#thank god for therapy and self awareness

[impish-baby]

Hey, could I have more HIWTHI content please? Possibly with them finding out reader would write in their journal a lot, possibly hinting towards reader having large amounts of self worth issues, and instead of them leaving because no one notices them, reader left because they feel like a burden?

I’m particularly interested in Marcus and the twins reacting.

Also, please make sure to take care of yourself. I love all of your writing, but no one will ever blame you for taking a break. Also, please stay hydrated.

-🌙

👀 close to something that would happen canonically actually!!

HIWTHI cast's reaction to reader's journal

(Trigger warnings: reader's struggles with self worth, mentioned/referenced suicide)

Marcus feels like a complete and utter failure as a father. No matter how cold or stern he is with his children, he does love all of them with everything in him. So the fact that you feel like a burden? That you felt like a waste of space in your own home? He hangs his head in shame.

Doesn't even bother with asking why you didn't speak up, he's well aware that this is his own shortcoming. It's his fault, that's the simple truth of the matter.

Once you are back home, you're required to start therapy. He'll even let you do in person instead of online if you promise to actually give it a shot, Marcus legitimately wants (needs) you to get better. He has no delusions of their being an overnight change, and so he tries to go at your pace.

There's lots of long conversations, firm reminders that you are loved and of value no matter what. Especially at night, he'll sit at the end of your bed and tell you how much you mean to him. He'd go on until he's blue in the face if that's what it takes for you to believe his words.

Clara refuses to believe what she's read for a long while. She knows it's real, she has the proof held in her hands. Just... her child, her baby, was struggling with almost the same thing she was. And she didn't know. She didn't know and now they're gone.

If she wasn't worried about reader before, she's actually terrified now. The worst outcome is going through her mind, because really, what was stopping you from doing something dangerous? Clara is constantly eyeing the news, fear eating her alive.

The next time she sees you, you're getting the tightest hug. The woman sobbing into your shoulder, thanking whatever higher being that her baby is safe.

You aren't allowed to have sharp objects, unportioned medication, or anything that could be used to harm one's self anymore. Clara doesn't care, she's not leaving a chance. She knows what it's like being in that state of mind. She'll be dammed if she doesn't start acting like a mother should and protecting her child.

Jack is bawling his eyes out right away. The pen ink in your diary smudging as his tears hit the paper. You...oh god..

He feels like the shitiest person on earth, he doesn't deserve to call himself an older brother. He knew Jaiden had his struggles, and now this..

He pockets the journal. Jack reads it as some form of punishment. You suffered with this, he'll suffer with it too. When you're back home, he's trying his best to include you in everything.

Movie nights, board games, he comes up with anything and everything so you can spend time together. See? He has fun with you, he likes hanging out with you, you aren't a burden..

Theo feels bitter, resentful. At your parents, at themselves, at the fact that you felt that way. His resolve to find you becomes ten times stronger, there isn't a single doubt in their mind that you need to come home.

Much like Marcus, they'll affirm how much you're loved and wanted any chance they get. Theo cages you in their arms and mumbles praises for what feels like forever. They'll even go into morbid detail about how everyone fell apart while you were gone just to prove how needed you are.

Jaiden is tempted to rip the pages out. He goes through a rollercoaster of emotions.

At first, he's pissed. That you didn't say anything, that you didn't do anything to get help, that you just sat there and felt fucking miserable for years-

He's ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed.

It feels.. awkward between you. Jaiden stares constantly, like he's never seen you before. When he finally breaks down sobbing, he's willing to beg at your feet if you'd forgive him for being such a horrible big brother

[queenothegeeks]

Awkward creator Drabble

Awkward creator drabbles part 2 

If you have any ideas for characters you want to see, put it in the comments, or send in an ask. (Warning, this was written before Arlecchinos release, so pls be nice.)

After arriving in Teyvat, you had gotten swarmed with letters asking you (the creator) to come to everything under the sun. Plays, meetings, weddings, requests from all sorts of nobel and rich people, but you always declined. Not only because you knew you would freak out and be awkward, but because you didn’t feel like you would fit into that high-end and stuffy air, where everyone is trying to outdo one another, whether it be with their outfits, their hair, their gold and gems, and their property. But what happens when you get a letter you can’t refuse? 

*Arlecchino edition*

When you got a letter that was sealed with the familiar mark of the Fatui, your heart skipped a beat. Up until now, everything had all been from people you didn’t know, and therefore, in your mind, were not powerful enough or important enough to care about going to meet with them. But Fatui, as you know, was not someone you should ignore. But, instead of a message requesting a fight from Childe or a meeting request from the Tsaritsa herself, it was a mere invitation to a tea party the Knave was holding. 

Deciding to respond, you picked up your quill (you still didnt know how to use it properly), you wrote a letter back to the knave, hoping it sounded professional enough, accepting her invite, and detailing how excited you were, while also asking if there would be any others attending that you should be aware of, and if there was a dress code (god forbid you show up in sweatpants to a formal event). 

A few days later, you got a letter back. It stated that you should “wear whatever felt comfortable” (whatever that means) and that it would be just the two of you, along with a few guards, though they were mostly going to be there for show. Obviously, you took “dress comfortably” as a “you must not have a hair out of place” and panicked slightly, worrying about what to wear. After tearing your closet apart, a mental breakdown or two, and a one way therapy session with a stuffed animal a random kid had given you, you set out.

 (Imagine whatever outfit you want, bc i want to remain gn and be comfortable for everyone) 

When you arrived, your jaw hit the floor. “A simple gathering” my foot! You suddenly felt very self conscious, picking at your outfit and nails, feeling out of place. You were led in by a masked guard, who brought you to a room with 2 massive couches, and more food than you could reasonably eat on a table in between them.

“The knave will be here shortly. She thanks you in advance for your patience, she is merely checking the perimeter of the building. Enjoy your tea party” 

They said, quickly leaving the room, presumably to return to their place guarding the building. 

“Thanks, you too!”

Realizing what you said, you were suddenly very glad they left as fast as they did. After waiting for a little while, Arlecchino walked in, not a hair out of place, walking with purpose.

“Thank you for waiting for your grace. I had some…issues that needed to be taken care of.”

“It's not a problem at all!” 

You quickly interjected.

“Pardon my question, but was there a specific reason you wished to meet with me?”

“Do I need a reason to speak with the creator, and thank them for all they have done for this world? Or a reason to hopefully make an alliance?” She said,

“Nononono- not at all. It was just because I know back where I’m from, you would use tea time as a way to get important information across. With the prophecy approaching and everything, I was wondering if that's why you called upon me.” 

“You would be correct. I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised you agreed to meet with me, considering you haven’t met with anyone else, no matter how important.”

You tensed a bit, not liking her tone. It wasn’t threatening, but it seemed like she knew more about you than the fact you hadn’t met with other people. Wait a minute…how did she know that?

“How did you know that?”

“Know what?”

“You said I haven't met anyone else. You aren’t wrong, I haven’t. But the public doesn’t know that. In fact, one glance at any newspaper, and it's boasting about how “the creator themself was there”.  

You started to ramble, your brain not worrying about being high end or fancy. The only thing on your mind was piecing together the information, just like how you would whenever a new genshin trailer or quest would come out. 

“The only way you would have the truth would be if you were hella good at catching someone in a lie or just calling bs, which I know you are, or that you assigned people to watch me, which, using the information I have about you based on stuff from my world, wouldn’t be that far off. The House of the Hearth is very versatile, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to say you could implant your children, and- you're smiling.” 

“I didn’t truly know if you hadn’t met with anyone else. I was mostly seeing if you would reveal any information about these nobel’s if you had, if you were any good at lying that you had or hadn't gone, or, seeing if you would reveal things you knew about me, thereby showing the extent of your knowledge about this world and its people. Now, back to the topic from before, now that I know you are aware of who I am, tell me, what's going to happen to Fontaine, and how do I save it?”

Oh sh*t. 

[artsekey]

Hey op, art therapist here, responding to your comic about your first ever session in therapy-

And oh my *GOD*- I am SO sorry that was your first experience. I’m absolutely dumbfounded the therapists behavior. And to find out in notes she was 15 minutes late?? I sincerely hope you have found or find a better therapist. That is absolutely ridiculous

I see a therapist and my therapist LOVES when I come in with a list of things and reasons why I think it’s going on. As a therapist- i know it helps you develop better self awareness when you write down what’s going on in the moment to help reflect on it (as someone with ADHD its primarily to help me remember lol.) So that initial response from that therapist was super weird and to say “it’s not my process???” For insight- UM!!!?!? WHAT’!?!? THATS YOUR JOB IS TO GIVE INSIGHT!?!?

As a therapist I’m so upset for you that’s just so ridiculous. You coming in knowing exactly what you wanted and with everything ready is honestly every therapists dream. It’s okay to not have a goal yet or ever- but it just shows how “on it” you are and how you want to be an active member in your treatment. Good on you op seriously.

Sorry to rant in your ask- I just fuckin love my job so much and seeing other therapists fuck around like this makes me livid. Keep doing you op! I hope you found/find a better therapist!! You got this!!

Thank you for this! Honestly, I'm really glad I posted that comic. I'd been thinking about going for years just to "tidy up", as it were-- I firmly believe that therapy can be good for anyone, no matter the scope of the problem. A lot of people have encouraged me to keep looking, and that's largely why I think I will-- It was a lot for me to make and go to this appointment, and because I have no other perspective on therapy, the whole experience reaffirmed my suspicions that what I want to work on might be "too small" to bother with (and/or too niche). I really can't overstate how her last comment about the fact that I put my needs aside contributed to a "net good" would've obliterated me a few months ago!

I'm not going to get into the weeds about it because at that point it's personal, but the comics honestly don't do it justice; it was like she took every one of my concerns, ignored them in favor of what she thought was the direction we needed to go in, blew past every "exit" sign I put on the road to get us back on track. It was infuriating.

[smilepilled]

hi sorry to share my insane intersex propaganda but. mizuki akiyama? hyperandrogenism PCOS intersex transgirl to me. very much so. i care her... oh my god this is just me projecting im sorry.

CONTENT WARNING FOR TRANSPHOBIA, INTERSEXISM, BULLYING/MISTREATMENT, DEATH (mentioned; almost death), AND GENDER DYSPHORIA. this will include my own experiences, so please be normal.

born "seemingly female", raised as a girl (ATTEMPTEDLY). grew up developing "masculine traits" because of high androgen levels — a lot of body hair, lotsa strength, deeper voice. very masculine in her preteens, so treated very confusingly (and harshly) during that time. her cis perisex female peers treated her as "too manly" to be with them, while the cis perisex males treated her as "still too girly" to be with them... social isolation; eventually people treated her like a "thing", adults included.

that obviously led to a lot of guilt, shame, frustration, anger, and so so many other things. she got therapy, encouraged by her truest friends; it wasn't the best, but with self acknowledgement && self awareness, she learned how to tend to herself the way she needed for so long; self care, self love — she learned to love, not others, but her very self.

growing up, she "transfem maxxes" in order to reclaim her stolen feminity and gender. still struggles with gender dysphoria, but fiercely wants to find her own joy, being herself. a long process involving grief, denial, a sort of "rebirth", and near-death experiences — she utmostly came to accept herself despite all she's been through. her trans friends call her "double trans", lovingly of course, for her fierce story.

HEY!!! READ THIS: this is a headcanon post!!! its not canon, im aware! im projecting here! this is a real transfem's experiences! DO NOT act shitty!!! you WILL be punted!!! respect intersex trans people! thanks :D

likes the label mesosex, considers herself trans & cis; often treated as cis (nowadays), ironically (she often scoffs it, and feels angry about it). very supportive friends (duh!), is slowly regaining control over her sense of self. in a long process of healing, surrounded by people who love her as she is; a lovely moth out of her cocoon, surrounded by many fireflies.

【 💛💜💛💜💛 × 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵 】

[raviollies]

Also since what happened in the timeskip was left entirely ambiguous I get to write my own stuff:

> Daee's mental health was already suffering by the end of inquisition due to feeling betrayed by Blackwall, Clan Lavellan being killed, Dorians departure for Tevinter and the shaky situation of Inquisition. By the end of Tresspasser he is at his lowest due to the revelation of the Elven gods and Solas, losing a limb, losing access to magic due to the anchor destabilizing his mana flow, corrupt nature of Inquisition and Dorians possible departure. There were points where he contemplated ending it.

He was forced to spend several weeks on bed rest due to the injury, which led to deconditioning and weight loss due to mostly sleeping, leading to needing physio therapy to aid with walking.

Due to this Dorian postponed his return to Tevinter to aid in his recovery. It was a fairly unpleasant process for both; Daee feeling profoundly ashamed of needing help with basic tasks (bathing, walking, brushing his hair) and feeling like a burden on the bright Magister who could be changing things and is instead playing caretaker, and Dorian for seeing a loved one so self hating and physically ill. The recovery takes a long time, but they do make it through, but it's a bumpy ride. Eventually Daee does get to a more stable place mentally but he certainly isn't the same as he was before, and holds a deep grudge against Solas, because it's easier to place blame all on one person. Daee cannot thank Dorian enough for all that he did.

Once his body stabilized he regains the ability to cast. Because of Well of Sorrows, his mana regains much faster, and his aging is slowed considerably but neither notice it yet.

> Once Dorian departs for Tevinter, Daee travels the south to explore old Elven ruins to gleam any information on the gods and Solas and hunting any Venatori he finds along the way, gaining the moniker of "Demon of the South". Dorian is immensely proud and though he can't say who he's in a relationship with he swaggers a bit past Venatori in Minrathous.

> They visit each other frequently through an Eluvian. Dorian works hard at the magisterium to one day be able to show Daee Minrathous proper at his side. While visiting Daee sticks to his estate due to the danger being outside poses, as both the Inquisitor and a young elf. On occasion Dorian and him will take a walk at night in low traffic areas, with Daee wearing a cloak to conceal his ears, particularly to watch fireworks on Holidays. Dorian hopes he's alive long enough to see a free Tevinter and they can enjoy festivals together. No one knows of their relationship, not even Mae or the Shadow dragons, though that's to avoid of getting a target painted on them, as they are safer the less they know. Only people aware are Varric and Vivienne.

> They did have a brief vacation to Antiva as a sort of "honeymoon" though for obvious reasons they are not officially married. They hope to return for the 10 year anniversary.

> Dorian does attempt to learn Elvhen but obviously struggles. It brings Daee great joy never the less. After meeting Mae and some of the Shadow dragons, Daee attempts to learn some Tevene, though with equal fumbling. The first things Dorian teaches him are swear words (but technically the first word he learned is "Amatus")

> Dorian commissioned a fancy prosthetic for Daee with full articulation. Though it requires Daee to use magic consistently for it to properly work, it is designed with a mage in mind, and is not a dramatic drain on mana. It is properly fitted with measurements to be that of his right arm. Though he cannot cast with that arm, Daee had been teaching himself to cast with his right arm, and carry the staff in his left.

> They decided that if they're both alive after the events of Veilguard, to find a quaint place in the woods, far from others and adopt (an Elven child, ideally from an Alienage or Tevinter.) Dorian feels as though he's imparted a lot to the Shadow dragons and they can handle themselves, and can work with the Magisterium from a distance, and using Eluvians to travel.

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E12: Fire

Case: An incel played by Mark Sheppard is lighting people (and things, but we're more concerned about the people) on fire, and they can't figure out how he's doing it. This case is brought to Mulder's attention by his toxic British ex, Phoebe (who, as far as Mulder's exes go, is way more charismatic than Fowley so -shrug emoji-), and the two of them go off to Massachusetts to stop some rich British people from being barbecued. Half the people in this episode are weirdly horny, especially the fire expert guy at the Bureau who sounds like he's in the process of getting off when he describes pictures of fire. Mark Sheppard kicks a dog. Mulder literally says the words, "That's one of the luxuries to hunting down aliens and genetic mutants—you rarely get to press charges," so at least they're self-aware. Also, he's terrified of fire and apparently "cursed" with a photographic memory—I'm pretty sure neither of these things ever come up again. Meanwhile, the only person doing any actual FBI work is Scully. Thank god for her.

Does someone die in the cold open: Ah, yeah. Death by psychic immolation. Not the nicest way to go.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, but he does get practical joked into thinking he's about to die in a car bombing. Take note, Youtube pranksters.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: The most damning evidence is Incel Mark Sheppard himself, and while he's definitely a little crispy, he makes it to the end.

Whodunit: Incel Mark Sheppard

Convictions: Incel Mark Sheppard will face prosecution once he's done applying aloe to his burns. They are kind of not sure how to do that given that he can light literally anything flammable on fire with his mind. If it was 2024 they'd just do a Zoom call, but alas.

Did they solve it: Yes!

[how do i determine if an episode is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Forced exposure therapy.

Do you need to suffer from a convenient phobia that is relevant to your current situation in order to provide suspense to your plotline, but you also don't want to have to ever bring it up again in your general narrative arc as a whole? Get rid of it quick with forced exposure therapy!

Forced exposure therapy works by having you speedrun the entire therapy process by putting you in a life or death scenario where you have no choice but to face your fears. Tired of being afraid? Well throw yourself into that burning building and learn to become brave, once and for all!*

*Forced exposure therapy may worsen phobias in some individuals, potentially resulting in the development of moderate to severe post-traumatic stress disorder. Do not put yourself into life or death scenarios without first speaking to your doctor to see if forced exposure therapy is right for you.

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 5 (that's two in a row! new best streak!!)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, it's me" phone calls: 1 (oh man, we were so close two different times. first one Scully goes, "Mulder, it's Scully," and i was like, "damn," and then later she started calling him on her gigantic black box cell phone, and i was like, "ooh, here we go!" but then the call didn't go through :( )

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 4 (she was kind of the only person paying actual attention to anything this episode)

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 5 (the amount of smoke inhalation he got both times he was in the fire probably should have killed him, tbh)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 3

Total Number of Sexually Charged and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 6 (there's so much weird tension in this episode that i can't even count it all individually)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 1

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 6

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 3 ½ (giving myself half-credit bc I knew it happened in Cape Cod, but I didn't know where Cape Cod was lol)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 2 (not this episode, and i can also say with authority that this stat won't go up next episode either, bc next episode is mfing "Beyond the Sea" which is the topest of tiers of first season episodes. get hype!!!)

[mrblazeflappybird]

I have noone to talk to about this new Helluva Boss episode so you're getting subjected to my ranting

(I'm going to be talking about the end scene with Blitz and Stolas - loved the whole episode though, not my fave but definitely not my least favourite by any means)

STOLAS. MY GOD. YOU SHOULD NOT BE RELATABLE AND BECAUSE OF YOU I SHALL BE GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP ASAP.

I completely and utterly believe that both Stolas and Blitz need to get a reality check. But whilst I am certain Blitz will in the series (probably multiple times over) I'm worried Stolas won't. The most he might probably get is him getting told by Octavia that "You don't love me, you love him".

Stolas. Needs. A. Reality. Check.

I get that (as a character) his response to everything is trauma based just like Blitz. But the way he's acting is kinda like... you aren't perfect. You are messing this up just as much as Blitz is, possibly more so.

The way he and I are similar is the fact that we both do things so heavily based through our immediate feelings that we just don't take time to think about stuff, especially not in the moment. To the point that we are blind to the damage it causes.

The relationship started as a purely "no feelings" deal. Regardless of them both catching them, that was THE RULE that they both followed most the time. Obviously until they didn't. And whilst its painful and the reasons Blitz didn't do anything is because of self hatred and therapy-needing reasons most likely, he still kept to that rule.

Stolas immediately was like "Nah, I'm changing everything right now."

Yes, yes, please, if you aren't happy and know ultimately this relationship is hurting more than bringing happiness, end it. But he can't just expect Blitz to immediately understand what's going on and what to say. Its such a huge backhand that's so unexpected by Blitz that ofc he's gonna be confused and think its something its not.

But like.... Stolas just didn't listen to Blitz, didn't really let him make sense of everything, and when Blitz jumped to the (unfortunately) logical conclusion in his brain - which is both trauma AND because of this relationship's nature - Stolas was just done.

And like... I get it?? Because that's me. Bruh. Will be and have been changing my behaviour in the future. I'm aware of my flaws and thank you to my wonderful girlfriend for giving me my reality check. Very glad that I managed to listen to her... UNLIKE A SPECIFIC DEMON.

I understand that the yelling and the slamming doors down the corridor complaining about how shitty you are reminds you of your abusive ex wife, and honestly whilst you should have listened to him in an ideal world, getting yourself out of a situation you can't handle is understandable and valid. BUT - and this is important - YOU NEED TO LET HIM HAVE SOME TIME TO PROCESS. AND LET HIM TALK.

Blitz was justified in yelling in my opinion. Stolas was also justified in teleporting him away because he yelled in my opinion too. But they both need serious reality checks.

I just don't think Stolas is ever thought to be in the wrong with any of this. He should have listened and not be so impulsive with his actions. He never really thought of the reality behind it (seemingly) and was so certain that because *his* emotions and feelings change and adapt quickly along with his, like, reality and wants and needs(???), it doesn't mean Blitz's will too.

Anyway sorry for the rant lmaooooo. Was not expecting Fizz in that episode I love that little robot imp man favourite character yayyy

[transpersian]

I got to say, it has been pretty funny to watch NightWyld and Annie try to copy your style and fail miserably. They view your documents as paragraphs of incoherent ranting followed by screenshots that don’t support the conclusion of those paragraphs. Then they stamp their feet when they do the same and don’t get the results you did.

Thanks! It’s almost like I have an education and do this professionally. 😘

The idea that Night refers to his document as “scholarly” is… amazing. There’s a reason that I’ve insisted on our docs being primarily evidentiary, and why my people have trusted me to lead the writing efforts.

It’s also why I’ve never been offended at any of them calling our docs “garbage” and theirs “excellent;” the claim is so objectively wrong that it’s nothing more than funny.

And if I seem a little more caustic than usual, um… yeah. I’m done being nice about these fucking clowns. They’re pathetic and insane, and spreading genuinely harmful rhetoric.

It’s so sad to have seen Annie go from trying to be a better person to fully embracing Poppy’s approach and going “fuck it, I’m going to troll people with my shit. People find pedophilia gross, HAHAHAHA HILARIOUS”

And Night… god. Kid needs help. Seriously. They feel supported by Poppy, but they’re just being enabled and it’s making them worse. They used to be so kind and compassionate; you can see the shift in how they used to write their posts versus now.

That’s something that Poppy doesn’t understand and why she thinks that people turned on her for stupid reasons; good friends let you know when you’re going down a destructive path. There are people I haven’t let help me because it wouldn’t have been good for them; the fact that Poppy is leaning on someone so vulnerable (never mind half her age) is one of the most repugnant parts of this whole situation, imo.

They can call it “infantalization” all they want; the way that she does things is not the virtue she thinks it is. If you ask me, it’s lazy, exploitative, and selfish. As a mental health “professional,” she should know better.

They call us abuse apologists when their lack of self-awareness has led to them spreading rhetoric that genuinely normalizes abuse and victim-blaming masked as therapy-speak. They don’t see it that way, which is why it’s so harmful.

It’s why they call the Poppyamory 1 doc ridiculous: they don’t even recognize that Hayleigh was done with the relationship and that what Zena was doing was invalidating every valid concern and fear that Hayleigh had. Liana points out that “NoEh KnEw” how risky the visit would be, but conveniently leaves out how Zena talked her into going anyway.

It’s emblematic of every defense they have: everything they do is okay because it’s them doing it. When Twisty drops her DMs with me, you might see it there, too: her argument on how to end this wasn’t agreeing to a ceasefire; it was that we should just let them say whatever they want about us and not respond.

It’s so fucking stupid.

But yes, this is all my fault. 🙄

Fuck these idiots.

[ca-suffit]

Ca I'm fucking tired I swear 😭 These people will pull out 'Claudia is a stand in for Anne's daughter' 'Lestat is Stan' 'Louis is her' I EVEN FUCKING HEARD 'She wrote TOTBT after her dad died and Talbot is an incarnation of her memory for him' (real unflattering for him I guess) or how intrinsically she was connected to Lestat.

BUT GOD FUCKING FORBID, that someone brings out her statement about 14 year olds being adults when talking about the erotic depiction of Armand's sexual assault, and the complete tolerance of it from every other character, and Marius being painted as a saviour, the good master, etc. Or her saying photographs of children in Vogue were erotic.

THEN it's 'seperate the art from the artist' 'depiction isn't endorsement' WELL GUESS WHAT YOU CAN'T PICK AND CHOOSE THIS SHIT. I'm sorry that so many people formed a parasocial relationship with this woman, because her work is actually much more interesting when you're able to critique it and figure all the ways of how or why it's fucked up.

(obligatory thank you for existing Ca and welcome back, your blog is a safe haven for people who have anything to say outside of the echo chamber. 🖤)

tw: csa

the way I see a lot of how she wrote in her books and what she said on these topics in interviews is that she prbly experienced it firsthand and spent a lifetime never confronting it. that's what happens with some trauma victims, they stay locked into that mindset from being a child victim and end up repeating these justifications for shit bcuz they can't ever escape. I dislike the woman greatly and idk if I'd call it "pity" for her, but I feel some kind of something for someone who had the means to get rly extensive therapy and instead used it to lash out at ppl (her own fans a lot of the time) until she died. now her fans are repeating the same behaviors and also having no self-awareness of that, while not even having access to her wealth so even more wtf are u all doing.

it *is* a lot more insightful to question everything in these books and look at her too, which is why I was first surprised af that this didn't routinely happen when I first had awareness of this fandom too. There's plenty of ppl who do it, they just don't last long in the very public area of fandom spaces bcuz the rabid "gothic romance" types chase them all out, bcuz they can't undo their special image of her and/or look at their own trauma they're using this to escape from (or did as kids) and they make that everyone else's problem.

(also ty for the nice comments<3)

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Twenty-Seven (Part 2)

Jude is on Skype when I get to Clontarf. I hear his smooth, low voice reverberate through the walls of his bedroom and I stand there for several moments trying to gauge whether or not he’s having the kind of conversation that I can just barge in on. I hear him laugh and say something that sounds casual rather than job-interview-like, so I push through the door. 

“Oh, Evie just got here,” He says to the person on call with him, “Do you want to say hi?”

Who wants to say hi to me? I gingerly place my bag onto his chair and perch on the bed with him. A wide, round face beams at me through the screen. “Well hello there,” the woman says, “gosh, what a beautiful girl!”

“Thank you,” I say self-consciously, tucking my hair behind my ears, and Jude puts his arm around me to kiss my temple hello. “This is my girlfriend, Evie, and Evie, this is my great aunt Maureen.”

“Oh, from America,” I say, which makes her laugh for some reason. 

“Well I’m happy to know he’s mentioned me!” She says, and she has a similar accent to him, or, maybe the reverse of it. An Irish woman who held fiercely to her Dublin syllables even after decades in America, even though that southwestern twang has crept in along the edges and slowed it all down so that she doesn’t sound in a hurry anymore. I bet it’s too damn hot in New Mexico to do anything at speed, including talking. 

“When will you come and visit?” She says then, and I don’t know if she’s speaking to him or me or us both, but I let Jude answer her while I sit there and feel like an alien. Nobody knows that I just bawled my eyes out at my therapist’s office and said that I said I constantly think about dying. 

“God, we’d love to. Maybe later in the year, do you think?” Jude is saying, “You know I’ve really been missing America lately.”

“‘Cause it’s been so long since you’ve come! Come for Thanksgiving, won’t you? I think it’d be perfect with all the kids around, although, you know, I can hardly call them kids when they’ve all got kids of their own. Evie, have you ever had a thanksgiving?”

“No, Maureen, I haven’t,”

“You’ll love it. Love it,” and in case I have any doubt about how much I’ll love it she and Jude proceed to have a lengthy conversation about all the food they used to cook together, pumpkin this and pumpkin that, I’ve never had pumpkin anything, and the alien feeling intensifies. 

The conversation moves onto other things then, and I get restless when Maureen starts asking Jude about his job search. He tells her what’s been happening, the interview with a prop place near Portsmouth that he didn’t get a good feeling from, his correspondence with another studio in London, and the interview lined up for Tuesday at another, and then I wait for her to say the inevitable, which she does, “Why don’t you just come to America?”

He starts telling her why it’s not an option right now while she reminds him of all the things he used to love about it before he was ripped out of his precious homeland by his evil parents and then I get off the bed and start picking items of his clothing off the floor and folding them away. I’m aware that obsessive cleaning is what my mother does when my father has done something to piss her off, and consider the value of bringing this fact to my next therapy session with Helen. Maybe she’ll have something enlightening to say about it. 

What’s so great about America anyway? I toss a rogue sock into his hamper. What do they have that we don’t have? Aside from like, semi automatic machine guns and UFOs? There’s so much stuff on this floor. I scoop up a pile of books and plop them onto his desk. Just because he’s American doesn’t mean that he has to just go back there. Why do people keep saying that? He doesn’t want to. He wants to move to London so I can’t see why people can’t just shut up about it. He lived in Berlin for four years, for God’s sake, so why is it inconceivable that he might see himself in-

“Evie, why are you cleaning my room?”

“Hm?”

Jude snaps his laptop shut, “I don’t want you to clean my room.”

“Did you hang up on Maureen?”

“No we said goodbye,” His eyebrow twitches, “She said goodbye to you too.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear her,” I grab a Nike runner and then the other once I’ve located it under a discarded sweatshirt.

“Um, you can stop cleaning if you want.”

“Okay,” I find a place for them and stash them neatly at the bottom of the open wardrobe and feel his eyes on me. 

“You just kind of walked away mid conversation,” he points out delicately. 

“Well, it was your conversation to have. I didn’t think I was going to just, like, walk in on like that. I would have waited if I’d known. Gone for a walk along the seafront or something.”

“I didn’t know how much you didn’t want to talk to Maureen, honestly.” I glance at him and he looks hurt, which is too much to bear at the moment, so I grab a fistful of pencils and shove them back into an upturned pencil case by their side. “Evie, stop. What’s the matter?”

“Well I just had my first therapy session, and you didn’t ask about it.”

“I haven’t had a chance to, c’mere, tell me about it.”

“You knew I was there and you knew when I’d be back and you talked to your great aunt anyway.”

“She called me. I wasn’t going to not pick up on her, she doesn’t call me often.”

“Okay, well…” I can’t think of anywhere else to put my anger and end up channelling it into the zip of the pencil case, which won’t close around the pencils I’ve shoved into it even though there are way too many of them to fit. Jude has the audacity to take the whole thing out of my hand. “Stop cleaning,” he says firmly. “What is wrong? Come here, please, tell me about your session.”

“You think I’m crazy,” I say, because I’ve just been acting crazy. 

“I don’t. Come here.”

I don’t budge. 

“Evie.”

“Why is everyone insisting that you move to America?”

“What? Nobody is insisting that, why are you saying that?”

“Maureen just did.”

“She means it as a joke, she doesn’t think I’m actually going to move back, it’s just that she misses me, I suppose,” He runs his fingers through the front of his hair, “I was like her kid for a while and then I moved away, and I don’t go and visit enough, she’s just… well it’s just wishful thinking.”

“My cousin’s girlfriend said it too.”

He makes a face, “Your cousin’s girlfriend doesn’t know anything about me.”

“She knows that they make movies in LA.”

“Yeah, so does everybody, no prizes to her for that one.”

“I just think that you’re going to change your mind about London and you’re going to contact a studio in LA, it seems like an obvious thing to do.” I’m wound so tightly that I can’t even imagine trying to move my body. My hand is still frozen in a claw like it’s trying to force up the zip of the pencil case that’s now sitting on the bed out of reach, and Jude’s eyebrows fly up incredulously. “You told me to contact a studio in LA.”

“Have you done it?”

“I’m a bit afraid to say that I have.”

“Oh right.”

“For feedback. It was your idea.”

“Well you never said that you contacted them, it’s like you were keeping it a secret from me.”

“I would have if you’d given me a chance to talk to you, but you just came in here and started picking fights with me.”

“I don’t want a fight.”

“Then quit picking one.”

“How many places did you contact?”

He sighs, “Come on, Evie.” “No, how many?”

“Four, I think.”

“Four?”

“Yeah, four, and they haven’t responded yet, so there’s nothing to report back.”

“Okay, well, maybe they won’t.”

He leans onto an elbow and stares down at his nails, shaking his head, and I feel threatened by this. Is he angry with me? Disappointed?

“What?” I demand shakily. 

He purses his lips. 

“Jude, what?”

“Would you be pleased if none of the LA studios ever responded to me?”

“Would I be-”

“I mean if I sent emails to those places with a long enthusiastic letter tailored to each individual one, attached my portfolio that I’ve worked myself to the bone on for the last year, and merely asked for their feedback on it, would it make you happy if they all ignored me?”

I’m flabbergasted. That’s obviously not what I meant. “Of course I wouldn’t.”

“Okay because it just feels like you’re pretty relieved by the thought that none of them might want anything to do with me, and like, for the record, it’s not like I think I’m good enough to work for them, okay? I’m not that delusional, but at this point it feels like I’ll take any help I can get, because nothing is working out. I’ve applied for dozens of jobs this summer and I’ve heard nothing from the vast majority of them. They don’t even reply to me to say I’m not suitable most of the time, that’s how shitty they all think I am, so if the interview with that London place doesn’t pan out next week and nobody from LA comes back to me with a shred of guidance on my portfolio then I really don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s looking like I’ll end up getting some shit job in a fucking Aldi just so I have something to do with my time so it’s really great to know that you’re gunning for me to fail.” 

He flips onto his back with the heels of his hands in his eye sockets and lets out a groan of despair, “I’m not used to failure. I don’t know how to handle myself.”

I want to crumple to the floor in anguish. I am dreadful. Perhaps I should leave town and change my name and save him the effort of breaking up with me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know- I should be more supportive. I don’t want you to fail. I only want the opposite.”

“Why did you come over if you were going to be like this? I was looking forward to seeing you and hearing about your session, and now…” He trails off, but he needn’t say more because I know what he means. I’ve taken what could have been a good moment and soured it because of the inherent ways that I am. This is the first crack, I think, the moment that I will look back on and think, yes, that’s when we both knew unequivocally that I’d make him unhappy. Perhaps, I think, I should get back on the bus and go back to Helen and tell her that I’ve changed my mind and I’d like to take pills after all, because being numb and sedated seems like a nice idea all of a sudden.

“I’m sorry Jude,” I whisper again, and I perch on the edge of the bed with my back to him because I can sense he’s doing that thing he does when he’s upset, where he shuts himself off to me and builds a wall around himself, and I don’t want to see that glazed, stony look on his face ever again. 

Except he isn’t doing that. His hand is on my shoulder, “Evie, c’mere.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, can I have you?”

“Have me?”

“Yeah I just want to hold you for a while. I don’t want to be like this. I’ve had enough relationships where I fight, I don’t want it with you, please.”

This is new, I think, as he bundles me into his arms and lays down with me so that my face is nestled against his collarbone, the flutter of his breath in my hair, and there is nothing to look at so I close my eyes and breathe him in. “I’ve upset you,” I murmur.

“I’m alright, it’s just been a weird time,” he plants an almost impossibly tender kiss on the crown of my head, “and I’m edgy.” 

“I know. It’s fair enough. I really didn’t mean that I want you to fail , I want everything for you, I want you to succeed and I know you will, I think that’s why I’m scared, because the possibilities are so endless and your life could take you anywhere-”

“I don’t want anywhere I want here.”

Here feels pretty good, with our legs wound together and his heartbeat beneath my ear. The warmth and darkness he’s made for me in his arms is like a cocoon that I never want to emerge from. He squeezes me as tightly as his restraint will allow him, “Christ,” he says, “I love you so much it’s nuts.”

“I love you too.”

“It’s never like this, not with anyone else. I’ve never felt like this before. I want you to know how serious I am.”

“So intense,” I laugh into his chest and he squeezes an involuntary sound out of me and I squeak like a child’s toy. 

“I love you too much to fight with you. Let’s not do that again.”

“That’d mean I’d have to stop being insane, I think.”

“You’re not insane, don’t say that.”

“My therapist said that.”

“No she did not.”

“Okay,” I chuckle, “She didn’t.”

“What did she say?”

But I’m too cosy to go there right now. I snuggle up against him, and it’s the kind of embrace that makes it easy to forget that hardship and badness exists. “Hmm, I’ll tell you in a sec,” I promise, and bask in blissful feelings for just five more minutes. 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[luvhughes43]

i just finished binging your blake hughes au and MY GOD do i LOVE it I ADORE IT REALLY and i would like to ask the following:

first, has blake dated people before nico? if she has what would happen if they ran into an ex of hers who never really got over her? (bc lbr blake is THAT girl)

second, what are their date nights usually like? i like to think theyre pretty chill people and that they find things to do at home together like painting or making clay sculptures

third, was blake's pregnancy/delivery hard? i hope it wasnt :(( and did carrying rudi kind of mess with her back a bit? and has nico ever done the thing where the dad lifts up the belly for a bit to offer some relief?

fourth, blake and jack are twins which is the cutest thing ever! what are your personal headcanons for them as twins? and does blake have a favorite brother?

fifth, do they have more kids after rudi? or is that a long time away?

lastly, what do you think the hischier-hughes combo are up to right now?

im soso happy you love the au!! it means so much fr🫂🤍

first: blake had a summer fling with alex turcotte when they were both younger and that does cause some awkwardness with nico because he wasnt aware of their relationship before staying at the lake house. other than that we havent really discussed any other relationships ! but maybe she dates a guy for a year or two before she gets to know nico. the ex lives in nyc and he never really got over blake after they broke up (bc she is that girl🤭). blake and they ex have a few mutual friends and so maybe the ex tries to talk shit about blake and her relationship with nico. blake ends up hearing about it but she doesnt really gaf. nico gets upset about the shit talking though and gets a little possessive if they see the ex out in public. not aggressive though nico will just be extra touchy with blake which she doesn't mind one bit.

second: they are very chill ! their date nights at home usually include making dinner or dessert, painting (they've definitely done that tiktok trend where u paint your partner then do a reveal), and a little self-care spa evening🫶 when they do go out though they like to try new restaurants, see a concert in the city, dance lessons (?). i feel like blake would be obsessed with learning salsa or something and she would def make nico be her partner !

third: blake struggled with her back during her pregnancy ! she had to start PT again but nico was very helpful ! he was definitely lifting her belly, helping her with her physical therapy, etc.

fourth: jack and blake are the sassiest siblings and they 100% match each others attitude. when they were younger they'd get into arguments over literally anything but they would also forgive each other in an instant (still true once they're older). as for favourites, blake is the closet with jack and hes literally her other half but her unspoken favourite is quinn ! blake and quinn gossip like no other. on the other hand, blake babies luke soo much.

fifth (literally do not know how i missed this i’m so sorry babes): i personally think they should have one more but i’ve gotten mixed feedback… what do u guys think? because i totally see them as being a single child household but then again, they both grew up with siblings so i can see them having more babies down the line…

lastly: the hughes/hischier combo are in nyc helping blake and nico move into their first apartment ! blakes got her brothers and her bf working overtime building furniture and carrying hers & nicos things up to their apartment ! she rewards everyone with tickets to an upcoming country concert that the group had been debating on going to <3

thank u so much for the questions i really loved answering them🫂

[disruptivevoib]

Regarding my previous ask

He made a mirror that reflected all of his projective self-hatred and self-critique back at him in an effort to try and succeed at therapy where your therapist is you. (You but in the mirror, the mirror which reflects everything you give it, the everything you give it being what you perceive yourself as, being what you want, all of that. Being what you hate most or what you might love most hating you.)

and he sat in that mirror for like three months as he systematically dismantled his own self-perception in order to rebuild it (he failed, because the mirror got broken, thank god. It would've been very very bad had he continued down that path. He would've been shattered into a bunch of different facets of his self-perception otherwise and mentally drowned in himself, basically.)

It's a big metaphor (is it even a metaphor??) for over-introspection and self-analysis/awareness.

[eerna]

waiit does tsh try to make oak out to be the bad guy though? i thought it was just suren spiralling towards the end, also throughout the book she constantly seems like she's going to burst even without any provocation she keeps saying completely normal stuff like "if i unravel whatever will come out will be all teeth" and in queen annets ball she was resisting the urge to snap her teeth at everyone i think 😭 wishing her love and therapy ahead

(although on the other hand there's something about explaining suren's actions as "she just went crazy" that bothers me and it's that it takes away agency from her because throughout tsh a lot of people say she barely did anything by herself though in my opinion i don't really mind girl was having her own issues lmao..and she did free hyacinthe all on her own. so. tbh sometimes i just think it's people wanting her to be jude 2.0 though the thing is jude is this self serving girlboss in almost everyones heads even though...yk. gestures to all 3 tfota books. yk.)

Wait. Actually. I went back to reread the final scene because I didn't remember it too well so that I can answer this ask properly, and I think I changed my mind??? He keeps apologizing for not telling her, but that is not what is upsetting her. She's pissed because he was actively using her as a voiceless pawn while keeping the secret. She knows she is useful to him, just as she was to her parents as a child - mute, tame, simply existing so everyone else can play their games until they tell her to strike. She is nothing like Jude, who had to fight for the right to exist, and that is a good thing because I would not be willing to read a spinoff where the MC is just Jude 2.0 (and you're right, JUDE isn't even like the Jude that lives in the fandom's heads lol). Suren is very aware her agency is basically nonexistent, and that Oak is playing a part in taking it away from her. He truly loves her, but he absolutely did NOT avoid triggering her insecurities throughout the book (the bridle trick.... oh my god the bridle trick) so no wonder she gets so upset when she finds out he'd committed the ultimate sin of dehumanization against her. Like you said, she was already hanging on by a thread when he'd found her, but I don't think it's insanity she was trying to avoid, but giving into the violence she was raised on. She's already convinced she is unlovable and violent and horrible, and killing her mother allowed her to lean into the urges instead of trying to stifle them to render herself more approachable.

I think I was wrong. Sure, Oak absolutely did the correct thing in not telling her as it would have only made the situation worse, BUT I can also see where she's coming from and how all the little cruelties he'd committed before that moment added up to her reaction. He IS the bad guy in the situation, just not for the reason he thinks. Thank you anon for sending me on this road of acceptance

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

HI okay so i finally watched the new ted lasso episode and i’m. holy shit. i have so many thoughts.

- COLIN! MY LOVE! most of my thoughts revolve around him tbh,, i am so fucking thrilled that he’s finally getting his gay storyline. while some parts of it are being handled… questionably, it’s still such a good feeling to have thought a character is queer for so long and then get it confirmed. i’ve always loved colin but god my love for him has just skyrocketed,,, there were so many things that just make me so sad for him, from the hiding his face with sunglasses, to having to laugh off jokes about being gay, to the whole chameleon bit, to his mantra, to him having to introduce his boyfriend as his wingman….. it’s all devastating and i want nothing more than for him to be able to be out and be loved and accepted by everyone. someone please give this boy a hug.

- speaking of boys who need hugs….. jamie 🥺my forever love…. he was so good this episode and i just felt so bad for him. he’s become so self-aware though and i love it!! also he is so incredibly well-acted that it makes me insane… the little things like how he fidgets with the bottom of his shirt when he’s nervous or upset and how he flinches constantly… he makes me sad and i adore him. also his earrings were hot and he’s so bisexual.

- and my third love, trent….. i am so so nervous for next week but i’m leaning towards being hopeful. he was amazing in this and i love him and his gay little stares and poses and princess diaries enthusiasm. i don’t think he’s going to out colin, and i honestly wouldn’t be worried at all if it weren’t for the ominous-as-fuck song choice at the end. also? i?? briefly entertained the fact that if they don’t go the shitty outing someone route, they very well could go down the queer mentor route??? and i would???? lose my entire mind if we got canonically queer trent crimm thank you and goodnight.

- also ted? my main mans?? please for the love of god get some help.. i know you’re in therapy and that’s a good step but this is so unhealthy you can’t just keep joking about things and hoping no one notices that you’re on the brink of a complete breakdown. my heart was breaking for him this whole episode :(

- how tf is will the kit man 25. i deadass thought he was 19.

- i. hate the sam and rebecca plotline with a burning passion. i love sam. i love rebecca. i hate them together. that girl at sam’s restaurant seemed so sweet let’s pursue that instead please and thank you!

- final note is that i love jesus christ superstar and i’m so happy it was on the soundtrack <3 (also, as i said to my brother during that scene: “top ten jamie tartt judas moments.”)

[softevnstan]

³.⍭ 𝐈𝐭 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞 - PART II.

pairing. bucky barnes x gender netural!reader

summary. you couldn't believe the name that graced the file on your desk for your new patient. james 'bucky' barnes. you'd heard of him - even studied some of his history during college for psychology classes. never would you have imagined he'd be sent to your office, looking for help.

a.n. you guys responded really well for part one so i wanted to work on part two. no beta, we die like men. i have no fully formed plan with this so i apologize if i got anyone's hopes up. see part one here (make sure you read that first, otherwise, parts of this won't make sense). i also hate using 'y/n', but i don't know how not to, so i heavily recommend the 'InteractiveFics' chrome extension - it'll automatically correct 'Y/N' to the name of your choosing (and can replace other terms)

w.c. 3.6k

tags. depression mention, suicide mention, ptsd mention, therapy, recovering!bucky barnes, patient x therapist (as a whole for the series), not 100% accurate therapy - based on my own perspective and experiences.

‘What am I doing here?’ Bucky's mind played like a broken record, brain scouring for any reason to excuse himself from this appointment altogether.

Was it too late to slip out of the room? Surely not - the secretary was one of the four people (including himself) that sat in the same gray room, and she didn't seem to be paying too much mind hunched over her desk in a seek-and-find book.

The waiting room was dark - lacking any real windows in the area given it was part of a larger building that housed the offices. Bucky had taken the stairs up to the second floor after stepping into the building and searched the stretched hall for your office number and silver nameplate on the walls. Upon finally finding it, Bucky couldn't help but see it as a blessing and a curse. No more wandering aimlessly with the inkling of tension that'd begun to grow with the anxiety of someone approaching him to potentially redirect him. But it also meant he was now another excuse short for skipping this referral appointment entirely.

When stepping in, the atmosphere wasn't near as comforting as he'd been hoping. The space was dark and dimly lit by the glow of orange lamps; chairs sat neatly along the wall with a coffee table, scattered with magazines that had been flipped through countlessly since they'd been there. There was a rounded desk to the left of entering the room where an older woman sat, glasses sitting on the end of her nose and the signs of aging prevalent in her graying hair. Along the back wall, there are several doors; Individual offices, Bucky's brain supplied.

There were shelves of books and an overwhelming amount of fake plants in the room. The closest window that Bucky could scour out immediately was a narrow, rectangular one. Lone by itself given the layout of the office building not allowing for it. Hardly any natural light seeped into the room. If the actual offices with the therapists were as gloomy as this, Bucky would have better luck abandoning all hope right then and excusing himself. Save him another uncomfortable experience in the mental health field.

Working with Raynor wasn't exactly what Bucky needed as a first experience in therapy. Before the 70 years that he'd spent under HYDRA's thumb, there were no resources like this at home. Mental Health hardly existed as a concept - no awareness of the rippling effects of war or aid for the soldiers that would return traumatized and self-loathing. Hell, men beat their wives back then like property. That was even without the PSTD and fragile masculinity slammed on top.

Not his father, thank a god that Bucky isn't sure he even believes in anymore.

Christina was rough around the edges. A former officer in the military, one would think she may be perfect for the job in regard to Bucky's emotional baggage and the weight he carries. She wasn't. That was something Bucky only began to learn months later with Sam's help; That while Dr. Raynor was not a bad woman, she was not what Bucky had needed to begin opening up to people. The clipped energy that filled a room when sharing a space with Christina made it near impossible to relax fully; When Bucky was being a little difficult on his bad days (yes, he can admit he's difficult), instead of approaching him with patience, Raynor would combat his comments with her own condescending ones. It felt more like a weekly brawl where he had something to prove rather than a safe space to begin the healing process.

It was like ripping open a healing wound, wondering why it wouldn't improve, and being confused when it worsens under brutal treatment.

Dr. Raynor was not what Bucky needed, simply put.

But the one that woman did right with all certainty was to at least aid in redirecting Bucky to someone that can help him produce better results.

That's what landed him there. In the waiting room of your office with an appointment at 3:15 p.m.

Your praise was sung of being someone who was more approachable and positive, albeit not naively so. When Bucky was peering at reviews and your background check - comforting his own paranoia - he'd seen nothing but kind things said. How patient you were. How compassionate; How you make your patients feel heard and understood. How you provide the tools to create a proper support system and show people how to live again. Bucky tries not to get his hopes up for things, but he was certainly beginning to spark hope when he was able to look more into your reviews. It made him want to try again rather than give up.

But sitting in that dim-lit office, he's not sure how confident he is in that statement anymore. Bucky's left leg bounces in an anxious fidget. His shoulders are tight, arms folded over his chest in a closed-off stance while he sits back in one of the empty chairs of the waiting room. To anyone else, Bucky probably looks angry at the world - it's just him hiding his nerves. Never an intentional expression worn, it's simply become a default to wrinkle his forehead and wear a tired face.

Bucky could still leave. The heavy door that he'd pushed open to get in taunts him from where he sits.

And it's right as he's weighing out the consequences of bailing on this idea altogether that the sound of a door opening grabs his attention. Head turning in the direction of the noise, tired eyes squinting slightly for a brief moment when light pours into the room. A woman in roughly her thirties steps out of the first door lining the back wall, followed by you. Bucky is only certain of that fact because he recognizes your face from the LinkedIn profile you have.

"Thank you again for coming in, Greta, I'm looking forward to hearing about your daughter's Bat Mitzvah; tell her happy birthday for me." you tell the woman that's begun her leave.

"Of course, I hope your next session goes well," beams a woman, assumedly 'Greta'.

Bucky sucks his bottom lip in, worrying the skin between his teeth before sighing out through his nose. Attempting to take a steadying breath to appease his nerves when--

"Mr. Barnes?" your voice prompts.

Running away isn't a choice anymore. Not realistically.

So Bucky drops his arms and feels the taut muscles in his shoulders before trying to force them to settle. Rolling broad muscle under his leather coat before pressing off the armrests of the wooden chair with gloved hands to get up. His eyes remain averted from your face, but he crosses the room to you nevertheless.

"It's nice to meet you, James, if you'd please step in here with me," you hold the door open for Bucky; Allowing him to step into the relatively small space.

But it's not suffocating, he notices.

It's actually a stark contrast to the heavy waiting room he'd just been sitting in for the past 10 minutes or so. The light of day pours in from the tall, wide window on the back wall of the room. In the brief space where the window doesn't occupy the wall, there's a bookcase sat with countless psychology books. A soft-looking loveseat is pressed against the wall to Bucky's right, and across from that is a matching single chair with an end table. On the table sits a lamp, a box of tissues, and what appears to be a selection of colorful fidget toys. The walls are hogged by large framed photos; some of paintings, some of hyper-realistic photos or art. The floor is a deep gray-brown carpet, the walls painted a soft eggshell. Plants sit on the shelf in front of the window, drinking in the sun; He spots a Wandering Jew, two cactuses (both different breeds), and a succulent perched comfortably.

"Have a seat," your voice interrupts the way Bucky studies the room, and promptly he moves to the loveseat. Lowering himself into it, it's significantly more comfortable than the chair he was just sitting in. Still, Bucky sits stiffly. Uncomfortable; refraining from letting his back touch the couch and posture coming across as closed up without him even realizing it.

Like a mantra, belittling thoughts play on a broken loop through his head.

This isn't going to work. It's going to end badly. I'm going to be seen as a monster all the same. I'm a bad person, I don't deserve this. Other people deserve it more. I'm wasting everyone's time.

The thoughts spiral heavier and heavier for Bucky, even as you close the door; successfully sectioning him and you off from the rest of the world. His jaw sets as you move to sit across from him.

Bucky silently wishes the moment would end before it's even begun.

He wants to go back to his apartment, even if it makes him just as miserable.

“So, Mr. Barnes, from what I’m understanding, you'd like to make me your primary therapist and discontinue working with Doctor Raynor?”

Bucky wants to heal. You see it in him. The first step is admitting you have an issue; that there is something wrong. Not that Bucky is wrong, but his headspace surely is a defunct mess; The task ahead of you in untangling said mess is daunting, but Bucky is worthy of it. He deserves it. Even if he doesn't realize that yet.

He deserves to have someone who's willing to help him understand and put the pieces back together. Not simply throw their hands up the first time that Bucky struggles and leave him to fend for himself - this man was done far too much fending by himself.

It's clear by the silence followed by the words, 'That’s all I’ll ever ask of you', that Bucky isn't sure what to say. Rather than allowing the quiet to eat at him, you continue the conversation. Save him from the anxiety he might be feeling in being unable to muster a reply.

"So, Bucky - Can I call you 'Bucky'?" You ask, sure to keep a warm and approachable composure. Bucky's comfort is your priority; If he feels unwelcomed, he won't come back.

A stiff nod comes from the man across you. He still struggles to meet your gaze; Eventually, you'll both work on that, but for now, you don't mind. Let him take things at his own pace.

"So, Bucky," you reiterate, leaning back in your armchair and crossing your legs at the ankle. Your shoulders ease and you relax into your seat. "How about we start by getting to know you a little bit; Where you'd like to work first and what some of your immediate issues are, in your opinion."

Bucky's teeth clench - you can tell because his jaw flexes and it pulls on your heartstrings for a moment. His shoulders look so tight, his body so stiff. Chiseled features are hard, and his face doesn't seem nearly as full as you'd seen in museums and textbooks while growing up and learning American History. Dare you even say he almost looks sunken in, with dark rings around his eyes and sadness in gray hues.

You wonder how he sleeps at night - if he even does. If he eats the way he should. It's heartbreaking to see a man carved into such a husk.

"Raynor was working with me to make amends," Bucky starts, and surely that doesn't mean what you think it does-- "To make things right for what I did as the Winter Soldier, as a condition of my pardon."

"There's nothing to make right, Bucky." You answer almost immediately; your blood feeling hot for half a moment. You saw history unfold right before you, living in New York. Hearing the chaos of HYDRA overtaking SHIELD in 2014, that Boy Wonder 'Bucky Barnes' was still alive. Many things were kept from the public, as much as they could be, but one thing was for certain. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together could see that Bucky was another victim of HYDRA's. Not the catalyst for the carnage. An unwilling piece of the puzzle.

You have to stop yourself from becoming too expressive, though. Despite the quickness of your words, you maintain an evenness to them. "Now, I won't pretend to know what's happened with it all; That's something for us to talk about with time. But I can promise you right now, Bucky, that I am not Dr. Raynor. And while we can revise the conditions of your pardon, you won't be trying to fix mistakes you didn't make. We're here to help you."

Another break of silence, and Bucky has begun to fidget with his hands. Kneading them together in his lap; your own gaze flickering briefly to watch the leather rub on leather.

"I... I don't know what to say," Bucky speaks, his voice soft and timid. Unmatching the hardness of his face.

A small crease forms between his brows, eyes downcast but briefly lifting to peer at you.

"You don't have to know what to say right now," you gently tell him. "I know you may not agree with my perspective on things right now, but please hear me when I tell you that I'm not here to judge you. You're a survivor, Bucky."

A soft huff comes from him - lip curling into a crooked grin that's humorless. Bucky shakes his head right after, and the expression falls. You watch curiously.

"I'm sorry, it's... Everyone seems to either look at me like the pariah or like a victim." Bucky explains, and for a moment, your lips form a soft smile. You lean forward, shifting your position once more to lean in a little closer to Bucky's space without outright intruding on it.

"You're a survivor," you reiterate. Making sure he hears it. "And there is no shame in being a survivor - I'm a survivor and don't consider it derogatory, it's exactly what I am."

Bucky's brow knits up slightly and his attention is on you fully. Arguably the longest so far since he's been in this room with you. He looks as though he's searching for something and the answer is somehow embedded in you, and deep down, you want to give him whatever it is he's searching for.

You're a survivor, too. It's what made you good at your job. Being able to empathize to a degree with the individuals that come to you; To be able to share your own experiences and show the person sitting in front of you that they are not alone. People like to feel heard and understood. And sometimes the best way to for that is to sit with someone who's been through something similar.

Though you certainly didn't have experience as a prisoner of war who was genetically engineered...

His pink lips part as though he wants to speak, but whatever words were that die on Bucky's tongue when his mouth clamps shut and he finally averts his attention. You follow his gaze briefly to find him looking out the window parallel to him on his right. The light peeked in through the sheer curtains and lit the side of his face partially. You wonder if the sunlight makes him warm at all.

"Do you want me to draw the curtains for you, Bucky?" You offer, wondering if perhaps it's distracting to him.

Bucky shakes his head. "I'm not used to this." "Can you explain what 'this' is?" You ask, gently prompting him in hopes he keeps talking. "I, uhm..." His voice trails - clearly searching for the words. "You're... Calm. I don't entirely know how to explain it. We haven't been talking that long but I was, uh, intimidated to meet you. My precious therapy experiences haven't been the best..." It's the most he's said in a single sitting, you're impressed.

"And that's alright - sometimes not every therapist works out. Many people struggle to understand that therapy is not a 'one size fits all' matter. Sometimes we have to feel out situations and feel out people. If you decide at any point you're no longer comfortable speaking with me, I understand and will be more than happy to help you find another therapist that can specialize in your concerns." Always deliberate as to not call Bucky's situation 'problems' or 'what's wrong'. The last thing you'd want is for him to feel as though he is the root problem in his life. He's not.

"Thank you," the man murmurs softly, and you can tell it's another moment he's unsure what to say. Even the words feel as though it took quite a deal of effort to muster from Bucky. That's okay - sometimes people need to warm up. You're not surprised in the least that Bucky isn't an open book, you wouldn't be if you went through even half of what he did.

"...I'll tell you what," You begin, Bucky's attention drawing right back to you rather than the world outside the glass. "How about we start small, you and I, okay? We don't have to touch anything heavy yet, we can start simple."

"Simple?" Bucky echoes.

"Mhm," a confident nod from you, "I hope I don't sound rude at all, but I can tell you're someone who's carrying a whole lot more than they let on."

That earns a skeptical look from Bucky. You wonder in a brief moment where you potentially lost him when he answers that question for you:

"I'm sure you can." The response comes out almost irritated. No elaboration.

For a moment your mind scrambles, wondering, before it clicks. Still, you encourage Bucky to use his words. "What do you mean?"

A long sigh comes through his nose. "Oh, c'mon," he tries, but you simply look expectantly. Bucky needs to communicate, if they have no form of communication, they have nothing. "Y'know, everyone seems to know about me. Everything with HYDRA..." His expression is progressively hardening; He's lumping you with everyone else. You see it. Even if Bucky doesn't realize what he's doing, he's trying to build that wall again. Brick himself out and separate himself.

"No," You reply, "I only know what you want to share with me, Bucky. I didn't follow your story as it was happening - though I'd be lying if I said I was entirely clueless. Whatever I knew prior to meeting you today, though, doesn't matter. I want to know you. Not what everyone else's perception of you, is. Consider us strangers."

Then, as if to prove your point, you shift forward even more in your seat. Uncrossing your legs and sitting them flat on the floor as you offer your right hand out.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Bucky, I'm Dr. Y/N." Maybe the notion seems silly - and it is, honestly. You've both been talking this long.

Bucky is a little taken aback by the gesture; Blinking at you cluelessly for a moment before he huffs again. This time, his half-hearted grin doesn't look so bitter when he offers his right hand out tentatively. A ginger shake, as though he's scared he's going to break you, and the leather of his glove is warm against your palm.

While he doesn't verbally reciprocate the gesture, his expression speaks for him. A conversation without words.

It's clear that it's a bit more comforting to Bucky. For a brief moment he seemed as though he was ready to leave without coming back, but with quick thinking, you're relieved to have reeled him in once more.

"Anything about you outside of this room means nothing to me," you promise. "It's up to you how much you share. No one else."

Bucky's smile pulls just a tad bit wider, and you consider it a victory.

"We'll start simple," You repeat, pulling your hand from his to pick up the notepad on the table beside you. Flipping to a clean page and clicking your pen - you don't miss the way Bucky looks at you almost worriedly. As if you've picked up a weapon when in reality it's a pen and paper.

"I'd like you to find a nice journal that you like. One that you won't be afraid to write in, and one that you'll feel comfortable using. Next week when we see each other, I'd like you to bring it with you." You effortlessly speak while your pen scrawls away on the small lines sheet in front of you - your handwriting reads out on the paper, 'BRING A NOTEBOOK THAT YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH USING :)'

You tear the paper from the metal rings that bind it and pass it over to Bucky. He takes it wordlessly, looking at the piece of paper in his hands.

"That's it...?" Bucky ponders aloud. "That's it." Another gentle smile you wear. "Journaling is an extremely useful tool for going through our feelings and helping us take a step back and breathe. It can help us avoid dramatizing situations unintentionally, and it can help us develop a sense of mindfulness and gratitude. You don't need to write anything in it just yet, but if you'd like to decorate it, I won't stop you. Whatever makes you feel comfortable to begin writing in it."

"...Dr. Raynor didn't have me keep a journal," the soldier murmurs. "I'm not Dr. Raynor." you answer simply.

Your first session with Bucky seems to go well on all accounts. Sure there were a few brief tense moments, but you like to hope he'll return. At the end of the day, that's Bucky's decision. If he chooses to continue with you as his therapist, though, you want to help him in any way he can.

He doesn't know it yet, but you're determined. By the end of your time together, you want to have helped Bucky obtain a new perspective and help him live. Not simply survive.

After he leaves your office, you make sure to fill your schedule in for the same time next week.

[docholligay]

Yellowjackets S2E2: Bullet Points

Hello! This is about up to Season 2, Episode 2 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY that of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond this spot, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me.  Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like  “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember  that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you  talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all  I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I  could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please  just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

I don’t DISLIKE Callie getting a clue and whatever, and I love being right about the fact that teenagers want boundaries, but it does read really…inauthentic? Like, it very much seems like a “this character is getting a good grade in therapy” which is odd for this show, and maybe that’s why it’s so jarring. Laughed my ass off at “You’re such a child” “My mom says she’s making us chocolate chip pancakes” 

Actually, on that note, so much more than I love the above with Callie, which as I said seems just a little too self-aware for me, I really love her bailing out her mom with Kevyn. Her mom, who she does not respect, who she doesn’t like, but who she ALSO desperately loves and wants to connect with. It is so interesting to show her doing this, something we souldn’t have expected of Callie. Callie wants her to pay, in some way, but only if CALLIE can be the one to nail her to the wall, not even on a legal level but more on a personal one. Extra points for “So you lied to be feminist?” 

God bless Misty’s whole B-plot. I wanted Her and jessica to get married and then divorced and then married again, but i could also handle this and I know the character is going to be around for a little bit at least because you don’t get Elijah fucking Wood for nothing. 

Also pleased that I was right about how, “That is not going to fucking cremate her” and it doesn’t it just roasts her for supper ahaha. I mean, I know the spirit of the forest dumps snow on her, but I don’t think it was happening anyway. 

I agree with Kevyn that this guy is five seconds from fucking up this entire case, secretly going undercover without permission and flirting with someone underage, knowing they are using a fake ID? Come on, man. 

I don’t really have a great take on the banquet at the end, other than the obvious tie ins to the hunt and success and the sacrifice. I don’t really have anything else to say there expect it looks like Nat and Crystal are at the head and the foot of the table. Just putting a pin in that, it might matte,r it might not, i might even be wrong.