#that it causes public health changes in humans

[in-mutual-weirdness]

A tidbit I learned from my disease ecology class back in college - ticks have seasons.

Major caveat that what I learned is specific to the Northeastern US and Lyme disease. Please go look up information on your local ticks and their diseases!

The way that the tick life cycle works, they have 3 main life stages where they're crawling around the place, and therefore 3 points in the year at which they're actively feeding. First is larvae, when they've just hatched from their egg, then nymph, then adult, which is when they're breeding. Because ticks acquire Lyme disease by feeding on animals that carry bacteria for it, larvae can't transfer it because they've never fed before. However, nymphs and adults *can*.

The ticks grab a single host animal, feed until they're fully engorged, and then rebury themselves to hibernate until the next life stage.

Here's the rough life cycle - nymphs show up in Spring and Summer (peak May-Aug), before molting and becoming adults, returning to feed again in the Fall (Oct-Nov). These summer and fall activity peaks are when you most need to be on the lookout, especially for the nymphs. They are most likely to cause disease because they're in the sweet spot of "small and hard to see" and "is likely to have the disease". So be extra vigilant about checking and keeping your skin covered during then.

For people outside the northeast US, highly recommend looking up public health information on ticks and outdoor safety generally. State/Province organizations will have the most up-to-date and personally relevant information, as will environmental research centers. I learned this stuff from a professor who studied Lyme disease for a living, and who worked with state health agencies to help track the spread of ticks and disease from year to year. Go find your maps and seasonal guides, like the one for Germany.

I'm trying to write a post about tick safety and avoiding tick bites, but a lot of the info on websites is like "Avoid going in the woods, in plants, and where there are wild animals" and "Activities like hiking and gardening can put you at risk" and I'm like thanks! This is worthless!

As ticks and tick borne illnesses are expanding their range, I think it's important for people to be educated about these things, and I think it's especially important to give people actual advice on how to protect themselves instead of telling them to just...avoid the natural world

Rough draft version of Tick Advice:

Ticks don't jump down on you from trees, they get on you when you brush against grass, brush, bushes etc.

Ticks get brought to an area when they get done feeding from an animal and fall off them. In the USA, the main tick-bringing animal is deer, but I've seen plenty ticks on feral cats and songbirds.

Ticks get killed when they dry out so drier areas with more sunlight are less favorable to ticks.

The above is useful for figuring out whether an area is likely to have lots of ticks, and how vigilant you have to be in that area.

Wear light-colored, long pants outside. Tuck your pants into your socks, and tuck your shirt into the waist of your pants. Invest in light, breathable fabrics idc

IMMEDIATELY change out of your outside clothes when you come back from a tick-prone area, wash them, and dry them on high heat to kill any ticks that might be stuck on.

Shower and check yourself for ticks after coming inside. Hair, armpits, and nether regions in particular. You can use a handheld mirror or rely on touch; an attached tick will feel like a bump kinda like a scab

While you're outside, you can just periodically check for ticks by running your hands down your legs and checking visually to see if anything is crawling on your clothes. Light colors make them easy to spot, and they don't move fast.

Combing through each others' hair to check for creepy crawly critters is a time-honored primate ritual and is not weird. When hiking, bring a friend who will have your back when you feel something on your neck and need to know if it's sweat or a tick

If you're careful, you can usually catch ticks before they bite you, but if one does bite you, it's not the end of the world. Since tickborne diseases are different regionally i suspect this advice will differ based on where you are, but the important thing is remove the tick with tweezers (DON'T use butter, a lit match, or anything that kills the tick while it's still attached, please) and contact a doctor to see what to watch for. Most illnesses you can catch from ticks are easily treatable if you recognize them when symptoms first appear

[arijackz]

PICK A CARD: Your Road to Fame

♛ “If God gives you something you can do, why in God's name wouldn't you do it?” ―Stephen King

Disclaimer: This is a general reading, take what resonates. This is a gender-neutral reading, change any pronouns to apply to you.

p1 → p2 ↙︎ p3 → p4

♕ Pile One (8oP, 3oW rev., Temperance, The Hermit)

Your road to fame would be quite unorthodox and since you’re paving an original path, it would take time, patience, and dedication. This is not an overnight sensation type of thing. Think Sheraseven- the Sprinkle Sprinkle Lady ✨. She had been consistently making content (unique, neo “feminist” videos way before it picked up in media) for well over a decade. She even had a spiritual side to her, she talked about esoteric themes in pop culture and made guides on how to manifest and attract abundance. 

This is my spiritual pile, you would get famous for offering psychic insight (using clairaudience capabilities in particular) or putting your own creative spin on things using your spiritual attunement. Like Sheraseven for example, she combined her interest in esoteric practices with her love for pop culture and social commentary. 

Inherently, esoteric studies have smaller audiences so it would take significant time to build up worldwide fame (if you even want that). 

Honestly, with your skills, any fame you get is due to a higher power. You are a conduit for elevating the collective consciousness. You will be seen because your insight is meant to be heard. Society is heading towards a deep transformation and shift of power from the ultra-rich to the common man and you’re one of the ushers of this change. Your words empower people and are a primary reason for your incarnation. 

Any platform you build is going to be held to a higher standard than most in the eyes of the public and the universe. People are going to look at you for guidance and inspiration and the petty, nasty shit you see in media nowadays will not bode well if you enact it. You will be made an example of how to behave and treat others. Your bad actions will be punished more harshly than anyone else’s and your good actions will be rewarded tenfold. 

Major Jupiterian and Plutonian influence. A genius astrologer on this app tracked the most common nakshatras of K-Pop Idols, and Jupiter dominated their charts. They are held to an incredibly high standard and are trained to be model citizens. However, their fame surpasses the average celebrity and they are practically worshipped worldwide. *ahem* You.

I mean… imagine if a holier-than-thou mental health, peace, and love guru was bullying people on Twitter, nobody would listen to anything you have to say. You HAVE to pay careful attention to your media presence and image.

Howeevveerrr, your biggest personal challenge is trusting yourself and your capability. The thing with spirituality is, it lies outside of human perception, so there is no concrete evidence to prove it to others. So, you would battle with, “Am I even right? Will anyone believe me?” and it would cause a shit ton of anxiety cause you’re constantly questioning yourself. 

Be cautious not to clip your own wings. I can't stress this enough: you are meant for this! You are the real deal! If others don’t believe in you, so what? Only YOU need to believe in yourself. Offer honest help to others, and if they choose not to take your advice, that's their loss. Remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink—just as my grandmama would say. DO IT THE FUCK ANYWAY!

But have patience! That’s another thing, you’ll grow frustrated if your platform isn’t building as quickly as you’d like. You have to remember that the divine has a hand in this ordeal, they are going to attract the right people at the right time and it likely won’t align with your sense of urgency. Trust the process and stay committed—you’re on the right path!

P.S. Your work will be slow. Most careers require a “grind”, yours won’t. You need to prioritize introspection, drawing your attention inward and looking for answers deep within your soul. Don’t stress logic and manipulation of the algorithm, trust your inner knowing. 

(Do you have a prominent Pluto in your chart: Either in a cardinal house or conjunct a personal planet? You are a major player in the world’s rebirth.)

Okay bye bye! MUAH! 💋💋

The Seer of the Space Between Worlds

♕ Pile Two (7oS, 9oS, Queen of Wands, The High Priestess, 5oS, 10oW, 5oW rev.)

YOU’RE SEXY AND HOES ARE MAAADDDDD.

Your road to fame is you embracing your authentic self. Something about your beauty: your looks, how you style yourself, who you’re seeing romantically, your creativity, your sensuality,

or you could lead a visually pleasing “soft girl” lifestyle. Anything that makes people look at you just swoon. 

People would be mad because they think you have it easy. You don’t really have to do much, but be beautiful because people desire you and your lifestyle. If you’re a woman, I see you leading self-confidence courses and teaching women of all ages how to raise their self-esteem by detaching from anything that drains their inner wild woman.

This reading is hyper-feminine, if you’re a man you’d get famous for your proximity to women or will have a female-dominated fanbase that sees you as their dream guy and wants to date you. 

You create a wonderfully comfy vibe; everything you do looks effortless, even if it takes a ton of hard work behind the scenes. You sell a fantasy, showcasing the polished version of a lifestyle while hiding the nitty-gritty realities. Take that Ballerina Farms lady, for example. She’s running a farm, raising 50 kids, and cooking from scratch daily, all while looking FABULOUS. I bet she goes to bed exhausted! Yet to the public, everything appears romantic and effortlessly beautiful, making it seem far easier than it actually is. Now everyone is dreaming of escaping to a self-sustaining farm and embracing that charming cottage-core lifestyle.

However, underneath all the glitz and glamour, there is something dark in your mental space. You attract a lot of envy. People desire your lifestyle to the extent that they’ll get buddy-buddy with you just to be near what you have, hoping it will rub off on them. You’ll have to learn to navigate deceitful energies and “friends” who are secretly competing with you.

People will like the idea of getting you out of your “princess” character. They want you to look like the bad guy- someone who is actually a mean bitch underneath your cool, calm, and collected persona. 

This aspect of fame, in the broader context of your life, will teach you discernment and help you trust your intuitive judgment of others. However, on this journey, you may find yourself grappling with intense paranoia and trust issues. Having been burned by people in the past, you'll become hyper-vigilant, determined to avoid the same pain again. Yet, through this struggle, you'll also discover the importance of vulnerability and the value of genuine connections, allowing you to grow stronger and more resilient in the face of adversity.

You will meet the best people in your life and your greatest adversaries at this time. 

But don’t sweat it, they hate you because they don’t have shit on you.

Okay bye bye! MUAH! 💋💋

She Weaves Timeless Romanticism Into The Mundane

♕ Pile Three (Page of Pentacles, The World, 10oW, King of Pentacles, Powerful, Saturn, Gemini Medical, Seduction)

You have the power to unite the world baby. Your key to fame is sharing your perspective on life. 

You possess a deep understanding of a universal truth that many remain blind to, and it's crucial to share your ideas. If this resonates with you, you'll likely feel a weight of knowledge pressing down on you, creating a longing to communicate and connect with others. This insight isn't just a personal burden; it’s your ticket to stardom. By expressing this truth, you have the potential to inspire others, spark meaningful conversations, and elevate both yourself and those around you. 

You have the gift of the gab, can charm the birds from the trees, a mouth like a magpie, can sell ketchup to a lady in white gloves, and every other saying under the sun that says your words are seductive. 

I don’t think you realize this but you have a knack for attracting an audience. You may feel insecure and think people stare at you for no reason or listen too intently to everything you say, but it's because you radiate an aura of importance. 

Significant placements: Saturn in a cardinal house or major conjunction, Libra, Cap, Aqua, Pushya, Anuradha, and Uttara Bhadrapada.

Your mind is critical, astute, and hyper-aware; this aspect of yourself bleeds into your physical existence. Your body language communicates this fact and people pick up on it, giving the impression that you’re intelligent and have something important to say.

You know those internet personalities who, for whatever reason, people hang onto their every word? When something happens in the media, people rush to their comments and ask about their thoughts and opinions. Or, all their content is their knowledge about niche things or their viewpoint on divisive arguments in society. That’s your shit right there. 

You’re likely not too interested in mainstream media and like to consume content that expands your knowledge and mentally stimulates you. 

There is a deep sense of doubt here, you’re probably reading this and going, “But I’m not smart🫤.”

LIEESSSSS!

You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit, you’re a genius! You might be surprised at how interested people are in your thoughts if you find the courage to share them. Sure, you’ll encounter some naysayers along the way, but who cares? It’s the internet, and let’s be honest—people can be insufferable. You could say the sky is blue and there’d be some smartass like, “Well actually, with all the methane in the atmosphere the sky turns pink with a dash of purple at approximately 6:44 pm in the western hemisphere  ☝🏾🤓.”

You can’t let these losers silence you. 😭😭

Focus on those who resonate with your message and don’t let the negativity hold you back. Your voice matters, and the world needs to hear what you have to say!

Just to reiterate, it IS your ticket to getting the spotlight you deserve.

P.S. If you have Saturn dominance, especially in relation to Mercury, you likely experienced some delays and struggles in your education and learning development (SAMESIES). You might have a speech impediment or struggle to find the right words. 1) Things will get better with time and you will likely surpass everyone else in terms of communication because you will put a lot of focus into refining your speech. 2) People will find your speech endearing because it shows that you’re human, imperfect, and relatable. It makes it easier for people to connect to you and resonate with your message. 

P.S.S. For some of you, this message is tied to your academics and whatever you’re learning professionally. 

P.S.S.S It's hours later, and I'm letting my intuition shape your mood board. The imagery is… quiet yet formidable, like towering mountains or the very core of the Earth. You have an intellect that doesn’t need to scream that it’s sharp. You embody the dignified essence of Saturn, exuding a carefully crafted composure. People are drawn to unravel your layers, eager to glimpse the depth within. It may sound strange, but over time, people come to see you as profoundly wise.

Okay bye bye! MUAH! 💋💋

The Gentle Fortitude in Peace of Mind

♕ Pile Four (Page of Swords, 2oP, 4oW, 4oS rev., 9oS rev., High Priestess)

Haha, you think you won’t find love but you’re about to receive one of the greatest love stories of a lifetime 🫵🏾!

Your road to fame is a blossoming partnership filled with love, mutual respect, and endless banter. 

It could be a familial, platonic, romantic, or a friends-to-lovers situation, doesn’t matter. Your bond with another is what will catch the media’s attention. In today’s age, this could be in the form of a podcast or live streaming where people get to observe you and your person’s natural flow of conversation.

Do you know Aaron and Jo? They’re commentators who’ve been friends since childhood, and their unique rapport is magnetizing. It’s effortless and incredibly comfortable to witness, making their interactions feel genuine and warm. They have middle-school boy humor but they’ve refined it over the years, so it appeals to all audiences and is genuinely hilarious. You and your person will have something one-of-a-kind like this. 

This is sort of separate from the reading, beyond the potential fame, this person is coming into your life (or is already in it) as a gift from the Universe. The karmic scales are balancing in your favor. You’ve spent years emotionally pouring into people with very little in return and as a form of justice, you are going to meet people who “Match your Freak”, so to speak. 

Placements: Tropical Aries, Sidereal Pisces, Uttara Bhadrapada Nakshatra. Any Cancer or 4th house placements. 

You’ll know this is coming when you’re going through a season of release. Whatever has been draining you emotionally and torturing you psychically will just… poof!

One day you’re going to, “fuck that shit, it’s not the deep- WE BALL!” your way to success 😭😭.

This is my bubbliest pile. Not that you are a bubbly person, in fact, life’s trials and tribulations took away your ability to crack a smile for a while. But this new phase you’re entering is nothing but giggles and a great fucking time. You deserve it!

This person is going to nurture you in ways that even your inner child can’t fully comprehend. The success you find online won’t even feel like the ultimate prize; it’s the deep connection you build that truly matters. This bond will uplift you and provide the support you didn’t know you needed, making the journey all the more rewarding.

P.S. You might have Libra or 7th house significance in your chart because a core aspect of your life revolves around connection and partnership—more so than most. It's time to celebrate! Toss your cap in the sky, you’ve completed a huge karmic cycle and your blessings are coming! 

Okay bye bye! MUAH! 💋💋

The Joyous Hum of Divine Union

[afeelgoodblog]

The Best News of Last Week

1. A branch of the flu family tree has died and won't be included in future US vaccines

A type of flu virus that used to sicken people every year hasn't been spotted anywhere on Earth since March 2020. As such, experts have advised that the apparently extinct viruses be removed from next year's flu vaccines.

The now-extinct viruses were a branch of the influenza B family tree known as the Yamagata lineage. Scientists first reported the apparent disappearance of Yamagata viruses in 2021.

2. Hospitals must obtain written consent for pelvic and similar exams, the federal government says

Hospitals must obtain written informed consent from patients before subjecting them to pelvic exams and exams of other sensitive areas — especially if an exam will be done while the patient is unconscious, the federal government said Monday.

New guidance from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services now requires consent for breast, pelvic, prostate and rectal exams for “educational and training purposes” performed by medical students, nurse practitioners or physician assistants.

3. Germany approves new law that will allow adults to carry up to 25 grams of cannabis for their own consumption and store up to 50 grams at home.

Germany's upper house, the Bundesrat, cleared the way to partially legalize cannabis on Friday. Adults aged 18 and over will be allowed to carry up to 25 grams of cannabis for their own consumption.

4. Tick-killing pill shows promising results in human trial | Should it pan out, the pill would be a new weapon against Lyme disease.

Tarsus Pharmaceuticals is developing a pill for humans that could provide protection against the tick-borne disease for several weeks at a time. In February, the Irvine, California–based biotech company announced results from a small, early-stage trial showing that 24 hours after taking the drug, it can kill ticks on people, with the effects lasting for up to 30 days.

5. Thailand moves to legalise same-sex marriage

Thailand has taken a historic step closer to marriage equality after the lower house passed a bill giving legal recognition to same-sex marriage.

It still needs approval from the Senate and royal endorsement to become law but it is widely expected to happen by the end of 2024, making Thailand the only South East Asian country to recognise same-sex unions.

6. French Revolution: Cyclists Now Outnumber Motorists In Paris

Official measurements have found that Paris is rapidly becoming a city of transportation cyclists. In the suburbs, where public transit is less dense, transport by car was found to be the main form of mobility. But for journeys from the outskirts of Paris to the center, the number of cyclists now far exceeds the number of motorists, a huge change from just five years ago.

7. 'Miracle' operation reverses blindness in three-year-old girl giving her 'promising' future

A three year old with a genetic condition that causes blindness is doing incredibly well after unique pioneering operation to restore her sight.

The UK is the only country performing keyhole eye surgery to inject healthy copies of a gene into sufferers’ eyes. It is being used to reverse blindness in children born with a rare condition which means they can only distinguish between light and dark. And it has given little Khadijah Chaudhry, born with Leber congenital amaurosis-4, a chance at seeing properly again.

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That's it for this week :)

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Also don’t forget to reblog this post with your friends.

[cosmicpuzzle]

Mercury in Houses

Mercury in 1st House

You are an intellectual person and have a lot of questions. You are curious and restless. You may have difficulty slowing down your mind. You are quick witted and mercurial (especially in signs Gemini, Virgo, Aries). You learn a lot from experiences than textbooks. You can be proud intellectually or don't appreciate others viewpoints.

Mercury in 2nd House

Your mind is often focused on financial matters and wealth. You often think about increasing your income. You have a good mind for selling and commerce and may succeed in business. You can micromanage your finances. You may be a good speaker too.

Mercury in 3rd House

You have an active mind, and you are good at writing and communication. You are a quick learner and may be employed in customer care, IT and education sector. You love short travels on cycles, bikes, trains and cars. You can have a lot of contacts.

Mercury in 4th House

You can be bit introverted, and your feelings are strong. You are interested in psychology and the past. You are interested in human behavior. You are nostalgic and remember things from the past. You can change residences often.

Mercury in 5th House

You are interested in love and romance. You are communicative and flirty in love. Your thoughts are on romance and fun often. You can be a creative person and do well with storytelling. You like to read romantic novels and may publish storybooks for children. You can be good at stockmarket.

Mercury in 6th House

You can be nervous and interested in health, diet and hygiene. You are a hard worker and do well in fields related to numbers, accounting and documents. You are good in solving day to day problems practically and efficiently.

Mercury in 7th House

You are attracted to people who are intelligent, witty and communicative and seek these attributes in a partner. Intellectual rapport with others is important to you. You need to feel that you can discuss any aspect of your relationship with your partner. You are suited to public relations work, as you enjoy meeting people and dealing with the public in general.

Mercury in 8th House

You have a deep interest in occult and metaphysics. You can be uncommunicative and reserved. You are good at research and investigation. You may be good at managing other's assets and in corporate finance.

Mercury in 9th House

You are interested in higher knowledge, philosophy and spiritual matters. You are motivated to broaden your horizons. You can travel abroad for education and may be good at learning foreign languages.

Mercury in 10th House

Your mind is focused on professional achievement. You are suited to business, academic work, writing, journalism, politics and the communication industries. You have organizational skills, leadership capabilities and the ability to make executive decisions. You enjoy variety in your profession and may hold down more than one job or seek a career that constantly tests your skills.

Mercury in 11th House

Spending time with your friends is important to you. You belong to common interest groups or societies. A natural networker, you are able to bring people together for a purpose or cause.

Mercury in 12th House

You need to create a space in your life where you can retreat into your own private thoughts. You are quite happy in your own company and tend to prefer to work alone or behind-the-scenes. You may forget things easily.

For Readings DM

[covid-safer-hotties]

The next pandemic is inevitable. Australia isn’t ready - Published Sept 23, 2024

(Before you Americans yell at me, It's already the 23rd in Australia. This is very late-breaking)

I thought this was a really good breakdown of the current situation given the government-approved covid denial we live in. Long, but worth a read.

By Kate Aubusson and Mary Ward

Top infectious disease and public health veterans at the nerve centre of the state’s war against COVID-19 are sounding the alarm.

NSW is less prepared today to fend off a deadly pandemic despite the lessons of COVID-19, say top infectious disease and public health veterans at the nerve centre of the state’s war against the virus.

And we won’t have another hundred years to wait.

NSW’s gold standard Test-Trace-Isolate-Quarantine and vaccination strategies will be useless if a distrusting population rejects directives, refuses to give up its freedoms again, and the goodwill of shell-shocked public health workers dries up.

A panel of experts convened by The Sydney Morning Herald called for a pandemic combat agency akin to the armed forces or fire brigades to commit to greater transparency or risk being caught off guard by the next virulent pathogen and misinformation with the potential to spread faster than any virus.

“It’s inevitable,” says Professor Eddie Holmes of the next pandemic. A world-leading authority on the emergence of infectious diseases at the University of Sydney, Holmes predicts: “We’ll have less than 100 years [before the next pandemic].

“We’re seeing a lot of new coronaviruses that are spilling over into animals that humans are interacting with,” said Holmes, the first person to publish the coronavirus genome sequence for the world to see.

“People are exposed all the time, and each time we are rolling the dice.”

The independent review of NSW Health’s response to COVID-19 opened with the same warning: “No health system or community will have the luxury of 100 years of downtime.”

Pandemic preparedness needs to be a “permanent priority”, wrote the report’s author, Robyn Kruk, a former NSW Health secretary, “rather than following the path of those that have adopted a ‘panic and forget strategy,’ allowing system preparedness to wane”.

Why we don’t have 100 years to wait for the next pandemic The World Health Organisation has declared seven public health emergencies of international concern since 2014, including the current mpox outbreak.

Climate change is turbocharging the factors that coalesce to create the perfect breeding ground for a pandemic-causing virus, including population increases, bigger cities, and better-connected global markets and migration.

“Animals will be forced into more constrained environments, and humans that rely on those environments will be again constrained in the same environments. There will be more wet markets, more live animal trade that will just increase exposure,” Holmes said.

“It was clear that we weren’t ready [for COVID],” said Jennie Musto, who, after seven years working for the World Health Organisation overseas, became NSW Health’s operations manager for the Public Health Emergency Operations Centre, the team responsible for NSW’s COVID-19 contact tracing and containment.

“Everyone had preparedness plans gathering dust on a shelf, but no one was actually ready to respond, and so everyone was on the back foot,” Musto said. “Perhaps none of us really thought this was going to happen. We were waiting 500 years.”

Who would willingly become the next doomed whistleblower? Eddie Holmes, known for his repeated assertion that SARS-CoV-2 did not come from a lab, is deeply concerned that when the next pandemic-causing virus emerges, chances are it will be covered up.

“My worry is that if the virus appeared in a small population, say, somewhere in Southeast Asia, the people involved wouldn’t blow the whistle now, given the fact that you would get blamed,” he said.

Li Wenliang, the Wuhan doctor who tried to raise the alarm about a virulent new virus, was reportedly reprimanded by police for spreading rumours and later died of COVID-19.

The global blame game, culminating in a deep distrust of China and accusations that the virus was grown in a Wuhan lab, is why Holmes believes “we’re in no better place than we were before COVID started, if not worse”.

“I work with a lot of people in China trying to keep the lines of communication open, and they’re scared, I think, or nervous about saying things that are perceived to counter national interest.”

From a vaccine perspective, our defences look strong. There have been monumental advancements in vaccine development globally, driven by mRNA technology. In Sydney this month, construction began on an RNA vaccine research and manufacturing facility.

“But the way I see it is that nothing has been done in terms of animal surveillance of outbreaks or data sharing. The [global] politics has got much, much worse,” Holmes said.

Combat force Conjoint Associate Professor Craig Dalton, a leading public health physician and clinical epidemiologist, called for a dramatic expansion of the public health workforce and the establishment of a pandemic combat force that would routinely run real-time pandemic simulations during “peacetime”.

“No one is upset with fire brigades spending most of the time not fighting fires. They train. A lot. And that’s probably how we need to move,” he said.

“We need exercise training units so that every major player in pandemic response is involved in a real-time, three to four-day pandemic response every three to five years at national, state and local [levels].”

The federal Department of Health and Aged Care recently ran a health emergency exercise focused on governance arrangements involving chief health officers and senior health emergency management officials, a spokeswoman for Health Minister Mark Butler said. The outcomes of this exercise will be tested later this year.

Dalton said desktop simulations and high-level exercises involving a handful of chiefs didn’t cut it, considering the thousands of people working across regions and states. He instead suggested an intensive training program run in the Hunter New England region before the 2009 H1N1 pandemic provided a good model.

“We were ringing people, actors were getting injections, just like a real pandemic,” said Dalton, who once ordered a burrito in a last-ditch effort to contact a restaurant exposed to COVID-19.

Our heroes have had it The expert panel was emphatic that our pandemic response cannot once again rely on the goodwill of the public health and healthcare workforce.

According to the Kruk review, what began as an emergency response ultimately morphed from a sprint into an ultra marathon and “an admirable (yet unsustainable) ‘whatever it takes’ mindset”.

They were hailed as heroes, but the toll of COVID-19 on healthcare workers was brutal. Workloads were untenable, the risk of transmission was constant, and the risk of violence and aggression (for simply wearing their scrubs on public transport in some cases) was terrifying.

“We got through this pandemic through a lot of people working ridiculous hours,” Dalton said.

“You talk to a lot of people who did that and say they could not do it again.”

Tellingly, several expert personnel who worked at the front lines or in the control centre of NSW’s pandemic defences were invited to join the Herald’s forum but declined. Revisiting this period of intense public scrutiny, culminating in online attacks and physical threats, was just too painful.

So long, solidarity Arguably, the biggest threat to our pandemic defences will be the absence of our greatest strength during COVID: the population’s solidarity and willingness to follow public health orders even when it meant forfeiting fundamental freedoms.

The public largely complied with statewide public health orders, including the stay-at-home directive that became the 107-day Delta lockdown, and other severe restrictions prevented many from being at the bedside of their dying loved ones, visiting relatives in aged care homes and attending funerals.

“My worry is that next time around when those sorts of rules come out, people may say, ‘Well, don’t worry about it.’ They relax it in the future. Why don’t we just not stick to the rules?” said Professor Nicholas Wood, associate director of clinical research and services at the National Centre for Immunisation Research and Surveillance.

“I’m not sure we quite understand whether people [will be] happy with those rules again,” he said.

Dalton was more strident.

“I tend to agree with Michael Osterholm … an eminent US epidemiologist [who] recently said the US is probably less prepared for a pandemic now than it was in 2019, mostly because the learnings by health departments in the COVID pandemic may not make a material difference if faced with a community that distrusts its public health agencies,” he said.

“If H1N1 or something else were to spill over in the next couple of years, things like masks, social distancing and lockdowns would not be acceptable. Vaccination would be rejected by a huge part of the population, and politicians might be shy about putting mandates in.”

As for the total shutdown of major industries, people will struggle to accept it unless the next pandemic poses a greater threat than COVID, said UNSW applied mathematician Professor James Wood.

The risk of the virus to individuals and their families will be weighed against the negative effects of restrictions, which are much better understood today, said Wood, whose modelling of the impact of cases and vaccination rates was used by NSW Health.

“Something like school closure would be a much tougher argument with a similar pathogen,” he said.

A previous panel of education experts convened by the Herald to interrogate pandemic decision-making in that sector was highly critical of the decision to close schools for months during NSW’s Delta lockdown.

Greg Dore, professor of infectious diseases and epidemiology at the Kirby Institute, said the public’s reluctance to adhere to restrictions again may, in part, be appropriate.

“Some of the restrictions on people leaving the country were a bit feudal and too punitive,” he said. “Other restrictions were plain stupid, [for instance] limitations on time exercising outside.”

Meanwhile, the delays to publicly recognise the benefits of face masks and the threat of airborne transmission “ate away at trust”, Dalton said.

“We shouldn’t make those mistakes again,” he said.

Transparent transgressions Uncertainty is not something politicians are adept at communicating, but uncertainty is the only constant during a pandemic of a novel virus.

Vaccines that offered potent protection against early iterations of the COVID virus were less effective against Omicron variants.

“[The public], unfortunately, got hit by a rapid sequence of changes of what was ‘true’ in the pandemic,” James Wood said.

Political distrust can be deadly if governments give the public reason to suspect they are obfuscating.

The expert panel urged NSW’s political leaders to be far more transparent about the public health advice they were given before unilaterally enforcing restrictions.

There was a clear line between public health advice and political decision-making in Victoria. The Victorian chief health officer’s written advice was routinely published online.

In NSW, that line was blurred as Chief Health Officer Kerry Chant stood beside political leaders, most notably former premier Gladys Berejiklian, at the daily press conferences.

Public health experts said that they looked for subtle cues to determine the distinction between the expert advice and the political messaging during press conferences, paying attention to body language, who spoke when and who stayed silent.

“It is fine for public health personnel to have a different view to politicians. They have different jobs. What is not OK is to have politicians saying they are acting on public health advice [when they are not],” he said.

The ‘whys’ behind the decisions being made were missing from the daily press conferences, which created “a vacuum for misinformation”, said social scientist and public health expert Professor Julie Leask at the University of Sydney.

“The communication about what you need to do came out, and it was pretty good … but the ‘why we’re doing this’ and ‘what trade-offs we’ve considered’ and ‘what dilemmas we’ve faced in making this decision’; that was not shared,” Leask said.

The infodemic In the absence of transparency, misinformation and disinformation fill the vacuum.

“We had an ‘infodemic’ during the pandemic,” said Dr Jocelyne Basseal, who worked on the COVID-19 response for WHO in the Western Pacific and leads strategic development at the Sydney Infectious Diseases Institute, University of Sydney.

“The public has been so confused. Where do we go for trusted information [when] everyone can now write absolutely anything, whether on Twitter [now called X] or [elsewhere] on the web?” Basseal said.

A systematic review conducted by WHO found misinformation on social media accounted for up to 51 per cent of posts about vaccines, 29 per cent of posts about COVID-19 and 60 per cent of posts about pandemics.

Basseal’s teenage children recently asked whether they were going into lockdown after TikTok videos about the mpox outbreak.

“There is a lot of work to be done now, in ‘peacetime’ … to get ahead of misinformation,” Basseal said, including fortifying relationships with community groups and teaching scientists – trusted and credible sources of information – how to work with media.

In addition to the Kruk review’s six recommendations to improve its pandemic preparedness, NSW Health undertook a second inquiry into its public health response to COVID-19, which made 104 recommendations.

NSW Health Minister Ryan Park said: “We are working hard to ensure the findings and recommendations from those reports are being implemented as quickly as possible.”

The expert panellists spoke in their capacity as academics and not on behalf of NSW Health or WHO.

The ‘As One System’ review into NSW Health’s COVID-19 response made six recommendations 1. Make governance and decision-making structures clearer, inclusive, and more widely understood 2. Strengthen co-ordination, communication, engagement, and collaboration 3. Enhance the speed, transparency, accuracy, and practicality of data and information sharing 4. Prioritise the needs of vulnerable people and communities most at risk, impacted and in need from day one 5. Put communities at the centre of emergency governance, planning, preparedness, and response 6. Recognise, develop and sustain workforce health, wellbeing, capability and agility.

[commajade]

i was gonna stay out of the convo this time but i think i should reiterate:

the convo about mental health in south korea is actually very simple. every single mental health issue in south korean people and society can be traced back to japanese colonialism's hyperindustrialization of the peninsula that was then handed off to and continued by the U.S. military/government after the war.

every industry in south korea is soul crushing and health damaging because it was designed to extract resources and labor from korean people for the benefit of the ruling class and colonial powers and nothing has changed about that. it was designed to kill us and it does kill us.

if you are not korean and you have opinions about how south korea can improve their mental health your first suggestion better be the removal of U.S. military personnel on the peninsula or you're full of shit. you're participating in the same extraction of resources and labor that caused this. the kpop industry is exactly as "dark" as every other industry in south korea and by capitalizing on the suffering and death of korean people for moral satisfaction or attention you're directly contributing to the problem you oppose. the economic system korean people live in was designed to not treat koreans as human beings. and it's no coincidence that so many people in these convos refuse to treat korean people as human beings that deserve respect and to grieve our own artists and public figures in peace.

[dailyanarchistposts]

The way most people talk about climate change we are led to believe we all have an equal part in creating the capitalist nightmare we live in, but that’s a lie. The unsustainable and extractive nature of capitalism grew directly from the ideological and material foundations of European colonization. We cannot hold the entire human species responsible for that. It’s victim blaming.

The vast majority of waste is produced by the same people and institutions who hold power. Fighting for our planet, the health of our land, our food, our homes, our communities, is where the fight against capitalism and white supremacy collide. Any fight for environmental justice must also be a fight for racial justice because BI&POC are the ones who disproportionately bear the weight of climate change.

White Settler Colonialism Is Destroying the Planet, Not Poor BI&POC

Don’t believe the Malthusian and eco-fascist myth that there are too many people on the planet to care for. This is a lie peddled by capitalists, eugenicists, and people who advocate for genocide. We know that every landbase has its limit for how much life it can support (indigenous peoples have been saying this for hundreds of years), but “overpopulation” rhetoric is overwhelmingly used as a means to enforce colonial hierarchies where wealthy white people can maintain lives of access and privilege while poor BI&POC barely survive.

Instead of telling poor BI&POC to have less children or to stop wanting better lives, we should build a movement to fight climate change which centers racial justice, abolishes capitalism, and forces wealthy, predominately white populations to stop hoarding resources.

Here are some Earth Day facts for tomorrow so you don’t fall for the lies:

Just 100 companies are responsible for 71% of global emissions. (Source: the Guardian)

Black communities are exposed to 56% more pollution than is caused by their consumption. For Latinx communities, it is 63%. (Source: American Journal of Public Health)

97% of waste produced in the United States is corporate waste. 80% of businesses are owned & operated by white people. (Source: “The Story of Stuff” & US News)

Indigenous peoples make up less than 5% of the planet’s human population, yet they are protecting 80% of its biodiversity. (Source: National Geographic)

The world’s richest 10% produce half of carbon emissions while the poorest half contribute only 10%. (Source: Oxfam)

The world’s wealthiest 16% use 80% of the planet’s natural resources. (Source: CNN)

We are not all equally “responsible.” White settler colonialism and capitalism are destroying the planet, not poor BI&POC.

[she-is-ovarit]

By EDITH M. LEDERER Updated 9:11 PM PST, March 8, 2024 UNITED NATIONS (AP) — Legal equality for women could take centuries as the fight for gender equality is becoming an uphill struggle against widespread discrimination and gross human human rights abuses, the United Nations chief said on International Women’s Day. Secretary-General Antonio Guterres told a packed U.N. commemoration Friday that “a global backlash against women’s rights is threatening, and in some cases reversing, progress in developing and developed countries alike.” The most egregious example is in Afghanistan, he said, where the ruling Taliban have barred girls from education beyond sixth grade, from employment outside the home, and from most public spaces, including parks and hair salons. At the current rate of change, legal equality for women could take 300 years to achieve and so could ending child marriage, he said. Guterres pointed to “a persistent epidemic of gender-based violence,” a gender pay gap of at least 20%, and the underrepresentation of women in politics. He cited September’s annual gathering of world leaders at the U.N. General Assembly, where just 12% of the speakers were women. “And the global crises we face are hitting women and girls hardest — from poverty and hunger to climate disasters, war and terror,” the secretary-general said. In the past year, Guterres said, there have been testimonies of rape and trafficking in Sudan, and in Gaza women women and children account for a majority of the more than 30,000 Palestinians reported killed in the Israeli-Hamas conflict, according to the Gaza Ministry of Health. He cited a report Monday by the U.N. envoy focusing on sexual violence in conflict that concluded there are “reasonable grounds” to believe Hamas committed rape, “sexualized torture” and other cruel and inhumane treatment of women during its surprise attack in southern Israel on Oct. 7. He also pointed to reports of sexual violence against Palestinians detained by Israel. International Women’s Day grew out of labor movements in North America and across Europe at the turn of the 20th century and was officially recognized by the United Nations in 1977. This year’s theme is investing in women and girls to accelerate progress toward equality. Roza Otunbayeva, the head of the U.N. political mission in Afghanistan, told the Security Council on Wednesday that what is happening in that country “is precisely the opposite” of investing in women and girls. There is “a deliberate disinvestment that is both harsh and unsustainable,” she said, saying the Taliban’s crackdown on women and girls has caused “immense harm to mental and physical health, and livelihoods.” Recent detentions of women and girls for alleged violations of the Islamic dress code “were a further violation of human rights, and carry enormous stigma for women and girls,” she said. It has had “a chilling effect among the wider female population, many of whom are now afraid to move in public,” she said. Otunbayeva again called on the Taliban to reverse the restrictions, warning that the longer they remain, “the more damage will be done.” Sima Bahous, the head of UN Women, the agency promoting gender equality and women’s rights, told the commemoration that International Women’s Day “sees a world hobbled by confrontation, fragmentation, fear and most of all inequality.” “Poverty has a female face,” she said. “One in every 10 women in the world lives in extreme poverty.” Men not only dominate the halls of power but they “own $105 trillion more wealth than women,” she said. Bahous said well-resourced and powerful opponents of gender equality are pushing back against progress. The opposition is being fueled by anti-gender movements, foes of democracy, restricted civic space and “a breakdown of trust between people and state, and regressive policies and legislation,” she said. [Click on the link to continue reading]

[discursiverecursion]

Psst... Queer American fam...

A lot of us are in survival mode right now, and who knows how long that is going to last. An onslaught could begin the first day, or it could be relatively quiet until a storm breaks, so our background stress/anxiety levels are going to be high, and some of the effects of excess circulating cortisol include anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, headaches, digestive problems, and problems with memory and focus.

It’s normal to be struggling right now.

It means you’re human.

I know this sounds bad, but I’m restating a thing I think many people already know, because the thing is, a common tactic of the Right is to put people in a stressful situation and then blame them for their response to it (I’ve seen this referred to in other contexts as “reactive trauma”). As queer folks and people being targeted, we might think we are immune to this, but it works more insidiously than that. It can tear us apart, and it plays out like the following:

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

As violence towards our community escalates, they will start publically pointing at things “we are doing” that are “causing” the escalation. 

They will use this term “we”, because they don’t understand that we are not homogeneous.

Sometimes we ourselves, as individuals, will not be part of that “we”. 

It will be terrifying, in that moment, to have rights stripped away (or worse) without having any perceived control, and that lack of control will feel like it is due to the actions of another being blamed on you. 

DON’T FALL FOR IT THOUGH!

This is misdirection. They do not have to hurt us, even if we are loudly gay, even if we protest the ways they are hurting us already.

Please, please don’t let yourself get to a safe place and wonder why others aren’t hiding. You are allowed to keep yourself safe. In fact, I encourage it, but please remember that those of us fighting this thing publicly are not the enemy. We need your support and solidarity.

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

We are a big family with many different survival strategies:

We don't all have to utilize the same one

We don't have to stick with our original choice over time

We are not bound to only using one at a time

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m going to end this with a list of some survival strategies found in nature, because I'm definitely rambling and this was the thought I actually started typing this post with:

Do you recognize any of your own strategies in the list below?

Do you recognize any that are the opposite?

Can you hold that we are all in this together coping in our own ways, that we are not each others’ enemies?

Can you remember that "health" is a social construct, and that a strategy doesn't have to be the "best" one for it to be functional for the time being to keep someone alive?

I hope you can, because we will need each other to get through the coming years.

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------

STRATEGIES:

Becoming a spore (more info) - Shutting down completely for a bit - Sleeping more - Building mental walls

Playing dead (more info) - Retreating from social life  - Retreating from social media - Missing work

Camouflage (more info) - Going back in the closet - Codeswitching - Becoming extremely quiet

Mimicry of a more dangerous creature (more info) - Being argumentative/loud - Being assertive - Presenting even more queerly

Nocturnality (more info) - Nocturnality - Avoiding people - Staying in a social bubble

Distraction (more info) - Drag - Hacking - Certain forms of protest

Pursuit-Deterrent Signals (more info) - Making oneself needed - Feigning compliance - Presenting in “stealth” mode

Mobbing (more info) - Protests - Taking down websites - Coworker solidarity to create workspace change

Staying in the middle of a group (more info) - Being in community support networks - Going to therapy - Getting to know your neighbors

Sounding an alarm (more info) - Being loud on social media - Being loud in the workplace - Naming the quiet parts out loud

[conkreetmonkey]

Splatoon 3 is wild because imagine if you were living in Japan due to a recent economic and cultural boom, and suddenly a space shuttle with a mutant house-sized T-rex riding it suddenly burst from the center of Mt. Fuji and disappeared into space without explanation, and all you ever find out about what the fuck that was about is that Zuckerburg mysteriously disappeared the same day and was never seen again, but still "officially" ran Meta through an open secret Queen-Elizabeth-being-in-good-health gaslighting campaign, and everybody kind of suspected he may have been connected but never figured out anything conclusive.

Also the T-rex is now orbiting the earth in the fetal position like the guy from Jojo, and there are rumors of a substance that, if touched, turns you into a half-dinosaur monster. Nobody understands any of this but Meta employees just keep going to work and pretending Zuck still exists. The same 12 prerecorded voicelines constantly squak from the PA system.

Oddly, the statue in front of Meta HQ of a T-rex eating a human changes overnight into one of a giant human eating a tiny T-rex. Nobody noticed the switch, despite the statue being in a constantly bustling area. It happened shortly after the shuttle incident.

Jack Black's tiny clone, Lil' Jack, now wears a headset at all times and has been acting really shady since the incident. Also they're both hyperintelligent, immortal velociraptors found in an ancient cryogenic chamber who spend their days judging college football and eating the legally harvested flesh of hillbillies. Lil' Jack is probably plotting to kill Big Jack, but Big Jack doesn't seem to care, growing fat and lazy, sleeping on public benches in a bed of throw pillows. Also, he's very open about the fact that, as a velociraptor, humans look delicious, but he hasn't actually eaten anybody aside from the aforementioned hillbillies because he's civil.

Everyone is just expected to move on with their lives after this. This is normal to you.

The local art school was recently attacked by giant sea serpents, which were actually hideously bioengineered hillbillies, fulfilling a biblical doomsday prophecy, and they were driven back by Meta's army of minimum wage, part time child soldiers armed with warcrimey jury-rigged weaponry. The sea serpents had giant frying pans grafted into their mouths, which launched primitive tactical nukes made by filling garbage bags with their explosive blood. They still exist, and occasionally defend their comrades, but spend most of their time in the deep sea.

The local homeless emo twink everyone's attracted to is a closet millionaire who sells bootleg clothing in exchange for live rats, which he messily devours behind closed doors. He's also 8 feet tall and British and only has one eye.

North Korean refugees now flood the western world, after a greasy 14 year old hipster, under the guidance of Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, beat Kim Jong Un in a mech battle, and the EDM remix of the Japanese national anthem they performed caused like half the soldiers to immediately realize North Korea sucks ass and defect. One of these individuals, 7 foot tall hypergenius, becomes a newscaster alongside a nepo baby rapper with dwarfism who likes to eat entire jars of mayo, and also they're a popular band. Also also, they may or may not be gay. Almost the entire population is gay, so this isn't a huge deal.

The new local newscasters are a famous Japanese lion tamer, an Indian girl with a bloodline trait allowing her to control snakes, and a Brazillian man the size of a smart car who exclusively communicates via grunts.

Gods, souls and zombies are objectively real, and you're effectively immortal because real-life respawning was invented a while ago. It works like a Keurig, but with mucus instead of coffee. Submersion in water kills you.

A good deal of the population is a hivemind. They pretend to be individuals for no reason.

Almost all men are now femboys.

Despite all this, you still have to go to work at 9 tomorrow.

[watchingsunrises]

Ziam is real, climb on board

For the first time, we’re experiencing a genuine influx of people looking into Ziam, the real relationship between Zayn and Liam. And honestly it’s about time. It’s always been so beautiful and devoted and consistent and visible to those willing to invest and find out for themselves. It’s also been so unseen and dismissed and a bit buried by Larry too. I’m a Larry too, but right now I’m all about Ziam. I’m really happy Ziam is getting there deserved time seeing some light.

I’m not here to convince anyone. Ziam isn’t new, it has been around and discussed and real since 2012 when we believe their relationship started extending beyond friendship. There is an existing treasure trove that can be sought out by people willing to open their mind and examine it, especially from Zayn and Liam themselves. Right from the start and up until present day. 

The truth is we are experiencing a moment we weren’t expecting. First with Liam’s death. Now with Zayn touring for the first time ever as a solo artist. 

People are interested in Liam and that is a normal reaction. People are noticing a lot of things that don’t make sense and are curious and questioning that. People can’t make sense about his relationship with his “girlfriend”, the public PR performance at his funeral of a select group of celebrities (all aligned with Modest, Simon Jones PR or existing narratives regarding the boys) and of course the narrative around his “son” Bear.

Usually when things don’t make sense, there is a good reason, we know this with Larry too, and so in the same way people should look and critically engage. Gaps can’t always be filled when we are dealing with public media narratives that then clearly don’t align with who a person really is consistently as a human. It's pretty hard work for all involved to contain a decades plus closet, in times like this. That is a big part of what people are noticing with Liam. They should question public narratives and media. Liam wanted to be seen and heard for who he really was, and celebrating and talking about Ziam right now is one of the biggest parts of seeing and knowing Liam. Its not disrespectful if you've done the work to see and know, just like with Larry.

Now we also finally have Zayn touring for the first time ever as a solo artist. Seeing him on stage after a 10 year wait is kind of exhilarating and like any of the boys you get a reminder on stage of who the person really is, really leaning in and hearing the lyrics live and seeing his being. Zayn is very definitely coding to us in a way that he hasn’t been able to do so before. He knew we would be looking and he wants to be seen. He is literally telling us that he is honest and truthful in his music. Zayn’s public narrative has never made sense either, it's all the same closeting stuff. Copy of a copy of a copy.

The narrative set up for Room Under the Stairs was actually quite strange, and in reality it translates very poorly to the lyrics and the emotions. So many gaps and things that don't make sense. In the future I will share some analysis on RUTS. I’ve been immersed in the album non-stop since May. The album to me is mostly about his closet - the pain it has caused him, the effect it has had on his relationship, the pain and effect it has had on his long term partner, the ways in which he has had to reframe his mindset to live within the reality of his closet, the ways he has changed his lifestyle to focus on the simple things in life to help his mental health impacted by his closet (and other things). Yet throughout all that heartbreaking pain, he still talks about his person, his lover, he refers to 'they' in many key lyrics, he brings his partner into the lyrics clearly, lyrics that clearly refer back to past and present times. Its the same person, it always has been in Zayn's lyrics. He tells them and us that he wouldn’t change anything despite all that pain, that their love has been worth it, that he is devoted, that their love was like stardust from the start until forever. The most specific songs relating to his person haven't been included on the tour setlist - How it Feels, The Time, False Starts, Grateful, Something in the Water and of course Stardust. They are the strongest songs on the album, the ones that have made me cry non-stop for the last 6 months. I suspect he rearranged the setlist, they would have been too hard to sing live. Instead we see a few B sides we wouldn't have expected on tour. I hope more people will listen to RUTS, it's absolutely devastating, empowering and life affirming and you can really see and feel who Zayn is.

Enjoy your Ziam journey if you decide to take it.

[srbachchan]

DAY 5992

Jalsa, Mumbai July 14/July 15, 2024 Sun/Mon 4:05 am

🪔 ,

July 14 .. birthday greetings to : Ef Shalini from Allahabad (now Prayagraj) .. Ef Manish Mehrotra .. and Ef Anupam Srivastava .. 🙏🏻❤️🚩

It is late .. but not without reason or cause .. spending time with loved ones at the Gate and then at home with family .. ever such a joy to a whole bunch of relatives busy interacting, running around the premises and simply enjoying the little pleasures of togetherness ..

And GOJ .. that has been an experience each Sunday .. the ramp on wheels I asked to move closer to the well wishers .. and the mobility towards them is an excitement always .. you hear them better , you feel the expressive love better , you give those a chance to see and be greeted that at times stand at a distance and never seen ..

So the ramp has added the mobility much needed .. personal and public meets are restricted .. but some of the inevitable are complied with ..

... and the joy expressed in their eyes and faces remains with you for days .. despite the much opinionated fear often felt of appearing at the GOJ to meet them ..

At times the personal contact in the days after covid has been there but distant and this has been a point of immense disappointment with those that express a wish to meet ..

BUT .. dearest ones , give me time to get clearances fro the Medical Unit and I shall be able .. soon , if not too far ..

The years of yore ;

and the reel in the making :

There has been a suggestion to read a script given for production .. and one that relied on nthe values of theosophy and the occult ..

A most fascinating read in a precise rendering, but influential enough to set a vacant mind into a thought process, that keeps a consistent 'knock on the door' to turn away and change path for its search .. the search of humanity in the realisation of its birth and thereafter .. Dear O dear there is so much to learn and imbibe .. and time slips away as rapidly as it possibly can .. to hold it and refrain it from immediate travel ahead is well nigh impossible .. the movements of the Earth can never .. so we live a life of unanswered questions and beliefs and the presence of religion and more ..

A most fascinating subject .. and in many ways getting inspired by a movie !!!

AND the film, has many significant stories, hidden or brought about in a form KALKI 2898 AD .. which I must admit has been instrumental in its viewing 4 times .. at the iMax theatre .. which has the capacity of a perfect imagery on screen along with a quality of sound that seems to have been installed after considerable understanding and layout ..

SO back to the GOJ : and the giving out in equal distribution, umbrellas, to them that have stood there for some, bearing the heat and cold and the thunder and lightening of monsoon rain .. the umbrella, a gift from that very sincere well wisher Sunil Shah, from Surat Gujarat , who just does not attempt to stay calm and controlled , but instead continues to send these gifts as a token of his sincerity and love ..

I applaud the gestures he has made all these years .. his affection and love over brimming and so potent .. it just does not behove a telling off for him .. his mode of affection does not change ..

I am honoured and humbled by these intricate gestures, of love .. but really, they are a bit distressing and unreasonable for me in my countenance ..

I speak to him on this often , but he is adamant on his affection and just cannot stop these gestures 'in multiples'

I talk to him to be in control and not cause or give an unnecessary reason of disrespect .. but he just continues ..

So I accept .. and distribute them to the needy that spend their valuable time on a Sunday for the GOJ .. healthy and in all sincerity a show of immense affection !!

AND now for the Sunday and days .. :

... and the creative autograph hunters , their immense love to be in a photograph , but there are restrictions on health .. so we bear the loss of the occasion , walk away and sit and reminisce ...

Amitabh Bachchan

[silantryoo]

seol yoona (sullyoon) x nmixx!reader (angst)

WARNINGS ; overworking, jinni's departure, mental health issues, panic attacks, cyberbullying, fwb (just kissing dw)

choi yunjin was seol yoona's soulmate.

anyone could see it from a mile away. to the singer, yunjin was the only person that truly reached deep down inside of her. every little thing she did, yoona cared enough to notice. a new set of clothes, a new pair of shoes, a different coffee order.

she was yoona's muse, and nothing could change that.

yunjin was the exact opposite of yoona. the dancer had a firey passion, and an energy that attracted people to her. she was magnetic, she was the light shining in the night, the beacon of hope that yoona so desperately longed for. she was everything that the young idol desired.

like a moth to a flame, yoona couldn't escape choi yunjin's grasp, and she wouldn't have had it any other way.

you had been a trainee for a while, and although you were the same age as haewon, you had been in the company as long as lily had been. you had seen people come and go. you saw the best of the best, the most beautiful, and the most talented, but there was no one that compare to seol yoona.

yoona had joined the many trainees at the beginning of 2020, nearing the five-year mark of your training.

you didn't take notice of the girl at first. your brain felt like mush, and during certain days (or months), it was almost hard to function as a human person.

you were ground to the bone, and thinking - noticing - had become a chore.

it wasn't a surprise that you were exhausted. having trained since the age of twelve was taking a toll on you, mentally, physically, and socially. you never had a sense of true friendships aside from lily and yunjin, too afraid to make a meaningful connection. you were too busy to make friends at school, and although trainees tend to stay long in JYP, there was always a chance that any one of you could get booted.

you had been burnt to the ground, no longer wanting to live watching people around you have meaningful lives while you were stuck indoors overexerting your body in ways that a seventeen-year-old shouldn't have to in order to achieve a dream that only ridiculed you for every single thing you did.

you were tired. you were so fucking tired.

"that new trainee." yunjin spoke out to you in the dim practice room, back on the floor as she stared at the ceiling. you could see the sweat glistening against her forehead. "she's pretty."

you squinted your eyes, trying to remember who your friend was talking about.

"which one?" you hummed, using a towel to wipe the back of your neck. "we got six this month, and they're all pretty."

yunjin turned, her arm hitting the side of lily's bottle, causing it to flop over with a soft thud. "the one that looks like she's gonna cry every time."

lily whined as she grabbed her bottle from the ground.

"that could be anyone, jin."

yunjin groaned, her head going limp, her cheek smashing against the ground.

you sat on the couch, each muscle in your body aching for a bit of rest. you watched as lily gathered her things up, looking around as she thought.

"wait." lily paused. you lolled your head towards her. "yoona?"

you watched as yunjin's teeth peeked through her tired mouth.

"yeah." the younger trainee nodded, lily making her way to the couch with her bag. "yoona."

you felt a dip next to you. "who?"

"the tall one." lily quietly explained, her head falling onto your arm. "she's rooming with jiwoo and haewon. she's really nice."

you wracked around in your brain, trying to figure out who was roomed with haewon. there was jiwoo, the young, energetic girl who you were sure the public was going to love. there was also jinsol, the funniest person in the world. that left...

"the one that keeps staring at jin?" you asked, earning a snicker from lily.

yunjin rolled her eyes. "you're just jealous i'm just better than you."

"please." you scoffed, watching as her eyes twinkled playfully. "i've got main dancer written all over me."

yunjin pouted, something that you and lily had become familiar with since the beginning of your training period. it was a sign that she couldn't say anything more because she had nothing left to say.

(especially since you have always ranked first place in dance evaluations, even when a young dancer named kyujin joined two years ago.)

lily laughed, her head wracking against your shoulder as you exhaled sharply.

"that's not fair!" yunjin complained. "you trained longer than me!"

you rolled your eyes. "by six months."

"lily-unnie!" yunjin continued to whine, trying to find someone to defend her. "she's being annoying."

you looked over to lily, the australian smiling mischievously. "she's got a point, y/nnie."

you shook your head. lily couldn't help but take the youngest side no matter what. you couldn't blame her, yunjin was like a younger sister to the both of you.

"you guys suck."

yunjin stuck her tongue out, and if you had any energy left, you would've too, but the ten-hour training day was starting to affect you. you needed some rest, some food, anything to keep you from crashing horribly.

"let's go get food?" lily suggested.

you nodded, standing up as you walked over to yunjin.

("lift me up." "can you give me a second?" "lift me up.")

you were glad you lived in south korea, where food vendors sold cheap, delicious food at two in the morning.

if you asked yoona what she was scared of in late 2020, she would tell you two things; choi yunjin and group evaluations.

"yoona, you're with y/n and yunjin. sound good?"

suffice it to say, yoona was terrified.

she walked over to the two of you, slightly shivering at the thought of being so close to yunjin, and to a degree, you.

she had known about yunjin, and she had always been intimidated by her. looking at her hurt yoona's eyes, like staring into the sun, a star oh-so bright, a firey ball of pure talent and skill. her voice made yoona's heart nearly burst out of her chest, and her smile...

yoona didn't know if she wanted to see it or avoid it.

you, on the other hand, were the opposite. just like your seniors, TWICE's momo and ITZY's yeji, many trainees had called you 'JYP's Ice Princess. though you were much more introverted than yunjin, you were still friendly to those who needed your help. you were a mystery to yoona, your cold eyes that scanned for any mistakes, your sharp gaze that monitored for any error.

yoona was terrified of you.

haewon had given her as much reassurance as she could've. she ensured that you were no one to be terrified of, and that if anything, if she could become friends with haewon, she could become friends with a 'nerd like y/n'.

yoona flinched as your eyes met hers.

yunjin was right, you thought, scanning the girl up and down, she is pretty. like a butterfly.

yunjin stood up, ushering you to stand along with her. you followed the younger girl, bowing slightly when she did.

"hi. i'm choi yunjin. this is l/n y/n." she introduced, a smile bright on her face. "i don't think we've met properly."

the girl in front of you bowed, her eyes looking everywhere but the two of you. "i'm seol yoona."

"nice to meet you, seol yoona." yunjin grimaced, watching the taller girl flinch. "don't be too scared of her. her face is just like that."

yoona held her breath, the rumors about your fierce nature invading her brain.

you rolled your eyes. of course you were yunjin's sacrificial goat. "you're the worst."

she stuck her tongue out, and you flicked it as hard as you could.

she yelped, covering her mouth as she whined a muffled, "i'm telling lily-unnie!"

"oh no!" you teased, your eyes twinkling as you looked briefly at yoona. "what will i do?"

yunjin whined, complaining to the new addition of your group about your 'bullying'. you rolled your eyes, noticing the lingering feeling in the air as yoona stared at the girl beside you.

even when longing for someone, yoona looked pretty.

the lineup of jyp's unnamed girl group was finalized in january 2021. it consists of eight girls; lily marrow, oh haewon, l/n y/n, seol yoona, choi yunjin, bae jinsol, kim jiwoo, and jang kyujin. contracts had been signed the first week of the year, and there was nothing left to do as a trainee.

except, of course, to prepare for debut.

you and yunjin complained to lily, hating the fact that despite the years of hard work, you had to continue, pushing yourselves even harder (if you even could).

though you protested, you couldn't argue that there were definitely positives.

you felt like you were no longer suffering through the training by yourself. your work ethic matched haewon's, and you found yourself warming up slowly to the other girls, specifically kyujin who you couldn't help but baby.

life was harder than ever, but it felt as if it was starting to look up.

the eight of you sat together, in the practice room after a long twelve-hour day of non-stop dancing and singing. jinsol had brought up the topic of positions, stating that lily would be the main vocal, which spiraled into an in-depth discussion.

you sat cross-legged, kyujin on your lap as you played with her hair. to your left haewon lay on her stomach, head propped up by her hands.

lily furrowed her eyebrows, staring at the ceiling as she thought. "i think-"

"that's not good." you chuckled, earning a giggle from the other girls.

lily whined, "y/n-ah!"

"unnie, when you think, something explodes." you explained, remembering that about a year ago in the artist's lounge. lily had microwaved a metal container that started sparking, causing the fire detector to beep during twice's live.

"the microwave didn't explode, okay?" lily explained, yunjin shaking her head.

haewon pointed to you. "she's right, unnie."

lily pouted, suddenly understanding why you had been so grumpy for so long.

"where were we?" kyujin asked, adjusting herself to that her cheek squished against your lap and her legs were on top of jiwoo's back.

jiwoo pushed the youngest legs off, twirling her pen as she glared at the girl. "we just need the positions for jinsol-unnie and yoona-unnie."

you looked at the girl in front of you, her soft doe eyes looking straight at yunjin. you knew that look anywhere. it was the look that yeji had given ryujin back when you were all trainees.

you didn't know why it burned so badly in your chest, but you couldn't tear your eyes away. yoona looked so beautiful, longing for someone she couldn't have.

"yoona should be the visual." yunjin announced, your eyes never leaving yoona's.

the girl's face burned bright red as the others turned to her, waiting for a reaction.

"i don't know..."

"you're pretty as fu-" haewon slapped the younger girl's shoulder. "i've been in this industry long enough-"

"wow." you scoffed jokingly, ignoring the suffocating feeling that was starting to consume you. "you're using your power to rig the lineup? wo-ow!"

"yunjin," haewon scolded, slightly annoyed but playful regardless. "don't hit your elders."

yunjin lips jutted out, and you watched as yoona briefly - painfully - looked at them. "she's not an elder, she's just old."

you looked away, yunjin smiling at you brightly as lily shook her head.

"i'll bite you, choi yunjin."

the younger girl stuck her tongue out.

"so," jiwoo cleared her throat, trying to get back on track before your break finished. "yoona-unnie would be visual?"

the girls hummed in agreement, watching as jiwoo started writing. you gaze made it's way back to yoona's, a rehearsed smile plastered onto her face as if she was just nodding along to whatever yunjin said. you couldn't blame her. yunjin had a way of persuading people, her bright personality made her hard to disappoint.

still, you could tell that something was wrong, and that was enough for you to take action.

"what if we just didn't?" you spoke, voice stern as your eyes trained on the paper in front of jiwoo ('sul seol yoona - visual'). the room became quiet, and you looked around to find seven pairs of eyes staring at you. "what? we'd be one of the only groups to not have an official visual. plus, yoona isn't only pretty. she's a good singer."

yoona was terrified of you, you were ice cold. never talking unless necessary, always assertive, always knowing what you wanted.

"are you an alien?"

but perhaps she had given in to the rumors too soon. perhaps you weren't ice cold, like the winters she had experienced since childhood, but the cool, comforting breeze of the spring.

"what?"

"unnie!" jinsol squealed, her heart on her chest. "my heart is fluttering and i'm not even yoona."

"what?" you looked around, confused. lily watched as you looked at everyone except yoona. "what did i do?"

the oldest of the group smiled, observing how your face turned a bright red.

the cool air blew through the windows of the practice room, the birds chirping in the distance. the snow had fully melted everywhere in seoul, and there was nothing in the sky but the bright sun. everything was at peace, but with each passing day, each girl felt the pressure of the debut.

truth be told, it was starting to get to you. if you were lucky, you'd sleep three hours, eating two meals a day from the local convenient store. your body ached, and some days, you'd wake up crying from the pain in your knees due to overuse.

but you held it together. you, haewon, and lily. you powered through it as best as you could, and supported the other girls when they couldn't.

"unnie." yoona muttered, the two of you taking a break from working on the footwork of the unreleased title track.

you smiled, the sound of the younger girl's voice never failing to make your heart race. there was something so enticing about her, and you could never get enough of it.

"yoona." you hummed back.

"can i..." she hesitated, her cheeks turning a bright red. "can i talk to you?"

you turned to the girl, a familiar emotion swirling in her eyes. worry, fear. you knew that well - better than anyone, in fact.

you nodded, making your way next to the open window beside her. your arm grazed against the young idol's, and the spring breeze blew blowing against her back. she shivered, a chill running up and down her spine.

"i'm worried about the debut." yoona muttered. "what if they don't like me?"

nodding, you scanned her features. her eyes - golden brown against the sunlight, like a monarch on its favorite flower - trained to the ground.

no one could hate seol yoona, especially not you.

"they'll like you," you stated.

yoona shook her head. "you never know."

"i do know." you smiled at the girl - cool and calm, and unlike with yunjin, her heart nearly stopped. "you got me to like you."

"you didn't like me before?" yoona asked,

"i didn't know you before." but you were glad to now, not that you'd ever say that to her (at least, not yet). "but i liked you as soon as i met you."

"oh." yoona smiled, closing her eyes as she felt the wind run through her hair. "do you think they'll like us?"

"yeah." you followed the younger girl, closing your eyes and letting the air engulf you. "i think they'll love us."

you were sure of it.

nmixx.

an experimental girl group under JYP that takes music from two completely different genres and mixes the two together. they debuted, sending the industry in shock in february of 2022.

you were wrong. they hated you.

you were rattled. though berated for every single thing since the age of twelve - height, weight, skin, voice, tone, style - there was nothing that could compare you to the battlezone of the public. hidden behind the bright screens were people who hated you, people who wanted you gone.

you'd never show it, but slowly, you were starting to agree with them.

yunjin, jiwoo, and jinsol were the ones who had it the worst. the public had no mercy, wanting the three out of the group for the simplest things. some had even found yunjin's home address, sending threatening messages about how she was 'stealing the spotlight' from the rest of the girls.

how had it only been three months? how had it gotten this bad?

you tossed, listening to the soft snores of your roommate, lily. the door creaked open, revealing a dimly lit idol, tears running down her face.

"jin?" you called out.

"unnie." her voice was tired, no longer the bright, bubbly girl that you once knew. "can i stay with you and lily-unnie for tonight?"

"okay."

you held her, hushing her as she sobbed into your neck.

it has to get better. it has to.

it got worse.

you had hope when your newest single, 'dice' came out. it was different, much better than your debut track. you had hope.

you worked harder, your joints hurting with every breath you took. you ate less, only things deemed 'healthy', watching your figure. and you sang. you sang until your voice was hoarse, until your throat felt like sandpaper. you hoped that they could see how hard you worked, how you sacrificed your body - your life - for them.

hope was nothing in the judging eyes of the public.

it wasn't uncommon to hear crying in the many practice rooms of the JYP building. trainees around the world, ones that would kill to achieve what you've achieved, needed a place of solace.

the voice, however, was far too familiar to dismiss.

"yoona? is that you?" worry tingled in your palms as you gripped the doorknob. "can i come in?"

"i can't-" yoona stuggled, gasping for air. "-breathe."

you rushed it, closing the door behind you to find yoona sitting on the ground. her hands in her tearful face, sobbing as she wheezed for air.

you knew this. the burning sensation of your lungs, the feeling of heat spreading across your body. the fear of imploding, of everything and nothing all at once.

"too much." the girl cried out. "i can't-"

you nodded, reaching out to her as you offered your hand. "can i have your hand?"

yoona whined, barely comprehending the words as you grabbed her hand. cold. your hands were cold.

slowly, you placed her palm on the ground.

cold. everything was cold.

"you feel the floor right?" you whispered in a tone that she's never heard before. it was inviting, soothing like ice cream on a hot summer day. "it's cold. my hand. it's cold too, right?"

yoona shook her head and looked up. "unnie, i-"

you pulled your hand away, and she needed it back on hers.

"my hand." you placed it gently on her cheek, and she basked in the feeling. "is it cold?"

yes. yoona thought. it's perfect.

yoona nodded, the pieces of her brain slowly coming back. "i'm cold."

"cold is good." you whispered, wiping her tears away with one hand. "it means you're calm. it means you're okay."

i'm calm. i'm okay.

"thank you."

you grinned, pulling away once more as the girl wiped her tears. she was embarrassed, the two of you were never really close. but you were comforting. you were cold.

"do you wanna talk?" you asked her.

yoona shook her head, chuckling awkwardly. "i don't want to bother you."

"you'd never bother me." it was a truth that you never intended on breaking. "ever."

yoona nodded, your worried eyes meeting hers as the ac blasted above the two of you.

"i'm sorry."

yoona was pretty even when she cried.

"don't be."

it kept getting worse.

yunjin's parents never believed in mental health. they were the type to think that only privileged people had the right to suffer through something so... unnecessary.

but yunjin was losing hair. she was losing weight, and she wasn't sleeping unless she cried until her tears ran dry. you and lily took turns taking care of the younger girl, but she was the scapegoat. there was nothing you could do (especially since you were facing the exact same thing as she was).

yunjin's parents agreed for her to go on medication, sending her to the best therapists they could find.

it wasn't enough.

"i can't keep doing this." yunjin whispered to you one night while the rest of the girls were out on a grocery run.

you turned your head to her, furrowing your eyebrows. your eyes tore away from the tv. "what do you mean?"

you were hearing things. you had to be.

"unnie."

yunjin was tired, just like you.

her joints ached, her knee was giving out whenever she walked. she slept for two hours maximum and she was eating food that was barely enough for a six-year-old.

she couldn't keep doing this.

"choi yunjin!" you shouted. "what the fuck do you mean?"

"unnie. i can't."

you looked at her.

"i'm tired."

you looked away, trying not to cry. only twice have you cried in front of choi yunjin, and you refused to make it a third.

"what about me and lily-unnie?"

"i know." yunjin's head hung low. "i'm sorry."

"you worked so hard. you're just gonna throw that away?" you stood up, burning with a rage that you've kept in for so long.

you hated her at that moment. you hated how selfish she was, able to leave everything behind to prioritize herself, even you. you hated what she was able to do, how brave and how strong she was to leave.

you hated how you weren't her.

"what about yoona?" you asked, voice low.

"yoona?" yunjin looked confused, and you never wanted to yell at someone so much for being dense. "what about yoona?"

"don't you care about her?!" you screamed, yunjin flinching. "she-"

she likes you. she likes your smile, she like your eyes. she likes you, and not me.

choi yunjin was brave, passionate, and bright. you were nothing like her.

"how could you do that to her?" you whispered.

how could you do this to me? how could you leave us? how could you?

"i need to do this for myself, unnie." yunjin continued, tears running down her eyes as she began to beg. "you have to understand. please, i can't leave when you're angry at me."

you looked at her. she was tired. she was so so tired.

"yunjin."

"please, unnie." the younger girl sobbed, and it felt as if you were back at her first evaluation. "i can't even sleep anymore... please."

("i don't want to do this anymore, unnie! i'm tired!")

"you understand, right?" yunjin begged. you couldn't be angry at her. she'd never forgive herself. "please understand."

slowly, you sat down beside her. her tears fell down onto the couch below.

"is this what you want?"

yunjin went quiet.

"i can't keep living like this."

"okay." you nodded, wiping a stray tear on her chin. it hurt. letting go of yunjin felt like you were losing a part of you. "are you going to re-debut?"

"maybe." yunjin sniffled, pouting. you forced back a smile. you were glad she hadn't changed, it would've broken your heart even more. "i didn't want it to be like this. i wanted-"

"i know." you nodded once more, biting back any feelings that might show themselves. "will it make you happy?"

yunjin nodded. "yes."

"okay." you bit the inside of your cheek. "okay."

you sighed, opening your arms as she sobbed into your shoulder. you understood, and that was enough for yunjin.

"i'm not mad at you." you said, yunjin sobbing harder.

you did what i couldn't.

the news aired when the girls were asleep.

you and lily had snuck out the night of the mama awards to say one last goodbye to yunjin. lily smiled through her tears, and you didn't shed a single one.

lily was worried.

the two of you got home at four in the morning. the world was quiet. it hurt your ears, and you made your way to bed without talking to lily beside you. it took you awhile to sleep, your body expecting the younger girl to burst through the door, tears in her eyes.

you knew yunjin wasn't coming home, it just took four hours for your body to catch up.

you woke up an hour later to lily's voice outside the door and yoona barging into your room.

"where's yunjin?" yoona asked through tears.

you sat up, not a single expression on your face. she's home, safe, happy. "she left."

"no, she didn't." yoona sobbed. "where's yunjin, unnie?"

you closed your eyes, hating that you had to repeat it once more. "she left, yoona."

she stared at you, biting her lip as she tried not to cry. lily frowned as your eyes softened at the sight of the younger girl.

"only me and lily-unnie knew." you swallowed, watching her storm out of your room. "i'm sorry."

even when she was angry, seol yoona looked as pretty as the day you saw her.

lily was worried about you.

like the other girls, you were mourning the loss of yunjin. she can see the way your eyes dulled whenever you heard her voice, or the angry expression whenever the head of div3 suggested rerecording her lines. she could tell by the way you weren't eating, and the way that the collection of your unfinished water bottles was starting to amass under your bed.

she could also see that you longed for someone, someone that wasn't yunjin.

(and it would be a disaster. she knew it.)

she was right, and it started a week after the new year, the heater blowing in the kitchen as the stove sent heat waves across the room.

"unnie." yoona whispered, feeling guilty.

"hey." you smiled. she was finally talking to you. "you okay?"

"i'm sorry."

"it's okay." you shrugged, stirring the kimchi soup in front of you. "i get it. i was upset when i found out too."

yoona hummed, watching your eyes closely. against the cool-toned light, it was a light brown, almost hazel. it was pretty.

"is she happy?" yoona asked. "yunjin, i mean."

"yeah." you nodded, ignoring the pain in your chest. it never got easier talking about her. you moved the pot to a different burner, and turned off the stove. "she's doing well. a new company got her."

"that's good." she said, watching as you washed your hands with cold water and soap.

yoona turned off the heater, the room too hot for her to think.

quietly, she crept up behind you, resting her head on your shoulder.

"yoona?" you muttered, eyes wide.

"unnie," she whispered. "you don't like me, right?"

you looked at the doe eyed girl. "like romantically?"

yoona nodded, moving in closer. you could feel her warm breath against your lips.

every fiber in your body wanted to tell the younger girl. you wanted to tell her the truth, but it was something you'd been avoiding yourself.

"no." you couldn't. not when she was in your reach. "no, i don't."

"okay."

she closed the gap between you two, and for the first time in weeks, she felt closer to yunjin.

you weren't stupid. you knew what yoona was doing.

for the past month, the two of you have been sneaking around, stealing fleeting kisses in hopes to mend what was broken. at night, she would sneak into your room, and your three hours of sleep would get reduced to one at most. you'd 'wake up' with bruised lips, and a suspicious burn from yesterday's 'curling iron'.

you were a distraction, a replacement.

you weren't stupid. you were hoping it wasn't true.

"hey, unnie." yoona snuck in again, the familiar sounds of lily snoring entering her senses.

"yoona." you sat up, watching as she shut the door. "hey."

yoona made her way towards you, the air of the fan blowing wind in her face.

"i missed you." you whispered quietly, kissing her as if you were a soldier going off to war.

her cheeks turned bright red. "i missed you too."

"how was your day?" you moved up, letting the younger girl sit on your lap as you stoked her hair.

"i was with you the entire day." yoona giggled. she loved feeling your cold finger running through her scalp. she felt loved.

you pulled back. "i still wanna know how you're doing."

you looked at yoona's eyes.

oh.

"i'm fine."

"yoona..." you swallowed. you knew what was going to happen. your worst fears were going to come true. "you can talk to me."

"can i sleep here tonight?" yoona's voice was little, like the day you first met her.

you nodded, pulling her into your arms. "what's wrong?"

yoona's body began to wrack, and your shoulder slowly became wet.

"i miss yunjin."

you'd never be yunjin.

"i do too." you nodded.

"unnie," yoona sobbed harder, "it hurts."

she was right. it hurt everywhere. in your joints, in your muscles, in your brain, in your heart.

"i know, baby." you blinked the tears away. "it'll get better."

"i miss her so much." you felt yoona adjust her head, crying into your neck, "unnie, i love her."

you swallowed. now wasn't the time to cry,

"i know." you rubbed her back. "just cry it out, baby."

she fell asleep ten minutes later, and lily woke up to you sobbing next to yoona.

you wondered if butterflies, though beautiful, could be poisonous.

you have heard stories of animals trying to eat them, and though you lacked knowledge about the topic, you couldn't help but wonder. it would make sense if they did. something so beautiful must have some downsides.

perhaps the butterfly had made other animals sick to the stomach instead. animals could no longer eat or sleep due to the butterfly and perhaps, that is what leads to their death.

you wondered when you were going to die from this.

"you can't keep doing this to yourself."

doing what exactly? the girls knew. everyone knew except for yoona. shin yuna, an old friend of yours, had even offered to grab lunch with you just so you could eat something.

but yoona was crying in the practice room again, and you couldn't leave her there.

"i don't know what you're talking about, haewon."

"you do." haewon sighed, the lines between her eyebrows evident. she was glad most of the girls had gone out. kyujin looked between the both of you, slightly flustered. "lily-unnie is getting worried. she said you aren't talking to her anymore."

"i'm fine." you muttered, trying to see the tv. "leave me alone."

"you aren't fine." haewon grabbed the remote, hastily turning it off. "stop pretending you are."

you stood up, looking your leader in the eye with an icy glare. "i'm fine."

haewon scoffed. you didn't terrify her. you were just hurt, and she was tired of everyone trying to gently usher you to open up.

"why are you letting yoona hurt you like that, huh?" haewon squinted, the pain in your eyes shining through.

"shut up."

"are you upset yunjin is gone?" haewon continued, a finger on your chest as she pushed you back on the couch. "or are you avoiding it?"

kyujin stood up, palms clammy at the sight of the two of you fighting. "haewon-unnie, stop."

"no." haewon said sternly. "y/n. you need to tell me or i swear to god-"

"unnie-"

"she's being selfish, kyujin! it's affecting the group." she turned to you. "our group."

"you've got it fucking wrong."

kyujin chuckled slightly, trying to pull the leader away before the two of you started brawling in the living room.

"then tell me!" haewon yelled, her glare matching yours. "tell me why you're messing up choreo. tell me why your voice is cracking during recordings. are you upset? are you hurt?"

"unnie, please."

haewon shook kyujin's arm off. "what the fuck is it?!"

"i'm in love with yoona." you scoffed, tears in your eyes. "okay? are you fucking happy?"

you watched as haewon looked away, while kyujin refused to tear her eyes away from you.

"i'm in love with yoona, and she's in love with yunjin, and i can't even process her leaving because i have to comfort yoona who cries about her all the damn time."

"y/n-"

"and i'm tired!" you yelled, laughing as streams of tears finally poured down your face. "my body is always fucking sore! i can't breathe on stage because it reminds me of yunjin, and i can't fucking sleep because i'm too busy trying to be quiet so yoona doesn't hear my cry myself to sleep because she'll never love me!"

haewon stared at you as you continued to laugh, burying your face in your hands.

"unnie." kyujin whispered softly, sitting next to you.

"i'm sorry." you didn't know who you were apologizing to. maybe it was the girls, maybe it was yunjin, maybe yoona. "i'm... so sorry."

"unnie..."

"i'm trying." you looked up at haewon, eyes teary. "i'm just... so tired."

she understood, and all you needed was someone to understand.

"sleep in my room tonight." haewon looked away, wiping the stray tears in her eyes. "that's a leader's demand."

"i don't want to." you shook your head. yoona would need you tonight, to hold her together.

haewon glared at you.

"fine."

the leader smiled.

"can i come?" kyujin asked, pouting her lips slightly.

later that night, you slept in between the two. haewon nearly smothered you in your sleep while kyujin snored so loud that you nearly burst an eardrum.

you haven't slept that well since you were a trainee.

you've been sleeping beside haewon and kyujin for two weeks straight, and today was the first time you entered your shared room with lily.

"are you okay?"

you looked at her.

"i know about yoona" she sat next to you as you packed your stuff on the floor. "i'm your roommate. you think i don't hear you crying after she falls asleep?"

you swallowed your tears and embarrassment back. "sorry."

the room went silent, and lily could help but feel disappointed in herself. you were like a little sister to her, and she should've gone to you the moment she knew something was wrong. she had been too focused on yunjin to find time for you.

"it probably hurts, huh?" you felt lily rub your back, and you tried to blink your tears away.

you nodded, sniffling as you continued to pack.

lily was the older sister you had always wished for. she was the type to try to cook for you, but end up with a batch of burnt pancakes on the firey stove. her voice was a familiar soothing that could break down your walls.

but being the only child, you had the facade of independence. you could take care of yourself, but only physically. yunjin needed the two of you more than you needed lily.

still, you were like lily's younger sister.

she sighed, watching tears fall down your face. it was the first time in five years that she's seen you cry.

"have haewon and kyujin been helping?"

you nodded again. "yes."

tears started flowing faster, and all you wanted was to cry. you hung your head low, not wanting someone you cared about to see you in a state like this.

"i'm sorry you thought you couldn't go to me." lily moved her head lower, trying to look you in the eye. "but as long as you had someone, i'm okay."

you looked at her. "you're not mad?"

"why would i be mad?" her heart broke at the sight of you.

you thought of many things that she could be mad at you for; for falling in love with a girl, for falling in love with a member, etc. but the worst one was definitely your feelings about yunjin.

in a small voice you whispered, "i'm upset because of yunjin."

"no. of course i'm not mad." lily smiled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. your words tore threw her. "did you think i'd be mad? is that why you didn't go to me?"

you nodded, eyes meeting lily's.

the older girl smiled through her tears. "i'm sorry."

"it's okay."

"it's not." lily frowned. "i'm your unnie."

"unnie," you laughed, nearly choking on your spit. "you're barely a year older."

"still." lily hugged you, and the barrier broke. with haewon and kyujin, you were holding back, but this time it was different. "why can't you just leave it all for me, huh?"

"it's okay." lily rubbed your back, tears falling as you struggled to breath. "don't cry."

cold. you needed the cold.

"lily-unnie." you whined.

"i know."

she turned on the fan beside her.

haewon kept telling you that it was a good thing that you were gaining weight.

your cheeks were fuller than they had ever been (jinsol and jiwoo were ecstatic), and though your figure wasn't as lean as it used to be, you were no longer severely underweight.

"you've been hanging out with haewon a lot." yoona muttered as the two of you got changed to go home.

haewon had basically kicked jinsol out and made her switch with kyujin so it would be more convenient for the three of you to have 'growing time' or whatever she called it during that one live.

you've been over in their dorm for almost a month straight, and you hadn't 'seen' yoona since then.

you nodded. "i have."

"i never see you anymore." yoona pouted, and you never wanted to kiss her more. "i miss you."

you couldn't. yoona was beautiful, but she was deadly.

"i miss you too." you said dully.

yoona blinked, watching as you turned away from her. it was as if she had gotten impaled by a sharp rod straight through her chest.

"unnie." worry burnt up inside her. "did i do something?"

"no, of course not." you told her in a monotone voice as you took off your shirt. it was like lava being poured into her ears. "you did nothing wrong, yoona."

you felt distant, like she was on the sun and you were back on earth. hot tears poured from her eyes as her body nearly imploded.

she hated the heat.

you turned around to find yoona staring at you, tears pouring onto her newly changed shirt.

"why are you crying?" you rushed to her, wiping her eyes, still without a top.

she closed her eyes, feeling your cold hands against her face.

"you never call me yoona." she blubbered. she was losing you, and if losing yunjin broke her, losing you would make it irreparable.

you frowned, kissing her soundly as if it was the only thing to stop her tears from falling.

yoona gripped your back, searching for anything that was cold. the skin on your back, soft like the clouds blowing across the field, and the dip of your neck, smooth like the wind across the sea. she needed the cold.

she needed you.

"do you like haewon-unnie?" yoona pulled away, tracing your cheek with her thumb.

beautiful, she thought.

"as a friend?" you looked at her, confused. "yes."

she kissed you again, your lips cold against hers.

"unnie," yoona asked. "you're not gonna leave me, right?"

you shook your head.

"no."

it got better before it got worse.

the release of your b-track had mixed reviews, albeit better than o.o, but many fans had accused you of trying to replace yunjin. death threats piled up in your inbox, and the ceo of jyp had to put out a public statement in order to lessen the hate.

it didn't matter. they still hated you, and you couldn't help but agree.

the yoona situation had gotten out of control once more. it was like a cycle. no matter how hard you tried to leave her, she was always going to be a part of you. yoona was addictive.

you ended up throwing yourself into work once more, losing the weight that you once gained in a blink of an eye. your members and your staff, even yoona, had noticed and tried to pull you away from it.

her worries no longer centered on a certain ex-member, but on you instead. instead of crying in your arms, she'd try ushering you into her bed, wrapping her arms around you as she coaxed you to sleep. she'd bake cookies, no longer as a distraction but as a way to get you to eat.

yoona was living for you.

but nothing could save you from the pain that you had begun to use as a distraction. the sleepless nights were spent dancing in front of a studio mirror, practicing until your muscles ached, until you were about to pass out.

(one time, TWICE had walked in on you practicing at 7am, right when they were about to start. jihyo ended up talking to haewon later that week.)

you kept running away from the criticism, from the hate, from yoona... from yunijn.

you wished you were brave like yunjin.

"y/nnie." haewon called out, laying flat on the living room floor.

"haewon."

she looked at you, a smile on her face. "if you need to, you should."

you looked away.

"we'll be waiting." haewon said, turning her head to the ceiling. she heard you sniffle. "we'll be fine. me and lily-unnie will be here."

you took a deep breath in.

"and me too!"

"jang kyujin!" haewon yelled, making the younger girl squeak. "stop eavesdropping!"

a faint sorry could be heard from the room, and you couldn't help but chuckle through your tears.

"can i really?" hope. you felt hope. "you won't get mad?"

"no." haewon sighed. she sat up to face you, your eyes and angry red. "are you gonna tell-"

"can you?"

"okay." haewon nodded. "i'll go get the girls and our manager."

yunjin was brave. so were you.

"yoona."

"unnie." yoona smiled at the girl who greeted her at the door. the cool air of spring blew behind her. "where's y/n-unnie? she's been stressed out this week so i'm gonna ask if she wants to go to the butterfly festival with me."

"yoona." haewon closed her eyes, closing the door behind her to conserve the hot air in the dorm. "she's not gonna be with us for awhile."

yoona's face dropped before she smiled once more. you wouldn't leave her, you promised.

"like a variety show?"

"yoona."

"what?"

"yoona."

yoona hates the heat. she'd much rather bask in the cold.

Hello, this is JYPE.

We would like to inform you about NMIXX member Y/n's current health situation and her further participation in NMIXX.

Currently, Y/n is struggling with depression and psychological burnout regarding her career. After extensive discussion with Y/n and members of NMIXX, we have decided that Y/n's current condition requires additional treatment, professional measures, and sufficient rest.

We value our artists’ mental and physical health more than anything, so we inform you that Y/n will be unable to attend NMIXX's activities until further notice. We will keep you updated on any changes in the future.

We ask for your love and support for Y/n's full recovery.

Thank you.

> main masterlist.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

This might be a bit of an uncomfortable topic, but do you feel that Kate's cancer diagnosis has changed the Sussex PR strategy?

I'm seeing a lot less olive branches, and less of that kind of PR overall. It stopped the "royal racist" line of attack stone cold dead.

Where do the Sussex go from here - if you care to offer an educated guess based on tracking new rumors and PR analysis - when they can't take potshots at their favorite target?

Yes and no.

Yes, the racist royal storyline has definitely been dropped, but I don't think it was exclusively because of Kate's illness. I think it was because of the hot mess Scobie (and Meghan) got into with the Dutch translation of Endgame leaking out; the only way that they could rescue themselves was if the racist royal story was dropped completely, and then Kate was sick right after and someone had a tiny sliver of humanity to know better. (My theory is that it was WME who knew better, because Sussex Squad was still going all in on kkkate.)

No, because the olive branch and reconciliation stories are still out there. It's just Harry being the face of those stories this time (they were Meghan's stories a bit before this) and they're spinning it in a "we just want to support them and help however we can" kind of way. I think the difference why this round of olive branches and reconciliation isn't getting any traction is because William and KP has done a very good job making it unequivocally clear - through leaks, through the rota, through their reactions to Charles's trial balloons - that the Waleses do not reciprocate the desire for reconciliation because they have other, more urgent, more bigger things to focus on at the moment...like health matters.

As for when they'll fire up the Kate cannon again, well, it depends by what you mean. Sussex Squad has already been fired up, each time Kate makes an appearance. They make comments on social media, which then gets picked up by the blogs and the royal rota, of things like "hmm, she can go to Wimbledon in a designer dress but she can't go to a cancer charity" or "that's a fake lookalike because her smile is different" or "look at that line on her face, that's definitely a facelift scar" or "suuuuuuuuuure, she's getting chemo because look at all that hair" or "she's really faking that smile, she absolutely hates standing next to William, they're definitely divorcing." And they'll continue making these comments every time Kate makes a public appearance because that's what they do.

If you mean when will Harry and Meghan specifically say something that targets/attacks Kate? I don't know. It could be the fall, if they see William back on his "regular" schedule but Kate is still convalescing; they could make a dig at Kate thinking William won't notice. It could be after Kate has the all-clear and is able to resume working (because the optics of beating up on a cancer patient in the media definitely isn't good, let alone a cancer patient as well-loved as Kate is). It could be if/when the Sussexes becomes desperate enough for new attention from the BRF or William.

I do feel pretty confident saying that one of the reasons the Waleses are being very careful about Kate's day-to-day is because she worsens with stress. And if there's one thing everyone knows about the Sussexes, it's that they cause, and add to, stress everywhere they go and no one wants to take the risk of the Sussexes adding to Kate's stress and triggering flare-ups. (Because my takeaway from Rebecca's article isn't that Kate was sick for weeks or months before they planned surgery, she was actually suffering for years, like maybe it was a chronic condition she could manage by avoiding triggers and it just became critically urgent in January to address.)

So I would speculate that the Sussexes might be a little more hands-off regarding their use of Kate in the media until she's fully back full-time but they'll use Sussex Squad to poke and poke and poke in the meantime.

But we'll see. Things can always change.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive (Daily updates!)

An older (published in January 2024) but interesting and comprehensive look at long Covid's effect on Latino families and communities in the US.

By Lygia Navarro and Johanna Bejarano

Editor’s note: This story first appeared on palabra, the digital news site by the National Association of Hispanic Journalists. It is part of a series produced in partnership between palabra and Northwest Public Broadcasting (NWPB) with the collaboration of reporters Lygia Navarro and Johanna Bejarano. *Some people interviewed for this article requested anonymity to discuss private health issues.

Victoria* is already exhausted, and her story hasn’t even begun. It’s late January 2021 in rural Sunnyside, Washington. The town of 16,000 people is a sleepy handful of blocks flecked with pickup trocas, churches on nearly every corner, and the twangs of Clint Black and Vicente Fernández. Geometric emerald chunks of farmland encircle the town.

Thirty-nine-year-old Victoria drags herself back and forth to her parents’ bedroom in a uniform of baggy burgundy sweatpants, scarf, knit hat and mask. Always a mask. As the eldest sibling, her unspoken job is to protect the family. But COVID-19 hits before they can get vaccinated.

When Victoria’s mamá got sick and quickly infected her papá, Victoria quarantined them. She shut them in their room, only cracking the door briefly to slide food in before retreating in a fog of Lysol.

Working in the health field, Victoria knows if they make it through the first 14 days without hospitalization, they will likely survive. Yet, caregiving drains her: Keeping track of fevers. Checking oxygen saturation. Making sure they’re drinking Pedialyte to stay hydrated. Worrying whether they will live or die.

Five days in, COVID comes for Victoria. Hard. Later, when she repeatedly scrutinizes these events, Victoria will wonder if it was the stress that caused it all — and changed her life forever.

At the pandemic’s onset, Victoria’s family’s work dynamics fit the standard in Sunnyside, where 86% of residents are Latino. “Keeping the members of your household safe — it was hard for a lot of families,” Victoria says. Living in multigenerational homes, many adult children, who’d grown up in the United States with access to education, had professional jobs, and switched to working from home. Their immigrant elders, who’d often only been able to finish fourth grade, braved the world to toil in fields, produce packing plants, supermarkets, or delivery trucks. As Leydy Rangel of the UFW Foundation puts it: “You can’t harvest food through Zoom.”

More than three decades ago, when 6-year-old Victoria’s family migrated from rural northern Mexico to this fertile slip of land cradling the zigzagging Yakima River, their futures promised only prosperity and opportunity.

According to oral histories of the Confederated Tribes and Bands of the Yakama Nation — who white colonizers forced out of the Yakima Valley in 1855 — the valley’s fecund lands have fed humans since time immemorial. Soon after the Yakamas’ removal to a nearby reservation, settler agriculture exploded.

By World War II, employers were frantic to hire contracted bracero laborers from Mexico — themselves descendants of Indigenous ancestors — to harvest the valley’s bounty of asparagus, pears, cherries and other cornucopia. This was how Victoria’s family arrived here: her abuelo and his brother had traveled back and forth to Washington as braceros decades before.

Victoria’s path took similar twists, in a 21st century, first-gen way. She moved all over the country for her education and jobs, then returned before the pandemic, bringing a newfound appreciation for the taste of apples freshly plucked from a tree that morning, and for the ambrosial scent of mint and grapes permeating the valley before harvest.

Today, agriculture is the largest industry fueling the Yakima Valley, the country’s twelfth-largest agriculture production area. Here, 77% of the nation’s hops (an essential ingredient in beer) and 70% of the nation’s apples are grown. Latinos, who constitute more than half of Yakima County’s population, power the agricultural industry.

While the area’s agricultural enterprises paid out $1.1 billion in wages in 2020, 59% of the low-wage agriculture jobs are held by undocumented folks and contracted foreign seasonal laborers doing work many Americans spurn. Latinos here live on median incomes that are less than half of white residents’, with 16% of Latinos living in poverty. Also in 2020: as they watched co-workers fall ill and die, Latino farmworkers repeatedly went on strike protesting employers’ refusals to provide paid sick leave, hazard pay and basic COVID protections like social distancing, gloves and masks.

“Every aspect of health care is lacking in the valley,” Yakima Herald-Republic health reporter Santiago Ochoa tells me.

In interview after interview, Yakima Valley residents and health care workers sketch in the details of a dire landscape:

The state’s busiest emergency room. Abrupt shutdowns of hospital facilities. Impoverished people without transportation or internet access for telehealth. Eight-month waits for primary care appointments. Nearly one in five Latinos uninsured. More than half of residents receive Medicaid. Resident physicians cycling in and out, never getting to know their patients. Not enough specialists, resulting in day-long trips for specialized care in bigger cities. With its Latino essential workforce risking their lives to feed their families — and the country — by summer 2020, COVID blazed through Yakima County, which quickly became Washington’s most scorching of hot spots. Not only did Yakima County tally the highest per-capita case rate of all West Coast counties (with Latinos making up 67% versus, 26% for white people), it also saw more cases than the entire state of Oregon. Ask Latinos here about 2020, and they shiver and avert their gazes, the trauma and death still too near.

Their positive tests marked just the beginning of terrifying new journeys as COVID slammed Victoria and many other Yakima Valley Latinos. Mix in scanty rural health care, systemic racism and a complicated emerging illness, and what do you get? Chaos: a population hardest hit by long COVID, but massively untreated, underdiagnosed, and undercounted by the government and medicine itself.

It won’t go away The cough was the first clue something wasn’t right. When Victoria had COVID, she’d coughed a bit. But then, three months later, she started and couldn’t stop.

The Yakima Valley is so starved for physicians that it took five months to see a primary care doctor, who attributed Victoria’s incessant cough to allergies. Victoria tried every antihistamine and decongestant available; some brought relief for three, maybe four weeks, and then returned spasms of the dry, gasping bark. A few minutes apart, all day long. The worst was waking up coughing, at least hourly.

Victoria had chest x-rays. An ear, nose and throat specialist offered surgery on her nose’s deviated septum. As months passed, the black hair framing Victoria’s heart-shaped face started aging rapidly, until it was grayer than her mother’s.

Over a year after the cough began, an allergist prescribed allergy drops, and Victoria made a chilling discovery. Once the drops stopped the cough for a month, then two, Victoria realized that the extreme fatigue she’d thought was sleep deprivation from coughing all night persisted.

“The exhaustion comes from within your soul, it overpowers you,” she says. “It’s intolerable.”

And her mind was foggy. When interrupted at work every 10 minutes by a coughing jag, Victoria hadn’t realized COVID had substantially altered her brain. “There are things in my brain that I should have access to, like words, definitions, memories,” she says. “I know that they’re there but I can’t access them. It’s like a filing cabinet, but I can’t open it.”

Before long, the cough resurfaced. Sometime in 2021, reading COVID news for work, Victoria learned of long COVID: new or lingering health issues persisting at least three months after COVID infection.

How to get help if you think you might have long COVID Talk to your doctor, and if your doctor doesn’t listen to your concerns, bring a loved one to advocate for you at your next appointment. Bring this article (or other materials on long COVID) to show your doctor. Ask your doctor about seeing specialists for long COVID symptoms, such as a cardiologist (for dysautonomia symptoms like dizziness, heart palpitations and shortness of breath), a gastroenterologist (for digestive problems), or a neurologist (for chronic nerve pain). Ask to be referred to a long COVID clinic (if there is one in your area). Now four years into the pandemic, there is still no treatment or cure for long COVID. COVID long-haulers (as they call themselves) have reported over 200 varied symptoms, with fatigue, dizziness, heart palpitations, post-exertion exhaustion, gastrointestinal issues, and brain dysfunction among the most common.

Long COVID is far from a mysterious illness, as it’s often called by the medical establishment and some media. There are precedents: for at least a century, historical documentation has shown that, while most recover, some people remain sick after viral or other illnesses. Yet funds for research have been severely limited, and sufferers ignored. Myalgic Encephalomyelitis – sometimes called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or ME/CFS — is a prime example. Like ME/CFS, long COVID afflicts many more women (and people assigned female at birth) than men, with women comprising as many as 80% of COVID long-haulers. Most long-haulers are in their 30s, 40s and 50s — the busiest years for women with children, who often put their own needs last.

What should have been instantly clear, given how disproportionately Black and Brown communities were hit by COVID, was that long COVID would wallop Americans of color. Yet, the U.S. government waited until June 2022 to begin tracking long COVID. Even now, with 18 months of data showing Latinos are the population most impacted by long COVID, palabra is among the very few media outlets to report this fact. Are the nation and the medical community willfully ignoring Latino long-haulers — after sending them into clouds of coronavirus to keep society’s privileged safe?

Fighting for a diagnosis When Victoria mentioned long COVID, her doctor didn’t exactly ignore her: she listened, said “OK,” but never engaged on the topic. Same with Victoria’s allergist and the ear, nose and throat specialist. All they could do, the doctors said, was treat her symptoms.

“I’m highly educated and I know that you have to be your own advocate. But I kept asking, kept going on that line of thought, and they had nothing to say to me. Absolutely nothing,” she laments.

Victoria understood science on long COVID was limited, but still expected more. “All of the treatments we tried, it was as if COVID hadn’t existed. They should at least say that we need to investigate more, not continue acting like it wasn’t a factor. That was what was most frustrating.”

Just as Victoria fought to have her illness validated by doctors, 30 miles away in the northern Yakima Valley town of Moxee, 52-year-old María* waged a parallel battle. Both felt utterly alone.

When the pandemic began, María became the protector of her husband and children, all asthmatics. When she fell ill New Year’s Day 2021, she locked herself in her room, emerging weeks later to find her life unrecognizable.

Recounting her struggles, María reads deliberately from notes, holding back tears, then pushes her reading glasses atop her head. (María moved here from northern Mexico as an adult, and feels most comfortable in Spanish.) Her dyed brown hair, gold necklace and lightly made-up face project convivial warmth, but something intangible behind her expression belies a depth of grief María refuses to let escape. When I tell her I also have long COVID, and fell ill the exact same month, she breathes out some of her anxiety.

María’s long COVID includes chronic, full-body pain; memory lapses so severe she sometimes can’t remember if she’s eaten breakfast; such low energy that she’s constantly like a battery out of juice; unending shortness of breath; joint inflammation; and blood flow issues that leave her hands a deep purple. (The only time María ventured to the hospital, for her purple hands, she says staff attempted to clean them, thinking it was paint.) Like Victoria, María used to enjoy exercise and hiking in the valley’s foothills, but can do neither anymore.

María has no insurance, and receives care at the Yakima Valley Farm Workers Clinic, created in 1978 out of the farmworkers’ movement. The clinic’s multiple locations are the valley’s main providers of care irrespective of patients’ ability to pay.

Whereas Victoria’s doctors expressed indifference to the idea of COVID causing her health complaints, María’s doctors not only discounted this connection, but made serious errors of misdiagnosis.

“Every week I went to see my doctor. She got so stressed out (at not knowing what was wrong with me) that she stressed me out,” María says. “My doctor told me, ‘You know what? I think you have multiple sclerosis.’” María saw specialists, and afterwards, even without confirmation, María says her doctor still insisted she had MS. “I told her, ‘No. No, I don’t have multiple sclerosis. It’s COVID. This happened after COVID.’ I was really, really, really, really, really, really insistent on telling them that all of this was after COVID.”

Latinos uncovering the connections between their ill health and COVID is rare, partially due to the plummet in COVID coverage on Spanish-language news, says Monica Verduzco-Gutierrez, a long-hauler and head of the University of Texas Health Science Center San Antonio long COVID clinic. There has been no national public education on long COVID, in any language.

“It’s hard for people to understand what the real impact of long COVID is now and in the future,” says Lilián Bravo, Yakima Health District director of public health partnerships and the face of COVID updates on Yakima Valley television early in the pandemic. “We’re looking at a huge deficit in terms of people’s quality of life and ‘productivity.’”

Eventually, María’s doctor sent her to another specialist, who said that if she didn’t improve within a month, he’d operate on her hip. María’s never had hip problems. “He said, ‘Well, I don’t know what you’re going to do,’” and then put her on a strong steroid medication that made her vomit horribly, María says. She hasn’t tallied what she’s spent on medical bills, but after paying $1,548 for a single test, it must be many thousands of dollars.

Meanwhile, María’s family and friends kept insisting her maladies were psychological. “I never accepted that. I told them: ‘It’s not in my head. It’s in my body.’” It wasn’t until more than a year after becoming ill that María finally saw a rheumatologist who diagnosed her with long COVID and other immune dysfunctions. “I told her, ‘Yes, I knew that my body wasn’t working. I knew that something was wrong.’ I felt like I could relax. Finally someone is telling me that it’s not all in my head.” Once María was diagnosed, her extended family switched to asking how she was feeling and sympathizing with her.

Victoria, on the other hand, has never received a long COVID diagnosis. At Victoria’s request, her doctor referred her to the state’s only long COVID clinic, at the University of Washington in Seattle, but Victoria’s insurance, Kaiser Permanente, refused to pre-approve the visit — and the clinic wouldn’t accept cash from her. At present, the clinic isn’t even accepting patients from the Yakima Valley or any other part of Washington — they are only accepting patients in King County, which includes Seattle.

Victoria’s family hasn’t accepted her health struggles either. “I’d say, ‘I know that you think I’m crazy,’” Victoria says, chuckling, as she often does to lighten her discomfort. “My mom would fight with me: ‘You forgot to do this! Why are you so spacey?’ ‘Mami, it’s not that I forgot. In reality, I completely lost track of it.’” If Victoria is fatigued, her family asks how that’s possible after a full night’s sleep. “I’ve found that I have to defend myself. When I try to explain to people, they hear it as excuses from a lazy person — especially being Latinos.”

Karla Monterroso, a 42-year-old California Latina long-hauler since March 2020 who spent her first year bedbound, says, “(With long COVID), we have to rest in a way that, in our culture, is very difficult to achieve. We really judge exhaustion.” In fact, pushing physically or mentally for work can make long-haulers much sicker. Karla says Latino ethics of hard work like those of Victoria’s parents “aren’t the principles that are going to serve us with this illness.”

Long COVID diagnoses in Latinos are still too rare, due to untrained family medicine physicians and medical stereotypes, says Verduzco-Gutierrez. (Doctors might see blood sugar changes, for example, and assume that’s just because of Latinos’ high rates of diabetes, rather than long COVID.) She says “misinformation on long COVID” is rampant, with physicians claiming long COVID is a fad, or misdiagnosing the bone-deep exhaustion as depression. When Verduzco-Gutierrez’s own doctor invited her to speak to their practice, the assembled physicians weren’t aware of basic research, including that the drugs Paxlovid and Metformin can help prevent long COVID if taken at infection. In Washington, physicians must complete training on suicide, which takes 1,200 to 1,300 lives in the state yearly, but there’s no state-wide training on long COVID, which currently affects at least 498,290 Washingtonians.

Cultural skepticism about medicine — and entrenched stigmas about illness and disability — mean Sunnyside conversations about aftereffects don’t mention COVID itself. Victoria’s relatives push traditional herbal remedios, assuming that anyone still sick isn’t doing enough to recover. “(People suffering) feel like they’re complaining too much if they try to talk about it,” Victoria says. Meanwhile, her parents and others in her community avoid doctors out of stubbornness and mistrust, she says, “until they’re bleeding, when they’re super in pain…, when it’s gotten to the worst that they can handle.”

“People in this community use their bodies for work,” Victoria says. “If you’re Latino, you’re a hard worker. Period,” says Bravo. “What’s the opposite of that, if you’re not a hard worker? What are you? People don’t want to say, ‘I came to this country to work and all of a sudden I can’t anymore.’”

Victoria sees this with her parents, who’ve worked since the age of 10. Both have health issues inhibiting their lives since having COVID — her dad can’t take his daily hour-long walks anymore because of heart palpitations and shortness of breath, and her mom began getting headaches and saw her arthritis worsen dramatically — yet neither will admit they have long COVID. Nor will their friends and family. “If they noticed the patterns of what they themselves are saying and what their friends of the same age are suffering after COVID,” Victoria says of her community, “they’d hear that almost everyone is suffering some type of long COVID.”

Long COVID’s deep impact on Latinos The “back to normal” ethos is most obvious in the absence of long COVID messaging while as many as 41 million adults now have — or have recovered from — long COVID nationwide. “The way that we’re talking about the pandemic is delegitimizing some of (long COVID’s) real impacts,” says Bravo of the Yakima Health District.

Even with limited demographic data, statistics show a nationwide reality similar to Victoria’s Sunnyside. Through a recurring survey, the Census Bureau estimates that 36% of Latinos nationally have had long COVID — likely a vast underestimate, given that the survey takes 20 minutes to complete online (Latinos have lower rates of broadband internet), and reaches only a sliver of the U.S. population. Experts like Verduzo-Gutierrez believe that true rates of long COVID in Latinos are higher than any reported statistic. California long-hauler Karla Monterroso agrees: “We are underdiagnosed by a severe amount. I do not believe the numbers.”

This fall, a UC Berkeley study reported that 62% of a group of infected California farmworkers developed long COVID. Weeks later, a survey from the University of Washington’s Latino Center for Health found that, of a sample group of 1,546 Washington Latinos, 41% of those infected became long-haulers. The Washington results may also be an undercount: many long-haulers wouldn’t have the energy or brain clarity to complete the 12-page survey, which was mailed to patients who’d seen their doctor within the prior six months. Meanwhile, many long-haulers stop seeing doctors after tiring of the effort and cost with no answers.

“Our community has not bounced back,” says Angie Hinojos, executive director of Centro Cultural Mexicano, which has distributed $29 million in rent assistance in Washington and hasn’t seen need wane. “That is going to affect our earning potential for generations.” The United Farm Workers’ philanthropic sister organization, the UFW Foundation, says union organizers hear about long COVID, and how it’s keeping people out of work, frequently.

Cultural and linguistic disconnects abound between doctors and Latinos on long COVID symptoms, some of which, like brain fog and fatigue, are nebulous. If doctors lack patient rapport — or don’t speak their language — they’ll miss what patients aren’t sharing about how long COVID changed their lives, work and relationships. That’s if Latinos actually go to the doctor.

“If you’re working in the orchards and your muscles are always sore, it’s just part of the day-to-day reality,” says Jesús Hernández, chief executive officer of Family Health Centers in north-central Washington. “If you’re constantly being exposed to dust and even chemicals in the work environment, it’s easy to just say, ‘Well, that’s just because of this or that,’ and not necessarily be readily willing to consider that this is something as unique as long COVID.”

Even Victoria says if not for the cough, she wouldn’t have sought medical advice for her fatigue. “There are a lot of people out there that are really tired, in a lot of pain and have no idea why. None,” says Karla, who was a nonprofit CEO when she became sick. “I have heard in the last three-and-a-half years the most racist and fatphobic things I have ever heard in my life. Like, ‘Oh, sometimes you got to lay off the beans and rice.’ I have a college education. I’m an executive. I am in the top 10% of wage earners in my community. If this is my experience, what is happening to the rest of my people?”

Conspiracy theories and misinformation As Yakima Valley’s Latino vaccination rates continue dropping, I hear all the COVID conspiracy theories: the vaccine has a chip that’ll track you; the vaccine makes you and your children infertile; COVID tests are rigged to all be positive; that hospitals get paid more for COVID patients. Victoria laughs at the most absurd one she’s heard. Her mom’s explanation for her health problems nearly three years after COVID: the vaccine.

Across the Latino United States, social media algorithms and WhatsApp threads promoting COVID disinformation proliferate. Last summer, Latino Center for Health co-director Dr. Leo Morales did a long COVID community presentation just south of Yakima Valley. The audience’s first question: Are vaccines safe? “This is where we’re still at,” Morales says. “That’ll be a big stumbling block for people…in terms of getting to talking about long COVID.”

One morning in early November, Morales and his team gather in Toppenish at Heritage University, where 69% of students are Latino, to present their survey data. Neither presenters nor attendees wear masks, an essential tool for preventing COVID transmission and long COVID. “The only conversation that I’m having about COVID is in this room,” says María Sigüenza, executive director of the Washington State Commission on Hispanic Affairs.

Yakima Valley health institutions are also ignoring long COVID. Of the two main hospital systems, Astria Health declines interview requests and MultiCare reports that of 325,491 patients seen between January and November 2023, 112 — or 0.03% — were diagnosed with long COVID. The Yakima Valley Farmworkers Clinic, where María’s doctor works, refuses to let me speak to anyone about long COVID, despite providing patient information for the Latino Center for Health’s survey. Their doctors simply aren’t seeing long COVID, the clinic claims. Same with the other main community provider, Yakima Neighborhood Health Services, whose media officer responds to my interview requests with: “It’s not going to happen.”

“I think they’re not asking, they’re not looking,” Verduzco-Gutierrez says. “Do the doctors just…look at your diabetes or your blood pressure, but not ask you, ‘Did your diabetes get worse when you had COVID? Did your blood pressure get worse? Did you not have blood pressure problems before? And now do you get dizzy? Do you get headaches? Do you have pains?’” She believes that many, if not most, Latinos with long COVID aren’t getting care, whom she calls “the ones that we’re missing.”

An uncertain future The outlook for Latinos with long COVID is grim. Cultural stigma and ableism cause now-disabled long-haulers to feel shame. (Ableism is societal prejudice and discrimination against disabled people.) Disability benefits are nearly impossible to get. Long-haulers are losing their homes, jobs and insurance. Latinos’ overrepresentation in sectors that don’t offer sick pay and are heavily physical — cleaning, service, agriculture, construction, manufacturing, homecare and healthcare among them — may automatically put them at higher long COVID risk, given ample anecdotal evidence that pushing through a COVID infection instead of resting can lead to long COVID. Latino care providers will become ill in greater numbers, imperiling the healthcare industry.

But Latinos may not be clear on these factors, says long-hauler Karla Monterroso. “My tío had said…'We must be defective because we get sick more than the white people.’ And I’m like ‘No, tío. We are exposed to the illness more. There’s nothing defective about our bodies.’ I’m afraid for us. It’s just going to be disability after disability after disability. We have to start in our small communities building caring infrastructure so that we can help each other. I am clear: No one is coming to save us. We’ve got to save us.”

Disability justice advocates worry about systems unable to cope with inevitable disabling waves of COVID in the future. “(Latinos) aren’t taking it as serious as they should,” says Mayra Colazo, executive director of Central Washington Disability Resources. “They’re not protecting each other. They’re not protecting themselves.” Karla sees the psychology behind this denial: “I have thought a lot about how much it takes to put yourself in danger every single day. (You have) to say ‘Oh, it’s fine. People are exaggerating,’ or you get that you’re in existential hell all of the time.”

Reinfection brings additional risk of long COVID, research shows, and Verduzco-Gutierrez says, “We still don’t know the impact of what is going to happen with all these reinfections. Is it going to cause more autoimmune disease? Is it going to be causing more dementia? Is it going to be causing more cancer?” She believes that every medical chart should include a COVID history, to guide doctors to look for the right clues.

“If we were to be lucky enough to capture everybody who has long COVID, we would overwhelm our (health) system and not be able to do anything for them,” Victoria says. “What’s the motivation for the medical field, for practitioners to find all those people?” For now, Victoria sees none. “And until that changes, I don’t think we will (properly count Latino long-haulers),” she adds.

Flashes of hope do exist. In September 2023, the federal government granted $5 million each to multiple long COVID clinics, including three with Latino-specific projects. In New York City, Mt. Sinai Hospital will soon open a new long COVID clinic near largely-Latino East Harlem, embedded in a primary care clinic with staff from the community to reach Latino long-haulers. Verduzco-Gutierrez’s San Antonio clinic will teach primary care providers across largely rural, Latino South Texas to conduct 15-minute low-tech long COVID examinations (the protocol for which is still being devised), and will deploy community tools to educate Latinos on long COVID.

Meanwhile, at the University of Washington long COVID clinic, staff are preparing a patient handbook, which will be adapted for Latinos and then translated into Spanish. They will also train primary care physicians to be local long COVID experts, and will return to treating patients from the whole state rather than just the county containing Seattle. After palabra’s inquiry, the UFW Foundation now has plans to survey United Farm Workers members to gauge long COVID pervasiveness, so the Foundation can lobby legislators and other decision makers to improve Latino long-hauler care.

Back at the Yakima Valley survey presentation, attendees brainstorm new care models: Adding long COVID screening to pediatric checkups, given that long COVID most impacts child-bearing-age women, so moms can bring information to their families and community. Using accessible language for long COVID messaging, or, as Heritage University nursing faculty member Genevieve Aguilar puts it: “How would I talk to my tía, how would I talk to my abuelita? If they can understand me, we’re good to go. If they can’t, olvídate. We have to reframe.”

More than anything, personal narratives will be the key to open people’s minds about long COVID — although that path may be challenging. In Los Angeles, Karla has dealt with a lack of full family and community support, in part, she believes, because her body represents COVID. “I am living, breathing proof of a pandemic no one wants to admit is still happening, and that there is no cure for what I have. That is a really scary possibility.”

While Karla does identify as disabled, Victoria and María don’t. Victoria has learned to live and move within her physical limits. At work, she sometimes feels inhibited by her cognitive issues. “I tell my boss all the time, ‘Oh man, you guys hired such a smart person. But what you got was after COVID, so it’s not the same.’” At times, she worries about the trajectory of her career, about how her work’s intense problem-solving wears out her brain. Will she be able to pursue larger challenges in work in the future? Or will long COVID ultimately make her fail?

Victoria tells me she “remains hopeful that there is a solution.” In a surprising twist, her cough completely disappeared eight months ago — when she became pregnant. (Other long-haulers have seen their symptoms improve with pregnancy, as well, likely due to immune system changes allowing a pregnant person’s body to not reject their baby’s growing cells). Victoria is optimistic that her other symptoms might disappear after she gives birth. And that, maybe someday, her parents will admit they have long COVID, too.

[cryptias-space]

I finally finished it!

Welcome fully to the world, human Lord's in Black!

My favorite design is probably Blinky and Tinky. The only one I'm not 100% happy with is Wiggly. I wanted to give him more detailed tartan pants but I just gave up. He has Christmas colors though, I thought it was funny. Nibbly having tanlines was a completely random choice. I think him having a bagel in his mouth gave me too much Aoi Asahina vibes and I was compelled for the tanlines lol

The story so far is that Webby got tired of her brothers wreaking havoc and decided they needed to see how hard it is to be human. She sent them all to Hatchetfield, with Wilbur Cross in toe to keep them in line, as human teenagers. She left Wilbur a book of everything they need to know, including new names and semi new human forms. Along with these new fully human bodies comes with human issues, like disabilities and mental health issues. (AKA more headcanons I can force onto them lol)

Individuals and more info under the cut

First up and shortest at 5 foot 4, Nibblenephim.

Nibbly is now named Nikolai Phillips, or Nicky for short. He is the only one of the LiB to have been put in an AFAB body due to his genderfluid identity and more feminine leaning nature. He does not mind this at all.

When Nicky goes to school he decides on joining the Culinary club, desperate to learn how to cook since Wilbur is so garbage at it. He is constantly being hit on by everyone at school and he takes advantage of it to make them take him to Pasqualli’s to get free food.

With Nibblys design I wanted to steer away from the classic Hairstyle. Everyone has his eyes covered, and while I do love that design so much, it would get in the way of his cooking and it isn't practical. I personally hc him as genderfluid and afab so I had to do it to him lol

The "human issue" I'm giving Nicky is ADHD and really bad memory issues. This is going to cause people to tease him for being dumb and while he jokes back about it, the teasing does get to him.

Second in at 5 foot 6, T'noy Karaxis.

Tinky is now named Tobias Kelly, or Tobi for short. Despite being 18 his goatee often makes people think he's older.

Tobi joined band, specifically as a trumpet player (iykyk), as well as joining the robotics club. He spends most of his time clinging to Peter Spankoffski and breaking into Theodore Spankoffski's home and workplace. He is constantly getting in trouble at school for being a class clown.

With Tinkys design I was going for a sort of extremely simple pastel goth or harajuku. Originally I wanted to give him way more of a Decora fashion but I didn't want him to look too complicated. He compulsively buys and plays with rubicks cubes (the colors are supposed to reference the Spankoffski brothers) also, notice the Tobi ♡ Peter friendship bracelet... Peter won't wear his lol

The "human issues" I'm giving Tobi is Autism and BPD. I feel like Tinky being autistic in any way makes sense, so Tobi is autistic with a special interest in puzzles and electronics (and the Skankoffski's but he won't admit that). With extremely sensitive ears and autism, he tends to have meltdowns often. And these meltdowns tend to be in public, causing people to judge him and think of him as a child. The BPD comes in with quick changing emotions, Ted and Pete being his favorite persons and getting extremely jealous and territorial. (I have BPD so I had to force this on him lol)

In the middle and completely average at 5 foot 10, Wiggog Y’Wrath. (He says he's 6 foot)

Wiggly is now named Waylon Webb. An obvious reference to the Waylon's and a painful reminder that Webby is the one who did this to them.

Waylon joined the chess team and quickly became the best player, and the leader. He also ran for student council president and won. He used his siblings skills to make sure he won. He bribed the student body with Nicky's food, annoyed the competition with Tobi's trumpet playing, and took amazing campaign photos with the help of Benjamin (Blinky). Percy (Pokey) refused to help him.

With Wiggly's design I wanted to go very simple and stick with the letterman jacket he had in NPMD. However... I had to give him red pants, I needed him to be Christmas colors lol I wish I spent time to figure out how to do his pants but alas, I am dumb. He wears the crown all the time, and it often gets stolen by Max Jägerman to tease him for being short

The "human issues" I'm giving Waylon is NPD. He views himself as better than everyone, save for a few specific people he views as equals. He struggles with self esteem and even if he would never admit it, what others think of him really matters. He often goes into crashes if the people around him ignore him too much, and he will go into highs when he gets too cocky. When he's in one of these crashes, Waylon gets extremely depressed and either isolates or desperately seeks attention. (I also have NPD so I had to force this on him lmao)

The second tallest at 6 foot 1, Bliklotep.

Blinky is now named Benjamin Thomas, or Benji for short. While he does have a face, his eyes being green if you're curious, he almost always has a phone or camera in front of his face.

Benji joined the photography club as well as the school newspaper. He writes almost exclusively gossip columns but the school eats it up. He does however take amazing photos for his siblings when needed, and also seems to have a strange obsession with amusement parks. Speaking of strange obsession, much like Tobi, Benji is often breaking into the CCRP building, but no one is quite sure why. Whenever asked he just says "an old friend" works there.

Blinky is my favorite design of the group I think. I knew I wanted him to be kinda feminine and lanky, but not as feminine as Nibbly and not as twink body as Pokey. His eye motif worked so well for the overalls and I feel like I managed to make eyes and overals not feel like The Minions lamo I also love the orange hair with the purple in it. The boots are supposed to be the knee high convers but in all magenta. I should have added the white on the toe but I forgot lol

The "human issues" I'm giving Benjamin is Hallucinations. I'm not knowledgeable enough to specify what disorder he has that's causing them, I'm leaning towards Schizophrenia, but again, I don't want to label it until I do more research. He often sees, hears, and feels things that aren't there. Most frequently he sees creepy, disembodied eyes surrounding him. When he hears things he often covers his ears and shouts to get them to go away, causing people to stare at him, which only makes him panic. His tactile hallucinations are almost always the feeling of bugs on and under his skin. (This is the type of Hallucinations I deal with so I had to force it on him lmao)

And lastly but definitely not least, the tallest of the human Lord's coming in at 6 foot 3, Pokotho.

Pokey is now named Percy Martins. He is the tallest and also has the deepest voice of the siblings.

Percy joins the drama club, obviously. He actually manages to get roles despite being a new student. He spends almost all his time in the auditorium practicing for auditions or the roles that he gets. Surprisingly he latched onto Richie the same way that Tobi latched onto Pete. Percy constantly asks Richie if he can come over to his house, and seems to know a surprising amount about Richies uncle. Just like Tobi and Benji, Percy is also constantly breaking into the CCRP building. When asked he will say "his muse" works there. He also has a deep seeded hatred for coffee bur refuses to elaborate on why.

With Pokey's design I wanted it to be comfortable but also elegant. To me he's giving Howl from Howls Moving Castle lol I was really determined to give him locs and honestly? I think I did a really good job for my first time! He has little jewels hanging out of them and also has his own mask as a necklace. The cane is very functional for him, but he definitely should have a different type of cane, possibly a different aid in general but he refuses to use the others because he thinks they're not fancy enough.

The "human issues" I'm giving Percy is chronic pain, POTS, and autism. The POTS and pain is what makes him need the cane. He often has to sit or lie down because of how light headed he will get. Also, he always has lots of water and salty snacks in his bag. He's autistic, special interest in musical theater. He has really bad sensory issues with textures, and much like Tobi, gets easily overstimulated. However, unlike Tobi, when he gets overwhelmed to any degree, he goes non speaking. This is really annoying to him, as he loves the sound of his own voice and hates not being able to speak. This causes him a lot of distress, which only makes him more overwhelmed.

That's it! I'm really proud of these designs, and I really hope to keep writing this fic idea. I love these fuckers so much