#that fact always make me so fucking sad
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god. something about samfro is so…
#idk. something ab the fact that Sam is a gardener and a cook. or at least enjoys/is good at cooking.#like…. the implications. the fact that out of all the companions you could have chosen to accompany our frail sad protagonist#into a harsh grey land with no joy and no light or warmth#the fact that Sam cooks for him?? for both of them?!#the fact that he kept soices in his pocket and carried it all that way?? just in case they were having a roast chicken one night!!!#(*spices)#the way he makes sure Frodo always gets enough food and drink. that he always gets enough to eat. even when Frodo is so weak and tired#like!! theyre in the middle of a wasteland so far from home but Samwise Gamgee is cooking him a hot meal and filling his belly with soup!!#it’s SO fucking tender and SO fucking special to me#I love Sam so much and I love those gay little hobbits#do you remember the taste of strawberries….#samfro#samwise gamgee#frodo baggins#lotr#oh btw Vee if ur seeing this. this was unfinished in my drafts but I decided to complete my thoughts and post it right now just for u#I wanted to make you feel insane hope u enjoy
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I feel like I'm going insane. That episode read to me as a lot more tragic than other people are reading it. Yeah they were racist and rich and spoiled and awful but they were just kids. They were all just kids. Lindy was absolutely terrified throughout the whole thing and clinging desperately to what she knew, which was terrible. They could've had the chance to learn and become better but they chose to go die and it's infuriating and tragic because nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves to be eaten by slugs or die of exposure in the woods. Nobody deserves to suffer like that. But they chose it rather than let the Doctor help them because they'd rather stay in their rich white supremacist bubble and he just wants to help and there's nothing he can do.
Maybe it's because one of my core beliefs is that nobody deserves death and suffering. Nobody. Even the worst person on earth can learn from their mistakes and come back and change and everyone deserves that chance. There's no such thing as too late. But they're never going to get that chance because they actively rejected it and to me that's still very, very sad.
#dead men do tell tales#doctor who#doctor who spoilers#dot and bubble#I am losing my mind. I am actually losing my mind#maybe it's because my brain is always telling me that I'm the worst person alive#instead of just saying that no I'm not my response is to say yeah okay and even the worst person alive doesn't deserve to die and can chang#what matters is that I'm taking the next step. and anyone can choose at any point to take the next step#and they actively rejected doing that and it's sad and infuriating#because nobody deserves to die#but they get what they chose#there's also the fact that I was raised by racist trump supporters and had to unlearn a lot of shit#which I was only able to do because I got out of my small town cult bubble and I was actually willing to listen to people#the problem comes when you see assholes and go wow look at those horrible unsympathetic assholes I could never be like them#by treating them as solely monstrous and something completely different from you you ignore your own ability to be monstrous#because you're not like them you're better#even the worst person is still a person and not some cartoon villain#and thinks that their actions are justified#and I'm always looking at people being assholes and going what makes you think this behavior is okay. you clearly think you're in the right#seriously what makes you think this. I want to know your exact thought process so I can stay far the hell away from it#I've been the asshole thinking I was completely in the right and I've seen people be absolutely horrible and justify it to themselves#so I'm always aware that this could be me. I could be being a total fucking dick. so I'm going to study you so I can avoid that#also the next person who says it was because they didn't learn empathy/were unempathetic gets slapped
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There is literally no winning with me. Spent time with my friend and went shopping, zoomed around in a mobility scooter buying new sleep shirts and snacks and fun shit. Then we hung out here for an hour or so until I had to go lie down because pain and she left. Fun right? What I’ve been longing for?
So why is it that all I’ve done since she left is cry? I’m such a needy bitch at the moment and it’s so annoying. Probably also due to the fact that she and our other friend are going to the seaside tomorrow and I can’t go because - yanno - two hours of sitting put me in agony maybe.
I hate this.
#idk what I’m doing tomorrow probably nothing because pain and also what the fuck can I do?#everyone is busy which is good but I’m not and I’ll be laid in bed all day doing nothing#and it’s like obviously I don’t think people should have to talk to me or whatever yanno but it would be nice if they wanted to#but also I recognise that I’m a lot right now#not saying that’s a bad thing it’s just a fact I am a lot because it’s hard and I’m sad so it makes sense that people can’t deal with that#always#it just sucks#anyway#Dee talks
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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Can- can I ask about the Somali pirates?
Hi hi, Lili! Yes, of course. Tbh I shouldn't have called them "pirates" they are known as such and treated like villains, but they're more like unofficial naval guard! The official naval guard was disbanded in the 90's due to the civil war that broke out [btw this civil war is why I'm diaspora! My maternal family fled to Djibouti or elsewhere. My dad came to Canada due to it.] Anyway! Other nations took advantage of this as they tended to do and started fishing illegally in the waters! Somali citizens rely on fishing to live [also farming and agriculture bc I also recall there was a drought and famine going on] so they turned to "piracy" to stop these thieves from stealing from them! Of course, these outsiders didn't like it and called it "piracy." they shouldn't be there in the first place!!!
BFJRKRKRKR I TALKED IM THE TAGS AND REACHED THE LIMIT I AM SO SORRY LMAOOOOO
Other than Puntland there is also Jubbaland ok lol I love talking about my people's history too much
#momo's fantastical replies#so anyway I saw other Somali ppl calling them the naval guard and jumped on it#but I have always gotten heated when ppl treated Somali Pirates like villains#but iirc even South Park defended them? lol they even got ppl speaking Somali in it!#talking about how they did this for survival!#lili#lixenn#also yeah sure they fuck ppl up but I consider this a 'fuck around and find out'#stop taking advantage of poor countries!!! especially when they are due to outside meddling forces!!#random but somalia makes me so sad bc of how destablized it is#somaliland is a lot more peaceful and has been but recently its gotten more dangerous due to#Somalia's destablization#djibouti seems fine as ever tho lol happy for them but wish somalia would fuck off already [with somaliland]#lili if you are wondering djibouti/somalia/somaliland and parts of kenya and ethiopoa#ethiopia* are all where Somali ppl are from#the parts of K and E were stolen while Somali ppl were getting colonized [so fuck Kenya and Ethiopia too tbh! who does that?]#but all 5 places are why Somalia's flag is a 5 point star! this siginifies we are all one#its funny bc Somaliland was a country before Somalia but then joined Somalia bc of false promises Somalia made#anyway the false promises was unity but the president/dictator named Mohamed Siad Barre#was all 'we should all band together...and kill Isaaq tribe! true unity after for real though'#and then Darood and I a few other major tribes tried that#Isaaq survived but there was in fact a genocide#they fled to what is Somaliland today! apparently they keep the bullet holes in the structure to remember what Darood/Somalia did#bc to these day these bitches deny it#diaspora somali ppl from somalia are especially insistend of this and im like...you stupid puppet you werent even there#I know this despite being Darood bc my parents arent puppets and also my mom is Isaaq tribe#what else? oh there are other places as Somali ppl within Africa become disapora#so strange right?#there is also Puntland [based off the ancient land that is said to be Ancient Somalia--#fun fact our queen from that time named Queen Arrarwelo was said to be friends with Queen Sheba of ancient Ethiopia]
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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🖤 for misa about light ??
attractiveness:
repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.
personality:
grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.
how likely they would have sex with them:
not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.
level of friendship:
never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends (eventually, over time) / my only friend. (eventually, over time)
first impression of them:
i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.
current impression of them:
i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.
send 🖤 and my character will answer about yours; specify. || ALWAYS ACCEPTING || @prodigum.
#answered.#dynamic; misa & light.#brb kms#italics mean sometimes !! the present is all answered in the context for the on the run / survival au !!#anyway she ............. loves that man. SO MUCH#despite everything#like. especially after That she feels shell never be pretty enough tall enough kind enough compassionate enough smart enough or sexy enough#even though logically she KNOWS she's the shit#like she already struggles to forge genuinely meaningful connections w/ people especially w/ bpd#i genuinely think even if she's the second kira she'd try to use her vast fame & platform for humanitarian causes#& i think she'd try to influence light to do the same w/ her in the hopes of creating that new world light always wanted#im personally of the belief that despite how oof the beginning of their relationship was that there WAS some tenderness there#bc like im sorry u dont go through SIX YEARS of being w/ sb & not have any affection for sb thats just not how it works lmao#& we talked about them a fuckton in dms already on how eventually in this au they slowly start to get closer after losing everything#& its rly sweet & like really fucking sad at the same time. bc like. it took That Long for him to finally recognize her worth & how she's.#really the only one who truly genuinely unconditionally loved him & he's like. astonished by that. & it took him literally almost dying#& especially after That reveal like they get a lot closer#but the fact that she literally dies not longer after him literally on the exact same day as him tells you everything you need to know#she loved that man SO MUCH. they're each other's red thread of fate but where it digs into the hands like red barbed wire & bleeds.#anyway they make me so fucking feral#prodigum
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what the fuck.
#random thoughts#that doesn't change the fact that palestine is still fucked over because of them..?#I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i love eurovision but. fuck. no. fuck israel.#OUGH. why can't eurovision just ban them like they did with russia.#which is. not the main issue here. outside of eurovision there is a WHOLE FUCKING WAR GOING ON.#but. ):#do not mind me. i am having very conflicting feelings about this because eurovision is a thing i enjoy and it is now being ruined.#which is obviously not the biggest problem here. i know. I AM A SELFISH CHILD WHO LIKES THINGS AND I'M SORRY.#i am writing myself into a circle. post ends here. will work on that other post thing. about myself.#BECAUSE I AM SELFISH. FOREVER AND ALWAYS. MY OWN MOTHER THINKS SO. THIS IS NOT A THING I SHOULD BE DISCUSSING ON A POST ABOUT. FUCKING.#ISRAEL AND PALESTINE.#okay. post ends here for real. i don't like politics. they make me sad. ):#free palestine. !!
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random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently
#mar.txt#it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one#maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get#maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.#maybe it's just the all-consuming，gaping hole of loneliness within me#idk.#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it#feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction#a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro，but willing to be in a relationship provided the other#person isn't bothered by them being aro，bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the#only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of#actually caring#'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things#because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends#the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to#me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance#i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's#most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love，yeah? ha.#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships，#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the#burden of feeling such intense，suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.
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i don’t think i’ve ever felt this lost in my life. tbh
#feeling sad? sure. hopeless? been there done that. anxious as hell? at least once a week. but lost? no. not really#and that’s really fucking scary because i’m not familiar with it and i just don’t know how to deal with it#i can’t stop thinking that i’m running out of time because i’m 25 and i don’t think i can afford feeling this way#taking a break from uni sounds good in theory but in reality? again. i’m 25. i need to at least achieve one thing in my life holy shit#it’s SO hard to see the good even when it’s right in front of me or someone points it out. like having a job or studying or getting to#travel or even just having friends ARE achievements but i always want More More and More i am addicted to wanting more cause it feels like#nothing i do is ever enough. and now i’m adding feeling lost because i’m finally acknowledging the fact that i don’t know what i want to do#with what i’m studying or how to get a different job in the future when i almost have no experience and everything is just so frustrating#because i simply don’t fucking know. i just don’t. i can’t afford not knowing!! everything is so messy rn you would think i’d be thriving#after seeing louis and meeting aria and traveling to germany and i am genuinely so happy those things happened but fuck man there is always#the Bigger Thing taking over and it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat i just don’t fucking know man. maybe i am an ungrateful brat#but it’s just so hard to be happy when you’re feeling so lost with everything in your life and yourself#anyway i just. needed to let that out#negative#effie talks to the moon
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently
#i love them but im gonna explain#i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did#but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes#i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now#in healthcare no less#but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad#im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts#like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no#and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face#even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said:#i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too#bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall#bc i feel we don’t do this any more#i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go#i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her#bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort#my other situation is my childhood best friend#i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me.#it comes from a place of knowing me for so long#and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins#but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis#even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins#bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st#like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup#even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back#bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me#and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it#but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back#i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag#idk its a lot. thank u for listening
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meanwhile my experience with being asexual is just like. constant self hatred and apologizing about it
#it's just. idk it's ace week and no one is talking about it#and i go in the tags and it's just. ace culture is basically all memes#and it's fine but like. i enjoy having serious conversations about it#i never get to talk about it because it's such a non thing#ace culture is like it's filling the hole that comes from not having a sexuality with jokes about bread and cake and dragons for some reason#but like. i want to talk about how sad and lonely it is a lot of the time. but it's a thing where it feels so self imposed#like of course no one wants to be romantic with me in any sense when i am so awkward from past trauma#combined with the fact that i will never be able to give them what they actually are aiming for#like. high school was fucking miserable.#i mean i'm already crying so why not make it worse here#it's just. i feel like i am missing out on so much and i hate that i am made to feel like this#and no one fucking takes me seriously when i try to talk about it#it's a big part of who i am and it's always a shadow because it just doesn't matter#i just... i want people to see the beauty not in filling that void with other memey shit and just. acknowledge the void#internally and externally and in every way possible being asexual is so crushingly lonely and no one ever talks about it#we're not in ba sing se we can talk about it please#and now i will apologize#and i will lay down because i have a headache and i need to calm down
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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I may not be authorized to have lob corp character options given I've only read at best 30% of the story and only because of me watching playthroughs while I play but also I need everyone to give more of a shit abt Lisa right now she's literally the best one objectively because I said so
#rat rambles#shes also just genuinely rly well written and shes made me cry#like Im not particularly interested in reading through most lob corp stuff right now but I will regularly rewatch her core meltdown scenes#and while I also dont plan on reading lor stuff the fact that I know she ends up alone in that game fucks me up so bad#like godddddd tragic siblings my absolute beloved#I dont forgive her for being blond but at least shes not trying to be a lil edgelord like wendy lol#I cant say shes evading the tboy cringe allegations though give her a couple years we'll see#but yeah Im sure that angela would have a death grip on my mind if I ever got into project moon stuff#I may not know a whole lot abt her but she and carmen combined fit into just about every character archerype I always fall for#oh and you can bet your ass I would be making carmen and olivia parallels in my mind as I read#which would then backfire because then I'd start thinking abt jackie and ayin#and then Id be sad that ayin and carmen arent doomed toxic yuri 😔#well they could be if you belive hard enough but I do not believe in ayin sorry#the real question in life ofc is if carmen is a lesbian or a gay man
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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours
#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus#i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring#and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends#working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive#to getting myself out there#i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher#2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire#maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk#i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise#too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything#everything i do i rush through so i can do something else#and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really#but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words#or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been#and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting#in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure#it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen#but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it#but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality#anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours#i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends#i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind#maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no#personal
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