#that is a very consistent thing which I feel like is sometimes forgotten

[perelka-l]

I feel bad for Archer. He strikes me as such a young and intelligent person. I get the impression that he experiences his emotions intensely and, for the most part, he hides it well. It’s just that when it comes to Giovanni and Nanu… they’re so much older and experienced by comparison. It’s like a child trying to lie to a parent. Archer simply cannot do it as well as he thinks. The only reason Giovanni and Nanu pretend not to notice is because they want to save him some grace. (1)

They’re also probably talking shit about him for it when he’s not there. Archer just wants to be loved by the only person he feels comfortable accepting that love from. Which for some reason is an old, fucked up mafia boss. Poor guy.

I'm gonna.... Politely disagree in most points xD I'll elaborate. As usual wwww

For starters I don't see Archer as very young. I see him as more early 30s-mid 30s category myself (I'd imagine he joined TR maybe mid-teens, btw, already when it was under Giovanni's reign).

Admittedly, Pokemas surprised me a bit with how young he sounds but also I recently got hit by a headcanon that Archer deliberately takes great care to groom himself and, in effect, looks younger than he really is, because it makes it easier to misjudge him, and that's a hc that I immediately implanted into my head. Plus, tbh, I feel like with every portrayal he looks younger and younger tho (I am unsure if I like it ngl).

With Archer's emotions I am usually struck how sentimental he can be. He emotes in LGPE quite nicely (mostly his anger lol) and his tendency to write letters to express himself is a neat little quirk that I feel like is pretty overlooked. I am 100% sure he did write at least one more letter aside from LGPE one and I... can't find it? At all?? Anywhere? I' sure I didn't imagine that, right???? wtfffff anyway he's a sentimental bitch MOVING ON Anyway, I feel like he could be a type that hides his emotions well (he does look a bity icy imho ...which is hilarious when you consider what Pokemon is his signature) and will express himself when he wants you to know what he feels. Like, for example, that he is fed up with your shit. If he wants you to know, you will know, but if he is more blank, it's hard to say. Though I really like how he hides smirk behind his hand, like he can't quite resist but still tries to be professional :)c

With comparisons to Giovanni and Nanu, I would say he does have some advantages over them as well. Archer is very idealistic and thus, driven and energetic when it comes to his goals. He is not only dedicated to Giovanni, but to Team Rocket as well - he simply believes that what is best for Team Rocket is to be led by Giovanni, and not himself. But all in all he believes firmly in an ideal, which is not something Nanu can say. Just yet another way they contrast with each other (which is something I wrote about in another anon answer).

I also can't help but perceive Archer as a determined perfectionist. That can be seen as contrast to... Giovanni, actually. Gio has more of an approach of well, I failed, I can try again later and differently, no rush tbh. Archer is different, trying to achieve something with nothing but a clear goal in mind, all tunnel vision, and he won't stop until he's clearly proven he can't get there. One could even argue Archer's failure in GSC stems from him trying to force Giovanni's hand from the way Gio approaches things. But that's an interpretation.

To continue a previous thought, I think Archer would even... appreciate being underestimated. He is a bit of a gray eminence, I feel. He has no need to be on the top, although number two fits him very nicely, as it gives him a degree of control, but he still responds to Giovanni, and Giovanni only, a sure wall behind his back (so losing that wall later on was a shock). At that, he is a number two in TR. I really don't think he got there by sheer luck alone, I do think he got this far through proper hard work and maybe on some corpses. Pokemas supplying us that Ariana actively desires to topple him and can't only speaks of his efficiency and reliability (in FRLG (presumably) she even warns player that (presumably) Archer is more powerful than she is, so make with that what you will).

That number two is a sign he's being appreciated for what he is doing. He does what is needed for TR, and this is Giovanni's reward. I don't think he cares about anything but this.

At the same time, I think Nanu wouldn't be foolish enough to underestimate him, for precisely same reasons. Anyone that got far in TR is a potential threat, and I'm gonna throw my hc here but Nanu remembers the time when Giovanni wasn't even in top 2. He is a cop and he is a traumatized man and that is enough for me to believe he wouldn't turn his guard down.

And Giovanni, well. For Archer, Giovanni is literally everything. I would say it goes deeply beyond just a crush - Giovanni is something that he can rely on as a concept, a goal to achieve and something that you can devout yourself to (and that's even how Archer describes him). Which is why I compared him to a wall, a comfortable concept on which you can lean. One could wonder if Archer perceives Giovanni as a man at all, but I like to think the answer is yes. I like a thought that Archer saw Giovanni at his lower (not lowest, that is something not even Nanu witnessed but he knows of) and is aware of some things about him that others never will. And Giovanni is both aware of this and ignores that, because Archer is equally reliable for him as well. There is this one follower that will always be devout, that you can nod at and he will come, eager to do anything you wish, and one that at that proved himself time and time again.

(and yet you left, because you found yourself not enough to lead even him. How the tables turn.)

[happysparklingshadows]

𝚅𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚊 𝙿𝚊𝚕𝚖𝚎𝚛 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜 ('𝟿𝟼)

Warnings: little toxic parts, a little bit of 90s internalized homophobia, talk about religious trauma, talk about abusive households, and abuse of alcohol and drugs.

Notes: This is just something for everyone to snack on while I write the 5th chapter of Certain Hunger. Van is so underrated and is so hot!

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Van is a Taurus Sun and a Cancer Rising (just a big old teddy bear)

♡ Her favorite color is burnt orange, like a sunset.

♡  Van is a huge dog person. I can see her having a Doberman Pinscher or Rottweiler and also having a small dog. She has trained the big dog to be gentle with the little one but is still a very protective dog to walk around with. She likes to scare men away from her with her big dog and make sure that she and her girlfriend are well-protected. She seems like someone who loves to come home and see her dogs excited to see her home.

Vanessa's Spirit Animal Is a Fox

♡ Van is an Extrovert with no shame. She can talk to almost anyone, even if she doesn't like them at all. She can go to any party and make friends without trying, and sometimes she hates that about herself. People tend to just come to her with problems or things they can't help her for support, even if they just met.

♡  Van's favorite food is Pizza and Cheese bread. She is relatively easy to cook for because she doesn't fuss over anything after being used to eating her mother's burnt food all her childhood. She loves Italian food in particular, as well as easy takeout pizza and bread.

♡ Her Childhood was very rough. Her mom and Dad had an intensely toxic relationship that was filled with booze and generation trauma, which consisted of 5 children, with Van being the third. Screaming fights and breaking glass were an early childhood regular for her, and her being hit for punishments was to be expected. Van always thought this was normal, not all the drinking but the hitting and the shame was just a part of being in a family, but when she grows up, she realizes how fucked up her childhood was. Van was the forgotten middle child who didn't make a fuss at the house but was a class clown at school. She doesn't have a very close relationship with either of her parents or even her siblings because of the age gaps between them. Van is from an Irish Catholic family, and her family went to every mass like a typical family. She knew she was gay early on, but she didn't realize being gay was such a massive sin until she was a teenager, which made her have a lot of religious conflict within her, but she has come to her own sense of religion with her sexuality and view of the world. She believes God still loves her even though she is gay because he made her that way, and she believes the bible has been edited to benefit the people in power.

♡ Van's best friend is Lottie Matthews, and she is very close to Taissa, Natalie, and Laura Lee. She loves to sneak out of her house to hang out with her friends at the mall with the little money she gets from her part-time job. She spends more time with her friends than her family and is closer to them than her family as well. She will sooner tell Lottie a problem than her own mother.

♡ Van has an extremely high sex drive and is always looking for an out to go sneak away to fuck. She doesn't mind being top or bottom, but she really likes to be on top of you, her hands always sneaking into your pants.

♡ Van's main vice will be alcohol her whole life. She would sneak around small sips of her dad's beer as a child, and when she was a pre-teen, she would steal gulps of vodka hidden in the fridge. She is constantly fighting with herself to not drink crazy like her parents, but she can't help herself from the urges she gets to have when times get tough.

♡ ⚠️Unpopular opinion⚠️ Van does have some toxic masc! Lesbian tendencies. She is the masc, so why does she have to clean? Why does she have to talk so much about her feelings when she can just hold you until the feelings go away? Why does she have to be tender when she can be mean?

♡ ⚠️Unpopular opinion 2⚠️I think young Van is very idealistic in relationships and wants to be with the same person for the rest of her life. She is loyal to the core, especially when it comes to the person to show her tender love for the first time. She will say I love you very quickly, talk about the future without hesitation, and talk about getting married one day. She has the mindset of an average Midwest mascline person about how she wants her life to go. She wants the whole white picket fence with you.

♡ ⚠️Unpopular opinion 3⚠️She has a breeding kink!!

𝙳𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝙰𝚄/𝚄𝚗𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎

♡ Royalty AU! Spinster Noble is from a very wealthy family who just never got married. She doesn't have any position of power in court, but she has capital power in general. She is the noble who is always with you when you attend court and becomes your mistress.

♡ Delinquent AU! Streetfighter. Van gives me a very aggressive bottled up-angry fighter who picks on people who remind her of her mother or are just dicks. In my mind, she gives off Vi from Arcane season two, a pit fighter who wins every fight they're in. Imagine the cuts and scars on Van's face coming from fighting.

♡ Supernatural AU! Hellhound. I don't know why, but she would be a werewolf. The idea that it's a werewolf on fire is just so Van. Van would be a very cool beast that can set things on fire and claw something in half. She would be a very cool villain on an episode of Supernatural.

♡ Superhero/Marvel AU! Ironman. The snarky, sarcastic humor, the tough guy persona with a soft heart, and the problem with vulnerability. They are the same character. I think Van would 100% use her skills to save herself from a bad situation like Tony Stark did, and I think her being so independent makes her just like Tony.

♡ College AU! Dropped out of college with a business major but returned to college a few years later to wield. She really did try to go to college and apply for the FAFSA and everything, but it just wasn't for her. She went to a few frat parties and applied to too many classes, which made her disillusioned with the whole concept of college. So, she dropped out of school without protest from her family. However, Van reapplied to a community college in her mid-twenties to start a welding program, which she loves very much and thinks she has found her calling.

𝙿𝚛𝚎-𝙲𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Van was on you since the day she met you. She has known of you for a long time in school but does not know much about you because she was from a different class. She finally met you and got to know you when you both were in detention together, and slowly, you two got into classes together. You became her friend over the years; you became very close in high school. One night, she confesses she has feelings for girls, and you confess you did, too. You both started dating as soon as you said that, and it was sealed with a passionate kiss.

♡  Van fucking loves movie dates and walking around the mall. It's a cheap date when you go to the movies in the early afternoon and then go to the Olive Garden that was in the mall, then she can spend the little money she makes at her fast food job on you. Every week, you watch the movies on Friday after school or work. Van is a huge horror movie fan, but she is a sucker for a good rom-com. You two are fucking killers in a game of Trivia or Charades. The two of you are shameless waters of celebrity drama and talk about it together throughout the week like they were real people in your lives.

♡  Van has her mom's old, beaten-up car, and she uses every excuse to leave the house. She leaves to go to your home all the time, to the point that she is like a roommate. She takes you to State Lines and Makeout Creek. She treats you with princess treatment and Lottie with backseat jester privileges.

♡  Although Van is very clearly out of the closet, she is still hidden in the closet because of the generation she is in. There is too much shame to be out to her family that she isn't even close with, but she talks a lot about having a family with you and getting married even though it's not legal. She says the plan is to graduate and go to college, get an apartment, and become roommates, but in reality, you two will be married. You couldn't be legally married, but you could be married in the eyes of god and your eyes, which really matters.

♡  Van is an Anxious Partner. She isn't worried every time you disagree but has moments of insecurity that you will leave her because of a fight. All she wants is to always be with you, but it becomes a problem at points because she can be smothering or she doesn't get anything done because she thinks about only you when she is away from you.

𝚆𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜

♡ Similar to Taissa, over time in the wilderness, Van becomes more open about the fact that you are together. Hers comes somewhat from a place of possessiveness toward you and letting the other know not to mess with you. Van will grow so open to kissing you in public that she doesn't even realize others are around. Van swears to God It that if you two survive, she will tell everyone that you are her wife.

♡ Undoubtedly, there will be a wedding in the woods, with the team members witnessing the union. You would hold wildflowers in both of your hands and wear dresses, as Lottie was the one to officiate the wedding.

♡  Van is fucking you every time you move when you are out in the wilderness. Van's stomach aches from eating nothing but your pussy for months. She often thinks about you two having sex and how she can sneak you away to get her mouth on your mound again. She is obsessed with your musk.

♡  She would imagine having a child with you a lot. Even if she couldn't physically put a child in you, she tried. She knew it was crazy to think about having children at this time, but she couldn't help her human urge to yearn for children in times of fear.

♡  She becomes exceptionally smothering in the woods at times, but it feels protective and safe. You two feel safe as long as you two were in eye shot of each other ever since the near death experiences, as soon as your separated the both of you have panic attacks. You know its toxic when she tells you that you aren't safe without her or that you can't ever leave her side.

Taissa Headcanons ✿ Lottie Headcanons ✿

[stinkysam]

Trafalgar Law - S/O with a chronic illness.

Warning : none

Genre : fluff

Synopsis : “Ooh, may I request Trafalgar Law fluff with an s/o with chronic illnesses that result in a lot of disassociation and memory problems? If it's not too tricky or out of your comfort range? Things like. They forget dates and details, both important and unimportant, but they do *try* to remember. They just... can't. Their memory's like a wet sieve. And they tend to run into items that have never moved because they've forgotten that it's there. Or they've disassociated halfway through walking through a space and have completely forgotten that they have a body, and need to dodge items that they know are there.” - anon

Reader : gender neutral (you/yours)

Law, even though it's not in his medical range, has studied the field of chronic illness and knew what to expect when you told him about it.

He's also a very patient man, despite Luffy wearing it thin. But lucky for him you're not Luffy, completely naive and unpredictable.

He doesn't mind you forgetting dates, he knows you're not doing it on purpose. Even if they're important. He'll remind you of the important ones without judging you. Same thing if you forget names, faces, places.

He's not big on dates either. Except for Cora's death and the first time he met each member of his crew. And if he doesn't remember the date exactly he remembers how the day went.

So you won't have to worry about the 1st week & month anniversary of your relationship. But he'll remind you for the first year anniversary and the following ones but that's all.

He doesn't care if you forget which one of you asked the other on a date, or other details. He'll remember it and will remind you if you want to.

He's a bit amused by you walking into things though. As long as you don't get hurt. Sometimes, when you go too fast he will make you move with his devil fruit so you don't hit anything too hard. It makes him think of cats that are almost blind and hit things.

He has tried moving things around in the Polar Tang so they would be less in the way but it didn't change anything. You still walked into walls and doors, it just made it worse for a short period of time.

With your consent, he talked about it to the members of the crew so they wouldn't get hurt if you forgot their birthday or even their name.

They're all very patient and understanding and it even relaxed them a little bit. Not that it wasn't okay to forget someone's birthday, but now it felt less stressful.

He'll never make you feel insecure about it because he knows illnesses are hard to live with. Even if they're not physical.

He's a bit worried about your dissociation, though, and tries to find ways to help you with it. Like keeping a consistent sleep schedule despite his horrible one. Making you eat nutritious food -but he does that with everyone-, making you exercise. Or pet Bepo while smelling different essential oils.

He even makes you write a journal so you can help yourself remember what you did and keep track of things.

He always makes you sit when you start dissociating, not wanting you to walk overboard accidentally or open the main doors while the Polar Tang is in the depth of the sea.

You were sitting on the floor calmly, Bepo placed between your legs as you caressed his head. He's more relaxed than you, taking it as a massage while you try to identify what you're smelling but your stare is almost empty, feeling it hard to connect with your thoughts.

Law is here too, sitting next to you, reading and talking with Bepo. He doesn't care how long it takes for you to come back. Once again, he's patient and aware it's harder for you than for him.

[demphix]

hhi please talk about this ... you get me i think

Hi sorry this took so long I got my brain rewired and hijacked by Ceroba again. Anyways. Ralsei. That fuckin freak goat

Where do I even start? I could go the route of his design and how inconsistently he (and uniquely him as opposed to a more wide-spread lack of consistency) is portrayed both in and out of game and why I find that interesting, but I should probably do that separately.

Because I'm really here to ramble about him as a character, and what sides of him tend to be forgotten and ignored.

Most of the fandom that I've seen sorta reduces Ralsei down to what he is on the surface, a walking plushie who wants to make everyone happy, and while I understand WHY it's so common, it leaves me really unsatisfied with how he's presented in the fandom. He's more than that, he's not just the toy he tries to act as.

And I emphasize the "act as" there, because it's important to note how often he does this. He (and the game) gives you a million offers to hug him, if not that he'll talk about baking a cake for you, or you'll get to call him cute, ect.. Little acts of comfort he'll lean on a lot. On top of that, he'll always encourage you and Susie to be pacifists in Chapter 1 no matter what you do. Keep this in mind.

The next thing I wanna mention is his whole deal with "purpose." He's introduced by reading off a prophecy to you, and his whole conflict with Susie in Chapter 1 is trying to get her to be a hero with him and Kris for the sake of said prophecy. Later on he states that Darkners exist to serve Lightners and make them happy, and adds that it's supposedly the only way they can feel fulfilled. In Chapter 2, he objects to learning S-ACT and R-ACT because that's supposed to be Kris's special talent. There's probably more examples I'm blanking on at the moment, but those stick out to me the most here.

On top of all that, he really lets you walk all over him (sometimes literally). You mentioned before how he goes "If you want to hit me, that's okay, too!" and like. Yeah that's kind of the perfect summary of it he really did just Say That. What's wrong with you goatboy why are you like that???

Expanding on that more, despite encouraging pacifism he's perfectly compliant in letting you attack everyone and making him do it too; yet he still snaps (or as close as he can get to snapping right now) at Susie for doing the exact same thing. It's weird. He's fine when Kris does it, but when Susie does it's a problem? Why? He even suggests fighting as a way to get stronger in Chapter 2 (though I suppose that is at least after him being nice to King backfired on everyone).

It all fascinates me. It feels like he's trying to stick to a script while also letting you completely disregard it. He wants to be cute and lovable and wants to bring people comfort, but the only way he ever tries to comfort others is through hugs and baking or giving them a nice spot in his castle. Ironically for his thing with ACTing, he doesn't really "talk" about issues often.

Which leads me to his identity, Kris, the Player, and the way those may intersect.

Let's start off with Kris and the Player. A lot of what Ralsei gives you leeway on really feels like stuff for the player's enjoyment. He'll let you do things he doesn't want Susie to (fighting in Chapter 1, choosing who goes with who, ACTing, ect..) and use him for it when needed. He's famously VERY quick to disregard any meaning Spamton NEO's fight could have had and (again) relies on using himself as a plushie or making some cake or whatever to comfort Kris instead (which doesn't even work). I also like to note how he responds to any negative or silent choices from you in the Acid Tunnel of Love scene. He turns away from the camera (away from the player before turning opposite to Kris) in the first choice before going "ahahaha just kidding!! sarcasm!!! haaahhahahahaha!!!!, and in the second he fumbles on his words and tries to pass it off as "you-like" to be silent.

He also pans us over to Susie's POV in both chapters, and with the "So that's why..." at the end of both, it feels like he was trying to explain something to Kris during it??? Additionally: Weird Route. Do you remember the 1 in 20 chance he stares at the camera during the scene where he should be panning us over to Susie's POV? He just looks right at us. It has a unique sprite but it's disguised in name and appearance to look like an in-between frame from his dance animation at the start of Chapter 2. What the fuck does that mean. Huh. Why.

Oh also the him blushing easter-egg only happens when he and Kris's sprites overlap to a point where he'd be touching the sprite of the soul when made visible. Which sure is something I think

So like. Bro knows about us right . Am I crazy I think he knows. I feel like he's too focused on following the prophecy and being liked by us to not right?? Bro wants to play the role he was given in his script even if its uncomfortable or painful and panics when it doesn't go how it should too often right am I stupid or am I on to something please help me

Ok fuckin. Last bit. I'm gonna try to be quick I am tired.

Why He Goat

He resembles Kris's family, his name is an anagram of Asriel, you know the drill. I'm not so concerned with the "why" of that (I think he's the horned headband Kris wore as a kid, and his resemblance to the Boss Monsters is reflective of how that item represents Kris wanting to resemble their family), I wanna see how that ties into his identity. He states he doesn't know what being "ralsei-like" even means, and. Yeah that's probably adding a lot to it. It's also probably making how affectionate he tries to be very uncomfortable for Kris (almost like he's going despite that because they weren't originally who he was being this way towards Ooo Vessel Allusion Ooo).

I don't know how to wrap this up uhhh

I think Ralsei is more than the uwu babygirl fluffball this fandom makes him, he's a character with depth. He puts on a persona to be perfect for the player because that's his "purpose." It's his role in the story to teach you and do whatever you want while keeping the plot moving as it should. He cares, but he doesn't know how to comfort because he doesn't know how any of this works (like how he talks about friendship in the Acid Tunnel).

He tries to be perfect, but deep down he's still just. The lonely prince the prophecy needs.

[perfidious-prophet]

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

[agent-love-101]

Could I ask for Yandere Pre collider Johnathan with a reader who’s Sweet and completely enables his behaviour, fawns over him, dotes ok him, acts naive to ignore any weird things he does, etc,, -?

Yandere!Johnathon x Enabling!Reader

an: this is such a cute concept!! hopefully i can do it justice!!! i had a lot of fun!! <3

enabling his behaviors? my goodness you're gonna get yourself in a lot of trouble. but hey, could be fun!

when you ignore his thieving of your clothes, he starts to steal your favorites because he knows he can get away with it.

he loves holding you. he tries his best to convince you to share a bed so he can constantly know you're there.

he's sometimes a heavy sleeper, but sometimes you'll wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or retrieve a glass of water, or some other kind of task, and he'll be sitting up. staring at you with a stoic expression.

"where were you?" and the way he says it...it sounds kind of scary.

but you don't mind it. you answer honestly, telling him exactly what you were doing.

he'll continue to stare, his tired but attentive gaze watching your facial expressions to make sure you aren't deceiving him.

then he laughs. "oh!! okay! sorry! I was just worried!" he says in response. then you two go back to bed.

you would have forgotten that encounter if it only happened one, maybe. but it happens everytime you need to do something at night.

or anytime you need to do ANYTHING.

you need to communicate it to him directly and honestly. because he'll find out if you're lying.

i feel like the easiest way to have a horrible day is going late night grocery shopping without telling him. maybe you felt bad to wake him this one time he slept through your movement. maybe you wanted to see what would happen.

either way he is devastated, he feels betrayed...and angry.

he'll be making special locks to go on the doors and windows while you're out. you'll be let in easily...

but you won't be able to get back out until he lets you. which means he needs a lot of convincing. you have to earn his trust back.

nsfw below!!

petting and twirling his hair does things to him. it's excellent foreplay.

just do it with discretion. because he can and will finish just from your touch and voice.

it takes a lot of consistent touching for him to have a higher tolerance for you so he can last longer.

he is so determined to make you orgasm everytime you guys engage in sex because not only does he love the noises you make and they help him get off, but he worries that if he can't please you then you might leave him.

if you only want to be ravaged between the legs? he will gladly do so.

if you have a dick, he'll suppress his gag reflex as much as he can so that you like it. he's not very used to giving blow jobs.

or receiving them. if you ever offer one to him, he's on the verge of tears, whining and gasping as he grips onto the fabric touching your shoulders or the fabric underneath him.

[youremyheaven]

Omg rahu-ketu post😳

I was actually discussing my struggles around having prominent swati in my chart and staying grounded in my own reality on a forum fairly recently.

I have a very rich inner world which I essentially live in most of the time, and sometimes I feel like I miss out of my own life because I’m so detached. Limerence is also a big struggle for me, I find it much easier to centre myself in the energy of someone else than to be responsible for my own reality, which I guess comes from the things you talked about like rahu being a shadow planet and the mythology of rahu and obsession.

I also spend a large amount of time on social media and playing games 😶‍🌫️ I’ve tried to make uses of the positives by channeling my imagination into something tangible like art, but I have a hard time actually putting in the work to develop skills since I’m so distracted all the time. I think I’ve spent too much time in my head and now I’ve forgotten how to be in my body lol (my ADHD isn’t helping either💀)

Swati I think is especially a difficult nak because the libra/venus influence is only enabling rahu’s indulgence, unlike saturn or to a lesser extent mercury.

Aside from my personal whinings- the thing you said about occult/astro kind of intrigued me. All of my close family (incl. grandparents, uncles, etc) have atleast one rahu or ketu nak in their big 3, usually being ardra, mula or swati.

My mother’s side has lots of psychics and we have a dream interpretation system that gets passed down the family, whilst my father’s side has many tarot readers. My dad himself is an occultist who is interested in Thelema, astral projection, etc. There’s some interest in astrology on both sides but not particularly in depth and my parents usually end asking me about the transits. Oh yeah and I guess I had that one psychic dream last November that came true the morning after.

In general, my family has a history of very eccentric characters who occasionally got exiled or imprisoned or some crazy shit 😭 I feel like that’s just average Eastern European family lore though. Do you think such isolation is nodal? I think it is but there might be other planetary influence.

That’s enough yapping for today though. Interested to see your post on the positives❤️

Your observation about Swati is spot on

I do think Nodal influence+ well placed/strong Rahu & Ketu are necessary for learning and immersing yourself in the occult. Someone who cannot channel it well will remain ignorant of it no matter how much they read or study it. In some ways the Nodes can be understood as layers of the subconscious and the unconscious. The nodes represent karma (Ketu does) and our unconscious mind is our accumulated karma, if we remain ignorant of it, we will let it guide all our actions and lead us to self destruction. Therefore to have strong/well placed Nodes means you're aware of the different layers of your mind as a result of which you can understand the different layers of reality. Nodal influence creates a fog/veil that cannot be lifted until we gain true gnosis. This is why Nodal people get lost in addictive substances/pass times/people/ interests because their own reality feels foggy/veiled to them so they can only access it from other things. Obviously this is another form of Maya or illusion and that's why even these natives struggle with it. You hate the thing even as you indulge in it because on some level you realise that you're losing yourself to it.

Immersing yourself in the occult requires a certain discipline and consistency that can be hard for Nodal natives (malefic influenced, badly placed etc) to master unless it's well aspected but those who do master it are able to perceive reality and understand the esoteric realm in a truly sublime way. It's rare and magnetic.

I do think Nodal influence can contribute to being exiled/imprisoned/being isolated. There is a reason why 5/6 Nodal nakshatras all belong to the Shudra caste which is the lowest. These natives live lives that are "unusual" or different from the norm. They are "detached" because their life experiences already set them apart from others. They don't belong to the mainstream because they've been put in circumstances where they've been deprived of what is "normal".

Like I said in my post, what is "unusual" can vary a lot and can mean sooo many different things. Majority of the "child star gone wild" type celebrities have heavy Nodal influence. Why? because it's "unusual" for a child to be working or attaining fame and wealth or for their family to use them for the same. When you're deprived of anything ordinary or real, you depend on substances/unhealthy relationships/habits etc to feel centred. This is why after a point these stars "go rogue or wild". They amass a lot of wealth/fame but ultimately they're unable to benefit from it or enjoy it. This is also unusual as these are things typically understood as blessings. Being in a position where you can't connect to or relate to others is a very Nodal experience. That's why a lot of people with these placements are so introverted and withdrawn. If you're a famous child actor, you can't quite go to school and connect to the experiences of other people your age so you feel "isolated". Being imprisoned/exiled is another such experience. It permanently alters you and you don't know how to connect to others who haven't been through it.

I do think isolation is a big theme in the lives of Nodal people. It can be literal or emotional. But it's also obviously influenced by the rest of the chart. Heavy 12h placements also make a native experience the same themes to some extent.

[anzuhan]

Meet the almost all-innovade idol group, INN◯ヴェイダ! We promise to form a smile on your faces through elegant, yet cute performances full of life.

{ more info & transparents under cut }

The unit is formed by 3 groups, F◯SIDE, M◯SIDE & X ⦁ Y ⦁ Z —

— F◯SIDE [ unit formed by the 3 female members of INNOVATOR that is sure to steal your heart by their dashingly adorable stage acts♡ ] ;

— M◯SIDE [ unit formed by 3 of the male members of INNOVATOR, their exquisite and unique performances will be catching your eye! ] ;

— X ⦁ Y ⦁ Z [ unit for the last remaining INNOVATOR members as well as the single unit for one of the duos - though sometimes they may be more than 2! XYZ's refined air and focus on their fans is breathtaking. ]

————————————————————————

EXTRA

+ more words

after ... several days and a total of 10h of work (if taken in total of just literal drawing and editing -otherwise itd be far more (´ω｀*)) it's finally done!!!! wow!!! i will be playing with these pngs for a while now. and maybe you'll do that too by having the transparents. there were a bunch of 'hardships' to overcome but i think it all ended up great in the end! I will be talking about some of the work behind the stages too now, as well as ideas and more of the. technical? work. you can stop reading now if you're not interested in what led to this and the inspirations behind it — in which case i hope you adored this at least 5% as much as i do (っ´ω｀)っ

i think it goes without saying i love idols, especially very idol-y music. i'll never go on without it. i love playing dressup with characters and myself all too much as well ; with ribbons ideals of ruling over the earth, im sure he would be happy to find there is another way of doing that without losing your forces either! wow. howd no one tell him of this before? if violence need be at any point, he'd have the whole squad ready as well. Initially i wanted to make the main outfits more uniform for everyone, though because there will be a lot of focus on duos in the end i went with color-coded ones (much like LiPPS from im@s ! though theyre not made of duos for each color - imagine that were the case and youd get this unit). The duo part was also a problem, because regene would've been left out, which is why i decided to take on the indigo suit too. we do look a little odd compared to the other duos though but oh well ♡

Onto the naming, INN◯ヴェイダ has a lot of meaning within it - ◯ is generally a censor for words, though the circle plays a general theme for the naming in all of the main units. in the name for the main group, it simply replaces the O in innovator ; ヴェイダ (lit. veida) was the closest thing i could get to that'd sound both like Veda & innovator (together with the beginning inno). With the maru (◯) being consistent within all other names, the male - female units can be read as both F SIDE/M SIDE or F MARU/M MARU, whichever is more to your liking. XYZ is named the way it is due to - if needed - more of the gaga forces would join in for their performances. initially i wanted to name it ETC but that seemed a bit rude towards bring and divine, i did not want them to feel as simply just 'what's left' of the group, and theyre also generally forgotten alongside the gaga forces ＿|￣|○ i did want them to have their spot too. So i ended up going with XYZ, similar enough to ETC by being the end of the alphabet but it also implies more mystery - besides it sounds cooler too. i think. The tagline is also "Towards a future of YOU & I" (mentioning you in caps first to capture the attention of the reader & to feel inclusive of fans and caring) is that due to.. well. ribbon's wishes of world domination (though idol activities now!) though i think this may be obvious enough.

Though i didnt spend time on them nearly as much, i hope the (very fastly done) logos look good too - main INNOVATOR logo is made fully custom from scratch ; kinda ran out of ideas for the rest and just made them with various premade fonts </3

Ending words - if you got here, first of all thank you for reading all this and being interested in the idea as well 😭 is it clear by now that the innovators specifically mean a lot to me.. probably! i hope they mean something to you too, or that i will at least get to spread a bit more positivity for them through my art (人´∀`)♪

[ladysomething]

Hello there lovely human 💛

I’m kind of going around my favorite writers and ask them for advice and insights about their process (so I can collect it all like a hoarder). I hope you mind sharing some wisdom with us 🥺

So what I just don't understand is how you can post as you write while maintaining this level of awesomeness in your writing. Without writing yourself into a corner and keeping consistency. And it is awesome, the first time I read "You and me, we got a big reputation" I stayed up till 4 in the morning to finish it and it left me full of emotion and hollow at the same time (the same way as when you finish a great TV show or a good book or an awesome video game leaves you feeling, like something beautiful just ended and you can never experience it again. The kind of hollow that leaves you wondering what to do with your life now, that your world has changed, where your chest is empty and full at same time).

Anyway, how do you approach your ideas? Do you have the whole fic plotted out before sitting down for the first chapter? Do you write in order? Does it always go the way you plotted it in the beginning? How long did it take you to plot out "Where you go I go"? Or "You and me, we got a big reputation"?

Anything you want to share about your process would be appreciated 💛

I'm trying to put into words my first actually long fic ever and I know it will be better if I post it after it is all finished, but it is also easier to keep up the momentum if you have readers on your side.

hi!!!

firstly, thank you for the love on big reputations. I'm coming up on a year since I posted the first one shot in the don't blame me series, and I'm feeling some type of way about that.

secondly ... man oh man. I'm gonna go question by question here, but I'm gonna put it below the cut because I know I'm gonna ramble.

well the first thing is that I'm not posting as a write, not really. I'm three chapters ahead, which for me is what I need to make sure I don't write myself into a corner. I'm far enough ahead that I can keep control of the narrative. some people like be further ahead, others don't need to be ahead at all, but that's about the appropriate distance for me, I've found.

it depends on the fic! wygig is pretty much entirely plotted out, yeah. big reputations was not. I had a general idea about where it started, how it was ending, and what I wanted to happen in the middle, but specific scenes weren't planned - not like wygig. GMTF I had specific scenes in my head that I wanted to write, but more I had specific emotions I was trying to capture, and I built the plot around that. in my original manuscript, I had the three acts planned out, the main plot points per act, and then felt it out as I went (which ended up meaning I had a serious pacing problem that is still unresolved, hence why it's still sitting in my drafts lmao). so yeah, it depends on the story.

I write in order these days, but I didn't used to. I've just found that, for me, writing in order means that it forces me to keep writing, because I HAVE to go through all the boring scenes to get to the fun scenes. I use it as motivation, but that doesn't work for everyone! it certainly means that sometimes, by the time I get to the fun scene, I've forgotten what I had planned for it, so I have to build it all up again lmao.

no it doesn't always go the way I plotted! characters often do things I hadn't planned for them to do - sometimes good, sometimes bad. I've been going very rogue recently with wygig, as @saiyanwitcher can attest to. she's had to reel me back in quite a lot recently haha.

oh god, it took @saiyanwitcher and I probably .. I'd say we worked on plotting wygig for a solid month before I started writing - BUT the major caveat here is that I was writing the brocedes fic while we were plotting it out. so I refused to start writing wygig until I finished that, which meant we spent more time on plotting than I usually would. and then we revisit plot points as I get closer to writing them - see what can be kept, what needs to be deleted, what needs to be changed to fit the rogue elements I've inevitably introduced lmao

as I said, I didn't really plot big reputations out like I did with wygig, so that didn't really take any time at all! haha

as advice for putting together your first long fic ... what I'll say is this. I've been writing for almost 15 years at this point. I didn't even realise that I was coming up with a way to write that works best for me until I'd already done it.

I realised I needed people to give feedback as I go. I need to have written a lot in advance, before I start posting anything, so that I know I can finish it under my own steam and that my interest will continue. I need to listen to my mind when I get bored, and take a few days break from writing - but I can't go more than a week without touching a fic, otherwise I won't go back.

they're all things you'll learn along the way!

I also think you should try not to compare yourself to others. if you try to match what other people are doing, you'll never finish, because you'll end up disappointed in one way or another. it's easier said than done, for sure, but if it's your first, give yourself some slack and take everything as a learning experience!

and remember, above all else, to write for yourself. if your always writing for yourself, writing what YOU want to see, the motivation is easier to find.

[rallamajoop]

Public Service Announcement: You can SUMMON STURM in RE8's Mercenaries mode

It is VERY IMPORTANT you know this, because:

Summoning Sturm is some of the best fun you can have

The game will not tell you about it

I mean that: Sturm's not mentioned in any of Heisenberg's in-game tutorials. If you don't know to look for it, you won't find it on youtube either. At time of writing, googling "Heisenberg" and "summon Sturm" produces all of 6 results, none of which will give you a fraction of the in-depth Sturm-appreciation material he deserves.

This is where I come in.

In brief, Sturm is Heisenberg's Soldat Jet summon (which the game will tell you about) in an alternate mode. Hit the Alt key to switch to him on keyboard, or rotate the left analog stick through 360 degrees on PS or XBOX (I think ‒ more on this to come). Then hit 'fire', and BOOM! But Sturm is so much more than a new skin for an existing attack, because while the Soldat will just charge forward and explode...

...Sturm? Sturm will stick around. He'll charge forward. He'll keep charging until he vanishes off into the distance. And then just when you've forgotten about him...

...a whole new wave of enemies that weren't even on the map when you summoned him will suddenly have an assfull of chainsaw propeller to deal with.

And then he'll explode, doing stupid amounts of damage to anything left, just for good measure.

While the Soldat is functionally just a big grenade with a little more personality, Sturm is like summoning a partner. You can even leap back into the fray yourself while he waddles around cleaning up anything he gets close to (he can't actually damage you, fortunately).

Now, don't get me wrong here: Sturm is dumb. He'll keep going in one direction until he hits a wall, and sometimes, that wall is where he stays until his timer runs out and he vanishes in a puff of explosives.

He's not great with narrow doorways either. Summon him in front of one, and he'll get stuck there like an angry environmental hazard for any fool brave enough to try and shove their way past. While enemy!Sturms can bust through thin walls and gratings, summon!Sturm cannot. If he charges off in the wrong direction, you may never see him again. Look, he's a big, dumb lump with a propeller for a face: it's a wonder he can see where he's going at all.

That said, if I've learned just one thing from my (many) attempts to beat Sturm's boss fight at harder difficulty levels, it's that this bastard can somehow hone in and target you even through a wall. And though summon!Sturm isn't so great with walls, he still has the targeting part down.

You know, mostly.

Past Evils Resident have been sometimes infamous for partner AI so bad it can make you wish you were flying solo. But Sturm? Sturm takes that slightly-shitty AI, and makes it into a feature. You can't expect consistent performance from this guy, but the low expectations mean that, on the rare occasion when he manages to get it just right, you'll find yourself sitting there with a hand on your heart and a tear in your eye, feeling just so proud.

He's not bad for comedic timing either. Like, you'll be sitting there, watching him barrel down a staircase and off to the left, thinking okay, good, just the one Soldat left for me to deal with, and then zoom...

...awww, Sturm! Nice work, buddy! Best boy! :3

Look, I got stuck on Sturm for a while when I played this game on Hardcore ‒ and he shows up as a miniboss in Mercenaries too. I have died under those horrible propeller blades more than a dozen times, and it is not a pretty way to go. I never had the least affection for this guy before I discovered you could summon him in Mercenaries.

Now? Me and Sturm are buds. I do not care that he's an undead abomination with a propeller made of chainsaws for a face. I do not care that he was the last thing poor Ethan saw before it all went dark on numerous occasions. Sturm is like the big, ugly, mildly-brain-damaged rescue mutt you brought home from the pound despite all the warnings about 'possible aggression issues' ‒ the one that gets so excited whenever you throw the ball that he loses track of it, barrels the whole way across the park, and comes back without it ten minutes later, and you'll still tell him what a good boy he is. You don't even care that he's mauled three postmen and smells like something died in your garage: he is the best boy and you love him to bits.

Now, I did mean to go on here with some how-to and advanced strategy stuff, but I think that can wait for another time. This is Sturm Appreciation Hour, and so ends this post.

[ilovedthestars]

Murderbot Fic Rec List: Ghosts

October is approaching, and it seems like a good time of year for some ghost stories!! (These are not all horror, and some aren’t even scary—if you’re looking for actual chills I’m not the person to go to, lol. These are just stories with ghosts.)

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday by TheSteelChimera 638 words, Teen And Up, Creator Chose Not To Warn

Ghosts aren't real, all evidence points to the fact that human superstition is just that, superstition.But wormholes are strange places, and the MNTS Perihelion knows that ghost ships are very real.

A ghost story featuring ART, and the last echoes of lost ships. The mysteries of wormhole physics are a perfect explanation for hearing voices in the void. I also highly, highly recommend the podfic by DevilWithABirdDress, which has some echoes and effects that absolutely enhance the spooky atmosphere.

Ill Omen by avg 5,511 words, General Audiences, Creator Chose Not To Warn & No Archive Warnings Apply

Despite the positive attributes of a ship ghost, there is one omen associated with its presence: no member of a ship blessed by its presence shall ever set eyes on it. It only ever becomes visible to the crew of a doomed ship.

An alternate universe ASR where Murderbot is a ghost!! Binding souls to survey habitats as a security service is absolutely something the company would do if it had that capability. Supernatural suspense and haunting as protection—the fantasy/sci-fi flavor of this one is very cool.

The Stowaway by Masu_Trout 2,712 words, Teen And Up, No Archive Warnings Apply

I wasn't even worried. That, I think, was my first mistake. Far outside of Corporation Rim, Murderbot meets a cargo bot with a strange story to tell.

A gem from wayyy back in the archive, published in 2017 when only ASR was out, but still impressively consistent with the tone of where the series has gone! Murderbot hears a ghost story that it doesn’t really believe, but then again…. This one also has a podfic available. the past is no forgotten promise by lunaTactics 1,942 words, General Audience, No Archive Warnings Apply

"It should have been creepy. I had been in places like this that were really creepy. But this wasn't. Maybe because I knew where the humans and augmented humans who had last used this ship had gone, that their descendants were running around all over this system." How can the ghosts of the past be frightening when they love, and are loved?     Remember us. We are a promise to you that there will always be hope.     You are home. The ghosts of the Pressy speak to their successors. Or, Murderbot is empowered to pursue the ideal SecUnit's rescue because Preservation's ideals support it.

A heartwarming ghost story, to finish off the list. Sometimes ghosts aren’t trying to scare you or keep you away—they want to welcome you home. This one gives me emotions (enough that I made art about it) and also has a podfic available.

If you have any favorite ghost stories from the Murderbot fandom, or otherwise spooky/seasonally-appropriate ones, please feel free to add on other recommendations! There’s several that I haven’t read myself but have heard many good things about.

[thenearsightedmicroraptor]

AtLA's writing has many, many issues, a lot of them being way more serious offenses (sexism, racism, being painfully centrist, favoritism within the narrative, etc etc etc) that I think smarter people can and will and have put into words. Those are uhhh much more important pieces of critique. I'm gonna touch on something much more mundane, because I haven't seen anyone else talk about it.

I did enjoy certain aspects of AtLA, but the whole thing was still a weirdly frustrating experience.

Now, my wife has been giving me some running commentary on the production behind AtLA, and I've learned that many things were not set in stone while they were producing the show. They were keeping their options open. And I think that's one of the fundamental things that makes this story feel so clumsy to me. They don't know where the hell they're going with all this. They want to be a serialized epic, but they're tossing around ideas and concepts like 14-year-old me trying to write my first fantasy story. Each episode is floating around in its own slurry, sometimes connected to previous events by some kind of tether, but rarely by more than that. At the same time, each episode only very rarely displays the tight focus that a more episodic show requires, which means the whole thing is an inconsistent mess.

Character arcs start and stop and hesitate and stumble. Themes are picked up and dropped again. Character relationships don't get the time they need to feel realistic, because the writers don't know what they want to commit to. Plot points get invented and removed and forgotten, as needed. Character traits and roles are set in place without the viewer ever getting to see how we got here, and it happens with enough confidence that it really feels like the writers think they established it, but it's in some cut draft that they never actually put in the show.

A good story is consistent in its goals. If you have a story about certain themes, and about certain characters, and where life takes them, you need to have some sort of feeling of where you want them to go, and how they get there. They don't have to be set in stone, but whatever changes you decide to make will affect the story you want to tell. Changing things up, steering a story in a different direction, can definitely be done, and be done well, and be better than your original plans, but AtLA does not feel like it has a plan at all. The writers put down new elements like they're unaware that it will change the fabric of the whole. The result is that each episode does not feel like it is part of the same story. The result is when you try to mend a shirt using the wrong kind of patch; the seams will not hold. You're gonna ruin the fabric further. The result is a story that feels ruled by the whims of the authors, rather than any kind of internal logic. The result is a puppet show where you can very clearly see the hands moving the dolls around. A story where things do not feel significant, because you know that half of the threads they add will not being woven into the story proper, no matter how significant they seem in the moment.

And on TOP of all of that, they decide to tackle themes that they are wayyyyyy too dumb for.

In other, plainer words: Shit's badly written, man.

[profrozenraspberry]

Reflecting on my journals from adolescence as a late-diagnosed adhd/undiagnosed autistic adult

I just read through 6 of my journals/sketchbooks ranging from the end of 8th grade to my first year in college. Here are a couple things I found from the lens of late diagnosed adhd/undiagnosed autism:

Many parts were extremely painful and very heavy to read (I knew this would be the case so I’ve avoided reading them for weeks). To read those words a child should never know and to feel the pressure marks of my pen in the paper… I forgot how much I truly suffered every second of every day when I was so little and just trying so hard to exist and be left alone in a traumatic environment. In this specific journal, the one with the most turmoil, there were many pages ripped out which I wish I hadn’t but I believe I did that at some point to keep myself safe because maybe they were too much to bear. That’s okay.

There were also parts that were so witty and random/cryptic where I wanted more context but it also made perfect sense to me without because I wrote it!! I laughed and cried so much. I remembered things I’d completely forgotten and was really shocked at some things.

There were many drawings depicting me being isolated from everyone else. In one I was in fetal position, trapped in a bubble while everyone in the background provokes me and name-calls me from the outside. There’s also another me standing right outside the bubble, empathetic, trying desperately to connect with that suppressed version of me. I did 2 drawings using circles. One with a big circle filling the page with a tiny black dot outside of that circle with an arrow pointing to it saying “this is me.” The second one was similar but the black dot was at the center of the circle, labeled “black hole.” There was also a drawing of a blank-faced person standing behind a crying angel captioned “stop being someone else for the sake of others.”

I also saw my handwriting change very drastically from entry to entry and over time, sometimes writing in a cursive-print combination (how I write now) only print, only cursive and then different styles within those. Sometimes the writing reflecting how tired or distressed I was feeling so it was nearly illegible.

I was so surprised to see some of the same exact words and language I use to explain my reality now in these journals. It was actually a little scary to see how consistent I’ve been in my efforts to explain myself and my suffering to others because I’ve always had the language despite what others would say. It’s just that no one was willing to listen. Throughout my entries I used the words burnout, trapped, overwhelm, exhaustion, I spoke of wanting to be understood and believed, I pondered so much about who I really am/who I’m meant to be, that I am surviving rather than living, and that I’m wasting my life. The parallels are beyond obvious.

The most visceral thing, though, was turning to a page in pink ink. This was the only entry in colored ink in all the journals and it was pink. A color I didn’t care for much back then, but is my favorite color now and the way I see my aura. I also have pink hair. I turn to the page, and I see pink words that say “Sometimes I feel like an imposter mimicking the activities and routines meant for normal people. I do not think I’m supposed to do the things I’m expected to do…. I don’t feel in control and I desperately need to be. I guess I’m just not meant for this earth; I belong to another star…another dimension.” Right there on the page. I am late diagnosed adhd (~8 months ago), and after unmasking it, I discovered my undiagnosed autism. There is no clearer picture to me.

I have raw data. Patterns, context, history! I gave myself the gift of history. The greatest gift I’ve ever received. This is so helpful to me in my journey towards unmasking and understanding who I really am. And should I consider assessment & diagnosis in the future, I now have this resource.

The picture of me is becoming clearer. I am so grateful to have written and kept these for myself. Shoutout to my mom for housing them in my childhood bedroom all these years.

If you’ve considered reading old writings from your younger self, make sure you’re in a safe environment and headspace to take in the information. I wish I had written a little more but I’m grateful for what I have. All I can do now is keep writing and keep record of my words. I plan on scanning everything in digitally and adding it to my personal archive.

Thank you for reading.

[shadowyone]

Live laugh scarlet

[ Do you have any more facts about her?]

[I want to think of more, but it's difficult for me because I am trying to write her as a decent character and figure out exactly how I want to handle her! I hope you enjoy these facts and I wish to add on more later!]

-She loves all animals and can speak their language (This doesn't include Cybugs) This is due to the nature of her game and her being part beaver and able to understand Beaverton (the Main Protagonist of Forest Heroes)

-There's a support group that is similar to Bad Anon, which is usually for those who feel left out in their games or don't have much of a purpose. It's a small support group that usually consists of princesses or NPCs/Background characters. Scarlet is invited, but she feels weak if she shows up, so she actively avoids any help given to her. -When she's nervous, she likes to grab at her tail and hold it as self-soothing. -She's constantly mistaken for a princess due to her design and the fact that she doesn't really have a kingdom or subjects to rule over. Not to mention how much of a common trope it was for princesses to be needing to be saved by the hero in old arcade games. -With all the time spent in her tower, she's picked up a lot of skills and hobbies. Sewing/Knitting, Baking, Singing, and art. -She's very passive-aggressive -Her coding knowledge isn't as grand or vast as Turbo's, but she's picked up a few skills by watching him work. She's far more organized than he is when she messes with her code box and tends to keep it a bit smaller than his overall.

-She's a thrill seeker and tends to throw herself towards danger and even situations that might get her hurt. This is because her character has never actually respawned before or experienced pain, so that experience is something new to her and she doesn't fear it. She might even not fear death at times. Maybe.

-She was known to be a vegan by the programmers but actively sought out sweets and meat. She's a big fan of cake. Specifically mixed berry cakes.

-Sometimes she thinks about killing/betraying Turbo to gain everything he owns because she's never had any of it. It's a jealously thing, but she loves him too much to do so.

-Her Queen Berry persona is inspired by the Red Queen and Medusa from The Rescuers

-Her voice claim is Meryl Streep. Specifically her roles in She-Devil, Death Becomes Her, and Into The Woods.

-I made her with the idea of being Turbo's ex, but Turbo and her have never officially dated. -She's kind to people, but it's hard to tell if she's putting up a front just to make people like her or if she's being genuine. You can tell if she doesn't like you if she begins to be passive aggressive.

-Her greatest fear is being alone and forgotten. Her legacy is nothing. No purpose whatsoever.

-She can be a good mother under the right circumstances. Especially if she wasn't so fucked up in the head.

-She leans toward being more of a dog person

-One day she wants to make outfits for people and tends to sketch out a lot of her ideas. Fashion is her passion.

-Though she enjoys the 80s classics she listened to around her time, she's also a big fan of pop and modern music. Sometimes she listens to oldies from the 50s.

-She's claustrophobic and can't stand being indoors for too long. She loves nature and being inside too much or in a cramped space reminds her too much of the bland grey castle walls she sees every day.

-She's a big physically affectionate person and loves hugs.

-Her teeth are really strong and she has threatened to bite someone's finger off. Yes, she can chew through wood, but she's embarrassed to do it in front of people.

-She wishes the designers just made her human instead of this weird hybrid. A lot of self-loathing.

-Her motives are similar to Turbo's, but she thinks she's far nicer than him, therefore believing she isn't a villain. She is though. She really is.

-She's a clean/neat freak.

-She's got really good hearing and sense of smell

-Running water doesn't make her want to build a dam, but it feels oddly frustrating to her sometimes.

-On rare occasions, she makes a squeaking sound when she's excited or happy.

-She tends to stare at people. A lot. Staring off helps her think and it makes her look pretty unnerving.

-Scarlet is 5'8

-Overall, she's a troubled character and you can feel bad for her, but she's like evil. And she will hurt and kill to get what she believes she deserves.

[batsplat]

as might have come across by now, i love doing dumb rankings for things, which obviously includes ranking top ten riders after the season ends. which is only fun to do if you do not take it too seriously!! this is just as a laff. did it very very quickly top off my head before listening to the race podcast episode ranking the riders so I could argue with them in my head, was curious if they'd change my mind on anyone, they did not

just for reference the race's combined rankings were: 10) vinales 9) binder 8) zarco 7) diggia 6) bastianini 5) fabio 4) bagnaia 3) acosta 2) marc 1) jorge (impressive this did actually match up in terms of the riders i picked because i swear their one last year was bizarre)

here is my quick fire justification for each

Next off - always a coward's concept but idk, I'm clearly too fond of aleix. retirement privileges. the poles were neat, the races frustrating but ultimately also a bit inevitable feeling, too much of the year too anonymous. flyaway kinda a waste (also it makes sense to have a next off in this case because there was not a single other rider I considered even for a second for this list, like it's very much a grid in two halves for me this season idk)

10. Diggia - was generally impressed and happy he cracked on from last year, love athletes getting better at things. It's the Marc comparison that kills him for me. You don't need to be beating marc but you need to be close to him SOMETIMES and like. finish ahead of him when he's not gotten a penalty. just do not think the gp23 was quite as poor as the non-marc riders were looking, have to accept that bez's season was basically a write-off and go from there. Late stretch with the injury was really strong - positive season by his standards but that ends up bagging him tenth

9. zarco - some really impressive pace on a really poor bike. The qualifying is obviously the big thing, like the one lap pace was just consistently... surprisingly impressive.... Felt very yamaha era, I didn't realise he still had that in him. Races meh but no more so than other Honda's and he showed a little of what that bike was capable of. zarco to me feels like one of those riders who does need to feel comfortable in an environment to properly perform, and I get the vibe the lcr set-up is doing him a lot of good. still a bit of a terrorist sometimes in races - but unlike a couple of riders who did not make this list, at least he actually backed it up with a little bit of magic

8. Vinales - man this guy... I mean cota was obviously amazing and so was portimao tbh, but unfortunately it's a twenty round calendar. The starts are abysmal even by aprilia standards, after phillip island I made a vow with myself to never put him in my fantasy league team again and then broke that at catalunya ii, a race I'm not convinced he was physically present for. also with all love and respect for aleix, genuinely remarkable it's taken three seasons for vinales to actually get the better of him - and even that was helped by aleix disappearing over the flyaway stretch. extremely vinales season, we all know what we're getting at this point

7. bastianini - not even BAD as much as I found it deeply uninspiring. obviously also pretty damning he failed to secure third place. he flirted with the idea of involving the best bike on the grid in the factory team in a title fight two thirds into the season, then instantly changed his mind. just basically IMMEDIATELY crashed when the title contender shouts started... so much for the consistency thing when he's actually pushing huh. the qualifying h2h with pecco is criminal, which to some extent reflects well on pecco but. not that well. Late race pace gimmick only takes you so far buddy. Fell off less than the three guys ahead of him in the standings, but at least those three were clearly trying to be fast which fundamentally I think is a good idea in motogp. I also still haven't forgotten whatever tf he was getting up to in the catalunya i race, though admittedly catalunya ii was in itself a memorable follow-up. the post-race aleix comment is a genuine contender for the funniest thing anyone has said all year and almost pushed him into my top ten just because of how much i enjoyed that. and now for the good stuff!! when bastianini's on it he's clearly super fast, the late race pace gimmick DOES still do crazy things sometimes, and he did have some serious consistency going for him even when he was twenty seconds back on the other guys. race craft always been a bit dubious to me but like. points for pulling some of those moves off without crashing. improved his sprint performances and did manage to bounce back from serious injuries last year. interested to see how he gets on next year

6. Binder - I did not think I was being generous with this ranking!!! he was the top non ducati points scorer and I still believe on balance the gp23 is a better package than what binder had. sure, this was another pretty uninspiring season but like... maybe the issue is that I've long felt binder was overrated and the ktm was underrated, like I never bought this whole 'he'd win a title on a ducati!!' talk. so I felt vindicated early in the season and then I got over it and could appreciate the performances he put in. he outscored a guy I think most people agree is a truly generational alien-level talent - didn't outperform him, but that is still a respectable accomplishment. the ktm might not have slipped down the pecking order but it WAS relatively further adrift from ducati than last year - lack of peaks hurts binder post Qatar and how pedro just reliably seemed the best ktm in terms of pace but. y'know. that gets you sixth

5. pedro - yeah man, what a stunning rider. I always try to set the hype levels low when a guy is switching class because you truly never know, but he's the real deal. felt very casey-esque in vibes more than result in that his ultra promising start to the season actually slightly hurt him afterwards, but quite frankly this is also down to bike performance and him overreaching on machinery that doesn't allow it. you could feel him losing his patience... he's hungry and knows he should be fighting right at the sharp end of the field. which is fine - to a degree. inevitably some of the mistakes end up costing him in this ranking, even though I still feel like they tell me nothing about his ultimate potential. the comparisons to marc's rookie season are worse than useless because if you really think marc wouldnt have crashed more in his rookie races than he did if his debut had been with, idk, Ducati ... Idk what to tell you man. Hopefully he's gotten some of the stupidity and recklessness out of his system, but yeah he could do with that bike things none of the other riders could. also CONSISTENT high pace - even if the conversion wasn't always what is should be, he really was almost always the fastest ktm rider in any given weekend. looking forward to next year if ktm still exists

(also sorry but you CANNOT rank him this much higher than binder if he's been outscored by him on the same bike, like it's a top ten best riders not top ten riders who you vibed with the most. binder outscored pedro and u put him SIX places lower in the rankings?? it's not supposed to be a ranking relative to expectations - maybe this is also what hurts marc slightly in my rankings... he clearly adapted very well to the ducati BUT the fact that he was adapting just inevitably meant some of his performances especially early in the season weren't quite *there*, which knocks his ranking slightly. this 2 me is how you do a ranking of the 'best')

4. Fabio - the problem with ranking fabio is that fundamentally you cannot really compare him to some of the guys in this ranking because he is just riding with a completely different set of challenges and priorities. he's not under the strain of a title fight, he's not got a decent benchmark (think the injury is still a serious factor), the eye test tells me he was highly impressive but I also can't really rank him higher. he has a massive machinery deficit but also fundamentally that means if he has a shit weekend, he's going to just be essentially invisible. even though I fully believe he would be right up there with the guys ahead of him given the correct machinery, if not beating them, just kinda inevitably means he cannot put together as complete a season as the guys ahead of him. also helped by how the Yamaha has gotten generally somewhat better over the course of the season, which means recency bias is swaying me. really recaptured some of that old qualifying magic at times. That race where morbidelli took him out haunts me. He's also kinda hurt by me not seeing enough of him on my screen but this is not his fault. I would be fine putting him first lol

3. marc - he's very likely gonna win the title next year, for now he gets third in this ranking. in the pro column is obliterating with the gp23's, though quite frankly that also reflects how unimpressed I was generally by most of those guys. I think the bike was nowhere near as good as he made it look for much of the year, especially given the rear tyre situation... I also don't think it was quite as poor as his fellow gp23's regularly made it look. he adapted very well to the bike especially at his age, he showed he still has the old magic, he did everything he needed to this season to fight for the title next year. a lot of the year he spent riding with bikes he had no business racing, there were some inspired rides through the field, and all three of his sunday wins were impressive in different ways. he also had more than his fair share of bad luck. but y'know, he was in the title hunt vibes-wise long enough that it's worth pointing out he finished over a hundred points off the top two in the rankings. which probably feels like more than it is given the sprint factor - still, percentage-wise that clocks in at just under eighty percent of bags' points... I'm not discounting the machinery difference but it makes me more comfortable with giving him third. the qualifying isn't actually as poor stats wise as it FEELS (average grid position another stat you can whack bastianini with if you are so inclined btw), but it still wasn't what it should have been. gp25 will probably be good enough he can at least slot in besides pecco, but he doesn't want to get into that 2015 era valentino habit of continually having to do Very Impressive Rides with great overtakes and all the rest of it from pee nowhere at the end of the first lap. also a bit too crash-y - and I do give him one or two penalty points for stinky race craft working his way back up the order lol. he's too old for that, and also there may come a time where he does need to start watching that crash count a bit more (throughout the weekend). maybe it's sustainable, but it might well not be. I didn't like those numbers in his prime, I like them even less now. all that being said he could easily go first in this ranking and I almost put him there, to me there's no real distinction. post-summer break I think I would put him first

(editorial note: twas interesting to see catalunya ii qualifying felt like the first time catching a tow off pecco actually *worked*, and I am a little bit curious if that was because pecco was deliberately attempting to give him said tow or whether he's figured out not to bin it on the ducati in that situation. watch this space ig)

2. Bags - the fastest rider this year and should have been champion, so of course you have to penalise him for not winning. I do actually think he performed better than martin but also he had the factory apparatus behind him and martin did what he needed to do. seven crashes - one he was completely blameless for, two racing incidents he was at most in that 40-60% range for, four on his own. I find the sepang sprint crash quite excusable, catalunya sprint I am pretty unimpressed by, misano ii I honestly still don't understand anything about his race and Silverstone sprint I am very meh about. the racing incidents do feel like major punishments for minor crimes but fundamentally just like... don't be in that situation I guess. if you don't watch where you're going when you cross the street under a green light and get run over, even if it's not your fault that won't actually do you much good. genuinely had some quite poor luck, like I don't think all this bike/tyre stuff was just bullshit on his end - same with martin last year at... I want to say qatar? shit happens. I do think he needs to get more serious about sprints, though to some extent his ranking reflects a continued stubbornness on my part on the sprint front. you're supposed to be fast on a sunday!! he was fast on a sunday. eleven wins are eleven wins and don't suddenly get erased if you don't win the title - sure he was on the dominant bike but he wasn't the only one. eleven wins can be used to slam him but fundamentally they are still eleven wins. and did I mention that he did ungodly things to bastianini in some of their h2h's, who theoretically is quite a highly rated rider... I am always a fan of a good exercise in futility and some of his late season performances very much moved me. decision making sometimes a bit ass, race craft less so. hope he doesn't die in a ditch next season

1. jm - yeah man what can you say, just such an impressive all round season. you can penalise him a bit for the win count I feel ... It's one of those weird seasons because apart from mid season he generally ended up in a position where he was *defending* a points lead, so it was consistently sensible for him to settle for results rather than do anything silly. But there was a lot of settling!! I think it's easy to complain about that on entertainment grounds, but fundamentally this was probably his one shot to win a title (after last year) and he did so. both him and bagnaia made a step up from last year which as stated earlier on I always appreciate - I still think pecco is the all round better well rounded rider with more to his game, but also literally who gives a shit. it's about winning the title!! shout out to his starts... I don't like how important they are in the current version of the sport but they are and his are consistently excellent. the qualifying battle between him and pecco is worthy of mention in its own right - I KNOW you don't get points for qualifying, I'm not even that big a qualifying girl normally, but idk some of those sessions moved me. doing all that with a satellite team (albeit a very well-supported one) and knowing he was leaving next year... yeah. now admittedly he did do the single stupidest thing I'd seen all year when he changed bikes at misano i, which if I had my way you'd get negative points for, but also all those guys behind him made mistakes so whatever. I find the sachsenring crash fairly excusable, the jerez one a lil less so but also fine, mugello sprint was a wee bit silly and likewise indonesia. did also potentially get extremely lucky marc crashed when he did in thailand - if martin's right and he would have crashed there, that's double the title-winning margin right there. race craft a bit eh and I feel like I never really expect him to win any of his encounters with pecco and Marc (and even bastianini), but also le mans was great so. Doubt he'd be champion without sprints but we do have the sprints, congrats on a great season etc etc

and there u go. top five are interchangeable for me and so are the bottom five but i feel quite strongly about which rider belongs in which group. fun season, i enjoyed it

[icyonice]

Soooo what about the characters from Chapter 0 of Rain Code? In this Medieval AU? #4

-Zilch is the prince to the Fauna Kingdom

-Zange is the old, wise, and sometimes sassy general of their knight squad (I would say Captain to stay consistent with Yakou because they hold the same power in their respective kingdom but general sounds better for Zange)

-Melami makes clothing and her family is well known for the clothing they create (often pairs up with the Thunderbolt Family to trade their clothing)

-Pucci is part of a traveling band of Bards (she plays the flute)

-Aphex is the leader of a rag tag mercenary band who used to be just a bunch of bandits

Now some more info on each character!

Pucci plays the flute and has very innate auditory abilities which is why she likes music! Specifically the flute due to “how nice and smooth they sound” according to her. She doesn’t like to talk much and didn’t like other people talking as “people are loud and don’t sound pleasant to her ears”. She rather talks through music.

Melami’s family is very well known for their designer clothing they make. Melami herself is quite skilled at the craft too. However her style was quite different from the conventional. Her family looked down on her for it but her style was also well liked and is starting to spread its popularity as she started to share her clothing in the Chronos Kingdom (and other kingdoms with the help the Thunderbolt Family specifically Desuhiko)

Aphex was born into a noble house, but lost in all when he was very young due to a scandal revolving his family which made his family lose their status as a noble house. His family was now reduced to a disgraced family and it didn’t take long before his family was basically forgotten. Aphex left his family behind and turned to banditry, trying to make a name for himself. He’s torn on whether or not he should restore his house, but survival was more important. Part of him hoped he would come to be known as Karma for the downfall of his house.

Back when Aphex was a leader of a small bandit group, he would cause trouble and loot villages until Zange was dispatched to the village he was terrorizing recently. Zange easily beat them all despite being quite outnumbered and tried to get Aphex to become a knight and quit the bandit life. Aphex didn’t like that though. The stuffy, stuck up life was not for him and declined. But Zange didn’t want to waste this potential so he proposed that Aphex became a mercenary instead, training him to be even better in exchange. Life turns around for Aphex and he owes it to Zange. So now Aphex is the leader of a well known mercenary band and tries to do what Zange did for him and make others quit banditry.

Zange is loyal to Zilch and basically like raised him like a second son. Zilch sees him not much of a father but really respects him and will listen to his advice and such. Zilch has somewhat of a big ego as prince saying stuff like “I’ll allow it.” Zange has been trying to make sure he isn’t in over his head. But other than that he is a good prince and really cares for the harmony and balance of things in his Kingdom.

Chapter 0 spoilers underneath

So we all know they die right? Not in this AU!

Kanai Kingdom, hungry for power and territory, invaded the Fauna Kingdom and they were forced to surrender. However many people were able to escape before Fauna Kingdom was closed off and isolated as well. Of them was Pucchi and her bard band, Melanie, Aphex and half of his crew, and Zilch. Zilch was only able to escape because of the help of General Zange who helped fake his death. Zange decided to stay behind to look after the kingdom and Aphex asked some of his men to stay behind to help out Zange. It’s the least he could do after he helped Aphex. Those who escaped Fauna Kingdom fled to other Kingdoms. And these guys happened to stubble into Chronos Kingdom :)

Anyways that is all for now! Do feel free to ask or share your thoughts on this AU!

To see my other Rain Code Medieval/Knight AU posts look here 👇

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