#tells me that we have NOT been looking at the story through the same lens.

[captainmera]

i never realised just how much tgb had changed how i thought about the characters (mostly vee) until yesterday when i was re-looking over my toh fan-art. You wrote them so well that i forgot that it wasnt all in the show. like how vee and gus weren't shown to being best friends, vee never got to be angry/shocked by hunter or just willow still holding a little grudge against amity. They are just cool details and im so clad they were added! ps your great

Thank you! Wow that's very flattering! I'm glad you are enjoying it!

I really like Vee, and the more I think about the gang's time in the human-realm, the more I sit back in my chair and think "Ah man, these arcs are really necessary and interesting though.."

Vee also holds a lot of plot, as a basilisk. We can speculate what the reason is that they were extinct, for example (grimwalkers were extinct too).

Wat I really enjoy about TOH's characters are how easily and smoothly they weave into each other's themes and arcs. Their personalities and histories makes them all perfect friends to both build them up and break them down. It's a chefs kiss.

Vee is no different! The set-up for her character was perfectly slotted in to what the other characters needed for their time in the human-realm. And the theme I think the human-realm was supposed to embody.

The demon-realm arc for Luz was a hero's journey, but because of the foil of the trope, and that the point was that: there is no hero/chosen one actually, and the rebels didn't make it in time like in the books, and just because it's a different realm it didn't mean Luz could escape - escapism is temporary.

Dana has said grief and hope are core elements of the story, and she chose to tell it through a foiled trope of being chosen/hero's journey, layered with a religious trauma lens.

To me, looking at Luz as the main character, means looking at her as a nerdy girl in need of escapism, wanting to find purpose, and avoiding her emotions about her dad's passing.

The return to human-realm would be, for Luz, a turning point where TOH turns from being about a hero's journey and a journey about the steps of grief and healing - at the end of it, she will find the light.

Vee, to me, is kind of like a new take on the guide character. She is not a guide, in the sense that she has all the answers, but rather all the truths.

She was right when she told Luz she had everything and still chose to run away. They're not the same. Vee is also a lot better than Luz at being normal and fitting in, something Luz has been playing off and avoiding facing. Luz sees herself as being different as a bad thing, she tried to run away to a place where "weird" was normal and that didn't work out. Now she's back home and feels that it's all her fault bad things happened, because she is herself. And the person she is is different. And different didn't mean special, just different. Of course she's depressed.

The same is true for all the other characters. Vee gets to reflect their truths too, simply by being crafted, narratively, into being the guide.

Hunter gets to face his actions as the GG, come to terms with the nuances of his bad actions, whatever reason he committed what he did. Find forgiveness not just from Vee but himself too. He gets to start over, just like her. She shows him it's possible.

Gus gets someone to share his dream with, his love and enthusiasm for the human realm. A place that Vee feels is more home than where she came from. Gus gets to grow as a person, both morally and intelligently. As does Vee, she gets somebody who shows her that she doesn't just have to be a refugee, she can have a purpose here. She can be an ambassador.

Willow was set up to have an arc where she mistook her newfound magical and physical strengths (she is working out a lot in canon after she changed track), for inner strengths. Willow is a sensitive girl, and a bit of a berserk (I mean she was willing to burn her own mind just to hurt Amity). Willow having to face Vee, who isn't physically stronger than her but is significantly further down the road of being internally strong, is something Willow can learn from. Perhaps even have conflict with! (but more so a conflict with herself than with Vee, really.)

With Amity, Vee has a simpler role. I think to Amity it's more so showing that it's possible to live in the human realm, and giving her hope that going back and forth is a future for everyone who wishes to do so. Creatively speaking, I think Amity and Vee more so to bounce off one another for the plot, rather than character growth or decline.

Camila, I think, is the most interesting. Because she has now spent approximately a year with Vee, half of it thinking she was Luz and having feelings about her daughter having changed so much, the line "I'm glad youre still creative" comes to mind. As well as the terror of losing Luz again. But also, because she has had her own unseen arc and development with Vee, and them having bonded into a foster family that we never got to see glimpses of, it goes without saying that Camila has already done the internal work to take on more kids if that's necessary. I think she saw these kids by her door and thought "yep. They're mine now too." Vee, I think, is interesting to toss into the family dynamic between Luz and Camila, who seemingly are misunderstanding one another significantly. Vee sees them both, and can be a voice of reason when it comes to it. Or if it would come to it.

ANYWAY MY RANTS ARE LONG. IM DONE. THANKS FOR READING.

[hiiragi7]

Purple and Yellow-Colored Transness - An Intersex Trans View of Transition

It is strongly my opinion that an intersex lens is fundamentally necessary to understand transness, as much as race, disability, class, & culture is.

Yet, much of the time, when intersex is applied to transness it is used as a fetishization - and use without consent of the used is abuse. (Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic)

Our perisex trans siblings so often use us as a tool for pornography, as an object to shove insecurities and pain and desire onto, as a temporary escape from dysphoria and thought, as an imagined excuse to supposedly avoid oppression. Afterwards, we are discarded, much like an object that has fulfilled its purpose.

Intersex people do not exist for the purpose of abuse, incestual or otherwise. Intersex is power, intersex is love, intersex is experience.

As a group so deeply harmed and betrayed by our perisex trans siblings, it is no wonder why so many of us reject any lens which suggests there is intersexuality to be found in transness - I doubt that many of us have ever seen what it may look like outside of as an abuse of our bodies, our identities.

And yet, I cannot help but feel that there is an inherent intersexness to be found in transness. Rather than rejecting this, erasing this, I feel it is absolutely necessary to embrace without conflating or fetishizing this. This is not to say, however, that we are one in the same; in fact, within our differences is where I find a lot of our power lies. It is our ability to share experiences without using one another which is vital.

I struggle with this feeling, knowing so much more work must be done, knowing it cannot be fully expressed yet.

When my trans sibling is excited over newly developing traits we now both share, I would love to partake in that joy not only as trans joy but a joy of intersex traits as well. When sex characteristics I have been shamed for my entire life for having naturally becomes something which another person not only seeks out but actively falls in love with as it happens, is this truly only trans love? Is it not also an intersex love?

And yet, at the same time, I find myself choosing my words carefully; I fear they will be stolen from me, used as a weapon against myself and my community. We are still made so fetishized, so invisible, so abused, even amongst siblings. Because of this, I fear the answer to my question is that we are not yet at a point where trans love is an intersex love, but rather what I am seeing is a trans love of traits detached from any intersexuality at all. Even in cases where our bodies may look so similar, you don't see all of me - You only know me as trans, never intersex. You only know my variant sex characteristics as something possible through transition or pornography, and have erased any mention of me in them.

I see my trans self reflected in my intersex self, and my intersex self reflected in my trans self. My body no longer produces its own hormones; I get mine from a clinic that provides gender affirming care for trans people, the same place where just two days ago I had to spend time educating a nurse who learned the word intersex for the first time that day because of me. The surgeries which I both have gotten and will get in the future are both as trans as they are intersex. The letters from my doctors to appease insurance say I am transitioning and that this is a requirement for treatment of gender dysphoria, some of my medical papers say I am intersex and seeking a urethral reconstruction. Both of these hold truth to them.

There are intersex people and trans people who share scars in the exact same places, from procedures which were similar, but were done for different reasons. One grieves where the other celebrates. One tells a story of their identity being stolen from them, one tells a story of finally being able to be themselves. In some cases, both of these are the same people at different points in time in their life.

[dilemmaontwolegs]

For a snapshot imagine a driver accidentally hurting the reader and she has to hide it from Danny because he would lose his shit. He gets worried but a bit angry that she’s lying the cause of it. Once he finds out he wants to kill the other driver because is a severe injury

The Taste of Temptation || DR3 {4}

WC: 1.6k F1 Masterlist Story: One || Two || Three || Four || Five Snapshots One || Two || Three || Four || Five

You settled into the driver’s seat of an Aston Martin used for hot laps, keeping your arms out of the way while you were harnessed in. Lando and Oscar doing the same in the other two cars parked beside you, except they didn’t need the extra help to be buckled in. “I’m telling you now, this is a bad idea. I want that on the record. There’s a reason I’m a passenger princess.”

“You’ll be fine,” Lando promised over the headset and you fiddled with the dozens of buttons on the steering console. “Just don’t touch anything!”

“You should have told me that before.” The cameraman sat beside you laughed nervously and you narrowed your eyes at the lens. “If I die, I want you to remember this: I told you so.”

You muttered under your breath that you were not paid enough for the crap your employer put you through but it only made Oscar and Lando laugh as the microphone picked it all up. 

“Okay, we’ll start off with a warm up lap, just take it slow and get used to the car,” Oscar said as Lando led the way onto the track. “I’ll follow so you don't get lost.”

“It’s a flippin circle, Piastri, how often do you get lost?”

The car shot forward, throwing you and the cameraman back into your seats as you pressed the accelerator and out of reflex you slammed your foot on the brake to counter the effect. Oooph! The air was squeezed from your lungs as the car stopped but your body kept going forward, the harness like a wall hitting your chest. 

“I think you’ve put it in race mode. Turn it to sport mode.”

You scanned the buttons and saw what he meant, making the adjustment before tentatively touching the accelerator, gently speeding up to 70mph.

“I know we said take it slow but you can speed up a little bit,” Oscar teased as he tailgated you, Lando nowhere to be found up ahead.

“You do realise I am not actually a racer? I just date one.”

“Danny must have taught you something in the last two years.”

“Yeah,” Lando interrupted with a giggle. “But from what I heard, it isn’t anything to do with racing.”

You might have laughed if you weren’t concentrating so hard on following the track, until something caught your eye. “Uh, Oscar, are there wombats in Canada?”

“No…that’s a groundhog.”

Another brown ball of fur charged across the track and you screamed as you slammed on the brakes, not wanting to hit the poor animal. Oscar hadn’t expected you to brake so suddenly, or try to swerve aside. There was nothing you or he could do when you started to spin out, straight into the space his car was aiming for.

“Shit, shit, is she okay? Is she okay?” 

You could hear the panic in Oscar’s voice as he tried to push his way through the crowd of first responders trying to open your door. Pain radiated down your arm but other than that you seemed to be in one piece, except the world was upside down. “I told you so.”

“What the hell happened!” Lando exclaimed as he arrived at the crash site in time to see you escorted into the back of the medics van. “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

“Not particularly,” you murmured around the tube you bit between your teeth. You sucked in another deep breath of pain relief as your arm was jostled and looked up to see Lando shaking his head.

“Not you,” he said as he looked at Oscar’s pale face. “Daniel’s going to kill you, mate.”

“No, he’s not,” you huffed as you got off the stretcher you had been guided to. “I’m fine so he’s never going to know.”

“You see those,” Lando stabbed a thumb over his shoulder. “Those are cameras, they record things, pictures, sounds. Yeah, he’s gonna know.”

“I know what a camera is, a heavy one just fucking hit me.” You cradled your arm to your chest and took a calming breath. “This wasn’t live so it’s going to be a few weeks before this even gets uploaded. By then I’ll be fine and we can all have a laugh about it, alright. I just need to make sure Danny doesn’t hear about it before then.”

“Kind of hard when you need to go to the medical centre.”

“Then I won’t go.”

So you didn’t.

You did however accept the box of pain relief and advice to see a doctor if the pain persisted or you showed any signs of a concussion. You weren’t worried so much about that since the helmet had protected your head, it was just your arm that took the brunt of a camera smashing into it.

Daniel was surprised to see you already in the hotel room when he arrived from his meeting. Usually you stayed at the paddock later in preparation for the upcoming races but he was happy to have a few extra hours alone with you.

Leaning across the back of the couch, he greeted you with a kiss but you pulled away as his palms trailed down your body. His touch had been soft but you had still felt the burst of pain in your arm and you were glad to be wearing a long sleeve shirt to hide the bruised skin.

He frowned at the distance you had put between your bodies and he was instantly on edge. “What’s wrong, kitten?”

“Nothing, I’m just not feeling very good.”

He grabbed his phone and opened the app that monitored your monthly cycle before closing it with a frown. “Should I call for a doctor? Do you have a fever?”

He reached for your forehead but as his hand lifted it brushed against your arm and your face pinched as a pained cry hissed through your teeth.

“What happened?” he asked with barely restrained rage, his fingers desperate to touch you but unsure if it was going to cause you more pain. Tears were already welling in your eyes as you tried to keep the ruse up, but it was becoming unbearable.

“There was an accident,” you admitted as the wet streaks ran down your cheeks. “I didn’t want you to worry…”

“You’re hurt, kitten, of course I’m going to fucking worry.” He swiped the room key back up from where he had tossed it along with his phone and keys. “Come on. We’re going to the hospital. Now.”

You knew he was fuming from the clipped tone and the white knuckle grip he had on his keys. Reaching out with your good hand, you laced your fingers with his and whimpered into his chest. “I’m sorry.”

Daniel gently wiped the tears from your cheeks before kissing your forehead with a shaky breath. “I’m not angry at you, love, but don’t you ever lie to me again, not when it comes to your health.”

You nodded meekly before he reached for the door handle where he paused. “Lando or Oscar?”

“What?”

“You were filming with McLaren today.” He looked back at you, scanning your face for the truth. “Who do I blame?”

“It was an accident. Please, Danny, can we just go? It's so sore.”

His eyes softened at the admission and he twisted the handle but you knew the conversation wasn’t finished, merely delayed.

“He broke her fucking arm!”

The wince had nothing to do with the doctor setting the cast on your arm and everything to do with Daniel’s voice out in the corridor. He had been on the phone the instant the X-ray came back and showed a clear fracture down the bone. Now you were going to have a bulky accessory on your arm for the next six weeks.

“You’re lucky it was only her arm or I’d be on my way to jail by now,” he growled as he pushed the door open and shoved his phone back in his pocket.

“It was an-” you fell silent under the glare you knew wasn’t actually directed at you. He hated to see you hurt and hated he hadn’t been able to prevent it. It left his hands trembling with rage.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” he muttered as he fell into the chair beside your bed and lifted your good hand to his lips. “Stupid fucking little videos...promise me no more.”

“But it’s my job.”

“Then quit,” he offered, like it was the simplest option in the world. “It’s not like you need it, I take care of you already, and I like taking care of you.”

“Danny…” you sighed, unsure how to approach the situation. “What if we ever broke up?”

“Is that in your plans?”

“No, but-”

“Good, because I plan on keeping you forever, and I’m more than happy to make that official. Obviously this is just a placeholder until we get home.” He started to pull the ring he wore on his pinky finger. “What? I’m terrible at losing shit, I wasn’t going to carry around your engagement ring until I found the right time to propose to you.”

You chuckled as he waited for your hand to unfurl from the fist it was in. “And you decided this was the right time?”

“I could have lost you today, kitten, I’m not going to waste another moment.” Your hand uncurled and the warm metal slid onto your ring finger before he kissed it and leaned in to kiss you too. “You’re mine, always.”

“Always,” you promised against his lips.

“Perfect, if we elope today I’ll get conjugal visits when I kill Oscar.”

Click here for part five

[silvergreenseraphim]

The First Soldier’s/Glenn Lodbrok’s Relevance In Rebirth

—

Time for translations regarding the Glenn Lodbrok subplot in Rebirth.

Note: Once again, if anyone spots errors in my translations, please let me know!

Hello everyone! It’s been some time. Rebirth was amazing and Ever Crisis has been such a thrill to see unfold shortly after with so much new lore.

As it turns out, Mr. Glenn was very important! Our mystery hooded man was him all along.

Or was he? 🤭

This is an interesting side story in Rebirth that I can’t stop focusing on. The translations have been helpful. The Ultimania as well. I will reference both for this post.

For right now, a mix of these sources and the hints in the game all imply that it was Sephiroth revealing his will through one of the black-robed men. This would not be the first time he relied on “a vision represented by the cloaked figures.”

These extensions and visions of Sephiroth “stem from the will and conscience of Sephiroth that is at play here.”

He uses this ability to torment Cloud in Remake. In Rebirth, we can see him extending that power towards Rufus Shinra too.

Some debate this point, but let us take a look at Glenn’s introduction to Rufus where a very strange interaction occurs.

Tseng introduces “Glenn” to Rufus in Junon here:

“A messenger of Governor Suhur (Sufur) of Wutai would like to visit. Colonel Glenn Lodbrok.”

Rufus is startled, but lets the messenger in. We see what appears as Glenn Lodbrok. He is older than he looks in Ever Crisis and worn down. He also does not seem to wear much besides his heavy black cloak. Rufus sits up quickly with a surprised look. He is hit with a memory of shooting this same man in the back. Notably, the Glenn from the flashback features his Wutai garb and face. He is the Glenn of Ever Crisis.

Rufus: You’re alive?

Glenn: Most certainly dead.

Ultimania translation below:

When Rufus questions Glenn’s survival, the latter has a fit of laughter and responds with the evident truth. He is dead. Rufus can only presume this to be a joke, but the Ultimania questions this bit of humor.

Looking at this through the lens of it being Sephiroth’s will in front of Rufus, we could chuckle at his honesty. He tells Rufus the truth from the moment they meet.

But that can wait! Onto business:

“Glenn” begins to speak on the matters of Wutai and Shinra. I must note that the Japanese VA’s performance is perfect. This is not the rugged and brash Glenn of Ever Crisis. He is a theatrical announcer and speaks to Rufus as though they are planning a grand show.

He says,

“Now, President Rufus. I assume you will be taking over the vision that my Governor and the President shared?”

Rufus responds, “I intend to.”

And here are Glenn’s plans to set the stage. He gestures with flair.

“The theme of this next era will be the war over Huge Materia. Shinra and Wutai maintain tensions as through repeating clashes in various places.”

An acknowledgement of the pointless war of Wutai and Shinra, but Rufus has other plans.

“That’s fine for a while. However, the president died…and the situation has changed. We need a new vision.”

At this, Glenn sneers,

“You still love (drawing your visions), Bocchan (young master). Do you still believe in the Promised Land?”

Glenn is saying that Rufus prefers to run his own show, craft his own visions. He knows Rufus long and well for a defective colonel of Wutai.

Side note:

The term “bocchan” is explained here. In the context with Rufus, it is used to refer to a rich young master.

Glenn continues,

“Shinra’s father and son only think about pumping up Mako. If you don’t return it once in a while, the planet will die.”

Glenn returns focus to the war between Wutai and Shinra, along with its benefits. He says,

“The rage, sadness and hatred that war brings forth will spark the ultimate sense of solidarity and optimism. This spirit inspires the world, enriching the planet…”

I cannot say strongly enough that the ways that Glenn moves and his VA speak feel like direct mockery of how Shinra plots their political movements. Nothing is real or sincere. War is a show and tool that is used to create unity. Shinra and Wutai are actors on a stage that battle for audience favor.

All of the pain that war brings will cause people to rise up in unity together! This spirit of solidarity will enrich the planet’s life. Rufus looks uncertain and nearly bewildered in this scene, as if he cannot tell if Glenn is serious.

“It’s for the future of the planet. Let’s take this step before calamity.”

Glenn declares this with zeal, but Rufus protests.

“But—”

Glenn cuts him off.

“You started this. You’re not a kid anymore. You can’t just stop whatever you want.”

This line is difficult to translate with the correct nuance, but Glenn is saying that Rufus must grow up and face the consequences of the events he sets in motion. He cannot stop them because he feels like it. Glenn’s VA also loses his care-free charm for a moment. There is a dark, aggressive and dangerous tone here that betrays the deeper anger in these words.

That venom disappears after some silence and Glenn returns to his theatrics.

“Let’s deliver justice together.”

Before he leaves the room, Glenn turns with a mocking bow and congratulatory message.

“Aahh, I almost forgot about the message from Governor Sufur! Congratulations on your appointment as president! I wish you increasing growth!”

Glenn laughs at the transparent joke about Rufus being honored by a man of the same name spelt backwards and exits the room. Rufus is left feeling upset and humiliated.

——

This next scene I would like to include a video clip of because there are more hints about Glenn’s true identity here.

“(Your) dreams are still cute.”

Glenn sneers and laughs at Rufus for dreaming of the Promised Land. Rufus begins to see that “Glenn” is not what he seems. A figure wreathed in purple haze and darkness that appears from nowhere.

“What/who the hell are you?“

Glenn mock-pouts as though he is offended Rufus does not trust or know who he is.

“Don’t say it like that! (Don’t say mean things). I can see everything inside your head, Mr. President. You’re scared of me?”

With this, “Glenn” leans forward as if to peer inside the mind of Rufus. He points at what he detects.

“Uh oh, I can still see it! What’s that?”

“Glenn” lists the weaknesses inside Rufus.

“Fear, hatred, an inferiority complex in relation to your father….and the loneliness behind it all…”

“I won’t deny it. It’s all my driving force.”

Rufus is honest about his negative feelings and admits they are what motivate him. Glenn is pleased with this. After all, he had earlier mentioned how the painful spirit of war would strengthen the planet.

He says,

“Hey, that’s good! The planet needs a little bit of that bite right now. Enliven it with that power.”

Rufus is baffled and mutters to himself,

“Do you care about me that much?“

He can only wonder why this figure wants and needs to stir up his driving emotions so much.

——

(I have skipped Glenn’s TV speech because the dialogue was basically the same).

In our last scene, Rufus remembers his father and finally admits that the man was masterful.

“You were…amazing…”

Rufus is not alone. “Glenn” once again appears at his side. To Rufus’ statement he responds,

Me?

But no, “Ha. How could that be?”

More mockery. Moving on,

“So, you know Governor Suhur? (Sufur). He neglected an important press conference and we were humiliated.”

Rufus is cold and responds,

“The Governor will not stand on such a poor set.”

“Glenn” is annoyed.

“I see. Growing up a rich kid must be so difficult. Well, hey, it worked. The anti-Shinra warriors are on the move.”

Rufus has had enough. He ignores the theatrics and says something astute and strange.

“Hey Glenn…isn’t this war a toy/plaything to keep me away from Sephiroth?”

I still must praise Rufus for his intelligence, but…I do not know why he would assume Glenn was trying to aid and distract Shinra from Sephiroth. This bit is a mystery.

“Glenn” begins to clap proudly. He says,

“I was sure you’d find out.”

And then we see him. The true culprit and architect.

The voices of Sephiroth and Glenn meld together,

“But it’s already happening. Our “promised land” will be born. Good for you. You’ve surpassed your father.”

Sephiroth even sneers now about Rufus completing the dream of his father. The father he hated. Rufus stands his ground.

“I want the real thing.”

(A sentence with double meaning. He wants the real Promised Land. Not a fake. Just like how Sephiroth is playing a fake Glenn).

Sephiroth morphs back into Glenn and only says,

“Oh, don’t you think it’s fitting?”

When Rufus shoots “Glenn” in the back, history repeats. Sephiroth turns back one more time and uses the now-clear black robed man to get in the last word through Glenn’s voice.

“As good at shooting people in the back as always.”

Rufus empties his gun into the ghost.

Extra details from the Ultimania on the scene:

—

Dialogue from the Shinra board meeting scene on Glenn:

Scarlet: Then what about that Glenn-whatever?

Tseng: Glenn Lodbrok. 15 years ago, he participated in a geological survey on Rhadore. He left the army after the mission failed. 

Heidegger: Hmph, he has the air of a deserter. He’s spewing out lies!

Tseng: After, he traveled to various places. He seems to have made connections with people with anti-Shinra ideology around the country. 

———

There we are! After the conclusion of The First Soldier’s episode 1 arc, we now know what caused Glenn to defect. The death of Rosen and the Rhadorans was a crime against humanity too great for Glenn to ignore. He became an anti-Shinra warrior and politician. But how did he first meet “Sufur” and when did this same person (Rufus) shoot Glenn dead?

There are questions here we do not have answered. However, Sephiroth is a voice that provides a bitter commentary on what happened. Through Glenn he relentlessly mocks Rufus. Even in the Japanese translation. He succeeds in posing as Glenn and starting fresh fires between Wutai and Shinra to stir up the planet’s energy.

And on top of that there is a personal undertone to how Sephiroth behaves around Rufus. He mocks Rufus on a level equal to how he torments Cloud. It’s all very interesting.

I will share more analysis at another time!

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Ash Walker: Part 1

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)

“Now that we’re all here it’s time I tell you what the job is.”

Hemlock kicked the holographic table and it buzzed into life, the projection lighting up the room in a soft blue glow. Six pairs of eyes turned to look at the projection as Hemlock pointed to the slowly turning image of a world.

“This is Thescara III-“ he began before being immediately cut off.

“Frak this shit.” One of the onlookers declared. “I’m not sitting one foot on that cursed world. You drop me off on the nearest barren moon.”

“What’s wrong with Thescara III?” another onlooker asked.

Septh looked at Hemlock and scoffed. “No wonder you wanted a new crew of fresh pups, for no seasoned salvager would join up with you.”

“You going to answer my question old man, or are you just keep ignoring me?”

Septh looked at the Fling then back at Hemlock with a hard stare. Hemlock paused and took a look around the room at his new crew. There was the Theosian called Tug standing in the back. He wore his ceremonial metal armor that was crafted to his flesh upon birth and was the muscle of the group.

The Guppin Fling was sitting in front of Tug with all four of his legs crossed. They were the youngest of the group and were it not for his hacking skills he’d not be here at all. Hemlock saw a lot of himself in the Guppin but was worried his enthusiasm would make him careless.

Opposite them were the triplets Nok, Uma, and Rue. None of them were particularly good with any skillset, but Hemlock needed the extra hands for lugging things and they came cheap. In truth he still didn't know which was which so he’d just shout a name and tell them to do something.

Last was Septh; the only one he’d used for multiple jobs. He was an old hand at the salvage game and was understandably not happy about being kept in the dark until the last moment.

“Thescara III was originally a human world until their war with the Jen. Rather than engage the humans on the surface where they knew the humans had the advantage they dropped a couple thousand low yield nuclear bombs across the entire surface reducing it to perpetual nuclear winter.”

“Cowards.”

Hemlock turned to see Tug adjusting himself against the wall and send a small tremor through the decking before spitting a gob of something black on to the floor and continued talking.

“True warriors face their foes face to face; not through the lens of a computer monitor.”

“If you knew what humans can do with a sharpened stick you might think twice.”

The triplets snickered at this but went silent when Tug shot them a sidelong glance.

“None of this matters, save for the fact there is over seven million credits locked away in the capital branch bank of Universal Credit that is just sitting there waiting to be nabbed.”

The mention of loot drew everyone’s attention. That many credits were enough to buy decent chunk of a moon, or live a life of luxury on a paradise world for seven lifetimes.

 “It’s just been sitting there; this entire time?” one of the triplets asked. “How do we know the credits are still there?”

Gods they even sound the same, Hemlock thought.

“’The planet has been an ecological nightmare ever since the bombs went off. You can only stay on the surface for a short period of time before the radiation levels kill you. Couple that with the vault’s combination randomly rotating itself every hour it’s made it impossible to crack it before the radiation bakes you.”

“If that’s true then what chance do we have?” Septh interrupted.

In response Hemlock reached into his pocket and pulled out a gold disc.

“Because we aren’t going to need to crack the vault with this little ticket here.” Hemlock smiled. “As this little dingy is a corporate level security key, which can open any UC vault automatically.”

The triplets and Fling whistled in amazement, and with good reason. Those types of security keys were only given to executive level personnel and the loss of one would trigger an immediate reaction force to retrieve it.

“Do I want to know how you got that?” Septh asked.

Hemlock shrugged. “I’m borrowing it from a certain partner who will remain nameless for now.”

He pointed back to the hologram and grinned. “Now, time to plan our payday.” ---------------------------

Parting through the dense cloud coverage, Hemlock kept a constant eye on the retro rockets to match the ever changing wind patterns. He had flown through hurricanes and gale force winds that could cleave metal like paper, yet Thescara III was proving to be an entirely different beast.

Not only was the planet covered in a near perpetual cloud cover that dispensed ash but the sheer amount of nuclear bombs that had been dropped had also changed the planet’s equilibrium. Wind direction changed in intensity and direction by the minute, air pockets were abound like it was a minefield, and that wasn’t even getting into the random lightning strikes that could short out the entire ship if one struck home.

“I told you this planet was-“ Septh began before another air pocket the ship and the ship dropped suddenly.

Hemlock grinned at his good fortune and once more adjusted a series of dials. It took a few moments to pass through the last bit of turbulence and finally get below the cloud cover.

“Welcome to Thescara III everyone.” Hemlock said as the planet’s surface finally came into view.

As far as his eyes could see the entire planet was covered in layer upon layer of grey ash. Spires of city skyscrapers loomed up out of the ground like the skeleton fingers of gods, their shadows casting long across the ruins of a dead city.

After a few moments of circling Hemlock found the ideal landing site and brought the ship down. From the city records he was able to obtain the opening was once a large park at the heart of the capital city and only a few city blocks away from their target.

With a loud thud the support legs touched down on the surface and the engines began slowly powering down. Hemlock was already unbuckling harness and making for the cargo hold. Septh was in lock step behind him as the pair entered the hold to find the rest of the crew already suiting up.

Tug still had his armor on but had donned an atmospheric helmet. Hemlock could see the faint green glow of targeting feeds displaying on the inside of the helmet as the warrior performed basic systems checks. The triplets were gathering around hauler making final checks. They wore standard atmospheric suits with different colors for distinction as they circled the hauler. It was an anti-grav model with several large cases stacked on the back which the crew would fill with credits.

Hemlock was crazy enough to take this risk but not stupid enough to think he or his crew could haul seven million credits back without transport so the triplets were to be glued to the thing the entire time.

Fling was the last of the group off to the side that Hemlock found. He was struggling to attach the gloves of his suit when he approached and helped him.

“So if we have a key to the vault,” Fling began as he nodded thanks to Hemlock for the glove assist, “why exactly do you need me?”

“If the key fails you’re the contingency.” Hemlock said plainly. “I always hedge my bets, and I always have a plan B.”

Fling smirked. “I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted for being plan A.”

Hemlock didn’t reply as he finished checking the rest of Fling’s suit and stepping back as Septh approached. He casually flung a spare helmet to Hemlock who caught it midair and donned it with ease.

“Listen up everyone,” he began as he spoke over the shared com network, “we have three hours to get in and out before the next radiation wave sweeps through here.”

Slapping the release button on the side of the hull sirens began blaring and the boarding ramp slowly cracked open and lowered down to the surface. A fresh blizzard of ash slowly began sweeping into the hold as the crew hopped onboard the hauler.

“Keep in coms range, keep an eye on your radiation meters, and for frak’s sake do not go wandering off.” Hemlock broke off checking on his crew to look down the boarding ramp as it fully opened. “This is not a world you want to be alone on.”

With his instructions delivered he slapped the top of the hauler’s cab and the triplets drove the vehicle forward. No sooner had the hauler reached the bottom of the ramp did Hemlock realize something was wrong.

“Is that what I think it is?”

Hemlock turned to see Fling looking off to the left of the boarding ramp and followed his gaze. His eyes went wide as he saw the outline of a Nebula B class freighter parked right next to his ship.

From the cockpit he had assumed it was another mound of ash, but now looking up at it from the ground he could see the underside of the ship clear as day. It’s boarding ramp was likewise lowered but now was coated in several layers of ash.

“Competition?” Tug asked as he hefted his power rifle. Septh shook his head in response as his eyes went over the freighter.

“This thing’s been here a while now.” He answered. Tug looked at him then back at the silent freighter. “How can you tell?” he asked.

“Nebula B’s are notorious for their engines never fully shutting down and always making a low rumbling sound.” Septh said as he put a hand to his ear. “For it to be silent it must have burned through its fuel reserves, and those can last about two-three years.”

“That’s not the half of it.”

Hemlock turned to see Tug nodding in the opposite direction to see a row of other spaceships lining alongside theirs like a giant parking lot.

“What the hell is this…” One of the triplets said from the hauler cabin. “Where are all their crews? Why’d they leave their ships out like this?”

“It’s-“ Septh began but Hemlock cut him off.

“Shut it.” Hemlock barked. He pointed down the road lined with ash covered vehicles. “We’ve got three hours and we don’t have time to waste!”

The crew looked amongst themselves before the hauler lurched forward again.

[foursaints]

ok the topic of barty crouch jr and the bone motif came up, but his specific phrasing here is what really sticks in my brain & is the basis of my stance on barty’s story as an allegory for bodily autonomy. yes there is something obviously satisfying in a character who spent 12 years under imperius, his body used a puppet, choosing to murder his abuser through transfiguration rather than a more conventional method like the killing curse. this is the only instance of death-by-transfiguration in the series. but i think the way he phrases this (became a bone, not ‘turned into’) belies a deeper understanding of barty’s relationship to having a body in general.

barty crouch being denied bodily autonomy goes far deeper than the imperius curse. i see it as sort of a haunting refrain that characterizes his entire life actually. he goes from servitude, to imprisonment, to switching bodies with his mother, to the imperius curse (kept under an invisibility cloak— he can’t even see himself), to the polyjuice potion, to that ironic “death” by the dementor’s kiss; his body goes on without his soul. it’s worth noting that the only time barty appears on-page as himself his body is controlled (yet again!) and forced to speak under veristaserum. do you think there was a strange comfort in that, for him? i just mean that he’s never known anything else.

i want to look at this through a hypochondriacal lens, where the experience of having a body (or being embodied) is a contestatory relationship wherein the mind strives for order/structure/immutability but the body is inescapable— it brings disorder, change, and a continual loss of control. the body is both fundamentally unknowable and hurtling towards death and illness: the hypochondriac seeks to rationalize & control this, but it’s ultimately an exercise in futility. i see these anxieties really present in barty crouch jr’s character: someone whose body has been puppeted or transformed into a different shape more than it has actually been his own.

i’m not saying that barty IS a hypochondriac (he’s not), but that his character arc functions inside the same epistemological framework: one where the unruly body is a prison because of how it’s subject to/harbinger of continual change. but this relies on a really clear division of the body and mind as separate entities. or even, like, a division between the body and this more ephemeral idea of “the self”— a soul that resides in the body but is somehow separate from it (and we know the soul is canon in the world of harry potter). barty crouch collapses this dichtonomy in a really interesting way with his statement: his father became a bone. as in, he is no longer himself and he is just that bone now. barty is introducing the idea that the soul doesn’t really matter or even exist, and that once your body takes the shape of something you fundamentally are that thing, for better or worse.

and i don’t know! this strikes me, especially coming from a man who has lived twelve years as an empty vessel— why would he believe in a soul if his has been erased and overwritten so many times? his own sense of self is too stifled and warped and stunted. this is the same character who was able to embody moody so fully and convincingly that it was impossible for even dumbledore to tell the difference. i think this was possible because of barty’s weird relationship to embodiment, where his actual “self” is hazy and loosely defined— perhaps the result of so many years having it denied, stifled, or unable to develop— but he becomes whatever shape his body is taking. (it’s interesting to note, too, that barty didn’t say that he transfigured his father. rather, he “transfigured [his father’s] body”, and this was enough for his identity to dissipate and him to become something else). to barty, the “self” is not an independent entity that is subject to the body’s change and disorder— his “self” is the very body itself, and all the fear, and change, and loss of control that comes with it.

this is why the ending with the dementor’s kiss gets me so bad. if the body is all he really is, then this fate is the perfect closure. barty is finally reduced to all he has ever been: erased. an empty vessel. just the image of himself, with nothing inside it. what’s really changed?

[nikethestatue]

Moriel--A Cautionary Tale

Let me tell you a little story.

Before ACOWAR was released, there was a group of pretty serious shippers, who were violently convinced that Mor and Azriel were going to be endgame. Basing their assumptions on what they found in ACOMAF, they had an unshakable belief in Moriel.

Now, you see, *I* was never a Moriel. What I saw in Moriel was one person deeply disinterested in another, while participating in a strange dynamic between herself and two brothers. What's more, what I always found curious and strange about Moriel in ACOMAF was that everything about it seemed to have come from other people. The 'relationship' such as it was (and it was strange) was told from the POV of others, namely Rhys to Feyre. And yet, at no point, have we ever seen Azriel act upon this intense infatuation that he supposedly had for Mor. There were 'longing looks' that he supposedly sent her way, but they were told through the biased lens of Feyre's observations, who took what Rhys told her at face value. Now, what *I* personally found curious and what made me more and more doubtful about Moriel in ACOMAF was that it was Feyre herself, the protagonist, who through her OWN observations (not through Rhys's) said the words 'and I think that Elain would cling to Azriel, just for some peace and quiet'. They didn't need to be included, those words. Not at all. She could've just said 'Elain would also love Velaris and would adore walking through the gardens and the flower stalls'. Yet, then the still human and engaged Elain would cling to Azriel...If he stopped loving Mor.

Hmmmm. Did that mean that Azriel could and WOULD stop 'loving' Mor because of ....Elain?

That if Elain was there, with him, 'clinging' to him, that would make him drop his 500 year old obsession? But why? I wondered. If Moriel were supposedly endgame, why would Elain be brought up as a possibility at all? Why, in Feyre's mind, did the two of them make sense?

Yet, the Moriels did not let up, though the hints were already there. The fact that it's been 500 years and nothing's happened between 2 people who seemingly had no obstacles to being together didn't seem to bother them. And what's more, none of these so-called 'evidence' came from Azriel himself. Or Mor. But especially Azriel. A man in love, he did not seek to touch this woman, help her, care for her, spend time with her. Once, he agreed to go to Rita's, and that was a big deal, it seemed.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because I've seen it all before. One of the biggest fandom members ever, was an ardent Moriel shipper. Moriel. Moriel. Moriel. The 'breadcrumbs' and the 'foreshadowing' were all there in her mind. Theories were written. Great Moriel fanfics. Art. Moodboards. In A COWARD, Moriel was finally going to happen. The next book was basically Moriel's.

Reminds you of anything?

Good, ol' Gwynriel.

Same shit. Different day. Taking questionable sentences from the books and thinking that they mean something that they don't. Constructing elaborate headcanons. Writing endless theories. Heavily relying on assumptions. And by God, Moriel actually had way more material to go by than Gwynriel. You COULD almost get confused--it would've been much more understandable than Gwynriel.

But what never convinced me about the validity of Moriel is that one sentence.

"Elain would cling to Azriel'.

THAT, my friends, is foreshadowing.

It hinted at the FUTURE. That there was an untold story there.

As she was tending to Rhys and his wounds, Feyre laid out the future for both sisters in her monologue.

Both Moriel and Gwynriel speak of the past--the rescues of both Mor and Gwyn. But never of the future. SJM never paired Gwyn and Azriel and gave them even one sentence of how they might come together in the future. Same with Moriel.

So, when you become worried and begin questioning yourself, when the noise gets too loud and you begin wondering whether Elriel is going to happen remember Moriel. A loud majority was advocating for those too as well at some point. Loud doesn't equal 'right'. Sometimes, it's just loud.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Screaming from the crypt (or how the past haunts the present on Midnights)

I know it's been discussed so much since Midnights came out but just.

I love how there is such a clear narrative throughout the album (and perhaps especially on the 3am/Vault tracks). About questioning and regret and choices and coming to terms with all of it. It is one long story about how we're all a mosaic of the choices we make, each one taking something from us and leaving something else in its place.

(And now a disclaimer: I'm looking at this mostly through a narrator/subject lens, and trying not to dive too deeply into real-life events or speculation except for in a general sense. For this purpose I like to look at the body of work as art, like literature, because I find it makes it easier to see the common threads in the different songs and cohesion in the narrative.)

In looking at the 3am+ tracks in particular, it's fascinating how some turns of phrases or themes repeat themselves in different songs, in different contexts. (I'm only focusing on the non-standard tracks because there are too many songs and I'd be here all day but I bet I could do a part two lol.) I know many people have pointed out the parallels throughout her discography already and I’m not saying anything groundbreaking by writing this, but I love how these parallels run through in the same album, because it makes it seem like it's one long story, or at least, one long rumination on many different stories that are coalescing into a single narrative.

Battle (let’s go)

For instance, the one that jumped out at me when I started writing this post the other week was, "Tore your banners down, took the battle underground," in The Great War and "If clarity's in death, then why won't this die? Years of tearing down our banners, you and I," in Would've, Could've Should've. It's a story about staying stuck in the same cycle of reliving trauma and coping mechanisms and bad habits over and over again and fantasizing about how taking the “antagonist” out and gaining the upper hand for good would bring closure (WCS), but the truth is that nothing ever will. All that cycle does, though, is repeat itself in other situations, and in this case pushes someone away the narrator cares for (TGW). The difference is that the imagined battle in WCS is a two-way street in her mind (that is ultimately unwinnable because it was never a fair fight), but in TGW it's one-sided -- she's the one fighting dirty, taking shots, the way she'd been doing in her imagination (or nightmares) all these years. But the person in front of her isn't fighting back the way the person in her mind in WCS would, because their intentions are honourable instead of exploitative.

And that's paralleled in another pair of lyrics from the two songs, "And maybe it's the past talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did," (in TGW) and "The tomb won't close, I fight with you in my sleep," (in WCS). In both cases, the funeral imagery makes it seem like this past event should be dead and buried in WCS, but it keeps rising from the dead, haunting her no matter what she does and in TGW, another (or perhaps the same?) tomb that won't close keeps unleashing new ways to hurt her and in turn the new person in her life. In other words, the trauma from the past continues to bleed into the present.

(Again from a literary point of view, I'm not saying the events of the two songs are linked IRL, but they're fascinating textual parallels on the album as a string of chapters, which is why Dear Reader is so compelling, but that's a whole other essay.)

To keep the battle motif going, there’s yet another parallel, this time between TGW’s "[You were a] soldier down on that icy ground, looked up at me with honor and truth," and You’re Losing Me’s "All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, fighting in only your army.” In the former, the subject is laying down his armour in the war she’s projecting onto him, waving the white flag, and she realizes that she’s about to destroy something if she doesn’t put her sword down too. By the time we get to YLM, the roles are almost reversed; at the very least they’re supposed to be on the same team, but in this case she’s doing all the heavy lifting, fighting for their relationship in contrast to his apathy killing it. It’s also pretty interesting (if not outright intentional) that one of the 3am+ editions of the albums starts with The Great War, where they find themselves in conflict (even if it’s in her head) that ends in a truce, and ends with You’re Losing Me signalling the end of the relationship, evidence that the resolution in the first song wasn’t an ending but merely a ceasefire before the last battle.

Putting the rest under a cut because this is waaaaay too long now ⤵️

(There’s also another metaphor there in The Great War with its battle imagery: World War I, aka The Great War, was supposed to be the war to end all wars, because loss on its scale was never seen before and when it ended, most thought never again would the world embroil itself in such battle, the horrors and implications were so devastating. Two decades later, the world found itself in WWII, with an even larger scope and more horrific consequences, the intervening time between the two a period of festering conflicts and resentment leading to some of the worst acts the world would see. Bringing real life into it for a second, there’s something a little poetic, though sad, about The Great War the song being about a fight that could have ended the relationship that they ultimately resolved and was meant to be evidence of the strength of their love, but so too did it end up being a period of détente, the greater battle coming for them years later. But that is not the point of this post.)

If one thing had been different

Another major theme in these editions is pondering the "what ifs?" of life, but I think it takes on even more significance in the broader context of the album in the lyrics of "I'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been, should've been you," in Bigger than the Whole Sky and the repetition of would've/could've in Would've, Could've, Should've (I would've looked away at the first glance, I would've stayed on my knees, I would've gone along with the righteous, I could've gone on as I was, would've could've should've if I'd only played it safe, etc.) In both songs, the narrator is mourning an alternate course their life could have taken* and questioning what they could have done differently, in the aftermath of trauma and loss, and the regret that comes with that loss, and with the loss of agency in the situation because ultimately it was never in their hands. In an album full of questions, wondering about the path not taken, or the forks in the road that have led to a different version of your life, it's digging deeper into the contrast of choice vs. fate, action vs. reaction, dwelling on the past vs. moving on. When you're supposed to let go of the past, what do you do when it is holding your future hostage?

(*I know there are different interpretations/speculation about BTTWS which I am not getting into on main. I'm just saying that whatever the song is about, it's grieving something that never came to be. The literal origin of the song is less important to the album than the sense of loss it portrays. Whatever the inspiration is, it's crafted to tell part of the story of Midnights of ruminating over how, to borrow from her previous work, if one thing had been different, would everything be different?)

(Also I was today years old when I realized that the words are inverted in the two songs. Apparently I've been hearing BTTWS wrong this whole time.)

There's also an interesting tangent in the role of faith in both songs: in WCS, the events of the story cause her to lose her faith (e.g. "All I used to do was pray," "you're a crisis of my faith,") and question all the things she felt had been unquestionable until that point in her life (e.g. "I could have gone along with the righteous"), whereas in BTTWS, she questions whether that very lack of faith is to blame for the loss in that song ("did some force take you because I didn't pray? [...] It's not meant to be, so I'll say words I don't believe"). It's like pinpointing the moment her life changed and upended her beliefs (WCS), but as a result then leaving her unmoored in times of crisis because ultimately there's no explanation or comfort to be taken from what she used to hold true before that (BTTWS). The words she once relied upon to guide her have long since lost their meaning, but in times of trouble it leaves her wondering if that faith she once held then lost could have prevented this pain.

(Shoutout to WCS for being Catholic guilt personified lol.)

To keep on with the vaguely faith-y notions, an obvious parallel is the line in Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve about, “I damn sure never would've danced with the devil at nineteen,” and, "When you aim at the devil, make sure you don't miss," in Dear Reader. All of WCS is about her fighting with an antagonist who haunts her, with whom she wholly regrets ever becoming involved. DR could be seen as a reflection on that fall from grace, warning the audience that if you choose to go after the person (or thing) haunting you, make sure you do so clearheaded enough to be decisive. Again, these “devils” may not be related in real life: the IRL devil in DR could be speaking about her naysayers, or Kim*ye, or Scott & Scooter B, etc., meaning not to cross your enemies until you know you can win. But taking real life out of it and looking at it textually, I am intrigued by the link between WCS and DR, so that’s what I’m going with here. And perhaps that’s even the point in a wider sense; there will be multiple “devils” in your life, or threats to your well-being. If you’re going to commit to taking them down — whether it’s an actual person, or the demons inside you that refuse to let you go — make sure you have the right ammo so that they can no longer hurt you. (Of course, one lesson from these experiences is that sometimes you can’t win, and you have to live with the fallout.)

(Sidebar: I know that “dancing with the devil” is a turn of phrase that means being led into temptation and engaging in risky behaviour, as opposed to describing the actual person. Given the religious metaphors in the song, that could very well be/is the intention, particularly when it’s preceded by, “I would have stayed on my knees” as in she would have continued to follow her faith — in whatever sense that means — had she never met this person, which could also be a more eloquent way of saying she would have continued to be live her life in a way that was righteous (even naive) and seen the world in black and white. Either way, it’s a force she wholly rejects. Like I said, multiple devils, same fight.)

Regret comes up too: in WCS, she says, "I regret you all the time," obviously directed at the person who manipulated her and led to her perceived downfall, citing him as the one impulse she wished she'd never followed, because it won't leave her no matter how hard she’s tried. In High Infidelity, she tells the person to, "put on your records and regret me," and on the surface, it’s like she’s turning the tables, painting herself as the one now causing the regret in someone else, the one inflicting the pain this time. Yet the verse preceding it and the lines following it in the chorus depict a partner who is also emotionally manipulative and vindictive like in WCS (“you said I was freeloading, I didn’t know you were keeping count,” “put on your headphones and burn my city,”). It’s not so much that she’s intentionally harming the person (the way the person in WCS does to her), but rather that the venom in the subject’s feelings towards her seeps through; she’s imagining the way he’s going to feel about her when she leaves, hating her just for by being who she is. (There could be another tangent about how in both songs she’s there to be a “token” in a game for both of the men, who play her for their own purposes.) The regret is dripping with disdain. It’s as though she’s picturing how the person is going to hate her for doing what she’s thinking of doing the way she hates the person who first hurt her.

Sadness, unsurprisingly, shows up in a few lyrics. In BTTWS, “Everything I touch becomes sick with sadness,” sets the scene of a person so overcome with grief that it permeates everything around them; they cannot see their way out of it and feel like the fog will never lift. In Hits Different, it’s, “My sadness is contagious,” the result of a breakup where the person’s grief again touches everything and everyone around them, pushing them further in their despair and loneliness. The reason behind the grief in either case may vary, but regardless of the source, the feeling is overpowering and isolating. They may be different chapters in the story, but the devastation is hauntingly familiar. (As is a recurring theme in Midnights as a whole: there are situations and feelings that present themselves at different points in her journey and colour in the lines in different ways along the road. Like revisiting an old vice and realizing the hit isn’t quite the same as it was in the past.)

Death by a thousand cuts

She also writes about wounds on this album, which isn't surprising I suppose given that the whole conceit is that these are things that have kept her up at night over the years. WCS is perhaps the driving narrative on this never ending hurt when she sings, “The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign, I regret you all the time,” suggesting that no matter what she does, the pain of this experience has permeated everything she’s done afterwards. (Not unlike the overwhelming grief in BTTWS, for instance.) Elsewhere, in High Infidelity she sings, "Lock broken, slur spoken, wound open, game token," and in Hits Different, "Make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding.” Again I'm not suggesting they're about the same events; the line in HI is about a situation where a partner crosses a boundary, hits below the belt, picks at an insecurity (or creates a new one) and treats the relationship like it's transactional, opening the floodgates in turn. In HD, the wound seems to be more self-inflicted, where she's pushed the person away. (Over a situation real or imagined she feels she needs distance from.) But again, something has picked at her like a raw nerve, and just like in the past, she's hurting, even in a different time and place and person. Almost like the wounds of the past break open over and over again to create new scars. If one were to extrapolate further, it wouldn’t be the biggest leap to wonder if the wound open in WCS, then torn apart in HI makes the one in HD hurt even more.

(I once wrote a post about how I think as time goes on, WCS is going to turn into one of those songs that will be found to drive so much of her work, because it’s just… kind of the unsaid thesis statement of so much of her songwriting.)

Another repeated theme is that of the empty home and loneliness. In High Infidelity, she sings, "At the house lonely, good money I'd pay if you just know me, seemed like the right thing at the time," painting a picture of someone who may have everything they'd want to the outside world, but in reality feels metaphorically trapped in their home (or at least alone amidst abundance), a symbol of a relationship gone sour and a failure to build connection. She just wants someone to understand her, want her for her, but as she's written earlier in the song, she's just a pawn in the game, a trophy from the hunt. Home, in this case, is lonely, isolated, an emblem of her fears. In Dear Reader, she continues this thread, then singing, "You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking, if you knew where I was walking, to a house not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there, where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care, no one sees you lose when you're playing solitaire." It's the same idea, admitting to listeners that the gilded cage she lived in kept her distanced from her loved ones and real connection, keeping her struggles close to the vest but feeling desperately lonely amidst her crowning success. She's pushed people away and it may have felt like the right thing at the time, but in the end maybe felt like she was trapped. And when you push people away, eventually they take you at your word and stop pushing back; you’re a victim of your own success at isolating yourself. What starts out of self-preservation then further perpetuates the underlying problems.

(There's another interesting link about "home" also feeling unsafe with HI's "Your picket fence is sharp as knives," which further leads into the theme of marriage/domesticity feeling dangerous, which is a whole other thing I won't get into here because it's another discussion and may derail this already gargantuan word salad.)

In a slightly similar vein, we have the metaphor of bad weather for a rocky road or unstable relationship, in High Infidelity again with, "Storm coming, good husband, bad omen, dragged my feet right down the aisle" and You’re Losing Me’s "every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes.” They aren’t speaking of the same situation or even same kind of breakdown, but it is pretty interesting how the idea of clouds/storms/floods/etc. play such a role in Taylor’s music to signal depression, apprehension, fear, uncertainty, etc. In HI, I think the “storm” coming is the looming threat of commitment to a partner who makes the narrator uneasy (if not fearful). In this case, the idea of making a life with this person is not one that incites joy or comfort, but instead makes the narrator feel that dark times are ahead if she continues down this path. Perhaps in some way, the “storms” in YLM have made good on the threat in HI in a different way; it’s a different home, a different relationship, but the clouds have settled in regardless, and some of her fears have come to fruition in ways she did not expect. The person she once trusted no longer sees her or her struggles (or worse, doesn’t care), and the resentment and pain build with each passing day.

Coming back to heartbreak, one of the obvious "full circle" moments is the beginning of a relationship in Paris, where she says that, "I'm so in love that I might stop breathing," clearly enthralled in a new love that allows her to shut the world out and grow in private, capturing the all-encompassing nature of the relationship. This infatuation has consumed her in the most wonderful way (in contrast to the sorrow of some of the previous songs), and it feels like a life-altering (or even life-sustaining?) force that is so strong she may forget what it’s like to breathe. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) By the end of the album, though, in You're Losing Me, that heart-stopping love has become a threat: "my heart won't start anymore for you." In the former, her racing heart is full of excitement, but by the latter, her heart has given out completely under the weight of the pain she bears. (YLM is full of death/illness imagery which I already wrote about awhile ago so I won't hear, but needless to say that song deserves its own essay for so many reasons.) She's gone from the unbridled joy of the beginnings of a relationship to the unrelenting sorrow of its end, two sides of the same coin.

Love as death appears elsewhere in the music too, for instance, in High Infidelity’s, “You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough" and You’re Losing Me’s “How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying? […] My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick.” Though not completely analogous situations, they both tell the tale of one partner’s apathy (or at least denial) destroying the other. In the former, the partner’s actions (or inaction) are more insidious, if not sinister; in the latter, the lack of momentum (or admission of a problem) is passive. In both cases, the end result is the narrator’s demise; it’s a drawn out affair that chips away at her morale and her health and her sense of self. (Breaking my own rule about bringing in alleged actual events into the discussion, but the idea that the relationship in High Infidelity, which was obviously fraught with unease and even fear, ended in a similarly excruciatingly slow and hurtful death by a thousand cuts as the relationship in You’re Losing Me almost did at that time must have been so painful. It almost feels like YLM is wondering why what used to be a source of light in her life was mirroring a situation that caused her such pain in the past.)

From the same little breaks in your soul

I said early on that part of what is so compelling about Midnights is that it feels like an album about ruminating — on choices, on events, on people — and the two final “bonus” tracks of the album depict that as well. In Hits Different, she sings that, “they say if it’s right, you know,” an ode to the confusion of a breakup and struggling with the aftermath of calling it quits. It’s a line that has always intrigued me, because the typical use of the phrase is in the sense of, “you’ll know when you meet the one,” but here it seems to have a double meaning, a reassurance perhaps from the friends (who later on tell her that "love is a lie") that she’ll know if she’s made the right decision in calling it off, but could also be her wondering if the relationship is right, she’ll know, and want to reconcile. In the final bonus track, You’re Losing Me, she sings, “now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time,” this time leaving no doubt about the dilemma she faces, though it’s no less fraught. She’s wondering, perhaps for the last time, if now is finally the moment to end the relationship for good. They say that if it’s right she’ll know, and now she’s wondering if that feeling inside her (that once told her her partner was the one, which is why it hit differently), is telling her that it’s time to go for good. Wait Alexa play “It’s Time To Go.” These are not only the things that keep her up at night, but the things that play over in her mind like a film reel in her waking hours.

Midnights as a whole is a deeply personal album, as is most of Taylor's work, but the 3am+ edition tracks seem to dig even deeper to a lot of the issues raised on the standard album. Almost like the standard tracks are the things she wonders about on sleepless nights, but the bonus tracks are the things that haunt her in the aftermath. The regret, anger, sadness, grief, relief, even joy— they’re the price she pays for the memories she keeps reliving. Midnights might be the most cohesive narrative of all her albums, and really does feel like we’re watching someone work through her journal over time, stopping short of outright naming those giant fears and intrusive thoughts (except for when she does) but making them plain as day when you connect the songs together, and perhaps never more clearly than in the expanded album. It’s incredible how the songs stand on their own to relay a specific moment in time, but that they are also self-referential to each other (whether thematically or overtly) to weave a larger web over the entire work. We’re so lucky as fans to have these stories and to keep peeling back these layers as time passes. (And my literature-analysis-loving ass loves her even more for it.)

This is obviously by no means an exhaustive list, and I know there are more parallels and probably even stronger links (particularly when you add the standard version into the mix), but these were the ones that particularly struck me and I’m just glad I’ve had a chance to sit with this and think it through. ❤️

[queen0fm0nsterz]

I said this many times before but I will say it again:

I find the conflict between Six and the Lady to be so much more interesting when viewed through the lens of them not being the same person, but rather being a metaphor for each other -- someone who is like the person you used to be vs the threat of the person you could become.

Them having a similar past and reacting to it in completely different ways makes the dynamic incredibly interesting. The reason why I am so deeply attached to the theory that the Lady is the girl in the paintings who wears a yellow raincoat is because, narratively, it would make her the perfect foe to Six.

The coat itself is not really important: what matters is what it signifies. It means freedom, hope, light, but most importantly it means not losing yourself. When Six finds the coat, she finds herself. She finds her True Colors, as the OST itself will tell you.

And Six sticks to it.

In spite of everything pointing her to the Maw, Six categorically refuses to go there. Shadow Six points her to it, but the comics let us know that Six did not go to the Maw as she was pushed to do: the Ferryman had to drag her on it. He had to tie her up to take her there -- which, when considering the Ferryman's usual methods, really points just how hard Six fought to avoid the Maw.

Six does not want to be on the Maw. She rebukes it. Exactly the opposite of the Lady, who instead sticks in it for dear life.

The Lady is a deeply fascinating villain through many lens, but what makes her the most interesting to me is the fact that, when picking her arguments apart barebones, she reasons exactly like the children of the Maw do. In the Refugee Boy's story, it is explained why he prefers being on the Maw rather than being left to the outside world.

Safety.

With this in mind, here is an extract from the Lady's official character description:

"Amidst the chaos of the world outside, The Maw is the only place that makes sense. (...) The guests must eat. The Maw must survive."

The Lady sticks to the Maw because it's beneficial to her. Because it is the only place whose (horrific) structure she can comprehend. The world outside is chaos, we have seen it ourselves. The Maw, as terrible as it is, has a clear routine that repeats every year. It has dangers that can be avoided as they become more and more known.

The children would rather stay here, rather than face the unknown outside. And the Lady would rather uphold a system that kills and takes advantage of innocents if it means she can live in peace and safely just one more day.

The Maw is the lesser evil. And the Lady lost herself to it. Or rather, it would be more correct to say that whoever she used to be when she got on the Maw is gone... and all the Lady is, is nothing if not the Lady of the Maw.

((Which is why she can't bear to look in the mirror. Would you stare in it, knowing that the person starring back is someone you don't know?))

But Six is not like the Lady. Six is Six.

She does not want to be safe, she wants to leave. The institution of the Maw means nothing to her, no matter how many outside factors push her towards it. Even if strategically speaking staying the Maw would be the safe option, by leaving, Six chooses her true self. It's an act of defiance to a generational cycle that has been upheld for who knows how long by simply taking a leap of faith.

One stayed. The other left.

Ironically, the two of them are not a mirror of each other, like the Thin Man and Mono are. They instead walk on two parallel lines.

The Lady turns right, and Six turns left. The Lady turns down the stairs that lead back inside the Maw. She lets the raincoat fall off her shoulders. Six turns up the stairs, outside of the submarine. She clings to her raincoat as hard as she can.

They are two strangers who happen to be just a little similar, but so incredibly different that they end up going different places. And that's what gives them nuance.

[morethansky]

***TBB FINALE SPOILERS***

"The Cavalry Has Arrived" aka MY OTP IS CANON NOW

A truly absurd amount of meta and thoughts and screaming under the cut:

Overall

• I...loved it????? This is the biggest plot twist of all for me. Like I've said incessantly, I've had so many issues with the writing choices for this show, and I'm so grateful the brainrot set in so I could start watching it through a fandom lens and have way more fun with it than through a media critic lens and being a hater. But like...that was actually really satisfying to me within the parameters of where the show had led to in the last four episodes??

• As everyone on the planet probably knows by now, I would've been much happier if this show had led to the Batch choosing to do the right thing and joining the clone resistance, and if we never get another clone series, I will continue to be unbearable and salty about the lost potential of telling that story. But after Echo left and we stopped following his story, I gave that hope up. And ofc nothing about my criticism of this season is invalidated. But given the pieces on the board, I'd pretty wholeheartedly give the finale my stamp of approval!

• I'm ultimately glad that this show ended on a "We don't leave our own behind" note, because that's the clone energy and general Star Wars energy I'm looking for, and they did a great job of applying that theme to every non-villain in this episode, minor and unnamed characters included—but it's still so darkly funny for them to have continued to push this idea even though the first season is literally about them leaving their own behind and moving on. And then Crosshair calls them out on it. And then he just...leaves himself behind. Even in their first appearance in TCW, the Batch's entire vibe is that they keep trying to convince Rex to leave his own behind lmao. I just feel like the show wanted this adage to tie everything together, but then forgot to keep applying it somewhere along the way. But hurrah for this abundant use of it!

• My overall biggest criticism was that even within this one episode we got back on the rescue/captured/rescue/captured treadmill. It's the biggest plot crutch of the show. It's so goofy that Omega and Echo rescued both the children and the imprisoned clones by themselves. The setup made it so that by going to rescue Omega, Hunter, Wrecker, and Crosshair actually put her in more danger. And because they were there, more clones died, wtf!! But I do like the narrative flip—Echo and Omega were both saved by the Batch in their introductions in this era, and here are they are being the ones to save them in return. Omega and Echo also are the characters in the main cast who deserve the rescuer plotline the most, since they have been consistently portrayed as helping those in need no matter what.

• Hilariously, one of the most pivotal roles that the Forest Trio plays in regards to the GFFA at large is that they were essentially Rampart's rideshare drivers, thus enabling him to be there and force Nala Se not to hesitate to destroy Project Necromancer.

Rampart and Nala Se

• Hemlock saying his work makes him indispensable is fantastic dialogue; it just seems like some dickish thing he would say to shit on Rampart, but it ends up giving Rampart the idea to try to leverage his work to become indispensable himself, and in saying that line, Hemlock ushers his own ruin!!! This is the kind of script work I've been begging for.

• Also I was so right about Rampart being like a Kallus foil! That infamous shot of him in his sad, sterile room after Bahryn is mirrored here with Rampart sitting in pretty much the same position, except his path is the opposite from Kallus's.

• They did an EXCELLENT job with Rampart's fate. I was worried they were neutering him these last couple eps, even if the comedy was gold, but this was very well done. Everything that happens leading up to his death makes complete sense for his character, and it accomplishes the very key plot point of destroying Tantiss. At the start of the season I couldn't figure out how and why the Batch was going to end up delaying Project Necromancer for like thirty years, so I feel validated that they pretty much don't. Very typical of this show to not have the protagonists do the heroic work, but fuck it, I like this instance.

• The humanizing of Nala Se in this show has always been a bit of an interesting choice given that this is feels like such a direct successor to TCW and she was so clearly a villain there. But although they don't quite redeem her, her motivations and her fate were also artfully executed here. Her conversation with Omega pretty much takes into account every Nala Se scene in this show, which is a great way to wrap her character up. And I really like the mirror of Nala Se giving Omega her datapad in the season premiere, and Omega giving Nala Se a datapad here. Both times, Nala Se is determined to set Omega free.

• And I'm so glad there was a follow-up to the destruction of Kamino as well! Nala Se getting a bit of revenge against one of the beings responsible for the genocide of her people and destruction of her homeworld is not something I expected at all, and I love it. And the setup of Nala Se picking up the detonator and Rampart picking up the blaster is just fantastic, because you know from just those two shots that Rampart is willing to kill to gain Palpatine's favor for himself, and Nala Se is willing to die to make sure the being she loves will be free.

Echo and Omega supremacy

• Give me an Echo-led rebel show where he convinces all sorts of people in the Empire and the underworld to defect/help them, please!!! He's so good at it, completing Emerie's turn so efficiently! We have to assume Rex is also good at it given his cell and that he has clone spies and even undercover agents, but every time he sees Hunter he has tried and failed to recruit him lmao. Also REX'S NAMEDROP but him not showing up surely means...we'll see a continuation of his story soon after this...right??? Also this means Howzer still lives, oh, thank god.

• "Because it's exactly what I would do." Strategist Echo comeback yessss!! A nice little callback to the Techno Union arc that kicked this story off as well. And HELL YEAH Omega's relationship with Echo is my favorite out of all of her connections, and I'm living for their spotlight together this ep. I'm extremely invested in found family stories not relying on nuclear family narratives, and I love that you see throughout the show that Echo doesn't "raise" Omega like a kid—he trains her like a cadet. Like someone who he intends to be his equal, which is a nice and very appreciated contrast to others treating her like a precious sheltered baby.

• Their goodbye scene in "Truth and Consequences" is one of my favorites in the show, and I just adore that when Omega is upset, Echo doesn't coddle her—he reminds her of her duty to watch over the others, giving her a purpose and a reason to stand tall. When he conveys that he was worried about her and thinking of her while she was captured, he gifts her a weapon he designed and made for her during that time, so that she won't have to be defenseless after being defenseless for so long in captivity. It's so clone trooper, and I love it and the glimpses these details give us about clone culture and how the older clones cared for the shinies and the cadets and showed their love for each other.

• I also liked that Omega couldn't have escaped without Tech's training, since slicing was so vital. And all her stealthy stabbing is of course reminiscent of Hunter. And finally some emotional payoff for the ongoing bit about Wrecker being afraid of heights! I'm weak for inspirational Star Wars quotes, and this show hasn't had many, but "Just stay focused on what's ahead, not what's below," is a lovely one.

Forest conversations, my beloved

• The Kiners scored the fuck out of this episode!!! So many clever, thoughtful reprises. This is the first reappearance of Crosshair's theme that's played on the synths since he began healing! And then it segues into a soft violin tremolo version that makes me cry, and then it intertwines with "The Sacrifice" from Tech's death, ouchhhh. I have a lot of meta I need to write out about the tracks "The Reunion" and "They Always Work It Out" and how they say so much about Hunter and Crosshair, but I can't believe how well my analysis paid off in the cues in this scene! More on that in another post.

• Gosh, Wrecker's injury scared the shit out of me. But I love him so much and I'm glad he got at least a little moment, even if he didn't really have a story arc here. Or you know, in the entire damn show. And I ultimately liked that the purpose of it wasn't just to freak us out but to give them a plausible disadvantage and to give Crosshair someone to fuss over the whole time and act more recklessly because of it, thus reiterating this key character trait of his.

• I love Crosshair being worried about Wrecker and Hunter and them being worried about Crosshair. That's the squad content I crave and have been missing!! Unfortunate that it specifically has been happening when Omega is out of the picture. Writers, I swear to you, you can do both.

• Can't believe it took another half season for someone to say something about Tech's death, and it was Crosshair, who wasn't even there?? Cool line and sentiment, but man, so frustrating. I like this callback to his conversation with Rampart, though. "Depends on who's giving them" and in this first act he keeps trying to give those orders himself. Thinking of Rex on Umbara: "We're not programmed. You have to learn to make your own decisions."

• God the forest conversations in this ep and the previous one fed me so much. Hunter saying, "And so do those clones" had me literally jumping out of my seat and cheering. Baby boy, it took you so goddamn long, but thank you for finally actually giving a shit before the conclusion of your story. And "It's what I deserve," hnghhh that's the good shit, and it hearkens back perfectly to "I belong in here." And Hunter immediately telling Crosshair hell no made me very happy. And then later Hunter saying "Crosshair—" when he's worried Crosshair is still going to sacrifice himself, but Crosshair reassures him that he'll be right behind them... My heart! What a Crosshunt feast we got in this ep!!!

• Can't believe we also got so many Crosswrecker moments from the get-go and they kept coming! And my three precious little Techwrecker crumbs: the way Crosshair specifically chooses Wrecker to say the cutting remark about Tech to; the way Wrecker bows his head because that was right on target; and Wrecker being the one to watch Tech fall and to scream, "Don't do it, Tech!" in "Plan 99" yet the one to say with such conviction here, "We've always known the risks. And so did Tech." That's just so...finally accepting your beloved is gone ;_; Not really deserved by the text, which kept all but a total of like maybe one total minute of mourning off screen for some fucking reason, but.

Clone X, more like Clone Sexy

• There aren't nearly as many Clone X dudes as I expected?? I guess Crosshair's situation wasn't that rare after all? Or do they just run through them super quickly because Rex's team keeps taking them down?? Regardless, god, THEY ARE ALL SO SEXY. The way they animated their movements was so creepy and hot. And them not speaking was so eerie, I loved it. And then the moment that CX-2 did was so effective and terrifying!!! But remembering that those were clones in there is so, so heartbreaking.

• I really like that Echo really felt like both a clone trooper AND the resistance agent he is now this whole episode, and Hunter, Wrecker, and Crosshair actually briefly got to feel like commandos. The slick stealth and silent communication was also very sexy.

• MY GOD, I loved these action scenes. They were lit and choreographed so cool, they were super intense and had real consequences and close brushes with death, and the logic of the fight flow was really good, too. A character being incapacitated because they went to try to help an ally is always a wonderful driving force for action and gives it that crucial character-driven element that raises the stakes, and is great for making sure the main characters aren't too OP, and there was a ton of that here.

• Hunter and Wrecker getting shot by laser cannons and Hunter pushing Wrecker away from the blast made me shriek in terror AND THEN CROSSHAIR SHOOTING THE PILOT DEAD ON NO HESITATION NO ANXIETY NO TREMOR BECAUSE HOW DARE YOU HURT MY HUSBAND I'M FUCKING LIVINGGG. And then Wrecker stumbling over to Hunter and lifting the debris like he does in TCW. Boom, three pivotal character-driven action scenes in a row that divulge a key characteristic of each character! Excellently written and directed.

• Also I am SO SO SO HAPPY that we're getting to see this protective Crosshair come out in full force!!! This is the Crosshair who risked his life to try to save Mayday, who shouted hysterically when Hunter fell into the ice and was so desperate to get him out, who worried over Omega on Teth. I also really like this contrast with how he was about Echo—"Echo's on it." He knows Echo will get the job done and be safe and that's despite his former prejudice against regs. He's worried about Hunter and Wrecker and that's despite previously spending time trying to hunt them down. And when he suffers consequences, it's because of him worrying about them, and that's so delicious.

• Finally got to hear Crosshair screaming! And Hunter was already the screamer in this show, but goddamn does he get to scream in this episode. Thank you, directors, for this whump material! My man Steward Lee never lets me down.

• THE WAY THAT WHEN CROSSHAIR IS TRYING TO SAVE WRECKER HE REACHES FOR A DC-17 OMG!!!! I feel so validated! And just like with Mayday, he's incapacitated afterward...

• God the way CX-2 waits to be tossed the vibrosword and then leans down with it while Crosshair is already incapacitated is SO brutal, like this is not a battle injury. It's straight up what Anakin fucking Skywalker does to Count Dooku just before he becomes a Sith Lord, like holy shit, dude. This scene is so cool and I've watched it 10,000 times over the past 24 hours, but also why did he do that lol, is he just supposed to be particularly cruel?? Obsessed with tormenting Crosshair for some reason?? Also, these vibroswords are exactly how I've pictured Ahsoka's being in A Future for Us :D

• At this point I was like, uhhh, the messaging of Crosshair struggling with this psychomatic hand tremor since the first episode of the season and then the symptom literally being taken out of his........hands sure is a Choice, especially coupled with how they've treated Echo (or you know, not). When they showed him still with the symptoms later, I was very relieved, AND THEN HUNTER LITERALLY CURES CROSSHAIR THROUGH THE POWER OF THE LOVE AND FAITH AND TRUST HE HAS FOR HIM IS THERE ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL IN THE WORLD???? But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Echo is the GOAT

• "You were helping us, Dr. Karr?" / "I am." I love this subtle line and how Emerie acknowledges that she wasn't sure of her loyalties before but is certain now. And I love that she says such a clone trooper thing, "You have my word," and then doing the clone shoulder pat, especially in direct contrast to the natborn kids hugging Omega just before.

• "Hey, kids. ...And other kids." is just so fucking 501st, I can't explain it. I'm just so ecstatic that they did Echo such justice in the end, giving a nod to everything about his character, even his dorkass cadet personality. And it wasn't just so he could die, thank god!!!

• Like Echo even got a DARTH VADER homage??? That's his mass-murdering general (affectionate). More on this here!

• Also is there anything more Big Dick Energy in the world than Echo eviscerating Rampart—who either the clones would recognize as a former vice admiral or at least see his captain rank plaque—with what may not be a theme this show really earned but is ABSOLUTELY a theme that Echo deserves and has shouldered for over two seasons...and then just straight up shoving him out of the way so that he can talk to his brothers???? And with his stormtrooper helmet—which is like Echo refusing to dirty his hands (including his new, long-awaited one) by touching Rampart oh my god??? Sexiest man alive.

• So the answer is no, there isn't. Fives is hollering from the afterlife. Half those clones immediately developed a crush on him in that moment. That one clone later placing a blaster in Echo's arms so gently confirmed this for me (remember the symbolism of Echo making the energy crossbow for Omega? He even gives her his borrowed blaster in this scene), but it's so sad that he died because of it, whyyy.

• Also I love the "Clones don't leave our brothers behind" riff on the "We don't leave our own behind" adage. It's very fitting that Hunter would put it that way because he only means his squad (+/-1), whereas Echo would see it as meaning his people.

• And I love how when Rampart first shoves Echo, the clone in front that Echo's been talking to prickles and makes brief eye contact with him, to be like, "Should we take him? I've got your back." I felt that girls (gender neutral) in the bathroom energy so hard.

• The clones helping each other out of their cells made me so emotional. And it's the same way that Hunter and Crosshair do later...

• Echo asking for volunteers, just like Rex did on Umbara..................

• I think this post is breaking and I'm still only two-thirds of the way through my rewatch, oops. And yesterday I stayed up until 8 a.m. after I put it on again after watching it for the first time... I'm so normal about this show. More tomorrow!

• Part 2!

[thefruitbin]

something i like about the blue eye samurai is that they let mizu be a woman. And i know thats ironic since shes had to instead be a man, or let ppl assume shes a man so she could be safe or taken seriously. If anything they dont let her actually choose. idk if that makes any sense, but when i didnt know anything about this show i immediately expected the protagonist to be a man. Usually men play those roles, or whatever. So when i heard her voice in the trailer, i got excited! I hoped that she would be a woman, bcuz i rarely see women who dont look perfect, who arent wearing like skin tight suits or whatever portrayed this way. For me personally i always end up wanting a woman to be in the “mans shoes” or whagever the fuck. I wish i could articulate myself better. Like fuck they actually let a woman look badass as fuck, shes treated with respect in portraying her skills (by the story), and she isnt like the epitome of beauty (for social standards or whatever, to me she’s absolutely frickin gorgeous)

They actually let her exist outside of this lens of what woman should look like or act like. I know its been done before or whatever, but fuck it i barely see woman depicted in this same lens as a man and not make some joke about it. Shes not degraded to a sex object, her appearance isnt perfect or the beauty standard, she gets to be a killer and skilled swordsman in the same light as taigen. It felt rlly great.

I personally struggle with my gender identity, i feel somehow someway im not woman enough. So seeing mizu sort of go through not fitting this sort of standard, having this idea of being a man forced upon her, its all so complicated and interesting and relatable. Maybe that says something about me, maybe it doesnt. But im so excited to see where they take mizu and her gender. Akemi feels like such a foil against mizu. She fits the beauty standard, shes observed as a woman and has her own power. She’s unfortunately the luckiest a woman could be in the story, her being married and such was better than being sold. But still powerless at the same time. It makes sense why mizu was dismissive of akemi at the beginning, to her it looked like akemi was just a brat, but even akemi struggles with not being taken seriously. Mizu on the other hand doesnt fit the standard, being mixed, seen less than human for not fitting the standard, not being “woman” enough (the whole husband thing where her actually being better than him immediately made her husband like dismissing of her and possibly ratting on her as well) the whole constant thing of her “mom” telling her she doesnt have good looks, it often felt like mizu was fighting against not only being mixed and “not pure”, but also fighting against what a woman could exist as..”not pure”. She could not just plainly exist.

Gender stuff is so damn complicated and its something ive struggled with. Ive tried exploring the idea that maybe im trans, maybe im a man or nonbinary. But it felt so relieving to see mizu as a character. Something that stuck out to me was when she was talking to her ex husband. He asked “u wanted to be a man?” And she said something along the lines of “i had to be one” and it felt sort of vindicating in the sense that damn idk.. like me and my siblings have struggled with our genders and whats expected of us, especially within our culture. Ive had conversations with my sister like about how sometimes we do wish we were men. To be taken seriously, to easily do things without feeling so judged. Maybe cis people dont do that, maybe they do, its okay.

I just love mizu, and im so excited to explore this story.

[roxykisser]

classpect titles: identity vs. the narrative

right. here’s something i’ve been meaning to talk about for a while. the assignment of classpect titles.

before i start, i want to make something clear: i’m not here to tell anyone how to identify. i am of the opinion that everyone knows themselves best. i’m not here to tell anyone how to classpect: this is a wacky business filled to the brim with speculation. this is merely an account of my views and opinions.

the classpecting community at large, here on tumblr at least, is very concerned with one’s personality when assigning classpect titles. this approach also necessitates a focus on both class and aspect in tandem; making sense as one full concept, a one and done thing, rather than two components of a title. a title, not a name.

a prince of heart is one who destroys heart. therefore the prince must destroy heart. he cannot engage in destructive behaviour, fall into that class’ archetypal pitfalls and climb its archetypal highs, and also have an arc concerned with identity, see the world in those terms at the same time. he must always be a [destroyer of heart].

it all ends up rather stereotypical; a prince destroys, therefore the prince is bad. a knight protects, therefore the knight is good.

i find it more constructive to look at classes as archetypes, because at their origin, this is what they are. patterns of behaviour one repeats again and again, falls back on when they are at their wits’ end. this is where the narrative view of classpects comes in.

class represents the hero’s internal processes. their values. a sort of concise list of their greatest faults and greatest strengths, like horoscopes in the newspaper. made to be generic. made for the hero to grow with and past them. it makes sense then why most prefer to classpect based on personality: it is easier to look at yourself as a list of traits than it is to look at yourself as a history, a narrative path you’ve walked. actually, that brings me to a good metaphor: your class is your shoes. the trail you walk. your aspect is the scenery.

classpecting from a narrative angle requires a shift in perspective, and acknowledging one stark difference between the hero title of myself and say, the hero title of jake english. we are both hope players, yet one of us is a person. the other is a character. the title system in homestuck is made around characters. the game is deliberately set up to help its players grow, and in doing that sets them on a path loosely defined by their title. people are a bit more complicated.

seeing yourself as a character isn’t easy. it’s almost impossible. characterhood is objective; personhood is not. in a story, we see its characters’ entire arcs in one line, we can clearly identify the inflection points in their stories and which themes repeat again and again. but as people our lives are ongoing; we are not afforded the same omnipotence, the ability to see time all at once.

class is incredibly hard to determine because of this. aspect is a bit easier. it is the themes that repeat again and again in our lives, a backdrop for all else to happen. it is a lens through which we see and understand the world. a light player might see their world as a story. a heart player might see the world as a tangle of identities rubbing up against and affecting each other. the possibilities are as endless as paradox space, which is to say not at all or quite a lot, depending on how you look at things. and how big you are in the scheme of them.

of course some measure of both narrative and personality classpecting must be employed for the most accurate outcome to be produced. one cannot look at the forest’s reflection in the lake and claim to know the beasts within. one cannot build a house with only bricks. but a healthy harmony should be strived towards in order for the result to be most accurate.

if you would like to read some posts from people who know these things better than me, i recommend @classpect-navelgazing, particularly their masterpost, and @urcharactersclasspect, whose opinions i found very particularly eye-opening.

[redphlox]

Genuine question! How do you feel about Hawks currently in the story? I know he has a lot of fans, and a lot of people really enjoy him, but I am somebody who really struggles to enjoy Hawks with everything we have thus far.

I really did have high hopes for his character, I hope that he was going to have a real moment of self-reflection about Twice's death. Every time Hawks talks about twice, he just says the same thing, "Yeah, Jin was a good guy. (:"

He's got a very weird parasocial relationship with Endeavor, and the story didn't unpack that. After Endeavor's family past comes to light, he's not shown to have any struggle with the idea of Endeavor being a past abuser he just automatically goes straight giving him his support and we are not shown a moment of internal conflicting thoughts on Endeavor.

Horikoshi created a very interesting foil situation with him and Touya, but then he never unpacked that either. They never interacted again after Twice's death. Sucks, as I felt like the Dabi and Hawks dynamic has TON of potential (not talking from a shipping lens), but it still didn't go anywhere in the end.

The way the story frames Hawks is very strange, too. Not one person on the hero side questions him killing twice. It would have been interesting if we had gotten a scene where Tokoyami questioned Hawks and asked if it was the right thing to do.

Another weird scene was when Lady Nagant explodes, and Hawks catches her. She tells him he's got the look of a real hero or he had an optimistic look in his eyes (I don't remember 100% what she said now). That was their first time meeting each other, too.

Now, here we are currently with Hawks, becoming the president of public safety commission.

Idk, I wanted to really like him, but when I read his character in canon, I just think there is a lot that the story did not unpack with him.

Some of it feels like Horikoshi's writing choices. It really feels like he holds back really hard when it comes to the heroes.

Hey! Thanks for your thoughtful ask 😊

Basically, I agree with everything you said. You took the words right out of my mouth. I initially really liked Hawks - his design, his spunky personality, his quirk, and the mystery surrounding him. All the foiling with Dabi was superb. I didn't even mind when he killed Twice - not that I didn't feel sad about his death, because I did, but with the framing and everything I thought his death wouldn't be in vain and that the characters would all grow and learn from it, especially Hawks.

But nothing came of it. I'm of the opinion that Hawks was retconned heavily because Horikoshi realized how popular his character was and didn't want to angry fans by having him face consequences or be wrong about something. I feel like Lady Nagant is probably what Hawks' backstory and actual plot were supposed to be, and she's just a substitute. But this sudden change in the direction of his arc completely devastated the themes and thus the story.

Hawks feels really empty to me right now. He's the epitome of toxic positivity, blindly following, and no introspection or self reflection about his actions or what it means to be a hero or even about what it means being a victim. He's just kind of there.

I know we have two chapters to go, so maybe we'll have more - I have hopes that with his power as president of the commission he will pardon or rehabilitate the villains in some way and actually follow through with what he had offered Twice.

We'll see. For now, I'm like... rolling my eyes and imagining better writing for him.

[slutburn]

do you notice anything different after seeing saltburn multiple times ?

i have noticed a lot of different things but i’m going to talk just about the lens because it kind of encapsulates everything i’ve been thinking about in the rewatches. this story is told entirely through oliver’s lens. we have literally no source of information about this course of events other than oliver (and then the scenes after he finishes telling the story) because he’s the narrator, and an extremely unreliable one at that.

we know that oliver is a clever writer and he’s read so much, he knows how to craft a story, it makes me wonder just how much of this story is heavily embellished, romanticized, stylized (all of the scenes between oliver and felix are framed like a romance because he’s in love with felix. there’s always that feeling that they’re going to break the tension. but what would felix’s versions of these moments look like? would he have felt that tension too? what moments did oliver edit around or edit out entirely?). but at the same time, it could very well be how oliver remembers reality because that’s how nostalgia works.

i like to think about this during the scene where farleigh and the professor are critiquing oliver’s essay and discussing style vs substance — “it’s not what you argue, but how.” one of the things that makes Saltburn (the movie) so interesting is, of course, how it’s told. this would be a completely different movie if it was just, a guy invites his friend to his house for the summer and he ends up killing him and his family to inherit the house. but it’s a stylish story, and oliver includes this scene because it ended up being something that he took to heart when telling his story, this story. over everything he wants to be Interesting so badly. and by carefully crafting this intricate, stylish, beautiful narrative (out of a horrific course of events) he’s interesting.

i also just really like the scene where oliver is talking to henry’s wife (idk her name) at dinner because that was the moment i really was like OH he’s an unreliable narrator! this is his retelling and this moment (him not remembering whether she has 2 children or 3) is a reminder that it’s oliver’s story and a major hint to us that he is unreliable.

[creator-chaos]

Iruma & Kirio as foils, or: Why does Iruma still want Kirio?

TLDR: they want to own each other, mind your business

This won the poll of which meta to write up first, so let’s get into it. I’ve seen plenty of fan complaints about Iruma being “too forgiving” towards Kirio or blinded by love, and I think that misses the actual point of Iruma’s experience here, which is grounded in the way he and Kirio are not only foils, but fundamentally opposing forces. 

(Disclaimer that I’m not saying “Kirio did nothing wrong” “uwu poor little meow meow” etc. I’m fundamentally not interested in whether a character “deserves” redemption, I don’t believe in punitive justice, justice is not even a major theme in Mairuma, and I think if any sort of justice is being brought into the interpretation, Kirio is most compelling when considered through a lens of transformative justice and societal-level questions.) 

General Parallels & Kirio’s Side

We see them start from similar places: most highlighted is the way they are both basically disabled in terms of their magical ability, and rely on assistive devices provided by a “guardian figure” (loosely interpreted for Baal). What is highlighted less, but I think can be inferred from narrative framing, is the ways in which their ambitions are mirrored, based on their trauma/fears. We see in the Harvest Festival that Iruma’s trauma centers on his loneliness–that people will leave him, particularly if he can’t live up to the role he’s been given (more on that when I write up how psychological dehumanization plays into the story, but the narrative is quite explicit on Iruma’s trauma & abuse/neglect). 

Extrapolating, we can see how loneliness is also at the root of Kirio’s choices. He’s been shunned by everyone, especially his own family, for his weakness. His mental break comes when the one person who would “smile at him” looks at him in despair. He explicitly approaches Baal “to look for those who are the same as me”--interesting that he seems to be reinterpreting his isolation as due to his “twisted nature” rather than his weakness now.   

So, both Iruma and Kirio are given a place to belong from a “guardian figure”. During this time, Iruma begins to unlearn some of the unhealthy ways he coped with loneliness (doing anything for anyone for any ounce of positive attention), while Kirio is encouraged to deepen his (seeking others’ despair, pulling them down to his level; more on this and Baal’s manipulation in another essay). 

Moving on, we can see how Iruma is antithetical to Kirio’s ambitions. Iruma is evidence that people can resist despair. He needs to make Iruma despair–it's not just "I want to see people despair and he won't give it to me"--for Kirio, despair is the organization of his life, explicitly stated as his “reason for living”. Kirio approaches Baal for community, says "I am broken," and Baal tells him that he is not a mistake, he is not alone, that the way he is is natural. Iruma calls all that into question. If despair is a choice people can avoid, then his identity collapses. It's not everyone's true nature--it's just him, he is alone, and he is a mistake. He could have chosen to resist despair, but he was either too weak or too twisted (either way, too broken) to manage it. The fandom gets distracted by the eroticism of cannibalism, but it is Iruma’s despair that is Kirio’s real goal. Whether Kirio realizes it or not, he needs Iruma to despair to justify his very existence.

Iruma’s Side and Existential Conflict

It may seem like Iruma cares so much about Kirio because of his issues prioritizing others over himself, but I believe his desire for Kirio is when he is at his most self-assured, and most selfish. After all, Iruma's ambitions are also impossible without Kirio returning to his side. 

Iruma wants to belong in the netherworld, wants to remain by his friends’ sides, and ultimately wants to create a kind netherworld where people are encouraged to grow–basically, to protect and spread the love and opportunity that he was given. Meeting Kirio is his first real glimpse at these ambitions (@naoke666 has a great tongue-in-cheek analysis of this), and also the first time he must confront the true opposition to this ambition. 

Here, I believe Kirio comes to represent the ultimate reality of demons for Iruma. He was warned about demons eating him from the beginning, but Kirio is his first actual exposure to the potential evils of the world that would make it uninhabitable for him. 

Kirio wants a cruel world. Sure, he's not the only one, but the others are adults who have chosen this path again and again. It's not just what Kirio does or wants, but the idea that he represents demon nature. So it’s not that Iruma wants Kirio back because he doesn’t see how fucked up Kirio is–Iruma needs Kirio back specifically because of that. If Kirio really is what he says he is–fundamentally and naturally sadistic–if demons really will always naturally be like him, then Iruma existing in the demon world he wants is impossible. Sure, he could become strong enough to fight them off, but that wouldn't be a kind world. Iruma could kill Kirio, but that would only prove that Iruma must kill to survive. If Kirio is right, then even if Iruma defeats him in terms of power, Iruma still won't have the world he wants. If Iruma gives up on Kirio, he will admit that there are times he will have to give up, and he declared in their first conflict that he wouldn’t give anything up.

For both of them, it's not enough to defeat each other--each one needs to prove the other wrong to survive on the path they've chosen. They are locked in a tug-of-war, trying to pull each other to their side because that is the only way their "side" can continue to coherently exist. If they don't pull the other to their side, then the new world they want to create can't come to be. While Kirio needs to pull Iruma down to him, to feel the same despair he does, Iruma needs to pull Kirio up with him to be able to create the kind netherworld he wants. 

I think it’s very narratively interesting to acknowledge that they are both epistemic/existential threats to each other. Obviously, Iruma’s is the happy outcome, but their desires for each other are still paralleled. In Kirio’s mind, Iruma “winning” would destroy him just as much as he plans to destroy Iruma–after all, Kirio believes that he can’t be anything other than what he is now, and if that were true, there would be no place for him in Iruma’s world.

Ultimately, though, I don't think this is a story that believes a child can just be fundamentally evil, and despite what we’re told about demon nature, what we’re consistently shown is that demons and humans aren’t very different–we all want to be loved, want to be acknowledged, want to strive. And even if you don’t buy any of this, Mairuma is a story about Iruma getting what he wants, and he wants Kirio. After all, Iruma declares that he loves demons, loves the demon world–Kirio, as the first person he truly recognizes as a demon, has to be there as well. (@mx-88 just posted a good Kirio redemption analysis you should check out as well.)

Anyway, that’s one Mairu-meta essay down. Hope to hear your thoughts/additions/polite contradictions!

[dre6ming]

The delicate beginning rush

Epilogue- Timeless

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Austin Butler x singer/actress fem reader

Warnings: fluff, mentions of alcohol, crying, pregnancy

Plot: finally after a long love story we get to see Y/n and Austin take their next step in their relationship and we have a few glimpses at what they’ve been through in the past 14 years

Word count: ~ 8400

Disclaimer: i didn’t have the patience in me to go and proof read this chapter, so just ignore the mistakes. I hope you can understand all the time jumps I did and I hope I was coherent enough

Timothee Chalamet

"I propose a toast for the lovely couple and I may be offered as much as a minute of your time I'd like to tell you what a great timeless love story we have before us... "

Taylor Swift *whispering*

"Hi I'm Taylor and we are now going to sneak up on the bride and see how she's doing. We're in this beautiful place, just south of Barcelona in Spain. It's currently

*looks down at the watch*

"10:34 am August 13th 2032..."

Timothee runs from the back and grabs the camera from Taylor laughing as he does so, taking a moment to look at himself in the small screen and fix his curly hair. "Hey, it was my turn with the camera.." Taylor jokingly says trying to grab the device back. "Well now it's mine... get in here Swift!" Timmy says turning around and catching Taylor in the picture. "As I was saying before, we are here to celebrate the wedding." Taylor says, glancing at Timmy with her best and most playful side eye. "And we were asked to film the most chaotic wedding video and I repeat chaos is mandatory." They both giggle as Timmy finishes up his sentence, before turning the camera back around to film the enchanting decorations, witch his friend has picked with most care and thought. The floral arrangements composed of daisies, purple star flowers and yellow dandelions formed a pathway to the small wooden house where all the magic was taking place now.

"Got cold feet yet sœur?" Timothee asks, making his way through the white curtains hanging form the door frame. He can see the back of her head, still that same 5.6' figure he saw 18 years ago, but yet different, her shoulders carrying a different cadence to them, the lines of her body talking about the yeast that passed. Her red hair friend was just in the middle of fixing the veil up in the intricate braid number she has going on. At the sound of her best friend's voice she turns around swiftly almost knocking to the ground Roxanne. "Timmy!" Y/n squeals hugging the one who's been like a brother to her, her face momentarily hitting the camera, the perfect moment for Taylor to steal it back. "Smile for the camera!" Taylor says as all 3 friends hug and smile to the lens. "I can't believe this is happening...fells so strange." Y/n sighs

Just then her mom makes her way into the room, looking at the watch in her wrist, very obviously annoyed with the small delays that showed up through out the day. "The cake will be here an hour later than it should, so I hope you have a good speech Tim." Her mom warns the curly haired boy, who suddenly feels slightly terrified. "I do ma'am." He nodded.

Taylor turns the camera filming the room, the mess on the make up vanity, the clothes thrown around, the pile of tissue clearly used to wipe away tears, everything looking out of a 2000 romance movie.

Billie Eilish

"Ey yo, I have the camera for the next few minutes and I thought it be a great moment to see this very wedding scene." Billie says making her way into the bathroom, where in one of the small stalls, Roxanne and y/n's mom hold up the puffy dress as the bride relieves herself. "Tell me this isn't the mort wedding scene ever. Hey there bride queen!" Billie waves to the clearly flustered girl, who tries to hide her face in the palm of her hands as the women around her laugh. "Enough with the embarrassment for the bride, I'm going find the groom, I've got my suspicions he's doing something ridiculous right now, bye ladies!" She exits the bathroom of the venue, her eyes searching for the blonde mess of hair that belongs to the groom.

After walking around for a minute she finds him hiding in the bushes, guitar in hand, sweating and shaking, as he snacks on some M&M he stole from the candy bar. "Hey there big guy!" Billie scares him, Austin taking a hand to his heart making sure it still beats. "Billie, Christ you scared me" the man laughed, loosing his bow tie the slightest bit. "Say hi to the camera, handsome boy!" Billie encourages pointing to the camera, as Austin awkwardly waves, a quivering smile ghosting his face. "What are you doing hiding in the bushes?" She asks, thinking if she should turn the camera off. "Talking myself up, I sang for her countless times, but it was never..." he breathes deep, before speaking again. "She was never my wife before, it's strange." Billie actually felt her heart heavy with joy for her dear friend, thinking that this is the one y/n chose to call forever. "Well she's still the same person she was 24 hours ago" she tries to calm his nerves, but the chuckle that leaves Austin's lips is mocking. "She's not, she's now my forever and I got to do right by her!" The blue eyed boy looks straight into the camera, the lens capturing the glimmer of true love in his orbs.

"Ok so play for the camera, she'll see it later!" Billie encourages him, as he picks up the guitar pick with shaky hands, clearing his voice once before hitting the cords of the instrument to form the most beautiful of sounds.

"Is it romantic how all my elegies, eulogies me..

I'm not cut out for all these clinical clones

These hunters with cellphones...

Take me to the lake where all the poets went to die, I don't belong and my beloved neither do you.

Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry

I'm setting off, but not without my muse..."

Austin proceeds to sing the whole song which he knew Y/n loved so much, but he couldn't help but add a small personal touch to it.

" I want auroras and sad prose

I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet

'Cause I haven't moved in years

And I want you right here

A dandelion grew up out of ice frozen ground

With no one around to tweet it

While I bathe in cliffside pools

With my calamitous love and insurmountable grief"

He changes the lyric, instead of the red rose Taylor originally mentioned, he sang their flower. The dandelions have become a symbol of their love and it all started with Y/n 10 years ago when she wrote the beautiful love song that he was now referencing. It wasn't rare that Austin went back to the things he knew she loved, mainly because he also loved them.

"Very well done Austin, think you can do that again in a few minutes?" Billie raises her brow at him, showing him that devilish smile of hers. Austin once again blushes a deep shade of maroon, licking his lips before laughing lightly. "How my darling wife Billie? Is she happy?" He asks, his eyes shining with wonder and excitement. "She was perfectly fine, peeing gracefully as ever.." Billie laughs biting her lip, before sitting down next to Austin, carefully trying not to her her dress covered in dirt. "She's perfectly happy Austin, trust me-" before Billie could say any more light footing was heard form a far, and then the thin figure o Timothee makes it's way out of the dark. "My turn!" He says to Billie, stretching his arm out for the camera in her hand.

Sighing she complies, giving his the recording device and leaving the two men peacefully. The silence grows thick, it was not so long ago that Timmy and Austin weren't the best of friends and Timmy had it out for Austin, but all that was a decade old and now the two were friends.

Timothee smiles at Austin turning the camera on, with out letting the blond man strumming the guitar know. He sits down in Billie's place, putting the camera down in the grass so that the angle might catch the two of them. Austin is to troubled by his own thoughts to notice that tho. "So man, you did it, you married her." Timmy says patting Austin on the back. Austin puts the guitar down next to him and rests his elbows on his knees, fidgeting with his long sleek fingers. "Feels unreal, to be fair I never thought she'd be ready for this, but then again I know I wouldn't have loved her any less if she hadn't." Looking up at the starry sky Austin remembered very clearly the night he first talked to Timmy about marrying Y/n.

...5 years ago...

Coming back from a short trip of visiting his sister and her family, Austin's pocket felt so heavy as he drove all the way to Timothee's apartment. In the pocket he had the ring his sister gave to him, he hadn't asked for it, but she gave it to him. It was their mom's ring and back when his mom was alive she gave it to Ashley so that she would give it to Austin.

Back then he asked her: why now? And why never back when he was in a decade long relationship with Vanessa? His sister had answered simple, looking out the window at Y/n who was playing in the pool with her kids, chatting with her husband and her and Austin's dad. She had said "I look at her and I see something I never thought I would see in any girl you would ever date, she completes you and you complete her. You both can work independently but together you thrive, she loves you honestly and you love he so. I don't know when you'll ask the question, but I know if you're ever going to ask it, it's her who's going to be asked, it has to be."

Driving now though New York, he could see his sister's eyes in the back of his mind, looking exactly like his moms, telling him with such truth that she believed Y/n was the one. Austin would lie if he said he was surprised, because he had known Y/n was the one, since he herd her voice filling the theater at the premiere of the movie that changed his life forever, just like she had.

He arrives at Timothee's place and lets himself inside, calling out for his friend. "Tim, hey man, I gotta talk to you about something.." Timmy appears in front of him in seconds, eyes curious about why Austin was here hours after returning from his and Y/n's trip to visit his sister. "Is y/n?!" Of course Timmy's first thought would be that Y/n was hurt or something, but Austin calms him down quickly. "She's fine, I just need to tell you something." Austin then pulls out the velvet box that was nicely sitting in his pocket and shows Timothee the gold ring. Timmy gasps, his eyes ready to fall out of their sockets. "Ok." Was all Tim could muster.

Sitting down at Timothee's kitchen table, Austin drinks his water slowly, looking at Timmy who's analyzing the ring, with his bows drawn together in concentration. Austin wishes now more than ever that he could read thoughts. "So you're going to ask her to marry you?" Timmy finally speaks, looking at Austin with a unreadable expression. Austin can feel himself breaking a sweat and taking a big gulp of water from his glass, he licks his lips, getting ready to speak. "Well.. actually.."

...present time...

"I remember the day you came to me with that ring, I saw it in your face, that you knew it was her ring, but you also knew that she wasn't ready to have it. Austin I believe there is a lot of things that need to go into a relationship for it to succeed, but watching you two I realized that when it's the right person it doesn't feel like an obligation or a dreadful effort. I know I have only seen the outside and I know there was great effort that the both of you put in, but you both seemed happy doing it." Timmy tells Austin, who fiddles with his wedding ring, as he remembers that day as well and how he explained why he knew that wasn't the time to propose, but that he would know when that time would be. Surprisingly to him, Timmy trusted him and kept the secret of the ring for 4 years, not once letting Y/n know that Austin had it. "There was a lot of effort, I was almost 30 when I met her, but I felt like I was 15, something in me didn't feel quite grown up yet and she was almost 20, but the things she had been through made her feel much older. I think we met perfectly in the middle and even on those nights that we went to bed mad at each other for some stupid thing, we still knew that when the first ray of light hit the ground we would make amends to each other." Austin speaks from the heart and he does it thinking of those times he saw tears in her eyes because he was less the respectable towards her, he can count those times on the fingers from both his hands, which in a decade long commitment doesn't seem like too much but to Austin it feels like a lot.

"People fight, my parents fought and so did hers, but they didn't love each other, so the best thing they could do was let it all fall apart, it's not the case with you two, you know it, she does as well, you'll be just fine and you'll be an awesome husband and maybe some day dad." Hearing those words Austin thinks back to his proposal and how much they both cried that night.

...1 year ago...

4 years, that's how long Austin held onto the ring his sister gave to him. Tonight however, it's finally time, he knows, he feels it deep inside his soul that she's finally ready to say yes to him. He feels the sweat gathering at the back of his neck, as his heart beats faster with each passing moment. Y/n is in the shower, getting ready for bed and he can hear her humming softly. The clock on her nightstand shows 1:34 am. He is sitting down on her bed, still dressed in his pants and shirt, the light smell of smoke and liquor hanging around him form the party, her birthday party, her 28th birthday party. He remembers being 28 and he remembers how lost he felt back then, how uncertain everything felt, beck then he was scared for his career, he was unhappy in his relationship and he felt like he had lost all control of his life, little did known that only a year later he would meet her. She brought him so much happiness and light and he can't see himself ever being without her again, he has already lived 29 long years without her.

As soon as he hears the door of the bathroom opening he springs up, hiding the small velvet box in his pant pocket, walking to the bathroom to take a shower himself. "Hi baby, did ya have a good shower?" He asks leaning down to touch his lips to hers, that funny feeling of bones turning to mush enveloping him whole in an instant. Y/n hums against his lips, holding tight onto the towel covering her. "I did, I'll wait for you in bed." She says to him, jokingly grabbing his ass and giving it a firm squeeze, making Austin jump a little, as she walks away giggling. He looks at her and her elegant walk, he loves her laugh and he loves the way the hair at the back of her neck sticks to her skin, he loves the way the small droplets of water that she missed when drying herself, shine in the light, making her look shimmery.

Austin tries to be as quick in the shower as he can, wanting to catch Y/n still awake. He had this proposal planned in his mind for months now and even though he rethought over and over again, afraid it would be too little, he always ended with the same conclusion, it was Y/n and he knew her, really knew her.

After drying his hair quickly with a towel and putting on his soft pajama shorts, taking the ring out of the pocket of his pants, he tiptoes his way to the living room. He takes a moment to admire the New York light from up here, he remembers the first time he saw those lights and he remembers how stupid he felt for having his heart set on someone so much younger than himself. He doesn't however remember ever thinking, back then, that he'd end up here, still with her, 9 years later.

Shaking himself awake for the daydreaming, he sits down at the large black piano, lifting the cover up and walking his long fingers along the cold keys. Taking a deep breath he starts playing, not wanting to be cheesy he spent days thinking about what song to sing to her, but he always came back to the same one, not being able to understand why, maybe it was because when Y/n wrote it with Joshua, she confessed to thinking about him.

Y/n Wrap me up in all your—,

I want ya

In my arms, oh, let me hold ya

I'll never let you go again like I did

Oh, I used to say

As his voice fills the room he hears her calling out his name, but he doesn't stop singing.

I would never fall in love again until I found her"

I said, "I would never fall unless it's you I fall into"

I was lost within the darkness, but then I found her

I found you

He hears the tiptoe of her bare feet against the marble floors in her apartment and he can already feel the tears stinging his eyes, as his emotions grow, forming a knot in his throat. "Austin?" Y/n questions coming into the room, but he doesn't turn his head to her no matter how much he wants to, he tells himself this is his challenge to get his Eurydice just like Orpheus did, so his shuts his eyes closed, forming the picture of Y/n in his mind as he keeps singing.

Heaven

When I held you again

How could

We ever just be friends?

I would rather die than let you go

Juliet to your Romeo

How I heard you say

Her voice accompanies his and he feels the salt streams travel down his cheeks and chin. Then he feels her hand on his shoulder and it's only now that he dares open his eyes and look at her.

"I would never fall in love again until I found her"

I said, "I would never fall unless it's you I fall into"

I was lost within thе darkness, but then I found her

I found you

The sing to each other, him with tears in his eyes and her with a compassionate, somewhat confused look. She takes his eyes off of his, when something in the corner of her eye, catches her attention. When she sees the gold dainty ring, she gasps loudly, taking a few steps back, covering her mouth with her hands in surprise. Over the years Austin had given her jewelry as gifts, even rings, but this ring, this one she knew. She had seen it in old pictures of Austin's mom. The ring was a meticulously designed gold band with a small ruby attached to it, it was even more beautiful in person.

Austin stops playing as soon as he sees her reaction, a million bad thoughts pass through his mind as he thinks that this was wrong. He wipes the tears away with the back of his hands, taking the velvet box in his hands and coming down form the piano bench to sit down on one knee in front of her. He clears his throat before speaking.

"I imagined this a thousand times, I never knew what I wanted to say exactly. I've been holding onto this ring for 4 years now and I couldn't tell you what made me believe that now is the time. Maybe something changed in you, maybe something changed in me, or maybe it was both of us that changed. I love you and I would be the happiest man to call you my wife and my partner in crime forever, however I want you to know baby, it's ok if this is not what you want, I love you regardless of a paper the legally binds us. I want you to understand that I will always be here, always. I am part of the family that you made, the family that will always show you love. So Y/n will you do me the extraordinary honor of marrying me?"

Y/n was speechless, she had not seen this coming. She remembers know, how she used to think about marriage and being a wife, all the bad thoughts about the subject coming from her dysfunctional family. But now, after 9 years of being loved by Austin her mind had changed.

"Yes, yes I will marry you Austin! With all my heart, it's always going to be 'yes' for you!" She says, crying and laughing at the same time.

With trembling hands Austin takes her left hand in his and put the ring on her finger. It's a perfect fit! So maybe it was fate all along. He jumps up to his feet and wraps his arms around her, lifting her off the ground and spinning her around. Holding her so tight, he could feel her heart beating against his. They were two pieces of puzzle, being put together in a perfect connection.

...present time a few hours before...

"Hi Y/n and Austin, this is Roxanne, and I am your bridesmaid-" "One of them" Taylor and Billie correct Roxanne, causing the ginger girl to huff jokingly. "Ok one of your bridesmaids. We are now on our way to find the bride and get her ready to go for her man." Roxy says to the camera, walking along the other three women, in the direction of the room where Y/n was patiently waiting for them. When they open the door the expect to find a stressed bride, but not a crying one. Roxanne cuts the video and puts the camera down, as they all rush to see what's happened.

"Y/n, my sweet girl what's wrong?" Y/n mom asks, hugging her daughter tightly, as the small framed girl shakes with cries. Y/n finds herself speechless less only shaking her head. Taylor hands her a glass of cold water, which she happily takes, drinking it all. "Can I talk with Roxy?" All women exchange a few questioning looks, before exiting the room and leaving the two best friends to talk. Roxanne gets up from her seat and immediately gets on her phone. "Ok so where are we running away to? We're in Spain, so anything in Europe should be easy, but if you want to go home or somewhere else that's fine too, I got the car up front, we don't need any bags we'll just buy new everything." Y/n breaks out laughing, which further confuses Roxanne, who really believed her best friend got cold feet and the secret escape plan they had only discussed once was afoot.

"Rox I'm not crying because I want to run away, I'm crying because I am so grateful, growing up I never thought you could be happy and in love, I thought that was fiction. I never thought a boy would make me blush, would make my heart skip a beat, I never thought I'd fall for a guy. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and..." saying the last part y/n got a big lump in her throat and wiping away a few more tears she took a deep breath. "I'm going to tell you something and I need you to never say it to anyone." Y/n says being as serious as ever, looking straight at her best friend. "I swear, I won't, you know you can tell me everything." Roxanne assures her, sitting down next to Y/n. "Matt just called, they needed to kick my dad out, because he was already drunk out of his mind." Roxanne feels herself get worried, she knows this was Y/n biggest fear, because even with all the rehab work that she payed for, her dad did not seem able to drop the alcohol, he had promised her that how would for this day only so that he could walk her down the aisle, but that seems to be long gone now. "I'm so sorry" Y/n shakes her head not letting her friend get all sad and weepy about this.

"Don't be, I did my best, I really did, some people just don't want an out or they just can't, I don't think I care to know anymore. I just don't want mom to know about this, Matt is going to walk me down the aisle and we'll say dad's flight got cancelled." Y/n says before putting some eye drops in her eyes to help with the redness form crying. The two of them settled on this agreement and after hugging it out, Roxy let everyone back in the room, so that they could get the blushing bride ready.

Standing now at the other end of the aisle, where no one could yet see her, she feels the cold feet everyone has been talking about, but it was a different kind. Y/n knows she loves Austin, she knows he's the one, but the ever present question still stands: "Will marriage ruin them?". She remembers being young and just like any curious kid asking her mom about how she met her dad, it was before the fighting between them was an everyday occurrence. Her mom described someone so different from the man Y/n knew as her dad, so in her little mind she made the connection that marriage was what ruined them, then as she grew up when her parents would fight, her dad had this thing he always said: "it's been 9 torturous years" (y/n was 9) "it's been 10 horror years" (y/n was 10) "it's been 16 fucking ruined years of my life" (y/n was 16), her parents had her 7 years after getting married. At first she thought the years were just a weird coincidence, but they matched with every passing year, so she made the second obvious connection, SHE had ruined them.

Someone touching her arm gets her out of her trance, it's Matt, smiling down at her, looking so happy and proud. "I am so proud of you Y/n I've watched you grow up since you were 8 years old and I admire the woman you are now." She opens her mouth to respond but she doesn't get to, as the music started playing. "I won't let you fall, I promise" Matt whispers as they start walking in the direction of her future husband.

As they round the corner and she can finally see him, in his black suit with his caramel hair sticking in place, with his ocean blue eyes staring at her like she's the most precious thing on earth, all the doubt in her mind goes away and she knows, she knows she'll be fine.

Looking into his eyes, she can't even tell how or when she got face to face with him and it's not until Matt puts her hand in Austin's that she feels two things at the same time. She feels extremely happy and ready to make this man hers forever, but she feels the absence of her father now more than ever. "I got you, my darling!" Austin mouths to her, bringing her heart to life inside her chest, making her forget everything. Y/n nods her head at him and stepping face to face with him she smiles.

"I was blind, walking through life with tunnel vision, wanting to see only what's straight ahead of me, always focused on the next thing, never alive in the moment, then I saw you, standing in a crowded room, looking so perfect and beautiful. I bumped into you on purpose and after a few words you made my tunnel vision extend, day by day, moment by moment you made me see more, you took away my blindness and showed me the world, showed me what the quiet things in life give you, showed me what balanced is and you kept me up. I love you and I can't imagine a more perfect someone for me than you, my darling." Austin says his vows with tears in his eyes, looking at her and she feels herself wanting to start sobbing, but refrains from that, knowing it's soon to be her time, for her vows.

Clearing her throat before speaking Y/n gives the vows a quick assessment in her head. "Never blush just because a guy smiles at you, never think about a boy, never have a crush, never make the first move, never fall in love - are all affirmations I wrote in my diary as a girl thinking love was just fiction and every guy out there just wanted me for some ulterior motive, not because I was worthy of love. But then, then came Austin, with his Prince Charming smile and his perfect hair... with his soul and humor, with his heart. His heart that has been laid out to me, for me to love and take care of and for that I am so honored. I can't express how relieved I am that all I was afraid of, never came true and that all I wished to never happen, like falling in love, did happen. People find each other in the most wonderful of ways, Austin has 80% of the credit, I get 20% for looking beautiful in a crowded room."

After the vows are said, the officiant reads a few more things, before finally saying. "You may now kiss the bride." And Austin does. Leaning in, pulling Y/n flush to his chest, trying his best not to comb his hands through her neatly styled hair. It's weird how in the time they've known each other, they have kissed multiple times a day, but yet this kiss right now? This feels like the first kiss, like the best kiss, like a kiss that sealed it forever.

A few hours later everyone is sitting down at the tables, watching Timmy give his speech, one of the many speeches that were expected tonight.

"To be honest I never thought I'd be making this speech. Of course somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that the possibility was there, but I preferred to stick to that little 11 year old girl who had problems producing her "R-s"" everyone giggles at Timmy's comment about your past speech problems and you wish to be mad at him for ever disclosing such a big secret, but looking at him, fiddling with his mic, you can't. "She was always so down to earth and focused, she did have a habit of getting stuck in her head, still does, then one spring it all changed. My best friend and sister, was blushing at her phone, writing love songs, daydreaming even in the middle of conversations." Thinking back at her self, Y/n does now realize that's exactly how she acted. "I didn't give it to much thought, thinking it was just a passing thing, but it obviously wasn't, since we're all here." Austin leans in to whisper a sweet 'I love you' his hot breath brushing her neck, making shivers travel down her spine as Timmy went on with his speech. "I still remember the day I found out about that prick over there." He says pointing at Austin, who tries to playfully hide his face with the palm of his hand as Taylor turns the camera to them for a second.

Timothee giggles brushing a hand through his hair. "I never wanted to kill somebody like I did that day. I mean you have to give it to me, she was my girl, my little sister. But I'm happy to say that Austin proved himself to be quite the catch, nice looking guy, tall, sweet, funny.." "I love you too Timothee!" Austin shouts, making everyone erupt with laughter. "Yeah yeah, Y/n actually slipped me a 20 asking that I say all this, you know, keep that in mind before your head explodes." Timmy jokes and Y/n smiles knowing she didn't give him any money and all he was saying was in fact coming from the heart. "I was lucky enough to witness this love story, see it evolve and I was always so captivated by this 6th sense they seem to have about each other. Y/n doesn't actually know this, and with Austin's blessing I'm telling you, that he actually had the ring he proposed with for 4 years before he finally popped the question." Y/n was somehow not surprised to find this out, she had the feeling that Austin had been ready for all this way sooner than she was, but that he had waited for her. She looks at her now husband, taking him his features and noticing every new wrinkle that decorates his face, his smile lines had gotten a lot more pronounced, a sign that the two shared many laughs together.

"And he came to me, walked into my apartment and showed me the ring. I was taken back, I didn't know what he wanted from me. Was he looking for my blessing? Did he want to know if I thought you were ready for marriage? Imma be honest with you Y/n nothing had actually prepared me for what came out of his mouth and the only person who anticipated it was you actually, just a few weeks prior." Both y/n and Austin are confused, they don't know this part of the story and are now eager to find out what Tim means .

"See 5 years ago, a few weeks before Austin came to me with the ring, Y/n and I were in Vegas, Austin was also with us, we were there to celebrate the wedding of our dear friends Taylor and Joe, but that specific moment I'm thinking about Austin wasn't with us, he was back at the hotel." Timmy looks at Y/n as if to say 'do you remember?' And she nods, remembering exactly the talk they had.

...5 years ago Las Vegas...

Walking in the summer heat in Vegas was definitely an experience, only very few places are open at this time of the day so it's pretty quiet, no need for security, just a nice walk with her best friend, before the wedding of her friend and mentor Taylor. All the wedding fuss has made Y/n think about the whole situation again, she hasn't done it in a long time, since that night at the Oscar's, when Vanessa brought the subject up. Now 5 years passed and she can admit to loving Austin just as much, if not more, of that were even possible.

Passing the stores she looks into the window displays as Timmy tells her about something, she can't remember what, because she stopped paying attention to him long ago, getting stuck in her own head. One window shop in particular makes her stop in her way, it's a small wedding boutique, the dresses displayed aren't necessarily anything she would wear, but the sight of them makes her stop mid step . Timothee notices she's stopped so he does the same, following her eyes to the dresses. A million questions get assembled in his brain as the two stare at the white fluffy dresses.

"Would you marry him?" Timmy asks in a low voice. Y/n takes a deep breath. "Some day, yes! If he'd ask me today I'd probably say 'no', but if he asks me in 3-4 years, I'll say 'yes' with all my heart" she was being very serious and Timmy had to ask. "Why 3 or 4 years? What's that number?" Y/n shrugs her shoulders and returns to walking, brushing her hair behind her ear. "I couldn't tell you, I'm just not ready yet, I feel like he is though, I've seen him looking at the rings in jewelry shops every time we pass one and I can somehow feel it in him, I can't explain." She is rendered speechless as she tries to put words together. "And do you think he knows? That you're not ready?" Timmy asks.

Just as on cue Austin walks out of their hotel, noticing the two friends walking and waving at them before walking their way. She looks at him with bright eyes, her whole face lighting up at the sight of him. "He does."

...present time...

"'He does!' Was all she said, before he reached us and we never spoke about it again. I saw back then that she could see herself dressed into one of those gowns shaped like a pastry and I saw it hurt to admit that she was not ready for it, but I also saw how much comfort it gave her, that she knew Austin understood. Now why I say she's the only person to anticipate Austin is because of the talk he and I had when he showed up with the ring also 5 years ago, but weeks after my talk with Y/n."

...5 years ago...

"So you're going to ask her to marry you?" Timmy finally speaks, looking at Austin with a unreadable expression. Austin can feel himself breaking a sweat and taking a big gulp of water from his glass, he licks his lips, getting ready to speak. "Well.. actually.. I know she's not ready." Timmy let's out a relieved breath, because he was only thinking back to his talk with Y/n and he knew that if Austin were to answer differently, he would have had to be the one to tell him, what Y/n said to him back in Vegas. "She not ready, but I am, I think I've been for a while now." Timmy remembers her saying exactly that, that Austin is ready, so now Timmy's only fear is that Y/n was wrong and Austin wasn't going to wait for her, that he was going to leave her over this. "I'm going to wait, I'll see it in her eyes when she's ready, I can't say when that will be? Maybe 3 or 4 years."

...present time...

"'Maybe 3 or 4 years.' The fucker knew, how he knew I couldn't tell you. But that's why I told you all of this, because they've always known and they've been one step ahead of each other. There is no logical explanation other than the fact that they were meant for each other. I love you sœur and I'm happy that you found your person." Tears bream Timmy's eyes as he gives the microphone to Taylor, going straight to Y/n to hug both her and Austin.

Taylor waits for the moment to calm and then she smiles brightly at the couple. "I met Y/n when she was 16, a very difficult age, when you go through a lot of challenges and changes. I think part of why I was so attracted to her as a human being was because I saw myself in her. After meeting her I had promised myself to keep in touch, to guide her as much as I could, maybe this way she would not make my mistakes. So imagine my surprise when she walked into one of my studio sessions and she wrote an entire Love verse, only to later admit to me in the car, teary eyed, that it was about Austin. I was happy for her, but I was also terrified, he was her first love and that is a very important title, because you never forget it. Somehow all the stars aligned and she met the one who seems to be forever. A few months into her relationship with Austin, she and I found ourselves back into the studio and we were re-recording my version of Speak Now, on there I have this vault song, called "timeless" . After I played her that song she started crying and she said to me 'Sing this when I get married!' So I'd be a bad friend to not do it."

Taylor gets down at the piano that the band used and starts playing the cords of the song Y/n loves so much. Austin grabs her hand and guides Y/n to the center of the dancing ring, pulling her into his chest and swaying away to the sound of the song. Eyes locked into hers, he smiles at Y/n and both of them know that they really were timeless and that soon years would've passed and they would looks back at the pictures smiling, because even in a different life she would've turned his head in a crowded room.

...4 years after the wedding...

Life takes us on mysterious roads, some bumpy, some slippery and some easy going, but never boring. She was 19 and he was 29 when the met, it all seemed so forbidden and wrong, neither of them had the courage to dream to a future so unbelievable as the one they are living in.

"Austin don't get her wet, I didn't bring a change of clothes!" Y/n shouts at her husband, as he walks hand in hand with their 2 year old straight to the water. "Don't worry, I won't!" Austin shouts back laughing and Y/n closes her eyes, knowing full well that he definitely will. She enjoys the warm weather of September in L.A., angling her face towards the shy sun, as she pats her stomach, that has yet to start showing her pregnancy, event though she can swear that she feels the tiniest bit of a baby bump. She hasn't told Austin yet, but she's thinking of doing it soon, maybe today. She still remembers the day she told him about Manon.

... 3 years ago...

For the past week Y/n has been feeling like something was off, like she was just waiting for a cold to catch up to her and put her in bed for a few days. So she thought it's better to get ahead of it, that's why she's now in the waiting room at the doctor with Matt, Austin was away filming and she didn't feel like driving.

When her name gets called in she gets up and goes to talk with the doctor. After a short talk her doctor hands her a pink box and instructs her to go into the bathroom. Y/n has missed periods before, because of stress and just because periods are sometimes irregular. Her and Austin were using condoms and she doesn't remember it ever breaking or them forgetting to use one. Her anxiety is through the roof as the nurse draws her blood while she and the doctor wait for the test to come with an answer. "Here you go mrs Butler!" The doctor says when the timer beeps, but Y/n doesn't have the courage to look, asking the doctor to do it. "Well this one seems to be a positive, we will also do the blood test to confirm, but if you are comfortable I have an ultrasound and we could have a look." Y/n agrees and after getting her blood drawn, she lays down on the table with her shirt up, as the doctor puts the gel on her lower abdomen.

The doctor turns the screen to her and she doesn't really understand what she's looking at, until the doctor points to a white dot in the sea of black. "That I would say is a healthy pregnancy at about 5-6 weeks."

She leaves the doctor's office white in the face, which concerns Matt a bit, but he doesn't ask more than 'are you ok?' Knowing that she'll tell him when it's time for him to know.

Y/n lived the next 3 days until the last test came back as a zombie, not really talking or eating. Even Austin noticed the difference through the phone, but he could leave the set of the movie he was directing so he was counting on Timmy to tell him what's happening, only no one knew.

Straight after the blood work confirmed that she was in fact pregnant she drove herself that day to her gynecologist and she did all the tests possible, there was no doubt, she was going to be a mom. She cried in her car all the way back to her place and then cried for another few hours in her bed, clutching to her chest the tiny black and white pictures the doctor had given her. She was scared, scared of not being a good enough mom.

When she calmed down, Y/n picked up the phone and called Austin's phone, not caring that with the time difference he was sleeping. "Y/n?!" Austin responded in his sleepy voice and she broke down crying just hearing his voice. "Come home!" Was all she said before closing the phone on him and crying again.

Austin jumped up in bed, took his phone and documents in a small backpack, called his manager James and had him book the first flight back to New York City. He drove like a mad man, making it to the gate of the plane last. The 5 hour long flight felt like forever and the 50 minute drive from the airport back to Y/n's place felt like torture. When he walked in he was greeted by their pets, 4 cats and 2 dogs, but no sight in Y/n. His heart was racing and going to their bedroom he found her asleep, for a second he feared that she was dead, but then he saw her chest move with each breath and calmed down. "Y/n!" Austin said desperately, kneeling next to her bed and caressing her face. She opened her eyes with a flutter of her lashes, handing him the crinkled up picture that she was holding to her chest. Austin knew what it was, he had seen this type of picture at his sister, at his friends and even at Roxanne 2 years ago when she and Joshua had their son.

His blue eyes looked at her, scared to ask, but hopeful. "I'm pregnant!"

... present ...

Her calm is disturbed by the squeaking of her daughter, Manon and the laughter of her husband. Y/n opens her eyes, just in time to see Manon escape her father's arms and runs straight into the water. Austin is quick to catch her but not before she gets all wet, so he's now bringing a very upset, drenched little lady, to her mama. Y/n pull up the big beach towel and taking of her daughter's wet clothes, she wraps her up in the fluffy towel, holding her close. Austin sits next to them cuddling close, the two parents squishing their kid into a sandwich of love.

"Told you!" Y/n tells him giggling and he smiles in disbelief, shaking his head, leaning in to touch his lips to hers. Even now 13 years later the meet of their lips makes the two of them melt from the inside like it was the first time. "I love you!" He says, peppering kisses all over her face, to the shell of her ear, making her shiver, a soft whimper leaving her lips. Austin pulls back and looks at the blonde girl wrapped up in the beach towel, sleeping soundlessly. These two girls right here, are his whole world and his heart actually aches with how much love his has for them. He sees Y/n in every feature of their daughter and he's so happy to be a dad. Just then like struck by lightning Austin looks up at Y/n, who just like him, was looking at the small child sleeping. He could look at Y/n forever, she always looked so beautiful. Now that he was 44 he could see the age catching up to him when he looked in the mirror, but she, she looked like she did all those years ago when she stole his heart without even knowing. "Can we have another?" Austin finds himself saying before he can stop the words from leaving his mouth.

Y/n looks up at him in surprise and smiles. "Already beat you to it!" She laughs taking his big hand in hers and guiding it over her stomach. "Really? But we?" "We weren't trying" was what he wanted to say and Y/n nods knowingly. "We didn't the first time, maybe we should sue the condom company." She jokes and they both laugh.

Watching the sunset together all felt right, everything felt like it was supposed to. Austin and Y/n have everything they dreamed and more, life always finding ways of surprising them in the most beautiful of ways. And the both reminisce over the past 14 years, thinking back to the Delicate beginning rush, that started it all and being thankful for all the stars that aligned in their advantage.

"I love you my darlings!" Austin says, kissing Y/n’s temple.

The end!

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