#thank you for journeying through the opinion zone with me. now leaving

[bogkeep]

[now entering: the OPINION ZONE]

the way i feel about Booktok(tm), as a phenomenon, or maybe more as a weird miasma that is seeping through every bookstore i enter, is that we don't see eye to eye. i'm sure it's got a lot more variation and diversity than whatever weird takes bubble up to the surface for my tiktok-less self to stumble upon - mostly i just feel like my motivation for reading books is different than theirs. there is the occasional overlap in the Books I Enjoy / Big On Booktok venn diagram (which makes me feel very weird about those books but that's for me to sort out), but i cannot personally Trust a booktok recommendation, if that makes sense. either way, it's none of my business what other people like to read, and i think me and booktok can peacefully coexist in each our own spheres. (if all of this is completely incomprehensible to you i salute you and envy your peace of mind.)

anyway, a very fascinating discussion that keeps showing up recently is the phenomenon where popular booktok influencers admit to skipping paragraphs that are too long, or only reading the dialogue of a book, or performing shock at a printed book containing Too Many Words Per Page. what fascinates me is not so much that it is happening (though it DOES fascinate me), but how much people reacting to this struggle to explain exactly Why it's so aggravating.

like, i feel like the obvious takeaway is that these people are monetizing their alleged joy of reading, and then... don't? even like to read? that the consumerist aesthetic of Being A Reader is more profitable on a video platform than doing the due diligence of reviewing books properly? that the content machine marches on and if you're too slow you'll fall behind??

INSTEAD the discussion seems to center around the good old "oohh nooo people read BAD BOOKS instead of GOOD BOOKS and IT'S IMPORTANT TO CHALLENGE YOUR BRAINNN or else the MEDIA LITERACY....." and i'm sorry but i think this has been a moral panic for as long as we've had literature. media literacy has never had a golden age that i'm aware of. there's always been trashy romances that authors pump out on the monthly for easy consumption. capitalism is gonna value profit over quality for as long as it's in charge. people who read for fun are gonna read what they're gonna read, and they're gonna read it in the way they enjoy reading. i agree that reading Good Books is deeply fulfilling! but that is my personal and subjective experience that not everyone is going to share.

i think the reason i feel weird about the insistence that you Must, at least occasionally, Challenge Yourself while reading is that... i'm exhausted in my brain. too exhausted to challenge myself for fun. maybe it's a burnout thing. i really really get looking at a paragraph and finding it simply too much to absorb right now. my main method of getting through books these days is in audio format, even if i would personally prefer to read them visually (they'd stick to my brain better, i would see how names are spelled, sudden POV switches between paragraphs would be less confusing). but reading a book in text form is taking me weeks at best - unless it's a special kind of book that i can't help but devour immediately, sleep schedule be damned (which is another toll to pay). some books are just too complex and need too much focus for me to enjoy right now, so i keep having to goldilock my way to what feels Just Right. some books, i'm sure i'll get back to later. some i've made my peace with never picking up despite the fact that they feel Obligatory (my apologies to lord of the rings. i've Tried and i just can't do it). so like i GET IT. sometimes reading is too much.

what i Wish the discussion was more about, was instead finding ways to read that's enjoyable for you. there is literature and screen plays that are Only Dialogue. there's graphic novels. there's audiobooks and e-readers that let you change the font sizes. there's lots and lots and lots of fanfiction that's literally just banter and smut. there's no shame in reading what you enjoy! there's no shame in spending months on the same book! but i suppose it's not as ~Aesthetic~ as purchasing 10 editions of the same book series on amazon dot hell!!!!

[messers-moony]

Serene | F.H

Paring: Five Hargreeves X Fem!Reader

Summary: Five’s wife has a room in their apartment for her own safe keeping. But Diego’s daughter accidentally reveals her biggest secret.

Her scent was heavenly—a beautiful desired mix of coffee, chocolate, and old books. Waking up beside her was like waking up in a coffee shop during sunrise. Her scent resembled her nature and her personality to a tea.

She was calm, collective, resourceful, and quiet. Much different than he himself. Number Five was just as innovative as her. But he found himself more different than similar. He often acted upon impulse and unable to rest. To his siblings, they were bewildered at how the two of them spent a multitude of years together in an apocalypse.

Nevertheless, opposites attract.

Regardless, she didn’t speak up. Instead, she hid in a corner with a book agreeing with the other person instead of saying her point of view. She hated conflict more than anything. Five, on the other hand, would only make conflict when necessary. He always stood up for himself and his opinions.

It was a communication issue they both had to solve. While in the apocalypse, she didn’t speak for the first month. He was lucky if he even got some form of communication other than a nod or a shake of the head. Eventually, he learned her name was Y/n. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. She looked like her name.

She moved so delicately and smoothly it drove Five crazy. This woman he met was so opposite to him it drove him up the wall. The conflict between the two usually ended up in her quietly leaving the shared apartment and returning later than expected. Which left Five to pull at the tuffs of his brown hair in frustration.

Five overthought everything. This woman was the light of his life, but she couldn’t deal with conflict to save her life, and it made him wonder. Maybe she went through a dark time before the apocalypse. Perhaps the scars on her arms weren’t from accidental burns on the fire. He paced in their main room for hours. It seemed before a knock on the door caught his attention.

The boy opened the door to see his brother, “ Hey, Diego. “

“ Um, hey, Five. “ Regardless of Diego’s nervous greeting, Five gave a reassuring smile, “ Artemis wanted to know if she could stay here for the time being while I’m at work. “

The little girl was Y/n’s pride and joy. The two were so highly similar. Even Artemis found herself cowering at Five sometimes. Five was just a ticking time bomb no one ever knew when it would explode, and it made people nervous. Henceforth Diego was hoping Y/n would answer the door with her soothing nature.

“ Yeah, she can stay here for as long as she wants. “ Five replied softly, looking at the ten-year-old girl, “ Is Y/n here? “ Diego queried.

Five shook his head, “ She went out. I’m sure she’ll be back later. “

“ Alright, well, thank you for taking care of her. “ Diego sighed as Artemis went inside Five’s apartment, “ It’s no problem. “

Diego gave another nervous smile and walked away. The brunet male shut the door and locked it afterward. The little girl never really got along with Five. He didn’t know what to do. Children didn’t mix well with Five, especially an introverted, antisocial ten-year-old girl.

Artemis was gorgeous for her age. Long brown hair that resembled Vanya’s at her age with bangs across her forehead. Striking blue eyes like no other. A pale complexion compared to Diego’s naturally tan one. Her name was almost a contradiction to who she was. This little girl was no independent, strong, brave goddess. Instead, she was intelligent, quiet, and careful.

There was one room in the apartment Y/n didn’t really let anyone into. It was the ‘spare’ bedroom that wasn’t really a bedroom anymore. Five had only been in there a handful of times. It was known as her safe space, so Five respected that. But Artemis seemed to walk right inside. To say it made Five uneasy was an understatement. He didn’t know if she was allowed inside or not.

Five walked into the room and was greeted with bookshelves. It looked much different than the last time he saw it. The room wasn’t huge, maybe the average size of a square bedroom. Black bookshelves covered the walls with a desk sitting in the middle of the room planted on a rug. The only wall space not covered was a window with a tiny navy blue couch placed in front of it.

That’s where Artemis sat with a book in hand; she giggled at her uncle’s lost complexion, “ You haven’t been in here before, have you? “

“ I- I haven’t been in here a lot. “ Five replied in awe of the room, “ Aunt Y/n says she doesn’t let a lot of people in here. “ Artemis’ voice was soft and serene.

“ Yeah, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve been allowed in this room. “ He reminisced, “ Is this where you two talk? “

Artemis nodded, “ We talk a lot in here. This is where she works, and she shows me all her drafts. “

“ She works in here? “ Five queried, completely baffled, “ Mhm! You didn’t know? “ The young girl asked.

“ No, I- I didn’t know. “ He muttered, “ She’s not just an English teacher. She writes books in her spare time. “ Artemis smiled.

“ She does? “ Five spoke, “ Like how Vanya wrote her autobiography? “

“ Kind of. “ Artemis answered, “ She writes fiction novels. “

Five spun around the room, “ Can you show me? “

The young girl didn’t reply. Instead, she looked at Y/n’s desk sitting in the middle of the room. Under the rug laid a key which she picked up. Carefully she unlocked the bottom drawer on the left side of the desk, which held multiple different notebooks full of drafts and notes.

Artemis picked up a navy blue-bound notebook and handed it to him, “ This is her most recent stuff. “

Shocked and astonished at what his wife was hiding from him, he took the navy blue book. He took a spot on the rug sitting next to the open drawer while Artemis went back to reading on the couch. Her handwriting was elegant cursive that she taught herself how to do. The notebook was as messy as Five’s lesson plans for his college students. Nonetheless, he read on.

Life is a journey and full of different surprises. People from all around the world meet in the center for one leading cause. What occurs when tomorrow doesn’t happen? What is indeed on the other side? People tend to believe there’s an afterlife. Others think that it’s game over.

Brooklyn James takes a path into the unknown. A scared adolescent. She takes a brave step to find the answers for everyone. But at what cost? Prophecies advise and warn. People intrigued and fascinated.

When happens when both ends meet?

Five sat on the floor, entranced in her writing. He couldn’t believe his eyes. How has he never seen this before? How was she doing this without him noticing? Eventually, he closed the book and looked inside the drawer. Inside was an envelope with his name on it. Curiosity peaked, he took the envelope and opened it. Inside he found more writings, but all addressed to him. It even went back to the apocalypse.

It’s been about a month now. I was able to find some parchment and ink in an old book store. I can imagine they were selling for the aesthetic of old ways of writing. Thankfully I learned how to write with a quill, or perhaps this note would look like one big black blob. Five seems to be adjusting to me better. I’m scared of him. He’s terrifying.

We’re so different it hurts. He likes to express everything, and I don’t know how to feel about it. My entire life, I’ve been shut down to the point where talking feels like a fruitless effort. Maybe talking to him will help me. But I’m scared. What if he shuts me out as everyone else did.

This is so surreal. We’re stuck in an apocalyptic future—stupid healing powers. I wish I never healed myself sometimes. I didn’t know that after climbing out of my burnt house, this is what the world would look like. Five’s been a great help, though. Sometimes he takes my mind off things. At night he’ll ramble about the constellations, and I like learning about them.

Maybe he thinks I’m asleep or not listening because I don’t talk much, but I’ve learned a lot from him. He makes me want to be a teacher, step out of my comfort zone. I hope he becomes a teacher. He’d be a fantastic math professor.

He continued to read through until a voice made him jump, “ So, you’ve found my locked drawer. “

“ I- I didn’t- I didn’t mean- “ Five suddenly became a stuttering mess, “ I showed him. “ Artemis admitted.

Although Y/n wasn’t mad, Artemis cowered with her head, looking at the floor. Y/n’s voice never held anger, even when she was angry. Her voice was calming, soothing, and laced with honey. It was one of the reasons Five fell so in love with her.

“ Artemis, can you step out to the living room, please? “ She knelt before the girl giving her a tiny smile, “ You aren’t in trouble, my princess. I just want to talk to Five, okay? “

“ I’m- I'm sorry. “ The girl whimpered, and Y/n kissed her cheek gently, “ It’s okay, you aren’t in trouble. I’m not mad. I just need you to sit in the living room for a moment. “ Five stared in wonder at his wife comforting the tiny girl.

The young girl got the message and padded to the living room. Y/n stood up from her spot and stared at her guilty husband. His green eyes looked everywhere except for her e/c ones. He wanted her to yell or be angry with him, but she never was. No matter what, he couldn’t ever make her mad. Her patience were infinite.

“ I suppose you found what I’ve been working on. “ She stated, and Five nodded, “ And you saw my parchment from the apocalypse. “

“ I really didn’t mean to. “ He murmured, and she chuckled, “ You were going to have to find out sooner rather than later. “ Y/n replied.

Without warning, he was embraced. Her arms were wrapped around his torso while her head rested on his heart. The scent of her shampoo reached his nose, a glorious mix of honey and coconut he couldn’t ever get enough of. His arms gently wrapped themselves around her shorter frame while his chin perched on top of her head.

He kissed her hair gently, “ I didn’t mean to snoop. I’m sorry, love. “

“ Well, do you like it? “ She asked, “ Like what? “

“ My drafts, my room, my notes? “ Y/n listed, “ I love it because it’s who you are. “ Five replied softly.

He pulled away to meet her soft e/c eyes, “ This room is who you are as a person. If I had to describe you in one room, it’d be something along these lines. “

“ You aren’t mad I didn’t tell you? “ She whispered, and he shook his head, “ Never. We spent forty-five years together with no privacy because we didn’t have that. When you said you wanted this room to yourself, I didn’t hesitate to agree with you. “ His voice was soft like silk.

His green eyes glittered like gems, “ This is your private room, your safe place, and I shouldn’t be mad at you for wanting privacy. “

She kissed his cheek gratefully, “ Thank you. “

“ Anytime, darling. Anytime. “

[burnedbyshoto]

hole in the wall

In a party for the ages, Shouto comes across a room with hole in the wall that has him coming back for more.

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pairing: todoroki shouto x fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, PWP, cult activity, drug mention, alcohol consumption, glory hole, cursing, degradation, praise, possessive jealous!shouto, stuck in the wall, spanking, overstim, bruising, bleeding, breeding

word count: 7,831

a/n: read the fucking warnings bro, im tired, I hate formatting, here’s to finally writing what I wanna write! also, this is for a lovely bnharem collab that kept getting pushed back... make sure to read the intro to understand my story! anyways, gloryholes is peak anonymous sex and I just,,, if thats the only way imma get to suck shoutos cock, I will. I had something else to say... I forgot. oH THIS IS WRITTEN IN A NEW STLYE-ISH??? porn from shoutos pov!!!

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Traditionally, when people think of the connection between heroes and cults, they expect that the heroes eradicate the cults, not that the heroes are a part of a cult.

It was somewhat ironic that a group of people who advocated for public safety, for the wellbeing of every citizen of the country - the world - would demand compensation in areas that didn't involve financial compensation. Heroes saved the day countless amounts of times, but when they needed... help at night because they've been so busy saving the world, there needed to be compensation.

It had shocked nearly everyone within the hero community when none other than Yaoyorozu Momo brought them a solution. For nothing more than loyalty to saving the day, all heroes granted the benefit of joining the Savior of Eight Million, an… organization brought forth by the prodigious hero. It had shocked the hero community at first that the once thought of a modern-day princess, putting together a wicked group that served the beastly needs of heroes, was almost laughable. But as time passed, as trials tested the organization (cult), the more heroes realized how lucky they were that it was Yaoyorozu who created this.

The Yaoyorozus, in all their riches and connections, made this group untouchable.

Police were bought off, apprehended, silenced.

Heroes with the savior complex were put down.

Villains were never believed.

The Savior of Eight Million held ties with the greatest, the most esteemed people in the world. The parties were unworldly, dripping with diamonds and gold, the sweet smell of champagne barely drowning out the bitter acidic and burning plastic smell of the drugs used vicariously at their gatherings. All heroes joined, politicians and celebrities fought to get in, and commoners wished they could be the servants of the night, whether that meant they would be serving food, drinks, or drugs, or allowing the heroes to do what this was all started for: to fuck them.

Of course, it didn't help that each commoner was paid for their service, discretion, and loyalty. Those who attempted to give away the secrets of the nights were always taken care of, and every gathering after someone tried to snitch, there was always a complaint that a sex slave just wasn't good enough.

Yaoyorozu Momo was a sweet girl, a helpful woman. She was a hero.

Heroes far and wide grovel at her feet in thanks, and even more surprisingly, even her old class supported this. Oh, how great life was when you were the most significant, greatest, and most untouchable cult in history.

To Todoroki Shouto, well, he didn't really have an opinion on this all, not really at least.

The cult - the organization, was created to help out heroes such as himself live comfortably while having such a busy lifestyle. His sex drive had never been that high, with his twenty-fifth birthday approaching, he could count on his two hands the number of times he'd been attended to with the help of the organization within the past five years.

Yes, two years after debuting as heroes, Momo had approached the graduate class with her plan. Todoroki Shouto could never deny a friend, especially not someone as smart and intentional as Yaoyorozu Momo. He had been one of the first - if not the first - voice to approve of her project.

However, the fifth-anniversary gathering (it was not a party) was finally here. Two months ago, the first round of reminders came around in the form of a beautifully handwritten card by their fearless yet kind leader. Shouto wondered if she really had handwritten each and every card, or if she had created it with her quirk - while he wasn't that heavily involved, he was not ignorant to the numbers of the cult, group, organization.

TO TODOROKI SHOUTO,

I WRITE THIS LETTER TO ASK IF YOU WILL BE JOINING US IN TWO MONTHS FOR ONE OF THE MANY GREATEST CELEBRATIONS WE - THE MEMBERS OF THE SAVIOR OF EIGHT MILLION - WILL HAVE FOR OUR FIFTH ANNIVERSARY OF BEING SUCH A WELL RECEIVED AND INFLUENTIAL ORGANIZATION. I AM GRATEFUL TO RELAY THAT OUR ESTEEMED MEMBERS BAKUGOU-SAN AND MIDORIYA-SAN WILL BE HOSTING OUR EVENT!

I FEEL AS IF WE HAVE NOT SEEN EACH OTHER IN SO LONG, TODOROKI-SAN, AND I MISS YOU SO DEARLY. I HOPE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE HAVE BEEN FINE AND THAT WE SHOULD MEET UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! PLEASE MAKE SURE TO RESPOND TO THE RSVP TO EITHER JIROU-SAN, KAMINARI-SAN, OR ME!

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN, YAOYOROZU MOMO

The letter had been kind, inviting, and so fleeting it made Shouto feel like he needed more from one of his most missed and trusted friend. Still, there would be time to catch up with everyone, no use in pushing now.

Grabbing his phone, Shouto typed in Momo's contact name into the search bar, tongue swiping his lower lip while he typed in his message and sent it. He had never been one for these parties. Too often, there were just too over-the-top. The festivities and friends were fun, but having to fight the impossible crowds for a moment of peace kept him from attending.

A truly mundane member.

But this was different after all, it wasn't every day that they celebrated five great years of service.

I'll be going, Yayorozu.

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Two months went by before Shouto had even realized it.

In those two months, he had received a formal invitation with a day and time. 

2X28, OCTOBER 23

STARTING FROM 20:00

Of course, the lack of an address is a precaution for keeping their organization out of the limelight should they be betrayed. Events of all shapes and sizes were always planned by the upper board of the organization. Only a specific few knew the place where the night would befall, and the rest of the members would be brought to the festivities by a chauffeur provided by the Yaoyorozu's. Getting to and from the party was always stressfree, no matter what befell that night, their safety of getting home was still safe.

The invitation was tucked away into the inside pocket of his jacket, it was his ticket to getting into the party, and it was best to not leave it behind. 

With the invitation now securely placed into his jacket, the smooth inflexible material stiff against his chest, Shouto stared into the mirror he stood before.

An elegant full-length mirror reflected his image to him, and truth be told, he was impressed with his presentation.

A charcoal grey Italian suit trimmed glinting silver nearly gleamed against the white light; the jacket was undone, exposing the white-collared long-sleeved shirt underneath. Typically, Shouto was a tie man, but the sleek black tie he was to wear lay hanging on the hanger, the first few buttons of the shirt undone. It highlighted his toned chest, the few pale scars on his chest just visible enough on his exposed skin to look like it was intensional. He looked good.

His fingers touched his hair, the once long style had been cut in a recent fight with a villain. It hadn't mattered much to Shouto, and in fact, the sudden haircut had spiked his overall ratings. It was short now, just long enough for his fingers to graze through the locks. It was slicked back, the swirl of red and white mixing and strands of red falling into his sight.

“Todoroki-sama, the car is here.”

Shouto didn't bother turning to the attendee, his gaze taking him in one last time.

"I'll be there."

His footsteps were quiet in the hallway, his waxed shiny black shoes gleaming in his hands as he walked to the front room. He slipped on the tight shoes and looked up to his servant, who stood at the front door with a patterned, black mask.

Nodding, he grabbed the mask and slipped it inside of his jacket as well.

A kitsune.

"Safe journey."

"I'll be back tonight."

And into the car, he went, the warm smell of leather and spices filling the backseat of the self-driving car. Shouto relaxed against the black leather, his eyes staring at the road while he slipped the mask out from his jacket. There was no reason to don the mask while stepping out of the house, being caught with it at his home always smelled trouble. 

In the car's silence, his fingers rested onto his lap, his lips set into a firm line while his thoughts lingered to what was to come at this party. 

The last time Bakugou and Midoriya hosted anything, it had ended with an overall disaster. Thankfully then it had been for their agency's founding party and not something dealing with the organization. But before he could muster the will to seek out further information on the private event, he realized that the car was already pulling into the large mansion where the event was being held.

People emerged from the cars before his own, the sleek masks donning on their faces, keeping their identities from unwanted eyes. The covers were specially made by none other than Yaoyorozu with the assistance of Hatsume Mei to ensure that those who wore it would be unrecognizable unless they were within a certain radius.

A small puff of air escaped Shouto's lips as his car pulled up to the unloading zone, and his strong fingers slipped on the mask before the car door opened. With the confidence and power, only those who worked as a top-ranked hero had Shouto emerged from the car immediately greeted by the entrance staff. 

With his hands moving to button his jacket, he nodded his head when receiving information on what to expect upon entering. Shouto felt like he nodded forever while making his way up the entrance of the event, his hand reluctantly offering his phone and wallet over and receiving a ticket for retrieving it. Of course, the ticket came the bundle of condoms.

An eyebrow arched under the mask, and Shouto couldn't help the amused smirk that befell his lips as he pocketed the condoms.

The fuckers made this a sex party.

Why they even bothered to deny that they were a cult was beyond him at this point.

But as the grand doors opened, Shouto couldn't help but tense at the room's mixing aroma.

The sweet smell of champagne bubbled in his nose, wafting in powerfully with the perfumes secreting from every person in the room. If it had been his first time at an event like this, Shouto would have missed the undertone of burning plastic in the air. His eyes followed a civilian dressed up in a zebra zentai bodysuit holding a silver powder with most definitely not cocaine to who looked like the Prime Minister since he had his mask on.

Rolling his eyes, Shouto walked further into the room, ignoring the offers of drugs and alcohol as he carried on. 

"Todoroki, my man! You made it!" came the loud and energetic voice of Kaminari Denki.

It shouldn't have shocked Shouto to immediately be swarmed with who looked like Kirishima (who wore a mask resembling a bear) and Kaminari (who had his mouse resembling mask resting on around his neck), who by the smell at least, were not sober.

"You're the last one to show up, dude! We almost thought you were gonna flake!" Kirishima added, his hand coming to land on Shouto's shoulder, his lips perked into a broad smile. "Everyone else decided to join the orgy room a few minutes ago, but this guy here—" he made a pointed jab at Kaminari's chest. "Was causing a large enough disturbance that we were kicked out."

"Bro, it's not my fault that those dummy civilians can't handle a few jolts of pain!"

"You literally electrocuted everyone in that orgy and left everyone unable to speak for a solid minute, bro!"

"Everyone else is here?" Shouto interrupted rather impressed to here that even Mineta was invited to this party - or maybe he had snuck in - choosing to ignore the mention of an orgy room.

Typical cult things, he reminded himself.

"Yeah, Denki and I don't have to go in tomorrow, so we pre-gamed at his place before coming. Sero did too, but after a few minutes of talking with some trapeze girl, they went into a room and well…" Kirishima trailed off, letting Shouto put two and two together. "Mina is flirting with the crown prince, Yaomomo and Jirou are in the orgy room, Bakugou and Midoriya seem to be micromanaging everything—"

"Those two need sex the most out of the entire class! Have you ever seen a bigger work pole up anyone's asses than in those two?!" Kaminari groaned, his fingers roughly rubbing the skin of his face, and Shouto laughed softly in agreement. It was somewhat ironic that their virgin classmates were the ones who organized and put together a sex party.

"I can't begin to imagine Midoriya having sex. Although that man is basically becoming sex on legs," Kaminari continued to gripe, Shouto grunting softly in thanks when Kirishima handed him a cup filled to the near brim with a copper liquid that burned smoothly down his throat. Shouto grimaced as he managed to down the entire thing. "I can see Bakugou just blowing a hole into the wall and fucking it and considering that sex. Ain't nobody normal who can — OH MY GOD!"

Shouto looked at his friend with nearing annoyance; however, the alcohol already taking a humming effect over his body made the annoyance slip easily.

"Bro, you're gonna get us kicked out of this party, and that's gonna be the shittiest thing!" Kirishima groaned while Kaminari spazzed with what seemed to be the biggest lightbulb of an idea.

"The hoes — the holes! For the glory!" Kaminari slurred with how fast he was speaking, his hands fisting into both Shouto's and Kirishima's jackets, his yellow eyes burning bright in his excitement.

Shouto tried to keep his annoyance down, and the itch to rip Kaminari's iron grip from his shoulder.

"I don't know what you're talking about—" Kirishima tried again, his hand resting on Kaminari's ribcage to steady him. 

"Ei, the gloryholes!"

Gloryholes? 

Shouto numbing mind searched the banks of his memory to figure out where that word came from and why it sounded vaguely familiar.

"Oh, fuck," came Kirishima's strained approval, and Shouto looked at his two friends who were grinning pervertedly at each other.

"What's that?" Shouto asked, his lips buzzing slightly as the alcohol was fully absorbed into his bloodstream, and somehow the smell of sex filled his nose, and the noises of unadulterated carnal lust filled his ears.

"Oh man, Todoroki, if you don't know," Kaminari trailed off, his lips pinched into an elfish smirk, and electricity coming off his hair in his evident excitement. "Just trust me, you gotta experience this shit!"

Shouto wasn't sure if it was the alcohol that thrummed merrily in his veins or the knowing glint in his friend's eyes that whispered to him to find out just what it was, but he felt his head nod without his full awareness. The feeling of their hands on his upper shoulder felt fuzzy as they took him away, intent heavy in every step they took.

He could barely take in the passing rooms as they went, the aerial artists, the sex rooms, the orgy rooms. There were so many rooms designated for just about every kink imaginable that even the stoic Shouto felt his cheeks flaring in embarrassment. With each passing step and opened room, the smell of sex, pheromones, and lust grew in Shouto's nose; the more the sticky sweet moans and screams of the cult members clung to his skin.

For a hero that was never too hot or too cold without his own ministrations, his skin was feeling feverishly hot with cold feet when they finally stopped in front of the only closed door in the hallway.

"Welcome!" came a cheery voice, Shouto blinked, and a woman appeared from nowhere.

She wore a powder blue ava tea dress; it was elegant, sleek, yet too old-school for an event such as this one. Shouto immediately assumed that she was not partaking in the sexual activities, but was instead acting as a hostess of sorts.

"Just you three patrons tonight?" she asked, her head tilting to the side and Kirishima speaking up in agreement for the group of three. "Good, good. We do have enough openings for the three of you, most people haven't found our little… hole in the wall, if you would," she took a moment to giggle joyfully, her gloved fingers pressing to her ruby red lips and Shouto fought the urge to walk away. "So please, feel free to look around and stay as long as you want!"

Her words were light and breezy, but still, there was rising suspicion and tension in Shouto's spine at her small quip.

With an innocuous smile and a glint in her eyes, she opened the door with a gentle, "have fun," and Shouto's friends ushered him in.

His initial reaction? What. The. Fuck?!

The room they entered was large and spacious, or well, at the very least, Shouto assumed it would have been if it wasn't for the obviously installed maze of walls. But with every wall, there was a collage of pictures. Faces of women, men, humans, mutants, everything you could think of plastered above a hole. Curiously enough, the images above one hole were of the same person.

His eyes swept the room, and he saw a few spots already taken, men with their pants and underwear dropped to their knees pressing up against the wall so that their noses were smushed to the makeshift walls.

Shouto blinked.

Gloryholes? Pictures of random people?

Were they fucking ghosts?

"This is paradise!" Kaminari groaned in pleasure, his arms spacing out as if he had come with fantastic news. "These normies always look at you so weirdly when you fuck at orgies, here… you get the nut and don't have to have them staring at you!"

Paradise?!

Shouto stared as his electricity wielding friend approached a hole that adorned photos of a girl with hooded eyes and a tongue piercing. He dropped his bottoms before sticking his hardening cock into the waiting hole with two raps of his fist. At this point, Shouto wasn't sure if what he had drunk was actually alcohol now. 

"These aren't dead people, are they?" Shouto couldn't keep himself from asking, his palms sweating while Kirishima laughed deeply in his chest.

"Not at all, man, it's real people, I promise! Pick your hole and have fun!" Kirishima encouraged, placing a solid pat on Shouto's shoulder before approaching a hole with a picture of a girl with bright eyes and a bright smile.

Nodding numbly to himself at this point, Shouto meandered the different walls, his eyes absorbing the various pictures on the walls.

But he fell on the spot with a picture so vivating that drew him in. The chasms of your eyes defiant yet shy, a smile that called him in, and lips that looked supple and strong.

He stood no chance in defying the itching, burning need to follow suit of every other person in this room. Shouto approached the hole, his fingers pulling at his belt, quickly lowering his charcoal grey slacks and black boxer briefs. He stared into your pictured eyes, mesmerized by them, and grasped onto his hardening cock.

A soft shudder invaded his skin as he pressed his cock through the awaiting hole, the skin of his heated cock scraping against the hole, making him strangle a grunt in his throat. But when the wet heat of your mouth enveloped his cock past the hole in the wall, Shouto's face nearly crashed against the wall.

Shouto wasn't sure what to have expected, but he had summed up that this was some over-glorified handjob, a vigorous clumsy jackoff he could have done himself. But he did not expect, in any sense of what this was, to be met with warm, wet lips and a tongue that pressed underneath the head of his cock.

A guttural noise slipped past his lips, and Shouto's palms pressed against the wall, his head spinning dizzyingly from the sensation.

Shouto's breathing was erratic, his cock hardening more, twitching within your mouth as he felt your head begin to bob against his length at a slow, leisurely pace. 

His hips thrust toward the wall, his vision spinning from what this heightened sensation of what he always thought to be a mundane act. Shouto's slacks were too far up his thighs; however, the fabric spread to his max despite his attempt to lower down. He wanted to get closer to the wall, get whoever you were past this wall to take in his entire cock without an issue, so mindlessly, instinctively, he shoved the slacks further down, grunting with relieved pleasure at being able to spread out further, at getting closer to you.

"Holy shit," Shouto grunted, his forehead pressing against the cold wall, undoubtedly crinkling the paper of your photos. His hips came forward, hitting the wall dividing him and you with low, vibrating thuds, and you let him, allowed him to keep his rutting hips at the pace they were. You took him in as if it was nothing, the smooth skin of your lips gliding against his throbbing length, your tongue running alongside the bottom of his cock, tracing the veins of his skin, twisting against the sensitive skin, providing new sensations and shivers.

Shouto knew immediately that you were letting him fuck your mouth however he saw fit.

He felt you moan around him, a long, deep, undeniable noise that somehow drifted through the hole, vibrated against his cock, and could be felt against his curling toes. The sound and sensations were proving to be effective, a pooling heat building in his balls, simmering up and down his spine and neck. How he wished to grab you by the back of your head and drive his cock down your throat without mercy.

Snarling in the back of his throat, suddenly fueled by the image of fucking you, the thought of you on your knees, tears built in your bright eyes and tears rolling down your cheeks feeding him. And as if you knew what he wanted, Shouto's knees near bucked out when your mouth took him in even further, the soft choking noise, the feeling of his cock pressing against the back of your throat sending his fingers digging into the wall.

He drilled in faster, grateful for your ability to keep up, the feeling of his cock pressing down the back of your throat sending his jaw flying open, curses and praises spilling past his lips with every inch you took him further down your throat. The area of his cock unable to be taken in your mouth was surrounded by your fingers — by god, what fucking fingers you had — warm and robust, they held his skin, sliding effortlessly against the spit lubricated skin.

"You can hear me right, whore?" Shouto growled against the wall, the hot air of his breath almost fogging the area he was standing in. Somehow, he heard the choked noise of agreement, the bobbing head vigorously nodding, sending you into a sputtering choke from the awkward angle. But Shouto liked hearing you choke, liked hearing the needy tone in your whining agreement, and he swore he was feeling his heartbeat in his balls. "You're not here entirely on your own will, are you? Came here for money, to suck some rich mans' cock?" His hips stammered when you sucked your cheeks in around his length, his eyes rolling in the break of his concentration, his blood pumping in his hormone pumped euphoria. "I want you to fucking choke on my cock, you hear that? Take me all the way in, don't be scared, I know you probably don't see much cock, but I promise if you can handle me, you'll never want other cock, slut. Take me all, and I promise you, you won't regret it."

A hiccuped breath came from your side of the wall, and Shouto almost wanted to simply burn the wall down to claim you for all his need and glory, someone with a mouth as gifted as yours definitely needed to be fucked correctly. Still, his hips reigned down, slamming against the wall so that the thuds of his impeding hips were heard softly in the other areas. 

And you? Behind the wall?

He could feel the weight of your head pressing forward, the feeling of his length sliding further and further down your throat. The pulsing of his cock ridiculously stilled with the restrained muscles of your throat, and the almost excessive drool and spit that dripped from his length with your choking movements.

More, he wanted more, he needed more.

"Fuck, slut, you're taking me so fucking well. You almost have me entirely in your mouth," Shouto growled, an inch or so of his cock still not entirely in your mouth, but not letting your tight fist work his cock. "Don't give up, take me all, I know a whore like you who shows up to be a sex slave can take my cock."

A whine (was that a horny or a frustrated whine?) emitted from the wall, and with a strained noise, Shouto felt your wet, hot lips make contact with the base of his cock as he continued to drill into you. Spluttering groans poured from his throat, the feeling of your hot cavern and resisting throat, sending him over the edge.

"Yes," Shouto gasped, the smell of sex, electricity, and barely burning walls simmering in his nose. "Fuck, yes, just like that."

Shouto could feel his nerves being shot out, the feeling of the compliant mouth keeping him pumping into the hole, his fingers digging further and further into the wall into it cracked and crumbled, his grip trying to keep his shaking legs from giving out, to break through the wall to get to you. He was almost there, so close, but needed to get over the hill. And then Shouto was swallowed completely when his slamming his stopped, he could feel your lip press to his skin hidden by the hole. He had no doubt that it must have been sorely uncomfortable for you, yet you were doing it to the point where he was fumbling for words, fumbling to keep his head on straight as your tongue wrapped around his cock, massaging the skin. Fuck, fuck, "Fuck!"

His head dropped back with the shooting electricity in his blood, sweat dripping from his temple and you, the stranger behind the wall, gave one vicious, strong suck, your mouth only surrounding the head of his cock, your wet tongue flicking the slit on his head, and he was spilling over.

Hot, thick, heavy ropes of white cum spurted from his cock and Shouto shuddered, his shaking breath echoing in his ears, and he could still feel your tongue moving, coaxing out the finality of his orgasm, teeth scraping against his sensitive cock just enough to have him seeing stars.

But the giggle that erupted in your throat was well noticed by Shouto, and he grunted in slight annoyance. Pulling away, a soft, almost unwanted pop echoed on the other side of the wall.

Shouto watched as his spit and cum covered cock pulled back to his side of the wall, and he grunted unwillingly. His forehead still rested against the wall, and he looked up to his left side with a disgruntled noise to see that he did, in fact, scorch his fingertips into the wall.

As he tucked himself back into his underwear and slacks, Shouto's blissed-out eyes fell onto the hole where your hand was perched out of it, your pinky the only finger visible.

"Pinky promise you'll come back later?" your raspy voice asked, and Shouto wondered if that was how you usually sounded or if it was from what happened.

"As long as you promise to do something like that again," Shouto smirked, his pink taking yours anyways.

He could promise that to the hole in the wall.

Shouto slips out the door and is immediately greeted with a bummed out Kaminari and a profusely apologizing Kirishima. He later finds out that Kaminari let out yet another round of voltage of electricity (he's banned from fucking anyone that can't absorb his quirk without damaging themselves), and that Kirishima in his blissed-out state accidentally went into his unbreakable mode and tore a hole into the wall. Shouto didn't bother telling them of the scorched walls and left with his friends.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆

It only felt like a few minutes before Shouto found himself outside the same closed door of the room with gloryholes. The alcohol had long since been burned from his system, he is practically positive that you managed to suck it out from his bloodstream.

For the past two hours, he had been around the mansion, aiding Kirishima in his objective to keep Kaminari from accidentally killing a sexual partner. It had been for the best, Shouto believed. He was no prude and definitely didn't hate indulging in the occasional orgies - especially at parties like this. But for some reason, as strangers attempted to shed him from his clothes, lips, and fingers roaming his scarred, heated skin, he thought of you and only you.

Your tantalizing mouth and fingers.

He had exited the orgy room faster than All Might at his peak. 

He was strangely obsessed with a stranger, a person who was no more than someone past a hole in the wall. Who knew if your picture was what you looked like, but he sure hoped it was.

But when Mina had appeared out of nowhere, her perfectly manicured fingers pressing against Kirishima's chest as she emerged from behind him. She was, obviously, one of the few easily discernable members of the cult. 

"So, the crown prince does not know how to use his dick, and I am disappointed in men all over again!" Mina pouted, but her usual sly grin was back on her face before Shouto could ask if she needed help scouting potential 'dick appointments' as she so fondly calls them.

This was where things got strange in that Kirishima pointed out that Mina should just fuck a woman to teach men how to fuck women properly. Kaminari filled Shouto in with a horribly done stage whisper that the two of them had fucked before and that despite the experience of any man, Mina was never truly satisfied. 

"Alright, student Kirishima," Mina had thrust her finger into Kirishima's chest. "Follow me to the hole-y wall and watch the master do her job!"

Once more, Shouto was outside the door, the woman seemingly materialized from thin air in her same powder blue ava tea party dress and ruby red smile. 

"Welcome back! For four patrons this time?" the woman gleefully smiled, her gloved fingers clasping below her chin.

"For one, actually," Mina spoke up first, "I'm teaching these boys—"

"I've actually never had a problem," Shouto spoke up, his calm and collected gaze unwaveringly met the hostess despite the chilling horror and embarrassment of his words that crawled up his spine. At the same time, Mina looked up him and down with a small, small smirk. "I'll be taking a spot."

"Ho ho, well, excuse me," Mina giggled, turning back to the hostess with a brightness to her stance. "Two spots then. I have boys to teach!"

"Of course!" the hostess spoke unaffectedly by the group's dynamics. "Please enjoy yourselves! This part is a special treat for you lovely patrons, don't forget to be mindful of our poor angels stuck in the wall!"

The door opened, and in the group of four walked in.

If Shouto had been taken by surprise the first time, he was beyond belief the second time he entered this same room. His first time coming, there had only been those beautiful glory holes, but this time? There were no material holes.

Where the holes used to be, there were only large holes where the person assigned to the area was now presented to the public.

Asses curved to the sky, asses pointed to the ground. Cocks leaking, limp, and red with overstimulation, cunts soaked, throbbing, and swollen with overuse. It was indeed as if these individuals had been stuck in a wall, and Shouto already felt his cock twitch in his carnal lust and need to see just how you were positioned. How he prayed that you were at your spot, laying on your stomach, ass hanging out to the world waiting for his cock to claim you, waiting for him to ruin you. He wanted to feel your liquid lust drip from your cunt, splashing and trailing down your inner thigh.

Shouto didn't bother saying goodbye to his friends, the smell of sex, and his own lust switching his brain onto a one-track mindset with the growing need to get to you immediately. 

And almost to his raging hormonal anger, he came to the aisle where you were parked, and while his heart hammered with the growing pleasure to see your ass hanging in the air, your thighs pressed to the wall, his vision turned red at the sight of some no-named man rutting his ugly cock between your dry folds.

In no time flat, Shouto was behind the man, his hand fisting into the collar of the man's shirt and tearing him away from him.

"Mine." he all but growled, his aura darkening while he glared at the red-faced idiot who attempted to cover himself up in the act of running away.

It didn't matter that what Shouto did was probably entirely rude and could result in him getting thrown out, you were his, and no way was someone going to fuck you when he was there. The weirded out gazes that fell upon him temporarily did nothing to Shouto, his focus back onto your squirming bottom, no doubt weirded out by the sudden lack of contact.

But with a sigh, his fingers combing the few falling free strands of hair out of his face, Shouto stood centimeters from your shifting thighs, watching you continue squirming until he finally moved. His hands pressed against your supple, smooth ass, enjoying the way you fit against his hands perfectly. 

He stepped forward, allowing the bulge of his strained cock to press against the top of your ass — the perfect height for him. Shouto leaned forward, his forehead once more pressing against the cold wall, his eyes taking in the still visible scorch marks he had left behind and chuckled deep in his throat.

"I'm back, my precious whore, I bet you missed me," Shouto spoke through the wall, hoping that you would respond back to him. He thought he could hear an agreeing sound on the other side of the wall, another layer of muffled, and he wondered if maybe you had been gagged. The thought made him exhale slowly, his hips strained from rutting against you, but against his belief, your ass ground against his hardening cock, sending waves of pleasure through him. "You did miss me, huh?"

His calloused fingers moved from your supple ass to the outsides of your thighs, feather-soft touches skimming your skin, leaving behind trails of goosebumps and twitching nerves. Shouto's gaze remained hard on your body, watching how you completely stilled when he found his fingers against the inner part of your thigh and just shy of the excessive heat that was radiating from your cunt.

And he leaned down, his lips pressing against the curve of your ass, his eyes partially hooded when he felt you relax against his hold. But the relaxed position you held quickly erased the moment his teeth sunk into your skin, and his finger pressed against your swollen clit. 

Immediately, your body arched, a weak attempt to buck out of his hold while he heard a muffled cry from the other end of the wall. But Shouto was a hero, he was some with extreme control over his body, and as his tongue moved to soothe your throbbing ass, one finger continued to delicately dance against your clit, while the other shifted over to your softly beating cunt. 

Shouto groaned against your skin, his pants feeling too tight, the material of his underwear too hot and stiff for how strained his cock was right now, yet it was nothing to the feeling of your tight, wet, hot cunt. In and out, he pumped his finger, curling the long digit against your puffy spongey walls, the thumb on your clit circulating in slow, intentional figure-eights until you were pathetically rising and falling against his finger, a garbled whine for more barely audible through the wall. He chuckled at the feeling of your inner walls forcible clenching against his intruding finger, and he rewarded you with a second finger.

"Doesn't this feel good?" Shouto groaned, his body straightening back up so that he was flushed against your ass, his forehead resting on the wall, and his now free hand slowly grinding your ass against his crotch.

He watched you with the intensity of a predator stalking their prey, his mouth twitching into a smirk when your toes curled with a sudden drag of his fingers over a ribbed area of your core. Growling in need, Shouto's hips slammed into you, mindlessly fucking you even with his clothes on. His fingers doubled in speed and intensity until the rapid clenching of your walls was unignorable around his fingers.

His forearms ached slightly with his continued fingering, his thumb almost stiff as he continued to assault your clit, but with the arching of your back, the stuttering of your hips as an impeding orgasm was growing bigger and stronger. Shouto barely registered the sight of his own hand rising and falling heavily onto your ass, the sound of the spank echoing loudly, but that had pushed you over the edge.

A loud mewl sounded from the wall, your legs trembling entirely uncontrollably against Shouto, who still drove his hard crotch into your soaked cunt. He didn't care if you were to wet the expensive suit, his mind now solely on the fact that he needs to claim you, needs to sink his cock all the way in, and make sure you were bruised for days to come. 

Wasting no time, Shouto sheds off his pants and his underwear, letting them fall to the floor with a soft thud before aligning his already hard and swollen cock head to your clenching, sopping cunt. Shouto nearly shivers as he grips his fingers into your ass, his eyes mesmerized with how your flesh molds to his grasp, moving and shifting accordingly. With only a moan as a warning, Shouto wasted no time in pressing his cock to your cunt, and thrusting in with a single, sharp thrust.

If he had thought your cunt was tight with just your fingers, if he had thought the instance where you had vacuumed your mouth while sucking him off was tight, he was in a world of surprises when he came through from entering you. Your cunt was hot and oh so fucking tight around him, milking him dry of all and any precum that he had gathered at his swollen slit. Your inner walls flutter around him, intensely and quickly trying to adjust to the monstrous thickness that he was, and he could hear the pained panting pleasure of you through the wall, and he almost lost it at the keen whine on your tongue.

He shifted, moving his hips just so slight as to regain what little sanity he had left to ensure that you were thoroughly and roughly fucked. 

"Fuck," Shouto moaned, his fingers digging bruises into your skin, his skin feeling sticky and sweaty as he felt you continue trembling beneath him. "For a fucking whore, you have a really tight cunt. I bet you wished I had used fucking lube, huh?"

Shouto took a tentative thrust into you, his legs quivering at the feeling of the way your cunt gripped his cock, making it almost impossible for him to move as he did. "Should've made your pussy wetter then," he spoke in a near whisper to the wall, unsure if you had heard him as he began his conquest in fucking you.

With his fingers gripping your hips, he enjoys the way you bruise against his hold, almost as much as he enjoys the way the wall rocks with every slam of his brutal hips.

The sounds of his cock slamming into your sopping cunt send loud, wet noises ringing in his ears, sending a few other nearby patrons to turn their heads to look at him - to look at him in his conquest of claiming you as his. It only fueled him on, and he picked up his pace until there was a medley of sounds: his thighs crashing against your ass, the squelching of your wet cunt against his thick cock, and your thighs slapping the wall. 

Shouto growled at the feeling of your cunt stretching for him, the tremble of your legs, the way your feet twisted and curled against his knees, almost as if in a silent beg to get him impossibly closer, to make him fuck you impossibly faster, harder. 

His gorging fingers break your skin, and Shouto delights in the painful, garbled scream from your side of the wall. Your body is weak against him, yet he can still feel your hips jutting against his rutting hips, your body desperately trying to keep up with his insane speed and lust.

And when his hand presses to your lower back and the other right above your crotch so that he can raise you higher, the new angle of penetration sends Shouto fumbling for strength. It's then he can feel the head of his cock pressing against your cervix, your toes digging into his skin as he continues to pound away at your cervix, and he takes the rolling shrieks and moans from your mouth like a good thing. 

"Such a good fucking whore, I never found many of you who enjoyed when I literally rearranged their guts," Shouto huffed, his fingers tweaking and yanking at your clit until you were shaking in his arms. "You're enjoying this so much, I bet you wanted this the entire time after I left, didn't you? You wanted my cock in your pussy, I wanted to have my seed pumped into you until everyone knows that you're mine. You'd look so pretty pregnant with my babies, your stomach swollen, and your tits just fucking leaking milk for our children, huh?"

It's then that your cunt around his cock becomes a vice grip, and Shouto shudders at the feeling of your orgasm rocking through you, your pathetic keens barely audible in his blood rushing ears. And he continues, Shouto could feel the familiar sensation of his nerves being shot out, the feeling of your cunt desperately trying to milk him of his seed and worth as you grew limper in his arms, his fingers raking raised lines against your ass, forever marking himself against you, his grip trying to keep his shaking legs from giving out, his mind solidifying over the need to somehow appear where you were now so he could fuck you with no restraint. He thought of your crossed eye gaze, the possible spit pouring from your mouth as you took his every drop of seed greedily into your cunt. He imagined seeing your eyes spilling with tears, seeing your fingers rip into the fabric as he fucked you with no restraint, and with his imagination, he lost himself.

Shouto continued to blindly ram his cock into your cunt, a savage, insane last attempt to spill himself into you, fumbling to keep his head on straight as your cunt pathetically clenched against his hammering cock, finally sending his left hand to the wall, fire bursting from his palm as finally his orgasm tears through him. Shit, shit, "Shit!"

Shouto's temples are damp with sweat, and his vision swims with his overwhelming desire for you and the need to get to your room without destroying the wall to completion.

He picks up his pants and underwear, quickly fixing himself up so that he's almost remorse in the way that he can't appreciate watching his cum spill from your cunt, but the lack of you on his cock is enough to have him zipping up his pants and racing to where the hostess appears.

She doesn't stand a chance when both fire and ice bite against her neck.

"How do I get into the rooms?"

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After being caught flirting with whoever you had pinky promised, you had been gagged. It wasn't a bad thing per se, that man had been the last person to visit you when the room was still functioning as glory holes. With the new stuck in the wall theme, it only invited men and women to be aggressive, and a part of you guiltily and ashamedly enjoyed how rough they would get in there attempt to hear you against the gag.

But you couldn't help the flutter in your cunt and in your heart when the familiar voice of the pinky promise man sounded through the wall. Right now, however, your body felt wholly and thoroughly used. Every inch of your asscheeks and cunt was abused, but the orgasm that came with his fucking was otherwordly. 

There was still nothing to prevent the shameful clog in your throat when he abandoned you after a single orgasm, but then again, you didn't expect the door to your cubicle to be thrown open, and a man stood there with a black kitsune mask. You wondered who it was, but there was the distinctive, infamous red and split white hair behind the cover, and you whimpered at the sudden shame at being caught like this by a Pro Hero you absolutely adored. 

The mask was torn from his face, the door closing behind him, and you were ripped back into the tight cubicle, pressed flush against his chest as he sealed off the hole with his ice. You were speechless as his obviously hard cock pressed against your diaphragm, and you trembled upon hearing the zipper of his pants coming down.

And the voice of one Todoroki Shouto sent shivers down your spine, reigniting the flame in your cunt.

"I got to fuck your mouth and your cunt through other people's rules, I think it's about time I get to fuck you however I see fit."

[saphirered]

Hi! If you’re taking requests could you write a Mollymauk x Reader where they’re really close friends and he calls her a bunch of cute nicknames but then Molly notices that she starts getting really dejected or just leaves when he starts talking to new people and she ends up confessing that it’s because she’s fallen for him and doesn’t like to be around when he’s calling other random strangers “darling” and “love”? Thank you!!!

Hope you enjoy! 😘

-

When you were walking down the streets in search for a place to stay the night Molly had pulled you along by your arm wrapping it around his, proudly parading around like he usually does, the Nein following his lead, some of them definitely not keeping their opinions to themselves watching you two go. Of course these comments are simply met with a laugh and a kiss to your temple, words whispered in your ear to make you blush. The red creeping up your cheeks as you shoot a glance backwards are usually enough to make those comments from Beau at least to stop. Jester, the hopeless romantic she is will just squeal and take out here sketchbook to capture this moment in detail.

Inn found, the place is nice and cozy but also a bit more pricy than the group had hoped. That’s an easy task for Mollymauk Tealeaf to fix. He lets go of your arm when you reach the bar, the others behind and leans on the counter top on his elbows biting his tongue and giving an innocent half smile letting the pointed canines show in all their glory as he bats his eyelashes.

“Are you sure you can’t give us a special deal? We’re taking four rooms already. Some of us will already share but I don’t particularly enjoy sleeping on the floor. Do you think you’d have a better offer, handsome.” Molly winks at the barkeep who, admittedly isn’t bad on the eyes is also taken aback by the tiefling’s blatant advances. So much so he stutters on offering a decent discount as Molly reaches out brushing his hand over the exposed lower arm of the barkeep who’s more bothered by being seen by his other patrons than the tiefling’s gestures. Molly’s enjoying every second of this as is clear by the attitude he carries, the grin on his face and the mischievous look in his eyes and he’s so caught up in his act he doesn’t notice you excuse yourself taking one of the keys and rushing off to one of the rooms.

“You’re a darling. Thank you so much for your generosity.” That’s the last you hear as you watch Molly lean in over the bar a little closer and the barkeep blushes wildly. With a shake of your head and boiling blood you walk up the stairs, enter the room and slam the door closed behind you dropping yourself onto the bed face buried into the pillow and let out a scream of frustration to be muffled by the the pillow.

It takes a good fifteen minutes of Molly flirting with the barkeep to also get a discount on meals and drinks for the night. He’d gladly sacrifice his time, not only because they’re running short on money and need the coin but also because he generally likes to mess with people and it was so easy. He had the barkeep a stuttering mess in seconds. That’s something to be proud of isn’t it? Either way he prides himself for it. Nevermind, the others are settled at a table, drinks poured but one’s missing. You’re missing. Where did you go? Molly looks around the tavern but doesn’t see you. He doesn’t miss a beat sending a wink to the barkeep when they make eye contact but returns his attention to the Nein.

“The pretty one, where did she go?” Molly asks.

“I’m right here Molly. Or am I not pretty enough for you?” Beau snorts slamming back her drink. She knows fully well he means you and she won’t miss an opportunity to tease the tiefling now she’s got ammo. She’ll play this game any day.

“The annoying one, that’s what you are.” Molly replies as Beau sticks out her tongue and takes the drink Jester slipped to her for seconds. Two drinks right after arrival? That does not bode well for the night… for Beau. He, however will have plenty of entertainment provided by the monk once she starts a drunken bar fight. At least they won’t be the ones getting kicked out. He’s got that barkeep in his pocket.

“Fuck you too, Mollymauk.” Beau grumbles into her tankard.

“I think she went upstairs to settle in but she’s not come back yet. Should we save her a drink?” Jester speaks as she holds back a unclaimed tankard from Nott the Brave who’s already done with her own.

“That’s alright. Thank you, Jester, for providing a useful answer to my previous question.” Beau shakes her head at Molly’s words but holds her tongue as Jester allows Nott to take the remaining tankard and before Beau can claim his, he slides it across the table over to Nott who defends it like there’s no tomorrow. Beau flips him off as he goes upstairs with a laugh.

Opening the door to your room without knocking Mollymauk sees you face down on the bed, belongings discarded at the foot of the bed. For a moment he considers you might just have tossed yourself onto the bed and allowed the exhaustion of the journey to overtake you but your breathing doesn’t match that of your sleeping form. Molly sneaks up to the foot of the bed and wraps an arm around your ankle yanking it. He’s met with a yelp and before he knows it he’s struck in the face with a pillow. When it drops to the floor he sees you sitting up arms crossed. You’re not as amused as he is with his antics. Weird. Usually you’d have laughed or retaliated with a witty remark before you both would be laughing. Now you’re glaring at him.

“What’s got you in such a foul mood, darling?” He asks as clearly you’re not just going to reveal the answer of your own volition because you felt like it. You bite your tongue holding back a comment so instead he sits next to you on the edge of the bed, facing you arm leaning on your raised knees and for just a moment your expression softens. Okay, so you’re not angry at him for something. That’s good. At least he knows he won’t be at the receiving end of your wrath.

“Nothing.” You mutter. Why is hit when his stupid face walks into the room you just forget why you were upset in the first place. Well, you know why but the feelings still disappears, that little voice in the back of your head saying it’s a stupid reason anyway.

“Clearly it’s something, love. You know you can tell me anything, right?” Molly doesn’t feel the need to tease or even try to do something, anything to lift your spirits or make you laugh. This isn’t something that’s simply laughed off. This is something that needs words first.

“I know.” You nod but you don’t move to say anything and just let yourself fall backwards onto the bed wiping your face letting out a disgruntled sigh. You still keep your knees raised providing the support for Molly’s current position and look up at him. The jovial and smug attitude is gone and replaced by one of calm and a hint of worry. He pats your thigh waiting, giving you a moment to seek for the right words or response, anything really.

“It’s stupid. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over myself.” You offer him a weak smile but Molly doesn’t buy it. You don’t have him convinced for a second and you know you don’t when he gives you a look pressing you to be truthful. Stupid stupid stupid. Why did he have to have such a hold over you? Stupid feelings.

“It’s not stupid to me and I do worry.” It’s very few times Molly drops the act and allows his words to sound like the most genuine thing in the world. There’s no attempt of persuasion, or sweet-talking. There’s no blunt honesty but a careful one, approaching this as if you’re slipping through his fingers like sand. So that’s here you can’t stop yourself from clinging onto whatever you had. Better rip the bandaid off quickly and maybe he’ll let you down gently.

“I like you. I like you a lot. And whenever you’re flirting with strangers you come across like you do with me I just feel like I’m nothing more than a stranger to you.” Molly takes in your words and his expression remains gentle to the point where you can’t gleam anything but that off it. There’s no response like you expected. No surprise or discontent. You’d hoped he wouldn’t have laughed at you and at least he didn’t but you don’t know if you’re happier with the gentle smile he offers you as it literally doesn’t steer you in any direction. It just leaves you waiting.

Mollymauk’s not surprised by your words. He had suspected for a while but it’s not his place to assume. Sure when the attraction is only physical and never intended to be something of the longer term, it’s easy and fun to mess around with but you weren’t just physically attracted nor was this the short term kind of thing when it came to your feelings as these develop over time, not in a brief moment. So he dared not assume. It’s risky territory for him as he’s had few lasting long term relationships, even less so the ones build on genuine mutual feelings. He’s in no way uncomfortable with your feelings, or his own for that matter but he’s more careful because he’s pretty sure he’d have more success navigating a journey across thin ice, or a death drop below.

“Just say something. Do anything. Please. I can’t bear the silence.” You beg as Molly realises he might have zoned out a little longer than he intended to but when it takes him even longer to shake himself out of it you let your knees drop and making him lose his balance and fall upon your legs. That’s enough to snap him out of it.

“Very funny, love.” He deadpans as he sits back up again, releasing your legs allowing you to do the same and hug your knees leaning your cheek on top of it. Anticipation is clear within your eyes as he hasn’t given you any reaction to your confession just yet.

“Do anything you said?” The unreadable expression returns but his fingers slip beneath your face and gently lift it up. You await his next move not daring to hope where this is going and not moving beyond where Molly guided you to. He looks you in the eyes searching for any hesitation or move to back away but when you don’t offer him one beyond the anticipation he leans in pressing his lips to yours.

“You could never be a stranger. And I don’t know what I’ve done to lead you to believe so but take my word when I tell you I promise you I’ll spend every day of my life reminding you you’ll never be a stranger to me.” Molly’s words hit home and you know he’s someone who lives in the moment but you also know this is real and his words are genuine.

“Now if that means, you want me to stop flirting with barkeeps, and merchants to get some hefty discounts I will, for your sake.” He grins pecking your lips once more

“I’m pretty sure the others will kill me if you do. So best not?” You smile. Molly chuckles. Strangely, that’s all you needed to hear. Maybe your jealousy wasn’t stemmed from the tiefling’s blatant flirting with everyone and everything because you’ve always known Molly to be a flirt, even long before your feelings for him developed. It was just your own insecurities and doubts getting in your way and those were severely discredited by Molly’s words; ‘you’ll never be a stranger to me.’

“Best not then. That barkeep is a handsome one. Could be fun, darling?” Molly taps his chin as if considering and you slap his shoulder. You know he’s just teasing you so when he grabs the hand that hit at him you grab the pillow near your legs and smack him with it. Before you can swing a second time, the two of you giggling like idiots, Molly grabs the pillow throwing it behind you at the head of the bed and uses your held hand to pull you into a deep kiss.

The door swings open and in comes Beauregard, her backpack slung over her shoulder, staff in hand and just groans loudly at the kissing pair on one of the beds. She rolls her eyes disgruntled.

“Fjord! We’re gonna be roommates! Don’t fight me on this!” Beau shouts as she slams the door closed and goes over to a different room to drop her things. Fuck, she needs another drink. Despite everything she can’t fight the smile from slipping onto her lips. She’d known it was a long time coming but you finally having gotten over yourselves and having found some happiness brought her that smile to her face. Not like she’d ever admit it. And now she’s just gotten another thing to tease Molly about. She can already feel the comebacks and witty remarks form in her mind. Prepare yourself Tealeaf.

[becomingbts]

Time heals (sometimes) - Teaser 1

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the burning spotlights and the applause and the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she believed to be broken.

Pairings: Y/N x OT7

GENRE: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series.

Ask or comment to be tagged!

Warnings: The series is going to be heavy with a lot of personal experiences mixed into the fiction, so this is going to be kind of therapeutic for me. Please, consider not reading the series if you are not comfortable with: abandonment issues, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm (not descriptive and only part of MC’s past), suicide thoughts (in the past), toxic behavior, toxic and abusive relationship (in the past), depreciating self-talk and low self-esteem, a lot of curse, physical and mental pain, near death experience situation (in the past), and maybe smut scenes (happy ending though, but it will probably be quite the ride).

NOTE: I was thinking of “Moonchild” and for some reasons, some memories I’d prefer to have forgotten came back to my mind and instead of making a full-blown panic attack like I used to, I thought that it would make a great plot if I mingled that with a soulmate and idol verse and that’s how I started going into it. This is going to be loaded with personal experiences, even if they’ll probably be a bit differently explained compared to what I experienced. Despite the heavy themes and many warnings, I hope you guys will like it. I think I really needed to write it. It will be a semisocial media AU!, because I like the idea of being to write some of their conversations through texts. However, I do plan on fully writing most of it. Though, you’ll have some updates about their social medias as I will update their profiles soon after you see this. I will probably mix a lot of different media for this story such as songs written and produced by myself. I’ll upload for real MC’s EP. So expect a lot for this story. Please take well care, feedback is always very warmly welcomed, it helps me to write for real. If you need to talk to someone, my dms are always opened and if you really don’t feel well, please call urgency numbers.

Thank you for reading,

-Dolly

"And we will close our night show with the most awaited segment! The audience jumped during the commercial break, it's amazing how many people just joined us! Welcome to our interview segment and especially, welcome and thank you so much for being with us Moon!”

"Of course, thank you for having me on your radio show." 

"Thank you for coming! I have to mention that this is your very first interview with another media than your usual personal platforms like Vlive, YouTube, or Instagram, so we are honored to be the first ones to greet you! Do you plan on making more activities outside your personal schedule for the promotion of your new album?" 

"If I may be honest, not really. I'm the most comfortable in my own safe zone and I tend to try not to get out of it too often. It might close some doors to me but I'm comfortable with my fans that way. However, I often listen to this radio show and a lot of my fans were enthusiastic about that so I thought: why not."

"Ah, thank you so much, it means a lot! Your fans are indeed a strong community and they support you whether you go to TV shows or not. Besides, you've been a very active artist on social media and your whole career started on YouTube and SoundCloud before you signed to your current agency. We have to congratulate you on your journey! It's barely been two years but here you are, with your second EP 'People'! Congratulations on the release!" 

"Thank you very much."

“For our listeners who might not know who Moon is, I’m going to introduce her to you: Moon, your real name is (Y/N), you were born on August 4th, 1998, Incheon and your mother was American so you pursued your studies in America. You have been taking online classes since the start of your career at the HULT, university of Florida, and even recently got your Business Bachelor, now aiming for a Ph.D. You started your journey on Youtube, uploading covers and vlogs until you finally started producing your own songs, releasing them on Soundcloud. You started gaining a lot of followers; thus, you started on other social media such as Twitter or Instagram. One year ago, you release your first EP called ‘BALANCE’  which is the reason why the music label BigHit reached to you and asked you if you wanted to sign with them. Did I get everything right?”

“You are. It feels like you know my life better than I do.”

"Ah not at all, but thank you, I am glad that I didn’t say something wrong! Would you mind sharing the concept of this EP? Many of your fans probably already know but maybe some of our daily listeners might not!" 

"Of course. As you said, 'People' is my second EP, yet the first to be studio recorded. Signing with BigHit is a big step in my career and it created a lot of changes, hence I decided to focus on the people I have met, stayed with, became close to, or detached myself from… This is dedicated to the people who changed my life, whether they intended to or not. It could be interpreted as my social life diary in a way." 

"I see, many of your fans have said that the album held a very distinct duality, with a bright and a much darker side that made quite the storm on social media. ‘Y/N our Moon’ and ‘MOONISBACK’ trended for a few nights on Twitter. Do you have anything you'd like to say about that?" 

"I guess it was a surprise because this mini-album is really raw and uncensored. I didn't try to sugarcoat it nor to romanticize my experiences. I hope it brings comfort to people who haven't been feeling well. Because I think that it’s always easy to say that it's going to be okay to someone who’s not feeling well. Everything doesn’t suddenly become okay. And it's fine to be hurting, you can learn to live with this pain and move on while still hoping for better days. There is no end to hopes, and this is why my EP has a brighter side to it. Not everything is always a vast cold ocean. Sometimes, there are small or big waves that come crashing into our universe and they form something that we couldn't have imagined. They bring a little piece of sunshine in life and it helps to move on. So I hope that people who are struggling know that, despite how insignificant I might be, there is a person that understands and can relate to their struggles. I hope it can comfort them, even just slightly, to know that they are not alone." 

"That's a beautiful way to put it."

"Ah, thank you." 

"I have to ask because I'm really curious and I’m definitely not the only one: a lot of your fans have been theorizing about who could your title track ‘TIME’ be about? I have to ask you on the behalf of everyone. Is it okay for me to break the mystery?" 

"Time is a track that shouldn’t have made it to the EP. It’s a bit like a fit of personal anger that I didn’t know I needed to let out.”

“Your anger was definitely heard and understood. People have been curious about the addressee of the song especially because of the line ���maybe it’s time I finally let go of you’. So can you tell us who is it about?” 

“Uh...Time was written for my seven soulmates who rejected me years ago." 

"Seven!?"

"Yeah, it's a lot I know.”

“Is that why you have covered your soul mark with this tattoo on your arm? Netizens talked about it a lot; normally idols tend to cover their arm from the public eyes to avoid for their soulmates’ names to be known, but instead, you were proudly showing your tattooed arm, fully covering what might be under the ink. Many people assumed that it meant that you didn’t have a soulmate at all.” 

“Well, I decided to cover the mark because there was no reason for me to keep it without hurting myself. I decided that I have been hurt enough to let myself take a rest. I didn’t see the point in hiding my arm either, I’m proud of my tattoo, I mean; it’s really a beautiful piece in my opinion. But to answer the assumptions, I don’t consider that I have soulmates anymore, hence why the tattoo as well." 

"This is really a heartbreaking story, it must have been extremely hard. Breaking a soul bond is immensely dangerous, my link with my husband already itches when I spend the day away from him, so seven soul bonds? It must have been terrible." 

"It was, but the most important is where I am now. I'm not lingering on that anymore because they made their choices and I thus made mine. I just hope that they all are healthy and happy where they are." 

"I have to say I'm really impressed (Y/N)-shi, you really have a delicate and caring soul. I probably wouldn't be able to have such soft words about your soulmates had I been in your shoes."

"I think living the actual experience made me reflect on myself a lot. I'm comfortable where I am now, I'm able to do music and make what I love. I have nothing to complain about, I'm surrounded by lovely and supportive fans, I have the best manager I could have ever hoped for and a warm and healthy family. I don't need more on my side." 

"I'm glad you are happy then. Many of your fans have pointed out it's really hard to make you smile and some wonder if you are happy, especially after the release of ‘TIME’, I don’t blame some of your fans for being worried." 

"Ahhh, is smiling the only way to prove that we are happy? I believe my words are usually a bit more impactful than my facial expressions. I have to admit that I don't often smile, it's not a bad thing, at least I don't think so, but I just don't feel the need to smile when I don’t feel like it. Besides, I get shy easily when I expose my emotions too much." 

"It's hard to imagine you being shy but at the same time now that I have you in front of me, our listeners cannot see you, but I definitely feel that you have a very shy and reserved aura despite the energy you give off when you are on stage. It’s not unfriendly either, but you’re just very soft-spoken and quiet in everything you do. Like when you came in, I barely heard you entering at all; you’re just silently making your way without a fuss, it’s really endearing, to be honest."

"Ah... I’ve been told that my stage persona and the ‘me’ in real life were two different entities but I don’t really think it’s true. I'm extremely introverted and it doesn't really mix well with the stage. So I just put it on the side for the people who came to see me and deserve to see more than a 24 years old woman who has troubles speaking without stuttering in front of other people." 

"You stutter when you have to speak in front of other people?" 

"Sometimes it happens when I’m nervous, and I’m very often nervous. Like right now, I’m extremely nervous. But it's something I'm working on." 

"Well it's definitely paying off because I couldn't sense that you were nervous at all, just very calm and soft, but I wouldn’t be able to imagine you being nervous enough to stutter."

"A lot of artists actually have stage fright, most of them just don't want to admit it because it doesn't sound sexy when you tell your fans you're actually shaking before going up there for the show." 

"This is very true, but it's refreshing to hear it from someone who actually lives through that rather than fan theories." 

"That's understandable." 

"Our time is coming to the end, do you have anything you would like to add before we sadly get our mics taken away?" 

"Oh uhm, everyone, my new mini-album 'People' came out very recently and yet it already received a lot of love so I want to thank you for that. This EP was a very personal project and I was worried about how it would be welcomed but you all made me realize that I have nothing to fear because we'll always find someone who can relate to our stories. As long as I can help even one person with my songs, then it's enough for me. Thank you for listening to me and my voice. I hope we'll be able to meet soon. Love you my fans and non-fans as well, please take well care of yourselves in those times. Be careful and stay safe. Wear your mask!" 

“Thank you so much Moon for being with us tonight. Our time was short but I really enjoyed it, I hope our listeners were able to feel that very warm presence of yours through the mic. ‘Give Me A Song’ of Moon’s EP ‘People’ will now be playing and we will see each other tomorrow night with IU for the release of her new album LILAC. Take care!”

Comments or Ask to be tagged!

Uploaded : 08/04/2021

[imagine-your-love-story]

Thank you for encouraging a safe space on Tumblr. It might seem like basic courtesy to leave people be, leave them their comfort and creative freedom, but apparently it's not. As someone who has very questionable self ship poly dynamics, it's.. nice not being scared of seeing "Don't interact if this- dont interact if that" and then in danger of harrassment.

Please keep spreading these vibes of comfort and love - you're a great person whom we need a lot more of in the world wide web

You're very welcome, lovely! :) :) :)

Hoo boy. I have...soooo many thoughts on like....ALL of this. And this post is gonna get LONG because I've opened the can of worms and I'm lettin' it all out :P

The amount of bullying and negativity I've seen in the selfshipping community lately is very painful and disappointing to watch. Tumblr and fandom has always been somewhat of a cesspool but I had hoped that selfshipping was a little better.

I'm not seeing a positive community on a large scale right now.

There are some people who are shining little stars out there of course! But there's more hate being spread around than I can stomach.

I've spent Y E A R S researching and unlearning and pushing back against the psychological and emotional effects of manipulative behaviors like: blame, guilt, shame, and harassment.

I absolutely 100000% believe you can speak to people civilly and state your reasons why you think their behavior is damaging. Without telling them, "You are wrong. You are a bad person." Or otherwise making them feel shitty about themselves.

And I also believe that you CAN allow that person to say, "I don't agree with what you're saying" and you can still have normal interactions with that person without immediately shunning them and labeling them as a terrible person.

People BLOSSOM when they are showered in love, acceptance, and understanding. People are MUCH more willing to listen and heed what you have to say when you give them SPACE to see your point of view (or disagree with you and still accept them).

This culture on social media where people jump STRAIGHT to, "You're a HORRIBLE person because you do something I disagree with!" is, frankly, horrifying and a little disgusting.

Does this mean I condone negative and damaging behaviors?

No. Absolutely not.

But there seems to be this loss of perspective on what is considered "negative and damaging behaviors".

1. It's fiction. Fiction has NEVER been "clean". It's a place of freedom to discuss EVERYTHING.

2. You don't have to feel comfortable with everything being discussed in fiction. I'm not. If I don't like a self-shipper's content because it hits some trigger buttons for me...I don't follow their blog. Because that's my boundary and I have every right to it.

Do I send them messages saying, "You're a toxic person!"

Nope.

Do I comment on their ship that they love and say, "This makes me uncomfortable!"

Nope.

It's not my business.

Also: it’s fiction and there are MUCH bigger problems that require my energy than whether or not I should correct someone’s fictional ship.

Go save the ocean.

Go save the rainforest.

Go save the planet you live and breath on.

Fiction should not be making you angry enough to send hate mail to someone else. Full stop. That should never ever be a priority.

3. Some people engage in selfshipping "negative behaviors" as a way to cope with their trauma. We have no idea what a person has been through and we have no right to tell them that they should stop what they're doing when we do not know where they are on their journey of healing.

It hurts my heart so, so much when I receive messages from selfshippers like you, dear anon, who are TERRIFIED to share their love stories with their characters because they're afraid of being labeled/attacked/harassed by the community.

That's the community letting you down. That should NOT be happening and I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, lovely.

The ENTIRE point of selfshipping was to ESCAPE the people who criticized for shipping yourself with a character that you love. The foundation of selfshipping is that ANYTHING is possible!!! You are limitless!!!

And now people are policing what you can do??? That's...that completely obliterates the point of selfshipping. That's WHY we escaped to our own community!

I don't know if this video is available outside of the U.S., but I highly recommend, the Crappy Childhood Fairy's Youtube video on Cancel Culture. It's a great listen when you're navigating the emotional turmoil of social media culture.

So, if you're still reading after ALL OF THAT :P here are some key points about this blog and my philosophy when it comes to selfshipping:

This blog will always be a judgment free zone

Of course I have opinions! Of course we may disagree on something! But I won't judge you for it. You're allowed to do your own thang! ;)

I will never have a DNI.

If I feel an interaction is crossing into territory that isn't appropriate or acceptable, I'll say so. And if that doesn't work, I'll block and report. But I will never have a DNI on this blog.

Yes, I am an adult. So if minors don't feel comfortable following my blog, it's okay if they don't! I understand!

But I don't have a problem talking with minors because they are human beings and they may need support. I worked in Youth Services at a library for over two years. I know sometimes kids just want someone to talk about cool books and movies with and I'm 100% down for that 24/7 :)

Because this blog is all-ages friendly, I will never post 18+ content because - just like IRL - I make sure that I am mindful of the people around me. I may post some suggestive content that is tagged, but I try not to get too explicit.

I also don’t really think a DNI is necessary for me personally. Of course if I feel threatened by someone, I won’t interact with that person. But if a shipper is into content that I don’t like???? I don’t feel the need to say, “I will never interact with you!” That’s....exhausting. Besides, there are plenty of other things we can chat about! :)

I will always share f/os.

I know some people don't like to share and that's their boundary they can draw if they want to (no shade here!), but I've found that if I don't share, it's a very lonely experience. So I always share and I’m happy to interact if we have the same f/o :)

DMs are always open if you need a shoulder to lean on

If you need to dump or vent or whatever, my DMs will always be open so you can chat! It can feel weird, and maybe you'll feel bad because you won't know what to say!!!

That's okay :)

Even if all you want to do is vent and never reply, I'm happy to listen and offer any words of encouragement and support you need to hear! :)

[juuls]

This was a comment left on chapter 11 of my fem!Tony Stuckony time travel/soulmate fic, Hanging From a Cross of Iron, and I just wanted to put a couple things out there.

First of all, I’m not mad. We’ll make that clear. I’ve received variations of this comment before and it’s rather on the mark. But sometimes both sides can be correct in how they interpret a piece of fiction, and I wanted to show that.

So… yeah. This is something I get every so often on this fic, especially around this chapter (10-12ish) and I just… really wanted to post my reply to it, if for nothing other than explaining the way my brain works and WHY I hate Captain America: Civil War so much for ruining so many good things in fandom.

I’m not putting this out there for sympathy or agreement or to start a fight or stupid shit. It’s more like a… “I’m tired of explaining myself, let me post something I feel is a semi-eloquent response to someone who was at least mostly respectful and got some things right, who I know does represent a fair portion of people who may be interested in reading this fic,” which I could then just point/link to the next time I wake up to things making me sad in my inbox on top of me being sad and feeling guilty at not having written for a while.

Stupid covid. Stupid life being dumb and depressing and draining energy and happiness from many. Just you wait. I’ll be back soon with Codega and this fic, Cross.

But here. This is my reply to the above comment:

So I don’t normally reply to critique such as this because this IS fanfiction, but you are at least part right: it IS supposed to be unfair.

This is me working out my issues with Civil War, because boy that sure as fuck pissed me off. I love Stuckony, but after CACW it was really hard to reconcile that love anymore. So this was my way to do that, and I 100% wanted to bring in the unfairness, the distrust, the favouritism, the… meanness that I saw and felt after that.

It’s also a way for me to work through my issues at the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband—I started writing this shortly after packing my bags and leaving.

I wanted a slow, somewhat realistic, non-fairytale path to even partial redemption, shared pain and circumstances and experiences, and to show that things CAN work out as long as certain lines are not crossed. I skirt the line sometimes, definitely on purpose, but that’s for ME.

I wanted to turn the tables: Steve (and Bucky) were out of their time and comfort zone in the future—Toni, in turn, needed to be out of her time and comfort zone in the past.

Plus, can you imagine a soulmate world where you’ve had a partner and you think “this is it”? Then bam! Suddenly someone’s suddenly thrust into your life.

And I wanted to play on every single issue Toni would have experienced with her family, friends, “friends”, enemies, Obie, her company, the world, etc., post-IM2.

None of them have had an easy go of it and war is goddamn hell. They ALL have PTSD. (But also, lol, the Howlies start laying into Stucky about what you’re getting mad about here too, so I’m way ahead of you!)

From the beginning, this was as much a psychological setting as a romantic one: way more so in the beginning. But it slowly crawls its way out of the murk. I wanted a soulmate story where it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I wanted a story where they had to fight for it… or where they had a choice, shitty as it may be (they’ll NEVER choose not to have Toni, that was never going to happen). I wanted something… realistic, even amidst super soldiers, super tech, an almost unbelievable war, and soulmates existing.

I wanted it to be a fight. I wanted rejection… then them, ALL of them, to choose each other despite that, despite their past, and despite fate.

That is my goal with this fic. And since I take my own sweet time, that’s really not readily apparent so soon in this fic, even at chapter 11.

The love will be there. The unconditional love, the equal triadic love. Not just Stucky plus Toni. Because believe me, Stucky is probably one of my least favourite ships that include some of my favourite characters. Sounds ridiculous since I write them here, but as a historian I wanted to take that, take some realism, with a dash of ridiculous and hurt and pain and anger, and see what I could do with that.

The entire reason this story exists is because of a scene idea I had that doesn’t come about until the future in the 20s chapters. Leaning on each other and trusting each other because one of them was lost. Well, technically, that happens twice.

But the point is: this is a long as fuck story towards a love they have to (and WANT to, eventually) fight tor.

This fic is for me. It’s for people like me. It’s for people who don’t want an easy love story. It’s absolutely okay that you don’t like it! There are SO many fics that I dislike for a variety of reasons, and I simply close it, mark it as Did Not Finish, and don’t return. I recognize not every fic is for me.

This one’s for me. I may have sort of stalled out where I’m at in the 20s chapters, but it’s left at a pretty good place, and I’m looking forward to this dumb pandemic so I can get back to forging this love between these three idiots, as well as pick up an old Star Wars story I left 4+ years ago due to the abuse at the hands of my ex. But I’m ready to return to it now. Well, after the world calms down a little.

It’s okay if you’re done with this story—that is 100% your choice and I will never begrudge you that. I’m glad you gave it a try though! If you’re interested, you could skip ahead and see how the dynamics have changed, or I could give you clips and examples too.

My one wish (though I understand it completely) is that you had not done this on Anon. For a few reasons:

1, I would never hold this opinion against you, especially because you got tons of it right! Go you!

2, I’d love to understand you better and discuss this with you. No recriminations whatsoever.

3, But I do wonder who of those who have read my other writings left me this message. It makes me a little sad, and I will wonder which of the people I talk to have this negative opinion of me now, but that’s also my own past issues rearing their ugly heads. You have every right to remain on Anon, though it’s not so nice when you wake from a nice dream and discover anon ‘dislike’ in your inbox on a work you slaved away on, and that the dislike is specifically about the things you wrote about deliberately, hah. Sorta funny, actually, so I’ll let that one go. xD

Thank you, though, even if I disliked reading this words: it helps me to look at my own work critically and to better understand how to frame and write things going forward.

Not every fic is for everyone, and that’s okay. I’ve encountered mine, you’ve encountered yours, but I think we’ve both learned from this interaction.

Whoever you may be, even if you divulge your handle to me, my respect for you wouldn’t diminish. It’s good to have healthy discussions and to look critically upon your own work—even if I am a sensitive bean and it hurts a little, I’m fine. :P

I think the lesson to be learned here is: fuck everything after CACW!!!! Grrrrr xD

Take care,

Juuls

P.S. I may post parts of this on my Tumblr because I do occasionally encounter similar complaints about this story, and I think maybe this is the most coherent and respectful enough comment-reply response I’ve had on this topic. Thank you.

P.P.S. Happy to talk privately too!

P.P.P.S. And the offer still stands for some lovely clips from future chapters, especially if you’re not considering continuing reading this story anymore; it’ll at least show what I’m talking about and what I’ve been working tirelessly towards. It’s hard—fucking hard—work to get past CACW and still like these characters together (my fic Paper Boats is probably one of my bigger testaments to that, oof) and I admit it’s still really really hard and I struggle with it. Covid isn’t the only reason I’ve sort of stalled out on that. But that’s more because I’m like “now what?” than not seeing any love between these three.

It’s a long journey. I knew it was going to be. But I like a challenge. :)

Take care, be well, stay safe, to you and all of yours.

And may you find many fics you love!

[rosesloveletters]

Hi dear 💌 just wanted to pop in here real' quick. I saw your post about feeling down and hoping that you'd be anyone but you. I just wanted to say that I hope that you know I appreciate you immensely for just being who you are and always being so so good to me. 🥺 You're one of the kindest souls I've ever encountered and I feel so so grateful that our paths have crossed like this 🥺🥺 your blog feels like a safe place where anyone can freely be who they are without judgement 💗

I hope it's okay if I drop some questions here, I love it when you gush about your F/Os: what's a song that reminds you of them? and what's something that people wouldn't guess about them when they first meet them/that only you know? 🥺

excuse me for dropping for Casanova gushing here 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 something people wouldn't guess about him - given he's always on the move and going places - is that Casanova sleeps like the dead. I can't count the times I've woken up at night and haven't fallen back asleep and then I've just had to lay there alone in silence because the man will not budge. He wakes up on his own just fine but I've yet to meet someone else that can wake him up 🥴

a song that reminds me of him: everybody talks by neon trees 🥺

this is also your reminder that you deserve all the good things the world gives you and your F/Os love you very much 💌😌 -Magda xx (sorry this ask turned out so long lol)

MAGDA🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

This was such a sweet message to find here in my inbox, waiting for me🥺 This week has been a thoroughly rough one and I have felt like retreating in on myself and hoping I might cease to exist. This message made things seem a little brighter and I cannot thank you enough for the little bit of kindness which you have extended to me over the past week or so that we’ve been interacting. I try to keep my blog fairly light-hearted and happy (why would I want to come online if it wasn’t happy?) I feel as though I owe it to myself and to others to put on a smile, even and especially when I am anything but jovial. It is an honor to me to know I have achieved that; I value your opinion, darling. I am so happy to know you and you are always, always welcome here on my blog 💗 This is always a judgement-free zone! 

Oh darling, thank you for asking about my F/Os🥺 I haven’t felt quite right with them all week, so that is why I have held off on answering this ask for a bit. Thank you for extending this bit of kindness to me; it means everything that you enjoy hearing about the relationship I have with them and letting me gush.

what's a song that reminds you of them?

There are lots and lots of songs that remind me of my loves. I’ll list a few here, though I will not go into detail as to why they’re special and/or important to our relationship since I can tend to be a little...emotional😅

Faithfully - Journey

Daylight - Taylor Swift

Lover - Taylor Swift

Your Song - Elton John

what's something that people wouldn't guess about them when they first meet them/that only you know?

This is an extremely good question and I absolutely love that you asked it! I might end up listing several that I haven’t spoken about before, since this question made me ponder a bit deeply on my loves’ personalities.

J: 

The only thing about J that is messy or dirty is his hygiene; he is actually extremely clean within his living habits. He does not like his belongings touched/moved/etc. by anyone. He has specific places where he stores things and where he’ll hang his trench coat and those items will not vary from those spots. He likes to know where his belongings are at all times and it bothers him immensely if they’re removed from his assigned locations. 

J loves fruit. He will try any kind of fruit that you’ll put in front of him; he once came home with something called a jackfruit (yes, the name is why he “bought” it.) If you have not ever seen a jackfruit, I suggest a quick Google Search; it is quite the interesting choice, if mainly for the size of it alone. J’s favorite fruit is pineapple (Pat and I have witnessed him eat an entire pineapple at once), but he is not picky and will devour any kind of fruit that he can get his hands on.

J is ambidextrous; he trained himself to be so after leaving the military. He learned that body parts are expendable and how easy it is to lose limbs. He switches from performing tasks with his right hand versus his left quite often so that no one is really aware which was his original dominant hand. Patrick often jokes that J doesn’t even remember which is his dominant hand. 

Pat:

Patrick has an innate fascination with astronomy/space/etc. When he lived in Australia with his mom, he remembered nights when the two of them would go out into their backyard and look at the stars together. (I haven’t ever shared my headcanons for Patrick’s background/early life, so the next few bits might be nonsensical since I haven’t ever shared my thoughts on this.) Before his grandfather left for America, he would take Pat out to the outback and they would climb into the back of his truck and count the constellations and look at the planets through a telescope his grandfather bought. 

Patrick has a pocket watch he carries with him at all times that was gifted to him by his grandfather. His grandpa told Patrick that his grandfather had given it to him when he was a boy and had carried a piece of him around all these years; now, Pat was to carry his own grandfather within that reminder of the pocket watch and so Pat has never let go of it all these years. It brings Pat great comfort to have this physical reminder of his grandpa with him all of the time. 

Patrick is terrified of the dentist and I mean absolutely petrified. It stems from an extremely bad experience that he had whenever he was very young (I won’t go into detail for those who are also afraid; I don’t want to trigger anyone!)

Thank you endlessly for letting me gush like this and share some more personal things from our relationship! I find it extremely fulfilling to delve into these characters more. Oh my goodness, I had no idea Casanova would be such a sound sleeper! It makes sense, given his tendency to a more active lifestyle. It must tire him out to be so adventurous all the time😂 Your relationship with him sounds so wholesome and lovely💗 Thank you for sharing these headcanons with me and that song seems to fit him perfectly! You both are so very sweet and I love hearing about the relationship you share with each other💗💗💗

I hope you are taking care and staying safe! Enjoy the weekend, darling; you deserve nothing but good things💗 (It’s completely fine! Long asks are so much fun to answer!)

[extremelyblackandwhite]

i wanna know what love is - 20

Pairing: rockstar! sebastian stan x writer!reader

Warnings: teasing

A/N: enjoy xx 💕💕

Last Chapter // Next Chapter

Y/N had slept on his shoulder for the whole plane journey and he didn’t dare move, he daren’t wake her up after waking her up this morning. Of course with that came the jokes from his bandmates and snarky remarks from Melody who’d get a snarky look from Mary in return. Luckily, he didn’t have to awake her up once the plane landed as the captain’s announcement did that for him and she was pissed. He couldn’t help it but find it rather cute how she would pout at not being allowed to sleep. 

They all went through security again, got their bags and all met up in a quiet zone of the airport to figure the best way to get into the bus without getting too much attention drawn to them, specially to Y/N who was new to all of this. Luckily, they weren’t and knew exactly how to go without being noticed, they just liked to brainstorm. Y/N knew they probably got a kick out of brainstorming ideas to be unseen. 

     - Y/N can go with one of the security guards to the back. - Michael pointed out but Y/N already knew what she was gonna do, and it wasn’t going to enter the bus again.

    - I think I’ll just get the taxi to the bay and then get a boat to St.Michaels. Gonna see my parents for a while, if that’s alright. 

    - Yeah, that’s alright, Y/N. We have around three days before the gig, so take your time. - Anthony replied, taking his eyes from his phone to look at her while he spoke and returning right back to it. He was probably speaking to his wife. 

    - Right, then I’ll see you guys in three days. - she kissed Sebastian goodbye and turned on her wheel to walk to the taxi area to see if she could hail one and get to her destination in one piece. Sebastian watched her go with a tinge of sadness, something that was greatly noticed by Mary. What could she say? She was a great emotional reader.

    - Do you wanna go with Y/N? - she questioned before they could all leave and go inside the bumpy, hard to sleep in bus until they reached Maryland, where they would once again sleep in the uncomfortable bus. Besides, if Melody was staying in, he was definitely gonna sleep in the coach. - Go on, just don’t sleep with her in her parents’ house. 

   - He’s not really gonna go to her ... - Melody started to complain but her complaint fell on def ears as he had already decided to start sprinting towards the taxi area, hoping she hadn’t caught one yet. Gladly, she had not caught a taxi yet and was seated on the sidewalk waiting for everyone to get one so she could try and hail a cab once again. How did she even survive in NY? Sebastian chuckled before walking over to her and sitting by her side.

   - Seb ... - she turned to see him, a look of worry in her face. - Are you alright? Please tell me you didn’t get kicked out of the band already.

   - Not yet, Mary just suggested I went with you to St.Michaels. 

   - Mary suggested? - she raised her eyebrows at him in pure disbelief. 

   - Yes, it’s a 30 minute journey from Washington to Maryland plus boat journey. You could get kidnapped, lost or worse drown at sea. - he added making her hold in a chuckle as she tried to look serious. - Unless you don’t want me to meet your folks. 

   - Can you hail a taxi? - she asked and he immediately got up on his feet, raising his arm up and as if by magic a taxi stopped. She sure needed to get famous as that was the only explanation as to why he could hail a taxi so easily.

The taxi drive was, to put in the least interesting. Small talk was not her strong suit, however it was Sebastian and he spent the whole half hour making the man question if he really knew him or if he was just going insane. She wanted to scold him for that, but she couldn’t deny it wasn’t funny. They got to the docks on time and she went over to the ticket place to get some passages while Sebastian stared at the boat. He hated boats. He never understood the fixation of famous people with boats, he personally hated them and he hated them even more once he had taken a half an hour journey only to get dumped at the beach along with Y/N in the middle of the most posh collection of beach houses. 

   - Your parents own a house here? - he questioned, following her as she walked through the sand to one of the white houses. - For someone who gets excited at the glitz and glamour, I don’t understand how you don’t get bored. You’re clearly rich. 

   - My family is rich, it’s their money not mine. - she replied. Y/N did indeed live comfortably until her teenage years where she decided to move to NY and from them on she went on surviving with her own money so she didn’t really have many memories from being surrounded with riches except for the holidays. In her mind, the money her parents had were theirs and she didn’t want anything to do with it. She was gonna make it without any monetary help from her family. They finally reached the porch of a big white house that looked straight out of a dream holiday magazine and Sebastian swore he still did not understand why she got interested by the riches of his lifestyle. She knocked on the door, and took to stand next to Sebastian. - Most of my family lives here.

   - Like a beehive? 

   - You could say so. - she chuckled but got interrupted by the door being opened. The woman in front of them had Y/N’s vibrant eyes and Sebastian guessed it was her mother. 

   - Y/N, what a lovely surprise. - Miss Wiley came to hug her daughter, her gaze still stuck on the man next to her. - I thought you were working.

   - I took a little vacation. - she smiled. - Mum, this is Sebastian Stan. The one who got me the tour article. 

   - Pleasure to meet you, I’m Elizabeth Wiley. - she extended her hand for Sebastian to shake which he did. - Please come inside.

Sebastian followed Y/N and her mother into the entrance. It was a very serene with white walls and light blue accents, something he’d expect to see coming into a beach house. It was mind-blowing to him how he could still hear the ocean waves as if he was on the beach. 

   - Who is it, Betty? - a man, probably in his mid 50′s dressed in a plad suit walked into the entrance. - Pumpkin, what are you doing here?

   - She came to give us a little visit. - her mother placed her arms on her shoulder. - Oh and this is Sebastian.

   - Are you her boyfriend? - he was quite blunt, something Sebastian should’ve been expecting from a political reporter but he was still taken aback. 

   - Dad. - Y/N scolded, a light warmth coming to her face.

   - It’s a fair question, pumpkin. 

   - Leave them alone, Harry. - her mother went to stay by his side. - Why don’t you two come into the living room? 

She took them onto the living room where an elderly man was sat down watching a movie Sebastian had briefly seen. His eyes immediately set on him and he felt a cold shudder run through his spine. He was speechless, not sure how to act. 

   - Look dad, Y/N came to visit us. - her mum told the man who got up to look at his granddaughter. - Oh and this is Sebastian, he’s the one who got Y/N the writing job. 

   - You look much more like your mother. - he commented, shaking her granddaughter’s hand which Sebastian found odd but didn’t dare comment considering he was still looking at him like he was the enemy.

   - Right, why don’t you go into the garden and call for your brother, we should be dinning in a bit. I’ll take your bags. - Elizabeth took their bags and disappeared into the hallway and Y/N pushed him through the house and into the back garden. He’d never been so happy to be far away from someone as he was right now. 

They reached the back garden which should really be called a back park in Sebastian’s opinion. He’d never seen a garden so big yet there he was and a bit further away was a man playing squash against a movable plastic wall. He turned his back to see what the rustling noise was and a smile plastered onto his face. He rushed through to the couple, completing ignoring Y/N and shaking Sebastian’s hand.

   - You sir, are a legend. - he said, shaking Sebastian’s hand thus becoming the 3rd man in the Wiley household that he did not know what to reply to. - I have most of your records.

   - Thank you. - was all he could say. 

   - Why, thank you Theseus for noticing me. - Y/N interjected, arms crossed and a playful look on her face. - Sebastian, this fanboy is my brother, Theseus. He often likes to pretend I don’t exist. 

   - Call me Theo. - he replied. Their parents were avid mythological readers so when their firstborn came along, they decided to name him after the mythical king and founder of Athens. He, however, immediately found a nickname to replace it, something Y/N never really decided to call him by. - So, what are you doing here? Sleeping with my sister or something?

   - No, I’d never do that. She’s a respectable woman and I wouldn’t dare ...

   - Chill. - he interrupted. - Save that for granddad. He’s the one who believes Y/N is innocent but I was there when she had a crush on Indiana Jones.

   - Why don’t we go freshen up. - she pushed Sebastian out of the garden before her brother could spill more secrets. She ignored the living room, having noticed how awkward the scene had been with her parents and grandparents. Y/N took the kitchen rout before climbing the stairs up to her bedroom.

Sebastian always had a thing to see other people’s childhood bedroom and Y/N’s was no different. She had a trophy stand which was no surprise for him, a few boyband posters along with some vintage movie posters. The thing he found funnier was the Phantom of the Opera mask hanging from the one of the windows.

  - 1st place at the Spelling Bee? - he lifted a bee shaped trophy from the stand chuckling at it. - Aw bunny, you’re a nerd.

  - Give me that. - she took it from him, placing it back on her shelf. She would be lying if she said she didn’t love her little trophy collection. - I’m really glad you came over.

  - Free time away from them with you ... - he placed his hands on her hand, moving her a bit closer to him. - Sounds like a real good plan for me.

  - Mh ... - she hummed, her hands on top of his. - I’m sorry about my grandpa. He’s a very ... old school man.

  - Elitist, you mean. 

  - He’s still my grandpa, Seb. Besides, I’m sure he’ll love you once he gets to know you.

  - Yes, because you obviously adored me when you first met me. 

  - Well, you did say that you loved when I talked dirty to you.

  - I’d still love if you talked dirty to me. - he placed his chin in the space between her shoulder and her neck, so close she could feel his breathing. Y/N once again got uncomfortable, pushing from him. Sebastian furrowed his eyebrows, putting his fingers against his forehead. - What’s wrong?

  - Nothing’s wrong. - she took her jacket off, hanging it on the two hanger screwed to the door. 

  - No there’s definitely something wrong because whenever I used to make any sex involving jokes you’d normally roll my eyes at me, not act like that. Is everything alright? - he questioned sitting on her twin bed. - You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want you. I just don’t want to hurt you or make you upset.

 - You’re not making me upset. - she sat by his side, hands on top of her legs.

 - Did I do something that annoyed you? You can tell me.

 - Sebastian, I’m a virgin.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Riverdale 5x04 Review

Wow I loved this episode it was really really good. It definitely felt like a fresh start for the show. It was fun seeing the characters as adults and seeing what they have been up to in the last seven years some of their storylines were really heartbreaking and they’ve all had their strugglings but all the storylines caught my attention and I am excited to see them play out. So lets dive in and talk about the episode. The usual disclaimer stands these are just my own thoughts and opinions and of course there are spoilers so the rest is under the cut. 

Archie

So the episode jumps right into the action from the start where we see a dream or rather a nightmare that Archie is having. As predicted poor Archie has PTSD and is struggling with what he went through when at war. What was interesting is the dream gives us some details on what happened to Archie during the time he was in the war zone. It seems like he was part of a mission to rescue a fellow soldier who had fallen behind enemy lines. I am assuming that the soldier in question is Corporal Jackson. It also seems like Archie was definitely a hero in this scenario as his commanding officer says that the men in his unit are alive because of Archie giving the impression that he saved more than just Jackson’s life. It is also obvious that Archie feels alot of guilt about the ones that he couldn’t save. I do want to talk about the dream some more though as another interesting thing is that Archie subconciously melded his two worlds together to give us this surreal scene of a battle and a football game. I do think this dream could be symbolic of what is to come in the season. I could also be reading way too much into it but it is still interesting to explore. For example the first person to fall is Reggie and we see Archie pause and look back calling for him. When Archie arrives back in Riverdale it is to the news that Reggie now works for Hiram. So you could say that he was the first to fall under Hiram’s spell/ manipulation/ power or whatever you want ot call it. We don’t know yet why or how Hiram and Reggie came to be working together. The next person to fall is Jughead but unlike Reggie Jughead talks to Archie. But what he says I think is significant. He says ‘Archie, just a little help.’ I think this could indicate Jughead’s struggle with alcoholism. I do think Archie and Jughead could end up mirroring Fred and FP. When FP was struggling with alcoholism Fred was the one who tried to help him by giving him a job and later he took in Jughead when he found out Juggie was homeless and was willing to give FP a job again. I do think Archie will help Jughead get through these struggles in a similar way that Fred helped FP. However I also think some of this could be a representation of Archie’s guilt about how he betrayed Jughead when he kissed Betty and that maybe he feels some responsibility for the pain Jughead is going through now because of that. 

It is also worth noting that Archie also sees his friends, Veronica, Betty, Cheryl, Kevin, Fangs, Sweet Pea and Pop Tate cheering him on from the sidelines as he tries to rescue Jughead. I do think this will show that while Archie will be the most involved in helping Jughead heal all of their friends are going to surround them with support. We have to remember that Archie himself is struggling and so I think this might indicate how the whole group will support each other. I also think some of it sybolises what kept Archie going whilst he was at war. It was the memory of his friends and his desire to one day see them again. 

The last part of the dream is showing Hiram holding Archie at gun point as he tries to save Jughead and Archie freezing up. To me this scene did remind me a bit of the scene where the black hood holds Archie at gun point in Pop’s also that last gunshot before he wakes up reminded me of that gunshot going off in the season 1 finale when Fred got shot. I think in this moment Archie is confronted with what he fears the most, freezing up right when he is supposed to be saving someone he cares about. I also think its a foreshadow of the war that’s to come between Hiram and Archie. 

Anyway leaving the the dreamworld behind, Archie is told that he is being reassigned to restart the RROTC at Riverdale high. So that means Archie is heading home. He obviously isn’t happy about the orders wanting to head back out to the frontlines but I think he’s probably being reassigned because of his PTSD. This is a bit of a divergent but I couldn’t help but laugh a little when Archie’s soldier friend said Riverdale sounded nice. But Archie gave him his address so it looks like that poor guy will showing up later to discover how wrong that statement was. I am intrigued by his character so am looking forward to seeing him pop back up again in Riverdale.  

Once Archie gets back to Riverdale we get alot of information from Toni about what has been going on in Riverdale since they’ve all be gone. We learn that Hiram is stripping Riverdale’s budget to fund SoDale which caters to the rich. I have to say I’m ok with this storyline. When I saw the interview that Archie and Hiram were going up against each other again I was less than enthusiastic about it. But this makes sense to me, I can see why Hiram would do this and yes I do think it is very in character for Archie want to save Riverdale. Also I think because we know it won’t be just Archie but a whole collection of characters like Toni, Alice, Kevin and the rest of the core four going up against Hiram, it won’t feel too much like a rehash of the same storyline. Also this is a little silly but didn’t anyone else feel like Archie was more upset about the bus stops than he was with the fire station getting burned down. Like when he saw the fire station it was like hmm we should rebuild this but when he saw the bus stops he was all WHerE ArE PeOplE GoiNG To SiT!! I dunno maybe its just me but I found that kinda funny. Of course that did give us some more information, we learnt earlier that the Serpents now drive trucks and Toni says sometimes her trucks use the lonely highway. But they never go at night and that bad things happen at night on that highway. This is interesting because we see that girl at the end, who well its pretty obvious she was killed, get into a truck at night. So this tells us either its not a Serpent because Toni said they don’t travel at night or one of her serpents has gone rogue. 

Archie decides that if they are going to save Riverdale then they need reinforcements and so he calls the core four back. I must admit it was a little sad when he said to Toni could they go and see if any of them showed up because it shows that Archie had doubts whether they would or not. I mean that last scene with the core four to me reminded me of the scene in season 1 when Vee and Bee were sitting together at Pop’s and then Archie and Jughead come in and Betty invites them to join them and its shows them all laughing together, only this one was really sad because they weren’t laughing together in fact the atmosphere was very strained and tense. It was sad to think of that comparison. But that being said I do think it is a testament to their bond that they did all show up when Archie called. I also liked that he said Toni was as much a part of it as anyone, like thank you Archie speak that truth.     

Overall I liked Archie’s storyline this episode. I liked his new friendship with Toni and I hope that continues. I also feel like he has alot more maturity and seems more sure of himself, he seems alot more grounded than before. But whilst I think the Army helped him in many ways it has also led him to alot of trauma and pain. His PTSD I think will be a big part of his arc this season and I hope they do it justice. 

Betty

The next person we are shown is Betty and to be honest I don’t think it was a coincidence that they showed us Betty right after Archie. I think their storylines are very similar. Both have gone through something horrifying and traumatic and both are struggling with PTSD, both have had their seniors give them different roles in their jobs and both of them are struggling with this believing they can be more useful if they could go back to what they were doing before the trauma. It does seem like both of them are denying that they are struggling and are refusing to confront that trauma. I do think that Betty and Archie are going to be going on the same journey this season, I think they will turn to each other for comfort and over time they will encourage the other to face their trauma and heal together. 

We learn from Betty’s therapy sessions that she is still a trainee and also that she messed up on one of her investigations. It seems one of the villians this season is The Trash Bag Killer or TBK as they sometimes refer to them. I’m not going to lie when I first heard the name I half laughed and half rolled my eyes at how ridiculous a name it was. And then I found out why they are called that and that’s just horrifying, like suddenly that name didn’t seem so funny when its because he dismembers bodies and then wraps all the individual pieces up in trash bags. Like that legit freaked me out so I think we might get an actual real stakes scary ass villian this season which will be both terrifying and fun at the same time, I guess seriously though I am going to have nightmares about those trash bags tonight. We also find out that Betty was held captive by TBK for two weeks and that she hasn’t spoken about her captivity to the therapist. Obviously she has deep trauma resulting from that. Also to me Betty rushing in there without any back up is very in line with her character. When doing investigations in Riverdale she never waited for backup and I think this is one of the things she is struggling with adjusting to outside of Riverdale. I think she learned a hard lesson that she has to rely on help sometimes. Similarly to Archie I do think she has alot of survivors guilt she has to work through and is regretting not being able to save people that she feels like she should have saved like Teresa and the other victims of TBK.  

The other thing we learn about Betty is that she seems to be in some kind of relationship with her boss Glen. I legit got so excited when I saw Glen purely because I recognised the actor who played a very sexy werewolf in a show called Bitten that I watched years ago so when I first saw him I was like CLAYTON??!! But once I got over the initial shock I decided I’m not a huge fan of Glen mostly because I didn’t like that comment about Betty’s serial killer brother. I mean he knows Betty has been through some crap and is struggling and he is just casually throwing out the reminder of her brother. Also it does not seem like Betty is all that invested in the relationship which makes me wonder if it isn’t really a commited relationship but more of a FWB kind of thing. I do feel like he wants more with Betty than she is willing to give. Like he was offering for them to get pizza and hang out at his place and she lied about meeting with friends and just went home to her cat which not going to lie relatable (except for me its go home to my puppy dog who is the most loyal man I have ever had in my life). So I am unsure on what their relationship really is as it wasn’t really made that clear. I mean to me he seemed really jealous and insecure when she said she had plans which again makes me lean more towards its a casual thing. We really don’t know anything about them, have they been on dates? Have they been intimate together? How did it start? How long has it been going on? We don’t have answers to any of this. I did see on IMDB that Glen is only listed for this one episode. However the main cast are only listed until episode 7 so I don’t think IMDB have information past episode 7 so he might still make an appearence after that. Also I don’t know if IMDB if 100% accurate but so far for me it has been very accurate. The reason why I say this is because we know next episode that Betty is going to be in the shower with someone. I did wonder when I first heard that Betty had a special relationship with a collegue that it might be them in the shower with Betty but Glen has a beard for one thing so unless he shaves it can’t be him, the person in the shower is clean shaven. Also like I said he isn’t listed as being in episode 2 on IMDB so I’m fairly sure its not him in the shower, which again makes me feel like it is more of a casual thing. I mean we know Betty can cheat shes done it before but I’m not sure if they would go that route with her again but we’ll see. 

I again liked Betty’s set up. I am curious to see where this TBK plot is going. I also wonder if it will link up with the trucker killer I also wonder if TBK is someone we know already, maybe its Chic. I don’t think it would be Charles because although he is a killer I don’t think he would hurt any of his family. I know that they were in prison last we saw them but we don’t know if they still are so they could be a possibilty. I did hear that both actors were seen in the area where they film Riverdale so who knows. I really do hope that Betty does get some time to heal now that she has her friends around her again. 

Veronica        

Ok this one is not going to be a unpopular opinion I think, I haven’t been in the riverdale tag yet as I didn’t want to be spoiled before I saw the episode and then I started writing this review right away, so I don’t know what everyones opinion on it was but here it goes. I didn’t hate Veronica’s husband Chad. Like from the interviews I really thought I would hate him but to me he just came across as a husband who had seen his wife nearly die and was now being too protective of her. I know before the episode everyone was describing Chad as being a controlling abusive husband but I didn’t really get that from this episode. Now I do want to make it clear that I do feel like this might change. I mean the next synopsis says he is having her followed so I do feel like he is going to get worse and I’ll then end up hating him but from this episode alone not so much. I think its just that his reasons make sense. I also feel like the problems in the relationship are less to do with Chad being controlling and more to do with a break down in communication. For example the whole having a child thing. I think its perfectly natural for Chad to want to have a child with his wife, especially when they’ve just had a near death experience that might make Chad feel like they should sieze every opportunity before its gone. I also think its completely fine for Veronica not to want children and to focus on her career. But before we go painting Chad as the evil husband who is trying to force his wife into having children we need to remember that Veronica hasn’t told Chad she doesn’t want children right now. When Chad said he thought this would be the year Veronica replies ‘hopefully’. Now with that response it would seem to anyone like she too wants to have children. She might have told Hermione about her true feelings about the subject but she hasn’t told her husband. Even later when they are having an argument and Chad says ‘we’re suppose to be trying to have a baby’ she still doesn’t tell him that she doesn’t want a child. Also I was kinda on Chad’s side about Veronica lying about where she was working. Like I understand that Veronica wanted to avoid an argument but he is right that would have been very awkward and embarassing for Chad to show up at what he thinks is his wife’s place of work and talk to her friend and discover that his wife doesn’t work there anymore. But again that was a result of the lack of communication. On the flip side of all of that you’ve got Chad who is trying to bubble wrap his wife and its like Veronica said he has forgotten who is wife is, Veronica is a tough gal who doesn’t need to be bubble wrapped. I think all of the problems they are facing right now were brought on by the accident. Chad might have really struggled with seeing his fiery, strong and passionate wife in such a vulnerable position after the accident. Seeing her so fragile then made him want to protect her but he takes it too far wanting her to reduce how much she works and even where she works. Veronica also admits to giving into Chad to avoid arguments. I do think their conversation at the end was good it seemed like they were opening that communication back up. But then Chad gave Veronica that egg. Again I don’t necessarily think this is all Chad’s fault and I don’t necessarily think that because he has given Veronica the same gift her Father gave Hermione that means he is evil. It is obvious from the fact that he talks about how a new one comes out every year that he doesn’t know that connection. Once again Veronica doesn’t tell him that she doesn’t like the egg she just sells it. For some reason Veronica seems to feel like she can’t be open with her husband which is worrying, I do think they are both a bit at fault here and they are both making mistakes, it seems like they’ve both been walking on egg shells around each other since that helicopter crash. We know from an interview that Chad is going to be jealous of Archie and I do think alot of that is going to be because he will see that Veronica and Archie, because of their history together, have an honest and open communication with each other and his wife isn’t being honest or open with him, he and his wife don’t have that when really they should. Unfortunately I do think this will cause Chad to act more and more possessive and irrational which is likely what will then lead to me hating him.  

As for Veronica’s job I am a bit confused about what it is exactly that she does. It looked to me like she was running a kind of underground slightly shady jewellery shop. But whatever shes doing it looked like she was flourishing. I mean she previously worked on wall street and it does seem like she really misses that line of work so hopefully one day she’ll be able to get back to doing what she loves. I am glad that it looked like she was standing up to her husband and making it clear to him what she wanted. I do hope she addresses the baby thing soon though and tells him that she doesn’t want one right now. Again I am interested to see where this storyline goes and just how far to the dark side they will take Chad’s character. Whether they will go full blown he’s the new hiram lodge or whether they’ll have him go pretty far but then give him a redemption arc. I could unfortunately see them give him a redemption arc and then killing him off which I hope they don’t do because that’s a worn out troupe. 

Jughead

So last of the core four is Juggie. Again what is interesting to me is like Betty and Archie, Jughead follows from Veronica and their storylines too are similar. Both of them are dissatisfied with their careers and are having realtionship troubles. Juggie is not in the best of places lets be honest. He had one successful book but now he has writers block, is drinking too much, is in a toxic relationship with his girlfriend jessica and has debt collectors banging at the door and yet the thing I was most shocked by was his new tattoos. Like all the other characters to me this storyline for Jughead makes sense. He has always seemed to draw inspiration from Riverdale for his stories so I think he is struggling to write now that he is left. I do think once he starts investigating a good old Riverdale mystery those creative juices will start to flow once more. I would also like to point out how there was no Jughead narration throughout the episode until those last few moments when Jughead is back in Riverdale and he narrates over Squeaky getting into that truck which could be seen as reaffirming that Jughead will be able to write again once now he’s home. I do also feel like Jug is struggling with the Barchie cheating incident. I think it has left deep wounds for him and I’m hoping now that he is back in riverdale they can start to heal them. I do think its not just the cheating thing though but also because they all broke their promise to meet up a year later. I do wonder if Jug has any bitterness towards the fact they didn’t keep their promise to meet a year later but when Archie called everyone came running. I mean Jughead did not look happy to be there at all and there was definitely tension between them all. Though I would say there was less tension between Archie and Veronica and Archie and Betty.  But I did pick up tension between Jughead and Betty and Jughead and Archie and also a little between Betty and Veronica. 

Anyway going back to Juggie. His girlfriend eventually leaves him because at this point she is tired and feels like Jughead cares more about his book than about her. I do wonder if we might see her again later. Jughead gets over her seemingly pretty quick though when he meets Cora at the bar. I do find it kinda funny that the topic that gets brought up that leads to him getting laid is effectively his relationship with Betty. But we do learn from that conversation with Cora that Jughead’s book is called outcasts and seems to have been based on the serpents and his romance with Betty seems to have been included in it. I do wonder if Jughead wrote the book as a way to sort through his feelings about the break down of his relationship with Betty and ultimately that didn’t work because he still had that pain and that feeling of betrayal. One thing I will say is that I hope that they don’t do a similar thing they did in One Tree Hill where Jughead can suddenly write again and he writes a book about Betty because it would feel a bit too much like he is being saved by Betty and it creates this dependant relationship where he can only write if he’s with Betty. I don’t know I’d just rather he is able to write because he is creative and a good writer not because he is in a relationship with a particular person if that makes sense. I feel like maybe right now he doesn’t know how to function outside of his relationship with Betty which is why he is so quick to sleep with another woman right after Jessica leaves, I feel like he might have been using other women to fill that void, so I would like to see him learn how to be his own person outside of any relationship, I feel like he kind of needs to find himself again. 

In regards to Cora, I mean that girl knew what she wanted but it made me so uncomfortable the way she went about getting what she wanted, I mean she effectively stalked Jughead. Also from the way she said if she didn’t hear from him she would call the debt collectors I feel like maybe she might show up again a bit later. To be honest whilst I feel like Jessica could reappear in a flashback I think Cora could show up and cause trouble in present day. 

Toni 

I am so happy with how much screentime Toni got this episode. She seems to have done pretty well for herself, she’s Serpent Queen and she runs the new White Wyrm, she’s got that serpent trucking business and she’s got a baby on the way which it seems like she is happy about. I am very curious about who the father is going to be. I am still thinking it could be a surrogacy thing with Kevin and Fangs. Maybe that’s why she isn’t telling anyone who the father is yet because fro whatever reason Kangs aren’t ready for people to know. It could be that the three will raise the baby together. Another person I thought it could be is Sweet Pea because of that moment when he talked about how when Toni came back and Toni cuts across him talking about them restarting the serpents. I could be projecting here but it seemed to me like maybe Toni was worried about waht Sweet Pea was going to say like he might say when Toni came back we started a fling and now we’re having a baby together. I’m not completely sold on that though it was just a thought I had. Another thought I had is maybe it is Jugheads. Maybe he came back to town for some reason or Toni met him in new york and they hooked up leading to her getting pregnant. Again I don’t think its very likely but it would be shocking and I do feel like they are going to try and shock us with it. I also feel like it has to be a character we have seen before. 

I am a little worried about Toni  though mainly because of the storyline of her having tht trucking business going on. We know that Vanessa has gone on maternity leave and that they recorded her scenes in advance but I still feel like she’s going to have to be a little more absent. I could see a storyline where the Trucker killer feels like Toni is getting in their way and so they decide to do something about her maybe kidknap her. Or maybe they threaten her leading to Toni leaving for a little while to protect herself and her baby.  

Cheryl

Ok Cheryl’s storyline really hit home for me and I got emotional about it. The whole story line where she hasn’t left Thorn Hill in years was particularly moving for me because I suffer from a condition called agoraphobia which seems to be what Cheryl is struggling with on top of other issues. It’s a very complicated condition and alot of people misconcieve it as meanign you can’t go outside but actually its more complicated than that. It is a fear of spaces precieved as unsafe. As a result alot of the time it will result in those with the condition being unable to leave their homes because their home is typically where they will feel safest. However at the same time it can make your home feel like a prison because even thoguh you might want to you physsically can’t bring yourself to leave your home. Cheryl believes that she is cursed and so many terrible things have happened to her that I’m not surprised if she now precieves as anywhere outside of Thorn Hill as not safe. It was also sad when she compared herself to Sarah Winchester and how she feels she is cursed and that curse will one day consume her. Cheryl is clearly in pain and I think she is using the painting as a coping mechanism. I really hope she is able to get help and begin to heal. 

I do feel like something else might have happened to Cheryl that we aren’t aware of. I notived she was wearing one glove in all the scenes we saw her in which is similar to how Penelope wore a glove after she was burnt. So I wonder if Cheryl is wearing the glove as a reminder of her mother or whether it is because she herself has been injured in some way and is covering it up. It also seems like her Nana Rose might want her to start a Art fraud business which is odd. Maybe they are struggling for money?  But other than that we didn’t learn much about Cheryl so it’ll be interesting to see where they take her character. I mean we saw in the trailer that she does eventually leave Thorn Hill. 

Other Little Things

Ok so here I jsut want to talk about some things that were too brief to warrant a whole section to themselves but that I still think are important. 

I am so happy that Kangs stayed together, they are super cute together and I hope we get to see more screen time for them and Sweet Pea. 

I wonder why Hiram wants Cheryl’s maple groves. I am assuming its something to do with SoDale but I can’t think how its related. 

It is interesting that they have brought Stonewall back into the storyline. It does make me wonder what happened to Donna after seven years. Is she still running from Charles not knowing that it was him and not knowing that he’s been caught? 

Theories for the next episode.

So as I usually do I am going to finish off with theories for what I think will happen in the next episode. 

1) The promo for the next episode starts off with a girl running from a truck. I think this girl will be Polly but I think it’ll come at the very end of the episode. the shot that was in the season trailer of Betty with a gun at home is also in this promo. I actually think Betty will hear a noise and go investigating and it’ll turn out to be Polly arriving there. Part of the reason why I think it could be Polly is because she has surprised Betty a few times before so it would make a parallel to those other scenes where Polly has popped up in the house surprising Betty. I think they will reintroduce her in this episode and then the last scene will be her running from the truck which will explain the synopsis for episode 6 where is says Alice, Kevin and Betty think Polly is in trouble. 

2) Another person that could surpise Betty is Archie. A large part of this is because one of the writers released three emoji’s to describe Barchie which was a gun, a pizza and a key. I think this one could be the gun emoji.  Also in the promo there is a shot of Archie and Betty in her room looking out her window and Archie saying he is going to take the town back. I think maybe Arch comes to talk to her and when she doesn’t open the door he just comes in thinking something might be wrong. I do think they might be at the window to spy on the ghoulies is Archie’s house. It is also worth noting that Archie is in the same clothes that he was in at the end of ep 4 when they were at Pop’s so I think this scene happens early in the episode. It is also possible that Archie stays at Betty’s to do like surveillence on the ghoulies. 

3) There is also a shot of Veronica in the blonde wig and it looks like she is either buying or selling one of those eggs. In the synopsis in talks about how Veronica gets crafty when she finds out Chad is having her followed so I do think this scene is related to that. The egg to me looks just like the one she sold this episode so maybe she is buying one back for some reason. 

4) We can see Hiram telling someone that maybe he should teach them a lesson. I think he might be talking to Archie here. I could see Archie going straight to Hiram after meeting with the gang and then going to Betty after that and making that I am taking back the town speech. 

5) Another scene in the trailer is Betty saying when are we going to kick their asses. I think her and Archie are making a plan to get the Ghoulies out of Archie’s house. We do also get a shot of the ghoulies and it looks like there is alot of them in there. It also looks like they have trashed the place. I do think its possible this is where the pizza emoji will come in I could see them having pizza while they strategize and the key could be to do with getting access/ control of Archie’s home back. We do also see scenes of Betty and Archie beating up the ghoulies with baseball bats so I reckon they will be successful in driving the ghoulies out.

6) We see Jughead at one point hiding behind the counter at Pop’s. We know from the synopsis that he is hiding from debt collecters. We also know that he is getting a new job I could see him getting a job at Pop’s. Again I think Jughead is very much mirroring his father right now and this would be another parallel between them.  

7) Ok so the shower scene. I am pretty sure that it is Barchie in that shower. But the question is how do they end up in the shower together. Well someone else earlier when that scene first came out said they thought the shower looked like Archie’s and yeah it definitely could be there is a window in the right place. So if it is Archie’s shower that maybe their blodd is running a little hot after beating up the ghoulies and the adrenaline is still pumping and that leads to them hooking up. Now I am being a very greedy Barchie shipper here but what if it doesn’t start out in the shower. What if they start out in the bedroom for example and then after decide to take a shower together and thats when they hook up for a second time. I’m just not sure why else they would both be in the shower. Unless they spend the whole episode having moments and the tension builds and builds as the episode goes on, then the fight gets their blood pumping and when one of them goes to have a shower to clean up the other just thinks to hell with it and joins the other one in the shower. 

Well as I said earlier I really enjoyed this episode and I am looking forward to seeing where it will all go. So until next time.   

[mikeyhatesit113]

forever and never: Chapter 12

My Toyota Matrix speeds down the highway, leaving the New York City skyline behind us in the rear view mirror. Janie sits in the passenger seat, admiring the engagement ring I had given to her just hours before in Times Square.

Ahead of us, the sun sinks slowly toward the horizon. Everything about that day had been perfect, and it was sending us off with a beautiful sunset. I felt proud as Janie smiled genuinely at her ring, knowing in my heart that I had treated her like a true princess that day.

“It’s beautiful,” she says. “I love you.”

I look over at her with a smile as wide as the Brooklyn Bridge itself.

“I love you too,” I say, pride swelling in my chest.

“Forever and ever,” she says.

“Plus a day,” I whisper.

2 Years Later

Janie and I step onto our front porch step, anticipation building in my chest. I had not been home in more than 3 weeks, and I had no idea what awaited me on the other side of the front door.

I had spent sleepless nights at my grandmother’s house, mental images torturing me during the night. Wicked animations produced by an imagination hell-bent on punishing me. Images that took place in the very dwelling I was about to re-enter for the first time in over 21 days.

Janie opens the door, and I take in the scene before me.

The smell hit me first. The scent was unfamiliar, as if something else had inhabited the place since my abrupt departure.

Stale cologne?

What was more, the furniture had been rearranged. The kitchen looked different, decorated with additional chairs and flat surfaced stands.

It was at that moment when I noticed that Janie was studying me, awaiting my reaction to the many changes to the place I had previously called home.

This, however, did not look like home. This was a foreign place, accented by a foreign occupant who was hiding in plain sight.

But what, or who, I could not put my finger on.

I forced a smile, hugging Janie. Though I did not recognize this environment, another part of me desperately wanted to call it home again.

Janie gave me a tour, which proved to be an orientation into her new world. A universe she had constructed in my absence, but a galaxy I was almost certain that she did not build alone.

“Wow,” I mumbled as we trudged up the stairs to the bedrooms. Brock’s room looked almost untouched, but James’ room yielded a big difference.

There was now a ball python resting in a tank beside his TV.

“Who’s snake?” I asked.

“Steppenwolf’s,” Janie said anxiously. “He brought it as a gift for the boys,” she quickly explained.

“He stayed here?” I asked, a familiar irritation arising in my chest, despite my best efforts.

“Only when the boys wanted him to, for a sleepover,” she replied.

“Oh,” I said. I immediately felt trapped again, like I was going against everything I had tried to stand for. I felt outraged. I felt like I had been violated.

I felt sick.

“And uh, where did he sleep?” I asked.

“Downstairs on the couch,” she said. “He didn’t stay here often.”

“And where did you sleep when you went to his house?” I asked.

“On his couch or in a spare room,” she replied as a matter-of-factly.

I wanted to believe her. I needed to believe her. It was the only way this could work.

“Ok...” I spoke, trying to shove her truth down my throat.

I hoped to God that he didn’t see the inside of our bedroom, which in fact, had also been transformed during my absence.

My brand new queen-size bed was long gone, currently locked up in a dark storage unit. In its place was a twin bed with a frame that creaked, and a mattress with springs that groaned. Additionally, the right side of our room was lit up with a red light that glowed from another large reptile tank which housed a lizard.

That night, I slept warily beside her in that crimson-lit room. I laid awake, wondering what I didn’t know. Wondering what she wasn’t telling me. Wondering if I was making the right decision.

I certainly didn’t have the support from my friends and family, who were incredulous that I returned to her embrace.

“I just want your support and friendship right now,” I texted my friend one day. “You got it,” he wrote back.

His response was not what I was looking for, but did he have the right words to make me feel like I was doing the right thing?

No one did, but in the effort of leaving no stone unturned, everyone’s opinion could not matter.

This was my journey, and no one else’s footsteps or words could complete the distance for me. I had to do it myself, whether it was 3 days, 3 weeks, or forever and ever, just like we had always promised eachother.

Logistically, the tricky task was moving the right amount of stuff back home to Janie and I’s place. I was not ready to empty my room at my Grandmother’s house, nor did I touch my storage unit.

They had been safe zones, and as happy as I was to be back home, I was still rather uncomfortable. I wanted to take it slow, if there was a such thing for a married couple.

Of course, there were other things returned. Janie drove with me to my grandmother’s house one Sunday afternoon to grab one of the things she had missed the most; her Lancer.

In the Lancer’s absence, her father had bought her a $300 mid-1990’s Oldsmobile that had an oil leak problem. It did not have a 6-disc CD player, but it did have a cassette player with cracked vinyl seats.

Call it vintage appeal, if you will. A time machine back to the 1990’s on 4 wheels.

I remember handing Janie the car key to the Lancer and her excitedly hopping in the driver seat. “I love this car,” she said, taking in the interior all over again as if it were the first time ever.

When the boys came home from their father’s house that evening, it was the reunion I was looking forward to most. I hugged them both, telling them both how much I had missed them. As far as I was concerned, I was back for good. And they’d never feel that pain again.

I did have unfinished business, however. I had seen enough photos of the boys sporting fedora hats, indicating that Steppenwolf had bought them their very own wacky hats. I did not appreciate these photos, so one afternoon, I found his Facebook.

I simply sent him this:

:)

It wasn’t long before he answered me.

“Hello?” he responded.

I couldn’t resist myself.

“I want to thank you for trying to take care of a family that wasn’t yours, and I hope you kept the receipt from whatever costume shop you bought those ridiculous hats from.”

“That purple sports car will never fill the void.”

“How does it feel to be an empty old man?”

“What’s wrong, Steppenwolf? Answer me.”

Steppenwolf did not respond, and I was blocked shortly thereafter.

Janie, however, was not happy that I had attacked Steppenwolf. When I told her about what I had sent him, she told me that she already knew I had done so, and that she just wanted me to leave it alone.

Nothing had happened between them. He had been just a friend.

Upon our reunion, Janie and I agreed to participate in marriage counseling. One October evening, our pastor showed up to our home and ate a nice dinner with us. Afterwards, with the cool, Autumn air flowing through the screen door near the kitchen table, Janie and I sat across from each other as our pastor looked on from the side.

We had each written down our concerns on a piece of paper, and it didn’t take long before the dialogue spun out of control.

In my endeavor to overlook so much and ignore so many little details, I could not bring myself to believe that she hadn’t lied to me. That she hadn’t kissed one of my best friends.

That she hadn’t betrayed me.

That I wasn’t her fool.

I guess in the end, even though I felt worthless, I owed myself some semblance of the truth.

I felt the conversation turn against me, and our pastor was soon siding with Janie about my paranoia. He hadn’t lived the nights I had, and he hadn’t seen the dark shadows drift in and out of our lives for the past 2 years.

Specters of betrayal. Phantoms that she denied ever existed.

Ghosts and goblins that haunted the life I thought we’d build.

Secrets that wouldn’t stay dead. Rotting corpses that wouldn’t stay buried.

“Michael,” our pastor chuckled. “You have these...construction crews...in your head,” he spoke. “And they build things out of these thoughts you have,” he said, laughing softly. Janie sat beside him, smirking at me.

I’ll never forget the smug look on her face as she stared at me, enjoying the fact that another human being had taken her at her word.

Nothing happened. He’s angry. He’s paranoid.

I couldn’t take it. I had tried to suppress it, bury it, destroy it, even...but the rage had returned. I stood up abruptly from my chair, anger coursing through my veins.

So many friends and family had contributed to my mental health over the past weeks, and this is how I repaid them? This is how I rewarded myself?

Being mocked by my pastor and my wife during marriage counseling?

“You sit there,” I bellowed, pointing a finger at her. “Laughing at me, looking down on me from your pedestal? Trust me, hunny, I’m looking down on you. I have nothing for you.”

I went to walk away, but my pastor called me back to the table.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ekim,” he said. “Where are you going? Get back to this table.”

I returned to the table slowly, staring at Janie. Her smirk was gone, replaced by a poisonous look of revulsion. I echoed her emotion.

We truly were toxic.

Of course, that counseling session was the start of the downward slope. More odd occurrences around the house sparked more questions and suspicions.

Like the Earl Grey Teabags on the counter, and the Syracuse hoodie I found in the wash basket one morning while I was folding clothes.

Janie was not a tea drinker, nor was she a Syracuse fan. Janie wasn’t home at that time, so I texted her a picture of the hoodie with the simple question, “What’s this?”

“Uh, a Syracuse hoodie,” she responded.

“I get that. Why do you have a Syracuse hoodie?” I texted.

“My family lived in Syracuse for a little bit when I was a little girl,” she texted back.

This was a blatant lie. Her family had never lived in Syracuse, much less another county.

Janie and I hobbled on, but our legs were giving out. The fighting soon made a vengeful comeback, and our tempers boiled over one rainy day.

I struggled with the lies. I struggled with the stories. I struggled with the person I had become. I hated him. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated his guts.

I hated what I did to Jay, now that I was at some capacity to understand it years later.

My mood became tense, and the suspicions only increased.

In the kitchen one day, we locked horns. Janie was making dinner when an argument started. It would be futile to try to tell you exactly regarding what, as I cannot remember due to the violent maelstrom we were trapped in. The reasons for conflict and discord were abundant and vicious. Pick one.

After a venomous word exchange, Janie slammed the casserole dish down on the stove top, cracking it. I turned away and marched out the front door into the pouring rain. I unlocked my car, sobbing as I flung open the door and sat in the driver seat.

I had not noticed Janie following me, and she came into my view as I shoved my key into the ignition.

“Where are you going?” she pleaded.

I didn’t plan to say it, and to be honest, I didn’t even know I felt it like I did.

But it came from the heart.

“I fucking hate my life,” I cried, looking her in the eyes. She stared back at me pitifully, the cold rain drops falling on both of us as we took each other in.

Who were we? What had we become?

How had our house of cards collapsed like this? We thought we were the exception.

We hobbled on.

One sunny Saturday morning before Halloween, we were ready to go to a pumpkin patch. However, before walking out the door, I noticed that James was apprehensive.

Everyone else had walked out to the car, and I seized the moment to address James alone.

“James, what’s wrong?” I asked, walking up to him and kneeling down.

“I’m afraid you’re going to leave again,” he said, looking at the ground.

I was taken aback, but I was encouraged all the same.

“James, I love you, your brother, and your mommy very much,” I said. “I love you, and I’m not going to leave you,” I assured him, pulling him into a tight hug.

“I promise, I’m here for good.”

After Halloween, we saw another November 1st arrive. Our anniversary, a day we hailed for years as the day we found eachother.

A day, 5 years earlier, that changed both of our lives forever.

A day I had progressively become more and more ashamed of.

I gave her the gift I had gotten her, a flashy trinket with the engraving, “Forever and ever”.

As soon as she opened it, I could tell she was expecting more. Another disappointing gift on another day we had no reason to celebrate.

Little did I know, that November 1st would be our last.

This is where I’m going to ask you to dig in your memory bank and pull out a date. A date I asked you to remember many chapters ago.

A date with more significance and karma than you could guess.

November 4th.

Welcome to the End.

“Passion or coincidence, Once prompted you to say, "Pride will tear us both apart". Well, now pride's gone out the window, Cross the rooftops, Run away... Left me in the vacuum of my heart.

What is happening to me? Crazy, some'd say. Where is my friend when I need you most? Gone away.”

Duran Duran “Ordinary World”

NOTE: Though this is my side of the story, including my own personal recollections and opinions, the reader should not consider this note anything other than a work of literature. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

[pgkwriter]

Just an excerpt from Chapter 18 “The American Dream” of Home because I’m thinking back to these happy cute times with Kerry, Susan, Elizabeth, Abby, and Sandy while I finish edits on Chapter 23 🥺

~~~

“Sandy! Kerry! Over here!” Susan called from a few tables over, waving until she caught Sandy’s eye. They weaved their way through an already semi-intoxicated ER staff until they found themselves at Susan’s table. “We saved you seats.” She gestured to the two empty spots across from where she sat. Sandy pulled Kerry’s chair out for her and Kerry immediately sank into it.

“Chuck, have you met Sandy?” Susan asked, smacking Chuck’s arm lightly as he chatted with Malik.

“No - hi,” he turned to Sandy as she took her seat to his right and extended his hand. Her strong grip surprised him if the look in his eyes was anything to go by.

Abby returned to her place at the table then, thanking Malik as he complimented her dress, her highlighted hair curled and cascading gently down her shoulders.

“Kerry, Sandy.” Abby said in greeting with a slight smile, setting down her drink at her spot.

“Abby,” Kerry smiled, watching as Abby sat and took a big gulp of her drink, which could have been a soda water or a vodka soda for all Kerry knew. Things had been awkward between the two of them since Kerry’s unexpected arrival at her apartment the week before, and Abby knew she had noticed the beer bottles. They’d never really spoken about Abby’s drinking problem, but she knew that Kerry had known she had sponsored John for a brief period of time. Kerry was a smart woman, she didn’t need things spelled out for her. Abby felt a tinge of shame, not relishing in the idea that she may have disappointed someone who’s opinion she valued higher than anyone else’s.

“Did you see the cupcakes they have up there?” Susan leaned over to Abby, looking in the direction of the waitstaff setting up the display of desserts for after dinner was served. Kerry watched the two young women chat and laugh together, almost getting lost in their camaraderie before a hand on her arm brought her back and she looked beside her at Sandy’s smiling face.

“Bored yet?” Kerry whispered, grabbing the hand that was still resting on her arm and playing with the ring on her finger absentmindedly. “Regret wanting to come?”

“Fat chance.” Sandy teased, squeezing Kerry’s fingers briefly before rising out of her chair. “I’m going to go grab us some drinks.”

Soon Kerry was watching her wife’s back (or, more accurately, her bottom ) as she wound her way through the crowd of Kerry’s colleagues.

“When are you due, Dr. Weaver?” Chuck asked suddenly, trying to fill the dead air that had taken over their table for an uncomfortable few minutes.

“Chuck, she’s not pregnant.” Susan deadpanned a whispered scolding, eyes wide and eyebrows raised into her hairline. Chuck turned red and then completely white before Kerry could save him.

“She’s teasing you,” Kerry laughed out of pity, Abby completely losing it at Chuck’s expense. “October 5th.” She answered his question as the color slowly came back to his cheeks.

“I hate you,” Chuck whispered quickly to Susan, rising out of his chair and excusing himself to the bathroom. As soon as he’d turned his back, Susan and Abby erupted into laughter.

“I can’t help it sometimes,” Susan confessed, taking a sip of her wine. “He’s just too easy of a target. He’s like Carter-” Susan began before she could stop herself. Kerry had noted the empty chair beside Abby but hadn’t thought much of it until now.

Abby waved off the concerned faces, taking another sip of her drink, but she didn’t say anything.

Almost as if sent from God himself to save the moment, Elizabeth approached their table, the form fitting gold gown stunning every male she’d passed on her journey across the room into silence.

“Look at this group of miscreants,” she teased as she approached, pulling out the empty seat beside Abby and sitting down. “You all look beautiful tonight.” Sandy approached, then, setting an iced water in front of Kerry and taking her seat beside her, sipping her martini on her way down so as to not spill it.

“Elizabeth, do you know Sandy Lopez?” Kerry gestured between the two women, surprised when she could not remember a time over the last three years when the two might have crossed paths.

“Only by name,” Elizabeth held her hand out. “Elizabeth Corday; surgeon, but I tend to crash the ER banquets.”

“Sandy Lopez, firefighter,” Sandy noted with a smirk that Elizabeth’s handshake was more firm than Chuck’s had been. She liked the woman already.

“Well, my late-husband was an attending in the ER for nearly a decade, how did you manage to crash this party?” Elizabeth prodded, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it out loud. She leaned forward and took a sip from her glass of wine - she had obviously had a head start in the alcohol department, her words slurring just slightly.

“I know the right people,” Sandy’s eyes flashed to Kerry whose lips turned up into a slight smile, a blush creeping into her cheeks.

“If you happened to catch Romano’s press conference with the Alderman a few weeks ago… perhaps you could say that this is my husband .” Kerry’s lame attempt at a joke made Sandy choke on the sip of her martini she had just taken, coughing into the crook of her elbow as the other women at the table watched on wide-eyed.

“Ah, I was wondering who the lucky woman was.” Elizabeth said, the sarcasm in her voice so barely evident that only Susan truly picked up on it. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Weaver.”

The table erupted into laughter as Elizabeth rose out of her chair, excusing herself as she saw Haleh in the distance and wanted to go say hello. She took a few steps before stopping abruptly and turning back, leaning against the back of the chair she had just vacated. “Oh! I wanted to ask, did you get the results of your amnio back yet?”

Sandy looked to Kerry, wondering how she was going to handle such a personal question asked so publicly and casually.

“Uh - yes, we did. Everything looks fine.” Kerry’s face broke into a wide smile. “Thank you for asking.”

“Wonderful!” Elizabeth replied genuinely, leaving them with a small wave and continuing toward Haleh.

“I was surprised when Luka told me you RSVP’d, Kerry,” said Susan, taking another sip of her wine as she watched the blush begin the fade from Kerry’s face.

“It was my fault,” Sandy spoke up before Kerry could reply. “I reminded her that the opportunities to party will go down significantly in just a few months.” Kerry could swear that Sandy’s smile lit the table brighter than the candles in the centerpiece.

“That’s true!” Susan raised her glass in a mock toast. “You’ve got what, three months to go? You must be getting really excited.”

“Excited but unprepared - we still haven’t finished putting together the nursery,” Sandy continued. “I think we were both so nervous, you know… that something could still happen.”

“But we’re nearing the safety zone,” Kerry added, sitting up and doing her best to mask the grimace that accompanied the movement, the hard dining chairs doing her hip absolutely no favors.

“God, I can’t wait to have a baby around again.” Susan picked at the appetizers on the small plate in front of her. “I love the baby years, particularly when it’s someone else’s baby and you can give them back. I’ve always been so bummed that I missed so much of Ella when she was tiny.”

Sandy smiled at Kerry, relishing in the friendly, personal conversation between her partner and her coworkers, but noticed Kerry’s jaw clenched and her hand kneading furiously at her left hip under the table.

“With the amount of time Kerry spends at the hospital, I’m sure you will have plenty of baby time. We might as well make her an ID already,” Sandy joked, taking another sip of her martini, trying to make up for Kerry’s silence.

“So you do know it’s a girl.” Abby finally spoke, engaging in the conversation for the first time since sitting down. “I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to say anything if not.”

The silence that fell over the table told Abby that she had just made a big mistake and her cheeks immediately flushed. Sandy’s eyes widened and she looked to Kerry who looked equally stunned.

“Oh my god.” Abby could have gotten sick right on the table, absolutely horrified at accidentally revealing the gender of their baby. She hid her face in her hands, not noticing how much pleasure Susan was getting out of the whole situation.

“How-how do you know?” Kerry asked, the pain in her hip gone for the time being, all of her focus being pulled to the panicked nurse sitting an empty seat away from her.

“The amnio, on the monitor,” Abby’s voice was muffled by her hands, her head still down, practically on the table. “I thought you knew, oh my god.”

“A girl.” Sandy leaned over to Kerry but stopped herself before kissing her, unsure of exactly the amount of PDA Kerry would be comfortable with surrounded by colleagues. But Kerry turned to Sandy, her eyes glossy with happy tears, and grabbed her face in her hands, pulling her toward her and kissing her deeply, passionately, and without a care of who was there to witness it.

“A girl.” Kerry whispered as they parted, her hand lingering on Sandy’s cheek for a few extra moments before they pulled away from each other, Kerry looking sheepishly at the small crowd that had formed behind Susan. Luka, Lydia, Randi, and Jerry all stood with different variations of shocked looks on their faces. Abby’s face had yet to recover and she took a greedy sip of her drink.

“What’s going on?” Luka asked with a laugh, observing the chaos of what he thought would be one of the more tame tables at the banquet.

“Well,” Susan started, rising out of her chair. “Abby just told Kerry and Sandy the gender of their baby without realizing they didn’t know, and now I’m going to go take Abby to get another drink.” Susan grabbed Abby by the arm and began to pull her away with a laugh.

“I am so sorry Kerry, Sandy, I really thought-” Abby began before Kerry could stop her.

“It’s fine, I promise. We’ve been saying ‘she’ for months now, it’s nice to know we were right.” The audience of coworkers was not sure they’d ever seen Kerry look so happy as she turned again and gave the somewhat speechless Sandy another kiss. Susan managed to drag Abby away - though the fact that they were going to the bar was not lost on Kerry, even in the commotion of the unexpected news - and Randi’s eyes widened as she stepped away, having thoroughly enjoyed what she’d seen and needing to tell everyone about it promptly . Jerry and Lydia continued in the direction they had been going in when they’d been sidetracked by Kerry and Sandy’s PDA and Luka rounded the table to give Kerry and Sandy congratulatory hugs and kisses on the cheek.

“You really did a great job organizing this, Luka.” Kerry said as he straightened up again after their hug; she hadn’t even been able to meet him halfway, the momentary respite from her pain having certainly passed.

“Last year was good practice,” he chuckled, taking a sip of his drink. “Be glad you weren’t here for that one.” Kerry had heard mumblings about the banquet the year before, something about an unstocked bar and a broken thermostat. “I’m glad you decided to come tonight, though, both of you.” He placed a hand on Sandy’s shoulder who looked up appreciatively. “If you’ll excuse me.” He smiled apologetically as an obviously perturbed Romano waved him down from across the room, and both women were grateful Luka had decided to go to him instead of the other way around. If they could get through the night without an interaction with the Chief of the ER, then they would really know luck was on their side.

Kerry grabbed Sandy’s hand, squeezing it on the table as she laughed, watching Jerry and Randi begin dancing in the middle of the room, prompting others to partner off and join them. Kerry looked at Sandy whose eyes were trained on all the giddy couples.

“You want to dance.” Kerry pointed out, a tinge of sadness in her voice.

“Nah…” Sandy shook her head, looking at her partner. “I’m good just sitting here with my wife. And my daughter.” Sandy pulled her right hand from Kerry’s and set it on Kerry’s stomach for a brief moment. Kerry’s hand found Sandy’s and she rested it on top - the baby hadn’t moved much since they arrived at the banquet but Kerry couldn’t help but think it would be a Hallmark moment if she were to move, to kick, to say hello somehow to her mothers as they so patiently waited for her. If only real life were like the movies. Kerry’s eyes found Sandy’s again, who leaned in for another kiss, their hands still on her stomach. Sometimes, life is like the movies … Kerry thought, and the baby gave one solid kick felt without fail by both of her mothers.

[sweetdejun]

coterie: the pen (2/2)

gang!x1 x fem!reader

synopsis: you’re an ordinary girl, with an ordinary life. but what happens when you catch the gang that is famous for keeping their deeds under the table, in action?

coterie’s masterlist can be found here

pairing: cho seungyoun and y/n

a/n: mild cursing, so proceed with caution. stay safe and healthy, everyone~

the next morning comes bright and early, and you must admit, you had trouble waking up due to the fact that you almost finished one of the books you picked up the day before. you started reading it and somehow it was 3 in the morning, and you had to force yourself to close the book. miraculously you managed to make it out of bed on time, and you sauntered over to the library, your laptop tucked safely into one arm as you swung open the door. you made your way to your desk, and set down your things. I could go for some coffee right about now, you thought and rang soonja for your coffee. “mr. cho asked for your coffee a few minutes ago, he wanted both to be dropped off at the library. would you still like for me to send one in for you?” you raised your eyebrows and truth be told, felt your heart beat a little faster. “oh? then in that case, please just bring both of them up, don’t worry about the second one. thank you.” it seemed minutes later, seungyoun walked in, followed by soonja with your coffees, the smell now permeating throughout the room. “good morning, y/n! I hope you don’t mind, but I asked soonja to bring in both of our coffees together,” seungyoun sheepishly grinned, to which you shook your head, smiling. “it’s no big deal, sir. thank you, soonja, for the coffee!” she set down the respective beverages before giving you a small bow and retreating from the library. “you don’t have to be so formal with me, y/n. you can call me seungyoun,” he said, before taking a swig from his mug. “okay, si-seungyoun. thank you for the coffee, I really needed it.” and he chuckled a little as you proceeded to start your work-filled day with a cup of coffee, face turning a light shade of pink.

generally, your day-to-day routine remained the same. you would go to work, where seungyoun had your and his coffee, and you would begin looking through cases and making case briefs which you would later file so that they’d be easy for him to find, in case he needed to reference them. sometimes, seungyoun would have you stop what you’re doing and review something for him while he’d step out momentarily. you’d work through the day, then get back to your room in the evening, before repeating the cycle the next day. every once in a while as the both of you work away, seungyoun will start conversation, and it’s just about random topics. one minute, you guys will talk about what flavors of ice cream are superior, to why you think you’re a slytherin and he’s a ravenclaw. one day while you were having one of said conversations, and the topic of music comes up. “I listen to a range of music,” you tell him as you staple papers. “I guess it really just depends on my mood... I could be listening to classical music one minute, then rock music that goes hard the next, so it’s unconventional, but I enjoy it.” seungyoun nods, and proceeds to ask you who your favorite artist is. “actually, this one guy appeared on my grid a few weeks ago, and I’ve started to listen to his music a little more. his name is woodz, and wow, I’ve never heard a voice like his before in my entire life. and his lyrics are so heartfelt, you can tell he’s genuinely modeled his lyrics from his own experiences and stories. strange thing is now one has ever seen him or anything like that, and as far as I know people are dying to get a glimpse of him .” you look up from your busy hands, to find seungyoun studying the open air, eyes narrowed in focus. as you fell quiet, seungyoun was snapped out of his trance, blinking rapidly, before turning towards you. “I’m sorry, I zoned out there for a second.” and part of you wanted to ignore it, but your curiosity got the best of you. “is something the matter, seungyoun?” you noticed the hesitation looming in his eyes, as if he was contemplating something and finally, with a sigh he looked towards you, “actually, there’s something I wanna show you.” he stood up from his seat, and motioned for you to follow him. he leads you out of the library, and you follow him, going down a set of stairs, before eventually making your way to an eerily dark corner of the mansion. he reaches a room, placing his hand on the doorknob, and turns to look at you, who still has no clue about what’s going on. “what I am about to show you is private, and only the other members of the gang know about this.” you nod, his serious gaze making shivers run down your spine. he opens the door.

inside the room looks like a recording studio. and you’ve only ever seen them in movies and tv shows, never in real life, but it’s how you would think it looks. a dim room separated by a door and a glass window, displaying a stool and a microphone, lit only by the singular bulb sitting right above the apparatus. on your side is the computer, keyboard and a bunch of other sound machines more recognizable to anyone more familiar with these instruments than you. “it’s a recording studio,” seungyoun tells you. “whenever I have time, or when I’m feeling inspired is when I come down here. I write lyrics, or I make a beat. sometimes, I’ll even get to record it.” he looks over to you, who is still admiring the room, taking in all the details, your mouth slightly ajar. he chuckles softly, which catches your attention. your eyes move to his smiling figure and you feel embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I’m just a little taken aback. It’s my first time seeing anything like this in person.” seungyoun’s got a look in his eye you can’t quite understand, but that thought fades away fast, as he moves forward to sit on the chair, pulling you along with him. seungyoun’s hand is slightly calloused, albeit warm and his hold feels secure. that notion leaves you as quick as it came, leaving the back of your neck feeling warm. he sits, before pulling a stool over, for you. “of course, the others know about the studio, but I’ve never let any of them listen to anything before,” he tells you. “why not?” you ask and his gaze suddenly falls to the floor in utter bashfulness. “well, I have uploaded a lot of my music, and it has gotten attention, but I don’t know, I guess I’m just shy...” he lets out a small sigh and smiles at you, sadness looming in his grin. your heart ached at his immediate change in demeanor. “sorry, I didn’t mean to throw that weight onto you,” but you interrupt, shaking your head. “don’t be. sometimes you need to let things out, so don’t apologize. and I appreciate that you want to share your music with me, but if you still feel uncomfortable, you don’t have to-” and he cut you off, “but I want to. I don’t know why, y/n, but I feel like I can trust you with this. I’m not doing this out of obligation, I genuinely want your opinions.” and with that he exhaled and muttered, “here it goes.”

within the first millisecond of the song, a pang of familiarity hit you. one second, two seconds, three. you’re amazed because you’ve heard this song before. realization dawns over you, and you turn to look at seungyoun, who’s got a small smile on his face. “you.. you’re... woodz?” there was definitely a lot going through your head, but the first thing that managed to escape your mouth as he slowly nodded was, “holy shit, you rock, dude.” seungyoun, shocked by your reaction, laughed loudly, covering his mouth as the corners of his eyes crinkled up, shaping them into crescents. you, who were still starstruck, leaned back, your hands in your hair, until you forgot that you were sitting on a stool, which didn’t have anything to support you. “whoa,” slipped from your mouth, and before you hit the ground, that same warm hand protected you from the hit, strongly gripping your waist, before gracefully seating you back up. “you okay?” seungyoun’s voice rang, but all you could hear was how loud your heart was beating. “you have caused quite the commotion in the music industry, and I’ve read the comments everywhere. they all love your music, and you’ve got tons of supporters, including me. I instantly felt like I could relate to your lyrics, and you’ve made some sick beats, and just everything, wow.” you started to ramble, and seungyoun felt embarrassed but strangely, hearing your feedback was all that mattered in that moment. and you guys sat in there for god knows how long, just talking about his music, to his musical journey. you learned that since college, seungyoun’s had a knack for mixing tracks and creating music, to the point where professionals had reached out to him, to ask if he wanted to make a career out of it. but, he ended up choosing law over music which is a decision he’s glad he made, but sometimes, when a piece of him regrets turning down those offers, he comes down here, and creates masterpieces (which is what you would call them) instead. from that day forward, the friendship between the both of you grew a lot stronger. you and seungyoun were almost constantly hanging out, even out of the library. you guys ate together, worked together, and he’d often take you to the recording room, where he’d have you listen to demos and ask for your advice about what needed some tweaking and what you liked. slowly, you started breaking out of your shell more with him, and although he wasn’t aware of it, seungyoun was too and he was glad to have you in his life.

you continued to your daily routine, as always, and one day, you walked into the library and were surprised to see seungyoun sitting at his desk with someone sitting across from him; an older man, with a head of gray and blonde hair, and they were speaking in a language you couldn’t quite understand. you greeted the two men and as soon as he noticed you, a grin formed on his face, contorting in a way that made you tense up. you turned around to sit on your desk, not failing to notice the gaze of the man, which seemed to ravish at the sight of you. you felt extremely uncomfortable, tucking your legs under your desk; you thought you dressed appropriately for this job, nothing too short or too tight, but the way the man’s eyes traced down your body and the way his tongue poked out to wet his bottom lip caused you to nearly fall grabbing a nearby sweater to wrap around you. seungyoun noticed your actions almost immediately. why were you wearing a sweater in the middle of summer? he followed your fearful eyes to the man in front of him and his jaw clenched at the sight. he cleared his throat, which caught both yours and the man’s attention. “I’ll have you know, mr. santos, that if you are here to work with me, then you will keep your fucking perverted gaze off of my assistant. she should feel safe in her workplace and if you can’t let that happen, then I’m not afraid to take the matter into my own hands. got it?” seungyoun’s voice dropped a few octaves as he spoke, the man grunting and muttering under his breath. seungyoun looked at you, and said, “sorry for not telling you about this, y/n, he was supposed to come in next week. you can leave if you’re not feeling comfortable, and I’ll call you back once he’s gone.” your shaky gaze went to seungyoun and you nodded, letting a breathy, “thank you” escape your mouth before you briskly exited the room, and headed back. your heart was thumping, and the image of seungyoun speaking to the man in such a harsh manner wasn’t leaving your head. the scene was replaying over and over and before you knew it, you were startled as your phone rang. “the guy left, I made sure of it. you can come back now, if you’d like.” and so you did. the atmosphere in the library was an odd one; you and seungyoun both typed away, tension heavy in the air. “sorry about that,” seungyoun broke the silence. “mr. santos wanted us to hold some money for him here, and I wanted to deal with any legal matters, should he rat us out. he said he was coming in next week, but he happened to be in the city yesterday, and decided to extend his visit. he’s a jackass on his own, but he shouldn’t have made you feel that way. I’m sorry again.” you bit your lip, exhaling before turning to look at seungyoun, and you said, “thank you. I don’t know what you told him, but I had a feeling it was reprimanding him for how he made me feel, so I just wanna thank you for that.” seungyoun looked up at you, and studied your features for what felt like an eternity. finally, as if he came to some conclusion, before getting up from his desk. he approached you and offered you a hand, which you timidly took. he gently pulled you out of your seat and held a strong grip on your hand, leading the way. “where are we going?” you passed your room, and his, and were far from the recording studio. seungyoun reached a door, and when he went past it and turned the lights on, you realized you were in a garage. cars were lined up neatly in two uniform lines. keys hang on a holder by the door, and seungyoun picks one and unlocks a car: it’s a black Maserati, and turns to you and says, “please get into the car. I’ll explain everything to you.” and so you do. you don’t question it because in the weeks you’ve grown to know seungyoun, you’ve also grown to trust him. 

you sit in the passenger seat, watching as seungyoun drives you from the house down a road, for a while. you don’t ask him where you are going, rather you take in the grey, bright sky. “looks like it’s gonna rain,” you hear seungyoun say. you turn to him briefly, your eyes skimming over his features and you reply, “they say that rain is a sign of good luck.” and before he can further the conversation, one drop of water hits the windshield. before another. following another. and then it starts raining, but it’s not the thunderstorm kind of rain, rather it’s the kind that makes you want to turn off the lights, and get into your most comfortable clothes, and take a nap. the urge to fall asleep takes over you faster than you thought, and it seems as though it’s only been a few minutes, but you feel a gentle shake and you hear your name being called. you groggily open your eyes and rub them, adjusting yourself in the seat. “we’re here.” the rain has stopped, although the sky looks about the same as before. you turn your attention to seungyoun, who opens his door. just as your hand reaches out to copy his action, he says, “let me,” then steps out of the car, and walks around to open the door for you. you swing your legs out of the car, and he offers a hand that you take. you walk when seungyoun walks and stop when seungyoun stops. you find that you are standing on a deck, that overlooks a body of water. it’s the kind of deck that the older people will walk on in the early hours of the day, or where grieving people may come, with bags of a couple green bottles. “I come here to clear my head sometimes. I’ve actually been coming here for a few years now; whenever there’s something bothering me, or if there’s any ounce of regret in me, or even just when I need to be alone, I come here,” seungyoun’s voice interrupts your thoughts. he turns just enough to point out the warm grey, wooden bench. “I sit here, and close my eyes, taking it the sounds of the water and feel the breeze against my skin.” and with that, he rotates completely to sit on said bench. he pats a spot next to him for you. you situated yourself next to him, and looked at him, only to find his gaze on you.

“so, what’s on your mind?” you ask, perching your elbow against the bench and leaning your head against your palm. seungyoun hunched his shoulders a little, his head falling in thought before he took a deep breath. “first, promise that you won’t react till the end.” this is the first time you’ve heard seungyoun speak with any nervousness. you nodded, “okay, you’re making me nervous. is everything okay?” a seriousness grows in seungyoun’s gaze, and he breathes out, “I didn’t like the way santos made you feel today. I saw it all. after you left, I taught him a lesson. what I did to him doesn’t matter, but I told him we wouldn’t hold his money and he would need to find someone else. and there’s no way he’ll try to sabotage the gang, because he’s in a very tight place right now. the point is I won’t do business with anyone that I don’t respect, and he lost all my respect the minute he looked at you like a piece of fucking meat.” you tentatively placed your hand on his knee. “I told you earlier, it’s okay,” but seungyoun huffed angrily. “it’s not okay! I would’ve killed him, really. I know you’re strong because you handled the situation well, but me? when it comes to you, y/n, you’re...” and he looked into your eyes, searching for something. “I’m what, seungyoun?” you softly said, moving closer to his face subconsciously. his eyes flickered between holding your gaze and running over your mouth, before he said, “you’re my weakness.” and that’s all it took for him to close the distance between the two of you, pulling you close as he kissed you. you let out a quiet gasp, before your hands went to cup his face. seungyoun pulled you closer by the waist, the bench only making the both of you contort in a weird way, and yeah it was uncomfortable but you both wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else. when the burn started to grow in your lungs, only then did you pull away, breathing hard. your eyes found seungyoun’s and you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him in for a hug, which he gladly reciprocated. “I like you, y/n,” he says into your hair. “you are one of the few people I can truly be myself around, and we had this connection, you know? I know you felt it too, and I have been proven right,” he chuckled as you nudged his hip. “what I’m trying to say is along the line, you’ve made me a happier person, and all I know is that I want you to be around for a long time.” you pulled back to peck his cheek, “I know, seungyoun, because you’ve made me feel the same way. I found myself slowly being more and more gravitated towards you, and I couldn’t have had it another way.” seungyoun smiled genuinely, and brushed the hair away from your forehead, before smirking, “what do you say I take you out tonight, as an official first date?” you grinned widely, “I’d like that a lot.”

a/n: aaand that’s a wrap on seungyoun’s storyline! I have to say, it took me a while to figure out where to go, so I really hope you all like it! since there are only four more left, I will just go in the order that I had originally. unfortunately, i’ve started losing motivation to continue the series quite rapidly, so I don’t know how often updates will be for coterie. and as always, thank you guys for all the love and support you have given this series, and thanks so much for waiting patiently! stay safe!

[yanara126-writing]

Godlike

Sesshomaru thinks about his past, his motivations and his future.

A discription of his relationships with his family mostly. There's no real story, just him moping on a cliff basically.

Read here or on Ao3 (~3k)

The song segments come from a song called The Godlike Song from Alexx Calise. 

Comments always welcome! Enjoy! :)

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The wind blew quietly through the trees as he stood on a cliff, looking off into the distance. He had left Rin and Jaken somewhere in the forest to have some time alone and think. Normally, he enjoyed Rin’s happy babbling and would simply blend out Jaken’s voice, if he got too annoying, but today he needed the silence.

They had passed through a human village a few hours ago, to get Rin a new Kimono. That in itself was nothing unusual, but this time something had been different…

Rin ran happily around, admiring the beautiful Kimonos that were shown at the market, while Sesshomaru stood to the side, watching her and enduring the stares the humans gave him. Since he knew said stares were not hateful, he ignored them.

He had been careful to choose a village that tolerated demons at least to a minimum. Certainly not for his sake, but for Rin’s. He did not want her to be judged because she travelled with a youkai. Besides, why put up with the annoyance of a hostile village if he could easily avoid it?

With the stares usually came whispers too and he wasn’t disappointed this time either. It was ridiculous how bad the human hearing had to be if they seriously thought he could not hear them.

„Do you know who that is? “

„Those clothes look really expensive; do you think he could be some sort of royal? “

„Look at those features, almost godlike! “

Godlike… A word he had always associated with his father. Yes, that was what his father had been for him as a child, a god. Never would he have thought of himself in that way.

His father… The truth was, he had admired his father, and still did. He had almost worshiped him as a child. Until his father had chosen a human mate. At first, he hadn’t minded too much, had dismissed it as temporary phase. But then his father had left him alone for always longer times until he had spent more time with her than with his son.

He had tried to get his father’s attention back by trying to be the perfect heir his mother had always told him he had to be. He had trained and had become even better than his tutors. He had surpassed everyone’s expectations and had been sure that the next time his father came home he would have to notice.

But when his father had finally arrived, all he would talk about was that the human had gotten pregnant. He hadn’t even noticed his progress. He would never admit it, but that reaction had hurt, and badly. In that moment, he had decided, that if he wanted to be perfect for his father he would need to never let something like that get to him ever again. And he had been successful, nobody had ever noticed anything.

No, that wasn’t true, his father had obviously noticed something, not the reason for the slight change, but at least the change itself.

That last conversation, it had hurt even more than the one before. The disappointment in his father’s voice, a disappointment he hadn’t understood the reason of. Had he not become everything his father had wanted him to be? He was strong and completely in control, yet he would always try to be better and stronger, to one day be worthy to lead his father’s kingdom. And what should “someone to protect” mean? It would only be a weakness to have to protect someone, wouldn’t it?

And why had his father obviously preferred the Hanyou over him? The child hadn’t even been born yet, so why would he fly to what would certainly be his death, just for it?

He hadn’t tried to stop his father, for he had been sure, that he would reconsider before it was too late. He had never thought that his father would go that far, that his father would actually… leave him alone. He had obviously been wrong. A feeling he had gotten to know very well in the years following his father’s death.

One love quashed another

If there ever was a battle

Only to discover that my heart became a matter

He was strong, had already been back then. More than anyone would have expected a child to be. Still, he hadn’t been even remotely close to being able to handle the chaos that had erupted after his father had died. He had only been a child and had already inherited an enormous empire. Naturally, many demons had tried to kill him and claim the territory as their own. They had come after him immediately after word had spread that the great lord of the western lands was dead. The only choice he had had to survive was to run. The memory made him want to shake with anger, but he suppressed it, just like he always had. Yes, he had run. That was a fact he couldn’t change anymore.

There was a slight twitch around his eyes, a movement so subtle only Rin could have been able to even notice, much less correctly interpret it. She was surprisingly observant for a child her age.

Of course he had been too, he had needed to be to survive, when he had been only a little older than her. Those first few years after his father’s death… He might have called them painful, had he actually ever talked about them. His mother had pretty much ignored his situation. Not that he had expected much, but he had thought she would at least let him remain in her approximate surroundings. Instead she had moved to her own family’s castle and told him to fend for himself.

A cloud drifted slowly over sky and covered the moon.

Another misjudgement on his part. The next had been, that he had expected, well not expected really, but at least hoped in some way to find some respite with his father’s human. It had taken him a few weeks to get out of the immediate danger zone and get rid of the demons that had noticed him flee the massacre in front of what had once been his home. When he had managed to either lose them somewhere or kill them, he had gone to the only place he had been able think of that could at least have been a place to rest, even if it would never have been truly safe. As soon as the woman had seen him, she had gasped fearfully, backed up against wall and turned around, so he couldn’t get to the bundle in her arms.

Now, years later, and as kind of parent of his own, he could understand her reaction. He had been covered in blood, some of it his own, some of it not. He must have been really a sight to behold, it was only natural that her first reaction had been to defend her child. But at that time, when he had been barely a teenager and completely exhausted and in pain, both physically and mentally, it had been just another betrayal.

After that he had not tried to get help again. He had just run, fought and tried to stay alive. Slowly the attacks became fewer until they had mostly stopped, and he had finally been able to breathe again.

And being the best, it always gets the best of me

One moment you’re on top and then the next you’re on your knees

He had thought that would be the end of it. The power vacuum had been filled, mostly with petty warlords, that had somehow managed to get control over a few villages. A part of the kingdom still belonged to his mother, not because she actively ruled, but she was the most powerful youkai in the area and the others simply tried to avoid her. A few tribes that had been loyal to his father by choice had transferred their loyalty to him, which had given him a sort of safe haven and the hope that he could retake his father’s lands.

What he had not counted on, was that with the immediate threat to his life gone, he had finally had the time to process all the things that had happened. His father’s sacrifice, his mother’s abandonment, his almost step mother’s denial and the fact that he had almost died multiple times. It had taken another two weeks, but eventually he had broken down in some forest and had sobbed through the night.

Somewhere in the distance he could hear a wolf’s howl. It was far enough away to not bother him yet, but he would have to return to the others soon, Rin would be scared.

After his little episode, he hadn’t been able to stay in the village anymore and had started his journey to get back his father’s lands. Before that he had planned to find Tetsusaiga, while he had grown considerably stronger over the course of his bloody adventure, it would have been an immense help.

Nothing feels right

On the inside

I could heal my wounds if I was godlike

Well, if he was honest with himself, that plan had already been useless when he had lost his arm, all the other times he had tried to get it were simply out of spite. That and pride, he simply hadn’t been able to accept that his father had made the sword unusable for him. Really, he still couldn’t, but there were only so many times someone could get their ass handed to them and still come back for more.

His left hand… Sometimes he was very thankful for his long sleeves, this way no one could see when his stump twitched, because he tried to use a limb that was no longer there. It was pathetic, and he knew it. He deserved it though, for letting the half breed get the better of him.

A lesser man might have scoffed or scowled at the thought or at the very least smiled bitterly, not so Sesshomaru. Nothing about his face or body posture suggested how much it still hurt him. The godlike comment became more and more ridiculous each second.

Though he was very much aware of his own limits now and could without a doubt say he was not at the level of a god, at least not yet, he also started to doubt the pedestal he had put his father on, was truly deserved. But in the end, it didn’t matter anyway. He would never get the chance to see him again and possibly revaluate his opinion. Maybe it was better that way. He had a goal to reach, he would surpass his father and become the strongest Daiyoukai the world had ever seen. Everything else came second.

That was how it was supposed to be. He had no need for petty emotions like hurt, doubt or, gods forbid, sympathy. The only emotion that could prove useful was anger. That system had worked fairly well for most of the time. He had been able to establish quite the reputation for himself as the cold-hearted killer he needed to be to prove himself worthy of being called his father’s son.

He ignored the twinge in his heart when he thought about how even his father’s old friends whom he had grown up with, now feared him.

Patience is no virtue ever worth time waiting for

For every moment spent you always close another door

Not only had they readily given up on him, they had not even found it worth it to tell Inuyasha anything else than the fact that he was dangerous. Not that he had wanted them to or had done anything to change that, but still… somehow, he had expected more.

A redundant thought, one could not expect those fools to see beyond their own fear anymore than he could be expected to suddenly start meowing.

Another howl sounded over the tree tops, this time a lot closer.

He should really get going.

He turned around and slowly walked away from the cliff into the forest, still deeply in thought.

Inuyasha… the source of a lot of his confusion. He had first met his half brother when he had only been a little boy. For some reason he had felt compelled to see the little brat his father had given his life for. They had seen each other and watched, the smaller one of them with a ball in his hands and eyes wide with awe, the older one completely composed. After that he had returned again and again without ever knowing why.

Then the boys mother had died and for some reason the whelp had thought himself entitled to something from him. How ridiculous. He had had his problems to solve even without a weak half-blood constantly running behind him. And even if he had had the time and resources, why should he take care of the little pest that had ruined his life? Just because he had been curious to see his father’s biggest mistake and had found himself unable to ignore it didn’t mean he held any affection for it, right? Of course, what a silly thought. He would have to get better control over himself again.

The next time he had seen the boy had been when he had come for Tetsusaiga.

He walked the way back. He was in no hurry. The wolves would probably not even come close to their encampment, so he was really only needed to provide Rin some comfort should she need it, Jaken would be able to handle some low life Youkai or animal. Even if some kind of threat to his pack suddenly appeared, he could be there in seconds if necessary. He could already hear Jaken screaming at Rin again, something about not eating mushrooms. He would have to make sure to hit him with a stone again when he was back.

Ah yes, his throwing skills. Another memory gone bitter with time. Throwing and kicking stones with precision had been the first thing his father had ever taught him. At his own demand, after all, he hadn’t wanted to only fetch when they were playing. Of course, that skill had become useless now. He was unlikely to be able to kill any of his opponents with stones and Rin did not exactly fall into the category of children who would enjoy playing fetch. Well, it wasn’t completely useless. Actually it was very useful for shutting Jaken up.

And being the best, it always gets the best of me

One moment you’re on top and then the next you’re on your knees

As annoying as the toad demon was, it was also refreshing to have someone around who spoke his mind and still knew how to take a hint and shut up. Even if he needed to be given the hint with a certain amount of force behind it. He had enough discipline to follow orders and not seriously question them, which was a respectable trait. Discipline had played an exceptionally important part of his own childhood. Even before his own resolution of self betterment, he had been raised to be a warrior, calculating and disciplined, and to never act rashly or impulsively.

Unlike the Hanyou whelp, who seemed to be completely incapable of ever using his brain. Really, had his mother even tried to raise him properly? He would never understand what his father had seen in the mortal. He had only really seen her once, the night of his escape. That night he hadn’t really thought about her and her behaviour, he had just been angry and hurt.

With age understanding had come and a question had wormed its way into his mind. Had the woman even known about his existence? From the way his father had talked about her, he wouldn’t have thought her to be likely to turn away a child, much less the child of her lover, no matter how horrific their attire. She hadn’t even looked twice at him, had just assumed his hostile intentions. That only allowed two possible conclusions, assuming he was correct in his deduction about her character. Either his father had told her about him as an automatic threat to her life, or he hadn’t told her about him at all. He wasn’t sure which option hurt more.

Nothing feels right

Nothing feels right

Everything’s so strange

Something’s gotta change

“Lord Sesshomaru, you’re back!” He stopped walking when he felt something enthusiastically clutch his right leg.

“I was worried, because you looked so sad when you left!”

“Rin! How dare you imply something like that! You should really show our Lord some respect! You clearly don’t understand…!”

“Jaken?”

“Yes, my Lord?”

“Shut up.”

“Yes, my Lord…” The imp almost seemed to shrink under his stare. It was always entertaining to see that.

“Lord Sesshomaru, you’re not sad anymore, are you?” She actually looked concerned and he had no idea how to answer her question. He wasn’t sad per se, but he was… unbalanced. Well, he did not need to explain himself and there was no point in upsetting her further with trying.

“No, Rin”

“Good!” She had such a sweet and innocent smile. Sometimes he wondered how he himself would have looked with such a smile. Though he most certainly wouldn’t have run around picking flowers and making flower crowns as his ward liked to do. But enough useless contemplation, he had a job to do.

“We will continue.”

“Yes, Lord Sesshomaru!” How odd, she was still smiling, even while getting Ah-Un and starting another journey she did not know the end of. And there would be an end, even if she still wanted to follow him after he beat Naraku. At some point she would want to settle down and have a family with someone. He already knew he would make sure she wouldn’t need miss anything and of course he would be very careful whom he would allow to court her. She would probably have children at some point, maybe even grandchildren, and sometime later she would die. What a strange feeling to know that. Would he take care of her children even after her death? Binding himself to a human family like that seemed like a bad idea, but for some reason he couldn’t imagine not doing it.

But why did he even care? Why did he feel the need to contemplate these things? Just because of the uneducated comment of a human? How low must he have sunken for something like that to unsettle him so much.

No matter, what had already happened was unchangeable and the future would become clear in due time. Until then he would focus on what he knew he needed to do and not waste valuable time on the past or possible.

And if he took care to spend a little more time with Rin from then on, was a little less angry at Inuyasha when they met and lost a little bit of awe for his father, then there was no one who would ever dare to point it out.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ talk to me.

date: september 2020.

location: ash’s shared studio w/ his npc Producer Crew^TM / ash’s apartment studio.

word count: 1,816 words.

summary: -

triggers no triggers for this one! let’s celebrate that!

notes: creative claims verification. appearance by npc Producer Crew^TM friend erin. mentions of san at the end.

ash isn’t planning on starting work on a new song when inspiration sparks. he’s working on the opener for his album, in fact, talking to kyung and kiha and erin about their experiences with break-ups to better grasp the negative, angry emotions he needs for that when a conversation with erin pries inspiration out of him.

their conversation has been as pleasant as ever, but not all that helpful in his mission to write a song about anger and resentment when she pipes up with a suggestion. “if you need other people to explain to you the feelings to write about for the song you’ve been working on, why not try something from a perspective you know better? what are your break-ups usually like?”

“what do you mean? they’re, uh, well, usually they’re sad.”

erin’s lip twitches and ash knows she’s holding back a laugh out of respect for his emotions. she doesn’t have to. ash is well-aware his answer had failed to give much by way of the kind of answer she’s looking for, but there’s a reason he works alone more often than he works with others on his lyrics. it’s a hell of a lot easier to put words down when he’s talking to himself than when he’s explaining himself to someone else. there’s more pressure there to make sense because even if the lyrics can be revised either way, like this, someone else still has to hear the mumble of keywords and half-thoughts that he gets the opportunity to hide away when he’s by himself.

“musically. if you had to describe the feeling musically, what would it be like? here.” erin pushes the keyboard that’s sitting in front of her over into ash’s direction and gives him an expectant look. use the music, not your words, she’s saying, and ash bows his head in a silent exchange of thankfulness that she’s found the solution before he’d had the chance to think of it.

ash’s fingers idle over the keyboard as he sorts his thoughts into categories in his head. he’s unaware of the time ticking by, whether it’s milliseconds or a handful of seconds at a time, but given the chance to process his own recollections, he eventually presses down a chord on the keyboard and then a second. it’s only the beginning of a bare bones chord structure, but in a short time, he’s created something, which is more than he could say he’d gotten from the talk he’d already had with kyung searching for answers.

he’s not even bothered that he’s been sent off track from the song he’d come here to write because his head is now swimming with fragments of his past instead of attempts at constructions of events he himself hasn’t experienced. this comes so much more naturally, writing from what he knows instead of what he has to teach himself. some might say that makes him a stagnating songwriter because he finds so much contentment in his own comfort zone, but he’s not much bothered by it as his eyebrows smash together and erin gives him an encouraging hum from where she sits a few feet away from him.

“this is right after a break-up,” ash claims, now having little trouble explaining what’s on his mind as long as he preludes it with notes and rhythms. he stops for a moment, then shakes his head. “no, this is right after a fight. you’re not sure whether it’s a final break-up or not or if you’ll be able to make up in the morning like nothing happened. it’s that night when you go home with only the freezer burn from a cold shoulder to hold onto and you stare up at the ceiling, unable to think about anything but the person you’re afraid of losing.”

when he looks up from the keyboard to erin’s round eyes this time, he’s not met with her telling him he doesn’t need to waste time explaining or an offer of her own opinions and thoughts like he expects. instead she remains silent, a supportive nod and softly smiling eyes her only response to his fragmented ramblings.

ash takes it as his cue to continue and his two chords grow into four interwoven series of notes pressed into the keyboard that grow more spaced out the more times he plays them to let them marinate in his mind. the emptiness in between is the distance between two lovers after a spat and he weighs out the beats in between for the best match to the feeling of being too far to touch but too close to ignore.

never in ash’s experience has fighting been a critical necessity of a relationship. kyung had mentioned to him, in his gruff and distanced voice in the few words ash had been able to get out of him before being told to go elsewhere, that two people aren’t meant to be together if they don’t have the passion to fight and ash had held his tongue from countering back that that sounded like an awfully toxic mindset to have.

ash has certainly had relationships that had burned out on the wick of fight after disagreement after argument, but there have been relationships that had ended due to unignited differences and ones that had ended due to unexplained silence and others that had ended in a simple agreement that everything wasn’t working.

his last relationship had ended with a quiet fizzling flame that ash had had the job of extinguishing. they’d never had a major fight in the two years of their relationship, and yet, they hadn’t been meant to last forever, so were fights a good sign or a bad one? kyung might not have been wrong after all. is the threat of losing something what someone needs to realize that’s what they want? it could be. almost certainly, that isn’t the case for every love story out there. none of the love stories he’d thought he’d been a part of, but ash ruminates silently on the thought for a long time, his fingers testing out progressions and melodies in the quiet of the room that it seems erin is happy to facilitate.

at some point, erin sets to work silently on a notebook, the two existing silently in their own worlds until they briefly cross again when ash asks if she can pass him over a guitar that had been propped up to the side of the studio.

when erin begins to pack her things up, ash’s attention is pulled away from the computer he’s now stationed himself at to turn his experiment into a song.

“are you leaving?”

“mhmm, it’s getting late. you should head home soon, too. get some sleep. or pretend to, for the sake of my concern for your sleeping habits.” the signature soft smile negates any forcefulness ash might have read into her words if she was anyone else.

“yeah, i’ll try. thanks, erin. i’ve got a new idea thanks to you.” he’d still have to find kiha and talk to him for the more pressing song at hand, but ash isn’t so bothered by the detour from the road he’s traveled down. “you’re a real one.”

a small extension of her smile is the response gets and she lowers her head in place of a verbal goodbye before breezing out of the studio door.

_____________________________________________________________

ash has other songs he needs to work on, but the one he’d started in the studio with one prompt from erin remains on his mind and he makes his way through the process of crafting it faster than almost any other song on his docket.

the track is complete when he only has a few of the lyrics ironed out, but once he sits down and sets his mind to it, those come to him without much trouble, too. the words that come to him lean into pleading, but gentle. desperation all built up through the act of loving and not wanting to lose.

it becomes a foil to that troubling song he’d started off the journey intending to write, not in happiness in contrast to anger or acceptance in contrast to resentment, but in honesty in place of denial and offer of understanding in place of refusal to admit wrongdoing. it’s almost seductive, he notices to himself one night. the way he’s chosen to put it together and the instruments he’s used aren’t too different from what he’s done with songs about intimacy in the past, but this song is more about the absence of intimacy than the wonders of it.

even as it grows more hopeless as the song goes on, ash tells himself the story isn’t written with an ending. it will remain up to the listener to decide if he’s asking for something he can never have or if persistence is a core virtue in love. the sensuous vocals and the despairing lyrics. much like in mending a broken relationship, the two come together in a sour-sweet contrast meeting somewhere in the middle for the truth.

it’s only late in the process that ash considers the idea of putting another voice on the song. he hadn’t wanted any features on his albums when he’d started. the idea is supposed to be to make this an album that’s completely his, touched by others’ whims and stylings only in ways he truly can’t avoid, but the second verse keeps nagging him as if it wants to be something he’s not letting it become. it has potential for more than he’s given it.

he restructures the song with the idea of another voice before he contacts anybody, but the more he finetunes the section where he can hear another voice, the more he begins to hear one specific other voice.

ash hasn’t written for san since they’d worked together for the creation of the other man’s album earlier in the year, but something about working with him had stuck with ash so that san’s voice is the only one he can hear taking the place of his own. their styles aren’t so far off, especially when they each lean more into their respective r&b-tinged natures, so he trusts san can handle the vocal delivery as he wants it.

the only thing in his way is his own pride. he wants an album to call entirely his own, but nothing makes it worth following his own artistic ego over remaining true to what his artistic mind tells him is meant to be, so he pulls up san’s number in his phone and sends him a text without any foreword.

hey, i have a song i’m working on for my next album and i think your voice might be just what it needs. take a listen and let me know what you think. it’s the second verse that i was feeling your voice for.

[milja-svartur]

LFRP - Milja Svartur

She's in that femme fatale territory; A captive slave who's been recently liberated and has acquired a taste for blood in the process. Very familiar with being objectified in the past, Milja now utilizes this to her advantage to exact vengeance/catharsis. Having been swept up into the throes of a traveling caravan known as "The Hiraeth Haj" early on, she had been initiated into a life of crime practically from the moment she left the Wood.

Presently on the payroll for Reign Enterprises, Milja is a self trained healer who picked up on a great deal of Astromancy during her years with the Hiraeth Haj, and is surprisingly adept with maiming as much as she is with mending. Reputed to be very sweet, pleasant, and polite, direct interactions may reveal there's a lil somethin'-somethin' off. While often flirtatious, she can occasionally seem naive about the world around her, and has been described as "unhinged"

"You've been kind enough to take me under-wing, but I am afraid I do not have a singular answer-- I desire to help as much as hurt, heal as much as maim-- but I am selective in both. I can don a smile amidst a house on fire with the best of 'em. Should you demand it, I could stroke an ego as well as a cock; But even I have my limits, and I can say with certainty that is far exceeding them."

The Basics ––– –

Name: Milja Svartur. City name: “Cherry Blossom”

Age: 33

Birthday: 4th Sun of the 5th Astral Moon

Race: Viera, Veena

Gender: Cis Female

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Marital Status: Withheld

Server: Balmung

Alignment: True Neutral, though may occasionally present as Chaotic Neutral.

Physical Appearance ––– –

Hair: Glossy bone white interspersed with a deep mauve-pink

Eyes: Dilute amaranthine, like Althyk Lavender

Height: 5 fulms, 8 ilms

Build: Bodacious: lean with ample feminine curves

Distinguishing Marks: She wears a collection of faded scars like souvenirs. They riddle her body, though are not terribly noticeable without looking closely. While she has no permanent tattoos, Milja is often marked with elaborate henna patterns on her hands.

Common Accessories: She typically wears any variation of gold collar, of which she has a perpetually growing collection of. While not an accessory, she favors wearing dark make-up and accentuates it with gilt and gold dust powders.

Personal ––– –

Profession: Employee of Reign Enterprises: Seduce and Destroy most of the time, but eye candy for the rest of it. Escort for hire.

Hobbies: Writing haikus, indulging in various cultural events, all sorts of entertainment, singing, gathering herbs, gutting men like fish, baking, eating at various establishments, and working with her hands.

Languages: Eorzean Common, fluent in body language.

Residence: A small apartment in the Mist, though she’s at home enough out in nature.

Birthplace: Othard, Skatay Range

Fears: Disappointing those she values the opinion of, ever finding herself in captivity again, one-sided relationships, being useless or insignificant, Leeches, and to a lesser extent, Crocs.

Relationships ––– -

Spouse: None

Children: None

Parents: Kaja (Mother), Styr (Father)

Siblings: None (at least none that she is aware of.)

Traits ––– -

* Bold your character’s answer.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between /  Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Additional Information ––– –

Smoking: No, thank you.

Drugs: Hard pass.

Alcohol: Will indulge socially, exclusively in the presence of those trusted. Finds excessive drinkers to be weak in character.

Historic Information ––– –

Milja was a child of the Wood in a Veena tribe which settled high in the Skatay Range during the Garlean occupation of Dalmasca. Being a very traditional tribe, rather than be exiled and bring shame to her kin, she voluntarily elected to leave and go out into the world to experience other places, people, and cultures at 25 years old. Within the first few months she was swept up into the throes of a traveling caravan in Othard by a Roegadyn named Ous, lured with sweet promises he could hardly deliver on. Essentially Ous and his lackeys were land pirate con-men, gamblers, slavers; Criminals who were known in various circles between The Far East and Eorzea as "The Hiraeth Haj".

What began as a consensual relationship was revealed to be something else shortly after embarking on her journey, and young Milja was essentially held captive, circumscribed to a life not her own and hid away from the world under less than pleasant circumstances. At 33 (recent/present), the particular caravan she was associating with was targeted by Reign Enterprises, which Milja believed had been employed to deal with the travelers by some organization or another, surely miffed by one of their many transgressions. During this exchange, the vardo where Milja resided went up in flames, and she was extracted by Dravitus, head of Reign Enterprises, where she has been employed since. As for the circumstances surrounding the events of her liberation; Very little information is known, save for the hushed rumors which circulated upon her enlistment into Reign Enterprises and have since settled down.

Find more information, art, and aesthetics - https://milja-svartur.tumblr.com/

RP Hooks ––– –

Viera Proud: While she may no longer have as close ties to the Wood as she once held, and is contented with the life she leads now, Milja occasionally pines for the culture and kin she has voluntarily left behind. She is interested in other Viera and the circumstances which surrounded their departure (or continued connection) to the Wood.

Seduce & Destroy: Comfortable in her own skin, Milja tastefully flaunts what she has and will utilize feminine wiles as a means to an end. As an employee of Reign Enterprises, she engages in less than decent exchanges (up to a point) to advance initiatives as they may benefit her employer, but she will also engage in more recreational exchanges.

Teacher’s Pet: Opportunities to bring new (illicit) business and forge connections with other criminal contacts for Reign Enterprises brings Milja the biggest rush. Looking for business opportunities? Share your pitch. She’s more than happy to lend a long, fluffy ear, and perhaps even a hand.

Unwitting Savior: Milja is, by nature, empathetic and nurturing. She is also subtly sadistic, which results in a taut dichotomy that primes her to fill the role of someone’s errant heroine. Your character is in a tight place? Being abused or taken advantage of? Is subjected to the whims of a badguy™? Call Miss Milja-- service with a sadist’s smile.

Bad Girl with a Good Heart: While she may engage in criminal activity, enjoy brutalizing, dress like a high class harlot, and is capricious as they come, she is is loyal to the core. Milja is a good ol’ fashioned ride or die lady (you heard it right, underneath what very little clothing she wears, she is, in fact, a proper lady) who looks out for those she cares for while operating under her own set of conditions: doing bad things for the right reasons.

OOC/Contact Information  ––– –

I am happy to entertain walk-up RP in game, but can also be found on discord (Poufkin#5707) or through tumblr: https://milja-svartur.tumblr.com/!

Veteran RPer who is new to the FF scene. How I have avoided this inevitable fate for as long as I have is beyond me.

Multi-para RP preferred... occasionally slow. I am sorry!

EST time zone, usually available after 8PM or on weekends. Also work full time. Also am a grad school student. 😬

Really friendly, kinda shy, derpy, and harmless. Please don’t hesitate to reach out!