#that he has absolutely nothing going on outside of her

[whateverisbeautiful]

Do you think Rick ever attempted to tell Michonne how he felt about her? I wondered if he tried and got scared or someone interrupted them. How do you think Rick trying would have gone?

I really like this question too! I can absolutely see there being moments where Rick wanted to tell her how he feels and maybe even came close to before something stopped him. Since in TOWL he admitted he didn’t know what to do about being in love with her for a while there, I think those mints ended up being pretty important in helping him finally figure out how to let Michonne know how he feels about her.

This post actually feels like the perfect place to put my Part Two of what I think happened with Rick and Michonne during that time jump between No Way Out and The Next World because I address this question some more in my play-by-play. So this is Part Two - what I think happened in that time jump to make Rick and Michonne be like this the next time we see them in 6.10 ⬇️💗:

As always, my extra self has to start right from where they left off in No Way Out, which includes one of my favorite TWD episode endings when Rick speaks to Carl and then Carl ever-so-lightly takes his hand.

I’ve always loved the staging of that scene too with Michone holding Judith right outside the room. It’s such a visual confirmation of the family unit they are. And I can envision that when Rick notices that Carl took his hand he calls Michonne in to tell her about Carl’s movement and they're really happy and relieved and it’s a moment where it’s pretty hard to ignore how much the two of them feel like a mom and dad. 

So then I’d think that Carl probably has to stay at the infirmary for a certain amount of time for Denise to monitor him in the earliest stages of his recovery. And Rick and Michonne visit every single day to be with Carl and help look after him. I feel like the community probably agreed that after NWO, Rick needs a little break from leadership so that he can focus on tending to Carl. So during this time, others step up around the community while Rick and Michonne have a lot more time to tend to Carl and be at home with Judith. I think spending all that time together really tightens Rick and Michonne’s bond even more.

And one of the biggest things I’m convinced we were robbed of seeing during this time jump is the increase in Richonne’s physical touch. I think Rick and Michonne got a lot more comfortable with showing affection through touch during this time. Nothing blatantly romantic of course but like those little low fives or nudges on the couch. They start doing those types of touches a lot more often. Along with ramping up the flirtation and the little glances that suggest this dynamic isn’t nearly as platonic as they’ve tried to act like it is because there’s some real yearning and desire evident during this time.

I can picture that there’s one night where maybe Michonne puts Judith to bed while Rick is downstairs putting away dishes and then on the way to her room they both just end up sitting on the couch and staying up late talking - something they subconsciously might have been more hesitant to do when Carl was in the house prior considering the whole son’s best friend/best friend’s dad thing. But while Carl is still in the infirmary, they end up feeling a bit more comfortable to spend this time together at night. And those nighttime chats then become a staple part of their daily routine that Rick and Michonne both really look forward to.

Like it’s so a part of their routine that even when they’re tired after a long day, they go to the couch instead of going to bed because they want to make sure they still get that time to decompress together.

And I think their conversations just flow so easily and they operate so organically as best friends, while also knowing it’s getting harder and harder to act like all they are is best friends. Especially when Rick decides to officially remove his wedding ring during this time - something I imagine Michonne did notice.

I feel like Judith also starts really clinging to Michonne like a mom during this time. Like I always love it when the baby who plays Judith reaches for Michonne during that 6.10 scene on the porch and even sounds like she says Michonne’s name. I always like to think that Judith feels so bonded to Michonne by that point.

And maybe Rick and Michonne even like to make predictions on when they think Judith will start crawling as they often like to smile over watching her "practice" on the baby monitor during their nighttime chats.

I can picture that on one of those nights, Rick thanks Michonne for saving his and Carl’s life when Ron had that gun on him and notes how she’s saved his life quite a few times and he feels like he owes her. And she’d tell him that he doesn’t owe her and again the silence after is so clearly her “because I love you and you’ve given me a whole family” but she doesn’t say all that and Rick doesn’t profess his love yet either. They just let the nice moment be. 

So then there’s the portion of time when Carl can finally come home and Denise teaches Rick and Michonne what they’ll need to do with Carl home, like how to wrap his bandages and do physical therapy. With Carl home, I picture that Rick and Michonne get a good routine going of how to take care of him and help him during this time of adjusting to his new life with one eye. It's all just even more confirmation that the two of them parent and operate like a well-oiled machine.

Some days are smoother than others because I think Carl would understandably have some days where the recovery is frustrating for him. But Carl is a fighter too so overall he’s resilient and keeps a good spirit during recovery. And Rick and Michonne try to make things as smooth as possible for him and they’re able to lean on each other when it’s hard or emotional to see Carl struggling. They’re both just so grateful Carl is alive. 

I think the four of them would have family dinner together every night and Carl can even peep that the bonding Rick and Michonne have done lately is so clearly because they’re into each other. Like I just know that the look Carl gave Michonne the morning after she was with Rick has to do with Carl being like I knew I was picking up on the right vibes in this house all this time. 😂

In my mind, I imagine that Michonne is best at changing the bandages so she often is the one who does that for Carl in the mornings. I think one of those mornings she’s getting ready for the day and realizes she’s out of toothpaste. So, wearing her robe and towel, she initially is going to ask Carl to borrow his before bandaging him but then she sees Rick’s bedroom door is open so she just asks him.

And Rick does have some toothpaste left and gives it to her while trying very hard to just seem casual about her showing up in her robe the first time lol. But he’s definitely not mad at the sight he sees. 😋

And then soon it just becomes a thing for Michonne to borrow Rick’s toothpaste in the mornings during their family's little morning routine.

Rick and Michonne still of course want to contribute to the community so Rick starts going back out on those runs with Daryl and Michonne takes on some guard shifts at the gate. Once again, I think Daryl is observant that Rick has been real cheery lately and he knows that, on top of the good news of Carl surviving and the community proving they’re capable of surviving too, it’s whatever Rick has going with Michonne that plays a big part in why he’s smiling and snapping to music on their supply runs.

I also think on Rick and Daryl's supply runs, Rick would always somehow find ways to bring up Michonne in their conversations - because he’s a man in love. And Rick thinks he’s bringing Michonne up casually and subtly but it’s not either of those things to Daryl lol. But again, Daryl mostly keeps those observations to himself, even tho the thought "if this idiot doesn't make a damn move on her already" likely crossed his mind at minimum three times.

There was a time when I would have thought that maybe Rick never outright told Daryl that he had fallen for Michonne pre-canon. But honestly seeing the way Rick is a guy who can wear his heart on his sleeve at times, I wouldn't be surprised if maybe he did open up to Daryl more straightforwardly about how he's in love with his son's best friend and doesn't exactly know how to best proceed. And Daryl is a man of few words but I'd imagine that even the few words he'd offer up about the situation would be somehow helpful or reassuring to his brother.

And then, even with Carl home, Rick and Michonne definitely still continue to have their nighttime chats between just the two of them. Even tho now maybe sometimes Carl will come downstairs for water or a snack and be like 'you guys are still up talking?' 🤭

I do think there could have been one night where they were talking and laughing, and everything in Rick wanted to just tell Michonne how he feels and even lean in and kiss her. Because again, he’s aware during this time that he’s in love with her.

Like maybe there’s a moment where Michonne even asks about why he stopped wearing the ring, sorta like how she asked Carl why he stopped wearing the sherrif hat in season 4. And Rick is about to say something about how it didn’t feel right anymore to wear the ring while he’s in love with someone else and he’d turn that into the moment he tells Michonne how he feels about her…But I bet they do have something that interrupts his chance. Like maybe Judith starts crying or Carl or Daryl walks into the kitchen or something so they sorta have to just let the moment pass again.

While Michonne would have reacted really positively to Rick professing his feelings for her at any point during this time jump, I think the actual timing of how Richonne got together ended up being perfect for them. After all the build-up of their slow burn, I think it’s better that their first officially romantic moment didn’t have to be a whole conversation but rather them just leading with their hearts and being passionately in the moment, rather than Rick perhaps directly telling her he’s fallen for her and maybe nervously adding something like “if that’s too much right now I understand” like the talk they had in 4.11. 

But I think these unseen time jump exchanges where Rick hoped to “find his moment," is also part of why Rick had that look that he had just before he kissed Michonne in 6.10. In that scene, I always feel like he looked at her like I think this might finally be my uninterrupted chance to kiss her and oh wow she looks like she wants me to.

I also feel like some of Rick’s hesitation to make a move before 6.10 was because he really didn’t want to potentially ruin what they have now by moving too fast or escalating in a way that Michonne may not want. So I think he just decided in his mind that if ever she gives the green light then he won’t hold back in letting her know how he feels, but he’ll wait until she’s comfortable enough for that. 

Until then, he’s just loving all their little exchanges throughout the day. And Michonne loves it too. She’s also aware she’s fallen in love with him by this point, but Rick is her best friend’s dad and they have such a good thing going as a family that I think she too is hesitant to make her feelings known and find out if it’s mutual. So like Rick, she's working up to it. Especially with Deanna’s final words to her ringing through her mind often during this time - “What do you want? Now you go figure it out.”

But one morning, Michonne remembers that she still doesn’t have toothpaste of her own so she goes up to Rick’s room to borrow it like she normally does. However, this time he’s all out too. And so is Carl.

All of them being out of toothpaste ends up being a blessing in disguise tho. Because fortunately, this is also the same day Rick very intentionally finds the perfect minty alternative. 😌

And those mints lead to Rick and Michonne finally acting on all the blatant love, desire, and sexual tension that they’d been steaming up the house with the last few weeks. 

And that’s my 'little' detailed play-by-play of what I think life was like for Rick and Michonne during that very impactful Season 6 time jump. 👌🏽😊

Also, I had said in Part One that this Part Two would possibly be less lengthy, but I checked and this one is longer than the first. 😅 They were just too fun to write and imagine. Thanks for reading them! I really do appreciate each person who takes the time to read my thoughts. 🙏🏽💕

[loki-cees-all]

I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas

Cee's James Conrad Fic Masterlist / AO3 Link

Pairing : James Conrad x Female Reader

Summary : After another long journey through the hot jungle with Conrad, you come to the startling realization that it’s actually Christmas Eve.

W/c : 2.8k words

Content / Warnings : Non-traditional Christmas smut, Non-traditional Christmas fluff.

Author’s Note : This fic is dedicated to Climate Change, for making me have to suffer through 20+ years of Christmas without a single fucking flake of snow to show for it 🙃

18+ Only - Minors DNI

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Sweaty would have been an understatement. 

After two days in the jungle, after traipsing through endless amounts of grimy mud and sticky bushes and shouting yourself raw, it felt like no amount of cold showers was ever going to bring your body temperature back down to something reasonable.

Hell, it was damn near midnight now, and the outside humidity was still hovering well over 90%. But even in those conditions, the entire ordeal was worth it in the end. 

You probably spent over half an hour in the shower once you made it back to the hostel. Just standing there, letting the water run down your scalp and skin, until your muscles were too heavy and exhausted to even reach for a bar of soap. Instead, your eyes fluttered closed while your mind replayed the dramatic events over the past two days. 

Eventually you forced yourself to actually wash yourself and dry off. Conrad would surely be back soon, if he wasn’t already, and you wanted to be waiting for him when he finally returned. You wanted to hear about the look of joy on that poor mother’s face when her child was finally returned safely. 

After dressing in what passes for clean clothes these days, you begin to sweat again before even making it back to the room. Cursing God, and Lucifer, and Jesus, and anyone else you could think of, you pushed open the door and flopped unceremoniously onto the stiff bed. 

Christ, even the bedsheets were sticky and miserable. It’s a good thing you were so unbelievably exhausted, otherwise you might never be able to fall asleep tonight. And a sticky bed was way better than sleeping on the ground at least, but still - you’d absolutely murder someone just for the chance at a crisp, heavy snowfall tonight. 

For a chilly, decadent Winter Wonderland, a fuzzy sweater, and a creamy hot chocolate. It’d been ages since you’d last felt a genuine shiver…

Groaning, you slowly push up to sitting and try to blink yourself awake. While rolling your shoulders to pop your neck, you glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It read half an hour till midnight, and your heart rate picked up a little bit. Only an hour had passed since temporarily parting ways with Conrad, and you already couldn’t wait to see him again. 

To keep yourself occupied while waiting, you step gingerly over to the single table in your room and grab your canvas knapsack from the chair. Inside the bag, nestled between your empty canteen and a seemingly endless supply of empty peanut wrappers, is the journal you used to document your adventures with Conrad. 

The journal has definitely seen better days. Its edges are bent and torn, the cover is littered with mud and water stains - but it was your most prized possession. Inside those pages were beautiful, tragic, tales of both wanderlust and wonderful lust. Traveling with Conrad was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, from midnight skinny-dipping to beach camping and stargazing. 

You’d seen more marvels of the world than most people ever get to dream about. And the fact that you got to experience it all with such a stunning man was nothing more than a miracle. 

In-between those special moments, there would occasionally be a less-than savory or even potentially dangerous mission to take on. They were just in order to fund your more pleasant adventures, but even the stress and peril was well worth it to you. Every moment with that tall, devastatingly handsome, perfectly muscular and very protective former soldier was a dream come true - snowy weather or not. 

A warm breeze drifts in through the open window, charitably stirring the stagnant air in the room. It was a temporary reprieve, and just enough to get you to uncap your pen and begin writing. 

Over the next several pages, recollections of the previous days’ events poured out seamlessly. The stop at this small village, just a day’s walk from Saigon, was supposed to be a quick one; just long enough to find a place to bathe and stock up on supplies for the final trek of your journey. 

But as soon as Conrad heard a mother’s anguished screams of terror down the street, he literally dropped everything and took off running. By the time you managed to pay the vendor, gather the purchased wares from the street and take off after him, he had disappeared. 

A few minutes later you finally managed to find him, down on his knees and comforting the distraught mother in broken Vietnamese while her neighbors and other children shouted additional information to him. Eventually, he was able to determine that the woman’s youngest child, a boy no more than 2 or 3 years old, had taken off suddenly - possibly into the jungle, and definitely terribly lost. 

One look from Conrad was all it took to let you know that Saigon could wait; finding this missing child was way more important than any other task he’d ever been given. Only a monster would ever disagree with him about something like that. 

Shortly thereafter, you were journeying back into the jungle with Conrad, alongside the woman’s brother and his two eldest children. All four of you walked from sunrise to sundown, meticulously searching every inch of the earth in widening, concentric circles - slowly venturing further and further into the jungle, looking for clues and desperately calling out the name of the missing child. 

If it were up to Conrad, you knew he’d keep looking throughout the night, and that he was only stopping at sunset to give you and the others a chance to rest. But as soon as he thought you were asleep, he’d slip out of your tent and go off searching by himself all night, returning to camp just before sunrise and looking more weary than ever. 

But eventually, you all did manage to find the child. When Conrad pulled that scared little boy down from the tree, you wept actual tears of joy. He was mostly uninjured, just frightened and starving and sporting a few more scrapes and cuts than before. And after getting a little bit of food and water into his belly, the former soldier dutifully carried him all the way back to the village. 

He’d directed you to go straight to the hostel to get cleaned up while he returned the child to his mother, and that was where the journal entry concluded for now. Your eyes filled with happy tears once more as you skimmed over the words you’d just written; you’d never ever seen Conrad more pleased or relieved than in the moment when he finally located the little boy alive. 

Finding people and reuniting lost loved ones was in his blood, it was woven tightly into his DNA. It was what he lived for most; the one thing he’d never been able to have himself.  

With a relieved sigh, you flip back a few pages to check the date of the previous entry, and your breath suddenly hitches in surprise. Could this be right?! Maybe all the sweat was seeping into your brain and drowning all of your synapses beyond functionality…

But no. You double- and then triple-check. You count on your fingers, you write out each date individually in the margin of the page. The last entry, written the morning you and Conrad were due to arrive in the village, two whole days prior, was dated December 22nd. Making today…December 24th. 

Christmas Eve. 

Your heart flutters in your chest as a wave of excitement and painful nostalgia crashes over the room. Life is so much different now than when you were a kid; of course Christmas wouldn’t be any exception, no matter how much you loved the holiday. And it doesn’t feel right, sweating and feeling like you’re boiling alive on the day before Christmas - yet, here it is all the same. 

Mercifully, the pain is short-lived as you sense the familiar thud of Conrad’s boots finally coming up the stairs. The sound of his voice, spirited yet exhausted, reverberates off your skin as he laughs with another guest of the hostel. You barely have enough time to bite your lip in anticipation before he’s bursting into the room, a lovely grin on his face and his jeans and knapsack covered in dirt and muck. 

Like he’s Santa Clause, and he’s finally come round to you, bearing gifts of good news and his very own presence. 

You hop out of your seat, matching his giddy grin with one of your own. “Kid’s back home now? Safe and sound?” 

Before he can even finish nodding, you’re across the room and jumping into his arms. Luckily, Conrad is already quite adept with this maneuver and he catches you with ease, bracing his arms underneath your thighs as they wrap around his waist. 

“Was that doubt I sensed in your tone just now, darling?” he teases playfully against your lips, his large hands shifting to grip your ass. 

You laugh, wrapping your arms tighter around his neck and shifting closer in his grasp to let your lips brush against his. “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of doubting you…” 

“There’s a good girl…” Conrad purrs before closing the distance between your lips, kissing you passionately and eagerly. 

You moan into it, shifting one hand to cup his jaw as your lips part between his. Rushed and heated, his kisses taste like salt and sun and rain. Like home; a new one, completely the opposite of where you’d originally come from, but still somehow everything you’d ever needed. 

It’s funny how things work out like that. 

Before you can take another breath, he begins walking you both backwards, his hands squeezing your ass before you both go toppling onto the bed. As soon as you land and arch yourself beneath him, his kisses shift down your jaw to your neck, his teeth gently scraping against the delicate skin there. 

“Christ, you smell incredible…” he groans deeply, his hands sliding up over your hips and underneath your tank top. 

You let out a soft hum, grinning as he pushes the tank top up over your breasts, and then gasping as his lips find your nipple. Conrad was always a hungry man, but never more so than after a win like today. 

“It’s called showering, Captain. You should try it sometime…” 

His smirk grows exponentially after you tease him, devilish and intense as he crawls back up to let his lips hover just a heated breath above yours. 

“Perhaps you should’ve waited for me…washed my back, while I washed yours…” he groans, the sound of it breathless and sinfully delirious already. For good measure, he rolls his hips in an enticing manner, slowly increasing the pressure against your throbbing clit. 

As if you needed any additional reasons to want him this badly. 

With each roll of his hips, you shudder in pleasure, the need at the apex of your thighs slowly drenching the fabric between you both. You need no further enticing and pull his face down, crushing his lips against yours in an even more desperate, more hurried kiss than before.

The next few moments are a flurry of breathless moans and needy groans. Two sets of hands work on one another’s clothing, pushing and pulling and stripping until you’re both as bare as the day each of you were born. 

And then suddenly, Conrad’s inside you. That familiar stretch graces you once more, kindly blessing the ever-present ache that’s existed ever since you first laid eyes on him. Your back arches further, the heels of your feet dig into his hips and you both moan in unison as he sinks in, burying himself all the way to the hilt. 

It isn’t the first time he’d had you, nor will it be the last, but it had been almost three whole days. Too long, practically a lifetime considering how good it always is - but even so, his pace is slow and languid, like he’s savoring it. He’s not a man drowning in a river after almost dying of thirst, but a man who’s been waiting patiently for a reward most definitely well-earned. 

You can’t help the gasping laugh that escapes in a sudden rush of endorphins. Your heart lurches in your chest and your pupils dilate until there’s just a sliver of color left around them. This is a reward, yes, but it’s also more than that - it’s a gift. 

Conrad, a dedicated and well-trained soldier until the very end, doesn’t miss a beat even after you laugh again and your arms tighten around his neck. He merely nips at your jaw while a curious smirk tugs at his cheeks, his hips continuing so smooth and fluid in their undulating. 

“Something funny, dear?” 

You gasp again as he punctuates that final word by slipping a large hand underneath your skull, cradling it gently and tilting it upwards. It’s a stunning move, making you feel so safe and small while he makes love to you. Your eyelids flicker, and he follows suit as you let out yet another breathless laugh. 

“It’s Christmas…” you murmur, almost in a daze. You’re not even sure if the words are audible as a rush of light crashes over you. 

“Is it now?” Conrad grins, mistakenly taking your statement as one of pure praise instead of just a reflection of today’s date. He thrusts harder, and lets out a deep groan as your muscles tighten in response. 

You moan again and start to feel like you’re floating. Consistent breaths in and out are a thing of the past, but still, you manage a frenzied response. You want him to know the truth, to celebrate the special day with him.

“No - it’s…oh, God, fuck - the 25th! It’s the 25th…”

Conrad’s moaning along with you, drowning out any response in a sea of incoherence. His hips thrust deeper, the taut muscles of his back flexing and contracting in a quick rhythm underneath your hands. His forehead falls against yours, his gasps and exhales heavily washing over your cheeks and lips and nose. He’s starting to lose his mind, and the last thing you can see clearly are his eyes rolling back into his head. 

It’s so incredibly hot when he loses control, the shameless passion he openly shows to you and only you. It’s the complete opposite of the winter wonderland you were dreaming of earlier. But when your thighs start to shake, he changes the angle of his thrusts - and then all of a sudden, it finally feels like Christmas. 

Usually when you come, he makes you see stars, but not tonight. This time, you see Christmas lights - reds and whites and greens and blues all sparkling and dancing together in unison. The room instantaneously becomes a frigid, barren landscape and Conrad is the only warm thing left in existence, his fire crackling and popping against the deep and endless midnight sky. 

Keeping you safe inside the great big dark unknown. A guiding light towards the brighter days lingering ahead. 

You whimper as you come, from the sheer force of it, and Conrad tips right over the edge with you. His back arches to push himself deeper, his hips move frantically, pushing and pulling his cock over and over between your tight muscles like he just can’t help himself. 

And why shouldn’t he? He performed a Christmas miracle yesterday. 

It all feels like a dream, but eventually, Conrad’s hips slow, and he collapses on top of you. For a moment, neither of you can move, other than gasping for breath and whimpering with each uncontrollable twitch and spasm of every nerve and muscle. Slick skin marks both the mutual satisfaction and the need for another shower - and as long as you don’t pass out beforehand, this time you’d be honored to wash Conrad’s back for him. 

Recovery takes longer than usual. Maybe it’s the culmination of the previous few days, the heat, the date; maybe it’s the reflection of the past year as a whole, or the hopeful promises of what the next one might bring. But when Conrad adjusts, and then tightens, his arms around you, burying his face into the crook of your neck and taking in a deep breath, you know it’s all of the above.

You hug him tighter in return. You press your lips to his ear, his jaw, his hair. Anywhere you can reach, anything that’s him. He’s made your year an incredible one, and you were sure that the next one was going to be even better. 

Conrad lets out a deep, peaceful hum. One that reverberates deep into your heart and makes it skip a beat. He tilts his head and presses a deep, tender kiss to your cheek. 

“Is it really the 25th?” he murmurs softly. 

“Yeah, it is…” you laugh, turning your head and nuzzling your face against his. “Merry Christmas, Conrad…”

He chuckles and returns the sweet gesture, adding in a tender caress of your jaw. His eyes flicker up and then down your face, examining and completely mesmerized by everything he finds. Everything you feel about him, he returns tenfold, and it shows in every flicker of light in his eyes, mesmerizing and breathtaking.

“Merry Christmas, darling…”

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Click here to be added to my James Conrad fic tag list! 💙

[sapphire-weapon]

hoo boy

that is

quite a take sitting there in the leon kennedy tag

what’s with all the really bad takes happening on tumblr today, did i miss a memo or a meeting or something

should i also put forward a really bad faith and stupid take about something, just so i can fit in

i’ll have to think about what i can say

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

I gotta say, a personal pet peeve of mine is when people get really into Scourge (making aus and fanart and fics and posts and whatnot) and go "OMG Scourge needs someone to be like his Tails" and then they either make a whole new oc or assume Fiona takes that spot

Miles Erasure

[sweet-star-cookie]

so i finished the teal mask dlc

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

I'm... kind of confused about this? Like Ignatz is basically saying the only way for people to move forward is by continuing to fight and destroy? That's a pretty awful message in general, but coming from Ignatz it just feels weird. It sounds like he's just accepted war and that it's just... something that happens so we should shrug it off and move on?

I know this game tends to have very strong pro-war/pro-invasion messages which is already really gross to me, but it went from being annoying and icky to just making me feel disgusted. Also, Ignatz of all people shouldn't just shrug his shoulders and be like well that's just the way of things, I guess! There's an active war going on so it makes sense that towns could be rebuilt and destroyed again. It doesn't mean just give up on it.

Also really doesn't feel like an Ignatz thing to say.

[heloflor]

You know, considering that new untitled Peach game is a bit like Luigi’s Mansion with how it puts a Mario character in a new environment with new game mechanics, I’m kinda hoping Peach gets her own original villain the same way Luigi was given King Boo.

Hell, with Super Mario RPG coming back, which has many original characters, and with the characters from the Peach teaser being something other than Toads, it seems Nintendo might be willing to dip their toes into original characters again. So what’s better to start making new characters than by giving Peach her own bad guy ! Also the new Mario Bros game has some new characters as well from the looks of it, so again, it’s possible !

And don’t get me wrong, Bowser is absolutely iconic and I do enjoy the irony of Peach battling against him. But with this game not being a platformer, and again taking into consideration Luigi’s Mansion, it would be a fun change of pace for Peach to have a new villain in her own series (god I hope this game becomes a series of several games!!!). Plus, it seems Peach will be more and more playable in mainline games, meaning more Bowser beat-up from her anyways.

And yes, part of me wants that new villain to be a female character as it's been forever since Mario games has had one and I am very much aware of how people would go crazy over it for the shipping.

(Also going back to Bowser, it’s more of a “me” thing but I always found it slightly weird to see Bowser attack Peach, since he’s supposed to be in love with her (Paper Mario games prove it well) and in all the games she gets captured, there are no indications he ever raises a hand on her. Hell in Odyssey he’s very gentle when putting Tiara on Peach’s head. Also Peach is never particularly afraid of him despite how horrible he can be, which implies he doesn’t physically hurt her.

Fun fact : this is why I headcanon Super Princess Peach as taking place very soon after Super Paper Mario, since the two of them would have just spent weeks working together and getting along. So it would work for Bowser to lose his shit upon getting rejected yet again “despite doing everything right” and thus be willing to fight her. As for 3d World, there’s three other people Bowser can focus on to avoid hurting her)

[arttheclown]

not 2 to be vague & bitchy (trust me this does not apply to my mutuals i would never) but i can’t wait until i have time to write fic again so i can fill the t.errifier ao3 tag with content that Doesn’t either completely mischaracterize my faves or strip their relationships / personalities of every bit of depth they have lol

[ourceliumnetwork]

y'know that post that's like everyone's got their special super power or whatever, it might just look a little different from the super hero movies? right?

yeah my bio family's version of that is Impeccably Bad Timing

[boogiewoogieweeb]

#YES EDWARD #see this to me feels like a glimpse of who he used to be #of the edward little that was deemed fitting for a prestigious naval expedition as first lieutenant #this is edward little when he's not being relentless ground down by an alcoholic captain and distrust and lack of respect #and the tightrope of covering for said alcoholic captain while not appearing to be insubordinate #when he's *actually* in a position of command #look i know they don't listen to him #but it's at a point when survival overcomes any thoughts of naval hierarchy or loyalty or anything except pure will to survive at any cost #it just makes me sad #as edward little always does #to think who he used to be #and who he became after being slowly but relentlessly eroded - @muchtodoonterror

THE TERROR ▸ 1.10 we are gone

[infiniteglitterfall]

know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

[usuallydyinginside]

TLDR: Francesca Bridgerton is Autistic. Fight me.

Okay so I did not go into Season 3 of Bridgerton expecting to have any feelings about Francesca Bridgerton. We have seen her only in glimpses in the show and I have not read the books, so I knew basically nothing about her before binging the first four episodes.

But guys. GUYS. I will die for this autistic queen.

Okay, so starting with first impressions. We know that on her big day, Francesca went out of her way to avoid her nosy, loud family by having a very early, quiet breakfast by herself and then calming down via playing the piano (clearly a special interest of hers).

In her first balls, we see Francesca light up any time she talks about music (clearly her current or forever special interest) but as soon as men try to take it to a flirting place she IMMEDIATELY shuts down. It's clear that even as she states very matter-of-factly that she plans to marry this season, she also is baffled and uncomfortable any time someone tries to actually, ya know, court her.

At one of her first shindigs, she got attention and then went up to her brother and (while making almost no eye contact) told him (rather than asked him) that she needed a sec.

She then sat by herself in the side of the ballroom.

Later on, she left a ball in search of quiet and solitude to fix her sensory overload, so she went outside this time. (A thing that we know from pervious seasons is a HUGE no-no, particularly unchaperoned. But she was very respectfully near the door so maybe that's fine?) The point is that she cares very much about staying respectable so she can get this marriage thing over with and get people to stop perceiving her, yet she risks some scandal by going outside just so she can be somewhere quiet alone.

Enter: this absolute (also autistic) Prince Charming.

He says hello (so she knows he's not like trying to sneak up on her in the dark like a creep) and then just stands there. 10/10, no notes, best way to flirt I have ever seen in my life.

Seriously just look at this. I'm in love. Never before has there been a greater sign of love at first sight than in this "standing politely five feet apart in total silence in the middle of a ball and enjoying each other's company."

I need to go watch these first four episodes about a hundred more times, but I THINK this might be the first sincere smile we see from Francesca??!? I at least got the impression immediately that this is the first time she's felt genuinely comfortable and happy while not entirely alone this season.

Like, these nerds did not even exchange names. They barely exchanged a word. Yet you can see them falling head over heels in love right there in that moment. I don't even LIKE love at first sight tropes and they have my whole heart. They are the only exception.

Then, of course, you have this second absolutely iconic Scene of Silence where the entire Bridgerton family stares in neurotypical confusion a these two amazing weirdos. The way these two do not know each other but they DO know each other. The way they are both so happy and so comfortable but also still playing the whole society game the way they were told they had to?? I just don't have words right now.

LOOK AT HER SMILE, GUYSSSSSSSS.

Look how happy this tiny, silent moment is making her. How she understands immediately what he's doing and is absolutely delighted to participate too even knowing her entire family is hardcore judging them from not that far away.

And then you get this smug little look from him and it's like you can see his autistic ass thinking, "Yes. I calculated correctly. This was the correct romance option. Gold star to me." (Okay, maybe that's just how my brain works but shhhhh)

Which, of course, brings us to this absolutely hilariously awkward ND attempt at flirting. We start off with some fairly normal "whoops, I'm flustered cause you make me nervous" sort of moments, but notice how little eye contact she makes. How she only looks in his eyes very briefly and it seems like she almost has to remind herself to do so when she's doing the "polite" answers (OR later when she's genuinely interested in a topic).

So as soon as Francesca is like "oh shit, I ruined it. I forgot how to neurotypical. It's over" then she loses patience with the practiced social niceties.

I spent like 30 minutes trying to find a GIF and I should already be asleep so I'm not going to go learn how to make one BUT I needed to look up exactly what happens next cause it's basically the most autistic thing I've ever seen.

WHICH IS that in response to the second awkward silence after Francesca shares all of this, John's response is, "That is helpful. If you'll excuse me."

Then dude bro just WALKS AWAY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD.

Like it would be awkward anyway but now Francesca thinks she misread a social cue so she's feeling sad, and meanwhile this absolute king is over here on a romantic mission no one asked him to do because he is that set on showing her he's listening and cares.

The man shows up at the ball and as soon as he had a paper we were all screaming "he wrote her a song!!!"

Again, notice the eye contact (or lack thereof). I think with period dramas and women, it's easy to just go "oh she's just shy" or "she's just being demure like she's supposed to" but like NO. This girl does not want to meet anyone's eyes.

Until she does. Because in moments where she's talking about music or enjoying quiet, it's worth it to purposefully meet his eyes and see how he's feeling too. To make sure he can see she's happy.

ANYWAY, it was so much better than him writing a song for her.

SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Because he didn't just give her any ol' music. He sought out the music they'd specifically heard in the street, and he took her exact specifications on what was "wrong" with the music, and he FIXED IT. He then put the whole thing on sheet music and handed her a copy with no further explanation than this.

Our autistic lass was so excited she basically sprinted out of that ball so she could find a piano. (Which, the fact that she does this rather than try to stay and flirt/dance with the man who just gave her this incredible gift ALSO says a lot, just saying. Daphne could never.)

So our girl finds a piano and GUYS. LOOK AT HOW HAPPY SHE IS.

I'm pretty sure this woman would accept a proposal right this second. Maybe make one herself. She is so head over heels in love with this man that it's absurd. We have watched her mask in these first four episodes, but the last two where she's interacting with John are the first times she seems genuinely happy and like the real her is shining through.

Like, does she enjoy her family? Sure. But it's obvious (and she even tells us) that she finds them overwhelming and generally to be A Lot. But these scenes? This gesture?

You can just get how seen she feels. How weird and wild and amazing it is to her that this man can see who she actually is and wants to join her there instead of making her play some part of the perfect Bridgerton who likes to be the center of attention.

(And even here - the EYE CONTACT. She glances at people when she's talking to them, but the way she looks at the sheet music is so much more intense and intimate and personal than anytime she's looking at the average person in the show. She still even in places she's most comfortable, such as sitting at the piano, makes very little eye contact and only at very specific moments.)

Anyway I'm going to sleep now but I'm sure I'll add more thoughts as they come to me. Feel free to add your own case for why Francesca is autistic and/or otherwise neurodivergent. I want to hear allllllll the thoughts.

[hon3y-y]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ roommate!sukuna just can’t get enough of you…

sukuna finds his perverted roommate getting fucked and can’t look away

cw: voyeurism, pervy reader & sukuna, (ft satoru), masturbation (m&f), light overstimulation(m), Non curse AU

pt 2: here<3 pt 3: here<3 pt 4: here<3

masterlist

enjoy<3

roommate! Sukuna knows you touch yourself when he has girls over, so he makes sure to make it extra loud, having the girls basically sobbing on his cock. Meanwhile, you pathetically listen through the walls separating your rooms, hand lowered into your panties, trying to stay quiet.

You listen to the whiny mess he turns all of his hookups into, hearing the clapping of skin on skin and babbling that the girl spews, clearly drunk on pleasure. roommate! Sukuna goes for so long, and you listen to every second like a pervert. You hear every word he spits and imagine it’s you who he’s calling ‘good girl’ or ‘pretty whore’, cumming as many times around your wet fingers as you can.

Of course, roommate! Sukuna didn’t always know about his little perverted roommate. That was, until you came home one night, absolutely plastered, stumbling onto nearly every surface from barely being able to hold yourself up. As Ryo tried to help you across the apartment, you confessed your dirty secret, staring up at him with tears about how ashamed you felt, begging him for forgiveness.

Meanwhile, he was throbbing in his pants at the thought of his cute roomie desperately trying to get off because she was just too scared to ask him to fuck her stupid. he could imagine it, the way you would hopelessly hump your fingers, knowing it’ll never feel like him. the image made his ego swell. All he did was pat your head and tuck you in, and the next morning, acted as if nothing happened. not that you even realized, the end of the night still blacked out from your memory.

You decide that enough is enough, feeling ashamed by how your lack of sexual activities is being forced on your unsuspecting (👀) roommate. That’s what got you into this position:  meeting some random guy in the club and bringing him home, hoping that maybe by getting a good fuck, you’ll stop your perversion.

You and your date's moves are frantic, practically ripping off each other's clothes and desperately grinding on each other for some sort of friction. You end up in your room, articles of clothing scattered across the apartment that you didn’t care about, too busy with your head buried into the pillow as your date, whose name you learned is Satoru, licked your pussy like a lollipop, moaning like it was the sweetest candy he’s ever tasted. 

Roommate! Sukuna had been sleeping when he woke up to a thud on the wall connecting your rooms. It was a light thud, usually something he’d ignore and go back to sleep, but then it was a constant creak, followed by the sounds of your whimpers. At first, he thought you were up by yourself, trying to get off while he was sleeping, until the deep voice of a man groaned, “Fuck—take it, baby—such a good fuckin’ girl" 

Ryo nearly jumped out of bed. In the year you two have been roommates, you never invited anyone over; it was only him who would have random hookups. This was new. and as much as it was pissing him off, the bulge in his pants made the situation a little more complicated. That’s how he found himself outside your room, peering into the cracked door to watch you take another man’s dick.

You looked like you were in ecstasy—the way your hands gripped the sheets and your toes curled, the pitched whines of “yes, don’t stop—please satoru~” His hand automatically moved to palm his cock, watching as this man, Satoru, forced you deeper into the sheets, pounding into your pussy. Besides the noises that escaped your mouth, he could hear the squelch every time he plunged into your sopping cunt, making Ryo’s mouth water at how wet you must be. It almost made him angry. That was his neglected pussy, and here this guy was enjoying it. 

Still, he couldn’t deny how hot you looked. Sukuna’s body was on fire, and he moved to stroke his aching cock while picturing it as him. It was him plugging up that sweet pussy and making you cream around his cock, fucking you until you were a mess of tears and cum, leaving you shaking and unable to walk. His knees became weaker, gripping onto the walls to stroke his cock faster, and he ran his fingers over his sensitive tip, making his jaw drop.

roommate! Sukuna came all over his fingers, having to rush his hand to his mouth to stop the groan he desperately wanted to let out. His body racked and shuttered with pleasure, painting himself in his own cum. He couldn’t stop, though; Satoru had flipped you over, and now he could see the look on your face.

You looked so fucked out, panting and spreading your legs because you needed to be fucked so bad. The slight scrunch in your brow made him feral, working past the overstimulation and using his own release as lube to keep going. it was messy and completely unlike himself, but the sight of you cumming was addicting.

roommate! Sukuna, who is left quietly panting outside your door, still messy from his own cum, and still desperately horny.

roommate! Sukuna, who is officially waving the white flag in this stupid game he’s had going on, you’re his, and no one-night stand is taking that away.

a/n: hiiii<3 i’ve been super busy bc this semester KICKED MY ASS but it’s ending 🙏 so i might write more, we’ll see😵‍💫 also, i have seen requests and will hopefully upload some soon? no promises though but i’ll try! :)))

[cherrygirlfriend]

against the mirror

pairing: rafe cameron x bsf!reader

genre: smutsmutsmut, minors DNI!!! bathroom sex, PIV, cheating (rafe has a gf), mirror sex, unprotected sex

synopsis: having fun with your best friend at a party bathroom

word count: 3.5k ...

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩

You stood outside on the balcony, observing the moon that was perched on the dark sky, for once void of clouds so you could actually see it along with the stars surrounding it, your lips wrapped around a joint as you traced the constellations you could make out with your pointer finger, one of your eyes closed in concentration.

The door to the balcony opened, and you could hear the hustle and bustle from the party, loud music and shrieks of excitement drifting onto the balcony before they were muted once the door was closed once again, and you could tell who was at the door without even turning to look at him.

Rafe took the joint from your lips, a faint lipstick mark from where your lips had just been, and he brought it to his own lips, taking a slow, deep drag of the joint before taking hold of your chin, making you turn your head to him, your focus strictly on the joint now on his lips.

"It's not polite to steal." You say quietly, a grin spreading onto Rafe's lips as he finishes the joint, before putting it out and leaving it on the ash tray, the lazy grin still on his lips as he looks at you up and down. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing." He shrugged, but you've known him long enough to know that in Rafe's language, 'nothing' meant 'everything.'

"So, did your little girlfriend finally let you off her leash?"

"Sofia? She doesn't have me on a leash. Stop being dramatic."

"Mmhm, sure." You chuckled softly, lifting your brows, a challenging glint in your eyes as you bit down on your lip, Rafe's gaze quickly flicking down to your lips before he cleared his throat and looked away, taking a swig of his beer. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"I dunno. You looked bored. Can't I wanna spend time with you without you getting all interrogate-y? It's annoying as hell." Rafe scoffed, and a part of you enjoyed the fact that you were getting under his skin, a soft chuckle leaving your lips. "What are you laughing at?"

"You're cute when you get mad."

"You're drunk."

"Only a little bit." You grinned, "But not too drunk to not notice the fact that you were looking at my tits earlier."

He nearly choked on his beer from your comment, clearing his throat to try and cover it up, a flush of pink crawling up the back of his neck. "I was just observing. Come on, in that tiny dress you're wearing, can you even blame me?"

"Mmhm." You hum, and Rafe could tell that you didn't believe him, and he's not doing a good job at hiding the fact that he was absolutely not just "observing", and he was now starting to believe that you were more sober than he previously believed, judging by the smartass attitude you were sporting.

"Since when did you get so mouthy?" He said, leaning his back on the wall of the balcony, the beer lazily hanging on his hand as he tried to sound nonchalant and unaffected by the fact that he was basically just openly admiring a large part of your chest for a good few minutes, his eyes still occasionally going to your chest when he couldn't resist the urge to look.

"Since when did you start checking me out?" You lifted your brows, taking a sip out of your solo cup. A part of your brain was telling you that this little game was a bad idea, but another part of you didn't really care.

Rafe gives you a defeated huff in response, setting his beer bottle down and bringing his hand up to rub his face. You'd always been quick-witted, and it was so incredibly unfair. His eyes dart over to you again, his shoulders sagging a bit as he finally gives in. "Okay, fine, I was looking."

"Knew it." You chuckled, and he rolled his eyes, annoyed over how much enjoyment you were getting from the entire situation, his reaction only causing you to laugh even more, causing Rafe to get even more irritated, even though he'd never actually get annoyed with you, it all simply made him think of all the ways he'd love to shut you up.

Finally, he decides that he's had enough of you teasing him and bruising his ego, and so he decides to do the most logical and mature thing that came to his mind, and attempt to get back at you. Rafe lifts his arm up and slides his arm around your waist, pulling your back against his chest, a sly grin on his face.

You're surprised by the sudden movement, your eyes widening as you feel your heart start beating faster in your chest, but before you could protest, he has you effectively trapped. His arm is wrapped around you, his hand resting on your hip as you were flush against his chest, his hot breath close to your ear. "Maybe I was looking, what about it?" He says in a low, teasing tone, causing shivers to run down your spine.

"Rafe..." You breathe out quietly, making him smirk as he hears you say his name, the sound of it sending excitement throughout his body. Rafe gives you a gentle squeeze, resting his other hand on your thigh, his fingers idly tracing the exposed skin there as he starts lifting the hem of your dress. "Yes?" He says, feigning innocence, even though it was obvious that he was purposely trying to get a rise out of you.

"Your girlfriend is inside."

"She won't mind..." Rafe mutters, dismissing your concern, his hand still tracing over your thigh, lifting your hem even further. He's well aware that he's being completely inappropriate and disrespectful towards Sofia, but for once, he can't bring himself to care.

"Oh, she definitely would."

He simply rolled his eyes, even though he knows you have a point. He doesn't make a habit of being unfaithful, even if it's something simple like this, but something about you, something about that moment, whether it be your cherry-scented skin, the alcohol, or the weed, something is making him want to go against all of that. "You're a pain in my ass, you know that?"

You simply chuckled, shaking your head. "And you, or a part of you, is poking at my ass."

His breath hitched when he heard you say that, now becoming aware of the tent in his pants as you pressed your ass closer to his erection, a groan leaving his lips, shutting his eyes for a second, just trying to keep his cool. "You're like a little devil on my shoulder..." He muttered, his fingers slowly trailing to the inside of your thigh. Rafe couldn't help but be curious over how far you'd let it go, and the fact that you hadn't protested or told him to stop yet was just making him more and more eager to push it, the erection in his pants straining his boxers more and more.

"Your girlfriend is still inside, you know." You said quietly, your breath hitching as you felt his hand slowly traveling towards where you wanted him the most, and a part of you was embarrassed over the fact that he'd soon know just how wet you were already when he hadn't even touched you.

"I'm aware." Rafe mumbled, his hand giving your thigh another firm squeeze, his fingers slowly approaching the edge of your panties. He gives your shoulder a small bite, causing you to gasp and throw your head back, his lips brushing against his ear. "Why haven't you told me to stop, then?"

"Maybe I'm trying to see how long it takes for you to come back to your senses, Rafe..."

He huffs, a small scoff leaving his mouth. He knows you're trying to make him see reason, but the more you're pressed against him, your ass practically on his lap, the more common sense is leaving him. "You're the only person to ever drive me this crazy, you know that?"

"I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't appreciate hearing that..."

"She definitely wouldn't..." He mumbled, his hand sliding closer to your core, rubbing the skin of your thigh softly as you let out a low breath, enjoying the way his long fingers felt on the skin of your thigh. You're so close, he can smell the vanilla shampoo in your hair, and the cherry-scented perfume you always wear, your scent driving him absolutely insane. "I don't care. I don't care about anything right now, Except you."

Rafe knows he's not making any sense, and he knows you've got some kind of power over him, because he's seriously contemplating just saying to hell with everything else. "You're making a mistake..." You breathe out slowly, but not making a single move to try and get away from him, enjoying the feel of his muscular body around you.

"I know. I know I'm making a mistake. But you're making me crazy, and I can't think straight around you, and I need you."

"You're gonna regret it, Rafe..."

He groans against your skin, his arms wrapping around you tighter, his body acting completely on instinct right now. He knows you're right, he knows he's going to regret this once he comes back to his senses, but he can't bring himself to care right now. He just needs you right now- consequences be damned. His lips and teeth continue to work on the sensitive skin of your neck, marking you with his lips and teeth, wanting so badly to just lift you up and take you in. "I need you..."

"Rafe, where would we even..."

He lets out a low growl, a sting of arousal and lust shooting through his body, his brain struggling to think of a space without anyone around. "Closet, bathroom, somewhere, I don't care, I just need to be in you before I lose my mind."

"Alright, bathroom..."

And before you could even register what was going on, Rafe had roughly pulled you into a bathroom, quickly locking the door behind you, his hands all over your body, groping and gripping at any flesh his hands could find. He pushed you against the sink, lifting you up to sit on it.

"We gotta be quiet... and quick..."

"Don't have to tell me twice..." He muttered, one hand already slipping under the hem of your dress, and when you felt his hand start rubbing circles on your clit through your panties, you let out a whimper, so glad to finally feel some kind of friction, and he chuckled, that familiar grin on his face. "God, you're so soaked I can feel it through your panties... You're more desperate than you seem..."

"Rafe..." You bite down on your lip, watching as he unbuckled his belt, letting his pants fall down to the floor before he pulled you down from the sink, pressing his lips on yours, his hand in your hair as his tongue slips in your mouth, tasting you, his hands gripping your hair desperately while his body pressed against yours in a possessive manner, his tongue exploring your mouth, his hands roaming over your curves before he pulls away from the kiss, a string of saliva connecting your mouths.

He turned you around, his hands gripping your hips as you faced the mirror. "Bend over..." Rafe said in a commanding tone, causing shivers to run down your spine as you bent over the sink, seeing both of you in the mirror, Rafe looking over your body appreciatively as he lifted up the hem of your dress to rest above your ass, his hand traveling down to rest on your ass cheek, cupping it before delivering a sharp smack onto it, causing a squeal to leave your lips as he chuckled, bending to whisper into your ear. "Gotta be quiet, princess."

Rafe pulled back, slowly bringing your panties down your legs before standing back up, pressing so close to you that you could feel his erection through his boxers, one of his hands going down to your pussy, spreading your folds apart in a way that caused you to gasp before ending up on your wetness-covered clit, slowly rubbing circles on it.

You closed your eyes as you bit down on your lip, holding onto the sink, but when Rafe's hand stopped their ministrations, it caused a quiet whine to leave your lips. "Why'd you stop...?"

"I want you to keep your eyes open." He said, and his other hand was now on your chin, making you look at your reflection. "I want you to see how pretty you look when my fingers are pleasuring you... I want you to see how you look when you come on my cock." The idea caused a soft gasp to leave your lips as he delivered a light smack on your pussy "Are you gonna do that for me?"

"Yeah..." You said, and although your eyes were half-lidded, you could see yourself in the mirror, your eye makeup smeared slightly from the wetness in your eyes, your lipstick now almost completely gone. And as you looked at your reflection, you felt Rafe's hand travel down to your pussy once again.

You felt his erection pressing against your ass as he worked your clit with his fingers while you bit down on your lip to stop the moans that were desperate to escape your lips, trying to focus on the faint sound of music you could hear outside the bathroom instead of the way you looked in the mirror, or the way he was turning you into putty in his hands by simply rolling your clit around with his long digits.

"Rafe..."

"Yeah, baby...?" He asked, his fingers picking up their pace as he looked at you in the mirror, pressing hot kisses on the back of your neck, causing shivers to run down your spine.

"I'm close..."

And as those words left your lips, his fingers stopped, causing a disappointed whine to leave your lips as he took a few steps away from you. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because..." He said, releasing himself from his boxers as he stroked his thick, veiny cock with a low groan, preparing himself for you as a drop of precum glimmered under the yellow bathroom light. "I told you I'm gonna make you watch as you come on my cock, didn't I?"

"Yeah..." You sighed, and he got closer to you once again, his large hand coming between your legs, pushing them further apart. His fingers came to your folds, finding your entrance, already slick with your wetness, reminding you of just how close you had been to coming until he stopped you, and he let out a small 'tsk' noise, causing you to purse your lips

He ran his tip over your folds, causing a loud gasp to leave your lips as he positioned the head of his cock at your entrance, every part of your body desperate to have him in you, to feel him fill you. "Say please..." He whispered into your ear huskily, causing a small whine to leave your lips.

"Please..."

And with that, he pushed his entire length into you, not caring how rough it was, causing a loud squeal to leave your lips before he brought his hand to your mouth, covering it. "Gotta be quiet..." He said, his cock still buried inside of you. "You gonna be a good, quiet girl for me, or do you not wanna come?"

You nodded furiously, your eyes stinging with tears, and he pulled his hand away from your mouth at the same time as he pulled himself out of you, before snapping his hips forward, once again filling you as you bit down on your lip, sure you were going to draw blood.

Rafe's grip on your hips was bruising, and he picked up his pace as you desperately tried to keep quiet, one of his hands moving to grab your ass roughly, while his other hand stayed on your hip in a bruising grip, keeping you still. You looked at your reflection in the mirror, Rafe having turned you into nothing but a panting, whimpering mess, so desperate to feel him as he pounded into you. "Do you have any idea what kind of an effect you have on me?" He groaned as he repeatedly hit your cervix, one of your own hands going to cover your mouth to keep yourself quiet, feeling yourself falling apart. "You're such a brat, teasing me, then coming apart this easily for me..."

You gripped the sink, steadying yourself as he made you watch as he filled you up, his hand gripping your hair roughly, bringing your head up so you could get a better look at yourself in the mirror, so desperate for him, to feel him inside of you. His entire mind was completely consumed by you, his entire body focused on the way you felt around him, the way your hips snapped against his, the squelching noise that filled the bathroom as he pounded his cock into your sopping wet cunt.

He could feel himself getting closer, the pleasure building inside of him, his body shaking with need as he brought one of his hands to your pussy, his fingers continuing the ministrations he had started on your clit earlier while his other hand gripped onto your hip tightly, digging into your skin, his body moving against yours in a steady, but erratic rhythm. He buried his face against your neck, breathing in the sweet scent of your skin, his mind consumed with nothing but you.

"Fuck, Rafe..." You breathe out, and he moans lowly at the sound of your voice, his voice shaking with pleasure as he pounds into you, the sound of your voice like a fire to his senses as he moved faster and faster, his need for you almost becoming overwhelming.

"Say it again... Say my name..."

"Rafe..."

He groans at the sound of his name from your lips, your voice like a drug to his senses, his fingers working your clit faster, his mind getting hazier. The sounds of your bodies moving together, the sound of your voice, the feel of you in his arms, it's all becoming too much for him to handle. "One more time... say it one more time..."

"Rafe, I'm so close..." You whine, "Please, let me come..."

He gasps at the sound of his name from your lips again, a low moan escaping his mouth as his body trembles with pleasure over the way you were pleading for him to let you come as he buries his face against your neck, his body shaking against yours as he pressed sloppy kisses on the back of your neck. "Come for me, baby... Wanna see you come on my cock..."

As his fingers picked up their pace on your clit, you couldn't help but let out a moan, releasing your bottom lip from between your teeth as you felt yourself come undone, looking at your reflection, your lips trembling as you felt yourself clench around Rafe's cock, your release washing over your entire body, every vein in your body feeling as if they were lit on fire by him.

Rafe let out a low groan from behind you as he looked at the reflection, the sight of you combined with your clenching cunt around him causing him to be sent over the edge, his body trembling as he reached his own orgasm, his release spilling into you as he buried his face against the back of your neck, his breaths coming in ragged gasps.

He held you tightly against him, his body shaking from the intensity and his mind consumed with the aftershocks of his release, Rafe muttering soft curses against your skin, his mind a tangled mess of pleasure and confusion.

Your hair was sticking to your face, a sheen of sweat now covering your skin, your makeup smeared, yet you looked so pretty to him, all ruined, a mess he created. When he pulled out of you, you let out a small whine, but before any of his cum could drip out of your pussy, he pulled your panties up, delivering a soft smack to your ass before he covered it with the hem of your dress, pulling up his own boxers along with his pants.

He turned you around to face him, his thumb brushing against your bottom lip as his hand cupped your cheek. "Didn't I tell you that you'd look so pretty coming on my cock, huh?"

"You did." You chuckled softly, rolling your eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, brat." Rafe grins at you, biting down on his bottom lip. "Or I'm gonna have to punish you..." his words caused you to shiver as you leaned into his touch until he spoke up again, "I'm gonna go back to the party, and I want you to take a moment to fix your pretty face, and then come out there, where no one knows you're full of my cum... is that clear?"

You looked up at him with wide eyes before nodding. "Y-yeah..."

"Good girl." Rafe said, pressing a soft kiss on your lips, before slowly pulling himself away from you, taking one more appreciative look at your figure before walking out of the bathroom, leaving you there, your head still spinning and your pussy full of his cum.

[unequivocallyreid]

Why Didn’t You Tell Me?

it has been SO long... i was suffering from serious writers block but it think i'm finally out of it :)

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader

summary: Spencer Reid used to be your best friend, but things changed. How long can you pretend that you don't love him before it ruins you?

warnings: angst! (with a happy ending), smut (unprotected piv), character loss, mention of Maeve, very sad Spencer, mental health struggles, drinking/bar scene, light choking, fighting, slight praise kink

wc: 8.8k 🤗

i’m very proud of this one! i hope you love it!

Every morning when you wake up, you feel a familiar and creeping sort of dread in the pit of your stomach.

Don’t get the wrong idea; you love your job. You love helping people and stopping horrible people from ruining any more lives, but the creeping feeling and desire to get out is always in the corner of your mind. Anyone working in this field would tell you that. There’s no absolute separation between you and the victims and their families. You take all of them home with you, and you just have to learn how to deal with that and not let it eat at you.

It doesn’t help that it’s an isolating job as well. The last time you were in a serious relationship was in college. Now, every date you have ends in disappointment. Not only do you lack interest in most of the men and women, but it couldn’t go anywhere even if you did. 75% of your time is spent in the office, on a jet, or hundreds of miles away from your home.

All of this contributes to the feeling, but the worst part of your job is Dr. Spencer Reid.

He’s secretive and dismissive and just about the most attractive person you’d ever seen. You honestly don’t know what is worse: his constant physical presence in your life or the fact that you can’t stop thinking about him no matter what you do. You’ve tried to get over it; you’ve buried yourself in work, lamented to your friends, and gone out on dates (all with guys that looked vaguely similar), but nothing has worked. All his worst traits grate your nerves and light you up at the same time.

The worst part of it all is that it wasn’t always like this. When you first joined the BAU nearly two years ago, you and Spencer got along well. You were friends, he talked to you about his life, he understood you, and you really severely fell for him. He became your best friend.

Everything changed around six months ago. Spencer started to develop migraines, and as those developed, he started distancing himself from you. He became snippy and closed off, he started hiding things from you, and he stopped talking to you about life outside of Quantico. It was like overnight, you became nothing to him, and you really didn’t understand. Everyone else on the team got the same old Spencer, but you went from his right-hand man to someone he only spoke to when it was necessary.

Maybe he didn’t deserve to be vilified. You know, realistically, he can and should be able to decide who he wants to be close to, but working with a man who unknowingly broke your heart was close to the hardest thing you’d ever done. So, you decided hating him was easier. The real emotions you feel toward him sit somewhere inside you, but they have been covered by manufactured distaste. Addressing the actual feeling would hurt too bad, so you pretend to hate the things you used to love.

Nothing, however, could have prepared you for the last case you worked on: helping Spencer save a girl he met about six months ago, a girl he loved. You tried to stay collected, you said nothing when Spencer assisted when he shouldn’t have, and goddamn, did you do everything in your power to find that girl. Maeve. She was perfect for Spencer, and you saw that immediately. Everyone did. The sight of him sobbing in front of her body is one that will never leave your mind.

Now, two weeks later, no one has heard from Reid. The only indication that he hasn’t abandoned his life altogether is the absence of the gift baskets on his doorstep that Pen leaves daily.

Nearly everyone has been to his apartment, but they are met with a closed door and have yet to receive a response. Everyone but you.

Penelope is the first to bring up your lack of appearance at the end of a long day of paperwork.

“Y/n, please, you just have to try. No one is getting anything from him.”

“I really don’t think my presence would do any good,” you pause for a moment, trying to collect the thoughts running through your head like a freight train. “Me and him haven’t been close in a long time, Pen.”

Before you can continue, she cuts in, “Everyone has tried, Y/n. Hell, I’ve even considered tracking down Gideon, and I really, really do not want to do that.”

She pauses for a moment before looking up at you with a pout on her face, “Please, Y/n, for me. I can’t bear the thought of him in there all alone, just wasting away in grief.”

For someone who claims not to be a profiler, Penelope knew exactly what to say to get you to agree. She’s the only person in your life who you told about how you felt, though you’re sure everyone else (aside from Spencer) knew: you’re shit at keeping secrets.

“Okay, okay, I’ll try.”

She nearly bursts with excitement, “Thank God-“

You cut her off before she can finish, “But I’m telling you, I’m not the person he wants to hear from right now. Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Yes, yes. I just want him to know we all want him to be okay.”

Before you can hurry out of the office to follow Pen’s instructions, she stops you and hands you a basket full of assorted snacks and fruits.

“Make sure he eats!”

The walk up to Spencer’s apartment is a hard one to take. The smell of his building hits you as soon as you step into the lobby. From there, everything rushes back at once. Memories of nights you spent watching reruns of Doctor Who or listening to him prattle off about whatever he last read assault you with every step. As you slowly make your way up, you start to question why you agreed to do this in the first place.

You feel a lot toward Reid. More than you should and less than you could. But all that care and feelings that are so close to love aren’t enough to make you forget why you’ve been trying to hate him for so long. He deserted you without an explanation and cut you off without a warning. You spent weeks (three months) crying over him like a love-struck teen. So, as much as you want to hold him and comfort him, you know it’ll hurt you to do so. Penelope sent you, with the whole team’s approval, you’re sure, to try to patch up a broken heart he got loving someone else. There’s a sickness in your gut, but it’s not enough to stop you from rapping your knuckles against his door.

“Spencer? It’s Y/n.”

There’s no response.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now, but I want to make sure you’re alright. Can you tell me you’re alright?”

Again, nothing.

You know he’s there. Despite your lack of communication, you know Spencer well enough to know that he would never leave his life behind entirely. That being said, your next few attempts at garnering a response are unsuccessful.

You decide to try one final time before just leaving the basket alone on his doorstep and texting Pen it was a bust.

“There’s a lot I don’t know about you now, and I won’t pretend to know what you’re feeling.”

You don’t exactly know where this is headed, but you continue on regardless.

“I know you’re in there, and I know you can hear me, and I know you’re hurting. You shouldn’t- I don’t want you to be alone right now, Spence. You can either unlock your door, or I can pick it, but I’m coming in one way or the other. You know I will.”

You wouldn’t, actually. It’s a last-ditch effort, and it’s met with the same silence you’ve heard on the other side for the past ten minutes. You’re about to turn to head back down the stairs when you hear the very faint sound of a deadbolt turning.

There’s no other sound or movement, and for a moment, you think you might’ve imagined the sound, but you try the handle anyway. It turns, and the door slides open. You take a step in.

“Spencer,” you call out to him.

You don’t see him at first in the mess of his apartment, but when you do, you feel a crack form in your heart.

Beyond the clutter of his entryway, you see his back on the couch. His frame looks smaller than you’ve ever seen it, and you can see his legs curled into his chest. You set down the gift basket by a collection of others on the entry table and walk over to him. Slowly, like you’re trying not to spook a lost dog, you creep in front of him.

His head is down, and his gaze stays trained on his knees.

You reach out your hand and lay it over his. He flinches but doesn’t pull away.

“Spence, I’m so glad you opened the door.”

You didn’t plan out what you would say, but ‘sorry’ feels redundant and useless.

You go on, “I’m here. I- I don’t know what to do or say, and I’m sorry that I don’t. I can get someone else for you. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

You wait for him to say he wants Penelope or JJ, but it doesn’t come. Nothing comes. You start to move to get up, figuring you could clean up a bit and try to make him something to eat, then go, but he grasps your arm before you can.

He looks up at you, and his eyes hit you right in the gut. They’re bloodshot and sunken but still beautiful.

“Stay. Please. I just- I need to know I’m not dreaming. I keep thinking I’m dreaming.”

His voice is croaky from disuse and breaks at the end, but it’s so heartbreakingly earnest that you feel your breath catch. You move from your crouch and sit beside him on the couch; your hand is still in his.

You stay like that for a long time. His breathing is shakey and uneven, and every so often, his body shakes with what you can only assume are sobs. You stay pressed to his side the whole time, thumb rubbing back and forth over his hand.

Eventually, you speak again, “I’m gonna get you some food, Spence. You should eat.”

He says nothing back, but he does loosen his grip. You push yourself up from the coach with a promise you’ll be as fast as possible.

His kitchen is nearly empty, and you hope he’s been eating from the baskets. Still, you find enough to make noodles and butter, and you figure the carbs should help his energy some.

You return with the bowl. Spencer hasn’t moved, but his head follows you as you walk back over to him.

“It’s not fine dining.”

He studied you for a second, and you catch a glimpse of the old him in his eye.

“You did the same thing when I was sick on a case a year ago.”

You smile at his recollection.

“It helped you then.”

The rest of the night is spent mostly in silence. Occasionally, you tell him something to try to remind him that you’re there and that you won’t leave as long as he wants you there. Eventually, you get up from the couch again.

“Spencer, it’s too late to still be awake.”

He nods and still says nothing, but he is far more receptive than before. You reach your hand out to him to help him up from the couch, and he takes it.

He leads you to his room at a slow pace. His head stays down as you both take a seat on his bed, hands still interlocked. Being in his bedroom is odd for you. You’ve been to his apartment quite a few times before he disappeared from your life, but you never breached this space. It’s all very him. Almost surprisingly cozy, with books scattered around nearly everywhere there’s space.

You take in the moment for a beat before saying, “I’m gonna head home, Spencer, but please call me if you need anything at all. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

This makes his head snap up, and his eyes lock with yours.

“Please stay.”

That’s all he says, but every part of him is pleading with you. It’s not a good idea, and you know it. You’re the only person he’s seen in days, you aren’t close anymore, and you don’t particularly want to sleep on a couch tonight.

“Spencer, I don’t want to sleep in your living room tonight. I’ll come back.”

He pauses for a moment, “You can stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone.”

Your heart cracks again. There was a time when this was all you wanted. It’s still, deep down, all you want, just not like this. You know he doesn’t really want you there and he’s not himself. But you aren’t strong enough to say no, so you don’t.

He gets you clothes to wear, and you change in his bathroom. You come out and find him in his bed, laying with his back to you. You have no fucking idea what you’re doing, but you get into bed next to him anyways. There are a thousand thoughts racing through your head, but the prevailing one is how badly you want to touch him, to hold him, to make him forget, just for the night. You stay still, though, confined to the edge of the bed and start to count to drown out the noise.

Though, you can’t drown out his voice, saying, “Can- Could you hold me? I think that everything feels better when you touch me.”

Another crack. By the end of this, you know Spencer Reid is going to break your heart all over again.

~

When you wake up the next morning, Spencer is still asleep. You sneak out of his room and call Hotch. When he answers, you tell him Spencer has let you in, and you ask for time off to try to help. You can tell from his voice that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he grants you it anyway.

Much of your day is spent like the night before. You stay next to Spencer, and you cook for him after leaving to pick up clothes and groceries. Then, you get him to shower and wash his hair. He sleeps with his head in your lap, and you feel like a fucking idiot at first, but as long as it’s helping him in some way, you let it happen.

That’s the thing: you don’t really know how to help him. You know he isn’t the type to talk about something until he is entirely ready, so all you can do is add something domestic and bright to his life while he grieves. It’s all you can think about in the moments of silence. Hell, you even read to him to try and get your mind off of it, but it barely helps.

The night is the same. You change in different rooms and slip into his bed at different times. You feel dirty for imagining what it would be like if the circumstances were different: if he wanted you like you have wanted him for the past two years. You hold him against you, and you pray for sign that you should be there.

The sign comes the following morning when Derek calls you.

“Y/n…”

You can hear his teasing tone over the phone.

“Hi, Derek.”

“What are you doing, mamas?”

You sigh, “What do you mean?”

You’re playing coy. You know he’s wondering why you’re at Spencer’s house, picking up the pieces, but you won’t be the one to bring it up.

“Why’d you ask Hotch for the week off, Y/n?”

Another sigh, “You know why, Derek. I just, I want to help him.”

“I know you do, Y/n, I know.”

He pauses for a moment, and you let the moment fill with silence.

“I know you care about him. We all care about him. But who is taking care of you?”

“I am. I can take care of him, and I can take care of me.”

“I know you can, but I don’t want you to get hurt, Y/n. Don’t let this be something that hurts you.”

“It won’t. I- You have to- Fuck, I’ll be fine. He’s not fine. I don’t care about me or any feelings that may get hurt right now. I’ll be fine.”

There’s another bear of silence, “Okay, Y/n. Just know you’re allowed to tap out.”

You try to think of anything else to say, but nothing comes, so you say your goodbyes.

You won’t need to tap out. You can take care of him and be good to him and ignore the other feelings you have. You can be good.

The call does make you think it’s time to push, to try harder, to help him get better. So, you approach him that day before bed, before he tucks himself into your arms and falls into a fretful sleep.

“Spencer?”

He takes a moment and then responds, “Yes?”

“You have to talk about it. I think that you need to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be to me but to someone.”

He’s quiet for a long time, and your breath is caught in your throat, waiting for him to say anything.

“I- I don’t want to,” his voice cracks while he says it.

“Spence, you can’t come back if you don’t. You can’t move forward if you don’t.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.”

A ringing echos in your ears.

“You don’t mean that. She- she would want you to keep going.”

Wrong thing to say.

“You don’t know anything about what she would want.”

He’s seething now, below the surface, but smoke has started to plume from his ears. Still, you don’t stop.

“Spencer, everyone knows that. No one would want you to put your life on hold.”

He speaks his next line through his teeth, “You don’t know anything, Y/n.”

You’ve never heard him sound so angry.

“Spencer-“

“No, just stop. You don’t know her. You don’t know me half as well as you think you do. You don’t know anything. I don’t even know why you’re here. I don’t want you here. You can't be what I need.”

The ringing in your ears is louder.

“Spencer, please. Just-“

“No!” His voice is raised now, bordering on a yell, “I don’t want you here. I want you out, Y/n.”

This has to be what shell shock feels like. The ringing, the tingle in your limbs, and the heat in your face. You don’t know how you are moving, but you are.

His voice is echoing in your head, or maybe he’s still talking, but you can’t tell either way. The only thing you can focus on is how Spencer sounded like he hates you and that Morgan was right about the hurt.

~

You spend the next day trying desperately to shut down the noise in your head. It doesn’t work. The day after is the same. And the days following that. You ignore calls when they come, you ignore the texts, but you can’t stop looking at your phone for a message from the man who fills your thoughts.

Spencer doesn’t call, obviously, and you have to sit with a pit in your stomach while you beg yourself to just get the fuck over it. Two years of reckoning with the severity of your love, months of watching him live happily without you, and it’s the three days you spent trying to help him feel incrementally better that floor you.

You feel like a dumb teenage girl with so much love and nothing to do with it. On top of everything, you feel selfish. Spencer lost the love of his life forever, and you’re nursing the worst heartbreak of your life because a boy will never want you and never has. Still, you send out prayers for him over and over. You hope you’ll see him in the BAU again, even if his eyes glaze over you. Hell, even if they look at you with hate the way they did two days ago. You just want him to function. You want him to be good and eventually be happy. You try to go to bed with soothing thoughts, but you end up with a mantra of his name.

You wake to your alarm and dress for work before you realize you aren’t actually supposed to go back yet. You never set a date to return. You wanted to be open as long as Spencer needed you. You’re supposed to be with him. You’re supposed to be helping and not tapping out. But you aren’t.

You have no reason not to return to the bullpen, so you do. You walk in and feel eyes on you. You wait for Morgan to call out to you, but he doesn’t, so you follow the feeling.

Your breath catches in your throat; it’s Spencer. He’s sitting at his desk, paperwork spread out, and he doesn’t look away from your gaze; he just holds it. His face is unreadable, and yours is definitely not, so you look away first. You don’t look up again until you reach Hotch’s office. You knock and hear him call out to come in.

“I’m back if that’s okay.”

He looks up at you, and you want to cry. You know he can read you. He has always been the best at it.

“Are you okay with that, Y/l/n?”

You lock eyes with him, “Yes, sir.”

It’s no use; he knows your tells and you aren’t being honest.

“Alright, conference room in five.”

Whatever he sees in your face, he ignores and takes you at your word, but there’s a warning in his tone. He knows when to let things go and when to push. More than that, though, he knows you’d never let something like this affect your work.

~

The first case back is in Maryland, and the one after is in Austin, and the next is in Philadelphia with The Replicator. The job takes you all over the country, and the cases blend together. You don’t speak to Spencer through all of it. You’re never partnered, never work together, you sit on opposite ends of the jet. You don’t even speak at Strauss’ funeral. It’s radio silent, and everyone notices it, but no one brings it up.

In that time, you allow yourself to slip away slightly. You don’t go out with the team, you see Pen at nearly half frequency, and basically, the only time you speak is on cases. It’s stupid and melodramatic, but you call it healing. Derek tries to reason with you, JJ sticks to you a bit more than usual, and Penelope calls you virtually whenever she can, but their efforts are mostly in vain. This is your way of protecting yourself. You feel like you have to isolate in order to improve, and you know, given time, you will come back to yourself.

Penelope’s insistence that you go to her Day of the Dead celebration breaks your distance.

“Y/n, please come. I know you aren’t going out, but you have to. I know you have people to honor, and I need you there.”

You sigh, “Whose going, Pen?”

“The team, which you are a part of, so you must be there.”

“I don’t think I can do that. I promise you I will celebrate with you. I’ll help you set up, just please don’t make me go.”

Penelope pauses, but the glint in her eye keys you into the fact that she is not interested in giving up.

“We miss you, Y/n. Everyone loves you and misses you. You’ve been living this stupid, isolated life, and it’s time for you to come back. You are not this person. I refuse to believe it. You’re coming, and that’s final.”

Maybe you don’t have the energy to argue, or maybe you know she’s right, but you agree to go.

~

The thought of seeing him makes your heart race, and the clock you keep glancing at makes it worse. Just a few more hours before you're trapped in a confined space (Pen’s beautiful home) with a man you haven’t spoken to in weeks.

You busy yourself with preparing. Lights are hung, food is made, and you make a trip to the store while Pen sets up her remembrance table. When everything is said and done, you can’t help but feel this is the most beautiful thing you’ve been a part of in a long time.

The first knock comes at 7:30 exactly, and it’s Hotch and Rossi. They are followed closely by Blake, then Derek and JJ. By 7:00, the atmosphere is light and loving, and you feel a bit of your anxiety let up as the minutes go by without Reid. But, eventually, the knock comes, of course it does, and you move into a corner as Spencer walks in. You feel a shift in energy, though you doubt it’s palpable for anyone else. Rossi is the first to make his way over to you, and his presence comforts you nearly immediately.

“How you doing, kid?” His voice is soft like he’s speaking to a scared rabbit.

“I’m better,” you say, and it’s about as honest as you can get. As much as you’d like to think he knows nothing about what’s gone on, you’re smarter than that. He’s the best profiler on the team, and he’s always known when someone was off with you. Even so, you are better than you were, even if you aren’t quite good, and you know he believes you.

There’s some idle conversation between you before he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not tonight. I don’t know when, but I will. Eventually, I will.”

It’s good enough for him, and you move on easily, which surprises you.

Right before Pen gathers you all to present your photos, he says, “Sometimes we think we’ve seen the whole picture, but we miss a big part. People do things because they don’t want to be hurt, but those things hurt them more. Just, be open.”

You don’t quite understand what he means, but you hope you will.

Penelope presents the first picture, which shows her parents. JJ honors her sister, Derek, his dad, Hotch Haley, and Rossi, Hernandez; then it’s your turn. You place down a photo of your best friend. You hadn’t talked much about her, but you think of her daily. She passed a few years before you joined the BAU.

“I was lucky to have someone that hurt that much to lose.”

That’s all you say, but it’s enough for you, and it would be enough for her.

Spencer is last. He places down a picture of Tesla and a picture of Maeve. Your heart is heavy for everyone.

The night dwindles from there. Hotch and Rossi say their goodbyes, and Rossi gives you a knowing look as he leaves. You just smile. You stay for a few minutes after, but eventually, you move to leave as well.

You make it down Garcia’s porch before you feel a hand grab your arm. You turn, and it’s Spencer’s face you see.

“Would you- Do you think you could come over? Do you think we could talk?”

~

The feeling you have walking up to Spencer's apartment is similar to what you felt the last time. You’re incredibly anxious, but at least you know you’ll be let in this time.

The drive over was silent. Spencer had taken the metro to Penelope’s, so he rode with you. It wasn’t necessarily awkward. There was just an understanding that the car wasn’t the place to begin your conversation.

Now, as Spencer unlocked his door, it’s one of those rare moments you felt starved for words, and you know it’s because you’re scared you’ll say the wrong thing and face the same reaction that you did the last time you were in his home.

He leads you to his living room and motions for you to sit, and you do. The two of you are on opposite ends of his couch while you wait for him to say something.

His first words are airy and light, “Thank you for letting me talk to you.”

You look at him but remain silent, waiting for him to go on. All you can think about is why he wants to speak to you at all. The last time you spoke, he made it incredibly clear he did not want you in his life or around him at all.

Before you can think about it more and let your anger and sadness build, he speaks again, “I feel really stupid right now. I kind of feel stupid whenever I’m around you recently.”

He pauses momentarily before going on, “I’m so, so sorry, Y/n. About the last time we spoke. I’ve been thinking about it pretty constantly for the past few weeks.”

You open your mouth, unsure of what exactly to say, but you can’t get there before he’s off again.

“I’m not sure how to talk to you anymore. I don’t think I’ve known how to for a long time. I just, I need you to know how sorry I am for speaking to you like that.”

He takes a shakey breath but keeps going, “That wasn’t me, and that isn’t how I feel. I’m just unbelievably sorry, Y/n.”

He stops there, and you work to collect your thoughts.

“I know. A part of me knows, at least, that you didn’t mean it. I just wanted to be there for you, and hearing that made me- I just- I think it made me hate myself for wanting to be there.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m unbelievably sorry.”

“You didn’t talk to me for months, Spencer. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why you let me in in the first place. I thought you hated me.”

He’s silent for a long minute.

“I never hated you, Y/n. I just stopped knowing how to act around you, and then I met Maeve. I fell so deep into it that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I- And I just started to feel like you didn’t want me to speak to you, so I didn’t. But, when you came here, after everything, I guess I just felt like you were the only person who would get it. You never, no one on the team ever treated me or talked to me how you did. I just wanted that.”

Tears had begun to well in your eyes now. A part of you gets what he means, at least about letting you in, but the other part is so confused as to why he stopped being comfortable around you.

“I don’t understand, Spencer. Why did you stop knowing how to be around me?”

There’s desperation in your voice that makes you sound like a stranger to yourself. Maybe you’re a stranger to everyone right now.

“I uh, I don’t really know.”

“That's not fair, Spence.”

You’re crying now. Just a little bit, but you can feel the wetness on your cheeks. You can see that you are by the look on his face. He looks broken, and you know it's a reflection of your own image.

You wipe your face, “Thank you for apologizing, Spencer. I just, there are parts of this all that I don’t understand, and if you can't explain them to me, I don’t think I ever will.”

“Y/n-,” he calls out your name like a prayer.

“It’s okay, Spence. You don’t have to say anything more. We talked, and things will go back to how they were eventually.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/n.”

You smile sadly as you get up to leave.

“I am, too, for what it's worth. For whatever I did to make things change in the first place.”

You leave it at that, and it takes everything in you not to look back as you leave his apartment.

~

Things do get easier after that. Not completely. You still love him, and it hurts, but it helps to know he doesn’t hate you. He talks to you some, cordial things, and you do the same. You're sure your teammates still sense something is off, but this works for you. Right now, it works. Getting over him, not loving him anymore, is going to take work, but eventually, you know that you won’t hurt anymore.

Shortly after you and him talked, you started going back out with your friends. Spencer joined periodically, but that was normal. Bars were never really his scene.

Tonight, everyone gathers at your local pub. Your last case was particularly grueling, and you all need a way to blow off some steam. It's fun, and you feel good, even with Spencer sitting across from you. You feel proud of yourself for getting to this point.

JJ and Penelope feed you drinks to try and get you to dance, and you let them. Tonight feels as good of a night as any to ‘get back out there’ as Pen says. So, you do. You dance with them, and you ward off the other cops and agents around you who try to pull you away from your group. You aren’t interested in that. Right now, you're just having an appropriate amount of fun for a woman 15 feet from her boss.

Time goes by quickly, and by the time you get back to the table, you, Derek, Penelope, and JJ remain. He tells you that Hotch, Rossi, Reid, and Alex left a few minutes before. The conversation between you flows for a while, up until the drinks loosen Penelope up enough to bring up what you were pretty sure the team designated a no-no topic.

“Y/n, you have to talk about it.”

You’re still laughing as something Derek said when you reply, “What?”

“You know what. You and Boy-Genius. What on Earth happened? You went from ice-cold to semi-friendly. None of us saw it coming.”

“Babygirl-,” Derek tries to stop her, but you cut him off.

“No, it’s okay. I have to talk about it at some point, and I think right now is the only time I’ll be tipsy enough to let you get it out of me.”

You're still laughing slightly, but the pit that's lived in your stomach for the past few months starts to rear its head.

“After your Day of the Dead party, he asked to talk to me. I went to his place, and he apologized. I don’t really understand what he said or what he meant, but I can’t be sad about him forever.”

Pen perks up a bit at that, “I knew that party would bring good things!”

You giggle a bit at her outburst, but then JJ asks, “What did he say?”

The faces around you all tune in at that. You know they don’t see this as gossip. They care about you both too much to trivialize it like that.

“He just said that he stopped knowing how to act around me, and he didn’t know why, but then he met Maeve, and I guess it didn’t matter so much after that. He was my best friend, and then he was nothing.”

JJ shares a glance with Derek and then speaks, “Oh, Y/n.”

“What?”

After a beat, Derek says, “He didn’t just not know how to act around you.”

Now you're confused, “What do you mean? I talked to him, that's what he said. He didn’t know why. I mean, he knows everything and didn’t know why he didn’t want to be around me anymore. How fucking stupid is that.”

You laugh again, but it does come off as genuine in the slightest.

“Y/n, he probably doesn’t really know why. At least not fully. For someone as smart as he is, the kid can be really stupid.”

“Stop being cryptic.”

Derek sighs but goes on, “Pretty girl, pretty boy was in love with you. Probably still is. He just didn’t think you’d ever feel the same.”

“No. That's not true.”

You look at the others around you, but their faces are serious.

“He loved Maeve. He loves Maeve. That, that doesn’t make any sense.”

It's JJ’s turn to talk now.

“He definitely did love Maeve, no one is denying that, but we all saw how he was around you. His whole relationship with her was safe. He couldn’t be hurt by her rejection every day because he had no way of seeing her. With you, he could.”

Your mind is moving a mile a minute, “Did he tell you guys this?”

Penelope puts her hand over yours and says, “He didn’t have to, love. We all say the way he looked at you and acted around you. The way he talked about you. That boy was head over heels.”

“Guys, I appreciate whatever you’re trying to do, but this isn’t real. Spencer doesn’t- this is not real.”

“Y/n, pause. Think about the way he acted around you, the things he said. Think about how Reid is.”

You hear what Derek said, but it all sounds faint like someone stuffed your ears with cotton while you weren't paying attention. All you can focus on are the different scenes running through your head, the scenes of your life with Spencer in it. How he memorized your coffee order and brought it for you every day, how he never shied away from your touch despite his aversion to contact, how he consistently went out of his way to protect you on the field. At his house after everything, the way he clung to you and wanted to be held. How he said in his own words, “You can't be what I need”; not “you aren’t,” but “you can’t.”

Your whole world is crashing down in this bar, and you can’t do anything to stop it.

“Y/n?”

JJ’s voice snaps you out of your spiral.

“Just go talk to him.”

You nod mutely, and you get up.

~

Everything in the last ten months of your life has led you to the exact spot you were when everything blew up in the first place: Spencer’s door.

This time, you aren't too worried about him not letting you in. If anything, it's the opposite. Him opening this door could open a hundred others, and you don’t quite know if you are ready for any of them. You sit there and sit there and sit there, trying to work up the courage to knock, though you aren’t sure it's there to begin with. Right as you're about to walk away and decide you’ll come back another day, his door swings open.

“Y/n?”

His face is lit up with shock, and you notice his hand that is not on the door is holding his pistol.

“What are you doing here?”

You don’t answer, “Why did you open the door?”

He sets his piece down on the entry table before responding, “I heard footsteps in the hall and saw they stopped here. I was anxious. 50.3% of home invasions happen between 8:00 pm and 7:00 am.” He cuts himself off there, “Y/n, why are you here?”

You didn’t pay attention to anything he said. All you could think about was the way his lips were moving and the way his eyes locked onto yours as he talked.

“Do you love me?”

That is not what you wanted to say.

His lips fall open as he takes in a sharp breath, “What?”

“Or I guess did you love me? Before everything? Because Derek and JJ and Pen, they all said that you loved me, and now I can’t think about anything else, Spencer.”

He doesn’t speak, but you don't really give him a chance to.

“I just, I know I sound crazy right now, but I feel fucking crazy. I keep going over everything in my head, and I have been, for the past year I have been, but now it’s all different. It's all different because they said that you loved me, but you didn’t think I’d feel the same way.”

Here, you do pause, but he still doesn’t say anything, so you go on before you can stop yourself.

“Because if that's true, Spencer, it's just- I did. I do. And if it's not, then please just tell me so I can stop feeling this way.”

He sounds resigned when he says, “Y/n,” and you feel like you know what that means.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I'm doing this. You don’t have to say anything. Actually, please don’t say anything. I don't think I can hear it. Just pretend I never-”

He cuts off your ramble, “Y/n, stop.”

You draw your eyes from the floor, look up at him, and find something in his gaze you have never seen before. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you, and it takes everything you have not to look away. His hand raises to cup your jaw, and your skin lights on fire. Before you can process what he’s doing, you feel his lips press against yours, and something clicks. At first, his touch is light, like he’s giving you the chance to pull away. But, when he grasps that you won’t, he presses himself to you harder, and all you can think about is how nothing has ever felt so right.

His lips move against yours, and you don’t know how you're managing to reciprocate because it feels like everything in your body has gone fuzzy. The kiss is by no means long, but it feels like it lasts forever, and by the time he pulls away, you’re breathless.

His forehead stays connected to yours, and he whispers, “I do, Y/n, love you. I have.”

You don’t feel the tears on your cheeks until he’s wiping them away.

“Oh, Y/n.”

“Did you know? That you did? Is that why…”

You trail off, hoping he’ll pick up on what you're asking, and he does.

“I didn’t at first, or I didn’t realize I was falling in love with you until it happened. I got scared, so I ran. I just never thought that you could feel the same or that I was hurting you. I didn’t realize that. I just thought I was doing what was best for us. I felt guilty for being in love with my best friend.”

“And Maeve?”

“I loved Maeve. I’ll always have love for her. I was trying to move on, and I thought I could eventually be with her and be around you without it hurting. I wish I would have told you this before.”

“You’re telling me now. That's enough.”

This time, it's you who pushes your lips to meet his. Your arms snake around his neck, and his fall to your waist. You follow when he pulls you into his apartment and closes the door. There is still pain on both sides, but you can feel it dissipating as you cling to each other. You’re just two broken people who have finally found a way to each other.

This kiss is different, hungrier. Neither of you pulls away for longer than a few seconds as you navigate your way from his entryway to his couch. Every touch is desperate like you're searching for something you never knew existed until now. His hands pull you closer and closer until he's pulling you on top of him, and each of your legs rests on opposite sides of his hips.

Your lips break from his for a moment, “What do you want, Spence?”

His reply is instant, “You.”

From there, things move faster. Your hands unbutton his shirt and push it from his shoulders while he undoes your pants. There are moments of awkwardness that come with exploring another for the first time, but it feels good. His hands trace over your hips and push further until you're left on top of him in only your underwear and bra. He takes you in like you are something to be marveled at, and you know your eyes reflect the same adoration.

You raise yourself off of him and work to get him in the same state of undress as you, and when you position yourself on top of him, you feel his length press against your center. The two thin layers of fabric do little to hinder the intensity as you rock into him. He lets out quiet moans at the action as his lips trace down your neck and over your collarbone.

His breath ghosts over you and makes you shiver when he asks, “Can I touch you?”

“Please.”

His hand moves between the two of you, and his fingers find your clit easily, rubbing circles over the fabric of your panties. You pant his name against his lips at the action. You feel like your whole body is lit up, and under any other circumstance, you'd feel embarrassed at how worked up you are, but you can’t seem to care.

After a few moments, he lifts you up and carries you to his bedroom. From there, he positions you below him on the bed, removing your remaining clothes in the same motion. The new setup lets you grip him, and he feels big in your hand. His fingers resume their previous assault before dipping down into you. You cry out at the feeling of him inside you, slowly pushing in and out, finding a spot that makes your legs start to shake. He’s relentless in his pursuit and all you can muster up the energy to say is his name.

“You’re so beautiful, Y/n.”

It's somewhere between a whimper and a whisper, but the sound of his voice causes you to clench around his fingers.

He picks up on this, of course he does, and quickens his pace as he coos at you.

“So pretty like this. I’m so lucky.”

You’re embarrassingly close already, so when he moves his thumb over your clit to rub circles as he fucks into you with his fingers, you come undone almost instantly with a warning and cry of his name. He works you through your orgasm, all while whispering praise in your ear. Once you come down from your high, you start to push his boxers down his legs, but he stops you before you can fully.

“We don’t have to do anything more, Y/n. I liked just making you feel good.”

“I want more. I want to feel you if you want that too.”

“Of course I do. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

“I couldn’t regret this, Spencer. I love you. I want all of you.”

It's the first time you’ve actually said those three words to him, and it feels so fucking good to say.

“I love you, too. God, so much.”

With that, he positions himself back on top of you, running his fingers over your slit gently before gripping himself.

“Do you have a condom?”

“I might somewhere, but I have an IUD, and I’m clean. I can try to find one if you’re more comfortable with that?”

“IUDs have a failure rate of around .05% and are largely considered the most effective form of birth control, so uh, as long as you're okay with it, I am.”

You smile to yourself at his statistic but nod, “I want to feel you, Spencer.”

He returns your smile before rubbing his length over your entrance a few times and slowly pushing himself into you just slightly. He teases you, or maybe himself, for a moment before fully entering you. You push your hips up to meet his, and feeling him in his entirety makes your jaw fall open. He’s big, and you feel unbelievably full.

He waits a moment for you to adjust before he starts to develop a rhythm. His hands are everywhere, but his eyes are focused solely on your face like he doesn’t want to miss a moment of your reaction to him inside of you. To be fair, you are probably putting on a good show. Every movement he makes hits you in exactly the right spot, and you don’t think you could be louder if you tried. You can feel the leg he’s not holding up against his shoulder shake against the bed. Your first orgasm has made way for your second to be incredibly close.

“Spencer, please.”

You’re crying out, desperate for a little more to push you over the edge.

“What do you need, baby?” His voice is tight like he’s not far himself, and it sounds better than anything you’ve ever heard.

“Harder. Please, harder.”

He takes your direction immediately, rubbing circles on your clit with one hand while he thrusts into you with a bruising force. He’s fucking you like he wants you to remember the feeling long after he stops, and you know that you will. Everything about it is overwhelming: his smell, his pace, his eyes. You are covered in him, and he is covered in you.

After a moment, the hand he had on your stomach trails up to grasp lightly at your throat, and you fall into feeling. You can’t warn him that you're about to come before you do. The feeling is white hot. Bigger than your first, and the fact that you're coming on him sends you into overdrive. You can feel his hips falter for a moment, but you're lost in a daze, crying out his name.

He pumps into you a few more times before he follows suit. He pulls out, and you feel stripes of his come paint your cunt and lower stomach as he finishes with a moan of your name.

He falls next to you on the bed, and it takes you both a few moments to collect yourselves and catch your breath.

Once you do, the only thing you can think to say is, “I love you.”

It feels like those are the only words circling around in your head at the moment. Some mixture of his name and that declaration. While you know you each said it before, that your profession was the exigence of the sex you just had, it feels uniquely vulnerable to say now. It’s like the moment you just had together could have changed things or made him realize that he doesn’t actually love you after all.

That shoe doesn’t drop, though. Instead, you hear the three words echoed back to you by a man who, 6 hours ago, you thought would never, ever say them.

You turn to face him, and the love on his face feels like it could knock you out. He’s looking at you and smiling in a way you haven't seen in a long time.

“Will you let me clean you up?”

You know that part of the reason he’s asking has something to do with the likelihood of bacteria growth or something like that, but you think it's mainly that he wants to take care of you. Him wetting a rag and running it over you feels intimate in a different way, in an excruciatingly gentle way. Personal in a way that makes you feel like nothing between you could ever be wrong again, and maybe that's naive to think, but you feel hopeful regardless.

Once he finishes, he takes his space back next to you in the bed. This time, he pulls you into his arms, and it's different than it was all those months ago. This time, you know that he won’t push you away and that you won't hurt yourself by being next to him. This time, you just tuck yourself into him, and you let him whisper sweet nothings into your ear as you begin to drift off. This time, it feels like peace.

~

The following day, you wake up to Spencer still next to you, looking incredibly soft in the early morning light. You search for a moment to find your phone in the piles of clothes and are greeted with a text from Pen.

How did it go????

You smile before turning your phone off and climbing back into bed next to the man you love. It couldn’t have gone better.

-

all done! yay!!!

i hope you guys love it!! i’m not 100% happy with the ending but i’ve been writing this for so long and just needed to be done.

this is my first time writing angst on here and my longest fic, so PLEASE tell me what you think! all (nice) feedback is welcome and i love to hear from you guys!! :)

[isaacathom]

anyway unrelated to the fraughtness of interacting with people, i slept over at a friends house while they made me nice chicken and potatoes and we watched the first three episodes of firefly, which i actually really liked! i dont like... particularly like river or jayne, for what i hope are understandable reasons, but i think the whole things just. :) its neat.