#that it wasnt enough to just love my friends
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"love is love" but its the fact that the love i feel for my friends is not inferior to other peoples romantic love
#i love my friends so wholey and intensely and i hate that people see that as a 'lesser' kind of love#frankly it was one of the reasons it took me so long to accept i was aro. because i thought that love this strong Had to be romantic#that it wasnt enough to just love my friends#the moment i started telling my friends just how important they are to me was the moment my life changed for the better#i hope my friends know how wholey i love them. i hope that i can make them feel valued#if my friends know how important they are to me i think i have served my purpose on this planet#nyxtalks#aromantic#aspec#love is love is a good statement. its important to me. but my love is love too- dont forget that#if you saw me tag a post w this recently. yeah and? im still thinking about it
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smooth, seb 👍 ((redraw of this scene from the goblet of fire))
#i changed it from 'looking' to 'staring' tho bc 'looking' wasnt intense enough for sebs vibes LMFAO#also i originally didnt draw clora with her hairclip since this is before theyre together obviously#but then i decided this could be after he gives it to her/confesses and during the time shes nervously avoiding him LOL#i put way too much consideration into when this scene redraw could canonically fit into my own canon LMAO#need to draw more pining seb before they get together tho I LOVE ITTTTT.... seb being flustered and desperate is just 😩🤌#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#ominis gaunt#anne sallow#clora clemons#sebastian x mc#samantha dale#choccyart#clora and cho both being in ravenclaw and having alliteration names that start with C🤝🤝🤝#love the random girl on the left idk who she is or if shes even friends with clora but she just wants the tea and girl same
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Oh, I was wrong, my parents still think Crowley and Aziraphale are just buddies🙃(they've just started S2)
I'm literally dying to see them get to the last episode, I'll just be there watching their reactions like
#good omens#good omens 2#he was like 'I like that Crowley cares for his... friend; enough that he doesnt want that offer of power from hell'#i had to stare at my plate for a moment before I answered so I could control my face lmao#i mean; Crowley would do that even if he really loved him only as friend; but that's not what my dad meant; i can assure you😮💨#what did surprised me is that his fav is Aziraphale; and my mom's fav is Crowley; wasnt expecting that O.o#ineffable husbands#crowley#aziraphale#aziracrow#azicrow#go#go 2#i said I'd be watching their reactions with a smile; but now that I think about it; ill probably just be crying my heart out🥲🥲
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enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.
gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.
and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.
like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.
did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.
#thinking about it from my durge's perspective hurts kinda#because losing their memory is the only thing that freed them enough to trust the people around them#and after meeting gortash and learning their history - and how they used to be friends#they probably thought a lot about how things could have been different if there wasnt a literal elder brain under his enslavement#like man if you werent actively in the way of saving the literal world maybe we could have talked about this#if i can overcome a lifetime of senseless slaughter and learn to love i wonder if you can too#but we'll never know#bg3#baldurs gate 3#the dark urge#enver gortash#im sure someone has talked about this already but ive just been thinking about it a lot ig#the what-if-ness of it all#long post#pin talks#bg3 gortash
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anyone else here go through the "falls in love easily but realizes its bc they're arospec and couldnt comprehend it" phenomenon or is it just me
#in short its bc im somewhere along the lines of demiromantic#so often times id think id fall easily when really it was just that. i actually realized i ONLY fall for ppl i consider friends#that i couldnt bring myself to find romantic feelings towards anyone i didnt know bc my romantic attraction just doesnt work like that#so ofc surrounded by friends = feels comfortable enough to 'fall in love' = assuming i just fall easy#idk#i wish i wasnt like that sometimes though bc thats what basically led me to get manipulated in my last relationship lol#being said though it also means i lose feelings easily if i stop seeing someone as a friend. which made dating hard#bc when they stop acting like a friend its just like. oh this. doesnt feel good anymore#again idk#vinny rambles#aromantic#demiromantic
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Nooo cam u dont want to analyze the psychology behind mikes actions in the bite of 83 even though scott didnt put anywhere near your amount of thought into it noo dont do that. freak
#(guy who loves psychoanalyzing people voice) Yeah idk i just think that theres a difference in severity of mikes bullying of cc#compared to when his friends were around and considering mikes age and the impulse in teenagers to impress others you want to like you#(ie your friends) its likely he decided to do the thing he knew would upset cc the most bc he was focused on making sure his brother is the#most afraid possible so he and his friends can get a laugh and enjoy themselves and Fuck Thinking About Consequences We're Like 15 Bro#compared to when youre alone and have no one to impress / to egg you on / indulge your negative behaviors so he may not go as far as#actively putting him in a dangerous situation because without anyone around you to influence you youre more likely to think before you act#(to some extent) which is why prior to shoving his head in fbs mouth he only ever just jumpscared him and locked him in a room which wasnt#actively dangerous iirc. i dont think i have any more to say Does that make sense#if this is incoherent just know its getting late dont question me i may or may not be eepy depending on if this makes sense or not#anyway !! this is also NOT to say that michael wasnt to blame OR that he was peer pressured into doing it#im just saying that i dont think it would have happened if he was alone. for these reasons. thank you gn this has been my tedtalk.#and if you read all the way to the end then id like to say: what are you doing with your life /lh#am i putting too much thought into it? Yeah this is fnaf. of course. i doubt it was thought out much. but thats what i doooooo#they call me the thinker guy the way i. think. ok thats enough talking for today cameron#cam.txt#oh and if this is like. obvious. i guess. then shhhh i said nothinggg. perdóname. no oísteis nada
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Reminder that hating humans is not an alternative to loving nature. You add nothing by saying you wish human kind went extinct. You add nothing by saying humans are irredimable monsters. You are helping no harmed animal nor plant nor fungi nor microorganism by shitting on humans and, as a nature lover, you are my least favorite kind of "nature lover" because you don't like nature, you hate humans
#Got reminded out of nowhere of a “friend” who called herself animal right activist#She wasnt an animal right activist. She was a PETA cocksucker#Once asked her which animal would her be if she could be any and she said “none because humans possibly already enslaved them” like??????#Girl we are having FUN we are being SILLY We're just enjoying WHIMSY get your nihilism OUT of my animal nerding hours#She was also a terf. pro abortion. The stereotype of annoying vegan and broke with a guy because “he wasn't serious enough” (he was-#Literally just a guy with a sence of humor. She wanted to date fucking batman on levels of “seriousness”)#So yeah I hate people who think hating humans is a replacement of loving animals#Because she never loved animals she just used them as a way to say she wished all humans died#She wasnt even into the dark hashtag depression wave she just wanted a global genocide out of “tee hee hee” I fucking guess#and used animals as her excuse#stupid rant but this is my fucking house and i post what i want#saf orate hour#personel kid#<-egh the oversharing in the tags compensate it
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i kinda wished gray was angry at carmen instead of relieved just for yknow angst and stuff like at the jail when he was like "how did u know i was here" and shes like "all in good time gray" i wish he was like "its graham. whos gray?" cuz lol yea idk if this makes sense i suck at typing
Alright i might go off on a tangent so like feel free to clarify if its too far off base from intent
But i am personally actually ok with the angst on Gray’s side being saved for later, there are so many angsty moments already stuffed in there
->the fight being draining and difficult and ultimately a failure to keep them off him
->the parallel to gray disappearing from sight because of the cleaners
-> gray still getting pain pang and helping carmen where he can
->carmen desperately trying as many keys as she can when the robot finally comes
->carmen screaming for gray after he screamed for her
Like…phew thats alot happening and i think that it would get lost in the fray
Side note:
-> him taking the info that ACME finds carmen shady and she decided to work with him and actually wondering who gray is especially because she came to find him…hmm fun
-> gray watching all those civilian gets mistaken as spy movies and going ahhhh.ha.
BUT on the sentiment of gray being angry and not just relieved.
He does start to say it’s graham before he’s interrupted. And he has always been exasperatedly trying to put it aside to try and just be with her in the moment
Like…askjdnfdaksjf look at this face
Relief is not the only emotion here
And it does come to its breakpoint
because well [the point is she’s lying to him.- bugs life voice]
And what a breakpoint it is because Carmen is not allowed to pretend that the person in front of her doesn’t have a thing to say about who she was protecting*
So its not angst denied but angst delayed if that makes sense and the himalaya caper puts it into more focus than the jail could
Like “alas why did he not simply look into her yearny eyes and make a decent life choice for once” aside [which is so fun to say]...
but the thing is …it's something that i do think gray gets to be mad about at that moment [not that he isn’t making a terrible life choice on the side but-]
…she lied to him by omission and flat out. And only came to rescue a fake version of him as far as he’s concerned. A fake version it seems she was pretending even further with by calling him gray and not graham.
….
GAH THIS IS WHY I DON’T GET WHY YOU GUYS THINK BLANKET LETTING CARMEN HAVE ZERO REVISIONS ON HOW SHE SEES HIM IS OK
And no just enemy who !had his chance at the cotillion you! doesn’t work as the final verdict either >:0
[you're making the carmen sad and that has literally never worked plus carmen is just wrong for this on some level]
They’re so messy dude…like there’s so much to unravel and him being firm but straightforward about it is at least picks at this issue good enough for the moment…oof…was a lot like …oogh
But necessary. Gray is a person who actually has a reaction to this ya know [or character i mean- same thing].
His anger tends to be overshadowed by a lot else is all…[T.T multiple mistakes in a row babeyyyyyyyyyy] + his own prioritizing when it comes to his own emotions
And to make matters worse….OMFG THEY STILL LIKE EACH OTHER THEY’RE STILL SO MUCH MORE SAD INSTEAD OF MAD ABOUT IT ALL AND WANT TO BE TOGETHER AND ALL THE LIES BEING UNVEILED JUST MAKES THE TRUTH MUCH MORE NECESSARY AND IMPORTANT OMGGGGGGG GRRAH WHY ARE YOU 2 BEING SQUISHY CRIMES HAVE BEEN COMMITED!
They just need to tone down the nonsense…be even more honest with each other …they be wild out here…ya’ll can do it with time i believe in ye, even if that will mean more tough conversations with each other, i think they like each other enough
But yes. Him mad at it DOES make good angst. ..and tbh not even for just that moment…because …
#asks#trails off like an anime character because idk how to word it#um it feels like its an issue that could lead them to that deeper understanding of what they want each other to be in each others lives#and not just a carmen wants situation#him having all these feelings on their relationship shouldn't have no impact#he's at least her friend...right?#anyway the hornets nest i am willing to touch today is i do think its ok that gray wasnt over the moon about all this#wasn't like 100 % percent happy that carmen was saving a brainwashed version of him#and i hope that doesn't come off too mean to carmen because i do love that she wanted to protect him at all#that her saying gray was also just the part of her that wanted HIM back specifically#HIM asking her for a connection HIM going on missions with her HIM being on her side#its just so muddled and messy with the reality of it#and the fact that her feeling are real enough that the truth doesn't eradicate her fondness for him at all#we just get deeper layers of angst !#him saying he regrets DOES matter#her having a cool team red doesn't replace that she wants him on that team#that every counter gray has for her is still met with her reaching for him[memories/change!]#until she has to double down on the right thing#because sorry my lil dude <3 no#they're so complicated#they really do simply like each other#they're just going about it all messy
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eliot and the security team union was so fucking cute also I’d die for all of them
#‘you don’t really work here do you’ ‘you still fixin to do’ I LOVE THIS MAN#HE KNEW ELIOT WASNT A WORKER BUT LET HIM DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE HE WAS DOING GOOD WORK AND WAS A GOOD PERSON#i need a million more instances where people *know* the leverage crew is Up To Something possibly illegal and just. like. vibe with it#because honestly same#i aint paid enough to care about crime sorry not sorry#let these hot criminals ruin careers not my problem#fuck around and find out#i need him and eliot to be canon friends after this it’s what eliot deserves#also hardison in this episode was so funny#the work study job#leverage redemption#leverage redemption 2.10#leverage redemption season 2#eliot spencer#mine
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what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.
#i am fine ftr im just. exhausted haha#NOT to overshare about my personal life too much but my dog is dying. my horse is being given back to his og owner this summer / fall.#my dads kicking me out in two years (in favor of his girlfriend and her kids bc he would rather live w them!!!)#his alcoholism is driving me crazy bc hes treating me like absolute shit and berating me constantly#and stealing from me 🙃#ive lost my healthcare benefits + now have to either raw dog therapy out of pocket or loose my therapist#a therapist that took me a year of being on a waiting list to get in w btw#and idk i just genuinely feel like a loser rn like. im a 23 year old unemployed fat virgin who plays video games all day like. 🧍#where is this going for me. what is the point of it all. in two years im going to be fucking homeless on top of all that#unless some miracle happens bc as is i am too disabled to work.#im just reaching a point where i deeply dont care anymore. whatever happens happens im done fighting it#and ik its the abandonment issues talking here but knowing my dad is planning on abandoning me. 👍#thats two for two on parents leaving me. my entire family has at this point so like truly i cant trust any relationship#like if my PARENTS find me that unbearable. and my best friend who knew me my entire life thought so. then truly every relationship#i ever have is on a fucking timer like. idk if any besties r reading this im sorry i promise this is in no way a dig at yall#bc you guys do really make me feel loved and secure in a way no one else has but. id be lying if i said i wasnt still scared#anyways enough oversharing#i really am fine and safe rn btw like. at minimum u guys r stuck w me until arc*ne season 2 comes out 😂#my post
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Mmm having another like venting in my head but knowing the second im done venting im gonna be like you didnt mean that tho moment
#its just hhhh I was not in the mood for other people today and my friend came over and took most of my day away and like… oh maybe there is#such a thing as relying too much on people and its this friend like rrrrr the i didnt mean that is because no people need to talk about thin#gs it’s healthy I dont want people to think theyre bad for taking my time its just that I wasnt feeling it for most of today I needed to be#by myself and like enjoy my games by myself and I attempted to make that known and i dont think they got the hint#and just hhh stop trying to bring up your problems right now this is my time to play a game I really wanna enjoy and i dont think im enjoyin#it as much as I could if I played it first by myself and I didnt say that directly so no way they could know and I will finish it on my own#hopefully if i have time cause thats it I dont have enough time for myself I need me time#and also my friend Needs to stop making suicide jokes. thats it thats the main one. like dude im having fun how do i respond to the reminder#that my friend doesn’t want to live#and going back attempting to bring up a problem while im gaming. I could of answered their question better but i was in such a mood that it#was like okay im gonna dismiss you and I dont want to dismiss struggling people no thats not who i want to be i want to help#… I hate it when I cant help so much#vent#I swear the timing of this to be when a certain someone went to bed was purely coincidence its just that I got back from friend hang rn#tw suicide mention#why is it when im in a mood I just sorta hate some of my friends like i was getting annoyed at them taking my drinks/snacks when usually im#like oh yeah go for it#is it oh youre in a mood you get the opposite of your usual love your friends with your entire heart or is it that like deep down I think th#ey take more than they give back. I have before almost said that I feel like I help their issues but they dismiss mine but then i got distra#cted by them essentially helping with it but like im not even sure if that was in response to me saying im lonely#also okay at one point they thanked me it was the bit where they said im their reason to live and then immediately asked if they could come#over and its like. well okay i feel like I have no choice here#and yesterday they mentioned oh i think I might take up too much of your time or something and like im too nice to tell you yeah sometimes#but it is to note i didn’t outright say no you dont I always love spending time with you or something i said oh i tell you if i really cant#due to homework. I am not made to be immediately busy immediately after i finish school I need time for myself#and im sorry you don’t have things to do on sat-wed but I have work I need to do cause there’s always so much work so at least thanks for#letting me have that time#… I love them I want to see them get better… so i wont say this to them
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kagiura akira is SO asexual coded i'm losing my mind
#i've been reading kagihira since i got caught up to sasamiya#and i'm on this chapter where kagi and his friend talk about his idea of romance#and the boy is so confused about everything i related to him so much#like.. having a crush when ur acespec is CONFUSING ASF#bc you cant really grasp the concept of attraction so everytime u talk about ur crush ppl think it must be just platonic love not romantic#and their reaction confuses u even more because you know u feel something but if it’s not the usual crush feeling then what the fuck is it?#i dont know if i'm reading too much into that one scene but GOD IT JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE#please i'm begging yall please let him be asexual#also there was a panel where he remembers a past relationship with a girl#and it implies that she broke up w him because she thought their relationship wasnt romantic enough and was more like being just classmates#DO YOU GUYS SEE THE POTENTIAL I'M SEEING#let kagiura akira be asexual. please. i need it for my soul#hirano to kagiura#hirano and kagiura#kagiura akira#hirano taiga#sasaki to miyano#sasamiya#kagihira#hirakagi#asexual#asexuality#headcanons
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How it feels to watch minecraft diaries as a 21 year old woman
#the pyre#just passed the point where we meet kc for the first time#btw mcd season 1 is the only aphmau series I watch bc mcd after s1 has a major tonal shift that I cannot get behind#I never got far enough into mystreet to get introduced to all those new characters#and even as a middle schooler I knew that pdh was cringe#and I think she's had other big series outside these 3 but I've never watched#I think it's funny seeing aphmau b4 she rly started taking her rps more seriously and every character has a va#I still love her and the cast (at least the ones I'm familar with) but I wish all her content was brainrot meant to be consumed by toddlers#I check out her channel from time to time and b4 she p much only made videos with#zane kc ein pierce noi mac and ofc her husband#and she still does but I remember clicking on a vid a few months ago and lucinda was there!#and also I've seen garroth and katelyn make an appearance!#I used to love her vids in 2020 when she wasnt uploading rps but it was b4 she devolved into brainrot#like her “minecraft but the water rises” or “minecraft but we can only dig down” vids and I rly liked her#I think that the reason why aph is one of the few old popular mcyters who still is rly popular today is bc of her minigames#like seeing the charcters be all serious in mcd and then seeing them get along as friends in mystreet and then seeing jess and the vas get#along as friends in her minigame vids...amazing#and those vids are v reminiscent of those old vids I think we all love#but I bring this up bc I know that garroth would appear in those 2020 vids but then he kinda...disappeared#so I'm glad he's back even if it's just for one vid#but I havent seen katelyn since like....when pdh was still airing#so her appearance FLOORED me but in a good way#I just think it's funny how many connections jess has#like ppl joke about how theres a solid chunk of former vas who worked on jess' series who actually made it into the industry#good for them#also I wonder how many of the old vas she's still in contact with#and god jess#it's been FOUR years#you got popular for rping WHEN will you upload another rp?!?!?!?1#upload another rp and my soul is yours
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today someone asked me if i watch house of the dragon and who's my favorite character and i had to act normal about it i was like "yes i do….. alicent is my favorite… i just think she's been through so much i feel a lot of sympathy for her"
#instead of yk. cry about how much a love her and how she makes me sick to my stomach#and that shes a crazy repressed lesbian who was forced to marry when she was a child#and because of that she doesn't really know how to be a mother but she tries her best#even if her best isnt enough but she still loves her children#someone who's only comfort was her gods but now nothing makes her feel holy#and she just wants to be free. not a queen not a mother not a grandmother#just free. wearing soft blue instead of green and asking her now enemy and once best friend to abandon everything and run away with her#and thank GOD i wasnt talking to a hateful bitch. he was like oh yeah i really like her too#txt
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did you know?
the insistence by commentary creators on treating children the same way as adults has caused ridiculous amounts of harm.
over and over i would see drama about various artists, and so many of them were just kids. some of them were younger than me, but i didnt know that. i thought they were all much older than me, because that's how they were treated.
"oh this person was a groomer" they were a child. if a child is exhibiting groomer-like tendencies, they don't just get that out of nowhere.
"oh this person pretended to have mental illness or s/h for attention" that is not a thing that normal people do. you look stupid when you say that. just because someone is doing something "for attention" doesn't mean nothing's actually wrong.
"this kid was racist" im from an extremely white, quite cishet, and very able-bodied town (or, at the very least, the town is inaccessible enough that you just don't see that many disabled people, who knows). sometimes you learn bigoted rhetoric, then have to unlearn it. sometimes you say stupid shit because other people around you say that exact stupid shit. kids in particular do not always know better. just because theyre 16 doesn't mean they're exempt from being stupid.
like.
can we stop hatemobbing fucking children. i have at least lingered online for almost 10 years. kids are one of the most likely groups to get harassed, often by adults. im glad i never developed a sizeable following before i turned 18. i wouldnt have been able to handle it either.
but im just shouting to the void, really. commentary creators dont fucking learn. they just hop onto the next bandwagon and ignore it.
do you ever wonder why so many commentary types keep getting into trouble? hopeless peaches, creepshow, daftpina, turkey tom, omnia, prison mate luke, im sure i could think of more given the time and given a little bit more research to track down some old creators i used to watch. good people don't go online and talk about kids like they should be killed. the art commentary community as a whole is rife with toxicity, seemingly always searching for small prey nobody's heard of. I remember a very long time ago there was a "drama" because an artist on deviantart didn't want their art being favourited (they misunderstood what it did) and that was a big enough deal to start making videos about. playlists upon playlists preying on kids being stupid.
if not kids, then any other vulnerable group will do just fine, too. if you remember the "tumblr art style", youll know it had a few main "characteristics"; ambiguous race, hairy legs, character depictions that weren't conventionally attractive, bandaids, s/h scars, drawing the characters with different body types, depictions of mental illnesses and disorders, the works. the "tumblr art style" was, in reality, a dogwhistle. it wasn't about the art. it was about the fact that it wasnt a white, cishet, able-bodied, neurotypical man or woman. that was a topic for a few years. "the problem with the tumblr art style", "tumblr art style cringe", i only knew of tumblr from those types of videos when i was in middle school.
commentary rarely if ever cares about justice. its just another dime in their wallet, and if they have to harass kids to get it, well, that's just fine.
#ive on and off watched commentary videos for years.#birdie's recent apology has also left me with a few thoughts yknow#i can think of SEVERAL kids that were labelled as groomers#who were in reality being groomed themselves#or were otherwise surrounded by dangerous and harmful behaviour#i hate the refusal to see kids as kids#'oh well they should just know ebtter theyre old enough'#as if they have any real experience with the world#shit like this is why i have an extremely dicey relationship with whether or not kids should be allowed online#i wouldnt have most of my friends if i wasnt allowed online as a kid#but its undeniably hurt me too#and im scared to think what wouldve happened if id had the kind of presence some of these other kids had#because the internet LOVES to scream and bitch and moan at autistic kids in particular#the minute people realise youre disabled you become an easy target for mockery#anyway#cw grooming mention#muffle#ive watched people forget that this shit has happened#people treat it like tiktok invented this problem#but they havent#these are old wounds that the internet refuses to let scab over#ive tried to grow a presence for years so that id have enough people interested in my art to commission me#ive had accounts since i was 13#ive had beef with people. people have stolen my characters#people have lied about me.#and its a good thing none of that was in the hands of the wrong people.#this is such an important topic to me. its so important it makes me sick.#these situations are why internet safety matters so much.
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idk vent post
cw homeschooling trauma and general emotional abuse
#i am so angry#i was raised as a homeschooled child and just#the loneliness#the silence#my dad would joke all the time about how to act if cps showed up#meanwhile whatever happened could happen and i had no safe adult to do#go to#my moms friends from highschool would come to visit and warn her that she should leave#she would tell me “#honey love is complicated and hard and hurtful“#and then homeschool us at the age of fucking 22#she didnt go to college#my dad barely got a GED#i practically was a second mother to my sister because just#homeschooling was not enough#when i finally went to school my dad would threaten to take me out if i acted up or didnt answer my phone 24/7#one time when i was 14ish he told me he was going to ground me to where i couldnt leave the house at all except to walk the dog and take out#the trash and i wasnt allowed to see my friends anymore#because i didnt answer my phone in class#i cried and begged and pleaded to please let me stay in school please i love school#my mom talked him into grounding me for only 9months#i was allowed to go to school but i had to come straight home and i was only allowed to see my friend in the apartment complex when i walked#the dog#existing with my brain feels heavy rn#im just tired. im an adult. im almost 24#my mother was homeschooling a 3 and 2 year old at my age#i mourn for her
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