#that exists for less than 10% of the novel. you can't make me. this is the hill i'm going to kill someone on.

[lloydfrontera]

i know i talk way too much about llojavi to be taken seriously but aromantic lloyd who is so desperate to have a family he convinces himself he has to marry someone and have kids to get it only to realize how much he despises the idea once he's actually confronted with the possibility of it... who when faced with the opportunity to marry feels only dread and anxiety and can only think about how caged he feels about it..... my fucking beloved.........

[tyrantisterror]

Who are your top ten favorite sympathetic villains in fiction?

See, that's the kind of question you just can't answer on this site in normal conditions. This is tumblr, the place where if you think a villain from any media that people have heard of is sympathetic, there will be an incredibly vocal contingent of moral puritans who will flock to your proverbial door to scream at you for being a fascist and threaten you with torches, pitchfork, and a good ol' stake to burn you on. Doesn't matter what media the villain is from or how fantastical or mundane their crimes are - if you try to argue someone deemed bad by the mob is actually morally complex, they will force you to walk the scaffold of the gallows so they can plunder your real estate when you're buried in the unmarked grave reserved for heathens and heretics.

Hell, it's not just strangers on here you have to worry about this with, either. When I first read this question a few characters who affected me deeply came to mind immediately, and for each one I could pinpoint at least one person who follows my blog that would not hesitate for a moment to post a several paragraph screed in a reblog of this ask telling me why that character is actually Objectively Worse Than Hitler, and that I'm a fascist if I continue to like them. This is not a safe space to sympathize with villains. Lust after them, sure, but not to sympathize with them.

But! I have thought of a work around. Obviously, any media with a fandom isn't safe - unless that media is so obscure, so barely known, that its fandom can probably be counted on two hands. Something where the fan count can't reach above the double digits, and in all likelyhood is less than fifty at the most generous estimation. And it just so happens I can think of AT LEAST ten sympathetic villains from works of media I dearly, genuinely love - love them so much it's as if they were my own children, even - that are at this level of obscurity, and likely to remain so for as long as I live. So here are my

TEN FAVORITE SYMPATHETIC VILLAINS FROM WORKS OF MEDIA SO OBSCURE THAT I CAN GUARANTEE NOBODY ON EARTH WILL EVER SEARCH FOR THEM ON TUMBLR AND PROCEED TO SCREAM AT ME FOR LIKING THEM!

10. MechaTyrantis from The Atomic Time of Monsters by William Cope

Appearing in William Cope's stunning kaiju period piece novel series The Atomic Time of Monsters, MechaTyrantis takes the genre trope of a mechanical doppelganger kaiju and gives it a few new twists. We actually meet MechaTyrantis as a purely flesh and blood creature first, where he is presented as a natural rival for the main kaiju character, Tyrantis, because they are both males of the same species vying for the attention of the sole female of their kind that they've found. MT loses the courtship fight to Tyrantis, and nurses a grudge about it, eventually luring Tyrantis into a trap to try and kill him. In the grand tradition of villains, his evil plot backfires and hurts him more than his intended victim, leaving him crippled and comatose in a rock slide.

This is where the pathos comes in, for as nasty as MT is, the human villains who excavate his unconscious form from the rocks are a lot worse, harvesting him for parts to make a cyborg war machine. Intended to be nothing more than a wetware PC, MechaTyrantis's animal brain lies dormant for much of the time he's being piloted, but sporadically awakens when given proper stimuli - at which point we get treated to the horror of what was done to him, and how his animal mind struggles to understand the surge of inputs from both his machine body parts and the human trying to pilot them. His existence is, bluntly, a nightmare, and one that makes MechaTyrantis continue to lash out at the world with horrifying results.

Yet as nasty as he was before and after his alteration, it's clear he doesn't deserve a fate this wretched, and author William Cope obviously agrees with me, as MechaTyrantis does stumble his way into a redemption of sorts, albeit by suffering a great deal of pain and humiliation before he can reach the epiphany he needs.

9. Promythigor from The Atomic Time of Monsters by William Cope

One of the last villains introduced in The Atomic Time of Monsters Series (at least so far - while there are only two volumes at the time of this writing, esteemed author William Cope has noted several times on social media that he intends to write more someday down the line), Promythigor has less screentime than most of his fellow bad guys, but he makes it count. Essentially King Kong if he both had firebending powers and a dangerous case of pyromania, Promythigor isn't outright malicious so much as lethally foolhardy and careless with his fire powers, which brings him into conflict with pretty much ever living being he encounters.

Yet, like MechaTyrantis, there's pathos to him, as he too is a horrible science experiment created by humans who neither thought of nor cared about the psychological state of the supernatural animals they were exploiting. There's almost an innocence to Promythigor as he lashes out, and for all the trouble he causes with his mischief it's clear he doesn't really understand how much harm he's doing. One thinks he could sort himself out if given a few good influences and a lot of firm boundaries, which volume two seems to set him up for. At the very least, he got one of the best action scenes in the books.

8. Ahuul from The Atomic Time of Monsters by William Cope

Ok, last kaiju on this list, I promise! Or at least the last one from ATOM. Ahuul is the first villainous kaiju we meet in William Cope's groundbreaking series, and he does a good job of setting up the stakes - before we properly meet him, the story is relatively light-hearted, especially with the big, lovable friendly kaiju Tyrantis forming an unlikely friendship with human paleontologist Dr. Lerna. But then Ahuul flies out and begins eating people to reminds us that these monsters can be quite deadly indeed. Things get particularly dire when he leaves the countryside and lands in the nearby town, at which point we see how helpless the local law enforcement of this rural community are in the face of a kaiju threat - and that makes it all the more cathartic a release when Tyrantis arrives to kick his ass.

Ahuul doesn't have a redemption arc so much as what tumblr has called a "Vegeta arc" - which is to say, he never really stops being a nasty, vicious bastard, he just ends up surrounded by enough morally inclined badasses that he stops being able to get away with doing much evil anymore. By the end of volume one, he becomes something of a joke, easily trounced by all the other monsters around him, as by that point the world of ATOM has expanded enough to show that a monster as deadly to humans as Ahuul is still ultimately kind of a small fish in a big pond.

Which does lead to some character development, in a roundabout way. Ahuul may be awful, but he doesn't like to be beaten up all the time, and so he starts making efforts to tone down his worse impulses and gain the tolerance of his neighbors. Seeking redemption out of pragmatism instead of remorse may not be super moral, but it does shed an interesting light on the nasty bastard, and allows us to enjoy him as a character without worrying that his comedically awful personality will cause real problems.

7. The Jester's Jape from No Small Feat and Wake of the Red Death, a pair of Fabula Ultima TTRPG Liveplay Shows GM'ed by William Cope

(inking for these sprites done by the illustrious @dragonzzilla)

I suppose I'm cheating by putting four characters in one spot, but you kind of have to take these ladies together. A quartet of goofy villainous henchmen in the vein of the Turks from Final Fantasy 7 and Ozzy, Flea, and Slash from Chrono Trigger, the Jester's Jape are a quartet of trouble-makers who routinely find themselves working for arch-villains and megalomaniacs because hey, it pays the bills. Though the bosses they work for tend to be bastards (or at least majorly conceited), they themselves are firmly in the "punch clock villain" mold, only doing what they need to to get paid, and more than happy to betray the evil bastards they were working for if things go South. I also like the fact that they establish clowns are explicitly a variety of half-demon in the setting of these stories, because it's fun to think of clowns as a variety of monster rather than just an occupation.

6. The Ravening Beast from No Small Feat, a Fabula Ultima TTRPG Liveplay GM'ed by William Cope

(Inking for these pieces done by the magnanimous @scatha5 and the splendiferous @dinosaurana, respectively)

Ok one more kaiju I suppose, technically, if we really stretch the definition of the word a bit. In a campaign full of fairy tale pastiches, The Ravening Beast fulfills the archetype of The Big Predator That Wants to Eat You - not just your Big Bad Wolves, but your bridge trolls, your manticores, and all other large hairy things dwelling in wild places and waiting for innocent passersby to cobble up. And for most of the campaign that seems to be all there is to the monster - just a big, nasty, hungry thing that wants to eat and eat and eat, a primal fear that torments the player characters at every turn.

Until, of course, the heroes track it to its den, and we discover the Beast's history - how its father particularly aimed to sire a monster, creating a creatures whose hormones were so imbalanced that it had to eat its siblings at birth just to quell the churning emptiness in its guts. How it was specifically groomed to be a maneater, and how it was fed a corpse with one of the magic jewels that serve as the campaign's primary mcguffins, which turned it into an even worse monster.

At the end of the story, the Ravening Beast wasn't a figure to be afraid of, but one to be pitied - a poor, mistreated creature who was never given a chance to be happy, and like the real life man-eaters that inspired it, sadly had to be put down for its own sake.

5. Prince Lucifer of Cocytus from No Sympathies by William Cope

Yep, that's right, it's the goddamn devil. William Cope's magnificent first novel, No Sympathies, gives us a taste of its take on Lucifer at the start by showing us his rousing speech during the War in Heaven before The Fall, but after that it waits a long time to show us the demon of demons when he's fully crowned in his sinful glory as Hell's prince of princes, content to build his reputation in whispers before we see him in action. Once Lucifer is fully unveiled, though, he is every bit the cunning and cruel bastard you'd expect, castrating his daughter's would-be suitor and generally coming off as in control of every situation we see him in.

At least, until the halfway point of the book, where shit truly hits the fan and Lucifer's dominion of Hell is threatened in way he's never had to face before. Lucifer, the ultimate bad boy, is forced into having to fight to save his people, and as expected, he's pretty fucking bad at it because, well, he's a self-centered douche - but one with enough charm and enough love in his heart to still be likable, making us root for him to get his shit together despite it all and finally be the hero he's always claimed to be.

4. Prince Beelzebub of Scathatch from No Sympathies by William Cope

While Lucifer is arguably more important to the plot of No Sympathies, I think anyone who's read William Cope's brilliant debut effort would agree that Beelzebub is his favorite of the princes. Hell, the lord of flies even gets to do the novel's title drop as part of his starring role in the chapter that really underlies the book's major point - namely, how can we judge the damned so harshly when we too are capable of sin, and isn't viewing some as sinners and some as saved a sin of hubris in itself?

Beelzebub gets some slick one-liners and produces one of the most horrifying images in the book, but more than that, he shows the pathos inherent to being a devil, as he's smart enough to realize that landing himself in Hell was a dumb move that's only brought him misery, but is too proud to fully accept his culpability in it, which makes his struggle to rationalize why he's suffering so much kind of tragic. Like Lucifer, you find yourself rooting for him to get his shit together despite his MANY rough edges, especially when the plot hits its big turn and he's forced into an unlikely hero role.

3. Marquise Alichino from No Sympathies by William Cope

It's a novel entirely focused on demons that almost no one's read, of course I'm going to mine it for characters! Alichino is, on the surface, a simpler villain than Lucifer or Beelzebub, in that her flaws are exaggerated to comedic extremes and mostly played for laughs. Hell, she's literally a demonic harlequin, isn't that appropriate? But her silliness contributes to her sympathetic nature, as you quickly get the sense that Alichino isn't fully aware of how nasty she's being, in part because the nature of Hell has divorced her from understanding the scope of suffering her actions inflict on those she's sent to punish. Alichino is further softened by the affection and loyalty she shows for those she's deemed worthy of her protection, proving to be a reliable ally despite her violent nature.

2. Matilda from No Sympathies by William Cope

This is the last No Sympathies character, I promise - and yes, that means I won't be including the book's protagonist, Pug, since you can't really argue he's a villain. He's a henchmen at best. Matilda, though, was a full on temptress in her heyday, in that it was literally her job to tempt people to sin. We even get to see her on the job, where she acts with all the sleaze of a used car salesmen while trying to convince a mortal man to sin. Of course, it backfires on her when she proves to have too big of a heart to stick to landing, and ends up demoted to a lowly position in Hell for it. The Matilda we first meet in the novel is broken by that experience, and much of the book is built on her discovering and embracing the goodness within herself despite the misery it brought her in the past - while Pug may be the main character of No Sympathies, Matilda is arguably the novel's heart.

1. Lord Dhenregirr from the Wizard School Mysteries series by William Cope

We're ending with a character from William Cope's exceptional and utterly unique novel series that is certainly not similar to any popular fantasy fiction franchise that was published within the last three decades, Wizard School Mysteries. While only two of the promised eight novels in the series have been published so far, I think it's safe to say that Lord Dhenregirr is a scene-stealing standout among the supporting cast. In the first book, The Meddlesome Youths, he plays a primarily comedic role, a bumbling minor villain with delusions of competence and a tendency to make grandiose speeches about his wicked plans that are undercut by how quickly he's defeated, like an even more pathetic one-man version of Team Rocket.

However, in the second book, Tournament of Death, we get to see more dimensions of him, ad this is where Lord Dhenregirr shows signs of being more than just a gag character. Facing the protagonist of the series, James Chaucer, in a one-on-one battle in the titular tournament, Dhenregirr proves to be a far more competent fighter than previously shown, as for once he's neither outnumbered nor caught by surprise. No-selling most of James's spells and summoning a legion of skeleton soldiers to fight alongside himself, the goofy ineffectual villain ends up becoming a serious threat.

That is, until James threatens those skeleton minions with harm, which is when Dhenregirr exposes a truly sympathetic side of himself, as it turns out he's the rare villain who actually cares about the well-being of his cronies. Add to this the fact that some of his dialogue in the fight seems more like that of a mentor than an adversary to James, and you start to see how there could be more to Dhenregirr's motives than the simple cartoon villainy they first appeared to be. With six books left in the series, there's plenty of room for Dhenregirr to grow into a truly complex characters, and I for one cannot wait to see what William Cope does with him.

[animehouse-moe]

Spy x Family Volume 11 Ultra Collector

Well, I'm going to be a little late with Spy x Family and the start of Apothecary Diaries today because my afternoon is very busy, so let me show off this really cool Spy Fam special edition from French publisher Kurokawa.

Yeah, there's a hell of a lot in here, and a lot to chat about. Let me start with the box first. Truthfully, I'm sort of let down by it. It's less robust than the volume 8 special edition's box that is a bottom and a lid. Volume 11's using a thinner/lighter box overall and opens via flaps on the side instead of lifting up the top.

What I do like about this box though is how it sticks close in style to volume 8's. Where 8 was a suitcase, volume 11 is all about a TV, which has a pretty fun gimmick. That illustration of Anya, Loid, and Yor? You can actually swap it out with 3 others to "change the channel" on the TV. It's a fun way to spice up the exterior, but I have just one complaint: it's rather finnicky. The card that the illustrations are on is just sorta "in" the box, so it slides and moves around and whatnot. I would have really appreciated a little pocket or sleeve on the inside that the card slid into, but also, this is just the package that the good stuff comes in.

So speaking of good stuff, the tote bag. It's very fun, and surprisingly good quality. The bag also features the illustration of the Forger family on both sides of the bag. I wouldn't say it's the biggest ever, but you could comfortably use it for light to medium shopping in terms of manga. Can't fit 10+ volumes in here easily, but I think anything less than that is plenty fine.

Alright, next up is the books. Now, this is the special edition for volume 11, but there's another volume in here? Well that's because they include the Spy x Family light novel 'Family Portrait' with it. Very cool to see, but I do sort of wish we could have had a special cover for it as well. Though I mean, beggars can't be choosers we got one for Volume 11. Also, I really appreciate that French pubs either make the dust jackets reversible, or keep the original dust jacket alongside the special one. For display purposes it's very handy.

Both the coolest but most frustrating piece in this special edition is the bookend. I think it's a super cool thing to add, especially since it's metal, but that's also where the problem comes in. You need to bend the bookend to make it a bookend. With it being metal, there's not really any going back if you wanted to just display it as a metal card. Not something I like, so it'll be living as metal card forever. Though it's not like I have any alternatives for how they could avoid this issue, so it's a bit hard to voice it as a valid complaint.

And now into the illustration cards. I love getting stuff like this because it gives you so much freedom. They're loose and individual, not double sided, and of decent size (the same size as the manga). Some might disagree, but I think it's fun that they're pre-existing artworks (two of the landscape cards are featured as a poster in the LN). Mostly because you get to 'have' the art from various places as their own separate thing. Really liked one of the color pages or illustrations for Spy x Family, but Viz doesn't do color pages for the manga? Well, now you get them here and separate from the manga. Just a nice touch.

Speaking of nice touches, the bookmarks. They're just from the various covers of the manga, but I think as a sentiment they're a very nice addition (especially because I don't have any bookmarks at all). Just something very simple and easy to add to flesh out the goodies you can get from the special edition.

So there it is, the super cool 'ultra collector' edition of Spy x Family. This is a really interesting addition to my collection and I think a lot of the pieces to this are very unique in terms of what you'll see with special editions. Word of warning though, it's not a cheap special edition. Considering how much comes with it, I'd still say it's worth it for those that enjoy it, but it's not something that a lot of people will "just pick up".

[viillette]

it's so crazy how few historical fiction novels are like sharon kay penman's. the way that they're built out of the skeleton of the historical record seems so obvious, but there's so few people who are actually willing to commit to it in the way that she did. it seems like so often that's just a starting point which gets reformed to fit a coherent narrative, but she makes no real attempt to do that. there's themes and foils and patterns, but first and foremost it is a reconstruction. you can't really know what someone who lived that long ago was like, only what they did, and you can feel how she takes these isolated, dramatic events and builds a whole life around them. the books are nothing more than an answer to the question 'what might someone have been like, what could the history between these people have been, to possibly explain something like this?' the ability to string together a handful of facts and events from medieval chronicles to create people that feel so real, and psychology and relationships that develop so naturally that these distant, seemingly impenetrable choices suddenly feel so immediate and clear is just beyond belief. you know this probably wasn't actually how things happened, but it doesn't matter because it was something like this. the particulars are less important the crushing awareness that at one point all of this made sense. there was a time when all of this was right now. the world is unrecognizable and exactly the same. that's something which sounds very simple but is incredibly difficult to accomplish.

you come to know these people so well, their loves and hatreds and ambitions and failures, and those things are rarely resolved in the end. you know them from the time that they're children, you watch each one of them die, and none of it means anything in particular except that they were a human being. things which seem like they must be building to some tragic fallout end in anticlimax. things which seem utterly inconsequential in the moment manifest again decades later in cataclysmic disaster. and then you see it all play out again from the beginning with their children, and their children's children. all these uncanny echoes, this endlessly unfolding palimpsest of lives, each laid over the triumphs and mistakes of those who came before. i've never read anything so epic with so much mastery over the micro and macro levels of history. it's the minute, seemingly inconsequential everyday details, which build into a lifetime, which builds into generation of lives, which builds into the rise and fall of kingdoms and empires. it's the merciless endlessly turning wheel of fortune that replays the same songs in different keys again and again for all time. a person is both an individual with free will, and the prisoner of their blood and circumstances. somehow everything has infinite weight, is tied to everything that has come before and will come after, is the culmination of someone's entire existence—their pains and joys and fears and hopes—and yet is simultaneously completely meaningless, just one more victim of fate in an endless procession of lives and choices. the whole impotent tragedy of humanity is laid out in front of you and it's so repulsive and beautiful. it's deep love and unfathomable, senseless horror briefly and miraculously reverberating in a vacuum, an absurd aberration fading into silence.

if it's not obvious these books have made me cry like 10 different times

[lover-of-the-starkindler]

1-4 for The Avion My Uncle Flew, 7-12 for The City Between, and 15-20 for The Galleries of Stone, please?

The Avion My Uncle Flew 1. What got you into this story? At some point I started reading off the Newbery Award and Honor list, and this one was an Honor book in 1947 2. Describe it in one or two sentences. Boy is thrown into a new situation and makes the best of it 3. Quickly list 3 things you like about the story! French vocabulary, kids exploring, cheerful storytelling 4. Assign this story a hyper-specific genre name, e.g. "inspirational religious semi-horror sci-fi western" (yes, that's Trigun) contemporary adventure as foreign language instruction (now accepting suggestions for similar volumes)

The City Between (#1 through #5) 7. How does the story compare to your initial impressions of it? has it surprised you yet? how? It's different than what I expected, but I can't put my finger on what or why because I didn't have concrete expectations going in. XD 8. What questions are or were you most excited to learn the answers to while experiencing the story for the first time? I am rather curious about Pet's parents… 9. Give the most UNHELPFUL and/or SILLY summary possible. Orphan takes in borders, and learns how to make tea 10. If you made an amv about this, what song would you set it to? Eye of the Tiger, maybe? But what I can tell you is that there would be a lot of shots of various characters striking a dramatic pose for the camera (think the Leverage gloat shot...) as well as JinYeong in slow motion during a fight 11. If you were put in the main character's position, how well would that go for you on a scale of 1-5? Assuming 5 is quite well, I would say… -1? 12. Assuming your loved ones would be there, would you want to live in the world of the story? Depends on how close to the action we are but let's go with no, not really

Galleries of Stone 15. What time are you most likely to be found reading/watching this story? (time of year, time of day, season of life, whatever makes sense to you) Summer, shading into autumn 16. Do you think this story has broad appeal, or is it meant for a very specific audience? if it's more "niche", what kind of person would most enjoy this story? I think the niche for cozy fantasy is growing 17. Compare this story to your usual tastes. how does it differ from what you've already enjoyed? if one says my usual taste tends to action adventure, this is much lower stakes and everyday adventures 18. Compare this story to your usual tastes. what parts of it are exactly the kind of thing you've always loved? I do love stories about making home in situations that initially look less than ideal until the place blossoms 19. Pitch an idea for a sequel or spinoff novel for this story! a comedy of manners set entirely in Pred, stoneworking only as the faintest of cameos (technically this does sort of exist, but I'm thinking it should be even more Georgette Heyer-esque) 20. What's the WORST thing about this story, in your opinion? (feel free to be positive, e.g. "it's not longer", if you want!) I find the third act a smidge under-developed and while the updated version gave me things I didn't even know I wanted it also left most of the final showdown to the imagination--generally a good thing, but I think it could have been written around just a bit more.

[kyoosoup]

rating all the books i had to read for junior high + highschool

blah blah blah

my brothers and dad are currently watching a football game so i have to kill some time. i asked my mom to send me the list of all the books i read for junior high/highschool (i'm homeschooled so she was my teacher/made my curriculum that's why i asked her)

not sure how i'm gonna rate/rank these yet but yeah

if you're bored and want to kill time or you just want to read this for some reason, then strap in

To Kill a Mockingbird

by Harper Lee

this one is a school classic. and honestly, i did enjoy it. i will say i had a hard time reading it when i did, not because of the actual writing/language, but rather because i had no idea how courts worked so i didn't understand any of the courtroom scenes. i'm not sure why i didn't know about courts yet. i'm sure i learned about it in school but i hadn't seen it visually (like in a show or video or anything) so i think it was hard for me to picture. i'm sure if i read TKAM again now i would enjoy it more.

8/10

The Red Badge of Courage

by Stephen Crane

omg i did not like reading this book. idk if it's just me or if it was the book but i was so bored. it's a really short book but it felt so long. maybe i'm being too harsh and maybe it wasn't actually boring. but i wouldn't read it again to find out.

2/10

A Tale of Two Cities

by Charles Dickens

Okay i will say i definitely was really confused when i read this. I liked the story and i'm glad i've read it, because i mean it's kinda famous and i feel like it has some good elements. but it was hard for me to read and appreciate. too much deciphering. I think this is another book that i would appreciate more if i reread now that i'm older.

6.5/10

A Midsummer Night's Dream

by William Shakespeare

I did not reading shakespeare in school. in general, i dont like reading plays or older english or epics or anything like that. The only thing i appreciated at all about this play while reading it was that it had characters who were actors that put on a play . play within a play. this did not make reading the play worth it though lol. i think now the only reason i care at all about it is because of Dead Poet's Society

3/10

A Tell Tale Heart

by Edgar Allen Poe

i don't remember much about this specific short story but after googling the synopsis i do remember liking it. and i'd probably read it again. i can't say much else because i don't remember lol

7.5/10

Harrison Bergeron

by Kurt Vonnegut

another short story. I don't remember every detail of this one either but i did think it was interesting and i would reread it. I'm not sure if i would quite go as far as to recommend it. but, of the books/stories so far, it is the one i would be most likely to recommend. (provably only after rereading it myself)

8.5/10

Animal Farm

by George Orwell

okay guys. this is one of my favorite books that i've read for school. it is one of 2 (i think) that i've actually sat and reread outside of school assignments. not hard to read at all. had some crazy good lines. and it was about animals! (or was it?) i would reread it repeatedly. and i would and have recommended it to people.

10/10

Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry

by Mildred D. Taylor

I enjoyed reading this one. it wasn't anything crazy or lifechanging for me, but it was a decent read. i think just because it didn't really feel super impactful (i kinda forgot about its existence) i'm gonna have to rate it lower

7/10

The Hiding Place

by Corrie Ten Boom

This was the other book that i reread outside of school assignments. it's another that i would (and have) recommended to people. I really loved this book while reading it. i've always been interested in ww2, ever since my dad gave me an anne frank graphic novel when i was like less than 10 lol. so this book was not only interesting from a historical viewpoint, but i also found it pretty inspiring and emotional. it's been a minute since i've read it, but i would read it again.

10/10

Jane Eyre

by Charlotte Bronte

this book was a rollercoaster and i always have a hard time remembering everything that happened. i remember finding it interesting, unsettling at times (intentionally), and it was a decent read. i think this was one of many school books that was ruined in part because i was supposed to take notes and write essays on it and stuff.

7.5/10

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

by Robert Louis Stevenson

ok i'll admit i enjoyed reading this. thriller and mystery has always been fun for me to read. i will say, i'm 80-90% sure that i was spoiled. not because it's really popular and maybe i heard of the twist. no. because there's a VEGGIETALES PARODY. yeah. anyways. i dont know if i would reread this or not, but i am glad to have read it.

7.5/10

Things Fall Apart

by Chinua Achebe

This is another one of the pretty solid books i've read for school. I would even go as far as to recommend it. Do i remember everything about it? definitely not. But i know i liked reading it and i would probably reread it if i get the chance. It had some pretty cool ideas and themes. i remember when i first read it, i thought the beginning poem (which the book is named after) was pretty cool too. so much that i somehow memorized it: "things fall apart, the centre cannot hold, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world". i had to look it up but the poem is called The Second Coming. Anyways, another cool book.

9.5/10

The Odyssey

by Homer

i hated reading this. i didn't like the act of reading the format. i didnt like the language. and i didn't even like the plot. or the characters. there is not really any redeeming quality to this for me. i'm sorry if you really like this book and are sad that i don't agree. sorry not really sorry. the only reason i'm glad to any extent that i read it is because my assignment for it, instead of an essay, was to make a comic for a scene of it. which was mildly fun.

1/10

Romeo and Juliet

by William Shakespeare

although more interesting by far than midsummer night's SNORE (i'm joking), i was still mildly bored reading this. i am glad i read it for the sake of reading it. but i did not particularly enjoy reading. in general, the story of romeo and juliet isn't really for me. i was just annoyed with them the whole time??? like they're so dumb. i mean in juliet's defense i think she's supposed to be like 13 so what does she know but whatever. i still didn't really like reading it.

5/10

Of Mice and Men

by John Steinbeck

okay this book was an interesting read. it was good but like kinda crazy and dark and unsettling?? which is definitely the point. but still. man. that was crazy. if you haven't read it, it's an interesting read. but dark.

8.5/10

A Modest Proposal

by Jonathan Swift

another story i needed to look up. i cant say i remember much about reading this. most likely i just didn't understand it. the synopsis sounds really crazy though so i'm surprised i don't remember more of it. sounds weird though

2/10

Frankenstein: 1818

by Mary Shelley

this book was crazy and dark but it was pretty interesting and i'd maybe even reread it. it's a well known story but reading for myself everything crazy that happens really made me think. the morality of it all and whatnot. i think maybe the main downside to reading this was i got kinda grossed out. i don't sit well with depictions of anything morbid or gore-y or cannibalism. makes me a little physically uncomfortable. but i still liked reading this book overall. also since i read it i can get mad when people mix up the doctor and the creature. i can also understand this really dumb frankenstein meme

9/10

The Lord of the Flies

by William Golding

i liked this book a lot too. i'm starting to think perhaps i like darker books about morality and how maybe the real monsters were the people we met along the way??

9.5/10

Beowulf

Frederick Rebsamen

ahh another book i hated reading. odyssey level of hate for me. i maybe liked the characters better but i can't really back that up. wouldnt read again. it was probably good or something i just didn't like it.

1/10

Medea

by Euripedes

i don't remember this let me look it up. uhhhhhhhhhhhh. okay i don't remember this one very well but i don't think i hated it as much as some other things so

3/10

Macbeth

by William Shakespeare

shockingly, i did sort of like this one. i know, pretty out of character for me. but the plot was actually interesting so it made up for being annoying/boring for me to read. i would watch a movie or play version of it and maybe actually be interested. maybe

6/10

American Born Chinese

by Gene Luen Yang

i did enjoy this book. it's a graphic novel, so it was a quick read. i wouldn't say it's my favorite graphic novel but it has a lot of cool themes and elements. i would say i maybe like another graphic novel by the same author, boxers and saints, better. but i didn't read that for school so i'm not rating it.

8.5/10

Scarlet Letter

by Nathaniel Hawthorne

I don't remember everything that happened in this book. i would say, in general, it didn't really stick out to me. it wasn't particularly interesting to me and it wasn't outright bad. but i wouldn't read it again.

4/10

My Antonia

by Willa Cather

after reminding myself about this book's existence, i am pretty sure i liked it. but who cares about the literal plot of the novel when we can look into the author being subtly lgbtq coded. the evidence, your honor: first of all, my antonia itself is told from the perspective of Jim, a dude. and it's about his relationship with this girl who eventually gets married but he still cares about her deeply and he reminisces (idk that it's inherently romantic, but it's something). and why does this matter? Willa Cather wrote a lot from the male perspective, and people think it was to avoid being criticized for lesbian relationships. But this is just the tip of the iceberg!!!!!! the craziest part is that Willa had several very close relationships with women. including ahem (from wikipedia) "most notably, the editor Edith Lewis, with whom Cather lived the last 39 years of her life." HISTORIANS WILL SAY THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS. this doesn't really have much to do with the book but i remember seeing this while researching back when i read the book and i was like yooooo ????

8/10

Catch 22

by Joseph Heller

another book i really enjoyed!!! i actually actively want to reread this one. it's cool to read, it was kinda funny, and the plot was interesting. i liked the idea of slowly uncovering the story. i will say, reading it super spread out for school was a little confusing. but that's not the book's fault

10/10

Hamilton

by Lin Manuel Miranda

i'm not sure how much i can count this because i didn't technically read the whole thing. i read parts of a book about the musical and then i watched a recording of it. if i can count it, i would say it's really fun and i enjoy it a lot and would like to see it live one day. the only reason it's not a 10 is because i don't think Lin Manuel Miranda is the best singer. like he's a talented writer but compared to angelic leslie odom jr, lin is not my favorite.

9.5/10

Peace Child

by Don Richardson

this one was interesting, especially since it was a real story. seeing how people can compare and relate different cultures and religions can be fascinating.

8/10

i'm getting sleepy so i am skipping a bunch of the other short stories because frankly most of them i didn't like very much. it's possible i liked a few of them, but i don't really feel like looking them all up. oh well.

Robinson Crusoe

by Daniel Dafoe

now i didn't read the whole book, just snippets, but boy am i glad i didn't. i did not like this book. it was boring. even reading just small parts of this book i was in agony. also, fpr the record, this book was not an epic poem or a play. so there, i can dislike other things too

1/10

Pride and Prejudice

by Jane Austen

okay i love the jane austen movies and shows, so i was relatively excited to read this book. I think taking notes really detracted from my joy. but i like the story a lot. even typing this makes me want to rewatch some of the jane austen media. it wasn't my favorite read, but it was pretty good. a classic, really

9/10

The House of the Spirits

by Isabel Allende

i feel like this book was supposed to be unsettling probably but it really made me uncomfortable. i think there were maybe some sexual things including some creepy ones. and me personally when i am assigned a book with that by my mom/teacher i was like why do i have to read this. now that i think about it, i'm pretty sure i was so uncomfortable with it that i asked my mom to cover up those parts with sticky notes. the story was interesting but those parts really made me not like it

5.5/10

The Joy Luck Club

by Amy Tan

okay !! i did like this book a lot. it's about a bunch of chinese-american mother-daughter relationships so yk. relatable in some ways. i think maybe there were a few weird things but i think overall the read is worth it. i would for sure consider rereading it. and i would also recommend it. i actually recently tried to look for it in a few bookstores but i didn't see it and i was kind of sad.

9.5/10

Honorable Mention:

basically all the Narnia books by C.S. Lewis

i technically read a few of these for school but i don't know which ones because i also read a bunch on my own. I really like these books. they are cozy and i like the characters. also i like the movies a lot so that increases my favorability for them. i would recommend the series, or at least the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

10/10

maybe one day i will do something like this for books i read growing up or something else school related. but for now that is all. i hope i didn't miss any lol.

if you read this far, i guess leave a comment or something??? i'm impressed. at this point you could rate my ratings. this whole post is probably longer than most of the short stories. lol.

good night

[pruneunfair]

okay,about your problems and spoilers if my derelict beloved is gonna be the same as the novel,well,nope,you are wrong. They are not ever and I mean ever gonna be the same because caelus isn't a bland person like in the novel and genuinely likes hestia heck not even using her. Also,I'm currently reading derelict beloved and I wanna say,the story is okay. I feel no feelings towards the FL and the other characters because I'm a neutral reader. The only one I can make sense is fangirls and me as a healthy fangirl,I wanna say that I respect hestias hustle a bit. I mean,if you wanna read something that is more better than derelict beloved,read the princess hides her fandom(I love this specifically because even though there is a saintess character who is a white lotus in the manhwa,the FL decided to make that saintess her favourite character because she can't decided which is her favourite)

I only ever heard bad things about my derelict favorite, and honestly I'm only reading it because I'm a glutten for punishment. The way I see it, it's basically what would happen if the average 10 year old webtoon reader transmigrated, since Hestia defends Caelus's every move while relentlessly making Diane her enemy just for rejecting him (Diane has her own problems but Hestia is not much better). She just reminds me too much of an annoying webtoon commenter that shits on every other character who doesn't sacrifice all for her favorite character and I get it, the title is called my derelict favorite and I can relate a little bit since a lot of my favorite characters are problematic and hated on to an excess too so if I got transmigrated id probably fangirl a little bit, but justifying everything they do just because you like them is flat out stupid because realistically, now that you have to live with them, you experience a less santatized view of them which tends to ruin the pedestal you put them on. the saying "never meet your heroes" exists for a reason. Besides that though I would agree there's nothing else wrong with it, just mediocre.

[junemermaid]

3, 10, and 18 for the writing asks! 💜

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

That depends on the time of day and the direction of the wind and whether the geese are flying south, BUT maybe the most reliable answer is that my favourite fic is always the one I'm currently writing. That means it's in my head and I live with it like a fascinating and sometimes bothersome housemate, but I love that creative energy and the puzzle of putting the idea into (always imperfect) words.

By this metric, my favourite is flowers in dreamland weather (Nirvana in Fire), which is eating a hole into my mind whenever I'm not putting down words for it. I have thought entirely too much about the sex lives of immensely proper fictional Chinese people as of late.

However, shout-out to The Stair Into the Sea (Shadowhunters), which is the closest thing to a novel I've ever written and which, despite the long delay between chapters, is always at the back of my mind. It's the most ambitious thing I've ever attempted and I will finish it one day.

10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

I think I'm reasonably good at gauging which fic will get more or less attention, at least once I've been in a fandom for a while. The fake marriage college AU will get a different reception from the niche worldbuilding fic or the obscure video game crossover.

I am still pleasantly surprised that you who have come from my old country (Shadowhunters, future fic where one half of the OTP is dead) got such a positive response, and I still get the occasional comment for it. Its premise definitely went counter to fandom's general tastes, but it was such a strong image that I had to write it.

18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic?

I have many, I will confess! I'll post this ask and then immediately think of three more. But I reread Will They Sing of Us (Shadowhunters) recently, and I liked this bit so much I put it in the summary, and yeah, it still really works for me:

The witchlight casts Alec in a jagged interplay of light and shadow, scintillating on the stray snowflakes that cling to his hair and sharpening the fresh scar on his cheek. He, too, looks thinner—and older, more worn than his twenty-six years should make possible. Magnus would break the world for him. Alec would not thank him for it. As much as violence is part of his birthright, as much as he relies on the role of the soldier to order his existence, Alec is a builder, not a destroyer. He believes his people worthy of redemption. He believes Magnus worthy of it, even in those moments when Magnus himself can't see as clearly. And Magnus loves him. That is where everything begins.

Also, lol @ the snowflakes in hair, truly that has become a writer trademark for me. Sorry not sorry. :D

writer asks!

[shiro-hatzuki]

yknow making stuff to feed my milgram obsession somehow has taught me quite a bit about image editing. or at least, image editing using a program that is not quite optimized for it.

struggles with firealpaca aside, i was going through my files the other day and realized that i don't tend to share a large amount of my edits. part of that is due to the fact that many of these are parts of a larger project, so i never really considered sharing them since i want to get to the bigger thing. but another part is due to the fact that the edits are not quite up to the standard that i want them to be at, so i don't feel like they're worth sharing. but looking back at some of these, even though the edits aren't quite to par or are pretty useless, they're still alright, so here's a little showcase of some of the edits i've done thus far!

there's this pan shot in kotoko's s1 mv, and i went "oh boy! that's an easy edit!" so whipped this together in like 10-15 minutes. i think i just wanted to use this as a banner for something? but that never happened.

[more stuff under the cut]

---------------

edits of the birthday arts from the amnibus store announcements! these were part of my bigger series of birthday wallpaper edits. these files exist because of some technical layer stuff with the wallpapers. i was more focused on recreating the patterns for that series rather than putting the art on, so these edits weren't really worth sharing.

---------------

in the milgram server i'm in, a person kinassigned the prisoners flowers, and that gave me the idea for these edits! i gave up because it was surprisingly difficult to find flower photos that i could actually use. i'm proud of how yuno's came out, though!

---------------

i needed the emblem-logo for an art i was doing, but because i'm really bad at geometric stuff, i did the only logically thing: edit it! back in season 1, the character page had a graphic with the milgram logo right behind the box where es and jackalope would be, so i took some time to edit that, then spent way too much time on the emblem. the emblem itself is a little plain, but it did well enough for the art i was making.

---------------

back in season 1 after we got some verdicts, i used the verdict arts from the judge page for this one. i can't find the files i used for this edit, but i think i used haruka's and fuuta's verdict arts for this? trying to edit out the characters to just have the sheep and goat symbols with the words around was a bit tricky, so the text ended up a bit scuffed.

---------------

the artist for the milgram light novel cover released a version without the text over it on their twitter and i really wanted to use it for my phone wallpaper! but the dimensions weren't right for it so quiet and gentle were cut off. i thus made an edit to make it fit better. i'm really bad at recreating art styles though, so when it comes to extending images like this, my solution is to make it burry so you can't see my bs. i think the thing i put the most effort into was extending the book on the floor.

---------------

this thing took so. much. time!!!! to make. this was partly because i wanted this to be as in tact and clear as possible, so blurring wasn't an option. both of the stars on the desktop and mobile files had parts cut off, so i needed to mash them together and edit out the bg on the mobile version. also as much as i love them, es's head is in the way of the bottom point in both stars, so i needed to reconstruct that bottom part and a part of kotoko that was cut off in both stars by throwing more prisoner stars at it and using kotoko's character art. also fun fact: both desktop and mobile version of the prisoner stars has their top points cut off, but the mobile version less so. but there's no way i'm going to edit out the background again if i have to, so i'm using my edit of the initial star to add the points to the transparent desktop version. and if you've seen my recent word art edits involving the stars, yes i will be doing this for all the prisoners for s2. or at least, i'm planning to. yet despite all the hours i put into it, the seams still are too obvious, so leaving the stars as is isn't really something i want to share, thus why i'm only releasing these as my word art edits for the time being. can you tell from my ranting that these stars left me v tired?

---------------

the most recent edit. i had the idea to use the max resolution thumbnails from the album trailers as my pc's wallpaper, but there was a problem with yuno's. haruka's (and now fuuta's) thumbnails were extended at the bottom so the art took up the whole 16:9 aspect ratio, but yuno's thumbnail wasn't. instead, it only has those black bars on the top and bottom. of course, i wanted the version with the extension on the bottom, so i extended it myself. trying to recreate the fog effect was tough, and where the og stops and my edit starts is obvious, but it works for my purposes!

---------------

ainandesuyo~

[finitevariety]

can we hear your argument about the correct way to understand bronte’s ‘the professor’?

warning that there's an EXTREMELY long post below. Don't click 'Keep reading' unless you're sure you can face it.

The correct way to read the novel is as a satire. I say this not because it's necessarily the accurate interpretation, but because it's the most interesting.

I'm excited to get into this, but first let's tie it back to the post I tagged earlier by seeing what reviews for The Professor indicate about the state of critical thought today (the prognosis is grim).

Typically, reviews fall into two camps:

One: Charlotte Brontë is a stupid fucking woman who betrayed feminism and therefore doesn't deserve rights anyway. Why did she write about a main character who's so RUDE?!

Two: Charlotte, you've done it again! Truly this is a romance for the ages! Can't wait to call my husband 'monsieur' for the rest of my natural life! This truly is a marriage of equals! Go feminism!

There is also a secret third type of terrible review that's basically 'this is your brain on mid-10s ~feminist~ internet', in which feminism was less about gaining power for cis and trans women of all races, but more of a vehicle to advance the nebulous idea of empowerment.

'Not like other girls but make it a poorly-drawn webcomic' vibes, you know?

Bluntly, nothing here admits to the possibility that Brontë might have been aware she was writing about an unrelatable, flawed asshole, and that that might have been exactly what she wanted to do.

I don't pretend to be an expert about Victorian literature or criticism of such, but the dominant opinion over the years seems to have been that The Professor is first-draft back-of-a-drawer stuff that was deservedly rejected by 9 publishers and languished correctly in said drawer before being posthumously released. For some, it's the Go Set a Watchman of her canon.

Many lean into the idea that The Professor is a wish-fulfilment fantasy concerning the married headmaster under whom she studied in Belgium, and with whom she was certainly infatuated. I do think this interpretation can be convincing—and it's been covered elsewhere by smarter people than me, so I won't bother.

What I'm going to do is look at why I think satire is a far more satisfying interpretation that does have justification in both the text and its context. I'll look at:

The Professor as a parody of the Victorian self-help genre; and

The unreliable narrator, more broadly

I was also going to examine the novel in relation to Brontë's other work, and particularly Villette, but the post was fucking long enough already. I really do apologise for its length: please know that this is me attempting to be concise.

The Professor as a parody of the Victorian self-help genre

There is a plague of whiny nerds who call themselves bookworms yet get scared and call the lit-police when the moral of a story isn't laid out at the end like an after school special. For years now, these #amwriting fucks have considered 'not-chris-evans.jpg' the ultimate gotcha on interminable twitter threads.

This shitty mic-drop fails to consider that there are some people for whom purpose and target will always be unclear. If Twitter had existed in the 1700s, there would be people incandescent with rage that Jonathan Swift wanted to buy and eat impoverished babies. One only has to look at what this supposedly literate group did to Isabel Fall to know that to make satire intelligble to these people you'd have to break out the crayons.

Another important consideration is that satire which was clear within its time can, bereft of context, seem earnest. It's my argument that this has happened to The Professor.

Heather Glen, in her 2004 book Charlotte Brontë: The Imagination in History, makes the compelling case that The Professor is written as a fictional example of a self-help genre which was popular at the time:

It is not a clumsy fictionalization of autobiographical concerns; or a draft for its author's later, more popular works, but a novel of a very different kind (p34)

She identifies Brontë's Preface as a key signpost, linking its explicit references to themes of self-reliance and discipline to the maxims so popular in the genre.

These references continue throughout the novel, with Crimsworth making much of his industry, effort, and self-restraint. But there are clear and telling differences between these self-help narratives and the life led by Crimsworth.

This might as well be him, right down to the decision to broadcast to the world.

Self-help was, as the name suggested, focused on the individual—authors such as Craik and Smiles argued that poverty was caused by personal irresponsibility and conversely could be alleviated by discipline. (As a side note, the self-help trend did coincide with 'mutual improvement societies', a more radical movement created by and for working class men to educate themselves and participate in political life.)

The bootstrap-bios of the self-help genre are exactly what you'd expect. In the conclusion to Volume 1, Craik highlights the promised reward, if one only puts one's mind to it: joy.

Crimsworth is set apart from these heroes of self-help because he is so bereft of positive emotion. In fact, his entire worldview is poisoned: to him, existence is impersonal, violent, and hostile. I'll swing back to Glen for this, because she lays out in significant detail just how paranoid and brutal his mental landscape is:

Crimsworth is the empty, sad shell which houses all hustle culture rise and grind don't-deserve-a-bedframe fundamentally pathetic fucking idiots of the Victorian Era, and Brontë is, I argue, lampooning this sigma male grindset nearly 200 years before the rest of us. His self-strictness curdles the supposed happy ending, and it's so fucking good if you interpret that as deliberate:

again, Glen:

the scene in which he proposes to her is charged with half-suppressed violence: he holds his beloved in 'a somewhat ruthless grasp' and insists that she speak his language, not her own. She, for her part, is 'as stirless in her happiness, as a mouse in its terror'

He professes contentment, when they marry, but there is never any peace to be found. Yet, for the story to end, and for him to consider it a story worth telling—one where self-discipline and hard work won the day—he must pretend at it. He might even believe it—but are we supposed to do so also? I don't think so.

2. The unreliable narrator, more broadly

Crimsworth tells us that:

The other day, in looking over my papers, I found in my desk the following copy of a letter, sent by me a year since to an old school acquaintance...

To this letter I never got an answer...what has become of him since, I know not. The leisure time I have at command, and which I intended to employ for his private benefit, I shall now dedicate to that of the public at large. My narrative is not exciting, and above all, not marvellous; but it may interest some individuals, who, having toiled in the same vocation as myself, will find in my experience frequent reflections of their own. The above letter will serve as an introduction. I now proceed.

Crimsworth refers to this person (Charles) in distant terms. He's an 'old school acquaintaince'. His fate is unknown, but this does not keep him up at night. Crimsworth implies that there's less affection there than utility: he'd intended to bestow on Charles the dubious gift of this tale, and now it's our turn instead. In the letter, too, he's at pains to point out that he would never lift a finger for him, especially for rotten work:

you were a sarcastic, observant, shrewd, cold-blooded creature; my own portrait I will not attempt to draw, but I cannot recollect that it was a strikingly attractive one—can you? What animal magnetism drew thee and me together I know not; certainly I never experienced anything of the Pylades and Orestes sentiment for you, and I have reason to believe that you, on your part, were equally free from all romantic regard to me.  Still, out of school hours we walked and talked continually together; when the theme of conversation was our companions or our masters we understood each other, and when I recurred to some sentiment of affection, some vague love of an excellent or beautiful object, whether in animate or inanimate nature, your sardonic coldness did not move me. I felt myself superior to that check then as I do now.

but he writes, anyway, not for Charles's benefit, but because he wants to be heard and understood as he was then. The companions have changed, but if there is anyone who will agree with him about their character and motivations, he believes it will be sardonic, cold-blooded Charles.

Yet Charles did not reply, and so he turns to us for vindication.

Am I reading too much into this? I don't think so. Here's a fragment from a reworked Preface which would have replaced this first section and given us an alternate explanation for the existence of the text:

I had the pleasure of knowing Mr Crimsworth very well—and can vouch for his having been a respectable man—though perhaps not altogether the character he seems to have thought he was.

Here, the signposting is even clearer: we are not to take Crimsworth's tale entirely at its word.

Catherine Malone highlights this fragment when she examines Crimsworth's perception of his relationship to sex.

while at the beginning of the novel he declares an interest only in women with 'the clear, cheering gleam of intellect' (p. 13), asserting that for a professor, feminine 'mental qualities; application, love of knowledge, natural capacity, docility, truthfulness, gratefulness are the charms that attract his notice and win his regard' (p. 120) ...

the puritanical image he presents is continually undermined by his regard for physical beauty, manifest in his obsession with the boarded window in his bedroom at M. Pelet's, and his observations on his female pupils and the women with whom he has already come into contact. During the party at brother's house, Crimsworth is not introduced to the 'group of pretty girls' surrounding Edward and feels that he can take no part in the dancing: 'Many smiling faces and graceful figures glided me-but the smiles were lavished on other eyes-the figures sustained by other hands than mine-I turned away tantalized' (p. 24). Similarly, it is Mlle Reuter's outer rather than inner charms wh chiefly attract Crimsworth. It is he who nearly falls in love Zoraide and she, confident in her relationship with Pelet, who with his affections. Although any relationship between the two had been largely of Crimsworth's imagining, on discovering the engagement, he considers Zoraide and Pelet's deceit an act of 'treachery' (p. 112)—one which does not just cause him momentary bitterness, shame, or embarrassment but temporarily extinguishes his entire 'faith in love and friendship' (p. 111)

What Crimsworth tells himself about his desires is at odds with his reactions.

One final aspect to discuss (because I really need to finish this post up and go to bed) is gaze. In The Professor, being seen is understood as an assault; The Professor exists, we are told, because Crimsworth wished to present his tale to 'the public at large'. When Crimsworth has a narrative he thinks he controls, he'll share it—but even in the bounds of that text it's clear that he bristles under scrutiny.

Glen compiles near-endless examples of references to sight and seeing in The Professor, but I'm most interested in the way that plays out in interactions with his brother.

His first meeting with his brother is described like so:

my mind busied itself in conjectures concerning the meeting about to take place. Amidst much that was doubtful in the subject of these conjectures, there was one thing tolerably certain—I was in no danger of encountering severe disappointment; from this, the moderation of my expectations guaranteed me. I anticipated no overflowings of fraternal tenderness; Edward’s letters had always been such as to prevent the engendering or harbouring of delusions of this sort. Still, as I sat awaiting his arrival, I felt eager—very eager—I cannot tell you why; my hand, so utterly a stranger to the grasp of a kindred hand, clenched itself to repress the tremor with which impatience would fain have shaken it.

He will concede to feeling eager, but he cannot—will not—tell you why. After all, he has moderated his expectations! He does not hope! Fuck off!

He hardens himself still further, and in so doing insulates himself from disappointment—or, indeed, connection:

I can't help but feel like it is deliberate on Brontë's part that we see his professed successes as defeats. This is a man who despite all his hardness and his flaws has found himself a wife—but is that worth anything? Has he allowed himself to be understood even as much as he was back in his schooldays with maybe-dead 'acquaintance' Charles? Does he feel even a fraction of the contentment he thought he would, if only he followed the rules? Does his wife?

Towards the end of the novel is a terrifying passage that demonstrates, imo, that Frances, his wife, knows his deal far, far better than he does. Their pal, Hunsden, shares a miniature of a woman he was once into, Lucia, admitting that 'I should certainly have liked to marry her, and that I have not done so is a proof that I could not.'

In Crimsworth's list of desirable attributes from above, it is docility that ranks highest, and Frances knows it. She loves him, as other passages show, but she also sobbed as they were married, and in the scene before the wedding criticised Hunsden for an attitude that Crimsworth demonstrates throughout the text: being a facts don't care about your feelings dipshit.

so: it is very fun to interpret The Professor as a surprisingly relevant satire of the self-made man. I think there's ample justification for this in the text, which repeatedly and deliberately sets up and exposes the contradictions in character that Crimsworth himself cannot see.

I can't decide whether it's worse to assume Brontë didn't know what she was doing when she wrote about this dickhead, or that she did and he's wonderful actually. Perhaps one of those interpretations is even correct—but I am a huge fan of unreliable narrators, and I think it's 100% defensible, and far more interesting, to see Crimsworth as one.

[capybaraonabicycle]

Hello~ I found this ask game through your reblog and thought it seemed super fun 💚 I am also curious ✨ 16. Is there a subject/character/show you wish you had created more for? Why do you think you didn’t? OR 23. Are there any tips you would give yourself from one year ago concerning your art/work?

Thank you so much for the ask!! Sorry that it's been taking me ages to answer!

16. Is there a subject/character/show you wish you had created more for? Why do you think you didn’t?

Oh, yes!! I wish I had created something for @itlivesproject's beautiful visual novel It Lives Within, specifically something to honour the amazing Amalia de Léon. I made half a sketch of her and my MC being a badass martial arts/magic/gunpower couple but I never finished it. I have no idea why, really. I've played the game about - Idk - 10-15 times from start to finish since it's come out? So, I really need to do something about that eventually.

Here's the sketch in case you wanna see:

[ID: simple crayon lineart sketch of Amalia and my MC in power poses. The MC is in the back, holding a gun in her left hand and raising her right as a fist. (There is supposed to be magic around the right hand, but the sketch barely shows that.) Lia is in the front, holding a bo staff with both hands. They are smiling at each other. end ID]

Well, okay, I kinda have an idea why I didn't make any It Lives Within art: As per usual, I have spent most my time and energy on Doctor Who. And, like, I am happy with that. Especially since I did branch out a little bit last year and covered a few more fandoms in writing, mostly.

Speaking of dw, I kinda wish I had created more for lovely Bill Potts - she got one short one-shot this year, that's so much less than what she deserves!

(Admittedly, I haven't written much for Bill in recent years either. The year before she only appeared in 2 fics but one was rather long and quite centered on her at least. And last year I have been thinking a lot more than usual about her, so I wish I had turned some of that into works. I didn't even finish the drawing of her that I made.)

Mainly, I wish I had started on the Doctor Who x Hadestown crossover fic featuring Bill as the main character. Both because Hadestown keeps occupying my brain and because Bill as the main character in a long fic would have been amazing.

Why didn't I? Well, mostly because of the 'long' part. I don't really write long fics and I tried my hand at two of them already last year. Both of which aren't finished yet. So, yeah, fear of starting something I can't own up to again. But also, the time never felt right? It was fun to think about and turn especially Persephone!12 in my head for hours, but I never felt like I had something I could put on the page NOW. But like, it will exist someday, I'll keep believing in it (and thinking about it while listening to the Hadestown album).

23. Are there any tips you would give yourself from one year ago concerning your art/work?

Sure!

General tip: When things get rough and you feel like you don't have energy for anything anymore - ESPECIALLY THEN force yourself to sit down at least 10 minutes every other day to do art or write. You will feel so much better and be amazed how often 10 minutes turn into 30. It doesn't matter if you only produce nonsense, just do it for yourself.

Writing: Whenever you can, find a friend to write for. Someone who gets excited for your work! That is incredibly motivating and rewarding :)

Art: Like every year: your art teacher was right - mix and match techniques! It IS more fun and it DOES look better, usually. Also spend more time playing with colours. They bring joy :)

[psalmsofpsychosis]

Might be a slightly weird hill to die on on a Sunday evening, but i'm increasingly getting tired of the mentality that the only stories that matter are the meticulously worded, completed and published (maybe for free or for a price) ones. I'm getting tired of the mindset that the only works that matter are the ones choking on their wordcount and 56 chapters and linear structure and publication status.

Like, do y'all also go to a mother who's singing her child to sleep with a made up lullaby and tell her that her little nonsensical tale doesn't matter because it's less than 1k and doesn't use the top 10 harvard-approved adverbs and is not a completed 30 chapter book just out of publication??

would you pop up 8000 years ago beside the campfire of Shamans reinventing and remaking stories for children every night to tell these Shamans that their stories have no significance because they're not written and not complete 50 paged manuscripts?? Do you really think that every story that changed a person's life and affected their existence in the 8000 years we've been on this bitch of an earth, that it was written and told in a neat linear design and was published by some face???

Like, not to be dramatic on main but anyone who devalues "an incomplete wip" or "just an AU" or "an idea" is shallow as fuck, because we've been telling stories for as long as we've existed and not half of it was meant to last beyond us and our love for very select loved ones. Not half of it was meant to become a 3k paged classic novel; they were just a token of someone's heart and mind, a glimpse of them shared with another person out of love. Like i literally dont give a flying fuck that you think a piece that has less than 5k words does not make "a complete story", my best friend once gifted me a 200-word piece for my birthday when i was 16 and at 30 i still tell it to myself when i get woken up by nightmares at 3am and can't go back to sleep, because stories, whether ideas or published works, are pieces of other people staying with us come sun or rain. And i'm so fucking tired of storytelling turning into yet another chore to complete, to accomplish, to perfect. Stories are an act of love and you dont go about measuring the worth of love by how "exceptional" it is, you just value it for what it is. Because every expression of love is invaluable.

[thethirdromana]

I finished watching The Witcher: Blood Origin last night, which was a delight, but it also got me thinking about some of the consequences of the no-new-stories world of TV and especially film that we're currently experiencing.

What I mean by no-new-stories is the way that our media is becoming ever-more dominated by pre-existing IP - sequels, prequels, adaptations etc. In the 1980s, of the top 10 highest grossing films worldwide, 5 were original stories. In the 2010s, none were. You have to go down the list as far as the 14th top grossing film, Frozen, to find anything that's not a prequel, sequel or adaptation from some earlier IP; the fact that half of the top 10 are Marvel movies obviously doesn't help. I think the trend is at its worst among films, but it exists across most media.

Blood Origin reminded me of a show I watched in 2021, Foundation, very loosely based on the Isaac Asimov series. I enjoyed it, but it felt like two different stories shoved together: the story that Asimov tells, and a Warhammer-esque science fantasy story about the challenges and decline of a millennia-old monarchy. I liked them both, but I'd have preferred to watch them separately, and it often felt like the show was more interested in telling the original story, rather than the story of Foundation. @inkskinned wrote this great post about how Glass Onion, unlike a lot of modern media, loves its audience back. I didn't get the impression that Foundation actively disliked fans of Isaac Asimov's original series, just that it wasn't much interested in them or what they wanted.

Some of the criticisms of Blood Origin suggests that a similar thing has happened there. It's supposed to be a Witcher prequel, but it isn't much interested in telling a story that's consistent with previous Witcher IP. Instead it was a fun fantasy romp in Witcher branding. (I've read one Witcher book and played about 2 hours of The Witcher 3, so I can't say for sure how true this is, but equally I haven't seen anyone disputing it).

Possibly the same is also true of Rings of Power? I'm less confident here because I enjoyed Foundation and Blood Origin, and I hated Rings of Power, which affects my ability to analyse it, but I think it does follow the same pattern of existing IP + new story that feels a bit like it was shoehorned in where it doesn't quite fit.

(Sidenote: among the changes across all three series are a considerable increase in diversity. In the novel Foundation, I don't think a woman so much as speaks until about two-thirds of the way through. Obviously, changing that is a very good thing. It also makes a lot of the criticism of these shows difficult to parse; sometimes fans say "this isn't consistent with the source material" and mean "I am upset that the elves are brown now". I hope it's clear that this kind of change isn't what I mean here, but I do think these phenomena are related: the showrunner who's happy to insert new storylines wholesale into an existing IP is also going to be the one who'll be happy to upset the racist and misogynistic parts of its fandom; the showrunner who is very keen to stay true to an existing IP will also be inclined to stay true to its more problematic aspects.)

I think in the world of no-new-stories, we'll keep seeing more and more of new ideas being inserted into existing IP, whether they fit or not. It's easy to see why: I watched Foundation because of its Foundation branding, even though I enjoyed the new elements more than the Asimov parts. I'm not sure if I would have watched it if it had had the Foundation trappings removed and been billed as an entirely new Warhammer-esque science fantasy show. And I'm quite certain that Apple wouldn't have spent $45m on a brand new untested story. But it would be nice to experience stories in the way that makes most sense for the story, not for commercial needs, all the same.

[jediken0bi]

Blissed Out

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary: BAU!Reader and Spencer are getting ready to spend the evening wining and dining with the Team and Spencer can't help but reflect on how lucky he is.

Domestic Bliss ensues!

Warnings: Some suggestive themes but nothing graphic

word count: 1393

-

Today was your lucky day. Not only did you not have a case but the team has seized up the opportunity to plan a nice dinner to catch up. You might see each other every day but the cases you deal with leave little to no time for other things. You miss your friends and you know Spencer does too.

Speaking of Spencer, he was currently getting dressed in the bedroom and you found him in a surprisingly good mood. Not that he's a grumpy person per se but he usually rejects the idea of going out when the alternative is staying in to watch Doctor Who.

You come up behind him to wrap your arms around his torso.

"Hey handsome are you almost ready?"

He leaned into your touch for a second before turning around and taking you in. You look as beautiful as ever. Your dress fits you in all the right places and your hair and make up look angelic.

Every time he looks at you, it feels like falling in love all over again.

"Pretty much. Can't decide on a tie though so i was hoping you'd help me"

You tugs at your waist and you collide with his chest. He leans down to press a kiss to your cheek and you lean into his touch with closed eyes.

"You look absolutely stunning" he half whispers before pressing a soft peck to your lips.

You can't help but blush at his actions. Not that Spencer isn't usually affectionate with you, quite the opposite really, but you still aren't used to his bluntness. Contrary to what others say about him, he doesn't feel the need to hide how he feels or downplay how he sees things anymore. Especially when it comes to you. Non of your previous relationships could've prepared you for the love Spencer lays on you every single day.

"Thank you, Spence"

You lean up to press another short kiss to his lips. You would love to do more than that right now but you're already late and you really did miss your friends.

Remembering his earlier request, you look past him to judge his tie options. You spot your favorite among them and excitedly point to it.

Spencer smiles and turns around to look at what you've chosen and let's out a small laugh that brings a wide smile to your face.

"I should've known how this would go. You really do love this tie huh" he says jokingly while placing it around his neck.

You stop his hands by grabbing them and pulling him towards you again.

"No, i love you and you just so happen to look very hot wearing that tie. I can't help it"

You bite your lip in order to suppress a grin.

As much as you still struggle to accept Spencers compliments, you know he's in the same boat as you.

He's not used to it at all and while he admitted to you that he really likes it when you compliment him it's obvious to you that he's still struggling with accepting them from time to time.

There's a hint of a blush on his cheeks and he looks down at his feet for a second before catching your eyes with a bashful smile.

"Thank you, my love"

You nod with a smile, happy he accepted the compliment. You reach up to tie his tie and are focused so hard on the task at hand that you almost miss the way Spencer looks at you while you struggle with straightening it out properly. A small smile works itself onto your face and before you can ask what he's looking at, he is already wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into a hug.

You let out a surprised giggle. You wrap your arms around his neck and he nuzzles his head in the crook of yours. He takes a deep breath before pressing featherlight kisses to your neck and cheek.

"Are you alright baby?" You ask in a calm voice. Maybe he just needs to be held right now and you're more than willing to provide him with that comfort but you'd rather be sure that's all there is to this outburst of emotion.

You can feel him smile at the pet name. He presses another kiss to your neck.

"Perfectly good. I just keep remembering how lucky i am. I never even thought this level of happiness existed outside of romance novels and now i get to wake up every morning experiencing it first hand. You know, before you stepped into my life there were times where i hated being me, but now i know there's isn't a single person on this planet i would ever want to switch with. Thank you for loving me"

Your eyes glisten with unshed tears as you let out a wobbly laugh. You lean back to capture his face with your hands and he all but melts under your touch. He presses a long kiss to your left palm und you stroke his cheek with the other.

"You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. You, Spencer Reid, are the most wonderful man i have ever met. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you see that"

A moment passes where you two just stare at each other in awe. Soaking in the underlying promise of a future filled with everything you two wanted.

A house, a cute backyard wedding, kids and mornings filled with butterfly kisses and unconditional support.

He leans down to kiss you and before your lips even touch his, you've already buried your hands in his curls. You close the gap between you two and as cliché as it sounds for a moment nothing else mattered. There was only you and him.

What started out fairly innocent quickly turned into something more. The cases have kept you two quite busy and it's been a minute since you spend some quality alone time.

He grips your waist and pulls you flush against his chest while his tongue asks for permission. You don't think twice about granting it and all of a sudden you find yourself wishing you didn't have to leave any minute.

There's many things that you love about Spencer but one of your favorite things is definitely how passionate he gets when you grant him access to your body. Each and every time he sucks in a deep breath and lets his eyes wander over every beautiful curve. His stares are shameless and it sends shockwaves through your entire body.

You are his as much as he is yours and he will always make sure you know just how worshipped you are.

He is by far the most attentive lover and boyfriend you've ever had and you shutter at the thought that there was a time where you accepted anything less.

A future without Spencer would be no future at all and all you can think about while he's kissing down your neck is how blessed you are to have found the love of your life at such a young age.

He kisses his way back up your neck and presses one final kiss to your lips before leaning back and smiling.

"Are you ready, my love? They're probably wondering where we are"

You give him a bright smile and nod your head happily. Your hands are sliding down his neck all the way down his back and before you can reach his butt, he grabs your hands and laughs.

"Nice try. Save that energy for later"

You give him a pout and he only laughs at your goofiness.

"You're obsessed with my butt, you know that?

You give him a dreamy smile and shrug lightly.

"It's a cute butt. No shame in wanting to claim it now is there?"

He shakes his head while trying to suppress a grin.

"It's all yours, i promise. Now let's go before Derek starts turning our late arrival into a very inappropriate party guessing game"

You laugh as he grabs your hand and pulls you out of the door. You intertwine your fingers with his and bump your shoulder into his side.

"$10 he's already made everyone give their best guess"

Spencer just holds your hand tighter and groans with a small smile.

"He definitely did"

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[littlelonghairedoutlawllho]

Re: make our sun stand still -- honestly at this point, these stories are so far removed from POTO how is it even fanfiction anymore? You should write original fiction. Also, your "historically detailed author's note": "sorelli's own TB is left intentionally vague" -- if you can't put that across as a writer, go back and re-work it. "FFN character limit should be abolished for my summary" -- a summary has to be tight. If you can't do it in like 3 sentences, it isn't a summary, is it?

I had a few initial responses to this, ranging from bleary-eyed comprehension at half six in the morning to intense anxiety, something that resembled a bitter laugh, and a brief flare of anger that was mercifully short.

Also, oddly, relief.

Anon, I’ve been expecting this message for some time. I expected it last week, with my Philippe/Sorelli stories, I expected it with the Tinder ‘verse, and with love-light, and the Delta stories, and Digging Up Bones, and a host of other times that it never came. That it has come now has caused me to step back and wonder, why? I’ve been expecting it for so long that I expected it with Soft Place to Fall almost through second-nature. I did get one very like this, last year, with Running Through the Rain, and it contributed to a night of alcohol poisoning that I have no desire to remember.

Anon, what is the definition of fanfiction? It is fan generated content about a set of characters created by somebody else. Anon, what is the definition of an alternate universe? The taking of those characters and placing them in a world different to their own.

Every act of fic writing creates an AU, no matter how closely the writer adheres to canon, because every act of fic writing creates a story already fundamentally different to canon.

Anon, what is the definition of PotO fanfiction?

A fan-generated piece of content about characters originating in Phantom of the Opera. Last I checked those were the origins of Sorelli. I simply imagined how she might be in a different set of circumstances. Admittedly a very different set of circumstances, but she is Sorelli nonetheless.

The prompt I received, that led to the creation of this fic, called simply for something featuring Christine, Sorelli, time travel, and mutual pining. There was no compunction on me to set the fic in the canon era. I freely admit canon-era France is something I know a very limited amount about. I am a historian, but that setting is not my area of research.

I do write original fiction. I’ve had a story broadcast nationally and it is available online and I have spoken about it here in the past. I’ve had scraps of poetry published. I am working on the third draft of a novel. None of that means that I can’t also write fic. None of that means that I can’t take someone else’s characters and set them in a wildly different world.

I can, and I will, and I have.

If you don’t like it you don’t have to read it. The evidence is that you have read it because you quote from my own author’s note. That particular line, about the source of Sorelli’s own tuberculosis, exists because I know some readers would like a clear-cut answer on it. The body of the fic itself provides no less than three potential sources of infection. Tuberculosis was endemic in the Ireland of the 1920s, and the 1930s, and the 1940s, and before. 60,000 people died of the disease in the approximate period of 1932-1947, a period when the total population barely reached 3 million, and those fatality figures likely are only a partial picture, due the stigma around the disease, the reluctance to put it down as cause of death on a death certificate, and the multiplicity of atypical presentations of it. Even the three sources of infection I provide may not be the one that caused it in this one (fictional) case.

The fic itself has all of the historical details and explanations it needs. The author’s note simply provides some additional context, because I for one like when a historically-based fic does that. I am a historian, a historian of medicine as well as of politics and agriculture, and this is my failing. I can delete the note if you want, but I don’t think it would make you happy.

You also grossly overstate my comment on the FFN summary character limit. The actual comment was “summarising something like this is a bitch and frankly the FFN character limit should be abolished.” It was written in response to circumstance — I wrote the summary for the fic on AO3, attempted to copy and paste it into the box on FFN, and had to cut it down to make it fit. That does not inherently change the content of either the fic or the summary, it purely impacted the flow and readability of the summary. Personally, I prefer when cross-posted fics have the same summary on multiple sites and when it somewhat reflects the tone of the story. It is a simple matter of taste and prevents so much confusion. I frequently find FFN an unwieldy site — and have mentioned this on a number of occasions in the past — and for a fic like this the tagging system on AO3 works so much better than a mere summary and two restrictive genre tags. But again, that is a matter of taste.

And when was the last time you read a novel — or a historical text — summarized in less than three sentences? Three very short sentences at that.

But to return to the matter of fanfiction, and what defines it. PotO is, quite frankly, the most conservative fandom I’ve ever been in, AU-wise. In fact in most regards. Have you ever searched through the multiplicity of AUs available for things like Sherlock or Wynonna Earp or Harry Potter on AO3? In the case of Harry Potter, a huge amount of them don’t even involve magic. There are historical AUs of every shape and form, including westerns, including war stories. They are all as entitled to being called fanfiction as something that strictly adheres to the most obvious senses of the word.

‘make our sun stand still’ would not work at all as a piece of original fiction. That is one extremely obvious fact about it, even setting aside details. The very means of the time travel in the story — to be explored further through Christine’s perspective — are derived from The Time Traveler’s Wife, and I will be citing that. There are a number of other things that I would not have felt comfortable including if it had been an original piece. All of those changes would result in a wildly different story, and frankly I believe something would be lost by implementing those changes, and not merely my own self-indulgent enjoyment of it.

Just because it doesn’t look like your typical piece of PotO fic does not mean it cannot exist as PotO fic. I freely admit my stories are not for everyone. I have not adhered to the most common principles of PotO fic in more than two years. Possibly I’ve only adhered to it a handful of times in the last four years. I have posted 197 PotO fics (a total of 641,241 words, 77.4% of my entire fic output), and that is not fully reflective of the 48 one-shots contained in the Fragmentations collection, or the host of one-shots and snippets posted here that never made it to fic sites. If we were limited to the most doctrinaire conception of PotO fic, a good 90% of my fics would not exist. Possibly only 10 would exist, possibly only 5. Possibly none and would that make you happy? And if so, perhaps you ought to wonder why.

But it’s not just me. Should every fic writer adhere to the most doctrinaire conception of it, all originality in fic would be lost. Fic is an incredibly innovative and fertile literary field. It feeds into itself in a self-sustaining loop. The fic read for one fandom influences the fic written and enjoyed in another fandom. The backgrounds of the fic writers themselves inform the fics they write — not just setting and speech and sexuality, but a variety of other things too. If I were not a historian, most of my fics would not exist. If I were not a farmer, they would not exist either. If I were not Irish, there are at least 70,000 words of fic that would not exist. If I were not a queer woman, I likely would never have started writing fic at all.

We cannot wholly divorce a fic from the person writing it, and nor should we, just as we cannot wholly divorce it from its canon. And no matter how full a fic is of original elements, it remains a fic, because some if not all of the characters will have been sourced from somebody else’s work. They may have a different accent and a different background and a different skin colour and a different taste in romantic and sexual partners, but there will always be that seed of them that came from canon. So if it’s called fic and it’s posted to a fic site, chances are it works better as fic than as an original work.

So perhaps, Anon, you ought to take a step back, and reflect a little, and look around you, before you wander into my inbox. Chances are I’ve already asked myself the questions you’re posing, and formed a conclusion, and with the information I have access to about myself and my work those conclusions are not going to change just because you couldn’t allow yourself to think outside the box.