#than writing is not only writing and is a necessary tool for human survival? thinking that is bad?

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

I feel sorry for those against pretentiousness like, no, the curtain was not just blue. Yes, the background music does have a meaning. Yes, the author describing the character’s surroundings has a meaning and it is a representation of the characters. Yes, using metaphors and lines from poems as a way to express your own feelings is perfectly alright. Is more, it helps you explain them more clearly. Human emotions are an incredible thing, incomprehensible and inconsistent. Expressing it by simply saying “I’m upset” or “I like you” doesn’t cover the whole range of emotions someone can feel.

[talesofsonicasura]

To Save A DogDay

I couldn't help but write this after seeing the constant dedication of saving the giant toy doggo. So here's something to assist you guys in the effort. I've done some research(even though Google was being an ass) and took a look at this particular post by @dafloof

First off, DogDay is surprisingly big despite being cut in half. If I have to compare his size then think of those giant plushies you win from a theme park or carnival game. Thus the only possible carry for the average person to safely escort him is bridal or hanging off like a koala on the side due to the grab pack. He might be able to shrink himself to a more manageable size if DogDay is similar to CatNap in body structure.

Although that doesn't mean the task is impossible outside of adrenaline. DogDay may be big you got to think about his possible weight. Bigger Bodies are still toys with the Smiling Critters being plushies. How much of him is stuffing and not organs?

The necessary body parts for him to still be alive are the lungs, heart, brain, stomach, and some sort of skeletal structure. Here's a weight chart for the average human. (Although these might be smaller if harvested back as a child than an adult.)

Stomach: 2-4 pounds/lbs

Brain- 2.5 pounds/lbs

Heart- 0.25 pounds/lbs

Lungs- 1.8 pounds/lbs

Human Skeleton- 15-25 pounds/lbs

Average weight here 21.05 - 31.05 lbs. His arm bones might be reinforced similar to the Prototype but they still wouldn't be that heavy. For carrying in your arms, 35- 55 lbs is what the the untrained person can hold. Body weight contributes to how much someone can carry with a 139 lbs untrained woman being able to deadlift around 74 lbs. For men it is 125 lbs for 148 lbs.

Adrenaline can help contribute to this as there have been feats done by people in dangerous situations. One example being a human mother fighting off a polar bear to protect her kids or someone moving a car by themselves to get free. We can do insane things when it comes to survival.

There's also the mental side to this. Our brains actually diminish the perception of how strong we are by 40%. If you carry something you love or cherish like a person, then they can weigh less just from that viewpoint. Sometimes thinking like the Little Engine That Could will make a difference.

Now I am not forgetting the dangerous little critters. There are ways to deal with them and have enough time to bring DogDay along. In his cell, there are two ports they can crawl out of. Blocking these whether by flares or stuffing them with nearby items can do the trick.

Second is bribery. We aren't restricted to the environment like in the game and throughout the facility there are intact vending machines. The toys obviously need to eat but seem unable get into the machines. YOU CAN.

Break the glass and stockpile as much snacks as possible. Finding bags or boxes to carry them wouldn't be hard. Offer these to the little Critters in exchange for DogDay. You can open one bag for further incentive as the chance to get a special treat is something no one will be able to resist.

DogDay might be able to drag himself so breaking the chains with the Grab Pack or a different tool is possible. They are probably rusty thus easier to break. It will obviously hurt for DogDay to drag his body so stealing something like a cushion from CatNap's hideyhole could ease the pain.

Should that not be the case then other options are available. Considering Playcare is a fun house, you might be able to find scooterboards or a platform cart to carry him. If not then a makeshift sled to pull DogDay about is the next best move.

Now there's actually another escape route. A duck ride that you couldn't access in the game due to bugs. I think Mob was planning for a chase down there as it is fully fleshed out with puzzles and an environment.

DogDay can hold onto the boat while you solve the puzzles to get out. For those who hadn't chosen bribery then flares will keep pursuing Little Critters away. Maybe set a fire as you escape since there's plenty of items to make a molotov cocktail if crafty enough.

I suggest finding some walkie talkies as someone needs to look after DogDay. The area under the statue can be a possible safe spot but being able to contact Kissy Missy and Poppy will better the chances of his recovery than just survival. Both know the factory's inner works enough to remain hidden so they might know where to find supplies. A possible ally with valuable info can sway them to help.

There is also the option of coming back to Playcare. DogDay might still be alive as you can hear his muffled cries during the chase. He might be worse for wear due to the little menaces piloting him like a bootleg Megazord. Walkie talkies can help you page Kissy Missy to help with escorting the Bigger Body safely.

It is possible to save DogDay if you are smart or crafty enough to use the environment. The factory offers a lot of potential options to help with that. Do know that you can turn a simple water gun into a flamethrower.

Why follow the rules of the game when there are ways to break them?

[the-virgoperspective]

Part 2

Hello all! I just wanted to share what I have been learning while reading up on composite charts. The composite chart is a very interesting and helpful tool to show one what a relationship looks like with themselves and another person. The composite chart is casted by using the midpoint of each planet from each individual natal chart and creating a completely new chart for the individuals as one. This method can apply for just two people or multiple people. For a better understanding of midpoints in astrology, please click here.

In this post, I will be using the writings of Robert Hand, from his novel “Planets in Composite: Analyzing Human Relations” to explain the meaning and significance of each house in the composite chart. Please always keep in mind that this is only one vital step to reading an entire composite chart and should not be seriously considered without viewing everything as a whole. This is just one piece. Enjoy!

The Composite 7H

The composite seventh house, like the first, is a sign of a relationship in which the two people are truly trying to function as a unit. The seventh is the house of intimate one-to-one encounters. If a chart is on the whole favorable, a strong seventh house is a good indication that any kind of partnership, including marriage, can survive. A strong and well-aspected seventh house is not absolutely necessary for a marriage or business partnership, but it helps.

A clearly seventh-house relationship that is not well-aspected will still be an intimate encounter, but the people may be enemies or at least competitors. This is because the seventh is also the house of one’s open enemies.

Obviously a strong seventh house cannot guarantee a marriage between two people who love each other, but because they will think of themselves as a unit, it is quite likely that they will get married or at least live together.

A strong seventh-house chart is also favorable to any one-to-one relationship in which one person consults the other, such as a patient and doctor, patient and psychotherapist, client and astrologer, client and lawyer, or client and any other type of professional.

The Composite 8H

In traditional astrology, one meaning of the eighth house has been joint finances and property, or the “partner’s” finances and property. In a composite chart it is difficult to distinguish between the meanings of the second and eighth, because one cannot clearly distinguish between the two partners. One difference is that the eighth house can refer to finances and property of people outside the relationship. Otherwise it is difficult to separate the two houses, insofar as they both refer to value and things that are valued. Therefore the reader is urged to review the second house for further information.

Traditionally it is the house of death, but this meaning is not limited to actual physical death. It really means the passing away of an old order and the building up of a new one. Therefore we refer to the eighth house as the house of major transformations.

A strong eighth house may signify some great involvement with property, but it is more likely to mean a relationship of great significance that will bring about major changes in the lives of the two people, especially at the psychological level.

Whenever you encounter a strong eighth-house chart, be sure to keep in mind the double nature of this house. It’s effects can be manifested at either level or both at once.

The Composite 9H

The composite ninth house signifies the overall view of the world taken by the persons involved in a relationship. The phrase “consciousness-expanding” is often used in the delineations, because a ninth-house relationship usually broadens the views of the two people. They are exposed to new ideas and forced to think in terms of a broader spectrum of possibilities than before.

Since the ninth is the house of ideas and consciousness, a strong ninth house enables people to communicate at a very high level. They can really understand each other and share their views with one another. Of course, difficult aspects to this house, especially involving Saturn, can turn this around so that failure of communication becomes a major factor that weakens the relationship. Similarly, some planetary combinations, particularly Mars and Pluto, can create intense competition on the intellectual level and great resistance to each other’s views. The one certainty is that a strong ninth house will make it very important that the two people have a strong intellectual relationship. If they do not, that fact will be the major source of difficulty between them.

The Composite 10H

The tenth house in the composite chart has much the same significance that it has in the conventional natal chart. However, “career” seems to have little relevance for a relationship, unless it is a business or professional relationship. But even in an individual horoscope, the tenth house has a much deeper meaning. It tells about a person’s development as an individual, a unique human being, and how they establish that uniqueness in the world. Because of this, the tenth house refers to status and reputation. It also tells about the directions of a person’s evolution and the principal occurrences of that process. All these matters apply in a composite chart, especially the uniqueness and evolutionary purpose of a relationship, both for the persons involved and for the outside world.

A strong tenth-house relationship will be more than normally concerned with directions. The two people will often ask, “What purpose does this serve in my life?” And often the encounter with each other will help them find out exactly what they are doing in this world.

The issues of the tenth house are more than ideals and hopes, which are ruled by the eleventh. They are plans that will probably be realized, because they are the real intention of the relationship.

The Composite 11H

A strong eleventh house is very appropriate in a composite chart, for it is the house of friendship. It does not limit a relationship to friendship, but it helps two people to be friendly in whatever they are doing together. This is especially important in a sexual relationship; lovers who have a strong eleventh house will also be friends. A strong eleventh house is an excellent house for a marriage composite.

Because it is also the house of hopes and wishes, a good, well-aspected eleventh house gives a relationship a strong sense of shared ideals. Both persons are looking for the same things in life.

Difficult aspects, especially those of Saturn, may bring about conflicts of ideals in a relationship. Or friendship may be denied, limiting a relationship to a purely professional one or a purely sexual one, without friendship.

In any case, a couple with a strong eleventh house must be able to share with each other a great deal of their lives. Otherwise it is not likely to be a very successful relationship.

The Composite 12H

The composite twelfth house has many of the same meaning as it has in an ordinary birth chart.

Basically, the twelfth house represents repressed thoughts. It signifies once-conscious ideas that have been eliminated from the waking mind because the mind has chosen not to deal with them. The twelfth also clearly indicates the environmental factors that has caused the thoughts to be repressed. The traditional meanings concerning hospitals, prisons, and other places of confinement do not really apply here.

In a strongly twelfth-house relationship, the persons involved do many things to and with each other that do not make sense in terms of what is really happening between them. As a result, they wind up dealing with behavior patterns automatically when they should be making a thorough, conscious evaluation of them. Even when a couple makes a great effort to deal with problems consciously and openly, There is often more going on that is raw, intimate, and heavily psychological than most people can deal with in a personal relationship.

If people can handle what comes up in a twelfth-house relationship, fine, and some people even enjoy such a relationship. Marriage is not normally recommended for a couple with very strong twelfth house. But there are those who benefit greatly from intense, day-to-day psychological encounters.

part 1

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[serknighted]

Danse & Hancock's parallels are eating my sanity slowly so by God I will write them here

So. Usually incredibly shy about posting my feelings about characters and my interpretations of them, but I don't think I can sit idly by without addressing 1. how much I love this post about Danse and how his story ties back to the isolation and loneliness of autism, and 2. how much I need more content between Hancock & Danse to exist, because my god sometimes I forget they hate each other in-game. (I strongly suggest you read the post mentioned & linked, they do a fantastic job framing Danse in a way I don't think I could fully articulate)

Danse & Hancock both have stories filled with themes of intense loneliness. Despite their hard work, effort, and prowess in the things they love, it doesn't take good sight to realize that neither of them are very well liked. It's not that they aren't respected, but whether it's Danse's all-too-formal approach to speaking, or Hancock's combination of hard drug use & almost constant overbearing presence (on top of years of slander from bigger cities, but we'll get into that), people see them as a tool of success and a good asset to have around, but not much of a friend, so to speak. Especially in Hancock's case, many people he is overly-affectionate with are often more annoyed by his presence than anything else (even if they do like him).

For Hancock, despite how much he claims to not relate to the isolation of the common ghoul, he's likely over-exaggerating his charisma in an effort to make himself more easily approachable, mostly for his own peace of mind rather than for others. While he sounds quite passive about things many others would react strongly to, I feel it's a combination of him having replaced a layer of how he truly feels with an element of sass on top of the drug use that makes all the trauma more easily bearable (to mixed effect).

One of his lines that has always struck me as conflicting with how he portrays himself is a common generic line he has while traveling with Sole Survivor, praising them for "living out the day" when most others could not. Hancock has seen so many people die to the brutal hands of the Commonwealth; whether it be Vic and his boys gunning down innocent drifters, seeing people succumb to the elements, or, in this case, simply not surviving their travels with him, Hancock seems to have a track record of never properly establishing proper bonds with others before they either die, or decide he's too overbearing to deal with further. He's one of those characters who desperately wants to have a deeper connection with those he loves, but he has consistently lost the chance to do so before he was ever ready, and so he chooses to fill the void with meaningless sexual relationships and one-night stands- anything to make him temporarily forget how much he hates himself and his almost comical lack of social understanding. It's a train of thought that I, as an autistic person, can really understand and relate to-- the desire to know people, but always feeling like no matter how you portrayed yourself, no one seems to want to be around you if you don't provide them with what they desire. It's caused him to deeply undervalue both how much he's done for people (since he believes its expected of him to constantly bend over backwards for the needs of others), and himself, all at the same time.

I don't think Danse fully recognizes how lonely he feels, a lot. He's been so heavily indoctrinated by the Brotherhood of Steel into believing that this is how he should be treated, that his work is for the betterment of humanity, that his sacrifice is a necessary one. The way he speaks almost carelessly about late brothers and sisters in arms makes me think really hard about how rooted this idea of only existing for the "greater good" is. Individuality is questionable & almost taboo, being different is outright abominable. It's the reason why the rhetoric of "Us vs. Them" works-- the BoS as a collective believe that they are doing good for all of humanity, and any outlier to that "perfect" formula is a threat not only to the BoS, but to everything they know. Danse is expected to bend over backwards for people, and no longer questions his loneliness or isolation, as he has all but given up his sense of self for what he believes is right. Another thing that I and many of my autistic friends relate to; a sense of justice so strong that it's overpowering. Like us, Danse is willing to sacrifice anything to do what's right... including himself.

Knowing this, it's easy to understand why he hates Hancock, and that backwards mindset is the reason Hancock hates him. It's an especially vicious cycle that constantly feeds into itself if unchecked, and Hancock knows that he alone cannot convince Danse to break that cycle. Hancock knows he can't beat Danse in a fight; all he has are his words, and logic is useless against an enemy that heeds to no truths. Even after Danse discovers his true nature... you can't expect him to unravel the years of constant reassurance that what he was taught was right in a single night. "Rome wasn't built in a day," and no one gets over their trauma so quickly, either. It's traumatic to have an explanation as to why people hate you. A catch-all reason to people's fear and distaste to you, that is also something you can never, ever change. Danse would sooner hate himself for what he is than accept those he used to murder without a second thought. It's the difficult reality of anyone attempting to unlearn painful conservative narratives; the shame & guilt of hurting others that are more similar to you than you ever wanted to know is sometimes more painful than realizing what you really are.

Hancock, albeit not even close to "recovered" from his mental woes, is much further along the path of acceptance to Danse, but not far enough away that he wouldn't understand where Danse is coming from. For so long, he sat idly by and watched people get hurt, even during his time in Diamond City. The constant conditioning to accept other people's pain as long as it wasn't happening to you still eats at his consciousness; just like Danse, he knows it was wrong to accept it, but the guilt makes it harder to deal with. He, of all people, would understand what it feels like to try so, so hard to fit in, to be normal and accepted, but never quite hit the mark of understanding where he fits in society. That's the reason he is the way he is now; his signature, his "Hancock," is to be as loud and out-of-place as possible-- a constant rebellion against what people expect him to be, a rebellion of oppression and unfair treatment. Danse's sheer existence is an involuntary rebellion of all BoS values, and even if Hancock would be hesitant to become close to Danse for a long while, I think he would be impressed by him, in the end, and more importantly, understand where he's coming from.

Their combined interest in both protecting the people they care about as well as the collective societies those people come from, as well as how nerdy they both are about US history... I think, eventually, they will realize how similar their lives were, how similar they are to each other, and maybe even find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in all of the waves of shame, guilt, and loneliness. That there is an overarching group of people who understand them, and that they do have a place in this world. I think once they recognize that similar traumas can manifest in polar opposite conditions (ones that they used to have a narrow, black-and-white outlook on), they'll also find that there is no real reason to hate each other anymore; the world has told them that they must hate each other, but they no longer have any need to listen.

TL;DR autistic Danse & Hancock ftw

[stuckasmain]

An interesting note about the movie is the way it approaches violence, there’s a bunch of interpretations already and I’m by no means the first. However, what I’ve noticed in my last few rewatches was how the film seems to take violence as a learned thing rather than an inherent human trait. (A much more common interpretation broadly).

In the book it’s much more clearly laid out but the group of man apes we follow are on the brink of dying out. They’re starved and a bit behind, the land they rely on to forage is bleak and picked through. They’re weak from starvation and overall very passive as even herbivores seem to knock them about and do better. There’s no memory, no thought really— they can’t go far even if the thought occurred to them. It is only through the monoliths influence that they begin to pick up tools, to hunt and fight and truly live instead of barely surviving. Now, violence was not introduced by the monolith - we see clearly the world around them is full of it— nor would tools be never used if not for its influence. It merely sped along the process, utilizing the time these man apes did not have. As the natural evolutionary time it would take them to realize this wouldn’t be met this group would starve before hand.

On the discovery we see a similar case of passivity, this time in the modern evolved man. This time the world surrounding them is not nearly as harsh and dangerous— in fact it’s coddling! While the nature of space travel is a incredible risk we see their world is comfortable and abundant. They have all the food, water, air, shelter they would need— in fact this world could operate very well on its own without them at all. Their position, unknown to them- or perhaps known deep down- is arbitrary. Hal is sort of like an all encompassing mother- their provider and world. They have no need for violence, though they know of it and are capable of it. In this case it is not the monolith’s influence but own instinct. This time man has the proper drive for survival and the tools to ensure that it lives.

On the discovery violence is influenced by circumstance- self preservation. Both from Hal (with additional influence of illness) and Frank and Dave. Interesting both the human and computer sides have the same goal: preservation of the mission and preservation of the self.

However evolved it shows there’s still a sense of primitive nature to the species as when a problem arises violence quickly becomes the only solution. Like with the ape men Dave and Frank must quickly abandon passivity when the land around them begins to fail (Hal, their world malfunctions. Just as the land around the apes is dead). They can no longer be a dependent. You can’t leave mother so you must kill her in this case.

To tie this back to- something- I was going somewhere initially. I think it shows a part of both the monolith’s plan but also a general lesson. To evolve past violence you must first know it.

There’s nuance to this, especially when comparing these examples of violence for survival vs. the more irrational type (war, countries fighting) examples we see later on. However I want to keep this brief so I can remain writing something coherent but the eventual idea is that humanity will evolve even past necessary violence into something like Dave becomes (again book has a whole thing on the alien theory. Strictly 2001 speaking)

[theromanticrationalist]

Young Sheldon Series Finale: 7x13 Funeral

So, I was delayed in watching the finale because I actually wanted to watch it with my own Dad, but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

😭

Damn, damn, damn, DAMN DAAAAAAAAMN!! So, that Funeral episode hit and it hit hard. (Did they really HAVE TO HAVE AN OPEN CASKET FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...ughughughughugh) The writing for that episode was the crème de la crème, and I think is the cathartic thematic climax of this series. The final episode was necessary for transitioning between YS and TBBT, which brings both stories together, but as far as the story YS was telling, Funeral was the show's end. It isn't a perfect ending and it wasn't a pretty ending, and in fact is quite devastating in so many ways, but it is truthful to Sheldon's journey, and to the human experience.

When Sheldon got up in front of the church to say a few words, playing out the scenario as he wished he had done it, that was the moment. The whole episode is Sheldon processing his grief - imperfect and messy as he has literally no tools or precedent to fall back on - as he replays his father leaving that fateful day over and over, tweaking it each time to make it "better". With a young man with an eidetic memory and a compulsive need for his reality to be orderly (and the fact that he believes in the Many-Worlds Interpretation), this would make sense. He begins be utilizing Star Trek (Spock's death) to filter it and provide context, but that no longer proves sufficient to the crushing and terrible emotions of what he is experiencing. That was a tool he used for when he was a boy, but now he has been thrust into the world of manhood in absolutely the worst way possible. What is it that will speak truest to what he is going through than the bare naked truth?

"I've been thinking a lot about the last moments I had with my Dad. It was morning and he was leaving for work. He said "See y'all later." And I said nothing. I regret that. I could have said bye. Or asked him for a ride. Or told him that I loved him, but I didn't. I barely noticed that he left. So many times that I didn't notice my father, I hope he knew how much I loved him."

From the audience's perspective we have been watching Sheldon play the scenario many times through his mind, and to have the rug pulled out from under us at this moment of all moments, to see that this too was only just a scenario (played out by Sheldon Prime), is exactly what it is like living in this world, enduring this life - not just for Sheldon but for all of us. In one of my previous posts I mentioned how I loved Sheldon Cooper's story because of what he could teach us. This episode encapsulates it in total. He can teach us that you cannot quantify life, you can't organize it so that everything makes sense and plays out in a well-structured narrative and format, where every feeling is named and every event categorized. Life is myriad, so much richer and so much fuller and so much wilder than anything we can imagine or think up on our own. It is what makes it utterly terrifying and wretched, but it is also part of its beauty and purpose. Sheldon Cooper comes to realize this, but he is only able to have this deeper understanding after first living it. Sheldon Prime's concluding narration at the end of Funeral is Sheldon Cooper's story taken as a whole - past, present, future - the life in movement. Of course young Sheldon would not experience his father's death in its completeness. He is the midst of it. He is trying to survive it. So I love the realness of Sheldon's "imperfect" response to his father's death in the fact that he didn't respond to it. He quite literally did not process it, and instead ran away from it. It is painful, brutal, but truthful. Yet that was not the end of Sheldon Cooper's story, as we know, and I think that leaves us with hope, but it is a kind of hope that must be waited for with profound patience.

Although I myself have not gone through the loss of a parent like Sheldon has, I still have gone through devastating and traumatic life events, so I am very familiar with the inexplicable and violating nature of grief and loss. I am still processing that grief and loss, so these thoughts I am sharing with you all right now are pretty recent revelations, and quite literally me living them out in real time, so it might be a little messy...hehe.

However, I will end this by saying that none of these truths mean that life is arbitrary. It doesn't mean it makes life meaningless. Just because human endeavors cannot place life within a context that he himself can first create and then comprehend, doesn't mean that life doesn't have a context and that that context can't be understood. It just means that that context comes from a different Source, an external and eternal one (and I will say, by necessity, a paternal one, but that is a thought for another day!)

Fitting then that the episode, and Young Sheldon, should end with the recitation of the Lord's prayer:

“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." | Matthew 6:9-10

[marvelousmagicalaura]

The Hero's Epiphany (mistborn short story)

Contains spoilers for Mistborn: Secret history and The Lost Metal.

Made this as a writing exercise. I want to get into writing fanfic. This is part-theory, part-fanfic, part what-I-wish-era 2 was about. This is framed as an excerpt I think could've been in the Words of Founding.

What if Sazed's arc was about coming to terms with being a Terris rebel, having a side of Ruin, and growing into a genuine leader of the Terris Dominance? About a Sazed who helped Kelsier make a republic. A Sazed who realized Preservation is not a saint, Ruin could be a good thing, and doesn't view things in terms of 'ruining' and 'preserving.'

As my mind expands, I realize these twin powers hold more than history and plans. They grant inheritance of my predecessors’ very memories, thoughts, and emotions. Strewn through the precognitive plans of my predecessors Leras and Ati, my mind perceives grand machinations of unfathomable complexity. And yet, in these machinations, I sense deep pain and nuance.

Leras went through the pains of sacrifice and mental decay. He planted clues and tools, hoping humanity could use them to fulfill his desired outcomes. Whether it be attuning Vin to the mists, or commanding Kelsier to Survive in the Pits of Hathsin. Ati lost himself throughout this several thousand year long conflict. Millennia ago he was a kind god who set up complex dominoes and gambits, aiming to destroy stagnant societies or threats to humanity. In stark contrast, by the time us crew members faced Ruin, he was a malicious force that cared not for life. But even in Ruin’s lowest moments, he genuinely believed the destruction of our world was a good thing.

It is easy to fall into the trap of viewing Preservation and Ruin as “good” and “evil.” But all things considered, they were each capable of great good and evil, depending on circumstances. Preservation placed Rashek into a position where he can use the Well’s power, in hopes his actions could eventually manifest the long-desired atium Mistings and Hero of Ages. However, in the coming centuries, Preservation stoked Rashek’s belief that brutal atrocities are necessary to enforce stability. Ruin arranged the occurrence of many skaa rebellions, and influenced the Keepers to preserve their knowledge. And of course, the Eleventh Metal played a key role in slaying the Lord Ruler. But at the same time, Ruin influenced Rashek and the Steel Inquisitors into doing terrible things. 

I am only beginning to understand the moral complexity of Scadrial’s gods. And yet, it would be disingenuous to claim I do not feel anger. They have let humanity suffer under a thousand year reign of terror. Mortal minds may try to classify actions and people into 'ruining' and 'preserving.' But I came to realize this should not have influence on the actions of men. 

A person can be an assassin, but desire stability and protection. A person can be a killer, while at the same time a revolutionary who possesses a deep sense of community and love. If a man slaughters life with cold apathy, is he truly a preserver? If a man knows love and works to better the world, is it right to claim he’s only a destroyer? 

This is a dichotomy I came to realize during my time as a Keeper, rebel, a leader of the Republic, and eventual leader of the Terris people. In witnessing the actions of Vin, Kelsier, and Rashek. These are questions I must ponder throughout the Ages. I encourage you all - my children - to do the same. Life is about questions, choices, secrets. There are more gods in the cosmere, each a shard of a greater whole. In this moment, perhaps I am encouraging the exploration of passions. Perhaps I am cultivating a belief, or inspiring people to seek autonomy from the binary nature of gods.

[theandersenjournals]

do you have any headcannons for ur bug? :) ur silly guy .. guy we gotta put under a aaaa microscope - @knashingmawz

In preparation for this ask, I turned on Sean’s playlist and then immediately forgot about this ask because I HAD to go write a 2k word analysis on my own rp responses. And then I just kept forgetting. So let’s try to do this AGAIN, YAY, turning on the bleed out mountain goats album.

So, as for my Sean, I refer to him as my bug because I have a fascination with him. Specifically in the like . 🔍 studying manner. But also, actually, I do have this headcanon that he has a fascination with bugs. Actually, I like to imagine he likes all sorts of insects and arachnids and then also separate creatures like mollusks. Little things. 

Okay, onto more concise headcanons! Things I was told but cannot prove also go under this section, like Sean and Lee being childhood friends, Sean growing up in the cult as opposed to forming it, ect. But I use these to base my thoughts because these make for a fun and fascinating story to me! I like the idea that he grew up like this, and i’ve made a note about this when speaking to some friends, but;

Generally my big ones are on the family and building their worldbuilding and what exactly they stand for in the narrative. My favorite concept is that the leader never survives very long ; the leader is always whoever is most necessary to the goal at the time. Hence, why Sean became leader; he was loyal and as close to a Carrier as anyone could be, he had the means to be useful. Before him, it's always pastors, politicians, police, doctors, ect, people who are important, and the cult teaches the children to grow into these professions to garner as much power as possible. They want their hands everywhere, in everything, hearing and speaking to as many as they can. The Family teaches closeness amongst members, speaks that they are the only ones who will find salvation in the new world, that the Leaders will be the gods that reign alongside The Speaker when the world ends and is started anew (by merging purgatory with the overworld! that one's canon) but! the leader of each sector of the cult (i like to pretend it's much bigger than it likely is) never makes it too long! because someone else is always more useful, more important, like Sean! Therefore, they tend to fall into madness from The Speaker's whispers and pass on at its hands, or kill themselves to escape once it starts getting bad. which, funny enough, was HIS fate too! He tells Lee that he gave up his family and his humanity for the Speaker, of course he’s in it’s world in the afterlife, and it’s “his will.” 

Significantly more fucked up headcanon: leaders and important figures to The Family get branded or otherwise 'marked' to display their loyalty and exactly who or what they belong to. Sean got branded when he became leader and at the same time he got REALLY hooked on The Speaker and hes very proud of that fucking mark. "this is my divine right" ass. He’s in deep!! I also like to imagine he leaves this same scar on Lee, sort of binding them together, The Leader and The Carrier, two beings that can never escape their binding fates, they will both be tools for the new world and be together in the afterlife– Sean says this in the series too; they’re going to the same place!

Sean: You think I'd go somewhere else when I died? After sacrificing my humanity- to him? Lee: You're not real! You're not real! Sean: You know- the same thing will happen to you, when you go. Lee: Shut up! Shut up!

This also links into a secondary thought I have about him in which he’s really fucking weird about pain ; The Speaker, canonically, makes whoever it speaks to- sick. Okay, not sick. It actively hurts. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt, according to Lee. And then, if you listen long enough, it has a drug quality to it; Sean is quite literally addicted to his own god! And that shit HURTS, but it feels good, it feels powerful, it feels– right! It becomes necessary, something to attach to, you need it like you need breathing, and you start to associate this pain and agony with good things, pleasure, greatness, going through this means you get this BLESSING of hearing The Speaker’s voice! So now Sean tackles everything with this concept; Pain brings good things, it brings clarity, pain is associated with everything he needs. This doubles; I like to think The Speaker literally warps the way you think. I think , in the sense of a leader , it needs someone cruel and ruthless. We know it's incredibly intelligent, we know it's a mastermind of sorts- it's not hard to make the jump and assume that on top of it all; the irritation and swings of withdrawal, the desperation, all of it- it's fully capable of destroying who you are and turning you into something monsterous in it's image. That's what a good leader should be, ^_^ Resembling their god!

Fuckingngngng freak. I have more thoughts about him. Nicer thoughts. He looks at birds and thinks of Lee. Him and Lee were childhood friends— Sean picks lizards off of bricks and shows them off. They tussle in the grass together. They get fuckin drunk off their asses in the back of Sean’s busted ass car and talk about the future– Sean always said he never knew what he wanted to do. He meant it, because his fate was already decided by someone else. Him and Mo knew each other because of this. He never really had stuffed animals as a kid and he thinks theyre really dorky but he keeps getting them as gifts and from games and shit and he really likes them . he wears almost exclusively graphic tees and band tees and its weird as FUCK to see him wearing anything else. adnd ten million more things but god this is a long post can you send me another ask /silly

overall, one thing: he is THIS FUCKIN SONG! canaries in the coal mine by john congleton and the nighty nite. thats sean wf.

[malstermonkey]

Why it’s not money but purpose...

I have a most excellent friend who, a few days ago, wrote a most excellent blog -- it was full of humour and wisdom and critical self-appraisal and it made me realise the enduring, unbreakable nature of a genuine “connection”.

And whilst my instinct is to write about that, I’m not sure I trust myself (quite yet) to not go radically over-the-top and blow everything up (but, lass, understand my instinct to throw caution to the winds, to put all my chips on red, to bet the house (actually I can’t I don’t have one!) and all that is huge..........) instead I will write about why I believe the only genuine and enduring motivation at work is PURPOSE.

So, let’s get a fundamental out of the way 1st -- for those on the breadline, for those living hand-to-mouth & from day-to-day, there’s no self-actualising aspect to work: it’s a means-to-an-end, a mere matter of survival...........sadly at this end of the spectrum the work is mundane, smelly, menial and, often, dangerous (if not the work then the working conditions?). This is, no doubt, material for another blog, but the precedent conditions for this one is that with a semblance of (financial) security work could, and should, be more than just the acquisition of the means (money) and actually be meaningful.

“Meaningful” here comes in a number of forms, it could have meaning personally or the work contributes to the greater well being of one’s surroundings, one’s community, society -- in both cases work now “adds value” where the latter, contribution to society, is leveraged and therefore doubly satisfying.

And what is defines meaningful work? Contribution. In a commercial sense the definition is relatively easily described: you need only ask yourself the following question: why does the business exist? The answer should run along the lines of “this business exists because it solves the following problem, the solving of which customers are prepared to pay for........”.

Hence, inherent in any commercial venture is the idea of contribution, of adding value -- and all leadership decisions should therefore start with asking the question: “how does this process/action contribute to fulfilling our purpose?”. 

Think like this and an organisation is built to furthering its contribution to our wellbeing -- and employees become part of this, rather than being the “tools” towards achieving it. 

I would contend that all successful companies are focused primarily on the product (red solution) they offer and secondarily (but evangelically) on trying to bring their solution to as wide an audience as possible. Think of a business in this way and the money inevitably follows -- money is the (incredibly) pleasant by-product of providing a “solution” (product).

Motivating employees, when a business is seen through this lens, is almost not necessary as, for human beings, contributing and adding value are wonderful ends in-and-of itself........

My take is that leadership becomes (almost?) redundant when the purpose of the organisation is well understood, well articulated (amongst the workforce) so that each employee understands the part they play and will, over time, lead to a more dynamic, open and profitable organisation.

My excellent friend quoted Marty Cagen where, he contends, “having a team of missionaries and not mercenaries is good for business, good for team morale and is a win for the individual” -- SPOT ON.

Hence, it is absolutely NOT a legitimate strategy to have as an overarching aim to grow revenue (make more money) as that aim speaks to nobody (except the 2-3 greedy Execs at the very top and shareholders), but instead focus n how to make the product better and even more relevant.

[digitalinfobytes]

2023 Frontend Development Trends You Need to Know

Frontend development trends are always changing and evolving, but some of the most popular ones stick around for a long time. Here’s a list of front-end development trends that are going to be seen a lot more in 2023.

The Top Frontend Trends to Watch in 2023 AreProgressive Web Applications

Progressive web applications are a new way of thinking about web development. They combine the best of web and native apps, giving users a fast, reliable, engaging experience that works across devices.

Progressive web applications (PWA) let you do more with your website than ever before. They’re installable, so users can find them in the App Store or Google Play Store — even if they don’t know how to find your site.

And they work offline too! PWAs also support push notifications and background updates which make it easy for users to stay up-to-date on the latest news from your organization or agency.

Chatbots and AI

Chatbots are a great way to interact with users, automate tasks, and allow people to use your product without ever having to go through a website or app. By 2023, you should be able to talk to a chatbot and get almost everything done without ever needing the help of another human being.

AI is also a powerful tool that can be used for many things, such as recognizing images, translating text from one language into another, making predictions about future events (e.g., whether someone will survive the next year), etc. The possibilities are endless!

One thing worth mentioning is that AI is not just something that’s going on in Silicon Valley anymore; it’s become something everyone uses every day whether they realize it or not.

You might currently have an AI-based system at work (or school) where you can log in with your face instead of typing in your password every time you log into your account…and chances are good there’s some sort of chatbot involved whenever someone orders something online too!

Server-Side Rendering

Server-side rendering (SSR) is an important tool for SEO, especially when it comes to ranking highly in search results. Server-side rendering has become a must-have feature for any site or app that wants to rank well on Google.

But it’s not just about SEO and rankings server-side rendering also brings significant performance benefits in frontend development, like decreased network latency and better data security thanks to the way it handles cookies.

And it’s not only Google who benefits from SSR: users with disabilities will appreciate how much easier they can access your content with this technology installed on your website or application.

Web Components

Web components are a set of standards for web development that allow you to create custom elements. Rather than creating the same HTML and CSS over and over again, you can use reusable code that other developers have created.

The code will be updated easily, if necessary, by all frontend developers using your web component.

Web components also allow you to create modular code, which means they’re easy to break down into smaller parts and reuse throughout your project. This makes it easier for other developers on your team or even clients who don’t know much about coding!

CSS Data Structures

CSS data structures are a way to organize your CSS code. The idea is that using a CSS data structure can make your CSS more readable and therefore easier to maintain. You’ll also be able to write less CSS in the long run because you’ll be able to reuse sections of it elsewhere on the same page or throughout your site.

Advancements in Cloud Computing Continue

Cloud computing continues its upward trajectory in 2023. It’s now more affordable, reliable, and secure than ever before. Cloud platforms are also flexible enough to meet the needs of a wide range of businesses, from small startups to large enterprises.

And when you’re operating at scale say, with millions of customers using your application or website you need to ensure that your site can handle the traffic without crashing or slowing down due to heavy demand.

In addition to these core features, cloud platforms offer benefits in frontend development such as personalized content delivery options (e.g., streaming), APIs for building applications on top of them, and integration with other services like chatbots and voice assistants (e.g., Amazon Alexa).

Single-Page Websites:

Single-page websites are an increasingly popular choice for websites that don’t require a lot of content, such as portfolios and blogs. Single-page websites are fast because they load only one page instead of several.

They’re also easier to maintain because there’s less code to update when you change something on your site, and they can be great for SEO since they usually have fewer pages than traditional multipage sites.

Single-page websites aren’t just good for users, but also for mobile devices: They prevent unnecessary scrolling and make sure that content is always in view by eliminating any need to scroll up or down between multiple pages.

This makes them more accessible as well as more user-friendly—making it easier for people with disabilities who may not be able to use other types of layouts.

Flexible Design Systems:

Design systems are collections of reusable components that come together to form a cohesive user experience. They allow teams to build websites and applications faster, while also reducing technical debt.

Frontend development allows you to design scalable and modular design systems which makes scaling a breeze. They’re also scalable; as the size of the product grows, your design system will grow with it.

Design systems are accessible; they’re designed with accessibility guidelines in mind so that everyone can use them regardless of their needs. Finally, well-designed design systems are maintainable by anyone on your team and that includes you!

No SQL Databases:

NoSQL databases are more scalable, faster, and can handle large amounts of data. They are also suitable for mobile and web applications, real-time applications, and distributed applications.

Offline First and Serverless Architectures:

As the popularity of mobile devices increases, so does the need for devices to be able to function without an internet connection. With complete reliance on the internet for apps, users are often left frustrated when they have no data or a weak signal.

Offering an offline experience allows you to keep your users engaged and ensure that they will continue using your app even if there is no internet access.

The first offline architectures have been around since 2008 when Apple first introduced it in their iOS platform with iCloud syncing of content between devices and web applications using HTML5 storage APIs.

This enabled web applications to work like native apps by providing a consistent experience across multiple platforms regardless of network status or device capabilities such as GPS location tracking or camera usage.

With serverless architecture, developers can build scalable applications which scale automatically based on demand while reducing costs associated with running servers through automation tools such as AWS Lambda Functions or Google Cloud Functions where developers do not need to manage infrastructure themselves – instead focusing on building business logic into functions rather than managing servers that run these functions together with other related tasks like routing requests from clients through load balancers, etc.

Conclusion

The frontend development trends we’ve discussed above are just a few of how technology is changing. There are countless other examples of how technological advances have already changed our lives and will continue to do so in the years ahead.

As someone who deals with modern frontend development, it’s important that you keep up with these changes as they happen not just because it’s a good business practice, but also because it can help improve your product or service offerings by making them more user-friendly.

We hope this article has given you some insight into the world of front-end development. This is one of the most exciting and accessible fields in tech right now, with so many opportunities to innovate and create new ideas that can change how we think about the web.

If you’re interested in learning more about frontend development or have any questions about what we talked about here today then be sure to reach out!

This article is initially published on Digital Info Bytes!

[sapphic-sasuke]

Hello. I’ve read your fanfiction on AO3 and I’m a fan of your writing. (I'm excited to see how you handle Danzō in your current fanfic) I saw your tags in a post saying that had Danzō been written better, he would’ve been one of your favorite characters.

Now, I’m certainly not a Danzō sympathizer, but I’ve read fanfiction that did humanize him beyond the typical one-dimensional villain in canon and it made me like his character a little.

I don’t see many people sharing this viewpoint, which made me curious, what do you see in him? I’d love to read your take and how you would’ve handled his character.

Hihihi and ahhh thank you im so happy you like my fanfic!!!

So I guess what I like about danzo is how he’s a corrupt, konoha antagonist who runs an underground ANBU faction that isn’t open knowledge to konoha shinobi. something that really interests me is how it’s always danzo who confronts the main konoha casts with the extent of the village’s war crimes. to me, danzo acts as a symbol of konoha’s corruption. but he also always acts in konoha’s best interests. he is konoha personified to me and when sasuke killed him, he killed off his final connection to konoha.

danzo was enabled by the shinobi around him. notwithstanding his brainwashed army, he had power, authority to be in a position to get away with that act for so long. and i think danzo could have been used as a perfect tool to make the main cast doubt their village, doubt the authority they’re conditioned to serve.

to me it’s not really about how humanised danzo is because i actually think he’s plenty humanised in canon. he’s obsessed with konoha, jealous of hiruzen and is hardened into believing that anything is necessary for the village’s survival. but he is also weak, senile and at his moment of death tries so desperately to escape and run away. he’s cowardly; he hides behind a brainwashed army. he requires absolute obedience from his ROOT because he desires control and domination for the stability to feel like “i did something right; i am placing konoha first so my life has purpose. so the sacrifices i make are fine” and in a village where child soldiers are the norm, where indoctrination is mandatory to serve as a shinobi, teetering into a state of extremism is relative. it’s a military dictatorship and when all you know is war and domination and politics, that is the result.

while danzo is a perpetrator of the shinobi system, he is also unknowingly a victim of its violence. he witnessed it come into fruition into the powerhouse that konoha became. in fact, it’s his actions that maintained that, and i think it turned into an obsession, to the point where anybody that threatened it, anybody that came in the way of decades of hard work of keeping their military thriving had to be exterminated indiscriminately.

danzo isn’t a good person. none of the characters are. but to me he’s a really nice example of just how far the shinobi system can annex one’s morality, compassion and sense of reality. this is the same man who implanted himself with sharingans on his arm, who injected himself with hashirama cells. he is a walking abomination. everything about him is unnatural—but then contrastingly, he is the most effective shinobi. he lives through deception and underestimation.

his main ideology doesn’t come into conflict with any konoha shinobi; it’s only ever his methods that are criticised. he is willing to sacrifice the people of the village, even innocents like children (not just the “traitors” like the uchihas) and that is where the conflict comes from because danzo’s sacrifices of children are hidden, kidnappings. hiruzen’s sacrifices of children are official and with the consent of the parents. as such, acting within the laws of the state, one is seen as better than the other when realistically, although ROOT is definitely far more brutal, they are one and the same. they operate under the same system with the same results: death.

this farce of autonomy when being shinobi is something danzo doesn’t bother himself with. shinobis are tools first and foremost so danzo takes that literally, sees hiruzen’s preaching of friendship for the false propaganda that it is and contends himself with raising an army to one day become the hokage himself. and he even achieves it—but only briefly. and i think there’s something so satisfying in that. to work so hard, to become a monster even in comparison to shinobi and to still fail... it’s so nice.

the symbolism of him being so unnatural while also perfectly embodying konoha’s qualities is something i really like about his character. if he was less of a scapegoat and was used to directly impact character’s perceptions of konoha with lasting results i would have favoured him definitely. he’s only really shown as black and white evil because of the narrative’s portrayal... when in actuality compared to the other hokages, his crimes are just as bad.

[fantasy-anatomy-analyst]

Drow evolution

previous drow post on basic anatomy. masterpost over here.

And the next post on eusocial hierarchy over here.

Also my Patreon page if you want to see things like extra sketches, get an early look at some of the drow worldbuilding text, etc.

Okay. This is the speculative fantasy evolution post for my drow and their cousin species! Currently referring to them as the sylvan family, which incudes drow, elves, and my vampires (and i am still thinking of maybe renaming the vampires and probably renaming the drow. can't have the dnd company get bothered at me for using drow in my eventual novel lol)

(image description: a series of small digital paintings on one page, with descriptive text. It shows various creatures that were part of the evolution of the drow, elves, and vampires. I will detail them out below. end description.)

So far my most complex evolution chart lol. full descriptions under the cut:

Alfilopithecus: early tree-dwelling primate ancestor, resembles some modern monkeys. The forest environment it occupied would have been very dark, so it may have relied more on hearing than sight. This is speculated to be what started the genetic trend of large ears further down the evolutionary line.

Sylvapithecus: remains have been found near evidence of early tool use. May have convergently evolved alongside early human ancestors like Australopithecus. Still retained the long and somewhat prehensile tail that makes living in trees a little easier. Ear size is only a speculation, but it is theorized that the ears of the sylvan family tree became larger than actually necessary for better hearing because it became a matter of sexual selection as well.

Sylvus Arachne: diverged from the line while the prehensile tail was still a common trait, and retained the tail into modern times. They are descended from a population that migrated underground, and somehow developed a magical ability to spin natural light into threads. The genetics behind magical abilities are still a mystery.

Sylvus Arborea: essentially just means "tree elf". They developed complex tool use and invented archery separately from humans and orcs, utilizing the bow and arrow as effective ambush hunting tools from tall trees. There is still evidence of tails in Sylvus Arborea, but they were shorter and may have been less prehensile.

Sylvus Sylvan: widely considered to be the "true elves", though there is much debate on whether or not this is even a useful term. Modern elves still retain much of Sylvus Sylvan's genetics and appearance. They were the first to channel natural ambient magic to cast elemental magic. This skill varies between individuals, regarding elemental type, power levels, and channeling method. By this time, tails have been reduced to a vestigial nub.

Sylvus Draculan: the modern vampire. They are the strangest branch on the sylvan family tree. The current theory is that they evolved from a highly isolated population, during or before the divergence of Sylvus Sylvan, when tails were disappearing from the line. They may have developed their strange blood-based diet in a low-nutrition environment. They are ambush hunters who use a burst of sprinting speed to capture their prey, developing digitigrade feet to give them an extra spring in their step. Some vampires may also have used a brood parasite technique of survival, depositing their children in drow colonies for safety and easier feeding while the parents went hunting.

Sylvus Hominid: the most recent divergence from the main line, this is the modern elf. Whether they are a clearly defined new subspecies or not is still up for debate. They come from older elf populations that mingled with humanity and produced mixed species children that were fertile enough to keep reproducing. Humans have since become extinct, but their genetic memory flows in the blood of most modern elves and their more distant dwarven cousins.

and there you have it! Yeah, I toe the line on believable science with the mixed species reproduction, but it does add to the Themes of my story in this particular case. And in the more egregious cases, like letting completely unrelated groups (elves and orcs or gnomes) have kids? well. that's for the Aesthetic. I am allowed to write a little nonsense biology. as a treat.

[scapegrace74-blog]

New Ways of Turning into Stone, Chapter 4

A/N  Some strong reactions to the last chapter, which I admit caught me by surprise.   Writing is a funny craft, where you spend a lot of time and effort trying to show your reader exactly the picture you have in your mind, but then also have to surrender to each reader’s interpretation of what you wrote.  That said, some interpretations miss the mark entirely, and for that reason this chapter is entitled “False Assumptions”.   Trigger warning for childhood disease.

Jamie’s weekly appointments continued through the grey slumber of late April and into the wakening month of May.  Thursday became Claire’s favourite day of the week, for reasons she didn’t care to scrutinize too closely.

With regularity came a certain brand of predictability.  Their appointments took one of two forms, she realized.  Some days Jamie was full of life, witty and exasperating by turns.  He would spin long yarns about some trivial aspect of his life, fascinating tales that turned out to be nothing more than surface reflections, revealing little of the murky depths beneath.  He was also adept at using his considerable verbal charm to draw her into divulging more about herself than she ought.  Those visits left her equally frustrated and challenged.

The rest of the time her patient arrived with a weary slump, the thousand watt bulb of his personality dimmed to an occasional flicker.  Given his offhand comment about whisky and women, she tried not to ponder if he was hungover or suffering from the effects of an all-night hook-up.  From a diagnostic point of view these days of low ebb were beneficial because Jamie was far more likely to offer some nugget of inner revelation, truth sneaking out through the cracks of his weakened defences.

“I was away on business, in Hong Kong, when my Da passed,” he said on one such afternoon, the skin below his eyes drawn tight and the copper in his hair somehow muted.

“Did it happen suddenly?” 

“No’ really.  Jen had been at me fer months tae come hame, sayin’ that Da was workin’ himself tae death.”   Jamie looked out the window, eyes reflecting the overcast skies beyond.  “I ignored her.  Too wrapped up in my own grand self tae pay any heed.  Twas Ian, my brother-in-law, who called tae say Da had dropped in the pasture.  Massive coronary.  I caught the first flight back, but he was gone before I landed.”

She watched Jamie’s face closely as he spoke, but beyond the understandable emotion of reliving the sudden loss of a parent, he remained inscrutable.  The urge to draw him out overcame the deference she paid to Jamie’s well-defined boundaries.

“Do you think you’re to blame for his death?” she asked, half-expecting to be met with silence or a nimble deflection.

Jamie shook his head ruefully.

“Nah.  I dinna think I’m tae blame.  I ken it.  I was the only surviving son, ye see?  In the Highlands, tradition is everything, an’ a Fraser man had worked those lands fer generations.  I was only meant tae complete my studies abroad, an’ then return tae Lallybroch and take o’er from Da.  Instead, I left my sister an’ Ian tae watch o’er the farm while I played the business tycoon.”

“Is Lallybroch still in your family?” she wondered aloud, the name rolling about in her mouth like marbles.  

“Jenny and Ian couldna keep it.  I wasna well enough tae object, an’ they sold tae a developer.  It’s some kind of corporate wellness retreat now,” he finished with a distasteful grimace.

For every disclosure Jamie made, two more questions arose in its wake, like hacking away at a many-headed Hydra.  She wished she could delve further, but the chime from her computer announced the end of the session.

“Will I see you next week, Jamie?” she asked as he reluctantly rose to leave.

“Aye,” said with a sad smile.  “I’ll be here.”

***

The following Tuesday, Claire took the afternoon off work to perform an errand she’d long been avoiding.

Her departure from the Royal Hospital for Children had been so precipitous, she hadn’t filed the necessary paperwork to close her employment file.  The Human Resources department had been pestering her to complete the process for months.  The threat of holding up the transfer of her accreditation finally forced her hand.

To her great relief, the personnel offices were nowhere near the actual wards.  They lay at the end of a long white hallway broken by large windows looking into a series of meeting and activity rooms.  Her plan was to get in, sign the damn forms, and leave without running into any former colleagues or patients.   

The sun slanting into one of these sparsely furnished rooms glanced off the top of a bent head, causing it to glow like a freshly minted penny.  She stopped and stared, trying to reconcile the image of James Fraser seated in a too-small plastic chair, surrounded by a group of hospital-gowned children.

He must have caught sight of her while she stood gaping.  Running to the door before she could find the motor function to turn around, he called out joyfully from behind a blue hospital mask.

“Doctor Beauchamp!  Fancy meeting ye here.”

She mumbled something incoherent, damning herself for the blush she felt enveloping her cheeks.   Behind Jamie, a row of dewy eyes watched on.   She recognized the paper-thin skin and missing hair of chemotherapy patients, and a salty knot rose in her throat.

“Can ye spare a few minutes? Ye’re jes the pair of steady hands we need.”

She longed to decline, to disappear, to come up with a plausible excuse why she couldn’t enter that room.  Her heart thumped angrily in her chest, warning of its fragile state.

Seeing her conflict, Jamie extended a welcoming hand.

“Come, Sassenach.  The lassies would love tae meet ye.”

The space smelled of sterile laundry and sawdust.  With a habit borne of years of practice, Claire disinfected her hands in the small utility sink and donned a spare mask from the nearby dispenser, all while wondering what the hell she was doing.

The children were seated on colourful chairs arranged around a low table, its surface covered in pieces of pre-cut lumber, colourful pots of paint, a glue gun and all manner of cheap decorations such as you would find at a craft store.  The little girls ranged in age from pre-school to young teen, but they all looked at Jamie as though he’d hung the moon as he addressed them.

“Ladies, I’d like ye tae meet Doctor Beauchamp.  She’s a braw doctor but I bet she kens next tae nothing about woodwork.  Ye’ll have tae show her how it’s done.”

A chorus of nervous giggles was the only response.  Claire knew from experience that being a medical professional wasn’t going to endear her to children who spent much of their lives being essentially tortured in the name of science, hoping for some kind of miracle.

“Hello, everyone,” she waved meekly.  “You can call me Miss Claire, if you like.  Now, whatever are you doing with all this wood?”

It turned out that Jamie was supervising the construction of a half-dozen birdhouses.  He had pre-cut the lumber for easy assembly, but was assisting each girl to create a custom masterpiece that would hang outside her hospital window.  With the patience and steady manner of a primary school teacher, Jamie led the group through each step.  

A waifish girl of perhaps six sat directly to Claire’s left, her bare scalp covered by a brightly coloured bandana, offset by a huge pair of peacock-blue eyes that glimmered above her mask.  Eyes that were the mirror of the ones that visited her office every Thursday.  Something heavy settled inside her ribs.

“What’s your name, sweetie?” she asked in a low voice as she pushed an open pot of sky blue paint away from the table’s edge.  Small hands busied themselves pulling apart a package of cotton balls that looked suspiciously like the ones kept in the hospital’s supply cabinet.

“Margaret Murray, Doctor, errr, Miss Claire,” came the timid reply.  

Not Fraser, then.  But that didn’t necessarily mean anything.  She snuck a glance across the table at Jamie, who was just then teasing the youngest girl by tickling her cheeks with a fake feather.  Despite her heavy thoughts, she couldn’t help but smile.  That smile faltered when she noticed that the inside of Jamie’s elbows bore a matching set of fresh bandages.   A series of puzzle pieces tumbled into place.

Perhaps sensing the weight of her scrutiny, Jamie looked their way, whistling in admiration when he saw Maggie’s near-complete birdhouse.

“Tis a fine hame ye’ve built fer yer wee birds, Maggie.  What is all yon white fluff for?”

“Tis clouds, Uncle Jamie,” Maggie replied with the certainty of childhood.  “I dinna want the birdies tae miss the sky, even when they arenna flyin’.”

Claire watched the words hit him as surely as though they had been bullets.  A frozen gasp, a shudder that travelled the length of his body and the crest of tears that he tried valiantly to blink away.

“Aye, ye’re right, a nighean.  Any bird would be fair honoured tae sleep in yer skyhouse,” he managed to reply, voice bouldery with contained emotion.

When each birdhouse was complete and left along the window ledge to dry, Jamie set his small crew of helpers the task of clearing up the mess.   Claire stood next to him as he loaded his tools back into a small carrying case.

“Thanks for inviting me to join you, Jamie.  It was... well, it was unexpectedly wonderful,” she admitted.

“Ye’re most welcome, Doctor Beauchamp.  We couldna have managed wi’out yer steady hand manning the glue gun,” he teased.

“You’re not my patient here, Jamie.  You don’t need to use my title,” she said, a bit vexed by his formality.

“Aye, but it doesna feel right tae call ye by yer given name either.  An’ Miss Claire is jes weird.”

She had to acknowledge that he had a point.

“What was it you called me earlier?  Sassa-something?”

“Sassenach.  My Da woulda skelped my hide if he heard me call a lady by that name,” he said ruefully.

“Why, does it mean something terribly offensive?”  She was almost afraid to know, having enjoyed the delusion that Jamie felt as fondly towards her as she did towards him.

“Nah, tis jes an old-fashioned word for an English person in Scotland.  Seemed tae suit ye, is all.”  He shrugged, seemingly embarrassed by the explanation.

“Well then, Sassenach it is.  When I’m not on the clock, that is.”

Jamie’s eyes danced above his mask the way they did when he smiled, and she imagined hers replied in much the same way.  A long moment passed when nothing was said, neither of them looking away.

“You’re her platelet donor,” she said at last.  “Maggie’s, I mean.”

“Aye.  Every week while she’s in hospital for chemotherapy.  Tis the least I can do.”

It was an explanation that fit all the facts, but one that she never would have guessed.  Jamie had always worn long sleeves to his appointments, but she was certain the weeks when he was haggard and worn out coincided with the times he was donating the litres of blood necessary to distill into the platelet concentrate that would then be injected into Maggie’s body, helping her combat the poisonous effects of her chemotherapy.

“Whisky, women and song?” she prodded, relieved and yet frustrated that his offhand comment had kept her from seeing the truth.  “Why didn’t you just tell me, Jamie?”

“I didna want yer pity, Sassenach.  Fer once in my life, tis no’ about me, ye ken?  I didna want ye lookin’ at me like I was some kind of hero.”

She held back her reaction that his was a textbook definition of heroism, and instead asked the next obvious question.

“Are you a compatible bone marrow donor as well?”

Jamie shook his head slowly.  Although he was a close match, he explained, it wasn’t close enough.   Maggie’s older brother, Wee Jamie, was a perfect match but the law prohibited him from becoming a donor until he was at least sixteen, in seven long years.

“We’re jes tryin’ tae buy her enough time,” he said sadly before stepping out of the room, explaining he’d be back momentarily.

Claire stood in a daze, running through everything she’d assumed about Jamie in light of these newest facts.  A light tug on her hand drew her back into the moment.  Maggie was looking up at her with wide, trusting eyes.

“Are ye the Sassenach lady Uncle Jamie and my Mam argue about?”

“I suppose I might be,” she replied, curious what had been said between the siblings that Maggie had overheard.

“Are ye a heart doctor?” Maggie continued.

“Well, no.  Not exactly.  I’m the kind of doctor who helps people who are sad, and I try to find a way for them to be happy again.”  It sounded so easy when explaining it to a six year old.

“Sometimes Mam and Da talk about Uncle Jamie when they dinna ken I’m listenin’.  I’m verra good at sneakin’,” Maggie confided, and Claire couldn’t help but smile.  What a precious child.    “I’m sure you are,” she replied warmly, a hand coming to rest gently on the tiny cloth-covered head.

“Mam says Uncle Jamie is more stubborn than a mule and that he canna see past his own big heid,” Maggie continued.  Claire couldn’t say that she disagreed with that assessment.

“But Da says Uncle Jamie’s heart has been broken too many times, and thas’ why he’s given up on living.  Can ye fix his heart, Miss Claire, so that it isna broken any more?”

She couldn’t have stopped her tears if she tried.   She knelt on the floor and gathered Maggie’s thin, fragile body in her arms.

“Oh, Maggie.  I’m certainly going to try.”

[flickeringart]

Satanism - a way to embrace Pluto?

My mind has been occupied with Pluto lately, the planet, god and symbol of “the hidden things”, the occult, the underworld, darkness, fate, rage, destruction, transformation, abduction, man’s primitive nature, life and death, power and powerlessness, fear, violation and fertility. There’s so much nuance to all planetary (archetypal) principles and there’s always more to explore. Pluto especially is a mysterious and threatening figure (force) in our lives and in the world at large. I have talked about it in previous posts, here / here and here… I’ve also explored the 8th house, which is the astrological house of Scorpio and Pluto here and here.

Many people understandably avoid anything that has to do with the darker elements of life and human nature until they are forced to deal with them. This is possibly why Pluto has been associated with violence because we are typically dragged into the depths; we don’t go there willingly. Some people, however, have lives that are marked by Pluto to such a degree that they can’t pretend that he doesn’t exist. By deciding to consciously accept him and embrace his influence it is possible to live a richer life. After all, Pluto is not only a god of destruction; he is also a god of riches. It seems to me, that the worship of Satan (as practiced by members of the Church of Satan) is very much in line with Pluto’s gifts and his riches. It’s an attempt to embrace the carnal nature. However, this Plutonian carnality is not as basic as it seems. It has its own intelligence, its own spirituality and its own laws. It seems to me that Pluto has to do with survival – psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical. He stands for survival and life at all levels of the being. As stated on the official website, “To us, Satan is the symbol that best suits the nature of we who are carnal by birth—people who feel no battles raging between our thoughts and feelings, we who do not embrace the concept of a soul imprisoned in a body. He represents pride, liberty, and individualism—qualities often defined as Evil by those who worship external deities, who feel there is a war between their minds and emotions.”

I think, that this philosophy attempts to treasure the whole (hu)man, to recognize his divinity even in his subjective thoughts and feelings. It’s an attempt to honor the darker aspects of human nature – anger, rage, and instinctual responses. It’s essentially to honor the earth, the dark void, and the merciless existence. Putting faith in external deities is robbing the individual of his divinity; it’s separating him from life. Christianity has, at least in part, made people think of Evil as an autonomous force (an external deity), corrupting good souls and creating fear and panic. By avoiding seeing reality as a whole, Christianity perpetuates fear instead of confronting it. As I understand it, Satanists don’t invest belief in any gods (symbolic of human drives and instincts) because they see that these mind-made constructs are part of their own psyche. Satanists place themselves at the center of their own subjective universe without seeking to befriend or worship mythical entities that are separate from them.

It seems to me though, from studying astrology, that there’s no way to escape deity. In the effort to not have any god, to place the self at the center, as is characteristic of the Church of Satan, one is in fact aligning or siding with an archetype. It’s impossible not to. I think this is made quite obvious when using astrology and analyzing natal charts. The archetypal energies are expressing themselves through and as the individuals.

In fact, let’s take a look at the chart of the founder of the Church of Satan, Anton Szandor LaVey. I would expect him to have a strong Pluto because of the emphasis on embracing the carnal side and the spiritual dimension of it. There’s also a big emphasis on being whole (a solar principle) through recognizing the totality of life, facing the strength and power within oneself and using the necessary tools to improve one’s own life. This would include consciously using symbols and images (like the image of Satan) in order to get the desired effect. If symbols are given autonomous power it’s a problem only if it puts the individual in a disempowered position. Personal integrity and liberty is also of utmost importance, which sounds rather Aquarian to me. Let’s have a look.

The chart of Anton Szandor LaVey, as found on astrotheme.com.

The Sun is in Aries, which is not surprising considering his strong faith in individuality, his initiative to start a “new religion”, to provide a contrasting influence, to place himself at the “center”, to go by no other rules than his own, to welcome opposition, the desire to be his own master and a leader of his own life. Aries as a sign is strongly linked to the warrior archetype, of fighting for what one believes in without compromise, to claim authority in spirit, to conquer, to place subjectivity over objectivity (because there’s no real difference from the perspective of Aries). Selfishness is the basis for existence; it is through honoring the self that one can honor other people’s independence. Mars, which is the planetary ruler of Aries, is concerned with personal strength and potency (note; Mars is sometimes referred to as the lower octave of Pluto). It seems like LaVey lived on his own terms, relying on his own natural instincts and gifts to get by in life. This is all very typical of Aries people, to live of off a self-generated optimism and conviction of one’s own ability. “The rules don’t apply to me” is the overall sentiment – the rules originated somewhere and that which originates from my own self is no less valuable or divine, even if it’s raw, ugly or imperfect it is still of “The Self”, the force that animates existence.

To no surprise, Pluto makes a square aspect to his Sun. He would’ve lived with the threat of his own destructive rage, his own inner violence and uncompromising desire. To him, it was probably difficult to consciously accept this side (the square aspect always represents a conflict) but he certainly tried to acknowledge his “darkness” through founding the Church of Satan. A person with a trine aspect between Sun-Pluto would not have been as motivated or pressed to bridge the gap between the self and the primitive and taboo because there wouldn’t have been anything to bridge. The square relationships between two planets usually motivate the individual to try to solve dilemma of conflicting principles within the psyche through external work. Squares usually force work in a very concrete fashion. When a person is serious about something, and is trying to make something happen it’s usually indicative of a square aspect within the personal chart. For example, I have a Neptune square Mercury aspect. I try to read and write and educate myself to some kind of higher state, some transcendent and elevated experience because the connection is not smooth between these planets. I try to articulate things properly in order to bridge the gap between personal mind and the nuance of collective feeling. I try to reflect the essence or feeling tone of energies through my writing.

The interesting thing about LaVey is that he truly took on the appearance of a devil – he was probably aware of the power of looks, the impact that certain clothing or symbols have. He was undoubtedly theatrical. Pluto in the 5th house might have something to do with this, as it’s the house of individual expression. The 5th house is all about personal creation; it’s the realm of children and play. In a sense, he was no different from a child dressing up in costumes and playing “the dark one”, which is probably why people mocked him for it. Even when Pluto is in the 5th house it is never light-hearted, he is all in, ruthlessly determined. Pluto placed in this house takes play seriously. He takes personal expression seriously. His creations are his and he should be at the center of them. The individual should be credited for his abilities, not the other way around, just as the individual shouldn’t be appreciated because his gifts are “of the gods”. They belong as much to the individual as it does to the deities. This is certainly the spirit of Pluto. He answers to no other god than himself and he sees life as it is, in its most vile forms, without flinching. Life is in all expressions, in the primitive as well as in the sophisticated. This is, in many ways, a deeply honest way to live. Another thing that catches my attention is the bi-quintiles Pluto makes to the MC (public image) and the AC (personal image/persona). The bi-quintile aspect is generally considered to say something about a certain talent or style, a mercurial quality or skill. He truly has the style of Pluto, both in his countenance and in his societal achievements. He looks dark and mysterious, preoccupied with the occult side of life. Perhaps he even had a certain talent for “magic”, at least he claimed to.

Satanists believe in indulgence (which doesn’t imply compulsion) over abstinence, primarily because there’s no belief in heaven or an after life. The individual is placed at the center of his own universe as his own master – through and through. Although many people would agree that self-mastery is a good thing, many also tend promote, in the same vein, that “people make mistakes” and that they “should be forgiven”. As I understand it, Satanism as a philosophy would state that mistakes are only mistakes if the self-mastered individual firmly believes it to be so in complete honesty and integrity. Self-deceit is considered to be a sin, unless of course it’s done intentionally - it would then not be a sin. Going along with roles that other people have cast one in is self-deceit – that is, for example, shouldering the role as a “sinner” because other people have imposed that label or role onto you is not indicative of self-respect, it’s a betrayal of your own reality. Notably, LaVey has an Aquarius Ascendant, Lilith in Aquarius in the 1st house and Uranus widely conjunct his Sun (both in the independent sign of Aries). He is definitely not a person to follow the herd – in fact “Herd Conformity” is one of the Cardinal Sins in Satanism. He leads life through the principle of being his own godhead, his own intellectual genius, and his own unique and separate individual, detached from the norms and conventions enough to go against them if he pleases. Aquarius is a sign that considers the map of life in an intellectual sense. This sign is also the sign of the progressive individual, someone who wants to make a difference on a larger scale. He certainly did, through constructing a thought-system that could benefit people. It’s no wonder that the first of the Nine Cardinal Sins (as found on the official website) is Stupidity. Of course it would be to an Aquarius Rising! “Think for yourself; don’t go along with everything you’re told” is the plea.

[bogusavathepit]

Where, Oh Where, Did My Dream of Jasper Hale Go?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why did Jasper Hale have to be a Confederate? What point was Meyer trying to do with such information, especially when she refused to go into how Jasper might have related to the goals of the Southern states entering the Civil War?

In my mind, I have an image of Jasper that contrasts the Jasper Meyer presents. I worry how easy it is to admire the character and forget his narrative purpose as we also rewrite the original.

I could have waved my Jasper crush loud and proud, but was first forced to hide under shifty eyes and a troubled soul, then just acknowledge that Jasper was both a racist creation and a racist with no redemption arc. 

This is my lament. And the beginning of why/how I think Jasper’s existence in the series as a character and as a product/device for creative narration is racist in of itself.

After dropping such a bomb, Meyer proceeds to never address it ever again. Bad for several reasons:

From a narrative, story-building standpoint, you only add certain details to a character if we’re going to use that to add some sort of layer to their personality and actions. Jasper being a soldier is fine. Necessary for him to be swept up in Maria’s newborn wars and be chosen by her specifically for those wars. Jasper being an American, fine, cause the Cullens are in that country for most of their development and he had to easily meet Alice. (Even vampires usually keep close to their national origins). Jasper having run away from home to join the army? Fine. Edward was about to do the same and it was a thing young adult men did when wars were expected and more common. 

However, out of all the historical options (Union soldier, Mexican American war, any other South of U.S./post 18th century war), Meyer chooses one of the most unequivocally morally bankrupt positions to have in the course of human history). And after its revelation, we don’t get to know how even if Jasper believed in the subjugation of Black people under white men. Why did he join the Confederacy? If it was to allude to the brainwashing of poor whites by rich planters to get them to be more sympathetic to them instead of the Black folk-- who they practically had much more in common with--and Jasper was one of those very impressionable persons (young and wanting to prove himself. Was his family even poor? The lack of consideration?!!), then why not just show that instead of leaving such pertinent information? It could have made Jasper irredeemable even then...unless you also show how and if he ever changed his sentiments. 

Why are we given so much guesswork?! A fiction/fantasy writer tickles their readers’ fancies, not leave all the psychological and deep historical analyses to them to the point where they’re writing the story!!!

I shouldn’t be making your character for you. And you shouldn’t be pretending to give me something whole when only giving me half. There’s a difference between mystery, suggestiveness and just pretending that the things that everyone already knows exists (racism) don’t exist or don’t have a great weight in influencing people’s decisions and motivations. In Twilight and with the presence of Jasper, all it does is:

create a nonperson (who is Jasper other than an accessory/narrative tool for Edward and Bella’s relationship to survive the newborn invasion? And for Bella to finally get to “know” all the Cullens to prepare her entry?)

create a space for unconfronted or questioned feelings and ideas (Some readers’ first thought reading Jasper’s story--at least those not thinking enough about race: “I know something’s wrong here, but I can’t think of what and but now Jasper seems to have reformed, so I don’t care because I know he’s supposed to bad!”)

diminish the evil, extent, and dominance of white supremacy: ”ooh, look it’s possible that Jasper is to be a better person so I shouldn’t look at his position in racism too closely. Maybe racism isn’t all that bad, or it’s over [Jasper got over it], or maybe racism has an easy solution.”

Maybe one will argue that Meyer really wants us to dislike Jasper (because it’s so obvious that racism and the slave system was bad, stop being so dramatic) just so he provides a foil against Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett. Which is so boring and flat. And misguided. If we imagined Jasper as literally anything apart from the the Confederacy or any “cause“ that was less directly anti-black, then I wouldn’t be so hostile towards the guy. 

Literally, I think that Jasper would have been, if not a “perfect”, morally good person, then a cool mofo. Guy can take three vampires at once apparently, and he has got the scars to prove it! He also has a tormented but determined constancy that I can’t personally help myself swooning from. You could get all of that with any other war, because war is grisly and reveals how far people will go to have power over others, feel powerful, and/or defend themselves. The concessions they make, the sins they commit, and the psychological toll that comes with it all.

So the Confederacy? Why? Why!? 

For the cheap shock value and black-and-white thinking that will get us to think more about Edward x Bella, that’s why. And to avoid any more work/responsibility that comes with showing the repercussions of racism.

And it’s disgusting, because what’s left is racism unaddressed. And of looking deeper into Jasper’s personality and of how Jasper might still be racist and most likely still is.

And it robbed me of a possible, good time.

Fuck you Meyer.

[macyomoiji]

AOT FANFIC FANS, I’m callin on you for your input!

This is the first chapter to a story I’m writing and would appreciate your input and recommendations for making the first chapter better!

Either directly comment or msg, either way, I wanna know what doesn’t make sense/could be removed for a future chapter/needs rewording or better description/ what’s lacking etc.! So PLEASE HELP ME OUT!

Wattpad fanfic; Be My Light, Brat.

Chapter/Part 1: Lighten up

I was brought to the surface by my father Leon Smith. My mom never said why she didn't stay with him and chose to stay underground. She seldom ever mentioned the topic of our family. She only mentioned it a handful of time, the last was upon dying.

She said I looked like my dad calling us by the nicknames that I treat as a second name. Additionally, she informed me that the 'Big Sun' will find her 'Little Sun" soon. I wanted to know more so much more... about her, dad, my grandparents... to read the letters she kept at her bedside. I only read a couple pages as much as I could comprehend at such a young age. The last clear message was about my not being a tool of my lineage and her love for me.

Additionally, it wasn't until the year before she died that she told him about me in letters. Despite not never having met him, he was caring, a great teacher and patient.

Erwin is a lot like him. It's funny because Erwin's said the same about me reminding him of his dad, my uncle.

———

Alright I hate this.

The clip clop of horse hooves paired with pouring rain.

The combination of successful attacks and unsuccessful counters out in the tree training section. All together result in a symphony of grunts and groans of pain.

But my favorite sound is the zipping and zooming of ODM gear.

I don't know what it was that I expected of Win when I ever so energetically told him about the project I had been planning 

 Next to Commander Erwin, I strive to maintain balance and keep humanities future as bright as possible. However, just like him I can't not think in a utilitarian manner. 

The fact of the matter is, he's no more at fault for the casualties we've faced and continue to face, than myself. In order for us to live, we must be willing to fight; that also means you have to come to terms with the inevitable risk of death. The simple act of self defense is followed by the inevitable possibility of loosing that fight. On the other hand, we can sometimes find ourselves to be victims of circumstance.

Riddle me this; if a child were in danger, would you not hope for someone to step in or the child to be given something to offer at least a small chance at survival?

Would you not also be inclined to think; "If only there had been someone to step in and prevent this from happening." 

Either way you look at it, someone's life is at risk. Life itself is heaven and hell, light and dark, night and day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When necessary, I opt to temporarily transfer to other branches to observe and make note of any abnormal or suspicious behavior. My primary objective is to help others process through difficult matters or events with lasting impact. Because it's a paperwork heavy project. 

Commander Pyxis has no problem with it and is quite transparent with me. Commander Dok of the Military Police Brigade isn't nearly as cooperative and is honestly one of my least favorite people to interact with. Not to mention the attitude of superiority or entitlement that older members of that branch have. The younger members are either just as arrogant or driven by unethical means for selfish gain. Corrupted.

Although this project means I have to work with Keith Shadis regularly, It's going surprisingly well so far. Shadis is intense at times but he takes his role seriously. He's aware of how corrupt other branches can be and doesn't seem to think negatively of my previous assignment in other branches. So it goes without saying, i'm glad that he's willing to go along with pretending i'm another rookie of the 104th.

Erwin was on board before I got to the conclusion. I've done this for the past 3 years now. I have to split off from the cadets to attend to my other responsibilities as 2nd in command and at first I was unsure of being able to do so without being found out or having to divulge my real identity to the cadets. Or the possibility of overworking myself. So Erwin and I have been playing it by ear. I'm surprised I haven't been found out honestly. A lot of it is thanks to the other commanders and older members like Hange, Miche and Levi were on board with helping as much as they can.

Although it make me feel old and awkward at times... I'm getting what I wanted and am surprised at how pleasant the new recruits are. The reactions of the ones who join us ought to be amusing once I re introduce myself as 2nd Commanding Officer of the Survey Corps.

~~~~~~~~~

After the 46th expedition is when I mentioned to Erwin my interest in possibly monitoring emotional and behavioral health of new cadets and a few others. It was during lunch with a few other members of the Survey Corps. It's also probably the event that had an unexpected impact on me. It's what pushed me to be more expressive and vocal.

The conversation with Erwin started out with just him and I talking over my notes and other paperwork. There were a few other people in the room having lunch and enjoying the brief peace.

Erwin only had to ask 2 questions to incite the banter that was our discussion.

At one point, I criticized Wins previous approach at giving pep talks before battle. This caused him to surprisingly and unexpectedly bite back a little. But only for the sake of honest input, good conversation and constructive banter. I advised him not to bluntly address inevitable death but to magnify the importance of sacrifice.

"You have to emphasize the positive and...oh what was it?.. I wrote down a really good point after listening to one of your speeches and hearing various comments from soldiers around me at the time..." 

I flipped through a few pages of notes and pushed my hair behind my ear I absentmindedly made a face biting the inside of my cheek thoughtfully. I only need a few seconds to find a point. Or in this case, conclude that it's in another set of notes.

Mind you, growing up I made a point to tinker with things like weapons to find ways to make them unnoticeable. My tinkering has been rather effective and I became fairly good at doing so. So I've always gotten permission to modify my clothes to hide various tools or be more convenient. It's due to multiple instances of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, surrounded or robbed when I lived underground.

Fight or die. Outsmart or face undesired outcomes. I'm nowhere near as anxious as I used to be. That doesn't mean I don't still get the occasional panic attack or feel uncomfortable in large groups.

"Sorry Win, looks like it's in another set of files-"; looking up I realize the group that have stopped  around our table too listen. I had totally tuned out the sounds of chatter and their footsteps as they answered. 

Not until that mission with Hange, did I decide to overcome my fear of  social settings. Can you blame me? Growing up having to do whatever I could to survive to the extent that I presented myself as male rather than female until I was taught to fight for the life my mother gave me, to live it how I want. The life I had to defend to the extent of getting blood on my 7 year old hands...

I immediately looked back down to the papers I held. The increase in my heartrate kicking my senses into high gear to make note of how many are around me. I'm neglecting an important variable though. I'm currently fixated on the feeling of being surrounded and unprepared. 

Post traumatic stress...

Sheer panic.

In my split second of panic someone grabbed one of my wrist that had unconsciously gripped my sides. One hand on top of a strap that held a dagger concealed in one of the strap of my uniform. It was a gift from my dad. It's proven to be incredibly reliable. It's gotten me out of a lot of tough situations. 

'I'm just at base, why am I going for my dagger. There's no danger. I was just startled' I think to myself. Light embarrassment and some disappointment building due to my unnecessary and aggressive response. It doesn't help that I had my monthly nightmare the night before. The one wherein I'm forced to relive the events that lead to my white hair.

"Lighten up" was quietly said to me as someone grabbed my wrist while a cup of tea was put in front of me as Erwin kept my attention. I silently let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding.

"Huh to think it took years to get you to have a discussion with...anyone. And a damn good one at that Commander Sweet";  Erwin comments with a calm tone and making light of my sudden change in behavior. He's grown used to it. Thankfully it only happens once in a while. It's never hindered my ability to do my job or continue to present myself as the capable 2nd leader I am.

Looking back up to him I see his position has changed. With his chin sitting on the back of his hand, his expression is reassuring and pushing for self empowerment. One I see more and more often as time passes. An expression received to help me lower my heart rate and be calm. 

I let out a breath I had been holding.

"Sorry Commander, I'm sometimes unsure of my ideas and strategy planning skills." I sport a slightly embarrassed grin to play off any sign of greater disturbance. Absentmindedly touching my wrist and realizing it's no longer being held.

Then noticing the tea placed before me.

"No need to apologize" his tone is gentle despite how many under our command are around. Usually he reverts back to an authoritative tone. Now that I think of it, he doesn't change his behavior around me. But considering both our positions, it isn't questioned.

"I have a few things to attend to but we will have to talk further on a few things you mentioned Y/N. Now if you'll excuse me everyone, I have a few matters to attend to."

I nod with a faint smile as he leaves. Placing my attention back to the cup in front of me; The short verbal check, my wrist being stopped.

'My past and the memories that accompany it, will not be what shackles me in the present and future.

A thin layer of shame drapes over me as I lower my eyes to the scattered note pages on the table. The disappointment and shame I feel is hopefully not visible. Mrs. Sweet the woman who took on raising me after mom died, was well versed in abnormal behavior and emotional studies way back when I was still a sponge of a child. It's why I'm so keen to observe rather than speak. To read people. To feel what they feel or at very least to grasp the emotions they unintentionally divulge based off a laundry list of behaviors and physical cues, information that's ingrained in my mind 

"Tch" a click of the teeth and bored breath usually portraying exasperation.

I must have made a face whilst lost in thought.

"Drink your tea before it gets cold." Levi Ackerman. He's seated next to me also holding a cup of tea. I haven't treated him with half as much kindness behind this simple offering. Despite our brief past interactions, he's started to be less... unapproachable? Since he joined, our interactions mostly resembled that of sibling rivalry. 

What was it that changed his attitude towards me? He's so different now compared to when he first joined or even further back.

"Thank you", I murmur knowing he can hear.

This tea is familiar...

I open my eyes from my blind moment of appreciation whilst drinking tea and look into my cup.

But before I can comment on it my attention is stolen;

"I knew you were introverted but I never took you for bashful! And based on what you were talking about, it's much more obvious why you're second Commander." Hange Zoe head of Titan research plops down in the seat Erwin was just in.

"Thats not to say it wasn't obvious before! You're just not very vocal with others and are more often out the office." Hange explains matter-o-factly and loud enough to be heard by other membrs.

"We certainly wouldn't have as much to work with if you didn't agree to attend the meetings Commander Erwin prefers to skip." Levi unexpectedly ads. 

'I'll have to thank them both later. As much as it bugs me that others respect them more than myself, it's nice for them to verbalize some of what my role entails.' I think to myself with a small appreciative grin.

"Did I hear wrong, or did you just call the Commander 'Win' like some sort of nickname?" Oruo asks from the table behind me in a teasing tone. I cut him off as he tries to finish his sentence.

"You said I was bashful? How so?" I ask Hange before enjoying the tea with a incredibly familiar taste.

"How are you not Bashful?!" Hange responds

"Well let's see..." Holding the tea cup in one hand on the table and tapping my chin with the other. However, I'm surprised by Miche Zacharius who pulls up a chair next to me.

"I never would have guessed someone as scary with a sword as you, can be so cute and energetic. With a pretty voice too" He says jokingly with some a hint of flirtation...He seems harmless but he's closer than I'd like. 

Hearing Hange stifle a laugh, tells me I was unsuccessful in keeping a pokerface and am probably sporting one of annoyance and slight disgust.

"That's very kind of you to say. Scooting back would be wise though." I say calmly with expression before finishing my tea, causing Hange to burst into laughter with my comment.

"Awww I'm just trynna-" he starts with intention of getting closer.

"Test your luck? Because I wouldn't call making someone feel discomfort, friendly Zacharius." I state bluntly. "Especially when you have no idea how many blades or methods of self defense are on me at all times" I give my best attempt at a friendly wink. 

I was able to feel his breath the second he sat down and 10/10 hate the feeling. I've fought beside him multiple time but any chances to get on my good side he continues to squander. 

Thankfully he isn't as bad anymore and shows me the respect he does Erwin finally.

"Whatever" Miche grumbles while getting up from his seat and finding a new group to sit with.

I keep an amused grin to myself seeing the entertainment that short conversation has produced to more than just Hange.

"Also, 'whatever' is not an acceptable reply in the future. I'm opting to cut you a bit of slack due to ignorance."

Oruo seems to be inspecting my face. Upon noticing he diverts his attention, "I wouldn't be surprised if she was related to the Commander."

" Hange; I think paranoid, defensive and trauma sculpted is more accurate." I explain casually tapping my lips before re organizing my note pages.

"I simply don't like when people find it appropriate to get that close to me. Bad breath certainly doesn't help." I say the last part with a thoughtful expression while putting my notes away and grabbing my plate and cup. My comment causing a few snickers and chuckles aside from one grumbling unamused Miche. 

 "I will work towards being more vocal moving forward...To be clear though; despite my openly recognizing my own faults..." With a pause, I make certain of what it is I mean to say as I look over those who chose to listen, which is half the room. I continue as I stand up and grab my papers tapping my stack of with one fingers to line them up  

"I expect to be respected as you all do Commander Erwin." I say  giving a brief nod before heading to the kitchen making sure to pick up Levi's cup as well.

Once I've made sure the cups pass the white cloth test, I take a stab at guessing what cupboard he'd choose. It's the same as mine...I'm not surprised I'm also not fond of his moving my few belongings. It's not the first time or the the end of the world.

He's only a few inches taller than me...ironically there's a step stool tucked by the wall next to me.

Before putting the cups away I grab a fresh page of note paper and write a short 'Thank you' followed by my initials. Once the cups are next to his others on top of the folded thank you note. Then move on with my day.

Time really flies.