#techno JD

[a-lump-of-clay]

HE IS COLOURED- also happy new year!!!

[a-lump-of-clay]

TECHNO JD JUMPSCARE-

Dory verse: The arm saga

part 3

Part 1

Part 2

All the JD au B]

Gray JD belongs to @ijjstlostthegame

Brotherhood JD belongs to @tea0w0stache and @0ketlyn-s

Crystal JD belongs to @tea0w0stache

World tour JD belongs to @year2000electronics

Eldest and Youngest belongs to @matmiraculous

Unusual Brother JD belongs to @matmiraculous and @ijjstlostthegame

Black Falcon JD belongs to @trolls-with-tails

Techno JD belongs to @a-lump-of-clay

Feral JD is my goblin :P

(I always feel bad @ ing everyone but gotta give that credit because all these aus are bangers)

[odinsblog]

Vance has had a six-figure stake in Rumble, an online video platform. The company has played host to Russian propaganda and to far-right personalities like Stew Peters and Tim Pool. It has also featured even more extreme content, including explicitly neo-Nazi images and themes like this song touting the “Reich” and calling for Jews to be placed in ovens from a “dissident rapper” with a dedicated page on the site. The site features a plethora of channels and videos dedicated to the concept of “white genocide,” which is a core belief for white supremacists. It also hosts channels for explicitly white supremacist organizations including VDare and Patriot Front, which has led masked demonstrations around the country.

(continue reading)

[secretlizzycookie]

Ramdom headcanons

•JD knows how to sew and has been mending his clothes for years.

•King Trollex sent the technos who had lost something or someone to Trollstopia so they could forgive and get over what happened on the world tour.

•trollex decided to have synth as their delegate because they knew that his relaxed and friendly attitude would make things more bearable for the techno who came to trollstopia.

•Clay knows how to fight well, although he acts a little clumsy when necessary, he defends himself.

•Clay didn't agree with viva so much about the outside and her rule of not letting anyone out, but he understands why and knows that the rules were made for a reason.

•The first time Trollex met Synth he was a little scared since he wasn't as friendly as he is now (but eventually they became very good friends).

•Dj suki knows that everyone makes mistakes but he is still afraid of disappointing his friends

•Villa Pop initially avoided branch because they feared that the same thing would happen to them with the passage of time. They realized that this was not the case but they still rejected it.

•Bruce believes that the most complicated thing about having thirteen children is finding a name for each one (they ran out of ideas a little quickly)

•the funks may be the most advanced in some ways but they still curl up when they sleep

•r&b are so connected that sometimes they share dreams, they have investigated it a little but there is not much they can do yet

•rock trolls are spiteful by nature

•synth seeks to have fun to ignore his problems or worries

[luna--dragon]

Trolls AU where Branch and his brothers are adopted (somehow(still figuring that part out))

Branch is Country, Floyd is Rock, Clay is Funk, Bruce is Classical and John Dory is Techno

[stoneyocean]

Stoneyocean.com

[pollyseraph]

PARTY JADE DRAGON DJ ZENG3 por Polly OMG Via Flickr: 🐉 Tɦє Jʌɗє Dɾʌʛơɲ 🐉 •🎧: ϯ Zᴇɴɢ3 Rᴀᴅɪᴋᴀʟ ϯ •🎼: Techno •⏰: 11:00am - 12:30pm SLT •💎: 💎 Visit this location at Jade Dragon Club in Second Life

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Autoenshittification

Forget F1: the only car race that matters now is the race to turn your car into a digital extraction machine, a high-speed inkjet printer on wheels, stealing your private data as it picks your pocket. Your car’s digital infrastructure is a costly, dangerous nightmare — but for automakers in pursuit of postcapitalist utopia, it’s a dream they can’t give up on.

Your car is stuffed full of microchips, a fact the world came to appreciate after the pandemic struck and auto production ground to a halt due to chip shortages. Of course, that wasn’t the whole story: when the pandemic started, the automakers panicked and canceled their chip orders, only to immediately regret that decision and place new orders.

But it was too late: semiconductor production had taken a serious body-blow, and when Big Car placed its new chip orders, it went to the back of a long, slow-moving line. It was a catastrophic bungle: microchips are so integral to car production that a car is basically a computer network on wheels that you stick your fragile human body into and pray.

The car manufacturers got so desperate for chips that they started buying up washing machines for the microchips in them, extracting the chips and discarding the washing machines like some absurdo-dystopian cyberpunk walnut-shelling machine:

https://www.autoevolution.com/news/desperate-times-companies-buy-washing-machines-just-to-rip-out-the-chips-187033.html

These digital systems are a huge problem for the car companies. They are the underlying cause of a precipitous decline in car quality. From touch-based digital door-locks to networked sensors and cameras, every digital system in your car is a source of endless repair nightmares, costly recalls and cybersecurity vulnerabilities:

https://www.reuters.com/business/autos-transportation/quality-new-vehicles-us-declining-more-tech-use-study-shows-2023-06-22/

What’s more, drivers hate all the digital bullshit, from the janky touchscreens to the shitty, wildly insecure apps. Digital systems are drivers’ most significant point of dissatisfaction with the automakers’ products:

https://www.theverge.com/23801545/car-infotainment-customer-satisifaction-survey-jd-power

Even the automakers sorta-kinda admit that this is a problem. Back in 2020 when Massachusetts was having a Right-to-Repair ballot initiative, Big Car ran these unfuckingbelievable scare ads that basically said, “Your car spies on you so comprehensively that giving anyone else access to its systems will let murderers stalk you to your home and kill you:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/03/rip-david-graeber/#rolling-surveillance-platforms

But even amid all the complaining about cars getting stuck in the Internet of Shit, there’s still not much discussion of why the car-makers are making their products less attractive, less reliable, less safe, and less resilient by stuffing them full of microchips. Are car execs just the latest generation of rubes who’ve been suckered by Silicon Valley bullshit and convinced that apps are a magic path to profitability?

Nope. Car execs are sophisticated businesspeople, and they’re surfing capitalism’s latest — and last — hot trend: dismantling capitalism itself.

Now, leftists have been predicting the death of capitalism since The Communist Manifesto, but even Marx and Engels warned us not to get too frisky: capitalism, they wrote, is endlessly creative, constantly reinventing itself, re-emerging from each crisis in a new form that is perfectly adapted to the post-crisis reality:

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/31/books/review/a-spectre-haunting-china-mieville.html

But capitalism has finally run out of gas. In his forthcoming book, Techno Feudalism: What Killed Capitalism, Yanis Varoufakis proposes that capitalism has died — but it wasn’t replaced by socialism. Rather, capitalism has given way to feudalism:

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/451795/technofeudalism-by-varoufakis-yanis/9781847927279

Under capitalism, capital is the prime mover. The people who own and mobilize capital — the capitalists — organize the economy and take the lion’s share of its returns. But it wasn’t always this way: for hundreds of years, European civilization was dominated by rents, not markets.

A “rent” is income that you get from owning something that other people need to produce value. Think of renting out a house you own: not only do you get paid when someone pays you to live there, you also get the benefit of rising property values, which are the result of the work that all the other homeowners, business owners, and residents do to make the neighborhood more valuable.

The first capitalists hated rent. They wanted to replace the “passive income” that landowners got from taxing their serfs’ harvest with active income from enclosing those lands and grazing sheep in order to get wool to feed to the new textile mills. They wanted active income — and lots of it.

Capitalist philosophers railed against rent. The “free market” of Adam Smith wasn’t a market that was free from regulation — it was a market free from rents. The reason Smith railed against monopolists is because he (correctly) understood that once a monopoly emerged, it would become a chokepoint through which a rentier could cream off the profits he considered the capitalist’s due:

https://locusmag.com/2021/03/cory-doctorow-free-markets/

Today, we live in a rentier’s paradise. People don’t aspire to create value — they aspire to capture it. In Survival of the Richest, Doug Rushkoff calls this “going meta”: don’t provide a service, just figure out a way to interpose yourself between the provider and the customer:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/09/13/collapse-porn/#collapse-porn

Don’t drive a cab, create Uber and extract value from every driver and rider. Better still: don’t found Uber, invest in Uber options and extract value from the people who invest in Uber. Even better, invest in derivatives of Uber options and extract value from people extracting value from people investing in Uber, who extract value from drivers and riders. Go meta.

This is your brain on the four-hour-work-week, passive income mind-virus. In Techno Feudalism, Varoufakis deftly describes how the new “Cloud Capital” has created a new generation of rentiers, and how they have become the richest, most powerful people in human history.

Shopping at Amazon is like visiting a bustling city center full of stores — but each of those stores’ owners has to pay the majority of every sale to a feudal landlord, Emperor Jeff Bezos, who also decides which goods they can sell and where they must appear on the shelves. Amazon is full of capitalists, but it is not a capitalist enterprise. It’s a feudal one:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/28/enshittification/#relentless-payola

This is the reason that automakers are willing to enshittify their products so comprehensively: they were one of the first industries to decouple rents from profits. Recall that the reason that Big Car needed billions in bailouts in 2008 is that they’d reinvented themselves as loan-sharks who incidentally made cars, lending money to car-buyers and then “securitizing” the loans so they could be traded in the capital markets.

Even though this strategy brought the car companies to the brink of ruin, it paid off in the long run. The car makers got billions in public money, paid their execs massive bonuses, gave billions to shareholders in buybacks and dividends, smashed their unions, fucked their pensioned workers, and shipped jobs anywhere they could pollute and murder their workforce with impunity.

Car companies are on the forefront of postcapitalism, and they understand that digital is the key to rent-extraction. Remember when BMW announced that it was going to rent you the seatwarmer in your own fucking car?

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/02/big-river/#beemers

Not to be outdone, Mercedes announced that they were going to rent you your car’s accelerator pedal, charging an extra $1200/year to unlock a fully functional acceleration curve:

https://www.theverge.com/2022/11/23/23474969/mercedes-car-subscription-faster-acceleration-feature-price

This is the urinary tract infection business model: without digitization, all your car’s value flowed in a healthy stream. But once the car-makers add semiconductors, each one of those features comes out in a painful, burning dribble, with every button on that fakakta touchscreen wired directly into your credit-card.

But it’s just for starters. Computers are malleable. The only computer we know how to make is the Turing Complete Von Neumann Machine, which can run every program we know how to write. Once they add networked computers to your car, the Car Lords can endlessly twiddle the knobs on the back end, finding new ways to extract value from you:

https://doctorow.medium.com/twiddler-1b5c9690cce6

That means that your car can track your every movement, and sell your location data to anyone and everyone, from marketers to bounty-hunters looking to collect fees for tracking down people who travel out of state for abortions to cops to foreign spies:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/n7enex/tool-shows-if-car-selling-data-privacy4cars-vehicle-privacy-report

Digitization supercharges financialization. It lets car-makers offer subprime auto-loans to desperate, poor people and then killswitch their cars if they miss a payment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U2eDJnwz_s

Subprime lending for cars would be a terrible business without computers, but digitization makes it a great source of feudal rents. Car dealers can originate loans to people with teaser rates that quickly blow up into payments the dealer knows their customer can’t afford. Then they repo the car and sell it to another desperate person, and another, and another:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/27/boricua/#looking-for-the-joke-with-a-microscope

Digitization also opens up more exotic options. Some subprime cars have secondary control systems wired into their entertainment system: miss a payment and your car radio flips to full volume and bellows an unstoppable, unmutable stream of threats. Tesla does one better: your car will lock and immobilize itself, then blare its horn and back out of its parking spot when the repo man arrives:

https://tiremeetsroad.com/2021/03/18/tesla-allegedly-remotely-unlocks-model-3-owners-car-uses-smart-summon-to-help-repo-agent/

Digital feudalism hasn’t stopped innovating — it’s just stopped innovating good things. The digital device is an endless source of sadistic novelties, like the cellphones that disable your most-used app the first day you’re late on a payment, then work their way down the other apps you rely on for every day you’re late:

https://restofworld.org/2021/loans-that-hijack-your-phone-are-coming-to-india/

Usurers have always relied on this kind of imaginative intimidation. The loan-shark’s arm-breaker knows you’re never going to get off the hook; his goal is in intimidating you into paying his boss first, liquidating your house and your kid’s college fund and your wedding ring before you default and he throws you off a building.

Thanks to the malleability of computerized systems, digital arm-breakers have an endless array of options they can deploy to motivate you into paying them first, no matter what it costs you:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/02/innovation-unlocks-markets/#digital-arm-breakers

Car-makers are trailblazers in imaginative rent-extraction. Take VIN-locking: this is the practice of adding cheap microchips to engine components that communicate with the car’s overall network. After a new part is installed in your car, your car’s computer does a complex cryptographic handshake with the part that requires an unlock code provided by an authorized technician. If the code isn’t entered, the car refuses to use that part.

VIN-locking has exploded in popularity. It’s in your iPhone, preventing you from using refurb or third-party replacement parts:

https://doctorow.medium.com/apples-cement-overshoes-329856288d13

It’s in fuckin’ ventilators, which was a nightmare during lockdown as hospital techs nursed their precious ventilators along by swapping parts from dead systems into serviceable ones:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/3azv9b/why-repair-techs-are-hacking-ventilators-with-diy-dongles-from-poland

And of course, it’s in tractors, along with other forms of remote killswitch. Remember that feelgood story about John Deere bricking the looted Ukrainian tractors whose snitch-chips showed they’d been relocated to Russia?

https://doctorow.medium.com/about-those-kill-switched-ukrainian-tractors-bc93f471b9c8

That wasn’t a happy story — it was a cautionary tale. After all, John Deere now controls the majority of the world’s agricultural future, and they’ve boobytrapped those ubiquitous tractors with killswitches that can be activated by anyone who hacks, takes over, or suborns Deere or its dealerships.

Control over repair isn’t limited to gouging customers on parts and service. When a company gets to decide whether your device can be fixed, it can fuck you over in all kinds of ways. Back in 2019, Tim Apple told his shareholders to expect lower revenues because people were opting to fix their phones rather than replace them:

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2019/01/letter-from-tim-cook-to-apple-investors/

By usurping your right to decide who fixes your phone, Apple gets to decide whether you can fix it, or whether you must replace it. Problem solved — and not just for Apple, but for car makers, tractor makers, ventilator makers and more. Apple leads on this, even ahead of Big Car, pioneering a “recycling” program that sees trade-in phones shredded so they can’t possibly be diverted from an e-waste dump and mined for parts:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/yp73jw/apple-recycling-iphones-macbooks

John Deere isn’t sleeping on this. They’ve come up with a valuable treasure they extract when they win the Right-to-Repair: Deere singles out farmers who complain about its policies and refuses to repair their tractors, stranding them with six-figure, two-ton paperweight:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/05/31/dealers-choice/#be-a-shame-if-something-were-to-happen-to-it

The repair wars are just a skirmish in a vast, invisible fight that’s been waged for decades: the War On General-Purpose Computing, where tech companies use the law to make it illegal for you to reconfigure your devices so they serve you, rather than their shareholders:

https://memex.craphound.com/2012/01/10/lockdown-the-coming-war-on-general-purpose-computing/

The force behind this army is vast and grows larger every day. General purpose computers are antithetical to technofeudalism — all the rents extracted by technofeudalists would go away if others (tinkereres, co-ops, even capitalists!) were allowed to reconfigure our devices so they serve us.

You’ve probably noticed the skirmishes with inkjet printer makers, who can only force you to buy their ink at 20,000% markups if they can stop you from deciding how your printer is configured:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/07/inky-wretches/#epson-salty But we’re also fighting against insulin pump makers, who want to turn people with diabetes into walking inkjet printers:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/10/loopers/#hp-ification

And companies that make powered wheelchairs:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/08/chair-ish/#r2r

These companies start with people who have the least agency and social power and wreck their lives, then work their way up the privilege gradient, coming for everyone else. It’s called the “shitty technology adoption curve”:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/21/great-taylors-ghost/#solidarity-or-bust

Technofeudalism is the public-private-partnership from hell, emerging from a combination of state and private action. On the one hand, bailing out bankers and big business (rather than workers) after the 2008 crash and the covid lockdown decoupled income from profits. Companies spent billions more than they earned were still wildly profitable, thanks to those public funds.

But there’s also a policy dimension here. Some of those rentiers’ billions were mobilized to both deconstruct antitrust law (allowing bigger and bigger companies and cartels) and to expand “IP” law, turning “IP” into a toolsuite for controlling the conduct of a firm’s competitors, critics and customers:

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

IP is key to understanding the rise of technofeudalism. The same malleability that allows companies to “twiddle” the knobs on their services and keep us on the hook as they reel us in would hypothetically allow us to countertwiddle, seizing the means of computation:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/12/algorithmic-wage-discrimination/#fishers-of-men

The thing that stands between you and an alternative app store, an interoperable social media network that you can escape to while continuing to message the friends you left behind, or a car that anyone can fix or unlock features for is IP, not technology. Under capitalism, that technology would already exist, because capitalists have no loyalty to one another and view each other’s margins as their own opportunities.

But under technofeudalism, control comes from rents (owning things), not profits (selling things). The capitalist who wants to participate in your iPhone’s “ecosystem” has to make apps and submit them to Apple, along with 30% of their lifetime revenues — they don’t get to sell you jailbreaking kit that lets you choose their app store.

Rent-seeking technology has a holy grail: control over “ring zero” — the ability to compel you to configure your computer to a feudalist’s specifications, and to verify that you haven’t altered your computer after it came into your possession:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/01/30/ring-minus-one/#drm-political-economy

For more than two decades, various would-be feudal lords and their court sorcerers have been pitching ways of doing this, of varying degrees of outlandishness.

At core, here’s what they envision: inside your computer, they will nest another computer, one that is designed to run a very simple set of programs, none of which can be altered once it leaves the factory. This computer — either a whole separate chip called a “Trusted Platform Module” or a region of your main processor called a secure enclave — can tally observations about your computer: which operating system, modules and programs it’s running.

Then it can cryptographically “sign” these observations, proving that they were made by a secure chip and not by something you could have modified. Then you can send this signed “attestation” to someone else, who can use it to determine how your computer is configured and thus whether to trust it. This is called “remote attestation.”

There are some cool things you can do with remote attestation: for example, two strangers playing a networked video game together can use attestations to make sure neither is running any cheat modules. Or you could require your cloud computing provider to use attestations that they aren’t stealing your data from the server you’re renting. Or if you suspect that your computer has been infected with malware, you can connect to someone else and send them an attestation that they can use to figure out whether you should trust it.

Today, there’s a cool remote attestation technology called “PrivacyPass” that replaces CAPTCHAs by having you prove to your own device that you are a human. When a server wants to make sure you’re a person, it sends a random number to your device, which signs that number along with its promise that it is acting on behalf of a human being, and sends it back. CAPTCHAs are all kinds of bad — bad for accessibility and privacy — and this is really great.

But the billions that have been thrown at remote attestation over the decades is only incidentally about solving CAPTCHAs or verifying your cloud server. The holy grail here is being able to make sure that you’re not running an ad-blocker. It’s being able to remotely verify that you haven’t disabled the bossware your employer requires. It’s the power to block someone from opening an Office365 doc with LibreOffice. It’s your boss’s ability to ensure that you haven’t modified your messaging client to disable disappearing messages before he sends you an auto-destructing memo ordering you to break the law.

And there’s a new remote attestation technology making the rounds: Google’s Web Environment Integrity, which will leverage Google’s dominance over browsers to allow websites to block users who run ad-blockers:

https://github.com/RupertBenWiser/Web-Environment-Integrity

There’s plenty else WEI can do (it would make detecting ad-fraud much easier), but for every legitimate use, there are a hundred ways this could be abused. It’s a technology purpose-built to allow rent extraction by stripping us of our right to technological self-determination.

Releasing a technology like this into a world where companies are willing to make their products less reliable, less attractive, less safe and less resilient in pursuit of rents is incredibly reckless and shortsighted. You want unauthorized bread? This is how you get Unauthorized Bread:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/amp/

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this thread to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

[Image ID: The interior of a luxury car. There is a dagger protruding from the steering wheel. The entertainment console has been replaced by the text 'You wouldn't download a car,' in MPAA scare-ad font. Outside of the windscreen looms the Matrix waterfall effect. Visible in the rear- and side-view mirror is the driver: the figure from Munch's 'Scream.' The screen behind the steering-wheel has been replaced by the menacing red eye of HAL9000 from Stanley Kubrick's '2001: A Space Odyssey.']

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

[vacayisland]

Could you do a John Dory x Retired Singer/Musician Reader? Pls and thank you

(I loved meet the wifie I fucking cackled at "imma beat his ass!")

@!; Oldies are always better. John Dory / Retired! Reader

"Tag List"! @writergal02 @chamille-trash @valvalentine69 @starzwithapen @ykvlanq @apieceofcathair3 @kitthefanfickat

ꨄ︎. You were a big alt-indie musician, making music that tended to have a little bit of everything; the funk and beat of the funk tribe and the techno tribe, the guitar riffs and drum solos from the rock tribe, some classical instruments as undertones, and pop-like lyrics and beats. All the while you also put your own spin on it. Music had always been an outlet for you, always allowed you to take what was in your head and thread it into sound for everyone to hear. Sometimes it was chaotic, sometimes it was mellow, and it always depended on your mood when writing, composing, and singing. It's usually was drew people to your music. It was down to Earth, yet also complex and simple at the same time. Those who wanted to dive into the meaning of your music and dissect it would find multiple layers, many undertones that all harmonized. Those who just wanted to vibe out to your music could do that as well.

ꨄ︎. When you had left your career behind, it wasn't because of anything bad. You left with one final song in which explained that you were stepping down to let the new generation to find their own flow, to let other people take the stage, to be able to sit back and enjoy everything that will come in the future. You were only around 24 when you put down your guitar for the final time for the public; But you never gave up music for good on your own. While you never published anything anymore, you kept writing and composing for yourself as it was truly your passion.

ꨄ︎. This is when JD found you, playing in a friend's cafe. You had caught his attention right away, so much so he didn't hear the waiter when he had asked for JD's order. He was honestly so captivated by you for a moment he wondered if you were some sort of siren. He soon realized, yeah no you weren't, you just were really, really good. And he needed your number, badly. And that sounded a little creepy, but when you see someone who's not only good looking but knows how to sing and play an instrument all in one? You don't miss that chance to talk them up, and JD was defiantly not missing his chance!

ꨄ︎. JD didn't see a ring on your finger, it was fair game for him. Luckily you hadn't been seeing anyone at the time, but you still gave him a reality check after he approached you as though he was the coolest guy on the planet; Introducing himself before using some sort of cheesy pick up line to get your number. "Hey, babe, my name is John Dory and you seem rather lonely. You know, I can fill that 'me' shaped hole in your heart if you give me your number!" And then he winked!? Your friend was flabbergasted. You thought he was really brave.

ꨄ︎. And you hate to admit that his stupid pick-up line (which didn't even seem like a pick-up line!) actually worked and he got your number. (And he would be so smug and proud about this fact for the rest of his life.)

ꨄ︎. You two talked for a few months before making anything official, and then you waited about a year or two before you two even thought about moving in together. Even so, by 6 months of dating you basically lived in Rhonda; Your stuff littered his home, you had your own set of clothes there, your own toothbrush, and even your own house slippers. Then when you moved in, it felt natural. It felt like this was where you were always meant to end up and somehow the planets aligned. And for some reason JD never noticed the fact you brought in an electric guitar, which also sat in your shared closet. Sometimes you wonder if he's just stupid or a little blind, because he's also seen your play.

ꨄ︎. Either way, one day when he was hoisting his brothers over (after the whole Floyd situation got resolved, and god you were kind of glad you were staying with friends during all of that; not because you didn't like his brothers but because you didn't think you could handle meeting his family during that whole situation.) when they heard you playing your guitar in the bedroom. You weren't doing anything fancy, mostly tuning the guitar and making sure the strings didn't need to be replaced. But, of course, that always had to include one of your most iconic guitar riffs from a song about fighting your crushing mentality during the lowest part of your career. "Holy shit dude, I didn't know your lover listened to (Y/N)!" Branch would be the first to comment, being the most diverse music listener in the family. Floyd, who had been distracted by the riff, perked up at the conversation and nodded in agreement. JD only gave them a confused look, leaning against his kitchen counter, "Dude, my lover is (Y/N)?" And JD wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't all four of his brothers stopping and staring at him completely baffled. Mostly Floyd and Branch, who soon yelled a rather loud, "WHAT?!" "What?!" Which only confused JD more.

ꨄ︎. You hadn't met JD's family before this point, but you've heard all about them; Not only from JD, when he told you about his band days, and when you heard them around the trailer when they would come over. Usually you stayed in the bedroom, not to be rude yet to just let JD have his time with his brothers. Yet, you couldn't understand what all the yelling was about, "Yo, Que te pasa? Why the hell are you guys yelling?" You would ask, poking your head out of the door to the bedroom. Your expression tired, your hair messier, yet you could care less at this moment; You were sure JD's brothers wouldn't mind, they would see you worse later on since you were planning to stay with that big doofus. "Oh my god-" You flinched when Floyd dropped the cup he was holding, his jaw dropping upon seeing you; And honestly, for a second, you forgot you used to be a big artist. "John Dory," You started, startled by the reactions his brothers were giving, "Vas a decirme lo que esta pasando ahora mismo."

ꨄ︎. JD is always a little intimidated when you speak Spanish, mostly because his Grandma used to scold him and his brothers in Spanish. So he only explained (rather quickly) how his brothers had heard you tuning your guitar in the bedroom and how they just got weird. And that's when Branch defended himself, along with Floyd, how JD never told them that you were his lover! "And what's it to you that I love your brother?" You shot back quick and snappy, crossing your arms as you shot a glare their way. You weren't above throwing hands with JD's brothers. Floyd noticed the way JD glanced away, sipping his coffee. He was quick to stand up, placing a hand on Branch's shoulder to calm him, before explaining the whole situation to you better; Saying how Branch and Floyd were just big fans of your music and they didn't realize that you were with JD, because no matter how much JD spoke about you he never told them that you were his lover.

ꨄ︎. "Oh, Mierda lo siento." God, this made things a little awkward, "I thought you were about to be one of those horrible step-siblings that didn't like his brother's lover for some dumb reason like my hair." "What? No!-" "No, yeah, I see that now. My bad, really sorry." You mumbled, rubbing the back of your neck, "JD can be really, really dense sometimes, shut it John Dory!," You pointed a finger at JD before he could make a peep in protest about your slight insult, but it was made out of full love. "Let's start over, hi I'm (Y/n) and it's really nice to meet you."

ꨄ︎. Safe to say, JD forgot to tell his brothers that he was dating an old sensational artist...and kind of forgot you were one and was very shocked to realize this! Furthermore, you were a little flabbergasted when he revealed that some of BroZone's songs were influenced by your music. You would stare at JD after he confessed such a large secret, "Wow... that's a big insult." You mumbled sarcastically under your breath. "EXCUSE ME?!" But you guessed JD missed the sarcasm. "I'm being sarcastic, love. That's kind of sweet." Playfully rolling your eyes, you pressed a kiss into JD's cheek before turning back to his brothers. You crossed your legs, rested your elbow against your knee, and held your face in your hands. "Now about you four, how about we get to actually know each other. I'm planning to remain in this family after all..."

ꨄ︎. Safe to say that JD is wifing/husbanding/etc. you up really quick.

ꨄ︎. He still brags about how he first got your number and how he managed to 'snatch you up' before anyone else could. You told him he's too old to use new lingo and to stop, lovingly of course as you didn't want your 'husband' to embarrass himself. He melted hearing you call him husband before getting a bigger ego boost; And you had fun watching him terrorize his siblings while his ego was so inflated. You even jokingly did the whole 'I'm watching you' eyes to one of his brothers (Clay) as a silent threat that this is how you were always going to hand JD off to them like. He gave you the biggest (playful) stink eye ever. Yeah, you're going to fit right into this family.

.ᐟ this work is published and owned by @vacayisland. please do not plagiarize, copy, or steal this work; like, reblogs, and saves are appreciated :D

[dontworryihaveyourblorbos]

Trolls headcanon dump!

- Bruce absolutely teaches JD and Viva how to surf, everyone else wants to just chill at the beach

- Floyd’s favorite color is actually red, not because of love, but because it’s powerful

- JD craves touch because he’s touch starved, but gets easily overwhelmed even if he initiates it, and has to take breaks. He hates it.

- Poppy heard Floyd stick up for himself once and immediately copied him and used his example to help train herself to stop people pleasing so much as a queen

- Clay went through Gristle’s tax files and found his records impeccable, Gristle stayed on top of all his finances, whether through delegation or by himself, Clay will never know

- Branch loves to fall asleep to music when he’s not having a sleepover with Poppy. Either sad songs or alternative music is his favorite for bedtime

- Bruce loves bragging about his brothers to his kids, so they all knew his brother’s names even though they’d never met their uncles yet

- JD spoils the fuck out of his niece, and Branch teaches her self defense

- Floyd and Poppy are besties, they have spa nights with Smidge and Guy Diamond and they all spill tea and drop lore until the wee hours of the morning

- JD is the type of guy to see one of his bros Just Sitting There and say 🫵 cmere and give them a full chiropractic adjustment. He learned it from some country trolls during his wandering years

- Floyd met quite a bit of people during his solo career, but didn’t have any close friends or band mates. When he sees someone he knows, they’re secretly really happy for him, because he’s back with his little brother whom he talked so much about.

- Branch learns how to braid hair so he can do it back to Viva, and surprises Poppy by braiding her hair one day. She is amazed and so proud.

- Clay likes techno music because the sounds remind him of math and numbers, with their electronic and patterned sounds

- Bruce steals JD’s recipes and adds some to his restaurant menu, and they become very popular

- Floyd mentions offhand to Poppy that he enjoys having a skincare routine but hasn’t been able to do it in awhile, so she grabs products from every tribe and makes a gift basket for him and he almost cries

[brrypiiix]

Do you have a fan kid made for Claylex?

Absolutely! Please say hello to the Claylex Triplets, abbreviated to ICK

Here’s some info on them if you’re interested!

Claylex Triplets Info

Klaxon

Gender:

Male (he/him)

Age:

12

Species:

Techno/Pop Troll

Abilities:

Fish Tail Shapshifting(only can automatically shift when in or not in water)

Water Manipulation

Can hold his breath for 20-22 minutes

Drawbacks:

Cannot float on land due to the limitation rules of their shapeshift ability

Cannot breathe under water

Moral Alignment:

Chaotic Neutral

Special Posession:

Personally made hoodie with a fish tail that Poppy helped make

Strengths:

Has the will to fight anything or anyone. His stubbornness can be both a strength or a weakness

Weaknesses:

Can barely take when he cant get something as expected and causes him to act out because of it

Personality:

This kid is a wiiild one. He is completely keen on becoming the king of techno trolls one day. He puts it all into practice by attempting to lead every game or activity he partakes in. He’s mighty stubborn, especially on this subject. It ends up getting him in trouble a lot, especially with Clay who is trying his best to prevent Klaxon from becoming JD but worse when he was little. Klaxon is constantly getting into fights and is always trying to prove himself right. He has a lot of pride, but deep down all he truly ever wants is a relationship with his father Trollex and wants to be connected to his techno culture. The distance has affected him greatly despite the great attempts for Trollex to stay connected and bond with the kids

Major mixed kid insecurities

Personal Flaws:

Has a hard time facing reality and much rather follow his own comforting views. Such as being absolutely sure he will be king one day.

Habits:

Will fight god, will fight you, will fight a bush

Likes to stand in front of a mirror and draw a crown on over his reflections head

Also likes to stand in front of a mirror and admire his teeth, considering them cool with the individual pop troll teeth but also being slightly sharp bc of the techno troll side

Fears:

Being a nobody

Not being seen as “techno troll” enough

Likes:

Anything techno culture

Causing a scene

Playing pranks on everybody

Being the center of attention

Dislikes:

Clays nagging

A bush

Trolls mispronouncing his name

Dreams/Goals/Motives:

Wants to become king of the techno trolls one day.

Wants Trollex’s undeniable approval

Enemies:

Bush - Sworn enemy

Cappella

Gender:

Female (she/they)

Age:

12

Species:

Techno/Pop Troll

Abilities:

Fish Tail Shapshifting(only can automatically shift when in or not in water)

Water Manipulation

Drawbacks:

Cannot float on land due to the limitation rules of their shapeshift ability

Moral Alignment:

Neutral Good

Special Possession:

Goggles she got from JD for her birthday

A kandi bracelet gift from Ibiza

Strengths:

Loves LOVES to tinker and mess with the way a machine functions. She likes to make her own gadgets, altho she hasn’t completely mastered the skill yet

Weaknesses:

Her personal gadgets mess up more times than not, especially the big project ones. They end up flying everywhere and causing a big mess

Personality:

Very adventurous and curious about everything, especially wanting to know how it works. A mechanic geek who loves to tinker with anything and see if she can upgrade it as a way to practice. She’s a wild child and gets hyper at times. She got her tippy tappy toes habit from Aunt Viva whenever she gets really excited. Loves a good prank and does get into some trouble every once and a while, not too often though. Especially not like Klaxon

Personal Flaws:

Has Clays stubbornness and sass to the point where it gets her into some situations. Its hard for her to let some things go and she lets her anger boil over easily which causes her to let and impuslively run at a person to get something back if taken. She’s also an overachiever and will choose to stay up all night in order to get something right

Habits:

Huge habit of climbing into JD’s or Clay’s hair since she was born. She still tries to do it. Clay urges for them not to do it anymore since theyre getting a little heavy but JD happily allows it and proceeds to his own business like she isnt there. She also tends to use her hair a lot more than her siblings, using it like extra limbs like reaching for anything too far to reach

Fears:

Being incapable of a skill she’s aiming for

Leaving home

Becoming queen

Likes:

Doing mechanics

Collecting scraps

Raving/partying

Rhonda

Dislikes:

Klaxon’s antics

Branch rambling about his bunker

Waking up early(**not** a morning person**)

Dreams/Goals/Motives:

Wants to work on major projects for inventions for personal reasons and for others

Wants to live her whole life in Trollstopia

Ibiza

Gender:

Non-binary (he/they)

Age:

12

Species:

Techno/Pop Troll

Abilities:

Fish Tail Shapshifting(only can automatically shift when in or not in water)

Water Manipulation

Drawbacks:

Cannot float on land due to the limitation rules of their shapeshift ability

Moral Alignment:

Neutral Good

Inventory/Possessions:

Their unfinished Kandi Bracelets that are in the making

LED Rave Heart Sunglasses

Strengths:

A crazy raver. Goes hard during any rave and party and has a magic touch for DJing

Weaknesses:

Timid and a people pleaser, which plays against him. Especially when dealing with other kids and Klaxon’s antics

Personality:

Raves and parties are where he gets loud and crazy. Outside of raves he’s relatively quiet. They try their best to be a good kid. Especially for Clay’s sake. Ibiza doesnt want to be a bother to him seeing how stressed he is with Ibiza’s brother Klaxon.

Personal Flaws:

Major Lost Child Syndrome. Struggles with speaking up and being confrontational. Due to this he ends up feeling invisible to the family. He also ironically struggles with what Clay used to when he was little which was with trying to be taken seriously by other trolls

Habits:

Bites at his fingertips when anxious, chews on whatever object is in his hand for too long, had an oral fixation from when he was little. Since birth his huge safe place was and still is Clays hair desbite him urging him not to anymore due to how big he’s gotten. He still runs to it though, especially during times where he needs to hide away from the world

Fears:

Adding to Clay’s stress

Disappointing Clay

Being invisible forever

Likes:

Raving

Kandi Bracelets

Hanging out with Bruce’s side of the family

Hanging at Bruce’s restaurant

Dislikes:

Klaxon’s antics

Other trolls assuming he’s always just fine

Dreams/Goals/Motives:

He’s left wondering who he truly is and is constantly questioning his future

Extra Info

Spoiler Alert:

The heir to the throne is not Klaxon

Family:

Clay - Father

Trollex - Father

JD - Uncle

Bruce - Uncle

Floyd - Uncle

Branch - Uncle

Poppy - Aunt

Viva - Aunt

Brandy - Aunt

Synth - Godfather

Friends:

They have a friend group of OCs that I have yet to show, so those may be coming soon. Their dynamics are pretty fun too and each have their own built backgrounds ready

Special OC linked to ICK coming soon

[a-lump-of-clay]

have a wip of a stupid John Droy au because i have seen 3 pop up and i love the idea- anyways did you know there's a type of fish called the John Dory fish yet it has other names- anyways have techno troll JD

[draco-after-dark]

he has now experienced horrors beyond his own comprehension cough cough trolls world tour cough cough

he will never financially recover

[rocksibblingsau]

omg me just realizing that with a different branch there would be someone new in rhonda and someone new during the fight scene to watch branch's brothers admit they plan on abandoning branch (again) i don't imagine that it would go well in any au but if there was barb, delta, or even prince D omg i really wanna get your take one how they would react to the jd with jd being like "you didn't thing we would stick together roasting mashmellows did you?" or something like that. i understand you probably can't do barb's reaction but could you still do the rest?

I cannot share Barb or [Redacted] or [Redacted]'s reactions but allow me to share some others.

Country AU: Delta Dawn - They should be very afraid in this moment. The only reason they were not obliterated on sight is because Branch was upset and that is more important than making a set of BroZone shaped rugs for the homestead.

Techno AU: Trollex - He was similarly shocked like Branch. His face falls and he and Branch both say 'What?' He cannot comprehend the fact they have 0 interest in reconnecting with Branch. Family is one of the cornerstones of Techno culture. Peace Love Unity Respect were NOT found in that bus.

Classical AU: Dante - He's not surprised, but he is disappointed. Dante has a brother, one he would cross blazing infernos and frigid tundras for. So to not even want to spend five minutes together past the threat of death is... baffling.

Funk AU: Prince D - He's so disappointed and angry on Branch's behalf. His parents did everything they could to find his brother, and did what they could in his best interest. But to just leave Branch again for no reason other than they didn't care? And to mock him for hoping otherwise? Cold blooded.

[vanillablankcanvas]

Part 7 Trolls Headcanons/ Theories/ Thoughts/ Ideas

Part1 Part2 Part3 Part4 Part5 Part6 Part8 Part9 Part10

Trolls - varies amongst the tribes but hair length and thickness is a good indication of their physical strength and health. So long, thick hair means they're healthy and can lift heavy weights. E.g. Smidge, Bruce, Boom. Whereas short, wild or thin hair means they could be older, unhealthy or just not physically strong. E.g. Peppy and Thrash.

Trolls - eventually a hybrid Troll (e.g. Techno/Funk) is born in Trollstopia and the parents name the baby after Poppy.

Trolls - JD and King Peppy do the same pose in some stock images. I like to think it's like a Pop Village salute. (It probably has an actual meaning)

Putt Putt Trolls - all of them are wearing the same outfits because they used Bergen sized socks from the golf courses souvenir stand.

Poppy - When something is wrong and the brothers don't want her to know, she can immediately tell because they call her 'Queen Poppy'.

Poppy - besides giving Clay and Viva their titles, she considers the other brothers unofficially part of her 'court' as well. (She might knight them later on, who knows?)

Bruce - mortifies his kids by trying to use slang. "That was so very lit!" "Daaaaaaaaaadddddd"

Clay - bruises like a damn peach.

Clay - Viva made him co-leader after she gave up on the notion of being immediately rescued and realized Clay was already constructing and implementing long term settlement plans.

Clay - like the other Putt-Putt Trolls, he has basically become Nocturnal. Even with this, he pulls 'allnighters' to finish any work he has, so his sleep pattern is very inconsistent.

John Dory - always has some kind of weapon on him at all times.

John Dory - tends to manspread when sitting.

John Dory - has been targeted by Bounty Hunters before, resulting in a gnarly injury on his hand he now covers with his glove.

John Dory - for a time he was convinced that he was the last Pop Troll

Floyd - went through the seven stages of grief over his own death.

Floyd - can mix drinks. Messily. Was dating a bartender once and picked up some things from him.

Branch - will hold onto Poppy in his sleep like she'll disappear if he lets go.

Cloud Guy - gave Branch 101 reasons why he should officiate his and Poppy's wedding.

@misscinnamonroll16 😉 💕

[tantei-chan01]

Yeah, one thing I always wondered in actual Canon shorts and animated series is why there was never an episode where Branch had to deal with the drawbacks of his silence for 20 years. True, it's a cartoon, and cartoon logic exists, and it'd probably be a bad idea for the main lead to be portrayed with a scratchy, rusty voice (especially since his VA is Justin Timberlake) or dealing with being unable to sing for long periods of time or losing his voice... but it'd be a cool idea to explore worldbuilding purposes and stuff. Like, how do the different tribes deal with that sort of burnout? Trolls seem to have evolved in a way that music is such a huge part of their lives and cultures, loaing yiur voice or burnout like that is probably more common amongst younger trolls who aren't used to singing as much and seeing it into adulthood is probably rare if not unheard of.

There have been days where Branch's throat gets very irritated as his vocal cords aren't used to being used. He usually uses the honey cough drops or chews on mint leaves to soothe it. But when it gets pretty bad, Poppy forces him to relax at her pod and uses an old routine designed for trollings.

She uses a humidifier and puts in a few drops of eucalyptus, peppermint, rosemary, and a bit of cinnamon. Then, she prepares lemon tea with honey to soothe the throat. There is no singing or talking for the rest of the day, and it works like a charm.

It isn't until after Band Together that it really got bad. When the pop troll trick didn't work, she asked the other tribes for advice.

Techno trolls gargle warmed salt water and swallow a syrup made from agar.

Classical trolls have a special rub made from a minty herb that grows in the mountains. It was originally invented by their cousins, the opera trolls.

Country also uses a syrup made from a special cactus that's also used in making liquor, but it's also mixed with desert flowers that have healing properties and a special cactus fruit that is quite similar to lemon.

Funk trolls also use cough drops, but these have a medicated liquid center that brings instant relief to the throat, and a little hot water with mint goes a long way.

Rock trolls have special hot springs that not only relax their muscles, but by breathing in the steam, it can help heal any sort of throat ailment.

JD also has a trick he learned in the wild. There's a special root that if you break it apart, the smell can instantly clear the nose, and by diluting it into a tea, it warms not only the throat, it also warms the body.