#thank god for therapy and self awareness

[impish-baby]

Hey, could I have more HIWTHI content please? Possibly with them finding out reader would write in their journal a lot, possibly hinting towards reader having large amounts of self worth issues, and instead of them leaving because no one notices them, reader left because they feel like a burden?

I’m particularly interested in Marcus and the twins reacting.

Also, please make sure to take care of yourself. I love all of your writing, but no one will ever blame you for taking a break. Also, please stay hydrated.

-🌙

👀 close to something that would happen canonically actually!!

HIWTHI cast's reaction to reader's journal

(Trigger warnings: reader's struggles with self worth, mentioned/referenced suicide)

Marcus feels like a complete and utter failure as a father. No matter how cold or stern he is with his children, he does love all of them with everything in him. So the fact that you feel like a burden? That you felt like a waste of space in your own home? He hangs his head in shame.

Doesn't even bother with asking why you didn't speak up, he's well aware that this is his own shortcoming. It's his fault, that's the simple truth of the matter.

Once you are back home, you're required to start therapy. He'll even let you do in person instead of online if you promise to actually give it a shot, Marcus legitimately wants (needs) you to get better. He has no delusions of their being an overnight change, and so he tries to go at your pace.

There's lots of long conversations, firm reminders that you are loved and of value no matter what. Especially at night, he'll sit at the end of your bed and tell you how much you mean to him. He'd go on until he's blue in the face if that's what it takes for you to believe his words.

Clara refuses to believe what she's read for a long while. She knows it's real, she has the proof held in her hands. Just... her child, her baby, was struggling with almost the same thing she was. And she didn't know. She didn't know and now they're gone.

If she wasn't worried about reader before, she's actually terrified now. The worst outcome is going through her mind, because really, what was stopping you from doing something dangerous? Clara is constantly eyeing the news, fear eating her alive.

The next time she sees you, you're getting the tightest hug. The woman sobbing into your shoulder, thanking whatever higher being that her baby is safe.

You aren't allowed to have sharp objects, unportioned medication, or anything that could be used to harm one's self anymore. Clara doesn't care, she's not leaving a chance. She knows what it's like being in that state of mind. She'll be dammed if she doesn't start acting like a mother should and protecting her child.

Jack is bawling his eyes out right away. The pen ink in your diary smudging as his tears hit the paper. You...oh god..

He feels like the shitiest person on earth, he doesn't deserve to call himself an older brother. He knew Jaiden had his struggles, and now this..

He pockets the journal. Jack reads it as some form of punishment. You suffered with this, he'll suffer with it too. When you're back home, he's trying his best to include you in everything.

Movie nights, board games, he comes up with anything and everything so you can spend time together. See? He has fun with you, he likes hanging out with you, you aren't a burden..

Theo feels bitter, resentful. At your parents, at themselves, at the fact that you felt that way. His resolve to find you becomes ten times stronger, there isn't a single doubt in their mind that you need to come home.

Much like Marcus, they'll affirm how much you're loved and wanted any chance they get. Theo cages you in their arms and mumbles praises for what feels like forever. They'll even go into morbid detail about how everyone fell apart while you were gone just to prove how needed you are.

Jaiden is tempted to rip the pages out. He goes through a rollercoaster of emotions.

At first, he's pissed. That you didn't say anything, that you didn't do anything to get help, that you just sat there and felt fucking miserable for years-

He's ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed.

It feels.. awkward between you. Jaiden stares constantly, like he's never seen you before. When he finally breaks down sobbing, he's willing to beg at your feet if you'd forgive him for being such a horrible big brother

[queenothegeeks]

Awkward creator Drabble

Awkward creator drabbles part 2 

If you have any ideas for characters you want to see, put it in the comments, or send in an ask. (Warning, this was written before Arlecchinos release, so pls be nice.)

After arriving in Teyvat, you had gotten swarmed with letters asking you (the creator) to come to everything under the sun. Plays, meetings, weddings, requests from all sorts of nobel and rich people, but you always declined. Not only because you knew you would freak out and be awkward, but because you didn’t feel like you would fit into that high-end and stuffy air, where everyone is trying to outdo one another, whether it be with their outfits, their hair, their gold and gems, and their property. But what happens when you get a letter you can’t refuse? 

*Arlecchino edition*

When you got a letter that was sealed with the familiar mark of the Fatui, your heart skipped a beat. Up until now, everything had all been from people you didn’t know, and therefore, in your mind, were not powerful enough or important enough to care about going to meet with them. But Fatui, as you know, was not someone you should ignore. But, instead of a message requesting a fight from Childe or a meeting request from the Tsaritsa herself, it was a mere invitation to a tea party the Knave was holding. 

Deciding to respond, you picked up your quill (you still didnt know how to use it properly), you wrote a letter back to the knave, hoping it sounded professional enough, accepting her invite, and detailing how excited you were, while also asking if there would be any others attending that you should be aware of, and if there was a dress code (god forbid you show up in sweatpants to a formal event). 

A few days later, you got a letter back. It stated that you should “wear whatever felt comfortable” (whatever that means) and that it would be just the two of you, along with a few guards, though they were mostly going to be there for show. Obviously, you took “dress comfortably” as a “you must not have a hair out of place” and panicked slightly, worrying about what to wear. After tearing your closet apart, a mental breakdown or two, and a one way therapy session with a stuffed animal a random kid had given you, you set out.

 (Imagine whatever outfit you want, bc i want to remain gn and be comfortable for everyone) 

When you arrived, your jaw hit the floor. “A simple gathering” my foot! You suddenly felt very self conscious, picking at your outfit and nails, feeling out of place. You were led in by a masked guard, who brought you to a room with 2 massive couches, and more food than you could reasonably eat on a table in between them.

“The knave will be here shortly. She thanks you in advance for your patience, she is merely checking the perimeter of the building. Enjoy your tea party” 

They said, quickly leaving the room, presumably to return to their place guarding the building. 

“Thanks, you too!”

Realizing what you said, you were suddenly very glad they left as fast as they did. After waiting for a little while, Arlecchino walked in, not a hair out of place, walking with purpose.

“Thank you for waiting for your grace. I had some…issues that needed to be taken care of.”

“It's not a problem at all!” 

You quickly interjected.

“Pardon my question, but was there a specific reason you wished to meet with me?”

“Do I need a reason to speak with the creator, and thank them for all they have done for this world? Or a reason to hopefully make an alliance?” She said,

“Nononono- not at all. It was just because I know back where I’m from, you would use tea time as a way to get important information across. With the prophecy approaching and everything, I was wondering if that's why you called upon me.” 

“You would be correct. I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised you agreed to meet with me, considering you haven’t met with anyone else, no matter how important.”

You tensed a bit, not liking her tone. It wasn’t threatening, but it seemed like she knew more about you than the fact you hadn’t met with other people. Wait a minute…how did she know that?

“How did you know that?”

“Know what?”

“You said I haven't met anyone else. You aren’t wrong, I haven’t. But the public doesn’t know that. In fact, one glance at any newspaper, and it's boasting about how “the creator themself was there”.  

You started to ramble, your brain not worrying about being high end or fancy. The only thing on your mind was piecing together the information, just like how you would whenever a new genshin trailer or quest would come out. 

“The only way you would have the truth would be if you were hella good at catching someone in a lie or just calling bs, which I know you are, or that you assigned people to watch me, which, using the information I have about you based on stuff from my world, wouldn’t be that far off. The House of the Hearth is very versatile, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to say you could implant your children, and- you're smiling.” 

“I didn’t truly know if you hadn’t met with anyone else. I was mostly seeing if you would reveal any information about these nobel’s if you had, if you were any good at lying that you had or hadn't gone, or, seeing if you would reveal things you knew about me, thereby showing the extent of your knowledge about this world and its people. Now, back to the topic from before, now that I know you are aware of who I am, tell me, what's going to happen to Fontaine, and how do I save it?”

Oh sh*t. 

[svt-kiki]

( 🩹 )　FEEL THE TEMPERATURE　　⌅ .

　　　　　　　　 MDNi　｡｡　one night stand(s) and flirts

✦　SEXUAL CONTENTS　𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗼𝗿𝘀 𝗱𝗻𝗶 cw.　pet names, possessive, one sided pining, sub!kiki, kiki being dull to others romantic feelings, mentions to sexual acts in general, threesome

𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐈 𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐎𝐋

lose innocence to each other ™

seungcheol has the hardest crush on her throughout trainee days, and kiki liked back too, but both were afraid to take actions and risk everything

they slept after seventeen’s debut was decided, made a promise this is the first and the last

lots of messy kisses, happy sad tears, giggles and comforts

and they kept the promise... for a while

started to making out again around 2017 to 2018, get laid time to time since then

after the concert sex with a heat 🫣

they just know each other so well, aware exactly what to do

kiki is kinda passive when it comes to intimate sessions, got turned on only when someone she trusts or loves flirts her directly with intention ( kinda demi sexual / recipro sexual-ish )

but oh after he build up his body so well like that 🫦

not he insists her to sit on his face especially during his injury

cheol kisses every inches of her body like unless he would die

he loves how she takes him so well when he gaves deep penetration

“words, honey.”

“you doing so well babe, so fucking good around me,”

PET NAMES

“c-cheol, wait, i can’t take this anymore,” “then just use safe words sweetheart. no? interesting.” *smirks*

possessive possessive possessive

“you may fool around with other guys but i don’t care. you are made for me and the body knows it.”

actually, he cares but tries his best to hold back and not be too much

𝐈𝐌 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐊𝐘𝐔𝐍

friends with benefits ft. one sided pining

they were good friends for years, he kinda had a slight feeling for her from beginning but nothing deep that just make platonic friendship and mutual respect more stronger

until 2019

they both had a tough time back then, started make some songs together for fun and self-therapy

then had a drink too much the night celebrating the release of their first collab song

ended up wake up in the same bed, naked

she hadn’t remembered the every details but he did, made him kinda obsessed with her

they have a good bed chem indeed

some of his songs are inspired from her cough god damn and lure cough

like why you think he shot the mv in hokkaido at first place??

lots of teasing, like, lots of it

“hmm, like that? if you can’t tell i’ll teach you.”

“you want gentle? wrong fucking address.”

whispers dirty words into her ear in english with deep voices it can make her cum pretty easily

“god you taste like heaven,”

changkyun knows a lot, takes her to whole new level in the bed, kinda eye-opening experience for her ngl

he can eats her out and left no crumbs 😮‍💨

“you keep your hands where they are or i’ll tie them up.”

and she might like that

he knew this feeling won’t sit right between them so just act like cool and gets extra in bed instead

��𝐈𝐌 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐘𝐔

he’s her bad little squishy

this is the last thing she wanted to do but who can unbend their morals and resist him?

he also kinda obsessed with her throughout the time, ( i mean lots of people are ) mixture of crush, love, longing and possessive

just no one is better than her and he always knew it

something rarely, first happened in 2020

mingyu learned how to make her say yes, finally

and kiki lost the reasons to not

“trust me, i’ll take good care of you, okay?”

“noona so cute, being fuzzy like this under me, because of me.”

get the man like him, being gentle!dom and down bad at the same time

“don’t be so serious, we just have fun, no one hurts. right? i mean unless you want to-” “kim mingyu!” *smacks*

“i need you so bad, noona, please, i’m going to be crazy,”

that hands and fingers, able to create a mess as much as (s)he wants

“have a little trust in yourself, i know you can take it.”

kiki can use him like a boy toy if she wants to and he would thank her for it ( not that she will but that’s how their dynamics work )

deep thrusts, fingering, fuck like a nothing while her legs on his shoulders

🚨 overstimulation 🚨

his length can streches her out so well, surprisingly

𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐘𝐔 & 𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐎𝐋

oh there they go

kiki and cheol’s relation is half open secret among the group, so mingyu was willing for the idea first

happened somewhere in fts era

three of them went a casual dinner, mingyu was staring at her with desire and flirted with her in the language only they knew the whole time and she noticed it but tried to keep it cool ( not a miserable attempt buttt )

then cheol also noticed but didn’t feel bad or anything somehow

*gaze exchanging between boys*

“how about making special memories for tonight? i mean, with both of us?”

kiki just gave up on lining up the reasons why they shouldn’t, because at the end of the day, it was never why they, or she don’t want to

they got wet, or soaked in multiple meanings

the one whispering, kissing or touching while the other hitting the spot made her confusing in a good way

challengers who? they are the original

gyucheol do the perfect combo of competitive and cooperate...

“just a little more. you can take a little more, can’t you?”

“hyung, looks like she’s gonna cum.”

“huh, again? we barely even touched you, love.”

𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐎

FIRST OF ALL

kiki almost threw up when she heard his age like wtf you mean you are not 90s kid while look like that-

happened in february 2024 while kiki doing collab work with måneskin in italy after attended milan fashion week

they already had been texting each other couple months since kiki had done the interview contents for the band ( imagine something like jennie and billie eilish ) in dec, 2023 in japan

kiki loves their music and they be like no way THAT kiki is our fan omg???

she always wanted to improve her drum skills because she thinks it’s the coolest instrument in the rock band so genuinely asks him questions and he likes that

their chemistry just kicked off right after they met

ethan longing at her and smiled her every time she looked him back that made her giggle

he was melting when she tucked his hair behind the ear with permission

ngl it made her surprised and blushy how they are open to the sexual topic conversation with casual and comfortable manne

ended up kiki think about how herself thinks and prefers intimate actions that she’ve never put into words before and surely was a good thing

all victoria, damiano and thomas willing to be the wingman kinda funny ( they be like go ethan just do it or you won’t get another chance with HER?!?! *whispers loudly* )

but she never thought in that way until he came out straight, running out patients

thought he’s kinda too young for her, or it can be inappropriate even tho ethan is already fully adult ( of course he is ) and nothing really needs to worry that much like she does

kiki overthinking but that’s bcs she was afraid to hurt him or gave him bad influence in any kind, which is never capable of someone thoughtful like her

“please tell me i’m not having a wrong idea,”

“i mean- it’s not but- are you really sure about this?”

“find out yourself then.” *leads her into the bedroom*

she secretly loves he brushes back that gorgeous long hair to bend down and kiss her and do more

slowly, romantic movements

he laces her silhouettes and spines gently, gave her a tender shiver

shower sex in the morning after ;)

they made a secret promise that they will be the only italian / japanese fuck buddy in their life ( half joke, half serious )

(    📁    )   :   NAVI   :  MASTER LIST     

(    tag list    )   :   @smh-anon @jennwonwoo @angie-x3 @scarlet789

[poswiecenia]

hello fellow mutuals , non - mutuals reading this ( hopefully ) since it is in my rules or those that are likely looking over my blog as per usual ! look. its 2025 now, a whole new year and 730 days later, this is my final statement on the matters of the past and how i'm moving forward. i cannot stop people from talking but its a bit odd when a lot of discussion is made in such a fashion like its current news. it is not. its been two years and i've done all i can to curate my own space by using blacklist -- those that do not want me around need to do the same. its no longer on me if ' somehow ' you see me when the tools are there to not see me at all. this is no longer high school and hasn't been for a long time : we all need to be adults and both be accountable for how we curate our spaces. because goodness. i'm never going to chase people that block me,  i simply do not have the emotional energy or even time to do that. you’ll simply be blacklisted and left alone.  if, god forbid, i am some nightmare incarnate again in the future, by all means vindicate me and hold me accountable but, again, its been 730 days and in those days i've 1) gone to therapy 2) gained better coping mechanisms (still a work in progress for implementation) and 3) been less liberal over my boundaries being stepped on and standing up for myself. communication is key for some past mistakes to never happen again. self awareness and reflection has been key for past problematic actions to not happen again - as well as the blacklist feature and block button. i'm not asking for forgiveness as some of my actions do not deserve it. all i ask is for the last 730+ days to speak for themselves. you don't have to like me, you don't even have to want me in your space : that's fine ! curate it. use the blacklist feature so we can hold both of ourselves accountable together. that’s it.  end of story as it always has been. to those who've read this far, thank you.  enjoy your new year and 2025. be careful out there <3

[artsekey]

Hey op, art therapist here, responding to your comic about your first ever session in therapy-

And oh my *GOD*- I am SO sorry that was your first experience. I’m absolutely dumbfounded the therapists behavior. And to find out in notes she was 15 minutes late?? I sincerely hope you have found or find a better therapist. That is absolutely ridiculous

I see a therapist and my therapist LOVES when I come in with a list of things and reasons why I think it’s going on. As a therapist- i know it helps you develop better self awareness when you write down what’s going on in the moment to help reflect on it (as someone with ADHD its primarily to help me remember lol.) So that initial response from that therapist was super weird and to say “it’s not my process???” For insight- UM!!!?!? WHAT’!?!? THATS YOUR JOB IS TO GIVE INSIGHT!?!?

As a therapist I’m so upset for you that’s just so ridiculous. You coming in knowing exactly what you wanted and with everything ready is honestly every therapists dream. It’s okay to not have a goal yet or ever- but it just shows how “on it” you are and how you want to be an active member in your treatment. Good on you op seriously.

Sorry to rant in your ask- I just fuckin love my job so much and seeing other therapists fuck around like this makes me livid. Keep doing you op! I hope you found/find a better therapist!! You got this!!

Thank you for this! Honestly, I'm really glad I posted that comic. I'd been thinking about going for years just to "tidy up", as it were-- I firmly believe that therapy can be good for anyone, no matter the scope of the problem. A lot of people have encouraged me to keep looking, and that's largely why I think I will-- It was a lot for me to make and go to this appointment, and because I have no other perspective on therapy, the whole experience reaffirmed my suspicions that what I want to work on might be "too small" to bother with (and/or too niche). I really can't overstate how her last comment about the fact that I put my needs aside contributed to a "net good" would've obliterated me a few months ago!

I'm not going to get into the weeds about it because at that point it's personal, but the comics honestly don't do it justice; it was like she took every one of my concerns, ignored them in favor of what she thought was the direction we needed to go in, blew past every "exit" sign I put on the road to get us back on track. It was infuriating.

[septembriseur]

I saw your post about finding the philosophy of living in an unjust world, you should read Bell Hooks All About Love. It’s a little spiritual, but it’s not the religious “god has control” that is so unsatisfactory. I do think the key to happiness is a type of surrender to the fact we don’t have control over much, but it’s kind of like how people can find pleasure in kink and bondage, or even in the rules of a board game. It’s the joy of the game. The pleasure of figuring it out. Grief and love are the same thing in different forms, so the fact you can grieve the unjust horrors of the world really is a sign that deep down, you love and care about the world and the creatures in it. Nurture that love. Honor the grief.

Thank you for the response! I’m sharing this for others who were interested in the post. I admit that I struggle with the kind of spiritual therapy-speak that I feel like bell hooks is using in that specific book (which is totally consistent with the spiritual path that was meaningful to her), mostly because I was raised in the New Age movement, so I have personal issues with it.

I will say also that I struggle with the idea that my grief is actually good because it shows that I love and care about the world. That, to me, is an insufficient idea. My feelings— which are often closer to self-loathing and hopelessness— arise from specific instances in which I cannot help people that I care about, or in which I become aware of how many people identical to people I care about are suffering because no one can help them. I reject the notion that their suffering has an ameliatory aspect. It doesn’t. Is it good that I care about them? —Yes. But it’s also useless. The world is not saved through caring about each other. It’s saved through providing people with the material circumstances (housing, food, stability, dignity) that allow them to live as human beings.

[themoodyestj]

Wouldn't this "sweetheartconnoisseur" account belong to Elta? Who else would be so invested in her and so determined to defend the reality of her marriage? I mean, she has the time to make it happen; she doesn't work, her children are cared for by nannies, her husband is often in another state, and she lives in a somewhat secluded area in a new state, far from where she and JA were born and raised. How many non-JA friends could she possibly make? Especially now, in a place where she sticks out like a sore thumb as 'nouveau riche.' The wealthy women she'll encounter as neighbors I can't believe they're charmed by her personality and manners. So, yes, she definitely has plenty of time to waste.

God, how sad would that be? To have such an empty life you'd go on Tumblr to pester the antis? How insecure does one have to be to do that?

That would make me feel really sorry for her, to be honest. And concerned, for her and her kids. But no, I don't think it's her. Yes, the blog is a little bit too obsessive for my taste, but I think if she had the chance to hype herself, she'd do a lot more. Besides, this blogger likes to poke and reblog, but if one fights back they tend to cower a little. I don't think Danneel has the self awareness or sense of self-preservation to not engage. She feels entitled to say anything at anyone, as previous arguments on SM came to show. Besides... I have to admit I have felt the need to go easy on this blogger because they sound really young and inexperienced.

I mean, I know I can be a bitch, but I'm a bitch with standards. XD I see no fun in kicking babies.

But if it really is her, my advice still stands: therapy and lots of it. Lots of work on self-love and self accomplishment instead of chasing empty praise. Beauty (although it's subjective, I don't think she's all that) is fleeting, and it's not something you accomplish. This woman needs her own victories, instead of posing as an empowered woman just because she married someone famous. And yes, I imagine this move must have taken a toll on her. Unfortunately, one can tell new money from old money very well. And people who have grown in wealth have a set of values that I don't think Danneel has or can even comprehend, let alone relate to. She'll stick out like a sore thumb, trying to pretend to be like them. They'll see her bullshit from a mile away. Thanks for your ask, Anon. Have a great weekend.

[raviollies]

Also since what happened in the timeskip was left entirely ambiguous I get to write my own stuff:

> Daee's mental health was already suffering by the end of inquisition due to feeling betrayed by Blackwall, Clan Lavellan being killed, Dorians departure for Tevinter and the shaky situation of Inquisition. By the end of Tresspasser he is at his lowest due to the revelation of the Elven gods and Solas, losing a limb, losing access to magic due to the anchor destabilizing his mana flow, corrupt nature of Inquisition and Dorians possible departure. There were points where he contemplated ending it.

He was forced to spend several weeks on bed rest due to the injury, which led to deconditioning and weight loss due to mostly sleeping, leading to needing physio therapy to aid with walking.

Due to this Dorian postponed his return to Tevinter to aid in his recovery. It was a fairly unpleasant process for both; Daee feeling profoundly ashamed of needing help with basic tasks (bathing, walking, brushing his hair) and feeling like a burden on the bright Magister who could be changing things and is instead playing caretaker, and Dorian for seeing a loved one so self hating and physically ill. The recovery takes a long time, but they do make it through, but it's a bumpy ride. Eventually Daee does get to a more stable place mentally but he certainly isn't the same as he was before, and holds a deep grudge against Solas, because it's easier to place blame all on one person. Daee cannot thank Dorian enough for all that he did.

Once his body stabilized he regains the ability to cast. Because of Well of Sorrows, his mana regains much faster, and his aging is slowed considerably but neither notice it yet.

> Once Dorian departs for Tevinter, Daee travels the south to explore old Elven ruins to gleam any information on the gods and Solas and hunting any Venatori he finds along the way, gaining the moniker of "Demon of the South". Dorian is immensely proud and though he can't say who he's in a relationship with he swaggers a bit past Venatori in Minrathous.

> They visit each other frequently through an Eluvian. Dorian works hard at the magisterium to one day be able to show Daee Minrathous proper at his side. While visiting Daee sticks to his estate due to the danger being outside poses, as both the Inquisitor and a young elf. On occasion Dorian and him will take a walk at night in low traffic areas, with Daee wearing a cloak to conceal his ears, particularly to watch fireworks on Holidays. Dorian hopes he's alive long enough to see a free Tevinter and they can enjoy festivals together. No one knows of their relationship, not even Mae or the Shadow dragons, though that's to avoid of getting a target painted on them, as they are safer the less they know. Only people aware are Varric and Vivienne.

> They did have a brief vacation to Antiva as a sort of "honeymoon" though for obvious reasons they are not officially married. They hope to return for the 10 year anniversary.

> Dorian does attempt to learn Elvhen but obviously struggles. It brings Daee great joy never the less. After meeting Mae and some of the Shadow dragons, Daee attempts to learn some Tevene, though with equal fumbling. The first things Dorian teaches him are swear words (but technically the first word he learned is "Amatus")

> Dorian commissioned a fancy prosthetic for Daee with full articulation. Though it requires Daee to use magic consistently for it to properly work, it is designed with a mage in mind, and is not a dramatic drain on mana. It is properly fitted with measurements to be that of his right arm. Though he cannot cast with that arm, Daee had been teaching himself to cast with his right arm, and carry the staff in his left.

> They decided that if they're both alive after the events of Veilguard, to find a quaint place in the woods, far from others and adopt (an Elven child, ideally from an Alienage or Tevinter.) Dorian feels as though he's imparted a lot to the Shadow dragons and they can handle themselves, and can work with the Magisterium from a distance, and using Eluvians to travel.

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E12: Fire

Case: An incel played by Mark Sheppard is lighting people (and things, but we're more concerned about the people) on fire, and they can't figure out how he's doing it. This case is brought to Mulder's attention by his toxic British ex, Phoebe (who, as far as Mulder's exes go, is way more charismatic than Fowley so -shrug emoji-), and the two of them go off to Massachusetts to stop some rich British people from being barbecued. Half the people in this episode are weirdly horny, especially the fire expert guy at the Bureau who sounds like he's in the process of getting off when he describes pictures of fire. Mark Sheppard kicks a dog. Mulder literally says the words, "That's one of the luxuries to hunting down aliens and genetic mutants—you rarely get to press charges," so at least they're self-aware. Also, he's terrified of fire and apparently "cursed" with a photographic memory—I'm pretty sure neither of these things ever come up again. Meanwhile, the only person doing any actual FBI work is Scully. Thank god for her.

Does someone die in the cold open: Ah, yeah. Death by psychic immolation. Not the nicest way to go.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, but he does get practical joked into thinking he's about to die in a car bombing. Take note, Youtube pranksters.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: The most damning evidence is Incel Mark Sheppard himself, and while he's definitely a little crispy, he makes it to the end.

Whodunit: Incel Mark Sheppard

Convictions: Incel Mark Sheppard will face prosecution once he's done applying aloe to his burns. They are kind of not sure how to do that given that he can light literally anything flammable on fire with his mind. If it was 2024 they'd just do a Zoom call, but alas.

Did they solve it: Yes!

[how do i determine if an episode is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Forced exposure therapy.

Do you need to suffer from a convenient phobia that is relevant to your current situation in order to provide suspense to your plotline, but you also don't want to have to ever bring it up again in your general narrative arc as a whole? Get rid of it quick with forced exposure therapy!

Forced exposure therapy works by having you speedrun the entire therapy process by putting you in a life or death scenario where you have no choice but to face your fears. Tired of being afraid? Well throw yourself into that burning building and learn to become brave, once and for all!*

*Forced exposure therapy may worsen phobias in some individuals, potentially resulting in the development of moderate to severe post-traumatic stress disorder. Do not put yourself into life or death scenarios without first speaking to your doctor to see if forced exposure therapy is right for you.

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 5 (that's two in a row! new best streak!!)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, it's me" phone calls: 1 (oh man, we were so close two different times. first one Scully goes, "Mulder, it's Scully," and i was like, "damn," and then later she started calling him on her gigantic black box cell phone, and i was like, "ooh, here we go!" but then the call didn't go through :( )

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 4 (she was kind of the only person paying actual attention to anything this episode)

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 5 (the amount of smoke inhalation he got both times he was in the fire probably should have killed him, tbh)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 3

Total Number of Sexually Charged and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 6 (there's so much weird tension in this episode that i can't even count it all individually)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 1

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 6

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 3 ½ (giving myself half-credit bc I knew it happened in Cape Cod, but I didn't know where Cape Cod was lol)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 2 (not this episode, and i can also say with authority that this stat won't go up next episode either, bc next episode is mfing "Beyond the Sea" which is the topest of tiers of first season episodes. get hype!!!)

[mrblazeflappybird]

I have noone to talk to about this new Helluva Boss episode so you're getting subjected to my ranting

(I'm going to be talking about the end scene with Blitz and Stolas - loved the whole episode though, not my fave but definitely not my least favourite by any means)

STOLAS. MY GOD. YOU SHOULD NOT BE RELATABLE AND BECAUSE OF YOU I SHALL BE GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP ASAP.

I completely and utterly believe that both Stolas and Blitz need to get a reality check. But whilst I am certain Blitz will in the series (probably multiple times over) I'm worried Stolas won't. The most he might probably get is him getting told by Octavia that "You don't love me, you love him".

Stolas. Needs. A. Reality. Check.

I get that (as a character) his response to everything is trauma based just like Blitz. But the way he's acting is kinda like... you aren't perfect. You are messing this up just as much as Blitz is, possibly more so.

The way he and I are similar is the fact that we both do things so heavily based through our immediate feelings that we just don't take time to think about stuff, especially not in the moment. To the point that we are blind to the damage it causes.

The relationship started as a purely "no feelings" deal. Regardless of them both catching them, that was THE RULE that they both followed most the time. Obviously until they didn't. And whilst its painful and the reasons Blitz didn't do anything is because of self hatred and therapy-needing reasons most likely, he still kept to that rule.

Stolas immediately was like "Nah, I'm changing everything right now."

Yes, yes, please, if you aren't happy and know ultimately this relationship is hurting more than bringing happiness, end it. But he can't just expect Blitz to immediately understand what's going on and what to say. Its such a huge backhand that's so unexpected by Blitz that ofc he's gonna be confused and think its something its not.

But like.... Stolas just didn't listen to Blitz, didn't really let him make sense of everything, and when Blitz jumped to the (unfortunately) logical conclusion in his brain - which is both trauma AND because of this relationship's nature - Stolas was just done.

And like... I get it?? Because that's me. Bruh. Will be and have been changing my behaviour in the future. I'm aware of my flaws and thank you to my wonderful girlfriend for giving me my reality check. Very glad that I managed to listen to her... UNLIKE A SPECIFIC DEMON.

I understand that the yelling and the slamming doors down the corridor complaining about how shitty you are reminds you of your abusive ex wife, and honestly whilst you should have listened to him in an ideal world, getting yourself out of a situation you can't handle is understandable and valid. BUT - and this is important - YOU NEED TO LET HIM HAVE SOME TIME TO PROCESS. AND LET HIM TALK.

Blitz was justified in yelling in my opinion. Stolas was also justified in teleporting him away because he yelled in my opinion too. But they both need serious reality checks.

I just don't think Stolas is ever thought to be in the wrong with any of this. He should have listened and not be so impulsive with his actions. He never really thought of the reality behind it (seemingly) and was so certain that because *his* emotions and feelings change and adapt quickly along with his, like, reality and wants and needs(???), it doesn't mean Blitz's will too.

Anyway sorry for the rant lmaooooo. Was not expecting Fizz in that episode I love that little robot imp man favourite character yayyy

[triplexdoublex]

Let Go (Chapter 3)

Pairing: Jxdn x Landon

Tags/warnings: internalized homophobia, homophobia, discussions on limits and boundaries, cum tasting/eating .

Jaden

“How’d therapy go?” Landon asks, when I return from the studio. He’s already in bed, clad in just his boxers and I let my eyes linger. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Pretty good, actually. I know I’ve got a long journey of self acceptance ahead of me, but I feel like I’m off to a good start.” I say as I strip off today's clothes and climb into bed in my boxers as well.

“That’s awesome, J, I’m so happy for you! And fuck, dude I’m so proud of you!” He pulls me into a bear hug, and I’m very aware of his skin against mine.“I know how scared you were!”

“Thanks, man.” I pat his leg. “My therapist said when I got home she wanted me to practice saying my sexuality out loud, even if just to myself, but I’d like to do it with you.

“Of course!” He takes my hand.

“Ok here goes nothing ….I umm, I guess I’m bisexual? No uhhh um I think— oh fuck it — I’m bisexual!” I exhale loudly. God, that felt surprisingly good to say out loud.

“Great job, man! I know that must have been tough, but you did it!” He tightens his grip on my hand. “Actually, there’s something I wanna share with you. As if it’s not blatantly obvious by now, I’m also bisexual. And that’s the first time I’ve ever said that aloud as well, even though I’ve known for quite a while.”

“Wait, really?” I’m completely taken by surprise. “How long have you known?”

“I dunno,” He shrugs. “As long as I can remember? I just kept it to myself. It wasn’t due to shame or anything, it was just more of a guilty pleasure I guess. I never had the desire to really be with another man in real life, but I definitely found both men and woman attractive and watched A LOT of gay porn.” He laughs at his admittance.

“So what changed? What made you want to act on it?

“Honestly?,” Landon took a deep breath…“You.”

“Me?!”

“Yes, you! And I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. It’s not like this was my plan all along. Our friendship, everything I’ve ever shared or said , it was all one hundred percent genuine. In fact my ummm… my crush on you didn’t even start until more recently.”

“Your crush?” I tease with a smirk.

“Oh, stop!” Landon gives my shoulder a playful shove. “You’re sexy as fuck and you know it!”

“You’re -uhhhm— You’re not so bad yourself.” I shove him back.

For a moment we just sit there looking at eachother, basking in the hue of our blushed cheeks.

“So what else did she have to say?” Landon asks.

“She said since I had been conditioned for so long to think homosexuality was wrong, that even though I’ve changed my way of thinking about others, and rationally I now realize it’s okay to be gay, subconsciously my mind still harbors the shame and guilt that I’ve been conditioned to think I should feel about it. She also said that over time, and working through it in therapy and with life expirences, the conditioning can be undone.”

“That’s fantastic, I’m willing to help you in any way you need, J.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate it. I talked about you a lot today actually.” I feel myself start to blush again.

“Really?” He smiles at me, and I swear my heart skips a beat.

“Really. So first obviously I told her about what’s been happening between us, and how that’s actually why I started questioning my sexuality in the first place. And later she asked me if I had any kind of support system, and I said just you, and I started telling her about what a great friend you are, and how you comforted me during my freak out last night. She said I’m lucky to have a friend like you… and umm maybe I could see if you’re interested in helping me explore my sexuality more?

“Absolutely. Even though I’ve accepted my sexuality, I’ve never really explored mine either, outside of porn. I’m down for whatever, but I don’t wanna cross any boundaries for you. Is there anything you know you're not comfortable with right now? Or anything you know you definitely wanna try? Landon asks.

“So I’m okay with still doing what we’ve been doing. But I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any kind of like assplay or anal sex right now… maybe eventually but right now it still feels like - I dunno .. too —“

“Gay?” Landon offers

“I was trying to think of a better way to say it,” I laugh “But yeah, basically.”

“I understand, and respect your boundaries completely,” he places a hand on my thigh and my body’s doing that thing where I get all warm again. “Anything you wanna try?”

“Actually—“ I pause, nervously running my hand through my bleach blonde hair. “I’ve actually been thinking about kissing you… like a lot.”

Landon

“So do it!” I insist. I could easily just kiss him first, and lead the kiss for him. As much as I want to, I want him to gain the confidence and I want him to explore what power dynamic he enjoys more; does he enjoy taking control or would he rather submit to it.

He leans his whole body forward, and with his hands gently pushing on my chest, he connects our lips. Guided by his hands, I let myself fall back on the bed as he climbs on top of me. His hands find mine and interlock, softly pinning them down as our mouths open and close against eachother. Just as I’m wondering how far he’s willing to take the kissing I feel his tongue slide against mine. His hungry mouth swallows down my involuntary moan at the long awaited sensation. And fuck, I can’t take it anymore, I need control. With our hands still interlocked, I quickly flip us so that I’m on top and start moving my kisses to other places: along his jawline , down his neck, over his clavicle—-pausing only to unabashedly bury my nose in his underarms breathing him in—-and down his chest and sternum. I fall in love with the way he says my name in soft whispered breaths and the way his body writhes as I kiss down his stomach and over his happy trail. I start to slide his boxers down to take him into my mouth when I feel him tense.

“You okay? I check in with him

“Damn at least take me on a proper date first,” Jaden jokes. The message is loud and clear; he’s not ready for that yet. But also did he just say date?

“Wait, you really want me to take you on a date? Like a boyfriends date?” Maybe I’m reading into this too much.

“Yeah, I umm I was doing a lot of thinking today after therapy and I-I like that title for us, feels right, ya know?” Oh god do I know!

“Well boyfriend,” I tease. “We can’t just leave you like this.” I motion to his barely concealed hard on. “I want you to tell me what you want?”

“Your hand.”

We both completely strip out of boxers — fully nude in front of eachother for the first time— and sit side-by-side at the head of the bed. Sure it’s the same thing we’ve been doing every night but I don’t mind, especially since we’re not hiding in the dark this time. And good lord his cock is beautiful; on the higher end of average, and veiny with a defined, bell shaped, pink tip. I love being able to not only feel— but actually see how hard he is for me. I can only hope he’s enjoying the new view as well, but if his dick is anything to go by, I’d say he’s loving it.

Jaden

Fuck! Landon’s huge—both length and girth, it’s almost embarrassing being naked next to him. I mean I could tell he was somewhat big from how how he’s felt in my hand at night but I didn’t expect this big. It feels so fucking good—up and down, up and down— this sensual rhythmic routine of ours. It’s so hott being able to watch him stroke me, and see myself stroking him in return. And just when I think it can’t get any hotter, Landon cums, his white seed spilling out so forcefully it clears my hand completely, and lands on his stomach and chest. The site makes me bust instantly, my eyes rolling so far back in my head I swear they do a three sixty before Landon comes back into focus. He’s looking at me with mischievous eyes and the next thing I know I’m watching in complete awe as he laps my cum off the back of his hand like cat grooming itself.

“What?, you think I haven’t tasted your cum before.” Landon smirks, “Nothings changed besides the lights being on,” he winks as he licks the rest off.

I don’t think my dicks ever twitched as hard as it just did— in fact I’m pretty sure if Landon hadn’t just emptied my balls , I’m be cumming again. Suddenly, I’m finding myself wanting to taste him too. I look down at my hand to see if there’s at least a drop that made it onto my skin, but there’s not. But as if Landon can read my mind, he promptly sweeps two fingers across his stomach and feeds me his cum.

“Suck,” he instructs, and I do, albeit a little timid and awkwardly, but I do. I’m nervous about the taste and texture but it’s surprisingly better than I expected; salty and warm as it slips down my throat. The experience kinda makes me wish I didn’t just put off blow jobs until the first date, but my therapist said that while I’m exploring my sexuality, I should set limits based on my comfort, and never push past them in the heat of the moment or off the high of an orgasm, because I might regret it later. But the only thing I regret right now is setting that limit in the first place.

[andrew-thy-accursed]

God forgive Andrew for asking so many questions about 1995, but I need to know HOW PELLE SURVIVED. I assumed that maybe he aimed differently and the bullet just didn't go through his skull, but Pelle's design suggests otherwise…. I'm sorry if this is stupid or you answered it yourself, but anyway, thanks for any answer, sweetie!)

Well first off, I don't mind being repeatedly asked questions lol. I just take some time to respond and have what I want to write down figured out and this one is slightly longer again lmao!

But also: warning for discussions of self harm via shotgun & shotgun injuries.

So with gunshot wounds there is typically scarring on healed impacts, especially with point blank range. (Because the shotgun would've been pressed directly against the skin) this typically leaves burn scarring, due to the heat that comes from the barrel of a gun (hence the reason why the scar is so large on the side of his face)

I imagine it wasn't directly placed on his eye, due the the fact that I feel his hands would've been very shaky or have tremors, and as someone who experiences hand tremors regularly, when I get injured or have high stress/anxiety my tremors get worse; so I'd imagine that would happen there too. There are stories and actual accounts of war survivors and regular people who have been shot in the head and having survived due to bullets missing the brain/heart/vital organs by mere millimeters. I'd imagine the bullet from the shotgun would have missed Pelle's brain however his eye couldn't be saved due to the fact of it being point blank range, and burning the eye past a point of recovery. Now I figure that instead of directly passing after this he's still conscious for a period of time granted not a fully aware state and Øystein comes back shortly after Pelle attempted to take his life.

Pelle would be able to recover although he would need extensive aftercare & post-operative therapy, as he is now partially blind and needs to take care of his scalp especially in the scarred area as it's much more sensitive due to his injury. There are people that have required necessary surgeries where part of their skull is removed for surgical procedures, and it remains removed and go on to live healthy lives post-surgery and recovery (See: Cranirctomies as an example where part of the skull is removed to relieve pressure on the brain from certain brain conditions and is not replaced after surgery)

I would share medical photos of healed craniectomies, but I'm not going to as I cannot confirm if photos were taken ethically with consent from the patients; and I'd rather not even to begin to start to ask someone for the purposes of my alternate universe, unless it is shared willingly already online via papers/patients or with me!

[ca-suffit]

Ca I'm fucking tired I swear 😭 These people will pull out 'Claudia is a stand in for Anne's daughter' 'Lestat is Stan' 'Louis is her' I EVEN FUCKING HEARD 'She wrote TOTBT after her dad died and Talbot is an incarnation of her memory for him' (real unflattering for him I guess) or how intrinsically she was connected to Lestat.

BUT GOD FUCKING FORBID, that someone brings out her statement about 14 year olds being adults when talking about the erotic depiction of Armand's sexual assault, and the complete tolerance of it from every other character, and Marius being painted as a saviour, the good master, etc. Or her saying photographs of children in Vogue were erotic.

THEN it's 'seperate the art from the artist' 'depiction isn't endorsement' WELL GUESS WHAT YOU CAN'T PICK AND CHOOSE THIS SHIT. I'm sorry that so many people formed a parasocial relationship with this woman, because her work is actually much more interesting when you're able to critique it and figure all the ways of how or why it's fucked up.

(obligatory thank you for existing Ca and welcome back, your blog is a safe haven for people who have anything to say outside of the echo chamber. 🖤)

tw: csa

the way I see a lot of how she wrote in her books and what she said on these topics in interviews is that she prbly experienced it firsthand and spent a lifetime never confronting it. that's what happens with some trauma victims, they stay locked into that mindset from being a child victim and end up repeating these justifications for shit bcuz they can't ever escape. I dislike the woman greatly and idk if I'd call it "pity" for her, but I feel some kind of something for someone who had the means to get rly extensive therapy and instead used it to lash out at ppl (her own fans a lot of the time) until she died. now her fans are repeating the same behaviors and also having no self-awareness of that, while not even having access to her wealth so even more wtf are u all doing.

it *is* a lot more insightful to question everything in these books and look at her too, which is why I was first surprised af that this didn't routinely happen when I first had awareness of this fandom too. There's plenty of ppl who do it, they just don't last long in the very public area of fandom spaces bcuz the rabid "gothic romance" types chase them all out, bcuz they can't undo their special image of her and/or look at their own trauma they're using this to escape from (or did as kids) and they make that everyone else's problem.

(also ty for the nice comments<3)

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Twenty-Seven (Part 2)

Jude is on Skype when I get to Clontarf. I hear his smooth, low voice reverberate through the walls of his bedroom and I stand there for several moments trying to gauge whether or not he’s having the kind of conversation that I can just barge in on. I hear him laugh and say something that sounds casual rather than job-interview-like, so I push through the door. 

“Oh, Evie just got here,” He says to the person on call with him, “Do you want to say hi?”

Who wants to say hi to me? I gingerly place my bag onto his chair and perch on the bed with him. A wide, round face beams at me through the screen. “Well hello there,” the woman says, “gosh, what a beautiful girl!”

“Thank you,” I say self-consciously, tucking my hair behind my ears, and Jude puts his arm around me to kiss my temple hello. “This is my girlfriend, Evie, and Evie, this is my great aunt Maureen.”

“Oh, from America,” I say, which makes her laugh for some reason. 

“Well I’m happy to know he’s mentioned me!” She says, and she has a similar accent to him, or, maybe the reverse of it. An Irish woman who held fiercely to her Dublin syllables even after decades in America, even though that southwestern twang has crept in along the edges and slowed it all down so that she doesn’t sound in a hurry anymore. I bet it’s too damn hot in New Mexico to do anything at speed, including talking. 

“When will you come and visit?” She says then, and I don’t know if she’s speaking to him or me or us both, but I let Jude answer her while I sit there and feel like an alien. Nobody knows that I just bawled my eyes out at my therapist’s office and said that I said I constantly think about dying. 

“God, we’d love to. Maybe later in the year, do you think?” Jude is saying, “You know I’ve really been missing America lately.”

“‘Cause it’s been so long since you’ve come! Come for Thanksgiving, won’t you? I think it’d be perfect with all the kids around, although, you know, I can hardly call them kids when they’ve all got kids of their own. Evie, have you ever had a thanksgiving?”

“No, Maureen, I haven’t,”

“You’ll love it. Love it,” and in case I have any doubt about how much I’ll love it she and Jude proceed to have a lengthy conversation about all the food they used to cook together, pumpkin this and pumpkin that, I’ve never had pumpkin anything, and the alien feeling intensifies. 

The conversation moves onto other things then, and I get restless when Maureen starts asking Jude about his job search. He tells her what’s been happening, the interview with a prop place near Portsmouth that he didn’t get a good feeling from, his correspondence with another studio in London, and the interview lined up for Tuesday at another, and then I wait for her to say the inevitable, which she does, “Why don’t you just come to America?”

He starts telling her why it’s not an option right now while she reminds him of all the things he used to love about it before he was ripped out of his precious homeland by his evil parents and then I get off the bed and start picking items of his clothing off the floor and folding them away. I’m aware that obsessive cleaning is what my mother does when my father has done something to piss her off, and consider the value of bringing this fact to my next therapy session with Helen. Maybe she’ll have something enlightening to say about it. 

What’s so great about America anyway? I toss a rogue sock into his hamper. What do they have that we don’t have? Aside from like, semi automatic machine guns and UFOs? There’s so much stuff on this floor. I scoop up a pile of books and plop them onto his desk. Just because he’s American doesn’t mean that he has to just go back there. Why do people keep saying that? He doesn’t want to. He wants to move to London so I can’t see why people can’t just shut up about it. He lived in Berlin for four years, for God’s sake, so why is it inconceivable that he might see himself in-

“Evie, why are you cleaning my room?”

“Hm?”

Jude snaps his laptop shut, “I don’t want you to clean my room.”

“Did you hang up on Maureen?”

“No we said goodbye,” His eyebrow twitches, “She said goodbye to you too.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear her,” I grab a Nike runner and then the other once I’ve located it under a discarded sweatshirt.

“Um, you can stop cleaning if you want.”

“Okay,” I find a place for them and stash them neatly at the bottom of the open wardrobe and feel his eyes on me. 

“You just kind of walked away mid conversation,” he points out delicately. 

“Well, it was your conversation to have. I didn’t think I was going to just, like, walk in on like that. I would have waited if I’d known. Gone for a walk along the seafront or something.”

“I didn’t know how much you didn’t want to talk to Maureen, honestly.” I glance at him and he looks hurt, which is too much to bear at the moment, so I grab a fistful of pencils and shove them back into an upturned pencil case by their side. “Evie, stop. What’s the matter?”

“Well I just had my first therapy session, and you didn’t ask about it.”

“I haven’t had a chance to, c’mere, tell me about it.”

“You knew I was there and you knew when I’d be back and you talked to your great aunt anyway.”

“She called me. I wasn’t going to not pick up on her, she doesn’t call me often.”

“Okay, well…” I can’t think of anywhere else to put my anger and end up channelling it into the zip of the pencil case, which won’t close around the pencils I’ve shoved into it even though there are way too many of them to fit. Jude has the audacity to take the whole thing out of my hand. “Stop cleaning,” he says firmly. “What is wrong? Come here, please, tell me about your session.”

“You think I’m crazy,” I say, because I’ve just been acting crazy. 

“I don’t. Come here.”

I don’t budge. 

“Evie.”

“Why is everyone insisting that you move to America?”

“What? Nobody is insisting that, why are you saying that?”

“Maureen just did.”

“She means it as a joke, she doesn’t think I’m actually going to move back, it’s just that she misses me, I suppose,” He runs his fingers through the front of his hair, “I was like her kid for a while and then I moved away, and I don’t go and visit enough, she’s just… well it’s just wishful thinking.”

“My cousin’s girlfriend said it too.”

He makes a face, “Your cousin’s girlfriend doesn’t know anything about me.”

“She knows that they make movies in LA.”

“Yeah, so does everybody, no prizes to her for that one.”

“I just think that you’re going to change your mind about London and you’re going to contact a studio in LA, it seems like an obvious thing to do.” I’m wound so tightly that I can’t even imagine trying to move my body. My hand is still frozen in a claw like it’s trying to force up the zip of the pencil case that’s now sitting on the bed out of reach, and Jude’s eyebrows fly up incredulously. “You told me to contact a studio in LA.”

“Have you done it?”

“I’m a bit afraid to say that I have.”

“Oh right.”

“For feedback. It was your idea.”

“Well you never said that you contacted them, it’s like you were keeping it a secret from me.”

“I would have if you’d given me a chance to talk to you, but you just came in here and started picking fights with me.”

“I don’t want a fight.”

“Then quit picking one.”

“How many places did you contact?”

He sighs, “Come on, Evie.” “No, how many?”

“Four, I think.”

“Four?”

“Yeah, four, and they haven’t responded yet, so there’s nothing to report back.”

“Okay, well, maybe they won’t.”

He leans onto an elbow and stares down at his nails, shaking his head, and I feel threatened by this. Is he angry with me? Disappointed?

“What?” I demand shakily. 

He purses his lips. 

“Jude, what?”

“Would you be pleased if none of the LA studios ever responded to me?”

“Would I be-”

“I mean if I sent emails to those places with a long enthusiastic letter tailored to each individual one, attached my portfolio that I’ve worked myself to the bone on for the last year, and merely asked for their feedback on it, would it make you happy if they all ignored me?”

I’m flabbergasted. That’s obviously not what I meant. “Of course I wouldn’t.”

“Okay because it just feels like you’re pretty relieved by the thought that none of them might want anything to do with me, and like, for the record, it’s not like I think I’m good enough to work for them, okay? I’m not that delusional, but at this point it feels like I’ll take any help I can get, because nothing is working out. I’ve applied for dozens of jobs this summer and I’ve heard nothing from the vast majority of them. They don’t even reply to me to say I’m not suitable most of the time, that’s how shitty they all think I am, so if the interview with that London place doesn’t pan out next week and nobody from LA comes back to me with a shred of guidance on my portfolio then I really don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s looking like I’ll end up getting some shit job in a fucking Aldi just so I have something to do with my time so it’s really great to know that you’re gunning for me to fail.” 

He flips onto his back with the heels of his hands in his eye sockets and lets out a groan of despair, “I’m not used to failure. I don’t know how to handle myself.”

I want to crumple to the floor in anguish. I am dreadful. Perhaps I should leave town and change my name and save him the effort of breaking up with me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know- I should be more supportive. I don’t want you to fail. I only want the opposite.”

“Why did you come over if you were going to be like this? I was looking forward to seeing you and hearing about your session, and now…” He trails off, but he needn’t say more because I know what he means. I’ve taken what could have been a good moment and soured it because of the inherent ways that I am. This is the first crack, I think, the moment that I will look back on and think, yes, that’s when we both knew unequivocally that I’d make him unhappy. Perhaps, I think, I should get back on the bus and go back to Helen and tell her that I’ve changed my mind and I’d like to take pills after all, because being numb and sedated seems like a nice idea all of a sudden.

“I’m sorry Jude,” I whisper again, and I perch on the edge of the bed with my back to him because I can sense he’s doing that thing he does when he’s upset, where he shuts himself off to me and builds a wall around himself, and I don’t want to see that glazed, stony look on his face ever again. 

Except he isn’t doing that. His hand is on my shoulder, “Evie, c’mere.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, can I have you?”

“Have me?”

“Yeah I just want to hold you for a while. I don’t want to be like this. I’ve had enough relationships where I fight, I don’t want it with you, please.”

This is new, I think, as he bundles me into his arms and lays down with me so that my face is nestled against his collarbone, the flutter of his breath in my hair, and there is nothing to look at so I close my eyes and breathe him in. “I’ve upset you,” I murmur.

“I’m alright, it’s just been a weird time,” he plants an almost impossibly tender kiss on the crown of my head, “and I’m edgy.” 

“I know. It’s fair enough. I really didn’t mean that I want you to fail , I want everything for you, I want you to succeed and I know you will, I think that’s why I’m scared, because the possibilities are so endless and your life could take you anywhere-”

“I don’t want anywhere I want here.”

Here feels pretty good, with our legs wound together and his heartbeat beneath my ear. The warmth and darkness he’s made for me in his arms is like a cocoon that I never want to emerge from. He squeezes me as tightly as his restraint will allow him, “Christ,” he says, “I love you so much it’s nuts.”

“I love you too.”

“It’s never like this, not with anyone else. I’ve never felt like this before. I want you to know how serious I am.”

“So intense,” I laugh into his chest and he squeezes an involuntary sound out of me and I squeak like a child’s toy. 

“I love you too much to fight with you. Let’s not do that again.”

“That’d mean I’d have to stop being insane, I think.”

“You’re not insane, don’t say that.”

“My therapist said that.”

“No she did not.”

“Okay,” I chuckle, “She didn’t.”

“What did she say?”

But I’m too cosy to go there right now. I snuggle up against him, and it’s the kind of embrace that makes it easy to forget that hardship and badness exists. “Hmm, I’ll tell you in a sec,” I promise, and bask in blissful feelings for just five more minutes. 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[luvhughes43]

i just finished binging your blake hughes au and MY GOD do i LOVE it I ADORE IT REALLY and i would like to ask the following:

first, has blake dated people before nico? if she has what would happen if they ran into an ex of hers who never really got over her? (bc lbr blake is THAT girl)

second, what are their date nights usually like? i like to think theyre pretty chill people and that they find things to do at home together like painting or making clay sculptures

third, was blake's pregnancy/delivery hard? i hope it wasnt :(( and did carrying rudi kind of mess with her back a bit? and has nico ever done the thing where the dad lifts up the belly for a bit to offer some relief?

fourth, blake and jack are twins which is the cutest thing ever! what are your personal headcanons for them as twins? and does blake have a favorite brother?

fifth, do they have more kids after rudi? or is that a long time away?

lastly, what do you think the hischier-hughes combo are up to right now?

im soso happy you love the au!! it means so much fr🫂🤍

first: blake had a summer fling with alex turcotte when they were both younger and that does cause some awkwardness with nico because he wasnt aware of their relationship before staying at the lake house. other than that we havent really discussed any other relationships ! but maybe she dates a guy for a year or two before she gets to know nico. the ex lives in nyc and he never really got over blake after they broke up (bc she is that girl🤭). blake and they ex have a few mutual friends and so maybe the ex tries to talk shit about blake and her relationship with nico. blake ends up hearing about it but she doesnt really gaf. nico gets upset about the shit talking though and gets a little possessive if they see the ex out in public. not aggressive though nico will just be extra touchy with blake which she doesn't mind one bit.

second: they are very chill ! their date nights at home usually include making dinner or dessert, painting (they've definitely done that tiktok trend where u paint your partner then do a reveal), and a little self-care spa evening🫶 when they do go out though they like to try new restaurants, see a concert in the city, dance lessons (?). i feel like blake would be obsessed with learning salsa or something and she would def make nico be her partner !

third: blake struggled with her back during her pregnancy ! she had to start PT again but nico was very helpful ! he was definitely lifting her belly, helping her with her physical therapy, etc.

fourth: jack and blake are the sassiest siblings and they 100% match each others attitude. when they were younger they'd get into arguments over literally anything but they would also forgive each other in an instant (still true once they're older). as for favourites, blake is the closet with jack and hes literally her other half but her unspoken favourite is quinn ! blake and quinn gossip like no other. on the other hand, blake babies luke soo much.

fifth (literally do not know how i missed this i’m so sorry babes): i personally think they should have one more but i’ve gotten mixed feedback… what do u guys think? because i totally see them as being a single child household but then again, they both grew up with siblings so i can see them having more babies down the line…

lastly: the hughes/hischier combo are in nyc helping blake and nico move into their first apartment ! blakes got her brothers and her bf working overtime building furniture and carrying hers & nicos things up to their apartment ! she rewards everyone with tickets to an upcoming country concert that the group had been debating on going to <3

thank u so much for the questions i really loved answering them🫂

[disruptivevoib]

Regarding my previous ask

He made a mirror that reflected all of his projective self-hatred and self-critique back at him in an effort to try and succeed at therapy where your therapist is you. (You but in the mirror, the mirror which reflects everything you give it, the everything you give it being what you perceive yourself as, being what you want, all of that. Being what you hate most or what you might love most hating you.)

and he sat in that mirror for like three months as he systematically dismantled his own self-perception in order to rebuild it (he failed, because the mirror got broken, thank god. It would've been very very bad had he continued down that path. He would've been shattered into a bunch of different facets of his self-perception otherwise and mentally drowned in himself, basically.)

It's a big metaphor (is it even a metaphor??) for over-introspection and self-analysis/awareness.