#splatposting

[conkreetmonkey]

Splatoon 3 is wild because imagine if you were living in Japan due to a recent economic and cultural boom, and suddenly a space shuttle with a mutant house-sized T-rex riding it suddenly burst from the center of Mt. Fuji and disappeared into space without explanation, and all you ever find out about what the fuck that was about is that Zuckerburg mysteriously disappeared the same day and was never seen again, but still "officially" ran Meta through an open secret Queen-Elizabeth-being-in-good-health gaslighting campaign, and everybody kind of suspected he may have been connected but never figured out anything conclusive.

Also the T-rex is now orbiting the earth in the fetal position like the guy from Jojo, and there are rumors of a substance that, if touched, turns you into a half-dinosaur monster. Nobody understands any of this but Meta employees just keep going to work and pretending Zuck still exists. The same 12 prerecorded voicelines constantly squak from the PA system.

Oddly, the statue in front of Meta HQ of a T-rex eating a human changes overnight into one of a giant human eating a tiny T-rex. Nobody noticed the switch, despite the statue being in a constantly bustling area. It happened shortly after the shuttle incident.

Jack Black's tiny clone, Lil' Jack, now wears a headset at all times and has been acting really shady since the incident. Also they're both hyperintelligent, immortal velociraptors found in an ancient cryogenic chamber who spend their days judging college football and eating the legally harvested flesh of hillbillies. Lil' Jack is probably plotting to kill Big Jack, but Big Jack doesn't seem to care, growing fat and lazy, sleeping on public benches in a bed of throw pillows. Also, he's very open about the fact that, as a velociraptor, humans look delicious, but he hasn't actually eaten anybody aside from the aforementioned hillbillies because he's civil.

Everyone is just expected to move on with their lives after this. This is normal to you.

The local art school was recently attacked by giant sea serpents, which were actually hideously bioengineered hillbillies, fulfilling a biblical doomsday prophecy, and they were driven back by Meta's army of minimum wage, part time child soldiers armed with warcrimey jury-rigged weaponry. The sea serpents had giant frying pans grafted into their mouths, which launched primitive tactical nukes made by filling garbage bags with their explosive blood. They still exist, and occasionally defend their comrades, but spend most of their time in the deep sea.

The local homeless emo twink everyone's attracted to is a closet millionaire who sells bootleg clothing in exchange for live rats, which he messily devours behind closed doors. He's also 8 feet tall and British and only has one eye.

North Korean refugees now flood the western world, after a greasy 14 year old hipster, under the guidance of Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, beat Kim Jong Un in a mech battle, and the EDM remix of the Japanese national anthem they performed caused like half the soldiers to immediately realize North Korea sucks ass and defect. One of these individuals, 7 foot tall hypergenius, becomes a newscaster alongside a nepo baby rapper with dwarfism who likes to eat entire jars of mayo, and also they're a popular band. Also also, they may or may not be gay. Almost the entire population is gay, so this isn't a huge deal.

The new local newscasters are a famous Japanese lion tamer, an Indian girl with a bloodline trait allowing her to control snakes, and a Brazillian man the size of a smart car who exclusively communicates via grunts.

Gods, souls and zombies are objectively real, and you're effectively immortal because real-life respawning was invented a while ago. It works like a Keurig, but with mucus instead of coffee. Submersion in water kills you.

A good deal of the population is a hivemind. They pretend to be individuals for no reason.

Almost all men are now femboys.

Despite all this, you still have to go to work at 9 tomorrow.

[j-estrella-draws]

my life is basically just splatoon brainrot 24/7

the video "Dance of the Octo" is made by @sew_fanimations on tube, go check em out!

[peachypizzicato]

deep cut singing big betrayal

deep cut when the cameras turn off

[mystic-vibeszz]

Sparkle off it’s Friday, time to wind down

progress below

[jotheweirdoz]

Friendship with Little Buddy has ENDED!

[ghostlycorvud]

who let this time traveler on splatoon

[cephalopistol]

forgot to post the christmas one on here before christmas 💀

[kingtankgirl]

turf war match so bad u leave and immediately go to grizzco

[arthropoid]

this could be us

[presszl]

the new song is playing in splatsville and has no ID or album cover, but in inkopolis they're playing maritime memory 🥺

[aerbunny]

splatoon oc tht works for grizz but is the sleepest butch in the whole wide world who is tired and sleepy and has insomnia + has passed out multiple times during a shift, at some point the adrenaline doesnt keep him awake enuf to finish a shift anymore n he just gets slammd by a boss and falls asleep

[coco-wheats]

Callie & Marie looking at Captain 3 🩷💛💚

[aztr0punk]

GODMUTHAFUCKIN DAMN I FORGOT ABOUT THE BIG RUN!!!

[peachypizzicato]

it is currently nearing 3am and i cannot sleep so i'm coming here to say that if you exclude big man from deep cut content on purpose you are going to hell. yea, before you die. sorry that's just the rules

[radioluminous]

watch my big swig quad kill, boy

[jotheweirdoz]

Shiver gets bullied into eating peppers. But she likes spicy food so everything is fine... riiiiiight?

(Based on a panel from the Pop Team Epic manga)