#that in my own lived experience as a PTSD person - my more ''understandable'' traumas hold the same weight as my less ''understandable''

[secondarysefikura]

Idea: Cloud and Sephiroth knew each other as kids (yes, Cloud was expiremented on) . Cloud is a little mentally challenged but not enough to be left dependent on someone, yet can still have certain episodes. Sephiroth is protective of him and doesn't like leaving Cloud alone for a certain amount of time, in case he has an episode. Nibelheim happens and Cloud ran from Sephiroth, no longer recognizing him as safe.

No that's so fucking sad why would you say that to me.

Haha, no, you know me. I love this sort of thing :)

In my mind I'm imagining Cloud with some form of complex PTSD that can flare up in certain triggering scenarios. Something similar to what I used to experience where although I was generally fine to live on my own, there were certain situations where I was unable to do things without support due to trauma (hence why several professionals had recommended I begin the process of getting a service animal, since at the time it was severely affecting my ability to get certain necessary tasks done.)

In this case, Sephiroth is something like a comfort person. Someone who Cloud is very close with (especially since Sephiroth is protective of him and doesn't want to leave him alone for too long) and who generally helps Cloud ground himself or supports him with tasks that may be hard to complete during a PTSD flare up.

When Sephiroth burns Nibelhiem, he is solely focused on ensuring no villager escapes the burning village. The moment he finds Cloud standing in the middle of town with a terrified expression on his face, however, Sephiroth's focus switches to comforting Cloud. Yet when he reaches out to take Cloud's hand, (just as he always does when Cloud starts to spiral) Cloud stumbles away from him and quickly runs off.

Cloud looks even more terrified than before and, rather than realizing that Cloud is now frightened by him, Sephiroth pursues Cloud with the the intent of bringing him to the reactor where he will be 'safe' and can 'calm down.'

When Zack arrives at the reactor to challenge Sephiroth, he's shocked to see Sephiroth holding an alien head in one hand and Cloud's wrist in the other. Cloud is sobbing and struggling as he tries in vain to free his wrist from Sephiroth's grasp. Meanwhile Sephiroth is muttering something about a 'mother' to the head while occasionally ordering Cloud to calm down. Doesn't he understand he's safe now? Sephiroth has him, everything is going to be okay.

Unsurprisingly, the moment Cloud gets his wrist free from Sephiroth's grasp he makes yet another break for it.

[mandyspeaks]

How is BPD created from a BPD perspective

In my experience BPD is created through fundamental abandonment trauma, particularly with family. I can give an example to show how this functions.

Let’s imagine Betty lives on a planet far away, where it is customary for family members to always shake hands when they see each other. Betty sees other families doing this all the time. She sees her own family members shaking hands with each other. Yet for some reason, none of the family members will shake Betty’s hand. They simply refuse to and ignore her when she tries. Eventually Betty gives up trying.

When you’re a child, you often don’t have enough context for how healthy families work, to know that there’s anything dysfunctional about yours. In this case, the child is more likely to draw the painful conclusion that they are the problem. It’s not the adults for refusing to shake her hand, she must not be worthy of it. She internalizes this shame as a permanent core sense of self when relating to the world. She enters the world through the filter of “I’m not worthy. There is something inherently wrong with me.”

Later in life Betty falls in love and enters a romantic relationship. She finally has someone who will shake her hand upon greeting like she always wanted. Which possibly contradicts her feeling that she is not worthy.

For this reason her ego will hold on to this romantic partner in a way that idolizes them. They’re not just bringing her love, they’re validating her entire sense of selfhood.

One day her partner is in a bad mood and does not shake her hand upon entering their home. For couples that grew up in healthy homes, this would happen from time to time and be forgivable.

For Betty, she is actually reliving her childhood trauma of being denied a handshake. Her partner is not intending to hurt her, and cannot understand the seemingly disproportionate reaction.

Betty’s body is remembering all of the exact same sensations she went through when her own family would refuse to shake her hand. She is actively experiencing a PTSD flashback. On top of that, the experience is validating her core sense of shame and unworthiness.

Someone she once saw as someone totally different from those who betrayed her, is now acting the same way. To Betty, she feels like she cannot escape this pattern, because deep down, she is not worthy of having her hand shook.

Betty is in so much emotional turmoil during this flashback that she says angry and somewhat hurtful things to her partner. Her thoughts are racing and she feels like a hurt child again. In the moment, she feels that she is doing what she can to reveal this deep seated pain to her partner, which is so painful that it comes out laced with anger and betrayal that is not solely from this moment, but decades deep. She isn’t just speaking to her partner in this moment, she is speaking to her family members who neglected and abandoned her.

Betty tells her partner she doesn’t want to speak to them anymore. Betty does not feel she is worthy of having her needs met, so she has to find another way to get them met. By pushing her partner away, part of her hopes that they will “realize” the truth of her pain and validate it. But her partner doesn’t understand why she is having such a strong reaction.

Eventually the PTSD flashback will fade away and for Betty it will feel like she is coming down off of a bad drug mixed with an angry panic attack. and Betty’s rational mind will start to see the situation as it is. For a BPD person an argument can feel like waking up with a bad hangover and seeing you texted your ex, but worse. It’s waking up to reality and seeing you have said things you know are unreasonable and pushed away the one person who showed you love.

The truth of BPD is that to an outsider, our behavior may seem unreasonable and difficult. But to that person, there are many layers of trauma and context that have led to these specific rejections being profoundly painful, especially when coming from someone you love.

[rinnysega]

Writing a book is a lonely hobby, but it’s been nice to be able to reflect on and process stuff in the quiet. Some personal stuff below.

It’s been about a year since I found out I’m autistic and have c-ptsd. Reflecting on the changes I made over the past year, I’m happy I’m in a better mental place, surrounded by people I feel healthy and safe around, and a lot of what I learned about my brain and outlook on the world is therapeutic to write about in the world of my books. While I’m only human and wish I could go back in time with the knowledge and skills I have now, a lot of the experiences unique to me since childhood are what made me who I am. It helped me understand the meaning of life and what’s important at the end of the day.

It’s an emotional thing to process because when I look too deep into it, I sort of answer my own questions about life. A lot of past suffering, feelings of neglect, alienation and bullying, emotions I felt intensely but couldn’t describe, mistakes I made, situations that harmed me, people who harmed me, they’re all things I wish didn’t happen so I could be happy. But, if I didn’t make those mistakes or learn from those situations, I never would have put the pieces together in therapy in order to figure out who I am. To really be happy, for me, meant I had to study my past, to learn how I live in the world as an autistic person. Using my past as a textbook, I was able to spot patterns of when I short changed myself and allowed the smart, strong person I know I am to be duped into feeling less than because of my own insecurities of how I was born. It’s easy now to spot when my past self would have fallen into anxious, disassociating, people pleasing habits in overwhelming situations. While I still struggle with it on occasion (mostly the notion of reaching out when I need help or expressing needs), now that I can see it, it’s easier for me to handle.

I don’t get as overwhelmed by confusion anymore but instead when I feel overwhelmed, it’s for emotions I have a name for and can handle it fine, but they just make me sad. Most of the time it’s the sadness for why I had to be born different, discouraged from autism testing when I had a chance to know only to get to the point where I developed c-ptsd. Sadness for the fact that, on the opposite side of the coin, I hurt friends too in my trauma responses and confusions. Sadness that I let myself get lost in the abuse from past partners, sadness I acted out in burnouts or meltdowns when my brain got absolutely mentally fried. Just feeling helpless when I got stuck in horrible loops and spirals that felt impossible to escape. I don’t think those feelings will ever fully go away, but it’s easier to handle knowing I’ll have significantly less of those negative experiences now that I know how to avoid them before it gets worse. I have a beautiful life ahead of me with people who love me with the same intensity and empathy that I hold for them. I owe so much to them, and you know who you are if you’re reading this.

Writing always made me happy. It’s the outlet I felt I could really be myself, and it always made me happy when people liked what I had to say or loved my characters I brought to life. Thats always been my dream since I was a kid, and it feels good to be starting my journey as a career author with all of this in mind. I know what stories I love to tell. I know what themes spark a passion in me. I love helping others, and I love being able to show someone they’re understood, even if it’s by just one other person. To touch just one person with something I write that they can resonate with and not feel alone in the world? That’s worth more to me than anything. Fandom was a nice starting point, and I adore the friends I’ve made, but I’m ready for more ❤️

Nearing the end of the revisions and starting the publishing journey has me feeling lots of things, so it’s nice to come on here and get it out to those of you who’ve stuck around with me through multiple fandoms and my own personal nonsense over the past 15 years. I made a new blog to set aside in the possible chance I get published, to separate my personal spaces from a professional one (DM tho if interested). Thanks for sticking by me, and helping me to feel not so alone in the world too, whether or not you’re still here or we talk on other platforms (or in person ❤️).

I feel like I get my thoughts and musings across better in realms of fiction, but if you’re reading this and made it this far, I hope you know you’re worth everything. Not just to me, but to everyone you know. I know it’s scary to feel alone, in the dark on emotions or problems that feel impossible to describe or place, but you are loved. You are loved ❤️

[systematicallycapricious]

A few frameworks I've found helpful for writing structural dissociation systems in fiction (e.g. OSDD-1/P-DID, DID... can't vouch for complex DID because I'm still learning about that):

The BASK Model

The Action Systems Model

Triad of Dissociation (third paragraph in the post)

Note: I haven't yet tracked down the academic source for the "triad of dissociation", so I'm not sure how scientifically accurate that is. It makes sense to me subjectively though, so I've been utilizing it in my own regard.

(I also don't think that it's inherently the "theory of structural dissociation" because it talks about the formation of single dissociated parts, not ANP vs EP and how many ANP are present.)

Additional note: the "BASK" and "action system" models can be used for trauma more broadly, so they're not limited to just SD-systems. Character with PTSD or C-PTSD? Applicable. Character with magic- or soul-based plurality but still experiences trauma at somepoint? Applicable. Obviously if you have world-lore or character-lore that denotes that their responses to trauma aren't like a human's, then these may not be as applicable, but you get the point.

Lastly, these three frameworks aren't the only things you should reference while writing a SD-system character, but they certainly help a lot with organizing character information and demystifying some of the underlying mechanisms for SD-system characters.

---------Capri rambling on applications of those frameworks--------

Also something helpful that I've been doing is combining the "Behavior" part of BASK with the "fight, flight, freeze, shutdown, etc." of action systems. As far as I understand, "Behavior" isn't limited to just those, but when I'm creating notes on what trauma features have ended up where and how they manifest among a system, making notes like "Trauma X: fight-Behavior is held by Y alter; shutdown-Behavior and Affect are held by Z alter" is very useful.

In that same regard, denoting what fragments of a particular BASK category are held where can also be helpful. E.g. one alter holds a fear-Affect, another holds an anger-Affect; one alter holds the Knowledge leading up to the traumatic situation while another holds the Knowledge of the traumatic situation itself; etc.

This also can apply to complex and longer-term traumatic situations, as opposed to just one-off events. In those cases, alters might collect those particular types or categories of experiences over time (e.g. an anger and fight-response holder, or an alter with Knowledge of multiple traumas), or they may have different kinds of traumatic content from different experiences within that timeframe (e.g. an alter with Knowledge from one, Sensory from another, Knowledge and Affect from a third...).

Furthermore, adding the triad of dissociation into that lets you figure out what degree of dissociation is being utilized to handle those traumatic memories, and at what points. You character can start off with a stage 1 dissociative part from a trauma at age 3, then have it gain more content (traumatic or not) and develop into a stage 2 by age 7, for example. I personally assign stage 1 parts to my stage 3 alters as well, as it helps me to track their individual trauma triggers and responses when needed, but I don't remember how academically or practically accurate that is to IRL.

Combining the three frameworks together, I can write notes something like this:

Age 3, 'Makami' is a non-structurally dissociative self-soothing measure when [chara] is sent to live with their neglectful grandparents.

Age 3-5, due to [chara being put into a different chronic trauma situation without support], Makami becomes a structurally dissociated response. Spared all aspects of BASK from their prior trauma, but retaining Knowledge of their current trauma, Makami soon develops into a stage 2 part who accesses energy management, exploration, caretaking, and social interaction action systems.

Age 15+, due to [a combination of a one-off trauma and chronic stressful situation], Makami develops enough to become a stage 3 part, retaining the recuperation-Behavior and some Sensory aspects of [the one-off trauma]. Makami continues to operate within the priorly ascribed action systems when the trauma is not triggered.

[babyspacebatclone]

Ouff, Number 1….

Personal story below cut. I don’t blame the Autism for this, but it was definitely a factor in that being the reaction I gave.

There’s this one mother at the daycare where I work. To be fair, three years on she has pretty much complete faith in us staff and completely understands when we calmly relay all the ways her two kids have been, as I say, “independent.” She’s a single mom, we understand things, although we also know the kids’ behaviors have causes (that is, the youngest suffers from only getting attention when “naughty,” and the eldest mimics mom’s more “Karen” traits…).

But it took work getting there, and while we understand a lot of her own issues came from places of legitimate trauma I seriously don’t know how as a center we survived the first year.

Very early in that year, I happened to be helping the mobile infant room during breakfast. Not my usual room, but I pitch-hit a lot. It was just me and the lead teacher and four babies, two getting baby oatmeal mixed with puréed fruit and two getting cherrios and chopped fruit. The lead was cutting up the food, her preferred task, and I was sitting spoon feeding the younger babies.

The Lead was already stressed, as one for the older babies had been very proudly “independent” since being dropped off an hour and a half earlier.

It’s at this scene that the mother in question shows up with her youngest.

No problems with drop off, the youngest gets settled in with the table food babies, we’re assuming we have everything handled.

Mr. “Independent” has taken to knocking all his food onto the floor, and it was well and truly time to get him cleaned up and into a jumper so the Lead could have about five minutes not having to worry about him.

Even with not working much with this particular child, it didn’t surprise me a bit that cleaning up involved basically holding him down to rub all the food off his face while he screamed; some babies are like that.

I glanced over my shoulder and winced - in my opinion, the Lead really was being a bit too rough with the task. Not in anything that actually concerned me, just enough where her frustration and older-school experience led her to being more focused on finishing the task fast and not on the kid’s comfort.

I assume, if I’d had a moment, I would have offered to switch quickly, let her know I’d handle him since she’d been vocal about her frustration and I could spin it as giving her a break.

Maybe, maybe not, I don’t always think of those things in time.

But I never had the chance - next thing I know the room gate flies open and a tornado of yelling enters our room.

I was shocked; the mother had been watching us through the room window, which we’s been too distracted to notice. Please remember, this isn’t even her kid getting cleaned; her baby was calmly eating the first bits of her cherrios.

And it wasn’t even the roughness I’d noticed that hd set her off - she was furious at a teacher holding a baby’s head (at the base of the neck) to clean them.

The lead is almost instantly reduced to tears. She tries to defend herself, but there really wasn’t anything she could have said in her defense as the mom unstrapped her child from the high chair.

I was not nearly as far into my C-PTSD recovery as I am now, so I was just sitting in a chair with my back to the pair, trying not to cry myself, feeding the two babies who didn’t seem to care about anything but food, praise everything noble and good.

And then the mom drops this line:

“I know how much you [staff] make!”

(Translation: You guys are making so much money, you should have better standards than this! How do you live with yourselves taking so much money from parents and then abusing children??? Nevermind that any moment of logic lets you realize that the staff physically can’t get all the money directly a parent pays, there are things like food and cleaning supplies and electricity that are required to keep a daycare center open…)

It was a single bark of a laugh. There was literally no way I could have helped it.

Let’s just say, I currently earn about $15 an hour, which is where a contingent of people suggest raising the USA minimum wage to.

There isn’t a teacher I work with who has young children who hasn’t needed county assistance to keep their own kids in daycare, which is gross but a rant for another time.

She didn’t really react to me, at least not that I remember and as said with me focused entirely on the dual tasks of spoon feeding babies and not having a panic attack because my coworker was now running into the bathroom and I was responsible for four babies for the conceivable future.

Fortunately for our sanity, mom ran into my center’s director while trying to gather her second kid, still complaining.

My saint of a boss was able to calm her down enough to listen to her, at the very least, and then somehow convinced her to let the children stay while the director would deal with this.

I cannot imagine how, at all, but it happened.

My laugh had been brought up when the director talked with me, but in a very factual “She mentioned this, she thought it was rude, I tried to explain how much we as staff actually make…” that was complete sympathetic to me.

Anyway…

Yeah. Not a great situation for anyone.

As an Autistic person, I really don’t know how I’ve survived these kinds of parents….

Number 2 reason I refuse to work Lead.

(Number 1 is just finite spoons to responsibility ratio…)

Autistic Traits which are interpreted Rude...

Neurodivergent_lou

[shammah8]

SPIRITUAL ABUSE There are various types of abuse, including physical, verbal, mental, financial, and others. Each of these types of abuse can cause trauma and soul wounds. However, for the purpose of this chapter, I am focusing on spiritual and emotional abuse. Why?

Because the two most important parts of a person’s being are their spirit and their soul.

I have prayed for and counseled thousands of people over the years who have been victims of someone who has abused their spiritual authority. In my book Unmasking the Accuser, I deal with a condition that I call PTSD (pastoral traumatic stress disorder). Just as many people have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder through exposure to severe trauma (including war, the tragic death of a loved one, or a natural disaster), there are countless people in the body of Christ who have experienced the devastation of spiritual and emotional abuse, often at the hands of an individual in spiritual leadership. Satan is the accuser of the brethren, but many leaders under demonic influence function as “abusers of the brethren.”

The reason why emotional and spiritual abuse are so devastating is that people in spiritual authority represent God, and when these leaders abuse their authority, it is often very difficult for their victims to distinguish between the pain of the abuse and their personal relationship with the Lord. If you have suffered from spiritual abuse, I want you to truly understand this: God did not abuse you, although those representing Him did.

People who are the victims of spiritual abuse can experience soul wounds that are very difficult to overcome. Thankfully, the power of God is greater than the pain of abuse. Our heavenly Father is more than able to heal and restore us when we call upon Him with a heart of sincerity and humility. We may also need to seek help from a trusted Christian counselor.

I remember speaking to someone who had been the victim of extreme spiritual abuse. They had received false prophetic words from their pastor that convinced them to marry a person who happened to be a witch. They were constantly criticized, judged, and controlled by this pastor. They were even told that if they left the fellowship, they would become sick and die. Friends, this type of controlling behavior is demonic! If you find yourself under this kind of abusive leadership, I recommend that you leave immediately and seek counsel from a licensed counselor or other minister who is qualified to give insight in this area.

Another form of spiritual and emotional abuse is when those in church leadership use their influence and power to draw people to themselves rather than to God. This is a form of witchcraft. When people become more committed to their pastor than to Jesus Himself, this is a serious problem. Please do not get me wrong:believe in honoring those in authority over us. However, when honor becomes worship, there is another spirit at work besides the Holy Spirit. We should all love our spiritual leaders and hold them in high esteem. We should even do our best to bless them as much as possible. But again, these things should be done as unto the Lord, according to Scripture; and doing so should draw us closer to God, not create dissonance and chaos in our spiritual lives.

Spiritual abuse can also be wielded in the form of mind games.

Many Christians are literally losing their minds while sitting under certain leaders in the church who “gaslight” them (manipulate them psychologically) but then deny their words and behavior in a way that makes the people under them question their own sanity.

Here are some signs that you are under spiritual abuse:

Decreased ability to hear God’s voice Unproductive spiritual and emotional life Fear of man Constant spiritual and physical infirmity Isolation from family members and friends No longer able to make rational decisions Constant strife and confusion in one’s spiritual life Regression in one’s spiritual life Calamity and devastation in one’s life Extreme financial lack and poverty☕️Kynan Bridges

[theelvenhaven]

Dating Maedhros

Having PTSD

A/N: This won't pertain to a specific trauma and shouldn't have any triggers in it. I have portrayed PTSD from my personal experience of having it, and I know it will not resemble everyone's experience. So please be mindful of that, and since I didn't choose a specific trauma it will be on the vaguer side of things. The setting is in Valinor post Beleriand and Oath.

* * *

❂ When it comes to dealing with trauma, there is no one more understanding than Maedhros about the whole ordeal and what comes with living with PTSD.

❂ While Maedhros' own previous experience with PTSD may look different than your current experience, it doesn't mean that he's going to be unempathetic or have the inability to understand what you are going through.

❂ He is incredibly supportive when you come out with your diagnosis to him, and is essentially asks you how can he best support you.

❂ If you are unsure about how you can best be supported, Maedhros tells you that he will help you find ways through it.

❂ The first thing that he starts with is making sure that you are seeing Healers, since you are in Valinor you have the best care imaginable.

❂ He knows what it is like to be without the help and having to muddle through survival skills to be able to make it through the day, he doesn't want you to deal with the same thing.

❂ Maedhros is happy to attend those long therapy sessions with you as he wants to know what are the healthiest ways to help you through things like flashbacks and disassociation.

❂ When you disassociate, Maedhros can tell by the far off look in your eyes and how distracted you seem to be and takes the time to help reground you.

❂ Going through the five sense grounding technique with you, he walks you through it gently and is very supportive in these moments as he tries to help you get back to yourself.

❂ He knows he can only do so much, but very much still supports and walks you through how to ground yourself.

❂ Maedhros encourages you to talk about how you're feeling with him, and will take the time to relate with you about the things he went through.

❂ It is probably no secret in Valinor post Beleriand that Maedhros went through some horrible scarring things, things that gave him PTSD at the time.

❂ He just wants you to know that even though he has healed from it, that you aren't alone in this struggle.

❂ When it comes to dealing with panic attacks that come with your PTSD, Maedhros is always coaching you through them.

❂ He helps you with numerous different measures until he find one that works for you and being able to regulate yourself again.

❂ Some of those methods may include him walking you through the 4-7-8 breathing technique- inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds until you feel like you can breathe easy and not as panicked.

❂ If that doesn't work then he will try things like pressure- that may come in the form of a firm hug or a weighted vest/blanket.

❂ Things like a quiet place to sit and a way to talk through what you're feeling in a calm manner is a given and Maedhros won't hesitate to employ that tactic as soon as he can feel you panicking.

❂ When it comes to dealing with your flashbacks, Maedhros is quick to stop whatever it is he is doing that may have triggered it.

❂ No matter what it is, he finds you a safe place to sit and talk to you through it in hopes that it will help you come out of it.

❂ One big thing that Maedhros is adamant that you are honest with him about is your triggers so he knows what to avoid.

❂ Whether its a topic, or a word, a certain smell or place, Maedhros wants to know so you two can avoid it at all costs to prevent triggering you into a spiral.

❂ While he may know how to help you through a lot of the things when it comes to dealing and living with PTSD he encourages that you work with your healers.

❂ He won't really accept no as an answer since it is available to you, and on your lowest days when you feel the worst, Maedhros sees to a Healer coming to you when you can't go to them.

❂ Regardless you will have a very mental health savvy partner who is more than willing to help you learn to cope with the trauma you've experienced.

* * *

Tags: @saviorsong @lilmelily @dicksoutformtl @fandomhoe101 @celebrimbor-telperinquar @red-riding @miriel-estelwen @ta-ka-shi-ma @nerdysimpy @thegirlwithoutaname87 @anunexpectedsideblog @spidergirla5 @eunoiaastralwings @eternalabysss @noldorinpainter

[system-of-a-feather]

hi, I think I might have DID, but I also don’t know if I’m for some reason faking it for attention, though I haven’t even told anyone of my suspicions? and i’m a minor so i can’t really get myself screened and i don’t trust my parents enough to tell them. if you could provide any guidance or anything, i would appreciate it so much <3

I strongly do not recommend doing much digging into DID or potentially having a system as a minor unless symptoms are overtly getting intrusive because processing and working through DID is a lot for someone who is still living in an unsafe environment and limited tools to help their own situation out. If you do some personally digging into your experiences, I VERY strongly do not recommend doing trauma work without a professional as a minor living in an unsafe environment.

I know that sounds possibly like me saying "don't try to heal". That is not what I mean, I would recommend focusing on learning and establishing fundamental coping skills - grounding techniques, trying to learn what makes you feel safe, trying to find safe ways to handles increased emotions and symptomology, trying to establish healthy and safe friendships and peers, looking into less-trauma centered symptoms that might not be related to DID but play a role into how you are experiencing things.

Personally, I was aware of having a system around age of 14 and that led to a lot of compounding issues and unfortunate situations because I was 1) incapable of doing much about my situation and 2) overloaded with my age-appropriate identity issues and the stressors of middle school and highschool and 3) had little room to actually have people to support. I didn't really know much of DID until I was like 16 (beyond that I totally couldn't have it I just have people in my head), and didn't actually really think I had it until I was diagnosed.

With that being said, I am very very thankful I was able to get two years of foundational therapy before I even really addressed the DID too directly to get some understanding on how to cope with OCD, PTSD, and to just have someone who could help me navigate surviving highschool and living at home.

I'm very very much of the personal opinion that minors who think they might have DID should probably hold off before jumping into the DID community or digging into it too much, because going through being a mentally ill teenager in an unsafe environment is already a lot to process and deal with and I think its much more important for those teenagers and minors to focus on being a teenager and trying to get through that hard period rather than focusing on the intense complexities that comes with DID.

Additionally, if you do have DID, the first stage in most professional treatment is stabilization which involves learning and gaining a lot of coping tools and self awareness as well as communication with parts. Trauma work and intensely trying to understand every part and all the trauma all parts hold is something we - having been in treatment for 6 years and DID focused treatment for 4 - are only just starting to actually open up.

Having recently cleared "stabilization" for the most part, I very very very very firmly support that it is a very very very important stage in recovering with DID and its very very very important to not skip that stage. Obtaining the coping skills, internal trust, and secure base within yourself is very very important to being able to handle the brunt of the trauma that comes with DID.

So with that said, my best advice would be to probably try to not think too much about having DID or not having DID, but to just look at what things are distressing you and focusing on self care, coping, and how to better care and help yourself because regardless of if you have DID or not, it is something you will likely need to do and at your current age and place in life, that is probably a much more effective, healthier, and safer form of healing to focus on with the resources you have.

I know it isn't easy or always possible, because I too was a mentally ill minor with parents that I could not trust, but if there is a way to get to see any professional for any mental health condition, I would really suggest giving it ago. I was talking to some friends about this, and some therapists suck, so if you do get one bad one, I am sorry and please don't write treatment off, but having a therapist is often better than none.

If you aren't comfortable saying "I think I have trauma" which is completely understandable for many reasons, a little "I was a minor who had abusive parents" trick that worked for me was to pick the LEAST offensive LEAST image breaking (for them) and most beneficial (for them) disorder / mental health issue and pushing that very very hard to just see someone.

We got into therapy first by leveraging a situation that made them more prone to being concerned for once, honestly intentionally played up our distress massively, and insisted that we were really severely distressed about our Trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling) and that I really couldn't cope with it on my own and I really really needed a professional's help because "it is causing permanent damage to my skin / hair follicles and I might never be able to grow them back and if I never do that then I can't get a job because I look mentally ill" and the "can't get a job" sold my parents enough that they put me into "temporary therapy for 13 weeks"

I'll just tell you that I've been in therapy since.

Anyways, I hope that helped and I hope you can get the help you need sooner than later. Being a minor is hard. Being mentally ill is hard. High school is very hard. You are in a really really difficult place at the moment and I'm proud you are keeping strong. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. ^^

-Riku (Host)

[avelera]

Speaking of Behind the Scenes stuff for my dreamling fic Giving Sanctuary, I've got the last two arcs pretty firmly plotted but there were a few scenes along the way that got cut and a few ideas for scenes that just never found a place. At the risk of them showing up later, which at this point I doubt, I thought I'd discuss a few that never made it in and some reasons why:

(Cut for spoilers)

1 ) More stuff about Eleanor. Specifically, to have one of Hob's nightmares (aka, PTSD episodes) tied to holding Eleanor's hand as she died in childbirth.

This is my biggest regret for a plotline that did not make it into the story but that I really, truly, don't see a place for given what is left. Most likely, if it occurs at all, it would be off-screen and mentioned at some later point as one of the nightmares Dream eventually dispatched for Hob.

There's a few reasons why more about Eleanor and her death did not make it into the story. I think the primary one is that it felt somewhat repetitive with the Robyn nightmare of losing a loved one and unlike the loss of Robyn, Eleanor's death isn't something Hob could bond with Dream over to quite the same extent.

All it would really do in practice is reiterate some stuff we already more or less know about Hob's trauma: that he lost his wife in childbirth. Nothing really new is learned there and, if anything, it would more likely distance Dream from him rather than draw them together as Robyn's death memory did because Dream would be shown in great detail someone else Hob loved, even if he lost them. It's not equivalent to Hob meeting Calliope at all, since Hob was eventually shown that Calliope really is done with Dream (and has been for millennia) but Dream would understand and perhaps in his fatalistic way attach to the idea that Hob is still mourning and therefore in love with Eleanor (unlikely to move on) if he was exposed to that memory of Hob's.

Also, I don't want to belittle Eleanor's role in Hob's life or the impact of her loss on his trauma (as a married person and a woman, the last thing I want to do is imply Hob's chosen wife was somehow lesser in his life!), but it was categorically less traumatic for him than Robyn's death, for a variety of reasons. One being: Hob has had many lovers die at this point. It's awful and tragic but it wouldn't have been an entirely new experience for him.

Second, he had someone there for him after and someone he had a responsibility to look after in return after he lost Eleanor, which was Robyn as a ten year old child. Hob didn't have the luxury of wallowing in Eleanor's lost, he had a young son to care for.

Third, just based on my own anecdotal observations over the years, widowers don't necessarily bounce back from losing a spouse, (indeed many many people are utterly destroyed by losing a partner) but losing a child tends to hit parents much, much harder than even losing their spouse. And Hob doesn't strike me as someone who would fall into the spiral we see in the 1600s just from the loss of a lover. He's lost lovers and partners before. He was resigned to the fact he would one day lose Eleanor, if not so soon. He lived in a world with an average 20% chance of a woman dying in childbirth, he would know many people who had lost a spouse that way.

But losing a child who had successfully reached adulthood, Robyn at age 20, an accomplishment that can't be overlooked for the time. As the person that Hob had rebuilt his entire life around with Eleanor gone, it was Robyn's death that really knocked him down into the spiral that lasted 80 years. Hob didn't take serious lovers after Eleanor in GS, specifically so there'd be no challenge to Robyn's birthright, no question of dividing up Hob's fortune. He really had his entire life focused on Robyn at that point. Losing Robyn left Hob completely unmoored in the world.

So, anyway, there's multiple writerly and plot reasons not to show the impact of Eleanor's death on Hob. It was plotted to be there at the beginning indeed, at one point I thought the structure of the entire story would be based around Dream finding and dispatching Hob's points of trauma with flashbacks. But then the Robyn one was so powerful, at least for me, that backtracking to show Eleanor after seemed repetitive and a distraction from the plot by that point, which was Dream and Hob falling in love. The Naxos arc really spelled the end of that, given how long it got, and how it really refocused the story specifically on their loss of their sons and Dream and Hob's love story that emerges from that.

(At the risk of this post already being too long:)

2 ) Another plotline was going to focus on Hob leaving the manor house to walk around London with Dream and having some panic attacks around that. This was another casualty of the Naxos arc, where obviously Hob left the house and had a different sort of panic attack about being left alone in the world by Dream, such that one that takes place in London would be redundant and while based more deeply on his recent PTSD triggers, a panic attack around his own ability to survive alone would be less realistic given he's already been shown to be able to survive in London and would eventually pull himself back together if abandoned there (as we know from 1789 in canon). At least in London, Hob would have more resources at his disposal (like knowing his way around surviving there and speaking the same language) than he does when he has the full on panic attack in Naxos at the prospect of just how entirely screwed he would be, short of getting lucky enough to happen upon an English merchant ship of some sort of hitching a ride back to England as a crew member.

But originally, going back into the city of London was going to be a PTSD episode of its own for Hob. Some elements of this still might happen later in the fic, but it made more sense when the story was focused on finding and dispatching his PTSD triggers specifically, rather than the more back-and-forth of care between him and Dream established by the Naxos arc. Among the things Hob might have encountered in London that set him off were loud, intrusive crowds, people staring at him, a public execution/bodies of executed young men (ie, reminders of Robyn), and the sight of blood in stockyards (reminders of Eleanor's death in childbirth).

Short of it just being a misery tour and a history lecture on life in the 1600s, there were only a few fleeting moments in it that I was particularly attached to and again, I prefer how the Robyn memory worked out, as it was originally going to be much bloodier when triggered by a walk through London, showing Hob seeing his son's body as the point of trauma, but the fact it ended up being the lack of closure and saying goodbye to his son that really kicked off Hob's spiral of misery and agoraphobia felt less overdone and more poignant.

tl;dr Those really are the two biggest ones that don't really have a place with where the story is going. I feel some loss at them not making it in, mostly for how it leaves a bit of a bait-and-switch in the structure where it seems like Dream's focus is just going to be pinpointing and eliminating Hob's PTSD triggers via magical hypnosis therapy, but IMO the way the story has evolved since Naxos is richer and more interesting than that structure, and what Hob actually needs, more than magical hypnosis therapy, is someone he loves to be there for him in his life, and the same applies to Dream, and that theme is the one we'll be exploring in greater depth, over and above the specific traumatic episodes of their past, except where those intertwine and have a mirror in one another.

[informationsorter]

Let's talk about self diagnosing.

(This is purely a personal opinion piece.)

CW: Descriptions of hypothetical physical injury.

So I'm going to start off by immediately settling your minds - I believe self diagnosis can be both good and bad. I’m not here to judge, gatekeep, or vilify. *************************************************************

A quick overview of the sections: 3 problems/examples. 5 questions/opinions.

 *************************************************************

Determining that you have an issue, does not mean that it is the only issue.

Lets start with a hypothetical example where the self diagnosis is obviously correct:

- You've fallen down the stairs. - You can see a bone sticking out of your leg. - You deduce that you have broken your leg.

This is almost certainly accurate, as there is no healthy explanation for the visible evidence.

However, this may not be the whole story.

What we’re really doing in this situation is identifying symptoms and possible/probably causes.

The symptoms are: - Pain. - Visible evidence of a broken bone. - Visible evidence of wounded skin. - Probably experiencing shock - Pale, cold, clammy skin. Shallow, rapid breathing. Anxiety. Rapid heartbeat. Etc.

The probable diagnosis: A broken leg bone.

When you arrive at the hospital, they will do an x-ray. They may discover additional injuries, for instance the bone may be broken in several places, a tendon may have been severed.

Their treatment of your issues relies on the full knowledge that they are able to learn via their tests. If they (somehow) were to treat only your broken bone and the flesh wound, you would likely end up with further health problems as the extra broken bones were not set properly, and the severed tendon would not heal on it's own.

This is a rather ridiculous example of course, but that's why I started with it.

You may believe that you know what the issue is, but if you do not have the right equipment/training, you may not be able to identify the full extent of the issue.

Even if you know what the issue is, you may not be able to determine the full impact of it.

For example: - You notice that whenever you eat citrus, your mouth and tongue start tingling/going numb. There may be also be symptoms such as sweating, feeling faint, swelling of lips/tongue. You conclude that you are allergic to citrus. You act on this by avoiding citrus. That’s all fine and reasonable. However, with this information you only know that you have a reaction to citrus. You don’t know the full extent. Are you mildly allergic? Are you at risk of anaphylactic shock? Sometimes you do not need to know the full extent (in this example you can simply avoid lemon). But sometimes you DO need to learn everything you can about it, in order to live the best life possible. 

Especially when the issue is not something easily avoided such as a minor food allergy.

You might group all of your symptoms together, leading to you accidentally obscuring one issue by presenting it as another.

(An example using some of my own symptoms & past trauma experiences.)

You have diagnosed yourself with autism based on the following symptoms:

- Difficulty forcing eye contact with others.

- Inability to read the invisible social cues that neurotypical’s can see/read.

- Discomfort/anxiety in social settings / large groups.

- An extreme feeling of mental shutdown in response to loud noises/music.

These could indeed be symptoms of autism, however they can also be symptoms of other issues in play.

For instance, discomfort or anxiety in social settings could be due to an anxiety disorder.

The loud noises/music may mimic sounds from traumatic events - initiating flashbacks or fight/flight/freeze instincts.

You go to a therapist.

Your therapist listens to your concerns and symptoms, and looks for other explanations for these symptoms.

This is to ensure that the diagnosis they give you will be accurate, and thus the treatment you receive will be the most effective treatment possible for you.

If you did not go to the therapist with this, you may have been able to deal with the autism symptoms fairly well, but the anxiety and PTSD would go untreated. Your problems would not go away, because you weren’t treating ALL of your issues.

When do I believe it is acceptable to self diagnose without seeking professional verification of your self diagnosis?

- When the issue/symptoms do not affect your life in any substantial way;

- When the issue is self evident;

- When there is no indication that there is an unseen element;

- When the issue does not require urgent or extensive treatment.

Eg: Mild allergy to citrus, which can easily be avoided in your daily life.

In this sort of case, I believe it is important to stay aware of the symptoms and immediately seek a professional opinion if there is a change in severity, frequency, or perceived cause, of these symptoms.

Eg: One day you have a drink that had a lemon wedge on the rim, and the symptoms are far stronger, or appear far sooner, than they used to.

Or:

One day you have the same reaction, but you did not consume any citrus.

When do I believe that it is helpful to ask a professional to confirm/refute your self assessment?

Always.

There may be situations where the professional can’t offer any treatment (eg: a mild food allergy, where avoiding it is all that can be done). But if you feel anxiety over the uncertainty of it, and you want a professional assessment, diagnosis, or testing, you are of course entitled to it.

Whether it pinpoints a cause, or rules out a cause, finding out for sure will increase the chances of you receiving appropriate treatment.

Additionally, professional tests and assessments can identify previously unnoticed symptoms and/or issues.

(Such as additional injuries in example 1, or separate disorders in example 3.)

Do I believe that you should tell your health professional that you have self-diagnosed / self-assessed your symptoms?

Yes.

Especially with mental health issues, where your therapist’s assessment of you may be affected erroneously by them noticing that you are holding something back.

They may believe you are uncomfortable with them, or have some trust issues which you may not have.

If you simply tell your therapist that you have recorded your symptoms and searched for answers on your own, the therapist will be able to make a more accurate assessment of you.

It also gives them a good starting point, as they immediately know that the issue is concerning to you, and that you are ready to seek help for it.

Any health professional worth their training should be able to understand that you seeking explanations for your symptoms is natural, and should be willing to look into something that you are concerned about.

Eg: I told my GP (physical health doctor) that I was concerned about a specific lung condition which seemed to fit symptoms that I had been experiencing for over a decade. He listened, he asked further questions, he performed tests for the condition I had brought up, and he performed tests for other possible explanations.

In the end he determined that I did not have that condition, and we went from there.

Why do health professionals dislike self-diagnosis?

The issue with self diagnosis is that a patient can become convinced that they have something that they do not actually have.

This can lead to the patient: - Misinterpreting symptoms - Ignoring symptoms which do not fit their self-diagnosis - Unintentionally manifesting somatic symptoms which fit the self-diagnosis (this refers to a patient believing they have a condition, and their body beginning to show those symptoms. This is not the same as purposefully faking.) - Refusing testing for something other than their self-diagnosed issue - Refusing to accept that there may be a different issue - Refusing to accept that there may be additional issues - Resorting to self-help remedies which may be ineffective or actively dangerous to the patient

They aren’t just being difficult or elitist - they are concerned that your self-diagnosis may impact their ability to accurately diagnose and help you.

This is a particular concern when the health professional doesn’t know you well enough to be able to determine how much your belief will impact your symptoms, or whether you will be open to treatment if they determine a diagnosis which conflicts with your self-diagnosis.

Your health professional has YOUR health and safety in mind.

(If you believe this isn’t true, you should seek a second opinion.)

Should your health professional just accept your self-diagnosis?

It is your therapist’s duty to independently assess your symptoms, and possible causes for those symptoms.

It is not an attack on you, it is not a sign of distrust.

Think of it like scientists - they don’t just say “oh well that guy’s experiment showed these results, so they must be correct.” They go out and duplicate the experiment to check their results against the original results.

Yes, it’s not a perfect metaphor. No two people’s life experiences are the same. No two people’s brains will react identically to the same thing.

But the spirit is the same - in both cases, doing the extra work is to ensure that the stated result is accurate, NOT to discredit or demean the person who originally stated it.

  What if you are certain you have a certain issue, and will not be persuaded otherwise?

I urge you to rethink this, and open your mind.

You want to heal from whatever it is that is interfering with your best life.

You want answers.

You want validation that such-and-such issue isn’t a personal failing but a neuro-divergency.

Those are great goals, but the best way to find the truth is to be open to explanations that you may not like.

And the only way to know it’s the truth, is to be honest and objective about yourself.

[gogglor]

Cap-Ironman RecWeek: Tropey Tuesday

Over the past year my pandemic brain decided it would produce happy chemicals exclusively by reading and writing Stony fanfiction. On the advice of counsel, I decided to take my happy chemicals where I could get’em. And the result is that I’ve had the tremendous pleasure of reading some absolutely incredible works of art by some immensely talented people. And since it’s @cap-ironman RecWeek, I figured this is as good of an excuse as any to make some posts recommending my favs (and try to keep self-recs to a minimum, but I’m only human).

I skipped Multiverse Monday since I’m still not well-versed enough in the multiverse to talk about it with any kind of recommendational authority, but today is Tropey Tuesday, and so I would like to share some fics from my all-time-favorite, major-reason-I-bother-with-the-MCU, gets-me-every-time trope:

Found Family

And so, without further ado, here are some Found Family Stony fics that I simply adore.

Avengers Family Ficlets

Author: elwenyere

Word Count: 8,548

Summary: “You built a neural network that analyzes squash,” Bruce said flatly, “and you attached it to a laser.” A collection of short stories set in the extended Domestic Avengers Universe.

Why You Should Read It:

Thing number one that you should understand about me is that I would be perfectly happy with a story about body-less entities making funny quips at each other in  a featureless void, and anything else is just a bonus. Elwenyere’s stories consistently get the banter down so unbelievably, ridiculously well that when you find out they also have heart, creativity, well-developed characters, and so much damn feeling in them, it feels like an embarrassment of riches.

Go read all of their stuff, please, but this one’s a great place to start. It’s got everything you could possibly want in a fic: over-competitive pumpkin carving, emotional hospital confessions, Christmas decorations that come to life and attack people, crab dip, Steve Rogers accidentally ruining Thanksgiving through the sheer power of his own snark, and most importantly, a bunch of human disasters that somehow make a beautiful family together.

Executive Party

Author: copperbadge

Word Count: 3,228

Summary: Tony's terrible December is suddenly looking up.

Why You Should Read It:

Copperbadge is another author where you should read everything they’ve put out there. They’ve got this phenomenally creative mind that manages to consistently draw out deeply human stories that can kinda catch you off-guard in the places they find touching moments. You might’ve heard of their very popular Foodieverse, which is an incredibly creative AU with the Avengers in the food service industry, but this is the one I come to whenever I’m looking to indulge in my favorite trope.

Tony’s looking forward to spending the night before SI breaks for Christmas doing paperwork. Steve gets the Avengers to have an impromptu video game Christmas Party in his office instead. Cb’s also got a gift for banter (I have a type when it comes to writers, ok?), and the little details like Steve’s carnage record on GTA, Natasha’s Russian appreciation for country music, and Steve’s SHIELD break-up mixtape make it just a goddamn delight to read.

patchwork people

Author: itsAllAvengers

Word Count: 28,247

Summary: It was a pretty well-known fact that Tony Stark had control issues.It was far less well-known why, though.

CW: Past abuse and non-con (not by main pairing)

Why You Should Read It:

If you’re the kind of person who regularly thinks to themself “You know what Tony Stark needs? More trauma,” then this is the fic  for you.

Tony’s got some serious trust issues and PTSD thanks to some shitty, shitty exes. This is the story about how Tony learns to trust again, Avenger by Avenger, in his new Found Family. Come for the Whump, stay for the found family insomnia infomercial parties and Steve Rogers getting arrested for enacting some sweet, sweet karmic justice.

And now we get into a sub-genre of Found Family that is also a huge weakness of mine: Tony thinks he’s only tolerated instead of wanted, and his found family convinces him otherwise.

Some Things Shouldn’t Be a Chore

Author: scifigrl47

Word Count: 22,187

Summary: Steve takes things like personal responsibility and respect seriously. Tony's got people he pays to take care of that kind of thing, and anyway, he's pretty sure that he's going to die of some exotic disease in his workshop, because Dummy's still a little spotty about what is 'clean' enough to put on an open wound.  The rest of the Avengers are in this for personal gain, except for Clint, he just enjoys being a dick. And some things shouldn't be a chore.

Why You Should Read It:

Honestly it feels a bit like cheating to recommend the first work in scifigrl47′s tremendously popular Toasterverse, since I’m pretty sure a lot of people who don’t even like or regularly read fanfiction have liked this one, even indirectly. Sci is so ludicrously good at building an engaging, creative, character-driven universe that this series is responsible for most of the fanon you know and love about MCU fanfics. Tony’s bot Butterfingers? Sci made him up for this story. Thor’s love of Pop Tarts? Clint the vent goblin? All sci. They’re just that damn good at world-building.

In this fic, the Avengers try out a chore chart. Hilarity and feels ensue. I don’t want to say anymore and risk spoiling it because if you’ve managed to get far enough in Stony fanfiction to read this post and haven’t yet read the Toasterverse, I want to keep the experience pristine for you to enjoy. Please read this. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll reserve a hypothetical genie wish to make this series the actually canon MCU (God knows I have).

Hold the Things You Wanna Say

Author: SailorChibi

Word Count: 6,316

Summary: Tony is still a consultant, and between SI, the team and SHIELD he's overworked and exhausted. That's okay. He and Steve have been having sex for weeks but that's all it is, just sex, and Tony wants more but he'll never get it and that's okay. Really. What's not okay is the fact that Howard Stark has somehow appeared in the future and is the same as always. This is definitely going to fuck up his schedule.

CW: Abuse, Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting

Why You Should Read It:

SailorChibi’s one of those authors I’ve been meaning to get around to reading all their stuff for, but it’s tricky when you have a short attention span and an author that is just so damn prolific. They’re a multi-fandom maven consistently putting out some really great stuff, and they’re absolutely worth checking out.

This story’s a real yank on the heartstrings, and as someone who can really identify with Tony’s fear of failing the people he cares about, the point in the story where he reaches his low is just unbelievably poignant. But the warmth and the wholesomeness of the end made my heart grow three sizes the day I read it. And the love that all these idiots have for each other is just so damn palpable in this story, it damn near made me cry.

Irreplaceable

Author: Orphan Account :(

Word Count: 4,952

Summary: There are obvious downsides to being the only member of the Avengers who is not a super soldier, a god, or a super assassin, and does not Hulk out when aggravated. The most obvious one is that when villains want bait, they've got a go-to guy. Tony already knew Mondays sucked. He did not need his opinion reinforced this way.

Why You Should Read It:

It’s such a bummer I can’t plunder this author’s other works because I love this one so much!

Tony gets kidnapped and says a lot of self-deprecating things that, unbeknownst to him, are projected on a live feed to the Avengers. They rescue him and have some opinions about how easily he could be replaced. This story’s got Tony hiding from feelings like an idiot, Steve manually carrying Tony somewhere the Avengers can say nice things about him, and a lot of feels.

That’s it for today! Tune in tomorrow for some AU recs!

[aiyexayen]

re: that "I'll live for you post" - WHERE'S THE ESSAY

this post? [innocent face]

alright, alright, JUST TWIST MY ARM WHY DON'T YOU, just force me to talk more about my boys!

4.9k word essay under the cut

Wei Wuxian

Let us take a look at Wei Wuxian first. Wei Wuxian has no problems throwing himself in-between the people he loves and danger, or even certain death. Hell, sometimes he just throws himself into it for fun and profit!

To some extent, putting yourself in danger to help others and being willing to die is something of a cultivator thing in general, a hero thing in general, right? And Wei Wuxian is a prodigy, exceptionally strong and clever, so he has more reason than most to be a little cavalier. But most of the point of training so hard as a cultivator and getting strong and aligning yourself with a sect is kind of so you can be in real danger of dying as little as possible, one would presume.

So we're going to set aside the danger-as-a-profession thing for now, because I think it's only tangentially related.

The real point is, Wei Wuxian is sacrificial to a fault. If there is a problem, he decides he's the one who needs to fix it. And his first go-to solution is to throw himself at it, to give up anything of himself if it's viable. As clever as he is, if he finds a workable solution that involves his own sacrifice, he doesn't stop to look for anything else.

Some of it is pride--not wanting to admit he needs help from anyone else, and the shame of being seen as weak.

Some of it is arrogance--a very natural kind given his competence, the presumption that he knows best in a given situation (neurodivergent arrogance walking hand-in-hand with self-esteem issues is always a fun time).

Some of it is appropriate--ranging from his own moral imperative to protect the weak and do what's right to his understanding of his place in culture and in his own sect and relationships.

Some of it is a natural bent toward caretaking, "fixing," and heroics--someone has to do it, so it's going to be Wei Wuxian. He won't hesitate to take initiative in any other area of life, and this is no exception.

And some of it, yes, is a lack of value placed in his own life--between a more youthful, dramatic perspective on 'I would die for you/for this cause' taking priority in his worldview, and some genuine self-esteem issues. Issues largely stemming from his uncertain place in the world growing up and his uncertain relationship with parental/guardian/master and other familial figures, all stewing under the surface and brought to light sharply when the world went to shit and choices were made and he lost or seemed to have lost everything from his reputation to his home to his extant support structures. The paranoia and voices in his head (the ptsd and resentful-energy-as-ptsd-metaphor both) only drove that home.

Basically, Wei Wuxian was already trending in some unfortunate directions but his circumstances and the people surrounding him kept him grounded, and the events of the story as it unfolded really pushed him all in. No one thing or one person--even Wei Wuxian himself--is really to blame for that, which is the beauty of the story really.

I also think Wei Wuxian started to buy into some of his own stories at his lowest points--the things he said or came up with, lies he told publicly, justifications he made for his choices once the heat of the moment and the panic was over. Justifications he made to himself and to others. He purposefully led people to believe much that was incorrect about him and his character and his status, to which the response was distaste and horror, and even though he planned it that way in order to push everyone away I really think he started to believe it himself. Depression and trauma are just really fun times.

I'm getting a bit off-topic.

The point remains, Wei Wuxian is extremely sacrificial. He comes by much of it naturally, and not nearly all of it is bad or melodrama or angst or even unhealthy or problematic. It's one of his good qualities, too, and it's one of the ways he knows how to love.

All of the threads weaving together to make Wei Wuxian and the situations he finds himself sacrificing things in are all true, but it also really comes down to love. He loved Jiang Cheng enough to sacrifice his everything and risk his life doing so. He loved his sect enough he was willing to sacrifice his right hand. He loved his sect enough to sacrifice his very ties to it. He loved Lan Zhan enough to sacrifice their friendship. He loved Jin Ling enough to sacrifice himself to the curse he got in the Nie tombs. (And more!)

Wei Wuxian loved, and so he sacrificed. Thus, the initial post.

Jiang Cheng

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk about my darling Jiang Wanyin.

Ah, Jiang Cheng, Jiang Cheng. Taking the initiative and sacrificing at the drop of a hat and so forth are not really characteristics of Jiang Cheng's the same way they are for Wei Wuxian.

And yet, is he not also a disciple of Yunmeng Jiang; is he not also a young hero? Has he not pride, and the incentive to do good?

Does he not also see love as sacrifice?

Zi Zhizhu was his mother. The woman who sacrificed to get Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian to safety. The woman who killed herself and crawled across the ground to hold her husband's hand in death.

You think she wasn't Like That the whole time? You think Jiang Cheng picked up nothing of such behaviours from her, even before that day?

Hah.

Besides which, there's absolutely an underlying theme of Jiang Cheng trying to be like Wei Wuxian for much of their lives.

Partially just...Wei Wuxian, strong and clever and popular shige, always manages to get credit and glory and good stories and good favour, exemplary of the Jiang motto--the one Jiang Cheng's own name is tied to. They were supposed to be shuangjie, besides. How could he not want to be like him at least a bit? If nothing else, it's a little brother's curse.

And partially this is also due to Jiang Cheng's parents and that whole Situation.

It was complicated for so many reasons, and absolutely left Jiang Cheng feeling inferior to Wei Wuxian. As though he needed to be more like Wei Wuxian, to emulate him, in order to be worthy of his title and station and inheritance, something that turned out to be categorically untrue in the end. There are many kinds of leaders, and many kinds of strengths.

As an aside, I personally think that's something Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan knew, themselves, as adults and leaders and political figures in their own rights. Adults often don't realise or think about how the things they say can influence children's entire worldviews and senses of self (why, no, I don't speak from experience, why would you ask such a thing ahaha).

Jiang-zongzhu and Zi Zhizhu got a lot of their own relationship difficulties and misunderstandings and conflicts and conflicting attempts to want the best for their children (and ward) tangled up in everything. I think if they'd ever been able to speak plainly, if they could manifest into the Ancestral Hall and speak to Jiang Cheng, they would say so.

Just as Jiang Cheng would have cause to be horrified by much of what Wei Wuxian believed about himself, I think Jiang Cheng's parents would have cause to be horrified by much of what Jiang Cheng believed. (I mean, and Wei Wuxian, probably.)

Anyway.

Jiang Cheng has plenty of reasons to aspire to those same ideals of sacrifice. And it's not just aspirations, either--we see him follow through.

He walked outside from that inn, saw Wei Wuxian in danger, and made a decision in the space of a single breath--a decision with full understanding, too. He knew he was giving up his entire life for Wei Wuxian's. He said goodbye in his head.

I would argue (and I'm sure I've said this before somewhere too) that his sacrifice was the purest example of this in the entire story.

Perhaps some of it is that many of Wei Wuxian's sacrifices are premeditated and just about all of them have alternative solutions that don't involve him just diving in and giving pieces of himself up.

That isn't to say that Wei Wuxian wouldn't see a sword aimed at Jiang Cheng and take the blow himself. But we never see him do that, exactly. As much as Jiang Cheng has internalised this ideal of Wei Wuxian's, he both encounters fewer of these situations and has other problem-solving tactics in his repertoire.

The way Jiang Cheng hates himself doesn't lead him to think of himself as disposable. I could get into a (very amateur) discussion of negative schemas formed in childhood and their various similarities and differences, and the different ways Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's brains appear to work (Jiang Cheng sees himself as inferior, while Wei Wuxian willfully dehumanises himself in other ways), but basically, it's simply a different set of psychological issues.

But! When he is faced with the choice, Jiang Cheng absolutely dies for the ones he loves.

He loves his sect and his family, and he internalises love as sacrifice, and when it comes down to an extreme moment he chooses to die for them.

And then he doesn't die.

And then the war happens.

Jiang Cheng's Growth

There are a lot of reasons for Jiang Cheng to grow in this area, and I think it starts with inheriting the sect.

(This leads to excellent thoughts about What If Wei Wuxian Had Somehow Become Sect Leader but that's an au for another day.)

If sect heir was a position full of responsibility and reputation management, how much more so is zongzhu? Jiang Cheng is suddenly responsible for all these people. Whether he's good enough or not doesn't even matter. The job is there and it's inescapable and he's the only one there to do it.

I'm absolutely sure he still has all kinds of inferiority shit he's dealing with by post-timeskip and he only just gets to touch on some pieces of resolution by the end of the story, with the one person still in the world who would even know anything about the life that gave it to him.

Jiang Cheng has been responsible for people before, in small ways--night hunts and such, I'm sure, and he was certainly in charge of the Yunmeng Jiang disciples who went to Cloud Recesses. But being at the top of that hierarchy entirely is such a different matter, and he did so at a very young age and in a very fraught time.

The fact that he had to deal with all this new responsibility and duty to people more than his family and to causes greater than the first people in need he encounters is a huge perspective shift. Especially as a sect with nothing to give and no wiggle room where it comes not only to basic resources post-war, but to things like reputation and political standing. This is, of course, a huge facet to the conflict between him and Wei Wuxian (and the Wen remnants) at that point in the story.

But on a personal level it also speaks to the sacrifice thing. If Jiang Cheng sacrifices his life, he is not just sacrificing his own life anymore.

When he gave up his life for Wei Wuxian, he had not yet inherited. His parents were only barely gone. There was nothing to inherit. There was no surety of there ever being something to inherit ever again. Everything else was already gone. It was only the three of them, barely surviving, running for their lives. It was only him and Wei Wuxian in a street, and one of them had to die.

But once he inherits? He's a commander. He's a leader. He has all the knowledge and all the networking connections. He has the reputation. He has the social standing. He might still have a long way to go in developing his skills, but he has a natural leadership ability and he does have training appropriate to his station.

What happens if he personally sacrifices his life? What happens to all of that? What happens to everyone depending on him?

That's not very satisfying, very epic-worthy. That's not very dramatic or romantic. It's gradual, and messy, that kind of change and realisation. Becoming that kind of person. Making choices based in that reality. Deciding that you do not belong to yourself.

And I think it really comes to a head when his siblings die.

I think it comes to a head personally. Not just in his role as Jiang-zongzhu. We don't see Jiang Cheng choose not to die, in as many words. But we certainly see him choose to live.

Or, perhaps, we see the evidence of that choice.

Jiang Cheng could have faded away. He could have started delegating all his responsibilities, gotten help from other sects, trained up a replacement. He could have made such things necessary by getting more and more reclusive. He could have pulled a Qingheng-Jun.

Hell, with a-jie gone already, he could have just said fuck this and followed Wei Wuxian off that cliff, and if you don't think he wonders about that sometimes--at least at first--then we have very different interpretations of Jiang Cheng as a person.

And no, none of those are sacrifice. But at some point, he still chose to do the opposite.

He chose every day to live for his sect, to keep growing it into something powerful and secure. He took that vow that he made and he fucking stuck to it.

And he chose to live for Jin Ling.

I don't half wonder if that was a bigger driving force at first than anything else.

Jiang Cheng could absolutely have left Jin Ling to be raised by his Jin family in the absence of his parents and fucked off to hide away in Yunmeng and had nothing to do with him. He could have done a lot of things, let himself develop in a lot of ways, unhealthy ways.

But he so very clearly did not.

Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng have a close relationship. Jin Ling defers to Jiang Cheng, is answerable to him on night hunts and beyond them. It's never questioned why he's basically just in the Yunmeng Jiang party by himself. Yunmeng Jiang disciples answer to Jin Ling in turn, follow his orders without question in the absence of their zongzhu. It's a Yunmeng Jiang disciple who hands Xianzi off to Jin Ling outside the Guanyin Temple in Yunping, and Jiang Cheng is intimately familiar with Xianzi's commands and is apparently a trusted person to give them (which, we find out, Jin Guangyao is not.)

As much as Jiang Cheng is not good at saying what he means, and especially after everything he's been through his softer bits have grown harder and harder carapace around them, Jin Ling never seems to misunderstand what Jiang Cheng means. They snipe at each other and snark and bitch and roll their eyes and so clearly love each other.

Jiang Cheng's love for Jin Ling shines brightly the second you know how to interpret Jiang Cheng, and Jin Ling absolutely does. Jin Ling's trust in Jiang Cheng is incredible.

Jin Ling is practically Yunmeng Jiang's heir, and practically Jiang Cheng's son.

That sort of thing doesn't just happen, because you're related or whatever. In fact, the story goes out of its way to present blood relations not being close, especially father figures.

Which means from a young age, Jin Ling knew Jiang Cheng's love. Jiang Cheng, struggling young zongzhu of a struggling newly-rebuilt sect, who just lost everything, barely more than a kid himself, figured out he needed to not only stay alive, but needed to live for Jin Ling.

He needed to teach him everything, needed to figure out how to be the best of his own father and mother, and the best of Jin Ling's father and mother, and live up to every lost bit of love Jin Ling should have had, and try, and try, no matter how unworthy or unfit or inferior he felt. No matter how much he fucked up and didn't know. No matter how much grief he was dealing with. No matter how many people hated him and how few friends he had. No matter how much there was to do. No matter how overwhelming the endless tide of days, of forever in front of him felt, horrible and empty of everyone that had come before. Jiang Cheng still chose to live.

He carved out that new life because of love. He didn't die for anyone, and he didn't die for anyone's memory. He lived.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he did, for his sect, his disciples, his family's legacy, his siblings' memories, and Jin Ling.

And, as a bonus knife, the things we see him chide Jin Ling the most for? Are specifically things Wei Wuxian would have done, and even things he would have done in following him. Grandstanding, not asking for help when needed, wandering off alone, making unnecessary sacrifices.

Wei Wuxian's Growth

That brings us to Wei Wuxian coming back. And, well, the boy still has a long way to go. He goes through a lot of kinds of growth post-timeskip. And I think this is one of them.

For one, he's already fucking died once.

Honestly, almost ironically, that death wasn't even fully a sacrifice. Perhaps in some ways it was, in some ways he internalised that it was. But regardless, after all his sacrificing, he finally died. And, much like Jiang Cheng's sacrifice, it didn't stick. He woke back up. Albeit 16 years later.

Now, he wasn't keen on dying, or he maybe would have just gone back. But that doesn't mean he'd suddenly decided to live for anyone rather than die for them.

And, indeed, we still see that side of him come back with him in full force. He starts off by deciding he will just live this new life without Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan altogether.

I think, for Wei Wuxian, this matter of sacrifice ends up being tied into a lot of other pieces of his growth--none of it happens independently of each other.

First, he is shown and told that he is wanted. That's the first thing. He cannot simply go on without inconveniencing/endangering/roping anyone else into his shit because his ties to other people don't work in only one direction. He is wanted.

Lan Zhan wants to be at his side, has not forgotten him, and loves him unwaveringly. That is a huge first step, right there at the beginning, when Lan Zhan grabs his hand, and they make eye contact, and by the time Lan Zhan turns to look away Wei Wuxian is grabbing his hand back desperately and that pretty much says everything it needs to right there.

The idea that Wei Wuxian can act at all without having any negative affect on anyone tied to him is something we see even outside the concept of sacrifice--how many times before his death, even before his defection, do we see him say things like "you can insult me, but don't involve the Yunmeng Jiang sect" like. Like. Wei Wuxian please. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

So I think him realising that other people will willingly be tied to him and there's nothing he can do about it, that his actions affect the people who care about him all the time, is something he still has to learn/relearn even after everything that happened leading up to his death. I think, in particular, Wei Wuxian realising that it's not just his mistakes and fuckups that affect people, but his intentional actions, too. Like sacrifices. Even if they're at his own expense. Because people care and that's okay and good.

Lan Zhan drives that home with things like noticing that Wei Wuxian has transferred Jin Ling's curse to his own leg, and then insisting on carrying him.

Lan Zhan notices. Lan Zhan cares. This act of sacrifice does not end with Wei Wuxian suffering. It has cascading effects, even something this small. It is, perhaps, more effective a lesson on a small scale with fewer complexities woven in, than it would be on the larger scale issues he dealt with before his death.

This idea that his sacrifices affect people beyond him is carried through the rest of the story, too, from the way everyone seems to fret about him after the Burial Mounds and Lan Sizhui runs to hold him, down to the fact that he has to answer for how his sacrifice of his golden core to Jiang Cheng affects Jiang Cheng. Both the absence of his own golden core being a catalyst for a lot of other shit, and finding out about the core transfer actually fucking Jiang Cheng up. Which, it turns out, Wei Wuxian kind of knew would happen, he just thought he could get away with not dealing with it if he kept the secret better.

Wei Wuxian can't escape his sacrifices and his actions having an effect on those around him, the ones who care and the ones he cares about, or even the object of his sacrifice, and he really does have to have that hammered home.

He also deals with growth related to his pride and arrogance. He learns how to be weak, he learns how to have alternate forms of strength, he learns how to let others in, and let others stand with him.

Most of this is related to Lan Zhan, and I've already covered it at least somewhat in another meta, but it relates back to this, because those are two driving forces behind his sacrificial nature.

If Wei Wuxian is allowed to be weak, is allowed to hesitate, is allowed to go to others for help, is allowed to look for alternative solutions, that sets a better precedent for cutting down on the habitual self-sacrifice tendencies.

Additionally, he learns that others can and will stand with him in his sacrifices, when they are necessary.

Look at the way he pushes Lan Zhan away on the steps of Jinlintai, but Lan Zhan steps back toward him, and draws his sword, and declares his love before heaven and earth, saying in as many words that Wei Wuxian need not walk his path alone, and they fight together.

And the next time Wei Wuxian goes to sacrifice? In the Burial Mounds? He doesn't even think twice before volunteering Lan Zhan to stand with him. His entire plan revolves around the idea that Lan Zhan will stand with him--without even consulting Lan Zhan--and in doing so, they may be able to prevent Wei Wuxian from actually sacrificing his life.

Already we see him internalising a lot of that growth. He doesn't need to grandstand or prove himself; he doesn't care what everyone there thinks of him, and for the ones he does care about he is secure in their regard for him. He doesn't first attempt to sacrifice himself and be bait to draw the fierce corpses away while everyone including Lan Zhan runs off. He doesn't have to be convinced to accept Lan Zhan as part of his plan. He doesn't have to have Lan Zhan simply stay behind and then deal with the addition of him later.

Compare, if you will, the Xuanwu cave. Wei Wuxian absolutely expected everyone else to leave while he drew its attention, and Lan Zhan staying was not part of his original plan. Yes, later on they attacked the Xuanwu together, but that was different entirely. At first, he was just being bait to get everyone else to safety.

In the Burial Mounds? He's already worked Lan Zhan having his back into his plans.

It's still a sacrifice, but he's come a really long way about it.

So now that we've mitigated some of the sacrificial tendencies, modulated their effects on his choices, we come down to the "live for you instead of die for you" issue.

My positing that Wei Wuxian has reached this point by the end of the story has a lot more to do with having seen the patterns of his growth, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng regarding the issue of the golden core transfer being revealed, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan in general evolve, and watching him allow himself to have more and more attachments by the end of the story. And getting the overall vibe that living is now important, and there are things to live for in this world now that he's back in it.

However, if I had to narrow it down to one moment to exemplify this, I would point to the moment where he's caught around the neck by Jin Guangyao.

Wei Wuxian absolutely knows that if Lan Zhan sheathes Bichen, they're all fucked. Lan Zhan could easily take everyone here who would fight him, but not if he sheathes his sword and seals his spiritual power. And at this point it's increasingly likely that if they let themselves be captured they're simply not going to make it out alive. None of them. No matter what Jin Guangyao says.

Lan Zhan's best chance for survival and Jin Guangyao's best chance at being brought to justice/captured are one and the same in this moment--Lan Zhan keeping his sword, and either taking Jin Guangyao down himself or escaping to go fetch the assembled sect leaders and such at Lotus Pier.

Wei Wuxian knows this. It's why he begs Lan Zhan to be okay with his death and to do this Right Thing anyway.

Lan Zhan is not, and does not.

I don't think Wei Wuxian is surprised by this, to be fair.

But he could have ensured it would happen. He could have ensured that Jin Guangyao would go down. He could have ensured, more importantly, that Lan Zhan lived. He could have prevented Lan Zhan from sheathing Bichen to begin with.

He could have sacrificed himself.

It would have been incredibly easy at that point. All he had to do was fight back instead of hold still. Jin Guangyao was not bluffing, probably, though he just as surely knew if Wei Wuxian died then he was next, he counted on everyone wanting Wei Wuxian alive more than they wanted him dead. So if Wei Wuxian had tried to fight back or escape, he would have died.

Jin Guangyao would have been shocked, very very briefly. The resulting chaos would have seen everyone in custody who needed to be. Perfect.

And, you know, Lan Zhan would have been once more Wei-Ying-less.

Wei Wuxian very notably does not make this sacrifice. Even if it means they get captured. Even if it means they likely die together instead of only one of them dying. Even if that math is terrible on the surface of it.

He doesn't make Lan Zhan watch him die again. He doesn't presume that his loss means nothing. He doesn't presume that his life is not worth it, that his sacrifice is worth it.

Wei Wuxian actively chooses to live. He chooses to live for Lan Zhan. For the chance that they will both find a way out, and if they don't, then they are together in this and that matters more.

And he keeps making that choice. At no point in the confrontation with Jin Guangyao, for all those hours and hours and hours of back and forth and monologuing in that damned temple, does Wei Wuxian try to grandstand or throw himself sacrificially into the mix in any way. He is always working with everyone there to whatever extent possible, to the ends that everyone (including people he cedes the political superiority to) decides upon. He releases ownership of the situation, of needing to fix the situation, of needing to fix the situation by giving himself up.

I've been writing this so long I'm starting to lose the threads of my own thoughts, but yeah.

By the end, I think Wei Wuxian learns a lot and grows a lot and finally hits the point that Jiang Cheng hit years and years prior.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he was confronted with the idea of it again and again until it had to stick, and so he did. For Lan Zhan, for Lan Sizhui, for Jin Ling, for the other juniors.

I do think there will always be some element of self-sacrifice to Wei Wuxian's character that remain unchanged. He is a caretaker and a fixer at the heart of him. He is a big brother and I think maturity has only expanded that trait. He's also notably not a leader, and to some extent he does belong to himself both more and less than he ever could before his death.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And it doesn't negate him embracing the idea of living for the ones he loves, getting better for the ones he loves, and letting them keep him in their lives.

I'd like to think that this piece of character growth is another significant thing in favour of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng being able to forge not just a healthy relationship but a healthier relationship post-canon than they may have ever had before, or at least in a very long time.

[snowrainandbooks]

That is so true... Can we just start comparing their boobs instead ? And their love for the Enterprise ? That's very much more delightful to see :D

i love seeing people compare tos and aos kirks, but when comparing them, can we not use phrases like “more traumatized” and “less traumatized” or try to quantify which character has more or less trauma? like every trauma is different and it’s gonna impact people differently

and by trying to quantify the trauma of these characters you’re gonna hurt real life people who may feel like their trauma is being belittled if their trauma fits the description of the “less trauma” category

[intheshadowofsignificance]

I think the point is June and Serena becoming the same person in the end so there’s not any room for better or worse.

I completely understand your interpretation and there’s so much it makes me want to touch on and dissect.

Ultimately, June and Serena are different people with different experiences. Trauma and pain were a huge part of Gilead’s narrative even before it existed, and seeing that trauma manifest in similar ways between June and Serena is so, so interesting to me.

Ultimately, to me, Serena is a more compelling character. I personally like her more than June. That doesn’t make her more likable overall though, and it certainly doesn’t mean the two were created equal.

June has more room to grow and evolve than Serena, because despite what she’s been through and the anger it’s bred in her, she’s empathetic. She cried holding Esther. Regardless of it potentially dismantling their escape, she didn’t leave her. She felt deeply for Janine’s struggle too, and mourned her when she thought they were separating. She has complex PTSD and I think the flashback of Alma is a nod to her survivor’s guilt. The question of what she deserves is another nod to that. We don’t get that kind of reflection and introspection from Serena.

When she’s praying in the church, it’s not because she’s truly sorry, or truly grasps the horror of what she facilitated and forced upon thousands of women, it’s because she wants something. She wants a healthy baby. When Serena mourns Nicole, she’s moreso mourning the chance she lost to be a mother. She doesn’t feel compassion for Nicole’s separation anxiety, she immediately tells her, “it’s mommy.” Because what she really wants from Nicole is someone to love her. Serena never mentioning Nicole again during her pregnancy is very telling. It was never about a little girl she loved and bonded with, but the idea of having that love and bond in the first place. Motherhood is about completing herself, not bringing another soul into the world and helping them find completion.

June tells Hannah it’s okay to be angry with her. Can you imagine Serena telling preteen Nicole the same in that context? Can you imagine Serena being okay with a daughter who rebelled, and showing her compassion instead of spiteful, Bible verse scorn in the face of that rebellion? Serena’s own mother masqueraded her grief around for attention and sympathy. Serena is intoxicated by that same attention as long as she’s not the subject of it, and I could see her turning into Pam without much effort.

One thing June got right in the last scene that I don’t think is remotely shared between them is this: Serena is a sociopath. Not one who was made, like June, for the sake of survival, but one who was born. She doesn’t genuinely know how to feel anything for anyone else, she’s able to leech people’s emotions when she needs to, but she very seldom feels anything for herself towards other people.

When she got shot, was recovering, and called Fred weak, that wasn’t compassion. That wasn’t love. The Waterford’s had a marriage when Fred was useful to Serena and vice versa. When Eden died and she saw what very well could’ve been a younger version of herself drown in that pool, she grieved. Not for Eden, but for the person she made her out to be in her own head. For the person her daughter could have grown up to be. When we find out Eden had written in the Bible and Serena condemns her for it, we get confirmation of this. Eden isn’t who Serena thought she was, and Serena’s grief is strictly for the idealized version of her.

I firmly believe she could only let Nicole go because she saw herself in Eden. When Eden died for love while everyone around watched her drown, just like Serena was drowning grasping for the pieces of her failing marriage and the illusion of her superiority in Gilead, she realized she wanted more for Nicole. And the second the smoke cleared and she started to feel empty, she took it all back.

Right now, June and Serena are the same. They’re drunk on power and in a desperate battle to be in control of their own life. The difference is, June has the capacity for empathy and love, and will eventually use those things to see the wrong she’s done, whereas Serena is, in my opinion, incapable of meaningful grief, reflection, and growth.

She lived her entire life as a fanatic in a faith that requires surrender, not because she’s committed to it, but because she practices a version that absolves herself of responsibility for what she’s done. If she gives it to God, God will forgive her. If she says she’s making amends, she doesn’t have to actually do it. Some people use God, even in Gilead, to find meaning in heinous things. Serena uses God to take the meaning out of them.

It was his plan. I am his vessel.

Gilead made June into this person too, she didn’t care who died for her, she just needed to get to Hannah. Start a movement. Keep moving, keep being useful.

June has been cold and callous and she has committed atrocity just like Serena Joy, the difference is she has the capacity to recognize it eventually, and change. Whether she will or not is up in the air.

But anyway, all this is to say that June and Serena are both products of their environment, but June was very on the nose when she told Serena she didn’t know how to love. I genuinely don’t think she does. I don’t think she feels much other than smugness unless she’s sapping it from people around her.

Neither of them is perfect, and I think saying June is better or worse than Serena would convey the wrong message. What I will end on, though, is the notion that June is more human than she is calculating, while Serena feels more calculating than she does human.

[thedreadvampy]

talking to my mum last night and getting fucked up about the degree of trauma my grandparents' generation faced and how. unwilling and ill-equipped the care system is for the obvious fact that there's a huge incidence of PTSD and complex lifelong mental health issues in those generations

grannie was 17 when she became a nurse and she was working immediately in London at the height of the Blitz. her first day she saw blown apart children and had to comfort their parents. she was almost hit by a rocket cycling home.

grandpa spent the whole war in labour camps before being trapped behind the Iron Curtain in the ruins of Dresden, almost dead from starvation from the camp, for another 3 years before making it back to Blackpool to find out his parents had died in his absence.

granny got radiation sickness at 13 from being put under an X-ray with no protection and forgotten about for hours; she lost all her hair and developed chronic pain and health problems. after years of severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse from her family and the men around her, she got engaged to an American pilot who was shot down and killed in the last month of the war. her former boyfriend came back a dissociative shell of his pre-war self and she ended up trying to raise three small children on her own, with her family at the other end of the country and her husband often having violent flashbacks and outbursts of rage. she was suicidal and had violent psychotic breaks and got institutionalised and medicated on and off her entire adult life.

like. it isn't just the war. people born in the early-mid 20th century, especially women, have been subject to so much sexual trauma, domestic and social violence, bigotry, and grief on grief on grief.

with my granny, it's entirely understandable that she was 'mad'. when I knew her, she was on heavy daily dosage of lithium - she stopped because it was destroying her gut after 30 years and she became violently aggressive, vindictive, scared, psychotic, paranoid, frequently delusional and extremely abusive. She was terrified of doctors because of her repeated experiences with medical abuse, she was furious with everyone around her, she coldly hated her husband and seemed actively happy when he died, and the thing is all of that makes perfect sense because she was profoundly and repeatedly traumatised for at least the first 50-60 years of her life.

but the thing that worries and answers me is that the elder care system and the mental health system are completely unwilling to engage with the fact that many many many old people have severe pre-existing mental health conditions. after all, how many of us have PTSD or psychotic episodes or bipolar or BPD or special care needs related to autism or OCD or ADHD or whatever? those don't just Cease To Exist after a certain age. and our parents and our grandparents grew up in times with much less support for mental health and much less awareness of trauma. granny's early traumas were familial but she was institutionalised repeatedly and treated appallingly throughout her life and that's in itself traumatic.

when granny was 82 and she stopped taking her lithium, she was frail, ill and a danger to herself and others.

they put her on a dementia ward when she was sectioned because she was Old, and Old Mad People Are Demented. but she didn't have dementia! she had chronic PTSD and paranoid delusions but she knew who, where and when she was and she was perfectly sharp, she just wasn't coping. when we went to visit her she'd say furiously 'they think I'm like the other people in here but I'm not, I'm not losing my marbles, I've always been this way'

none of us got any support looking after her while she was in hospital or after she left the inpatient ward - nobody checked in on grandpa while she was in hospital or on weekend release, and after she was released Dad looked after her single-handed while trying to deal with his dad's death. (she may have murdered grandpa while on weekend release, or he may have died of heart failure - either way when she went off the rails after 20 years stable, he gave up on life and I me and my sibling (for the record we were 10 when she left hospital) listening to her trying to continue unpicking her past trauma was I think the most therapy she got after she left.

she couldn't go into a regular elder care home because she was too unstable, she needed specialist mental health care and she sometimes needed to be constrained for her own safety and that of other people. residential mental health care facilities weren't equipped to deal with her needs as a woman in her 80s. she couldn't go into dementia care, which is about the only residential care available for old people with serious mental health needs, because she didn't have dementia and it would have been utterly inappropriate and harmful for her and the other residents. she lived to 93 and for the last 11 years of her life it was up to Dad and us to look after her in her home because there was simply nowhere else for her to go.

and what really fucks me up is that she wasn't past help. a lot of people thought she was but when she left hospital she was trying really hard to continue therapy on her own without a therapist, she drew and wrote about her life and memories and she used to sit opposite me and open up in a way I now utterly recognise as trauma therapy, she would try to find ways to talk about what had hurt her and state into the middle distance for tens of minutes trying to get it together enough to continue. she wanted to do the work. but the only people there for her were her son who was shellshocked from losing his dad and traumatised from effectively losing his mum again and who was spending all his energy just trying to get through work and home and get her physical needs met, and a couple of preteen children who had the will but not the capacity to help. we were barely holding ourselves together (mum drove granny places but mostly her capacity was being spent being about the only support Dad or us could get) and we just couldn't meet the work of a trained therapist. and eventually she gave up on getting better and got angrier and more bitter and more abusive to everyone. but she wanted to feel better. she wanted to deal with her shit. but there was no support.

and there must be thousands of people like her. older people with lifelong trauma and mental health issues who are too mentally ill for elder support and too old for mental health support. and the MH system doesn't think they're worth the resource cost because after all they're old, they'll die soon. but where are they meant to go? and how much harm does unsupported home care do to the person in need of care and to the people carrying for them? it just multiplies trauma down the generations. you can't just expect mental illness to only affect the young when the old have been just as traumatised and you can't treat them as separate issues when old people need carers who are qualified to deal with both their age and their mental health issues.

like yes many people develop late life mental health issues like Alzheimers and dementia, just as many people become disabled for the first time by age. but a lot of people are disabled or mentally ill for decades before they reach anything approaching elderly, and those things don't suddenly go away and don't have the same support needs as late-life issues.

idk. I'm very angry. if there was recognition of the need to support older people with lifelong trauma then my grandpa wouldn't have died hopeless and unsupported, my granny might have got her life back and got some healing after 80 years of living in fear, my dad wouldn't have had his own mental breakdown and slide into paranoia and conspiracy theory, and me and my siblings wouldn't have lost our whole adolescence trying to shore up two badly neglected adults' catastrophic mental health while under constant fire.

literally a ten minute weekly phone call with grandpa while granny was in hospital and weekly follow-up talk therapy for her after she was discharged could have made so much difference but nobody fucking cared. because she was Old. she was in the hospital because she was a danger to the people around her and they discharged her for the weekend as a trial run and her husband died suddenly while she was in the house and she seemed totally unbothered and they still. let her out for good two weeks later with no followup care or therapeutic follow-up and no support or advice for Dad on looking after her. they started talk therapy in hospital and then dropped her abruptly and left her raw and cracked open without any way to put herself back together. and she isn't unique it's just. Careless. and so destructive.

[angel-tries-to-write]

This is not how you pay your debt

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan Rating: Explicit Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Hanji Zoë Word count: 4507 Genre: smut, fluff

A little idea I came up with while watching Junior High. Hanji is in debt to Levi, but gets a very unique idea of paying it.

They/them pronouns for Hanji.

"I'm not treating you. Make sure you repay me later."

These words were still ringing in Hanji's ears, even though Levi spoke them in what seemed like a lifetime ago. He said it only once, but Hanji knew he meant it every other time, just by the look he was making. That was the funny thing about Levi: he was a mystery, a real enigma to everyone except for Hanji. They always knew what was on his mind, they were studying him for long enough to be able to see through his façade and even explain it to the others. They would lie if they said he was easy to read, but they were somewhat proud of this relationship. None of them knew actually what they were, the two of them never spoke about it. Hanji knew fully well that Levi was someone way more than just a friend to them, even though they didn't know what he thought about it, this thing about him remained a secret even to them. But that meant that maybe, just maybe, it was worth to try taking their relationship on the next level and them being in debt to him was a pretty convenient excuse. It wasn't an easy decision to make, if he didn't feel the same way, this friendship can be ruined, but if he did... Well, life is too short to waste this opportunity, especially in this world and Hanji has always been a "ride or die" person, especially when it came to Levi. It was worth trying.

The opportunity arose on its own, actually. One night Hanji was busy in the lab when they heard a knock on the door frame. They looked up from their notes and saw Levi, dressed very lightly and casually. Hanji themself was wearing light clothes, but it wasn't as contrasting as it was in his case. They usually were way more casual than Levi, who just had to look neat and elegant. This time, however, was different. Judging by the dark circles under his eyes, he had trouble sleeping.

“Do you want me to help you fall asleep or do you just want my company?” Hanji asked straightforwardly, not trying to pretend they didn't know what he was doing there.

“How about both?” he asked quietly and closed the door while Hanji sent him a careful look from above their glasses.

“My, my, Levi Ackerman openly saying what he wants” they teased him and stood up when he made an irritated expression, ready to leave. For once experiments and science could wait. “What a beautiful day to live.”

“Don't make me change my mind and leave, four-eyes” he even sounded annoyed. Hanji knew they were about to test their luck and strain his trust, but it was now or never.

“Like hell I'd let you” they said and before Levi realized what they intended to do, he was pinned against the lab door. The distance between them was nearly nonexistent, yet the man didn't protest or push his friend away. “Say, Levi” they reached up and caressed his cheek tenderly “what would you say to collecting my latest debt in a slightly different way?” they asked with a soft, sweet voice, their hand slowly wandered down his body.

“What do you mean?” he asked carefully, his breath hitched at their touch.

“Oh, you know, I have this new idea about how can I repay you.”

“Yes. Simply give me the money back” he said, trying to keep his composure.

“Or I can help you relax” they offered with a smirk and their fingers barely brushed his crotch. Levi's eyes widened and his face reddened as he finally realized what kind of idea it was. At this moment Hanji could clearly see through him and almost all of his barriers. They could tell he was in kind of conflict with himself, he was torn and didn't quite know whether he wanted it or not.

“Oh really? And what do you have in mind?” he teased, trying to get his emotions under control, even though his own body betrayed him. The thought of what Hanji could do to him in context they suggested made his cheeks burn even more, arousal shot through his spine right to his lower abdomen and he panicked a little, feeling his penis hardening slowly. He thought he buried this ability deep down, things like love or lust seemed impossible to experience for someone who had this terrible life and carried such a huge trauma inside. Yet again, Hanji Zoë proved to him that impossible wasn't an option. Their chaos completely ruined his perfectly ordered life, yet to his surprise, Levi didn't mind it that much.

“A lot, actually” their eyes twinkled with satisfaction when they felt Levi's erection. Their other hand that was leaning against the door above the man's head, fell softly to his hair and slid down to the cheek. “And I promise you're going to love it, but I need you to trust me” with every word their voice was getting quieter and more sensual and it was doing its job. When their thumb caressed his lips, it was the last straw. Levi grabbed them by the collar and closed the distance between the two of them, sealing Hanji's lips with a hungry kiss. He wasn't quite himself, but his friend wasn't complaining at all, on a contrary, they loved this side of him.

Well, just like any other one. Hanji was probably the only person in the world who knew everything about Levi and who loved him despite his terrible personality. He just was to understand it yet.

“I do” he whispered, breaking the kiss. “I trust you.”

Hanji smiled warmly, they knew it, technically, but hearing these words was something quite different than just sensing them. They slightly pulled away and started unbuttoning their shirt, then shrugged it off. As they did, Levi shyly put his hands on their muscled body. Hanji wasn't as strong as he was, but enough to be good in fight and they had quite nice muscles either. His fingers traced their abs, then toyed with the hem of Hanji's sport bra that kept their small boobs in one place and helped to keep their chest comfortably flat.

“Should I take it off?” Hanji teased, knowing fully well that his answer was a yes.

“Please” he breathed and that somewhat surprised his partner, they didn't expect to hear such a need in his tone. They stripped of the bra faster than they first intended, letting Levi stare and then touch their breasts. It wasn't the first time he was doing that, after all he was the only one who would make Hanji take a bath, sometimes in a quite violent way, but it was the first time the situation was sexual. They let him play for a while before pushing him harder against the door and capturing his lips in a kiss. Levi let out a small whimper when he was denied the boobs, Hanji only chuckled at his reaction.

“Tonight was supposed to be about you” they said with amusement, unbuckling his pants.

“I was having fun too” he protested, pulling them closer and kissing their neck. Hanji gasped as he suckled on their pulse point, they tugged the fabric of his pants, drawing Levi even closer. Finally they managed to free his cock and the moment their fingers touched it, their partner was gone. He stopped kissing their neck and bit down his lower lip, fighting a moan.

“Oh, you like it already? But I didn't do anything yet” Hanji laughed and slightly pulled away. They took their glasses off and put them away.

“I swear, four-eyes...” Levi panted with irritation, but his voice died in his throat when Hanji kneeled down in front of him. Immediately he covered his mouth with his hand, muffling any noises he was making. They were right, they didn't do anything yet and he was already done. He closed his eyes as they moved closer, kissing softly the tip of his member. He had to use all of his strength and willpower to not cum that soon.

“Tell me if you want me to stop or if I do something wrong, okay?” they asked, but all Levi could do was to nod a few times, his eyes still closed, cheeks flushed and mouth covered, which was necessary, because he nearly screamed with pleasure when Hanji took his cock in their hot, wet mouth, carefully testing every move and observing his reactions. Almost as if they were doing an experiment. Levi's free hand clenched on his partner's hair, not wanting them to stop, but he also minded to not enforce anything. Every lick and suck, even the slightest move, was pushing him closer and closer to his climax, apparently Hanji could use their mouth to pleasure him as well as they were using it to talk. Their tongue was impressively swift and the deeper they tried to take him in, the more he struggled to hold on. He could have probably lasted longer, but he made a huge mistake: he opened his eyes. The sight of Hanji kneeling down and looking up at him with their messy hair, flushed cheeks, bare chest, beautiful dark eyes and mouth full of cock, was enough to send Levi off the edge. He came suddenly, surprising Hanji who choke a little, some saliva mixed with sperm escaped their mouth and fell on their chest, but they managed to finish him off, swallowing all they could. When they let go of him, Levi didn't move, staring at them with unfamiliar feelings and trying to calm down.

“Hanji, you look gorgeous” he whispered half consciously as they wiped their chin and licked their fingers.

“Does that mean you liked my payment?” they smirked. Levi dropped to his knees and kissed them hard, pulling them by the hand he still had tangled in their hair. He could taste himself on their lips, but to his surprise, he didn't mind.

“Hell yes I did. You were amazing” he panted, leaning his forehead against their shoulder.

“I guess you can tell I have PTSD: Professional Talent for Sucking Dick” Hanji joked and Levi managed to let out a chuckle. He suddenly felt hands on his neck and back as his partner hugged him. “Do you want to go to sleep now?” they asked, but he made a sound of protest.

“No, just give me five minutes.”

“For what?”

“For round two. If you think you can suck me off and not expect being fucked later, then you should re-evaluate your knowledge about me.”

“I never knew this side of you, but I like it. I guess it's not too late to get to know it better” they smiled and slowly slipped their hand under his shirt to massage the skin on his back. They waited patiently and when his breath steadied, he kissed them first on their lips, then jaw, neck and he moved lower as he reached their breasts again.

“I see now why did you decide to undress” he smirked, licking his semen off their skin.

“I knew you would make a mess. What an irony, usually you despise it.”

“Oi, you're asking to be punished.”

“I can think of a few ways you can do that, but at the same time I'm not sure if you're actually capable of doing that. A few minutes ago you were completely at my mercy. Who knew you could be this submi—” they gasped loudly when Levi caught their nipple between his teeth, then sucked, and rolled the other between his fingers. He smirked, looking up.

“You were saying?” he asked triumphantly and pulled away to take off his shirt. Hanji reached for their own one and placed it on the floor, so they could lie down a little more comfortably.

“I feel tempted to tease you more and check what else you can do to me” they admitted, wriggling their boots and pants off.

“You might regret it” he simply said, following their lead. “If not tonight, then tomorrow. And it won't be worth it.”

“We can discuss it once we're done” they pulled him close impatiently and kissed hard. He pushed them down, so they would lie on the floor. “It's cold” they winced.

“I'll warm you up” he assured, pulling away and looking at them loosing their hair. He never thought he would think that, but Hanji was freaking beautiful. They were intoxicating him in a way no other human being could.

“You're staring, Levi” they chuckled. “Are you stunned by my beauty?” Hanji joked, unknowingly saying exactly what he had in mind.

“Actually, yes, I am” he admitted and caressed their thighs. Laugh died down their throat, their eyes widened in shock as they looked at him.

“What?”

“I don't know how or why, but you look so fucking good right now, I've never seen a more attractive person” he admitted, kissing their stomach and going up. He had no idea why suddenly he was so honest and open, he would usually keep his guard up, not counting rare moments when he was breaking down in Hanji's arms, the way they were in his. But even then he wasn't talking much, they just knew. This night was so different, he was doing things he didn't think he was capable of and to his surprise, it wasn't terrifying him, he actually enjoyed doing it all.

“You think I'm beautiful and attractive?” Hanji stared at him dumbfounded. They clearly couldn't believe it.

“Of course I do” he answered, kissing all the way up to their breasts while his fingers brushed their sex. Hanji gasped at his touch and clenched their palm on his shoulder, sensing a nasty scar under their fingertips. He had way more scars than they had, but Hanji knew almost every one, just like Levi knew theirs. Both of them tended to their wounds, they were the only people the other trusted to take care of them. Of course, Hanji was more open and they could let Miche or Nana do the job, but they preferred to leave it to Levi. It was a way to gain his trust, he would never let Hanji take care of him if he couldn't take care of them in return. Just like he was doing now, fingering them with a skill he didn't quite expected he possessed. Yet it was there and it allowed him to give more and more pleasure to his lover. He watched them carefully, observing every reaction and the first thing he noted was that they were much quieter than he was, but it didn't mean he was doing something wrong. At least he hoped so, judging by the way they were moaning his name intertwined with "yes" and "just like that". It took him a while, but he finally made them come all over his hand and if he thought they were beautiful before, they looked fucking gorgeous now, all sweaty and panting, with neck and breasts covered in hickeys and bite marks, eyes closed, limbs spread and lips curved in a smile.

“That was amazing. You were amazing” Hanji praised him, caressing his cheek. Levi just looked at them with a glint of mischief in his eyes and never breaking eye contact, he put his fingers in his mouth, licking them clean, observing the growing desire in Hanji's eyes

“I'm just getting started” he said and climbed up their body to place a hungry kiss on their lips. Both of them moaned as he positioned himself and the tip of his penis brushed Hanji's entrance.

“Do you really want this?” they asked and Levi looked at them, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, I do. I wouldn't do that if I didn't want it.”

“Good. I do too and I just wanted to hear it from you.”

“Why?”

“Consent is sexy” they shrugged. “Besides, after all we've been through, I really wouldn't want to ruin our relationship by making you do something you don't want to. You deserve all the best and I want to make sure you get it.”

Levi froze, looking at them with shock, disbelief, but also hope, deeply moved by their words. He kissed them, slowly pushing his member inside. He might have been inexperienced, but he wasn't an idiot, he knew what to do to not hurt his partner. Hanji winced a little when his cock stretched their inner walls.

“You okay?” he asked, brushing their hair out of their face.

“Yeah. Well, you are short, but your dick clearly isn't, so I need a moment” they chuckled.

“Don't make me regret it” he sent them an annoyed look. Only Hanji could crack a joke about his height when he was balls deep inside them.

“Sorry. I'll behave, you can go on” they promised and kissed him. Levi sighed heavily, absolutely done with them and pulled out, but as he thrusted back in, any bickering and jokes were left forgotten. Both of their brains went blank, not caring about anything besides their mutual pleasure. They had no idea for how long did their act last, it seemed like an eternity of thrusts, kisses, touches, moans and overwhelming pleasure. When they finally reached their orgasms, Levi simply collapsed on top of Hanji, knowing fully well he could do that and he wouldn't crush them. If it wasn't for his insomnia, he would have had more strength, but for now he was exhausted. Hanji embraced him and kissed his sweaty forehead.

“Thank you” he whispered, when their breaths steadied.

“It was my pleasure” they smiled, playing with his hair.

“I've always thought sex was dirty and disgusting. I don't know how did you do that, but you managed to prove me wrong” he said, apparently even Levi Ackerman confirmed theory that people after sex are more open and honest.

“Well, we're quite messy right now, all sweaty and sticky” Hanji pointed out, but made no sign indicating they were bothered by that.

“I don't care.”

“You? A clean freak? Don't care?” his lover looked at him with disbelief. They never thought he could say such thing. “Are you even alright?”

“More than alright. Tonight I'm just doing things I never thought I was capable of. Being dirty, having sex and actually enjoying it. Feeling this warm and fuzzy inside. That's so strange to me, it's nice, of course, yet I can't help but think about...” he didn't finish the sentence, but he didn't have to. Hanji knew him and understood like no one could.

“She wouldn't want you to feel bad. She did what she had to do.”

“Do you think she would be proud of me?”

“Of course! She would be very proud to see everything you've achieved. I'm sure you are someone she wanted you to be. Someone who lives a better life than her. I've never met her, but I'm sure she loved you more than anything” they assured him. Levi rarely spoke about his mother, it was very personal to him and no one but Hanji actually knew the whole story. They were the only person in the world he could open up to.

“Hanji, what am I to you?” he asked suddenly, his voice almost cracking because of the emotions. He pushed himself up, so he could look them in the face.

“What do you mean?” they were surprised by his sudden question.

“How do you feel about me? Please, tell me” he pleaded. Levi Ackerman never pleaded, he was never desperate and he never cared about other people's feelings. Except for Hanji's.

“You're my best friend” they started and a flash of disappointment crossed Levi's face. “You're the one I can deeply trust and I can always rely on. You're the first person I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. And if we were given a chance to live a peaceful life, you're the one I would share it with. I just love you, Levi” they confessed and his eyes widened with shock.

“You do?” he whispered barely audible.

“I do. I have for a few years by now. I just never thought you could feel the same about me. Tonight... well, let's say I was tired of being uncertain and I had to make a move.”

“I love you too” he blurted out and it was Hanji's turn to be shocked. They never expected him to actually say it. “For a long time I couldn't admit it, maybe I didn't want to, because I was scared. Everyone who ever loved me and whom I loved, are dead. I don't want you to die” he admitted. Hanji stared at their lover, processing everything he said, then moved up and kissed him hard.

“I can't promise that I won't die, but you know you can't get rid of me easily.”

“I know but—”

“No 'buts'. Stop thinking negative. I know you've been through so much, but you have to move on. You have to live a better life. For your mom. For me. For yourself.”

Levi thought about their words, he knew they were right. He nodded, defeated. One last time. Just once, he would let himself love and be loved. He would risk his heart being shattered once again. He knew Hanji was tough, they survived for this long, they could certainly live through much more. So he was safe for now. At least he wouldn't live in constant "what ifs" invading his mind anymore.

“Alright.”

“Great. Now let's call it a night, shall we? As tempting as staying like that sounds, I'd rather not give Moblit a heart attack in the morning” they snickered.

“Fine. Let's take a bath and go to sleep” Levi pulled away from them with a slick sound.

“Yeah, for once I won't be arguing” Hanji said, looking at the mess between their thighs. They both got up and got dressed, made sure to not leave any mess in the lab, went to their rooms to take fresh clothes and met in the bathroom. “You know that if the others find out, they're never going to let us live?” they asked when the two of them undressed once again and proceeded to clean themselves and each other.

“They don't have to find out.”

“You think so? This thing is way harder to keep a secret than any other thing we've said or done.”

“They know we help each other fall asleep, so even if they would catch us sleeping together, it's not the first time.”

“And you were furious when they saw us for the first time, now it's our advantage.”

“Yeah. Good thing it was in common area, it was easier to explain.”

“Let's hope we're lucky enough to keep it secret.”

They finished their bath reminiscing old times. When they left and got dressed, they headed to Levi's room where they fell asleep as soon as they went to bed. Both of them had trouble sleeping recently, yet the presence of the other one was soothing and calming enough, to let them peacefully sleep for all night and even longer than that. Because when they finally woke up, it was almost noon.

“Hey” Levi spoke, his voice was even deeper and lower than usual.

“Hey” Hanji smiled and rubbed their eyes. “Did we oversleep?”

“Seems like it. But I guess we deserved that much sleep.”

“Yeah... You look way better than yesterday. I mean, healthier, not more handsome and beautiful, that's physically impossible.”

“I can say the same thing” he brushed away Hanji's hair, taking it out of their face, then leaned in and kissed them.

“I KNEW IT!” Nanaba's sudden scream made the couple jump away from each other, as much as they could, being limited by the bed and their embrace. “MICHE, ERWIN, I WON THE BET!!!” she shouted and Levi furrowed his brows.

“What the fuck?!” he yelled at her.

“Yes, Nana, what the fuck?!” Hanji echoed. None of them got an answer, because Miche and Erwin appeared by the door.

“You didn't win shit, just because they share a bed it doesn't mean you won” Miche protested, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Besides, they're fully clothed and they slept together in the past” Erwin noticed. “It means nothing.”

“I saw them kiss, I swear!” Nanaba realized she didn't think this through, as she had no proof to convince them.

“Oi! What's that supposed to mean?” Levi yelled, sitting up, his partner followed his actions.

“Nana was convinced you're dating, while we were pretty sure you're not. So we decided to bet. If she found out any proof in a week, she wins, if she won't, we win” Miche explained. “But since we know you two have huge trouble sleeping and the only person who can help you is the other one, we don't count that.”

“Technically it's against the rules, but I can either allow that or risk getting two of my best people get themselves killed, because of sleep deprivation” Erwin admitted. “And since you said you're not dating...”

“Of course we're not dating” Levi scoffed.

“And that's why Hanji has hickeys all over their neck?” Nanaba pointed out triumphantly. The couple exchanged looks, they didn't expect to see anyone before getting out of bed, so they didn't mind less covering clothes. Which meant that most of the marks Levi has left on his lover's body were visible.

“We're not dating yet” Hanji precised, giving up. There was no point trying to lie, the evidence was obvious. “Last night we talked about our feelings, but we didn't figure out the status of our relationship yet. Also we would like to have our privacy respected, thank you very much.”

“So did we win or not?” Miche wondered, apparently that was his priority.

“I'd say under these circumstances we can say none of us wins or loses. The bet is cancelled” Erwin decided. “Now let's get back to work, you two, get out” he pointed to Miche and Nana “you two, get up” he pointed to Levi and Hanji “and we're never talking about it again, that's an order” he commanded and the three left.

“So much for keeping a secret” Hanji sighed, resting their head on Levi's shoulder.

“That's not what I wanted to do. But maybe it's for the better” he admitted, wrapping his arm around his partner and kissing their head. “We don't have to bother whether someone sees us or not.”

“Really? You're going to ruin your reputation of unavailable idol only to be able to kiss me in public?” they joked.

“Like I ever cared about my reputation” Levi rolled his eyes. “But there's one more thing.”

“What is it?”

“While I enjoyed the way you paid your debt last night, don't get used to it or I'll stop buying you anything” he said and Hanji couldn't help but burst out laughing.