#than writing is not only writing and is a necessary tool for human survival? thinking that is bad?

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

I feel sorry for those against pretentiousness like, no, the curtain was not just blue. Yes, the background music does have a meaning. Yes, the author describing the character’s surroundings has a meaning and it is a representation of the characters. Yes, using metaphors and lines from poems as a way to express your own feelings is perfectly alright. Is more, it helps you explain them more clearly. Human emotions are an incredible thing, incomprehensible and inconsistent. Expressing it by simply saying “I’m upset” or “I like you” doesn’t cover the whole range of emotions someone can feel.

[talesofsonicasura]

To Save A DogDay

I couldn't help but write this after seeing the constant dedication of saving the giant toy doggo. So here's something to assist you guys in the effort. I've done some research(even though Google was being an ass) and took a look at this particular post by @dafloof

First off, DogDay is surprisingly big despite being cut in half. If I have to compare his size then think of those giant plushies you win from a theme park or carnival game. Thus the only possible carry for the average person to safely escort him is bridal or hanging off like a koala on the side due to the grab pack. He might be able to shrink himself to a more manageable size if DogDay is similar to CatNap in body structure.

Although that doesn't mean the task is impossible outside of adrenaline. DogDay may be big you got to think about his possible weight. Bigger Bodies are still toys with the Smiling Critters being plushies. How much of him is stuffing and not organs?

The necessary body parts for him to still be alive are the lungs, heart, brain, stomach, and some sort of skeletal structure. Here's a weight chart for the average human. (Although these might be smaller if harvested back as a child than an adult.)

Stomach: 2-4 pounds/lbs

Brain- 2.5 pounds/lbs

Heart- 0.25 pounds/lbs

Lungs- 1.8 pounds/lbs

Human Skeleton- 15-25 pounds/lbs

Average weight here 21.05 - 31.05 lbs. His arm bones might be reinforced similar to the Prototype but they still wouldn't be that heavy. For carrying in your arms, 35- 55 lbs is what the the untrained person can hold. Body weight contributes to how much someone can carry with a 139 lbs untrained woman being able to deadlift around 74 lbs. For men it is 125 lbs for 148 lbs.

Adrenaline can help contribute to this as there have been feats done by people in dangerous situations. One example being a human mother fighting off a polar bear to protect her kids or someone moving a car by themselves to get free. We can do insane things when it comes to survival.

There's also the mental side to this. Our brains actually diminish the perception of how strong we are by 40%. If you carry something you love or cherish like a person, then they can weigh less just from that viewpoint. Sometimes thinking like the Little Engine That Could will make a difference.

Now I am not forgetting the dangerous little critters. There are ways to deal with them and have enough time to bring DogDay along. In his cell, there are two ports they can crawl out of. Blocking these whether by flares or stuffing them with nearby items can do the trick.

Second is bribery. We aren't restricted to the environment like in the game and throughout the facility there are intact vending machines. The toys obviously need to eat but seem unable get into the machines. YOU CAN.

Break the glass and stockpile as much snacks as possible. Finding bags or boxes to carry them wouldn't be hard. Offer these to the little Critters in exchange for DogDay. You can open one bag for further incentive as the chance to get a special treat is something no one will be able to resist.

DogDay might be able to drag himself so breaking the chains with the Grab Pack or a different tool is possible. They are probably rusty thus easier to break. It will obviously hurt for DogDay to drag his body so stealing something like a cushion from CatNap's hideyhole could ease the pain.

Should that not be the case then other options are available. Considering Playcare is a fun house, you might be able to find scooterboards or a platform cart to carry him. If not then a makeshift sled to pull DogDay about is the next best move.

Now there's actually another escape route. A duck ride that you couldn't access in the game due to bugs. I think Mob was planning for a chase down there as it is fully fleshed out with puzzles and an environment.

DogDay can hold onto the boat while you solve the puzzles to get out. For those who hadn't chosen bribery then flares will keep pursuing Little Critters away. Maybe set a fire as you escape since there's plenty of items to make a molotov cocktail if crafty enough.

I suggest finding some walkie talkies as someone needs to look after DogDay. The area under the statue can be a possible safe spot but being able to contact Kissy Missy and Poppy will better the chances of his recovery than just survival. Both know the factory's inner works enough to remain hidden so they might know where to find supplies. A possible ally with valuable info can sway them to help.

There is also the option of coming back to Playcare. DogDay might still be alive as you can hear his muffled cries during the chase. He might be worse for wear due to the little menaces piloting him like a bootleg Megazord. Walkie talkies can help you page Kissy Missy to help with escorting the Bigger Body safely.

It is possible to save DogDay if you are smart or crafty enough to use the environment. The factory offers a lot of potential options to help with that. Do know that you can turn a simple water gun into a flamethrower.

Why follow the rules of the game when there are ways to break them?

[the-virgoperspective]

Part 2

Hello all! I just wanted to share what I have been learning while reading up on composite charts. The composite chart is a very interesting and helpful tool to show one what a relationship looks like with themselves and another person. The composite chart is casted by using the midpoint of each planet from each individual natal chart and creating a completely new chart for the individuals as one. This method can apply for just two people or multiple people. For a better understanding of midpoints in astrology, please click here.

In this post, I will be using the writings of Robert Hand, from his novel “Planets in Composite: Analyzing Human Relations” to explain the meaning and significance of each house in the composite chart. Please always keep in mind that this is only one vital step to reading an entire composite chart and should not be seriously considered without viewing everything as a whole. This is just one piece. Enjoy!

The Composite 7H

The composite seventh house, like the first, is a sign of a relationship in which the two people are truly trying to function as a unit. The seventh is the house of intimate one-to-one encounters. If a chart is on the whole favorable, a strong seventh house is a good indication that any kind of partnership, including marriage, can survive. A strong and well-aspected seventh house is not absolutely necessary for a marriage or business partnership, but it helps.

A clearly seventh-house relationship that is not well-aspected will still be an intimate encounter, but the people may be enemies or at least competitors. This is because the seventh is also the house of one’s open enemies.

Obviously a strong seventh house cannot guarantee a marriage between two people who love each other, but because they will think of themselves as a unit, it is quite likely that they will get married or at least live together.

A strong seventh-house chart is also favorable to any one-to-one relationship in which one person consults the other, such as a patient and doctor, patient and psychotherapist, client and astrologer, client and lawyer, or client and any other type of professional.

The Composite 8H

In traditional astrology, one meaning of the eighth house has been joint finances and property, or the “partner’s” finances and property. In a composite chart it is difficult to distinguish between the meanings of the second and eighth, because one cannot clearly distinguish between the two partners. One difference is that the eighth house can refer to finances and property of people outside the relationship. Otherwise it is difficult to separate the two houses, insofar as they both refer to value and things that are valued. Therefore the reader is urged to review the second house for further information.

Traditionally it is the house of death, but this meaning is not limited to actual physical death. It really means the passing away of an old order and the building up of a new one. Therefore we refer to the eighth house as the house of major transformations.

A strong eighth house may signify some great involvement with property, but it is more likely to mean a relationship of great significance that will bring about major changes in the lives of the two people, especially at the psychological level.

Whenever you encounter a strong eighth-house chart, be sure to keep in mind the double nature of this house. It’s effects can be manifested at either level or both at once.

The Composite 9H

The composite ninth house signifies the overall view of the world taken by the persons involved in a relationship. The phrase “consciousness-expanding” is often used in the delineations, because a ninth-house relationship usually broadens the views of the two people. They are exposed to new ideas and forced to think in terms of a broader spectrum of possibilities than before.

Since the ninth is the house of ideas and consciousness, a strong ninth house enables people to communicate at a very high level. They can really understand each other and share their views with one another. Of course, difficult aspects to this house, especially involving Saturn, can turn this around so that failure of communication becomes a major factor that weakens the relationship. Similarly, some planetary combinations, particularly Mars and Pluto, can create intense competition on the intellectual level and great resistance to each other’s views. The one certainty is that a strong ninth house will make it very important that the two people have a strong intellectual relationship. If they do not, that fact will be the major source of difficulty between them.

The Composite 10H

The tenth house in the composite chart has much the same significance that it has in the conventional natal chart. However, “career” seems to have little relevance for a relationship, unless it is a business or professional relationship. But even in an individual horoscope, the tenth house has a much deeper meaning. It tells about a person’s development as an individual, a unique human being, and how they establish that uniqueness in the world. Because of this, the tenth house refers to status and reputation. It also tells about the directions of a person’s evolution and the principal occurrences of that process. All these matters apply in a composite chart, especially the uniqueness and evolutionary purpose of a relationship, both for the persons involved and for the outside world.

A strong tenth-house relationship will be more than normally concerned with directions. The two people will often ask, “What purpose does this serve in my life?” And often the encounter with each other will help them find out exactly what they are doing in this world.

The issues of the tenth house are more than ideals and hopes, which are ruled by the eleventh. They are plans that will probably be realized, because they are the real intention of the relationship.

The Composite 11H

A strong eleventh house is very appropriate in a composite chart, for it is the house of friendship. It does not limit a relationship to friendship, but it helps two people to be friendly in whatever they are doing together. This is especially important in a sexual relationship; lovers who have a strong eleventh house will also be friends. A strong eleventh house is an excellent house for a marriage composite.

Because it is also the house of hopes and wishes, a good, well-aspected eleventh house gives a relationship a strong sense of shared ideals. Both persons are looking for the same things in life.

Difficult aspects, especially those of Saturn, may bring about conflicts of ideals in a relationship. Or friendship may be denied, limiting a relationship to a purely professional one or a purely sexual one, without friendship.

In any case, a couple with a strong eleventh house must be able to share with each other a great deal of their lives. Otherwise it is not likely to be a very successful relationship.

The Composite 12H

The composite twelfth house has many of the same meaning as it has in an ordinary birth chart.

Basically, the twelfth house represents repressed thoughts. It signifies once-conscious ideas that have been eliminated from the waking mind because the mind has chosen not to deal with them. The twelfth also clearly indicates the environmental factors that has caused the thoughts to be repressed. The traditional meanings concerning hospitals, prisons, and other places of confinement do not really apply here.

In a strongly twelfth-house relationship, the persons involved do many things to and with each other that do not make sense in terms of what is really happening between them. As a result, they wind up dealing with behavior patterns automatically when they should be making a thorough, conscious evaluation of them. Even when a couple makes a great effort to deal with problems consciously and openly, There is often more going on that is raw, intimate, and heavily psychological than most people can deal with in a personal relationship.

If people can handle what comes up in a twelfth-house relationship, fine, and some people even enjoy such a relationship. Marriage is not normally recommended for a couple with very strong twelfth house. But there are those who benefit greatly from intense, day-to-day psychological encounters.

part 1

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[serknighted]

Danse & Hancock's parallels are eating my sanity slowly so by God I will write them here

So. Usually incredibly shy about posting my feelings about characters and my interpretations of them, but I don't think I can sit idly by without addressing 1. how much I love this post about Danse and how his story ties back to the isolation and loneliness of autism, and 2. how much I need more content between Hancock & Danse to exist, because my god sometimes I forget they hate each other in-game. (I strongly suggest you read the post mentioned & linked, they do a fantastic job framing Danse in a way I don't think I could fully articulate)

Danse & Hancock both have stories filled with themes of intense loneliness. Despite their hard work, effort, and prowess in the things they love, it doesn't take good sight to realize that neither of them are very well liked. It's not that they aren't respected, but whether it's Danse's all-too-formal approach to speaking, or Hancock's combination of hard drug use & almost constant overbearing presence (on top of years of slander from bigger cities, but we'll get into that), people see them as a tool of success and a good asset to have around, but not much of a friend, so to speak. Especially in Hancock's case, many people he is overly-affectionate with are often more annoyed by his presence than anything else (even if they do like him).

For Hancock, despite how much he claims to not relate to the isolation of the common ghoul, he's likely over-exaggerating his charisma in an effort to make himself more easily approachable, mostly for his own peace of mind rather than for others. While he sounds quite passive about things many others would react strongly to, I feel it's a combination of him having replaced a layer of how he truly feels with an element of sass on top of the drug use that makes all the trauma more easily bearable (to mixed effect).

One of his lines that has always struck me as conflicting with how he portrays himself is a common generic line he has while traveling with Sole Survivor, praising them for "living out the day" when most others could not. Hancock has seen so many people die to the brutal hands of the Commonwealth; whether it be Vic and his boys gunning down innocent drifters, seeing people succumb to the elements, or, in this case, simply not surviving their travels with him, Hancock seems to have a track record of never properly establishing proper bonds with others before they either die, or decide he's too overbearing to deal with further. He's one of those characters who desperately wants to have a deeper connection with those he loves, but he has consistently lost the chance to do so before he was ever ready, and so he chooses to fill the void with meaningless sexual relationships and one-night stands- anything to make him temporarily forget how much he hates himself and his almost comical lack of social understanding. It's a train of thought that I, as an autistic person, can really understand and relate to-- the desire to know people, but always feeling like no matter how you portrayed yourself, no one seems to want to be around you if you don't provide them with what they desire. It's caused him to deeply undervalue both how much he's done for people (since he believes its expected of him to constantly bend over backwards for the needs of others), and himself, all at the same time.

I don't think Danse fully recognizes how lonely he feels, a lot. He's been so heavily indoctrinated by the Brotherhood of Steel into believing that this is how he should be treated, that his work is for the betterment of humanity, that his sacrifice is a necessary one. The way he speaks almost carelessly about late brothers and sisters in arms makes me think really hard about how rooted this idea of only existing for the "greater good" is. Individuality is questionable & almost taboo, being different is outright abominable. It's the reason why the rhetoric of "Us vs. Them" works-- the BoS as a collective believe that they are doing good for all of humanity, and any outlier to that "perfect" formula is a threat not only to the BoS, but to everything they know. Danse is expected to bend over backwards for people, and no longer questions his loneliness or isolation, as he has all but given up his sense of self for what he believes is right. Another thing that I and many of my autistic friends relate to; a sense of justice so strong that it's overpowering. Like us, Danse is willing to sacrifice anything to do what's right... including himself.

Knowing this, it's easy to understand why he hates Hancock, and that backwards mindset is the reason Hancock hates him. It's an especially vicious cycle that constantly feeds into itself if unchecked, and Hancock knows that he alone cannot convince Danse to break that cycle. Hancock knows he can't beat Danse in a fight; all he has are his words, and logic is useless against an enemy that heeds to no truths. Even after Danse discovers his true nature... you can't expect him to unravel the years of constant reassurance that what he was taught was right in a single night. "Rome wasn't built in a day," and no one gets over their trauma so quickly, either. It's traumatic to have an explanation as to why people hate you. A catch-all reason to people's fear and distaste to you, that is also something you can never, ever change. Danse would sooner hate himself for what he is than accept those he used to murder without a second thought. It's the difficult reality of anyone attempting to unlearn painful conservative narratives; the shame & guilt of hurting others that are more similar to you than you ever wanted to know is sometimes more painful than realizing what you really are.

Hancock, albeit not even close to "recovered" from his mental woes, is much further along the path of acceptance to Danse, but not far enough away that he wouldn't understand where Danse is coming from. For so long, he sat idly by and watched people get hurt, even during his time in Diamond City. The constant conditioning to accept other people's pain as long as it wasn't happening to you still eats at his consciousness; just like Danse, he knows it was wrong to accept it, but the guilt makes it harder to deal with. He, of all people, would understand what it feels like to try so, so hard to fit in, to be normal and accepted, but never quite hit the mark of understanding where he fits in society. That's the reason he is the way he is now; his signature, his "Hancock," is to be as loud and out-of-place as possible-- a constant rebellion against what people expect him to be, a rebellion of oppression and unfair treatment. Danse's sheer existence is an involuntary rebellion of all BoS values, and even if Hancock would be hesitant to become close to Danse for a long while, I think he would be impressed by him, in the end, and more importantly, understand where he's coming from.

Their combined interest in both protecting the people they care about as well as the collective societies those people come from, as well as how nerdy they both are about US history... I think, eventually, they will realize how similar their lives were, how similar they are to each other, and maybe even find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in all of the waves of shame, guilt, and loneliness. That there is an overarching group of people who understand them, and that they do have a place in this world. I think once they recognize that similar traumas can manifest in polar opposite conditions (ones that they used to have a narrow, black-and-white outlook on), they'll also find that there is no real reason to hate each other anymore; the world has told them that they must hate each other, but they no longer have any need to listen.

TL;DR autistic Danse & Hancock ftw

[stuckasmain]

An interesting note about the movie is the way it approaches violence, there’s a bunch of interpretations already and I’m by no means the first. However, what I’ve noticed in my last few rewatches was how the film seems to take violence as a learned thing rather than an inherent human trait. (A much more common interpretation broadly).

In the book it’s much more clearly laid out but the group of man apes we follow are on the brink of dying out. They’re starved and a bit behind, the land they rely on to forage is bleak and picked through. They’re weak from starvation and overall very passive as even herbivores seem to knock them about and do better. There’s no memory, no thought really— they can’t go far even if the thought occurred to them. It is only through the monoliths influence that they begin to pick up tools, to hunt and fight and truly live instead of barely surviving. Now, violence was not introduced by the monolith - we see clearly the world around them is full of it— nor would tools be never used if not for its influence. It merely sped along the process, utilizing the time these man apes did not have. As the natural evolutionary time it would take them to realize this wouldn’t be met this group would starve before hand.

On the discovery we see a similar case of passivity, this time in the modern evolved man. This time the world surrounding them is not nearly as harsh and dangerous— in fact it’s coddling! While the nature of space travel is a incredible risk we see their world is comfortable and abundant. They have all the food, water, air, shelter they would need— in fact this world could operate very well on its own without them at all. Their position, unknown to them- or perhaps known deep down- is arbitrary. Hal is sort of like an all encompassing mother- their provider and world. They have no need for violence, though they know of it and are capable of it. In this case it is not the monolith’s influence but own instinct. This time man has the proper drive for survival and the tools to ensure that it lives.

On the discovery violence is influenced by circumstance- self preservation. Both from Hal (with additional influence of illness) and Frank and Dave. Interesting both the human and computer sides have the same goal: preservation of the mission and preservation of the self.

However evolved it shows there’s still a sense of primitive nature to the species as when a problem arises violence quickly becomes the only solution. Like with the ape men Dave and Frank must quickly abandon passivity when the land around them begins to fail (Hal, their world malfunctions. Just as the land around the apes is dead). They can no longer be a dependent. You can’t leave mother so you must kill her in this case.

To tie this back to- something- I was going somewhere initially. I think it shows a part of both the monolith’s plan but also a general lesson. To evolve past violence you must first know it.

There’s nuance to this, especially when comparing these examples of violence for survival vs. the more irrational type (war, countries fighting) examples we see later on. However I want to keep this brief so I can remain writing something coherent but the eventual idea is that humanity will evolve even past necessary violence into something like Dave becomes (again book has a whole thing on the alien theory. Strictly 2001 speaking)

[theromanticrationalist]

Young Sheldon Series Finale: 7x13 Funeral

So, I was delayed in watching the finale because I actually wanted to watch it with my own Dad, but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

😭

Damn, damn, damn, DAMN DAAAAAAAAMN!! So, that Funeral episode hit and it hit hard. (Did they really HAVE TO HAVE AN OPEN CASKET FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...ughughughughugh) The writing for that episode was the crème de la crème, and I think is the cathartic thematic climax of this series. The final episode was necessary for transitioning between YS and TBBT, which brings both stories together, but as far as the story YS was telling, Funeral was the show's end. It isn't a perfect ending and it wasn't a pretty ending, and in fact is quite devastating in so many ways, but it is truthful to Sheldon's journey, and to the human experience.

When Sheldon got up in front of the church to say a few words, playing out the scenario as he wished he had done it, that was the moment. The whole episode is Sheldon processing his grief - imperfect and messy as he has literally no tools or precedent to fall back on - as he replays his father leaving that fateful day over and over, tweaking it each time to make it "better". With a young man with an eidetic memory and a compulsive need for his reality to be orderly (and the fact that he believes in the Many-Worlds Interpretation), this would make sense. He begins be utilizing Star Trek (Spock's death) to filter it and provide context, but that no longer proves sufficient to the crushing and terrible emotions of what he is experiencing. That was a tool he used for when he was a boy, but now he has been thrust into the world of manhood in absolutely the worst way possible. What is it that will speak truest to what he is going through than the bare naked truth?

"I've been thinking a lot about the last moments I had with my Dad. It was morning and he was leaving for work. He said "See y'all later." And I said nothing. I regret that. I could have said bye. Or asked him for a ride. Or told him that I loved him, but I didn't. I barely noticed that he left. So many times that I didn't notice my father, I hope he knew how much I loved him."

From the audience's perspective we have been watching Sheldon play the scenario many times through his mind, and to have the rug pulled out from under us at this moment of all moments, to see that this too was only just a scenario (played out by Sheldon Prime), is exactly what it is like living in this world, enduring this life - not just for Sheldon but for all of us. In one of my previous posts I mentioned how I loved Sheldon Cooper's story because of what he could teach us. This episode encapsulates it in total. He can teach us that you cannot quantify life, you can't organize it so that everything makes sense and plays out in a well-structured narrative and format, where every feeling is named and every event categorized. Life is myriad, so much richer and so much fuller and so much wilder than anything we can imagine or think up on our own. It is what makes it utterly terrifying and wretched, but it is also part of its beauty and purpose. Sheldon Cooper comes to realize this, but he is only able to have this deeper understanding after first living it. Sheldon Prime's concluding narration at the end of Funeral is Sheldon Cooper's story taken as a whole - past, present, future - the life in movement. Of course young Sheldon would not experience his father's death in its completeness. He is the midst of it. He is trying to survive it. So I love the realness of Sheldon's "imperfect" response to his father's death in the fact that he didn't respond to it. He quite literally did not process it, and instead ran away from it. It is painful, brutal, but truthful. Yet that was not the end of Sheldon Cooper's story, as we know, and I think that leaves us with hope, but it is a kind of hope that must be waited for with profound patience.

Although I myself have not gone through the loss of a parent like Sheldon has, I still have gone through devastating and traumatic life events, so I am very familiar with the inexplicable and violating nature of grief and loss. I am still processing that grief and loss, so these thoughts I am sharing with you all right now are pretty recent revelations, and quite literally me living them out in real time, so it might be a little messy...hehe.

However, I will end this by saying that none of these truths mean that life is arbitrary. It doesn't mean it makes life meaningless. Just because human endeavors cannot place life within a context that he himself can first create and then comprehend, doesn't mean that life doesn't have a context and that that context can't be understood. It just means that that context comes from a different Source, an external and eternal one (and I will say, by necessity, a paternal one, but that is a thought for another day!)

Fitting then that the episode, and Young Sheldon, should end with the recitation of the Lord's prayer:

“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." | Matthew 6:9-10

[marvelousmagicalaura]

The Hero's Epiphany (mistborn short story)

Contains spoilers for Mistborn: Secret history and The Lost Metal.

Made this as a writing exercise. I want to get into writing fanfic. This is part-theory, part-fanfic, part what-I-wish-era 2 was about. This is framed as an excerpt I think could've been in the Words of Founding.

What if Sazed's arc was about coming to terms with being a Terris rebel, having a side of Ruin, and growing into a genuine leader of the Terris Dominance? About a Sazed who helped Kelsier make a republic. A Sazed who realized Preservation is not a saint, Ruin could be a good thing, and doesn't view things in terms of 'ruining' and 'preserving.'

As my mind expands, I realize these twin powers hold more than history and plans. They grant inheritance of my predecessors’ very memories, thoughts, and emotions. Strewn through the precognitive plans of my predecessors Leras and Ati, my mind perceives grand machinations of unfathomable complexity. And yet, in these machinations, I sense deep pain and nuance.

Leras went through the pains of sacrifice and mental decay. He planted clues and tools, hoping humanity could use them to fulfill his desired outcomes. Whether it be attuning Vin to the mists, or commanding Kelsier to Survive in the Pits of Hathsin. Ati lost himself throughout this several thousand year long conflict. Millennia ago he was a kind god who set up complex dominoes and gambits, aiming to destroy stagnant societies or threats to humanity. In stark contrast, by the time us crew members faced Ruin, he was a malicious force that cared not for life. But even in Ruin’s lowest moments, he genuinely believed the destruction of our world was a good thing.

It is easy to fall into the trap of viewing Preservation and Ruin as “good” and “evil.” But all things considered, they were each capable of great good and evil, depending on circumstances. Preservation placed Rashek into a position where he can use the Well’s power, in hopes his actions could eventually manifest the long-desired atium Mistings and Hero of Ages. However, in the coming centuries, Preservation stoked Rashek’s belief that brutal atrocities are necessary to enforce stability. Ruin arranged the occurrence of many skaa rebellions, and influenced the Keepers to preserve their knowledge. And of course, the Eleventh Metal played a key role in slaying the Lord Ruler. But at the same time, Ruin influenced Rashek and the Steel Inquisitors into doing terrible things. 

I am only beginning to understand the moral complexity of Scadrial’s gods. And yet, it would be disingenuous to claim I do not feel anger. They have let humanity suffer under a thousand year reign of terror. Mortal minds may try to classify actions and people into 'ruining' and 'preserving.' But I came to realize this should not have influence on the actions of men. 

A person can be an assassin, but desire stability and protection. A person can be a killer, while at the same time a revolutionary who possesses a deep sense of community and love. If a man slaughters life with cold apathy, is he truly a preserver? If a man knows love and works to better the world, is it right to claim he’s only a destroyer? 

This is a dichotomy I came to realize during my time as a Keeper, rebel, a leader of the Republic, and eventual leader of the Terris people. In witnessing the actions of Vin, Kelsier, and Rashek. These are questions I must ponder throughout the Ages. I encourage you all - my children - to do the same. Life is about questions, choices, secrets. There are more gods in the cosmere, each a shard of a greater whole. In this moment, perhaps I am encouraging the exploration of passions. Perhaps I am cultivating a belief, or inspiring people to seek autonomy from the binary nature of gods.

[theandersenjournals]

do you have any headcannons for ur bug? :) ur silly guy .. guy we gotta put under a aaaa microscope - @knashingmawz

In preparation for this ask, I turned on Sean’s playlist and then immediately forgot about this ask because I HAD to go write a 2k word analysis on my own rp responses. And then I just kept forgetting. So let’s try to do this AGAIN, YAY, turning on the bleed out mountain goats album.

So, as for my Sean, I refer to him as my bug because I have a fascination with him. Specifically in the like . 🔍 studying manner. But also, actually, I do have this headcanon that he has a fascination with bugs. Actually, I like to imagine he likes all sorts of insects and arachnids and then also separate creatures like mollusks. Little things. 

Okay, onto more concise headcanons! Things I was told but cannot prove also go under this section, like Sean and Lee being childhood friends, Sean growing up in the cult as opposed to forming it, ect. But I use these to base my thoughts because these make for a fun and fascinating story to me! I like the idea that he grew up like this, and i’ve made a note about this when speaking to some friends, but;

Generally my big ones are on the family and building their worldbuilding and what exactly they stand for in the narrative. My favorite concept is that the leader never survives very long ; the leader is always whoever is most necessary to the goal at the time. Hence, why Sean became leader; he was loyal and as close to a Carrier as anyone could be, he had the means to be useful. Before him, it's always pastors, politicians, police, doctors, ect, people who are important, and the cult teaches the children to grow into these professions to garner as much power as possible. They want their hands everywhere, in everything, hearing and speaking to as many as they can. The Family teaches closeness amongst members, speaks that they are the only ones who will find salvation in the new world, that the Leaders will be the gods that reign alongside The Speaker when the world ends and is started anew (by merging purgatory with the overworld! that one's canon) but! the leader of each sector of the cult (i like to pretend it's much bigger than it likely is) never makes it too long! because someone else is always more useful, more important, like Sean! Therefore, they tend to fall into madness from The Speaker's whispers and pass on at its hands, or kill themselves to escape once it starts getting bad. which, funny enough, was HIS fate too! He tells Lee that he gave up his family and his humanity for the Speaker, of course he’s in it’s world in the afterlife, and it’s “his will.” 

Significantly more fucked up headcanon: leaders and important figures to The Family get branded or otherwise 'marked' to display their loyalty and exactly who or what they belong to. Sean got branded when he became leader and at the same time he got REALLY hooked on The Speaker and hes very proud of that fucking mark. "this is my divine right" ass. He’s in deep!! I also like to imagine he leaves this same scar on Lee, sort of binding them together, The Leader and The Carrier, two beings that can never escape their binding fates, they will both be tools for the new world and be together in the afterlife– Sean says this in the series too; they’re going to the same place!

Sean: You think I'd go somewhere else when I died? After sacrificing my humanity- to him? Lee: You're not real! You're not real! Sean: You know- the same thing will happen to you, when you go. Lee: Shut up! Shut up!

This also links into a secondary thought I have about him in which he’s really fucking weird about pain ; The Speaker, canonically, makes whoever it speaks to- sick. Okay, not sick. It actively hurts. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt, according to Lee. And then, if you listen long enough, it has a drug quality to it; Sean is quite literally addicted to his own god! And that shit HURTS, but it feels good, it feels powerful, it feels– right! It becomes necessary, something to attach to, you need it like you need breathing, and you start to associate this pain and agony with good things, pleasure, greatness, going through this means you get this BLESSING of hearing The Speaker’s voice! So now Sean tackles everything with this concept; Pain brings good things, it brings clarity, pain is associated with everything he needs. This doubles; I like to think The Speaker literally warps the way you think. I think , in the sense of a leader , it needs someone cruel and ruthless. We know it's incredibly intelligent, we know it's a mastermind of sorts- it's not hard to make the jump and assume that on top of it all; the irritation and swings of withdrawal, the desperation, all of it- it's fully capable of destroying who you are and turning you into something monsterous in it's image. That's what a good leader should be, ^_^ Resembling their god!

Fuckingngngng freak. I have more thoughts about him. Nicer thoughts. He looks at birds and thinks of Lee. Him and Lee were childhood friends— Sean picks lizards off of bricks and shows them off. They tussle in the grass together. They get fuckin drunk off their asses in the back of Sean’s busted ass car and talk about the future– Sean always said he never knew what he wanted to do. He meant it, because his fate was already decided by someone else. Him and Mo knew each other because of this. He never really had stuffed animals as a kid and he thinks theyre really dorky but he keeps getting them as gifts and from games and shit and he really likes them . he wears almost exclusively graphic tees and band tees and its weird as FUCK to see him wearing anything else. adnd ten million more things but god this is a long post can you send me another ask /silly

overall, one thing: he is THIS FUCKIN SONG! canaries in the coal mine by john congleton and the nighty nite. thats sean wf.

[malstermonkey]

Why it’s not money but purpose...

I have a most excellent friend who, a few days ago, wrote a most excellent blog -- it was full of humour and wisdom and critical self-appraisal and it made me realise the enduring, unbreakable nature of a genuine “connection”.

And whilst my instinct is to write about that, I’m not sure I trust myself (quite yet) to not go radically over-the-top and blow everything up (but, lass, understand my instinct to throw caution to the winds, to put all my chips on red, to bet the house (actually I can’t I don’t have one!) and all that is huge..........) instead I will write about why I believe the only genuine and enduring motivation at work is PURPOSE.

So, let’s get a fundamental out of the way 1st -- for those on the breadline, for those living hand-to-mouth & from day-to-day, there’s no self-actualising aspect to work: it’s a means-to-an-end, a mere matter of survival...........sadly at this end of the spectrum the work is mundane, smelly, menial and, often, dangerous (if not the work then the working conditions?). This is, no doubt, material for another blog, but the precedent conditions for this one is that with a semblance of (financial) security work could, and should, be more than just the acquisition of the means (money) and actually be meaningful.

“Meaningful” here comes in a number of forms, it could have meaning personally or the work contributes to the greater well being of one’s surroundings, one’s community, society -- in both cases work now “adds value” where the latter, contribution to society, is leveraged and therefore doubly satisfying.

And what is defines meaningful work? Contribution. In a commercial sense the definition is relatively easily described: you need only ask yourself the following question: why does the business exist? The answer should run along the lines of “this business exists because it solves the following problem, the solving of which customers are prepared to pay for........”.

Hence, inherent in any commercial venture is the idea of contribution, of adding value -- and all leadership decisions should therefore start with asking the question: “how does this process/action contribute to fulfilling our purpose?”. 

Think like this and an organisation is built to furthering its contribution to our wellbeing -- and employees become part of this, rather than being the “tools” towards achieving it. 

I would contend that all successful companies are focused primarily on the product (red solution) they offer and secondarily (but evangelically) on trying to bring their solution to as wide an audience as possible. Think of a business in this way and the money inevitably follows -- money is the (incredibly) pleasant by-product of providing a “solution” (product).

Motivating employees, when a business is seen through this lens, is almost not necessary as, for human beings, contributing and adding value are wonderful ends in-and-of itself........

My take is that leadership becomes (almost?) redundant when the purpose of the organisation is well understood, well articulated (amongst the workforce) so that each employee understands the part they play and will, over time, lead to a more dynamic, open and profitable organisation.

My excellent friend quoted Marty Cagen where, he contends, “having a team of missionaries and not mercenaries is good for business, good for team morale and is a win for the individual” -- SPOT ON.

Hence, it is absolutely NOT a legitimate strategy to have as an overarching aim to grow revenue (make more money) as that aim speaks to nobody (except the 2-3 greedy Execs at the very top and shareholders), but instead focus n how to make the product better and even more relevant.

[sapphic-sasuke]

Hello. I’ve read your fanfiction on AO3 and I’m a fan of your writing. (I'm excited to see how you handle Danzō in your current fanfic) I saw your tags in a post saying that had Danzō been written better, he would’ve been one of your favorite characters.

Now, I’m certainly not a Danzō sympathizer, but I’ve read fanfiction that did humanize him beyond the typical one-dimensional villain in canon and it made me like his character a little.

I don’t see many people sharing this viewpoint, which made me curious, what do you see in him? I’d love to read your take and how you would’ve handled his character.

Hihihi and ahhh thank you im so happy you like my fanfic!!!

So I guess what I like about danzo is how he’s a corrupt, konoha antagonist who runs an underground ANBU faction that isn’t open knowledge to konoha shinobi. something that really interests me is how it’s always danzo who confronts the main konoha casts with the extent of the village’s war crimes. to me, danzo acts as a symbol of konoha’s corruption. but he also always acts in konoha’s best interests. he is konoha personified to me and when sasuke killed him, he killed off his final connection to konoha.

danzo was enabled by the shinobi around him. notwithstanding his brainwashed army, he had power, authority to be in a position to get away with that act for so long. and i think danzo could have been used as a perfect tool to make the main cast doubt their village, doubt the authority they’re conditioned to serve.

to me it’s not really about how humanised danzo is because i actually think he’s plenty humanised in canon. he’s obsessed with konoha, jealous of hiruzen and is hardened into believing that anything is necessary for the village’s survival. but he is also weak, senile and at his moment of death tries so desperately to escape and run away. he’s cowardly; he hides behind a brainwashed army. he requires absolute obedience from his ROOT because he desires control and domination for the stability to feel like “i did something right; i am placing konoha first so my life has purpose. so the sacrifices i make are fine” and in a village where child soldiers are the norm, where indoctrination is mandatory to serve as a shinobi, teetering into a state of extremism is relative. it’s a military dictatorship and when all you know is war and domination and politics, that is the result.

while danzo is a perpetrator of the shinobi system, he is also unknowingly a victim of its violence. he witnessed it come into fruition into the powerhouse that konoha became. in fact, it’s his actions that maintained that, and i think it turned into an obsession, to the point where anybody that threatened it, anybody that came in the way of decades of hard work of keeping their military thriving had to be exterminated indiscriminately.

danzo isn’t a good person. none of the characters are. but to me he’s a really nice example of just how far the shinobi system can annex one’s morality, compassion and sense of reality. this is the same man who implanted himself with sharingans on his arm, who injected himself with hashirama cells. he is a walking abomination. everything about him is unnatural—but then contrastingly, he is the most effective shinobi. he lives through deception and underestimation.

his main ideology doesn’t come into conflict with any konoha shinobi; it’s only ever his methods that are criticised. he is willing to sacrifice the people of the village, even innocents like children (not just the “traitors” like the uchihas) and that is where the conflict comes from because danzo’s sacrifices of children are hidden, kidnappings. hiruzen’s sacrifices of children are official and with the consent of the parents. as such, acting within the laws of the state, one is seen as better than the other when realistically, although ROOT is definitely far more brutal, they are one and the same. they operate under the same system with the same results: death.

this farce of autonomy when being shinobi is something danzo doesn’t bother himself with. shinobis are tools first and foremost so danzo takes that literally, sees hiruzen’s preaching of friendship for the false propaganda that it is and contends himself with raising an army to one day become the hokage himself. and he even achieves it—but only briefly. and i think there’s something so satisfying in that. to work so hard, to become a monster even in comparison to shinobi and to still fail... it’s so nice.

the symbolism of him being so unnatural while also perfectly embodying konoha’s qualities is something i really like about his character. if he was less of a scapegoat and was used to directly impact character’s perceptions of konoha with lasting results i would have favoured him definitely. he’s only really shown as black and white evil because of the narrative’s portrayal... when in actuality compared to the other hokages, his crimes are just as bad.

[fantasy-anatomy-analyst]

Drow evolution

previous drow post on basic anatomy. masterpost over here.

And the next post on eusocial hierarchy over here.

Also my Patreon page if you want to see things like extra sketches, get an early look at some of the drow worldbuilding text, etc.

Okay. This is the speculative fantasy evolution post for my drow and their cousin species! Currently referring to them as the sylvan family, which incudes drow, elves, and my vampires (and i am still thinking of maybe renaming the vampires and probably renaming the drow. can't have the dnd company get bothered at me for using drow in my eventual novel lol)

(image description: a series of small digital paintings on one page, with descriptive text. It shows various creatures that were part of the evolution of the drow, elves, and vampires. I will detail them out below. end description.)

So far my most complex evolution chart lol. full descriptions under the cut:

Alfilopithecus: early tree-dwelling primate ancestor, resembles some modern monkeys. The forest environment it occupied would have been very dark, so it may have relied more on hearing than sight. This is speculated to be what started the genetic trend of large ears further down the evolutionary line.

Sylvapithecus: remains have been found near evidence of early tool use. May have convergently evolved alongside early human ancestors like Australopithecus. Still retained the long and somewhat prehensile tail that makes living in trees a little easier. Ear size is only a speculation, but it is theorized that the ears of the sylvan family tree became larger than actually necessary for better hearing because it became a matter of sexual selection as well.

Sylvus Arachne: diverged from the line while the prehensile tail was still a common trait, and retained the tail into modern times. They are descended from a population that migrated underground, and somehow developed a magical ability to spin natural light into threads. The genetics behind magical abilities are still a mystery.

Sylvus Arborea: essentially just means "tree elf". They developed complex tool use and invented archery separately from humans and orcs, utilizing the bow and arrow as effective ambush hunting tools from tall trees. There is still evidence of tails in Sylvus Arborea, but they were shorter and may have been less prehensile.

Sylvus Sylvan: widely considered to be the "true elves", though there is much debate on whether or not this is even a useful term. Modern elves still retain much of Sylvus Sylvan's genetics and appearance. They were the first to channel natural ambient magic to cast elemental magic. This skill varies between individuals, regarding elemental type, power levels, and channeling method. By this time, tails have been reduced to a vestigial nub.

Sylvus Draculan: the modern vampire. They are the strangest branch on the sylvan family tree. The current theory is that they evolved from a highly isolated population, during or before the divergence of Sylvus Sylvan, when tails were disappearing from the line. They may have developed their strange blood-based diet in a low-nutrition environment. They are ambush hunters who use a burst of sprinting speed to capture their prey, developing digitigrade feet to give them an extra spring in their step. Some vampires may also have used a brood parasite technique of survival, depositing their children in drow colonies for safety and easier feeding while the parents went hunting.

Sylvus Hominid: the most recent divergence from the main line, this is the modern elf. Whether they are a clearly defined new subspecies or not is still up for debate. They come from older elf populations that mingled with humanity and produced mixed species children that were fertile enough to keep reproducing. Humans have since become extinct, but their genetic memory flows in the blood of most modern elves and their more distant dwarven cousins.

and there you have it! Yeah, I toe the line on believable science with the mixed species reproduction, but it does add to the Themes of my story in this particular case. And in the more egregious cases, like letting completely unrelated groups (elves and orcs or gnomes) have kids? well. that's for the Aesthetic. I am allowed to write a little nonsense biology. as a treat.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

What’s your opinion for Leo’s reaction to finding out the mc was immortal as well- not necessarily a vampire, maybe they’re some other type of supernatural. I’m really curious because Leo seems like he’s mainly in love with the mc bec they are human.

Hi lovely!!! Always wonderful to see you, hope you’re well! 💛💛💛💛💛

Tbh I think my opinion remains the same about something like this? I'm going to link to an ask I wrote up a while ago, only because it's v pertinent to the subject matter and good background for what I’m going to expand on here.

That being said, I'm happy to kind of tl;dr/expand on what I talked about there. Basically I had the feeling that Leonardo choosing MC as a lover was more circumstantial--regarding the state of his life in the moment, regarding his general feelings about vampires and vampire society, and regarding his unresolved trauma as a young kid.

I guess my answer to that question--and forgive me if it seems like a cop out--is that it really depends, I feel? I think his attraction has a lot more to do with the kind of person somebody is, their sensibility, more than it has to do with mortal vs immortal. If it was an immortal MC that showed ridiculous fortitude and self-control, measured patience and maturity, I really don’t see him not noticing that? I think he would be wary at first (assuming it’s all a front) but with time would likely feel a great deal of love if they were interested in a life together. If they were able to see and understand what he needs and answered those needs, I guess I just really doubt his ability to say no. It’s all he’s really looking for, and the fact that he hasn’t found it after so long really speaks to his frightened evasiveness and the rare nature of that kind of unshakeable strength.

I also think a lot of his hinging away from purebloods (true immortals, in other words) is that he 100% does not want his familia having any involvement in his meaningful relationships. Which might be why he shows more acceptance towards turned vampires, or potentially different supernatural beings.

But I also don’t like giving a vague answer without some kind of explanation as to how I got, to that conclusion, so a boatload of analysis follows below the content warning.

Spoilers for Leonardo’s route and a few mentions of JPN ver content:

I think he has less of an obsession with the idea of mortality, and more like a constant association of goodness and freedom and maturity with humanity. And while it's understandable, there are signs that--when he has the proper time and space to heal--his views seem to soften from those extremes. I mean his decision to live with Comte is pretty much his first step in that direction; it was him acknowledging for the first time that vampires aren't inherently loathsome or incapable of normal living. (On a revealing note, I think it says a lot that he agrees with MC that she is living in a “wolves’ den” but also feels the need to clarify the men are basically the domesticated equivalent. They don’t pose the same threat other vampires typically do to humans because of their lifestyle and sire.) Additionally, his tsun-like behavior towards Comte also seems to solidify this concept for me: Leonardo’s trying to come to terms with something he's sworn to reject since he was young, but also can't entirely deny that Comte is as chill and mature as purebloods come lmao

[There was also an event in the JPN ver–which seems to be approaching the ENG version rapidly, though only the first part is here right now–in which Leonardo fully offers to turn her. MC is essentially on her death bed, and Leonardo doesn’t want to lose her after so little time together; it’s MC that rejects the future as a vampire out of sheer principle. Even more noteworthy is that, when a reincarnation of MC is reunited with Leonardo in modern times, he is revealed to be exceptionally shaken by that loss. There are suggestions he can’t take losing her again, which could mean succumbing to the desire to bite her.]

Two things I feel are necessary to hit home:

The first being that, at least within the storyline so far, the most mature and human-like vampires we’ve seen are Leonardo and Comte. They seek to emulate the maturity they see reflected in the human beings they’ve known all their lives. Given how vampire society and their hierarchies work, I get the feeling humans are nothing more than amusing tools to them--a way to survive and creatures to exercise control over. There’s an objectification and delusion that comes with what I’ve seen, and I think it’s important in this discussion? If the vast majority of vampires behave this way (because I’m ngl, Leonardo and Comte don’t seem very keen on remaining in touch with other vampires all that much) then it only makes sense they prefer the company of humans who can at least share this sensibility of “been there, done that--stop hurting people bc you’re bored/repressed, grow up.”

One event story where this was exceedingly evident was actually Leonardo’s proposal story. If y’all remember, an old pal/acquaintance of Leonardo’s finds out he’s gunning for a human woman and basically goes “lmao not on my watch.” His name was Adam iirc, and he felt he had every liberty to try and pressure Leonardo into turning MC. Failing that, he insisted they should break up and not be together anymore. Now, on the one hand, it’s fair to say that he was looking out for Leonardo in a way–he didn’t want him to end up miserable and alone when she was gone. But at the same time I feel that Adam’s behavior is deeply revealing of vampire society as well lmao. He doesn’t really try to understand the situation, just immediately assumes it’s the only appropriate outcome. It does insinuate a lowkey cultural disdain for humanity: they are imperfect, they do not last or cannot have real value without preservation. If Adam was really Leonardo’s friend, wouldn’t he realize that Leonardo considers vampirism nothing more than a burden that he would wish on no one, much less his future wife? Additionally, wouldn’t he also keep in mind that Leonardo considers human beings beautiful just as they are? Since he fails these basic requirements to understand Leonardo, my impression is that he is influenced by the larger vampire culture to some extent. Furthermore, it underscores just how thoroughly Leonardo has been trained to keep his cards close to his chest for fear of ridicule/violent reprisal: no vampires know his true feelings on the matter because he would be vehemently rejected outright.

[One can also offer that maybe Adam wasn’t being malicious, maybe vampires find human women they fall in love with all the time and turn them (or any other permutation of companionship that occurs), so he doesn’t understand why Leonardo wouldn’t. But even then, to try to force them to break up if she doesn’t turn? A bit overkill imo but also revealing--Leonardo’s will is being ignored for the sake of upholding a kind of ill-founded superiority complex lmao]

While Leonardo does have a somewhat overbearing need to control the pacing of his relationship and who sacrifices what, I don’t think it’s wrong to be cautious--to want to think things through. I think it’s fair to be afraid that the person you’re with can’t handle what you’ve seen/known. But that also leads me to a core issue I have with MC: she doesn’t inspire much confidence that she can handle the life he’s lived, and that’s a problem of both incapacity and incompatibility. I have to wonder how he reacts when he’s with somebody at the same maturity level, or at the very least somebody with whom he can see her strength with time. When MC’s life was dying out he was desperate enough to accept biting her because he didn’t want to lose her–human or not. It’s MC that rejects this solution, which leads me to further believe that he just doesn’t care about the divide when it comes down to it; it has more to do with his difficulty with being vulnerable and fully trusting someone to care about him. (Assuming they also have the fortitude to stay hopeful and relatively strong over the course of a very long life.)

In line with that, the second thing I think it’s important to acknowledge is how deeply hurt Leonardo is as a result of his family treating him like a fool/black sheep. He outright says and heavily insinuates that his family would write her off as worthless, that they’d never accept her--that's his first thought:

Leonardo: “My familia would call you frail. I think you’re strong and beautiful. You do more with your time than we try to do with ours.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC: “And those letters were from your familia?”

Leonardo: “Yeah. I don’t talk to them or see them anymore. We don’t agree...on a lot of things.”

[Brief intermission here. But lmao. Who does that sound like? If any of you guessed Isaac, that’s exactly what I’m alluding to. Isaac says in his own route smth along the lines of “Why bother trying to get through to people when no amount of talking does any good or gets you any closer to being understood?” Which also explains the way they get along to uncanny degrees: they find comfort in making things/researching because it means being able to avoid the distress that comes with being blatantly misunderstood by others. Their pain simply comes in different dimensions; for Leo it’s about loss and hiding who he is out of fear of rejection, for Isaac it’s about betrayal and people turning on him--ultimately abandonment for both. But I digress, back to the main argument.]

Leonardo: “Once they discovered my location, they began hounding me with letters again. They don’t want me to be with just anyone...They want more purebloods. I’m no more than one half of an equation for them.”

There is a clear implication that his desire to choose somebody that truly makes him happy means jack shit to them. They keep talking over him and trying to wear him down to force him into what they want. It’s no wonder--imo--that he has such a hard time just saying what he wants in his life, to feel like he has the freedom to wish and pursue anything freely. It’s no wonder he just expects MC to spit on everything that’s important to him. It appears as though only other human beings in general and Comte have ever come close to understanding him.

At some point MC realizes that his insistence on being compagni provvisori was originally just another act of sacrifice, and that he was fine with giving up his time and a little privacy if it meant she would be safe. The thing she doesn’t seem to realize in the course of this--and he struggles to say it until later on--is that it stopped being blind generosity. He really did start to fall in love with her, and that’s the whole reason things became even more messy; because he didn’t anticipate not being able to let go on top of the vulnerability. And it’s a big part of why he’s hesitating to speak. He feels he has no right to those feelings, and that he’s imposing on her--not that he’ll be welcome.

And when she did finally admit those feelings were welcome, it was compounded by the parroted views of his family and larger vampire society as a whole. Saying that she herself wasn’t enough, that she had to become a vampire to make him happy. Imo that sounds very potentially retraumatizing given his experiences (people trying to force him into marriages with other vampires who didn’t remotely understand or care about him because it was “the right way of things”). It’s no wonder he freaks out and does something incredibly stupid and insensitive–which is pretty insanely ooc for him.

Leonardo: “...It shocked them. Quieted them down a bit. Hard to get peace when your familia is immortal. Grazie, cara mia.”

Leonardo: “You’re strong, and you’re kind. So probably you won’t cry while I’m here to see it. But when I’m not looking, you’ll cry. If I had done that to you (bitten her, in other words), you’d still be crying when I wasn’t watching... Maybe it’s selfish of me, after what I did, but I just wanted to make you happy. You always look pretty, cara mia, but your smile takes my breath away...It’s not your destiny to love someone who will only make you cry.”

This man literally cannot handle anyone deeply sad or in despair. He’s always going to try to cheer people up and care about them, but general tragedy/emotional discord affects him very powerfully--and it’s likely a reflection of what I’ve mentioned before. He can’t bear to see people feeling helpless or miserable because he’s just been there too many times to be able to cope. He wants to help and heal (even if he’s suffering from prolonged compassion fatigue), but he knows that his powers are limited--even if he is a pureblood.

And the thing is? While it’s misguided to believe she would cry alone when it comes to the context of healthy romantic love (bc the idea would be that you lean on each other when something upsetting happens) he has zero reference point. He was not born as a result of authentic love (his parents never married, he was the result of a procreative arrangement), his family talks over every wish and belief he has and they still claim it’s done out of love/honest concern for him. One can only imagine the serpentine and obnoxious lengths to which his family has deceived or tried to force him into reconnecting with them. Every person that ever did know him/care about him in a real way is gone. Love, for him, has only been a series of losses that left his heart hollowed out; I don’t really blame him for expecting further disappointment and isolation and exhaustion. 

He’s also not wrong in the sense that he partially saw MC do what he outlined, and it’s a big part about what he loves about her. When she was feeling alone and lost–powerless–all she did was shrug and move forward. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t do is healthier. And they both have the tendency to hide when they’re in pain or feeling lost, all because they don’t want to trouble anyone. Remember that when he says this, it’s a reflection of himself too: because even if he was heartbroken beyond measure, all he would do is hide it every second; he would never expect anyone to see right through him or care.

I mean I tend think of that one post I saw that talked about how people often see themselves as a social burden when most of their life has just been a series of neglect and loss. They don’t really have a concept of “you’re not heavy because I want to stay with you. It’s my choice to care about you.” How do you feel worthwhile an existence when four hundred years later your family still won’t treat you with basic dignity. The men in the mansion also all look to him for guidance and soothing because of the kind of person he is–he’s either silent in the periphery or helping. He never betrays so much as an inkling of insecurity or distress. 

I mean the whole reason Leonardo comes to the mansion is because he has absolutely no issue helping Comte in a pivotal time of need without seeking much of anything in return. Remember that Comte explains how Leonardo came to the mansion in response to Comte’s distress about the future. This makes sense considering Comte was rapidly trying to stop Vlad by beating him to the punch, and had only enough time to plan the basics. He had no certainty things would work out, much less that his boys would thrive. But Comte, unlike the boys, has become acutely aware of how much Leonardo is hiding his fatigue and despair in the course of being helped. As such, he wants to return the favor--and tries to be a good friend to him as much as he can (handles his insane familia, keeps things light and silly time between them, takes him seriously as a person, doesn’t pry beyond what’s fair.)

[I also think of that psychology concept of “the good enough mother.” It’s not always about being perfect every second of your life. It’s about paying attention and acting where it really counts. I feel like people who grow up under an enormous burden of neglect or parental/mentor abuse have a hard time coming to terms with the idea. This notion that just trying is enough for a lot of people, that showing them they’re not alone is enough to make  difficult memories bearable. Because it’s the oppressive silence and apathy that tends to kills people, imo--not people who mean well. But Leonardo doesn’t really understand any kind of reciprocal or non-self-emptying model because the concept is beyond him. He has no experience with it beyond Comte and a select few humans he’s befriended.]

Let’s continue on this point of MC crying where he can’t see her, shall we? The reason this scares him so much is not because he doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to make the effort. It’s precisely that he cares to the point of madness. It’s that he is legitimately convinced nothing he has to say, nothing that he can do, no part of him is enough to ease what she will have to trade away to stay with him. The core issue is not one of disregard or objectification, I find it to be more about his belief that he just isn’t enough. He doesn’t trust that anyone can love him to the point where just the sight of him or time with him can heal. And while there is a foolishness to this belief, it’s understandable when you consider where he’s coming from. You can call it selfishness, but it just feels involuntary--he has a lot of fear when it comes to love.

I mean Comte even says it himself? His words here always strike me: “I want you to understand, it’s because he cherishes you just as you are--more than he cares about his future or his well-being.”

Comte is openly identifying the way that Leonardo has a tendency to give more than is healthy. That Leonardo isn’t hesitating because his feelings are lacking, he’s doing it because he knows it’s going to hurt like a bitch trying to love her and never ask beyond what feels reasonable. (Spoilers: no request is reasonable. That’s the problem here. He’s convinced he deserves nothing.) Therefore turning her into a vampire to stay with him is--consequently, to Leonardo--out of the question. This is the literal hingepoint at which Comte and Leonardo divide; Comte simply tells MC he’ll take full responsibility for asking so much of her. He intends to make her happy with every single resource and skill he has at his disposal. Even if he doubts his ability or fears losing her to vampire rhetoric madness, he’d rather try than live with the regret and immediate loss. Leonardo is more resistant because of his dour outlook, that her fear of immortality is never going to be something that either of them can overcome. And/or he’s likely afraid she’s only going to regret being together after so long, and might succumb to the ridiculous sort of power/greed complexes vampires seem so attracted to by nature.

I think Leonardo is still coming to terms with the idea that he isn't alone in the world in a lot of ways, and I think he's also coming to terms with the idea that immortality does not equate to evil. Sure, human beings on average are probably more open to flexible modes of thinking and living compared to vampires--their maturity is in some ways guaranteed due to the instances they're forced to adapt to survive. However, just one look at the ruling class and oligarchies of all kinds (even just stubborn human beings) reveals how they are not immune to the same sort of megalomania, arrogance, and thoughtless violence purebloods/vampires are capable of.

So I guess I hesitate when it comes to the thought that he only loves her because she's human. If anything, I think he loves her for the fact that she's very rooted in reality--not quite so bound by the extremes that trouble him. It's one of the many reasons I believe Leonardo needs a lot of maturity and patience; the ability to differentiate between his panicked/overwhelmed/hurt reactions versus his calm is a skill in and of itself considering his capacity for concealment. To say nothing of getting him to slow down when this happens, too.

I suppose I think about it in a way that’s similar to how Napoleon’s main story narrative is framed. While Leonardo’s route doesn’t focus on the grandeur of being a former emperor, there is a clear insinuation here that he also craves normalcy? Just a little life, with a person he loves dearly, where he can rest and be himself for once. I think because he gives off such an appearance of steadiness, people fail to see that he is barely holding on--not to mention the kind of experiences he’s been deprived of (the exact security and understanding he so expertly emulates).

Closer to your question, it’s worth mentioning that Leonardo’s life goal for a while was the creation of an immortal human being--in that he fully recognized human beings could not offer what he needed as they were.

He loves humans because of their adaptability, their frequent desire to keep seeking out hope and making the best of the broken pieces they have. But then again, it has more to do with the nature of how frequently that sensibility occurs in humans vs vampires (and immortality in general): mortality does demand some level of necessity to change and grow. Which is one of the largest trauma points for him; the vampires around him just refused to grow up, always demanding at him like children and obsessed with their power complexes.

Thing is I also don't know enough about vampire society to know how correct this perceived ratio is. However, given Comte's similar avoidance of other vampires and general inability to live with them (he and Vlad were literal childhood best friends and Comte can't stand him anymore lmao) I think Leonardo may have more validity here than people give him credit for. Which begs the question--why did he quit trying to make a human immortal? What was it that stopped him? Was it the horror of what needed to be done to achieve it? Or would a potential companion start to fall more in love with the idea of immortality than they do with life itself/him? I think it’s a worthwhile question to ask, given the disdain he seems to aim at Shakespeare in particular--once human, but now emulates all of the violence and insatiability marked by vampirism.

This is where the transition from human to vampire/immortal contains another hingepoint: is Leonardo so incapable of finding a middle ground because he feels like any choice he makes will be a wrong one? Marry a human, deprive them of a normal love where they can grow old together. Marry a human and turn them, what if they are reborn with immortal wounds/psychological harm? What if time proves they get bored of him or hateful, what if they begin to act like the predatory purebloods he hates so much? Marry a pureblood/immortal, and be hounded by his family for heirs--risk being with somebody who will never love him or their children, and only inspire more misery in the world.

Does it make sense how this can really start to become an anxious downspiral for someone like him? How the personal insecurity and life history comes together to just compound stress endlessly?

That's the thing that's important here, I think. Leonardo just needs somebody who is open-minded, firm, and not easily deceived. If one takes a look at Leonardo's main story route, the whole reason everything goes to shit so disastrously is because MC stops listening at a critical point. Granted Leonardo could have been more forthcoming for sure, but when she started assuming Shakespeare was right instead of seeing how Leonardo was feeling/reacting, she responded in ways Leonardo wasn't prepared for. He never wanted to shake her faith or insinuate whatever she is is not good enough for him, and tbh I think Leonardo downspiraled because it was just the same thing all over again. What he is--a vampire and immortal--keeps ruining everything he wants with his life. 

[scapegrace74-blog]

New Ways of Turning into Stone, Chapter 4

A/N  Some strong reactions to the last chapter, which I admit caught me by surprise.   Writing is a funny craft, where you spend a lot of time and effort trying to show your reader exactly the picture you have in your mind, but then also have to surrender to each reader’s interpretation of what you wrote.  That said, some interpretations miss the mark entirely, and for that reason this chapter is entitled “False Assumptions”.   Trigger warning for childhood disease.

Jamie’s weekly appointments continued through the grey slumber of late April and into the wakening month of May.  Thursday became Claire’s favourite day of the week, for reasons she didn’t care to scrutinize too closely.

With regularity came a certain brand of predictability.  Their appointments took one of two forms, she realized.  Some days Jamie was full of life, witty and exasperating by turns.  He would spin long yarns about some trivial aspect of his life, fascinating tales that turned out to be nothing more than surface reflections, revealing little of the murky depths beneath.  He was also adept at using his considerable verbal charm to draw her into divulging more about herself than she ought.  Those visits left her equally frustrated and challenged.

The rest of the time her patient arrived with a weary slump, the thousand watt bulb of his personality dimmed to an occasional flicker.  Given his offhand comment about whisky and women, she tried not to ponder if he was hungover or suffering from the effects of an all-night hook-up.  From a diagnostic point of view these days of low ebb were beneficial because Jamie was far more likely to offer some nugget of inner revelation, truth sneaking out through the cracks of his weakened defences.

“I was away on business, in Hong Kong, when my Da passed,” he said on one such afternoon, the skin below his eyes drawn tight and the copper in his hair somehow muted.

“Did it happen suddenly?” 

“No’ really.  Jen had been at me fer months tae come hame, sayin’ that Da was workin’ himself tae death.”   Jamie looked out the window, eyes reflecting the overcast skies beyond.  “I ignored her.  Too wrapped up in my own grand self tae pay any heed.  Twas Ian, my brother-in-law, who called tae say Da had dropped in the pasture.  Massive coronary.  I caught the first flight back, but he was gone before I landed.”

She watched Jamie’s face closely as he spoke, but beyond the understandable emotion of reliving the sudden loss of a parent, he remained inscrutable.  The urge to draw him out overcame the deference she paid to Jamie’s well-defined boundaries.

“Do you think you’re to blame for his death?” she asked, half-expecting to be met with silence or a nimble deflection.

Jamie shook his head ruefully.

“Nah.  I dinna think I’m tae blame.  I ken it.  I was the only surviving son, ye see?  In the Highlands, tradition is everything, an’ a Fraser man had worked those lands fer generations.  I was only meant tae complete my studies abroad, an’ then return tae Lallybroch and take o’er from Da.  Instead, I left my sister an’ Ian tae watch o’er the farm while I played the business tycoon.”

“Is Lallybroch still in your family?” she wondered aloud, the name rolling about in her mouth like marbles.  

“Jenny and Ian couldna keep it.  I wasna well enough tae object, an’ they sold tae a developer.  It’s some kind of corporate wellness retreat now,” he finished with a distasteful grimace.

For every disclosure Jamie made, two more questions arose in its wake, like hacking away at a many-headed Hydra.  She wished she could delve further, but the chime from her computer announced the end of the session.

“Will I see you next week, Jamie?” she asked as he reluctantly rose to leave.

“Aye,” said with a sad smile.  “I’ll be here.”

***

The following Tuesday, Claire took the afternoon off work to perform an errand she’d long been avoiding.

Her departure from the Royal Hospital for Children had been so precipitous, she hadn’t filed the necessary paperwork to close her employment file.  The Human Resources department had been pestering her to complete the process for months.  The threat of holding up the transfer of her accreditation finally forced her hand.

To her great relief, the personnel offices were nowhere near the actual wards.  They lay at the end of a long white hallway broken by large windows looking into a series of meeting and activity rooms.  Her plan was to get in, sign the damn forms, and leave without running into any former colleagues or patients.   

The sun slanting into one of these sparsely furnished rooms glanced off the top of a bent head, causing it to glow like a freshly minted penny.  She stopped and stared, trying to reconcile the image of James Fraser seated in a too-small plastic chair, surrounded by a group of hospital-gowned children.

He must have caught sight of her while she stood gaping.  Running to the door before she could find the motor function to turn around, he called out joyfully from behind a blue hospital mask.

“Doctor Beauchamp!  Fancy meeting ye here.”

She mumbled something incoherent, damning herself for the blush she felt enveloping her cheeks.   Behind Jamie, a row of dewy eyes watched on.   She recognized the paper-thin skin and missing hair of chemotherapy patients, and a salty knot rose in her throat.

“Can ye spare a few minutes? Ye’re jes the pair of steady hands we need.”

She longed to decline, to disappear, to come up with a plausible excuse why she couldn’t enter that room.  Her heart thumped angrily in her chest, warning of its fragile state.

Seeing her conflict, Jamie extended a welcoming hand.

“Come, Sassenach.  The lassies would love tae meet ye.”

The space smelled of sterile laundry and sawdust.  With a habit borne of years of practice, Claire disinfected her hands in the small utility sink and donned a spare mask from the nearby dispenser, all while wondering what the hell she was doing.

The children were seated on colourful chairs arranged around a low table, its surface covered in pieces of pre-cut lumber, colourful pots of paint, a glue gun and all manner of cheap decorations such as you would find at a craft store.  The little girls ranged in age from pre-school to young teen, but they all looked at Jamie as though he’d hung the moon as he addressed them.

“Ladies, I’d like ye tae meet Doctor Beauchamp.  She’s a braw doctor but I bet she kens next tae nothing about woodwork.  Ye’ll have tae show her how it’s done.”

A chorus of nervous giggles was the only response.  Claire knew from experience that being a medical professional wasn’t going to endear her to children who spent much of their lives being essentially tortured in the name of science, hoping for some kind of miracle.

“Hello, everyone,” she waved meekly.  “You can call me Miss Claire, if you like.  Now, whatever are you doing with all this wood?”

It turned out that Jamie was supervising the construction of a half-dozen birdhouses.  He had pre-cut the lumber for easy assembly, but was assisting each girl to create a custom masterpiece that would hang outside her hospital window.  With the patience and steady manner of a primary school teacher, Jamie led the group through each step.  

A waifish girl of perhaps six sat directly to Claire’s left, her bare scalp covered by a brightly coloured bandana, offset by a huge pair of peacock-blue eyes that glimmered above her mask.  Eyes that were the mirror of the ones that visited her office every Thursday.  Something heavy settled inside her ribs.

“What’s your name, sweetie?” she asked in a low voice as she pushed an open pot of sky blue paint away from the table’s edge.  Small hands busied themselves pulling apart a package of cotton balls that looked suspiciously like the ones kept in the hospital’s supply cabinet.

“Margaret Murray, Doctor, errr, Miss Claire,” came the timid reply.  

Not Fraser, then.  But that didn’t necessarily mean anything.  She snuck a glance across the table at Jamie, who was just then teasing the youngest girl by tickling her cheeks with a fake feather.  Despite her heavy thoughts, she couldn’t help but smile.  That smile faltered when she noticed that the inside of Jamie’s elbows bore a matching set of fresh bandages.   A series of puzzle pieces tumbled into place.

Perhaps sensing the weight of her scrutiny, Jamie looked their way, whistling in admiration when he saw Maggie’s near-complete birdhouse.

“Tis a fine hame ye’ve built fer yer wee birds, Maggie.  What is all yon white fluff for?”

“Tis clouds, Uncle Jamie,” Maggie replied with the certainty of childhood.  “I dinna want the birdies tae miss the sky, even when they arenna flyin’.”

Claire watched the words hit him as surely as though they had been bullets.  A frozen gasp, a shudder that travelled the length of his body and the crest of tears that he tried valiantly to blink away.

“Aye, ye’re right, a nighean.  Any bird would be fair honoured tae sleep in yer skyhouse,” he managed to reply, voice bouldery with contained emotion.

When each birdhouse was complete and left along the window ledge to dry, Jamie set his small crew of helpers the task of clearing up the mess.   Claire stood next to him as he loaded his tools back into a small carrying case.

“Thanks for inviting me to join you, Jamie.  It was... well, it was unexpectedly wonderful,” she admitted.

“Ye’re most welcome, Doctor Beauchamp.  We couldna have managed wi’out yer steady hand manning the glue gun,” he teased.

“You’re not my patient here, Jamie.  You don’t need to use my title,” she said, a bit vexed by his formality.

“Aye, but it doesna feel right tae call ye by yer given name either.  An’ Miss Claire is jes weird.”

She had to acknowledge that he had a point.

“What was it you called me earlier?  Sassa-something?”

“Sassenach.  My Da woulda skelped my hide if he heard me call a lady by that name,” he said ruefully.

“Why, does it mean something terribly offensive?”  She was almost afraid to know, having enjoyed the delusion that Jamie felt as fondly towards her as she did towards him.

“Nah, tis jes an old-fashioned word for an English person in Scotland.  Seemed tae suit ye, is all.”  He shrugged, seemingly embarrassed by the explanation.

“Well then, Sassenach it is.  When I’m not on the clock, that is.”

Jamie’s eyes danced above his mask the way they did when he smiled, and she imagined hers replied in much the same way.  A long moment passed when nothing was said, neither of them looking away.

“You’re her platelet donor,” she said at last.  “Maggie’s, I mean.”

“Aye.  Every week while she’s in hospital for chemotherapy.  Tis the least I can do.”

It was an explanation that fit all the facts, but one that she never would have guessed.  Jamie had always worn long sleeves to his appointments, but she was certain the weeks when he was haggard and worn out coincided with the times he was donating the litres of blood necessary to distill into the platelet concentrate that would then be injected into Maggie’s body, helping her combat the poisonous effects of her chemotherapy.

“Whisky, women and song?” she prodded, relieved and yet frustrated that his offhand comment had kept her from seeing the truth.  “Why didn’t you just tell me, Jamie?”

“I didna want yer pity, Sassenach.  Fer once in my life, tis no’ about me, ye ken?  I didna want ye lookin’ at me like I was some kind of hero.”

She held back her reaction that his was a textbook definition of heroism, and instead asked the next obvious question.

“Are you a compatible bone marrow donor as well?”

Jamie shook his head slowly.  Although he was a close match, he explained, it wasn’t close enough.   Maggie’s older brother, Wee Jamie, was a perfect match but the law prohibited him from becoming a donor until he was at least sixteen, in seven long years.

“We’re jes tryin’ tae buy her enough time,” he said sadly before stepping out of the room, explaining he’d be back momentarily.

Claire stood in a daze, running through everything she’d assumed about Jamie in light of these newest facts.  A light tug on her hand drew her back into the moment.  Maggie was looking up at her with wide, trusting eyes.

“Are ye the Sassenach lady Uncle Jamie and my Mam argue about?”

“I suppose I might be,” she replied, curious what had been said between the siblings that Maggie had overheard.

“Are ye a heart doctor?” Maggie continued.

“Well, no.  Not exactly.  I’m the kind of doctor who helps people who are sad, and I try to find a way for them to be happy again.”  It sounded so easy when explaining it to a six year old.

“Sometimes Mam and Da talk about Uncle Jamie when they dinna ken I’m listenin’.  I’m verra good at sneakin’,” Maggie confided, and Claire couldn’t help but smile.  What a precious child.    “I’m sure you are,” she replied warmly, a hand coming to rest gently on the tiny cloth-covered head.

“Mam says Uncle Jamie is more stubborn than a mule and that he canna see past his own big heid,” Maggie continued.  Claire couldn’t say that she disagreed with that assessment.

“But Da says Uncle Jamie’s heart has been broken too many times, and thas’ why he’s given up on living.  Can ye fix his heart, Miss Claire, so that it isna broken any more?”

She couldn’t have stopped her tears if she tried.   She knelt on the floor and gathered Maggie’s thin, fragile body in her arms.

“Oh, Maggie.  I’m certainly going to try.”

[flickeringart]

Satanism - a way to embrace Pluto?

My mind has been occupied with Pluto lately, the planet, god and symbol of “the hidden things”, the occult, the underworld, darkness, fate, rage, destruction, transformation, abduction, man’s primitive nature, life and death, power and powerlessness, fear, violation and fertility. There’s so much nuance to all planetary (archetypal) principles and there’s always more to explore. Pluto especially is a mysterious and threatening figure (force) in our lives and in the world at large. I have talked about it in previous posts, here / here and here… I’ve also explored the 8th house, which is the astrological house of Scorpio and Pluto here and here.

Many people understandably avoid anything that has to do with the darker elements of life and human nature until they are forced to deal with them. This is possibly why Pluto has been associated with violence because we are typically dragged into the depths; we don’t go there willingly. Some people, however, have lives that are marked by Pluto to such a degree that they can’t pretend that he doesn’t exist. By deciding to consciously accept him and embrace his influence it is possible to live a richer life. After all, Pluto is not only a god of destruction; he is also a god of riches. It seems to me, that the worship of Satan (as practiced by members of the Church of Satan) is very much in line with Pluto’s gifts and his riches. It’s an attempt to embrace the carnal nature. However, this Plutonian carnality is not as basic as it seems. It has its own intelligence, its own spirituality and its own laws. It seems to me that Pluto has to do with survival – psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical. He stands for survival and life at all levels of the being. As stated on the official website, “To us, Satan is the symbol that best suits the nature of we who are carnal by birth—people who feel no battles raging between our thoughts and feelings, we who do not embrace the concept of a soul imprisoned in a body. He represents pride, liberty, and individualism—qualities often defined as Evil by those who worship external deities, who feel there is a war between their minds and emotions.”

I think, that this philosophy attempts to treasure the whole (hu)man, to recognize his divinity even in his subjective thoughts and feelings. It’s an attempt to honor the darker aspects of human nature – anger, rage, and instinctual responses. It’s essentially to honor the earth, the dark void, and the merciless existence. Putting faith in external deities is robbing the individual of his divinity; it’s separating him from life. Christianity has, at least in part, made people think of Evil as an autonomous force (an external deity), corrupting good souls and creating fear and panic. By avoiding seeing reality as a whole, Christianity perpetuates fear instead of confronting it. As I understand it, Satanists don’t invest belief in any gods (symbolic of human drives and instincts) because they see that these mind-made constructs are part of their own psyche. Satanists place themselves at the center of their own subjective universe without seeking to befriend or worship mythical entities that are separate from them.

It seems to me though, from studying astrology, that there’s no way to escape deity. In the effort to not have any god, to place the self at the center, as is characteristic of the Church of Satan, one is in fact aligning or siding with an archetype. It’s impossible not to. I think this is made quite obvious when using astrology and analyzing natal charts. The archetypal energies are expressing themselves through and as the individuals.

In fact, let’s take a look at the chart of the founder of the Church of Satan, Anton Szandor LaVey. I would expect him to have a strong Pluto because of the emphasis on embracing the carnal side and the spiritual dimension of it. There’s also a big emphasis on being whole (a solar principle) through recognizing the totality of life, facing the strength and power within oneself and using the necessary tools to improve one’s own life. This would include consciously using symbols and images (like the image of Satan) in order to get the desired effect. If symbols are given autonomous power it’s a problem only if it puts the individual in a disempowered position. Personal integrity and liberty is also of utmost importance, which sounds rather Aquarian to me. Let’s have a look.

The chart of Anton Szandor LaVey, as found on astrotheme.com.

The Sun is in Aries, which is not surprising considering his strong faith in individuality, his initiative to start a “new religion”, to provide a contrasting influence, to place himself at the “center”, to go by no other rules than his own, to welcome opposition, the desire to be his own master and a leader of his own life. Aries as a sign is strongly linked to the warrior archetype, of fighting for what one believes in without compromise, to claim authority in spirit, to conquer, to place subjectivity over objectivity (because there’s no real difference from the perspective of Aries). Selfishness is the basis for existence; it is through honoring the self that one can honor other people’s independence. Mars, which is the planetary ruler of Aries, is concerned with personal strength and potency (note; Mars is sometimes referred to as the lower octave of Pluto). It seems like LaVey lived on his own terms, relying on his own natural instincts and gifts to get by in life. This is all very typical of Aries people, to live of off a self-generated optimism and conviction of one’s own ability. “The rules don’t apply to me” is the overall sentiment – the rules originated somewhere and that which originates from my own self is no less valuable or divine, even if it’s raw, ugly or imperfect it is still of “The Self”, the force that animates existence.

To no surprise, Pluto makes a square aspect to his Sun. He would’ve lived with the threat of his own destructive rage, his own inner violence and uncompromising desire. To him, it was probably difficult to consciously accept this side (the square aspect always represents a conflict) but he certainly tried to acknowledge his “darkness” through founding the Church of Satan. A person with a trine aspect between Sun-Pluto would not have been as motivated or pressed to bridge the gap between the self and the primitive and taboo because there wouldn’t have been anything to bridge. The square relationships between two planets usually motivate the individual to try to solve dilemma of conflicting principles within the psyche through external work. Squares usually force work in a very concrete fashion. When a person is serious about something, and is trying to make something happen it’s usually indicative of a square aspect within the personal chart. For example, I have a Neptune square Mercury aspect. I try to read and write and educate myself to some kind of higher state, some transcendent and elevated experience because the connection is not smooth between these planets. I try to articulate things properly in order to bridge the gap between personal mind and the nuance of collective feeling. I try to reflect the essence or feeling tone of energies through my writing.

The interesting thing about LaVey is that he truly took on the appearance of a devil – he was probably aware of the power of looks, the impact that certain clothing or symbols have. He was undoubtedly theatrical. Pluto in the 5th house might have something to do with this, as it’s the house of individual expression. The 5th house is all about personal creation; it’s the realm of children and play. In a sense, he was no different from a child dressing up in costumes and playing “the dark one”, which is probably why people mocked him for it. Even when Pluto is in the 5th house it is never light-hearted, he is all in, ruthlessly determined. Pluto placed in this house takes play seriously. He takes personal expression seriously. His creations are his and he should be at the center of them. The individual should be credited for his abilities, not the other way around, just as the individual shouldn’t be appreciated because his gifts are “of the gods”. They belong as much to the individual as it does to the deities. This is certainly the spirit of Pluto. He answers to no other god than himself and he sees life as it is, in its most vile forms, without flinching. Life is in all expressions, in the primitive as well as in the sophisticated. This is, in many ways, a deeply honest way to live. Another thing that catches my attention is the bi-quintiles Pluto makes to the MC (public image) and the AC (personal image/persona). The bi-quintile aspect is generally considered to say something about a certain talent or style, a mercurial quality or skill. He truly has the style of Pluto, both in his countenance and in his societal achievements. He looks dark and mysterious, preoccupied with the occult side of life. Perhaps he even had a certain talent for “magic”, at least he claimed to.

Satanists believe in indulgence (which doesn’t imply compulsion) over abstinence, primarily because there’s no belief in heaven or an after life. The individual is placed at the center of his own universe as his own master – through and through. Although many people would agree that self-mastery is a good thing, many also tend promote, in the same vein, that “people make mistakes” and that they “should be forgiven”. As I understand it, Satanism as a philosophy would state that mistakes are only mistakes if the self-mastered individual firmly believes it to be so in complete honesty and integrity. Self-deceit is considered to be a sin, unless of course it’s done intentionally - it would then not be a sin. Going along with roles that other people have cast one in is self-deceit – that is, for example, shouldering the role as a “sinner” because other people have imposed that label or role onto you is not indicative of self-respect, it’s a betrayal of your own reality. Notably, LaVey has an Aquarius Ascendant, Lilith in Aquarius in the 1st house and Uranus widely conjunct his Sun (both in the independent sign of Aries). He is definitely not a person to follow the herd – in fact “Herd Conformity” is one of the Cardinal Sins in Satanism. He leads life through the principle of being his own godhead, his own intellectual genius, and his own unique and separate individual, detached from the norms and conventions enough to go against them if he pleases. Aquarius is a sign that considers the map of life in an intellectual sense. This sign is also the sign of the progressive individual, someone who wants to make a difference on a larger scale. He certainly did, through constructing a thought-system that could benefit people. It’s no wonder that the first of the Nine Cardinal Sins (as found on the official website) is Stupidity. Of course it would be to an Aquarius Rising! “Think for yourself; don’t go along with everything you’re told” is the plea.

[bogusavathepit]

Where, Oh Where, Did My Dream of Jasper Hale Go?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why did Jasper Hale have to be a Confederate? What point was Meyer trying to do with such information, especially when she refused to go into how Jasper might have related to the goals of the Southern states entering the Civil War?

In my mind, I have an image of Jasper that contrasts the Jasper Meyer presents. I worry how easy it is to admire the character and forget his narrative purpose as we also rewrite the original.

I could have waved my Jasper crush loud and proud, but was first forced to hide under shifty eyes and a troubled soul, then just acknowledge that Jasper was both a racist creation and a racist with no redemption arc. 

This is my lament. And the beginning of why/how I think Jasper’s existence in the series as a character and as a product/device for creative narration is racist in of itself.

After dropping such a bomb, Meyer proceeds to never address it ever again. Bad for several reasons:

From a narrative, story-building standpoint, you only add certain details to a character if we’re going to use that to add some sort of layer to their personality and actions. Jasper being a soldier is fine. Necessary for him to be swept up in Maria’s newborn wars and be chosen by her specifically for those wars. Jasper being an American, fine, cause the Cullens are in that country for most of their development and he had to easily meet Alice. (Even vampires usually keep close to their national origins). Jasper having run away from home to join the army? Fine. Edward was about to do the same and it was a thing young adult men did when wars were expected and more common. 

However, out of all the historical options (Union soldier, Mexican American war, any other South of U.S./post 18th century war), Meyer chooses one of the most unequivocally morally bankrupt positions to have in the course of human history). And after its revelation, we don’t get to know how even if Jasper believed in the subjugation of Black people under white men. Why did he join the Confederacy? If it was to allude to the brainwashing of poor whites by rich planters to get them to be more sympathetic to them instead of the Black folk-- who they practically had much more in common with--and Jasper was one of those very impressionable persons (young and wanting to prove himself. Was his family even poor? The lack of consideration?!!), then why not just show that instead of leaving such pertinent information? It could have made Jasper irredeemable even then...unless you also show how and if he ever changed his sentiments. 

Why are we given so much guesswork?! A fiction/fantasy writer tickles their readers’ fancies, not leave all the psychological and deep historical analyses to them to the point where they’re writing the story!!!

I shouldn’t be making your character for you. And you shouldn’t be pretending to give me something whole when only giving me half. There’s a difference between mystery, suggestiveness and just pretending that the things that everyone already knows exists (racism) don’t exist or don’t have a great weight in influencing people’s decisions and motivations. In Twilight and with the presence of Jasper, all it does is:

create a nonperson (who is Jasper other than an accessory/narrative tool for Edward and Bella’s relationship to survive the newborn invasion? And for Bella to finally get to “know” all the Cullens to prepare her entry?)

create a space for unconfronted or questioned feelings and ideas (Some readers’ first thought reading Jasper’s story--at least those not thinking enough about race: “I know something’s wrong here, but I can’t think of what and but now Jasper seems to have reformed, so I don’t care because I know he’s supposed to bad!”)

diminish the evil, extent, and dominance of white supremacy: ”ooh, look it’s possible that Jasper is to be a better person so I shouldn’t look at his position in racism too closely. Maybe racism isn’t all that bad, or it’s over [Jasper got over it], or maybe racism has an easy solution.”

Maybe one will argue that Meyer really wants us to dislike Jasper (because it’s so obvious that racism and the slave system was bad, stop being so dramatic) just so he provides a foil against Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett. Which is so boring and flat. And misguided. If we imagined Jasper as literally anything apart from the the Confederacy or any “cause“ that was less directly anti-black, then I wouldn’t be so hostile towards the guy. 

Literally, I think that Jasper would have been, if not a “perfect”, morally good person, then a cool mofo. Guy can take three vampires at once apparently, and he has got the scars to prove it! He also has a tormented but determined constancy that I can’t personally help myself swooning from. You could get all of that with any other war, because war is grisly and reveals how far people will go to have power over others, feel powerful, and/or defend themselves. The concessions they make, the sins they commit, and the psychological toll that comes with it all.

So the Confederacy? Why? Why!? 

For the cheap shock value and black-and-white thinking that will get us to think more about Edward x Bella, that’s why. And to avoid any more work/responsibility that comes with showing the repercussions of racism.

And it’s disgusting, because what’s left is racism unaddressed. And of looking deeper into Jasper’s personality and of how Jasper might still be racist and most likely still is.

And it robbed me of a possible, good time.

Fuck you Meyer.

[macyomoiji]

AOT FANFIC FANS, I’m callin on you for your input!

This is the first chapter to a story I’m writing and would appreciate your input and recommendations for making the first chapter better!

Either directly comment or msg, either way, I wanna know what doesn’t make sense/could be removed for a future chapter/needs rewording or better description/ what’s lacking etc.! So PLEASE HELP ME OUT!

Wattpad fanfic; Be My Light, Brat.

Chapter/Part 1: Lighten up

I was brought to the surface by my father Leon Smith. My mom never said why she didn't stay with him and chose to stay underground. She seldom ever mentioned the topic of our family. She only mentioned it a handful of time, the last was upon dying.

She said I looked like my dad calling us by the nicknames that I treat as a second name. Additionally, she informed me that the 'Big Sun' will find her 'Little Sun" soon. I wanted to know more so much more... about her, dad, my grandparents... to read the letters she kept at her bedside. I only read a couple pages as much as I could comprehend at such a young age. The last clear message was about my not being a tool of my lineage and her love for me.

Additionally, it wasn't until the year before she died that she told him about me in letters. Despite not never having met him, he was caring, a great teacher and patient.

Erwin is a lot like him. It's funny because Erwin's said the same about me reminding him of his dad, my uncle.

———

Alright I hate this.

The clip clop of horse hooves paired with pouring rain.

The combination of successful attacks and unsuccessful counters out in the tree training section. All together result in a symphony of grunts and groans of pain.

But my favorite sound is the zipping and zooming of ODM gear.

I don't know what it was that I expected of Win when I ever so energetically told him about the project I had been planning 

 Next to Commander Erwin, I strive to maintain balance and keep humanities future as bright as possible. However, just like him I can't not think in a utilitarian manner. 

The fact of the matter is, he's no more at fault for the casualties we've faced and continue to face, than myself. In order for us to live, we must be willing to fight; that also means you have to come to terms with the inevitable risk of death. The simple act of self defense is followed by the inevitable possibility of loosing that fight. On the other hand, we can sometimes find ourselves to be victims of circumstance.

Riddle me this; if a child were in danger, would you not hope for someone to step in or the child to be given something to offer at least a small chance at survival?

Would you not also be inclined to think; "If only there had been someone to step in and prevent this from happening." 

Either way you look at it, someone's life is at risk. Life itself is heaven and hell, light and dark, night and day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When necessary, I opt to temporarily transfer to other branches to observe and make note of any abnormal or suspicious behavior. My primary objective is to help others process through difficult matters or events with lasting impact. Because it's a paperwork heavy project. 

Commander Pyxis has no problem with it and is quite transparent with me. Commander Dok of the Military Police Brigade isn't nearly as cooperative and is honestly one of my least favorite people to interact with. Not to mention the attitude of superiority or entitlement that older members of that branch have. The younger members are either just as arrogant or driven by unethical means for selfish gain. Corrupted.

Although this project means I have to work with Keith Shadis regularly, It's going surprisingly well so far. Shadis is intense at times but he takes his role seriously. He's aware of how corrupt other branches can be and doesn't seem to think negatively of my previous assignment in other branches. So it goes without saying, i'm glad that he's willing to go along with pretending i'm another rookie of the 104th.

Erwin was on board before I got to the conclusion. I've done this for the past 3 years now. I have to split off from the cadets to attend to my other responsibilities as 2nd in command and at first I was unsure of being able to do so without being found out or having to divulge my real identity to the cadets. Or the possibility of overworking myself. So Erwin and I have been playing it by ear. I'm surprised I haven't been found out honestly. A lot of it is thanks to the other commanders and older members like Hange, Miche and Levi were on board with helping as much as they can.

Although it make me feel old and awkward at times... I'm getting what I wanted and am surprised at how pleasant the new recruits are. The reactions of the ones who join us ought to be amusing once I re introduce myself as 2nd Commanding Officer of the Survey Corps.

~~~~~~~~~

After the 46th expedition is when I mentioned to Erwin my interest in possibly monitoring emotional and behavioral health of new cadets and a few others. It was during lunch with a few other members of the Survey Corps. It's also probably the event that had an unexpected impact on me. It's what pushed me to be more expressive and vocal.

The conversation with Erwin started out with just him and I talking over my notes and other paperwork. There were a few other people in the room having lunch and enjoying the brief peace.

Erwin only had to ask 2 questions to incite the banter that was our discussion.

At one point, I criticized Wins previous approach at giving pep talks before battle. This caused him to surprisingly and unexpectedly bite back a little. But only for the sake of honest input, good conversation and constructive banter. I advised him not to bluntly address inevitable death but to magnify the importance of sacrifice.

"You have to emphasize the positive and...oh what was it?.. I wrote down a really good point after listening to one of your speeches and hearing various comments from soldiers around me at the time..." 

I flipped through a few pages of notes and pushed my hair behind my ear I absentmindedly made a face biting the inside of my cheek thoughtfully. I only need a few seconds to find a point. Or in this case, conclude that it's in another set of notes.

Mind you, growing up I made a point to tinker with things like weapons to find ways to make them unnoticeable. My tinkering has been rather effective and I became fairly good at doing so. So I've always gotten permission to modify my clothes to hide various tools or be more convenient. It's due to multiple instances of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, surrounded or robbed when I lived underground.

Fight or die. Outsmart or face undesired outcomes. I'm nowhere near as anxious as I used to be. That doesn't mean I don't still get the occasional panic attack or feel uncomfortable in large groups.

"Sorry Win, looks like it's in another set of files-"; looking up I realize the group that have stopped  around our table too listen. I had totally tuned out the sounds of chatter and their footsteps as they answered. 

Not until that mission with Hange, did I decide to overcome my fear of  social settings. Can you blame me? Growing up having to do whatever I could to survive to the extent that I presented myself as male rather than female until I was taught to fight for the life my mother gave me, to live it how I want. The life I had to defend to the extent of getting blood on my 7 year old hands...

I immediately looked back down to the papers I held. The increase in my heartrate kicking my senses into high gear to make note of how many are around me. I'm neglecting an important variable though. I'm currently fixated on the feeling of being surrounded and unprepared. 

Post traumatic stress...

Sheer panic.

In my split second of panic someone grabbed one of my wrist that had unconsciously gripped my sides. One hand on top of a strap that held a dagger concealed in one of the strap of my uniform. It was a gift from my dad. It's proven to be incredibly reliable. It's gotten me out of a lot of tough situations. 

'I'm just at base, why am I going for my dagger. There's no danger. I was just startled' I think to myself. Light embarrassment and some disappointment building due to my unnecessary and aggressive response. It doesn't help that I had my monthly nightmare the night before. The one wherein I'm forced to relive the events that lead to my white hair.

"Lighten up" was quietly said to me as someone grabbed my wrist while a cup of tea was put in front of me as Erwin kept my attention. I silently let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding.

"Huh to think it took years to get you to have a discussion with...anyone. And a damn good one at that Commander Sweet";  Erwin comments with a calm tone and making light of my sudden change in behavior. He's grown used to it. Thankfully it only happens once in a while. It's never hindered my ability to do my job or continue to present myself as the capable 2nd leader I am.

Looking back up to him I see his position has changed. With his chin sitting on the back of his hand, his expression is reassuring and pushing for self empowerment. One I see more and more often as time passes. An expression received to help me lower my heart rate and be calm. 

I let out a breath I had been holding.

"Sorry Commander, I'm sometimes unsure of my ideas and strategy planning skills." I sport a slightly embarrassed grin to play off any sign of greater disturbance. Absentmindedly touching my wrist and realizing it's no longer being held.

Then noticing the tea placed before me.

"No need to apologize" his tone is gentle despite how many under our command are around. Usually he reverts back to an authoritative tone. Now that I think of it, he doesn't change his behavior around me. But considering both our positions, it isn't questioned.

"I have a few things to attend to but we will have to talk further on a few things you mentioned Y/N. Now if you'll excuse me everyone, I have a few matters to attend to."

I nod with a faint smile as he leaves. Placing my attention back to the cup in front of me; The short verbal check, my wrist being stopped.

'My past and the memories that accompany it, will not be what shackles me in the present and future.

A thin layer of shame drapes over me as I lower my eyes to the scattered note pages on the table. The disappointment and shame I feel is hopefully not visible. Mrs. Sweet the woman who took on raising me after mom died, was well versed in abnormal behavior and emotional studies way back when I was still a sponge of a child. It's why I'm so keen to observe rather than speak. To read people. To feel what they feel or at very least to grasp the emotions they unintentionally divulge based off a laundry list of behaviors and physical cues, information that's ingrained in my mind 

"Tch" a click of the teeth and bored breath usually portraying exasperation.

I must have made a face whilst lost in thought.

"Drink your tea before it gets cold." Levi Ackerman. He's seated next to me also holding a cup of tea. I haven't treated him with half as much kindness behind this simple offering. Despite our brief past interactions, he's started to be less... unapproachable? Since he joined, our interactions mostly resembled that of sibling rivalry. 

What was it that changed his attitude towards me? He's so different now compared to when he first joined or even further back.

"Thank you", I murmur knowing he can hear.

This tea is familiar...

I open my eyes from my blind moment of appreciation whilst drinking tea and look into my cup.

But before I can comment on it my attention is stolen;

"I knew you were introverted but I never took you for bashful! And based on what you were talking about, it's much more obvious why you're second Commander." Hange Zoe head of Titan research plops down in the seat Erwin was just in.

"Thats not to say it wasn't obvious before! You're just not very vocal with others and are more often out the office." Hange explains matter-o-factly and loud enough to be heard by other membrs.

"We certainly wouldn't have as much to work with if you didn't agree to attend the meetings Commander Erwin prefers to skip." Levi unexpectedly ads. 

'I'll have to thank them both later. As much as it bugs me that others respect them more than myself, it's nice for them to verbalize some of what my role entails.' I think to myself with a small appreciative grin.

"Did I hear wrong, or did you just call the Commander 'Win' like some sort of nickname?" Oruo asks from the table behind me in a teasing tone. I cut him off as he tries to finish his sentence.

"You said I was bashful? How so?" I ask Hange before enjoying the tea with a incredibly familiar taste.

"How are you not Bashful?!" Hange responds

"Well let's see..." Holding the tea cup in one hand on the table and tapping my chin with the other. However, I'm surprised by Miche Zacharius who pulls up a chair next to me.

"I never would have guessed someone as scary with a sword as you, can be so cute and energetic. With a pretty voice too" He says jokingly with some a hint of flirtation...He seems harmless but he's closer than I'd like. 

Hearing Hange stifle a laugh, tells me I was unsuccessful in keeping a pokerface and am probably sporting one of annoyance and slight disgust.

"That's very kind of you to say. Scooting back would be wise though." I say calmly with expression before finishing my tea, causing Hange to burst into laughter with my comment.

"Awww I'm just trynna-" he starts with intention of getting closer.

"Test your luck? Because I wouldn't call making someone feel discomfort, friendly Zacharius." I state bluntly. "Especially when you have no idea how many blades or methods of self defense are on me at all times" I give my best attempt at a friendly wink. 

I was able to feel his breath the second he sat down and 10/10 hate the feeling. I've fought beside him multiple time but any chances to get on my good side he continues to squander. 

Thankfully he isn't as bad anymore and shows me the respect he does Erwin finally.

"Whatever" Miche grumbles while getting up from his seat and finding a new group to sit with.

I keep an amused grin to myself seeing the entertainment that short conversation has produced to more than just Hange.

"Also, 'whatever' is not an acceptable reply in the future. I'm opting to cut you a bit of slack due to ignorance."

Oruo seems to be inspecting my face. Upon noticing he diverts his attention, "I wouldn't be surprised if she was related to the Commander."

" Hange; I think paranoid, defensive and trauma sculpted is more accurate." I explain casually tapping my lips before re organizing my note pages.

"I simply don't like when people find it appropriate to get that close to me. Bad breath certainly doesn't help." I say the last part with a thoughtful expression while putting my notes away and grabbing my plate and cup. My comment causing a few snickers and chuckles aside from one grumbling unamused Miche. 

 "I will work towards being more vocal moving forward...To be clear though; despite my openly recognizing my own faults..." With a pause, I make certain of what it is I mean to say as I look over those who chose to listen, which is half the room. I continue as I stand up and grab my papers tapping my stack of with one fingers to line them up  

"I expect to be respected as you all do Commander Erwin." I say  giving a brief nod before heading to the kitchen making sure to pick up Levi's cup as well.

Once I've made sure the cups pass the white cloth test, I take a stab at guessing what cupboard he'd choose. It's the same as mine...I'm not surprised I'm also not fond of his moving my few belongings. It's not the first time or the the end of the world.

He's only a few inches taller than me...ironically there's a step stool tucked by the wall next to me.

Before putting the cups away I grab a fresh page of note paper and write a short 'Thank you' followed by my initials. Once the cups are next to his others on top of the folded thank you note. Then move on with my day.

Time really flies.