything wrong with me! I'm not sure why I'm being forced to go to therapy. I feel how I feel and it doesn't matter! I know there are people worse off than me and I don’t have the right to feel sad - I have a good family, good friends, go to a nice school and I have money (or well, my parents do). So why should I feel sad? And I just have a resting bitch face. It's not called being ‘depressed’ or whatever.

Asides from all that, the only reason I haven't kicked up a huge fuss about being forced to be interrogated is the fact that every Wednesday - the day I visit my psychologist, there's always the same cute boy sitting in the same seat opposite me, not to mention the same somber expression he wears.

I'm not sure why, but I feel oddly connected to him. As if our minds are connected and in tune. I feel like I know him and he knows me. I've been reading too many books. Lol! There's no way we have that connection. Besides, I've only seen him about 4 times. Yeah, I'm definitely making this up in my sad, lonesome head.

Farewell for now,

Yn

21/7/2020

Dear diary,

I saw him again. I still don't know his name. But today he looked up at me and smiled a bit, I tried to smile back but I probably just looked angry. Not that I have a problem smiling or that I'm angry or upset. I'm just stuck on default - stuck with a heavy frown on my face.

Sincerely

Yn

29/7/2020

It's a shame, really; I've spent so long trying so hard to get better. And I do want to get better, but it’s not easy. If I'm being honest, I thought I was getting better but when the quarantine hit I began to bottle things up again. Not seeing my feelings, having them buried deep beneath - locked away in the deepest pits of my heart… well, it was soothing in a sense. That way they did not exist, they were forgotten. I didn't have to deal with them. But I forgot the most important thing of all, ‘with good comes bad’ they say, I wish I had listened - to myself and to those around me, that bottling up feelings is really the worst thing to do. Because the longer you ignore them, the stronger they grow and the darker they get. I'm an idiot; really. I was a coward, too scared of my untamed, ugly feelings to face them head on, too scared to ask for support to help me face them. So here I am now, wallowing in the depths of my despair with an increasingly depressing inner monologue, typing this out in tune with it. I'm really bashing myself up, bottling up is the most harmful way to inflict violence upon one’s self, and I'm really feeling it. My brain hurts from narrating my problems and inner thoughts - it’s working overtime as a sort of coping mechanism. But what hurts the most - what burns the most, is my ever dry throat and teary eyes. Having to swallow the ever present lump that happens to make itself comfortable right at the back of my throat seems to really suck the moisture out of my mouth, hence my dry throat. My eyes really sting, the tears come and go, and boy, let me tell you - it takes so much strength to fight them. To stop them from rolling down as they would wish to. Feeling the tears well up and then forced to go away really burns. I'm not sure why; I do know that despite not having cried even once, my eyes burn as if I havent stopped crying since last week.

As dramatic as this is, this is how I feel. Quite underwhelming considering I've been harboring such strong, hating and dangerous feelings to myself since march. Though, this is my first time letting these frustrations out. I'm glad I've finally realised the burdens I carry. There's not much I can do.

See you next time,

Yn

2/8/2020

Hi,

Didn't expect to write that much in here but shit has been going down this week. Today my math teacher kept me in to tell me that I failed my math test, she told me that it was irresponsible of me to get as low as I got. The whole time she scolded me, I felt uncomfortable and like I could cry - I was close too, the tears were forming in my eyes. She asked me if I was planning on dropping maths, she basically suggested for me to drop maths. Oh! She also told me that I had to stop drawing in my book and that it was preventing me from learning because apparently ‘if you draw that just proves to me that you have no idea what's going on and you don't want to ask questions.’ and I'll give her that, I don’t - to both things.

The seats are so close it makes me anxious, I don't want everyone around me to know that I don't understand math! And besides, I seriously do not understand it so she'd have to sit with me the entire lesson to explain everything… I think there's something wrong with me.

Until next time,

Yn

3/8/2020

Hey, me again.

It’s still slightly weird to vent into a little diary but I'm getting there I guess. I'm so frustrated! Today has been the worst fucking day that I've ever experienced. For starters, I did double math for periods one and two, and then we got our tests back and I failed :) yep 23%!

I'm just soooo happy. If I'm being honest I don't care anymore. Maths is hard and no matter how much I study I fail at it. There's no point in me even trying now. I give up. What's worse is we had a substitute teacher and when she handed out the papers she gave my paper to some other girl in the class - who then of course, proceeded to have a fit about how bad the test is and that the tests were definitely mixed up. Well, they were but did she really have to explain to the whole class about how bad the score is? It was embarrassing to have to put my hand up and get the paper - my test, handed to me. It felt like everyone’s eyes were burning holes into my body. Right then and there I had a panic attack - I had already felt on edge since yesterday but the test conforming results plus the fact that everyone knew how badly I scored tipped me over the edge. I felt the tears well up but I pushed them back - refusing to show everyone how weak and pathetic I am.

I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little before texting my friends and telling them that I was about to have a meltdown. Unfortunately they weren't online and didn't respond, I had to go back to class anyway.

When the break came, I left to go back to the bathroom - my tears were still clouding my vision and I couldn't get rid of them. I think I may be superstitious but while I was walking I was stuck behind the girls who saw my test - they were talking about their tests. I didn't really care but then one of them said ‘how much do you need to pass?’ and the others just laughed, so she continued and said ‘seriously! Is 24 percent a pass?’ this made the other girls laugh even harder, it felt like a slap to the face. Like they were indirectly mocking me. The same girl then said ‘surely 25 percent’ which again, was met with laughter.

It really hurt. Even if I was just overreacting. Surely not. They had to be talking about me. Why else would they talk about low test grades when they are literally on to top of the class.

I just want to disappear.

Sincerely,

Yn

8/8/2020

I dropped my Ipad today - twice if I may add. I cried when it hit the floor, the protective screen shattering into small, sharp pieces. The ‘up’ volume button is stuck and can no longer be used, neither can the ‘on/off’ button. Guess I can only use the home button to turn it on and wait for it to go to sleep if I don't want to use it. I'm kinda fed up with life. I want to be taken away. I don't care how far I go. I just want to leave.

Not soKindly,

Yn

14/8/2020

Dear Diary,

Today has been alright, I made mini cookies which helped put a smile on my face. Ever since the first time I exploded in this diary, I've felt a humongous weight lift off of my shoulders. Picture this, a single person holding up 50 tonnes of bricks and then telling themself and everyone around them ‘I’m fine! I can do this! I don't need help!’ but then one day, the person feels even more bricks pile up which becomes overloaded and they can't keep it up anymore. So they begin to crumble under all the pressure and the weight until they just explode! After their explosion a new person appears out of nowhere and helps them hold the stack of bricks. It is not that lighter, but it's the extra support - the extra pair of hands helping keep the first person stand straight, that really means something. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I can describe how I feel. Still feels heavy in my chest, but this time it just feels a bit lighter - like the world isn't entirely against me.

From,

Yn

30/8/2020

Dear Diary

When I went to the clinic earlier this week, something unexpected happened. The cute boy - who i like to call my ‘Therapy Buddy’ pointed over to the small table where a bunch of unfinished puzzles lay. I was confused at first but still walked over there. We sat down opposite each other and offered small smiles to one another. And without saying anything we finished off the jigsaw puzzles until we had to part ways.

For the first time in a while, I felt calm - as if my nerves were soothed. Maybe I should upgrade his name to ‘Miracle Buddy’ because I am 100% sure the reason I felt at peace was his doing - his presence.

Until next time,

Yn

7/9/2020

Dear Diary,

Therapy Buddy and I completed the jigsaw puzzles again today; no words were exchanged. I think he’s cute. I don't have a crush on him. I literally don't know him. I just like being in his presence. And besides, we've only done this twice. Who's to say we'll do it next week?

Cya,

Yn

15/9/2020

Whats up bitch Diary

Haha. Therapy Buddy is definitely smart. He was so quick to complete a 200 piece puzzle! I barely helped… he's cute when he concentrates as well. Oh yeah, we did end up doing them today. I noticed he also carries a diary with him. Maybe he writes in it like I do? Who knows. I hope he's written about me… I mean he probably hasn't but who knows, am I right?

Sincerely

Yn

21/9/2020

Hey Diary,

I'm really struggling going to school, I find it hard to concentrate in math class. Actually yeah, I like going to school but it's when I step into the math class, when I go in I feel my chest tighten and my throat dry. I have spoken with my parents a lot. They said I can drop maths if I want to. I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future but I have a faint idea: a psychologist or an artist. I need maths for psychology I think. I'm not sure. I think I'll just stick with it and hope next year goes better.

From,

Yn

29/9/2020

I look forward to going to the clinic. It no longer feels like an interrogation now that I walk in with an open mind. I'm still not getting much better with maths so I asked to be dropped down a level and now that i'm in a new classroom, a new environment, i feel less nervous. Maybe i’ll be able to get at least something done.

Kindly,

Yn

12/10/2020

This is a disaster, the other week when Therapy Buddy and I were sitting together - in comfortable silence might I add, we mixed our diaries! I can't believe this. I didn't realise until I got home! I had no ways of contacting him either. I hope he didn't read through it. If he did, I'm in trouble, I'm not doing good. I feel sick in my stomach and my throat is constricting. Ok I'm going to go, I'm having a panic attack just remembering.

Until next time

Yn

13/10/2020

Hey Diary!

In the midst of panic yesterday, I missed an important detail. Therapy Buddy left his name and phone number in my book. He must have opened up to write in it only to realise it wasn't his book. I hope. I'm a bit scared to text him. He has a pretty name - Oikawa Toru.

If I'm going to be honest, I read a little of his diary! I couldn't help it, I just wanted to write my feelings but I opened up on his latest entry, I read it and I shouldn't have. I feel a bit guilty but now, more than ever, I feel closer to him. He's feeling a similar way to me.

Yeah, I think I'll go for it. I think I'll text him.

Sincerely,

Yn

20/10/2020

What's up Diary!?

I'm glad I texted Toru! Since then we've been texting non stop but we've made a promise - to not speak to each other in person until we’re both doing better. That's fine with me. I just know my voice would betray me if I decided to chat him up in person. I've found a sense of comfort with Toru, he's no longer just my Therapy Buddy (although that's his contact name), he's now my friend who I can seek comfort in, and he seeks comfort in me too. I hate to say it, but I think I may have a small crush on him. This is a pain in the ass, I really hope I don't. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. But he’s really cute

Kind regards,

Yn

25/10/2020

Hey diary,

I'm feeling a lot mentally better, I wish I had realised sooner that going to therapy was helpful. Having someone who just listens to you and doesn't give their input unless you want it is soothing. I'm not as anxious to go to math class, of course I'm still trying but I've adopted the mindset: what's done is done, all I can do is look forward.

I have good news about Toru. Today he said to me ‘when I’m ready I want to love you and for you to love me.’ I know I don’t love him but I’m not an idiot, I know I have some more-than-friends feelings towards him.

From,

Yn

27/11/2020

Dear Diary,

Things have been really looking up for me. Im feeling a lot happier and the weight in my chest is a lot lighter. I almost feel free. I've been thinking of career paths a lot lately. I think I want to be a psychologist. If it weren't for Mary, who knows where I would be now. Thanks to her I've been able to feel better and do better. I want to be like her. I want to be able to help people through their problems - whether it be a minor inconvenience or a major one, because I know how it feels. I understand what it feels like to have the whole world against you - as if every force and person in the universe were working unanimously together to bring me down, ‘but I survived and so can you.’ That's what I will tell them. And also ‘We can get through this together,’ and let's not forget ‘this will be challenging so we both have to put in 100 percent to getting better!’

Sincerely

Yn

12/12/2020

Hey diary,

I am full of joy.

Today Toru texted me and asked me if i wanted to spend New Years Eve with him! I said yes and were going to go to the park to have a picnic and watch the fireworks! I'm so excited. I hope he is too! I just cannot wait.

Oh yeah! I can't believe i haven't written it in until now! I've just been so happy and excited and wow but the two of us went out to a cafe and he bought me a drink - we still haven't exchanged words and spent the whole time sitting next together while texting.

In that moment I felt so happy, I knew that this is the guy I want to be with. I have a crush on him and wow... I it feels good to get that off my chest and out into the open,,, I wonder if he’s ready? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait as long as I have to because Toru is special and I don’t want to lose him.

It is New Years Eve and I have made plans to catch up with Toru, he's going to pick me up at my house and together we’ll walk to the nature park where we’ll spend the night having a picnic and being in each other’s presence. In my small bag I have snacks and drinks packed, along with some board games - why not? After all, I'm planning on confessing to him tonight and I thought doing it while engaging in one of the things that brought us together was the way to go.

There is a timid knock on the door and I quickly run to answer it.

As soon as I open the door I’m met with a cardboard poster with the words ‘Happy New Years Eve, Yn!!’ written in big, large letters. I smile as I look at it, Toru definitely was not an artistic person but the thought was sweet and made my heart swell. I pull out my phone and text him a thank you before receiving one back from him; ‘you look extra beautiful… Yn.’

I read the text a few times before my brain finally gets the message, a large smile creeps up onto my face and I hear him try to stifle a laugh.

I turn away from Toru and yell out ‘bye bye! I'll see you tonight!!’

When I turn back I see Toru reaching out his hand; as if he were asking me to hold it.

Toru’s hand is pretty, our fingers are linked together and they rest comfortably. Nothing feels forced, it all feels natural. I look up at him and wonder if he feels the same, as if he knew what I was thinking when he squeezes my hand. Yeah, we definitely have some strange connection.

We spend the whole journey to the park texting, and as much as I love texting him and hearing him quietly chuckle during conversations it no longer feels like enough. I want more. As greedy and selfish as that sounds. I know I said I would wait for him - as long as it would take, but I'm getting impatient. Tonight i'm going to speak to him… I hope he does as well.

The park is beautiful, the flowers are trees surrounding the border and trap out the outside world. It almost feels like I'm in a magical fairy realm - or something like that.

We found a spot near a garden bed and I noticed the arrangement of flowers fairly quickly. I find it funny, the flowers almost represent everything i feel for Toru - maybe our meeting was indeed, fate and maybe this was fate telling me to confess.

I pull out a 5000 piece jigsaw and text ‘wanna play?’ which Toru of course agrees.

I have had fun, all night we’ve spent playing various games and eating snacks. We still haven't spoken and that's getting me down. I can't help the intrusive thoughts - ‘does he not like me?’ ‘he's not ready’ ‘you're just a friend.’ I try to push them out of my head but before I crumble I find a new thought: ‘maybe he's just too shy to make the first move.’

That is, it was up to me and it was the perfect time to confess - ten minutes until the new year. I quickly got up and made an impromptu bouquet of the flowers that resided next to us.

Shaking, I turned towards him. “Hey… i’m Ln Yn and this is for you…” I handed him the bouquet and tried my best to ignore the look on his face - I couldn't tell if it was shock out of happiness or anger, “you asked to know the meanings right?” I move closer to him and point out a flower, “well, see that flower? It's a light purple lilac that resembles young love… and this one here, it's called a belledonne which means silence, this one’s a begonia - representing dark thoughts, oh and this one! It's a pink camellia which symbolises longing - particularly longing for a romantic relationship with the receiver, and this daisy right here means innocence and hope. And lastly, the hibiscus represents delicate beauty.’ I swallowed a lump in my throat as I looked up at him, I didn't realise how close I got to him - our lips were mere centimeters away.

‘Hey… I'm Oikawa Toru and I like you too. Why don't we give a relationship a try?’

I smile. I smile so large I feel my cheeks hurt. This, this is the happiest i've ever been. ‘I’d like that.’ Toru smiles with me, he’s beautiful, even with the dak thoughts plaguing his mind.

‘I like your voice’ we say to each other before laughing.

‘Wow.. we really said that at the same time huh?’ he laughs. Instead of responding I grab a hold of his hand once more and squeeze it. ‘It’s kinda annoying, I wanted to confess first…’

‘Not my fault. Bet it wouldn't have been as romantic as what I did.’

‘So telling me the meanings of flowers is romantic?’

I gasp as he doubles over in laughter and without realising we fell into an easy conversation - much like one we would have over text. Everything with Toru felt natural.

The fireworks go off signalling the beginning of the new year, Toru leans in closer and his eyes don't leave mine.

‘Hey,’ he says softly, ‘can I kiss you?’ I gulp and nod, within seconds his lips were delicately pressed against mine, they were soft and smooth - even if they were slightly chapped. They felt natural against my lips. The kiss was short and sweet. Deciding that it wasn't enough to satisfy me, I went back in after we pulled apart and we both smiled into the kiss - our lips passionately moving together, like two jigsaw pieces that were made for each other.

When we pull back, Toru drags me into his chest and says, ‘I'm ready to love you.’

Taglist: @ladyrenart

Hushudhidwhuwihahuaf ïm im sorry this is horrible and I definitely don’t plan on using this style of writing anytime soon! I promise the rest of the series will be written nicely !

[aceveria-art]

llap115-reblogs replied to your post  “pining draco fic recs anyone? i’m sad and i need a good dose of pining...”

have you read "All Life Is Yours To Miss" by saras_girl? there's also a podfic, so you could art while listening 💚 it's all from Draco's POV, hogwarts!profs both of them. there are quite a few additional stories set in this universe.

@llap115-reblogs yes i have! man i used to read a lot of saras_girl back in the day! and by back in the day i mean 2015 (i showed up fairly late to drarry lmao.) i actually drew something inspired by their fic “chase the wind” that year. i drew it with my finger on my ipad on a cursed drawing app that shall not be named and it was..something LOL. maybe i’ll redraw it someday~

!!!!! i’ll have to listen to the podfic sometime! i usually don’t listen to audio i’m not familiar with because i have a bit of trouble absorbing auditory information, but it might be okay since i’ve read the fic before c: thank you for the rec!

malfoygurl replied to your post “pining draco fic recs anyone? i’m sad and i need a good dose of pining...”

[insert 6 separate replies with a shit ton (metric) of pining draco fic recs here and will be listed under the read more. this is my text btw not malfoygurl’s]

@malfoygurl​ you are a hero and a scholar thank you for all the pining draco fic recs! i don’t think i’ve read any of these but now i have a whole library~ 

oh, and to anyone else who might want to read these, i don’t know what the ratings/warnings/tags are so if you have any squicks/triggers, remember to check for those!

malfoygurl’s pining draco fic recs:

From the Frying-pan, into the Fiendfyre by Lori FanFic Protecting Your Own by drarryisgreen The Thread Through the Labyrinth by mindabbles Love is a Many-Tentacled Beast by kalime80 Breaking Curse The Old Fashioned Way by hanyou_sensei What Malfoys Don't Do by Lady_Slytherin Only A Week by okydoky The Wrong Sort of Christmas by aj_socks Inhibitions by Athy Learning to Breathe by okydoky A World Without You by bikini-monster One April Night by venis_envy Dear Harry by hollow nightmare Under His Hands by skinnyrita Rediscovering Joy by sassy_cissa One Week by sly severus Keep It Simple, Stupid by lomonaaeren The Shoemaker and the Elves by icmezzo Your Hand Upon My Chest by kayladie Collect Your Courage by mervab Dear Father Christmas (The Boy Done Wrong Again) by thusspakekate Everything But The Kitchen Sink by frayach The Pocketwatch Chronicles by themostepotente The Ties That Bind by phoenix_writing Faerie Lights and Brandy by bsmog Something More by thusspakekate Erised Stra Eh by whitlock-masen A Song, Incomplete by rurounihime University by mariel nightstalker It's a Love Story by quirkquirk Frost on a Park Bench by saras_girl Dragonchik FireWorks by sara holmes How to Handle an Enemy series by who_la_hoop Draco Malfoy, Animal Whisperer by icicle33 Ruck Me, Maul Me, Make Me Scrum by vix_spes A Pocket Full of Posies by gryffindorj Malfoys Don't Get Jealous by icicle33 We'd Never Have to Wonder by fantasyfiend09 No Regrets by torino10154 Long Time Coming by charlotte sometimes (charlottechaos) Seeing the Stars by nessbess If at First You Don't Succeed by HarleyD Storm in a Teacup by faithwood The Consequences of Contradiction by boxxx Things We Lost in the Storm by b00kaddict Canned Heat by akahannah Lotus-Eyed One by jakuako Surreptitious by stillaseeker Pocket Full Of Starlight (Never Let It Fade Away) by femmequixotic & noeon Stalking Harry by thusspakekate For What Ails You by cassie_black12 My Own Worst Enemy by dysonrules Back in the Cupboard by oldenuf2nb Project (or Curse?) by envy_venis Peeking Behind the Curtain by calrissian18 The Way Down by lettered Elemental by sesheta_66 In/Sight by celandineb Out From Under by _pinkchocolate Draco's Kidnappers by plotting_pen The Weight of Eternity by venis-envy The Deal by secret koko 'Twixt the Sun and Sward by novembersnow The Living Half by maab_connor

[firewolf826]

Check In

So... I got my new iPad less than I month ago, but it feels like ages. It has kind of been an emotional rollercoaster. I was so excited to have it for drawing, and well, after four days of using it, my drawing hand became very painful.

I’m no stranger to hand pain. I’m left-handed, but my right hand has been destroyed for years. It started in senior year of college when I went hard on school projects, vectoring with the (right-handed) mouse nonstop. Pain and clicking in thumb joint and wrist. I went years with that pain, and all my hobbies (sewing, knitting, gardening) and basic chores (typing, chopping food, cleaning, etc) hurt my hand. I wear braces, etc. I even eventually finally went to a hand doc and he told me I “had a loose joint” and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to punch him. Instead I went home crying.

I felt I could put up with the hand pain as long as it didn’t affect my art. I’ve never had a problem with intense pain from drawing ever in my life. I could draw for hours. Then, 4 days of using the iPad and I felt destroyed. This physical and mental road block sent me to buy literally anything I could on Amazon to help my hand. Now I’m tending to BOTH hands, and well, it’s kind of pathetic. This pain in my left hand demoralized me a bit. I want to work so hard on my comic and I feel like I fell flat on my face before really getting started.

Anyway, I’ve adjusted my workflow to improve the ergonomics (still need a standing desk situation, b/c drawing in my bed is... killing my back), been trying to be good about doing hand stretches, and am seeing a different (sister-approved) hand doc later this month. I’m trying to be proactive because I feel my right hand is a lost cause but I can recover my dominant hand and keep it from being completely destroyed. It’s just sad when something like this keeps you from something you love. I can’t even stop myself from drawing, though. For better or worse.

I have about 4 comic pages done and others in the works, a third or more of the first chapter thumbnailed. (And well, I have about 40% of the story full scripted and the entire thing planned out). I have to say, the pages are taking me way longer than anticipated. Some have taken 8 hours. Simpler ones are 6. That doesn’t include the thumbnailing stage which are fairly concrete sketches I’m bringing in, (I find I draw better on paper, plus I want to minimize my time on the iPad) which probably take an hour+ each on their own. AKA pages are taking a very long time. Whether or not they live up to my expectations or not is a different story, but. 

The other night I went into a panic attack in the middle of the night. Hello, insomnia. I was already well aware that on even a fast pace, this comic will take 10 years to draw. Realizing that with a full-time job, I can’t reasonably commit to 3 pages/week...my brain always needs to figure out logistics. I’m very cart-before-the-horse, and well, it’s tiresome. 44 chapters total, let’s say average 35 pages each.That’s over 1500 pages. Yes, I’m insane, but that’s the plan. Right now, I think I can push myself to 10 pages/month. That will be 3 chapters (with breaks between for thumbnailing) a year, puts me in a good position for how I structured the story (every 3 chapters is an arc/mini-arc.) BUT. That’s legit 14 years of constantly nonstop work. FUck me. I want to go faster. There’s so much story to tell, I want to go faster.

Eventually, if things take off even remotely at all (aka with fan funding), I’d like to hire a color flatter (know one?) That way I could produce pages faster without completely destroying my health and sanity. Am I insane? I think I probably am. 

Overall I feel very anxious. I don’t know if what I’m producing even lives up to my standard but I don’t want to be caught up in perfection (I’m a perfectionist but I very quickly learn to give things up when you need a finished product sooner than later. I can live with “good enough”). I’m hoping art-wise I will improve. That’s how it works, right? I don’t know what I’m doing with backgrounds and colors LOL.

I’m very anxious. I don’t know if anyone will care. What if they don’t? That will probably kill me. What if they do? I’m afraid. I’m afraid of someone trying to call me problematic for my storytelling. IDK why, but that’s a big fear of mine. Some of the topics and themes of the story aren’t very pretty, so. I’m very anxious.

Also, hahah, despite feeling like I have a pathway in life now, I’m still depressed. Imagine that. Still very empty inside. But my characters make me feel a little less lonely. Honestly, this story was built out of depression, so I guess we’ve come full circle. My deepest hope is that someone will grow attached to the characters that way I have. In retrospect, the MC shares a lot of my own experiences, hahah. He’s way more impulsive than me though. I hope people can relate to him, and the other characters, because it’s literally an extension of me, hahah. 

I feel alone in this, but I’m working hard. I’m a Capricorn. We live for goals. I have a goal now. Something that makes my life feel meaningful. I hope along the line, someone will care, but all and all, I’m doing this for myself. It’s something I wanted to do since I was 10 years old. I’ve always been fruitlessly making failed comics in the background. This time is for real. Somehow this was the timeline I was supposed to be on to write this story. That’s as positive as I can be about my shitty life experiences, lol. Finally, now that I’m 30, I know the story I want to tell.

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get)   - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge   - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!

[flamboyant-king]

I got tagged by @sleepinglionhearts Oh boi senpoi!

Write 5 things you:

Carry in your bag

(if backpack...like for school or traveling)

1.) My clipboard for drawings (filled with recent drawings and extra paper)

2.) Pencil cases. (My main case with inking pens and the works+my colored pencils case)

3.) My ipad for connecting with the world

4.) A plushie of any kind for moral support

5.) Snacks! 

(If messenger bag)

1.) My 2ds with an Altoids can of games.

2.) My trusty kazoo just in case

3.) Spare pens and pencils in case i find something to draw on

4.) My container of Elis so i can vandalize

5.) My phone and wallet

Will find in your bedroom

1.) Clothes all over. I have no more room in my room for more clothes so i had to migrate some clothes

2.) All the stuffed animals lining the cabinets, the floors, my bed.

3.) Posters all over the walls. My art from elementary up to now and prints i bought from Youmacon

4.) Figurines lining my dresser. Amiibos and Nendos

5.) Not me. (im sleeping in the guest room because i have not put my bedsheets on yet but also there is laundry all over my bed...)

Have always wanted to do

1.) Sell my art! Been by dream since i was 12, but you know...self esteem and my parents’ paranoia.

2.) Finish an animation. (so much unfinished stuff...not limited to animation)

3.) Be a lets player. Pfff I think my yelling would be entertaining

4.) Break something with no consequence. Throw a rock through a window, set a car on fire, punch a hole through a wall. (no consequences includes the injuring of my hand trying to punch the wall)

5.) Eat raw cookie dough. PFFFF I WANT TO EAT A WHOLE TRAY OF RAW COOKIE DOUGH

That makes you happy

1.) ELI ELI ELI

2.) Having someone talk to me. Either on here or my friends irl

3.) watermelon mmmmm

4.) those cute animal video heehee

5.) alone time. i really enjoy having time to myself. no parents. just me in my house being an idiot. that makes me really happy

Currently into

(this ones hard because gosh dang whats up brain. like something)

1.) Kitchen Nightmares and Hotel Hell. I like Gordon Ramsay. Although I’m not really paying attention but its nice to have in the background pfff

2.) Cartoon reviews and movie reviews. I love having these play in the background, i always go back to ihateeverything, raplhthemoviemaker, and mysteriousmrenter.

3.) I’m TRYING to get into Fire Emblem, hence why I’m TRYING to play Awakening, BUT I HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A FISH

4.) as you can tell i’m really into FE Heroes right now, so there’s that

5.) I’m really into making stickers. For my friends and just for me also i printed out more Elis! its very therapeutic so i cant stop

Things on your to-do list

1.) I HAVE BASKETS OF LAUNDRY IN THE BASEMENT IN THE LIVING ROOM SO I HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THAT

2.) BUT I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY CLOSETS AND CABINETS BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH CLOTHES SO I NEED TO TRY ON AND GET RID OF A LOT OF THOSE

3.) I still have to finish that story book. I have 10 out of 16 more pages to go

4.) My list of FEh comics grows more because my brain wont stop so there’s that

5.) I need to pack my stuff because I’m going to DIDNEY WORLD

Things people may not know about you

1.) I have been sheltered all my childhood. I wasn’t allowed outside by myself, so i was barely allowed outside. My parents’ schedules messed things up. I had a swingset in the backyard, a large driveway and basketball hoop on the driveway, but i barely got to play with them. Now it’s uncomfortable to leave the house despite being and adult and wanting to travel.

2.) I cannot swim. I can stay afloat and doggie paddle but I’m too afraid to put my head underwater. I’ve almost drowned like 3 times and they were all in Florida. So I’m afraid of putting my head underwater.

3.) I'm scared of wrists. In 6th grade, people labelled me as emo because i liked to wear black back then? I looked up what emo really meant and it terrified me the pictures i found...not to mention a few of my friends did c u t and they would show me. Why did they show? WHY DID THEY SHOW ME?

4.) Toddlers like me for some reason. Like can’t they tell I’m uncomfortable around them? I just make funny faces and noises a lot so maybe there’s that...they think I’m a cartoon pfff

5.) I have a fucking terrible self esteem. It may not be obvious because I pretend to be a cocky, flamboyant douche whenever I get compliments, but behind the computer I’m freaking sweating and crying. Like, wow you guys actually like my art.

I tag whoever thinks this seems like fun lol

[loseitall-ff]

16.

“Is there anything else?” Leandra gawked at my suitcases “do you want to pack the whole house while you’re at it? I remember when you used to leave with just a handbag” walking back off into my bedroom “that was before I had Liana, I need to make sure I have everything with me. I just feel like this album is going to be a long process. I am going to be eating, sleeping and living in that place they found me” playing with the ring on my right hand “I can’t wait to see that place they rented, I guess I will take these down for you” looking down at the ring, this is the ring Chris bought me for my birthday and it was like an engagement ring in which I thought that my damn self, but it wasn’t. He spent so much money on me and he was so young, I felt bad but Chris was so smitten with me back then, he is now but then he was so head over heels, I kept this ring, I love it.

Sat in the dining room with Leandra, Mel and Jen “it’s so nice to have the whole crew back together, y’all do know you are all on babysitting duties” Leandra looked over at Liana, Liana looked up from the paper she was drawing on “she is the devil, she never listens to me” looking at my daughter’ face, she knows we are talking about her “I mean, why can’t Chris have her? We can go out, have fun. Find a man, turn up” Liana slipped off the dining room chair, watching her run around the table “I wouldn’t let Chris have her for that long, he struggles for the most part but he tries” Liana tapped Leandra’ leg “ugly!” Liana spat and ran off towards me, Leandra gasped “the devil, see what I mean. Who teaches her this” Liana climbed onto my lap “who do you think?” wrapping my arms around Liana, she wrapped her arms around my neck “the devil himself, that is mean Liana Fenty” Liana pressed her cheek against mine “say sorry now, don’t call Auntie Lee ugly. She is pretty. In her own way” Mel chuckled “I don’t know why I agree to coming with you bitches anywhere” pressing a kiss to Liana’ face.

Watching Liana on my phone, she cried for my phone so I gave it her, I am not in the mood to hear the crying right now “so where is your mind set at right now? Album wise” Jen asked, I shrugged “I am just going to let it flow, I do what is right when I am in my own zone so that is why I don’t want to have Liana running into the room, she will throw me off” looking up at Jen “I choose morning” Mel put her hand up “afternoon” Jen spat “oh nah, I heard what she is like at night” I chuckled “y’all mad rude, I will be around still. I will more than likely work through the night and morning sometimes” Liana shifted in my lap “mommy, I see daddy” Liana held my phone up, my eyes widened seeing the filthy picture Chris sent me of himself “no!!” I spat, snatching the phone from Liana but she moved the phone so I ended up hitting the phone out of her hand, the phone fell screen first down on the ground. Placing my foot over the phone “Jesus! Liana!” my heart beating fast, looking up all wide eyed at Leandra, Mel and Jen, they are just staring at me in shock “ooohhh daddy” Liana giggled saying, I look so suspicious “wow” Mel broke the silence between the three of them “that was some move” picking Liana off my lap, placing her on the ground. Moving my foot off my phone and slowly looking under the phone, it has switched off “thank god” I breathed out.

Looking at my phone, I am so glad I didn’t break my screen “Liana, you can’t have my phone. Ever” switching my phone back on, the picture Chris sent me last night was of him trying to get me to send nudes and I said no. But he sent me a picture of himself in the mirror naked, luckily the sink just cuts off the penis area, but you can see the top of it. He wasn’t even hard “what pictures do you really have in there?” Jen questioned “just a picture of Liana and Chris, I just didn’t want her to see things” I shrugged, Leandra slapped the table “what is the truth Robz?” I jumped at her hitting the table, side eyeing her “that is the truth, I am hungry anyways” getting up from the chair, that was a close call thanks to Liana.

Closing the fridge door, jumping at Mel’ face “what is wrong with you bitches, creeping up on me” holding the eggs towards the kitchen counter “why are you smiling anyways” placing the eggs down “nothing, just you seem really jumpy. Especially with your phone” looking up at Mel “well I have private things on there” Mel snorted “this is me you’re speaking too, I know ya’ll was hugging up in your room remember. Tell me, I can see it in your eyes. You look so happy, full of life. I can see it in your face, skin and you have gained weight. Those magical gifts in your garage didn’t come out of thin air, that bear though and dog” she has got a point, sighing rolling my eyes “just Chris sent me a stupid picture of him, you know we talk. I just don’t want nobody to know” I won’t be telling Mel that we are back together, just we talk “dick pics? Chris acting like you ain’t had that thing several times” shaking my head smiling.

Blowing the smoke out from my lips watching the truck drive off with my cars, he needs to come back for the rest actually. This is just the start, I have so much shit to move. I am renting out a car garage for my cars and also storage for my clothes and paintings and other things, I need a bigger place because of my cars “the realtor is going to come next week to price the house up, we need the graffiti to be removed by then and the house done up” Ron ran over to me with the iPad in hand “get it done for me then please, I need to make sure JC gets my cars safely. I appreciate this, thank you” I kind of liked this home, it was big enough for my cars and the neighbours put up with my ways. Turning around seeing a half empty drive “Ron, you know my things in my room leave it. I will sort that out myself, nobody go in there. Just sort someone out for the graffiti for me and then call it a night” she gave me a faint smile walking back into the home.

I don’t trust anyone with my jewellery because these are so precious and expensive, also some piece of clothing I want to keep to myself. The storage is safe but still, I need these things sometimes. Tapping Robyn’ name to text her.

To: Robyn

From: Chris

Babe, can you hold some of my things for me? Just the important things, I am putting a lot of them in storage, the little place I got don’t hold much and the apartment is having nothing in that, let me know then I will get Mijo to hold it for me.

Pressing send “so you really moving out of this place?” Mijo said, looking up at him as he walked over “yeah, new start. Just a change, I am sick of people knowing where I live, the hoes just come over when they like, it’s not ideal. Robyn lets me have Liana now so that is why, I don’t need to be here anymore. I got an apartment” Mijo’ eyes widened “forreal? Happy for you, so you downgraded and now you got no space” nodding my head chuckling “I got so much shit, I think I may get my mom and auntie to do a charity event, sell some of my things or just give some away. It’s unreal how much they are charging me for holding this” looking at the living room, this whole set up is still how Robyn left it and it has so many good memories, but I fucked them up, I am so stupid “could be a good idea, are you sure an apartment is good for you? I mean you make too much noise” apartments and I don’t mix “well Mijo, I am not going to be fucking around. I want to keep the apartment good” I lied, I won’t even be living in that thing, only when the boys want to stay at mine. My phone pinged in my hand, stepping back from Mijo slightly and looking at the text.

From: Robyn

To: Chris

Like what? As long as they can be hidden in my closet then yes, this doesn’t mean you get the key to my home just yet :) and I do charge, I can take payment in different forms ……

Robyn is playing with me, she did this to me last night. She got me to send nudes and then acted like she didn’t want it, annoying ass.

To: Robyn

From: Chris

A nigga like me don’t need a key, I will climb through your window and you know I will. This can fit anywhere, even where you keep your stalker pictures of me. Will my tongue do?

Grinning from ear to ear, Robyn starts this and gets me all horny and tells me goodnight and sends me a picture of her hair in a wrap “funny text?” Mijo said, looking away from my phone “could say, can you do a favour. Can you call JC ask if my cars are good there” walking off with my phone in hand, seeing Robyn is texting me back already.

From: Robyn

To: Chris

I don’t doubt your ability to do that actually…. Don’t bother lol. What pictures? You mean down the toilet? Weeeelllllllllll………. My kitty needs cleaning

I hate Robyn so much, she knows I am dying. I cannot deal, this is not happening again.

To: Robyn

From: Chris

Don’t play me, you’re still carrying the sextape around. Let me come over tonight then? You going tomorrow right? Let me see you please!!! I will be good, I have not seen you in so long.

I do not like that Robyn is going to New York, for an album too, it will be so long for me. I do actually have a lot to do here but still, no Liana or Robyn.

From: Robyn

To: Chris

No! You’re too horny, you cannot stay the night. The girls are here so you can’t.

She will not deny me this, calling Robyn’ phone instead, I want to see her before she goes. Listening to the phone ring out, jogging up the stairs “yes” Robyn said down the phone “please, I won’t do anything stupid. I mean I can’t say anything will happen but I really want to see you. Don’t do me like this” I sound so whiney “look Robyn, I say shit but I won’t do it unless it’s right ok? Just let me see you, I was going to see Liana tomorrow anyways but I can’t be us with them around” she can’t deny me this “you sound so cute, fine. I will text you when everyone is asleep, don’t cry” walking into my bedroom “I will cry when my penis enters you” Robyn giggled “bye Chris, use your hand” she disconnected the call, how rude.

I am trying to get my manager to get me some type of work in New York, he thinks I am crazy as fuck because one minute I am refusing everything and now I am begging for work. I also have my court case coming up but Mark said I don’t need to be there for it, I may just go there just because I want to be an asshole and laugh when the restraining order is put in place. I do not want Ava near me, or for her to be in the club because it will make shit difficult for me “Sweetie why don’t you just move with me? Why have two places” blinking several times “two places? What makes you think I have two places mom?” is she stalking me “well Robyn sent me the address to your place but the apartment you showed me doesn’t match” scrunching my face up “why on earth did Robyn give you that?” she has just blown my cover “because I called her, you went missing on your birthday” I did go missing on my birthday “I rather not stay here, I feel too grown for that but thanks for asking. It’s just temporary. Anyways changing the subject, you was saying Desean needed something?” if my mom ever sees us together in that home, then this is on Robyn “oh yeah, you barely spend time with that boy but he really wants you to come to his school. You know his father is not in his life so he hasn’t asked but Tootie wants you to do it, you don’t spend time with him just please do this for me” why is my mom acting like I don’t care “ma, I care about my nephew. I will do it because I want too, I love y’all man” rubbing my face, maybe I need to be more family orientated.

You know what I hate about this, is the long walk to Robyn’ place because I can’t bring my car anywhere near there. I have to creep to her place, I always get seen around here but has never been leaked to blogs about it. I think once we go public I will just move here, the place is nice but my cars won’t fit. It’s nice to see Robyn actually leaving the gate open for me, she would be having me climb over these gates if given the choice. I have so much more to give Robyn to put in her place, but I can only carry these two bags that hold my boxes of jewellery. The light in her yard lit up and I froze, I feel like I just got caught by the police. Staring ahead not moving, the left hand side of the double doors opened. I swear to god, I am going rip that hair wrap off her head. She waved me over.

Reaching the front porch, dropping the bags on the ground “fuck, I missed you” Robyn opened the door wider, but I can’t help myself. Stepping inside, wrapping my arms around Robyn “missed me that much huh?” feeling Robyn wrap her arms around my body under my jacket “hell yeah” pressing a kiss against her neck, my hands slowly dropping to her butt “creep” Robyn giggled, placing her hands on my chest. Gripping Robyn butt grinning “I missed your face” staring down at Robyn “let’s go upstairs before someone wakes up” I am happy to keep my hands on Robyn’ butt and stay like this, reluctantly moving my hands. Turning around and picking the bags up, the gates closed “I waited for you, I saw you on the camera walking so that is why I put the light on which scared you” Robyn whispered, seeing the suitcases in the lobby which kind of upset me “what time are you leaving for New York?” watching Robyn press the security code in “flight leaves in the morning, eleven” Robyn walked ahead of me, following behind her.

I don’t think Robyn is actually wearing anything under that long tee, I am trying to make her bend over “I am actually tired but I rather spend some time with you, I also wanted to speak to you about the whole sex thing. I don’t want you to think I am denying it, I am teasing you a lot and I do find it funny. I trust you, you’re the only man I would trust but I want that moment to be not rushed, I don’t know maybe I am being stupid but, you know” getting up from the edge of the bed “I understand, I do. You don’t have to explain yourself, I know what you went through and it will happen when the time is right and I need to do that myself. I just think it sucks you’re going to be in New York for only god knows how long” chewing my bottom lip “I will do something special for you, I will make it happen in New York. I got a plan in my mind” I said, Robyn giggled “so I guess I will see you in two days” she shuffled over to me saying “two days? How about the next day, but on a real. I am going to miss you both, I will feel you both so far away. It don’t sit right with me, where you going to be at anyways?” Robyn wrapped her arms around my body “rented out a mansion there, no hotel. Just the whole place, I won’t be out barely” that sounds better, more privacy.

“So you’re going to wake up in the morning, creep outside and then ring the doorbell and act like you have just come?” Robyn questioned looking down at me as I laid down “yep, good plan right?” Robyn shrugged, lowering her head. She pressed her lips to mine and I immediately parted my lips but couldn’t help but smile “what?” Robyn said against my lips “just, I know you want me. Stop being hard headed” Robyn latched onto my bottom lip, biting down a little and pulling back until my bottom lip left the grip of her teeth “I am going to miss you so much, it will be that feeling where you won’t be there. I will feel it” Robyn finally admitted “then don’t go” Robyn side eyed me “I got no choice now” she pecked my lips “I love you and wait, I didn’t tell you. So Liana had my phone, I wasn’t paying attention but she said daddy, I looked down and I see your picture you sent me yesterday. Mind you I was with the girls, I was a mess Chris” I smiled, just watching Robyn tell this story to me. She is so happy. A small laugh left my lips “you know Liana is a snitch, you got to watch her” Robyn’ lips grazing mine ever so softly “I am just glad the girls didn’t see” Robyn’ hand met the side of my cheek “I am just glad to be seeing you before you do go, just to be us” even though my dick is suffering.

Feeling Robyn lick my earlobe, slightly nibbling on it. I was going to speak but I didn’t, let me keep my mouth closed because she will do what she deems she feels comfortable with. Closing my eyes, letting a sigh leave my lips. My eyes shot open feeling Robyn grope my manhood atop of my boxers “don’t tease me” I mumbled “who said I was, just going to help you ease that tension” I have not had this kind of action in so long, I feel like I am going to cum just thinking about it “was you getting hard on me just kissing you? Your dick is already semi-hard” Robyn pushed the bed covers back from us both “my dick gets happy thinking of you baby, what can I say” she just needs to show me some leg and I get hard, I get off on anything.

I feel so emotional “you are going to let me cum right? You not going to tease me? My heart can’t take it” Robyn giggled kneeling at the side of my hips “to see you in pain brings me joy but no, I feel bad that I will be away from you and also, show you how much you missed” this is about to be good, I can’t wait.

Placing my palm against the shaft curling my fingers around it to get a firm grip. Not too hard and not too soft. Slowly and steadily stroking my motion up and down the length, All the way up, then all the way down “shiiiiit” I honestly missed seeing his dick, continuing my strokes up and down. Switching up the speed and pressure of my fist around his shaft gradually speeding up and then slowing down. Looking up at Chris, he looks like he is in heaven, he is really getting off on this. Squeezing and stroking as I smiled at him.

Using my both hands, as one hand strokes up the other hand follows “my god, your fucking bomb with your hands, ahhh” Chris’ eyes firmly closed, leaning down and placing my lips just above the head staring at Chris as I did so, his eyes shot open. Staring into Chris’ eyes as I continued to stroke his shaft with my one hand, my tongue dragging over the tip “come for me, show me how much you missed me” I can feeling his dick pulsating under my palm, swirling my tongue around the head “oh fuck!” Chris spat, moving my head. Seeing his hips buck as he came, his toes curled as he did, cursing out.

Chris is a mess, he got his cum on my bedsheets, but luckily the bed is big so we can use the other side “you’re still the best with your hands, just wish I could’ve held on for a little longer” watching Chris walk towards the bed butt naked, dragging my eyes up from his manhood just swaying freely “I really wanted to make you suffer at that moment, you made a mess of my bedsheets on that side so  we can sleep on this side” I thought Chris would have put his boxers back on but he didn’t, he got into bed. Placing the covers over himself and wrapping his arm around me “you know if I do come, which I will come. Will you see me in New York, just low-key of course? I will come on my own” resting my head on Chris’ chest “of course, you know I will see you baby. Just do what you need to do here first. Get rid of that trash place, any trace of the past just get rid. You can put things here if you like, I will give you the passwords? I know it is costing you a lot” I trust him so I would give it “I think I will be ok, I will ask you if I need it, just please be safe out there. You both mean so much to me” he gave me a little squeeze, pressing a kiss a top of my head, that means so much to me.

[carbonargonlithium]

The short version of this is: recognizing your weaknesses, and tackling them, is arguably more important than recognizing your strengths.

As a side note: before you decide to downsize from two computers to one (from one for work/travel and one for home, down to one for work/travel that you actually mostly leave at work) be REALLY sure that you’re not gonna decide randomly at 9pm to type a blog post and realize you only have your iPad, which does not (currently) have a real keyboard. Guess I know what I want for Christmas (but mom, or grandma, or Joe (lol he never reads my blog posts), if you’re reading this, make sure it’s a nice quality one, and it compatible with the apple iPad pro 2017 model, 10.7in. I’ll try and put a few on my amazon wishlist.)

But, luckily, I don’t live alone! My love, who is currently doing an online class using his desktop, let me use his Surface, which does have a really nice keyboard. So alas, here we are, at 9pm on a Tuesday, writing a blog post.

So, really, the words I wrote (in my “journal” aka my notability document for this week) that really inspired me to write this hopefully eventually motivational post were; “You’re not actually stupid.” And just to summarize where that came from real quick: I’m a scientist, a physical chemist, who has to deal with LOTS of quantum chemistry and quantum mechanics, and I’m not…..a math person. I’m CAPABLE of it, don’t get me wrong, but it takes me a long time, and a lot of effort and working through it six ways before I understand it. English (if you believe it) and history? Had those in the bag. Chemistry? Literal blow off class in high school, loved it in college. Biology? Ehh okay that one was just….not my friend. Math? Well, lets just say that what Florida State passes off as a math minor does NOT cut it for my line of work. And that’s okay. I gotta learn it, but I also gotta go through some self doubt to get there. And that’s okay.

[if you’re like...real real sensitive to death, this paragraph may feel realllllllllly harsh and cold, but it’s just how i’ve been coping and also, how I feel like my grandpa would want me to be coping tbh, carry on] Okay now, I’m gonna blame my Grandpa Thane for like a solid half of why Quantum is probably so hard for me. And that’s okay, I can do that, he won’t mind. He’d laugh and tell me “okay yeah sure Carli”. God I miss that laugh. Anyway. He went ahead and died right in the middle of my last semester of undergrad, which also happened to be the semester I was traveling a ton and taking Quantum. So on top of being busy af, I had to deal with a very strong emotion I’d never dealt on this scale before: grief. So it’s probably safe to say that my memories of undergraduate quantum could definitely be better.

But I passed the class, okay? I got through it, and I got through Statistical Mechanics last semester which was also a very heavy maths-based physical chemistry class, and I’m going to get through this Quantum chemistry class because I know that it’s going to be hard. I know how to ask for help, how to identify what people are going to be the most helpful for me, and I know how to study my ass off. And I’ve learned all these skills through a laborious process of becoming a professional scientist despite being mentally ill, and also, because I knew I had weaknesses, acknowledged them, and got help.

I tutored first generation students while I was at FSU (I was one too, consequently) and I can say that hands down, the reason that students ended up struggling as much as they did is that they waited too long to ask for help. Now, whether that was lack of knowledge, or shame, or fear, I can’t be sure. But I can promise you, students who asked for help as soon as they realized they were struggling were the ones who were ultimately successful. Additionally, students who were even more successful were those who knew what kind of help they needed. If they knew it was math or algebra they were struggling with, they told me. If they knew it was question comprehension, we worked on looking for keywords and finding example problems they’d already done. The most effective learners are not people who just seem to magically know everything, they’re people who understand what it is going to take for the information to get effectively encoded, and go through whatever process that may take.

Now, maybe someday I’ll actually have time to read psychology literature again, and I’ll be able to give sources and all kinds of goodies to my information, but for now, take it as firsthand knowledge; asking for help is 99% proven to help you understand something better. I’m going to reserve the 1% for really awful instructors and tutors who just...cant communicate their knowledge effectively, but that’s on them, not you.

So here’s CJ’s sleepy guide to how to be a better student

TAKE NOTES. Even if you think it’s not necessary, take notes. Pay attention, write things down, because sometimes you hear things and it makes sense, and when you try to write it on paper or rephrase it you’re like….wait hold on.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Not everyone understands everything immediately. And that’s okay. Brains are incredibly complex and literally no two human brains are identical. Epigentetics, nature vs nurture, it all makes sure that your brain is unique, and will have its own unique strengths and weaknesses.

IDENTIFY WHAT KIND OF LEARNER YOU ARE. I’m an auditory learner. If someone walks me through something, step by step, talking out loud while I write, I learn it immediately. I’m not visual at all. I only got through biochem because some friends helped me make a (0,1) binary-esque verbal code for how sugars were oriented. But if you learn by working through something, or drawing a picture, great! Know that about yourself and take that with you when you ask for help.

TIME MANAGE. Keep a planner, or a journal, or a calendar, or even just use your phone calendar. Plan your time effectively, but not strictly. Use pomodoro timers if you want (25 minutes work, 5 minutes break). I also sometimes play “0’s and 5’s” with myself, wherein, if I get distracted, I can stay distracted until the clock hits a 0 or a 5, and then I have to get back to work. If you’re someone who has to cut yourself off from everything, that’s okay. Learn what is going to help you be the most effective, and don’t EVER wait til the last minute to do something unless you absolutely have to. My goal is to always be a minimum 2-days ahead on school work, but I feel much more comfortable if it’s a week.

ASK FOR HELP. Find your weaknesses. Learn the stuff you can on your own, and then figure out what has you confused. Go to a tutor, or your professor, or a TA. And if the first one you ask doesn’t seem to be able to help you, ask another one. Ask friends who understand what you don’t. Don’t be afraid. You aren’t stupid. There are things you can do that no one else can do as easily, and someone will probably need your help there at some point in time too. Just….it’s okay to feel down about having a hard time, but remember rule #2 and remind yourself you aren’t actually stupid, you just haven’t asked the right question of the right person yet.

That’s all I have for now. I have so much in my head that might eventually be useful to someone, and that’s part of why I write this. Whether it’s useful because it helps people understand themselves, or if it’s because it helps them pass a test, I don’t care. I just needed a place to put these sorts of things, so alas, here we are. Blog post 3. Maybe eventually this class will end and I can go to bed, because boy has this been a long week already. And it’s only Tuesday.

[therichlittlebunny]

Triggered

*deep, long sigh* It has been a really long, exhausting few days and I am soooooooo fucking glad it's over and done with. Nothing is worse then fighting with your man when you work @ 6am then again in the evening into the night. I just... I'm wondering how I've made it since Sunday night. Somehow managed to get to work early, deal with a non stop flow of customers for 6hrs, come home to fight with him. Get in the worst nap or none at all, barely eat and then do support work for kids with autism. Allah blessed my life though and we finally got shit resolved. OMFC That took a lot out of me. Basically Big Daddy was triggered. Not too shortly after we'd just had a disagreement so tensions had not gotten a chance to completely settle. 😤 Sunday night around 8:30, I called it a night while he was playing LoL. I was already exhausted and had to wake up at 3:30AM to get to work for 6AM. Thank God I only have to take one bus to work and it practically drops me off right in front of the building. We're also currently in the middle of a bit of a pregnancy scare because I'm craving things, hungry all the time, falling asleep on myself, having cramps, recently I've started feeling nauseous and having heartburn. And the classic need to pee. I'm peeing literally every two hours. So after coming back from the bathroom for the umpteenth time that night, just before I could drift back off to sleep... Honey Bunches hmu on FB. He's having a crisis. Now to be fair he's been describing his life as a BDF or burning dumpster fire, for like two or three weeks. I didn't force him to tell me what was going on but offered as much emotional support as possible and let him know I was here when he was ready. So that night he'd just hit his breaking point and come undone, was having a meltdown, crying in his car. Shit. He was in an old area of mine so I went out to get him because he needed the support and being from the Falls (Niagara Falls) he didn't realize he was having a moment in a super sketchy area of downtown. So as I'm heading out, I text my Big Daddy. He worries about me going for late night runs, I knew he'd worry even more about me traveling so far, so late. Unbeknownst to me, that was a big mistake. I am very forth coming and transparent. I have nothing to hide. It was also a matter of safety in case something happened, God forbid. I missed a GM text once and he spent the entire morning at work (he works the same time as me) wondering if I was okay and if I was pissed with him. I literally just slept right through his whole shift. Lol But that night, I had stroke a chord and triggered him. I never knew all the details of what his ex had put him through or the extent to which she lied but I was quickly about to find out.😩 I have never hated a person more in my life, who I had never met. I am liable to fight her upon introduction. The entire trip downtown was spent reassuring him that I was just going to help a friend in a crisis. He knows it's not unusual for me to leave at like 2AM suddenly because I had friend tweaking out on meth, or having a bad acid trip or threatening to kill them selves mid panic attack. I'm just the person that is usually called because no one else seems to be able to get through to the person in question. I'm used to it. I don't really mind either. I'd rather not wake up to the news that someone has dropped dead. At some point Big Daddy dismisses me completely after I tell him I will update him when I get home. There's nothing to worry about. That didn't mean shit in that moment. The second I get in around 3:20AM, I messaged him to let him know I'm safe, what happened and give him that GM text. A little stressed with how he had reacted, I crawl into bed and fall asleep. Only to wake up a few hours later to the most passive aggressive text ever. WTF. He has under handedly accused me of being unfaithful. W.T.F....?! I shut it down with pure facts real quick because that was bullshit. A few hours pass and he angrily responds that I had been lying, maybe even from the beginning and he wasn't having it. What...in the actual fuck?!?! At this point I'm exhausted because my sleep was shit, emotionally stressed out because where in the fuck was this coming from and starting to get really depressed because it was becoming increasingly clear that he wasn't hearing me. At all. He was just looking for things in my text, FB and whatever else to back up his anxiety fuelled rage. I tell him as much but again I was just lying. Like I had lied about my sexual history and what had happened in that 8 months we had been broken up. He accused me of the same deceitfulness as ex. I exploded. I called bullshit so loudly it was a wonder my mother didn't hear it. He had launched me into a full on anxiety attack and I was quickly spiralling out just as Honey Bunches messaged me on FB to check in. He immediately knew something was wrong because my spelling and grammar had gone to shit. Punctuation and articulation had fucked off so he called instead but that was a mess as well because I was like two seconds away from blacking out because I was barely able to breath. That man had to talk me into breathing. 😭Convince me to get out of bed because he could already tell my depression was setting in hard and fast. "Get dressed. Doesn't matter what you wear. I'm outside waiting." He had driven all the way back while on the phone with me. I don't think he had ever seen me so covered up in all black and silent. He convinced me to eat after Big Daddy got mad at me even more for, "running into the arms of another man". Honey Bunches got me stop and think rationally when Big Daddy wouldn't. "You know what is going on with him. He doesn't realize he's spiralling out. Ground him. Get him to stop and think things through with you. You can't be emotional, hit him with logic." "Be Spock?" "Perfect. Be Spock." That was great theory but didn't necessarily work that. Our fight blew up yet again. A good chunk of that night went to pure hysterics on both ends. All boiling down to me telling him that he could pretty much go fuck himself. I wasn't his ex and he was a fucking asshole for the reach he made to draw a comparison. God willing I'd drop dead. I think that's what snapped him out of it. Losing me. The idea of never seeing me alive again. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to a text begging me not to hurt myself. I said nothing, only rolled over and fell back into a fitful sleep. I woke up heartbroken and pissed off. My response reflected such. He said nothing. I told him when I got home, fell asleep waiting for a call. Sent a text full of heartache when I woke up from the most disgusting nap. Depression had set in. He said nothing. I tried calling but he didn't pick up. I curled up in bed and began binge watching the last thing we had been watching together. Tokyo Ghoul. I had given up. Deactivated my Facebook since the night before and didn't go on any social media. I was getting ready to go to bed when my iPad dinged. He responded. I instantly burst into tears at the very first words he'd said to me all day, "I love you..." He was terrified. I meant everything to him and he had been such a jerk to me. He handled the situation like an asshole. He was dead ass wrong for every thinking that I could stoop to the same level as his ex. He hadn't responded, hadn't answered any of my calls because he was ashamed of himself. Had been the moment he told me to back off the night before. We were in such a similar situation as the one he'd gone through that he couldn't help but start to panic. As unloveable as he thought he was, he couldn't bare the idea of losing me again or that he had been stupid enough to fall for the same shit twice. He couldn't go through either one again. We spent nearly the whole night texting. He was still to embarrassed to talk to me on the phone. Needless to say I was dead at work after only three hours of actual sleep since Sunday. He's still apologizing. We're finally going to talk on the phone tonight. This might be a good chance to get him to watch my favourite Bollywood movies 😋